our top story tonight: sad girl shocked to find listening to sad songs makes her even sadder

Constantine TV Series Episode 4 “A Feast of Friends”

Aight, I feel the need to express some feelings about this episode. I’m not sure this is going to be terribly articulate, but I’ll do my best. Let’s do this.

First off, it’s obvious to anyone who has read Hellblazer that this episode is based off of the first two issues of the comic book series. As I wrote in my post about my experience reading it, these issues were the perfect way to start off the series. It’s like “BOOM! This is how it is! Get ready for some serious shit! This is your only warning; this is what you’re in for.” Even though they did change the story for the episode, I still absolutely loved it. The storyline from the comics is a favorite of mine, but even with the changes made in order to adapt it for TV, this was an awesome episode. In fact, it’s my favorite episode of the TV series. Here’s why!  

   Why is it episode 4?

  Unlike the comics this story was adapted to be episode 4, meaning it doesn’t start the TV series. So, why wouldn’t it start the TV series? I think that you have to look at it from a few different perspectives.

  Let’s start with the comic: Issues 1 and 2, titled Hunger and A Feast of Friends respectively, make up the first arc of the Hellblazer series. Most fans know, however, that Hellblazer is not John’s first appearance in comics; he got his own series after appearing throughout the American Gothic story arc of Swamp Thing. Consequently, many people came into Hellblazer at the time having some familiarity with the character. While this chapter does expand on John’s character some, this doesn’t serve as a major introduction to him. They just drop the reader into one of his nightmare-inducing everyday situations with little to no preparation. Those who are familiar with his role in Swamp Thing will, odds are, not find these issues to be terribly weird or particularly jarring considering it’s in a series about John; they have a good idea what they are in for.

   Here is a quick run-down: John returns to his apartment in Paddington after dealing with the horror show that is the Brujeria in the Swamp Thing comics. Exhausted, he comes back to an unwelcome guest; Gary Lester. Gary is one of the friends who was involved in the Newcastle incident (which is fully explained in issue #11), which left each of them scarred in their own way. Gary dealt with the aftermath via drugs, which have left him wide open for other issues. After foolishly releasing a demon from a sacrificial victim, Gary runs to John for help dealing with the destruction said demon is causing. In this case it’s a hunger demon that causes people to feast upon whatever they greatly desire; food, a crucifix, and even an athlete committing autocannibalism. With help from club owner and Voodoo practitioner Papa Midnight, John betrays his vulnerable and trusting friend in order to stop the demon by instead making him the new sacrifice. Trapping the demon inside of Gary, the literal and figurative ghosts of John’s past haunt and torment him mentally as his friend dies slowly and in agony, ending this arc with a melancholy feeling. John stopped a demon, but at the cost of a friend who truly trusted and cared for him.

Using this story to begin the TV series as is, however, would have been more than a little strange. In the minds of most people outside of the comic book world, John Constantine was first introduced to them via the horrifyingly inaccurate Keanu Reeves film. (I love Keanu, I really do, but that film give me agita). Or, if they were introduced to the show after it had already aired, they are introduced via Matt Ryan’s masterful work portraying him in Legends of Tomorrow. While he does an incredible job in both Constantine and Legends (to the point where I find that I may simply be unable to accept anyone else taking on the role in live action) it depresses me terribly that Legends toned down John’s character so much with all the goofiness. It did not suit John at all! If anything, I find myself feeling sorry for Matt Ryan, who tried so hard to do John’s character justice. Uhg.

   Anyway…Already, a lot of the audience is going to be more than a little taken aback by the Constantine series’ portrayal of the character, however comic book accurate he may be. This show is tailored to as wide of an audience as possible, meaning they expect that pretty much no one has read Hellblazer or Swamp Thing before. Consequently, having the series start by just dropping the audience into his crazy world, especially with this particular story arc, might not be the best idea. I’m not saying that his introduction is done super well with the first episode (it’s not a total wreak, but there are issues) but it would have been much harder to start with A Feast of Friends.

     Characterization

    Now, let’s look at it from another angle: characterization. As the 4th episode this was, odds are, done assuming that there would be a lot more episodes after this (oh, the painful reality), but really the viewers are still just getting to know John. So, these early episodes are supposed to establish his character. They see him as knowledgeable and ready to handle the weird and scary in the first episode, and in 2 and 3 you see that he is serious about his work, a loner, weirdly well prepared, and how he interacts with others. While in some situations he does come off like a douche, his douche-ness is on full display in this episode. Honestly, this is accurate to how he is in the comics; he’s a nasty piece of work, after all. A world class bastard. He gives Gary shit for his drug addiction pretty much the entire episode as well as his choice to mess with a demon and the chaos it made that he now has to fix. He, like in the comics, tricks Gary into helping him and it results in a slow, painful death for the man. Gary really did trust John, and not only did John betray him, but he was callous about it. Now, that’s not to say that the situation and Gary’s death doesn’t bother him, and this is also seen in both the episode and the comic, but John solders through a lot of it with his mask of stoic indifference; he blatantly a deliberately betrays his friend without much hesitation.

    John’s characterization in the show is really important. While fans of Hellblazer know what they are in for (John being a dick, betraying people, sacrificing friends, etc) the wide audience the show was meant to appeal to might not respond well to that. How is the audience supposed to relate to a character whose major personality trait in this arc is to basically be a douche (even if it is justified in a way)? Generally speaking, TV shows try to have a lot of characters with redeeming traits and very basic bitch personalities so that as much of the audience as possible can relate to them in some capacity. They can describe the main character as “cool, quirky, sweet, loving, etc” because that is what network television strives for. The point is for the audience to relate to and find a lot of reasons to like the character, especially the main character. The audience is supposed to be able to see the qualities of the character in themselves. An example of a douchy character being changed for network television is the titular character in TV series Lucifer. He can be an asshat at times, but his redeeming qualities shine through in pretty much every episode; he’s helpful, has a strong sense of justice, and cares about Chloe. He often goes out of his way to understand others, although he often misses the mark, and tries to fix problems and issues that he accidentally creates in order to keep relationships with others. These are things people can relate to, and although he can be rather uncouth, it’s played for laughs, and he has more redeeming qualities than not. If the Constantine series started off with John coldly betraying a friend after giving him shit for his addiction the entire episode with not a lot of his positive traits coming through, from the perspective of most people, this might not be a good way to try and connect with the audience. I’m not saying there are people who don’t/won’t, but again, this is network television and they tend to play on the safe side.

    Comic book -> TV

    Ok so let’s move onto the meat of this; the changes made to the story. People always complain when something isn’t totally accurate to the book down to every last detail (Harry Potter *cough cough*) and making story and character changes to adaptions of comic books is nothing new. However, to be fair, there are some legitimately good reasons for this. Time, money, limits technology wise, and pacing are good examples. The most important thing to consider, in my opinion, is that we are going from a comic book to television. Literally, that is the most important thing. Essentially, what the writers had to do when adapting this story for the show was carry over the plot from one medium to another, which is tricky.

    What’s a medium? A medium is a platform that allows a message to be shared or presented. So, using the medium of a comic book is how Jamie Delano was able to share his message; the story of John Constantine. The writers of the television series then had to adapt the story from comics, a visual and written medium, into a different kind of visual medium with different features to it; stage craft, voice, music, etc.

    Comic books have features for story telling; the size and placement of the panels, the writing, word bubbles, narration bubbles, colors, art style, etc. The pro’s to this are that you don’t get paragraph after paragraph describing a place or a person; they literally show them to you and the art presents those details. They also allow for the art to take in the reader emotionally through what the images convey; messy art, sudden loss of color, or even a sudden blank page after a tragic event are simple yet effective ways to convey emotion that are, at times, difficult or downright impossible to put into words. And sometimes the writer wants to leave things to interpretation or allude to something without saying it outright. While this can be done in writing, it can be done through the art as well, and depending on how skilled the artist or creative a set up can be just as effective if not more.

     In television storytelling can be done with another wide array of features. Close-ups on the actors, the actors and their performance in general, music, background narration, changes in location, lighting, ect. This allows for emotions to come across in different ways; the quality of the acting can make or break the effectiveness of the scene, and music and lighting can alter the message or feel of scene in order to change or heighten the point, pacing, the use of CGI or practical effects, etc. So, keeping this in mind, there are many features that are exclusive to film that are not in comic books, and vice versa. So, as you can imagine, adapting the stories or message from one medium to another is nowhere near as straightforward as people like to think it is. In other words, I tend to give the writers/actors/etc a break when it comes to adaption because, honestly, there is a lot that goes into it and it’s not like I could do better, honestly. I mean, there are piss poor adaptions, I’m not gunna lie, but there are a lot of them that I think don’t get enough credit simply because it’s “different” in some ways.

     Aight, let’s first refer back to what I said earlier concerning the comic; these issues aren’t so much an intro to John as they are literally following him from the end of the American Gothic arc in Swamp Thing and to his apartment where he gets involved with more shit (no rest for the wicked, amirite?). So, again, not a good way to start the TV series. In the TV show, they also have to tie in the changes they set up in the previous episodes. Continuity, my friends.

    So, what is different? Here are a few things: John having a safe house, being in the US, Chaz being American and also not involved, Zed being involved and being Latina, the new angel character Manny, and the absence of Papa Midnight really change a lot about the story. The heart of it is John’s relationship with Gary and the defeat of the demon, which thankfully remains unchanged at it’s core. This is the central idea that drives this story and I think that idea was actually done a bit better in the film medium than in the comic.

   Keeping all of these factors and all of these changes that needed in order to keep things consistent with the TV show’s changes, let’s get into why I think that this episode is good even with the changes, but why I love it.

I love It

      After taking some time to consider things, I realize that what really makes this episode great is the actors; specifically, Matt Ryan and Jonjo O'Neill. The chemistry between them is undeniable. The way they look at each other and how they talk to each other really makes you feel like, at one time at least, they were friends. The scene where Gary swipes the ID badge and says “I learned from the best” is a great example of this. The look on his face and John’s; I don’t have a real eloquent way to say it. I just sort of feel it.

The retcon of Gary’s character really helps with this. Being that Gary is introduced and then killed off in two issues, you don’t really get to know his character in the comics. He’s only in one episode of the TV series, yet he feels more fleshed out. Soul was added to the character. Showing his struggles with addiction, as well as what I suspect to be depression and PTSD, really humanized him. In the episode, he was more than just a desperate, annoying junky; he was a flawed and relatable human being. Who hasn’t made a mistake? How many people have made BIG mistakes with consequences difficult to handle? How many people are haunted by their actions from the past? Addiction and the effects is has on people is devastating. I’m glad that they kept the ending true to the comics, but the way he was portrayed in the episode really made me feel for Gary in this case. It almost made me hope that maybe he really would get better, and have the chance at redemption that he was trying so desperately to find. But it wouldn’t be a John Constantine series without an ending like this one; John loses a friend and slowly digs himself deeper into hell.

Of course, it’s the ending of the episode that people really remember best. It’s the scenes that solidified, at least for me, Matt Ryan as John Constantine. It’s what really helped me have faith in the series. Watching it now, and seeing what really could have been, makes the episode somewhat bitter sweet for me. I felt like this is when the series really found it’s footing; the acting, storytelling, and how well arcs from Hellblazer could be adapted. This is where I think Matt Ryan hit his stride and we could see what he was really capable of as an actor if they let him spread his wings. In the earlier episodes I was honestly unsure. He looked the part, but the soul of the character had not really had a chance to shine through.

How John treats Gary at the end really made a difference, too. Holding him while he was in pain, and sitting with him as he died in agony; these simple yet effective changes really drove home John’s humanity in the face of evil and the tough decisions he has to make. The look he gives many at the very end, the anger and sorrow he seems to be struggling to hold back, is haunting.

In this episode, Matt Ryan’s love and dedication to John’s character shine. Seeing the story in live action gave this story a stronger impact. Even without a lot of the social commentary that was present in the comic, the live action element is what really helps drive the story home. I think it’s because it’s real people showing these very real emotions that can be hard to translate into art. Not to say that John Ridgway did a bad job, but it’s different in live action.

I hope I was able to get these thoughts across. I wasn’t sure if I should share this or not, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I know this is sort of jumbled, but hopefully it’s not a total mess to read.

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

Y’all mind if I go on a tangent about Badge-A-Fire? Okay? Okay.

When I watched this ep for the first time...HOO BOY I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO, HOLY MOLY. I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean it in a "Holy shit why do I relate to this so much" way.

Just like Not Impressed, Small, Scared of Puppets and Adoradad, this ep does a WONDERFUL job explaining the effects of childhood trauma. It also explains some of the symptoms of ADHD. (Note: these symptoms occur in autism too, but since I have ADHD I'll just say ADHD.)

First of all, let's start with the Ultra Focus. At first it seems just like an ADHD thing, but there's a lot more to it.

Badgerclops describes it as a heightened state where he's so overwhelmed by his own thoughts (or "creative genius", as he so lovingly puts it) that he can't focus on anything else but getting his projects done. To me, it sounded like an extreme form of hyperfixation, combined with the usual racing thoughts that come with ADHD. On top of that, he literally can't remember anything that occurs when he enters Ultra Focus. Short-term memory impairment is extremely common in people with ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. For example, there's been a few times I've drawn/written something down and have no idea that I did it the next day, and if you asked me what I did 2-3 days ago I definitely wouldn't be able to give you an accurate answer. This is especially true if I did something at night or really early in the morning - which is around the time Badgerclops' Ultra Focus kicks in.

About that last fact, you ever notice how Badgerclops randomly falls asleep at times? Since his Ultra Focus kicks in late at night or early in the morning, he might also have ADHD-induced insomnia, and his constant working on the projects is why he seems so lazy and tired during the day. I know for one I'm a night owl due to my ADHD.

Back on track. After telling all this to Mao Mao and Adorabat, Badgerclops says something important to the plot: "It's not my fault, and I don't think I should be criticized." From The Truth Stinks we already know about Badgerclops' sensitivity to personal criticism (known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in ADHD), so it doesn't seem out of place. But as the episode progresses, he says that sentence and "Don’t criticize me!" over and over, growing increasingly desperate and frustrated each time he says it. If he can't remember it, it's not his fault, right? But why can't Mao Mao seem to understand?

Now onto the plot. All his inventions (sans the titular Badge-A-Fire Explosion) flood into town and cause a scene, so Mao Mao proceeds to insult them, calling them useless and weird. Eventually Badgerclops can't take it anymore and tries to snap back but fails miserably ("Are all of your inventions this weird?!" "YOU'RE WEIRD!"), then takes off in the opposite direction (after tripping over one of his own inventions first). Mao calling him a creep a couple seconds later certainly doesn't help.

When Mao Mao and Adorabat find Badgerclops again he's hiding in a dark alley with his legs drawn up, repeatedly trying to convince himself that it's not his fault, it's the Ultra Focus. Mao Mao proceeds to chew Badgerclops out for leaving, saying his projects "cause nothing but chaos" and asks why he would even make "those things" or think they're useful. Instead of yelling back at him, Badgerclops clutches at his head and starts trembling, gritting his teeth. From the position he's in and the intense background music, it seems like he's having a meltdown. Badgerclops eventually loses his composure and shouts "I SAID TO STOP CRITICIZING ME!" in a distressed tone, then starts bawling loudly into his arms. Upon realizing he's been a bit too harsh, Mao Mao goes to pat Badgerclops on the shoulder as a show of comfort - only for Badgerclops to promptly slap his arm away while screaming "NO!" in an incredibly pained voice. This seems unusual for Badgerclops as he is a very touchy-feely guy, but when someone is having a meltdown touching them may make it worse, even if they're normally very affectionate. I know from personal experience as I am a very affectionate person, but when I’m overstimulated I hate being touched against my will. I will come back to this scene later in this post, but for a brief second I'll step away from Badge-A-Fire to reference a scene in Boba-Chan I feel is relevant:

When Badgerclops goes to retrieve Mao Mao's shuriken from the tree, he accidentally yanks too hard, causing it to split in half. He lies to Mao Mao that "someone took (his) pointy thing and replaced it with a broken one!", which leads Mao Mao to say "Not again! Hold on, I'm coming!", presumably to attack whoever took his shuriken. Immediately Badgerclops' whole disposition changes - he starts sweating and whimpering, trying desperately to put the shuriken back together in a panic. I hypothesized he might have grown up in an abusive environment, where his parents constantly got onto him for breaking things, so Mao Mao's reaction might've triggered him.

Now back to Badge-A-Fire. Adorabat's timer buzzes and the trio finds themselves cornered by a giant mecha identical to Mecha Hossoraffasnakearang, which knocks them out and traps them inside a water ride designed by Badgerclops himself, seemingly a death trap. Mao Mao asks Badgerclops why he never told him about the Ultra Focus, and Badgerclops confesses:

As a child, he loved to come up with his own silly inventions. However, his parents constantly criticized and rejected his ideas, forcing him to fit into their mold. Their idea of normal. This is represented by a figure tearing young Badgerclops' drawing in half, then handing him a set of blueprints along with a toolbox. (Why his parents would give him a tool kit at like 5, I have no idea.) From this we can infer that Badgerclops was emotionally abused and neglected by his parents, which understandably would make him scared to share his ideas and thoughts with other people out of fear of rejection or criticism. On top of that, he was also bullied relentlessly by the other kids at his school, which would serve to amplify that fear. From personal experience, I was picked on by members of my family and some kids at school for my interests when I was younger (actually, my family still relentlessly picks on me for my interests as an adult) so I became a lot more secretive regarding my interests and would only indulge in them when I thought no one was paying attention.

He further explains that due to his fear of sharing his ideas, he repressed them so far into his mind that he would lose control of his own body and be compelled to act on his ideas - the origins of the Ultra Focus. This means Ultra Focus isn't just an extreme form of hyperfixation - it's probably a trauma reaction, one that Badgerclops probably had no method of coping with until he met Mao Mao. I have a feeling this is also why he giggles a lot when he's in Ultra Focus - since he was a child when it came to be, he'll probably act like a child.

I also bet this is why he reacted the way he did when Mao Mao chewed him out over his inventions - Mao Mao could've accidentally triggered him into having an emotional flashback to his parents criticizing his inventions, which is why he sounds so pained and didn't want Mao Mao to touch him. It could definitively be why he reacted negatively to Mao Mao insulting his inventions and blaming him in the first place.

Mao Mao & Adorabat console Badgerclops by confirming they actually liked his inventions, and he's so overwhelmed with joy he flat-out states he loves them. Abruptly, a cannon descends from the ceiling, presumably to kill them. Mao Mao wipes away Badgerclops' tears yet again and the trio hug, with Badgerclops saying his seemingly last words: "I'm finally around people who love and understand me...", which I feel speaks volumes about his life before meeting Mao Mao.

Fortunately the cannon was actually a cleverly designed camera and the ride wasn't a death trap at all, but actually a show of Badgerclops' appreciation towards Mao Mao & Adorabat (although he couldn't remember it). Mao Mao & Adorabat love it (okay Mao doesn't LOVE it since he gets splashed, but he liked it) and Badgerclops decides to fully embrace his creativity rather than repressing it, shown by him stating "I am a creative genius." in a happy tone instead of a serious one. At the end of the episode, Mao makes Badgerclops promise to never hide his creativity, which will probably help alleviate his Ultra Focus. I hope that in Season Two we'll see him get some sort of help - maybe therapy with Ol' Blue?

TL;DR: In Badge-A-Fire Explosion, BC is alluded to having ADHD or something similar (Manifesting in him hyperfixating on his inventions, having a poor memory, and reacting to his inventions being insulted as a personal attack) and PTSD caused by being emotionally abused by his parents (Manifesting in him becoming sensitive to being insulted/yelled at regarding his inventions [a potential trigger] as well as repressing his own thoughts and memories), both of which I think contributed to his Ultra Focus. Also everyone in this got damn family needs therapy.

Edit: I re-uploaded this onto Amino, with clips this time!!

For young men (Part 1)

In my latest lockdown induced depressive episode I have been meeting some new people online. They are all young, male, mostly heterosexual, very nice and extremely considerate. However, they also are often afraid becoming a burden, insecure in their appearance or social skills, and often struggling with mental health. Given this, they are also usually extremely afraid of never finding themselves having sex or getting into a meaningful relationship in the late stage neoliberal capitalist dystopia we find ourselves in. To be honest I didn’t understand them at first, especially their obsession with sex. But the more I am thinking about it, the more I realize that we are united in the same dynamic of seeing sex or love as magic verfication of... What?

Growing up, I used hookups as a way to prove to myself that I am worth something. I thought that my value was defined by men’s desire. I originally in writing this wanted to show my perspective from the other side of the same coin, but after realizing how much of an undertaking that would be, I decided to start with the two most common answers from men used as justification to why they think they won’t get laid. These are things I find will help these kinds of people out, but as a great thinker once said...

“I can’t mom you through this one, boys. You are on your own.” - Contrapoints

(I link songs I like through out btw, the underlined text are links you can click on)

Foreword: Social factors

The average age of first intercourse has been rising in the US. Teenagers have less sex than ever before. These changes will affect you. In teen movies and shows charakters often experiment with sexuality before the age of 18. Everything else is played as an abnormality. If we compare ourselves to this misrepresentation of teenage sexuality, of course we seem like the losers.

“The proportion of young people who have had sexual intercourse increases rapidly as they age through adolescence”. It’s very likely, at least from my view, that you are just going to grow out of the awkward zone of wanting intimacy but not getting it. Just like you grew out of other things, such as bad musical taste or that one gaudy outfit. Don’t stress over this one specifically either.

Adolescence is weird for all of us. Even if your first encounter is after college, let’s be real here: having such a good thing in your own place without your parents looming or having to share your room with a roommate you barely know is so much better anyway.

The Ugly fuck too

A common answer to my question why they think that they will never have sex is that they are “unattractive”. The implication being, that sex is the prize for looking a certain way.

But is it? We are so used to the perfect, porn-ready bodies in the media that we forget that the Ugly fuck too. We never see the foldes of fat and skin, never see acne warriors or moles, never see people who actually look like us.

In the movie “The Parasite”, there is a scene where the husband of Gook Moon-gwang, the former housekeeper, is implied to have sex. (the clip, starts at 3:00) It gave me weird feelings of discomfort, as the illusion so stereotypically found on the silver screen was not present. These two characters are not pretty. They look old. She is fat and he is a balding skeleton. They are not special, and that’s okay.

Being fuckable does not equal beauty. Being fuckable does not equal beauty. It was a terrifying thought initially for someone like me who defined their value over beauty & their beauty as being fuckable. It might also be a scary thought for someone who doesn’t think that they deserve love and intimacy because of their looks. I promise you that you still deserve love! Sex did not cure my problems with my appearance, or the fact that I based my self-esteem on the way I look. It will not make you feel normal. It will not make you feel better, prove your worth or even give you more self esteem in the long term beyond the initial rush of dopamine. It is not a caravan to fulfillment.

Beauty is a concept that is based on exclusion. Allow yourself to feel the pain of being excluded, of not reaching the impossible beauty standards and the disadvantages that come with it. Allow yourself to feel the fear of not being “man enough” and be happy in spite of it.

“Patriarchal masculinity teaches us to control our pain, but it can block us from experiencing the grief that is part of a full life. Chasing pleasure and controlling pain is patriarchal. Opening ourselves up to joy and grief is to be fully human.”

”Those of us in that skinny nerd category are especially prone to thinking that we aren’t “man enough.” [..] But the more I talked to men, the more convinced I became that almost all men at some point in their lives don’t feel man enough. Even the men I thought were the “real men” were scared.

That’s not surprising. Masculinity in patriarchy—that is, masculinity in a system of institutionalized male dominance—trains men to be competitive, in pursuit of conquest, which leads to routine confrontation, with the goal of always being in control of oneself and others. But no matter how intensely competitive one is, no matter how complete the conquest, no matter how many successful confrontations, and no matter how much one stays in control—men are haunted by the fear that they aren’t man enough, that they can never stop proving their masculinity.” - Robert Jensen

Stop comparing your appearance to other men’s. Start talking and bonding with them over your undoubtably shared insecurities rooted in society’s relentless toxic masculinity. Unlearning the things you’ve been indoctrinated into since conception is damn hard. I am still in the middle of it personally, but I promise you it is worth it. It will improve not only your relationships with other men, but also with yourself and that one girl you’re pining after.

There are a ton of resources targeted at women about self acceptance, but not many for men. Robert Jenson comes from a tradition of critical men’s groups. Even though I don’t agree with him on everything, he manages to scare most men (especially the kind I mentioned in the first paragraph) to their core, but also improves their lives drastically with his kindness and radical ideas. I implore you to look him up, and try your best to keep an open mind.

“A person who functions normally in a sick society is themselve sick.”

The other most common answer  to the initial question was “being socially maladjusted”, implying that sex is something you earn by behaving a certain way. It is ingrained in the way we talk about love. “Deserving love” is the best example. Neither love nor sex is a product of work. Love and intimacy are a lot like sleep. It is a slow but unconscious process. You slowly work into it, with no idea of what comes next, and then, after an agonizingly long moment, you’re there. The fall is not often expected or easy, is always exhilarating, but never the product of conformity to anything except comfort with who you are.

I do acknowledge that social settings can be weird, existentially unsettling, and full of unseen complexities. This is especially true if you are neurodivergent and / or struggling with mental health.  Being neurodivergent or struggling with mental health goes against the impossible, hegemonically masculine standard of always being in controll. It’s a common cause behind feelings of emasculation. Disregard that feeling, and remember that you deserve love, no matter how manly you are or are not, no matter how you behave.

Learning social settings are lot like learning to skate. In the beginning you will be covered in bruises, but with enough effort, you will be better at it. The chance of mistakes will get lower, but never zero. You will always have awkward situations, but that doesn’t mean that you are bad at them. It just means that you have room to improve still. Maybe consider getting lessons or joining a skate crew.

We tend to hyperfocus on the accidents. Think about how many nice conversations you had over the internet, text or otherwise. I ask you to value them. Value these positive experiences, value your friendships and acquaintances, value the people supporting you, online and offline. We tend to hyperfocus on meaningfull longterm friendships, just like we hyperfocus on love. Value your social enviroment, value someone who just made you feel ok for a moment. You are socially adapted, because you have a social enviroment you feel comfortable in, where you have relationships with people. The depth of a relationship is not messured by time, nor by physical touch. Being mindful of your feelings for the people around you can make you realize that you are less alone than you thought.

Some Tips

If you want to make friends additionally to that, here are some tips from someone, who is bad at social clues:

Join a group with a common interest or struggle: Book clubs, activist groups, selfhelp groups, they are great settings to meet new people and you already have a topic to talk about :)

If you feel save about it: Being open about your issues can help other people adapt to you and understand you better - especially in early on in relationships.

People sitting at the bar or smoking outside are generally more open for conversation

Don’t be afraid of getting rejected: They don’t reject you, when they reject a conversation with you. The reasons people don’t want to talk to you is very diverse. Stay respectful and polite.

Don’t expect to much: No one owes you a long conversation. A smalltalk is perfectly fine.

Learn to make compliments casually and learn to compliments that aren’t based on appearance.

Find a common ground (politically, a interest ect.) and talk about it

Take a improv class, seriously TAKE A IMPROV CLASS! (there are online ones, and sometimes it’s even free)

Here are some youtube videos by Anna Akana with more tips. (1) conversations, (2) how to be a better friend, (3) overthinking

Here are is a piece about being bad at relationship I liked.

Footnote: Trophies and muses

“We do not want to do the work of helping you to believe in your humanity. We cannot do it anymore. We have always tried. We have been repaid with systematic exploitation and systematic abuse. You are going to have to do this yourselves from now on and you know it.” - Andrea Dowkin

Behind the whole obsession with sex is often a distorted perception of women. Just remind yourself that women are human? Access to female bodies is not a human right. We are not trophies to push your ego. We are not there to inspire you or heal you. We are humans with agency. We desire love and being loved, just like everyone else.

I am tired, but I believe in your humanity...

xoxo,

aestheticritique

Survey #284

“mama, we’re all full of lies / mama, we’re meant for the flies”

When was the last time you changed a lightbulb? About a month or so back I had to change Venus’ heat lamp. Who was the last person you sent an e-mail to? I emailed my older sister the OneDrive link to her holiday pictures I did. When was the last time you visited the dentist? What about the optician? It’s been quite a few months since I went to the dentist for a normal cleaning. I haven’t seen an eye doctor in around a year or so because it’s a less pressing matter, and we can’t afford to buy me new glasses anyway. I desperately need them. Do you sleep on your side, your back or your front? My side, stomach, or like a contortion of both. Would you rather drive or be the passenger? Let me be shotgun controlling the music and I’m set for a long ride. When was the last time you received a handwritten letter? Sara sent me one I think two years ago for my birthday. If you have pets, do you buy them gifts for Christmas or their birthdays? Ha, yes. We don’t know either’s exact birthday though, so we don’t really “celebrate” those. Do you know how to ride a bike? How about ride a skateboard? A bike, yeah. I don’t know how to skateboard, though. Did you get enough sleep last night? How much sleep is enough sleep for you? No. I don’t even know what “enough sleep” is. I’m always tired. What are your favourite condiments? Do you use those often? Ketchup and honey mustard probably top the list, considering they’re the ones I use most. Peanut butter: crunchy or smooth? Do you have a favorite brand? I trust no one who can enjoy crunchy peanut butter. I like Skippy quite a bit. Do you have any life-threatening allergies? No. Have you had to take a COVID test yet? Was it positive or negative? I haven’t needed to take one. Do you think it’s okay to keep cats indoors for their entire lives? They SHOULD be. Cats are very destructive and disruptive predators of once-stable environments. They fuck up the food chain and have done a lot of damage to native populations. This is coming from a person whose house was an absolute NEST for cats to the point they were taken away. They lived outside, and I can only imagine the harm they really caused. Of course, as a kid, I didn’t understand this, but as an educated and experienced adult when it comes to this subject, it’s saddening to look back on. Please, keep your cats inside. AND FIXED. Hence our cat empire lmao. Do you think people should need a license in order to keep animals, just to make sure they knew how to properly take care of them? That would actually be LOVELY. If only. Not that it would entirely prevent illegal ownership, but I like to think most people are law-abiding citizens… Which meal of the day is your favorite? What’s your favorite thing to eat for that meal? BREAKFAST! Cinnamon rolls just gotta top the list. When was the last time you bounced on a trampoline? Would you ever want to go to one of those indoor trampoline parks? It has to have been so, so many years. My knees could NEVER take that now. I’m not interested in that. What’s your favorite thing to put on a baked potato? Butter, American cheese, and bacon bits… yum. Have you ever made money selling stuff online? What was it you were selling? I don’t think so, at least not successfully. Do you have a valid passport? When was the last time you used it? No. What was the last song you sung along to? I’m unsure. I rarely sing along to songs. What was the last piece of fruit you ate? What about the last vegetable? Fruit: apple. Vegetable: ummm I’m actually unsure. Probably broccoli. Have you ever lied to the police or a customs official? Were you ever found out? No. Are you much of a procrastinator, or would you rather get things out of the way so you can relax? I am a HEAVY procrastinator. When was the last time you took an exam of any kind? I don’t know. Probably not since I was in school. What snacks/drinks from your childhood do you wish they still made? Ah man, I know there’s some… just too many to dig through to try and remember. Are you a fan of techno? Yeah, sometimes. Who's your favorite horror movie villain/monster? I don’t particularly like one over the other. What's an 'obsession' of yours that most people would find odd or amusing? Probably how much I love Mark, given that being a “fangirl” is usually seen as juvenile. What's the sweetest thing another person has said or done for you? Probably Colleen letting me live with her while I was homeless for a month or two. Said to me, actually from Colleen’s sister; I was having a crying episode over Jason and she just grabbed my head and told me with such passion that I was so beautiful, strong, and deserved the world. Safe to say I started crying more lmao but at least it wasn’t from sadness. What's the absolute best feeling in the world? Being in love. Does the person you have feelings for know you feel that way? Yeah. Do you like Tim Burton? Um, duh. How do you feel about hypnotism? I don’t believe it works. It’s just the power of suggestion. How do you feel about Pink Floyd? I’m not a big fan, but I like some songs. What’s your preferred way of keeping fit? Is it something you make time to do on a regular basis? You assume I AM fit… but I really am trying to change that with WiiFit again, once the living room is cleaned up. I plan to insert it into my morning routine. Have you ever raised a puppy? Would you want to or would you prefer to adopt an adult rescued dog? Yes, Teddy. Right now I don’t want another dog, but hypothetically, I’d absolutely go for an adult rescue. Who was the last person to come to your house? Were they an expected visitor? My younger sister. Yes. If you work, is your job the same everyday, or does it vary depending on what you have on? N/A Would you ever be interested in owning your own business? Why or why not? Well, I want to be a freelance photographer, so… It’s not off the ground enough for me to *officially* call it a business, but while it’s absolutely so exciting to picture, it’s also very anxiety-inducing, the idea of it (hopefully) getting to that point since I’m dumb as fuck in regards to business stuff. Do you have your driver’s license? If so, did you find it easy or difficult to learn and pass your test? Ugh, I don’t. I need it so badly, I know, but right now, I couldn’t even if I wanted to because my vision is too bad to possibly pass that part, and I can’t afford to see an eye doctor + get a new prescription. If you have pets, how often do you buy them new treats and toys? Venus is a snake, so… yeah, lol. She needs a bigger terrarium, though, but a 40 gallon is expensive. Roman gets a new toy every now and then, but he doesn’t play with them as much anymore. If you had to work a job that required you to do shifts, would you rather work the early, late or night shift? Early. Get it over with. Do you have a favorite type of survey to take? Yeah; I like the ones that make me think or are just questions I definitely haven’t seen before but are also interesting. Some random questions are way too specific to apply to most people. On a typical day, how long do you spend out of the house? Even before the pandemic, usually zero time. Do you live in a close-kit community? Well we’re the new family on the block, so it’s hard to tell quite yet. People were welcoming, though. Do you have a vlog? NOOOOOOOOOO. If not, have you ever considered starting a vlog? No, I would feel WAY too fuckin awkward. Did you go to AM or PM kindergarten? AM. What are your favorite YouTube channels to watch? The whole world knows Markiplier is my true favorite channel, but lately I’ve really been digging pet (particularly reptile or tarantula) channels, Snake Discovery in specific. I’ve been bingeing the fuck outta them. I’ve officially become the “I know more than you” Petco meme lmao. Which relative(s) do you look the most like? Idk. Have you ever watched a live birth video? FUCK no. I never would. That could be so fucking scarring to middle school kids, for Christ’s sake. I’ve never understood why they show them in a lot of health classes. Have you ever given birth? Fuck to the no; never plan to, either. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Nah. Have you ever worn overalls? Ugh, as a kid. They’re so hideous to me now. If you’re a girl, how old were you when you started your period? I was in the 6th grade, so 11-12. Is your mom mentally stable? I mean she has depression, but otherwise, yeah. What color hair did your first crush have? I can’t really remember who my first crush was with certainty… but I think I might. If I’m right, blond. What was the name of your first crush? ^ in minds, I think Aaron. Did you ever play on Mamamedia.com? Doesn’t ring a bell. Do you remember your first email address? Haha, yeah, it’s still my current one… Did you name your Lego characters? I was more of a Lincoln Logs kid. Do you take medication for anxiety or depression? Both. If so, does it work? Does it help you? Or does it make you feel worse? I’d probably be dead without at least my mood stabilizers. Have you ever had a bag stolen? I don’t believe so. Who was your best friend in high school? Hannia. What book or movie gave you nightmares as a child? Ha, no books or movies, I think, but remember King Ramses from that episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog? Oh, trust me, I HAD NIGHTMARES. What song makes you cry? The most, probably “Eternally Yours” by Motionless In White. I physically cannot listen to it. Does anyone know who your first crush was besides you? Maybe Mom? Idk. How many teachers have you had crushes on? None. Did you make your Barbie dolls get crushes on each other? I actually don’t remember? I don’t think we had any male Barbies, and of course as a little kid raised in the South especially, I didn’t even realize homosexuality was a thing, so we never considered the girls dating. Did your Barbie dolls go on dates? ^ How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. Do you have scars from self-harm? No, they’re long faded and were thankfully never very severe. Did your hair change at all when you went through puberty? Yep, it gradually turned brown. Are you taller, shorter, or the same height as your mom? We’re the same height. Would you ever consider adopting a child? I don’t want kids, period. The only possible case I see is being a stepmom, but even then I can’t visualize me being one to an actual kid-kid. Just like, maybe a mid-teen and above. Do you trim your own hair? No. What are all the things you remember being for Halloween? I’m very surprised that I don’t remember many at all. I know I was a witch multiple times. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? I adored almost every pet my family has ever had. Our first was a stray cat named Chance we took in. INCREDIBLE animal. What color was your nursery? I have zero clue. Do you exercise regularly? Ugh, no, but I genuinely plan on changing that once the living room is cleaned up and Mom moves into her room. I’m very serious about starting Wii Fit again. I WAS gonna start walking once we moved here, but I found I was too scared to alone. I’m way too paranoid. Do you have a healthy BMI? lol What photo editing software do you use? Lightroom, Photoshop, and very rarely PhotoScape if I’m being lazy with watermarking my photography. Do you live somewhere with lots of livestock or wild animals? Livestock, yeah. You pass cows all the time around here. If you’re in a more wooded area, you’ll find roadkill kinda frequently, sadly. Would you rather live somewhere rural or urban? Rural. It’s the only thing that sucks about our new home – we’re in the suburbs. Is there anything (a hobby, for example) that’s guaranteed to always make you feel better when you’ve had a bad day? Not 100%, really. If the day was truly awful, sometimes nothing helps. If you’re struggling with your mental health, who are you most likely to open up to, or would you bottle it up instead? I vent to my mom the most. What room of your house do you spend the most time in? Is this through choice or necessity? My room, and it’s by choice. The second room that I wanna make my “office” is still LOADED with stuff from moving. If you could design your own garden, what would you have in it? Do you think that dream is ever going to be achievable for you? I don’t want a garden. Does it take you a long time to fall asleep at night? What do you if you’re really struggling to get to sleep? It can take me very, very long. I dread lying down some nights just because I know I’ll be tossing and turning for a good while. If I’ve tried to sleep for a long time to no avail, I do what you shouldn’t do and get back on the laptop. Do you think it’s cruel when people keep exotic animals as pets? Or do you think it’s okay as long as they have the space, time and money to dedicate to them? This depends on the animal and situation. I do believe some rescue cases are justified for the animal’s survival, but as the question mentions, you need to be able to provide adequately for it to be moral imo. I do NOT support exotic pet ownership for the average person. If you eat meat, is there a particular animal you’d never eat? If you don’t eat meat, what’s the reason for it? I could never eat a “pet” animal, nor an animal hunted mostly for sport. Even in survival cases, I’d have a hard time eating a wild animal.

Han x Leia, ESB, Trip to Bespin, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff

Summary: ESB from Leia's POV. A journey from despair to hope, a blossoming, an opening to vulnerability and love.

Warnings: Deals with some heavy themes, incl. working through trauma, depression, self-harm, attempted sexual assault. Each chapter will be individually warned.

Note: I’m currently in the process of reposting the first nine chapters here in full, since when I first wrote this fic, I only shared links to the chapters on AO3 and FFN. I will try to post at least weekly. In the meantime, if you’d prefer to binge-read it, the entire fic is posted in full on AO3 and FFN.

Part: Masterlist | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | Epilogue

~~~

Soft, blue light bathed the cockpit of the Falcon in an eerie glow. It flickered on and off with a distinctive click.

Nothing. There’s nothing.

Leia had known what she would find as soon as she sat down in front of the astrogation display; she had scanned the nearby solar systems for alternate destinations three times today already. But something kept propelling her to look again.

Threepio had woken up from his self-induced sleep earlier that day, relaying the Falcon’s message that they had just entered the gravitational influence of Bespin’s star. 

They had one more day.

The dream had come back every night, relentless. Han knew when it happened now. She’d wake up panting in fear and curl herself into him, and he’d wrap an arm around her and kiss her forehead, whispering that it wasn’t real.

But it felt so real, and Leia couldn’t convince herself it wasn’t, no matter what the rational side of her brain told her. Dread filled her when she thought of Bespin now. Surely there was some way to change their course; avoid whatever disaster was ahead. Surely there was somewhere else that they could go.

There wasn’t, and their supplies wouldn’t last them long enough to get anywhere else, now, even if there had been.

But she still checked anyway.

It wasn’t only the dream that had her on edge. The closer they crept towards the gas giant and its supposed refuge in the clouds, the more she became aware that no matter what, her time with Han was running short.

Soon, he’d be gone. Would what had grown between them be gone, too?

For a long time after the astrogation display was turned off, she sat in the cockpit, staring motionlessly at the twisting tunnel of light outside.

*****

“Leia?”

She sat up straight, startled out of her thoughts.

“There you are. You gonna come eat with Chewie n’ me?”

She slumped again. “Go ahead. I’ll be there soon.”

Truth was, she wasn’t hungry, and she didn’t feel like socializing. She didn’t feel like sitting here accomplishing nothing, either, but her universe wasn’t exactly teeming with choices right now.

Han’s consternation was so loud that she didn’t have to see his face to know it was there. “You okay?” he asked.

“I’m just….” She grimaced, giving up on trying to find the words. “I’m not hungry.”

“Still thinking about that dream, aren’t you?” He came up behind her and began rubbing her shoulders. “I think you just need to chill out. Worrying about it won’t help anything.”

Leia whirled on him. “You think I just need to chill out? Well, why didn’t you tell me before? That would have fixed everything!”

He winced. “Leia, I—”

“No matter what, things are going to change after we get there, and I can’t do a damn thing about it.” Her voice was cold. “Of course I’m worried.”

Han opened his mouth to retort, but then his eyes softened and he seemed to think better of it. “Sorry, sweetheart. That was a dumb thing to say.”

Leia’s shoulders sagged, deflated from the fight that hadn’t come. For a moment they stood there looking at each other awkwardly. Then Han held out his arms as if they were a peace offering. With a sudden rush of need she stepped into them, feeling the comfort of those arms wrapping around her, stroking her hair, massaging her back. She willed away the sudden tears that loomed like storm clouds. Right now, she was afraid that if she let the rain come, it would never stop.

Han kissed the top of her head. “We’ll figure it out together,” he murmured. Leia closed her eyes and tried to believe that everything would be all right.

*****

Han put on some music again after dinner. It was jovial and upbeat, unlike Leia’s mood. She watched, amusement slowly beginning to thread through her worry, as he and Chewie joined hands and boisterously danced around the main hold. They seemed to have formed a conspiracy to make her laugh. To her surprise, she was starting to think it might actually work.

“Oh dear!” Threepio exclaimed, clearly appalled as the pair clattered into a few of the canisters and tools that had been left on the floor. Finally, with a triumphant roar, Chewie lifted Han and deposited him unceremoniously on the floor by the dejarik table.

“Hey!” said Han, pretending to be affronted.

Ignoring him, Chewie turned to her and gallantly offered her his paw. After a split second’s hesitation, she smiled and took it.

To hell with anxiety anyway.

Chewie led her in the same lively dance. Apparently it was a Wookiee favorite, though he explained he’d toned it down quite a bit so as not to hurt his human companions. «The Rhaggghhwr,» he called it. Leia turned to Han for elucidation, but Threepio beat him to it.

“The Wiggle-Hop,” the droid translated pompously. That did make her laugh.

Chewie swept her across the room. Several times, he tossed her up in the air and caught her—not high enough so as to be alarming or make her lose her balance, but enough to give her a thrill of delight. She found herself laughing even more. By the time he tossed her one last time and set her down—a bit more gently than he had Han, and on the dejarik bench, this time—she was completely out of breath, a grin plastered on her face.

“That…” she panted out between breaths, “was… fabulous.”

Chewbacca gave a little flourish.

“So,” she said wryly, leaning back against the seat cushion, “apparently you’re both dancers, and you never told me. I wonder what other talents you’re hiding?”

The Wookiee folded his arms and gave a little shake of his mane. «On Kashyyyk, I was known for my remarkable singing voice.»

“Trust me,” Han said in a mock whisper, “you do not want to hear it.”

“Come on, Han, can it be any worse than yours?”

“Hey, you haven’t even heard my voice!”

“Then who was singing along to The Bloodstripes earlier?” She grinned.

«Perhaps you were hearing my agghghgra reuughhh!» Chewie declared jovially.

Han extended a pointer finger towards Chewie. “Your ‘tones’ aren’t ‘illustrious,’ pal, not by a long shot.” He turned back to Leia and smirked, putting his hands on his hips. “I suppose your royal-high-and-mightiness can do better? I say we hear and decide for ourselves! Whaddya say, Chewie?”

The Wookiee roared his agreement.

“Okay,” Leia reluctantly conceded, raising an eyebrow. “But only if you two take a turn, as well.”

«Deal!» Chewie trumpeted.

“All right, all right.” Han threw up his hands, though clearly he wasn’t at all upset about this turn of events. “You first, Princess.”

Leia stood up, considering her options. She settled on a song from her childhood; it was simple and lovely, and—as it was a lullaby—easy to sing a cappella.

“Mirrorbright shines the moon,” she began, “its glow as soft as an ember. When the moon is mirrorbright, take this time to remember.”

She closed her eyes as she sang. She thought of her mother’s soft voice lulling her to sleep as a young child, of the Alderaanian constellations shining in through her bedroom window, of the distant tinkling of the south terrace air sculpture floating in on the night breeze. She tried not to think too much about the words themselves, and what they meant now, after… after the end.

“….Mirrorbright shines the moon, as fires die to their embers. Those you loved are with you still—the moon will help you remember.”

She opened her eyes. The room was silent for a moment, then Han and Chewie erupted into applause.

“Kriffin’ hell, Leia. You should sing more often!”

“Why, Mistress Leia, I was not aware that your voice was so sonorous! And what a lovely song!”

«You will put us all to shame, little Princess!»

Leia blushed at their enthusiasm. She had never had much voice training, and she was well aware that there was plenty of room for improvement… but their praise was encouraging. Maybe she should take time to sing more often.

Chewbacca was up next, sharing a ballad from his homeworld. Leia found Wookiee singing to be very interesting, if not entirely enjoyable. The scale was like nothing she’d ever heard, and at times it seemed like he was warbling two or three notes all at once. All the same, she was relieved when it was over. Technically impressive or not, the clashing tones of the ballad made her struggle not to cringe.

Han took the easy way out when it was his turn, choosing to sing along to a Grondorn Muse song. His voice, while even less trained than hers, was low and smooth and generally pleasant. She laughed as he hammed it up for them, plucking at an imaginary instrument. “When it’s just you and the stars, with an old bottle o’ booze, singing those old spacer blues!” he crooned, drawing the last note out with relish. He bowed grandiosely at their applause.

When their laughter and cheers had died down, Threepio piped up. “If I may, I have a song to share as well.” He was already striding to replace Han in the middle of the floor.

Han and Leia exchanged a quick look. Oh great, she thought, but just as quickly she scolded herself. She had wanted to treat Threepio better and include him—to a reasonable extent—in their goings-on, and this seemed as good a time as any to start.

“As you know,” he continued, “I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. One of the languages and cultures I am fortunate enough to be familiar with is that of the Lekhar. Their etiquette prescribes that upon greeting fellow Lekhari, they sing a greeting song, one of which I will sing to you now. I think it is rather delightful.”

With that, the droid launched into song. His voice, while a bit tinny, was quite agreeable, and before long Leia found herself lost in the strange syllables and wistful tune. It was longer than she expected a greeting to be, but she guessed from her own experience with languages that this was probably the formal version, and that the Lekhari had a short version for more everyday occurrences.

“Damn, Goldenrod,” Han said once the droid had finished, “you’re not too bad of a singer yourself. And I gotta admit, that was kind of interesting.”

Leia smiled, pleased at Han’s kindness.

The music didn’t end after Threepio. Han and Chewie took to the floor again to sing along to another old Corellian ballad. Then she and Han tried their hand at a duet, and then all of them, including the droid, joined in belting out a classic by Hyperspaze and the Jump Lanes.

It was unexpected and fun and wonderful. Occasionally, Leia remembered the foreboding creeping at the back of her mind, the incongruity jolting her. She felt vaguely guilty for having a good time.

Later, as she clapped along to another musical number courtesy of the Captain and the Wookiee, she paused, the thought hitting her like a ton of duracrete: she couldn’t be so afraid of losing any of this that she forgot to enjoy it.

Joy drives out fear.

The old Alderaanian proverb echoed in her mind. Her anxiety was never wholly gone, and she knew it would soon return in full force, but laughter, friendship, love—these things helped. She could fight the darkness with delight.

What’s more, she realized, these moments of beauty and happiness would always be real. They’d always be with her in some way, because she had experienced them. Loss could take away so much, that was true, but it couldn’t erase these moments any more than losing her planet had erased the precious memories of her beloved family and world.

I need to have more hope, she thought. Not hope based on unfounded optimism, but hope based on this—that joy and goodness would always be real, no matter what may come.

As she watched Chewie and Han belt out the last tenuous notes of their duet, a strange sense of peace washed over her, mingling with the merriment of the moment. Grabbing hold of it with everything she had, she smiled.

~

~

~

Notes:

"Fight back darkness with delight" is a line from a Tenth Avenue North song, Cathedrals. That line struck me like a revelation a few months ago right before I wrote this, and it caused a shift in my own perspective similar to Leia's in this chapter. As always, I write so much out of my own personal journey, and this is just one of many examples of how I was able to take a lesson I was learning and express it through my writing. I hope it encourages others, too. You can't paint over the pain with joy, but joy—and delights both big and small—can be a mighty weapon in the fight.

Also: A thousand thanks to Claudia Gray for Mirrorbright, the proverb, and for inspiring so many other things in this story <3

Splitting from reality, hallucinations, and other fun stress things

I wanted to share a little something that happened to me a few years ago, and I think this is a pretty good platform to do it on to help people. Hold tight. This one’s a doozy.

About three years ago, I experienced a pretty traumatic death of a friend, and it haunted me until just a year ago. (We could say I had PTSD, but we could also NOT say that so,,, y’know). During this time, I felt really out of it. Not necessarily out of body, but... left of center. Like I was mostly there, 90% at least, but the 10% of me that was running on autopilot felt weird.

 That brings me to my first Strange Stress Symptom: Dissociation

I didn’t have full-blown dissociation most of the time. The only times I did, I don’t remember what happened during them. I only remember “waking up” from them. But the majority of the time, I felt like I was daydreaming. Constantly. It was a strange feeling and I brushed it off as anemia or fatigue. But it never went away. When I realized it was probably a symptom of something deeper, it felt super alienating. On one hand, I wasn’t experiencing the dissociation that my Anxiety-ridden friends felt. On the other, I wasn’t “normal”. In a weird in between, I felt lost. I use “left of center” to describe this semi-automatic feeling for no reason at all except a Witch Doctor told my Indigenous friend her soul was “a little bit to the left”.

You’re not alone if you feel this way, by the way. Mild dissociation can happen in people with anxiety and depression and people who are stressed.

Chapter 2: A world on fire (and related pain)

Weird physical pain was one underlying stress symptom I didn’t expect to find myself struggling with. Chronic, painful migraines that would put me out of commission at work without much of a trigger. I did everything I could: rested, drank water, exercised lightly, ate healthier, avoided chocolate, avoided strong smells. Nothing worked. It wasn’t until I started talking about my stress and this pain in therapy that it actually started getting better.

Psychosomatic pain (or pain that is “made up” in the brain) is not fake pain. It’s real. You just can’t see it. This can also be upset stomach, itchy skin, painful joints, literally anything can be psychosomatic. Your pain isn’t fake. It’s real pain caused by your brain.

3: Reality Isn’t Real And Neither Am I

Hallucinations: not what I was expecting in recovery, but ok go off. I remember distinctly after a very stressful, anxiety-inducing, bad quote-unquote PTSD day, I decided to do yoga to cool off. I dimmed the lights, put on some soft music, and stretched. I noticed my reflection in the mirror and felt convinced it was slightly off. I could see it mimicking my movements, but it looked like it was out of sync. This had been a recurring nightmare for me as a kid, mirrors always creeped me out, but this time felt different. This time I felt sure that thing in the mirror was out to get me.

I don’t remember how I got out of that episode. I don’t think it lasted more than that night. It freaked me out for the rest of the week, but no more hallucinations that I could tell. It was a mild hallucination, but it was caused by stress.

That’s not something we talk about. The darker symptoms of stress. You don’t need to have schizophrenia to have a hallucination. It happens to people when they’re stressed. You’re not crazy. There are things we can’t control, but stress management can be learned. Therapy, yoga (not in the dark, though), exercise, talking to friends, baking, painting, learning are all things you can do when you feel overwhelmed with stress. They help you before you get to the point I did. And if you’re where I was at, Therapy helped the most for me. And meds. But mostly self-acceptance and learning to be kind to myself and others.

Monthly Movies #3: August 2019

Ít’s that time of the month again! Time to look back on all of the movies/specials I watched in August! 

Missing Link (2019): By the Ancients, this movie came out in 2019? It feels like years ago to me somehow. Maybe it’s because of weird sudden influx of Sasquatch/Yeti movies recently. I don’t know. Anyways, this movie was kinda okay? I enjoyed it fine. The animation was breathtaking obviously and Susan was a nice character. The main character is a bit of a problem for me because he’s such an unlikable and selfish jerk throughout a lot of the movie that his redemption kind of feels too late. There’s also some possible transphobic subtext in this movie I’ve noticed (and seen others notice, too) with how everyone keeps “deadnaming” Susan.

Coco (2017): What even can I say about this film that hasn’t already been said? It’s gorgeous, has amazing characters, a true heart to it, memorable songs, a twist villain that actually kind of works, wonderful world-building for the Land of the Dead... I just love this movie and it’s up there with some of my favorites of Pixar.

The Lion Guard: The Rise of Scar (2017): I remember so little of this. Like, I really like this show, but I just for the life of me cannot recall what happened in this special of The Lion Guard. I know Scar returns but, really, that’s it? I didn’t enjoy this special too much, that’s what I do recall, since I only gave it two out of five stars.

Savva: Heart of the Warrior/Hero Quest/A Warrior’s Tail (2015): Yes, this movie really has three titles. It’s a chaotic mess of a film, mostly in tone and character designs. I felt like it did have a good idea somewhere deep down inside this. The world and world-building isn’t too horrible and could actually be interesting with more fine-tuning and some rewrites. The character designs were also promising, and some of them were definitely good (the wolves, the Rickies, Savva, the dragon). Even the main message wasn’t too horrible. But the rest... not so much. The main villain, a three-headed ape, is simply comic relief and not really a threat. The comic relief was just over the top and all over the place in this film. It’s just a tone-deaf mess. Don’t even bother watching it for the wolf designs like I did.

The Croods (2013): I remember really hating this movie when I first saw it, but, honestly, I don’t get it anymore. Sure, Dreamworks has done the “overprotective father figure against another character that brings all sorts of new ideas with them”-trope before with Over the Hedge, but it felt new enough. The world this family of cavemen live in is nicely colorful and has tons of interesting animals. The characters weren’t anything new, but the rest held up well enough. The animation is good, though I never liked the human character designs in this movie much.

Hoodwinked! (2005): I’m saying what a lot of people have already said. The animation is utter shit, but the humor is so absurd it’s actually kind of hilarious. I laughed out loud quite a bit at this movie. So ultimately I do recommend it, if you can stomach the shitty visuals.

Rocko’s Modern Life: Static Cling (2019): I have like no memory whatsoever of the original show, but this special had a trans arc in it so I obviously needed to see it. I support Rachel Bighead so much. You go, girl. As for the special itself, it was pretty funny and had a good message. Nice animation that looks similar to the screenshots and clips I did see of the original.

Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus (2019): Come on, I had to watch this. It’s got Richard Horvitz in the role of an over the top small villain. As a Kaos fan I cannot pass up the opportunity. Now, for this thing, I also had no idea what the original show was about. I watched it when I was little, unlike Rocko, but never truly liked it or got it (probably was too young). The animation in this one was nice and I liked the voice acting, but the rest just became one big blur for me. It was really hard to keep my attention on this one.

Alpha and Omega: Dino Digs (2016): I present to you, the after-one worst movie I’ve seen all year until now. Funnily enough, the actual worst movie I’ve seen is also an Alpha and Omega sequel, except it’s the fifth. The only reason this one isn’t below Family Vacation is that FV was so unforgivably lazy with everything. It’s just a clip show with some new tidbits of animation added in between. As for Dino Digs, it’s every bit as nonsensical and bizarre as you expect, but not in the good way. The writing is lazy as shit, things just go unexplained forever, the animation horrible, the villains complete jokes and there’s... bird dance numbers. Enough said.

Dark Shadows (2012): It had some fun moments in it. That’s all I can say. The rest is just a blur of a memory by now. It has some vampires and werewolves in it, so that’s nice.

Speckles: The Tarbosaurus (2012): This movie/documentary focuses on a Tarbosaurus named Speckles and his struggles in life. I’ve been recommended this movie several times and, yeah, it was all right. Informative (though I don’t know if the information is still accurate) while also telling a story. Honestly, this movie is pretty depressing considering the amount of death in it. My main point that’s holding it back is the voice acting. The voices just sounded too forced and the acting wasn’t too great. 

The Lion King (2019): Yes bitches I watched it in cinemas twice. I love this movie, I love the hyenas, I really like the visuals and music. The rest I’ve already said in my July Movie Thoughts when I first saw it.

The Angry Birds Movie (2016): It’s just really, really boring. A nice colorful world, but the rest is just such a drag to get through. Props for the animation, but not much else. I will give them credit for at least succeeding to make a movie out of something as small as a mobile game.

The Last Unicorn (1982): This movie is just really pretty to look at. It feels like an old painting come to life. I didn’t find myself caring particularly much about any of the characters, but the animation and visuals were definitely what gives it major points in my book. Just look at this one if you want a nice hand-drawn fantasy movie.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): This is a very good Disney movie. Belle and the Beast are wonderful characters, the animation is nothing short of spectacular, the colors beautiful, the villain genuinely threatening and enjoyable to watch... It’s just one of the better Disney movies if you ask me. It does still have some iffy stuff in it with how the Beast treats Belle at first and I’m actually not a fan of the songs in this one, particularly Be Our Guest. But other than that, this is a definite fave.

The Jungle Book (2016): I re-watched this one to see whether I prefer this one or The Lion King remake, since I both love them very much. I’ve ultimately come to the conclusion that I still like this one better, but The Lion King 2019 is a close second for sure. Beautiful animation on the animals and a remake that actually differs in the right ways from the source material and surpasses it by far. 

Leafie: A Hen into the Wild (2011): A gorgeous movie that should get more recognition. A wonderful mother-son story that will tug on your heartstrings (especially the uncut ending). Perfect backgrounds and amazing animation. My only gripes with it are the completely useless subplot with the rooster and some of the gross-out.

Kayla: A Cry in the Wilderness (1997): Just a nice “kid befriends husky and ends up doing a sled dog race”-movie. I’m pretty sure that’s a genre by now? The simple story of a boy coming to terms with his father’s death and befriending a feral husky named Kayla in the process. Nothing really stood out about it.

Two Brothers (2004): A cute idea for a movie idea about tigers, but I really think they should’ve used less actual animals in it and more animatronics/CGI/greenscreening. It might not have looked as spectacular, but with the real tigers they did use I pick up on a lot of scenes that made me and, looking at the animals’ body language, the animals too, uncomfortable.

My Little Pony: The End of Flutter Valley (1986): This just should’ve been a special of the series instead of ten awkwardly cut episodes that form one movie/special. The way they paced it, especially with this being ten episodes, was just really awkward. This might work for shorter specials (two/three-parters), but not a flat out movie. The animation is average, the villains jokes (seriously, who thought it was a good idea to bring back the annoying as fuck witches from the original?) and the voice acting really grating.

The Lion Guard: Battle of the Pridelands (2019): Nearly forgot to put this one on the list because it doesn’t have a Letterboxd entry yet. But it definitely counts. I really enjoyed this special episode of The Lion Guard, actually. It may not be the strongest series out there, but season 3 definitely was much better than the rest. This special has a lot of what I wanted to see: nice songs, the cast aging up, more explanation as to what exactly Scar and his “mark of evil” are and Janja’s redemption arc. It still has some flaws. When Scar first said “Sisi Ni Sawa” in his threatening speech, it actually felt genuinely fear-inducing. But then he started to sing the rest of the song as he went on and it just became cringe-worthy. Also, as much as I love his character, Janja was too easily forgiven and redeemed. He literally attempted to murder two cubs in season 2. You can’t just suddenly come back from being an attempted child murderer and get forgiven just like that.

Frozen (2013): I don’t get the hate nor love for this movie. It’s nice. That’s it. Good animation and songs, but I don’t connect much to any of the characters. Also, hey, guess what? A twist villain that doesn’t work.

The Lego Ninjago Movie (2017): These Lego movies are just so damn good for whatever reason? While the animation is a bit different in this one (not everything, including elements like water, smoke and fire, is made out of existent Lego pieces anymore), it’s still really good. We also get some breathtakingly realistic cat animation on Meowthra. Lloyd’s arc also felt really heartfelt, and the villain was quite enjoyable.

Equestria Girls: Sunset’s Backstage Pass (2019): Eh, still not a fan of these Equestria Girls specials, sorry. While I thought this one was a tad better than the last few we got, I still do not care much about them. Pinkie was quite obnoxious in this one, which just irked the heck out of me. 

Another month full of movies! See ya’ll in October!

Tracking Kat

Episode 1: Kat is mourning the end of her relationship with Adena. It has been 5 weeks since the breakup in Paris. She's still looking at old pictures of them and posted one. She still hasn't sent Adena's equipment to her, even though Adena has been texting her asking for it. By the end of the episode, she's admitted to (in order) Alex, Patrick, and Jane & Sutton that she is not okay. She is still sad about the end of her relationship. Alex tells her "you're so hard on yourself. You got your heart broken. There's no expiration date on heartbreak. You move on when you're ready to move on and when you *are* ready, you will find someone amazing. Someone who will never leave." Then Patrick is an entitled, invasive dick. She told her girls she wasn't ready for it to be real yet and that's why she hadn't told them... but she broke down in front of them. She'd finally accepted it was over. End of the episode, she makes an instagram post exposing her vulnerability to the world and packs up Adena's things for good.

Episode 2: Kat injects Jane for fertility treatment. She is very familiar with Jane's reproductive system at this point - best friends. She learns the Wild Susan, a club Adena took her to that became a safe space she frequents and which happens to be 1 of only TWO lesbian bars in the city, is closing. She learns the only reason it's happening is because developers want to gentrify the neighborhood. We learn Kat has a lawyer (not sure how that may come up later) that she met through the #BeReal campaign. Anyway, Kat throws a queer prom as a fundraiser to help save the Wild Susan. It ultimately fails because $42,000 in one night from poor people is a bit much. But it was a valiant effort and, as Kat learns, the gentrifiers were well aware of its impossibility. This episode is leading up to her political career. "I've been so into my feelings lately, it feels really good to challenge my energy into something that really matters". I am so proud of Kat. In Season 1, I would have worried she was avoiding her feelings, but the writers made a big deal of showing she's done the exact opposite of that in the prior episode.

Episode 3: Kat has been researching councilman Reynolds and he's a total piece of shit - helping gentrifiers, cutting funding to parks, and voting against paid maternity leave. She's fired up. Our girl is P A S S I O N A T E & informed! We meet the councilwoman for whom she plans to volunteer and her campaign manager, Tia. Tia's a tiny, bubbly boss with natural hair and a bright smile and we see Kat brighten up. We later learn she and Kat have more in common, both being NYU grads (actually overlapping while there) and both brilliant. Tia, however, is not from a wealthy and connected background. In their initial meeting, Kat tells Tia "I'm just looking for something to channel my rage and depression". Kat enlists her besties to help get the councilwoman to unseat problematic Reynolds. Sutton clearly sees something between Kat and Tia because she does a friend's background check (checking the social media) and tells Kat she looks very single to which Kat responds "it really doesn't matter because I'm still getting over Adena" and Jane seems skeptical of Kat's protestations with her silent smirk. We learn Kat has really soft lips. Kat is the voice of reason for Alex, being the first one to acknowledge the hypersexual "dangerous" Black man depiction that will likely be projected onto him if he admits he is the man in his friend's story. Then we see her naturally command the crowd at the rally. Again, I am so proud of Kat. She isn't holding back when she knows she should speak up. She's taking control of her narrative. She's fighting for what's right in a constructive manner. And now Tia, who has way more experience with this than Kat, is recommending she run for office.

Episode 4: We start the episode with Kat describing what would be her district and job description to her best friends. She's looking excited about the potential to do something that matters and really help people. In her conversation with the Toby (?. don't know, don't care), we get to see more of Tia being supportive of Kat and Kat being confronted with whether she's motivated to actually run or just wants someone to beat Reynolds. We learn Kat had an abortion in 2013 when she was 20 AS IS HER GOTDAMN RIGHT BECAUSE IT'S HER BODY, but it's something she's felt some sort of shame/concern over seeing as nobody close to her knew about it. Then, and this is so great, after telling her friends she has the conversation with Tia. Tia shares that she's had one as well and completely understands not wanting it to be public knowledge, but in sharing her experience educates Kat on yet another way vulnerable people are having their rights stripped, this time through manipulation and "crisis centers" that shouldn't exist. Tia remains supportive and doesn't pressure Kat at all with her decision. "I am by your side if they come for you, but you gotta do what's right for you". When we get that great speech from Jacqueline we see Kat being moved my the statement that you'll never know what you're capable of if you don't take a leap faith to face challenges that frighten you, then you'll never know what you're capable of. [i'd like to pause right now to say Jacqueline is fucking wonderful and i love her like my white auntie. also Sutton needed to hear that again just as much as Kat and i really appreciate this entire moment.] When Kat leaves Jacqueline's celebration, she passes by one of those "crisis centers" Tia told her about and decides to use her voice to help others. "I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, empowered, forward-thinking, open-minded woman. But, up until now, I haven't been able to talk about my abortion. If me putting myself out there helps even one woman to feel less alone, less ashamed, and less guilty then it's worth it." And just like us, dear Tia is blown away. She actually exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding and biiiiiiiitch (!!!! excitedly). and then they're dancing! This is the episode, upon rewatch, when i recognize how often Tia touches Kat unnecessarily.

Episode 5: Kat's entire recap includes Tia, ending with Sutton saying "she seems to be very single". Her very first scene, Tia is complimenting her walking out of some campaigning event we later learn was a Town Hall. Can we just talk about Kat's blazer for a second? First of all, i want it. Second, how did they find something so perfectly her? It's colorful but still semi-professional, fun, but still about her business. Heart-eye inducing. ok. So the next time we see Kat, she and Tia (whose last name they finally mention as Clayton) are reviewing campaign platform and doing debate prep at Kat's apartment. Tia's complimenting Kat almost continuously at this point. Clearly she's impressed, borderline gushing. and Kat tries to brush it off. Tia's not letting her. And there's this moment when Tia forces herself to break eye contact with her (around 5:40 of the episode). The show tells us Kat still hasn't dated since Adena, but Sutton brings up the "stupid smile" she gets whenever Tia's mentioned. She's making better decisions than Patrick and her being compared to Patrick is lowkey happening a lot. I'm starting to wonder if they're setting up Kat taking over digital if she doesn't win the campaign. Ok, the song choice as they pan to Kat and Tia... "I never normally check my phone 10 times in a minute. I'm not the girl to be kept on hold 10 miles from the finish." Again, Tia is very touchy with Kat, never anything inappropriate of course, but the hand is always on the back or the arm. and their interaction is just.. lovely. I squeal. it's so cute. they're so comfortable. Kat invites Tia to the dinner BEFORE (i got the timing on that mixed up before) Tia says she's "a boring straight girl" [the test determined that was a LIE... nah, my good sis Tia is dealing with some internalized homophobia which is no joking matter, but we don't learn that until the next episode]. Apparently, Kat can cook now? So she just liked Adena's food better i guess? idk... anyway. I get why some of the things Tia said can be taken as flirting, but i still believe that you accept what someone says is their sexuality until they say otherwise. yes, that's even when they're saying things like "when i see what i want, i go for it" and "Annndd she can cook. it's hot" and looking at you like that. Kat telling Jane to apologize because he's her boss and she got suuuper disrespectful and would absolutely deserve getting fired makes me proud. She's the mature friend now. She's the one with a level head on her shoulders. Kat finally makes her feelings known to Tia, but this is after Tia has already stated she's straight. Tia reiterates that this is a professional relationship and apologizes for Kat getting the wrong idea. I'm reminded of when Alex Danvers told Maggie Sawyer she was into her and she was rejected... but in that example i was floored and heartbroken for Alex because ugh, i just didn't see that coming. With this, however, it felt like Tia was clear in her words even if it shocked the hell out of me what the words were. So i didn't feel heartbroken for Kat. I thought... tbh... she brought it on herself for refusing to respect Tia's "no", however soft it was. But the writers did let us know it wasn't over with the music selection... Kat looking at "You and Tia make a great team :)" as "I'll go to war for you" plays.

Episode 6: All the emails have been released and Kat has no worries at all about that because she's a professional. And we get to see her be a boss addressing the entire group. Patrick isn't there this episode (YAY for our sanity!) and i think Kat being a boss so often when Patrick isn't around is intentional. When we see Tia, she says last night is forgotten but she thinks it's a bad idea to remain Kat's campaign manager... which is clearly a hard rejection. One can argue that it's too harsh for someone merely admitting they were into you. But it's just as easy to argue that it's appropriate after telling someone, very clearly, that you are not into them romantically and them ignoring that and saying that you were flirting with them on this date they never called a date before you were already there?? so i'm not mad at it. At the end of the episode, we find out that Tia was rejecting herself, not Kat. Turns out, Ms. Tia Clayton has known she's attracted to women since she was in high school, but she "didn't want to want it". Tia is so TINY AND ANXIOUS ABOUT HER SEXUALITY AND MANY OF US HAVE BEEN THERE. But... and i say this in jest... for someone who is really trying not to be out in the open with her gay, she sure was comfortable kissing Kat all outdoors for anyone to see. My good sis is smitten. I'm excited for the story. Again with the music during their scenes though... "I cannot fallll in love with youuuuu. I cannot feeeeel this way so soon, so soon." Also, my girlfriend and I have watched the gifset of the kiss over the phone and swooned (we live in different states for now). This episode, we also got the flashbacks (i missed Lauren so much). Kat's got red streaks in her hair, is a friend to strangers, has regrettable sex with men who taste like pickles, and is cute as a button. She also called Jacqueline "Mama Jackie" and that's it; that's her name now.

"i feel like being bitter and listing off all the things that the 90s show changed about the original stories" as a relative newcomer to moomin-related stuff, i'm curious... what *did* the 90s show change??

*rubs hands because I love being insufferable*  

(Minor disclaimer that this is mostly done in good nature. I understand almost every show that is adapted from existing content is gonna change stuff to suit their story-telling needs. But I am annoyed that some who praise the 90s anime think the new series is bad simply for doing things differently when that show, and nearly every one prior to it, has also put their own spin on things.)

There are 24 episodes of Tanoshii Moomin Ikka (plus a movie) based on the books by Tove Jansson, and I think 11 based on the comic strips she wrote. It would take a long time to cover every single detail in every single episode, so I am mainly going to discuss those that have changes I find more significant, disappointing, personally distressing, or just plain baffling.

(A second disclaimer: I have not read any entire comic stories past the point where Tove stopped working on them. There are some episodes based on strips created exclusively by her brother Lars, The Vampire and Artists in Moominvalley being two examples. I will be skipping those, as well as Bouken Nikki episodes, as I have yet to thoroughly watch each one on account of so few being based on Tove’s work and the headaches they induce lmao. Nitpicks from fans who have read Lars’ strips in full are welcome.)

Now without further ado, let the fussing begin~

01 Spring in Moominvalley: This follows the basic storyline from the first two chapters of Finn Family, but with some notable changes. Snufkin at this point woke up from hibernation along with the rest of the family, Little My had yet to be introduced, and Snork - a child like the rest of the main cast - lived with his sister and the rest of the kids in the Moominhouse. The entire subplot of him being an inventor is merely an invention of the anime.

Moomintroll, in the book, spends a lot more time in transformed body. As he believes his friends are playing a new game when they fail to recognize him, he makes up a story about being “The King of California”. He repeatedly pretends to insult Moomin (himself), and in a touching display of devotion his own friends beat him up to defend his honour.

02 The Magic Hat: Continuing on with a scene based on the later half of chapter 2, we see Moomin rescue Snorkmaiden from the Ant Lion, and along with Snufkin, decide to trap him in the magical hat. In the original story however, Moomin and Snork trap the him. This was rather unprovoked, though Moomin cites a moment from a previous book (read all about it in The Moomins and the Great Flood!) where the Ant Lion allegedly kicked sand in Mamma’s eyes. The gang then takes the hat back inside for more “experiments”, and after making a mess, the adults decide it best to dispose of the hat in the river.

Much like in the story, the hat is soon recovered by Moomin and Snufkin, though a chapter where they hide it in a cave and and end up frightening the Muskrat (who uses it as a shelf for his dentures) is absent. It then continues to the scene where Moominhouse is briefly overgrown with plants. Aside from this happening sooner than it did in the book, and the premature appearance of the Hobgoblin, and the missing Mameluke hunt, and the part where all the children play in the jungle, I think it’s pretty true to that chapter!

03 Discovery of a Wrecked Ship:  First off, I wanna say I’m mostly including this episode on my list just to make it clear that Snufkin’s random sexist comments towards Snorkmaiden and Little My are missing from the book. There is a chapter where him and Moomin go ambling up some rocks, but “the girls” are thankfully absent from this scene.

So then they discover an abandoned boat and the rest of the episode is padded with scenes where they repair it. A charming spectacle, I’m sure, but also absent from the book as the boat they find is already in pristine condition. Shame that Snufkin never got to share his idea for the ship’s name, (it was Lurking Wolf aha ha ha) but that might be for the best.

07 The Suitcase: As seen in episode 06, Thingumy and Bob arrived in Moominvalley. They bring with them stolen goods and and the mother of Grimace, who seeks to recover said goods. Snufkin, once again letting everyone down, decides that a gentle female should speak to them about the contents of their suitcase and soon Snorkmaiden is assigned to the task. Instead the book features a trial sequence, which really helps hammer in the metaphor. Everyone takes part and Sniff acts as prosecutor of behalf of the Groke, who appears and is willing to trade the treasure in exchange for the magical top hat (NOT a pretty scallop).

08 The Hobgoblin’s Magic: Moomin hears that his wondrous wooden woman has washed up on the shores of Moominvalley. But when he rushes to the beach, he finds nothing but sand and disappointment waiting for him. This sends him spiraling into a brief yet no less deep depression which is cured only when Thingumy and Bob share their contents of their secret suitcase. The novel was much more reasonable however. He was saddened by the loss of Snufkin who had skipped the valley for the first time, promising (as we all know) to return on the first day of Spring.

And then there is a fabulous summer party thrown by the family after the recovery of Moominmamma’s handbag. This part is true to the story, at the very least. But the party in the book is much more fantastical, with dancing, music (from America of all places), punch served in darling sea shells, and everyone - right down to the tiniest forest critter - is invited, and gets to make a wish when the magic man arrives. 

09 An Invisible Friend / 10 The Invisible Child: I wouldn’t say that these episodes, featuring the famous character from Tales of Moominvalley, have any life-ruining changes from the original story. But since no episode is complete without a bit of drama, or a pointless cameo from Snufkin, a scene where Stinky traps Ninny with the intention of having her assist in his robberies has been written in. And Little My’s comment regarding the aunt in the English dub, where she states “I hope you told her she hurt Ninny’s feelings!” seems uncharacteristically gentle in comparison to her asking if Too-Ticky “bashed her head in”.

13 The Last Dragon on Earth: As mentioned in the entry above, some episodes will include new subplots or elements for the sake of drama and action. This episode is another example of that, but otherwise it has only minor tweaks. Snufkin states that “the cards” have told him he should leave Moominvalley early if he catches x number of such-and-such a fish, but that storyline is exclusive to this show.

14 Our Neighbor is a Touch Teacher: This episode is based on snippets of the comic strip “Moominmamma’s Maid”, but scraps the storyline containing the titular character from the strip, which is nearly all of it. Instead, it is entirely focused on the Moomin’s new neighbor, Mrs Fillyjonk, a strict and uptight mother of three.

After the Moomin’s welcome party leaves Mrs Fillyjonk fearing for her life, she forbids her children from playing with the Moomin brood. They sneak away anyway. A bunch of death defying stunts happen, courtesy of Stinky. Mrs Fillyjonk plans to leave the valley, but the kids have none of that. This is almost an original story, save for the existence of a party.

16 A Close Encounter with Aliens: Once again we have an episode based on the comics. It follows the basic plotline of the Moomins caring for a stranded Martian child.  But a lot of wackiness was cut for time, including invisible Moomins pranking valley residents, a flying fire brigade, and Moomin shrinking down with Mamma, who later bites a Fillyjonk child. Time used for an inserted chase scene with Stinky (one of many across the tv series) feels could’ve been better spent on some of the fun stuff mentioned in my previous sentence.

17 A Change of Air: And yet another comic-based episode, this one taken from “Moomin and Family Life”, which happens to be my personal favourite comic so this analysis may sound bitterer than others. The episode cuts the beginning of the strip, where we see a lonely parent-less Moomin contemplate suicide before being reunited with his long lost Moominmamma and Moominpappa. The comic is a completely different entity from the books and adjustments must be made, so this decision is understandable. But the following choice? Less so.

The episode instead starts with Pappa complaining that nothing exciting ever happens, and I won’t remind him of the events from episode 16 because everyone brings that up. Stinky overhears plans of doing something to entertain him, and during the night makes a set of giant footprints leading to the sea. Whereas in the comic strip, the “giant” prints are innocently left by Snufkin who was wearing boot too big for he gotdamn feet. He nearly perishes for this grave mistake.

Strips where Moominmamma and Moominpappa hang out in a cave, Moomin sheds a few tears tears, and Snufkin offers some half hearted words of comfort provide a basis for following scenes in the episode. But antics with Moomin and friends trying to foil Aunt Jane, who angrily travelled to the Moominhouse after being pranked by Pappa, are sadly missing. 

24 Hurry Up Snufkin: The part where Snufkin meets and later names the forest creature Teetywoo, is based on the short story “The Spring Tune”. There are many potential gripes one can have about such a brief scene.

A lot of the dialogue between the two characters reflects what is said in the short story, but what the episode sorely lacks are Snufkin’s feelings. Gone are his shouts and snaps, his grumpiness about being disturbed, his regret when he lashes out, his desperation to find Teetywoo again. His famous line “I’ll come when it suits me” is “cried violently”, making me wonder how it ever became an inspirational quote (oh wait I know). In favour of portraying Snufkin as cool and chill, the anime sometimes ends up making him look more like an emotionless bump on a log.

The plotline of Snufkin being late to return because he is trying to compose a new song has been cut, on account of either his lack of talent or lack of music budgeting.

25 The Lighthouse / 26 The Day the Lighthouse Lit Up: These episodes actually combine elements of two different stories: the comic strip “Moomin and the Sea”, and the similarly titled novel “Moominpappa at Sea”. Lacking most of the typical shenanigans from the strips, or bleak themes from the book, these episodes feel more like a slightly above-average family outing.

The episodes seems to lean more towards the comic, where Moominpappa takes on the job of lighthouse keeper as inspiration for his writing, and Moomin is terrorised by an equally frightened ghost. Too-Ticky unfortunately is missing from the episodes, alone with the scenes where she shares some spooky suggestions with the spectre, and where Snorkmaiden fakes her own drowning to help Moomin feel brave. 

Borrowing from the books, we meet both the former lighthouse keeper and a little boy named Toft, who apparently got very lost on his way to auditions for a “Moominvalley in November” episode. The episode scraps the element from the book of Moominpappa making the entire family miserable because he has some deluded fantasy about protecting and providing for them on his own, as well as a heart wrenching subplot involving the Groke, which I will not spoil for those considering reading it. But know this: there will be tears. 

28 The Floating Theatre / 29 The Lost Children / 30 Midsummer: This three-parter is based on “Moominsummer Madness”, which is kind of an interesting book. Taking place smack dab in the middle of the series, we see it move away from the more lighthearted tones of the early stories, and begin the shift towards the less fantastical and more serious themes of the later books. But it isn’t quite there yet. And being written around the time Tove still worked on the comic series, some parts of the book would not seem out of place if drawn in her strips.

The most noticeably difference between the original story and anime episodes is the change of the cast. With the number of characters and subplots happening at once in the book, it was inevitable that some unlucky sod would get scrapped from the story - three sods in fact, by the names of Mymble, Misabel, and Whomper. Sniff is inserted into the story, and references to Mr Fillyjonk, the stage manager and Emma’s late husband, are removed. 

Snufkin and My’s subplot is changed and cut quite short, beginning with the element of the two not knowing each other. His assault on the park keeper seems to be done for the sake of rescuing the children more or less imprisoned in the park, but book Snufkin simply took joy in breaking the law. The episode lacks great scenes of him trying to take care of the 24 little children; doing things like making silly noises, threatening to drown himself, and exposing them to second hand smoke. 

With a small handful of characters missing, the plot of the play Moominpappa writes greatly differs from the book. And say goodbye to the ending chapter, where the reunited Moomin family flees the police and gets chased all the way back to Moominvalley. 

45 Moomin Builds a House: This episode is based on the comic of the same title. Although it cuts the story quite short, what is left in is relatively close to the original. Except for the insertion of Snufkin, but I am not offended because that adorable laugh made his appearance worthwhile.

59, 63, 68 Adventures of Moominpappa: And here we get to the episodes based on “The Exploits of Moominpappa”. The first few changes I’d like to point out are a little less notable. As Mrs Fillyjonk was already more established in the show, the Hemulen aunt becomes a Fillyjonk. Edward is a silent character, the Nibling child that Pappa and co look after is absent, and everyone gets real ugly colour palettes. 

Next, as you may know, the original books don’t really follow a solid timeline and canon changes in between stories. So in an attempt to make more sense, the young Mymble that Moomin meets is Little My’s mother, rather than her sister. But strangely, Moominpappa’s other friends are no longer the parents of Sniff and Snufkin. Why those two were still so enraptured by listening to his story is unclear.

Comet in Moominland: Finishing off the list is a movie based on the story of the same name. Being the first in what is considered the “main” book series, there are bound to be differences in how characters are written. But there is no difference here more worth talking about than Snufkin.

As I’ve already mentioned before, he is portrayed in the anime as more relaxed. He is the older and most mature member of Moomin’s group of friends, and tends to be reserved in expressing his emotions. For the sake of presenting Snufkin as a responsible figure, he never teaches the gang his favourite game: rolling boulders down cliffs, an activity which almost results in multiple casualties. We never hear his story about disrespecting a police officer, and his subsequent prison break.

But Snufkin in the earlier books is very much a child like the rest of the main cast. He is playful and talkative, being described as bringing “gaiety” to their adventure, and is always thrilling his friends with epic tales from his travels. He is not shy about expressing himself, he is shown to have some sadness about having no parents and cries his wee heart out upon sees the dried up ocean.

Other changes may seem more innocuous by comparison, snipping a party scene and river raft ride, and including Little My. But with the lack of a noticeable personality for a key character, and some of the action scenes, much of the movie just feels like a boring hike home.

~

In short, yeah. As you can see I’m pretty passionate on this subject, especially when it comes to Snufkin’s characterisation. Anyone who wishes to discourse Moomins with me is welcome.  

RWBY Squiggle Scripts #010: The Beauty of Dance.

miggy97 asked “ I’m starting to think that Oscar’s love for Ruby will be similar to Uraraka’s love for Midoriya: he’ll be in denial of it for a while, but then once he realizes it, he’ll try to conceal those feelings entirely, because he believes it will result in pain for both Ruby and him since he expects to merge with Oz soon

@miggy97  That’s not a bad theory Miggy. I actually have the opposite hunch where it’s Ruby who is the one to slowly realize how she feels around Oscar but would be reluctant in pursuing those feelings knowing Oscar’s fate while combatting with her own reluctance to trust Ozpin again. A lot of fans’ impressions of Ruby Rose is that she isn’t the type to focus on romance and relationships. As always, this squiggle meister has a differing opinion. I actually do think that deep down Ruby wants that romantic life---the fairy tale that’s full of charm. She just hasn’t really been given much of an opportunity where she can express that type of interest, y’know what I’m saying?

This is why I shared this RWBY Remark once upon a time. As I said in my last response, Ruby has never had any romantic suitors. It’s hard to tell how Ruby would truly react in a romantic situation when the series hasn’t really put her in that type of scenario before. The closest thing was the ball back at the Vytal Festival but even then, Ruby’s involvement in that was completely omitted. I feel like when it came to the dance episodes, only her teammates: Weiss, Yang and Blake were given subplots as part of those episodes.

We had Weiss pursuing Neptune as her potential date to the dance. We had Blake be approached by Sun and ended up going with Sun. And while Yang didn’t have a date, she still had her important role of that subplot by helping Blake through overcoming her stress induced insomnia over Torchwick and the two even ended sharing a dance together at the ball as a result of their talk which I think is what sparked folks to start shipping them.

But Ruby. Ruby in the dance episode was more akin to a young child being dragged to a social gathering by their older peers or an adult. And since she’s not used that type of environment, she mostly just spends her night alone in the corner or in the company of her comrades when they’re free enough to come talk to her.

As a matter of fact, that is exactly how it was. Ruby just stood mostly in the corner for most of the dance episode. No one asked her to dance nor did she herself seem interested in joining the festivities. Till this day, that still kind of bums me out. All the more reason why I appreciated Professor Ozpin approaching Ruby and talking to her. I always enjoyed when Oz would approach Ruby with words of wisdom and his advice to her in V2 will always be my favourite moment between them.

I mean, we still didn’t get to see Ruby loosen up and bust a move with anyone or even by herself but…I guess you could say she was a little less apprehensive of the joining the festivities after Oz talked to her. Or so I’d like to think.

All the more reason why I’m looking forward to the Atlas Arc from V7. I feel like Atlas will give us a second opportunity for the heroes to have some well-earned downtime. I am still holding onto the prospect of the heroes reuniting with Team FNKY. Neon invited Yang and Weiss to go partying with her and Flynt back in V2 so I’m hoping the CRWBY didn’t forget that detail and we’ll get an episode of V7 dedicated to the heroes just dressing down and going clubbing in Atlas with Flynt and Neo.

Let FNKY treat RWBY and JNPR to a night out and take our heroes to FNKY town so that they can have some fun with FN!

I want another episode where we get to see our heroes change outfits again. Not just Team RWBY this time but JNPR as well inclusive of Oscar with a nice causal look.

Do you know what could be super cool? What if…Flynt and Neon end up taking RWBY and JNPR to a roller disco club in downtown Atlas or something? With roller-skates being part of Neon’s design, I figured second to raves, she and Flynt must enjoy going rollerblading as well and what better place to combine rollerblading with music and dancing than a roller disco?

If my memory serves correctly, I also remember Neon pointing out that Weiss and Yang should try out rollerblading since it’s super fun. I mean, yeah sure, she was only saying that to partially taunt Yang but…I’m still holding her to that. Rollerblading + Partying = Roller disco.

The CRWBY could even have that as a future episode of V7 and fittingly title it ‘Panic at the Disco’. Boom! C’mon CRWBY! I just would love to see an episode where FNKY invite the heroes out to dancing and rollerblading but while her teammates and friends are having fun, Ruby is rather reluctant about joining them. As a matter of fact, she’s the most abrasive about dancing. Even Oscar is surprisingly eager to join in on the dancing.

By my Pinehead headcanon, Oscar Pine is an astonishingly good dancer and even though he’s never skated in his life, he picks up on it really quickly and makes a positive spectacle of himself wowing everyone on the dance floor with his impressive footwork. He and Neon even share a dance at some point and while this is going on, Ruby just watches on alone in the corner. She’d been pretty reluctant to come onto the dancefloor no matter how many times her friends tried to sway her into it. 

And somehow spotting Oscar laughing while dancing with Neon made her feel even more out of place. So Ruby just retires from the dance floor room just in time for Oscar to spot her leaving. This of course, encourages him to go after the Silver Eyed Girl. I would love for a moment like this to be done in a future episode of RWBY because it’s another golden chance for our Rosebuds to bond. Picture a scene like this:

JNPR and WBY are out on the dance floor with Flynt and Neon having a blast. Meanwhile Ruby is sitting out in the corner watching her friends enjoy themselves without her. At some point, Oscar skates over to join her in the stands after spotting her leaving. 

Oscar: Hey you. *takes a seat next to Ruby* So…I…couldn’t help but…uh…notice you sitting here all by yourself.

Ruby: Yeah well…I…couldn’t help but notice you on the dance floor back there. Didn’t know you were such a great dancer.

Oscar: *bashfully* Thanks but…I wouldn’t exactly call myself a great dancer. My aunt was the real great dancer.

Ruby: Oh? *smirks amusedly* Was she the one who taught you all your moves?

Oscar: Well…not all my moves. *chuckles lightly* But yeah, Aunt Em and I used to dance a lot back on the farm. After my uncle passed away, it… broke her heart and... Em was really, really depressed for a while. She used to say dancing was what brought her and Uncle Henry together so dancing solo just made her feel...lonely.

I actually didn’t like dancing at all at first. Didn’t think it was for me. But I changed my mind soon after I saw how happy it made Em feel to have a dance partner again. I'd never forget the night I told her I wanted to learn how to dance. It's the brightest I saw her smile since my uncle was alive.

Ruby: That's really sweet of you.

Oscar: *bashfully* Hey… it's not that big of a deal. The least I could do after she took me in, right? 

Ruby: Do you miss her a lot? Your Aunt Em?

Oscar: Every day. But Em's always been a tough ole gal who could take care of herself and she taught me to be the same way. But, being here tonight just reminded me of all those times we would just...get together and dance till the cows come home. Makes it feel a bit like home.

Oscar trailed off smiling to himself. But when he noticed Ruby looking at him, he blushed and looked away suddenly feeling embarrassed.

Oscar: *nervously* Ah---sorry if I'm rambling. *clears his throat and laughs awkwardly* I'm surprising chattier tonight.

Ruby: No, no it's ok. It's nice to hear you talk about your family for a change. *smiles at Oscar, resting her hand on his shoulder* I'm glad you're having fun, Oscar.

Oscar returns the small smile but then frowns as he remembered Ruby’s reluctance for the evening.

Oscar: But...you're not, aren’t you?

Ruby: *frowns sadly* No. I'm completely out of my element here. Why'd we have to come to a roller disco of all places? How is dancing going to help us on the battlefield?

Oscar: Well…dancing is actually good for team building. Two or more partners learning to trust each other and move in sync. When you look at it like that, it actually makes dancing the perfect exercise, don’t you think?

Ruby says nothing. She knows Oscar is right in his words however doesn’t admit it. She just continues to pout grumpily while avoiding his eyes. Oscar presses on.

Oscar: Listen Ruby, I know we're huntsmen trying to save the world but there's more to life than just fighting, y'know. We just spent the last couple of weeks fending off villains and Grimm and it's only going to get harder from here. Which is…all the more reason for us to appreciate the smaller, quieter moments like this, right? Who knows when we might get a chance at some actual downtime again? I know it's not your element but...I hope you can still have some fun at least. Maybe we can even dance together.

Finally Ruby looks up at Oscar, her expression incredulous.

Ruby: You mean…you and me? Dancing? You’re asking me to dance?

Oscar: *a little too eagerly* Yes! I---I mean…*blushing slightly* Only if you want to.

Ruby: I…

Ruby bit her lip nervously.

Ruby: *talking softly* ...I…don't know how to dance.

Oscar: What?

Ruby: I don’t know how to dance. I've...never done it before. Well...actually I tried it once. Back at combat school. But I didn’t know what I was doing and I ended up twisting my ankle and falling flat on my face. The guy I was dancing with started laughing at me and then everyone laughed at me. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life and I never danced again after that.

Oscar: Well… that changes everything. Now you're definitely getting up and dance.

Ruby: *shocked* WHAT! Didn’t you hear me? I'm not a dancer! I'll make a fool of myself!

Oscar: *enthusiastically* No you won’t. I can teach you how to dance. Besides if a 14 year old farmhand like me can become a huntsman, you, Ms Rose can definitely dance.

Unfortunately, Oscar’s eagerness is still not enough to sway Ruby who still appears apprehensive. So Oscar tries a different approach. He looks Ruby square in her face with a boldness she has never seen from him before. Oscar then smiled at Ruby, his hazel eyes radiating a genuine kindness and sincerity that left Ruby strangely fixated.

Oscar: Hey, you’ve helped me out so many times during our battles. Let me return the favour this time. All I’m asking is that you trust me. Please?

Oscar then extends his hand in a gesture for Ruby to accept his proposal. For a moment, Ruby just stares blankly at Oscar’s outstretched hand. She’s still very much reluctant but when he eyes returned to meet Oscar’s face still radiating that kind willingness, alas, the red rose conceded.

Slowly, Ruby accepts Oscar’s hand and he cups it gently as he slowly began to lead her onto the vibrant dancefloor with its multi-coloured lights and blaring music. To further prove that he was willing to accommodate for Ruby’s anxiety, Oscar moved extra slowly as he helped Ruby onto the floor, careful not to pull her too hard so she wouldn’t think he was dragging her.

Eventually the two managed to blade their way onto a nice quiet spot, far from the other dancers but still close enough that they can hear the music. Oscar stood facing Ruby. He still held her hand and gave it a small reassuring squeeze when he noticed that Ruby was still looking very self-conscious. It was admittedly little odd for Oscar seeing Ruby this tense especially since he had grown so accustomed to her righteous bravado.

Ruby: *very nervously* I…promise me you won’t laugh if I fall down, okay?

Oscar: *reassuringly* Aunt Em used to say this about dancing. The job of a good partner is to be a great support. If you fall, I'll just catch you. Besides I plan on laughing with you, not at you.

Oscar flashes Ruby a warm smile. Ruby had to cup her cheeks a little bit as she felt a sudden warmness creep up on her. It was weird but all that nervousness soon washed away as she returned to smile to Oscar. With Oscar taking the lead, the two then started.

And scene.

What do you think Miggy? Also, hey @xstonehill, would a scene like this work for you as well? I remember you pointing out Oscar reaching out to Ruby a lot throughout V6.

I think dancing---especially the Rosebuds dancing together is the perfect chance to help build trust between them. Part of dancing is about synchronization.  Learning to follow your partner’s lead and/or move in complete unison with them as part of the performance. Dancing is a terrific way to build closeness in a relationship---be it platonic or romantic since it encourages intimacy. Growing closer to your partner and getting more in tune with them to better build on your trust with them which aids in the dance.

I think dancing could be a surprisingly great thing to have Ruby and Oscar bond over. We never saw Ruby dance before. As a matter of fact, we know of her apprehension towards dancing from V2. All the more reason I’m hoping the CRWBY Writers make Oscar a good dancer---or at least a more confident dancer so that he can help encourage Ruby to loosen up and trust in him to be Ruby’s partner; both in and off the battlefield

Think about it this way. Oscar has proven himself to be very good at breaking down some of the walls that Ruby likes to place herself behind when she’s attempting to be all nonchalant about the issues that plague her.

Oscar is always eager to reach his hand out to help Ruby. That's actually good since it's a nod back to what Oz told him back in V4.

As we saw in V6, Ruby's happiest memory with Oscar is the time he helped her back in V5. That dojo scene meant a lot to Ruby and was what solidified her liking of Oscar. I would love for another opportunity where Oscar once again helps Ruby through a moment of insecurity and gets her to open up to him.

Having Oscar and Ruby dance together and learn to trust through dance is an interesting way to help them grow as a team. We're used to seeing Ruby take leadership a lot especially after V6.

It'd be great if through dancing, Ruby learns to let Oscar take the lead for a change and trust in him. Perhaps Ruby trusting Oscar's leadership through dance will encourage her to trust his guidance on the battlefield. Not saying that Ruby doesn’t trust Oscar. However I have noticed some minor moments that made me think that Ozpin’s isolation might have soured Ruby's bond with Oscar. Not a lot but enough that it's a bit noticeable in her expressions especially compared to last season and the start of this season.

Ruby learning to open herself up more to Oscar and trusting him through an unorthodox activity like dancing, using that a metaphor for their friendship could be surprisingly brilliant if executed.

Plus imagine if, dancing is what inspires Oscar and Ruby’s tag team move on the battlefield. Picture this:

Ruby and Oscar are cornered against their enemies. As their foes close in on them, Ruby turns to Oscar at some point and says "You ready to try our new move, partner?"

Oscar smirks knowingly as he offers Ruby his hand and replies "May I have this dance?"

And just like that, the Rosebuds execute their tag team move which is literally a dance. A duet of perfectly timed movements moving in sync to an imaginary beat that only Ruby and Oscar are in tuned to. After all, it is their dance. Their Petal Dance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Pokémon did it first but…but C’MON! I swear if we ever got a RoseGarden tag team move and it's pretty much a dance between Ruby and Oscar inspired by them learning to trust each other through dancing for the Atlas Arc, happy would not even begin to describe how ecstatic I'd be to see something like that done canonically.

But as always, these are only just my ideas. A squiggly Rosegardening Pinehead can only dream.

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

RWBY Volume 6 Episode “Alone in the Woods” Micksterecap-THINGS HAPPEN FINALLY!

Hey everybody hoping you had a good week, mine’s had some bumps but I’m still dancin’ so WHATEVS-lets get to Micksterecap!

OUR EPISODE STARTS OUT-

-with Ruby thinking about reenacting her favorite scene from “An American Tail”, moon and everything-BUT-

2:05 -CAN’T due to Bumblebee angst. Look at Weiss in the middle there, no WAY she doesn’t know she’ a buffer between the two of them. Girl just wants to be warm, why does she also have to be in between passive aggressive romance drama?

Its sad times like this when a girl JUST needs a stable adult to talk to, so she GOES to Qrow-

-aaaaaaaaaaand he’s drinking...super. Way to keep it together, one of only 2 stable adults. He then tells her that he’s okay and that he’ll wake everyone up in the morning because he’s the STABLE adult he is!

A CUT TO-Maria telling Oscar about the late man of the house Bartleby, and how the farming community was going through a BIT of tough times, which I’m SURE he didn’t try to solve by using the dark arts...so sure.

Ruby than tells everyone they gotta go to sleep as they gotta get out of this rejected Evil Dead setting ASAP, which I’m sure Qrow will DEFINITELY be awake to wake up everbod-

4:13 Oooooooooooooooooooooh Qrooooooooooooooow...you got a problem man. That’s an ENTIRELY different bottle of booze. AND-just when you think his drinking problem couldn’t be even MORE of a problem-

-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH she woke up before him and saw him in this state. We’re getting real here folks, we’re tackling alcoholism, WE’RE DOING IT FOLKS!

In a FIT of anger-

-Ruby SMASHES that shit-

-WAKING-his drunk ass up-

-making him INSTANTLY realize he broke a promise due to his drinking...we are getting DANGEROUSLY close to very special episode territory here folks.

Ruby than gives him a sweet hug telling him he could talk to her and Yang about stuff, but like many people with a problem Qrow brushes it off...uuuuuuuuuuuuuh...HAMMERS! Sorry...trying to make a joke here but its just...SUCH an angst fest!

5:36 Everyone else is awake, hell Weiss even welded a hitchemup to Bumblebee(the bike not the ship) with her dust magic so the cart will attach to it! When Weiss learned welding I do NOT know but I’m glad she did!

EITHER WAY everything goes out fine without ANY proble-

-aaaaaaaaaand Qrow’s Misfortune pops the tire (Ruby, HIDE THE BOOZE).

This single deflated tired sparks a chain reaction of mental anguish, where everyone is practically giving up on the mission, Yang even tells Ruby she should just throw the Jinn lamp down the well ALSO-

7:43 These three just...STARE at Ruby until she drops it in the well...like weird sleepy zombies. Ruby attempts to toss that sucker down the well-

-while ALSO sporting a sleepy zombie demeanor like everyone else which I’m SO SURE won’t mean anything later-BUT THEN-

“Hey kid...you like balloons?”

Ruby than drops the lamp, LOGICALLY freaks out about it ALL WHILE-

-these...three sleepy bitches don’t give a SHIT! If you can ‘t tell by now, some CLEAR devil magic is being had here.

Ruby somehow being the ONLY person to not be sleepified, gets her team to join her in getting the magical lamp that the bad guy wants that is STILL a freakin priority! And I’m sure Qrow, being a mature man of body and mind will FIGHT BACK the curse holding them-

Qrow: Everyone do whatever, I’m gonna drink away my feelings.

Ooooooooooooooh right, depression.

9:29 Team RWBY jumps down the well without receiving fall damage, in what is CLEARLY Killer Croc’s level in Batman Arkham Asylum. Get the Poison Ivy spores and then GET OUT OF THERE! The four than search for the lamp-ALL WHILE-

Maria continues to read Bartelby’s diary which I’m sure will have NOOOOOOOOOOOOO relevance at all...absolutely none.

After slightly more emo than usual Blake points out their scroll’s flashlights are useless when they’re looking for a glowing lamp of infinite glowing-

-BAM-they finds that shit, and I’m sure NOTHING bad will happen when they go look for it, not Salem’s crew, not White Fang-bangers, not nightmare Grimm that suck away your will to care about anything creating utter and total apath-

-ooooooooooooooh crap, RUN OLD WOMAN! RUN AND HELP THOSE FOUR TEENAGERS WHO AREN’T USED TO THE SOUL CRUSHING NOTHINGNESS!

OH SWEET JESUS-they’re all bendy and moaning, and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! They even freak out Ruby-

-BUT thankfully-

-THAT was enough to wake them up from their case of the SERIOUS mondays. TERROR-the greatest alarm clock of all! Ruby THEN introduces them to the monsters of the week-

-DAMMIT-I wish I could get a better picture of how unsettling they all are, like freaky inky skeletons. Ruby then gives the FIRST volley-

11:12

-WHICH does nothing! That’s what you get for forgetting those super cross-bullets from the character short Ruby...and RWBY in general, what the hell happened to those things? Its even worse when the Apathy uses-EMO SHRIEK-

And its SUPER effective! THANKFULLY THOUGH-

OLD LADY MARIA APPEARS to save the day...by...encouraging them to run! Hey, helping’s helping, I’m not picky.

Maria: LET’S GO LESBIANS, LET’S GO!

Team RWBYM then runs ALL throughout the catacombs, running into more and more of these Grimm zombie fucks and JUST when they get to the exit-

-AND they hit em with another depression wave, they make Blue Diamond look like Holly Blue!

12:29 That don’d stop Maria, the little Yoda that could from trying to open the door-BUT-to no avail! Strong will power has its limits. ALSO-Blake has the most...HORRIFYING reaction to the Apathy’s power-

Blake:...its fine.

While she just LIES down, complacent in the absolute nothingness the Apathy gave them, just CREEPY!

Things are just NOT looking good folks, the music keeps getting creepier, the Grimm keep getting closer, and the PROM is tomorrow! But RIGHT before one of the skeledudes try to Freddy Kruger Blake-

Ruby: NO-not my sister’s almost girlfriend!

WOO-silver eyes-STUN THOSE LITTLE BITCHES!

Things seem good for like THREE seconds, Yang rushes to the door to bash it open BUT-

-they blast them with YET ANOTHER emo wave-RIGHT before Yang could get to the door.

Yang: NO-I can’t reach one of my two almost girlfriends!

Don’t lie, some of you were thinking shippy thoughts with that shot, and you DISGUST ME!

13:54 Once again its up to RWBY Grandma Katara to SAVE the day!

Maria: Ruby, what color are your eyes?

By...asking questions about eye color apparently! Also her goggles don’t look THAT distorted, I’m amazed she hasn’t guessed their silver.

Maria than gives her the ULTIMATE pep-talk, Ruby gets up and REVEALS-

-SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HA GRIMM DISINTEGRATION POWERS! AWESOME! H-wait...did Ozpin KNOW about how Silver Eye powers WORKED? Cos if he did...wwwwwwwwwwwhy didn’t he get Ruby a tutor? Because that is one BAD ASS super power!

Either way it was an attack SO awesome-

-that it fixed Maria’s eyes! HUZZAH!

Yang bashes the exit’s door, REVEALING IT LEADS TO-

15:22 -THE HOUSE...uh, yeah where else would it lead? I’m just saying EVERYONE here is surprised, including Weiss and Ruby who saw the door LAST episode. Man, intense magical apathy must do TERRORS on the memory-WHICH-is actually true for those for depression. They ALSO see-

DRUNKLE QROW-who has been ABSOLUTELY useless this ENTIRE episode due to the Apathy amplifying his depression. Seriously, I want to point out he DOES look worse in this episode than others, most times he was a functional drunk, this time he went full off the wagon.

Everybody decides to logically leave this hellish house of hell-housery-RIGHT BEFORE THE ANIMATORS-

15:37 Give us SHIP BAIT! GLORIOUS GLORIOUS SHIP BAIT!

Either way, Weiss who is absolutely DONE with being scared and apathetic does the ONLY logical thing one can do in this situation-

-SET SOME BITCHES ON FIRE! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-their gonna toast up NICE with all that wood and alcohol there!

After pushing a belligerent Drunkle Qrow who EVENTUALLY notices the death monsters-

16:26 See that look? THAT is a combo look of both breaking from a plus 10 apathy enchantment AND instant sobriety!

Either way, everyone gets on the cart attached to Bumblebee and they get OUT OF THERE-

...rather...smoothly I gotta say! I mean what is that, 25 miles an hour? Bumblebee has a GOOD amount of horsepower for a motorcycle, wander why Yang had so much trouble trudging it through the snow earlier.

Everybody than says sorry for ever saying they’d want to quit the debatably futile mission of stopping an immortal witch, Maria gives final backstory on the apathy inducing monsters they fought being rounded up there by dumb-ass Bartleby who just didn’t want to pay Hunstmen and thought putting his friends and family into a state of constant apathy was a good idea, bla bla bla-TELL US WHAT WE ALL READY KNOW WOMAN!

Ruby: Ms Calavera, how do you know so much about the Grimm, and in the tunnels you know exactly what to say to make my eyes do that...how?

Maria: Well, isn’t it obvious girl...I had silver eyes!

BAM-a creepy as hell horror episode, more examples of Qrow’s drinking being a LEGIT problem, and SECRETS REVEALED in Maria being a Silver-eyes! DAMN what a good episode, hell the Apathy are almost as creepy as the Nuckaleave, and I LOVES the Nuckaleave!

Either way, fun episode, if you want to support my Patreon or Kofi just ask or message me, SEE YA NEXT WEEK ON MICKSTERECAPS!

  Welcome back, one and all, to our Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba discussion post! I’m glad I get to share this show with you and grateful to Crow for taking the time to chat with me every week. I really do look forward to my Saturdays thanks to this. (ok…so there’s a small chance I would have looked forward to my Saturdays anyways but who can really tell?) Naturally Crow will be bold this week, as it just suits him! Before we get into the episode proper, how was your week Crow? Were you looking forward to this as much as I was?

Absolutely I was! So many unanswered questions last week! And then the preview mentioned Zenitsu sleeping? Forget the circumstances — how’d he calm down enough to sleep?

For those of you who haven’t watched the episode, go watch it! It’s a feast for the eyes! We’re going to get into what happened so there will be “spoilers,” but this week’s Demon Slayer isn’t really the type of episode you can spoil. Nevertheless, if you want to go in completely blind, please watch the episode first!

I’m explaining my post title

We left off with all our heroes (almost) trapped in what seems to be a pandimensional house. That was after the demon slayers met two young children who had their brother snatched by a demon. Tanjiro and the girl were separated from her brother and Zenitsu, and were just about to face the demon controlling the house when they got interrupted by a boar head wearing warrior.

I have to say, the lackadaisical demon sounded fairly reasonable. All he wanted was for people to stop bursting into his house and causing a ruckus. I get that. Ok, there was the kidnapping… This is the first depressed demon we meet. They really range a lot in personality. Did you like him Crow?

It’s interesting you should mention “depressed,” because in my notes, I wondered why the demon was sad! A sad demon covered with tsuzumi was just so unexpected! I mean that in a good way, too. It made the whole situation more interesting. Why was he sad? What path had he taken to get here?

maybe he has body issues…relatable!

I’m going to interject here, after the short opening tag we got the OP and I don’t think I’ve ever taken the time to mention how much I enjoy the music here. And the singer has a really lovely voice. I don’t think the visuals are that interesting but it’s a good tune and I listen to it every week!

As much as I want to dive into the episode, I watch the OP, too. LiSA’s Gurenge is just beautiful, audibly and visually.

After the OP we got back to business and back to boar head. I don’t know his name (your favorite Anilist to the rescue! It’s Inosuke Hashibira — you do prefer Anilist, don’t you? I do, it has stats!!! Girls love stats!). It occurs to me that I assumed he was a demon slayer because he’s human and hunting demons but I don’t think that the show ever made that official.

it is a great design

Turns out he’s another over the top loud guy, but in a different way from Zenitsu. This is the “I’m going to destroy anything and anyone that stands in my way, and be damned the consequences” type. I wasn’t that crazy about him but I do like the design.

Did boar head dude stepping on the little girl tick you off as much as it did me? Tanjiro was indignant as he said, “Don’t stomp all over her!” You go, Tanjiro!

You know writing Big Personalities is a bit of a gamble. If you get the balance right, you have an almost guaranteed fan favourite who will be highly marketable and your series can pretty much exist on the back of that character. On the other hand, that balance is very difficult to achieve and if you don’t get it, your character will annoy your audience and risk sinking the popularity of your entire franchise. I feel like the demon slayers, aside from Tanjiro, are an assortment of Big Personalities that the author is just testing out to see what works. I hope they find that balance before it gets too exhausting to watch! Boar head reminds me of the kid in the trial that just wanted to get a sword.

that’s kinda weird but you do you

Did you catch him mentioning that his “Beast Breathing” was self-taught? Is he a real Demon Slayer? He has the right kind of metal in his sword… Dang it, sorry! I’m getting ahead…

That’s ok, I get excited too! But I’m really not sure how I feel about this guy. The latest characters are kind of iffy.

And of course, just as I say that, we get back to Zenitsu and the boy. I said last week that I had hope for Zenitsu, I just felt there was more to his character than meets the eye. And Demon Slayer decided not to test my patience. Sure, he started out with the same old exaggerated panic attacks and cowardly routine, but as soon as a demon showed up, Zenitsu stepped up to the plate and actually protected the kid.

d’awwww

Don’t get me wrong, he did not magically turn into a hero. He was still the same snivelling, whining mess, but he stood in front of that demon to protect the kid even while he was shaking and sobbing. He even told the boy to run and save himself. I was fully prepared to see Zenitsu use the kid as a human shield, so this was a surprise. A great one! And the fact that he was so visibly terrified the entire time only made it better. It’s not really brave if you’re not scared!

Maybe I’m easy to please, but it’s all it took for the character to be redeemed in my eyes. I immediately started cheering Zenitsu on!

I was the same way. Like you said — he was terrified, but he not only tried to put himself between the boy and the demon, he even encouraged the boy to run and save himself. I have to wonder if I’d have enough courage to do that! Sure, he’s no Tanjiro, but who is?

good question

And then he reached his limit. All that emotion was just too much for him and he passed out, leaving the poor child to try and save him. Like I said, Zenitsu is no hero and that is one of the best things about him.

He was even snoring! Man, he can nap waaay faster than I can!

Let’s slow things down a little here and talk about this demon. This isn’t the drum demon who’s the master of the house. It seems there are several demons in here and they so far they are not working together. I really liked the design of this guy (again). The double eyes were particularly successful in my opinion. Once more this show has crafted a demon that looks a little childish, almost cute in a strange way, yet honestly scary and unsettling. The saturated colour palette helps with that I think. In any case, the overall aesthetic is fantastically suited to the story. Ufotable is good with that!

They certainly are! And that demon’s tongue! That thing must have been 10 meters long and it sliced through a tough wooden barrel like it was nothing. Talk about capable of a tongue lashing!

people crawling is always creepy

Back to the action. Zenitsu is out, a fit of stress-induced narcolepsy it seems. The poor kid has his back against the wall and the demon is closing in when… We were all waiting for it, weren’t we? Zenitsu finally has his moment of reckoning. And what a moment it is! I knew he didn’t survive on pure luck! Sure, Zenitsu is no hero, but in his sleep, he’s a Big A** Hero! That scene was just so much fun. I could help but physically clap!

And it also works as a sort of metaphor for the show. It’s a somewhat cliché scene but with some nice twists. You see it coming from a mile away but when it does it’s so well executed that you thoroughly enjoy it. And there’s always just a little extra touch that you didn’t predict to keep you on your toes!

That moment was worth the price of admission. It wasn’t just a simple masterful attack. It was the equal of any strike we’ve seen! The sound, the animation, it call came together. Good stuff! And did you think that Zenitsu was almost the anti-Rock Lee? In the original Naruto, Rock Lee trained and trained and trained. He was a powerful fighter, but one time, he got knocked out. He had trained so much that his body continued to fight! Even when he was unconscious. It’s like he was the anti-Zenitsu or vice versa!

the colours are great 

I was wondering if all demon slayers had elemental powers. It’s starting to look more that way, since Zenitsu has electricity (thunder) based powers and he seems to wield them very well, as long as he’s unconscious! If I hadn’t already been sold a few minutes before, this would have done the trick. I’m a Zenitsu fan now, I want to see more of him.

When all was said and done, it became apparent that Zenitsu doesn’t remember anything. He actually does think he’s a weakling incapable of protecting anyone because as far as he knows, that has always been the case. I like this twist, I’m not sure I’ve seen it before!

It borders on tragic! He probably doesn’t know how he survived the selection match. He knows he’s always getting into danger and thinks he has no way out. Poor guy! You know what? I take back “borders on tragic.” It is tragic!

this happens a lot lately

In the meantime, Tanjiro and the girl have left both the demon and Boar head behind and discovered the kids’ brother. He’s alright folks! It seems the boy has special blood, so when he got dragged away it attracted more demons who all started to fight over who got to eat him. The drum demon got injured and lost one of his drums, which the brother managed to grab and use, immediately bringing him to another room, safe for the moment. Since then, he’s just been using the drum as soon as he sees anything and that’s kept him safe.

This is smart! Really smart! I like that. A victim that desperately needs help but isn’t just a prop or completely helpless. It just makes the character more real, you know?

It does. The little boy’s not a plot device to show how awesome Tanjiro is. That detail made him into the little scared boy trying desperately to stay alive. That’s a ton more dramatic!

yeah!

Tanjiro also thinks this was a great plan because he decides to face the demon alone and tells the girl and her brother to keep doing what they’ve been doing. Banging the drum at the slightest hint of danger. He promises to find them again when the battle is over.

Two things I quite liked happened here. First, the show addressed Tanjiro’s injuries. I still think he is inhumanly resilient, but they do go out of their way to show us that he did get treatment and that he is still in serious pain. Enough to affect his abilities. And he has been in pain all along! We even saw that Zenitsu is the form of Tanjiro’s insecurities which was pretty funny.

The explanation is still a little lacking but at least the story does take it into account. Were you happy with this explanation Crow?

also, he used an ointment, good as new!

Yeah, and I’ll do the opening Kimino thing here: Yes, many of us men are really that much of an idiot. We’ll push through pain just to look tough. Who are we trying to impress? Everyone, of course! Especially ourselves. Even worse? I’m an oldest son. Yes, we oldest sons will often go through stupid pain simply because we don’t want to disappoint mom or dad. It’s why medical folks have to make billboards that say men shouldn’t be stupid and ignore pain — we should go to the hospital instead! Well, this billboard kinda sums it up. So, what Tanjiro did isn’t just realistic. I’ve done it myself (though not with broken leg).

The second thing I liked was the fight itself. This was just gorgeous. That constantly spinning room, with Tanjiro’s clothes, hair and entire body weight visibly adjusting to the shifting gravity. The animation was so smooth and consistent that it was mesmerising. I feel a little bad for anyone with motion sickness, as I assume the quick and constant movement must not have been pleasant. However, I thought it was beautifully done! I’m ok with watching fights that take 3 episodes to get through if they look this good!

I think this is what the word spectacular was invented for. It was such a unique battlefield! Last time I saw room spinning like that was in the movie Inception, and I think it was more effective here!

you had to see it

It might, in fact, take three episodes to get through this fight as episode 12 ended before Tanjiro got the chance to get to the demon. And I screamed at my tv!

The pep talk he needed to get himself to that last moment was fantastic! “My injuries are making me imagine the most awful things!” struck me as powerfully authentic. Like the detail of the little boy clutching the drum, Tanjiro’s inner dialogue elevated him from just another hero to a young man struggling to keep it together. Little touches like that are setting this show apart for me.

As much as I enjoyed this week’s Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba, there was one little thing that kept gnawing in the back of my mind. Nezuko is still all alone out there. Is it still daylight out?

I could be glib and say that in the OP and ED, we see Nezuko in the same frame as Zenitsu and boar head dude, so she’s got to be okay, right? Right? Sigh. Yes, I’m worried about her. Not only is the sunlight a danger to her, but other demon slayers haven’t been as understanding of her situation as Tanjiro…

Reviews of the Other Episodes

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 01: Cruelty

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 02: Trainer Sakonji Urokodaki

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 03: Sabito and Makomo

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 04: Final Selection

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 05: My Own Steel

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 06: A Friend fo All Humans

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 07: Muzan Kibutsuji

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 08: The Smell of Enchanting Blood

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 09: Temari Demon and Arrow Demon

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 10: Together Forever

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 11: Tsuzumi Mansion

just want Nezuko back!

Of course, I took a lot of screencaps! And yes, I would love to share them with you!

  Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba Episode 12: Delicatesse Welcome back, one and all, to our Demon Slayer: Kimetsu No Yaiba discussion post! I’m glad I get to share this show with you and grateful to…

So I watched Re:Zero and...

That was some of the most depressing shit I’ve ever experienced. 

It starts off dark as fuck despite the quirky protag with jokes. One of the first scenes you see in episode one is a dead guy with his throat slashed. 

Then, it’s mostly nice again until Subaru dies horribly because something and someone kept killing him in Emilia’s mansion. 

THEN, Rem asserts herself as best battle girl while being batshit crazy. During this time, Ram has solidified herself as Re:Zero’s Senjougahara. They’re so similar, it’s frighting. If anyone ships her and Subaru, look up Araragi x Senjougahara and it’s almost the same thing. 

Then, the Royal Selection happens. Subaru immediately antagonizes Julius for an incredibly petty reason (this actually sticks, btw). Then there’s that one episode that has several minutes of Subaru being both a dumbass and an asshole. If you didn’t like him already, that episode made you hate him. 

Finally, Emilia gets tired of his shit and gives him the talking to that he needed. 

Then it’s just 40 or so minutes of crippling depression. I’m not kidding. 

Best girl Rem gets killed over and over, everyone else keeps dying, Subaru is beaten down mentally and emotionally until he’s straight up in a trauma induced catatonic state complete with the thousand yard stare. Fuck everything about the Witch’s Cult. That scene with the Unseen Hands and Rem was soul crushing. 

Fuck the White Whale, too.

Surprise, Puck was badass all along and really did think of Emilia as his daughter. Too bad he kills everyone and everything.

Rem gives the most heartfelt speech and confession I’ve ever heard. 

“Rem...I love Emilia.” Me: “Hahaha...tHAT’S NOT WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY WHAT THE FUCK-”

FINALLY, Subaru manages to keep everyone from dying. Cue one of the most epic anime battles I’ve seen in a long time. Everyone vs the White Whale legit had me smile and feel legitimately worried about some of the distinct characters.

Subaru fully redeemed himself during this time. Being able to fight, but not using the power of friendship or plot powers to do so, and even then not being OP or even close to the strongest one there? Hell yes. 

Wilheilm asserts his status as best guy. I’m 99% sure that he’s Reinhart’s grandpa or something judging by his wife’s looks. 

For any of you FT fans out there, Crusch Karsten is what Erza could’ve been if done right.

As Subaru once said, “If I didn’t already have a number 1 and number 2 in my hear, I’d be in trouble.”

Again, fuck the Witch’s Cult. Also, at this point the plot armor starts to kick in a bit considering that neither Wilheilm nor Felix died despite being hit point blank by explosions. I was surprised that those random soldiers got straight up killed by that one finger lady, though. So sudden.

Just when you thought it was over, best boy Otto returns to show how badasss (and slightly crazy) he is with a carriage while helping Subaru save Emilia. 

And after all is said and done, Subaru confesses to Emilia uSING REM’S SPEECH ALMOST WORD FOR WORD, YOU DUMB FUCK WHY DIDN’T YOU PICK HER-

Ahem. I just...couldn’t seem to like Emilia, honestly. For the most part, she just felt kind of like a cardboard cut out for Subaru to fawn over. I know that she has some issues with people calling her a half devil and such, but the anime just didn’t garner enough sympathy for me to really care. The worst it got was people talking about her and the only one who really insulted her to her face was a bitch, anyway. Maybe if she’d faced some hate crimes of some sort or hard cried in private over such things, I’d feel more for her. As she is now, I just...don’t see why Subaru loves her so much. Especially over Rem.

Overall, good stuff. Maybe 7/10? The crippling depression made it hard to properly evaluate the plot as it happened and hell no am I rewatching that torture. 

Also, I saw some plot threads left hanging like Felt and the Royal Selection and Roswaal(?)’s desire to win it. Hopefully there’s a season 2 and hopefully it’s not quite as soul crushing. 

On a side note, I find it funny that the show played the exact same music every time something even remotely spooky happened. Imagining it being spammed at earrape levels makes me laugh. 

Maybe KonoSuba next. I’ve seen clips of it and it seems hilarious.

100 Questions

Tagged by @bob-newby-superhero thanks!!

1. What is your nickname? Sari, Sarita, Sarinha

2. How old are you? 18

3. What is your birth month? December

4. What is your zodiac sign? Sagittarius

5. What is your favourite colour? Green!

6. What’s your lucky number? 17 because it’s my birthday lmao

7. Do you have any pets? No but I really want a cat. Everyone in my family has dogs

8. Where are you from? I’m Luso-Canadian (my family is from Portugal but we live in Canada)

9. How tall are you? My driver’s license says 160 cm but the doctor told me 163. Either way, around 5’3”

10. What shoe size are you? Uhh depends on the shoe but usually 6.5-7

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Many, but I always wear the same shit lol

12. Are you random? Sometimes, I guess

13. Last person you texted? I texted myself pictures from my mom’s phone. Last message in general was to @eljane-hoppers

14. Are you psychic in any way? Haha sometimes I think I am, but my mom is more >:^)

15. Last TV show watched? Saw an episode of Four Weddings on TLC this morning

16. Favourite movie? The Book Thief or The Greatest Showman

17. Favourite show from your childhood? iCarly!! Used to watch it religiously after school every day it was on

18. Do you want children? Yes, but definitely not right now lmao

19. Do you want a church wedding? Kind of yeah. It’ll depend on who I end up marrying but it’d probably be some kind of disgrace if I didn’t get married in a church

20. What is your religion? I am Catholic

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Yup tons of times, whether for myself or other people

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Nope, I am a Child of God™

23. How is life? Could be better, probably, but it’s pretty chill right now

24. Baths or showers? Showers, but I also really like baths

25. What colour socks are you wearing? Bold of you to assume I’m wearing socks at all

26. Have you ever been famous? I mean if you google my name the results are me. I was on CBC because I was in the national spelling bee in 2012

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? I feel like it’d be fun and cool for a while but then I’d get tired of it. I don’t like having people all up in my business and that seems like what life is like for big celebrities :/ But having a lot of influence would be awesome

28. What type of music do you like? Literally anything except country music (I’m not all that into rap/trap music either, but I can appreciate it from time to time) here’s a playlist of my favourite stuff it’s like seven hours long but if you go through it you’ll see it’s really all kinds :)

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Maybe and I don’t remember? My childhood was a questionable era

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2, both under my head

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I usually fall asleep on my side but I almost always wake up on my back so I don’t actually know how I’m sleeping

32. How big is your house? 2 stories and a basement

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Cup of milk with something else, usually a bowl of cereal or bread/croissant with Nutella

34. Have you ever left the country? YeET I’ve been to Portugal a bunch of times, Spain once, and to France on a 5-hour layover but we didn’t leave the airport and I don’t remember it anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

35. Have you ever tried archery? Does it count if it was on Wii Sports? And yeah once and I was terrible at it

36. Do you like anyone? I think so and it sucks because he’s my friend :(

37. Favourite swear word? Probably fuck, I say it a lot. But I also say shit a lot so I mean idrk

38. When do you fall asleep? Oof regularly past midnight, but the time varies

39. Do you have any scars? A giant burn mark on my leg and a very faint lil thing on my right hand from this time I accidentally did an entire flip in my driveway

40. Sexual orientation? Was previously sure I was straight but I’m kind of starting to question that?

41. Are you a good liar? I like to think that I’m a very convincing actress

42. What languages would you like to learn? Mm I already speak Portuguese (if you ever wanna learn something hmu), and I learned some French because that’s mandatory in Canada but I dropped it and I want to get back into it. So, French! I also learned some German this year and I might continue with it. Also maybe Spanish, I can already understand some

43. Top 10 songs? Umm

Love Is A Battlefield - Pat Benatar

Rock You Like A Hurricane - Scorpions

Theme From New York, New York - Frank Sinatra

True Faith - New Order

Age Of Consent - New Order

A Million Dreams - The Greatest Showman OST

Second Waltz - Dmitri Shostakovich

Power Of Love - Celine Dion

Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry

Halo - Beyonce

44. Do you like your country? Canada? Yeah, I love it except for the stupid ass weather. I get sick every fucking time the season changes

45. Do you have friends from the web? Yeeee!! They’re all awesome people

46. What is your personality type? INFP- there’s more info here if you want to know what that means

47. Hogwarts House? Ravenclaw ftw bitches

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yesssss

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? Buzzfeed told me that, based on my music taste, I am “a student of classic rock like School of Rock’s Dewey Finn” (but actually HA I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I LOVED JACK BLACK IN THAT MOVIE)

50. Left or right handed? Righttttt

51. Are you scared of spiders? They don’t scare me as much as induce some kind of panic, but it really depends what kind of spider. Really little ones are actually kind of cute, but big spiders send me into cardiac arrest

52. Favourite food? Akjsnfskd PASTA

53. Favourite foreign food? Idk man I’m already picky af with my food. If I live in Canada does that make the Portuguese food I eat on a daily basis foreign because if so I loooooove me some fuckin barbecued chicken

54. Are you a clean or messy person? Fairly clean. If I wasn’t my mother would hurt me lol

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? Idk probably figure out how to pee standing up, maybe make use of the ability to lie on my stomach without hurting my chest :)

56. What colour underwear? I think this is turquoise

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? Depends what I’m getting ready for. On a regular day, ten minutes tops. If I’m going out to an event it can be upwards of an hour; sometimes less, sometimes more

58. Do you have much of an ego? Idk if it’s ego so much as me being confident in myself. Anyone who has a problem with me and decides to be rude about it can suck my non-existent dick

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? I try to suck them but it never lasts for long, I almost always bite them unless I’m really concentrating on not biting

60. Do you talk to yourself? Lmfao only ALL THE TIME

61. Do you sing to yourself? Yeee

62. Are you a good singer? I don’t think I’ll blow out your eardrums but I know I’m not the best either. I’ll just say I’m not terrible

63. Biggest Fears? Heights and deep water

64. Are you a gossip? I live for drama does that make me a gossip

65. Are you a grammar nazi? Yeah if I’m talking to someone I’m very comfortable with (my cousin for example) or if I’m trying to be petty

66. Do you have long or short hair? Long! I’m growing it out so I can be really dramatic and chop it all off later (also thinking of donating it)

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? I can name almost all of them but I always forget a few. I think it’s pretty good considering I was never taught American geography

68. Favourite school subject? Instrumental music and history were my favourites

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Idk I guess extroverted introvert? Is that a thing???? I’m really awkward and panicky in social situations with people I don’t know but if I have friends around I’m just here to have the time of my life

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No

71. What makes you nervous? Having to talk to people I don’t know (it literally makes me panic it’s horrible)

72. Are you scared of the dark? Sometimes, yeah

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Lmao ok this depends on who the person is and if I’m in that kind of mood (but when I was a kid I used to correct my teachers)

74. Are you ticklish? Yes very

75. Have you ever started a rumour? No

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? Yes, I’ve been to Portugal a bunch of times, Spain once, and France on a layover

77. Have you ever drank underage? Chugged a cup of beer by accident when I was 6 oops

78. Have you ever done drugs? No but even if I had I don’t think I would say it here unless it was something minor like weed

79. What do you fantasize about? Travelling the world!!!!! And like, being a successful adult because right now I have no idea what the actual fuck I’m doing with my life

80. How many piercings do you have? Two, one in each ear

81. Can you roll your Rs? You gotta in Portuguese! I’m also fairly sure my French and German pronunciations are pretty much on point most of the time so I can do those types of R sounds as well

82. How fast can you type? Pretty fast on my phone and not slow on my laptop either (when you’re a writer you end up learning to type faster than you thought you would lol)

83. How fast can you run? Oof I’m not slow when I first start off but that only goes for like max 10 seconds

84. What colour is your hair? Dark brown

85. What colour are your eyes? Also dark brown

86. What are you allergic to? Bigots

87. Do you keep a journal? I have a diary I’ve had since I was like 10 but I don’t write in it very often. I also have a notebook where I write down fic ideas and outline plots

88. Are you depressed about anything? I actually think I might have seasonal depression or something but I’m not sure

89. Do you like your age? Yeah I guess being 18 is cool

90. What makes you angry? People who refuse to listen to reason

91. Do you like your own name? Yes it means princess!

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? No but I ate lead once

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? No preference as long as it is alive and healthy

94. What talents do you have? Uhh I can play two instruments and will be learning a third does that count? I just remembered I can also balance a spoon on my nose

95. Sun or moon? Moon

96. How did you get your name? My mom had a friend named Sara when she was a kid and she always liked the name so here I am having been named Sara

97. Are you religious? Kind of? I don’t go to church very often but I think I believe in God (I believe that there’s something, at least). I’ve also received all the Sacraments that I can (as of right now that’s baptism, first communion, and confirmation)

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? Nope

99. Colour of your bedspread? Right now it’s just plain white

100. Colour of your room? Bright green!

Yeet I’m finished! Took forever ‘cause I kept getting interrupted but oh well

tagging: @eljane-hoppers @hannahberrie @mikeywheelerr @queer-deckovskij