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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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bi-mirandalawson · 6 years

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so heres. 7k. about my warden anise brosca and zevran. i haven’t edited it. the tense changes probably a lot.

this was me trying to figure out the full development of their relationship. how emotionally stunted anise opened up zevran.

its under a readmore but if ur on mobile and it doesnt work, i am sincerely sorry

anise and zevran are so. emotionally stunted. anise never really let herself experience any emotion that would leave her vulnerable. she limits herself to showing anger, or concern for rica. she will, occasionally, unpack some sadness or loneliness, or frustration, or hopelessness. she locks herself in her room when rica is gone and her mother is passed out at the table, and she lets herself feel things and she cries and beats the walls, and when she is tired, she packs it back up and goes to sleep.

when she joins the wardens, she doesnt get enough time to herself to unpack her feelings, so she pushes them down farther. after ostagar, she feels overwhelmed and scared, but pushes it down around alistair. morrigan wouldnt get emotional even if she saw anise upset, and anise appreciates it. but alistair. he is going through some stuff himself, and she wants to give him space to work through it alone, because thats what she would want.

zevran is. a welcome distraction. he is fun, and light. he is a cool breeze. at first, she takes him because she figures it would be easier to keep an eye on a would-be assassin from her side. but with every joke, every stray compliment about her appearance (or one of their companions), every bit of reminiscing on his home, she starts to see him as more of a friend. it is his companionship she seeks out more than anyone else's. and he gravitates to her, practically orbits her, but she says nothing as she assumes it is because he swore loyalty to /her, or because he wants to prove that he wants to be here.

so she is not surprised when she addresses his lurid staring and he owns up immediately. he has been nothing but upfront with his various.. proclivities, and this was no different. she is a little surprised when he asks if she would like him to stop. she tells herself that the surprise of him directly involving her in his attraction by asking her permission is what makes her not just allow it, but encourage it.

she thought he would try to play it off as nothing, or act like he did that to everyone, but to learn that he was specifically interested in her was enough to send her reeling. she supposes this is why he asks if its ok that he does it. she has never seen herself as someone to be lusted after. men in dust town ignored her because of her involvement with behrat, or saw her as just a means to an end, a tool to be used and forgotten until the next time it was used. she kept them at a distance with steely eyes and a sharp blade. she considered doing the same to zevran, later, after the shock had worn off. she didnt really know if he was any different from the men she was used to. she had no idea if he actually saw her as a person, or just something nice to look at or hold.

but she thought of the stories they had traded, of antiva and dust town, of the carta and the crows, of what they would do later, once they had complete control of their own lives, for the first time in their lives. she thought of him seeking her out, of his genuine laughter in her company. she thinks it is possible that he sees her as a person, first and foremost, before he thinks of her as sexually attractive. she thinks it might be fun to flirt back. shes never really had that chance before. so she starts flirting. it is simple and lighthearted, nothing too lascivious or personal. and he never pushes it. he has laid his attraction out, he expresses it every day. he makes sure she knows all she has to do is ask. when she actually does ask, however, he is surprised. he covers it up well, and agrees immediately (who wouldnt? he thinks)

he joins her in her tent, and she tries her hardest to make sure she doesnt seem nervous. he thinks its cute, and wonders if she has ever done this before. (later he finds out that she hadnt, and says he feels honored to be her first. and tells her she is lucky it was with someone experienced.) she is tense at first, but relaxes with every touch. he is slow, and gentle, and when they are done, they lie next to each other, sweaty and breathing heavily, just looking at each other. when his breathing has evened out, zevran gathers his clothes, tells anise not to be shy if she ever needs his services, and darts to his tent while alistair is looking the other direction.

their words grow more and more fond as they share more pieces of themselves. she tells him of rica, and her mother. he tells her of taleisin and rinna. wynne points out that this "familiarity" might not be good in the long run, for either of them. she asks anise if she thinks zevran is truly emotionally invested. anise isnt sure if he is, at least in the way wynne is talking about, but she knows they are closer than anyone else. she knows that he values her as a person.

she finds antivan leather boots, and quickly stashes them in her bag while he isnt looking. she thinks of what a wonderful surprise they will be later, when they aren't in the freezing mountains looking for a dragon cult. she thinks of what his face will look like when he realizes what she gave him. she feels her heart thump in her chest and she knows she is blushing, but thankfully the stinging cold has made her cheeks red already.

She watches closely when she hands him the boots. He turns them over in his hands for a moment. "Oh what a fine pair of-" he cuts himself off and snaps his eyes from the boots to her face. "that smell. whereever did you find antivan leather boots?" she urges him to try them on, and he says he just wants to smell them for a while. his smile reaches his eyes, and her heart thumps again, up in to her throat.

she talks to him about leske, after they leave orzammar. she doesnt really want to talk to anyone else. wynne maybe, but thats later, after she's had some time to think about it herself. she sits on the ground next to zevran and leans her head on his shoulder. zevran tenses for a split second, but does not move away. this might be the first time she has physically leaned on him in such a way. he looks down at her, her skin bathed in the warm orange glow of the fire. her eyes are half closed, losing focus as she stars at the flames, and he can see every one of her eyelashes with how close she is.

"are you.. alright?" his words are halting. he is not sure what she wants from him at this moment. her shoulders look heavy though. she does not look at him as she talks. she tells him of leske, how she wanted to take him with her, at least to bring him to the surface if he could not become a warden. she told him of the guilt she felt at leaving him behind. the hurt of being betrayed, of being played by the one person besides her sister that she thought she could trust. she tells him how much it hurt to fight leske, how much it hurt to see him fighting their companions, how much it hurt to see him laying bleeding on the floor, knowing that if it wasnt him, it would have been her.

he does not know what to say. for a few minutes they sit there in silence, the only sound the crackle of the fire and the crickets in the woods. "I am sorry," he starts, softly, "that you had to do that. that things ended up that way." her eyes close and he is terrified that he has said the wrong thing. "though you feel betrayed, you understand that he did what he did because he had to. just as he understood that you did what you had to do to survive." her jaw is clenched and she is breathing heavily through her nose. "do not feel guilt for your life, anise."

she exhales in a loud, blubbery sigh, and leans off of his shoulder. she is crying, big fat tears, and her shoulders are shaking with broken sobs, and she is turning from him, trying to wipe them away, trying not to let him see. to him, she looks as if she has never cried before in her life.

this is more intimate than anyone else has ever been with her. she has never let anyone see her cry, but this is the first time she's cried since before she left with duncan, and she can't stop. he does not know what comfort she wants, if any, but he feels dirty for witnessing this display of emotions. this feels so much more naked than stripping off their clothes. he shifts closer, reaches out and gently wraps an arm around her wrist. she yanks her arm away from him, hurrying to her feet and in to her tent.

she is embarrassed for acting that way, for running away, but not as embarrassed as she is for being seen in such a manner in the first place. she buries her face in her pillow and cries until she falls asleep.

zevran has trouble meeting her gaze the next morning. she sees him looking, and he looks away in an instant, and for an assassin, a master of stealth, he is not very good at hiding his awkwardness. she apologizes, her voice quiet but firm. he knows she is feeling just as awkward as he is.

"you do not need to apologize for your feelings. but consider it forgotten."

in denerim, they are found by taliesin. he is confidant that zevran will return, so confidant anise almost wavers in her belief that he will not. almost. there is no hesitation in his voice when he says he will not be leaving. when taliesin attacked, her stomach dropped. she didnt want zevran to suffer the same way she did. the battle was over in a blur, and wynne was healing them, and zevran was standing above taliesin's body as blood runs down the steps. anise says nothing, just reaches out and takes his hand. he does not pull away.

at eamon's estate that night, she is watching him. she knows that he knows that she is watching him. he is sitting in her room, staring at the fireplace. she sits next to him and leans her head on his shoulder. a second later she feels him lean his head on hers. they are silent for a few minutes, and she is aware of how warm his skin is where their arms are touching. she puts a hesitant hand on his leg, unsure if this is ok or if it is too affectionate.

"you dont have to talk about it if you dont want to," she says softly, "but you know that i know what you're feeling better than anyone else. and i will always listen, if you want me to." he sighs and settles against her.

"i did not want it to come to that. i knew it would, but i had hoped it wouldnt be taliesin." his voice is small and thin, and she thinks he might be holding back tears. "but it is over, and the crows will not come looking for me any longer, and i am glad for that. even through the sadness, i am glad."

"I am free," he says slowly, as if each word were a smooth stone he had to turn over in his mouth to get the feel of before he said it. "I am free of the crows, and i could do anything with my life. i could do whatever i wanted, whatever that is. i could leave, i could go so far away they would never find me." his speech speeds up, his words get frantic. he pauses, and his words are slow stones again. "or.. i could stay. i made you an oath, and defeating the blight is a worthy task to see to the end." another pause. anise gets the feeling he is waiting for a response.

"i would rather you stay." the thought of zevran leaving, of not being there when she leaves her tent in the morning, of not hovering just behind her when they're on the field, makes her insides freeze. "I have," she picks her words carefully, "grown very used to having you around. i enjoy your company, and i trust you on the battle field, and i would rather you stay." she thinks she can feel him smile against her head.

"then it is decided. i will stay."

they sit on the couch watching the fire for a while, until anise decides she should sleep. zevran is already asleep, and he stirs slightly when she tries to remove herself from him. she picks a pillow off the bed, and the spare blanket from the foot of the bed, and brings them both to zevran. he falls back asleep in moments, and anise goes to bed herself. he is gone when she wakes up, the blanket folded neatly on the couch, the pillow set on top of it.

a few days later, as they are walking the market district, he asks if he can speak to her for a moment. his tone is serious, and she is worried. they step away from the vendors.

"i realized that i.. never properly thanked you for.. taliesin. the other day. i am free from the crows, and i owe it to you, and i havent even thanked you." he holds his hand out, and when he opens it, there is a jeweled gold earring sitting in his palm. anise reaches out to take it. he explains that it was from his first job as a crow, that he kept it with him after, and he would like her to have it.

"is this a token of affection?" she asks, turning the earring over in her fingers. she hopes her voice is lighthearted and joking, and doesnt betray the butterflies in her stomach. her cheeks are red and she cannot stop staring at how the sunlight reflects off the gold and the tiny gems.

"perhaps a token of gratitude. feel free to sell it, or wear it, do whatever you like with it." he is trying as hard as she is to be as nonchalant, and she thinks he is faring much better than she is.

"thank you, zevran. though, you do know i dont expect gifts to show gratitude?" "I know. but it meant a lot to me and so have," he pauses, as if he wants to back up, "so has what you have done."

she puts it in her right ear, and tucks her hair behind her ear, so everyone can see the way it sparkles in the sun.

she sees wynne when she heads back to the estate, and wynne compliments her on the new jewelry. anise thanks her, and says zevran gave it to her. she removes it and passes it over, so wynne can have a good look. wynne notices the small smile tugging at the corners of anise's mouth when she looks at the earring in her hands.

"zevran? is this a token of affection?" wynne passes the earring back and anise puts it back in her ear.

"thats what i asked. he said its a token of gratitude."

"I see." wynne has the disapproving look on her face that only seems to come up with things regarding zevran. "how do you feel about it?"

"I.. dont know." anise's brow furrows in thought. wynne gives her A Look. "what?"

"my dear," wynne starts in that gentle way that anise usually loves but right now kind of hates. "i have already said my piece on your relationship with him. i advised you in the beginning, and i stand by it."

"thanks so much," anise says, her voice bitter. she heads to her room, knowing she wont get any more insight out of wynne. she sheds her armor and tosses herself on her bed. staring at the ceiling, she thinks.

How did she feel about zevran? how did she feel about receiving a not-token-of-affection?

she likes having him around, she thinks, and she seeks his company more than anyone elses. she feels closer to him than she ever has to anyone, save rica and leske. she wonders if he wanted to stay, or if he just wanted to be wanted. or if he felt obliged to stay because of the oath, and was secretly hoping she would turn him free. her stomach churns at the thought of him leaving. she supposed she could get over it. she lived this long without him. she supposed she would be able to go on without him. she wants him to stay, she thinks. she rolls over and stares at the wall.

she thinks she would like it less if it was actually a token of affection. she doesnt know how to deal with affection. she's only ever gotten it from her sister, when they were young. she feels clumsy with her own emotions, and wouldnt want to be trusted with someone elses'. no, she's much happier to not know quite where zevran stands, to not have to respond to his feelings for her.

he cannot stop thinking of her, of the look on her face as she turned that earring over and over in her hands. how delicate it looked in her ear, framed by her dark hair. she thought it was a token of affection. it was a token of.. something. he hadn't thought much about what it meant before he gave it to her. he just felt compelled to give her something. he owed her, owed her something significant for her support and companionship, and it was the only thing he had of any real significance.

as soon as he had the idea to give it to her, he couldn't shake it. it followed him for days, and every time he saw her, he reached up to touch the earring. his stomach jumped and his heart thumped at the thought of her reaction. for a week he considered what he would say. he didn't want to overstate his feelings, and have her misunderstand. he didn't want to understate his feelings, and leave her thinking he felt obligated and not truly grateful. he makes himself stop thinking about it, because it was becoming much bigger in his head than it really was.

the next time they have a moment alone, he asks to speak with her. he speaks slowly, choosing his words carefully to make his meaning clear. his heart is pounding in his chest, halfway up his throat, and he feels a little lightheaded, but he pushes through it.

he doesn't think about it until later, doesn't let himself think about it until later. he lies awake in his room in eamon's estate, his hands tucked under his head, staring at the ceiling. alone, with just the glow of a candle on the bed side table, he picks his feelings apart. he replays the events of the the market in his head. his heart hammering, his tongue thick and clumsy, his palms sweating. he remembers it all, feels those feelings stir again, and he finds himself frightened. he has never before had anything like this, never before had to fight the urge to tuck someone's hair behind their ear, or lace their fingers together.

the sheer volume of his feelings overwhelms him. for so long, he had remained detached, aloof, interested in sex and good times and nothing deeper than that. he had never known someone as intimately as he knows anise, and it scares him, to share so much of himself, and to have someone trust him with so much of them. he feels sick to his stomach with nerves, with the fear of being torn open, with the fear of accidentally tearing open, with the fear of loss of her company.

he doesn't want to lose her. he doesn't want her to die, he doesn't want her to push him away, he doesn't want her to tire of him. he thinks of how vulnerable he feels, how weak his feelings make him, and he thinks that she doesn't deserve that. he doesn't want someone so strong to be weakened by her feelings. he doesn't want to be responsible for a chink in her armor, doesn't want to be a soft spot that could be manipulated. and there is still so much to do. she should not have any distractions, in her decisions or in the battle field. if he can remain close to her, then he will try, and that is all he really wants, but if it would serve her better to be kept at a distance, than he will.

the next time she invites him in to her bed, he says no. anise's blood runs cold. she is stunned, and her tongue feels heavy in her mouth and it takes all of her will to make it move, to make her words clear.

"are you alright?"

"I do not wish to talk about it."

"are you sure? you kind of look like you need to talk about /something."

"Enough!" he snaps, cutting off the end of her sentence. anise jumps and feels as if her insides have gone hollow. "i said.. i am not interested. can you not understand that?" there is a sort of desperation on his face. "there are other things to focus on besides me, i am certain. Do.. do those." he walks away and anise is frozen in place. she thinks she might cry, and that is what makes her move her legs, wishing to be alone if or when the tears come.

he regrets snapping at her almost the second he does it, and he walks away so he does not have to see the look on her face. he figures it is for the best. maybe she will be heartbroken, but she is strong and she will get over it. he is inconsequential and she has much greater things to motivate her past this. and she wont have to deal with his bumbling emotions. and she won't be hurt when he inevitably cannot handle her feelings or affections.

he retreats to his room. he thinks he needs to be alone, but he does not want to be left with only his thoughts. he feels empty, feels sickly hollow, and he thinks again about how afraid he was to be torn open, his guts pulled out.

anise stands, frozen in place. she feels as if she has just been doused in ice water. did she do something wrong ? had she expected to much ? had he grown bored of her ? did he think she was getting attached and now he had to distance himself ? she fought the urge to follow him and demand answers. she was scared that he was rejecting her, and she was scared of the pain blooming in her chest.

she considers walking back to her room, walking out to the gardens, walking out to the market, anywhere to put some distance between her and zevran. she is afraid of what would happen if she confronted him now, afraid of what she would say or admit to. she goes back to her room, and drinks enough to put her to sleep.

the next day, she only sees glimpses of zevran. a peek as he crosses the hall. a silent encounter in the kitchen during lunch. she doesn't know if he is avoiding her on purpose, but it puts a slimy squirming in her guts to think of. through the day, she is more and more anxious and agitated, and the squirming does not leave her stomach. she has to talk to zevran, has to know what she did, or what his problem is. her palms are clammy as she walks to his room. she knocks firmly on his door, and after a few seconds of silence, thinks maybe he isnt there.

as she turns to leave, the door creaks open. she spins quickly, and zevran is in the doorway. he looks at her for a second, then looks away. he cannot meet her gaze. he can see the hurt plainly on her face, and the guilt makes him sick. "something is.. different about you, zev," she says softly.

"i thought this might be it." he is conflicted, and it shows on his face. anise is not sure if he wants to show it or not, but she is a little glad to see it. he has not completely walled himself off to her. not yet anyway. "Are you certain you wish to talk of this? i do not really.. know what to say."

"If you dont want to talk about it, you don't have to, but i want to know what changed." she fidgets, clenching and unclenching her hands at her side so she doesnt wring them together.

"let me attempt to explain." he locks eyes with her. "an assassin must learn to forget about sentiment. it is dangerous. you take your pleasures where you can, when life is good. to expect anything more would be reckless." he pauses, gathering his words. "i thought it was the same between us, something to enjoy, a pleasant diversion, and little more. and yet.." he trails off and looks away. he is holding his hands stiffly at his side, and anise thinks he might be doing the same thing she is.

"are you.. saying you're in love with me?" anise asks, her mouth so dry she can barely form words.

"I don't know. how would you know such a thing?" it sounds to anise like he has been pondering that question for a while. "I grew up amongst those who sold the illusion of love. and then i was trained to make my heart cold in favor of the kill. everything i have been taught says what i feel is wrong. and yet i cannot help it." his words speed up, and she can hear the desperation in his voice. "since everything with taleisin, since i gave you the earring, since you asked me.. to stay, i have been nothing but confused. do you understand me at all?"

his eyes are pleading with her, hungry for understanding and sympathy. anise feels like laughing. what does she know of love? "zevran i.. dont know any more about it than you do. in dust town.. feelings were a liability. a potential weakness to be exploited. and i certainly never had any experience with love, or romance or anything."

"all i need to know is.." his words are careful, hesitant, "if there might be some future for us, some possibility of.. i do not know what"

"yes, of course. i mean, i hope so ? blight willing, i mean." he smiles, real relief on his face. anise thinks he has never looked so beautiful.

"then that is enough for me." he grins, and she grins back at him. "I am sorry for acting so strangely. but i think i will be better now. much better."

"i hope so," anise says. "and i think i will be better now, too."

"would you.. like to join me?" he asks, stepping to the side of the doorway. anise steps towards him and takes his hand in hers, gently running her thumb over his fingers, hesitant as if she is unsure if it's allowed.

"i would love to."

he twists her hand so he can plant a kiss on the top of her hand. there is a soft and charming smile on his face. she steps in and he closes the door behind her and she puts her arms around his waist and he bends down to kiss her and it is gentle and she smiles against his lips.

they settle in to each other, over the days and weeks. they walk through the market a few days after, and he slips his fingers through hers. they stay in each other's bed after sex, through the night. they both get caught in the morning, coming out of the same room together. they start sharing a bed without having sex, and anise can't believe she sleeps so well with someone in her personal space.

"i believe i owe you an apology," wynne said about a week later. "i said some things about you and zevran, and perhaps i was wrong." anise's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "something has.. changed about him. about you both. there is a tenderness when he looks at you. a soft joy between you both."

"thank you," anise said, not sure of what else to say.

"i believe you have found something wonderful, some small bright spot in this darkness. and it was wrong of me to try to deprive or discourage that."

"i accept your apology," anise says with a smile. to think zevran's feelings are strong enough to be noticed. wynne is observant, but zevran is good at hiding his emotions, so to hear that he looks at her with noticeable tenderness makes her stomach flip.

with the landsmeet approaching, she finds herself seeking his attention more than ever. he provides a pleasant distraction when her nerves get the best of her. she learns that he can cook, really cook not just make food for sustenance, when he takes her to the kitchen at night and makes a dish for her. he says its because there are more spices and fancy ingredients available in the arl's kitchen than on the road. he reads to her, and more often than not she loses the plot because she can't focus past the silky smoothness of his voice. they walk the city, browsing the market during the day, feeling all the fancy silks. they try to find constellations in the stars at night. he holds her hand, and when she gazes up, she feels like he's the only thing keeping her from falling in to the twinkling dark expanse of sky.

they have sex a lot, but its different. its better knowing that it isnt the only thing he wants her company for. zevran would have laughed at anyone who said sex is better when there are emotions involved. but he knows better now. he knows how his breath catches when she traces his tattoos with her fingers or lips, treating him almost reverently. he knows that the warmth in his chest when she smiles at him after sex has nothing to do with how good his orgasm was. he knows that he feels safe in her arms. he knows that when he catches a glimpse of his earring in her ear, he is so full of emotions he feels like he's choking.

after the landsmeet, she just wants to sleep. the political bullshit tires her more than any battle. she takes a bath first, and tries not to think about anora's face as her father fell. when she returns to her room, zevran is waiting in her bed with two glasses of wine. she smiles and slides in next to him, kissing him on the cheek. she sips her wine and leans her head on his shoulder and he doesnt even complain about her wet hair dripping down his back. he takes her empty hand and she feels the weight of words he is trying to force out.

"I am afraid," he says slowly, looking down at their hands. "for you. seeing you duel loghain, knowing that i couldnt step in to protect you. for a moment i saw a future without you and i am still shaken."

"I'm.. sorry ? i wish i knew what to say." she presses a kiss to his shoulder. "i wish i could tell you it will be fine, and we'll both be fine after the archdemon battle, but we both know im not very good at lying." he smiles a little at that.

"yes my dear, you think spending so much time with me would have taught you a thing or two."

"if i have a future, its yours. "

"and mine, yours, amor."

when riordan tells her and alistair why a grey warden has to slay the archdemon, her blood runs cold. she feels her mortality more than she ever has. she walks back her room, numb, and instead of zevran, finds morrigan in her room. morrigan has a proposal for her, and for alistair. anise goes to talk to him, and feels dirty the whole time. she knows he's 'inexperienced' and she knows he wouldn't want this. she tries to make him see the necessity of it, but can't convince him. part of her is glad, as the whole idea of it makes her stomach turn.

she returns to morrigan, and isnt hurt when she just leaves. she never really trusted morrigan anyway. she goes to find zevran, and feels like she might be able to sleep a few hours if he is next to her.

through denarim, zevran hardly leaves her side. they've gotten very good at teamwork, at being aware of not just yourself but your partner. but she knows it is more than that. she knows that he is worried for her, and she knows that he knows that she is worried for him. if he is close, she doesn't have to look for him. it feels like days of unending waves of darkspawn. by the time they reach the top of fort drakon, she is bone tired and running on little more than determination and adrenaline. she and alistair both know that riordan is dead - she thinks its part of the grey warden thing. she wonders who will kill it. she wonders if it will be just the luck of the draw, whichever one manages to land the killing blow in a frenzied fight, or if they will have a chance to decide themselves. she isn't sure which is better. but she pushes it away because the archdemon has to be fought first.

the fight is a blur. she has never seen anything so big, so vicious, and she fights on pure instinct, not letting the heavy dread of her potential demise slip in to her mind. the dragon falters, stumbles and struggles to get up, and alistair turns to her.

"let me," he says. "there's no need for you to die. this is my duty."

"it's my duty as much as it is yours," anise says. it's not fair that alistair so quickly assumes that all he can do for the world, or for her, is to die.

"i've been a warden longer than you, so i'm the senior warden. and you'll be a better leader to the future wardens than i would. i have to do it." she sees him look past her, to zevran and wynne in the distance. "besides, you have someone who will miss you." she looks back at zevran, nursing a limp. there is blood on his face and in his hair, but wynne is tending to him. his eyes are pleading.

"are you sure?" she asks, her voice barely heard over the rumbling of the dragon.

"yes."

"alright." she steps forward and gives him a hug. her arms are weak from the battle but she squeezes him with all she's worth. she's crying when she lets go, and it cuts tracks through the blood and dirt and sweat on her face. "thank you."

he gives her a sad smile, then turns and lunges. his sword strikes true, and the archdemon is slain. there is a burst of light so bright anise raises her shield to protect her eyes. alistair is laying next to the archdemon, and anise runs to him. she grabs him under the arm pits and starts dragging him away. she doesn't know if the darkspawn blood seeping out of the archdemon will do anything to his body but she doesn't want to risk it. she wants to take his body back to redcliffe. she is sobbing, screaming, and now that the danger has passed, every part of her aches. in a moment, zevran and wynne are at her side, and she's trying to explain to them that alistair has to go to redcliffe, that she cannot leave him here. she's trying, but it isn't working. words are stuck on the lump in her throat and she is sobbing too hard to catch her breath.

zevran takes alistair's legs and they get a sufficient distance from the archdemon. she collapses, and zevran is at her side immediately. he puts a hand around her shoulder and pulls her close. she folds herself in to his arms and the relief she feels at him still being here, and at still being here for him, makes her stomach squirm.

when soldiers arrive a few minutes later, anise manages to reel her tears in. she stands tall and somber, and does not let anyone talk to her. she has no patience for their congratulations or celebrations or condolences. they carry alistair out, and she walks beside him the whole way.

they go to eamon's estate. it is largely untouched. she takes a scalding hot bath, and zevran joins her. she scrubs the blood from his hair, and he does the same for her. her eyes are red and puffy and her throat hurts from crying. zevran holds her tightly against him, as if he is afraid to let go of her again.

she falls asleep easily. she's never been so exhausted in her whole life, and, stone willing, she will never have to be so exhausted again.

she doesn't sleep well, however. the darkspawn dreams are still there, although they run in to edges of her consciousness and blur with scenes of alistair's death, of her own death, of zevran's death. she is brought out of sleep by gentle but insistent hands, and a soothing voice. her eyes snap open and she can see zevran hanging over her in the light of the candle on the table. this was a courtesy they did each other - waking up in the dark, unable to see their surroundings, did little to calm them. whenever one was woken by the other's nightmares, they lit a candle before waking them.

"anise," he said, placing his hand over her heart. he could feel her heart pounding.

"i'm sorry," she says. "i'm sure you need the sleep." he gives her a small smile.

"i actually have not been able to fall asleep. perhaps i am afraid of nightmares." he slides his hand from her chest up to caress her face. "are you alright?"

"no." a pause. he waits for her. "alistair sacrificed himself for me. he said i had someone to live for." she feels like crying again but her eyes are dry.

"i will not say that he was wrong." zevran's tone is heavy and serious. "i mourn the loss of our friend but.. it would be a lie to say that i am not glad you are still here." she presses a slow kiss to his palm. "i was afraid for you," he says slowly. they do not talk of their feelings often, and saying things like this still takes a lot of effort. "i saw you two stop to.. to talk.. and i was afraid he was telling you to kill it. foolish of me, i see that now, but then, i was just.. afraid."

"i dont think he would have given me a choice, to be honest."

"quite stubborn, our warden friend."

"he had an out. morrigan offered him a.. ritual. if he had gone through with it, he would still be here. if i had been able to convince him.."

"but was it his choice ? no matter how hard you try, you cannot make a choice for him." that quelled the guilt inside, at least for a little while.

"i'm glad you're here, zevran." he kissed the top of her head and they curled around each other. neither of them slept that night. by the time the candle burned down, the first rays of the sunrise were coming up.

he stays with her. it is almost annoying how he hovers, but she could not blame him. she likes not having to look for him, not having a moment of panic as she seeks him across a crowd. he stays with her after the celebrations. when everyone else goes back to their lives, zevran and anise figure out how to start a life. she is named warden-commander, and she works at rebuilding the wardens. he stays with her, and helps her, though he is no warden.

she cuts her hair off. says its too much of a hassle to braid every morning. he thinks she wants to look different, wants to separate herself from who she used to be. he doesn't say anything but how light and curly it is, and how pleasing it is to run his fingers through it.

they travel for a few years. he manages to take her to antiva. they cannot stay long, before the crows find them, but the crows are no match for them. they do not leave before he gets a new pair of leather boots for himself and for his love.

she buys him an earring to replace the one he gave her. it is silver, and doesn't have any jewels, but he is glad to wear it. she gets more piercings in her ears, and one in her nose. she decides, after a life of poverty, that she likes spending money on things that don't serve any purpose other than to look pretty. she decides that she likes decorating herself.

they buy a house in denarim. she has no patience for orlesians, and he likes the bustle of a city. it is close enough to amaranthine and vigil's keep, but not so close they are constantly bothered by warden duty all the time.

she wakes up before the sunrise almost every day. she makes tea and watches the sky change colors. zevran joins her before too long, a cup in his own hands. he watches the market come to life.

he grows his hair out. for as much as she complained about braiding her hair, she braids his any time he asks, and sometimes when he doesn't.

after a few years of peace and comfort she didn't think she could ever have, she tells him of the calling. he is quiet for a while, and he finally says that he will have whatever time she has left, and he will not complain because she has already been more than he ever thought possible. she laughs so hard she cries. when did he become so sentimental?

she tells him that she wants to end it. she wants to cure it. not just for her. she doesn't know where to start, but she has to start soon. should have started sooner. he asks when she wants to leave. as soon as possible. he says they should start packing. she laughs again. because of course he's coming with her. she hadn't considered the idea that he would follow her to the literal ends of the earth, but she isn't surprised at all.

#oc: anise #my wardens #writing tag

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