I've never really talked on here about how I figured out my gender, and since this whole egg discourse is going on, I feel like I should.

I'm not one of the trans women who figured out their genders at age 4 and became fully confident of it. Up until around 16 I didn't even begin to consider that I may not be a cis guy and it took me up until almost 19 to fully realise I was a trans woman. Before this, at 18, after feeling particularly shitty for weeks (from what I later learned was definitely dysphoria), I attempted suicide.

I only really started to understand myself once I started hanging out with other trans people on discord servers. My perception of transness was the more mainstream-accepted version (at that time) of "I always confidently knew I was a woman basically from birth and I exhibited x, y and z feminine behaviours at all times etc." which I didn't fit in with, so I always thought "well I can't be a trans woman because that's not me". Being around other trans people, and especially having other trans women point out behaviours I had, and tell me "that's also how I thought before I realised I was trans" helped me immensely.

I didn't get any of the rigid online definitions and examples, nor did I get the perfectly sanitised videos from the handful of trans people who made it on youtube. None of that felt like me at the time. I didn't have any point of reference. I only really understood myself once I related to someone who used to be in the same position. If some trans girl didn't call me an egg, I might still be a completely miserable "cis" guy to this day still, or even dead.

I understand that others have had worse experiences when it comes to this, but we must recognise that the problem in these situations is outing or harassment. The porblem is abuse, and as with all things interpersonal, you can always turn it into abuse. As with all things interpersonal, you have to have some amount of tact and caution.

I don't think we should harass anyone into getting their egg cracked (and this happens vastly less often than people here seem to think but it does happen), but also we shouldn't be constantly agnostic about if someone is trans or not, because in the end not everyone is capable of coming to that conclusion by themselves, and by the time you've "let them figure it out" they might've spent several more years being miserable and not knowing why or they might be dead.

It is also very important to point out that this discourse is only really happening because there is a particular bias against trans women. This isn't a discussion of how to approach the subject, or a handful of people talking about their experiences with it, it's a discourse where one side is trying to problematize another aspect of the transfem community. Notice that people are arguing this when it comes to transfems and not cis gay people or even transmascs. Notice that this website always cycles back to attacking some aspect of the transfem community every couple of weeks.

Do you really think these arguments are being made in good faith? Do you really think it's worth adding to the sea of transmisogyny that is this website and most of the world?

As always, this post is meant for people who are genuinely well-meaning. The dipshits who keep jumping on any excuse they can to harass trans women can go fuck themselves.

704 includes several mentions of The Fight, the big unification bout in Vegas, and Muay Thai sparring. I don’t think that’s just for the dudebro vibes (tho that’s definitely a factor this season). When it comes to Eddie’s journey as presented in that epic episode, I think all the full-contact combat/sports references are doing subtextual work to narrate Eddie’s queerness and where he’s at this season.

Eddie doesn’t really consciously engage with his queerness at this point in the story but via Tommy as his mirror and all the sports references, I think it’s safe to say that Eddie is at odds with his queerness but he doesn’t fully realize that’s what it is and/or that it’s something he’s been battling on some level his whole life. A few things in the ep point in that direction:

Buck: How was the fight?

Eddie: Fight was okay. Seats were amazing. Tommy’s buddies with the promoter, so we were ringside. Felt like I was the one throwing the punches.

The sense I get is that Eddie is witnessing a fight inside himself but he’s not aware that he’s an active participant in said fight. That makes sense to me given his tremendous ability to compartmentalize and ‘be in control’. Like. The fight is happening but he has it walled off and isn’t consciously connected to it. His queerness is present and with him (aka Tommy with him at the fight + “watching half naked men pummel each other”) but he doesn’t recognize it for what it is quite yet.

A unification bout, according to Wikipedia because I know *nothing* about sports, is the bringing together of titles held by different fighters. Eddie going to the fight with Tommy seems to me like Eddie needing to discover an aspect of himself that Tommy that he has in common with him!

Then there’s all the Muay Thai references. Eddie says it’s been a long time since he met someone that can go toe to toe with him when sparring. Eddie’s fighting for his life against his queerness y’all. It’s not an actual match which is good but still I think the point stands. He’s at odds with a part of himself that’s trying to emerge victorious and express itself. But between Catholic guilt, family expectations, the hypermasculine culture of the military, and overall heteronormative comphet culture Eddie hasn’t been able to see/engage/accept his queerness.

I think this all feeds into to the scene where Buck comes out in 705 and Eddie expresses surprise about Tommy being gay but not Buck being bisexual. Buck has always worn his heart on his sleeve so it makes sense that when he figured out his bisexuality he would share that part of himself with others. Eddie is King of Repression, Reservation, and Control so it makes sense that he wouldn’t quite know HOW to do that for himself yet. Tommy’s character is a needed mirror for Eddie to see what’s possible for himself (all of himself) whereas Tommy was a needed vehicle for the actual expression of Buck’s queerness at this moment in the story. Tommy is doing so much friggin work in the narrative lol!

Lastly, I think Eddie’s own queerness is still a mystery to him and something that he’s sparring with on some level because he’s NOT allosexual! Now’s a good time for me to say loudly that I’m on Team Demisexual/Demiromantic Eddie. It fits with the data we have about his character and it’s still subject to the heteronormativity and comphet we’ve all seen affecting Eddie.

Eddie has expressed little interest in anyone of any gender who he hasn’t had a baby with, viewed as a mother-figure to Chris, or expected the universe to hand-deliver as if by magic. He has not intrinsic motivation toward sexual or romantic relationships until/unless he has a meaningful emotional connection to the person. He described himself as a nester and so far the only person we’ve actually seen him nest with in canon is Buck!!

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that season 7 has shown Buck and Eddie coparenting Chris and sharing their feelings with each other. It’s also meaningful that Eddie, Buck, and Tommy are all talking about Chris at various points and in various ways. Plus Buck thought he had to fight Tommy for Chris’ affection (and Tommy eventually tells Buck that’s not true). Chris has narratively been a metaphor for Eddie’s heart many times before. Buck is the one in the nest holding Eddie’s heart and both Buck and Eddie are gonna figure that out. They gotta or imma start throwin’ stuff!!

Anyway this meta got a little longer than I initially thought it would but I had to get this outta my head.

TLDR: Tommy’s epic mirror status for Eddie runs deep and so does his role as catalyst for both Buck and Eddie. He’s a bridge to Buddie *fingers crossed* Basically Eddie’s in the fight of his life trying to sort out his wants, needs, and identity when it comes to intimate relationships. Buck’s a little ahead of Eddie in the process but Eddie’s on his way!

(P.S. Buck is bi and I will die on the Eddie is demi hill. I’ll accept repressed gay Eddie with open arms but honestly I think demi fits what we’ve seen for Eddie way better.)

Look, listen to me, come closer. Nope, too close, take one step back. Okay, thank you. Now open your ears and hear what I'm saying.

Whole Cake but sanuso, BUT Sanji has fully transitioned via Ivankov and her poster has not been changed from the bad drawing yet. This means when they go to pick up Sanji, the disowned son, they are meeting Sanji the trans woman who cannot marry another woman ala Pudding. Not because of the gay thing, but because Charlotte Linlin expects babies from all her married kids.

Hold on, I'm not done. There's more, but it's below the cut cause I'm nice.

Okay so clown 1 and clown 2 arrive with their convincing arguments or alternative threats ready to go only to see Sanji and immediately call Judge so they can check. Is this the right person? Judge said a son didn't he?

Vito: "You have two daughters?"

Judge: "No. One daughter."

Vito: "There is a woman here calling herself Sanji."

Judge: "Sanji is my bastard son. He has the same eyebrows as the others, and he's blonde."

Both of the retrievers look at Sanji who fits the bill except for being a pissed off looking woman.

Vito: "Uh, you know what. We'll just bring 'Sanji' to you and you can make your best judgement."

Judge: "You'd better."

Sanji arrives. Reiju is doing her absolute best to remain appearing emotionless, but the giggles are being held at bay by a thread because this was the best possible way to get out of this marriage. Sanji the escape artist wins again in her eyes. The tri color brothers? They immediately start laying on the mockery and sexist comments of which Sanji is Not A Fan, but they threatened Zeff, and she needs to see how this is going to play out before doing anything. Judge? Absolutely pissed. He cannot give any of his other sons to Charlotte Linlin because they have actual value in his eyes. He was supposed to be giving the trash away, and the one thing Linlin needs out of any marriage deal is grandchildren. Grandchildren Sanji cannot provide with the one kid Linlin planned to give up ala Pudding.

Judge will either have to figure out a magical de-transition method that is instant (not possible in the time they have left). Give up one of his valuable sons (extremely not wanted). Or lie about Sanji's gender and go through the deal hoping they can get out unscathed until this is "fixed".

They opt to lie. Sanji who kept her hair short, only because longer hair was too much of a hassle in the kitchen, doesn't even have the option to be dysphoric due to the lengths the Vinsmokes are going through to pass her off as a man. Like. It's extremely pathetic. It's sad. It's one of Usopp's "I can't do X disease" level of awful and bad except Usopp's little lies were at least coming from someone cute.

They put a fake beard on her. Reiju is responsible for her make up. Clothes are tailored to hide the obvious curves. Sanji is making every step of this process as difficult as possible. There's nothing no one can do about her voice, though it's only slightly pitched up from before her transition. They tell her not to talk and slap the exploding handcuffs on her to make sure she doesn't. They say she's half mute or something, and Linlin says something like husbands are best seen and not heard. They buy it. They fucking buy it. Sanji isn't sure who's more stupid, the Vinsmokes for putting her through this fluke, or the Charlottes because they fall for it hook line and sinker. Her beard starts to fall off halfway through a meal and they rush her back to her room.

There are multiple mishaps where she's almost "caught", and her brothers are annoyed because they have to put in effort to cover for her unless they want to be auctioned off. Reiju is putting in a lot less effort to cover for her. But Sanji is tired. She is angry. She wants to go home. The fake beard is itchy. The clothes aren't her style. She misses her cute stilettos that Usopp lovingly sharpened the heels on. She is getting some entertainment from making trouble by nearly exposing her 'secret', but it does nothing to ease her worry of the ticking time clock to this farce of a wedding.

Pudding is nice at least. A little touchy, but nice. Sanji is so tempted to compliment the young girl, but the bracelets around her wrists are a very cold reminder not to.

Usually I have more to write where I go over the whole arc with this kind of headcanon, but I don't. Have some snippet ideas.

Usopp yelling out, "What did they do to my babygirl!" in earshot and Sanji giving him the wettest most pathetic sad cat eyes because she loves when Usopp calls her that and she wants TO LEAVE.

Sanji revealing her gender at the altar, and Pudding having a lesbian awakening.

Sanji actually taunting her brothers with a reversal of the sexist commentary they were throwing at her and then saving them.

Hearing multiple Charlotte kids question why Judge lied about having another son, and that they would've accepted a daughter to marry into the family. Some even say a daughter offering might've even prevented the whole assassination attempt thing.

Usopp gently putting Sanji's spiky stilettos on her feet like Cinderella and her prince, and she gets a horrible nosebleed. This happens moments before she's being dragged off to remake the wedding cake.

Pudding is still having the split genuine thirst and fake angry reactions to Sanji where she's just like (thumbs up emoji) in response.

Multiple cut scene styled flashbacks where random Charlotte kids realize Sanji was very obviously a woman, and they'd been too stupid in the moment to pay real attention to her slip ups.

Injured Sanji giving the double middle finger to the Vinsmokes as they part ways.

Luffy seriously asking Sanji why they didn't put her in a wedding dress. Were they too stupid to see she's a girl? He could tell it was really obvious so why didn't they?

Sanji in an irritated voice explaining to Luffy what they put her through, and then placing her hands on her blushing cheeks as she explains she only wants to wear a wedding dress once. She pointedly looks at Usopp and flutters her lashes. Usopp gets all bashful and smiley and starts a whole spiel about how if they got married it'd be way grander than what the Charlottes could come up with. Sanji is swooning. Nami is moments from throwing them both overboard for being way too mushy.

You got that right? Okay, good. Have a nice evening!

i know next to nothing about queer theory, but i did exist online during (what felt like) huge exclusionary periods (ace discourse, bi/pan discourse, and transmedicalism were the big ones i remember)

i wonder if the first drive for sexuality being something unchangeable and intrinsic to you had something to do with those things, that queerness was fixed and definable, which meant that there were strict lines to be drawn about who was and wasn't gay/lesbian/bi which was only made worse by trans and nonbinary people who didn't exactly fit the previous molds

ill be doubly honest and say i only interacted w/ the community online at the time bc living in a homophobic country doesnt give you a lot of opportunities to meet up in person which means my view of the whole thing is skewed. im not sure if this makes any sense

What I’m about to say isn’t a diagnosis of the causes behind those discourses (partly because i don’t think there is a single reason animating those arguments), but like I guess in general a very baseline authority people fall back on is biology. Dominant reactionary discourses describe being gay trans etc as a lifestyle choice, as an active decision to participate in sexual and gendered degeneracy, and so a very appealing counter-claim to make is to point to biology - we are born this way, we can’t help who we are just as cishet people cannot help who they are, so you should accept us because we can’t change our identity. That rhetorical strategy requires/assumes a stable sexual and gendered ontology, a primary authority of the body that can’t be altered. While I believe this argument is fundamentally flawed, I think this is a straightforwardly easy argument to make re: sexual orientation. With trans and non-binary people this is more difficult because the foundational claim to our existence is that gender is mutable, is alterable, is subject to change (and also “I’ve felt this way since I was a child” is a pathological model of gender dysphoria that is enforced through medical and psychiatric institutions, not a reflection of lived reality for many, many trans and non-binary people). That doesn’t necessarily mean being transgender is a “choice” (although if someone said they woke up one day and chose to be transgender then that is a perfectly authentic justification), especially because “choice” in these discussions is often framed as individualised, private, detached from the social world - we are all just free agents making rational autonomous decisions in a field of equally rational choices, etc. which I think is a very impoverished way to understand choice and agency. Gender is an institution, it is a set of behaviours and performances that we choose to engage in in many different ways, and my use of the word ‘choice’ there does not imply these choices are free from coercion, violence, or harm. I chose to transition, I chose to engage in performances and behaviours that signal to the social world that I am a man - where that desire to make those choices arises from is another matter, and honestly not one I’m super interested in figuring out. Like if I discovered the ‘origin’ of my transness it wouldn’t make any difference to me. Similarly, how I choose to signal masculinity is very obviously bound up in dominant gendered assumptions. Trans people get accused of upholding gendered norms a lot, but that’s only because we aren’t taken seriously unless we do so! It is a survival mechanism that allows us to better navigate incredible amounts of violence and social exclusion, and arguing that our desire to do gender with our bodies comes from some grade-school assumption that dress = woman and pants = man or whatever is pure projection on the part of cis people. cis men think if they drink pink wine they’ll become gay - trans people are not the ones enforcing these norms here.

Getting a bit far afield here, so to loop back around - I think a stable state of sexual and gendered subjectivity or “being” is very appealing to a lot of people because it’s a way to dismiss reactionary fears and to justify to yourself that your oppression is entirely out of your control (which is true obviously!). Again I think these arguments are flawed because they buy into cisgendered and heteronormative ideas about gender and sexuality, that it is a biological burden imposed on us, that deviance is not a choice, that gender is done to us as opposed to being gendered agents, that we are similarly trapped in a sexual prison and should be accepted on those grounds, etc, but they have massive rhetorical power.  

As I’ve said before I’m a pretty staunch believer in Butler’s assertion that it is social all the way down, that gender is not discoverable in the body but rather the body is the medium through which gender is done in the world. Cis people choose to do gender just as much as trans people do! The only difference is that institutional architecture is set up to facilitate and make invisible (in very misogynistic and racist ways) those gendered practices. I think the stronger counter argument to make is that cis- and het-normativities are deeply violent and miserable status quos that need to be dismantled and discarded, that true choice can only emerge vis a vis gender and sexuality once those institutions are abolished, and that choice is actually a desirable end-goal - I want people to be able to participate in gender and sexuality as free agents, as non-coercive practices that are sites of great joy and wonder and pleasure. And this world is only possible if we accept that there is no gendered or sexual ontology, that it is all smoke and mirrors, that this current system’s primary function is to reproduce the nuclear family, to maintain the hereditary nature of class and wealth and race, to provide a standardised system of labour division, to maintain a distinction between the public and private labour realms, and so on.

So again like, is this what animates discourses about who gets to be counted as lgbtq/queer/whichever label you want to use? I don’t know. Probably some of it has to do with that. Queerness is in party a pathological category that is used to describe a failure to meaningfully reproduce cishet norms and practices, it is a set of relationships you have to legal and political and medical and administrative institutions (which is especially true for trans/non binary people). I like this definition because built into it is the possibility of change - I do not want trans people to be assimilated into cishet society, I want society to become transgender, thereby making transgender an irrelevant medical and legal category of person. Much like communism aims to abolish class by universalising the proletariat, I want to abolish gender by universalising the legal and political and medical mechanisms of transition. Only then will cisgenderism be abolished.

One thing I have been thinking a lot about is something a friend said to me, which is that human rights to do not begin with a definition of human - in the same way, I think trans rights do not require a definition of transgenderism. Just universalise and de-pathologise the mechanisms through which transition is expressed. Make it easy to change your name, remove all barriers to hormones and surgery, make everyone economically secure enough that they can change their wardrobe however they please,  desegregate all gendered spaces, de-gender clothing, remove gender markers from all documents, and so on and so on. Doing so would make both cisgender and transgender an irrelevant legal and political category and, again, allow choice to emerge as a meaningful mechanism of gender expression. 

This isn’t a comprehensive policy platform, there are many things I’m sure I haven’t thought through and a large portion of this discussion has to contend with the colonial and white supremacist nature of the western binary gender (bringing us into discussions of decolonial efforts, socialist efforts, and so on), but this is already getting long and I feel like I’m rambling. But like fundamentally I believe in a radical political imaginary that argues that all of this is subject to change and therefore any arguments about an essential gendered or sexual being is, at the end of the day, a reactionary description of gender and sexuality 

Talk Shop Tuesday: If you could immediately pluck one story/concept/idea from your brain and have it fully formed in front of you, exactly as you would want, what would that idea be? Can you describe it to us, along with any potential factors that are slowing you down/blocking you from creating it in the first place? Thanks! <3 -@fieldsofview

Oh, boy, that is a question!

My first thought is that I'd like to have When Two Become One (or, oh dear, Little and Broken, but Still Good) completed, just to not have the dangling WIP to worry about.

But really, honestly, if I was sitting here with the one-use-only magical wishing stone that would take a story from my brain and give me a ready-to-release perfect version of it? I would ask it to finish the historical-with-magic m/m romance that I started writing a bit over five years ago and had plotted five followups to.

It's such a great story! It has magical soulbonds that are made, not found! It has a whole system of gay marriage fitted into a historical setting in a way that I personally find satisfying and logical! It has the obstacle to marriage between our heroes being that they are too exactly well-matched for each other (and therefore it's painfully difficult to determine which of them ought to become a non-person and lose his independent inheritance and social status by becoming the dependent spouse of the other, because it's 1834 and somebody has to not be a whole legal person anymore after they get married, that's the rules).

It has COMPLEMENTARY MAGICAL ABILITIES REVEALING ROMANTIC COMPATIBILITY. It has YEARNING. It has a DUEL (well, almost) and a huge historic disaster that our heroes get swept up in, leading to SWOONING FROM MAGICAL EXHAUSTION. It has the baby sister who the hero wants to protect SOLVING PROBLEMS HERSELF, with the help of her trans girlfriend. (It has magical gender affirmation for trans people, because what kind of magical setting would it be if it didn't??) It has a HORRIBLE COUSIN WHO WILL INHERIT THE ESTATE who turns out in a subsequent book to be not really horrible at all so much as, you know, autistic and traumatized and dashed awkward in sensitive situations, and in need of just the right adorable twink to understand him and love him.

It unfortunately has a terminal lack of writing momentum due to me picking away at it through all the years when my writing had not come home from the wars, and so I just feel sort of exhausted every time I think about figuring out what the fuck happens in chapter five and how to put that into words and sentences and paragraphs, so I've stuck it in the drawer and moved on to things that I feel a bit less daunted by, although just this second I feel daunted by every activity more complicated than playing Cake Sort on my phone and watching a lot of Air Crash Investigations, because life is a lot right now.

But if I just had this novel straight from the wishing stone, I could read it, and I'm sure I would love the whole thing again and be ready to write the next five books, and also I could publish the dear thing and tell people it's a bit like a KJ Charles (with less murder) or Jordan L Hawk (with less eldritch horror), and it would probably sell pretty decently and I could be firmly on the way with my five year plan to be able to do more writing and less day-jobbing. And that would be awfully nice.

Why representation is important- a rant

So, as a kid, I constantly felt off. People would tell me that my name was "pretty" and it felt weird to me. I was put off by being called "daughter" or "little girl" or "princess" but I never could figure out why. My mom called me her little tomboy and that's what I assumed I was- a tomboy. I liked dressing up for important events (like picking up my brother from the airport), but that was it.

Getting older, but not by much, I started hating how I looked and felt. I cut my hair really short, much to the dismay of my mother. When I went to school the next day, people in class called me a boy- and I didn't see anything wrong or offensive about it.

It was sixth grade when I learned. This kid I barely tolerated, and only because we had been friends since kindergarten, told me they were pansexual and genderfluid. I asked them what they were talking about, and they opened up this whole world. I did so much research, and at first, I said I was a straight ally.

As I did more research, I began identifying as pansexual. I had noticed my attractions and started identifying accordingly- but something still bothered me. I thought this new identity would fix everything, yet it fixed nothing.

As I explored my attraction, I tried out different sexual and romantic labels, not quite grasping at the concept. It took me a while to say "hey, maybe its my gender" and exploring I went.

I tried demigirl, she/they, but that didn't feel right at all. I still hated my name, the word girl, and the pronouns she. I changed my name, started identifying as demigender, and used they/them. It felt better, but still not right. I simply could not figure it out.

I was extremely frustrated and dealing with things in my personal life. I was just so upset that I could not seem to find out my own goddamn gender. My friends all seemed so sure that they knew what they were that I felt like I couldn't trouble them with this.

I decided to begin going by he/they and identifying as a demiboy. It felt better, but still not right. I began to ask if I may be genderfluid or something, but being called a girl just never felt right to me. It was then I realized that I may just be a guy. Used he/him and it felt great, but surprise surprise, the name I came up with because of a meme wasn't doing it for me. It didn't feel as bad as my deadname, but still not right.

It wasn't until one night, I was up late texting my friend, when they said I looked like a Jonathan. I laughed it off and didn't really say anything about it until later. The name flooded my mind and I really wanted to be called it, so I hopped onto Stardew Valley and changed my character's name to Jonathan. Walking around and being called Jonathan just felt extremely right to me, so that's what I started putting everywhere.

Now, of course, while this gender crisis was going on, there was still the issue of my sexuality. It went from pansexual to lesbian to bisexual to abrosexual and just all over the place. For a while, I identified as omni, but that didn't fit quite right either, but neither did just "gay". So, I decided that, hey, sexuality is fluid and confusing, so I'll just say I'm queer.

It was only after coming out that I was recommended shows and books with LGBTQ+ content. The one show I did watch that had it, Steven Universe, was so subtle at the time that I didn't understand it until later. However, if I had known about shows like Dead End Paranormal Park, The Owl House, ect., figuring out all this stuff may have been so much easier.

So if you think these shows will turn your kid gay, please look past your prejudice. Everyone should question their identity at some point- whether it sticks or not doesn't matter. What does matter is that your kid feels comfortable in their own skin and doesn't have to spend their childhoods hating themself for feeling weird or wrong.

So yes, representation is important.

Rambling rant/vent about queer impostor syndrome and the difficulties of discovering your queerness later in life, skip if it's potentially triggering or you're just not interested

So I'm 28 and AMAB and been living as "cishet" pretty much my whole life. I've been passing as straight my entire life because in school everyone using "gay" or a slur as their default insult basically made me just not want to engage with queerness at all so I kind of shoved those feelings away, and then for most of my adult life I have been in a relationship a woman. I admitted to myself that I was bi a couple years ago, but I never really explored that part of my sexuality outside of private thoughts and fantasies.

Now, I'm recently single and wanting to experiment and explore my sexuality and gender but I feel so distant from other queer people. I know that I'm attracted to more than just women, and I spend way too much time looking at egg memes and secretly trying on girls' clothes and wanting to be cute and pretty to realistically keep identifying as a cis man in the long term, but because pretty much everyone perceives me as just another cishet guy, I don't know how to actively engage with queerness. It's especially disheartening when I'm around queer people and they make jokes about me being a "token straight" or someone will reference something like drag race or something that's part of "queer culture" that I'm unfamiliar with and just say I'm too straight to get it. It just makes me feel like maybe I can't be queer because I don't fit in, and while I know that that feeling isn't based in anything rational, I still feel it.

Also seeing younger queer people so confidently assert their identities in such an open and celebratory way is bittersweet for me. It brings me so much joy to see them exploring themselves and being out and open, but at the same time, I feel envious that I haven't been able to do the same yet. I know it's never too late to come out and everything, but I wish I would have been able to do it at a younger age, when it feels more comfortable to be experimenting and trying new things. When I was at university, I experimented a lot, I hung out with different groups of people, I explored new interests, learned new ways of thinking, and all this sort of stuff, but now everything in my life is so stable that the thought of going back to that experimental and developmental stage in my life is kind of scary.

I haven't really seen/heard people voice feelings like this much before, so idk if this is going to resonate with anyone at all (especially on what is probably one of the queerest spaces on the internet) but I just wanted to get these feelings out somewhere and I figured this was probably the best place I have to do it

I think what upsets me the most about all those "Izzy is the one true queer" stuff isn't even the Izzy of it all it's the way these people want to demonize and exclude Stede from finding/belonging in queer community (whether within show canon or in a modern setting) for the crime of...not knowing he was queer until late in life? When part of the whole point of the show is it's never too late to figure these things out and find the place you really belong? Like forget whether or not Izzy fits those criteria or not (and he doesn't), the idea that you don't *really* belong in queer communities if you didn't throw bricks at Stonewall and lose friends to AIDS is just not it.

Y'know, I was thinking about this since I received it.

Within the show, the Revenge very much represents a queer safe space, but it's not the whole of the queer community. Ed, Izzy, Calico Jack, and to a lesser degree Fang and Ivan, show how toxic masculinity affects queer men. I'm not sure whether to read Izzy as an out gay man, but he's definitely queer - and he is fully invested in the hierarchy of masculinity and of what is and is not acceptable as masculine attributes. He hates Stede and Lucius most explicitly, and they are the most clearly effeminate/GNC gay men on the show (in Season 1 - Season 2 develops Wee John even more in that direction). It has damaged Izzy - he's repressed and he's ashamed of his own desires. He tries to use shame against Stede and Lucius, neither of whom are ashamed; Stede in part because he's unaware of his sexuality and Lucius because he's very comfortable in his queerness. He does use shame effectively with both Ed and Fang and the effect is to keep them in their places as men (and as MoC—interesting how all the "one true queer" concepts don't seem to touch on race at all).

All of which is to say that Izzy represents how horribly toxic concepts of what it means to be "a man" can warp someone, including someone who may be out. Queer men are not exempt from that toxicity because of their queerness.

When it comes to Stede, I think there's also a class thing going on. Stede has a lot of privilege, which the show pretty openly explores. What he does, he does for the right reasons - he wants a community, he wants friends, he has wealth and power and he uses it to further the cause of queer liberation. That is going to piss off some people because it says that privilege can indeed be used for good—and I do kinda get that annoyance. But it's also true? Stede is a gay man looking for a community where he can fit in. He's kind and he's caring and he doesn't condescend (and Izzy really does condescend—he condescends to the crew of the Revenge, he condescends to Ed, he condescends to Fang, he condescends to Stede). Stede learns where he goes wrong and tries to correct it. He belongs not because of his wealth, but because of his queerness and his kindness.

Basically, it sounds like these folks read Izzy as a gatekeeper, which seems to me antithetical to what queerness even is. You don't lock people out because they don't fit your personal definition for how to be queer or how to do gender or sexuality "right." That's just bigotry.

Anyway, if anyone threw bricks at Stonewall, it was Wee John. Probably broke some cops' heads too.

~~Rant~~

I hate the argument about how queer is a slur and an off-limits word/label. because like it's the only label I've found that really truly resonates with me. I'd been trying to find something that fit right for about three years when I started using queer.

first I was bisexual, bc I was very new to queerness, in the sense that I knew about binary trans people, gay men, and lesbians, and that was like it. and my close friend had just come out to me as bi, and I was like "holy shit, there's a word for being into both genders? that's allowed??" something deep in my being snapped, and it was like I could see the world correctly for the first time. bc this was how I had felt my whole life. I was crushing on girls and either suppressing it or mistaking it for a platonic love. and I was making up extra crushes on boys, to overcompensate.

so then I dove deep into queer culture and learned about all these orientations, but also found out about the gender spectrum and fluidity. so here was this huge gender thing crashing down on me with the realization that "wait, I can be feminine, but I don't have to be a girl? and I can embrace my masculinity without being a boy?" and I was a little in denial for a bit and said I was gender fluid bc I think I was too nervous to admit that large of a change to myself, that I wasn't what I had thought I'd been my whole life, so I decided to just pretend I was a little bit that. (THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT ACTUAL GENDERFLUID PEOPLE ARE IN DENIAL ABOUT THEIR GENDER. THIS IS JUST WHAT I DID. ILY GENDERFLUID PEOPLE, YOU'RE COMPLETELY VALID <3)

and this gender thing took for-fucking-ever to figure out, but I'm settled on transmasc nonbinary. so where did that leave me for orientation? I kept thinking things like "maybe I'm a lesbian. idk if I like guys all that much," or "well actually idk if I like girls," or "what if I don't like anyone. I think I'm aroace." and eventually I said omnisexual/romantic, but I was still thinking these things.

because here's my deal: if I find myself attracted to a girl, I'm like "this is a gay ass feeling." and if I find myself attracted to a boy, I'm like "feeling real fruity rn." and any other gender, I just feel gay if I am attracted to someone. never do I look at someone and think "wow I wanna spend so fucking much non platonic time with you in a fully heterosexual manner."

at the same time, I often think about all those crushes I made up, and the way that I go so so long without having a crush and how I am content with not having a romantic relationship and how my past romantic partners never clicked right. and I think "perhaps I really am arospec."

and I think of how I've never been sexually attracted to someone, with like two exceptions ever, and those two people were people I knew very well. and how the idea of having sex seems like something I could participate in, but only probably for someone else's sake, not something I'd initiate. I think of how sometimes I feel like I never ever want to have sex ever bc I just don't want someone to touch me like that, or to touch someone else like that. I think of how sometimes I actually am really into the idea of sex, hypothetically. and I think "is there a spot on the ace spectrum for that?"

and so I look at all of this and I am faced with the question: "how the hell do you put all of that under a label?"

there are two answers here; 1. I don't, and I go unlabeled. I hate this answer. my autism loves to sort and label things. (of course there's an exception for other people. if someone else is unlabeled I'm not gonna say "actually you're this." this only applies to myself and my own things) 2.

Queer !!!

queer is the only label that can encompass all of that, for me. obviously, I could use a bunch of microlabels, and I love microlabels, really, I just would probably lose track of everything quickly.

so yeah, I have a huge fucking issue with people saying that I am not allowed to use the only label that's ever felt like a home to me, the only label that's ever fully covered everything that I am and everything that I feel.

if you don't want to be called queer, good, I won't call you that. but I will not stop calling myself queer. if you have a problem with that, then like actually fuck you

For long have you known you're genderfluid? And how did you figure it out? Gender is so much more confusing than sexuality

You know if you like dick or tits, but gender? A whole other monster

This is going to sound ridiculous, but I figured it out because of tiktok

In 2020, during the pandemic, I had a full-blown gender and sexual crisis. I still had long hair, but I found a way to make it so it looked short in pictures and when I was wearing a beanie.

Here, I offer you my pretend short hair and half of my face for the first time on Tumblr

(Yes, this is me with long ass hair pretending i have short hair for pics. The logistics were complicated as fuck but i believe i achieved my goal).

Feeling masc made me so so confused. Because i was used and raised to be hyper feminine. I considered the fact that I might be a trans guy, but no. It didn't make sense. Most of the time I didn't quite care about my gender - just my gender presentation -, I 100% did not and do not want to have a dick, I love my chest (for existing. Not for being gigantic the way it is. That I hate) and my curves (your boy has a tiny waist and child bearing hips, yall) so being a full on guy didn't make sense to me

One day I came across this genderfluid tiktoker and they like could transition from looking like a woman to looking like a dude in a snap and I was like THATS IT. THATS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT

Et voilà

I'm a proud and out genderfluid

You are correct. I'm also of the opinion finding your sexuality is easier than the gender

Sexuality is something more "exterior". It's easy to know what you like and don't like If you think hard enough or if you try both flavors (I dated a man and went on dates with men. Not my thing at all. I was uncomfortable the whole time. I'm 100% gay for sure). Gender is a more internal thing and can be tricky

My advice is: if you can, don't give a shit about the labels and just be you. But, if you really feel like you need to put a name on it, research. I'm sure there's a label out there that will fit you 99%, for as obscure as it might be. Whatever it is, wear it proudly and live your best life

having some thoughts abt trans rep in bg3... the option to be trans/nb as the pc was obviously not tacked on as an afterthought (as limited as the cc may be, the they/them pronouns in voiced lines took time, effort and money to record, and figuring out how to make the genital meshes fit the different body types probably took time too, esp considering so much customization seems attached to body type, but thats a whole other thing), and i really like that i get to make trans characters!! of course i do. but ive played through the whole game once and ive met... two other trans characters (one of which i only know is trans because ive read she is). both in act 3, too, so it takes a long while before you see them. and i just... idk. yes theres plenty of gay/bi/etc characters, from your companions to important npcs to background ones, and that was so nice and refreshing and i enjoyed it so much. but playing as a trans pc i still felt like it was an incredibly lonely experience in-universe. and for players looking for that, it sucks having to go through two thirds of the game being the only one.

ofc i might have just missed stuff, im not always the most attentive or observing player, but it still made me sad for my character and tiredly resigned as a player. yes being able to be explicitly, mechanically trans is incredible in itself and the fact that it's possible at all is so encouraging! but god. i dont want to be almost the only one in the world. and when so much thought seems to have gone into other queer rep, why do so little with gender?

past year and always with gender has been so wacky crazy . bc obv when i was younger i was like i am a girl but i am different bc i am gay and don’t care about “girl” things and have something that sets me apart from other girls (probably mix of like . the then undiagnosed autism and internalized misogyny and also just effects of how kids treated me) and then college years i was like idk i am a girl but also not a girl but still a lesbian because i still had that whole confusion going on and then i was like i think im a trans guy because i cant be a girl like this because it doesn’t fit me perfectly and it worked and fixed things for a while but then being a trans guy ultimately started to feel worse than i felt before so now im back to just like idk hanging out . lesbian and girl but also not a girl and just a person who doesn’t need to like figure out exactly what is going on gender wise because whatever

Smalltown Boy HCs & Lore dumping

https://archiveofourown.org/works/53524066/chapters/135478702

The fic is finished for a while now, so today I wanna share my thoughts and HCs behind this fic of gay! Ilmo 👀

Whatever my personal HC is regarding his sexuality (it switches constantly lol), I still HC Ilmo to have looked up to the lumberjacks and fishermen of his town and it's what inspired him to contribute to his community and try to save it 🥺 Together with a few other minor hints I tried to drop in there

More random ramblings, sorta spoilers and kind of me-lore dump about this whole fic becos I love talking about these things <3

Idk how accurate it would be in this part of the US + time, but my dad used to tell me stories when he was a young lad (in the 70-80s) nobody rly blinked an eye if he hung around with adults. Like on holiday, going on a boat trip with others that were non-family) But I liked that vibe/idea so I made the Koskela kids hang around the lumber mill etc. a lot when they were young and that those men were the father figures/role models after their own dad passed away.

I HC their parents being part of the Torchbearers but it was a secret for them until they got older and their mom finally came clean about what really happened to their dad. EDIT: In the final fic, it ends up to be Zeke who tells the Koskelas the secret. This also cements Ilmo and Jaakko's desire to follow in their parents' footsteps later in life.

The whole red thread of questions is inspired by the book Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe which is such a wonderful book ldkfdsj

The mention of the trailer park owner is how I imagine the reason for Ilmo to strive to become a better owner later in his life (as we can see with him 'taking care' of Saga's bills after she supposedly left Watery for a while. It was illegal but he's like fuck the government + class solidarity which I think is very fitting for him and Jaakko)

The conversation with Zeke was inspired by a scene in Moonlight where the MC asks his father figure about the F-slur.

In this story, Zeke is really one of the biggest inspirations for Ilmo to pursue the motor club thing, bike & cool jacket and all :')

Initially, Zeke was going to be gay but ICR what changed my mind 😅

Jaakko’s throwing hands is both a HC but also now more confirmed/supported by the dropped Cult lines Jaakko has where he expressed violent tendencies lmao

The Koskela kids sneaking into the mortuary is my attempt to show them learning to illegally sneak into things from an early age xD also to show their fuck the establishment vibes once more

Originally, the Prom fic was going to be the final chapter but then I finished writing the coming out scene with Jaakko and thought that'd be narratively more fitting to end the story on. So the prom fic became its own bonus thing :D

I wasn't gay in my early childhood/mid teenhood but homophobia and the gender binary were rampant in school. Which were partial inspirations for what Ilmo's dealing with in this story. I was a very gender non-confirming cis girl who looked androgynous and it fucking sucked in high school. I downright feared going to the public bathroom becos of catty girls talking shit behind my back, within my ear range of course)

Additionally, high school students knew if you were different. Whether you were super flamboyant or not, they'd notice something was 'off' about you. I noticed it happen to myself and to a friend of mine.

Willex but they're both non binary.

They talk about how as a kid, it always felt weird being a young man, and growing up, their mind shifted when someone referred to them as "that guy" as if they just remembered how they are perceived.

Willie talks about in school, classmates would mock him for putting his hair on a braid and teachers would say he should cut it if he wanted to look respectable, he didn't, he felt pretty with his braided, he liked brushing his hair slowly and curling strands around his fingers, he started to give a middle finger to anyone who made fun of it, but he did wondered "what if i do look like a girl" and the thought never felt weird on his skin.

Alex talks about how he never could quite grasp what it meant to be a man, he used to think he'd never understand and would never fit in, but he figured out that if he tried to hard to act and look like a guy, he'd blow it, so he (unconsciously) took the mannerisms and the slang boys around him used, it wasn't an effort, it wasn't an effort to be around his sister and her friends and the girls at school, til someone called him out and said "boys don't act and don't speak like that" and suddenly he felt like being torn apart, thinking of every move and word and how they appeared to others.

Willie mentions the portion of androgynous kids at his neighborhood and how confident they looked but also how they never floated above the world, simply existing as if none saw smth wrong with them, Willie felt safe under that thought. Alex talks about sneaking into clubs and dancing the whole night and how none cared the way he moved, except to cheer him on it, dance always blurred the lines between masculine and feminine moves, he was just Alex, til someone in the club would compliment him and finish with calling him "girl", with no ounce of mockery, while that didn't made him feel right, didn't made him feel wrong either.

Neither of them ever showed a problem with liking "girl stuff", it was never a secret that Alex had a thing for pink and none in his band ever said smth bad abt it, Willie knew the adults always criticized his hair, his pierced ear and all his bracelets, but he didn't care it was just them being old, most of kids his age were getting those.

Things only became quite clear when they became ghosts and entered the new queer generation, that talked loudly about gender non conforming people and mixed up pronouns. Sure it sounded like a whole mess, but Willie was all about the mess. Alex was startled by how everything came to surface so fast and had a ton of questions.

Julie was already used to answering his questions, so after explaining what gender non conformity is and non binary different labels to Alex and Willie, she proposed to make experimentation party. Flynn was invited, the boys were there to mess around, everyone was trying on makeup and painting nails, cross dresing, some harmful mockery was made by Luke and Reggie but dutifully corrected by the girls, leaving even Willie and Alex with a new lesson. God, how awful was their time? Of course Luke and Reggie apologized, even Alex apologized because he never thought that jokes like were actually harmful.

After their little party, it wasn't unusual for them painting nails, even Reggie was wearing more eyeliner before their gigs (hell knows how he applied it without a mirror) but it was for fun. It felt different for Willie to have his nails painted and putting on girl shorts, for Alex, it was about intertwined terms when referring to him. It felt so new to both of them, and different, and old. It felt like realizing he was gay again. Willie was the first to tell Alex he didn't felt like he was boy entirely, like it was okay for him to behave like one, but he didn't felt attached to it like an identity, Alex said it was okay and that he'd still be his boyfriend.

As Willie started to present way more androgynous than before, now as a conscious decision, Alex started to question himself about that, spiraling again about what changes he'd had to adapt to if he thought about his gender identity. It was so easy for Willie, just changing without really changing. But for Alex, it carried multiple questions like, would that make him not a guy anymore? Would he still be gay? Would he have to come out again? What if he asked to change pronouns? "You don't have to do anything." Julie said. "There aren't rules to be non binary, hon, you see me? I'm genderfluid but i just love being girly." Flynn said. "And if there were, they certainly wouldn't apply to us." Willie said. Alex wanted to give it a chance. He didn't wanted to make a big deal out of it, so he just gave everyone a heads up before starting practice.

"She as in...girl?" Luke asked when Alex told he was going by he/she now. "Yeah." Alex didn't felt like explaining everything inside of it, sounded too complicated for the first conversation they were having about it. "Cool. Is that it?" And before Alex could say yes, Willie called out and said he was also changing pronouns, going only by they/them. Sure, everyone said. Reggie got confused and had the same questions Alex did when he spiraled about it, Alex said it didn't had to change anything, he was still alex, still gay, still their drummer, "whatever change it is, it's good change." They said. Alex agreed.

Except Alex didn't changed that much apart from being referred as her, being called girlfriend occasionally by his partner, and Reggie ranking girl petnames, Alex was okay with princess but not with dollface. Especially when Reggie added a southern accent to it. Willie changed, a hundred times, going back and forth. Alex liked their changes and celebrated each one.

So Alex and Willie were most definitely not girls, but they weren't exactly attached to being guys either. They were just ghosts. A ghost drummer, a ghost skater and each other's ghostfriend.

why YJH orv shouldve been a girl

*Specifically a trans woman, btw. If she was a cis woman that would be a different conversation and there are nuances regarding transness which wouldnt exist in what im talking about otherwise

(This is gonna be a bulleted list bc fuck ordering things in an essay format, also mega orv spoilers so look away if you havent read the novel in its entirety)

it wouldve been a legitimate time save in previous regressions while mastering breaking the sky swordsmanship and that concept is So Funny to me

the transcenders are all gnc af, theres a whole theme surrounding breaking from the norm to reach their true potential, it wouldve fit thematically

if done right, it could emphasize the theme of loneliness thats tied with joonghyuk’s character if none of her other companions are trans; even if they were it wouldnt have mattered since they would have forgotten she was a woman in future regressions anyway

if she tries to repress her identity bc expression of it is deemed unnecessary or meaningless, even more points

would have pushed the narrative foiling with dokja even further since they already have opposing imagery and metaphors, now they would be the opposite gender too

the ‘does dokja and joonghyuk is gay’ joke wouldnt poke fun at the thought of two men being together, but rather at the absurdity of a relationship occurring and still being called such in the first place simply bc of joonghyuk’s gender

bonus points if you emphasize joonghyuk’s canonical lack of interest/attraction to men in light of this, dokja could have joked about that easily

random person: “you two look like lovers lol”

dokja, internally: the bitch is literally a lesbian but Okay-

it would have fit orv’s style of comedy a lot and also remove the slightly homophobic undertones of the original joke too, do you see a downside to this? i dont

she would parallel sookyung (dokja’s mom) even more since joonghyuk essentially “raised” dokja after sookyung could no longer do so

theres already a strong theme about how twsa became dokja’s caretakers in a sense and having joonghyuk be a mother figure instead of a father figure would push the idea of her taking up what should have been sookyung’s duties

besides, the narrative focuses way more on how the lack of a present maternal figure affects dokja over a paternal one so itd be more relevant

also insert joke about joonghyuk being a milf

next, this would parallel sooyoung a lot more, there tends to be this joke amongst creative circles that a creator often projects parts of themselves in their works and that includes characters, both of them being women would make that way more obvious

parallels hayoung bc uh, Trans obviously (sooyoung loves her trans main protagonists lmao)

transfem joonghyuk wouldve made her dynamic/relationship with seolhwa much more interesting since they wouldnt be a typical “het” couple anymore, seolhwa’s character could have been given a little more relevance with the kind of conflicts which could arise from this, the most obvious relating to sexuality

on that note, their ideas of femininity and how they prefer to express it are completely different despite them both being the same gender which could bring up interesting conversations about it (mostly thinking about that scene where seolhwa and joonghyuk go to the auction house prior to gigantomachia and talk about cosmetic skills, this scene couldve been way more fleshed out than it was presented in canon)

if you still want the punisher to exist, this could also fit into that conversation about gender expression and bring up interesting ideas depending on how butch you make joonghyuk

both seolhwa and the punisher would add a lot of complexity to joonghyuk’s whole relationship with self-indulgence and happiness since again, bc of her situation as a regressor she either wouldnt want to open herself up in the interest of practicality or doesnt feel deserving of it when her goal hasnt been accomplished

god are there more points? ill edit this if so but this is already so fucking long-

I actually wrote a whole thing about joonghyuk being uncracked during the events of orv and the comedic potential of it is endless when dokja is the only one who knows, so trust me when i say it does work out very very well (i can link to the stuff in the replies? so far ive got uhhhhh *counts* 54k words of that shit)

Anyways transfem yjh supremacy

I want to talk about Kate Pryde, Bobby Drake and Peter Quill, more specifically, about their respective journeys into queerness.

Idk about you people but I find personally important and meaningful whenever I see characters who had decades of established heterosexuality having authors "change" that because, as an adult, I haven't spent all my life with my sexuality figured out.

In fact, not even 1/3 of my life was spent with the full acknowledgement of my sexuality and gender since I've been figuring things out only recently. Partially because I was raised in a very conservative and christian environment with little to no safety when it comes to queerness.

Until my 20s, I really thought I was cis and straight, even though deep down I knew I was different, no matter how hard I tried to fit in. Things make more sense now.

But the truth is, not everyone has the privilege of embracing queerness, even in countries where our existence is not illegal. Seeing nerds whining and crying like “don’t make established characters gay! It’s forced!” makes me so mad.

Because people like me exist all over the world, still figuring out, still fighting hetcomp culture. On top of that, we KNOW corporations still frown upon this matter, and we know many queer love stories will never be written.

Bobby, Kate and Peter are completely different, but the common ground they have? One thing called “Marvel couldn’t write queer characters even though they’re queer-coded.” That’s actually the whole premise behind early mutanthood. But now there’s a little bit (and I emphasize “little bit”) freedom and a thristy queer market nearly begging for representation. So, a womanizer guy who acts this way because he’s afraid of embracing his own homosexuality? Yeah, it's not really that far-fetched at all. We’ve all seen it happen to neighbors, celebrities, even family.

A guy who lived centuries in space finally feeling safe and comfortable around an m|f couple to the point of joining them? You won’t see it irl but certainly poly bi/pan people felt their heart warm with this story (I know mine did).

And a girl who was constantly forced into relationships with guys named Peter, finally having a chance to feel the same way for girls instead of assuming “it’s just a strong friendship”? Yeah, it defintinely happens. In fact, Kate’s story literally happened to ME (let’s just say I was Illyana in this whole mess, but hey, so happy for my lesbian former friend who, turns out, almost married a guy because of hetcomp)

I’m not saying Bobby’s, Pete’s and Kate’s experiences are outstanding representation. Hell, nah. Kate’s queerness was barely explored (Illyana is right on the line waiting as well). Peter’s relationship with Rich and Gamora are nothing but subtle, as far as Al Ewing was allowed to write them down as a throuple. But listen, at least it gives queer adults some hope that yes, we are allowed to love our own queerness. We’re allowed to feel safe and embrace who we are, no matter how hard and challeging it seems. And I’m not even talking about places where homosexuality is a crime.

So, in short, it shouldn’t be a problem for ANYONE to embrace queerness in established characters. It shouldn’t be a problem for us to see ourselves in established “straight” characters either because we’re not crazy. If we see ourselves in them, it’s because they speak to us in ways other people could not comprehend. Coming out late is a difficult process, but it’s a common occurrence nevertheless. It happens all the time. It happened to me. It’s happening around you as you read this. It’s real, I promise you.