uh. do not do that.

HIHI

not too much happened, yknow that bb gun i was talking about tho or atleast i think i did, well the school didnt take it seriously just asked him if he had one and that was it, he was lucky to not have it that day. its not like i like being a snitch but my mom was asking about it and she was gonna tell the school about it and listen if anything is against apricot and he doenst know its me, then im all in if there are 1000 apricot haters im one of them if there is 1 im them and if there is 0 im dead.

anyways he keeps bullying melon which kinda sucks for her and he thinks its her who reported. anyways it was wellbeing week so we had to do stupid shit. yay. i absolutely loathe drawing pictures and ofc we just had to do that often. it really sucked. my friend made me move in cspe and then she moved away from me again i was so ready to punch her in the face. i nearly stapled her jumper together but missed.

on tuesday we had a sub for pe so basically no pe, got our test scores from maths scored a 76% twas a little disappointed but every1 got sort of that or lower except for very few. in french it was good and me and diorite somehow got onto the topic of costa and said that on friday we should have a goss sesh and drink the new maple hot chocolate (it was really good) so yeah we planned that out. in graphics our teacher said we would be starting our project which is basically worth 30% of the junior cert (yikes) but that was on wednesday we had graphics. also on wednesday our woodwork teacher came back and he collected the cbas except the sub told us these were all drafts and that we would have more time (spoiler alert we didnt) and our woodwork teacher is not a kind man. mine was pathetic. did i talk about the irish test?? i got on ok wasnt even a test tbh. i think our nurture teacher is avoiding us cuz idk but hes in but just doesnt show up and gets other teachers to sub which is weird..

ALSO on tuesday nearly missed the main event whoopsies, its kinda ironic considering wellbeing week and being healthy and shit for that but this girl in my year was so high that her hands started shaking and her eyes were rolling back, so the school called an ambulance bc (well one of my classmates who sits beside her) said that they thought she was gonna have a seizure. so scary shit, every1 was more worried about the weed pen she had rather than her getting seriously screwed up in the long run.

on wednesday we were supposed to have an irish test but then we got to have a wellbeing walk. i snuck in chocolate crisps or whatever you call them kinda felt like a fat bitch by the end so that was really mental health of me. Lapis (maybe someone i havent introduced but hes in my class) and this other guy got into a fight, idk what about bc no one will tell me but yeah. thursday was BORINGGGG we got hot chocolate but it was like 2 euro like wtf inflation im a student. like we have to pay 2 euro for good hot chocolate but they gave away a whole trolley full of laptops last year and just that day they let students take full ass monitors, computers and keyboards. even a fucking cars cannot park here sign. some dude took a laptop cover HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE A LAPTOP. friday in irish turns out the test was a real one and im waffling, im waffling dude, so badly, im straight talking out of my ass. anywayyys i did shit but its me so i tried. on tuesday me and diorite specifically told granite "DO NOT BRING APRICOT, WE ARE SPILLING GOSS, DO NOT BRING HIM"

guess what i hear when i walk in huh, check whatsapp, i do, i see the message and it says granites ditching us for apricot, and then granite says oh no im sorry and then diorite says he invited him to costa. and my mind goes red i go up to granite and i start telling him i do " DID WE NOT TELL YOU NOT TO INVITE HIM HUH??" "yess.." "AND YOU INVITED HIM?? im disappointed im really disappointed in you" anyways we still went costa without him and it was fun until apricot showed up outside granite waved and then apricot and his friends looked at us through the window and then me and diorite buck t out fo there go to penneys catch some bargains and then go to granites house and theres granite, OD, apricot and ODs friend. we say hi but then i have to go ten minutes later. also i changed in the tesco bathrooms and i looked rly fucking hot ok. also me and diorite held an entire conversation in irish so like go me yesss. anyways good morning, day and night.

Lucifer Rewatch Liveblog: 1.04

My gym team lost and I am sad so we're watching Lucifer :(

I didn't even look at the title before hitting play. I have no idea what episode I'm looking at.

OH! Manly Whatnots. Okay I do know what episode this is now. Or at least certain parts of it lol

Okay but seeing Jimmy bang his head against the door until he bleeds would fuck you up. Watching anyone purposefully injure themselves like that would fuck you up.

Lucifer breaking into Chloe's place to cook breakfast is #justfanficthings cause that shit is creepy as fuck in real life.

'Ugh, I want to shoot you.' -- Soon enough, Chloe. Soon enough.

I am absolutely enjoying how much it's pissing Dan off though. LOL

'Really, Chloe? I'm disappointed in you.' -- Seriously, Dan? You think you have a leg to stand on in Season 1?

Oh, is this the ep Linda where realizes she should switch Lucifer's payment from sex to money like a normal therapist?

Is that a lemon print on that bench seat in Chloe's beach house? Or just a lemon colored print? Sorry it's spring and yet cold so I'm craving flower colors badly.

I may adore Chloe and Dan as exes, but it is uncomfortable thinking of them as married.

Maybe this isn't the ep Linda changes Lucifer's payment system lol Oops.

OH! I know this scene! It's the never going to sleep with you until hell freezes over scene! Love it!

I actually rewound it and watched it again without typing anything because it was even better in full than it was in fan vids and I deserve good things tonight.

I'm already uncomfortable with this club gathering thing.

Chloe beginning to accept that Lucifer has literally never been rejected by someone. You're right, Chloe. It does explain a lot of his behavior. Him being the literal Devil explains the rest of it, but it takes you a bit longer to realize that one.

Lucifer absolutely sucks at playing detective LOL

'Were you hit on the head when you were small'? -- not even close, Lucifer.

What is this seizure inducing bro-rock intro? o_O

This is the cis-het man version of the mlm cults isn't it? Terrifying.

Not what I expected to be called manly whatnots. Definitely expected something dirtier lol They're good at playing me with the episode titles.

Yep, literally putting Chloe in the spotlight for not having sex with you. Surefire way to change that! ROTFL

Clueless. He's utterly clueless.

Speaking of clueless.... hello, Amenadiel.

'little demon'... LITTLE DEMON!!! LITTLE DEMON????

Amenadiel, how the fuck did Maze sleep with you instead of murdering you for that one?? Your angel guts should be strewn all through Lux right now.

"It's a phase. It will pass." -- Ooph. Amenadiel is actually right on that one. Maze is lying to herself that Lucifer's new motives are just a phase.

wing scars wing scars wing scars *chants*

WING SCARS WING SCARS WING SCARS WING SCARS

WING SCARS!!!!!!!!!!! WING!!!!!!!!! SCARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUUUUUCKK the 'don't... please' fucks me up as much as it does Chloe. Also I adore her immediate defensive and sharp look when Lucifer catches her wrist because yeah that's the correct reaction to someone unexpectedly grabbing you. And then it softens when Lucifer speaks and shows pain and vulnerability (!!) instead of aggression. OOPH it's so good.

I didn't even bother getting excited when the guy pointed the gun at Lucifer. *sigh* But one of these eps he'll finally get shot and realize the rules to his invulnerability have changed. And I will be fucking cheering about it! :D

'Um, I'm kind of a polarizing guy.' -- definitely one way to word that

'No they've hung up.' - ROTFL I was going to say, what in the TV rules is this?? Surely, the kidnappers have hung up already. And then they had lol

Oh shit, we're getting this car scene too in this episode? Fuck me, we're getting all the good S1 shit in ep 4.

Wait a second.... WAIT A SECOND....

IS HE GOING TO GET SHOT IN THIS EPISODE?????

I think he is omg *vibrates* That 'what does it feel like if you get shot' question was way too foreshadowing. Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit

'You're an atheist? How ironic' -- I mean, I'm pretty sure that is ironic given she's a gift from God.

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHERE HE GETS SHOT YOU GUYS! I RECOGNIZE THIS SET! *vibrates louder*

I think it would've been funnier if the brother had been flung fully to the ground when Lucifer let go of the bag. It would've more thoroughly demonstrated the angel strength vs human strength discrepancy.

This scene has everything OMG

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

*SCREAMS LOUDER  AND HIGHER UNTIL ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR*

I think it's absolutely hilarious that they have this lieutenant character in S1, promote her (or she becomes a politician, I can't remember) and later have Cain in S3, but otherwise, there just isn't a boss running things at the police station. Free range detectives only at that LAPD precinct. They don't believe in caging them with bosses and chains of command. :P

(They also don’t believe in having more than one lab tech. Ella Lopez is all they need! ROTFL)

Yeah you're not going to convince the kid of two cops that blood is ketchup.

Okay, Trixie drawing the conclusion that Chloe really likes Lucifer because she shot him is absolutely the punishment Chloe deserves for perpetuating that bullshit that if a boy picks on you, it means he has a crush on you.

THAT'S NOT WHAT IT MEANS! IT MEANS THAT KID IS AN ASSHOLE!

I'm so upset moving the show to Netflix meant tighter filming schedules (presumably) and thus less scenes with Trixie because she's adorable and I love Chloe as a mom.

And now Maze knows it's not just a phase. Thus her plan to work with Amenadiel is born.

(and sleep with him because only Chloe isn't allowed to sleep with the rest of the cast.)

(except CAIN but that's stupid and bullshit and stupid so we don't talk about it)

Okay and stopping the autoplay to see this header pic for the Lucifer menu is absolutely the reward I deserve for my gymnastics team missing out on nationals.

HELLO EVE AND MAZE! MY BELOVEDS! <33333

(god I cannot wait until S4 when Eve comes into all of our lives and improves them. She's just so fucking perfect! *swoons* My girl!! My love of my life!! The #1 MILF in all of human history!! EVE!!!!)

Okay okay okay, now I have to backtrack and talk about The Scene that I was too busy watching to type through. Actually, we had FOUR 'The Scene's in this episode and that is three more than I expected from the title. But the ultimate SCENE is obviously the one where Chloe shoots Lucifer.

I adore Lucifer talking about punishments fitting the crime and how killing the guy for being an asshole wasn't justified. Because a) if Lucifer had still been in Hell, he wouldn't have cared less about humans killing each other for minor crimes. He would've just rolled his eyes at it and moved on. Or turned it into a sport like he basically did just two episodes ago with the paparazzi. Which brings me to b) it's a fabulous scene because it's already showing that Lucifer is thinking about these things, that he's learning and thus changing already after such a short time. And c) it's fabulous because again it's feeding into the series finale end game of helping the souls in Hell confront their guilt. In fact, I realized in this scene, that for cop propaganda (as virtually all American cop shows are propaganda), it's surprisingly anti-prison. Mainly in the metaphorical Hell sense of prison, but still. That's really interesting.

I also love the cut from 'Do I scare you?' / 'No.' to Chloe catching a glimpse of Lucifer's Devil face and immediately going 'ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck'. Clearly, there's a blatant Divine aura around both angel wings and Lucifer's Devil face that would rightfully freak out a mortal. Like we can sit here and tell ourselves that we wouldn't freak out if we saw either. We're staring right at his Devil face on screen and it isn't scary! Just red. But that's because we're watching a story. If you were actually in that world, and you saw the Devil flash that red and scarred face at you, you would indeed be pissing yourself. Because that's how the characters in the universe react to it. Therefore that's how a regular human being would react to it. Divinity is terrifying, or at the very least overwhelming, to humans in this universe. So I headcanon it as essentially an aura that you register but can't quite wrap your head around. You just know that it's Not Human. And Chloe is not immune to the effects of Divinity. She's only immune to Lucifer's desire power which is an important distinction for understanding her actions both here in this episode and later in S4, but it's also just an interesting distinction from a meta perspective that might deserve further musings. Hmm....

(Sidebar: RIP to that poor fic author who began their S2 fic with the note "I like to think Chloe would react better to Lucifer's Devil face than Linda did :)" because um... she did Not. And you really should've guessed that when just a glimpse of his Devil face out of the corner of her eye was enough to make her shoot him.)

Anyway it is now 11:20 and I have work in the morning. So cheers to a very sleepy Monday! :P At least I have a five day weekend coming up with Easter thanks to a mix of work holiday and vacation days. Catch you whenever I liveblog the next ep!

Not a normal post and you can ignore It just been told I should wright things down so basically a report on my mental health I guess  what’s going on medical wise at the moment and a vent like thing cuz again been told to

Bro I hate hate having to feel cringe or like have someone think I’m emo in a loser way cuz I say something like my mind is shattered or i feel empty or fuck or I laughed and sounded like the fucking joker

Like bro I’m not even try to I swear I just have a hard time trying to explain how I’m feeling or my mental state so only things I can think to say to explain is shit that sounds cringe or make me look like I’m trying to be cool

And the fucking fact that I laugh when it becomes to much some time

Been told it’s because i cope with things with humor which is common is

But others don’t know that so I must look so fucking cringe laughing fucking joker style sometimes in tears (again not on purpose)

And realize recently people probably think that shit to the way I stare off eyes stuck looking at one spot or some times I’m just stuck in general

I don’t fully know why I do this I recently said something about it again more in detail in front of my physical therapist and they said i should really look into that actually

I’ve mentioned this stuff before, but I don’t know if I say it correctly or some thing but now everybody (medical wise aka physical therapist and normal therapist ) are freaking out and taking it Seriously encouraging me to see a doctor pacifically a neurologist, I think they said which I am, but I still think it’s more so my anxiety, causing me to do that 

They are thinking it’s staring spells maybe or certain kind of seizure which I don’t think it’s that but I was happy, knowing I’m not crazy for thinking it might be that because I’ve heard similar stuff to it and thought maybe but I didn’t want to overexaggerate so i denied possibility before even looking into it

I basically have a meltdown during my therapy session I’m actually doing this a hour or so, after the fact right now idk my concept of time is bad

Started talking about how I get told to do this or that  and I keep saying it i already do or it doesn’t work and mostly every time I’ve already tried it, or been doing it on my own. I’ve tried so many things sometimes before I was even asked 

( I keep getting lost so I’m just start another sentence thing)

But after this, I literally felt like no one understood a word I said, because even after this, my mom was going on giving the me advice again 

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like no one hears or understands half the time I poured my heart out, basically had a fucking meltdown, and nothing came across. Absolutely nothing. Mom  just started giving me advice about the very thing i had a melt down about  she didn’t understand anything even after all of that

And started bringing up religion about how that would also help

And that’s literally one of my triggers

I literally love my mom so much but omg i just want to cry so fucking hard

literally after all of that nobody heard anything nothing

I don’t know what to do

I’m going to stop i can’t think rn to finish i just want to cry

MUNCHFLIX - HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS

IMDB BLURB: Two college friends unwittingly release Pinhead and his minions.

WARNINGS: gore, bad sex scene, incest, violence towards sex workers, implied baby murder, REALLY bad SFX. Some gore and sexxor-type stuff included under the cut.

RATING: one pinhead out of wish.com

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: So we're here with Dib and some tequila that only Biscuits is having because I'm already stoned and Dib is sober and we're gonna watch fuckin' Hellraiser Revelations.

Biscuits: I haven't seen this so I have no idea what I'm getting into and my opening thoughts are I made too much fucking margarita. I'm not a drunk in real life, I promise. These reviews are like, the only time I have alcohol

Dib: This movie is bad, I've seen this though.

B: Is this a found footage movie? I fucking hate found footage.

Dib: Yesn't.

B: I really hate found footage.

M: The opening bit is two random dudes putting the camera one inch from their face talking about their cool ass Mexico roadtrip.

Yes, the found footage parts of the movie do actually look this bad, on God.

B: Dumb sex crazed college kids fuck with something evil, yadda yadda yadda

Dib: Sudden cut! First nipples of the movie.

M: One of the kids has a Lament Configuration and he's doing some shit and oh no it's Peenhead.

B: The camera is literally out of focus every other second. i cannot even see whats happening. And now the found footage is over and some woman is watching the footage. The dialogue is...amazing.

Dib: This is like the best the dialogue gets honestly.

M: Now random family people. Who are they? Who knows!

B: Neighbours? I don't know. Fuck this lady for being sad about her dead or presumed dead son! Also why is their 16 year old daughter at the table during their adult get together?

Dib: She's an adult I think.

M: It's missing dude's girlfriend. Acting. Girlfriend is gonna go get the found footage movie that mom just suddenly had and find out what happened to her boyfriend. She sees them drinking in Mexico. Tequila is the best buzz?

B: HELL YEAH BROTHER!

Dib: There's also some not so subtle racism.

D: These guys didn't even take one semester of Spanish. That guy kinda looks like Jerma.

M: One of the dudes is fucking someone in Mexico, his girlfriend is watching the found footage and is very sad about seeing her boyfriend cheat.

Dib: Is this how sex??

M: Sure.

D: I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure he's humping the drywall.

Is this sex?

M: And now the dudebros gotta leave because uh...

B: This dude literally acting like he just killed her. ...Oh.

M: He literally killed her. It was an ‘accident’ I guess but dudebro boyfriend is freaking. Which one is her brother?

B: I don't know. Jerma is making a lot of sense here honestly, go tell the cops and shit.

M: Oh and the Lament Configuration just CONVENIENTLY made it back with the footage in his backpack.

B: These people talk like Oblivion NPCs.

M: Back with the family or families who are very sad about dudebro NotJerma and his disappearance. They don't understand. Maybe girlfriend Emma broke up with him.

B: Why is Emma's shirt like, tits out.

M: I don't know. She's supposed to be a teenager(?) surrounded by adults, it's a bit creepy.

Dib: She's like the sister of one of the dudes and the girlfriend of Jerma? (It’s the other way around actually) The acting is worse than I remember.

M: HOW??? So Jerma showed back up suddenly at the family gathering. Literally out of thin air. He's having a seizure on the couch.

Dib: There's no around and the phone is dead. Suddenly out of the corner of your eye you spot him....Great Value Pinhead.

B: Where is my son?? Where IS HE? Of course these rich white people live in the middle of nowhere. Nobody knows where NotJerma is and now the dads are fiiiiiiighting. How do these people come to blows so fast???

M: That's what living off the grid does to you.

B: These ppl are all on copious amounts of cocaine.

M: Why didn't the cars work again?

Dib: They're all gone. Pinhead had to go to Taco Bell

(cue laughter as "pinhead" shows up on the screen )

Look at this dude.

B: No guns for you Peter, you're drunk. Jerma is still dying on the couch, this guy kinda looks like bootleg George Clooney. Like they bought George Clooney off Wish. And Pinhead too.

M: Pinhead is uh....flaying some guy? And putting more nails into his face.

Dib: That's actually relevant to the plot.

M: I hate to agree with you but insofar as there is a plot....it is.

Dib: Oh they're doing plot. Emma opened the box again like a dumbshit.

M: She's obviously never seen a Hellraiser movie. Hello?? DEMONS? And everything is blue, his house, his car, his demons.

B: You're combining Halsey and Eiffel 65

M: I can do whatever i want, you're half drunk. Jerma is gone!

Dib: No he's just outside looking at the pool.

M: Jerma tells everyone about the cenobites, and they're like oh, okay.

Dib: Flashback again! back in Mexico

B: That stripper is wearing a lot of clothing.

Dib: Well she's gotta take something off!

B: I think your friend might be a psychopath, Jerma. This weird guy, i guess the vagrant from Jerma's story shows up and speaks perfect English.

M: He's got a box, and of course NotJerma is ALL IN because its gotta be cooler than murder and sex.

Dib: This vagrant is the only person who can act

M: You call that acting??

Dib: The bar is very low okay....

B: He is putting his all into it. Really glad vagrant was there to give us all this exposition. Jerma's face is my entire mood. I feel like the greeks already had a story about this wholevnot opening a box thing. You have to be sweaty and shirtless to open the box.

This man owes $1,502,284,265 dollars to Twitch chat.

M: Jerma's friend is a fucking douchecanoe. He's like well I fucked and murdered people and now I'm opening a hellbox but you're a pussy. Also we need to make a home movie of this.

Dib: This movie is only like an hour long and it feels so much longer.

B; This movie looks so bad. It looks SO cheap. It's like on the level of a Neil Breen movie.

M: That's an insult to Neil Breen.

Dib: The budget for this movie was 300,000 usd

M: What the hell did they spend it on?

B: Jerma's having a bad day.

M: He's drunk and getting picked up by a prostitute.

Dib: I like how they made Tijuana look like an absolute shithole.

B: How far into this movie are we? WE GOT NIPPLES.

M: And now a pointless sex scene again.

B: Jerma's gotta be so drunk he couldn't even get it up.

Dib: Now Jerma's murdering people because his friend in his head told him to. Oh there he is.

M: They don't explain this at all. Brother Dude suddenly pops up all fleshless from inside the bed where Jerma killed the prostitute.

B: How does this look worse than the original made 25 years ago? Why are there so many weird scenes with all this tension between these two dads??? Emma looks up the definition of cenobite.

Dib: Totally in Miriam Webster

M: It is though, it's a term for a member of a religious order. Clive Barker didn't make it up. Jerma back in real time spews nonsense about cenobites and then has a dream about having his face cut off by Chatterer with boobs

B: Dads come in to comfort Jerma. I didn't know George Clooney was Jerma's dad.

M: He looks more like other guys dad. We have no names for anyone, I don't even know asshole kid's name.

B: Nico?

Dib: Back to Emma who apparently knows everything about the Lament somehow.

B: she bites her lip sexily.

Dib: Stop seducing your friend's dad, Emma, its a bit sus.

B: GOD MOM, I can't even seduce my friend's dad!

M: Oh no, the incest. Jerma has been brought soup by Emma and now he's finally awake and all randy.

Very good soup.

Dib: Help me, stepbrother, I'm stuck!

M: I am not putting incest porn in here. Jerma drinks soup sexily. And tells Emma, who is his SISTER how awesome she is and how he got her the Lament configuration. Why has nobody just fucking asked Jerma where he was??

B: I love how there's no soup in that bowl.

M: Emma helps him uh, finish his soup. Now he's gotta touch her all creepy like.

B: Jerma's under evil cenobite influence

Dib: Well no...it's like...I can't really say anything.

B: Did asshole dude steal Jerma's skin and is pretending to be him?

M: Wow you figured that out really fast

B: Well it's not that hard to get.

M: Emma let the brother incest going on for far too long before she was like OH WAIT THIS IS BAD

B: Now the dad is playing with the Lament, why doesn't he get all horny and weird when he touches it

Dib: Emma takes a nap, worn out from all the incest

M: Drunk dads go into the woods with shotguns. they take 10 steps into the woods and Hark, a vagrant. The same guy from Mexico.

B: Why did Wish Chris Pratt suddenly develop a new york accent?

M: I guess PrattDad shot at the vagrant but now the vagrant is cutting his face off. It looks great.

Just kinda wiggle the knife back and forth a little; it’s just like peeling an orange.

B: That's a fine chunk of face meat.

M: Now PrattDad is back inside and he's bleeding and shit I guess the vagrant said something about the plot. PrattDad's makeup injuries do not match the giant chunk of face meat we saw

B: Clooney dad is like - I can't deal with this nonsense. Oh no, Jerma has a shotgun. He's fine now.

Dib: This is the climax of the movie, I think

M: I think so. Jerma shoots his dad, Clooneydad. Now both dads are dying. Jerma is doing all of this because he hates his angsty teen life. Come on, my guy.

Dib: Actual Jerma would've been a better actor. This guy is just every edgy high schooler I went to school with. How you make a one hour movie feel like a marathon. More flashbacks because we gotta get more blood for my meat friend in my mattress. How does he afford all this?

M: Hell powers.

B: *chokes on margarita* wtf did I just witness? That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Dib: I could do better special effects with 15 minutes and a Little Caesar's Hot n Ready. Meat Hoodie Man.

M: This is a much nicer place than he took the last prostitute to. Why does Jerma have to do the killing? Make Douchecanoe do it. He's the one who needs the flesh. Jerma has a whole crisis because the prostitute has a baby but Nico don't care, he'll eat a baby.

B: Just run, Jerma, run far away. Kill the baby, that's a cool edgy thing to do in a horror movie. Hey Griffin, kill the baby. Now Nico looks a little better fx wise but his head is way too big.

Dib: You're a horrible person! You made me kill people and you're literally a meat dude right now.

B: Jerma is the only even remotely sensible person in this movie.

M: JermaNico is telling everyone all this I guess while threatening them with a shotgun and everyone is just like okay sure. Also even if you stole someone's skin you wouldn't look at all like them. You'd still have your underlying bone structure and shit. Clooneydad, despite being disemboweled with a shotgun, is still alive. Prattdad died from some facial cuts.

Dib: this guy is so edgy.

M: JermaNico is now demanding the box from Emma who says she doesn't have it.

Dib: But she's about to do some epic trolling

B: That moon is so bad. Also we learn that Clooneydad fucked JermaNico's friend's mom? Anyways this is weird. And irrelevant. How is Clooneydad still alive?

I cannot overstate how awful the fake wound looks.

M: Mom asks the first revelant question in an hour. Where is actual Jerma???

Dib: The movie's only an hour long.

B: Why are you like this? Thats a really relevant question.

M: Omfg JermaNico, Jerma literally murdered ppl to help you and you still bag on him. JermaNico is gonna trade everybody left alive to the cenobites for his soul or whatever because that will totally work.

Dib: But Emma stabs him a couple times. He demands Emma open the box. How is this plan gonna work?

B: Your plan has some major flaws my dude. Everything is blue again.

M: CENOBITE TIME. The Lament this time has to like bust a move to open and close.

Dib: Oh there's StevenJerma. He's a cenobite now.

M: The cenobites are so bad. They apparently don't give a shit about a deal, they're just gonna kill everybody for no reason because yanno.

B: The fx are SO bad. *keeps laughing* The dialogue. Why is pinhead yellow??

Pinhead, but with jaundice?

M: You think they could afford lighting?? Now JermaNico is getting all hurt and shit. I'm not sure what the point of any of this is.

Dib: Clooneydad is about to make a huge mistake and shoots JermaNico with the shotgun, very stupid move.

M: Now GreatValue Pinhead is giving a speech and like...they could've altered his voice or like,....anything to help him seem menacing but it's just so bad. He just looks and sounds so stupid. Pinhead continues killing people for no reason.

Dib: This is not how Pinhead rolls.

M: No, there were rules, or some sort of code.

B: this guy is...too expressive. Is that wrong? Doug Bradley was always very stoic and cold as Pinhead this guy keeps tilting his head and stuff and trying to emote a little but not a lot.

M: Clooneydad finally dies, and Emma is gonna open the box again. She has done this like five times. She has learned nothing.

B: Oh and that's the last shot of the movie I guess. Closing...thoughts?

M: No.

B: Ok, fair enough.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

disturbed

Summary: leaving the woods did nothing to keep the darkness from following you home.

Word Count: 6.6k

Warning: demon!Bucky Barnes x reader, DARK, non con/ dub con smut, side of Steve Rogers x reader, drinking, gaslighting, demonic spirit, possessive, seizure, possession of a person, crying kink, sharp teeth, manhandling, fingering, painful stretch, penetration, overstimulation

You are responsible for your own media consumption. Please take a moment to review my warnings. If you are sensitive to any of my warnings, do not continue.

"Steve, not out here!" You swatted at his hands from their place underneath your shirt while breaking the bruising kiss. His hands fell to your hips, his lips falling in a pout as he groaned into your neck. "What if someone sees?"

"Come on, baby. Who's going to see?" He encouraged, taking a look around at the trees surrounding the two of you.

"Someone. I don't know." You shrugged your shoulders, biting your bottom lip as you played with the collar of his shirt.

He cupped the back of your neck, pulling you into another soft kiss. A reassuring one. "You're worried about nothing. There's no one out her- What was that?!" His head shot around to check around you again.

You felt your heart leap, your hold on him growing a little tighter. If there really was someone there, there was no way he was leaving you behind.

"Steve..." You looked around with wide eyes as if you could see much of anything in the dark. You were wondering why you even allowed him to talk you into a walk this late and out in the middle of nowhere. Damn you for wanting some alone time. "What do you see?"

What was he hearing that you weren't? What was he seeing?

His hands tightened on your hips again. "I- I don't know. It sounded almost like..."

As if your eyes could not get any wider. "Like what?!"

He turned his head back to look at you. "Like you begging for me to let you come while I fuck you against this tree." His lips turned into a smirk, attacking your neck in kisses.

You immediately punched his arm, scowling at him as you pushed him away. You wiggled free from his arms. "You're such an asshole." You scowled.

Steve threw his head back with a laugh, following behind you as you marched down the trail. "You should have seen your face!"

You glanced over your shoulder at him with narrow eyes. "You're sick, you know that?" Your skirt moved in the breeze as you went on down the trail you had just followed to get here. You could only hope you were going in the right direction considering it was too dark to tell exact where you were.

"Oh come on, I'm just having a little fun. Lighten up." He laughed as he lingered just behind you.

"I have a half a mind to kick your ass right now. Do you even know where we are?" You glanced around. "God, am I even going to right way?" You let out a stiff laugh.

His large hand grabbed yours, pulling you to a stop and into his hard frame. His soft lips kissed along your neck. "You really wanna head back already?"

You didn't, but you also didn't want to wonder much further from the cabin.

"We have one more night. Don't you wanna make the most of it?" Steve trailed kisses up your neck until he reached your cheek. His hand pushed underneath your skirt further with every kiss.

"Steve..." You bit down on your bottom lip.

His fingers grazed over the wet spot on panties, teasing your aching clit. "You're soaked, baby. Don't you want me to take care of this?"

You hummed, leaning back in his arms. It was tempting. You dreaded the thought of going back to the crowded cabin with the rest of your friends already drunk and annoying.

Steve glanced around, doing a double take when he noticed an old run down cabin just beyond some trees. A smirk came his lips from the idea that quickly came to mind. "We could always go in there?" He suggested.

"What?" You whirled around until your eyes finally landed on the same cabin Steve had in mind. "The cabin? I think you've seriously lost your mind." You laughed slightly, tilting your head back to look at him.

"You're right. I have. I blame it on lack of you." He confessed. You gigged at his comment, crossing your arms over your chest. "Just think, you can be as loud as you want. It's just an old empty house." He rubbed your sides.

"Steve, I don't think you've seen enough horror movies. That's exactly how the horny couples usually die."

He rolled his eyes. "I think you've seen too many horror movies. Who's gonna be waiting in there?"

You thought for a moment. Anyone. Anything. It was an old cabin for crying out loud. There was no telling what was on the other side of that door.

"Casper the friendly ghost?" Steve teased.

You give him a scowl.

"Live a little." Steve sighed, turning you around to face him. He cupped your face in his hands and pressing a long kiss to yours. A mix between his kiss and the drinks fogged your mind. "I'll check the entire house if that will make you happy."

You stared up at him, trying to push away the consideration of even going in the old cabin but what was to come when you went back and the ache between your thighs kept you lingering. Steve watched you with eager eyes as he awaited your answer.

You knew this had to be one of the dumbest things you would agree too. Not only did you not know what could be on the inside, but you were not even sure how sturdy the house still was.

"Fine." You gave in. You blamed the alcohol for the sudden courage, for without it, you would have been pulling Steve by his ear back to your friends.

Steve broke out into a grin, pressing a quick kiss to your lips before pulling you with him to the run down home.

The step creaked with each step. Steve turned on the door knob only to find the door jammed shut. He struggled with the door giving it a tug to try again.

A sudden chill come over you as you waited on the porch behind Steve. He shivered before pushing against the door with his weight.

"Steve, maybe we should just-"

He rammed his shoulder against the door hard before the door flew open, nearly causing him to fall on his face. He caught himself with his hands.

"Got it." Steve chuckled while dusting himself off. "Stay here. I'll go check the house."

You grabbed his arm before he could step fully into the house. "Steve-"

"I'll be right back, I promise. Just stay right here." He assured you before shaking off your hand and wondering into the empty house.

You crossed your arms over your chest, rubbing your arms to warm them back up. It was odd how low the temperature dropped outside in such a short period of time. You stood on the porch listening to Steve's footsteps get further away.

You picked at your thin sweater as you waited. Any day now, Steve. A few minutes passed. The cabin couldn't be that big. What could be taking so long?

You peeked your head in the doorway, glancing around the dark hall. "Steve?"

The house was quiet, not even the sound of footsteps. An unease feeling creeped over you.

"Steve, what's taking so long?" You called out, but once again the house was silent.

You were gonna hurt him if this was another one of those jump scares. You could see your breath at this point from how low the temperature had suddenly dropped. You stood on the porch until you couldn't anymore.

He was so lucky you loved him or else you would have been halfway back to your own cabin by now. You sighed in defeat, finally stepping into the house to get out of the cold. There wasn't much of a difference in the house, but it was better than being outside alone.

"Steve?" You moved cautiously down the hallway, the floor creaking with every careful step.

It was too quiet. Where the fuck was he?

You jumped when door slammed shut behind you. Could it have been the wind? There was no way. You thought for sure Steve had broken the door. You stood trembling in the hall from a mix of fear and the cold until you heard footsteps above you on the second floor.

"You know I'm gonna have to start undressing myself at this point." You giggled, quickly starting up the steps to the old stairs. Surely they were safe. Why hadn't he answered you?

"Steven, it's not funny anymore." You crossed the hall into the room you had heard the steps from, freezing in the doorway when you saw him. Not Steve, but a man. His hair was short and dark. He stood across the room from you with his back to you as he faced the bedroom window.

You took a step back, mentally cursing when the floor creaked. By the time you looked back at him his eyes were locked straight ahead on you. Dark. That was the best way to describe him. From the clothings he was wearing, to the look in his eyes. He looked around the same age as you. You wanted to move, to run out of the house; to hell with Steve, he could find his own way back now, but his eyes held you in place.

The lump in your throat thickened as he stepped toward you. A dark mist fell over the bedroom. Every hair on your arms stood from the intensity of his stare, but yet you couldn't manage to get your feet moving. You tried to scream, but it felt lodged in your throat the closer he got to you.

"There you are. I thought I told you to stay outside." Steve's voice broke the trance you were in. Your back hit the door as you gasp for air when the environment went back to normal. Or as normal as it could get. "What are you doing up here?"

You threw your arms around Steve's neck, hugging him tight. A part of you thought to wrap your hands around his neck, but you were too relieved to see him. He chuckled, wrapping his own arms around your waist.

"I didn't even hear you come in. I was worried when I didn't see you-"

"I thought you were up here. I heard someone walking.. " Your voice cracked in the crook of his neck as you trailed off. "Can we just go back?"

"Go back? What's wrong?" He frowned at the feeling of your racing heart. He cupped your face in his hands. "Baby, take a deep breath for me. Why are you crying?"

You shook your head swiftly, wiping the tears you had realized you cried. "There was a man." You motioned toward the window.

"There's no one here. What are you talking about?"

"I saw him! He was right there, Steven!" You pointed towards the window again. "Looking out that window."

"Look, we've both had a little bit to drink-"

"No!" You interrupted, pushing him away from you.. "Don't do that. Don't- I know I've been drinking but I can assure you I've never seen random men when I'm tipsy- I don't- I don't know-" You started rambling in a panic. You knew you sounded crazy, but you needed him to believe.

Steve nodded his head with a frown, wrapping his arms around you again to pull you in a hug. "It's okay, baby. It's okay." He pressed a comforting kiss to the top of your head. "Come on. Let's go back."

--

You glanced over at Steve sound asleep beside you. You were jealous how easily he could sleep, especially tonight. Maybe you were crazy. Maybe your mind had been playing with you. Steve was there just like you were and yet you were the only one who saw him.

A shiver went down your spine just from the thought of him. His eyes. You could have sworn they were almost black. Seeing him did not scare you near as much as the hold he had on you. You thought back to being frozen in place. Wanting to run, but your feet wouldn't budge. Wanting to scream, but your throat was dry. What scared you the most was feeling completely helpless in his presence.

You sighed, trying to focus on the book in your hands. It was one of your favorites. One you knew did just the trick to get your mind off of things. And it had, for a few hours.

He would let you have your peace for a moment. Let you believe you had gotten rid of him, but he was still there. He had never left. He just lingered in the shadows; waiting, watching. Leaving the woods did nothing to keep the darkness from following you home.

It was well past midnight when you started to drift off, your eyes fluttering to fight the sleep that slumbered over you. It was not exactly what you wanted, but maybe, you thought, it was what you needed.

The wooden door swung up to the cabin, welcoming you inside the familiar home. You looked around the hallway, instantly remembering how you once walked this hallways just a few hours ago. You were still in one of Steve's shirt and your underwear that you had fallen asleep in.

But you were not entirely sure if you were actually dreaming. You wanted to believe you were, but this dream did not feel even close to the rest. It felt real.

You were reliving the chain events that had happened earlier. Your feet carried you up the stairs to the bedroom as you had before.

There he stood waiting.

"Who are you?" You spoke before you could stop yourself.

He did not speak, nor did he move. You wondered if maybe he heard you. You could see his reflection in the window he was staring out.

"What do you want?" You tried again.

You could see his slight smirk in the reflection.

"You disturb my peace, and you ask what I want?" His voice caught you off guard. A response wasn't what you had expected. If you were being completely honestly, you had expected something like all the other horror movies; a silly run away due to the inability to run in your dreams and then you would scare yourself awake.

He turned around slowly to face you. "Is that what you think this is?"

What? You tilted your head slightly in curious. "What?"

"A dream." He answered. His hands in his pocket while stepping towards you as he had earlier.

"This is a dream."

Your back hit the wall behind you when he suddenly appeared in front of you.

"Is it?" He challenged your assumption.

You gasped when his long cool fingers wrapped around your throat, forcing you to look at him. His fingers squeezed enough to take your breath away, your feet thrashing against him to break free from his hold. Your lungs were burning from lack of air, to the point you weren't sure if this was still a dream.

Your fingers tried to pull at his from your neck, but his hold only seemed to get tighter. He pushed you to the point of giving out before he gave you life again, releasing just enough to get air back in your lungs but not enough to let you out of his hold.

You gasped for air, collecting as much air as possible as if would be taken away from you again. He watched you gasping, your tears wetting your eyes as you gained your breath back.

"Is this still a dream?"

And with that, he dropped you. Your feet could not catch you in time to keep yourself from falling. He squatted down to get eye level with you.

You sobbed when your eyes met his black ones. You had never seen anything like his eyes. There was no white left to his eyes. They were nothing but pitch black.

"You-" You held your throat where he once held you, rubbing the bruising irritated skin. " You're not real."

He pulled you to your feet without lifting a finger. He raised an eyebrow suddenly. "Run."

"W-What?" You choked on your tears. This felt more real than dream you had before.

"You say you can't run in dreams, so run."

You stared at him for a moment, determining whether or not it was safe to run. Why did you care so much what happened? Soon you would be waking up. You always did. You would wake up, right?

You took a test step before taking off in a run down the hall. You hauled ass away from him, running as fast as your feet could take you. Wait- your legs are always jelly in any dream you had ever had, but you were actually running. Your eyes got wide, pushing yourself to run faster towards the door. If you could just get out of the house, maybe he would leave you be.

Until he appeared in front of you. His tall large body knocking you down as soon as you collided with him.

"I'm sorry!" The tears started to fall. "We didn't mean to disturb you- I-I'm so sorry. I won't come here again!" You started to crawl to get some distance between the two of you, but it didn't matter.

He dragged you right back to him without laying a hand on you. You broke out in a sob. "Please- God, please, I'm sorry!"

He tilted his head slightly as he watched you cry. For a moment, you started to actually believe he was taking pity on you.

His body flickered from his stand to on his knee before you. He cupped your chin in his hand and you flinched.

"Stupid girl. God can't help you." He grinned. "It doesn't matter where you are, I'm everywhere."

Your body jolted from the bed abruptly and you panted, holding onto your chest.

Steve quickly sat up in the bed beside you, wrapping his arm around you and rubbing his hand against your back in circles. "Hey, hey. You're okay. It's okay..."

You took a deep breath when you realized you were still in bed. It was only a dream. How did it feel so real? You didn't care at this point, as long as it was over. But why were your lungs burning so much? Maybe you had held your breath when you were sleeping.

You were quiet, still holding onto Steve's arm wrapped around your chest and leaning into his hold. He glanced down at you to see if you might have fallen asleep, but you were wide awake.

"Must have been a hell of a dream. You're shaking..." He pointed out.

He pulled you back down in the bed with him, wrapping the covers over you and smoothing them down.

"I don't want to sleep right now." You mumbled.

"You don't have too." He assured, wrapping his arms around your waist again underneath the covers to pull you back in his arms. "We can lay here and talk if you want. Do you wanna talk about it? Sometimes talking about it actually helps you realize how silly some dreams actually are."

But it wasn't silly, to say the least. No amount of explaining made you believe it would make things better. You didn't want Steve to know you were still tore up about the cabin.

You shook your head, nuzzling your head into his chest and inhaling his warm scent. "It was just a stupid dream." You tried to convince yourself.

He nodded his head, pressing a kiss to your temple. "Whatever it was, it seemed to really upset you. I just hope you know it's not real."

You hoped not. You couldn't imagine if it had been real, but a part of you wasn't fully convinced.

You kept your head on his bare chest, tracing shapes against it with your fingers. The room was quiet aside from your breathing. You sighed, finally lifting your head to look at Steve.

His eyes met yours curiously, wondering what you were thinking. That was the thing. You didn't want to think. You needed a distraction.

You leaned in, catching him by surprise when your lips touched his but he was quick to kiss you back. Your lips moved with his in sync, your hand falling farther underneath the covers to find him hard. You squeezed him through his boxers.

He parted from the kiss with a groan. "Someone's eager." He chuckled.

You wrapped an arm around his neck with a smile, pulling him back down to you. "Please." You practically pleaded for his touch. "I don't wanna think right now."

He smiled against your lips, rolling you over onto your back while he hovered over your body. His large hand pushed underneath your long shirt to feel beneath. His long fingers rubbing over your breasts, grasping and twiddling with your nipples until they hardened.

His mouth moved down your neck to your chest, sucking on your hardened nipples and rolling his tongue around them teasingly. You knew you had to be quiet to keep from waking the rest. Even if the cabin was huge, the walls were still thin.

You moaned quietly, feeling his mouth trailing wet kisses down your stomach. You opened your eyes, your hand cupping your own breast and playing with your nipple as you watched.

You noticed a flicker out the corner of your eye. Your breath hitched when you saw him in the corner of the room. No, no, no- focus Y/n. You just had a dramatic dream, of course your mind is messing with you. You closed your eyes as you let Steve proceed to touch you, his fingers rubbing you through your panties.

"You can close your eyes, but I'm still here."

No, you're not. He's not real. None of this is real. You reminded yourself.

You didn't hear anymore, only felt Steve's pulling you out of your thoughts once more with his fingers. You fluttered your eyes open to meet Steve's, his eyes watching you as his fingers pushed underneath your panties to feel you. You bit your bottom lip, peeking over at the corner again but he was gone.

Your hands fell to his blonde hair, running your fingers through it as his fingers rolled around your clit. "Steve..."

He didn't like that too much. "You'd do well to learn my name." You heard Steve below. What was he going on about?

"Steven?" You flutter your eyes open to see him moving up your body.

He grabbed your chin roughly. "Bucky." His voice was dark and firm as he corrected you. Who?

You noticed the white of his eyes clouding over, darkening until the white was no longer present. You screamed, pushing away from him immediately as his body started violently shaking, seizing. You kicked against the sheets, pushing yourself as far away from him as possible. You cried out as you huddle up against the headboard, covering your face with your hands.

"Open your eyes, doll. Look at me. Look at what we've done."

"No- no! I didn't go anything- this isn't real!" You cried.

"Lies. Everything I do is for you."

You shook your head. Tears were falling hysterically when his laughter filled your head.

The door swung open, but you couldn't bring yourself to open your eyes. Not when you heard one of your friends on the phone with 911. Not even when you felt another pull you into their arms.

--

You couldn't help to feel like this was all your fault. Sure it was Steve's stupid idea, but you were the one stupid enough to agree. If your judgement had not been so clouded, you could have say no and he would have followed. You could be on your way back home from your so called vacation, but here you sat beside his hospital bed.

You took in the sight of your unconscious boyfriend hooked to multiple tubing and IVs. You had barely seen or heard from Bucky, but then again you weren't sleeping much either. Since he had only seemed to come to you when you were alone, you made sure you were always around people. It was exhausting to keep up.

You could feel tears stinging your eyes while the sound of the ventilator filled the room. You lay your head down on the bed, crying quietly to yourself as you held onto his hand in yours.

Steve had never had a history of seizures. The doctors could not explain what went wrong and as much as you wanted to tell them about the cabin, you figured you were safer keeping your mouth shut. Besides who would believe you.

The doctor couldn't tell you when he might open his eyes, or when and if he would breath on his own again.

It was like this for days. You spent every last second at the hospital, even if you knew it was likely he would not open his eyes or talk to you.

Your head laid tiredly down on the bed with your small hand over Steve's. You could only imagine how ridiculous the bags underneath your eyes were by now.

You lifted your head when you heard the click of the door opening. It was the nurse coming to get his IVs.

She smiled at you gently while she checked his machine, jotting down some numbers for record.

"Do you think he's getting any better?" You asked out of curiosity.

She finished writing down some more numbers before she flipped through his charts, comparing each day's progress before answering. "He's been consistent."

You didn't have to ask anymore to nothing had changed. He was holding on just enough to keep him alive.

You sighed, resting your head back down on the bed with a yawn. All the crying you had been doing didn't help matters either.

"Have you been sleeping any?" She asked curiously while checking his IV. "I don't mean to be nosey. I just wanted to check on you. I never see you leave him."

"Hardly." You mumbled.

She gave a sympathetic look and you looked down at your lap, picking at your finger.

"I think the best thing you can do for Steven right now is to take care of yourself. I don't know him, but don't you think that's what he would want?"

You sat in silence for a moment, glancing up at him. You frowned at the sight of the tube in his mouth and you hung your head. "He would." You nodded. "You're right."

"We're gonna be running some tests today. I think it would be good for you to get out. Take a walk, grab some food, catch up on sleep. Hospitals can really take a toll on people."

It had taken a toll on you. Despite what you were going through, the environment was enough to keep anyone down. It was always grumpy, or even chaotic depending on the day. So you agreed to take her advice and thanked her for everything she has done for him.

You waited until after she left to gather up your belongings.

--

You carried the bag of takeout inside as you pushed the door to your apartment open. You looked around cautiously as you shut the door behind you, but nothing happened. The apartment looked just as you had left it before your vacation.

You sat your bags by door before hauling your takeout over to the counter. You took a seat at the counter, unboxing your meal before dining on your food.

It had been a moment since things were this peaceful. You were starting to wonder if maybe all of this had been in your head considering you had yet to see Bucky. Not that you wanted to see him, but a part of you had expected him. He always seemed to come when you were alone.

You swirled some noodles around your fork, bringing them to your lips for a bite. You could hardly remember the last time you ate an actual meal. It had been since your vacation in the cabin. You had snacked a little at the hospital, whatever was in the vending machines. Whatever you got was usually stale. It felt good to warm your belly.

Bucky watched you in silence as you ate. You couldn't see him, but he had already seen you. He knew you were conflicted to believe whether or not he was gone. You were slightly smarter than he had exactly. Maybe you weren't as naive as he thought.

You had lasted longer than any other person who stepped foot in his cabin. You would be surprised how many couples had the exact idea Steve had when staying in that cabin. A walk in the woods to get away from the rest of the gang. Coming across his cabin and thinking nothing more of it than making it their own fuck stop.

Few actually made it out of his cabin, but none usually made it through the night. Served them right to think so low of his home. It served them right for disturbing his peace.

But you, he didn't know what to think about you. Poor thing, you were always thinking. Always alert. Smart enough not to be alone for long, until now. You had finally cracked. He could easily do whatever he wanted now, but he wouldn't. He would wait. You would sleep eventually, not those naps you always took, but sleep would finally claim you and as would he.

He had already taken the one other person in your life keeping you from him, but now it was just you. Nothing in the way of him staking his claim.

Bucky observes as you closed up the rest of your take out before took it away in the fridge for later. As if you thought there might be one.

He followed behind you towards the bathroom where you had started a warm shower for yourself. You glanced over through the doorway where he stood as you stripped yourself from your shirt and he tilted his head as he leaned against the frame. You weren't staring at him, more like past him. You felt unease but you didn't have much of an answer for the feeling. There was nothing there, but a part could feel there was.

You let the shirt fall into the floor before the rest of your closets followed. You stood underneath the water, letting the water pour over your head, washing your worries away.

Bucky wondered how much longer you last. There wasn't much more time until your body would shut itself down just for you to finally rest.

You shut off the water after you gave yourself a thorough wash. You patted yourself dry with the towel before you dressed yourself in a pair of short and a t-shirt.

You were practically a walking zombie, your brain numb to everything over than the desire to sleep. You sat with your phone in your hand, taking a moment to set another alarm.

Bucky stiffened a laugh.

After double checking to make sure the volume was all the way up, you place the phone on the charge beside your bed. You wiggled under the cozy top blanket to get comfortable.

It didn't take long. In fact, as soon as your eyes fall shut you fell through.

Time's up.

You gasped when your back landed on a firmer mattress. You knew better than to believe it was your own. You knew better than to believe you were sleeping, especially when you suddenly felt wide awake. As if you never needed sleep.

You took a look around at the room and tried to force down the tears.

The run down cabin you and Steve had paid a visit was bright with lights. The hard wood floor were polished and there wasn't a spec of dust in sight. You sat up on the bed, clenching the sheets in your hands.

"I was wondering when you'd tire yourself out." His voice made your heart skip a beat. He stood at the window like he had when you first seen him. His clothes were still black, but his pale skin was now fair complexed. "You're a fighter. I gave you that."

Your eyes remained locked on him as he circled the bed to make his way to you. His eyes were a steel blue eye rather than the black they were before. You quickly started to crawl across the bed, trying to flee him but he grabbed ahold of your ankles, pulling you back to him.

"Let me go!" You yelled, kicking at him until he pinned you with his hips. It would be too easy to use his power. He loved the fight you put up. It reminded him of the challenge you were.

His fingers wrapping around your throat as he tilted your head up. His face buried in the crook of your neck, inhaling your sweet scent. You were so intoxicating.

"I was starting to think I'd never have you." He teases as the corner of his mouth turned up as his lips traced over your neck. "But now that I do-"

"You never will." You assured him, nearly choking to get the words out.

"Doesn't seem that way." He reminded, his long tongue tracing over the lobe of your ear, grazing with his sharp teeth and you whimpered. "Seems like I have you right where I want you." You felt his hand disappearing into your shorts as he lifted his head up to see you.

"Don't go quiet now. We're just getting started."

His skilled fingers grazed over your clit, a smug smirk rising to his lip when the juices started to coat his fingers. "I don't know why you try. You're already getting wet, doll."

He pushed through your folds, smearing your juices until his thick fingers pushed inside of you. Your walls instantly sucking on his fingers as he slide them in and out of you slowly, massaging your clit. "Oh, she's so desperate for attention. I suppose I have cockblocked you long enough."

"Fuck you." You choked out, trying to keep yourself cry. You were embarrassed how easy it was to take control of your body. Fuck, his fingers were hitting so deep. How could anyone's fingers hit that deep? You could only hope your alarm was seconds away from going off.

"Fuck, you're squeezing my fingers. I don't know how you're going to take my cock. We'll just have to make it fit." He assured as his fingers massaged your velvet walls as he squeezed in a third finger, easing them in and out of you as you cried out instantly. You could only imagine how much thicker he was compared to his fingers. "I wouldn't worry too much about that alarm."

"I-It's gonna go off soon..." You gasped. Any fucking second now would be good. You were trying to bite your tongue, trying your damnedest to avoid letting him know he had any effect on you, but the feeling was too much.

He smirked as he pressed kisses along your jaw. "I'm sure it will, doll, but we'll still be here."

He's lying. No, your alarm was gonna wake you up in a minute.

He dragged your shorts down your legs with your panties. His fingers still penetrating your eager cunt. You sobbed as his lips ghosted over yours, distracting you as he lowered his pants. His lips were warm against yours, his hand returned to grip your neck when you tried to turn your head.

The head of his cock quickly pressed against your entrance after he pulled his fingers from you. "Bucky, no- ah!" You cried out with a yelp when his hips snapped quickly into yours, pushing his thick length inside of you.

His mouth swallowed your cries, kissing your lips firmly. For someone who's touching was once cold, everything about him felt warm. You could feel your walls stretching to take more of him. His cock felt endless. You didn't think the stretch would ever end, until he finally bottomed up.

"Bucky, you're too big- It's too much!"

"You can take it."

Your legs squeezed around him as your hands on his chest, gripping onto his shirt. He moved his hips back until the tip aligned with your stretched hole again and he pushed back inside of you swiftly before you had time to think about it. He just wanted to fuck all of those thoughts you had about him out of your head. That was okay though, he was fill them with thoughts of the new life you would have with him. His hips pushed yours into the mattress over and over with every brutal thrust as your head fell back with a cry.

The feeling in your stomach built the closer he pushed you to the edge. You gripped onto the sheets on the bed beside you. You could not stop the orgasm that took over your body. It embarrassed you how he had basically just started and you were already cumming around him.

"Cumming already?" He mocks and your blush deepens. Your walls clenched tight around his cock, your juices starting to leak down his length. "Oh.. that's so good. I bet your little Stevie couldn't do that. So fucking good. Again." He demands, picking up the pace of his powerful thrusts.

Oh fuck. He had never been about to let him know that, especially after what he did to him. "You disgust me." You spit.

He grabs your jaw. "Does talking about your pathetic boyfriend hurt your feelings? Does it hurt you to know he's just like every other Tom, Dick, and Harry. He wasn't the first dumbass who thought they'd get laid in the wood."

Your hands pushed on his hips like you thought you stood a chance getting him out of you. Just like you stood much of a chance when he let himself inside. "Now here you are. Molded into my perfect little fucktoy."

"I'm not-"

His hips snapped against yours hard, the tip kissing your cervics. Reminding you just how deep he was. You let your head fall back with a loud whimper.

"Is that why you're taking my cock so perfect?"

You were so sensitive from your last orgasm and already fluttering so dangerously close to your second. Damn it, come on. Where was the alarm? You had not expected to be sleep this long.

You could feel yourself starting to fall apart again. Your legs shaking around him as you came for the second time.

"Wake up. Wake up. Wake- up." You sob to yourself, tears streaming down your face. Your hands gripped onto his wrists as he gripped onto your neck while forcing your hips down on his lengthy girth.

"I told you, you won't hear it." He forced you to look at him. "You're home now."

--

Present Day

The dark mist falls over the apartment, slowly leading up to the bedroom. The TV in the corner of the room turns itself on suddenly.

"In other news, a young woman, Y/n Y/l/n, is missing. Police have determined it has been several days. She was last seen coming home, though none of neighbors had seen her leave her apartment since. Police did state when they had searched the apartment, the young woman must had previously set an alarm on her phone. Nothing seems to be taken from the apartment, only the person missing. Description of the missing person is to the right of the screen." The reporter pointed while pointing towards the photo of you on the screen along with your description.

"If anyone has any information on her whereabouts, please contact your local police department."

The mist slowly starts to clear up, and the tv shuts off.

What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out. 

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices. 

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make. 

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it! 

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up. 

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday. 

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same. 

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people. 

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful. 

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away. 

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you. 

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs. 

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight. 

Your Ass Is Out of This World (Kelley x Reader)

Request: alex or kelley or sonnett x reader where they've been dating for a few years R is an astronaut for NASA and she gets to go to space

Author’s Note: Special thanks to @literaryhedgehog​ cause without her, none of this would have happened. 

Kelley wasn’t quite sure how she had ended up standing next to a dive bar sipping a lukewarm beer on a Friday night. In her defense, Ali and Ashlyn had convinced her it would be fun and had promised to pay for the Uber rides both ways. It had been fun for a while, dancing with them to some old 70s songs on the light-up dance floor, but half an hour ago they had disappeared off into a hallway somewhere, and she had no intention of third-wheeling (she knew she should have convinced Alex to join them). But she also wasn’t going to leave without them, because she wasn’t convinced either of them were sober enough to take any kind of transportation safely (someone needed to be there to make sure they didn’t puke in someone’s car).

So here she was, standing by the bar waiting for her friends’ sexcapades to be over, nursing her drink. The clink of a glass settling in front of her caught her attention. She blinked at the bartender. “I didn’t order another one,” 

The man’s lips ticked up and he shrugged. “Lady on the end paid for it. Said you looked sad,” 

Kelley looked up, following the man’s eyes towards a woman standing a few seats down the bar from her. She was also standing alone but was dressed as though for a different event altogether. Kelley had embraced the 70s theme of the bar slightly, wearing a jumpsuit and a scarf around her head, but this woman had just thrown a white NASA shirt--like the one Kelley got for her little cousin at Target-- over a pair of black jeans. As she bobbed her head to the music she met Kelley’s eyes and smiled. 

Kelley took that as her invitation to approach. Kelley’s eyes traced her form, lingering on the white material. She didn’t know those came in adult sizes...

“You must be a star, I can't stop orbiting around you” Kelley smiled charmingly as she approached you, setting her beer on the bar beside you and settling in the seat to the left of yours. 

“I do believe I was the one to buy you the drink…” you said, your lips twitching as you tried to keep a serious expression. “Shouldn’t I be the one throwing pickup lines here?”

“You bought me the drink, so I get to be the one to woo you. I’m Kelley, are you from Mars? 'cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity.” Kelley said, wiggling her eyebrows at you, enjoying the light blush coloring your cheeks. 

“Oh my god,” you groaned, “that was terrible. I mean really good but absolutely awful.”

“At least I got you to smile, but you still haven’t told me your name.” Kelley laughed, taking a sip of her beer. She was prepared to lay on the horrible pick up lines for your entertainment. 

“I’m Y/n,” you said, putting down your drink and holding out your hand, “pleasure.”

“They call me the milky way...Pleasure You Can't Measure,” Kelley smiled, shaking your hand as you laughed and pulling you a little closer “Why look at the moon, if I can’t touch it? Why look at your lips, if I can't kiss them,” she said, winking so you knew she was completely joking. 

“How do you know so many of these?” You said, shaking your head in awe. “ All I know off the top of my head is ‘do you work for NASA? Because you’re out of this world!’”

“Ah, a magician never reveals her secrets,” Kelley whispered conspiratoryly, bringing her hand up to cover her lips. “but my team and I have definitely had flirt offs for bonding nights,” 

“Your team?” 

“Yeah, I play soccer for the US and Washington,” She shrugged as if it wasn’t a huge accomplishment. 

Your eyes widened and you nearly spat out your drink. “Didn’t they, like, just win a World Cup?” 

“Yeah, No biggie,” Kelley said, side-eyeing you as she took another sip. 

“No biggie?  I’m surprised you don’t have a swarm of paparazzi shadowing you, that’s incredible! Weren’t the USWNT like the most successful US team in soccer?’

“Hm, there’s not enough drama for them, but we don’t mind. How about you? What do you do beautiful?” Kelley hummed. 

“Oh. I work for NASA,” you said, gesturing at the shirt. “I can’t wait to bring some of those lines back to work.”

“What??” 

****

“So do they at least give you a good choice of flavors? So you don’t get bored and stuff?” Emily asked from across the table, licking her dripping I cream cone. 

When your girlfriend decided to introduce you to the team after their match against Colombia, you were quite surprised she had chosen an ice cream shop as a venue. But with how food motivated the youngins seemed, you realized how appropriate it was. 

“I mean,” you said, your spoon suspended in the air as you blinked at Emily, “ice cream isn’t the only thing we will eat. I’m going to be on the station for like 8 months. Ice cream is not a balanced diet.”

“But it’s the only one they sell in the stores. You don’t have to lie cause the veggie lovers are here,” The defender said, leaning across the table, as though it would prevent the rest of the table from hearing her. 

“Babe, you literally love most veggies too,” Lindsey rolled her eyes, using her thumb to wipe a spot of chocolate ice cream from Emily’s nose. 

“Actually, I heard they’re a pretty good selection of dehydrated fruits and veggies and MRE’s and Tortillas and stuff. Plus I get to take a few things from home…” You mumbled, leaning back. 

She couldn’t be serious right? There was no way she thought you were supposed to sustain yourself on horrible freeze-dried dairy products for that long. Not to mention, freeze-dried ‘astronaut’ products for the most part weren’t actually possible to bring to space, with how crumbly they are. You were more likely to eat actual ice cream on the space station (less chance for an errant crumb being inhaled or destroying an important piece of equipment) than that gift shop garbage. 

“Oh yeah, MRE sounds way more likely than just eating the stuff they literally label as being for astronauts…” Emily said, rolling her eyes. “What does that even stand for? ‘Must reject Emily?”

You opened your mouth to answer, eyebrows furrowed, only for Kelley to nudge you softly. 

“It’s not worth the fight babe, trust me. Not the brightest lighthouse if you know what I mean,” Your girlfriend made a swirling motion with her finger next to her temple. 

You leaned in closer so your lips were nearly touching her ear. “She’s not serious right?” 

“I never joke about ice cream,” Emily answered seriously. 

You blinked at her, looking to your girlfriend who just shrugged and raised her eyebrows. 

“I’m, I’m not sure if they have a flavor rotation system for ice cream flavors. We haven’t been… briefed on that yet,” you nodded seriously. 

…...

“Can you hear me?” Kelley said, tapping her fingers impatiently as your face appeared in the video call. 

“He- -utiful,” You smiled through the glitchy computer screen. Your waving was broken up like a bad claymation. You leaned in to make out the fuzzy figures standing behind your girlfriend, assuming she was at camp or something. 

Normal long distance sucked, but literally being off-planet really made things difficult. It wasn’t like Kelley could just text you when she missed you, or randomly call you when she missed you at 3 am. Sure, she could email and you made a tremendous effort to schedule calls once a month, but it was still incredibly difficult (and slightly weird that a NASA tech dude had to monitor each call to make sure the connection stayed up). And sometimes even the best video-calling technology had issues. Like today (when a giant satellite or piece of space trash would block the signal). 

“Are you hav- -un at -amp?” You asked, grabbing your floating water pouch pushing out a sip sized water drop. 

“Yeah, it’s great,” Kelley said, watching you munch on your water. When you first got on the station you sent her pictures of artwork you made out of different drops of colored water- specifically making a giant water ‘soccer ball’ for her. Then you tried to boop it around and ended up losing control, amusing all your crewmates who watched you trying not to run into too many walls. “We’re looking forward to playing against Brazil on Friday, should be brutal.” 

“We’re set to be ov- Florida on -day, so I’ll try and tune into the ga-. Catch a nice - view,” You nodded, wiggling your eyebrows (which looked more like you having a seizure due to how badly you were pixelated). 

While Kelley wasn’t entirely sure what you were saying, she went ahead and nodded. “Let me know what you think!”

“Wh- color -it are you w-ing? Y- look -uper s-xy in the -ue,” you said, floating up in a ‘draw me like one of your french girls’ pose. 

“You’re favorite one,” Kelley said, winking at you. 

“-es!!” You cheered “-ake p-ture -or -“ the screen flickered dangerously for a second. Before a wobbly picture returned. 

“Babe you’re breaking up, I can’t tell what you’re saying. Y/n. Are you there? UGh. I love you! We’ll talk soon.”

“-ove y- -oo” 

Kelley blew a slow kiss to her camera before she heard a deep voice saying “Sorry ma’am. The connection was lost. Y’all still have five minutes on your scheduled call- Want me to try calling again? See if the signal improves?”

“Yeah,” Kelley shifted, rubbing the bridge of her nose as typing sounds echoed through the speaker. How she was going to make it through four more months of this she had no idea. 

“What if like the ship was attacked by aliens or something,” Sonnett whispered from her left, staring at the blank screen with real trepidation. 

“Not possible ma’am,” she heard him laugh. “But I doubt I would have the right level of security clearance to know.”

“great.”

Kelley grabbed a pen and marked a day off the calendar hanging on her wall. So much for ‘phone call with Y/n.’ She sighed. Just a few months to go. 

****

Gravity fucking sucked. It was disorienting and heavy and made you sick to your stomach. Space station alums always talked about re-entry and how bad that was, but you thought sitting in a NASA hospital bed while your equilibrium readjusted was way worse than your fireball craft plummeting into the ocean. 

“This fucking sucks,” You groaned, again throwing your hand over to pull out the IV. You hated how hard it was to move (and how you actually had to hold up a cup of water to get a drink but that was beside the point). 

“Whoa babe, I know you’re a little out of it right now, but that has to stay in. Just try and relax for a little while,” Kelley said, grabbing your hand and kissing the back of your knuckles. 

You frowned at her through heavy-lidded eyes. “Don’t wanna be here. Wanna be home with you.” 

“I know, but you gotta stay here until the re-entry symptoms have worn off a little more,” She said again. She knew that you weren’t going to be 100% when you stepped out of the spacecraft, but she hadn’t expected you to be so out of it. You were sick to your stomach and entirely unable to walk without assistance. 

The doctors assured her that you would be fine (residual effects from not being in gravity for so long and the impact of the landing or whatever), but it was still difficult to watch. It didn’t help that you were a horrendous patient. 

“Just watch the game. The US is even in Blue,” Kelley tried to coax. Even she was beginning to grow restless. But you couldn’t leave until you could keep down solid foods. 

“I don’t want to watch. You’re not in it,” You said, grabbing the remote from her and turning the television off. Then you tried to set the remote in the air, but instead of hovering like it should have done, it dropped to the ground. 

“Alright, commander Y/l/n. It’s dinner time,” one of the NASA hospital nurses said, bringing in a tray for you. Kelley thanked them as they left since you were too dazed to think of it.  

“God this food sucks, I hate jello ” you grumbled, lifting the spoon in front of your face (fully expecting it to float so you could take your bite) and dropping it as you want to open the pudding packet instead. “I just want a big juicy cheeseburger. With bacon and onions and-“ You trailed off, your mouth watering at the thought. You hadn’t had proper food in 8 months, and it had been your major cravings food. 

“A side of diabetes” she scoffed, picking up the discarded remote and spoon, “And are you going to keep dropping things everywhere?” She asked, carefully filling a spoon with chocolate pudding and guiding it to your mouth. 

“Fuck Newton. Things are supposed to float,” 

****

You loved the soft skin behind Kelley’s ear. It was so smooth, and it always smelt like a mix of her perfume, shampoo, and something inherently Kelley. It was a bonus that your exploration of the area always sent a shiver down her spine. You ran your nose along the skin there, nibbling on her ear before moving down her neck. Leaving little kisses along your path. Kelley sighed, sleepily scratching your scalp and tilting her head to the side to encourage you to continue. 

“You,” Kelley said. “ I like you.”

“Hm, I’m glad. It would be kinda scary if you were doing this with someone you didn’t like,” you mumbled against her skin, unwilling to part with it for even a moment. Kelley giggled at the tickling sensation. How you still had so much energy after you had thoroughly worn her out getting… reacquainted she would never know.

 “But what do you like most. Tell me, babe,” You said, moving your lips a little lower, towards where her shoulder and neck met. 

“I love… your ass. It’s out of this world.” She said sleepily, reaching around to grab her favorite asset of yours. 

“Well, it has been,” You laughed, pulling away reluctantly so you could look her in the eyes. 

“Shut up you goof,” She rolled her eyes, grabbing a pillow and whacking you lightly. You fell over dramatically, pulling her so she was on top of you. 

“Hm, I’m your goof,” 

“Yeah. You are. And babe?” She smiled down at you, leaning down to press a kiss to your lips. 

“Hmm?” You hummed against her lips. She leaned back to look you in the eyes, one forearm across your chest and her other hand beside your head supporting her. 

“No more space travel for a while?” 

 “Pinky promise,” You said, wiggling your hand so your littlest finger connected with hers. 

“Good. I can’t believe I was dating someone from TEXAS for a while.” Kelley pretended to shudder. “Jus think, one of your coworkers might have been a Houston dash supporter!”

A Lifeguard's preach- please read

Okay, hi, welcome to my Ted talk. So surprise for some of you but I work as a lifeguard, and I have some things to say about my experience for the 2 years I've worked as one.

A lot of people have decided it's okay to crap on first responders lately, which is a subject I will lightly touch on. But pool lifeguards have been under-appreciated for a very long time. The pool I work at is like a mini-waterpark. We have slides, basketball hoops, a water playground, a lazy river (with tubes), an obstacle course, and concessions. Were not just your neighborhood pool, which means there are more dangers to look out for. Because you can tell yourself that things never happen, but that's a lie. Every day, things always happen.

So today I was walking my stand (grazing stands there called because you walk back and forth for 20 mins straight and then move to the next stand to do it all over again for another 20 mins. repeat that process for 2 hours on lazy river rotation). And this lady decided to sit right in the middle of where I'm walking. Now in lifeguarding, we have to keep a 10/20, which means 10 seconds to see someone and 20 seconds to get to them. And the zone I'm on is SCS which is the little kid playground, y'know, with TODDLERS AND BABIES EVERYWHERE. So in order to properly scan my zone and make sure none of these babies start choking on water, I ask her to move. And she looks at me and goes, "well you should have a sign there that says that." She moves, but did this lady seriously tell me that we should have a sign that says- "Please don't sit in the Lifeguards way. They are trying to make sure you and your child don't die." Like what?!

It's not just her, I alone have been disrespected so much on this job, it's stupid. I've had moms tell me to LEAVE MY ZONE and go get their kid because it will be my fault if they drown when the mother herself is on the other side of the lazy river. I've saved a boy and the mother said, "He was fine. I'm not filling out the paperwork, I just want to enjoy my last ten minutes here." Like, YOUR FUCKING WELCOME.

I am so sick of this. Do people don't even know the amount of training we do just to even work? I have at least 200 hours of training, and I don't even work the full year's cuz of school. It's not just CPR y'know? I know how to and train to handle Rescue-Breathing, seizures, chest compressions (yes, that is different from CRP), allergic reactions, heat stroke, burns, chemical burns (mostly for employees because we work with that stuff), Heimlich, Spinals (head, neck, and back injuries), eye trauma, and more. I, WE, may be no police officer or EMT, but we know our shit.

For working in general, while you're sitting in that cool water enjoying life. Where sitting there (or even worse, walking) in 2-hour rotations sweating our asses off. You can talk about those umbrellas we get on sitting stands all day BUT THEY DON'T DO CRAP. Because the sun MOVES in the sky. And most shifts are from 10:45 to 6:30, open to close. I have only worked 3 shifts that haven't been 7 or 8 hours long.

"What about lunch breaks?" well guess what, we don't get one! Every 2 hours we get 17 min breaks (15 guards on stand and 3 in break room at all times, that's how our rotation works) that could be interrupted at any moment because people don't drown on a schedule. My water bottle is broken (it leaks) from how many times I've thrown that thing when a long whistle goes off.

Just imagine, you're sitting there eating your well-deserved sandwich, slipping some water from your water bottle, chatting it up with the other guards. And then out of fucking nowhere- BRRRRRRRRRRRRR- *Hi this is adrenaline, I'm gonna turn all the way up now* "OH SHIT SOMEONE'S DROWNING FUCK FUCK FUCK-." And now you, your boss, and other 2 break guards are sprinting full speed across the pool deck trying not to trip over your own equipment. With your food and water bottle forgotten on the concrete of the guard-room floor. [It was a very sad day. I had ordered Jimmy Johns just for that...]

I have saved 8 people, all of them children. And every day, there are at least 2 saves, which means someone is drowning and a lifeguard has to jump in for them. Realistically though? There have been too many days for me to count where there were 8 or if not more saves. People take pool safety for granted, there fucking idiots who think that just because they're tall enough to go down the slide they can swim in the 12-foot deep catch pool. They think that they can go in the lazy river without a tube. Or that they don't need a lifejacket. Parents are idiots, who don't watch their children. In one of my saves, I watched a kid disappear underwater in front of me. One second they were above water and the next, just gone. It's not like the movies guys, there's no screaming or splashing. There's the weird doggy paddle, and then they stop making distance and are weirdly treading, and then they're gone. And then you have to pick out from the kids who are floating with their backs on the surface, the kids who pretend to drown for fun, and the adults who think it's okay to "test" the lifeguards.

Just today, within the first 20 mins of open we have a lady pass out. There's something horrifying about holding someone's limp body in your hands and them not waking up. Last year we had a lifeguard pass out from the heat on the lazy river. Just flop straight onto the pavement. In years past we had a woman have a heart attack on the deck. We kept her alive until EMS arrived but she died in the hospital 3 days later. There was another lady who busted her knee open and bled everywhere. Stuff always happens.

I make $10.86 an hour to save people's lives and get shit on while doing it. It's not everybody, I meet those parents who say, "Don't worry, I'll yell at them." Those kids whole actually put their tubes back and put back the tubes that everybody left right next to the corral. That one dude who filled up my water bottle with his water because, "I looked like I was melting and needed something good today". Those girls who say I'm pretty despite all my scaring and me having short hair (yes I have gotten judged for being a girl and having short hair). But most of the time, we are ignored and looked down upon.

Trust me, we don't mind small talk. Or making jokes, telling stories. We just want to be appreciated. And I just don't feel that most of the time. My bosses have been amazing to me, and they are one of the only reasons I come to work with a smile on my face. But above all that, I just want to fulfill the childhood-old dream of being a hero. Of saving a life. I know I'm not quite suited out for firefighting or EMT's or policing.

But I'm still doing it. And I would like for others to just see me, instead of yelling at me for saving their child's life.

30 Days of Pride: Day Twenty Seven

inclusivity every day - your experience

IN THIS HOUSE WE BELIEVE IN INCLUSIVITY OR BUST

Listen. The only privileged groups you could even apply to me are that I am American, I have lived with my biological married parents throughout my childhood, and that I am [trans] male. I’m black. I’m physically disabled. I’m poor. I’m transgender. I’m gay. I’m neurodivergent. I’m chronically ill. I come from a family full of addiction, mental illness, and domestic violence. I come from a family where both sides have unique experiences with racism and extreme poverty. I come from a family that shattered and made itself whole again.

Being mixed race allowed me to see uniquely into how various race politics played out just with my family members and how I was treated by society around me. The feeling of never belonging to any race yet belonging to several has never left me. Not to go all ~tragic mulatto~ or anything but I was absolutely rejected by my black peers and many black family members for being part white, while also rejected by my white peers and disowned by my white family members for being part black. Completely divorced from my Native ancestry outside of being told it was there and occasionally getting scraps from those who knew their time left on this earth was growing short.

I’m neurodivergent, but my family was privileged enough to afford good mental health care and medical care and my mother specialized in education for children with complex requirements and so I was kept out of Special Ed and was fully integrated throughout my schooling. This did not win me any favors with others who had similar developmental disorders but did not have the access to these same resources as I had, nor did it make my socializing any easier constantly being the weird kid that stood out for their different brain structure.

I’m physically disabled, but invisibly so, thus it was always a fight to get what I needed. To be allowed to take my seizure medication to school with me. To convince a doctor that I genuinely needed help. To stop fucking failing gym class and get someone to take me seriously when I said I felt like I couldn’t breathe before I fainted in the middle of running a mile again.

I’m poor, but I’m in a much better situation that I was previously, and thanks to my parents’ upbringing they taught me how to manage money and how to fix financial issues (provided enough is being brought in, in the first place) to the point where I’m actually able to save some money.

I’m gay, but due to being transgender, there’s a lot of outside-looking-in feelings that conflicts with my ability to seek out and build relationships with men. The last few years have been very healing in this regard, and I am now able to be much more confident in my romantic life, whereas before it was... difficult, to say the least. Not because of a lack of support from my partner(s), but because I was not yet ready to address certain vulnerabilities I had that would be exposed and available for him to see should a relationship progress past a certain point. It’s not like anyone gets a manual on how to be gay... and if there was one, it’s not like trans men are invited to read it, either.

I have always sort of existed on an in-between line. The intersection of the various ways a person can be marginalized has almost guaranteed that to be my life. It is only recently that I have become more willing to walk that line with confidence rather than apologizing for my existence. And it’s because of that that my stance on being as inclusive as possible remains to be so.

Everyone has a place at my table. There is no identity that singlehandedly makes you a good or a bad person. Only your actions, or inactions, and the way you live your life. So long as you are doing your best, there will always be a chair for you.

I’ve been kept out of enough communities. I won’t keep you out of mine.

I promise.

honestly, my fury at the lack of werewolf culture/history/worldbuilding is worthy of its own post. Let me know if by some ungodly chance, you actually wanna hear my thoughts on it // Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

ohmygod yes, pls, enable me.

SO.

I think I mentioned b4 that Teen Wolf hates werewolves.

This is a show about werewolves like, yeah, sure, they do other plots and stuff. But the main character is a werewolf. The vast majority of the cast are werewolves (at least in the first half of the show). But think about it. What do we actually know about werewolves? They uhh, they shift on the full moon. But like, what about the full moon? Cus’ Scott gets handcuffed to a radiator and he doesn’t shift and break out until the moon comes out from behind the clouds and he screams like it’s excruciatingly painful for him. But then Derek and his Betas are underground during their full moon, and they shift like it’s all fine and dandy (they’re furious, but there’s no pain) and it doesn’t matter whether they can see the moon or not. They, uhh, they’re allergic to wolfsbane/it’s poisonous to them (btw it’s poisonous to literally everyone, just the scent of it is enough to cause seizures and hallucinations in humans. It’s a whole other frustration that they won’t make up their fucking minds abt it. It’s one thing to say that this is some parallel universe where wolfsbane doesn’t poison humans (bc lydia makes them hallucinate with the punch but injesting that much wolfsbane should kill you, and Stiles straight pulls a plant out of the ground; should’ve caused itching, burning, a cough, nausea, fever, headache and More hallucinations) and yet Jackson has to see a doctor and gets told he’s got Aconite Poisoning. So WHAT IS THE TRUTH?) but apparently not enough for Derek not to be able to plant a wolfsbane plant and massive cord of roots (which he would’ve had to tie together himself) in a revenge spiral around Laura’s body. But just being around it causes wolves to lose control. But also there’s supposed to be different strains that do different things? And also sometimes you burn the wolfsbane and it becomes the cure, or you have to burn it out of them or you just cut it out of them? Make UP Your MIND or at least ACKNOWLEDGE that different strains do different things. They get stronger on a full moon. But does that mean they get infinitely stronger with every full moon they experience? Does that mean they get weaker during new moons? They’re stronger in packs. Okay, but they never establish what the fuck a pack is. Is it an agreement? Is it a magical bond? Scott just sort of says people are in his pack. Does that mean they are? Do the humans he knows make him stronger? Just how strong is this bond? Derek makes a claim that “You have your own pack now” so is that a joke, was he mocking scott? Or is he saying that there’s no need for an Alpha and just being a beta with some friends counts as a pack? Apparently they have some kind of...animal magnetism or mind control? Derek uses a funny voice and a guy wakes up from a near coma to look at him with seemingly no control. Peter can force Scott to shift up. Derek forces Isaac to shift down. Derek has an insane amount of control over dogs and makes one lose its fucking mind from like a hundred feet away? Scott makes one calm down, but derek sends attack dogs running with their tails between their legs. Is it actual control or is it just a persuasion? Is it just intimidation? I haven’t even gotten to culture. You’re telling me that we get an entire episode of Allison discovering the entire story behind the Argent clan’s origins as werewolf hunters, why they started, how her name means Silver and apparently that’s where the entire myth of silver hurting werewolves comes from, but we don’t get to know anything about the first werewolves? Where they come from? If they’re a form of evolution or just straight magic or if it’s a curse or a gift from the gods? There’s an entire hidden werewolf population with packs all over the world, but somehow there’s literally no wolf culture? No moon worship? No specific terminology (Alpha, Beta, and Omega are terms used by a really fucking stupid biologist who studied frantic wolves in captivity and cast aspersions on the entire species. He’s been disproven a Thousand Times. NONE of that Alpha, Beta, Omega shit is right. Packs aren’t Hierarchies of Dominance. They’re families. They’re led by two wolves, yes, an “alpha pair” that’s literally JUST THE PARENTS. THE ‘BETAS’ ARE THEIR KIDS. This terminology makes sense if used by HUNTERS who consider werewolves to be mindless dumb animals. WHY THE FUCK would werewolves use it to DESCRIBE THEMSELVES?) besides the absolute minimum of ‘I caught a scent?’ Are you serious? Then there’s werewolf ages. Oh my god that was so fucking lazy. Saying that werewolves don’t age like humans, but that Cora is seventeen “by human standards” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I’ve seen theories that go so many different ways. The idea that Werewolves live really long lives because of the superhealing. The idea that they live really short lives because their healing just burns through their body really quickly. The idea that their lifespan is directly correlated to the amount of damage they take because they can only heal so much, so wolves who get hurt a lot age faster than wolves who don’t. There’s NO explanation! You’d think it might be an interesting point for Scott to find out that he’s gonna live to fucking 200 years old. (How old is Satomi again?) That sounds like something a Teenager would be daunted by. We see them make fun of Stiles a few times because he believes werewolf myths about silver, and then because he believes Peter when Peter tells him he lives in a series of underground caves. But like...why not? THESE ARE WEREWOLVES why did you just make them humans with extra facial hair? Where are the traditional mating rituals (or even the concept of a mate/life partner, can you imagine how interesting that would’ve been? If Scott found out Allison was his mate? Or if he suddenly had all these weird urges around her, like rubbing their foreheads together or cuddling her way too much or wanting to bring her food? That would’ve been fascinating and hilarious as subplots for their romance!) where are the full moon runs or pack get-togethers? Where are the aversions to perfumes or cologne? Where are literally any animal behaviors besides AGGRESSION? Where is the den-making? Can werewolves eat fast food or does the grease bug them? Talia was a famous Alpha bc she could full shift. Does anyone know why she could do that? “Evolution” is a bullshit answer, let’s be real. It’s shitty writing and it put Derek through so much more than he deserved. THEY ACCIDENTALLY ESTABLISHED that ALL HALES can full-shift! IT’s NOT EVOLUTION. It’s BIRTHRIGHT. Talia fullshifted. Peter full-shifted (though his was distorted into the monster thingy. That wasn’t anything like Deucalion’s shift. It was a FULL SHIFT) Laura could full shift bc she did it after she died. No other werewolves on the show turned into full wolves after death, even if they died with wolfsbane in their system? MALIA could full-shift into a coyote. LITERALLY EVERY HALE except Cora and that’s bc she got booted back to South America COuld FULL SHIFT (and it never happened after they lost all of their wolf powers, that coud’ve been an interesting plot if they didn’t FUCK IT UP.) But still there’s no explanation, or even just acknowledgement? You don’t have to spell it out for us, but at least SAY “Hey, so the Hale family is really powerful and all of us can full-shift. Not sure why, but it’s neat.) I’m still stuck on rituals. Routines. Werewolf mores. Social cues. Are there certain smells they’re supposed to ignore? Is it polite to pretend you don’t hear someone coming up to your house until they knock? Do they have rules about waiting until the Alpha eats before they start eating (much like how lots of traditional households wait for the father to dig in, or whoever is head of household)? Is it tradition to homeschool werewolves for the first few years until they learn control? Are there seriously no rules about biting humans? You don’t have to talk to their parents or have a specific conversation with them? And if werewolves are so dominance/hierarchy based, then you’re telling me there’s no “second-in-command” or respectful greetings that are supposed to be used for an Alpha? There’s absolutely no form of werewolf government or ancient laws or anything except a big spiral that is universally recognized as a sign you’re gonna kill people? What was the wolfsbane around Laura’s body for? Why make the spiral out of that instead of just drawing in the dirt or something? We make a lot of jokes about Derek being bad with his words, but so is Peter and so is Cora. And they’re the only born wolves we interact with (except Satomi who ALSO isn’t a chatterbox) What if that’s not just because they’re all traumatized and cranky? What if they’re just speaking on a different level? Scents and body language are integral to wolf interaction. Like how we say that Peter has that conversation with Derek’s eyebrows? What if Derek’s so fucking pissed all the time because he hates talking to Scott because SCott ISN”T LISTENING to his body language and scent and chemosignals? He tells Scott to use all his senses, and Scott does it fucking once to say that Peter felt “Angry” and never again. What if Derek is Talking PLENTY (with his body and movements and reactions) but Scott just isn’t paying attention? Isaac seems to understand Derek just fine. Erica and Boyd never complain that Derek is lying to them or ‘keeping something’ from them? What if the reason Scott always thinks Derek’s hiding something is because he isn’t reading the rest of Derek’s conversation and he assumes that the empty feeling is Derek lying. Even STILES seems to understand Derek. He’s human, but he goes totally wolfy. He already uses body language a lot and while he gets mad at Derek he never has to ask what the fuck derek is saying or what he’s holding back. I digress. I wanna know why no other packs came to help Derek and Laura after their family died. I wanna know why Emissaries and Druids are so incredibly important to the supernatural/werewolf world but Derek barely knew they existed (Especially when it’s established that he know tons of lore about other species.) and even though every single pack should have an emissary, they never handle who is the emissary for Derek’s pack or for Scott’s pack (Once again, is an emissary bound to their pack somehow or is it just an agreement?). I wanna know why Derek knew Satomi and trusted her but for some reason never felt like he could ask her for help? Centuries of hiding and living amongst humans with almost no wolf behavior to their name, but none of these packs interact? There’s Druid Vets and Hunter cops and Emissary counselors. But no werewolf doctors? No werewolf teachers? Absolutely no werewolf society? If Derek was worried about Paige not accepting that he was a werewolf unless she became one, what does that say about his experience with humans? He says “there were people in my family that were perfectly ordinary in that house” who died in the fire. But wouldn’t he talk to a human pack member about his worries, if he had one? Or even a bitten pack member? He admits he doesn’t know how to train a Bitten wolf. He’s never been called out by a human pack member for using phrases like ‘caught a scent’ or for reacting to things he shouldn’t. Does this mean Derek’s family was entirely werewolves? No humans in the know? No bitten wolves? He has a huge thing about keeping the secret and never letting anyone in on it unless they get dragged into it. Did Derek’s pack have some kind of prejudice against humans? Was Derek raised to believe humans were weak or cowardly or something, that he thought this beautiful girl would automatically hate him and expose him if she were to discover the supernatural without being forced into silence by self-preservation.

Lots of times, it’s easy to forget in this fandom that so much is missing, because we’ve been filling in the gaps for so long that some stuff is practically canon. It’s generally assumed that the Hales were homeschooled before high school. It’s generally assumed that there’s some kind of bond that marks people as pack. We instinctively add in mentions of Scent and the use of the shift (growling, claws, a hint of fang, flashing eyes) as part of the casual communication between characters. We add in scent-marking and territory boundaries and specific roles in the pack. We do all of that and never think twice because it’s already in all the fic. But we did that. The show gave us nothing. It spent an entire season talking about the nogitsune and the oni and how they’re summoned and what kitsune fox tails are for, but we never got to find out why wolves can do the pain-drain (or even if it dissipates the pain or just transfers it to the wolf doing the draining) or if Derek Hale EVEN HAS A DAD.

More of a real life ramble than anything else but...

This year has been weird. At the start of the year it did not look like it would be a good one. I’m not going to touch on shit like the Capital Riots, but more in light of the fact I had a goddamn seizure through my medication. That was theorized to be a result of me just being so stressed out over things like the pandemic, and the fact that at that point I’d been out of work since June 2020. Pandemic paranoia to some extent started to drop once both me and my grandma got vaccinated (I qualified pretty early due to the epilepsy; I actually got a weird look when I arrived for my appointment due to how young I am and then mentioned the epilepsy and got an understanding nod). The only good thing was with the Pandemic Unemployment Act for once I qualified for unemployment insurance (since my previous jobs had been contractor positions I didn’t which is BS), since it had been changed so that contractors/temps could qualify. None of my job applications seemed to be working, I was barely getting interviews, and it was just frustrating.

Then one day in March I get an email from an employment agency I’d sent my resume to in the past but never heard from. It was an email to ask me about if I would be interested in a two month temp contract to work at a small bank helping process PPP loans. I said yes, curious and frankly bored if nothing else. To be honest I wasn’t even entirely sure it was legitimate, since that does happen at times. That discussion went well, and I was then set up to do an actual interview with the bank the next morning.

I was given a verbal offer by the bank within five minutes of my interview. Two thirds of my interview was the HR person going over what my specific duties would be. I had the official offer letter in my email the following morning, did all sorts of paperwork, and by Friday of that week I was working at the bank (remotely). Did my one day training, and then started to process loans. 

So initially I was on one team, that dealt directly with applicants, and being supervised by someone from the credit division. It seems however, that I was not supposed to be on that team. To some extent it had been a matter of me getting some degree of experience (I assume), but I’d actually been supposed to be on the team run by the head of risk management that dealt with brokers rather than direct clients. My previous supervisor tried to convince HR not to move me in terms of teams (she was very satisfied with my work), even offering up another team member. HR said ‘no’ and the following week (my third week at the bank), I was now on the brokerage team.

Now for that first week my boss actually wasn’t there (he’d been on vacation), and I was under the supervision of the CFO. Lovely man, did enjoy working with him and I get along well with him. Made a few errors, but I picked up quickly what I was doing wrong and fixed it. Actually lead to the semi-irritating aspect of realizing some of the temps/interns who’d been there months still hadn’t picked up some of that shit...But next week my actual boss came back.

First thing Monday morning was a meeting with him. He’d gotten progress reports on me from both the prior supervisors and HR and had been pleased. I’d demonstrated that I could pick things up quickly and fix errors. I was also willing to reach out if I felt I was missing something or needed help. So I chat with him and make the off handed reference to how I was looking for full time, permanent employment. Didn’t really think much of saying it, more was as a forewarning that if I found something I’d take it and likely be leaving very quickly. He got a very interested look at his face, but at that moment didn’t say anything else. It made me wonder, and there had been a part of me already wondering that if I did good enough job with the loans if they’d keep me on long term. I figured though if that did happen, I wouldn’t be asked anything until basically the end of my two month contract. 

So here’s what I didn’t realize. My boss had recently convince the bank president to let him hire on an assistant/team member. Previously the bank president didn’t really believe him on just how overworked he was, but PPP (where everyone at the bank basically had to do it on top of their regular duties) made the president realize just how bad it was. So boss now has approval, but hadn’t yet been allowed to post the job.

And that’s apparently where I came in.

Again, I’d been getting praise, demonstrated interest in what my boss’s regular job was, and also had a skill set that could easily be transitioned to doing risk management (my background is in libraries/archives/information governance). I also proved over the course of that week I could easily handle the PPP workload and that again, I picked up new skills easily. I got along well with my boss, and did things also like give him heads up when I thought something was going weird.

So Friday of that week comes, and my boss, maybe a half an hour before my work day was over asks me the question I was not expecting. “What would your expected salary be for a full time position?” Again, I’m figuring even if heard something, I’d be hearing it closer to the end of my contract. Not barely a month into it. I spent the weekend figuring out the salary range I should ask for, asking my sister’s partner what he thought I should ask (he works risk management at a much larger bank but still had an idea on what I should ask for). Monday comes, I give the range, and from there my boss spends like the next two weeks practically chasing down the president to set things up.

Did have to do an ‘interview’ for the job with the CFO and my boss, but honestly the interview with my boss was mostly us chatting about random shit, and the meeting with CFO was more just verifying certain things (also he was nice and took the generous look at my previous work history as ‘they may just like doing short term jobs’ [I in fact very much do not]). A few days later I got my verbal job offer, and a few days after that my official letter. Part of why it took a bit was due to the temp contract and there were some things there apparently. But I now had a full time, perm job that gave me a salary I was very happy with and basically all the benefits I wanted (the only one I didn’t get is tuition reimbursement and I know HR is trying to convince the President and bank owner they should do it too; also I admittedly already have a Masters degree, but depending on how much I like this job [which I am] I may try to do either a Masters of Legal Studies or an MBA).

Part of also why was apparently due to PPP. They didn’t exactly want to transition me over to the permanent job until it was closer to over, which they expected to happen by late month. Then, as some of my may know, PPP ran out of funds faster than expected. My boss and I had chatted about it, but both of us were still expecting at least a week longer than what ended up happening. Which then lead to a different issue at that point; HR wasn’t quite ready for me to do all my paperwork stuff, but since they’d done my offer and the like what ended up happening was I was kept on the temp contract, but started my new duties. Also there was apparently a certain ‘we get hit by a fee’ thing there, if they took a temp ‘too soon’.

In a very technically sense there was still PPP stuff going on. They were starting to set up things like the forgiveness program, and dealing with applicants complaining over rejections or that they had applied and gotten nothing since the funds had run out (and there wasn’t much we could do there). However my boss didn’t want me doing that. He wanted me to focus on figuring out how to do my new job, which meant reading up on a bunch of stuff. Which was nice since I didn’t have to deal with applicant complaints, of which there were a lot.

So I started to transition over to doing risk stuff, learning, training and like experimenting with writing policies and procedural stuff (though looking back at that I still don’t really get why he was having me do that but whatever). He started me doing the real reason he’d hired me in June, doing IT due diligence reviews. The reviews on average take me at least a day and a half (there’s generally a lot of information and I have to read all of it and write up a report). First time I did one he assured me ‘don’t worry if you mess up, this is your first time’. Did it, spent a day or so paranoid, and then we had a meeting to discuss it. Apparently I did it perfectly which delighted him since it meant I could start doing it seriously.

And it’s just been nice. I’m working something I find interesting. I have a boss who  has the view of ‘work to live, not live to work’ which he views as an incredibly unhealthy mindset. Meaning if something comes up like say, visiting my parents and I’ve been able to do half days so I can get to their house, including this past Friday (thought that was also partially a result of how messed up public transit due to Ida but that’s a different matter); he actually said I could head out Thursday but since public transit was such a mess it wasn’t viable (my train line was down). Back during PPP the one broker kept annoying him by emailing/calling him at fuck o’clock and not respecting that it was after work hours. My boss also trusts me to attend things like meetings that are with senior management, and I suspect he’s starting to groom me to take over his position (especially based on a comment from last week).

It’s just very weird to realize this year started so shitty, showed no signs it would really get better and yet now all this. And it’s just really nice.

maggie lindemann & she/her / female ‷ watch out , lennox stone has crash-landed into roswell !! they look twenty-four years old and celebrate their birthday on october 30th . they are from dallas, texas, reside in tripp’s trailer park and are currently working as a photographer. one thing you should know about them is she can be very stubborn and intense. 

tw: death, foster care, mental illness, drugs, child abandonment, neglect, suicide, self harm, blood

Full Name: Eleanor ‘Lennox’ Stone

Age: 24

Birthday: October 30, 1996

Sexual Orientation: Pansexual

Pronouns: She/her

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

Siblings: Two brothers; 12 years old and 1 year old, from the family that wants to adopt her

Mental Illnesses: Bipolar II Disorder

Occupation: Bassist for Graveyard, freelance boudoir photographer

x

Eleanor Stone, who later renamed herself Lennox Stone, was born in Dallas, Texas to a drug addict. She was very clingy with her mother and had intense separation anxiety, likely due to her mother leaving her alone as early as five years old for one, sometimes two nights, in a row. When she was alone, she’d play the little keyboard in her bedroom, familiarizing herself with the notes eventually and teaching herself, later, to play keyboard. Ellie, her mother called her at that age, slept in her bed with her at night, and her mother believed that Ellie played the card really well of being ‘scared’ to do things by herself, when in actuality, Eleanor was scared. Did she sometimes manipulate because of that? Yes. But at her core was deeply ingrained fear that her mother would leave her forever. The only thing she knew about her father was that he was dead. She only found out in her young teenage years that he took his life, and was an alcoholic, after looking him up and meeting up with a living relative. 

One night, Eleanor’s mother had an accidental overdose and showed up with Eleanor at her side at the neighbor’s doorstep. Her mother proceeded to have a seizure right there, with the seven year old girl looking on. The neighbors called an ambulance and they arrived, a social worker meeting them at the hospital. Several calls to CPS had already been made due to strange behavior going on with Eleanor’s mother, and she’d seen people come in and question her mother. Nothing came of it then, but this was the final call. 

She believed for a long time that she was wrongly ripped from her mother at a young age, but it was only later that she came to have feelings of hate for her biological mother. Seven years old and withdrawn, she was mute for a year at her foster home. She said nothing to her foster mom, but would talk at school and to the therapists and to her foster dad. She manipulated him often, and ignored her new mom completely. Truthfully it was too painful to have a new mom. She told the therapist everything was fine. Nonetheless, her foster parents gave her up, and she went on to her second home at eight and a half years old. She stayed with them for three years. At nine, she would cut her wrists just to feel something. Her foster parents believed it was an act of manipulation, but it wasn’t at all. This time, she responded to therapy and stopped cutting her wrists for the most part, though she sometimes does even to this day when things are really bad. At ten, she had night terrors and would wake up screaming horrifically. She had moments where she would stare emptily, or just stop talking mid-sentence, and it scared both of her foster parents. Again, manipulation or acting--’faking’-- was suspected. She was later diagnosed with depression and reactive attachment disorder. 

At eleven, she got into her parents’ liquor cabinet and in a fit of rage smashed all the bottles, cutting her feet accidentally as she tried to leave the kitchen, and her parents found her, horrified, blood and glass all over the floor. She, luckily, didn’t have an infection when they rushed her to the hospital with nasty cuts and open wounds all over her feet and knees. 

She would scream out for her mom at night, and when her foster mom came to her side, Eleanor pushed her aside and screamed in her face. She said, “Fuck you! You aren’t my real mom!” They frequently cried at night, at wits end with this child who they had welcomed in their home who wouldn’t bond with them. They finally came to think that they weren’t suited to be her parents, and it was with a heavy heart that they stopped being her parents and she went on to the next home. 

Eleven and a half, she found a permanent home--well, permanent until she aged out of the foster system at sixteen, and decided instead of staying with them, she’d start her life somewhere else, and picked a random place. While the time lasted, anyway, it was for the first time that Eleanor was able to bond with a foster family. They had a cat that she loved and a baby boy. So, why, did they want her? Well, they told her---because they had lost a child a few years ago, and they felt something when they first saw Eleanor. They felt that they intensely wanted to give her a good home. 

She thrived with them for the first couple of years, getting involved in music, fine tuning her skills on the keyboard, and branching out to other instruments, feeling like she was finally good at something, even had a natural talent for it. 

She began getting into alcohol and smoking marijuana at fourteen. They found it in her room and questioned her about it, not upset at all, very gentle. It was due to their gentle parenting that she decided to quit what she herself even believed was acting out. At least in that way. She still went out at night a lot without telling anybody, just needing to escape. She would mostly walk by herself, but she had one good guy friend, Matthew, who would be awake whenever she called. Eleanor fell in love with him and he fell in love with her. They were together for two years. During that time span she had found out the truth about her father, that he had been an alcoholic and had ended his life. She had enough of Texas. Her parents assured her she had a place with them for as long as and whenever she wanted it, but she left without a proper goodbye. She called them a month later to let them know where she was. She was staying at a friend’s house (someone she’d met and partied with upon landing in Roswell--they knew each other a week before she moved from her motel into their apartment.) She and the other female quickly began a romance, full of drama. She began questioning a lot about herself. Playing around with her identity. Who she was. What she liked. What she believed. But mostly, she was reckless, restless, and impulsive. 

Seventeen, she changed her name unofficially from Eleanor to Lennox, left her girlfriend, and became apart of a group who were forming a band, moving back and forth from place to place. She’d become even more musical, and it had become a discipline for her, even; it was the one thing she felt like she was good at, and she took it seriously. It was and is really the only way she can express herself. And she loves the bass guitar, and can also play drums and piano. She felt like it was a good release for her anger. It was then that she found Cyrus, and the two formed a toxic relationship, almost always fighting. She had genuine feelings for him and probably still does, but the relationship wasn’t healthy in nearly any sort of way, and she didn’t feel she could handle that kind of thing anyway. Even though inside she hated being alone, felt this gaping hole in her heart when she was, that gaping hole didn’t take long--that emptiness didn’t take long--before it swallowed her whole again, even when she was right there in someone’s arms. Maybe the echoes of her childhood catching up with her?

She’s a tortured soul, feels like she’s lived way longer than her twenty-four years, and the “accidental deaths” that happened when the band was hanging around in mosh pits utterly ruined her. She beats herself up for it everyday, even if it couldn’t have been her fault. She still asks herself, is it my fault in someway, indirectly? She misses Cyrus. Now using music to get to him, even going off on her own and creating a hauntingly angry solo song that was leaked accidentally, showcasing her talent in a way that no one had quite seen before--who knew she could sing, or play the piano so well. And just when they’re working on creating their fifth album. But she was always known, even in childhood, to cause problems. And she did so in Graveyard. Frequently. Acting out, not showing up to meetings, or showing up late, or high. Lennox spends a lot of her days doing drugs and drinking alcohol, finds difficulty in getting through most days without them in some form, and she’s definitely rebellious, even aggressive at times. But underneath all of that is a scared inner child that actually feels things very deeply and loves intensely. In the past year she’s gotten into boudoir photography, and has found she’s decently good at it. She’s managed to accumulate clients, enough that she can afford living at the trailer park. Her foster family moved to Roswell a year ago, after their son was born (a happy surprise), after communicating with Lennox through phone calls and webcam for several years. They’ve just asked her if she’d be okay with them adopting her, even though it seems to her that it’s pointless at her age. Her sleep schedule is shit, as she often finds herself wandering around at night, not able to shut off her mind, thinking about running away and starting her life over someplace else. But she never does it. At least, not yet. The urge to run away in every area of her life is always so strong. 

A Cure for Insomnia CH.5

A scream shocks you out of your fuzzy thoughts. You look around and notice Connor sitting alert and looking like he wants to run down the hallway this very instant.

“Connor?” the head snaps to you immediately and before you can even question his presence in your home he jumps up and barks then walks in circles near the door.

Great a dog who has no sense of horror movie tropes. Since the scream did come from inside your house you should go find the person who made it and see what's wrong. Also maybe get clarification on why they're in your home. You aren't dead and are still in the same clothes so you figure you're alright around them. You follow Connor to where Toby is, in your kitchen staring out the window standing at a very odd angle. Like he caught himself before he fell backwards but hadn't bothered to get up.

“What's up....oh.” is all you can say as you see Chonk's head whip towards you and Connor before he books it for the tree line. Damn that fat raccoon can run fast, good to know if he ever wants to chase you down in the future. Which he might if you don't leave his slice of pizza out today.

“'oh' 'oh', that's all yo-you've got to say about a giant fuck-ing ra-mrrow- raccoon!?!” maybe thinking this guy was composed and unphased was a misconception, if seeing Chonk has put his world views in question.

“I mean he probably just eats a lot of pizza.” to put it simply you never gave much thought to the fat little trash thief, he was just fat and he existed. Visiting your home for the slice he deemed his every other week. Probably had other homes in Kepler he terrorized for the same reasons. God knows Leo would never put up with a raccoon trashing his store for his pizza. Or even his home for that matter.

“He's nearly half the size of Connor!” looking down towards Connor you tilt your head.

“Are we talking about with his legs or just his torso?” you could maybe see the size comparison with the dog's body but with his height it was a different matter all together.

Toby rolls his eyes before going and sitting down at the small breakfast table where he seemed to have found your fidget cube and had been well fidgeting with it. You take the seat opposite of him, it's weird having a guest over especially when you didn't invite them in. Well now that removes the chances of him being a vampire you suppose.

Perfect not a kidnapper, nor a vampire, and he's helped you out twice now. The two of you might well be on your way to becoming best friends. That is if he could get past this episode of yours.

“I still don't know what happened last night, but I'm done with the freak out.” you say as you idly pet Connor.

“...What?” he's squinting at you trying to get a read on how anyone bounces back from something like that so calmly in a matter of hours. Especially when he'd been checking up on you and Connor only to see you still staring off into space.

“Oh, uh... I have Autism. Isn't good for much but helps me rationalize events quicker and move past emotional and mental breakdowns pretty quick too.”

“Is that an Autism thing?” you shrug at his question as he jerks his shoulders forwards a few times.

“Probably more of a me thing, but I've read the trait tends to be more common in those of us who are neurodivergent.”

You hear a murmur of telling someone later later. Filing that away to take note of another day you stare at Toby who in turn stares back. This goes on for a bit, you couldn't even classify it as a staring contest since you are both still blinking occasionally. You aren't really sure if you should say 'thank you' first and then ask the man what he's doing in your home or wait for him to break the silence. But as you stare at Toby, into his eyes, you get the feeling this man is more of a zombie than anything else. The type to drag along and go at a snails pace rather than get into the messy bits in one go...ironic choice for comparison.

“Thank you for driving me home...but why are you still here?” you hear a huff of laughter?

“You weren't really in a position...” knuckles pop “to be left alone. What if you got back into your car again?” his eyes cut and there's a bit of bite to his words...it wasn't directed towards you, you can feel that much.

“Fair enough.” you glance at the stove and see the clock shine a little before six. “Would you like some breakfast” his neck snaps to the left triggering your own to snap as well, “or a ride home?” you finish asking.

“Can you make something for Connor too? Don't trust you behind the wheel yet.”

“Oh sure! What does he normally eat?” Perking up at the thought of the dog being off duty, that means actual pets!

“He-mrrow- normally gets oatmeal with some fruit or veg and anything raw I can find.” He finishes with a whistle for Connor's attention, and then a pointed finger flipping down in front of him. The dog trots over and sits down, while Toby takes off the vest you look through your cupboards to find the rolled oats you'd gotten as incentive to eat in the mornings before realizing you only liked them on certain days.

“So what does Tobias normally eat?” you call out as you look for some honey you know you threw in the cupboards.

“Anything really. I don't do slimy textures or anything watery.”

“Watery? Like soups?” Found a can of pumpkin, it's still in date too, perfect.

“Watery like...when you put too much water in oatmeal.” He nods when you silently show him the can of pumpkin asking if that'd be fine for his boy, who is sitting down drooling from his smiling face as Toby tussles his ears.

“Ahhh, thin watery got it.” You hear movement and a few grunts from Toby as you assume he tics, trying to ignore them so they won't trigger your own you look through the fridge. You suddenly take a deep breath, while looking for a meat in your fridge, and let out a shrill trill. Kinda sounds like a Togepi's cry from the cartoon. Shaking your head your eyes catch the eggs and turkey sausages you have.

“Will turkey sausage and eggs work for you two?”

“Never had turkey sausage but it should be fine.” he's leaning forward resting his head in his arms on the table as Connor lays by his bouncing feet.

You set the eye to medium heat and put the sausages on first, leaving three out for Connor. He is a big dog after all. You turned your focus on preparing Connor's oatmeal while the sausages cooked. It was kinda nice having company over even though the circumstances weren't the best. Your neck jerks to the side three times before pulling back. There's more on the way your neck didn't crack and your body doesn't let up until it does.

“So what disorder do you have?” You turn to give Toby a confused look you hope he can read through your mask.

“...I have a few..you want the list?”

“No, the tics. Lower level Tourettes or what?”

“Oh, they stem from my” head jerking twice to the side before cracking “there we go.” “Sorry, they stem from my Autism, at least that's the best I can gather without seeing a specialist. Virginia doctors suck big time.”

“Tell me about it.” that perks you right up, you knew you caught a transatlantic accent, it's pretty much the lack of an accent that gives Virginians away so easily. You already have two guesses on where Toby came from.

“I knew it, you're from Halifax aren't you?!” Since you've turned around to face him you see the exact moment his face drops. Eyes shocked wide open.

“How...did”

“Oh it's easy once you know what to listen for, in fact it was the total lack of any distinguishing accent or use of slang that gave you a way. A lot of people don't notice what they take from their communities linguistically speaking. And for us Virginians it's what we don't take. It's such a bland neutral midpoint it's why it had been so coveted during the radio era and while we might've lost the in-fluctuations as time went by, no longer needing them for our voices to be heard over various frequencies....am I talking too much you can tell me to shut up, really you won't hurt my feelings.” you give Toby a minute to process everything you've just said.

“Special interest?”

“mmm, more a...an interesting factoid.” you hope he registers your smile, hell you hope he doesn't think you're weird. You know how much you can be sometimes, especially when you info dump or overshare information. He manages to nod along with you before finding his voice again.

“Lemme guess NOVA?”

“Pfft, seriously.” you really need him to at least register the disgust on your face if he hasn't been able to read you before, “Listen the Beach isn't much better but I'd probably off myself if I was from NOVA.”

“A public service really.”

You both stare at each other before breaking into a fit of laughter. It's nothing huge but it does seem to put Toby more at ease you noticed. In the time it took you to make breakfast for all three of you you've found out a little bit more about Toby.

He's uncomfortable talking about his hometown, at least you assume, so instead he mentions that he recently came to town with his friends, Brian and Tim. Talks mostly about Connor and you learn he's to help alert Toby of his Tourettes when driving and he can even detect seizures with Brian. That's amazing, service dogs have sure come a long way! And you love hearing what a silly puppy Connor is off duty, it makes you smile. Toby in turn asks about you, and you are such a well of stories. You tell him about your family back on the coast, about your recent move to Kepler, give him a little info on Kepler to help him adjust to his stay, and even get on the topic of your extensive work with animals.

“Sounds like you were working towards being a trainer, why didn't you?”

Making a sound that sort of sounds like a jumbled 'I dunno', “Sort of don't like people that much. Dogs are fine, less complex and less likely to complain when you do something in a different way. But a trainer doesn't train the dog, they train the people.” You're placing Connor's food in front of him as he sits patiently.

It's quiet for a moment as you place a plate in front of Toby and set yours down as well. Not tense just quiet, it's very calming really. Until Toby ruins it.

“Thanks Connor.”

Like he's a voice actor who is over exaggerating the sound effects of a dog munching away at their bowl. Connor inhales harshly before diving head first into the bowl. The dog is ferociously tearing into his breakfast and you can't help the laughter that spills from you at his enthusiasm. Hands coming up near your face and shaking as you shift from foot to foot. It's a happy stim, cute dogs are of course a trigger, someone can complain later you're happy to see a happy excited pup any day.

Taking your seat and turning your attention to your food, you see Toby hasn't touched his own. He's staring at the plate with a furrowed brow, he glances up to you as you remove your mask. You feel a bit vulnerable to be honest.

“Oh is something wrong? Do you want something else?”  He's a guest who's helped you twice now the least you can do is make sure he leaves your home full.

It takes a moment but he gathers his thoughts to explain, “I have a scar...it's pretty bad.” he looks away from you.

You tilt your head not quiet understanding what he means, “Cool story, do you want me to look away?”

He stalls at this, you just keep throwing him for a loop since you met the other day. While he thinks on it you scoop some of your eggs on your spoon and into your mouth. Perfect texture and prefect flavor, today will be good.

Toby seems to have made his decision and without any show he takes his mask off to begin eating. You can see the scar he was talking about, and while the currently red and bleeding'?!' scar on the left corner of his mouth was bad it wasn't much compared to the gaping hole further up that side on his cheek. You can clearly see the even whiter, how this boy is so pale is beyond you, skin around the edges suggesting the wound was older and had started to heal at some point. But you could see most of the teeth on the left side of his mouth. You've never seen these teeth while they were still in the head. A skull or 3D model yea. But never a living breathing person's head. It's fascinating really, you hadn't even noticed that you finished your breakfast as you watched him eat, you were so enthralled.

“You know your lip's bleeding right?” eyes never leaving the boy's teeth as you see them grind down the eggs into the tiniest particles. Neat!

“Rwhatf?” the way he can talk with his mouth full without spilling it from the hole is fucking magic and you won't hear another word on it.

He takes a drink of water, again it doesn't spill. Then you notice the slight tilt of his head...oh he's had practice doing this. Impressive honestly.

“That's what you choose to comment on?” his eyes narrow at you're still gawking form.

“I'm sorry I've just never seen those type of teeth still in head, normally muscle and...and skin cover them. So this is really cool to see them in action!” gosh you're so damn weird. By his stupefied expression Toby seems to think so too.

“Plus the wound looks healed but the lips look fresh,” you get up and grab a few paper towels bringing them over to offer to Toby, “Not to mention it's bleeding and you haven't once wiped it.”

He doesn't reply as he takes the napkins from you and dabs at his scarred lip, looking back and seeing blood just as you said. He was right when he thought he'd been biting himself a few hours ago. He'd totally forgotten to check after getting you home.

“Well I don't feel it so I didn't know actually.” he just resumes eating as if this conversation didn't happen.

“Didn't, didn't, didn't” you get stuck in a loop for a bit before breaking out “you didn't feel it? What do you have congenital insensitivity to pain?” you ask incredulously.

“I haven't heard it called that since I got diagnosed.” still eating he looks at you through his long eyelashes.

This dude could not be a real person. You had to have been imagining your dream friend. Everything you learned about Toby was more interesting than the last...at least for you it was.

“Medical history podcasts are interesting.” you shrug, “should I get the first aid kit?” at his shrug you get up and go to your bathroom to retrieve the kit.

Coming back into the kitchen you catch Toby lowering your plates for Connor to lick clean. You don't see a problem with it but you will wash everything twice since the pup has slobbered on nearly everything anyway. When you don't say anything he lets Connor continue before placing the dishes in your sink.

“Such a big help” you say patting Connor's head as you pass him, “Yea I really am” Toby says as he sits back down. Propping his arm up on the table to rest his head on his knuckles, it was such a fluid and casual motion. As if he's sat at this table everyday of his life, like this was his home and you were his guest. Tied in with how comfy he is man spreading at your kitchen table you'd say he made himself at home just fine.

You smile and scoot your chair next to him first aid kit in between you on the table. Toby looks between you and the kit before leaning in closer for you to work. Grabbing the antiseptic cleaning towels you go to wipe Toby's lip when he flinches away. Probably faking to see your reaction.

“Oh, fuck off you have CIPA.” you laugh grabbing his chin to keep him in place. He rolls his eyes “And you're weird.” The vibrations feel weird against your fingers.

“I know.” you continue cleaning the small bite mark? Well he does have CIPA he wouldn't be able to feel the pain if he was gnawing at his lips. Would he be able to taste the metallic tang of his blood or were taste buds effected by the disorder too? You might need to do another deep dive on this, it just became relevant. Maybe an anxious tic, judging from the larger wound it could be possible. Wearing a mask must help to hide it but not not to stop it getting worse if no one can call you out on it.

“That wasn't an insult...” he says making you look up into his eyes as you dry the wound, “I know.” You smile down at him, knowing this time he can see it on your maskless face.

When you finished cleaning his wounded lips, you drove Toby and Connor back to their home. Which turned out to be the RV at the forgotten entrance of the forest. Toby had been a little wary you knew where he was talking about but seemed to shake it off just as quick when you mentioned hiking a lot and using that entrance because it was the closest to you.

He had put Connor's vest back on and hopped in the back with him. You noticed from the review that Connor's full attention was on you.

“This set up let's him focus on the driver, so he'll tell us if something will impede your driving.” Well that explains Brian's position the first time you four met.

Nodding you sync you phone with the car's bluetooth and pass it to Toby with spotify open.

“Rules of the road, passenger picks music.” you say simply when he questioned it.

He quickly clicked your last playlist. Probably either too lazy to find something or trying to get a better read on you. Music says a lot about a person even if not everyone thinks that way. And unfortunately for you this playlist screams mental illness and a need for therapy. But you have folk punk. So who needs therapy when you can just scream cry these lyrics.

Toby doesn't comment on it, either just totally apathetic or maybe he likes it. He's a bit of an enigma, he's open and honest for the most part but saves his opinions unless directly asked.

Even after making it to the RV without incident Toby tries to distract you for a bit and tempt you out of the car with the possibility of playing with Connor. As fun as the idea sounds and as much as you don't want to be rude, you're very tired and drained. Probably more from “hanging out” with Toby this morning than your actual episode last night. Plus you understand Toby's just trying to be nice and maybe ensure your safety.

“Could I maybe rain-check? I'm actually really tired.” you say with your most polite smile, though he can't see it through the mask  you know he sees the crinkle of your eyes.

“Sure, just get home safe.” you feel that's less about you, but you aren't sure what the hanging subject is. So cryptic.

“Yup,” you chirp, “See you later Tobias!” as you start to back out back onto the road you hear Toby say “ Later YN.”

Driving off you can't keep the smile off of your face. Toby's a nice guy, you hope you get to spend more time with him. And this time the thought isn't centered around also hanging out with Connor. Just about enjoying Toby's company.

Getting home and locking your door you strip your jeans and flannel, leaving you only in your muscle tee, and curl up in your unkempt sheets. You'll do laundry later, right now was time for a little nap.

So uh. It’s 4:17am and I know literally no one cares but I just finished watching Bo Burnham’s new special and like, holy shit. I have some Feelings. And this is my fucking tumblr so unfortunately anyone who follows me can and will be subjected to those Feelings. Apologies in advance. I blame my high school English teacher for this, who I had for freshmen, junior, and senior year, because that cunt made as analyze and pick apart not just books but documentaries, movies, and other pieces of media to such an extreme degree I still blame her for a lot of my academic burnout and inability to really engage with my college courses because what was the fucking point. If I could write the best paper in the class and still not get a full score when my classmates with less well written shit did because I ‘wasn’t reaching my full potential or putting in as much effort as required’ why should I bother. 

Off topic. I’ll put the rest under a cut to be vaguely courteous because this is going to be a lot of semi-organized rambling that I’m putting here mostly so I can stare at it in baffled, disgusted horror at ~2pm tomorrow when I go back and reread it. And then decide not to delete it anyway because hey, I don’t delete anything because I enjoy tormenting myself years down the road.

I grew up with Bo Burnham, yeah? I knew all the lyrics to New Math when I was in middle school and you can bet your ass I understood like, four verses at the time I first started singing it. And I remember the vivid pleasure of going through high school and hating math because I suck at it (ayooo failed out of Calc senior year first semester~ (they weren’t called semesters in hs they were some quarterly thing but I don’t fucking remember the right term)) and the absolute joy realizing how one of those verses were clever was brought me. Like, every time I understood a new verse in New Math it made my entire day so much better. 

And then the summer after my first year of college I, for some fucking reason I cannot fathom now, 20 year old me thought it was a brilliant idea to decide to watch What. with my parents while we ate dinner. I had seen What. before. I knew what the contents entailed. I was apparently 100% down to watch him pretend to jack off on stage while eating taco salad in the living room with both of my parents who were so closed mouthed about sex that I got literally my entire sexual education from fanfiction. 

And then my cat had a seizure literally right before that scene so fate helped me escape that hell for some reason, and yes, Siren was fine after a very scary night.

But like. Still. What the fuck, 20 year old me. Why did you set yourself up for the mortifying experience of watching a comedian mime jacking off while sitting next to your mother. Why. 

So anyway. Bo Burnham was peripherally a part of my life for a very long time. I’ve always really liked him. I wish he had made more vines while vine was still a thing because the ‘is there anything better than pussy’ one still cracks me tf up. 

I saw a post here at some point about how the new special made someone feel like they’d just watched his suicide note. And I didn’t take it seriously, because yeah, Make Happy got kinda serious and stressful there at the end but like? 

Maaaaan am I glad I watched Inside though, despite being vaguely concerned. I totally get where that person was coming from. It does kinda feel like that. At the same time though, I just have this feeling that Inside is going to be important. 

Here’s where I finally get to the actual fucking point of the post.

Collectively, entertainment media is desperately trying right now to figure out how the hell to handle the pandemic. Ignore it? Pretend all media now exists in a universe where the shitstorm of 2020 didn’t exist? Most of the ones that I’ve seen have gone down what I consider the absolute worst route, which is of course terrible fucking writing that kind of? addresses the pandemic and shit that went down, but like, with clunky dialogue and really bad jokes. I’m mostly talking about the Roseanne spinoff/sequel/whatever the fuck it’s considered, of which I watched half an episode of and then silently begged my fiance to let us leave his mother’s house because she was laughing at it and it was genuinely, horrifically painful. This is why I don’t watch tv anymore. 

ANYWAY. He never mentions it. Not once. There are plenty of really relevant things discussed and pointed out and I think one? mention of the actual year 2020 but beyond that. Nothing. And I feel like Inside might be one of the most genuine, visceral, real pieces of media portraying the pandemic that we, as an American society anyway, are going to come away from this all with. At least everyone in my own admittedly piss poor social circles has spent like last ~year and a half doing that social media thing where the more you post about how well you’re doing and great it all is, the more miserable and bad off you really are.

(Yes, that is how I judge my ‘friends’’ relationships on facebook. The more pictures/posts/tagged shit/social media demonstrations of how ~amazing~ and ~in love~ and ~perfect~ everything is, the worse I assume the reality is.)

But Inside strikes as very, very real. And I just feel like 20 30 40 50 years from now, when we’re talking about the 2020 pandemic and how it shaped and shifted and effected and destroyed people and society, it’s going to be a very important piece of media. Because so far, anyway, it’s the first one I’ve seen where you can actually see it all go down. The absolute fucking breakdown so many of us went through. Dealing with worsening mental problems that had previously been getting better, lost progress, ruined plans and dreams and missed opportunities and everything else. 

It’s the first one that strikes as real, I guess. As not manufactured. Not tailored to portray the ‘correct’ message. Not diminishing or exaggerating anything but just... showing. Existing within the reality of the year. And not being apologetic or ashamed about it. 

I’m glad he actually went through with putting it out into the world. That probably took a whole lot to do, and I hope good things get to him for going through with it all. For completing it and giving it to the world. It was visceral and raw to watch and my piss poor attention span that needs 20+ tabs open at all times actually sat there and watched it, in full, all the way through in one go. Without pausing to read a fic, watch something else, check facebook or tumblr, answer a roleplay, or skim through omegle to see if anyone good was online. That’s like, unheard of these days.

I just. I dunno. There’s a lot there to breakdown. A part of me wants to do it, take the time and write the analysis and the breakdowns and pick out what I think the important bits are. But I hate doing that now and I’m sure the desire will be gone come afternoon-morning, along with all these weird feelings about it. 

This has gotten long enough and it’s 4:47 now, so half an hour of word vomiting into a tumblr post is probably too much. So I guess I’ll call it quits and maybe maybe not delete this when I wake up. Night, anyone who actually suffered through reading this mess.

Rules are meant to be broken

Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan Rating: General Pairing: Levi Ackerman & Hanji Zoë Word count: 3163 Genre: fluff, humor

When Hanji is forced to conform to gender roles, their friends stand up for them and it’s wholesome.

Non-binary afab Hanji, one (1) swear word.

This day seemed to be a regular and boring one. First year students were going to their club meeting and they didn't expect anything interesting to happen. But when they entered the Survey Club room, they saw a very strange view. Hanji, being their dramatic self, had upper part of their body completely sprawled on table, with Moblit, Miche and Nanaba sitting next to them, clearly trying to cheer them up. But the weird part was that by their opposite side was Levi with his hand caressing Hanji's back. Mr. Erwin Smith was observing them, visibly upset, thinking about something intensively.

“What happened?” Jean asked, as he was the first to snap out of the shock that this very uncommon incident induced.

“As you may know, we have this holiday event and a very important inspection tomorrow. Everyone has to be dressed in very formal clothes” Petra explained, she was very concerned and sad.

“We know, but is that a tragedy?”

“I can't wear a suit” Hanji said with a slightly muffled voice.

“So?”

“I'll have to wear a fucking dress, and you even dare to ask?!” they snapped, looking at Jean angrily. Not that they saw much with their glasses pushed up their head, but they didn't even want to see him.

“Hanji, there's no need to use such language” Mr. Smith reproached them.

“Excuse me, Hanji-senpai, but what's wrong with that?” Eren asked, not really understanding the problem.

“Oh, nothing. If you like dresses” the older student was really upset about this situation.

“I don't think I follow...” Sasha spoke, actually trying to understand that.

“Me too” Connie nodded, agreeing with her.

“Tch, isn't it obvious, you stupid brats?” Levi looked at them with a cold stare. “Dresses are formal clothes assigned to girls, while suits are for boys. But this idiot school rules don't allow any other option” he said. It was obvious that he was furious about it, even if he seemed stoic at first sight.

“So, the problem is that Hanji-senpai is forced to wear a dress even though they are not a girl, because school rules are stupid?” Armin summed up to avoid further confusion.

“Precisely” Mr. Smith nodded. “And unfortunately, there is not much we can do about that.”

“There is something.”

“No, Levi, violence is not an option.”

“Tch. Violence is always an option.”

“I understand that you are upset, but you can't change the whole school on your own.”

“Watch me. Only I can hurt that stupid four-eyes.”

“That's actually cute, thank you Levi” Hanji smiled weakly at him. “Even though you've never actually hurt me.”

“Aw, Levi, you actually care about them” Nanaba teased and he shot her a death glare she ignored.

“I don't. Why would I?”

“You've said it already, there's no point trying to take that back.”

“He doesn't like to be obvious. You know expressing feelings isn't really his thing” Hanji explained. “But I know he does care and he knows I do care too. We're best friends, after all.”

“That's so sweet” Petra smiled.

“Can we focus on our problem?” Levi asked with irritation, just like Hanji said, he didn't like to be obvious about his feelings.

Meanwhile Mikasa, who had no interest in their conversations and relationships, pulled Sasha, Christa and Ymir aside. She had a plan. The girls didn't need much convincing to agree with her.

“Hanji-senpai” Mikasa spoke, it was unique of her to talk to anyone but Eren or Armin, so every head turned at her. “Please, wear your suit tomorrow and be as elegant as you can.”

“Do you have any plan?” Hanji was actually interested and fixed their glasses to properly look at the younger girl. “But do you realize it's against the rules?”

“Rules are meant to be broken” Ymir shrugged.

“Nothing is meant to be broken” Oluo scoffed, miraculously not biting his tongue.

“What about glowsticks?” Armin asked.

“Spaghetti if you have a small pot?” Sasha added.

“Karate boards?” Eren suggested.

“And rules” Ymir was more than happy to prove her point. Oluo wanted to comment it, but before he could form a coherent word, he bit his tongue.

“You'd better be quiet” Petra sighed with annoyance. “I can't wait for the day when you finally bite your tongue off.”

“My, my, love is in the air in Survey Corps” Nanaba teased again, observing the red headed girl.

“L-love? Nanaba-senpai, this is not—” she tried to protest, her cheeks blushed.

“Isn't it? Well, I see a pattern here” Nana looked at Levi and Hanji, then at Oluo and Petra and smirked.

“B-but...”

“Stop arguing, you only prove her point” Levi interrupted her, before she could embarrass herself. “The best strategy is to ignore her and pretend nothing happened.”

“I never said anything happened.”

“But you thought that. You and Miche are doing it since you joined us, I just know what you've thought” he pointed out, the mentioned couple only shrugged in response.

“Alright, kids, I guess under current circumstances we can tell that we are not able to have a proper club meeting today. I guess we can go home then” Erwin said and no one protested. They all had too much to think about.

The next day Hanji was extremely nervous. With Levi's help, they looked absolutely amazing, in a perfect suit, with clean and brushed hair, neatly pinned in an elegant updo, and polished glasses, they didn't look like their usual mad scientist persona. They were pacing nervously, waiting for younger girls, just like they told them the previous day.

“Oi, calm down, four-eyes, would you? That pacing drives me insane” Levi spoke finally.

“Sorry, I'm just really nervous!”

“I said stop” he approached them and grabbed their forearms, firm enough to make them stop, but careful enough to not wrinkle the jacket. “It will be fine” he said calmly, looking in their eyes. Hanji blinked a few times and sighed.

“You are probably right” they admitted. Corners of Levi's mouth moved a little and Hanji knew it was his smile. His stoic composure helped them calm down a little. Just when he let go of them, the younger students appeared, all wearing the best suits. When Hanji saw them, they blinked with confusion. Eren, Armin, Jean and Connie, as well as Mikasa, Sasha, Christa and Ymir all wore suits, and looked very elegant. Even a very girly and cute Christa, who wore dresses and skirts all the time, look very good with her hair braided in a pretty updo, they could even say she looked noble.

“Hanji-senpai, you look absolutely awesome” Sasha smiled, munching on bread sticks.

“B-but... You do realize, you're going to get in trouble?” Hanji asked, they were both deeply moved by their sacrifice and terrified of their potential punishment.

“They won't take us all” someone from the other side spoke and they turned around to see Nanaba, Petra, Ilse Langnar, Rico Brzenska, Annie Leonhart, even Hitch Dreyse as well as some more girls, all wearing suits. Hanji felt tears filling their eyes.

“You all did it for me?” they asked and their voice cracked with emotions.

“For you and to fight systemic oppression. We can't allow rules to limit our freedom. I already provided the article about it, we are supposed to look elegant, so we do. Who cares that we don't meet gender norms” Ilse answered with a smile.

“Thank you. All of you. It means a lot.”

“It was all Mikasa's idea, but we couldn't disagree with her” Petra praised the younger girl. Hanji turned around to Mikasa, who wasn't wearing her red scarf, as it wasn't particularly elegant after all those years.

“I did what had to be done” she said. Hanji said nothing, just approached her and hugged her, trying not to cry.

“Alright, let's go and ruin that stupid school!” Nana punched the air with her fist.

“Yes!” Eren definitely shared her excitement.

“Maybe not literally” Hitch reminded them, after all she still was a part of student's council. Everyone entered the school and proceeded to have their day.

They didn't have to wait long for the results of their actions. The teachers' reactions were mixed, some of them were horrified, some were quietly proud, and most of them didn't care, but they all at least tried to act like nothing happened. Yet the moment finally came and all the girls wearing suits, including Hanji, were called to principal Darius Zackly's office.

“What is the meaning of this? Don't school rules mean anything to you? Explain yourselves!” Mr. Nile Dawk demanded, he was clearly stressed out and he looked like he was going to have a seizure.

“Calm down, Nile, there's no need to yell” Mr. Erwin Smith rebuked him calmly.

“We were supposed to dress up formally and so we did. There is nothing wrong with our outfits” Mikasa answered with her usual unbothered expression.

“I don't see anything wrong either. These students look as elegant as they are supposed to” Mr. Smith agreed.

“But they wear clothes assigned for boys!” Mr. Kitz Woermann yelled and the blond teacher looked at him carefully, before speaking.

“Clothes have no gender” he stated.

“Unfortunately the school rules are clear about what the students are supposed to wear” principal Zackly fixed his glasses.

“Maybe this is the time to change the rules?”

“Are you seriously suggesting changing years of tradition just become some students can't keep up with it?” Mr. Dawk was getting angrier, but Mr. Smith was not easy to be provoked.

“If they can't, maybe there is a bigger problem? Look at all those students, this is not a single case. And there's more of them, this is a group protest. So maybe we should consider that it's time to change what isn't working anymore. Traditions are supposed to guide us, not limit our growth.”

“You are saying there is more students supporting this idea?” principal Zackly caressed his beard and looked at Erwin with curiosity.

“Of course” the teacher nodded and opened the door. A rather large group of boys entered the room and gave the traditional salute.

“Principal Zackly, with all respect, if you want to punish them, you would have to punish us as well!” Eren declared and no one disagreed with him, because for the first time he wasn't talking what seemed nonsense.

“Eren Jäger. I should have known it was you who stands behind all of this” Mr. Woermann clenched his fist in anger.

“Eren has nothing to do with that. It was my idea. Mine and no one else's” Mikasa said firmly.

“It doesn't matter whose idea it was” Mr. Keith Shadis spoke for the first time since this meeting started. “We should decide what to do now.”

“So you all agree with Mr. Smith and all this... protest?” the principal asked the boys, who all nodded in confirmation. “Very well. Then let's do this: since you claim clothes have no gender, then tomorrow you all come to school in dresses and no one will be punished, also we will change the school rules. Does that sound fair?” he proposed and the boys' confidence visibly lowered.

“It does. We are up to challenge” Levi said with his usual poker face, though his gritted teeth and slightly furrowed brows were giving away his determination and anger.

“Very well. You are dismissed” he decided and the students left the teachers to deal with any disagreements on their own.

“How did we get into this?” Jean ran his fingers through his hair.

“We can't do that” Reiner protested.

“We have to. Remember why are we doing it: for our friends. All the girls decided to risk getting in trouble for today, yet they did it, because it was the right thing to do. Now it's our turn, are we going to be little cowards or can we face it like men?” Armin reminded them, his speech raised their morale a little. He knew he was right and his friends knew it too. Besides he wore girly outfit before and he knew it was nothing bad.

“You don't have to do that. None of you had to” Hanji spoke quietly, they felt overwhelming guilt about everything that happened. “I'm sorry for making this much trouble, I should never have said anything, I should have acted like it wasn't a big deal” they pushed their glasses on their head and rubbed their eyes.

“Shut up, four-eyes. You have the right to be yourself and no one can tell you otherwise. At this point it's not even about you anymore. They want a war. So I can gladly provide one” Levi growled and only Hanji knew how much affection he had just expressed in this angry statement. “If they think a piece of clothing is going to ruin our confidence, they're so wrong.”

“Alright then, if Levi-senpai can do that, I guess we all can” Oluo shrugged. He looked at Petra and for the first time he saw admiration in her eyes. It was definitely worth doing it then.

“Thank you. It means a lot to us” Christa smiled sweetly.

“You will thank us tomorrow, when we prove our point to the teachers” said Levi.

The next day however, they were even less sure if it was worth doing. Even during the road to school, everyone was unusually quiet.

“Eren? Are you alright?” Mikasa asked shyly, when they met with their friends, only Armin and Connie didn't seem to have much against their clothes. “You know you didn't have to do this, right?”

“You think I could back out like a coward after you have fought so bravely for Hanji and for the right cause? To admit the teachers were right, that wearing this dress, this meaningless piece of clothing can shatter my manliness and hurt my pride to the point I choose to spare myself embarrassing and abandon my friends in need? I thought you know me better than that” he looked at her and she gave him one of her most beautiful smiles.

“Yeah, when I told my mom about it, I was sure she was going to slap me or even disown. But she suddenly started crying and said she's proud of me for being willing to sacrifice myself for my friends. And I guess it made me feel better” Jean confessed and Mikasa looked at him.

“You can be annoying, but this is very mature of you. I really appreciate that you didn't back out. Thank you” she said and he suddenly blushed, clearly not being used to such kind words.

When they arrived to school, they were very relieved to see that they weren't the only ones who wore dresses just like they were supposed to. They could see Petra chatting with Oluo, Gunther and Eld; Marco talking to Ilse; Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie, trying to act like they didn't exist; Hitch, who at once wasn't making fun of Marlowe; Franz and Hanna lost in their own world; even Rico, who usually wore her sport suit, was wearing a dress, just like her friend Ian, they were looking at the walls and seemed to lament they won't be cleaned today too. Finally, the first year students saw the core of Survey Club: Moblit was reading a book, Miche and Nanaba were chatting about something quite cheerfully, all not bothered by their outfits at all, while the other couple was just their usual self, excited Hanji and grumpy Levi. And whoever saw them, simply couldn't not stare. Hanji had their hair down, it was messy and fluffy, because of its cut, but the way it fell around their face was really bringing out their beauty. Hanji was never considered casually beautiful, but now everyone could see how terribly wrong they were: Hanji was gorgeous and they didn't even put any effort to look like this. All it took was to loosen their hair and put a dress on, and suddenly everyone was aware of their beauty. And Levi... this guy was incredible, he had his usual grumpy expression, but even in a dress he looked absolutely amazing. These two totally rocked in those outfits and everyone was staring at them either with adoration or jealousy. Their obvious confidence and radiating boss energy was very helpful for everyone who felt down about their clothes.

That was until Mr. Erwin Smith joined them and absolutely stole the spotlight. He was wearing his usual shirt and tie, but instead of pants, he had a skirt. And he wore it with so much confidence that he looked awesome.

“Even you had to do that, sir?” Sasha asked when the young group approached them and the teacher just smiled.

“I didn't have to. I decided to, because I realized that if I was defending you so strongly, I could set a good example myself” he explained. The students looked at him, very impressed. He didn't have to unite with them, yet he chose to and he wasn't ashamed at all. “It was not an easy decision, but I knew you were going to need support in this difficult day. So here I am.”

“Mr. Smith, you are the best!” Connie exclaimed and no one could disagree with him.

The rest of the day was very challenging. Boys were not used to wearing dresses at all, but luckily every one of them had girls who were experts in preventing any wardrobe malfunction. They were also ready to protect their friends from any bullies, and unfortunately they had plenty opportunities. But it was worth it, at the end of the day, principal Zackley informed them, that he didn't believe they could do that, yet they did. And deal was deal, the school rules were going to officially be changed. It was the moment Hanji couldn't take it anymore and they just started crying.

“Stop it, four-eyes” Levi said gently.

“I'm sorry, I just... I'm so happy and I can't believe it's real” they laughed through tears and pushed their glasses up, so they could wipe their eyes. Suddenly they pulled their friend in a tight hug. “Thank you, Levi. Thank you for everything” they sobbed.

“There, there. Don't you dare to ruin my dress” he warned them, but put a hand in their hair and caressed it softly. He actually couldn't care less about his clothes as long as Hanji was comfortable. They pulled away after a moment, smiling sheepishly. “Better?”

“Yes. Thank you, Levi.”

“You're welcome.”

The next day everything went back to normal. Well, almost everything, because those two days definitely strengthened relationships. There was more understanding and affection in all friendships, and the taste of success really made everyone more confident. Some teachers weren't happy about it, but they didn't have much choice than to accept their loss. Even more, when a couple of days later, principal Zackly got a report that the results of the inspection are very positive and the school is doing just fine...