I think one of the most important aspects of the c!tntduo dynamic is that at the end of the day, they’re both just a couple of losers

I think a lot about the Concept of ‘choices that matter’ in video games. Like, in terms of what it is that makes a choice ‘really matter’, what do we perceive as a choice that matters or has a consequence, how do different games with different amounts of branching or non-branching storylines play with those ideas…  Especially because Undertale is one of my favorite games of all time, and it has often been hyped as ‘a game where your choices REALLY matter’ and… honestly, I dunno if all of this hype was fully conducive to Undertale.  Because the way it handles the concept of Video Game Choices is actually a lot more interesting and complex than that simplistic descriptor makes it seem.

Because Undertale actually has a lot of choices that ‘don’t really matter’! Lots of dialogue choices and silly little decisions that on a first playthrough seem like they’re some sort of moral choice or a branching plotline but end up always leading to basically the same result regardless of what you do!

And the game doesn’t really try to hide the fact that these choices are kinda 'Fake'. I mean, on a first playthrough a player might assume there’s gonna be some Massive Consequences for picking the ‘wrong’ drink on Undyne’s date, but the game’s narrative expects for there to be multiple playthroughs and pretty much every Choice that Doesn’t Matter is peppered with that Undertale brand of wacky character-focused humor that inherently makes the moment memorable. Papyrus leading Undyne straight to you no matter what you do is basically a cross-timeline running gag.

On some level I see this as a sort of gag that serves as meta-commentary about the expectations around Choices That Matter in Video Games. As in, a lot of games have their Moral Choices happen in clearly easily marked ‘this is a Moral Choice!’ moments within the story, while the actual gameplay (and any violence the player might cause as part of said gameplay) is basically entirely divorced from any element of narrative-branching and doesn't effect the story at all. Undertale basically entirely inverts this dynamic; the most important factor for which Route you’re own is how you handle your FIGHTs, and what seems like clearly-marked and obvious Moral Choices are just goofy insubstantial minor changes in dialogue. 

But also… there is also a level where you must ask yourself ‘what does it mean when we say that these choices Don’t Matter’. I mean, it’s not like they didn't change anything about the game, the Player still made the character say that other thing, the choice probably led to an alternate piece of dialogue, probably a joke with a call-back at the end of the game… The line between a one-off joke and an actual story-changing moment can be a little blurry if you look at it too deeply.

For example, near the end of the Waterfall part of the game, the Player is given the choice to save Monster Kid even at the risk of having to face down Undyne.

Pretty much anyone who isn’t deliberately trying to be an asshole is going to rush to save them and obviously that includes the Pacifist Route Players. But you can actually leave Monster Kid to die without it 'mattering' in the sense that it wouldn't divert you from the Pacifist Route. Undyne saves them instead of you, and ends up with slightly less HP for her battle (which might Matter for Runs when you try and FIGHT her but obviously not in Pacifist Runs) and… by the end of the game, during the extremely happy True Pacifist Ending, they still clearly remember that you abandoned them and are upset by it.

So… does saving Monster Kid ‘matter’ or not? On one hand, choosing not to save them mostly just changes a few lines of dialogue but… these lines of dialogue kinda recontextualize this happy ending and the Player’s actions in general. Despite the True Pacifist Ending otherwise portraying the Player/Frisk as a kind-hearted and brave hero... they still did this undeniably cowardly (and perhaps even cruel) act to one of their friends .

Was running away and leaving Monster Kid to die a brief but significant moment of weakness that the Player regrets and has cost them what could’ve been the start of a lovely friendship? Or is that simply that being a True Pacifist was always more of a matter of pragmatism rather than ideals? Were they only acting as a Pacifist to get that promised 'Best Ending', and only Monster Kid has an inkling they are not as heroic or kind as everyone thinks they are?

And then there’s the Snowman ‘quest’.

A free healing item given early in the game, with your mission being to carry it along in your inventory for as long as you can without ever consuming it. The only reward you will ever see from it is a few lines of dialogue…

But for many, it is more than enough of an incentive to preserve the Snowman’s Piece. You can do whatever you want with the Snowman without it ‘mattering’ in terms of Ending or consequences. You could carry it through all of your adventures with care and kindness... or you could eat it while he can’t see you and then go back to him and tell him that you ‘lost’ it and then get another piece and eat that as well, you could eat it right in front of his face, horrifying him. 

And much like with Monster Kid, you can STILL get the True Pacifist Ending after doing that, all that would change is a few optional pieces of dialogue from the Snowman… 

And a total recontextualization of the Player’s behavior and the ending. The Snowman sees the Player as a cruel and heartless person who is just pretending to be good so they can be liked - the way they acted with this immobile, powerless Snowman who could do nothing for them and their reputation reveals their true self. And he says their friends will realize that too one day...

Doing a True Reset on the Pacifist Ending is, by definition, a (almost) consequence-free action and yet it changes future Pacifist Routes immeasurably. Turning the Player into a Hypocrite doing the exact same thing they were trying to stop Flowey/Asriel from doing - trapping all of their friends into a time-loop so they can play with them forever while never actually letting them to enjoy freedom on the surface, simply because they are not willing to move on or put their friends' wishes and agency above their own. Nothing in the game actually changes, not one character can even suspect that you did something like that, and yet for the Player - this choice makes the entire Meaning of the game flip on its head. 

Even the most famous and heavily-toted Big Consequence in the whole game - selling your soul to Chara after completing a Murder Route… mostly what it does is just… recontextualize the ending of the Game.

As a game, ‘Undertale’ is very much about the ways in which a Player engages with a game can radically recontextualize it. The huge chasm of difference between the Pacifist and Muder Routes is just the most literal example of it. But, in a way, even the tiny little Dialogue Options - where the lack of real choice and consequences is Obviously a Joke - matter. Because of the way they can recontextualize the Player Character’s behavior.

(Okay, maybe not this one, but hear me out…)

Do you trust Papyrus to not betray you, even after you spied on him with Undyne?

Do you have the integrity to admit you forgot something or got it wrong even when there’s no consequences for just lying about it?

Are you a hypocrite for trying to get Alphys to be truthful with Undyne only to then immediately turn around and lie to Undyne yourself?  

None of these choices matter for the ending, some of them don’t even get, like, a call-back joke or anything, but… if you are engaged in this story as a narrative, if you are invested in these characters as if they were people, if you are honestly trying to be the best person you can be, if you are trying to self-reflect at the way you approach this game… even the silliest little dialogue option can suddenly be imbued with deep implications and you can make them matter. 

Undertale is one of the best demonstrations of this concept, but this is absolutely not exclusive to it. For example….

‘Ace Attorney’ is pretty much as far away as you can get from a ‘branching narrative’ within the video game sphere. It is a heavily-linear Visual Novel where 70% of the time it won’t even let you talk to random characters at anything but the exact order it expects you to and any ‘Bad Endings’ are basically just glorified Game Over Screens. (... because this is the Internet and something something piss on the poor, I should probably specify that I am talking about ‘Ace Attorney’ because I love Ace Attorney and these are neutral descriptions of the game and not complaints. There’s nothing wrong with a game being linear.) 

If there’s any Dialogue Choice in AA, it’s generally a very basic ‘right answer-wrong answer’ choice between Progress and a Penalty, or a total non-choice that just gets you to the same final result regardless. Except… Well… as we just talked about, getting to the same final result doesn’t necessarily mean a choice is ‘meaningless’, does it?

There’s actually a lot of great storytelling moments where Ace Attorney, despite its otherwise strict linearity, uses this exact sort of recontextualizing mindset I’ve talked about with Undertale to make choices with some really powerful emotional impact…. Even if technically, the ending is the same ending. It can be something as basic as ‘even if picking this Wrong Answer doesn’t get me a penalty, it still embarrassed my character and disappointed my friends/rivals and thus I feel bad for picking it’. Consequences as recontextualizing your character as more incompetent than they should’ve come across at that moment.

And then there’s moments like the iconic ending of ‘Justice for All’. That moment before Franziska bursts into the Courtroom with the case-making evidence and saves the day. The moment where it seems like Phoenix really is gonna have to pick between protecting his best friend and carrying out a rightful sentence.

The player gets to pick between the two options, but Phoenix never gets to say his choice out loud before Franziska comes running in... and yet… he, and the player, still made that choice. Even if no one ever has to experience the consequences of your choice, even if the rest of the world has no idea what Phoenix Wright would’ve chosen if the Miracle hadn’t happened, we know what we picked and that knowledge of the choice matters. Because of how we feel about this choice and what it says about our interpretation of Phoenix… and about us.

There’s also a bit of this ludonarrative device in ‘The Great Ace Attorney: Adventures’. During “The Adventures of the Runaway Room”, when you investigate the Omnibus for the second time and start finding things that… don’t quite fit together. When you’re finally starting to make progress with proving McGilded’s innocence, while also maybe starting to notice that something is… wrong with these pieces of evidence. 

The unchanging linear narrative of the game is that Ryunosuke does eventually realizes McGilded's trickery, puts truth ahead of victory in court and yet, despite his effort and good intentions - the case still ends with a false Not Guilty verdict. And yet, the Player has the choice to... tweak the details.

There are several points where Ryunosuke can object, where he can call out the inconsistencies even though they help his case, where he can support Van Zieks in his accusations of tempered evidence... or he can not. Not necessarily intentionally misleading the Court as much as subconsciously trying to ignore the inconsistencies in the name of trusting his client.

And yet… in the end it doesn’t matter. Maybe Susato calls out the inconsistency instead of him, maybe Van Zieks does, maybe it remains uncontested but... no matter what you do, the case will end with a Not Guilty verdict (I mean, I guess you can deliberately fail the game but that will not progress the plot), McGilded doesn’t seem like he held a grudge (in the few minutes he had left to live), and a few cases later - Ryunosuke would always be punished for his part at this false verdict.

So it doesn’t really matter what Ryunosuke did back then? Does it matter if he did his best and called out every single inconsistencies or if he kinda half-assed it until he (and the Player) had to? He’s still going to suffer the same consequences down the line. And yet….

And yet, I think there’s something so powerful about giving us that option. About knowing that Ryunosuke, and we, did try and do something about McGilded's dirty tricks- even if it didn’t work. Or alternative, knowing that there was more that Ryunosuke and us could’ve done even if it was not nearly enough. Even if in the eyes of the game and the British Justice system there is no difference, the fact that we know what did and what we could’ve done can radically change the way the player feels about all of the later scenes concerning the truth about McGilded’s trial. It can radically change the way the player interpret Ryunosuke’s feelings about it as well.

Because even though the game itself keeps playing along with the same script regardless, that trial had irrevocable consequences for the Player.

since everyone refuses to keep comparing me to ashe bradley... that wicked man..... i am here to explain our similarities and differences. i am sure that you will find that ashe and i are in fact complete opposites, and nothing like each other.

similar

- we both have little sibling who we hang out with a lot and have silly argument with

- we both wanted to be some sort of doctor at some point when we were younger (when i was in like 6th grade i wanted to be a psychologist.. not anymore though)

- generally considered smart by other people our age

- sometime help other people study + people ask for help with school

- read book

- both of our birthdays are on the 14th of their respective month

- wear chinese clothes (sometimes) (maybe)

- nosy

- want to know everything

- um ok maybe we have more in common than i thought

- can play the piano (i can play a little i want  to play more though)

- love pasta

- if my family died i would be very sad

- we both try to act without hesitate

- we both have a staring problem and probably stare too long at people

- aware of the fact that acting while only using your emotions/heart/feelings as reasoning can be a little foolish and can get you into serious trouble, however.... there is also difference here but i will say later

um okay actually that is a frightening amount in common BUT. ACTUALLY WE ARE OPPOSITES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND NOTHING SIMILAR. AND HERE IS WHY

- about emotions thing.. ashe uses his head and thinks very logically. however, usually i prefer to listen to my heart especially when making important decisions, and even though i know thinking emotionally rather than logically can and has caused me to hurt, i think listening to my gut feeling and my heart rather than my brain has also given me a lot of happiness and i just prefer to listen to it than use my head, even though that would probably save my heart, also it would make me feel really bad inside and anyway overall i just use my heart over my head majority of the time even though i know i probably shouldn’t i just can’t help it i love people too much

- umm

- anyways my hair short his hair long.. also i have black hair

- i do not research witches

- my eyes are not yellow

- i have 0 idea how to cook

- i dont know how to use knives

- unlike ashe who thinks people like claire and noel are dumb for using their heart over their head (haha) (sorry) i actually think that even though yeah it can be dumb to do that sometimes but also i think it’s a very emotionally strong move especially for like noel who KNOWS that he could just kill everyone except claire to grant his wish logically but who refuses to do so because it goes against his morals and his heart because i don’t think being kind to others and thinking in emotional terms rather than logical is an inherently stupid trait, yeah they can be dumb sometimes (especially claire..) but i think it speaks to their emotional strength that they’re able to listen to their hearts and are always kind and forgiving to others

- uhh

- my family is alive (i think)

- i OD NOT MURDER I PROMISE

- to be honest i’m not that smart.;. definitely not smart enough to plan out a whole murder like that

- in fact i’m a little stupid to be honest

- i am not that fast of a reader

- i prefer to look forward instead of towards the past.... but ashe... um

- he virgo i gemini

- he has difficulty trusting others because of what happened in his past however i trust very easily (arguably too easily) because i’m a little fool

- he was able to abandon his morals while trying to get his wish and my morals are always screaming at me everyday when i wake up.. however it’s not like i have a wish to grant so

- i don’t have any enemies to have homosexual tension with while ashe has like 2 ☹️

- his theme color is green and if i was in a game mine would probably be pink because its my favorite color

- I’m not from Colorado. It doesn’t exist. ITS NOT REAL

- hes way taller than me hes 5′10 and im like 5′0 

- he causes conflict with like everyone except claire throughout the whole game but i tend to click with people pretty easily.. i think unless everyones been lying to me 

- he’s 27 and i am not

i hope this is enough evidence to prove i am NOT ashe bradley. also sorry im not very good with words when talking about the emotions thing.. but yeah i have  lots of feelings about  claire and noel anyways I AM NOT ASHE BRADLEY. STOP ASSOCIATING ME WITH ASHE BRADLEY. I WILL NEVER BE HIM. 

Idk if I made it in time for requests so I'll send it in anyway feel free to delete if too late but headcannons of Yandere Malleus, Kalim and Leona with a darling who loves them back but is scared of being tied to royalty?

a/n: just a quick heads up- kalim isn’t royalty (i used to think he was like, the son of the sultan when i got into twst) like in the sense his family isn’t connected to the crown, however he is the heir to an incredibly powerful and influential family! it still works for the effects of being incredibly stressed to being connected to such important family- think of it as old money rich families- but just thought i’d give a heads up bc i don’t refer to him as royalty in this one. also i’m working off the assumption that the relationship is already like, happening because i don’t want to make these way longer than needed

warnings: general yandere themes, implied violence

❥ leona kingscholar

it all comes off as... almost mockery, really. it leaves a sour taste on his mouth- he can see how his darling tenses at his presence whenever his title is mentioned, how they seem to stress whenever leona’s brother writes about how he should bring his lover to the palace to meet him

it’s not them trying to make leona feel unappreciated or feared, but that’s what they do. he’s spent too long being compared to his brother, being whispered about by servants- it wouldn’t be too far off to say that he almost feels betrayed by his significant other because of this, even if their reluctance isn’t necessarily aimed at him

he isn’t above using pressure to keep them right by his side. royalty might be annoying, but it’s also pressuring and crushing. he knows better than anyone that his darling can easily crumple under it all, and he uses it for his own advantage before they can slink away from him

their face shown to the entire afterglow savannah. being presented to farena and his wife. cheka’s constant cheering and asking “when they’re gonna marry uncle leona”. he has no trouble taking his darling back home by telling them how excited farena is to see them- surely they aren’t about to disappoint the king, are they? and once there, it’s all in his ballcourt.

court manners, keeping up appearance, smile for the citizens, wave as leona puts his arm around their shoulder, try not to go pale and fall when farena introduces them as leona’s partner- this isn’t a marriage announcement, but it might as well be. after all, is it even possible to split off now...? now that everyone seems to think leona’s found his genuine love, that it’s a sweet love story of the ill tempered second prince falling in love with a no-name commoner and tossing aside traditions of royalty marrying royalty to bring them to his kingdom... it’s such a sweet story for everyone, except perhaps for the poor soul that’s trapped in the relationship with no exits

and oh, if pressure isn’t enough, then pain and threats surely will be. leona seems to easily pick his own desires over his darling’s comfort; after all, he so easily chose to shackle them to the relationship just because he feared their insecurities would cause them to leave. now that they’re effectively trapped to him by everyone’s gazes being in them, he just has to keep them docile and obedient, keep them from causing a scene. 

he’s careful enough not to bruise anywhere visible if he thinks punishment is needed; long gone are the days when he’d perhaps tolerate his darling not doing as he pleased, replaced by his seemingly unwavering intent to train them into absolute submission. it’s more so mortifying when he decides to drag their loved ones into the ordeal: perhaps they’re willing to withstand pain themselves, but would they want anything bad to happen to their beloved friends back at nrc, hm? 

“are you being cold to me? you should know better by now.” he isn’t necessarily angry, per se, but annoyed- by now they do know it’s already bad to have him in that mood. there’s an added danger of being back at nrc now that break is over; there’s no longer guards stationed outside the room, no longer the danger of cheka bursting in- which means leona has little to no reason to not be as horrible as he wants, provided he makes sure they can’t scream too loud beforehand. the bruises on their arms still hurt from being gripped too tightly last time he considered they weren’t behaving as affectionately as they should, and the memory immediately makes them tense. without even asking why he’s accusing them of being cold now, they apologize- meek, docile, spineless- and the grin on his face grows. perhaps they’d been to scared at the thought of being connected to royalty before and failed to realize it wasn’t leona’s connection to royalty what made a relationship with him dangerous: how many red flags had they missed before? how many of those quirks and things they chalked off to leona being a bit too possessive or territorial had been warning signs to this eventual outcome? dwelling on the past did nothing to soothe the pains of the present, though. “hmph, i don’t think i’m buying that apology. if you really want to get off without a punishment, put me in a good mood first. you can do that much, can’t you, herbivore?”

❥ kalim al-asim

sweet, innocent and cheerful kalim would seem like the sort of person who wouldn’t understand anxieties over being connected to a powerful family. he gives off such a bubbly and happy impression that such things would simply slip his mind

oh, but they don’t. he himself has suffered at being tied to his family- he’s been through enough attempted assassinations and kidnappings and poisonings that he’s almost de-sensitized to it all. he’s sunny, yes, but it’s almost surprising how cheery he is considering all he’s been through

perhaps that’s why he’s almost... sympathetic to his darling when he finally understands their plight. it’s a relief, really- it’s not that they don’t love him! he’s fine, they’re fine- it’s just a little bit of anxieties! 

he understands, really... it’s so scary to have people wanting to get rid of you. well, it’s different for him, because he’s lived this way all his life, but his darling hasn’t... it must be scary for them... kalim’s affection and his simple mind, combined with his love that runs a bit too deeply mix

good intentions or not, the result is nothing more than glorified imprisonment, really. it begins with him happily saying that he asked crowley for permission to get some guards from back home to come to nrc to make sure nobody tries to break into his darling’s dorm, to then kalim insisting they spend their nights in scarabia for added safety- it snowballs from there

don’t eat the cafeteria food if it hasn’t been poison tested! actually, don’t eat in the cafeteria at all, he’ll provide the food. they don’t have someone like jamil by their side, so try not to wander outside alone! in fact, always have him close if they go out, ok? 

... and of course, it ends up with maybe don’t leave the dorm, since it could be dangerous, and by then? it’s too late. kalim interpreted their anxiety as fear of dangers, because he’s put in danger because of his position, and so he seems to tell himself that as long as he keeps them safe everything is fine

even if they don’t want to do as he says, he’s just... keeping them safe. it’s his duty, as a good boyfriend, right? even if it’s painful to hear them cry from their room as he locks the door, even after he has to keep a chain on their ankle to keep them from trying to pick the lock... kalim doesn’t enjoy their pain, doesn’t relish in the sadism most nrc students seem to inherently have. but he still thinks he’s doing what he must to keep them safe: after all, wasn’t it them who were scared before...?

“i got you this, it reminded me of you! please, won’t you try it on? i’m sure it’ll look amazing on you, and it matches with me... oh, if you don’t like the colour of the gems i could get you another one, too!” kalim opens the box to  present a bracelet. it’s objectively a fine piece of art- surely it’s pure gold and carved jewels, a priceless piece that most could merely dream of even looking at through a glass display, and yet to kalim, there isn’t really a price too high for his lover. they’re his most beloved treasure; and he seems to protect them as such, too, if the chain connecting the cushined cuff on their ankle to the wall says anything. it’s covered in gold and long enough they can wander around the room, but a golden chain still remains a chain. it’s almost silly to think back on how this hell began, with them being anxious over being connected to such an affluent family as the asim family was- in fact, the threats of poisonings or kidnappings hadn’t even crossed their mind until kalim began to protect them from it. and now this was life- kalim seemed to willingly ignore every single time they tried to lash out, acting as if everything was fine, showering them with gifts as if new and expensive belongings could somehow soothe the loss of their freedoms. and maybe it was partly their fault too- after all, they let him put the bracelet on their wrist, let him cheer about how pretty they looked. it was so hard to lash out against him, despite him doing all of this- knowing that he genuinely had no bad intentions, that it was all born out of love and desire to protect, but they were still prisoners with no escape.

❥ malleus draconia

there’s nothing that malleus dreads more than being feared by his darling. that’s what sets them apart from others, what makes him so obsessed, to finally have found someone to show even an inkling of kindness to him, to show him a glimmer of warmth after a life of being feared, of being shunned

he... can’t understand. why are they scared of being tied into royalty? as he sees it, it’s a step up from their current life- power, riches, comfort, those are all things that people dream of, things men have gone to war over, things he can give them. malleus doesn’t seem to comprehend the pressure of it all to someone who’s simply never been involved with the crown- he’s never truly had friends outside of his parental figure or guards, always surrounded by those who work for the crown or are part of the court.

his frustration makes him turn to his instincts. he isn’t willing to lose his darling, not over something like this- even if in reality, he’d be unwilling to let go no matter the reason. what good is power and status if he can’t at least keep the one person he loves the most...? why would he not use said power to keep them by his side?

he seems to think that if he just pushes them headfirst into it, they’ll adjust. a sort of “rip the bandaid” method; they’re anxious over being tied to fae royalty, so why can’t he just show them it’s truly nothing to stress over? they don’t need to worry about ruling or about duties- their title as royalty in the future wouldn’t mean much. they’re malleus’ lover first and foremost, their only true duties would be to stay by his side as they’ve been doing

malleus makes his decision almost worryingly quickly. it’s perhaps because this obsessive attitude has been in him all along, simply brought up by the slight bump in the relationship. maybe his draconic instincts to hoard could be blamed, or maybe his lack of real relationships, or maybe he simply was never meant to love in the regular sense

it... really doesn’t help that most fae don’t think too highly of humans. when malleus drags a clearly terrified and unwilling little human back home and declares them to be his future spouse, the fae court really seems to think of them more as the prince’s pet rather than a lover, leave alone an unwilling victim. if anything, there’s more pressure added to them, the fact that in the castle there isn’t really any ally for them

he’s persistent. malleus doesn’t want to hurt his darling much, but his temper isn’t quite stable. test him too much and he’ll snap, electricity and magic humming in the air. the faster his darling learns that the best path for them is to just do as he says, to hold him and kiss him and try and hide how their body tenses and hands shake when he enters the room, the better it’ll be for them. it’s not like they’re going to be getting any other life soon- upon returning to nrc, malleus doesn’t see the need for them to attend classes. after all, their future is already decided as a docile spouse to a king, they aren’t going to be needing much of an education, as much as they simply have to learn to be a doting and gentle spouse to him.

“i don’t understand why you’re so stressed over this.” malleus sounds genuinely confused, arms crossed as he stares at his darling. the poor thing flinches at his voice, quickly composing themselves, as if trying to hide said moment of vulnerability from him- the last thing they want is for malleus to grow more upset because he once again is forced to realize his own lover is terrified of him. still, he steps closer, close enough to cup their cheek with one of his cold hands. it takes all of their willpower to not stiffen under his touch. they’re extra jumpy today, mainly because lilia dropped by to begin court etiquette lessons. the fae’s ways are much different from humans, but from what they hear, malleus doesn’t plan on having them discuss many affairs with the court to warrant more than some infrequent reminders by lilia on how to behave. still, that does little to calm their nerves, especially because they know the reason why despite the fact they’ll soon be royalty that they’ll still have little duties. malleus caresses their cheek, thumb moving to gently swipe over their lower lip (the urge to lunge and bite seems to still scream from a corner of their brain. the urge to rebel against this, to try and claw back at their old life- urges they ignore and suppress. it’s useless- it’s all useless now, and they know trying to stand for themselves is just asking for malleus to lose it again and hurt them beyond belief in his anger). he seems satisfied with their response; that is, with the lack of response, minimal flinching and tensing, things he’s slowly become keenly aware of, are good, and speaks again what weighs heavily on their mind. “you won’t have to deal with the court much. you’ll be my spouse- your title doesn’t mean anything to worry about. you’ll simply have to continue to love me as i love you; your only job is to stay by my side forever.”

I’m still not over what happened to Ghostbur on Doomsday. There is no way to properly justify what happened to Ghostbur on Doomsday. And while I’m still absolutely happy that Ghostbur called out Doomsday’s perpetrators out on needlessly hurting and involving innocent pets, buildings and people in their conflict (even if he was one of the only ones that did at the time), I’m still really sad that he had to do that.

(Analysis under the cut, /rp)

Ghostbur was right, and he’s so much smarter than people think. I’m really glad that he called out how not okay it was for Techno and Phil to destroy buildings, and kill innocent pets and people just because of their conflict with a few people. That’s the main reason why Doomsday is so unjustified: because it took a conflict between a few people and needlessly involved everyone else in it, hurting innocent people and pets that did nothing wrong. Remember Ranboo sadly apologizing to his pets when he realized he couldn’t save all of them? Remember Karl’s distraught when he found out what happened to Party Island? Remember Ghostbur’s complete breakdown when he lost Friend and saw the nation he worked hard to rebuild get utterly destroyed?

Nothing could justify what happened to Ghostbur, and yes, I’m glad he finally called someone out on their Doomsday nonsense, but I’m sad at the conditions he had to do it in. Nobody ever took him seriously. Everyone just saw him as some silly, unfeeling ghost, and treated him like such. He was treated like a child by many, despite being a fully-grown adult. People like Techno and Phil didn’t even think he would feel any emotion after having everything he loved and cared about destroyed. They didn’t think he would understand or comprehend, so they didn’t even bother to take his emotions into consideration. They treated him like a small, stupid child, with no emotions of his own.

Ghostbur’s not a small child, and he wasn’t stupid. He acted childlike as a defense mechanism to cope with trauma, but he was always a fully capable adult. He forgets things that bring him pain, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t a skilled, intellectually capable person able to process emotion. He build an entire nation, he weighed moral dilemmas (as in, choosing who to help in scenarios and taking into account who needed him at a certain time), and he genuinely tried to mend relationships he felt needed fixing. He was always relatively a pacifist, he didn’t want to get involved in wars, and just wanted people to be happy. He wanted to spread happiness and make up for the past mistakes of a man he doesn’t even remember.

But the physically powerful people on the server, people like Techno, Dream, and even his own father, Phil, looked at someone who was pacifistic, easygoing, and optimistic and only saw saw someone who wasn’t worth being taken seriously. And that’s another common theme on the server. People who are more powerful, particularly physically but often with charisma and manipulation as well, are regarded with more inherent worth and are taken more seriously than those who don’t possess these traits, or choose not to possess them. People like Techno, Phil, and Dream have their opinions constantly validated, their motives are taken seriously, and their threats are feared. People like Alivebur and Schlatt, who had a lot of charisma and verbal power, were taken seriously and treated as genuine threats when need be. But people like Ghostbur? People who prefer to be peaceful, non-confrontational, and want to spread happiness and joy without worrying about wars and pain, and are typically optimistic? They’re often disregarded, treated as if their emotions and opinions don’t matter.

That’s exactly what happened here, and exactly what Ghostbur gets upset with Phil about. He said it himself: “I may be forgetful, and I may be an amnesiac, and I may be the comic relief in all your stories, but I still feel this. I still feel things...” People, particularly Phil here, assumed that just because Ghostbur was forgetful, constantly optimistic, and a comic relief character, he couldn’t feel the enormous amounts of pain being inflicted on him. They assumed he wouldn’t comprehend Doomsday and wouldn’t comprehend his world being torn apart, because he was just some dim-witted, unfeeling ghost. Like a small child who doesn’t understand the world going on around him. While this can also play into Phil’s character because he lost his son, and he desperately wants to make everything seem like he has a second chance to raise his son from early childhood, this mentality is beyond unfair to Ghostbur. Because Ghostbur CAN feel things, he CAN feel pain, he just desperately doesn’t want to. He wants to avoid feeling any form of negative emotion or pain whatsoever, and wants to repress his negative feelings and pretend to be happy. But in this moment, when he confronts Phil, he finally bursts.

This is what ultimately lead Ghostbur to realize that he needed to become Wilbur again. Being Ghostbur, being somebody with little to no strength or power whether it be physical or verbal, would only lead to more hardship and suffering for him and his friends. He realizes that he’ll never be taken seriously as he is, not even by those closest to him. Phil’s line at the end of their conversation says it all, “Someday, you’ll understand.” It’s a condescending line, as if he was speaking to a small child. It’s an assumption that Ghostbur’s current emotions and beliefs are incorrect, and invalid. It’s an assumption that Ghostbur doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and still has a lot of “growing up” to do. But Ghostbur can’t grow up. He can’t change, at least not in this form. He’s dead.

Ghostbur realized, through being forced to face suffering and tragedy head-first, that he couldn’t stay the way he was. And as sad as it is, it’s honestly such a fitting end to his arc. Through a situation that is similar to the one that Alivebur put everyone through, a situation that he had tried to repress from his memories, he realized that repressing all of his emotions and putting on a cheerful, child-like facade was not going to get him anywhere. Ghostbur is confronted with a horribly tragic scenario that he can’t ignore, can’t repress. He can’t pretend to be happy anymore and simply forget about what happened, since there’s nothing left to return to if he does. The only “understanding” that Ghostbur reached wasn’t the one that Phil and Techno were trying to teach everyone through violence and suffering. The understanding he reached was that he would never be taken seriously or have his emotions validated if he chose to stay as a happy, forgetful ghost. He needed to regain the sense of strength that Alivebur had, because that sense of strength is the only thing that will allow him to be taken seriously in this world. That sense of strength, of charisma, of verbal power and leadership, is the only thing that would allow him to truly be happy and not have to suffer anymore. He couldn’t go on repressing everything, which is a positive message that sadly came from a very negative situation.

Ghostbur had a fantastic arc, but what happened to him on Doomsday is still so, so sad. It wasn’t justified what was done to him, but it ended up furthering his character arc. He did learn a lesson, but it wasn’t the one that Phil and Techno were trying to teach. However, it was still one that sadly came from much more suffering and pain than he should have gone through. In a narrative sense, it’s extremely well-written for Ghostbur’s specific arc and very poetic. Yet, it was still someone having to learn through suffering and pain. Maybe that’s what had to be done, narrative-wise. Ghostbur had to be presented with a situation that he couldn’t repress or ignore in order for him to learn that his coping mechanisms would get him nowhere. But that doesn’t mean that what was done to him, the pain inflicted on him, was justified, and in fact, it was very tragic. All we can do is hope that from here, whatever happens to the newly resurrected Wilbur leads him to a future of healing, and at last, happiness.

SteveTony Weekly - May 2

I know I say every week that I read a lot this week but I have been indulging in my favorite coping technique and so this list is ridiculously long. Twitter encouraged me. Blame them. 

**Indicates my recent favs 

~*~ 

On the inherent homoeroticism of cake decoration by welcoming_disaster (616/8K)

“She’s matchmaking, Barton,” Carol sighed.

“We,” Thor corrected, thumping himself hard in the chest, “art matchmaking.”

“Who, Cap n’ Tony?” Clint asked, his mouth full.

“Cap and Tony,” Janet confirmed, cutting herself a thin slice of egg and gently depositing it on her whole grain avocado toast, “it’s getting ridiculous.”

“Wait, I thought they were—“ Clint frowned, glancing around the room as though to confirm. Nothing but confused faces met his questioning gaze. “Huh. I really thought they were fucking.”

“And there is the crux of the issue,” Jess licked a bit of spaghetti sauce off her lip.

“Aye,” agreed Thor, “there’s rub.”

-----------

The team tries to set up Steve and Tony. Things don't go as planned.

Baby lovers like you and me (never say die) by FestiveFerret (Old Guard AU/7.5K)

The Avengers. They'd found him frozen in the ice, told him he was immortal, of all things. And with the way he'd lived through seventy years deep in the Atlantic, he found himself inclined to believe them. They'd also been very… convincing.

Without question, they integrated him into their unit - The Avengers, a secret team of unkillables seeking wrongs around the world and making them right, supported and housed by an enigmatic billionaire named Tony Stark. Their immortality, it seemed, was a secret to everyone but him.

Ready, set, bake by ChocolateCapCookie (Great British Bake Off/11k) 

The Avengers are on a nationally televised baking competition, but nobody seems to have warned the producers that the Avengers, while they save the world everyday and put their loves at risk doing so, are a) insanely competitive, and b) absolutely terrible bakers. Steve Rogers, especially, has a competitive streak a mile wide, and he's determined to win this competition, but it's not easy when his only real opponent is also the man he's been in love with for years.

***To make flowers grow (in this barren heart) by SoldiersShield, KakushiMiko (Hanahaki AU/16K) 

“You hide yourself away in your technology, but you are just as human as the rest of them. Your heart betrays your desire to possess.” Her gaze falls to the arc reactor, and Tony's blood runs cold in his veins.

“The Earth will reclaim what we have lost,” she says, dragging a hand over the chestplate of the armor. “It is you, and your kind-- your greed that pulls life from the soil as if it were nothing. You will reap what you have sown, Stark. The avarice in your heart will strangle the very life out of you.” Arna meets his eyes once more, a serene smile on her face as she leans forward.

“I hope he is worth dying for,” she murmurs, before digging her hand into his ribcage.

(Tony Stark falls in love with Steve Rogers. A rogue enchantress ensures he pays for it.)

Shelter from the storm by silkspectred (KidFic/5k) 

Tony adopts a baby. Guess who's Majorly Fucked Up™ about it.

Keep on beating by itsallAvengers (Domestic Fluff/6K) 

There were an awful lot of things Steve loved about Tony. But one thing in particular Steve could never get enough of was his heartbeat.

The good or bad thing by petreparkour (Multiverse/10k) 

 “It’s the metal suit,” Thor informed Steve, his normally-booming voice tinny over the SHIELD comms. “What did Stark call it—Iron Man?”

“But he’s down here,” Steve protested as the Hulk roared in Stark’s face, startling him into waking with a shout. “How could—”

“It’s damaged,” Thor reported. “But it looks different. More advanced. And he—ah. He’s carrying you, Captain.”

“Please tell me nobody kissed me,” Stark breathed out, and then Stark’s voice suddenly came over the comms, but the man lying next to him hadn’t moved.

“Guys, come on, you’re killing me here. What is it, 2012? God, I hate time travel. First, I'm fighting Thanos. Now, I have to deal with my past self and Thor's bad haircut? Oh my God, Cap, yes I hacked their comms, they’re my comms.”

Steve nearly opened his mouth to protest that he hadn’t said anything when he realized that this replica of Tony Stark wasn’t speaking to him.

***The tipping point by nightwalker (Domestic Fluff/7K) 

Tony has a few quirks. Steve's still trying to figure them all out.

We two, how long we were fool’d by glassessay (Soulmate AU/9K) 

Steve Rogers comes into the world as unblemished as his mother. When Anthony Stark is born, his soulmark is an obvious pattern of ink across his tiny chest.

It only takes a century, two names, and a shared love of Walt Whitman for them to find each other.

The tape in the cave by betheflame (Canon Divergent/5K) 

Steve had no idea what was happening.

“You think I didn’t know that?”

Tony was staring Zemo down as though the Sokovian was actual vermin - which, Steve reflected, he kind of was.

“You think that I,” Tony continued, not hiding the sneer in his voice, “Anthony Stark, who has more powerful technology in my literal fingers than most nations have, that I wouldn’t know everything possible about how my parents died? That I wouldn’t know it wasn’t an accident, that your silly little HYDRA Nazi knock-off pals are the ones who murdered them? Please, you are pathetic.”

Happy ending by Robin_tCJ (No-Powers AU/28K) 

 Steve is a mobile massage therapist, and Tony is a stressed billionaire. What could go wrong?

With a decent happiness by torigates (Teacher AU/16K) 

Tony Stark is Iron Man. Steve Rogers isn't, and never was Captain America.

Or, the one where everything is the same except Steve is a kindergarten teacher.

Nothing left but scars by SailorChibi (MCU/6.7K) - Reread

Steve wakes up to the fact that no one ever compliments or even says thank you to Tony, and that he has fallen into the same trap of painting Tony with a specific paintbrush.

This is how he showers a very confused Tony with praise to make up for it.

Our hearts should remember and follow by frostfall (MCU/5K) 

Steve hums. “I didn’t know you could play. Or sing. Don’t think I’ve heard anyone mention it before.”

Tony shrugs. “It’s one of the few things, skills, I don’t flaunt. Not something people are interested in, anyway. Not gonna sway any board members by playing fucking Für Elise for them. Sides’, there’s a high chance I wouldn’t even play. Well, maybe if you get me drunk enough and near an instrument. Then, I might reconsider.”

(After a dream leaves Tony rattled, he turns to the piano as a way to distract himself.)

Finally, you and me by pensversusswords (Multiverse/10K) 

Because in every layer of time, in every conceivable dimension, he was always meant to love Steve.

By some miracle, Steve was meant to love him back.

***Full disclosure not required (but appreciated) by Potrix (Identity Porn/16k) 

The one where Steve knows more than he lets on, Tony knows less than he pretends, Clint has a big mouth, Bucky is a little shit, and everyone learns why keeping secrets never ends well.

Almost never, anyway.

Heartlines by nanasekei (MCU/7.9K) 

“Let me,” Tony repeats. He regrets it deeply, so much, he wants to stick the words back into his mouth again, and it must show, in the way his voice wavers. He feels exposed, all of a sudden, as if he’s asking something bigger than what he can actually say. Let me touch you, let me take care of you. “Just… Let me do it.”

i found a way to let you in, but i never really had a doubt (marriage series) by quidhitch (Marriage Series/16k) 

Tony Stark doesn’t believe in marriage. It’s nobody’s fault. —Well, it’s Howard's fault, probably, but Tony doesn’t like to think about that for too long, finds that it dredges up all sorts of issues he’d rather keep buried under a mountain of strategically employed sarcasm, humorous self-deprecation, and the occasionally effective substance abuse.

***Hide your love away by sineala (Soulmate/33K) - Reread

Tony has suspected for a long time that the soulmark on his chest matches Steve's -- but he's never told Steve about it. And then it's too late to tell Steve anything at all ever again. In the wake of Steve's death, the Skrull invasion, and Norman Osborn's rise to power, the identity of his soulmate is just one of the many things Tony cuts out of his memory forever.

When Tony returns to consciousness, he's forced to deal with the aftermath of a war he no longer remembers fighting, not to mention a Steve Rogers who can barely stand to be in the same room with him. Surely the last thing Tony could ever need in his life is more amnesia. But that's what he gets. And Tony's new missing memory just might be the key to finding out the truth of his soulmark... as well as his chance to make things right once and for all.

Break the chain (can’t live in circles again) by orphan_account (FWB/19K) 

There had been seven amazing weeks of dating Steve Rogers before Tony realised that they weren’t dating at all. And then it was a scramble to adjust to the situation as it had always been: being Steve’s friend-with-benefits.

And if Steve seemed a little confused and bewildered by the way Tony was acting, well. Tony was probably just misreading that, too.

Five times steve and tony (tried to) bail each other out of jail by Teyke (MCU/6k) 

Twice before Civil War, twice after, and once during. For very loose definitions of both 'bail' and 'jail'.

Cracked hearts under iron ribs by XtaticPearl (Established Relationship/14k)

Rhodey is away for almost six months now and comes to meet Tony after the mission. He doesn't understand the domesticity of the whole Tower and unknowingly sets off a whole truck of insecurities which make Tony crawl back into being a Stark instead of just Tony. The team is not at all happy and Rhodey joins them in trying to figure out a way to help their resident genius feel better in his skin.

The single biggest problem with communication by BlossomsintheMist (616/108K)

In the wake of Steve's return from the dead and the end of Norman Osborn's reign of terror, the superhero community is recovering--Steve has taken on a new role and Tony is trying to put his life back together. Things are still awkward between them, but they're determined to put things to rights. But when a discussion about their feelings leads to further misunderstandings, they discover that might be more difficult than either of them realized. Set in the early Heroic Age after the end of Dark Reign, this is a get-together story about crossed wires--and second chances.

What are friends for? by bobertsmallismydad (MCU /2.8K) 

In which Steve is targeted by a virus. Will the Avengers be able to save him in time?

Starving by festiveferret (Vampire AU/2K) 

Steve woke up starving.

***Everybody wonders (What it would be like to love you) by SoldiersShield (MCU/3K) 

“...Is that what this is about?” He asks slowly. Steve blanches.

“Oh my god. It is.” Tony has no right looking as giddy as he does. “Steven Grant Rogers, are you jealous?”

--

Or: Steve and Tony have been dancing around each other for a while now, and Steve's rather content with it. Attending a gala together just might change that.

Re(A)d all over by brandnewfashion, MusicalLuna (Drunk Flirting/3k) 

Contrary to popular belief, Tony Stark can blush.

It just takes Steve getting drunk on some magical Asgardian mead for it to finally happen.

***The Do-over Proposal by nightwalker (Established Relationship/1.2k) 

Steve wants to go on a journey, Tony doesn't think it's a good time, and Bucky needs to beat some sense into both these idiots.

A Winter’s Ball by alliejowrites (Victorian AU/3.8K) 

Steve moves to London in search of a patron, so that he can finally devote himself to painting. He is not expecting everything he finds upon meeting Lord Stark. A fluffy little Victorian AU. One-shot.

What’s a fanfic by starksnack (AvAc/1K) 

Kamala introduces Tony and Steve to the world of fanfiction. There is a surprising amount of content about them being gay.

Azriel never said he was entitled to/deserved to be with Elain, those were Rhys’s words. Azriel said it didn’t make sense for two of the brothers to be with two of the sisters and not the third. Obviously it’s not the healthiest reasoning, but I think he’s reasoning in order to explain his strong feelings for Elain and to make sense of the powerlessness and envy he feels. Imagine pining after someone mostly unavailable and ultimately uninterested in you for 500 years, then finally finding someone else who makes you feel a lot of things and gets you better than maybe anyone else AND who is into you just as much as you are into them (he smells her arousal folks, Elain is super into Azriel and has been forever - literally fight me, I will give you receipts) and then to be forced to watch that person be essentially claimed, against their own preference, by someone else. Also, since when is it not absolutely certain that a fantasy romance ship is happening when someone expressly forbids it for political reasons??? That is such a classic trope!!

Azriel can’t catch a fucking break. How could you not have all of those feelings and then feel like fate screwed you when that person’s two sisters are destined for your two brothers? It’s a rationalization ADDED ON to the feelings he already has for Elain, he doesn’t have feelings for Elain because he thinks he’s entitled to her, he hopes that fate is showing him that his feelings are not in vain (AGAIN).

SJM herself said that she’s sprinkled breadcrumbs about Azriel’s story for a long time, which also makes me think Gwyn isn’t endgame because she’s such a new character. The moment between them in the bonus chapter actually reminds me a lot of Cassian’s moment with Emerie in ACOFAS. A lot of people predicted that he might be torn between her and nesta, but really it was just a way to flesh out that character outside of Nesta’s narrative. It seems more like SJM is trying to incorporate Gwyn into larger parts of the story and as more than just nesta’s friend. Perhaps what we need to glean from his interactions with Gwyn are the things Azriel values, and the personal growth he might go through, in a vocational sense, in the next book.

It makes him happy to make Gwyn happy because he ultimately cares very strongly for people who have suffered and survived and thrived. Cassian cares about what happens to the illyrians, Azriel doesn’t - the Valkyrie (to an extent) and the illyrians are Cassian’s mission, Azriel doesn’t have anything like that, yet. Azriel doesn’t like the violent things he does for the court, and that is probably part of why he feels so unfulfilled and lost. The most valuable things he has done have been the type of thing he did in saving Gwyn at Sangravah and training the priestesses with Cassian. This is all rooted, of course, in the suffering he witnessed his mother go through. All three of the illyrians are defined by the violence and wrongs done to their mothers, and two of them have found ways to make relative peace with those wrongs. Azriel has begun to and has done much to help wronged women and children and people, but I don’t think he’s had his Aha! Moment yet in the way that Rhys and Cassian have. His interaction with Clotho feels like an indication of his greater purpose, an alternative concern to his romantic woes re: Elain.

I’m not saying this means that Gwyn ISNT involved in a romantic way in the next book, but I think it’s hasty to assume it’s romantic just because Azriel has a meaningful, connected moment with her. Think about Manon and Elide or Feyre and Lucien, two friendships that bridged a lot of characters together and that could have gone in a romantic direction but didn’t. She tends to do that more with friendships than romantic relationships I think. I also think there was a clearer indication of Emerie’s interest in Mor than Gwyn’s in Azriel (I know there’s more interaction between Azriel and Gwyn, but Emerie is clearly into Mor when she says she doesn’t come around Windhaven anymore), and it seems almost as tidy to have Azriel and Mor end up with the other two Valkyries as for Azriel to end up with the third sister. Azriel, Mor, and Cassian are very nearly as much a sacred trio as the Illyrians. Also, I think it’s more likely that Mor will end up with Emerie because she hasn’t had a real romantic interest be yet revealed (the only thing I can think of is Viviane’s younger sister, but that was also superrrrrrrrrr subtle and I might have read too far into the text) and SJM pretty much never decides to start those in the course of one book (of which this extra Azriel POV chapter would be a part).

I also just want to say that Elain has been consistently uncomfortable with Lucien. He gets her the gloves for solstice, and it’s because he has a fundamental misunderstanding of her as a person. He sees her as something delicate to be sheltered and protected from thorns and elements, but that’s actually one of the things Elain loves most about gardening, and is probably how she wishes she could live her life if given the freedom and confidence. In the Feysand chapter, Feyre specifically mentions the gloves that Lucien got Elain and the consequences of Elain not wearing them. On the surface it seems silly because she hurt herself, using the gloves makes total sense, but Rhys and Feyre are actually talking about Elain as someone who is growing and who actually likes to get dirty and FEEL things. It would make COMPLETE sense for Elain to be with Lucien, he’s her mate and he’s courtly and traditional (for a high fey, anyway) and it would be very politically tidy. But maybe this new, changed Elain just doesn’t want that anymore. Maybe she thinks Azriel’s scarred hands are beautiful because they’re nothing other than what they are, and she’s not afraid of having her own scars (I.e. the thorns).

I don’t know for sure that it’s a great sign that Azriel got Elain jewelry. That could be an indication that he sees her beauty and delicacy similarly to the way Lucien does, and certainly he is protective of Elain. BUT think it could mean something different because it was juxtaposed with the pearl earrings that Lucien gave Elain. They were plain, we’ve never had any indication that Elain is interested in pearls or even regular jewelry. SJM OBVIOUSLY put much more thought into the description of the necklace and AZRIEL OBVIOUSLY put much more thought into his gift for Elain than Lucien did. He thought about Elain and what she means to him and gave her something that appears gently beautiful and informal but is even more lovely when someone PAYS CLOSER ATTENTION TO IT, as Azriel always does with everything, and especially Elain.

just can’t imagine SJM having anything that is awkward and at best uncomfortable and uncommunicative turn into an endgame relationship. Elain and lucien have no passion, neither sexual nor antagonistic nor romantic. All of her relationships tend to involve a pretty instant attraction and ongoing tension with tiny little moments sprinkled in from the get. Elain is only ever uncomfortable around Lucien. On the other hand, she is innately comfortable with Azriel pretty immediately (again ask for receipts and I will give them).

They also meet each other pre-cauldron, Lucien is literally like, “she’s my mate!” During one of the most traumatic and dissonant moments of Elain’s life. Remember how much Rhys DIDNT MAKE FEYRE’S LIFE OR TRAUMA ABOUT HIM???? He waited FOREVER to tell her about the bond, was pretty certain he could never be with her, would have been happy to never tell her and just have her be happy. Cassian was pretty sure of the bond with nesta and did not come close to mentioning it until they declared themselves together forever. Rowan and Aelin were also terrified to admit to each other that they were mates, again because they worried what it might do to negatively affect the other. But there’s Elain, fresh outta the cauldron, they all heard her screams and saw her terror and despair, and the first thing he says is “she’s MY mate.”

Also want to be clear I’m not trying to hate on Lucien. I mentioned above that Lucien is used to being pretty courtly and traditional, I think he was raised in the autumn court and has a very traditional understanding of what the mating bond means. I don’t think he is ever trying to claim Elain because he’s inherently trying to ignore her wishes or control her, but because he feels that bond and believes in the fact that it is sacred. Elain was born human, doesn’t really understand the significance of mates the way Lucien does. Of course she wouldn’t have a matching reverence. Elain is used to love and building trust and a relationship with someone over time and with patience. Which is exactly how her relationship with Az progresses.

Really think about Elain and Lucien, what about them seems compatible? He plays the game, he’s clever, his specialty is in people and he likes to have repartee with those he’s close to. Elain is pretty much always herself, she doesn’t change to suit her company, and she frankly doesn’t seem to love figuring people out. She loves being with the people she loves, but the politics of people don’t interest her - nature interests her. She’s kind in a way that Lucien would probably probably find boring in someone who isn’t his mate. In ACOSF, nesta is constantly thinking about the difference in her relationship with her mother from the relationships her mother had with her sisters. She makes it really clear that Elain never knew how to handle people in the same way as nesta or any courtier, and that she wasn’t really all that interested in intrigue or politic (which is why their mother was never interested in Elain). Elain and Lucien do not understand each other and do not understand the other’s passions or motivations. I like Lucien, I don’t love him the way that some folks do, probably because I never really got over his failure to feyre in ACOMAF, but I do want him to be happy. I think he can’t give Elain what she wants or needs and vice versa.

Lastly I want to talk about symmetry and fresh narrative. At this point, mating bonds are pretty played out. SJM has set a lot of groundwork re: the fact that mating bonds are NOT always perfect, and are NOT always happy. Rhys talks a lot about his mother and father. They were very unhappy together; they did not understand each other. It sounds like Rhys’s father was a politician and Rhys’s mother was wild and raw and genuine. This is part of the reason he waits so long to tell Feyre about the bond (and obviously he doesn’t even get to tell her, she finds out on her own). I am definitely not trying to say that Lucien is like Rhys’s father, he’s not, he’s a much better person, but I do think that the differences in Rhys’s parents’ values and passions mirror the dissonance that can be felt between Lucien and Elain as well. I think all of the wind was taken out of the relationship before it started because Lucien named Elain as his mate so quickly- it was really unearned. It is so EARNED in Feyre and Rhys’s story and Aelin and Rowan’s.

I think the idea of choosing love over nature is actually extraordinary. Elain, who has never really had a choice in her whole life, will make the most subversive and difficult choice of the series by rejecting her mating bond. And Azriel, who has never believed himself worthy of good things, will be chosen over a mating bond because he is so extraordinarily deserving of happiness and love and to be truly chosen as someone else’s paramour even beyond the influence of a mating bond. Is there any greater narrative validation of Azriel than that???? SJM writes grand, dramatic cosmic payback for her characters, and this would be a crowning achievement in that vein.

As for Lucien, what he has needed is a way out of the lines he’s always been expected to live in. He was never at home in the autumn court, he was never truly at home in the spring court, and despite Elain, he is definitely never at home in the night court. Lucien’s love, the thing that made him more happy than anything else in his life, was inherently unconventional, and then the convention he lived in destroyed it. Letting go of Elain and the mating bond will be the best way for him to reject the rules that have confined him for his entire, mostly miserable life. Elain will choose Azriel, and Lucien will choose to let her go, not just for Elain but also for himself. I’m willing to bet he might even give up his immortal life to be with Vassa and Jurian. Obviously that whole trio’s dynamic is still pretty murky, but I THINK he seems to be into Vassa (hell who knows - maybe he’s into jurian). Certainly he is happier with them than he has ever been anywhere else (tamlin was Lucien’s dear friend, but Lucien was also fucking terrified of him), and maybe it’s not and will never be about romantic fulfillment for him. That being said, that seems unlikely given SJM’s tendency to pair off her characters.

As for people being mad about the sex stuff...... have we not been reading the same books? Cassian and Rhys have both made it clear to Feyre that Az can get it, he hasn’t been chastely pining for Mor his whole life. Nesta also specifically confirms in this newest installment that Elain is not a virgin, hello bread crumb set up. Elain and Azriel are both sexually active adults who are sexually attracted to each other. Why should they not be able to have agency over their own sexuality in the same way as all of the other characters? Because they’re shy? Because they seem nicer and gentler?

I think it’s actually really infantilizing to make Elain a victim/inactive participant in her solstice interaction with Azriel. Sure, narrators aren’t always reliable, but SJM always uses the fey scent as a story device to confirm sexual interest and initial/general consent for the reader without suspicion or misinterpretation. I. E. Nesta and cassian both had really warped understandings of how the other felt about them for a lot of ACOSF, but they always came back to knowing for certain that they were sexually attracted to each other. That is something that SJM makes pretty freakin clear in most situations. I don’t think that Azriel thought anything that was darker or dirtier than anything Rhys or cassian has thought about feyre and nesta. In fact it was definitely less kinky than how cassian and nesta often thought of each other sexually before they really got together.

Also, a lot of elain’s reactions to Lucien in ACOWAR remind me of mor’s reactions to Azriel throughout the series. You could tell she was feeling some type of way, but in reality it was guilt and sorrow that she couldn’t return his feelings, not that she was tortured by her love for him. I feel like when Lucien goes to the continent and Elain displays emotion about it it’s more about the fact that she feels bad she doesn’t feel more for him even though she does feel the bond. I’m sure it was really confusing for her. Elain’s reactions to Azriel, though, remind me more of the little snippets of interaction between Aedion and Lysandra before they had more POV in the ToG series and also those between cassian and nesta in ACOMAF and ACOWAR before THEY had POV chapters.

Wow so yeah here’s my dissertation. I hope someone out there reads this and is like YES THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO SAY, because I love when I find posts like that.

Saw this in the Jikook tag and thought I'd add what I have seen. What I've seen isn't that people think they're fighting or broken up even though I'm sure there's a lot of that going on but for some they now believe Jikook were never a couple and are just close friends and they feel foolish for buying into blogs that have their own theories that Jimin and Jungkook are an actual romantic couple. Not entirely sure why this NY trip and middle half of 2021 in general have people changing their minds but I guess only they know. It happens every so often but this time I've seen people make permanent changes to their accounts whether it's on here or another sm platform. I just know some are comparing those blogs to the one who shall not be named in the other toxic shipper base. It's not that they see Jikooker blogs as toxic and horrible as that other person but that these Jikook blogs offer their own brand of manipulation only this time using facts instead of lies. No idea if that made any sense lmao How do I put it? Like taking events that have happened and making them out to be a bigger deal than they actually are which in turn gets other people to go "Really? I didn't see it that way but these people are older and wiser and maybe see things clearer than I do" then gifs or clips are usually provided and it all becomes pretty convincing. The thing is no one knows if they're a couple. Could they be? Yeah sure. Could they just be close friends with their own set of personal boundaries? Absolutely. When someone tries to offer up that suggestion to many Jikook blogs, they don't want to discuss that most of the time. Personally I've seen anons suggest a close friendship and are met with comments that that anon must not be experienced enough or anyone who can't see that Jimin and Jungkook are in a relationship must be blind or are choosing to ignore what's right in front of them. That's messed up. That's acting as if the opinion that they're dating is no longer just an opinion. I can see how that can be a mild form of toxicity in itself. Nobody has the right to belittle somebody because they share a different opinion. Even after this NY trip, I've seen many Jikook blogs erupt in anger, calling anons stupid and ridiculous for having doubts or changing their minds and coming to their own conclusions that Jikook aren't a couple but close friends. It's odd to see "Why does no longer car sharing convince you they're not dating?" When actually we've never known if they are to begin with so someone changing their minds over something that's never been confirmed in the first place isn't a problem or "stupid". Maybe the reasons for changing their minds might seem a bit hasty but they're still allowed to change their minds. So yeah I see people are feeling foolish for believing these blogs who hold the opinion they're dating and I think in time the negative feelings will fade away and I have already seen some move on from those types of Jikook blogs and make changes. Perhaps they'll be able to enjoy BTS content without worrying about Jikook's status? As for me, I've never believed they were a romantic couple to begin with but their relationship whatever it is in reality has me aww'ing so that's why I follow Jikook tag. Their interactions are very cute. Sorry for rambling on so much!

You're good, Anon. And I agree with most everything you've said! However, I'm not so convinced they aren't a romantic couple, but then again, I'm not convinced they are. As I told a friend, I'm pretty agnostic about this (and as an actual Agnostic in the religious sense, that's on brand, lol). I'm pretty bad about seeing things in black and white. I used to, but then law school happened, and I've mellowed out a lot (which is ironic, because I think most of my fellows only got stronger in their opinions, lol! IDK I think my ENTJ is slowly dying into an ENTP; the world has beaten me down into seeing the gray). But I don't really worry too much about it. I did at one point, simply because I think it's human nature to want absolutes, to want labels and definitions especially when something is "other" or "unusual", but I got over it. Do I think they do some suspicious things that make me raise an eyebrow and question them? Yes. Does this definitively make them a couple? No. Will my world fall apart if they are just friends with weird boundaries? No. I understand those blogs that are CONVINCED seem a bit dismissive of doubts, and I envy their conviction. I think they feel they are seeing a truth and supporting/defending a truth that is screaming to break free. That Jikook ARE IN FACT a couple, desperate to be seen as such, but muted by their careers and the socio-political climate of where they live. And I am sympathetic to that. It's why I cannot simply dismiss Jikook as NOT being a couple or forcing heteronormative expectations on them. If they are, I do indeed see signs, and I support them if it's true. BUT, that often leads to looking at a lot of what they do with confirmation bias. That is, you believe your hypothesis "they are a couple hiding in plain sight", so everything they do or say supports this hypothesis, and I find that equally faulty. I see some Jikookers who get just as silly about Jimin and JK being near each other or looking at each other as Taekookers. Sure, they'll spin a more eloquent web using those odd and unusual things that make me side-eye ("SE") to support this, but it often boils down to the same thing. Not everything Jimin and Jungkook do equates to some magical, romantic relationship! I get that they are often trying to cite patterns of behavior (eg JK gravitates towards Jimin) which could be seen as innocuous and BFF stuff and then couple it with "SE" stuff (eg JK sucks on Jimin's ear) to give more meaning to the former as being more romantic and legit than a Taekooker possibly citing similar, but it's not. Not fully. I know the BEST romantic relationships have partners who are BFFs, but that doesn't mean that BFF behavior equates to a romantic relationship. Or even the "SE" behavior equates to a romantic relationship (as you said, it could be BFF's with weird boundaries - I've made out with a few of my friends and I was in no way attracted to them physically or romantically). It's not the transitive property of relationships here. So, that's where I see more wiggle room, that's where I think a lot of people question or have doubts, but that's where these blogs are so convinced. I don't necessarily think they're trying to be rude (but they can be and that sucks), but I think they're just stuck in their confirmation bias loop. They are convinced and they use the strength of that conviction to put emphasis on a lot of things. I don't think they're trying to manipulate anyone, because they genuinely believe it, and that's where they can be dismissive when questioned. And again, I don't think they're inherently wrong, but I also don't think they're inherently right, either. I will say, that if ANY pairing in BTS were to be legit, Jikook have the strongest argument, but it doesn't mean they are (but it also doesn't mean they aren't). And that's ok, to me at least. I'm fine living in the gray and seeing Jikook as each other's person, regardless of what that fully entails. They have a beautiful relationship, they make each other better people, and as my double biases (Jin is my bias wrecker - my chaos trio!), that makes me happy.

Boys reaction to their S/O sending them a text saying they are a parent now and not responding to text or calls for a bit till they arrive home with a bunch of cat/dog stuff and a cat/dog. Turns out a coworker bought the cat/dog but could no longer/did not want to take care of it anymore and pushed it onto mc. As mc tries to get rid of it they fall in love with it and can’t get rid of it.

"Sooooo... You're a parent, now..." That's what the message said; "you're a parent, now." Nothing else, no explanation, no nothing! What the heck! Who would do something like this?! Only one person the skeleton could think of; (Y/n)... The problem really is... THEY'RE NOT ANSWERING THEIR FUCKING PHONE TO EXPLAIN THIS BULLSHIT!!! What the hell is going on?!

.

Classic- He's kinda panicking internally. He doesn't know what to do...! He goes to Grillby's and... drinks... When he gets back, he's not tipsy or anything, it was just a couple of drinks to clear his skull, but he can't help feeling like he's going to pass out. He opens the door and sees (Y/n) laying on the couch. Their face appears above the couch and they quickly sit up with a sheepish grin. "H-hi, Sans... Say hello to your son..." An adorable, gangly puppy jumps off the couch and runs to him as (Y/n) starts babbling, "see, my coworker found out they were allergic to dogs, and..." Relief fills him. This will be funny later- key word being "later".

Creampuff- He's very confused. It can't actually be his child; they'd have to do things to make that happen on purpose... Did- did (Y/n) cheat on him?! Was he not fulfilling their needs? (Y/n) gets back from work to him crying. Worry fills them and they rush to him, kneeling down and asking what's wrong as they rub their hands over him to comfort him. Suddenly someone is licking his skull, and he looks up, surprised! And confused... "Uh, so, I'm sorry- just; my coworker's dog had puppies, and we managed to get the other two homes, but we couldn't find one for this little guy, and they couldn't keep him, and I didn't want him to end up at the pound, so..." He's so happy, listening to (Y/n) ramble about how they couldn't think of anything else to do, and he feels a bit silly for even thinking they'd cheat on him, they were obviously too kind and loving for that!

Red- What- what the hell?! Why was (Y/n) not answering any of his calls or texts?! He can't stand it- he has to find them! He shortcuts to their work- they left already. He shortcuts to where they usually stop and pick up a soda or whatever to destress on the way home- not there. He shortcuts back home, pacing the perimeter, until, he finally sees them! He's standing right in front of the car when they park, waiting for some damn answers! Neither says anything as (Y/n) exits the car and goes around to the other side, opening the back door and grabbing something, eyes never leaving his. A young looking dog jumps out of the car, its almost squareish head turning to look at him, ears perking. He glares at the dog suspiciously, and the dog looks up at (Y/n), sensing their nervousness, and checking for clues on if this new person is to be trusted. "Um... So, my coworker's apartment building has a ban on pit bulls, and, they really don't usually do well in shelters and stuff because of the stigma against them- really, you have a lot in common!" "yeah? what's that?" "Pit bulls are assumed to be violent, and aggressive, and ill tempered, but they're really just these big, protective cuddle bugs who are smart, and love their people. Also... I love both of you..." He gives in, though he does try to make it seem like he's putting up a fight.

Edge- Why- why the hell would he get a message like that?! He is irritated (and nervous), waiting for (Y/n) to get back, arms crossed and foot tapping. When the door opens and (Y/n)'s sheepish head pops out from around the doorway, he gives a glare that leaves no room for interpretation of how he's feeling. "Don't be mad..." He lifts a browbone. "AND WHY SHOULD I NOT BE MAD?" "Ok, so my coworker's aunt has health issues, and can't take care of her cat anymore, and it hates my coworker- she said it won't even let her be in the same room with it-" "THAT'S REDICULOUS; AN ANIMAL AS SMALL AS A CAT IS NOT INHERENTLY INTIMIDATING, AND YOU CANNOT LET THE ANIMAL DICTATE YOUR HOUSE." "R-right... Anyway... She brought the cat to work and was trying to get a new home for-" Edge's glare hardens. "But the cat ran! And- and terrorized the whole place, and ran up to the ceiling in the files-!" He's still not saying anything, and (Y/n) gets nervous. "And I was the only one that could get close, and that didn't get hissed at-!" There's a pause as (Y/n) steels their nerves and steps fully into the room, showing a pile of fur in their arms. "And since I was the only one that could be around the cat without getting hurt, they all decided to send it home with me..." Edge eyes the fluffy, unpleasant looking beast in (Y/n)'s arms, glaring at the animal, who glared back, then sat down in his favorite wingback chair. The fluffy monstrosity leaped from (Y/n)'s arms, a little unwieldy, but landing perfectly naturally, and struts up to the chair Edge is sitting in, leaping lightly into his lap and plopping down before unceremoniously sticking a back leg in the air and beginning to clean itself. He is now sitting in a chair, looking intimidating, arms folded, glare set, a large, very fluffy cat sitting on his lap and licking its ass. He thinks that it must look quite comedic, and can tell that (Y/n) is trying their hardest not to laugh. "AT LEAST YOU BROUGHT HOME A CLEAN BEAST." (Y/n) smiles at him and goes to his side, nuzzling his jaw. "Can I bribe you with kisses?" Edge's shoulders straighten. "I SUPPOSE THAT COULD BE ACCEPTABLE."

Blue- He's so worried-! There's no answer when he calls, and he even texted! He's pacing trails into the floor, wearing paths into it... Then he hears (Y/n)'s car and hurries out to it. "WHAT HAPPENED?! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!" A hyperactive puppy climbs over the seats into the front and dashes out through the door, heading straight for him! It's yellowish fur looks very soft as it dances around his legs, yipping and trying to entice play. "WHA- WHO'S THIS?" "Meet... your daughter...!" (Y/n) offers. "YOU- YOU MEAN- THIS LITTLE GIRL IS THE REASON FOR THAT MESSAGE?" "Yeah..." "WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET HER?" "Well... My coworker's dog had puppies, and we were able to get all the others homes, but..." Blue's grinning at them. He loves how sweet they are. "COME ON, (Y/N), LET'S GO PLAY WITH OUR CHILD, THEN!" He runs off and the puppy happily barks and follows.

Stretch- Uh- he's not comfortable with this- this is not cool with him! Where the hell did (Y/n) get a kid?! He's stuffing his face with honey and chocolate covered honeycomb at Muffet's. But... He eventually has to go back. He's sitting on the couch, looking miserable, when (Y/n) gets back. They timidly come into the room, holding a kitten, apologizing for the weird message and explaining that one of the people at work got the kitten for their kid, but found out the kid was allergic- He doesn't trust it... It's something new, and he doesn't like it! (Y/n) feels bad, because he obviously doesn't like the kitten, but they've fallen in love with it, and who else could give it a good home- no one would take it at work, and she didn't want it to end up in a shelter! Stretch tries his normal laying on the couch, and the kitten keeps jumping up in him and cuddling close. It doesn't seem to get the hint of him not liking it... He does find its antics amusing as it has kitten business that it attends to, seeming to consist of running around crazily and jumping on dust particles... He falls asleep on the couch and wakes up to the kitten sleeping on him, looking like there's a huge smile on its face... purring. It becomes the normal position for them, and Stretch won’t let (Y/n) move the kitten off of him. (Y/n) comes home to find that, and is glad that he's finally given the kitten a chance.

Black- He’s a bit paranoid. This is a very strange message- was it a covert message? Was it a warning, was it a code begging for help?! He uses all of his skills to figure out what’s happening, and finds (Y/n) before they can even get home, finding them in the parking lot of their work. “I- I’m sorry, I couldn’t get back on my phone to answer-” Black grabs them close to him, “DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU HAD ME FEARING FOR YOUR LIFE?!” And there’s a growl from behind them. Black pulls back, ready to defend his love- only to see a largish brown and black dog attempting to do the same. He appraises the animal and waits for explanation. “My coworker’s building won’t let them have large dogs, or Dobermans, and everyone is afraid of them, even though it’s stupid- they’re just protective-” Black steps back from (Y/n) and walks closer to the dog, holding out his hand, handling the dog perfectly well, and is petting it after a moment. Ok, yeah, (Y/n) should have seen that coming... all the dogs in the Underground, after all... Black is happy to have this dog in their lives now; one more set of eyes and sharp teeth to protect his family- and the fact that it can intimidate people just by being there is a good thing, too.

Mutt- He is not amused in the least. He uses all of his skills to track down (Y/n), finding them at work, looking frustrated and put upon. He’s probably quite menacing as he strides toward (Y/n), but a fluffy head lifts from the floor next to them before he gets there. The very fluffy and adorable looking dog stands, showing its height and curled tail, staring at him. (Y/n) quickly gestures to the door outside with a nod, and he clenches his jaw in irritation, but shortcuts, waiting for them to meet him. They soon walk out of the building, the dog following without even being on a leash, stopping as they do, and sitting at attention, seeming to be glaring him down. Mutt steps forward, and the dog leaps to all fours, growling at him. (Y/n) tries to calm the dog, Mutt tries to get them away from the danger, the dog tries to get the perceived danger away from (Y/n)... “Mutt! Stop! Pin! Down!” The dog sits again at (Y/n)’s side, still glaring at him and softly growling. “what’s goin’ on,” it’s a demand- something that (Y/n) is not used to hearing from him. “My friend, Mary, she has to move, and Akitas are on the not allowed list, because they can be aggressive, and are very protective of their people- and, since I go over there a bunch, and Pin knows me- well, I’m the only other person that he’ll accept being around, pretty much...” (Y/n) gets down and hugs the dog, petting it, then stands and hugs Mutt, who feels a certain amount of satisfaction when the dog’s fluffy ears focus forward and mouth snaps shut as though asking, “what the hell is this?!” He wraps himself around (Y/n), smirking when the dog just looks irritated, but doesn’t make any moves. After some research into the breed, Mutt thinks this is a great development, appreciating that Pin will protect (Y/n), and perhaps later his brother, at all costs, having read stories of the breed defending their family to the death. He even thinks of maybe breeding him... but gives up on that when he finds out that the dog is fixed. He’s very interested in the breed now, though.

Axe- He is very troubled, trying to remember if they were trying to have a kid... He didn't think so... But he's been wrong about stuff before... ... ... He got lost in his mind... Thoughts of everything are going through his mind... (Y/n) gets home to see him sitting in his chair, lost in space, disassociated, his hand holding on to his eye socket. "Axe, love," they call, wanting to get his attention so to not startle him. He snaps back to and his eyelight settles on them, blank for a moment as everything comes back. They've got a tiny, furry thing held against their chest. "that what your... message was about?" "Um... Yeah... My friend at work volunteers at an animal shelter, and... They didn't think this little one would be adopted... and, of course, no one at work would take it..." They look like they're on the edge of crying, and Axe wants to go give people a good talking to... (Y/n) gets closer, holding the kitten out. One eye is closed while the other is wide open, its tail looks almost half as long as it should be, and one foreleg is missing up to the elbow. He lifted a glare to them, wondering why they brought some broken thing home- wasn't he broken enough- didn't he cause enough problems- wasn't he enough to pity?! (Y/n) sat on his lap, cuddling against him with the kitten held close between them. It looked around, intimidated by all the large, new things, but not acting like it was any different than any other skittish kitten. "Little babe was attacked by a dog, lost half it's tail and a paw- they had to amputate to a better place to avoid more problems and injuries. It already had an infection that took its eye... This little one has already dealt with more than enough in its short life. Of course, no one wants an animal that isn't perfect, so they end up just staying there, until- ... And I couldn't let that happen... Not while I could do something about it..." Axe's glare softened, and he let out a sigh, looking down at the two in is lap. Of course it wasn't pity that had made his sweet (Y/n) bring the kitten home... It was the drive of knowing that it would be able to live a happy life, knowing that it wouldn't be possible in its current situation, and knowing that they could do something about it. What he liked to call their drive of "if you won't fix this bullshit, I will!" He nuzzled against them, a low, raspy purr coming from his chest. "love ya, (y/n)." The answer of "I love you, ya goof" made his smile grow wider. Life was good.

Crooks/Bun- He knows that there has to be some explanation of this, there has to be- because otherwise, (Y/n) would be crazy... and... they’re not... right? No... So when they get home with an old hound dog, he takes a breath, glad that he’d been right. Turns out that someone at work had the old boy in and was trying to get him a home. (Y/n) had fallen in love with him because the dog reminded them of him! Big, liked taking walks and checking things out, pretty blind... Bun likes the dog a lot! He’s a good companion for his walks, and Bun has a lot of empathy when he runs into things. “It Happens To Us All.” He’s also very useful to have around as a hound breed! When Sans wanders off, if he gets lost or not, the dog can track him down with little problem. Also, when Bun feels like he’s been moving too much, and he’s starting to feel pain, the fact that the dog will lay down with him and doesn’t need a lot of running around puts him at ease, like keeping him company is doing something, and not just sitting around doing nothing.

Dusty- He doesn’t know what to think. He goes to (Y/n)’s work and follows them around in the shadows, watching... He’s there a couple of hours before he sees that there’s a cage under (Y/n)’s desk. He can’t quite tell what’s in it, but he knows that he has to be prepared. He goes home and waits, ready for whatever is going to happen. When (Y/n) arrives home, carrying the cage, greeting him with a smile. “Hey, so, look what I got from a coworker...!” He steps closer, wary, seeing a rabbit in some wood shavings. “They had it for their grandkids, but they never really took care of it, so...” Dusty keeps staring at it. “I renamed it Papyrus!” Dust’s eyelights shoot up to them at that. “papyrus?” “Yeah! This is bunny Papyrus... you can litter train rabbits and let them run around, and they are pretty smart and get into some pretty funny hijinks...” (Y/n) named the rabbit Papyrus to hopefully keep him from killing it... Interestingly enough, he stalks the rabbit as something to do. He follows it around from the shadows, and studies how it acts when left to its own devices. Then he starts hiding little treats for it and watches it try to find them. Ghost Paps refers to it as “BUNNY ME.”  (This is actually how I got a guinea pig years ago lol)

I've seen people complain that salters 'ruined the reputation of lukanette', and turned it into nothing more than a spite ship, and I'd like to know what you think of this? Personally, I can't really say that I agree, but I also don't actively look for lukanette content unless it's from you, and since you're the biggest lukanette shipper I know, I thought you might perhaps know where this whole idea came from, or might have an opinion on it.

Firstly, aww, that’s so sweet that you go to me for your prime Lukanette content! Thank you!

As for the question itself, the way I look at it is like... good riddance?

That might not seem to make sense, but my basic point is that people who say that most likely didn’t ship Lukanette in the first place. It’s easy to bash the “sub-ship” of a show because the main one exists, so you’ll hear substandard arguments all the time like, “it’s not endgame so you shouldn’t ship it,” “you just don’t get the show,” and of course, “you just like Lukanette to spite the love square.”

Attacking the fans of something to attack a show/ship is the “easy” way out while simultaneously being the laziest. If those people want to let others dictate their opinion on a ship/show/whatever when the people who follow said thing have literally nothing to do with it in terms of how it plays in canon, that’s their problem and I’m personally glad not to have them around, y’know? Good and bad fans exist for basically everything, and allowing a side to change one’s opinion in that way isn’t the way to go.

I could easily list a bunch of examples of bad experiences I’ve seen Lukanette shippers have with love square shippers, but I don’t, and I don’t judge the love square based on my opinion of Lukanette (I also stay in my lane by not crosstagging but that’s a different topic altogether).

Yes, I don’t like the love square. Yes, I wish Lukanette were endgame instead. Yes, some of my fics will contain varying amounts of salt depending on my mood (though I keep it pretty sugary on mc-lukanette for the most part, and one of my No Context November posts even has Chat Noir being best buds with Ladybug and encouraging her relationship with Luka), and sometimes my ideas involve Adrien and Marinette breaking up in some way (whether it was on friendly terms or not is up in the air; depends on what I can get out of the idea).

All of those factors together does not mean that I ship Lukanette for the sake of spiting anyone or any ship. I just adore Lukanette and it’s obviously going to squeeze its way into whatever I write because why would I not put it into everything???

What I think happens is that people see Lukanette fics having salt about Adrien/the love square and then make a connection where there isn’t one, believing that Lukanette shippers only ship it because they’re salty about the love square.

That is flat-out not true. There are multiple Lukanette shippers who enjoy both Lukanette and the love square at the same time, then fell off of the love square when it stopped working for them.

There’s an inherent bias that comes from disliking something. Presuming these people who say “salters ruined Lukanette” never shipped it in the first place, they’d be more likely to see other people talk about how Lukanette shippers did x/y/z and then just roll their eyes like, “of course they did.” If they did ship it and then fell off, it was just a matter of influence they chose to participate in, because the one meant to curate their experience is them, and as this very lovely and polite anon points out (as they don’t know what the fuss is about with “salters ruining Lukanette” because they’re not seeing it), exposure to things one doesn’t like about a fandom won’t happen if precautionary measures are taken, and the way people absorb certain shows/ships happens to cause them to see content that gives the a particular viewpoint.

But one they see that content, it is their choice to let it seep in and change their opinion. I, for example, take measures myself (more because I want to avoid particular fics or people writing Luka in specific ways) and I basically never see anything I don’t like. On the off chance I do, it’s my fault because I didn’t take proper steps, but I’m also not going to use whatever I saw as a reason to generalize and say that everyone is like that. I just say it’s this-or-that person and I move on because I think it’s incredibly rude to see a few people (regardless of how “loud” they are and how much of a fuss they’re making) and go, “okay, it’s ruined for me.”

(Side note too that there are popular salt fics out there that happen to be Lukanette endgame, and those AUs typically have tags that can be blocked; I find it really weird that people get on the case of “salty” people - who are usually generalized for “not seeing the good in things” - for complaining/”ruining” something when they themselves are being salty at the salters).

Something I think people miss when equating Lukanette with salt is that the reason Lukanette is often endgame in salt fics is that Luka makes Marinette happy; he is her “light in the darkness,” as it were, and apologized the moment he thought he’d offended her. Salt fics touch on the fact that Marinette gets hammered a lot by the show, but Luka doesn’t have that negative effect on her, being so far removed from the overwhelming dumpster fire that gets thrown at Marinette that he can just be the source of comfort that she needs.

Calling Lukanette a “spite ship” is also laughable when Lukanette shippers that I’ve known/seen have perfectly understandable reasons for shipping it, and that’s not what a spite ship entails. Salters didn’t “turn” Lukanette into anything, and suggesting such things feels more like a false attack to scare those people into stopping whatever they’re doing just because the person “attacking” personally dislikes it.

I can write Lukanette whether I’m salting about Adrien or not, regardless of if he’s there, and any ship I give to Adrien is not to keep him away from Marinette; I ship ships because I think the characters making up that ship have a genuinely good connection.

Could there be a discussion of why whatever% of salt fics end in Lukanette endgame? Of course, and maybe it really does come down to the fact that Lukanette shippers happen to see the show in a different/more critical way and want to get their frustrations out by writing fanfiction that flips the treatment of Marinette on its head.

But... So what?

Fact of the matter is, Lukanette is a tiny minority of the fandom (if you go by AO3 statistics, there are like 1000 Lukanette fics - excluding the love square tag - and 20000 love square fics; if you go by the amount of people following the tags on Tumblr, Lukanette is a lot closer, but still), and I think it’s really silly to say it’s ruined because x amount of people (who definitely do not represent the entire Lukanette fandom; no one does) decided to make it endgame in a salt fic or said somewhere that they felt it was better than the love square.

widow angst abt not loving sombra but also maybe loving sombra, going in circles and circles like a lil caged animal, fucked up tenses and incoherent half thoughts bc its almost 4am i wrote this in 30min

Widow doesn’t know, sometimes, what to do with choices. She’s hardly had to make any since she became who she is. But Sombra always demands that she make them: choose the restaurant they’re ordering from, pick which car to jack, do you want to go on a date?

With most of her emotions, few of them as they are, she doesn’t know what to do with. Doesn’t know if she wants them. Sombra wants her to know and, that, she knows she dislikes. But she likes Sombra, so she puts up with it.

Sombra is demanding in this way. If it were anyone else, Widow would have shot them by now, for being so presumptuous, for the arrogance, the selfishness, to ask this of Widow.

But Sombra’s Sombra and not many people like Widow, so she has to hold on to those who do. Or she doesn’t. Many people like Widow. She’s pretty, she knows. She flaunts it, after all, to get what she wants sometimes. Those people, Widow wouldn’t think twice about killing.

Sombra is different because she actually gives a damn. Sombra thinks she loves Widow which is something they have argued about a few times—always, Widow lets the matter rest once she has said her piece, because Sombra can be stubborn when she wants to be, can outwait Widow when she wants to.

Sombra’s special like that. She’s silly, idiotic, callous, but underneath it all, she’s still the most independently capable, motivated, and intelligent person Widow knows. She’s entirely self-made, entirely in control. And she hides it all behind being a cheeky shit because it’s the smart thing to do and Sombra is so smart.

Being with her makes Widow feel powerful. At night, when Sombra’s curled up against Widow’s side, Widow will brush her ridiculous purple hair out of her face, trace the curve of her forehead, and think about how the brain encased in Sombra’s hard head can, and in fact has, toppled small countries on its own. And this very brain thinks it loves Widow.

Widow isn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth—usually.

It’s a matter of practicality, really. Sure, she’s not who she used to be and physically can’t process emotions the way regular people can. But she’s not dumb; she knows how relationships work. She was married, for God’s sake.

She knows, logically, it’s about communication and honesty, and reciprocation. Otherwise, it’s just leeching. It’s being deadweight.

Widow can force communication and honesty out of herself. Those are things that are within her capabilities. The necessary skills and traits are useful to Talon, so she has them. Reciprocation is a different story. Reciprocation is difficult.

She likes Sombra, so she will make a conscious effort to keep her around. Sombra tells her that this is what love is.

Widow agrees and disagrees. Of course, she cares for Sombra’s wellbeing, but she cares about Akande and Gabriel, too. She would never claim she loves them, not in the way she might with Sombra.

That’s another thing: uncertainty. She is certain she doesn’t love other people. She isn’t so sure with Sombra.

Sombra can be very convincing, if she puts the effort in—coercion is her whole schtick, anyway—and this Widow also likes and hates. They’ve done a bunch of new and exciting things together, and most of it, Sombra had talked Widow into. Widow values those experiences.

But Sombra also talks Widow into things she’s not so enthusiastic about. Submitting a form to Talon declaring their relationship? Thinking about that day makes her want to murder someone. So awkward.

Sombra also talks Widow into thinking she might love Sombra back. And that’s good if she does, and astronomically bad if she doesn’t. Because honesty. Widow doesn’t lie to Sombra often. Sombra doesn’t care if Widow lies about work since she could find out if she really wanted to but, out of all Talon personnel, she is the farthest from a Talon loyalist and couldn’t give less of a damn about its goals.

Otherwise, though, Widow doesn’t hide much from Sombra. Maybe if Sombra makes Widow feel vaguely embarrassed about something, Widow will try to hide it just to save face, but Sombra sees through that like glass and Sombra almost never means to make Widow feel like that, never maliciously. So, it makes it okay. It does.

Widow can’t say the same.

Other people’s misfortune, especially brought about by her own hand, makes her happy. Makes her feel powerful. She can’t help it if an impulse to be cruel seizes her. It doesn’t come up with Sombra except when she feels cornered and that’s when she feels uncertain and out of her element.

Sombra is excellent at provoking those feelings. Again, Widow doesn’t experience feelings the way Sombra does, so it’s okay sometimes. Only sometimes.

The first time Sombra had said she loved Widow, Widow had called her stupid and left her in the cold. And Widow knew, immediately, that it hurt Sombra.

She knew it would be best for the health of their relationship if she apologized and explained herself, but there wasn’t a strong desire to do that, so she had left it until Sombra came and gave Widow a piece of her mind. After that, Widow had indeed explained, slowly, off kilter, mildly irritated.

It’s a mess. Widow doesn’t mind a mess but it’s not good for relationships and Widow wants to maintain this one. Wants to clean it up, knows which tools to use to do so, knows how to use those tools. Doesn’t, in the end, have access to some of them.

Sombra must know this. Sombra does know this.

Still, Sombra insists on telling Widow she loves her.

Widow can’t stand it.

Widow tries to stand it.

“That’s love, Spider.”

Widow scoffs at the thought.

When she was young, her parents got her a fish and Widow had tried to take care of it and failed spectacularly. The fish had died within two days. Trying isn’t sufficient.

She hardly succeeds, with Sombra.

She can do the easy things, the small things that don’t inspire feelings of triumph from Widow. If Sombra wants to be held, Widow will do it. If Sombra wants a sounding board, Widow will get comfortable. If Sombra wants to fuck with Gabriel, Widow won’t snitch.

She fails, however, if Sombra needs anything close to emotional literacy. Sombra isn’t perfect either, she knows. She is painfully aware. 

Sombra is presumptuous and arrogant. Sombra asks for too much. She doesn’t care about Talon, and Talon is the reason for Widow’s existence. She makes everything a joke, just under half of which fly over Widow’s head. Flaunts what she has and what is wholly unattainable for Widow. 

It feels like a test of Widow’s compliance. Endurance, really. Certainly not love.

“Love can be about endurance.”

It can. Widow knows all these things could count. Should count, considering. But she wants to do better, be better. And she also doesn’t because she can’t and it’s unfair that she should be unhappy with herself for something she cannot fundamentally change.

She’s a bit resentful. She’s a bit tired. She’s a bit unhappy and a bit apathetic about all those things. Never a lot of anything. So, relatively speaking, it’s significant that she feels this way.

But then, full circle, it’s about endurance. She will endure those feelings. For Sombra.

Sombra who endures, always. Whose entire life has been about endurance. Does it as easily as breathing. Sombra is strong and smart, and those aren’t things Widow inherently likes about Sombra.

Widow likes the way those qualities make her life better. Sombra solves problems and does things for her.

If she loves Sombra, then it would be because Sombra loved her first. Does it the best because no one else loves Widow and there’s no competition, really.

And is that fucked up? Is that wrong?

Should she care? Liking someone because they like you doesn’t exactly measure up to terrorizing entire peoples, which she does for almost no money or other benefits other than her own enjoyment and a few more hours with Sombra which, again, is also for her own enjoyment.

Widow looks down at Sombra and thinks in cycles.

Her eyes are closed and she’s snoring, head in Widow’s lap. Widow cards her fingers through Sombra’s hair and feels heady with power.

If Widow could be a better person, she wouldn’t want to be, she doesn’t think. Except when it comes to Sombra. Because if Widow could love Sombra back, she would.

hey i love ur tuc critiques about the show’s issue w antisemitism and think you really explain the issue so well. of course feel free to not answer this, but i noticed in one of ur latest posts you mentioned how in nyc the “large jewish population that is also perceived as largely or entirely lightskinned/white-passing.” are jewish people poc or is it possible to be both white and jewish? i’ve googled it and read through some responses, but there are so many different responses and i was just curious on your thoughts. again please feel free to not answer for any reason, hope you have a good day!!

hi anon! i’m happy to expand on this for you, and i want to start by thanking you for both your curiousity and respect in asking. secondly, i want to preface my response by stressing that i am just one person who is neither an anthropologist nor a spokesperson representing a homogenous opinion of all jewish people in america; every person is going to have their own perspective and answer to this issue, and i can only give you my own.

that being said, this is a somewhat complicated issue. i won’t be able to give you a simple yes or no answer as to whether jews can or can’t be white. some jews can certainly be light-skinned/white-passing and even benefit from white privilege in western society. but it’s also just as true that jews can be light-skinned/white-passing and still face oppression by nature of being jewish. and none of this is ever to say that dark-skinned jews do not exist -- on the contrary, there are thousands of dark-skinned jews both worldwide and across america -- whose unique perspectives as dark-skinned jews enriches the whole jewish community as well as facing more and unique social oppression by nature of their being dark-skinnned.

the jewish people, as an ethnic group, are originally native to the levantine region of the middle east. however, the jewish people also have a long history of being expelled from our native land and living in diasporic communities (this history goes back thousands of years, even hundreds of years before the advent of christianity). so there exist today communities of jews all over the world who indeed look very, very different from each other: there were/are vibrant jewish communities throughout the middle east, subsaharan africa, in india, in china, etc. the point here being that there are jews of all skin colors and languages and cultures, but we’re all still equally and validly jewish. 

i think what confuses the issue are the natures of both judaism as an ethnoreligion (not just a religion) and the general mode of discourse on race in western culture. especially in america, we tend to discuss issues of race as being quite literally black and white, with a subtle yet pervading perception of people being nonwhite if they have any drop of blood in their lineage from ancestors of color. i think this attitude is pretty directly inherited from the overtly racist beliefs of white european and euroamerican colonialists from the 17th-19th centuries, and still pervades in insidious forms to this day. 

so the answer to “are jews poc/can jews be white?” especially in america is a muddy one. if not the majority of jews actually in america, then certainly the perceived majority of jews/jewish culture in america is that of light-skinned jews of european ancestry (especially ashkenazim, who are jews from or descended from the diasporic communities in northern and eastern europe). within progressive jewish circles there is indeed a recognition of and concern about this “ashkenormativity,” as i’ve seen it termed -- the dominance of ashkenazim and their version of jewish culture in american culture has the tendency to obscure the voices and experiences of jews of other backgrounds in media and in conversation. but what is important to recognize about european jews is that not all european jews have the same ethnic features (including light skin). beyond that, it’s important to recognize as well the fact that, historically and especially in europe, jews have been targeted for severe persecution for being explicitly non-white -- even when their skin is as light as european goyim (non-jews). 

thus the reduction of racism/anti-ethnic prejudice to a black-and-white issue as it is often done in america does not neatly fit conversation about jewish identity. in europe, from which america originally inherited a lot of its racism and thought about racial discourse, racism/anti-ethnic prejudice is not wholly determined by factors as simply and visible as skin color. and there is a frustration among many progressive american jews over this tendency to boil down racial discrimination into black-and-white terms, because whichever side of the binary we fall into on a case-by-case basis usually ends up being to our detriment. for example, white supremacists in america certainly would not consider us (even the most light-skinned/white-passing among us) to be white, and antisemitic violence is dishearteningly frequent. on the other hand, the perception of american jewry is so predominantly “white” that, especially from liberals, the reality of our oppression is not “real enough” to warrant attention and addressing in activism, despite the fact that instances of antisemitic violence are constistently very high on yearly lists of hate crimes committed both locally and nationwide. and all of this is attempting to analyze judaism in the terms of ideas and attitudes about race from the relatively recent past (let’s say the last few centuries) -- when judaism is an ethnoreligion that by far predates the modern concept of “race.”

so my answer to the question of “can jews be white/are jews people of color” is...i don’t know. certainly the experience of a dark-skinned jew is different from that of a light-skinned jew, and it would be silly to pretend otherwise or to claim that a dark-skinned jew is not a person of color simply because they’re also jewish, and “jews are white.” but what of light-skinned jews? are we effectively white because of the inherent privilege in western society of having light skin, or are we always something else by nature of our judaism? if we are white, how profound an impact does that have on our lives and the prejudice we face in society? what of converts, who may indeed be considered “fully” white until the moment of their conversion, are they still white or no longer once they join the tribe? what of ethnic jews, who are born of jewish descent but disconnected from/raised outside the culture? 

tl;dr: none of these questions have concise answers, yet they’re all raised by the simple, even innocuous question you pose, anon. my own personal answer to you would be...i don’t know for sure. it’s a question i’m certainly willing to elaborate on (as i have tried to do in this post), but, truthfully, a discussion with intent to settle on an answer is not one i am comfortable having with goyim; to try to settle on a solid answer to the question of “are jews white or poc” is, i believe, an intracommunity issue to be answered by jews and for jews, because ultimately, the very concept of “white vs. poc” in regards to ethnic identity simply does not fit an ethnoreligion so old and diverse as ours. and to some extent, debating the question can in fact misdirect even well-intentioned activists away from the reality that jews, no matter our skin color, face oppression in western society, and are in need of solidarity and support from both within and outside our community in order to survive and thrive.

As someone in the Marvel RPC, I see a lot of “my character was kidnapped/created in a lab and turned into the perfect weapon” or “my character was captured by scientists because she was an alien/supernatural creature/etc and they wanted to study her” and inevitably, both involve a lot of gratutitous torture. The key word being “gratuitous”. Either due to wanting drama or being misinformed by popular media depictions of such things (Bucky Barnes, Laura Kinney, etc) the general assumption of fandom seems to be that scientists are basically sadists and that “experiments” are little more than exercises in how to cause their character the most pain possible. The thing is though, a lot of the reasoning for all this is. . . bad. And while canon ---be it Marvel or something else-- may do that, I would also like to discuss more realistic options and point out a few general mistaken assumptions or things people don’t tend to think of. - If a bunch of scientists are trying to create an augmented supersoldier, “perfect life form”, or whatever, that’s not an experiment, that’s a PROJECT. There is a big difference between the two. - Who/what is your character being created or augmented to fight? No one is gonna spend the time/money/effort to make a supersoldier just to have one around for fun. The enemy they are supposed to face or job they are supposed to do is going to influence EVERYTHING about the abilities they’re given and how they are “designed” not to mention how much independent thinking it’s practical to give them. For instance, for some jobs, being able to think and make decisions on their own will be a must, and that’s a risk. For others, there’s really no need to leave their free will intact if you can avoid it. Someone being “built” for espionage will be much different than someone being designed as a living tank. Likewise if someone is going to be sent into a desert environment versus expected to go for long periods underwater, and so on. Knowing what they’re designed to be going up against is CRUCIAL. - Why are living weapons the best option to fight this thing? Because generally speaking, there can be a lot more disadvantages to those than to guns and guided missiles and androids and shit. What about this enemy required a lving sentient supersoldier instead? - If a specimen is rare or valuable, it’s unlikely that it’s going to be dissected or otherwise treated in a way that will deliberately damage it. Your characters might FEAR that if they’re found the men in white coats might “cut them up” but this is actually unlikely. If scientists are trying to learn about something and it’s not a thing they can easily replace, they’re going to try to do so WITHOUT destroying or damaging it. The reason that real-life lab animals are treated so callously is because there’s lots of them, and we already know a lot about how they all work. When a scientist dissects a lab mouse, they’re not losing anything when it dies. If the first alien on Earth dies, or some super-soldier they worked really hard to create dies, they’re losing either a lot of potential information that can’t be gained anywhere else, or something they worked really hard to create and won’t be able to do again without a lot of time or effort. They are going to want to avoid that, and in this age of ultrasounds, X-Rays, and other non-invasive technology, that’s very easily done, especially in a setting where they probably have higher level tech than the real world if they’re creating super-soldiers and such in the first place. And they definitely have NO REASON to want to cut a specimen up ALIVE. - If their goal is to study a person or creature, such as the aforementioned alien, or a mermaid, or whatever else, they actually will probably want to avoid causing it stress. Stress causes behavioral changes as well as physiological ones, and if this is a never-before-seen or rarely-examined species/person, scientists will want to examine them in their default state first. Once they’ve learned everything they can about them in their “normal” state, then, yes, they may begin to deliberately induce stress to study what changes. However, they’re still likely to try to avoid damaging the specimen or inducing ill-health in it (which prolonged and/or serious stress can do) Again, the reason that regular lab animals get treated like their lives don’t matter is because THEY DON’T. Lab mice, dogs, etc., are just models for which to study humans most of the time and have well-documented behavior and physiology, they’re not rare or unknown creatures. So the approach is completely different. A literal or figurative unicorn would not be treated like that. - Likewise, if this specimen is something that was created (or augmented from an existing animal/person) it’s unlikely that the scientists are going to torture them, either for fun or through painful “tests”. Again, they don’t want to damage their hard work, either through physically wrecking them or through reducing them to a useless traumatized heap. It doesn’t matter if the scientists are mean cruel people without a bit of kindness or empathy, it’s impractical. If this being was created for a purpose, fucking it up (or turning it against you) defeats that purpose. And whoever is funding them isn’t going to be happy about that. And if whoever is funding them is the one who wanted to torture this creature/person. . . why do they need it to be specially modified or whatever? That really doesn’t make much sense, especially considering it’s virtually guaranteeing that this thing you have GIVEN SUPER POWERS TO is going to want to murder you. - Sure, it’s possible that one person on the staff might just personally be a sadistic bully or have a grudge against the character/creation even when none of the others do, like Kimura with Laura Kinney, but in all likelihood they’d be found out and fired. “But they take pains to hide it and erase security footage and--” Okay, if you really really want that, you can find a way to do it. Just know it’s not at all going to be acceptable procedure even in the most illegal of operations, not because it’s morally wrong but because it fucks with the product. And I would also ask yourself---if your character is already a lab rat, do they need to be tortured as well? Why? What does that add? Does it not feel “traumatic” or “dark” enough that they, a presumably sentient being, is already owned and imprisoned and kept from anything approaching a normal life? Why is that not “bad enough” to you that their story needs over-the-top torture as well? I’m not saying you can’t do it. I’m saying to think about why you’re doing it. Because a lot of times, in my experience, it basically comes down to cheap angst and sympathy points, often at the expense of, as discussed, logic. - “But they want to make them loyal out of fear!” Okay. That works only up until they get an opportunity to escape. Because if they’re afraid, they’ll take that chance. It’s true they might be too afraid to even try---that’s the case for many abuse victims---but I’m not sure that an organization wants to gamble that will be the case and risk losing their valuable asset the moment send asset is put in the field. And, again, risk the damage to them. This one is doable, you just have to be logical about it and think from the perspective of the people running things, not from the perspective of “what’s the most dramatic?” - “But it’s to brainwash them!” Brainwashing does not mean constant egregious torture that just somehow magically produces sudden loyalty one day. I know that tons of movies and comics have showed you this, but torture does NOT brainwash people. It actually makes people MORE resistant and hateful towards the people and group doing it. People under torture may confess to anything to make it stop, but that’s a short-term compliance and far from actually altering their minds in any way. It most certainly does not render them into obedient loyal sheep; typically the reverse, in fact. If you want to read more about this misconception and what the reality is, I’d check out these posts HERE and HERE and HERE which go much more in-depth and cite real-life sources. If you would like to read more about actual brainwashing, HERE and HERE . - “The torture is necessary for their training!” Again, this works to a point, but most people take it absurdly far in their depictions. Training is to build a person up; if it grievously injures or mentally traumatizes them, that’s counter-productive, as it decreases their usefulness. Being pointlessly cruel to your “living weapon” is just counter-productive. Training can certainly still be intense, and even un-ethically or dangerously so, but if it crosses into just coming up with ridiculously over-the-top ways to make the character suffer, it’s too OTT and clearly for angst-fuel, and most readers will probably roll their eyes because it’s just ridiculous after a certain point. Here are some good articles from SPRINGHOLE.NET relevant to this topic: Things To Know If Your Character Will Be Augmented Or Experimented Upon Things About Training & Teaching Writers Need To Know Tips For Writing Dark Stories, Settings, & Characters Pointlessly Edgy Tropes To Reconsider Using Basic Tips To Create Better Characters With Tragic & Traumatic Backstories Note that this is not to say that your lab rat character cannot have been mistreated, abused, or otherwise traumatized by their situation. Indeed, it would be unrealistic if they were NOT, since treating a sentient being as a tool under the control of others and having them commit violence, even if they do so “willingly” because they don’t know any better, is an inherently traumatic thing. But because it’s inherently traumatic, the unrealistic torture porn is just that much more unnecessary and frankly kind of silly. It’s also lazy, and the ways that many writers go about make no actual sense, as has been discussed. Going back to examples from Marvel, a favorite little-known X-Men character of mine is Darkstar, aka Laynia Petrovna. Laynia and her twin brother Nicolai were mutants born in the USSR. They were taken away by the state at birth, and raised by government scientist Professor Phobos in a “school” (read: facility) for super-soldiers. They were trained in combat and taught to be loyal to the USSR above all else. They were also told that their parents had abandoned them (when in fact their mother died in childbirth, and their father was told they had died too) and were NOT told that they were siblings, instead being given different surnames so that their familial loyalty would not supersede their loyalty to the Soviet Union. It wasn’t until they were adults and discovered their bio-father during a mission that they ever found out they were related. Yet, despite this, and despite occasionally joining superhero teams in the USA (Champions) or aiding the X-Men (X-Corps), Laynia has remained loyal to her country first, though she has often turned her back on its government (though she has returned to serving it now that the USSR is no more) What I really like about Laynia’s backstory is how different it is from most “I was raised as a weapon” stories in that it lacks overt abuse or trauma. She seems to have been treated just fine, she was never tortured, there was never shown to be any needlessly brutal training or treatment of her and the others, etc. She was raised to be a loyal servant to the state, and she was treated in a way that would actually facilitate that, and IT WORKED. So many scientists/trainers/etc in fiction seem to think it’s a great idea to treat your living weapon in ridiculously over-the-top violent, abusive ways for no real reason (except, of course, THE DRAMAZ) and will often be portrayed as insanely sadistic towards their pet projects…even though that’s obviously the LAST thing you would want to do with a valuable asset that you wanted to be loyal to you and have no desire to escape or turn sides. And as I said, it WORKS with Laynia. One of her biggest and most constant struggles FROM THE START is her loyalty to her country, versus her own conscience when she’s asked to do things she finds questionable. She also finds out again and again that she’s been lied to or manipulated by the people in charge of her, and sometimes she’ll defect, but she always ends up back again. And while she’s angry at the things that government asks her to do to others, or has done to others, she never really questions what was done to her. We never see her actually being like “holy shit, I was kidnapped and brainwashed and exploited and I’m really fucking angry about this!” like so many characters in similar situations realize (and often very quickly despite supposed brainwashing; even when still “loyal” they’re usually portrayed as hating their captors) And you know why? Because, again, what was done to her WORKED. Like she has a MOMENT in the issue where she finds out her real history and vows she won’t blindly follow a government ever again, but…she still sticks with the USSR, then Russian, government. She may not be “blindly” following, but she doesn’t seem ever able to leave them for long either. And her brother Nicolai/Vanguard strays even less than she does. And the writers never focus much on this. There’s never been a story that focuses on Laynia’s mindset or giving her a journey that helps her grow in any way or even just examines all this. Partly I think that’s because she’s so minor and has never had a story IN GENERAL that focuses on her. Partly I think it’s because writers just aren’t INTERESTED in a story like hers UNLESS it involves all the dramatic grimdark “tortured test subject” cliches, and they assume readers aren’t either. But I think this does a disservice to readers. One of my pet peeves, perhaps my MAJOR and BIGGEST one, about abuse in fiction is that it is ALWAYS portrayed as BLATANT and EXTREME, committed by people who are OBVIOUSLY monsters and who act like said monsters 24/7. They might get a shallow charming veneer to fool people, but the victim and audience both know that under that they’re un-nuanced, two-dimensional demons. And some abusers are like that. Some abuse is super extreme. But lots of abusers are much more nuanced, and lots of abuse is far for subtle. If only the most extreme types of abuse and abuser are portrayed, that’s all people learn to recognize “real abuse” as being. And real-life victims of abuse already have enough problems feeling that they weren’t “really abused” or “abused enough” to qualify. So I think stories like Laynia’s are important, and they’re worth exploring. They don’t treat abuse as torture porn, something to lingeringly emphasize to the audience in every gory detail for sheer shock value even when it makes NO SENSE for what the abuser is trying to accomplish. Instead, her story makes sense for what the government and its scientists employees were trying to do, and it has an accordingly realistic effect on her that manifests in a far less subtle but no less meaningful way than dramatic “media portrayals of PTSD” cliches. And it’s a story I’d be interested in seeing more of and finally unpacking fully, if any writer ever steps up to the plate ready to treat it with the sensitivity it deserves. Not every story of this sort needs to be like Laynia’s. But not every story of this type needs to be like Logan’s either. Figure out what works best for your character, question why you want it and what purpose it serves, and just make it make sense.

TROS spat in the face of every single abused child who was looking to this fairytale for hope. The sequel trilogy wasn’t about a farm boy looking for adventure or even an abused child falling to villainy, it was about three abused children from the different class systems all rising out of trauma and dysfunction. This was our fairytale, our story, and JJ Abrams perverted it into abuse apologist propaganda in a pathetically desperate attempt to appease the most hateful groups of fans who never understood or appreciated the story to begin with (which is why the story had to be butchered in order to appease them).

1.) Rey

Rey’s parents selling her for profit into slavery was portrayed as a good, loving thing. Child trafficking was literally portrayed as excusable, and even loving, in this children’s film. Just let that sink in for a second.

What is the message there? If your parents did something horrible that caused you years of trauma and torment, you should just not lose faith in them because they may have had a good reason (even if you have no evidence of that). Maybe a space wizard who has been dead for decades forced them to traffic you. This scene makes me want to vomit. This is how a children’s fairytale portrayed parents who sell their children into trafficking:

There is no excuse for this. Rey’s parentage was solved. Her identity crisis was over. This wasn’t needed except to force this abuse apologist message. Oh, and of course to feed the sexist fanboys a bit of eugenics to make them stop whining about how a woman could possibly be important and powerful.

TLJ was about Rey discovering her identity and letting go of her unhealthy, irrational dependency on parents who she never knew, who sold her to an abuser and left her to half-starve alone in a desert. TROS decided to give her a new identity crisis out of literally nowhere just so they could erase all that “You are not your parents, even if your parents don’t love you and/or aren’t special, you are still special and still deserving of love. You can find belonging ahead of you.” stuff with dynastic “Actually, your blood family does entirely define your identity and you should always assume they’re right even when all evidence points otherwise, just ignore your own trauma and blame it on a dead space wizard.”

The whole Rey Palpatine thing left a very bad taste in my mouth. Not just because it’s fucking stupid and something Reddit would write, but because Rey was horrible in TROS. She acted like she was possessed by Palpatine, she stabbed Ben (who she cares for and always had compassion for) to kill while he was distracted. She suddenly acted like she didn’t care about anyone around her. She just overall acted unrecognizable from the warm, loving, empathetic woman we saw in TFA and TLJ. The message here is clearly that because she has this “bad blood”, Rey can’t have an identity for herself. The only thing that saves her is taking on the identity of the good guys, she never finds her own. All the traits she’s had up until now don’t matter, who she actually is doesn’t matter. All that matters is what man’s blood runs through her veins. All Rey is is someone’s granddaughter, because if she wasn’t, then she’d really be nobody.

And thus, JJ Abrams decided that “Anyone can be special, even nobodies. Your worth is not defined by your class or your background.” was a stupid message and instead it should be pure eugenic “You’re only special if you have important people blood/name. Your identity is entirely your (male) family, not your own. No silly woman could have power of her own!”

Rey taking on the name of Skywalker is an utterly shallow attempt to fix the fact that they took every bit of Rey’s real identity from her, took half her soul (Ben is her dyad, two that are one), and then left her alone on a desert planet as if to say that her “true self” is the abused child she once was and that she can’t actually escape that. The moral of this fairytale was “You don’t need friends or love, as long as you have a glow stick (material possessions) and a super duper special name that makes you important (which you weren’t before, you were nobody).”

Not to mention that Rey basically named herself after Luke, no one else she knew actually used that name. And Luke didn’t do anything to deserve that, he rejected her at every single opportunity and only did the bare minimum to help her after being berated into it. Han was her surrogate father and the first person to offer her a life outside of Jakku. Leia was her loving mentor and pseudo-mother. Ben was the love of her life who has always been there for her when she needed someone to confide it, someone to see her true self and tell her she wasn’t alone. Luke was nothing but some cranky old guy who made her feel awful about herself and never accepted her (not to mention telling her she was inherently dangerous and also trying to murder her soulmate when he was a child which the real Rey was furious about).

2.) Finn

Finn’s character has not been given much in terms of development. For the most part, he’s been reduced to “Rey’s friend” and then “Finn’s friend”, with a little moment in there where he got to be with Rose and have his own identity but TROS of course decided to reward racist bullies and cut out Rose instead of giving the rest of the fans a satisfying story.

In TROS though, the one thing that Finn actually did that was heroic by himself, his character defining moment of turning from The First Order, was credited to the force and described like it wasn’t a choice at all. Which brings up a lot of questions and, as Han would say, “That’s not how the force works!”. It was so entirely unneeded to take that from Finn, but they gave up all of Rose’s potential screentime to do it.

There’s also the moment when Poe, our alleged hero, so hilariously (i.e callously) compares himself being a criminal to Rey being a scavenger and Finn being a stormtrooper. Completely ignoring the fact that they had no choice in that, as if their trauma doesn’t matter at all. It’s a small moment, but it was very insensitive and highlights how much the writers Did Not Care or even understand their main characters’ experiences.

3.) Ben

I don’t even know where to start with Ben Solo. His ending was the one that broke me as a person, I had so many hysterical sobbing fits over it that my loved ones were actually getting tired of it and it genuinely put me in a really bad place with my depression that I’m only just not getting out of.

Ben Solo’s story in TFA and TLJ was abuse victim’s epic, it was the story of a boy who was tortured and groomed from the time he was in his mother’s womb. A man who never knew a life without abuse. Ben Solo was described as a pure beam of light in his mother’s womb who was ensnared and tainted by a predatory force bigger and stronger than himself that he could not escape.

The feeling of being tainted and corrupted is common in abuse victims, and the fact that TROS told every single abused child out there “Yes, you really are tainted and corrupted. You do deserve to die before experiencing more than a moment of happiness and safety.” is something that I’ve yet to get over. It still infuriates me, it still breaks my heart. Ben’s entire arc up until this point has been about how he is still worthy of love.

And no, this isn’t me woobifying; it’s in the text of the films and the canon novels that Ben worked for his redemption, that he earned it. Ben fought Snoke from the time he was a child, but Ben was only a child and Snoke was too powerful, too relentless in his cruelty for him to withstand. The one and only person in the entire galaxy who had the training and the knowledge to protect Ben was his uncle, who chose to try to murder him in his sleep instead of protecting him. Ben was left with nowhere to turn except to his abuser. And even then, we see him struggle every single day to try and force himself to be this evil person that he never was. Ben was light itself who was convinced he was darkness through abuse and manipulation.

Then, when Ben found the first person who he could feel and connect with through the force, even though Snoke and Luke had abused and betrayed him - Ben still took the chance to reach out to Rey and be vulnerable with her. While interrogating an enemy, he took off his mask and revealed himself (something we only see him to for his father and when Snoke forces him to maliciously). In the middle of a war, under the thumb of the monster who has tortured him since forever, Ben was able hold Rey’s hand and tell her she wasn’t alone. He was still able to be kind. And because of that kindness, that connection, Ben found the courage to finally destroy his abuser and free himself.

Ben freed himself, and he did it out of compassion for and a need to protect Rey, not out of wrath or vengeance. If Ben were truly a creature of wrath, he would have killed Snoke before, but it was only when he had to see and hear and feel his soulmate be tortured by his own abuser that he found that courage. And yes, he did take Snoke’s place at first because that was the only way he knew how to protect himself. In his experience, people without power get hurt and that’s it. But even then, Ben was able to muster yet more strength to shed the armor that was Kylo Ren and stand with Rey unarmored against the very thing that has abused and tortured him since before he was born.

That took so much bravery and love and selflessness for Ben to stand there as himself, ready to fight his abuse and trauma head-on as Ben Solo. For him to admit he was hurt for the first time in the series. For him to crawl up a cliff with a badly broken leg out of love. For him to willingly give his very life force out of pure love. All of these things are incredible for Ben to have been able to do after all he had been through, these are more than deserving of reward. But TROS punished Ben for doing everything right, they proved that abusers always win in the end. Ben was going to survive until the last few edits. Everything we see was literally leading up to him surviving. This was Ben’s redemption, this was supposed to be him fighting for his new beginning and taking his first steps into the happiness and safety he earned, and should have had as a child, not a pointless struggle before succumbing to death:

But TROS told us, told traumatized and neurodivergent children who saw themselves in Ben, that it wasn’t good enough. That love isn’t good enough. That doing the right thing deserves to be punished. That children tainted by violence and abuse and darkness don’t deserve love and healing even when they earn redemption, even when they do everything in their power to do the right thing and be brave. The hopelessness of that is what broke me as a person. That is not what Star Wars is about. Star Wars is about redemption and love and hope; TROS was about cruelty covered up with a thin sheet of materialism and confused, poor storytelling.

These People in This Room (Don't Shine Like You) (Diamond Chaney) - Ortega

summary: Lawrence has just been crowned the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK, and Ellie is right beside her. Just like she’s always been.

a/n: omg HIIIIII! here’s my entry to the fic challenge (will it be my only one? who can say). in a shocking turn of events this is not a drabble asdfghjk but would we have expected anything concise from me? this fic was inspired by Shine and Starstruck, both by Years and Years. they are very diamond chaney songs so pls do give them a little listen for full effect! standard procedure, she/her pronouns bc they’re in drag, u know the drill. this has taken me entirely too long to write but pls enjoy some diamond chaney from the night of the crowning! (pls also collectively pretend they had an actual dancefloor to celebrate on and not just a hotel room bc i had already started writing at the point Ellie posted her BTS. fic is just one big serving of pretend anyway xo)

***

It’s somewhere around midnight, the sun has set on Thursday and Friday has crept in, and Lawrence is sitting in a booth with the dancefloor flashing bright colours in front of her, only just daring to believe that this is her actual life.

There is not a single moment that seems real. Even being one of the top four took her essentially since filming stopped to come to terms with. But hearing her name being read out, hearing the other girls cheer for her and being able to do nothing but stare at the screen in disbelief with her hands over her mouth and sob like a baby…that’s not sunk in yet. Maybe it never will. She’s still feeling the after-effects from the way the shock and euphoria had kicked seven shades of shit out of her pulse, the way the serotonin had crashed over her like a wave and the absolute unbridled lack of control she’d had over any of her emotions.

When the cameras had been cut off and they’d been given the all-clear from the producers that they could hug each other, Lawrence had only managed to stand up from the chair, still in floods of tears as Bimini bundled their arms around her, Tayce had jostled them all with the way she’d jumped up and down and yelled in delight, and Ellie had looped her arms around her neck and murmured into her shoulder, words Lawrence couldn’t hear but felt the love from regardless.

It had to be Ellie, really, that crowned her. It was a full-circle moment. She still remembers the night they met for the first time; Dundee in 2016, some time in the early hours of the morning (she’d probably called it ‘bastard o’clock’ or something similar), coming out of the bar and being stopped by a boy in half-drag similar ages with her who spoke rapidly and excitedly and told her that he’d messaged her about starting drag and she’d replied to him. The way realisation had dawned on her and the way she’d been her usual loud and boisterous self to cover up the fact she’d actually been quite bashful about the fact they were meeting for the first time.

There was no alternative, not least because of everything they’ve been through together; the years leading up to this moment and the rollercoaster it’s all been. She’s glad that they’re on a high because they’ve seen each other at their lows (been the cause of each others’ too, sometimes) and pulled through only slightly scathed, but always stronger. The producer had asked Lawrence who she’d wanted and when she, still speechless, had pointed in Ellie’s direction, seeing the tears start to stream down her face had only made Lawrence’s start all over again. They’d hugged- just the two of them this time- and the way Ellie had immediately felt like a safe place in the crazy chaos of reality reminded Lawrence so much of when they had filmed. The way even just hearing Ellie’s voice would stop her feeling homesick, the way she was a living comfort blanket.

She’d never tell that to Ellie, of course, because she’d never hear the end of it if she did.

It’s been a couple of hours and Lawrence is expecting everything to suddenly sink in any minute now. Something will click like the last piece of a puzzle and she’ll finally accept that she’s won, that the whole thing isn’t a giant and premature April fools’ prank. She turns her phone over in her hand, wondering what all this nervous energy is doing to her body chemistry. She’s got messages from her family, her friends, Kiko, the girls she works with back home. Well…some of them. But apart from reading them and frantically replying, Lawrence hasn’t checked anything else; hasn’t opened Twitter or Instagram, where the notifications are piling up like pizza leaflets through a letterbox and are equally as unwanted. If she thinks about them she can feel her stomach twist, wrung out like a wet towel.

Forty thousand likes. The Team Bimini tweet had forty thousand likes. What did her own get? Eight thousand? Lawrence thinks about the sheer scale of forty thousand people, compares it to the population of towns in Scotland. Almost Airdrie. Just under Coatbridge. She imagines a whole town of people, angry and furious and disappointed, and all of them tweeting her to let her know exactly that. She remembers in high school when she thought the whole of Hermitage was against her. She wants to tell baby Lawrence that that was fucking small fry. A thousand kids? Try the sheer scale of Bimini’s fanbase. Her breath is shaky when she tries to breathe in, like her lungs have reduced in size. It reminds her of that time in school camp when they all had to jump from a pier for some unknown-fucking-reason, how freezing the water had been and how her chest felt tight as she gasped for air. Lawrence supposes it was character building in the sense that it prepared her exactly for how anxiety would make her feel later in life.

In for four. Hold for five. Out for six.

“There she is!”

An ever so slightly slurred and wobbly voice breaks Lawrence’s reverie, and when she looks up she sees Ellie approaching her, a little unsteady even in the flats she’s changed into with a glass of prosecco in each hand. It says a lot that even at the top of a helter-skelter of an anxiety spiral, Lawrence’s heart still gives a little swell when she sees her friend. Ellie has always been able to make her feel better. She feels an almost silly sense of relief that she’s here.

Lawrence takes one last little breath in before plastering a small smile to her face. “Awrite? Where’s Mumma Diamond?”

“In her room conked out. Just got back from putting her to bed, she couldn’t hack it. Letting down the family name, that one,” Ellie huffs, sliding into the booth and squashing up right beside Lawrence, even though there’s enough space for two metres distance even if they had still been under strict instructions from the BBC.

“Tayce?” Lawrence asks, gratefully accepting the prosecco glass and hurriedly downing a too-big gulp in an attempt to calm herself down.

“Facetiming A’whora. Of course.”

“Of course. Maybe a bottle and a half of prosecco is gonny be the love potion she never knew she needed.”

“Fuck, we can only hope,” Ellie grins, already laughing through her words. “If we’re gonna be touring with them I don’t wanna have to karate chop through five layers of sexual tension every time I have to walk past them.”

Lawrence chuckles, tired but humoured and unable to not make the so-obvious joke. “You couldny fight sleep.”

“Shut the fuck up, I’ll fight you in a minute!” Ellie nudges her with her shoulder and spills both of their prosecco from the glasses in their hands. The gesture is affectionate and out of place with the impending threat. “Where’s Bims? Thought they were with you.”

Lawrence shrugs. “Went out for a smoke with one of the runners about twenty minutes ago and never returned.”

“Good for them. Always thought there’s something inherently sexy about a winch in a back alley.”

“Well, you would know.”

“Eh, so would you!” Ellie cries, nothing short of incredulously offended. Her expression makes her look even more like a cartoon character than usual, and it’s entirely too endearing.

“Yeah, forgot that popular phrase. It takes two to winch in a back alley,” Lawrence jokes, but her heart isn’t in it. It’s too heavy and her ribcage feels like someone laced her into a corset and pulled it too tight. She’s hoping Ellie is too drunk to notice.

Ellie sips her prosecco with her eyes on her, then scrutinises her as she swallows it. She frowns, her nose wrinkling up as she prods Lawrence with an acrylic-nail finger. “What’s up?”

Fuck.

“The sky,” Lawrence says without conviction, and the raised eyebrow Ellie gives her in return is enough to unlock her. She deflates like a balloon and brings her phone up so Ellie can see it, turning it over in her hands. “Just…as happy as I am, and as much as this is all a dream come true…I keep psyching myself up to open any social media, and I can’t, because this one fucking brain cell of anxiety keeps telling me that everyone out there hates me and hates the fact I’ve won.”

Ellie’s face falls into a frown. She gently pries the phone out of her hands and places it on the table, takes one of Lawrence’s free hands in hers and rubs her thumb over her knuckles. “But all your other brain cells know that’s wrong.”

Lawrence sighs. “So why’s that one louder than all the rest?”

Ellie presses her lips together in a badly-suppressed smile. She’s giggling as she speaks. “Because you’ve only got two brain cells.”

Lawrence splutters a laugh, shoving Ellie with her free hand. The other is still laced together with hers. As the laughter dies down and the momentary serotonin wears off, Lawrence can feel her brow furrowing involuntarily. “Forty thousand people wanted Bimini to win, Ellie. Forty thousand. You know that’s like a whole town? That’s like the population of Coatbridge?”

“ Fuck Coatbridge!” Ellie exclaims, affronted, and her shock and insistence makes Lawrence snort all over again. “Okay, forty thousand people is a town but really, what’s that to the rest of the world? Think how tiny that is in the grand scheme of things, Lawrence! Honestly, give a fuck about what any bastard who wants to send you anything vile thinks of you! You’re so amazing! You won! Fuck everyone else!”

Lawrence wants to feel cheered up. The prosecco Ellie’s drunk is making her all the more animated and lively, giving her words a determination and a passion that her speech so rarely possesses most of the time. Ellie is calm, and she doesn’t get wound up easily. There’s something about the fact she’s growing this animated over getting Lawrence to believe in herself that warms her heart a little.

Then again…

“It’s not just that, though. There’s girls from home that haven’t even said well done. Girls I’ve always supported and couldn’t do enough for, and it’s like…really? You can’t be happy for me when I’ve actually managed to do the one thing I’ve wanted to do for years?”

“Well maybe they have said well done, and you’ve just not seen it because you’ve been hiding,” Ellie gestures matter-of-factly at her phone. It doesn’t convince her.

“They won’t have. You’ll know who I’m talking about, Ellie.”

Ellie sighs a little, clearly conceding that Lawrence is right. Her grip on her hand tightens a little, and when Lawrence looks up at her in response her blue eyes hold a glint of assurance.

“Well, even if they haven’t…fuck ‘em. Onwards and upwards, chick. You’ve got ten new sisters out of this who’re always going to know what it’s like, they’re gonna be here for you no matter what,” Ellie says comfortingly. Lawrence knows why she’s said ten and not eleven, but Ellie affirms this with another squeeze and a slightly shy smile. “And you’ve always got me. You’ve always had me.”

This is true. She’s always had Ellie. Before the show, doing gigs with her and hanging out with her and going to DragCon with her. On the show, always there to reassure her or pull her out of a negative spiral or just lean against her shoulder and squeeze her hand. And after the show. Whatever that might look like. Whatever that might be.

She supposes that neither of them know yet.

“C’mon,” Ellie says decisively, holding out a hand for her as the song changes. It’s some sort of Paolo Nutini dirge, and Lawrence has to laugh at how obviously whoever is in charge of the music has rushed to attempt to find something Scottish. Lawrence can only blink at Ellie’s outstretched hand.

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Come on! ” Ellie laughs. Lawrence doesn’t know if she’s blushing or if it’s just the lights.

But she does know that she can’t leave Ellie hanging when she’s looking at her like that.

So Lawrence lets herself be dragged out to the dancefloor and pulled into a hug as Ellie sways them left to right ever-so-slightly out of time with the song, tipsy and full of affection given the way her arms are locked around Lawrence’s waist. It should feel stranger than it does. In reality, being held by Ellie feels as simple as just existing.

Or perhaps simpler than that, given the fact that Lawrence’s existence feels entirely surreal right now.

“You have to be in drag for half past se-ven,” Ellie sing-songs, bringing one of her arms out from around Lawrence’s waist and tapping her on the nose. Lawrence immediately misses it, so it’s a relief that it’s not gone for long.

“Because I wo-on,” Lawrence imitates back to her, and the way Ellie squeezes her waist in response and affirmation causes a smile and a blush to bloom on her face without her even being to control it. She rests her head against Ellie’s chest so she can’t have the satisfaction (ammunition) of seeing how she makes her feel.

It’s little moments like that that she needs right now. Anchors to keep her down on earth, to let her know that this isn’t just some really prolonged lucid dream and it’s all actually happening because currently reality is so absurdly ridiculous; she’s just won Drag Race and she’s slow-dancing with Ellie to the song that’s blasting through the speakers in the background, a parody of some American high school prom where she’s just been crowned the queen.

Moments like these- where Ellie’s holding her close as if she’s literally trying to protect her from the world- remind her that not everybody is against her. Not everybody hates her. Not everybody is wishing her a slow and painful death because Bimini didn’t win, least of all them. She knows that Ellie was never able to share what team she was on even though she hadn’t had a chance at the crown, but she didn’t have to. Not really. They’ve always been on each others’ team.

Ellie jolts Lawrence out of her daydream with the way her chest is shuddering, and Lawrence momentarily thinks she’s crying again before her soft giggle becomes audible over the music.

“What?” Lawrence tilts her head up, meeting Ellie’s scheming, smirking face.

“Can’t believe RuPaul Charles asked if you wanted to move to London, city of dreams, city of a thousand opportunities…” Ellie begins, Lawrence already laughing as she knows what the conclusion to her sentence will be. “…and you said, ‘yer awrite pal, am fine in Glesga wi the jakes an’ the Blue Lagoon chippy an’ the guy that stands on Buchanan Street and yells at everyone that they’re going to hell!’ ”

Lawrence would normally roll her eyes at Ellie’s impersonation of her accent, but she’s laughing too much at the joke that’s forming in her head to commit to it. “RuPaul asked if I wanted to move to London, and I said…”

The pair of them are almost giggling too much to get the punchline out, Ellie clocking on to how it’s going to end. In sync, the pair of them splutter out a “… NNNNAAW! ”

Giddy and happy, Lawrence rests her cheek against Ellie’s chest again. “London’s got junkies too, anyway.”

“This is gonna sound really selfish, but…don’t actually move to London,” Ellie’s voice murmurs from above her, and there’s something plaintive to it that makes Lawrence refrain from replying with a joke or a barb like she normally would. The way Ellie follows it up cements that fact. “It would probably be so good for you, but like…Glasgow would be lost without you, genuinely. And so would I.”

Lawrence can’t cry again tonight, even if it’s only because she thinks it’s physically impossible, so she just squeezes Ellie tight until she worries about her ability to breathe. “I’m not going anywhere, hen.”

Lawrence doesn’t even really know what they are, her and Ellie. They both still have Grindr and they talk about their hookups and raised hopes and broken hearts with each other like friends. But they’re not really just that. They’re affectionate, and they open up to each other with the same shared unspoken understanding of something Lawrence doesn’t understand. They hug for too long and cuddle up to each other when they’re together, and Lawrence can’t count the amount of times during filming that she’d find strength in the way Ellie would squeeze her hand without a word. They’ve woken up together too many times (why she’d felt the need to remind Ellie of that while the cameras were rolling, she’ll never know) and kissed each other more than that. Every time they say I love you they mean it, but they also mean a little bit more. There’s no butterflies or fast pulses or fluttering hearts- they’re past that stage. Everything is just natural and normal and easy.

She wonders if they’ll ever put a label on what they have. There’s a part of her that doesn’t ever want to.

“If we’re both still single by the time we’re forty,” Lawrence begins, leaning back to look at Ellie through her glazed, half-drunk half-tired eyes. “…we should just say ‘fuck it’ and get married.”

(She doesn’t even know if it’s a joke or not.)

Ellie laughs as if it is and nods as if it isn’t. “Drag wedding. We’d need to upstage Tayce and A’whora, though.”

Lawrence realises something. “I’ll turn forty two years before you.”

There’s a pause as the song starts to fade out, and it makes Ellie’s murmur seem louder than it is. “That’s okay. We don’t need to wait for me.”

The jolt her words give Lawrence’s heart and the way Ellie’s talking as if it’s an actual plan makes her think maybe it wasn’t really ever a joke after all. It’s ridiculous though, and it’s all theoretical, and it’s a totally hypothetical scenario, and they’re both drunk , for Christ’s sake. So Lawrence pulls out of Ellie’s arms and takes her hands in her own, the song that’s started playing more upbeat and the opening chords inciting some sort of hope and optimism in her heart for the future that’s unfolding for the pair of them.

“One more song then bed?” she suggests. Ellie raises her eyebrows as she looks down at her.

“Whose bed?”

“Shut the fuck up, Dirty Diamond,” Lawrence shoots back without missing a beat, and as the first lines of the song fill the room she leans back and begins to spin the pair of them in a circle, both of them laughing as if everything is as simple as just that room, and the music blaring out from the speakers, and the lights flashing above them drenching them in purple and pink.

Scattered part 2

Part 1

Logince fantasy AU somewhat based off of tsubasa reservoir chronicles

This part is a bit shorter but I figure little and often is the best way to actually get this finished.

(Also in the original drawing this started as Logan and Roman def look older then they’re described here. thats not foreshadowing anything I just hadn’t decided they were gonna be wee)

Logan Sanders is a high school student who loves maths and cats and wishes he didn’t think Elon Musk is as cool as he does

(“Yes I am aware all billionaires are inherently morally deficient but he sent a car into SPACE Roman”)

Roman Prince is Logan’s best friend.

Roman is 5 days younger then Logan and loves singing and theather and getting Passionate About Causes.

They’ve known each other since they were both extremely small. Neither of them can actually remember meeting for the first time but their parents have many, many embarrassing baby photos to share.

People who don’t know them wouldn’t assume they were best friends - they’re the kind of friends who express their love through constant arguing and teasing. Who support each other by pushing each other.

Roman has big dreams and an over active imagination. Logan thinks most of his goals are entirely unrealistic and his life would be vastly improved if he could only Calm Down.

Logan is fastidious and takes forever to complete anything as he has to break it down into 1000 micro tasks which must be ticked off in order. Roman thinks he’s such a stick in the mud life is going to pass him by completely.

Neither of them are much good with other people (Roman being Too Much and Logan being Not Enough) but they’ve got each other. They get each other.

When they were little they used to spend a lot of time at this quirky old antique shop that’s equidistant from both their houses.

The owner is this older dude called Emile who was happy to watch them and would tell them stories about every single item in there.

Roman was always totally enraptured. Logan used to enjoy it but the older he got the more he found himself rolling his eyes at Emile’s stories. They tend to include a lot of magic and silliness and are generally NOT historically accurate.

Also he never seems to sell anything?? Logan once tried to convince him to let him set up an Etsy for the shop but Emile just laughed and said his shop was for granting wishes, not making money.

Logan worries about his business practices.

Anyway.

There’s this dance coming up at school.

Logan doesn’t really like dances or parties but he knows about this one because Roman got himself on the planning committee and hasn’t talked about anything else since.

Roman talks about the colour scheme and the food and the music and the lgbtq+ inclusivity posters he made unprompted. And the timing and the dress code and the drinks and his outfit (he talks a lot about his outfit).

He doesn’t talk about who he’s going with.

He does ask Logan if he’s got a ticket, and then WHY hasn’t he got a ticket and then WILL you get a ticket? For me? I mean, in solidarity with me and the planning committee?

And Logan does because he has a hard time saying no to Roman.

And. Because it’s kindve nice. How badly Roman wants him there.

(And because secretly he thinks it would be kind’ve nice to go to the dance with Roman. Like. Together together.)

He sort of thought maybe Roman was going to ask him. They were watching the Witcher - in their own homes but texting, (and then talking over the phone because Logan has a lot more video game v books v show thoughts then he can quickly express through type) - and Roman interrupted him to say “I needtoaskyousomething...”

-and then there was this pause where Logan absolutely did not hold his breath-

“ .... tomorrow. I’Il ask you tomorrow. Promise.”)

Logan tells himself not to expect anything. Roman could very well be about to ask him to pick up extra napkins for the dance or something. But he’s a little giddy getting ready for school anyway.

They normally meet outside Emile’s shop and walk to school together from there. Today, Logan is there first like normal. Unlike normal Emile actually has a customer - there’s a larger guy standing behind Logan looking at the window display.

Later, Logan will blame the fact that he’s too busy staring at Roman running to meet him, too busy thinking ‘I’ll ask you tomorrow” over and over, too busy standing there being dumb basically - for why he doesn’t notice the guy turn around.

‘The guy’ who doesn’t really have a human face. Or human eyes.

But he’s definitely staring at Roman too.

Bonus doodles: