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gra-sonas · 3 years

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Chris Hollier serves as showrunner for The CW’s hit series Roswell, New Mexico. The show first premiered back in 2019 and is now heading into its third season. Season 3 premieres on July 26 and new episodes will continue to air Mondays at 8:00 – 9:00 PM. Roswell, New Mexico was already renewed for a fourth season as well!

I spoke with Hollier about all things season 3, the one year time jump, getting renewed for another season, which episode he’s most excited for fans to see, the show’s relationships, which new duos we’ll see on screen, and so much more! Keep reading to find out everything he told me.

First off, we ended season two with a big cliffhanger. So how can you tease and set up how the premiere is going to kick off and and resume from that? Chris Hollier: Well, I think much like you said, we have to at least answer that question, we left him on; “howdy, partner” is quite a way to go out. So, we got to get our partners involved there. Then I think by the end, I want to tease out that much like in life, you don’t always know the best response right then and sometimes it takes a little time, and we gave our character some time to really evaluate all of their decisions with the jump, but also romantically.

The show will be doing a one year time jump; what made you decide to go this route, and is there a character that you were most excited to apply this to and see where they would be a year later? Chris Hollier: I think that what we try to do is honor the decisions of people that age, which what I mean is sometimes you don’t know, you need distance and perspective for things, even if they’re good. You need to knock that against something, you need to go after the dream that you said that you want and stand in it for 10 minutes to realize, is this really where I want to be or should I jump ship before it gets to be too late? And time just does that to you.

Which of the characters’ storylines do you think after the time jump is going to shock fans the most? Chris Hollier: Is going to shock fans the most? Interesting. I think ultimately throughout the season, what Liz realizes about herself is going to be a journey that they don’t quite expect; that as it gets up and running, it’s going to feel as the episodes roll on, and she is growing and running through a gauntlet to push her to places that I bet she never would have said, “this is what I want to do, say, and be,” in seasons one and two.

What can you tell us about the relationships? Chris Hollier: What I would say is they’re on the poster; what I would say is also what we want to do is when we look at Max and Liz, we always look at them as two sides of the same coin. How are they the same? How are they different? But like two sides of the same coin, they are linked together in ways that you cannot pull them apart. So, we put that up on its feet to explore really what does that mean? It doesn’t mean that you end up loving that person or sometimes it means like this is the only person for me, and we put that larger question to them to really decide like, “Are we gonna make a go at this or are we better apart?”

Congratulations are in order as well because the show has already been renewed for a season four and season three hasn’t even premiere yet. So what was your reaction when you heard the news? Chris Hollier: I found out on set– quick funny story, I called the two people that like, make the show with me there on the ground, my line producer and my producer/director, and I said, “I’ve got a problem that only the three of us can fix.” They said, “Oh no, what is it?” I said, “They’ve given us 13 more.” So, the greatest thing that I got to do though was go down when they announced it to tell the crew that all of their hard work meant something and that we can continue to employ all these families that I love, during a pandemic, which meant a lot to our entire Roswell group. We make the show together. I truly believe that and so that was the best moment for me is to say, “They’re responding to what we’re doing, they want more of it, and we all get to find a way to be together, even though times are crazy.”

You brought us to our next question because you all filmed this season during the pandemic, and that is such a huge accomplishment. What was it like filming with these insane circumstances and then finally wrapping? Chris Hollier: The biggest thing I think it did for sure is that I think when you watch it for the most part, you’re not gonna feel that. We made that decision again to like– we didn’t even know where the world was gonna be by the time we got to a premiere date; we didn’t know who was going to be president, you know? We had to look at all of that. What I would say the biggest thing that it changed were some of our protocols of the closeness that people could be and I mean that like when it comes to kissing and fighting. I feel it really made us look at telling a story, leaning into telling a story more like a romantic comedy where it’s about longing, rather than necessarily like being together. So we leaned into romance as a way to bolster some of the things that our hands were tied with a little bit.

If you could do a crossover between Roswell, New Mexico and any other CW or Warner Bros. show, which would you pick? Chris Hollier: Oh, that’s funny. I think I have to go back into the Plec universe, where I came from. We gotta mix them with the vampires. Aliens and vampires, I’m ready.

Well, going off of that question, which characters would you be most excited to see interact from those universes? Chris Hollier: I would love to see Hope Mikaelson meet Liz Ortecho. Or Hope Mikaelson and Rosa might be a good pairing; I bet those two could get into some trouble. A little science, a little magic, what could go wrong?

If you could create a tagline or phrase to get fans hyped for season three, what would you pick? Chris Hollier: I would say that this season is a crossroads moment for all of our characters. They’re going to have to make the next huge decisions of their life, and the villain that shows up is forcing all of them to redefine who they are as people and their relationships with one another.

Are there any themes that you’re excited for fans to see in this upcoming season or is there any sort of message that you hope to give them with the season? Chris Hollier: I would say almost as a reaction to everything going on the world last year, while we made this, that we saw a lot of stories of people trying to divide people. We were drawn to ideas about how you’re tested to do that and how you still come together. So, these are stories about how there are always people and always ideas that will try to divide us, but a real hero, really good people stand up and find a way to still bond with others in that time.

Are there any memorable moments that when you look back on filming the season now that you’re preparing for the premiere, that really stick out to you as a nice memory from the experience? Chris Hollier: There’s a nice memory where there was a moment in the middle of the season, around episode seven, where a lot of our characters on the show were all in one space together and that’s something that doesn’t happen. That’s also something because of COVID, we started off this season like we can’t really even do that. So, there was a moment where we’re all standing outside and we were gonna blow something up, everyone was there and there was a great energy that we were doing it safely, together.

Is there a favorite dynamic that you enjoy creating and seeing come to life on screen? Chris Hollier: Let me answer it this way, for this season, we looked at characters on our show that never had scenes together and we found ways to put people together in ways that we never have. We looked around like Max and Alex have never had scenes together. So, we found ways to put them together. Rosa and Michael have never had scenes together, so we found ways to put them together. That was most fun and it added a level of joy to all these actors who started to realize like, “Oh my god, I love this person off screen. I get to act with them now!” So, it gets everyone invested.

Lastly, is there an episode that you are most excited for fans to see? Chris Hollier: I think that episode eight is a highlight for me, it’s a Maria heavy episode. It’s an episode that a third of it takes place in people’s minds. I think that’ll be fun. I’m excited for where we’re going near the end with some of the crazy places that the show ended up in that I promise fans won’t see come episode one. We really just pushed what we could possibly do and how to get there; we continually, especially, I’d say the last half, wrote ourselves into corners that we couldn’t see the way out of, when we did that episode. So, I think that’ll be challenging for the audience to have to come back like, “How do they get out of this?”

#chris hollier #rnm cast interviews #rnm spoilers #rnm 3x08 #roswell new mexico s3 #long post is long

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ingenxum · 4 years

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Secret Santa Anon said: Hello, Jen, hope your New Years was fun-filled! Anywho, I was wondering if you could share some HCs on the three Iida bros on your blog? Could be for world building, or just any reason! Let the talks of brotherhood begin!!!

World Building Time! || ACCEPTING!

CHECK UNDER READ MORE FOR THIS MADNESS

One thing is for certain is that I haven't talked to any other muns that have Tenya or Tensei as a muse so everything I'm writing is all on me. These are still subject to change once I've either talked about it to the other muns I have interacted with Tetsuya.

They are each other's best bud

I'm going to be real, I don't think Tenya nor Tetsuya had any long lasting friends when they were younger that they still talk to today. It's either because of their busy schedule as heroes in training or simply didn't want to disturb the other party. It's upon that realization that they both decided to cherish the friendships they have now with their U.A. classmates but nothing was definitely going to change in their closeness. Not just as brothers, but also as best friends.

Growing up, they always had each other's back. They always did their best to support their older brother as much as they could but that would always be limited due to their young age. It's already canon that at a young age, Tenya would always be in the scene wherever Tensei was to cheer him on and be his biggest fan and you can best bet these twin had merch of their big brother in their room because they love him that much and I'm going to cry right now-

Bonding time then and now

TETSUYA & TENSEI: As kids, Tetsuya has always been a wild little bean around his family. At the young age, it was his only place for him to himself because he always feared none of the other kids would like this personality. Being socially anxious, Tetsuya would always find himself asking comfort from Tensei or asking advice. He would always carry these advices, which led to the confidence boost on him exactly before his U.A. life started. Post-Stain arc, I'll still stand tall to say that Tetsuya makes his visits to Tensei the best by bringing him to their favorite places that only the two of them go to. Just to reminisce the good old days when things weren't so chaotic.

TENYA & TENSEI: Tenya, on the other hand, was still the Sonic we all love when he was a kid. The boy who couldn't read between the lines, the boy who doesn't understand jokes until explained, and our favorite slow karate chopping kid who always listens to the rules. We've seen in flashbacks that Tenya has been assisting Tensei years back and they always talk about their family and such. Now, as a U.A. student, Tenya makes use of his free time to catch up with his older brother. Just sitting together, juice boxes at hand as they talk throughout the entire day.

TENYA & TETSUYA: They are two contrasting personalities with the same face. It's expected that they've swapped places several times when they were kids. Since they're usually placed in different classes, they would've done the swap once or twice that year. They never found themselves to do it in U.A. due to it's seriousness. Since they also have different friend groups, it's also been a hassle to find time with one another. They do, however, agreed to have lunch together during the weekends. They also do casual sleepovers when they had to move to their dorms.

ALL THREE: Rest assured that they always have a blast together. When the twins were still kids, Tensei would always make sure to have time for them. They would always be roleplaying and make use of what they can find to make their own little universe where the twins were the heroes and sometimes, they might even get their parents involved. There's also the casual races and sparing when they started getting a bit older. Now, they just have a casual catching up session whenever the twins would come home during the weekends. Definitely no playful fighting and teasing in the Iida Household no good sir.

#LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING [HEADCANON]#ANSWERED!#THE CITIZENS [ANONYMOUS]#ROAD TO BEING A HERO [MAIN VERSE]#GET BACK IN YOUR GLASSHOUSE CAUSE I'M NOT ONLY SOMETHING... I'M SOMETHING ELSE [TWIN VERSE]#anon ily

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hazuukashi · 6 years

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Dusty’s Plot Wishlist

Apparently I didn’t have one, or at least not one up to date on this blog, so I figured I’d fix that! Here’s a list of wanted plots that I’m absolutely interested in carrying out with anybody. Some of these are super muse specific and others are generic, but if your muse fits the criteria for any of these, by all means hit me up and we can discuss it! More will be added to this list when I can think of ‘em.

General

Music Session with Leon. It doesn’t matter what sorta style your muse likes. Let ‘em play around on instruments, sing alone or jam on headphones.

Prank Wars. Doesn’t matter if they’re between Leon and your muse, or if they team up to cause mischief around the community. Just. Let. Them. Be. Devils.

Clothing-Related? I don’t even know what to say about this but... Leon is completely down for dress up selfie shoots or just trying on the weirdest styles. Hell, he’ll buy whatever looks good on either him or your muse.

Competitive Sports. By all means, challenge Leon to a game of something. It doesn’t even hafta be baseball; He’s gonna agree to it anyway and they’re gonna go ridiculously hard even if it’s something as simple as thumb wrestling. Just gotta be enthusiastic.

Sibling-like Relationship. Leon’s cool with friends, romantic partners and bros, but where’s the relationships where he just bonds with someone so well that they may as well become honorary siblings in each other’s family? Leon’s an only child for the most part so y’know, let him have an honorary sib.

Cooking. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH THIS MOTHERFUCKIN’ MICROWAVE MASTER HOW TO COOK PLEASE.

Carnival Outing. Oh fuck yeah. Leon would love any sort of amusement park or carnival. Of course he’d also win every single prize at any carnival game booth that involved throwing, but y’know, all’s fair.

General Text Threads. Not exactly a plot, but I don’t really have a lot of texting threads, and for good reason. I would sorta wanna see some goofy relationship building in text format though. Since Leon does love social media and his phone.

Working Out/Locker Room Shenanigans. Pretty much his home territory. Let him be a ridiculous fool where he feels natural.

READING WITH LEON. Teach the boy to appreciate a good book, please. Your muse can read comics and manga with him as usual, but he really needs to appreciate any book sometime before he becomes an independent adult.

Post-HPA Verse (’After Graduation’)

Literally any hanging out/catching up threads. ‘Oh we haven’t seen each other much since graduating from HPA, but we still sorta keep in touch and now we’re actually making an effort to rekindle our relationship.’

Leon’s Professional Baseball Games. Go out and accompany him to a game. Let him perform for you, whether you’re a platonic or romantic companion, he’s gonna make each game special for YOU alone.

Interviews. Post-HPA Leon’s a super successful athlete after all. He’s gonna be doing interviews. If your muse wants to come along, maybe even somehow get roped into the interview alongside Leon, that’s absolutely rad.

Travel Threads. You wanna go someplace? Let’s do it then. Doesn’t matter where, just up and go. Leon’s down, he’s got the money, just pick up and go on a week’s trip to wherever the hell you want. All he asks is that you let him take a ton of selfies while he’s there.

And of course, develop a full relationship that carries on into his adult life.

Survivor Verse (FF Verse)

Excursions into the apocalyptic cities. Sure there’s gonna be some risked lives, but... Why not actually go out there and achieve some of the FF bureaus’ goals? Leon’s game is public relations, but aside from a bodyguard or accompanying moral support, the sky’s sorta the limit for creativity otherwise.

Despair Information Session. Leon doesn’t and wouldn’t know everything anyway. He’s not really the most information-savvy guy, but he’d want to know what happened with his older classmates.

I’m gonna list these two in here as well, because like, I don’t REALLY have a specific verse for these but they’re closer to survivor than anything else so.

MEETING MASARU. That’s... That’s the plot. Let Leon meet his mini-me.

I dunno, I always sorta wanted a Komaeda-esque relationship with Leon and the WoH. Leon’s probably able to serve them and entertain them. In a weird way, despite the whole killing thing, he could see it as amusing enough. Hey, if he’s living, all’s good, in his mind. It could be fun to see how he interacts with each of the WoH I guess, y’know? A demon, but not the worst demon.

Muse-Specific

Leon and Sayaka/Kaede/Ibuki discussing music. Leon would be more attentive to what they hafta say, and it’s kinda a big deal for him to learn from them.

Leon defying Ishimaru. Oh please. Ishimaru can try to write Leon up all he wants, but that doesn’t mean he’s gonna listen. Leon doesn’t hate the guy, but he’s gonna tease him about being uptight, then try to understand him, maybe.

Leon and Junko discussing social media/interviews/fan life. Y’know, if she isn’t completely despair-ridden at that point, it could be a good point of conversation.

Goatee Bros. That’s... That’s the plot. Kaito where you at dude.

Leon and Amami traveling. Where the fuck to? Who knows? Who cares? They’d look great doin’ it, and they’d both be adventurous af.

Leon and Amami talking fashion/accessories. Also, I mean, there IS that one picture of Amami ‘jokingly’ painting Leon’s nails... Hmm...

Leon cool-mentoring the dweebs. PRETTY MUCH gonna be Naegi/Saihara/Souda(?)/Hajime(?) among other muses. Leon’s super outgoing and as long as they give him the time of day, he’s gonna break ‘em outta their shells and comfort zones and make them a little better socially.

Leon and Komaeda fucking destroying the carnival/arcade. Between their luck and skill, they’d clean the place out so easily wtf.

Leon and Saihara/Kirigiri/Chihiro/Byakuya/Toko/Kirumi/??? There were others, but mainly... Educate the boy. Please. Figure out a way to make the boy smarter without destroying his will to be in school completely.

Leon and Tsumugi Cosplay Hour. Hey, as long as he looks good and cool, he’ll wear literally anything. Considering the amount of times he’s changed his look, he’s pretty chameleon-like. He’ll find a way.

I’m still 1000% down for Leon and a bro roommate. Specifically a dude to room with though. Any in particular? Nah.

TBD??? More???

#[dusty's wanted plots]#plot wishlist #long post

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crowned-ladybug · 6 years

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I'm curious to know what your headcanons are for Robbie's relationships with Anti and Marvin and the other egos! 80c (And don't feel bad! We're here to support you, muy dude! 💜) -Asri

!!!!! 💜

Sorry in advance for all spelling mistakes, I'm using my SmallLaptop Irwin rn who for some dang reason only has US spellcheck and Idon't fuck with that

(Also, this got long bc there's so many egos that I had ideasfor.....heck.)

Anti p much adopted Robbie as his baby brother like right away(and Marvin teased him about "collecting brothers" but Antitold him to fuck off. He will collect a hundred brothers if he wantsto. All the borthers. Let him have them.) and he's really protectiveof him. But amongst many other things, he's loud, still doesn't fullyunderstand his own strength and expresses affection through physicalcontact a lot, and that's all something that on most days Robbiedoesn't really want any of. So it took them a bit of work to beProper Good Siblings but they got there and they're really close now.Anti doesn't have the patience to teach Robbie stuff but they hangout and play a lot, and Anti likes getting Robbie cool gifts (likehis chewy necklace and a couple other stim toys). He's also veryproud of Robbie no matter what he does. Robbie calls him Annie.

In my verse, Marvin isn't the reason Robbie exists, but he stilllikes him a lot. Robbie is absolutely fascinated with magic andMarvin is more than happy to entertain him. He also likes setting uppuzzles and games for Robbie that they can do together and bond over,and he was the one who got Robbie legos to help him with his finemotor skills. When he's hurt/scared/needs help, Marvin is one of thepeople Robbie usually runs to (Anti being the other), and Marvin willdrop pretty much anything to help him. Marvin also knows decent firstaid, how to treat/stitch up wounds and a bit of basic healing magic,so he can fix Robbie up if he happens to lose a limb or two. Also,Marvin likes to draw and sometimes he'll just do that while Robbiesits next to him working on a colouring book of his own. Robbie callshim Marr (previously Ma, but Marvin very quickly denied that).

At first Jackie didn't know what to make of Robbie bc all he knewwas that he's a zombie, so Jackie was scared he would be a danger tohis family. When it turned out that Robbie is just an uncoordinatedsweetheart, he instantly grew on him. He's one of the two people whousually cook for Robbie (he doesn't need to eat, but he likes to),and just like Marvin, he knows how to fix him up too. Robbie looks upto him, both bc he's tall and strong and bc he's a hero, and Jackieis a big softie who's convinced he doesn't deserve that adoration.Robbie is very much aware of what's between Jackie and Marvin, and sowhen Marvin is sad and Robbie doesn't know how to help him, he'llfind Jackie and drag him over by the hand, all the while repeating"Marr sad, hel' Marr, love Marr". Robbie calls him Jee (heshortened Jackie into just one syllable).

Chase and Robbie get along well, though they don't hang out thatmuch bc Chase is busy with his own life and kids, but Robbie is likea kid in a lot of ways and Chase has undeniable experience on thatfront. He loves playing with Robbie or telling him stories or singingto him (Robbie can't sing but he hums along enthusiastically), and hedefinitely has a drawing or two from him on his fridge. He's also theother person who will cook for Robbie sometimes. Robbie has only metChase's kids a couple times before for everyone's good, bc Robbiedoesn't really know his own strength and gets startled easily bystuff no one really sees coming. He's also usually the one to fix upany tears in Robbie's clothes (if not him then Marvin). Robbie justcalls him Chase, tho sometimes he'll try to call him "bro"and get stuck on making "brr" noises bc it's amusing.

Schneep enjoys Robbie's company bc he can be surprisingly tame andquiet. Their friendship started with just Schneep fixing Robbie upevery time he got hurt and Jackie or Marvin couldn't help, and Robbiestarted liking him bc he would always give him sweets or stickers andwould always be very gentle with him. Now Robbie will sometimes justsit in Schneep's office while Schneep is working on his own things,colouring or drawing or building stuff, or maybe practising signing.Schneep likes having him around bc he's good company who doesn't makemuch noise or demand his attention a lot. Sometimes Robbie will reachover and pat him on the head though bc while he doesn't exactly likephysical contact, he's learned from Anti that patting ppl on the headis a Good Thing to show that you Love Them, and Schneep always smilesat him sweetly when he does that. Robbie calls him Schneep, Sheep orHen (from Henrik).

Robbie's relationship with Shawn Flynn didn't exactly startsmooth. To be precise, it started with Robbie knocking stuff over inShawn's workshop and wanting to adopt every plushie he saw. Robbiestill feels bad about it. Shawn knows he doesn't have the patience orcapacity to handle Robbie for long, but he tries to visit him asoften as he can and bring him little gifts to show that he's not mad.Robbie usually gives him little drawings in return, and don't tellanyone, but Shawn keeps all of them tucked away in a separate drawer.Robbie calls him Finn (most egos call him Flynn, bc Shawn sounds thesame as Seán).

Most things Dark knows about Robbie he knows from Anti. Theyreally don't hang out much. Dark knows he wouldn't be able to put upwith Robbie for long, and if this were the old Dark, he'd just takehis frustration out on Robbie and enjoy making him cry. But thisisn't the old asshole Dark, so he mostly just avoids Robbie until heknows how to handle him. But just like even if you don't like kidsyou should never be mean to them, Dark is never mean to Robbie ifRobbie approaches him. He usually just smiles, says something nice inresponse to whatever Robbie has just told him and moves on with hisday. Robbie finds him very cool and mysterious, and the other egosfind it amusing, but he thinks Dark is a very pleasant person, he'sjust quiet. He also understands that Anti loves him very much. Heusually approaches Dark to give him flowers, because he sees Darkwalking around with a lapel flower sometimes and deduced that okay,he must like flowers then. Robbie calls him Dark or Darr.

Wilford is not allowed around Robbie bc he keeps trying to get himinto dangerous shit. Robbie kind of likes him, kind of doesn't, bcWilford gives him candy, smells nice and is Very Interesting, buthe's also a sensory overload on two legs. He recognises now whenWilford is trying to talk him into something reckless that the restof the egos wouldn't approve of, and his Perfect Response to it issticking his tongue out at Wilford. No one knows where he got thatfrom, but it's absolutely hilarious to watch. Robbie calls him Willor Wilf.

Host very openly calls Robbie his friend, and everyone wassurprised the first time he did that. Most of Host's projects aredark and lonely, except for when he's working on teaching Robbie signlanguage with Oliver. Without actively trying, Robbie can cheer himup or just make his day a little better, even if it sometimesinvolves sticking band-aids onto Host's face when his eyes arebleeding really badly. Robbie sometimes brings him flowers to cheerhim up (he probably gets his love for flowers from Jackie'sinfluence) and Host keeps them on his desk in his recording studio.Robbie calls him Host or Hosh.

Bing adores kids and so he adores Robbie too. If Robbie is doingsomething noisy and just...all over the place, chances are Bing isinvolved. He'll never do super dangerous stuff with him likeskateboarding, but he's definitely guilty of introducing Robbie tothe magic that is water balloons. Bing sees Robbie as a little cousinwho isn't entirely human just like him. Robbie used to just call himBing, but once he called him Bee and Bing laughed at it, so now heonly calls him Bee.

Google Red, Green and Blue don't really care about Robbie, butOliver finds him adorable and unlike the other three, gives him thecredit he deserves for his intelligence. Oliver teaches Robbie signlanguage along with Host, so he spends a lot of time with him whenhe's not working. Outside of lessons they don't get to hang out a lotbc Oliver is busy working with his brothers, but he'll never shooRobbie away when he approaches him (and once the other egos startmoving out, they do start spending more time together). Robbie usedto see Oliver as some sort of teacher, but when he said it Oliverwent "wait i thought we were friends?" and Robbie gotreally happy about that, so now they have a closefriendship/brotherly bond. Robbie calls the Googles collectively Googor Googly, Red and Blue just that, Green Gree or G'ee, and OliverOli.

Bonus for relationships I don't have worked out but love Robbie'snames for: Angus is Ann, Jameson is Jame' or Pal (bc Shawn callsJameson "pal" a lot and Robbie has come to associate itwith him), Dr Iplier is Iiiiipp and Robin is Ro or Robbrr'n.

#robbie the zombie #headcanons #kata's chatter #i don't think i'm gonna tag the rest rn bc there's a lot #maybe this is why ppl don't like me huh #bc i talk way too much #i love robbie he's precious #Anonymous

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mskinkyafro · 7 years

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Willing Captive (Leo x TRR MC)

Author’s note: Leo and TRR MC bond in this fic, no romantic pairing. This is companion piece to Pillowtalk & Morning Mishaps. You don’t necessarily need to read that fic before this one but it’s recommended. I wanted a nice fluff, funny, and friendly banter between Leo and my MC Justice. Hope you guys enjoy!

Summary: The former Crown Prince plans to have a heart to heart with the leading suitor in the most unconventional way. .

Pairing: Leo x RR’s MC

After spending most of the morning freshening up Justice heads towards her closet to decide what to wear today. Passing up item after item she settles on white shorts that hug her curvy hips and a light blue ruffle crop top. Looking in the mirror brushing a few curls in place of her wild fro and liking her look she decides to go to the library to look for a good book to read in the maze.

Even though this whole experience has been wonderful dream she truly loves easy going moments like these where she can dress casual and read in nature. She turns into one of the many libraries in the palace and just walks in awe. It seems that no matter how many times she visits she’s still amazed at the size and beauty of the room.

“I swear it’s as if I stepped into Beauty and the Beast.”

She roams through each row searching for one of her favorite novels, Hamlet. Although she loves a good mystery or a cheesy romance nothing beats a classic.

Finally finding a Shakespeare shelf she grazes through each title before selecting her novel. So preoccupied by the play before her she didn't hear someone enter the room.

Leo never liked to return home. Even though to most outsiders they’d think the palace life was paradise, but for him it was a prison. Yet the reason he does is because of his brother.

They may have not seen eye to eye most times but Calvin was always the one thing that truly made the palace, home. Now that his brother is to be engaged in a few days and by what he revealed to him, he plans on choosing the love of his life. So Leo being the conniving devil he is he decided to have a little heart to heart with the woman who seems to have captured the hearts of Cordonia and his little brother.

Roaming the palace he noticed in the slightly ajar door to the library to see a figure reading. Moving towards the room he sees it's the person he was looking for. It appears that the photos from the press and his little brother’s description didn't do her justice in his opinion.

‘Hmm doesn't do her justice and her name is Justice. Heh that’s pretty funny.’ Leo laughed to himself.

Deciding that in order to have his conversation they must do it in a top secret fashion. With her back towards him reading he sneaks up behind her. As he grew close he puts his hand over her mouth and says

“Shush! Don't make a move or sound.”

Frightened by this sudden movement and not realizing what she was doing Justice quickly stomps on this unknown “attacker’s” foot which forces him to release her and then elbows him the gut where he lets out a groan in pain and then twists the person arm behind their back and forces them into the nearest shelf.

The adrenaline rushing through her, ready to continue her assault she hears

“Uncle! Uncle! Owww let me go will ya? Jeez.” the person grits out in pain.

Realizing who exactly this person was from the royal family portraits she seen earlier she released him and berates him.

“If I may be so bold, are you serious your highness what the hell was that?! She questions him slightly angry.

Rubbing his arm that still tingles from Justice’s assault he says

“I was aiming for an element of surprise. Jesus are you a ninja or something? For future reference it’s just Leo, I never cared for the pomp and circumstance. ”

Rolling her eyes at him she replies

“Alright then,Leo. Might want to brush up on ways to surprise others, just food for thought. Plus you scared me half to death. Also I from New York and left my job most nights at 2:00 am. A girl needs to know a little something just in case.”

“Touché.”

“I assume that your failed “kidnap” was for a reason.”

Turning up the charm, Leo gives her a dazzling smile.

“Kidnapping? Pssh more like borrow for a hour or so. I want to get to know my potential sister-in-law?”

Amusement in her eyes Justice shakes her head “You know there’s this thing called asking.” She sasses him.

Smiling thinking that they’ll get along just fine he responds

“Now where’s the fun in that.”

“Future sister-in-law? Aren't you jumping the gun a little?” She mentions questioning what he said moments ago.

“Let’s just say I have a feeling and I'm never wrong.”

Eyeing him she gives in. Curious to see where this leads.

“Alright. I'm game. Where are you planning to kidnap me to?”

Glad that she’s accepting this interaction he tells her “You mean as a willing captive you agree to follow me to the garden maze!”

Laughing at his antics she replies “Fine. As your captive we shall go.” She heads to the door but he stops her.

“I was thinking we get there a more adventurous way.” Justice notices his eyes twinkle when says this.

She notices him move towards a bust near the fireplace and turns the head and a secret staircase appears in the wall and enters through it. Speechless at what she just saw she doesn't move. Leo realizes she isn't following. He calls out to her which breaks her trance

“You coming ninja?”

She moves to the stairs and as she enters the door the wall slides back in the place. “This place is truly amazing!” Her voice full of wonder.

She continues and calls out to Leo as she catches up to him in the underground tunnel.

“Really? Ninja? Is that the best you can do?”

“Hey I can't think of something right now. When I do I will get back to you but for now since you almost sent me to the hospital I'm sticking with ninja.” He states in a matter of factual way. .

Rolling her eyes at him once more she remarks “It seems like I roll my eyes more when I'm around you.”

“Don't even lie,you love me.”

He says pulling her into a side hug quickly messing up her hair. Adjusting her hair and outfit from his sudden movement she says

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, I like you. I love Calvin.” Her face has a lovesick expression on it.

The more she talks to him the more Leo learns how warming and funny she is. Which is exactly what his brother needs, someone who bring out his fun side. Care for him when he’s through caring for all of Cordonia.

Deciding to tease her a little and bring her back to reality he says “Okay enough with mentally fucking my brother let’s keep going.”

Her cheeks turn red and her words tumble in her throat “What? It’s not even like that.. ” She then notices him laughing.

“Hahahaha, oh that was perfect.Your face was priceless.”

Not very amused she says “Very funny.” and continues walking forward leaving the former prince behind laughing.

Trying to collect himself he calls out to her as he nears

“Don't be a sourpuss I'm just teasing a little. And since we’re on the subject what’s the status on you and my bro ya know-”

She cuts him off.

“Oh we are so not discussing that. That’s between your brother and I.”

Showing his hands in defeat.

“I'm just making sure you crazy kids are safe and..”

“Kids? You’re only three years older than us.

“That’s beside the point. The truth is I always look out for Calvin whether he wants me to or not.”

“What’s your agenda right now, sly.”

“Sly?” Leo asks confused.

“That’s a real nickname. Plus you have earned it for obvious reasons.” she tells him satisfied with herself.

“Well played, Miss Sass.” He says impressed.

Messing with him more.

“You really got to work on your name game. Justice, 1 and Leo, 0.” She says with a cheeky grin.

“Anyway back to your question,I thought it's appropriate to have a talk with the woman who my brother is madly in love with and make sure she’s truly the right person for him.”

Surprised by his words she stops walking for a second and then continues keeping in line with Leo.

“Well then I guess you’ll be questioning me about my life then, if I ran with the wrong crowds. Maybe about all the gangs I was involved .” She said sarcastically.

Amused he responds “You catch on fast. I like that. Shows you aren’t a rookie. First thing we're you the ringleader or mere poser?

A silence settles before they both breakout into laughter. They laugh and talk about other subjects all the way to the end of the secret tunnel. Leo opens the hatch that reveals a hidden section of the garden maze that Justice hasn't seen before.

In the area was beautiful mahogany bench that was located under a blossoming cherry tree. As she stands and breathes in deeply letting the soft breeze wash over her, Leo sits on the bench. She thinks of the magically moments she shared with Calvin. How much she loves him and can't imagine being anywhere in the world.

Leo sits and watches her and notices each time she drifts off her face is the same expression that isn't too different from the look Calvin gives when he’s deep in thought. He realizes how much these two truly love one another and he couldn't be happier that his brother has the opportunity to experience what he found.

Leo calls out to Justice.

“Come take a seat and let’s discuss a few things.”

She moves to the bench and has a seat. “Alright then hit me the best you got.”

“Why did you come here? I mean you met Calvin for one night, what made you risk it all for something that very well isn't guaranteed.”

“Wow, you don't hold back punches do you? I wasn't expecting such a deep question. I thought you were the laid back Prince?”

“You’re not wrong about that. But when it comes to my brother I know him all too well. Takes care of everyone but himself. I need to know that the person he chooses will help support and take care of him when he won't.”

Touched by the love he has for his brother Justice says “You’re big softie huh.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah anyway answer the question.”

“When I met Calvin, I was going through the motions. Stuck in the dead in job, no family, and craving for more in life. Then here comes Prince Charming himself with the sweetest soul I've ever met. I felt a connection that I try to deny at first but when Maxwell brought this opportunity for me to come here, I had to take the leap. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was meant to be here.

Leo watches how her eyes light up discussing his brother. It's the same way.

“I was wanting an adventure that will break up my monotonous life. I didn't to expect find my other half, to find someone who’s so special and obviously needs someone to remind him that he’s human and not super man. That sometimes he needs saving. It’s just simple enough. I love him so much that everything before doesn't matter, I'm looking towards the future will have together.”

“Next one, It won’t be easy. Always in tabloids, prim and proper every second, hardly any privacy. My mother couldn't handle it what makes you sure you can because the worst thing is for him to be abandoned especially by the one he loves.”

“I can’t say I’ll be just fine. I can't say I'm going to understand all the politics and characteristics of a noble should know but I’m a quick learner. I'm going to ease in a reasonable pace all the while emitting grace of a wise Queen. I can say that I will never leave Calvin. All the people of this country couldn't rid me even if they came at me with fire and pitchforks. I'm all in for Calvin and for the citizens of Cordonia.”

Impressed with what she said Leo leans close and gives her a stony stare

“I believe you but remember if you break my brother’s heart you’ll have to answer to me.”

Before she could reply he breaks into a bright smile and says.

“Just kidding! I had you scared for a second didn't I?”

Peeved she says “Really Sly..?”

He interrupts her and says “Taking everything you’ve said into consideration and…”

“Wait that’s all? Two questions? We’ve could've done this back in the library.” Justice questions him.

“Tsk tsk still haven't catches on huh sis? It's all apart of the Leo experience. You get whisked away on adventure.” He tells her with a wink.

He tells her sincerely “As I was saying, in this little time we’ve spent I see that you are perfect for Calvin. Everything I want for him and everything he needs. Thank you Justice.”

Her eyes holding tears in the corner “No thank you. You both are providing me with something I lost years ago. A family.” she says with a small smile.

Leo moves and hugs her “Aww don't cry sis! This is a happy occasion. You get to be related to me!”

Justice responds dryly “A perfect reason to cry.”

He laughs it off.

“Don't even try, you’re stuck with having me as the best future brother-in-law. You know you love me.”

She breaks the embrace shaking her head,rolling her eyes slightly giggling and walks out of the entrance.

“Whatever you say bro.” She heads back to library to read. Leaving Leo in the maze with his thoughts.

‘Well looks like I won't have to worry about Calvin anymore’

He’s happy to know that his brother finally found the happiness that he’d found on a cruise ship a year ago.Before getting up he says aloud

“There’s something about these Americans we can't resist.” Shaking his head in amusement he leaves thinking mission accomplished.

#choices the stories you play #the royal romance #The royal romance book 1 #Liam x mc #leo x trr mc #choices fanfiction

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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