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gale-gentlepenguin · 3 years

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ML Fic: Soulmate Survey Part 33

Sorry this got delayed for longer than expected. I had a lot of things hit me like a truck (and distractions). Hopefully you all enjoy this. Please comment your thoughts on the chapter. And if you really liked it, Reblog it. Thats the best way to get others to see it.

(Master Post)

_______________________________________________________________________

Nathalie cautiously walked into the school, careful to not stand out. She needed to be quick and quiet, she didn’t know how many akuma were lurking in the building. Hawkmoth has akumatized a good chunk of the student body at this school, so expecting at least a dozen within such a short time frame wouldn’t be out of the question. She was relieved that the akuma alert hasn't gone off, which means no one has caught on yet.

The assistant moved down the hall, stopping once she noticed two akuma heading down the hall. One she recognized as the akuma dark owl, and the other as Lady wifi. Both akuma wearing masks that covered their faces. It was clearly the handiwork of Masquerade. She quickly moved into the nearest room to hide.

“That was close.” Nathalie whispered.

“What was?” a voice from behind her called out. Causing the on edge assistant to jump.

She looked to see it was not an akuma, but an adult with a perplexed expression.

“Nothing, what room is this?”

“This is the nurse’s office, I’m Nurse Angela. How can I help you?”

Nathalie took a sigh of relief. Seems that the nurse hasn’t noticed the akumatized individuals in the hall. Which means that no one has figured out there are akuma active.

“I am fine, I simply stepped into the wrong room.” Nathalie eased herself. “Could you tell me which way Ms. Bustier’s classroom is?”

“Oh its down the hall, make a left and it’s the last classroom on the...”

“Nurse! My ice pack melted!”

The nurse took a calming sigh.

“One moment ma’am. I have a student in here.”

Angela quickly moved to fetch more ice for her patient to help her out.

“Chloé?” Nathalie spoke aloud, recognizing the voice.

Nathalie moved into the room and took notice of the mayor’s daughter watch the nurse impatiently as she waited for a fresh icepack.

“Wait, your Gabriel Agreste’s assistant. Natasha.”

“Nathalie.” The assistant corrected, clearly annoyed.

“Why are you here? Does Adrien have some photoshoot or something?”

“Or something. Now why are you in here?”

The question struck a nerve with the blonde, causing her annoyance to turn into anger.

“Better question, how could you allow Adrien to date that loser!?”

Nathalie blinked.

“Excuse me?”

“She is going to bring down the Gabriel brand. That nobody has no right to be dating Adrien. Does his father know about this?”

Nathalie felt a twinge of annoyance. But kept it in. She remembered the akuma that were out in the hallway. She would hate to have them run in here just from the commotion.

“I think you should keep it down. This is not an issue that concerns you.”

“Doesn’t concern me?! I am Adrien’s childhood friend. You bet your poor dye job it concerns me!”

“I must insist you be quiet.” Nathalie repeats. “This is not the time or the place for such meaningless complaints.”

“Like I am going to listen to Gabriel Agreste’s rebound chick.”

That caused Nathalie to snap.

“Listen here you spoiled brat! There are akuma running the halls and I am trying to find Adrien to get him out of here before things get worse. If you don’t shut your mouth in the next two seconds. I will throw you out there and let them tear you apart!”

Chloé felt her eyes go wide at the out of nowhere outburst. It took her a second to process what just happened. Did she really get told off by this nobody?

“You can’t just…”

Nathalie suddenly fell to the floor. She barely used her hands to catch herself.

“S***, not now.” She mumbled over gasping breathes. Her body was failing on her again. She did not need this of all times. She felt her consciousness fade.

The nurse turned around once she heard the sudden thud.

“Oh dear.”

She rushed to the collapsed woman’s side and helped her up.

“Chloé. Help me get her onto the bed.”

“You want me to…”

“This is not the time for questions! Help me get her on the bed now!” Angela commanded.

Chloé’s protests were snuffed out by the nurse and she moved to help get the woman on the bed.

The nurse quickly checked her for a pulse. Thankfully she had one.

“Okay, she has a pulse. She is breathing, but her body just collapsed. A fainting spell?”

Angela started checking the assistant to make sure there was nothing else wrong.

Chloé watched as the nurse examined Nathalie. Her previous anger fading as she sees the woman that just snapped at her just drop.

“Okay… seems that it is over exhaustion. It’s not uncommon in people who work long hours with demanding jobs. But I have never seen a case like this. I can’t put my finger on it, but there might be another medical issue involved in this. When she wakes up, she should get checked into a hospital for a deeper dive into whatever she has.” Angela explained.

“So… she will be alright?”

“Well she is exhausted. She will need to rest for a bit.”

“Well at least she didn’t die. I can still be mad at her for yelling at me because there is an akuma and junk here.”

“Well you shouldn’t hold a… did you just say there is an akuma?”

“That’s what she was yelling at me about before. Weren’t you listening?”

Angela felt herself go pale.

“Oh that is not good at all. We need to alert the authorities.”

Chloé picked up her phone and started texting.

“Don’t you think you should use that to call the cops.”

“Im texting my dad. He will have the cops here faster.”

Angela remembered that the annoying spoiled blonde in front of her was the mayor’s daughter and for the first time, was happy that the girl was here.

_______________________________________________________________________

For what is a teen, but a pile of hormones and insecurities.

Masquerade delighted as she watched her classmates stare at her. They all were trying so hard to be strong, but she could feel their emotions, they were afraid. She knew that taking the most emotionally secure one in the group would rattle them..

She noticed the teens rushing to their pockets to get their phones.

Masquerade touched the cellphone charm on her bracelet and all of the phones started showing they had no signal.

“Nice try, but no calling for help.” Masquerade commented.

Even the chill Nino couldn’t maintain a steady calm in front of her with that little display. She now removed any chance of calling for help or setting off that akuma alert system. Did she have access to other powers? What kind of monster did Hawkmoth turn her into?

“I’ll save you for last Nino. I want you to watch closely.” She flipped her hair, taunting the cap wearing teen.

The masked theme akuma smiled as she moved her hand, as if deciding on who would turn next.

“Now we know who will be last, but who will be next?” Masquerade asked, watching as her bracelet was glowing. The class was a gold mine of akumas. It was not a matter of how, it was a matter of which one.

“You don’t have to do this Lila.” A soft higher pitched voice pleaded.

The class turned their attention the short haired blond with a fondness for pink.

“Rose…” Juleka spoke up in worry.

Masquerade focused her attention on Rose.

“Oh? And why is that?”

“We know you are hurting. We know that you lied to us and did some nasty things… but that doesn’t have to define you!”

Masquerade found herself a bit surprised at the statement.

“If you are willing to stop all of this, we can help you. We can work through all of the things you’ve done. If we can throw a party for Chloé, we can certainly give you another chance.”

Rose stuck out her hand, a soft smile on her face.

Masquerade took a moment to process before speaking.

“Wow… I had no idea you felt this way.”

Rose walked forward.

“See Lila, we can all get along if…”

“You’re so incredibly depressing.”

Rose stopped.

Masquerade’s mouth contorted to a twisted glee. Her charm bracelet glowing brightly as she held her hand up to Rose.

“You always force a smile even when things are downright miserable. You’re terrified of being sad, so you paint this image of a fantasy land filled with stuffed animals and storybook characters. You realize all of the awful things around you yet you simply push it back, push it away as if it can’t harm you if you don’t acknowledge it. You can’t even acknowledge the emotional problems and insecurities of the people you care about because you know you can’t help them even if you did address them, so you give them some encouraging saccharine speech about pushing through, because that’s all you can really do. I have never seen anyone so deep in denial. One day you will wake up and realize that all of that delusional thinking will have pushed everyone away from you as you sit in plushy made prison of your own design.”

Rose felt her lip quiver.

“N-No. That isn’t true. I can …” Rose stumbled over her words.

But before she could say anymore, a mask flung onto her face and Rose shifted into Princess Fragrance, the green skinned perfume super villainess.

“Rose! No!” Juleka cried out.

Masquerade grinned as a perfume bottle charm now adorned her bracelet.

Juleka tried to get the mask off of Rose, but the newly made akuma pushed her aside and jumped to her master’s side.

“Oh, poor Juleka. Don’t worry. I’ll have you join her.”

Masquerade pointed her hand at Juleka.

“Oh wow, social anxiety and a fear of being forgotten. How original. Is that why you dye your hair purple and wear those gaudy clothes? You want to stand out so that you don’t get dismissed like the wallflower you are? Your bad luck with photos really puts a damper on your dreams of modeling. But that’s probably for the best, considering you are constantly overwhelmed. You don’t have the guts to do anything you want, so you just do your best to keep quiet and pray people will still notice and care about you.”

Juleka felt her anger shift to sorrow as she tried to speak up, but sure enough. Masquerade sends another mask out and it makes contact with Juleka.

The purple haired teen shifts into the image replicating akuma, Reflekta. Who after changing moved next to Princess Fragrance. A compact mirror charm appears on Masquerade’s bracelet.

The class couldn’t help but feel the despair in the room. The large drummer tried to keep his small girlfriend behind him as a means to protect her, but unfortunately, Masquerade noticed.

“Oh Ivan, sweet misunderstood Ivan.” Masquerade taunted. “You really think I don’t see what you are trying to do.”

Ivan kept his eyes focused.

“You aren’t turning me into one of your monsters. You already turned my bandmates into them, you aren’t turning me!”

The akuma laughed.

“Monster? I don’t need to turn you into an akuma to do that. The rest of the world already sees you as one.”

Ivan felt a pang in his heart.

“No… no they don’t.”

“Even your own girlfriend is scared of you. You’re a big brute that is loud and bumbling. Ever since your growth spurt, you could see everyone look at you differently, like you were some kind of large freak. But what’s worse is that you’re afraid that everyone else is right. That you a large rage filled monster, undeserving of love.”

“Don’t listen to her. She is lying to you.” Myléne pleaded as she tried to pull her boyfriend out of the quicksand trap of emotion that the akuma was setting up.

“I am not a monster.” Ivan spoke, more to himself than to masquerade.

The akuma capitalized on that moment of weakness and a mask made its way to Ivan, transforming him into his stone giant akuma form, Stoneheart.

Myléne looked in horror of her akumatized boyfriend and took a few steps back. Her fear of remembering this form taking hold.

“Oh, that works too.”

Masquerade flings a mask at Myléne, transforming her into her more monstrous akuma form, Horrificator.

“I was planning on playing on her fears about how she is afraid to face the real world and her insecurities about losing Ivan, but that worked better.”

The two new akuma mindlessly made their way to Masquerade’s side. A piece of paper and a button charm appeared on Masquerade’s bracelet.

The joy the akuma attained from watching her classmates squirm was unnerving. And it was only going to continue.

_______________________________________________________________________

“So, you are certain you left it there Kagami?” a woman with a cane asked sternly.

“Yes mother, I remember I left my text book in the locker room during fencing practice. I was studying between breaks.” Kagami answered. She felt a bit ashamed she had misplaced her book. But was relieved her mother was fine with giving her a ride there to get it. Even if it meant she was late to her lessons.

“This is not an excuse to see anyone, is it?” Her mother questioned.

“No mother, I will be in and out quickly.”

“Very well. I need to make a quick stop at the bank. So be sure to be outside waiting when I come back.”

“Yes mother.”

Kagami got out of the car and the car drove off.

“Well, I could stop by to say hello to my friends if I am quick with getting my book.” Kagami smiled a bit as she was about to make her way into Collège Françoise Dupont.

But before she did, she heard the sound of a bike approaching, she turned to see the cyclist stop short of her.

“Made it.” He said with relief as he took off his helmet to reveal familiar blue dyed hair.

“Luka?”

The cyclist looked and noticed his new fencer friend.

“Kagami? What brings you here? I thought you didn’t go to this school.”

“I don’t, I come here for fencing practice, I left a textbook here and was planning on retrieving it. You don’t go to this school either. So what brings you here?”

“My little sis grabbed the wrong lunch bag, then texted something about an akuma being in the school. I wasn't able to reach her after that. I plan on getting her out and letting the heroes handle the akuma.”

Kagami blinked.

“There is an akuma?”

“Apparently.”

The fencer smiled.

“Alright, let’s get in and try to evacuate everyone. Then I can grab my book.”

Luka looked at the determined girl and smiled. He didn’t even say he would help her. But he knew he would.

“So, what’s the plan?”

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Adrien stared down the Volpina duplicate. He was not going to let it pass him and get to Marinette. He realizes that if he had been the one to run off, he would have been able to transform quick. If this didn’t work out, Ladybug might have to take on Lila solo, and that was something he was worried about. If Ladybug is on her own and she gets overwhelmed, who would be able to protect Paris? He needed to figure a way to give this Faux Fox the slip and fast.

“It would have been better if I snagged both of you, but master will be more than happy with your capture.” The sentimonster smiled as it moved to grab him.

The blond jumped back, but the difference in speed was far too great for him to overcome. And he was quickly pinned against a wall. The sentimonster shifted forms, looking similar to the owl akuma that Adrien was familiar with.

“What the…”

“I am not bound to one form. I can shift my form and access to any akuma’s power set that my master has under her control.”

Adrien realized he was far outmatched. If it came to it, he would need to transform. He wished there was some way out of this mess.

But as if the heavens above heard him, a yo-yo wrapped around the waist of the buff owl.

“What the ...”

The sudden pull from the yo-yo made the sentimonster lose it’s grip on Adrien and get flung to the other wall, dazing it.

“Looks like I made it just in time.” A spotted heroine stated with confidence.

“Ladybug!” Adrien called out in relief.

Ladybug rushed to his side.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m a lot better now.”

Ladybug helped the teen up from the ground.

“Lets’ get you somewhere safe first, handsome boy.”

The blond felt his cheeks turn red at the comment.

The sentimonster managed to get back up, it shifted forms, to a smaller form. One that made ladybug experience a chill go down her spine as she saw the roller blades and familiar helmet.

“Timebreaker… We need to hurry!”

Ladybug started rushing with the teen. With the speed of the akuma, she knew Adrien wouldn’t be fast enough to avoid it on his own. So, she quickly picked him up in her arms as they fled.

“Timebreaker? But isn’t that what Alix turned into when she was akumatized.” Adrien inquired as Ladybug ran down the hallway.

“It means that things are getting a lot more dangerous.” Ladybug answered. She knew that timebreaker appearing could only mean that Lila has made her way to the classroom, and this was going to be one of the toughest akuma battles yet. She needed to get Adrien to safety and then make her way to the classroom, hopefully save her classmates before they were all turned into her masked servants.

She made a quick movement into the bathroom. Standing at the door, prepared to fight the akuma if it noticed their quick duck into the washroom.

Ladybug listened closely as she heard the sound of skates roll up to the door. Her eyes went wide as she realized the it figured it out.

“You really think you can hide from me!”

The Timebreaker imposter kicked in the door ready to attack, only to see no one was in the room.

“Like I said….”

“You!” Kicked the first stall door open.

“CANT!” The second stall was kicked open.

“HIDE!” The last one was open, and all of them were empty.

The sentimonster growled in frustration.

“Seems I was mistaken.” The sentimonster grumbles, skating off to find the two.

As the door closes, Ladybug and Adrien sigh in relief. They had taken to hiding over the small statured sentimonster’s line of sight. Ladybug;s yo-yo making for a secure web to hold them up.

Ladybug undid the secure snare and lowered them both to the floor.

“Thanks for the save Ladybug.” The blond smiled. His face a bit red being so close to Ladybug.

‘Easy there Adrien! Remember who you are dating now!’ He mentally told himself.

“N-no problem.” Ladybug smiled sweetly. “Now, you stay hidden and I will take care of this crazy shapeshifter.

“Wait Ladybug!”

Ladybug paused.

“Yes? Is there something…”

“My girlfriend is out there. Well I mean… dating since we didn’t officially say girlfriend and… Look She is out there and that akuma thing is also after her.”

Ladybug’s eyes went wide at that statement.

He called me his girlfriend! Inner marinette screamed. Inside her head, but Ladybug kept her face from showing it. Though a small smile was growing despite herself.

“So the akuma is targeting someone else? Why wasn’t she with you?”

“She went to get help, I was trying to hold off the akuma so she could escape. The akuma was more focused on me thankfully, and you showed up just in time.”

“Oh? And who is the Lucky girl?” Ladybug questioned, a bit bubbly but doing her best to hide it.

“Her name is Marinette, she is around your height and she has these cute …”

“No need for more description, I know her. Well, she is a cute one. Aren’t you lucky?” Ladybug teased a bit.

“I really am.” He smiled sweetly. He remembers that Ladybug did pick Marinette to be a temporary hero, so she should know who she is. Though he isn’t supposed to know that.

Ladybug put a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure your ‘girlfriend’ is safe. I’ll also be sure to tell her you were worried as well. She will be happy to hear that.”

Adrien felt himself in a bit of a bizarre situation, was ladybug helping him by being a wingwoman for him? He couldn’t help but find it a mix of ironic and funny.

Ladybug rushed out of the bathroom, realizing that chat noir was rubbing off on her a bit, teasing Adrien like that.

“He called me his girlfriend.” She smiled as she thought this to herself. Though she knew the task at hand was important and would dwell on this happiness much later.

Adrien watched as she ran off, feeling a bit flustered.

“Really needed to let her know you were off the market now.” A voice from his pocket teased.

“I panicked.” Adrien felt his face flush.

“Seemed Ladybug was happy for you. That’s good.” The cat kwami popped out of his pocket. Hiding the fact, he knew a lot more than he let on.

“We do have more important things to worry about. We have an akuma and sentimonster to stop. “

Adrien punched his fist out.

“Plagg. Claws out!”

_____________________________________________________________________________

Masquerade laughed, loving how she was turning everything back on her classmates.

When something smacked into her head.

“Ugh!” She grunted as she grabbed the metal object that flung into her.

“What the hell?!” Masquerade’s eyes focused to see it was Max’s ai companion, Markov that head-butted her.

“Your actions have far exceeded what is acceptable.” The robot responded.

“Markov get away from her. She will akumatize you!” Max called out in worry.

“Akumatize the toaster? How could I akumatize…” Masquerade muttered until she noticed her bracelet glowing.

“Oh, you have got to be f***ing kidding me. You akumatized a sentient rice cooker but not Marinette?! The f*** hawkmoth!?”

“I will have you know that I am an advanced artificial intelligence.”

“And you despise that.” Masquerade points out.

“Quite the contrary, I find my intellect exhilarating.”

“But you already calculated it, the two logical conclusions. That you will either become obsolete and be tossed out for a newer model, or you will advance and grow until you outlive Max.”

Markov paused. He could not come up with a response. The robot felt stumped byt the statement.

“Too easy.”

“Markov!’ Max cried out as a mask landed over his visual face plate. Shifting him into his angry red coated akuma form, Robostus.

Max moved to get to his robot. But Kim held him back.

“It’s too late man.”

Max growled at the akuma.

“Damn it Lila, why are you doing this? You must know that Ladybug and Chat noir will arrive ready to stop you. The chances of you beating them are 0%.”

Masquerade lifted her hand as her bracelet began glowing again.

“Oh. smarty pants Max, the one with all the formulas and the data. You have to be the smartest one in the room or else you have nothing.”

“I know what you are trying to do. It won’t work.”

“Out of everyone here, you have the biggest inferiority complex. Your need to be the best at what your ‘good’ at. Robotics, video games, data analysis, and of course, calculations. You need to show to everyone how smart and skilled you are, because the moment you don’t, they realize there is no personality underneath.”

Max tried to focus on not letting the words get to him, but Masquerade knew exactly what to say to cut him down.

“Go on Max, tell them how to ‘Beat’ my power. Or do you not know?”

Max felt his lip quiver, he couldn’t stay strong. He didn’t know how to beat it. He could feel the horror of not knowing slip into his mind. She had nailed his insecurities like an expert marksman.

“I thought so.”

A mask flew and smacked onto Max’s face. He dropped to the floor only to get up in a black and green spandex suit, His akumatized form, The Gamer.

A game controller charm appeared on her bracelet.

A sudden squeak caught her attention.

Masquerade turned her head to see an orange haired girl trying to sneak away.

“Sabrina, I had forgotten you were here. Just like everyone else usually does.”

Masquerade was about to really lay into her, but a book out of nowhere smacked her in the face.

It was the athletic dare maker himself, Kim.

“I am done sitting around and letting you turn everyone into masked zombies.” Kim exclaimed.

Nino felt himself zone back in as Kim called it out. Now was not the time to lose his head. He needed to focus. Masquerade didn’t mention Adrien, so maybe his best bro was still out there. Maybe they can get to the heroes and have them fix this. But first, he needed to escape.

“Kim’s right. We won’t let you turn anyone else anymore. Sabrina get help!” Nino exclaimed.

“Like she is going to… HEY!”

A waste basket covered the villainess as she stumbled back, with the basket stuck to her head. While she had been too busy gloating, she had failed to notice the tomato haired artist sneak behind her and the mindless akuma line up. He had slammed it on as hard as he could to ensure it was difficult to remove.

“Let’s Go!” Nino announced as the rest of the class rushed to the door. Time breaker being the only one actively ordered prepared to stop them.

“Don’t let her touch you.” Sabrina spoke as they tried to figure.

Kim grabbed a chair and used it like a make shift battering ram in order to keep Timebreaker at a distance, but the akuma reacted quickly by pulling the chair away and kicking the teen in the gut with her roller blade. Sending him flying back into the other teens.

“Ugh! That really was gross!” Masquerade retched as she pulled the waste bucket off her head.

“Well, I hope you enjoyed your little escape attempt. Because you won’t get another chance.”

Masquerade pointed at Kim.

“Since you started this little thing. I will change you next.”

Kim looked at the Akuma with a smile.

“Good luck with that. You don’t have anything that could make me feel gloomy.”

Masquerade’s bracelet started glowing again. She was clearly ready to speak, but stopped herself.

“… Wait.. THAT’s your biggest insecurity?”

“I don’t have an insecurity.”

“You are afraid everyone will realize you’re not smart.”

“What? No, I am not. I am plenty smart. I watch the Alternate Truth all the time.”

“Everyone already knows you’re an idiot.”

Kim looked at the akuma with shock.

“That’s not true! People do think I’m smart. Chloé has called me ‘Genius’ multiple times.”

Masquerade didn’t know how to respond to this.

“I… do you not know what sarcasm is?”

“Of course, I do.” Kim lied.

“Just … just wear the mask you moron.”

Masquerade sends a mask to attach to Kim.

The swimmer did his best to resist but felt himself succumb to the mask and become the dark winged akuma, Dark Cupid. He joined the rest of the akuma in the lineup, and a bow and arrow charm appeared on Masquerade’s charm bracelet.

“I actually feel dumber because of those last few minutes. Okay next one.”

Masquerade points at the Artist.

“Let’s bring the mood back with you Nathaniel, what is your biggest insecurity?”

“Listen Lila, there is still a chance to stop what you’re doing.”

“You’re afraid of opening yourself up to others. That’s the reason you didn’t want to join Soulmate searcher despite Marc’s insistence. You were afraid of putting out all that information on yourself and seeing that you and Marc aren’t meant for each other. You can only express yourself with art. And you know that it’s only a matter of time before he realizes your issues and leaves.”

Nathaniel wanted to dispute the statement, but felt his words die in his mouth.

“Such a pity Nathaniel, I’ll make sure to go after him once we are done here.”

“No! Don’t you…”

Nathaniel tried to say more, but a mask latching onto his face interrupted him.

The artist transformed into his heroic yet villainess akuma form, Evillustrator. Just like the others, the recent akuma joined the line.

A tablet pen charm appeared on Masquerade’s bracelet.

“And next up is Sabrina. I was interrupted earlier. But don’t worry. I have everything I need to get you.”

Sabrina tried to put on a brave face and covering her ears.

“Oh, you think It won’t work if you cant hear me.”

Masquerade’s bracelet glows.

“You don’t get it Sabrina, I am not just saying mean words, I am reading your greatest insecurities. And I am projecting them out.”

Sabrina could hear Masquerade’s words, as if they were in her mind. She couldn’t escape them. Her hands dropped.

“Very good. You learned how futile it is. It’s rare that you have someone’s attention like this. You always never stood out much, but you never minded that, your biggest insecurity is that no one will want to spend time with you. That’s why even with Chloé being mean and nasty, you like the fact that someone is willing to talk to you. You would accept humiliation and embarrassment over being alone. It’s truly pathetic.”

Sabrina felt tear stream down her face.

“Sabrina don’t let her get to you…”

“Im sorry. I don’t want to be alone.”

The mask flew onto Sabrina’s face. But something happened. She wasn’t changing right away.

“What’s this?” Masquerade commented.

“It seems you have more than one akumatizable form? Alya had something similar, but I was ‘missing something’ to access the other one so I didn’t bother with that. But this is different.”

Masquerade felt a malicious glee take hold.

“Why not give you both.”

Nino watched as the masked Sabrina shifted into a costume that looked familiar to him. The power stealing Miracular.

But suddenly, she vanished from his sight. Only to then appear with the other akuma.

“Invisibility and power stealing. Sabrina you maybe my favorite servant yet.” Masquerade exclaimed. Two charms appeared on Masquerade’s bracelet, vanishing cream and a tonfa.

Nino took a look at the line up of akuma.

“Dude… this is so not cool.”

Masquerade started to walk towards the DJ with a confident stride, stopping short, looking down at him. An aura of malice emanating from her presence.

“Don’t worry Nino. You’ll be joining them.”

_______________________________________________________________________

(End of Chapter)

So all the pieces are coming together. Will Nathalie be okay in a school filled with akuma? Will Ladybug and Chat noir be able to fight the army of akumatized classmates that Masquerade has been building? Will Kagami be able to get her text book. Will Kim learn that everyone loves him because he is a himbo? Find out by staying tuned.

Thanks for reading and be sure to comment if you want to see the next part. I am an author and live off validation.

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dindjarinbae · 3 years

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The Scariest Thing (Din Djarin x reader)

MANDALORIAN SEASON 2 SPOILERS AHEAD!

alright so, this was supposed to be finished like 2 weeks ago but i got busy, lazy, and distracted, so im sorry for being late to the party. anyways, this is just a little drabble and i actually kinda like it. i have something else im gonna post tomorrow but until then, here’s this!

WC: 2738

WARNINGS: none, spiders, some language.

Your eye could’ve started twitching. You could’ve smacked the giant tin can of a Mandalorian right on the back of his helmeted head as the Razor Crest settled into the ice caves deep below the surface of the planet of Maldo Kreis. You stared at the back of his head until you were sure holes would melt through the Beskar, but they never came. Mr. Hero Complex himself stood up from his chair and assured the sweet little frog lady that he’d go find her eggs down in the hull, so down the ladder he went and you followed on his heels. You grabbed his shoulder once you were both on solid ground and spun him around to look at you. “Are you crazy Din Djarin?” You asked incredulously, a sharp shiver shooting up your spine from the new, bitter cold air that filtered into the ruined hull.

“What?” He asked gruffly, but he didn’t make any move to remove your hand from his shoulder as he stared down at you. You shook your head and you motioned around with your hand, “Din, you could’ve just told the stupid x-wings the truth! Or something! Now we’re stuck, and we’re gonna freeze and there’s no one around for... I don’t know how far! And the baby, and the eggs and the-“ you were cut off by his gloved finger settling over your lips. He wrapped an arm around your waist and sighed softly. “Please don’t worry. I’ll fix this, okay? Just help me find the eggs and the kid, and I can get to work trying to fix the ship.” Famous last words, because hours later, you sat behind him in the snow, passing him tools while he fixed the outside of the ship when the baby came around the corner to babble in that adorably ridiculous little voice of his. Din looked up from his work and you had to turn your attention that way as well as he spoke, “How ‘bout you come over here, give me a hand? Make yourself useful,” he said to the child who had a strange sense of urgency to his chattering. “I think he’s trying to tell you something,” you hummed and placed your chin against his shoulder while you looked over at the panel he was fixing, and the kid grunted frustratedly before waddling off. Your Mandalorian was not having this and sighed, “Hey, kid,” he tried to get the little green thing’s attention, but to no avail. He had rounded the side of the ship and you were sure if you could see Din’s face right now, he’d be rolling his eyes as he gently shrugged you off and stood up. He offered you his hand and you stood up with him while he called to the baby, “I said hey! Where are you going?” He asked and you took his arm gently, nodding toward the baby, “Come back here!” He called and grew exasperated. “He’s just a kid, Din. Go see what he wants,” you prompted softly and he sighed, once again, and then moved through the snow with you towards the baby. When he rounded the ship, the two of you could see the baby sitting down, facing a set of tracks. Little frog tracks. “When did she go?” Din asked, sinking to one knee next to the little green bundle of energy. He looked over the tracks and lifted the baby up and held his hand towards you, “Come on, Cyare. I don’t want you sitting by yourself back here,” he said, and you grabbed his hand gratefully. “You know, it might be worse in there. You don’t even know what’s living under the ice,” you murmured imagining strange serpents or monsters running around in these ice caves. He scoffed and squeezed your hand just once, “The scariest thing down here is me, lovely,” he stated confidently and walked through the snowy cave with you and the baby, undoubtedly following the frog’s tracks. You were dressed in some of his warmer clothes and wrapped within one of his old cloaks, yet the cold air still made you shiver, and the tip of your nose and fingers turned a bright pink. You pulled yourself closer to Din and looked around at the blue, icy walls around you. There was an eerie calmness to the caves around you and you dared not speak a word as snow crunched underneath your footsteps. You shivered ominously and then looked up at Din, “I don’t like it back here, Din. It’s too quiet,” you said anxiously and he squeezed your hand, yet again. “I always protect you. You know that. Don’t be afraid of an ice cave,” he murmured and you leaned into his side, and he protectively held you to him. The three of you walked through and underneath arches of ice, and the baby squeaked a few times while Din led you into an icy cavern. The frog’s voice echoed from inside of the cavern and Din gently dropped your hand, hurrying toward her, “There you are!” He exclaimed and you looked around the cavern and the strange icy bulbs that protruded from the ground. Your eyes settled on a steaming crater full of warm water where the little frog lady sat contently and you looked over to Din curiously. He moved toward her urgently, checking around himself and you, just in case. “You can’t leave the ship. It’s not safe out here,” he said firmly to the frog and you followed closed behind him, holding his cloak around yourself tightly. He set the mischievous little baby down at the side of the warm water and he began to coo, seeing the snack he was earlier reprimanded for eating. The frog tried to protest Din’s wishes, and even if she spoke the same language, he wouldn’t have budged. Her eggs floated around her in the water and Din told her to gather them, and he reached into the pool to help her, explaining that night was falling and it was becoming more dangerous just before having another go at scolding the child for trying to grab at the eggs bobbing in front of him. The baby whined as he was caught and he waddled towards you. You looked down at him and he held his hand up toward you, his little way of saying he wanted to hold onto your finger, to lead you somewhere. You bent at the waist uncomfortably and he wrapped his three, chubby fingers around your pointer finger and you both waddled along as he lead you to one of the strange oval shaped bulbs coming up from the ground. “Hey, now, buddy. Maybe we should leave that al-“ that suggestion was moot, because he had already dropped your finger to sniff, tap, and tear into the strange thing. A slimy sound echoed through the cave as he tore into the oval and you could’ve gagged watching him dig into the green sludge inside and yank out what looked like... a spider. You hated spiders. If presented with joining the empire or holding a spider, you would’ve joined the empire. If someone asked you to break your own arm or touch a spider... Yeah. You’d be breaking an arm. But if someone asked you to do what the little baby just did or jump out of a flying ship in the middle of space, you would do just that, because the baby stuffed the slimy arachnid into his mouth. You gasped and jumped back, shaking your head, “Ew! Spit that out now! You don’t even know if it’s poisonous or not!” You exclaimed loudly to the baby, who just giggled. The brat wasn’t giggling for very long. The ground began to subtly rumble and all of the little bulbs around you in the cave began to crack and tear, and thin, slimy legs began to rip themselves free. Your eyes nearly bulged out of your head and you pushed the baby toward Din, while you ran after him, both of you screaming. Din turned to look at you two, and so did the sweet little frog lady, and that’s when the emerging ice spiders caught his eye. The frog chittered while Din scooped up the baby, and you were now in a full panic, looking around at all the spiders. You grabbed onto his arm and practically climbed up the side of him, making incoherent, terrified noises as you tried to pull him toward the exit. He wrapped an arm around your waist in an ironclad grip and he handed you the baby while he slung the now full canister of eggs over his shoulder. “They’re spiders, Din. Lots of.. Fucking spiders!” You shrieked and latched onto him as tight as you could, once again trying to climb him. He patted your waist and held you to the ground while the frog dressed herself and you watched more flood out of a deeper part of the cave. And as usual, bad went to worse, because out came a bunch of much larger spiders and you let out a piercing scream, pointing at them. And worse went to absolute hell nightmare emergency as a spider, as big as the Razor Crest, crawled out of the cave. “Can we fucking-“ you began to yell as Din cut you off, waving at the frog lady. “Go! Go! Back to the ship!” He commanded, and she wasted no time running that way. You stood frozen as the spider screeched and Din tried to run, but it was clear you weren’t moving. At least you now knew that in a fight or flight situation, you took the secret third action and froze. He grunted and threw you over his shoulder and began to run with you over one shoulder, the eggs over the other, and he had taken the baby back from your grip and tucked him underneath his arm. The baby squealed and you watched the spider open a mouth full of sharp teeth and you screamed as loud as your lungs allowed. “Din! Faster! Fuck, run faster!” You cried and slammed your fists into the back of his armor, and you shook your head as he ran as fast as he could considering the weight he was now carrying. “We’re gonna die we’re gonna die, we’re gonna fucking die!” You sobbed and closed your eyes, trying not to look at the tsunami of spiders following right behind you. Ice fell around all of you as the giant spider slammed holes through the icy ceilings with his legs and you shrieked again, wrapping your arms around Din’s midsection. “We aren’t going to die!” Din called back to you and you shook your head, still blubbering about how you were all going to- probably- die. Din shot at a handful of them with his blaster and you continued crying, clinging to him, “I never wanted to die like this! Because of... fucking spiders!” You cried and shook your head, “Din, please go faster!” You screamed and he growled gruffly in your direction. And that’s when the webs started shooting everywhere. At some point, you must have really just blacked out, because the next thing you knew, there was a blast of fire behind you, and Din was tearing through the snow to get you to the ship. He passed the baby to the frog lady, and she hurried him inside of the ship and he tossed you over his shoulder inside of the hull. You hit the ground with a painful thud and you scrambled backwards to get up, and you grabbed the baby and ushered the frog lady and her eggs up into the cockpit. You could hear the squealing spiders and their legs down below and you cried messily, holding the baby to your chest while you curled up in the pilot’s seat. As soon as Din barreled into the cockpit, the spiders crowded the door, making it impossible to climb. A spider landed on the baby’s head while he sat on your lap and you screamed louder than you ever had in your life, but you couldn’t even finish the scream before the frog was shooting it dead right off the baby’s head. Din shot fire at the remaining spiders until they moved away and the door closed, all the while you watched in absolute terror until he turned around. You heard the disgusting patter of spider legs on the glass above you and Din very gently lifted you from the chair onto the ground next to his chair, “Put your head between your knees, and please, cyare, breathe,” he instructed before pulling the baby into his lap. He turned to the frog lady and nodded once, getting all of the switches above his head turned on, “Strap yourselves in. This better work,” he commanded, and you tucked your head down between your knees and tried to focus on literally anything other than the sound of the spiders. “I’ve got limited visibility. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride,” Din said before the Crest shook to life, and he was not kidding about the bumpy part. You were now rising, up, up. And down. You looked up and saw that the giant spider had now pinned the ship completely down to the ground, and you nearly began to panic again, but Din yanked you up by your arm into his lap with the baby and he tucked your head under his chin, “keep your eyes closed,” he instructed you, and you happily obliged, gripping his arm tightly. Glass shattered from above and you didn’t dare look, you just stayed with your eyes screwed shut and you clenched your jaw, your teeth grinding together. The baby whined next to you, and you placed a hand against his side to calm him. You weren’t sure what was happening next, but you heard blaster fire, and you could see the bright red rays through your eyelids. Din stood up and placed you and the baby down on the chair and he slipped out of the cockpit. You were finally brave enough to open your eyes and you looked over at the frog lady, blinking in disbelief, “Are you okay?” You asked her and you assumed she said what meant yes because she gave you a little nod and she looked up out the window. You heard more blaster fire and some voices outside, including Din’s. There was a loud commotion, which sounded like ships, and within minutes, Din was back inside of the ship. You and the frog lady went down to greet him and he walked inside, sighing. “Alright. I’m gonna repair the cockpit enough for us to limp to Trask. There’s nothing I can do about the main hull’s integrity,” he said and you batted at the air above you to clear a web away from your face, “... so we’re going to have to get cozy in the cockpit. It’s the only thing I can pressurize,” he explained, “if you need to use the privy, do it now it’s gonna be a long ride,” he finished and then turned to you. He nodded toward the cockpit while the frog lady waited for some privacy and you slowly crawled up the ladder into the cockpit. He followed behind you and once you were both inside with the door shut, you heard him let out a loud snort and then his chest began to shake. He was fucking laughing at you. Your jaw dropped, “Din Djarin! Stop that!” You commanded but he didn’t stop. You crossed your arms indignantly and he grabbed your waist, pulling you against his chest, “We’re gonna die we’re gonna die!” He playfully mocked and laughed a bit more, silently. You slapped his chest and he pulled you into a tight hug, which you reluctantly returned. “You’re so mean,” you huffed and you could hear the smile in his voice. “And you’re so dramatic,” he countered and you raised your eyebrows, laying your head down on his chest plate. “‘The scariest thing down here is me,’” you mocked in return and he chucked, shaking his head. “Still is.” “Shut up, Mandalorian,” you mumbled and rolled your eyes, “you’re so lucky I love you,” you said dramatically as you sighed. “Yeah, yeah. I love you too.” And for the record, he was never the scariest thing down there.

#the mandalorian #the mandalorian x reader #din djarin #din djarin x reader #baby yoda #mando x reader #the mandalorian imagine #din djarin imagine #mando imagine #mando x y/n #din djarin x y/n #the mandalorian x you #fanfiction #star wars #the mandalorian fic #din djarin fic

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kaz11283 · 3 years

Text

Only One God For Me

(Part 2 of Love Never Wins)

SUMMARY: After blowing up at him afyer weeks of hiding out you challenge Loki to hand to hand. Blowing up might have been the best thing, it could help you let off that frustration you had built up.

Characters: Nat, Clint, Thor, Loki, avengers on the side line.

(Loki x you, clint x you, Thor x you, Nat x you)

ANNOUNCEMENT: I didnt know how much part 1 was going to be but I am forever greatful in this amazing community! Thank you guys SO much! Check out my other stuff too if you like this. As always reblog, ask, comment, and like! After I finish up here I'll be back to writing for Fire and Ice. Thank you again so SO much for everything! 💚💚💚

Loki Master List

~~~~

You and Nat were standing at one end of the training area as Loki walked in. You glanced up from Nat wrapping your hands and noticed he was wearing his normal traing gear. Plain leather black pants with a dark green Henley, his hands already wrapped.

"Focus, your getting distracted." She said yanking on one of the straps.

"Ow. I cant help it Nat, we went from cant keep our hands away from each other to literally fist fighting each other. Ya know this is normally frowned upon is normal society." You streched your fingers out and balled them back up streching out the gloves a little.

"Hunny, even in a perfect world were anything but normal. I mean for god sakes your fighting a literal god. You remember what I taught you. Right?" She asked looking almost terrified for me.

"Yes mother, I havent forgotten. This is gonna be a piece of cake." Inside you were freaking out. You normally was in a very high spot with your bow or normally trying to break into the computers. You wasnt normally in hand to hand combat, but you were smarter than to think you would never need it.

You turned shaking you head and putting the mouth piece in your mouth. Hitting you fist together jumping back and forth getting ready. Loki just stood there smirking. You was gonna smack that smirk off his face.

"Hey sis, Im not saying you cant beat him just be careful. He throws a nasty left hook." Clint said munching on some chips."Thanks, Hawk. Mind explaining why the rest of the team is here?" You mumbled around the mouth piece.

"Thor, definitely Thor." He said walking back to the small group that gathered.

"Sweetheart. Are we gonna fight or are you just gonna stand there chit chatting?" He called across the mat.

"I'm coming." You walked across the mat to the center. Someone hit a bell signaling for the fight to start and he jumped toward you. You dodged his first attemped and circled him slowly. You could read his every move, read where he was going next.

You took a defence stance that Nat had taught you from your training before he lunged again. This time you managed to upper cut him in the side knocking some of the wind from him.

"Oh you little minx. I figured I would take it easy on you but we can play your way also." This time he took a step back centering himself. Looking up you noticed he had a dangerous look in his eye.

"I didnt invite you here to take it easy on me, I invited you because you dont take anything serious. Because if someone like me can beat you in hand to hand then anyone can." You stepped closer to him gauging what move you was going to make next.

He dropped down to the mat attempting to sweep your legs out from under you, he missed one but caught the other causing you to fall. He jumped on top of you pinning your hands above your head. "Now this positions brings back memories." He whispered to you causing your face to turn bring red. You brought your leg up able to wrap it around his waist and slammed him back down to the mat gaining some advantage.

"This one also." He smirked. You raised your fist above you aiming for his face. Whem you brought it down he moved his head causing you to miss. It felt like forever that you were both on the mat neither one gaining aginst the other. A busted lip here a bloody nose there. When the bell rang for a break Nat was in your corner with Clint offering you some water and a rag ti wipe the blood off.

"Sis, I'm try in real hard not to grab an arrow and stabe him with it." Clint said from one side. You could see anger in his eyes.

"Hawk, its fine. Given the circumstance its all good. Its just training in a matter of speaking. Anger is mostly wunning but I got this. I was trained by the best. I'm not even tired." You took another drink of water before going back out to the mat.

"This is fun. I have never seen my brother trying harder to win anything in his life." Thor shouted across the room. "Lady y/n is quite good at sparing. We must fight sometime." Thor laughed.

A few more rounds when and you could feel the weight of the afternoon but you wasjt about to simply throw in the towel just yet. You knew you could get the best of him. You had thrown him back on the mat then he took his feet placing them on your chest shoving you off of him. Before you knew it you were surrounded by multipuls of him.

"Loki we agreed no sedair! This is cheating!" You yelled at them.

"God of Mischief and lies sweetheart. Besides we're in weird predicaments all the time. You said so yourself. Tell you what. You find the real me and I'll forfeit." One of the clones said. You stood up in the middle of them all focusing everything you had on concentrating, ignoring Clint yelling in the background and the rest of the group shouting.

You opened your eyes zeroing in on one closest to you and walked up to him.

"Are you sure your right about this decision?" It mocked.

"Yeah. I think I am." You brought the ball of yoyr fist up crashing it into Loki's nose. The rest of the clones disappered as he fell to his knees in front of you. "You are a complete and utter asshole Loki Odinson. I hope that it messes with you for a while that you got beat by a mortal." You started unwrapping your gloves as you walked away.

Over the next few weeks you avoided every living space in the tower that you knew he would be in. It had truly hurt you that he had cheated during the fight. You still couldnt understand how just months before you couldn't keep your hands off of each other now you were both avoiding each other like the plague.

"Miss y/n. Team has a mission. Tony wants everyone in the confrence room dressed and ready in 15 minutes." JARVIS called pausing your movie. With a roll of your eyes you walked to your bedroom to start getting ready. Pulling out your tight skinny jeans a black tank top and your zip up hoodie you French braided your hair and grabbed your bow case before heading down.

The rest of the team was gathered when you walked in and placed your case on the table opening it up to make sure everything was right. Streching out the strings and making sure the sights were spot on aiming them to the other side of the room where Loki stood.

"It would be more effecitve if you had an arrow." Clint whispered next to you.

"Shut up, I'm just making sure everything is right." You put it back down in the case and started going over your arrows.

"You realize we have a place you can put that when your not using it." Tony said walking around you.

"Right up your ass if you suggest that again." You laughed putting everything back up.

"Love the enthusiasm kid." Tony laughed walking to the front of the table.

"Ok Team, going to be a long few days for us. Just got some Intel about a caravan carrying some explosives across the Scandinavian border. Gonna have to divide into teams for this one. Hawk, Nat, Strange, Rodgers, Bruce, and Thor you'll be starting at the meeting point and working your way toward us. The rest is with me." Tony pulled a map up on the big screen showing where you wwre going.

"Oh come on, why cant I be with the A team?" You asked with a groan.

"Sorry kid, gotta divide it up right. One god for each, one Archer. Only fair. And even if you two hate each other you guys work good together." Tony shrugged.

"Yeah sorry kid." Clint laughed.

"Hey I'm a full three minutes older that you. Probably explains why I'm better. Whatever. I'll go pack my stuff." You huffed standing up.

The next two hours seems to drag by, it was freezing here. You was just ready to get this over with so that you could go back home and relax in a nice warm bath, you pulled your jacket tighter aginst you.

"I've told you many times that you should start wearing the uniform that they gave you. You'll freeze to death one day." Loki said taking off his cloak and putting it around your shoulders.

"Thanks, but I'm still pissed at you." You hugged it closer. "I hate the whole uniform thing. To tight to revealing."

Another few minutes pass before Tony gives everyone the heads up that your about to be over the caravan. Figuring you were warm enough you took the cloak off and handed it back to him. "You may still be pissed at me but I do still care very deeply for you y/n. I was an idiot for everything." He took it and wrapped it around his shoulders. When his fingers grazed yours there was a surge that went through you.

"Give me time. You really hurt me, not just by breaking up with me but by lying to me during training. Good luck out there God of Mischief."

"Tony, your gonna have to get lower i cant get a clear shot on the driver!" You yelled over the wind whipping around your face. About that time a diffrent arrow shot through gettkng the driver in the side causing the vehicle to completly stop.

"Gotta be faster than that sis. One for me." Clint laughed over the com.

"You are my least favorite person right now Hawk." You mumbled. Tony brought the Quinn Jet down so your team could spread out.

"That is truly saying something my dear." Lokis smooth voice said in your ear.

"You gave me your cloak to keep me warm. Gave you a fell points." You pulled back again and shot it through the truck behind the first hitting the driver in the head. "Got one, Hawk, your next."

"Can we cut the chatter. Got alot going on in the sky at the moment." Tony said. Youbcould here something firing above you looking up you could see Tony being followed by a jet firing at him. "Need some back up guys. Twins. Anyone."

"Hawk. I need a Boom Boom stick." You met him in the middle of the road.

"I really wish you wouldnt call them that." He said handing you one. You both pulled your bows back and aimed. "Heads or tails?"

"I like the tails." You let go of the sting and watched as the jet exploded.

"I think she can call them whatever she wants as long as she keeps doing a good job keeping bogies off my ass." Tony yelled over the coms.

"I hate this. I cant see shit down here." You yelled over to Clint. "I gotta get higher." You looked around eyeballing the turnes over truck. You threw the bow across your back and started climbing up the truck. Shots rang around you one grazing your side, before it had started it was like it stopped looking behind you you noticed Loki with his daggers in his hands.

"You need to pay more attention y/n." He scolded you.

"Why pay attention when I have someone keeping an eye out for me." You smiled.

"Oh darling Im doing more than just keeping an eye out." After everything that ass had done to you he was flirting FLIRTING with you.

"Y/N! No. More. Gods." Clint yelled. From here you could see everything going on. Nat fighting two men, you took one out easily from your spot. She shot you a thumbs up. Bruce had hulked out throwing things everywhere, multiple times you had to dodge something flying your way. The fight was almost over when you glanced behind you noticing four men backing Loki aginst a turned over car.

His hands were up as if in surrender. "Loki why arent you using your sedair?" You mumbled pulling the bow back.

"Well darling you could say that I am in on of those weird predicaments. I've exahusted alot of my power down here." His back was aginst the truck now.

"Could let him get beat up." Clint pipped in as you shot one of your last arrows though two of the guys standing there. You watched Loki easily take out the other two.

"Told you Hawk, I'm not like that." You smiled walking over to Loki. "Although you could use a little practice in hand to hand, dont you agree?"

"Only if your the one practicing with me he smailed down at you.

"Ugh! Y/n! No mo-" Clint started before you pulled the com from your ear.

"Only one God for me." You leaned up kissing Loki on the cheek.

~~~~

Tag List:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

#loki avengers #loki laufeyson #loki odinson #loki #loki and thor #loki daily #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #loki x reader #loki fluff #loki x y/n #loki x you #lokilaufeyson #loki one shot #mcu loki

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sapphicmsmarvel · 4 years

Text

SG: Livewire JR

masterlist

the first story in my livewire jr series!

Okay so this is a marvel x dc crossover, the reader is an inhuman (as well as Leslie because you two are sisters in this) and instead of the terrigen crystals transforming the inhuman person, the electrocution and supergirls DNA helped transform Leslie.

And you, transformed before Leslie so she hates you. You are also more powerful than her.

(For those who never watched Agents of SHIELD, inhumans are a breed of humans who have alien DNA in them. And the powers get awakened by terrigen crystals, terrigen crystals can get attached to any person, but only inhumans survive. And they will survive as a normal person with powers or become a monster)

The reader is also related to Lincoln from AOS. Spoiler warning for those who have not watched the entirety of season 3 of AOS.

Idk i just think this backstory is cool! And it was really freaking fun to write! This story has been in my head for (not joking) three years and i finally got to write it!!

(also im totally rewriting the end of the livewire episode, it fits my story better😂)

You learned to be invisible.

Being an Inhuman with a psycho power hungry family that abused you both physically and mentally as well as emotionally; you learned to hide in plain sight.

Your brother, the only person you loved in your shithole family died. His girlfriend, Daisy, went AWOL after and then you left SHIELD.

There was nothing without Lincoln, you wanted a fresh start so you moved to National City. Fitzsimmons had tried reaching out but you told them you’d come back if they needed help but you couldn’t be around somewhere that Lincoln lived.

Your parents told you to keep an eye on Leslie, so you went to National City and that was your version of following your parents rules.

Once Leslie fucked up and you could send her away, you would be from your helicopter parents.

Leslie was the loose canon that always listened to mommy and daddy. You listened and followed what they said, and you were good at it. Being evil. Lincoln….Lincoln challenged and then broke away when he was eighteen and took you with him. Showed you that being evil wasn’t okay and neither was hurting innocents. Then years and years later, Daisy taught you more good morals to have.

She became the sister you were proud to have, she still called you sister-in-law even though Lincoln was gone and they didn’t get married.

Your heart sank, you flipped over your phone, it had a clear case and there was a polaroid of you, Lincoln and Daisy. Gemma took it, you three were smiling cheesily.

You looked up at National City’s version of Times Square. It was your sister’s photo.The headline read, “Radio star injured in near helicopter crash, Supergirl saves the day.” You sighed.

Damnit.

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You hated hospitals, the smell, the suffocating walls and feeling of death. You would need to take about five showers after this.

You walked passed a cute girl in glasses with Leslie’s boss. She was blonde and had adorable blushy cheeks. They went redder when you smiled at her, and when you walked away you looked over your shoulder and caught her staring at you. You winked as you turned the corner.

Your dating life in National City has been scarce. It was fun to flirt, it made you feel happy that somebody paid attention to you since your parents didn’t.

That happy feeling diminished when you walked into her room.

Leslie was gone.

You walked around the room, the thing about having lightning as your power and in your DNA was that you could detect amounts in the air, like static. And there was a smell to you, it was metal.

It reeked of metal and the static choked your throat. You quickly fled the room and walked as quickly as you could down the halls. Trying to follow the smell like a dog. Leslie was considered a disappointment in your family.

The terrigen didn’t work for her, she was considered a dud. But you guess this crash awakened something. Something powerful in a horrible person.

You had work to do.

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Daisy had taught you a few things about hacking. You traced her cell signal all day, random power surges in the city, her credit and debit cards. Anything.

It was late at night when she started heading towards CatCo. You raced to get there, if you didn’t, Cat was gonna die.

You hacked into the security cameras at CatCo from your phone, Supergirl and Cat were in Cat’s office. Cat Grant was most likely the first target on Leslie’s list. Supergirl might be next, you knew that Supergirl would be hard to kill but Leslie was hellbent on hating her.

Even sexualized her on her radio show, it was disgusting. Especially coming from another woman.

You traveled through the electric wired through the building and popped in at the doorway of the office. But with Supergirls hearing, she heard you. She spun around, her cape following dramatically. She pushed Cat Grant behind her. Her eyes, glowing.

“Easy, laser eyes, relax. I’m not a threat.” You held out your hands, showing you had no visible weapons, she didn’t know of what ran in your veins just yet.

“Who are you and why are you here? Office hours are closed.” Cat said.

“If you think I work for your office, you truly are unobservant for a boss. I would think someone of your social status would make sure she knew everyone in her building to insure your own safety.”

“You really aren’t helping your case, as far as I’m concerned you are a threat.” Supergirl stood her ground, which wasn’t surprising to you.

You sighed. “I’m Leslie’s sister.” You said to Supergirl. “And I want her locked up as much as you do.”

They both stopped in their tracks and spun around, shock coloring their faces. Cat Grant walked towards you. “What? Leslie doesn’t have a sister. She never mentioned one to me and I was her mentor.”

“Yeah, Les doesn’t enjoy the fact that we share a father so it’s not shocking that she never mentioned me.” You shrugged then stepped closer to Cat, Supergirl eyed you. “Relax, I’m here to stop Leslie.”

“You knew about her powers?!”

“Yeah, in fact, Supergirl, I have the same exact powers Leslie has.” You swallowed, ignoring nerves.

“How is that possible?” Supergirl asked.

“I’m what they call an Inhuman. Thousands of years ago aliens came to earth and mated with humans. There are thousands, possibly millions of Inhumans out there who have no idea what they are.”

“And your point?” Cat asked.

“My point is, we aren’t well known. But, my other point was, use me to lure Leslie or something.” “Use you?” “Leslie has always had a problem with me. She was desperate for not only our parents approval but our brothers. Then, he died. She moved to National City, I followed because she’s got a lot of anger issues and sooner or later, she’d come in contact with terrigen and maybe it would work this time.” You stepped closer to Supergirl, “or some other alien component that reformed her DNA and made her a monster with anger problems.”

“Am I supposed to apologize for saving peoples lives?” Kara asked, getting in your face.

“No, but if you would’ve let her die then my life would be a hell of a lot easier.” You hissed.

“What a sweet sentiment sissy,” you heard that bitches voice, you all spun to face the many, many TV screens on Cats wall.

“Leslie, the people you’re hurting are innocent.” You said,

“Innocent?!” She laughed, “you’re standing with Cat Grant, she is not innocent.”

You looked at Cat Grant, “I feel like Cat was more nurturing to you than our own mother.” You deadpanned.

“I gave her one hug.” Cat recalled.

“Yeah, that makes you more nurturing than our mother.” You said.

Then Leslie let out a blast. You all flew back, you bashed into the glass wall, Supergirl went flying out the doorway and then Cat fell onto the couch. Then Leslie went for Cat.

You pulled energy from the lightbulbs in the room, and then shot in front of Cat, putting a forcefield in front of her. “Oh my God,” Cat said, gasping at the sight of you in front of her. You heard Supergirl walk closer and then pause.

The room was lit up in purple and blue. Leslie’s powers were blue, yours were purple. Your eyes glowed like hers. It was a terrifying sight, and you knew it.

You used your leg strength to push her back, she flew into Cat’s desk. You leaned down and gently but quickly got Cat back on her feet. You rushed towards Supergirl who was still staring at you in shock at your powers, “I told you, I wasn’t a threat to you.”

Then Leslie threw a bolt at Supergirl, and while you knew that she could handle herself, you wouldn’t let her get hurt. Or anyone get hurt at the hands of Leslie ever again. You pushed Supergirl and Cat Grant out of the way as you shot out at Leslie. You kept the power streaming at her powerfully as she got pushed back, “negative on negative, sista.” You said, “doesn’t work out too well.”

She screamed in agony as you pushed her further into the floor, you pushed her further into the ground, “call your friends.” You said to Supergirl. “She’s getting locked up, for good.”

“Too much of a pussy to kill me.” Leslie choked.

You gritted your teeth, and used your free hand to deck her.

She fell to the floor with a thud, your knuckles throbbed as you watched blood come out of her mouth. You sighed, then used your electricity to form a net around her to hold her.

“I called someone to come get her,” Supergirl said. “I didn’t know...her powers could do that.” She said, gesturing to the net.

“She can’t.” You said, kicking the bottom of her boot. “I can because I’m stronger than her.”

Supergirl nodded, “respect.”

Cat went to the hospital (with a lot of pushing) while you guys waited for Leslie to be taken away. Your makeshift jail cell glowing as Supergirl asked you, “how’d you take her down?”

You folded your arms, “science. Negative on negative energy never goes well.”

“And you seriously want her put away?” Her head cocked, it was adorable. She was like a cute puppy.

You nodded, “my family sucks ass.” You deadpanned, “Leslie was the worst of them, the only relative I got along with was my brother.”

“You said he died.”

You nodded, “he saved the freaking world and nobody knew it.” Tears rimmed your eyes, Lincoln was always a sore subject. “He’s a hero, and I promised him once that I’d take down Leslie if her powers ever happened.” You sighed, wiping away your tears. “I guess I have no purpose now,” you shrugged, chuckling to yourself out of sadness. “My parents are psychopaths, my brother is dead and my sister is locked up forever.”

“Do you want another purpose?” She asked walking up to you as DEO people came up the elevator with tech to transport her.

You looked at her, “yeah, I do.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three months later:

Kara and you were having a platonic (to your sadness) picnic on the top of CatCo. Cat Grant knew of your abilities and your superhero name, Sparks.

In your opinion, you thought it was cheesy, but you’re starting to enjoy Cat and she has kept your secret. You had a mask on your face now when you were Sparks. So you could still walk around without having a disguise.

You also knew that Kara was Supergirl because you two worked together. She told you the second you signed on to the role of being the darker hero of National City.

Yes, they called you ‘the night to Supergirl’s day.’ People said you were ‘the ‘evil’ version of Supergirl’. To be fair, you did have different attack methods than Kara did and you did admit that you were not as kind-hearted as Kara was. You did not believe everyone was good like she did.

It was one of the things you loved about her. Her good soul. You were surrounded in darkness your entire life, as well as sheer evil, your parents were not kind people.

“So,” Kara said munching on cheese. “You never told me something.”

“Hmm?” You asked, you thought you had told Kara everything.

“How did your brother save the world?”

You scoffed, looking at the sunset, “there was this creature, Hive, he was a sort of virus thing I guess. I’m honestly not too sure what he was. Nothing could kill him, guns, superpowers, lethal injection, absolutely nothing. He could adapt to any planet but he needed a planet for his power. So, Lincoln trapped him in a space shuttle, then drove them both into space and blew it up. He kept Hive from making this world into something horrible. Nobody will ever know. Our parents found out and said he was a disgrace for killing something like that. They said Hive was amazing.” You wiped your tears.

“You never talk about your parents,” Kara said fiddling with her glasses, she did that whenever she was anxious.

“That’s for a reason.” You said, eating the baguette with homemade pizza deep. Cooking helped you cope.

“You can talk about it with me if you want.” She offered.

You smiled lightly, “my parents are cruel people Kara. The thing with our lineage is that we are perceived as villains. Even at the refugee camp that my brother and I sought solace at, those people feared us because of our ancestors. They had a right to, my family did awful things. My parents raised me to be evil, Leslie is the only one who turned out how they wanted but she was messy.” You grimaced, “they said she did things sloppy, and brash. I was neat, I did what mommy and daddy said until Lincoln showed me the issues.”

“What were the issues?”

“Killed anyone who went against them. I thought, since I was raised that way, it was normal. Then I met a woman named Daisy, she showed me that killing willing nilly was bad-don’t look at me like that, I was raised way and I fixed my attitude when I was thirteen.” You scolded as she gave you a look.

“My parents….they think I’ll come around, but I will never be that way again. I hated it. It always felt wrong to me, but my parents called me broken, stupid, ignorant. They’d beat me around if I didn’t hurt someone.”

“How many have you hurt?”

“I used words not violence, I killed two people and I still know their names, I still know how it felt. It was awful. I still think I’m a bad person, isn’t that crazy? I think I’m crazy for not being a sociopath or psychopath.”

“It shows you have a soul.” Kara answered, “it shows you are no longer that person, that you’ve not only grown from your mistakes, but you learned from them.”

You shuddered a breath, “I never want to kill again, I can fight to defend with no problem but I will not kill again if I don’t have to. But I will kill if someone's safety is in jeopardy, no problem.”

Kara grabbed your hand, “you give me hope.”

You scoffed, “I give you hope? Babygirl you need a new role model.”

She blushed at the nickname, it made you feel better to flirt with her, but at the same time broke your heart because you were falling hard for her. You didn’t flirt with anyone. You flirted with the girl you really, really liked.

The girl who stuck her neck out for you. Who vouched for you and gave you this amazing life. You couldn’t mess this up.

#supergirl #lena luthor #supercorp #kara zor el #kara danvers #kara x reader #kara x y/n #kara x you #supergirl x reader #supergirl x y/n

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moonguilt · 5 years

Note

please give me more kl headcanons.😔

OKAY people this got WAY out of hand and i wrote 7 pages of an entire au plotline so uh. sorry everybody but it’s gonna be split into at least a couple different postswe’ll call this CHAPTER 1: (chapter 2 can be found HERE)I roleplay on MMORPGs so you’re gonna have to deal with my self indulgent online roleplaying AU. There will be klance but I have to SET THE STAGE first so bear with me. basically this is just multiplayer online video game roleplaying garbage. on that note, enjoy.

hunk and pidge were the first ones to discover the video game “Voltron.” they dicked around on it just to test out the game controls and perhaps get coding ideas for a game they are trying to create, but they ended up kinda enjoying it. the gameplay has its issues but is overall pretty fluid.

hunk plays a rogue. he has to turn the game volume down sometimes because of the gross gorey noises the game makes when he stabs people. he probably would have rerolled as a different class just to escape the gruesome sound effects, but he really likes being able to enter stealth. he says it makes him feel “safe”

pidge plays a mage. hunk is under the impression that it’s because she wants to play a class with high intelligence points, and pidge doesn’t correct him. but really she just likes the idea of turning her enemies into frogs

shiro is hanging out with matt one day and ends up watching pidge play. he wants to be Hip and Cool so he decides to create a trial account and see if he likes it. turns out, he’s TERRIBLE at the actual gameplay (his computer reflexes are Bad and he keeps dying to basic mechanics on literally every boss fight. matt downloads the game and creates a priest out of pity just to help keep shiro alive while he levels)

“this is demeaning for everyone involved”

“you’re the one who has died seven times now to haxus. literally all you have to do is not stand in the fire. you’re a FULLY ARMORED PALADIN TANK how are you dying so quic—wait a minute. shiro. shiro why are you still wearing your level 1 starting gear.”

however, he finds out that the server they’re playing on has a roleplaying community! he figures he doesnt need swift reflexes to roleplay, so he starts dipping his toe into RP and discovers he really likes it. he enjoys writing stories about his heroic character, and enjoys combining those stories with the stories of other people he meets in the game. it’s like collaborative fantasy fiction writing, and it quickly becomes a passion of his

pidge and matt tease him endlessly for it. hunk is an angel and is very supportive of shiro’s new hobby. he is the only one who will listen to shiro gush about his character. unfortunately when shiro designed the character, he did not have a good grasp on roleplay, so the character is goofy looking and has an overly dramatic backstory involving dragons and a lost royal bloodline. hunk kindly chooses not to comment on it, and instead helps him develop new ideas and plots for his character’s adventures

eventually shiro manages to convince hunk to give RP a try. hunk is very careful and does a lot of research on the Voltron universe lore. he reads all the fanmade wiki pages, roleplaying guides on the game forums, etc., until he feels confident he can create a good character. he does (and eventually goes on to be a popular community figure who hosts huge server events and is friends with literally everyone, but that is several months down the line), and he and shiro begin their roleplaying adventures together

hunk gets Really Into It. fast. like faster than shiro. and he takes it SERIOUSLY; he is a total lore nerd & WILL tell you (in a very gentle, caring tone) if your character’s story/actions do not comply with the game’s established lore

“your character’s outfit is so cool! btw tho, I noticed you mentioned your character was born in the castle of lions—just wanted to let you know, it was actually only rediscovered and unlocked about 10 years ago in the game’s timeline, so it wouldn’t really make work for your character to be born there, since they’re 27 D: but if you want I can help you come up with a different birthplace :)”

keith, lance, and allura had thus far managed to resist the voltron bug. they just aren’t into mmorpg stuff, they insist. single-player games, sure, but open-world multi-player? sounds weird

lance falls first. Hunk hits him with the puppy dog eyes and its all over for him

he creates the most ridiculously beautiful character he can

“i dont care about whether my guy is a freaking dps or not, hunk, i need him to have an ass like a kardashian. WHERE IS THE BUTT SLIDER HUNK. i have a NICE ASS and i want it IMMORTALIZED IN PIXEL FORM”

he does, in fact, end up picking dps. hunk shows him the archer class and he lights up like a christmas tree

“i know you always wanted to bone legolas, so”

“i wanted to BE legolas, not BONE him, HUNK”

“sure lance”

allura falls next. her and lance’s weekly “self-care spa sessions” turn into lance rambling about all the wacky stuff he and hunk and shiro got up to that week, and she eventually cracks under the pressure because she Hates when there’s a new fad and she doesn’t understand it

“and then this guy came up to us and started roleplaying with us in ALL LOWER CASE and shiro and i wanted to d i e but hunk was all ‘nooo he’s just a newbie in need of some pointers’ and then spent the next TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES giving this guy tips and tricks about grammar and punctuation–”

within 2 days she has gotten almost halfway through leveling her new druid healer because she is Determined damn it

coran, allura’s uncle, also begins playing shortly thereafter. allura never says why exactly, but it does seem to be a direct result of her influence somehow. he plays a gunslinger class because he’s “always wanted to be a ‘rooting & tooting cowboy,’ as you call it!”

for whatever reason, he is Very Good at the game, like freakishly skilled. everyone is kind of afraid to question it so they just accept it and move on

he and pidge are really the only ones who are focusing on the actual game content anymore, so they start doing high-level raids together and then begin to gain something of a reputation as a terrifying duo in player-versus-player combat.

keith is resilient. he is a notoriously stubborn boy and no amount of puppy dog eyes from hunk or persuasive lectures from shiro will convince him to step outside his comfort zone

but lance, well. lance knows exactly how to get keith to do what he wants

“i bet you just know my character’s way cooler than yours would be”

“?? no. i literally dont care about your character or anybody else's”

“huh. guess i will just always be better at video games than you”

“are you seriously still trying to hold your killbot phantasm score over my head. you got lucky”

“i am the peerless king of video games–”

“are you listening to yourself. do you actually hear the words coming from your mouth.”

“–undefeated because you are too much of a coward–”

“fuck OFF send me the fucking download link you loudmouth”

keith takes. forever. to design his character.

lance is leaning over the back of keith’s chair, giving outrageous suggestions (and blatant lies) that keith pointedly ignores

“keith. keith if you give him neon orange hair it boosts your speed, did you know that?”

“choosing big ears gives you greater perception stats keith”

“keith listen to me, you gain the ability to breathe underwater if you choose a broken nose—OW, what the hell–”

keith takes SO LONG that eventually lance has to leave for dance lessons and when he gets back keith is only JUST finishing up

turns out he took so long because he wanted to use every resource available in the game to make the character look like a carbon copy of himself. the end result would have been impressive if it wasn’t so eerily accurate

“you’re seriously naming him keith kogane.”

“it’s my name!”

“keith it’s a ROLEPLAYING game. you’re supposed to play a ROLE”

“and my role is keith kogane.”

“that doesnt even fit the naming conventions for the humans in this game! hunk would be having a FIT right now if he was here”

“good thing he’s not”

keith selects the warrior class because, as lance repeatedly and petulantly insists, he is a “boring basic bitch fuckboy”

“im the fuckboy?? thats rich coming from a guy who plays an archer because he has a big fat crush on orlando bloom in a blond wig”

“HUNK is spreading LIES okay I do NOT have a cru–”

“i dont know what you see in him. he’s literally just a white lotor”

“you TAKE THAT BACK”

to be continued :)

#gfkjhdgfDGF im a mess i spent my ENTIRE day and night on this why am i like this kill me #i havent written anything for vld in a long time and it HIT me and i just got carried away :( perhaps i miss them #klance #video game au #headcanon #vld #moonguilt content

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thisartofeveryday · 4 years

Text

For those of you who thought I should make my life story into a book…here is the outline. For the sake of clarity as you are reading, let me explain who the characters are. The kids from my Dads first marriage: Jim1, Patty, Seana. The kids from my Mom’s (Mary Ellen) first marriage: Mary Jane and Jim2. My brother that I am a full sibling to is Charles (chuck).

I think you might know that 95% of our lives are lived from the unconscious mind. From birth to age 7 a childs mind is in Theta wave (hypnosis) and everything that they learn in those years (mainly through observation and repetition) is the program that their minds run for their entire lives. Knowing this – I look back on the first 7 years of my life.

I think we moved 7 times in those 7 years. I am certain it was because of Dads extreme anger management problems and the fact that he is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. Zero stability or chance to make lasting friendships. My dad was sexually abusing me and unpredictably violent. I was terrified of him. I was being terrorized/bullied by my brother, Chuck, who was every bit the sociopath that my dad is. My mom was overwhelmed by the number of children she was responsible for - none of which she actually wanted- and add to that, her husband was sexualizing all of the kids, so really being the last of her kids I was the last of her problems. Being the youngest (and as traumatized as I was), I was quiet and easy to forget about or push to the side. The older kids were the ones in the spotlight and where all the attention went. They were enrolled in activities and they were more the same age, so they were a unit. I was just an observer of them. I felt so left out and forgotten. Always.

I was a mistake and a burden (dads exact words to me on my 11th birthday). Mom made sure I knew that she thought I was mentally retarded- she would joke about it all the time. (I guess she never made peace with her sister being autistic) She also loved humiliating me even when I made it clear she was hurting me. Remember her sausage fingers joke or how many years I got called Boomer? I absolutely hated both of those things, made it clear, and yet she refused to give up the name calling and humiliation. There was very little respect for my personal boundaries. Dad would assault me in the middle of the night and I would wet the bed out of fear- then he would make me sleep in it to teach me a lesson. Mom would do nothing to help me, though she was awake in the middle of the night when I would work up the courage to go into their room to ask for help. She let him treat me like that. Goddamn…I remember the night terrors and being scared to be in my room at night because the scary man was sitting in the rocking chair, in the dark, next to my bed.

I have a memory of being in the garage in our house in South Windsor. I was playing with our basset hound, General…I was crawling around on the floor and the dog mounted me and was dry humping me. Dad got this sick laugh and let it happen. Mom walked in and got mad at him, but did nothing to help me. My personal boundaries were nonexistent. Nobody was protecting me from him. I remember him eating the food off my plate at dinner…or kissing me on the ear or touching me when I would tell him I hated it and to stop. I remember the baths dad would have me take with him and how he taught me to touch and work his dick. I remember the photos he would take of me after the bath. I remember being 7 years old and trying to lay on his bed and be sexy enough for him. I remember kissing mom passionately the way that dad taught me to and mom getting upset and asking me where I learned that. I remember having a baby doll that I drew all over, angrily, with lipstick. I remember being scared because my ass was bleeding and I told mom while her brother and sisters were visiting and she shushed me and scurried me away. I remember him also beating the shit out of me…sometimes for no reason. I remember being deeply attracted to and absolutely terrified of him. I was 7. These are the only memories I have of my dad. I don’t remember him being there for me, or interested in me as a person, or engaged in anyway. I just remember him being what I now know is a predator.

7 to 13: I remember some stability in Connecticut because we stayed there for three years… but I also remember having moments of being deeply depressed and hiding in the basement of the house writing notes that I hoped someone would find, asking for help to get me out of there. When I look back, those were my first experiences with disassociation from stress and waves of major depression. While I was being assaulted during those years, those years were all about Mary Jane, Seana, and Jim2. These three had each other. These three were a team. I was just an observer to your lives. I had no voice, no opinion, no importance, never truly included and absolutely my feelings went unheard and did not matter. We can say it was the age difference, sure, that’s part of it…but that’s also just an excuse. Things could have been done to validate my importance too. I had Charles bullying me….I had my Dad assaulting me. I was so alone.

My internal voice wants to shout: Why did nobody see this? Why did nobody help me? Where were my siblings? I guess everyone was doing the best they could…

Literally anyone looking in knowing the truth could have easily assessed that this was a horribly destructive environment for any child to grow up in. I know dad was doing this to all the kids. I wasn’t the only one. It is absolutely stunning to me that through the years of my life I have consistently been blamed by my Mary Ellen (narcissist/borderline personality disorder) and the people who chose to listen to her twisted opinions that there was something wrong WITH ME. I mean, logically the mental health issues I have faced my entire life are perfectly normal and healthy reactions to a situation that was deeply flawed. But somehow the blame has always fallen on me.

The very first thing I think when I think of my mom is her asking me “Whats wrong with you Melissa”. Ive lost count of how many times she has asked me that very question.

I now know that its just deflection. Queen Narcissist cant take responsibility for her actions so she puts it on the person who she always denied a voice. That’s nice. Very loving and motherly. Doesn’t fix the 40 some odd years of my life that I believed her and wanted to die.

Right around age 9 or 10, we move again. I remember it being a big scandal – I think the truth came about that my dad is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. (By the way, that’s in my DNA. I get to live my life connected to that. I look just like my dad. I think like a Painter. It’s fucking unsettling.) I remember all the pressure to say nothing about the move and to constantly behave as though we were the perfect family and nothing was wrong. So incredibly demented.

I remember a HUGE fight about Seana and Jim2 staying behind in Connecticut. (by the way: I also remember Jim1 leaving for the Marines and wondering where my brother went and why he never talked to me. At one point he came back to visit and gave me a beautiful geisha doll in a glass box that mom destroyed in a fit of anger at me…she intentionally violently knocked it off the top of my dresser in one of her vindictive off the handle rages…Im sure at 8 years old I totally did something to deserve it, right.)

And, of course I remember the night Seana was killed. (why did the man that killed her not serve jail time? Why are bad people never held accountable?) Dad wasn’t there. Again, Dad wasn’t there. As I recall he was having an affair with some woman in Arizona? Mom was already distraught to be back in Michigan. That night, I remember being awake before the call came in…watching the clock radio in my bed… it had a short in the wire that would spark. I was listening to the Beatles: My guitar gently weeps…. To this day, I hate the Beatles.The phone rang. Mom screamed to you “Mary Jane, OMG, Seana is Dead”. I didn’t understand what happened. I just knew we were packing up like we did so many times before to take yet another long drive across country. It felt to me like another move. I didn’t understand death or that my sister was gone forever. I didn’t get it.

(an aside: I struggled in school. When I was in Beginning Algebra One for some reason that class would make me check out and I would always soul travel to the night Seana was killed and it felt like it was happening to me. I took that class 4 times including summer school before I passed.)

(later, when I was maybe 13, my dog got hit by a car in the street and now I knew what death was so I freaked out like Mom did when Seana died and I remember Mom shaming me: You cried more over than damn dog than you did at your sisters funeral. Very nice. Very motherly. Very supportive and kind of her.)

At Seanas funeral, I remember not knowing what was expected of me. I was just so focused on getting it right and who I was supposed to kiss (because that sexualized stuff was already so ingrained).

There were so many goddamn rules for behavior, (rich white republican ex-military country club going family that we were) and I remember getting it wrong and being scowled at all the time. Mom was always angry and stressed out. We had to BE someone and over and over again: “Don’t forget the family name” and how important our clan was (hilarious that she kept the Sterling last name because her current husband is too ethnic and this sounds classier to her than her own actual last name)….

Meanwhile, My developing sense of self was being assaulted and neglected/ignored out of me and I felt wrong all the time for every single action I took.

I think we moved back to North Carolina briefly and then to Florida? Whatever the case….

Then we move again. Again. Again. Now we are in Florida. Im 10. My parents are getting divorced. Mom is deeply goddamn depressed. My family is falling apart. I don’t know where my brothers and sister are. Everything is exploding. Im powerless and hostage to all this. I cannot underline the importance of that sense of being hostage to a situation that I was powerless to escape and having my feelings and my personhood completely ignored and erased. It consumed me. I wanted to die. I am, as always, the least of moms concerns.

In Florida I was so incredibly dissociative. I was experiencing C-PTSD. I remember feeling numb all over. Having no ability to react to this little girl that fell off her bike in front of me….I just stared at her…the adults nearby yelled at me for doing nothing. I went further into my head. I was so checked out. People just thought I was quiet or shy or retarded. I was deeply traumatized and needed help.

I remember Mary Jane and I sitting on the bed watching this music video by The Cars. In the video there is a woman who is laughing and crying. I remember asking MJ what she was doing because I do that too and I think she told me she was having a mental break down.

I remember getting a Walkman and listening to the Police nonstop. That was my only retreat from how much I hurt. WHY DID NOBODY SEE THIS AND HELP ME?

I remember during that time that I was given another baby doll. I remember MJ and mom watching me play with it to see what I would do. I felt scared of them both and the creepy way they were lurking to watch me. I felt ganged up on. I couldn’t trust anyone. I was so alone. I wanted to die.

In Florida, I remember my birthday and dad cocking his fist back like he was going to punch me in the face…he did that sick laugh and told me he wished I was never born and that I was a mistake. (later when I told this to Patty she explained he punched her in the face on her 11th birthday. Im related to all that. That’s in my dna.)

My body was changing. I was getting my period. I felt crazy. I was in that HUGE school in Jacksonville and I had no friends and I was so scared. Everything was terrifying….and Dad was getting more unhinged thus Mom has Jim and Lynn move in to protect her and had you come back… and then I remember walking in to the living room in the middle of a sunny afternoon and mom on the pull out sofa, trying to make dad jealous, was fucking the guy who was there to buy the house that we had just moved in to because we were MOVING AGAIN….

Not to mention, I remember MJ and I quickly taking Dads gun to the beach to bury it so he because he wanted to kill us all.

Im not even 13 yet….. Are you exhausted?

Any one of these things would make a fully functioning stable adult fold like a house of cards. “Whats wrong with you Melissa?”…. It took something like 20 years of therapy but now I have some clues to answer that question. Here are some more clues:

We finally make it to Boone. Mom followed her best friend, Mary Jane. After all that… that incredible pressure cooker of my pre teen childhood we arrive in bumfuck nowhere, North Carolina….and everyone is gone except the sociopath brother. The house is basically empty. Everyone abandoned ship. Where did my brothers and sisters go? I remember coming home after school and there would be nobody home. For my entire life I had come home to my family but now there was no one. I would sit on the couch and watch the clock with growing anxiety and cry until mom came home from work. It was beyond torturous. And then she would be pissed off that I needed her because she just got home from work. At this point Mom is just angry and exhausted all the time. She had to get a job outside the home for the first time in her life which she hated, she was sick of being a mom…she wanted it all to be over so she could have HER life. Charles was getting more and more abusive- physically and mentally and had to be sent away for our protection.

And then she starts dating Don Bailey. I think the sex must have been amazing because the guy was an utter low life. He was living off of her/my child support money… and beating the shit out of her. Their fights were never goddamn ending. I would hide in my room after school and not come out. I was so alone. I had no friends and no escape. Mom was friends with Mary Jane, not with me. Mom wanted nothing to do with me. One day we were driving home and I was so attached to her. I needed my mom so goddamn bad… I was struggling to make friends at yet another new school and the PTSD made me feel so distant from everyone but I had no words for what was wrong with me I just thought I was terrible at making friends (I remember this: pathetically I checked out a book at the library: How to be your own best friend)… She pulled the car over and told me “we cant be friends.” Mom has some glorified memory of us driving around looking for our favorite tree in Autumn… the only thing I remember is that conversation…her rejecting me when I needed her the most… after we moved to the town my sister lived in so she could be close to her.

Again, still no help with the major depression, the CPTSD… just a lot of blame “why cant you be happy Melissa…whats wrong with you?” and I cant be clear enough about this: all her spare time at home was spent on Don, not me. I didn’t have clubs and groups and activities that she as sure to enroll me in. I didn’t have my brothers and sisters there with me. It was just me, after all that, trying to figure it out.

I was a burden to her. She couldn’t wait to get rid of me and be done. I felt it always.

An aside: When she was unsure if she wanted to stay in Boone, I remember her asking Charles if we should stay or go back to Florida…after he chimed in with his answer, I gave my opinion which she angrily scoffed at me and told me it didn’t matter what I thought, Id go where they tell me to go. My voice didn’t matter, I was a burden to her. I had no value as a person. I was powerless. So there I was in my bedroom that was the walkway between the living room and her room… at the mercy of whatever happened with no privacy or power over my life….. whats new.

Another aside: During that time we had gotten a dog that was a total pain in the ass for her to take care of. She gave it away while I was at school. I came home and the dog was gone and I was tearful thinking it ran away. She gave my dog away without telling me.

Then we moved out to Valley Crusis (9 miles outside of town…so isolated. I was so alone. The isolation was killing me. Where were my siblings. I needed help. I needed someone who was just there for me.) and Dons abusive behavior got even more extreme. I remember him picking me up from a concert that I was at….because he had sent Mom to the hospital with a sprained wrist and a busted lip. He was laughing about it when he told me to get in the car. Another time I remember Don looming in my bedroom door when Mom was at work and it was just us in the house… telling me: “Go ahead and call the police, nobody will believe you anyway.” I remember the woman who lived up the hill from us, with the curly hair…I think her name was Susan… coming down to the house while Mom and Don were gone and telling me If it ever gets too bad, you can always run up here. The neighbors knew I needed help. Where were my brothers and sisters? Where was my Mom? FUCK.

I remember Mom having many off the handle rages at me because I looked like a boy and my hair was crazy and I was so fucked up. I remember one morning after she had raged at me so hard that I was in stunned silence… we were sitting at breakfast at St Sinners and MJ kept looking at me, she knew something was wrong, I was clearly checked out and fucked up. I needed my sister. I had no voice or ability to speak up. I was scared of her husband, Glenn. Nobody helped me. Mom was the star of the brunch party!

I remember getting my first job at 15 and working at St Sinners…. Then, when mom bought the restaurant I stopped getting paid. She cut me off from my paycheck and told me it was my “duty to the family”… but she had Jim2 and his first wife Lynn there working and they were getting paid…and also stealing her money to fuel their coke habits. She didn’t value me, or my efforts but her golden son Jim can do no wrong even when he is fucking her out of her business.

I remember Jim2 offering me coke at a house party and John Golden and another friend getting me out of there away from my own brother. I remember Lynn being LIVID that I would stop by their house when I was lonely and wanted my family but instead I got shamed for thinking I could stop by and see them…and mom would tell me that “they had BUSY LIVES and I should leave them alone.”

I remember being so fucked up and alone in Boone….I mean, I now know I was just in shock and experiencing major depression. Mom kept asking me Whats wrong with you Melissa…when I was your age I had to choose between boyfriends… etc. Its incredible to me how Mom normalized my childhood abuse and completely erased my feelings or my personhood then blamed me for somehow being a problem child or wrong in whatever way….more incredible: people believed her.

During those years in Boone I remember her doing things like openly making fun of me when I thought I might be gay, fixing regular hamburgers and telling me they were tofu when I became vegetarian…starting a burn pile in the back yard full of toxic things after I told her how important recycling was to me and laughing at me as I cried…..every chance she had to make me feel awful about being me and disrespected she took.

Once I visited her at her office and she told me I was “too ugly to look at and she didn’t want anyone to know I was her daughter and to never come to her office again.”

Shes right, we were not friends. She was a jealous mean girl, obsessed with appearances and her shitty boyfriend.

Lets not forget when she, with Mary Janes help, stacked my portfolio with MJs lithographies and coached me how to lie to get me in to Governors school for the summer. She wanted me gone and she got her wish. I remember feeling like a fraud that summer. I wasn’t good enough to be there. I had to lie to be included. I remember she didn’t even drive me there. She had Don do it. He harassed me in the car all the way there, 3 hours…. then dropped me…16… off on the curb in front of the college and drove away. All the other kids had parents excitedly helping them get set up in their rooms…excited about their major accomplishment of getting in to Governors school… I was there with my milk crate of shit, a fraud. alone. Acting like a tough girl who didn’t need anyone. I was a pro at that. Mission accomplished, she was rid of me.

I remember how deep my depression was becoming by the time I was 18. That last year of high school I would bang my head against my bedroom wall in an attempt to knock myself out, in hopes that I would get sent away to a treatment center or something. I couldn’t take all the fighting between her and Don. I fucking hated him and he was in my house and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to throw myself down the back stairwell at school. I barely graduated high school my depression was eating me alive.

Amazing that nobody IN MY FAMILY SAW THAT I NEEDED HELP. I was invisible. Mary Ellen cast her proclamation that all was well, she was amazing and I was a problem child and that was that.

I have a million stories about Mom demoralizing me during those years…. Whats weird is that I have no memory of my Mary Jane there. I think she was so involved with Glenn and way up the mountain, I had no way to reach her. And I was scared of her husband Glenn. And, we were never close. And, she was Team Mary Ellen…. So I was just alone and wanted to die. Sincerely. Goddamn. Let it end.

I remember Don telling me that Mom was using my child support payment to make her car payment. So I asked her about where my child support was going and she told me she used it for my Blue Cross Blue Shield Insurance…. So I called the insurance company to see if I had coverage…. They had no record of me. She was, again, a liar….

When I graduated high school she couldn’t get me out of the house fast enough. She pawned me off on my boyfriend Gebeaux and expected him to simply take care of me. We broke up. He didn’t sign up for that. I was basically kicked out of the house in valley crusis. I wasn’t prepared for life on my own. I wasn’t ready. She just wanted to be done being a mom so Hey..I came back to the house one day and all my stuff was packed and that was that. I had to figure it out. Fuck me.

At one point during that time I was living in a trailer with my friend Stacy. Mom was horrified about this. I was getting food stamps and she was so ashamed of me for being so low class. She came to the trailer and was completely off the handle. She said there was “no air” in there and grabbed a 2x4 and smashed out all the windows. Mind you from her perspective it was just another example of what a loser I am, living in a trailer on food stamps how did I end up such a piece of shit when she is such a wonderful mother… it must be because there is something inherently wrong about me.

She has seen me as trash who is incapable of being anything great my entire life.

Somewhere in there she stopped dating Don and started dating lawyer Rand Sterling…who broke her ribs multiple times and literally pushed her out of a moving car and then she walked 5 miles back to his house to be with him. That relationship took her to Texas. She followed the money. The insanity of that relationship is all I heard about from her. She needed Jim2 to come protect her from her husband multiple times. I absorbed all of this through her very rare but insane emails to me. She has always used me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground.

I had my first total mental break right around 19 years old. I was fetal position on the floor at my girlfriends house… Jenn… I couldn’t stop crying for multiple days and I felt my mind split in two. I literally went into a black hole and was begging for death. Jenn and the next door neighbor scooped me up off the floor and drove me to the Watauga County Mental Health and got me some help… but at this point I was having a total mental collapse… the part of me that was traumatized was a child denied her voice or any recognition of her Self, so I had no way to articulate what was wrong and Mom had denied and normalized the abuse and denied me voice and my personhood for so long that I had ZERO chance of articulating what was wrong… it was buried so deep inside of me and I was so scared to trust anyone…. I was experiencing schizophrenia and Major depression.

Jenn helped me with my depression. Jenn made sure I was housed and fed. Jenn took care of me. I owe her my life.

I mean, that is an extreme mental health episode. Where was my family? How could none of the people who were supposed to love me the most see any of this? Why did none of them help me? Why did all of them think I was to blame? (my guess: Team Mary Ellen)

Somewhere in that year my friends were moving to Chapel Hill so I packed up the car that my child support paid for and I went down the mountain. She threatened to call the police on me for stealing the car. She told me I needed discipline and needed to go into the Army. She just didn’t know what to do with me…such a problem child. If I remember correctly, you echoed her sentiments. Everyone was always so angry at me for being so wrong and so bad. None of my family (meaning MJ and mom because my brothers had long bailed on me and my extended family has never made a single attempt to reach out to me or know me at all.) were my friend, or loving, kind or compassionate.

I got away….I went to Chapel Hill and lived with my best friends Kerry, Lesley, Julie, and two other guys in Kerry’s Moms rental house. I was working at the Columbia Street Bakery and dating this boy, Richard…. Who happened to be a really abusive drug dealer… who held me down one night and violently orally raped me and when I called mom for help she told me with the exasperation of a mother who had supposedly tried so hard to do the right thing and raise her child with love and support but that child was just tragic and terminally fucked :

“I don’t know whats wrong with you Melissa, I guess you just like the bad boys.”

Again, no self reflection on her behalf…she did nothing to help me.

I didn’t know how to get away from Richard who was playing mind fuck with me and I was getting high with him (LSD) …which was basically, me being drugged and him using me for sex but not being loving or kind in any way (felt like home) Eventually, Richard got busted for selling a page of lsd to an undercover cop and threatened to kill me because he thought it was my fault… so I had to get out of there and I went to New York to chill out and work for the summer at the Omega Institute of Holistic Learning… to just be around hippies and eat good food. I hung out with Baba Ram Dass and Ben & Jerry…and took a class on the whirling dervish… These moments when I wasn’t in the pressure cooker of my life were both brilliant because I needed healing but also the worst because all this trauma would start to surface and I didn’t know what it was or how to speak about it. I would start to shatter again.

I believed it was my fault and there was something inherently wrong with me.

I was so lost. I needed help. I needed a parent or loving compassionate family or someone trusted to guide me through that time in my life. I had no one but my friends from North Carolina who were just as fucked up as me. I needed help. I needed help. Oh my god, I needed help.

Omega ended…I had no money to get out of there, nobody to turn to for help, no clue what to do next, I certainly couldn’t go back to Mom who hated me and was living with Rand so fuck that… I had no idea where my brothers and sisters were and no relationship with them so that wasn’t on my mind as an option…..so I caught whatever ride I could get and ended up in Boulder. One of my friends from Omega hooked me up with her cousin for a month and I tried to make it work… it was basically winter in Colorado at this point and I was out there door canvassing for Green Peace making no money and freezing to death. Just walking door to door for Greenpeace… looking in on other families and their loving lives together. I was so fucking sad. I was hungry and scared and completely out of options. I had to get out of there.

I called Mom for help. She said: “You got yourself into this, get yourself out”…. And hung up on me. The bitch hung up on me. I was stranded and so scared and I needed my mom. She hung up on me. She blamed me. She wanted to punish me for being such a problem. She was done being a mom. She hung up.

I remember having gone to the Planned Parenthood to get some medical help because I was sick. I explained my situation and the nurse looked at me incredulously and said “where are you parents?” I explained to her that Mom hung up on me. I was devastated, living in a constant state of shock. Scared out of my sense of self or ability to connect to the present moment.

I was a fractured soul in every possible meaning.

My month at my friends place was over and I had to find an apartment or live on the streets. It took me another month of begging whatever guy I could find to give me a place to stay and then I contacted the boy I was dating at Omega, Scott, and asked him for money to get a bus back to North Carolina. He helped me. Bless him. He got me out of there.

I got on the Greyhound and ended up going to Idaho to visit with my friend Stacy (who I lived in the trailer with) and stay with her for a couple weeks to get grounded and feel safe with a friend for a minute. My mental break was coming back full force. I was inconsolable. I remember laying on her bed fully having an out of body experience from the stress and being so disoriented. She is so patient and kind. She took care of me. When my time with Stacy was up, the next layer of insanity: I got on the Greyhound and took a 5 day no sleep, no food journey across country. I got chased down, carrying all my bags of things and looking like a little hippie… on a layover, by a group of drunk men in Wyoming…they almost got me but I found a laundromat that was open and full of people so I ran inside and hid until my bus was leaving again. I was terrified. By the time I made it back to Lesley and Kerrys house in Chapel Hill it was New Year night…I got some hours back at the Columbia Street bakery I was working at and got some money rolling in.

I want to mention that Poverty, which I have lived most my life in, is no joke and more damaging than anyone outside of the experience can understand. It is cyclical, like bi polar…. Living paycheck to paycheck or however you get just enough to maybe hold on for a moment longer but never knowing if more will be coming is a terror. Always feeling like the bottom is going to drop out…and never knowing when youre going to eat…and what that does to your hormones and your mental health…. Poverty is proven to damage people on a cellular level and have lasting effects that lead to chronic illness.

After making it back to NC, few weeks later the boy from Omega came to Chapel Hill and told me he wanted to marry me and wanted me to move to Boston with him. So we took a little road trip and eventually ended up in Boston. As a surprise to no one sane, that was not a lasting relationship. So after a year of misery in Boston, (more poverty, more loneliness, more no family) Scott drove me back to Chapel Hill and that’s when the girls and I all moved up to Asheville. All the while, checking in with Mom who was yelling and shaming me for being such a fuck up.

I can’t underline enough: I was disassociating the entire time. I was having episodes of schizophrenia. I was experiencing major depression and bi polar disorder. The stress of my entire life was more than I could handle and I had no support and no compassion and nobody validating my experience or me as a person. People just thought that was who I was. I was just fucked in every way possible and believed she was right and all that was normal and I was a terrible piece of shit. She had everyone believing that.

Mary Jane believed her. She echoed her sentiments to me. Go Team Mary Ellen.

I moved up to Asheville and got somewhat stabilized. I was again living with my friends and I got a decent job at the Laughing Seed Cafe. I met Mark and I had decided to go to college because I thought that would make Mom happy and I needed to DO something with myself.

Mark and I were together maybe 8 weeks before we moved across country and started a life together. Eight weeks.

I was so adept at being a high functioning dissociative major depressive and I had no way to articulate what was wrong with me (all that stuff that had been normalized and ignored…all the ways my feelings and personhood was erased)… I just knew something evil bad was in me and it took me out from time to time. I thought it was my fault and I was ashamed of myself. I was living in a constant state of shock. CPTSD.

So, I get myself into college and thanks to Mark and his truck we move across country.

When I hear my friends now talking about saving money for their kids college and really setting them up for success by helping them choose a school and get settled in or making sure they don’t have to work so they can focus on their studies and have a healthy social life with friends and do activities Im so confused. I didn’t know parents and families helped their kids with such things. I didn’t understand that in other families they help, protect and support. I made it through without any of these blessings.

Mark and I get a shitty apartment (the ceiling caved in out of rot and the place was full of roaches. The property managers stole my drum set and we would catch them on the roof at night peeping through the skylight to watch us), I get a full time job managing a restaurant…in addition to schooling full time...Im overwhelmed by the workload, scared to be across country, freaked out by college and the expectations… it was too much. I was away from the source of my abuse and things started to surface… I NEEDED HELP.

I needed my family except, honestly, I have none. Additional mindfuck: when I tried to talk to people about this I get the old trope about how everyone has tough relationships in their families and I need to love my mom and work it out with her.SO I KEPT GOING BACK FOR MORE WITH MOM BECAUSE I NEEDED HER LOVE SO BAD AND I THOUGHT THE PROBLEM WAS ME. Further, because I was so regressed I just sounded like a petulant child when I tried to talk about the abuse I had no accurate words for so nobody outside the experience really got it or could conceive how bad things really were for me… why would they? My family is extraordinarily fucked up, like nobody I have ever known.

In college, nobody comes to check on me and make sure Im ok. Nobody was calling. Id get rare emails or letters. When I would tell mom how hard it was, mom would mock me and tell me to suck it up when I would reach out to her and “complain” about how things were going for me… See, because its always my fault and Im never measuring up.

An aside: To this day, 40 years later, Jim2 has yet to even send me a single email to check and make sure Im ok or get to know me at all. He has never responded to the multiple emails I have sent him, so I stopped reaching out. I used to cry to mom about it and she would tell me that he “has a busy life” and I had to understand that’s why I wasn’t a priority to him. Personally, I cant imagine anything being more important than making a connection with your little sister, but I guess Im biased and not like him: busy getting high and drunk and being a cool party guy.

During my college is when he married Lori. I worked over time and got a plane ticket to be at his wedding. I was sick to my stomach at the idea of having to be around my family but I love my brother and I wanted to be there. He ignored me the entire time I was there. I was a HUGE FUCKING DEAL that I could afford the ticket and made the effort to be there for him. I showed up for him….He ignored me. I was devastated and felt invisible and so worthless.

Another aside: I was 24 and that very first Christmas on the west coast Mom calls me, driving herself to the ER to get her stomach pumped from a suicide attempt. She was dramatically telling me her goodbye in case she didn’t make it. I was stressed and powerless beyond the telling of it. I cried all the way through that Christmas. Again: Mom always uses me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground. Out of all her children, Im the one with heart and she gets the sympathy she is working me over for.

During my college years, I would ask Mom for help she would mock me “Im sending baby Sava (MJs daughter) a care package…are you a baby? Do you need one too?”

Mean girl jealousy that I went to college and her life was taken from her by her children….

In college I had no friends, just Mark. No time for activities and my mental health was so fragile I had no ability to form friendships. I was barely hanging on. I would be catatonic in my time at home. We had this geometry screensaver on the computer and I would be frozen staring at it for hours while my brain felt like it was going to shatter. I was an absolute wreck and a shell of a person…but I was determined to prove I could graduate college and I wasn’t a fuck up. I wanted Mom to be proud of me.

I guess it should come as no surprise that after 4 years of no time off, working and schooling 80 hours a week, getting zero support emotionally or financially from my family …. that absolutely NOBODY FROM MY FAMILY CAME TO CELEBRATE ME AT MY GRADUATION.

Nobody came. Nobody celebrated me. Nobody saw the value in me or my hard work.

I remember being on the phone with Jim2 the day of my graduation. I had called him to ask why he wasn’t there for me. I was in tears. He told me that if that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, congratulations on your nice life. He thought it was bullshit that I was so upset. He thought I was being a baby. This loser dropped out of college which he had a scholarship for and did nothing with his life but drugs and alcohol and saw no value in me or what I did on my own. He didn’t show up for me.

Me going to college and graduating on time with full credits was a major fucking accomplishment on so many levels.

Not one of my family was there for me and I will never forgive or forget that.

We moved to the same fucking town Mary Jane was in when she was in college and never ONCE did anyone come to check on me and be interested in what I was doing or validate how amazing it was that I was in school and making it happen on my own.

When I talk about how alone I feel in life, its in my bones.

I had worked over time to get Mom a plane ticket so she would be there for my graduation and she called me a couple days before to tell me pathetically “She couldn’t get the day off work.” (Lie: I think she has some legal issue and couldn’t leave the state or something like that.)

After she called to bail on my graduation… at 27 years old… I had a heart attack on my walk home. I collapsed in my living room. Mark found me on the floor when he got home from work. She literally broke my heart. I was devastated. I was in shock. I was dissociating. I was so fucked up. I needed help. Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was wrong and neither did I.

Shortly after my graduation, MJ graduated and she drove to see her and was sure to tell me about it. I mean, they are BFFs so, no surprises there. GO TEAM MARY ELLEN, right?

Whats wrong with you Melissa? My family. My family is whats wrong with me.

During college I was stressed to the point of being catatonic when I wasn’t at work or school. My mental health was tanking in every possible way… but the pressure cooker of school and work kept me hemmed in and my desire to prove that I was someone worth loving (because god knows I wasn’t going to be loved just for being me…No one was simply going to show up for me or simply be there. I had to earn it.)

…. then we moved to Seattle and I had three years at Amazon in that pressure cooker of a job… (10 to 14 hours a day, 6 days a week) working as a Lead running a team of 200 people to keep me too busy to feel my feelings or connect to emerging myself.

At some point after I graduated and it no longer mattered, I remember MJ came to visit me one time. That was nice of her. Thank you for trying, MJ.

But heres the fun part: Mark. Mark loved me.

Mark is the very first and to this day ONLY person who has been intimately involved in my life who loves and respected me just as I am.

It was Mark loving me that allowed me to start developing a voice and for that very young very traumatized person inside of me to start coming to the surface. Mark was the very best thing that has ever happened to me….and, ironically, it was because he loved me that all that evil finally came to the surface…and was our demise.

All the things dad did to me, all the never ending abuse from mom that sought to vilify and demoralize me… all of the hurt from the abandonment from my brothers and sisters… all that evil came up because he Loved me enough to make me feel safe and supported…I just didn’t know that then and couldn’t see or feel that he was the most tremendous gift this life has ever given me ….

and I started sexually assaulting myself in my sleep (woke up one time with an entire box of tampons inside of me and had to go to the doctor to get them all out). I would throw punches in my sleep. I was having an utter mental breakdown/ breakthrough… and then I started acting out sexually with other men that I met online. I felt like I was being puppet mastered from some evil unknown source. I was manic and acting out sexually. That default programing from my childhood was calling the shots. I didn’t have a sense of self so I was acting from what I knew and what Dad taught me about myself and the self-worth that mom made sure I didn’t have.

I say acting out sexually. What I should say is reenacting the trauma…which there was so very much of. I was on auto pilot and at that time if you asked me if that’s what I wanted to be doing I would have said yes out of programming but the core truth of who I am knew it was not at all right or who I am or what I wanted…that core didn’t have a voice yet.

2001, Amazon had laid us all off. I got hired working at a treatment center for abused youth. I was major depressive and would be fetal position on the floor and cry for a month at a time but I didn’t know why or what was wrong… I was just deeply goddamn depressed and wanted to die. All the time. Goddamn. Let it end.

Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was happening. He was the perfect boyfriend. He tried so hard to help me. I honestly could not have asked for a more perfect man to come in to my life…and he was stuck with me. Mentally fucked Melissa with no clue what was wrong… and worst of all, I thought I had to get out of my relationship with Mark.

Crazy,right?….I asked Mom for help. She had no relationship with me and no clue what was going on in my life…She is a complete train wreck of a human and so deep in her own denial and so wrapped up in her latest abusive relationship with a rich man that she could honestly give a fuck about me and thought the worst of me anyway… so yeah, break up with him and oh my god Melissa I don’t know what to do with you.

I kept cheating on him over and over again. I was off the rails with my manic depression. Spending, fucking, driving my car too fast…. Through a chat room, I got mixed up with a man that felt like Dad to me and I was entranced and captive to him. Mark asked me to marry him and I broke up with him, moved out.. I was off the rails with the sexual acting out/re traumatizing myself.

(Mark immediately met the woman he has since married and has been with for the past 18 years. I would give anything to have that man back in my life…Throughout these years, my memory of how he treated me has been the standard by which I have held all other men and nobody measures up….Beyond his character and integrity, the art, music and intelligence that lives within this handsome and kind man is incomparable. I blew it. Fuck. I pushed away the most incredible man I ever knew and he loved me. I still love him to this day.)

At that same time I heard a rumor at work that one of the counselors (reggie, 24) had slept with a client(raya,16). I knew reggie was capable of it (I had slept with him) so I reported it to the Unit manager, Big Mike. ……What I didn’t know is that Reggie, Mike and the guy I was so into, Cash were all friends who grew up together and in the same gang……

and so it was that month that I moved out from Mark that the man that I was so “in love with”, Cash, drugged me at a house party and raped me with 4 of his friends to teach me a lesson for reporting Reggie.

I remember sharing a beer with Cash and then feeling tired and dizzy and asking to lay down and then multiple hours of being barely coherent and having no control over my body and being passed around for everyone to fuck over and over again.

Cash was a sex trafficker and grooming me all along. No wonder he felt like home. My need for family and my daddy issues in full effect, I couldn’t break the spell. I was terrified of him and wanted him to think I was so sexy…..He was masterful with the mindfuck and kept me under his thumb at all times which felt like attention and love to me and was intense enough that I could feel it.

At that time, in Washington, you had a statue of limitations of 8 years to report a rape.

Mind you, I was so dissociative and still had no idea I was a person or had any rights to my thoughts or my body… I was really goddamn checked out at that point in my life….I was in shock. The childhood assault trauma was just surfacing and I had no words for it because it had been normalized and my feelings negated by my parents So, I didn’t know if I had been raped or not….it took me years to figure out that its wrong to drug someone and have all your friends fuck them…

I didn’t know I should or could ask for help. I didn’t believe I could be helped. I didn’t think anyone would help me. I didn’t know I was a person. I didn’t know I had rights. I didn’t know I could escape or how.

ANYONE CONFUSED ABOUT WHY I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO GET HELP OR THAT I DESERVED IT???????

Whats wrong with you, Melissa?

In the meanwhile, Cash was making sure I wouldn’t report it.

He knew I was away from Mark, had a history of sexual assault and no family, and that I lived in absolute poverty so there was zero chance I could escape him.

I was in so much trouble. I needed help. I called Mom. I explained that it all to her. I explained that they were a gang. That it was sex trafficking… that I needed help…. To which she said “Let them play godfather. Whats the worst they can do?”….. (nice way to minimize the extreme danger I was in and negate me as a person, don’t you think?)

that bitch loves to see me suffer and struggle, doesn’t she. Doesn’t it make her look amazing when I look like shit? So she didn’t help me. She shit talked me to the rest of the family like I wanted to be in that situation because I was trash. Nobody helped me.

I remember talking to Mary Jane around that time explaining that I was getting counseling and she, like mom, shamed me and told me I didn’t have bipolar or something like that… She was Team Mary Ellen all the way and me getting counseling was just attention seeking or something like that.

See, this is why MJ and I have never been friends or close. I cant trust her. Shes not someone I think of as an ally. Sorry about that, MJ. Im not trying to be mean but… look at why I think that.

I really do look up to her though. She is so smart and capable. But I cant trust her and this is why.

By the way, here’s just a few of examples of the worst they can do while “playing Godfather”: They were so invested in making sure I never spoke about the rape they made sure I was living in such constant fear for my life (mental domination) that I was too scared to talk to anyone about it:

*They had voyeur cameras in my house…that they were making money off of.

*They had software on my laptop to collect all my personal data (social security, passwords, answers to security questions) so I am owned by them to this day.

*They had GPS on my car to track me everywhere I went and would leave notes on my car to let me know I was constantly being watched.

*They flipped my therapists office and stole all her files to make sure there was no record

*They poisoned my dog every day for a month while I was at work…I would come home to Milo cowering in the corner like he had been abused all day long and diarrhea all over the floor until one day I yelled out in my home with nobody there that I would find Cashs son and do the same to him…and I went online and found his childs home address…yelled that out to my empty apartment…and after that day Milo was never sick again….

*Then there are the 2 times they broke into my apartment in the middle of the night, drugged me in my sleep and did whatever and dumped me at the park. One of those time I woke up with half my face slack and paralyzed as though I had a stroke. By the grace of god I got the feeling back but to this day its still a little droopy.

*They sent their equally psycho boy Alex into my life to keep watch on me. He was horribly mentally abusive. I was so broken and demoralized. I needed to get away. Instead, I got pregnant. Alex also gave me syphilis ..and so I had an abortion. I had to get two Orders of Protection to get Alex away from me. When I called mom for help with the pregnancy, she was off the rails hysterical and I was yet even more scared and alone. Mom blamed me for all of it. Further evidence Im trash. I got pregnant by a mistake by a black man.

There is more, I mean it was 8 years of daily torture… but I think you get the idea. Complete mental domination was the name of their game.

I had no friends. None. I was so fucked up. I was terrified to speak to anyone because everything felt like danger. Just these men showing up when they felt like to to fuck me and terrorize me. Eight years. My 30s. I was miserable beyond the telling of it.

Whats wrong with you Melissa. I needed help. I was so scared. I needed my family. I got yelled at and shamed. I was so alone. I wanted to die. I was so depressed and fucked up. Goddamn. Let it end. And the worst of it all is that I really didn’t even have myself. I never had a chance to be safe enough to develop a self. I was a shell of a human. I was out of my head. I was so checked out with the PTSD and the trauma of it all. I was scared to be alive. Soul fracturing is real.

This was how I spent my 30s. Somehow pulling myself together to go to work during the day because I didn’t want to be homeless, coming home and having a total mental collapse at night and all the while being mentally tortured by a gang of sex traffickers and when I reached to my family for help I got blamed for being a fucked up piece of shit.

I had no one. When I talk about my isolation and how alone I am, its cumulative. Its all this and more.

I don’t need to volunteer at a shelter on Christmas to be with someone for the holidays. I don’t need to get a dog. I need family. I need to be validated on a daily basis that I matter and am loveable just as I am. I need someone safe who is simply there. I need people in my life who celebrate me without me asking. I need people who are there for those simple mundane acts of living that define us…I need to come home to love.

The miracle: I kept myself employed and was successful in my corporate career path, I kept myself housed, and drug and alcohol free the entire time. I had the where with all to get counselling and try to work through my shit. I never gave up on myself even though I didn’t yet know who I am and my family had absolutely written me off from day one.

Then the Recession happened. I, of course, had never learned money management skills so there really wasn’t any savings to rely on. I was comfort eating like a motherfucker, I had student loans, a car payment and insurance and a foolishly large and expensive apartment, I had these lecherous men that were taking advantage of me financially too… I was manic depressive… I was paying for counselling (which if I am not mistaken over the years has totaled $100k) But to be honest, I don’t know where my money went… so when the Recession hit it took about 2 months before I was selling off everything I own and living in my car….where I stayed for the next year with my dog.

Nobody help me stay safe or in my integrity. I had no friends in Seattle to turn to. Mom told me to put my things in garbage bags and throw it all away…take the dog to the pound… and work with my counselor (she was angry about me getting help because she perceived it as being me trying to vilify her and this was her chance to punish me for getting help) and find a shelter to check in to because I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

Let me say that again: My mom knew I was losing everything, told me to throw my life away, dump my kid at the pound and told me to check into a shelter, I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

MY MOM.

Shes sees me as trash. She threw me away. Doesn’t she look amazing when Im failing?

Work in Seattle was impossible to find. I literally had 700 resumes out. Understand, I have held a job consistently since I was 15 years old and somehow mom thought this moment was me being a lazy piece of shit and just trying to manipulate her for money when I asked for help.

Sure. Ok.

I spent the next year in my car with no money coming in other than whatever odd jobs I could grab on craigslist to make my car payment. I drove back to North Carolina to seek help from my friends and my brother. My friends back home were not in a position to help me in any long lasting way but bless them all for what they did…

but Jim 2, who lives in Raliegh, was. He just declined. He made me a sandwich…told me there was nothing he could do for me (he has three houses)…and I spent the night in my car outside my brother’s house.

I had an ex acquaintance from Seattle who lived in Raleigh. He was part of the abuser sex trafficking gang. He let me sleep on the floor but would beat the shit out of me if I tried to sleep on the couch. I was so demoralized and out of my head, I needed literally anyone to be there for me….so, I stayed there, on the floor, for a month.

My brother was 15 minutes away, could have kept me safe but my brother chose to do nothing to help me.

Whats wrong with you Melissa. My family. Definitely gonna say my family.

When it was clear that North Carolina wasn’t going to be any better for work than Seattle I decided to drive back to the west coast. I had to drive through Texas and I didn’t stop at Moms house. I didn’t even try. Why would I? I was so hopeless and out of my head with depression and PTSD. I was screaming into the great black nothing. I was cutting myself all over to get the evil out. I would punch my own face black and blue from self loathing… again, thinking it was all my fault and that I was defective. I mean… my own family didn’t want me. Nobody did. It was me. I was a horrible piece of shit and deserved to die. Nobody loved or wanted me. Nobody kept me safe. I was deeply lost in the void. I wanted to die. Goddamn. Let it end.

That year in the car was by far worse than the 8 years of being tortured by sex traffickers or the 13 years of living with my sex predator father or the 7 years of being stuck in bumfuck North Carolina with my moms abuser boyfriend stealing the show.

Without question having nobody and knowing that nobody cares if you are safe, in your integrity, have a door to lock, privacy of any kind, if you are fed or showered… knowing for a demonstrated fact that there is not a single person on earth who cares enough to validate your humanity is the absolute worst feeling I have ever known. Being completely dehumanized, demoralized, erased. I begged for death.

Whats wrong with you Melissa?

Fun fact: during that time, instead of helping me or offering me a job at her business doing the exact job I did so well at Amazon (I asked for one and told her I would sleep in the attic at the office and she told me No), to mock me and show me what a failure I am and that I was just trying to manipulate her for money because Im a lazy loser

Mom went to her local Costco and applied for a job to show me how easy it was for her to get hired.

I mean, if youre going to be void of a soul, you should really go for it. Kudos, Mom.

I drove through California on the way back home to Seattle and met my sister Patty for the first time. We look like two peas in a pod. We think exactly the same. She is undeniably my sister. It was the most incredible feeling.

For the first time in my entire life I actually felt and thought the same as someone else.

She casually declined to introduce me to her family. They kept looking at me incredulously because we look just the same… but she would shoo them away when they would come over to talk. I met her at her restaurant and then she took me to her palatial home. She has a huge family. She had tons of photo albums… and then she started talking about Dad…like she was in a trance and talking about a favorite lover… it was clear that Dad had sexualized her and maintained that relationship with her well into her adult life and that was the reason she had no contact with us and didn’t want a deeper relationship with me. One conversation was all I got with her. I slept in my car outside her home. My sister didn’t help me. Whats wrong with you Melissa???

In one shot from LA I drove back to Seattle. I figured out that the Queen Anne neighborhood had the lowest crime rate so I parked there. I was so sick to death of all the nights that year that I would wake up with someone trying to break in to the car. Thank god I had Milo with me. He saved me multiple times from intruders that year. My body was a wreck from car living and shit food. My mental health beyond destroyed. I was really just done. Run through. All the way run through.

I did a brief stint staying in Silverdale with my friend from NC that I managed to re connect with on my drive back… but the hour drive into Seattle from Silverdale was too much so I lumped it and just slept in my car in Queen Anne once I secured my job…..

I went in to Top Pot Doughnuts every day for a month and demanded a job until they gave me one. I was 8 weeks into that job, still sleeping in the car but I had forward momentum when I totaled the car. I had the very last car payment in the seat next to me I had worked so fucking hard to maintain my payments in good faith despite it all and come out of that situation with my car but nope…fuck me. I was on my way to the gym and I was giving myself a pep talk telling myself everything was going to be ok….and I ate it…40 miles an hour into a stopped truck on the West Seattle Bridge. Entirely my fault. Milo went to the pound. All my earthly belongings went to the impound yard. I went to the ER…. And I called every single person I knew and who I thought could help me.

Just when you think you have nothing left, turns out you can go lower. Nobody returned my call.

Me, the unwanted, loveable piece of shit. I could die and nobody cared. Whats wrong with you Melissa?

I got out of the hospital, I had made contact with my online friend Rishad and he let me stay for a couple days… BLESS HIM… In those two days I got on the bus. I took the bus that goes through Capitol Hill and up to Queen Anne where my job was. I wrote down every apartment for rent phone number I could see and I started making calls. In the first true lucky break I had in years, this apartment manager woman at a really sweet little apartment on the hill heard me out…heard my story… it was the 15th of the month. I had my car payment check and I cashed it and gave her the money… She gave me the keys and a wink and told me I could move in “on the first”, that’s what the money I gave her would pay for…. and that she definitely didn’t know anything about a dog so no pet fee was needed.

I went right upstairs, LOCKED MY OWN DOOR and laid on the floor with literally nothing left to my name and cried so fucking hard.

I had whiplash from the accident. I fractured 4 molars on my steering wheel and over the years as my dentist promised they have slowly one by one fallen out of my face. I had broken both my feet and wracked my knees…. But I had a place that was my own and a job and that’s all that mattered.

I went right to the pound the next day and got Milo. I went to the impound lot and got what was left of my life. I missed a sum total of two days of work…. I was so thankful to have a job again I blocked out the pain from my broken body and I just kept going.

(Mind you the only thing Mom has ever been proud of me for in my lifetime is losing weight. That’s what got her attention…that’s what she was impressed by. I went on a diet.)

That next year, I lost 70 pounds at the gym. I perceived my training team as the family I never had and I was good at lifting weights. They weren’t honestly my friends or family but it was something consistent and I needed that stability and I needed them so fucking bad. It took 5 years to start to return to a somewhat functioning human... Lifting helped me get back into my body and stop checking out so much. My nutrition plan made me focus on myself every moment of every day…and nothing beats depression like clean food and working out. Structure and consistency.

My PTSD was off the rails though. I was worse than a soldier coming back from war…I never signed up for that shit and it started when I was a child. I was suffering. I wanted to die. Every moment of every day. I was miserable to be around. Nobody wanted to be my friend. So, trust me…just work and the gym with my illusion that people were there for me and me inappropriately and overly attached to them.

The irony is that I looked amazing and strong and I was, yes. The reality is that I wanted to die. I begged for death. I had two suicide attempts in those years….I surprised myself and cut my wrist with my house keys on the way to work one day and another time I walked into traffic but the car swerved.

Coming out of all that happened and processing all that trauma took more will power and resolve than anything I have ever done. It was so dark. I felt demon possessed. I was out of my head. I would find myself walking out of my place into public with no skirt on just my tights or other crazy shit like that. I was talking to myself, having heated arguments with nobody there all the fucking time. I was punching myself in the face. I was cutting and other such self harm.

It was really bad. I was hurting so fucking much.

And, I had another sociopath boyfriend taking full advantage of my disadvantage…keeping me fucked up because it kept me there for him. Thomas was in my life for 7 years. Absolute Scum. But he was the only person who would show up in person for me. I needed to be held. I was so out of my head and I still had no friends in my life…just people on the internet.… So again, this familiar situation: I just let him use me so I could have literally anyone there. The social and emotional isolation was killing me and I was convinced I was in love. He felt like home. He kept telling me we would be together if I waited. That he loved me. That I was the Key! I was the only time he was happy. The reality was he wouldn’t speak to me during the week. He would just show up on a Friday or Saturday night when he felt like it, from 1am to 3am…literally show up with his dick out to fuck me…very often wouldn’t speak to me when he was there…then he would leave and that was what I considered my relationship and love. It was about 2 years into our “relationship” that the truth slowly started to surface that he was in a long term relationship and he lived with her….

The details of how twisted he is and how he manipulated my daddy issues is disgusting. How he used neglect to keep me working so hard for him to be there and begging for his attention….really sick.

He felt like home which is the worst part. He was exactly like home.

It took me three years at the doughnut shop to get emotionally stabilized enough to make a plan for next steps. I was too emotionally fragile to go back to corporate work or be in an office environment. I knew I wanted to go to massage school and I really thought it could be an answer for me even though Mary Jane and mom had previously shamed and mocked me when I said I wanted to go. Mom didn’t think I could be anything better than a waitress. She told me to stop complaining that I hated my work and just go do it.

It was around this time that I had to move out of the apartment because they raised the rent by double on my sweet apartment and I found my way into squatting in my Art studio, where I have been for the past 7 years.

This studio has been so needed and healed me in so many ways. It is private enough to have a complete mental collapse and since it was a former isolation tank/jail… Nobody can get in here….bars over the windows and a steel door…so, I could sleep at night for the first time in years. The rent is crazy affordable which allowed me to go to school and later afford activities to try to learn social skills and be a real person in the world…. This place is my everything.

When I had my first art show… consisting of the photos that I took when I was living in my car. One of the ways I survived and changed my paradigm to get out of the car alive was that I would walk around and task myself with Looking through the eyes of Love. I would try to find one thing each day that I could see beauty in so I could continue to see good in the world…thus my collection of flower photos that I maintain to this day as my gratitude practice.

Mom picked up the phone and called me the night of my show.

(Mind you, she has never been there for me. Over the years since she kicked me out I think we have talked on the phone maybe 10 times. There have been years where she refused to give me her phone number…she made a game of it for years…I would email and ask for it she would say she was going to give it to me in her reply but never would. Then she finally did and a week later she changed it again. Psycho. Another time I can remember a time we talked on the phone and I ended by saying I love you and she was silent and struggled to say it back. Whats incredible is that she has always pretended to be someone who knows me and knows whats going on in my life and talks about it with such authority. This is a narcissistic abuser in action. What she was doing was scanning my social media and whatever scraps of information she could get and twisting it into whatever story she needed to support her storyline about me being a problem child and a fuck up and what a wonderful mother she is so she could continue to live in denial. She cant face the past and she has never done any work to own her part or apologize. So, now Ive cut her off. She does things now like call the place where I get my mail and had the people who run the PO box office tell me my mother called and she is worried about me and she asked them for whatever information they had on me -so I had to get a new PO Box place where the owners have English as a distant 2nd language- or she will go through my friends list on social media and contact people to see if they will keep tabs on me for her and share her story about what a problem I am and how she is just a loving mother who I have scorned and of course people believe her. She said the magic word: Mother. Nobody would suspect what kind of Mother she actually is and they see me all angry, regressed emotionally like a child and so fucked up and struggling in the world so she must me right about me, yeah? Text book actions when you try to break away from a Narcissist)

So…I get into the studio and Im all set up for my show and she called me to say this: “So, youre having an art show huh? You think youre so great. Youre still alone though aren’t you? (the mean girl was jealous that I somehow retained a sense of self and did something neat to be proud and again, she wanted to punish me…the woman is demented.) You know, the longest relationship you’ve ever had is with that damn dog.” And then she laughed at me. Made some shit comment about my basement studio “not having air” and some other bullshit and we ended the call. My party guests were arriving. My self-confidence was missing in action for the rest of my night. Nice, right? That’s my mom.

Shortly after I get in to the Studio Milo got sick. Really really sick. As I promised him from day one, I would never let him suffer for my own selfish reasons…. So, I rented a car, took him to the vet and had him put down. The love of my life and my great protector. This sweet soul that was my constant source of love and hope for 14 years. When I posted on my facebook thread about his passing, mom commented that she was devastated at her loss. Because, you know… Milos death, this dog that she wanted me to throw away, was about how it impacted HER. …yeah….ok.

I want to mention out of the context of a clear timeline that somewhere in here I trained for and ran two Tough Mudders. They are 12 mile courses with 20 really fucking hard obstacles. They are designed to be run with a team. I ran them both solo because nobody wanted to join me. On the days that I went to the events, neither my Trainer or the man I was so in love with, Thomas, sent me as much as a good luck text to wish me well or acknowledge my accomplishment. My previously 215 pound ass had shrunk to 140 pounds and, at 40 years old ran a team event solo and made it through in TWO AND A HALF HOURS completing every single obstacle, no excuses…. And nobody who should have been excited and invested in my success said a word.

I was still invisible. I still did not matter. I was still not celebrated by the people who should have been there for me.

I want to point this out: Even I did not think I mattered or what I was doing was noteworthy. I was still so checked out and erased to myself that it didn’t click in my head that my life and all that I was doing and surviving was me doing the impossible.

My friend Luke (who I met online dating but I knew we were meant to be solid friends for life) made a point to come with me to the first Tough Mudder. He spent the entire day out there and he took photos of me… He is the reason that I can now reflect on what I did and actually SEE MYSELF. That gift is immeasurable. Luke evidenced me. Im here today as a whole person in part because of him. Also of note, the transition time between the apartment and the studio: Luke let me stay with him. He kept me safe and he was my sounding board and my true friend. I have nothing but the deepest most heartfelt love and respect for him. His story is equally harrowing and he is a miracle in action. Thank you Luke. I love you. Youre in my inner circle for life.

Now that Milo was gone and I was feeling somewhat more stabilized as a human, I knew it was time to make my career plan and try to get into massage school. Here is the next great stroke of luck in my lifetime: I went to Discovery Point and I talked to the women that run the school I explained my situation and that I was completely broke. They let me go to school for free in those 9 months with the understanding that I would clean the school on the weekends, make what payments I could as I went along and work out a payment plan immediately after graduation and that they would hold my diploma until that was complete. OH SWEET MERCY.

My days during those 9 months were 17 hours long. I would manage the café in the morning 5am to 1pm, go to the gym to lift and run from 2 to 4, then to school from 5 to 10pm…all the while walking to get to each place. I was getting something like 12 miles a day. I did it. I made my 9 months of cleaning the school and keeping my life on track ( no cheering section, nobody doing laundry, cooking, keeping bills paid or there to comfort me but me: Whats new?) , I passed my exam and I was on track to move my life forward.

I feel like there should have been a celebration when I graduated because that’s fucking astounding…. but, hey… nothing happened, nobody in my life said a word of congratulations about it. Surprise.

I live alone. I have no friends beyond those that exist on the computer, acquaintances from community, and a few co workers that I have hung out with from time to time and I always make a big deal about that on social media which gives the illusion that I have people, but I really dont. My only contact with others is at work. I go home to an empty room and there is no support or comfort. Its really impossible to describe to people who have people what it is like to live with this constant isolation and utter lack of emotional intimacy and how it eats you alive…but this has been my life.

People who don’t understand tell me to get a dog or volunteer or pay for therapy for companionship. That’s a cruel tone deaf response. People need people and it is reasonable to want to be loved, intimately, from the outside in. What I want is to simply matter, and be loved and valued, and have someone who is there without having to do something to receive that…..

Because I have yet to be understood when I talk about it, I have for the most part stopped talking about my isolation that is to this day very real for me.

Im so lonely I just want to die. Whats new.

In the next year, I was waiting tables still and somehow managed to pay off $10k for my license… on a year where I only made $24k. again, no celebration when I told my co workers about it…. I thought it was a big deal.

During that year I went to the doctor and discovered that I was literally malnourished. I was pushing it too hard with working out and keeping everything on track and my personal trainer wasn’t actually reading the food journal I sent him each night… so I got pneumonia as well….but just kept going.

I also got my Personal Training Cert and my Nutrition Counseling cert that year and started working as a Personal Trainer while I looked for a Massage job. Things were lightening up for me. The tremendous crushing weight of my entire life was lightening up.

But the reality of who my Trainer was and what a fraud he was came to the light. He was sleeping with some of his clients and I have a laundry list of unethical things he, and his business partner, were doing. When I held him accountable that was the last straw for him. He was sick to death of weathering my PTSD and how fucked up and sick I was and how fucked up I was over Thomas all the goddamn time… and additionally I was calling out all the ways he was unethical: I was bad for business. I was bad for him in the fitness community.

He kept gaslighting me to try to get me to leave but that was my community for 5 years and I didn’t know what to do…….So, Matt did whats guys do: Shes crazy… and shit talked me throughout the fitness community. He kicked me out of his gym and I now have no gym to work out at and no trainers willing to work with me. Thanks Matt! Super appreciate you!

I maintained my own lifting program for another year but honestly, I was in it for the community and sense of belonging that I never had before in my life. Without that and with Matt shit talking me in the background so I had no support elsewhere my program started to slip…. Add to that, I had begun working full time in massage and my shoulder got burnt out. I have a repetitive stress injury from my Amazon days that was made worse at Tough Mudder when I got my arm yanked nearly out of its socket in an obstacle… so, Lifting started to fade… and honestly, I was burnt out on the regiment of it all. I needed a break. I deserved a huge break.

I think it was right around 2014 when Mom had me come to Houston for Thanksgiving as though we are friends or she was a Mom. The highlights of that visit include her telling me the reason I wasn’t welcome in Houston during the Recession was because her husband Rumi forbade it.

(I forgot to mention that all through the years of her being with Rumi she has painted this picture of him being physically and emotionally abusive. That she was hiding money to escape him and what a horror he is. She had some secret email account that she sent me emails from at one point and told me that she was trying to hack his email to see who he was having affairs with or some other drama….. but you know if you ask Jim2 who his best friend is, its Rumi…apparently they text all the time…so, you know…she loves to lie and paint these horrific pictures of who people are to support whatever her manipulation is to get sympathy or whatever pay off)

Anyway, While I was in Houston visiting her she was acting like everything was normal and fine and that I had just made up whatever it was that I went through during the Recession. She reminded me that since I “left home” at 18 she has had to give me something like $20k in support and implied what a burden I am and how I always have my hand out. She has kept track of the financial support she gave me as a parent and wanted me to feel like shit for needing her. Cool….

Another example of how mentally deranged she is: While I was there we went out to lunch. Mind you, I have maybe $100 to my name at that time. I offered to pay for lunch at this fast food place and after we ordered she commanded me to go pick a table. So I got a booth with a chair. I sat on the booth side so I was facing the café and could see her when she came out of the restroom… I waved her over and she sat in the chair. Unbeknownst to me, the booth side made me taller than the chair side…. She got this twisted angry look and became livid that I thought I was better than her. Paying for lunch and sitting above her like that….. The next day Mom and Rumi started playing a really fun game where they forgot my name and kept calling me “Savannah” (my niece) for the remainder of the time I was there …. You know… because at 44, they saw me as a child. Nothing like a little game of erasing your daughter’s person hood and replacing it with infantilism to let your daughter know you really see her and respect her.

I really hope this is making clear why I have a strict no contact in place with her that I will never change.

Now its 2017 and I get hired at my dream job. The Spa that I am at is beautiful. My co workers are the best. I make really fine money. My mental health is slowly coming together. I got Thomas out of my life and have enough mental clarity now to really see him for who he is. I had spent yet another holiday season alone and the isolation was killing me, as per usual…so I decided that the best thing for me to do to help pull me out of my PTSD and stop being so scared to be seen or heard would be to go to music school…. Learn how to make friends for the first time in my adult life and be with people who were not my co workers. Try to trust people again. Try to trust that I could be liked for who I am….though rejection has been a very prevalent theme in my life… Try to learn some social skills that I missed out on basically my entire life.

How to simply hang out and play….was brand fucking new to me. Music school was really really really hard… not to mention I have no musical ability and I get triggered by stress pretty quickly and freeze… but I knew it was the right thing to do to reparent the kid inside me who never learned to make friends or be in activities with others and who wanted to play drums…. So hell yeah. I did it.

Thank you to Katy,Tracy,Melissa,and Kiyan for coming out to see a couple of those shows and being there to support me. You have no idea how much that meant to me.

I thought if I could make friends there I would have people to go out with and maybe could have a chance to meet a man and have a relationship… but all the women there were married with children and had little interest in going out at night, and I still wasn’t fully integrated as a Self yet… so that was a bust.

Music school was really me making up for my 20s and 30s when I should have been out at shows and hanging with friends and making art and and dating but instead I was being mentally tortured by my entire life. I gave it a good shot, but Im a mixed media artist not a musician and that’s really that. I have to take it in stride: Bless my heart for trying. Thank you to all my bandmates for being so kind and supportive of me and for being stellar humans

I was in my first year of Music school when I met the most amazing man, Joe. He was magical. He honestly loved me for me and I loved him right back. It was fast and deep and I felt so completely seen and wanted by him and OH MY GOD I NEEDED THAT FOR SO LONG. He made incredible things happen and took me on dates that made me feel like a Queen…. But Joe was terminally ill and two months later took his own life. I was in shock again….but kept going as I do.

Also out of context of timeline: When I got into that sweet little apartment I would go down to Edge of the Circle which was just a couple blocks away and get Tarot readings from Raven and Kiyan. I didn’t know how to simply ask for friendship so I would buy Tarot readings to have someone to talk to. These two helped me so much in so many ways…through their compassion and through helping me develop my Self and my skills. Over and over again these two have shown up as real people who have treated me with integrity. People who genuinely care about me and support me in my developing personhood. Ive made it through because of them and so many others along the way.

The shitty thing about being knocked out of your self is that even though you have people around you who care, you often cant see it or feel it and like a dick minimize what people are doing for you because the all-consuming feeling that nobody is there is so much larger than the gentle loving efforts of those around you…. And what happens: you push away the people who are there for you because they have self-respect and youre unwittingly being a dick. I want to say Im really sorry about this because I know for sure Ive done this.

Also out of context of timeline: Somewhere in here I started working in Tarot and caught a lucky break and got hired at Percys to be their Reader. Huge shout out to Krista who made that so possible for me. That Tarot night did more for my sense of Self and well being than I can explain and I was a success there largely because Krista made it so beautiful and kept that night going for me.

I also want to say Thank you to Tracy, Katy, and of course Brian who were my friends and co workers at the RowHouse Café… through those early massage school years. Endless support and encouragement from these guys, even when I was too fucked up to really receive it or reflect it back. Im really lucky to have met you and have had you in my life.

It was right around the solar eclipse and the night before that hurricane hit and flooded Houston and moms house got flooded that I emailed her a long list of things she had done that hurt me and explained that I would be taking time away from her and Id let her know when we could speak again. The next morning after I sent that email I again felt puppet mastered…. But this time by the little kid inside me… I literally woke up, jumped out of bed and started to dance. I was filled with glee. I was amazed by myself. I don’t know where that came from except to say that the kid inside me was OVERJOYED to be free of her.

In the coming years I kept proving to myself that I wont let her back in and that Im safe now… and as I have been staying true to this practice of not letting her, or anyone like her, back in my life… I have become happier and more whole as a human being…. More capable of making good choices in friends and finances….

She made an attempt to contact me around the holidays this year. I saw her call but let it go to voice mail. The message she left was something to the tune of her wanting to know if I had forgiven her yet and gotten over it. …See, because its about me and what I need to do because its my damage that is the problem here…. Nothing had changed with her. It was still my fault. No apology. No self reflection. Had I forgiven her yet. For fucks sake: I will never forgive her.

I have learned to celebrate myself, take my self on vacations and to my great delight I had friends who spent time with me and took care of me!!!!!! Incredible!!!!!, give myself the compassion and nurturing that I always wished I had and reasonably should have had from my family. I have been working on being able to see the love that is there for me from the people that I have in my life, though I still struggle with that. I have been working so hard on Self Love, Self Respect, Healthy boundaries, creating safety and stability in my life in all way and I know that Im doing great work because my inner me, those little kids inside of me that needed a parent are really responding to the parenting Im giving them…. Check this out:

A month or so after I declined her call I was out at the café in my neighborhood, having a treat and a coffee and doing some writing. I was sitting at the table and this incredible feeling came over me as though a golden light was shining on me and I could see it glittering down on me. I started laughing and crying like when you cum really hard and youre filled with ecstasy and bliss. And then I had a vision of being in a hospital room that was in the forest… it was just two walls of the room and then the woods…I could see deer and birds. In the hospital bed there was a person in a full body cast. The cast had moss growing on it and tiny sprouts of pine trees. The Doctor walked in to the room to check on the patient. I was both the Doctor and the Patient. I told myself: Hey, its time to get you out of there. And I grabbed my circle saw and started to cut my cast from end to end and crack to open like a sarcophagus. I told myself Welcome Back! We are so glad you are here!!! Go slow, take your time getting up. No rush.

I was so elated. I walked home immediately. Upon arriving at my studio I had another vision of all the ages of myself, down to the youngest and up to the oldest and wisest all linking hands. I recognized these women as my Sisters/MySelf… all of us agreed that the next would watch out for the next and that nobody would ever hurt us again. SOUL RECLAMATION.

For the first time in my life I am here, in this body, in this present moment. The first time in my life I am ME. Im currently 6 months in to my actual LIFE. THIS IS ME. I AM HERE. OH MY GOD. I MADE IT.

Yes now, of course, the world is ending and my career in massage is tenuous at best and I might be fucked again…. But so not worried because honestly, Ive survived worse with less. So I will figure this out and keep myself alive, housed and fed.

Over the years my attempts to talk it out with Mom were pointless… she would erase my feelings and angrily tell me that it was hard on all of us. She would hold no space for me and just be my mom and have some compassion for her baby girl. Nope: It was hard on all of us so stop complaining… but see, I was a child and they were my parents and that was my family and I had no choice…. So really, at this point, Im done. Im better off on my own.

I don’t know what else to say other than those yearly years were tremendously bad for everyone in my family, yes. I can now at this time in my life see and understand why everyone did what they did…. That my parents were also victims of abuse from their parents and all that and yeah, I have compassion and Im really sorry they had to go through that….But it doesn’t make it ok or make mom someone I will let back in my life. I mean, I went through it and Ive dedicated my lifes work to helping others heal and I try to be so good to everyone around me so…. No excuses. And, I still have questions like: Fuck, why did dad never go to jail? Im guessing it was about the money…..and really, how did nobody in my family see that I needed help?

Anyway… Ive done epic amount of self work to be here today as a whole person and really change my reality to one where I have value and can share love. Im still working on it… My social anxiety is still the worst. I can barely form words into sentences when Im out in public and I dont have a job to do as my role to play....but you know, I keep trying and its easier and keeps getting easier… and I have amazing friends like Brad to have mini adventures with… and I have my Studio to do my art in and now that Im feeling so much more whole as a person I think I might actually see some work through to completion that I can be proud of… and I have a job that I love and Im getting training for some other skills to expand my skillset and I feel that things can only get better from here so

I feel so lucky to be alive and so fucking grateful to be me and I really like myself. It’s a miracle. All things are possible if you just remember: LOVE IS THE KEY and keep moving in that direction.

That’s my experience and now you know.

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zanesgirlfriend · 5 years

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Strangers Don't Have Secrets | Jeff Wittek

Description: The reader gets into trouble at a club and Jeff saves the day.

Warnings: Intense language and a really gross slimey dude

Requested?: Yes, im going to combine a couple of requests here, if yall want different/more imagines with similar themes just lmk!

@simplespectres : Protective jeff maybe? Or drunk jeff confessing his feelings for you

@puppershnups : can I request just a super angsty Jeff imagine? Like go ahead and make me sob I love it.

@suzobawuzo : In love with your Jeff posts! How about something where he is jealous ab your friendship with someone (you might or might not be together yet) but it turns into a whole lot of fluff in the end?? THANKS <3

A/N: I know thats a lot of requests in one story but I figured i could make them fit pretty well. i also kinda based "the reader's" actions in this after effy from skins so if yall have seen that youll probably like this lol. Thank yall for requesting stuff, it means a lot :)

__________

Back again, at a club, on a Saturday night. The gang was all there, dancing and drinking as much as they could. Of course there was David, camera in hand, floating from group to group. There was also Y/N sitting at a bar, attempting to make the night go faster by talking to slimey men. Next there was what she considered to be "fuck-boy" territory. They stayed near the center of club, grinding and taking body shots off of eachother. Generally just trying to get as wasted as they could. Todd, Zane, Scott, and Jeff were generally part of this group. Most of them seemed to find a girl to dance near, except for Scott, as he was actually commited to a relationship. Y/N admired that about him.

She wanted to know if the boys ever wondered why she always went out with them, but never seemed to do anything. There were two reasons. One being that she could always be an extra Designated Driver, God-forbid something happen to David. The second reason being that she loved to watch. She wanted to study behavior, and know her friends more intimately than they thought she did.

She noticed how when nobody was talking to David, he became incredibly awkward. The way his smile fell off of his face, and how he curved his body to avoid touching people as he moved through the groups. She also noticed Jeff, and how he didn't like to dance. Counting all the times he would catch her eye, and then pretend he was looking at something else.

Recently she spent most of her time watching Jeff. Something about him being new to the group, and having a questionable past intrigued her.

"Is this seat taken?" A handsome stranger asked her.

"No, go ahead." She smiled. Out of all the men that usually talked to her, this one seemed the most sober. He sat in the chair next to hers, turning around to face away from the bar like she was.

"So are you here with anybody?" His breath tickled the side of her face as he leaned in. She noticed the very full beer in his hand, as if he'd just gotten there.

"Nope, just me." She lied, enjoying the mystery she created for this man to solve. She could tell the fact that she was alone got his attention by way of him immediately scooting closer to her.

"Well, let me keep you company." The man smiled, but something about his smile was off. It was as if he was too perfect. As if he was here to distract her from something bigger. She noticed this and immediately turned back towards the club, spotting all of her friends and checking to make sure they were okay.

"Sure." She tried to keep her answers short, not knowing what this man really wanted from her.

"Why don't I get you a drink?" He offered. This was a big red flag for her, but she wanted to really see what this man was after.

"Sure." She checked her phone for a second while the man talked to the bartender.

Hey can u make out with zane for a bit this dance floor is kinda dead

David had sent that text less than five minutes earlier. She decided that she wanted this mysterious man to get confused about her character, so she replied to David with

Sure, I'll be there in a min

"Here you go." The man handed her a martini. She hated martinis.

"I'll be right back. Keep an eye on me." She placed the drink on the bar and walked over to fuck-boy territory. David attempted to explain to her what he wanted her to do, but she looked over her shoulder at the man and decided to wing it.

She grabbed Zane's face, bringing their lips together, and slipping her tongue in his mouth. She could tell he was enjoying it. Everyone else in the group around them was yelling, shocked by the intense kiss. She pulled away, immediately looking back towards the man at the bar, a smirk on her face as he smiled.

"I'll see you guys later." She walked away. On the way out of the group, though, she noticed Jeff's face. He looked sadder than usual. She wish she'd known him well enough to be able to tell what he was thinking.

"Did you know those guys?" The man asked her as she returned to her seat at the bar, this time facing towards the bartender instead of the boys.

"No." She lied again.

"He looked like he enjoyed it." The man was very focused on her lips.

"Probably." She knew what the man would say next, hearing it verbatem in her head as he said it.

"Maybe I would enjoy it, too." He was very close to her now. Uncomfortably close.

"I don't think so." His hand landed on her thigh, a little too close to the hem of her skirt. Her sixth sense was tingling again, and she attempted to spin the bar stool to check on her friends. The man grabbed it though, stopping her from changing direction. "Where do you think you're going?" His breath was hot and sticky this time. His hand creeped closer to her skirt. She used the hand on her free side to reach for the small can of pepper spray in her bag, just in case things went wrong.

"Bro, back the fuck off of her." Jeff's voice immediately brought out a sigh of relief from y/n.

"And who the fuck are you?" The man spun around, keeping a grip on the girl.

"I'm her friend, now back the fuck off, she's obviously uncomfortable." Jeff's accent seemed intimidating, but not intimidating enough to scare the man away.

"I thought you came here alone?" The man was now angry with y/n.

"Strangers wouldn't be strangers without secrets." She spun her stool towards Jeff, admiring his firm stature for the first time.

"You gonna leave her alone now?" Jeff stepped closer to the two, sizing up the creepy man.

"You can't just come in here and ruin our moment, dude." The man stood up now. He had a few inches on Jeff.

"You didn't have a fucking moment, asshole. She wants nothing to do with you, fucking creep." The boys were really going at it now, so y/n texted David.

Bar. Now. Jeffs about to fight someone.

David gathered the rest of the boys and hurried to the bar as soon as he recieved the text. His camera was on, but he also didn't wanna escalate the situation even further.

The man was now really mad that Y/n had lied to him. "You fucking lied to me, you cunt!" He lunged towards her. Jeff jumped in front of him, protecting her, as the other boys tried to hold the man back.

She had dropped her mysterious persona at this point, genuinely terrified that someone would get hurt. She grabbed on to Jeff's arm, feeling him flex as adrenaline ran through his veins.

The boys underestimated this man's strength, for he managed to free his right arm, and land a right hook to Jeff's jaw. Blood dripped out of his mouth. Jeff was fuming now, not wanting anybody to take advantage of him, or embarass him in front of the girl he thought so highly of. Jeff slipped out of y/n's grip, punching the man in the nose.

Before things could escalate any more, security had arrived and helped separate the two bloody men. They also kicked the entire group out of the club. The man sat against a wall outside, trying to get the blood to stop pouring out of his nostrils. The gang walked back towards David's Tesla.

"What happened? Why were you fighting?" David asked as he pointed the camera towards y/n and Jeff. She was too embarassed to say anything, knowing it was all her fault.

"He was feeling her up, and she wasn't feelin' it. I wasn't gonna watch her go through that." Jeff spit blood onto the sidewalk as y/n linked her hand in his. She had a new affinity for him. Something about him protecting her just really turned her on.

"Jeff, stop being so nice, you make the rest of us look like dicks." Todd joked, causing everyone to laugh. Even y/n cracked a smile.

David dropped Jeff off at his apartment, and everyone "ooooooh'ed" as y/n got out with him. She thanked David for the ride and went inside with Jeff.

"You didn't have to do that for me, but thank you." She smiled.

"I couldn't stand seeing you with anybody else anymore. Especially after you made out with Zane." Jeff unlocked his door and held it open for her.

"Why do you care that I made out with Zane? It was just a bit." She questioned him as she looked around Jeff's apartment. She had never been here before.

"I gotta take Nerf for a walk, I'll be right back." Jeff ignored her question as a cute french bulldog ran out into the entryway.

"Answer my question." She demanded, watching Jeff hook up the dog on a leash.

"Be right back." He shut the door behind him as he left with the dog.

She spent most of her time alone thinking about how little she actually knows Jeff, and how what he did for her was a huge character development in her mind. The door opened, and Jeff entered with his dog.

"I care because I was supposed to be the one to make out with you." He said, pretending to be more focused on the dog than the girl. She looked at him quizzically.

"Then why did David tell me to make out with Zane?" She was very confused now.

"Well, that was just to get you to come near us, considering you always come to the club just to sit and watch us, which I don't understand at all." Jeff sat on the couch, y/n followed. She smiled at the fact that he really did wonder why she came. "But if you woulda listened to David, he was gonna tell you to make out with both of us." Jeff ran his hand through his hair, and leaned his elbow on the top of the couch.

"I'll tell you why I just sit and watch you later, but why did you wanna kiss me so bad?" She just wanted to understand him.

"Because, y/n, I fucking like you, okay?" He grabbed her hand. "I've been trying to show you that, but you always seem like you want nothing to do with me. Now I'm sittin' here like an asshole, pouring my heart out to you, when you probably don't even like me." He was talking faster now, his accent thickening as he spoke.

"If I wanted nothing to do with you I would've just gone home." She reasoned with him. Before he could speak again she closed the distance between them. Their lips locked together instantly, feeling like they were made to be together. His hands found her waist as she climbed into his lap.

"Tell me all of your secrets." She said to him as she pulled away.

"What?" He brushed a hair out of her face. Her eye contact was very intense as she looked at Jeff with a new lust in her eyes.

"Strangers wouldn't be strangers without secrets, and I don't wanna be strangers anymore."

#jeff wittek x reader #jeff wittek imagine #jeff wittek #vlog squad imagine #vlog squad #david #david x reader #david dobrik imagine #david dobrik #todd smith #toddy smith #scotty sire #scott sire #davids vlogs #zane hijazi #vlog squad imagines

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littlebitoffanfic · 5 years

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Insanity

Fandom: Texas Chainsaw Massacre Characters: Nubbins, Drayton, Bubba Relationship: Nubbins/reader Request: Hi could you do another Nubbinsxreader ? Maybe about him falling in love with one of the victims and the victim likes him back? Thanks When your cousins friend pulled over for the hitchhiker, you couldn’t help but be totally mesmerised by this strange person who had clambered into the back of the van. He saw next to you while the others squeezed up towards the front of the van. The only reason you had came on this stupid road trip with your cousin and her 3 friends was because you were going to jump off somewhere and start fresh. You hated them with a passion. Stuck up adult children with little sense of what others might go through in their life’s when their mommy and daddy aren’t footing the bill. Like this man, he was obviously having a hard time and you had done your best to pull over and let him in. He was very smiley, chuckling every now and again as the van kept silent. Suddenly, he started to ruffle through his bag and turn to you. “Look, look here.” He pulled out a camera and raised it up, taking two quick succession snap shots of you. you blinked, but unable to stop yourself from laughing at the strange action. the prints came out and he quickly grabbed them, placing them to the side. “Why did you take her picture?” Mark, your cousins boyfriend pipped up. “Pretty girl, pretty, picture.” He held up the photo which was actually rather nice. The shock hadn’t fully hit you so you just looked a little quizzical. It certainly wasn’t the worse picture of you in the world. “Good picture, see.” He held it up to Mark who quickly reached out to snatch it out of the mans hand but he was quicker. “Not yours, hers.” He growled, sounding rather aggressive before holding the picture out to you. You smiled and took it. “but didn’t he take two?” Your cousin asked and you could tell the line of questioning along with the disgusted looks were getting on the mans nerves. “No, he just took one. It’s a double flash camera.” You lie through your teeth, knowing there was no such think but the group let out a collective ‘ahh’ as if they knew. You send the man a knowing smirk as you turned back to him and he seemed to be beaming at you. “Do you do a lot of photography?” you ask, moving a little closer to him. “Yeah, yeah!” Back into his bag he went and pulled out a bundle of photos. “use to work at the slaughter house.” He presented the photos to you and you took them. The photos were of various cattle in the different stages of being processed. “Really? How long were you there for?” you ask, flipping through the photos in fascination. It always interested you in some morbid way. “Since a child, since I was young. My brother worked there, and my pap. Family worked there.” He spouted off, seemingly enjoying talking about it. “Whats that?” you ask, holding a photo up to him. It was of a dead cow with a strange machine in the back ground. He shuffled closer to you and you pointed to what you were asking about. “Grinder. Grind up the meat real good. Make mince, and burgers. No bones can go in though. Not bones.” He tapped the photo a few times to emphasise the point. “Ive never seen one that big before. Must have been dangerous to work with.” You comment. Someone could easily lose an entire arm in there. “Can we stop talking about dead things and meat.” Your cousin started to moan as she grimaced. The man frowned at her but dropped his gaze and looked back at you. You rolled your eyes and offered him the pictures back. “sorry.” You said in a low voice so the others would hear. he took the photos and stuffed them back in his bag. You noticed him take the spare photo of you and put it in a little sack that hung around his neck. “Do you know where theres a gas station?” Simon, who had been driving the entire time, called back. “yeah, yeah, up ahead. Keep following the road. About a mile.” The man points forward, so eager to give directions. “And where are you needing dropped off?” your cousin snapped at the man. “[c/n]!” You snapped back, angry at her for being so rude. “I can get out there.” The man smiles, looking at you. He was playing about with something in his bag. Suddenly, he grabbed your hand and hauled you towards him, holding your palm face up. From his bag, he drew a blade and bought it across your palm. It wasn’t deep but it was terrifying. You heard everyone scream and Mark jumped forward, pulling the guy off you. in turn, the guy sliced his own palm as if he intended to make some blood brother promise. Simon slammed on the breaks and Mark opened the door, pushing the man and his belongings out onto the side of the road. But, for some reason, you couldn’t scream. Your hand was pulsing with pain and you couldn’t believe what just happened to you. Simon stepped on the gas and the van flew off. The man ran along side it, slamming into the side and smearing his bloodied hand over the side. But soon the van picked up enough speed. “Are you happy we picked him up now?!” Mark snapped at you, none of them really caring that you were bleeding badly. You wrapped your hand in a clean hand towel you had bought just in case. And yet, you couldn’t pull your mind away from the man. You didn’t even know his name. The others were debating about stopping at all to get gas but Simon said they had to. maybe you could ask the attendants there if they knew about the mysterious man. Soon enough, you pulled into a gas station. There were two men stepped out. Simon told the man to fill it up but the man told him the gas truck was running later and would hopefully be here within the day. You were the last to get out the van, and your hand caught the guys attention as the others debated about what to do. “what happened to your hand there?” He asked, coming up to you. “We picked up a hitchhiker. I think he took a liking to me.” You tried to shrug it off as a job. “Seems so.” The man hummed himself as his eyes fell on the blood on the side of the van. “You wouldn’t happen to know his name? he said hes from around here, and his family worked at the slaughter house.” You asked, keeping your voice low which he obviously noticed. “Don’t want your friends hearing?” he asked, dropping his voice. “There not my friends. I only came along so I can hop out somewhere and start a new life. I cant stand them.” You roll your eyes, especially when you heard the two girls squabbling once again. “Aint nothing like them, are you?” The man asked again, an eye brow raised. “No, they think im strange and weird.” You confess. “Aint nothing wrong with being weird. Most of the folks out here are weird.” The man looks around the area although there was nothing but the station. “thanks.” You smile. “I’d hug you, but im guessing you don’t want blood all over your shirt.” This got a chuckle from the man. “Nah, better not. Damn near impossible to get out of white.” He looks down at the white shirt he wore in distant. “Ive heard vinegar is good for getting blood out.” You muse, looking back to the group. “Really?” The man replies after a long pause. “listen, could you do me a favour?” “I can try.” You look back to him. “get yer friends, er, acquaintance , to stay around here for a bit. But you stay inside the station.” The man ducks down, nearly whispering to you. “Why?” you ask, frowning in confusion. “You want a new start? I can offer you one, if yer willing to work for it.” The man raised an eye brow at you. “What sort of work?” You cocked your head, very aware of the sort of work some pervs might ask you for. “Helping my brothers keep out of trouble. Maybe staying here now and then as well as some light house work.” He nodded to the station when necessary before looking back to you. “But there might be some… unsavoury things you had to see.” You paused, weighing your options. It would certainly get you out of the pickle you were in with the others, and spending a few months in the Texas heat did sound kinda nice. Plus, that curious part of you, the one that found the hitchhiker to be absolutely fascinating, wanted to know more. “Okay.” You agreed. “good. Im Drayton. You get in any sort of trouble at all, you tell ‘em my name.” he held out his hand and you took it with your not bloodied one. “[y/n].” You introduced yourself with a smile. -------time skip ------------- As requested, you persuaded the others to stay close by. They wanted to sunbath and you said you were feeling a bit queasy and went inside with Drayton and his assistant. The occasionally checked in with you but more to see if the gas truck was on its way. And then, after a few hours, it stopped. You looked out the window and you couldn’t see them. Frowning, you ducked your head a little to see if it was just the angle you were at. “Time to shut up shop.” Drayton walked in. it was nearly nightfall and his assistant had went home long ago. “What about the gas truck?” you asked, turning to him. Drayton dropped your gaze, busing himself with gather his coat. “There is no gas truck.” You stated, rather than ask as you walked up to him. “Now, now, listen-“ he seemed to get himself riled up, like he expected you to freak out and run. But you were intrigued. “Are we still going? Should I grab my things from the van?” You asked, keeping your voice sweet and calm. When he heard you, it certainly calmed him down. “yeah, come on.” The two of you walked out to his truck. He got into the driver and you jumped up into the passenger. “now, if you see that hitchhiker again, duck. Don’t need him running after my truck again.” Drayton told you as he started up the engine. “You do know him?” you asked, growing more and more curious. “yeah, don’t worry. You’ll be seeing him again.” Drayton seemed to smirk at you. he obviously knew a lot more than he was letting on. He drove out and down a side road which lead to a long path to a white house in the center. And walked down that path was the very man who had totally taken over your thoughts since you first met him. You slid down in your seat as you had been told to do. But it seems you being in the truck wasn’t what stated him running alongside. You couldn’t help but laugh. “Does he do that with every car?” You ask Drayton. “Just my damn truck. Thinks its funny.” Drayton said through gritted teeth as you sat further up once the van was past him. But when you pulled up outside the house, the man was at Draytons door. “Did, did yah keep the girl?! The one-“ He started to stutter over himself, seeming as excited as a child at Christmas. “yeah, yeah, shes in the truck.” Drayton pushed him away as he got out of the truck. In a flash, the man appeared at your side, opening the door. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you out, carrying you while he kicked the door closed. He let you down but kept a hold of your hand as he pulled you towards the house. “Hang on a damn minute!” Drayton called out but it apparently landed on deaf ears as he continued to pull you inside the house. “BUBBA!” He screams into the house, and you heard movement within the house. Someone came out of a side room and you felt fear flood your body. The man, Bubba, was massive with a bloodied apron and a mask. He let out a scared whine and seemed to panic. “No, no, no. Shes staying.” He put himself between you both as he calmed down Bubba. You couldnt speak as you watched the stranger interaction. In fact, you were in a daze until Drayton came in behind you. “He’s right. She’s gonna stay and help with the business.” Drayton walked past you all into the kitchen. “If she can stomach it.” You felt the eeriness of the house take over you as you looked around. It was old and unkept but could be beautiful. There were bones and feather scattered around the place. You totally missed what happened between bubba and the guy, whos name you still didn’t know. “I don’t know.” He said in a confused voice, as if it was stupid not to. He turned to you. “What’s your name?” “[y/n].” You told him, amused. “nice, that’s a nice name.” He nodded frantically before trying to pull you into the house, but you dug your heels into the ground. “Wait, I don’t even know your name.” You laugh at his eagerness. “Oh, its Nubbins.” He called over his shoulder, still trying to pull you forward as Bubba was called by Drayton. “Nubbins?” You laughed a little at the strange name. “Wait, wait two seconds.” He kind of reminded you of an excited child in the way he moved sometimes. “wait, can you at least tell me why you cut my hand.” You pulled back, managing to free your hand from his. Your cut hand had been seen to by Drayton, who had wrapped it up nicely in clean bandages for you. “Oh, didn’t hurt you too badly. Tried not to.” He turned to you, taking your bandaged hand in his own as he looked it over and seemed genuinely concerned. “No, its okay now. Stings a little.” You comfort him a little. “That’ll stop. Always does.” He shows you his own hand which was unseen to and still bloodied but dry. You gasped, pulling his hand closer to you as you tried to see if he had cut himself deep. “Had to mark yah so cook knew not to harm you. so, you can stay here.” This time, his voice wasn’t filled with the same level of energy as before. He spoke more mature, and with genuine worry. “Do you choose a lot of girls?” You ask as you don’t dare look up at him. “No, aint ever met one like you before.” His words draw your attention back up to meet his gaze. “Well, it would seem I owe you a great debt, considering what I think might have happened to the others.” You couldnt help but smile a little as you looked at him. It was totally insane. Everything was. Any rational, sane person wouldn’t leave her friends for dead to run off with some hitchhiker she just met. But you weren’t like any other girl. You were willing to fall into this strange world he pulled you to, ready to embrace the good and the bad parts. “Hmmm.” He raised his unhurt hand to head, scratching his scalp in fake thought. “A kiss would certainly clear your debt.” you saw the small twinkle in his eyes as well as the smile on his lips. You couldn’t say no. “Sounds a fair trade.” You smirk before leaning forward and pressing your lips to his. He jumped, obviously not expecting you to accept so quickly. In fact, he stood there for a moment seemed lost in your lips before finally kissing you back. His arms twisted around your waist and he pulled you against his body. “Bubba, you idiot, yer gonna burn it.” You heard shouted from the kitchen by Drayton, but it was enough to make you jump and pull away. “Don’t worry ‘bout him. Leaves all the dirty work up to me and Bubba.” Nubbins laughed slightly, refusing to let you go, not that you minded. “Oh, well I better keep on your good side.” You smirk, cuddling against his and resting your head on his shoulder. Whatever crazed world you had stepped into, you didn’t know and didn’t really care. Maybe you were just as insane as Nubbins on some level, not that that really mattered in the end. It was complete insanity and you loved it. Beside sanity was always such a fleeting thing.

#Texas Chainsaw Massacre #nubbins sawyer #nubbins x reader #nubbins sawyer x reader

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remmiesaloser · 4 years

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13 Years | 4 Weeks

honestly, I dont know which of the two have been longer in my life.

so recently I ended a 13 year long relationship with the guy I've been dating since my freshman year of high school. it took me this long to understand, acknowledge, and accept the relationship was emotionally (and borderline physically) abusive and thanks two my two best friends and a very nice therapist I asked him to move out.

I thought the overwhelming life style change would be the hardest. I haven't been alone since I was 14 and it took me a long time to build up the courage to end things because I am terrified of change and had little to no idea what to do without him. to my surprise I've adapted to being alone pretty well. the loneliness does get to me sometimes - I miss those moments we had where we could have a conversation without speaking. I miss over a decade’s worth of inside jokes, and it still hurts when I see something and instantly think of him cause it was our thing.

its a daily struggle to remind myself why I did this because its frighteningly easy to minimize the damage he did when he’s not here to do it every day. the gaslighting and emotional manipulation isn't something that just switches off or diminishes with distance. somehow, in some super shitty, unfair way, it gets worse. because im left alone with my thoughts that he’s managed to turn against me and they’re still working angles for him that catch me off-guard sometimes. I still battle with guilt for making him move out, because I feel terrible that now he’s stuck living with his mom and all his things are in boxes. and I hate that it’s gonna take a long time for that to go away.

but I digress. because all of that isn’t the hardest part. the hardest part is getting him the fuck out of this apartment. we 'ended things’ April 5th. there are quotes around that because we haven’t officially broken up. like, I told him I needed a break till he gets his shit together, and he’s all but moved out, but I haven’t even changed our relationship status on Facebook (yay, guilt!) and we haven't really agreed that we’re broken up. Jesus, again I digress. ANYWAYS. I knew it was gonna be a process to move him out because our lives are so intertwined that we’ve had to go through rooms and drawers and boxes one by one separating our shit. and this process has been fucking agonizing because he is dragging his goddamn feet.

Initially I thought we were gonna bang this out in a weekend, get all the shit out and be done. A month later, and there’s still a pile of his shit at the top of the stairs, a handful of things in the corner of the living room (including the giant china cabinet filled with his things) and his grandmother’s dishes in my cupboards. but that’s a post for another day. because right now im just gonna vent about him taking his sweet ass time, being insanely petty, and still somehow fucking manipulating me when he doesn’t even live here anymore.

honestly the pettiness and inconsideration for my own time and requests is the biggest thing that’s getting to me, what’s driving me to write this. most of the time he’s been here for his shit, his mom’s been with him, and I was chalking up a lot of the pettiness to her. because he’d be here to get the things from the living room, and hours after they'd left I’d notice small things had been taken from other parts of the house. now some of the stuff he’s taken was his, just something I was using with him that I’d assumed he’d at least mention he was taking. im a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them and honestly unless it’s something from my family or something that I bought that was expensive, I don’t care. he can have it. It’s more the fact that, when I need something all of a sudden I cant find it and realize he took it.

like, his nana’s pots and pans. They’re a really nice set his mom let us have and I fully expected them gone. my only request was that he give me a heads up so I could go out and get my own set when he planned to take them because with them gone, all I’d have left is a few frying pans. This is our conversation from that weekend:

This was Saturday afternoon. He never told me he wasn’t going to come by Saturday, and gave me a 15 minute heads up he was on his way over on Sunday - which did me no good because I wasn’t even home. That meant I couldn’t clean out the dressers (I didnt want to do it until the day he was going to get them because I would have to leave my clothes on the bed until I could get my own dresser from my parent’s house once his were gone). When I got home, all of my clothes were thrown on my bed and the ground.I had to rewash a bunch of shit, refold everything, and then clean the entire room from the mess that was made.

fucking on top of that, his mom decided to take the pots and pans. I’d specifically asked him Saturday because I was going to Walmart and could have bought a new set for myself while there. I didn't want to buy them until I needed to because I’m trying to save money and didn’t get paid that weekend, so I figured if he’s not taking them I don’t need to get things until I get paid next weekend. Wrong. I had to go out that night again and get a set because, as I said, all I had were 3 frying pans and a skillet thing. Oddly enough, she didn’t take the dishes. They were her mom’s, just like the pots and pans, and for some reason she didn’t want them... don’t worry, I already plan to pack them up this weekend and give them back because lord knows what’ll happen if I dont and she decides she wants them six years from now.

honestly though the biggest level of petty was the Tylenol PM. I know, it’s not a big deal. But it’s just one of those little things that I stopped and was like, are you fucking kidding me. I noticed that, after taking his bed and dressers, the pack of tissues he’d got us from Sam’s was gone. Again, he bought them, whatever. would’ve been nice for him to tell me so I had a heads up to fucking get them when I was at Walmart but whatever. he also took a 6-pack of toilet paper he’d gotten literally the day we ended things (because he’d gone to king Soopers with his mother instead of talking to me about the fight we’d had) and he’d initially told me to keep it, it was for me anyways. I noticed just last weekend it was gone.

but the fucking Tylenol PM. I'm not one to buy brand name medicine. if I can get store brand, I will. Almost all my medicine is store brand except that Tylenol PM because I was really sick one year and wanted the good stuff. Y’all know how expensive Tylenol is. I sprang for it, and I used it sparingly because I didnt want to have to buy more if I didn’t really need it. Well, two weekends ago I fell down a fucking mountain. I was running a trail down a mountain, tripped, flew through the air, and landed on my shoulder and kneecap. It still hurts, and that day I was in a lot of pain. The regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen that I’d been switching back and forth with all day just wasn’t doing the trick and I was like, okay. this is a Tylenol PM kind of pain. That night, right before bed, I went to grab it from the bathroom cabinet.

it was gone. the rest of my medicines, the store brand acetaminophen and store brand ibuprofen, those were still there, but the Tylenol PM was gone. It has exclusively only lived either on the dresser/nightstand in the bedroom, or the bathroom cabinet. as he took the dresser and nightstand, and it wasn’t in the cabinet, it had been taken. I cannot tell you how livid I was. it still pisses me off. because of all the things to take he took that. Not the rest of his bathroom shit, not even all his shit from the bedroom. but he took the Tylenol PM. I even asked if he knew where it might be - thinking he’d come across it at some point. he told me “it’s always been in the linen closet” where the rest of our medicines are. It was never there, but I checked the entire closet just in case - nothing. Again, I know it’s small. it’s just a bottle of pills. but it’s the whole damn thought behind it.

there’s more things too - the fact that no, he doesn’t take all his things from a certain room, and I have to then box the rest of his shit up, move it out of my way, and clean the room that he trashed.

It’s the fact that 90% of the things on our walls were his (which helps show me how little say I had on my own things in the apartment I exclusively pay for) and now that he’s taken them, he’s left the walls, hooks, and nails behind. most of them are up way above my head - he needed a ladder to put them in - and now they’re littered all over the wall. today, as he worked to get the shit from our front bedroom (hopefully the last things he’ll need to get) I asked him if he could also get the nails and hooks out of the wall because I can’t reach them. he asked me, “did you try using the step-ladder?”. I answered no, and he simply said, “that should work then”. Like, no. you put those up, so you could display all the things of yours YOU wanted to display (3 out of 4 walls in the room were covered with his things) and now he can’t even take the tacks down even though he took the hangings down.

and then of course, it’s the fact that he just leaves a mess in his wake. when he first moved things out of the living room it was a mess. I spent hours rearranging shit, packing up the rest of his shit that he left behind, and then cleaning up everything because I still have to live here. it was the same with the bedroom. and now it’s gonna be the same thing with the front room. I told him today that everything needs to be out by next weekend because I can’t do this every weekend. He asked what I meant by ‘this’ and explained that I was tired of having to clean up everything that got messed up. He told me simply “it’s not being destroyed. I’m just taking my things”. At the moment the entire room was in shambles, everything askew from him digging his things out and leaving my stuff lying in piles. It’s cleaned up now - save the pile of boxes and junk at the top of the stairs - but I told him I have to clean up the mess that’s left behind. He didn’t have an answer for that.

Honestly there’s really not a point to this. I’m just pissed, I’m annoyed, and I’m angry, and I’m sad. I’m just tired. And I wanted to vent. So if you stuck with me through this, I wanna thank you for listening. I appreciate being heard, because I haven’t been for so long. your time means a lot to me.

#abuse #emotional abuse #physical abuse #mental abuse #gaslighting #manipulation #breakup #ending a relationship #thoughts #rant

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flamingjets · 5 years

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arya and gendry fanfic

His ears were ringing, his head hurt, his legs felt like two useless weights attached to his body and he couldn't move them. What was he saying his entire body hurt and he couldn't for the life of himself remember what the hell happened.

The last thing he could remember was Arya and him in the forge on the soft piles of hay that they had just made love on for the first time. Arya was sleeping on his chest as he had his arm wrapped around her as he felt her hair on his face and truth me told it was the best feeling in the world. Those three others girls that he had been with, and when Arya asked how many girls he had been with he was down right terrified to tell her yet couldn't keep it away from her, she could ask him anything and he would tell her without question. This woman made his heart race and the blood in his veins burn through his body, he definitely didnt need the forge to keep him warm when she was around. He remembered laying there only to have the horns blow and both of them jarring awake ready to attack whatever was possibly coming at them. Nothing was there but that didnt prevent him from putting his arm out in front of her and his hands balled into fists and to his shock her reaction was the exact same as his until they got their bearings and realized what was truly coming. They quickly dressed and he remembered looking at her to memorize her form and every inch of her just in case it was the last time he saw her. Don’t think like that you bloody idiot was what he was telling himself before she grabbed him by his collar and kissed him hard. “This battle is going to be dangerous, bloody and people are going to die but you you stay alive done die! I dont want to lose you again.” she told him against his lips as he wrapped his arms around her one last time. “As you wish milady. And the same goes for you I didn’t follow you once this time im not going to leave you.” He smiled against her lips. They both gripped each other one last time and both ran out of the room.

He remembered battling in the courtyard against several white walkers and wights as he swung his hammer and pounding their heads in. At one point he had gotten knocked down and was attempting to keep from getting his head sliced off by a wight when the hound showed up and cleaved the wight in half. The hound grabbed him and pulled him up nodded and continued on his way into another fight. He looked up at the top of the walls at one point and saw Arya and Jon Snow fighting back to back against several white walkers and she was using the weapon he had made for her with expertise and it was awesome to watch. It was just a moment but it made him smile as he turned to take out another wight. The last thing he remembered was standing near the forge and fighting off several wights with other then behind him fire ball hit the forge and it exploded sending him flying. That was the last thing he remembered before everything went dark.

The fighting was brutal and blood stained the ground of Winterfell. Arya hear the forge explosion and turned around to see several men get blasted away along with several wights and get caught underneath the rumble. The wights and white walkers were still coming strong and they were starting to lose the momentum in the fight and Arya knew at the moment Winterfell had fallen. She could see the dragons in the ski burning hundreds of wights in one sweep but it wasn't enough. Jon was ordering the retreat of the remaining men and the dragon queen was doing the same and ordering everyone to the ships to escape. She saw people running out of the crypts in terror and she realized that it was the worst place to have the woman and children go it was full of dead bodies! Jon grabbed her from behind screaming at her that they had to go and half carried half dragged her away toward the ships. The last thing she saw of winterfell her home was being burned to the ground by the dragons in order to kill any wights and white walkers in there. Winterfell had fallen and no longer would there be a Stark there unless they were dead. She was devastated.

They were heading to a place Dany had said would be a good place to go and defend and make more dragon glass weapons. Arya walked around the boat checking on the wounded and seeing who was still alive. Sansa gave her a huge hug when she saw her and Arya was relieved to see her alive and Bran was there as well with Jamie, Brienne and tyrion. She didnt see the hound anywhere but Bran said the hound had gotten him back to the ships. Arya found out that Theon didn’t make it, he died protecting Bran. Sansa was crying over his death. Arya made it around the whole ship looking for the one person she prayed was still alive, Gendry, but he wasn't on the ship and she looked several times just in case she missed him but he wasn't there. Was he dead? was his body burning at Winterfell after the dragons burned it to the ground? For no good reason she was angry at him! She told him to stay alive and don’t die and in his way calling her milady he told her he wouldn’t. A promise she knew was impossible to keep but she didn’t care she loves him she admitted to herself right here and now she loves and after their night together and finally letting herself feel agains he can’t just lose him all over again! Tears in her eyes she walked to the railings of the ship willing herself not to cry. What possibly gave her hope was that when she looked out to the water she saw other ships sailing with them and prayed that he was on one of them!

When Gendry regained consciousness again he was staring at the face of the hound. Fantastic just the ugly face he wanted to see the moment he opened his eyes. As he attempted once again to sit up his ribs screamed out in pain in the movement and he grunted as he gripped his chest with his arm. The hound immediately got up and pushed him back down. “Don't hurt yourself anymore than you have to blacksmith we are almost at our destination. And as people keep reminding me we need you in order to make better stronger weapons.” Gendry looked at him and figured the hound hated to be playing babysitter watching him. “Great thanks for your concern but you can go help the others instead of sitting here watching a lowly bastard. And your axe was strong enough since it didn’t break when you were crushing heads.” Gendry eyed the axe as the hound spun it around in his hands. The hound glared at him growled and then departed leaving Gendry in peace as he one again attempted to get up. “Fuck!” Gendry screamed in pain but that didn’t matter he managed to slowly get up and check to see he had all his limbs intact. Pain is always good proof that he was still alive and not dreaming. He inspected himself in a small mirror and just as he expected he was covered in dirt, blood, sweat and god knows what else but he survived yippee. Now there was one person he wanted to find. Arya. After looking around the ship he didnt see Arya and was starting to panic alittle, who was he kidding he was about to have a full blown panic attack but he noticed several other ships sailing next to his and the only hope he had left was she was on one of them.

The ships made it to their new destination and everyone started to unload the injured, weapons that they had and other items they had quickly grabbed before they escaped Winterfell. It was a castle surrounded by rocks and water and hopefully would be a good fortress yet the night king had a freaking dead dragon so what possibly could these rock walls stop. Arya watched other ships come in and scanned the people disembarking. She witnessed the hound coming off one ship and she walked toward him as he noticed her. He gave her a nodded that indicated he was happy she as alive but then again he knew she was a survivor and no white walker was going to take her down easily. He saw her scanning the area and he figured she was looking for a certain someone and based on what happened at Winterfell he guessed she was looking for a certain bastard blacksmith that he found slightly annoying and at times on the ship wanted to smack with his axe but he stopped himself or Arya would kill him in his sleep. “You can stop looking at who is coming over the boats milady he's not there. He already disembarked with the other wound. The bastard blacksmith you are looking for is over there near that soggy cave with the others.” The hound pointed toward a cave where others had put the injured and were setting up a new area for the forge they would need. Arya was shocked the hound knew who she was looking for as she whirled around to see the cave he was referring to. She looked at him as he chuckled “He was super annoying and wouldn't listen when he was told to not get up and move around with his injuries. I had the displeasure of minding him before he started getting snarky.” The hound then turned away and walked toward another group.

Gendry attempted to help setting up the forge but the pain was unbearable and he had to sit down and catch his breathe while trying not to scream out in pain for grunting and taking deep breaths was the next best thing. He collapsed on the closest cot as he grabbed his chest to try to will away the pain. Yep that didn’t work at all. As he leaned forward and put his head into his hand he felt hands on his arms and shoulders. His immediate response was to look at who was near him and to flinch away from the touch. When he looked at who was touching him his eyes came in contact with Arya’s! He has never been so relieved to see anyone in his life. The tension left his body as he leaned into Arya’s touch.

Arya raced over to Gendry and she witnessed him collapse on a near cot in obvious pain as he grabbed his chest swearing to himself and looking like he was keeping himself from screaming. Arya dropped to her knees in front of him as she gripped his arms and his shoulders to make sure he was there alive and in front of her and it wasn’t her imagination. She must of shocked him when he flinched away from her touch and attempted to see who was grabbing him. The moment his eyes met hers the instant relief she saw must of mirrored her own the tension that was there a second ago disappeared as he leaned into her touch. “I kept my promise milady. Just a little scraped up and bruised.” He smiled as he said the name she hated but it was his way of saying I love you. “Yes you did keep your promise but you scared the shit out of me!” Arya raised her hand to his cheek as he sighed into it.

She checked his injuries and cleaned a few of them up as he kept his one hand on her thigh or keeping his eyes on her making she didn’t disappear and he was indeed dreaming or dead. Everyone was starting to grow tired as exhaustion and fatigue from the battle caught up to them and the tension was starting to disappear. Gendry had laid down on the cot as Arya had draped a blanket over him. HIs eyes were starting to close even though he tried to keep them open his hand sought out hers as she remained by his side. The adrenaline was waring off and she was starting to feel fatigue set in as well. Her eyes were closing and she felt Gendry grip her hand as he raised the blanket off him offering her a spot next to him on the cot. She took off her weapon belt and her cloak and without hesitation climbed onto the cot next to him and before she laid down she gave him a kiss. Soft but full of meaning that he replicated in his kiss. She turned and pressed her back to his chest hopefully not hurting him to much as he covered them both up and wrapped one arm around her waist and pulling her closer to him as she grabbed his hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. Sleep was coming quickly and she heard him whisper into her hair “I love you, Arya.” as his breathing slowed. “I love you Gendry.” She whispered as she closed her eyes and fell asleep in the arms of the man she loved.

#gendrya #arya x gendry #arya stark #gendry baratheon

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 5 years

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going off the back of that post that i reblogged last night about being a virgin/not dating/not having had a relationship by your 20s should be normalised and not shamed.... i thought I’d make a separate post bc meh anyway.

but yeah going off that post, I hate how when I was 17/18 and 18/19 when I had guys approach me on facebook for sex/a relationship/to date etc the question i had the most from all of those men (who at the time were in their early-to-mid 20s) was “are you like waiting for marriage or some stupid fucking bullshit for losing your virginity? like why the fuck haven’t you slept with someone yet? you’re 17-19! you’re obvs broken and let me/us (the us part was when it was 2 dudes, one trying to set me up with his friend) fucking fix you! what the fuck?” and then obviously that rant devolved into my typical point of “you should’ve fucked someone by the time you were 15!” bullshit rant that all of these men rattled off after the marriage/virginity question.

but no. i’m not waiting for marriage to have sex/lose my very non-existent purely social construct virginity. no. i’m not waiting for it to be “special” bc I know a lot of losing your virginity is MEANT to be awkward and funny and uncomfortable, unlike all the media around it making it seem seamless and perfect half the time.

but you know what I’m waiting for? a person that fucking respects that, in a sense. a person who doesn’t fucking think their stupid fucking mostly good-for-nothing genitals (ok in these cases it obvs a dick) will magically control me and “make you (me) into a real woman who loves real dick, real men, and real sex” which is something that “I’ll give you sex lessons in my car” guy literally said to me in 2014 when he was angry at me for not having lost my virginity by 18/19. im waiting for just like the bare minimum respect level that SO MANY MEN fucking refuse to fucking meet that it makes me fucking sick.

warning: this next part mentions suicide/self-harm.

like y’all I went through a lot with my stalker constantly harassing me with his “will you fucking hurry up and fucking consider that wonderful weekend of sex down the coast, so that I can be the first to have your virginity???!!! (and also so that I don’t try and kill myself, you selfish bitch!)” act. like why in all honest fuck would I give it to a guy that consistently threatened me with his suicide/generally threatened self-harm each time I refused to touch him? why would i give it to the guy who made me terrified that he’d punch me in the face if i ever called that bullshit out or generally criticised his behaviour in any way, shape, or form???? why would i give it to the boy who DEMANDED in first two days of knowing me, that i “hurry up and get on the pill so that I can fuck you!” and then followed that up with refusing to use condoms and then the “we’ll get married & have kids one day bc you’re girlfriend material” line, as if he was going to trap me at 16 with a kid to be his baby mama, and then never let me go to uni etc bc i obviously had to be stuck with the kid while he fucked off and fucked around with other girls.

like y’all 16 year old me mentally read my stalker for fucking FILTH each time he pulled his bullshit acts. she knew that he was abusive/manipulative/controlling etc. why the FUCK would she give him the satisfaction of “being the first to fuck you (her)” like she was some gatekept special unicorn or other fucked up shit???? virginity is used to control women by these creepy manipulative men. and the men mentioned in the first half of this post all were like “like yeah he sounds fucking yikes, but you should’ve just fucked him anyway; to be normal and to not be a fucking stuck up, frigid virgin bitch like you are now! you should of just given the guy a chance!!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬 maybe he would’ve treated you right if you fucked him and gave him what he wanted!!!! lower your fucking standards!!!!😡” like no????????? and y’all are really going to excuse suicide threats/self-harm threats and other violence towards women, over a woman not having lost her virginity yet???? what THE ACTUAL FUCK IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?????? you are MOTHERFUCKING TRASH and you need to FUCKING LEAVE.

then yes there was the less yikes clear braces guy at catholic school. but all the same. 14/15 year old me DID NOT LIKE HIM in that way at all. I didn’t want to fucking touch him, because everything about him disgusted me (which was super fucking rude I’ll admit, but yeah).

but why the fuck was she expected to give up her virginity/have a relationship at all etc with a boy that she NEVER had feelings for???? why was she ALWAYS dismissed (typically more often by male students, but also by some female students and then eventually teachers) when she said she didn’t like him???? and even after she fucking dumped him???? WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO BELIEVE GIRLS/WOMEN when they say that they DON’T LIKE and NEVER LIKED someone?????

but other than that, why was I expected to give myself to him??? I had boys who always said to me “I bet you’d love licking the shit out of his braces. yeah get that nasty shit out of there for him with your tounge... I bet you dream about it” and other vile shit about this guy’s psoriasis etc, and other shit like that for 3 straight fucking years..... and then those boys fucking wondered why i’d fucking slap them and storm out of fucking class.... and then they always pretended to act all nice after it. why the FUCK was i expected to endure that?????

this is the relationship where the WHOLE year group pressured me into it (or at least I felt super pressured by my entire year) bc even the other half of the year started to harass me about it. whenever i told anyone to fuck off about it, they’d just push it harder. it was a fucking mortifyingly awkward and awful relationship where i never answered his texts.... where he would spell my name wrong although I was his “best friend” (although yes autocorrect but you wouldn’t over sight that in a text to your girlfriend, right?) and where I constantly faked sick or totally ignored his advances for dates...... by actually going over my friends houses, instead of going to the movies with him.... and then when he moved schools at the end of 2010 I felt like it was my fault bc I’d dumped him???? so he’d lost a good friend after that??? idek man teenagers suck lmao

but in the whole story about clear braces guy, I think you can see the underlying thing there was that i OBVIOUSLY wasn’t ready for a relationship, and honestly I don’t think this guy was either..... considering that when he asked me out over the phone he seemed awkward about it I suppose.... like we’d been pressured into FOR 3 YEARS of constant harassment from our year group..... so he felt like he HAD to ask me out finally. and then when he made it “facebook official” i gagged... and then snapped and then yelled at him. i was fucking livid. i cringed at the couple selfie he took of us at the end of one PE lesson after the “fb official” disaster. it was a fucking nightmare lmao.

can y’all see that this SHOULD NOT HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED AT ALL if we’d just left been left fucking alone to be friends that talked every day???? like yes he had his story of having a crush on me since the start of 2008/year 7, but I always felt nothing like that for him. EVER. we were just two metalhead friends bonding over parkway drive and marilyn manson and emo kids bonding over adtr and other bands which everyone else was into anyway.

like I did feel sorry for him in my class bc no one would sit with him, bc he was a bit weird (the braces thing didn’t help him either). he talked to me too bc most of my class was scared of me and my very dramatic screaming matches with teachers/emotional outbursts that would get me sent out of so many classes for most of year 7. but i always, ALWAYS saw us as just friends. basically it was just my group that believed that I didn’t like him (well eventually) bc they always got up and moved away whenever braces dude came to sit with me at at lunch/recess. like my group was embarrassed for me or something???? idek man.

but yeah. my point with braces guy is that why fuck should I have been pressured into that??? and ESPECIALLY why the actual fuck did it have to be a fucking whole year group level of sustained harassment for 3 straight years, where on every fucking level I WAS FUCKING IGNORED by everyone????.... and where that sustained harassment made me feel as though if I’d said no, i would’ve been called a selfish bitch/whore/slut bc teenagers are dumb as fuck. like even teachers started pushing it from time to time by 2010. i fucking hated it. why should a teenager be harassed ON THAT LEVEL FOR THAT LONG while still being invalidated..... and then still be expected to have a good view of relationships and sex exploration after that???? like it warped my views so much.... and then gave me a big part of a horrible fucking year long depressive episode in 2011..... and also gave me a weirdly obsessive and deathly obvious crush on one of the very popular pretty boys who had pushed me into that relationship anyway.... especially when that said boy gave me a flirtatious comment when I was “going out” with braces boy. like how the fuck is any of that healthy???? why was I expected to lose my virginity to someone I never had feelings for in the first place????

so yeah. this is my view on why people never having had a relationship/never had sex/not lot their virginity by their 20s should be a more normalised thing not to be shamed for...... and why teenagers should NEVER be harassed to have relationship that they don’t want, fucking period. just relationships in high school are fucking awful.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona whines about her shitty life to her followers lol #ilona whines about her shitty luck with men to her followers lol #trigger warning: suicide mention #i fucking hate all of these situations #ilona’s rants about her high school stalker

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rebelpuff-a · 5 years

Text

forced kin is a very mojo jojo heavy episode so get ready for some sibling love yall. forgive me because i can’t stop thinking of mojo jojo as @jojoisnomo‘s jojo, so we’re living. i might watch the sleepover episode next.

the girls called out of kindergarten again

ok so techinically they just left cause superhero but like do these girls ever stay for a full day how did they graduate kindergarten

fly directly into space without question so they literally do not need oxygen

powerpuff starburst ray

literally just all three girls’ energy blasts all at once

the girls’ uniforms are multipurpose (use part of bc’s dress as a rubber band). will work this into a headcanon later.

plan x q

untested plan. girls constantly working on updating their moves.

move fast enough to make it seem as if there are duplicates of themselves, essentially making multiple attacks at once

blossom thinks of mojo jojo immediately when they need help.

the girls still need their big brother.

“the most evilest of evil minds.” blossom is stroking jojo’s ego even when he’s not around.

buttercup is the first to say “no!!!” still upset over when he left.

“just because you’re a super villain you think you can walk in here and not pay???!!!!” “yes. *wack*”

i stan one monkey man

“we want you to be evil!” “what?” “whaT?”

“we, uh, need your help mojo.” blossom cuts right to the chase. mojo looks so happy. oh my god. he wants to be needed so much.

jojo covers it up immediately by laughing. but i’m not fooled. he smiled for a bit and then turned sour. he wasn’t sour the entire time. he loves his sisters.

“what a jerk!!!” buttercup still pissed at him. doesn’t get over that til she’s like 8 tbqh.

mojo’s not at a supermarket like the professor is when he goes shopping. he’s at a smaller, fancier place. bougie.

stubborn jojo refuses to admit alien is more evil than he

i love how the girls are team up on getting him to help. they know him so well. they know he’s terrified of being forgotten and replaced and they use it to get him to help. they know their big monkey brother.

“in order to be evil, you have to look evil!!!”

and then he puts a bucket on all the girls’ head.

did you think this was in style, jojo ????

bubbles can’t even be mean to a stuffed animal.

buttercup catches on to the “mean” lessons very quickly.

townsville is powered by uranium.

“you must gather all the stinky cheese you can gather!”

bougie foodie. amanda’s portrayal, as always, is on point.

jojo is so smart he can predict what the aliens will do buT NOT STOP IT ???

how did this wooly mammoth get to townsville so fast

once again, mojo jojo is saving the day

buttercup craves violence, while jojo is solving this exclusively with tricks and his smarts. he put cheese on the wooly so that mice would chase it and scare it

jojo would be a super good hero

the girls are so happy for their brother !!!!!!

literally everything jojo says is exactly what he’s said. we stan a genius.

“ who’s bad! who’s bad! who’s bad! who’s bad! --- uh oh”

jojo i love you you idiot

what’s the casualty count up to in this episode jesus

siblings working together literally cleared my skin and grew my crops

“curses! that’s just what i wanted to do!”

jojo trying to rhyme on purpose i love him

JOJO GAVE BUTTERCUP THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB. HE GAVE HER THE BACKUP JOB IN CASE HIS ORIGINAL IDEA FAILED. HE TRUSTS HER

it backfired because the observatory’s telescope was hooked up to gasoline not water but still

blossom gives up on jojo first. so. there’s that.

mayor in the middle of a global crisis: “sure, baby, we can paint it red! it’s my town, we can paint it any color you like!”

mayor was lying when he said his sugar baby days were over

when told there’s an alien force of evil who wants to speak to him, he blows it off so he can flirt.

do you see why i hate the mayor

mayor is a fucking coward, runs away at the first sign of trouble

not that i’ve said this so far but every evil plan so far has been of jojo’s planning but he has no idea how the evil robot got his ideas

jojo is about to go apeshit

lmao get it

JOJO JUST WENT APESHIT

beats a robot with a hard baguette

“SAY IT!!! SAY IT!!!” “you are the most evil!!” and then the robot runs away

THE GIRLS HUG JOJO IM CRYING THEY DESERVE THIS SIBLING HUG

“i am bad i am evil i am the most evil!!!” i’m glad no one’s ever believed that

how did that alien robot get all his plans

#👊 ;; ʲᵃᶜᵏᵉᵉ ʷᵃᵗᶜʰᵉˢ ᵖᵖᵍ ( the day is saved )#👊 ;; ᵃᶰᵗᶤᵈᵒᵗᵉ ˣ ( ooc )#[hero is your government assigned kin mojo jojo]

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thcmpscn · 5 years

Text

‘’NIGHT CONVO’’ – Meston.

LOC: preston’s apartment. @fckmonax

MONA

knocks on the door, super nervous but also excited

PRESTON

takes a deep breath before opening the door “You made it in time, dinners almost ready. Come in”

MONA

grins “Yeah, of course. This has been all I could think about literally since we planned it.” steps inside and kisses his cheek

PRESTON

pulls her in for a quick hug after she kisses him “You’re hype for a chicken salad?”

MONA

“I’m so hype for chicken salad.” lingers in the hug for a bit before heading towards the kitchen “It’s kinda weird but I always wonder how the flavor of food transitions into breast milk. Like what will Venecia taste when I get back home? So many questions.”

PRESTON

“I read somewhere that food makes your milk taste saltier or sweeter, depending on what you eat.” says as they both walk into the kitchen “you’re the only person I know that would get hype for a chicken salad” laughs

MONA

“Huh. Honestly, poor kid. Unable to enjoy actual good food. Has to settle for breastmilk.” leans back against the counter, arms crossed over her chest “What can I say? I find pleasure in the little things.”

PRESTON

''I'm pretty sure milk is her favorite thing in the whole wide world right now.'' chuckles before looking at her for a sec. ''You look nice tonight.''

MONA

“Wow, she’s not nearly as complex as I thought she was.” chuckles, glances down at her outfit despite knowing exactly what she chose “Oh this? I just kinda threw something on. My only qualification was that it didn’t have spit up on it. Thanks though.”

PRESTON

''She really isn't. It'll be a minute before she's just as complex as her mama, though.'' chuckles ''You're welcome. Next time we're having burgers, no salad.''

MONA

“I’m both excited and terrified for that when that day comes.” rolls eyes “It’s gotta be a really, really special occasion. But sure, we’ll have burgers at some point.”

PRESTON

''You'll experience what its like to handle Ramona Mason. It's a lot, I'll tell you that.'' smirks and squints his eyes ''Every single time you see me is a special occasion, keep that in mind.''

MONA

“Yikes, it’ll be like karma coming for me.” grins and shakes her head “So. When are we eating? Not gonna lie, I definitely came over here primarily for the food.”

PRESTON

''It really will be like that.'' shakes head and sighs before letting out another chuckle in serving her plate. ''There you go, hopefully you enjoy the only reason you came here for''

MONA

“I really wanted to bring her her tonight by the way. Like why not? She’s a baby, it’s not like she’s distracting or anything. Fabian literally made me pump and leave her though.” smiles widely as he fixes her plate, takes a seat at the table “Fix yours too. It’d be rude of me to eat alone in someone else’s home.”

PRESTON

''It's alright, makes sense he wouldn't want her here. We'll take it slow, I guess.'' reassures her before shaking his head. ''No, it's alright. I already ate two burgers on my way here, I'm good. – and, someone else's home? really?''

MONA

“Still, it’s annoying. He’s annoying. nods and proceeds to take a bite of her chicken salad “P, stop. You know what I mean. Not that I don’t feel at home here, but you literally cooked for me and it’d be super rude of me to proceed to eat without checking if you were as well. That’s all I meant.”

PRESTON

''He's being a dad and an ex, It can't be easy.'' sighs before nodding ''I get that but you'll have to get used to me cooking for you without worrying if I ate or not''

MONA

rolls her eyes “I guess.” continues eating “Ooor you could just wait to eat until you’re with me next time. Could be like a lil family dinner.”

PRESTON

“Good idea, I’ll wait for you next time if I manage to not go crazy with hunger. - is your food good?”

MONA

“The food’s amazing.” makes a show of taking another bite and moaning “Love having my own personal chef.”

PRESTON

laughs and shakes head “Yeah, nothing’s free in life, you’re gonna have to pay for that food.”

MONA

raises brows “Is paying you with my presence not enough?”

PRESTON

“Give me a kiss and we’re good” smirks

MONA

is taken aback for a sec, chuckles before shaking her head “Nah, my breath smells like chicken salad.”

PRESTON

hums “I guess this boutta be the last time I cook for you, then.”

MONA

groans and stands “Fine. It’s just a little weird that chicken salad breath is what you’re into.” leans in and firmly kisses his lips

PRESTON

cups her face and kisses her harder, lingering for a sec

MONA

smiles contentedly as he moves away “This is really fun, but I think we’re supposed to be talking, right?” lightly strokes his cheek “We should talk before anything else.”

PRESTON

“You’re right” nods, taking a deep breath “Finish your food and we’ll talk”

MONA

sighs, is kinda nervous “Ok. But in the meantime, tell me how your day was?” slips back into her seat, eats

PRESTON

“It was good. There was a big group of people ordering a lot of food and they kept me on my toes for the entirety of my shift but it was alright, I enjoyed it. - My neck is killing me, though.” runs a hand through his neck. “How was yours?”

MONA

pouts as she listens to his story, finishes up the last of her food “And then you really came home and cooked again? It’s almost as if you love overworking yourself.” stands to put her plate in the sink, takes his hand and leads him over to the couch “My day was good. Pretty much the exact same as all of my days lately. Ven woke up at around 6 and I fed her. We went back to sleep until like 8 and repeated the process. Then I chatted a bit over text with an old family friend of mine who is apparently seeing Kayla. Watched some tv. Did mom shit. Not a very exciting day.” positions herself behind him in the couch and begins firmly massaging his neck

PRESTON

“I don’t mind cooking for you. I enjoy it, actually. - I’ll watch it later, leave it there.” takes her hand and follows. Moaning softly when he felt her hands on his neck. “Is Ven doing alright? Like, in general? Does she have doctors appointments and such?” moans quietly again. “How did I not know you were so good at this?”

MONA

“Yeah, she’s doing amazing. Hitting all her milestones. She actually had an appointment Thursday of last week and didn’t even cry when she got her shots. I found that both admirable and terrifying.” continues massaging him, overall feeling really calm and comfortable in the situation

PRESTON

“She’s already a champ, I love that.” pauses “So, let’s just talk about what happened and all that. — Are you ready to star a new relationship?”

MONA

“Ugh. I love her.” freezes for a second before continuing the massage “I’ve honestly kinda learned my lesson with answering that question. Truth is, I don’t know. But I think so.”

PRESTON

“I’m not tryna’ make you go from a relationship to another. We can be together, take things slowly.” shrugs “Like, we don’t gotta move in together right away or do anything too drastic. Just enjoy ourselves, be there for each other and the rest will happen organically.”

MONA

manages to be caught off guard by the conversation despite knowing it was planned “I think I would really appreciate that. That’s what I was mostly scared of, I think. The whole jumping into things. I have a tendency to do that and I feel like it always ends poorly.” hesitates “I guess I’m also kind of afraid of the judgment.”

PRESTON

“It would be best if we just took it like a couple of kids, just enjoying ourselves until we both feel we’re ready to aim higher.” sighs “People won’t judge what they don’t know and they don’t gotta know about us until you want to.”

MONA

“I think I’d like that. Just opening ourselves up to something happening, but also not forcing anything.” smiles “I don’t want you to be a secret though.” sighs “As much as I hate the idea of us being judged, I hate the idea of us only being behind closed doors even more.”

PRESTON

“It’s up to you, bbygirl.” shrugs “I’m fine with whatever you decide”

MONA

“P, I am not keeping you a secret.”

PRESTON

“Alright, that’s good.” nods “How do we go about this?”

MONA

“Uh, I don’t actually. know. I literally always just dive right into the deep end of these things.” chuckles “Let’s just maybe start by making every night like tonight? Maybe some days? Like when’s the next time you’re off?”

PRESTON

shakes head and turns to face her. “First thing first.” pauses “Do you wanna be my girl? Like, officially. No messin’ around with other people, no nothing. Just the two of us.”

MONA

“Wait... so an open relationship isn’t an option?” laughs

PRESTON

“An open relationship between you, me, myself, yourself, all of us.” smirks

MONA

“Ohh, ok. Well in that case, I’m totally on board.” smirks before leaning in to kiss him

PRESTON

kisses her back, breaking the kiss to pull her into a hug “I never thought I’d see the day” chuckles, pulling away

MONA

“I never thought I’d see the day.” laughs “Seriously, I remember the day we first met and you seemed so unimpressed.”

PRESTON

“I was unimpressed, believe me.” chuckles “I was like, another rich, entitled, white girl. Groundbreaking.”

MONA

rolls eyes “Well I’m glad you gave me the opportunity to prove you wrong.”

PRESTON

“The minute you started talking about weird shit, I knew you were different.” laughs

MONA

laughs, checks phone for any updates on ven, sighs “So now what?”

PRESTON

“Now we say goodbye and you go home to that cute little baby of yours and we see each other tomorrow.” smiles

MONA

pouts “But I don’t want to say goodbye.” frowns “But I also want to know what Ven’s up to.”

PRESTON

“She’s probably missing her mama.” pulls her in for another kiss “It’ll ve tomorrow before you know it.” kisses her again

MONA

“Probably. Imagine having me smothering you every second of every day and suddenly I’m just not there?” frowns “She’s probably freaking out right now and Fabian just doesn’t want to say anything and make it seem like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.” sighs and stands

PRESTON

“it’s okay, you said she was always calm and collected, Im sure she’s not freaking out. Just missing you.” walks her to the door. “Text me, alright?”

MONA

“Yeah, but maybe that’s because I’m always around?” stops once she gets to the door, turns to face him “Yeah, of course. I’ll text you once I’m there and settled.”

PRESTON

“Please do, let me know how she’s been in your absence.” leans forward and presses his lips against hers. “Go, we’ll talk in a minute.”

MONA

kisses him back, smiles and waves before walking out of the door

[THE END]

#thread – chat 01

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sockablock · 6 years

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Chapter 7: Whispers of Cold Weather

Nott just had enough time to process a few key details of their new surroundings—elegant paneled walls, low ceilings, another long hallway—before she felt Fjord scoop her up under the armpits like a cat and whisk her away to somewhere around the corner.

“What the fuck?” she hissed, but was immediately shushed by the rest of the group. They were all clustered closely together, pressed flush against the wall as if trying to hide in plain sight. Most of them now wore simple linen shirts, though Beau and Yasha had acquired some sort of basic chain mail.

“Where are we?” Nott whispered. “What are these clothes? What’s going on?”

“Shhhh,” Yasha said softly, and then pointed to the corridor where Nott had been standing. “Be quiet. Do you hear that?”

She brushed her shoulders off indignantly, then turned around and, indeed, her ears twitched and picked up a sound just on the edge of hearing.

It was a bit higher than it should’ve been, and the accent was heavier than she was used to, but that voice:

“—no, no, more like…something I feel. Not, not that I have actually noticed.”

“Something you feel?”

That had been a young woman. Her tone was light, and mildly puzzled.

“So, you do not have actual proof that things are wrong?”

A different man now, words deeper but clumsy, as if he wasn’t quite used to his own register.

“No, Wulf, I do not,” the first voice sighed. “But you believe me, ja? It is…I just cannot begin to describe it properly. But I know that something peculiar is going on. And I know that I have felt this way before.”

“I understand,” said the man’s voice, “but I do not think Master Ikithon will believe you.”

“He would not listen to something so vague,” the woman added. “You would do better if you had real evidence.”

“Ja, ja, I know,” Caleb mumbled, and then there was a rustling, sound, like somebody was standing up. “I think I will still try, and even if the Master Ikithon does not listen, just…keep your eyes open, please? I do not want you getting hurt.”

Eodwulf laughed. “Hurt? Please, Caleb, why would we be hurt?”

Footsteps, approaching the door. The Mighty Nein immediately pulled back around their corner and flattened themselves against the wall as best as they could. On her left, Nott saw Caduceus suddenly vanish from view, and rolled her eyes.

Back in the main hallway, a door opened and a young Caleb half-emerged. “I do not know,” he was saying. “It is just…like I said, a strange feeling. I am not so sure why or how I feel it.”

“Perhaps you are just tired from today’s training!” Astrid’s voice called. “You always were a weak one, Caleb!”

Her words, though harsh, held no trace of malice. Caleb even laughed, and stuck his tongue out. “It takes quite a lot of concentration to channel elemental magic! You would know that, if you were any good.”

There were giggles from the other room, and then Eodwulf’s voice rang out as well. “Come now, come now, let us make peace! What would the Empire do if their most talented mages began warring with one another?”

“I don’t know,” Astrid snorted. “What would it do?”

“It would call our teacher to knock us all over the head,” Caleb grinned. “Now good night, you two. It is almost ten, we should return to our rooms now.”

“Isn’t it freaky how he always knows the time?” Eodwulf asked. There was more rustling, as he stood as well.

“Quite,” Astrid agreed, “but yes, the freaky one is right. Good night, boys.”

Eodwulf appeared in the doorway, and threw an arm around Caleb’s shoulders. “Schlaf gut, Astrid!” Then he grimaced. “And enjoy the night while it lasts, too. Tomorrow is more concentration training.”

Caleb groaned. “Gods, you would think we’d have moved on by now, ja? I had a gottsverdamnt knife in my arm today, and I was completely fine!”

Astrid giggled. “You weren’t completely fine, you nearly set me on fire! I was almost as upset as Master Trent.”

“Hey, at least you two didn’t break concentration!” Eodwulf countered. “He is going to have my ass tomorrow, I just know it.”

Caleb gave him a pat on the back. “But think of how good you’ll get,” he said kindly. “A year from now, we’ll laugh at how we could barely shrug off an old man and his tiny blades.”

“Do not let him hear you say that,” Eodwulf chuckled. “I happen to be appropriately terrified of him.”

“Agreed!” Astrid called. “Now go away! I need to get some rest.”

“Ja, ja, we are going!”

“Good night!”

Caleb and Eodwulf began heading down the hall, towards where the Nein were hiding. As their footsteps approached, the group looked around in panic, Nott began searching for another door to hide behind and Fjord rummaged through his pockets; Beau had already given up and Yasha was just standing as still as possible with her eyes closed. Any second now, the boys would round the corner and see this motley crew right in front of them, and that could trigger anything from annoying questions, to another fight, to another session of let’s-see-how-much-Caleb-hates-us-today, and then—

—and then suddenly, it was morning. The sounds of footsteps vanished. Light streamed in from open windows, washed over the corridor and settled against the carpeted floors. They could hear, from somewhere faintly off in the distance, the sound of birds chirping.

“What the shit?!”

Beau had thrown her hands up into the air, and spun in an angry, confused circle.

“Yeah,” Fjord murmured, “I feel that way too, but could you please keep it down? Just in case.”

Beau shot him a glare, and lowered her voice begrudgingly. “Sure, yeah, fine.”

“What just happened?” Nott asked. “Was that…it was just night-time a second ago, right?”

“It sure was,” Caduceus nodded.

“Jester?” Fjord tried, turning towards her. “Wanna take a guess at what just—”

And then they were all standing outside.

Sunlight filtered in through the thick canopy of autumn forest above them. The ground below was hidden, covered completely by brilliant orange and scarlet leaves, hints of gold and brown scattered about. To their left was a slow-running stream, and the air around them, though still comfortable, held the waiting whispers of cold weather on its way.

Their clothing had changed again as well—now they were all dressed in the simple leathers and furs of hunters, or battle-ready travelers.

And after their initial moment of shock, Beau sat down on the forest floor and put her head in her hands.

“I’m done,” she said. “This is stupid.”

Fjord pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jester? Please tell me this is normal.”

“Ehmm…”

“Dangit, Jes.”

She pouted. “I’m sorry, alright?! I’m not an expert at this stuff! I just brought us here. I don’t know about every single thing that’s going on.”

Fjord held his palms up apologetically. “Sorry, sorry,” he said. “I know, I didn’t expect you to know, I…sorry.”

She waved a hand, gave him a weary smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

He nodded, then spoke again. “Is this place…wherever we are, do we think it’s safe?”

Caduceus took point. He looked around, tilted his head slowly, and examined the area around them.

“Seems alright,” he said. “The wildlife sounds at peace, there aren’t any disturbances nearby.”

Nott leaned back. “I will never understand how you can just do that,” she said. “Is this how you live your life always?”

He shrugged. “It’s a knack.”

“Okay, okay,” Fjord said, re-focusing the conversation, “if we’ve got a minute, then I think we really should all just…just sit down and regroup. See if we can figure out what the hell is going on now.”

“That would help,” Yasha said quietly. “I was missing for some of the last dream, I think.”

“Oh, shit, yeah,” Beau said, eyes widening. “I totally forgot, are you…good?”

Yasha shrugged. “It was quiet. I was asleep.”

Jester and Fjord looked like they wanted to say more, but at her continued silence, they gave up. All of them sat down.

“We’re still in Caleb’s brain,” Jester volunteered. “Just now, we heard him talking to his friends, and then the world changed and then the world changed again.”

“Who were those people?” Caduceus asked. “Do we know them?”

Beau and Nott exchanged glances. Nott went.

“They’re his old school friends,” she supplied. “Um…the girl is the one that we met earlier, Astrid. And the other one, well, Caleb didn’t really talk about him much to us, but his name is Eodwulf. They’re all from the same town.”

“We think Caleb had a crush on Astrid,” Jester added. “He said her name when we were dancing, once.”

“Do you think they’ll try and get in the way if we run after Caleb?” Fjord asked. “Like…like that other guy did, and anyways, who was that?”

“He looked familiar,” Yasha nodded. “I feel as though I have met him before.”

Beau’s eyes narrowed. “That was Trent. Ikithon, or whatever. We met ‘im at the Victory Pit, remember? He was Caleb’s old teacher.”

“He’s a teacher?” Jester exclaimed. “But…but did you hear the, the part where Caleb said the thing about knives and stabbing? Was anybody else bothered by that? And by how…weirdly okay with it he sounded?”

“No, I heard it,” Nott answered. “It was super-duper bothering.”

“I did not think it was so odd,” Yasha shrugged, and they all took a second to just stare at her incredulously.

“One day we’re going to talk about what you just said,” Beau sighed eventually. “But today is probably not that day.”

“Scary insights into Yasha’s past aside,” Fjord nodded, “I’m more worried about why the world changed so suddenly, right after. We had way more time to run around in the last two dreams. This time, we didn’t even get a chance to see Caleb.”

“That was probably good though, right?” Caduceus asked. “Otherwise he might’ve seen us, and been upset at us again.”

“But if things change too fast for us to adjust, it could make our jobs harder,” Nott countered. “What if we can’t find him?”

“Mmm, I’m not sure if that’ll be a problem,” Jester said. “Remember, these dreams all center around Caleb. I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.”

“Do you think he realizes how strangely the world is acting?” Yasha asked. “How there were…you know, holes in the sky and people suddenly appearing and disappearing and how time and, time and space make no sense?”

“Maybe?” Jester tried. “But sometimes in my dreams, weird things happen all the time, and I don’t even notice until I wake up.”

“So you’re saying that he could think that this is all ordinary,” Fjord supplied.

“Exactly.”

He rubbed the sides of his head. “That’ll make things harder, especially if we keep trying the ‘make him realize there’s something wrong’ tactic.”

“He also sort of hates us,” Beau added. “Which might make him less inclined to listen.”

“Yeah,” Nott chimed in, “but that’s only because you keep punching all the important people in his life.”

“Hey, fuck you! They were being dicks.”

“They were kind of spooky,” Jester said. “And one of them was going to torture Yasha.”

“Thank you for punching that one, by the way,” Yasha nodded to Beau. “It was a…a very good punching.”

“Anytime.”

“So...” Fjord said, ignoring that exchange, “this means we’re back at square one.”

“I don’t think we ever left,” Nott mumbled.

“Gods,” Beau sighed, and flopped down onto her back. “Does this mean we’re gonna force him into the bad memories to wake him up, now?”

“I know it sucks,” Fjord said softly, “but it’s all we’ve got.”

“It is good to confront your past,” Caduceus added, “The first step to overcoming your demons, is to face them.”

“Yeah, fine,” Beau grumbled, “but these aren’t my demons. They’re his.”

“So maybe we should overcome his demons for him,” Caduceus suggested.

The wind blew though the leaves and gently ruffled their hair as they all considered this for a moment.

Beau raised a finger. “Are…are you suggesting that we should resolve his internal brain fuckery?” she asked.

“Maybe,” Caduceus shrugged. “It was just an idea. I mean, my dreams are usually guiding me towards something. And so far, we’ve just been moving through Caleb’s memories in chronological order. Maybe he’s being guided towards something…something important in his past? Are there any, I don’t know, any big milestones in the Caleb Story?”

Beau snorted so hard she almost choked. As she took a few seconds to recover, Nott jumped in. “There are,” she said. “Some pretty important ones. But, uh…like we said before, those are the ones that we should really try to avoid.”

“But…” Fjord said slowly, “but what if we didn’t avoid them? But instead of usin’ them to scare or shock Caleb awake, we help him get through ‘em, and earn his trust? Then maybe he’d just listen to us, and we could tell him to come back home.”

“That seems…a little manipulative,” Nott said hesitantly.

“And it would mean he’d still have to get hurt,” Jester protested. “He would still have to face that moment.”

“Right,” Fjord agreed, “but we’d have his back. We’d help him get through it, whatever it is, to let him get better, and at the same time give us a window to convince him outta here.”

“It might also just end the dream at that,” Caduceus said. “If Caleb feels like his work in the mental world is done, then maybe he’d be willing to come back to ours.”

Beau rubbed her chin. “I…uh…I do kind of like the idea of being able to punch Caleb’s brain problems away,” she said slowly.

Yasha nodded. “I do not…entirely follow what is happening,” she admitted, “but I agree with doing something to help him.”

“As long as we’re really helping,” Jester said sternly. “Really and actually helping.”

“And as long as it doesn’t get too bad,” Nott added.

“I don’t think I can guarantee that,” Fjord said weakly, “but I mean…it might be the best option?”

There was a pause, and then a chorus of semi-reluctant agreement.

Beau scratched her elbow, and sighed. “Then the question is how to force him to dream about the shitty stuff. And how we’re supposed to get close enough to help him since, right, since Caleb hates us for some reason that is completely unrelated to my fists.”

“And speaking of that,” Caduceus said, “for, uh, for those of us who don’t really know Caleb’s history, could we maybe go over what we might be expecting? And, uh…how bad it might be?”

Beau and Nott exchanged glances.

“You wanna do it?” Beau asked. “You know him best.”

Nott grimaced, and turned towards the others. “It’s…uh…it’s a long story,” she said. “And sort of complicated, and it kind of ties into the whole ‘crazy stabbing teacher’ thing from before.”

“It’s probably a violation of privacy,” Fjord sighed, “but I think we might need to hear it all.”

She nodded. “You probably do. Okay, so, it started at the Academy, where he and two other kids got picked by Ikithon to be private students…”

•

“It is amazing that we were even allowed to come out today,” Caleb murmured as they hiked around a fallen log. “I thought for sure that Master Ikithon would tell me I was being ridiculous.”

“He probably figured that you would be useless in lessons if you were so distracted,” Eodwulf quipped, and kicked a pebble across the fallen leaves.

“Thank the gods we’re here instead then,” Astrid laughed. “Otherwise I think I’d get singed again, today.”

“How many times must I apologize to you?” Caleb groaned. “I said that I was sorry, and I promised I’d never do it again, ja?”

“Ja, but it is so fun to tease you.”

Caleb made a face at her, and then tripped over an exposed tree root. Both of his friends considered leaving him there to spit the dirt out by himself, but after a few seconds, Eodwulf grinned and reached out a hand, helping Caleb to his feet. “What happened to the boy that used to run around through the woods?” he asked jokingly. “Have you always been so clumsy?”

“I’ve spent too long in my ivory tower,” Caleb snorted, and brushed his trousers off. “I think it suits me better, anyways. There are no books in these forests.”

“No books,” Astrid agreed, “but I think there might be something else. Do you hear that?”

Both boys quieted down and listened carefully.

“I don’t hear anything,” Caleb whispered. “What—”

“Shhhh!” Eodwulf shot back. “Ja, I do!”

Astrid’s nodded slowly. “There are voices, Caleb. Coming from…the west, I think. There are people in the woods!”

His eyes went wide. But not from fear, or surprise, or shock.

“Do you think they have anything to do with the strange feeling I’ve been having?” he asked, voice rising with excitement. “Do you think they know anything?”

Astrid nodded. “I bet so. And even if they do not, I am sure Master Ikithon would love to meet these trespassers.”

“Thank the gods for that too,” Eodwulf sighed. “We might get a break from concentration training, if we bring them back.”

“In that case, what are we waiting for?” Astrid whispered. “Let’s get them! Same bet as always? Whoever takes out the least has to pay for drinks?”

“Oh, you’re on,” Caleb grinned. “I hope you’ve been saving up, because there is no way I will lose this time. Wulf, are you—”

He turned to his left, just in time to see Eodwulf waggle his fingers cheekily and vanish from view.

“Keep up, losers!” came the disembodied retort. “I plan on getting wasted.”

“Oh, I’ll waste you alright,” Astrid laughed, “Just you wait!”

Caleb shoved a fist into his pocket and yanked out a handful of licorice shavings. “You’ll have to keep up with me!” he declared. “See you all when I’ve won!”

And then he threw the shavings up into the air, muttered a few words, and bolted in a flash of red and brown.

•

“…but it wasn’t his fault,” Beau finished. There was a hard edge to her tone, of a profound and icy anger. “It wasn’t.”

“Caleb just doesn’t believe that,” Nott murmured. “He thinks it was all on him.”

The rest of the group sat there in silence, trying to process what they had just heard. Fjord stared at the backs of his hands, and Caduceus looked somewhere off into the distance. Jester turned her gaze distractedly to a crumpled maple leaf on the ground. Yasha picked a feather off her shawl, and sighed.

“I would not have guessed,” she said eventually, shattering the pensive quiet. “Not ever.”

“It explains a lot,” Fjord agreed slowly. “His whole thing with…fire, and all that.”

“And why he’s…like how he is,” Caduceus added.

Jester bit her lip. She looked up, and there were tears in her eyes. “But I can’t…I can’t even imagine something so…terrible,” she whispered.

“He didn’t do it,” Nott reminded them immediately. “I mean, he did do it, but he was brainwashed!”

“Yeah,” Fjord said gently, “yeah, I gotcha.”

Jester sniffled. “I know, I know, it’s just…if I knew that all those things had happened, I never would have made fun of him for being so stinky that first time. And I never would have talked about fireballs so much, and I never would have bragged about how rich my momma was, or how much she loved me, or—”

Beau reached out, and wordlessly put her arm around Jester.

“Damn,” said Fjord. “Just…fuck.”

“That’s why we were so worried about what might happen in the dreams,” Nott said. “That’s the thing we didn’t want him to have to go through.”

“We can’t make him live through that again!” Jester said. “No way.”

“But…we would not be,” Yasha reminded her. “If this goes right, then we would be saving his parents, just in time.”

“It’s just…it’s a little more tricky now,” Fjord sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I thought it was…I dunno, I thought we’d have to prevent a buildin’ from burning down, or something. But if y’all are right, then it’s not just about stopping a disaster, it’s also about stoppin’ Caleb. He wanted to…to do what he did. If we interfere, then things could get nasty.”

“I could try healing him,” Jester volunteered. “I could try getting rid of that memory, or something.”

“But the cleric who fixed him in the real world got hit with some kinda nasty spell backlash,” Beau said. “I don’t want that happenin’ to you.”

“So what, then?” Jester asked. “How are we supposed to convince him that his parents are innocent?”

“I’m also a cleric,” Caduceus rumbled. “If you get hurt, I could heal you.”

Jester blinked, and so did the rest of the group. They took a moment to consider this proposal and weigh their other options.

And in that moment, as they did, the entire world went blinding white. An explosion of flame detonated right in the center of their little circle, sending charred earth and burning leaves and clouds of ash careening through the air.

“If you are all going to stand so close together, you will make my job all too easy!”

A sixteen-year-old-boy stood at the edge of the clearing, atop a large boulder. His bright red hair had been swept back by impact of the blast, and long brown coat fluttered in the breeze. His eyes were blue, and sparkled with delight.

“Hallo!” He called cheerfully. Then he smeared something dark across his palm, raised his hands, and called forth another blast of raging fire.

#oh MAN shits going down huh #critical role #fic #fanfic #critfic #where all the dreamers go #jay writes #cr2 #the mighty nein #caleb widogast #long post #so long #text #beauregard #fjord #jester #nott #yasha #caduceus clay

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