#this is about meltdowns not shutdowns btw
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autism and strong emotion just be like… SHAKE! SHAKE SO HARD! BUT FEEL TRAPPED BY THE PRISON OF YOUR BONES *screams*
#this is about meltdowns not shutdowns btw#if any other autistics see this pls say if this is also your experience with strong negative emotions#i’m curious how universal this particular description is#particularly if that’s how meltdowns feel for you#autistic community#autism#autistic#actually autistic#autistic things#autistic experiences#being autistic#neurodivergent#neurodivergency#asd#autism spectrum disorder#autism struggles#autism stuff#meltdown#autistic meltdowns
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Kinda hate that when talking about autism being a disability, some people only focus on the sensory part and ignore every other trait that can be disabling, or minimize those. Autism isn't only about sensory issues and these are not the only thing that make us have difficulties and be disabled.
Communication difficulties, social difficulties, difficulties with emotional regulation, rigid thinking, executive dysfunction, etc, are also traits that can be very disabling, and cause meltdowns and shutdowns, btw.
Not saying that sensory issues are not important, they are but they are not the only thing that make autism a disability.
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Hello...I have a question... I've suspected I've had autism for a while now, (I'm a teen btw). I've read articles (from medical sites), and taken tests such as the RAADS test (134 points on that one) for example.
However....I've never had a sensory overload. No meltdowns or stuff like that. Is it still possible I have autism?
Hi there,
Since everyone on the spectrum is different, I do think some can have autism without having meltdowns/shutdowns. Meltdowns and shutdowns aren’t necessarily a diagnosis criteria for autism. According to the CDC:
To meet diagnostic criteria for ASD according to DSM-5, a child must have persistent deficits in each of three areas of social communication and interaction
Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity
Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction
Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships
Restrictive repetitive patterns of behavior
Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech
Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior
Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus
Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment
I’ll link the source below so you can read through it.
I hope this answers your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️
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Tanjiro's Overstimulated Reality.
Tanjiro's Overstimulated Reality.
by aleyx3809
A series of tanjiro just being overstimmed bc I like angst…IM SORRYYYY OK. I swear he’ll get a break but anyways I hc that he’d be overwhelmed about 40% of the time…which is a lot lol. (Coming from an autistic person btw)
Words: 367, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English
Fandoms: 鬼滅の刃 | Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba (Anime), 鬼滅の刃 | Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba (Manga)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Kamado Tanjirou, Kamado Nezuko, Agatsuma Zenitsu, Hashibira Inosuke, Uzui Tengen, Tomioka Giyuu, Kochou Shinobu
Relationships: Agatsuma Zenitsu/Kamado Tanjirou, a little - Relationship
Additional Tags: Autism, autistic tanjiro, I have no one else to share this with pls, autistic meltdown/shutdown, more autism, author is autistic, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I think about tanjiro a lot, Sad, Teen Angst, zentan possibly if u squint, giyuu father figure, Shinobu mother figure, Internal Struggle, Denial of Feelings, denial of meltdown, if You squint you can see autistic giyuu too, Kamado Nezuko is a Good Sibling, nezuko is also autistic sorry not sorry, Bisexual Disaster Agatsuma Zenitsu, also tanjiro is pan bc I said so, not that it has plot relevance but…pretend it does, i just like head canons, im so sad over tanjiro im sorry, notice how half the characters are autistic, Autism Spectrum, A little bit of hurt/no comfort, Hurt No Comfort, Why Did I Write This?, I feel bad now…oops, I'm Sorry
From https://ift.tt/M28WwPg
https://archiveofourown.org/works/48743263
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Writing Autistic Emotions: Grief
hello hi greetings to all the allistic writers with autistic characters who have stumbled upon this post! I've decided to start a series of posts that talk about autism and emotions, specifically in regards to how your autistic characters may experience/process/show their feelings.
You already know (I hope, anyway) that autistic people tend to express our emotions in a different way to our allistic counterparts. This post in particular will encompass something I'm sure all you evil evil (affectionate) writers are inflicting upon your characters, including your autistic ones: grief.
Autistic grief is not like neurotypical grief. (That's a link to a great article, btw.) Autistic people are not going to process grief like allistics, and showing this with your characters can give extra accuracy.
Essentially, autistic people often do not do the whole "feel your emotions strongly, cry your eyes out, want to be around people and share in your struggles, are really sad and upset" thing. That's just not how a lot of us tick.
For instance, I lost a family member in 2020. Everyone around me was crying, talking about how they missed her/telling stories about her, constantly thinking of her, throwing themselves into funeral plans, etc. I... cried twice.
Once a few hours after I found out about it, and then once months and months later when it actually hit me. I didn't want to talk to people about her, I didn't know what I was feeling (that is called alexithymia and is common in autistics), and I didn't understand everyone's need to dwell on her. As my low-empathy and high-alexithymia brain processed it, I came to the conclusion that crying & socializing was exhausting and it did not bring her back. However, I was also often tired, frustrated, and irritable during that time--that was my grief.
Autistic grief may look like:
seeming to not be grieving at all, only to have the emotions hit several months later
seeming to be ignoring the source of grief/unbothered by it
having most of the distress stem from everyone dwelling on the source of grief and making us be involved, instead of the source itself
increased meltdowns and/or shutdowns
increased sensory sensitivity/sensory issues
difficulty understanding why everyone is taking so long to grieve and crying so much (especially if we're in the first bullet point, aka not processing until long after everyone else is done)
feeling really really intensely, especially in regards to anger. This is the opposite end of what I am, so I won't touch too heavily on that, but autistic emotions can 100% be extreme
having difficulty describing their grief beyond "It feels bad"
not even realizing we're grieving, but having high exhaustion and stress levels that signal we definitely are
less energy for socializing and communicating; isolating themselves
difficulty with everyday tasks
lowered verbality (a semi-verbal autistic being nearly nonverbal, a usually verbal autistic talking much less or having much more difficulty with it, etc)
throwing ourselves into our Special Interests to an even higher degree as a way to cope (we already use them to cope in everyday life, after all)
using our self-soothing stims a lot more (i.e. i rock when under stress; grieving may have people noticing a lot more rocking from me)
TLDR: autistic people's experiences of grief often manifest in us becoming more "visibly autistic", having difficulty with our emotions/increased alexithymia, exhaustion, and in general not grieving in the "typical" way.
I'm not saying autistics ALWAYS grieve like this (we're not a monolith) and I'm not saying NTs can't also have this way of grieving, but these are just some aspects of grief that autistic people often experience that you can give to your autistic characters. Other autistic people feel free to add on & allistics feel free to rb!
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octonauts angst head canons
This escalated fast 🙃
I'm not. I cant do just straight up angst I'm. I'm need that comfort I dknt want them to suffer :(
Theyre a family they love each other!
But uhm. *cracks knuckles* here goes? Oh btw my hands are numb so I'm sorry if there's to many spelling errors
Captain Barnacles
Extremely claustrophobic. Hates any small space that he cannot get out of. If he's in trapped somewhere to long he panics horribly
Worries about the others if he doesn't know exactly where they are. With the amount if times they've all been separated with no real way to find each other he worries that one of them may get lost
Should one of them get hurt Captain Barnacles just. He does what he can but he has a bit of a anxiety attack later because he feels he should've prevented it. He's the Captain after all
He misses his old home. He loves it on the Octopod, but sometimes there's just. Something else that's missing.
Sometimes the pressure of feeling like. Like uhm. Being Captain and being responsible for his crew. It gets to much sometimes. Especially when something goes wrong.
Kwazii
He's very fidgety so being in confined spaces isn't great for him either.
Sometimes he feels ljke. Like he annoys the others with his tales of monsters and just. Just stuff like that
Worries that he's going to lose his crew. His family. He doesn't want to be cast away.
Gets really upset if he thinks someone is reallt mad at him. He tries to fix whatever he did as soon as possible
He does have a mysterious pirate past. Im assuming he didn't stay with his old crew. Maybe due to how he sees the world, especially sea life .
Worries that his stimming might be annoying to a degree
Has some . Mysterious scars. He says he got them in battle with a dangerous sea monster.
Gets dysphoric occasionally. Especially if he's already upset.
Peso
So much anxiety. He gets overwhelmed real easily and panics quickly. This can cause a complete shutdown or a panic attack
I believe he's the youngest on the Octopod. Because of this and a few other reasons he feels like. Like he doesn't really know his place. He's a medic obviously, but he's not as experienced as everyone else is
He worries horribly when someone gets hurt, and overthinks that soemthine might be worse than it is.
If two or more of the crew gets into an argument, the angry type, Peso has to flee to his room and lock the door. He doesn't like his friends fighting, and angry people tend to make his insecurities worse. He'll start to think its all his fault and lock himself in a loop
When he has a meltdown its . Hard to pull him out of it. He tends to fixate on just. Every thing wrong.
Peso just. Really doesn't want to let anyone down.
He misses his family. He loves his found family! But like Barnacles, he does miss his other one
Terrified of the dark. Has gotten a bit better abojt his fear but. Still hates the dark
Dashi
Dashi doesn't have break downs easily ,but when she does it's really rough
She can't be in the quiet too long because the silence just. It messes with her. Makes her feel uneasy
She tries to take things easily, but when she gets overwhelmed or angry she tends to snap at the others. This can cause problems
She's also not as experienced as say, Captain Barnacles, Kwazii, and Tweak. She's a tech expert, but she's not super used to being underwater all the time
She wishes she could contribute more to the team
She has a few chronic pains that come an go. Its really. Some days can be bad
Tweak
Tweak cant sleep. She has horrible insomnia.
This can make mornings especially difficult, and if she doesn't get enough sleep she gets bad mood swings. This can lead to fighting
They get bad dysphoria, and sometimes they just. Hate that they feel that way.
As the creator of the Gups, he feels guilty when skemthing goes wrong with one of them. Especially if a glitch or something she missed gets someone else hurt.
Sometimes they'll work themselves into a frenzy and forget just. Basic self care lkke drinking water or eating.
Tweak worries about being to blunt and hurting someone else's feelings.
Worries about not knowing exactly what tk do.
Doesn't like loud noises at all. They bother her a lot
Shellington
Shellington very much has autism! This makes it a bit harder to understand social cues and if the others are fighting he sometimes accidentally makes things worse.
It also makes it hard if things go off schedule. He gets just. Overwhelmed and . If it's really bad has a meltdown
Sometimes fears he's doing something wrong. Like , like what he says and things like that. He over thinks an gets really anxious about it
He doesn't like angry yelling, it's a trigger for him. He'll shut down or have a meltdown.
Worries he annoys the crew when he infodumps
He's glad the vegimals (basically his children) have the rest of the Octonauts to fall back on if they need something he can't provide, but it does. Hurt a little, knowing he can't help them with everything
Shellington can accidentally lock himself into his research for hours at a time. Unhealthy so. Usually the Vegimals can break him out of it but not all the time.
Professor Inkling
I cant think of much for him, other he is old. He worries that the Octonauts, that his family will be. Just . Distraught.
He worries about all of them, a lot. He knows their young anf capable but. He's seen some of the stuff that happens. Its not always a safe job
He's more or less a therapist to everyone, and does his best to listen and help then with their problems. If he can't , he just let's them have a shoulder to cry on.
Yeah I m. Km not gonna do this to the Vegimals they're kids. I cannot :(
But because that was. Upsetting and . Sad . Im gonna do comfort ones now!! Because they're a family for the Goddesses sake!! They love and support each other through the hard times. I'm not gonna go one by one its hsut gonna be. A jumble of comfort things
Here goes!!
The only one who really knows about Captain Barnacles' claustrophobia is Kwazii. It's not in his medical file for some reason. Anyway Kwazii will generally help Barnacles through a panic attack or joke with him to more or less put him at ease.
Kwazii is actually pretty open with his emotions. It's also really easy to pick up on when he's upset. The others get him gifts and littke trinkets or just spend time goofing off with him to cheer him up. Especially when he feels like he's being left behind.
Everyone does their best to help Captain Barnacles when he's just. Over worked. Or seriously worried. They let him sleep in extra or let him hover over them or just. Just listen to him and reassure him that it's OK to feel overwhelmed. They're ok, theyre all ok . During a day like that they host a movie night and take turns picking movies. All of them are there, and they have a wonderful time. If their Captain cries no one says anything anf they just huddle together and stay there as long as he needs
If there's a fight Barnacles or Kwazii usually de-escalate things before it gets too bad. If it results to yelling and Peso or Shellington flee they immediately stop and fix the situation. After wards they send someone to check on the both and they spend time calming down. Sometimes they watch movies, other times they ready together.
If Peso had a panic attack its normally Kwazii or Captain Barnacles who goes and helps. Mostly because they know how how deal with the situation better. They'll just. Sit an hug it out. Just let it all out an then afterwards they go somewhere quiet an just talk about nice things
Dashi checks on Tweak a lot to make sure she's doing ok. Skemtimes they have little sleepovers!
When Shellington gets overwhelmed the vegimals will jsut sit with him and ask questions about sea life!
#holly answers#octonauts headcannons#my goddess this is long#long post#uhhhhhhhhhhsjsnns im tired now#this was hard to think about because#because i like to think of silly scenarios and fluff#ok dont make me hurt them :(#octonauts
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I'm Autistic
Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.
Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.
So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.
You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.
A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.
But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.
But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."
Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.
But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)
There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.
I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.
What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.
(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)
Now... onto the traits and experiences.
My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)
Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)
Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.
I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)
Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.
Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.
Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.
"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)
I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.
Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)
Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.
I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.
I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.
Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.
Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.
DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN
Special interests (I'll get into these later).
Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.
Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).
I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.
Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.
Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).
I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.
Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.
Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.
Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.
Words and actions often misunderstood by others.
Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.
Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.
Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."
Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).
Will not do "girly" things like shopping.
Takes relationships seriously.
There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.
Often prefers the company of animals.
So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.
But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.
Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.
This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.
My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)
The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.
Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)
Halloween (forever)
the color orange (forever)
dinosaurs (forever)
Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)
animals (forever)
Godzilla movies (forever)
monster movies (forever)
Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)
Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)
Dragonball Z (forever)
Sailor Moon (on-and-off)
Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)
Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)
horror movies (forever)
Transformers (temporary)
Dark Knight movie (temporary)
Harley Quinn (temporary)
Lobo (temporary)
X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)
neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)
books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)
sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)
BDSM (on-and-off)
feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)
anarchism (forever)
ecology (forever)
Pleistocene epoch (forever)
goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)
Hellblazer (temporary)
Serbian heritage (on-and-off)
bats (temporary)
arachnids (forever)
teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)
gardening (current; unsure)
Russian language (current; unsure)
DIY things (forever)
Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.
I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).
In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)
Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.
Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"
In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).
I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.
In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.
I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)
Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.
Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.
Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.
I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.
Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."
I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.
I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.
I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.
Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.
High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.
My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.
Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.
The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.
Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).
While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.
Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.
I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.
Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.
I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.
I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.
Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.
I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).
I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.
I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).
I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)
Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.
I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.
Interest "Webs."
I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).
Back to ecology and paleoecology...
I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.
But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.
There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.
On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.
See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.
The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.
Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.
My Sensory Traits
I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).
I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.
My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.
Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)
Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.
Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.
Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.
I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.
Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.
I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.
I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.
Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.
I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)
Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.
Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.
Artificial cherry flavoring is death.
The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.
The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.
Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.
The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.
There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.
My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.
I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.
All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.
The smell of artificial cherry is death.
I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.
I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.
Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.
ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.
I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.
I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.
Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.
Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.
No two people's car interiors smell alike.
I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.
I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.
Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.
I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.
My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.
Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.
The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.
I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)
Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).
Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.
Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.
I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.
I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.
Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.
The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)
Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.
I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.
However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."
One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.
I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.
I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).
I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.
I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.
I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.
I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.
If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.
Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.
I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.
Can't have tight footwear. No.
The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.
I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.
Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.
Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.
Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.
Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.
(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.
Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)
In Conclusion
This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"
There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.
I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.
Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.
I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.
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hello! I saw one of your previous asks and I was wondering if I could ask you for some writing help too! I have an autistic character that i love, but I'm not sure how to convey that this character is autistic in a way that feel aunthentic and organic instead of stereotyped, specially since she's a girl and I haven't seen many (accurate) representations of autistic girls in the media. I've seen videos about autistic people and they've been very helpful on what not to do, but + I would still love
to get some of the 'do's' what i have so far is that she has a Fixation on the sea, she has a hard time reading sarcasm and/or emotions in others, and she has an overall seemingly 'detached' personality (even if I wouldn't call her that, since she cares about the people she loves, she's just bad at putting it into words). I jsut want to make sure i'm on the right path! thank you so much for listening and I hope this is not a bother!
Hi Anon! I’m not bothered at all and I’m happy to answer this kind of ask. As always, I can only speak for myself, but I’ll try to give you a few pointers. (The previous ask mentioned is this one.)
First, it’s lovely to hear about an autistic girl! I’m not sure if you’re speaking about an adult or a child/teenager, but either way, it can be interesting to read about how autism can look a bit different in women. The gender distinction that has often been made is something I don’t agree with because I feel that it’s an unnecessary shortcut, but a number of autistic people, in majority women and people socially perceived as female, learn to “adapt” more to neurotypical standards by masking their autistic traits a lot, and might not be detected as autistic until adulthood. Masking takes a lot of energy, which can translate as feeling “socially exhausted” all the time and lead to burnout. This article list traits that can be found that are less common and obvious. It is far from perfect imo, but it can give you new ideas!
You didn’t really say if your character is a main or a side character (which changes the amount of detail you’ll want to go into) but so far to me you seem to be on the right track! Having a hard time reading people is something a lot of us struggle with. It might not just be sarcasm, btw, understanding metaphors and jokes can also be hard. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a sense of humor: it’s entirely possible to be able to use sarcasm and struggle with noticing it when it comes from other people, and a lot of autistic people have a very developed and specific sense of humor that can be seen as odd.
The “detached” personality is something you may have to handle with care because lack of empathy is a harmful stereotype. Maybe look up the difference between cognitive and affective empathy. Some of us do struggle with empathy, many of us struggle with expressing it in a way that’s comprehensible to neurotypicals, but it doesn’t mean that we lack it. It’s fine for your character to struggle with it, but be careful that she doesn’t end up seeming cold/robotic if she’s not the POV character.
Now for some “do’s”: I’m only going to talk about autistic traits here and assume that you’ve fleshed her out with an actual personality outside of her autism, just like you would any other character.
- I agree that it has to come up organically, but it would be a lot better in terms of representation to make her explicitly autistic, ie use the word autistic. It doesn’t have to be at the beginning of the story. If you’re in a fantasy setting or for some other reason you can’t use the actual word, then describing something like neurodiversity would be a good way to make it explicit. In fanfic, I personally think that tagging “autistic [character]” is enough if the fic is short(ish) and the word isn’t used in the story but the character’s autism is fairly clear, but in an original story, you don’t really have that possibility.
- Something I like to do when coming up with original autistic characters is to choose a few specific stims from them, that regularly come back in my descriptions. It falls under the same umbrella as choosing mannerisms, it gives characters their own specific flavor. You can choose a happy stim, a nervous stim and a bored stim, for example. Autistics stim a lot and in a lot of ways, but I think most of us have a few stims that come back often. It can be things like chewing on a toy/finger, flapping in a specific way, rocking on their heels, twirling hair, fidgeting with a toy or jewelry.
- Sensory differences. It’s also something that you can choose for your character: maybe she likes to listen to music very loudly, and often speak a little too loudly, or on the contrary she’s hyperacusic. She might wear sunglasses outside, or need lights on all the time. She might need subtitles to understand a movie, or be super distracted by sparkly things. She might not make eye contact, or make it too much, or seem to make it by looking somewhere close to the person’s eyes. She might find touch painful or difficult, or seek it constantly, or both (can depend on the moment, how tired she is, or if she trusts the person).
- Like I’ve said before, meltdowns/shutdowns are a delicate thing to portray if you’re not autistic yourself, but overloading can and does happen without going all the way to either of them. It’s actually fairly frequent, and happens when there is too much sensory (or emotional) stimuli at the same time or a too long day or something. From the inside, it can look like struggling to think, feeling like your skin is crawling, feeling like everything is too much, and struggling to initiate actions/figure out the steps to do something. From the outside, it can look like the person is rejecting touch, needs to isolate themself, is irritated, might struggle to speak/be very quiet. As long as the character isn’t mocked for their behavior, I think it’s something you can portray without too much risk.
- A specific interest about the sea is a nice idea! The sea is a very large subject, though, so she’ll probably have a predilection for some things. Is it water currents? Fish species? Underwater plants? Beaches? There’s a lot of options to choose from here.
- Maybe think about co-occuring conditions, because most of us have at least one. Some are very hard to distinguish from autism itself, like dyspraxia or ADHD, because they’re linked or similar to autistic traits. A lot of us are also disabled in some other way: for example there’s a clear (though unexplained) link between autism and hyperflexibility, which can lead to joint pain, gut issues and chronic illnesses like EDS. Many of us have mental illnesses, growing up autistic in this world is honestly traumatizing and it’s hard to find autistics without some kind of C-PTSD or anxiety (on that subject, this post points out that the current diagnostic criteria can probably only diagnose traumatized autistic people anyway).
- A pretty good portrayal of an autistic girl (and to my knowledge the only one where the actor is also autistic) is Matilda in Everything’s Gonna be Okay. I didn’t actually watch until the end and I’ve been told the last episode isn’t great, but the start was pretty good. She’s a teenager, and at one point gets a girlfriend who is also autistic and has a service dog. In Elementary, while Sherlock is only autistic-coded, there is at one point (season 4 I believe) a recurring character named Fiona who I thought was a pretty good portrayal as well. She’s an adult, and she’s stereotypical in some ways but it’s better than most portrayals I’ve seen or read.
I would advise you to have a look through the blog @cripplecharacters. They answer asks about disabled characters, and I know they have answered a number of questions about autism and have at least one autistic mod. Their answers are usually very interesting!
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Ah yes, I also found another prospect I'm cautiously hopefully about.
A pretty well-reviewed salon here in Malmö, specializing in curly and Afro-textured hair! I think somebody recommended it a while back on Reddit, but can't find that just now. (Though I did get also get a good lead on a store chain specifically stocking CG-friendly and other products aimed at curlies!)
Since that desperate Big Chop during the Septic Slump last July, I've just been sticking with the minimal-fuss home buzz cuts. Also keeping it easier to cycle through colors! But, it's feeling like time for another change.
I have never liked other people messing with my head, though it doesn't send me off straight to Meltdown City like when I was little. Quite. 😰 And I am just not comfortable with the frequent expectation to be chatty at hair places, while I am trying to avoid total meltdowns/shutdowns*. It was easier when my mom was around to go along and run social interference, because with her own gift of gab? She actually enjoyed it.
That is, of course, extra complicated these days by the possible language barriers. Not to mention being able to clearly communicate what I want, with way too much experience of coming out looking like Larry, Moe, AND Curly at the same time dealing with hairstylists who just don't understand non-straight hair! Throw in some rather different gender shit, and yeah I'm extra worried for my hair...and so much else. 🤡😵
Anyway, even though hair salons in general are a setting it's been a little too tempting to totally avoid, since I have realized that this is a thing I can do? I do want some professional help, and I am at least hopeful that somebody who actually understands how hair like mine behaves can help the whole growing out process go less awkwardly awful. And that this might be a place to find them!
And that, with any luck? The other awkwardness might just get written off as coming from being a foreigner with some level of language barriers. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I also ran across some immediate hair inspiration, from somebody whose hair looks to behave a lot like mine. But sort of moving in reverse, likely trying to get it grown back out from a big chop--while recovering from it falling out from a different health crash! 😬 Serious sympathies there, btw, but OP is really rocking the new look.
Hopefully, that could help my chances of ending up with at least half-decent results. *fingers crossed*
_________
* I did actually shut down to the point of nodding out from sheer overload a couple of times when I was younger, and pushing to avoid a Completely Unacceptable public meltdown. This was not because I found the whole process so relaxing, though maybe luckily that's how they chose to interpret it. 💀
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To autistic people who are starting to menstruate...
Okay I’m gonna go all auntie Cyndi on all my younger autistic followers who are new to having periods. I’ve been having my periods for over 20 years now, so I’m experienced in this.
First off, you may have your first period and not have another one for a few months. Your periods may start and happen like clockwork. Your periods may always be irregular.
It’s normal for your ovulation and menstruation to shift throughout the year just like the seasons shift the sun’s position in the sky.
On average, your period comes about two weeks after you ovulate. I’ve pinned mine down enough to know I bleed exactly 19 days after I ovulate, so I can look at a calendar and figure out within a four day margin of when to expect my period. Note that I said on average, some people may have a shorter or longer menstrual cycle.
You’ll know you’re ovulating when you produce a lot of mucus from your vagina that looks and feels like raw egg white. It’s clear, a little more viscous than your spit, it’s very slippery and it will drip out in long strings. I produce a lot, another person may not produce much. If you notice you’re really slimy down there when you’re wiping after you pee, and the toilet paper comes away with stringy slimy stuff on it, take note of the date you saw that and note the date again when get your period. Keep taking notes and a pattern may emerge. That’s your menstrual cycle.
NOTE: If you have unprotected sex during this time, you have a strong chance of getting pregnant. Sperm can swim a long way and survive a long time in the Fallopian tubes, waiting for an egg to come down. Always assume you can get pregnant between the time of finishing a period and starting the next one.
(And I hope this second one never happens to you, but...)
If you were raped during this time, and if they ejaculated inside you or on your vulva, you may get pregnant.
Always practice safe sex and use birth control if you want to avoid pregnancy, and if you were raped you need to assume they got you pregnant and get help to deal with it ASAP.
Now, lemme tell you a little about periods and autism going together.
PMS and your period can really mess with your sensory issues, your meltdown / shutdown threshold, your tolerance for socializing and your ability to control emotions.
You might have brain fog and just feel yucky and groggy.
You might find you want to sleep more or can’t sleep at all.
You might wake up with your armpits sweating heavily.
You may notice you start sweating with less exertion, or you walk into a warm room and swear you’re standing on the sun.
On the flipside, you may feel colder than usual, so walking into a cooler place will feel like walking into Antarctica.
Your skin may get more oily and that may mean greasier hair and more pimples. I know that feels unfair if you already have a lot of acne and problems with hygiene. If your hair length permits washing your hair in a sink, you can do that if a shower is too much. Try to wash your face gently with a wet washcloth when you wake up and before going to bed. Make sure to remove all your makeup before retiring to sleep if you wear any, because it will clog your pores even more if you don’t.
Your body odor may intensify, so keep baby wipes and deodorant / antiperspirant around if showering is hard. Hand sanitizer wiped on your pits can help in a situation where you realize you reek and can’t wash off, but only use that in emergencies.
You may experience some constipation and gas. That’s progesterone’s fault, sometimes it slows down your colon.
You may go from constipated to having huge, greasy poops or even some diarrhea. That’s your hormones shifting. Sometimes a period is a natural laxative because your intestines move a little faster thanks to the hormones that make your uterus contract (prostaglandins) to push out the endometrium. So if you have issues with fecal incontinence, you may have to deal with extra odors and messes when you change your incontinence protection.
Once your period starts, you’ll probably have to pee a lot more often. This is your body getting rid of the water it retained. If you deal with urinary incontinence, this might mean you need to change your incontinence protection more often to avoid infections, skin breakdown and odors.
Btw, you can dehydrate a little as your body sheds the excess water, so make sure to stay hydrated. I take three small sips or one big gulp from my water bottle after I use the bathroom during my period. It’s a helpful routine.
You may have food cravings and appetite changes. You may feel always hungry or not want to eat much or at all. Your desire to samefood might increase. (Mine is currently the cheese pizza flavored Cheez-Its.) Increased hunger is your body getting ready to lose nutrients through your menstrual flow. If you don’t feel your hunger signals, notice if you feel irritable or weak more often, it may mean you need to eat.
Your boobs may get a little bigger and get achy-feeling, so much that you can’t stand a bra or binder. You may get achy feelings in your joints or muscles. It’s likely water retention.
You may put on some weight. This is also water retention. You may find you always gain around the same about of weight each time you’re close to your period.
You may be really impulsive or take risks you wouldn’t usually take, sometimes to the point of recklessness.
You may feel restless like you want to climb out of your skin. Your frustration threshold might plummet to nothing, so everything is aggravating.
If you have self injurious meltdowns, you may have more SIB than usual. You might also notice an increased need to stim, and sometimes stimming doesn’t help you feel better or calm down.
If you’re physically able, try to do something that makes you exert yourself, like jogging, moving heavy things or some other kind of vigorous exercise. Even dance is good if that’s what you enjoy. Think of it as venting excess energy so it’s not stuck in your chest.
If you’re not physically able to exert yourself, try snuggling under a weighted blanket and pressure stimming. Think of it as drawing excess energy to where you’re putting pressure so it’s not stuck in your chest.
You may have mood swings and default to a certain mood so much that you feel stuck in it.
If you’re prone to migraines, you’re more likely to have one when you’re premenstrual.
All of this can be scary if you’re still new to having periods.
See a doctor if your bad feelings are so bad that you get super depressed and have suicidal thoughts two or more periods in a row, It could be PMDD, which is the nasty older sister of PMS.
PMDD is premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or a very extreme version of PMS.
It’s kinda normal for PMS symptoms to vary in intensity from month to month, but if you find yourself consistently in a very bad mental state before your period, you may need extra help to handle it.
Once your flow starts, you might have bursts of feeling REALLY good or affectionate: that’s because of oxytocin and maybe some serotonin, enjoy it.
Your flow may be fairly light, get heavy and then lighten again. You may start with a lot of gushes and then it lightens up until it stops. If you normally have a light flow and suddenly it turns heavy with an increase in cramping, there may be a problem that needs a doctor to check out. If your heavy flow gets even heavier, to the point that you’re soaking through the thickest pads, there may be a problem. Don’t let them blow you off, be firm. “I don’t normally bleed this much or have this much cramping, something is up.”
Things like stress, weight gain or weight loss can affect your period. Being sick can sometimes throw it off. Periods are fickle, annoying and weird things. Keep track of them, take note of the color and amount of your flow and get to know it. Knowing your body at its baseline will help you recognize it later if something goes wrong. It may take your cycles time to find their “normal” as your body figures out how to handle having periods.
It never hurts to always have a pad, tampon, menstrual cup or whatever you use to catch your flow. Keep it in your backpack, purse, pocket, etc.. If you prefer pads, it’s always a good idea to put one in your underwear if you’re expecting your period and you go out somewhere. That way it won’t be a huge emergency if your flow starts. Putting one in when you go to sleep at the time you expect your period flow can also help you sleep easy and not worry about making a mess in your bed.
(I personally prefer thick pads, so it feels like I won’t leak, but I know that may be a sensory yuck for someone else. Try different things till you find what works.)
Those little gushes you feel occasionally are normal. Yeah, sometimes you will feel your period goop coming out. Some advice: when you’re using the toilet, push a bit and then do a kegel, which is squeezing the muscles in your vagina that stop your pee from flowing— you might push a lot of period stuff out. It’ll help you not have to change your pad as often.
I’m cis, so I can’t speak on how taking testosterone will affect periods. I will leave this open for an autistic person who is taking T to add to this if they want. 👍🏻
Now that I said all that, it’s possible you may have zero premenstrual issues and your period won’t cause you much trouble at all. Every uterus-owning body is different. People already dealing with depression or other mood disorders may have more trouble during their period, or their period may even boost their mood for a short time. As I said, everyone is different.
❤️ Take care! ❤️
#actuallyautistic#actually autistic#autism#asd#tw rape#tw pregnancy#tw menstruation#tw suicide mention#food mention
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Any headcanons on jasper with an aspie/autist mate? Like maybe with sensory overload and stuff? Btw I love your blog!
SHIT HI HELLO ANON I FUCKING LOVE THIS QUESTION!!! BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING ELSE, I’d just like to preface that everyone’s experience with being autistic is different. I can only really look at it through MY lens / experience as an autie, so I’ll do that! First things first – one of the things that I’ve always lowkey felt about the series was that SM’s vampires are a very good metaphor / analogy / whatever for autistics. Consider: specialized diet, increased sensory input (sight, smell, touch), varied, but generally distant relationships with the other ‘humans’ aka people who feel other to them / don’t see what they see / don’t perceive the world in quite the same way – OR, oppositely, adopting a person as a special interest (*coughcough*edwardwithbella*coughcough*), people often describe the vamps as seeming ‘from another time’ (which is actually something I’ve gotten my whole life, as a lot of auties have specific vocal mannerisms and/or hyperlexia which creates interesting and unique dialects), each of the Cullens is written to have a highly specific (special!!!) interest like music or fashion or cars – I could go on. I know it’s 100000% me projecting myself and my specific experience as an autie into the movie, but the fact that I can is FREAKIN AWESOME and it makes me feel seen??? Idk guys. Every time I watch Bella wake up as a vamp and she can see / hear / sense more I’m like !!!! THAT is what my everyday life sounds / looks / feels like. Heightened sense of smell, heightened sensitivity to touch, hearing cars a mile away, the whole shebang.
THAT WASN’T YOUR QUESTION, BUT I USE THAT TO SAY:
I believe that Jasper – or any of the vamps – would have a pretty decent base of understanding that would help them relate to an autie.
Sensory overload? They get that, too. They know just the right spot to find total peace and quiet.
Often don’t know how much pressure / force to use in everyday life? They’ve been there, felt that, and have years of experience adjusting their own strength/pressure to fit the fragile human world. You like tight hugs? They got it. Light touches? Dope. Sometimes you grab things too hard and break them? That’s okay. So do they.
Have a deep and enduring special interest? Cool! Jasper once spent ten years reading the same book over and over again, just because! Rosalie knows everything about every car that’s been manufactured since the 30s! That’s par for the course in the Cullen house!
I could make connections between the two forever. In terms of Jasper’s powers SPECIFICALLY, I’m not sure how they would interact with an autie. That depends on if you consider his ability to manipulate ‘emotions’ as a form of physical or mental control.
If Jasper’s powers allow him to manipulate a person’s physiology (which I tend to lean towards), I think that he would be MASSIVELY helpful to an autie! Say you go into sensory overload. Jasper would immediately begin to feel your body’s reaction (pulse rate increasing, muscles tensing, etc), and his powers would be able to subdue that. Once the physical reaction is under control, he’d be just the right person to help you through processing what’s going on / what you need. Think about it – out of all the cullens, he gets overwhelmed the most, and the easiest. He would have a very clear understanding of ‘I need to get this person somewhere quiet and non-stimulating’, because it’s something he’s had to force himself to do for the entirety of his vamp life. For different reasons, obviously, I mean, he’s just a thirsty bitch, but he does get it. Say you go into meltdown and/or shutdown. You’re passed the point over overload. You’re upset and not fully able to communicate WHY you’re upset, and you’re not able to pull YOURSELF out of that hole. Jasper – Mr. vampy-ativan – could play a variety of roles, depending on the severity of the meltdown. Think: his powers could help with the physical reaction – especially if it’s a particularly strong reaction – which could keep the autie from potentially harming themselves (!!!) or falling too far into a panic spiral. If you’re in need of strong sensory input, a good cold Jasper hug would be puRE MAGIC. He doesn’t need to breathe but he does, for you, so you have someone to follow along with.
Jeez guys legit I could come up with a million little helpful things that Jasper would instinctively know from his own experiences, and million other little things he’d be able to intuit via his gift. Basically, his powers just allow him to intuit what you need when you’re not able to fully express that yourself. If you need sensory deprivation, he can help with that. If you need input, he can help with that. If you need to be held – squeezed tight until your muscles relax – his arms are just the right place. If you need to go somewhere away from the rest of civilization, he’d know all the remote spots. It’d be great. Fuck. I want me a Jasper.
#twilight#autism#jasper hale#self harm //#sensory overload //#meltdown //#shutdown //#idk if this reads clearly AT ALL#i got one and a half hours of sleep last night and i've been out since 9 am :)#I HOPE IT MAKES SOME SENSE THOUGH BC THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME#might make a full post about this later when my thoughts are more concise bc it means a lot to me#thank you nonnie <3~ !#Anonymous
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April 5th - 30 Days of Autism Acceptance
April 5: Talk about your living situation. Do you live with your parents? Do you live on your own? Have roommates? Etc. If you live on your own how hard was it to get used to?
Currently, I am back at home with my parents due to my campus being shutdown because of COVID-19. However, normally, I live in a dorm on campus with a fantastic roommate. My first year of college was the absolute worst because I was diagnosed at the start of the first semester, and I struggled with the awkwardness of having a roommate. I think I had a panic attack the first day living on campus, too. Long story short, I was terrified to start this new chapter of my life. If you don’t know, I get attached to people and have great difficulty with managing myself on my own. My parents were the people who I had relied on with helping me with life skills my entire life. After my high school graduation, all of a sudden, I was supposed to be able to handle myself all on my own.
Luckily, my roommate and I got along just fine. We’re now pretty good friends, but she is graduating at the end of next year. I am going for a higher degree than her so, I will have to be attending classes for a year or two after she graduates. Once she’s gone, my plan is to apply to have my own, private dorm, which I don’t think will be too hard to get given the fact that I have a diagnosis. Anyways, about my roommate. Her name is Missy (I love her name, btw), and she has a younger brother who is on the spectrum. Apparently, he has level 3 ASD so, she has experience with handling a more severe presentation of autism. She doesn’t judge me for my “odd” behaviors and is very patient with me. Also, she is extremely understanding when it comes to meltdowns (though I hardly experience these), sensory overload, and shutdowns. Honestly, she is a Godsend, and one of the best friends I have ever had. I love her with all my heart and soul.
Now, not all autistic people are able to attend college or become independent. I am still not completely independent as I rely on my roommate to help me out substantially. I don’t know what I’m going to do after I earn my degree, but I’ll figure it out when the time comes; though I’m pretty sure I will have someone to help me regardless of happens. I just can’t function alone; I need at least one person to support me. My ADHD also makes it harder for me to function alone.
As a closing statement, I would like to remind people that autism presents itself differently in everybody so, no two autistics will ever be the same. They may share similar experiences and symptoms, but how autism presents itself in them will never be exactly the same. That’s just the nature of the disorder. Different people will have different areas of need, which will determine the amount of external support they require. Regardless, we are all people and deserve to be loved. Don’t mock those who need someone to care for them in order to live a fulfilling life. We are just trying to get by in a world that is not built for us. (Note: Whether or not someone is disabled is determined by their environment and society. If the world is not geared towards them (i.e. how this world is too overwhelming sensory wise for autistics) then, they will be labeled as disabled. However, back when life was a strict routine of living on a farm and being mostly around family, many of us on the spectrum probably wouldn’t be seen as disabled. Some of us might even thrive. I recently saw a post discussing this.)
#queued post#ASD#actuallyautistic#Asperger's Syndrome#Aspie#ADHD#ADHD-C#actuallyadhd#autism#Autism Awareness Month#Autism Acceptance#autisticandproud#30daysofautismacceptance#2020#30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2020#mylife#college#collegewithautism#collegelife#friends#lifewithautism#day5#april5th#Neurodivergency#independenceandautism
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Hey so this is oddly specific and really just pertains to the fic that I'm writing but I'd seriously appreciate if you could help me out because I really don't want to get this wrong. In the story I'm writing, people are being held hostage in this psychiatric office, and one of the hostages is this ten-year-old girl with autism, so I was just wondering if you could provide some tips on writing autistic characters in stressful places? (POV is from an allistic person btw)
Treat them like you would any other character you have and think about how they’d react as the person/character they are. If you’re already on the right track in writing them, then this should give you a decently accurate way to figure out how your character would react.
Every person reacts to things differently. It’s the same for autistic people.
If you’re not sure how kids react, I’d suggest looking up kids in general. Sources about autistic kids are likely to be incredibly ableist and treat the kids as less capable than they are. So, work with the basis of a NT kid for building the framework on how your character is going to react in the broad strokes. (Autism is a developmental disorder, so your character may float more around the age range in terms of reaction than allistic kids, but since you’re asking me how to write autistic kids and it’s an allistic POV i’m going to advise you to stick within the range of an average 10 year old to avoid potential infantalization problems.)
But possible sources of additional stress / autistic reactions that your character could run into that an allistic kid might not have as much a problem with:
- disruption to routine. depending on how much your character adheres to a routine and what shape the routine takes, this could be a huge deal. If they normally go to get ice cream or get something to eat afterwards, or they go straight home and get in pj’s or whatever, not being able to do that could create additional distress in the autistic character. This routine could be established if this is a frequent (weekly or bi weekly thing) or an infrequent thing (monthly, every few months) and could be a “this is what they do on x day of the week” or “this is what they do when they go to x building.”
(Like… I go to therapy saturday mornings. If I don’t go to therapy on saturday morning, the day feels off but I can manage (usually because I was given at least a week notice so it was planned in advance). If I do go, after therapy I always go home and take a nap. Sometimes I stop by the store or the park first, but I always go home and take a nap. If I wasn’t able to leave the office because of a hostage situation… I’d be likely to break down crying and go into a meltdown or shutdown because my routine is crucial for my ability to decompress after a therapy session. So, I have a on x day routine (going on saturdays) and a place dependent routine (what I do after going to therapy.) and either one of those can throw me off.)
- I mentioned before (and this is for everyone, not just the autistic kid) but doctor’s visits and all that are stressful on their own. So distress tolerance level is going to be down for everyone because they’ve already been dealing with the stress of that. And now they’ve got a hostage situation to deal with.
- Sensory things. Like, are people screaming or crying or making loud noises? Are they yelling? Is the kid getting yelled at for stimming (rocking, hand flapping, vocal stims). Are they being allowed to stim? (like does your kid usually stim by walking around?) Are there any bright lights or flashing lights? (Are there sirens or police/ambulance flashing lights). Is the temperature too hot or too cold? Are they wearing uncomfortable clothes? Do they usually wear ear defenders or headphones and are they able to use them? are they able to use their stim toys (tangles, squishes, dolls, whatever?) Does your character understand spoken speech, does she have trouble processing language, does it get worse when she’s stressed or tired? Is someone shouting orders at her that she’s not understanding? or not capable of following? (”stop crying”
- is she aware of what’s going on? Like 10 year old me was SUPER oblivious to things going on. Like… is the hostage situation low key and is her parent/legal guardian keeping her calm and quiet and just telling her “we can’t leave yet, just play with your dolls/color” so she’s not even aware of what’s /really/ going on?
(Also like.. 20 yo me was too. Idk if I’ve ever shared the story on tumblr… but like I had someone attempt to rob me while I was working as a cashier and I just completely misread the situation and kept telling him to go to guest services because I couldn’t open the drawer and wasn’t sure what he was telling me and was like “ok but I don’t see why a gun changes this.” and he eventually left annoyed and I felt bad because I didn’t understand what he wanted.. I realized like a few years after the fact in a “OH MY GOD THAT”S WHAT WAS GOING ON” moment.)
- Meltdowns and shutdowns are big things that if your character was highly activated that I would expect to happen. Those are things that plenty of people have written posts about, so I’d suggest looking up those since that’s another long thing that I don’t think will fit all in this post. But they’re basically extreme responses to distress. Meltdowns aren’t tantrums. Shut downs aren’t refusing to cooperate. They’re literally the person reaching a breaking point of being able to handle everything going on and they either explode (meltdown) or disconnect (shutdown) and they tend to have very little control of what they do at that point because it’s literally just the body reacting the only way it can to protect itself.
If you haven’t already, I’d check out my How To Write Autism posts too.
#writing#writing autism#writing autistic characters#writing children#my writing advice#Anonymous#asks
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