The answer to your problems is self-discipline

Hello! My first project is off to an interesting start. My team loved my tech spec. I was getting things done, despite my fear and doubts about if I could do it or not. Team was impressed. There were so many gaps in my understanding of things, but I powered through and have been delivering despite. Turns out, I CAN survive in a new company and code base despite not having any experience in ANY of the tools and languages my new company uses…

I felt relief when my manager came to the conclusion on his own, confirming my beliefs that this was a HUGE project that would take much longer than he 1st expected, but I’ve been learning a lot and as he said today, exemplifying resiliency.

However, it has not been all roses. A few weeks back, I noticed something off about another team’s service I was using, but I didn’t know if it was a me issue, that team’s issue, or the tool’s issue. I raised it, and they kept saying they would fix it. They would say they fixed it, it would look the same, I would raise it again, then they would say, it DOES need to be fixed again, go silent, then say it was fixed and say it’s up to me to make it work. I didn’t know I had pull and I didn’t know it truly was a problem until I got a teammate’s eyes on it. I didn’t want to embarrass them and call them out in meetings, so I said everything was all good. My manager already kinda had beef with them before I joined and made that apparent to me, which reminded me of my old company. Whenever my manager has beef with a team I’m forced to work with, I ALWAYS end up getting burned some how or another. This time was no different.

This service was owned by that colleague I said I had a crush on. I don’t have a crush no mo’, because when my manager asked me to call out the problem with the service in a meeting with my team and his team (including my manager AND his manager), his manager realized it was an issue and was like “get your ish together [my crush’s name].” It was awkward af. I lost sleep trying to document everything and do work arounds and did NOT have context on so many things that happened before I joined. This led to me not representing my team in the best way. It did buy my and the partner teams more time which we all so desperately needed. Timelines that I tried to ask for in the beginning but were told we should be more aggressive on.

My manager sent out an email to him, cc’ing all the attendees of the meeting after that. Was it necessary? Hell no. There’s a law about power that says, “Know when enough is enough.” I don’t think my manager knows that. Or maybe it’s company culture. Idk. I was more than willing to take the blame for it or make it work, hence why I didn’t raise no alarms. But I did tell him multiple times and gave him plenty of time to fix it. My TEAM told me to raise it publicly after that.

Needless to say, he is less than happy with me. He hasn’t said that, but his ruffled brow in the meeting and tone def changed. He’s much more responsive to any question I have. Goes above & beyond. He wanted to be the quickest to be promoted to L6 since he was the first ever promoted in the company from L4 to L5. Maybe he feels he’s lost that now. And he may be right. Any screw up here and it seems like you get punished disproportionately as an example for others. Needless to say, I don’t like that about the culture…

I thought about hitting dude up offline and chatting about it, but I felt like that would have been unprofessional. Sorta like how Macklemore sent Kendrick Lamar a “you should have won the rap Grammy instead of me” text and tweeted that out so other people could see lol. Damage was done. I gave him a heads up and felt the discussion could wait for our 1:1, but he rescheduled it to next. It’ll be weeks since the meeting. I think he thinks I maybe tried to embarrass him? But how could he, because I told him in private multiple times WEEKS before my manager asked about it. So there was nothing more to say.

This isn’t quite me, but I’d love to get to this level. I thought I was better than I thought, but I care more than I should what my colleagues think of me. I’m moving despite. I know they think I’m annoying af. I’d kinda hate me too lol. I’m not a wizard with this stuff, and I struggle, but I’mma try…I’m learning being a people pleaser isn’t helping me. I don’t think I have to be rude either, but I don’t have to feel bad when people are called out in my defense. I always come with the best intentions. I don’t know how I could have prevented the situation from getting to that point because I told him multiple times and got verbal confirmation he knew it was a problem and he said he fixed it multiple times and it still wasn’t. My manager was the one that told me to call the meeting with his manager.

Shortly after that, I found a few OTHER issues. I’ve never been the one to find the flaws in something. Usually it’s me being called out for making the flaws, so maybe that’s what also discouraged me from thinking it was a problem that I couldn’t fix on my own.

We have our 1:1 next week. There’s nothing for me to apologize for this time. I can’t trust him now anymore and it was already thin.

I can’t trust no one really. Not even the other Black woman on my team I knew before I joined who I heard had beef with the team and manager before I started. She constantly be asking me if I like our manager. I know what she’s trying to do. I’m not falling for that trap. I have my feelings about it, but you not gone know. I’m an empath, but I am trying to be less of an emotional sucker all around. Being nice don’t get you too far. Kind. Always. But don’t get caught slipping, because people like to take advantage of you when you come with a pure heart. Don’t stoop to their level or be closed off, but don’t let everyone in…

Feedback I received in private was, I should have rang alarms sooner. But I did above my due diligence and did damn well the best I could considering all that was on my plate! To be honest, I feel like the feedback to both me and him was to deflect from the not so great decision to agree to a timeline before I joined the team and before I hopped on the project.

I’m tired y’all. I get about 4/5 hours of sleep a night. I haven’t really hung out with the new “friends” I made, but things were looking shady anyway when I realized they had a group chat, would discuss me in it, never invite me, but they each would invite me to the same events individually. Just put me in the chat. I don’t get it. I don’t trust lol.

I go to work, I come home, I eat, I watch a few YouTube videos, I nap for 1-3 hours because I am dog tired, and hop back on the computer. I finish my self-imposed second shift around midnight - 2 AM which leaves me dog tired in the morning and throughout my day.

I’m grateful for what I have and what I prayed for, but just wish I was faster. They move FAST and it honestly at times be having me like, is this what God wants me to be doing?

I have to pray a lot about it. Sundays I spend washing my hair, going to church, and going to the mall. Saturdays I either am in an online shopping hole or YouTube hole, or I work. I told myself to sacrifice for the next 2 years, but I need balance. I want to get quicker, and stop making excuses, but I have to deliver.

I haven’t been going nuts with the online shopping. Just buying clothes so that I don’t look like a slob in t-shirts. I’ll be 31 soon and want to dress smart casually. I feel it’s respectful to myself and the folks around me.

When I doubt if I’m doing what I should be, I try to ask myself of a few things:

- Does it bring Him glory?

- Can I grow His kingdom with it?

- Does it allow me to have community?

- Does it challenge and grow me?

- Is it something I want to do?

- Does it allow me to have balance?

I can try harder to say yes to the last question. I’m also pondering, “Did He bring me to it, or am I forcing it to happen?,” because I was told no the first time I applied and reached out to a few people to try again. Was that all a part of His plan, or did I force it? I’m trusting Him though; as long as I just try my best, keep in good relationship with Him, remain confident, and let Him guide my steps, and don’t give up, I’ll end up where I’m supposed to. When you’re doing well, the devil likes to distract you. I can complain about the stares I get, the awkward silences, focus on how much I may not like where I’m at, but it’s not productive. God wants me to focus. I’m trying really hard to not let my past fool me, not revive old habits, and change the things I feel need to change for this next level.

I find myself also thinking a lot these days: what good is it if I am able to buy a house and retire years from now if I have to sacrifice seeing family, making REAL friends, doing the work I could be to grow the kingdom, and when so many who work harder won’t have the same because the economy has us all working HARD for scraps? I don’t have scraps. I’m grateful for my blessings. But I work a LOT of hours. So many people are getting laid off (I was one), and yet, businesses and CEOs are richer than they’ve ever been. The math ain’t mathing…and who typically suffers once the top suffers? All of us…

Like Mos Def says over & over @ the end: “I want my people to be free…that’s all that matters to me…”

My mom mentioned how she used to be able not to take work home. I can’t survive here if I DONT work after work. It’s not sustainable…

Will I have time to breathe? Will I get my Saturdays back? Can I have them now if I didn’t procrastinate from work laying in bed on YouTube on my Saturdays because I’m so exhausted and doing that saves me money? God’s got it handled. I shouldn’t worry about scenarios that may never happen or questions God has already found the answers for.

Something’s gotta change :)

By the way, I saw the dude and ex-colleague I had intercourse with for the first time at a parade in Oakland. He locked up and tried to act like He didn’t see me. I didn’t get that mistaken. It was pretty obvious. I had a similar interaction JUST today. One of my teammates who has given me a bit of the cold shoulder from day 1 has been OOO for 2 days this week. She is based in LA but came into the office in the Bay where I am. I’m the only one on the team in that office. She knows that. She didn’t reach out. When I saw her, I spoke and told her I didn’t know she was coming. She said “yeah, I’m still on OOO.” I felt like it was key-word for “don’t say nothing.” I didn’t. She grabbed lunch with a colleague on another team. Something smells funny, but I’m so checked out and need to focus on MY plate that I ain’t even got the time to ponder. Whatever the heck is going on AINT my business and AIN’T gone make my situation easier.

I came across a quote that I’ve been remembering from time to time: “God assigned you this mountain so you can show others it can be moved.” I would have loved to hop into a role using all the same tools I did before, but God had a different plan. I think He knows I’m trying. He’s got a plan for it. God never wants to set me up for failure. I do wonder if I should have invested more time. I can’t dwell on the past though and have to keep trying for today. I need to do less worrying and more believing. I’ve been alright so far…

A new guy started this week. He’s visiting LA soon. I told him I’m from South LA, in a city where Compton is east of it and Long Beach is south of it. He heard Compton and his face lit up: “Would I be safe in Compton?!” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Chile…

Anyway, showed him grace and told him it’s still got its activity, but for the most part, it’s just like any other city. It has been overhyped in the media but it has million dollar homes. And that’s a fact. I can’t afford to buy a home in Compton and I get paid very well. The economy is another topic for another day chile…

Anyway, despite this comment, I knew not to judge. It is only his 4th day and he already demo’d work. And it reminded me how it took me 4 weeks before I pushed code on the team’s services. It was high key embarrassing. It reminded me to stop playing scared. But I don’t know if I was truly scared back then or if I didn’t want to embarrass myself so quickly, because I figured it would be tough. I guess I just have to listen to God more. And stop comparing myself…I congratulated him. Genuinely.

I know for a fact that taking that time to learn and ease into things helped set me up for this behemoth of a project…

I’m working so hard…y’all pray for me. I’m praying for you, reader…

God bless.

Thank you, Sis! All of this has been so comforting to hear. You said it! If God is for us, WHO can be against us?! Praying for your success as well!

Hey, hey fam.

These past few weeks I have been onboarding. I let my insecurities get the best of me and didn’t want to take on an assignment early. I was dealing with some imposter syndrome and feeling the weight of being the new person. I felt like all eyes were on this little Black girl and wondering what she was going to do. I wanted to get better acclimated with my new environment and such, but also I was fearful. I’m glad I did take my time though. I extended my onboarding as much as I could and finally got started on my project last week. At first it all felt impossible, especially since my manager set an extremely aggressive timeline for it all (1-2 weeks). My teammates who I consulted about the project all told me it would take AT LEAST 3 weeks. I chatted with my mentor who I’ve mentioned to y’all who has never left my side about my fear and he suggested I ask exactly what I need to do. That encouraged me. It reminded me that I’m not even EXPECTED to know every step. Although I didn’t reach out to ask this, God heard me and a few people reached out directly with resources and help. They knew I was assigned this project and they reached out to part some wisdom and offer their continued support going forward. There was a moment when I couldn’t procrastinate anymore and I had to dive into things (a new language, a new code base, a weird interface, tangled code). I prayed to God to get me through and I felt him saying: one thing at a time. And I’m glad I did…I took one step at a time and soon things started to make sense. After a lot of time invested, I gained some confidence back and started to understand things. I made some code changes and made more progress than I thought. It’s all because I tried to face fear head on. I reminded myself that if God put me in this role, he wasn’t going to rip it away from me. He is with me at every point. If you aren’t convinced He exists, I hope you consider it, because if not for trusting Him, I wouldn’t have this praise report. I’ve written all my coding steps out in my tech spect. My team loves it! So much so, that my manager called my colleague and I his favorites on a call with the rest of the team! That was not appropriate, and made me feel like a target is now on my back from my team, but I was absolutely flattered. Some even DM’d me sharing their praise.

I felt so good I even took a work break and didn’t work after work for the first time in such a long time. I REALLY want to do well. I prayed to excel on the team quickly and I pray that is in God’s plan. I’m so used to struggling on my team no matter how agonizing it was. What was holding me back, no matter my prayers, was my fear and my inability to try as hard as I could. I want to try really hard, and I believe I can shock even myself, and that things will all turn out to be better than I expect, as long as I believe in God, pray for it, fight fear, imagine the best outcome, stop worrying, and trust HIM.

I thank God that He’s disciplined me. I want to also find balance. I haven’t worked out in a while just putting all my focus into delivering early, but I will pray for God’s help to make it a priority.

I pray yall are encouraged to fight fear and work for your wildest dreams as well.

On TOP of that, I work closely with a guy I think is kinda cute! Funny thing: my HRBP referred me to him, I reached out, he was kind, turns out were from the same city, he shared what he was working on, offered to meet with me 1:1 regularly going forward, we got paired in the same working group on our department’s offsite the next week, and then I ended up getting assigned to the project that works closely with what he is building! He doesn’t work in my office but is visiting soon and asked if I wanted to do lunch and whiteboard. I’m looking forward to it! I forget how to eat like a human when I eat in front of someone I like, so I’m going to try hard not to look like a weirdo! He has a girlfriend AND I am not going to entertain relationships nor romance with a colleague. I’ve learned from my past. I’m not even sure if I really like him or if I’m just THIRSTY. Ya girl has been deprived of male courtship for a while lol.

Anywho, I’m super grateful to God and things are going well. I have to stop bracing for impact and just continue to always expect for things to go well and know that if they don’t, it’s for a reason and God has a master plan. God bless yall.

Hey, hey fam.

These past few weeks I have been onboarding. I let my insecurities get the best of me and didn’t want to take on an assignment early. I was dealing with some imposter syndrome and feeling the weight of being the new person. I felt like all eyes were on this little Black girl and wondering what she was going to do. I wanted to get better acclimated with my new environment and such, but also I was fearful. I’m glad I did take my time though. I extended my onboarding as much as I could and finally got started on my project last week. At first it all felt impossible, especially since my manager set an extremely aggressive timeline for it all (1-2 weeks). My teammates who I consulted about the project all told me it would take AT LEAST 3 weeks. I chatted with my mentor who I’ve mentioned to y’all who has never left my side about my fear and he suggested I ask exactly what I need to do. That encouraged me. It reminded me that I’m not even EXPECTED to know every step. Although I didn’t reach out to ask this, God heard me and a few people reached out directly with resources and help. They knew I was assigned this project and they reached out to part some wisdom and offer their continued support going forward. There was a moment when I couldn’t procrastinate anymore and I had to dive into things (a new language, a new code base, a weird interface, tangled code). I prayed to God to get me through and I felt him saying: one thing at a time. And I’m glad I did…I took one step at a time and soon things started to make sense. After a lot of time invested, I gained some confidence back and started to understand things. I made some code changes and made more progress than I thought. It’s all because I tried to face fear head on. I reminded myself that if God put me in this role, he wasn’t going to rip it away from me. He is with me at every point. If you aren’t convinced He exists, I hope you consider it, because if not for trusting Him, I wouldn’t have this praise report. I’ve written all my coding steps out in my tech spect. My team loves it! So much so, that my manager called my colleague and I his favorites on a call with the rest of the team! That was not appropriate, and made me feel like a target is now on my back from my team, but I was absolutely flattered. Some even DM’d me sharing their praise.

I felt so good I even took a work break and didn’t work after work for the first time in such a long time. I REALLY want to do well. I prayed to excel on the team quickly and I pray that is in God’s plan. I’m so used to struggling on my team no matter how agonizing it was. What was holding me back, no matter my prayers, was my fear and my inability to try as hard as I could. I want to try really hard, and I believe I can shock even myself, and that things will all turn out to be better than I expect, as long as I believe in God, pray for it, fight fear, imagine the best outcome, stop worrying, and trust HIM.

I thank God that He’s disciplined me. I want to also find balance. I haven’t worked out in a while just putting all my focus into delivering early, but I will pray for God’s help to make it a priority.

I pray yall are encouraged to fight fear and work for your wildest dreams as well.

On TOP of that, I work closely with a guy I think is kinda cute! Funny thing: my HRBP referred me to him, I reached out, he was kind, turns out were from the same city, he shared what he was working on, offered to meet with me 1:1 regularly going forward, we got paired in the same working group on our department’s offsite the next week, and then I ended up getting assigned to the project that works closely with what he is building! He doesn’t work in my office but is visiting soon and asked if I wanted to do lunch and whiteboard. I’m looking forward to it! I forget how to eat like a human when I eat in front of someone I like, so I’m going to try hard not to look like a weirdo! He has a girlfriend AND I am not going to entertain relationships nor romance with a colleague. I’ve learned from my past. I’m not even sure if I really like him or if I’m just THIRSTY. Ya girl has been deprived of male courtship for a while lol.

Anywho, I’m super grateful to God and things are going well. I have to stop bracing for impact and just continue to always expect for things to go well and know that if they don’t, it’s for a reason and God has a master plan. God bless yall.

After receiving the offer, I jumped into high gear to prepare for my new role. They were requiring me to be in the office in Silicon Valley. My prayers to move out of San Francisco had been answered. My whole reason for moving from New York to get to Silicon Valley that I initially dreamed at 21 had come true at 30. Although SF and my last company and becoming a software engineer was a goal that I accomplished in 2019, being a software engineer in Silicon Valley at this type of company was the initial goal. I found a church QUICKLY that seems to be everything I want: diverse, full of happy, friendly, and genuine people, but especially Black people. So many people of all races have welcomed me and asked for my number and check in on me and save me seats and invite me to lunches and hikes and game nights. I’m getting paid more than double what I was making at my last company. I have a quiet apartment with counter space in my bathroom and kitchen. I have a short commute and can walk 10 minutes to the shuttle stop that takes me to campus in a WiFi bus. This place has so much documentation. Services are stable and work. Setting up my laptop, schedule, goals, etc have been great. My team has been so welcoming. They constantly remind me to take my time and that I can hop in when I’m ready. There are 2 other Black women on my team. They invest a lot into their employees and brand. I have a great relationship with my parents and grandparents. My mom calls em everyday. My Mom continued to send me $1000 a month every month until I got my pay check. I didn’t get my paycheck until the end of my 2nd week, but she still sent money my first week of work. I had to move from the first place I moved in because the insulation was so poor that I heard EVERY footstep and thank God I followed what I believe to be His voice to look at my lease to see that they had a 30 day guarantee where I could break my lease no questions asked. I’m in a better place. I have a Costco membership. I get to buy clothes that fit that I enjoy wearing. I still need to be a good steward of the blessings God has given me. I learned how to trim my hair, so I’m truly independent with my hair care. I was freaking out about not knowing Java before I started my new role, but my manager planned before I got there to give me time to ramp up on the language but give me tasks in a language I already know so I could start delivering on the team. He is giving me space while allowing me to feel productive. I’ve received great feedback so far. I know what I’m being asked to do in my role. Things are clear. I feel more responsible. I be tired, but the office is a great temperature! Most of my team is scattered across the country and only me and another colleague come in the office, but we don’t even sit right next to each other so there’s no pressure to show up a certain way. She’s such a sweetheart. Upon meeting me, she asked if she could hug me. It felt like God was hugging me through her. Like, “You made it child.” I’m trying my best to remember where I came from, maintain in relationship with God, keep praying as I did when I really needed God to come through, expect only the best and not let my past or past bad habits haunt me. I went through what I went through for a reason. I’m more patient, responsible, happy, grateful, calm, trusting. When I learned my destination was closed when I got dropped off, my Uber driver said, “You took that pretty well. Most people would be mad.” I’ve come a long way to hear this. This was such a compliment. I’ve learned to chill. I practiced this before getting what I prayed for because I knew God would grant me it.

I know I will face challenges, but I know that I don’t need to worry. Before all these blessings, I thanked God for making it happen, because I knew He would. All while I got to stay true to myself and just focus on doing my best. I have prayers for my life, my career, a marriage, my finances, my health, my family, the world, and I know God is capable. I know things are going to turn out better than I expect.

I had been wanting to share God’s love with y’all for a while, I just needed time to settle in to all the newness. God did exceedingly, abundantly, above all I could ask or think. And He can do the same for you. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Holy Spirit. God bless you, reader. Whatever you’re going through, I know God can get you through.

Tumblr, Fam!

It’s been a minute…but I’m here to report some amazing news. After more than a year of being unemployed, I am happy to say that God blessed me with my 1st choice role. I am blessed regardless, even if he didn’t give this to me. Believe that. Believe that you are blessed too, no matter what you’re going through.

God reminded me yet again that He follows through on His promise. It’s been MONTHS since I’ve been here, so I can’t go into detail as much as I would like. So much has happened. Now that you know that the reason for my triumph is because of the Lord, where do I go from here in breaking it all down?

Well I guess first where I left off! I last told yall about how my mom visited me in September. I lost my grandfather a few months before then, couldn’t get to the funeral because flights were canceled and none would have got me there in time, and I was steady receiving rejection after rejection. The company I am at first told me no. I was devastated, especially because I KNEW I had done well on my interview. That was probably one of the best interviews I had so I was so sad. I even received awesome feedback from the interviewers. I had done so well and finished so early, they started asking my system design questions and, to my surprise, I got a lot of them correct. I waited for 2 weeks, hoping I’d hear yes, but I didn’t. I was thinking of moving home since it was almost November and recruiting usually slows down in November. I cried. I had been a year unemployed at that time and I gave myself that deadline so that I could have a little money in my pocket in case I had to move home. But I ran the numbers in my head and realized, I wouldn’t need THAT much money if I moved home since I knew I would probably stay in all the time and just work...I knew my meals at least would be covered. I told myself to stay in it, despite it being November, because I was on God’s clock and not mine. The person that referred me to my top choice also told me to try again because the company didn’t have a cool down period like other companies. He was rejected before he was eventually told yes as well. On top of that, my grandfather left me an inheritance before he passed. Just when I thought I was going to have to move home, God came through yet again. He be showing up in the 11th hour sometimes, but the key is that he be showing up…

That, paired with prayer, and a finance course I was taking at my church encouraged me to pay my loans off. My inheritance was completely eaten up by it, and I was unemployed with no promise of employment, but I was so emotionally spent at that point, that I was like, I have nothing more, I might as well lean on faith. After doing all I had a few deaths in my family: great uncles and aunts I didn’t know too well.

Then, they found cancer on my other grandfather’s kidney. He had fought prostate cancer when I was a child, but you never know what can happen with cancer. Glory to God though, he was able to have the cancer removed and his kidney salvaged. I remember right before he went into surgery, he called and asked when I was moving back so he’d know when to clean up and make room for me. When he asked that, I felt really low. My 78 year old grandfather has had limited mobility for a while and was about to go into surgery to remove cancer from his body for the 2nd time, and here he was asking how he could help ME, so when he asked me this, I felt like I had blew it. I felt like I was in that position because I didn’t work hard enough. I had to remind myself not to feel this way because I truly did work really hard…

I spoke to so many people and had so many interviews, so many of them I did well, but still no cigar…On top of that, my old work crush, the first guy I had intercourse with, got back in touch with me to tell me HE was doing a career pivot and switching to software engineering. Despite how hurt he made me feel by kicking me to the curb after I didn’t match up to his expectations after I gave my body to him and told me this, I put on a good face and gave him the best advice on how to be successful in his career transitioning and offered to be a resource, because that’s what God would want me to do…

Someone posted a link to enter to get free AfroTech tickets. AfroTech is a conference for Black techies of all kinds. I entered and was granted it. I didn’t know if it was smart to pay for a flight, hotel, and all the festivities, and I was terrified of taking a week break because I know it can be hard to find my momentum again, but I heard God say, GO! I was even afraid of introducing myself to so many new people as unemployed. But I felt God telling me, “Your job doesn’t make you, I DO!”So I went. And I had so much fun. Because I got that free ticket, I became aware of opportunity to submit my resume to their resume inventory. This exposed me to the companies that were looking to recruit and interview. I was contacted by so many companies and went on so many interviews. A lot of people didn’t care that I was laid off, because many others were too. I was afraid to get braids for the conference because I was afraid of how I would look in front of employers. Tech is for the freaks and nerds and they created “come as you are” corporate culture, but after being let go, I was so insecure and started to believe those rules didn’t apply to me. I did anyway and met a new braider. She was a single mother of 4 kids from Michigan. She told me about how she moved her kids in her car across the country to California even without a job. She eventually got one and is doing okay, even with one of her children being deaf. I told her about my situation and she said that I needed to be more proactive and tell recruiters that I had an offer but before accepting, I was open to seeing what they would offer me…

I got a lot of male attention with my braids and not to mention felt really confident. I partial fasted before because I knew there would be a lot of temptation and I wanted to remain focused and not block my blessing, and I looked and felt amazing from the fast. I saw a lot of people I hadn’t in a while. Met a lot of people I still talk to today. Made some friends. A man paid for my meal because he said he enjoyed talking to me. So much free swag. Austin was beautiful. I got to chat with Matt Barnes and tell him I appreciated that he stood up for his kids and name against Derek Fisher, and I got a hug from Stephen Jackson. I saw the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen 😅. But I’m still single y’all…

I even ran into that dude I mentioned I had sex with. The old work crush. Really not old, because I still think about him daily. Even though I don’t want to be with him. Even though I know I will have much more. He still takes up a lot of my thoughts. Anyway…he tried to come to my hotel room while at the conference for sex, and I was prepared to just stay silent on the phone when he was being sexually suggestive. He got the picture and hung up…Although my flesh was calling, I didn’t want NOTHING to block my blessing. I haven’t even watched porn in over a year! When I got unemployed, I vowed to clean up my act to stay in the right mindset to accept this blessing. I’m happy to say, I still haven’t watched porn, even after receiving what I prayed for, because I know God’s got something greater for me…

Everytime I watched porn, I would stay up really late and although it was very stimulating in the hour or two that I would watch it, I feel horrible, ashamed, and gross the next day. Also lonely. It doesn’t replace real intimacy. I don’t believe marriage is far away for me. I can wait…

When I returned from the conference, I had felt really low. Time was ticking I felt and no companies from the conference that I wanted to set me up for interviews were. It felt like the beginning of the end or that I may have to accept a role from a company I didn’t want to be at. But one thing I did do was try my hardest to appreciate whatever God gave me. I got so fervent in my prayers. One day, after crying for hours, I hopped into my Bible. I was searching to match what I believed to be true to God’s word after Googling, “how do you hear God’s word.” I was VERY unsure of what God wanted me to do. Did he want me to accept these companies I didn’t really want to be at? I asked my pastor about it and she said that I’ll know it’s God’s blessing if it excites me. He wants me to be happy. I kept also remembering, “I don’t believe He brought me this far to leave me…”. He had given me everything I had wanted or better thus far, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to accept something that I didn’t want but what was good for me…

I had such a fire that night searching His word. I watched HOURS of Devon Franklin’s sermons just to hear what God was saying to me. I had never searched that hard before. I remembered what my hair braided said about going hard for what I want. On the thought of that, I reached back out on LinkedIn to a recruiter of my first choice company that rejected me after I gave an amazing interview. I told her I had a few offers (I truly felt like I was going to have some even though I didn’t) but really wanted to work at her company, and she said, “We’d love to have you! Another recruiter will be in touch.”…and just like that, I was back in the funnel…I had my second chance I was praying for.

Later that day, my first offer after being unemployed came from a company I spoke to at that conference that reached out right before the conference after they found my resume I submitted in the portal for the conference. An insurance company. One interviewer asked me, “What’s the real reason you’re unemployed?! Tell me the truth. None of the offers have been what you want?” He didn’t believe that I truly hadn’t been given an offer yet, so I didn’t fight him. I agreed…and it led to my first offer…

Even before I got the offer, remember I told the recruiter from my first choice company that I had one? I felt bad lying, but I’m glad it wasn’t a real lie, because hours after I said that, I got the call from the insurance company extending me the offer…That’s God…

Now I didn’t want to work there, but I accepted for security because I still wanted to go for my top choice…

After getting that one, almost every company I was in conversations with pushed me further through their pipelines. Soon, I was getting and passing interviews all of a sudden. Yes, I was better, but having an offer DEFINITELY changed companies’ willingness to bet on me.

I KNEW I did well on my first round of interviews because they accepted it for this new role I was up for and put me straight to onsite. I did my interviews and did really well. It wasn’t nearly the hardest onsite I had had thus far, so thank God I was able to really rock it.

They made me wait a whole week and a half to hear back! My interviews were the week before Thanksgiving, and I didn’t even want to go home because I wanted to prepare for my next interviews in case my top choice rejected me again, but I told myself a break would be good and wouldn’t cripple me. In fact it would probably refresh me and allow me to be better prepared for upcoming one, so I went home. And waited. I didn’t tell anyone anything. I didn’t want nothing blocking my blessing. When I returned home after Thanksgiving, I got the call that I was being extended the offer.

Glory to God.

Hey Y’all!

Been taking some time away to focus. Still grinding. Just dropped in to tell you, don’t give up. Trust Him!

Someone tagged this “black women in tech” and yes, indeed, it is!

From the Bible App’s “Verse of the Day Story” I need to remember:

Calm in the Storm

One of the most well-known stories in Jesus' life is the calming of the storm (Matthew 8:23–27, Mark 4:35–41, and Luke 8:22–25).

Think about the disciples hanging out on a boat with Jesus when a life-threatening storm erupts on the water. They’re unprepared to face it. Panicking, they realize they might die. The entire time this is happening, Jesus is sleeping peacefully.

Instead of looking at Jesus’ reaction to their situation, the disciples allowed their situation to dictate their reactions.

After begging Jesus to do something, He calms the storm … but not before asking them, “Why are you afraid?”

His gentle rebuke wasn’t because they didn’t believe Jesus could save them from the storm, but because they struggled to believe He would see them through it.

They knew Jesus was in their boat, they just didn’t understand what He was fully capable of doing.

Jesus was their strength through the storm and over the storm.

Jesus was their provider, protector, healer, and leader.

Jesus was their source of peace and power.

And the same God who was with the disciples in the boat is with us. No matter what your current storm looks like—Jesus is near. There is not a situation you have gone through that Jesus hasn’t endured beside you.

Jesus was, and is, and is to come. He was there at the beginning of time, and He will be there at the end of it. He has seen every event in human history, and He has not forsaken anyone who cries out for Him and trusts in Him.

Nothing is impossible for God, and His character never changes. He is for you, and not against you—that’s why you have nothing to fear. And that is why today, you can make Isaiah 41:13 your own personal promise:

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

Reminder

My mom helped me out in a way that I hoped she would. I am grateful that she is so generous. And before you get up in arms about how I come from great wealth, I admit, I am privileged, but not rolling in dough. I found out today that my mom makes $180k as a Stock Plan Administration for a tech company with 20+ years of experience. In my opinion, she’s making WAYYY lower than I think she should considering that. In fact, I have the potential to make more than her in my next role. Considering this, I REALLY don’t like asking her for anything because she constantly has to support the family. Her immediate, her parents, and her siblings and their kids. She had to support the household when my father didn’t, and he took a lot of her savings AND the house he wasn’t paying for in the divorce. She should be looking to retirement soon and yet she’s still working and hoping to find something she enjoys doing since she doesn’t like her job. She doesn’t take no for an answer. If I send it back to her, she just sends it right back. I hope to be able to pay her back 10-fold. I was preparing myself to move back in November. This definitely helps me to be able to stay a little longer. I just don’t know how long it will truly be, so I don’t know how much I should accept from her. If it helps, my expenses are about $5k/mo. This includes rent ($2400/mo), phone bill ($200/mo), utilities ($50/mo), internet ($90/mo), public transportation ($150/mo), interview prep materials ($100/mo), groceries ($400/mo), renter’s insurance ($15/mo), gym membership ($25/mo). Like, look at just my subscriptions which help me code, find healthy recipes so I don’t eat out, stay fresh on the latest news in my industry, keep my online portfolio up for recruiters, etc. Do you see Netflix, Apple Music, etc? No! Because I’m still on my mom’s plan.

$2400 for rent seems like a lot, and it is, but it’s actually cheap for San Francisco. It’s unfortunate. It would be smarter to get roommates, but no one’s accepting a tenant without a job. It would be smart to move home, but I don’t have a room and desk area to focus at my grandparents’. My mom is about to move in with my aunt and my aunt’s 4 children so there isn’t space for me there either. I haven’t included travel, because I don’t, nor a social budget because I cut all that out. I’m also paying for the cheapest gym in the city. This doesn’t include health care ($700/mo) I was paying. I hope I get approved for medi-cal or just get a job soon so that I don’t have to go back to paying that. God will make a way and I need not worry.