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dreamteamspace · 4 years

Note

So this stream I got a bit confused with what was going on with the whole spiel with schlatt and dream, and I dont actually think theres a traitor. However if there was one why not niki ya know? I mean, he kept saying how it would be way more unexpected than eret in the independance war, and literally everyone so far has been thought of as a potential traitor to pogtopia,, except well,, why not niki? She also had this letter to her "dear friend" that sounded like a new turn for her character and idk man why not?

Alright I’m a very texting type of person and you’ve got my started on my hyperfixation here we go-

My thoughts on the whole situation and why I think Fundy is the traitor:

I think from Dream’s perspective: Everything makes sense. I’m HIGHLY certain that Schlatt’s deal, which Dream said is “Something Wilbur and Tommy would never give him”, was that L’Manburg will either cease to exist (become part of the Dream SMP, and we know neither Wilbur not Tommy would ever do that), or that Dream would essentially become leader of it.

That’s why, in this flip situation, if he wins, he wins all of it. This also makes sense, as Dream is 100% alright with Wilbur just blowing it up, too: Because essentially he achieves the very same thing: L’Maburg/Manburg is no more.

Dream is absolutely right that he was never on their side or really on anybody’s side. Dream is his own side. It’s his server. He IS the Dream SMP, in that sense, just like Tommy is the spearhead of the rebellion right now.

I’m also fairly certain Dream will pull a lot more people than they think into this, and I think they ALSO know, in a meta-way, that they won’t be fighting only Schlatt and Dream and one traitor. He’s just letting them wallow in their security, although I have to say he LOVES dipping in his dramatic implications about what he’s doing or will do. In this case, he might’ve managed to keep quiet to let them think they’re safe.

So for Dream: Either they win, and L’Manburg is his/no more, or Wilbur sees they start losing, and L’Manburg is also no more. Honestly? He just has to make Wilbur panic hard enough to hit that button... and then he wins. It would be bad if he loses, though, so I do think he’ll pull together for this. He’s very competitive.

(Lot more juicy theory as to who the traitor is under the cut)

I predict that a good portion of BadboyHalo, Georgenotfound, Sapnap, Punz, potentially also people like Thunder or Alyssa?, are going to join Dream’s side. Sam seems close to the rebellion, but he’s also friends with George and Sapnap, but I just can’t see those two seriously fighting against Dream. If the stakes really are high, they’ll flip over to him, although I also can’t see them convincing Sam.

Most likely, George and Sapnap are just going to stay out of it entirely, and let Sam fight on the side of the rebellion. Maybe the current pet war might change that, though, say if Sapnap develops a new hatred against Tommy or even Sam? (I dont know what the pet war’s at atm but didn’t Sapnap and Sam fight over pets?), he would join in on Dream’s side. George? I have no idea. Most likely he just won’t be there. He doesn’t want to go against Sam (Who provides him with like. Everything), but he also doesn’t wanna fight Dream. IF he fights, though, I’m tempted to say he’d be on Dream’s side, but I’m honestly not up to date enough on his streams to say for certain.

As for the traitor: I actually haven’t seen Niki’s letter (to my great regret, I saw the news float around though), since I’m very focused on watching Tommy and Wilbur’s POVs. Honestly, if it’s Niki? That would be MASSIVELY surprising, and the biggest brain move I’ve ever seen. It’s possible, but I honestly don’t think it’s likely.

They’ve kept their characters fairly consistent, and while this IS kindof meta to say, I don’t think (with how things are atm), that Niki would betray L’Manburg, UNLESS she’s doing a double-agent thing and plans on tricking Dream in the end. That I could potentially see happening.

But knowing that she changed the anthem from Wilbur’s posessive “My L’Manburg” to just “L’Manburg”, that she’s been loyal even when they kinda half left her alone with Schlatt to tax her, and even during the pet wars she never strikes blood, but rather takes hostages and wants a sincere apology... I don’t see it right now. Then again, I don’t watch Niki’s streams on the SMP, so I could be wrong, as I’m not quite familiar with the intricacies of her character on the SMP besides the surface level.

On on hand... I also doubt whether there is a traitor at all, and Dream is just hoping to drive them apart and make sure they don’t get things done as efficiently as they could, because they’re busy pointing fingers at eachother, suspecting eachother, potentially even throwing somebody out once the tension between them snaps.

He needs to win this fight. If he does, he gets EVERYTHING. What they think of him after that point doesn’t matter, so the lie doesn’t matter. They can laugh at him afterwards, but he’ll still have won. I don’t know how many actually highly important details Dream would drop into conversation like that.

Consider, he does have a traitor. Why would he tell them he has one there? Why tell them that they’ll never guess? It just sows chaos in their group, and that’s what he wants. If he DID have one, he might just not say anything.

On the other hand: He might just be dramatic like that honestly. We all know they’re meta-fighting for the next spot in a sad-ist animatic, so Dream could very well be taking a more active role to insert himself into the story and cause some drama. Even if he DOES have a traitor on the inside, saying it still sows chaos. It’s a little risky, but if it really is something they won’t guess, then the chance that they’ll suspect the wrong person might be high enough, and make it worth it.

If he DOES actually have a traitor, my top sus are honestly Fundy, Tubbo, and maybe Ponk. I’m very sure it’s NOT Wilbur, Tommy, Sam, or Quackity.

Ponk doesn’t seem like the type of person to be reliable enough. He’s just kinda in it for the ride, and he’s too quiet to set a focus on. I don’t think Dream even considered him on the side of the rebellion for certain until today. It is, however, still possible. Tommy seems to trust him, and he’s not in deep enough for them to intently interrogate him on his loyalty, cause they know he’s more laid back when it comes to that. He feels only half in the rp to begin with, just wanting to fuck around with everyone. And then, BOOM, he’s actually been playing a massive role this whole time. It’s a little bit of a safe target, too, albeit a little underwhelming.

Tubbo... listen. We all love Tubbo. Tommy loves Tubbo, and we know Tubbo cares greatly for Tommy. Tubbo also seems(?) to care for L’Manburg. But I just....

It’s Tubbo, man. I have no idea. He seemed SO close to ACTUALLY flipping over to Schlatt before the festival. Everyone keeps pushing him around like this innocent tiny kid when he has the biggest third eye out of everyone and is the only one actually doing any work.

Tubbo has stated before that his official motivation is that he just wants peace for everyone. He just doesn’t want to fight and wants to do fun stuff. So of course he sounds horrified at the prospect of having to hunt down Tommy after Tommy was exiled, but happily went along with the festival. He was excited to do his speech. Schlatt actually placed responsability on them for once. He truly did seem happy about that.

It doesn’t matter as much to Tubbo who’s who. What matters is that the fighting preferrably stops, and they all just have a good time. Dream gave the line “I’m very convincing”, so I think he did actually have to convince the traitor, if there is one, to join his side. It wasn’t automatic.

Technically speaking, if L’Manburg is no more, and they’re all part of the Dream SMP again, doesn’t the fighting stop? If there’s no nation to fight over, then there’s no reason to fight. If L’Manburg is no more, then Schlatt has 0 power, and if Dream takes over, he could’ve promised to un-exile Tommy and Wilbur. And then they’re all part of the Dream SMP! No more fighting! Everyone’s on the same side!

Tubbo seems to care less for nations or sides, and much more for people, and for the people around them to be happy. His switch to enthusiasm at Schlatt’s festival came quickly, because many of the people he cared about still partook in it, and he never did hurt Tommy, because he does care about him.

But Tubbo DID say the line “may the festival begin” after his speech, and they knew what that would start. So why? In a way, I think Tubbo waged his options. Who does he care about more? Tommy, to his knowledge, is on Wilbur’s side. He might’ve decided in a moment of uncertainty that Wilbur and Tommy’s opinions of him are more important to them than the opinions of the other people there. Mostly Tommy, because we know those two would die for eachother. They chose Tommy over everyone else at that festival, potentially even over their own motivations, over their own gut.

Fundy, in fact, has MANY reasons to be the traitor, but isn’t quite obvious in that sense. They thought he was a traitor, actually, but once he showed them his diary, he essentially convinced all of them very certainly that he’s not the traitor, and they believed him. Dream joined the call later, so it’s possible he heard that part or Fundy told him about it (They’ve all been known to listen in on convos sometimes to know whats going in. They have to in order to build a good story line.)

Fundy has all the reasons. Reason number one, to me, is Fundywastaken. It’s canon in the Dream SMP lore, they just surprisingly haven’t done anything with it. During the independance war, that wasn’t a thing yet, and since they ARE a thing in canon now... they’ve never actually fought eachother. In fact, as things are now? We’re EXPECTING to see Dream fight his canon fiancé. Fundy officially joined the fight when Tommy asked him, confirming that they can count on him and that he will fight. We know for certain that Dream will fight.

If Fundy isn’t the traitor and doesn’t become one, then Dream and Fundy are inevitably meeting in battle on the 16th.

Consider his storyline: We’ve all been highly expecting Fundy to either punch Wilbur in the face or at LEAST be dissapointed in him or SOMETHING. He hasn’t, as far as I’m aware. He’s just standing there near him, very very quietly, giving a firm but quiet “yes” when Tommy asked him if they could count on him.

Fundy hasn’t expressed much to Wilbur at all, despite heving been left alone with Schlatt by him, despite how much he deserves to be angry at him for being patronized and not trusted with anything.

And, y’know... He’s officially Dream’s fiancé. The others don’t seem to know yet, and I don’t know how many people do know or not. It’s possible they just don’t know, and of course Dream wouldn’t tell them anything, not even tell anyone, this close before a fight. Dream might not even tell his close allies out of fear that the information could spread or that they could turn on him.

So honestly... Fundy seems the most likely for me to be the traitor, especially because there’s been plenty of foreshadowing for it, there’s a good setup, he has good reasons, and it wouldn’t seem like a cheap plottwist, but rather a gradual change.

Not to mention that meta-wise, Fundy has been actively involved in the rp and been dropping some pretty good lines himself. This isn’t something that Dream would have some non-rping person do.

I’m also kindof sure it’s not Technoblade, because Dream laughed it off and half-indicated that it is (Tommy: “I bet it’s Technoblade” Dream, cracking up: “I didn’t say that, you said that”), because he profits from doing so. He profits from them thinking Technoblade is the traitor. And also I really, really don’t think Techno would team up with Dream in this rp. Then again, Dream recently proclaimed to be on the side of chaos.... so who truly knows? I’ll definitly be surprised if it’s Techno, but I suppose it is a possibility. I just don’t think Techno can be convinced to much of anything, unless of course all it took was saying “Hey it’s Schlatt and Me against like 6 people so if we want an actual fight for once-” “Finally some bloodshed and war. I’m in”. I mean, I doubt it, but I’m leaving the possibility open.

TLDR: Dream wins if he wins the fight OR if Wilbur blows everything up. The traitor is likely either Fundy, Ponk or Tubbo, and I think there will be more people fighting on Dream’s side than just Schlatt and one traitor.

#mcyt #dream smp #mcytblr #dreamwastaken #itsfundy #fundywastaken #fwt #tubbo #nihachu #wilbur soot #dreamteamspace speaks

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maxwell-grant · 3 years

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You've talked quite a bit about Shiwan Khan, would be OK with talking about the other villains who show up more than once, Benedict Stark and The Voodoo Master?

The Voodoo Master tends to get overshadowed by Khan by virtue of being less prominent and because, in a lot of ways, Mocquino does feel a bit like a prototype for Khan. Like Gibson was testing the waters of what kind of major supervillain he wanted the Shadow to have, and was gradually figuring details like the hypnotic traps and unique henchmen and mystic background and a fraudulent dark magician figure with Mocquino, before Khan blew it all up to bigger proportions. Twice already we’ve had instances where Mocquino was set to appear in a Shadow adaptation after Khan, and said adaptations got canned before he could show up (and I don’t think it does either character a favor if Mocquino comes after Khan). And of course Mocquino has the problem of being an ethnic supervillain whose identity and name are tied up to grotesque prejudice that twists cultures and beliefs into Hollywood boogeymen, and the novels sadly treat vodou beliefs far less charitably than how the other novels approach tibetan/asian mysticism. It’s definitely a problem, but not without it’s solutions.

Putting that aside, The Voodoo Master trilogy is very fun, the first novel in particular was the number one rated Shadow novel in a fan poll back then. Personally, my favorite is City of Doom because of it’s blend of gothic, urban and industrial settings, great battles even for a Shadow novel, and a spectacular finale, but they all have very strong points. And I do like Mocquino himself as a character. He is historically significant as the first true supervillain of Shadow Magazine (if you don’t count other odd criminals like The Black Master or The Cobra). He is different from Khan personality-wise in the sense that he is more of an old-school supervillain, who likens his conflict with The Shadow to a “game” they play, who likes to boast and brag about his powers and whose goals largely revolve around extortion. He has a vendetta against industrial society (although he himself employs industrial tactics, because he is a hypocrite), and said vendetta being largely just him trying to destroy it so he thinks people will fall in line with his cult more easily. Unlike with Khan, there’s no delusions or aspirations of grandeur and greater purpose here, it always comes down to crime and profit with Mocquino and he barely bothers to pretend otherwise.

He is resourceful and insidious and racks up a bigger body count than Khan on City of Doom alone, and there’s a real creepiness to his zombie minions as they are regular people stripped of all identity and forced into becoming walking meat shields. I think one way to make him work better on his own could be by playing up his ruthlessness and charm, and focus on the mind control/cult leader aspect. Make him the Jim Jones of Shadow villains.

Justice Inc redesigned him to look like Boris Karloff, divorced him of racist trappings, played up his dark magician persona and ballooned up his abilities into outright superpowers, all of which worked quite well as the closest he's ever had to an update And interestingly, there’s some odd Joker-esque aspects to him in his final appearence in Voodoo Trail:

Though almost silent, the explosion was forcible. The tank disgorged a greenish gas that spread like an expanding monster, filling the entire room that the trio had just left.

There was something parched and withery in his face, particularly noticeable when The Shadow saw the Voodoo Master's profile. Mocquino bore the scars of flame, not only on his face, but upon the scrawny arm he extended from his robe. Those burns showed like livid brands: a fitting mark for a supercriminal.

That hissing sound in the zombi cave! It was gas, leaking from underground pipes that led into Manhattan. Filtering through the porous stone, it gathered other chemical elements. Mocquino must have discovered that leakage and noted its effects. He had put the discovery to his own use.

...lips formed a grin so jagged that it was difficult to note where his mouth ended and his scar began.

Mocquino's shrill laugh told that he expected his men to overwhelm The Shadow through force of numbers.

Honestly, “Doctor Mocquino” I think is a better name for him than Voodoo Master. A Rogues Gallery isn’t complete without a major Doctor in there, and divorcing Mocquino of “Voodoo Master” and all that implies could be the better way of making this character work again. Play up the fact that he’s exploiting Caribbean religions and citizens for personal gain and roping them into his crime ring, maybe even have him use similar theatrics as The Shadow to paint himself as this great master of voodoo, but in the end, he’s always just Doctor Mocquino, an evil, rotten shyster who puts his knowledge to use for evil and evil alone.

Responsible for the first and only cliffhanger of Shadow Magazine with the kidnapping of Rutledge Mann, Benedict Stark is easily the single worst scumbag out of all Shadow supervillains. Just this completely horrible, wretched monster who ends up being somewhat dissappointing and frustrating of a villain in my view. Despite having quite a bit going on for him, Stark is not really interesting enough to warrant the 4 novels he gets, and where as Khan and Mocquino usually escape The Shadow thanks to prior planning and last-minute escape and strokes of luck, Stark seems to get away with it only because the narrative says so, not nearly as impressive as the other two despite being far, far worse, which makes it you don’t want The Shadow to match wits with him, so much as you just want The Shadow to kill him as soon as possible. In fact, here’s what Stark gets away with in the first ten pages of The Prince of Evil alone:

He gaslights a man named John Harmon into thinking he was developing amnesia

Gets Harmon to sign away enough money to be bankrupted for life, and no one, not even his wife, believe him when he says he was conned

Causes Harmon to commit suicide.

Then, while Cranston's talking with a friend of Harmon named Jackson who wanted to help him, the two go to Jackson's house to find it completely destroyed, his priceless belongings acid-ruined.

Then, they find Jackson's dog dead, with it's throat slit, and a Bible scattered nearby with the story of the good Samaritan marked, making it clear that this all happened because Jackson tried to help Harmon.

And then, as Cranston tries to stop one of Stark's goons from brutally assaulting a boy who was just paid by Cranston to watch his car, he gets attacked and knocked unconscious.

And THEN, the henchman gives the kid a brain concussion and then hauls him in front of a coming truck, with Cranston just barely saving the kid in time as the henchman escapes.

This is just the first 10 pages. Not even Spider novels usually start with this many atrocities happening all at once. Whatever problems Tinsley has as a Shadow writer, I’ll give him this: He definitely knows how to go from 0 to 100 in ways Gibson never would. The book obviously doesn’t keep this up forever (thank goodness), but The Prince of Evil is really all about building up Stark’s presence as this new ultimate Shadow villain, and I think the build up is quite solid up to a point.

He’s established as possibly the richest man in America. Where as Cranston is a millionaire, Stark is a billionaire, who owns “ailways and steamships, factories and mills all over the United States". Nobody knows what he looks like, nobody’s ever seen a picture of him, and Cranston, who knows everyone and everything, has never once laid eyes on the man. We also know in advance that he uses drugs delivered by chewing gum to turn his thugs into bloodthirsty savages who desire only terror and torture and inflict those at his beck and call, and we get a passage where Clyde Burke ingests one of these gums, experiences it’s effects, and ends up chasing down a mouse and killing it, for no reason other than it was the only living being nearby, much to his horror. And it very nearly develops into something even worse:

He could hear the snoring of a man sleeping inside a cellar apartment. Clyde halted. His fingers tightened on his iron bar. He guessed that the man asleep inside was the building janitor. He fought against a hot impulse that flared anew in his blood.

He wanted to kill that janitor! He wanted to smash at him with the iron bar until the man was battered and dead! Murder seemed so exciting. And so easy! Clyde could picture the terror of his victim as he struck at him. It would be sheer delight to maim the fool before he killed him.

The thing that saved Clyde was the thought of the chewing gum. He knew that the savage whisper that urged him on to murder was not his own brain talking, but the voice of a powerful drug.

Laying the bar on the concrete floor, he ran for the cellar exit. He didn't glance back. He was afraid that if he did, he'd be tempted to pick up the bar and commit a senseless and brutal crime.

The cold bite of the breeze was like a draft of cooling water against his parched lips. He began to get a grip on himself. Once more he was Clyde Burke, a normal human being who would go out of his way to avoid hurting a fly.

Stark has weaponized and mass-produced a drug that creates an army of Mr Hydes at his beck and call, that can turn even one of the kindest and most heroic characters into the series into a sadistic maniac itching to main and murder anything that’s in front of him, and that alone is not just a much more viscerally horrifying kind of mind control than what Khan and Mocquino use, it’s also got a an edge to it more suited for gritty urban drama. It’s an idea I definitely would have liked to see used again even after Stark’s out of the picture.

And then we actually get to see Stark for this first time, and he’s described as a grotesquely deformed baboon man leering at his beautiful secretaries, who deliberately employs the most attractive people to make his own deformities stand out further, and who is cartoonishly vile everytime he opens his mouth. He never really displays exceptional cleverness, compared to other Shadow villains, except for the fact that he keeps suspecting Cranston is The Shadow, and sometimes just seems to get really lucky. Stark tends to get much, much less interesting as the build-up evaporates and he has to stand on his own feet as a character, I barely remember anything he did in the following books. At the time, I thought Stark’s characterization was weak, and I still do.

This text blurb here was used on a promo S&S did for Prince of Evil, and it starts by talking about incredibly well-liked people who are kind and how Stark is the opposite because he's evil. Of course, as we all know, evil and well-liked are not opposites.

Stark may have been a tad more interesting had they went with the angle of him being a horrible monster who's also incredibly popular and beloved and friendly. About 70% of The Shadow’s villains are already middle-aged to elder rich businessmen pretending to be good, so maybe Stark being young and attractive and initially sympathetic-looking, atop being the richest and cruelest of them all, could also help set him apart. Sort of an evil Harry Vincent maybe.

But instead he's so obviously and viscerally awful all the time he shows up, so incapable of restraining himself, that it's impossible to buy him as a deceiver who’s pulled the wool over society’s eyes. At the time, I thought to myself that he was just painfully obvious of a villain and too brutish and stupid for me to buy that he’s supposed to be the richest criminal genius in America.

But then again, nowadays I’m well aware that wealthy and respected figures of society, who are cartoonishly horrible even openly in public, is just what billionaires are like, so maybe Tinsley had a point here.

#replies tag #the shadow #pulp heroes #pulp fiction #shadow magazine #dr mocquino #the voodoo master #benedict stark #the prince of evil

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zkretchy · 3 years

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can’t believe i am actually getting these done omg

Anyhow my brain decided a then(child) vs “now”(present or near-ish enough) kinda series for my latest ocs would be a great idea

and then it also decided to play around with colouring during the very first art so for consistencies sake i will have to deal with a weird layering system because it’s “fun that way”

Put additonal character info under the read more if you care for it

Well as you can see this piece is from Garvin, going from young child working with his herbalist mother to squeezing out every bit of magic he gained later on to control plants

Since I can’t give my characters anything nice for him we have a nice combo of abusive father (who sold him to the loca....well cult is a strong word...religion? God praising people who also fuse humans with God parts? Like literally? dm me if you find a good word for that it’s 3am and i haven’t thought of one yet) mixed with his back then rather timid personality

Nowadays he is more of a brash bastard with a hint of god powers-hence the whole plant thing (which he did learn to control by being helped by someone who actually knew what he was doing unlike most people directly around him at any point in time-his words not mine)

The process of that was hard enough since, while he was good at having magic, never bothered doing anything with it since that was all people were interested in in him and one of the reasons his father sold him and spite is a strong motivator to do or not do something

He did have some siblings but doesn’t know what really happened to them because by the time he came back to his family to check they were gone and all he could find were long old traces of their usual shit life there so he highly doubts any of them were even alive anymore at that point

Considering his job is pretty much “You have a piece of God number 2 with you...kinda, so now go do what they want and help people” he is rather shit at it since he doesn’t actively go out and help Sure if he sees someone needing help he’ll go help out and sure if someone is offering pay he’ll take the job but he is not someone actively looking out to do some heroic deed or whatever He however is very ready to fight if someone dares be an asshole near him (I’d say Namir is the exception but only in that he won’t get punched if he pushes really)

He is rather calm in general but has pretty much 0 patience so it’s easy to rile him up and there is also a lot that gets him riled up with him either caring about everything 100% or nothing at all

#tbh so far this is my fav colour wise #just bc the greens went so well with the layer of purple adding a filter thingie i did #the others wont have such a colour scheme which is a shame!#zkretchy #ocs #garvin #he took one look at emotions and said I want all of that #but fuck actually expressing them in any accurate or healthy way #tbh most of character stuff i got is lore-ish stuff and dialouges between each other #so i dont actually can get you a scientific alignment chart and emotions and stuff #namir is an actual cat and this man is a chihuaua in wolfs clothing idfk guys okay i can only give vagueness at any time #i should maybe illustrate some dialouges or just write them #imagine that-me writing lmao #art #oc lore

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hey-hamlet · 5 years

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BNHA AU Ideas : Quirkless Erasure

Also on AO3!

TL;DR:

In some worlds, Midoriya Izuku is the first quirkless hero. But not in this one, not by far.

Because his homeroom teacher is the hero he's always looked up to: UA's first quirkless Pro Hero.

----

Izuku isn't the only quirkless one, and Aizawa gets into the hero course via emotional devastation against his opponents.

anyway so: quirkless aizawa bc i need that

everyone thinks he has a quirk like emotional manipulation of something but no he's just fucking savage, he gets into the hero course bc he blasted the absolute shit out of mic

everything’s on youtube it’s one of the most viewed videos of all time

this aizawa's eyes are permanently gold bc i headcanon it's his quirk that makes his eyes black, not the colour they flash

"you yell because you have a constant fear no one is really listening to you. you play the class clown and don't try too hard so when you look back you think "i failed because i didn't try" not "i failed because i wasn't good enough""

"bro,,, bro what the fuck did i do to you"

aizawa isn’t even salty he’s quirkless tbh

"you're pushing this on me because it hurts, right? your loud, flashy but damaging quirk means the only thing people think you're useful for is heroics. did you want to do this, or is this the only way society will let you feel comfortable in the role it presses in on you"

"well being quirkless is rough but at least i cn be whatever i want to be"

mics just shell shocked mics not even using his quirk and everyone’s just uwu he’s erasing mics quirk

all aizawa does is walk is close and mutter "society thinks im worthless, which is rough. but you have to put your life on the line or you're nothing better than a villain to the people"

and just, lightly pushes him out of bounds

pls mics just in Love this guy tore him to fucking pieces but Damn

aizawa helps him up off the floor

"so im probably not wrong but im a little sorry for saying it on live tv"

mic "youre amazing"

aizawa just goes bright red and starts sputtering

aizawa: the emotional devastation hero weakness: genuine compliments

consider 1A teacher aizawa just still made of emotional devastation, nezu made him promise not to use his powers of destruction on his children unless he was expelling them

this is a quirkless izuku au too, mirio got ofa, allmight encouraged izuku to be a hero after the fight but had no quirk to give him and he manages to make his own way into the hero course

so izuku is a little analyst, gets mostly hero points but uses sharp rebar and poles to smash in the sensors of some robots, getting him a few non-rescue points either. Aizawa is watching like "oh interesting a non-combat quirk" and beside him allmight is vibrating with excitement

"he might actually do it!"

"who might do what"

allmight turns sheepishly to aizawa

"young midoriya on camera 6, he might just be the first quirkless student to pass the enterance exam to heroics straight up"

and aizawa can hardly watch anyone else for the rest of the exam, he adopts this kid on the fucking Spot

hes on the edge of his fucking seat, when nezu sends out the zero pointer. "this kid only needs 10 more points, just ten more" and izuku turns around to look at the 0 pointer and aizawa is like "fuck kid i hope you know what youre doing"

he manages to shove a piece of rebar into the treads, stoping it in its place. it tries to swat him like a bug but he just dives out of the way, picks up ochako and sprints and aizawa is like "holy shit holy shit these bastards better give this kid hero points for that"

like they are assigning final hero points and aizawa has to awkwardly put his hand up "i,,, should probably be excluded from giving midoriya hero points because i went from 0 to bias very very quickly"

allmight just nods sagely

"young midoriya be like that sometimes"

pls aizawa tries to act extra tough bc he can’t let anyone know he’s Adopted this child

for all izuku's brain hes useless w social stuff and thinks aizawa hates him but everyone else k n o w s

also izuku is the only person in 1A who knows ab aizawa's "quirk" and hes like, constantly vibrating w glee around the guy

aizawa walks in the first day, hears bakugo asking how this "quirkless bastard" got in, grabs bakugo w his scarf and yeets him into vlad’s room

"ok students, looks like we are a class of 19. any other comments before we start?"

and like everyone is so lost no one questions it

bakugo is screaming bloody murder until vlad "kindly" tells him ua has a strict no discrimination policy and aizawa would have been well within his rights to expel him

please nezu is like "uwu take one of 1B to make the classes even" and vlad is like "no ive already bonded tough cookies" vlad just adopts bakugo instantly

monoma and bakugou become bros, the baku-squad is 50% a thing, but its mostly 1B students but with pinning kiri. kendo and bakugo both keep monoma in line, monoma and kendo keep bakugo in line

during the sports festival shinsou is like "you must have a blessed quirk to get into the hero course"

and izuku just has this "really. this si what we're doing now" look on his face. hes just gesturing to shinso in exasperation, trying to make eye contact w aizawa hidden up in the commentary box

all you can hear from the box is aizawa quiet snickering as mic tries not to give the game away. he yeets shinso out of bonds and just hauls him back to his feet

"im quirkless you nonce"

"oh,,,"

"yeah, oh. what, gonna be embarrassed a quirkless kid kicked your ass?"

"nah i just feel bad for being a dick"

"ok you are the only valid person ive ever met, come meet my not-dad"

"wait what"

izuku fireman carries shinso into the announcers booth and just presents him to aizawa

you can just vaguely hear "no not kid" "but he'll be perfect" "kid this is live ask me after the festival" "but! hed be perfect! and you could train him to carry on your legacy of soul-crushing burns" "... hmmm"

"do i get a say in this?" "no" "nope"

mic just loudly saying "SO BEFORE WE WITNESS A CHILD CRY LIVE ON AIR AGAIN, AS ALWAYS HAPPENS IN THIS FESTIVAL, LETS START THE NEXT ROUND!"

there’s a counter “days since someone last cried: 0”

please its like "times cried durring all sports festivals" "average cry events" "number of times cried this festival"

aizawa being even more of a dad than canon, like hes a mess he sees on sad kid and he's like "wow that's my kid now"

he makes them soup when they get sick and leaves it outside their doors, refuses to admit its him doing it

soup cryptid

please mic is like 100% in love with him and had been for years but aizawa still has internal bias against the quirkless and thinks he's not good enough for mic so he cant make himself see the flirting for what it really is

“haha he’s just being friendlyL

“aizawa i literally want to marry u”

“awww ur so nice u mean as friends tho right?”

in this au ive decided that quirkless heroes are a thing, but pretty rare, in japan they are all underground bc villains go after them a l o t. there are some public ones in america but they tend to,,, die,,, pretty quickly

and bc there are some quirkless heroes everyone acts like discrimination isn't a thing anymore and quirkless people should shut up while quirkless people are still getting killed and committing suicide at like 500% the rate of people with quirks

also the suicide rate is,,,,, significantly higher in japan but no one ever talks abt it bc japan the “ideal place for people with quirks” so that surely means nothing could ever go wrong

izuku does the "its your power" speech in like 3 parts, before, during and after the sports festival bc he needs he bones w no quirk

stain asks izuku what his quirk is and izuku does the "wouldn't you like to know, weather boy"

",,, where are your parents"

"one abandoned me straight up and the other is giving it a red hot go right now, try me coward"

izuku but everytime he roasts a villain he does it in vine quotes

tl;dr in the au inko is like,, not ok w izuku being a hero and she's trying to do the "leave the school or you can't live here any more" ultimatum and it's not working for her

bc izuku said "ok bye then" and now lives out of his backpack. no one knows. he just like,, sleeps on the train

and iida is like "owo could i come over to your house" and izuku is like

"aaaaa its on fire. yep. made of arsenic and always in flames, why dont we go to the park"

everyone in 1a is like betting on what his house is like. they harass katsuki in 1b but he refuses to talk

hes like "hell no i got thrown into another class for talking ab that nerd eat my left tit"

they only fucking work it out when aizawa and allmight go to izukus house to talk ab dorms and there is literally no one there

aizawa asks izuku ab it like "kid you need to update your forms with your current address" and hes like "oh worm, she moved? wack."

“u,,,,didn’t know,,,,”

“nah lmao i sleep on the bench in a park near here”

“my boy,,,,,l

"what, ochako lives alone!"

"yeah, in a fucking house, kid"

aizawas just: this is literal child abuse i’m ur guardian now

allmight "hes my kid too dont be greedy"

"fuck off all might you already have mirio" "and you already have shinsou!" nighteye, from around the corner "ill take him!" aizawa and allmight "NO"

mic adopts him nezu just sitting in the distance "well, its my school. i get the kid" one whole school full of adult heroes "NO ITS MY SON,,," izukus like crying "wait,,, you guys aren't sick of me? wild" while sobbing

afo out of nowhere: i’ll take the child :))) everyone collectively: N O

for self-indulgence, izuku is the youngest in the class for this au so they all call him their little brother

consider: quirkless aizawa is very similar to normal aizawa but he does practise self-care, he just tries to make it look like he doesnt because hes like that

if i dont take care of myself ill never be able to stand up to the heroes w quirks but also do i deserve normal good human things

tl:dr: he can cook well and is trying to teach izuku that 2-minute noodles and apples arent hero fuel

inko is like: "uwu i wont change what i cook for you so you'll just have to make do owo" in like, a pathetic attempt to get him to stop training so izuku runs off protein bars, electrolyte drinks and raw vegetables

just like, his bento at school. its only raw mushrooms, spinach, tomatoes and 2 full carrots

the only time he gets like a kinda valid balanced meal for a hero in training is when he pops by bakugous place and mitsuki forces him to stay for lunch

izuku is like "oh hi bakugo i have ur book-" "HI ITS LUNCH GET IN PIPSQUEAK"

hes just thrown into a chair, bakugo isnt even confused. izuku is like ",,,, so vlad gave me your book bc your house is near mums." "fair enough. hope you like miso salmon"

izuku just looks stary eyed

"f i s h ??? warm food bakugo id kill for you"

"deku wtf"

"i had nothing but 3 scoops of protein powder and 2 tomatoes today"

“dEKU WHAT THE FUCK”

"i had to eat the protein podwer with plain water kacchan. protein sludge followed by two raw tomatoes. i would commit real actual murder for you"

mitsuki always packs an extra bento after that

so like when it’s dorm time izuku gets rly stressed out bc he doesn’t know how to cook for himself??? bakugous in the 1b dorms and even if he wasn’t he definitely wouldn’t cook for him

1a goes on a fucking shopping trip, chaperoned, obviously

and they’re lining up and aizawa sees that izukus cart is only filled with like??? instant noodles and like two (2) fruits and he’s losing his mind bc yes okay he’s a child but he’s also a young hero and he’s going to get a heart attack by 20 if he doesn’t fix his diet

aizawa is like "izuku, you cant eat that" and izuku just goes "oh ok" puts the noodles back and comes back with a tub of protein powder and like 11 vegetables and a bag of kale

okay this is an improvement kinda, how do u cook it

,,,,,c

cook?

izuku just has a totally blank face

"i was just gonna like,,, eat it"

"raw."

"uh, yeah, is that not how u eat vegetables?”

"thats a potato. and some leeks. thats a fucking onion"

"it wont kill me though"

"thats,,, that not how you pick food kid."

“but vegetable??? good????”

"kid do you even fucking like any of this"

"wait, im supposed to like?? my food???"

yagi in the fucking health food isle hearing this is 50% laughing but 50% crying

aizawa: “izuku ur supposed to eat a well balanced and tasty meal”

izuku: *surprized pikachu face*

please even todoroki is like ",,, at least fuyumi could c o o k"

oh god imagine having a worse diet than shouto todoroki from 1a who eats nothing but cold soba and drinks juice

also please aizawa is like "kid i thought you just happened to be thin but now im seeing thats not the case"

bakugo in the distance "like inko ever fed him enough anyway lmao"

aizawa "WAIT WHAT"

whys bakugou shopping with 1a? its actually all 40 of the first years just descending on this poor little store. it’s this little mom and pop grocery store and a billion hungry hero hopefuls just burst through the door like 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒏 𝒏𝒖𝒈𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒔

izuku is like "oh its too expensive" and aizawa is just holding a bag of rice, aizawa is like "its cheaper than the protein powder you have"

and izuku is like "yeah i mean its empty calories and im not paying that much for empty calories"

",,,"

"thats what you taught us sensei!"

"EMPTY CALORIES ARE ONLY A PROBLEM IF UR EATING TOO MUCH"

"and?"

"YOU HAVE 3 POTAOES FOR THE NEXT 2 WEEKS"

"i can put some back if you want?"

"THATS EXACTLY WHAT I DONT WANT"

#bnha au #bnha #aizawa shouta #aizawa #eraserhead #midoriya izuku #Izuku #Midoriya #erasermic #present mic #bakugou katsuki #all might #yagi toshinori #shinsou hitoshi #quirkless erasure au

945 notes · View notes

whereconfusionisarhyme · 4 years

Text

First Reactions To Logan’s Playlist

K first song let’s do this

White and Nerdy-Weird Al Yankovic

Wtf this song was definitely Joan’s idea I mean who else would think of ‘White and Nerdy’ for Logan

Is this like canon he listens to this stuff or like songs about him???

Not Perfect-Tim Minchin

TIM MINCHIN

Bo Burnham better be on Logan's playlist

#deep

Is this about the mindpalace/inside of Thomas’ head??? Cause like???? Ouch???? I think????

Lol nvm it’s not sad lmao

I take back my take back it is sad

So this could be literally “in his mind” or it could be figurative and it’s really messing with my funky flow

Streaks-ANIMA!

Cool instrumental

Love the voice sounds a little like MARINA and Regina Spektor

Oh no I’m two lines in and I can tell it’s gonna be sad

OH NO CONFORMITY RELATED ANGST AHHHHH

Wow Logan is just out here being relatable isn’t he smh 😔👊

"Cause you're a smart kid, but you're still a kid" LOGAN REALLY BE OUT HERE BEING RELATABLE ON MAIN

The Elements-Tom Lehrer

Sounds like what piano class would sound like if I took piano class

Something you would listen to in science class

Bop

Medicine-STRFCKR

A Fever You Can't Sweat Out vibes

Lmao nvm

Gonna go look up the lyrics rn brb

A sad bop

Philosophy cool

Human-Tank And The Bangas

Logan playing this to comfort himself because this singer is the only person who has ever told him this

WHO HURT LOGAN WITH THEIR WORDS

LOGAN THE HEART SKIPPING COMMENT ARE YOU OKAY IM GIVING YOU A HUG

GUYS LOGAN IS TRYING TO CONVINCE HIMSELF THAT HE MATTERS IM NOT OKAY

Last???? Relationship???

Okay I'm not a shipper BUT my theorist analysis obsessed brain is just SCREAMING about Roman and Patton

Observation: Logan is probably atheistic and this song covers God a lot. I don't have a conclusion or anything just pointing that out

This woman do be calming tho like yes I'm beautiful yes I'm special thank you

Okay so I already knew Logan wasn't okay but he 100% isn't okay

Fittet Happier-Radiohead

K two words in and I can tell this is gonna be sad here we go

Employees? Or maybe…other sides?

Minor key ok

SELF HARM ISNT OKAY

"WILL NOT CRY IN PUBLIC" NONONONO

So I heard of a good therapist just downtown-

The Watchtower-The Dø

I paused it cause I need a second after the last one

Guys as someone who dissosiates a lot I think Logan might be dissosiating

Dissosiating to protect himself from his emotions

Y'all just trust me in this one

Coming for the TØP brand I see

K ready to start again here we go

Fire beat I'm vibing with it

Is he trying to distance himself from his emotions to try and perform his tasks better like watching from a Watchtower???

This is the first character I've seen that might dissosiate which only means one thing

I'm gonna be projecting an unholy amount in my fanfiction

"No one in particular" hon who hurt you

City Lights=Emotions (which he considers distractions)??? Maybe??

I'm a William Finn fan come on this isn't my first rodeo

Art Is Dead-Bo Burnham

BO BURNHAM I WAS RIGHT

We all love some good Imposter Syndrome (tm)! :D

This gives Learning New Things About Ourselves' a whole new meaning

Ngl this is the first time I heard the degrading of the piano at the end and I'm here for it

In My Mind-Amanda Palmer

Oop we LOVE setting up impossible expectations for yourself to the point you have a cripplingly horrid self esteem! :D

Logan I've done this before and trust me it isn't worth it the mental breakdowns are too taxing

I'll do it when I'm older=I'm never gonna get around to it

I don't wanna be the person I wanna be either

Why do I perfectly understand every lyric am I ok

Live!!! While you!!!! Can!!!!

At least there's a happy ending

Okay so I've decided that once I'm done I'm gonna make a list of songs I think would fit in the playlist

Algorythym-Childish Gambino

K its spelled incorrectly get ready for some metaphors my dudes

Intro is cool definitely very very Logan WOAH OKAY CHAIN SMOKER

Gonna go look up lyrics I don't understand shit

The chorus sounds like Thanksgiving at my Aunt's house where like 100+ African American relatives blast house music and dance until their feet falls off

Nvm no it doesn't

GO OFF

ELPHABA BETTER WATCH OUT CHILDISH GAMBINO IS COMING FOR YOUR BELT

Adlibs are everything

Letter C-Zach Sherwin

This gives off the same vibes as that one pickle video by Charlie Puth

Roman vs Logan rap battle but it's this

I don't really see why this is related but sure

Time Adventure-The Marcus Hedgehog

Nostalgiaaaaaa

Okay Logan has too many songs talking about one (1) person who is it

I have a gut feeling that it's about Thomas and how Logan used to be enough "back then" but now he thinks he's not cause like let's be honest when was the last time someone gave Logan a strong sincere thank you for all that he does????Excluding DWIT (which doesn't really count in my opinion cause they said he was cool, not like an integral and arguably the most important and powerful side) nobody really appreciates Logan???? Hugs???

Anyway plz ignore this is just how my brain works

K next song

The Breach-clipping.

OKAY SLOW DOWN IM GONNA LOOK UP LYRICS

Is this Daveed Diggs???? I haven't listened to Hamilton in like forever is this Daveed Diggs???

LITERALLY PERFECY PARRALLEL TO LOGAN AND THE SIDES

Sound effects

Really just gonna fry my eardrums like that huh

What I Do For U-Ra Ra Riot

Okay scrap anything and everything I said about it being the sides Logan is 100% talking about Character!Thomas

Erase Me-Ben Folds Five

Ooh this intro reminds me of this one particular musical songs but I don't remember which one

Wait have I listened to this before????

I've listened to this before!

Okay I need to stop being distracted

NOOOOOO don't Erase Yourself!!!!

Logan really just do be having no Self Esteem don't he

Okay so theory: Logan didn't pop up in person in the last video because his eyes were too red from crying

I have 0 evidence so it's not a very good theory but…

Just throwing it out there

One More Time with Feeling-Regina Spektor

Oh no it's Regina Spektor

Oh no I'm gonna cry

Okay so Logan doesnt wanna block of all emotion, only permit some to show???? But most of the time block everything????

Did I get that???

Nobody!!!! Thanks!!!! Logan!!!!

Awww he just wants love and recognition

Tbh this sounds a lot like Roman they have so much in common despite their constant arguing

Galaxy Song-Monty Python

Ooh Monty Python

I haven't listened to Monty Python so I sadly don't know the context

Really just dissing all of the other sides aren't we

Can't really blame him tho

Very scientific

"Yeau~"

Sweet with dark undertones. Love it.

Equation-Hans Zimmer

Later I'm gonna check the equations if they're correct XD

Sunrise-In The Heights

!!!!!!

WHO???!!!!!

K to this is one of my favorite love songs ever it's just so sweet and as someone who's bilingual the concept is just amazingly wonderful so yeah I may be freaking out

Also because WHO??!!

Okay I said I wasn't a shipper but let's be honest this is probably about Roman not romantically but like

OR MAYBE JANUS???

IM SO CONFUSED

But Logan is definitely Nina in this situation it just fits so well with her character for the same reasons I really wanna play her (but never will cause I'm exactly 0% Latin American smh) yeah the pressures to be the smartest and then it backfiring horribly and oh God what if Inùtil is also in the playlist ahhhh

Okay moving on

Lifeboat-Heathers

WHAT

CONFORMITY RELATED ANGST LOGAN STOP BEING RELATABLE AHHHH

IS THIS CAPTAIN THOMAS??? THE OTHER SIDES AS A WHOLE??? AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT???

IM NOT OKAY

Bohemian Groove-Will Connolly

Okay I'm still not recovered from the last song but I need to continue or else I'm never gonna finish this playlist

Eeecccchhhhhoooo

Your friends haven't surpassed you Logan you belong with them okay????

Emptiness despite success??? Millennial who???

Vibing with it but also are you okay

Nvm I know the answer already

Hug All Ur Friends-Cavetown

Okay so Logan is a Cavetown gay noted

Self validation??? Who's she???

Lies. You care so much about what other people *sides* think about you

Maybe Logan listens to this song to remind himself to not care too much

But it doesn't work and it's getting to him more and more

That took a turn

Breathin'-Thomas Sanders

Good move

Don't really have much to say on this

The Bidding

Spoopy

Alchoholic!Logan

New idea for us fan writers

The pronunciation of beurgoise

Okay I'm like pretty certain at this point that all of the songs that mention a someone else is about Character!Thomas

A Better Version

OHMYGOD I LOVE THIS MUSICAL ITS SO UNDERRATED I HAVE LISTENED TO THE SOUNDTRACK AND UNGODLY AMOUNT OF TIMES YESSSSS

But also since I know the song in terrified cause the feels are gonna come in I just know it

Wait so is Jayce supposed to be Thomas???

I am suddenly feeling much more uncertain about my certainty

Okay let me unpause and just listen to it (even though I already know all of the lyrics)

Okay so I'm a dumbass and apparently this song isn't even part of the playlist

Okay so I'm an idiot and the last few songs have all been "related to playlist" and not in the actual playlist I'm big dumb.

Anyway here's my list of songs I think would fit. (BTW, I only went off of lyrics for these ones. I realize that there’s a general sound and vibe for the playlist, but I decided not to follow it.)

Oh No! ~ MARINA

Hug All Ur Friends ~ Cavetown

Bohemian Groove ~ Will Connolly

Guiltless ~ Dodie Clark

Lifeboat ~ Laurens O’Keefe

The Bidding ~ *idk who*

I Am Not A Robot ~ MARINA

Inútil - Lin Manuel Miranda

Through The Eyes Of A Child ~ AURORA

Community Gardens ~ The Scary Jokes

Let me know if I should do this with the other playlists as well! :)

#sander sides #ts sanders sides #sanders sides #thomas sanders #tss #logan sander angst #logan sanders #ts logan #logan’s playlist #first reaction #self harm mention #tw self harm

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fearfearer · 4 years

Text

more thoughts about the magnus archives as i reread the transcripts

i was thinking about how gertrude robinson was really an extraordinary person (not extraordinarily Morally Sound, but extraordinary) just because of who she was, whereas the only extraordinary things about jonathan sims are things that have been arranged for him (i.e. his role). i don't mean this as a diss for jonathan, as i'm not extraordinary either. it's just striking that gertrude was so driven and confident compared to jon. of course, now we know that basically everything she did was in the pursuit of a moot goal (i.e. killing people in order to stop rituals that were already doomed to fail) so maybe my point is somewhat moot as well.

i've been doing some rereading of episodes on my phone (i.e. away from this text document on my computer) and i'll have a realization like "right, i should note that down when i get back to my computer" and i have forgotten all of them now that i am back at my computer. suffice it to say there are quite a few things i misheard/misunderstood on the first listen, unsurprisingly.

reading through the first 20 or so episodes i'm surprised by how well i remember each of them, considering i was listening like 4 episodes a day when i started. then again, it was only a month or two ago that i even listened to them, so one should hope my memory is at least this good. anyway the first episode i'm re-listening instead of rereading is 22 bc that's the first one where we hear martin's voice, i'm pretty sure

i've also noticed some errors in the official transcripts, which aren't a big deal because obviously what matters most is the audio, but still... some of them have been simple typos. magnus archives hire me as your official transcriptionist and i'll make all your transcripts 100% error-free bc im smatr

(reading through the rest of the transcripts and my standards went way down in terms of grammar/stylistic consistency, as most of the later ones are fan transcripts by several different people. i found quite a few mistakes, but obviously i have no particular way to help fix them short of sending an email to the tma transcripts fansite person like “hey there’s all these mistakes. upload my good version instead?” bc i’m not that much of a dick)

the whole reason martin went to the spider guy's building was because he didn't want jon to be disappointed in him for not doing Due Diligence. he says so twice. then he went back for the same reason. it seems the fandom joke is "jon asks his assistants to do crimes for him" but in this case martin is like "oh no maybe i didn't do enough crimes to satisfy jon"

jon was doing his archivist voice HEAVILY in season 1, huh?

tim's first appearance is so jovial compared to how he ends up...

if this boat lady is speaking spanish in brazil, then it doesn't matter if it was "bad spanish" or not. anyway now i understand why we already knew peter lukas was serving the lonely by the time jon mentioned offhand that peter lukas was serving the lonely. it was my whole “let’s not bother noting down any FREQUENTLY RECURRING names”

well i guess robert smirke was a real person. should i feel dumb about this? idk. it’s such a fictional-sounding name, to be fair. but i guess that set the precedent of using a real person as an important historical figure in the fiction that we see happening again when edmund halley is referenced later on. also episode 35 has foreshadowing for the separation of 14 powers, and people thought it was 13 because they mention 13 halls PLUS the one they came through.

totally forgot about tim goofing around in episode 39... he was really not having the worst time at this job before bad things started happening and he realized he was trapped, huh

the worms were trying to make a doorway into the Worm Wealm

ep 40 jon's like "I need to hear it. I need to record it. Or else I can't finish." (lightly abridged)

listening to the season 1 Q&A for the first time and EARL BIGMAC

also good to know there's only going to be 5 seasons. very good to know. this seems like a good kind of series to write with a fixed endpoint in mind, as it's very easy to do an episode that has effectively no bearing on the MetaPlot but which is still a short story in itself and therefore doesn't count as "filler"

jonathan sims performs with a mythical space pirate music cabaret. so he IS a ham

jonny says, "no rude words. i could say bums, maybe..." (alexander j newall does a laugh while i do the exact same laugh irl) "...but i won't."

some dumbass writing into the Q&A to ask if the background music is diegetic... get a podcast brain, ya fool. though for my part, i have to say that one of the most striking things about this podcast when i first started listening (though i never made a note of it before) was the Too Spooky Music, and i didn't like it at all. the reason was that i am, and have been, vulnerable to Getting Spooked about irrational things at night, such that it becomes really hard to fall asleep... and one of the things that has an outsize effect on my level of Spookédness is spooky audio. so if i was watching a video at night and i was worried it would Get Me Spooked, i would just turn the sound off, and it would turn out fine. but obviously you can't turn the sound off on a podcast. and i've been listening to podcasts after work, i.e. after 5pm, and i go to bed at like 8 or 9pm because i'm old. so the way it turned out was that even if the actual subject of the podcast wasn't that scary to me, the music would amplify it in an unpleasant way and make me more likely to have trouble sleeping. also i think most of the episodes would have been fine without the music, or maybe with some less intentionally-disconcerting background music.

this just in: i seem to have totally missed episode 50 on my first listen-through, despite having gone in linear order. bc i'm listening to it now and i've definitely never heard this before. fortunately it doesn't seem to have much of a bearing on the rest of the series, so it's not like i missed any crucial information. tbh the only worthwhile bit was a brief moment of tim being a ham, which was good. i hope i didn't miss any other episodes the first time... still don't know how i managed to miss this one.

the official transcript said [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PIPE MURDER] ...

so gertrude and leitner WERE played by jonny's parents <:3c i'd thought as much when i saw the cast names but i like that it's confirmed. his mom is a really good actress too. i always find the gertrude episodes to be striking in a certain way

"it's Fine working with your parents. it's Fine." as someone who worked with my mom for like a year i can confirm this

i'm tickled to find that the official transcripts have a sense of humor. i wonder who is behind them. i also wonder, what is the excuse for not having a full set of official transcripts when it is a script-based show? surely you know what is going to be said beforehand, and you have it written down, and if someone ends up saying something different in the final recording, surely it wouldn’t be too hard to give the original script a little edit, and bam! that’s a transcript. i wonder if this approach is not feasible for some reason.

whenever martin reads statements, he says something about jon... whenever he talks to someone, he says something about jon

i think episode 110 is an instance of the tape recorder turning ITSELF off... at the end of the episode. because they walk away, and they say something distantly, and then it turns off. lots of other times, there had to be a diegetic reason for the tape recorder to turn off at the end.

i noticed something which i missed last time, which was that there is a rumor between melanie and georgie and basira that implies that jonathan is asexual. worth noting, i think. [side note added in later: yeah it’s canon. cool]

also i listened to episode 103 again and yes. i had thought-- i had been SURE-- that the person interrogating the traffic cop (using the asky ability) was martin. but it was actually jon. how did i possibly manage that mistake? i'm not great at distinguishing voices, but i'm not THAT bad. the only possible answer: when i was listening to the episode for the first time... i must have been eating a crunchy snack.

"it doesn't have to make sense! alex has to make it sense." (jonny sims re: writing the spiral)

glad to know that jonny sims regrets using his own name for the protagonist. doesn't make a difference either way at this point but yeah

YES i knew episode 100 was improvised. and i see, all the statementers had actually had supernatural experiences, but because the archivist was absent, their statements didn't have the coherence and clarity normally lent to them by the eye (in exchange for becoming cursed). i think melanie or basira actually said pretty much that in the episode itself, but i still couldn't be sure that all of those people had something real to talk about.

"in the same way that tim is dead, michael is helen." good shit

the archivist is canon a bit of a drama queen. the first bullet point in my first tma notes document is vindicated

jonny sims mentions another podcast (apocrypals) that sounds 100% up my alley, so that is appreciated, i will add that to my list i think. (listened to episodes 0 and 1 of apocrypals and i'm heavily struck by how VERY clearly i can hear the smiles in chris sims's voice. i did not know smiling could be so audible, truly.) (listened to quite a few more episodes of apocrypals and it’s certainly entertaining at times. i should’ve been reading along though. maybe some other time)

I DIDN'T LISTEN TO THE SEASON 4 TEASER THE FIRST TIME AROUND.........................................

i must confess something that people who know me well may already know: i hate when stories have a bad ending. an unhappy ending. a painful ending. a hopeless ending. bittersweet is the furthest in that direction i can tolerate. my perspective, which is pretty deep-seated, is that there's no point in getting to know and love characters if you're only going to be hurt by that connection to them when the end turns out to be bad. if i have even a mild inkling that a story is heading toward a bad ending, i make a conscious effort to regard all characters from afar and not develop any strong attachments. this is not so much "how i think all stories need to be," but rather, "the characteristics a story needs to have to appeal to me personally." so i understand that my view is very subjective and mostly based on my own mental weakness. but i can't help but apply it to the media i consume. and the idea that someone would do something like "make characters very human and strongly developed" IN COMBINATION WITH "heading toward a bad end" makes me upset. like, picture a horror movie. think about the characters in a horror movie. with the exception of a main character, if there is one, there's no guarantee that anyone is going to survive to the end of the film... BUT... the characters generally aren't fleshed out and very sympathetic. i wouldn't go so far as to say they're disposable, but you're not SUPPOSED to cry when they die; you're just supposed to get scared. their purpose is as objects of fear, and you never expect or even hope for a happy ending. but in the magnus archives... all i'm saying... is that i would cry if any of the remaining members of the main cast died. and it seems clear that we're not heading to a happy ending. so i'm somewhat afraid, and not in a good way. i don't know how much i can trust jonny sims to give me the story i want, and obviously, i'm not entitled to it.

if your name is jonathan and you want to shorten it, the short form is jon. it ain't john, no matter what the official transcripts say. where'd you get that h, huh? stole it from someone else's name? are you shortening it like JOnatHaN? you can’t just be that sneaky!

i listened to scrutiny again and it hits so hard. now, in heart of darkness, when manuela begs jon not to force her statement, it's really heavy given the direct context of the previous two episodes where we see how compulsion works and how it hurts.

also when jon was talking about how to destroy the dark sun and he was like "i just need to see it," when i first heard it, i assumed he meant something along the lines of, "by seeing it, i will learn how to destroy it." but now i understand that the mere act of the eye seeing it destroys it, because being known is what the darkness is weakest to.

the magnus employees who work in the library probably at least have a LITTLE BIT of a feeling that they work in an almost normal place, given that jon and all his assistants were able to have that impression before transferring to the archives. so i wonder how the magnus library people feel about their institute's director getting arrested for double murder and now the big boss is a completely unrelated ship captain who seems to want nothing to do with the place but simultaneously is trying to continue business as usual

on second listen, listening to jon ask helen when the guilt stops (wrt hurting people in order to feed one's patron fear) is pretty chilling. because it seems like he's definitely accepting that he will have to hurt people, and what he's concerned about is how bad it makes HIM feel. of course, helen then answers with precisely what i just wrote, so...

i should've read the transcript for episode 159 instead of relistening because i forgot that peter lukas's actor got so gravelly and hard to listen to in this one. anyway, time to re-listen to the season 4 finale... then i'll listen to the season 4 Q&As and stuff... and then the new episode. (DOKI DOKI DOKI DOKI DOKI)

i heard in the Q&A that the voice of peter lukas did multiple takes for episode 159?! but it was because of technical difficulties. right. because i can’t imagine the way it turned out being deemed the best take. sorry

ok, things i missed last time i listened to 160: daisy and the other two hunters are missing. also jon mentioned "magnus's body" and martin mentioned "an old man's corpse" and at the time i took this to mean (somewhat unthinkingly) that when jon and martin returned from the lonely, they killed elias/jonah's body. which would be a weird thing to happen "off-camera," so to speak. so i think i must have been wrong? slightly confused. ok, no, i'm now sure that elias survived, so i must have misunderstood. definitely alive.

as martin leaves and jon is about to begin the statement, he sounds so peaceful and satisfied. that's good acting.

by the way, in one of the previous few episodes, i noticed that jonah seems to have body-swapped by switching out his eyes into his preferred body, which i'm pretty sure i missed the first time.

i like that jonny sims checks reddit to see whether people have solved the mystery. that's just a really funny way to do things, sneaking a peek like "hmm how mysterious is my mystery? let's see who has figured it out..." and for the record, i wasn't even close to figuring it out. but to be fair to myself, i didn't try. like i said from the beginning, i started listening with the intent of going along for the ride. plus the mystery had already been solved before i started listening to the series, so it's not like i had a lot of time in between updates to contemplate whether elias was jonah, etc.

JON'S AMERICAN ACCENT FOR THE IONIZED YEAST AD

ALEX WAS THE VOICE OF JARED HOPWORTH?! i mean it was so messed up it could have been anybody but god

ALEX DIDN'T LET GERTUDE CACKLE

i've listened to the bloopers (including a gertrude cackle?) and the season 5 trailer (martin seems slightly cavalier about the end of the world but maybe he's just trying to keep his shit together for jon) and i'm going to listen to the new episode Soon.

final conclusion on rereads/relistens: i had pretty poor comprehension of some important happenings. i’m realizing just how easy it is to mishear/fail to hear exactly what is happening in a podcast when you’re doing other stuff at the same time. there are still a couple things i don’t quite understand, but i think i’ll have a look around the wiki one of these days.

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wetalkinboutbooks · 5 years

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Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan

Summary: Each year, eight beautiful girls are chosen as Paper Girls to serve the king. It's the highest honour they could hope for...and the most demeaning. This year, there's a ninth. And instead of paper, she's made of fire.

In this richly developed fantasy, Lei is a member of the Paper caste, the lowest and most persecuted class of people in Ikhara. She lives in a remote village with her father, where the decade-old trauma of watching her mother snatched by royal guards for an unknown fate still haunts her. Now, the guards are back and this time it's Lei they're after -- the girl with the golden eyes whose rumoured beauty has piqued the king's interest.

Over weeks of training in the opulent but oppressive palace, Lei and eight other girls learns the skills and charm that befit a king's consort. There, she does the unthinkable -- she falls in love. Her forbidden romance becomes enmeshed with an explosive plot that threatens her world's entire way of life. Lei, still the wide-eyed country girl at heart, must decide how far she's willing to go for justice and revenge. (Taken from Goodreads).

Our Ratings:

→ Geena: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

→ Kae: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Overall: We really enjoyed this book!! It was well-written, had both engaging characters and an interesting plot. The world building is well done, the plot twists are WILD, and the romance is wholesome. TW: Assault, but Natasha handles that well. The spoiler-full discussion is below the cut.

The Good:

Lei and Wren

Kae: Okay. So we have Lei, the main character with these ~wonderful~ golden eyes. She is taken from her home on account of her golden eyes and delivered to the King as a gift. This all happens because a guard wants to get back on the Kings good side. Now, our girl is a concubine

Geena: We also meet Wren and we know almost nothing about her other than she’s hot (according to Lei) and cold. In addition, a group of other concubines, one of which... Blue... has it out for Lei.

Kae: Wren! I liked Wren from the start. She captured my attention the way she captured Lei’s. She’s always watching. Always calculating. Always alert. We soon learn that Wren’s cold demeanor is just a facade and she’s secretly a bad bitch.

Geena: I agree, I also liked that Wren was written aloof, but not like an asshole like Blue was shown to be. Both Blue and Wren were from powerful families, but Wren knew how to act. Also! The development we see from Lei seeing Wren and just thinking she’s hot like every other girl and slowly falling for her was *chefs kiss*.

Kae: Watching Lei slowly fall in love with Wren was so nice to see. In a lot of YA books, the character meets the love interest in one chapter, then they’re declaring their love two chapters later. So it was refreshing to see them fall for each other the way they did. I liked how the audience knew Lei liked Wren, but LEI DIDN’T KNOW SHE LIKED WREN. Silly girl! Wren also takes her time with Lei and allows Lei to take the lead most of the time. They’re going at Lei’s speed and whenever she isn’t ready for something, Wren backs off like the suave lady she is.

Geena: Oh my god, you’re so right, I didn’t even notice. Wren is probably the most respectable love interests I’ve seen written in a long time, she didn’t force Lei into doing anything she didn’t want to. And like Kae said, it wasn’t INSTA-LOVE, also I don’t know if I’d classify this as YA? More like New Adult, since it does deal with mature subjects like assault. Also god, every time Lei was like “Wren looked ravishing, and it made me feel a type of way… I wonder why…” I wanted to throw my book, she was clearly infatuated but refused to acknowledge her feelings.

Kae: “NA.” That should be a genre. New Adult. That’d work really well. YA shouldn’t even be “YA”. It should be like, not “YA”. ANYWAY. UNRELATED. Yes. Lei had a BIG OL CRUSH. Like, GIRL. YOU LIKE HER. MAKE A MOOOVE. And then… Wren made the move. UGH POETIC CINEMA. Or... Poetic literature.

Geena: Overall, Natasha wrote a really sweet wlw pairing, and it was refreshing to read… Especially the fact that it was well written AND the main pairing, and not just a jab at “diversity” a lot of books tend to do. 10/10 Romance.

Worldbuilding

Geena: Time to dive into that furry shit. First off, the author takes inspiration from her Malaysian roots, which is cool and all but GODDAMN there was some furry shit going on. She did explain the class separations and overall history really well, right?

Kae: I 100% agree with you on the furry shit and how well everything is explained and written. So basically, we have the Moon Caste (the full on furries/demons) which are the ruling/upper caste. The Steele caste (humans who have partial animal/demons qualities) aka the middle class. Then last but not least (well, absolutely the least in their case), the paper caste who are humans with no special qualities. Except Lei, who has literal golden eyes.

Geena: Natasha did a really good job on simplifying the differences between the castes and the history that led to their current states. BUT I wasn’t sure of how her magic system worked? Like can only furries be shaman, how do people become shamans? Are they born with it, or is it Maybelline. ANOTHER THING, it was kind of hard to visualize the demons she described, only because my lizard brain always thought of the animals from Kung Fu Panda. Though one thing that threw me for a loop was the fact that Natasha chose to have a Bull-Form demon as the king, because 99% of the time Lions are used to represent rulers (It was cool ngl). What wasn’t cool was when Lei called the king handsome.

Kae: GEENA I CACKLED. But yes! Kind of freaked me out that she thought he was a cutie. Also was super interesting to not have the king be a lion. But I guess she was going for something different? It definitely works! Natasha also elaborated on the uh- *ahem* way that they’re all built the same when it comes to certain parts which made me think and I didn’t like my thoughts! First thought: HOW? Second thought: OUCH! Third thought: Size LMAO! But give it up to Natasha for explaining that in the simplest way possible without making me have any more than those three thoughts. Either way, moving on, did we explain that Wren, Lei, and these other girls are his concubines? I think we missed that. Surprise…? The Bull King also goes on to explain how he doesn’t have his own name. I also got a hint of him being a little… off. Off as in kind of crazy. Eh?

Geena: RIGHT I FORGOT that by the end the so-called ‘handsome’ Bull King goes batshit crazy, and I’m wondering if this was the product of the Sickness (which isn’t really discussed) or him being mad that he’s shooting dust and has no kids. Also, thank you for Natasha for constantly reminding us that he was jacked. BUT ANYWAYS.

The Bad:

Characters that DIED for NOTHING

Geena: Kenzo and Zelle were two different characters that provided both Wren and Lei with support as they all conspired to be free from the King. Kenzo (Wolf demon) being the King’s advisor and Wren’s training partner, and Zelle lowkey Lei’s confidant (who was also a prostitute). BOTH were passionate and the part of the same cause: Get rid of the King and liberate themselves. But then THEY DIE… FOR WHAT? For that BITCH to still be ALIVE?

Kae: Kenzo and Zelle. Both very likeable characters and both a little sketchy at the start. Just a little. But yes, as Geena stated, they totes died for nothing and it was such a huge let down to see them fall. Especially Kenzo (at least for me), because I thought he had a chance. In the end, he didn’t make it. You know who SHOULD’VE got murked in the end? Blue’s little annoying ass.

Geena: I LOVED KENZO. I have this bad habit of getting attached to side characters the inevitably don’t play a big role. It would’ve been cool to see his motivations behind getting rid of the King. Zelle, who was paper caste, had made her motivations clear. But Kenzo? Also, Lei and Wren essentially lost, as Natasha described it, a ‘brotherly’ figure. FOR WHA?. 0/10 character deaths that made sense. Blue should’ve eaten shit for ratting out Lei/Wren.

Kae: EAT SHIT BLUE.

The Ugly:

The Demon King

Kae: Alrighty. The Demon King aka little BITCH. The Demon King presents himself as somewhat of a decent bull-man at first. He is described as handsome and like Geena said earlier, freakin’ ripped. Suspicion of him not being too good of a dude came to me after he had finished with one of the girls. She came back bruised and beaten and shooketh. Didn’t like that. I assume these girls are a lot smaller than him so I expected him to be… gentler? At least considerate. But, that was just a glimpse. When Lei is finally summoned, she decides that she absolutely does NOT want the Bull-King D and fights the guy off of her. He doesn’t like that… at all. He’s up in arms and ready to fight because he has been denied something he wants. Lei is sent to what’s basically solitary confinement for a week with no food. But she does get a special visitor who brings her food and potential cuddles. The King doesn’t summon Lei for quite some time after that and when he finally does, he takes what he was denied from the start. The scene, thank goodness, is not described. But the after-thats what sucks. Lei is beaten and battered and bruised and has to be carried to her rooms. It’s horrible and I couldn’t imagine how that must’ve been. Especially since he’s a literal animal humanoid. Blegh.

Geena: KAE SUMMED IT UP SO WELL. The king, who has no name and honestly he doesn’t deserve one, is the embodiment of an entitled piece of shit that deserves to be made into ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS. The scenes that we get a glimpse of including him and the girls is scarring, he does NOT know the meaning of consent and it’s obvious the way he wrecks Lei that he doesn’t care. That made me unbelievably uncomfortable and like you said, I’m so glad that we weren’t subjected to a description of that. In addition, the King was also manipulative as fuck? The way he made Aoki (another concubine, and Lei’s friend) fall in love with him *cough* Stockholm syndrome *cough*. We hate his guts, and he should’ve choked on his blood but :/ I guess the fact that we hate him with such a passion is a good indication that he’s a well-written villain. How the hell he only have like 4 scenes but those 4 scenes just emitted the WORST VIBES. The moment lei said he was handsome and jacked I knew this bitch was going to fuck shit up (a handsome bull demon…. Like really,,, if we’re leaning into that furry shit the only handsome demons are tiger and wolf demons).

Conclusion

Kae: ALRIGHTY Y’ALL. So this concludes our thoughts of Girls of Paper and Fire. I give it a 9/10. I really enjoyed it and it was a good read. The story was very well written as were the characters. I hope we get to see a little more of the magic of this world in the next book. I look forward to what more Natasha has to tell.

Geena: I’d give it an 8.5/10, the 0.5 less comes from the fact that the bitchass king survived at the end. Personally, he could’ve died and there could’ve still been another book BUT I DIGRESS. AND I AGREE, it’s a well-written story with likeable characters, and I’m curious to see how Natasha tackles the mystery behind Lei’s golden eyes in the upcoming books.

#Girls of Paper and Fire #Natasha Ngan #booklr #book review #Lei Zhi #bookworm #Bookblr

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archmage--khadgar · 5 years

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Hia! I always feel happy when I see one of your posts pop up on here c: why do you like Khadgar?

*Stares into space* OH GOD THIS IS gonna probably be a long post. HERE WE GO.So uh. I always really like Karazhan and the lore around it, hardcore fell in love with Medivh and pretty much ANYTHING in game that was connected I ate it up. I got the urn, the keys, all the rings, all the rep, you name it. I tried SO HARD to get Atiesh from the old Naxx but that didn’t happen. (I AM STILL SAD ABOUT THAT.) So that was -kind of- the start. In order for the next part to make sense, need to sidestep and backtrack a wee bit for context.Not to be all sob story, but I gotta be honest, I spent most of my childhood alone (either outside or in my room), reading, playing out epic stories with my toys, exploring the outdoors, and most of my social interactions with people I was either being bullied by kids at school or my mother. And y’know, despite all the stories I read or watched on t.v it was a loooong while before there were characters that made me go….”Holy SHIT I know what that’s like!?” Like there was a difference, to me, between characters like Michelangelo and Beetlejuice that I REALLY WANTED to hang out with, and then a character that made me go….”I know exactly how that character feels. What happened to them, happened to me.”Digimon was the show that broke that mold for me when not only were there two characters who had DIVORCED PARENTS!??? Like me, there was a girl who had a REALLY BAD and unhealthy relationship with her mother. (But she was still powered by love, which was awesome.)This kinda started getting me into other stuff because the more characters I found that I could relate to, the easier it was to explain how I felt to strangers and it made friend finding a little bit easier. FAST FORWARDING A LITTLE BIT.

So I certainly have a character -type- that I relate to the most. And it’s chaotic bookwork with anxiety. Fun fact: I am always dubbed “the twilight sparkle” of friend groups IRL because I was always, ALWAYS the one who was solving friendship problems and I did that looong before the show. OOPH. THE BIG PROBLEM. Was that it was getting to the point where all the chaotic bookworms were either: Evil, female (and I love gals, but that’s not my gender identity ORZ), or like. largely hated by the fandom and were always mocked.Or some combination.SO LIKE. Hey, I get introduced to Medivh and his TOWER OF BOOKS and all that shit and it’s like “Fuck yeah sign me up bro, living alone? Shitty mom? I feel you.” But then, y’know. He was a wee bit possessed and not. Exactly the good guy SO THERE WAS THAT.And then. There was Khadgar.I hadn’t been able to find the last guardian book yet, though I had read about the lore highlights online so I was familiar and stuff.And then WoD came out. And Khadgar! Was doing stuff! Which got me excited because it was more of the Lore that I really liked, and during MoP, I was hardcore going…”THE LEGION IS COMING BAAAACK. I JUST KNOW IT. CAUSE WE DIDN’T KILL KJ. SKREE.” I got called crazy and stupid a few times BUT HEY. Jokes on you fuckers I was *right*.Anyways!That first quest chain into Tannan rolls in. And it’s just. Khadgar. Being Khadgar. “Well, then I guess we owe you one.” scene hit every…“Oh fucking god bless Khadgar for the sarcastic sass”Because I really enjoy sarcasm and it’s more obvious in voice chat or in-person but my sass rhythm and tone, especially if I’m ranting is veeery similar to Khadgar’s sass.And then the PUNS. Listen. *Listen*. I hear an opportunity for a pun and I have to take it. I have to. If I try to hold it in my face starts smiling like the Cheshire cat and I sometimes let out a high pitched “eeeeeee” until given permission. After that quest chain, I quickly noticed that no one had rolled a Khadgar blog. No one! And well, I was all about having a blog where I could be free to make jokes all the time. IIRC, my first post was…”The party has arrived~!” Or something like that. I honestly didn’t expect much to happen cause I didn’t have any friends or anything like that and all the wow blogs all pretty much had their followings already and I was uh…a WEE BIT ALONE. But I was like “well even if this blog doesn’t go off I’ll at least have an outlet where I can just be me where no one will harass me.”Cause gotta be honest, I’ve never been well-liked. There was never a place for bookworms who liked puns and had anxiety in the world I lived in. If I acted like myself I was hated, and in order to fit in, I had to be someone else, which was a ditzy stupid, lazy girl. I wasn’t allowed to be trans, (still not back in Maine), or smart, and….yeah. But hey! On tumblr, I can RP a male character that had my same sense of humor and sass and BE MYSELF and NOT BE A GIRL and all my IRL haters wouldn’t be able to stop me.And then uh, A THING HAPPENED. I no longer have the original blog because of reasons I’ll mention later, so I CAN’T REMEMBER who first started sending me asks but I know @kiyastrasza was one of them (she passed away suddenly a few months ago and I miss her SO MUCH.) But then like, I DON’T KNOW. I know I got a few initial asks because “fuck yeah finally a khadgar blog” and honestly, I thought my blog was rubbish because it was 80% me just being my sassy nerd self and 20% studying his word usage for more serious things and getting my hands on every scrap of Khadgar related lore.”So I fully expected to get called out on being canon divergent or a shitty Khadgar or SOMETHING. Or have people ONCE AGAIN be like….”This character archetype is annoying and stupid and we all fucking hate him and hate you for rping him.”But that didn’t happen. In fact the EXACT OPPOSITE HAPPENED.My ask box kept getting filled with puns to be approved, rhyming his name with stuff became a thing and now even BLIZZ says “Dadgar” like jfc what even.And then like. I don’t even know, a lot of it is a blur because it all happened so fast but the BIGGEST THING.Was that for the first time ever, being myself wasn’t met with bullying and hate and people telling me to shut up and go away or anything like that.People -loved- Khadgar in-game. And people -loved- finding a Khadgar blog that “when I read their posts I can hear Khadgar’s voice”. And better yet? KHADGAR WASN’T A VILLAIN! (Don’t get me wrong, I loooove AU’s but imagine being a kid and you can only ever connect to villains and then people hate you anyways IT DOESN’T FEEL TOO GREAT).And uh. Yeah. I don’t really know where to go with this. But yeah! It was the first time where I felt like nothing was wrong with who I was. That there was nothing wrong with being book smart and having a sense of humor and looking death in the face and just eye-rolling and going “Well aiight.”I mean hell yeah there’s been an epic shit ton of drama with people being jealous and making shit up and who the hell even knows what any of that was about anymore, and there’s still plenty of bullshit in my life keeping me otherwise miserable and I’m getting really frustrated that every goal I try to accomplish gets utterly destroyed in some way and I’m currently an emotional husk and I 100% HAVE NOT been myself lately as I’m a mix of grieving and severely hurt and physically ill and I’ve been broken pretty damn hard and when I pull myself back together it’s probably going to be like. 11th Doctor just turning into cranky 12 and not being pleasant BUT. The muse is still strong, the muse is honestly probably the strongest thing about me. Not because I think that I’m actually, really Khadgar and that’s ME you’re talking to in game and Azeroth is real, etc, etc. But it’s strong because that type of muse was already something that was effortless for me and part of my personality foundation. And before the blog it was withering away and crumbling and I had no self-love to keep it going anymore and then the blog happened, and even though I still have 0 self-love, I genuinely hate myself, the love from others healed it, and my love for the character, I think, is my subconscious finding a weird loophole to get around the self-hate because I CAN’T HATE KHADGAR, and fucking hell whenever I make a pun irl and someone is a shithead about it or calls me annoying over voice chat, my brain is like. “Yeah, but if Khadgar were real. He’d laugh.” And eventually, it’s like….”OKAY FINE. IT WAS FUNNY. THAT PERSON IS JUST A SHITHEAD.” I can’t remember where I was going with that. Uhhhhhh……SOMETHING SOMETHING.I absolutely hate myself and feel as if I’m undeserving of love because I’m a horrible, broken person that makes stupid mistakes and is only good for hurting others and being a bitchB U TI hate myself a little bit less when I RP a character, like Khadgar, that lines up with one of my personality foundations, and the general response to it is people loving it and telling them I make them happy. I’ve still had more hate directed at me in the past (and sadly the present) than I have love. But uh. It doesn’t take much love to get me all sappy and crying and happy. (Hate is a tossup, a lot of hate I can take but certain, specific things will strike me hard and fast).SO LIKE. Uh. I know the majority of my foundation at the moment is either destroyed or heavily damaged, cause I’ve also been heckin angry a lot lately and I don’t know how to deal with that at all since it’s something new so a lot of my foundation wasn’t protected against that, and I’ve certainly died emotionally a few times more this year than my normal rate of it taking a couple years or more to emotionally die and regenerate. BUT THE PART that’s still holding fast and bouncing off all the negative self-destructive shit is because of Khadgar, and all 1,297 of you (give or take) that’ve either stuck with this blog since the beginning and through a blog deletion and change or have come recently. That send in everything from ARCANE MEAT to puns, to AU ideas to random nice things SO UH. This is turning into an awkward unexpected thank you, to all of you. dashjkIt’s more than likely that I will live the rest of my life absolutely hating myself, and it’s possible that the rest of my foundations may never heal or be repaired. Even though I can easily attach some of them to characters like Khadgar for the most part, I just….eh. I dunno. No outlet and it’s not prompted ever and…it hurts still cause they’re broken. Which, eh, whatever, healing can’t be forced or half-assed, cause you can’t expect a broken leg to heal as fast as a papercut, all you can do is wait and let things heal or you’ll make it worse, but then obviously you can’t heal EVERYTHING otherwise no one would ever be disabled, but REGARDLESS.I may always hate myself. But I’ll always love Khadgar. And YOU guys love Khadgar. And you enjoy me rping Khadgar. So then I guess MAAAAYBE.It helps. With making it worth. Sticking around for a little bit longer. :T

#THIS GOT SO LONG I'M SO SORRY #it won't let me put it under a cut SKREEE #long post #lothirielswan

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myfandomrambles · 5 years

Text

C-PTSD & BPD DOctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3c)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptom overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid.

11th Doctor:

The Eleventh Doctor is a character that is the perfect representation of instability. He oscillates from generally childish, a cold force of nature and a chaotic man broken from anger and grief. It’s a compelling characterization because it gives some unpredictability in a show that can be formulaic. This doctor also is driven by a fear of abandonment and lack of attachment, probably because everyone Ten came to care for left him or got left behind him, this is shown in the 0 to 100-way Eleven acts within relationships. He is very alien and doesn’t do much to try and blend in a normal sense but does to cover up why he does thing still aching for acceptance.

Eleven has the common Doctor trait of just running so nothing can touch you and avoid staying still in a very extreme state for much of the run, up until he has no other choice. It's a large part of the character’s arc stopping long enough to make a difference.

Lack a sense of internal identity/stable self-image and he uses the idea of The Doctor as a mask (TV: Eleventh Hour, TV: Victory of The Daleks, TV: The Wedding of River Song, TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship). The Doctor references this phenomenon “Look, three options. One, I let the Star Whale continue in unendurable agony for hundreds more years. Two, I kill everyone on this ship. Three, I murder a beautiful, innocent creature as painlessly as I can. And then I find a new name because I won't be The Doctor any more.”(TV: The Beast Below)

When introducing himself to Craige Eleven says;“ I'm The Doctor. Well, they call me The Doctor. I don't know why. I call me The Doctor, too. Still don't know why.” we know that there are reasons, like his promise that he chooses to use this title Eleven feels a disconnection from the word (TV: The Lodger) Being The Doctor is built on being that hero (TV: The God Complex)

The construction of the identity is remarked upon in TV: The Day of The Doctor, The Doctor itself is a construct they try and hold themselves to, the name is a “promise” a way they want to be. That promise was “Never cruel or cowardly. Never give up, never give in.”

Connects his identity and emotions to inanimate objects like his Bow Tie, Fez, and Sonic (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Hungry Earth, TV: The Snowmen, TV: The Rings of Akhaten, & TV: Hide)

Eleven also changes his affect and personality around other for example River. Amy points this out saying “You're letting people call you sir. You never do that.” (TV: Time of Angels)

The Doctor hates himself to a large degree even when talking himself up periodically. His self-concept often comes as a very powerful view of a god-like entity. This view is based on actual action and the way others see him, it can cause a huge dissonance and adds to his feelings of responsibility to everyone. (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang, TV: Day of the Moon, TV: The Wedding of River Song, TV: The Time of The Doctor & TV: The Day of The Doctor)

When Eleven, Amy and Rory get the psychic pollen in their brains The Doctor comments on the “dream Lord’; “No, no. No. Sorry, wasn't it obvious? The Dream Lord was me. Psychic pollen. It’s a mind parasite. It feeds on everything dark in you, gives it a voice, turns it against you. I'm nine hundred and seven. It had a lot to go on.” Amy is disturbed by this idea because the dream lord was both the villain of the dream and openly insulted Eleven like saying “If you had any more tawdry quirks you could open up a Tawdry Quirk Shop. The madcap vehicle, the cockamamie hair, the clothes designed by a first-year fashion student. I'm surprised you haven't got a little purple space dog just to ram home what an intergalactic wag you are. Where was I?” (TV: Amy’s Choice).

In TV: A Good Man Goes to War Eleven explicitly states he does not believe he is a good man. Eleven literally says “Oh no, no, no, no, no. Give me someone I like.” referring to when the TARDIS offers a holo doctor as the voice interface. This shows he does not have a positive opinion of himself.

In TV: The God Complex Eleven speaks the Minotaurs last words “An ancient creature, drenched in the blood of the innocent, drifting in space through an endless, shifting maze. For such a creature, death would be a gift. Then accept it, and sleep well. I wasn't talking about myself.” Eleven doesn’t seem to disagree, is caught off guard but seems to hit home. While Eleven doesn’t actively want to die and does try and live, but we can see that there are times when this does fail. He does view himself as broken down.

The Doctor’s rules are used as a kind of system of maintaining the idea of the ‘Doctor’ and a way of coping with the wrongs he has done, and a shorthand of communication (TV: The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood, &TV: Let’s Kill Hitler) These rules are also used in his own mind to try and give moral guidelines as part of this identity maintenance and to try and not hurt others. We see this in the comment Eleven makes “Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many.” (TV: A Good Man Goes to War)

The Doctor has a lot of guilt in his life, he is willing to let himself die for others, his imposed isolation and his rules all reflect this. (TV: Amy’s Choice, Minisode: Night and The Doctor, TV: A Good Man Goes To War, Prequel to Let's Kill Hitler, TV: Let’s Kill Hitler, TV: The Girl Who Waited, TV: The God Complex, & TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Name of The Doctor, TV: The Time of The Doctor, & TV: The Day of The Doctor) We see this really explicitly when he has the chance to find more time lords in TV: The Doctor's Wife and Amy reminds him what they thought he did to the others.

Eleven says “I can explain. Tell them why I had to.” Amy then says “You want to be forgiven.” The Doctor then replies, “Don't we all?”. In that same story, Eleven says “Another Ood I failed to save.” when the Ood dies, referencing his history of letting Ood die in fights like in TV: The Satan Pit.

After seeing the effect his story has had on those around him and the way it hurt people he cares about we see him delete himself from history out of guilt. (Home Video: The Inforarium, TV: Asylum of The Daleks and TV: Dinosaurs on a Spaceship, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, & TV: The Nightmare in Silver).

Guilt often leads to him raining in his outward shows of strength to not invoke more guilt or memories of things like his believed use of the moment. However, it’s not always the case when Karlah-Jax triggers his trauma the guilt manifests in hurting others. The Doctor justifies his actions with a combination of trauma-based guilt and his moral system saying: “But they keep coming back, don't you see? Every time I negotiate, I try to understand. Well, not today. No. Today, I honour the victims first. His, the Master's, the Dalek's, all the people who died because of my mercy!” (TV: A Town Called Mercy)

In TV: The Day of The Doctor we see how guilt is a huge diver of most of what they do throughout the show. Even to the point, the War Doctor wonders if without the guilt he would even become the same man that 10 and 11 are. However, it is important to note that using the moment isn’t the only guilt The Doctor carries. What he did to his companions is another one. Guilt and responsibility also drive a lot of the behaviour in TV: The Time of The Doctor.

Eleven has extreme difficulties with handling his impulsive behaviours (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone, TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Vampires of Venice, TV: Vincent and The Doctor, TV: The Curse of The Black Spot, TV: The Lodger, TV: The Doctor's Wife, Minisode: Space/Time. TV:Asylum of The Daleks, TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship, TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: The Rings of Akhaten, TV: Hide, TV: Journey To The Centre of The TARDIS, TV: The Name of The Doctor, & TV: The Day of The Doctor) His mind and thoughts get so ahead of himself he’ll do dumb things like baiting the armed people in the white house to shoot at him (TV: The Impossible Astronaut).

The Doctor has obsessive thoughts and behaviors connected with the impulse control and preoccupation with trauma (TV: Vincent and the Doctor,TV: The Wedding of River Song, TV: Closing Time, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Rings of Akhaten, TV: journey to the center of the TARDIS & TV: The Time of The Doctor).

Puts himself in deadly and dangerous situations. Often a combination of hero complex and a lack of regard for his own well being in dangerous moments. (TV: Victory of Daleks, TV: The Big Bang, TV: Let’s Kill Hitler, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: Hide, & TV: Journey To The Center of The TARDIS)

This behaviour can become almost suicidal in nature taunting and getting to close other enemies. In TV: Flesh and Stone he puts himself in more danger than necessary. One of his plans amounts to suicidal actions. We can see similar actions in TV: The Rings of Akhaten, TV: Nightmare in Silver and TV: Cold War where he is willing to kill everyone to save others.

After seeing The Doctor die Amy, River and Rory discuss what the next thing they should do is. We get this dialogue:

Rory: “We're not all going to arrange our own wake and invite ourselves. So, The Doctor, in the future, knowing he's going to die, recruits his younger self and all of us to, to what, exactly? Avenge him?”

River: Uh-huh. Avenging's not his style.

Amy: Save him.

Rory: Yeah, that's not really his style either.”

In this conversation, we see that they recognize that Eleven one doesn’t want his friends to act violently, and Rory also recognizes that The Doctor is willing to die for, whatever the astronaut was about. (TV: The Impossible Astronaut)

Has very strong and reactive emotional states. The emotional reactions are shown very visibly in his face, voice and actions. (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Victory of The Daleks, TV: The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone, TV: The Beast Below, Minisode: Space/Time, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: A Good Man Goes To War, TV: Let’s Kill Hitler, TV: The God Complex, TV: Asylum of The Daleks, TV: Dinosaurs on a Spaceship, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, & TV: Journey To The Center of The TARDIS ) We also often see extreme rapid cycling emotions and affect (TV: Amy’s Choice, TV: The Pandorica Opens, The Rebel Flesh / The Almost People, TV: Closing Time, TV: The Doctor's Wife, & TV: The Rings of Akhaten)

We see an example of this when Eleven is talking his effect going from slightly annoyed, excited and falls down to tired and then cold derision all in one paragraph length of speech “Home. Well, you two are. Off you pop and make babies. And you, Doctor Song, back to prison. And me? I'm late for a biplane lesson in 1911. Or it could be knitting. Knitting or biplanes. One or the other. What? A mysterious summons. You think I'm just going to go? Who sent those messages? I know you know. I can see it in your face. Don't play games with me. Don't ever, ever think you're capable of that.” (TV: The Impossible Astronaut)

In TV: The Doctor's Wife we see an expression of cold and extreme anger. He slips in an expression of cruelty in the way he talks to the people who live on House threatening them and telling them to run. Ith the TARDIS they kill the house with only callous anger and disregard. We see a similar show TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship when his anger at the lack of morality that Solomon shows and his treatment of the Silurians and Nefertiti he kills the man to save the others. He does this showing very little regret a combination of severe anger and his ability to shut down and dissociate from his emotions.

Another act of his anger common out in an act of manipulative violence is the TV: The Bells of Saint John by using the Base station to threaten to bring down and scare people into action and ends up using it.

An extreme example of how strongly his anger can run is seen when he learns of the actions of Kahler-Jex. He comes back angry at the lies and feeling deeply upset at the lies. It escalates with Jax telling The Doctor he doesn’t understand when The Doctor absolutely understand what position Jax was in. All of this peaks and when Kahler-Jex references The Doctor’s own trauma and actions in his history of not only the Time War but the other actions he’s had to take, along with the all the death he blames on his inactions as well. It pushes him to the edge of violence yelling and acting out physically. However, unlike other examples of The Doctor being willing to hurt others to protect something and/or someone he loves this time it’s out of a trigger to the past, he loses control of the anger he feels.

Jax “You wouldn’t”

The Doctor replies “I Genuinely don’t know.”

This shows that being so disconnected to the emotions his trauma brings makes this scene confuse him. (TV: A Town Called Mercy)

After Amy is captured Eleven shuts down his emotions, a strong emptiness comes over him which is different from Rory who has a level of desperation and love for Amy.

Rory says “Amy, can you hear me? We're coming for you. Wherever you are, we're coming, I swear.”

The Doctor answers; “She can't hear you. I'm so sorry. It's one way.”

Rory replies “She can always hear me, Doctor. Always. Wherever she is, and she always knows that I am coming for her. Do you understand me? Always.”

(TV: The Day of The Moon)

The Emotional shutdown can even form a block in his empathy, much like rage he sometimes swings the other way trying to not feel, TV: The Snowmen, but being unable to manage these he often starts lashing out to others by trying to act on feelings.

In TV: A Good Man Goes To War when Vastra points out he is seen as a weapon his emotions go from sadness to an episode of dissociation. We can see this as he loses the ability to register what the others are saying and has to be brought out of it. A similar event can be seen after an anger outburst and discussions truly close to his traumatic history his friends have with Kahler-Jax. Eleven goes almost blank facially and folds into himself emotional;y and physically. He isolates himself by stepping away and he completely loses the thread of the events around him. We see this when he says “Hmm? Yes. I don't know. Whatever Amy said.” It also melds with his wildly changing emotions as he flies into anger right after this. (TV: A Town Called Mercy). We also see dissociation in TV: The Girl Who Waited, The Time of Angels / Flesh and Stone & TV: The Snowmen)

We can see a physical manifestation in the way The Doctor physically acts as well. When he experiences dissociation and/or emotional shutdowns he curled into himself. (TV: The Day of The Moon, TV:The Girl Who Waited, TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: The Snowmen, & TV: Journey to The Center of The TARDIS ).

We can see another physical manifestation of the disconnection he feels from himself and the dissociation he has with his table identity when he gets dressed without his own knowledge, Seen in this exchange

The Doctors: “No, you didn't, because I don't. Because this isn't the sort of thing I do any more. Next time you're in trouble, don't expect me to”

(The Doctor is distracted by his reflection in a mirror.)

Clara “What is it? What's wrong?”

The Doctor: Sorry, it's just. Didn't know I'd put it on.

(TV: The Snowmen)

Memory gaps are also seen in TV: Hide when he doesn’t even know what’s in the console room and TV: The Day of The Doctor as he has lost track of his own age and timeline [Not remembering the events with the moment doesn't count] Also seen in TV: The Lodger

His emotions and trauma can bring Eleven to the point of pretty dramatic outbursts. When the Daleks are seen for the first time by Eleven expresses an episode of range attacks the Dalek with a wrench (TV: Victory of The Daleks) Fear and Anger lead to a panic and rage episode including throwing things around and losing focus (TV: Flesh and Stone). We see these trauma, guilt and anger based breakdowns screaming and pushing others away, saying “Nobody talk to me. Nobody human has anything to say to me today!” (TV: The Beast Below). We see a physical breakdown again in TV: The God Complex and TV: The Angels Take Manhattan.

A trauma-induced Panic Attack can be seen in TV: Asylum of the Daleks. He shows all the physical attributes and calls out for help a very uncharacteristic way of reacting showing a more heightened fear response. After this reminder of his trauma during the war, we see him struggle to return to the normal emotional level struggling to show compassion he normally has for human hurt by the Daleks reacting with rage at the Dalek shell that Oswin is trapped into. And panics again when she starts to move.

In TV: Nightmare in Silver just seeing a Cyberman he goes into protect mode his easily triggered survival and protective manner.

The Doctor is a show-off and is very dramatic to project the appearance he wants and hid a lot under it/ (TV: The Eleventh Hour, Minisode: Meanwhile in the TARDIS 2, TV: The Vampires of Venice, TV: The Big Bang, TV: The Doctor The Widow and The Wardrobe, TV: Day of The Moon, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: Let’s Kill Hitler, TV: A Christmas Carol, TV: The Wedding of River Song TV: The Asylum of The Daleks, TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV:The Snowmen, TV: The Bells of Saint John,TV: Journey to The Center of The TARDIS, & TV: The Day of The Doctor ).

Often done to people he wants to like him like Amy, saying: “A forest in a bottle on a spaceship in a maze. Have I impressed you yet, Amy Pond?”(TV: Flesh and Stone) When Eleven finds himself in the oval office he goes on a rant, flaunt his intelligence and sits in the president's chair. Enjoying Putting on a show for his friends as well it works to refocus control and attention to him. (TV: The Impossible Astronaut)

In TV: A Good Man Goes To War we see a huge example of this. It is a combination of the way using confusion and manipulation is The Doctor's signature method of fighting enemies but it also is a way he enjoys getting positive and negative attention.

Amy Pond is His favourite person and they both have a codependent relationship to a very high degree. Both being a defining part of the others life. Eleven while not really wanting a romantic relationship with Amy still experiences worry around Amy wanting to leave him some jealousy with Rory (TV: The Vampires of Venice) Is deeply protective over Amy even when he does bring in to dangerous situations (TV: The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone, TV: Victory of The Daleks, TV: Vincent and The Doctor, & TV: The Pandorica Opens). Eleven struggles to attach healthy to others wanting this full 100% or 0% love (TV: The Eleventh Hour. TV: The God Complex, & TV: The Power of Three)

We this complete or zero attachment in action again in TV: The Snowmen with Clara. Going from a lockout of people in general to trying to make her come with him and feeling a deep connection in the matter of a day. Even when he doesn’t trust River Song yet he becomes jealous when she gives attention to others like saying “What? You two engaged or something?” when the father follows her around (TV: Flesh and Stone)

His extreme connection to his companions magnifies his own grief tenfold causing pretty deep reactions when losing his FP in the form of Amy. (TV: The Angels Take Manhattan & The Snowmen). His general problems with attachment magnify grief and loss in general, he struggles to form normal relationships and has deep abandonment issues that we see starting a few doctors back. This is further compounded by his long lifespan meaning he can see the way people are eventually going to lose them. In TV: The Power of Three he explains the way he knows loss is coming and tries to lose it, but when hitting this realization hard on he actually attempts to severe the bond before getting really hurt but that doesn’t work. He then pushes everyone again when the loss does it. (TV: The Snowmen). Clara points out that she is competing with a ghost in TV: The Rings of Akhaten, which while he rebuffs this she was actually right, one because he only picked her up based on a past loss but also because for a very long time the companions are competing with the ghost of past loss as it informs how protective and guilty The Doctor is with everyone.

This struggle with grief can also be seen in TV: The Time of The Doctor when The Doctor as he sends Clara away to not deal with losing her even though that isn’t what she wants.

Likes to be in control of everything to feel like he can manage a world that constantly throws pain and disorder. (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Vampires of Venice, TV: The Hungry Earth/Cold Earth, TV: The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Curse of the Black Spot, TV: The Crimson Horror, TV: Nightmare in Silver, TV: Cold War, & TV: The Name of The Doctor)

Eleven takes control no matter who is around them, up to and including the president of the united states (TV: The Impossible Astronaut/Day of The Moon). There is also often the need to try and protect people, though this often bothers the people as it takes their choice from them. (TV: A Christmas Carol, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: The God Complex, TV: Asylum of The Daleks, & TV: Name of The Doctor).

In Prose: Touched By an Angel Eleven comments that Rory is "disconcertingly full of surprises" when he alters the plans Eleven is trying to work through. In TV: The Snowmen we see another example of his control issues verbalized by Eleven when Clara attempts to lead him saying “No, I do the hand grabbing. That's my job. That's always me!”, a telling example of the way Clara not listening even more than normal throws him off balance.

In TV: The Time of The Doctor The Doctor takes control of not just the battle but ends up essentially running the entire planet, based on a hero/god complex along with his warranted feeling of responsibility. In TV:Day of The Doctor we see this control and god complex in an extreme form as they feel a responsibility to save the entire universe, it’s also connected to guilt born from trauma The Doctor experienced throughout the time war even before the use of the moment, as the War Doctor feels the same responsibility/god complex.

Eleven tries to control the entire situation of the adventures and the situations around those he loves. It’s not trying to really hurt them, and often works but he still wants to try and make everything work right. (TV: The God Complex, TV: Asylum of The Daleks, TV: The Crimson Horror)

We see an example of this also TV: The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People in the way he doesn’t tell people what he’s doing so no one interferes with his plans, even willing to lie to people by omission and right out no telling Amy which doctor is made of Flesh and which is the Time Lord. Similar to this situation in TV: Journey to The Center of The TARDIS The Doctor manipulates the salvage crew withholding information, using intimidation and his superior understanding of the TARDIS to get what he wants so he can save Clara. The Doctor also lies to Clara here and scares her once he does lose that control, the lies and information he had been hiding for long can’t keep in under stress.

Lacks any ability to trust almost anybody (TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone, TV: The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People, & TV: Journey to The Center of The TARDIS). TV: The Impossible Astronaut gives us to rather good examples of this, the person he trusts number one is himself over anyone who has been with him over time. Also when talking to River he says “Trust you? Sure. But, first of all, Doctor Song, just one thing. Who are you? You're someone from my future. Getting that. But who? Okay. Why are you in prison? Who did you kill, hmm? Now, I love a bad girl, me, but trust you? Seriously.” a cruel statement of his trust issues, and acts as a way to push her away and keep at arm's length even when he does enjoy her company.

The Doctor struggles to understand and communicate ideas and emotions. Forming new relationships are hard for him his ability for healthy attachments in non-existent. We see this with Rory a lot. Rory doesn’t quickly fall in line with The Doctors normal way of functioning. Eleven doesn't have a good ability to communicate their issues. This makes relationships pretty volatile with River, Amy and Clara even when they are what he loves most

Experiences splitting mostly with River Goes back and forth being very flirty and then pushing River away (TV: Flesh and Stone, TV: A Good Man Goes to War, & TV: The Day of The Moon)

Eleven avoids talking about trauma trying to not remember or discuss it while it also clearly affects everything he does (TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: A Good Man Goes To War, TV: Day of The Doctor, TV: The Snowmen, TV: Hide TV: The Name of The Doctor, TV: The Day of The Doctor & The Time of The Doctor) Distraction used as a coping mechanism (TV: Amy’s Choice, TV: The hungry Earth) When he does talk about it he struggles to then stop (TV: The Rings of Akhaten, TV: The Day of The Doctor).

The Doctor isn’t in touch with his emotions (TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV: The Doctor The Widow and The Wardrobe, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: The Snowmen, & TV: The Bells of Saint John). In TV: A Good Man Goes To War he comments “Oh, look, I'm angry. That's new. I'm really not sure what's going to happen now.” However, The Doctor often shows anger to the point of outbursts of violence. This shows a profound disconnect from his own emotional state.

Eleven like the previous incarnations is deeply lonely and feels like he is alone and disconnected (TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Doctor The Widow and The Wardrobe, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: Night Terrors TV: The Bells of Saint John) We see this in his trying to connect with the Krafayis “Well, no harm trying. Listen. Listen! I know you can understand me, even though I know you won't understand why you can understand me. I also know that no one's talked to you for a pretty long stretch, but please, listen. I also don't belong on this planet. I also am alone. If you trust me, I'm sure we can come to some kind of, you know, understanding. And then, and then, who knows?” (TV: Vincent and The Doctor)

The most extreme example of this is of course seen in TV: The Snowmen where for what is implied to be years The Doctor isolates himself from almost everyone and stops trying to help others.

The Doctor experiences hypervigilance and general hyperarousal symptoms about him always on edge and looking for danger. It also causes him trouble staying still and enjoying any calm (TV: Amy’s Choice, Minisode: Night and The Doctor, TV: The Hungry Earth / Cold Blood, TV: The Lodger, TV: The Impossible Astronaut, TV: Closing Time, TV: Asylum of The Daleks, TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship, TV: Closing Time TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: The Bells of Saint John, TV: The Rings of Akhaten, & TV Nightmare in Silver)

We see this in his conversation with Amy Saying; “Oh, lovely. You're a cheery one. Never mind dead, look at this place. Isn't it wrong?” Amy is confused by this “What's wrong?” Elven seems genuinely surprised that she doesn’t see what is happening the way he can “Come on, use your eyes. Notice everything. What's wrong with this picture?” (TV: The Beast Below)

Even when in a calm environment like a museum The Doctor is on the lookout. When viewing Van Gogh art he stops to investigate danger having noticed it everywhere “Yes. And not a nice face at all. I know evil when I see it and I see it in that window.“ (TV: Vincent and The Doctor)

The Doctor deals with catastrophization (TV: The Beast Below, TV: Vincent and The Doctor, TV: The Curse of The Black Spot & Prequels: Prequel to The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe) The Doctor also struggles to view the world with an active hope more using it an idea to focus his thoughts, it takes extreme emotions to push through that, and not much to bring it all crashing down. (TV: The Doctor The Widow in the Wardrobe, Minisode: Meanwhile in The TARDIS, & TV: The Angels Take Manhattan)

Other people tend to understand and see his erratic behaviour. In TV: The Time of Angles.

Father Octavian asked River “Doctor Song, I've lost good Clerics today. You trust this man? “

She replies “I absolutely trust him.”

Octavian asks “ He's not some kind of madman, then?”

All River does is repeat “ I absolutely trust him”.

A comment on the very noticeable erratic behaviour and presentation of his feelings and dysregulation, his own friends who trust him can’t even pretend he isn’t like that. Clara makes a similar comment in TV: Nightmare in Silver.

Multiple times people who knows him warn against getting to the emotional breaking point. In TV: The Doctor's Wife Amy says “Don't get emotional because that's when you make a mistake” In TV: Forest of The Dead River warns Ten against it when he generally has a slightly higher boiling point to Eleven to experience full emotional breakdowns.

Rory finds The Doctor to be dangerous in his ability to be magnetic and the way his own recklessness plays of each other. (TV: The Vampires of Venice)

The Doctor’s interactions with Van Gogh is really interesting we see to a large instance I think he understands what he is going through but trying to use his own coping mechanisms on Van Gogh proves to not be very effective. He tries to make Van Gogh focus on the task at hand, ignore people calling him crazy don’t think about the pain. But of course, this doesn’t work for Van Gogh who has slightly different problems than The Doctor and can’t function on denial.

We also see his difficulty with communication here talking about his or others feelings being a struggle. He does try and offer kindness with mentioning hope, and then lets Van Gogh he will be remembered kindly a truly kind act. Eleven is also distinctly less surprised than Amy that one kind day can not make someone not struggle with suicidal thoughts, something I think comes from both his knowledge of time travel but personal experience with mental illness. (TV: Vincent and The Doctor)

In TV: Hide we see Emma Grayling being able to read The Doctor because she is an empath, this ability makes her distrustful of The Doctor overall but also works with him because she can tell he does want to save people. Emma warns Clara about the fact the Doctor’s history has left him deeply damaged she says“Don't trust him. There's a sliver of ice in his heart.”

Professor Alec Palmer also reads The Doctor in this same episode, he can tell the Doctor has seen traumatic events of war and death just like he as. They are similar people and they can see it in each other.

Eleven has become so used to the chaos and violence that he cannot change and disconnect. Adventure and violence are the only way he knows how to function, also I sort of an addiction to chaos. (Minisode: Night and The Doctor, TV: The Lodger, TV: Amy’s Choice, TV: Dinosaurs On A Spaceship, TV: The Power of Three, & TV: A Town Called Mercy)

We see The Doctor has a breakdown in being able to enjoy a normal life and things, even some of the less violent of the things in space like stars or general life (Minisode: Meanwhile in the TARDIS 2)

While The Doctor is addicted to violence he has a deep moral problem with the concept of war and hurting other creatures. The Doctor also tries to ensure that other people don’t have to live in the war as he did. It is hypocritical as The Doctor will cause harm for the greater good. However, opposition to war is as much a part of the identity as a moral concept. This hatred of war actually dates back to the early doctors and carried through till this point, now with the layers of trauma and having continuously broken the morals himself. (TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Hungry Earth / Cold Blood, TV: The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People, TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship, TV: A Town Called Mercy, & TV: Nightmare in Silver)

Other soldiers and actors of violence can always read this past in The Doctor (TV: Hide, TV: Nightmare in Silver, & TV: The Name of The Doctor). This is seen in TV: Cold War when the other soldiers can see that The Doctor understands the battle, River also comments on this in TV: Let’s kill Hitler as she was taught that he understood “all forms of war.'' He is confronted with the way he’s been acting as a violent force when he learns the Gamma forest uses the doctor as the war for a warrior (TV: A Good Man Goes to War).

TV: The Day of The Doctor shows us this understanding of battles and violent politics, and how much this is splitting to his character as The War Doctor refuses to even call himself The Doctor. It shows how much he understands about war. This carries into TV: The Time of The Doctor where he can wage a hundred years of war and win.

Insomnia: (TV: The Lodger, Minisode: Night and The Doctor, TV: The Bells of Saint John)

Disordered eating: (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Time of The Doctor)

Eleven is a character built on contradictions bu as highly magnetic as the other doctors. His arc is similar to 9s in being bittersweet, he dies with those he loves having saved people but is also sad because his last days were spent in war when that’s the last thing he wanted to do, they were also tainted by feelings of guilt for his part in what happened. He changes some over time in relation to loss but has less profound shifts than many other New Who doctors.

[Also Posted on my Archive of Our Own page in a series with the other doctor study posts]

Shout out to @3lianav for requesting/reminding me to get this section up

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infinite-insignia · 5 years

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((I uh. made an edgy moodboard for myself. also a vent/rant under the cut.))

(( wasn’t exactly in a super angsty mood earlier but then I thought abt things and my brain went “man I really was a horrible person huh” so basically this is a representation of my edgy kin thoughts whenever they resurface. not even joking, some of the quotes are p accurate. especially the “killed my old self but the new me isn’t much better” one cause it reminds me of my death and honestly yeah. that was totally my doing. tryna be a better person in this life but I guess I can’t do that. I mean it didn’t work back then, why would it work now. tho if I give up on remembering my last life, I’d be giving up on what’s p much my purpose in this life. remember everything and use that knowledge to (try to) better myself before this human body gives out and this soul fades. cause I don’t think this soul’s gettin reincarnated again. not like I have another shot at remembering everything. but everyone tells me to stop focusing on the past. that it doesn’t define me now. but tbh? it kinda does at this point. the human life I’ve lived? yeah that was normal before I remembered what I was last time. and now it’s all I think abt--and to be told to stop thinking abt it? to be called delusional over it? to have people try and prove me wrong by telling me how I lived my life--or, worse, by saying it never even happened? it hurts me emotionally. like,,,deeply hurts me. I wanna talk to people abt things so I know someone’s listening. that someone cares enough to at least attempt to understand. even fake understanding would be enough cause I’d believe it was real. I’d have someone to talk to outside of tumblr, at least. sure, my psychologist knows a bit abt this stuff, but I only see her once every other week--and not this week. so I can’t talk to her. can’t talk to my mom cause she doesn’t understand and I know for a fact we’d end up arguing. she’s said it before--she wants her kid back. this messed-up delusional freak who brings past lives into their current one apparently isn’t her kid--but that’s who I am. that’s what I do. even among people like me, I feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone and it’s driving me nuts--but at the same time I’m terrified to talk to people because of the reactions they could have. I can talk abt it on here but to you guys it probably just seems like lame, delusional ranting. so I might as well shut up before I start to look like even more of a whiny bitch, huh. I say that despite knowing it’s hard to shut up once I start talking. ugh. man I went from 0 to 100 real quick in terms of bad moods. and it’s not even a bad mood? like I’m upset, yeah. but it doesn’t exactly feel like stress, it feels more like,,,emptiness. like I’ve dealt with this shit enough that I’ve figured there’s no point in stressing over what’s gonna happen every few days or so. my brain wants to mistake this emptiness for calmness--but I’m not calm. I’m not happy, I’m not content, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I’m a freakshow brought into another life for god knows what reason. Phantom Ruby shouldn’t have had the power to reincarnate me but it somehow did. Ruby itself is here too somehow--it’s just super weak/faint. like,,,I can tell it’s there, but it can’t do much. I can’t even see it anymore or hear it out loud--it’s just like an inaudible voice, kinda like a thought that’s not actually coming from me. if that makes sense. probably doesn’t cause I’m just delusional apparently. oh well. can’t let my mom know I’m going through this cause we’d just argue. cant tell my sis cause she doesn’t wanna hear abt my kin bs. says its annoying cause I talk abt it too much. tho she also says it’s not an issue as long as I believe it and I’m not hurting anyone--and I’m not hurting people. not intentionally. I just wanna talk. have some sort of an outlet. but when most of my past life is full of war and murder and blood and stress and evil and destruction and everything else that is horrible, people are gonna judge me if I talk abt it. think I’m still some murderer today--which I’m not. definitely not. I regret the things I did. yet I’ve had someone tell me that ‘villains don’t feel regret’ and you wanna know what I did in response? pushed said person in a fit of anger. not a super strong push or anything, just enough to throw them off balance for a second. but like,,,you can’t tell me what I did or didn’t feel. sure I may not have regretted a whole bunch during the war, but afterwards? I was a walking ball of stress and regret trying to make a better name for myself but failing. waiting til the end of the planet, when I was the last living mobian, to do something abt it. and that something wasn’t pretty--it’s what caused me to move onto this current life. I get a lot of thoughts from various points in my last life, and those all cause a whole lot of emotions. yet, at the same time, I currently just feel like a void. an empty shell who feels the emotions but not the effects of them. the emotions exist but have no impact currently. tho that doesn’t make sense to you does it? wow. to think I was all happy yesterday over that follower milestone. ofc I have to go and ruin my own mood again since that’s all I’m good for apparently. might just go to bed early at this point. take the rest of the night off. nothing else to do. it’s either sleep or leave myself with my thoughts--the latter of which would only lead to more stress and/or empty feelings. anyway. I don’t want you guys worrying abt me. you can feel bad for me, try to make me feel better, but don’t worry. worrying abt me would be a waste of time. I’ll live. just going through another rough moment all of a sudden. but as long as I have a purpose in this current life, I plan to see it all the way through. meaning I won’t physically hurt myself or do anything stupid over this, so don’t worry. my physical health is just fine. mentally, not so sure. probably shouldn’t be saying not to worry cause now you’re gonna worry. whatever, I’ve been typing way too much. said more than I probably should have. probably look like an overreacting emo teen. but I’m just gonna go to bed and try not to let these thoughts get to me. tho my brain is most active right before falling asleep most nights so I doubt that’d work. gonna have to go to school tomorrow. no use in arguing, it makes everyone feel worse. it’s just gonna be a slow, crappy day. at least wednesday is a half day and then we get the rest of the week off for thanksgiving. not that we’re gonna be celebrating this year, we cancelled out plans cause my grandma’s sick and we usually go over to her place where she cooks thanksgiving dinner. but certain smells make her nauseous and the whole thing would be too much of a hassle, so we cancelled that this year. I’m kinda worried abt her. haven’t seen her in a little bit and she has another surgery in december. no idea what kind of surgery but she’s in her 70s and has been sick before so. idk. I do know I’m concerned for her and also myself. my own mental state is a wreck and idk what to do abt it. but for now I’m gonna go to bed. sorry for taking up so much of your time, assuming anyone actually read this whole thing.))

#Out of control {ooc}#News report {update}#This is an illusion {aesthetic}#The sharpest of blades {kin}#long post//#negative//#no talking in the tags this time #the post says it all #going to bed now. see you guys tomorrow afternoon/evening #or night. not sure #if I'm not online tomorrow I should be back wednesday #sometime in the afternoon probably #but idk. hard to tell with all this shit going on. too much to think abt.#but like I said don't worry abt me. I'll worry abt myself #you guys have fun doing whatever you usually do #don't pay attention to the edgy kinnie in the corner #who's trying not to let their thoughts get to them #go abt your own things. live your own lives #let me be alone for a bit. maybe sleep these emotions off.#maybe school will distract me tomorrow idk.#wow I said I wasn't gonna talk in the tags yet here I am #but hey. I'm apparently delusional and have no idea what I'm talking abt #despite knowing very well what I'm talking abt after experiencing the most kinnected shift I've ever experienced over the past 6-ish months #I know I'm not delusional but I let the comment get to me anyway.#it was over a year ago. before this shift even began. before I discovered myself.#yet here I am letting it hurt me.#just. h. need sleep now. for real this time.#might update you guys on my mood tomorrow or wednesday. we'll see.

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anastassiyav · 4 years

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Week 3 + Reading General design principles

Game mechanics and how they connect to the concepts of challenge, skill and chance.

Some of the concepts of this weeks lecture I had already wrote about during last weeks reading entry.

Game State

Game contrantly chances state - as a process of communication between the player and the game. Game state can change on different factors, such as the player advancing it or something more simple, like time.

Game state can be changes with power ups, entering combat, invinscibilty state, entering prison in monopoly, playing mini games within a bigger game.

Feedback

Feedback to players actions can enccreare the level of dopamine in the players brain - and make them addicted to playing the games and getting the feedback-reward. However it needs encreaced feedback which leads to encreaced challenge othweriwse the action in the game gets boring.

Skill

SKILL Whenever it’s measurable, it’s probably skill.

Chance

Randomness, unpredictability. Everything that is not measurable because doesn’t depend on something controllable.

SKILL GAMES CREATE HIERARCHIES LUCK GAMES REDISTRIBUTE POWER.

Ambuigulity

Being free of social norms is a social norm. You can not take things that you did in the game outsidethe game, therefor those actions excist only in the ga,e, making it a space where you can do things that are normally not done.

Liminal and liminoid

LIMINAL Reaffirming and consolidating a social structure through a rite of passage.

Rite of Passage. Linear narration. Structured Play.

LIMINOID Progressive questioning and subversion of the standing order.

Protest - distrapt - etc. Unstructured play.

Readings:

Game, Design, Play - Chapter 3

Kinds of Play

This chapter breaks down and analyses various basic types of play.

Competitive Play

A kind of play where the some players win and some loose. Most likely the most common type of play.

Usually includes sport and most multiplayer games. Includes measuring each players skill against each other, with a goal of doing something better or lasting longer than the opponent.

Interesting concept that the chapter covers is something called Yomi – or knowing a mind of the opponent. I would describe it as a mixture of reading body language and analyzing the strategy your opponent is using to create a counter strategy as well taking advantage of their weaknesses.

Competition can be symmetrical and asymmetrical, one where player have the same abilities and a common goal, and a play where players have a different objectives and abilities (for example Among Us).

Cooperative Play

A game where players work together to achieve a goal, for example, escape rooms.

Cooperation can be symmetrical – all players have the same actions and basic attributes. Cooperation can be asymmetrical – each player will have a predetermined role but they have to cooperate in order to achieve the goal.

Another type of cooperative play is symbiotic – a type of play where players are reliant on each other and cannot complete the game without each other.

Skill-based Play

Game that uses skill development to achieve foals.

Skill can be active – precise movement, precise timing, for example, jumping in the Super Mario.

Skill can be also mental – this involves games such as puzzles, where one has to rely on memory.

Games like Portal combine both active and mental skills.

Experience Based Play

Game of explorations, unfolding story, communal engagement. This type of Play can involve no skill at all, and would just involve exploring a virtual space to unfold a story, for example.

Games of chance and uncertainly

Games that require strategies, games that remove decision making.

Perfect example would be a gambling game, such as poker or gwent.

Whimsical Play

Game that emphasis silly actions, unexpected results, play that you need to feel to understand.

Amusement park rides, rolling downhill, spinning around – - all are form of whimsical play. This kind of play is often about physical silliness. I might be wrong, but for me a video game example of a whimsical game would be something like Octodad, because it is much unexpected and sabots physical silliness of controlling an octopus.

Role-Playing

Players have to take on certain roles and follow loose rules, usually the game play is only limited by imagination. Role-playing is closely related to storytelling and a way of experience the story.

I think various adventure games, where you play as a certain character, like cyberpunk, Red dead redemption or Witcher can be considered role-playing games.

Performative Play

Theatrical form of play, includes improvisation.

Those types of games are fun to watch and to play. Various dancing games, or games like charades fit int his type of play.

Expressive Play

A form of play that subverts player choice in effort to express and share an experience.

This can be intended by the designer or derived from the player. Usually this form of play is used in music and TV, but it can be found in games, too, for example in various text based games.

Simulation Based Play

Play that models a real-worlds system and presents a point of view.

Simulation games can be in a top perspective or in the eye view perspective, they can be limited and simple, like Papers Please or massive, like SimCity, where you have to control whole city.

Those types of play can and should be combined in order to create new play experiences.

Instead of thinking about an experience, game designer should think what created that experience and translate it into a game form.

Exercises

1. Choose a game and describe it using one or more of the kinds of play described.

The Sims – Role-playing Simulator with a bit of whimsical, if you consider how silly the Sims act and the gibberish they speak.

The Sims is clearly a Simulator, but considering that you also play as the character you create it I also has a lot, if not more, role-playing elements to it.

2. Take the game above and apply another kind of play to it. What happens?

I always had craved the Sims to be a little bit edgier, either by adding more character interactions to the game, for example removing the censorship and allow Sims to fight, rob and murder each other, which can and an element of skill or chance to the game. My another idea is to add more storytelling and mysteries to the game, that you can explore while role-playing as your Sim, turning it an experience type of game.

3. Turn a competitive game into a cooperation one.

It would be quite fun to turn a game such as Fall Guys into a cooperation Game – you will only pass the level if all 50 of you can finish the finish line, so you would need to actively help each to pass obstacles.

A Gameful World - pages 0-23

Reach of games design and game art happened in late 2000.

Gamification started by an app called Foursquare, which would give users awards and achievement badges for visiting certain types of places and even rewards, such as discounts. The app used leader boards and mayor ships to make the users compete with each other. I find it amusing as I have been using and am still suing this app and I have to admit that it did became boring since the app lost its popularity and stopped actually being competitive – I am a mayor practically everywhere I go. I dint however knew that they were among the first apps to use gamification – today it’s so common, almost every app I use have this kinds of achievements and rewards.

Gamification is used in health and wellness, for example in Nike running app.

Users of fitness app can set goals and participate in social competitions, for example who walked the most steps per month mount the participants. You can also see you score against all the competitors and measure you fitness level against others.

Similar system is used in online educational platforms, where you can earn rewards by learning. Some universities have achievement system for non curriculum activities. Even my boarding school had a reward system for getting As, our headmaster would give away mars bars for that, but I do not know if that was really a gamification – our dining hall was really bad, and those mars bars were essential to good nutrition.

Lots of people resist gamification – game designers and academia members argue that forcibly gamified products will never be as engaging as well designed games. I agree, but I think those products are doing a good job at motivation and keeping track of things, which is a big plus for people who are obsessed with data and keeping some kind of score – I have this app that lets me keep track of my birth control and cycle, and to be honest I am a bit sad it does just that, there are no rewards or achievements. I kind of wish to get a badge, like, 100 pills taken on time, etc.

It is argues that this type of gamification only frames ply as a pursuit of goals – while play and games crucially depend on..playfulness and enjoyment. Gamification in examples above is used to organize, analyze, provide structure, but playing I often a disruptive activity, used to break patterns and take a break from norms.

Being playful is the engine of innovation.

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mental-health-advice · 6 years

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I've been stressed (and maybe having anxiety) for about a month, on and off, somedays it just doesn't show, others are a bit harder to handle. I've gotten some bad news (aka bad grades) on thursday and I spent the whole weekend crying. Friday wasn't a good day, saturday was a fine day (about 80% good, was feeling normal but a bit weird) but today (sunday) I woke up super sad. I cried a lot and now I'm feeling normal, not sad at all. What can I do when I wake up sad?

Hi love,

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA! I’m really sorry to hear that you have been struggling so much lately.

School creates an enormous amount of stress for students which can obviously cause issues with self-esteem and the like. Try to take at least a couple of hours away from work everyday and fill that time with things you enjoy, like maybe baking, or exercise? Whatever it is, it is necessary to give yourself a break from the pressure of school and allow yourself to recharge with some positive energy. It is key to take breaks when studying too, otherwise you will begin feeling overwhelmed and isolated. Professors recommend that you should only study for 60-90 minutes at a time, taking at least 10 minutes break in between (take longer off if you need to!). In that free time try to do something that doesn’t involve too much brain power but preferably involves being active; maybe going downstairs and making a cup of tea, dace around your bedroom to your favourite song. Please do try to remember that your health and happiness always come before your education – you are more important than some grades here.

It is also important to note that these symptoms may be caused by some form of mental health condition. We are not professionals so we cannot diagnose you, and we discourage self diagnosis for the reasons listed here, but these are two very common symptoms of depression; anxiety is often related to depression and it is common to suffer from both. Do you think any of the following symptoms apply to you too?

Persistently sad, anxious, or empty moods

Loss of pleasure in usual activities

Fatigue or decreased energy

Sleep disturbances

Change in appetite or weight

Thoughts of suicide or death, or suicide attempts

Poor self-image or self-esteem

(source)

If you feel you relate to any of the above symptoms then a good step would be to speak to a professional, such as your doctor or a therapist. They will be able to help with a diagnosis, if applicable, and will start treatment with you. They will also help you to begin understanding what is causing these feelings, or lack of, and hopefully give you so coping mechanisms which you can apply to your daily life. I know reaching out for help can be really scary, but you deserve all of the help available to you, lovely. Here is a link to our page about getting help. Professionals are there to help you in any way they can, they won’t judge you, or make you do or tell them anything you don’t want to.

I’m just wondering if you have considered talking to any of your teachers about the stress you are experiencing and anything that you think they may be able to do to help? I find it helpful to remember that it is completely up to you how much you decide to share with the person you choose to disclose information to; so you could just tell them that you are struggling a little with motivation, or just struggling due to personal circumstances. Or you could choose to tell them everything. It is completely up to you, and for me that definitely helps me feel a little more in control! When it comes to actually talking to someone, maybe it is best to first talk to the teacher that you trust the most and feel most comfortable with - after that they may be able to help you discuss things with other staff and help you start getting measures put in place. If you are worried about saying things aloud and forgetting things that you want to say, you could always write down everything that you think is important such as symptoms, feelings, thoughts you are having. Then you can either use it as a way to remind yourself of the things you want to say, or you could just give it to your teacher for them to read; it just helps to take some of the pressure off your shoulders. However, I also completely understand if this is not something that you want to share with anyone at your educational facility, there is no pressure to do so!

To answer your question about what to do when you are feeling sad, this will be different for everyone, but it is all about doing things that make you feel a sense of achievement and happiness. So sometimes for me, if I wake up feeling really sad and my house is untidy, I will spend time cleaning the house, and whilst cleaning itself can be therapeutic, seeing the end result of a nice tidy helps me to feel proud of something I have done. Similar to this, you could write out a list of all the things you like about yourself and things that you are proud of like achievements etc; once you have this list, try to carry it with you at all times, then whenever you are feeling sad you can look at this list and see all of the fantastic things about yourself which will hopefully help to raise your spirits. Next is to make sure you are taking good care of yourself. So this involves things like staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, and eating healthily. Personally I do think there is a certain amount of truth to the saying ‘healthy body, healthy mind’ – if you are already feeling a bit low due to not taking the time to look after yourself, it is likely that it will make your anxious and negative thoughts worse. Try to take at least an hour or two a day for yourself and fill that time with doing things that you enjoy and make you feel relaxed and happy. For example, I take a couple of hours before I head to bed and I like to fill that time with art and music; I also use that time to look after my skin and hair just so I physically feel a little better. Also making plans with your friends could be really beneficial; sometimes when we feel sad we just want to be alone but this can make us feel more alone and isolated.

Journalling - writing about your day and taking the time to reflect on the things you have done can be a great way to help you recognise the good impact you are having in peoples lives, in turn improving your own self worth and happiness. Something I also encourage is every day, when you write in your journal, is to finish the following sentences:

1) Today I accomplished…2) I felt proud because…3) I felt good about myself when…

I know it can sound a little silly but many of us forget to give ourselves credit for the little things we do each day, and it can be really beneficial to take the time to acknowledge them when we are trying to improve happiness. Another little thing you can try is getting your friends and family to help you to write a list of all the reasons that they love you and that you are a good person; keep the list, make it pretty, and look at it everyday to remind yourself that you have so much worth and goodness in you!

Something I really want to make clear, is that you always come before education! Your health is so much more important than some grades. You can be incredibly successful with or without a degree, and you can be successful if you get 100% or 0% on an exam - success is more about your passion and drive for your career than about a few letters on a piece of paper. You are going to get so far in life, lovely, and I will be here cheering you on all the way! Your grades do not define you!

I hope this has been of some help and reassurance to you, love. Please don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is anything else that we can help you with.

‘‘Fall down seven times, stand up eight.’‘

Take care,

Rhiann xo

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