i like the wiki just saying this n not elaborating.

It’s me I’m back with Lesson 34 spoilers below. (including the hard lesson)

I always try to write these posts shortly after finishing the lesson so that it’s like… my immediate and unfiltered thoughts lol. Sometimes I change my mind about stuff after I see other people’s interpretations of things. So if you were wondering why I’m taking the time to write this at 2 am, that’s why. I totally forgot about the lesson during the day due to the whole Thanksgiving thing.

ANYWAY.

I feel like we got SO MUCH BARB in this lesson?? He was barely in it. But we had other characters talking about him and that honestly makes me happy, too. Probably because I like when they give us some perspective into his character.

BUT FIRST.

Belphie. We were actually playing the role of Lilith in his little Celestial Realm dream sequence, right? And then at the end it’s all but we’re not siblings.

Listen. I just think that Belphie has a lot of unresolved trauma surrounding Lilith and I really don’t feel like having MC play hide-and-seek with him in a dream is going to be enough to help him move past it. Enough to make him want to help MC? Maybe. But I dunno.

However, I also think I probably shouldn’t expect anything more intense than that from an otome game. They were just trying to give us SOMETHING to explain why he was cool with making a pact.

WHICH WE FINALLY DID. With Beel, Belphie, AND Levi. I get Beel & Belphie doing theirs at the same time, but I’m still a little baffled about why Levi waited so long. There probably isn’t a reason, but who knows maybe they’ll surprise us with something lol.

Ah. Lucifer.

This was my favorite part:

I love Mammon, he always just says exactly what he’s thinking (unless it’s how much he loves MC lol).

But we all knew it wasn’t going to be that easy, right? We knew Lucifer would be last. We knew that Lucifer would be the most difficult one to make a pact with. Remember what happened with him last time? Of course he doesn’t want to make a pact with us now. We’re likely going to be going through some kind of long drawn out drama that will eventually lead to Lucifer giving in and making a pact with us.

However, I found both Solomon’s and Diavolo’s reactions to this absolutely hilarious:

Can the two of you take this seriously, please?? I know you both find Lucifer highly entertaining and yeah, I'm usually laughing at him most of the time, too, but I need that pact to get back to where I'm from, thanks.

But we’re only on Lesson 34. So I think we still have plenty of time to make a pact with Lucifer, learn the truth about Nightbringer, and return to our timeline (or have the timelines merge or whatever nonsense they’re gonna do).

I’m still hoping for all that to get resolved by the end of this season lol.

Now, I found this exchange from Belphie’s Celestial Realm shenanigans especially interesting:

Assuming this is accurate to what actually happened when Lucifer was still an angel, this means that the angels knew Barbatos. They know him by name, they clearly think he’s a big deal, and they’re surprised that he’s agreed to be Diavolo’s butler.

I was always under the impression that the demons and the angels didn’t really know much about each other. But now I’m wondering if maybe Barbatos had something to do with the end of the war that happened before the Celestial War. The one that was between the Celestial Realm and the Devildom. I have no reason for thinking this other than the fact that as angels, Lucifer & Simeon clearly know him. And what else would they know him from? Though I suppose anything could have happened lol.

And then there was all of this:

What does it MEAN?! (Obviously I chose the second option for MC's dialogue, which increased Barb's intimacy.)

Barbatos my true love. Why did you give MC a real piece of paper from your grimoire? He’s always been cautious, always keeping MC at arm’s length, and now all of a sudden it’s here’s a piece of my grimoire? There is NO WAY he doesn’t have all of the build up from the OG. I can’t believe that he would actually give MC a piece of his grimoire if he had only just met them at the beginning of Nightbringer. So I’m tacking this on as additional evidence that Barb knows all.

Also can we just appreciate Lucifer in 32-A? All his brothers are completely out of it and he single-handedly motivates every one of them back into action.

It sure worked, huh? Do you think the credit card is in the freezer yet?

You guys. THE HARD LESSON.

It was everything. I LOVE the Little Ds. I LOVE them hanging out with Diavolo. I LOVE that Barbatos couldn’t accompany MC because Diavolo requested some fancy human world dish. This entire hard lesson was *chef’s kiss*

GOD I love Barb's knowing look and Dia's little frown. I love them so much it's almost painful lol.

Okay that’s all I’ve got to say about this lesson. In general, I enjoyed it. They coulda played up Belphie’s yandere tendencies a bit more. I felt like his change of heart was rather rushed, but they really can’t put him through the therapy he needs. I don’t think the lessons are long enough for that.

I guess this might be a vent but mostly I am confused. First of all, unrelated, but your blog is awesome.

Anyway, I'm a fat teen, I'd consider myself to be on the smaller end of fat, but I'm fat nonetheless. I used to be beanpole-skinny, but a whole medication thing made me gain weight. No big deal. But I've noticed that although people would mention my size plenty when I was skinny, but now that I'm not, everybody (with the exception of my fat friends & my mom, who is also fat) ignores it? From the way they talk, it's almost as though they're pretending I'm skinny. I even had a girl in my gov class tell me I should audition for Regina George if we do Mean Girls as our next musical, but Regina explicitly has the line of 'I never weigh more than 115', which, not putting exact numbers out here, but I definitely weigh far more than that. I've gotten similar stuff before, but that incident stuck. Aside from the casual fatphobia I hear ALL the time, not usually directed at me, I can't help but feel like they're making fun of me and I'm just too autistic to notice. What even is this? Fatphobia, or just taking advantage of the fact that I can't tell when I'm being made fun of? I'm so confused. If any of you could shed some light I'd appreciate it. (If more details are needed, I can provide them)

Hi! I'm glad that this blog has been able to help you!

I have autism myself, which I don't know if that helps or doesn't in this situation. My interpretation is solely based on the information you've given and my inferences based on my personal knowledge and experiences of fatphobia.

Sometimes, thin people try their absolute hardest to not bring up that a fat person is fat, which is possibly what's happening for you (major emphasis on the word "possibly" since I don't want to say I 100% know). This phenomenon is why thin people will say stuff like "Oh, no, you're not fat!" to people who are definitely fat and had briefly mentioned their own fatness.

Fatness is viewed as taboo, and even just the word "fat" is considered taboo to say. So my guess is that the thin people around you feel uncomfortable acknowledging your size because they believe any weight other than the weight of a thin person should not be mentioned. Part of why I'm guessing this is your situation is because you said that people in your life who are also fat don't do this to you. Even though fatness is still made forcibly taboo between fat people in this society, you're more likely to be talked to about weight by a fellow fat person than by a thin person who "wants to be polite."

The thin people in your life may also be thinking your weight is temporary, like a temporary embarrassment that shouldn't be mentioned, and are waiting for you to be thin again. And if what you said about "casual fatphobia...not usually directed at [you]" is these thin friends of yours being fatphobic to everyone else but sparing you by pretending you're skinny, it does sound to me like these people view fatness as taboo and are having their fun laughing at other people but not saying anything to you about your weight so they can keep your friendship.

I don't know for sure if my interpretation of your situation is accurate, so you may want to ask more people, especially any fat people in your life who know your situation better than I do. Maybe some of our followers have feedback too that can help? But either way, you deserve to be treated as a fellow human being. And this may be my autistic side showing that tends to ignore social taboos for honest communication, but I would possibly directly ask these thin people why they talk this way about you. But that action may or may not be optimal. I hope this answer helped you!! Stay safe and remember you always have worth.

-Mod Worthy

ObeyMe DEMON BROTHERS, but as Will Wood's songs!

i just love will wood, ok?

LUCIFER

♪She said, "It just feels inhumane to lose this much" / 'Cause when you leave, you know you take more than your love / Just one week of cicada days, we're losing touch / And I know it just feels inhumane to lose this much♪

Jeez, finding a song for him was tough, but i guess i did my best.

Apparently, "Cicada days" is about "that even the most painful losses can teach us something, as long as we persevere" according to some website. And i think it's pretty accurate.

I guess this song works well with all that Lilith death and Celestial Realm situation. Bro literally lost everything but still standing.

MAMMON

♪Please, policeman, no heel-to-toe / Oh please, let me go / Please, policeman, is it a test? / I won't know 'til I'm under arrest / Am I being detained / Am I under arrest? (Yes, you are!) / Read me my rights, please (No!) / I want my phone call!♪

So this song is about "dealing with life difficulties and feeling like you are trapped in a cage by circumstances". I thought that it, again, works well with Celestia drama and with fact that Lucifer was the one who chose everything for them. That would also work for Levi, but pppffft.

Also his brothers are often bullying him, so "feeling like in cage" might suit this well. No one takes him seriously and think that he is stupid, sad.

And oooobviosly Mammon might be in cage because he stole something expensive and hanging out in jail!)

other ones under the cut~

LEVIATHAN

♪One night one flung light through this place / So I run for cover, over, under, left the rind out on the plate / Little heart racing and praying, "Something, keep me safe" / I think it saw my face / Okay, one hungry day / Is nothing come what may♪

Okay, i have absolutely no idea what this thing is about, but according to some people this thing is about "Wanting to have someone near you and struggling with loneliness, but then accepting everything". Which gives some Levi vibes, since he is all "lonely worthless otaku".

But it's actually about a mouse, that's trying hard to live, wishes for cheese, hated just because of it's existence and naively hope that it will get to the cheese moon. It wanted to be friends with everyone, but eventually it gets trapped and killed. That's so hella sad and I've almost cried when i saw the clip, but, also it works well with Levi i guess. Poor dude wanted to be helpful for everyone, but everyone just left him(

All those hunger and cheese themes making me think of Beel, but no, it's not his song for sure.

SATAN

♪...Is there room for me in your cage?/.../ Animals are people too, but these people are animals/.../You might seem behind bars, but friend, this cage is inside out / It's awful out here, Socrates♪

AND

♪I wanna make my murder look like a suicide / But they'll all know, they'll all know / They'll all know that the body's mine / I wanna go anonymous to identify / But they'll all know, they'll all know♪

Ok so "Willard!" is pretty obvious. The singer loves animals a lot more than humans and wishes to be animal too. And Satan is definitely that one type of people who prefer Cats over people.

And "Cotard's Solution" is kinda more complicated. Its about struggling with your identity. Actually Will Wood's "Self-Ish" album has a few other songs like that, but i felt like this one was the one. Satan's identity struggle is a big part of his character as we all know. Since he is a part of Lucifer and all that stuff. And Satan's love for knowledge is also working well, since singer is trying to understand what life is and what it even means.

I was thinking about "Hand me my shovel im going in" or "2012", but i thought this one is better.

ASMODEUS

♪Where do you get off being so God damn beautiful? / Oh lord. Don't ask me what I mean /.../ I'll never know. I'll never know. I'll never know. I'll never know what it's like / What it's like to love you♪

In this song singer talks about extremely pretty woman, who he is in love with. He is ready to sacrifice himself for her, even if he knows that it's dangerous.

Part from UNOFFICIAL meaning interpretation that i saw:

"Overall, "White Knuckle Jerk (Where Do You Get Off?)" seems to be a portrayal of the intense emotions and confusion that can come with infatuation, particularly when it is unreciprocated. The woman in the song represents a sort of unattainable ideal, something that the narrator desires but cannot fully understand or possess."

I think this song works reaaaally good with Asmo. We all know how much Asmo wants to be the prettiest so everyone would love him. He is taking dietes to keep his form, uses a lot of skincare routine and overall trying to be perfect. Lets take that the "woman" is the ideal that Asmo is trying to reach, and he is ready to go on any sacrifices to be perfect the way how he wants it. So everyone will love him!

and i really like this song.

BEELZEBUB

♪Just like my parents in due time / Imagine me, just like my parents, yeah, right / 'Cause I've made more mistakes than simple empty moments /Each one as out of character as you know I tend to be♪

AND

♪Of the two things we do on our knees / Watch me fold my hands just to crack my knuckles / Well, here is the church, here is the steeple / Open the doors, see all the people / Alright, that's enough, let's get you home♪

I could find something that would suit him more so... uhhh.. "Becoming the Lastnames". Its just some cute song about how singer wants to create family, live happy and accepting responsibility for one's life. And hoping for the best, and working to create a lasting legacy for his family.

I mean, Beel is family guy. I just couldn't find anything better, sorry.

And about Kitchen floor... Well, that song is more about childhood dreams and adult reality, but its also about accepting your past mistakes and trying to work harder in future, so i guess it's not that bad????

Sorry Beel fans, i couldn't find anything better(

BELPHEGOR

♪Hold my hands, we'll dance the twelve step on my grave / I'd kill the man I am for one more chance to be yours, babe / No, I ain't begging, I'm just saying, it's an option / Don't let the latest be the last nail in my coffin / If you need me, I'll be in my coffin♪

AND

♪I am not the sunshine, I am not the moon at night / Well, who else could I be when I can hardly see? / I am not the sunshine, I am not the moon at night / I'm no one if I'm nowhere in between /.../ And if dreams can come true, what does that say about nightmares?♪

These two are just perfect match with Belfie!

The "Vampire reference in minor key" is about feeling dead inside and wanting for someone to save you. And we all know how dead inside own Belfie is.

And "Dr. Sunshine is dead" is about world not being black and white. And the whole Moon/Sun theme along with Dreams stuff is just perfect!

And both of them suit well with attic part! There is nothing much to say about these, they are just perfect.

I also thought about "Red moon", but i couldn't properly understand what it was about sooo...

Idk, tell if you want side characters version idk?

i enjoyed making this though~

Here’s what everyone was totally waiting for: my unsolicited thoughts on this cartoon man panel thing I found that got posted on YouTube! I… ended up writing MUCH more than I thought… but you know what, I can’t do text cuts on mobile. So I’m not cutting it. Sorry not sorry for forcing you all to read my opinions. 😆

I just kind of focused on the PPG parts because those are really mostly what I was interested in and scrubbed through the rest (since I’m not a huge fan of Foster’s, love WoY but just am not as invested in it as deeply, aaaaand I’ve only seen one or two episodes of Kid Cosmic). The whole PPG section was essentially me just nodding my head at all the stuff I knew that was repeated from other interviews (immediately blurting, “COWARD,” when he said he wouldn’t name them Pink/Green/Blue, occasionally laughing at the “I’m weird~, I’m artsy~, I’m not like other girls~” type of comments 🤣) but mostly agreeing on what he said about the girls. I mean, no surprises there! It’s cool to see how he’s thought about it all, especially in regards to the 2016 reboot and the live action thing.

…althooooooough…

I mean, agh, I dunno if I would say them getting older takes the Powerpuff out of the Powerpuff Girls (like… not gonna lie, REALLY bummed my mood to hear him go, “Oh, if they get older they’re not Powerpuff anymore, they’re just three super girls,” like…… I dunno, similar to other comments he’s made in the past that have irritated me, I’m sure it might’ve just come out bad and he didn’t mean it that way, but the way he said it just made me feel awful for the characters… sheesh, Craig, God forbid the girls grow up, then they’re just like eeeevery other woman, they’re not ~special~ anymore 😬😬😬) but like I understand that, what makes the girls different than other superheroes, specifically in the OG show, is that they’re little kids and they deal with kid issues. But… they’re also special because they’re sisters! They also have this cool id, ego, superego thing going on (I guess it’s more accurate to call it their heart, mind, and soul connection, now that I’m re-reading this, but what other superhero team has that? It’s very unique to them). Those are just two other big parts of who they are! I don’t think it’s impossible to have them be adults with adult issues (there could certainly be similar types of adult responsibilities that might serve as “kryptonite” as well, ones that are also more universally relatable). And I don’t think it’s impossible to make something with these three very interesting, iconic, strong characters in a setting where their femininity still wouldn’t be the main focus. They still would be living very unique lives: they don’t have secret identities like most superheroes, they still could be trying to live “normally” despite their amazing powers, like… it’s not that you automatically have to focus on them being women all of a sudden when they get older. You can still treat them like, you know, people. Why it seems like there’s an inability for these reboot creators to do that, whether they’re writing them young or old, I’m not sure (…I mean on a certain level I know but I won’t let myself rant about that). …also, yeah, like I’ve said before on here, for live-action you’d need a much bigger budget to even begin to give any of the villains worthy representation! Anyway. I guess tl;dr I personally would of course prefer them be their kids selves because that’s the original concept but yikes dude. I dunno, the comment just rubbed me the wrong way. 🫤

…also, I don’t know if it’s just me, but he seems to really light up talking about the Foster’s thing he wants to do. I would really, really, really want him to just work on THAT instead of doing that plus a PPG reboot. That kind of passion put into a project is great! I keep thinking about how PPG suffered with Craig having little to no involvement with it while working on Foster’s, and keep thinking about how… yeah, essentially, the PPG reboot is happening because money. Which, it is what it is, let’s face it, but I just hate thinking how, if they’re being worked on at the same time, the quality might suffer on one or the other, and I have a nagging feeling that it would be the PPG that would suffer, especially since I don’t really detect that same genuinely excited feeling he seems to have about the Foster’s thing when he’s talking about the PPG. …I dunno. I just feel like the, “Stop, stop, he’s already dead!” kid and I don’t want the series to needlessly suffer more. 🫠

Also that whole “bigger battles, tougher stakes,” etc., thing for the PPG… like, yeah, sounds cool I guess, but I hope it’s fun? It sounds like the edgy kind of tagline I would hear from these kinds of animation bros who want a darker, super-bloodier, serious PPG. I, too, love a good brawl and some gore now and then, but there is…… a balance. I hope he doesn’t veer too off-course in an attempt to make the series what other people haven’t made it. It’s a cursed enough series for something like that to happen. I dunno. I am trying my HARDEST to stay neutral about it guys, I am going to try to just bleach my brain and forget anything being said about the reboot. 😩

I'm not exactly mad at how Heart's deafness is handled and I am willing to suspend my belief, but I do have some points that slightly bother me and you'll have to bear with them:

Heart became deaf in his teens, which means he (very likely) used to speak up until that point. There can be many reasons for a Deaf person not to talk at all and it's not uncommon! But I still find it at least a little weird that it's not addressed since he actually used to talk so he knows how (unlike people who were born Deaf or became so from early childhood who sometimes take very difficult measures in order to learn to talk, but definitely not always).

Heart can fluently sign. How? Ever since he lost his hearing he's been completely cooped in, hidden away from the world and without a soul to interact with. His only interactions were with his parents who don't sign. Even if he was taught after his illness, no way he could maintain it on his own like this... It's like any language you learn, without constant practice you'd lose it.

It kinda connects to last episode's Deaf mass for Christmas. I don't know anything about specifically the Thai Deaf community- but it's very much that - a community. Ik it's usually a part of one's identity, you can communicate well only with people from your community and so you keep it. Heart was so thrilled to be introduced to other Deaf people, understandably, but it's not like simply being deaf connects them. It's being a part of the same community which he was so cruelly kept away from all this time. How did he simply integrate with them? (How did he know how to sign with them!!)

Linguistically speaking sign language is fucking fascinating, since it's usually used in separate bubbles (nowadays less so, but depends where), because the different dialects that happen because of distance AREN'T blurred by TV, Radio and social media like they do with spoken languages. If you learn "standard" sign language for a specific country you'd still need some context for a lot of stuff when you arrive at a specific community..

This one isn't such a big deal bc they don't really use it in the series much so far, but Heart said he can read lips when Li Ming asked. Reading lips is super hard. And like with signing- Heart didn't get any practice??? Even his parents don't speak to him. How can he learn to read lips? I think it would even add to the symbolism of Li-Ming being the only one who's trying to connect him to the world by making the effort to learn sign language, it'd pack a greater punch to Heart's loneliness if he really just exists in a world he cannot understand.

The Christmas mass was cute but it did sound a little bit like a patronizing PSA, but well. I get that they wanted to get the message across.

I'm SO happy GMMTV is trying to represent something like that (we can discuss the issue of using a hearing person for it but welp), and I'm honestly really really touched by it. I think what they do with him and Li Ming is beautiful and cute and like Heart said- it makes him feel normal. It's just a cute romantic story where one of them happens to be deaf. I just think Aof is totally capable of taking these extra steps to make it even more accurate :' )

Pale Live Read Part 1. Blood Runs Cold + Brochure

Just finished the prologue plus brochure thing of Pale, and these were my thoughts. I kind of took screenshots of bits that stuck out to me as I read then am going back over those in chronological order as I write this. Also, gonna do bullet points for now because I think they're convenient and an easy way to structure this, but I'm open to suggestions. Beware of spoilers for Pact ahead if you havent read it, because I love it a lot and this is set in the same universe, so I assume knowledge of it is going to affect my reading of Pale.

I'm immediately a big fan of Louise. Very relatable to me, I too am frequently unsure if I've taken my meds. She just like me frfr. 

Gonna go ahead and predict the moon bleeding isn't good. But this is the Carmine Beast thing I've heard other people mention in relation to Pale right? Also I love the way he described the bleeding moon here.

The Otherverse/the stories set in it are maybe so compelling to me because I too come from a fucked up small town? Like Jacob's Bell and Kennet aren't special, small towns are just like that actually. The way everybody knows everybody's family even if they don't know the individual person is so accurate. I'd be surprised if Wildebeest wasn't from a place like this tbh.

So are the chimpanzee shaped things Goblins? Actual hallucinations? Something else? My money is on goblins because we did see one in Pact fucking with a chronically ill girl so it would be in character for them to pretend to be a dying woman's hallucinations.

Louise would be a great practitioner. She very skillfully has omitted key info about what she's doing in her convo with Lincoln.

The grief she feels when this thing disappears is so palpable, and no one around her shares it, no one even realizes it happened. Idk I think it really captures the feeling of being alone with your loss in just that tiny section.

Okay so at least two practitioners are here now, along with what I'm certain is a humanoid other with a messed up face. Like her face was hidden three times, which matters in this universe. Then there are some kids?

It sounds like something has gone wrong with the Carmine Beast, and these people are trying to deal with it, but don't want the outside influence of what I assume is the lord or council members of a nearby city.

Is this theoretical nearby city Toronto? That's kind of what I'm hoping for. I'm curious what happened to the Astrologer, the Elder Sister, Paige, Fell's niece, and Jeremy. Like I assume the Eye is still just hanging out, and the shepherd is obviously not in the picture, so those five are the ones I have questions about. Isadora is presumably dead based on what the demons said, but what's Paige up to? She was drawing power from Isadora while fighting vestiges, so can she still do that? The Astrologer was nice and I want good things for her. How's tending to his former demesne going for Jeremy? Have the Sisters managed to keep lordship? (I'm gonna guess no since I assume their clout took a big hit after abandoning the fight in Jacob's Bell) How's Fell's niece's training going? Tbh she's the one I think is most likely to appear in Pale out of this group, but I want answers about all of them.

The little notepad thing in the brochure is like a shopping list for an Awakening right? Whoever L, V, and A are, they're gonna try awakening at 5:30. The knife, the thread, the time piece, the skull, and the coin all being doodled on there along with wine and stuff (presumably to offer the spirits) make it basically impossible to imagine it's anything else

It being in a brochure also makes me think these three are new to town.

"Stop Defending EA! They need to defend their own stuff!"

I see some people accuse me or others on the anti-paywall side of things of this, and I want to talk a bit about this argument and why I think it's a bit of a misunderstanding. So I'm 25, (about to be 26 later this week, woo!) and even though I'm a grown woman, when I leave after visiting my parents my Dad still reminds me to drive safe and wear my seatbelt and not speed and stuff. Now, when that happens, my mom never chimes in and says "Now honey, you need to not do that. That's the police's job to make sure our daughter knows to be safe on the road." That's absurd, right? Because while it is the police's job to remind drivers to be safe, at the end of the day, my dad's just reminding me to be safe because he doesn't want me to be hurt, or end up suffering the consequences of my bad choices. When he reminds me, he's not defending or really attacking the police and their effectiveness at their jobs. He just wants to keep his daughter safe. Here's the deal. I don't really give much thought to EA as a company. They honestly could do a lot better on a lot of things, such as communication with their community, accurate representation for simmers of color, etc. But when I am here reminding people that Sims is an EA owned property and that folks need to not trample on that company's intellectual property rights, it's not because I care about the company. It's because I care about the person who could get HURT by that company deciding to defend its property. Because IF you are lucky, and EA decides to defend it's IP, you'll get a cease and desist letter. But if it's super obvious you've made BANK off of their I.P...well, we know how money-hungry EA is. What are the chances they'll try some legal action to get a cut or hell, a majority of what you've made? And they'd have a legal precident to. There's already been court cases that have allowed companies to sue modders and proven that courts consider EULA's to be LEGAL CONTRACTS that players enter into. So breaking the EULA means you are breaking the law. I don't think saying something along the lines of "Hey, you realize you're basically poking the sleeping bear that is this big company that has a TON of money by breaking their EULA. Perhaps you should NOT do that and instead make money in the legally allowed way they have given you instead that also doesn't screw over the community? Because it'd suck to see you get stuck in some legal consequences you aren't prepared for." Another reason I bring up this point a lot is because it's important to realize that breaking a EULA is a small beginning step in what can be a nasty pattern of behavior. “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” - Lao Tzu What this quote means is that your actions become habits, and your habits become the character of who you are. Those small choices, those little things you let slide, can ultimately lead to you making more and more choices that are worse until it becomes the core of who you are. We've had a lot of examples recently of custom content creators who started out doing things the RIGHT way and then ended up making small choices that ended up with them paywalling their content and giving the community a big middle finger. Sixam CC has been one that has often come up. He started off as an early access creator, and did things right for a long while, and has since started to paywall his creations. Since then, his attitude when questioned about it and towards his patrons has gotten worse and worse. Including this wonderful exchange:

SimsCommunity even called him on his B.S on twitter only to get no response. I wanna share some tweets [I think I've shared these before] from Ghastly Simmer A on Twitter, which really drives home my point. I'll share the screenshots, but you can find the thread HERE. Just as a trigger warning, there are some su*cide attenmpt mentions in these:

I love the part where she says "they were literally stealing from the entire community" because that really is the crux of the issue. Because it starts with "stealing" from EA but it's not really just stealing from them. It's also stealing from us. The community. The people who actually make this game amazing. Then they'll expand further into stealing textures, models, and other things they didn't make. Some may start stealing other people's creations to throw into builds. Then it can go further with tracking and sharing of information between patreon creators. And then it can get so bad that it devolves into doxxing, bullying, harrassment, fake allegations, and job contacting. And the truth is, I'm not spreading the word as much for the people who have already gone off the deep end as I'm hoping to reach the people who are just starting on this path. To you, the person who has just started paywalling. The person who maybe has only just begun doing little "exclusive gifts" for your patrons. Maybe you're young, just 16 and you think it's okay because everyone does it and you just want some spending money. Maybe you're older and you're in a really rough financial situation and you're tempted by the idea you could make just a little bit more by paywalling. Maybe you're a 20-something who is needing direction in your life and you think you could make a living at this but you feel you can't call yourself a "brand" if you don't make ~*exclusives*~ like other brand creators do.... You have a choice. The path you have started on is one that looks good at first, but it gets progressively darker. Is the money worth the potential pain? The potential legal consequences? The potential pain you'll cause to the community by stealing from them? The potential people you hurt if you end up getting in with the wrong group and start harrassing people because you get it in your head you are protecting "your creations"? Only you can decide what choice you are going to make. But I will tell you, the money's not worth it. Because actions have consequences, and although Karma may take a long time coming, she's nasty when she arrives. You reap what you sow.

You have a way to make money and still be part of this community that is viable. There's lots of well known creators who do very well with early access. There's lots of people (myself included) who would love to help plug your early access creations and support you if we have the margin. You have a way off of this path if you wish for it. Because at the end of the day, I don't want to see you and the community hurt. I'm here to help if you'll let me.

hey callie (if that's your name), i hope you don't mind me submitting an entire essay of sorts so that you could, you know, classpect me. i've seen the stuff you've been posting here on this blog of yours, and i can't help but like it. so uhhh, let the trauma dumping begin, i guess? i'll try not to take this too far, so i'll give you something more palatable to read. if i do, feel free to call me out for it like you did over mentions of politics that other people did.

so...how would i describe myself as a person?

dude, i wish you had a format like a list of questions or something. is this dumb for me to complain about because by being this open-ended, you're giving other people the choice to say what they want to, with those choices ultimately providing a subtle kind of information that may or may not make your readings/analyses more accurate? probably. am i going to complain about it anyway? well, i just did, even though i'm not usually one to actively complain. that translates to absolutely, by the way. all this text is just a transcript for my thoughts while writing this. no wonder this has gotten out of hand so quickly. but look on the bright side: there's more for you to analyse. fuck yeah to that. :)

back to the question: one thing i can say about myself is that i go on tangents and can get sidetracked easily (see the above paragraph for explicit proof). i'm also a very secretive person, especially in regards to my problems and my inner world. when it comes to that, i can't help but feel like i understand them better than how the external world works. to compensate for this lack of understanding, i tend to, figuratively speaking, wear different hats depending on the situation. usually, im quiet and lay low as i keep an eye on what goes on around me, which i attempt to grasp by myself. other times, i do the exact opposite when i feel like i'm supposed to, mostly in attempts to get others to like me. i'm either too much or too little for the people around me to deal with. hell, i guess i could say i'm wearing a different hat right now through the way i'm typing in this ask, and that's mostly because i'm that fucking terrified of being able to be identified via typing style alone even if i'm anonymous. a person's gotta cover their tracks while admitting personal shit, you know?

so to cope with the fact that i find it hard to make friends due to all this, i've gotten used to isolating myself and being self-reliant, to the point where i straight up pretend to be stoic, cold, and boring to talk to out of well, a lot of things. these things include how i'm constantly terrified of social interaction, i'm afraid of hurting other people through whatever shitty choices and words i decide to make or say, and i can't help but feel worthless all the goddamn time. it even goes to the point where i tell myself that i should be so proud to be so "independent and badass" as a motivator to keep getting away with this despite having this deep, contradictory craving to have meaningful interpersonal relationships in my life, which i tell myself is stupid and that any attempts i make at it are bound to be a waste of time and effort to avoid dealing with it all together. and i suppose that also makes me a hypocrite by default. that's a big yikes on my part.

i also guess that according to some people i used to know, there's a side of me that can be best described as sassy, blunt, with a disposition of innocence and sunshine. i mean, i'm probably being incredibly sassy while typing this all out, aren't i? (which is intentional) if you find it hilarious (like some of my friends did), then i'm glad to hear that the interspersed shenanigans i've been pulling as i prose on endlessly about my flaws have made someone laugh. however, i don't fully buy my sunny, pure disposition as part of who i am as i can't help but feel that only developed as a way to avoid conflict, especially by preventing any sign of my problems and stress from leaking into the day-to-day conversations i had with them at the time. however, there were occasions where both my positive and/or negative emotions got so overwhelming to deal with that i accidentally snapped in front of them. even though i try to prevent those kinds of occasions from happening at all, i regret every single time i lose my composure like that without meaning to due to how i felt rejected every time i did that. and well, in my eyes, rejection scares the everloving shit out of me as well.

i've also been described as a "robot" and a "cryptid" on previous occasions and well, i don't entirely know how to feel about those kinds of descriptors. but i'm not complaining about it because being any of those things sounds badass to me when trying to be positive about it.

so yeah, i'd say that im a person that's damn good at usually playing the role of a stone-cold, sassy hardass with nothing interesting to offer beyond that while wishing it were the truth.

and well, i feel like i've talked enough about myself to feel the need to not mention anything else, so that's where i'll end this. like, i'm usually private about my interests, especially the ones i'm the most emotionally invested im (which can go to the point where I lie about them out of embarassment) and my aspriations in life are something along the lines of "i want to do all this cool shit, but i realistically don't have the energy for all that and worrying about what other people need from me is more important anyway."

hope you got something out of all of this. it was nice for me to type it out, even if all i did was talk about myself. but that's the point, right? and hopefully, i don't regret saying any of this. sorry if this was a long one to read, i hope that doesn't bother you too much.

Witch of heart

my name is Calliope, on this blog, nicknames are appreciated tho i find them sweet.

ah hem, you must excuse me, i am a little rusty, for i have not classpected in a while. But i "tried" my "best" here so take it however you will

you managed to talk about yourself while also avoiding talking about yourself. people majorly view themselves as.. a collection of titles, a community they're members in, interests, morals and their overall attitude twords the world. but you only talked about personality, which is certainly a rare case. No music or art that you're into? do you sit infront of a mirror all day and pass your time on..... self reflection ? you did say your interests are private so, maybe they're too private for even the classpect blog to know. how sad

i assigned you a witch of heart because, you're certainly a steriotypical heart player, from the way you're speaking. i do think I could manage assigning you a blood player with more information... perhaps hit my inbox again soon.

i struggled a bit for the class but then it was obvious, you change heart, you manipulate it to your given situation you put on a... hat. ( why did you say a hat of all things? )

✷ sometimes i add in a little bonus when the answer is too short, my guilt is practically eating me alive for responding with such a short classpecting sesh to such a big ask, but you did use a whole bunch of words to talk about nothing so, not exactly in my pay range to fix my reply, I will say i think you're the first person I don't think I could find a moon for, you could go either side but not in the sollux way, just in the: I think it took you way too long to wake up way

I know guy’s not everyone cup of tea but maybe let’s all try to understand Erik’s probably dealing with stuff or busy with his real life. In the last podcast episode he mentioned he got his wisdom teeth out and was still dealing with a lot of pain while talking. Maybe Guy was all he could get out. Big lore stuff talks a lot of talking and time he may not have had. We all know YouTubes algorithm isn’t kind when people stop posting for a while and I’m sure Erik is well aware of that too. He had to get something out to keep up with it. I say this as someone who also deeply wants some lore or to hear from characters we haven’t seen in a while. Erik’s just been having a rough go of it and might need to make some simpler stuff like guy or Ollie so YouTube doesn’t crush the channel ya know? I understand frothing at the mouth for the big stuff trust me (I would do criminal acts to hear from Vega again) but Erik’s also a person with other stuff going on all while trying to work with a broken shitty algorithm that is constantly against content creators. I know it’s frustrating but I really do think there’s reasons for it.

i did not know about the tooth thing, so thanks for telling me.

I do think it's important for me to note that even when i am critiquing the videos themselves and the content in them, no malice is directed towards Erik. Sometimes I really am just complaining to complain on my blog on which i complain. Not everyone likes Guy, but a lot people do and if it's the case that Erik needed to make and upload something easy then so be it.

I will still remain questioning why he has fixated on Guy so much, but its more of a question in regards to what he does (or more accurately: doesnt) do for the story. I think there's reason behind the things he does or doesnt do, even if him choosing Guy is perhaps because his videos are more popular (i do not know for sure, i havent checked. Feel free to fact check this for me. or not), or just to have some semi normal bf rpasmr stuff on his channel.

Either way i wasn't really judging or critiquing Erik himself because of my dislike for Guy, moreso for my longstanding want to see more plot relevant videos or characters that predates just this recent video. I was complaining publicly bc i dislike Guy, but it wasn't an issue that was brought about because of him, it was just circumstantial to my complaining.

I know i have expressed general dislike for Erik's personality and whatnot on this blog, but it manifests more in apathetic feelings towards him. I don't feel any strong way, but i do still wish to treat him as i would a stranger. I am not actually angry at him for uploading or making videos i do not like, a lot of the things i say on this blog are melodramatic.

I do appreciate this ask. though i don't think i was necessarily forgetting the fact that Erik is Just Some Guy, it was nonetheless a reminder. I'm going to continue to talk about how i don't like Guy and how i want other things on the channel, but it's more a general complaint instead of something directed at Erik himself.

My Roommate is The Monkey King! Chapter One

(This is the first chapter of my latest story. I hope you all enjoy it! Also, I hope that I portrayed Sun Wukong as accurately as possible. Feel free to leave feedback and comments!)

I really hate my job. I’m sure everyone has said or thought that same sentence before. However, I really mean it. Retail work is never easy, especially with a customer that is upset about his new credit card not giving him his promised 20% off. I sighed softly as I look at the man. “Sir, normally you would’ve only saved about $200 with your bulk savings. But since you used the card, you saved an additional $121.96.”

“No, no. You said I would save big. I should be saving over $400! Are you calling me stupid?!” Clearly, he wasn’t being very cooperative. Sure, I probably could’ve explained the card better to him, but he’s now being unfair. I could feel my blood beginning to boil. 

‘I need to calm down… If I blow up on this guy, I’m gonna lose my job.’ I took a breath to calm down and tried again. “I understand, sir, However our cards have a certain limit to–”

He shoved his finger at my face. “Ah, so you messed up! You didn’t tell me that! If you had told me that, I wouldn’t have gotten that bullshit card!” My blood was really boiling now. I could feel my hands clenching tightly as I try to keep my temper under control. He kept rambling on but I tuned him out. I understood that this was a frustrating task for all of us, but he didn’t have to be a total jerk about it. I’m just trying to do my job and he’s throwing a temper tantrum about not saving $100 more. I just wanted to kick his carts of doors and painted planks over and make him pick it all up by himself. I wanted to beat him into the ground… But I’m a pushover and just let him rant. After all, “the customer is always right”... Bullshit.

After that fiasco, I began to get ready to clock out for the night. I was absolutely done with dealing with that guy and wanted to just go home and probably scream into my empty apartment. As I was grabbing my car keys, I heard the break room TV playing the news channel and I looked over at the screen. The newscaster talked about a strange weather pattern that was heading towards the city of Fairbanks and I tilted my head. Strange weather isn’t exactly new to us Alaskans. We get scorching heat in the summer months, 24/7 sunlight as well. In the winter, the weather makes it feel like we are living in Siberia, Russia and 2:00pm would look like 10 at night. Like I said, we’re used to it. However, the weather pattern on the screen told a different story. “Weird… I had no idea that Alaska would get a hurricane.” I whispered to myself.

“That’s not a hurricane, James.” A coworker told me, boredly scrolling through his phone. “If you ask me, that’s more like a storm cloud…”

I raised an eyebrow as I looked at him. ‘How did he hear me?’ “How is that a storm cloud?” I then shake my head, already feeling exhaustion taking hold of me. “Forget it… I am too tired to argue.”

“Was it that bad?”

“Worse… Some Russian guy was arguing with me about his new credit card…”

He chuckled at that. “Yeah… We humans are a greedy bunch.” He then got up and stretched. “Man, I’m beat… I’m gonna head to McDonald’s before I head home. Good thing they don’t close until midnight… You wanna come with?”

The offer was very tempting and my stomach agreed. “As much as I wanna say ‘yes’, I can’t. I gotta get home and do some stuff. Maybe next time, Mac.”

Mac nodded with a shrug. “Your loss, but I get it. Take care, James…” He then walked away, his long black hair trailing behind him. I chuckled softly before following suit, clocking out and heading to my car. As I walked to my car, I put on my noise-cancelling headphones, turned them on, connected them to my phone, and began to listen to AI covers of popular songs. I had to admit that some of them were really good. Who knew that Sonic could sing “Billie Jean” so well? I got into my car, started it, buckled up, then began the drive home. My stomach growled at me and I sighed softly. ‘Damn it, Mac. You made me hungry…’ I pull into the nearest fast food restaurant, which happened to be McDonald’s, and ordered some food. The smell of the golden arches’ famous fries filled the car and I could feel my stomach growling more. I reached over to grab some fries from the bag, but stopped. “...I can wait until I get home.” I hated waiting to eat, but I also didn’t want to get into a car accident for a handful of fries.

Suddenly, I hear thunder and I look at the road ahead of me. “Looks like Mac was right, as always… I swear, he just knows everything.” I continue to drive, noting the color of the occasional lightning. I was confused as to why they were yellow-orange instead of the usual color. I am snapped out of my thoughts by my phone ringing and I knew it was my twin sister. I answer her call. “Hey, sis. I clocked out already and I’m heading home.”

“Okay, but just be safe. The storm looks like it’s getting worse and I worry about you.” She told me. I loved how caring she was and it made me feel a tad better. “Also, I have some leftover baked goods from the cafe. We had to get rid of them before they got stale, so I took a few.”

I smiled at that and chuckled. “Thanks, Melody… You’re the best.” I look out my window and saw a lightning bolt hit near the car. The sudden lightning startled me and caused me to swerve off the road, crashing through a metal fence and into a clearing. The car made sputtering sounds before it turned itself off. I tried to restart it, but the car was officially dead. My heart was beating rapidly from the lightning jumpscare and I took deep breaths to try and relax. “H-holy crap… I almost got struck by lightning!”

Melody was still on the call. “Oh my God, are you okay?!”

I nodded as I relaxed finally. “Yeah… Yeah, I’m good. The car is dead, though…”

“Where are you at? I’ll head over as soon as I can.” 

I looked around to see anything noticeable. “I’m near Celebration Ranch, about five or ten minutes away from the house.”

Melody sighed through the phone. “I know where that is. Stay there and I’ll come get you.” She then hung up and I pocketed my phone. I sat on the hood of the car and huffed softly, a bit miffed that I got into an accident. The only plus side to my situation currently was that I was still alive. As I waited for Melody, the thunder grew louder and closer. I looked at the sky and saw that the storm was right above me. My eyes widened and I went to get into the car, but a massive lightning bolt struck the car and I was blown back, electricity coursing through my body. I hit the grass-covered ground and my vision went black for a second. It’s one thing to hear about people getting struck by lightning… but it’s another thing to actually get struck by lightning. My vision was blurry, I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of my ears ringing, it was hard to breathe all of a sudden, and my body felt like I got hit with a flamethrower. I soon regained my sight and hearing and slowly stood up, coughing and wheezing as my breathing was still jacked up. I look over at the car and all that was left of it was a massive crater. 

‘So much for calling a tow truck…’ I went to check to see if my phone was alright, when I noticed… light. It was coming from the crater. I walked towards the edge of the crater, holding my burnt side with whatever was left of my tattered shirt. When I looked over the edge, I saw… some kind of monkey man. He wore some weird armor and had a quarterstaff in his hand. I slid down towards the man and went to nudge him with my foot. “Hello? Can you hear me?” No response… I went to pick up his staff only to realize that it somehow weighed a lot more than I thought. I couldn’t even lift it! “Jesus!! What kind of staff is this?!” I looked back at the man and frowned. ‘...What do I do now? I can’t just leave him here… Wait, yes I can! I don’t know him, so why should I even bother?’ I went to leave… but I stopped and looked back at him. I groaned in annoyance. “Curse my altruism…” I walked back to him, knelt at his side and pressed my hands over his chest before starting to perform CPR. “C’mon… C’mon, wake up!” I went to breathe air into his mouth but saw his eyes pop open and we both scrambled back with a yell.

He stood up and pointed the staff at me. “Hey!! What were you trying to do to me?!”

I was surprised at how easily he wielded the staff, but I ignored it for now. “Me?! What were you doing a crater?! I had to resusitate you because I thought you were dead!!”

To my surprise, he only laughed at that. “Me? Dead? You are too funny, human! I can’t die because I am immortal!” He then planted the staff into the ground, jumped onto the top of it, then began to examine his surroundings. “Hmm… This isn’t Fruit Flower Mountain, nor is it Heaven…” He scratched his head in true monkey fashion before pointing at me. “You! What realm is this?!”

I blinked in surprise. “Realm? Wait, wait, wait… Did you say ‘Heaven’?! You’re not an angel nor are you Jesus!”

The man raised an eyebrow at me. “What? Do you have any idea who I am? I mean, really think about it…” He then jumped down and gave me a smirk. “I’m sure it’ll click…”

I began to think, forgetting about my pain from the lightning. “...A cosplayer?”

The man’s face practically dropped before he huffed. “You really don’t know?! I am The Great Sage Equal To Heaven! Vanquisher of Demons! I am… The Monkey King! Sun Wukong!!” He pointed at himself, staring at me as if expecting something.

A few seconds have passed before I spoke again. “...Cool.”

His eyes widened. “What?! That’s all you have to say about that?! ‘Cool’?! I am more than just ‘cool’!! I am–”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah… Anyway, if you’re some celestial being or whatever, why are you here?” I asked him.

Wukong chuckled as he leaned against his planted staff. “Well, if you must know, I was just doing my usual duties of being Monkey King. Defending Fruit Flower Mountain, killing demons, having fun…” He then frowned as he used a finger to dig into his ear. “But then, I get summoned to Heaven and Ne Zha was there, as usual. We got into an argument, not my fault by the way, and one thing led to another. Next thing I know, I am being banished to this realm by the Jade Emperor! Everything I have done for the Gods and the Buddha, yet all I get is banished…”

I gave him an unimpressed look. “Based on your behavior, I can see why they banished you.” Apparently, that was not the right choice of words as that only seemed to piss him off. He let out a screech and jumped at me, causing me to yelp in surprise. We then began to wrestle in the crater. Now, I would lie and say that I was totally winning the impromptu fight… but let’s be real, I am not some pro fighter nor have I ever been in an actual fight before. Wukong absolutely destroyed me, ending with him standing on top of me while I laid on the dirt. I groaned in pain and coughed. “...Okay, lesson learned: Do not piss off the monkey…”

Wukong nodded with a puff of his chest. “That’s right! I am The Monkey King! I have never been bested by any demon nor mortal! You can’t even possibly–” I then hear the sound of some kind of aerosol and Wukong screaming and yelling in pain. His weight disappeared from my back and I look to see him clutching his face and writhing on the ground. Melody stood over him in her cafe uniform, holding a can of pepper spray. 

She helped me to my feet. “Are you okay? Who is that?”

I cough a bit and dust myself off. “Apparently, that is Sun Wukong… He got banished here, and he totally mopped the floor with me.”

Melody nodded and helped me to her car, then went back and was dragging Sun Wukong into the car. He was still writhing in pain, cussing us out, and practically promised to kill us when he could see again. I kinda felt bad but shrugged it off as Melody drove us back home. I'm sure he'll be fine... Probably.

HEEEEEEEEEY WASSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUPPPPPPP I AMELLED AN EVENT DON'T TELL YOU WERE PLANNING ON HAVING FUN WITHOUT ME ???????? WELL TOO BAD CUZ THERE ISN'T A SINGLE EVENT IR ASK GAME TO EVER ACCURE WHERE IM NOT INVITED I'LL INVITE MYSELF. WHEN THERE IS AN EVENT, THERE IS VIOLET.

WHY AM I SCREAMING ????

I HAVE NO IDEA

Anywho, (hopefully i do this right) ahem ahem

So speaking from experience i've been blessed with enough patience and sanity to deal with very toxic relationships with partners who i recognized soon enough had quite the unhealthy behaviours so for the longest time ever i haven't really acknowledged having a deal breaker but then i found out mine are gaslighting and guilt tripping once i figured out the methods they were using i called it quits woth no second thoughts or lokking back these are the only stuff i couldn't even bare the idea of accuring once again especially from my partners and i just can't into words the amount of pain that comes from this one even with all my other fucked up relationships i bared with. (Im sorry for the long ass paragraph it should've a short answer i just felt like elaborating)

My toxic trait most of my partners can't deal with, Okay so i donnu how to put this into words so im gonna try to explain it, you see i have a thing in my world there has to be a time more often than rarely where i just can't and mustn't deal with anyone, it comes naturally uninvited and cannot be explained thoroughly, and it's a bigger level than alone-time, it's when i just need myself in the progress it's like my charging port to keep sane (TW: SUICIDE IDEATION) and not kms, and in this time i don't wanna deal with a single living creature nor deal with social media, it's just pure me and my organs cuz if that life break gets interrupted i will lose the small amount of sanoty im keeping, and that doesn't exclude my partners which i knew and know lots of poeple will find annoying and unbearable when randomly without a warning your partner isn't responding and is practically ignoring you i understand how shit that gets so i try to explain it to my partners beforehand without going into details.

That was weird wasn't it ?? Sorry i spoke too much it would've felt odd if i didn't elaborate i kinda wanted to avoid any misunderstandings

Ahem sorry

He said you're only as good as you are when you are with me So I hope you know better, know better than to leave I said hey you With your world painted blue I said fuck you

ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴇᴀʟʙʀᴇᴀᴋᴇʀ ᴇx ɪs…

ᴛᴀᴋᴇᴏᴍɪ ᴀᴋᴀsʜɪ

You know, you're stronger and more intuitive and inspiring than you give yourself credit, Violet. It's not easy to sniff out a toxic person as fast as you did with Takeomi. You were onto his bullshit and I think that made it easier to cut the cord. But seriously. For him to make such a big deal over you missing a single event? To take another woman in your place? To try and tell you that it was your fault he did that all? I wish I was there to see you laugh in his face. Sigh. Motherfuckers like Takeomi really don't have much to offer to keep people around so they rely on underhanded bullshit to keep partners around. Thank god you saw through that shit, Vio. You were the best thing he'll never get to have because you got away just in time.

𝒩𝒶𝑜𝓉𝑜 𝒯𝒶𝒸𝒽𝒾𝒷𝒶𝓃𝒶

I'm glad you met Naoto though. You need someone with a good head on their shoulders. Wise and caring. And above all, an understanding introvert who can take your recharging disappearances in stride. Let him take care of you for once. You don't need the weight of the world on your shoulders, let him in and share that. Naoto is a clear communicator, so be honest and open with him, and I think you're set for life.

BPDtistic Diaries - 2 October 2023

finally here i am deciding to bite the proverbial bullet and follow my therapists advice and put my feelings out into the void.

what can i really say besides that i really hate existing. its difficult and messy and it sucks absolute bollocks. lately ive been feeling especially alone. usually i am comfortable in my aloneness so perhaps its more accurate to say that ive been incredibly lonely. trapped in my own head.

i know ive got some semblance of a support system but it never seems to be enough. nothing ever really seems to be enough. ive been leaning on my boyfriend a lot especially and i can see it taking a toll on him. and i want to give him a break but im totally incapable of taking normal distance and not just completely withdrawing and making everything worse.

it also just totally sucks to be so aware of my own selfishness and yet completely unable to control it. i cant help but chime in with my own perspective even when i try to listen. i know socially people dont see it that way but to me it seems like a pretty good way of connecting through mutual experience. i do desperately wish i was in fact not like this. but really what can i do at this point. it feels desperately hopeless.

and honestly my life currently doesnt seem to help. because what am i? a university dropout with no job who cant even take a fucking shower. my boyfriend keeps saying he loves me the way i am but i just cant believe it because i dont see much to love.

plus since last week i keep splitting on him all the time. i need his approval and reassurance and love. but the switch flips and i dont give a shit about him, i want to lash out and make him feel hurt like i do. i suddenly dont even care about him. seven months and i just keep ruining our relationship more and more. i mean splitting because he cant come to my cousins wedding because of exams? like what.

to be fair its like right at the end of his exams so really why cant he be bothered? ive only got the two cousins, i dont have the big family that he does with like 15+ cousins. so its a big deal to me and somehow despite my saying that he doesnt seem to get it. its a really big deal to me and i dont know if i can get past it with all the big feelings of rejection and abandonment its brought up for me.

i do so much for him and i sacrifice and i adjust my behavior for him. and i logically know hes good to me. hes a good man. but the emotions are overwhelming and i want to leave him. i wont do that, ill try to communicate instead. i really will. and ill try my hardest not to be super manipulative.

i work hard at that. i know i can be very subtly manipulative but im getting better. im doing all the DBT stuff and trying my best. im worried it wont be enough.

AnguishedAndAmiss

July 25 - 2023 Tuesday

10:47 AM

My friend just needed someone to talk to and I’m always happy to help in any way I can but I did a bad job trying to comfort her, even if she only needed someone to listen. I’m also a little scatterbrained today or just vacant so I wish I could have been more help. I literally couldn’t think of anything good to say. I guess I’m most worried about coming off as indifferent or uncaring because I care a LOT. She probably knows that though. 

2:53 PM

I feel things and think things but I don’t want to write about things or think about them. Mostly because I feel mentally tired right now. Im not in the best shape to be making progress but I have learned that progress must still be made regardless. I can’t always wait for the right moment. I guess there also isn’t anything pressing me right now so I can take a smol break. 

In general I know I’m having a hard time feeling like myself right now and instead am following what I’d describe as a sort of natural code. Im doing things without thinking about them. There is little exploration and creativity going on in my head right now, I’m just existing. My capacity for true deep empathy is lowered because of this. I’m not really here in a sense, or not at the capacity I want to be. I know this must be normal though, I can’t be on top of this kind of thing all the time. I’m sure this kind of thing happens to everyone. I’m just trying to get to know it better so I can accurately appraise myself whenever I get like this. 

I also had a very small incident with an onion. Its the kind of thing that harks back to the peak of my anxiety surrounding food and my stomach. I chopped an onion in half so I could use one half in my lunch and the other half went in the fridge. I still have some iffyness about eating anything “raw” even if it’s safe to do so. I hinged a lot of my sense of food security on making sure everything I ate was fully cooked no matter what it was (except for some obvious exceptions like chips, crackers, canned stuff, etc.). So I still found it to be a little exercise to take a slice of that onion and use it on my chicken burger uncooked. It’s an important little exercise though and I’m proud I did it, even if it wasn’t a very big deal. 

10:56 PM

I want to get on bed this time so this has to be brief hopefully.

For breakfast I had left over rice a roni from yesterday. I watched one of the newer episodes of Craig of the Creek before streaming. 

Stream went okay, I only did half commission work again since I’m doing it for the paying double guy. I had to stop the stream halfway through to call and listen to my friend but I started it back up for a little bit afterwards. I completed a little colored sketch in a way that I liked so hopefully I can keep doing that to get more of my ideas out. 

I cleaned up some and did my mini workout for the first time. Im really starting to feel it in my legs again so it must be working. During my shower I watched a new video from Lemino about the JFK assassination, it was interesting. Im surprised and also not surprised at how stupid people can be when giving testimony. 

Lunch was a chicken burger and a granola bar, very good. 

During today’s drawing request I edited one of my coloring brushes to be easier to blend with and I really liked the result. It offered more flexibility per stroke. After that I worked on this cute drawing of mine and my friend’s sonas again, it’s REALLY coming out well. When work was done I spent some time working on my horse avatar again, it’s also looking good and I’m so excited to be horsies with my bestie.

I hung out with her while I worked on it and we chilled for a bit while she showed some things. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I just wanted to chill so I wasn’t very lively. My eyes also hurt all evening. After she moved upstairs we played Zelda for a bit, it was nice. 

I wish I could have been less out of it, I’ve definitely been in a funk today and yesterday. I could probably figure out some straightforward exercises to turn to that could help me realize that I’m a living, thinking person when I’m struggling to perceive myself. 

Hibernation

Author's Note: For a story so old, I'm honestly pretty proud of this one. Sure, it ain't scientifically accurate with the hibernation thing, but with how many people said they really enjoyed the romantic part of this story, in spite of or as a side thing to the kink part, it's hard not to be happy with this one.

“Alright team, our team meeting has begun!” the excitable Ruby Rose cheered, throwing a fist into the air. “That was probably a bit much, since it’s just Yang talking about a thing. So yeah, go Yang,” she added, a little sheepishly. Yang stepped up next to her sister, her little golden-brown bear ears almost burying themselves in her long, flowing blonde hair.

“Alright, Weiss, Blake, there’s something I need to explain to you guys that’s gonna be a really big deal for the next few months,” Yang began. “So, as a bear faunus, I’ve got more bear stuff than just some cute ears and… a little too much Mama Bear protectiveness. I also hibernate, and do other stuff that’s part of hibernating. So, yeah, once the Vytal Festival is over, don’t be shocked if you see me eating crazy amounts of food and getting really fat and then sleeping through winter. Well, not the whole time, but I’m not gonna be doing much else.”

“Wait, I have a question,” Weiss interrupted from her seat on her bed. “How big do you get? And, what happens after you hibernate?”

“Well, I’ve only done it once before, and I didn’t get that big, but I came out of it really skinny. Like, definitely too skinny. If it wasn’t for me keeping most of my muscle I’d look like a skeleton,” Yang explained. “And for the start of spring I’m still pretty out of it, trying to get back up to a normal weight and basically still waking up.”

“Well, perhaps you don’t have to be so involved in the Vytal Festival and can begin preparing to hibernate earlier,” Weiss suggested.

“That might be a good idea. Bear faunus tend to get… unpleasant if they can’t eat enough before they hibernate,” Blake added from next to Weiss. Yang winced at Blake’s comments.

“Yeah, I ended up insanely hungry before I went into hibernation, and maybe a little crabby,” Yang commented, before a moment of realisation hit her. “Wait, was I bad back then?” she asked, turning to Ruby. Ruby looked directly at the ground and quietly responded.

“We almost got in a fight because I ate too many of our cookies.”

“Oh, wow, I am really sorry…” Yang began before Ruby shushed her.

“It’s okay, it was kinda my fault too. I did eat a lot of cookies back then,” Ruby quickly but nervously apologised.

“Well, I think it goes without saying that you have the support of the rest of the team in this,” Weiss said, rising to meet Yang eye to eye, or at least as much as the much shorter Weiss could meet Yang eye to eye. “The Vytal Festival isn’t for a month, so we have time to figure out how to balance that with Yang’s needs. Hopefully we can have another meeting to sort that out before Yang’s appetite becomes an issue.”

“Alright, if no one’s got anything else, meeting adjourned!” Ruby cheered again.

--- 

“Is anyone else starving?” Ruby asked, raising her voice just loud enough to be heard over the commotion of the Vytal Festival’s fairgrounds. The hustle and bustle of stalls and visitors was a lot to work through, but it was nothing for Team RWBY, who had just won their first Vytal Tournament match.

“Do you have to ask?” Yang asked with slightly bitter sarcasm as her bear ears flattened against her head.

“I know you’re always hungry, or at least you are now. I was kinda aiming that question at Weiss and Blake instead,” Ruby said in a submissive tone.

“I may have worked up an appetite,” Blake said, cool as ice. The loud, angry rumbling of a hungry stomach made her point very clear.

“Well, at least my stomach’s not the only one mad at me,” Yang joked. “I’ll see you guys at the noodle stand.” Yang strode off with a fierce purpose, a purpose so strong, she didn’t realise that only Weiss was still following her until they reached the stand and saw Ruby and Blake running after them.

“Sorry, I dropped my wallet. Emerald found it though, so we’re okay,” Ruby called out as she approached the pair.

“Well, it’s good that you still have your wallet, but I think I can afford to pay for our lunch today,” Weiss said in a way that was almost certainly bragging.

“Oh man, you’re gonna regret saying that,” Yang said with a smirk before turning to the elderly shopkeeper. “Biggest bowl you’ve got, please.”

Three orders and a declined card later, Yang was heavily considering eating the very inedible stall itself if nothing else came along. Fortunately for her, her saviours arrived. In reality it was Team JNPR, but for the starving Yang they might as well have been literal angels. As Pyrrha made her very generous offer to help pay for the meals, Yang threw her arms in the air to cheer and celebrate and her ears perked up. She then realised that she may have been gripping the bench in front of her a little too firmly as she saw some hand-shaped indents around the edge of the bench.

When Yang finally got her incredibly large bowl of noodles she tore into it like she hadn’t eaten in weeks. Breakfast that morning certainly felt like it was weeks ago, even though it hadn’t exactly been a light meal. When she finished it, she saw that the rest of her team, as well as Team JNPR were barely half way through their meals. She also noticed that Jaune didn’t seem to be doing so well with his meal.

“You okay there, buddy?” she asked, leaning over towards the struggling blond boy.

“I didn’t know these were so big. I don’t think I can eat with these nerves,” Jaune said weakly.

“Want me to get rid of those for you?” Yang offered. Jaune gave a slow nod and in an instant Yang had snatched up his bowl and was tearing through that too.

When Yang finally finished her second meal, she leaned back and basked in contentment, her hunger finally sated, or at least sated for now. As she leant back, she realised that she had totally missed Team JNPR, as well as Blake and Ruby, leaving. Fortunately, a distracted looking Weiss was still sitting there, spacing out in the general direction of Yang’s midsection, one that Yang realised was looking a little more spherical that she ever expected it to be. Still, there were more important concerns than a round gut.

“Hey, Weiss,” Yang said, snapping her fingers right in Weiss’ face. In reaction, Weiss shook her head and pulled her attention away from Yang’s stomach.

“Sorry, what happened?” Weiss asked sheepishly.

“Hey, no need to apologise. I get it, being broke sucks and your dad’s a jerk, can’t blame you for getting distracted,” Yang reassured with a pat on the back.

“Right, yes, that is why I’m distracted,” Weiss said, somewhat unconvincingly. Yang could tell something else was on her mind, but she didn’t want to push it further out in public. Instead, she spun around and got up off her seat, a little unsteady from the extra weight.

“Well, how about we watch JNPR kick some butt to help get your mind off that,” Yang cheered as she led Weiss away from the fairgrounds and back towards the stadium.

  ---

Yang knew that the inevitable weight gain was going to happen after the festival, but she didn’t expect it to hit her like a truck. She was piling on weight and going up clothing sizes faster than she had ever done before. While she was lucky that the academy allowed her to have free larger uniforms, it was still embarrassing when she outgrew a size in about a week and had to make another trip to the uniform storage room to upsize. Even worse, her combat gear wasn’t covered by the school at all, so it was either cram her growing body into clothes that clearly didn’t fit, or just live in her school uniform. At least, that was the case until Weiss offered to buy clothes for her, explaining that her performance at the Vytal Tournament was enough to get her allowance back. While reluctant, Yang took Weiss up on her offer and every so often Yang found a package of clothes sitting on Weiss’ bed, which she had offered to Yang so Yang didn’t have to climb up to her top bunk.

All of this support from Weiss, as well as the less dramatic support from Ruby and Blake, was a bright spot in Yang’s life, as every other moment was spent trying to ignore the possibility of people talking about her gains behind her back. Everyone else seemed to act so differently around her, all acting like they were trying to avoid the obvious topic, even when it really should have been an unavoidable topic, such as when a button popped off her shirt and hit Professor Goodwitch in the face during a discussion about Yang’s involvement in combat classes. All of that led to Yang spending most of her time in the team’s dorm, with a surprisingly supportive Weiss consistently keeping her company, such as the day Yang hit one hundred kilos.

“It’s okay,” Weiss said softly, rubbing circles across Yang’s back. “We both knew it was going to happen sooner or later.” Yang let out a heavy sigh.

“Yeah, but it’s different once it actually happens. I didn’t even get this big last time I hibernated, and I’ve still got a month and a half to go. How big am I gonna be by the time I go to sleep?” Yang replied in a defeated tone.

“This is all very unlike the Yang Xiao Long I met at the beginning of the year,” Weiss commented.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Yang grumbled. Weiss thought for a moment.

“How about the fact that Team JNPR offered their support? Were you aware of that?” Weiss asked, immediately perking up Yang’s bear ears, even if the rest of her still looked mopey. “Were you also aware of a senior student who wanted to speak to you about his own experiences with hibernating?” That got Yang at least sitting upright and looking a little less down in the dumps. “And perhaps you may be interested to note that you are almost certainly the bustiest person at Beacon.”

“Seriously, Weiss?” Yang said through a quiet laugh.

“Well, I haven’t exactly taken measurements, but I’m confident in my estimations,” Weiss said in a confident tone.

“No, Weiss. What I mean is ‘have you seriously been keeping track of that?’” Yang asked, with a smug grin on her soft face. That made Weiss go bright red and suddenly need to look away.

“Uh, w-well I just thought that perhaps an appeal to vanity might help you,” Weiss stammered, only making Yang laugh more. “It’s not that funny.” After Yang took a moment to compose herself, she looked at Weiss with a sincere look in her eyes.

“I’m sure you can tell, but I haven’t been the most cheerful person lately, so every little bit helps. So, thanks for helping,” Yang said softly, before reaching over to Weiss and wrapping her in a tight hug. She could feel Weiss reciprocating in kind, snuggling in as closely as she could. This kind of intimacy was something Yang had been craving so much, that now she had it, she just wanted to hug Weiss forever. The only thing that could drag her away from this was her big, round stomach rumbling with hunger, despite having been well fed only an hour ago. The noise drew giggles from both Yang and Weiss.

“I think you need something to eat,” Weiss stated.

“Well then, lead the way to more food,” Yang replied, releasing Weiss from her grip and preparing to follow her.

  ---

Yang could feel the chill in the air and drowsiness taking a hold of her. That meant it was time for her hibernation, and it couldn’t come soon enough. She was wide enough to fill the bed completely, with a touch of love handle spilling over. The flannel pyjamas she planned to wear were large enough for the mattress to wear, and yet they were still barely big enough to contain her. Her top’s buttons all strained against her ballooning breasts and massive stomach, which hung over her waistband and poured out from under the top. Meanwhile, the pants were skin-tight and whenever Yang moved she was in constant fear of a seam splitting from either trying to move around or the thick layers of fat on her thighs and rear bouncing and reverberating as she did so. All of that was why she was very happy to be in bed, not planning to move for a very, very long time. Still, as eager as she was for sleep to take her as she lay there, she was happy to stay up just a little bit longer for one last talk with Weiss. Again, she noticed a nervousness about Weiss, something that had been a constant for the last month, and Yang assured herself that this would be dealt with now.

“So, Weiss, I have something I need to ask you about,” Yang began, before being quietened by a gesture from Weiss, sitting at the edge of the bed in her nightgown.

“I also have something to say. I suppose it would be a confession, of sorts, if you’ll give me the chance to make it,” Weiss said cautiously. When Yang gestured her to carry on, Weiss rose to her feet and took a deep breath. “Yang, my support of your weight gain didn’t come from an entirely selfless state of mind. I also have an… appreciation for larger people, and after hearing that you were going to be gaining weight, I just had to be a part of it to satisfy a part of myself. I’m sorry for using you for…”

“Weiss!” Yang interrupted, stopping Weiss dead in her apology. “It’s okay. I appreciate your concern, but hearing all of this, I’m just happy to know at least someone still likes how I look, especially...”

“It’s not just that,” Weiss continued, a wistful smile slowly sneaking on to her face. “In the time I spent around you, I also… developed a fondness for you. I think…” Weiss sat back down, placing her hands upon Yang’s and gripping them firmly. “I think I’m in love with you, Yang.” Yang broke out in a massive smile, the beginnings of tears of joy began to appear in her lavender eyes.

“Weiss, I love you too,” Yang affirmed in a wavering voice. That was all Weiss had to hear for her to climb up on top of Yang, cup her fat face in her hands, and deliver a determined kiss to her lips. Yang’s soft hands held Weiss close as Weiss’ began to wander lower, across Yang’s pillowy bosom and expansive stomach. Weiss constantly drifted towards the buttons of Yang’s top, but willpower and respect for Yang’s decency kept the buttons done up, despite their best efforts to burst open. Eventually, the roaming hands and locked lips slowed and the pair broke for air.

“I hope that wasn’t too much,” Weiss said in a way that clearly wanted a response.

“Maybe it was a little too much excitement before I go to sleep, but I can’t really complain,” Yang said with a shrug that made her entire body wobble.

“Well, I suppose I should leave you to it then,” Weiss said as she clambered off her new lover. She leant in slowly, placing a gentle kiss on Yang’s chubby cheek. “I’ll see you when you wake up,” she added.

“Goodnight, Weiss.”

  ---

When spring had finally sprung, Yang found herself eagerly awakening. She quickly shed her pyjama cocoon, which was large enough to look like she was swimming in it, and beneath all that clothing she found a whole new woman. She excitedly put her old clothes on for the first time in far too long, greeting them like old, close friends. Also, like old friends, there were some changes that Yang needed to adjust to. Her breasts and buttocks had ended up still a little plumper than they were before the Vytal Tournament, leaving her top and bra just a little bit past snug and her shorts so tight that Yang expected a real struggle to remove them later, although fortunately everything else was back to normal. Still, through all of that, she still had Weiss at her side, offering sincere sweetness and support.

“It’s nothing that exercise can’t deal with,” Weiss said with a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Yang struck a pose that exaggerated both enlarged features.

“Bet you wouldn’t complain if they stuck around,” Yang snarked, putting on a smug grin.

“Oh, obviously not,” Weiss agreed. “And I’m looking forward to your next hibernation. Without the Vytal Festival to get in our way, we will have plenty of time to fatten you up,” she added, patting Yang’s now flat stomach, which held a hint of abs despite everything. Yang reached over to cup Weiss’ cheek as she went for a kiss. A moment later, as Weiss was still looking a little surprised from the kiss, Yang picked up a devilish grin.

“I can hardly wait.”

transcription of slides under the cut:

[SLIDE 1] the vibes ao3’s top 9 mdzs ships give me (a really stupid thing i made on a lazy saturday)

[SLIDE 2] wangxian: the wholesome canon relationship (with a hint of spice)

ok maybe calling the union between a demonic cultivator and a secret sex fiend “wholesome” isnt exactly accurate…but that’s where the “hint of spice” comes in

other than that tho? i remember seeing a meme somewhere about wangxian and sangcheng and wangxian was described as “domestic gays with a house and a white picket fence and two kids” and honestly? yes 

not that they cant be freaky. id say their particular brand of freakiness is vaguely surrealist suburban horror. make of that what you will

[SLIDE 3] xicheng: either its “pair the spares” or just about trauma

their dynamic is 500% “karen/enabling husband” but like in a good way

objectively the best-dressed couple you will ever meet. like seriously why are you even trying? theyve got you beat

jc would own a flower shop and punch you in the face for saying a single bad thing about his flowers. lxc would own a tattoo parlor and hand you a lollipop and tell you how proud he is of you for not crying while he gave you a tattoo

they dont strike me as a “every evening we relax and watch the sunset” type of relationship B U T every other week they go stargazing with a detailed map of the night sky

[SLIDE 4] xiyao: either a) the angst of betraying/being betrayed or b) the angst of killing/being killed

high society gays. they would both unironically wear tuxedos to a mcdonalds. lxc would see it as a fun couples thing and jgy would do it to assert his dominance

i swear they would be among the smiliest of the major couples. only one of them would give you a happy smile

dont mess with them. no like dont mess with any of the couples but so far jgy is the first one who would make your life living hell and keep you around long enough to suffer the consequences

[SLIDE 5] sangcheng: being simultaneously over- and underestimated

i saw a meme about sangcheng and wangxian where sangcheng was described as something along the lines of “wine aunt and vodka uncle” and honestly? yes

they’re both human disasters. nhs would have various splotches of color on his clothes and you cant tell if it was intentional or if theyre actually stains. jc is very neat and organized but will have a mental breakdown at the slightest inconvenience

sometimes they just sit down across from each other and. cry. its how they bond

idk why it popped into my head but they’re both ace Because I Said So

[SLIDE 6] xuexiao: cute domesticity but also murder

i refuse to believe that xy is anything but unhinged in every universe. whether or not thats a good thing is up to you

xy could and would murder you in your sleep and not feel bad about it until xxc told him off. even then he might still decide it was worth it

xxc doesnt exactly know about The Murder Stuff(TM) but he knows some shit is off but he trusts xy enough to not comment on it

they would meet and hook up in a bar and mutually decide that they may as well stay together for the rest of their lives the next morning

[SLIDE 7] xuanli: the token straights (but also? theyre really cute???)

i did not expect them to be as cute as they were but here i am

anyway jyl has jzxuan wrapped around her little finger and shes just too nice to use that to her advantage

if jyl asked jzxuan for some chocolate jzxuan would just buy her the entire hershey company and forget to give her an actual chocolate bar and jyl is too sweet to actually say anything about it

they would definitely have like 20 children. theyd fucking love being parents. the moment having another child became dangerous theyd start adopting left and right. theyre rich they can afford it and their hearts are big enough for all their kids so why would they not?

[SLIDE 8] songxiao: childhood friends to lovers AND perfect power couple

i know they have more nuance than this but i cant help but think of them as The Perfect Couple(TM)

not shipping-wise!! i mean like. theyre both law-abiding citizens. their house looks like a model house. theyre dressed super neat and handsomely. they both know cpr and first aid and one of them is a lawyer and the other is an award winning writer. idk who is who but yk.

they are who people call to deal with problems instead of the police and they delight in that fact. that is what i mean by them being The Perfect Couple(TM)

[SLIDE 9] chengxian: disasters through and through

uhh i am going to be spending the entirety of this slide ignoring the fact that i personally consider them siblings

they would live in a dingy studio apartment in the heart of a city and theyd both never be home

theyre both super fucking rich but theyd never have any money on hand so dont be surprised if they just starve out on the street one day because theyre just that stupid

they collectively have the self esteem of rotting cabbage but theyre keeping themselves and each other alive purely out of spite and sheer force of will

[SLIDES 10] nielan: childhood friends to lovers AND himbo power couple

psst heres a secret: neither of them are actually himbos

H O W E V E R they both 500% pretend they are. they intentionally act as stupid as possible just for the fun of it

the best part is when they stop acting stupid when something important happens. crouching-moron-hidden-badass at its finest

also the older brother energy is overflowing. it does not matter who you are or how old you are. if you meet them then youre going to walk away with two new big brothers

[SLIDES 11] the end (unless i gather the willpower to make a part 2)