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apocalypseornaw · 3 years

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Never Doubt Us

For @girl-next-door-writes make me feel bingo square "fairytale AU"

Sometimes the man isn't the knight in shining armor

How had you allowed your life to come to the point it had? With your commoner bloodline you never should have even known the Princes beyond their names. Thanks to the fact that your parents had been killed and left you in the care of their closest friend Sir Robert you’d been raised in the castle.

As children you’d played with Dean’s younger brother Sam. Dean didn’t play as much. He was stoic even at a young age especially when King John was around. It confused you as to why he would care if his son was to be allowed the simple privilege of being a child before he would have a kingdom placed on his shoulders but when you’d questioned it you’d been told to stay in a child’s place. Your friendship with both boys grew throughout your younger years.

As all of you grew and the Princes started to learn their own responsibilities you started to train with the other knights' sons despite being the other female in the bunch. Your prowess with a sword matched or outshone them by far, even gaining the attention of King John when he’d observe the training. You had no admiration for the king like the boys you trained with, you’d seen how cold he was towards his sons and knew that a measure of a king was how he was as a simple man as well.

When he one day approached during training to question if you really thought a woman would be welcomed onto the royal guard you’d squared your shoulders and met his questioning gaze head on “King John would you rather someone on your guard who can deflect an arrow with her sword or would you prefer getting shot because you had a man at your side?” He’d laughed and had offered you a spot on Dean’s guard. You’d told him respectfully that you would only accept the offer if Dean was in agreement as well. You’d known he would you were friends with him as well as Sam even if you could never admit that to the king.

------

When you’d first been appointed on Dean’s guard there was of course some fallout. Men doubted a woman naturally. The first time King John had ordered Dean to go to a neighboring kingdom as an ambassador in an attempt to gain an ally he’d suggested leaving you behind. Dean had told him he would do no such thing.

On that trip you’d saved the princess of the neighboring kingdom from an assasitantion attempt, getting wounded in the process. It was also the first time you’d realized your feelings for your prince went so much deeper than friendship or even that of being his guard. Your only thought had been his safety even when the healers were patching your skin you’d asked of him. The moment the question fell from your lips it was as if those words summoned him.

The doors leading into the room you were in burst open and Dean walked through followed by your fellow guardsmen Benjamin and Steven. When he saw you sitting up the anger in his bright green eyes quickly faded to concern “Are you well?” he asked and the healers quickly went over your injury then excused themselves Benjamin and Steven following suit.

You stood to dress considering you’d been forced to strip down to your underthings for your injuries to be treated. “The sword didn’t go very deep thankfully” you replied turning your back to him so you could slip your shirt over your head but when you flinched trying to get it on his hands had come to cover yours “We swam together as children. You’ve stood guard outside my baths I think it wouldn’t be indecent for me to help you dress”

You turned to face him holding the shirt out. He took it but not before he let his fingertips trace the bandages on your side. “You secured the allyship single handedly” You forced a smile trying to look anywhere besides directly into his eyes. They were a shade of green that outshined any gem you’d even seen “At least my death would have held meaning had I met that fate” his hand moved from your side to cup your face forcing you to look him in the eye as he spoke “You being alive holds more meaning than any allyship ever would” you swallowed hard trying to push the feelings you’d developed for him down.

“Thank you” you whispered and he nodded then slowly moved his hand from your face “Let’s get you dressed then you’re off guard duty for the journey home” “Dean..” you started but he silenced you with a look “Are you arguing with your Prince?” the slight smirk that graced his face pulled a smile onto yours “Of course not” he nodded then gently slipped the shirt over your head tying it where it needed to be.

The night after you were cleared by the healers to go back on full guard duty you were preparing to go to bed when a knock at your chamber door drew your attention.

You crossed over to it and were surprised when Dean was standing on the other side. "Dean..I know you can out fight most of the royal guard but for my peace of mind I'd prefer you not wander the grounds alone especially after one of your guards thwarted an assassination attempt so recently" he smiled gently and looked almost sheepish which was by far not his usual demeanour "then would it be appropriate to ask that guard to accompany me for a walk under the moonlight?"

You quickly schooled your features so your surprise wouldn't be as apparent "Of course. Let me pull my boots back on and we'll go" he stood just inside your chambers watching as you retrieved your boots and jacket. When you slid your arms into the sleeves of the coat he smiled "I see you are healing well" you laughed "Ask Benjamin. I flipped him onto his back multiple times while we were sparring today" a flash of some emotion went through his eyes but it was gone as fast as it had appeared.

He motioned to the door so you walked out first and waited until he closed the door behind himself to ask "Is there a reason for this walk or did you simply crave some fresh air?" He shrugged one shoulder "I think I craved the company more than anything" you tried to push down the flush of heat spreading through your face at his words.

You walked in silence next to him until the two of you were far out side the castle listening to the sound of a lone whippoorwill cutting through the night.

"You seem to favor training with Benjamin" Dean spoke finally breaking the silence as the two of you neared the pond at the edge of the property. It was here Robert had taught the two of you and Sam how to swim.

You walked over to sit at the base of the large tree that overlooked the water and Dean joined you his shoulder brushing against yours. Normally you would squabble over anyone being that close to you but this proximity with Dean was familiar enough to make your heart ache when you were reminded it would always simply be friendship. After a moment of thinking you replied "I suppose I do yes. I prefer being on duty with him as well. He's easy to talk to and was one of the first on the guard to welcome me instead of questioning me due to my being a woman"

"He seems to favor you as well" you turned to look at Dean in the dim light of the moon and was shocked when you saw the twinge of jealousy his eyes held "Dean what are you saying?" "Do you have feelings for him?"

You laughed more self deprecatingly than anything before responding "He's my friend and I trust him at my side in a fight but beyond friendship no I have no romantic feelings for him" Dean turned to look at you and you almost looked away due to the fact that this close a mere movement would have your lips touching "When you were hurt. I had no concern for the assassin or the princess. I wanted to be at your side. Steven and Benjamin both had to stop me and I still very nearly laid down pretenses of being a prince to get to you" you swallowed the emotions threatening to spill out so that you could ask "What do you mean?"

You had a feeling but needed to hear the words for yourself, to know the way you felt about Dean was reciprocated. "I've fallen in love with you. Is there a chance you could feel the same" you were unaware you were crying until Dean gently wiped the tears from your cheeks as you spoke "I've loved you for years but you're destined to be king.." Your words were cut short by his lips finding yours. You gave into the kiss immediately melting against him. His hands moved to your waist pulling you into his lap as the two of you attempted to put every emotion you were feeling and had hidden into that one kiss.

When you finally broke away he rested his forehead against your neck "I have years before I have to become king. We can change things before then. If you want me, if you want this I would move the heavens for you" you laughed and gently touched his face pulling back so he'd be forced to look you in your eyes "I do not need the heavens and while I don't want to think about the future I do know that I've never felt as complete as I do right now"

That first night you spent in Dean’s arms as he told you and showed you the love he had for you felt like heaven itself or the closest you’d ever get. Months passed and you were so close to being happy but then King John had taken ill.

You’d known the day of King John's funeral that no matter how you felt about Dean that you couldn’t continue being with him. You stood at attention with Benjamin and Steven watching Dean welcome other royalty and noblemen and women. He was born for this, to be an extraordinary leader. You were born to be anything but. Had your parents survived you would've been married off in your teen years to whatever man asked your father first.

Dean would need to take a wife, a queen to rule by his side and you could never fill that. You’d break your own heart before you’d risk him being hurt by loving you in any way.

------

That night Dean had come to your chamber. You knew he expected to be welcomed with open arms. You wanted nothing more than to spend the night wrapped up in him but knew it was up to you. He'd never accept you pulling away all at once but if you started slowly pulling away perhaps he'd lose some of the love he held for you then when the princesses from neighboring kingdoms started to come he'd give one of them an actual chance then your kingdom would have a ruler better than it had seen in years with him as king.

You answered the door in your dressing gown and saw the way his eyes ran across your body. It wasn't merely sexual. He looked relieved to see you and his eyes held so much love in them you nearly started crying from the task at hand. "I'm sorry Dean I just don't think it's proper for you to not be in your own chambers at this time. We have guests here in the castle and what if one of them comes looking for you?"

“Then come with me, please? It’s been a long day and I’d much rather fall asleep with you in my arms” “I am too tired to dress Dean and there’s too many prying eyes for you to be escorted to your chambers by one of your guards in a mere dressing gown” “I am not concerned what they see, I love you and I want to be with you tonight” you closed your eyes and took a deep breath feeling your resolve waver but knowing it was for the best.

“I promise to join you tomorrow night my love” at your words a small smile slipped onto his face “I love you” you could feel yourself threatening to break even as you said in nearly a whisper “I love you” then watched him turn and walk away before shutting the door. You slid down it and it wasn’t until your legs hit the cool hard floor that reality hit you.

The man you’d grown up alongside, one of your best friends, the man you were in love with and wanted a future with was no longer yours to have. You allowed yourself a few moments to fall apart before pushing yourself to your feet. You needed rest and to plan how to get through the following weeks with your mental state intact.

You could feel eyes on you even as you spun out of Benjamin’s reach. Even when you sidestepped to dodge his next blow you knew he was watching. Dean had a way of making your body feel like it was on fire with just a look. You glanced up and spotted him standing with Sam, Robert and Queen Adelia who was no doubt visiting in an attempt to secure Dean choosing her daughter Princess Lysa.

You felt your feet go out from under you as Benjamin swept your legs out and when your back hit the dirt you flipped to catch him bringing him down as well. When you and Benjamin helped each other to your feet you realized Robert and Adelia were walking over with Dean and Sam trailing not too far behind.

Robert introduced you and Benjamin by your name and rank you both held. You didn’t miss the look in Adelia’s eyes when she realized you held the same rank as the man standing next to you. “I heard about your woman guard, seems she made quite the impression amongst our allies” you smiled “Saving Princess Joanna from an assasination attempt did help” you saw a slight smirk grace both Dean and Sam’s faces as Adelia tried to rephrase her wording

“Oh dear that’s what I meant of course. Though why a girl as pretty as you would choose such a trade is beyond me” you brushed your legs off then shrugged one shoulder “It’s noble work. I’m protecting people I care about and my kingdom. Is that not much different than your position as a queen?”

“I suppose not dear” she smiled then winked at Benjamin “Who knows perhaps one of your fellow guardsmen will decide they want to make an honest woman of you” you had to remind yourself of your standing so instead of saying what you wanted you simply replied “I am quite honest enough all on my own. Now if you’ll excuse me Benjamin and I are due to the archery range to continue our training for the day”

You walked past Dean and saw the way his eyes tracked your movement. It had been a few weeks since King John’s passing and the pressure was getting more intense daily on him to choose a wife. You’d kept your word and had gone to him the night after John’s funeral but since then had nearly exhausted your list of reasons as to why you had gone from sharing a bed nightly with him to perhaps once a week if that.

You knew he was getting suspicious as to why and that it would eventually lead to him questioning you. You only hoped he had chosen a suitable wife by then.

------

Another week passed and you were walking with Benjamin and Steven across the grounds when you heard a noise that made your heart fall to your feet. It was Dean laughing.

Normally that would bring you joy but when you looked towards the sound to see him walking with Sam and Princess Lysa you felt sick. You knew she’d arrived the day before but this was your first time seeing her. She was beautiful. Her dress was made of the finest material,her dark hair styled perfectly. You watched the way she looked at Dean and had to suppress your anger. He belonged with someone like her, not you.

Unfortunately while Steven was oblivious to your actions Benjamin leaned closer and whispered “She’s not the type of queen he needs” you raised an eyebrow in question as to what he meant.

He waved a hand around himself ignoring the fact that Steven had continued walking while the two of you were stopped “This kingdom needs a queen that matches Dean. Someone who will fight for the people, someone who is capable and has strength and warmth. Someone who can spill blood but comfort within moments of the other"

“And who might you have in mind because I’ve yet to meet a noblewoman like that” you questioned and he shook his head and continued walking leaving you to ponder if you were that obvious or if Benjamin was just that attuned to you and Dean.

------

You were headed to your chambers after a tiring day. You’d hear from too many of the castle staff that Lysa was extending her stay. There would be only one reason for that, a betrothal. You wanted to cry, scream or fight someone but this was what you’d wanted wasn’t it?

You were stuck inside your own head; you did not hear Benjamin calling your name until he touched your shoulder. You flinched despite yourself and he smiled warmly “Dean asked if you could come to his chambers, something of the journey to the northern isles?” That journey was still months away but instead of questioning it further you simply nodded “Yes I’ll stop by him”

Benjamin walked away so you took a shortcut that would get you across the castle without going by the guest area where Lysa would be staying. You doubted your ability to hold your tongue this late.

When you finally made it to Dean’s chambers you hesitated before knocking. The moment your knuckles hit the hard wood he opened the door and his smile made your heart skip. “If only I knew all it took was getting Benjamin to ask you here I would’ve done that two weeks ago” he stepped back to let you in so you took a few steps forward not going all the way into the room purposely giving a wide berth to the four poster bed that took up over half the room. You’d spent countless nights in it and now would be the last time your eyes graced it.

He stepped closer and despite knowing you shouldn’t you allowed him to pull you into his arms. You’d give yourself the memory of being held by him this last time. “I have to announce who I am choosing as queen within the week” you felt tears sting your eyes threatening to spill but you swallowed them down.

“Just know I hold no hard feelings Dean and I will cherish the time we had together” he pulled back from you and his face fell the moment he looked you in the eyes “What?” You smiled sadly “Dean we both know you have to choose a princess” “Says who?” “Tradition” your voice cracked on the word but you knew it was true, felt it to your core.

“I do not care about tradition, I care about you” he spoke, pulling you back into his arms. His mouth was warm on your neck when he spoke your name just above a whisper. His rough hands smoothing across your back sliding under the shirt you wore begging for access to more skin. “Please we will figure this out. I refuse to marry another when I know where my heart belongs” you closed your eyes to stow the flow of tears.

You owed it to him and to your kingdom to be strong. You loved him beyond anything that was why you had to stop this now he deserved a noblewoman, someone who came from a pure bloodline. Not someone like you who’d grown from a child being more familiar with a sword or a bow than a dress. “I will always love and I will protect you with my final breath but I’m not suited to be a queen. I’d never be accepted” you pulled away from him despite everything in you screaming to fall into his arms, into his bed.

You turned and quickly crossed the floor not looking back even as he called your name. As soon as you shut the heavy door to his chambers behind you that was when the tears started.

You stood at attention with the rest of the royal guard. You had not spoken a single word to anyone since the night in Dean’s chambers. You felt as if you had no words left within you. Today Dean would be announcing who he’d chosen as a wife. Princess Lysa was still staying in the castle so it appeared his decision was made.

When the bell sounded to gather all in attendance’s attention you looked up to see Robert standing at the raised part of the room which held the thrones during ceremonies. He met your eyes and his held nothing but sorrow. He knew your true heart and knew it was breaking but he also knew your strength. You would stand stoic while the man you loved announced his betrothal to another because it needed to happen.

You watched as Dean and Sam joined Robert. Dean held your eyes for several moments before saying “I am expected to choose a wife, a queen for this kingdom. I am of two minds. One is the way my father raised me. He told me to put my duties first. My father would have chosen Princess Lysa for my bride” you swallowed hard when she stepped onto the platform next to him.

Benjamin looked towards you and you knew that was his silent way of asking if you would be alright. You gave a tight nod refusing to break even as Lysa moved to kiss Dean. He stepped away from her after whispering something that made her shoot a deadly glare your direction.

He cleared his throat to settle the room when everyone started to speculate as to what was going on. “My father would have chosen Lysa for my bride but his father Henry my grandfather would have told me to listen to my heart. Sir Robert who’s watched me and my brother grow from small boys has always advised me that a strong king is a strong man. A strong man needs a strong woman in his life. I have long since given my heart to another and I do not intend to ever ask for it to be returned” he looked over at you and held his hand out. You took a deep breath but felt Benjamin's hand on your shoulder giving a gentle push.

Sam stepped off the platform to meet you halfway and held his arm out. You slipped your arm through it and allowed him to escort you despite the near deafening whispers being tossed about. Once you made it to the platform he gently put your hand into Dean’s who pulled you up next to him.

You watched Lysa storm off before turning your attention to Dean. He looked around the room then back at you “Tradition says I pick a noblewoman or princess. Before you, tradition says only men served the royal guard yet Princess Joanna is alive because of you. You came to live here at the castle when Sam and I were mere children, I’ve seen you stand your ground with my father. I’ve seen you go against enemies and do anything to protect those lucky enough to be loved by you. Over the years we formed a friendship and from there something so much more. I’m here today to ask will you do me the honor of being my queen?”

The entire room faded away. In that moment it was only you and him “Are you certain I’m who you want?” you asked and he nodded, taking the ring from Robert who held it out. “I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life” “Then yes” he slipped the ring onto your finger and pulled you into a kiss. Most of the room voiced their approval at his choice and when he pulled back he whispered “Never doubt us again please” “Never” you whispered then pulled him back for another kiss.

@girl-next-door-writes

#spn fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester x female!reader #girl next doors make me feel bingo

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ayybtch · 3 years

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The One

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x f!Reader

Summary: Things are going up and down for you as you try to navigate life after your breakup with Bucky. Everything leads to an accidental run-in with him at a coffee shop that leaves you and Bucky wondering if things could have been different. Based on the song The 1 by Taylor Swift.

Warnings: This is an angsty fic. The reader is actively struggling with mental illness and a breakup. There are mentions of being on antidepressants and symptoms such as anxiety, insomnia, and sometimes not having the energy for personal care, but nothing in-depth.

Word Count: 11,261

A/N: I owe a very special thank you to @borkingbarnes, who has supportively been screaming at me for writing this ever since I told her this idea and gave me some brilliant suggestions during her beta read. The dividers were made by the lovely @whimsicalrogers.

“So, how have the new meds been treating you? Are they still making you nauseous after you first take them?”

You looked across the room at your therapist and shook your head, “No, they’re not making me nauseous anymore. I’ve been making sure that I’ve got food in my stomach first and not just a cup of coffee. I’ve also been better about taking them at the same time each day,” you said.

She smiled at you. “Do you feel like they’ve been helping?”

You shrugged and offered a half-smile back. Not satisfied with your answer, she continued probing. “Well, do you feel like you have more energy than on the other meds? Are you sleeping more….?” She trailed off at the end, voice hopeful.

“Oh. Yeah, I have been sleeping a little better. I’ve been sleeping closer to 5 hours each night, though it’s still taking a really long time for me to fall asleep. I’ve had more energy but I don’t know if that’s because of the meds or the sleep?” You trailed off a bit at the end, unsure of if that truly answered her question.

“It could be a mix of both. I’m glad to hear you’re sleeping more though, you weren’t getting very much when you first started seeing me.” She offered you another smile before adjusting herself in her seat and continuing, “Now, what have you been doing with this extra energy? Any new hobbies, catching up with friends, going on dates, anything like that?”

You shook your head no. “I don’t have much of a friend group anymore, not since…” your voice faded before the sentence finished. You closed your eyes and shook your head slightly. Pull yourself together. “I am meeting Natasha after this, actually. She and I were friends before everything and she’s the only one that’s really stuck around since. It’s been about a month since I last saw her so I’m looking forward to seeing her.” The therapist nodded and offered a sympathetic smile that made your stomach turn. You decided to continue before she chimed in.

“I’m running again too. I used to go on a nightly run before things got bad. It’s not for as long or as far as I used to but it’s better than sitting on the couch, I guess.”

She nodded and began writing on her notepad, “That’s wonderful. What do you enjoy about your runs?”

Her question was unexpected and it took you a minute to answer. “It’s peaceful. It’s one of the few times I can shut my brain off and zone out. Though, if it’s a bad day it doesn't always work.”

She nodded and paused, as if trying to carefully choose her next words. “One thing I’ve noticed whenever stuff comes up is that you always talk about ‘before’, but what about the ‘after’? Have you thought about trying to get back out there and start your ‘after’?” An uncomfortable knot formed in your stomach as she spoke.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet,” you whispered.

She pursed her lips but didn’t say anything. Eventually, she nodded and continued to make notes.

***

The session continued for another half hour before it ended with a smile and a brief conversation with her secretary, confirming your appointment for the same time next week.

As you stepped out the door, you let out a sigh of relief. Therapy sessions were hard. Even though today’s session had been relatively mild, the process was still draining and left you feeling exhausted most days. It really helped though and making the decision to go was one of the best decisions you could have made for yourself. A smile settled on your face as you pulled your jacket tighter across your chest before beginning your walk to meet Natasha.

You had discovered soon after starting therapy that walking to and from the appointment gave you the time you needed to prepare yourself for the session and unwind after. The hustle and bustle of New York created the perfect background noise for you to organize your thoughts. Most days it helped you process the questions the therapist asked. Often, you answered them a little deeper than what you had in the session knowing that nobody would know the real answer except for you.

Guilt gnawed at you as you thought about it. Wasn’t the whole point of therapy to be honest? Were you still getting as much out of it as you could if you were completely honest? You shook your head and sighed. Sometimes there were things better left unsaid.

One of the many things that had been left unsaid had to do with what you missed most about being with him. You had shrugged it off when she asked, saying it was nice having a person around because it was less lonely. While true, the full answer was more painful than you felt comfortable admitting out loud. He had understood you in ways nobody else ever had and nobody else ever would again. It gave you the freedom to be unapologetically you every second of the day. The thought of not being known like that again and having to put on a facade felt like the loneliest existence the universe had to offer. It made your chest ache.

Today though, it gave you the chance to collect your thoughts before Natasha had the opportunity to interrogate you. To be fair, it wasn’t really an interrogation. She was far too gentle when she asked you questions, though you’re sure that’s one of the many techniques she chose from. Interrogation or not though, she would be watching you like a hawk the entire meal to make sure you were actually doing as well as you were claiming.

It wasn’t long before you were standing outside Natasha’s favorite Italian restaurant. She always recommended meeting up here purely because of the breadsticks. She swore they were the best in New York and ate at least three full baskets by herself each visit. You paused before entering, suddenly nervous about how it would go. There’s nothing to worry about, Natasha isn’t going to bring him up and isn’t going to push me past my boundaries. You weren’t quite as convinced as you would have liked to be, but you couldn’t delay it any longer as you stepped inside.

A blast of warm air surrounded you as you were greeted by the hostess. It didn’t take for her to lead you back to where Natasha was sitting, a glass of wine already in her hand. A second sat waiting on the table for you.

You walked over, bending down to give her a side hug and a peck on the cheek.

“You’re late,” she said reproachfully, eyes zeroed in on yours.

“I know, I’m sorry. My session went a little over today.” You pulled out your chair and sat down before continuing, “How are you? It’s good to see you.”

Natasha smiled brightly. “I’ve been good. I’ve been really looking forward to this, I was so happy when you said yes. It feels like it’s been years since I’ve seen you.” You grinned slightly and she continued. “I’m sorry that it’s been so long since we’ve had a chance to catch up. Work has been keeping me even busier than usual. Stark has been working on all sorts of new tech developments and has somehow recruited me for testing.”

You nodded as you took a sip of your wine, “Nothing he’s made has killed you yet. That’s impressive.”

She snorted, “He’s lucky I didn’t flat out say no. His last update to the Falcon wings sent Wilson through the ceiling and landed him in the medbay for three days with a concussion.” Natasha noticed the look of concern on your face and waved her hand as she sipped on her wine. “He’s fine, don’t worry. All of the Avengers men have skulls harder than concrete.” The two of you burst into laughter at the thought.

A waiter arrived as your laughter died down to take your orders and to refill Natasha’s wine glass. You both thanked him as he turned to walk away. A quiet settled over the table and Natasha’s gaze landed firmly on you.

“So how have you been?” she asked softly, voice far gentler than anyone would expect from a former assassin. You shrugged and avoided eye contact.

“Some days are better than others,” you said, “Overall things are better than they’ve been for a while now though. My shrink has me on some new meds that seem to be helping and I’ve been working harder on doing little things to take care of myself every day, not just the good days.”

Natasha nodded, eyes still fixed on you. Slowly, she reached a hand out across the table and placed it on top of yours. “You know I’m always here for you, right? You can call me any time of day and as long as I’m not on a mission, I can be at your apartment within the hour.”

You felt a lump form in your throat at her words. You nodded quickly, eyes blinking fast to try and keep the tears that were welling up from falling. She gave your hand a quick squeeze before pulling back.

“Now where the hell are our breadsticks? This is going to be a failed meal if I have less than twelve in me before the main dish arrives.” Her words made you burst out laughing once again and succeeded in putting a smile on your face for the remainder of the meal.

***

“Are you sure I can’t drive you back to your apartment?” Natasha asked, wrapping her scarf around her neck as the two of you stepped out of the restaurant. You nodded at her and smiled.

“I enjoy walking, it clears my mind,” you said. She let out a disapproving hum but didn’t argue further. She pulled you into a bone-crushing hug before turning and walking towards where her car was parked. You watched as she stepped in and waved as she pulled out of the parking lot. You stood and watched until her car was out of sight before turning to start the walk home.

As it was on the walk to the restaurant, the busy streets provided the perfect background noise needed for you to quiet your mind. You focused on your breathing, allowing yourself to try and channel any residual nervous energy outward. With each breath, the faces passing by began to blur. Neon signs hanging in the windows of the shops you passed by became nothing more than a gentle glow in your peripheral. With each step you took, the background seamlessly blended together more and your focus on yourself heightened. A sense of calm settled itself in your chest. The feeling grew stronger with each block you passed until a small smile made its way onto your face. That feeling ended abruptly as you turned around the next block.

There was a large crowd waiting at the bus stop, but your eyes focused on one man. You stared at his silhouette, panic building with each second. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of you and your feet had magically turned into cinder blocks. Is that...? No, it couldn’t be…

Almost as if he heard your thoughts, the man turned slightly so you could see his face, and a sigh of relief left you. You stood there a moment longer to examine his side profile. It wasn’t him; he just happened to look like him. He was about the same height and weight, with similar chocolate waves. Your eyes landed on his light brown leather jacket and a lump formed in your throat. He had worn a similar jacket the day you met. It felt like being thrown back in time as you continued to stare at the man in front of you.

Natasha drug you through a hallway, not caring about your protests to slow down. “I have someone I want you to meet.” She smirked as she spoke, leaving you to wonder what she was plotting.

A group of choices greeted the two of you as you entered the room. You waved at Steve and Sharon sitting on the couch as Natasha continued to pull you across the room to where two men were standing. One of the men was Sam, whom you had met the last time Natasha brought you to the compound. The other was Bucky Barnes. You hadn’t met him before but you knew who he was. It was impossible not to given how public everything about Hydra had become.

“Barnes, I have someone I’d like you to meet,” Natasha said, turning slightly towards you.

Bucky turned to look at you, offering a charming smile as he held out his hand. “Nice to meet you, ma’am. I’m Bucky.”

You shook his hand and introduced yourself, hoping to god you didn’t look as flustered as you felt. The pictures of him floating around on the news did not do him justice. Bucky was absolutely breathtaking. His smile lit up his eyes in a way no camera could ever hope to capture. His hair was cropped just above his shoulders, falling into a beautiful wavy pattern. You realized you were staring and felt your face get hot.

“Uh, I like your jacket,” you mumbled, hoping he hadn’t realized you were staring. The leather jacket was a beautiful light brown. It looked old, but well loved at the same time.

He smiled widely at you, “Thanks! Leather jackets are kind of my thing. Sam here thinks I have too many but there’s no such thing as too many leather jackets, wouldn’t you agree?”

As the memory floated away, you couldn’t help but think how Bucky probably would’ve gone up to the man to ask about his jacket. You chuckled at the thought. As soon as he walked away, he would’ve immediately started looking up where he could find one for his own closet. It didn’t matter how many leather jackets he had. He always wanted more.

The chuckle died on your lips and was replaced by an uncomfortable knot settling in your stomach. A heavy weight fell on your chest and you forced yourself to find the energy to trudge forward.

The remainder of the walk was a blur, but not in the same way it had been before. This wasn’t the good kind of blur that helped you to focus. It was the kind that left you feeling suffocated and as if everything would come crashing down all at once. That had been the first happy thought about Bucky since the two of you broke up. His presence in your thoughts was so strong, he might as well have been walking right next to you. You could practically feel his knuckles brushing against yours with each step you took. If you closed your eyes, you swore you could smell his cologne.

The harsh reality of how alone you were hit you as the greeting from your apartment’s doorman pulled you from your thoughts. You shot him a small smile before rushing inside and all but sprinting up the stairs. Your hands shook as you unlocked the door to your apartment, though you couldn't tell if it was from your thoughts of Bucky or from the sudden burst of energy that left you slightly winded.

Once inside, you rushed to your bedroom and changed into the first sports bra and pair of leggings you saw. You needed to get Bucky off your mind and the only way you knew how was to run. It was going to be a long run tonight.

The doorman waved at you again as you exited the building, surprised to see you again so soon. “Someone is feeling motivated today I see,” he joked. You shrugged and slowly began to jog.

***

It took a while to get into your groove, but once you were there you felt good. The movement helped settle the anxious energy that had been building since you had seen the man at the bus stop, while the steady breathing brought your focus back to the here and now just like it had before. That’s something else to mention if she asks about my runs again, you thought. These runs bring my focus to this exact moment in time.

That thought was lost as you passed a small, hole in the wall theater. Small groups were exiting the building, each talking excitedly amongst themselves about the movie that had just finished. The nauseous feeling from earlier came back as memories resurfaced. That was Bucky’s favorite movie theater. Every Sunday they played movies from the 1920s and 1930s. He used to drag you along with him whenever he saw one he remembered from his childhood. Each time he swore up and down that you were about to experience a cinematic masterpiece like no other and that it would change the way you looked at movies. You always rolled your eyes as he said it, but the magic you felt in that theater with him was like no other.

Movies made back then were so different from the movies made now. The characters felt so much more real. They were allowed to be people. Their faults and flaws didn’t take away from the good things about them. These films never failed to make you feel all of the emotions you were meant to feel and each time you exited the theater, you couldn’t help but wish you could’ve remained in that little bubble just a few minutes longer. Those bittersweet feelings about the ending never lasted long though, as Bucky would wrap his arm around your shoulder and proceed to talk your ear off about the movie until you made it home.

“You know Doll, the greatest films of all time were never made,” he said, smiling down at you.

You just laughed and shook your head.“Bucky that makes absolutely no sense.”

Bucky rolled his eyes dramatically, making you laugh again. “Think about it though, how many movies haven’t been made because someone decided they weren’t good enough for the big screen? How many stories have been brought into existence but never been told to another living soul?”

A car horn brought you back into reality. Bitterness crept into your chest as you processed the memory that had just played out picture-perfect in your mind. Those afternoons with him in the theater had been some of the best afternoons of your life. Even if you weren’t crazy about the movie, Bucky’s sheer excitement about it was enough to convince you of how wonderful it truly was. If only he had felt that same amount of joy in other areas of your relationship.

Your bitterness slowly began to turn to anger as you thought about the last few months of being with Bucky. Sunday matinees had stopped being a regular thing as Bucky’s work schedule picked up until they stopped happening entirely. His new position training new SHIELD agents and prospective new members to the Avenger ate away at his time. All of his time. It got to the point Bucky never stopped working. Even at home, his thoughts were on paperwork to be filed, training to be planned, or meetings to be run. You’d be sitting on the couch next to him trying to talk only to receive disinterested “hmms” or the occasional “That’s nice honey.”

You tried bringing it up to no avail. He always brushed it off and said things would calm down eventually and that he just needed you to hold out a bit longer. He never outright said his work was more important to him but the implication was there and you felt the weight of it every single day. You bit your tongue and played along for a while, but after several months of hearing the same excuses, you finally snapped. Unfortunately, so did Bucky.

“All you ever do is work. I can’t remember the last time we went and did something together. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time you cared enough to even ask me about my day. It’s like you don’t even want me around anymore,” you hissed, glaring at Bucky.

“Excuse me for caring about my fucking job. One of us has to if we’re going to continue affording this place,” he scoffed.

Ice filled your veins as you stared at him, fist clenched at your side. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on, we both know you’re barely getting your work done on time. You lay here on the couch all day watching TV. You’re lucky you’re allowed to work from home because you look like a walking disaster half the time. You’ve stopped wearing clean clothes, you hardly shower, you hardly eat, and you hardly sleep. Face it, you’re depressed.” His voice was flat as he spoke.

You furiously blinked back tears that were trying to well up as you processed his words. “First of all, I am not depressed,” you muttered, “Second, if I’m such a walking disaster then what are you even still doing here?”

“I am still here because I care about you. I have lost track of how many times I have asked you to get help. I’ve been where you are, I know what you’re going through and I know what it takes to come back from it. If you never bleed, you’re never going to grow. If you can’t move past this, then we -” he paused to motion between the two of you “- can’t move past this.” His eyes never left yours as he spoke. There was no malice in them, but there was also none of the kindness or warmth you wished for. His gaze just felt indifferent.

You remained silent as you tried to find words. Bucky continued watching you, waiting expectantly for a response. A response never came, however, and he let out a loud sigh.

“If you don’t have anything to say to that, then I think we’re done here. I can’t keep doing this anymore. I love you, but neither of us is happy. I can’t give you what you want and you can’t give me what I need,” Without another word, Bucky grabbed his coat and walked out the front door of the apartment.

That was the last time that you saw Bucky. He had sent you a text a few days later asking when a good time to come pick up his stuff would be. You responded begrudgingly, telling yourself that the sooner his stuff was gone the sooner your life could get back to normal. When the day came, you forced yourself to get out of the apartment. The thought of seeing him after what went down between you left you seeing red. When you finally went back after he left, you felt none of the happy emotions you had convinced yourself you would feel.

Instead, you felt the empty spots in the room. Every missing item you noticed felt like a blow to the stomach and caused fresh tears to well up in your eyes. Pictures were no longer hanging from the walls; random gaps were in the bookshelves; his leather jacket was no longer slung across the back of the chair he loved in the living room. You stumbled back to your room with your eyes closed, refusing to see what other memories had been ripped from their rightful homes. Once there, you collapsed on the bed and laid there for two days. It wasn’t until Natasha broke into your apartment to check on you after countless missed calls and ignored texts that you finally moved from that spot.

For the millionth time that day, your stomach twisted as thoughts of Bucky floated around in your head. Despite it all, you regretted not being there when he came to get his things. There was never a proper goodbye between you and the thought drove you mad sometimes. Maybe if I had been there, we could’ve worked this out. You scoffed at the thought, but couldn’t deny the heaviness lingering in your chest.

At times you considered reaching out to him, wondering if he would be willing to give you the closure you so desperately needed. Even if it was just over text, it might be better than the nothing you currently had. You still had his number. The two of you even still followed each other on social media. He liked what few posts you made, but you had never been able to bring yourself to look at the stuff he posted. The lines of communication were there, you just had to use them. But communication is a two-way street; if he wanted to talk to you, he’d reach out. Right? That thought had kept you from texting him more times than you could possibly count.

Questions about what could have happened that day swirled throughout your head as your feet pounded against the pavement. Could you have fixed things, or would it still have ended in breaking up? Could you have agreed to still be friends? Would you have at least been able to say goodbye, or would he have walked silently out the door again?

The thoughts continued to plague you until the ache in your legs was too strong to take another step. Out of breath, you looked around at where you stopped trying to figure out how far you had run. It wasn’t until you noticed the fountain about a dozen feet behind you that you realized where you were.

Tony had once rented out a plaza nearby for a 1920s themed fundraiser gala the first year you and Bucky were dating. The gala was the first public event you ever attended with him, though it certainly hadn’t been your last. Natasha had taken you shopping and helped you find a flapper-style dress leading up to it. The two of you did your hair and makeup together, giggling about how you felt like you were getting ready for a high school dance. When you stepped out of the room with Natasha, Bucky wasn’t able to speak. He spent the whole night staring at you like a lovestruck teenager, only to turn bright red whenever someone mentioned it.

Towards the end of the night, you and Bucky had drunkenly stumbled out of the plaza to escape the crowd and found your way over to this fountain. Rather, you had stumbled out drunkenly. Bucky wasn’t affected by human alcohol and hardly had any of the Asgardian mead Thor had so generously brought. While he was a little more cheery than usual, he wasn’t intoxicated enough to even pretend like he was tipsy.

A giggle left your lips as you stumbled forward. “Bucky, I need to find somewhere to sit down. I need to take off my heels.”

Bucky laughed at you and picked you up, carrying you bridal style. He spun around slowly as he searched for somewhere he could set you down. His eyes eventually settled on the fountain and began walking towards it. He carefully set you down before sitting down next to you. His eyes were fixed on you as you took off your shoes, a sigh of relief leaving your mouth as you did. You smiled over at him, before turning around to stare at the fountain in wonder. A giggle left your lips as you pulled up your dress and began walking around in the fountain.

You laughed any time you went through a jet of water. The temperature difference was soothing against your skin and almost left a tickling sensation as you passed. Eventually, you arrived back at where he was sitting and the smile on his face filled your stomach with butterflies. You bent down slightly to press your lips against his, your hands making their way through his hair. His hands landed on your hips and pulled you closer to him. You felt dizzy as he held you, though you weren’t sure if it was him or the glasses of champagne. You pulled away abruptly as an idea struck you, leading to Bucky’s eyes opening in confusion. His gaze fell upon the mischievous look you wore and he opened his mouth to speak. Before he managed to make a sound, your hands left his hair and were reaching down to splash water onto him.

He tried to catch your hands to stop you, but you stepped back just out of reach, but not far enough you couldn’t keep splashing him. Without a word, he reached down to take off his shoes and socks. A gasp left you as he stepped into the fountain and you rushed to hide behind the fountain’s centerpiece. He chased after you, hands eventually catching your waist and spinning you around to face him. He stared down at you, wonder and adoration written on his face. He slowly leaned forward to press his lips against yours.

The dizzy feeling from before came back, though this time you could say with absolute certainty it was because of the man standing in front of you. His lips were so soft against yours, yet still carried such a force they left you breathless. Fireworks had nothing on how he made you feel. No words could ever hope to describe the love and adoration bursting in your chest.

This time, he was the one to pull back first. He moved his lips up slightly, pressing a kiss to your nose and your forehead before leaning his head against yours. “Would you like to dance?”

You nodded and the two of you began to slow dance in the fountain. You don’t know how long you were in the fountain dancing; it felt like eternity paused to give you and your love all the time the universe had to give so you could enjoy this moment a little longer. The only sensations tying you to reality were Bucky’s warmth and the cool water moving at your feet as Bucky spun you around. You pulled away slightly and smiled at him. “We should make a wish,” you said.

Bucky looked at you with confusion. “A wish?”

You nodded, a small smile filling your face, “You know, toss some coins into the fountain and make a wish as we do.”

The laugh that left his lips made your heart flutter. “I don’t think this is a wishing-well. Although -” he paused to laugh again, “-I hardly think they meant for anyone to dance around in it either, so why not.” One of his hands left yours and reached into his pocket, looking for his wallet. He opened it and pulled out two pennies and handed one to you. “It looks like we only get one wish each tonight, so we’d better make it a good one.”

You stared down at the penny in your hand, wondering what wish could possibly be better than the night you were currently having with Bucky. The wish hit you suddenly, a smile breaking out on your face. You pressed your lips to the penny and wished with all your might, ‘I wish for us to have more moments like this together, from now through the rest of our days”. You opened your eyes and tossed the penny outward. Bucky’s coin was soon nestled safely at the bottom of the fountain with yours.

“What did you wish for?” he asked, pulling you back into his arms to continue dancing.

“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” you teased, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek as he spun you. “And let me tell you, I really want this wish to come true.”

Bucky chuckled, “Me too honey, me too.”

Your eyes came back into focus and a quiet sob left you. You stood in front of the fountain and cried into your hands, cursing all of the emotions you felt. That night had left you convinced that Bucky Barnes was the one. You had fallen asleep dreaming of dancing like that with him at your wedding. But now? Now all you wanted to do was scream. You wanted to scream at him, at yourself, and at the universe for being cruel enough to lead you back to this fountain without him at your side.

As the tears began to slow, a new kind of weight settled in your chest. He really could have been the one. He could have been everything you dreamed of and more, but there was nothing you could do to go back in time to change things. He decided to walk out that door and leave you with nothing more than an empty space in your heart, one to match the empty spaces he left in your apartment.

The questions the therapist had asked you started ringing through your ears as you continued to stare blankly at the fountain. What about the ‘after’? Maybe she had a point bringing it up today. You were still stuck in the ‘before’. Maybe it was finally time to start moving on. Missing items could be replaced; missing love could be given by someone else. All you had to do was make the decision to take your first steps into the ‘after’.

Your feet remained glued in place as you tried to make sense of it all.

You were confused as to where you were. Looking around, nothing seemed familiar. It wasn’t until a familiar silhouette caught your attention that you realized where you were. Bucky stood at the top of the mountain, staring down at the canyon below. Green trees and bushes lined the ground and the air was filled with the sound of birds chirping. The view was beautiful, but you couldn’t stop staring at Bucky. He looked the same, yet something felt different. Bucky seemed calmer than you had seen him in years, almost as if all of his stress had faded away. His body language was relaxed and he seemed to be in no rush to leave where he was.

Suddenly, the once green mountain top was now covered in a blanket of snow. Bucky was now wearing a thick winter coat and was strapping his feet onto a snowboard. He soon had his helmet and goggles on and began his descent down the mountain. It felt like you were flying along with him as you watched him expertly weave his way through the trees. The ease at which he moved confused you. Since when did Bucky know how to snowboard? He expressed wanting to try but never had while you were together. Confusion clouded your mind until Bucky reached the bottom of the mountain and came to a halt. He removed his helmet and a look of pure exhilaration filled his face. His excitement made your heart burst. As you reached out to try and touch him, the scene changed once again.

This time you were in the middle of the ocean. The vast expanse of blue was the only visible thing in sight other than Bucky. He was in full scuba gear, just floating there waiting. He was so still that if it weren't for the stream of bubbles that came with each exhale, you wouldn’t have been able to tell if he was breathing. Out of nowhere, a shape appeared in the distance. As it got closer, you felt your stomach drop. A large shark swam slowly towards Bucky. You rolled your eyes at the realization. Of course, he would go swimming with sharks with no safety cage. That idiot had no respect for your nerves or your -

You were woken up abruptly by the sound of your phone ringing. You groaned and cursed yourself for it somehow not being on silent. In your confused state, you reached out and slowly felt around on the top of your nightstand trying to find your phone. Once you found it, you tilted the screen so you could see who was calling. A beautiful picture of Natasha filled your screen and you sighed. Only Natasha could call randomly and happen to wake you up from a dream about Bucky. You pressed the answer button and begrudgingly brought the phone to your ear.

“Morning, you better have a good reason for waking me up,” you mumbled, letting out a yawn as you finished speaking.

“It’s past noon, you know. Most decent people are already up by now,” You could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke.

“Shut up. It’s still morning if I haven’t gotten out of bed yet. What do you want? I was having a nice dream.”

Your gruff response got a laugh from Natasha. “Well I was calling to see how your Tinder date went last night, but now I’m wondering if I should be asking what you were dreaming about that has you being this testy,” she teased.

You rubbed your eyes and groaned, “The dream was nothing special, I’m just mad you woke me up. The Tinder date was also nothing to write home about. The guy was awful. He started off super charming like they always do, but he got snappy with our waitress and then tried to get snappy with me when I called him out on it. I paid for my half of the bill and left as quickly as I could.”

“Ugh, gross. Men are actually the worst,” Natasha said. You hummed in agreement and she continued, “So are you ready for me to start setting you up, or are you going to keep giving these Tinder people a try?”

You sighed and paused for a moment to think. “Nat, I know you’re trying to help but the only people you have that you can set me up with are all SHIELD employees. I don’t see it ending well if I go down that path given my prior dating history.”

A scoff came through the phone. “He’s dating again too, so he has no right to be pissy about anything if that’s what you’re worried about. Besides, he was also the one who ended it so he doubly has no right to be upset.”

You sat up straight as she spoke, your stomach dropping at the thought. “He’s dating again?” Your voice sounded small, smaller than it had in ages.

This time it was Natasha’s turn to pause before responding. “Yes. He’s taken a few of the receptionists here out on coffee dates, but nothing seems to be sticking. If Wilson is to be believed, he’s also on Tinder. I can’t imagine that’s working out very well for him either though.”

You felt nauseous, but you forced yourself to pause to recenter your thoughts. Of course he would be dating again. It’s been almost a year since you broke up. If you’re dating again, it only makes sense that he is as well. He deserves to be happy too. A heavy sigh left you, “Well, I hope he’s having better luck than I am.”

***

You were on the phone with Natasha for another twenty minutes before she had to go. It felt nice catching up with her, and the two of you made plans for another lunch get together later in the week. The conversation had quickly transitioned away from dating, but the fact Bucky was dating again lingered in the back of your mind for the entirety of the call.

You had been on Tinder for a while now, but somehow it never occurred to you that he might be too. How does a superhero just casually join the worst dating app in existence? Do people actually believe it’s him when they come across his profile? You couldn’t help but snort at the thought. Conversations on dating apps sucked enough as it is, but having to try and prove you’re who you say you are the way Bucky must have to certainly would make it that much less enjoyable.

Almost as if it knew you were thinking about it, a Tinder notification popped up on your lock screen. You opened up the app and saw two new messages from someone you had matched with. You typed out a response and then proceeded to scroll through the list of other potential matches. Most of the profiles you looked at were immediate no’s, but there were a few you swiped right on. It never ceased to amaze you how bad the men on this app were at smiling in pictures. Most of them had only a slight grin in one or two pictures. Any profile with a man properly smiling almost always got a swipe right. The only other type of picture that had that sort of response was for cute cats and dogs.

You continued to swipe, pausing occasionally to respond to a message. Out of nowhere, a familiar pair of blue eyes started staring up at you, causing you to nearly drop your phone in surprise. Of course the day you find out Bucky is on Tinder is the day you come across his profile. You quickly took a screenshot before swiping left and exiting out of the app. You sent the screenshot to Natasha. She responded almost immediately, Guess Wilson was telling the truth 🙄

You laughed at her response as you got out of bed, ready to finally start your day.

***

A sigh of relief left you as you collapsed on your couch after spending most of the afternoon running errands. It hadn’t been anything too bad, but that didn’t stop you from being thankful it was over. You laid there for a few minutes, just enjoying the stillness and the comfort of being on your couch. Once settled, you reached over to the coffee table and grabbed the glass of wine you had poured, and opened up your phone.

You opened up Snapchat and responded to the few snaps you had from Natasha and other friends before opening up Instagram. You mindlessly watched people’s stories, skipping through any of the ones that didn’t interest you. You paused however on Bucky’s.

He was standing next to a beautiful woman, each of them holding a painting in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Both of them had smiles that filled their faces. You stared at the picture, unsure of what you should be feeling. On one hand, it was nice seeing him so relaxed and happy. His posture reminded you eerily of how he looked in your dream. On the other hand, you couldn’t help but feel a touch of bitterness. You had practically begged him to go with you to a wine and paint night while you were together. He always used work as an excuse, either he was too tired from work or he had too much work left to do. You stared at the picture for a minute longer, wondering if they’d be going home together or parting ways for the night. You sighed, shaking your head at your own stupidity before continuing to scroll.

The wind blew violently around you as you struggled to make your way up the street. The weather turned unexpectedly as you were out on your run, so you rushed towards the closest coffee shop hoping to wait out the weather and avoid having to pay for a cab back home. The barista greeted you as you stepped inside and you offered her a smile.

“What can I get for you?” she asked.

You stared up at the menu, considering your options. “One large hazelnut latte and a cinnamon roll, please.”

She entered everything into the computer and you held out your card for her. Once your payment was processed, you turned to find a seat. The coffee shop was crowded, no doubt due to the bad weather driving people indoors. You looked around unsuccessfully and had almost resigned yourself to standing when a familiar voice called out.

You jumped at the sound. You turned around and made eye contact with Bucky Barnes for the first time since he walked out your front door. He was sitting there grinning ear to ear, almost as if he was genuinely happy to see you. The thought made your heart burst and it was impossible to hold back an equally big smile.

“Hey Bucky, how’s it going?”

“It’s going really well! Thanks for asking,” he paused and looked around before continuing, “Do you want to sit down? There’s not a lot of seating left and it’s just me here.” His hand gestured towards the empty seat across from him as he spoke.

You paused, unsure of if you should take it or continue to look elsewhere. You looked around the room for an empty seat but didn’t see any. Well, I guess we’re doing this. You stepped forward and mumbled out a thanks as you sat down.

“I’m kind of surprised to see you here if I’m honest. I didn’t think you came to this part of the city very often,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“I generally don’t. The weather took a bit of a nasty turn while I was out on my run. I stepped in hoping that by the time I’m ready to leave it’ll have calmed down.”

Another smile broke out across his face as you spoke. “You’re running again? That’s awesome.” He sounded sincere as he spoke which made you smile back.

You nodded, but before you could respond the barista arrived with your coffee and cinnamon roll. You thanked her and took a long sip of your coffee, enjoying the warmth you felt as you did. An awkward silence filled the air as both of you tried to size the other up. You decided to break the silence.

“So, what’s new with you?”

***

An hour later, the two of you were still chatting away happily at the table. Once the conversation started, it didn’t stop. Everything felt like it had at the start of your relationship: easy, comfortable, and filled with excitement. The only pauses that occurred were when the barista refilled both of your coffees and brought Bucky a cinnamon roll, which he ordered after you spent five minutes going on about how incredible it was.

One of the things you had forgotten about being around Bucky was the warmth he exuded. Even on his worst days, he had the unwavering ability to make the room feel safe. You couldn’t ever quite pin down whether it had to do with his cologne being a comforting smell or if that’s just who he was. All you knew is that he always left you aching to lean into his chest and stay there until you absolutely couldn’t. Needless to say, today it left you feeling quite confused given everything that had happened between you.

The thoughts you had several months ago about getting closure were brought back to the forefront of your mind. How had things gotten so bad between you? How had both of you let this wonderful thing fall to pieces without even one final attempt at holding it together? Each little pause in the conversation as you transitioned between topics left you aching to ask all of the questions you had. Everything was so easy and so smooth between you today that you almost felt hope that things were salvageable between you. Maybe, just maybe, your fountain wish could still come true. As you were finally working up the courage to ask, his next sentence knocked all other thoughts out of your head.

“Did you hear that Steve and Sharon are finally engaged? Took that meathead long enough to ask.”

A gasp left your mouth, “No way! It’s about freaking time. Have they picked a date yet?”

He nodded. “First weekend in June. Sharon’s already picked their wedding colors too; sage green and rose gold. She explicitly said she picked rose gold because she wants to serve that rosé champagne you introduced her to. It’s still her favorite to this day.”

A bittersweet smile made its way onto your face as you thought about what he said. You had brought two bottles of that sparking rosé to a dinner Sharon hosted once, back when she and Steve were still circling around their feelings for each other. Sharon had barely taken her first sip before asking you for details on where you bought it. Ever since, Sharon always had a bottle in her fridge. Her friendship was the one you missed the most after the breakup. There had been a few half-hearted attempts from both of you to reach out, but each time her responses felt forced. Eventually you stopped trying.

“Well, I’m sure it’ll be a beautiful wedding. They deserve it,” you said. A chuckle left your lips as a new thought entered your head. “How on Earth is Steve going to choose between you and Sam for best man?”

Bucky joined in on your laughter, making your stomach do summersault after summersault. “Sam and I were actually wondering the same thing, but apparently they’ve decided to not do a bridal party. That makes things easy for me though. I get to kick back and enjoy the wedding knowing I have no responsibilities.”

The idea of Bucky having a blast at a wedding made you smile. The smile faded slightly as you realized this meant Bucky was now going to need a date for this wedding. Images of him in a fancy suit, twirling another woman around the way he had in the fountain with you flashed before your eyes. You felt your heart breaking all over again at the thought of how it could’ve been you if you hadn’t fucked it all up. How stupid could you have been thinking the two of you could talk things out after all this time. He’s probably already planning on asking that girl from the wine and paint night to go with him. She had appeared on his social media several times since that night and each time it made your chest ache a little more. Bucky’s voice broke you from your thoughts.

“Hey, you okay?”

You swallowed thickly and nodded. You tried smiling but felt yourself falter and knew he noticed it too. “Yeah, just caught up in my thoughts.” You needed to get out of here and fast. Conveniently, your phone screen lit up and you were able to fake gasp at the time. “Oh my god, look how late it is. I really should get going.”

Bucky stared at you, unsure of how to respond to the sudden change in the atmosphere. You stood and rushed to collect your things.

“It was really nice seeing you again Bucky,” you said, offering him a half-smile as you take your first steps away from the table. He nodded, still looking unconvinced.

“It really was. Maybe we could do this again sometime?” He asked, trying his hardest to keep too much optimism from creeping into his voice.

Your eyes went wide with surprise, but you slowly nodded. “Yeah, maybe.”

The same awkward silence from before filled the air, only this time neither of you seemed to know how to break it. You offered a small wave and made your way out the door, refusing to turn around and hug him despite how strongly your body was screaming at you to do so.

Bucky stood there staring after you until you were out of sight. A sigh left him after you rounded a corner and he began to collect his things.

***

Bucky had made his way back to the Avengers compound with relative ease, though his mind was still stuck back at the coffee shop with you. He had nearly choked on his coffee when he saw you walk in and hardly realized what he was doing when he called out to you. His mind had started screaming at him from the second he offered you a seat and apparently had yet to find a good enough reason to stop. Talking to you had been magical. He had forgotten how well the two of you meshed once a conversation was started. Nobody else had ever been able to keep up with his constant jumping between topics, not even Sam and Steve. You never made him feel bad for his quick transitions; you just understood and accepted that was the way his mind worked. Even after all that time, you took it all in stride.

An unexpected slam of a cabinet door caught his attention as he made his way through the communal kitchen. Sam was standing there, unloading dishes from the dishwasher. Bucky greeted the man with a gentle nod of the head as he pulled out one of the barstools to sit.

“That was a long coffee shop visit, you run into a cute girl there?” Sam teased, smirk playing across his face.

“I ran into her.”

Sam’s motions paused as he processed Bucky’s words. He looked up at his friend, who was conveniently not meeting his gaze, unsure of how to respond. “Her as in…?”

Bucky nodded and Sam let out a slow puff of air. “How are you feeling?” Sam asked cautiously.

It took a few minutes for Bucky to find the words. “You know Sammy, I actually don’t know. There are too many contradictory feelings in my head to pinpoint just one.” He finally looked up and met Sam’s eyes.

Sam motioned for him to continue.

“It was so nice to see her again and talk to her. It made me feel like things were back when we were both still head over heels in love with each other. She’s doing so well. She’s made huge progress mentally, she’s been given a promotion at work, she’s just out there living her life. It made me so happy to see...

“But the happier I got sitting there talking to her, the angrier I got with myself for being such an ass while I was with her. Who has a woman like that in their life and chooses to ignore her for work? What kind of jerk does that?” He paused for a moment, staring down at his feet before continuing.

“There was a moment where she looked at me and I looked at her and I just knew we were both wondering where the hell we went so wrong. She looked like she wanted to say something so badly, but decided against it and just...got up and left. I kinda deserved it though-” he let out a dark chuckle, “- it’s what I did to her after all.”

Sam had continued unloading the dishes as Bucky spoke, trying to keep things casual while he got everything off his chest. Once Sam knew Bucky was done, he paused and rested both hands on the counter to give his friend his full attention.

“Yeah, you were an ass who put work first. She was a great girl who loved you unconditionally. You let her down and yourself down too. But she also had her issues that contributed to what happened. It’s not all on you.” Sam shot a reassuring smile at Bucky.

Bucky nodded, knowing Sam was right. He couldn’t help but sigh and put his head in his hands though as more thoughts swirled around in his head. “I can’t help but think about how my actions probably worsened things for her though, you know? She was depressed for a while before I started acting that way, but I certainly didn’t help the situation. And just...I walked out on her. I walked out and didn’t even give her a proper goodbye.”

Sam stood still and nodded along. “You did, but what you’re forgetting is that you also did because it was also the best thing for you at the time. Both of you were unhappy with who the other was becoming at that time. Sometimes breaking up is the best route to take and they don’t always end with a clear-cut goodbye. You guys may have missed out on some closure, but if today went as well as you said it did, maybe you’ve got a different kind of closure coming down the pipe.”

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked up at his friend. “What do you mean?”

Sam rolled his eyes and laughed softly, “Man, what did your dumb ass do with girls before I came along?” He continued laughing for a moment before resuming, “What I’m getting at is that if today went as well as you think before the awkward ending, what if there’s a possibility of reconciling? Even if it’s not in a romantic sense, you could always try and be friends.”

For a moment, Bucky’s heart surged. Maybe Sam was right, maybe things could be fixed. He knew things were going well before you got up to leave, maybe he could try and make things right.

Then, the memory of how uneasy and uncomfortable you looked at the end of the conversation replayed in his mind. He felt his throat tighten and tears well up in his eyes. You didn’t want him back. He had his chance today and he blew it.

He shook his head slowly and whispered, “I don’t think that’s going to happen, Sammy.”

***

Sam eventually let the topic drop and Bucky was free to make his way back to his rooms. A familiar meow rang out from across the room and was soon followed by the sound of excited footsteps rushing towards him. Alpine rubbed himself against Bucky’s legs, meowing expectantly. He chuckled and crouched down to rub Alpine’s ears.

“Hey there buddy, did you miss me?”

Alpine meowed, almost as if to say yes. Bucky smiled and picked up the cat before standing up. He made his way to his bedroom and let Alpine jump down onto the bed once they were close enough. His boots were kicked off haphazardly at the foot of the bed before he climbed into bed. Alpine came and curled up under one of his arms, purring slightly as he did. A sigh left him as he mindlessly pet the cat and adjusted his position until he was comfortable.

Bucky’s thoughts turned back to you almost immediately. His heart ached as he began to relive the night he knew he had fallen in love with you. How he wished he could go back in time and experience it all over again.

“So, Stark is holding a fundraiser in about three weeks. I was wondering if you’d like to come with me?” Bucky asked.

The smile on your face made his heart flutter. “Of course! What’s the dress code?” you asked. “I’m not sure if I have anything fancy enough to wear to a Stark gala.”

“It’s a 1920s theme. I’m not entirely sure what he means by that though, considering I was barely old enough to remember the first half of the decade.”

A teasing smile broke out across your face as he spoke. “So what you're telling me is the oldest man in the room somehow still isn’t old enough to remember the roaring twenties? Tsk tsk,” Your teasing tone made him laugh and lean over to kiss you.

“I’ll have you know young lady -” he paused to place kisses all over your face “- this is a completely unacceptable thing to say. Don’t you know you should respect your elders?” You continued to giggle as he continued to kiss you.

***

On the day of the gala, you were whisked away early in the day by Natasha. She claimed the whole day was needed to properly prepare, which left Bucky standing there rolling his eyes. But when you finally stepped out of the elevator into the lobby of the compound, Bucky felt his heart stop. You looked ethereal. The flapper style dress you were wearing fit you perfectly, your hair was elegantly framing your face, and your lips were painted the most perfect shade of red he had ever seen. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you the entire night.

By the end of the night, the champagne finally had gone to your head and you were desperate to leave. You grabbed his hand giggling, rushing as quickly as you could out of the reserved plaza. You stumbled a few times over the uneven cobblestones, so he kept a hand on your waist just in case.

“Bucky, I need to find somewhere to sit down. I need to take off my heels.” you giggled as you spoke, making his heart flutter for the millionth time that night. Without a word, he picked you up bridal style and slowly spun around as he searched for somewhere you could sit.

His eyes landed on a large fountain a short distance away and he began walking towards it. You settled comfortably into his arms, with one hand sneaking under his tux jacket and gripping gently onto his shirt just over his heart. Bucky wondered if you could tell it was about ready to beat out of his chest as he leaned slightly to set you down on the fountain’s edge. He had hardly sat down next to you before your heels were kicked off. It was amazing how much more relaxed you looked just from doing that.

He was so focused on how beautiful you looked he almost didn’t hear you giggle or realize what you were about to do. His jaw dropped slightly as you stood in front of him in the fountain, dress pulled up slightly as you waded in.

Bucky’s eyes never left you as you walked around, letting out the cutest laughs with each stream of water that you walked under. When you arrived back at where he was sitting and his whole world stopped as you bent forward to press your sweet lips against his. Your hands found their way to his hair as his made their way to your hips. With every ounce of his being, he wished his hands could make their home. They belonged there, allowing him to hold you so tightly against him it was almost impossible to tell where his body stopped and yours began.

It startled him when you pulled away suddenly, but the confusion didn’t last long as he was met with a handful of water and mischievous laughter. The splashing was relentless. You refused to stop despite him begging for you to quit it. He rushed to remove his shoes and socks so he could jump into the fountain with you. The excited squeal that left your mouth as you started rushing through the water trying to escape him made him grin. He was going to catch you and you knew it. That didn’t stop you from trying to delay the inevitable though. You tried to hide behind the fountain's centerpiece and to fake which direction you were going to run. When you decided to leave the safety of the centerpiece, he had you back in his arms facing him within seconds.

As he watched your face, the overwhelming urge to confess the extent of his feelings filled his chest. He loved you. He had known for weeks now, but staring at your beautiful face reaffirmed it so deeply in his soul that it felt like an integral part of who he was now. Bucky opened his mouth to speak, but the words failed him. Instead, he leaned forward and he channeled everything he had into a kiss. He wanted this to be the kind of kiss written about in fairytales; one that leaves audiences tearing up over and longing for. He hoped you felt everything he didn’t have the courage to say tonight and the small voice in his head hoped you felt the same.

He felt you smile into the kiss, making his heart swell. He pulled away gently after a moment, staying close enough to press kisses across your face. You had told him once how special you felt when he did it; now he couldn't stop doing it. He needed you to know how special you were to him, how loved you were in his arms. When he was satisfied, he rested his forehead against yours. An idea struck him and he smiled at you, “Would you like to dance?”

You nodded and he began to lead you in a slow dance throughout the fountain. He had never felt more grateful for the dancing experience he gained in his youth and that it was a skill he somehow kept throughout the years of brainwashing and torture. The feeling of your body against his calmed his mind and kept his focus from wandering back to the past. The only thing he wanted to think about right now was how beautiful you were and how lucky he was to have you.

After a few minutes of him leading you aimlessly around the fountain, you pulled away gently and looked up at him with a smile. “We should make a wish.”

His face twisted with confusion. “A wish?”

You smiled as you nodded at him, “You know, toss some coins into the fountain and make a wish as we do.”

Bucky laughed as he thought about how much like a fairytale this night was turning into. Apparently his kiss had done the trick. “I don’t think this is a wishing-well. Although -” he chuckled again, “-I hardly think they meant for anyone to dance around in it either, so why not.”

Reluctantly, he let go of your hand and fished around in his pocket until he found his wallet. He’d never felt more relieved to see pennies in his life as he pulled out the only two coins he had. He pressed one into your hand as he leaned in to kiss your forehead. “It looks like we only get one wish each tonight, so we’d better make it a good one.”

He watched as you stared down at the penny, wondering what wish you were going to make. Your face was serious as you thought but broke out into the most beautiful smile. You stood there, coin pressed to your lips, before tossing it out into the fountain. You stared up at him expectantly, waiting for him to make his wish.

He didn’t need to stop and think about his wish. He knew what his wish was from the day he met you. Following your motions, he pressed the penny to his lips and wished, ‘I wish for a life filled with more wonderful nights like this, with this beautiful woman in my arms’. He tossed the coin in and his hand found its way back into yours.

Without a word, he pulled you back in close to him and resumed leading you around the fountain. After a few moments of peaceful silence, he spoke.

“What did you wish for?”

“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” you said, voice teasing as you pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. “And let me tell you, I really want this wish to come true.”

“Me too honey, me too.”

As the memory faded, Bucky couldn’t help but let the tears that had been building fall. That night had been so wonderful. You deserve someone who could give you nothing but nights like that, not the heartache he put you through. He closed his eyes and whispered to no one but himself, “You could’ve been the one. You should’ve been the one...”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fanfiction #marvel fanfiction

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wireddless · 3 years

Text

Codeine Scene (Five H. x Reader) [3]

Codeine Scene Masterlist

Authors Note: First off, I am SO sorry. New Years is always a slow time for me, and I did not mean to take this long to publish. Second of all, this chapter is a transition chapter into a much more fucked up story. I’m warning you now that the rest of this fic will get really really dark. I don’t recommend reading after this chapter if you can’t handle depictions of r*pe, murder, heavy drug use (cocaine, etc,) and other disturbing topics . I’m basing this story off of personal experiences, and in no way do I want someone who isn’t ready to read something like this to read this. This is like the last safe chapter, please do not read after this if you can’t handle the topics mentioned above

Summary: Klaus moves Reader up to Ben’s old room early in the morning. Afterwards, they eat breakfast and decide to trip on acid together. Five learns more about her than he expected to today

Warnings: Drug use (LSD[acid],) mentions of suicide, mentions of sex

Word Count: 3777

Taglist: @alexander-hamilhoe @dumdumsun

The gentle shaking of (Y/n)’s shoulder pulled her from her sleep. Klaus stood over her, harshly whispering her name. Looking towards his window, she could see the sky was just barely starting to light up, it was still early.

“Klaus it’s like 7:30!” She quickly grabbed the sheet that was covering her from the waist down and yanked it over her head. A small groan left Klaus’s mouth and he yanked it back off of her. “It’s Sunday!” She tried convincing him to let her sleep in, but it was no use.

“I talked to Ben and he said you could stay in his room!” Klaus wrestled with (Y/n) over the blanket, knowing she was still tired. Ever the impatient man he was, Klaus spoke again, “We gotta get you settled in right now!”

“Fine! Fine. I’m up.” (Y/n) sat up and shoved her matted hair out of her face. “Why right now?” Klaus looked at her like the answer was obvious. It wasn’t, of course.

“Because trauma can be associated with places! Coming in here right after what happened yesterday could be an issue.” He grabbed a hair brush off of his dresser and pushed her to sit on the bed. Climbing behind her, he started to brush her hair. “Even if you aren’t reminded of it in here, it’s always good to be able to have some privacy.” He made valid points.

“I guess you're right.” Klaus was extraordinarily gentle with her hair, pulling out all of the mats and even putting in the effort to put it in a low ponytail to keep it out of her face. “Thank you.” (Y/n) turned and smiled at Klaus, pulling him into a quick, tight, hug.

Ben's room was up the green stairway, across from Five’s room. (Y/n)’s face scrunched a little when she realized Five would be right across the hallway, but she didn’t complain. Her arms were a little tired from carrying her suitcase and heavier back pack up the stairs so early in the morning, but it would fade rather quickly.

Klaus opened the door and stepped aside, letting (Y/n) rush to the bed with her heavy luggage. “Dad replaced everything in this room a week after Ben died.” Klaus sat on the bed next to her luggage, and she plopped next to him. “He said old reminders would only set us back, so he made this one of many guest rooms.” Klaus peered in the closet, knowing that Ben’s academy uniforms were no longer hanging pristinely on the rack.

“He didn’t die in here, did he?” (Y/n) turned to look at Klaus, feeling heavy sympathy.

“Oh no! A mission went wrong, and I suppose we all messed up, but the monster inside his chest started tearing him apart.” Klaus’s usual, very happy energy, was replaced by a solemn, cold one. “He died in the infirmary.” Klaus looked down at the bedsheets. They weren’t the one that Ben had used. “I still talk to him every day, but it still makes me a little sad.” Klaus sniffled and rubbed his eyes.

(Y/n) pulled Klaus into a bone crushing hug, knowing he needed the comfort. “That’s terrible.” She was a very empathetic person, relying more on feeling than thinking, so she was struggling to hold back her own tears. “Are you sure he’s ok with this?”

“Yeah! He said something about moving on, and finally attempting to find peace.” Klaus clapped his hands once as he stood. “He’s kind of started meditating too, which is kind of weird, because he’s a ghost and all.” He stood and glanced around the room, getting a good look at it before (Y/n) would make it her own. “Let’s go get some breakfast after we unpack, huh?”

“That sounds nice.” (Y/n) stood and hugged Klaus again, silently letting him know that she was there for him.

The walk all the way down to the basement kitchen was unexpectedly exhausting. Six flights of stairs later, two flights between every floor, they were sitting at the table, staring at Five scrape his eggs off the skillet and onto his toast.

“I’m not making eggs for you two.” His voice was monotone and annoyed. He wasn’t a morning person. “Take some responsibility and make them yourself.” Five grabbed his food and coffee, and looked at both of them before giving his usual tight-lipped smirk and blipping away, presumably to his room.

Klaus released a few small giggles he was holding in and hopped off the island. “He always seems to add a little spice to life.”

As he was making his way over to the fridge to grab some eggs, (Y/n) asked; “Is he like this every morning?” Not wasting a second after her question, Klaus replied.

“Yep!” He pulled out four eggs and set them in a clean bowl on the counter. “Without a doubt. It’s worse on weekdays too, because the classes he teaches are all early in the morning. Now do you want scrambled, fried, or boiled?”

“Scrambled, please.” As Klaus got to work on making breakfast for the two of them, she thought about what Five might teach. “Hey Klaus?”

“Yeah?” Klaus was stirring the already scrambled eggs in the skillet.

“What does Five teach? I mean it makes sense that he’s a teacher, but I just can’t think of what he’d be so willing to teach for a living.” Klaus looked back at (Y/n) before down at the eggs again. Her chin was resting in her hands, and she stared over at him, waiting for his answer.

“I think some sort of ethics class, like there’s different types of ethics, but that’s all I really know. He doesn’t really talk about work, and it’s a bit weird considering he was an assassin.” Klaus split the scrambled eggs in two separate bowls with forks in them and gave one to (Y/n).

“He killed people?” (Y/n) dug into the eggs, shoving them in her mouth, listening for Klaus.

“We’ve all dabbled with a little murder before, it’s not really that big of a deal for us, but he swore never to kill for someone else again, I’m pretty sure.” Klaus fillet out a little moan of joy as he started filling his own stomach with the eggs.

“That must be why he was so unphased about what happened yesterday, that makes me feel a lot better.” She concluded, trying not to remember the way she nearly beat the life out of the man in Five’s car as she shoved more of Klaus’s eggs in her mouth. “These are really good!”

“Danke!” Klaus thanked her in German, with a mouth full of eggs. He swallowed them and continued speaking. “That actually reminds me- you’ve done acid right?” (Y/n) thought on the question for a moment before answering.

“No actually, but I did do shrooms a lot with my friends before I dropped out.” Her fork scraped the bowl, trying to get the last of the eggs.

“Good! You have experience.” Klaus poured the last of his eggs in his mouth, straight from the bowl, before swallowing. “Would you like to do acid with me? You don’t have to, but I feel like this would definitely raise your spirits.” Klaus leaned toward her, waiting for her answer.

“I’d love to actually.” (Y/n) swallowed the last of her eggs, and stacked her bowl with Klaus’s, before taking them to the sink to wash them. Klaus stood and followed her, digging in the breast pocket of his half-unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and pulling out a small square of folded tin foil.

“Great! Now stick your tongue out.” Klaus unfolded the foil and pulled a tiny white square of paper, roughly the size of a phone keyboard key, out from the six-ish others in it. (Y/n) stuck her tongue out as she rinsed the now-clean bowls and Klaus placed the piece of paper on it, before sticking one on his own tongue.

(Y/n) stuck her tongue back in her mouth and sucked a bit on the paper. “So do I swallow it, or…?” The tab didn’t make it any harder to talk, thank god.

“If you want to, but you absorb it faster when it’s in your mouth.” Klaus picked up the bowls and started drying them. “It’s not bitter at all is it?” Klaus asked, checking to make sure she didn’t take a laced tab.

(Y/n) focused on the tab again, not really noticing any taste. “Not that I can notice.” Klaus smiled as he shut the cabinet where he placed the bowls.

“That means we’re all good! You can swallow it when the paper feels soggy enough, though, you’ve probably absorbed most of it by now.” Klaus led her back upstairs to his room, practically dragging her by her wrist. “Things are gonna get really funny for a little bit before you actually start tripping.” Klaus shut the door behind them and plopped on his bed.

“Doesn’t it take like an hour to kick in?” This wasn’t her first rodeo, so she knew her way around at least a bit.

“Yeah yeah, it’s kinda like shrooms? But the visuals and the trip are just a bit different, you’ll see what I mean.” Klaus grabbed a joint he had rolled earlier and lit up, taking a few puffs before passing it to (Y/n). “Just settle in for like half an hour and then get up to see how you feel.”

•••

Tripping on LSD was a profound experience. (Y/n) wasn’t able to go outside, as it was raining cold, so she stayed inside, wandering around the house. She and Klaus made some really cool art, and Klaus held it over the vents to dry while she was walking around the house.

Tripping felt like seeing the universe fully for the first time, and she could somewhat understand Klaus’s view of the world. Many times throughout the last three hours, she thought she saw Five blipping away out of the corner of her eye. She had dismissed it every time, of course.

Now the trip was peaking, and the visuals were insane. The air around (Y/n) felt like breathable, transparent, clay, and it was a little overwhelming with all the visuals, so she opened the door in front of her and quietly sat next to it, letting out a long, happy sigh. Closing her eyes, she paid attention to the gorgeous visuals she could see behind her eyelids.

(Y/n) didn’t even notice Five sitting on his bed, staring at her from over his book. She was too focused on the movement behind her eyelids, and the euphoric feeling surrounding her, so when Five spoke, she nearly jumped out of her skin.

“I think you have the wrong room.” The sound of Five closing his book reached her ears.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry, I- I wasn’t paying attention I’ll leave.” (Y/n) stumbled over her words as she tried to stand, clearly embarrassed.

“No, no, it’s fine actually.” Five spoke, rather out of character. “A little company once in a while feels nice, and I see no harm when you’re being quiet.” His face was beyond distorted, but she could still recognize his permanent scowl.

“Really?” (Y/n) settled back down, more relaxed and at ease.

“Yeah, I don’t really care.” Five grabbed his book again, opening it back to where he was. “Just don’t be too annoying.”

“I won’t don’t worry.” Five grunted quietly at her response. A smile painted itself on her face, and she slid all the way down the wall, with her head now on the floor with the rest of her.

•••

And she was quiet. Five watched for like an hour and a half as her eyes slowly focused on something new in his room every few moments. She was quite taken by the math equations across his wall, and he found it rather cute. He started to find her less annoying, now understanding that she coped the way his brother did.

He was alone once again in his room now, no longer accompanied by (Y/n). In fact, she was accompanied by one of her “friends.” She barely even knew the guy.

Five could hear everything. Every moan. Every word spoken with the intent of being quiet, but wasn’t held under the gentle guise of a whisper. It infuriated him.

Of course, he understood that she didn’t grow up in a particularly healthy home, given that she was in a homeless shelter at almost 18, so she didn’t understand healthy coping habits. It genuinely hurt his heart, if just a little bit, that he could watch another hurt soul walk down the same path as his brother.

Klaus had gotten help for his addictions, and was off addictive drugs completely, but even Five understood that not everyone will be able to get the help they need. He wouldn’t say he had any feelings for her, but he still felt sympathy.

Knowing that it was how she coped made hearing all of it a little easier, but he still wasn’t able to handle it after hearing it for fifteen minutes, so he jumped down to the kitchen, brewed himself some herbal tea, added a little vodka, and read his book, criss cross, on the table in the center of the room, attempting to ignore what was happening right across from his room.

•••

Bailey had just left, and (Y/n) was exhausted. He was kind of an ass, and he treated her like shit in middle school, but he was a horny teen, and it was really easy to just invite him over.

The trip was fading out now. She was no longer peaking, and the visuals were far less intense. (Y/n), after standing at the stairs, staring at them for a couple minutes, deemed it safe to be able to walk down them. She knew it was normally safe to go down the steps while tripping, but something in her head told her to wait, so she did.

These particular steps were a little steep, as well, so she made her way down slowly, leading herself to the kitchen in the basement. Her bare feet padded quietly on the floor as she walked to the stove, turning the heating element under the tea kettle on. The bags under her eyes felt so beyond heavy, and she knew she’d be sleeping deeply tonight.

“You done up there?” Five’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts. (Y/n) turned and leaned on the counter to face him.

“Yeah, yeah, he left like ten minutes ago. I’m just really tired and want some tea to relax I guess.” Her arms were crossed, comfortably holding each other up.

Five hummed in response. “Well I see we both thought of the same thing.” He lifted his mug of tea, peppermint maybe, and put it to his lips.

“I thought you only drank coffee.” (Y/n) chuckled a little feeling the heat of the stove begin to reach her back.

“Well it wouldn’t be very logical to drink caffeine so late in the day, especially when I have to teach an early class tomorrow.” Five flipped the page of his book, continuing to read while talking to her.

“Makes sense.” Her words were drowned out by the high whistling of the tea kettle, letting her know she could pour it into the cup. Grabbing the tin of loose leaf tea, she hummed as she scooped it into the reusable tea bag that was next to it.

(Y/n) dropped the tea bag in the cup, following up with the boiling water. She turned, bringing her and her cup to the table, now sitting next to Five. Five was a grumpy, annoying, old, man who has to grow up all over again, but his company was enjoyable, it contrasted hers in such a way that it comforted her. It made her feel like her ADHD was less severe, like her inability to focus was matched by someone who could do nothing but focus.

Only a day had gone by since they met, and she was already comforted by him.

Five shut his book and looked over at her. The more he got to know her, the more subtly enjoyable he found her. Her sitting not two feet from him didn’t bother him as much as it usually would. He was kind of ok with that.

“You drink peppermint?” (Y/n)’s voice was scratchy and hoarse. She really did need the tea.

“Yeah, it’s the least fruity from what I’ve tried.” He took another sip. “Simple classic.” He set it down and looked over at her, engaging in an unexpected conversation.

“I tend to prefer fruitier teas, I’ve noticed.” She looked down at the cup that she’d been drinking out of for a couple minutes now. “They go down easier and really comfort me. Reminds me of my mom, she only ever made fruity teas.” She took another sip, letting the warmth fill her up.

“What happened to your mom?” Five looked back down at his drink, then back up at the girl next to him. “I noticed that you didn’t exactly live with her when we picked up your stuff.”

“Yeah..” (Y/n) hesitated a little. He was awfully blunt. “I was like seven when it happened, but I’m told it was a double suicide, between her and dad.” Her legs were swinging a little nervously. “Mom sent me up to my room one night and told me not to come out until she opened the door, no matter what. The next day a detective came into my room and carried me out screaming. They were both dead on the floor. I lived with my aunt and uncle after that.”

“Oh shit.” Five didn’t expect her answer to be this upsetting.

“Yeah. My uncle told me it was a double suicide, my aunt said the same thing, she manipulated me and made me think they did it because of me.” (Y/n) sighed into her drink, her distorted reflection staring back at her. “I don’t even remember what the scene looked like, just a lot of blood. I don’t look at anything about it either, don’t really want to relive it.”

“That’s really tough, wow.” Five chuckled uncomfortably and finished his drink. “I didn’t know my mother, but my mom was a robot. She was pretty much indestructible, but she was fully shut off when our house was being attacked a long time ago.”

“Oh my.” (Y/n)’s voice was soft, hoarse, and tired. Her hand gently moved to rest atop his, not really knowing how else to reassure him, if he even needed it, of course. “I’m sorry about that.”

Five didn’t even seem to notice his hand being covered. “No it’s fine, I got over it long long ago.” His words were just slightly slurred, and his eyes had reddened slightly.

“Well I’m here if you ever need like, a hug or something.” (Y/n) laughed. “I don’t really know how else to comfort anyone.”

“It shouldn’t be your job to comfort anyone, that’s not your responsibility.” Five chuckled and smiled slightly. (Y/n) hadn’t expected him to smile, and it wasn’t as weird as she thought it would be.

Before she could even mention it though, Klaus’s happy, booming voice echoed in the kitchen as he practically skipped to the fridge. As she yanked her hand away from Five, she noticed the way he pulled his arm away as well. Maybe he did notice?

Klaus and Five started talking about something as he got off the table and placed his cup in the sink, but she wasn’t paying attention. Before her attention was quickly pulled to the floor, she thought on the way Five had wrenched his arm away.

As anxiety inducing as it was, the LSD that was still in her system made it easy to quickly move onto the next thought. Before she knew it, a flash of blue wrenched her out of her head and she looked up at Klaus, now alone with her in the kitchen.

“Hey, sweetie.” Klaus kissed her cheek and led her gently off the table and to the stairs. “Your trip going good?” He popped a black olive in his mouth.

“Yeah it’s going fine, I really like it. It’s kinda different from shrooms, but not like a bad different.” She was just two steps behind him, trying to keep the same pace as him.

“That’s great.” Klaus hummed as he popped another olive in his mouth. “These are absolutely amazing. I figured you would like it, it’s really calming and stuff for me. Makes the sad feeling kinda disappear for weeks after.”

“Oh same, I’ve just felt creative and warm all day.” They stopped in front of Klaus’s room, Klaus still eating his olives. “I’m actually exhausted too, the trip felt really nice.”

“Well I’m glad I could have helped.” Klaus pulled her into a tight hug, humming loudly. Hugs felt great on psychedelics, she had noticed.

“You helped so much.” (Y/n)’s voice was slightly muffled by Klaus’s chest. She pulled out of Klaus’s chest, speaking again. “I’m gonna go to bed now, if that’s ok, I’m so so tired.” She laughed a little.

“That’s fine, I’m gonna crash the moment I hit my bed, so..” Klaus smiled down at her, thankful for this mini-him.

“Night night, Klaus.” (Y/n) and Klaus both separated to head to their rooms, both about to sleep deeply enough to miss a train going through the house.

The stairs up to her new room were an almost pastel green color, covered by what looked to be years of grime and nicotine stains. It added character, she thought. The checkerboard floor at the top of the stairs seemed to lead her straight to her new room, which she was really thankful for, she was exhausted.

Her fingers wrapped around the doorknob, twisting the old carved crystal just enough to open it. She closed it the same way, with just enough effort for it to work, she could have sworn she saw something blue flash near her, but she doubted herself immediately. Once she plopped on the bed, her fingers dragged her phone across the sheets towards her.

It took (Y/n) two full minutes to open her phone, not remembering her password and then not being able to type the right letters slowed her down significantly. It wouldn’t matter though, because once she turned on some quiet music, she was fast asleep.

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lorei-writes · 3 years

Text

Trials and Tribulations of an Unconsenting Time-Traveller

Part 1: Pleasant Beginings to a Fatal End

OC x ???*

Ah, ah, allow me to explain the odd labels situation before you skip ahead! I may need a bit of your help - of course, if you wanted to join my little game >:3

You see, I do not outline my works, not even series (past few key-points and crucial details). This situation is no different. >:3 In other words, I have no idea who my OC is going to end up with, and this is something I am leaving partially up to you, my dear reader. Who should I have her meet? Who should she spend some time around?

Let me know your thoughts! >:3 All that I am certain of is that plenty chaos will be involved! >:3

If you wanted to see some OC information first, do look into the notes.

Content Warnings: fire, near death experience

Guide:

Each chapter you will be presented with a choice which will influence the story - a question at the very bottom of the post. Two answers to it are mine, the third one - is completely up to you.

You can add your vote by putting one of the options in the comment below the chapter.

Before I get to writing the next part, I will count up all the votes. The option the story will follow will be either the one with the greatest number of votes, or the one suggested completely by you (depending on which is more inspiring).

If no votes appear, I will simply go by my own choice. There is no set time limit of voting - as long as the next part hasn’t been released, assume it’s still okay to vote.

Characters in this story are assumed to be speaking few different languages. The following is assumed: normal dialogue notation = Japanese; dialogue written in italics = English. Any phrases not written in English will be put in the dictionary at the bottom of the work.

Maria was – and for some, it was only the matter of fact that Maria would be, always there, always available in case a friend, however vague, needed a shoulder to cry on or otherwise vent. Forever swarmed with endless stream of ‘others pass, but you do stay’, ‘you’re simply reliable, that’s why’, ‘don’t take it too personally’, she did earn herself a few surprised glances, the heels of her shoes clacking against the tiles as she exited the office and marched down the narrow staircase, never once looking back. Carried by the momentum, she strode through the streets, too preoccupied with her own thoughts to even take note of the passing trams, or lack thereof, all traffic having seemingly died down for some unknown reason.

Violin. Maria blinked, a semi-familiar reminders of the medieval fortifications appearing in her sights. She rubbed onto her eyes – when? She turned around, a steady stream of tourists flowing down the path, a park spreading wide before her. The music still taking over the air, few people glanced towards the artist, perhaps only because they needed to pass through the gate – and yet, for her, it was infinitely more surprising she’d venture all the way there, much less when all she could think of was the peace of her mind (or lack thereof) and tiredness. A sigh refusing to slip past her throat, she sat down on one of the benches, her eyes rising to stare at the cloudless sky. Perhaps she needed rest. Holidays. Perhaps a lifetime of them.

Miłe złego początki, lecz koniec żałosny = Pleasant beginnings to a fatal end

One should not demand too much from life, she knew – fortuna kołem się toczy, the wheel of fortune bowls itself, anything lying ahead being uncertain at best. Yet, not even in her wildest dreams, did she imagine a wish for a lifetime of holidays could be interpreted as ‘do end my life before my vacation ends’! Surely, if she could envision that much ahead of time, she’d opt to stay home. Perhaps she’d look through the collection of jars left behind by her grandmother, perhaps she’d sleep a little more, go watch the birds – anything, but being stuck in a fire, in a completely foreign place! Maria pulled her shirt over her nose, smoke stinging her eyes as she attempted to focus, recall the route she took to the place (although admittedly, it was a rather impossible task, given how she never walked it in the first place). Too stunned to think logically, plenty high off of adrenaline, she rushed from room to room, calling for help – to no avail.

Maria stopped, her breaths growing shorter, shallower. Was it how she was to die? Panicked? Well, she could probably bear the thought, had it not been for the fact she was supposed to rest. Heavens, at least give her the peaceful death! Clearly discontent, she furrowed her brows, dark brown hair sticking to her brow, then covered with sweat. More angry than fearful, she clenched her fists, fully intending to attempt escape, even if just one more time – all to say that truly, a little fire might be too little to ruin her time. Partially blinded, she walked onwards, each of her steps being decisive and steady… Until the one that wasn’t, her balance being thrown-off that very instant. Maria looked below herself, a man, who she assumed must have been an actor, lying unconscious over the floor. His arm over her shoulder, Maria blinked fast, her spine protesting against being overused like so. Surely, it was not the best beginning of the trip, she thought, but at least she’d have something to reminiscent.

The air was cool that night, although she was not certain as to where had the evening disappeared. Her knees buckling down below her weight, she attempted to slow her fall to the ground, the man she still kept hoisted appearing to be no more aware than a few moments earlier. Her body falling out of the state of the desperate strength, she set him down as gently as she possibly could in that moment (which wasn’t exactly gently, but not yet brutal either), then promptly falling forward herself. The world fading to black, she noted the presence of few unfamiliar buildings – and that, perhaps, the pavement below her was not quite there, at least not exactly as it used to be.

“Lord Nobunaga…!”

Maria closed her eyes.

Kto pyta, nie błądzi = The one who asks questions does not go astray

The room was buzzing around her. “What should we do about her?” “You must be desperate to seek my insight, Hideyoshi,” a white-haired man chuckled – or so she assumed was the sound, anything past it remaining unintelligible to her. “This isn’t a joke. An assassination attempt at our lord, much more so with a foreigner being involved –” “If your concerns are based, then you should not be speaking of them around her. If she truly is a spy, she would understand then,” somebody grumbled from somewhere further away. “Lord Ieyasu is right… Although the scenario is hard to believe.” “We should just poke the lass awake and ask her.”

Plenty confused, Maria pushed herself up, her gaze still being unfocused.

“Silence.”

Whatever the word meant, she could only assume. Whatever it was, it froze the room, turning far too many distrustful eyes her way. Suddenly aware of being surrounded from all sides, she raised her eyebrows – truly, she might have saved some actor, but for such a welcome... “Umm... Excuse me, does anybody here speak English?”

Lack of any answer. “Dzień dobry…?” she laughed bashfully, reaching as to scratch her head. “Where... Where are we?”

Surely, she could think of a worse second day to her vacation.

Dictionary:

Fortuna kołem się toczy. - Fortune is fickle.

Dzień dobry - Good morning

Tag list: @datenoriko, @nad-zeta, @tsubaki3192, @missjudge-me, @ikemencrossedmyth, @nuttytani, @thesirenwashere, @milas-imaginarium, @kisara-16, @yukas-clover, @alerialumina , @cheese-ception , @iamryxx, @cottonfluffballofdoom, @ozziegrl71, @rikumorimachisgirl, @bestbryn, @kink-rabbithole If you want to be tagged under my future works, let me know (any way works)! ^^ Also, do remember to specify fandoms (and characters, if you are interested only in some) :D If it ever happens that you wish to be removed from my taglist, for any reason, do let me know. I will not ask why, it’s all fine ^^

#ikesen #ikemen sengoku #ikemen series #ikesen nobunaga #ikesen mitsuhide #ikesen hideyoshi #ikesen ieyasu #ikesen mitsunari #ikesen masamune

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hasereshdoneanythingwrong · 3 years

Text

Daydreaming

Faye walked through the halls of Novum Chaldea, her face buried in her tablet as she read through various reports. She sighed. Of course there’d be more singularities to resolve, minute ones have been growing more and more recently, even more than during the Incineration. She dropped her tablet and rested against a wall, her feet a little sore from walking so much. Pacing helped her think, but also tired her out.

Faye: There’s no end to them, is there? When this is done, I better get a really nice retirement plan.

Faye spoke to no one in particular as she stood alone in those halls, the white lights and walls an eerie reflection of the outside world. Kicking off the wall and stretching, Faye returned to her pacing. A few moments later, she heard sounds from one of the training rooms.

Faye thought to herself that the hallway she was in wasn’t super commonly used. Normally she took this way to relax and get a moment of peace. Who could be training here?

Further sounds of blades clashing began to grow as she approached. The door slid open and Faye peeked inside. Within the training room stood Serenity, her brow furrowed and deeply focused. Of course she’d be training, she’s so diligent, that lovable assassin. Faye leaned in the doorway as she watched.

Serenity was engaged in combat against a simulated Cursed Arm, the two exchanging blows. The simulated Cursed Arm must’ve been set to an extreme difficulty, as Serenity was pushed back. It was all the smaller assassin could do to deflect and dodge the blows coming her way. A high threaten, a high parry. Jumping back and catching her breath, Serenity spoke.

Serenity: I will protect you Master! No one will lay a hand on you!

Faye blushed a little at that. She was certainly direct, wasn’t she? The assassins fell back into their tense combat. The two swapped positions every once and a while as they continued to fight. No matter how much she tried though, Serenity failed to make any headway. Her simulated opponent continued his assault while giving up no real ground. No blows seemed to land as their blades clashed. A low threaten, a low parry, another jump backwards.

Serenity stopped once more to catch her breath. Faye looked on in awe as she watched just how hard Serenity pushed herself. Even as a servant, Serenity was pushed to her limit against this other, older Hassan.

A large figure appeared behind Faye in the hallway, his cloak and towering figure blocking some of the lights behind her.

???: She truly cares for you, contractor.

Faye: Oh, hey Gramps.

Faye turned back from acknowledging the First Hassan to watching Serenity’s training.

Faye: She’s something special, huh? She works so hard all the time.

Gramps: Indeed, the poison one hath a strong sense of duty. Be sure to treat her well.

Faye: I will, Gramps. I will.

The figure’s presence faded away as Faye continued to watch Serenity. Faye took a step in as Serenity began to activate her Noble Phantasm. As Serenity chanted, a thick mist formed, the lights dimmed.

Serenity: Hotter and hotter. Enough to melt. Your body and heart will be incinerated.

Serenity closed the gap between the simulation and herself before landing a kiss on Cursed Arm’s cheek.

Serenity: Zabaniya.

The mist faded, lights regaining their brightness as the simulated Cursed Arm melted away. Serenity sighed as she sheathed her blades. Her posture straightened from her normally tense combat behavior to her excited and relaxed base posture as she turned to the opposite wall. Serenity all but skipped over to the wall grabbing something that Faye couldn’t quite make out, speaking to herself.

Serenity in falsetto: Oh Serenity, you’ve saved me! I love you!

Serenity, normally: Oh my, F-Faye. You’re so forward! It’s okay, no one will harm you while I’m at your side.

Serenity turned, kissing the object as Faye realized what exactly Serenity was holding. A life-sized pillow with Faye on the cover of it. Faye’s face went beet red as she realized, Serenity looking up and being ripped from her daydream, her own face pink and slack jawed.

The two maintained eye contact, wordless for a short time before Serenity activated her Presence Concealment, vanishing immediately and leaving the dakimakura. Faye walked over to it, face still red as she held it up.

Faye: It’s really me. Goddess, help me.

A purple lipstick stain was on the lips of Pillow Faye. Faye tucked the pillow under her shoulder as she went back to her room. Serenity would probably want this later, and leaving it here wouldn’t be for the best.

Mentions:

@hasishtardoneanythingwrong @hasquetzdoneanythingwrong @haspaulbunyandoneanythingwrong @hastamamocatdoneanythingwrong @hasabbydoneanythingwrong

A/N) Yes, more Serenity content. No I haven’t forgone Eresh, i just really felt like writing some Serenity today. Faye has two hands, after all. I hope you all enjoy it, fight scene are something I don’t have much practice with yet, so let me know what you think.

#Faye #hassan of serenity #my mastersona

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izzyrenee13 · 3 years

Text

MORPHO CLINT BARTON X OC

Chapter 2

(TW: mentions of SA, abuse)

Day three of Operation Dubai, June 8, 2009

Sometime in the Early Morning

I don’t know how I got here, how this happened, how long it had been, but I knew Clint and Nat were going to come for me. This operation was supposed to be a simple in-and-out mission, day one was figure out rotations, day two was prep and day three was get the drive and get the hell out of India.

Fury depended on this flashdrive getting back into SHIELD’s hands, as it was classified on everyone to ever even speak to an agent. That’s why he sent his three best agents to Dubai, though he knew the three of us didn’t do a mission without the others. Honestly, one person should have been able to do it. We didn’t account for HYDRA to bring the Winter Soldier in to stop us.

So here I was, on the third day, trapped in some cement cell. I heard my door clang open, and saw The Winter Soldier with two people who looked like doctors. I tried teleporting out of the cell, but a device was placed inside the handcuffs I was in to limit, and make trying to use my abilities painful.

The men grabbed me, and I fought back until a needle was placed into my neck, making me pass out. I woke up on a table in a room that was completely white, in a hospital gown. My nether-regions were extremely sore, I was in a pool of my own blood. I’d been raped, my virginity had been taken. They stripped me of my SHIELD uniform, and violated my body. I started to silently cry when a man walked in.

“Ah, Darling, you’re awake,” He said with the most evil smirk I’d ever seen. “Boys, It’s time to have fun with our plaything.” Three others came in, and this time I was awake and aware, but I was tied down so I couldn’t fight back. I sobbed the entire time.

After the four men were done with me, I was thrown back into the same cell.

The same thing happened for the next two? Three? days. Multiple times a day, multiple men, it always hurts.

Unknown Amount of Days Later, 10:30 AM

On what I assumed was the fourth day, there was a massive commotion right at the end of the first “session” of the day. I heard agents yelling to find me, and two voices stood out the most. I was in the room where they took me to hurt me, and one man was dead set on finishing. I started screaming for Clint and Nat.

“HAWKEYE. WIDOW. IN HERE!” I screamed over and over again as he thrusted into me, trying to get me to shut up.

After not even thirty seconds of screaming, the man who was using me fell limp, and I looked up to see an arrow sticking out of the base of his neck. I was crying before, but it turned to full on sobs as my partners untied me. Clint picked me up bridal style and walked me out to the quinjet.

He kept me in his arms, apologizing and giving me forehead kisses the whole ride back to the Triskelion. When we got there he instantly took me to the medbay. He laid me on the table, and turned to walk out, ‘Can you send Nat in here?” I asked with a raspy voice. The doctor was a male, and at the moment there were only four men I’d trust to be alone with.

Natasha walked in, and instantly grabbed my hand, “I’m so sorry Liza. We should have covered you better, we should have seen--”

I cut her off, “Nat, it’s okay. No one saw him. I’m just glad it was me, not you.” It physically hurt to sit up, so I casted an illusion to give her a hug. “You’re one of my best friends Nat. I love you and never in a million years would I blame you.”

She hugged me back, very tight. The doctor gave me some medications to take, a complete Rape Kit, a few more tests, then left us to get me dressed. Nat helped me get on a pair of sweats and one of Clint’s shirts.

4:00 PM

I walked out of my room and saw my dad, Pepper, Clint, Fury and Happy all waiting for me, not noticing I’d come out. I snickered, “Would you look at that, the only four men I’m okay being alone with, and the best mother figure to live.”

Before I knew it, I was in my father’s arms. They all had been crying, but I could tell he took the news of what they did to me the worst. We just stood there in a hug for what seemed like forever. “I missed you Dad.” I said into his shoulder.

“I missed you too sweetheart.” He said as he let me go, so I could give everyone else a hug.

When I had finally got to Nick, I really looked at him for the first time. I saw the tears in his eye, “Don’t go soft on me Uncle Nick.” He chuckled at the name I called him since I met him oh so many years ago and pulled me into a bear hug. “I swear if you apologize to me, I’ll leave SHIELD.” I tended to use humor to cope with the traumatic events that just happened.

June 24, 2010, 6 AM

I woke up early to train. It had been just over a year, and I was finally cleared for field work again. I walked into the training rooms and saw my two favorite people. I guess the trio reunites in training today.

“Hawkeye, Widow.” I greeted them, using their code names as they hadn’t seen me yet. The pair whipped around, surprised to see me in a public training area, seeing as I spent the last year only training in private. I didn’t want to see people as a “benched agent” even though I knew people wouldn’t judge why I was benched.

“Morpho. What brings you here?” Nat asked me as they approached, keeping formality in front of the few new agents that were in the room with us.

“Well, Fury said I could tell you the news, and I wanted to train.” I smirked and gave them both quick hugs, slightly blushing at the hug I shared with Clint. We'd gotten so close over the last year and about two months ago, I realized I was falling in love with him, but I couldn’t tell him. There’s no way he’d feel the same.

“What news? Is it good or bad?” Clint asked me while he pulled away from the hug, slightly concerned.

“I’m officially cleared for field work!” I said, and instantly was attacked in a huge bear hug with two master assassins.

6:00 PM

After a long day of training, paperwork and eventually dinner, Clint, Nat and I all decided to go out to celebrate me being cleared.

We went to a karaoke bar, and oddly enough, Clint’s got some decent pipes considering he’s mostly deaf. We drank, not too much, but enough to loosen up. I hadn’t gone in public much since Dubai, and that was hard, considering a Stark had fallen off the face of the earth. I was the news for about two months, but eventually it all faded out luckily.

11:00 PM

Our night was so fun, we ended it by walking Natasha back to her apartment. Clint and I then caught a cab to the Triskelion, as we both lived in the barracks due to not moving out, even though we could the second we became level 5 agents, we both were level 7, so we got nicer rooms than most people.

Over the past year, Clint and I had set up a system, as our rooms were next to each other, we had baby monitors in case I had a nightmare and needed someone to wake me up to calm me down. Needless to say, I had a nightmare tonight. A bad one.

Clint came running into my room, as I was thrashing around, screaming and crying. He gently shook me awake, got me to look him in the eye and I started to be able to breathe. He sat down next to me on my bed, once I calmed down enough he got up to leave and go back to bed seeing it was two in the morning.

“Clint, wait,” I said in the smallest voice ever. “Please stay, at least til I fall asleep.” He turned and came to lay next to me. I fell asleep on his chest, listening to his heartbeat while he drew small circles on my back.

CLINT’S POV

Liza had fallen asleep and I really debated on not leaving. She looked so beautiful, peaceful even. I just wish I could tell her how I felt, that I was undeniably in love with Liza Maria Stark.

I laid there for a little bit, but eventually slipped out and back into my room. I really didn’t want Natasha or Fury seeing us in the same bed, and knowing my luck, tomorrow morning would be one where one of them comes and checks on her.

I fell asleep that night wishing she was in my arms, but there was no way she’d ever love someone like me. I was 15 years older than her.

A/N:

This is the last chapter of timestamps and back stories. The coming chapters will be so, so much more interesting as I can put more of the plot into them. These last couple have just been background on Clint & Liza’s background with one another. I hope you enjoy, please comment and vote!!

Permanent Tagist: @hawkeyesbabe

#clint barton #clint barton x oc #tony stark #nick fury #pepper potts #avengers #natasha romanoff #hawkeye #black widow #iron man #morpho

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simping-on-the-daily · 3 years

Text

I have to yet to fully develop them but boom boom bitches did you think I would stop making Dream SMP OCs? Hell nah

They both be a combination of Tales of the Dream SMP characters and actual Dream SMP characters

They're all canon and they will eventually have their own bios, but this is just a place to hold my notes basically

Toastie

Slime hybrid

They/she

Full name is Toastie Rickroll (based off the last names generally being memes)

I listened to Hamilton while making her so that helps

Fought for L'Manburg during the Independence Arc

Eventually joined Schlatt's cabinet for Manburg, but later resigned and helped join Pogtopia

Also became part of the Butcher Army

Currently apart of no faction

Respects tradition very well

Their family has fought and died for their respective countries for years

And Toastie carried on the tradition

Without something or someone to fight for Toastie kinda feels useless

They're so used to fighting that peace is basically a foreign concept to her

It doesn't help with all the wars

Toastie does what they do best: protect

And with L'Manburg gone, they now have someone (or a few someone's to care for)

Very fond of their old cabinet and her Butcher Army friends

Despises Techno and Dream for destroying L'Manburg on numerous occasions

Phil is very close to also getting on their negative list

Their most precious item is their enchanted Netherite axe, the Mindbreaker

Toastie confirms it's a family heirloom you get when you learn how to hold scissors correctly

It basically has the blood of people who fought against the country Toastie's family decided to fight for and were either killed or tortured with it

Toastie wants to try and guide it and herself on a more peaceful path, but they always end up going to violence

It's kinda engraved in her

Since she trusts Quackity due to experience, they give him their axe daily as long as he brings it back

They're unaware that Quackity's using it to torture Dream

Very protective and dedicated to fighting for those they care about

Tends to learn towards fighting as her first option and runs her mouth a lot

ThEy'Re BoUncY-

They can jump really high

Really likes swamps

If they ever get injured, the injured part can turn into miniature versions of themselves similar to tiny slimes and they'll attack their opponent

Absolutely despies Magma Cubes and will attack them whenever she can get the chance

Whisp

Wolf hybrid

But they're also a ghost!

Their real name is Whisper, and their full name is Quiet Whispers

She/Her

Large grey ears on their head

Long tail that can fade sometimes due to ya know, death

Really fun to chew on bones despite the fact that she doesn't need to eat them and she can't even digest them

She can bond with other people and she can track the people she's bonded with

Can bite really hard, has enhanced speed and strength, and they also have a pretty pogchamp smell and eyesight

Despite the fact that's she pretty powerful, Whisp is a strict pacifist who only hung around L'Manburg due to having numerous friends there

Somehow the only ghost to have a decent fucking memory of her life

Remembers good and bad, though she sometimes wishes she doesn't

Red sweaters boiiisssss

Very forgiving and kind

But a really giant people pleaser and self-sacrificial

Her self worth is based on what people think of her

Tries her best to get on everyone's good side

It breaks her if someone dislikes her

Grew up in a really shitty household where Whisp was basically ignored

So she grew up trying to gain the affection that her family never gave her

Really fucking touch-starved

Just pretty bad self esteem, even when she's dead

Please just tell her that she means something outside of other people's opinions and that she's an amazing human being

Absolutely adores animals!

Has numerous pet cafes

Like, so many gosh dang cafes

There's one for cats, one for dogs, and then there's a giant miscellaneous one

They're all part of the same building and that's also another part of it which is basically her house

BFFs with Ghostbur

Please protect her and tell her that she's amazing she really needs it

Sunny

Full name is Sunny Wholesun

Last name is a pun off 'wholesome' and 'sun'

Very proud of it

She's an angel boissss

She/her

Very simliar to Bad in terms of personality

They're both very sweet and will help anyone

Isn't a part of any countries

She just pops in when she wants to,,,,,

Conflict freaks her out

Optimsitc pal that just chooses to look on the bright side of things,,,,

However-

She wants to desperately try and be her own person outside of 'Bad but angelic' but she keeps getting compared to him

She feels like she keeps being in people's shadows despite being a literal creature of purity and light

Feels like a side character honestly

Good friends with Phil, but disapproves of his title, most notably due to it having death in it

Said to know Dream XD and the other gods of the server

Absolutely understand very dirty stuff, but chooses to ignore it

Also can understand war and sadness

Sunny just kinds chooses to keep holding her head up high

In her own words "If you always keep thinking of sad things, you'll always be sad"

And now the TOTDS ones

Lady Venus

From the Masquerade timeline

Ghast hybrid royalty

Berothed to Sir Billiam the III since birth

Very much married and in love

She's pretty kind for a royal

Or at the very least more nicer

Treats her servants well and gives them pay as well as vacation days

However, she lacks empathy and is somewhat insensitive

Doesn't understand that some people don't have the same social privilege's as her

So she can piss some people off

Her main butler was Ryan and he was basically her best friend outside of Billiam and Ranbutler

However, Ryan got angry and ended up assassinating her

Spear in the chest

Felt incredibly betrayed since Ryan was one of her few friends and died feeling fear and shock

Billiam ended up executing Ryan

With the death of his lover, Billiam aligned with the Egg due it promising to bring Venus back if he swore alliance to it

She remains a ghost, but neither Ranbutler, Billiam or anyone else can't see her

Venus absolutely despises the Egg for corrupting her family, but at the same time, truly believes it can bring her back to life, so she needs it

Her spear ridden body is in the same room as the Egg, therefore corrupting her body, and therefore her ghost, which is connected to it

Whenever Billiam or Ranbutler go down there, it ended up motivating the two further in order to bring Venus back

She clings to the hope that when the Egg brings her back to life, she can reunite with her husband and adoptive son once more and forget the Egg

She know it won't happen but hope is kinda the only thing she has

At the Masquerade, she was only able to be seen and talk to Karl due to him being from another time

Truly felt bad about his death, but didn't stop it since she wanted to live again

Without her being able to produce a heir, the Ghast royal family basically went in shambles and they all eventually died, making the Ghasts a free place with no government or hierarchy

I really love Venus as she's a very fun character to do and also very sad

Supports Ranbutler rights

Meanings

From the Village That Went Mad

Morals' ancestor

My friend compared her to that Chris girl from Carrie and I love it

She's a complete and utter asshole

Like, a full on fucking dick

Horrible person to be around

She's a villager, but absolutely everyone wanted her dead due to being a full on bitch

Jimmy theorizes that this is because of her mother also being the Enderdragon and either feeling like she's on top of everyone because of it, or that she feels inferior because Meanings isn't her mum so she acts like a dick to cover it up

It's either one of those two options

Just a full on fucking dick

I also love playing her because she's a really fun character

Horrible person, yes

But absolutely hilarious to play as

Maggie/Michael

From the Lost City of Mizu

I don't consider Mizu to be the official future, but rather an alternate reality, so bear with me in mind for that

I feel really smart with her name

It means Pearl, and you know

Mizu being an underwater city and all that?

Michael means 'who is like God', which refers to her best friend's......love for a past figure

They're genderfluid! Mostly goes by she/her, though on some days, they go with he/him

Her relationship with Ranbob is very similar to the one between Morals' and Dream

Since I don't see the story as a possible canon future but instead another alternate reality, she's not a descendant of anyone

And you know what? You wanna know what?

She's a cow hybrid now

Why? Because I said so

Remove Ranbob's very yandere personality and their friendship is friendship goals

Heck, even with it, it's still friendship goals

I will defo have more but those are the only Tales of the Dream SMP episodes I've watched, so-

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ayo-cowbelly · 4 years

Text

Hold Me Until The Sun Comes Up (and the stars fade away)

read on ao3 here

I should be working on the next chapter of my WIP, but the plot bunny grabbed me and wouldn't let go.

I'm apologizing in advance for this one.

hope you enjoy, sorry i'm so evil, but blyla is just perfect angst fuel (a beautiful tragedy, those two).

The first time Aayla kissed Bly was on Maridun. One of the nights they spent there, before they infiltrated the Separatist base. The night after seeing what the droids’ new toy could really do.

Aayla had pulled Bly aside, concern in her typically-guarded eyes. For all that Aayla was companionable, she wasn’t one to open up easily. At least, not to her men. But that night, something was different.

“You’re alright?” She asked.

“Yes, I’m fine- General, is everything okay?”

“You almost- Bly, what if-”

Understanding what she was saying, Bly finished, “What if you hadn’t gotten to me in time?”

She nodded gravely. “That weapon- it destroys every living thing, Bly,” she paused, running her hand down his cheek. They had discussed these… feelings, before, this unspoken thing between them; but they had agreed that a war was no place to explore such things. “It would have destroyed you too.”

“But it didn’t. You saved me, Gen- Aayla,” he corrected, remembering her request to be called by her name in private. “You saved me. I’m alright.”

“Bly, what if next time-”

“There won’t be a next time, I promise.” It was a selfish promise, they both knew it, but it was one Bly made anyway. He couldn’t guarantee he would be able to honor it, but he would fight tooth and nail to try. He loved her too much to cause her pain. “And if there is, you’ll be there to keep me safe. As always.”

Aayla gave him a wavering smile. “And you’ll save me.”

“Of course I will.”

“We make a good team, don’t we?”

“Yeah, we really do,” Bly whispered, knowing he should push her away. The way she was looking at him, touching him, it was everything they agreed not to pursue.

But he couldn’t do it. The soldier in him was chanting all the things that could go wrong, yelling at him to walk away, just walk away-

But his heart kept him there, in the arms of a beautiful Twi’lek on a secluded planet in the far reaches of the galaxy. “Aayla, we- we said we wouldn’t do this.” Why did he have to say that? He just promised he’d save her, vowed to himself he wouldn’t hurt her, but he’d already gone and done otherwise. He could see it in the way her shoulders deflated, just so.

“I know,” She murmured, soft fingers tracing his tattoos. “But please, can I do this? Just once?” Before he could reply, she slowly pushed herself up and pressed her lips to his.

The kiss was over quickly, but the remnants of it were seared onto Bly’s skin.

That was the first time, when they said there wouldn’t be more.

The second time was on their Star Destroyer, about three months later.

That was when their past agreement unraveled, giving way to something more.

“We said we wouldn’t do this.”

“Must you always remind me?” Bly said, almost irritated. He loved this woman, practically worshipped the ground she walked on, and though he had as much say in their current relationship status as she, it was… bothersome to think about, for lack of a better word. He couldn’t let himself get too upset over it- feelings fade in time.

Don’t they? Shouldn’t this, this unspoken thing, have waned by now? Why did it not leave him, why did it insist on burning in him? Why did he still blush when she smiled at him, his heart race when she neared, get annoyed when a shiny looked at her the way he did?

It should have gone away. It should’ve.

But it hadn’t. Instead, it grew stronger.

“Bly…” Aayla started.

“Yes, yes, I know- we’re fighting a war, we could die any day, you’re a Jedi…” He trailed off, the anger he had been feeling slightly dampening. He couldn’t blame Aayla for their situation.

“It’s not that I’m a Jedi. Love is not what is forbidden. It’s just… fighting a war, something I’m not meant to do- I fear I am more prone to attachment now. I can’t let it consume me. There’s a reason attachment is not allowed for Jedi, for the fallout of such things can be disastrous. It is selfish.”

“I know,” he sighed, remembering how she’d explained it before. “But Aayla, we said that whatever this is would eventually go away. For me, it hasn’t. It’s just gotten worse.”

“Worse?” She said in a lighthearted tone. “Is it really so bad to love me?” Her attempt to lighten the mood worked just a tiny bit, but it didn’t really make Bly feel any better.

“You know what I mean.”

Aayla looked down. “Yes, I do. Very much,” she said in a hushed tone. “So what do we do?”

“I don’t- I don’t know.” He walked across the small training room, rubbing his head frustratedly.

“Maybe there is a way to love deeply without getting attached, even in war,” She uttered, sounding like she was saying it more to herself. “The Force might show me how.”

Bly turned back to Aayla. “What are you saying?”

She lifted her head, and the look in her eyes was enough to take his breath away. “I love you.”

“I love you too, but Aayla-”

“Shut up and let me kiss you, Commander,” She ran towards him and launched herself into his arms, which were waiting for her.

The third time she kissed him was in private on Coruscant.

They were finally on leave, three months after the beginning of their relationship. They had been in his (thankfully private) quarters, the night they first arrived.

“You seem upset.”

“I’m not upset,” Bly muttered. Aayla got up from the bed and wrapped her arms around his chest. She attempted to make eye contact with him, chuckling and rolling her eyes as he repeatedly avoided her gaze.

“Bly, I can literally feel emotions,” She joked. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” He tried again, but quickly relented. “Just- it’s stupid.”

“Your feelings are not stupid, Bly. Irrational, maybe-” Aayla giggled at his exasperated expression. But upset as he was, her laughter always warmed his heart. “Sorry, fine, I’ll stop- but in all seriousness, what’s the matter?”

It took her a few pokes in the shoulder, a soft hit in the chest and finally resorting to holding his head in place with her hands to keep it from moving, but she finally got him to answer.

“I didn’t like how they looked at you.”

“Who?”

“Those men, at the bar. The ones from the other battalion. They look at you how I look at you, and I wish I could-”

“Bly, look at me,” Aayla gave him a kind half-smile. “Those men might think I am pretty, but they don’t look at me the way you do. You look at me like I’m beautiful, like I am beyond comparison, because you love me- and it makes me so incredibly happy. You make me happy, happier than I’ve ever been. Nobody else could ever come close to making me feel the way I feel when I’m with you.”

Bly had no words to respond with.

So when she kissed him, he kissed her back with all his love, all the words he couldn’t find.

The fourth time she kissed him was on Chandrila. A small squad of the 327th was stationed there to protect Senator Mon Mothma from a dangerous assassin that had been threatening her.

Aayla and Bly had left her apartment for the night, and though they should have returned to where the squad was staying, they found they had just enough time to sneak away for a bit.

Bly laid on top of one of the many mountains just outside Hanna City, Aayla held close in his arms.

“How long do you think we have?” Bly asked, fingers running up and down her arm.

“I’d say maybe twenty minutes, give or take,” She said quietly. Neither wanted to speak too loud, not wanting to mar the gentle night by being too noisy.

“This planet is beautiful,” Bly commented.

“Yes, it is. I forgot how much I loved it here- I haven’t been since years before the war started. I wish we had more peaceful missions like this one.”

“Me too; ironic, huh, considering I was made for war,” he quipped, but it came out sounding bitter. Bly mentally kicked himself for saying it, sure he had ruined this moment.

Aayla sat up and leaned over him, a tender but fierce fire in her eyes. “Listen to me. You may have been intended for war, but you are so much more than that. You are loyal, you are brave, kind, and smart. You make me laugh when I think I can’t, you give me hope when there is none; I love you, Bly, and I always will.”

She always said things with a note of finality, had a way of speaking that you couldn’t help but believe anything that came out of her mouth.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” He said, placing his hand on her cheek.

Leaning into the touch, Aayla placed a quick peck on his forehead before laying down again. She cuddled closer to him, pointing out constellations and telling stories of her previous visits to Hanna City. They stayed there, him holding her tight, and he wished he could always do this, wished they could stay here on this hilltop until the stars faded away.

“Aayla, I love you,” Bly whispered into the night. Though he had said it countless times before, this was different; it was final, a conviction.

She faced him again, kissing him softly but surely. “And I love you.”

It was a vow full of promises, a tether that bound these two souls together, no matter where they might end up.

Wherever they landed, wherever the galaxy pulled them towards, they would always come back to each other.

Then there was the time he kissed her.

They were on Felucia, a place that, no matter how many colorful plants called it home, always appeared to be drained of life in his nightmares.

How horrible, that the last time he saw the love of his life would become his worst nightmare.

“Bly, do you think it’s droids?”

“No.”

CC-5052 fired his weapon, despite Bly screaming not to. The countless barrage of bright blue pierced her skin, shoved her to the ground and kept her there.

Despite what you might have heard or seen, Aayla Secura’s death was not a silent one. Above the sound of blaster shots, you could hear her normally-composed voice screaming and begging for her love to stop.

Her shouts wormed their way past the chip’s defenses, reached into Bly’s mind, and he fought. He scratched and tore at the chip, the cage it placed him in. He needed to get to her, he needed to stop this, save her, stop this, please STOP-

Finally, when it was over, CC-5052 lowered his weapon and Bly escaped. Ripping off his helmet, he threw himself on the ground and pulled Aayla towards him. He checked for a pulse (he refused to admit what he already knew- he would not find a beating heart). He could not stop thinking of how she had just been so warm, when he had hugged her just minutes ago in private-

She was so warm, so beautiful; but now her electric blue skin was charred and gray and oh so burnt. He couldn’t have done this, he couldn’t have, he would never.

“Aayla-” Her name was the only word he could get out, the war for dominance in his mind taking a toll. He didn’t have much time.

“I’m sorry-” Bly hastily pressed his lips to hers, an apology, a vow, a plea for forgiveness. His tears coated her face, giving him the illusion that they were her own, that she was still alive, for she could not be dead, she couldn’t- He couldn’t bear it.

Hadn’t they promised to save each other?

He felt broken. So shattered, so torn, just like her skin that was blemished with the blaster wounds he’d given her-

Then all feeling was gone.

CC-5052 got up, turning away from the dead traitor’s body.

He had reports to make, troopers to check over. The traitor was not important. He had completed his mission, so it was now time to move on. Time to await new instructions. After all,

Good soldiers follow orders.

#blyla #commander bly #star wars #the clone wars #tcw #revenge of the sith #rots #order 66 #angst #aayla secura

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untitledtallgeesepodcast · 3 years

Text

[TRANSCRIPT] EPISODE 12: SPACE IS (STILL) THE PLACE

Kat 0:03

Hello and welcome to Untitled Tallgeese Podcast, a podcast where Kap, which is me, Mallory, Caitlin, and Cathy all get together and watch Gundam Wing and talk about Gundam Wing. This is episode 15, where we'll be covering episodes 23 and 24.

Kat 0:20

So I'm going to start off with an episode summary of Episode 23: Duo God of Death Once Again. We open with Sally Po salvaging Wing Zero from the bottom of the ocean with a band of rebels. In space, a now recovered Duo is hanging out, shit-talking OZ without even wearing a disguise, and that gets him noticed by newly-minted OZ soldier Hilde Schbeiker, who tells him to enlist. Instead, he steals a mobile suit, prompting a space battle with Hilde. During their own psychic hot pink moment, Duo realizes they're both fighting for the peace of the colonies! So he saves her from becoming collateral damage, and his capture conveniently gets him a ride to the moon. Duo is so hot that Hilde defects and helps him break into his target, the Lunar Base. Duo again allows himself to get the shit beat out of him and captured -- this time strategically -- and is thrown into the brig with Heero and Wufei, who are immediately jerks. He tells them the doctors have begun building a new Deathscythe and Shenlong. Lady Une makes Trowa listen to her monologue about Treize-sama and we fade out.

Kat 0:21

Episode 24: The Gundam They Called Zero starts with a mysterious Gundam attacking an OZ resource satellite, piloted by a traumatized Quatre, who then sets his sights on an actual colony. Lady Une orders Trowa and Heero out with the Mercurius and Veyeate, ignoring Chief Engineer Tsuberov's argument to use the mobile dolls. But with Une distracted, Tsuberov overrides her and orders the air to be cut off to the cells holding the pilots and the doctors, leaving them to die... slowly. Trowa is amped as hell to hang out with Quatre and get the band back together, but Heero is more cautious. Trowa loses half a suit in the ensuing battle and learns that Quatre may not be the ally he thought; he's decided the only way to stop war in outer space is to destroy the colonies themselves and Quatre and Heero prepare to face off as the episode ends.

Mallory 2:03

Yeah, these episodes were really fun.

Kat 2:06

They were really fun and I think they were really straightforward. There's, I don't know, there's like just everything was happening not symbolically.

Caitlin 2:14

Yeah, I love these episodes because they, they contain the entire spectrum of like, Duo eroticism. So

Mallory 2:21

[laughter] All right!

Caitlin 2:24

you have Duo being like cool, for a second, to Hilde. He's got the glasses, he like tries to break into the volunteer group or whatever, the soldiers. He does, he does get some like blows in and then he gets beaten up a bunch? You have cool Duo who we love and then you have beaten up Duo, who we also love. His voice is just so sexy to me throughout this entire thing. Sorry to like, confess my desires here but Duo is really like, working it.

Cathy 2:56

To add on to this in Episode 24 you get moe, cheerful-even-while-dying-but-also-resenting-his-death Duo. And then there's the little bit of like, almost flirtatious but also kind of serious fighting with Heero over who gets to go out of the jail cell and him calling Heero 01, which is a lot of fun. And you know, you get all the little pairings like Trowa beats up Duo so you get your 2x3 and then Wufei is stuck with Duo after Heero leaves you get your 2x5. Heero and Duo are the two that interact once Duo gets caught so you get your 1x2, like you got, you, there's everything.

Kat 3:37

And you get a new female love interest with Hilde.

Caitlin 3:40

Yeah, Duo gets a girlfriend at last he gets his own like mini. He gets mini Noin, as as we call Hilde.

Cathy 3:46

I really had forgotten how much she is like Noin until I rewatched these episodes, like she seems like a younger Noin, including sort of her naivete, and obviously that she's part of OZ. She has the same kind of, you know, I know what's right, and I know what my morals are, and I know what my values are, and I know what my mission is, that Noin had when we were first introduced to her at the Victoria Training Base. And then of course, that gets turned on its head by a man the same way that she does with Zechs.

Caitlin 4:19

Mmhmm.

Cathy 4:20

And then she sort of abandons that original kind of mission statement to seek her own meaning, which is also adjacent to the man's meaning, [laughs] but in a in a fun way.

Caitlin 4:32

And I will say that, in terms of like convincing speeches about politics we see in the show, Duo's points to her do make a little bit more sense than the average one.

Cathy 4:44

Yeah. And I I was trying to pay attention to the narration we got at the beginning, and I think this is consistent with the last two, but it felt more poignant here, where they were saying, you know, we're at this point where the Gundam pilots are trying to find a reason to exist in this changing world. And I thought that was a really great way of explaining, you know what Duo is doing and why I feel like that's so inspiring to Hilde, such that she essentially does a pivot and becomes a free agent in terms of how she is thinking about who she's fighting for. Because, you know, if you think about Duo and the other pilots at this point, the scientists who they've been getting missions from are captured. So it's been radio silent for months and months and months. Their Gundams are gone, they really have never been particularly good about organization or trying to get to a central mission, or if they even know what that central mission is. So they're working so hard and being so bad at it in terms of like, like doing to the best of their ability, something. And I really do think that that speech he gives like, there are some truths that he finds self evident. And it's just really hard for him to understand, like how to get there. And he is like, you can always feel him struggling with that while he talks to Hilde. And so I did find that really moving and really human.

Kat 6:04

When he says, "You remind me of me when I was sent back to earth and decided to fight for the colonies alone," which was really poignant, but also kind of funny and brings up a common complaint, which is I have no idea how much time has passed between things. Sort of like, was that how many months ago was that? When you say months and months and months, they've had time to build all these mobile suits. So and it does appear that OZ now has a pretty good infrastructure on the ground. Hilde's part of like, the OZ Student Volunteer Corps, who I don't think they should be handing mobile suits off to, that seems not like the best way. [laugh]

Caitlin 6:42

But you know, in the logic of this universe that 15 year old are the best piloting mobile suits so [laughs]

Mallory 6:48

Right, you know, why not give a hot headed teenager awash with hormones and rage a mobile suit?

Kat 6:56

I do think Hilde fulfills a really good role that we've been talking about in past podcasts about how we really don't see the colonists' perspective. And it gets very direct with that when she goes, "this is outer space's decision." Like nobody bullied us into arming ourselves and militarizing, we had to make the decision ourselves.

Mallory 7:16

Yeah, we did it for our own protection. She says we weren't going to just sit back and let them take over. She feels. I think. like OZ is giving her some sort of agency in this like feeling of powerlessness that we've kind of talked about and how the colonies feel powerless and insecure, and so if they feel insecure, they want to be armed.

Kat 7:38

There's this phrase she uses, and she says the colonies have "a history of humiliation," that I thought was really interesting and a kind of a perspective that we haven't seen so directly before.

Cathy 7:49

Yes. And also the scientists at the very beginning, remember, I think it's Dr. J who says, basically, well, OZ is treating all the new space colonies just like, and I have in quotes, "old world colonies to be plundered." They were talking about the history of the colonies and how they've been treated and I think in Episode 23, you kind of get that whole spectrum of it, right? You get they're just being exploited. Well, they feel like they need to assert themselves by getting armaments. But no, actually, according to Duo, this is all just hogwash and propaganda. And, you know, this is like this whole spectrum of reasons and thoughts about why this sudden militarization is happening and who's really behind it and who it actually is serving.

Kat 8:29

I'm gonna pick up a thread there when you said propaganda, because something we haven't mentioned, was Zech - er Milliardo Peacecraft inexplicably just hanging out in another conference room with a bunch of old colony dudes in suits. And they mentioned that the engineers or the, the Gundam doctors have been killed, and he thinks, oh, that's the kind of falsehood that could really do a lot of damage. Like he's already noticing that the OZ machine is running.

Mallory 8:54

Right, it was a line that struck me because it's frankly, kind of a terrifying lie in the age of things like Qanon and sort of foreign misinformation campaigns that we are seeing on Twitter and Facebook.

Caitlin 9:07

Zechs pointing out the dangers of fake news?!

Mallory 9:11

Yeah, unmitigated rumor. And I don't know, I think as a journalist it just really strikes me that in a children's TV show there's this like, warning like, "Be careful of lies that you are being told by adults." We only really see, we see news but we only, really only see Une or OZ representatives speaking. We don't really see like, like an independent journalist standing with a microphone or whatever, which tells you where like news and what news is going out and the spin that is being put on that. Like when Une assassinated Septum early on, and she comes out and she's like, Oh, it was the work of those dirty Gundams, right?

Caitlin 9:53

Right. We do know, so one of the, one of the notable like news sequences that we have seen recently is the OZ theatre of destroying Deathscythe, right? We see that they do it. And then we see Duo reacting to it? So we know that like part of their like news cycle right now in the colonies at least is like expelling this, like the Gundams as terrorists,

Cathy 10:17

I almost feel like, because all the players have, or are connected to the military or Romefeller or OZ or Alliance, and the reactions we see about these news documents, be they press releases or broadcasts, are from those players, it feels less like some sort of point about propaganda, or fake news. It feels like to me that OZ released that information to the colonies for a reason, even though there might be backlash from the colony, the individual colonists, but it really was about trying to get colony leadership to agree to the OZ takeover.

Caitlin 11:01

Yeah, you think, you think it's about the people who are making decisions, not about trying to control public opinion?

Cathy 11:08

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Caitlin 11:10

I think that might be true. Like, to a certain extent, that is what they're doing. But we also do see that public opinion has shifted, and that there is a real, a real effect to this. That's what, that's sort of what the point of Hilde is, to know that there are people in the colonies who have changed their perspective on how to fight, that they've joined up with the OZ Volunteer Corps.

Mallory 11:33

Exactly. And sort of it shows the hold that OZ already has, and the sort of foundation that OZ has already built within the colonies, in that they already have, you know, like Kat was saying earlier, they already have a Student Corps. You know, like that these structures kind of pop up really quickly.

Caitlin 11:51

The ease with which these structures arose, speaks to the, the things for which the colonies are usually used? Like they're already sort of like primed for manufacturer. They're primed for like the sort of intense sort of governmental control because you need somebody inside each of these colonies managing each moment. There's something about them that lends them very quickly towards this militarization process.

Mallory 12:18

Right, like it's easy to trade one dictator for another one.

Kat 12:21

Because the structure of the colonies is already so not necessarily militaristic, but -

Caitlin 12:27

- authoritarian, maybe?

Kat 12:28

Yeah.

Caitlin 12:29

Just, just because like in order to keep a colony running, you have to have sort of an unquestioning -

Mallory 12:34

- like a really strong hierarchy

Caitlin 12:36

Right, because if somebody starts questioning their orders, you could destroy the colony.

Kat 12:41

When Quatre is, puts his actual Gundam inside the colony and is like, "colonies don't need things like this!" about a ferris wheel -

Mallory 12:49

Right, or a playground.

Kat 12:50

I feel like that's sort of underscores that that idea of like, colonies for one thing versus another thing, like the way people view the utility of colonies.

Cathy 12:59

Yeah, and one thing to remember is that most of the population that are on the colonies are technicians and workers. So it's already built in, I think, to their history.

Caitlin 13:11

So one thing that came to mind for me was that we know the colonies are mostly laborers, and mostly people who are working very hard to stay alive in this very precarious space. But they need that entertainment, they need that fun in order to actually do their jobs. Whereas like Quatre's model, besides destroying the entire colonies, has been is now to reject anything to do with that, like, glorious joy of life. Like he's now like, switched entirely to being like, No, we only need war, we only need destruction, we only need work. I think it's also very poignant, because like he must have grown up in the colonies, he must have gone to places like that.

Mallory 13:53

But it felt out of character from the few, the previous episodes where he spends a lot of time saying like, but we were good to them. We we gave all these resources, we help people live and we wanted them to be happy and all of that, like we shared our resources and our wealth. And now he's like, Oh, they don't need these, like small pleasures! A Ferris wheel? Get out of here.

Caitlin 14:15

Right. I think that's, I think that's exactly why this is the form his psychosis has taken. It's because he has this idea that his family really helped the colonists and like made their lives better. And now now that he's entered his like, crazy mode, which I love, that he's like, No, we don't need to help them. We all, I don't care about them anymore.

Cathy 14:35

I love that scene where he rampages through the colonies and Caitlin knows that we had just finished watching Shin Godzilla. And

Kat 14:44

Oh!

Mallory 14:44

Mmm.

Cathy 14:45

- and this scene was extremely Godzilla-esque, right like, it really shows the sheer power and horror of how large the Gundams are and what they can do when you just want to be recklessly brutal and recklessly violent on anything and it is really, it's really interesting the kind of like care they take with this scene. Everything's quiet, there's no people, you just see this Gundam like, crushing things slowly, like destroying them, because Quatre wants to destroy them. And it's really good.

Caitlin 15:21

You get really good shots of the colony's slope because like, those the colonies are curved and this is one of the distinctive things that makes you know that they're in a colony is that you can see like the city like rising up behind you because it's, it's circular or it's a loop. And so you get this sort of like extremely enclosed space that like because the colonies are shaped the way they are, it, it feels like they're, they're both spacious and claustrophobic. And so that that giant Gundam being there really interrupts the space. It really like, disrupts the perspective.

Kat 15:42

The animation overall, was I think, better. It like, it seems like slowly the budget is increasing, or... Everybody looked great enough.

Caitlin 16:04

It's Episode 24ish. So they're, this is like the season finale. Sort of.

Kat 16:10

Oh, true.

Mallory 16:11

Right. So they're pulling out all the stops.

Caitlin 16:12

Yeah, so they've saved money for this.

Cathy 16:15

I think a really fun thing about Episode 24, especially the animation, is I think how carefully they construct it. Like you start off with this frame of what you slowly realize is a colony outpost, and it looks like this hideous floating horror thing with like tubes coming out of it and it's like vaguely alien and vaguely tentacled. And then this menacing shadow comes and you know, you can tell immediately that it's Wing Gundam. But because you don't see into the cockpit like you almost always do when a Gundam appears on screen, you don't know who's in it, and it feels very supernatural? like a vengeful ghost? And then it destroys this outpost. You spend that whole time as the audience thinking, Who is it? Who is it, it can't be Heero, you know, it's not Heero. And then that wonderful shot of Quatre, the utter silence as he breathes, and then they slowly reveal his eye. Like, that... Not only was the animation amazing, but just like this cinematic quality of that opening sequence. It just felt like a slasher film. It was so good,

Caitlin 17:22

So good.

Mallory 17:23

The pacing of that scene is so good. Like, I had really no idea what to expect. So when you see like the shuttle approaching, and then the music starts and it transforms into a Gundam and you're like, Oh my god, this is so cool! I'm 31 years old and this is still so cool to me! This would have blown my mind.

Caitlin 17:45

Did you know about like the Quatre-goes-crazy plot.

Mallory 17:48

I did know that Quatre has a turn but I didn't know that he goes crazy.

Kat 17:53

We managed to not spoil it this entire time.

Caitlin 17:56

That's really exciting.

Mallory 17:57

Look, I thought he was dying of space tuberculosis, so.

Cathy 17:59

He could, he could still be dying of space tuberculous

Caitlin 18:03

I have convinced several people that that is canon. [laughter]

Mallory 18:08

So basically, we're just making up our own canon.

Caitlin 18:12

Yes, as we do in fanfiction as well. I do remember like, there being like a genre of fanfic that sort of talked about Quatre's like, crazy phase. But then a lot of the like basic, 3x4 stuff would, would sort of gloss over it. [laughs] Just because it's a little bit too dark to deal with, for your happy flute playing romances.

Mallory 18:36

I started reading one and just, I was like, Oh, no, this is too dark. I don't, this isn't the Quatre that I want, shoo. Not my Quatre. So I avoided those.

Caitlin 18:46

And it's too bad because there's a lot of good three times for evidence sort of in these episodes where you have like, yeah, Trowa's the one who really believes in Quatre. He's the one who says, "Oh, if it's Quatre, we're we're gonna to be okay. He's an ally. He's, you know, my boyfriend from the, from the desert." [laughter]

Mallory 19:04

Like, he just, he spends the whole first part of the episode just wanting to get to Quatre. Like, "I'm ready to go meet my space boyfriend."

Kat 19:12

"It has to be Quatre and he's going to be on our side, and he's going to help us defeat OZ and everything is going to be great!"

Mallory 19:18

And Heero has to be like "Oh, hold on. He just -- D-didn't you just see him destroy a colony? Like he might not be the dude you know. It's been a while since you play violins with him."

Caitlin 19:29

What's funny to me is that we know, the audience, we know that Quatre has gone crazy because of, probably because of what we saw with his dad and his sister and all of that. We sort of remember that. But nobody else has any has any awareness of that. Like did it not play on like, the news or on like the radio or anything, that this major like colony financer was killed in like a horrific terrorist incident where he self-destructed a colony or a satellite? Like nobody else knows.

Unknown Speaker 19:58

As it turns out his son is one of the five major terrorists that we consider the number one threat to the colony safety?

Caitlin 20:05

Yeah, it's like, it's like everything that happened in that situation is totally separate from the rest of the colonies. Right now.

Mallory 20:11

Right. But if OZ doesn't want people to know about it, then OZ just simply won't tell people about it. And so nobody would know.

Unknown Speaker 20:19

I think that Une would know and then maybe Trowa would know, right?

Mallory 20:24

Maybe Une is keeping it close

Kat 20:26

True.

Mallory 20:26

to the chest.

Caitlin 20:28

And so Zayeed Winner's sacrifice was all for nothing, which is what we thought when it happened.

Mallory 20:35

Completely unnoticed.

Caitlin 20:37

Yeah, nobody even knows.

Mallory 20:39

I had a question about a shot on screen where you see the.. each Gundam pilot matched with their engineer.

Cathy 20:48

Yes!

Mallory 20:48

And I couldn't tell, is that an OZ record? Is that just the show reminding me that Quatre is the only one of these four that is unaccounted for? Like I really couldn't tell.

Cathy 21:01

I think it's an OZ record, and what is really also funny about it is, I don't understand why they would know... I guess they matched each of the scientists to the Gundam they developed so that's how they're perfectly in number order? But it was, it was really interesting. It was another one of those moments that felt vaguely like horror-esque. You know, like when you're trying to find the killer and you go through and you like, find a yearbook or group picture and all the pictures have been slashed, and you leave just one.

Mallory 21:28

Oh my god yes!

Cathy 21:28

And that one is Quatre. [laughter] And like that's how I felt about that scene. [laughter]

Unknown Speaker 21:32

Oh my god, he's even like sent in the like specs for Sandrock, so he could put a little signature on it.

Caitlin 21:40

Yeah, it's clearly him. I don't think he's trying to cover that.

Cathy 21:44

No, no, no, he's not.

Caitlin 21:45

But they don't, they don't even know who he is. They don't know who the pilot of 04 is. Like that's the point, they don't have his picture.

Kat 21:52

They didn't realize that it was the Maguanac Corps.

Cathy 21:55

But I don't think they have a picture of Quatre... Which is kind of weird because I feel like shouldn't the son of the Winner family have a record somewhere?

Caitlin 22:04

I think they don't know that it's him. I think they don't know it's the son of the Winner family. Otherwise, they'd have the picture. He's the most prominent person out of the pilots. [laughter] He's the only one who had who would have existing photographs.

Kat 22:15

Well, you think somebody would have noticed Trowa Barton saying his name is Trowa Barton right since that family tree...

Mallory 22:21

Speaking of Trowa Barton though, I do want to talk about how he's the MVP of these episodes, because he's the only one doing anything of sort of strategic usefulness?

Kat 22:32

Okay, Duo tried

Mallory 22:33

Well Duo tries, yes.

Caitlin 22:35

Wufei tries!

Mallory 22:36

Okay,

Caitlin 22:37

I know that everybody is a Trowa fan. But let's, let's stop with the Trowa exceptionalism.

Mallory 22:44

Wow

Caitlin 22:44

Everybody is doing their best

Mallory 22:46

Trowa is in a spot where he like, he's in a high ranking spot in OZ, he is so trusted by Une that he gets Heero to be allowed to pilot the Mercurius because Trowa's going to be controlling him. And he's feeding the engineers information and like finding things out.

Caitlin 23:03

He's just lucked into that spot. And he's doing the best he can. Anyone would do the same in his position,

Mallory 23:09

But like, nobody else did that though.

Caitlin 23:12

Duo tried. [laughs]

Mallory 23:15

Well, very, unsuccessfully. Very stylishly, but unsuccessfully.

Unknown Speaker 23:19

Wufei's big plan was to get captured. [laughter]

Cathy 23:23

It worked!

Caitlin 23:25

Waitwaitwait, I think the capturing is an actual plan, like I feel like Wufei's received a mission from somebody. I was assuming that the scientists are still sending out missions to get them to all get captured, so they can give, give them their Gundams back,

Cathy 23:39

I think Wu Fei

Kat 23:41

No, Wufei got captured because he wanted to be taken to a place where he could destroy Treize.

Caitlin 23:46

I think that's just what he thinks, like he still had a mission, right? He was he was given some instructions.

Kat 23:52

I thought he was working on his own and sort of like, "Oh, well, this seems like a strategic place that I should be."

Cathy 23:57

I agree with Mallory, and that's why he's going around because remember, he attacks the Barge during Lady Une's weird thing.

Caitlin 24:03

Duo had a mission too, right? Duo it was given some instructions at some point.

Cathy 24:08

When?

Caitlin 24:08

I feel like Duo at least in these episodes, there was some line about how you're, Heero says to him something like, "Oh, you you tried to complete your mission."

Cathy 24:18

I think it was metaphorical. Like I think Heero means, "Oh, you came here with an objective. And you didn't meet it."

Kat 24:23

Agree.

Cathy 24:24

Yeah. And I always thought that was kind of funny, because I wasn't sure if he was being ironic, or if he was seriously asking this question. Like, I was wondering if it was like, "Well, clearly, you're here."

Caitlin 24:33

Wait, I definitely thought that somebody was manipulating them to get captured. Like I thought that that was, this was a plan.

Cathy 24:38

My understanding was that they're all there because they know that the lunar base is like a big manufacturing center and core for OZ.

Kat 24:45

For mobile dolls, yeah.

Caitlin 24:46

Right. No, I mean, like there's, so there's their choices. And they're there to blow up the lunar base in their minds, but they've received instructions about that from somebody and the real goal of those instructions was to get them in the same place so they could get back with their Gundam.

Kat 25:02

No.

Mallory 25:03

No.

Cathy 25:03

I disagree.

Caitlin 25:04

Okay, then they just really lucked into that.

Cathy 25:05

Yeah.

Cathy 25:06

I was assinging them much more strategic planning

Kat 25:08

'cause I don't even think there was like a full lunar base when Wufei got captured. He was literally just like, "Where might Treize be? This is a good try." But I think they're all independent actors who all... like Duo was there to destroy the base. I think Heero was there to kill the scientists.

Cathy 25:24

Yeah.

Kat 25:24

So they couldn't be forced into working for OZ.

Mallory 25:26

Exactly

Kat 25:26

He sort of assumed that's what Duo was trying to do. But Duo was just there to bomb the base.

Mallory 25:31

Right? And so his joke is, to him it's funny, like, "Oh, you came to do this too and you failed?"

Cathy 25:37

Yes exactly! [laughter]

Mallory 25:39

And Duo's like, "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

Cathy 25:41

Well I thought it was really funny but I wasn't sure cuz he delivered the line so deadpan. Like, there was like no, there was like no joke emotions. Like it was just like, "you botched your mission. You tried to kill them. And you didn't." I was like, are you? Is this funny?

Kat 25:55

He's making a lot of like those jokes when Wufei's like, "Oh, do you think they're gonna let us test out the suits?" and he's like, "maybe as the target." [laughter]

Cathy 26:03

Oh god that's true, he's actually really funny.

Kat 26:05

The mysteries and vagaries of Heero Yuy.

Cathy 26:07

I really thought that I would have a better grasp on his character as like a 32 year old person but I'm watching this [laughs] and I'm still like, I feel like Duo in a fanfic like, "is he joking? Is he serious? Does he like me?"

Cathy 26:18

[laughter] Like that's how I feel about Heero in these two episodes.

Mallory 26:21

"What does that smirk mean?

Caitlin 26:24

Wait, I had one more Quatre point, which was that his voice actress who is Orikasa Ai was really crushing it these episodes.

Cathy 26:32

Yes!

Mallory 26:33

Yeah!

Caitlin 26:34

This sort of like dead cheerful baby voice? He sounds really innocent and pure. But also, like he's about to kill a bunch of people.

Cathy 26:42

Yes. And especially there is a line where he says, "Oh, you're afraid of dying, aren't you?" Which was so chilling.

Mallory 26:52

I do want to talk about this because last episode, I brought up that there's a lot of talk of the noble sacrifice. And I feel like in these episodes, there's just, it is hammered over and over and over, you have to be willing to die for your mission. You shouldn't be afraid of dying, or why the hell are you fighting? It just seems like there's just this constant sort of theme of being willing to lay down your life for "the mission," you know, at the back of my mind, like, what are we teaching kids that you should be willing to die for your work and your job? [laughter]

Kat 27:31

Like, bringing some feelings to this episode.

Mallory 27:34

Like maybe I'm projecting here, but

Caitlin 27:35

Do you mean like Japanese children watching the show or like the kids in Gundam?

Mallory 27:40

No I mean, like, in general, what is the message that this show is sending to kids? You know, because I talk a lot about how I think I would have related to Heero being like, "oh, I've messed up now I'm going to die." But like, that isn't really healthy. I guess I'm I'm just wrestling with this as the show goes on because I keep noticing it over and over the idea of the noble sacrifice and how that is like something that you should be willing to do if you are passionate enough, or you feel enough for your cause.

Kat 28:14

It's also very tied into the idea of being like a noble warrior, which keeps coming up, it's like, to me, those two things are very intertwined. And when we hear like Heero going, like, "space is crazy, I'll just keep fighting and believing in myself." It's not that he will believe in himself, he will keep fighting.

Caitlin 28:34

I think that it's trying to show that this is the attitude you develop in war. That fostering these beliefs in young child soldiers is bad, and ultimately leads to a society that just perpetuates war because it's the only thing that the people involved can understand. And that ultimately, the goal of the show is to find a way out of that thing. That's the common Gundam universe theme is this, like, how the war machine like perpetuates itself and creates like this situation where you can never escape like an eternal war. I think it draws a lot on currents of like Japanese pacifism, and the idea of like, going against the Japanese militaristic approach of like, you must sacrifice everything for the country, for Japan. In order to like be a true citizen, you have to give up everything. Because that's very much like the military propaganda that was fed to the citizens during World War II and that feeds into the creation of the original Gundam and gets sort of like complicated, watered down in some ways, but also sort of like typified? :ike turned into a such like a, like a rote recitation of a theme in later versions of Gundam that it's not always fully articulated. So I think Gundam Wing is sort of in between those where it's like, it's dealing with that like sacrificial concept. I think it wants to say, "No, there's a better way." But we haven't yet gotten to the point where it's like, "there is a better way."

Cathy 30:15

The term that I keep coming back to is like the Japanese concept of junjou, which is like sort of pure-hearted, like a pseudo naive kind of feeling. A lot of child characters in this show are just so pure-hearted, that they don't have any way out, to what Caitlin was saying, other than just throwing their bodies and their lives into it? Like they're given no mechanisms to have any other agency or express their feelings or be able to achieve the goals that they want. And they're so pure of heart that they get essentially taken advantage of, and warped into thinking that the only way into it is to sacrifice their bodies. And I think like Hilde is a great example of this here and I think that's also why Duo says to her, "that you remind me a lot of when I first came down to earth," because when he first came down to earth, the only thing he felt like he had was his ability to pilot this Gundam and sacrifice him and his Gundam to serve the cause of why he dropped as part of Operation Meteor, and Hilde is the same way, you know, she feels like the only way that she can solve solve the issue with the colonies is essentially to throw herself into this war machine and give her whole life to it because what else does she have

Kat 31:25

When Hilde at the end defects, but then says the same thing like, "I am ready to die for my cause," she still has this enthusiasm and has decided that there could be a different path but that different path is still just fighting? which I like. I mean, I like that it's it's complicated and thorny

Cathy 31:41

To me, I don't really know if the die or not dying is good or bad. Like I don't know if the show is actually trying to comment on that at all. It's almost just like a shorthand to what you're saying Caitlin earlier ,to demonstrate that they really care about pacifism. Like that's really what this whole "I'm willing to die for my cause" thing is trying to say.

Caitlin 31:58

No, I think this is a really good point. Like a lot of it is like the show performing these sort of like typical archetypes, these typical themes in a way that the fans will recognize.

Kat 32:11

So I did want to talk about 2x5, only because we've been talking about 2x5 this whole time

Caitlin 32:17

Yes

Kat 32:17

And this the first time they've really gotten to hang out.

Caitlin 32:19

There's very little interaction you guys. I feel like I live in like a desert where I am just fantasizing 2x5, like did I hallucinate the whole thing?

Mallory 32:29

Yeah, it, was it a mirage?

Cathy 32:30

I had that exact same feeling, and then I remembered that this bit actually continues on and we are actually thinking of stuff that happens in Episode 25, so

Caitlin 32:39

Yeah

Cathy 32:40

there's for next time.

Caitlin 32:42

Let's rehearse the 2x5 section that we got, which is Duo and Wufei are trapped in a cell together, while Heero and Trowa are going to do things, like, that's a fic!

Mallory 32:53

As they're running out of air!

Caitlin 32:55

Yes!

Mallory 32:55

And Duo is complaining and panicking and Wufei is just like, "I need to shut you up and the only way to shut you up is to kiss you." That's what happened after the cutscene.

Cathy 33:04

Yeah, that's actually what happened [crosstalk, laughter]

Cathy 33:05

That happened in the episode.

Caitlin 33:06

I remember that.

Kat 33:07

Yeah, you're actually psychic. Wow.

Caitlin 33:11

It's just good. They're, they're a good pairing because Wufei's kind of an ass

Kat 33:16

Well Duo looked amazing. And it was really nice to see them hang out. His braid: great. Getting beat to shit: great.

Caitlin 33:24

Duo's voice actor Seki Toshihiko: really great these episodes, very charming [crosstalk]

Caitlin 33:25

Wufei's voice actor's also very good I think and I think that he's underrated. Ishino Ryuzou, I think.

Cathy 33:33

I think he's amazing, because you can tell, he's radiating in every single second of his lines, "Shut up Duo," but never actually says it.

Caitlin 33:45

And then I also found out that Midorikawa Hikaru who plays Heero had originally auditioned for Wufei.

Cathy 33:52

Oh that's interesting.

Caitlin 33:53

Which I think would have been maybe a misfit. He auditioned for both Wufei and for Heero, but he didn't think that he'd get the lead role.

Kat 34:01

I think we're now at the point where it's time to pivot.

Caitlin 34:04

Yes

Kat 34:05

to this podcast's fandom artifact. So Quatre flipping out and blowing stuff up. And then sort of dealing/not dealing with his trauma in the middle of space makes its way into Toonami promo, which was haunting me until Cathy came through and knew exactly which one I was talking about, so. You've heard us talk about the Toonami promos and commercials before on the podcast so I'm gonna kinda split this up into one, there's the pre-airing, like two and a half minute trailer:

Toonami Promo 34:40

[rocket engine noises, space noises] In the distant future, mankind has reached the stars, but the galaxy is troubled.

Kat 34:48

[the commercial is still playing quietly, you can hear yelling and more narration] Which was like so popular that Bandai took it to use to promote it in Japan. And they were like, so happy with how like the Toonami people created the promos for it that they were like, yeah, you can run some other Gundam too.

Toonami Promo 35:02

[The sound of a Gundam laser weapon] Narrator: Battles are waged with mobile suits, the key to military dominance. [the commercial fades but is still playing quietly, you can hear muffled narration and sound effects]

Kat 35:14

People have managed to remaster a lot of the Toonami bunkers and stuff because anime nostalgia cannot be beaten.

Caitlin 35:14

That's what runs this podcast.

Kat 35:24

[the beginning of another promo begins, quietly underneath] It's 100% true. But the promo that I was thinking about was not the long promo, but it was called "Spaces is the Place."

Toonami Promo 35:25

[lo-fi beats begin, with a guitar riff] Narrator: Human beings leave Earth.

Toonami Promo 35:27

Quatre: To outer space, every one of us! [fades but contious to play, the music audible]

Kat 35:29

And it's of part of a series of promos that Toonami did that sort of combined shots from different shows, to kind of create themes.

Toonami Promo 35:30

Women's voice: It'll be, it'll be dangerous

Toonami Promo 35:30

Lady Une: Commence operation!

Toonami Promo 35:31

Man's voice: We'll commence operation in six seconds [?]

Kat 35:32

But Cathy, you have some good thoughts on it so I want you to talk about Space is the Place.

Cathy 35:46

[promo continues to play -- battle noises and yelling over more low-fi music] Well, so this should really go in the canon of anime music videos. I don't think we talked about it enough. I really wish we knew who edited it, because it's just this perfect pairing of all these disparate stories to like form this one coherence, really cool narrative that manages to say something without ever saying anything. [laughs]

Cathy 36:08

And they have that moment with Quatre breathing.

Toonami Promo 36:19

[Quatre panting heavily, a low thrum the only other sound]

Cathy 36:20

And I have never forgotten it.

Caitlin 36:21

[low music continues with long chords played by brass instruments, then speaking] What ,what it's basically like, what this reads to me as is like they have like, it's, the characters are essentially Gundam characters, and they fleshed out the Gundam Wing world with all these other like space shots. So it's addressing our complaint that we don't get enough space colony [laughs] in Gundam Wing, like it's like an it's like an alternate universe vid where they've like created more of a, of a world around a particular set of characters.

Mallory 36:51

Yeah, I mean, I like them because, you know, as a kid watching Toonami, but not really ever catching those shows, because that's just not where I was, like, I saw those promos a lot. And they told me exactly what I needed to know, but actually didn't tell me anything about the show at all.

Caitlin 37:08

Yes!

Mallory 37:09

Like absolutely nothing. But it left me with a really good impression of what Gundam Wing was like.

Caitlin 37:15

One of the things that is like, kind of a kind of an issue in, like Media Studies, film studies, like trying to analyze film or anime or TV shows as texts is that when you analyze them in isolation from their viewing contexts, you lose a lot of what was going on in terms of their interpretation. So like, I mean, with film, obviously, you can talk about the audience and going into theater and the theatrical space. But with TV, you especially lose this sort of programming flow is like the like, the concept that's often brought up. It's like this idea that you have programs moving into each other. With Toonami, you have a block of programming, so there's all this marketing around the block. You lose the commercials. So it's very hard to sort of like, analyze a show in isolation, which is why I'm glad we talk about things like Toonami's Space is the Place because it's part of it's part of the context of how we were watching it, and how we watch TV, TV back then.

Cathy 38:16

And for those of you who didn't watch the Toonami block, you know, the host of Toonami was, [sigh] it was either an alien or

Caitlin 38:23

TOM

Cathy 38:23

TOM, I don't know what TOM

Cathy 38:25

He was a robot.

Cathy 38:25

was a robot or an alien or something like that. And

Kat 38:28

He was a robot, he lived in a space station.

Cathy 38:29

Yes. And so that's the other thing about Space is the Place is that it wasn't just about the shows that were on Toonami, in a way it was discussing

Caitlin 38:38

Yeah

Cathy 38:38

the whole meta universe of Toonami. And the story behind Toonami. I mean, rather famously in around 2000, they had an invader of the total immersion event come in and kill TOM.

Caitlin 38:52

Yes!

Cathy 38:52

And so we had a new host TOM II, so this whole idea of like Space is the Place, going into space, discovering these new things, you know, that that was speaking to the cohesiveness of that whole Toonami universe that we were living in as we watched it if you caught that block while it was broadcasting on TV. so when I watched this, you know, I'm not only seeing Gundam Wing, I am seeing all these other series and that host and his voice and the animation at that time.

Kat 39:23

Shout out to the voice of TOM who is Steven Blum who is a great American voice actor

Mallory 39:29

Yes,

Kat 39:29

Spike Spiegel.

Caitlin 39:30

Always been great. These extra programming touches like Tom, like the space station, like these music videos. They not only were they like, absorbing us in a world that we continue to want to see to keep us watching. But it also always signaled to me that there were like, fans behind the construction? Like at the very least sci fi fans, if not explicitly just anime fans.

Kat 39:56

There's a good interview on IGN that came out this year with Jason DeMarco, who is, he's currently the Senior Vice President and creative director for Adult Swim. But at the time, he was working for Toonami and he was the one who wrote and cut the trailer before Gundam Wing aired. And he wanted to create like a cinematic film trailer, like, kind of elevate it from what they were doing to something that was really like epic. And he's definitely a giant robot anime fan. I will also link this interview, but I think it's really interesting to see kind of the fans that were working in the background, he talks about how you have to get fansubs at conventions and stuff. So you know, he's, he's got that sort of similar anime background. He also talks a little bit about how they had to edit Gundam Wing for the daytime block and how the unedited version was sort of the prequel to the Adult Swim block. [quiet midi music of "Just Communication" beginning to play] So Toonami itself changed a lot about the whole environment of animation and how that's played on television, I think in America. [midi drum break as the volume increases.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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