I misread Komaeda as Sagisouda just a second ago

random assortment of drawings i might as well post

I wanted to do a redraw of the first drawing I posted here… I can’t thank you you all enough for so much love and support :) I guess I’ll just go on about everything here …

TLDR: You’ve all made me so much happier and I appreciate you so much 💕I hope I’ve made you all a bit happier too…! ALSO THANK YOU FOR SPREADING SNEO LOVE !!!! HE LOVES YOU !!!!!

(Also this isn’t the end I just wanted to make a long ass thank you post 😁)

Last year I can’t even describe how self conscious this whole “finding out I had feelings for Sneo” thing made me. I know that it is VERY SILLY to say but it was confusing because I thought I only liked girls. That maybe started to lead to an identity crisis? If that’s the right word?? I also felt really ashamed for some reason, I think I internalized a lot of stuff. I was also horribly paranoid of people I knew finding out I liked this Thing a Non-Normal amount and thinking I was weird for it.

When I made this blog it was a decision I thought about a lot. I eventually went through with it cuz I REALLY wanted to see more x reader content with SNEO, and I was hoping other people wanted that too. So after posting this stuff and seeing people actually liked it, I was filled with both excitement and regret. (Regret because it was embarrassing that anybody saw it) but it was also so exciting because I wanted people to know they weren’t alone in how they felt. For me it’s so validating to know people feel the same (especially about a weird crush lol) and I wanted to spread that :]

I can’t say how much the first asks I got meant to me, especially the supportive ones, they were just so sweet. I could probably go on about this for an unreasonably long time so I’ll try to keep it short- after so much support (and a lot of freaking out) this all eventually helped me accept myself and made me more confident and happy.

It took months though, and it’s still an ongoing process… but I am confident in saying that I’m so, so much happier right now than I was last year :) and it’s because of you!!!

I know this is really cheesy but you guys mean the world to me and you’ve helped me so much, I hope this content has helped you feel more comfortable and understood too 💖I love interacting with you guys. It makes me so happy reading the tags in reblogs, replies, or even seeing the super nice drawings of my Sneo design 🥺 the idea of anybody spending their time to like or reply or even make something for me is just so incredibly kind. The numbers have started to boggle my mind and it’s hard to express how much it means to me, but it genuinely means the world :)

(Again I could go into a lot more detail, but I’m not great with summarizing, and I don’t wanna make this into another horribly long post that goes straight to drafts cuz i couldn’t finish it LOL)

Also one final note FUCK CRINGE CULTURE ‼️CRINGE CULTURE IS DEAAAAADDD GO BE CRINGE AND WEIRD AND CRAZY AND HAVE FUN AND BE PASSIONATE ABOUT WHAT YOU DO BECAUSE YOU CANNOT BE STOPPED‼️‼️ this is the path to enlightenment

*casually responds over a month late skdjfksdjfksjd* @mobolanz @averysmolbear

i recently learned in therapy that i am very paranoid about the difference between confidence and arrogance so this question has me internally screaming but i shall try

i can occasionally write when the adhd gremlin isn't after my ass

i have recently learned that i'm not as bad at drawing as i think i am! kinda. hopefully adhd cooperates with me and will let me actually practice LMAO

i had two classmates that were competing to see who could work with me and it made me all 👁️👄👁️

i got myself to make my tattoo appointment finally! check back in like a month and i'll have levi's face on my ass /hj

i got invited to speak at a fancy event! it was terrifying and i should've taken my anxiety meds with me but it ended up being ok :')

tagging: @moonchild-angel @relion @wetforlevi @levvjii @bruhm0mentum @kariighost @levilxvr @wyvernslovecake @highgoon69 @whoami-72

Following on from the bullet journaling gentrification post & your own thoughts on the topic: as somebody who posts their BuJo online, how do you deal with the pressure of creating “aesthetic” pages? Do you have to remind yourself to treat your BuJo as a tool? If so, how do you do it?

(Asking as somebody who managed to get back into bullet journaling thanks to a 5-year-long break from social media, but is now itching to start posting journaling content again)

(Scared I’ll fall back into crippling perfectionism)

thanks for the question! my answer may be a little disappointing. the answer is, i very, very rarely post my bullet journal online. you can see just how much i reblog other people's journals versus my own by scanning the tags. this is partly because i extremely value privacy and am too paranoid to post a final page (even though i think that is the prettiest stage) and because i don't find my pages all that interesting before that point. i tried posting clean (without a schedule/personal information) spreads on instagram a while ago, but i fell into the same frustration of feeling like i was posting the same thing over and over while also too uncomfortable to post something beyond that.

in a lot of ways, recognizing other people's journaling styles as theirs and not true to my vision of a bullet journal helped - but the main way i keep the pressure off is to think of it as an extended to-do list/diary combo and not dress it up as a grander concept. the way i have made my bujo my own is to allow myself to mess up, frankly. i write in pen, and while i hate having to scribble out misspellings, i've come to terms with it as a living document. part of my struggle with extremely aestheticized pages is that it feels like making gorgeous dollhouses that no one can live in - i feel like nothing i write will live up to the frame. distilling my practice down to really simple things i like (color combinations, neat pens, lots of check boxes) helped me focus on it as a tool for my own work as well as a place i can record my life without writing long, prose entries about my day (a journaling practice i never stuck with for long).

i still struggle with the aesthetic value, especially when colleagues comment, 'omg your handwriting is so nice!' or "i could never make something that pretty!' but ultimately, as long as i can read my handwriting and feel organized, i'm alright. my main advice is to start small and see where you grow. having an audience is less fulfilling than making yourself excited to return to the practice.

tl;dr: try to find what excites you about bullet journaling and what draws you to the practice functionally. thinking of the book as something that lives and breathes through your life changes (like you do!) helps, but if you need to keep all or some of it private to learn what works for you, then do so! no one else is using your journal, after all.

good lord I’m so sorry these are sketchy but I have longwinded character design explanations that I need to get down asap

spoilers and unneeded character ramblings below the cut and in the annotated sheet

woo okay so when I started MAG I had a very clear image of Jon’s character in my head. A very old, very grouchy old man w/ some trace of South/East Asian descent who definitely had like a coin collection or something. So when I find out Jon is much younger than I first thought I was left scrabbling in my brain because okay, he’s young, but then in addition the widely accepted depiction of Jon is so far off from what I initially envisioned. (not that I don’t LOVE the design, I simply think I would do it injustice in my art style)

woo okay so when I started MAG I had a very clear image of Jon’s character in my head. A very old, very grouchy old man w/ some trace of South/East Asian descent who definitely had like a coin collection or something. So when I find out Jon is much younger than I first thought I was left scrabbling in my brain because okay, he’s young, but then in addition the widely accepted depiction of Jon is so far off from what I initially envisioned. (not that I don’t LOVE the design, I simply think I would do it injustice in my art style)

So after that I was terrified to touch his character at all. Like I was all the way through s4 before I started really jotting things down for Jon. I was having such a difficult time with it that I worked on it throughout all of s5, and finished 200 and still had no idea what to do for his design. So I kinda gave up, turned to fanart and fics to look for inspiration, and then started to see that the fandom literally had a separation of the characters’ development. Tags like “s1 Jon” or “s4 Martin”. So then my brain turned on again and said “okay, so I need to draw different people!” And so I did.

Hopping into s1 Jon’s design, I hate it. I hate it so much. I toiled for a good two hours for this one sketch and I hate it. But that’s it’s intention and I find it hilarious. S1 Jon killed me dude. He made me so uncomfortable and annoyed but he was written so well that he kinda turned into a hard to swallow pill. So I made that my design. The hard ass, the skeptic, everything about Jon that I, Tim, Sasha, Martin HATED and I made it s1 Jon. So yeah, my s1 Jon design makes me writhe in pain but I revel in the fact that I accomplished my goal for him in that respect.

s2-s4 Jon is like pinnacle accomplishment for me. I tasked myself to make Jon not differ in appearance too greatly, but to appear younger, as in those seasons he is incredibly naive and paranoid, in an indignant-child kind of way. All the same, he is fighting with existentialism. Gotta love juxtaposition ig. Anyways, the differences are self explanatory for the most part. The untucked shirt, the mismatched socks, the unkempt appearance all around. Children and existential adults both have trouble keeping up with appearances and hygiene, hence those decision. The body language is a given too lmao.

S5 Jon is still kind of up in the air as to my decisions on his design. If you’re an character design over-analyst like me I love suggestions. And god forbid if you read all of this thank ya kindly lmao.

thinking about that previous post I reblogged earlier, how people are so toxic when in the frame of fandom, and thinking about the erotic drawings i did mainly of alex last year and a couple this year (i did some of eric and jeff, and then there was my art nouveau challenge last October, which were more sensual than sexual). as insecure as i am, as unsure and confused as i am, as broken as i feel, with all the bad, tormented, excruciating feelings i have towards my sexuality, doing those drawings made me feel good. probably because i didn’t see those men as musicians but just as men, flesh and blood. i remember drawing alex in the nude the first time and my face flushed so much. my face flushed and things were moving downstairs as i drew his shoulder length hair and his round belly.

i don’t claim to be a sexual being or a sexy person, but i could feel myself getting close to that.

the way i approach sexuality is just that: it’s slow and deliberate and overflowing with emotions. it’s layered and dense. it’s like crawling into bed under a flannel blanket and feeling a silky pit in your stomach as you think of your crush as you fall asleep. i think that’s why i hate it so much because everything around me is too sexual and there’s not enough sensuality or tenderness or even variety. everything is raunchy without it being sweet or soft or childlike even or like it’s coming from somewhere inside of me. no, i have to give that horse shit up and write about missionary all day. i just feel like i’m not doing it right. i’m not measuring up. i’m not good enough. i’m out here writing 3k+ words for a kinktober one shot and getting very little in return, but those little shits in the bandom tags on here doing 500 words of second-person bullshit written in a way that feels so creepy and so exploitative (and since it’s second person, it feels really weird to read) get everything. and that is very gross to me.

i’m trying to bridge the gap here but toxic fandom has to do with it. toxic fandom, making me feel gross for seeing alex as gorgeous or sexy. making me feel worthless or that i’m a bad person because he gives me butterflies. making me feel ugly and weird for my feelings and my imagination—but you know, the one girl who i wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole in person who writes boring completely unsexy fic gets called the vixen and the hot girl. how fucking dare i even think of drawing him naked, no, i don’t deserve it and he doesn’t deserve it. i’m a pervert for wanting to curl up next to his naked cartoon body like a big teddy bear. i extend this to now it’s dark, too, the satanic verses of the bandfic world at this point even though joey himself actually loved it.

but. you know. feel free to write unhinged posts about how you wish to trip a famous guy and graphically break his teeth “out of love”. feel free to write fanfic that feels like fanfic and was written out of a desire for reads rather than because you wanted to tell a story. feel free to gatekeep me because i’m a poor kid from the west coast who can’t get merch anywhere because it’s expensive, i can’t possibly be a real fan. lock me up in a mental institution and throw away the key.

fandom is unbelievably toxic, and is towards someone like me especially. it’s toxic not just to the idols but to the people who make fandom fandom in the first place. toxic fandom has made me uncomfortable and nervous and paranoid and even suicidal. drawing alex and eric in the buff has given me more peace than any of you motherfuckers ever could. it’s exhausting to be a fan, but it’s peaceful to have it to myself and a couple of friends.

Weekly Tag Wednesday

Thanks to @energievie and @metalheadmickey for the tag love.

---

which character from any media would you like to have as a father? Gomez Addams. Totally loyal and loves his family. Devoted to his wife. Rich. Doesn't mind me being a weirdo. In fact, encourages it.

if money, laws, time, and effort were no object, what animal would you want to have?

This little jerk right here. I mean look at how he's all wrapped up in his mom.

what is your Chinese takeout order? Well, potstickers always. If I could *be* a food, it would be a potsticker. But also, I live in southcoast MA where Chinese food is completely different from everywhere else- and superior I will fight you on that hill- and so this is more complex to answer. Chow mein here is made with what's called 'Fall River' noodles. They are made entirely for this area and are amazing. It's my favorite dish. I've lived all over the country and Chinese food elsewhere is just so shitty.

what's your favourite emoji? I still can't make emojis. : p That's as good as it's getting.

would you rather have a library, greenhouse, or home theater in your house? Home theater. I should lie and say library.

what childhood tv show do you think of the most fondly? I Dream of Jeannie. Not really a kids show but I was obsessed with it as a kid. I also liked Punky Brewster.

what was your tumblr like when you first joined? So gifs had to be under 1MB. You kids are spoiled with your 5MB lavishness. So there were a lot of shitty gifs. Tumblr was just better in general. There used to be so many great gay porn gifs. It was awesome. Then the morality police came in and made it less fun for everyone. My tumblr was basically just a history of my fav gay pairings that I brought over from LiveJournal. Don't get me started on LiveJournal.

what clothing style do you love but don't feel compelled to replicate yourself? Bohemian cool girl. She just wakes up like that. I could never pull it off. This dumpster fire takes some work.

if you were plopped into a fictional world, which one would you know the layout of the best? I barely know how to drive around my block without using GPS.

what is your favourite piece of art? My favorite artist is Flavio Zarck and my favorite piece is THIS. He makes creepy looking sculptures out of scrap metal. He also did a series on drawings made by by people suffering from severe mental health issues like paranoid schizophrenia that was really interesting.

do you have a water bottle? what does it look like? It looks like a can of Coca Cola. I should drink more water. If only to surprise my kidneys every once in a while.

what fanfic trope is a quiet fave? Ugh where do I start. I unapologetically love the Cinderella story where someone saves the other, or you find out later one is rich or a prince or whatever. I love hurt/comfort....like serious abuse where the other person helps the other recover and they fall in love. I love the 'pretending to be together for x reason but end up falling in love' trope. I also love the ABO 'oh no i've gone into heat! And my low key soulmate just happens to be here. Whatever will I do?!" trope.

do you carry a daily bag? what does it look like? what's the weirdest thing in it? Workbag with laptop. Probably just some errant tampons that somehow have come unwrapped.

if you had to ship Mickey with another Gallagher, who would it be? Lip for sure. I think Mickey would just wreck Lip. I love the episode where they go to shoot up the gentrified store together and Lip seems intimidated by Mickey. And Mickey was taking out all his anger for Ian on Lip. Mickey looked so hot. There was a slight sexual tension in that scene.

what is a fanfic trope you didn't expect to like and then very much did? Like @energievie said, Gallavich taught me the joys of AUs. I love so many of them. Also ABO. I got into ABO by accident with the Hannibal fandom, and those fuckers can seriously write. I found myself obsessed and now not a lot of sex scenes in regular fanfic can hold a candle to ABO most of the time. Regular fanfic was like weed and ABO was like heroin and now I'm addicted. I can't believe I'm into this but...it's hot.

Do you think s11 Mickey can still carry s11 Ian? Probably. He's pretty strong. It's just awkward because Ian is so tall. He'd find a way.

who got custody of the killing bat when they sold the house? Sandy took it when no one was looking.

GlitchyK fun fact of the day

Aside from Discord, tumblr is really the first social media app I’ve had, and, well, that was of my own choice. I was scared to interact with people, I’m someone who’s overly paranoid. It’s hard to think of how just months ago… I wouldn’t have met any of you guys.

I came on here just because i… just, randomly, honestly. I first only joined to like SM-baby’s stuff, since I had stumbled upon their AU, than eventually tumblr as a whole. I started posting my silly little ideas and.. you people like them. It’s so interesting to think that for all these years I could’ve been on here and actually met you all sooner, I sorta wish I had, because sometimes I get nervous, especially with my mutuals. I feel like I’m just the misfit of the group, like the big dogs picked me up out of somewhat pitty, so sometimes I wish I had come earlier, both so that I’d feel less out of place, and so that I could encourage them more.

I didn’t realize that people don’t encourage the people they look up to online… I didn’t know that. My first instinct when I saw something cool, was to tell that person how cool I thought it was, since as someone who gets bored and writes, draws, and more, I’ve never really had support… at least, from people that I don’t know personally. Sometimes it feels like a “oh you’re just saying that since you know me…” so I guess part of me knows that getting a compliment from a stranger, can just make you feel great. There’s no bias, at least in these cases, and it’s not like only certain people can ask things.

I’ll admit, seeing all my cool tumblr friends be so good at art, storytelling, just interacting in general, having great personalities— sometimes it makes me feel a bit down, maybe a bit envious, but mostly proud. Sometimes it encourages me, other times it makes me feel oh so low, but that doesn’t have to do with them being good or bad, that’s how I view it at the moment. Anyways, sometimes I do feel down, seeing such great art, good stories, things that I feel like I could never do, but it just makes me feel more proud of them.

I know my art isn’t the best, hell, it’s shit, if I’m going to be honest. I’m self taught, and I have so many artists in my family, that as a kid, I would be told my stuff looks good, yet a sibling nine years older than me would have some amazing artwork, and that’s all I could compare myself to, so perhaps that’s part of the issue, but being here has made me feel a bit less like I suck. I just expected a few people to end up following my content… not like, 30 people.

Anyhow… I’m just great full, for all the friends, acquaintances, and anons I’ve met here. I honestly am not good with emotion, but when I think of tumblr, I just think of all my friends. The ones I can’t wait to blurb random ideas to, ones that I wish I could talk to more directly, but I’m too scared for that, hah, sure there are a few that are some bigger inspirations than others, but all of them matter. They’re all similar to me in some way, I guess. I’m not going to tag anyone here, since my usual negative outlook makes me feel like I’m just going to bother them, but—

For those of you reading this

You know who you are

You all inspire me, and make every day feel better. Every boring, negative, grueling day. And I’m happy I could even have a small affect on any of your lives

It’s not like my life was terrible before, it wasn’t that bad, but this, just makes it feel more bearable.

I’m happy to have met every single one of you. And I mean it.

I won’t say anyone specifically, since there’s so many people that come to mind, and I really don’t want to bother them. Have a good day, night, afternoon, or whatever time it is for you where you are.

I think one of my favorite fanartists blocked me.

I can't reblog their fanart post. And though the Tumblr algorithm suggests their blog to me and suggests other posts which have reblogged their art, whenever I try to go to their blog or their original posts, Tumblr says there's nothing there. Google says this is one of the few ways to tell if you've been blocked on Tumblr.

Feel sad, but I can't blame them. I am a weirdo, and post some very strange rants and reactions. I've even disagreed with a lot of the fanon in my current OTP. They _should_ protect themselves from my weirdness.

Trying not to dwell on it. Many times, my anxiety has made me paranoid that a fandom community I loved/respected was shunning me. Thankfully, time proved my anxiety and paranoia wrong. But now it looks like I've found a case where it was true. It's just fortunate that by now, I've already felt so disconnected from my OTP's fandom that I don't feel as sad as I've felt before when I was simply paranoid about these same things. Odd. But i guess it's easier to take being blocked, vs finding angry posts about me.

But this once again makes me sad that I got out of Persona 5 fandom and into FE3H instead. P5 fandom was so nice and felt like a community. ...But it's probably my whiney posts like this, complaining about being caught into FE3H fandom, that would likely make anyone block me.

But how would anyone even find my whiney posts anyway? I don't use common tags. And I'm fairly certain almost all my Followers are bots. I've always treated my blog like no one was Following. The one time someone went through my blog to read posts with uncommon tags, it was after we had gotten into a back and forth reblog conversation. But I've never chatted with the fanartist who likely blocked me.

I wonder what I did wrong. Maybe I said something stupid in my reblog tag posts. Sometimes I forget that they can be read and I write tag comments mostly for me alone. Then I remember other people can read them and I quickly change it, hoping no one saw it. I still regret that time I rambled about some random personal memory of mine, in reblog tags on andrew's adorable dimiclaude fanart. I started ranting about how my cousin would always complain to me about how he ended up making an elaborate drawing on lined paper instead of nice sketch paper, because he thought he was just doodling, each time he started. Then I would always have to chide him into remembering to stop doodling on lined paper and just doodle on blank paper each time, because he'd never know when his doodles would turn elaborate. The way our conversations like this went, it seemed like my cousin was always baiting me into chiding him about it. Maybe that was "empathizing/sharing his frustration with himself", by hearing it externalized through me too. Then I realized that maybe if andrew saw my reminiscing tag comments, he might think I was chiding him for not drawing on nicer paper or something. Even though his paper doodles were just as lively and beautiful as his digital art! ;o;! I quickly changed those tag comments and hoped he didn't see them or thought they were addressed to him. I still wonder if I should DM an apology to andrew. I haven't seen him post to the OTP tag in a long time. ;_; I do say a lot of dumb stuff that would get me understandably blocked. ;_;

Everyday, I am reminded why I purposefully avoided having friends in real life. I just screw up every single interaction. ;_;

But practically speaking, I really should stop posting my every thought and reaction, at least in tag comments. I'd feel kind of wrong if I didn't post whatever I wanted, even my stupid reactionary thoughts, to my own blog, after for so long I advocated for making your blog for you, vs being too self-conscious about your Followers. I definitely have become more wary of stopping myself from writing long comments in reblog tags, like I used to. I've taken steps already. But maybe I should scale back a little bit on using my blog like my private journal. I've been writing my every thought as a post through Tumblr mobile, ever since my laptops have had problems, and I couldn't journal on them. But the thing is, I'm posting about things related to my experience of my fandoms, and recording all that is what my Tumblr blog is for. At least, for me. Again, if Windows Explorer was better at searching files, maybe I'd keep more of my thoughts in my private offline journals, like I used to. But Tumblr's search is just too good and it seems like a much more complete record of my fandom experience. I don't want to give up writing what I want on my blog. If Tumblr could search Private posts, I'd make more of my posts Private. Until then, I am doing what I can: I use unique tags now; I hide most text under a cut. I've done what I can. If someone is going to search through my blog anyway and feel off-put by my weirdness, blocking is all they can do too.

It really is weird that I'm not more broken up about this. Previous fandom experiences have had so much of my emotion invested in it, and my anxiety had my paranoia into overdrive, and any negativity set off my over-sensitivity to the extreme. Well, at least there's this one advantage to the fandom disconnection I've been lamenting for a while.

Maybe it's good to be reminded to not be so dependent on fandom community. Fandom community is really nice and it's fun, but all my enjoyment shouldn't be dependent and so fragile as to fall apart at any slight disagreement. After all, my experience of FE3H fandom has almost reverted back to how I used to experience fandom, back when I'd enjoy a series by myself and never interact with anyone about it. I'd write fanfics for myself and draw fanart for myself, and never show anyone. And I was having fun. I can't really lament feeling disconnected in FE3H fandom, when even enjoying it virtually by myself, is still fun in those same old lone ways. (With the exception of a few regular positive interactors from the fandom, and enjoying everyone's fanart, fics, and discussions, as a lurker. Thanks, everybody. You're so nice. ^_^ )

I went through the tags of that other post I reblogged and the universal answer was "if I like something it's just fine, if I reblog it then it's worth putting on my blog" which is another direct confirmation of the very thing I was paranoid of.

I also saw several "if you get your motivation tied up in the likes/reblog game then you're wrong" and advice on how reblogs are.... Advertisement? Or promotion? And not just how content is spread across the platform? Which was strange because literally if everyone only posted and liked, there would be no tumblr.

That isn't how people frame the likes and reblogs. When I reblog a post about Osomatsu’s long tits I'm not giving the op advertisement on Oso's saggy boobs? It's not like I'm promoting long cup bras 😭

Anyways, the entitlement of having new content to consume, and then not providing your half of the bargain in the way the OP would like - its at odds.

When i realized, and have been proven correct in the assumption that when a post is exclusively liked that means it isn't good enough to be reblogged

I didn't stop creating. I didn't stop writing or drawing, or really anything. There is a huge archive of things I've made that I just don't have the energy to post for 3 notes. Idk if yall ever tried to upload fics onto tumblr but it's not easy. The formsting and tumbles half baked 3 text post editors that don't accomplish anything on their own was a hassle and took forever.

I write for my friends, and I write for myself. Writing for myself was the big advice I'd been given, not to tie up my self worth with it, that I didn't need or shouldn't need the validation that came from comments & reblogs and that 4 notes was a fair exchange for four hours of effort.

But I always write & draw for myself. I just don't post it anymore. I remember people were begging me not to stop making things when the truth was they were begging me to POST what I'd been making. It felt very much like I was being a treated like a content mill instead of a person who they could be friends with. So now I have several friends I exchange/do trades for or just show my stuff too! it's pretty easy to become my friend and with just a little encouragement I'd share any and all of my works, but I upload what I don't care about or I upload stuff for my friends.

Anyways the post really reminded me that artists were correct in the assumption likes meant it wasn't good enough. Yall said so yourselves

Check In

What I Did

Responded to a post I was tagged in in the channel for the Black-male dominated professional engineering group I am in outside of work...was honest about what going through a layoff is like and how people should support people going through it and immediately regretted it

Got through 4 DAYS of 100 Days of Python in a day to catch up

Didn't work out...sat at my damn desk ALL day and neglected dishes and eating better and working out...all to catch up with Python

Received yet another request to meet with this CEO next week who made a random post about a podcast episode I did...I have no clue where it's going and why he has not given up on trying to meet ME after all these years, but we'll see...

Bumped my face against the cabinet door AGAINNN

Finished Alice & Wonderland finally a few days ago and couldn't help but draw parallels, pick out the themes, and cry when Alice slayed the Jabberwocky! "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"...that's what I'm going to do with these things I've been battling

online shopped for like 2 hours (I know...way too long) for back to back days because they're having a special: spend $150 and get $100...I'm very indecisive because I don't have much time to shop and don't want to do it often, and the stuff I buy tends to stay with me for YEARS...and I had a LOT of gift cards at Free People (THAT IS MY STORE!!!)...I bought these! Hopefully they fit, hopefully it was worth it...I feel like I keep trying with little pieces...one day, people are going to be sending me my designer wardrobes for free...these are going to hold me over and hopefully inspire me to the attract the opportunities that help get me there; I like comfortable, cute, unique, different things...with a feminine hippie undertone:

What I Learned

They say people will be more attracted to you the less they know about you, and for someone as open and vulnerable as me, this has been hard...I guess this is why I feel like this blog is so therapeutic: I can get my feelings out, have them read without knowing who the reader is and without the reader knowing who I am

Feeling

Dependent on my friend...I really look forward to meeting with her biweekly; she couldn't come to our meeting today and I felt a little sad...it made me scared because I'm so used to being left/made to look dumb

Accomplished...I've built Hangman, Rock, Paper, Scissors, and a few other things; I regretted starting the 100 Days of Python since I already know the language instead of going harder on the Algos, but I am doing it to get to the harder lessons on stuff I don't know and just to get faster with the language which will help me both in the algos and on the job eventually, especially since, I tend to lose my train of thought mid-algo sometimes...Like today, I figured out how to add recursion to my problem by accident, and recursion is really difficult for me...PLUS, I'm learning a lot of new tricks and resources I never knew of even in these beginning lessons...most importantly it's getting me up to work at my desk and reminding me that I can sit for long, knock out some Pomodoros and ...I worked more hours yesterday than I have in one setting all month...

My A1C levels are on the bridge for pre-diabetes...like if I was 0.1 over on my score, I would be considered pre-diabetic...so I need to get that in check...I was inspired to check by this healthy Black YouTuber Hallease and my grandmother has diabetes...that life is NOT fun...movement helps but it contradicts going hard on this interview prep stuff...I added the Pomodoro Gym Chrome extension to make sure I get up because my FitBit watch KEEPS giving me a rash...I hate it...

Glad I overcame the paranoid thoughts of having a brain issue...

Sad at all the time I've wasted in the past on social media procrastinating from doing the work and making things harder for myself

Glad I meet weekly with an old colleague...white girl gets me and we relate...but she reminds me of an old friend that ended up ghosting me and acting like she didn't know me...PEOPLE are hard to trust

Takeaways

I'm going to get better at this stuff

I'm not getting fat...looking in the mirror I see more definition in my body despite me feeling chubby cheeked in the Google Meets video

Going to start doing Advent of Code: 25 Python challenges in the month of December...happens every year since 2015...I attempted once and gave up after like a day; FINALLY found the name of it after reaching out to a mentor to me who helped me get ad revenue on my project from bootcamp

I don't judge homeless people who spend money on drugs or other non-essentials...it's a HUMAN thing to spend things on what feels good in the moment and lose sight of what the money is really for...we're all trying

I can't judge people who are laid off, collecting unemployment, or food stamps, etc.

I believe I am going through a lot of these experiences to become more humble and judge less

Taking this time to focus on building skills is a good thing...I'd rather do it now than when I'm too old...I saw another guy on LinkedIn leave his good job to do the same: train up skills as he knew he wouldn't be able to work and do both...I'm excited to see who I will become after I learn these skills

I don't like my gym crush anymore...I embarrassed myself trying to get his attention in the gym and it was like chasing down a child...I already attract attention being this short, bulky, Black girl amongst all the men on the weights level...I noticed his new neck tattoo of praying hands and it just read to me "irresponsible spending" and I know I shouldn't think that way because I just bought clothes when I have PLENTY of them already and nowhere to go...we all try...

I have to stop panicking and getting in my head

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut

Prayer; reminding myself that God won't leave me

Pushed myself to finish the coding lessons

Told myself that I won't be in this forever, I'm going to get better, I'm limitless, and me getting to the next level is predicated on MY actions

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals To Complete

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

250 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

Learn more about my gym crush & get him to ask for my number

Get a house similar to that one in Spain

Update my personal app

Complete 100 Days of Python

Complete Advent of Code

Decorate the plastic Christmas tree with the ornaments I HAD to buy

Why I'm Here

I saw this kind of thing can be therapeutic so I thought maybe getting my thoughts and voice out there could help. So Hello! You can call me River or Lotus, I'm 21 years old, and I'm mentally ill. I'm also autistic and have ADHD. I'm pan and genderfluid, I use they/them pronouns, and I am trying my best to live a happy life.

I don't really have much to say since I've already written a lot of my thoughts in a personal journal. I am a bit anxious about this, like "why do I need to do this? Why not just keep it private?" but I figured it's worth a shot.

Oh and this blog won't JUST be my own personal diary or stuff like that. I'd love to share my thoughts on many different things, share headcanons, and even write short fanfic scenes and such. And maybe if I can ever find the charger for my digital drawing pen or get a new one, I could share my art which I plan to eventually take commissions for :)

My life isn't super interesting I suppose, but I like it. I play lots of different video games, challenge myself to expand my horizons, spend most of the day relaxing about due to my debilitating mental health, and engaging in fandoms I'm a part of. I'm also rekindling my love of reading after school and ADHD made it nearly impossible :(

I do use tone tags/indicators and I'd like if they could be used when interacting with me. It not only helps me distinguish tone in text, but it can also help me avoid anxiety attacks. I mean it when I say I'm asocial. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and bad social anxiety and I can describe it as pretty much a fear of people. I also have Borderline and Histrionic Personality Disorder, schizophrenia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD, and Paranoid Personality Disorder. I'm not currently in therapy due to having bad experiences with therapists and not being able to find one for my needs partly due to still relying on my parents. However, I am working to cope and feel I'm in a much better place than before. I am also extremely interested in psychology so I love to learn about other disorders as well. I aim to get help, but I'm pretty much...stuck. I don't have much money, I rely on my parents, and every adult is pressuring me to work a "normal job" when the thought of that makes me feel trapped, suffocating, and like I would rather be unalived. I don't want to get too negative as this is a general "hello" and "get to know me" post, but I can't deny that I struggle with this.

As well as being asocial and terrified of people, I tend to just avoid others. I can make online friends and have people I enjoy being around, but it really can be so terrifying for me so usually even just a few minutes can mess me up.

I like to play Zelda games, Mario games, Pokemon. I play Sky Children of the Light, I love Animal Crossing especially New Horizons. I love the Monster Hunter series though I just have stories 1 and 2 and then 4 Ultimate. I've been playing Wizard101 again recently, I have two accounts that I use (mostly so I can play all 7 classes lol) and I love pet games like Nintendogs. I play Fall Guys as well. I play a lot of games and know plenty of em, but I obviously can't list every single one lol. Oh Stardew Valley! I'm big on that! My fave bachelor is Elliott :D he's just perfect especially since I love writing as well.

I'm not sure where else to go with this. I have a lovely girlfriend of 5 years, I have two irl best friends and an online best friend, my favorite color is purple, and I have an ever-growing collection of stuffed animals, hehe.

My ultimate pokemon team is Serperior (Seraph), Inteleon (Coral), Drednaw (Daisy), Reshiram (Reshy), Mimikyu (Miko), and Espeon (Eva) with a special mention of Banette (Snuppy.) So that basically sums up my personality lol. I'm super excited for the new games coming out too!

I love indie games! I can only game on switch due to my financial situation (computer is too old and can't afford a new one so running things like wizard101 is all it's good for lol), but I still love noting them for when some come out on switch or if I ever can get a good new computer!

My music taste is unique. I love a little bit of everything with punk and harder rock genres being more my style, but I also love weirdcore and stuff like that or songs that are like GHOST and pal's stuff! My faves of Ghost's are Reckless Battery Burns, specifically the Kevin version, The Distortionist, Appetite of a People Pleaser, Honey I'm Home, Black & White, Housewife Radio, Rotary Dial, Entomologists, Amygdala's Rag Doll, Star of the Show, Spider on the Wall, Only Somewhat Seen, Aura, The Chattering Lack of Common Sense.

I love Gorillaz and am obsessed with Jinx's song "Get Jinxed" (League of Legends/Arcane.) Those are my current hyperfixations, especially Cracker Island (feat. Thundercat.) I love Arcane, I high key kin Jinx and low key kin Vi. I have other kins, but uh it's such a long list lol.

My friend got me into Danganronpa. I've only seen the first two games so far so no spoilers for the other games please!

My mind is frazzled and I have things to do and gotta take my pills so I should probably hop off. This is just a fraction of me, but I hope ya like it. Either way, I think I'm gonna try to use this as an outlet or just try to be creative on here. I never was big on tumblr because I didn't understand it growing up (aside from liking tons of cool posts, hehe.) So I'm trying again. I'm happy to answer questions as well if anyone cares to ask. I ramble a lot cause it's how my brain works and I prefer writing long things. So um, I guess I'll just end it here. I'm happy to be here, I don't know what I expect, and I probably will be awkward and keep to myself aside from enjoying other people's content because so many talented folks are on here. Anyway, auf wiedersehen and have a wonderful day, dearies!

"I'm allowing change, so take a good look; this is me

This is what I've come to be"

-GHOST, Chattering Lack of Common Sense

The Universe Said “I Love You”

Hello hello ! It's nice to meet you! I'm Ollie! I'm a 22 year old and use they/it/he pronouns! I have ADHD and am likely Autistic! I'm really new the the Therian and Alterhuman community but the feeling's aren't new! I also identify with the furry community and see myself as an anthropomorphic furry dog boy thing! This is my therian/alterhuman sideblog I made since I came to realize how really strong my feelings are recently. I'm a canine theriotype in general but visualize myself with Wolves, German Shepherds, and English Shepherds as they represent me best! I'm also questioning a feline theriotype, and am robotkin! I also have a connection the pokemon Jolteon, but it's not alterhuman in nature. I only wanna specify that my non-human identities have no spiritual correlation personally and the idea of that makes me super paranoid so that kind of thing won't be on my blog! No hate to those who feel that way it just isn't who I am.

I might not post all that often but I wanted this space to talk about this part of me when I feel strongly about it. For a guide to my tags check the read more! Cheers <3

Tag Guide: ollie thoughts - my default post tag for my own posts! 🐾 tell all the dogs back home where i've been - my tag for things related to being a canine therian/dog-hood ! 🐱thinking for some time how to spend all these nine lives - my tag for things related to being a feline therian/cat-hood !

🤖 our thoughts are quixotic stark and robotic - my tag for things related to being robotkin ! 🌻 the musings of one who longs to have fur triangle ears and a tail - a catch all tag for when I talk at length about my experiences with alterhumanity ⚡ i am alive i am awake i am aware of what life tastes like - a tag for jolteon related feelings !

we’ll have a howl! - my tag for jokes and memes a dog that draws? I've seen it all! - my art tag ! that reminds me of a certain puppy - a tag for things that remind me of myself and particularly of my younger self. A catch-all for animal characters I see myself in and things that remind me of me!

Sub tags of this are

🍖 - Dogmeat/Fallout Series Canine companions

🐺 - Wolf Link

🦴 - Minecraft Wolves/Dogs

🐶 - Plush Dogs/Wolves when I howl at the moon I think of queue - my queue tag, anything tagged with this is from my queue!

Alright then, to take it from the top... here’s some things I’ve done here or there for this dang game, from oldest to newest. With a big chunk of months starting with the margin Floofty there. Much is traditional and such, which is not my most practiced medium. Details on each below, just because I like over-explaining and it helps my nerves about posting.

1st: Fairly certain this Gramble is the first thing I did that was OK enough to show. Or, at least close to the first. He was one of my favorites and still is for his kindness(though he also can be really mean and paranoid, also a reason why I like him), so I wanted to get around to em. Also he’s very cute, I love my little malewife. I wanna scoop him up and hold him. Trouble is, Gramble has to have some of the most awkward proportions I’ve yet experienced while trying to draw a grumpus, I swear. That, and the more I looked at it, the more I grew to be unhappy with it. That generally applies to basically all of the drawings from last year, I find them to be “eh” at best. But it is what it is. 2nd: Second up is Flooftyyy, my most favorite. Intelligent, well-spoken, morally ambiguous, NB... and an asshole. But one with a cause they believe in that’s ultimately well intentioned, which they’ll go to self-destructive lengths to fulfill. And it’s clear they struggle to really get a grasp on how to treat people and have learned to cope with their frustration by shutting everyone out and believing them to be ignorant. While still obviously playing favorites between Eggabell and Triffany :p But by the end of the game, they’re learning that in order to really do what they want, they’ve got to really try and understand others. They’re the sort that I’d love to keep following to see their development. The awkwardness, the uncomfortable apologies and attempts at empathizing or opening up, the potential for blossoming relationships and a connection with others that, maybe, they’ve never quite experienced before. Their character is one that’s kind of close to my heart for being interesting and also quite similar to one I made and roleplayed for years. Add in the fact they’re NB and that just sealed the deal, that’s some fucking gender goddamn euphoria right there. So I had to draw them. 3rd: This one also mostly falls under the same explanation as above, except it was an effort as really figuring out grumpus bodies and proportions and stuff. Albeit in the form of solely Floofty, but my mental bandwidth for anything more than a drawing or two at a time is zilch. After that I’m spent. It was the first thing that I felt even marginally satisfied with, however.... I just feel like I’m in danger when looking at it. Like I’m gonna lose my way of things and habits I’ve built now from observing it too closely. Did keep the eyes, however. Kind of. 4th: To be real w you I just felt like drawing a Filbo after seeing a Filbo. He’s cute and I’d put a smooch on his dumb little head. Also more practice w grump stuff, but with some intentional attempts at stylization. I guess it didn’t stick, but who knows, maybe I could pick some of it back up?  5th: THE FIRST NEW DRAWING FROM A FEW DAYS AGO and it’s FLOOFTY, of course. It’s not really the first, there’s a few other things before it, but they suck so... yeah. I’d crawled out of the Bugsnax hole somewhat after a few months and failing to really do anything I actually wanted to do before, but a particular fic conked me right back 6 ft under. Piled the dirt over me and packed it in tight. So here I am again. And not only is it like that, but after binging a whole nearly 60,000 words in a night/morning, I was struck with the inspiration to actually write myself. Or try to, anyway. I have experience in RPing, but not a whole lot in actually... making a story myself. It’s not been going well, but I’ve talked plenty about that already... I’m sure it gets annoying for the whole maybe one person whose seen most of it to witness. And I’m still having fun. I’d mention the fic, but considering it’s NSFW and I’m officially tagging this... I don’t know if they’d want me advertising it as such. But surprise surprise, it’s Floofty related. And don’t get the wrong idea, while it covers explicit subject matter, that’s not entirely the point. Not a bad thing if it were, just that it’s more than that. I just like good character writing over all else, which is something liking this game to begin with heavily reinforced.... 6th: Heeeere’s Gramble, again. I’d been doing some little drawings for character profile stuff in my notebook, but I started to run into some difficulties when I got to him. This here is one of the results of the couple of little draws I did to try and understand. Again, his proportions are so *weird*. He’s just a little guy.... 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th: Here marks the first impulse draw after considering Buddy/Filbo/Beffica poly stuff. As well as the sudden Buddy drawing in general, which came as a big shock to me. These draws are suuuper rough, but I like the concepts. And goodness has this stuff been a whole ‘nother tangent... I did a fair amount of talking about it here. I’d do more, since there were TONS of details I still wanted to mentioned, but... my hands are starting to hurt. So maybe later. I realized that I kinda of messed up their design in my head bc I thought they had more similar teeth to Clumby. Whoops. That’s what I get for not using reference and same with FlooFTY’S TEETH AND THE WATCH NOOOOOOOOOO- .... *Ahem* I reckon the design is subject to change. Gotta make some little adjustment here or there, like maybe different eyes to distinct them from Floofty, but I actually rather... like the look. The hat, tie, and maybe a change to a bag on the side look nice... if totally not canon. But I will have just a little break from canon, as a treat. Otherwise it’s canon or bust. Personally, at least. I don’t really hold others to that standard unless they say they’re trying to follow canon or diverge so badly that a character is unrecognizable.

if you know, you know.

———       a response to those who refuse to move on.

EDIT: after some encouragement and realizing that, while i tried to be respectful and private about this situation, i was not given the same treatment, i’ve decided to be upfront and filterless. here is a link to my page of receipts that i did not provide in this post. 

i would like to point out that when i made the DNI, it was buried and sandwiched in my super long rules purposely so that it wasn’t explicitly visible and drawing attention. it was specifically put there for mutuals to understand my boundaries for the new blog, and as soon as i moved blogs, my guidelines underwent heavy reconstruction and the DNI section was removed overall ( i don’t like DNIs for myself ), as well as on this blog. all statements made in the DNI were what i felt to be true and based off of not only my experiences, but others’ as well, backed up with evidence i have saved that i didn’t feel the need to provide because it wasn’t meant to be a big deal, but i also felt i needed to explain why this person was on a DNI and that it wasn’t done out of malicious intent. again, if something sounds bad it is because “bad” things were done and i can’t control that.

reading the call-out had me ( and others ) confused on where it was i had bullied her, when i had her blocked since november, where it was i had manipulated her, and so forth. i’m always wanting to be a better person, so i was extremely confused on where i had done anything wrong. i also didn’t appreciate my new blog url being attached to it as it had nothing to do with it and i was trying to move forward, and it read very much like an attempt to blacklist. despite everything, i never wanted it to be a spectacle. the pinned, public call-out by this person doesn’t read to me as someone wanting to move on, but wanting to drag things further. this is not a call-out post, this is me defending myself. i will not name drop. if you know who this is about, i ask you just read this to understand the full story. 

this is going to be a long boi ( i really tried to keep it short but alkfjdklfksldf nope ). i would also like to apologize for any dryness here, but i am aiming to just state facts as they are. it feels    ----    ridiculous writing this all out because it’s something that could and should have been handled privately. but, here we go !!

everything on the DNI is true. i will not post or reveal the sources because one, they are not my stories to tell, and two, i am not going to give her the excuse to bother them. they deserve to be safe, and i am walking proof of what happens when you speak out against someone like her. if i have to bear that burden, then so be it. 

it stopped being about “just a url” a long time ago. it became more about how i was treated in that interaction, and how i was continued to be treated afterwards. not to mention the increasing tension within the rpc and having to second-guess whether or not i was truly wanted. it was about how it was affecting those around me, my time in a hobby i love, and my mental health. the amount of times a mutual has tagged me by accident when they meant to tag her is insane. it most definitely did not feel good !!! if that kept happening, it was a problem. i also had to shut off the anon feature because of the amount of anons i was receiving. some had good intentions, but others had resorted to hate. 

regarding the messages on discord --- i stand by them. i thought if you were friends with someone on discord and have previously talked over time, it was okay to message, otherwise what was the point of discord? i didn't realize it would make her uncomfortable to do so, and i’m more careful about how i approach people now !!! 

regarding the messages: there was no change in tone other than that i grew exhausted and extremely anxious ( shaking !!! palms sweaty !!! knees weak !!!! mom’s spaghetti !!! ) and wasn’t in the proper mindset to sound happy while i was being invalidated to my face. i have even apologized there if i came off as mean. i don’t “present myself” in a way. that’s just how i talk, i prefer communicating one-on-one and i try to alleviate tension that arises no matter what because these types of conversations aren’t always a walk in the park. i wanted things to be good and not stressful for all parties involved. i’m sorry my tone came off as insincere. after being in desc rpc for a year, i was a little surprised seeing a near-identical url so i think it was fair for me to message her about it. she made the decision use it, and i was allowed to react. it was said misspellings in urls made her anxious so i wanted to help and i was shot down and vilified, essentially told i made her feel unsafe and shouldn’t have messaged. if it wasn’t okay to claim i felt “unsafe” and “paranoid”, why was it okay for her to claim the same based on a choice she made herself, but not me to feel anxious about those choices? 

i have never told a blog to block her. i have never initiated conversation about her, nor have i spoken negatively about her as a person. ever. i have, in fact, even stated that i didn’t want anyone blocking and that it would be okay to interact. here’s one example after i was approached about her. i cannot control what other people do.

hardblocking her on my end was to avoid seeing her on dash as much as possible. 

i am allowed to softblock / unfollow people who interact with her after months of trying to be okay with it. what kickstarted this process was someone i thought was a close friend had dropped me and suddenly i realized i didn’t need to sacrifice my comfort for the sake of keeping a mutual. if they could do it, so could i. while i adore the descendants rpc, the rpc is not a family, we’re not obligated to interact IC or be mutuals with every single person in the rpc. it’s not causing a rift when we don’t interact on dash. i have even emphasized that i would love to stay in contact via discord and write there if possible !! why am i being vilified for trying to make my blog a safe space for me?

regarding the “vagues”: they were all responses. a mutual wrote the post, i reblogged it, my tags were in response to the post ( said mutual’s url wasn’t even blocked out so ... ). if it felt like a vague, i can’t control that. the meaning behind the url post was circulating on dash, i didn’t see any vaguing in it other than me recounting my process of choosing this url, which was true ( was i not allowed to participate?? ). the shrek meme was in response to a public dash event ( which i originally thought was a joke ) that had received copious amounts of criticism for. it wasn’t a vague and it was explicit on what it was referring to, it was meant to be silly dash commentary, nothing deep. 

this is in my rules but i have explicitly stated that my headcanons about my characters are not a vague if they differ from yours. the talk about hair styles was actually initiated in a conversation with my friends in private. it had absolutely nothing to do with her. if it sounded like a drag, i encourage everyone to look at how i’ve “dragged” many other things including the original outfits for descendants, evie thinking mermaid dresses are ugly, evie not liking wine, and so forth. my portrayal of evie =/= other portrayals of evie. while she may never do so-and-so, it doesn’t make it wrong for another portrayal to do it. ( why was my blog being kept tabs on and compared with, in the first place? that’s not duplicate friendly ).

regarding sex week: i've stated it was an inappropriate event because the descendants rpc had been heavily criticized for smutting and felt it wasn't the best response, nor was it the best way to promote sex positivity. it was insanely uncomfortable to witness, as someone in this rpc. it doesn’t matter if the people or the muses involved were adults, i would still call it inappropriate had it happened in any other rpc. it wasn’t a “block and move on” situation. i’m also allowed to defend myself because i didn’t want to be associated with something she posted. i didn’t want it tied to my url. i would like to clarify that when i said "embarrassing" in the responses under that anon, it was directed at the anon for misreading the url, nobody else. ostracizing occurred when the descendants rpc was being added to DNIs because of sex week / smutting, which was posted by this person ( if you post it, you start it. simple ). i had been blocked simply because i am a descendants blog and that had never happened before. 

i was also notified that people uninvolved with this have been namedropping me on dash in an attempt to have me “written off” ( their words, not mine ) because my rules stated that i was open to exploring evie’s sexuality. below is a screenshot of my rule regarding smut. i deleted the rules page from this blog when i moved so i snatched it from my other canon descendants blog that i reuse on all blogs. the second is my elaboration on sexual content in my new evie rules. the third is what’s on my google doc, a condensed version of my rules. there is a major difference between smutting and posting a public dash event dedicated to sex versus being open to explore sexuality as a topic. they are not the same. also, me not choosing to smut does not dictate my opinion on smut, so do not make assumptions about that either. if you want to move on, why are you still talking about me on dash, especially when unprompted? if you just want to move on, why are you upset that i’m not “written off”?

this person has vagued me multiple times ( which they conveniently did not show in the call-out ), this person has been shown to talk badly of me in private ( and now, publicly as well )    ----    all of which i have not done. i have screenshots sent by others to show for it, but do not feel it’s relevant to share because this is not about her. this is just about defending myself. 

i have spent three months apologizing for feeling things, apologizing for reacting, apologizing for things i should not have been apologizing for. i have spent so long accepting blame because i felt it would help. i’m done doing that. i know what i did and what i didn’t do. people know what i did and didn’t do.

all in all, i am confused on why a call-out was made when the content provides nothing other than catty remarks meant to air out personal drama. the messages exchanged only show how i tried to remedy things. the screenshots of my “vagues” were just responses, and most of which had nothing to do with this person. my initial silly dash commentary and later discomfort over a sexual dash event posted by this person is not a vague. 

if you ( referring to maker of the call-out and others who partook ) are upset about people not talking about me in regards to the “rest of the call-out”, maybe consider the fact that there was nothing about me in it that warranted a call-out in the first place. people saw that i did nothing wrong. the only thing of substance in the call-out was something the maker themselves did : the public, sexual dash event. people are allowed to identify that as a more prominent issue as opposed to how my messages or public posts could be perceived through basic, biased narrative manipulation.

me deciding to unfollow / softblock blogs that interact with this person =/= involving the descendants rpc or making it public. i am allowed to softblock whoever i want to cultivate my dash experience. most people i know have it in their rules that they are okay with people softblocking for their comfort and that it won’t be taken personally. you know what IS making it public and involving the entire descendants rpc? this person messaging a descendants server and name dropping me in the server, reducing the situation to just being about a “url” and publicly announcing it in the server. here are the facts to consider: her message was sent jan. 21. my DNI went up feb 2. 

so, regarding the call-out: there was no bullying, no manipulation, no harassment, no gaslighting, nothing from my end, and the call-out shows precisely that the claims are just that: claims. whatever was felt is valid, but feelings =/= gravity of the actual action itself - the most common thing pointed out in therapy: feelings are valid, but are they justified? call-outs should be reserved for people who cause actual harm, not because someone wants an excuse to blacklist. if i am a “bully” for unfollowing blogs for my own comfort, then i think the rpc really needs to reevaluate what these terms mean because the misuse is harmful. 

here are the things i did do: treated everyone i talked to with respect. approached things civilly. communicated. tried to accommodate for others. attempted to make a safe space for myself. did not involve the entire rpc by announcing it in a server. did not make a call-out post nor pin it. did not continue to name drop afterwards despite claiming to want to move on.

this entire situation is absurd and should have never been public, much less made a call-out for !! while this was meant to defend myself and state facts, i understand it may not change minds. a friend has told me that people will hate me because they want to hate me, no matter what. and i can’t do anything about that !! all i have to say is that holding hate in your heart never ends well. i hope everyone can find peace at some point.

so please, let me move on. let me write with my friends. let me unfollow / softblock people to keep my dash comfortable. let me take a break from descendants while also having the choice to return at anytime. please��stop talking about me when i’m not even giving this another thought and haven’t since i moved blogs. please stop name dropping. stop keeping tabs on me, stop stalking my new blog. please leave me alone. i hold absolutely nothing against anyone i may have softblocked / unfollowed or am not currently interacting with on my new blog. my IMS / discord is always available, you will not be violating my safety by messaging me, everyone is welcome, but i also understand if you feel the need to separate yourself !!! as for those of you who have interacted with the call-out post, i wish you the best but i hope you understand why i do not want to interact with you by any means in the future. 

i’m hoping this post lays everything to rest, seeing as my first one did not. honestly, what are you trying to prove if you still have to post about this? it helps nobody. this back-and-forth is exhausting and unneeded. no more. let’s be better people, yeah?

i hope everyone takes care of themselves, i hope you all have a great day / night !!! thank you for reading this long boi !!