Grief and still trying to deal with it

It has been almost three months since my dad passed away and still have many moments of sadness and tears that develop but never truly fall. As when they do fall is when I'm having emotion over something else or dealing with something else and I can't help but cry at times when I shouldn't be crying over things that don't deserve tears. Yet it is those moment where my emotions and grief come to a head and explode and I cry. I feel like I can't cry when others are but then I cry in private away from others and they don't see the pain since I have to be the strong one even though at times like this its ok to not be strong and not be ok. For me its about just doing ok and surviving to the next moment and doing ok for what is happening.

Thanksgiving was hard this year since there wasn't much to be thankful for except the rest of us were there and my sister got engaged which was the only bright spot of a terrible couple months. My dad wasn't there and my grandma isn't doing well so with that its like misery loves company might as well just pile on the shit and have it roll downhill. it is never easy. Tears were shed over dinner but I just teared up and the sadness was there but I didn't cry because I'm the strong one or I just deal with my grief differently and much like my dad very stoic the it comes to that.

My dad's passing is hitting my sister hard and she isn't dealing very well and is possibly getting depressed since she feels guilty about having a happy moment or laughing or enjoying something such as planning her wedding. But she feels guilty since she believes she shouldn't have a happy moment since dad is no longer here and feels like she shouldn't be happy even just for a moment. Dad wouldn't want her to think that way! He would want her to be happy even though he isn't here but he wouldn't want her to drown in her grief and not be happy.

I have happy moments where I laugh and feel good and keep going because I know that's what dad would want me to do even though at times I get sad and feel a pit in my stomach and can't pay attention or loss focus for a few moments at work but then get right back to it after the feeling passes. My boyfriend makes me feel happy and safe and understands what I'm going through and knows its ok to have moments or meh days. He has lost both parents so he knows the grief that comes with it.

I recently passed an exam for my job and I know my dad would of been so proud of me in passing! i had a moment last night where it all of a sudden hit me he wasn't there for me to share the news with him and I started to cry. So many things at work he would be proud of and I can't share any of it with him. He was so proud I got this job and continued to be extremely proud of me as I love my job and passing this exam on my first try he would of been so happy for me. I know he was watching and cheering me on.

Christmas this year will be extremely hard as it is the first major holiday aside from Thanksgiving that he isn't here for. He was the one to put the star on the tree before we started to decorate it and now he isn't here to do that and when the time comes to do it I know it will be hard and already thinking about it is causing me to breathe heavier and feel a pit in my stomach.

It hurts a lot and I just have to take deep breathes and not let the grief overwhelm me and keep strong to everyone. At the moment it doesn't get easier but it will. I know I have people to talk to including people at work who have also in the last year lost their dads as well but in different ways as their dads were sick and mine wasn't. It's hard but they understand so we talk about how we are doing and feeling and understand how the other is dealing and coping. All in different ways.

I love you dad and hope i'm still making you proud...

Loss of a parent..

Death of a parent is tough. especially when it is unexpected and no one sees it coming. My dad was healthy and active and yet a couple days before he died he was complaining of shortness of breathe. The nurses at the doctors office didn't even check him over just sent him on his way and made an appointment with his doctor on of course the day he died.

I can remember the day like it was yesterday or even just like it happened today. I was at work at got the call from my mom that the paramedics were at the house working on my dad giving him CPR. I nearly fell to the floor as a coworker had to grab me and pull me over to a bench near her desk. I was shaking and in shock. I tried to find one of my managers but of course at that moment neither of them were around. One was taking a personal day and the other was off on a meeting. I was freaking out needing to get home and wanting to tell my manager I was leaving. I also did not have my car since it was then Friday I didn't drive to work but took the LRT. I was freaking out knowing I would have to wait to catch another train. Thankfully another coworker of mine without hesitation offered to drive me home!

While in the car I was talking to my sister who was freaking out as well and needing to grab an uber as she couldn't function to drive safely and I told her I'd call my boyfriend to pick her up since he lives about five minutes away from her and can get her to our house. The more time in the car with news from my mom about my dad the dread washed over me knowing it was going to not end on a good note. The paramedics weren't taking my dad to the hospital as my mom was hoping...

I finally got home and ran inside after thanking my coworker profusely for driving me there! I ran inside and saw my mom as she told me they were still working on my dad and don't go upstairs. She filled me in on how my dad didn't come downstairs for his usual breakfast and she went upstairs to find him breathing heavy, grey and clammy as she asked him if he should call 911. the last words my dad said to my mom were "I think I'm dying". Before long the paramedics arrived and that was the last time my mom saw my dad alive.

My mom need fresh air and went outside to take a breather and that was moment the paramedic came downstairs and told me my dad had died and they tried everything and still couldn't bring him back. The shock, pain and grief were overwhelming I had to sit down. My dad was dead just like that. I last saw him alive the night before as I said good night and told him see him tomorrow. I never got to speak to my dad again or see him. My mom returned back inside with my sisters fiancee as he just arrived at the same moment my mom went outside for a breather. I looked at her and started freaking out and she told me not to but that no longer was an option as dad was just pronounced dead. My mom crumbled as my sisters fiancee pulled her in for a hug as I put my hands to my head and couldn't believe it. And to a certain degree I still don't believe it. Paramedics asked me if I wanted to see my dad and I went upstairs with one of them as the rest of the crew were putting away their life saving efforts so I could say good bye to my dad. I asked them to close his eyes. As I looked down at my once alive and breathing dad lying on the ground white and the life no longer there I felt numb. I said goodbye to him. To this day I look into my parents room and stare at the spot and picture my dads lifeless body still there.

My sister called and asked if my boyfriend and her should go to the hospital ad why aren't the paramedics being dad to the hospital. She already knew the answer but can't tell her over the phone dad was gone. Just said get here quick. Once my sister arrived at the house I asked the paramedics if they have sedatives since my sister might need one. Humor in a dark moment. My sister came through the door and was already crying as she crumbled into our moms arms and then her fiancees arms as I crumbled into my boyfriends arms and started to cry. My dad was gone.

My dad died at home and the death wasn't suspicious so they didn't take him away so we had to make plans for a funeral home to come and pick up his body. It was the hardest two hours waiting for the funeral home to show up and pick up his body. I kept going up stairs to check on him as the color changed on his face from white to purple as the blood stop circulating. I needed to see him or make sure nothing was happening to him. finally the funeral home showed up and took him away. Hearing them wrap up his body and bring it down the stairs as they bumped down them in my head i screamed at them be careful with him! Not like it matter he no longer felt pain.

In that moment I said goodbye to my dad officially as it was the last time I would see his body as they took him away.

Even after a month of him being gone I still can't believe its happening that my dad is gone. I have moments where I cry but mostly I get a pit in my stomach and feel very anxious. I have to stay strong for my mom as she needs the support and she cries almost every day so does my sister and I feel like I have no more tears to cry. He wasn't ready to die and we weren't ready to say good bye. its unfair and I get mad since why did this have to happen and why couldn't they bring him back. I know its stupid to be angry at the nurses but they should of checked him over and maybe just maybe he would still be here but no.

I have to be strong for everyone. If I can hold the pain and grief for my mom and sister I will. I will be strong but even at times I can't be strong anymore and cry. But then pick myself up and be strong again. I feel numb and at times do not really care or find myself not caring. i know its bad but I can't seem to get past it.

Do I look like I run a bookshop?

Anthony J. Crowley, aka The Co. to A.Z. Fell and Co.

'' I lost my best friend...''

Aziraphale/Crowley + PRAISE

GOOD OMENS

1.01 // 1.06 // 2.01 // 2.02

In 0.5 seconds and without saying a single word, Michael Sheen changed lives.

This was the bitchiest bitch moment Aziraphale had in all 2 seasons. Thank you for your service, respectfully, I am deceased.

the way crowley gently tilts his head into the kiss near the end of the gif is driving me crazy

Very nice.

I recut the kiss from Good Omens to emphasize Aziraphale kissing back. I already posted the longer version (yes, I have made alternate cuts of my kiss alternate cut, yes I know this is ridiculous) but I realized I liked it in shorter gif form better. After the cut is the OG kiss for comparison and some notes on my process.

Edited Kiss:

Original Kiss:

On the longer version, I had some people ask what I changed. Essentially, what stood out to me when I saw the original version of the kiss was that it was just so...choppy. Particularly, the cut right before they break apart where we go from Aziraphale's hand on Crowley's back to him waving it around in the air, just didn't look natural to me. The original version seems to splice together several takes of a shorter kiss, with some pieces of the kiss out of order from how it was probably acted:

In the first cut of the sequence we see Aziraphale from over Crowley's shoulder and his eyes are open and he looks shocked and uncomfortable, then he relaxes into the kiss a bit and closes his eyes and his hand comes up to Crowely's shoulder and caresses it. My guess is this is the sequence and duration of the kiss from start to (nearly) finish as it was blocked and acted. But the kiss as it appears in the show is much longer than the acted kiss. From that first cut of Aziraphale's face seen over Crowely's shoulder we go to:

A wide cut where Aziraphale is waving his arm in the air and looks uncomfortable--likely filmed at the start of the kiss from a different angle and then spliced in.

A close up of Aziraphale stroking Crowley's back which seems to me to come from the end of the kiss, once he has relaxed into it. (This is the one all the girlies are gif-ing and yeah, it's a great shot so I'm glad the fandom has gone wild for it!)

Another shot from the relaxed bit of the kiss which is a close up on their faces with Aziraphale leaning in a bit

The last shot of the kiss where Aziraphale's arm has come off Crowely's back again and he's waving it in the air and looking uncomfortable as Crowley pulls away. I think this shot may actually also be from the start of the kiss, or it is actually how the end of the kiss was blocked out, but if so there's a section of it that's missing because we don't see how Aziraphale's hand moves from Crowley's back (shot 3) to waving in the air. This isn't really a continuity error as presumably Aziraphale has been moving his hands around during shot 4 while the viewer was being treated to a close up of their faces, but it registers as a continuity error because the emotional vibe of shot 4 is Aziraphale starting to get into the kiss and lean in, while the hand off the back in shot 5 makes the viewer feel like he is pulling away and uncomfortable again.

In editing the sequence, I simply moved pieces around to try and tell a story that was more emotionally coherent, with Aziraphale starting shocked and uncomfortable, relaxing into the kiss slightly, and then stepping away. I chopped up the long sequence in shot 1 and used the relaxed part of it instead of the beginning of shot 5. I also switched shot 3 and 4 so that we see a wide cut where Aziraphale looks uncomfortable and his hand is visibly in the air, to a close up shot of their faces where he starts to get into it. Then we are in the home stretch with the tender hand on the back and then Aziraphale's face as he holds Crowley close to him (formerly the end of shot 1) before they break apart.

i feel totally normal about Aziraphale‘s expression in that scene. i swear.

Folks i think we've all missed this very crucial bit of info!

Shax 'A miracle of enormous power happened last night.... Only the mightiest of Archangel's could've performed'

Crowley 'how do you know *i* didn't do it?'

?!?!?!?

We just need Nina to do the love with Maggie. One fabulous kiss and we're good. I have a plan.

Sorry. You think you’re a demon? With your curly little… and your neat white… I’m a fallen angel! I lied. To thwart the will of God. Well yeah, you did, but I’m not gonna tell anybody. Are you? No. Then nothing has to change, does it?

You know for someone who drinks a lot, it was only when Crowley drank poisoned wine did he become drunk enough to lose inhibitions.

So poison is the whiskey of demons.

~ Nina, what do you sell that calms people down? ~ Eccles cakes? ~ Some Eccles cakes, please.

Aziraphale was about to confess too before Metatron and his coffee came into the bookshop;

Okay, hear me out. In 2x02, when they’re talking about “how people fall in love”, Crowley talks about sudden rainstorms,

which is an obvious reference to how he fell in love, about 6000 years earlier (poor demon thinks everyone falls in love the way he did)

Aziraphale doesn’t get it and answers “seems a bit unlikely”. He didn’t connect the dots, he doesn’t think Crowley loves him that way. All he knows about falling in love is what he read in books. Of course he fell in love with Crowley too, but I’m pretty sure he did in ‘41 when Crowley saved his books from a bomb, and that’s a bit hard to recreate, so… balls.

That’s his idea, you make two people dance together and they magically fall in love, which is so in-character I want to scream. Now let’s get to 2x05. We know Aziraphale always tried to avoid organizing those meetings, but he’s suddenly so excited about it he is WILLING TO GIVE AWAY HIS BOOKS. Why would he do something like that? There’s no way it’s actually to make Maggie and Nina fall in love. At that point, Muriel doesn’t even care anymore about it, they all know the truth about the miracle is about to be revealed, so there’s no point in being so persistent about Maggie and Nina’s relationship. He’s an angel; of course he cares about humans being happy, but I don’t think he cares so much about two semi-strangers’ love life that he’s willing to give away BOOKS for the off chance that the Jane Austen method will actually work on two humans he knows nothing about. So, my conclusion is, he’s organizing that night for him and Crowley. They are the ones that he hopes realize they’re deeply in love with each other, and that is something worth giving away books for. Which explains why he’s so excited but also a bit scared when he asks Crowley to dance with him.

It explains why he ignores the fact that Crowley is trying to tell him that something important and dangerous is about to happen, just so they can have a little dance. It also explains this reaction when he sees Gabriel and Beelzebub being in love with each other

and the way he looks at Crowley while they’re talking about them.

I mean, I know he always stares lovingly at him, but not like that, right? That’s a face that screams “I’m so going to tell you I love you when all this is over”.

So, my point is:

Fuck Metatron.

That’s my point.