#thank you again honestly everyone’s kindness is really motivating! i’m working hard to finish the part two of the cat cafe
Note
your writing gives me serotonin and the will to live
thank you for the kind words! i’m so happy you enjoy my writing! i’m surprised by the sheer amount of people who enjoy my writing with my little silly ideas, i’m glad so many people are happy reading what i produce! (*´∀`)♪
#questions of styx.#thank you again honestly everyone’s kindness is really motivating! i’m working hard to finish the part two of the cat cafe#i ended up getting distracted with an au about what if the boys were isekai’d onto Earth while dreaming of my yuu and suddenly…#my hand slipped and i guess i can post that brainrot sometime in the future!! i had to also throw in the touches a mystery object trope.
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nano | day 16
words: 1,779/1,667
notes: if i started a habit of writing early yesterday, i immediately broke it today. i stayed up so late writing to make up which i hope is understandable in the light of finding out my mum has cancer. again. the writers curse strikes me again, i cannot catch a fucking break. alas if i could write through her having cancer the first time and i could write through my dad having cancer last year, i can do it a third time. i very much considered just not writing today but emma reminded me that if i didn't get all the badges on the nanowrimo website by the end of this i would be annoyed with myself and she's right so i kept writing all the way up until 11:45pm
to prevent this from becoming my super lame bummer personal diary i'm going to actually talk about what i worked on today. it was a lot of jumping between stuff (as it always is with me) but i decided i sorta needed to hunker down and write the wedding part of the fic because that's like chapter 2 and the whole set up to the rest of the fake dating. the reason i haven't been working on it is just because i've been dreading it honestly. so far it feels kind of boring but i managed to put together a really cute little dance scene that i'm pretty happy with and i hope you guys will like it just as much as i do
aside from that, today was a lot of just sort of adding more substance to stuff that i already had. i've been feeling like i'm not making a lot of progress lately but i'm reminding myself that even if i only write 50 words on one scene, that is still 50 words i won't have to write later
anyway. thank you everyone for your support on this project. it's been really hard on me and considering everything that's going on, quitting has been veeeerrrryyy tempting but right now i'm determined to see it through, if not for everyone who has said they're looking forward to reading it, then to prove to myself that i can. we were talking in the aan server about binding fics and i think getting this finishing and binding it into a physical copy would be a really good motivator for me. maybe i'll even do a giveaway or something with it. hopefully the only thing that will keep me from finishing nanowrimo is breaking all the bones in my hands, or dying, both of which i have gone 21 years without doing so i think i can go another 2 weeks
quote: as an apology for my long ass rant and for forgetting to put in a quote yesterday, take this whole ass except for today
Couples filled the dance floor and Lucy simply sat and watched, her finger running around the rim of her champagne flute as she quietly yearned to be one of those happy couples.
She glanced up at Natsu and realised that maybe for once she wasn’t just relegated to yearning.
“We should dance,” she said suddenly.
“Don’t wanna,” he drawled.
“Why not?”
“I don’t know how to dance,” Natsu simply shrugged.
“You said you wanted me to be your girlfriend, the least you can do is dance with me,” she scolded, but Natsu seemed to remain unphased. “Fine, I’ll go find someone else,” she huffed. “I’m sure there’s a nice man here who will want to dance with me.”
“No, no, don’t do that,” Natsu immediately backtracked. “I’ll dance with you.”
It had been an empty threat—she had no real intention of finding someone else, but it seemed that Natsu had not quite seen through that and her plan had worked a charm. Grabbing his hand, Lucy led him into the fray of things.
total word count: 30,056/50,000
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puzzle; 8 (FINAL)
➜ you and jungkook are best friends of a lifetime, even though your personalities are like unmatching pieces of a puzzle. the line between friendship and something more has never been crossed between you two - but that changes after a break up and a drunken night, when you not-so-accidentally cross this line to something much more. what happens when after this accident your non-matching puzzle pieces seem to match in a way you’ve never imagined?
pairing: jungkook x (f) reader
genre: smut, angst, comedy; friends with benefits au; college au
warnings: lots of swearing, alcohol consumption, unprotected sex
rating: 18+
word count: 16k
A/N: finally the last chapter! i am actually feeling very emotional right now. i enjoyed writing puzzle so much and it received so much love since the beginning! your feedback always kept me motivated to write. thank you so much to everyone that followed these two dorks and waited patiently for every update. i hope we can meet again in future works!
hmmm, a little rec?? but i listened to sweet night by taehyung as i wrote this chapter. maybe listening to it will enhance your experience too!
enjoy!
➜ Chapters: check up masterlist in bio!
« playlist »
You don’t know how long it has been until Taehyung finds you.
It’s cold. The tears have finally come to a halt, but you’re still sobbing and sniffling. You should probably get up and go home. It’s late. Not safe to be alone on the street like this. You should probably call an uber or something.
Yet, every time you think of Jungkook’s tears, it seems that your own eyes well up with tears all over again.
What makes you snap back into reality is the sound of shoes walking down the stairs.
You get up in a jump, feeling your legs ache in the process, and turn around to see the person you least expected to see right now. Taehyung stops some steps ahead. The light pole behind him marks his silhouette with a halo.
“I finally found you,” he says after a few seconds. He sounds hesitant but somehow relieved.
It makes your heart clench even more.
You make an immense effort to speak, as if words ran over inside your throat and made it stuck. Well, they did, in a sense.
“Taehyung, w-what…?” is all you can stutter. You don’t really need to finish the sentence. What are you doing here? Why did you come after me even though I hurt you?
He looks down and caresses the back of his neck. You notice that he’s nervously fiddling with his car keys on the other hand. Oh. He probably didn’t want to be around you, either.
“Well, you ran away down the street like that. I got worried.”
You shouldn’t.
“It’s… not safe to be by yourself on the street like this. I’m taking you home.”
Please, don’t be kind to me.
It will be much harder if you’re being kind to me.
“Taehyung, I…” you feel yourself squeezing your purse against you, just as nervous as he is. You don’t want to bother him with your presence anymore. “I was about to call an uber. You don’t need to…”
“It’s alright. I’m already here anyway.” He starts to walk up the stairs again without looking back. Without giving you a chance to disagree. “Let’s go.”
It seems that your legs forgot how to walk as you watch him. You don’t want to get inside his car. You don’t want to face him, not right now.
When Taehyung reaches the top of the stair alley, he finally looks back at you in silence.
That’s when you realize that you have to face him. You were never one to run away from the consequences of your actions.
The newest consequence is staring back at you in quiet sadness.
You inhale deeply before going after him.
An awful silence hovers in the air during the entire ride home.
You can’t help but shrink on the passenger’s seat, hugging your own arms tight, your head leaning on the window. Taehyung does not make any attempt to engage a conversation. His presence is suffocating.
Something cold sets in your stomach when he parks the car in front of your apartment’s building. There’s nothing out there to distract you anymore. Nowhere else to run to.
You inhale again.
“Thank you.” you say softly.
Taehyung doesn’t say anything as he rests his hands on his lap. You watch him intently as he gulps, his eyes glued in something ahead.
“So.” He starts, his voice as low as yours. This is painful. It was never your intention to put him in that situation, never. “I don’t want to take a drunk man seriously.”
It’s your turn to gulp. You really really don’t want to explain everything to him in detail. “Mike is a son of a bitch. He got it all wrong.”
“It seems that he got one thing right, though. Judging by Jungkook’s reaction.”
It’s getting difficult to breathe again.
Taehyung turns his head slowly to look at you.
“Are you guys…?”
You honestly feel like jumping out the window, but your feelings for Taehyung make you stay still. He’s a kind friend. He deserves to hear it clearly.
So you take a deep breath before speaking.
“Jungkook and I, we… we were never a real thing. Not really.” It hurts to say this out loud. It seems that you can still hear his broken voice…
There was never anything real happening, right? We were never real.
“B-But recently I realized that I have feelings for him.”
Taehyung nods slowly and sinks on the driver's seat. He rests his chin on his hand, letting a shaky deep breath out.
“Why did you call me today, then?”
“To tell you the truth.”
He gasps softly and shakes his head again. Taehyung has completely broken eye contact with you and his body language looks protective - building an almost visible wall between you and him in seconds.
“Wow. It seems that I was the one who got it all wrong.”
You feel like touching him to give him even a little bit of comfort, yet you know that you’re his main discomfort in the moment. You turn your body in his direction, pleading.
“Taehyung, it wasn’t meant to happen this way. I didn’t want to hurt you, not at all. I know that an apology won't be enough...”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” He cuts you. His voice sounds strange, so different from how he has ever talked to you. He’s very quiet, but you can feel the anger and hurt lying underneath. “We never had anything anyway. I was the delusional one here.”
No, not again. You don’t think you can take more guilt for one night. You didn’t just delude him going on that date; you deluded him every time you talked, every time you texted each other. Taehyung saw something more when there was nothing at all - he felt something more, and you were too confused with your own feelings for Jungkook to notice what you were doing.
“Taehyung…”
“I’m feeling very ashamed right now.” He admits with a shaky exhale. “Could you…?”
He doesn’t finish his sentence, but you know very well what he meant. Leave.
You nod and open the door into the cold night. You still stand there on the sidewalk hesitantly for a few seconds before whispering a shy “I’m sorry”. Taehyung doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even look your way.
When you shut the door, you know very well that from now on, your friendship with Taehyung is also shut.
You’ll miss him really bad.
It feels like you can barely carry the weight of your own body as you slowly make your way to your apartment - which is weird, because you feel empty right now.
Your apartment isn’t as empty as you expected when you open the door, though. Seulgi is standing on the kitchen counter and she smiles wide when she sees you. She looks excited in a way she hasn’t been in months; it seems that she’s about to say something.
Her smile dies as she sees your puffy face and your red nose and eyes.
“Y/N, what happened…?”
For some reason, when you look at her, you start crying again.
Seulgi wides her eyes and runs to where you’re standing, shocked and confused - probably because you have never cried in front of her yet. Never.
“Oh my God, Y/N! What happened?!”
You can’t answer because the sobs won’t let you. You can just rest your face on Seulgi’s shoulder as she hugs you, patting your back. She is so confused that she can’t really think of anything else to do.
After a few minutes of restless crying, Seulgi manages to lead you to sit on the couch and runs back to the kitchen to take a glass of water. She sits by your side and hands you the glass, caressing your hair sweetly.
“Can you talk now, babe? What happened?” She asks again quietly as you try to drink a little bit of water.
You wipe the tears away once again and sniff. This place reminds you of him way too much. It feels that he belongs here, even though it’s not his home. And maybe… maybe he won’t ever step inside, ever again.
“I-It’s J-Jungkook.” it’s hard to speak between the sobs.
“Did you guys fight?” You nod weakly. “Was it that bad?”
Yes. Yes, it was.
After months of pretending, you finally open up to Seulgi. There’s no reason to keep this from her anymore. After Mike’s scandal, that’s probably everything the whole campus will be talking about in the next few days (you saw a lot of familiar faces at the bar).
It seems that Seulgi’s eyes will pop out of her face as you speak.
She stares at you, jaw dropped in pure shock.
“You and Jungkook what?!” is the first thing she exclaims. “Since when?!”
You rest your back on the couch and gaze at the ceiling. The sobs have finally stopped, at least. “Do you remember when I broke up with Mike? When we went to that club?”
“Yes, and you spent the night out…” Seulgi trails off as realization hits her. She stares at you as if you’ve grown a second head. “That guy you were talking about was Jungkook?!”
You just nod.
Seulgi gasps and rests her back on the couch right by your side, your arms touching. She’s speechless for a while.
“But, like… how many times?”
“I don’t know.” She gasps again.
“That many times?”
You nod. “It was almost daily at some point.”
It seems that she can’t close her jaw anymore. “Where?”
“Here. His apartment. His car.” You frown. “Sometimes a cheap hotel downtown, when you and Jimin were both home.”
Seulgi stays quiet for a little longer.
You side eye her. “You didn’t suspect?”
She shakes her head slowly. “I thought you guys were acting strange for a while now, but I never thought this was going on.” She looks back at you. “Did someone know?”
“Jimin caught us once.” you decide to omit where he caught you. It’s embarrassing to say that you fucked inside Joy’s bathroom out loud and it makes you feel even worse. “But he promised to not tell anyone."
Back to silence. You can almost hear the engines inside Seulgi’s brain trying to process everything you just told her.
“But why did you guys fight?”
You take a deep breath before telling her the rest. Taehyung, Joy, Mike, Yeri. It’s quite painful to explain, but it’s also relieving.
If you thought Seulgi looked shocked before, now it looks like she just found out that Santa is real.
She completely turns her body in your direction, eyes super wide. “Do you like Jungkook?”
You nod softly, staring at your own fingers.
“It’s more than just liking him.” You admit sheepishly.
Then she’s quiet for a long, long time. You decide to finally look up at her.
Now you’re surprised.
“Why the hell are you smiling?”
Seulgi hides her mouth with both hands - as if this wouldn’t let you see the big ass grin on her lips. “I’m sorry. It’s… it’s cute.”
“Cute?” you quirk one eyebrow. “My suffering is cute to you?”
“That’s not what I mean.” she waves her hand dismissively. “I always kind of shipped you two, okay? It’s just that you two looked really good together and you always had such good chemistry and all. But I tried to stop thinking this because, you know, I thought it was wrong to assume that a man and a woman can’t be just friends… and it never looked like you had feelings for him, not at all.”
You stare at her as if she has a second head growing now. “You shipped us?”
“You can’t judge me.”
You cross your arms and sink on the couch even more. This is kind of shocking. “You never thought I liked him?”
Seulgi shakes her head. “Never. Jungkook, though…”
You turn your head to look at her so fast that your neck almost breaks. “What about him?”
She hesitates a little bit before speaking. “Well, sometimes… sometimes I caught him looking at you in some type of way.”
There it is again. The fast beating of your heart. It’s ridiculous that, even though you’re this miserable, you still feel this spark of happiness inside of you.
For fuck’s sake, Y/N! I’m in love with you!
You press your lips tight in an attempt to hold back the uninvited smile. It’s not appropriate to feel happy now; it feels that you don’t even have the right to feel happy at all. But his confession is hitting you just now. Hitting you like a truck.
God, if only you could go back in time. If only you could just make him shut the fuck up and listen to you. Why did he have to be so damn dramatic?
I love you too, dumbass! Now stop being a cry baby and kiss me!
What if Jungkook never gives you a chance to explain yourself? He can be hard-headed when he wants to. What if Jungkook never lets you get close to him again, what if your intimacy finally dies, what if you get so distant that when you’re in the same room you can’t bear each other’s presence anymore? What if from now on, there won’t be any Jungkook to steal your fries when you’re not looking, or to let you steal his clothes even though he pretends he doesn’t know you’re taking them, or to help you understand a difficult assignment, or to annoy you because he’s bored at 4AM, or to tell you the things no one else would be brave enough to tell you or to just be there when you needed someone the most?
Your brain can’t even comprehend what life without Jungkook is.
A mix of despair and hurry makes you get up in a jump.
“I’m going to his apartment.” Your breath is irregular, adrenaline taking control of your actions. “I-I need to talk to him now.”
“Hey, hey!” Seulgi gets up in a jump and puts her hands on your shoulders, forcing you to stop. “Y/N, you’re not okay. And you said Jungkook is drunk. Do you really think you’ll manage to have a civilized conversation right now? He’s probably still angry, maybe he won’t even listen to you.”
“I don’t care. I’ll shout on his door until he listens to me.”
Seulgi holds you in place again when you try to free yourself from her grip. “This is not a good idea and you know it.” She looks at you very seriously. “Take a shower, Y/N. Go to sleep. Tomorrow you’ll both be cold-headed and able to talk.”
“B-But,” you feel the tears coming back. Fuck. You hold Seulgi’s arms weakly. “But he needs to know the truth. He needs to know I like him back.”
The black-haired girl frowns. “Like him back…?”
You nod and look down. “He… he said that he’s in love with me.”
“Really?!” Seulgi huffs and taps your forehead lightly. “Then why are you so desperate?! He loves you back, dummy!”
“But I’m scared, Seulgi.” You sniff.
She rolls her eyes and pushes you into another hug. “Everything will be okay, Y/N. There’s no need to be worried. You already know the most important. Tomorrow you go talk to him, alright?” She chuckles softly. “Never thought I’d see you acting like this.”
You sniff again. “Now you understand how it is to deal with a stupid lovesick roommate.”
“Ouch.” You notice how she pats your back a bit aggressively. “But for real, Y/N… I’ll always be thankful for what you did today to me and Irene. Even though it was none of your business. And I’ll probably beat you up if you ever intervene in my life like that again-”
“Wow, I really see how you’re thankful, Seul.” She chuckles again.
"And I'm kind of offended that you hid this from me for so long."
"We promised we wouldn't tell anyone about this!"
"Alright, alright." She sighs. “I love you so much, you crackhead. And Jungkook loves you, too. You don’t need to be sad anymore, okay? Just take a shower and go to sleep now.”
You nod weakly.
Maybe she’s right. You’ll have enough time to talk to him tomorrow.
But you don’t think you’ll get any sleep right now.
***
[you]: jungkook
[you]: can we talk?
[you]: we really really need to talk
[you]: can i go to your place?
[you]: please
[you]: i know you’re reading
[you]: stop ignoring me
[you]: jungkook
[you]: JUNGKOOK
You sigh heavily. This is so frustrating. He didn’t even leave you on read - you’re sure he’s just reading the texts on the notifications and swiping them away. He didn’t block your number, which is a good sign, but this is already getting on your nerves. You’ve been texting since early in the morning (because you couldn’t sleep) and it’s already 5PM.
“He’s ignoring my texts.” You whine to Seulgi as you enter the living room.
“You said he had things to do today, right? Maybe he’s actually busy.” She says as she checks her makeup on the mirror. It’s been a long time since you saw her getting all pretty like this; she did her nails, made curls on her hair, put on that green skirt she bought months ago but never wore it. This is what being happy and in love looks like. Pretty, well-dressed, nice hair, healthy skin and all.
Meanwhile, your hair looks like a bird nest, you’re wearing the ugly Naruto t-shirt you have since middle school, your entire face is swollen and you have bags under your eyes. This is also what being in love looks like, unfortunately.
“Why don’t you just go to his apartment already?”
“You told me not to do it.”
“I told you not to do it yesterday. Today he’s not drunk anymore.”
You cross your arms. “I’m… I’m still kind of nervous.”
Seulgi turns around and looks at you and quirks her eyebrow. There’s the ghost of a smirk on her lips. “I never thought I’d see you nervous because of anyone. You look like a teenager…”
"I swear to God, if you say that you think I look cute one more time I'll fucking kill you."
Seulgi laughs and runs to you again, putting her hands on your shoulders. "Y/N, do you remember how you were always telling me that I was complicating simple things?"
"Yes."
She lifts her eyebrows. "So."
You roll your eyes and huff. "But it's not that easy!"
"Now you understand how I felt, huh?" Her eyes soften again. "For real, though. If you show up at his door he won't ignore you, I'm sure. Just go."
You sigh again and nod. "You're right. Just… let me build some courage, okay?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" She looks a bit worried. "I could go out with Irene another day."
"No, no. Go on your date." You wave your hands. "I'm not gonna die. Also, your pussy must be dusty after so long-"
She smacks your shoulder a bit too strongly as you let yourself laugh for the first time today.
When Seulgi leaves, you still stand in the middle of the living room for a good while. Like a Sim whose action has just been cancelled.
Whoever is playing you is really evil for putting all the wrong people in the wrong places past night.
You know that you’re not being rational. You should have gone to his house a long time ago… but something holds you back. Perhaps because now there’s no turning back. You know what you feel for Jungkook and you know what he feels for you - your relationship got completely out of its comfort zone, and now you can’t even pretend anymore. Things won’t ever be the same.
Maybe Jungkook is ignoring you because he’s embarrassed of what Mike did. He basically exposed you two in front of his friends. Sure, that’s none of no one’s business, but still… Jungkook didn’t want anyone to know about it in the first place.
You stare at your phone for a good while. Your reflection on the phone’s screen stares back at you in disgust.
For the hundredth time today, you unlock it and open Jungkook’s number. Your thumbs hover over the keyboard hesitantly.
[you]: jungkook i know youre mad at me and you have all the rights to be but
You frown and delete the text. It doesn’t sound good.
[you]: can you stop being dramatic and just text me back already?
You feel tempted to send this one, but if Jungkook’s angry, this will only make the situation worse. You sigh and try again one more time
[you]: i just really want to talk. you didnt let me speak last night. i know youre probably busy but please. i wont take much of your time
This one sounds about right. You tap the send button.
Then, your fingers mindlessly type one more text. It makes your heart beat fast just looking at it.
[you]: i love you too
You want to send this one so bad.
But you don’t.
Because this isn’t something to be told by text.
Coward! the angry voice of your consciousness yells in your mind. Stop being a coward! You’re an evolved human being, not a stupid teenager! Get this ass up the couch and go meet him!
You get up in a jump.
“I’m not a coward!” you say out loud. If you weren’t this out of your mind, you would have noticed how stupid it was to scream encouraging words by yourself in the living room.
But you don’t care right now.
You don’t care that your face is all puffy and the dark circles around your eyes make you look like a raccoon. You don’t care that you’re wearing your ulgy Naruto t-shirt with old ketchup stains, and you don’t care that you’re wearing the sweatpants that fall down your butt as you walk, and you don’t care that your hair looks like a living animal.
You just straight out leave your home and march to his. Flip flops and all.
Your heart beats at a stupid race as you walk, the sun already disappearing behind the buildings. The anxious part of your brain keeps reminding you that you don’t know what to say when you meet him and you don’t know what his reaction will be, but you shut this whiny voice up. Being with Jungkook always meant that you didn’t have to think a lot in the first place. Being with him is natural, it takes no effort. When you see him you’ll know what to say. You’re sure.
Yet, you can’t help but feel more and more nervous as you enter his apartment building (you never needed to ask permission to enter). You close your hands in fists, gulp multiple times, your heartbeat sounds like drums on your ears.
Your hand hovers over the door.
“Shit,” you whisper to yourself. It’s real. It’s happening. Come on. Don’t be a coward.
After taking one more deep breath, you finally knock on the door.
There’s noise inside. Steps. Fuck, you’re shaking.
You hear the sound of the door unlocking and you hold your breath ready to face him-
Jimin.
He widens his eyes and blinks.
“Oh. Hi, Jimin.” you say awkwardly. Why is he looking at you this way? “Hm, is Jungkook home?”
Jimin looks hesitant for a moment.
“No.”
It’s your turn to widen your eyes. So that’s why he isn't texting you back. This makes you a bit relieved.
“Is… is he working?” You can’t hide your disappointment.
“Not yet. He starts tomorrow.”
You put your hands on your waist and walk from side to side as Jimin just watches you in silence.
“Jimin, at what time he’ll be home tomorrow? Do you think it’ll be too late in the night? I really need to talk to him, but that fucker keeps ignoring my texts.”
You don’t like the face Jimin is making now.
You really don’t like it.
He scratches the back of his neck and frowns. “He… he didn’t tell you?”
This makes you stop.
“Tell me what?”
Jimin exhales and gulps.
“He told you that he’ll start working for Mr. Choi, right? That director.”
“Yes.” Each word of his makes you more and more worried.
“So… this project he’s involved in…” Jimin licks his lips before continuing. “It’s overseas.”
You stare at him in silence as this information sinks in.
“Overseas?! Are you telling me he fucking left the country?!”
“Yes.”
You can’t believe what you just heard.
“B-But- yesterday Jungkook and I were planning to go out! This makes no sense!”
“Well,” Jimin looks hesitant again. “In fact, his flight is tomorrow morning, but he left earlier because we kind of had an argument.” He sends you an apologetic gaze. “He was drunk yesterday and all and I was trying to calm him down and I might have accidentally let it slip that I knew about you two, and this kinda pissed him off even more because, well, he was drunk and you know how Jungkook gets stupid when he’s drunk, so I think he left to his parent’s house and he’ll head to the airport tomo- wait, are you crying?!”
You sniff and hide your face behind your hands.
“Oh my God,” Jimin sounds confused and borderline panicked as he watches you start sobbing again. “Y/N, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“B-Because h-he-!” you can’t fucking speak anymore.
Jimin puts a hand on your back and guides you to sit on the couch. He brings some tissues and pats your back awkwardly as you cry and sob like stupid.
“W-Why didn’t he tell me he was l-leaving?” you ask yourself.
Jimin sighs. “Y/N, it’s not like he’s leaving forever. It’s just for this project. He’ll be back by the end of the week.”
“B-But he would’ve told me something so important!” You blow your nose. Jimin frowns. “I didn’t know this project was so huge! What, is it a movie or something?”
“It’s a music video.” You stare at Jimin in disbelief. “Jungkook has been around the recording studio with Namjoon and Yoongi a lot. He ended up meeting Mr. Choi, who has been directing some music videos for Big Hit Records’ artists. He liked Jungkook’s work and invited him to work as an assistant… I mean, the assistant of the assistant, as Jungkook himself said.”
You exhale, feeling your shoulders drop. “Why didn’t he tell me this?”
Jimin’s eyes soften. “Your friendship hasn’t been in the best shape these days, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t think it was this bad.”
You rest your elbows on your legs and hide your face behind your hands again. You didn’t want to be crying this bad again, yet you just can’t stop. You don’t even know why you’re crying anymore. Jimin just caresses your back in silence as your sobs start quieting down.
“You were right,” you say at some point.
“What?”
“When you told me not to hurt him. I was hurting him and I didn’t even realize. I’m so stupid.”
Jimin tilts his head. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, Y/N. You were both stupid.” You side eye him.
“Jungkook said that he’s in love with me.” This makes him quirk his eyebrows.
“Oh.”
“You don’t look very surprised.”
“I’m not.”
“Did… did he tell you?”
“No.”
“Was it that obvious?”
Jimin presses his lips together hesitantly. “Do you want me to comfort you or do you want me to be honest?”
“Be honest.”
“It was pretty fucking obvious that he’s in love with you. At least for me.”
You exhale and swipe your hands over your face. “I’m so stupid!” you repeat.
“Look, Y/N, to be honest, I think Jungkook is the most stupid. He was torturing himself with this fuck buddies thing, you know? He agreed to it in the first place. Everyone knows that this type of thing shouldn’t involve feelings, but he was the one to throw himself into it while he already had feelings.”
“It’s not like he’s the only one, though.”
Jimin seems about to say something, but he stops and stares at you, jaw-dropped.
“Wait, what do you mean?”
You rest your back on the couch. “I mean that I was also stupid enough to throw myself into it while having feelings.”
He’s quiet for a few more seconds.
“Do you mean that you like him back?”
You don’t answer.
Much like Seulgi, it looks like Jimin just discovered something world-shocking. “Since when? Have you liked him since the beginning?”
You sigh sadly.
“No, I haven’t. To me, it was just fun. Until I realized that he was getting too far from my reach and- and I realized that Jungkook has never been too far, never, and I don’t know what to do when he’s not around.” You sniff. You’re not talking to Jimin anymore at this point; you’re talking to yourself. “Y-You know, now that I think about it, I… I guess I understand why it was always so good. Not just because he fucks good or because of his big dick-”
“I don’t need to hear this, do I?” Jimin whines in disgust.
“-but because it was him.” One more tear rolls down your cheek. “It was good because it was with him.”
The way you always felt comfortable to be naked in front of him. How it was always lighthearted and fun and exciting. You had good sex with other people before, but never like this. Maybe because these other people didn’t have Jungkook’s handsome smile or because their eyes didn’t gleam with excitement the way his does or because they didn't smell like baby powder. Or maybe because it was never scary to be exposed in front of him because he already knew everything about you - there wasn’t really anything else to expose.
Jungkook felt like home.
Now, you feel homeless.
You wipe the tears away once more and look at Jimin-
“Why are you smiling?”
Doesn’t this scene look familiar?
“I’m sorry, it’s just that- wow, I don’t even know what to say.” Jimin doesn’t even try to hide his smile. “I’ve been waiting so long for this. Like, I kind of suspected that you had feelings for him, but I couldn’t be sure because you’re a hard bitch to read. To be honest, when I saw what you two were doing I wanted to kill you because you couldn’t be this blind to not realize how he feels about you-”
“Can you stop being honest for a moment?”
“Oh.” Jimin gulps, but he can’t stop smiling. “I’m sorry.”
You sigh again and cross your arms. “What if he never lets me explain myself, Jimin?”
“Stop the drama.” Jimin’s voice hardens suddenly. “You two are very similar in this sense, you know? I’m sure that Jungkook will listen to whatever you have to say. And he’ll be away for just four days! It’s not like he’s leaving forever.”
You sit there in silence for some moments. You’re sure that if you tell that you’re scared to talk to Jungkook, he will probably beat you up. He never had that much patience.
Jimin exhales heavily and gets up. “Wait a minute.” You watch as he walks into Jungkook’s empty bedroom, frowning. He stays there for a little while. When he comes back to the living room, he stops in front of you and hands you something.
“Jungkook’s gonna kill me when he finds out, but I don’t care.”
“What is this-?”
“Just take it already. And watch it when you’re back home. It’s so personal that I got uncomfortable the first time I watched it.”
“Then why are you giving it to me-?”
“Just fucking take it, Y/N!”
You take the small device before Jimin makes you swallow it.
He smiles sweetly.
“Everything will be fine, okay? Don’t worry. I’m always right.”
You stare at the small black pen drive in between your fingers.
This time, you genuinely hope he’s right.
You had honestly forgotten how it feels to get drunk.
At the same time that the dizziness feels familiar, it's also hitting you like a truck. Your friends didn't believe you when you said that you'd stop drinking, yet you've been loyal to your word. Of course, it's not like you didn't drink anything in all those months, but a single beer isn't the same as a pack of beer.
The way your body's responding to the alcohol in your system isn't right. Your stomach is already tangling around itself, you can't walk a straight line from the couch to the kitchen counter without feeling that there's holes opening on the floor, and your thoughts are more incomprehensible than usual. You'd usually not get drunk so fast - and surely not with just beer. You're the girl that was still very sober after many tequila shots that time a random date of yours was trying to get you drunk - he ended up drunk after a few shots, of course, and you left the son of a bitch alone while he vomited on himself.
Being in love sure has changed you a lot.
Look, it's not the first time you drink to forget about your problems. You've been doing that since high school and you're tired of hearing Jungkook say how this behavior is unhealthy (he's right, as usual). This time, though, you're not forgetting about your problems, you're just thinking about them more.
It doesn't help that you're listening to Seulgi's playlist on Spotify called "i miss you irene." You laughed your ass off when you found out she really made a heartbreak playlist and named it like that. "You're torturing yourself, Seulgi," you told her. I mean, why would someone sad listen to songs that will only make them more sad?
Well.
Here you are now, laying on the carpet as Spending my Time by Roxette is blasting on the speakers.
People really knew how to write heartbreak songs back in the 90s.
"Fuck you, Jungkook." you mumble, staring at the ceiling. "I'm shoving alcohol up my ass. You can't tell me what to do."
Jungkook, that fucker. Why didn’t he listen to you? Why didn’t you shut him up? If there was a way to go back in time you’d do it. You wouldn’t have kissed Taehyung, you wouldn’t let him get the wrong impression. You wouldn’t have encouraged Jungkook to be with Joy. Fuck, if you could go back in time you would have woken up that first morning in Jungkook’s bed and said that it meant a lot to sleep with him, that you were willing to not be just friends anymore.
(Of course, back then you didn’t feel that way, but you’re drunk and sad. Give yourself a break.)
Now, you can’t tell him what you feel because he’s somewhere overseas. He probably bought new clothes for such an important occasion. You imagine him being in a real set for the first time, his eyes gleaming as he watches the staff working, him trying to hold his excited smile back because he’s supposed to look professional and-
You sniff. You have a stuffy nose. Fuck.
You're so drunk that you can't really control your actions anymore. If Seulgi were here, she would probably stop you. But she's not here. She's somewhere with Irene.
So you take your phone, tap the Instagram app and start typing.
[@you]: hell o 😅😂🤣😊
[@you]: its been a log time how u doing???
[@you]: what if we meeet????
And unfortunately, she replies.
[@yerimiese]: hi 🤗
[@yerimiese]: yeah, sure!
[@yerimiese]: when can we meet?
It’s the back pain that makes you wake up the next day because you slept on the floor. You’re dizzy and confused, your poor brain trying to understand what’s happening, why you’re on the floor, why there’s so many empty beer cans around you and why your phone is flashing with notifications from last night.
When your sight finally adjusts to the light your phone screen produces, your eyes widen and you stand up in a jump, making your back ache even more.
Did you seriously DM Yeri and she seriously agreed to meet you?!
It’s currently 11:40 AM - and you agreed to meet at noon.
You run to your bedroom so fast that it makes you dizzy and you end up hitting your hip against the doorframe and it feels like you fucking broke it. You just have time to wear the first clean clothes you see laying around, tie your hair up and run to take the first bus you see.
You could’ve just told Yeri that you weren’t going anymore, of course, even though she agreed to meet you and it would’ve been kind of rude. You know it’s going to be the most awkward moment ever to see her after so long, especially now that you have feelings for her ex. Gosh - you’re already feeling so much embarrassment that you feel like jumping out of the bus and running back home. Why the fuck do you always end up doing stupid things when you’re drunk?!
But again - it’s that same chaotic side of you that makes you stay inside the bus and meet her. This chaotic side takes a good portion of your personality, it just gets more outgoing when you’re drunk. The same chaotic side that made you start some friends with benefits bullshit with your best friend just because you liked the idea of not being caught and the same chaotic side that made you passive aggressively flirt with Taehyung when you didn’t really want anything with him-
How the fuck did your friends even stand you?!
You’re forced to stop the existential crisis when you see that you arrived at the park. You feel a shiver run down your spine.
Yeri is sitting on the bus stop.
She looks prettier than you remember; her hair is short and blonde now, which makes her look more mature. Yeri was always one to walk around well dressed, but right now it feels almost humiliating that she's all pretty when you literally look like a scarecrow.
She smiles awkwardly and gets up. You didn't even say anything yet and it already feels awkward.
"I’m so sorry, Yeri,” is the first thing you say as you approach each other. “Did I make you wait too long?”
“No! It’s alright. I also got a little bit late.” She says, smiling prettily. Pretty is a word that overall describes her very well. “So, how you’re doing?”
“I’m doing fine!” You’re doing anything but fine at the moment. “What about you?”
“I’m fine, too.”
Silence.
My good Lord.
You start to regret all of your life choices right here and right now. You don’t see this girl in almost a year, you’re not close anymore, you know nothing about her life. Why the fuck did you even come anyway?! The awkwardness is so big that you can almost touch it.
There’s also a small and annoying thought that grows as you watch her - a thought you try very hard to ignore, but you can’t - that this is the girl Jungkook used to fuck before he started fucking you, that he used to go down on her and that he used to be inside of her and that those pretty lips of her once were around his cock and for some reason you start getting really angry-
“Do you wanna have a drink?” Yeri suddenly says.
You blink. “Hm… it’s 12PM.”
“And?” She quirks an eyebrow.
She’s perceptive, this one. Nothing’s better to break the ice than alcohol.
You don’t even know what you’re doing here anyway, so who cares?
“Sure. I know a bar nearby.”
Yeri slams the empty glass on the counter and stares at you, shocked.
“Mike did what?!”
You nod and swallow one more shot. Your tastebuds are so used (even calloused) from this bitter taste that you don’t even scowl as the drink slides down your throat. “Yeah. It seems that he was cheating on me for a while with that bitch. I caught them inside the lab.”
Yeri stares ahead. She looks speechless. “I will be honest… I heard that he was cheating on you, but I never thought this happened.” She shakes her head slowly. “Why the fuck were they inside a lab anyways? Are they stupid?”
“The lab was deactivated. That part of the science building was being renovated.” You sigh. Reviving those memories is kind of painful right now, especially after what Mike did to you some nights ago. Honestly, he could die and you wouldn’t care. “I was looking for him. His friends told me he went in that direction… well, kinda weird that they snitched on him like that. Maybe they really didn’t know. Anyways, I still don’t know how they got the key to the lab.”
Yeri nods. “Wow… I am really, really shocked. You guys were a pretty couple.” She gesticulates with her hand. “One more shot, please.”
“Me too, please.” You say.
The bartender looks at you two with visible worry. There’s no one else in the bar - who the fuck drinks so much this early? Wait, why is this bar even opened this early? - so he’s obviously hearing your whole conversation. You wonder what’s his opinion on your fucked up love life.
“Are you sure, girls? Shouldn’t you slow down a little bit?” He asks hesitantly.
You wave your hand dismissively. “Nah, we’re good.” You’re still not dizzy, just a little talkative. Getting drunk yesterday seemed to awaken all of your high tolerance superpowers. Pretty Yeri also isn’t one to get drunk that easily.
“We’re strong girls.” She reassures. The bartender shrugs as he prepares two more shots. “You seemed to like him a lot.”
“I did.” You admit.
“And he seemed to like you, too. I never expected that. Well… to be honest, Jungkook sometimes told me that he didn’t like Mike and that he was sure that he wasn’t a good guy.”
The sudden mention of his name makes you freeze. You realize that Yeri freezes, too. It seems that she’s also surprised for bringing him up like this. Yeri looks down at the new shot the bartender just placed in front of you two.
“It seems that he was right. As usual.” She finishes in a much lower voice, drinking her shot in one go.
This single sentence makes you realize that “Jungkook” is still a delicate topic for her. Of course it’d be - you don’t know much about their break up, but you sure know it was anything but friendly. Jungkook got pretty fucked up for a few weeks after their break up - and the fact that he refuses to talk about it to this day is enough of an indication.
Shit.
“Anyways, it didn’t stop there.” You decide to go back to your suffering for now, so she can get distracted. “The day before yesterday I bumped into him. He was drunk and made a scandal. Called me a bitch in front of everyone.”
Yeri gasps and looks at you wide eyed. “What? Please, tell me someone punched the fuck out of him!”
“Yeah, my friend did before I could.” You’re not telling her which friend, of course. “It was satisfying. Still made me feel really bad, though.”
“You shouldn’t. You did nothing wrong, Y/N. He’s the son of a bitch here.” Yeri reassures.
You nod and drink. “But enough of talking about my depressing love life. What about you?”
Yeri sighs, holding the small cup with both hands. “I’m doing fine, I guess. Didn’t really get serious with anyone yet. I’m seeing a guy, though. I don’t think I like him yet, but he’s about right. Who knows?” She says, shrugging.
You nod slowly. We’re getting into dangerous waters now. “I’m glad we’re both moving on, I guess.”
Yeri goes quiet for a while.
“Yeah. I guess so.”
A deep silence settles after this. You stare at the empty cup blankly, feeling the tension building up.
"I… have to be honest." Yeri starts quietly. "It was surprising that you called me after so long." She taps her nails on the counter slowly. "And I have the feeling that you called me for a very specific reason."
You nod slowly. She's not stupid. "You're right."
Yeri hesitates for a second. "You didn't… Jungkook didn't ask you to come here to talk to me, right?"
You almost gasp. Jungkook doesn't even dream that you're with her right now. "No, no. He didn't. You know I'm kinda nosy, but I have my limits too."
Yeri quirks her eyebrows and nods. You really hope that this tiny thing you saw deep in her eyes wasn't disappointment. You really hope that deep down Yeri doesn't still like him.
"So… why did you call me, then?"
You sigh. She came all this way just to meet you, so you have to at least be honest right now.
"I was drunk yesterday when I texted you."
"Oh." Yeri widens her eyes. "I thought there was something wrong with you by the way you were texting."
You chuckle. "But… I did call you because of Jungkook, somehow." You say carefully, She stiffens. "I know it's kinda cruel to do this. If you want to simply leave or if you want to slap me, I won't judge you. But… we had a really ugly fight these days and I don't know what to do. I was hoping that maybe… maybe you could help me understand him."
Yeri goes very, very quiet after this.
"Did you guys fight because of me?" She asks after a while.
"No and yes." Yeri was one of the things that got you overthinking anyways. "I… I really need to know. Again, you don't need to tell me if you don't want to. But… why did you guys break up?"
Yeri turns her head slowly to look at you. There's something very serious and hardened on her eyes.
"He never told you." It wasn't a question. You shake your head. "Well, I figured he wouldn't." She looks back to the cup between her hands; you can see she's thinking hard. "Y/N, I always admired your friendship with him. What you have is something truly special. Maybe you won't want to know why. Maybe I don't want to tell you because I don't want to destroy your friendship."
"My relationship with Jungkook won't ever go back to what it used to be anyways. I don't care."
Yeri looks surprised. She still hesitates for some moments - what makes your blood boil in expectation - but finally sighs and nods.
"Alright, then." She crosses her arms. "I broke up with him because of you."
You stare at her, jaw dropped.
"What? What did I do?" You ask, genuinely confused.
"You did nothing." She chuckles drily. "That's why I couldn't hate you, you know. And I tried to hate you really hard."
You don't know what to say. Some girls Jungkook had some sort of relationship with were very jealous of you, you knew, but Yeri was different. "Were you… were you jealous of me and him? But Yeri- you know we weren't like that."
This is not a lie. You weren't like that while they still dated. You were too stupidly in love with Mike to notice the person that was standing right by your side all along.
"I know." She nods. "I know you didn't. But Jungkook did."
You freeze.
"What?"
Yeri finally looks at you again - clear sadness on her eyes.
"Jungkook loves you. Not in a way a friend does."
You’re absolutely speechless.
Your heart is beating so fast that you think you’re about to faint. Your brain malfunctions and it seems that you lost the ability to speak for a few moments. This shouldn’t shock you - Jungkook confessed his feelings himself not long ago, and Jimin also said how he knew about Jungkook’s feelings - goddamn, even Seulgi noticed it a little bit. But back then? When he was still dating Yeri?
“B-But Yeri-” you hate the way you’re stuttering and you hate how Yeri is telling you something she obviously doesn’t like, but you still feel so fucking happy and fuzzy inside. “Jungkook was in love with you. I’m sure.”
“I thought so, too. And he thought he was in love with me.” Yeri stares ahead again, and in this moment you realize that yes, it still hurts her. “You know… Jungkook was too much like a dream.” She chuckles to herself, as if she can’t believe in what she’s saying. “He was perfect in every sense. His good looks, the way he was always so sweet… God, even the way he’s in bed.” Yes, he’s unbeatable in bed, you want to agree. “Too perfect to be true.”
Yeri goes quiet again for a while. She stares at the cup as if it’s showing her something important she can’t look away from.
“I started to realize why it was so perfect.” Her voice sounds painfully fragile. “He was trying too hard. Always trying his best. At first I thought that it was a good thing… We all want someone that’s always trying their best for you, right? But then… then, I started to watch how he acted when he was around you. Y-You know what’s worst in all this? It’s not like you two gave me actual reason to be jealous. You were never touchy around each other. You were even dating back then, and you two avoided going out together because Mike and Jungkook never got along well. I know it.” She sounds like she wants to cry. It makes you feel really, really bad.
“But… fuck, it was the way Jungkook acted with you, the way he talked to you, the way he looked at you, that smile he just showed when you were around. With you, he wasn’t trying anything. He didn’t need to try. I saw how he was so comfortable around you and… well, I didn’t need to be a genius to understand that he was so stupidly in love with you that it got him blind.” Yeri inhales and exhales deeply. “Jungkook was too much like a dream. But everyone has to wake up sometime, and I didn’t want to be there when he woke up from his. So I left him before I could get any more hurt.”
You can just stare at her, jaw dropped, adrenaline making your breathing shaky.
“Yeri, I never… I didn’t…” you stupidly stutter.
“I know you didn’t.” She nods. “I even pitied Jungkook, you know. Because he didn’t want to see what he really felt, and because you obviously didn’t feel the same.” Yeri chuckles. “That’s why I can’t hate you. That’s also what gave me some sense of revenge. At least he’s suffering a little bit.”
You’re both very, very quiet for some time.
“I’m sorry.” You say quietly. She doesn’t know you’re apologizing for putting her under the torture of telling those memories that are still painful for her. You weren’t expecting that Yeri still felt so affected by her past relationship even after so long.
“You don’t need to apologize.” She shakes her head slowly. “It wasn’t meant to be. That’s all. We would both keep suffering like that.” Yeri exhales again and looks at you. “Well… I guess I’m going now. I really hope I didn’t completely kill your relationship with him.”
She didn’t.
She quite helped to save it, actually.
Yeri takes some money from her purse and puts it over the counter, paying for her drinks. As she gets up from the stool, you say:
“Thank you for telling me, Yeri. I really wish you all the happiness you deserve.”
The blonde girl opens a small smile. You see why Jungkook fell - well, at least thought he fell - for her. Maybe Yeri doesn’t know it, but she also looks like a dream. You just hope she’ll find someone that will wake her up to see the most beautiful, warm and lovely reality.
“Thanks. See you around.”
She leaves.
You just sit there, all alone, staring at the counter.
Well- not exactly alone.
The bartender is furiously side-eyeing you.
“What?” You ask drily.
He presses his lips together. “I don’t think I should say anything…”
You tilt your head. “Go ahead. You heard everything anyway.”
The bartender stops in front of you. There’s something wise about him. That’s probably the result of hearing hundreds and hundreds of love stories every night - day, in your case.
“That dude you guys were talking about,” he says. “Your friend. You like him, right?”
You stare at him seriously. “Why would you think that?”
“Because your eyes lit up so much as she talked that I thought you were going to explode.”
Fuck. You can’t even pretend anymore. You avoid his gaze, embarrassed, and nod. “I do.”
He lifts his eyebrows. “Then, and excuse my intrusive ass, what the fuck are you waiting for?” He almost looks annoyed, as if he’s having to explain something painfully obvious. “Go after him, woman!”
You stare at him.
He’s right.
What the fuck are you waiting for?
Oh, right. You’re waiting until he comes back, because he’s fucking overseas.
It makes you so, so angry. After everything you just heard, after everything you’re feeling right now, you wanted nothing more but to run to him and make him listen to you. You want to see him, to hug him, to make him understand that he’s your most important person in the world, that you can’t see yourself in a world where he isn’t around.
But guess what - you’ll have to wait three days to meet him.
You look so grumpy on your way back home that people deliberately avoid looking at you. Seulgi and Irene are there when you arrive; Seulgi looks worried, Irene looks confused, you just decide to say you’re alright and lock yourself inside your bedroom because you can’t physically look at a happy couple right now.
You throw yourself on the bed and scream against a pillow.
If someone told you you’d be feeling so many things when all of this started, you wouldn’t have believed. You were always someone to continuously keep the fuck it button pressed - or at least, you pretended you did. Like that, you could trick your heart into believing you weren’t hurt by some jerk who cheated on you, that you didn’t feel like a piece of shit for drowning your problems in alcohol, that you didn’t care that most of your “friends” just cared about you when it came to parties and having fun, that there was never really anyone that truly took you seriously in a relationship.
It’s really easy to pretend those things aren’t real. But it’s just like Yeri said - one moment, everyone has to wake up. To you, waking up means facing the consequences of your actions, to face your feelings.
And it really hurts right now.
It also reminds you that the person you’d usually let your guard down for was Jungkook. You were never embarrassed to be weak in front of him - and it was the other way round. You were always in tune. Always in synergy.
This makes you remember the little black pen drive laying on the nightstand.
You sit in a jump, taking your laptop and the pen drive. Just feeling the device between your fingers makes you feel nervous… that’s why you still didn’t check what’s inside of it yet. Jimin said it was something personal. You’ve been hesitating to see whatever it is.
It can’t be bad, can it?
You plug the pen drive in your laptop.
The files tab pops up. There’s actually only one file inside the pen drive - a video. It’s called euphoria final test i swear to god.
You chuckle. This is so Jungkook.
Your finger still hovers over the touchpad hesitantly. It looks like one of Jungkook’s test videos - you’ve seen plenty of those. Nothing new. Nothing to be scared of. You double click.
The video opens up and fills up the screen.
It’s a vertical video recorded on selfie mode. Jungkook is walking down the university hall; he has a playful smile on his lips. The video shows you walking by his side, a grumpy expression on your face.
You remember this. He actually posted this on his Instagram stories around one year ago. His hair was way shorter back then. Why does he still have something so silly?
“Y/N’s team lost the championship.” Jungkook says. Of course he looks happy. He roots for the rival team. “How are you feeling right now?”
“Fuck you.” Is all you say.
Jungkook laughs loudly.
Another video.
A song kicks in.
It starts with the sweet melody of a piano. You frown, not recognizing this song at all.
Then the voice of the singer kicks in, and you feel your whole body freezing.
It’s Jungkook’s voice.
He sounds soft and angelic as you’ve always known - only this time, through professional mics and mixing. This itself is already shocking. You always felt blessed for being one of the few people to know of Jungkook’s singing ability, but this is different. He sounds like a professional singer, someone that makes a living out of it.
You remember Namjoon’s voice.
Hah, Jungkook didn’t tell you yet? He has been working with us! We’re doing a good job. He lent his voice to record some demos.
You then remember what Jungkook told you.
I… I kind of helped them write a song. I felt kind of inspired. It was just for fun, though.
Maybe I’ll let you listen to it any other day.
Is… is this the song he was talking about?
Jungkook’s sweet voice sings:
You are the sunlight that rose again in my life
A reincarnation of my childhood dreams
I don’t know what these emotions are
Am I still dreaming?
Your breathing is irregular. Your fingers are shaking slightly.
Because as if his voice wasn’t enough to singlehandedly make you feel completely lost, the video is still passing on.
Videos of you.
You sitting on the university’s library, reading a book. You crying that time you ate tacos that were way too spicy, Jungkook’s laughter from behind his phone ringing softly over the song. You playing Just Dance with Seulgi, ridiculously trying to follow the doll’s moves on the TV. You running after Jungkook down the hall as he laughs because he stole your last cookie. You dancing around your kitchen as you prepare breakfast. You and him singing to Staying Alive that night at Burger King, both of you visibly drunk. Your shocked reaction as you watched a plot twist unfold on the TV - an anime he insisted so much for you to watch that you ended up watching.
I hear the ocean from far away
Across the dream, past the woods
I'm following this clarity
Take my hands now
You are the cause of my euphoria
You remember some of those videos. He posted some of them on his Instagram or Snapchat. Some of them you sent him yourself. Some of them, though, you had no idea that existed. Videos of you doing… nothing. Scrolling down your phone. Reading a book. Watching TV. Some of them look more professional - those are from the times you accepted to be his “model” so he could test his techniques, yet he never let you see any of those videos.
Just you.
You, you, you and you.
Were you wandering around
Looking for an erased dream too?
It’s different from what destiny suggests
We share the same painful views
Won't you please stay in my dreams
Yes, both of you had erased dreams. Your erased dream was Mike. His erased dream was Yeri.
Jungkook thought that you would never be more than friends. What he felt, though, was different from what he thought destiny suggested.
The way you drifted apart from each other. The pain you went through, watching your friendship slowly die. You shared the same painful views.
You don’t know at what moment you start to cry, but now, tears are freely dripping down your cheeks.
Even if the earth crumbles
No matter who shakes this world
Don't let go of my hand
Please don’t wake me up from this dream
You remember that time you were looking at the pictures Jungkook took at a wedding, and you noticed how the groom looked at his future wife with overflowing love. You wondered to yourself if someone has ever looked - or ever would - look at you the same way.
Well, sometimes… sometimes I caught him looking at you in some type of way.
It was the way Jungkook acted with you, the way he talked to you, the way he looked at you, that smile he just showed when you were around.
You’re not seeing him in this video.
Yet, it shows how Jungkook sees you. And you can’t help but think… in his eyes, you look beautiful.
He sings beautifully. Passionately.
Take my hands now
You are the cause of my euphoria
Euphoria
Close the door now
When I’m with you I’m in utopia
As the song slowly ends, the screen shows a last shot from a very old video you didn’t even remember. It’s from your graduation day from high school… actually, a video your mother recorded. The difference is clear from how shaky the camera is. You can’t help but think you look too goofy in your old school uniform.
“Y/N, it’s your graduation day! Next year you’ll live by yourself in a big city!”
“Thanks God. Less bills to pay for,” you hear your father jokingly say somewhere out of sight. You roll your eyes, but still laugh.
“Thank you so much, Dad. I see how much you love me.”
“But I love you, sweetie!”
“Shut up, darling. I’m trying to do an interview.” Your mother shushes him. “So, how do you feel, Y/N?”
You look thoughtful for a moment. That stupid teenager on the screen looks so full of hopes and courage. So young, so naive. “I’m a little bit scared, but I’m excited.” You say.
Then you smile, as if remembering something very important.
“Besides, Jungkook will live next to me, so I’ll be alright.”
The video ends.
You just sit there, sobbing uncontrollably for the next few minutes.
When you clicked that file, you never expected this.
You never expected to feel so loved with just a video.
At the same time, it makes an urge - the strongest urge you’ve ever felt in your life - flow through you. You need to tell Jungkook how wrong those lyrics are.
He doesn’t have to keep dreaming anymore. You’ve woken up from your own dream - and you’re ready to show him the real world in which you love him back, unconditionally.
Irene and Seulgi look worried as they see you marching out of your bedroom, sniffling, tears streaming down your cheeks. Before Irene can say anything, you put both hands on her shoulders and look at her seriously.
“Remember when you said you owed me one? That you’d help me with whatever I needed?”
Irene starts to look scared. “Yes.”
“Were you serious?”
“Of course!”
“Good. Then I need you to buy a flight ticket for me. Today.”
“Are you sure that’s the right hotel, Jimin?” you ask out of breath, your phone almost falling as you balance it between your ear and your shoulder, your hands busy holding your passport and flight ticket. You, Irene and Seulgi run inside the airport, looking like three crazy women in a dangerous mission - which isn’t too far from reality.
“I’m sure, Y/N!” Jimin says through the phone, starting to sound a little bit annoyed. “God, you asked me this a hundred times!”
“But I need to be sure! Can’t you ask him once again?”
“He will start to get suspicious. I already had to make up one hell of an excuse to make him tell me which room he’s in without sounding creepy.”
“Room 23, right?”
“Room 32!”
“So, is he sure that’s the right hotel?” Irene asks.
“Yes.”
She clicks something on her phone. “Good. It’s not too far from the airport. You’re lucky there was a room available!”
“Are you sure about this, Y/N?” Seulgi asks, looking borderline panicked. “You’re not going to die if you wait a few days until he comes back.”
“Yes, I am going to die if I wait any longer.”
“So dramatic.” Jimin says over the phone. You can even see him rolling his eyes.
“Shut up!”
“Why are you telling me to shut up?!” Seulgi asks, offended.
“No! I was talking to Jimin!” You finally hold the phone with your hand. “Okay, Jimin. I’m hanging up. Thank you so much for your help.”
“Don’t fucking die out there.” Jimin says, but you can hear the smile on his voice. “Good luck!”
You shove the phone inside your back pocket and turn around to look at them.
“Y/N, I don’t trust you alone in a foreign country.” Seulgi says. She does look panicked.
“I don’t trust myself either, but it’s alright.” You reassure her - but she only looks more nervous. You didn’t even bring a suitcase, choosing to just take a backpack with a few clothes and extremely necessary items.
Irene takes something from her wallet and hands it to you. “Here’s my credit card. I will text you the password later.”
You widen your eyes. “Irene, that’s not necessary…”
She shrugs in a dismissing demeanour. “Of course it is. How will you survive out there without money?” This kinda reminds you that this is only one of her credit cards and that whatever money you spend won’t really mean much to her. Still, you take the card hesitantly, making a mental promise to not spend more than the utmost necessary. “Your room is booked. You can ask a taxi to take you directly to the hotel. There’s no way to get lost.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that…” Seulgi says under her breath.
“Seulgi, I will fucking beat you up.”
“Sorry! I’m nervous!” She admits.
Your gaze softens. “I promise I won’t die, okay?”
She steps closer and hugs you tightly. “Be safe. Huh, you’re so stupid, but this is so romantic! It feels like I’m watching a Netflix romcom movie in real life!”
“Why do you always have to bring Netflix up?” Irene wonders under her breath. Seulgi sends her a menacing glare as she steps back again. “Anyways, if you need anything, please call us. Call us as soon as you get out of the plane. Keep us informed.”
“Okay.” You jump over to hug Irene; she gets visibly surprised, not really the type of person to appreciate a lot of physical contact. “Thank you so much, Irene! You’re saving my life!”
“The same way you saved mine.” She giggles. “Now go, unless you want to lose your flight!”
You wave them goodbye one last time before walking to the check-in area.
Yeah. You know that this is very, very stupid to do. You could wait three days. But when your impulsive, chaotic side takes control, you can’t really hold it back. That’s why you get inside the plane even though you’re really fucking scared of flights, going to a country you know absolutely nothing about.
But it’s alright. You’ll be with Jungkook, so it’s alright. Even if he rejects you - it’s alright.
Your chaotic side says that you’ll annoy him until he at least listens to you - and this time, you don’t think your chaotic side is all that wrong.
You get lost.
Which is dumb, because there were lots of information boards around the airport. Maybe that’s why you got lost - too much information, your peanut-sized brain couldn’t process all of that. After walking around the gigantic place for a good thirty minutes, only stopping to buy something very important on a vending machine, you find the exit and the taxi area. The taxi driver sees how desperate you are and it looks like he pities you.
Irene was right; the hotel is only twenty minutes away from the airport. It’s not a super hotel, but it looks like it’s much more expensive than you’d be able to pay (you couldn’t even pay for the flight tickets anyway).
You get more and more and more and more nervous at each passing minute. You feel like you’re about to fucking explode as the receptionist types something you can’t see. When he gives you the key card for your room, you feel goosebumps run down your spine.
It’s now.
Getting inside the elevator, you press the button to Jungkook’s floor. You don’t even want to drop your things in your own room before meeting him. You’re so nervous that, if you wait a little bit more, you’re sure that you’ll pass out.
Every step of yours on the corridor’s carpeted floor echoes in your ears. Your heart beats furiously. Your hands are trembling slightly and you feel cold in your stomach.
Room 23.
You stand in front of it, frozen.
Oh my God.
As expected, you don’t know what you’ll say when you see him. You tried to plan a speech the entire flight as a way to forget you were thousands of feet away from the ground and how fucking scared it made you, but you couldn’t think of anything.
You inhale and exhale deeply. It’s alright. It’s Jungkook who you’re talking about. You’ve always known how to act around him. Right now it’s no different.
Finally, you knock on the door.
“J-Jungkook?” You call, your voice failing slightly.
No response.
Weird. Jimin made sure that Jungkook wouldn’t be working anymore at this hour.
“Jungkook, it’s me. Can we… can we talk, please?” You say a little bit louder, knocking on the door once more. You can't hear any noise coming from inside the room. Come on, Jungkook. You have to open the door before any security guard can drag me away from here.
Your breathing is difficult. Your hands are trembling slightly. It feels that the floor is opening holes under your feet.
"Jungkook, I know you're mad at me. But please… please, let me at least explain myself." It's stupid how you already feel your eyes welling up with tears. Since when you became such a cry baby? Your chest tightens, hurts. "Y-You can't just leave me outside your room like this. Stop being a jerk. I need to tell you… I-I need to tell you that I lo-"
"Y/N?"
You freeze.
You turn around, looking at the exact opposite room in the hallway.
It's him.
Jungkook still holds the doorknob, indicating that he just opened it. He's barefoot, wears shorts and a long sleeved shirt, all black. His damp hair falling slightly over his eyes indicates that he probably just took a shower.
His eyes are so widened that it looks like they're about to pop out of his face.
He sincerely looks at you like you're the weirdest thing he has ever seen in his life.
"W-What-" he stutters, looking like he can't form a coherent sentence. "What the fuck?!"
You're still frozen in place.
You turn around again, looking at the door you were knocking on.
Room 23.
You look back at Jungkook again - the sign on his door.
Room 32.
"Oh." Is all you can say.
Shame suddenly makes your shoulders weight. You really, really hope there's no one inside Room 23.
You both stand there, staring at each other with widened eyes like two scared chipmunks. Your neck and face feels very, very hot.
Jungkook looks like he's recovering from the shock. He didn't hear anything you said, apparently.
"W-What exactly are you doing here?" Jungkook asks, tilting his head to the side. He frowns, looking at you like you're an exotic species.
"Oh." You repeat. Your brain is malfunctioning. You step closer, simply showing him the plastic bag you're holding. "I-I brought you this."
His eyes go from you to the plastic bag and to you again.
"It's banana milk." You explain hurriedly. He widens his eyes slightly. "I mean- it's this country's equivalent of banana milk, I guess. It's the closest thing I could buy in the vending machine."
Jungkook raises his hand slowly and takes it. He's moving carefully, as if this exotic species can jump on him and bite him at any moment.
"Did you take a 5 hour flight just to buy me banana milk?"
"Yes." You agree mindlessly. You feel your entire body burning now. "A-And I also came here to talk, because your dramatic ass didn't let me speak the other day."
Jungkook quirks one eyebrow and crosses his arms slowly. "Alright. I'm listening to you now."
He stares at you very seriously.
His gaze is overwhelming. It almost feels that you're getting small under his eyes. Gosh - you've been wanting to see him for days, but right now, when he's right in front of you, you can't say a damn thing, your brain completely overheating, your braincells melting. You thought you'd know how to act when you met him - but ha, guess what? You don't.
And that motherfucker is just standing there, waiting for you to speak. Just staring at you.
You hold the doorknob in a swift moment and close the door on his face, just letting enough of it open so he can still hear you.
"What-?" He gasps from inside the room.
"Shut up, okay?! I just can't speak looking at you right now." You hold the doorknob so tightly that your knuckles get white. You hate the way your voice is trembling and you hate the way your sight can't really focus on anything around you - that's just how nervous you are.
Jungkook doesn't say anything. You feel him leaning on the other side of the door, waiting patiently.
You inhale and exhale heavily.
"You got so fucking angry at me when I said you were my best friend that night.” You start, not really knowing where you’re going with this. You don’t even know if it’s possible to convey everything you feel through words only. “But you know, it’s- it’s true. You are my best friend. But what you didn’t let me explain is that you’re not just my best friend.”
Your heartbeat thunders on your ears at each word. You can’t see Jungkook’s expression, and at the same time it helps you keep talking, it also makes you more anxious.
“Y-You’ve been with me through everything. You were there with me when I broke my arm when we were kids, and you were there to help me when I thought I wouldn’t get into college, and you were there with me to celebrate when I got into college. It’s even embarrassing that you’ve seen all of my lowest moments.” You rest your head on the door, staring at the carpet under your feet. The first tears roll down your cheeks. “You know everything about me and sometimes I hate it. You’re like… fuck, I hate how cheesy this sounds, but you’re like a part of me. A-And you’re the best part, because- I don’t know how to explain, but you’re always the one making my average self want to be more.”
Normal you would never say something like this. You’re far from being an emotional person and you’re shit with words. But right now you’re crying and sniffling and trembling and you can’t shut your mouth anymore.
“Please, you have to believe me. I would never purposefully hurt you. Whenever I see you sad I die a little bit inside, and to know that I was the cause of your sadness is fucking killing me. It’s killing me.” You sob. “I don’t want to be the cause of your sadness ever again. I-I want to return all the good things you’ve done to me. So, please… I know I’m a pain in the ass to deal with, b-but if you’d let me be by your side… if you’d just bear me a little bit longer until I become someone that you’d want to be with-”
Jungkook opens the door.
You hear him whispering under his breath wait, wait, wait, interrupting you. Gently, he puts his hands on your arms and pulls you inside the room, closing the door right after, so now your back is against the door - right in front of him.
He stares at you, lips parted, eyebrows slightly knitted together. He looks stunned. Very, very confused. And very hopeful.
His starry eyes are welling up with tears.
“What… what do you mean with all this?” Jungkook asks softly. He almost sounds scared. “What do you really mean?”
You stare at him in silence. His beautiful face. His beautiful self.
You’ve never been so sure about anything in your life.
“I love you.” you confess, your voice cracking slightly. “I-I fucking love you. I’m sorry that I took so long to realize.”
Jungkook’s eyes widen.
The next thing you know is that his lips are against yours.
He drops the plastic bag full of banana milk on the floor, holding the back of your neck with one hand and pressing your body against his with the other. He tastes like toothpaste and tears; you can barely breathe, adrenaline rushing through your bloodstream, your fingers grabbing the strands of his damp hair.
When he finally lets go of your lips, you’re both out of breath and trembling.
Then, he smiles - and it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen in your life.
He wipes the tears away from your cheeks as his own cheeks are wet with tears. His eyes are smiling too, and you think that you want to keep that smile forever.
“Y-You have… you have no idea of how long- how long I dreamed of hearing this,” Jungkook says quietly, his voice cracking a little bit. He giggles, frowning his eyebrows slightly as if he can’t believe what he’s seeing right in front of him. “I can’t believe you took a fucking plane to bring me banana milk! How can I stay mad at you when you do this type of thing?!”
You start giggling too. His warmth, his scent of baby powder, the way his eyes are shining as much as diamonds - this is something you didn’t know you needed, you didn’t know you’d ever have.
“God- I fucking love you, too.”
Your heart feels filled.
You smash your lips on his again.
It’s desperate and intense and makes your senses completely dizzy.
You feel the backpack dropping from your shoulders right before Jungkook lifts you up as if you weigh nothing and you circle your legs around his waist. Without breaking the kiss, he carries you to where the bed is, sitting down with you on his lap.
Adrenaline and excitement washes over your body in anticipation. It’s even familiar at this point - his gaze clouded with want, your heavy breathings, hands grabbing and caressing everywhere they can find. Jungkook moans quietly against your lips as you grip his hair tightly, humping your clothed core very slowly against his growing erection.
“I missed you so fucking much,” he whispers in that deep voice that makes goosebumps run down your skin, his lips against your neck as he kisses and sucks it. You giggle.
“We fucked just a few days ago,” you point out.
“I miss this everyday. All the time.”
You hold his face, forcing him to look at you.
You might be shit at words, you might not know how to express yourself that well. But one thing you know better than anyone else is how to make him feel good.
So, softly, you push him back until you’re hovering above him and he’s propped up by his elbows.
You don’t say anything. You just smile and start to take his shirt off.
He doesn’t complain.
Your hands roam his exposed skin as you kiss and suck his neck gently. While your lips are still glued on his neck, one of your hands travels to caress his clothed member. Quiet moans come from the back of his throat. Slowly, you kiss your way down his chest and stomach - until you’re kneeled in front of his opened legs.
Jungkook is breathing heavily in anticipation. Maybe it’s the sole sight of you biting your bottom lip as you manage to get his member free from his boxers and shorts that makes it throb. He has to gulp when he sees you spitting on his dick, the feeling of your spit trickling down his member making goosebumps roam his skin.
You hold his member and start to bump it slowly at first - which makes waves of pure pleasure wash over Jungkook, stunning his senses. He hisses when your lips envelop the head of his cock, sucking it. His eyes are half lidded, lips slightly parted, Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulps. He looks so beautiful as he’s being pleasured.
You start taking more of him inside your mouth until you feel him on your throat; Jungkook moans louder. You bob your head up and down his length, taking turns between sucking and bumping his member with your hand, your spit making it easier and producing obscene sounds. Jungkook hisses and groans and moans and then he’s grabbing your hair, making you take more of him inside your mouth. You don’t complain. You just want to make him feel the best he has ever felt.
This time, though, it’s being much quieter than what it usually is. Jungkook just swears a little under his breath. No dirty talking.
His face and neck are covered with blush, a thin layer of sweat covering his forehead, his face distorted with pure pleasure. His moans are getting more constant and louder. You wouldn’t mind if he cummed in your mouth right now, but Jungkook hisses and takes his hand off your hair.
“Oh my God- stop. Stop. Come here, babe.”
You decide to just do as he said. As soon as you prop your knees on each side of him, Jungkook sits up again and starts to get rid of your clothing hurriedly - first your pants, then your coat and shirt. When he unclasps your bra, he immediately takes one of your breasts on his mouth, making you moan quietly. His hand pushes your panties to the side to meet your already wet core; you moan louder as he gently caresses it. You unconsciously start moving your hips against his hand, his movements adding more pressure over your clit, his lips still licking and sucking your breasts.
Jungkook decides this was enough to get you wetter. He pushes your panties to the side, holds both sides of your hips as you guide his member to your entrance.
Both of you moan as he enters.
You close your eyes tightly, the feeling of being stretched by him so familiar and so delicious. Steadying yourself on his shoulders, you start to guide yourself up and down on him, never breaking eye contact, watching him carefully. Every deep moan coming from him makes you shiver. The pleasure, the sound of skin hitting skin - how many times have you done it before? You don’t even remember. Yet, right now, it somehow feels fresh and new.
Maybe it’s because there’s more in Jungkook’s eyes than just lust. Maybe it’s because you notice how he watches you with adoration. And maybe it’s because you watch him with the same intensity, the same feeling.
Jungkook grabs the skin of your hips tightly as you increase your pace. He loves your face contorted in pleasure, he loves the sight of your boobs jumping at each move, he loves to feel the soft skin of your ass on his hand. He loves it. Both of you are really sweating now. You kiss him deeply, never decreasing your pace, your tongues entangling around each other, grabbing the strands of his hair.
God, how much he loves it.
He loves it much more now, because he sees how this time, he’s not the only one feeling something beyond physical pleasure. He knows you too damn well. It’s just like that morning at your house. You’re feeling it, too.
You love him, too.
Thinking about it makes him smile. You think it’s simultaneously the hottest and the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen.
Jungkook simply circles his arms around your waist and completely switches positions, throwing you on your back on the bed, which makes you giggle. He finally gets rid of your panties and hovers over you, thrusting inside of you once again.
His pace is fast and steady from the beginning. Your moans get higher and higher, louder and louder. You love how his face is so close to yours, how strongly he’s hitting you, how he tightly intertwines his fingers with yours (Jungkook really is the type to intertwine his hands when having sex!)
It’s ridiculous how you feel your eyes welling up with tears in a moment like this.
This moment… It’s not just bodies connecting - it’s souls.
You used to think you and Jungkook didn’t match; you were opposites in many ways. Jungkook is an introvert, you are an extrovert. Jungkook prefers quiet places, you prefer parties. Jungkook works out, you’re too lazy to do so. Jungkook hates coffee. You can’t live without it.
But, it’s in this moment - when he’s inside of you, when all of your senses are stunned by pure pleasure, when everything you can smell is him and everything you can hear is the sounds of bodies against bodies and when everything you can see is his beautiful starry eyes looking right back at you - is when you realize how wrong you were all along.
You’re like two jigsaw puzzle pieces. They need to be different to match. They are different, but when you put them two together, they complete each other.
You’ve always matched.
Seulgi didn't expect to find Jungkook standing in the kitchen when she came home.
Of course - you told her that the flight back home was scheduled at night and you'd probably arrive in the morning. This shouldn't be surprising. Yet, Seulgi still widens her eyes when she sees Jeon Jungkook cooking breakfast, his hair a mess, his face slightly swollen - an indication that he just woke up - wearing shorts and a white t-shirt.
He turns around and smiles. "Oh! Y/N didn't tell me you were coming back so early." He sounds a little bit surprised.
Seulgi notices it immediately.
That smile on his face and those gleamy eyes are just shown by someone that had a long, steamy and tiring night of sex.
Sure, Seulgi knows that you and Jungkook made up - and that you've been fucking for months now - but damn, it's still shocking to see it with her own eyes, considering that you only looked like good friends.
"I didn't know I'd come back early, too." Seulgi says, sitting by the tiny kitchen counter. She was expecting to spend the weekend at Irene’s penthouse, but she had to work. This is one of the reasons why Seulgi loves Irene; Irene could just enjoy her fortune and do nothing, yet, she decides to actively work for the company. She’s admirable.
"Do you want breakfast?" He asks over his shoulder.
"Well… I already had breakfast, but this is smelling really good." She admits. Jungkook nods and proceeds to prepare one more portion. She just watches in silence as he works around the kitchen (and she's also surprised that he knows where everything is, every pot, every spoon, literally everything). He hums quietly, that tiny satisfied smile never leaving his lips.
Seulgi thinks she has never seen him so happy.
It's kind of adorable.
"So, how was your job?" She asks.
"It was great!" Jungkook says excitedly. He chuckles. "I thought I was going to be the assistant of the assistant, but actually I was everyone's assistant. I didn't really do much, but it was great anyways. It's totally different to study about it and see how things work in real life."
Before Seulgi says anything, she sees you coming from your bedroom.
Your face is swollen and your eyes are barely opened; it seems you're not even seeing where you're going. Your hair is a complete mess. You wear one of Jungkook's shirts and Seulgi suspects you're not wearing anything under it.
She watches as you walk on a beeline straight to Jungkook and hug him from behind, burying your face on his back.
"Why didn't you wake me up?" At least that's what she thinks you said, because your voice sounds muffled.
"Because you looked so funny that I didn't want to wake you up." He says softly. Seulgi can hear his smile. "You were drooling and all. I even took some pictures."
"You didn't."
"I did." Jungkook giggles when you punch his back, but still keep your body glued on him.
"Fuck you. What are you cooking anyways? It smells too fucking good." You mumble.
"It's my special recipe." Jungkook moves to take something on the cabinet. You go along. "I can't cook if you keep smashing me like this."
"I don't caaare."
"Since when do you like hugging so much?"
"You didn't know girlfriend Y/N. Girlfriend Y/N likes long hugs."
Jungkook chuckles again. "Nice to meet you, Girlfriend Y/N."
Seulgi just stares, jaw dropped. From all the things she thought she’d see in her life, this is the most unexpected.
This is so cheesy. So not you. Not even when you were dating Mike you were like this.
And Jesus- she has never seen you look happy like this.
You turn your head to look at Seulgi, and she watches awkwardly as you let go of Jungkook and proceed to walk in her direction. You kind of look like a really happy zombie.
“Oh, good morning, Seul. Don’t be jealous. I love you toooo.”
And you throw your arms around her shoulders, hugging her so tightly that she almost falls from the stool.
The only person that doesn’t get shocked at your relationship is your mother.
You casually called her just to talk and gave the news. What she said?
“Well, finally.”
Everyone else is utterly shocked.
When Hoseok saw you kissing each other goodbye the other day - it was just a peck - his eyes got so wide that it seemed they were about to pop out of his face. He stared at you and him, completely shocked, as Jimin just laughed. That was pretty much everyone’s reaction.
You and Jungkook were never the type to be too touchy. It’s still kind of awkward to hand hold in public or call each other things like babe or love. You physically cringe just thinking of calling him “babe”, honestly.
It’s weird, because you’re “officially” dating now, but your relationship isn’t all that different. All the overwhelming awkwardness between you is gone (thankfully), so now you do what you always did; you swear at each other, you have your violent ways of showing affection, he still ghosts you because he’s too busy playing whatever game. The only difference is that now you can fuck without feeling guilty (and oh boy, you’ve been fucking a lot these days) and there’s a lot of kissing. There wasn’t that much kissing back then.
You thought it was impossible, but sex is even better now. It’s more exciting and even funnier - especially because there’s no awkwardness weighting in the room after you both reach your climaxes. Instead, there’s giggles and hugs and soft kisses. You also sleep at each other’s places now, which is good.
To be honest, if you think really hard about it, you’ve been lowkey dating for years. It’s just that now, you fuck a lot.
When you tell him this, Jungkook just chuckles. You don’t think he’s really listening to what you’re saying, though - nor you’re thinking straight anymore. You went out with your friends at a karaoke and, as expected, ended up drinking way too much; you and Seulgi had a singing competition in which none of you won (Irene just sat there looking absolutely embarrassed), Jimin sang a little bit but disappeared at some point (Jungkook said he noticed some hot guy in the side room), Hoseok got so emotional singing Haru Haru by BigBang that he started crying as Seokjin laughed so hard he almost choked, and Jungkook didn’t sing at all (because everybody knew he’s actually good at it and he would humiliate everyone else), until Jungkook silently asked if you wanted to leave (and you did) and you two left before anyone could notice (they were too drunk to notice anyway).
Since he’s drinking, you took a bus. The wrong bus. You’re at the other side of the city now, sitting on the bench of a park, watching the sun rise. It sounds romantic, but really, everything you see is heavy traffic and the grey pollution line in the horizon, almost blocking the sun.
Not that you care.
“We did everything backwards.” Jungkook says, his voice low and a little bit husky. His eyes look heavy because of the alcohol. You love how his hair is tied in a tiny ponytail. “People usually are friends first, then go out on dates, then they fuck.”
“We jumped straight to the fun part!” You say as if it’s obvious. He giggles again.
Peaceful silence. Jungkook watches your intertwined hands sitting on his lap, a small smile on his face. You can see that, even though he’s right by your side, his mind must be far, far away. He’s clearly sleepy. It’s silly - you know this guy almost your entire life, you already have memorized each detail about him - but you can’t take your eyes off of him right now.
You inhale.
“You know.” You start absently. “I saw the video.”
Jungkook frowns and looks at you. “What video?”
You’re trying really hard to hold back a smile.
“I think it’s called euphoria final test I swear to God.”
His eyes widen.
“W-What? Who showed you?!” He groans. “Jimin. Oh my God- I’m gonna fucking kill him!”
You start laughing as you see blush creeping on his cheeks and ears. He hides his face behind his hands and moans painfully.
“Why are you so embarrassed?” You ask, endeared, trying to get his hands off from his face, but he won’t let you.
“You weren’t supposed to watch that! It’s- it wasn’t- ugh!”
“But the song is beautiful, Kook!” You try, still laughing.
“Yeah, the song is alright, but the video?”
“What’s wrong with the video?”
He finally side eyes you for a few seconds. The blush on his cheeks gets redder. He hides his face again, groaning.
“You weren’t supposed to find out about that. Shit, I can’t look at you anymore. I wanna fucking die.”
“Stop being so dramatic!” After a lot of effort, you finally manage to cup his face with your hands. Still, he avoids your gaze. “Hey, hey. Look at me!”
He does.
He looks sheepish and it’s adorable.
“I loved it. Every second of it. You’re so damn talented.”
“B-But I didn’t write the song alone… Namjoon takes most of the credits with the lyrics. I just helped a little bit. A-And you know, it was just for fun, it’s not an official demo or anything-”
He’s forced to shut up when you peck his lips.
“I love you.”
He knits his eyebrows a little bit.
“You like to say this a lot.” He notices quietly. “I didn’t know you were this type of person.”
“I’m not.” You agree. “But it’s because it’s you.”
You’ve been “officially” dating for, what, almost two weeks now? People usually don’t say “I love you” this early. But this isn’t the beginning for you two. It’s more like a progression. It feels natural, like it has always been with him.
It feels like home.
Jungkook avoids your gaze again. The blush hasn’t gone away. “I don’t know what to do when you say things like that- why are you crying?!”
It’s Jungkook’s time to laugh at you as you try to wipe the tears away. He pulls you to rest your head on his chest, hugging you tightly.
“I am supposed to be the emotional one here, not you.” He says, still laughing.
“Shut up. I’m drunk.”
“Yeah, sure.” His laughter slowly dies until it’s just a quiet giggle. You feel his scent, hear the beating of his heart. Jungkook kisses the top of your head gently, caressing your back. “I’m gonna be so embarrassed when I remember I said this tomorrow,” he says softly against your hair. “But I think I’ve loved you ever since that first day of school when we bumped into each other on our way.”
You bury your face on his chest even more.
Everything around you is blurred and distant. It seems that nothing really matters besides right here, right now - as if you’ve never realized what you’ve been waiting for your whole life. This moment.
Him.
The puzzle is finally complete.
#btswriterscollective#bangtanarmynet#jungkook x reader#jungkook fanfic#jungkook imagine#jungkook smut#jungkook fluff#jungkook angst#jungkook scenario#bts x reader#bts imagines#bts scenarios#bts fanfic#jungkook
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Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments
when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???
but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.
firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.
secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:
writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.
in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.
because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.
but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.
the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.
now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.
i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.
now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!
add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.
now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.
then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.
sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.
but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.
and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.
for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.
so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.
if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.
#long post#rant#i almost deleted this#but you sent it on just the right day and instead i let loose#this is unedited and unbetaed lmao but ENJOY#or don't#whatever#writing stuff#i should tag it#writing SHIT#but that's not really a tag i keep cause who wants to keep track of the negatives#not me
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Let Me Go!!
Card: Dorm Uniform - SSR
Characters: Epel, Rook, Vil, Idia
Chapter 1
—INTERIOR HALLWAY—
Epel: Um... This is where the film studies club meets, right?
—CLASSROOM—
Epel: Excuse me...
Rook: Hello, Epel-kun! I see Vil asked you to lend a hand here.
Epel: I’d say it’s more like I was forced... Did he ask you too?
Rook: I’m helping on my own accord. The pleasure is all mine if I’m able to be with Vil.
(Clap, clap!)
Vil: Film studies club! Everyone gather around.
I’m going to discuss the details for when we begin our next student-produced film.
I’ll hand out the script first. Everyone, take one each.
Epel: Whoa, this script is so thick. They must really go all out with their activities here...
Vil: The next film we’re producing will be about time travel.
It’s set in the present day. The students of Night Raven College use a time machine...
And travel to the era of the Great Seven’s Fairest Queen of All.
Rook: The era of the Fairest Queen of All... How très bien!
What a fascinating idea, don’t you think, Epel-kun?
Epel: Hah... I guess.
Vil: The leading role is still undecided. I’ll let you know once I’ve chosen them.
Now, the time machine is the key item in this story... Epel!
Epel: ! Yes?!
Vil: I’m putting you in charge of designing it.
Epel: What?! I-I’m just the help. Why am I in charge of something so important...?
Vil: I’ve deemed you the most suitable for this.
Epel: (What gave him that idea?! I’ve never designed anything in my life. I want to say no...)
Vil: The time machine will use a magical wheel as a base. You’ll be customizing the exterior.
This way, we can shoot driving scenes.
Epel: You said magical wheel...?!
Vil: Yes. I’ve already arranged for one to use in our shooting.
I’ve asked Ignihyde’s dorm leader, Idia, to modify it, so you will work with him to complete it.
Epel: Got it!
Vil: ...You sounded very genuine there. Well, if you’re feeling motivated now, then that’s fine.
The theme of the time machine’s design should be “something beautiful and fitting for the setting.”
Your deadline is in three days at noon. Is that clear?
Epel: Yes, Vil-san!
(I was so reluctant about having to help out the film studies club... but I didn’t expect there to be a magical wheel involved!)
(That feeling of the passenger becoming one with the vehicle as they ride on... Just watchin’ it gets me all excited.)
(Maybe if I made a design that makes Vil-san’s jaw drop, he’d even let me take it for a test run.)
(Okay, I’m gonna do my best!!)
—IGNIHYDE DORM - LOUNGE—
Epel: I’m Epel, a first-year from Pomefiore. You’re Idia-san, right? Let’s work hard together.
Idia: Ugh... The glittery Pomefioran is here, hurray...
O-Oh, um... Vil-shi explained everything to me. We’ll use this lounge to work...
Epel: Okay, thank you.
Oh, that’s the magical wheel we’re going to modify there next to you, right? It’s so cool...!!
Idia: Hah... I only agreed to this ‘cause Vil-shi said he’d compensate me...
But working with other people... really makes me irritated by the second.
I need to finish this and go back to my room ASAP before my sanity gauge runs out.
Epel: (I know Vil-san’s taste pretty well since he’s been training me for months ever since I enrolled here.)
(I need to aim for a fancy design that goes with the setting and also satisfies Vil-san.)
Idia-san. Let’s do our best designing this magical wheel...!
Idia: Yeah. Let’s get this done as fast as we can...
Chapter 2
—IGNIHYDE DORM - LOUNGE—
Epel: It took all night... but it’s done! Idia-san, the coloring for the magical wheel is all finished.
Idia: Congrats on getting it done. You told Vil-shi you’d show it to him once it was finished, right? Shouldn’t you call him?
And end this so I can be alone.
Epel: Yes, I’ll go do that!
Epel: Here’s the magical wheel, painted to look like a time machine.
The design was inspired by the peacock engraved into the Fairest Queen of All’s favorite chair.
Vil: ......
Epel: Um... Vil-san?
Vil: Epel. Are you satisfied with this design?
Epel: What do you mean, am I satisfied...?
Vil: I ordered you to design something “beautiful and fitting for the setting.”
However, this piece conveys nothing from the creator’s heart.
You wouldn’t consider this design “beautiful,” would you?
Epel: ...! Well, I...
Vil: To me, this looks like you only tried to match the setting.
Redo it, Epel. And don’t think about coming back to the dorm until it’s finished.
Epel: What?! Vil-san, wait a seco— ...He’s gone.
...Dammit! How can he be angry that I made it exactly as he said...?!
But I get to work with a magical wheel, which I love so much. No way am I giving up after failing once!
I need to make something that I think is beautiful, that matches the setting,
And something that would make Vil-san satisfied, right?
I’m gonna do it!!
......
But what would that be...?
—IGNIHYDE DORM - IDIA’S ROOM—
Idia: Hehee! I got that kitty accessory I wanted! It’s a rare strength item that boosts my speed by 100!
Hehehe, now, the boss from this ultra-hard quest... You should tremble in fear of my dodging power.
(Running footsteps!)
(Epel barges in)
Epel: Idia-san!
Idia: Eee! E-E-E-E-Epel-shi! It’s rude to come into someone’s room without knocking!
Epel: Oh... S-Sorry.
It’s just, we have to redo the time machine...
Idia: Hah? He rejected that flashy design?
Epel: Yeah... So please help me make it over again!
Idia: (I can’t believe Vil-shi. He should’ve done this himself if he was going for something specific. Why’d he leave it to someone else?)
(I can’t stand them taking away my gaming time anymore. I gotta get this done now and chase out Epel-shi...)
H-Hey, Epel-shi. Do you have anything you’re good at?
Epel: Huh? Why are you asking?
Idia: ‘Cause wouldn’t this get done faster if Vil-shi just made it himself instead of having you make it over again?
But he still put you up to it... So shouldn’t you consider that maybe you’ve got some kind of secret talent?
In online games, leveling up skills you’re good at makes getting through the game easier.
Epel: But I’m just good at things like carving apples. I can’t really use that in desig——
(...Hm? Apples...?)
I figured it out!!
Idia: Ee! I-I-It scares me when you yell out of nowhere! Wh-What did you figure out?
Epel: I figured out what I can make that’s as beautiful and fitting for the setting as I can!
Idia: I-I’m glad to see you came up with an idea. Well, let’s get on with it then.
Epel: Huh? But you stayed up all night last night. Are you sure you shouldn’t rest a little...?
Idia: Heh, staying up all night is nothing to me. I stan a group of idols who look elderly but with hearts eternally 17...
And even Moirai on the Edge can do live performances for 72 hours straight.
We’ll prevail over this ultra-hard quest!
Epel: M-Moi...rai? I-I don’t know what that means, but let’s work hard!
(This time, we’ll make a design that Vil-sanーno, that anyone would approve of!)
Chapter 3
ーーThe day the time machine is due.
???: ...el... Epel!
—IGNIHYDE DORM - LOUNGE—
Epel: *Yawns*...?
Huh? Ahh! When did I go to sleep?! And Vil-san, what’re you doin’ here?
Vil: Your deadline is today at noon, so I came to check up on how you were doing. Honestly, I cannot believe you were sprawled out asleep on the floor.
So? Have you finished the time machine?
Epel: Oh... I did. Take a look at this!
There’s a story where the Fairest Queen of All made a poisoned apple, right?
So this time, I used that as my inspiration.
The color of the whole body represents a ripe, red, shining apple.
Like one you reach out to take without even realizing it... Anyway, I made sure it looked delicious!
Vil: Hmm... Go on.
Epel: Right. The other thing I worked especially hard on was this design that’s hidden when the machine is stopped, and only gets revealed when it starts up.
I’ll turn it on to let you see.
Vil: ! You painted the tire kept inside... Is that a skull?
Epel: Yes! One of the stories mentioned that a skull rose up before the poisoned apple the Queen made turned red...
So I added a symbol that can’t be seen from the outside unless you start it up.
This time machine is as “beautiful and fitting for the setting” as I can make it right now!
Vil: ...Allow me to ask you one thing. Why did you change to a poisoned apple?
Epel: Um... When I tried to use a peacock in my design, I honestly couldn’t tell if it was good or bad...
But then I thought, no one would be able to resist a design that makes apples look appealin’...!!
Vil: ......
...Heh. You finally came up with a design that reflects you.
Epel: ...! Yeah!
Vil: Now, I will leave you with the keys to this magical wheel.
Epel: Huh? Why me?
Vil: I’m heading back to our set. You’ll deliver the machine to the film studies club yourself.
You have until noon to bring it, just as we discussed. Don’t be late. Understood?
(Vil leaves)
Epel: ...If he was in such a rush, he could’ve just taken it himself... Wait, hold on?!
Does this mean I can ride it back to the set... maybe?
AHH~! ALL RIGHT!!
Idia: Ugh... Epel-shi, you’re too loud... Your voice is ringing through my sleep-deprived head...
Epel: Oh! S-Sorry, Idia-san.
I’ve always wanted a magical wheel... And I get to ride one I designed myself. I just can’t believe it...
Alright, let’s get to the school building!
—MAIN STREET—
Film Studies Student A: Hm...? What’s that? There’s something coming towards us from the front gate.
Rook: That is a magical wheel. And the one driving it is... Monsieur Cherry Apple, Epel-kun.
Film Studies Student A: It’s so glossy, like a real apple... And his Pomefiore uniform looks so nice. It’s beautiful!
Film Studies Student B: Driving that machine, Epel-kun’s got a radiance that’s different from his usual frail beauty.
Film Studies Student C: Yeah. That piercing cold look and his unconsciously curled-up lips... I’m so drawn to it; I can’t look away.
Rook: Did you hear that, Vil? Everyone is praising Epel-kun!
Vil: Hehe, these potatoes’ reactions are perfect.
Epel: Oh... There he is! Vil-san! Just as promised, I’m here to deliver this.
Let me stop the machine... Okay. Well, I’ll get going now.
Vil: Hold it, Epel. Stay right there.
Film studies club, your attention! I have an announcement to make regarding our next film.
For our undecided leading role... I’ve decided to cast Epel right here.
Epel: Wh... What?!
Vil: You all saw how he looked riding that time machine, yes?
I believe there’s no better person out there more suited for this role. Are there any objections?
Rook: It’s true, the sight of him riding that time machine up here almost felt like a scene from a movie.
Film Studies Student B: Yeah! Hats off to you for how dashing you looked. I’ll let you have my seat today.
Epel: W-Wait a second. I thought I was just helping with the design——
Vil: I’ve already made up my mind. I’ll thoroughly train you to be an actor, so do prepare yourself.
Now, you must do a costume fitting. Costume committee, take Epel to our club room.
Costume Committee: Okay!
Epel: I-I still haven’t said anything about doing th—let me go!!
Vil: ...I see now how drastically the sparkle in his eyes changes depending on whether he’s interested or not. Honestly. He’s a difficult apple to deal with.
Rook: Epel-kun was shining like a completely different person than he was yesterday, yes...
But perhaps were you anticipating this finale from the start?
Vil: Well, now. Who’s to say?
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Vil Rant: Why His Overblot was Valid
So I’ve seen a lot of not so hot takes on Vil’s overblot. Some people believe that his reason for overblot wasn’t good enough in comparison to the others. Most of the others overblotted due to some trauma from their childhood that never really got resolved to sum it up very vaguely. Vil on the other hand, it seemingly wasn’t like that. Vil’s overblot was due to envy. Pure envy.
Or was it?
It wasn’t. So as the resident Vil stan, I am going to take my time to explain why Vil’s overblot made sense and it isn’t as petty as some people think it is.
Vil himself is a very mischaracterized character, so it’s no surprise that people are not seeing the full picture.
Vil’s whole character is based on hard work. Most people would assume it’s beauty but it isn’t, at least not fully. For Vil, beauty isn’t his end goal but a tool to achieve his end goal, this is made clear in his overblot flashback. Now some people might not be convinced, but this isn’t a character analysis, so I’m not going to delve too deep into his values and why they’re his values for now.
So the reason he overblotted, for the people who take Vil at face value anyway instead of learning his motives, is because he was jealous Neige was more beautiful than him. He overblotted out of envy because he couldn’t stand being second best.
Now this isn’t wrong, but it isn’t the full picture. Too see the full thing playout I’m gonna run through a little Vil timeline with you. And “because I am so kind” and I know not everyone out there is a fan of Vil, so probably wouldn’t take the time to read his personal stories, I will stick to things mentioned in chapter 5.
So starting from Vil’s childhood. We see this part in his overblot flashback but even as a child Vil would always get villain roles and because of this he is ostracized by the other children, apart from Jack (Just as a reference this is also mentioned in his robes sr personal story). This didn’t really bother Vil much from what we saw, but it showed us that Vil was a bit more mature for his age, as being in the industry he probably had to be.
Next thing we see is how Neige always gets the main parts while Vil is always the villain. So this is where Vil’s envy of Neige starts. However, at this stage in his life it’s not about his beauty, it’s because he gets the roles Vil wants. Vil then goes on to talk about how all he wants is to be the heroine for once, yet he knows this will never happen. He is mature enough to realise that life doesn't work that way, no matter how hard you work something can never be achieved, hence his frustration begins.
So throughout Chapter 5 we can see Neige be mentioned and Vil’s vows to defeat him. He constantly asks Mira about the beauty rankings only to see Neige be number one. Which doesn’t seem such a big deal at first, until you think about how much hard work Vil puts in. Although, if you think about it, it’s still a bit petty at this stage, which is why it doesn’t cause overblot just yet. However, it does make his previous childhood frustration towards Neige grow.
Another thing that I feel I should mention quickly, is that Vil personally doesn’t really have anything against Neige himself per say, if it was someone else in Neige’s place he would be salty towards them. He really just hates the situation and circumstances, not Neige as a person.
Anyway back to the timeline. This is where it starts to go wrong. The VDC rehearsal. Vil put effort into the performance. We saw how strict he was, how dedicated he was to make sure everything was perfect. He put his all into it. He even made the song and dance himself, and played a key role in the actual performance. He made that performance to perfection. He even was number one on the search results for the word “beauty”! Only for everyone to fuss over Neige. Neige did a remix of a nursery rhyme and it is mentioned that the choreo wasn’t in sync.When Vil checked Mira again, Neige was back to number one. This is what tipped Vil over the edge.
I have seen some people claim that his actions were uncalled for and petty, because music isn’t just about being perfect, it’s for having fun and making everyone else enjoy your performance too! You don’t need to be perfect to perform well and make the audience love you! Vil should hold himself to lesser standards and realise it’s not a competition, everyone is beautiful and talented in their own way!
I see your point. I really do. But, I think you need to change your perspective a little to see what really is going on.
Put yourself in Vil’s shoes for example. Imagine you worked really hard on something, like an art project. You slaved weeks over it, making sure it was the best quality it can be. Finally you put it into a competition. Only to be beat out with a drawing that is half complete and was finished the night before. Could you manage to tell yourself to just let it go? There’s value in all art right? So shouldn’t you just be happy for the winner? It might be the right thing to do, but can you honestly say that you wouldn’t be absolutely seething inside? After all you went through? All that effort? I know for a fact I would be fuming with rage. Maybe I’m just a bad, selfish person but it's true. Although I think most people would at least be a little upset at this outcome. And Vil was.
Now you may agree with my point above, but how does that justify Vil trying to KILL Neige? That’s the beauty of it. It doesn’t. Just like Riddle, all of Vil’s views came crashing down before him the moment people started to fawn over Neige.
He always thought that hard work would get you to where you need to be, but he worked as hard as he could yet he still failed. Instead someone who hasn’t worked hard, someone who didn’t take the VDC seriously, someone who was only there for fun, beat him out. It didn’t help that he was given hope by being number one, only to have that hope snatched from him right after Neige performed. What is he supposed to do now? If he can’t beat Neige with talent, if he can’t beat Neige with hard work, how will he beat Neige? Easy. All he has to do is get rid of Neige.
So yes, trying to kill Neige was extreme, but to Vil, that was the only way he thought he could beat him.
You might be wondering why is it a competition in the first place? Simply because that’s the type of person Vil is. He doesn’t want to be second best, he’s a perfectionist so the only number that matters is being number one.
But this doesn’t cause his overblot. This isn’t the snapping point for Vil. The snapping point was him realising what he had done, what he was about to do. He was about to do something ugly. He even mentions that it doesn’t matter if everyone forgives him, he can’t forgive himself. Then, he overblots.
So, Vil’s overblot was a combination of frustration, high expectations and just all together feeling like he isn’t good enough. It’s probably the most relatable overblot so far, as I’m sure we’ve all been in a position where we’ve snapped because something seems hopeless no matter how hard we try. It’s easy to tell someone to stop holding themselves to such high standards, but as the saying goes, it’s easier said than done.
In terms of his after overblot, I don’t see Vil lessinging his normal standards, he will still try his best and make sure everyone around him does the same. He just maybe won’t compare himself to others as much.
In conclusion, Vil’s overblot wasn’t uncalled for or petty, it actually made perfect sense. Thanks for listening or should I say reading my Ted Talk.
#vil#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland neige#neige leblanche#vil schoenheit#twst vil#twst#neige#overblot#twst neige#twisted wonderland vil
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SFW Alphabet - Diavolo
I love Dia with all my heart, so I thought it was finally time I made a post for him
A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)
He is probably one of the more affectionate characters. Not many people are willing to get this close to him due to his status, so he is all over you the second you give him permission. His favorite form of affection is when you sit on his lap while he works.
B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)
Him as a best friend is a lot of fun. He’ll constantly sneak out of the castle just to hang out with you. He’d probably also wear those silly disguises so no one recognizes him. You two go all over the Devildom and he takes you where ever you’d like. In the end, you two usually get busted by Barb or Luci, but it’s always worth it.
C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)
Cuddles are literally his love language. He’s always coming up behind you and lifting you up into a hug or dragging you off to his room just to cuddle in bed. Being the prince of literal Hell can be so tiring, so cuddles are exactly what he needs after a long day. And once you two get into bed, you’re never leaving again.
D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)
He knows that he can’t settle down, but he would love nothing more. Honestly, if it weren’t for his responsibilities, he would have already dragged you off to some secluded house in a forest somewhere to just live in peace. It’s also thanks to his status as prince that he doesn’t know any basic household chores. He cannot clean, and he can barely cook without burning down the whole kitchen. He’s had to rely on Barb and his other staff for so long, that he’s just never had to learn. He wants to, if only to impress you, but he never has the chance.
E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)
I don’t think he’s ever even been in a relationship tbh, so he’s never had to break it off with someone. If he did have to, it would be bad. Like, I’m talking literal execution in front of everyone in the Devildom bad. He is a very patient demon who is very caring towards basically everyone. If he actually had to break it off, there would probably be blood. We don’t talk about it.
F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)
As prince, he does technically have to find a spouse, so he’s down to get married if you are. However, the whole point of getting married for him is so that his partner can carry his heir, so if you can’t get pregnant that might be a problem. Not with him, not at all, but more so with Devildom law and such. Afterall, he needs an heir, and he can’t let someone have it if he isn’t planning on marrying them. He’d still marry you regardless though, so there’s nothing to worry about there.
G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)
He is the gentlest giant you have ever seen in your whole life. He knows how big he is, and he knows how intimidating he can be, so he is very careful to make sure you know you can trust him. If he ever gets mad and feels like he might start yelling, he makes sure you are well out of range so that you don’t have to hear him. He also makes sure he never hugs you too hard or startles you without warning. He just wants to protect you, and that includes protecting you from himself if needed.
H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)
A sucker for hugs, that’s what he is. It does not matter how, when, or where he hugs you, he just wants to, always and everywhere. If you’re in a place where he can’t out-right hug you, he has to be touching you somewhere. He’s lowkey possessive, so he loves any contact just to show others who you belong to. Hugs are just the best way to do that since they’re super obvious. And he also just loves you a lot and wants you to know.
I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)
He’d say it relatively fast. he’s not one to waste time or lead someone on, so if he knew he loved you, he’d say it. He wouldn’t even care if you don’t say it back, he just wants you to know how he feels about you.
J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)
He gets insanely jealous, but he’s always good at hiding it. With all of the public appearances and people he’s had to deal with, he’s become a master actor. Inside, he could be fuming with jealousy when someone so much as looks at you, but no one will even know. He just puts on his classic smile and ask you to go with him somewhere for some “business” you have to attend. In reality, he just wants to drag you away for some cuddles to remind him that you’re his and you love him above all else.
K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)
His kisses are usually rather soft cause he’s so afraid of accidentally hurting you in some way. They’re sweet and gentle, and so full of love. They don’t come as often since of how much he works, so that makes them all the better when they do.
L = Little ones (How are they around children?)
He actually loves children, but they’re always so afraid of him. No kid would ever go up to him due to pure fear, so he never gets to interact with them. It really does make him quite sad since he would love to get to know the younger generation more, and he just finds them adorable. Maybe you can convince one (1) child to talk to him with the promise of candy after.
M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)
He has to wake up pretty early for work, but he always makes sure you’re still comfy before he leaves. If you wake up with him, he’ll talk to you about what his day will be like while getting dressed. If you’re still asleep, he tries his best to stay quiet as he gets ready. No matter of you’re awake or not, he makes you stay in bed and brings (read: makes Barb bring) you breakfast in bed.
N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)
He’s usually pretty tired by the end of the day, so he wants nothing more than to just pass out with you in his arms. However, he usually still has work to do even after dark, so he’s forced to stay up. During these times, he loves when you come over to him and just sit there while he works. That usually motivates him to finish up faster so that he can get cuddles. Once he hits that bed, it’s lights out for him.
O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)
He seems like he would be an open book, but he really isn’t. Trust me, he’d love to be as open with you as possible, but he can’t. There are so many things he has to keep hidden due to his role as prince. Plus, he doesn’t have much to share since he can’t really get out much to being with. He tells you as much as he can, but he always has to stop himself before he goes too far.
P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)
He is super patient. He’s always having to deal with less-than-ideal situations, so he’s built up a good amount of patience. Usually, he’s pretty chill, so when he snaps, it’s for a good reason.
Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)
Quite honestly, his head is already filled with so much, so he can sometimes forget things you tell him. That’s why he has Barb write stuff down about you so that he won’t forget. He keeps all of these facts in a journal in his room, and you have no idea.
R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)
He loves the first time you stayed over at the castle for the night. Not that time when everyone went over, but just when you came over. He was still busy with work at the time, and he loves how understanding you were about it. There was a short time where you left his room, and he was worried with how long you were gone. He was about to go look for you when you walk back in with some tea and snacks to help keep his energy up while he’s working. It was this moment when he knew he loved you. The fact that you cared this much for him really made him happy.
S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)
He is more protective than anyone else. The entire castle staff will be told numerous times over that their number one priority is now to protect you, much to the annoyance of Luci and Barb. He also makes sure to keep you close whenever you go out, and he’s always touching you somewhere.
T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)
He would only have the best for you. Every date you two go on will be the most romantic thing you’ve ever witnessed. He would only calm down if you mentioned you prefer more lowkey dates, in which he immediately apologizes for not asking you first. He still wants to make them the best dates possible, but he’ll try and calm down a bit.
U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)
He tends to overwork himself, often leaving you alone in favor of finishing his work. He also gets way too overprotective sometimes, even going so far as to drag you away the second he gets jealous.
V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)
Like Luci and Barb, he only really cares about his looks because he knows he has to keep up appearances. He has to make a good name for himself, and looking good certainly helps. Barb also constantly pressures him into taking better care of his looks when he starts slacking off.
W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)
It honestly depends on how close you two are. He’s used to people leaving him because they can’t handle being so close to the prince, so he might not even care if you leave him too. It’s only if you two have gotten super close that he might feel something if you were to leave him.
X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)
Okay, so, this came completely out of nowhere, but I have always lowkey had a headcanon that he and Barb were in a QPR before. (for those who don’t know, it means queer platonic relationship). Anyway, I have no clue where I got this idea from, but it just makes sense to me. They probably broke it off once he showed romantic interest in you, but I promise they were in a QPR at one point.
Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)
He wouldn’t like someone who would try and drag him away from his job. He wants someone who understands what it means to be the prince of the Devildom, and that includes them being aware of how much work he has and that he can’t just drop it all without planning even if he wants to
Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)
He’s bog, even for demon standards, so he tends to take up a lot of room. Honestly, he’s the kinda person that would spread out across the whole bed without a single care for who else might be in it. Let’s just say, you’ve fallen out of bed several times because he accidentally pushed you out.
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Hi fanmoose! Got a prompt for you, if you're interested: Levi seeing the 104th and the vets preparing gifts for Hange's birthday, but he's wondering what to give them so he goes above and beyond... all the Scouts are taken by surprise.
Thanks, and good luck!
i changed a couple of things..... hope you still enjoy it! thanks for the prompt <3
Jean got a notebook. Armin made a new quill, using a feather from the owl he and Mikasa caught. Connie brought from his home village a whole basket of peers Hange loved so much. Sasha was responsible for baking a cake.
Nifa made her favorite brownies. Mike decided to gift Hange a new jacket, Nanaba bought a new pair of shoes, Erwin got her a new pair of glasses and a microscope she was whining about for so long. Moblit drew a fucking portrait of her.
Even Eren, as obtuse as he was, prepared a present for Hange.
“My mom was very good at sewing,” he shared with Levi, in the middle of his training, “she didn’t teach me how to do it,” at that, his voice lost some of its edge, tints of sadness appearing, “but Mikasa knows how to sew and she promised to help me with it!”
Levi could only arch an eyebrow. “And how is that related to a gift for Hange?”
Eren leaned closer with a hand next to his mouth, looking so serious, like he was going to tell the biggest secret in the world. “I’m going to sew a plushie for Squad Leader.”
“A plushie? A fucking toy with your titan’s face?”
There was a beat of silence. Then… “Damn it.” Eren took head in his hands, tugging at his hair with alarming desperation. “Damn it! I should have sewed the plushie of my Titan! Hange-san loves it!”
Yeah, as much as it annoyed Levi, there was certainly no way he could deny that.
“So… what did you sew instead?”
Peaking beneath his fingers, Eren mumbled. “A plushie of me holding a heart that says ‘I love you, Hange’.”
Fuck… as dense as Eren was, Levi had to admit… the gift was not bad at all. Especially for Eren. Especially comparing to his gift, which consisted of…
Nothing.
Just two days were left before Hange’s birthday, and he still no idea what to give her. Hange was probably expecting a present from him. Or, maybe, she was not. She was nice like that – always giving without asking for something in return. Hange was also kind, she thought he was her friend, and even more than that. Best friend, she once told him. And Levi had to admit. He felt it too. Hange was his friend. The first one he made in Survey Corps. The closest one he had.
Some friend he was, apparently. Not even preparing a gift for her.
Sensibly, he knew that he was making a problem out of nothing. He could give Hange something simple – a shampoo she obviously didn’t possess; a book she would probably like and squeal in his ear about; a new shirt or a bottle of good wine.
Hange would probably enjoy these kinds of gift. They were certainly useful. But were they meaningful? Would Hange remember them, ten years from now?
He wanted her to. Hange was his friend, perhaps, even something more. He wanted only the best for her. That’s why picking up a gift was such a problem.
With only two days left, Levi was getting desperate. He was thinking about seeking out help, but just before he gathered the strength…
The help came to him themselves.
“Good day, Levi,” with a good-natured smile, Erwin invaded his office, Mike and Nanaba trailing after him. “Are you busy?”
Levi pointedly looked at the mountain of paperwork on his desk. “Yes,” he drew, “All thanks to you, Erwin.”
“Well, you can take a break,” Erwin waved his hand dismissively, and took a seat on the opposite end of Levi’s desk. Nanaba and Mike occupied the sofa. “We came to discuss something very important,” the smile was gone, as Erwin clenched his jaw and knitted his eyebrows in a hard line. Looking at that expression, Levi felt his stomach sinking. What was this all about? If it was about their upcoming expedition, then where was… “A little birdie shared with us,” Erwin interrupted his heavy thoughts, “That you still have no present for Hange.”
What? Levi gawked at his guests, switching his confused gaze from one to the other.
“And what is the name of that birdie?” He would find that birdie and give them a piece of his mind, for sure. Who dared get poke his nose into his personal matters?
“Please, Levi,” Mike joined the conversation, “You couldn’t get more obvious. I can smell your desperation from miles away.”
Levi’s annoyance rose. Birdies, smelling desperation. Could they talk like normal people?
Seeing his increasing frustration, Nanaba decided to come to rescue. She smiled, tucking a lock of her hair behind an ear. “I overheard your conversation with Eren. You looked a bit distressed, honestly I thought you were going to kick his ass again… And since I doubt Hange is enamored with Eren in that way, I concluded that you…”
“Are angry not because the boy is a titan and spends too much time with Hange, but because he already has a gift prepared, when you do not.” Erwin finished.
Well… the conclusion was sound, at least. But that didn’t mean that Levi felt any less annoyed.
“So?” he raised an eyebrow, staring judgingly at his intruders. “What do you want from me?”
“We want to help, of course,” the smile was back at Erwin’s lips. “And we have some ideas.”
“Such as?”
Nanaba bounced from her seat, crossing the room to bang her palms against the surface of Levi’s desk. He jumped slightly, certainly not expecting it.
“You know what Hange really likes?”
“Books?” Levi tried. “Science? Titans? Books about titan’s science?”
“No, dummy,” Nanaba shook her head, “Hange likes you.”
It took him a long moment to comprehend. Even then, the only thing Levi could get out of his mouth was a very faint, “Eh?”
“We all know how much Hans makes you happy.” Mike said.
They did? How so?
“You spend a lot of time with Hange,” Erwin noted, answering his unasked question.
“And you allow her to do things that you deny everyone else,” Nanaba continued.
“And when she is with you, that constipated expression disappears from your face.” Mike finished.
He… didn’t have a constipated expression. And while Hange did make his days more pleasant and his survival that easier and more enjoyable… Levi was sure that no one knew about it, but him.
“Listen, we all know that you like Hange, and we’re telling you that Hange likes you. That’s why…” Erwin lifted his chin, his smile becoming nearly devilish. Were they still talking about a simple birthday gift? “I made a reservation in a restaurant in Sina. Take Hange there, eat good food, drink some wine, have a good night… Make Hange happy.”
Their suggestion was certainly better than Levi’s nothing. However…
“What you’re offering seems a lot like fraternization. Isn’t that illegal?” he narrowed his eyes at Erwin, skepticism oozing from him. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“Perish the thought!” not swayed by Levi’s scary expression, Erwin chuckled. “You’re correct, technically, two officers are not allowed to enter romantic relationship, but I think it’s a little too late for that.” Huh? Just how Levi was meant to interpret that? “Besides… think about humanity, Levi! If you and Hange were to conceive a child…” the expression on Erwin’s face was so dreamy, Levi felt chills at the base of his spine. “A child born from the union of humanity’s strongest and smartest… It could very well save our world!”
Levi stared at his Commander, at loss of words. Saying ‘you’re fucked up in the head, Erwin’ seemed a little too rude even for him, considering that Erwin was his superior officer. Still… he was fucked up in the head.
“Don’t listen to him,” Nanaba spoke, attracting Levi’s attention. “But think about our offer. An evening like that will really make Hange happy. You want that, don’t you?”
Did he want to make Hange happy? More than anything…
“Do it for Hange,” Nanaba urged.
“Do it for love,” Mike added.
“Do it for humanity!” Erwin passionately concluded.
Fucked up in the head, Levi thought. All of them were. Himself, included. But what was he going to lose? Besides, their offer was better than anything he could have come up with.
“Alright,” he surrendered, a sigh escaping him. “I’ll do it.”
Nanaba cheered. Mike nodded at him with a smile. Erwin looked like he was about to cry. Then, to Levi’s horror, he saluted.
“Get out of my office now,” he shooed them away, lowering his gaze back to the papers. “I need to work.”
“Just another quick thing,” Nanaba patted his shoulder with a cheerful smile. “Walk Hange to the door of her room after the dinner. And make sure that you return after nine o’clock.”
Ah. So they had an ulterior motive. Of course. Levi shouldn’t be surprised.
“You’re planning something for Hange, I take it?”
“A little party,” Mike confessed. “We’ll deal with food and drinks, but you’re in charge of getting Hange there in time.”
Levi didn’t remember agreeing to be in charge of Hange, but… he didn’t like the idea of anyone else doing it in his stead.
“Nine o’clock, four-eyes’ room, I got it. Now get out of my office.”
Nanaba, Erwin and Mike didn’t need to be told twice.
___
After finding a solution to his main dilemma, Levi was now met with another, no less important and challenging than the previous one.
Erwin and the others got him a reservation at the restaurant. But... now he needed to invite Hange there.
His first attempt, executed not long after Erwin, Nanaba and Mike left his office, failed spectacularly, despite his expectations. He naively thought that a simple note, carried to Hange via Moblit, would suffice. But, perhaps, the note didn’t reach its destination. Or Hange forgot to read it. Or she somehow misinterpreted the sentence ‘do you want to dine together?’. Or the fault laid in the absence of Levi’s signature.
Nevertheless, he needed to do better.
His next attempt was slightly more successful. At least, he got some kind of reaction. Still not reaction he had needed. Apparently, there were ways that one could misunderstand the simple phrase ‘hey, four-eyes, want to eat with me?’. Levi had expected a very enthusiastic ‘yes’. Instead he received ‘I’ll see you at the dinner’ and a door to his face.
Evidently, he had to do not only better, but also be a little clearer about his intentions.
After lots of pondering, Levi decided that nothing could be clearer than throwing a shiny new black jacket from Mike at Hange and barking, “Get dressed, Hange. We’re going out.”
That got him an intrigued ‘oooh’ and a promise to be ready in five minutes.
Levi smirked to himself. Finally, his plan had worked. Finally, he got through that brilliant and extremely dense head.
___
At first, the dinner was, for the lack of better word,extremely awkward.
Erwin failed to mention just how fancy the restaurant would be. Turned out, it was fancy. Very fancy. Fancier than anything Levi had seen in his life. Even Hange, despite not being a street rat from Underground, was feeling a little off.
“Everyone is staring at us,” she whispered to him, leaning over the table to do so.
Hange was right. Everyone was gawking at them. Perhaps, the reason for it was their clothes. Both of them were dressed in their best suits. Still, their best didn’t even begin to reach the best of the gathered crowd. Perhaps, other guests were weirded out by Hange’s loud cheer at the sight of meat in the menu.
Or, perhaps, their reputation preceded them, and everyone in here knew about humanity’s strongest soldier and crazy titan scientist, two of Erwin Smith’s loyal devils.
Whatever the case was, Levi didn’t like the obvious staring. They came here to eat and have a good time, not be observed like clowns in the circus.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered back to her. He really was. It was Erwin’s mistake, but it was Hange’s birthday and it was his fault for not checking the restaurant beforehand. He was a scout, for fuck’s sake. It was his job.
“Don’t even start,” Hange huffed, waving her hand dismissively. “Not the first time I receive that sort of treatment. Probably not the last one as well.”
Hange paused, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. “And if they want to look at us so much, let’s give them something to stare at.”
Levi’s lips twitched up. “And what do you suggest?”
“Let’s order the priciest meals they have, eat them like animals they think we are, and then run away and let Erwin deal with that.”
There were many reasons why Levi loved Hange. This was one of them.
___
True to Hange’s plan, they were at their worst behavior. They used spoons instead of forks, they drank straight from the bottle, Hange ate the dessert with her hands, smearing cake all over her mouth, cheeks, palms and shirt. Barely keeping himself from laughing out loud, Levi wiped it all with his cravat, as Hange cooed at his chivalry.
Two hours later, their stomachs were full, the crowd was scandalized, their hearts were merry and their eyes were shining with unbridled mischief.
“I think we’ve succeeded at making the worst impression possible,” Hange spoke, following it with a loud laughter. Several guest scoffed at the volume. Levi showed all of them his scariest scowl. The rich fuckers returned their attention to their plates in record time.
“It’s time we make our exit,” he agreed.
He looked at Hange more closely, thinking if he should take the risk. She had been touching him freely throughout the whole evening. She pressed their calves together under the table, she ran a hand through his arm, she let him touch her face and tilt her chin. She didn’t seem opposed to the idea, so… Levi took a deep sighed, searching for every bit of courage inside of him. Once all of it was gathered, he took Hange by the hand, helping her to stand up.
To his surprise and huge relief, she didn’t shake his hand off. On the contrary, she squeezed his palm and interlaced their fingers.
Hand in hand, they started towards walking out of the restaurant. On his way there, Levi discreetly pushed a plate of soup at some wealthy lady, staining her light creamy dress and receiving a indignant cry and a joyous giggle from Hange.
After that, they had to speed up a little. It was Hange’s birthday. Levi didn’t want to spend it in the prison cell.
Once they were outside and some distance away from the restaurant, Hange stopped.
“Shit, Levi! Had you seen her face? She was—”
She didn’t finish. Hange leaned against the wall and threw her head back, laughing without abandon. She doubled over, hugging her stomach, her mirth not ceasing. Finding her mood strangely infectious, Levi couldn’t help but chuckle too.
Still snickering to herself, Hange looked up to meet his gaze. Her whole body was shaking from the laughter, and tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. Disheveled, red-faced and laughing, she was the most beautiful sight Levi had ever seen. The moonlight and faint stars only accentuated her beauty.
Levi was lost in watching her.
Subconsciously, in a mindless attempt to get a better look at the wonder that was Hange Zoe, he leaned in.
Hange leaned in too, her hand finding place at his shoulder. She moved that hand slightly, closer to his neck. Her fingers ghosted around his hairline, making him shiver.
He was looking in her eyes. Hange was looking at his lips.
The world around the two of them faded, the sounds of a street at night, the singing from the nearby pub disappearing to the background.
Levi didn’t know, had failed to register who moved first. But a moment later, his hand was on her waist, and Hange buried her fingers in his hair. And then, they were kissing – sloppily, desperately, without skill but with lots of passion.
Levi felt like he was struck by lightning. Nothing he had ever done before felt even remotely as good as kissing Hange did.
As the kiss progressed, becoming deeper, Levi found himself pressed against the wall.
Hange was everywhere – her tongue was in his mouth, her palms on his cheeks, her knee was rising, resting against his crotch. It was almost too much. And yet, not enough.
“Hange, Hange,” with some difficulty, he separated himself from her hot mouth and soft lips. “Hange, if someone sees us—”
“Oh, right,” still pressed dangerously close to him, she giggled. “Erwin would have a heart attack if we get jailed for making out on the streets. He’d deem us a disappointment to humanity.”
“Back to barracks then?”
Hange licked her lips and winked. Levi felt another strong surge of desire. “We can continue there.”
After that kind of promise, Levi hurried to find where they left their horses. He all but raced there, and jumped on his loyal stallion, grasping the reins a little too tightly.
Hange followed his suit. “Who arrives at the barracks first, gets to be on top?” she challenged.
Without waiting for his reply, she started off. Cursing, Levi struggled to keep up.
That day, he learned one essential lesson. Riding a horse with a raging boner was a fucking torture.
___
Hange was the first one to reach the stumbles. Dismounting her horse, she ran up to Levi, pulling him off the saddle and instantly connecting their lips. Levi would have liked to complain, but… who was he kidding?
Without another word, he brought Hange closer, putting his hand on her hip.
Just as the first one, the second kiss was amazing, enough to knock his breath out and make his knees buckle underneath him.
“If that’s my birthday gift,” Hange murmured, panting after they broke apart. “Then it’s the best one I ever had.”
And here Levi thought that there was nothing more enjoyable than kissing Hange. But as he saw her gentle smile, the adoring expression in her twinkling eyes, he was ready to melt in her arms.
However, he wouldn’t be himself if he passed an opportunity to use a sarcastic quip. “Is it better than Erwin’s microscope? Than Eren’s plushie?”
Hange put a finger to her chin, looking up with a thoughtful expression. “The microscope is really good, and that plushie is so adorable…” Levi’s good spirits vanished, as something ugly found its place inside his chest. Before it could manifest in a scowl, Hange caught his lips with hers once again.
“But nothing is better than you, shorty,” she confessed as they separated.
Hange likes you, Nanaba had said. She wasn’t wrong, it seemed.
“Your room or mine?” he asked, already tugging off Hange’s jacket.
“Mine. I was the one to win, after all,” she smirked, rapidly turning away and starting to run. Levi had no choice but to chase her.
___
He caught up with her near the entrance. Ceasing the moment, he wrapped arms around her waist, pressing her to him. Hange’s giggle turned into a moan. Levi delighted in that.
Exchanging messy kisses, they tumbled through the front door. Unable to break away from each other, they clumsily walked through the barracks, tripping and stumbling. And, despite the growing desire, they didn’t hurry as well. They stopped near the stairwell, so Hange could put a hickey on a spot above his collarbone. They paused at the middle of the hallway, so Levi could grind against her. Hange pressed him against the wall to whisper, “Fuck, Levi, this feels so good.”
When they reached the bedroom, Levi was ready to cheer. It was the longest walk through the barracks he had ever had. Was Hange’s room always that far away from the entrance?
With her hands shaking, she searched through her pockets for a key. She found it after a long minute that Levi spent kissing her neck. Once she fished it out, she put the key in the keyhole, and decided to celebrate that grand achievement with another breathtaking kiss.
Getting a little too eager, Levi pushed Hange forward. That was his mistake.
Apparently, the door to her room wasn’t closed. And, apparently,the room also wasn’t empty.
Unfortunately, Levi realized that and remembered the second part of Erwin’s plan a second too late. After he had heard the loud and cheerful ‘Happy birthday, Hange!’
With his arms still around Hange, he froze. Everyone else in the room froze too. The awkward silence settled over.
Levi’s thought frantically moved around his head, jumping from one corner to another. What should he do? Apologize? Let Hange go? Tell all of them to fuck off so he and Hange could finish what they had started?
However, he didn’t get to decide what to do with the unexpected audience. Hange chose for him.
“Guys!” she clasped her hands joyfully, her smile brighter than all the candles that stood around the room combined. “That’s so sweet! Thank you!”
She pulled away from Levi, sprinting to get to her friends. She gave a tight hug to Erwin, Mike, Nanaba, Moblit, Nifa, Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Sasha, Jean, Connie… Levi thought the string of people who wanted Hange’s attention would never end.
After hugs, came cake, and after cake was wine. He felt ignored, he felt utterly forgotten. He contemplated if he should go back to his room. He wanted Hange to kiss him again.
But instead he was sulking in the corner, munching on a cake Sasha had prepared. At least, the cake was good. But his frustration left a bitter taste in his mouth.
As his plate was emptied, Levi thought once again about leaving. But in that exact moment, seemingly out of nowhere, Hange appeared by his side.
“Planning to ditch the party early?” she wiggled her eyebrows, staring at him with unmasked mischief.
“It’s your birthday, not mine, four-eyes.”
“Exactly!” Hange threw an arm over his shoulders. “You’re my guest of honor!”
Ignoring the awakening of butterflies in his stomach and chalking them up to the effects of Sasha’s cake, Levi grunted, “Meaning?”
“Meaning I want you to stay!”
Levi rolled his eyes. He couldn’t really say no to Hange today, right? Although, he had troubles saying no to her any other day as well…
“And thank you for spending the whole evening with me,” Hange punctuated her gratitude with a kiss to his cheek. The butterflies were now flying freely, making Levi dizzy. It was hard to deny their origin anymore, with the trigger standing so close to him. “It was the best birthday I ever had.”
Well, that was all the gratitude Levi needed.
Before she left his side to receive more birthday wishes from their friends, Hange put her mouth above his ear, lowering her voice to a whisper, “Stay until the end, shorty. I’m not finished with you.”
She bounced off before he could give an answer. Perhaps, it was fairly obvious to her.
After all, how he could refuse Hange on the day of her birthday? How could he say no to receiving more of her attentions, and kisses?
With a satisfied hum, Levi settled against the wall, aiming his glare at all the guests. He couldn’t wait until all of them would leave. He couldn’t wait to have Hange all to himself.
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A personal update + my next game
OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!
Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.
Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.
However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!
And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.
So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.
First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.
So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…
Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.
I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)
And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.
Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.
Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.
It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).
These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.
The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.
So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.
This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.
For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.
So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?
I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.
A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.
With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.
I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!
I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind… I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”
Thanks for reading,
David
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Telling Tenya Iida to take care of himself. Tenya Iida x Gender Neutral, Best Friend Reader.
(authors note: this is my first full length fic in...a while. motivation hit me like a brick and I decided I'd churn something out! this fic is dedicated to a few special friends: @classreptenyaiida, for the interactions I've had with him, @yarozu for being such a great fan and supporter!! @lostcoves for being my first friend on this platform and for being so so kind to me, @uwu-iwanttodie because god I know you're a sucker for tenya just like i am, and @tryingmyves for sticking around and being a wonderful person!! there's also one more special person this fic is dedicated to but I don't know their tumblr url and if they wish to be named LOL // but yes anyway, enjoy! i hope you like this, feel free to send me any feedback, rts and follows appreciated!!!)
warnings: none! all fluff. good for everyone.
Tenya Iida and (f/n l/n). The both of you were inseparable, friends since childhood, in the same class throughout elementary and middle school. You were overjoyed to hear that you’d be in the same class with him again in UA, brimming with excitement to be able to stick by his side for longer. Of course, you had a crush on him ever since you could remember...but you were really too scared, terrified, really, to confess to him- in fear of ruining your 15 years of friendship.
Out of all people, you were the person who knew how determined Tenya was to not only reach, but exceed his goals and aspirations. You knew how much he wanted to satisfy the people around him and meet their expectations. You didn’t exactly understand why he did it, but you knew how driven he was, and how he’d do anything within the law and the rules to get there. And he rarely failed. Tenya was a great inspiration in your life, encouraging you to do better, while growing together. In a way, he influenced you to work hard, train harder and to do your hardest. The both of you became a force to be reckoned with; your parents and Tenya’s parents realised this, and hoped you’d do great things as heroes in the future, allowing you to spend weekends and holidays together.
Throughout your first term, Tenya enthusiastically took up the role as representative of Class 1-A with pride. He’d come to you for feedback for his ideas, always asking your opinion before proceeding, and you’d be his biggest cheerleader. You improved ideas he delivered, making sure small details were tweaked, and ensured logistics ran smoothly. Whenever Tenya needed help, you were the first he’d go to. Tenya presumed the role of a figure of strength within Class 1-A, readily assisting people in need, hosting study groups after school, and going the extra mile to make sure everyone was...more or less, in line. His work towards being a ‘good hero’ started here, and it wouldn’t stop until his last breath. As an Iida, he worked daily to strengthen his reputation as a helpful, strong figure...no, a reputation as a hero.
But inside, you knew Tenya was tired. He was slowly burning himself out. He didn’t need a savior, but he needed someone to shake him awake. There were days where you’d find Tenya a little less awake than usual, even though he seemed to have the same amount of energy as every other day. You’d catch him zoning out after school days ended, maybe he’d drop from his chopsticks once more than normal at lunch, and sometimes he’d even forget to bring certain things to school. Your best friend definitely wasn’t sleeping or resting enough.
You did your best to make sure Tenya was taking care of himself. Sometimes, you would gently remind him to drink more water, or to get more sleep. Other times, you’d deliberately book ‘study sessions’ with him, only to do the exact opposite- taking him to a cafe for a ‘change of environment’, introducing him to several new drinks and cakes, much to his dismay. Or maybe you’d eat lunch on one of the school rooftops, and allow him to take a nap afterwards on your shoulder while you ran your fingers through his coarse, navy hair. Perhaps you’d relax at your house, a movie would be playing on the TV, and while he’d feverishly insist on studying or doing something more ‘productive’, you’d gently but stubbornly insist that he rest. As the days passed, Tenya placed his focus on his ambitions, and your opportunities to ensure his leisure decreased.
One night, you wondered why Tenya pushed himself so hard. Was it because he was a people pleaser? There were definitely times where he would be almost too eager to help others. Or was it because he decided to shoulder his world of responsibility alone? Maybe it was because he was constantly surrounded by good examples of what a hero should be, that he held the burden of his family name, that he was expected to be the next best thing for the hero community...or maybe it was all of the above. Tenya had been working tirelessly for this; yet he didn’t know when or how to take care of himself and to forget to be selfless. He was always running to help others, always thinking in the position of others, or whatever would be better for the future. You didn’t remember the last time he did something for himself. Regardless, you decided that you’d definitely work a little harder to make sure your best friend would care for himself. After all, everyone needed someone else to lean on, right?
You shook your head. “No. I’m serious. You need to rest. Or at least take it easy this weekend.”
Finally, one Friday afternoon, you saw Tenya yawn in class for the first time. He looked close to falling asleep, in fact, you could say he was positively exhausted. His eyelids fluttered downward, their weight becoming heavier and heavier with each blink. Inside, he was praying he wouldn’t get picked on to answer a question- he just wasn’t really following the class material anymore. Or worse, he hoped Mr. Aizawa wouldn’t assign group work- it’d mean he would have to actively interact with other people, which he didn’t have the energy for. Thankfully, the bell rang, and the gray, bleary-eyed teacher dismissed his class, unfurling his sleeping bag and escaping the room to get a nap himself. You walked up to Tenya’s desk and playfully smacked his arm, shocking him a little more awake. He adjusted his glasses and looked up to you.
“Heeey. Someone’s looking tired.”
“I suppose I didn’t sleep quite enough last night, (y/n).” Tenya grinned. To the normal eye, it would seem like one of the class rep’s normal, signature smiles, but to you, there was a fatigued weakness shielded behind its sunny exterior.
You arched an eyebrow. “You’ve said that every day for the last month and a half.”
“I know, I know. There’s so much work I need to get to, in fact, I should return to my dorm soon to st-” Tenya had finished gathering his things and prepared to leave the classroom, until your hand reached out onto one of his broad shoulders and pressed him back down onto his seat.
“No you fucking don’t.” You folded your arms, a frown plastered to your face.
Tenya scowled. “Please, (y/n), can we joke around later? I have to get th-”
“Look, if you’re aiming to be a successful hero in the future, you might as well take your own advice that you give so often to others and rest. You always tell us to make sure we get enough sleep, and you’re not even doing it yourself. If you’re tired or sick, you won’t be able to perform as well as you want to, right? And you always want to be at your best, don’t you, Ten?”
“But-” Tenya protested. He had so much work to do, so much to get to.
“Tenya Iida. In our 15 years of friendship, I’ve never seen you this fucking tired. We’re only in our first year. Are you going to keep doing this throughout school? Or what, the rest of your life? For the love of god, cut yourself some slack.” You almost yelled out in protest, in disgust of seeing your best friend suffer in silence.
Tenya stared at you in shock. You’ve never spoken to him like this before, or at least, it was rare. Usually you played more of a supportive role by his side, and when you were more assertive, you were never this pushy. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he heard you shout. The remaining members of Class 1-A who hadn’t yet left the room stared at the both of you in a similar amount of surprise as your bespectacled classmate did. After sighing, you decided to use reason that Tenya would buy into, desperately hoping he would do as you said.
“Then it’s settled. We’re gonna take it easy this weekend, okay? And don’t apologise for making me worry. It’s my job to look out for you, you know. And we haven’t napped together in a while too. I kinda miss that.” You brought Tenya into a hug.
Tenya sighed. You were right. He couldn’t hide that he was tired. And honestly, it was exhausting having to troop through each class with the meager 4-5 hours of shut-eye he was getting. It was a battle that he knew he was losing. He surrendered to your suggestion.
“I...uh...suppose you’re right. Sorry for making you worry.” Right after Tenya had finished that sentence, he yawned. There was really no hiding his tiredness now.
“Hey...(y/n)? Thank you. I appreciate you doing this.” Tenya smiled, as he reciprocated your warmth.
#🪐 — [ saturn writes ]#🪐 — [ my hero academia ]#my hero academia#mha fanfiction#tenya iida#iida tenya#iida tenya x reader#tenya iida x reader#bnha fanfiction#mha fluff#bnha fluff#tenya x reader#iida x reader#gender neutral reader
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[Chapter I: Let’s Party!]
Pairing: Producer/Music Major! Han Jisung x Photographer! fem! reader
Genre: NSFW! Smut; non idol au, college au, strangers to lovers
Warnings: strong language, use of alcoholic beverages, drunken antics, ?? jackson wang is throwing a party?? (jk he’s not aljsks. changbin is tho), nothing filthy in this chapter, unfortunately :/ just plot build up
Chapter word count: 2.6k words
Taglist: @hyunjeongins @seungstarss @es-kay-zee @hyunjinsplaything @formidxble @freckledquokka (want to be added? send an ask or a dm! <3)
Haven University; school of the elite. From the academically inclined to the artistically blessed, only those who were gifted with such talents are accepted to augment their potential. The perfect school for the sensational.
...And like every other school with young hormonal adults, also the perfect school for a good fuck.
“Another outstanding submission, Y/n! Keep up the great work!”
You smiled at your photography teacher, Mr. Kim, bowing humbly as you thanked him. You were proud. Praise after praise for your picture taking skills only heightened your motivation to be the best even more. Photography has always been your passion. Ever since you were given your very first camera at the age of 5 years old- which, in retrospect, was actually a toy camera, you already knew that it is something you would want to pursue.
In the middle of your teacher’s praises with another student, the bell rang. “Looks like we ran out of time, folks. Great job again, Seungmin. Everyone, class dismissed,” he said, jokingly using shooing gestures. “Now hurry up and get out of my face, you delinquents. Lunch time awaits. Go replenish your life force.”
You began gathering your belongings, slinging your precious DSLR camera around your neck. “Outstanding submission, young photographer.” You heard someone say. You turned around to see Seungmin grinning at you.
You snort out a laugh. “Thanks. Great job to you too, Seungmo.” Seungmin was about to respond when your instructor’s voice interrupted.
“Oh. Except Y/n. Please stay a little bit after class, for me, dear.” You and Seungmin shared a glance, nodding for him to go ahead without you. He pats your shoulder, bidding you goodbye. You continued packing your things into your bag. As the rest of the students left the room, you walked towards Mr. Kim’s desk, waiting for his word. “Hello, Y/n.”
“Hello, sir. You wanted to talk to me?”
“Ah yes. I wanted to ask you this,” your instructor paused, sitting on his desk. “How much do you love photography?”
You paused, wanting to convey the exact feelings you wanted to express. “Photography is an escape for me,” you answered. “It’s another form of art that helps people convey the emotions and stories people want to tell. Some people express their emotions through music and lyrics, others through paintings, and others through dance. For me, personally, I’m not all that good in any of those aspects, sir. That is why I work so hard when it comes to this class, and in photography in general.” You unconsciously caressed the camera slung around your neck. “And to me, the stories behind a photo is a lot more intimate in a way that I just can’t explain.”
“Because...this is the only way for you to express yourself? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” You nodded. Mr. Kim hummed in thought. “I see.” He stood up and walked to you, placing his warm hands on your shoulder. “I admire you, kid.”
“You...admire me?” You were confused. The teacher admires his student? Isn’t it usually the other way around?
“Oh yeah. Is that hard to believe?”
“Uhm...Kinda, yeah.”
Mr. Kim laughed mirthfully, amused by your bewilderment and doubt. “Well, believe it. You have spunk. Soul. Your work impart emotions I have never seen from my other students before. You’re passionate about what you do, and I like that. You take digital arts very seriously.”
You laughed awkwardly, the amount of praise your instructor was giving you made you happy. “I do, sir. Kinda a shame not a lot of people even consider it an art.”
“Indeed,” he replied, sitting down on his desk. “Which is why I wanted to give you an impromptu assignment. I want to assign you a story telling type of assignment; to write a story using your photography skills, if that makes sense.”
“Hm, yes? I think I get a jist of what you're trying to tell me.”
“Excellent. I just want to use this to monitor your skills, Y/n. You’re a very talented person, the most talented I’ve ever had even. I just want to see how much of that potential you really have so I can help you blossom it into something greater.”
“Oh,” you draw out, somewhat understanding why he picked you. “I see, sir. I’m honored that you’ve picked me.”
“You should,” he joked. “Now, I want you to photograph the following- write or type this down before you forget.” You hastily whipped out your phone from your pocket. “Ready?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Okay. I want you to capture the perfect scenes. Give me something that gives you joy. Something that makes you emotional, good or bad or even both, if you can. Something you fear, and finally, something that you love unconditionally. These are all supposed to be different photos, by the way. Got that?”
You finished typing a few seconds later. “And...got it.”
“Awesome!” he smiled. “Just know that I’ll be giving you only 3 months to complete the assignment. I hope that this isn’t too much to ask of you, but I’m sure someone as ambitious as you doesn’t mind, right?”
“Nope, sir! Everything will be a-okay!”
“I’m glad! Now move along and get to the canteen already. I’m sure you’re just as hungry as I am.”
You giggled, making your way to the door. “Thank you sir! I’ll see you tomorrow!”
“Oh, finally! There you are! We were starving waiting for you!” You rolled your eyes at Minho, who immediately decided to pick on you the second you entered his field of sight.
“Shut up, you could’ve eaten without me you know?”
“Nah, cause what kind of friends would we be if you ate without you?”
“You just want to steal some of my food, don’t you?”
Minho scoffed and went quiet, prompting Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jeongin to laugh. “Caught you red-handed, Hyung,” Hyunjin teased, which backfired immediately causing him to chant an apology after Minho gave him a look.
“So why did you take so long, Y/n?” Jeongin asked.
“Oh, Mr. Kim wanted to give me an extra assignment.”
“Extra assignment?” Seungmin questioned. “What for?”
You shrugged, sitting down. “Uh, to test me? I’m not sure but I honestly think that there’s something more behind it. Not in like a bad way, just to clarify. I mean, he did acknowledge that I’m the best in his class after all.”
Seungmin snorted. “I just know you meant that unironically.” You jokingly blew a raspberry at him.
“Of course Y/n is the best!” Hyunjin stuck his chin up. “Let’s be honest, anyone could be the best if they use me as their model!”
“Hey, Hyunjin? You wanna eat this straw?” Minho threatened, making Hyunjin shut up.
“No...?”
“Good. Get off your high horse, prince charming.”
The three of you laughed. “Poor Hyunjin,” Jeongin sympathized sardonically.
“Hyunjin please stick to dancing and uh- not dying,” you said. “I still need you alive for some more upcoming projects.”
“For me too,” said Seungmin. “I might start using you as my model as well.”
Hyunjin fake cried, “Y’all just like me for my looks!”
“I mean, there’s no denying you are incredibly handsome but we like your personality too, Hyunie, don’t worry,” you cheered him up, then turned to Jeongin. “What about you, Yeni? How’re you holding up now that Lix is gone?”
Jeongin gasped. “I miss him! I’m so lonely now, especially when I have theatre! I feel so awkward now that girls swarm up to me instead- and you know I’m a shy boy!”
“Hey! At least you’re more popular now!” Minho laughed.
“Well, now we have no choice but to remember Felix in our hearts,” Seungmin replied.
“I’m not fucking dead. I just switched majors!” the four of you turned to see Felix pouting at you all.
“Well, you’re dead to me!” Jeongin wailed. “Going from a theatre major to a dance major. How could you?!”
Felix chuckled, sitting down between Seungmin and Jeongin. “I’m sorry! You know I’ll still see you though, buddy!”
“Why don’t you just switch to a regular vocal major next semester, Yeni?” you asked.
“Nah. I originally did want to go for just regular vocal studies but, you know, even if I did accidently sign up for the class, I ended up finding something else I wanna do. Plus, theatre is surprisingly fun! You know, find something new that’ll change your life every day.”
“Yup! Especially since they often collab with the dance majors so we get to see each other a lot!” Hyunjin beamed while Minho nodded in acknowledgment.
“Oh, speaking of dancing,” Minho chimed in. “You guys wanna go to a party I was invited to?”
“No,” Seungmin immediately responded.
“No, not you, I knew you would say no. I meant the others.”
Hyunjin nodded, “I was invited to the same party you’re talking about, so yeah.”
“Can’t,” Felix replied. “I’m still getting used to my new major and I still have a few assignments to catch up on.”
Jeongin hummed in agreement. “Same here. We have a play coming up soon and I’m a lead this time, so I gotta stay home to rehearse as much as I can.”
Minho made a stank face, “Aww. Lame.” He turned to you. “What about you, Y/n? You down?”
You thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”
“Really?” All 5 boys looked at you incredulously.
“Yeah. I might find some inspiration while I’m there. Besides you know I’ll just be leeching off of Hyunie and Min the whole time.”
Minho and Hyunjin high-fived, cheering a quiet ‘yes!’ Hyunjin giggled. “This is great cause we might need a designated back up driver in case I get drunk and Minho-hyung abandons me!”
“Now that you’ve said that, I might seriously consider that,” Minho grinned. “We’ll pick you up at 8 sharp! Y/n!”
‘8:53pm’ You wanted to go home already.
The boys, true to their word, picked you up at 8:00pm. With little to no traffic- and the fact that Hyunjin actually got ready early so that they wouldn’t be an hour late- the three of you made it to the party around 8:20pm. Even then there were already a lot of people there.
“What the fuck. This house is huge!” you gawked. “Can you even consider this a house still?!”
Hyunjin shrugged. “I’d say this more of a mansion at this point.” All you do mutter a constant chant of ‘what the fuck. what the fuck’ over and over again. “Who’s house is this again, Minho?”
“Changbin’s, remember? Jisung said they’re celebrating in his house,” Minho replied.
“Well this Changbin dude is LOADED,” you mused. Even in the dim lighting, you could see the elegance of the house, which most likely costs more than your entire tuition. “I’d hate to be the one who has to clean up the place.” The boys lead you to the kitchen, helping you avoid the crowd cause, in your words, ‘ew yucky people’. There, they brought you to two men wearing all black, who were hanging out on the island counter. Their names were Changbin- the handsome rich boy who owns the house, the lucky bastard- and Chan- another handsome rich boy with the cutest laugh and dimples, both really sweet and hilarious men, whom you very much enjoyed talking to...
That was the last memory you had before it went downhill.
It took 33 minutes and 4 soju bottles later for Hyunjin to get drunk. Chan and Changbin were back at the booth, manning the song list for the night while Minho was somewhere with some guy in a red beanie doing absolutely nothing, so here you were: stuck babysitting your best friend. “Y/n! Y/n!”
You sighed hearing Hyunjin drunkenly call you. Again. “Yes, Hyunie?”
“I looove you~!” he sang while giving you finger hearts, rocking on the balls of his feet. You sighed again, rubbing your temple.
“Yeah yeah. I know. Love you too.”
“Y/n!” Your left eye twitched. You whipped out your phone from your bra to text Minho.
Me: You bitch.
Help me
Minho ho ho 😼: Hi
No
You glowered. You quickly glanced up to check Hyunjin, who was now sitting on the carpeted floor in front of you, counting his luscious black hair.
Me: He’s-he’s counting his hair… Please get him. It’s like watching a bird repeatedly hitting glass
Minho ho ho 😼: At least he’s not making any trouble now, is he?
He fucking jinxed it. Hyunjin stood up with a shocked look on his face. “What’s wrong, Hyunjin?”
“It’s my favorite song!” he cheered, starting to dance along. You have to admit, even when he’s drunk, he’s still an exceptional dancer. Texting Minho a quick ‘fuck you’. You put your phone back between your breasts to go back to monitoring him, preparing yourself in case you needed to tackle Hyunjin down.
“Heyyy, Y/n!” Minho suddenly draped his arm around your shoulder. Taking your eyes off of Hyunjin, you glared at your lazy, backstabbing friend, shoving his arm off of you.
“Asshole, you’re ten minutes late.”
“Oh I'm not here for Hyunjin. I need your phone.” You look at him audaciously.
“What the- why?”
“My-uh-phone died?” he said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. Your eyes briefly flickered towards Minho’s friend, who, in return, looked down bashfully, red faced. Hm. Weird. You rolled your eyes, nonchalantly reaching into your shirt to get your phone. Minho didn’t even hide his grimace. He cringed, “It’s warm...and wet?”
“Shut up. I’m sweating, okay? And I don’t have any pockets on me.”
Minho nodded, going back to his little friend. Before you could scold him, you heard Hyunjin screaming. You turned around to find him running to the front door. Oh shit. You started pushing people to run after him
You groaned in disgust, wanting nothing more than to get the hell out of here. You pushed your way out of the crowd, cringing at the feeling of touching numerous dirty, unknown people. Where in the world is the fucking exit? In the midst of the sweaty, drunken bodies, your eyes met. It was like time had stopped; no one within the vicinity seemed to not have mattered anymore. With just a smirk and a flirty wink from the chubby-cheeked boy in the red beanie, you knew…
...you just had to fuck him
Hold on, Y/n. Your friend might get fucking ran over! You snapped out of it. With a flustered face, you continued shoving your way through, wrangling Minho on the way. “Come on, fucker. You’re helping me. Let’s go,” you sneered while Minho complained.
After 30 minutes of chasing and wrestling, the drunken beast was tamed. The night ended with Minho driving you all home instead while you and Hyunjin cuddled in the backseat against your will. Minho took great pleasure in knowing that he wasn’t Hyunjin’s cuddle buddy, laughing every time you tried unlatching yourself from him, which made the long haired boy cry. Your sadistic friend dropped you home first, apologizing for not being much of a help tonight. “To make it up to you, I have something for you,” he suspiciously said, wiggling his eyebrows, before giving your phone back and driving off.
You relaxed on your bed, happy that you were rid of those dirty, smelly clothes. You grabbed your phone to text Minho. Assuming that the messages app was left on your conversation with him, you started texting, not paying any mind to the fact that the chat was blank.
Me: Thanks for taking me I guess. I didn’t get anything other than unwanted kisses from Hyunjin ew but it’s aight.
Speaking of aight…Do you think you can give me your friend’s number? 👁👁 The one with the red beanie.
Cause sir, not to be nsfw or anything but he is one fine ass man that I’d like to fuck
Almost immediately, the three bubbles appeared. You were surprised that Minho would reply that fast, thinking we was still on the road with Hyunjin. The reply you got, however, made your heart drop.
Min’s hoe: uh...hi? 👋🏻
this is minho’s “fine ass friend with the red beanie” 👁👁
Shitshitshitshit SHIT
[NEXT CHAPTER]
A/n: Sorry no smut in this chapter just plot build up :(( (which i’m a sucker for) and a lot of dialogue. But Trust me. Everything written in this chapter will fall into place with the future chapters. And who know, next chapter might be 🥵
#stray kids smut#stray kids fanfic#stray kids imagines#stray kids scenarios#stray kids series#skz scenarios#skz imagines#skz fanfic#skz smut#han jisung smut#han jisung series#han jisung scenarios#han jisung imagines#han jisung x reader#Late Night Indulges
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I was the anon for more mma hc’s :) You can do whichever characters you’d like, same or different :) I NEED MORE OF YOUR WRITING UGH ITS SO GOOD I <3 U
𝐌𝐌𝐀 𝐅𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐂𝐒 𝐩𝐭.𝟐
THANK YOU OMG I <3 U TOO HERE’S AN AGGRESSIVE LONG-DISTANCE HUG FOR YOU 🥺 hope you’ll like this as much as part 1 ! i couldn’t resist writing for kuroo again i just had lots of hcs for him <33
⤷ kuroo, noya, bokuto, oikawa
pt.1 | pt.3
✰ 𝐤𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐨
• at this point your success in your sport dictates his whole mood
• like, his team doesn’t even need to ask if you won or not, it’s already written all over his face
• he might use your matches as a way to drag kenma outside, and the contrast between the two of them in the stands is hilarious
• kuroo would frantically shake his arm like ‘DID YOU JUST SEE THAT ?’ and kenma would just sat there like ‘yes.’
• even though you can fight and probably defend yourself, please let him think that he’s still your #1 bodyguard because he’ll perish if you take that away from him
• i just know he compares the size of your muscles (butt included), tbh he doesn’t even tell you about it, he just sneaks a peek every now and then
• will always offer to give you a massage if you’re sore, but he’d also really like you to give him one in the meantime (work smarter not harder)
• he’ll take care of all your wounds, even the tiniest, and i can picture him keeping two or three band-aids in his bag at all times, just in case
• he’d be so ecstatic to know that you use the same workout playlist as him, especially if he made it
• as i said in pt.1, seeing you fight probably makes him really horny but you didn’t hear it from me
✰ 𝐛𝐨𝐤𝐮𝐭𝐨
• proudest bf ever i’m not even joking
• he thinks the difference between you as a fighter and you outside of your sport is fascinating
• i think he’d really love to play a role, even a tiny one, in your success so he’ll most probably insist on buying you brand new training equipment
• i can easily picture bokuto driving you to your match and hyping you the fUCK UP during the ride
• but he always finishes by saying something like “you know i’ll love you no matter what, right ? so, no pressure ok ?”
• he’d also leave little notes of encouragement in your sports bag, maybe promise to treat you to something afterwards as a motivation
• you’re not supposed to know this but he dials 911 before each of your matches because he’s so terrified of you getting hurt that he wants to be one click away from calling them
• overall he really likes sitting in the stands during your matches, but he’ll lose all his enjoyment the SECOND he sees the tiniest drop of blood
• but the reason why he likes watching you fight so much is because you can’t allow yourself to go into an emo mode like him, you’re on your own and not giving your all would mean losing the match
• so he sees your matches as something really educational for him and his way of playing (akaashi’s grateful for that)
✰ 𝐨𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚
• oikawa knows better than to start a ‘playful’ fight with you like kuroo or tsumu, because he knows he’ll have his ass handed to him
• on the other hand, he’s so persuaded that you have his back 24/7 that he might be a little more sassy with iwa-chan and count on you to defend him
• if your matches are recorded then he’ll always watch them with you afterwards and would spend hours helping you analyze what you did wrong/right
• because yes, oikawa will watch professional mma matches on tv so that he can help you improve and overall have a better understanding of the sport
• he’ll double-check your bag to make sure you don’t forget anything, bless his soul
• he WILL look at your opponent up and down before, during and after the match
• but this attitude is just a facade because the screams he lets out are worthy of a 6 yo girl
• he’s the kind of guy who says “ow” just because he saw someone get punched
• depends on his mood but some days he’ll high-five you, other days he’ll french kiss you mercilessly in front of everyone
• he’d try his best to always sleep with you before a big match because he wants to make sure you get enough sleep
✰ 𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐨𝐲𝐚
• “SO COOL BABE YOU’RE SUCH A BADASS” *star eyes*
• honestly a huge fanboy
• you think he wouldn’t take bets before your matches ? you’re wrong. business is business
• if he’s in the stands and hears people complimenting your technique, it’ll be really hard for him not to turn around and participate in the discussion
• if your matches take place during one of his, he’ll give 200% on the court because he knows you’ll do the same
• noya usually likes to hang out with his teammates afterwards, but if your match isn’t finished then he’ll SPRINT out of the gym to come and see you
• hear me out : winning is great, but noya congratulating you after winning is better. he’s your best reward
• he’s just so fucking extra, this 5’3 man would be so hyped that he’d cartwheel his way towards you (oh and star eyes are back)
• let’s just say that the rest of the day is all about you, he’s dedicated to fulfill your every need
• it kinda troubles him how watching you fight gives him the irresistible urge to kiss you, and i mean irresistible
@toworuu
#haikyuu#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu headcanons#kuroo tetsurou#kuroo headcanons#bokuto koutarou#bokuto headcanons#tooru oikawa#oikawa headcanons#nishinoya yuu#noya headcanons#messages that butter my croissant 🖤
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I'm so sorry that you are sad. Honestly I was suprised that request are open for so long... So I will request! Can I have RFA + minor trio (i'm so happy that i don't have to choose one part this time, i love almost everyone) who was forced by her family to have job like lawyer or doctor but she dreamed about being a writer since she was very young? Thank you and don't be sad about lack of requests. I'm sure thatbin short time you will again have tons of them
RFA + Minor Trio with a Mc who was forced to do high sociality jobs instead of becoming an author
Thank you, yeah, they were open for a pretty long time, the likes and reblogs also went down a bit, I believe that I was gone for too long, ups.
But I will catch up!
Your words made me happy! Thank you for your support!
Jumin
,,I look up to you, my love,’’ Jumin praised you in your shared bedroom as you faced each other.
Your head was resting on his warm chest as you could hear his heartbeat.
,,Why?’’ you asked him, curious about what he would say next.
,,You achieved so much. You studied medicine and are a professor at such a young age, saving other people’s lives, it’s really amazing, you know?’’ he asked you, smiling down at you as you stayed silent for a few moments.
,,You think so? Because I always wanted to become an author. I can’t think of a time in my childhood in which I wasn’t thinking about a story. I only began to write them down way too late. I didn’t even get the chance to ask a publisher to look at them,’’ you whispered sadly, and Jumin could hear it.
,,Why didn’t you do that then?’’ he asked you, now patting your back.
,,I was forced to. My mother, gosh, it was such a hard time. That’s why I don’t have a good relationship with her.
She burned all my writings, forced me to go to the school she wanted, all because she wanted me to have a good stable job; a job with money, contacts to marry into a rich family, to marry another doctor, and open my own hospital.
Because she came from a medical family, I had to do the same.’’ you sighed.
,,Then… just resign, I will call a publisher tomorrow. You don’t need to worry about money. I already told you once… just put yourself above everyone else… if you want to become a writer, I will open that possibility for you… I will protect you, even in front of your mother,’’ Jumin whispered and held you tighter in his arms while you began to fall asleep with your heart at ease...
Zen ( this one was kinda hard cause, like everyone else knows, I always try to stick to the original story line and MC is his manager after they become a couple so…)
,,I’m so proud of you,’’ Zen laughed as he kissed you.
You just resigned your position as a lawyer, all because you were going for your own carrier.
,,Thank you, Zenny,’’ you mumbled and gave him a kiss on his cheek.
,,You motivated me to not do what my family wants. Thanks to you, I’ve realized that even if that was a stable job, nothing can beat doing something you love,’’ you laughed.
Zen knew that you were very brave and that it took you a lot of strength.
But luckily, you saved a lot of money in your years as a lawyer so every single door was open to you.
,,ARE YOU CRAZY?!’’ someone screamed when you just returned in front of Zen’s door.
,,YOU BARELY KNOW THIS MAN! WHAT CAN HE GIVE YOU?! NOTHING! HE WILL TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY!’’ your mother screamed at you.
,,Mother, I have enough of my own. So does Zen and we already talked about this. Besides, no one is saying that I won’t keep making money anymore,’’ you told her calmly, making your boyfriend even prouder.
,,Ah! And what do you intend to do? So you think that you will write something and someone else will make a book out of your crap?’’ she asked you, laughing at your idiotic idea, or so she thought.
,,No,’’ you laughed.
,,I will work as his manager and while I am doing so, I will write my own book, my steps, and a script for a movie. Everything is already set, mother,’’ you smiled and pulled Zen.
,,One day, we will be able to talk like a mother and a daughter, but until then, stay healthy,’’ you lastly said and then closed the door behind yourself.
Yoosung
As you helped Yoosung, he realized more and more that you taught him with a bit of bitterness.
Of course, humans and animals were different, but you noticed that there were a few basics you could help him to remember.
One day, Yoosung finally found enough strength to ask you about it.
,,Mc, do you like your job?’’ he asked you, a bit nervous even though you two had been together for such a long time.
You answered with a short, ,,no’’ and then you smiled.
,,I hate it. I wanted to become a writer. I put all my hope into it and lost. My parents were pretty strict and they still are. I had to become a doctor and I couldn’t change that. And so, here I am, with the most wonderful job, saving human beings, without actually enjoying it,’’ you told him and laid back on your chair.
,,And why do you keep doing it?’’ he asked you.
Well, that was a good question. You really had no idea...why…?
,,Let’s do it like this! Work on your books, on whatever you want to write. Write whenever you have time and once I have the job, you can resign yours! I will make your dream come true. You just have to go through it for a little while longer,’’ he smiled at you, actually making you tear up.
,,Yoosung, I’m so happy that I met you back then,’’ you laughed in tears and kissed him with all your love.
Jaehee
Back then, when Jaehee gave you the key, she never thought that this could be a harder fight than she imagined.
As a banker, one of the most known in Korea, you however, knew what you were talking about.
But something felt off.
And Jaehee, even though she didn’t like it, began to understand while you supported her so much with doing what she loved.
You were probably going through the same.
,,We need these credits and you need to fill out that page and sign here, these papers,’’ you told her, with the most monotone voice you ever had.
,,You don’t look as if you enjoy this. I’m sorry that you have to do this for us…’’ she mumbled.
In the next moment, you smiled at her. ,,Don’t worry, Jaehee. this just isn’t my favorite job, that’s why. I just don’t like my job, it has nothing to do with you,’’
This made her feel even more uncomfortable.
,,Mc, why don’t you do the same as me… I mean, I thought that we would do this together, but seeing you so busy… is that really something you want to do?’’ she asked you, more nervous than before.
Currently, Jaehee was questioning all her decisions.
Was it the right decision to leave Jumin’s company and open a shop with a stranger she kind of felt attracted to?
,,I’ll find a solution,’’ you smiled and stroked her arm.
,,I have to wait until we are finished with the preparations or else our money will be cut off and we won’t be able to do anything. Then, when this coffee shop is up and running, I will write a book about how to make it work, give out information without wanting money for it, and just helping people,’’ you smiled, your eyes looked even warmer now.
,,You- oh my, my head, what was I thinking? Of course, what you’re saying makes so much sense,’’ she laughed.
,,Let’s do this. I will support you with all my heart,’’ she smiled and signed the paper you needed from her.
Saeyoung
,,I’m home,’’ you called as you rushed inside and took off your shoes.
Saeyoung rushed to your side as he helped you to take off your jacket.
,,How was your day, my dear?’’ he said.
You were shocked to see your fiancé in a dress with fake hair.
,,What the heck are you doing?’’ you laughed as you kissed him.
,,Since you weren’t home, I had to play the madam of the house,’’ he acted.
,,In short, he had to act like an idiot,’’ Saeran said and rolled his eyes as your friends, the other members of the RFA laughed.
Yes, carefree days finally came.
,,How was work?’’ Zen asked you.
,,Please, no, don’t let me begin! I hate it! Being a judge for teenagers is just so… Ah, I can’t take it anymore! I’m pissed and I don’t want to do it anymore,’’ you said and drank some water.
,,Why?’’ Jaehee asked you. You were doing a good job, why did you think like that?
,,Because I don’t want to take children from their parents anymore. I’m sick and tired of it,’’ you answered.
,,If they get neglected…’’ Saeyoung answered, this time being serious. He knew what he was talking about.
You looked at him. You understood his point, but…
,,It’s not fair to judge by things you hear or experience yourself. Sometimes, there are good parents who lose their children, you know?’’ you warned him.
But you already knew that Saeyoung put an end to all of this, even though you didn’t like the way he did it, just like he did it for Zen back then when he posted a short chapter of your book and made a lot of publishers come to you.
As a little thank you, he said back then.
And even though you didn’t like the method he used, you were thankful to him and were happy.
If someone wants to see a oneshot out of this HC please comment below or send me a message ( anon works out too ) I want to hear your opinions.
Saeran
You laid down on your couch when you turned your head around to read the time.
Once again, it was 3 am.
Saeran walked over to you without you noticing him and hugged you from behind.
,,You’re still not sleeping?’’ you asked him and nuzzled your face into his neck, inhaling Saeran’s scent.
,,Jumin needed help with something and I had to finish it,’’ he lied. He waited for you but he would never tell you. The thing he worked on wasn’t even that important.
He just wanted to see you, because as a politician, you two barely had time for each other.
It was funny. He hated politicians, his ,,father’’ at first, but you… you were different.
You were fighting for something.
And he knew that if it wasn’t for him, you would have given up this job a long time ago.
,,You know, if you want to do something else, do it… you don’t have to stay in that position just for me,’’ he mumbled as he stroked your hair.
,,It’s okay. We need to save Saeyoung. I don’t want to get revenge, but I want everyone involved to get what they deserve. You know, back then I never would have thought that the job my father forced on me would someday help you. I always hated him and myself for not being able to change it. But as soon as we win this fight, I will finally realize my dream and write a book about our life. What happened to you and Saeyoung should go public and I will fight for it!’’ you told him.
He hugged you and took you in his arms, carrying you to your shared bed.
,,We should pay our respect to your father and visit him over the weekend,’’ he whispered and waited for your answer, but you already fell asleep.
,,Thank you, Mc,’’ he whispered before he also fell asleep.
Jihyun
,,I never thought that in the two years I wasn’t around you, you would actually change your job. I’m happy that now you’re able to do what you always wanted to do,’’ Jihyun praised you.
,,Yes, thank you. I never liked working in a hospital, although I grew with the job.
But today, writing about all these things helped me.
And I finally showed my parents that a writer can also be something to look up to,’’ you smiled as you watched your daughter Lucy.
,,Did you ever speak to them again?’’ he asked you.
Your parents and his father didn’t come to your wedding; that was why only the RFA came.
It was kind of sad that the only true friends you guys had were the RFA, but everyone else weren’t really people you would call friends.
,,No, well, having a daughter going from being a surgeon to being an author is something to feel disappointed about, apparently,’’ you laughed sadly.
,,I will never ever forbid Lucy to do anything she loves,’’ you said and then looked over to Jihyun.
He nodded and agreed with you.
Your husband hugged you and kissed your cheek, he had to think about the time he first saw that you actually published something. He could only imagine how hard that time must have been for you.
He was also kind of sad that he wasn’t there with you. Jumin told him later that he actually supported you a lot without even telling you because he knew that you would have never accepted his help.
But from now on, he would be there and support you.
For you, and for the sake of his family and friends.
Vanderwood
One day, when Vanderwood was cleaning up after the two of you moved in, he saw a box.
The box, which was standing in the middle of a room, was getting on his nerves so much that the long haired man decided to throw it away, thinking that it was nothing but trash in there.
However, he soon realized that he had been horribly wrong.
The box slipped out of his hands and a lot of papers fell out.
,,Huh?’’ he asked himself as he picked one up, the words “chapter one” written on it.
One by one, Vanderwood sorted the papers and actually noticed that three whole books were inside the box as single pages.
Just when Vanderwood was at chapter six of one of the books, you entered, the cleaning session long forgotten when you arrived.
,,What is that?’’ you asked him when you saw that he actually read something from your books.
,,You should tell me, don’t you know that that’s against the copyrights? I mean, you are a lawyer, you should know that-’’ Vanderwood quickly stayed silent when he saw your tears.
,,I can hide this scandal, you know?’’ he whispered.
But he was totally wrong.
,,I wrote it years ago. Back when my father lost a trial because of a lawyer. At that time, he forced me to become one too to get revenge.
And so I had to give up on my books,’’ you told him.
,,But your father died! Who cares?! Change jobs!’’ he said, a bit louder.
,,With what money should we pay for the appartnemnt with… and the food?’’ you asked him and laughed. He seemed to forget that he still didn’t have a job and that you were the only one with an income.
,,We will manage. I will make it come true,’’ he told you, and indeed, Vanderwood made everything you wished for come true.
You didn’t know how, and he asked you to not ask about his methods, but your books were published. You could work as an author and could give up what you didn’t enjoy and he was actually working as your manager.
,,I told you to clean the keyboard twice a day!’’ he hissed while you smiled at him.
MASTERLIST 1
MASTERLIST 2
MASTERLIST 3
29.03.2021// 22:26 MEST
#jumin han#jumin x reader#jumin x mc#zen hyun ryu#zen x mc#zen x reader#yoosung kim#yoosung x reader#yoosung x mc#jaehee kang#jaehee x mc#jaehee x reader#saeyoung choi#saeyoung x reader#saeyoung x mc#707 x reader#707 x mc#luciel choi#luciel x reader#luciel x mc#seven x mc#seven x reader#saeran choi#saeran x mc#saeran x reader#jihyun x mc#jihyun x reader#jihyun kim#vanderwood x reader#vanderwood x mc
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Life and Happiness: Logan x Reader
Summary: You’ve been really depressed lately and Logan helps comfort you in his own way. (sort of college AU?)
Words: 1100+
Warnings: Some angst, hurt/comfort, reader is kinda sassy, reader is also depressed (not su*cidal depressed though so no mention of that)
Author’s Notes: Got the idea for this while rewatching “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning,” basically a self therapy fic lol. I’m more likely to listen to Logan than I am to myself so why not put the words in his mouth? Also I’m thinking about opening Sanders Sides requests again after I finish my WandaVision requests so this is kinda a warm-up for that ig lol
Taglist: @luluwinchester @nerve-ous-love @zarieslayer @amayaisokay
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“Are you alright?”
You look up to see a somewhat familiar face, or at least you think so. It’s a guy you’ve seen in one of your classes, the one always sitting at the front and wearing a tie as if it’s a special occasion. He seems nice enough, but you’ve never really talked to him.
His words bring you back to reality a bit, your attention moving from your thoughts to your surroundings. It’s dark, it’s late, and no one else is around except for you and him. You’re sitting on an uncomfortable bench with a bag of work you’ve barely touched, and honestly you’re not even sure if you had any intention to do it at all tonight.
“Oh...I’m fine,” you finally say, forcing a smile.
He shakes his head, “It’s not safe to be alone at night. Do you want me to walk you to your dorm?”
“I…” you sigh. “I don’t really want to go back there,”
“Roommate troubles? I understand that,” he laughs.
“No, it’s not that,” you fidget with your hands. “I guess I just feel like I don’t deserve to go get some rest right now, ya know?” you try to play the heavy statement off as a joke, but his face clearly molds to concern.
He sits down next to you, “Taking a break and sleeping aren’t things you earn, they’re necessities. Why don’t you think you deserve to rest?”
“Because I haven’t gotten anything done today, I guess, I don’t know,” you shrug, clenching your fists a bit to hold the tension in. “And I hate myself for it. I just…” you reach for your bag to pack it up. “Never mind, it doesn't matter. You probably don’t get that anyway, you seem like the kind of person that’s good at everything,”
He stops you, taking your bag and setting it aside, “That’s not true,”
“Really?” you exhale. “You don’t have to be modest, man. It’s just a fact,”
“No, that’s your opinion, actually,” he says. “There’s a big difference,”
“Fine, then my opinion is that everything’s probably come easy to you all your life and you don’t understand how I feel right now. Happy?”
“Actually, come to think of it, that’s an assumption, not an opinion,”
“Whatever,” you smirk, almost letting out a genuine laugh. “How about you tell me the facts then, Mr. Know-It-All,”
“My name is Logan,”
“Know-It-All refers to your last name,”
“My last name is Sanders, actually,”
You chuckle, “Alright, Logan Know-It-All Sanders. I’m Y/N,”
“Geez, you’re almost as bad as my roommate,” he huffs. “But pleased to meet you, Y/N,”
“Your roommate gives you nicknames?”
“At least eight times a day, yes,”
“Ah,” you nod. “Alright, I’m sorry, what were you saying?”
“I was saying,” he emphasizes. “That your assumptions about me are completely untrue. I do enjoy learning, yes, but that doesn’t mean it comes easy to me. I have to work hard and study just like everyone else, and sometimes I fall short and fail. Many times, actually. I’m not ‘good at everything,’ I put effort and practice into the things I want to be good at, and eventually I get good at them,”
“Hmm,” your smile fades. “Still, you’re very naturally motivated to do all that. I’m just...not,”
“Why’s that?”
“I’’m only here because I have to be. If I don’t get some sort of higher education I have less of a chance of getting a good job, and I’d like to have at least a somewhat stable life. I gave up on my dreams a long time ago, I’m just trying to survive,” you don’t know why you’re venting to this guy you barely know, yet now that you’ve started you can’t stop. “But it’s not just that. Everything feels wrong, I feel empty, I feel nothing. School isn’t the only thing that brings me down, it’s just life in general. It’s like the weight of the world isn’t just on my shoulders, it’s actively pushing down on them, and it’s just a matter of time until I break,” your face falls to your hands, covering your watery eyes. He probably thinks you’re crazy or overreacting, you should’ve just let him walk you home and not bothered him with your problems.
“Is it happiness that’s left you, or living?” he asks.
You look at him, your voice croaking from holding everything in, “What?”
“You said you don’t feel anything and you’re just trying to survive. So which has truly left you, happiness or the figurative ‘feeling’ of living?”
“I’m...not sure,”
“The way I see it, we are never promised happiness. It’s never a guarantee, it’s not a right, it’s not something we can always count on. Emotions come and go, and just because it’s a positive one doesn’t change that. But living…” he grins. “Living is a gift. Just the fact that you’re here is amazing. You’re breathing, you’re you. It can be easy to forget that, but it’s true. Your life in and of itself has meaning, no matter what you choose to do with it. You may feel like you’re only surviving and working towards the bare minimum, but you’re alive. I guess that’s why I’ve never understood when people feel worthless if they’re not achieving their dreams and greatness and the like, just being alive and experiencing the world seems like enough to me,”
You stare blankly at him, not sure what to say.
“I really shouldn’t keep you any longer,” he checks his watch and hands you your bag. “How about that walk back now?”
You nod, getting up and walking in the direction of your dorm.
It’s a relatively silent stroll, nothing except your breathing and a few cricket chirps. Logan offers to carry your things, leaving you empty handed until you hit your destination. You appreciate the gesture, you just hope he’s not only doing it out of pity.
“I know you believe you don’t deserve it, but I really urge you to get some rest,” he turns to you at the doorway, handing you back your bag.
“I’ll try my best,” you nod with a smile. “Thank you, Logan. For everything,”
“Of course,” he smiles back, handing you a piece of paper as he leaves. “Let me know if you ever need anything,”
You look down to see his number scribbled on the paper, and he waves to you again before turning around the corner.
You never thought Logan Sanders would be the one bringing you comfort on a night like this, but here you are.
And you really hope he’ll do it again.
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All of the story asks please :) (Character specific ones I'd say up to you, but would love to have them be Jonah/Cecil or my usual favorites ;) )
what’s the last screenshot you’ve taken for your story?
2. describe your story in three words or less
Family, Angst, Drama
3. describe (insert character here) in three words or less
Jonah - unassuming, brave sensitive
Cecil - insightful, supportive, caring
Evan - self-sacrificing, helpful, innocent
Jayden - protective, stubborn, active
4. how did you choose the name of your story?
I try to use titles that is kind of thematic of the story I'm writing. It takes me forever to come up with a name and sometimes the name changes multiple times before it gets posted.
5. how do you choose your characters’ names?
It depends upon the story. For my Reagan family stories (TS4) I use the parents names. It's kind of a family tradition. For instance Jonah/Ethan. All boys will start with E and the girls will start with J. In my TS3 stories I sometimes choose a theme for names and use that. Like next gen of NSQL the theme is nature.
6. how long have you been working on your story for?
Well it depends on the story. With my Reagans I started writing for them in the summer of 2019. For my TS3 legacies I started in 2014 I think.
7. whats the biggest risk you’ve taken with your story? did it pay off?
I think my biggest risk is my current story Into the Depths of Darkness. I wasn't sure I could pull it off and the story has changed from what I thought it would be and the hero of the story has changed from first conception. I'm happy that Jonah is the hero of his own story and it's given him so much character growth and he's becoming more of what I always invisioned him being. I owe a lot to @mahvaladara to how the story has progressed and the ideas she has contributed. It wouldn't be what it is without her.
8. what about your story are you proud of?
There are many things I'm proud. Mostly that I continue writing even though sometimes it feels like I'm ripping my heart out to write some of things I write about and also that I don't quit even when it's hard.
9. what about your story are you looking to improve on?
There's always things that can be improved. Writing is a process that the more you do it the more you learn and get better. I could say pictures but I'll admit the storytelling will always come first over pretty pics and sometimes I just can't find the right pose to fit. Maybe one day I'll be able to make my own poses but I'm not there yet.
10. is your story fully planned or are you still working things out? is there a definitive end?
It's a work in progress. I start writing from an outline of how I think the story should go but it's loose enough for me to rearrange things or remove/add things to it as the story evolves.
11. why have you decided to tell this story? are there any messages or meanings within it?
I just like to write. If there's any message in my stories it's that family is important and no matter awful things you might face in life if you have people who love and care for you that you can endure it. But mostly that you can rise above your circumstances and still be a healthy, functioning person despite everything even if you have a mental or health problems, you can still be happy, loved.
12. do you actually play the game or do you just use it as a storytelling medium?
It's mostly a storytelling medium for me. I do play it sometimes but tbh though TS4 lacks so much depth and gameplay I find it boring after a while. I've gotten into playing TS3 again now that I have a better computer that it doesn't lag as much.
13. from basic planning to a finished post, how long does that take you?
I don't honestly know. I've never stopped to consider how long it takes.
14. do you have any regrets about your story so far? if you could go back in time, how would you fix these?
No I don't think I have any real regrets. Sure I go back and think I could have written that better or edited that picture more but for the most part I'm happy with my stories.
15. what have been the highlights of creating your story?
The highlights have always been the people who become involved in my characters lives.
16. what about the process do you enjoy?
Seeing my stories come to life. How my characters change as the story progresses.
17. what about the process do you hate?
When I struggle to write a scene and it doesn't flow the way it should. It's generally because I'm coming at it wrong. Once I figure that out than it flows. Sometimes the seeming lack of interest in what I write from the readers is hard to overcome and I feel like quitting. But the few who comment I thank because that always revs up my motivation to continue.
18. choose a song that reminds you of your story
Just one song....that's really difficult say. There are so many songs out that fit my current story. This song fits Into the Depths of Darkness because where there's a lot of darkness there's still hope to be found.
19. choose a song that reminds you of (insert character here)
Ok I'll do this for Jonah - Fight Song
20. choose your favourite shot from your story so far
21. choose your least favourite shot so far
22. choose a favourite character from your story so far
Jonah is my baby. It may not show it by I love him.
23. choose your least favourite character so far
Hmm this is difficult because there were characters I created purely to be hated. Currently my least favorite is Ethan but it's not because I don't love him but it's because of his roll in the story.
24. are there any characters who remind you of yourself?
Not really. There are certain aspects of me in all my characters or people I know in them but none are an incert of myself.
25. what inspirations have you drawn on for your story?
There are so many. I draw inspiration from people around me. From movies and TV shows I watch. The books I read. Sometimes from the people I interact with on here mainly @izayoichan @mahvaladara @jenpants and @legendofsim They've let me bounce ideas off of them and their input helps me in my stories.
26. have other sim stories inspired you?
Yes they have. See above. All their stories have inspired me.
27. what genres would you describe your story as?
Modern fantasy drama??? I have no idea if that's a thing but it best describes what I write.
28. if you could reproduce your story in another medium (movie, novel, comic, etc.) what would you choose and why?
Hmm I'd say novel or maybe series. A movie would be cool too.
29. what would your story’s rating be? (G, PG, M etc.)
Hmm interesting I'd like to say its somewhere between PG-13 and mature just because of some of the topics.
30. if you were leaving simblr and had to choose another creator to continue the story for you, who would you ask?
I think either @izayoichan or @mahvaladara for my TS4 stories since they've helped me write some of them and they would keep true to the characters as they love them as much as I do.
For my TS3 stories I would say @legendofsim since for a long time our stories had been intertwined.
31. drop some random trivia about your story
Ethan was supposed to die trying to save Jonah
Caiden was supposed to have played the part of the hero instead of Jonah
Cory was going to heal Jonah's broken heart over the of Ethan.
But as they say the story changed...
32. give a light spoiler
Someone will be heartbroken at the end of the story.
33. recommend another creator’s story!
There are so many: @izayoichan @mahvaladara @nikatyler @justkeeponsimming @amuhav @legendofsim @simlit @lilyshadowwriter @wannabecatwriter
Please don't be upset if you weren't listed on here. I love everyone I follow but these are my favorites. I have others but some aren't active anymore and stuck with the ones I'm always waiting for the next installment, even if I'm behind on a few of them.
Thank you for asking!
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Hi Pia!! I love your work and have consistently been reading it for over a couple of years, currently every TIP update u post makes my days a bit brighter 🥰
It is also thanks to you that I started posting fics last year after more than three years not doing so. While some of my fics have been wildly popular in a fandom some others don't seem to have landed as well within the same one, so I wanted to ask, what do you do about those stories that excite you but that don't seem to have found an audience yet, or that they never will?? How do you work through the fear of them not being worth your writing time?
Have a lovely day 💚🍀
Hi anon,
This is a hugely complicated question.
For a start, for writing that is for income, if I think it won't do well, I don't write it (although only to a point, I wrote The Gentle Wolf because asexual representation mattered more to me than sales, but it still hit hard when that turned out to be true). I don't like to mess with things that pay the bills. I hate that I have to look at metrics in that sense, but I do. But thankfully we're not talking about original fiction:
For fanfiction, things are different, and there might be a lot of different things going on.
For a start, almost always, when people ask me this question they are still getting some interaction on their fics, just not as much as they wanted or imagined. It can really help to like, remember to be grateful for every person who interacts, and not just the 'quantity' of interactions.
I think like... I am a big fan of 'write for yourself' but it's also true that I write for interaction on AO3. Just... only you can decide how much of the former will compensate for not much of the latter. There are people out there who are like 'if I was only writing for myself I'd keep it in my computer.' I'm not like that, and I don't vibe that way. I write for myself but enjoy sharing it, in case something that worked well for me, works well for a stranger. Everyone is different and that's eventually going to be what the crux of this post is, lol.
Popularity is influenced by the fact that some fandoms are more dead than others and lack interaction across the board in general (Persona 5, for example, is notorious for this). Some fandoms like certain tropes more than others. Some fandoms are massively popular for three weeks and then die almost immediately. And so on and so on.
Ultimately fandom is fickle, it's loyal to the stories they like more than the authors they like, and you can't predict what will be a flash in the pan and what won't be, and it doesn't always have anything to do with the quality of the fic itself or the tags you used. (This is sort of like how sketches will sometimes get tens of thousands of notes and a 300 hour single piece of quality art will get 400 notes, while a professional artist tears their hair out in pieces).
Sometimes, a fic will be more interesting to me than the reality of fandom interaction and I'll write it. Touching and Melting for Houseki no Kuni is a good example of that. A tiny fic for honestly an extremely quiet and tiny western fandom in terms of fic, which looks like it had a lot of interaction 3 years on, but had almost nothing in the first few months. And sometimes the fic idea won't be more interesting to me than the reality of the fandom interaction, and I won't write it. I go story idea by story idea.
But I've also taught myself to really think about a) the way I talk about interaction and b) to really value every individual that leaves a kudos, or comments, or public bookmarks. When I sort of started out with Shadows and Light, I remember being so bummed when a story didn't do as well, and thinking that meant it was doing 'badly.' Let's be real, Game Theory when it started out had less than a tenth of the interaction of SALverse, and I thought I had failed. If I'd given up at that point, well... all of this wouldn't exist.
And then just looking at fanfiction, it's like.. well, sometimes fics do a lot worse than other fics, there's usually at least one person who will read it and leave a kudos. I remind myself that to that person, the story mattered or meant something, which meant I didn't just write it for myself anymore, there is interaction.
This is much harder on stories that have zero comments, and zero kudos, obviously, no one likes to feel as though they are shouting into the void. But it's also my experience that writers who've had popular fics, don't often have 'zero kudos fics' when they say a fic is doing really badly. They just..maybe need to value the individual interactions alongside how good a 'mass' of interaction can feel, or alongside how good 'quantity' can feel. I do really think that's a skill that a lot of like...enthusiastic fanfiction writers have mastered or at least are learning.
Sometimes it really helps to have somewhere in private to vent to when you feel emotionally overloaded or insecure, and honestly sometimes it can help to re-evaluate.
For some people, writing fic when a certain threshold of interaction isn't reached, just isn't worth it. I can't convince people like that to keep writing. If there's a deep seated 'this isn't worth it' then stop doing it.
If there's 'this is insecurity and I'm not good at valuing everyone and I feel down right now but it'll pass' then...work quietly and patiently and compassionately on strengthening your resilience and your trust in your own writing, and your ability to value individuals who interact and engage on your fics. If you don't do this, you may end up bitter and resentful, and that can influence your entire relationship with fandom, and worse, the people who interact with your fics.
Also, finally:
How do you work through the fear of them not being worth your writing time?
In fanfiction, I do not base whether something is worth my writing time on the quantity of people who will interact with it. It is worth my writing time because I'm really excited to write it, and I want to share it, even if people don't respond immediately, or even if only one person ever comments.
I don't...have this fear that you have based on the things you're basing it on - my fears are different to yours. It's fanfiction. It's worth my writing time because I'm eager to write or fix or alter something in canon or I want to make the two boys fuck because no one else was going to, and because I can generally trust that one person out there will probably read it, even if I go back over 10 years ago and my Livejournal fics were only getting like one comment per chapter. If that.
If your metric for 'worthiness' is 'quantity of interaction' then - I'm the wrong person to talk to, I'm literally motivated to write fanfiction by completely different factors to you. I didn't start SAL knowing it would get popular, I thought people would hate me because I killed Jamie in the first chapter, and up until that point none of my fics had been popular.
I can't convince you on the things that convince me, when our foundational motivations are different. If you want quantity and that's what 'worth' means to you, I don't know what to tell you, I would never have written SAL in the first place if I hadn't been the kind of person to just write fanfic for almost no / or no interactions, and still enjoy that single person who said 'I really enjoyed this thank you for writing.' I didn't spring into being as someone who was writing fics that got a lot of interaction, that came...years later, y'know?
So what is worthy to me sounds like it's also just different to what is worthy to you. Ultimately, there are people only writing fanfiction on the basis of how many people interact with them, and...I don't know how those people keep choosing to write honestly, and I think a lot eventually abandon it, because there's no algorithm to crack in order to be successful every time. Maybe...remind yourself that you've had popular fics in the past and therefore you will again? And that you can't get to that point without less popular fics on the step ladder in the meantime? Therefore, even a fic that doesn't feel 'worth your time' will be a stepping stone to the one that is?
Imho, I think my fics are worth my time because I enjoy reading them once they're finished. And then I think they're worth my time because other people enjoy them. Having a popular fic is fun and nice, but honestly, often a fluke, and doesn't always say anything about the quality of the writing (some of the most popular Yuri! on Ice stories with 10,000+ kudos were like...not always...the most well-written stories, but people were desperate for Content, and it was certainly that).
But yeah, how I think about fanfiction is very different to how I think about 'fiction that has to earn an income.' Ultimately I don't want to apply the latter philosophies to the former, other people do. If you're applying 'this needs to hit a certain threshold of interaction to be worthy' as your basis for writing fanfiction, then...we have very very different motivations for creating content in fandom! And I'm the wrong person to ask.
As I said, it's complicated, lol.
#asks and answers#pia on writing#pia on fanfiction#people have different values they bring to writing fanfiction#i've seen folks just say 'it's not worth it' if they're not getting like a certain amount of kudos or comments#and idk#i don't relate to that#which i know is hard to believe now but like#i *literally started out*#posting fics on livejournal and on livejournal communities#thinking it was a small miracle if like#*a single person commented*#and that's what sustained me for years#if that would've made you quit#we're here for different reasons anon
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