#sorry for vent post on main but holy fuck.
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one of my closest, dearest friends has been isolated and kicked out + taken away to nowhere by his family for being trans. i do not know if he is okay. I do not know if he is safe. I do not know where he is. I can't even ask him or reassure him, he's been gone for days. and today I got a message back, but it was from his transphobic family. it was some of the most triggering, disgusting, misgendering shit I have ever seen. I have learnt my friend's, my brother's deadname against my will. I feel sick. I am afraid for his safety and I cannot do anything for him. I have been called hysterical for worrying so badly. I want him back.
#vent#im so afraid for him#how could they do this#where is he#where is my friend#sorry for vent post on main but holy fuck.#queer nightmare
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Yo, I don't know if you know this but your work is being posted on Pinterest
I sort of knew but never really cared about it until now-?
-lots of angry feed up whining below... and a bit of a breakdown-
Just a few hours ago I saw the comments on some of them and holy shit tiktok children are some of the most braindead individuals i have ever seen
I'm fine with reposts, and if I wasn't, I know I wouldn't be able to stop them
What's pissing me off rn is that my stuff is getting attention from *that* crowd, the booger eating snot nosed mocosos de mierda who are so privileged their main problems are "what's skrimblo skromblo doing now? omg is it problematic??? omg theyre like so evil 💀💀"
I- they're still fucking going with the Crowriel thing- How cool, how fun, totally not making me want to disappear again bc of all the trauma from that particular mess, nope, not at all
And the angel crowley x demon crowley thing- i swear to fucking god i- they're so dumb- they're so stupid- how is it incest you- they're the same person🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉
I even saw some little shit saying "omg i used to like that artist until i found out they draw nsfw" ... WHAT IS HAPPENIGNJDNGKDBG??????¿?¿¿????¿
I swear I'm going insane, I wish I could take my shit away from those people, they're so-??????
Like I'm legit about to enter another joker era, I can't believe this is what fandom spaces are now, what is wrong with people
Sorry I'm using this as a vent post or whatever but honestly I'm tired of being subservient when it comes to these fucking people, at one point a bitch has gotta explode
"Why do you care so much about what ppl say abt you online"
Because I have Seen what happens when you shut up about it. You either address it indirectly or become tiktoklovr103892's punching bag, there's no in between. Each second of silence is an admission of guilt for these motherfuckers
And I know that at the end of the day it doesn't matter but bro just allow me to be emotional over having an online space where I can have fun and take a break from life, be riddled with people who I've seen talking like they're praying for my downfall
Seriously what the fuck
What. the fuck.
.
Now if you'll excuse me
#rant#vent#i fucking hate what fandom has become#aneh answers#aneh wont shut up#sorry again#this poor anon skgnkdhm
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Hey do your friends have that callout post they wrote for me when I was 17. I’d like to print it out and put it up on my wall but I can’t find it anywhere online. This is jesse
Yo holy fucking shit. I'll be honest, I have no idea how long this has sat in my ask box but to answer your question: I don't know because I'm no longer friends with them. There's a good chance it was deleted for one reason or another because the main guy behind that was fickle as all hell. Uhh anyways I'm sorry you got involved in their bs. For what it's worth I tried to tell him to not contact you or get involved, that whatever shit I was talking was just me venting privately to friends and didn't need to be turned into anything more, but you saw how that went.
#its a long stupid ass story#and ill be honest i kinda forgot why i was mad at you???#i think maybe i was fucking delusional or something idk idk#but yeah. im sorry for whatever shit they said#i promise i didnt ask for that. i tried to tell him “dont message them or make a post or whatever this doesnt need to be a big thing” but#he just loooves conflict he cant go two seconds without being mad at somebody lmao
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So, I kind of got a ask where you exchange hcs with your anons etc
I have nothing against this and I would even love it if you asked my hcs or someone wanted to share them
But I kind of need to talk about this because it really was something that crossed my limit and really made me uncomfortable
Firstly, I'm a man, if you don't know that you know now, so for me it's very difficult to even think about female readers
Not only is it difficult, But this is one of the many reasons I refuse to write about female readers, but the main one will always be that as a writer I also put myself in the reader's position when writing, and how a trans guy putting me in the role of a woman makes me feel so bad that I could throw up from the discomfort
So if you're going to ask me, just try to keep the reader neutral, okay? You can ask me about an Afab reader if it involves topics like this, like pregnancy, etc, but I have never specifically written about a female reader, I will not
Furthermore, what made me even more uncomfortable was that, look, sorry for the bad language, but holy hell, what the fuck was that request?
It was basically about a super short, very innocent and silly reader, also super clumsy, who curiously made everyone fall in love with her and protect her
Man, I feel like I'm watching a 2012 OC about a 13 year old girl who desperately wants to play damsel in distress for Twilight's Edward
I have nothing against people who are really short, a little innocent or clumsy
But I refuse to write a woman (not that I will write a woman anyway) who looks like a porcelain doll because she is so stupid and useless
Do you want to write about women? Write strong women! Women who, even though they are clumsy, laugh about it and don't treat it as trait of seduction, as if being clumsy were sexy
Do you want an innocent woman? Clear! But make her innocent and strong! Where she is innocent because she believes in second chances, that everyone has kindness and things like that, Don't make her so stupid and silly that she looks like a newborn in an adult body!
Want to write a short woman? Don't use this as purely a fetish, use it to show her determination! She overcame bullying and bad jokes, showing that height does not define someone!
Look anon, I'm sorry for not responding, but I genuinely can't see this request being made by anyone over the age of 14, and it's amazing how something so stupid made me uncomfortable
I was ignoring this ask for days, I thought of several ways to deal with this and none of them seem really good
So I made this post because I like to vent here and well, don't worry, no one is forced to read this
If you want to talk about hcs, ideas, scenarios, I'm really free, my ask box is empty and I really want to talk to my followers
So feel free to send an ask to chat and talk about hcs and so on, but seriously, think a little before writing, ok?
My rules haven't been updated yet so many people don't know me well, but resolving this is easy, ASK ME
It's simple: "do you write female reader?" "Do you play female readers?" I don't bite ok? You can ask and I will be polite and kind because no one is my enemy here
Just try to avoid putting me in situations like that because they can be a serious trigger, I'm very sensitive when it comes to some subjects and I don't want it to make me hate people for no reason
I don't think anyone will read this far, but if you did, know that I'm getting organized to reopen the blog, I have almost the entire new design ready
I'm just trying to write some new fanfics so I have content to post to come back in style
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whalefall dnd setting? please tell me more
OK HOLY SHIT. so im very autistic about the ocean and one of my hobbies is getting sad, watching fish documentaries and thinking about how i would stat up a fucking nudibranch or a portuguese man o war as a dnd enemy. which is kind of where the idea for the setting spawned for
right now im calling the setting #benthopelagia, this is the same as the tag i use for posting and for collecting inspiration
basically um so ive drawn a buncha maps of islands andstuff and theres a buncha nations.. yassez is the one ive. yknow. actually populated so far. the other 3 plotrelevant ones are isthmus and polonge (isthmus has claimed territory in polonge and fully occupies yassez). polonge is also at war with geuzi. fontaine has a treaty with geuzin. jicama and selenia are fighting over a strip of coast. danovsk is also fighting jicama over a pass thru the mountains. branthia is waiting on the sidelines ready to do very important Peacekeeping such as Supplying Weapons to insurgent terrorist cells.
>>GEOPOLITICS OVER read from here if u dont caare<<
theres a buncha.. buncha fake religions like cetaceanism (whale), currentism (its like breatharianism but it works bc its for filter feeders), integism (science cult), medusaism (jellyfish), The Really Big Human (a la dark souls gwynevere but an old man) Who Sits Above The Surface And Fishes Out The Cave Fish (only in ohio). i think in cetaceanism magnapinna are like. the devil.
theres a clan of nomadic humanoid orca that believe theyre demigods and run around fucking shit up. theres the shark mob from shark tale around the main coral reef settlement (barriertown/the shelf) called "reefers" who are pulling an hp lovecraft innsmouth on the landlubbers of port saiyon cause they keep coming on to land in order to steal electricity for their weed hydroponics.
theres a couple hydrothermal vents which are culturally the same as oil rigs
OVER TO THE WHALEFALL PART bc thats actually what you asked, theres a whalefall settlement which in a perfect world would be where i would start my players off. its like a small rural industry town thats slowly dying as resources get depleted. heavily cetaceanist but a sect of cetaceanism that think its ok to eat your gods. big whalers guild presence, and basically one quest would be to um. go kill another whale so we can Eat, please.
another quest start ive been ruminating on would be the PCs start on land and get mariners revenge'd to the bottom of the ocean.
theres also like - theres a trench? where there didnt used to be a trench? and people are like. man what the fuck. and in addition to that basically all contact with things on the other side of that trench - the whole opposite hemisphere actually - are just Not Coming, until weeks later they all come at once? so like whats actually happening is the core of the earth is hollow, but the core of that core is incredibly dense and this is called the unsigned (after unsigned integer overflow error. funny joke for me. the unsigned is a concept of integism). and its trying to break out except theres a stitch that it cant break and its called the time stitch cause its fucking with time (sorry this is all very fucking. stupid iv not completed the development of it yet. if u cant tell)
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Redoing this here [sorry for doing it on the main blog] [basically copying and pasting the one I already did but this time im taking it more lightly and also adding stuff 🔥🔥🔥
I am a very stubborn person , one who basically just goes "fuck it we ball" , "do whatever the fuck you want" , is pretty much an hater , and i get really close to people. I also get angry easily , but still somehow manage to keep an "happy go lucky" persona online. Also , I always feel like the world sucks. More specifically, like there are too much bad things to hate , and hating them all and knowing they are happening makes me even more mad. I also have always want to know everything about everyone , and i am almost always seeking out knowladge , even right now. Im also mostly a lurker , due to having a thing about having to keep a "good reputation". I've always wanted to be famous , but just so i could not be forgotten after my death. And I've always thought myself as some sort of attention seeker , which is why [unless present with an anonimous identity] i basically never vent , becouse i know that people have problems worse than mine. Also , due to [as i mentioned earlier] getting really close to people , I've gotten in a lot of toxic friendships , and have only like 5 or 6 true friends. Lately , I've been going through a phase of self reflection. Especially about how I used to act or think in the past. And even about current me. Im very impulsive and uhhh yea i guess thats it 🔥🔥 [btw i am sorry for asking on the main blog but i am not sorry for basically spam liking your posts 🔥] [holy shit i just realized how much of an edgelord i sound]
Prince of Hope
you share a classpect with Eridan ampora.
im not sure how to excuse this assumption of you properly, but as soon as i read your submission the exact thoughts that went through my head were "mind.. rage! HOPE." * so you'll just have to believe me as much as you can muster
Hope revolves around belief, religion, courage, and a black and white view of the world. as a prince of hope you are more afflicted with rage, a powerful aspect that can bring down an entire session
* i thought you'd be a mind player because your wording makes it look like you're concerned with justice, or at least have a strong sense of what you believe is the right thing—but that can better be assigned as hope, the way your beliefs may not seem correct to those around you but you're stubborn in your way
you talk about getting angry easily, don't think i have to break down why that's rage pilled as fuck, but specifically rages description of ‘ a rage player may tear down an entire system if they deem it wrong, and rebuilt it themselves ’ ( highly referenced but not exact quote, cant look it up rn ) really reminded me of you.
If you'd like more closure i suggest looking at Eridan as our prince of hope, this is not my finest most detailed work but I do believe it suits you best, and when a classpect assigner gets a gut feeling you don't question it
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BROOO WHERE ARE YOUUUUU ARE YOU OKK???
I"M WORRIED :((
Hi sorry I haven't been using this blog lately, I've just been mindlessly scrolling through tumblr and reblogging shit to my main blog, didn't even check this one
I'll try to start posting about OM more frequently after the 12th
And yes i'm okay! Thanks for asking! How are yall doing?
Tldr: things are bad and i need to vent:
Things here are a bit insane rn, as in shit is bad. I just came on this blog now because I needed a place to vent and just I'm watching the news rn and I'm fucking livid, it"s a live coverage of what's happening rn and I just???????? I don't think I can put into words how frustrating it is to watch I just have so much to say but I don't even know where to start and I'm sorry for piling all this bs in your ask but holy shit im fuckinh shakinh jfc
Edit
Fuck i think im gonna cry :)))))))))))))
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TW: Going to rant about Christianity for a hot second, fyi. I will be quoting verses. I just don’t want to put this on my main in case the guy I argued with sends his buddies after that account bc I really shouldn’t have argued but I did, so🤷🏻 Call me a chicken for blocking them, but I am already triggered and on edge and I’m not about to make it 20x worse. Religion is sooo fucky for us and I really don’t need to keep surrounding myself in that pile of garbage. Putting a read more bc I definitely get blasphemous and I know some religious trauma folks follow our sys account and could see this AND some Christians follow us there too. (I love you, I know you’re not like the ones that hurt us.) This post is made by Vivian, btw. Duh, it’s my account lol.
Got in an argument on main with a Christian🙄
“My book of fables that I often take as absolute truth and completely out of context despite it being written and mistranslated so many times it’s not funny AND I will only use the parts that will further MY agenda and ignore the rest. So here you go: witches are evil.”
Okay. But you wear cotton blend shirts, I’m sure? And have eaten shrimp?
And man, I sure know that Christians enjoy ritual prostitution! That’s literally considered ritually offensive! (Kings 14:23) Doesn’t stop them though! :))) Because why would it?
Not to mention in Christianity it literally says that the Old Testament, while it should still be considered, should not be followed. Rather, the New Testament should be followed. That’s why Christianity has the New Testament rather than just the Old like Jewish folks.
“But Vivi! The New Testament talks about witches too!”
Yeah, they sure do.
In Revelations 22:15 it says that witches will not receive eternal life. (Which…why the fuck would they care about the Christian eternal life anyway lmfao) “Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.”
Weird, I sure know a lot of Christians who fall under that category^^ And yet they still preach and use their religion to get what they want. Fucking disgusting!
And this is not bashing on every single Christian ever, there are a lot of good Christians that don’t use their religion to push their own agenda, but it’s just so gross to see these people on tumblr of all places, especially since they tagged their original post as witchcraft rather than fucking Christian tags. Like I’m sorry I don’t wanna see that on my dash, you’re not going to magically convert me by calling me a heathen and saying I’m going to hell and that I have daddy issues.🙄 Get a grip on your fucking ego holy shit.
I can cherry-pick verses too. Easy peasy. We studied the Bible obsessively for years. Then we realized how fucked it all was and how much hatefulness comes from people misusing it. No thank you.
Gonna try to tag the religious trauma tags and tw tags but I’m turning off reblogs in case any assholes try to clown on this vent post.
-Vivi
#religion tw#religious tw#religious trauma tw#personal post#vivian#🦷#gonna avoid the x tian tags as much as possible because I don’t want to get shit on here either#do not interact#likes okay I don’t want comments though#this is a rant and a vent through and through
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Hey man I’m sorry to ask (and vent) this, please feel free to ignore. Do you have any tips with how to deal with people not taking trans men’s issues seriously? It’s exhausting as fuck to be shat on by people who should be supportive. I find myself afraid to bring up my issues even among other trans men since so many of them seem to believe the main narrative being passed around about us. I know terfs aren’t actually helpful or friendly to us… but it’s honestly hard not to lurk there sometimes. because they are some of the only people actually acknowledging our issues. I don’t want to look at their stuff, but honestly some of it has been more supportive than most stuff i see from the trans community at large. Like why am I not allowed to talk about how transphobia and misogyny intersecting impacts me as a trans man? I don’t understand why people are so hostile about it. It shouldn’t be a hot take that anyone assigned female at birth is an intended target of misogyny (along with anyone who is perceived as a woman, not trying to be bio essentialist sorry I’m jumbled rn) I’d never side with or believe them (terfs) but it’s hard to have the majority of my community think people like me are oh so privileged for my gender when in reality anything that affects women oppression wise has impacted me as well, either in the past or current (such as medical and legal misogyny). Luckily I’m strong enough to know that terfs don’t actually care for me and would attempt to groom me into detransing. But holy shit how do people not see that this will push some vulnerable trans men in a radfem direction? How can I bring our intersection of misogyny and transphobia up in a way that won’t make people hate me for it? I just want someone to believe me when I say that these things impact me, without making it a pissing content.
Ho boy, I had to pause and read and reread this for a while but... this hits deep - that frustration of people never taking you, your identity, your struggles seriously... I've had that my entire life.
I've found that people who don't want to listen and just want to feel self-righteous won't ever listen to reason. And I think that's the toughest thing to get over, at least right now. I believe that this anti-transmasc flare is going to fade one day, but I really would like to explain my train of thought when my frustration overwhelms me.
I believe this transandrophobic wave, much like the biphobic, aphobic, panphobic waves, will one day fade into the background instead of being the Brand New Discourse. This is because the arguments against us are word-by-word the same as Ace DiscourseTM (i hate to call it that but it's a way for me to be understood).
If indeed this is a WaveTM, then the best thing you can do is keep being present, keep fighting, keep being loud and proud of being transmasculine. Let people know that you're here to stay.
Do not seek fucking discourse. It will do you no good. Defend yourself if needed, but block people liberally and curate your dash and internet experience, instead of seeking Baeddels or transandrophobes calling us hysterical women.
The goal here is to exist. To resist. To persist. We need to stay as a cohesive group, a COMMUNITY, one that has different experiences and allows different people to speak up on what transandrophobia has done to us.
If we persist as a community, we've won.
They want us gone. They want to do to us what they've done to the ace community. They want our flags, our queerness, our openness, our lives to be erased from the internet so years down the line, transmasculine people believe we have no community.
Well I fucking refuse. And you should, too.
The best you can do is exist. And happily so. Do your best to post funny little memes and some theory and vent about your life (with proper tags) WHILE blocking any fuckwad who tells you your masculinity is not intrinsic to your transness.
Please, stay. Stay alive and stay awake. Stay free and stay happy among us. Because with that, we can beat these radfems. We can beat the cycle of erasure and hatred.
I believe in us. And I believe in you, anon.
(I also want to thank people like @vaspider and @nothorses for being still active, still here, still wonderfully present when I was ready to give up. They both inspire me so much.)
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new year’s eve thoughts
hi. so, i have a habit of getting incredibly emotional on new year’s eve. meaning, i’m probably going to attempt to circumvent an abrupt hypomanic-depressive episode by sleeping very early tonight. so, i guess this means that i should write out my general thoughts now, because i did want to do that.
i’ll keep it short, because i’d really hate to put this under the cut, i’m very bad about, ah, holding back but also expressing myself effectively? so, mm.
well, let’s start off with this: 2020 was a shitty year. for everyone. it’s no surprise that it was a horrid year for myself, then. i went through a lot of emotional distress this year, things that i wouldn’t want to get into on main, but let’s just say that i’ve entered a journey of self discovery, resulting in several new diagnoses and realizations that have brought me to a place of very, very bad mental health. my physical health wasn’t fantastic-- it’s all the damn “ionizing” jokes i make, isn’t it-- and, thing is. that’s going to carry into 2021.
that is how days work.
but. but. i didn’t come here to talk about the shitty parts of it. because like, that’s not really what i do, here. not what i try to do, anyway. i actually wanted to talk about the really lovely parts of it?
2020 was, for all intents and purposes, the year i really got into the dr fandom. i’ve been writing since june 2019, but i met my first fandom friend in october 2019 (depending on how you want to assign the date, here), and i made a /lot/ of my online friends in march-april 2020. in this period of time, i was at one of my lowest points-- i was losing grasp of reality, i had lost many friends, i was in the throes of one of the worst depressive episodes in my life.
but, spoiler alert: i got through that. and i met so, so many incredible people. most of my best friends, i met during that period of time. being in the fandom, as trivial and stupid as it sounds, gave me a place to talk about my writing. gave me a hobby. fuck it, it gave me friends. and i don’t make friends easily-- i come off as very friendly, because that’s kind of just how i present, but i’m not the most social person out there. i’m reserved, and i struggle in relationships of any kind. so making friends? not being alone anymore? that was kind of a huge fucking deal to me.
and like. july 2020, i made a tumblr account. on impulse. and, holy shit. that was one of the best impulse decisions i’ve ever made, tied with trespassing because that was just funny.
i met more people. i was able to learn a lot of shit. i didn’t have to exist in the bubble that i have in real life-- which, aside from a few good friends, is not very good. i just. i had a Place to Be. to make people happy! to share my writing, to hear thoughts. a place that felt stable even when every part of myself wasn’t.
i need to humble tumblr, though, so i’ll call it a piece of shit for the joke here.
anyway. i just. this is a thank you post, that’s what i was trying to get at. i already reached out to a lot of people (not all my friends because holy shit my spoons ran out fast) to say this, but. thank you. thank you, thank you, thank you so fucking much.
for giving me a chance. for letting me vent, or rant, or talk about whatever. for reading my writing and not hating it. for just existing on a screen, or- or just Being there. and this sounds so fucking stupid, but i just. sorry, i don’t want to get overly personal on main, but i just. i was so fucking lonely. and i’m not lonely anymore. and i’m tearing up now because holy shit, i’m pretty fucking sure i thought i would be dead, back in april. and i’m not! and i’m not. and i’m so fucking glad i’m not.
i just. that’s it, really. thank you all. i fucking love you guys so much, and i just. i can’t repay you for this shit, so i’ll just. keep existing, yeah? i think that’s pretty sexy of me, personally, and. okay well my friend just fucking gifted me nitro so now i’m going to spam crying cats everywhere, but. yeah i just. i just wanted to say that.
thank you. so fucking much. to my best friends (i have irls following me, you know who you are), both in real life and online (you know who you are and i fucking love you), to my friends and my mutuals and just. everyone. thank you.
thank you.
happy end of 2020. see you in 2021.
love, sun.
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I got tagged by @faceless-dude for smth. And like. All I want to say is that you so much. Cuz I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for months and I didn’t know when would be a good time to post it. Or like update it or like just when I should do anything with it. So yeah. Thank you so much for helping me get the chance to post this :)))
“I’ve had this in my drafts for some time now probably since the Canadian thanksgiving and like only touched on it a few times, and well I never got to post it cuz I got well uuuhhh... shy I guess and at that time a lot of things were going down and stuff. And because of that I just felt like it had no meaning whatsoever anymore. So I thought I’d edit it a bit so it fits better and so I can finally post it and stuff.... sometimes it’s nice to get something out there after having it written down for so long. And well what better time to post it than now XD on New Years!. Anyways here it goes”
Hey guys, friends especially, ITS A NEW YEAR!!!!!! I just wanted to pop in and say that...well...thank you. And while I don’t really mean this directly to anyone so far (details for ppl that I know on this app will be written later on in this post). I know it’s usually super cheesy and just cringe and stuff but I honestly couldn’t care less about that stuff when it comes to the people close to me and to the people I love and care about. So I would like to take this opportunity to thank y’all. First and foremost. What the actual fuck guys. Why lmao. Out of everyone in this world you bunch picked the weirdest, ugliest and just straight up stupidest dude out there to be friends with XD, y’all do know there was much better than this out there right XD. I legit have no competition since I’m just so bad LOL. But still, for some reason, with all the shit I just listed y’all still decided it was a good idea to be friends with me. Y’all still decided it would be a great idea to stick with me up until now. Y’all still decided that I could belong with other people that I could fit it with you guys. That I could.... have genuine, real and just straight up amazing friends. I have absolutely no fucking clue how this turn of events happened. But I can say this with full certainty. You guys have changed my life. You guys are probably the main reason I’m still kicking around to this day lol. You guys are the reason I keep going and keep living and just keep enjoying the tiny gifts that life has to offer sometimes instead of pain XD. I still don’t and probably will never understand why or how god or life decided to be nice to me the few times I met one of you but I’m honestly so eternally grateful that I just... I have no words almost.... I just don’t know what to say sometimes. It’s honestly so out of this world how amazing and nice some of you are even tho I’m like the complete trash of this world XD. In all honesty.... without you guys I’d probably not even be here lmao... I’d probably would’ve just went on with my life with nothing to wish or hope for other than for the next day to pass even quicker than the last.... or just for days to just over as soon as they start... I won’t say more cuz that’s shit is personal and I’m not about to write that in public 😎. But like I know for sure that without you guys. I would not be here right now. So thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all the memories you’ve given me, the countless nights you’ve made me die of laughter, The countless times you’ve made me choke and almost die from how funny something would be, the countless times you’ve made me think “damn I don’t ever want to wake up from this dream if this is not real”. Just thank you, for talking to me, for letting me vent, for letting me be there for you when you were there for me, for being my rock to lean on, for helping me go through the toughest of times like if it was a normal day. Thank you guys so much for treating me like an equal, for being friends with me, for playing with me, for inspiring me, for teaching me new things and helping me with anything I could ever ask for. Thank you guys so much, and while words will never be able to fully explain what I fully mean or what I fully feel. But I hope that this at least will give you an idea of how greatfull I am for you guys... i hope this will show you how thankful I am for you guys. I love you guys so much that the word love just can’t even express how much you guys truly mean to me. You guys have changed my life for the better and even tho I will probably never be able to repay that I’m hoping that I can do something to at least return how much y’all have done for me. And even tho a lot of the people I mean by this message are not on Tumblr I have a few that are and it is for that reason that I will thank you and write something for you guys here too. So here is the part for the specific people.
@frogb, Genny :)
Genny :D
GENNYYYYY >:D
Good God..... how are you even real XD well to start off, a quick intro :).... probably my only irl friend that is actually active on this app and of course MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER IN THE WORLD AND THE #1 PERSON IN MY LIFE >:), I want to take this opportunity to just thank you again (I know I’ve said a a bunch of times and you probably hate me for saying it a lot XD, that along with sorry :(((( I can’t really control that Lmao but I’m getting better at it right :D). You....you’re my best friend :)... you have changed my life for the better way too many times cuz. I’ve honestly lost count dude. I’ve lost count. I just want you to know that even tho I said that the first thing I wrote on this post was meant for a bunch of people. I was really mainly thinking about you when I wrote it. Ever since you’ve been part of my life. You have made sure to change it completely. And only for the good and for the better. I don’t think you have a genuine idea of how much you’ve changed my life and how much you’ve made me happy :)... thank you Genny thank you so much for being the best thing to ever happen to me. Genny you truly are the best most amazing, kindest, nicest, loveliest, most wonderful, most talented person I’ve ever met. Look I won’t write my full thing here since...well I’ll say the rest to you directly. But well .. Genny... I love you... I love you so fucking much alright :D thank you for being the highlight of my life. Thank you for being you Genny and thank you for being here for me and just being my best friend in the world :)
@ritsu-in-a-maid-dress , heyyy duuuudee buddy chum buddy pal XD (don’t ask lmao), I know we like met only a few weeks ago actually idk maybe at the point when I actually decide to post this it’ll be months or like a year 😳 (and if it is HOLY SHIT WTF I HOPE I ACTUALLY TOLD YOU SOMETHING IN THAT TIME CUZ DAMN) and well so far, you have been nothing but an amazing, way too nice, handsome friend that has somehow probably one of the sweetest hearts out there. You’re actually so fucking funny and have made my day much better sometimes just from the very few talked we’ve had lmao (correction now it’s actually been quite a few 😳and honestly they’re getting to much better and funnier so thank you so much for making me laugh :D (oh and I will never forget that one call we had for 3 FUCKING HOURS DUDE!!!! THAT WAS AWSOME!!!) ) and while at first I was very shy to even talk to you. I’m happy that I can comfortably say hi without any regrets or anything lmao. I will tell you something I’m very thankful for in dm too cuz it’s kinda private :) so yeah.... thank you so much for being you and being my friend :D
@quellfy yoooooo duuuudde I don’t think we’ve ever really interacted on here but I’ve talked to you on the server and well I can know from there that. You’re just such an amazing and kind person. And that every time we talk I have a great time :)) I don’t know a lot about you but I do know that you’re an amazing artist who has amazing art (yes even when it’s not sad “pointing at alluka in snow drawing” amazing) and that you’re such a kind and I nice human being who’s been just super nice and good to me :)) so thank you. For being my friend and for being such an amazing human being :D
@faceless-dude yooooo I don’t think we’ve properly talked before but like :))) I really think you’re an amazing person and just super talented. Your art is something I’ve never seen before and I really really think it’s unique and just amazing. Thank you for your wonderful wishes. And yeah dw. I plan on keeping that promise >:) Gen will get her booties kicked just like you asked XD
@kur-upira we probably only interacted a few times. But in those few times. I could tell what kind of person you are and how much of an amazing person you are :D. I can tell you that just from those few times. I was able to see how much of a beautiful, talented (yes holy shit. I cannot stress this enough. I love your artstyle and good god it’s so good everything from the actual drawings to the shading to the colouring. It’s amazing dude. I really mean that. It’s one of the most unique and most beautiful artstyles I’ve ever seen), friendly and just amazing human being you are :))) thank you for those few interaction (which probably took me whole days to respond to because of anxiety and bs XD sorry about that lmao) and yeah. I would absolutely love to get to know you better and to interact more with each other :D
@starrynarwhale, I know we like pretty much only interacted like twice with each other but from those few times. I knew that you were a wonderful person :) not just an amazing person. But a very talented one too :D (your art is amazing dude. It’s really great. Not only that but like. Can I just say that. Your frog gon fridays are godly dude. They’re always so fucking cool and wholesome 🥺🥺I love them so much. Amazing) you seem like a very kind and amazing person so yeah :)) I’d love to get to know you better :D
@catboyyouko yooooo. I know we probably have only interacted once but let me tell you dude. You’re a wonderful, amazing, nice, kind and extremely talented human being. (Dude you don’t understand. Your art is fucking amazing. Not only that but your comics are so goddamn great too. Not just in an art way but in a story way too. It’s just always so amazing) oh and also like... I see that you vent a lot and stuff and just wanted to let you know that if you ever needed someone to talk to or vent to. I’m here for you. I feel like you’re such an amazing person and I would love to get to know you better :) so yeah. If you ever need anyone to talk to. I’m here alright :)
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. I LOVE YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH
And if I didn’t @ you I promise It’s just cuz I’m too scared to bother you and @ Ing this many ppl has already made my anxiety skyrocket.
#sorry for @ing so many of you#I love you all so much#and I hope to get to know all of you better if I don’t already :)#thank you all for being part of my life#and for making my life so great
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i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.
posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.
tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment
i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me
this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years.
i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.
i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.
this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115.
my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous.
my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240.
so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die
i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115.
i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes
and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.
which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.
something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already.
it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.
it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway.
i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.
like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.
#sorry i've been crying all day over the last thing#daelin speaks#body dysmorphia //#tw body dysmorphia#tw body image#body image //#eating disorder //#tw eating disorder#ocd //#tw ocd#tw depression#depression //#tw self harm mention#self harm mention //#tw anxiety#anxiety //#tw suicide#suicide //
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WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN AN OLD PEOPLE'S APARTMENT BUILDING
Holy shit, I haven't even been living in here for two months, and I'm going to be living here for at least another five. All I want to do here is make myself bedridden because that's the only thing that can go okay.
Before I get into this, I would like to say this for context: My dad decided that the pandemic was the best time to sell the house that I grew up in, and so he did. He wanted my two siblings and me to live with him in this apartment building meant for the elderly, but four people can't fit in an apartment for two. So we tried getting a double for my sister and me, but there weren't any available. The only available space was the common room that was being unused because of the pandemic. So that's where we're living.
THOUGH ADVICE IS HELPFUL, THIS POST IS MOSTLY FOR VENTING!
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T TELL US TO GET A JOB OR GET A DIFFERENT APARTMENT OR ASK WHERE MOM IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW OUR SITUATION, AND THIS IS ONLY A SMALL PORTION OF THE PROBLEM WE'VE BEEN PUT IN!
Now that that's out of the way, these are the problems that have occurred thus far:
1. Old people trying to break in.
I swear to God, the next time a Boomer with dementia tries to break in the room, I'm going to flip my shit.
Just today, there was an old lady who tried to break in THREE times. She got in successfully once because we had to leave the door unlocked for the workers to get in and try to fix the problems we were having with the pipe. The first thing she did was TAKE OFF HER MASK! The second thing she did was ask if there were other people in here, and my sister and I said, "No, we live here now." And then, she nearly brought herself to tears over her story of how she likes the piano and her father was a professional pianist, and that she misses the people. And we had to say, "Sorry, but we live here now" and send her on her way. Because we live here now. So then she leaves and we lock the door.
If we had left the piano open, or if she noticed the keyboard behind me, she NEVER would have left!
NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES LATER, she returns to our door and tries to unlock the door with her keys!
We've told the owner multiple times about this since people try to break in almost every day, but the problem is that no matter how many times he tells all the old people that we live here, there will always be at least one person that forgets and tries to break in, and there's nothing we can do about it.
Also, as I was writing this post, someone else tried to break in (or maybe it was the same person trying to break in) YET AGAIN!
And then after my siblings and I had dinner, someone tried the handle on the doorknob FOUR SEPARATE TIMES! With a total of NINE TIMES that this has happened in one day, it has been a new personal record. Usually, it has only been once or twice a day.
2. AC problems
Bugs can easily get in the building through the vents when the AC is turned off. One time, a wasp got in here.
The filters only get replaced once a year. As far as I know from previously living in a home with an HVAC system, the filters are supposed to be replaced every 1 to 3 months.
You can't put things up against or near the vents, otherwise problems will occur.
The AC has leaked before. Thankfully, there were little to no damages, but now I'm afraid to leave it on for long periods of time.
3. THE MAIN PIPE OF THE BUILDING IS EXTREMELY CLOGGED, and it just so happens that the young folks here are the ones to notice something going on.
When we first moved in, we noticed a puddle of dirty water coming up from the bathtub drain, and we didn’t know where it was coming from or why it was happening. So we called someone in to examine it, and all he said was that they knew of this problem but didn’t want to do anything to fix it. So we had to accept that this was a problem that couldn’t be fixed (or that the owner didn’t want to fix it).
From then on, we assumed that the water came from one of our neighbors. We tried ways to bypass this issue while we were taking a shower, such as leaving the drain closed, and letting the water from the shower fill up the tub a bit before opening the drain. However, there was still dirty water coming up at times, and we don’t know why.
LAST NIGHT, however, we heard a strange bubble coming from the kitchen sink, and it turned out that the dirty water that would usually come up in the bathtub WAS FILLING UP THE SINK! So we had to call someone about this, and they came in this morning to check it out. They tried using a plunger in the sink, but more water kept coming up the garbage disposal. That’s when they realized that THE WHOLE PLUMBING SYSTEM IN THE BUILDING WAS CLOGGED! THE MAIN PIPE WAS CLOGGED! So now they have to figure out how to unclog the main pipe. That will be an update for a later time.
Update: apparently, this exact same problem happened a few years ago! This clearly shows how fucked-up the plumbing system is in this building - that the MAIN pipe of the building gets clogged EVERY FEW YEARS!
Update 2: The sink bubbled up again and now has more water in it.
4. The owner is shady as fuck.
The owner of the building is the original owner’s grandson. Ok, cool, he got a family business going. That’s cool and all, but why does his personality creep me out so much?
When he first met me, he thought that I was the mom, that I was the one running the show. But I’m not the mom, and I’m not even the one “running the show”. He knows full well that my dad was the one who decided to make my siblings and me live in a Boomer building, and my sister (bless her soul) is the one who is taking care of my brother and me (but it’s not like my dad will ever acknowledge that).
The way he talks is very strange, too, as if he’s trying to coo force me to be comfortable. And he blows me kisses too, like wtf? I understand doing that to your grandson, but doing that to a stranger, let alone a grown-ass adult is creepy.
He also has immigrant workers, which is not inherently bad, but on the day we were moving in, he showed my dad a text of one of the workers being deported back to the Dominican Republic. So either the immigrant workers are there undocumented or they did have a Visa or green card that expired and the owner didn’t let them renew their Visa/green card. If it’s the latter, then holy shit that’s fucked up. Also, I wonder how well they’re being treated in general when they’re working, or how much they get paid compared to other non-immigrant workers (oh wait, they can’t figure that out because we live in a culture that refuses to let their workers talk about their salaries in fear of demanding better wages, whoops).
5. The Wifi breaks every so often.
It’s not as big of a deal as the others on here, but it is annoying.
There’s constantly been construction going on in the street adjacent to the apartment building, and one time the cable got cut out. It took a few hours for the problem to be fixed.
It’ll be more annoying if the Wifi breaks while I’m trying to attend classes on Zoom or doing homework.
6. Other general bug problems
The bugs that my sister and I get are mostly mosquitoes, gnats, and other flies. In my dad’s apartment, where my brother sleeps, there are big black beetles everywhere! We don’t know if they’re cockroaches or not, but he gets many of them flying and crawling in his room every night, and he has to lose hours upon hours of sleep whacking these bugs with a fly swatter until they’re dead. And once he kills one, another starts flying around. We have no idea where these ones are coming from either.
In conclusion, this apartment building is very problematic, and the only reason why other people haven’t complained about the problems of this building is that they’re old and are less likely to notice or care about these problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if the walls have asbestos in them. Unfortunately, I have to be stuck here for at least another five months, maybe more if this pandemic rages on for decades (thanks in no part to the government - oh, whoops, I’m not supposed to say that, lol).
If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading this post. Again, this post was mostly for venting, but some helpful advice on how to get out of this situation (or at least not feel like I’m suffering so much) would be appreciated.
If you’re living in a similar situation as I am, I do have one piece of advice for you - don’t go to Quora and anonymously ask questions. They WILL bully you.
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okay I’ve realized that ranting about my personal thoughts as a goy on the tags of post before this is insensitive as hell, cause it’s not about me. I'm sorry about that, I still need to vent a little about realizing that a hero of mine said such horrible things so recently so yeah
why is everyone so bad all the time holy fucking shit
everyone. fucking. everyone is bad. every musician is a fucked up piece of shit. and as someone who uses music so heavily as my main coping mechanism.....it hits me so hard every single time.
just fucking...be nice?? be decent???? be normal????? what the fuck it’s not that fucking hard to not be racist or antisemitic or ab-se anyone like what the fuck
Not to be like “Cavetown saved me” but I listen to one of his songs like. Every day. I literally don’t relate more strongly and feel more represented by any song than Home. I know that’s the one everyone relates to, I don’t care, there’s a reason and that’s because it’s relatable. This sounds stupid but some of his lyrics are like mantras to me; I’ll listen to certain lines on repeat or scribble them down on drawings or just play them back in my head.
Anyways none of that matters because he made antisemitic jokes in fucking 2016. That’s so goddamn recent. Christ...Was that the year I met him? I thought he was the kindest beacon of light in the fucking world, I thought he was so good. How did I not know until now?
I’ll never accept his apology...Maybe he’ll change, maybe he already has. I don’t know what to think or do.
Should I even listen to his music anymore? Will I even be able to? Or will I think about this? I was going to make so much art inspired by his work, I’ve been planning it all for years...Do I even want to make something based off of a song that’s been tainted by these fucking things he’s said?? God, it’s disgusting. I don’t know if his songs will ever get me through another mental breakdown again. That’s not what matters, what matters more is the mental breakdowns and distress he caused Jewish people. And I know it’s selfish for me to have such a personal dilemma about it, but I just can’t help it.
Why can’t anyone be good? Just be good. It’s fucking easy. It’s so sooooo fucking easy. What the fuck
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A Bird’s Game [Bucky x Reader] Oneshot
Summary: Bucky thinks you deserve to have a break, but your stubborn ass refuses. What else can he do besides make a bet?
Warnings/Themes: Profanity and goddamn fluff
Author’s Note: Just a quick little word blurb I did because why not? Has not been checked for fluency/errors.
Last Chapter
Buy me a Ko-fi?
-
One thing about being an Avenger that no one tells you about: there was a shit-ton of paperwork after every mission, and whoever took part in that mission had to fill it all out.
If you knew that reports were a part of the package, you never would have agreed. Saving lives was great and all, but was it worth it?
You sit at your desk, one hand scribbling away while the other holding your head up.
“February 23rd….Leipzig, Germany….Base 459….” you murmur to yourself, hoping that you’ll stay awake by being vocal.
When a hand suddenly claps your shoulder, all drowsiness is thrown out the window. You nearly fall off the chair, screaming bloody murder.
When you turn around, you see a smug Bucky Barnes, clad in low-hanging sweats and a tight black t-shirt. You realize you’ve been staring, and you lower your head in embarrassment. If he caught you, he doesn’t say anything.
“What the fuck, Barnes? Don’t you know better than to sneak up on people post-mission?” you ask, dragging a hand over your face tiredly.
“Take a break, Sweetheart,” he suggests, holding the back of your chair and leaning in.
“I already did. I need to get this done.”
“A shower isn’t a break. It’s mandatory,” Bucky scoffs. “Come downstairs for a movie or something. That isn’t due until tomorrow night.”
“Ugh, no. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I can just do nothing.”
He pouts childishly, tilting his head to the side like a goddamn puppy. “What am I gonna do with the bowl of popcorn I made and the two glasses of wine I poured out?”
“You’re a supersoldier with super metabolism,” you roll your eyes, swiveling back around. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
Just before your pen touches the carbon copy, Bucky yanks your chair back, causing you to yelp once more. “Holy shit, I’m going to stab you.”
“It’s been 5 hours, [Y/N]. Just give yourself a little rest before you die here from exhaustion.”
“You’re relentless,” you groan, to which he smiles sheepishly at.
You’re not entirely sure when or how your friendship formed with the man. In fact, knowing how stand-offish he was at first, you didn’t think you’d ever interact with him. Yet, here you are a year later. People even say you two were attached at the hip with how well you knew each other. You were pretty sure you were harboring a massive crush on him too, but that’s a detail you won’t let slip.
Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off in your head and you hum in thought. “Tell ya what, let’s have a race.”
His eyebrows shoot up eagerly at the promise of getting you out of this dreadful room. “Terms and conditions?”
“If I win, I can go back to doing this boring office job shit without you scaring the daylights outta me.”
He grins. “And if I win, you have to come watch Haunting of Hill House with me because I’m a bitch baby and I can supervise to make sure you’re relaxing.”
“Watching a horror show is hardly relaxing,” you mutter. When he gives you a simple shrug, you hop onto your feet and cross your arms over your chest. “Okay. We finish at the front entrance. No elevators allowed.”
He waits at your door and trying to get a fair start, you squeeze in beside him. It was a fairly wide entrance but holy shit were Bucky’s shoulders wide. He chuckles in amusement as you elbow him in the side to make room. “We could’ve started out in the hall.”
“Fuck you Barnes, I race however I want.” You won’t admit that it was an excuse to be so close to him.
“The mouth on this one,” he teases. “Whenever you’re ready.”
“Three….two….one --”
Bucky bolts ahead, shoving you back lightly with his metal arm for the extra time.
You sputter in shock and chase after him. “You’re a coward, Barnes!”
He snickers, heading for the stairs. “Can’t take chances! You didn’t say anything about cheating!”
“Hello, what?! It’s fucking inferred you don’t cheat!”
“Sorry, suddenly I can’t hear,” Bucky states, throwing open the door. He sends you one quick glance, smirking as you spring toward him. “See you at the bottom, Doll.”
As soon as the door shuts, you slow to a stop. You definitely cannot outrun a supersoldier. His stamina was too high. What the hell were you thinking?
Looking around, you stop at the nearest air-vent and smirk.
If he was gonna play dirty, so were you.
Pulling out the grate, you dive right in, thanking the heavens that these tunnels were huge.
It’s cold in here, but it’s worth it. You’ve already managed to jump down two levels, and hanging out with Clint gave you the benefit of navigating this maze.
“It’s kinda funny how she thinks she can beat me. It’s cute.”
You freeze and backtrack to the nearest grate. Down below, you can see the meeting room. Bucky leans against the table, sipping a cup of coffee and talking to Steve, who shakes his head in amusement.
How the fuck did he make it down here so fast?
Your eyebrows furrow before turning back towards the tunnels and crawling as fast as you can to the next drop. Whatever, if he was gonna fool around, he was getting left behind. You can’t wait to see his smirk drop when you beat him.
Two more drops, Six more to go. You crawl past a crawl-space and jump at the sound of shuffling, slamming your head against the top. Groaning in pain, you rub it. Tears prick the corner of your eyes. “Oh, what the hell?”
“Oh hey, Twinkle Toes,” Clint calls out from the space, holding up his half-eaten chocolate bar. “How’s it hanging?”
“Clint, what are you doing?” you mutter in annoyance.
“Excuse me, you’re in my domain,” he states. He feigns a tough demeanor, pointing an accusing finger. “And don’t you forget it.” When you roll your eyes, he breaks, grinning from ear to ear. “I’m hiding from Sam.”
“Another prank?”
“Maybe…..anyway, what are YOU doing since you wanna be nosey?”
You jerk your head towards the other end of the tunnel. “Racing Barnes.”
“Oh, you slick cheater.”
“He cheated first!”
Clint for a moment turns toward the grate he’d been leaning on. It faces out into the hallway of Tony’s lab. “Well, you better cheat more, your boy’s running faster than Usain Bolt.” Just as he speaks, Bucky charges past like a bull, barely breaking a sweat.
“Shit!” You continue on, yelling down the vent on the way out. “Bye Clint!”
“They grow up so fast,” you hear him say as you hop down another level.
Level five was an office floor and you’re utterly confused to hear Bucky chatting away with yet another person. You peer out a grate to find him beet-red. He stops to help a lady pick up a stack of papers she dropped.
“I’m so sorry,” he winces. “I didn’t see you.”
As she laughs and brushes him off, you snicker to yourself. He may have been quick and tough, but he was clumsy as hell.
“I’m uhh...racing.”
“In -- across the tower? No offense, but who’re you racing exactly?” she asks, pointing behind him.
“She’s failing miserably,” he shrugs. “She’ll be down any minute. Anyway, I gotta go!” You watch as he nearly runs into her again but misses her by a hair. He must really be unaware of how big he is.
Level four and you’re surprised to not hear nor see Bucky. It was the gym and it was an easy sprint across the mats considering how empty it was.
Level three and also no Bucky. You were beginning to grow suspicious. He had definitely gone down the stairs when you passed by two drops ago. Was he just dicking around on the staircase?
You can’t help but screech to a halt in the middle of level two. You hear the drumming of metal on metal and when you look out, you see Bucky tapping his fingers against the kitchen island, reading a page out of the newspapers.
“How the fu--” You clap your hands over your mouth and pull back when you notice him glance up.
After calming your beating heart, you peer back out only to find him gone again, the papers left on the table.
He was so fucking with you.
Hoping he doesn’t reach the bottom of the steps, you finally hop down to the first level.
He steps out the door and freezes and you observe as he looks around curiously.
Probably trying to find a way to parkour to the end, you think.
Well, while he thinks, you waste no time. You pry open a grate that leads you behind the main desk.
The attendant, Wyatt, gives you one deadpanned look before turning back around as if he saw nothing. He’s used to superheroes flying downstairs or walking through walls. An air vent? Just an average day.
You give throw him a grin before running straight to the front door.
Looking around, you realize that Bucky isn’t anywhere near it.
You fist pump the air, clearly proud of yourself.
But something was off.
Knowing Bucky, he should be here any second, but it’s been quite a few minutes. You look around, clearly unable to find him in the sea of the bustling crowd.
You wonder if he was still back at the stairs or if he just ditched you down here.
Only one way to find out.
You give Wyatt a lock-and-key motion over your mouth and he returns it without an ounce of enthusiasm. Clambering back up the vent, you start crawling to the middle only to come face to face with Bucky Barnes.
For the second time today, your soul leaves your body and you screech in surprise. “BUCKY HOLY FUCK”
“I haven’t had sex in a while, I don’t know if it’s THAT good.” His grin is cocky but he looks absolutely ridiculous in these tunnels with how large he is. “Anyways, hi! I was waiting for you at the front but you took a while so I decided to wait here instead.”
“There’s no way.”
He struggles to pull out his phone from his back pocket. When he does, he unlocks it and a video of him pops up, waiting around at the exit with a bored look on his face. The timestamp confirms that it was indeed today, not too long ago. You’re sure Bucky knows little-to-none when it came to video-editing or photoshop.
“Okay, please tell me how the hell you managed that when I had my eye on you from the vents?!” You glare daggers. “And how did you know I was here?”
“DId you really have your eyes on me? The entire time? Doubt it,” he says. His eyes glint with mischief. “And you’re not very quiet up here. I heard you yell at Barton.”
“I’m a failure,” you grumble dramatically.
“Yes you are, now let’s go. My popcorn’s goin’ stale.”
Bucky drops down first, catching you easily in arms and allowing you to climb around him like a monkey until he’s carrying you on his back.
“I still have no idea how you got down here before me.”
“Baby, I’m just that fast,” he hums in amusement.
On the way up the elevator, he silently thanks his ability to jump down two flights of stairs at a time without breaking his ankles.
#bucky barnes#james bucky barnes#james buchanan barnes#white wolf#bucky x reader#bucky barnes x reader#reader insert#the winter soldier#the winter soldier x reader#the avengers#mcu#marvel#oneshot#fanfic#writing#wolf writes#fluff
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About Page!
Hello~! Thank you so much for visiting my blog! My name is Koya, I’m 25, I’m pansexual, my pronouns are she/her, and I’m a full time freelance artist! My main blog is @koyakyuuun, so I’ll be liking and following from there!
Below are some guidelines for those who are curious to know more about this blog and what to expect from it, as well as some general info and FAQs!
Content Guidelines!
The focus of this blog!
So this blog is a mish mash of a couple different themes, but above all it is an adult oriented Invader Zim fan blog!! I grew up with the show and and was a BIG fan during highschool, and after rediscovering it this year I have been DAZZLED and DELIGHTED by the fan content being produced today!! I have a deeply nostalgic yet completely new perspective on the show now that I’m in my 20s, so alongside of celebrating iz content and fan content in general, this blog will center around my niche fave: the iz cast + millennial culture! in other words, the characters depicted as if they lived in the real world and aged in real time! I loved and related to the characters as a kid, and I still love them dearly to this day, so to see people experiment with character interpretations and create adult versions of them means I can still relate to them even now, and even make my own versions! and as a queer neurodivergent millennial who loves niche culture, my favorite versions of the characters are queer neurodivergent millennials who love niche culture!! (and by niche culture I mean MEMES, AESTHETICS, BAD FASHION, GAY CULTURE, CRYPTID CULTURE, DARK CORNERS OF THE INTERNET, CREATIVELY WEIRD SELF EXPRESSION ETC!!)
And of course the other main theme which fits into the first: ZADR! while I don’t ship Zim and Dib as they’re canonically presented in the show, I DO adore the idea of the two growing up together, eventually becoming friends, and eventually falling in love. I’m a Big Gay and I love romance and lgbt content, and ZADR holds such a soft place in my heart 😭 I wrote a big post about why I love it so much which you can see here if you’re curious about my interpretation of the ship!
And now, some guidelines!!
Things I enjoy and will be posting/reblogging!
- general IZ content! because holy SHIT I love the show and ALL the content the fandom creates is awe inspiring and amazing!!!
- millennial culture/humor! I FUCKING LOVE IZ + 2019 POP CULTURE REFERENCES AND MEME CONTENT OKAY
- POSITIVE CONTENT! IZ is my comfort content and I deeply admire the positive impact the show has had on so many people. I also interpret Zim and Dib as having hard lives and mental problems but eventually recovering and finding happiness (and making each other happy!!). I do also love vent content and gritty/dark themes from an artistic standpoint (and of course comedic Depression™ memes) but I will be focusing much more on comforting and uplifting content!
- character development/relationships, fluff, comedy, domestic content, daily life, sci fi, conspiracy/cryptid content, fashion portraits and camp horror!! these are my favorite themes!!
- friendship, romance, and found family!! I adore the relationships between the characters and they ALL DESERVE LOVE!!!!! JHONEN CAN BITE MY ASS
- the IZ creators!! speaking of Jhonen LOL I LOVE seeing content about the creators themselves!! I genuinely have such affection and admiration for the wonderful people who brought and continue to bring the world of IZ to life, they are such amazing and inspiring human beings and I will be celebrating them alongside their creations!!
- IZ characters + aesthetics!! some of my MOST favorite IZ content depicts the characters being stylized with or sporting the fashion of vaporwave, goth, grunge, pastel, spacecore, cryptidcore, future funk, 90s disastercore and any and all things strange, niche, glittery and neon, and I FUCKING LOVE IT. GOD
- and lastly, I talk a fuck of a lot, as you can probably tell by this post lol. I’ll be screaming in the tags constantly and am liable to write the occasional super long text post! for those who are into that, I invite you to have discussions with me! and for those who aren’t, feel free to ignore them!
Things I will be staying away from!
- romantic content that depicts the characters as minors AKA underage zadr!! there will be no kid ships here! I’m an adult and only enjoy shipping adult versions of the characters! kid content will be either canon, wholesome, or friendship content! while I do find adult versions of the characters attractive since they have qualities I find attractive in real life, I see the adult versions as almost completely different people since they’re so far removed from the source content, and the love I feel for the canon kids is HIGHLY maternal and very nostalgia centric. this would probably be more clear if I didn’t lump the two types of content into the same blog, but I really do love both the adult fan interpreted IZ world and the canon IZ world in equal measure, just in different ways!
- content that fetishizes or ‘yaoi’-fies gay relationships! I am a queer person and I enjoy queer content made by queer people for queer people, you’re not gonna find any “B-BUT WE’RE BOTH BOYS!” shit here 😂
- content that depicts abuse between friends or partners!! while violence is an active theme in zim and dib’s canonical relationship, I very much dislike zadr content that depicts the two being aggressive or malicious towards each other while they’re supposedly in love. complex relationships are certainly interesting, but while toxic and abusive relationships are realistic, they’re not okay and should not be romanticized. I understand some people use that kind of content to cope, but for me it’s nothing but bad feelings. sparring and play fighting is fine and good, consensual violence could be interesting to explore, but hatred will stay separate from romance on this blog.
- discourse and long conversations about negative topics! I acknowledge the importance of discussing problems within the fandom, however I wish for this blog to be a positive and comforting place, since iz content in general is positive and comforting for me! there may be an occasional post that touches on real life negative topics but overall this will be kept to a minimum.
- explicit content!! while I DO both draw and consume nsfw adult zadr content, it will not be on this blog! since tumblr decided to be idiots and remove any way for minors and people who don’t wish to see nsfw content to hide it, this blog will remain pg-13. I will also not be providing any links to my other sites because of this (I am a nsfw artist and I sell porn commissions for a living, not trying to shove that in the faces of my minor, ace and sex repulsed followers, but by all means seek out my art if you DO wish to!). similarly, I will not be releasing my nsfw zadr art publicly anywhere, since aged up characters are controversial and my career, being online, could suffer if someone wanted to use that against me. HOWEVER, for fellow adult fans with extra cash who take a shine to my art, paid content could be a possibility in the future 👀
Interaction Guidelines!
Things I’m okay with!
- tagging my posts in any way you wish! kinning is fine! any ship interpretation is fine! any gender/orientation interpretation is fine! sharing your thoughts/opinions is fine!
- as long as you CREDIT me! using my art for icons/headers etc, drawing my iz designs, referencing my art, and reposting my art on other sites is all okay!
- asks or anons of any questions you might have about me or my content!
- asks or anons popping in to share thoughts, opinions and ideas! it’s always nice to hear from other fans!
- leaving comments in the tags/replies/reblogs of my posts makes me very happy!! tumblr is the only place I post my fanart and I love seeing what people think of it!
Things I’m not okay with!
- messages, reblogs, tags or asks that are blatantly rude or disrespectful! I really do not care what the subject or reason is, if you act like an asshole, I will not respond and will block you!
- asks or messages that say only ‘hi’ or ‘how are you?’ I have no problem with people trying to be friendly but I never have a single idea of how to reply to these kinds of messages, I’m so sorry 😂 please talk to me about fandom stuff though!!
- pressure to produce content! I like any other creator adore comments and compliments, but things like “DRAW MORE!!” “MORE ZADR!!” “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DRAW MORE!!” are not compliments!! it is in fact very off putting so please don’t do that! it will mess with my motivation! consider commissioning me if you want more content!
- if you are considering trying to be my friend, please be 20+!! I am not comfortable being friends with teens! nothing against my teen followers, I respect and appreciate you, but please understand I cannot relate to you on a personal level, and besides that, being friends with someone over 20 can be harmful and even dangerous for minors! I am an adult and only wish to have adult friends! please respect my wishes!
About my content!
So since what I like to draw is usually pretty different from the show, here are the basic headcanons for my interpretations of adult Zim and Dib~! Basically they’re queer 2019 millennials who are damaged but doing their best and enjoy niche interests and subcultures. Zim is the type who’s tough to handle but it’s worth it because he’s an amazing and colorful person underneath it all and only those he’s close to get to see that, and Dib is an eccentric but completely reliable, intelligent, passionate, and loyal friend whose company is a familiar comfort and a total safe space. They live together and are mutually beneficial allies to friends to lovers!
I HAVE A FIC, or at least an idea for one lol and when using my designs for the characters, my drawings will most likely be set in its context! Affectionately nicknamed the Soft AU, it’s centered around rest, recovery, affection, care and bonding… bc I’m SOFT OKAY 😂 You can read the full summary here, but here’s the gist!
A little over a decade after arriving on earth, Zim’s banishment is reinstated and as a result his entire base and all his equipment is confiscated, leaving him stranded on Earth with no way off the planet and in danger of being caught and killed by the humans. Dib offers him a deal that he’ll hide Zim instead of turning him in in exchange for letting him study Zim. They live together in Dib’s apartment and eventually get used to each other. Loneliness induced affection ensues. Hooray!!
And now for the boys themselves!
My Dib!
- 25, 6′2″, Mexican, cis boy, bisexual, bilingual
- is recovering from depression and anxiety and has ADD and insomnia, has had a nicotine addiction
- has a ton of ear piercings and a few facial piercings, as well as a few tattoos
- is still just as obsessive about his interests as he was as a kid, just with more curbed enthusiasm due to, yknow, depression. researching Zim however brings his enthusiasm back full force. he still sucks at taking care of himself when enthralled with his work but he’s getting there
- runs various blogs, forums, and youtube channels making content about cryptids and conspiracy theories, the ad revenue of which is his main source of income (he dislikes using his father’s money to support himself, but will dip into the family account occasionally)
- is very patient and can communicate and problem solve very well, and is skilled at handling various conflicts and mental issues
- still has his ‘I hate people’ attitude but is more open minded and understanding than he used to be, and more compassionate. he has difficulty trusting strangers but his friends and family are very important to him
- can be moody and dramatic but he’s a big sweetheart at his core
- being friends with Zim has made him more willing to enjoy acting like a huge dork and total weirdo, even in public
My Zim!
- young adult, 5′5″, androgynous presenting demi boy, panromantic demisexual
- has PTSD and anxiety, is recovering with help from Dib
- displays inhuman behavior such as hissing, growling, chirring, chirping, scratching/biting, screeching, territory guarding and dominance displays
- is a demi boy, meaning he identifies as mostly but not completely male, and is more nonbinary than cis, but he’s never given it too much thought because gender is stupid. he has little to no concept and zero regard for human gender roles
- is a SHIT who’s main entertainment is annoying Dib and ‘winning’ arguments, but Dib seems to get harder to piss off as time goes on, much to his confusion
- pitches a fit when he doesn’t agree with/doesn’t want to do something but can be swayed with rewards such as food, sweets, new clothes, video games etc
- rambunctious and high energy, he gets stir crazy often, but since he hates the city he and Dib often take car trips to more fun/nicer places outside the neighborhood
- moody and bratty with skewed logic but smart and more intuitive than he used to be, he’s more than a handful to deal with, but this also makes him the most entertaining person Dib knows
- after having the free time to discover the world of aesthetics, he becomes very much into clothes, make up, accessories etc (be they masculine or feminine) and enjoys making a hobby out of creating a unique self image using fashion (thus also subconsciously asserting his individuality)
- is much more dependent on Dib than he admits (or even realizes)
- his beliefs in nationalism, fascism and genocide are direct results of brainwashing and personality altering programs run by his PAK, and are not actually part of his core personality (these programs will be overridden and deleted eventually)
Side Note: I haven’t thought as far with the other characters but my Gaz and Tak are definitely lesbians 😂
And finally, my tag list!
#my art - things that I drew!
#my post - any post that I posted!
#asks - asks!
#text post - any text post longer than a couple lines!
#video - videos!
#audio - audios!
#canon - content from the show/comic/movie etc!
#creators - any content featuring the IZ cast or crew!
#memes - memes, shitposts, short comics, comedic posts etc!
#friends - friendship art between any characters!
#family - family bonding between the membranes/found family between any characters!
#ships - ship art between adult characters!
#suggestive - any content that could be considered sexual in nature!
#positive - fluff, friendship, wholesome content, uplifting content, characters being happy/cute/having fun etc!
#negative - angst, vent art, violence, mental illness, dark themes, characters fighting/being sad/getting hurt etc!
#kids - content depicting characters as kids/irkens as their canon designs!
#adults - content depicting characters as adults/irkens with noncanon designs!
#millennials - content depicting adult characters that includes any modern culture! (personal fave)
#aesthetic - highly stylized or surreal portraits centered around aesthetic themes!
ship tags!: zadr (zim and dib romance), tagr (tak and gaz romance), rapr (red and purple romance)
friendship tags!: zadf (zim and dib friendship), tagf (tak and gaz friendship), zatf (zim and tak friendship), tadf (tak and dib friendship), zagf (zim and gaz friendship), zag (zim and gir)
character tags!: zim, dib, gaz, tak, gir, red, purple, membrane, skoodge, gretchen, keef, spork, miyuki, recap kid, bg chars, ocs
#i wrote an about since this blog is growing FAST#and i intend on staying active for a long time!!#i'll be using all the new tags from now on!#about#faq#my post
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