#this is not my usual kind of content but for obvious reasons i had to share
Text
𝐢 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐛𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 | 𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐲𝐚𝐦
(gif credits to @peace--n--love)
— summary: ao'nung calls you the way neteyam usually calls you, which makes him feel jealous and insecure, but that finally pushes him to confess something he has been feeling for too long.
— pairing: neteyam x female!na'vi!reader
— word count: 2k
—warnings: pure and comforting fluff, ao'nung being ao'nung (an idiot), love confessions, jealous!neteyam, neteyam being the purest and most beautiful angel.
* Neteyam is aged up, for obvious reasons, of course; he is 19 years old.
* Sluyang means flower.
neteyam's playlist i made for inspo
writer's note: english is not my mother tongue, so please forgive me if there is a grammatical error. hope you like it!
You liked to observe the beauty that Eywa gave to Pandora, you were still surprised by how beautiful the forest and the places it could hide, even after having grown up there and having been all those years among its leafy trees, even so, the forest hid secret and beautiful places, worthy of being seen and found by only those chosen ones.
Your mother was sure that you had a special connection with Eywa, practically since the day you were born and opened your eyes for the first time, green as a pair of emeralds. She told you that you had come into the world for a purpose, that you were Eywa's chosen one, in fact, those were her last words to you before she passed away in your arms, haunted all her life by an illness from which she never got better. And since then, Jake and Neytiri had taken care of you, accepting you into their family as if you had always been one of them. You soon became close to their children, especially with Neteyam, as you were close in age.
And because of that special fascination you had for the forest and nature in general, Neteyam made a habit of always bringing you things from his many explorations and hunts, things that reminded him of you; flowers, leaves and even rocks, bright and beautiful, out of the ordinary, that stood out among everything else, just like you.
“You don't have to, 'Teyam.” You always said every time he came to you once again with a new gift. But he would simply shake his head, offering you a charming and gentle little smile, ever so kind, ears slightly bent and gaze so bright every time he met yours that it seemed to dazzle you, leaving you completely mesmerized.
With a coy smile you tried to avert your gaze from his, analyzing the object now in your hands. “Really, it's not necessary.”
“I like to do it.” He would simply reply, seeking your gaze with his big, captivating, coaxing eyes, as if it were something insignificant, something that didn't matter, something that wasn't like the nicest thing anyone had ever done for you. And you would do nothing but grin at him. You couldn't stop smiling, your cheeks felt almost numb, but you were happy, content, he made you happy. And you knew that this, in the long run, would bring serious consequences, not so good, you supposed.
And now, in the huge ocean, when you thought nothing would surprise you anymore, Eywa seemed to turn every assumption you had upside down. Jake had taken you with him and his family to the place where the Metkayina Clan lived, leaving the Omaticaya behind, leaving the shelter that the forest offered you, to now be surrounded by the ocean; salt water and sandy land.
They had been kind enough to accept you into their home and to show you their ways, noting the great difference from your own, but, apparently the younger members of the clan were not as friendly to strangers as the older ones.
Ao'nung had been rather harsh with you, especially Kiri, whom they had addressed as a freak, as they had nicknamed her, and from there, the problem grew larger, for you and Lo'ak had taken up against them in her defense.
“Look at her.” Ao'nung called out, following Kiri like prey, looking at her with big, disgusted eyes. “Is she a freak or something?”
“Don't call her that.” You stated in a not at all friendly tone, scowl and defiant eyes looking up at the chief's son, pointing at him with your index finger and thus causing him to move backwards. “You have no right to call her that, did you hear me? The Chief's son or not, I'll kick your ass.”
With a tilt of your head, you stated the threat, making him snort ungraciously, looking at you with a raised eyebrow.
“For such a pretty little girl, you sure have a big mouth.” His big eyes narrowed as he spoke, demonstrating a smug attitude as he heard a couple of snickers from his little friends at his words. “You are one of us, little flower. Why you waste your time hanging out with these aliens?”
“Hey!” Lo'ak exclaimed, appearing at your side, fists clenched and face angry. “Don't call her that, get away from her!”
“Please, leave us alone.” Kiri grumbled behind your back, hearing how now, you were the target of annoyance from the little group.
Your mouth hung open wide, totally offended now, feeling the fury shake your body from head to toe, your tail wagging angrily as you lunged at him at the same time you heard an 'oh uh' from Lo'ak.
But your movement was halted as you watched as a body larger than yours stepped between you and the bully, leaving you in view of nothing but a broad back you knew all too well and blocking Ao'nung's smug, sneering face from your view.
“That's enough.” Neteyam said in a stern tone, deep voice and tense body, always as diplomatic and calm as ever, braids moving under the command of the wind and his head, which rose slightly, giving him a more stern and much more menacing stance. “As long as we are here you will treat my family with respect and call no one by other than their names.”
His head moved so that he could look at the faces of the little group that had formed, friends of Ao'nung, as silly as he was, apparently, but who, in Neteyam's presence, seemed to have been brought back to reality and put back in their places. They were not so foolish after all, they knew that against him they would have no choice but to flee. Cowards.
“(Y/N) is just fine for you, got it?”
“Whatever.” Ao'nung replied, rolling his eyes and starting to walk, bumping his shoulder against Neteyam's as he walked past him, his eyes met yours for a couple of seconds and he offered you a smirk, making you grunt and by the time you could take a step towards him, a hand found itself on your forearm, stopping any act of violence you had planned to do.
“Cowards.” Kiri spat, rolling her eyes.
When you looked back, Neteyam was looking at you with eyes, dark, but now filled with concern, his fingers barely caressing your skin before he pulled away from your arm.
“Are you okay, syulang?”
You rolled your eyes, sighing heavily. “I'd be better if I'd beaten that skxawng—”
“Hey.” He interrupted you, noticing how your ears were still bent and your tail twitching behind your back and he laid both of his hands on your shoulders now, in an attempt to reassure you, giving you delicate petting strokes. “It's okay, it's all over now.” His gaze traveled to his siblings behind you, moving his head and face transforming to one of authority, chin up. His voice came through loud and clear, almost scolding. “Home, now. You've had a lot for today.”
Lo'ak lifted his hands, looking incredulous. “But they were bugging-”
Neteyam was quick to interrupt him. “Home. We will talk to father later.”
The younger boy let out a snarl and without further ado, began walking back to where his family was staying, followed closely by Kiri, who kept a glum face, arms crossed over her chest.
And now, all of Neteyam's attention landed on you, as it naturally did, as his body always seemed to do instinctively, even though he didn't even intend to, he always focused on you, as if you were the center of the universe, the sun of his world, the core of his heart, the magnet of his mind and the horizon of his eyes. He saw you. He had always seen you. And practically everyone in his family knew, perhaps everyone on the whole planet, except for you, of course.
Neteyam had expressly refused any offer or even, even idea from his parents to find him a Tsahik as his position as the future leader of the clan, it was his duty and it behoved him to follow to the letter the duty that rested on his shoulders as the future chief, but now, all that had been left behind with his leaving. Now all he cared about having was you. All that mattered was you.
With a beautiful sunset behind him, he began to speak to you once again, hands gently running over your shoulders and arms, becoming more attentive, affectionate, but still concerned. His brow furrowed slightly and you knew immediately that a scolding was coming now. “What were you thinking, hm? Fighting them all?”
He was always like that with you, especially when you were alone together. Neteyam never felt he was enough for his father, and he too never seemed to be satisfied of him, let alone see all that his son did for his family, for his siblings and for him, but with you, with you everything was different, he could be different, he could be himself and he knew that was enough for you, you made him feel enough, you made him feel special.
“If that's what I had to do for protecting Kiri, Lo'ak and their family's honor, of course.” You answered immediately and with your words, sounding so sure and affirmative, Neteyam felt his heart be flooded with a most familiar warmth, an emotion quite well-known to him whenever you were near him and said things such as those, always putting others before yourself, putting the welfare of his family before yourself.
A smile tugged at Neteyam's lips, admiring you with bright, big eyes, his hands trailing down your shoulders, sliding down your arms to your hands, taking them between his own tenderly, fingers toying with yours absentmindedly as he watched the clear size difference.
“He called you little flower.” Neteyam stated after a silence of a couple of seconds, twisting his head. His jaw was clenched and ears barely tilted back. “I call you that.”
You bit your lower lip, holding back the smile that threatened to curve your lips at his clear display of jealousy. He was upset about it and you had to reassure him. Your fingers caressed his wrist, tracing imaginary lines down his forearm. “I like it better when you do it.”
“I sure hope so.” He smiled again and tugged on your hand, inviting you to walk with him, both of your hands tangled between his arm, and he didn't waste a second in drawing you to him. “I want to show you something.”
. . .
Neteyam had found the spot walking along the local beach, it was a bit far from the place where his family was staying and it was far from the town in general, but that made it a perfect location. It was a small bay, surrounded by coastal vegetation, a couple of palm trees and soft silky sand, but what was really amazing, was the glows of bioluminescence under the clear ocean water, algae of all colors, small animals swimming, with the sunset light bathing exquisitely over the turquoise sea.
It was beautiful, of course. But your reaction at the sight of it was even better; mouth half-open, eyes huge and amazed, face in wonder.
“'Yam… it's beautiful.” You murmured in a soft, barely audible tone of voice, but he was right next to you, as close to you as possible, so he could hear you perfectly. His fingers were intertwined with yours and he pulled you with him across the sand to the perfect place to sit.
“Yes it is. I found it as I was passing by... I immediately thought of you.” His gaze lowered with a hint of embarrassment flashing across his pretty face. “I know how much you love nature, all the things our great mother has given us, so, I thought, you would like it.” He stated and then shrugged, attitude becoming quite braggy now. “I've seen more beautiful things, though.”
You rolled your eyes, pushing your shoulder against his in amusement as you wrapped your arms around your knees, admiring the scenery in front of you. “Don't lie now.”
“I'm serious.” He laughed, looking up at you, analyzing every expression on your pretty face. “I'm no liar, you know that.”
You raised an eyebrow, turning your head so you could look at him now. “Really, huh? So what have you seen? What possibly have you seen prettier than this?”
Neteyam smiled thinly, stirring his arm lightly, his hand passed down your back, resting on the sand, fingers fiddling with it. “Something prettier than this?”
“Hm.” You hummed, looking at him curiously.
His ears perked up, gaze dropping to his lap, steeling himself inside, trying his hardest to calm the nerves that were practically eating him alive. And then, he moved his eyes up your body, until he met yours. “I'm looking at it right now.”
Your breath hitched and your mouth parted, feeling your body freeze. Your arms fell to either side of your body, adjusting your position.
“Nete…” You whispered in a shaky voice.
“Yes, sluyang?” He tilted his head softly. “I'm being honest.” He swallowed saliva, his hand trailing up your arm, caressing your shoulder and tracing your jaw, down to rest on your cheek, fingers tracing every inch of skin he could, arranging your hair and tucking it behind your ear. “I've always seen you as the most beautiful thing…” His lips trembled, faltering for a few moments. “I see you, (Y/N).”
You closed your eyes and rested your forehead against his, nuzzling his nose against yours. “I see you too, Neteyam.”
He closed his eyes too, caressing your face with his. “When that idiot called you flower and treated you that way… like you were nothing.” His hands cradled your face now, and you rose up to face him, completely silent, breathing agitatedly. He was breathing in an agitated way too, looking frustrated, disturbed. “I was furious. They should respect you. Every one of them should know that you are mine and they should treat you as such, as my equal, as my mate.”
You opened your eyes to find his eyes already on you, your fingers stroking his arms subconsciously. Your lips brushed his as you opened your mouth to speak in an agitated voice. “I want to be yours, Neteyam.”
“I can't pretend anymore.” He declared between shaky breaths, gaze traveling between your eyes and mouth as he shook his head. “I don't care what anyone else says, I don't want anyone else. I have already chosen. I just want you, (Y/N)... I was made for you.”
“Then just take me.” You murmured against his lips before joining them with yours in a needy, agitated kiss that felt as if everything at last, made sense, as if life had been created just for this moment, as if you had been brought to life just this moment, for each other.
It felt as if all the constellations had aligned for you, as if you had all the stars just for you, and that was given just once, you knew. Everything made you feel as if Ewya had created you for each other. You were made for each other and perhaps the Great Mother had aligned the whole universe for it, for you.
“I am yours.” He promised. “I always have been.”
Your legs tangled between his as you landed on his lap, being drawn in by his arms chaining themselves around your body, massaging your waist, tattooing his touch on your skin.
“Forever.”
#avatar x reader#neteyam x reader#neteyam x y/n#neteyam x you#neteyam imagine#neteyam one shot#neteyam sully#sully family#neteyam x female!reader#neteyam x f reader#avatar: the way of water#avatar#avatar: twow#neteyam sully x reader#neteyam x female reader#neteyam#na'vi reader#lo'ak sully#cosmictheo
13K notes
·
View notes
Text
RECKLESS.
ft. rookie!leon x lieutenant!reader
synopsis. after leon was careless on a mission, you ask him to pay you a visit to your office.
content. 3.0k words. smut. age gap, power imbalance, delulu leon, subby leon, masturbation, praise kink, office sex, handjob, blowjob, edging, dacryphilia.
note. mb guys, i'll post dilf leon a little later. sub leon is my favourite leon.
masterlist. i love feedback! :3
Tough love. That’s what Leon liked to call it when you’re scolding him. He’s got sympathetic looks from his coworkers each time you drag him away to chastise him, but he doesn’t take it to heart — you want the best for him.
They always say how he ‘gets it worse,’ and they don’t understand how he takes it. But it’s different when you reprimand him in comparison to his colleagues. You pull him aside to lecture him, never in the presence of others. It’s so much more intimate. Unlike his fellow officers, where you nearly publicly humiliate them, he gets special treatment.
Leon likes to think he’s your favourite. He knows he’s your favourite.
When he was the newest recruit, he thought nothing of your ways. You probably did it to all the rookies, but after a few weeks in, he realised you only ever did it to him.
At first, you thought Leon was just like the others. He was inexperienced and expected much more than this field could accomplish.
You were strict, that was much. The older officers knew of your demeanour when they had first been there. You weren’t cruel to rookies. They’re new officers. It’s their first time at the department, and you’ve been here longer than you’d like to admit. You couldn’t be too harsh on them, but you weren’t the gentle parenting kind either.
Something about Leon ticked you off, though. You didn’t know what exactly did. When he messed up, you had to tell him off, and, at first, it was worse than what you’d usually say to the other recruits. You felt that he should’ve known better. You weren’t ever this particular with rookies, and you’re shocked that Leon hasn’t even transferred yet. You felt guilty to the point you apologised to him.
So when you pull him aside from the others, they expect you to be worse than you usually are, sparing Leon from the embarrassment, and to an extent, you are. In reality, you’re softer to him. Even if it’s not noticeable — you can tell. You do it so your reputation stays intact. You’re mortified by how gentle you are to him, contradicting your usual attitude towards the other older officers. It’s obvious enough that Chris notices.
Even though you are rough to Leon, sometimes you’re not as intimidating. Other times when he’s been playing the ass, you’re worse than usual.
When he forgets his papers, you’re easy on him. He’s hard-working, people forget. A slap on the wrist. If anyone else forgets them? You’re on their ass immediately. It’s part of the job. How can one be so forgetful?
You try to reason with yourself that Leon’s more responsible than the others. And you’re not wrong. But you feel uneasy knowing there is an underlying reason why you treat him differently.
He acts thoughtless during patrols? You’re oddly silent, more silent than usual, and it scares the entire department. They usually chalk it up to a patrol gone seriously awry, and it’s not entirely wrong to assume that. But you’re less of a threat when shit blows up in your face to uncontrollable forces rather than when things do not go as smoothly because of an avoidable mishap.
You’re residing in your office right now. If you were to face Kennedy right now, you’d do something you’d regret. He almost botched the arrest. You and a few officers patrolled an area known for its high crime rate where a recent robbery occurred at a nearby convenience store, and you and your team were investigating the area.
During a conversation with the store’s owners, your squad found the suspect armed with a handgun. As you’re about to take action, just your luck, when Leon S. Kennedy handled the situation. He disobeyed your orders, whether verbally or not, when he dealt with the thief. You were appalled because he knew better than that. Maybe it was adrenaline or stupidity, but the situation could’ve gone south.
Back at the department, you ventured to your office, ignoring Kennedy in the guise of paperwork. You tried to do paperwork, but the image of Leon with a bullet wound, unable to be the officer he used to be or even dead, continues to flash in your mind.
Was it normal to have such a sense of despair at the thought of losing a coworker? Not to this extent. For Christ's sake, he had a bulletproof vest on. Why were you even thinking about that? You never thought about your other colleagues in such a manner.
Did you find him attractive? Of course, you had eyes — he was as cute as a button. Not that you’d admit that. Did you like Kennedy more than you lead on? Well, shit. You’re starting to overthink everything. You knew how fond he was of you, like a puppy, following you and obeying your every command. You probably liked that too much.
Sighing, you lean back on the soft cushioning of your office chair, the leather squeaking under your weight. You had to do something about this revelation, don’t you?
–-
Leon has been anticipating visiting your office once again. He’s disappointed with the silent treatment he’s been receiving from you lately. You had brushed him off initially, giving him a stern, “Don’t pull that shit again, Kennedy,” before dismissing him entirely.
He wasn’t reckless on purpose to hear you reprimanding him. Not that he likes it or anything, but he prefers you being angry to blatantly disregarding him. He wished you’d do something. Punish him for all he cares.
Leon furiously clicks his pen, unable to focus on his papers. He wishes you’d pay attention to him. He reminisces on the time you shared at the bar. It seems to be on his mind more often lately.
After a tough case, some officers decided to head to a bar and invited him to tag along. He was relatively new, so he took the opportunity while he could. The others relentlessly begged for you to join them — to loosen up. You weren’t keen on the idea at first but you eventually gave in. You clearly adored your squad, and it wasn’t as subtle as you thought.
Leon tried not to get too drunk. He did not want to embarrass himself in front of others, limiting his alcohol intake. You seem not too fond of getting drunk, bourbon in your hand, watered down by the ice.
You were sat next to him, making quips and chuckling at inside jokes that the older cops say. He felt excluded, quietly sipping on his drink as he listened quietly. After another round, they started to filter out, leaving essentially you and him alone. There were others, but they were too intoxicated, waiting for their spouse to pick them up.
The buzz picks up its pace the longer he’s in the bar. He’s minding his business, and you’re with him. He takes a peek at you. You’re sat there with a look of contemplation. After a few moments, your voice slices through the noise that fills the packed room.
“Hey, Leon,” you said, turning to him and resting a hand on his shoulder. It was the only time he heard you call him by his first name, granted he only saw you at the department. He had looked at you, brows furrowed in confusion. “I’m sorry for being too hard on you. I know it’s probably a lot, but I do it ‘cause I care, ya know? I’ll ease up on ya.”
His cold lieutenant, who he hadn’t heard speak an entire sentence since you joined them for drinks, was talking to him, not just that, apologising to him. Your palm on his shoulder feels warm, giving him a reassuring squeeze before you drop your hand.
“It’s fine. You’re just doin’ your job, Lt.” His face gets redder at the prospect of you caring about him. God, you were so close, a rare smile blooming on your pretty lips. He’s quivering like a leaf and hopes you think it’s the alcohol.
“I’m gonna head home. Need a drive?” You had finished your drink, standing up and putting on your jacket.
He shook his head, “No, I’ll be okay.”
He regrets not accepting the offer. He ended up taking a cab home, wondering how it’d play out if he had agreed to let you carry him home instead.
The same night, at home, he remembers your hand on his shoulder and the words you had said to him. He felt fuzzy, and he was sure he was mostly sober. He needed a cold shower, leading him to think not-so-professional thoughts about you, arousal blocking his senses.
Up against the cool bathroom wall, he tugs on his aching dick, wishing it was your hand instead, teasing him. He thought about what you’d do to him, making him cry as you whispered how much of a good boy he was, just like you’d tell him he did a good job after a tough assignment.
He came, his fingers coated in his sticky seeds, grimacing at the sight. He had taken an extra cold shower, pondering if he regretted climaxing to the thought of his boss.
He didn’t.
–-
Leon groans in annoyance, scratching off another word he spelt wrong. He wonders if you still remember the night at the bar. It wasn’t anything remarkable, but it solidified the burning fact that you actively care for him.
Leaning back on his chair, he decides to take a quick break. However, it was cut short as you entered the room. Your eyes are on him, and he immediately begins to work on his papers. He didn’t need another reason for you to disregard him.
“Kennedy, meet me in my office. Now,” you say. Your voice is cold, and you’re glaring at him. The officers in the room are giving him a look filled with pity. He doesn’t care, preferring your attention over their sympathy. It’s the longest sentence you’ve said to him since you reached the department.
As you walk to your office, Leon follows like an obedient puppy. He hears the gossip of his coworkers behind him once they think he’s out of shot. He ignores their words and trails behind you, anticipation filling his system as well as another emotion that only you can make him feel.
Once in your office, Leon closes the door behind him with shaky hands. He’s trying his best not to smile, biting his lip. You didn’t forget about him.
“Lock the door,” you sighed. Your command confuses Leon, but he obliges, twisting the lock on the door. You’re leaning up against your wooden desk, arms crossed. You refused to look at him, but your acknowledgement of him was enough. He’ll take what he can get.
“Come closer,” you beckon, your voice low as you look at him. He nervously walks closer to you, almost tripping over his own feet. He prays you didn’t see that. Leon coughs awkwardly, a few inches away from you, leaving enough room for Jesus.
“You know why I brought you in here, officer?” You questioned, voice laced with authority. Leon is stunned at your response. Usually, you get it over within a few minutes, leaving him to finish his papers with a dazed smile, not entertaining pointless questions.
“U– uh, because I disobeyed your orders?” Staring at the floor, he doesn’t want to see your reaction. He really fucked up this time if you’re dragging it out like this.
A smirk tugs at the corner of your lips. Humming softly, you reply, “Yes. You’re a smart boy, Leon. Shouldn’t you know better?”
“Yes. I’m sorry, lieutenant,” he answers quickly, straightening his posture. Fuck, you’re calling him by his first name all of a sudden.
“I should punish you,” You mention, catching him off guard. He stares at you with doe eyes, pink lips parted as if he didn’t hear you correctly. The sentence wasn’t inherently wrong, but the tone you said made his body heat up.
You grab his belt, softly tugging him closer to you. He stumbles, pressing himself against your warm body, lips brushing against yours. He’s stunned, unable to form a coherent thought, watching you grin at the sight of him.
“I think you’d like that too much,” you chuckle, admiring how wrecked Leon was. You didn’t even get to the fun part yet. You bump noses together as you get nearer to his face.
“Is this okay, darlin’?”
“God, yes, please.”
You capture his lips softly with your own, and he whimpers quietly. Your lips move in sync with his. It’s slow and soft, and you’re testing the waters with him. If he knew he’d be making out with you in your office, he’d buy some mints. His hands move to grip your waist, squeezing eagerly to get more of you.
You break away, heavily breathing as you try to catch your breath. Leon’s chest flushed to yours, and his lips slick with your combined spit. He subtly grinds his bulge against your thigh, eyes snapped shut. The kiss was so much better than he imagined. He still can’t fathom that this is real, that you’re real.
“Can I touch you, pretty boy?” you ask, fidgeting with his belt buckle. His head reels. You think he’s pretty? He’s heard others say it but thought nothing of it. It’s different when it comes to you.
He nods mindlessly, “Yeah, t– touch me.”
Slowly, you unbuckle his pants, watching it fall to the ground. He’s in his boxers, precum darkening the light-coloured fabric. You run your fingers along his prominent erection through the cloth. A soft moan escapes Leon as you tease the tip.
He watches with hooded eyes as you trail your hand from his tummy to the waistline of his boxers, tugging them down. His cock is fully erect, flushed pink to the head and dribbling precum down his shaft. Wrapping your digits around his throbbing dick, you slowly stroke him, kissing his neck and nipping the sensitive flesh.
You use the excess precum dribbling down his cock as a lubricant, picking up your pace. Leon’s desperate moans fill the room, as well as the lewd noise of you jerking his aching cock. Your other hand wraps around his taut waist, bringing him closer to you. You whisper filthy words and praises into his ear, your pace on his member insistent.
When he’s about to climax, you stop your movement, cruelly laughing as Leon whines at the loss of your touch. He desperately bucks his hips into your enclosed hands, but it’s not enough. He looks at you with glossy eyes and fluttering lashes.
“This a punishment, darling. You’re not going t’cum that easily,” you tease, slowly stroking his shaft once more, thumbing the sensitive head of his cock. Leon furrows his brows, frustrated. Leon knew he could’ve avoided this if he was good for you, but then again, would have you been giving him a handjob if he wasn’t so bad.
You continue to bring him close to completion, only to take it away at the last second. He doesn’t know how many times you’ve ruined his chances of coming undone, but he knows you’re cruel. Tears streamed down his face, leaving a red, irritated trail behind on his skin.
“Oh, you look so pretty when you cry, darlin’.” you coo, his cock still in your fist as you continue to stroke him after ruining another orgasm. He throws his head back, and you’re nuzzling into the junction of his neck, leaving bite marks on the flushed skin.
“Please, please, let me cum. I– I'll be your good boy,” he hiccups, rutting his hips into your palm.
“Mhm, okay, baby. I think you deserve it.”
You take your hand off his needy dick and give him a sloppy kiss on his lips. He observes you through watery eyes as you get on your knees in front of him, your hands gripping the back of his thighs. Fuck, he couldn’t believe it. His lieutenant was on their knees for him, about to make him cum with their mouth.
He whimpers when you drag your tongue along the shaft, tracing the veins that lead to the base. You moan softly at the taste, kissing the tip before taking him entirely into your mouth. He couldn't help but buck into your warm mouth.
He wasn’t going to last long, he was already so sensitive from you jerking him off. His ruined orgasms only add to it. He props himself on your mahogany desk, the wood digging into his back. Eyes rolling to the back of his head when you hallow your cheeks and take more of him down your throat.
“Ugh, Fuck,” he cries when you moan around his dick, his eyes squeeze shut. A wet gag leaves you as the spongy tip of his cock hits the back of your throat, and your grip on the back of his thighs tightens, leaving indents in the soft flesh.
“‘M so close,” he whines, thrusting feverishly into your mouth, the desk shaking with each move. Drool slips past your lips as you stare up at him through your lashes clumped together by tears, silently permitting him to climax, his tummy clenching at the sight. To see you in such a manner, you, who’s always professional, on your knees in front of him, choking on this swollen cock. It’s something that’s only ever occurred in his wildest dreams.
He whimpers loudly, hand clasping over his mouth to hide his embarrassing moans as he finishes down your throat. You pull away from his softening cock, coughing, wiping the spit and cum accumulated on your face. You stand up on wobbly knees, gripping Leon’s bicep to balance yourself.
Once Leon gathers himself, he kisses you, filled with passion, his arms encircling your waist, moaning into your mouth. He’s giddy, peppering kisses all over your cheeks and puffy lips. You really do like him, don’t you? You just gave him the orgasm of his lifetime in your office. It’d only be fair to help you out, too.
“Can I return the favour, Lt.?”
#idk anything about policing#leon kennedy x reader#leon kennedy#leon kennedy smut#leon smut#leon kennedy x you#leon x reader#resident evil#re2#leon x you#re2 x reader#re2 x you#smut#re4 x reader#re4#re4 smut#resident evil smut#resident evil x reader#✩‧₊˚ fics
2K notes
·
View notes
Note
hi rylie!! thank you sm for the recs! and since you said your inbox is open …
could i maybe request a fic where nanami proposes to you? like a spur of the moment thing where it’s not really the “right time” but he just springs out the question bc he wants you forever 🥹😮💨
thank you a bajillion! <3
my everything
FEATURING: nanami kento x f!reader
— wc: 3.1k
SUMMARY: after nanami remembers how short life can be, he realizes he wants to spend the rest of his with you.
CONTENTS: takes place during jjk 0, slight angst per usual, marriage proposals, sorcerer!reader, nanami's pov, happy ending
note: thank you for this sweet request!! i kind of took it and ran w it, but this was so much fun to write :) i hope you enjoy lovely!! <;33
Kento couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so afraid.
The gnawing feeling of dread was as heavy as the ring in his pocket, the one that he now regretted hanging onto for so long. Shinjuku streets were drenched in the blood of so many curses, humans, and sorcerers and it sickened him, reminded him that life could be cut short at any moment. There was a reason that he’d quit Jujutsu so many years ago, and he started to wonder if he’d made the right decision in coming back.
Kento sorted through the bodies, scanned the mangled corpses for any sign of your familiar face. He never spotted you, but he wasn’t certain if it was a relief that you were nowhere to be found.
Satoru stood at the edge of the street, his forehead lined with sweat, the pale bandages falling away from his icy eyes. Briefly, he dropped the façade that always lingered, and it was obvious how tired he was. How much everything had beaten him down in the last decade and refused to let up.
In that moment, Kento felt sorry for him. Then, Satoru resumed his usual air of arrogance, straightened his back, and the natural balance fell between them once more.
In just a few strides, Kento was upon him, his hair unruly, shirt wrinkled as the tie remained still crumpled around his hand. His muscles ached and he longed for a shower—though any of those trivial thoughts were outweighed by his incessant need to find you.
“Where is she?” The words hung in the air before Kento realized they’d left his lips at all.
Satoru hesitated, almost unwilling to hand over his confession so easily. “I sent her back to the school.”
Kento clenched his fists, but Satoru was defending himself before any irrational actions could be taken.
“She insisted, Nanami.”
Still, he couldn’t help but wish that Satoru had ignored your pleas, even if Kento was unsurprised that you’d volunteered to stand by the students’ side. You weren’t the type of person to let a few first and second years go up against a special grade on their own, no matter how strong they were.
Satoru was squeezing Kento’s shoulder before he had even noticed the movement. Something in his expression had darkened, and though Kento normally would’ve shoved him off, put some distance between the two of them, he wasn’t sure he could remember a time when Satoru Gojo looked so somber. “I wouldn’t have sent them there if I wasn’t certain they’d be alright. I’m not as cruel as you might think.”
Kento knew that he had never behaved warmly towards his ex-classmate, but his opinion of the man was not as low as Satoru believed. For better or worse, Satoru loved his students, and though he pushed them, Kento knew he would never put them into an undefeatable danger.
He sighed, dropping his chin to his chest as Satoru’s hand fell away from his shoulder. “Just take me to her, Gojo.”
Satoru nodded, his lips curling down into a frown before he was teleporting them both back to the high school. There, the sight was even more dismal than Kento had expected. Many of the buildings had been destroyed and there were clear residuals from many sorcerers and curses. It was chaos, a grim sight to behold, and they weren’t even past the gate.
The anxiety twisted up in his chest, and inwardly, he prayed, hopeful that you were as fine as Satoru believed. That Geto, in every inch of his darkened heart, would hesitate when it came to killing an old friend.
“Hey,” Satoru said, tying up the blindfold once more, tightening it across his snowy hair. “She’s fine. This, I’m certain of.”
Kento’s lips were too dry to even offer a thank you, even though Satoru probably deserved it, for all the sacrifices he made, all the time. Instead, he nodded, and turned away from the tall man, haunted by a memory of him once as young as the students that had been left behind to protect humanity.
The leaves and gravel crunched under Kento’s feet as he ran up to the school, taking in the sheer destruction that had befallen the place he’d once called home. It made him ache with a longing for a simpler time, even though he could never go back, and the boy he’d been was long gone.
It was a brisk night—the kind of night that you normally would’ve spent bundled up inside, a bowl of hot soup between you, a movie running while you rested your head against Kento’s shoulder, dozing off before the credits rolled.
That’s how his night should’ve gone. Instead, he was searching every crushed piece of building, every pile of rubble in case your body had been caught between it.
Kento knew that the life of a sorcerer was a miserable one, that it was easy to lose the people you cared about, but he wasn’t certain he’d be able to go on for much longer if he lost you.
The ring was even heavier in his pocket, weighing him down, making it near impossible to move. If you hadn’t survived, Kento would never forgive himself for waiting so long to propose.
He called your name, ripping off his glasses in any attempt to see you better, wondering where you could’ve disappeared to, hoping that you hadn’t died alone.
The grounds, it seemed, had been hollowed out completely, and for the first time, Kento wondered if Gojo was wrong about his old friend.
Panic clawed up his chest, scratching at his throat, sending him into an illogical spiral before a small, shaky voice from behind him brought him back to reality, a light that parted through the black night, so sweet and heavenly to his ears.
“Kento?”
He turned, blinked as you swayed on your feet, making your way slowly down the steps of the main building. You walked awkwardly on your ankle, though you pushed on, heading towards him despite the pain.
For a moment, he watched, and then he was upon you without even acknowledging his movements, two long strides that brought him back to his salvation.
Kento pulled you into his arms, burying his face in your hair, breathing in the undeniable truth that you were still alive, even as you winced from his stronghold, your arms limp at your sides.
“Fuck,” Kento said, kissing you on the top of the head, your hairline, forehead. His eyes were glossy with tears that had been held back by his remaining shreds of hope. “You scared me there for a second, sweetheart.”
Your hands were on his chest, tracing his bicep before you curled your fingers around his jaw, bringing his gaze to your own. The touch was light, searching for any wounds that hid under his stained button-up. “I’m okay,” you said, softly, even though your face was bruised, your ankle twisted, and you were bleeding from more places than one. “Are you?”
Kento nearly laughed, wondering how you could even think to ask that question when he was untouched compared to you. Though, the amusement died immediately when you looked at him with so much concern that he melted, and he squeezed your hand in reassurance. “I’m okay.”
You nodded, expression serious as you attempted to ingrain the words into your mind, convince yourself that everything would be alright, even though things hadn’t been that way in nearly a decade. You kept your hands on him, as if waiting for some wounds to appear, for him to start bleeding into your palm, even though his injuries went no further than some sore muscles.
“And everyone else?”
Kento pulled you into his chest, running a hand up and down your back, wishing that he could heal you as easily as Shoko could, that a gentle touch could fix everything that had ever soiled your life. “Everyone’s fine,” he said, and as far as he knew, that was true. “A little beat up, but they’re alive.”
You exhaled, nodding into his chest as you rested your weight on him.
Kento would gladly bear it, would carry you all the way home if need be.
Briefly, you were silent, before you squeezed your eyes shut painfully and grimaced. “I got the students to Shoko, but they were all so hurt, so badly,” you swallowed, digging your fingers into his shirt, and Kento suddenly hated that Satoru hadn’t sent him with you, even if he was needed in the city. “Geto—”
You stopped yourself, and said nothing more, heartbroken by a boy you had too many fond memories of to ever see in a malicious light. It was difficult for everyone who’d ever known him back then, even if he hadn’t been that way in a decade.
Kento swallowed and you pushed away your tears, buried whatever conversation had transpired earlier between you and the dark-haired sorcerer.
Though, you’d resolved to be everything that Geto was not. That, at least, had been one positive outcome of his betrayal. “It’s not your fault, love.”
“I should’ve been more prepared to kill him, Kento. I’m not as strong as him, but I should’ve been able to hold him off until Gojo—” You choked back a cry before standing straight, shaking your head. “I tried too hard to reason with him. I left it to a student, and—”
“Hey,” Kento held your cheeks tight in his palms, forcing you to gain a better perspective of the situation. You looked up at him with soft, lost eyes, and Kento was filled with a swell of adoration for you, for the strength that came with the vastness of your heart.
Despite all you’d suffered, you’d managed a smile, been the light in Kento’s life, even when he’d wanted to do nothing but wallow in his own misery. If not for you, he wasn’t sure he ever would’ve come back to being a sorcerer at all. If not for you, Kento would’ve been lost, without an ounce of meaning in his life.
You were so foolish for thinking you hadn’t done enough, when you’d done more for him than he could put into words. Kento’s love for you was enormous, and in that moment, he would’ve let the rest of the world collapse in on itself if it meant you’d be safe and happy.
“Any of us would’ve done the same. Do you really believe that Gojo would’ve so easily killed Geto without speaking to him first? Would I have?”
The look didn’t dissipate from your irises, but you didn’t disagree with him, and that was enough. Kento kissed you, deeply, putting every ounce of affection into that single touch. Everyone had made it out of the night alive, and you’d been there for the students when it mattered the most. That was more than he could say, at least.
“I don’t want to lose anyone else, Kento,” you said, blinking at him once more with those sad eyes, ones that he never wanted to see on your normally bright expression. “I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t tear me apart.”
“You won’t lose me,” he promised, even though he knew that there was no way he could keep it, an oath that was almost destined to be broken. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“You and I both know that you can’t be sure of that,” you said, backing out of his embrace to wrap a protective arm around yourself. The smile that graced your lips was sad, defeated. “Our world is not merciful enough.”
Kento knew that better than anyone, and he’d been reminded of it that evening. Reminded of the loss that befell those who wanted to fight for a better world, and even those who didn’t. Death didn’t give any warning, didn’t choose based off anything more than a random draw. “Then I’ll promise to love you until the day I die. That, at least, is a vow I won’t ever break.”
The ring in his pocket was practically vibrating now, reminding him how little the non-necessities of life mattered to him. All this time, he been waiting for the perfect moment, to plan everything down to the very last detail.
It seemed meaningless now.
You squeezed his hand, your face brightening despite your sorrow, lips tugging up sideways. “I can promise the same.” Kento’s heart swelled, and you kissed his cheek before dragging him a few steps forward so the two of you were walking in time together. “We should go check on the students. I want Shoko to check my ankle too. I’ve suffered worse, but it’s starting to swell pretty badly.”
Kento nodded, though his mind was too busy whirling with fears of a wedding that might never happen, that you might never know he was going to propose if he didn’t do it soon. You could be snatched away from him at any moment, or perhaps, he could leave this world with the ring still in his pocket, and you’d only know once you found it on his corpse.
Kento wouldn’t forgive himself, even in death, if he didn’t do what he’d been wanting to do for months.
With one arm around your shoulder, he reached the other into his pocket, twirling the box. He wasn’t even sure why he carried it with him that night when he could’ve so easily lost it in the middle of battle.
Yet, there it was, lingering, the constant weight in his pocket that rested against his hip. He swallowed, and you looked up at him, your lips falling back once more into a frown.
“Hey,” you said, slowing your pace, concern evident in your expression. “Is something wrong? Did something happen in Shinjuku, Kento? I didn’t mean to just brush off—”
Kento shook his head, shushing you quickly. It didn’t take him long to make up his mind, and he wrapped the tiny box up in his hand. “Nothing’s wrong, sweetheart.” He kissed the top of your head again before holding the box out, presenting it to you calmly, without any spike in his normal tone. “I just was thinking about how I was going to ask you to marry me.”
You stopped completely, your pupils blown wide as you took the box from him with shaky hands, blinking back down at it before meeting his tender brown eyes. “Kento?” you said again, calmly, as if waiting for him to explain.
A beat of silence passed between you. Kento, suddenly, felt nervous around you for the first time in a long while.
“Truthfully, I was going to prepare a long-winded speech and buy you some flowers and take you out for dinner. But,” he cleared his throat, regaining his composure as he flipped the lid of the velvety box, revealing the sparkling ring he’d spend hours searching for. “I love you too much to waste any more time. Somehow, until tonight, I’d forgotten how short life can be. I just want to spend every moment I can as your husband.”
Your eyes became glossy as you stared down at the beautiful gem, lifting the ring out of the box to slide onto your finger. As expected, it fit you perfectly, shimmering in the pale light, the perfect complement to your skin. Kento gently took your hand, kissing the knuckle right below the jewelry.
“I’ll propose again to you properly,” he said, laughing quietly, though if it was because of your silence or the joy lodged within him, he couldn’t be certain. “Without all the blood and the—"
“Kento.” Your lips were on his before he could finish his sentence, harsh and passionate despite your injuries. Fingers curled around his chin, holding him into place, making him forget all the horrors that had occurred that evening. “Don’t be silly. I don’t need a grandiose display to know I want to be with you forever. I love you too much.”
Kento’s chest warmed, that bundle of affection within him bursting, making its way through every ounce of his being. There, you seemed to glow brighter, every day making you more beautiful than before, and he wondered how it could be possible that he could feel so much for one person.
He relaxed, unknowingly tense, and kissed you again on the forehead, his arms around your shoulder once more. “I should’ve done it sooner.”
You smiled and caressed the harsh bones of his cheeks, shaking your head. “It wouldn’t have changed anything.” You laughed, pulling him down by the tie, pressing a kiss between his brows to ease the wrinkle there. “Besides, now you’ve turned this awful night into something special. I don’t have to remember this day with a bitter taste in my mouth.”
Kento returned your smile, but it was still weak, even with all of the adoration he felt for you.
Though, when you beamed at the ring, your eyes soft, all of the previous despair gone, he knew that everything would be alright. Perhaps his timing had been less than ideal, but he would do it over and over again if only to ease away the misery from your face.
“So, then you will marry me?” he said again, wanting to hear the words from your lips, even though there was no doubt in his mind.
You rolled your eyes playfully, noticing his teasing smile and indulged him. “Yes, Kento.” You kissed his cheek, letting out a sharp exhale. “I’ll marry you. I would’ve always said yes, even back when we were silly, lovesick teenagers.” You sighed theatrically, adjusting his tie. “Who knows why. You had such a ridiculous haircut back then.”
Kento’s cheeks grew warm, splitting with the force of his smile, one that only seemed to appear with you at his side. Despite all of the horrible things that had happened in all of your lives, he was grateful that there were good moments too.
“Well, I still managed to win over the prettiest girl in the world, didn’t I?” he said, ghosting the words as he laced his fingers with your own, squeezing tight. “Now I get to call her my fiancée.”
You mumbled something less than kind under your breath, but Kento could feel the warmth on your cheeks, the flush the began from your neck.
He laughed, continuing his path back to the infirmary, where the students were likely waiting for you to return safe and sound. “Come on, I’m taking you to see Shoko. I wouldn’t want my future wife’s injuries to get any worse, would I?”
And though the both of you knew your injuries were minimal, your eyes brightened as the skin around them wrinkled, and Kento knew that whatever happened after this, he would live and die a happy man.
#nanami kento#jjk x you#jjk x reader#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#nanami kento fluff#nanami jjk#jjk nanami#nanami x reader#nanami imagine#nanami kento x you#nanami kento x reader#kento nanami#kento nanami x you#kento nanami x reader#jujutsu nanami#nanami kento x y/n#nanami fluff#nanami x you#nanami x fem!reader#nanami x y/n#kento x reader#kento x y/n#jjk x y/n#jjk fluff#jjk x fem!reader#jujutsu kaisen fluff#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen x you#rylie writes ₊˚🎧
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 18
pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader
genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au, star-crossed lovers
synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you’ve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you’ve never met somebody like him. there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that he’s always wanted to, but what he didn’t anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned.
word count: 33K
warnings: cursing, drinking, mature content, heavyyyy angst, mutual pining, sexual tension, jealousy, unrequited love, mature language, dirty jokes, arguments, whipped hyunjin, a big confrontation, lots of heartbreaks, mentions of diet, mentions of threats, toxic idol culture, a scene of unwarranted sexual advances! (not from hyunjin)
a/n: whew, this is another big chapter and picks up from hyunjin's pov after he moved back to the city, hope that's not confusing! there's a lot of toxicity surrounding idol culture, and features mature language and content throughout. please read the warnings to make sure you're comfortable with everything. this fic has taken a life of it's own, and im really enjoying focusing on yn's character arc, along with the obvious lovestory. this isn't a feel-good chapter, it features a lot of angst and uncomfortable situations, but i promise things will get better after this! anyway, this was very fun to write and picks up on one of my favorite arcs of this story. please get comfortable with snacks and a blanket to read. you can listen to my star lost playlist here!
important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.
masterlist
Five Months Ago.
The electric blue guitar in Hyunjin’s hands felt familiar. He adjusted the strap around his body, he was getting used to the weight of it again. It had been a while since he’d touched it, fingers skimming over the strings. If he focused on this, he could ignore the blaring lights in his face.
“Still not used to the spotlight, Jinnie?” Jisung asked, elbowing him in the stomach. Hyunjin doubled over, avoiding another attack from the man, “Ouch. The lights are brighter than I remember”
“Well, how else will they get our pretty faces on camera?” Jisung grinned, stepping in front of him, and thankfully blocking the heat of the lights.
“I’m…really hot” Hyunjin declared, drops of sweat dripping down his forehead, “I hope they can fix the cooling in here”
Jisung sighed, lifting his guitar to help him tune it, taking the weight momentarily off his hands. As he did that, someone stepped up to Hyunjin, a little electric fan and makeup palette in hand, “Can you please hold this? Your makeup’s running”
“Sorry” He apologised, even though it was no one’s fault. The stage equipment and lights made the set far too hot, the air conditioning was broken and they’d only just begun. Hyunjin couldn’t fathom what the full day of filming would look like. He held the little fan to his face, the cool instantly relaxing his muscles with relief, shoulders sagging from tension. Jisung stood between them still, trying to tune his guitar and the makeup lady awkwardly stepped closer, patting down the foundation on Hyunjin’s cheeks, “Did you tan when you were away?”
“Um, I suppose. I was out in the sun a lot” He responded, but realised quickly that she didn’t really want a response. She was berating him because his usual foundation no longer matched him. Her lips pulled into a thin line, “You should be careful”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows shot up. Careful about…what exactly? When he was in Daejon, swimming in the Creek, or lounging away in the sun, his first concern wasn’t exactly putting on any heavy sunscreen. He was away from the world of…such.
“He just doesn’t know his face would cost the company millions of won" Jisung joked. It was irresponsible, sure, but he had more important things distracting him at the time. At the memory of the bright Daejon sun, Hyunjin smiled, closing his eyes briefly to revel in the memory. If he thought hard enough, the blaring spotlights could almost replicate the southern summer sun. It was hard to get lost in his imagination though. The lady was prodding and poking at his face, turning him this and that side so she could fix him. This wasn’t the time.
“There. Try playing it now” Jisung said proudly, standing up straight and letting go of Hyunjin’s guitar. So he played a tempo to test it, and the music seemed perfectly fine now. In the end, it was futile anyway. The company didn’t allow them to play live in the music video. Apparently they had no faith that the boys wouldn’t mess up the instruments after such a long hiatus, and there was no time or money for retakes and reshoots. So, they would only pretend to play, and lip-sync the words and hopefully someone in the editing department would make it seem real. Still, Hyunjin was going to try his hardest to genuinely play. He hated pretending.
“Close your eyes,” The lady mumbled, an annoyed tone that frankly felt unwarranted. He followed the instructions, and felt the tip of a brush poking at his eyes as she reapplied some of the darker eyeshadow. The concept for this album was pop-rock, leaning heavily into the rock, and so their makeup was inspired from the 1980s world of rock.
“Did I do something wrong?” Hyunjin asked, as she used a little too much force on him, making his eyes water under the sharp brush.
“Hmm?” She was none the wiser, and he suddenly wondered if he should backtrack, but he wouldn’t be able to continue the filming knowing one of their makeup artists was possibly mad at him. “You…seem upset” He said.
A sigh followed, “I’m not upset, I just think you should take better care of yourself. Jisung was right, you know? Your face does cost us thousand of won. I understand you’ve just come back from vacation but if you don’t do your job, it’s very difficult for me to do mine”
“Right” He nodded, sudden guilt overwhelming him, “Can I open my eyes now?”
With the confirmation, he did and looked at her, “I’m sorry, I’ll be more careful in the future”
She smiled, pulling at his cheek, “It’s good to have you back, kid”
Within seconds, the set jumped back to life. Chan ran onto the stage, getting into his position, and Changbin followed. They were both visibly upset, due to the company not allowing them to sing live, but years in this industry had made them numb to some of that anger. Hyunjin took his place on the stage, as the cameras adjusted and thirty-something people gathered before them, ready to film. He wished he could sneak one look in the mirror before filming, for the reassurance that he didn’t look like a total clown, but he trusted the kind makeup lady.
“All right, boys” Chan looked at them, microphone stand in his hands, “From the top, yeah?”
The backing track began on cue, and Hyunjin’s heart pounded like it hadn’t in ages. Maybe he wasn’t prepared to do a full-fledged music video shoot so soon after the hiatus. Did he even remember his chords right? The audience may not be looking at his hands, but he sure as hell would be. He squeezed his eyes shut, taking in a breath, hoping he didn’t mess up for the sake of their team. Millions of people would watch this. Thousands would instantly know they weren’t actually singing, and he had grown tired of the accusations. Most of those people would be rooting for his failure, and he could imagine the myriad of hate comments about how Hyunjin should never have returned to the band. Maybe it was a mistake being back in the spotlight so soon. Chan’s hand landed on his shoulder, startling him. He leaned in to whisper, loud enough for only Hyunjin to hear, “Forget everyone else, Jinnie. She’s going to love this”
A surprised smile tugged on Hyunjin’s lips just as the spotlight hit him, and the camera began rolling.
»»————-
Later that night, Jisung crawled into his bed. He pulled the blue comforter off Hyunjin’s aching legs, settling cross-legged across him. The filming had taken a toll on him, and he’d really let himself go when he was away. It usually took a lot more to get him this tired, and he was still adjusting to this new schedule. Jisung leaned against the wall, releasing a sigh of contentment. This had become second nature to them, a routine to sit, talk, and catch up on the past few months of summer. They’d stayed in touch through text, but it wasn’t the same. Some nights, they’d go for a walk, find an open barbecue place, and eat into the early hours of dawn. Other nights, they’d stay in the dorm and order some cheesecake, and Jisung would tell him everything he missed. Every anecdote, each funny moment, painstaking details of how many different ways he’d embarrassed himself. Hyunjin had missed a lot, so he’d sit and listen to the tales of the city that he’d pined for all this while. It was good to return to the life he’d left behind. Everything was different here, and sometimes it felt like summer had existed in a void away from the world. Jisung would also ask him about his hometown, but Hyunjin never knew where to start, so he preferred to listen to Jisung instead. He had a lot more to say anyway.
Tonight was different. Jisung asked him about you.
And that wasn’t the routine.
“I don’t really know what you want me to tell you” Hyunjin laughed, and they were both tucked into blankets, like kids bonding at their first sleepover.
“You’ve talked about this girl all freaking summer, and now you have nothing to say?”
“Well, yeah, you already know everything” Hyunjin mumbled, flush rising up. They never had this dynamic before, this…sharing of crushes, or whatever it could be called. Jisung was usually the one in relationships out of the two of them, and Hyunjin would never bug him about it. Not until Jisung told him himself. So, Hyunjin didn’t know what to say.
“Yeah, I know the shortened version you sent over text, but…how’d she react when you said you’re coming back?”
Hyunjin swallowed, memories flashing through his mind of his last night in his hometown, “She was really upset”
“Upset, like…didn’t talk to you kind of upset, or…had sex with you before you left— upset?”
The words sent a flush up Hyunjin’s neck, and he knew this was exactly what Jisung wanted. This was his intention. To embarrass him. To celebrate this new dynamic, when Hyunjin was the one with a stupid crush and not the other way around.
“We didn’t have sex” He clarified. Jisung’s eyes widened, “Really? Not even on the last night?”
Hyunjin leaned his head against the wall, playing with the threads of the blanket. The last night was complicated, for all the right and the wrong reasons, so he settled for the most matter-of-fact answer, “I didn’t have any condoms”
“Shut up, I know that’s not true. I sent you like a huge box your first week in Daejon. Don’t tell me you never used them…”
Hyunjin laughed at the memory, “Thank you for that Jisung, but…I’d already packed it away. I didn’t really expect anything to happen anyway. I thought she’d be too upset at me for leaving”
“So…that’s the only reason?”
Hyunjin swallowed, knowing that if perhaps they’d had an hour longer together that night, things would probably have led straight to that, condoms or no condoms, “Well…we were out of time”
“You spent months with this girl. How were you out of time?”
Hyunjin sighed, “There was no right moment. I didn’t want it to be rushed—”
“No rush? As if you wouldn’t bust a nut as soon as you’re—” Jisung was interrupted with a smack in the face by a pillow, voice turning high, “Ouch! What’d you do that for?”
“I’m not talking about this anymore” Hyunjin laughed, the red reaching the tips of his ears.
“That’s pretty unfair, you know. I used to tell you every detail of my relationship with Mae, down to the nitty-gritty details”
Hyunjin looked up at him. It had been a while since he’d talked about Mae so freely, and he swallowed, “How are you holding up?”
Jisung’s smile fell, humorous demeanour disappearing in seconds, “She’s happy now”
The statement meant so much more than he let on. Happy now. As in, she wasn’t happy before, when she was dating Jisung. Thinking back on it now, their breakup had been explosive, and it seemed like Jisung was still picking up the pieces. Was this what the rest of Hyunjin’s life would look like? Surrounded by miserable relationships destroyed by their careers. He can’t recall the last time he witnessed a love story with a happy ending. He sighed, “That sucks man”
Jisung shrugged, “It is what it is”
Hyunjin stretched out his legs under the blanket, letting out a soft groan, “Man, my limbs haven’t hurt like this in ages”
Jisung rolled his eyes, “You’re getting soft, big boy. We’re hitting the studio tomorrow at six. Album release is only a month away now”
His phone buzzed and he reached for it immediately. “Is that her?” Jisung asked, smiling.
“Yup” Hyunjin typed in a quick text to you, “She’s…telling me about her day”
“Is that all you guys do?” Jisung asked, a smirk on his face, scrolling up on their chats, without permission. He let out a dramatic gasp, “What are you writing her all these long-ass paragraphs for? It feels like I’m reading a book. Big red flag. At least break it up into multiple texts”
Hyunjin rolled his eyes, “I mean, there’s a lot she’s interested to know about my life here. I like telling her what we’re up to. If you see it from an outside perspective, it’s pretty cool. She really loves it”
Jisung laughed, eyebrows wiggling like a kid, “Uh-huh. Sure. That’s what she loves”
Hyunjin sighed, rolling his eyes, “Stop. We’re just…really close friends now”
“Does she know that?”
He didn’t like this conversation anymore and what it implied. He informed him for the umpteenth time, “I told her from the start that I don’t do relationships. She knows.”
Jisung was still scrolling through their chat, probably hoping to find something steamy but stopped at the media that Hyunjin had shared, letting out a gasp, “Wait a minute. Have you been sending her our studio recordings?”
“Yes” Hyunjin frowned, “She likes those”
“You know, Eunwoo would have a heart attack if he knew you were leaking unreleased music”
Hyunjin sighed. Jisung was always so dramatic. “I’m not leaking anything. It’s only to her. She’s not going to show anyone”
“And how do you know that?”
“I trust her” Hyunjin’s reply was automatic, “More than anything”
Jisung smiled, eyes crinkling, tilting his head, “Even more than me?”
He chuckled, grabbing his phone back, “Shut up”
»»————-
He had been waking up earlier than usual, and he’d find himself at the kitchen table first thing in the morning, watching the sun rise through their apartment window. It was always fun to greet the boys as soon as they woke. He’d missed them for so long and he was trying to cherish every moment with them. Jisung would joke about how obsessed he was with them, often hovering like a parent around the house in the morning, waiting for their kids to wake up. It was strange because Hyunjin wasn’t an early riser, but his thirst to spend time with them overpowered his desire to lay in bed. He sat at the kitchen island scribbling ideas in a little journal Changbin bought him. It had admittedly become his diary, filled with crazy ideas, midnight thoughts, and sketches for paintings.
The dance practices had got easier in the past weeks, and his limbs felt lighter. It almost took no time for him to get back to normal, sucked into the whirlpool of obligations that his life offered. There were so many interviews, press junkets, editorials, and he was back in the studio every night. He’d missed that grandly — getting to work on the music and, for the first time, writing his songs into the album. All of that made everything else worth it — like when they couldn’t leave their dorm because it was surrounded by paparazzi. They’d crowded around the building, hoping to get a glimpse at or any comments out of Jisung. Unfortunately, Jisung was still in the middle of a huge legal battle with the media that had leaked every detail of his personal life and relationship. Hyunjin didn’t understand how Jisung managed to still be so sane, after something like that rocked his world.
But slowly, he carved time in his life to start painting again, between schedules of course. An art shop in Hongdae was perfect for his needs. It was small and convenient, and he could be away from the public eye when he was in it. He found time for you. In changing rooms, backstage, in five-minute breathers between practice, he’d text you when he could.
“You’re up early” Chan smiled, and Hyunjin looked up at him. He was already dressed, and he moved towards the light switch, turning them on, “You’re drawing in the dark?”
“It’s peaceful” Hyunjin hummed, “On set…it’s always too bright”
“Ah. Right. What are you sketching this time?” Chan moved over to him, glimpsing into his diary.
“Just…a rough map of home. I’m writing down all the places, I wanna remember it. I don’t know when I’ll go back”
Chan smiled thoughtfully, “Is that your plan for the day?”
“No, actually, I was just about to head out to buy some flowers. I really want to draw some white hydrangeas, they won’t be in bloom for longer, and I’m hoping I can capture their whole life cycle”
Chan laughed, “Wow. It’s only six am and you’re already talking romance”
Hyunjin flushed, “It’s just for my drawings. I want to get better at observation. Speaking of, can I come watch you in the gym later? I…think I’ll draw you next”
Chan moved around the island, prepping a morning smoothie, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re flirting with me, Jinnie”
“Of course not” Hyunjin rolled his eyes, continuing to add details to his little map, right now he was adding the 7/11 between your house and Aera’s.
“Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to be possible Jinnie. And…you’re probably gonna have to get the flowers tomorrow” Chan suddenly said, filling up the blender with ingredients.
Hyunjin frowned, “What do you mean?” But of course, Chan turned the blender on right then, so Hyunijn had to wait until he was done to find out. The loud whizzing sound filled the kitchen, and if the other boys weren’t up yet, they certainly would be now.
“Sorry about that” Chan apologised sheepishly, pouring the smoothie into four cups, and then eyed Hyunjin’s pajamas, “You should change into a coat, something warm. It’s chilly out”
Hyunjin tilt his head, suspicious, “Why?”
Chan slid him the smoothie, which Hyunjin hadn’t even asked for, and then grinned, “I’m kidnapping you”
“What?” He laughed, reaching for the cup anyway. He might as well start drinking healthy.
“There’s someone I’d like you to meet, Jinnie. She’s a prodigy, she owns like a gazillion art galleries across the country, and she wants to meet you”
“Since when are you interested in art?” Hyunjin hummed, trying not to gag at the taste of the drink. It was all protein powder and whey. Chan smiled at the sight, leaning forward on the counter, “Since my best friend started drawing masterpieces, of course. Go get changed. I’ll drive us there, and if we have time before going to set, we just might be able to buy your flowers”
»»————-
The paintings in the art gallery were beautiful, and Chan was a good sport, taking just enough interest in the art that Hyunjin felt important in explaining all the techniques. They’d wandered around for a while now, eyeing every exhibition. Enough time had passed as they stood observing the room of sculptures, and Chan nudged him. He was diverting his attention to a woman with a tablet in hand as she walked around the space. The apparent prodigy. She seemed busy, pushing buttons on the tablet as she inventoried the place, a flurry of rich visitors following her around. Hyunjin had seen her before, and he asked, “Does she work in our building by any chance?”
“She certainly does. Hey, Karina!” He suddenly called out, “This is Hyunjin”
Hyunjin went wide-eyed and awkward, certainly unprepared to meet someone so important out of the blue, but Karina seemed sweet enough. Her gaze caught his, widening when she noticed them. She whispered something to her über important guests, and then walked over to them, all prim and poise. She certainly looked the part of an art gallery owner, although Hyunjin had never seen one so young before. She shot him a smile, “Ah. I’ve heard so much about you, Hyunjin”
“Oh no” Hyunjin had a funny feeling in his stomach, “What did Chan say?”
She laughed, “Nothing too bad. He showed me some of your work”
“He what?” Hyunjin cringed, “I’m sorry about that”
She laughed again, “Don’t apologise. Your work’s pretty good. Even before Chan, you were kind of hard to miss actually. Your face is plastered all across the company building”
Hyunjin cringed yet again, clasping his hands together, “I’m…sorry about that. That’s embarrassing”
She laughed, “Not at all. So…do you like the collection?”
Hyunjin looked around, nodding, “Oh. Of course! It’s beautiful. I love the exhibit, and I can’t believe you have some Monet up too. That must have been hard to get”
She tilt her head, an admiring smile on her face, “It certainly was. The job’s not easy, but I enjoy it a lot. We try to stick to contemporary work, switching up exhibits every month or so. You’re lucky you caught us during Monet. We’re having those shipped back to Paris soon”
Hyunjin nodded, hands slipping into his pockets, “Paris. Wow…”
“Actually I don’t have too much time, so I’m going to cut to the chase” She smiled, “The reason I asked Chan if I could meet you was…if you’d ever be interested, I wouldn’t be opposed to hosting an exhibition for your work”
His eyes widened, a surprised chuckle escaping him, “What? I’m literally just starting out. Experimenting…I don’t even have a specific art style yet or much original work…”
Karina shook her head as if all of that was an afterthought, “We already know it’ll be a hit. You’re very loved, especially in Seoul”
He couldn’t wrap his head around it. Why would an actual, real-life gallery ever want to exhibit his work? He barely had work to begin with! All he’d done was post a few artworks on his Instagram, and mentioned that he liked drawing in an interview, “But I’m not a professional, by any means, I just…do it because I enjoy it”
She smiled, “Precisely. It’d be nice to give new artists a voice. Sooner or later, some art gallery is going to snatch you up. I’d prefer if we were the first. There’s a lot of interest in you by the public. It’d be a loss to not display your work. If there’s anything I learnt from Kim Jieong it was—”
“Wait, you know Kim Jieong?” Hyunjin forgot his manners, interrupting her, especially in such an excitement, but he couldn’t help himself.
Karina laughed, eyes narrowing, “Are you a fan?”
“No, but my girlfr-“ Hyunjin stopped in his sentence, clearing his throat, and he could feel Chan’s gaze burn curiously into him, “Um…one of my friends is. He’s her favourite artist in the world”
“Well…I wouldn’t give him so much credit” Karina spoke, clutching the tablet tightly, “But yes, I used to intern with him earlier”
He was too straightforward, but he didn’t care, “Do you think you could help me get in touch with him? I’m sorry, I realise that’s a big favour and—”
Her expression changed, “I don’t know, Hyunjin. My relationship with Jieong…is complicated. But, if you’d really like maybe I could help you set up a meeting or something”
“Really?” His eyes lit up, and the conversation had completely sidetracked but it didn’t matter, “That would mean everything to me. Thank you”
“Of course. I can’t promise anything. This may be TMI, but he and I aren’t on the best terms. He is a wonderful artist though. I’ll give him that”
“Thank you, Karina” He smiled, genuinely. A security guard came up, tapping her on the shoulder. She nodded at him, and then looked back at Hyunjin, “I'm sorry I have to get going, there's been an incident involving a spill in the impressionist gallery …but the offer’s always up for the exhibition, by the way. Eunwoo could give you my contact details. I think you’d made a great addition to my portfolio, Hyunjin”
He smiled, but all he could focus on was that she knew Kim Jieong. Hope festered in his heart that maybe now he could finally get you the chance you deserved.
»»————-
The Hydrangeas bloomed beautifully on Hyunjin’s desk. He’d been drawing them all afternoon, and he looked forward to seeing their state change as he came home each night from work. It felt silly, but summer flowers reminded him of you. The vase needed fresh water, and he stopped sketching to go up to the kitchen and fill it up. The boys were gathered around the dining table, just about to head out to the studio, and Chan was preparing cocktails. Hyunijn switched on the water tap, absentmindedly watching the vase fill up, listening to their conversations.
Karina still hadn’t got back to him, but he was holding onto hope. It had only been a week since their conversation after all. His days since then had been busy so he couldn't worry too much about it, occupied by schedules, he’d also managed to squeeze in time for himself now. It seemed like going back to his hometown had been genuinely helpful. It had fulfilled its purpose. He’d come back to work, feeling a new kick in energy and joie de vivre. There was hardly any sadness like before, and that's all Hyunjin could have asked for from his little vacation anyway.
Since his return, there had been some changes to the company too. He’d discovered a new library, hidden in their building, somewhere on the fourth floor, and he’d been frequenting it during his breaks. Every morning, he picked a new book to read and would fixate on it for the next week and a half. Barely any employees ever came to the library, other than HR sometimes, and it was a nice escape. He could imagine that you’d really love the library, full of nooks and crannies begging to be found and thousands of books aching to be read.
He discovered he had an affinity for poetry, and some poems never left his mind. There was one in particular by Kim Yong-Taek that occupied all the space in his head.
눈 내리기 전에 / Before the snow falls,
한번 보고 싶습니다 / I would love to see you.
They felt real, as if they’d been written only for him, and shivers often ran up his skin as he stood reading them quietly, a deep ache in his heart at the familiarity of the words. It was crazy that something written hundreds of years ago could capture exactly what Hyunjin was feeling right now. He hoped he could make music that felt the same to others. The longing in his bones only got worse each day, and he was making a plan to fix it. Summer had been beautiful, even contending for his favourite season, but it was ending, and he would do anything to make autumn just as beautiful.
»»————-
Sleep clouded his vision, the song's melody blending with his drowsiness. It had been a week of rerecordings and they’d barely got any rest. Hyunjin tugged the headphones off, glancing at Chan through the observation window, “Was that a good take?”
Chan gave him a thumbs up through the window. His energy had been deflated too, but Hyunjin was hoping for a better response, “Are you sure? I can do another take. I think…it doesn’t sound as emotional as Jisung’s verse”
Hyunjin could only just about see Chan’s eyes, squinted over the mask he wore. The decision to cover his face was obvious; there was a little camera propped up in the studio, a way to film behind-the-scenes content for when the album finally released. Chan obviously didn’t want to be captured in this sleep-deprived state. Still, Hyunjin would have loved to see his expression, the microscopic changes in his face would tell him if he really loved the recording or not.
Chan nodded, weary eyes, “If you think you can do a better take, go for it, Hyunjin”
So he did, inhaling a breathful of air so he wouldn’t falter during his lines. He’d sounded too emotionless and mechanical and they were recording a love song. He had to pour his feelings into it, so he closed his eyes. The lyrics were embedded into his brain anyway.
Chan began the backing track, and Hyunjin let his thoughts drift... They wandered into a familiar memory, one he usually saved for bedtime and when he was alone. His mind kept coming back to it. It was so fresh, but each day it was fading away, slipping out of his grasp and he felt the need to bottle up the memory and store it in a safe forever, where it would always be remembered. The twinkling fairy lights of the Château, the blue paint puddle on the floor, the paint you spilled on his shirt, the heated and frenzied first, second…and third kisses. The moment had been so short-lived. He had been so vulnerable that night. You’d seen him that night, truly seen him, and he still felt surprised at how much he’d divulged in you so easily. It was the realest he’d ever felt, like the rest of his life before and after was just a charade for his friends, for the cameras, for himself.
Maybe it was only with you that he was the real Hyunjin. The teasing and laughs over the chocolate strawberries and paint easels had been second nature and strangely familiar, like it wasn’t your first time doing this together, as if you had both been falling into patterns and habits of centuries ago. The most innocent actions felt crude, and cruel. Crude to kiss your cheek but not take it further. Cruel to give in to a desire he could never fulfil. Maybe every other moment in his life had been fabricated except for that night, that would explain why he was the happiest then.
“Shit…what was that?” A voice interrupted him. Hyunjin snapped open his eyes to see Chan staring at him in disbelief. The backing track had gone onto the next verse now. He cleared his throat, “Um. Sorry I….spaced out. Let me record that again”
“Are you kidding me? That’s the best take you’ve ever given us” Chan laughed, in disbelief, stepping into the recording booth, “You sold that to me completely, Fuck. You almost made me tear up. You should do more ballads, Jinnie. That was amazing”
Hyunjin blinked at him, holding onto his headphones tightly, so unaware of himself, “I…I didn’t realise it was that good”
“Come on. Listen to it” Chan grabbed his arm, leading him out, and replaying what had just been recorded. Hyunjin almost didn’t recognise himself singing. He’d never sang like this before. Goosebumps rippled up his arms and neck, and he looked at Chan, “You’re right. That one turned out…really good”
“Damn. You can convince the audience that you’ve lived a thousand lives, been through a hundred heartbreaks. You convinced me. That was so real”
Hyunjin’s lips tugged into a smile, and he pushed his hands in his sweatshirt pockets, “It felt real to me too”
Chan wrapped up the recording, and then happily turned the company camera off, “Do you know what this means, Jinnie?”
“What?” Hyunjin asked, grateful they weren’t being recorded anymore.
Chan stepped closer to him, a growing smile on his face, “We fucking finished this album, baby”
»»————-
Hyunjin was changing the water in the vase. He’d been desperately trying to keep the Hydrangeas alive, but that had been a failing task. So he’d found some time to buy some Cosmos, hoping he could draw them instead. It was almost autumn now, and the flower in bloom had changed, so he kept trying to adjust to it. It was harder than he thought. Chan's voice distracted him, “Are you coming to dinner with us? We’re thinking of trying that new Italian place”. Hyunjin looked up at him, “Shit. Is it okay if I bail? I was going to call Y/N later tonight. She wanted to paint together”
His eyebrows shot up, a small smile on his face, “Paint together? Is that a euphemism?”
Hyunjin rolled his eyes, switching the water tap off, “No. It's obviously not”
“Wouldn’t you love if it was?” Jisung smirked at him, walking into the kitchen. It seemed like all their serious, and unserious conversations often took place in this kitchen, their one common space. Chan laughed, “So how long will your paint date last? Should we bring you any takeout pizza?”
Hyunjin shrugged, glancing at the clock, “No, that’s okay, I’m not hungry. It’ll last a few hours maybe. Next week we’re going to be so busy with the press tour, I was hoping to finish a whole painting tonight. It’s easier if I’m doing it with her. I’m just more motivated then”
“There’s a word for that, you know?” Chan leaned forward on the counter, a teasing smile on his face, “She’s your proper muse”
Hyunjin laughed, not expecting him to say that, but he had been thinking about it. After all, that’s what had made the recordings so much easier. He was singing with you in mind. He denied it, “That’s really cheesy, even for you, Chan…”
“Eh, but it’s true. You should tell her that tonight”
Hyunjin smiled, already imagining your reaction to such a thing. He wouldn’t even know how he’d bring it up. Wouldn’t it be too much? Would you be embarrassed? He could recall all the times he’d catch you off guard with his compliments back in Daejon, your expression as if he’d said the most insane thing ever when Hyunjin was just appreciating you. Fuck. He really needed to see that reaction in person again.
Every perfect summer memory only added to the weight of his longing in fall, and he decided it was time, “I’m gonna invite her to come to Seoul”
Changbin stood across the hall, having just come out of his room to catch the last bit of conversation. His eyebrows shot up, “You are…?”
Hyunjin swallowed, catching the boys' reactions as he revealed the plan, “I just bought the train tickets for her this morning, and while she's here she can stay in an apartment I rented out for her. It’s a few blocks away from ours, so she’s close enough to me, without it being suspicious”
Jisung frowned, “But if you rented it, your name would go down in the record”
“No, I already thought of that. I asked to use my aunt’s credit card, and she’s not a Hwang, so there won’t be any trace back to me”
Jisung leaned back in his chair, “You really thought of everything, huh? No loopholes?”
“No loopholes” Hyunjin nodded, hoping they’d approve of it because something like this would put them all under scrutiny and risk, “Well, as long as she says yes”
“Why wouldn’t she?” Changbin frowned, crossing his arms, “If I was her, I’d jump at the chance”
“Yeah, I know you would. There’s an apprenticeship she wanted in the city…but she didn’t get it yet. She may not want to come here anymore…in case it reminds her of that”
“Is there any chance she can still get it?”
Hyunjin shrugged, placing his palms on the counter as he thought over it, “I don’t know how it works. I’m trying to figure it out”
Chan sighed, seeing his dilemma, “Hey, if it’s in the stars…she’ll get it. She seems talented enough from what you tell me about her”
“She’s hellbent on believing she can’t get it. I’m going to try to convince her to apply again. It’s kind of frustrating. Without connections, it’s so hard to make anything out of it. I mean, when we were at the gallery, you introduced me to Karina. It was so easy. She saw my work, and immediately agreed to a fucking exhibition. Sometimes it feels kind of unfair. What did I do to deserve that? I know there are hundreds of artists better than me who should be getting exhibitions, but…I’m getting it just because I’m famous. It feels weird and privileged”
Chan sighed, “Hyun…I know what you mean, but…it’s unfortunately how things are. And it’s not like you’re misusing this. The fact that you recognise it in the first place is sometimes all we can do”
Hyunjin let out an exhale, staring off into the distance, when his phone pinged. It was a text from you.
hey! im all set up here. ready when you are :)
Chan grinned, handing him a cocktail he’d just made, “Go on then. We’ll head to dinner and we’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
Hyunjin smiled, rushing back to his room. In anticipation of this call, he’d already set up his work area. Ever since he’d been back, he hadn’t gotten too much time talking to you, so he would make the most of it. He set his glass down next to his MacBook, and laid out his canvas. Through the computer screen, he could see a glimpse of your room, which was messier than his. It had more personality, and it was more lived in. He realised he’d never had a chance to come to your place. He had a sudden urge to see how you set up your room and things, your little knick-knacks, the big teddy he won for you, your artwork curated over years. But from hundreds of miles of away, he could only see a little square of your life. You were biting down on a chip when he spoke, “I think you’re going to love the song I’m working on with Chan”
Your face changed, lighting up, “Yeah?”
The connection wasn’t great, so all your responses were delayed, but Hyunjin hummed, proud, “It’s…a sexy, contemporary kind of R&B. I can imagine you liking it”
“When can I hear it?”
He laughed at your eagerness, “We’re still writing it”
You nodded, going back to painting. He would surprise you soon with the ticket he bought you to Seoul, but he wanted to build up to it. Perhaps he could do a grand gesture, or leave you little hints to keep you wondering. He could only imagine how happy you’d be. He could show you his favourite places in the city, introduce you to the boys and you could finally see his life, in all it’s glory. It only felt fair after you’d let him into yours so warmly. He had fit into your life in town so easily, a puzzle piece falling into place, and he hoped he could make it the same for you. Obviously, there’d be less freedom, more restrictions but at least you wouldn’t be a stranger to his lifestyle anymore. Hyunjin took a moment to sip his drink, staring at his own work. getting the courage to say it, “Can I say something cheesy?”
“Yeah?”
He leaned over the webcam, so he could be infinitesimally closer to you, cheeks reddening, “When I get stuck in the middle of the writing process, I think of you, and it really helps”
He watched as you sat on your knees, curious, “What do you think about?”
He flushed, regretting how this made him sound so romantic when he wasn't trying to be, “You know…just our time together. Chan teases me about it. He says you’re my muse or whatever”
He saw your eyes widen, and a deep emotion overwhelmed you. He didn’t see you react more, and he wondered what this meant to you, what he meant to you right now, even so far away. You didn't say anything back. You must be holding it all in, just like him. Maybe you didn’t know how to put your thoughts into words. He couldn't blame you. Even after reading all the poems in the world, Hyunjin didn’t have the words either. Not enough anyway.
»»————-
It was supposed to be an informal gathering to celebrate the album, but it felt more like a full-fledged party. Their manager’s apartment had been completely transformed, no empty floor space as everybody from the company had gathered around for a hurrah. Hyunjin had a few drinks in his system already, enough to get him really going. He stood away from the crowd, tucked into a corner, phone pulled out, typing in a ridiculously cheesy message to you. The party was great, and he was so happy to have finished the album. All that was missing was you. The text started sounding far too cheesy, inspired by the love rot that the poetry books had filled in his brain, and slowly, it became more and more unhinged. The wine Chan brought must have got to his head, but he couldn't stop, all of his thoughts pouring out in a mixture of sentences that didn't really make any sense.
I want you here with me at this party. Fuck, it’s so dull without you. If you were here, we could just sneak off and…I would kiss you. Positively. My manager is here, the scary one, but he doesn’t have to know. Earlier, I was reading a book and there was an English word in it that reminded me of you. Saudade. I looked it up because I was so curious and it said it’s a state of melancholy for a beloved someone or something. I think that explains this ridiculous feeling I have when I think of you. I have it even when I’m not thinking of you. Like last week, when we were recording this one song. It’s like you’re here with me in everything. I guess what I’m saying is, I just want to kiss you really really badly and fuck I’m really drunk so I’m sorry for how this may sound but I just really need to feel you—
The phone was snatched from his hands, Changbin squinting to read the message, “Who are you texting in the middle of our party?”
Hyunjin flushed red. He was really drunk but he still noticed their manager to the side, and hushed, “Keep your voice down, Binnie”
He looked up, eyes wide, “Is this your idea of a sext?”
“What? no— it’s not a sext. I’m not sexting, what the hell”
“You’re like…weirdly poetic when you’re drunk”
Hyunjin closed his eyes, “Just…give me that”
He deleted the message.
It was a bad idea to be sending you drunk messages anyway. He should just call you instead. Yeah. That sounded like a smarter, much better idea. Before he could dial your number, Changbin pulled him to the living room, and Hyunjin let himself be tugged along. Jisung was standing shirtless there, liquid smeared down his chest and abs. He was laughing, hair all messed up, clearly very tipsy, “Come on! Who’s next?”
Hyunjin did not intend to be a part of whatever this was, but Changbin pushed him ahead, “He’s up” But they were surrounded by company employees. Even the girl from the art gallery, Karina, was here and he flushed from the embarrassment. “I don’t even know what we’re doing” Hyunjin chuckled nervously, as Changbin hoisted him up over the table, handing him a quick shot to get the nerves out. Hyunjin downed it in a single sip, the liquid burning his throat. The state of his sobriety stopped him from protesting too much, until Jisung explained, “Body shots, of course. Pick your contender, Jinnie”
Hyunjin’s eyes widened, looking around the bunch of people, none of whom he felt comfortable touching him, but he saw a few of the women shy away, “I…I don’t know”
“I’ll do it” Chan laughed, stepping ahead from the crowd, “If that’s okay with you”
Jisung certainly seemed to have enjoyed it, and he wanted to give it a shot. He could be chill with this, but he would definitely blame the alcohol in him for how easily he went down on the table, and how easily he let Chan unbutton his black shirt. The overhead lights were too bright and Hyunjin closed his eyes, and his head was spinning. The music was pounding in his ears, the marble countertop cold to his back.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this” He laughed to himself, swept up in the environment as Changbin dripped tequila over his stomach. The chill liquid tickled him and he immediately squirmed, sending a shiver down his spine. He felt embarrassed for his reaction. Clearly, he was a novice to this party celebration, but he was also enjoying the attention.
“You ready, Jinnie?” Chan asked, looking up at him with a comforting smile. Chan was definitely drunk too in order to pull a stunt like this in front of the employees. They were absolutely loving it though and he could hear them all cheer them on. They never got to see the members in a more unprofessional environment than this one, and Hyunjin hoped none of them changed their opinion of him after this. He gave a quick thumbs up, facing the ceiling as he felt Chan’s mouth near his stomach. He sucked in a breath in anticipation, cheeks flushing from all this attention. He was used to people’s eyes on him, but this was so different and intimate. Somehow, his self-conscious part disappeared just as Chan licked a stripe of tequila up Hyunjin’s torso. He squirmed, a giggle escaping at the ticklish feeling, and Chan held him down, hand on his thigh, laughing, “Stop moving! You’ll get it on the table!”
Hyunjin stilled with the threat of ruining their manager’s table, eyes still closed as Chan finished licking the rest up until his chest, and his stomach was in knots. He couldn’t help but imagine this situation differently. Would you have partaken in this with him? How would that have looked like? If it was you doing this to him, instead of Chan? The little party activity would definitely have turned into something else by the end of it…and he knows he definitely would not be able to resist, not when your tongue was on his stomach and you were so close to him. The image sent a rush of blood through his body, thoughts that he should definitely not be indulging in when his best friend was doing body shots off him, and Hyunjin immediately sat up, bumping his head right into Chan’s. “Ouch!” Chan exclaimed, clutching his forehead, “Careful, Jin!”
“Um, sorry” He swallowed, jumping off the counter, embarrassment lingering from how he'd stupidly turned himself on in front of everyone he knew, “I felt sick”
“No worries” Chan laughed, oblivious to his friend's thoughts, patting his shoulder as everybody around them continued cheering them on, “You did good”
Hyunjin walked away, feeling sticky now, and he tried to wipe off the remaining with a kitchen towel. If it was you, he would have let you go all the way, until every stripe of tequila was gone from his body. And then some more.
He buttoned his shirt up again, hands shaking from the buzz, blood rushing to the parts that needed his attention. He needed to hear your voice. You didn’t even know he was at this party. It was so inconvenient to be so far away, trying to convey all that he felt through a mere text or phone call. He stood to the side, shaky fingers pulling up your contact until he heard your voice on the other end. “Guess what?” Hyunjin grinned.
“What?” Your voice was soft on the other end, so calm, grounding him in his drunkenness. A stark contrast to the lively atmosphere of his party and he could think straight again. Hyunjin smiled, “We finished the album. Like, for real. Every track is actually ready. We’re at my manager’s apartment, all of us, and the whole crew. It feels so fucking good”
He felt excited to hear your reaction. He was grinning ear to ear, as you congratulated him. He’d heard that today many times, but hearing it from you was incomparable. You were proud of him. He giggled, stumbling out of the hallway, blood rushing to his head, “Jisung made me drink…far too much. I liked the wine, though; Chan found it in this cool store, but then me and Binnie…we did body shots, and guess what? Chan fucking did body shots too! It was so insane. He also invited the girl from the art gallery, which is so funny. Apparently, she has connections in our industry too. She’s the daughter of —”
“Wait, you did body shots?” You interrupted him.
Hyunjin nodded, walking around, trying to avoid anybody being able to pick up on his conversation. So many people were in this tiny apartment, and he wished he had more peace and quiet to talk to you. “It was insane. Just like Seungmin told us”
“I…can’t hear you, Hyun” You spoke.
“Sorry” He apologised, walking off towards the balcony, “Can you hear me now?”
“Yeah, I can”
“Fuck. I miss you so fucking much” He mumbled, voice dropping, and the rest of this party was fading from his vision, tunnel vision to you and your voice on the other end, “Why aren’t you here?”
Hyunjin thinks the only way he can stop missing you is if you start visiting him in your dreams. He wonders what sorcery he needs to do for that to happen. Could he visit you in your dreams? So you never grow apart, and find each other every single night. “I miss you too….but you should get back to the party—”
Hyunjin failed to notice Changbin creeping up on him, taking the phone away, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that Y/N?”
“Give me the phone back, Changbin!” Hyunjin sighed, all his poetic declarations disappearing into the void. At this point, he thinks he needs to maintain another diary just to write all the things he wishes to say to you but never does.
“Hey!” Changbin was talking to you, “You must be the girl who stole him away from us for months and months. I have every reason to hate you”
“Stop!” Hyunjin exclaimed, realising their managers stood nearby and the commotion had caught their ears, “Don’t announce it to the entire party.” Changbin laughed, “So tell me, on a scale of 1 to 10—”
“Changbin, give me my phone back!” Hyunjin tried to grab it.
“Let me finish!” Changbin laughed. Hyunjin’s head began to ache when he saw Jisung approach their chaos, “Fuck. Is that her?”
“Jisung, can you please ask him to give me my phone back?” He sounded like a broken record, like all his primary functions had ceased and wouldn’t function until he heard your voice again. “Is that Hyunjin’s girlfriend?” Jisung asked, loudly. It was loud enough that their managers heard it, ears perking up and glancing at Hyunjin. One of their managers, Eunwoo raised an eyebrow, tilting his head. This was the first he’d heard of this, and goosebumps rippled up Hyunjin’s neck at what this could mean.
His voice dropped, stepping back towards his meddling friends, “Stop, Jisung. She’s just my friend. How many times do I have to say that, and don’t announce it to the party!”
“Then I can have her?” Changbin interrupted, oblivious to his surroundings. Hyunjin yanked the phone back, and he was pissed, but he wouldn’t blame them. They were only messing about. He let out a breath, “Hey, I’m so sorry. They…took you hostage”
Your voice sounded far away, resigned, “That’s okay. Don’t worry about it. You should enjoy the party, Hyun” Panic built up in his throat at the thought of you leaving, “No, no, I called you because I missed you”
“I can’t really even hear you,” You said, crushing his heart and soul to irreparable pieces. Maybe he was being dramatic, but perhaps he needed you to breathe, “We can just talk tomorrow. Please just have a good time tonight, okay?”
Hyunjin was ready to protest, bear his heart out to keep you a little while longer. What was the point of celebrating his success if he couldn't share it with you right now? Isn't that why he'd pushed himself so hard this time? So he could impress you with all the songs he'd written with only you in mind. He’d leave the party if he had to, just so you wouldn’t go. Before he could declare his insanity of wanting to talk to you, Eunwoo stepped closer to him. His eyes were narrowed, a tell-tale sign, disapproving head tilt. Hyunjin had lost the opportunity, and he said, “All right. I’ll call you later”
With no qualms about destroying the party's vibe, Eunwoo asked curiously, “Who are you talking to?”
“Nobody” Hyunjin panicked, hanging up. He shoved the phone into his pocket, and it burned into him. Eunwoo sighed, “I heard Jisung mention a girlfriend. Is there something you want to share?”
He shook his head, unease settling into him or maybe he was just about to throw the fuck up, “Can we…not talk about this right now? I mean, we’re at a party”
Eunwoo stared at him, as if dissecting all of Hyunjin's deepest, darkest secrets, gaze burning through him. Then he nodded with a smile, “Of course, Hyunjin. You should celebrate”
Hyunjin’s nerves calmed down and he began walking away. Maybe now he could return to enjoying the rest of the night. But of course, Eunwoo stopped him, hand over his shoulder “We’ll talk about it first thing in the morning though. I want to see you seven AM, in my office”
Hyunjin suppressed a groan, bile rising up his throat at what this could possibly mean, “Oh. Okay”
Eunwoo patted his shoulder, before walking back to the party, “Don’t be late, Hwang”
»»————-
He definitely didn’t feel human stepping into the office, a mere three hours later. He hadn’t got any sleep. He had just enough time to head home, shower, and wipe the remnants of tequila off his stomach before heading here. The body shots didn’t sound like a great idea now. His shirt was sticky and ruined. His head hurt, and he was surprised that Eunwoo wasn’t hungover. He’d probably gouged on hangover soup last night, and he sat in a crisp suit-and-tie across the table. He looked up at him, cheery smile, “Morning, Hwang”
Hyunjin sat in the uncomfortable office chair, squinting against the lights that hurt his sensitive eyes, “Good morning…”
“Did you have a good time at the party last night?”
Hyunjin nodded, putting on a smile, “Yes. It was nice”
Eunwoo was their nicest manager, he’s the only reason Hyunjin had been able to go back home and he certainly liked him the most. He was miles better than Kim Soohyun, the guy who basically decided Hyunjin’s life. But now…it seemed like Eunwoo had been sent by his higher-ups to sweet-talk Hyunjin, “You certainly seemed to enjoy it, but sadly, I didn’t see too much of you. We would have liked to get a drink with you”
“Ah, I was with the boys most of the night” He answered. Could this meeting not have been an email? His head was pounding and he couldn’t focus on anything.
Eunwoo tilt his head, picking up on his irritation, “Say it. Whatever’s on your mind”
“No disrespect. I…just don’t understand why we need to talk about this right now”
“Why? Because it’s a Sunday and most people don’t have to go to work today, or because you drank too much last night?” He laughed, leaning back in his chair. There was a stress ball in his hands and Eunwoo kept tossing it back and forth.
Hyunjin bit his lip, “No, I’m fine. I’m just a bit tired”
“Because it may be a day off for everyone in the country, but not for you. I’m sure you’re aware of that. After all, superstars don’t get to where they are by slacking off”
Hyunjin frowned, “I understand. Is there a specific reason you wanted to see me today?”
Eunwoo put down the stress ball in his hands, expression suddenly turning serious, “Look, kid. If I could turn a blind eye to this, I would. Trust me. I hate doing this as much as you hate hearing it, but Kim Soohyun was at the party too. He overheard things. I’m accountable to him, and you’re accountable to me”
Hyunjin sank into his seat, “So…am I in trouble or something?”
Eunwoo clasped his hands, “Depends…did you do something to get you into trouble?”
“No, I didn’t, Eunwoo”
He leaned forward on the desk, hands folded under his chin, “There was quite a lot of talk about a girlfriend last night. You never mentioned that to me”
Hyunjin let out a sigh, “There’s no girlfriend. The boys were dicking around”
Eunwoo gave him a tight-lipped smile, “Then, who were you talking to? On the phone when I saw you? Surely your parents wouldn't be awake that late”
“Just…a friend from back home. They’re not important”
“Look, Hyunjin. I hate to pry. Your personal life is entirely yours but not when it concerns your image or the company, or god forbid, the media. If you are dating somebody, you have to let me know so I can be prepared for when it eventually gets out to the media”
Hyunjin’s head began to hurt exponentially more and maybe he should never have called you last night, “I’m not dating anybody, Eunwoo”
Eunwoo nodded. Clearly, he didn’t believe him. He’d known and managed Hyunjin for years. He'd known him since he was fifteen. He could see right through him and wished he was a better liar. “You’re gonna have to give me more than that”
Hyunjin sighed, sitting up straighter as if that could convince him better, “She’s just an old friend, from back home”
Eunwoo raised an eyebrow, and then leaned back in his chair, “Okay, I’ll believe you. I hope you’ve already passed along the contract to her”
He frowned, “What, the NDA? I’m not dating her, why does she have to sign it?”
“Well yes, you’re not, but clearly you and her are close if you’re drunk calling her from a work party. She could have the wrong idea, if she goes around telling people a different story…that’ll be a problem”
“She is not going to tell anyone”
“You don’t know what girls can be capable of to get fame. An argument with you, if someone bribes her, if she sees any opportunity, she could go to the media—”
“Y/N is not like that” Hyunjin interrupted, a surge of bitterness ripping through at the assumptions.
Eunwoo’s eyebrows shot up, “Y/N…that’s her name”
He wished he could take back that information. It was too late. He released a breath, “Look, you’re not making her sign any contracts. We’re not romantically involved. There are no legal obligations. Am I not even allowed to have fucking friends anymore?”
Eunwoo closed his eyes, “Don’t get angry on me, Hyunjin. You’re not stupid. This is how it’s been for years. The rules won’t change for you. It’s going to be difficult to manage these rumors after you already took half a year off to yourself and with Jisung’s trial and Chan and Kairi’s…whatever the hell they’re doing. You say you’re not dating this girl, I’m going to trust you on that. But if at any point that changes or the girl goes to the news, the company will have to step in. For example, she talks to somebody about her…special friendship with you. Kim Soohyun won’t think twice before suing her for defamation”
Hyunjin saw red, and he clenched his fists as to not react. Defamation? “I get it, Eunwoo”
He nodded, putting a document on the table and sliding it to him, “If anything changes, you have to let me know. I have to be ready to release a statement”
“What, a statement…for what?” Hyunjin stared at the files. An NDA and a press release statement. This was absolutely insane. Nothing had even happened, and they were preparing for the worst case scenario. No, they were waiting for it.
“You’ve been in this industry long enough, Hwang. We must inform the public and fanbase…if you’re in a relationship. If we keep it to ourselves and it gets out anyway, the backlash would be immense. Now, don’t worry. We can always try to keep her identity secret if you’re worried about her safety and with threats and everything, but—”
Hyunjin stood up in panic, blood rushing to his head, “That’s not happening. There’s not gonna be any threats to her…or announcements”
Eunwoo looked up at him, blinking blankly, “Okay… I appreciate the sentiment but that’s not entirely in your hands. The press tour starts today. All eyes are going to be on the four of you. The whole damn country is talking about you, Hyunjin. We can’t afford a scandal. Kim Soohyun has me in a tight grip. I have faith in you that nothing happens to throw that off”
He swallowed, nails digging into his palm from his emotions, “Yeah. It won’t”
Clearly, his plans of bringing you to the city to visit him were down the fucking drain. He’d be lucky if he could even get a phone call with you anymore.
“Also if you’re using the company phone to stay in contact with her, I suggest you change that. It shouldn’t be traced back to us”
Hyunjin nodded, and he wasn’t even dating you but the worst was already happening. This was what he’d feared the whole time. There was no point. There was a bitter taste in his mouth and he asked, “Is that going to be all?”
Eunwoo nodded, “You should take these documents with you, just in case. HR were happy to print them out for me this morning. They also told me you’ve been hanging out in the romance section a lot in the company library”
So he had absolutely no privacy anymore either. Hyunjin snatched the folder, carelessly holding the files in his hand, with no intention of ever using them. He wouldn’t let the press statement or NDA document anywhere near you. In fact, they’d be tossed in the trash as soon as he was home. He headed for the door and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He needed to decompress. He couldn’t show up to practice this pissed and this wound up. He’d explode, and the boys didn’t deserve that.
Eunwoo’s voice stopped him, “Oh, and congratulations, Hyunjin”
Hyunjin turned around, gripping the doorknob in blind fury. It felt like a taunt, a joke. There was nothing to congratulate him for. He couldn’t even keep his friends close without it exploding into a big deal. What did he even have to be grateful for? He looked right at Eunwoo, and his lack of sleep made him more irritable, “For…what?”
Eunwoo smiled warmly, his entire demeanour changing, “The album pre-sales are the biggest we’ve ever seen. You’re a global superstar now. You should feel very, very lucky, kid"
»»————-
“Can you stand still for me, please?” The assistant responsible for touching up Hyunjin’s face asked. He nodded, letting her put rosy tint on his cheeks, blending it with the contour. He’d been here for what easily felt like hours, and through the mirror he could see that Changbin was just about done with his makeup.
The week leading up to the release was always the hardest. Somebody tugged at his hair and he resisted the urge to grimace. They didn’t deserve his terrible mood; they were only doing their job. The hairstylist apologised, noticing Hyunjin’s sour expression, “Sorry. Eunwoo said we need to get started on your hair right now; the other boys are already ready.” Hyunjin nodded, letting himself be manhandled by three different women as they struggled to put his hair into braids, “Have you been using the product we gave you?”
“Hmm?”
“Your hair’s thinning out, especially the bleached roots” The lady mumbled, disappointed.
“Yeah, I have” Truthfully he’d forgotten, a grave mistake for someone in his industry, but he’d been too caught up in everything else. His stomach rumbled and he hadn’t had time to grab breakfast this morning, so he looked around until he spotted one of their assistants, “Rowoon, could you please get me some honey butter chips—”
“Stay still, please” The makeup assistant repeated. Hyunjin straightened up, speaking through his teeth, “…or ramyeon?”
Rowoon looked at him through the mirror, eyebrows shooting up, “Um. Are you sure? You have a pre-recording tomorrow”
“I…haven’t eaten since last night” Hyunjin replied.
“Last time you ate it…your face got pretty swollen, and you were pretty beat up about not looking great in the music show” Rowoon said, grimly smiling.
Hyunjin nodded, gut hurting at that memory of his swollen face, “Right. Never mind. Forget it. Thank you”
“How long are we filming for today?” Jisung asked, adjusting his headset in the back. Rowoon looked between them, “Well, you guys are booked until 4 PM”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows shot up, and he glanced at his phone. 6:43 am. Fuck.
Changbin walked by, patting Hyunjin on the shoulder, slipping toffees into his palm, “That’ll fill you up before the interviews”. The candy looked less than appetising, but it was his only option, and he reached to eat some, just as the lady stopped him to apply lip tint to his mouth. Today was going to be a long fucking day.
They were almost done with his hair, braiding it at the top of his head, secured with glitter barrettes. It was an elaborate hairstyle, and he feared he’d ruin it if he moved. It was like walking on eggshells, like his slightest touch would crumble things. Well, everything already seemed to be crumbling. Hyunjin hadn’t been in the best of moods since his talk with Eunwoo, and the possibilities of how everything could go wrong loomed over him. The worst he’d feared for was already happening, things set in motion and no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop it from worsening. The company knew your name. They knew of your existence. They’d already restricted him. There’s no way in hell Hyunjin would be able to bring you to Seoul, much less meet you in this city without a hundred documents or cameras being thrown at you. Slowly, all his happiness that had been built up carefully and precisely, was turning into bitterness.
“Have you seen Chan?” Rowoon asked, in the reflection of the vanity mirror. Hyunjin shook his head. He’d been sitting on this chair for forty five minutes straight. How the hell would he know where Chan was? The hunger and frustration was getting to him, and he shook his head, calming himself down.
“May I go now?” He looked up at the hair assistant.
She nodded, “Just no quick movements. The hairspray is still settling in”
Now that he could properly look at himself, it looked good. Having longer hair always set him at the mercy of experimentation for new styles, and often crazy accessories. He smiled at them, pushing the chair back to stand, “Of course. Thank you so much for your hard work. It’s beautiful”
In other circumstances, he’d snap a picture and send you, but…he’d been on eggshells with you too. Inadvertently, the conversation with Eunwoo had created distance. Hyunjin hated that because none of this was your fault. You shouldn’t be subject to this silence from him, but he was constantly looking over his shoulder, paranoid that he’d be caught and it was getting tiring. His carelessness at the party had led to this. He wanted to fully blame himself for not having any self-control when he drunk called you. Yet, a part of him knew that even without the doomed phone call, somehow everybody would have found out anyway. It was only a matter of time. Things never stayed stable for too long in his life.
He walked into the hallway, hoping to find an empty room. There were usually a few reserved for stage props. He could have a few moments to himself, just to talk to you. That could calm him down, and he could apologise for his distance. He didn’t know how he’d begin to explain what was happening to you. To anybody else, it’d seem like he was pushing you away and he hoped you understood that it was never his intention.
A door was ajar, sliver of light leaking out into the hallway. He stopped in his tracks, familiar voices inside. He didn’t meant to eavesdrop, but they were so loud, “What do you want me to say? I’m doing absolutely everything I can! Jisung’s trial is already—”
“Don’t bring Jisung into this…” Kairi’s exasperated voice interrupted, “What’s going on with him is different. You always do this, Chris! Why are you making this your problem?”
“I’m sorry? They’re my bandmates. They’re my friends. Of course I’m going to take their burden!”
“Jisung is an adult, he’s perfectly capable of—“
“I made a promise to all of them, Kairi. I’m not jumping ship when they need me the most” Chan sounded so frustrated.
She groaned, “I’m not asking you to jump ship. But Chris you haven’t slept in three fucking days! You’re…barely eating. This is not living”
Hyunjin didn’t know that, and his blood ran cold at the information as Chan replied, “This isn’t your problem Kairi. It’s…my problem to deal with. I have to make sacrifices—”
“I had to quit my job because of you, Chris!” She trailed off, Hyunjin’s eyes widened, and he flinched at the aggressive tone. He wasn’t new to their arguments, especially over the last month, but none were like this. This felt like the culmination of something that had been building for months, even years. Kairi was always so sweet, and her volume returned to normal, “I mean…I had to quit because of us. I made sacrifices too. So yes, it is my problem”
Chan’s voice dropped, “Well, I don’t want you to make sacrifices for me”
“That’s what people do when they love each other. I’m sorry but that’s just a reality you’re going to have to accept Chris”
“Do we…have to talk about this now? The interviews start soon, and I can’t focus on them—”
“I’m so worried about you, Channie. I don’t know how you’re going to make it through the morning”
Chan groaned, “I don’t know either, but I have to do it for the boys. I can’t…let them down”
Hyunjin’s chest ached now, a different kind of pain settling in. Why were they all making sacrifices for each other? They were only in their twenties, pushing for their dreams; this instability shouldn’t be normal.
Kairi sighed, “See, that’s exactly the problem. Why do you always take the blame for everything? Even when Hyunjin was gone, you made it your mission to do damage control for him. Not everything has to be your burden”
At the mention of his name, he really should walk away and learn to mind his own business, but he couldn’t help but overhear, feet rooted to the floor as Chan’s voice softened with a new desperation and frustration, “They mean everything to me. You know that”
“They do to me too, Chris. I know this is a horrible time”
“Hyunjin?” He heard Jisung’s voice call for him in the hallway. He needed to head back. An entire press and interview team was waiting for them, only a few rooms over and if he listened any further, he’d be in no state of mind to answer questions. But of course as he stepped away, he picked up on the last bit of conversation, “Did you know HR gave Hyunjin the papers?” Chan laughed bitterly, “They’re already prepared for the worst”
Kairi sighed, and he could hear her footsteps as she moved closer to Chan. Only dread filled his stomach as he heard the next sentence out of her mouth, “That’s their job. You have to not make it your problem this time, Chan, I’m…so worried about your health. And that’s Hyunjin’s responsibility. He knew what he was getting into when he started seeing her. It was bound to happen. It always does.”
Hyunjin didn’t stick around to hear Chan’s response.
He had heard enough.
»»————-
“Hyun, can I come see you?”
The question was expected, but Hyunjin was shocked when you said it anyway. He froze, choking at his words. A few days ago, he would have been overjoyed at this. After all, he’d already bought the tickets and made all the arrangements for you to come see him, but…things had changed. It was too risky. He didn’t have the heart to tell you about his conversation with Eunwoo. What was the point after all? Hyunjin let out an awkward fucking chuckle, “W-what?”
“Um, sorry that sounds out of nowhere. I just…I really want to meet you. I miss you, and it sounds like you’re going through a lot. Maybe it’ll help.” Your voice was far away, drenched in longing.
It wasn’t out of nowhere, it was only what Hyunjin had been planning since forever. But nothing went to his fucking plans, “I…I’m not sure, Y/N”
Your voice deflated, disappointed, “Yeah?”
His heart broke, but it had become increasingly clear that it would be the dumbest idea ever to have you come visit. If anybody saw them…if anything got out…he wasn’t prepared to deal with that, “Yeah. Fuck, I’m so sorry but I…I don’t think I can meet you. Right now, with everything that’s going on, I honestly don’t have the time and…”
“Yeah. I understand” Of course you understood, no matter how shitty Hyunjin kept behaving. For once, he wished you’d actually yell at him.
“I’m sorry” He swallowed, and he could feel the life being sucked out of him.
Your response was sweet as usual, “It’s okay. It’s bad timing”
“It’s bad timing” He repeated, and Hyunjin suddenly had a horrible feeling that maybe this was the last straw. Things had slipped out of his control. Soon, eventually, you would too.
»»————-
The seasons were changing, but flowers bloomed all year long in Seoul, and so Hyunjin had prepared early. He’d bought the Camellia seeds so he could grow winter flowers on his own, and see their life unfold before his eyes. Even if everything else seemed to be falling apart, at least he could try to be consistent and paint his feelings away. The yellow falling leaves and orange tree cover taken over the city inspired his many paintings. Usually, you’d send him pictures of every little detail from back home, especially of changing landscapes and beautiful natural sights of town, but you hadn't shared anything the past week. He wondered what autumn would look like in Daejon. Now that his conversations with you were thinning out, he had an irrational fear that he’d never find out.
“Everything okay?”
“Sorry?” Hyunjin snapped out of it, and Changbin looked at him, concerned. “You’re in your head again. Is something bothering you?”
Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, and sighed, “No, I’m good”
Changbin clearly wasn’t convinced, because his expression softened, and he reached a hand out, “Hey, why don’t you go wait in the car? I’ll bring the Americano out to you”
But he was so past being taken care of or worried about. So Hyunjin shook his head. The idea of waiting in the car sounded absolutely horrible right now. He needed fresh air, and he was perfectly capable of getting his own cup of coffee.
“No, I got this. Why don’t you let me get this for us?” Hyunjin asked, pushing his hands deeper into his jacket pockets. It was getting colder by the day, and even in this temperature-controlled cafe, he was cold to the bone. Changbin grinned, shooting him a cheesy wink, “Well, I’ll never say no to being treated by you”
A smile tugged at Hyunjin’s lips. Changbin could find the brevity in each situation. Hyunjin walked up to the cashier, placing an order for their usual. “Could I have two coffees, black, please?” He asked. The cashier, a girl probably in her 20s, smiled wide at Hyunjin, “Is that all?”
He glanced at the pastry counter, and everything looked so appetising. Yet he was on a diet and couldn’t afford to do this. Everybody would be so disappointed in him, “No, that’s all”
“Sorry, but do…I know you?” She asked, punching in his order. Hyunjin’s brows shot up, and he thought he’d concealed his identity enough with the hat, but clearly the rest of his expensive outfit was a dead give-away that was he was some big shot. They had another schedule after this, so they were dressed up and he was draped head-to-toe in luxury items, “Um. I just have one of those faces, I guess”
The girl didn’t look convinced, “Right…I’ll have your coffee out in a few minutes”
He stepped aside, joining his friend to the side. Changbin had a huge grin on his face still and Hyunjin was thankful to have his positivity surround him, “That chick was totally flirting with you”
“What?” Hyunjin shook his head, pushing the receipt in his coat pocket, “She barely said two words. You think everyone’s flirting with me”
“Well, why are her and all her friends giggling and looking at you?” Changbin rolled his eyes. Hyunijn looked back, and sure enough, the cashier and her coworkers were looking at him. Maybe they shouldn’t have come in here today. It was too close to the comeback. He shook that thought from his head. He was desperate for coffee.
“Excuse me, sir? Your coffee is ready” The girl said, and Hyunjin stepped back up. She was smiling, flushing red under her uniform cap, and as she handed them the cups he noticed a piece of paper stuck to it. Changbin glanced at it, eyes widening as they stepped away, “Is that her number?”
“I don’t know” Hyunjin mumbled, unfurling the paper. This definitely was the most romantic way he’d been asked out. It was her Instagram handle, and a note was stuck to it, Hope you liked the coffee, handsome. Maybe we could get a stronger drink later tonight?
“Wow” Hyunjin’s brows shot up, and he pushed the note into his pocket too. It’d be thrown away later, “That’s…certainly a bold move”
“Please tell me you’re going on that date”
Hyunjin shook his head, amused at how light-hearted dates and budding love could be for Changbin, “I…have plans”
“What plans? You’re a recluse”
“I was going to talk to Y/N tonight—” He trailed off, eyes landing on someone familiar in the crowd. Hyunjin’s breath hitched.
It was a while since he’d seen her. Years, at this point.
She was sat at a far table, laughing over a cup of coffee and croissants. She seemed better than she had in years. Happier than she’d ever been around Hyunjin. Right now, she was glowing. The cause of her happiness seemed to be a boy sitting across her. A guy dressed in flannel and suit pants, chunky glasses on his face. Hyunjin couldn’t look away as the boy leaned forward, kissing her cheek quickly. She smiled, and then the cashier called out, “Coffee for Yujin”
She kissed the boy before standing up. She walked towards them, and Hyunjin was still standing stupidly at the counter. She noticed him, eyes widening, coming to a stop. Almost instantly, the life drained from her face.
A stark difference from a moment ago, when she was so happy. Hyunjin didn’t know what to do; he raised a hand; a small, non-threatening wave. Things between them had ended in peace, after all. Yujin’s face traversed many expressions before she settled on a calm look, “Hyunjin. Wow…hi. This…is such a surprise. Hello…Changbin”
Hyunjin nodded, hoping this interaction wasn’t being watched, “It’s…been a while, Yujin”
She was still beautiful, smiling to diffuse the tension, “I didn’t expect to see you around here”
Hyunjin nodded, hands squeezing his coffee cup, “Yeah. I…don’t come here too often”
She nodded, familiarity returning to her gaze, “Ah. Too easy to get recognised?”
Hyunjin nodded along, even though that wasn’t the reason. He hated how his life seemed to revolve around his fame, and not his choices, like maybe he didn’t come here because he just liked another coffee shop more. Changbin took over, noticing the awkward shift in Hyunjin, “Um, so how have you been, Yujin? You look good!”
She smiled at him, “I’m great. I’m actually doing really well… I, uh, moved out of the city, closer to the outskirts”
“Really?” Hyunjin asked. He wondered why she would make such a decision. She’d trained with him for years, until she’d suddenly dropped out of the idol industry, but back when Hyunjin knew her and dated her, they had the same ambitions. The same thirst to be recognized, to be respected, and known for their talent. That’s why they had got along so well.
“Hmm, the city got too much for me sometimes. Anyway after I met Haru, it just seemed like the right choice to make”
“Haru. Is that…your boyfriend?” Hyunjin asked, noticing the boy back at the table.
“Well…” She giggled, lifting her hand up to show them the glittering, gorgeous ring, “Fiancé, actually”
Changbin’s eyes widened, “You’re engaged?”
She nodded, a dimple in her cheek, “Haru asked me a few months ago”
Hyunjin forced himself to smile, but there was a deep pit in his stomach, recalling the conversations they used to have back in their days as trainees. They were never that serious to talk about weddings, or marriage. They both knew it was only an attraction between them and would stay that way, but he remembered a specific conversation where Yujin had said that the only disadvantage of becoming famous was the love life they’d be giving up. He was happy for her now. She hadn’t had to give it up after all, “Congratulations, Yujin. That’s…really good”
“Never too early to settle down, am I right?” She laughed, “What about you, Jinnie? How have you been?”
“I’m…good too. So…what are you doing these days?” He redirected the conversation back, curiosity brimming at him. What did someone do once they’d left the idol life? They were free to do absolutely anything, the choices were limitless. He’d never known a life without rules. He’d been training since he was fourteen, after all. She shrugged, “I’m doing a bit of everything. I volunteered at an organisation for a while, I tested my hand at photography, modelling even, but then I realised I really don’t want to be around cameras of any kind” She laughed, “I teach now, though”
“That sounds really nice, Yujin. I’m glad you get to do something you love”
“Well, you too! You’re absolutely thriving, Hyunjin. I see you every day with all your brand deals and advertisements. Does it ever get tiring being pretty all the time?”
Hyunjin smiled, “It’s…part of my job”
“Well, you deserve it. I remember how focused you used to be. You were my motivation, you know? It should have been obvious that life wasn’t for me. I hated everything. My favourite part of the academy used to be seeing you” At those words, the boy, Haru joined her, slipping an arm around her waist, “Everything all right, baby?”
She glanced at him, “Shit, I totally forgot to get the coffee. Just ran into some old friends”
Haru laughed, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it for us, babe.” He kissed her again, with no hesitance of being seen by so many people, and went to pick up the drinks. Changbin conversed with Haru, as Yujin asked Hyunjin, “I read that you went on a break for a couple of months. That must have been…wow, relieving?”
He swallowed, “Yeah, it was really good, but…I’m back to work now”
“That must’ve been nice. I don’t know how you do it, Hyunnie. I remember when we training together, you wouldn’t leave the practice room for days. Still the same?”
Hyunjin nodded. Yujin had changed so much from when he’d last met her. Had he changed at all?
Haru smiled at him, “Thank you for taking good care of her then. She tells me about those days a lot. It must have been thrilling to keep it a secret from everyone”
Hyunjin shook his head, smiling politely at him, “It was terrifying actually”
They laughed. Haru pulled Yujin into his side again as she said, “Well…this was unexpected, but if your schedule permits, you and the boys are always welcome to the engagement party. It’s the end of December”
Changbin sighed dramatically, “Unfortunately, we’re working the whole month”. Yujin frowned, “That’s terrible….I would suggest catching up after that but…me and Haru are going to be gone for three months”
“Oh, where are you going?” Changbin asked.
“Backpacking through Europe” She responded chirpily, “Haru’s really into art and sculptures, so we have this silly idea to visit every museum in Paris”
“That sounds really good” Hyunjin smiled, but he was drowning so deep in his thoughts he could barely focus. What a nice life. It was strange, the last time he saw her, she was in the same boat as him. Training to be an idol, like him. But their paths had diverged, and envy settled in him. He was so lucky to have his life, but he wished he could just take off like that too on vacation, no questions asked. Changbin’s phone buzzed and he apologised, ”Um sorry to stop this, but we gotta go. Eunwoo’s calling us back in to work”
Hyunjin nodded, “Oh, of course. It was great to meet you Yujin, and you too, Haru. Congratulations again, on the engagement. I hope you have a good time in Europe. I’m really happy for you”
Suddenly the expensive bracelets he was wearing felt like shackles around Hyunjin’s wrists.
»»————-
A fire burned within him, a quiet inferno consuming his peace. He couldn’t stop thinking about Yujin and what her life was like now. She’d rebuilt it to something so special. She would never have that peace of life if she’d stayed in her company or with Hyunjin. He sat at the company table, signing albums, and it was a monotonous task so his thoughts kept drifting.
“Jinnie. Your phone” Jisung mumbled, poking him with a pen. Hyunjin lift his head to see it buzzing across the table. You were calling. He took a breath, walking out to talk to you. You were the only thing that could make this horrible fucking day better. He hoped you weren’t still upset at him rejecting your offer to come to the city. Hopefully, you’d understand. Everything was too treacherous. Hyunjin…was too treacherous for you right now. Still, he listened to you about your day, and how you’d apparently made up with Yongbok. He smiled, lowering his voice as employees passed him in the corridor, “What did you guys do?”
As you told him everything he wished he was doing with you instead, Hyunjin faded into thought again until you said, “Um…and something else happened. When we were talking, Yongbok said something…He told me he loves me. That he has his entire life”
He wished he was more surprised.
A cynical stupid part of him was happy at this. So Yongbok finally told you. Bitterness settled into his veins, scorching him from the inside out, and Hyunjin found himself thinking that maybe with Yongbok, you could finally have the life he couldn’t give you.
When he got home that night, he realised the hydrangeas in his room had withered away completely.
»»————-
He woke to fresh flowers on his desk. Baby blue, lilac, pink and white. All shapes and colors. The scent is what woke him up. It starkly contrasted to the dying hydrangeas that he still hadn’t thrown away. He’d been meaning to draw them in that state. A cruel render of their destruction.
The comeback was in a few days. Their album would finally be out to the public. There was so much to do today, and he lay in bed just a little longer to enjoy the temporary peace. A press conference was underway soon, and he would have to put on his best self. It was going to be live-streamed and there were no doubts that he’d be asked about the hiatus. He worried if the music would be well received, if it would surpass everyone’s expectations. Hyunjin finally crawled out of bed and read the little notes attached to the bouquets. Congratulations on your 4th successful studio album. Never forget how lucky and blessed you are~!
He walked into his kitchen, sweatpants hanging low, sleep clouding him, to see even more flowers on the island. “Who sent these?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.
Jisung looked sorrowful though, ignoring the bouquets entirely.
“What’s wrong?” Hyunjin asked, the worst scenarios playing in his head.
He swallowed, “They broke up”
His stomach was a pit at the news, “When?”
“Late last night. Chan…still hasn’t come home yet. We have no idea where he is”
“What? How do you know they broke up?”
“Kairi texted Binnie. She was worried. We can’t find him anywhere…”
“I’m going to call him" Hyunjin said, rushing to his room.
“We already tried that, Jinnie” Changbin spoke, “We’ve been trying since an hour”
“Maybe he’ll pick up my call” Hyunjin hoped, as the ringer rang in his ear. After eight rings, Chan did pick up. “Hello, Chan?” Hyunjin asked, voice soft. Jisung and Changbin moved closer, eyes wide as they observed him. Chan sounded low on the other end, “Jinnie…? Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I’m okay. Where are you, Channie? Are you all right?”
“I’m…fine. Don’t worry. I’ll be back in time for the conference”
“No, can I please come get you? Let me” Hyunjin pleaded. There was a pause, and a sigh and then Chan said, “I’m at the old dorm”
“I’ll be right there” Hyunjin hung up.
“No, we’re coming with” Jisung said, stepping ahead.
“Guys. Let me…just do this on my own. Eunwoo would kill us if none of us are here. Me and Chan will make it to the press conference, I promise”
Hyunjin couldn’t drive fast enough. For a second, he worried he would forget the way to their old house but it was embedded into him. It’s where they’d had their whole beginning, and Hyunjin got there in record time. Kairi meant everything to Chan, and he couldn’t imagine what he’d be feeling right now. Chan was always there for him, and he felt personally responsible to make sure he was all right. The old dorm building looked run-down; it had been falling apart for years, even when the boys lived there, and he chose the stairs over the rusty old elevator. On the fourth floor, there was an alcove. It was hidden behind a door that was sometimes locked, but he pushed it open. Chan was sitting inside, on the window seat, a soft smile on his face when he saw Hyunjin approach.
“Just you?” He tilt his head, seeing nobody else follow, “I thought the cavalry would show up”
Hyunjin shot him a soft smile, leaning against the door, “Just me….can I join you?”
Chan pat the empty seat next to him, and Hyunjin sat down. This is where Chan was always found, back when they still lived here. It’s where he came to think. To write their greatest hits. To ponder about life’s biggest mysteries. It was always his place, and Hyunjin could see why he loved it so much. It was hidden, like a secret room. Ignoring the cobweb in the corner, it was cosy. A faded old painting hung on the wall, rickety floorboards that probably hid treasures inside, a window that looked out onto an alley. The alley was something special in itself. It was between two apartment buildings, and a little bakery was carved into the side of the building. The few times Hyunjin sat here with Chan, he’d seen bakers arrive at three in the morning, loading powdered sugar and other ingredients in, creating storms and clouds of sugar. It was always a beautiful sight.
“What happened, Chan?” Hyunjin ended up asking, cutting to the chase. They both knew why he was here. Chan swallowed, looking wistful, “I’m fine, if that’s what you’re wondering. I’m going to be okay. I just needed…a day to let the sadness out”
“You can take more than that”
“Not really. I can’t afford to, not this week. I gotta put on my best self”
“We’ll understand if you don’t.” Hyunjin frowned, admirable of Chan’s resolve, “If you want to talk about it, I’m here” Chan glanced at him, a smile on his face, “I know you are, Jinnie. You’re actually the best, and the worst person to talk to this about”
“Why the worst?” Hyunjin frowned.
Chan laughed, “You don’t want to hear the good part first?”
“No…”
“The worst because…I know what you felt about me and Kairi… I feel responsible for how you see the world, crazy as that sounds. I know you had to hear our arguments the past few weeks, I’m sorry about that. I feel like I took away all your hope.”
Hyunjin swallowed, “It’s not your fault. I’ve had minimal hope to begin with”
Chan laughed, loudly, “God, Jinnie, that’s really fucked up, you know? It shouldn’t be this way. We should be out there, showing our girls the best time”
“You shouldn’t apologize to me for your break up, Chan,” Hyunjin emphasized.
“Wow. Breakup. That sounds insane to say” He breathed in a sigh, as it was finally settling in, “To think I was going to ask her to marry me in a few months”
Hyunjin felt emotional. He’d known and adored their relationship for the longest time, “I’m so sorry, Chan. I don’t know what to say, I wish I could…make this better”
“You don’t have to. I’m…happy you’re here. Kim Soohyun asked to see my phone last night. I don’t know why, but I deleted every conversation with Kairi. I suppose I panicked. I shouldn’t have done that, because now all my best memories with her are just that…memories”
Hyunjin swallowed, and maybe all the reading poetry had rotted his brain. His heart was starting to shrivel, just like the Hydrangeas that were out of bloom. Once he got home, maybe it was the right move to erase his chat history with you too. A small way of shielding himself from the damage that could follow. His memories with you would be lost, but his carelessness would only hurt the boys more.
Chan reminded him far too much of you, the way he held onto memories, objects, and tangible things with an iron grip. He recalled how sad you’d felt erasing the little star you’d drawn from Hyunjin’s face. It had meant so much to you. Maybe he was becoming more like you every day too, which is why the dying flowers still rested on Hyunjin’s desk when he should have thrown them out weeks ago. He ended up saying something that only halfway made sense, “I want to say that…the things we’re meant for will always come back to us, but… I stray further from that thought every day, so I would be lying if I tried to convince you of that”
Chan smiled sadly, and he held something within his hands, “You’re the most romantic person I know, even without trying to be”
Hyunjin laughed, bitterly, “I think it’s safe to say I’m doomed”
Chan turned to him, “Don’t say that, Jinnie”
Hyunjin shook his head, facing him, “I came here for you, not to talk about me…you know you have me, always, right?”
“I know” Chan leaned in, wrapping his arm around Hyunjin. It was an awkward half-hug but Hyunjin relaxed into the embrace, whispering, “I’m so sorry it didn’t work out with Kairi”
Chan pulled away, a sincere smile on his face, “Thank you. We should probably get going if we want to make it in time for the conference”
“You’re right” Hyunjin nodded, but they made no attempt to move, trying to lengthen this short-lived peace.
“Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it.” Chan muttered, and it’s only then that Hyunjin realised what he held in his palm. A diamond ring. The one he was going to propose to Kairi with.
“What?”
“What our lives are like. Do you never question that?” Chan asked. Hyunjin had never heard him talk like this, and he couldn’t comprehend this. Chan had built them up from the ground up, worked his ass off to get them to where they are. In fact, he couldn’t bear to see this side of him. He shouldn’t be questioning all his hard work, or that all would have been for nothing. Out of all people in the world, Chan couldn't be the one to lose hope. He was their rock.
He felt for Chan. So much. Yet, this train of thought was so dangerous. What would happen to them if they all started hating their job? They had never been forced into this career, they’d made their choices of their own volition, even if it was done as a teenager who didn’t know what he’d be giving up, but they’d gained so much too. The lifestyle Hyunjin led…people would kill for. 14-year-old him would kill for this. And he’d be so proud of him for it too. So, why was he questioning everything now?
“No, I don’t” Hyunjin said. It was a lie, but he would sell it to Chan, for his sake, “We’re doing something impossible for most people to even imagine in the world. The impact that you have on people is…unreal. Millions of people love you, and you inspire them. You inspire me to work harder everyday. So, I don’t question if it’s worth it, and you shouldn’t either, Chan”
Something in Chan’s eyes changed, as if he had never expected him to say this. Hyunjin, the romantic, would never have said that. Love felt like the core of his life. He was hungry for it, but there was more than one kind of love.
So later that week, when Hyunjin stared at his phone in his hands, it was filled up with memories of you. Every phone call, each picture you’d sent him, each sweet thought he’d scribbled in his notes but never had the chance to send you. The press tour had already begun, and the boys were knee-depth in stress, and Hyunjin could never let himself add to that. Kairi had talked about sacrifices, and he finally understood it. Maybe it was cowardly to never explain to you what was happening, but it was easier. He didn’t have the heart to delete the past few months, so he took Eunwoo’s advice and changed his number instead.
Sorrow settled in his chest as Hyunjin realised that he would go to the ends of the earth for you, but perhaps that wasn’t still enough. He wasn’t willing to give this life up, and this was a sacrifice he was going to have to make.
»»————- Present Day.
You only had the moonlight to guide you tonight.
There were hardly any streetlights this far out. It was pitch black, and the glow of the moon fell upon Hyunjin’s face, tracing each contour perfectly. You were trying real hard to not look at him. He was drumming his fingertips against the steering wheel and it was annoying. It kept grabbing your attention, and you’d glance at him only to remember you couldn’t do that anymore. You couldn’t spend time marveling at his little mannerisms because…things had changed.
All you could do was listen to the conversations of the backseat. Chan was mumbling something to Kairi, and their voices had dropped in volume since you’d pulled out of the parking lot. Each syllable was spoken in a whisper, like it was a secret between them, and you felt like you were eavesdropping. Still, there was not much else to focus to. You definitely were not going to focus on the boy sitting next to you.
“I know that it could’ve been better…but I hope that you still had a good time today” Chan said softly, and through the rearview mirror, you saw that they’d laced their hands together. Kairi was leaning into him, fingers interlocked, and you looked down at your hands. The empty spaces between your fingers bothered you.
“I did, Chris” Her eyes were closed, but she smiled, “Honestly, it was a pretty special birthday”
You averted your gaze, giving them privacy. Hyunjin kept glancing in the mirror briefly before looking back to the road. There was a small smile on his lips. He used to talk about them so much. He must be happy with this outcome. You didn’t know the details of what had gone wrong with their relationship, you’d never pried, but it must have been hard getting back together after all that heartbreak and pain.
“I’m…really fucking tired. I might pass out any second” Kairi announced, followed by a yawn.
“Don’t worry. Hyunjin is a smooth driver” Chan reassured, “Isn’t he?”
Hyunjin nodded, eyes flickering to Chan’s, “Of course. And um, Kairi, if you’re cold, I have an extra jacket in the backseat”
There was rummaging and then Kairi gasped, having found the jacket, “This is so stylish. I missed your clothes, Jinnie”
“Hey, hey. What are you trying to imply?” Chan complained. Kairi giggled, and Hyunjin laughed, “Your girlfriend is a fan of color, Chan. That’s not my fault”
“How predictable of you” Chan mumbled, and you could see him rolling his eyes. You drifted out of their conversation, looking out the window at the passing landscape. Trees drifted by in a blur and there was hardly any civilisation out here. Miles and miles of nothing.
“Don’t you agree?” Kairi laughed, hand landing on your shoulder, and she was talking to you.
“Sorry?” You asked, “Agree with what?”
“Fuck. Did I wake you?” She apologised, “I didn’t realise you fell asleep”
“No, no, I’m up. I was just distracted….” You replied, clearing your throat. This conversation warranted another glance from Hyunjin, as if he was checking to see what you were distracted by. You returned his gaze with indifference, raising your eyebrows. He immediately looked away, back to the road.
“Well, I was telling Chris that your friends, Minnie and Jamie are one of the cutest couples I’ve ever met. I mean, I hardly see relationships that strong here; people are usually just serial daters” Kairi explained.
“Oh. Right” You nodded, thankful to have the context, “They’re…really cute, yeah”
“A serial dater?” Chan asked.
“Yeah. Dating apps will do that to you, especially in midtown. Take my advice now, never get on one, you’ll be fighting in the trenches” Kairi laughed. The trees were whizzing past so fast it made you dizzy, you mumbled, “It’s funny. Dating apps could never work back home”
“Cause you know everyone? Is that really true?” She asked. You nodded, “I mean, yeah. You go to school with the people technically in your dating age range, and there are only five restaurants and hang-out spots, so you’re always bumping into each other. It’s impossible to not know everyone”
“Was that ever weird?” Kairi asked, “Like seeing your ex at dinner or something?”
A small laugh escaped you, “It actually sucked. You couldn’t escape them”
“Did you ever run into her exes?” Chan asked, and it took you a second to realise the question was directed at Hyunjin. It took him a few seconds and he sat up straighter, mumbling quietly, “No.”
You blinked at his nonchalance, trying not to let this phase you. This could be a normal car ride if you just let it. Suddenly your gut was hurting with anxiety and you looked out the window again, away from him.
“Well, thankfully, I’ve never had to deal with that,” Chan spoke, “Eunwoo would have a heart attack if one of us was found on those apps. Although there’s quite a few fake profiles out there with Hyunjin’s face on them”
“Eunwoo?” You asked, ignoring the second part of his statement. It sent jealousy surging through you. Why did you feel jealous by even the thought of Hyunjin being on a dating app? You needed to get a grip on your emotions.
“Ah. Hyunjin didn’t tell you?” Chan asked, so casually, “Eunwoo’s…our manager, of sorts”
Without thinking, you spoke, “I thought your manager was the lady in the shop”
“What shop?” Chan frowned, confused, “Wait, hold up. You’ve met one of our managers, Y/N? Where was that?” You stayed silent, for only a second, wondering if Hyunjin would answer this question. After all, he knew the manager and they were in the shop for a reason. The one where he had ignored you completely, as if you didn’t exist. You were only there by accident, after losing your way trying to find the Atelier. To your relief, Hyunjin did speak, “Yeah. That was Mrs. Giwon…she was accompanying me on one of the snack runs”
“Ah” Kairi exclaimed, “She’s…the worst one”
“Hey” Chan spoke, “She’s really helpful sometimes”
“Anyway…moving on” Kairi rolled her eyes, “She kind of traumatised me after she busted us”
“Busted you?” You turned, intrigued. Kairi laughed, “She walked in on me and Chan making out in the studio! God, that day was hell. She like…actually yelled at me for not maintaining a professional attitude in their building”
“And that, of course…led to the no-girlfriend in the studio rule,” Chan mumbled, and through the rearview, you saw him roll his eyes. That seemed like an insane rule to have, especially for adults. You stole a glance at Hyunjin to catch his reaction. He looked straight ahead, as if he couldn’t even hear this conversation, laser-focused on driving the empty streets. Kairi laughed loudly, “Changbin was the most pissed about that!”
“He has a girlfriend?”
“No. That man’s a serial dater, through and through. He’s too busy producing insane music to have a full relationship anyway. He goes through NDA’s faster than you can say hookup, but honestly…he enjoys himself so much. He’s…very popular with all the girls”
You wanted to ask so much more about that. NDAs…? So that was a truth and not a rumor. Hyunjin had never mentioned those to you. At the paint and wine event, Sakura and Yeosang had asked him about it, and he’d been cautious about answering. But it was true. All of it felt so silly. Their words came back to you. Imagine sleeping with someone and then signing a contract instead of some aftercare.
If you and Hyunjin had hooked up back in Daejon, would he have also made you sign an NDA? But he fingered you. He let you touch him. He let you cut his hair and give him a handjob in his little bathroom. Did that not ask for an NDA? Or did he just trust you enough? All the possibilities floated through your head, and stupidly, like a stupid girl, you blurted, “So what all does that NDA cover? Is it just sex or…is it like, making out and other things too? And it's legally required?”
At your question, Hyunjin’s grip on the wheel tightened. His shoulders tensed up.
You’d struck a nerve.
Good.
It was satisfying to know you had some sort of impact on him. Till now, he was just pretending you didn’t exist.
Kairi paused, pondering over it, “Um…pretty much just sex, but like…I didn’t have to sign an NDA every single time. It’s only if it’s with a new person"
“Right”
Chan laughed, “I know. It sounds crazy. Especially in the 21st century, but with the internet and everything, you can never be too careful what people will say in a public forum. Hyunjin, didn’t you hate them too when we started out?”
Hyunjin cleared his throat, “Yeah. It’s stupid”
So he would sign them too? How often did he sleep with a new girl? You didn’t want to think about this any longer. There was no point wondering about his past when you wouldn’t be in his future. Your phone buzzed against the console and you grabbed it, positioning it on the seat between your legs so you could read it. It was a text from Felix.
hey. i was just talking with minho and man, i miss you
I know you’ve likely forgotten all about me but call me later please…I think ill die here without you
A smile pulled at your cheeks, and you typed in a quick reply.
im getting back from a party lixie. It was kairi’s birthday. i miss you guys too :(
“Who are you texting at this hour?” Kairi piped up, leaning ahead, “Nate?”. You immediately clicked your phone screen black, even though you had nothing to hide. You just shot her a smile, “Just… a friend from back home”
Hyunjin probably knew exactly who you were talking about, yet he didn’t react. His stone-cold demeanour was really beginning to bother you.
“So where were you guys, at the party? When we found you, you two were at the cabins” Kairi spoke, breaking the tension. You swallowed, wondering if he would answer but he obviously wasn’t interested in speaking so you said, “I was dancing. And then…I hurt myself. So Hyunjin took me to the cabin to find a bandaid”
That wasn’t exactly what had happened. You had conveniently skipped over your argument, and the two of you spying on them, but Hyunjin nodded along, following your lie, “Yeah. There were no first aid kits there though”
Kairi nodded, “Shit, yeah. We didn’t think anybody would use the cabins for anything other than sex…anyway, I was thinkingggg we should play some game. It’d be nice to kill the time.”
Chan reminded her, “I thought you were about to pass out, baby”
Kairi was full of energy now as she suggested, “Well, I’m wide awake now! I kind of want the celebration to last a little while longer. Y/N, you can pick a game, since you're my guest of honour! Do you know any good ones?”
It seemed like Kairi and Chan had absolutely no fucking idea what happened between you and Hyunjin. They knew you weren’t together, but it seemed like they knew nothing more than that. Hyunjin hadn’t told them any of the details. They only knew you’d ended things, but not why. By their ease, and comfort…it seemed like they didn’t even know Hyunjin had been the one to end things with you. The memory of that made your chest clench, with hurt.
The heartbreak felt so one-sided. Everything seemed so easy for him. Had you got everything wrong this summer? Had you read too much into his actions? You felt embarrassed, thinking back to the kind of things you’d said to him. You didn’t tell him you loved him, but you pretty much said everything else. He knew more about you than anybody else in your life, and now he wouldn't even talk to you. You’d been willing to move to the city for him, but he didn’t even bat an eye. Being in Seoul suddenly didn’t feel worth it anymore.
“Sorry, what were you saying?”
“We still are two hours out of the city. It’d be fun to play something” Kairi said, glancing at the GPS on the console. Play something? Like a road trip game? This hardly felt like a road trip, it was far too depressing to be one. “I’m…good with anything” You spoke, “I’m kind of really tired”
“How about word association?” Chan suggested, “I used to play that with my family as a kid”
You realised he was waiting for your response so you nodded, “Sure. How does it go…? Is there a way to lose?”
“Only if you take longer than three seconds to answer. We go in a circle, Kairi can start with any random word, you have to say a word related to the previous one, and the person who can’t come up with something loses”
You weren’t really in the mood to play, but you would need more energy to protest. Plus, any time interacting with the back-seaters was time removed with the boy in the front seat. Kairi quickly explained the rules, and that it would go clockwise, starting with Hyunjin. He still hadn’t reacted to the idea of the game so you weren’t even sure if he was playing. Kairi hummed loudly, looking around for inspiration. Dark clouds were forming on the horizon so she naturally said, “Thunder!”
“Storm” You immediately said.
“Well, Hyunjin was supposed to go” Kairi laughed, “I’ll go again. Eclipse?”
“Cosmic” Hyunjin replied. A curt, short, emotionless answer. You realised you had to speak now. You mumbled, “Um…the stars”
“Marilyn Monroe” Chan said. Kairi laughed loudly, “Chris. What the hell?”
“What? She’s…a star” Chan defended. You smiled at their bantering. Kairi rolled her eyes, “No. That’s what’s called a Freudian slip”
“Excuse me?” Chan giggled, “Don’t psychobabble me. What even is that?”
Kairi laughed, “It’s this theory that if you accidentally say something wrong, you were thinking about it subconsciously. Most people are thinking about sex, so that’s what a lot of Freudian slips reveal”
“So what… you’re accusing me of wanting to sleep with Marilyn Monroe?” Chan frowned. She giggled, “No, I’m just saying that’s how it works, smartass. It usually reveals your repressed thoughts”
You glanced back at her, “Yeah. I guess that’s what this entire game is about. Although I really don’t think Freud has had the best ideas. Some of them are…really regressive”
Kairi grinned at you, nodding aggressively and she was still tipsy from before, “You’re so right, honestly. Most of the people I played this game with had no idea what a Freudian slip was. You know, this is why we’re friends. You’re…so fucking cool. You’re just like me”
“Y/N is not just like you” Chan laughed loudly.
“Excuse me?” She gasped, offended, “You just met her. How would you even know what she’s like?”
Chan chuckled, “Yeah, but I’ve been hearing about her all summer—” He suddenly stopped, realising what he’d said. An awkward silence enveloped the car and you did everything not to look at Hyunjin. So… Chan had been hearing about you all summer. You knew Hyunjin had told the boys about you. You just wondered what he’d said. What did he know of you? Chan cleared his throat, embarrassed by his slip of the tongue, “I mean….never mind. Should we continue the game? Hyunjin. Why don’t you start?”
Hyunjin swallowed, adjusting his hands on the wheel, “Um. I don’t know. Sin?”
Your eyes widened at his word choice, and it was your turn to go next. Sin? What was he even thinking of? Your mind went through the seven deadly sins that you knew of, and you only had three seconds so you blurted, “Lust”
It was Chan’s turn now, and he blanked, eyes widening, “Uh…passion?”
You didn’t like this tangent of thought… and you waited for Kairi to say something. Chan teased, “Are you serious? You’re gonna lose”. She yelled, “Wait, wait. I know. Yearning!”
It was Hyunjin’s turn to play. His mouth parted, and he was about to say something, but instead he chose not to. He just shook his head, “I don’t know…I can’t really focus on the game when I’m driving”
Kairi sighed, “Can’t believe you lost on yearning, Hyunjin”
“Yeah. My mistake” He mumbled. His knuckles were white against the steering wheel. You didn’t really want to play this game anymore. You stared out the window, your reflection flickering in the window. You wanted to be home already, and not in this car where you felt like a stranger.
There was so much brevity and lightheartedness in the conversations between Chan and Kairi, and here you were…struggling to even get a proper hi out. You felt like a stranger, even to Kairi. You’d only known her for a few weeks, compared to them. The three of them felt like a unit, like a family that was finally complete again. Hyunjin had sang praises of their love, and you could see it now. It wasn’t anything grand or impossible, it was so casual and effortless. Kairi and Chan fit together like puzzle pieces, so perfectly, but even more than that, they enhanced each other so simply. There was no fear of misunderstandings, or betrayal. They were giggling in the back, laughing about some inside joke you’d never be able to understand. Perhaps you shouldn’t have accepted this ride. Kairi was your friend, but you weren’t really welcome here. You were an outsider. Chan must have wanted to keep the conversation going so he said, “So, Y/N, you were about to tell me about yourself when we got in the car”
You swallowed, “Um, I didn’t know I was going to be doing that”
Kairi teased, “Yeah, Chan. I thought you knew all about her, and how me and her are so similar”
Chan giggled, “It was a figure of speech. No, but seriously, Y/N”
You bit your lip, and a deep sadness was overwhelming you. One you’d been trying to escape for months but it seemed impossible now. You’d genuinely enjoyed the party, until he’d showed up. He’d ruined everything. It had taken so long for you to not think about him. Now you felt like you were sinking again, “Um…what do you want to know? I came here to study art. There’s not really much to tell…You’re the one who has a really interesting life."
Chan frowned, “Come on. That’s not a real answer. I wanna know you, not answers you’d type in on some Facebook page”
You were at a loss for words, and you mostly just felt conscious around Hyunjin. You always hated introductions like this, and icebreakers, especially around someone you wanted to like you. Chan seemed amazing, he was brilliant so how could your little life possibly impress him? You’d done nothing that would have an impact on anyone, unlike them. Anything you say would be so boring. So you settled for a basic fact about yourself, a preface to your personality, “Well…I used to work in an art—”
“She’s a really good artist” Hyunjin suddenly interrupted you.
Your gaze snapped to his.
“Oh yeah?” Chan asked, surprised.
“Yup” Hyunjin cleared his throat, “She’s in the most prestigious program of the country”
Chan smiled, “Wow. That’s…amazing, Y/N. You should be bragging about that stuff”
“There’s only like…25 people that get in from across the world” Hyunjin continued talking, staring right ahead so casually. There was a knot in your stomach, and he had the faintest of a smile on his face as he talked about you. It was more than he’d given you in the past hours, “She’s one of the few domestic students”
“What? You didn’t tell me that!” Kairi exclaimed, hand reaching out to tap you. But you were speechless, staring at Hyunjin. Why did he just do that?
“Well, now you’ve got to show me your art, Y/N!” Chan grinned, “Hyunjin’s got pretty high standards when it comes to those, so I’m curious”
You nodded, forcing a smile at him, “Yeah…um, maybe later”
“Well, I hope you taught Hyunjin something too” Chan laughed.
Hyunjin nodded, and there was a hint of emotion as he spoke, “She did”
You chewed on your lower lip, fiddling with your jacket, thinking about his words, even long after he’d said them.
The barren highway enveloped the car in darkness, and the tiny GPS screen was the only light source. You stared ahead, watching the road lit up in the headlights, uncovering more of the unknown every second. There was nobody else out here. It was spooky, and you hated the feeling. You felt trapped in this metal contraption. Hyunjin’s fingers tapped lightly on the steering wheel, a familiar rhythm, probably calming his nerves down. The backseat noise had died down, and it seemed like the tiredness had finally hit Kairi. The only indication of passing time was the clock on the dashboard. You watched it tick down every second, hoping it would go faster. The city was still so far out. You leaned back onto the seat, watching trees whiz past in silence. Hyunjin was so quiet you’d almost think he fell asleep. The only surmountable sound was the heating, and the tapping of his fingers. You closed your eyes, hoping the time would pass faster.
You couldn’t help but think of what was waiting for you. There was no lingering excitement. This party had been the only thing you’d been looking forward to for a while. There was so much work back in class, starting Monday. Kim Jieong was expecting so much from you. You felt emotionally drained. He was your only motivation, pushing you to get better. After all, there was nothing else waiting for you back there.
Suddenly Hyunjin cleared his throat, drawing your attention. From your peripheral vision, you saw him reach for the radio, fingers hovering over the console, and then he looked to you, “Um…mind if I put something on?”
You blinked, distracted by how he looked in the glow of the light. His glasses were thin, hanging on his nose bridge, and his lips were pursed. He’d bitten them raw. Maybe you weren’t the only one anxious in this car. You shook your head, “Go ahead”
He pressed a button, and life filled the previously stagnant car. An announcer was talking, probably at an all-night radio station, and you asked softly, “Wouldn’t this wake them up?”
Hyunjin looked at you again, over the rim of his glasses, eyes meeting yours for another torturous split second. In the dark, they looked like pools of black, a darkened gaze as he spoke, “Uh, don’t worry. I turned the speakers in the back off. It’s only the front ones that are working”
Oh. You didn’t even know that was possible. They obviously had access to the best cars with the best technologies. Music began playing, a rock band from the 80s, and you rest your head again, closing your eyes to savour in this newfound peace. It was strange to sit next to the man you desired the most yet have no conversation. For the past few months, it had been impossible to separate you, and the irony of this moment didn’t fail to surprise you. You’d come all the way to Seoul for him. Yet the only sound in the car was Bon Jovi on the radio.
“Um—”
“So—” You and Hyunjin both spoke at the same time.
“Sorry,” You apologised, “What were you about to say?”
He glanced at you, hand reaching out to the radio again, and you noticed he had new rings on his finger. They looked so expensive, glittering sparkles, and he must have bought them recently. He seemed nervous and he spoke, “I can…uh, change the music if you don’t like it”
Your eyebrows shot up. That clearly wasn’t what he was going to say. “No, it’s nice. I like him”
He nodded, retreating his hand and putting it back on the console. You wondered about the unspoken, but wondering would only kill you. So you shut your eyes again, hands warm in your lap, wishing to be somewhere else. The tune was thrilling.
“80’s music is actually one of my favourites”
You opened your eyes to look at him, “Really?”
“Yeah. I think….their songs are pretty incomparable. I actually got a lot of inspiration for our album from them. I don’t know if you heard it; it’s very pop-rock heavy, which isn’t what we usually do” He spoke, a nervous wavering in his voice, as if you two were just getting to know each other.
You observed him, “Is that what you were going to say earlier?”
“Sorry?” He looked right at you, dark eyes flickering over your features. You felt conscious of how you looked. You were still in his sweater, and your hair was still wet from the swim. You said, “Um…you were about to say something but decided not to. Was that it?”
Realisation sank into his face, lips parting, “No, I was…going to ask you how you met Kairi”
“Oh…” Disappointment filled you. What were you expecting to be said? An apology would be nice actually. Something to start with. You were having trouble grasping that things between you and him were truly over. They couldn’t be. Hadn’t he only come into your life yesterday, uprooting everything you thought you knew about yourself? Or maybe you were just desperately clinging on to a summer dream that wasn’t real.
“Sorry. Should I not have asked?” Hyunjin said.
“No, that’s fine. It was just a crazy coincidence. We were at a bar…me and my friends, and somebody spilled a drink on her, I just happened to be there. I offered to help her. Obviously…I didn’t know who she was. Later, I realised it was Kairi”
“That’s…” Hyunjin’s fingers adjusted on the steering wheel, he spaced them out, glancing at you again, “That’s really nice of you”
“Yeah”
“Are you cold?” He asked.
“What? Um, no.” You shook your head awkwardly. His sweater was keeping you plenty warm.
“Okay”
The silence drowned you again, and you focused on the song playing, replaying the previous conversation in your head, clinging to it for life.
“I…tried Gouache”
It took you a second to register that Hyunjin was talking to you, again.
Why was he making an effort after what went down earlier? You’d argued and fought, and now he was…trying to be nice? Was he trying to make amends? Did he finally realise what an asshole he’d been? Or were his memories of summer coming back to him too? Because every time you looked at him, all you could remember was the calmness of each moment you’d spent with him, and how his skin had felt to touch, and how his body had felt against yours, warm and comforting. How could he not be thinking of that?
“Sorry?” You glanced at him.
He straightened up, hands clasped before him, “I…taught myself Gouache. I hadn’t explored it much before, but I had some time between schedules last month and I decided to give it a shot”
You didn’t know what to say. Gouache was such a difficult pigmented paint medium to work with. You stayed quiet, which somehow… he took a sign to continue speaking, “It was hard…but I found the supplies and tried many styles with it. I couldn’t get it right for the longest time but then realised I had the wrong brushes. I…think I prefer it to watercolor”
“Are you serious?”
He glanced at you, almost surprised that you’d replied even though he had been telling you all of this. He nodded, his lips a thin line.
“Gouache can never have the same effect, or…even replace watercolours. It’s…so much more intense. It loses all of its softness” You ended up saying.
“Have you worked with it before?”
“In class. I do all the time” You answered, “I don’t like it. I prefer acrylics or oil”
Hyunjin nodded, eyes zeroed in on you again, “Do you have the freedom to choose?”
“Choose what?”
“The material you want to paint with” He stated, simply.
“Yeah. It’s up to us” You said.
Hyunjin just nodded, and then silently turned away. As did you. Queen was playing on the radio now, and you liked this song. Somebody to Love. It seemed like Hyunjin enjoyed this song too, because he reached ahead, his bracelets clinking together and he increased the volume just slightly. You glanced in the rearview mirror, and Kairi and Chan were still asleep, cuddled up to each other. Hyunjin was softly singing, under his breath, but he knew all the words. His voice brought a strange calmness to your body, warming it up.
“I can’t believe you tried Gouache” You mumbled, still thinking about it. You didn’t want to initiate conversation with him, not after everything he’d done to your heart. But you were so curious. It was really hard to work with, especially if someone was a beginner.
“Can I show you something?” He asked.
“What?”
He looked at you, a newfound energy in him, “The…paintings I’ve been working on”
“Unless you’re going to pull over—”
“They’re in my phone. You can just…see them there”
You glanced at his phone that lay on the console.
“Um…are you sure?” You reached for his phone, and it was strange that he completely trusted you with it.
“Yeah. I don’t mind. There’s nothing I have to hide from you. The password…I can just type it in” He grabbed it from you, entering random numbers that you couldn’t grasp the significance of, before handing his unlocked phone back to you. The wallpaper was a pretty sunset. You recognised the landscape instantly. It must have been the pictures he took on the Ferris wheel with Seungmin, back at the summer carnival. Memories of that flooded through you. It had been a perfect day. You recalled the photobooth pictures that lay in your sketchbook, Hyunjin had put them there for you to find. You still didn’t understand why, or how he got a hold of them. As far as you knew, he’d deleted them in front of your eyes. You glanced at him; his eyebrows were knitted as he concentrated on driving, still occasionally mouthing the words to the song. You may never get this chance again. “How’d you get those pictures?” You broke the silence.
It took him a second to comprehend your question, and he turned casually, “Hmm?”
In this angle, confusion on his face, nose scrunched up, he looked so tame, so innocent. You already wished to take back what you’d said, in case it ruin this strange peace. It was too late to back up now as he stared at you so you said, “In my sketchbook, I found the photobooth strip. The pictures of us kissing. I…thought you deleted them”
His eyes widened, and he turned back to the road, voice dropping low, “Oh… It doesn’t really matter, Y/N”
His response irked you. It reminded you again that this was futile, whatever you chased for with Hyunjin. “Yeah. It doesn’t” You agreed, looking back at his phone in your hands. You opened up his picture gallery. Everything was divided into little folders, and his entire life was so organised. If you were his girlfriend, would there be a folder for you in it too? You clicked on the one which was so fittingly named ‘Art’. You were annoyed at him but you couldn’t pretend, “Oh. These are…really good, Hyunjin”
He clearly gravitated towards drawing flowers and landscapes. Some of them were familiar, most of them were new. There were so many pictures of flowers, at all stages. He must be drawing from life. It seemed like he’d developed a lot of art ever since he’d come back. They were all so intense and bold, no softness to them that watercolour provided. You’d always thought that Gouache was something in between watercolour and acrylic, a strange midway compromise, yet Hyunjin had made masterpieces out of it, “You did all of these in Gouache?”
He only nodded in response, as you scrolled through the gallery.
“You’re crazy” You said.
Hyunjin let out a laugh, “You really hate it that much?”
“It’s just difficult to work with, but you’re actually really great at these” You stared at the art, and how his technique had improved. All his lines were more confident, pronounced, bolder. He’d gotten so much better in your absence. You’d only gotten worse in his.
“So…how’s the apprenticeship going? Is Kim Jieong as nice as you thought?” He asked. You put his phone back on the console, even though you urged to see everything he’d felt worth storing in his phone. He had asked you a question so you tried to focus on that, “Yeah. He’s really nice. He is so talented. I, um, asked him about the painting, by the way. The one we were talking about”
“The one about the lovers drowning in moonlight?”
You nodded, hands feeling jittery, unable to stomach this casual conversation, “Yup. He was surprised it was my favourite. He thinks I have morbid taste. And… the day he took us to your work building, he wanted us to meet some gallery curator”
“Must have been Karina”
“You know her?” You glanced at him, hoping your face didn’t give anything away. How petty of you to be jealous that he knew another girl. Another artist at that.
“She’s the prodigy I was telling you about. She wants me to…exhibit some of my work at a gallery next month”
Your eyes widened, and you fiddled with the zipper on the jacket, “Oh. That’s…a big deal. Are you allowed to do that?”
He looked at you, “Yeah, the company and Eunwoo’s really supportive. The fans love it, so he thinks it’s a great stream of revenue and publicity. Any press is good press. He couldn’t care less about the art”
“Right” You nodded, watching him, “Well, maybe Kim Jieong will make it a field trip for us again. Your exhibition”
Hyunjin’s lips tugged into a smile, “That’d be really embarrassing. I wouldn’t want all your professional artist friends to judge my work”
“Well…they’re not as pretentious as you might think. My friends…they’re really nice. Everybody’s not bad. I mean…it was hard settling in, but…I think I like it now” You were rambling, without meaning to share so much with him. Maybe you’d just been craving to have a real conversation with him all this while. After all, he was the only person in your life who understood, “And Kim Jieong is my favourite part of it anyway. Even if everybody sucks. I look up to him a lot. He…even calls me sweetheart. It always throws me off”
“Isn’t that a bit inappropriate?”
You frowned, not expecting that response, “No…he has different nicknames for everyone”
“I see” His reply was curt, like he didn’t believe that. He cleared his throat, “And um…your friends? The other students? Are they cool?”
“I mean, you’ve already met Jeonghan”
“Is that the boy who you were dancing with?”
“Yeah, that’s him”
Hyunjin stayed quiet for a minute and then he said, “He has two left feet”
“Excuse me?”
“Sorry” He chuckled dryly, “When you were dancing with him, he almost dropped you…like ten times”
“He only came to the party for me, because I didn’t know anybody. Don’t make fun of him. He was kind of the best part of my day”
“I’m not making fun of him. It’s just an observation” Hyunjin mumbled, but there was a teasing glint in his eyes and he looked at you, “And I saw your face. You were worried he’d drop you too”
“I was not” Your eyes narrowed, but a stupid smile tugged at your lips, “Anyway. You’re one to talk. You’re probably worse”
He laughed properly this time, looking at you over his glasses, “Oh, am I?”
You shrugged, “We’ve never danced together so it could be true”
“I think you’re forgetting that I’m a professional dancer, Y/N” His tone was cocky.
You sighed, facing away to look out, “Ugh. Do you always have to bring up the idol card?”
“The idol card?” He repeated, “That’s my job, what do you mean?”
“Just seems like an unfair advantage”
Hyunjin chuckled, “Fine. Okay. Even if I wasn’t a professional dancer, I bet I’d still be able to take Jeonghan in a dance battle”
“I’m starting to think that you’re obsessed with him…”
Hyunjin laughed, “I guess I see why you chose him now”
Your gaze darted to his, “What?”
You arrived at a railway crossing. The signal was loud, and he stopped the car, foot on the brake as he slowed down. “He is your boyfriend…isn’t he?” He said, so surely.
You stared at him, wondering how he could ask that so casually, so unaffected. You’d probably die if Hyunjin had a girlfriend. Did he think you’d move on so fucking fast? You woke and fell asleep to the thought of him every day still, months later. You thought of him every waking second. Maybe you should take a book out of Hyunjin’s ability to be vague, “Are you seriously asking me that?”
He looked at you, eyes heavy with emotion. He swallowed, “Yeah. I am”
You stared right back at him, heart pounding fast, “Yeah. I am dating him”
“Oh” He shifted in his seat, “That’s nice…how long have you known him?”
You couldn’t believe he could be so…casual about it. You looked out, “It doesn’t matter”
Hyunjin nodded, “Well. For what it’s worth, Nate seems like a nice guy”
You just couldn’t comprehend how the fuck he could be so casual about this. As if you two had just been an inconvenient situationship and your lives and souls hadn’t completely intertwined this summer. As if you’d just move away, and get a new boyfriend and fall in love. As if you could ever truly move on from Hyunjin. As if he didn't know that you'd been in love with him this whole time. It wasn’t that simple. It could never be.
“So…you really don’t give a fuck?”
“I’m sorry?” He looked at you, feigning innocence, “About what?”
You could have said so many things. Bitterness clawed out of you. “Well, for what it’s worth, Nate’s a great kisser”
His eyes widened, and he nodded, voice falling low, “I’m sure he is”
You couldn’t stop. You wanted your words to stab him like little knives he’d dug into your skin all this while, “And for what it’s worth, I actually trust him”
Hyunjin tensed up, fists clenching at the wheel. The train was just passing by, and the signal was so loud but you knew he heard you. “I’m…glad you trust him” He ended up saying.
You watched him, observing every micro-expression. You could have played along, egged him on, made him believe it. He should hurt too, like you were, but you couldn’t wrap your head around this. Was it really so easy for him to move on? He was pretending like nothing ever affected him. Were you seriously the only one who had been invested in the two of you? You let out a laugh, “So that’s it?”
“What?” He looked at you.
“You don’t care? You really think I would just date…a random guy from my class? Because if you think that, you don’t—”
His brows shot up, “I’m sorry, so you’re not dating him? Why would you tell me you were?”
“Do you care if I was?”
He frowned, eyebrows furrowing, “Seriously? You know I still care about you, right?”
It pissed you off. He had no right to say something like that when he didn’t give a fuck about you. He had just abandoned you, with no intention of ever making up things, “I don’t know, Hyunjin. I mean…everything you’ve done to me the past few months has shown me quite the opposite. That you don’t care”
His eyes widened, “Everything I’ve done to you?”
A scoff escaped you, and you were losing it, “I’m sure you had your reasons for never wanting to talk to me again. I, personally, would have just liked a goodbye or an explanation before you decided to leave. That’s just me though. But you know what? Maybe I read too much in what happened this summer”
He swallowed, shifting to look at you, “Look, it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. I didn’t know how to explain and I thought that you would understand—”
How the fuck could he expect you to understand? Your voice shot up, and everything you'd wondered over the past few months bubbled to the surface, “You…pushed me away, Hyunjin. You completely got rid of me! I’m sure you had your reasons, but I wasn’t okay. I’m still not fucking okay. It was a complete asshole move to block me for months with no explanation. I didn’t even know you’re capable of something like that, but you know what, it sucks to find out. In my head, I built you up to be some angel on a fucking pedestal. That was obviously my mistake”
He swallowed, adam's apple bobbing, and you could see him grappling with what to say. It felt good to render him speechless. It took away from your embarrassment of knowing that Kairi and Chan could probably hear each second of this conversation.
“Things were always going to end this way. You knew that, Y/N” The way he spoke pissed you off, like he had a rehearsed answer in his head and no real fucking emotions. Why could he just not tell you what he truly felt? Why was he trying so hard to be someone he was not?
A dry chuckle escaped you, and it was better you take out your anger on him because you felt like crying with each word you said, “No, I didn’t know that. if I knew that you were just going to disappear, I would have preferred never to know you”
His gaze burned through you, “Y/N…”
Somebody suddenly knocked on Hyunjin’s window, and you shook away your building tears. It was an officer, and Hyunjin rolled down the window, “Yes?”
He leaned in, not knowing what he was interrupting, “Excuse me? The signal’s running at a delay. There’s going to be a ten minute hold-up”
Hyunjin nodded, “Oh okay”
He rolled the window back up, and looked back at you. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't even look at him. You hated him and his fucking nonchalance. You swallowed, “I need some air”
Before he could say something, you opened the door, stepping out. There would be a delay anyway, and hardly any cars were behind you. You walked to the side of the street, taking in a breath, willing yourself to not start fucking cry.
Another car door slammed shut behind you, and Hyunjin followed you out.
“Y/N—” He said, walking around the car, following you to the side.
Your emotions were brimming to the top, and you couldn’t keep it in. It would be petty, mean, childish but you deserved to get some answers.
You turned around, voice raising, “If I hadn’t moved to the city, you would have never met me again” It wasn’t a question. You knew he had no plans of returning to town anytime this century, “And you were just okay with that? With never seeing me again?”
He closed his eyes, his body towering over you, “It’s…not that simple”
“Yeah. It is. You didn’t even think I was worth an explanation…or a proper goodbye?”
“I…didn’t know what to say. You just have to believe when I say I’m doing this for your own good”
“Really?” You scoffed, “You expect me to believe that…? You could’ve said anything. Anything would have been better than what I got. Just tell me what's going on, please”
“Anything I said would have hurt you” His voice was shaking, like he was going to cry. How could he ever explain that he had picked his life over you? That you were the sacrifice he had decided to make?
You loved him, and you couldn’t bear to be the reason he cried but you had so many questions. Your voice was loud, in disbelief and frustration, “How is this any different? You cut me out of your life like it was nothing”
“It wasn’t nothing. It was just as hard for me as—”
“No, I’m not done talking. After losing you, moving to the city was the hardest thing I ever did. Leaving Daejon behind, all my friends…the only life I knew, and this place where I don’t really fit perfectly, but I’m trying so hard to. It is so hard. The only thing I love…I can’t even love that anymore because I can’t fucking stop thinking about you when I’m painting! It’s not fair. You had a choice, Hyunjin. I didn’t” Your voice broke.
“Before I saw you in the shop, I was this close to calling you up” He held up a small gap between his fingers, “I just…always ended up talking myself out of it”
A scoff escaped you, at the ridiculousness of his response, “I really have a hard time believing that”
“I don’t expect you to believe me anyway” He mumbled. You stared at him, crossing your arms, wondering how everything led to this, “I thought you were different, Hyunjin, from every other guy I’ve known in my life… but you…”
He stepped closer to you, running a hand through his hair, “What was I supposed to say to you, Y/N? That I never want to see you again? Do you think that would be easy for me to say?”
“I don’t know, Hyunjin! I don’t fucking know, but anything would have been better than what I got, because the person I knew would never have acted this drastically. So, were you just pretending in Daejon? Or are you pretending now? Because I’m having a real hard time telling who the real you is, Hyunjin—”
His eyes widened at those words, as if they personally struck him. He grabbed your hands, pulling you closer to him in the process, “Y/N— Stop. I’m not…I never pretended with you”
His grip on you was firm, but enough that you could let go if you wanted. You looked up at him, and you were already so emotional, “Then why are you being so cold? You’ve been acting like you don’t care, but I don’t even know if you’re acting anymore. I feel like…I never saw the real you. That’s what you’re making me believe”
His closed his eyes, shaking his head at your words like they were the worst thing he could hear, “I’m sorry”
Your eyebrows knitted together, voice fading, “For…what?”
“For…changing my number and not telling you” He swallowed, and his hands held yours in between them like a prayer, “For…trying to push you away. For ignoring you in the shop”
His eyes glimmered with incoming tears, but he cleared his throat, and blinked them away, “I’m sorry I didn’t apologise until today”
You swallowed. You’d been waiting for an apology this whole time, but your heart still hurt. There wasn’t any explanation. You couldn’t…just believe him. Your heart squeezed so bad, it felt like a heart attack. You blinked away tears.
“There’s…a lot I want to talk to you about, but I can’t do it here” He swallowed, and there was a cloud of smoke when he talked, it was freezing outside but your heart felt dead, “You just have to believe me when I say I’m doing this for your own good”
“I don’t understand…”
He closed his eyes, and the train at the signal crossing was still passing, giving you a few more moments of his vulnerability, “I’ve told you before. If we didn’t stop talking when we did…it would have led to something more that I can’t deny. I’m not going to regret my choices because I know why I made them. And that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I will always fucking care about you, it’s insane to even think anything else but…I can’t be in your life, and you can’t be in mine”
Tears threatened to shoot up, but you had some dignity clinging on so you said, “Then what is this? Why are you still being nice to me, making conversation? Why did you show up tonight? Why are you driving me home? If you don’t want me in your life, then just…stay out of it, Hyunjin”
He blinked, glossy eyes, and suddenly the car behind you honked. The train had passed, and you were free to cross.
His voice was shaking and this was the most emotion you’d seen in him in months, “I…couldn’t leave you at the party. It’s not safe…of course I had to drive you home. I would go insane if something happened to you”
You ripped your hands away from him, “Then I guess it’s a good thing that it’s not your responsibility anymore”
»»————-
The rest of the ride was fucking horrible. You stared out the window the entire time, and Hyunjin didn’t say anything else. Maybe it really was over now. What was left to salvage? You don’t know how much Kairi and Chan had heard, but it didn’t matter anyway. They were probably getting back together, which meant you couldn’t be a part of this anymore. If Kairi started hanging out with Chan again, you would obviously not be invited. Not after they witnessed you being such a bitch to their best friend. They were friends first, after all. You were the stranger.
“The next right turn” You mumbled, as you approached the street you lived on. Hyunjin brought the car to a stop. They were now awake in the backseat. You didn’t even know what to say. You unbuckled your seatbelt, grabbing your bag of things, avoiding eye contact with anybody, “Thank you for the ride home”
“I can walk you home” Chan offered.
“I’ll be fine. It’s a minute away” You replied, holding your bag to your chest.
“It’s really late out” Chan replied, insisting. You didn’t want to argue with him any further. The longer you argued, the longer you’d have to stay in this car, next to Hyunjin. He was looking at you, but he was pretending real hard not to. The eyes flickering back and forth, it couldn’t fool you. You’d become an expert on all things him. These secretive glances were all you had back then, so how could you not notice them now?
“Don’t worry about it, Chan” You replied, shooting them a smile so they believed you. Chan nodded, and you glanced at Kairi. She looked tired, but she was in his arms, so she was clearly very happy. She smiled warmly, and you wonder if they’d heard you breaking down. Her voice was soft and sweet, and she grabbed your hand, pressing a kiss to your knuckles, “Thank you for a perfect birthday, Y/N. You had a good time?”
“Of course.” You nodded. You were suffocating in here. You reached for the doorknob, but then you heard Hyunjin’s voice, “Good luck with class”
You couldn’t see the look in his eyes, but you’d die for it. You stepped out into the cold, glancing briefly back, “Yeah. Thanks.”
It didn’t matter because he had already looked away. It’s like he couldn’t bear to see you anymore.
»»————-
“Do you want to talk about it?” Your neighbour, Jeongin, stood in the doorway. You had been standing in the cold for a while, staring at the spot the car had been. It had driven off a while ago, but you could still picture it where it stood. The humming of the engine, the heat, the stupid 80s music stuck in your head. You had been so mean to him. He didn’t deserve it.
You looked at him in surprise, “You’re awake?”
“I work on European time” He shrugged, leaning against the doorway. It was freezing cold, and you could feel it in your bones. It had never been this way back home. “Let’s just go inside” You spoke.
“That sounds like a wonderful idea” He smiled, pulling you in by your arm, “I was wondering how the party went”
You followed him up the stairs, feeling like a zombie in each step, “It was good. I missed you at it. You should have come”
“I’m sure Nate kept you plenty company” Jeongin laughed, “Are you going to go to sleep now?”
It was almost six am, and the sun was rising. You don’t think you could fall asleep with these thoughts in your head. You glanced at him, “Why? You got something in mind?”
He grinned, like he'd been waiting for you to ask him this. And so you spent the dawn with Jeongin, in his cosy apartment, struggling over a 1000-piece puzzle and downing the red wine he’d brought you. He didn’t ask you any questions, which was nice. You wouldn’t even know where to start. He was sweet and he was always smiling, telling you about his work and all the new video games he’d bought. You prolonged everything, asking more questions, anything to keep the focus on him. You didn’t want to go back to your empty apartment and face your thoughts.
“How long have you been living here?” You asked. The window in his apartment was bigger than yours, facing out at the busy street, as the city woke up and came back to life.
“Almost my entire life. Moved here when I was twelve” He told you. You couldn’t bring yourself to be excited about this anymore, or about anything else. You missed your friends, the familiarity and comfort of them. You missed the diner, and it’s cheap coffee.
“Does it ever get easy?”
He laughed, “Honestly, no. Seoul…is hard to fall in love with, but once you do…you never go back”
You sighed, placing the final piece of the puzzle. You missed your art shop. It had always kept you safe and happy. If you knew it was going to be this hard leaving that behind, you would have thought twice, “I think…some people probably never get used to it. That makes me sad”
“Yeah?” He asked, “But you’re used to it now, aren’t you? You once told me it was written in the stars for you to come here”
“I don’t know if I believe in that anymore”
He relaxed on his couch, “I’m sure things will change. You’ll find something worth staying for”
You shrugged, pushing the puzzle to the side and it fell apart, all the pieces getting jumbled up. He didn’t complain about you ruining your hours worth of hard work. He just watched you grapple with your thoughts. You looked up at him, feeling hollow inside, “I think I made a mistake, Jeongin”
»»————-
Kairi had apparently found the best dessert shop in the city. She had pleaded you for hours until you’d decided to come. There were no seats inside the place, it was so busy, and so you and Kairi sat on a patio table outside. You looked around, as you swirled your hot coffee around. There were no leaves on the trees anymore. Winter had finally come.
“I’m going to bring Chris this when he gets back” She spoke, through a mouthful of brownie, “He doesn’t really have a sweet tooth, but I know he will love this. I once baked the boys this cake for Jisung’s birthday, and Chris said he hated it, but I saw him eat all the leftovers later. He literally stole mine too!” She laughed.
“When he’s back from where?”
“Oh, right. They’re in Japan. They had a flight the morning after my birthday, remember? Well, they’re supposed to show up at an event in Tokyo, and then they come back home for a few days, until they go back again. It’s the end of the season so there’s a bunch of award shows” She told you, sprinkling sugar crystals into her coffee. You didn’t know that they were in an entirely different country, “Must be hard. All the flying back and forth”
She shrugged, taking a sip of her drink, “Not really. They’re used to it at this point. It’s tiring, but…in their line of work, they have to learn to adjust”
Maybe that was your biggest flaw. You couldn’t adjust. To a different life, to new friends, to a new bed. To a life without him.
“I’m sorry if I ruined your birthday”
Her eyes widened, and she kept her cup of coffee down, “What are you talking about? You’re the one that made it perfect. You made it happen in the first place!”
“Yeah, but…” You trailed off, feeling embarrassed, “You must have heard us”
She swallowed, “I didn’t hear anything. It wasn’t my business to.”
You looked up at her, “Chan must hate me”
“What? Why would he?”
You looked down, “I’m…an asshole”
She reached ahead, grabbing your hand, “No one thinks you’re an asshole”
You let out a sigh, and you didn’t believe her, but there was no point arguing.
The next week, the boys flew back home. You only knew because Kairi told you. She had been counting down the days till they returned. She invited you out to a small get-together, but they would all be there. You said no.
Slowly, all your plans with Kairi became into plans with Kairi and Chan. You wouldn’t mind at all, because you loved Chan. You just hated that he almost always came with Hyunjin. So you never went to any of those. He would be grateful. He probably never wanted to see you again either. Your time with Kairi became divided. You didn’t blame her. She was in love, and you wouldn’t deny her any time with him. It became obvious how much happier she was around him.
A week later, you realised you still had Hyunjin’s sweater that he’d given to you at the party. So, you washed it and returned it to Kairi, hoping he wasn’t angry that you kept it with you for so long. You’d truthfully forgotten. You wouldn’t want to keep anything of his longer than you had to anyway.
»»————-
Nate was staring in awe at your painting. It was balanced on the easel, and you stood next to it, embarrassed at the attention it got. Nate laughed in disbelief, “Holy shit. That’s…beautiful. When did you get the time to make that?”
It was show-and-tell day. You were almost in the middle of your semester, and you were supposed to display your best work in class. You looked back at your painting. Ever since Kairi’s birthday, you hadn’t left your room. You’d been fixated on this. There was only one good thing left for you here, and it was this opportunity. You’d do anything to grasp at it, and maybe all your sadness and heartbreak had ended up being perfect inspiration. You had been endlessly inspired, each brushstroke came to you so easily. Perhaps all good art did come from suffering. Your best work to date you’d done when feeling your worst. You’d sniffled, and cried and fought your way through it.
“I…found time” You shrugged. Your hands were folded behind your back as you explained it to every single person who passed it. All the easels were set up in a circle, and it was almost like those expensive Château classes you could never afford to go to. Nate smiled at you, tilting his head, “You’re so mysterious. It suits you”
“I’m really not trying to be” You replied, “It just…came to me”
His eyes trailed over you. You’d tried to dress your best, an outfit you’d bought off the fancy boutiques, and it had cost you a fortune but none of your own clothes would fit the vibe. Nate’s voice dropped, “Is it weird if I say that you being coy is a turn-on?”
You smiled at him, wondering why his words had no effect on you. He made you feel wanted. He flirted with you endlessly. He was attracted to you. He actually wanted to talk to you.
But you knew that was all. He didn’t want to date you. He certainly didn’t have any intentions of a relationship. Perhaps, you didn’t want to just be wanted anymore.
“Mmh. It’s…a little weird” You teased him.
Kim Jieong approached you, and you straightened up, pulling Nate to the side. He glanced at your painting, and he certainly looked impressed. There was a small smile on his lips, and he was observing your art with all the focus in the world, “How many hours did you spend on this?”
“Maybe…twenty”
He laughed at your feeble attempt of lying, “That looks like…it took a hundred, at the least. Is it all you did this week?”
You nodded, “That’s what I’m here for”
He looked at your painting again, “As your professor, I have to say that I wish you hadn’t sacrificed sleep for this, but…” He leaned in closer, voice dropping, “This is exactly why I picked you, sweetheart”
Your eyes widened, not used to this proximity, but you felt so special. He hadn’t said this to anybody else. He was far too close to you, but you blinked at him, “Are you proud of me?”
He laughed, lifting a finger up, “You’re not there yet”
Your face fell.
“I’ll be proud of you if you can get that done in a day” He smiled wide, hands clasped behind his back, “You should start preparing for next week. I want you to make something special. If you win, it’d mean a lot for you, Y/N”
You nodded, remembering the assignment. The best painting in the class would be chosen for a prize. A scholarship, and the chance to get your work displayed in Seoul Museum of Art. It would certainly make everything much easier, taking the burden off you, and you’d also get a perfect start. You would finally be able to prove your worth here.
»»————-
You’d been painting all day, and your clothes were ruined with stains. You were working on the assignment for next week, it had to be perfect to win, and you hadn't got much sleep, completely immersing yourself into this. In a little break, you laid on your couch, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the call to go through. Yeonjun picked up your phone call, and he sounded so happy on the other end. It had been a while since you’d talked to him and he apologised, “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy with work. There was a company retreat last week, and we went out to these cabins in the woods. It was straight from a horror movie, and there was no network there. I took some pictures for you though”
“How did it go? That sounds nice, to be away from everything”
He laughed, “It was. I missed you though. But…I have some news to tell you…something happened”
“Yeah?”
“Remember the girl from my work I said was cute? She…kissed me. We actually, ended up making out in the hot tub. It was really fucking nice” You could imagine him smiling on the other end, and it warmed your heart. You sat up, smiling, “Are you serious? That’s so…amazing. So…you guys made out? Is that all that happened?”
He laughed on the other end, “No. We…slept together. Every night of the retreat”
Your eyes widened, “You’re kidding me. So, you really really like this girl”
“I mean, yeah, things with her are so…simple and easy. She gets me, and she’s so fun to be around. Sometimes that’s just how it has to be”
You thought of the polaroids on his desk of Hana, “Did she never ask about the pictures on your work desk?”
Yeonjun laughed nervously, “I…ended up taking those down. It’s easier to move on that way. I mean, I won’t ever be over her, but…it’s a start”
“Yeah. You’re probably right”
“I may have discovered a new kink about myself” He joked, “I have an urge to just move to that cabin and live in that hot tub forever”
You smiled, “Maybe you should”
“How about you though?”
“Well…I’ve been trying to make my magnum opus. If I have the best painting in class, I get to win this insane amount of money for a scholarship, and…it’ll be perfect”
“Well, you’re obviously going to win. I already know you’re the best in class”
You smiled, “I appreciate your faith in me…I think I’m going to start working on it in the classroom. It’s going to be a really big canvas, and there’s not much space in my apartment”
“That makes sense. And um, I wanted to ask, how are things with…Hyunjin? Did you guys ever talk after you saw him in the shop?”
You lay back down, and the lie was on easy on your tongue, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since then”
“Wow. He…hasn’t even reached out to you?”
You shrugged, echoing his words from before, “I don’t care. It’s easier to move on that way”
»»————-
Your canvas lay across multiple tables, occupying most of the space in your classroom. You’d joined them all together, it had taken a lot of strength, but it was worth it. Now, you sat on top of the paper cross-legged in the center. It was easier to work this way, as if the entire floor was your painting. You hope you weren’t breaking any rules by being in the classroom after hours. You’d just wanted some time to work on your painting, and you weren’t exactly inspired at your place. Your anger from the past few days had manifested into this; an insane obsession to make this your best work ever. You would prefer that over sadness. This, after all, was the only reason you’d come here. Not for him. It was almost midnight, and you scooted across the canvas, filling in more details of your sketch. Your plan was far too ambitious, but you were going to have to go all out to win the contest. It was the only thing you cared about right now.
“I didn’t know anybody was in here” The voice made you jump. Nobody was supposed to come in here right now, the building was shut down. You glanced up, watching Kim Jieong walk in, and you smiled at him, “Professor. Hi”
His eyes narrowed in on your silhouette, and a familiar smile across his face, “Oh, it’s you. What…in god’s name are you doing on top of the tables?”
“Um, my canvas is pretty big, so I thought it’d be easier to work like this” You explained. He laughed loudly, “You’re adorable, Y/N. You know that?”
You sat back down comfortably, realising he would let you stay here, “Um. Thank you, professor”
He looked around, “Oh, please don’t let me interrupt you. Why is it so dark in here though? I can hardly see you"
Adjusting your canvas and brushes around it, you spoke, “I like it that way. I think much better in the dark, the lights were too bright. Plus, the moonlight looks really nice”
You think he smiled at your words but you couldn’t tell in the dark. You could barely see him, just his silhouette and you heard him laugh. You heard his footsteps as he approached his own desk, “So, we’re far from the final project. I’m curious why you’re in the studio”
You bit your lip, feeling anxious about all this effort you were putting in, “I’m working on the contest painting. The scholarship…I really want to try my best. I also don’t work too well at my apartment, I thought maybe I could work here”
“When I got a notification that a student was still in the studio, I was curious. I had to cut my dinner short”
“Oh” You blinked, feeling guilty, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it notified you…”
“Of course, it’s for the safety of our students” He smiled, stepping towards your workspace, “Would you indulge me in what you’re working on…or is it a surprise?”
Your canvas wasn’t ready to show, “I’d prefer if you see it when it’s finished”
He laughed, and asked, “May I sit next to you?”
“Oh, you won’t be getting back to your dinner?” You asked, looking up at him.
“No, I’d like to stay here with you”
He was perhaps the only person in the world you wanted to be around right now, so you didn’t mind. His presence would calm and comfort you, “Of course. That’d be fine with me, professor”
He pulled a stool up close to your workspace. The greenhouse-studio was deathly quiet and he inched closer to your table. You stared at your big sketch, “I’m really sorry about interrupting your dinner. I thought it’d be fine if I let myself in”
“Don’t apologise, sweetheart. My wife was pretty tired anyway. Just gave us a reason to end the night early”
He was at dinner with his wife? You didn’t even know he was married, but he was in his late thirties so it made sense. You continued adding details, but you couldn’t focus when he was observing you so close. Thankfully the dark could conceal your expressions and embarrassment. You ought to feel proud. The greatest artist in the country was here to watch you paint.
“Have you…eaten dinner yet?” You heard him ask. You glanced up, gesturing to the side of the classroom where your leftovers lay, “Yeah, I had some chinese takeout. Although when I’m painting, I don’t get hungry for hours.”
He just hummed in response. You were grateful that your mentor wanted to sit with you so badly that he skipped dinner with his wife. But the other part disliked the supervision, and you did want some alone time. Still, he was the greatest living artist, so you’d learn to adjust to it. After everything that had happened, he was also your only hope of making it big in the city. He was the sole reason you were still here, spending thousands just to stay in Seoul so you could attend the classes. You looked at him, and he was admiring you while you worked, so you said, “I might be here all night. I wouldn’t want to keep you"
He frowned, “I don’t mind staying. I could get some work done too”
“Oh…sure” You looked back at your sketch, erasing off a mistake. He stood up, walking towards the cabinet, sifting through canvases. Usually, you weren’t awkward around him, but right now it was really late and you were tired to make small talk. But it’d be weirder if you just stayed quiet. You felt a need to fill in the silence with anything, “So, Professor, um…your wife. How did you meet her?”
He shrugged in your peripheral vision, not particularly excited to answer, “The usual. We were high school sweethearts. Got married as soon as we graduated. I was too focused on my art to pursue other women anyway”
You nodded. Well, that made it even more awkward. So you kept going, “Right. Wow. High school, that’s really cool. Was she…any of the inspirations for your paintings?”
“Some of them, yes”
“That’s really nice.” You smiled, sketching out the boundaries for the stars. The idea for this painting had come to you after waking from a dreamless sleep. You’d ended up researching for it for hours, making sure you were portraying accurate art. You couldn’t wait to present your concept next week.
“What about you?” He asked.
“Sorry?”
“You have a boyfriend?”
You blinked, a nervous laugh escaping you, “Um…not currently. I’m also…I guess, trying to focus on my art, and build a career from it”
He smiled at you, crossing his arms, “Guess we’re more alike than I thought”
You looked back at your canvas as he walked closer to you, “The temptation to understand your sketch is a lot. Can you give me a hint as to what it’s about?”
You slid your sketchbook towards him, where you’d drawn up a miniature version of the sketch, “All I can tell you now is that it’s…a landscape, inspired by my time in the city so far. I was walking home the other night and I couldn’t help but notice the night sky. I’ve always liked it, and I know it’s been overdone in art, but I wanted to explore a new side of it. Someone once told me that there’s no stars in the city, which just…sounds so sad. I was thinking along the lines of that. What do you think so far?”
He pushed his glasses up, a proud smile on his face, “I think that…I’m incredibly lucky to have you. I can't wait to see what you'll do with this”
Your eyes widened, unsure how to respond, “Um…I mean, we’re the lucky ones. We get to study under you, Professor”
He laughed, his voice echoing through the empty studio, “Stop calling me Professor. I think you and me are way past that, don’t you?”
“It’s…only appropriate.” You frowned, going back to work. That was weird. You don't think you would feel comfortable calling him by his first name. And then, you felt another stupid need to fill in the prolonged silence. He was here watching you after all, you could just ask him all the things you’d wondered for years, “Um, I wanted to ask. The painting about the moons. Celestial Fatality. Did you paint that when you were in college?”
He hummed mindlessly, not really answering your question, then he grabbed your sketchbook off the table. Eyebrows furrowed, he stared at it, "I think you can work on your perspective, but these are nice. These hands. You’ve drawn them countless times”
“Yeah” You felt embarrassed, and climbed off the table so you could also see what he was looking at, “It’s a friend from back home”
“Did you draw these from observation?” He asked, as you joined him at his side.
“Hmm. He really wanted me to draw his hands,” You said, recalling the time Hyunjin made you observe them.
Kim Jieong laughed, “Can’t blame him”
A nervous laugh escaped you at those words, “Yeah.” What did he mean by that? You reached to get your sketchbook back. Instead of handing it to you though, he sat down on the desk, turning the pages of your book, “These ones are pretty good too”
“Yeah” You nodded, taking a seat next to him, unsure of what to do, “I made those a while ago”
As he turned another page, something drifted out, landing on the floor. Your eyes widened, and you reached for it. The photobooth strip pictures of you and Hyunjin. You felt embarrassed, but thankfully, Kim Jieong didn’t notice or see them fall out. You grabbed them, hiding them between your palms on your lap. There was nothing wrong with him seeing them, but…it was embarrassing and stupid to carry around pictures of a boy who wasn’t even your boyfriend.
“You’re very talented” Kim Jieong spoke again, voice dropping low.
“Oh…thank you. It means a lot hearing it from someone like you”
He finally put your sketchbook to the side, looking right at you. He did look kind of intimidating in this light, towering over you, “This scholarship means a lot to you?”
You swallowed, feeling embarrassed, “Yeah. I could use the help. It’s an expensive life here, and I’d really appreciate it. Plus, the exhibition would be a great kickstart to…a career”
“The others don’t need the scholarship. They just want it so they can win” He said, then leaned forward, “Don’t the rich kids get on your nerves sometimes? They don’t act out of necessity, but you…” He pointed a soiled paintbrush at you, “You’re wonderful because… you’re desperate”
“I’m sorry?”
“Desperate to be seen, and respected. As an artist, I mean. I don’t mean that badly, but all great inventions are born out of necessity. I think that’s why you stand out from the rest”
You didn’t know how to take this compliment, “I guess”
“You know you have the potential to go so many places?” He asked, tilting his head, waving your sketchbook about in one hand. It was so dark in here, and the building was completely empty except for the two of you. This…felt increasingly inappropriate. You were in the studio after-hours with your professor and he was far too close for comfort. He was your favourite artist…but he was still a grown man and you didn’t want to overstep as a student.
“What do you mean?”
He shrugged and stepped closer to you, caging you against the table, “I mean, the right people can get you into any exhibition you dream of in the world. Paris, New York, Seoul. Isn’t that what you fantasise?”
An awkward chuckle escaped you. He was far too close to you, “Yeah. That’s the end goal. The scholarship…would definitely make it easier to get there”
Suddenly, the sound of roaring thunder distracted you and you looked to the windows. The clouds had now hidden the moon, casting a dark shadow over the entire art studio. A chill ran up your spine, and you suddenly felt uncomfortable at his proximity.
“Um..I think the last bus home leaves in twenty minutes. I’ll try to catch it” You stated, shooting him a smile and standing up.
You took your bag, but Kim Jieong grabbed your arm, pulling you back towards him, “You can always convince me”
“Sorry?” You fumbled, stupidly. You…had to have heard him wrong. What was he talking about?
He smiled sweetly, and in the dark, his glasses glittered, “If you won the scholarship, the other students wouldn’t question it, you’ve already proven your worth to everyone”
“Right” You were unsure what he was trying to say, or hinting at. What the fuck did he mean by saying that you could convince him? “I should really go”
“It’s pouring. You’ll catch your death out there, Y/N” He stated, pointing to the storm outside. You swallowed, his grip on your arm foreign, “That’s fine. I have an umbrella”
“Ridiculous. I’ll give you a ride home” He shook his head.
“You really don’t have to. I already feel bad for ruining your dinner”
“Oh, stop apologising, Y/N. Your sweet talk drives me mad sometimes” His hand moved from your arm to your waist, wrapping around it and he pulled you closer to his body, "You stress too much. You need to learn to let things go”
You took a step back, unsure how to process this, “Professor…”
He closed the distance, and his other hand grabbed your chin, voice low in the dark room, “Why do you seem so nervous? You don’t have to be around me. We’re just talking, aren’t we?”
“Right” You were having a hard time breathing, panic surging through you. He was right. Of course. He was your professor. He would never hurt you or make you uncomfortable. He was a living legend. You shouldn’t be nervous. He was just being kind to you. He was the only person you’d looked up to your entire life, the reason you’d tried so hard to come here, and he would never do something wrong.
“I can see you struggling in class, and I know you’re doing everything you can to prove your worth. I’ve asked you this before, about what your dream is. ” He spoke, voice as low as a whisper, fingers gripping your jaw.
“I…I don’t know what you mean” Your voice was shaking from the nerves, with no fucking idea how to navigate this situation. If you pushed him away, you’d lose all chance of winning the prize.
“Well….whatever it is” He smiled sweetly, and in the low light he looked less like the mentor you’d grown up loving and more menacing, “All you have to do…is ask me”
His eyes flickered to your lips, and back to your eyes. His grip on your waist was so tight, it felt like his palm was burning into your skin through your shirt. Had you somehow given him an alluded hint? He took a step even closer.
“I’m sorry….” You pushed him just enough so he wasn’t holding you anymore.
He looked surprised, eyes wide, and he laughed, “Y/N…What are you doing?” You grabbed your bag in a hurry, “I’m sorry. I should really go. The last bus…”
He called after you, but you rushed through the glass doors to the emergency stairwell. You didn’t want to be stuck in the elevator with him. You couldn’t breathe, legs moving off their own accord. A flash of lightning through the glass windows scared you, and you all but ran down the emergency stairwell, bag hanging off your shoulder, fists clenched. What the fuck. He obviously wasn’t making a move on you, right? You were just being paranoid. He was your professor. He was…the most famous artist in Seoul. He was the kindest person ever. You had to have been reading into things.
You pushed the heavy door open, walking out onto the street. It was pouring rain, and you let out a breath, taking in the air. The rain soaked through your clothes, and you were shivering. You wanted to call Hyunjin so he could pick you up and so you could cry in his arms, the only place where you'd feel safe, but he'd never even given you his new number. He clearly wanted nothing to do with you. You looked down at your hands, and in your tension…you’d completely crushed the photobooth strip to pieces.
Raindrops slowly trickled down, tracing the ruined paper in your palm. The only memory left of you and Hyunjin was now gone.
»»————-
You didn’t show up to class the next day. Or the next. Or the one after that.
You were still trying to wrap your head around it. Were you stupid for declining his advances and whatever he was suggesting? You couldn’t go back to class and face him. You’d be too embarrassed of your reaction. Maybe he wasn’t even suggesting anything and you jumped to conclusions. You had to have been imagining things. After all, he didn't actually do anything. Still, you’d ruined all your chances of getting the scholarship and succeeding in his class. What if he brought it up in class? What would the others think?
Your body was shaking from the cold. The heating in your apartment wasn’t working, so you sat on the floor, back to the kitchen counter, knees pulled up. You’d forgotten your huge canvas in class too, and it was probably in the garbage by now.
Your phone buzzed loudly, and Felix was calling. You picked up so he wouldn’t worry, but your voice sounded hollow, “Yes?”
“Babe. Where have you been? You’re not answering any texts the past week”
“I’m sorry…I got caught up in things. Is everything okay, Felix?”
“More than okay” He smiled on the other end, “I’m at the diner. They’re throwing a big party tonight! Apparently, it’s been ten years since it opened! Can you believe it?”
“Wow…it feels like we’d been going there our whole life”
“That’s what I said!” His excited voice came in, “So anyway for their anniversary celebration…all the drinks and food is free. You best believe I’m making full use of it”
You could hear so many familiar voices in the back, “Who all is there…?”
“Umm…well me and Minho, obviously. Hana’s here too. Seonmi, Eunbi and the others. Seungmin’s here as well.”
“Wow…I really wish I was there, Felix”
“Mm, I wish that too. Your apprenticeship better be worth it, Y/N. You’re missing all the good stuff. And everybody in Daejon misses you a lot. Mrs. Aera came up to me today and said the shop’s a mess without you haha”
“Really? It is? Mina isn’t taking care of it?”
“Ah, you know how Mina is. She can’t organise for the life of her. That shop was basically running because of you” He laughed, and you could hear him chew something.
“What are you eating?”
“Blueberry-chocolate waffles. There’s this new recipe Seonmi is trying out, and it’s so good. You should have it when you come back. How about you, love? Are you missing me a lot?”
“So much” You mumbled.
“Kim Jieong better be worth it” He sighed, “I guess I forgive you because you’ve been obsessed with him for years. Is he as dreamy as you imagined?”
“Um…” Your gut hurt, the memory of that night flooding through you, “Yeah. He’s…great”
“I’m sure he is” Felix chuckled, “I still remember how you stole all the magazines in the library that had his paintings in it”
“I didn’t steal them” You protested, “I just…borrowed them for a really long time”
He laughed, “To fawn all over your artist crush. I get it. And…what about your other lover? You accidentally bumped into him yet?”
You forced a smile, not having enough energy to protest that he wasn’t your lover, “No…I haven’t seen him”
“Well. Seoul isn’t that big, I’m sure you’ll find him. Or he’ll find you. Oh, I also forgot to tell you! A new cafe opened up in Daejon last week. It’s some fusion book-and-coffee cafe. They actually have the best coffee in town, no you didn’t hear me say that Seonmi” He started laughing, and you could hear them in the background. Suddenly, the past few months felt like a joke.
There were only two reasons you’d uprooted your life and come here. Now, you’d lost them both.
So why were you still here?
Maybe you had acted rashly. You thought you’d fit in here, and that this was where you were meant to be. You’d felt stuck there, but here you weren’t any better. You'd probably only found the courage to come here because you knew Hyunjin was here too, and that was clearly...not the right thing to do. He didn't even want you near him, or anywhere in his life. He had made that plenty clear.
“I think I made a mistake” You whispered.
“Sorry?” Felix asked, still laughing loudly, “What mistake?”
“Moving out…I shouldn’t have done that”
“Wait…what? What do you mean?”
“I think I should come home”
“You’re messing with me. Right?” Felix laughed, “Didn’t you want to move to the city since you were fifteen?”
“But I was a kid. I didn’t know anything. I had no idea what to expect”
“Y/N…what are you saying?”
“I was happy in Daejon. I should never have come to Seoul” You stood up, moving to your bedroom.
It was like a parasite, an idea festering into your brain and heart, that maybe this was the reason for this unhappiness. Things were perfect in Daejon. Why had you been complaining all your life? All of your happy memories were there, so the logical thing to do…was go back to where they were created. Then you’d be happy again. You hadn’t learnt how to be happy in this house, in this city, in this new life.
“Babe. I would be the happiest boy in the world if you came home to me, but maybe you should think this through. Did something happen? Why are you being like this?”
You grabbed your duffel bag off the shelf, “I can’t go back to class, Felix! I can’t. I messed up, big time”
“No, I’m sure you didn’t. You could never—”
“You don’t even know what happened!” You yelled. He fell silent on the other end, “Love. Just…what’s going on?”
You stared at your empty bag, “I’m…coming home. I should never have come here”
“Is that Y/N?” Minho’s familiar, comforting voice came in. You wanted to hug him and never let go. They were so far away. “Yeah” Felix responded to him, voice falling, “She says she’s…coming home”
“Give me the phone” Minho mumbled, “Y/N. What’s going on?”
You tossed your clothes in your bag, messily zipping it up, “I can’t stay here, Min”
“But what about the art classes?”
“If I don’t withdraw, I’ll probably be kicked out anyway” You mumbled, “I didn’t go to classes all week"
“You should think this through”
“I have thought it through! It was a stupid fucking mistake. One I needed to make. You know what they say anyway. The grass is greener on the other side. I just fell for the charms of the city, like everybody else”
“No disrespect but you’re making no sense” Minho’s voice was harsh, “You can’t just give up”
“Can you give the phone back to Felix please?” You asked.
“Fine” You heard it being passed around and then his voice came in, “Love. I’m here”
“Lix” You swallowed, “I know it seems like I’m being irrational, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I know it’s embarrassing and stupid, but maybe I was never supposed to be here”
Felix’s voice was so soft, calm, encouraging. You just needed to be near him, in his arms. “I believe you, Y/N. I’m gonna be okay with whatever you decide. I just really want you to think about this”
“I…I want to hug you, Lix” A sniffle escaped you, “I don’t want to go back to class” The idea had completely taken over you.
“Are you sure?”
“Nothing can make me stay” You swallowed. There was a sigh of resignation on the other end, and you knew he wouldn’t fight with you. He would agree with whatever you decided, and that’s what you needed right now. That’s why you called him, and not Yeonjun, or your other friends. Felix was the one person who wanted you home more than anything. He wouldn’t talk you out of it, even if this seemed like the stupidest decision you might be making.
“What do you need me to do?” He asked, voice soft on the other end. Relief spread through you, and you stopped to look at the window outside your apartment, “A train ticket.”
You could sublease your apartment. You could figure the rest out from the comfort of your real home. You could go back to Aera’s, and get your life in order. You’d find a way to love Felix back. After all, he was the only one who wanted you the way you needed to be wanted. Maybe you were destined for that kind of life after all, where everything stays the same everyday. But that’s good, it was safe. The boy you loved had made you think that you belonged in the city, but he couldn't be more wrong.
That’s what you told yourself, at least, ripping your paintings off the wall. In your short-lived time here, you’d made and put them up to feel less lonely. There’d be no room to carry them back, so you bunched them up, carrying them to the garbage disposal in your apartment. As you shoved them in the disposal, you felt nothing. The hallway was warmer than your apartment and it made you feel a tad better.
Your phone buzzed again, and Felix had sent you something. The train ticket he’d bought for you. It was for tomorrow morning. You knew that you could always trust Felix, with anything. He would always be there for you, if nothing else. Perhaps you'd taken your friendship with him for granted this whole time.
“Need some help?” Jeongin asked. He was coming up the stairs, probably after having heard your struggle with the garbage. You shot him a smile, nodding. He came over, helping you, “Are you redecorating?”
“You could say that…”
“Wait. Are these your paintings?” He realised, stopping halfway.
“Can you help me with something?” You looked at him. He looked confused, and he was frowning, “Um. Sure. What do you need help with?”
“My suitcases…I don’t think the elevator is working”
“Are you going somewhere?” He tilt his head, further confusion scrunching his face. In another life, you and Jeongin could have been really good friends.
“I’m just going home for a while” You mumbled, shutting the garbage door. For a while would be forever. He didn’t need to know that. It’s not like he would be sad, or miss your presence.
“Oh. Okay. Of course, I’ll be there in a bit”
Back in your apartment, your phone buzzed again. It was your groupchat with Jeonghan and Minnie. You skimmed through the messages, feeling regretful.
yn are you sick?
what’s going on?
professor jieong told us you weren’t eligible for the prize anymore
You turned your phone off, staring outside the little kitchen window. The traffic wasn’t as loud as usual. It was a quiet night.
You hugged yourself, trying to find a singular reason to stay. Why had you wanted this life for so long? It had given you nothing but heartbreak, yet a part of you was so sad about leaving tomorrow. You squeezed your eyes shut, a single tear escaping. Maybe you wanted a sign to stay, despite everything in you screaming to leave. When you opened you eyes, your reflection mirrored on the glass pane and then you saw it.
A snowflake drifting down. It twirled in place and your eyes followed its path before it settled on your ledge, quickly crumbling into nothingness.
And then more followed, a flurry of snow falling like stardust. It was beautiful, a cloud of white enveloping everything so quickly, covering the street below.
Your first snow in the city.
A bitter smile tugged at your lips.
The doorbell rang.
Jeongin was already here to help you with the bags.
So much for a sign.
You grabbed your duffel, and your suitcase, wheeling it out. The quicker you moved with things, the easier it would be. Reaching for the rusty brass doorknob, you pulled the door open.
“Can you take this one? I’ll bring the other” You mumbled, pushing your things out. He nodded, still seemingly confused but he asked no questions, “What time’s your train?”
“In a few hours” You glanced at your phone, “But if there’s going to be a snowstorm, I’d prefer being at the station early…”
He grinned, still so happy and you wish he could share his secrets of eternal happiness, “Smart move. If it was me, I’d probably miss my train. Can’t tell you how many times that’s happened”
You smiled at him, “I can’t afford that”
“I called a taxi cab for you” He said. You nodded, “I’ll meet you downstairs. Thank you, Jeongin”
You stepped back into your apartment. There wasn’t much you’d brought with you, so there wasn’t much you had to take back. You’d never grown fond of this apartment. It had always felt like an inbetween place, while you waited your life to be perfect. Waiting was doing no favours for you.
You shoved your sketchbook into your duffel, putting on your coat before closing the apartment door behind you, and your throat closed up as you realised what you were doing. This was so fucking stupid, and this was rash but what else could you even do? Maybe you could come back to the city in the future if you wanted, but right now it was a terrible decision. You would go back home and you would hug Felix, and maybe you would kiss him and the ache in your heart would be better. The thought of his arms around you, as someone who genuinely cared about you, already made you want to cry.
You unceremoniously dragged your bag across the landing, and the taxi must have arrived already because you heard a loud honk.
It was freezing in the otherwise heated hallway. Your breaths came out in soft mists.
The door downstairs must have been left open, sending cold winds and flurries of snowflakes up the apartment.
Jeongin would never forget to do that…
As you approached the top step with your bags, you realised who’d left it open.
Draped in a beige trench coat, cheeks red from the cold, Hyunjin stood at the bottom of your staircase.
»»————-
masterlist ⇒
please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you :)
#hyunjin x reader#hyunjin angst#hyunjin smut#skz x reader#fluff#hwang hyunjin x reader#fanfiction#skz imagines
649 notes
·
View notes
Text
Happy Birthday to Me - Yunho
•pairing: dom!yunho x sub!fem!reader
•word count: 2.7k
•tags: mdni, established relationship, heavy smut, consensual non-consent (rape play), it's reader's birthday, degrading, taunting/teasing, predator/prey play (if you squint), reader says stop-but doesn't mean it, reader begging, name calling, hair pulling, knife play
Summary: It's your birthday and Yunho finally acts on that promise he has made for you so long ago.
A/N: This fic contains rape play/cnc (consensual non-consent). Please read at your own risk! Also let me know what you think! Happy reading!
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆───
Yunho has been so busy lately with his idol schedules. He was busy preparing for comebacks, working on promotions while also filming his individual content, leaving very little time for you two to hang out together. He knew your birthday was coming up and he wanted to do something special for you, but he just didn’t know if he’d have the time. He had something planned in his head, but was afraid to do it. Since you have been dating for a considerable amount of time, you both got to share your wants and fantasies with each other, and there was something that you brought up to him, that he would be willing to try, but was afraid of how it might affect you. Yunho wasn’t average sized by any means; tall, long, and hands with fingers that could reach all the right places - he was terrified to hurt you in any way, but he knew how much this meant to you and was willing to do anything to help this fantasy come true. The real trick to this fantasy was that you were not supposed to know when he was going to do it. Due to Yunho’s kind hearted nature, he wanted to make sure you were mentally prepared for it at all times, but the thrill for you is not knowing when it’s going to happen.
It was the day of your birthday. You were sitting alone on the couch when Yunho opened and walked through the door. He came home way earlier than the both of you expected so you were thrilled to death! You ran up and hugged him tightly.
“I’m happy to see you too princess~.” he said softly as he kissed the top of your head. “Oh, happy birthday by the way!”
“Thank you Yunho! You’re the best birthday gift I could ask for.” you nuzzled your face into his chest, happy to feel his warm embrace. You felt him take a deep breath and when you looked up, he was yawning. His eyes were slightly bloodshot, had darker than usual circles under his eyes, and his eyelids were droopy.
“Tired my love?” you said as you tilted your head up and rested your chin on his chest.
“Ugh, yes. I’m sorry princess but could I save your special gift till tomorrow?” He said as he rubbed your back. Your heart sank into your stomach. He had been teasing saying there was a chance he would fulfill your fantasy on your birthday, but to not hold your breath on it, for obvious reasons. Yunho was good at keeping promises, so for him to have to hold off made you a bit upset.
“I guess it’s okay.” you responded with a slight pout.
“I know and I’m sorry..I’m just not feeling it today. I do have a slight favor to ask though.”
“Yes?”
“Could you possibly make me some tea? My throat is killing me after today.”
“I can’t say no to you~.” you responded softly and went on your way to make his tea. Despite that pitted feeling in your stomach, you still loved him with all your heart and were going to do anything to help him to relax.
“Thank you sweetheart~. I’ll be in our room waiting.” he said with a wink before he made his way to your shared room.
You quickly began to make his tea and you knew exactly how he liked it, because you liked yours the exact same way. You got out all the necessary materials to make tea and began to warm the water. Softly dancing to pass the time, swaying your hips and humming that song you could not get out of your head, you hear Yunho’s voice from the other room.
“Almost done~?” Yunho shouted from the room he was in. Smirking, you decided to toy with him since he seemed to be in such a rush.
“Well now I’m going to take even longer~!”
“Better not!” he responds. Thankfully at this point the water had gotten hot and was ready for the tea bag to steep. You gently carried the cup and stopped at the door frame to shout back at him.
“And if I do~?”
“Well you don’t want to find out.” There was a mysterious tone to his voice that you had missed at the time, too busy toying with your beloved boyfriend.
“Maybe I do want to find out?”
“Fine, wait then.” he replies harshly. You then started to feel a bit guilty thinking that maybe he wasn’t in the mood for teasing and just wanted to relax after such a long day.
“No! I’m sorry!” you apologized and continued your trip back to the room with the teacup in hand. You got to the door and apologized again before entering and noticed that Yunho was nowhere to be found. You checked every corner of the room thinking he was just in a blind spot from where you were standing, but he was not in the room at all.
“Yunho?” you called out confused, hoping to hear a response, but there was nothing. You set the cup down on his nightstand and smirked, thinking that maybe he was toying with you this time. You searched the room slowly, smiling the whole time.
“I wonder where he is~?” you hummed as you continued to look around, bending over to check under surfaces that you knew he would not fit under, but still did just for fun. He couldn’t have been hiding in this room as there wasn’t really anywhere good for him to hide since he is so tall.
“This is supposed to be the other way around babe~. I’m the one who should be hiding.” you said a bit louder hoping that if he was in a different room, he would hear you and come over.
Shortly after you said that, you heard a noise from behind you. You quickly turned around to look, but there was nothing out of place. You shook your head thinking you were just hearing things when all of the sudden, a pair of hands harshly grabbed your wrists, pulled them together behind your back, then one hand covered your mouth. You flinched at the aggressive behavior from this mysterious person and let out a small gasp. Eyes open wide in fear and your heart rate starts increasing, the person who was behind you let out a sinister chuckle. You frantically looked around to try to get an idea on if this was indeed an intruder or just your boyfriend playing a joke, regardless you felt wetness pooling underneath.
“Yu-Yunho?” you squeaked out thinking whoever it was hearing your panicked voice, they would stop. The hand wrapped over your mouth gently slid down to your chest and you felt a warm breath on your neck, lips of the anonymous being touching your skin.
“That’s right love~” he said with a deep tone. Yunho laid gentle kisses upon your neck, making sure to hit all your sweet spots, before pulling away softly and just whispering, “Sorry for what I’m about to do.” Your mind was running a thousand miles an hour at this point and had no time to process the intention behind his words. Just as quick as the first action, Yunho had your pants ripped down to your ankles, wrists duct-taped together, and bent over the edge of the bed with your ass straight up in the air.
“S-stop this isn’t funny!” you stuttered and you could feel your heartbeat in your head. You could not fathom what was happening to you right now. Was Yunho actually going to follow through with his promise? He just decided to say he wasn’t feeling it to get your mind off the possibility of it happening? Millions of questions were running through your mind but all of it stopped when you suddenly felt the tip of his cock near your wet entrance. Your mind went blank and could only focus on the intensity of the situation and how it was making you feel.
“N-no! P-please no!” you whimpered. Both of Yunho’s hands gripped harshly on your hips and he began to pound into you with all his might. You couldn’t help but scream into the covers at the sudden intrusion.
“I can’t wait to break this whore~!” Yunho shouts as he lifts one of his hands and gives your ass a firm smack. The aggressive behavior that is coming from him was something you had never seen before, but you absolutely loved it in this scenario. You whined at the burning sensation that was coming from the skin around your ass, definitely certain there was a big, red, handprint forming. Yunho kept pounding into you with full force and gripping onto the sides of your hips, not caring how many marks he was making in your skin. Knowing that your fantasy was actually coming true now, you decided to play along with him to make it as authentic as possible.
“P-Please I-I-” the words would not come out. The shear pleasure and anxiety that was coursing through your body was enough to make it start to shake.
“Just shut up and take it whore!” Yunho screams at you as he takes one of his hands off your hip, grabs your head and pushes it in the bed. The unholy moan that made its way out of your throat would definitely be concerning to most people, but you could care less at the moment. The force of Yunho’s thrusts just felt so damn good. Your legs buckled from underneath you and you could tell your body was starting to give in.
“Fuck Y/N! You feel so fucking good right now!” Yunho said through gritted teeth and his grip on your head tightened as he continued to pound into you like no tomorrow. His thrusts were getting so intense that tears started to form at the corner of your eyes. His cock was filling every inch inside you and with how deep and hard he was fucking you, it felt like he would burst through your throat. This man is an absolute beast.
“P-Please stop!” you cried out. Yunho then took his hand that’s on your head and gripped harshly onto your hair, slightly tugging towards him to lift your head up off the bed.
“I’ll stop when I please~” he snapped. You couldn’t help but let out a groan as he gripped your hair, getting chills down your spine. Yunho heard this and it only made him more crazy. Tugging harder on your hair and lifting your head up so he could look at your pretty face. Your eyes closed in ecstasy and you whined with your mouth closed, which only made it sound like a moan.
“I knew that this slut was liking it~!” he growled and pushed your head back onto the bed, pulling your ass up further so it was directly against him. His whole dick still shoved inside of you, never leaving its place. If anything, this new angle you were in, only made it easier for him to reach your sweet spot.
“P-please!” you cried out, only for your plea to be muffled by the sheets on the bed.
“Asking for more~? As you wish~” Yunho grabs onto your hips and forces you into his thrusts.
“N-no!” you threatened, but shortly after moaned out at the feeling of him gripping your sides and pushing you against him. With every pull towards him, he pushed himself further in. Yunho smirked seeing and hearing at what a mess you were underneath him. Never did he think you would enjoy this torture so much. He lifts a hand off your hip and smacks it against your ass hard.
“What was that slut~?” he teased, slowing his thrusts down to let you respond.
“I-I said no!” you retaliated, squeezing your eyes shut at the stinging feeling on your cheek.
“I don’t give a fuck what you say!”
Just as quickly as he stopped, he started pounding hard into you again. Yunho was too damn good at this. You knew that he had incredible stamina, but you had no idea that he could continue the roughness for so long. Coming back to your senses, you feel your insides start to twist and you knew that you would come undone soon if he kept this up. Yunho thrusted into you and this time he hit your g-spot with an undeniable aggression which led you to scream and whine out really loudly. Suddenly, you felt a cold, sharp, metal object lightly against your neck. Your entire body froze and you opened your eyes wide in fear. You felt Yunho lean in closer to you, lips almost touching your ear as he softly said,
“Ah ah ah~ can’t have you screaming and have someone hear, right~?” All you could do was let out a whimper. He had knocked you completely into submission with the introduction of the knife. Yunho chuckled menacingly and leaned back to start thrusting into you again, leaving the knife gently against the side of your neck.
“Y-Yunho, p-please! S-stop!” you moaned out, but he had no intention of stopping until you were finished. He pushed the knife into your neck a little bit more and picked up his thrusts again. You couldn’t help but let out a tiny sob from fear, which wasn’t *really* fear, it was more like overstimulation.
“Ohh, is the little bitch crying~?” Yunho mocked. He took the knife away from your neck, rested the tip of the blade under your chin and tilted your head up gently with the knife tip. “Good~” he says sinisterly.
“W-what do I need to do to m-make you stop?” you say with your voice breaking from overstimulation.
“Oh please~ like you would be able to make me stop~.” You hear Yunho softly chuckle from behind you. “I’ll. Stop. When. I’m. Done.” he thrust hard into you after each word. With every thrust inside of you, you whimpered from the sensation.
“Mmm, those pathetic whimpers~”
“F-fuck~” you softly moan and quickly bit your lip as to not let Yunho hear.
“Hmm, what was that~? Say that one more time darling~.” Yunho says before he slams himself inside of you again. The sudden action caused you to cuss out. You couldn’t control your breathing. You tilted your head down and let your mouth hang open to let any future moans just come out.
“Atta girl~” he says deeply and softly rubs your ass. You were practically drooling from the sensation. Yunho was fucking you too good to not be feeling this way right now.
“I-it hurts…p-please!” you called out pathetically. You were so close to breaking but you didn’t want to admit it to take the fun away from him.
“Luckily for you~.” he groans as he does a couple more thrusts and you feel his cock pulse inside you as he fills you with his load. Feeling him twitch inside you sent you over the edge as well. You let out a series of ‘no’s’, each one getting progressively louder until you released and you gripped the bedsheets hard as you finished out your high. You heard Yunho chuckle from behind you.
“Good girl~,” he whispers in your ear as he frees you from your restraints. You softly fall face first onto the bed and try to catch your breath. “Happy Birthday by the way~.”
“T-thank you baby~” you respond while heavily breathing and your voice muffled from a face full of bedsheets. You feel Yunho gently rub his finger over your soaking, wet, entrance and you let out a moan and shuttered from the overstimulation. The weight on the bed shifts and you realize that Yunho is sitting next to you. You roll over onto your back and gaze at the ceiling, still breathing deeply.
“Someone had fun~.”
“Mmhm~,” you softly nod and close your eyes. Yunho gently kisses you and you smile. “Thank you baby~.”
“You’re welcome slut- I-I mean dear~” You both lightly chuckle and before you know it, you both are passed out laying next to each other on the bed.
#yunho x reader#jeong yunho x reader#ateez x reader#ateez imagines#yunho imagines#yunho smut#ateez smut#kpop writers#ateez#ateez fic#ateez imagine#kpop#yunho fic#jeong yunho fic#yunho x y/n#yunho#jeong yunho#smut#ateez yunho#kpop fanfic
780 notes
·
View notes
Note
congrats on 100 followers! I just started reading your work because of ur prompt post and you do notttt disappoint!! soooo I want to request Zoro w lovers rock BUT SPECIFICALLY the end dialogue
“Now, how many men have you kissed?”
“Very few. “
“But you offered me a kiss. Why?”
“Such a foolish reason, I'm afraid. I just wanted to kiss you. “
- 🍙
Such A Foolish Reason
Pairing: Roronoa Zoro x reader
Content: reader is usually kind of a flirt and Zoro is unsure of how much they actually like him!
Word Count: 0.6k
A/N: another request from my 100 follower event! ty for the submission @🍙 and i hope you like it! <3
You had already determined that Zoro wasn’t going to make the first move, no matter how glaringly obvious you made your feelings for him. The man was simply out of his breadth, and too unsure of how to navigate this sort of emotional territory. That didn’t through you off though; you still want him more and more every day. So eventually you had taken it upon yourself to initiate the first kiss, since you could barely contain the depth of your feelings for him any longer. Every moment around the swordsman is like a game of “will they? won’t they?” at this point.
But no matter how badly you desire Zoro, you can’t just dive straight into him into a kiss the way you want to. He’s not the kind of person to do things without being sure, and neither are you. Even something as simple as kissing would require a straightforward request and, hopefully, he would agree to it.
Ever so hesitantly, you turn to Zoro one starry night at sea. His sharp jawline is turned away from you, and his eyes are trained on the waves down below. You hate that he’s so concentrated on the ocean when you’re sitting right there, shoulder to shoulder with him. Because tonight, all you want is to be the focus of that intense stare.
“Zoro”, you whisper, and he responds with a grunt, “I have to ask you something.”
Finally, he turns to face you. His irises sweep across your starlit features, then come back to meet your own eyes. From the way your pupils are blown wider than usual and your soft, glossed bottom lip is being bitten under the top, he gathers that you’re nervous. It’s strange, for someone of your confidence and boldness. “Yeah?”
“Can I kiss you?”
A furious blush ignites and burns across his cheeks in a matter of seconds. And though he’s unsure of how to respond in words, Zoro can at least nod.
Your palm finds its way over his jaw as you tilt his face so that it will align with yours. His skin is softer than expected; so soft that you give into the temptation to simply run your thumb across his cheek. It’s warm, which isn’t surprising given how pink he’s turned.
Zoro expects that you must have done this a thousand times to be able to touch him with such great care. To make him feel so strongly that his mind is scattered and he can barely get his thoughts in order. He’s engrossed in the feeling of you.
From your point of view, Zoro has simply gone quiet again. But you can feel the furious beat of his heart through his neck’s pulse-
“How many men have you kissed?” One of the thoughts manage to tactlessly slip out.
You immediately stop and hesitantly pull back “Very few.” Though your reputation as a heartbreaker precedes you, you rarely find yourself falling hard enough to do much of anything with the men you flirt with. Most of the time, it’s only to get things out of them; directions, supplies, etcetera.
This surprises Zoro. “But… You offered me a kiss. Why?”
The corners of your mouth curl upwards as you smile bashfully. “It’s a foolish reason, I’m afraid. I just…” You trail off with a shrug, and Zoro leans in- hooked on your every word. “Wanted to kiss you.”
And so, you do.
#fanfic#one piece x reader#one piece#one piece x you#x reader#zoro x reader#zoro x y/n#zoro x you#zoro fanfiction#zoro fluff#roronoa zoro#zoro drabble#drabble
172 notes
·
View notes
Text
Pancakes
Rick Grimes x Fem!Reader
Summary- You're Judith's babysitter in Alexandria and your kind gesture backfires.
Content information: 18+, angsty Rick, age gap (20s and 40s), awkward as FUCK, there would be smut if I continued
"Rick, I found the perfect candidate to take care of Judith while you're working." Deanna announced with her signature friendly smile.
Currently sitting in her make-shift office, Rick raised his brow because she had told him there were 'important matters' to discuss. "This' what you wanted to tell me? I already told'ya, m'not comfortable with anyone besides the people in my group takin' care of her. Carl and Carol are takin' turns."
Deanna sighed and reasoned, "I understand, I completely do. I would be hesitant to allow strangers to take care of my child, but we aren't strangers here. We are a community of good people. Carl's still a kid and he shouldn't have be a primary care taker for his little sister. Carol is a valuable asset to this community and I need her to do other jobs. This leaves only one option, and that's to find a babysitter for Judith."
"No, absolutely not. There ain't a single person here I would trust with that," Rick interrupted.
Deanna ignored his protest and continued, "You trust me though, don't you? Thats why when I thought about it, I decided that my daughter could take care of yours."
Rick eye brows furrowed in surprise at her suggestion. "Your daughter?" He repeated in confusion.
"Yes, she's my oldest. She doesn't have kids, but she's taken care of plenty of babies," Deanna explains.
Rick pondered it for a moment. He realized Deanna had a point about Carl and Carol, but having a stranger taking care of Judith made his stomach turn. However, it was better to have Deanna's own daughter taking care of Judith than some random civilian in Alexandria. He had only caught a glimpse of you during the welcome party, before you disappeared into a group of people. "Don't you have some more important job for your own daughter?" He inquired.
Deanna chuckled at his suspicion. "She used to go on runs, but I don't want her out there anymore. She'll make a great babysitter for you, until I find another job for her that doesn't involve going outside of the walls."
"I'll think about it" was all he said before getting up and heading towards the door. 'These next few weeks are gonna be long.' He mentally groaned.
The next day, Rick was met with a knock on the door while getting ready. He quickly slid on a plain white shirt and some black jeans before opening the door.
You greeted him in a friendly voice, "Hi, I'm Y/N Monroe, Deanna's daughter. I'm here to look after Judith."
Rick's eyes scanned over you, momentarily forgetting what you just said as he analyzed you. His eyes traced every detail on your face and clothing. He finally spoke, "Rick Grimes. Y'can come in." He moved from the door way and let you inside the house. You could feel his watchful eyes drilling a hole in the back of your head as you stepped inside. The silence was deafening.
You turned to Rick and asked curiously, "Where is she?"
"She's asleep right now. I'll show you 'round for now," he answered and began walking toward the kitchen. Rick opened some cabinets and explained where Judith's food and toys were. "Feel free to help yourself to anything, just make sure Judith is well taken care of," he added.
"Thank you, and don't worry, she's in good hands." You assured and patted his back. He stared down at you, trying to figure you out, before Judith's cries snapped him out of his thoughts.
You both made your way to Judith's crib and he scooped her up. He goes on to say, "She's fussy in the mornings 'cause she's hungry. She usually only cries if she's hungry, needs to be changed, or if she tired."
You can't help but giggle at his serious explanations for the obvious. "I know how a baby works, Rick. This isn't the first one I've ever taken care of," You playfully retort and reach out to hold Judith.
He feels some embarrassment from his explanation and hands her over to you cautiously. "Jus' making sure," He admits. Judith curiously studies you as you rock her in your arms. Your attention and drawn back to Rick when he states, "I better get ready for work. I'll let Carl and Carol know you'll be taking over, for today." He muttered the last part as he exited the room.
After Judith calmed down, you brought her to the kitchen and sat her down in her high chair. You brought a spoonful of applesauce to her mouth, which she happily scarfed down. Rick's suspicions of you were justified since he didn't know you, but it slightly irritated you. While feeding Judith and hearing her coos, an idea hit you. 'Maybe I could win him over with food.'
You cleaned Judith up quickly started breakfast for Rick and Carl. Putting on an apron you found laying around and tying your hair back, you got to work. Making do with what was in the pantry, you were able to make blueberry oat pancakes with honey syrup. The blueberry aroma filled the house. Just as you had finished up, Carl came out of his room.
He rushed down the stairs to see what the delicious smell was from, and possibly taste it. When he finally reached the kitchen, he awkwardly introduced himself and picked Judith up from her high chair, "Oh, uh, hello. I'm Carl." His father had told him about a babysitter for Judith, but he was still surprised to see that you were the reason for the yummy smell.
"Good mornin'. I'm Y/N, I'll be babysitting Judith. Would you like some blueberry oat pancakes?" You replied with a kind smile and he quickly nodded his head. He sat down at the table and you placed a plate of food down in front of him. Without any hesitation, he dug into the pancakes. You gave Judith some nibbles of pancake as well since she watched Carl with interest.
Rick walked down the stairs, fully dressed in his constable uniform. It consisted of black jeans, a blue button up, a tie, and a jacket. He looked just as scrumptious as the pancakes. Carl briefly looked away from the food to greet him, but immediately went back to it afterwards. You on the other hand, had a hard time taking your eyes off him.
"What did'ya make?" He asked curiously and walked towards you. The pleasant aroma of blueberries and honey had caught his attention, just as you planned.
"Blueberry oat pancakes with honey syrup. Would you like some?" You softly replied, getting shy at his close proximity. He was taking in the sight of you in the apron with your hair pulled back, you were stunning. His paranoid opinion of you from had clouded his brain, stopping him from noticing this earlier. But of course, he would never make any advances to you. You were much younger than him, and you were just doing your job. Right?
"I'd love some," He answered and watched as you prepared him a plate of the blueberry oat pancakes. You handed him the plate, accidentally brushing your soft and gentle hand over his rough and calloused ones. The touch sent a rush of heat through your body and his. He did a quick head nod to show his appreciation for the food walked towards the table.
Rick closely inspected the food when you turned your focus to the dishes. He cut a piece of pancake and observed it as if it were some kind of laboratory creation. Carl noticed his fathers behavior and insisted, “C’mon dad, it’s not like she poisoned it or something.”
Rick shot his son a look before hesitantly putting the forkful of pancake into his mouth. His eyebrows raised in surprise when he tasted the flavorful masterpiece. You turned away from the dishes to see his reaction to your cooking. “I hope you guys liked it, I know this little one did,” you asked as you moved towards the table and picked Judith up.
Rick straightened up a bit, savoring the taste in his mouth. "They're real good. Lori used to make 'em every sunday and they were awful, but god, I miss her..." He trailed off, realizing he had just brought up a piece of his past with a stranger. The atmosphere in the room shifted into a tense and awkward fog. Carl's eyes darted from his empty plate to Rick.
You weren't really sure what to say to the random burst of grief, so you simply responded with, "I'm sorry, if you ever need to talk about it, I'm here." Before Rick could reply, Carl quickly thanked you for the food and rushed out of the house. He didn't even bother taking his plate to the sink.
Rick muttered a "thank you" and stood up from his chair without finishing his food. You watched in disappointment as he walked out, the sound of the front door slamming echoing in the silent room. As if on queue, Judith began to cry.
🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐🫐
Ik u probably hate me for that ending, but that’s what you guys get for not making requests 😊
#rick grimes#the walking dead#rick grimes fanfiction#rick grimes fluff#rick grimes imagine#rick grimes smut#rick grimes x oc#rick grimes x reader#rick grimes x y/n#rick grimes x you
151 notes
·
View notes
Note
hihiii pookie :DD!!
tw// mentions of depression
i'm wondering if you could maybe write a comfort fic about miles 42 with a reader who hates asking for help even when theyre clearly suffering in silence because they were taught to just 'suck it up' and deal with it alone as a kid?
you dont have to write this if you dont feel comfortable with it <33
Thank you pooks :33!!
hi pooks @jrrantss <:DD oh man, okay so i was kind of that kid back then too (though i was a big crybaby) it's like the adults around me didn't fully comprehend why i was feeling the way i was, so in response to that, they basically condemned crying at home or in front of them. i'm sorry if you went through something similar or, hopefully not, something worse ;-; i hope this provides you some comfort, and in a way, might also let you know you aren't the only one going through stuff like this. i'm here for you pookie, all the time <:)
(reblogs are greatly appreciated, it helps get my content out there! if you guys like what you see, please reblog it too <:D)
you can be honest with me. – miles 42 x reader (angst + comfort)
nothing went your way this week, hell, you couldn't even remember a week in your life when anything felt right, when you didn't feel that you were holding yourself back from letting go of everything that felt wrong, awful, and just... painful. you were too good at keeping secrets, too good at lying about how you really felt; and that was something you hated about yourself, how you found lying as your first nature, not your second. you lied to people when they'd ask you if you were doing okay, if your day was going alright–you always gave them the answers they want to hear, that you were fine, that nothing was wrong.
but when everything just comes crumbling down, and the cracks in your facade begin to show and become more obvious... you get more and more defensive, more and more angry, more and more... scared and worried about these feelings that are hurling themselves at you so quickly that you can't even begin to understand why they're affecting you so badly–why people can see the bare you now if you just turn your face to look at them or open your mouth to speak; and your boyfriend was the first person to see you this way, vulnerable, yet trying all you can to avoid that vulnerability while you're crumbling down.
"hey," miles calls out to you in a soft voice as he sees your back turned to him as you kept working on your assignments, hunched over at your desk with your brows furrowed together and your lips curved into a scowl. you had been avoiding him for a few days now–at least he thinks you might be avoiding him–and have acted very distant, very... out of it recently. you didn't turn your head around to face him, which prompted him to continue talking, hopefully so you could find a reason to face him and his worried eyes. "you've, um... you've been busy lately." "uh-huh." you hummed as you tapped the end of your pencil against your desk impatiently, racking your brain for the answer to the questions written down that all seemed to blur together as the shittiness of the previous days just irritated you even more, and the worst part was... you couldn't hide the fact you can't mask ot anymore.
miles' face contorted as he got more and more worried about you, not knowing why you were acting starkly different than the usual you, or the only you he was familiar with. he extended his hand out to you as he walked over, looking at your cluttered up papers on your desk and the smudged up marks on the paper from your erasures. "...is something wr–" "everything's fine, i'm fine, i'm just peachy!" "you don't sound very convincing." he said, his voice returning to his nonchalant, cool tone as he took a small glimpse at your face before you turned away from his field of vision.
he sat in the chair next to you and wrapped his arm around you in an effort to comfort you. "cielo, sonething's up with you. are you... are you sure you don't wanna let me help?" he asked you with a soft voice, hoping he didn't overstep any boundaries as you slowly turned your head to show him a bit of your face. there were tears in your eyes, though you didn't dare let miles see them fall down your face; there was a sob stuck in your throat, but you didn't dare let miles hear it escape your lips. you had been there before, being severely troubled for more things than just homework–but never had you been advised to do anything than the age old phrases you've heard all your life as a kid: 'get over it.'
you took in a deep breath and tried to tell him what those words you've exhausted yourself from saying all the damn time–that you don't need any help, that you've got this, that you're okay... but your body's betraying you right now. it's betraying you for turning your back on your own feelings, but that... was never your fault, never. as you let out the breath you've been holding in, the hot tears came streaking down the ends of your eyes, your scowl morphing into a sad frown as you felt yourself slowly come undone and all the raging thoughts in your mind boiled down into one thought right then and there: 'fuck no, i am far from okay'.
you had one tear come down, then two, then... a whole waterfall of tears came pouring down your eyes as you finally released that sob you had been desperately keeping in. you had released it out into the air as it mingled with miles' shushing and gentle whispers as he held you while you leaned against him, wailing as you tried telling him how nothing had been right lately. you choked out in broken cries how you desperately wanted a way out of everything horrible that's been happening but you didn't want anyone else to be bothered by your 'stupid, insignificant problems'.
"i just... want to be okay... but i can't even pretend to be okay for at least one damn day." "please, stop pretending, mi vida. it's hurting me how you... how you think it's strength to rake up everything by yourself... when you clearly need help." miles said with a cracked voice as he felt himself choke up at your melancholic state. you cried even more out of guilt that you saddened miles, but he kissed your forehead, cheek–your whole face as he murmured words of reassurance, of love, to you to calm you down and comfort you. "you're not alone, not anymore... i don't care if some idiots in your life want you to deal with alone, never to bother them–you're never a bother to me, got that?" he mutters to you as he holds you close, letting you sob into his shoulder, your sobs getting louder and louder all the while. he shushes you and rubs your back gently, kissing your wet cheeks as he keeps reminding you that no matter what you're going through, what problems you're having, he's always going to be there for you–be the help you'll need, one way or another.
"please, don't be scared, mi vida... you can be honest with me. i promised to love you with all my heart, protect you, and... always be the help you'll need."
he whispered to you as he looked into your eyes and gently wiped your tears away and leaned his forehead against yours, hoping you would be more lenient, more understanding towards yourself and your own needs; and that you wouldn't hesitate to ask him for help. because even if you don't ask him to, he'll be there to help you, be there to guide you, be there to comfort you the best he can. because he loves you, and knows you deserve more than what you think you deserve, that you deserve... the best of the best, and nothing less.
tags !! @ii01vq @luvstarrstruck @maxoloqy @k4tsu3 @solecitoszn @toneystank-3000 @fiannee @popeheywardssecretgf @lovefrominaya @onginlove @meowmoraless @q2ie @zalayni @anikaluv @conitagray
#earth 42 miles morales#earth 42 miles morales x reader#earth 42 miles morales x you#earth 42 miles morales x y/n#earth 42 miles morales comfort#earth 42 miles#earth 42 miles x reader#e42 miles x reader#miles 42#miles 42 x reader#atsv#atsv comfort#atsv imagines#atsv x reader#atsv x you#atsv x y/n#spiderverse#across the spiderverse#spiderman across the spiderverse#spiderman across the spiderverse x reader
386 notes
·
View notes
Text
second. damn your love.
masterlist
pairing: james x fem!reader.
content warnings: james being kind of an ass, cheating on lily, lily will be probably shit talked (i luv her i'm very sorry !), mistress!reader, uhhh cursing, not totally AU but like... canon divergent i would say. probably hurt/no comfort unless i switch the ending but--
worth mentioning: reader insert with no use of names or “y/n”. paragraphs completely in italic are flashbacks. pro quidditch player!james. muggle born!reader.
word count: 2,2k
previous chapter
chapter 2
for some reason unknown to you, it hadn't taken james as long as usual to give you any sign that he still remembered your existence after being with you. surprisingly, on the same day after dropping you off at home and rushing to be with his girlfriend, he sent you a message through his patronus (much too recklessly as you lived in a majorly muggle neighbourhood), apologizing for what had happened.
normally, you would believe his words, and then become disappointed. however, after what happened, you didn't believe anything he said, you knew he wasn't sorry and you knew you probably wouldn't be seeing him for a while.
all you felt like doing was laying down, still feeling completely shaken, disappointed, angry... betrayed, and it took you a while to stop crying, you couldn't believe how easy it was to manipulate you, two days together and you actually started to think things were changing.
ingenuity or just the hard truth: it was easier to let yourself believe it.
luckily, or not, you still had your commitment to your responsibilities, if not your pride, you would try to maintain that instead, so the best decision was to get yourself together as best as you could the next day and go to work.
even though you lived mostly among muggles, a decision you had made long before graduating hogwarts, you still ended up in a ministry job, an obliviator. not the most glamorous, and a lot of times you thought about getting a muggle job, but years went on and you got comfortable with it. sometimes being able to forget is the best option there is.
so got yourself together you did, the best as you could included showing up office ready and giving off the obvious energy that you did not want to be perturbed, especially after taking the tube half an hour later than you normally would, too loud, too full, it was probably one of the few times over the last years you wished you could just apparate in front of the right phone cabin. but an obliviator risking wizarding secrecy would be too much of an hypocrisy.
you made sure you wouldn't be making any field work, taking the liberty to be shut in your office filling paperwork and crying, as any mature woman would if they were in your shoes: exhausted from hating yourself because you knew you were an excellent witch, a strong-willed independent woman and still, every time james potter smiled at you, you felt nothing but weakness.
and there it was, the weakness as soon as you left the ministry building and felt his gaze upon you, simply leaning against the wall, his arms crossed, his face completely relaxed.
your hands went straight to your eyes, reminding yourself of their appearance, you looked up at the sky for a few seconds and wondered if there was a god, because it didn't matter how much you begged either merlin or godric, you still didn't get one single moment of peace.
"were you crying?" he asked straight away, without even explaining why he was there. you shook your head denying it and found refuge for eyes on your feet. "you're a terrible liar."
"i don't think you know me that well anymore," you sighed and tried your best to look at him firmly. "no car today?"
"i don't indulge on those very often, apparition is still a thing, you know?" you tried your very best not to roll your eyes at the arrogance he displayed, favoring instead the idea that he had the car for the weekend to please you. "you ignored my patronus, i feel like you probably didn't even check your mail, my poor owl working over time for nothing, and you're the only witch i know who doesn't have a bloody fireplace. kinda got worried that you were mad at me." his lips formed the pout you knew so well, and you had to bite you lips to prevent yourself from smiling.
"not having the fireplace goes hand in hand with the anti-apparition charm on my apartment." you shrugged, it was a way to avoid unwanted guests, so he pretended to be the upmost offended by that. you closed your eyes and took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on the reasons why you were angry with him. "we need to talk."
"we can do that in your apartment. let's talk there." he nodded, and you agreed. it wasn't something to discuss so close to where you worked, for sure. he offered his arm so you would apparate together and you ignored it completely, stretching your arm to the street to get a minicab to stop for you both.
"i'm not risking magic exposure and being fired because you rarely indulge on cars, potter." weirdly enough he doesn't try to convince you otherwise, getting on the backseat with you.
on the way he told you he had been waiting for you for at least forty minutes, which you weren't sure was even true, but on any other day you would've swooned over, but his true intentions showing up came to light so quickly, you couldn't. james kept touching your thigh with his right hand slowly, teasingly, and a pantsuit was never as helpful as then, because of it you could ignore his touches or at least pretend to ignore it.
despite the touches, james maintained a casual conversation with you, talking about trivialities from his day, like forgetting to take his vitamin supplement in the morning and running less that afternoon so he could get home in time to take a shower and pick you up. at least that was the term he used, even though you were in a cab.
you enjoyed having conversations like that with him, knowing how his day had been and how he felt about the team, the training sessions... it brought a sense of normality, as if you were just an ordinary couple talking about everything or just friends talking about your lives. but at that moment, you couldn't enjoy it the way you normally would due to what still lingered on your mind from the previous night, not to mention the fact that the words coming out of his mouth sounded innocent, but his eyes and hands overflowed with nothing but.
you felt like you were under torture, the rational part of your brain competing with your emotional part, which was shaken by any touch from james, any scraps of attention. you even felt relief when you arrived at your building, especially because there were other people in the elevator, preventing him from grabbing you there and making you forget everything you so wanted to tell him. but it didn't last long. as soon as you reached your floor, you were grabbed from behind, his hands firm on your waist while his lips roamed your neck.
"james, we need to talk," you repeated what said before, freeing yourself from his arms and walking towards the door. you unlocked it with a silent charm and left the door open for him to enter next.
"talk about what?" you heard the question, but his tone showed no interest in talking. in fact, he pulls you by the arm and pushes you against the nearest wall, trapping you with his arms. you lost your breath for a few seconds due to the proximity. "we can talk later," james whispers in your ear, brushing his lips softly against yours, one of his hands touching your waist under your blouse. you almost lose it, but finds the strength to get out of his embrace and leave to the kitchen.
"i want to talk about us." you said seriously, resolute in your decision to give him an ultimatum, tired of being the mistress, but you couldn't deny that after his teasing, you just wanted to wrap your legs around his waist and hear him say your name in between moans.
"brilliant, let's talk." james begins, slowly moving closer to you. "but we could just go to your room and enjoy our time in a more pleasurable way." you feel his hands again grabbing you around the waist, and his lips brushed lightly against your ear as he detailed all the other pleasurable things he could be doing to you. you give up, defeated, letting out a grunt and pulling him to you, starting a desperate kiss as he takes off your pantsuit and leads you stumbling back to your bed.
it was late at night, almost two in the morning, when the noise woke you up, almost frightened as you had no idea what it could be at that time. your first instinct was to obviously grab your wand and go to the living room, ready to disarm or worse if it was an intruder, but you noticed that it someone knocking frantically on your door.
"who is it?" you asked loud and clear, assuming it was a stranger trying to pull some kind of scam, you've heard of cases like that happening around the muggle neighbourhoods, the knocking then stopped and you thought you had scared away whoever was there, but you were wrong.
"it's me…" the voice was familiar, but you doubted it was who the voice reminded you of, so you waited for more before you decided or not to open it. "james." you froze and held you breath, but still denying mentally that it could be him.
"james? need to be more specific."
"don't remember me anymore?" it was him, surely. james potter. you hadn't seen him since the turn of the previous year, but truthfully, you hadn't really spoken to him in years, you couldn't even imagine how in hell had he found your address. "potter."
"what you doing here?" you open the door, giving him the space he needed to enter and smelling the alcohol invading your apartment. "it's two in the morning."
"not sure…" he seemed a bit disoriented, obviously because of the alcohol, but he wasn't about to fall over drunk and you mentally thanked him for that. "was in a pub having a few, but they closed…kept thinking about you and here i am." a shiver ran through your whole body and you cussed yourself, it was pathetic how he could still cause such a thing so many years after your relationship, after your last kiss, unfortunately you had never really managed to forget him, but instead you hid him deep in your memories, that way you wouldn't have to deal with your true feelings for him when you saw each other at a mutual friend's house or anything of the sort.
but still, you did to this day found yourself thinking about him at times, but that didn't help you understand why he would be there at such a time, or why he would be thinking about you when in fact the only reason you had left his life was because of him, because if he wasn't such a dick, you might still be in a relationship today, or at least be best friends like you used to be.
"know what…" even though you haven't responded to anything he's said before, he sits down on your sofa awkwardly and you feel completely uncomfortable with the situation, crossing your arms, unable to move more than that. "i'm such a twat." james lets out a weak laugh of discontent. "letting you go that day… mum told me what happened, but I still didn't look for you." it was amazing how he could form sentences almost perfectly even though he stank of alcohol miles away.
"james, what do you want?" you sigh, still not understanding anything that's going on. he simply gets up and walks towards you, making you instinctively move away until you reach the end of the line, one of the walls of the living room. "potter?"
"i want things between us to go back to normal." his perfume takes you over as he gets closer, replacing the smell of firewhiskey, and you try not to get dizzy. "just want you." panic is your first reaction as his lips come close to yours and you push him away.
"you have a girlfriend." you look into his eyes, being as serious as possible without showing how tempted you were, making exaggerated gestures with your hands to show him how wrong it was.
"shh, forget it, just f'now. i'll fix it, swear i'll fix everything." you soften at his words and sigh, you're probably losing your mind but still you walk towards him with your arms open for a hug and he immediately finds himself taking the chance.
"missed you." your voice nothing but a whisper and james nods in response, stroking your hair.
the affectionate embrace evolves quickly into a quiet kiss that becomes more and more desperate and before you know it, you're both on the sofa, blending into one.
you woke up the next day feeling partially satisfied, but guilt consumed you entirely, you had slept with a commited guy, what kind of woman were you? and not only that… what would james and you be from then on?
"bloody hell." and there you were, waking up after given in to james' charms again, just like the first time, just like every time after that, it was frustrating how much power he held over you, you couldn't take it anymore, you were done.
tag: @xcinnamonmalfoyx
#lari writes sometimes#marauders imagine#james potter scenario#james potter imagine#james potter x you#james potter x reader#james potter x y/n#james x reader#james x you#james x y/n#marauders x reader#marauders x you
101 notes
·
View notes
Text
request: As I asked earlier, and I hope I'm not bothering you, <3, is it okay if you can have Aizawa, Shigaraki, and Dabi react to their S/O picking their skin, and that they have scars and scabs from picking so much?
buns notes Hi angel! Thank you for requesting!! And for your patience. I did hawks instead of Aizawa, I hope you don't mind! And I hope you like this. It's written in my older headcanon format but honestly I had the best time writing when I wrote like this so in the future more fics may pop up in this format.
content: Dabi/Hawks/Shiggy x gender neutral reader. Fluff. Comfort. Not catched up on current events just pretend we're in a bnha reality where all is well *sobs* hawks has his wings! My old Headcanon format. Blood. Skin picking. Scratching. Scars. Kissing said scars. Staples. If I missed anything let me know! Very lazily proofread.
Dc creators and consumers dni. My blog aint for you
Dabi
♡- Oh he's such a good boyfriend, you will never convince me otherwise. He's protective, he's sweet, he's your human heating pad, what could you possibly want more?
♡- and being such a good boyfriend, and his already perceptive eye. It makes that he usually knows what's going on before you tell him. From insecurities to other problems, if it's something he can fix, he'll do it without you having to tell him about it.
♡-so if you were planning on hiding it from him. You failed. he has already noticed the violent scratching, the picking at your skin and the frequent trips to the bathroom to rub the blood from under your nails almost immediately.
♡-He doesn't bring it up, he'll wait for you to be comfortable enough to do that. In the meantime he just helps you as subtle as he can with the knowledge he has.
♡-which is mostly holding your hands whenever he can, a win win for him really. You're unable to scratch at your skin, and he gets to hold you<3
♡-I believe he'd tell you stories of his own scars and habits as well to hopefully make you more comfortable around the topic. The staples stuck to his face are hard to miss, and as a nervous tic he does have a habit of fucking around with the ones on his wrists or jaw. Plucking them out and pressing them back in to the point blood starts to seep out. Not the most fun story to hear, but if it helps making you more comfortable, It's a small sacrifice really.
♡- it's hard to feel insecure about any scars you have being with Dabi. The most obvious reason being, he has them too, even more noticable than yours may be. And he's still the prettiest guy you have layed your eyes on.
♡-overall he tries his best to help as much as he can and as much as you allow him to<3
Hawks
♡-also a very good boyfriend, but in order to be your very good boyfriend, you need to tell him about the things that are troubling you, things you're insecure about, which you don't always do.
♡- luckily for you, it's hawks, walking heartthrob and probably the most charming person you've met. He can coax it out of you with lots of cuddles, sweet nicknames and ever sweeter kisses<3
♡-A lot of him helping you exists out of buying expensive cooling creams and ice patches for damage control after a bad day of scratching. And of course, his feathers help out too
♡- if the urge is there, or he notices you doing it subconsciously, one of his feathers will swat your hand away and replace it for you. That way you can't do too much damage to your skin.
♡-you rarely feel insecure about it with hawks, because he just wont let you<3 any bad talk or somber faces directed towards your scars gets wiped away when he presses a plethora of kisses to them. Try to hold him back, you cant!
♡- what kind of boyfriend would he be if he just let his pretty dove feel anything less than perfect?
Shigaraki
♡-he's been there and while his habit of scrating at his neck and wrists is more of an control coping mechanism there have been times where he scratched himself open and since he always picks at the same place, it has left some deep scars.
♡-scars that you've continously showed love towards, pressing gentle kisses when passing by or tracing over it. So please, do not be insecure about yours!
♡-in general any love and affection you show towards shigaraki, he tries his best to return tenfold. He's new to relationships, to love. And god is he in love with you. And he just wants to make sure you know that.
♡-that means repeating himself over and over again about how your scars do not make you any less beautiful, pressing kisses to your face to distract you, or challenging you to a mario kart game >:)
♡- he's very giddy about letting you borrow his his gloves! Although the gloves only covers half of your hands and you're still able to pick if you put some force in it but you dont have the heart to tell him that. It's the thought that counts<3
♡-he's not afraid of a little blood, and as hard as it may be for you, please do come to him when it gets bad. He's seen and been through a lot worse and promises you there nothing you can show him that will make him look at you in a bad light. Although he's not the best example, he rarely treats his skin after he picks, he would very much like to take care of yours. Even something as small as cutting your nails for damage control, or as big as helping you clean up the blood. he's always there and happy to to help<3
Thank you for reading angels!<3
#bnha dabi#soft dabi#bnha x reader#bnha x gender neutral reader#my hero academia x reader#my hero x reader#dabi x reader#hawks x reader#shigaraki x reader#dabi x gn reader#hawks x gender neutral reader#shigaraki x gender neutral reader#dabi#hawks#soft!hawks#soft!dabi#boku no hero x reader#bnha drabble#hawks fluff#dabi fluff#shigaraki fluff
247 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hello. :D
Just found out your blog, absolutely love it, especially the fact that you mostly focus on the fluff, I'm just weak to these kinds of stories. 😂❤️
Is it possible to request more headcanons about Robin with a s/o ? Like... what do you think her type would be ? How would she realize she's in love ? How would she behave before and after their relationship ? Her love language ? (Male reader btw, if you don't mind of course 😊)
OMG!! HIIIII i’m so glad you like my content anon!! :) and yes fluff is the besttt it’s so cute!!
of course you can have robin x male reader :) i don’t mind at all!!
i love robin tysm for your request!!! i’m happy to go more in depth on her loving reader :)
please enjoy!
OKK SOO for her type..!
robin loves a kind person!!
kindness was something she hardly received growing up and the first people to give it to her were the researches and especially Saul!! (the dereshishishi guy if you don’t remember 😭)
seeing a kind person do something straight from their heart makes her smile
it makes her warm and reminds her about the comforting things in life
almost as if your being kind to her too
she doesn’t mind if your intelligent or not so intelligent
she would enjoy being around someone who laughs a lot though
not that she minds if your straight faced
she just likes seeing you laugh
it means your happy :)
and laughter was another thing that helped her through her struggles
robin also appreciates someone who likes quality time
so maybe not a distant partner
robin was also alone for most of the time in her life
if someone comes along in her life who she wants to stay, she would definitely want to spend as much time as possible together
especially since she has a hint of doubt you might leave one day
which is why she also wants someone loyal
for obvious reasons of course, she knows she wasn’t exactly the most loyal in the past
but technically to the straw hats she was
if you think about it
it doesn’t matter much else about whether your weak or strong, happy go lucky, solemn all the time—whatever the case may be!
just for the record if your strong you fight together and have each other’s back
and if your weak/average she does her best to protect you
especially knowing how dangerous world, on the grand line specifically, is
how she would realize?
hmm good question
well, robin is either in a book, in someone else’s business or in her thoughts
and it probably happened during the 1st and 3rd options
you know that moment when your reading and all the sudden you space out and start thinking of random things?
yeah well that happened to her and it was kinda flashback of all the memories you two had in the past
she felt intense joy as she found herself smiling at the thought of you
and then you walked into the room
you locked eyes for a minutes before you asked if she was okay
she nodded slowly before looking away
spawning a hand in the wall for a thumbs up to say she heard you. :)
you left the room. and she knew, she was in love 💗💗
okkk time for how she behaves ♡
before your relationshipppp…!
she softly initiates intimate gestures
putting a hand on your chest when she speaks to you
helping you out with random things
leaning into you while you sit next to each other
not completely
just kinda leaning towards you
she definitely asks to talk and spend time together more often
this all really just her showing she cares and sending hints she likes you
remember that smile she gave zoro when they first met?
yeah you definitely get that a lot :)
after tho
it ramps up a bunch!!
and i mean everything
you spend all your free time together
even if your off doing your own thing she’ll come and watch you with adoration in her eyes
if you like to train/work out she’ll be there in the crows nest or watching you out on the deck
ngl i feel like robin would like to be carried if your strong
she also likes to take naps
so if you take one with her she usually gets up first and admires your face
you guys hold hands in your sleep
💥💖💥💖
SO CUTE
she compliments and praises you for any achievements you make
will feed you sweets or whatever other types of food you like
if you do it back she’ll find it endearing
it becomes y’all thing
her love languages areee….
acts of service
quality time
and tidbits of physical touch
which you could likely guess from me dabbling in this in the headcanons above :)
for acts of service
you can ask her for almost any favor and she”ll do it no matter how weird
shes not delusional but most of your weird habits if you have any become endearing because she loves you
she’s got your back in battles too
quality time?
yes.
she loves to do anything with you
reading, training, eating, sleeping
she just loves you
so she spends lots of time for you
she never takes you for granted
physical touch is hand holding
whether it’s an extra arm or not
head pats and gentle cheek caresses
putting each other’s feet or shoulders together
little things like that<3
i wrote this so fast?! i took me an hour exactly 😭😭
i could honestly sit and write for robin all day it comes natural to me ♥︎
#anime#anime and manga#anime headcanons#luffyvace#fluff#fluff headcanons#one piece#one piece headcanons#one piece x reader#nico robin headcanons#nico robin x reader#nico robin one piece#nicorobin#nico robin#one piece robin#x you#x reader#x male reader#x male y/n#relationship headcanons#headcanons#cute headcanons#soft headcanons#i love her#thank you for the ask!#thank you for the submission!
70 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hii, I love your writing smmm!!!
Idk if you're still accepting requests but if you are, there was a new bts photo of Izzy's back and I was wondering if you could write about it? Maybe he's ashamed of his scars and the reader accidentally sees them? I know you like angst so I think this would be absolutely perfect for you :3
Izzy Hands x Reader
Words: 1960
Google docs pages: 3
Warnings: Description of scarring from a whip, yk the usual. Oh yeah, and french reader
Opening: The scars on Izzy’s back didn’t get any attention in s2 so being sweet to him about them is up to you.
AN// Reader can be any gender! I’m putting these two requests together, due to them being similar. I’m also adding in the 3rd request because it’s been sitting in my inbox, I can’t see myself writing a whole fanfic for it and I think I could slide some of the content from there to this fic! But thank you so much for these requests, I had a blast with this one (for obvious reasons) and I hope yall like this too!!<33
“If you’d been happier not knowing”
Izzy usually hid any relations you had with him from the rest of the crew, at times you doubted if Edward even knew what was going on with you and his first mate. But the man was a rather private person, and didn’t like sharing whatever you had with him with others. Though, for an example he never paid no mind to you sleeping in his quarters, sometimes only asking if anyone had seen you enter the cabin. So you went along with his way of handling the unspoken relationship. Unspoken, as in neither of you had ever said out loud where you stood. One kiss in the past, and from there you’d been close like an old married couple, yet neither of you brought up what you wanted to call it. But at this point, it felt like you didn’t have to. Being with the grumpy first mate felt natural, even if anyone in the crew would disagree with that being possible.
Though, as many nights and days as you’d spent with the man, you knew there were still things about him that even you didn’t know about. Sure, he rarely talked about his feelings and you knew about that to a certain level. But you found yourself often wondering about his past; where he’d come from and what his past on the sea had been like earlier. Since you had only met him after joining Blackbeard’s crew, and by then the first mate had been alongside the black bearded man for years. But even when he was slightly buzzed, he never stumbled upon talking about his past. The most you knew was of their former captain, Hornigold. But of those times neither of them rarely spoke of, which to your demise made you even more intrigued.
But of course you knew the man well enough to not go and start asking him questions such as those straight away, out of nowhere. Even if it was just the two of you, you bet he’d lie to you. Maybe to save your ears from whatever he was hiding, or to save himself from having to remember. Neither of the options sounding too pleasant.
So as much as you wanted to get closer to him and know more about the man, you left it up for him. Left it until he would eventually tell you more about himself. After all, life at the sea from a young age like him could have caused him to see a thing or two before becoming the person he was today. The sea wasn’t a kind place to live, especially for a young pirate. And from the stories you’d heard of Hornigold, being raised from a boy to a man in a crew like his must have been anything but pleasant at times.
So, the night you came to find more of the first mate had come as a surprise. Almost making you wish the topic would have come around in a different way.
You didn’t spend each night in his quarters, knowing the man didn’t want to make the relationship known to everyone on the ship. Though, this night was one of those where you kept tossing and turning. Keeping your eyes shut felt almost impossible, and your chest ached for the company of someone. And you knew well who that was, Izzy. You also knew that he was most certainly still awake, no matter the late hour of the night. How he still always managed to be up before everyone else, you did not know.
So you got up from the hammock, checking that no one else was around and made your way to his quarters. The ship was quiet as always at night, only the sound of snoring coming through the walls every now and then. But the further you walked, the more silent even that became.
The door was quiet, the closing of it only making a faint sound. You turned from the door to find the man you’d been looking for. Though, that action caused you to see something he’d never shown you before. His back, bare. Old scars running across his back, both sides of his shoulder blades to his lower back, bruised with what you could only guess had been a whip. From a cat o’ nine tails.
Your hand moved over your mouth on its own, covering the saddened frown from your lips, yet leaving your eyes uncovered with compassion flaming in them. And as long as this moment had felt like, it snapped broken as the man turned to face you. The expression on his face telling you everything you needed to know. He hadn’t meant to show that to you. The shame and a hint of something resembling anger almost made you turn around and leave. But you didn’t, you couldn’t. Not now that you knew.
Your hand fell from your mouth, carefully reaching out to the man sitting in the faint light of a lantern. “Izzy-”, you gasped out, not sure what to say, as he hadn’t spoken his mind yet. “Get out.” The first mate muttered, hand searching for his shirt in the dark of the room, the movement rather panicked. You bit your lower lip, wanting to do as he said but also having a feeling that it wouldn’t actually help anyone. “No, I can’t. Not now.” You ended up protesting against his command, and to your surprise the man sitting on the bed with his gaze on his feet didn’t say anything against it.
“Mon chéri…” You started again, voice a little softer this time. You felt his eyes scan your form, turning his gaze away from you as soon as he noticed that you’d been looking back at him. As he usually did when he was upset.
You frowned, walking over to the bed and carefully sitting down to the very edge of it. Just in case he wanted to shoo you away still. Though you believed for him to not do so, seeing as your last comment had gotten him to ease out a little. “Sans toi, je ne suis rien. So please, talk to me.” You almost whispered, that being the last hope you had of getting the man to talk to you. If he felt like it.
You’d been about to place your hand on his shoulder, but he’d turned around just in time for you to pull back swiftly. He took a moment to collect his thoughts, somehow his expression turning back to normal for a moment. “Wasn’t careful enough and a wild cat attacked me from the back. Nothing more.” He said, eyes moving away from you yet again. He was lying, of course he was.
You stayed silent for a moment, just as he had done earlier. He seemed to have some kind of walls around him to protect himself from harm concerning the scarring. Which you understood, but it hurt to watch him have to make up stories to replace the real events from his mind. “Mon licorne, you don’t have to tell me. But I would like to know.” Your hand rose again, this time making contact with the man’s shoulder. He visibly tensed up for a moment, the touch on his bare skin so foreign to the man. “No need to dwell in the past, dear.” Izzy said, feeling as he sideyed you for a reaction. Your eyes stayed on him, hand slowly moving to the first mate’s upper back, carefully tracing the very tip of one of the scars. Izzy almost pulled away, but froze and leaned back to where he’d sat before. “I wanted to tell you, to show you what you would be signing up for.” He started, voice low in tone. You listened, not interrupting him. “But I couldn’t find it in me to do so in the end.” A sight left him after that, seemingly finished with whatever he’d wanted to say.
You hadn’t even noticed the way you’d started chewing on your inner lip, holding back a pained frown from appearing on your face. “I apologise for barging in, then.” You replied, hand carefully tracing the scar from the middle of his back to the other end of the scar. He sat still, allowing you to do so. “Got in a bit of trouble on Hornigold’s ship.” Izzy commented, seemingly knowing and remembering exactly which scar you’d traced. You stayed silent, eyes scanning the scars next to the one you’d touched. The others near it must’ve been from the same whip. But there was another bundle of scars on the other side of his back, seemingly from another time. Those were deeper, and from the look of it done by someone not keen on the man.
You reached for the other scars, gently tracing the one closest to you. He tensed up a little, making you unconsciously place your free hand on his forearm for comfort. To your surprise he raised his own hand, placing it on top of yours. “The Royal Navy caught onto us.” He said, breaking the silence that had creeped its way between the two of you. You traced the scar to the very end of it, leaning back after to look at him. “Did you think I would leave if I knew?” You asked carefully, but the air wasn’t tense even after the question. It rarely was with just the two of you. His eyes looked into yours as he thought of what to say. He’d been more afraid of you realising why he was the way he was if you knew. He didn’t care for how they looked, no one could see them through his clothes. But like this he was vulnerable. But now that didn’t matter. “Maybe. But that’s in the past by now.” He said, a sigh leaving him as his shoulders relaxed. You tried to smile, for his sake. “I care for you, and if you seemed happier not knowing, I couldn’t have done that to you.” He added, his eyes staying on yours as he spoke.
You didn’t know if that was the truth, but it didn’t matter. For one night, all of this had been enough for the both of you. If he had more secrets, he would come to you and open up if he needed. And now he knew that. You tilted your head, the hand from his shoulder moving to the nape of his neck as you pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Je t’aime, Izzy.” You could only whisper after pulling away ever so slightly.
The ship swayed gently as you watched him look at you with what you knew was his way of showing love. He might have not been a man of many loving words, but hearing you speak your own first language to him melted something that had been casted in layers of ice within him for a long time. He leaned his head against your hand.
Translations: mon chéri: my dear, mon licorne: my unicorn, sans toi, je ne suis rien: without you, I’m nothing
AN// Sorry if there is any delay with recent requests, I’ve fallen into a TADC Caine coma and cannot think of anything but that floating pair of dentures.
#Izzy Hands#Izzy Hands x Reader#Israel Hands#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd season 2#ofmd x reader#our flag means death x reader#x reader#fanfic#izzy hands beloved#yar har i love pirates
78 notes
·
View notes
Text
toeing the line | sebastian sallow
BRIEF DISCLAIMER: THIS AUTHOR DOES NOT SUPPORT OR TOLERATE TRANSPHOBIA OR DISCRIMINATION OF ANY KIND
Summary: a game of cat and mouse sequel | You may have lost the battle, but you’re determined not to lose the war. Just moments after you’d met him, you already felt close to him, like he was someone you could deeply trust. Even when a troll comes to Hogsmeade, or when Rookwood seeks you out, he always stands by your side, toeing the line between friends and something more.
Word Count: 3,706 words
Author’s Note: just a very light-hearted dabble into some Sebastian cuteness, warning it is unedited bc I spilled juice on my usual computer. OOps lol edit 1hr after posting: hi guys I appreciate all the love you’ve shown me so so much throughout all my fics--I will be more active today bc I will not be going to work. I hit someone with my car and now I am emotionally traumatized. Pls enjoy
Content Warnings: fluff, brief fight but nothing too graphic or magically violent :)
a game of cat and mouse
Sebastian’s heavy hand on your shoulder and warm breath on your ear still burned with his absence, and for every second you spent actually thinking about getting your supplies, or your classes, or precisely anything else, you spent 3 more seconds thinking about Sebastian’s voice, or your duel, or his wit that you felt you would never catch up to.
You felt--quite constantly, in fact--that you and Sebastian were competing for an unknown prize, continuously attempting to best the other in this war that conspicuously looked to everyone else like shameless flirting. The worst part that he was so talented at this sort of game, always managing to play the one card that caught you off-guard but never crossed the line into being too forward, too obvious that it showed you his hand.
After browsing only the necessary stores to complete Weasley’s shopping list, you practically booked it to the square near Honeyduke’s and the Wizardwear store, the meeting place Sebastian had designated. It was bustling, many people gathered around tables or sauntering between shops, enjoying the blue skies and the warm sun that warmed the skin of your cheeks.
A large smile broke out on your face as soon as you spotted Sebastian across the cobblestone square, leaned casually against the large tree with his legs crossed at the ankles. He seemed to be briefly skimming one of the potions textbooks, occupying his time while he waited patiently for you to come back home to him.
There was something so enchanting about that moment, you being able to watch him from afar. He looked so content, peaceful in his mind that was able to lay dormant briefly, not needing to work overtime to calculate just when to brush his hand against your knuckles or conjure a witty remark to stun you with. He was just naturally stunning, without ever needing to try.
At this point in the day, just the first day of knowing him, you’d already grown accustomed to the butterflies that awakened every time he was within 50 feet of you. You jogged lightly over to him, and as soon as your footsteps were within hearing distance, he looked up, as if he could sense your presence. When you came to a stop in front of him, he smiled so radiantly that you had forgotten the greeting you’d rehearsed on the way.
“I’ve finished my rather extensive shopping list,” you landed on instead, almost frowning at how you couldn’t immediately come back from the last interaction swinging. You held your wand up, proud of your immediate connection to what felt like the most stunning wand you’d ever seen.
He could sense your satisfaction, smiling, “Excellent.” The word just rolled off his tongue so simply, but for some ungodly reason, you felt your heart swell.
You didn’t bother allowing yourself the time to get flustered at his brief praise, and instead tried to show interest in him, too. “Did you get what you needed for your sister?”
You’d hoped that this would open a new avenue of conversation, but he didn’t open up more than he needed to. “I did,” he nodded. “I suppose the world is our oyster now,” and you held your breath as a smirk crawled up his face, “let’s see what mischief we can get up to.”
Sebastian saw you briefly glance over to Honeyduke’s. “Perhaps I can treat you to some desserts like I’d promised on the way over,” and there is a question, a near undetectable longing hidden by your smile, but it didn’t matter, because it was present in your eyes, too.
His smirk grew into an endearing smile, “Only if you promise to let me treat you to butterbeers at the Three Broomsticks afterwards.”
“I’ll keep it under consideration,” you pursed your lips, dangling the small burlap bag of galleons you found on the trail over between your pointer and thumb. “But I’m afraid one of us has a knack for treasure hunting and happens to be a few galleons richer.”
Sebastian shook his head, seemingly defeated, “I’m afraid your ‘knack for treasure hunting’ has very little to do with my proposal.” There was that twinkle in his eyes, and you knew that he had something prepared, as he always does. “Don’t you know that the gentleman always pays on the first date?”
You worked hard to contain your fumbling, internally swearing at him because somehow he always just has one comment locked and ready to fire. It was so difficult to try and play a game of charm and wit because he truly was the master.
All you could do was scoff, hoping that when you opened your mouth again, the most brilliant retort would fall out on it’s own. Before a word could fall out of your mouth, though, the ground began to rumble, loud thumps coming from behind the quaint village and exponentially rising in volume. As the thumps grew larger and larger, harsh sounds of crashes, breaking wood, and screams joined into the mix.
Out of seemingly nowhere, a fighter troll clad in armor glowing similarly to the dragon’s collar or Ranrok’s magic ran into the village, smashing stalls under it’s feet before launching into the air and smacking it’s large club into the ground before the pedestrians.
It didn’t matter to Sebastian that you had beaten him so swiftly and brutally in the earlier Defense Against the Dark Arts class--the single event that had him watching your every move with a close eye; Sebastian was not thinking logically when he put his arm out in front of you, fingers grasping onto your ropes as he shuffled to block your body with his. He acted solely on instinct, his need to protect overwhelming every sense and clouding every thought.
You peeked out from behind his shoulder as he slowly pulled his wand out, and you did the same, watching the troll’s line of sight slowly change from the adult villagers to you and Sebastian. The screams slowly got more distant as most of the villagers who were too scared to fight the troll ran for the exit, or for any cover at all.
The troll took a second when looking in your direction, as if registering who you were, but as soon as those few seconds were over, your eyes widened as the troll began to charge at the two of you. Sebastian flung at him with his wand, but it was to no avail. Only when one of the aurors of the village cast bombarda right at the troll’s head did it stop, going after the villagers instead of you two.
Sebastian’s grip on your robes loosened, his frame still blocking your body slightly, but he finally let go when he’d felt the area was clear. Precisely at the moment that Sebastian had turned to you, almost blushing as to excuse himself for grabbing onto you and forcing you behind him, a second troll came smashing through a house and now the pair of you were the sole targets, no backup to save you now. It charged at you quickly, but like clockwork, both you and Sebastian ducked and rolled.
There was such a simplicity to duelling with Sebastian, and despite it being your very first fight as a duo rather than opponents, the flow was seamless. The fighting ability and teamwork came naturally, like he was the thunder to your lightning. Sebastian used confringo quite a lot, which you’d noted to ask him to teach you later. You found your new power in some sort of powerful non-verbal magic, only discovering it out of fear and instinct when you saw Sebastian get corned by the troll.
Although Sebastian helped quite a lot, your newfound ability was what ultimately made the troll collapse, having one final box thrown at his head finally knocked the monster to his knees, and as Sebastian caught his breath, he glanced up to watch as you held your wand to your palm, a bright glow gathering before you threw a ball of who-knows-what at the troll. The giant shattered into shards, dissipating into thin air, and when Sebastian looked back at you, he caught a glimpse of a small, triumphant smile on your face.
He felt something churn so deeply in his stomach that he’d wondered what the elves had put in his tart this morning, but it only took seconds for the realization to cross his mind, and he finally realized what it was that made his heart feel full and his cheeks flush--pride.
Aurors and adult villagers all gathered around you amidst the rubble, Sebastian only standing back to watch as you were praised for your bravery. Jealousy was absent from Sebastian, and all his mind was filled with was your sly smile and the memory of his hand tugging on your robes, desperate to protect you without realizing that it was you who would protect him.
As an officer was congratulating you, all that was stuck in Sebastian’s mind was the terrified look on your face when the troll had him cornered, and how without effort or thought you moved to save him, power flowing through you with ease. For you, saving him had no contest in your mind and there was no second-guessing, no hesitation. It was instinct for you, but for Sebastian, having someone care so deeply with no reservations was so foreign that he didn’t register time passing until you were stood in front of him, having repaired all the buildings and broken stalls in the square. You’d also been awarded a new robe that wasn’t marred with scratches and dirt from the battle, which Sebastian recognized fit you incredibly well.
“Sebastian,” his name rolled off your tongue like a prayer, and a smile grew on your face as soon as he met your eyes. “I’d say we earned a butterbeer or two, how about you?”
He sighed dramatically, hoping you’d find humor in it. “It might help me forget that I was almost pulverized by a troll.”
Sebastian was quickly rewarded by a laugh that tumbled out of your mouth, warm and honey-like and after so long of simply being able to smirk, revelling in the satisfaction of you being so unmistakenly smitten by him, he now had to face that you’d called his bluff. There was something deeper between the two of you, and he could feel it when you spoke to him, “Not if I have anything to say about it.”
You grabbed out your small pouch of galleons, begging Sebastian to escort you to buy some chocolate frogs from Honeyduke’s before heading over to the Three Broomsticks. Just as you plopped the package down on the counter, Sebastian wordlessly took out his spare change and set it neatly next to the chocolate frogs. You froze, fingers still reaching into your pouch as you looked to him with furrowed brows.
He grabbed the chocolate frogs off the counter, smiling at you and then at the storeowner, before guiding you away. He opened the door for you and passed you your chocolates, “What’s some spare change in exchange for not getting wacked by a troll club?”
You scoffed, “Are you trying to bribe me, Sallow?”
He shook his head, smirking. “No,” he flung his arm around your shoulder, leaning into your ear once again. “You’re just incredible.” His warmth was engulfing now, and you were so close to the salvation of him really holding you that it started to make you dizzy. You felt ridiculous, childish smile and feverish flush taking over your whole face, and he was so close.
You felt like you were just about to close the distance, wrap your arm around his waist and squeeze enough for your hips to meld together when something in the tone shifted, your stomach dropped and the hairs on the back fo your neck stood up perfectly straight.
You looked around, watching a peculiar looking man wander down into an alley, and then you caught it, a glimpse of Ranrok standing, and he looked rather angry. Sebastian’s arm dropped from you immediately, the two of you seeking cover to eavesdrop, and this time, it was you who stood in front, and Sebastian’s heart fluttered at your innate need to protect him.
Your heart constricted, Sebastian’s confusion over the situation palpable behind you. Ranrok had sent the trolls to Hogsmeade in an attempt to get to you, underestimating your abilities by far. Sebastian felt even more intrigued by you than before, his eyes watching the side of your face closely as he tried to gauge your reaction.
You made brief eye contact with Ranrok, and you were so startled by the look in his eyes that you immediately grabbed Sebastian by the sleeve of his robe, only bothering to whisper a hurried “We should go,” before tugging him away and into the more populated street.
“Did they see us?” Sebastian questsioned worriedly, eyes scanning all around the street, your fingers dropping from his robe as you tried to hasten your pace, deciding it would be best for the two of you to hide out in the Three Broomsticks. “What was that goblin doing with Victor Rookwood?”
You mumbled something about a goblin named Ranrok and a rebellion, but Sebastian was barely paying enough attention to not stumble over his own feet, let alone try and decipher your ramblings.
“Ranrok?” Sebastian’s face quickly dropped, turning into one of harsh realization, “You mean the goblin from the Daily Prophet? I knew I’d recognized him from somewhere, I--” and his face managed to get even stonier. He lightly grasped your arm, trying to guide you to walk in front of him as he watched Rookwood emerge from the alley, searching the streets. “Quickly,” Sebastian muttered in your ear, glancing behind him and all he could think of was keeping you safe.
Sebastian practically busted open the doors of the Three Broomsticks, the attention of all the patrons turning quickly to the two of you. A goblin passed you on the way in, but you were so focused on trying to be inconspicuous you barely thought anything of it. Sebastian’s hand was still resting on your upper arm, bringing you to a seat. His arm only dropped when he went to pull out your stool for you, and you found yourself wanting him to put it back, to comfort you with his touch again.
You almost wished you’d find yourself in more danger when he was around if this was what it led to--his warmth lingering and his smell clouding your senses and better judgment. His hand reached up to his hair now, tangling in it as he glanced from you to the barkeeper to the door in rapid succession, repeatedly.
Sebastian relaxed quickly after Sirona started talking though, making brief introductions and offering the first two butterbeers on the house. You took a sip quickly, your eyes peeking just enough over the rim to stay alert. “I heard about the attack,” Sirona began, and the cockiest of grins creeped onto Sebastian’s face. “I’m glad to see you two escaped injury.”
“Thanks to this one,” Sebastian laid his heavy eyes on you, and you nearly rolled your eyes at just how smitten he looked, huge smile adorning his face. “Single-handedly took down a troll!” he praised, raising his mug high in celebration.
Sirona shared a knowing smile with Sebastian, as if she could read him like a book, “Is that right? Well done.” After brief conversation, she left the bar to attend to other guests, allowing you time to break open your chocolate frogs and pop them in your mouth.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Sebastian teased, noting your glare at him just a few seconds prior.
You shook your head, trying to finish your chocolate frog quickly so you could answer him. “Must you embarrass me with your praise everywhere we go?”
He hummed, “I’m the type to brag about my closest friends. I can’t help it.”
Just as you were raising the mug to your lips, nearly finishing off your first cup of butterbeer, the large doors creaked open to reveal Rookwood and Harlow, a much stubbier sidekick. Sebastian sat up straighter in his seat, looking you in the eye as you both hoped that the pair wouldn’t notice you. Sirona quickly walked over, asking them to leave.
As the tension in the room escalated, Sebastian’s face leaned ever closer to yours, looking you sternly with his eyes cloudy, filled with danger. You could hear Rookwood’s sneer in his voice, “Come now, no need for theatrics.” You looked to Sebastian as he watched Rookwood in the corner of his eye. “I’m only here for this one, anyway.”
You squeezed your eyes shut if only for a second, turning around and stepping off your stool, Sebastian quickly following you, standing as close to you as possible. If you’d ever glanced down, you’d see his hands in fists hovering over his pocket, his legs planted in the ground, like he was ready for a fight. “My friend is enjoying a well-earned butterbeer.”
“I only want a quick word,” and he tries to prowl towards you, head closer to you than his feet. Every patron stands up and draws their wand, and Sebastian, rather than tugging you behind him like he did in the past, steadies himself by your side and draws his wand quicker than anyone else in the entire tavern.
Your eyes leave Rookwood’s if only for a second, glancing at the side of Sebastian’s face, his jaw hardened and eyes stone cold. Rookwood backs away, still threatening Sirona as he takes slow footsteps backwards. Just as he turned, about to open the door, his eyes glanced back at you and Sebastian. He smirked, “Can’t drink butterbeers forever.”
When he left, you decided to return to your seat, grabbing your mug and finally taking your last swig. Sebastian grabbed his stool, pulling it slightly closer to yours before settling down, also finishing off his butterbeer. “You’ll be telling me about this later,” he stated matter-of-factly, and all you could do was let out a chuckle, silently agreeing.
You ordered three more rounds, your stomachs nearly caving in on themselves from the sheer amount of butterbeers the two of you drank. You talked about anything and everything--classes, Sebastian’s plan to duel as a team, his previous adventures with Anne and Ominis--you were chatting, snacking on chocolate frogs, and sipping your complimentary drinks until well after the sun went down.
As time passed in the Three Broomsticks, the two of you kept unknowingly scooting your stools closer together, upper arms pressed against one another, necks sore from constantly looking to the side. Even as the patrons came and went, the one consistent sound was the laughter of you and Sebastian, childish and playful.
Your fingers brushed, eyes barely leaving each other’s faces, and it felt like no time had passed at all. Only when you heard brief whispers about a curfew did you glance out the window to see how late it’d gotten. You almost didn’t want to leave the safety of the Three Broomsticks, remembering Rookwood’s threat that seemed to imply he’d be waiting for you as soon as you left.
When you got out of your seat and headed for the doors, Sebastian’s hand brushed over the small of your back so briefly you weren’t sure if you’d imagined it, but you saw his hand fall back to his side out of the corner of your eye. After you reached the crisp night air of Hogsmeade, looking at the twinkling lights that hung over the streets and the stars they were reminscient of, you never got that gut feeling you knew so well.
You walked down the street, returning to Hogwarts with Sebastian in comfortable silence. As you glanced down the street, you saw one Theophilus Harlow slumped over, sitting against a wall on the ground, fast asleep. Sebastian’s eyes followed yours, and he had to stop himself from letting out a chuckle at the sight. As you passed the bridge to Hogsmeade, far enough that you were sure you were safe, Sebastian leaned over to you again. “Maybe we can drink butterbeers forever.”
Your smile was bright enough, Sebastian noted, to compete with the moon. He felt rewarded by your happiness, and worked hard to contain the joy that felt like it was pouring out of him. “Maybe not forever,” you remarked, “but we can drink butterbeers together long enough to put the whole world to sleep.”
He silently agreed, but still felt the need to counter anyways, just to continue the game that he felt you’d both already lost. “The volume of our laughter might just be enough to wake the whole world up.”
You shook your head, finally ready for a response off the cuff, having learned from the best. “I’m sure the world has grown used to it by now.”
And finally, you decided to be the one to push instead of him, never growing impatient of the game but rather reveling in it. Your hand reached for his forearm, grasping around his bicep and holding it lightly. His eyes caught yours, his lips curled into a smirk, and you felt you could push further.
Your hand snaked down, gliding along his silky robes, and both of your hearts beat faster, in tandem with one another. Sebastian felt dizzied by your touch, all alarms sounding off in his mind, knowing that you were about to win this game you’d been playing. Your hand grasped his, fingers that had been chilled from the night air finding solace in one another. Your thumb rubbed circles on the back of his hand, toeing the line between harmless flirting and something more.
Sebastian’s hand squeezed yours, and you resisted the urge to hold your breath, only looking up at him through your eyelashes, lips curved only slightly into the smallest of smiles. The two of you continued the rest of the way to your common room in a comfortable and warm silence, pathway illuminated by the moon and the stars.
#hogwarts legacy#Harry Potter#harry potter fandom#harry potter fanfic#harry potter hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow x reader#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian sallow x you#sebastian sallow x gn!reader#welcome to hogsmeade
248 notes
·
View notes
Text
INK — rin itoshi
pairing: rin itoshi x fem!reader.
warnings/content: both rin and reader are tattoo artists and have tattoos. maybe ooc rin [?]. suggestive towards the end.
wc: 2.9k.
requested: no.
a/n: I love and hate this at the same time? tf is wrong with me. please let me know what you think or I'll probably go crazy 😭.
You cleaned and sanitized your room after the last client of the day left. It wasn't a particularly busy day, just a couple of clients with relatively small tattoos to be done. Plus they all loved your sketches so you didn't have to change anything before starting your work. You left your room and approached Isagi, who sat at the front desk checking his phone, since the work for the day was pretty much done for everyone.
"Isagi, Rin's still here or did he already leave?" you asked leaning on the desk, he lifted his gaze from his phone, "He's still here. I think he's working on some designs in his room or something."
You thanked him and made your way in front of Rin's door. You knocked, as for asking the permission to enter, and quickly entered the room, closing the door behind you, when his response arrived soon after. Rin sat on his office chair, with his feet on the desk, his iPad on his lap and the pen in his dominant hand.
"Hi Rin, I want to ask you something." you started, making some steps towards him and fidgeting with your hands, something that Rin noticed you did often when he first met you. He looked at you, before signing with his free hand to continue.
"I know you really hate doing this, and I feel really bad asking you this." his eyes snapped back at you, you offered him a tight lipped smile before continuing, "So, I've been working on a new sketch for a new tattoo for some time now, and I would really love to get it. The problem is, I usually tattoo myself, I've been doing it since I started to tattoo, but this project is a back piece, so I can't do it myself in any way. My question is, could you do it for me?"
He simply stared at you, not saying a single word. After a few seconds you started to regret even thinking to ask him. You knew he never tattooed other's works, and you couldn't really blame him for it since you did the same thing. He was really selective with his clients, if he didn't like the idea they wanted to get, he had no problem telling them to go to another tattooer. Some might say it's stupid and unprofessional, but Rin didn't really care. "Forget it! It was stupid of me for even asking-" "Let me see the sketch.".
You blinked twice, making sure you weren't imagining things, then you quickly made your way back to your room to grab the sketch and go immediately back to Rin, earning a confused look from Isagi, who practically saw you running for your life to your room and back to Rin's. You handed your iPad to Rin to let him see your idea. He looked at it for some minutes, zooming to see some of the details you drew, while you waited patiently beside him to hear what he thought about it.
"As you said, I don't usually tattoo other's work," he started, handing the device back, you took it back, nodding to him as for saying that you understood. You kind of expected his response. "But, since you can't do it yourself, for obvious reasons, and because I like the design, I can do it for you.".
You smiled widely, "That's great. Real fucking great. Thank you so much.".
"When are you free to do it?" you asked, hoping you didn't have to wait too much. "It should take five or six hours, if you want it in black and gray. So if you're free tonight, I can do it now.". You nodded immediately, you wanted to get it as soon as possible. You worked on it for months, and you were more than free tonight. "While I prepare everything can you go and print the stencil?" "Sure".
You exited the room with a smile that reached your ears and excitement that was radiating off of you. "Can you print this stencil Isagi?" you sang and he took your iPad to start printing the stencil, "You're starting something like this now?" he asked curious and you nodded, "Rin told me that if I was free tonight he could do it immediately, and knowing he has lots of clients I couldn't say no to him.".
Isagi's eyes widened, "Isn't this your drawing? Rin's doing it for you?" "I wasn't expecting it either, trust me." he scoffed shaking his head and smirking slightly, you looked at him suspiciously, "What?", but he brushed you off with his hand and gave you the stencil, "Have fun.".
You went back to Rin once again, and fortunately he was taking out the last few things he needed.
"Take off you shirt, you can leave your bra on but you have to unbuckle it." you nodded, already familiar with his instructions as you did the same job as him. Once you were ready, with one of your arms keeping your bra in place, he shaved the part of your back that he was going to tattoo before placing the stencil on your skin. "You can check if you like the placement.".
You went in front of the mirror in his room, checking as best as you could the placement. "It's perfect.",
You lay down to get started, with your right cheek on the leather of the tattoo chair and your arms dangling. Rin sat down beside you, with his tattoo machine in his gloved hand ready to start. Once the needles started to poke you skin, you suddenly understood why your clients seemed to be in so much pain when you tattooed their backs. You hissed slightly, squinting your eyes, "Low pain tolerance?" Rin teased and you could see the little smirk on his face on the mirror, which was near where you two were. You didn't answer him but rolled your eyes, deciding that it would be better.
He continued to work on your skin, while you watched him thanks to the reflection of the mirror. You had to admit that you looked a bit like a creep, but seeing his concentrated expressions, which weren't much different from his usual stoic one, was strangely relaxing, and you didn't really have much else to do in this position.
"Why did you ask me to do this out of everyone in this studio?" he asked curiously while he wiped the ink in excess with a paper towel. "Well, Isagi started to tattoo people a few weeks ago, and, even if I think he's really talented, he still needs to improve. Bachira is really good too, but his style is the opposite of mine, Chigiri's style too. So the only one left was you." "So I was your last resort?" He asked half jokingly, "Actually you were my first choice, idiot." He met your eyes for a few seconds in the mirror, asking you to continue with your explanation.
"Our styles are pretty similar, so you were the obvious choice, plus I really like your works. At first I didn't even consider the others, but then I didn't have the courage to ask you." you confessed to him, "Why?" "I saw how you respond to the clients who ask you to do other's work, and I have to say I was actually scared." you laughed slightly, trying not to move too much, and you saw the little scoff that Rin let out.
"Am I that scary? You've known me for years." he asked. "You look like you want to murder those people! I was ready to get killed when I knocked at your door today!". You could be a bit dramatic at times, but Rin let out an amused laugh after hearing you being scared of him.
After hours of works, and after loads of pain, too much pain, you were finally done. Rin cleaned for the last time all the ink in excess and let you go to check your new tattoo. "I love it!" you turned to him, "Thank you so much, again." He brushed you off, saying that it was nothing. You looked again at your back, happy to finally have your sketch on your skin, before going back to Rin to let him apply the second skin over your tattooed skin.
"I don't think I have to explain to you how to take care of the tattoo." he said while securing that the film was well applied with his palms, you scoffed jokingly. "What if I don't know?" "Then you wouldn't be as good as I thought at your job."
He went to clean everything while you dressed, but you stopped before even putting on your t-shirt, realizing that you bra was still unbuckled and you couldn't buckle it yourself, without taking it off completely, because of the second skin. "Could.. ehm.. could you buckle my bra?". Saying that you looked like a tomato was understatement. "Sure" he answered before placing himself behind you, reaching for the two parts of your bra to buckle them. You could feel his breath on your skin, and even if he literally had his hands on you for hours until a few minutes ago, it felt strange. It felt different.
You quickly dressed to help Rin clean everything so that you two could finally go home and eat, since it was 11 pm and neither of you put something that wasn't water in you stomach since lunch. Fortunately Isagi already cleaned the reception, so all you had to do after cleaning Rin's room was to switch off all the lights and lock the front door of the studio.
While Rin was locking the door, you searched for your house keys in your back pack. "Oh fuck me." you said defeated, "At least take me to dinner first" he said teasingly and you hit him weakly. "Idiot. I forgot my keys at home and my roommate is out of town right now, so I have to sleep in my car." you whined to him, "You can crash at mine if you want." he said, looking at everything but you. "Really?" he nodded in response.
You two made your way to Rin's car, and after a short ride, you were finally in front of his apartment. It was the first time you went to his place, and it totally reflected his personality. It was very clean and tidy, the furnitures were all in the tones of black and gray and the walls were anthracite gray. The only touches of colour were the few photos he put on his furnitures and the multiple drawings hanged on the walls, probably made by himself, since you could recognize his personal style.
"I still have to the grocery store this week, so the fridge is nearly empty. But I should have some cup noodles." he said looking in the cabinets in his kitchen, you hummed in response, leaning on the counter. When he finally found them, he put some water to heat. While you waited for the water to boil, Rin changed his clothes and then he got you an old t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants from his closet, so that you could change too. You changed in the bathroom, then you looked at your reflection in the mirror. You looked a bit ridiculous. His clothes were big on you, making you look shorter than your actual height. But they were comfortable. And smelled good too.
You went back to the kitchen and fortunately your very luxurious dinner was ready. You both nearly devoured your dinner, still standing in the kitchen, making small and nonsense talks between bites. Once you both finished, the talks transformed into a real conversation about your job. You didn't bother to move to his couch or anywhere else, you just leaned on the counter facing each other. It was interesting hearing about how he got his inspirations for his sketches and how he decided to do this job, as you never had the opportunity to talk with him about this things, even in all these years you were friends and worked together.
"How many tattoos do you have?" you asked curiously, you've seen a couple of them on his arms and hands, but you were sure those weren't the only ones. He thought about your question for a few seconds before answering, "About eleven, I think. You?" he questioned back. "Seven, and I'm planning on doing a lot more. I'll probably get some of my favorites from my portfolio. Can I see yours?" you said excitedly, he nodded starting to show you the ones on his arms and hands, with which you were already familiar. Then he proceeded to show the one on his calf, which you already saw when he changed into some shorts earlier. The next ones were one on his knee and one on the back of his thigh.
He turned his back to you, taking off his shirt to show you the tattoo on his back. The tattoo was beautiful, it took all the upper part of his back. You took a couple of steps closer to get a better look to all the details, while Rin explained to you why he got the tattoo in question. Something he did with every tattoo he showed before. He turned back to face you again, finding you a lot closer than before, but he didn't make any move to put distance between the two of you.
For last he showed you the two tattoos on his clavicles, which were mirrored. "This ones are so cool." you reached out to lightly graze your finger tips on them, amazed by their beauty. "Yeah, and they hurt like a bitch." he said, and you chuckled softly, moving your eyes to look in his for a few seconds before turning them back on his skin.
The room suddenly became quiet. Rin observed your movements, you retreated your hands and he already missed the slight heat of your fingertips on his skin. You lifted your gaze again, wondering why he became so silent all of a sudden. You looked in each others eyes for a few seconds. Rin moved first, slightly moving his face towards yours to see what you would do. When he saw you didn't back down, he crushed his lips with yours.
Your hands went immediately to his neck, while one of his was on your left cheek and the other found place on your hip. The kiss was heated from the very first moment, with the both of you growing more and more eager to feel the other by the second. His hands reached you back thighs, helping you to hop on the counter behind you, without stopping the kiss. He positioned himself between your legs, one of the hands remained on your thigh while the other returned to your cheek. When the both of you were breathless, Rin detached from your lips, deciding to leave a trace of kisses from your jaw to your collarbone and back, leaving you panting heavily to catch your breath.
"Wait a moment." you said still a bit out of breath, Rin hummed in response, not stopping his movements, but continuing to kiss your neck. Your hands, which previously moved on the nape of his neck, grabbed his shoulders to stop him completely, "We should stop.".
He looked at you puzzled, "What?" You took a deep breath, "I can't over-sweat. You know this. We should stop." you repeated, even if you really didn't want to. You couldn't risk to get a tattoo infection.
Rin removed your hands from his shoulders, "Don't worry, I have the AC in my room." he said before kissing you again, just as eager as before. You had to stop yourself from laughing, but Rin could feel your slight smile on his lips. When he understood you wouldn't stop him again, he lifted you nearly effortlessly. You yelped in surprise, lacing your arms around his neck and your legs around his hips. He smirked in return, making his way to his room with you in his arms.
#rin itoshi#itoshi rin#rin itoshi x reader#itoshi rin x reader#rin itoshi imagine#itoshi rin imagine#rin itoshi x you#itoshi rin x you#rin x reader#itoshi x reader#blue lock#blue lock x reader#blue lock imagine#blue lock x you#blue lock fic#jjkwritingss
127 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi im putting all my asks in one post again. these are from like the past month and a half approx? some digimon thoughts some tmnt thoughts some art musings u know the usual
@waywardistics YAYY thank you so much for ordering! I'm glad it got to you & that you are enjoying it!
this is kind of a missive to everyone who ordered but: I am very nervous about pre-orders whenever I do them... nervous that not very many people will order, nervous that there will be supply chain or production dilemmas and I won't be able to get copies out to people in a timely fashion, nervous about having people's money but having an indeterminate amt of time where i have not yet "held up my part of the bargain" etc etc SO. THANK U GUYS...FOR ORDERING and being patient and im so glad it got to y'all
@seanonthemoon (idk why i cant tag u BUT) interesting... i gotta be honest I don't think abt the crests that much. i agree that they're very much like heres the "girl" crest heres the "nerd boy" crest etc to the point that it becomes almost meaningless. but i think what makes them even more meaningless to me, and is probably the reason they kind of designated girl/boy crests etc is that i think like the digivices they're toys and merchandise more than they are actual narrative tools LOL. I wouldve loved something with cody and mimi! theyre both so deeply empathetic and sensitive.. theres a lot they share but i think because they look so different on the surface it would make it difficult to market that merch...booo capitalism boooo toy marketing its all sexist bullshit at least here in the u.s. idk if japan is that different though.
I'm actually a little frustrated with how often 02 and 02 related media squanders cody in general lol. he feels like a parallel of izzy, joe, and TK(season 1 tk) while also being kind of none of those and suffering through lackluster characterization as a result... and then once ken joins the team it feels a little redundant. there's a couple cody-centric eps of 02 I remember really liking but then i think abt how he's been used since in like post-series content and 02:the beginning where they made him type on the computer even though obviously that's yoleis thing but because he had nothing else to do and aghh... my blood boils. i feel like the youngest but most serious anime achetype even at its bare bones is actually rly interesting idk why they don't play it up. UM. Once again my opinion is that he should be taller LOL and maybe they should play up his kendo martial arts honorable training stuff more idk. tallest + youngest + most serious just seems like a recipe for success for me. well. theres still time. and theres always fanfic.
THIS IS SO NICE TO SAY and not the first time someone has said it but i appreciate it everytime because i really admire the mm art style so much. It's like part of why I got really into the movie because I really recognized my own artistic sensibilities and aspirations in the way they stylized everything.
UM And i feel like since watching the movie and looking at all the concept art and making my own art i do feel like its only become more obvious how much my own art is lacking LOL LIKE when you see something that feels so similar I think the differences only become more stark. those artists are definitely on a different level than me. But it's nice to hear people say it doesn't look so different from their pov. thank u ^^
thank u!!!!!!! i love mundanity and naturalism... there's something so beautiful abt it to me lol... I feel like my anatomy needs work actually but ive been feeling better abt it this year so it's good to hear! thank you!
DLKGDSGDLALSNDF WAS IT TOO FAR..?? firstly, yeah I was thinking late teen/young adult ages for both of them ie 18-19ish, definitely not the age the kids are in the movie lol.
but also they arent DOING anything in that pic it is literally just a confrontation + some innuendo... I think teens should be allowed some less than subtle innuendo.. its like one of the top 3 classically teen pastimes...
this is such a funny ask to get because i feel like i haven't been able to do thin lineart until like. this past year or two maybe LOL. UM having a line-centric art job helped I think. I started on craig of the creek back in 2022 and thats a show where we spend a lot of time inking so I had a job where I was constantly moderating my line weight 40 hours a week every week for over a year. disappointingly, much of improvement is simply horrendous amounts of practice.
Here's a tip though: I think a lot of thin lineart boils down to confidence. I think instinctively we read thick, bold, fast lines as confident but theres actually a lot of obscuring you can do with a thick line. if you're not sure whether the nose on the face or a browline should be a little more left or a little more down you can hide that with a thick line and pretend its a shadow. or hide it with a bunch of quick lines and the eye can kind of approximate where looks best among the mass.. whereas a thin line is rly singular and stark and hides nothing, it needs to be precise. so anytime i know i want thin lineart i spend a LOT of time sketching, making sure i know exactly where i want my lines to go. so im not second guessing by the time im inking...
ok thats kind of a broad tip lol... here's one thats more applicable: IF POSSIBLE, lower your pressure sensitivity on your device. most devices have some way to edit your pressure sensitivity curve. I use a surface pro at home and this is what my pressure curve looks like most of the time.
When I work on a wacom it looks even more like a reverse L shape LOL. I'm naturally a really heavy-handed artist and I use a "light" or "hard" pressure curve to compensate for how hard I'm always pressing on the pen lol. if you're like me and you struggle with going too hard with the ink too fast... this will probably help a lot!
SFHASLDFH I LOVE THIS ASK this is like the type of question a person gets asked when chalk drawing on the sidewalk at recess LOL. but i understand because I've been struggling also for like. months. I think I'm finally starting to nail it down though so here's some of my observations.
[feel free to save this img but **please do not re-post it or share broadly**. my biggest fear in the world is to spend 30 min on some notes and become a widely proliferated art tutorial im not even kidding. i made it low contrast and difficult to read on purpose.]
my other tip is to just look at and study a lot of reference because that's all ive been doing. the tmnt are really cartoony so its difficult to use like actual anatomical reference unless ur going for that look BUT theres been so many adaptions in so many different styles that there's a real treasure trove of stuff to look at for how to simplify, stylize, and dissect these characters while keeping the recognizable essence. so theres lots to pull from.
If you want to expand further, it's also good to have 5) something sci-fi 6)something fantasy 7)something mundane/slice of life. a bedroom is a really good go-to. And of course some bgs can be two or more of these things at once.
I've definitely answered asks abt bg tips before but here's one specifically for if you want to do bg design for a job:
Your portfolio should probably have at least one of each of the following 1) an interior 2) an exterior 3) a cityscape 4) a nature scene. Just to cover kind of the basics of what you'd be asked to draw on any given project.
I actually feel like I don't have that many cityscrapes in my portfolio... this is something I'm gonna try to work on in the coming year LOL. OH ALSO. This is a very basic tip and people will tell you it all the time but its worth repeating: look up portfolio websites of artists who have the job you want. An easy way to do this is to go onto imdb for any cartoon or movie you like and to find the names listed as "bg/background designer" or whatever then just google that name +"art" or "animation" most artists have some public facing internet presence so it's not hard. spend time studying their work and hold those images in your head! it's a good way to get a good idea of what "industry standard" looks like and comparing ur own art to it... I know people sometimes get bummed comparing their art to others but if you can keep your head up lol.. it'll help you figure out what you need to work on!
.
.
.
ok thats all i have to say sorry for typing so much. happy new year everybody who read this far LMAO!!!!!
42 notes
·
View notes
Text
neon lights pt. 2 | b.h x reader
18+ minors dni - prev chapter . next chapter
contents: adult themes, brief mentions of smut, gambling addiction
Your eyes open one at a time, uncovering the blonde sleeping soundly in front of you. You gasp, sitting up abruptly and looking down at your bodies to confirm your suspicion. You’re both naked, covered by your deep purple sheets. Shit, you did it, you slept with your roommate. You two must’ve tripped into it in a drunken stupor. That much is evident as your head pounds and you see the bottle of Jameson more than half empty on your nightstand. You groan, feeling the soreness between your legs and looking over at Billy sleeping without a care in the world next to you. If only you’d remembered it.
“Billy,” you shove him awake, pulling the sheets up to cover your chest. “Billy, wake up!”
He moans out, “Five more minutes, please.”
“No! Billy, we had sex last night. Wake up!” you demand, the dull pain piercing through your head as you yell.
He abruptly sits up, eyes wide now as he peeks under the covers at his lack of clothes. “Maybe we just got naked? Maybe we didn’t actually do it,” he reasons, turning to you with worry in his eyes.
“Oh we did. I can feel it,” you counter.
He rubs his eyebrows between his hand, squinting his eyes shut. Some flashes of the night appearing behind them. Drunken laughs as he propped your leg up, his face between them. He remembers faintly the MTV playing on television as he ate you out, your fingers roughly pulling at his curls. He feels his dick fill out beneath the sheets, pitching a tent for you to see.
You groan, “Oh, god, Billy!”
“I can’t help it!” he says defensively, trying to will the boner away.
“This is bad, we can’t do this,” you tell him, standing up and when he sees your naked figure, he knows his erection isn’t going away anytime soon.
You throw on the first thing you find but Billy’s giving you an awkward smile, “That’s my shirt.”
You take it off and throw it at him, seeing him squirm from his obvious arousal. “Ugh, can you get rid of that thing?!”
Billy gets off the bed, the sheet leaving to reveal his member bouncing as he stands up. Oh, no, he’s huge, you groan. “Billy!” You exclaim and he quickly covers it with his shirt, excusing himself to the bathroom. And then you’re imagining him stroking himself behind the closed door. God this was bad, that’s why this is bad. Billy was not your usual type, he was too pretty. You liked your men a little rough looking, biker dudes usually your go to. Billy was just too attractive for it to not be dangerous. He was the kind of dude you’d throw your whole life away for if he’d asked. Which was not good. You’d had it once before and that man had left because you wouldn’t quit dancing.
When Billy emerges, his hairs wet and you picture him jacking off in the shower. No! You shake your head, pouring yourself a cup of coffee and crack an egg in the pan you’d been heating up.
“Ah, and she cooks breakfast afterwards,” Billy says with a smirk, walking into the kitchen dressed in lounge clothes. You’d wished one of you were scheduled today so you wouldn’t have to talk about what happened.
“Shut up,” you seethe and Billy pours himself a cup of coffee, bringing to his lips and sipping it eagerly.
You grab the creamer from the fridge to sweeten your coffee, slapping Billy’s hand when he reaches for the bacon you’d just pulled out of the pan. It could be so easy to just fall into things since you two already lived together. But you knew what would happen. He smiles when he hears meowing, walking over to the pantry and grabbing a can of cat food and you mentally slap yourself for forgetting to feed her. Billy kneels down in front of her bowl, dumping of the tuna as she rubs against his legs. With a grateful meow aimed at Billy, your cat eats. You hadn’t been the best owner and Billy really picked up your slack.
“Hungry girl, eh Truffle?” he says, scratching behind her ear.
“Slipped my mind,” you curse, flipping your egg and reaching for the pack of smokes on the counter. You light one up as Billy shrugs.
“That’s what I’m here for,” he smiles and takes a cigarette for himself.
The nicotine feels nice but everything else makes you feel a bit nauseous, the first cigarette after a night of drinking was always the worst. You’d noticed the opposite seemed the case for Billy, having the smoke the first thing he did in the morning no matter what the night before was like. You crack another egg into the pan, dishing a plate up for Billy and handing it to him.
“Mm, thank you,” he hums, taking a seat at the table.
You don’t bring it up again until you’re doing the dishes, Billy coming up behind you and pressing sweet kisses up the back of your neck while his hands grab your hips. It feels amazing and in spite of what you know is right, you melt into his touch for a bit. But the moment is short lived, ripping your gloves off and turning to him.
“No, Billy,” you huff, “We can’t do that.”
He sighs and leans on the counter opposite from you, “Why not?”
“Because, it’ll complicate everything. The roommate thing works for me,” you explain. “Plus, we work together and in this line of work, I have to pretend like I want to fuck every man who walks in that building. You can’t possibly want to watch that if we’re romantically involved.”
Billy raises an eyebrow, “I’m a big boy, I’m fully aware of what your job entails.”
You shake your head, “I’m serious, okay? We can’t.”
He thinks for a beat, “Fine. We won’t. Back to business as usual.”
“Thank you,” you say, watching as he walks back to his room where you don’t see him for the rest of the day and that isn’t business as usual. You worry it’s already been ruined.
Luckily, things return to normal. Almost. Billy brings home women more often than before but you’re happy for him. The girls are always a little too loud, you think, screaming behind the paper thin walls. You roll your eyes whenever you hear it, they have got to be faking. You wished you remembered your guys’ night because maybe, just maybe Billy was actually that good. You’d never truly know.
Your sitting on the couch when Billy walks the latest one to the taxi he’d called for her. She’s very pretty, wearing a cocktail dress and very high heels. You wonder if he met her at the casino. He still had a gambling issue, but he wasn’t late on rent ever. Billy never paid for food but you didn’t mind feeding him. He made up for it in more ways than one. He’d been the perfect roommate.
He plops down beside you, cracking open a beer and lighting a cigarette. His face is all flushed with his blonde curls wildly roused but he still looks like those heartthrobs in the teenybopper magazines. It’s his pink, pouty lips and his blue eyes framed by thick eyelashes, you think. He sees you looking at him and asks, “Have I grown a second head or something?”
You scoff, turning your eyes back to the television, “No, you just look like you’ve done some strenuous activity.”
Billy chuckles, taking a swig of his beer after he humbly agrees, “That I did.”
He kicks his feet up on the coffee table and you roll your eyes, at least he took his boots off this time. “Gross,” you chide and snatch the cigarette from him, taking ownership of it. “Thanks for lighting me a cigarette.”
“Yeah, my pleasure,” he mumbles sarcastically, reaching for the Marlboro Reds again.
“Where’d you meet her?” you ask, bored of the rerun playing on the TV.
“Casino,” he whispers, like he’s ashamed of it.
“Oh so she was a hooker,” you joke, eyes still glued to the Gilligan’s Island episode.
“If she was, I got a helluva discount,” he furrows his brow.
You sigh when he says, “Free- ninety nine,” laughing as he does.
You wonder if you never fell victim to gambling because you grew up around it. Occasionally you would toss a couple dollars in a bartop game but you always got bored quick. Billy obviously loved gambling, he did it every single time he left the house. Sometimes you two would carpool when your shifts fell on the same times and after work, Billy would stop at the casino and you’d just sit and watch while you took advantage of the free drinks. You’d always tell him how boring it was to be at casinos. Especially since after work, you’d be all done up still but wearing something comfortable. You often got asked by scraggly men if you were a working girl and you’d run to Billy, begging him to leave. He usually left then, when you told him you were being creeped on. He’d actually been banned from one of the casinos for getting in a fight with a man who grabbed your arm when you tried to leave.
“So did ya win or lose?” you ask, playing with a loose string hanging from your tank top.
“Both,” he shrugs, “Lost money but it was a good night.”
“Speaking of that… power bill is due tomorrow,” you let him know.
“Yeah, I’ll give you my tips tomorrow,” he sighs and gets up, guzzling his beer down and crushing the can in his hand. “I’m going to bed.”
You don’t say anything else as he trails into the kitchen to toss his empty beer away before disappearing into his room.
-
Billy’s busy behind the bar, it’s packed tonight with a bachelor party and he’s grateful he was blessed with the shift. He’s not exactly who the guys want to order drinks from but he’s making good money anyways. He’s pouring a round of shots, six glasses lined up as he expertly pours the tequila into them.
He hears the song Fascination Street by The Cure and his head jerks up, watching as you emerge to the pole. You’re wearing a leather bikini, hair clipped up as you wrap your fingers around the pole, lifting yourself up and spinning around it elegantly.
“Uh, dude,” he hears and he looks back down to see he’s over poured, tequila spilling down over the glass.
“Shit,” Billy mutters, turning the bottle right side up and setting it down.
“I’d probably do the same if I worked here,” the groom to be levels with him.
“Only do it when this girls on stage,” Billy admits, sliding the line of shots to the group.
“She is hot,” the guy says, the two of them watching as you dance, arching your back as your pressed against the pole.
Billy shakes his head, “It’s 20, for the round.”
The man slips him a 50, “How much for lap dances?”
“Ten,” Billy informs him, sliding his change across the bartop. He desperately doesn’t want to see you on top of this man but he wouldn’t dare stand in the way between you and your money.
You’d told him time and time again that you saw anyone who walked into this place as walking dollar bills. And Billy really had no reason to see it any other way. In the short few months of living together, he’d only seen you bring home one guy and Billy hadn’t ever seen him at the club. He was a biker, who’d Billy had learned to be Trevor. He had hair longer than yours and a beard to compete. Billy had taken note, assuming he wasn’t anywhere close to your type.
“She’s a great dancer,” Billy reluctantly tells the patron. “But buy her a drink first.”
“What does she drink?” the guy asks.
Billy doesn’t answer him, instead pulls out a coupe and grabs a bottle of gin. He’d never met someone who drank gin before you. He makes you a gimlet, having learned it’s your favorite.
“This,” he ushers the drink to the guy as you finish your dance.
“Hey, thanks,” the guy slides Billy the $30, “keep the change.”
It’s a gracious tip, Billy thinks as he tosses the twenty dollar bill in his bucket. He got paid more than your dance, he thinks. That’s why he’s so good at his job, offering these men something they could use whenever they needed. He leans back as you emerge, on the hunt. He lights a Marlboro and watches, the future husband stalking over to you with the drink.
The other bartender walks up to Billy, a smirk on her face. “You two have some game worked out, eh? Making her money and getting her a drink.”
Billy mocks offensiveness, “I’m thinking about our finances.”
“Sure,” she deadpans, grabbing the bottle of Jameson and pouring them shots. Billy had learned of her infatuation with one of the dancers so he related. He cheers his coworker, downing the shot as he watches you straddle the groom.
“Would you just fuck her already?” she chides.
He already has but he wouldn’t tell a soul. He kept it in his back pocket. He serves a few more people during your lap dance. He’s polishing a glass when you sit at the bar.
“That fucking guy is unbelievable,” you vent, “Telling me all about his fiancé with my tits in his face.”
“Aw, cut him some slack,” Billy pouts, pouring you a shot. “He was very impressed by your stage dance.”
“Not enough to throw me a dollar,” you challenge, grabbing the glass but giving Billy a pointed look.
“I literally just took a shot,” he counters.
“It’s no fun drinking alone,” you scold him, calling out to the other bartender, “Becky! Shot!”
She runs over, grabbing two glasses and pouring Jameson into them.
Billy is set in his ways, “We just took one!”
“And someone lost $200 at The Flamingo, take a god damn shot,” Becky admonishes Billy.
“Two hundred dollars?!” you exclaim, giving Billy a look of disappointment.
“Shut up, I’m making it up tonight,” he says, raising the glass to you.
The three of you cheers and down the shots. Becky smiles at you, “Billy had some notes about your dance,” and she bounces away just as quick.
Billy groans, “This fuckin’ bitch. No notes, you did as good as you always do.”
“So you’re watching,” you tease, reaching over to snag the cigarette pack from his jacket pocket.
“Hard not to,” he admits, leaning against the counter.
“I’m good at my job,” you frown, the alcohol pumping through you fueling the flirting.
“Maybe a little too good,” Billy gestures towards the groom walking over with a fifty dollar bill in his hand.
“One more shot, please,” you beg and Billy doesn’t argue, he drove tonight anyways. He pours you a shot of Jameson, thinking about how frisky whiskey made you.
“Ew! Pickle back, now,” you demand and he obliges. He reaches into his pocket for the pack of Big Red and hands you a stick. “Nobody wants pickle breath in their face.”
“Asshole,” you spit but take shot, sliding the piece of gum into your mouth. You jump off the barstool and guide the groom into the private room.
Billy sighs, Becky settling beside him. “You’re obvious, ya know.”
“I am not,” Billy scoffs, wiping the bar with a rag.
Becky looks at him, “Why don’t you just tell her how you feel? I mean, have you ever hit on her?”
“We had sex two weeks ago,” Billy admits without looking at her.
“What?!” Becky shrieks,
“She said we couldn’t do that, that everything was perfect the way it was,” Billy shrugged, attempting to not look bothered.
“How was it?” Becky asks.
“What I remember, it was awesome,” Billy admits.
She groans, “You gotta do it sober or it doesn’t count.”
“That’s stupid,” Billy sighs but his attention is distracted as a group of women walk into the club. “Hi, ladies,” he cheers, gesturing to the empty bar.
When you exit the private rooms, you’re fifty dollars richer and stoked about it. You try not to pay attention to Billy flirting with the bar full of women as you walk up.
Becky catches you, “Another drink?”
“Yeah,” you sigh.
She walks to Billy, poking his side before pointing to you. Billy reaches for the bottle of gin and you push down the thoughts of adoration. He causally hands you the gimlet, winking at you as he does so.
“Tip me when I’m on stage,” you plead, grabbing your drink.
You make your way to the dressing room, changing into your second outfit, a bright red lacy number. You grab your heels out of your bag, the cherry red color a perfect compliment to the rest of the get up. You smear red lipstick on your lips and tease your hair up.
“Dirty, Rotten, Filthy, Stinky!” you hear the crowd sing along and that’s you’re cue. You head the the stage, ready to put on the show of your life.
You strut out, eyes catching the cute bartender as you wrap your hands around the pole. He gives you a wink, your ankle hooking around the pole, swinging you around.
“Cherry pie!” You hear Billy wail, fueling your moves.
Billy’s eyes follow your every movement as he tries to multitask, taking money from the group of women.
“I’d love to see you up on that stage,” he hears. He stops to lean in front of her.
“Too bad they don’t do a ladies night, I’d be up there in a heartbeat,” Billy winks to her.
The group of women were almost like jackpot to him. It wasn’t often women came in the place but when they did, Billy easily made rent in one night. You were thankful, watching from the stage. He wouldn’t have to fork over the entirety of his earnings for bills. The jealousy you feel as you see him kiss the hand of the one ladies is another thing you’ll push down, deal with at another time.
As you exit the stage, you’re anticipating a slow down of lap dances. It was late, maybe three AM. You recall the other night, falling asleep on the couch, cuddling with Billy. You want a repeat of that night, even if you shoved him off of you when you pretended to notice. But in fact, you’d felt so at home in his arms.
When the two of you finally get home, you press a palm against Billy’s cheek. “I’m proud of you for not taking a detour to a casino.”
“You look tired,” he tells you.
“I am,” but you lace your fingers in his, dragging him to your bedroom. He comfortably pulls his converse off, kicking them aside as he shimmies out of his jeans and lays back on your mattress. You change into your pajamas, which is just a baggy shirt and comfortable underwear. Then, you crawl into bed beside Billy, sighing happily as he wraps an arm over you. You curl up into him, your legs intertwining. This isn’t suggestive, you tell yourself. Billy places what you pretend is a friendly kiss on your forehead. And you fall asleep easily in his arms. You hated to admit you struggled without it. The cuddling was becoming an almost nightly occurrence. Whenever he didn’t bring home a girl. You rarely brought Trevor home with you. Billy had only met him twice in the few months.
“Goodnight, beautiful,” Billy mumbles against your ear.
When you wake, it’s because there’s morning wood pressed against your ass. And instead of faking disgust, as you had before, you rub against it. You hear a pleasant but sleepy moan in your ear, encouraging you. Billy’s asleep but rouses slightly as he feels the movement against him.
You two have the day off again, you remember. You could spend the entirety of it pulling sweet orgasms from each other if you wanted. Which in spite of your strict personal interest, you do. The way he was watching you dance all night had you sincerely wanting him. You thought, Hell, he deserved it. He could’ve hand any of those women last night, but you’d actually seen him turn them down.
You turn over to look at his face, really studying it. God damn he’s so handsome. You let his attractiveness push your actions further, your palm pressing against his erection. You see him smile, activity behind his eyelids telling you he’s awake. You don’t look away from his face once he slowly opens his eyes, groping him through his briefs.
“Good morning,” his low voice greets you, the sound of it sending another ripple of arousal through you.
Everything about this fucking guy drove you wild and you hated it. God was cruel, dropping this fate into your lap when you thought you were perfectly content. “Morning,” you croak out, your eyes still scanning over his gorgeous face while you palm at him.
He smiles, perfect teeth peeking through and it’s like a punch to the gut.
“And to what do I owe this pleasure to?” his sleepy voice chirps.
“How stupidly hot you are,” you seethe, sliding your hand into his underwear to get a better handle on him.
“Ugh,” he moans, his eyes rolling back.
“Look at me,” you demand and Billy obeys, correcting his eyes to meet yours. The brightness of them is spine-tingling. The prettiest blue you’ve ever seen. “You know how good looking you are?”
He chuckles, “I’ve been told.”
“It’s not fair,” you tell him, “I don’t want to be involved with anyone. I don’t want to deal with that shit, but you’re so fucking hot it drives me insane.”
You bring your palm to your mouth and lick it, wrapping around Billy’s girth again and stroking him slowly.
“Fuck,” he breathes out, eyes fluttering shut.
The power you have is something you’re used to, you deeply want him to take over. To pin you down and make you fall apart beneath him. But this is familiar enough that you continue, a little too shy to tell him what you want.
“You’re used to it, huh?” you challenge him, fingers wrapped around the base of his cock as you squeeze him. He chokes out another moan. “So used to women throwing themselves at you.”
Billy’s a tad uncomfortable due to your words, it almost sounded spiteful and he wasn’t sure if he liked it. He knew he liked how you were touching him but you sounded angry and that wasn’t something he liked. The praise was nice, though. He liked when people told him how attractive he was.
“Why do you sound so angry?” he asks, his eyes looking into yours.
“Because I am,” you retort, “I was perfectly fine with everything before you came here.”
Billy grabs your wrist, his face contorting in confusion.
“No one’s forcing you to touch my dick, ya know,” he says, peeling you away.
“Wait- Billy,” you sighs, “I’m sorry. I’m just… I don’t know. I feel like it’s such a bad idea to do this but fuck, I want you so desperately.”
He sits up, rubbing his face in his hands.
“Well I apologize that I don’t find it super arousing to be talked down to like that.”
“Billy…” you sit up, looking to him. You can’t say anything else, not sure what to do or what to say.
“Hey, you either want me or you don’t,” Billy adjusts himself under the sheets and your ego is a little bruised when you notice he’s no longer hard. “You’re probably right. This is a bad idea and the both of us need to get a fucking handle on it if we’re gonna live together.”
He’s out of your room before you can comprehend what just happened. He’s right, though. You really needed to keep your feelings in check. You and Billy couldn’t be together.
#billy hargrove x y/n#billy hargrove imagine#billy hargrove x you#billy hargrove au#billy hargrove fanfiction#billy hargrove fic#billy hargrove smut#billy hargrove angst#billy hargrove x female reader#billy hargrove x f!reader#billy hargrove x reader
193 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
