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butdaddyilovehim-hs · 8 months

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Tolerate It II

"What would you do if I break free and leave us in ruins?"

Read Part I here

Quite frankly, Harry isn’t sure how much longer he can take this. He listens to Y/N’s request for space for all of 4 days.

On Sunday, Harry finds the whiskey he put away when Elle was born. He finishes the bottle.

On Monday, he works himself into a frenzy looking at pictures of Y/N at their wedding. The smile on her face sends him spiralling as he realises he hasn’t seen her smile like that in a while.

On Tuesday, Anne calls him and boy does she let him have it. She doesn’t yell but she knocks some sense into him and Harry’s heart breaks. She tells him Y/N has barely said two words since she arrived and if he doesn’t act soon, he’s going to lose the two things that are supposed to be most important to him.

So he breaks out his rock records, blasting the music as loud as he can to drown out the screaming voices in his head telling him that he’s lost his wife forever. Oh and he also drinks himself into oblivion. Again.

On Wednesday afternoon he’s hungover and slightly delirious. And so naturally, he texts her.

Harry: Y/N I’m so sorry my love. I hope you and Elle are ok at mum’s. She told me you were there. I know you might not be ready but I’m here when you want to talk. I’ll be home for the rest of the week love. Come over when you’re ready.

He waits by the phone like a lovesick teenager for 20 minutes, almost falling off the bed when the status of the text changes from delivered to read. He waits for another 20 minutes willing for the three dots to appear and when they don’t, he turns the music back on, quieter this time, ignores the pounding in his head and closes his eyes.

He sleeps the rest of the day away, waking around noon on Thursday, his heart jumping out of his chest when he sees a new message notification. He sighs dejectedly when he realises it’s not Y/N, his eyes widening as he realises the text is from Kendall.

Kendall: We need to talk H. I’m so sorry about the articles. I’m on my way over, hope you’re home.

Harry rubs his faces tiredly before forcing himself out of bed. Kendall is the last person he wants to see right now but he knows there isn’t any point in telling her not to come if she’s on her way.

So he cleans (barely), shaves and showers, in an effort to make it seem like he hasn’t been living on his couch and off takeout for the past few days.

There’s a knock at the door and Harry drags his feet over to the front door.

“Hi…” The woman at the door speaks in an almost whisper, timidly shifting from foot to foot.

Harry thinks his mind is playing a sick joke on him. 4 days of drinking his life away and he’s suddenly seeing visions. But the woman in front of him doesn’t seem to disappear no matter how many times he blinks and so he comes to the conclusion that she must be real.

“Y/N? I... What are you doing here?” Is all he can think to say. As soon as the words are out of his mouth he regrets them. He winces as his wife’s face contorts into a look of hurt and slight annoyance.

“What am I doing here? In my house? Good god Harry I left for space, I didn’t move out. Can I come in or are we going to keep having this conversation in the doorway?”

“I didn’t mean- Of course come in love. I just didn’t expect to see you so soon.” He steps aside to let her through and follows her as she walks to the couch and takes a seat. He sits beside her and the silence is loud.

“So…” Y/N begins, shooting a tentative look at Harry who’s looking at her intently.

“How’s Elle? I miss my little bug. I’ve missed you both.”

“She’s good. Loved the extra grandma time the last few days. I’ve missed you too H. But we need to figure this out before we keep going. I don’t know how many more chances I can give, I don’t know how many nights I can stay up waiting, hoping for you to call. I shouldn’t have to hope you’ll call, you’re my husband you should want to call.” Y/N sighs, wiping her hand over her face quickly to stop the tears from falling. Harry intertwines their fingers squeezing her hand in his. He does it twice more and Y/N gives him a watery smile. It was something they used to do when they were first married; whenever they were in public they would squeeze each others hands three times.

I. Love. You.

He lifts her hand to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to it.

“Y/N, I fucked up. Multiple times. I haven’t been there for you and I wish I could tell you that it’s simply because work was mental but I was overwhelmed and so I looked for distractions. It’s no excuse I know that. But I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone and sometimes I wish I didn’t love you so much because I need you like oxygen. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’ve been an idiot to take you for granted. I’m going to be home by 5 every day from now on I promise. We’re going to have dinner together every night. We’re going to get a nanny so that you and I can go on dates like we used to. I’m going to-“

“Slow down cowboy.” Y/N grins. A bright smile that reaches all the way to her eyes.

“We’re going to be ok?” It’s supposed to be a statement but it sounds more like a question when it comes out of Y/N’s mouth.

“We’re going to be ok.” Harry affirms. He leans in to kiss her, pulling back at the sound of the door opening.

“Harry? You home? The door was unlocked so I just came in. Oh! Y/N, hi.” Kendall’s stilettos click against the wooden floor as she walks into the living room, taking in the couple sitting on the couch.

“I just wanted to come by to-”

Y/N cuts her off.

“Did you invite her over here Harry? Is that why you were so surprised when I got here? For fucks sakes.” She looks heartbroken.

Harry is silent. It isn’t what it looks like. He knows that, Kendall knows that. Y/N… doesn’t know that. It seems he’s silent for too long because Y/N is suddenly standing and grabbing her bag off the coffee table.

“Kendall, get out. Y/N let me explain. Please love, after all we talked about you have to know I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Kendall leaves, muttering a plethora of apologies as Y/N stares at him with red rimmed eyes, her bag gripped tightly in her hand as though she’s planning her escape.

“Two minutes Harry. You’ve got two minutes to explain yourself before I walk out this door and this time I won’t be coming back.”

Read Part III here

A/N: Thoughts?! All your comments and reblogs are appreciated I love youuuuu ✨🫶

Tags: @lukesaprince @harryspirate @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @lilyrmason12 @styleslover-1994 @stylesfever @kathb59 @indierockgirrl @bxbyysstuff @gills-lounge @lomlhstyles @opheliaofficial07 @behindmygreyeyes @gem1712 @stylesmoonlight12 @babyiamperfectforyou @harrysrockstarsgf

#harry styles #hslot #love on tour #harrystyles #harry styles au #harry styles fics #harry styles fic #harry styles ceo #harry styles x fem!reader #harry styles angst #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot #one direction #long hair harry #harry styles smut #harry styles x reader #harry styles fluff #harry styles imagine

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a-libra-writes · 1 year

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Op...can you do a romantic headcanon for Mordecai from Lackadaisy please ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ

Yes indeedy ♣️

Reader is GN, pardon the length haha, it got away from me... like ...really got away ............................

I will preface that this would be a ... very slow burn, we're talking the flame is barely there for a long time because that's just how Mordecai Is About Feelings. No, never mind feelings - the trust has to come first, and that's difficult for him. It'll take years, really. You might have an easier time of it if you had a similar upbringing, if you're also Jewish - but that's just slightly easier, and it's not as though he's opening up about himself. It's mostly you talking and being vulnerable first, then he'll begin to volunteer (little bits of) information once he trusts you.

How can you tell he's trusting you? At that point, you've been around him long enough to pick up on Mordecai's mannerisms. He's not as stiff around you, he isn't watching you like you might turn on him, he's calmer and actually talks. You start to pick up what certain glances or gestures mean, when he's relaxed and when someone makes him suspicious. To outsiders, it may seem like you both only tolerate each other.

In fact, you two have something of a secret language with certain looks, gestures, body language and so on. It's especially handy in a gunfight or when you're trying to communicate something across a room. It sort of just came about after years of relying on and trusting each other.

Now, onto the feelings. Mordecai literally blames the feelings on everything but what they are. Was he becoming suspicious of you? No, he trusted you - even if he couldn't say it out loud, he did - perhaps it was a sickness, then? It only alleviated when he was away from you for a long time, but then another awful feeling would replace it, and that only alleviated when you were back. He will pathologize and overthink for literal months (or LONGER if you're a man) before finally conceding that maybe, maybe ... ... it's a crush.

Horrifying. He wants to throw up. Only the thought of the mess he'd have to clean up is keeping him from doing so.

(And obviously he never, ever wants to tell you and figures if he buries it down deep enough it'll just go away)

To anyone at Lackadaisy whose familiar with him, they may notice that he allows you to touch him. It's nothing big at first, and to be fair, he reacted strongly the first few times. You might clean some lint of his coat that he insisted wasn't there, you gently nudge him away from an awkward situation, you softly nudge him and tilt your head to a person you're suspicious of. The first prolonged touch was when you two were utterly exhausted after a run and just leaned against each other in the car, too tired and hurt to move for a while. He didn't say it, but that was probably the closest he'd been to someone in a very, very long time. It almost felt intimate. Thinking back to it made his hair stand on edge for a few days... or a week.

Those who know him may also notice how unusually irritated he gets with men or women "presuming too much" and being too cozy with you. If you're really uncomfortable with the flirting, he'll just outright stand in front of you and dismiss the person with a sharp, green-eyed glare. Mordecai didn't notice he was doing it until Mitzi pointed it out, and he had plenty of excuses ready. Once you both have an "understanding", he's even less tolerant of other people invading your space and being too forward - quite interesting, considering if someone is coming onto him, he's far less aggressive and far more awkward about it.

A lot of being with Mordecai is having to accept that sometimes, you won't hear what you want. Sometimes you have to pay attention to his actions and intentions. Sometimes you won't have a clear idea what he means or wants at all, at least not for a while. Mordecai is aware of his flaws, very aware. More than once he has thought that he isn't deserving of your feelings or the things you do for him.

(you are one of the few people in this cold world who gets the rare Mordecai Approving Smile, but don't say anything! just enjoy! It'll be gone as quick as it came)

The sort of things you do that give him butterflies are as follows: Taking his glasses off the desk, cleaning them and putting them back beside him. Getting into a debate or a discussion-that-turns-into-a-debate, you two getting more and more heated until your faces are two inches apart and you're shoulder-to-shoulder because you're both so invested in the topic. When you're both in close quarters, and your tail or ears accidentally brush against his. When you gesture at something symmetrical with a little smirk on your face. When you bring him warm food while he's working at his desk, something filling and just the right temperature. When you both enter a suspicious place, guns drawn, and you go ahead but glance back with an expression that says with absolute certainty, I trust you.

If you're in physical distress or danger, Mordecai can fix that. He can jump to action and shoot and kill whatever is doing this, and he's confident in that. If it's something emotional, that's the rub, isn't it? He can linger close, he can bring you blankets and food, he can keep others from bothering you, but what else can he do? What can he say? He wasn't good at these kinds of words.

It's these times when he'll touch you first. It'll be a hand on your back after sitting next to you for a long time, listening to you talk about what upset you. If you're in danger, he'll yank you by the arm to safety. He'll sigh, take your hands and show you how to properly hold your gun because why do you keep doing it that way you're going to give him grey hairs this is the best way to handle the recoilsdjsjfjd--

It's not his choice of expressing affection, that's for sure, but that's okay. More often, he finds himself drawn to things that both interest you and could be useful to you. He'll stop by your place with ingredients for a dish you love, he'll "come across" a new coat in your size because your old one got bullet holes. You'll find your guns cleaned and your ammo replenished, you'll notice your apartment has been tidied and dusted. He really appreciates it when you keep your space clean, or at least temporarily for his sake. The first time he was in your apartment for dinner, a spider crawled on him and he FLIPPED. A chair may have been broken. You just took it outside in a cup and continued on like nothing weird happened, even when he insisted on washing the cup like four times.

Also, sometimes Mordecai will associate things so strongly with you that he can't separate them in his mind - a scent, a specific color, a flower, a book, and so on. He might find something that's one or more of those things and keep it with him. Because. Just because. No other reason.

And again! It's so difficult for him to just say and express his feelings for you. It's more likely the two of you will just fall into a sort of odd are-they-or-aren't-they unspoken "understanding", especially if you don't express your feelings and just wait on him. You'll have to make the first step in that direction. Someone would have to torture him to get any serious information about you, especially his feelings. If someone untrustworthy comes asking about you and him, someone prying for a weakness - it's easy for Mordecai to brush off. He can act aloof, or better, callous. He'll say it right in front of you, if that's what keeps you safe. He'll say you're nothing to protect you.

For once, the words come easily, but it's the action he can't do.

It's agonizing the whole time he does it, like dying over and over. Getting beaten and shot was easier than this. Mordecai wants to see you as soon as it's over, even if he has no idea what to say anymore... If you even to see him again. Perhaps he should've expected this is how things would end. You knew what this kind of life would lead to, didn't you? He did. He thought he did.

#This was so enjoyable thank u anon #im so sorry for the ending sdJFDSJFS #i hope i captured him well bc hes such a very very interesting character!#mordecai heller x reader #lackadaisy x reader

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stayfortwominutes · 9 months

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📝 collision | lee know

disclaimers; self doubt, insecurity, petnames. no depictions of the members' personalities, actions or thoughts reflect their true character.

pairing; lee know × reader

content; angst, comfort | word count; 1.1 k

synopsis; love is timing, and lee know is sure he's missed it.

미안해 그냥 내가 잘못했어 (sorry, babe) i'm sorry, i was wrong (sorry, babe) 변명할 생각 없어 다시 한번 i'm not trying to make excuses 그때로 돌아가 날 사랑한다 말해줘 (young love) let's just go back in time so you can tell me you love me once more (young love)

minho stopped in front of the apartment door with his head hung low as a heavy, melancholic sigh escapes him. his last message sent to y/n over fifteen, dreadful hours ago.

y/n: i have some news! minho: is it good or bad? y/n: um, you might not like it... minho: is it something that can wait till i get home? we're about to board. y/n: it's nothing much, you should rest up! minho: you're so understanding, princess. i think i'll pass out. don't wait up for me, see you when i get there. y/n: have a safe flight ♡

a whirlwind of high strung tension, overwhelming responsibilities, and little rest had begun to take it's toll on not just minho, but his relationship with y/n. in the last four months, the couple had seen each other a total of three times in person, with him being in one country one week, then another the next week. video and phone calls had become the norm. his most recent flight having been delayed, resulted in him spending yet another day away from y/n. all these sour happenings plagued minho's mind and the broken record of self doubt spun as he ruminated on one particular thought: could he give y/n the attention, the dedication and the love she deserved?

minho didn't understand her patience and tolerance for his demanding schedule; especially the last minute cancellation of dates, which had him more than often promising he'd make it up to her, only to be consumed by work again.

the slivers of moonlight glimmering through the drawn curtains was the only light source in the apartment. pensively removing his shoes at the entry way, minho promised himself he'd see y/n just for a brief moment, before he'd surrender it all to the fate that he believed was attempting to sever their red string.

wasn't love about timing? and minho had regretably missed so much of it with y/n.

he had missed their three-year anniversary as a couple, and, to rub salt into the wound, his meticulously planned gift arrived a week late. now, as he crouched down beside y/n's slouched figure; her left arm, that was sprawled on the seat acting as a makeshift pillow; had he noticed the bandage adorning the ankle of her outstretched left leg. a handful of thoughts flew through his mind.

was that what she wanted to tell him earlier? why couldn't he have spared her just an extra five minutes? abruptly, the cloud of despair welcomed itself in minho's mind and he couldn't forgive himself for being so selfish, neglecting y/n's needs when he had vowed them to be more important than his own. carefully, he scouped her into his arms, and sat himself on the couch.

for a moment longer, he'd hold her, enjoy the soft scent of her skin, and memorise the plush of her lips; just once more. absentmindedly, he lovingly stroked y/n's cheek.

"mmmh," she stirred. her eye lids, still weighed down by sleep, slowly opened.

"it's okay, princess. i can't stay long. go back to sleep." minho whispered, pressing a light kiss to the girl's cheek.

a whimsical smile danced on her lips, "hmph, i waited to see you. it's been too long. i missed you, bunny." y/n's hand reached up, delicately tucking a lose strand from his fringe behind his ear. she stared up at him, and minho felt himself relax. the entire universe decorated y/n's pupils; the lustrous glint reflecting from her eyes was enchanting. minho's resolve waivered.

"we'll see each other again soon..." he trailed off. minho caught himself reciting his usual excuses. disappointment settled in the pit of his stomach. y/n raised her finger to trace minho's bottom lip, effectively silencing him. the sleep washed away by the swelling joy of a long awaited reunion between the lovers; it burnt through her veins.

"i've missed you."

"let's talk more tomorrow, it's late."

"no, i want to hear how you've been," y/n refuted.

minho averted his eyes, his gaze trailing to the floor. y/n felt a slight tension seeping between them, and she hastily adjusted herself to straddle his lap.

"be careful, your ankl-"

"are you okay? do you feel sick? you've never been so distant. it's unusual."

"i can't take this anymore. we should call it quits..."

y/n's brows furrowed, her eyes trying to catch minho's.

"i can't be here for you like i used to. i want to give you the world, but i couldn't even spare five minutes to hear how you were... i'm an awful boyfriend. i'll only continue to fall short of your expectations, and you'll grow to accept the loneliness rather than realise you're worth more than all the stars in the night sky."

y/n remained silent, biting on her bottom lip as she watched the slow rise and fall of minho's chest.

"are you done?" she mustered after what felt like an eternity.

y/n hands tightly bunched the undersides of minho's collar, as she comanded his gaze.

"have you fallen out of love with me?"

minho profusely shook his head in disagreement. y/n's eyes searched his, an uneasy emptiness clouded by remorse emitted from its depths.

"then please, listen to me." she voiced pleadingly.

the man, brimming with guilt reverted to avoiding her eyes, as his own darted to the floor. removing her right hand from his shirt, she took her index and thumb to his chin.

"you hold yourself hostage to this image of perfectionism, and you mean well, but it's not you. it's not the 'minho' i fell in love with. did i give you the wrong impression, that you weren't enough? because, bunny, i can't walk away from this... when you're all that i need and more."

minho snaked his arms around y/n's waist, pulling her forward and nuzzling his head into her the crook of her neck. y/n's fingers busied themselves tracing soothing patterns against the nape of his neck.

"there you go... you're taking the blame. but how can i continue to do this to you. i love you. but i'm not even brave enough to announce it to the world." minho sighed against y/n's skin. the warmth of his breath further fuelling the smouldering fire alight in her heart.

"how can you love me, if you leave me? you're the one who taught me to love myself... you are my world."

if love was about timing, then y/n was determined establish her own.

consider reading more: masterlist

note; i really enjoy the varying interpretations for collision's lyrics. please let me know if you have any feedback or want a continuation of any of my drabbles. credit to hyunloversclub on twitter for the lyric translations. © stayfortwominutes ; august 08, 2023.

#skz x reader #lee know x reader #lee minho x reader #skz collision #strays kids x reader #kpop imagine #kpop scenario #stray kids angst #skz angst #skz comfort fic #skz angst fic #stray kids fics #stayfortwominutes #lee know x y/n #lee know x you #minho x you #minho x reader

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monpalace · 1 year

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LEGEND

Legend is reasonable, he’d consider, just not when he's presented with (almost) constant questions and concerns regarding his relationship status with his closest friend.

Any question along the lines of “so when’d you two start dating,” are quickly met with a snappy response with little second thought. “I saw you with your significant other not too long ago,” and any further ramblings are quickly put to an end when he sends a withering gaze their way.

At some point, Legend becomes tired of comments regarding his relationship with you. If it weren't for his aversion to dark magic, he’d drown himself in a curse of some sort that stopped any related questions entirely.

He’s never turned down acts of reassurance from your side. Whether they are words of affirmation or acts of affection, he never fails to be less inconvenienced about the event when you intervene.

Legend tends to hold his sharp tongue when you're around. He’s never rude to you, or (sometimes) to the other Links, when you're around because he always wants to be a better version of himself when you're around.

That doesn't mean he's good at biting his tongue.

He’s very much susceptible to rolling his eyes, groaning, and telling someone to shut up with a scoff. Legend might wind it down even further with a “please leave us alone,” or “can you just drop it,” if you don't seem pleased by his responses.

Despite his very obvious annoyance when it comes to misinterpretations of his relationship, Legend is quick to dispel any doubts you may have in your mind.

“Would you rather I tone down on the affection? I—” Absolutely not. You’re the only person he feels comfortable with when it comes to anything tactile; he's so used to it now, he’d rather die than lose it all because of some stupid rumor.

“Maybe we shouldn't share food or drinks anymore. It sends the wrong idea.” Okay? Who cares about an indirect kiss? What even is it? You either kiss or you don't. Besides, you have food that he wants to steal (or, he has food he wants you to try), where's the issue with that? Is sharing not caring?

One way or another, Legend is one of the less tolerant Links when it comes to his platonic relationship being taken the wrong way, only being rivaled by Wind and Four’s Blue.

“My Great Goddesses,” Legend groans under his breath. He folds his hands on the side of his temple, the beginnings of a headache working its way into his mind the longer he (forcibly) hears the group of older women coo over his supposed relationship. “Make them stop.”

A swift kick under the tavern table makes Legend’s complaints come to an end. The sharp glance you sent him reels him back in like a dog on a leash.

“Sorry,” he mutters just barely under his breath.

You laugh quietly, just barely audible over the afternoon rush. “I was trying to tell you to go after them,” you hum in an equally low voice. “I’m honestly a little tired of it too.”

“Seriously?”

“Naturally.”

There's a giddy feeling that fills Legend as he stands. It might have been the slight buzz that came with his drinks, or the more natural feeling that was released when he realized he wouldn't have to be nice anymore, but the feeling is there nevertheless.

“Will you cover my part of the bill if I manage to do it without making them leave?”

“Half.”

“Three-quarters.”

“Twenty-five percent.”

“You don’t love me anymore?”

Taking out your wallet, you shake your head at his antics while putting rupees on the table. “You forget the last time you pulled something like this; but I do love you, yes.”

“I love you too, then,” he hums, pressing a kiss to your cheek with a pat on your arm. “I’ll be sure to pay you back— eventually.”

TWILIGHT

This is not the first time he's been in a situation like this, shockingly. He and Ilia went through this same scenario with the villagers of Ordon, but it's the same twenty people with the same two rumors, so everything was squashed between them rather quickly.

But this isn't Ordon. It’s not the same twenty people; it’s everyone in different eras revolving endlessly.

Yet, Twilight doesn't mind.

Every question and comment is easily passed off with “oh, we’re just friends,” or “oh, no! I don’t see them that way,” with a light laugh.

Tactile responses such as hugs, kisses (to the forehead, cheek, hand, wrist), and hand holding are natural to Twilight. He never oversteps his boundaries (whether they're set or not), so his old habits are always fitted for them.

Being called your boyfriend be damned, Twilight is clingy. He's a wolf at heart, so being around those he considers to be a part of his clan. He gently pulls you out of the way from oncoming carriages with an arm around your waist, rests his chin on your shoulder or head while listening to whatever you’re rambling on about, and presses a kiss on your cheek in greeting and goodbye— but it's still strictly platonic.

Twilight holds more than enough respect to shut down anything like “I bet your wedding will be so beautiful,” and “your children will be the prettiest,” for the both of you. “We already agreed we’d be each other's mate of honor,” and “I already told them they’d be the godparent for my kids if I have any,” are almost always his responses.

Unlike Legend, Twilight genuinely finds it amusing everytime someone gets the wrong idea. He finds it easy to joke about when the person is gone or hours after the fact, but he will stop if he finds you don't find it as funny as him.

If, on the off-chance, you both visit Ordon (assuming you aren't from there), more rumors would pop up once more. Are you another Ilia? How long have you known Link? Do you treat him well, at least? Is that a ring on your finger? Are you wearing his pelt? When's the wedding?

Twilight is quicker to cut those off at the source before they spiral. No, he's known you as a friend for a long while (at least to him) and you’ve just so happened to grow close, he’d like to think you do, it's a family heirloom, and you just wanted to see the appeal in why he wore it all the time— now, please. Stop.

“It’s not funny.”

“It’s not?”

“No..”

“Yeah, alright.”

Twilight hides from the barely cracked door, hands cupped over the lower half of his face to muffle his laughter.

He can understand where the inn owner might have gotten the idea that the two of you were an item.

Upon first entering the establishment, he was pushing himself against you as though you shared the same body (the result of paranoia following a run-in with a particularly strong group of poes). He had insisted you get one room instead of two before you claimed one bed was fine when told there was no room available with two.

He supposes the final nail in the coffin would’ve been when he dropped his wallet on the counter when you started rummaging to get out your own, dragging you up their stairs once the key was dropped into his hand.

Twilight can see the beginnings of your laughter work its way through your body and face as you close the door. The owner’s inconvenienced “try not to be too loud; I’d like to not lose any more customers because of pairs like you,” rattling around in your minds when he stopped by to return Twilight's large pouch.

“It’s still not funny,” you say, trying to steal yourself as you stumble back to the bed. “It— it won’t. It’s mean.”

Denial and the urge to be the bigger person was slowly diminishing within you. It was undeniable.

Twilight joins you on the bed, shifting and ignoring the burning pain from his scrapes as you both become comfortable. The cramping he’d feel during the night was inevitable, but he could withstand it knowing he was right.

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a-cure-for-hysteria · 8 months

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A RANT ABOUT PARTY DRUGS AND PSYCHIATRIC DRUGS

(Expect little cohesion, don’t want to edit this after writing)

Another thing about medicine (both psychiatric and otherwise) is the lies we - collectively - tell ourselves about them. After seeing Dopesick on HBO, even my most conservatives relatives would agree that it’s “such a shame about that girl” and “who’s to say we wouldn’t end up like that with her life”. Basic empathy - finally - but bear with me.

The characters in Dopesick are pretty much fine until they are so tolerant or have been on Oxy so long that no doctor is willing to prescribe more. Then, they’re off to the streets, doing anything they can for oxy, heroin, later fentanyl. The only thing they had in common was some sort of injury happen to them, and a doctor sponsored by Purdue Pharma.

Personally, I have (due to a long list of diagnoses, of which none have been revoked as I got new ones, for some reason) automatically renewed prescriptions in almost all the drug categories. I have amphetamines, cannabinoids, zolpidem, pregabalin and benzodiazepines. If I ask nicely and have a good reason, I get Oxy too - luckily for me, my body has some sort of allergic reaction to opioids, so addiction is unlikely.

However, my cornucopia of legally prescribed substances is a constant, looming threat to my continued well-being, made even more so by the fact that I need them to survive. I just have to NOT go overboard. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes it’s hard.

I’m 30-something now. I live a pretty calm life - child free with cats and a loving partner, somewhere in rural Northern Europe. Before that, I partied hard. I’ve tasted all the substances for fun (and later; out of social necessity) and let me tell you - the effect I get from a rail of amphetamine snorted from a CD cover at 02:47 AM on a Wednesday, at a party (three tweakers in a dirty apartment) I’d never attend sober… that clear, ready feeling, it’s the same as what I get from 60 mg of Vyvanse each morning.

“People with real ADHD don’t get high from their meds!” you might say. Your ignorance is forgiven. There is so much we don’t know about the brain, about ADHD (if it’s even ONE thing and not several, if it’s generic or trauma or both) and let me tell you - me being high on my meds IS what makes me do the dishes. Go to work. Remember how my partner feels before I take all the dinner scraps without asking if they’ve eaten. I am high. I have taken speed at parties and I know. Every day, I know.

There is no inherent difference between the speed you do at a party and the speed your doctor gives you. Sometimes prescribed speed is tied up with lysine, making you wait an hour before it kicks. Sometimes you get BAD speed at parties - levoamphetamine and not dextroamphetamine. Sometimes it’s cut with bad stuff. But - it’s the same. It’s the same it’s the same it’s the same.

I am as addicted as the guy living under the bridge. However, I get to call it meds and everyone is so happy about my go-getter attitude at work, and how I am a valuable asset to the company. My partner rejoices upon learning I now do my half of the chores. My mom says I seem happier, more well-adjusted. A friend tells me she considered just leaving me alone because I never seemed to get my shit together, but now my shit IS together. Nice!

I recently upped my dose from 30 to 2 x 30 mg Vyvanse. No problem - it even says so on the prescription that I can. I’ve been taking out two boxes at the pharmacy every month, but haven’t taken the correct dose since I started. I just didn’t need to, except now and then on stressful days. Now I need 60 mg, and it doesn’t even feel like 30 did in the start. What happens when 60 is no longer enough for me to feel the high that allows me to get anything done? And, am I lying to myself? Would 30 have been fine? I need, need, need the clear, ready feeling. And I need to get shit done. I need people to be happy with me.

Yes, that’s it. I need people to be happy around me. Is there a rehab for that?

#psychiatric medication #adult adhd #adhd memes #adhd things #adhd problems #adhd #audhd #audhd problems #actually audhd #party poison #substance use #psychopharmacology #autism #actually autistic #just adhd things #just autistic things #actually borderline #borderline personality disorder

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jo-harrington · 1 year

Text

Thoughts about Writing and Creating

Earlier today I read an article that really resonated with me and specifically made me think about some things within the corner I exist in within the tumblr fanfiction community.

First an intro: Hi! My name is Jo! I’m a 28 year old professional designer and visual artist, and I write about a silly metal head from the 80’s. I’ve been reading and writing fanfic in some way shape or form since I was 12. (Way before I should have.) There are people who’ve been in fandom longer than I have. And some people who are new to this world.

The thoughts I’m conveying below are mine alone and you may agree or you may not. Me writing this is to get these thoughts out and, hopefully, inspire some peace in my community and impart some lessons on some newer members of fandom. If you disagree with my opinions, please feel free to make your own. Post about them or shoot me a PM and we can have a peaceful discussion.

This post is NOT meant as an open door to hatred. If you come to me looking to fight, or dehumanize me, you will be blocked. I have seen enough in my time on tumblr to know how to protect my peace.

That being said, let’s proceed:

The article (I’ll link it below) was about the new Little Mermaid movie and how this “live action Disney revolution” is just a signifier of how media is recycled and that no idea is a new one. In any creative outlet. And while the article itself delves into the history of the Little Mermaid or mermaids themselves and all of that, the nuance of reference versus inspiration, the final idea was: never stop creating, never stop being inspired, never stop exploring.

How does that pertain to fanfiction though? How does that apply to me?

There’s been a lot of talk recently of “this person copied this idea” or “this is just a ripoff of that.” Enough that it drives people off of tumblr or stops them creating altogether. Makes people think that they’ve done something wrong. Some of this talk is is done by creators themselves, some is done by devoted friends or fans. And it is truly a shame, and I think it’s time that we stop.

This is not saying “plagiarism” or “copy and pasting word for word with a bit of name changing” is ok. No, those things are not ok. And people are allowed to be protective of their creations! Writers and artists put their heart and soul into their work.

But in terms of people’s genuine creativity…we need to be more tolerant of overlap. Whether we create or consume.

I’m currently writing a Freaky Friday Alternate Universe featuring 2 characters from a Netflix show. My story would not exist if these other media sources and inspirations didn’t exist. Does that mean my story should not exist or be told? Does that mean my writing isn’t good? No and no.

I don’t profit from my work. I write for me. For my friends. For you. I have nothing to gain and nothing to lose. And if someone came to me tomorrow and said “hey, I wanted to write another Freaky Friday story,” so long as they didn’t copy my work word for word…well…you know what? I would be happy about it! Welcome it. Encourage them.

How can I tell someone no? Forbid them to try and use my idea—whether they were inspired by it or just…stumbled on it by chance as they got the idea organically themselves? What if they had genuine inspiration and could write this story better? Who, if they’ve never written before, might have just found their first chance to do so?

How could I dare to stop someone from being inspired? When I dared to follow the same inspiration for myself?

Now I know there are a lot more personal or original ideas and fanfictions out there. But at the end of the day, everything had been done in some way shape or form. We are all inspired by something. We have overlapping experiences. (I myself have found a good friend in this community who has life experiences so close to my own it’s frightening.)

There are 8 billion of us on this planet, thinking and imagining. Living. There is no one in a million idea anymore when we are consuming so much diverse media at any given time during the day.

Again, if you’re a creator, you’re allowed to be protective of your creation. But you are not allowed to stunt someone’s inspiration or growth. We are not fighting one another in fandom. We are all in this little corner together. Someone getting a like or a comment doesn’t mean that a like or a comment was taken away from you.

And if you’re a consumer of fanfiction, if you’re here to support a friend or just someone who created something you love…yes, it may be something you look forward to, but you should never hurt someone just because you think they might have “stolen” or “hurt” your writer friends. This is a place for all of us to feel safe.

Consider the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you would want to be treated.

There are no big blogs or small blogs. Notes aren’t important. What is important is kindness and community.

And we should all be welcome here.

Article: There’s No Such Thing as a New Idea

#Jo’s thoughts #About writing #fanfic writer #creative community

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your-new-big-sibling · 6 months

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A list of 30 reasons to stay alive:

To prove yourself to those who doubted you, to look back and realise that they were wrong, and no matter what they said you are still here

To be the person who could have saved you. If there's a chance that you could help someone else, someone who is in your position and doesn't have support, don't you want to stick around for that? To show them that it can and does get better, and that no matter what your situation is you can find happiness for yourself somewhere

Having the satisfaction of knowing that you have done so much more than ever expected of you. Knowing that you have faced more than should ever be asked of a person, and you're still here

Finding the solution to that one problem thats been nagging at you for ages, be it a plot-hole in a show or cutting out a toxic person from your life, just taking that step into a life that is better and healthier and knowing that you figured it out

Decorating your room exactly how you want it and creating that safe space that you always needed but might not always have had

Discovering a new piece of art that resonates so deeply within you it gives you goosebumps

Seeing a cat and having it chirrup and rub it's face on your leg asking for strokes and treats

Watching the sunrise and knowing you made it this far because of you and what you did

Finding a new constellation you'd never seen before

Finding someone who loves you and cares for you and keeps you safe

Standing up against those who made you feel this shitty and finally, finally, being able to say no, you can't hurt me anymore, I am more than the pain you caused me, and being able to walk away from that conversation smiling and feeling good

Telling that person how good they make you feel

Thanking the people that love you and support you

Doing what you love in your free time

Going on holiday to somewhere new

Visiting that shop you've never been in before

Buying that new book or top or film or piece of jewellery

Going on a camping trip with your friends and singing songs around the campfire, feeling safe and relaxed and realising that this was worth it, that you are fucking worth it

Finally feeling comfortable in your own skin, looking at yourself in the mirror and not even liking it but tolerating it and knowing that your body is yours and that it is doing its job because you are still here

Becoming an aunt or uncle to your friends kids and getting to buy them presents and being the cool one that they tell secrets they aren't ready to tell their parents to

Laying in bed and being excited for the next day instead of dreading it

Having hope

Having a dream

Feeling ambitious again

That victorious smile when you finally beat that one level on the game you've been stuck on since you were 13

Hugging a friend or loved one and not wanting to let go because this is what loving and being loved feels like

Feeling your heart so full to bursting with adoration for your life that you created for yourself because you deserve it

Knowing that you are worth it

Knowing that you are loved so so deeply

Learning to love your life again.

I know it's hard right now, believe me I do. There isn't much I can do from behind a screen, but if any one of these keep you going for even another week, another day, another few hours, then it was worth it.

Extra message under the cut.

You are fucking worth it, every bit of it. All of it. You deserve so much more then the cards you were dealt at the start of all of this. I am here, and I love you. You are loved, and so long as there is breath in my body you will continue to be loved because you are worth it.

You just have to hold on a little longer, and eventually it won't hurt as much as it does right now. It might hurt for a while, but you have to trust me.

It gets easier. Or, at the very least, less noticeable.

I love you <3

#tw suicide #advice #reasons to live #positive message #advice time with mars #tw suicidality #positivity

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blessedarethebinarybreakers · 2 years

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As someone who is sympathetic to affirming theology, though still not entirely sure what to believe, and is also a fan of a lot of New Perspective and Paul Within Judaism (Mark D. Nanos for example) stuff and R. Kendall Soulen -- do you know of any Side A/pro-LGBT arguments that do not fall into supersessionism or which argue for it in a non-supersessionist way? I've looked but I've not really been able to find a lot. And it's something which worries me because a lot of the arguments seem to rest on an implicitly supersessionist framing.

Not sure if this makes sense -- thanks in advance for your reply! Have a wonderful day.

Hey there, thanks for the question! Facing and uprooting supersessionism and other forms of antisemitism within Christianity is a huge passion of mine. You might find some stuff related to your search in my #supersessionism tag or my #antisemitism tag.

(For anyone who's reading this and isn't sure what supersessionism is, in a nutshell it's the idea that Christianity supersedes Judaism, that Christ rendered Judaism obsolete, etc.; see my tag linked above for more.

Take the common rebuttal to homophobic Christians who quote Leviticus’ & Deuteronomy’s “a man shall not lie with a man,” etc.: “Yeah well, Leviticus also tells us not to eat shrimp, and a bunch of other nonsense!” That response, which requires mockery of the Torah that is still so vital to Jewish faith today, is antisemitic — as a Jewish person explains here.)

And ugh, it aggravates me to no end when Christians who think ourselves "progressive" and all that commit the same antisemitic bs that much of the Christian Church has committed for millennia now. We need to face our failings, and make things right.

Any argument that relies on antisemitism in order to uplift LGBTQA+ persons doesn't actually uplift us at all — it just makes us complicit. Thankfully, it is possible to affirm LGBTQA+ folk without throwing Jewish folks under the bus!

There is good news to be found in scripture for us! — real good news, news that not only tolerates but celebrates diversity of all sorts, including both diversity of gender & sexuality and diversity of faith.

The God of the oppressed, who responded to the cries of Hagar in the wilderness, of Joseph in prison, of the enslaved Hebrews in Egypt, of the exiles in Babylon, and on and on, is the same God who responds to the cries of oppressed persons today, including Jewish persons experiencing antisemitism and LGBTQA+ persons experiencing queerphobia. Any news that seems to be “good” for one oppressed group only by being bad news for another oppressed group, pits God’s own beloved against one another — and that’s not good news at all.

To me, finding the good news that lifts all oppressed persons up is both harder and easier than rebuttals like “well Leviticus is just ridiculous.” It’s complicated by the need for at least a little critical thinking and understanding of cultural context around the Bible — compared to the ease of throwing the whole “Old Testament” out as, well, “old outdated nonsense” like some arguments do, actually exploring the texts that comprise the Bible takes way longer.

But at the same time, the good news that uplifts all of us is in some ways not so hard to find — it’s the whole Bible’s very foundation, the overarching theme that breathes through scripture and gives it life. For every verse a person can pick out to support their hate, there are hundreds of other commanding love of stranger, delight in diversity, the upturning of the status quo.

For some examples of this good news that’s focused on the LGBTQA+ community and not (I hope) supersessionist, you might wander through my #affirmation tag.

...

This is getting ramble-y lol — time to actually share some LGBTQA+ affirming Christian resources that either lack or explicitly combat supersessionism:

Now, I haven't read every single article over at the Queer Grace Encyclopedia, but the ones I have read seemed fine in this regard, while being a good site to begin with for brief "Affirmation 101" type articles — like this one, which makes the point I made a moment ago about needing to approach the Bible with cultural context in mind.

I also like to think that the two pages of my timeline of gender diversity that deal with scripture avoid supersessionism while exploring God’s good news for trans folk. If you do spot anything icky, I welcome correction.

Another great place to go is the Bible Bash podcast! Each episode explores a biblical passage through a queer lens. One of the co-hosts, Liam Hooper, is himself Jewish. (I will say that eeeevery now and then, I feel like one of the Christian co-hosts or guests will start moving towards what could quickly become supersessionism, but Liam always guides them back.)

Next, check out my post featuring affirming Christian books. I haven't read each of the books listed there in full, but to the best of my knowledge, none of them rely on supersessionist beliefs to make their points. The ones I can vouch for most confidently are:

OtherWise Christian by Chris Paige (this one explicitly confronts & uproots possible antisemitic readings! Chris is awesome; they’re a co-founder of Transfaith Online)

Queerfully & Wonderfully Made

Trans-forming Proclamation

Finally, if you like following people on social media to learn, some Twitter recs:

Lura Groen is one Christian whom I frequently see calling out antisemitism & supersessionism within progressive Christian spaces.

Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg also often tweets out educational information of this kind.

Same with Rabbi Ruti Regan.

#okay i ran out of steam at the end there so. the end!#supersessionism #issues in christianity #resources #long post

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rebelmeg · 3 months

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20 Questions For Writers

I was tagged by the lovely @takadasaiko!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I just finished posting my 238th fic! It's one of my few longer ones, so I've been putting the chapters up one at a time.

Cupcakes and Kisses, a Bucky/Darcy bakery AU, and behold, a moodboard!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

830,043

3. What fandoms do you write for?

MCU almost exclusively, though I did post one Harry Potter fic awhile back, and I've got a couple WIPs for other fandoms that may never get posted.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, and I love doing so! The reader feedback is one of my very favorite parts of fandom, because they get to tell me what they liked, and I get to be super happy about that. Often times a reader will notice something I didn't even put together in my own writing, or they will love a line that I personally thought was amazing, and nothing beats that! It's just a circle of love, and I live for it.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

This one is definitely the saddest, because there is no After.

The Price We Paid, in which Tony activates a Coffin Protocol in the suit, which is exactly what you think, featuring MCD.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I mostly write fluff and shenanigans, so really, you could pick at random and it would probably be a super happy ending.

Though I think I could recommend several from my Iron Family series, since most of those are fix-its.

8. Do you get hate on your fic?

I have once or twice, but that is something I do not tolerate anywhere in my fandom life. I have anon disabled, and I moderate comments, because this is a fun space for me. Fandom is where I go to be excited about these adorable little blorbos with my fandom friends, and hate has no place there. Neither does condescension or meanness, so I have absolutely no problem with deleteing that from my life.

9. Do you write smut?

Wouldn't you like to know.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I don't think I ever have, but I have definitely read it and enjoyed it!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes, actually, @newnewyorker93 and I had a collab fic stolen. Luckily one of our readers spotted it and it was taken down.

I Went to the County Fair and All I Got Was This Alpaca is the fic in question, and it has alpaca-snuggling, so I highly recommend.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I know I've given permission at least once, but I admit I don't recall if it did get translated or not.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Many times, and I love it! Writing is so much easier with a writing buddy! I'm always open to a good collab.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Pepperony. I just... I just love them. I love a lot of ships from a lot of fandoms, but Pepperony is the one that I've been with the most. The most fanfic, the most interaction with other fans, the most feels.

15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Well, I never say never with this kind of thing, really. It often takes me years to finish something, but I have finished a good number of things that did in fact take me years to get from idea to fully formed and written fic.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Definitely dialogue and one-shots. I cannot plot for the life of me, so I largely stick to what I'm good at, and I'm happy there. (This is where co-writing is amazing, because other people can plot when I can't!)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I've done so several times, but it's usually single words or phrases that I've trusted Google Translate for. Which I know can be sketchy, so I try to limit that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The one I'm still writing for, the MCU!

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Definitely can't pick a favorite kid, but I think I do have one that I've reread the most.

Save Another Life (It Will Be Worth It) is a Bruce-flavored remix of How To Save A Life (It Just Might Be Yours), in which the Winter Soldier finishes a mission with baby Tony Stark in tow, and then raises the baby as his own while his conditioning falls apart.

In that fic, there were several cameo appearances by other Avengers as kids, and Bruce was the saddest one. When a couple readers had questions and comments about it, it sparked the remix in which Bruce gets saved too. Made a moodboard for it too!

#ask game #about me #20 questions for writers #fanfic #hyping my own stuff

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thekrows-nest · 1 year

Note

Uh silly question when jealous how would Krow act differently if he does act differently

Would he be a bit more pouty and sulky, possibly more aggressive, does he become more manipulative or is he still as honest as he is? Would he draw away a little bit at first or would he try to push more to even closer (emotionally and physically) to you more often? Does he try to hide the fact that he's jealous or is he very open about? (maybe so open he would tell you outright)

How quickly does he cool down from jealousy or what things would make him cool down faster? Is there a thing he would never forgive or would never feel better about?

Sorry Winn I shoved a tonne of questions in one ask. But yes yes, angry scary krow, my beloved (´；ω；｀)

Ahhh a Blushy ask. Making me put my thinking cap on. Okay here we go.

So it depends on HOW jealous/angry Krow is, but he does tend to act differently (a little or a lot) when he's in A Mood. Say if Dove is talking enthusiastically with someone, and Krow is right there, he'll be a bit sulky and pouty, standing close to them and even bops his head against their shoulder a bit like a cat trying to get your attention and saying (without actually speaking) 'no pay attention to meeee.' This would be his reactions more at a "low" jealousy/anger level. Mid jealousy/anger, he starts acting a little more aggressive. Same situation, he might take your hand, butt into the conversation, a stern expression on his features and asking in a dark tone "W-who is this D-Dove?" and either try to lead you away from the other person, or get whoever Dove is talking to to back off. If confronted about it, he'll get a little antsy, apologize some, saying he got uncomfortable, or that he felt something off about the other person, that he's just trying to look after you. He's still pretty honest, but depending on what you ask, he'll either dodge the question or just flat out not answer. Krow doesn't usually tend to be the manipulative type, that's something more he does if he's out of options. It's pretty obvious when he gets jealous (his eyes literally turning green with envy not withstanding) based purely on his body language, tone of voice, expression and so on. And he'll even tell you he got upset/jealous on whatever the matter was, although he may be a little bashful to admit as such.

As for what can calm him down, physical touch helps a lot (hugging him, taking his hand in your own), words of assurance. For something he wouldn't forgive/feel better about? That's tough. Krow's patience and tolerance for Dove is absurdly high, and he tends to put the blame on OTHER people instead of Dove, even if by all accounts and reasoning it IS Dove's fault. Like even if Dove cheated on him somehow (like kissing someone else), he'd chalk it up to the other person. THEY were the one that lured Dove away from him, THEY were the one that kissed Dove, THEY manipulated Dove. (And regardless, whoever that other person is won't be in the picture much longer...)

But it's also not just a matter of his jealousy, it's also a matter of his... well, for lack of a better term, sanity. A sane and jealous Krow is different from a manic and jealous Krow. And the latter is far more dangerous... But that's something for me to muddle and ponder on for another time.

(and you're just fine Blushy honey bun. I enjoy seeing your asks, even if I don't always get to them bsadkjfdf.)

#winndy talks #about krow #krow asked and answered #the krow's nest #idk how much all of this will be canon or not #there's still so much I am figuring out for this skrunkly bsKDb;d

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circusislife · 11 months

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Palmtree and papyrus

Xoxo

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

Uhhh.... Does ganon count? I mean, he Is Simply and a** in most games, but... In windwaker for example we can see a bit more. He Just wanted something Better for his people and tried to take It in the only way he knew of, by force. He Is cruel an mercyless in oot, but he WAS the king, traditions or not he wouldn't have lasted long if he didn't have his people's loyalty, he must have done something to earn It, right? :)

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with? (Shuffled the playlist where I dump every single Song I even mildly tolerate and hit jackpot) The One that came out Is a female cover of "To the other side" from the musical The greatest show, and let me tell you, I can't listen to or sing It without feeling empowered. I think I discovered It by chance a Little before covid struck, and saved It because I liked the tunes, It had a cool animatic and the voice register was something I could reach if I ever wanted to learn It. Good thing I did, because now it's One of my favorites. It basically describes my emotional development during highschool. At first I Just wanted to be the best of the class, manage to do well and determined to stomp on my Hyperactivity (and personality) to adhere to what I thought was an Ideal student. Was quite the loner, got enough human interactions from passively existing in class and training (yup, circus;)).

"Ain't in a Cage, so I don't Need to take the Key. Oh, damn! Can't you see I'm doing fine? I don't Need the other side!" "If i were mixed up with you I'd be the talk of the Town. Disgraced and disowned, another One of the clowns"

Then covid struck. And with It lockdown. At First It was fine. Bit bored, but otherwise fine. Started to allow myself to become a bit more relaxed about studying even. But then i became restless: I wanted interactions. The only way to do that was WhatsApp, but the screen Is a pretty detached way to comunicate, so , in order to express myself I put a bit more of "hyper" in the texts. It only grew from there. When we were finally allowed back in the classroom I could have put that behind me and tried to adhere once again to the mold, but...

"but you would finally live a little, finally laugh a Little. Just let me give you the freedom to dream and It Will wake you up and cure your aching. Take your walls and start 'em breaking. Now that's a deal that seems worth taking?! But I Guess I'll leave that up to you"

I took that deal. Dignity and embarrassement be damned, they're Just social constructs and anyway, the only one to remember any mishap After two or three weeks would be me. Might as well try to enjoy socialising while I could. And if I became too much... Well, if i bothered someone then they could either tell me, I would tone It Down, or they could suck It up and suffer in silence like idiots. If they wanted someone calm and propper then too bad, I have learned to respect other people's boundaries even when loosening up and that's all I'm willing to concede.

"forget the Cage 'cause we know how to make the key. Oh, damn! Suddenly you're free to fly we're going to the other side"

Turned out for the best. Nobody had a problem with that, if they did they told me before It got too much and I adapted. i couldn't bottle It up any longer, nor did I want to. It was amazing.

"we're going to the other side"

I am still a bit socially awkward, and realizing that I even have social skills Is still a bit of a surprise. But being able to relax more often is well worth the occasional embarrassement. I'm not really an extrovert except for when I'm with people I like and trusth, but I am much less closed off and happier for It. "Take your walls and start 'em breaking" Indeed ;)

#ask #my katnip child! <3 #ask game #...#Looks like the rambling was unlocked! :D #'^^#<3

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trashyswitch · 1 year

Text

An Unexpected Roommate

Chapter 22: Jamie's Rollercoaster of a Day

Jamie gets up like he usually does, and is eager to start the day. But while visiting an old friend, Jamie ends up accidentally finding something important that belongs to Robbie.

Okay...Another chapter, with fluff and hurt/comfort. This fanfic specifically talks about death, loss, and fear of facing fears first hand. This fanfic also talks about mental health issues and low points. So if this subject matter hurts you in any way, you may need to skip this one. Or, you can keep reading it with the warning kept in your head. You've been warned.

I'm dedicating this fanfic chapter (again) to aprilshowers030 on AO3. There is a bit more fluff in this fanfic than the last one. So...hopefully this makes things slightly better to tolerate?

The next morning, Jamie did his usual Saturday morning routine: He woke up at about 6:30am, got dressed, had a light breakfast and headed into his car to go out to town. He was just like an elder, in the regards that he enjoyed driving into town right when the stores opened so he could go shopping for a long while. And depending on the success of the trips, he may even eat out for lunch and continue shopping until about 4:00. While he knew he should be looking for Robbie with Chase and Shawn, he also knew that he could look for Robbie while on the main street. And why not have a bit of fun while you’re doing it?

Jameson started out on the main street, and parked the car in front of the little art store near the beginning of the street. He hopped out of the car and put some reusable cloth bags from the car, into his leather messenger bag. With that, he headed to all the stores on the left side of the street. He took his time in each store, making sure to buy at least one little thing from every store he visited. Most things he did end up needing. But there were occasionally things he wanted too. Things like calligraphy pens from the art store, a pack of scented markers from Staples™, a book from a little book store, a chocolate bar from the convenience store, and a stuffed animal from Just William’s™.

Next on his list, was an antique store owned by the son of an old friend of Jamie’s. Jamie walked into the small store and closed the door behind him. Both opening and closing the door caused an old-fashioned jingle bell to ring above the door. Jamie looked up at the back of the store, and waved to the person in the back.

“Hey, Jameson! How’s things going?” He asked, walking closer to the man.

Jamie smiled and signed his name with pride before hugging the man like he had known him his whole life. Which technically, he really had. Letting go, Jamie backed up a bit and twisted his wrist left and right to tell the man that he was ‘iffy’.

The man’s awkward smile dropped a bit. “What’s bothering you?” The guy asked, patting the top of his shoulder.

Jameson pulled out a printed out photograph of Robbie, Marvin, Chase and himself.

The man dropped his jaw and looked at the photo. “Since when did you adopt a kid?!” He asked. “Or, was it Chase?” The man asked.

Jamie nodded and drew a big, flat circle with his hand. ‘Everyone.’ He signed. Or specifically the word ‘all’.

“Congratulations!” the man reacted, gently pushing his shoulder.

Jamie smiled a bit and placed his fingertips on his chin, before bringing it out to say ‘Thank you’. He brought his hand down to his other hand, making a little slap sound in the process. ‘Good child.’ Jamie admitted.

“What’s his name?” The friend asked.

Jamie signed the boy’s name. ‘R-O-B-B-I-E’.

“Robbie…why does that name sound familiar…” He asked for a moment. He thought for a bit longer, looking around the antique store for a few moments. “Oh well. It’ll come to me eventually.” He replied. “Take your time looking around, JJ. I might even stay open an extra hour if you want to stay.” The guy offered.

Jamie smiled and made a heart with his fingers, before signing something to him. ‘You never fail to amaze me.’

Jamie spent his time looking at the old TV’s, old chairs, old records, Coca Cola collectables, lanterns, plates and Bone China, even old suitcases. In fact, the messenger bag he was wearing, happened to be a previous find from this same antique store. He even looked at the old video games and gaming consoles with or without controllers.

Jamie flipped through the different records in the box. It felt like the collection of records would never end! Despite not coming from much, Jamie was the one in the Egos house that had the most stuff. This was mainly because the boy enjoyed collecting anything he could get his hands on. From cheaper things like old records, plates and magazines, to more expensive things like typewriters, retro telephones and telescopes. He would even collect free things like sea shells and pretty rocks.

He pulled out the Elton John Diamonds album with the 2 vinyls inside. He also pulled out a 50s Jukebox Hits Vol. 1 record album. He smiled and pulled the 50’s Jukebox album completely out of the box and placed it on the table nearby. Then, he put the Elton John album back in, because he already had that one. Then, Jamie pulled out a Christmas with Disney vinyl album, and chuckled silently. He looked at the back of the album and looked at the many classic songs. He remembered some of the old Disney cartoons they made for Christmas over the decades. It was cute, and almost nostalgic. But he put the vinyl back into the box and kept looking through.

Eventually, he came across a Green Day™ American Idiot Vinyl. He raised an eyebrow. This sounded like something that Chase would listen to. He looked at the songs on the back for a moment or two, before putting it back in the collection. He saw a Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 1 vinyl next with only 1 CD holding the album split in half on both sides. He pulled it out, thinking Chase and Jackie may enjoy listening to it with him.

And within the vinyl collection, he randomly found a CD case of the Eagles™ Hotel California album. He smiled a bit as he remembered that band from the 60’s. He remembered one of the first times Hotel California had played on the radio. He had been cruising down the streets of Ireland back then, enjoying the hilly landscape and the many animals. He remembered that there had been a blockade of cows walking the street at the time…That was when the song was announced and started playing. He didn’t really like it at first, but felt too lazy to change the song. But by the second chorus, he started lip syncing the first lyrics of the chorus. It was catchy, and almost comforting when any other person would’ve lost their patience. But thankfully, Jamie was never really one to use road rage. So he just chilled and listened to the radio until the cows went by, and the cars started moving again. Jamie quickly put the CD down on top of his own collection of vinyls. He didn’t care that the CD didn’t belong with the vinyls. He wanted it, and that was that.

Jamie flipped through the rest of the vinyls and didn’t really find anything else worth keeping. So, he moved onto DVD’s. A lot of the DVD’s were from the 2000’s, to 2010’s. But there were a few 1990’s and 1980’s DVD’s there too. Though back in the 80’s, VHS tapes were the go-to movie format. And to the right of the DVD shelf, was the VHS tape shelf. Maybe he would look through the VHS tapes next. But for now, he would look at the DVDs.

He looked at the many movies. Grease, Eddie the Eagle, The Office American TV show collection, Inception, Marley & Me, Paddington, Anastasia, Hot Fuzz, there were so many to choose from! So many, it almost overwhelmed him. There were somewhat interesting movies like Elvis On Tour, The Pianist, Ex Machina, Noah and Titanic, as well as less-interesting DVD’s like Move it or Lose it, Billy Madison, Horton Hears a Who, Martial Arts DVD’s and Evan Almighty. Good or bad, the list of movies never seemed to end.

But Jamie soon found a Charlie Chaplin™ DVD Collection on the shelf. It said “The Charlie Chaplin Collection” with the words “CELEBRATING 100 YEARS OF CHAPLIN” on the left side of the cover. He smiled and opened the collection, revealing there to be several DVD’s in the 1 case. It looked to be 11 DVDs, with 1 of the DVD’s having 3 Charlie Chaplin shorts on it.

“I see you found the Charlie Chaplin DVD. I thought you’d be interested in it.” The man told him. “Actually, I thought you and your friend Shawn would both be interested in this one.” The man added.

Jamie smiled brightly and looked at the man. ‘You are right.’ Jamie signed back. ‘I love Charlie Chaplin.’ He added.

“You know…Ever since I was younger, I always thought you would make a great modern-day Charlie Chaplin.” The man admitted.

Jamie wheezed and doubled over at first. But then he threw his head back and laughed with his hand over his mouth. The man looked almost shocked to see Jamie laughing so hard…and the man slowly grew a smile before crossing his arms. “What? What’s so funny?” The man asked him.

Jamie cleared his throat and wiped a tear from his eye. He signed the man’s name by making the B letter, and drawing the downward bangs on his own forehead with his fingertips. ‘It took you this long to say something.’ Jamie told him.

“Yeah…so?” The man said, begging for clarification.

‘I’m an actor.’ Jamie told him.

“Yeah, I know you act.’ the man replied.

Jamie cleared his throat again. ‘I act in remade silent movies.’ Jamie told him, slowly spelling out the word ‘Silent’.

The man widened his eyes. “Silent…films. You act in silent films…” He started to repeat, before it finally clicked. “Oh my gosh- YOU DO WHAT CHARLIE CHAPLIN USED TO DO!” The man reacted.

‘Yes!’ Jamie replied.

Now it was the man’s turn to burst out laughing! Jamie couldn’t help himself from laughing a bit as well, as the news finally made sense to the man. Jamie covered his mouth with his fist, before finally signing something. ‘It took you this long to realize?’ Jamie asked.

“I just-” He chuckled. “I thought you were…in films with deaf actors or something.” The man mentioned. “Now I know why I was never able to find your work anywhere…I’ve been looking in the wrong genre!” The man declared.

‘Billy…’ Jamie reacted, signing and lip syncing his name at the same time. ‘God dammit…’ Jamie signed, fingerspelling the whole thing before facepalming his own forehead with a laugh.

Billy laughed, knowing exactly what Jamie had just spelled out. Mr. Jackson had done the same thing for decades now, even when Billy himself was little. And as he learned about how to fingerspell and was able to catch onto his fingerspelling really quickly, Billy finally understood what he was saying. He was literally spelling out the words ‘God dammit’. It had even become a quote-on-quote ‘catch phrase’ of Jamie’s whenever he messes up in the studio, messes up in front of his friends, or even when he’s alone.

The boys were soon interrupted by the familiar ring of the jingle bell above the door. A young lady had walked into the antique store with a grocery bag in her hands. “Hello. Are you taking donations?” She asked.

“Ah, hello! And yes, we always are. How can I help you?” Billy asked.

“Well…” She pulled a stuffed animal out of the grocery bag. “Do you take stuffed animal donations?” She asked.

“We certainly do!” Billy replied.

“Well…I found this stuffed dog outside the Costa down the street, and…I can’t read this writing.” She said.

Jamie widened his eyes as he saw the stuffed animal. Was that-

“Let me see here.” Billy looked at the cloth tag on the back leg of the dog, before attempting to sound it out. “R-Ro-”

Jamie quickly waved his hand into Billy’s peripheral vision. When Billy looked at him, Jamie started fingerspelling the name. ‘R-O-B-B-I-E’ Jamie signed.

Billy widened his eyes. He looked down at the writing, and raised his eyebrows. It certainly looked like it could’ve spelled that. “Robbie? Is it Robbie’s?” Billy asked, offering it to Jamie.

Jamie quickly took it from Billy and looked at it carefully. It looked exactly like the stuffed dog Robbie had left with before he ran away. Jamie checked the tag and felt tears well up in his eyes. It was Robbie’s. The reason it was so hard to read it, was because the ink had been smudged really badly from rain or mud.

“Whoa whoa- JJ…” The man walked up to him before turning to look at the lady. “Sorry, this is my friend, Jameson. He…has a kid, and I guess this is his dog?” Billy explained, looking at Jamie.

Jamie nodded. ‘He named the dog Bacon.’ Jamie signed to him.

Billy raised an eyebrow, not really understanding.

Jamie cleared his throat. ‘R-O-B-B-I-E…name…dog…B-A-C-O-N.” Jamie fingerspelled.

Billy nodded his head slowly. “Robbie named this dog after bacon?” Billy asked.

Jamie nodded his head with confidence.

“Okay. So this dog has a name…I guess this stuffed dog has an owner now.” Billy replied.

The woman nodded and smiled. “Okay. Thank you!” She replied. She waved at Jamie in an over exaggerated way. “BYE.” She replied, over-enunciating her mouth.

Jamie blushed a bit. He cleared his throat a bit before waving. “Mm- go-byee.” Jamie actually used his voice this time. It was quite hoarse and barely practiced. But the fact that it was louder than a whisper, was HUGE for him.

Billy widened his eyes and snapped his neck around at Jamie. WHA-”

“Oh! You-” The girl started to say.

Jamie widened his eyes slightly as even he himself couldn’t believe that came out as well as it did. But quickly, Jamie raised his head and attempted to look confident. “Yyyess.” Jamie repeated, his voice still quite hoarse and unusual.

The girl widened her eyes and covered her mouth. “I’m so sorry, I thought-” She looked down, clearly embarrassed. “N-Nevermind. It doesn’t matter. Pleasure meeting you, Jay…JJ. Goodbye.” She replied before leaving the store.

As soon as the door closed, Billy let out a huge exhale and held onto a table for balance. Jamie quickly grabbed under Billy’s armpit and held him up. Billy was covering his mouth with his left hand. “Wha- WHEN-” Billy got up onto his two feet and looked at Jamie. “Okay-” Billy couldn’t even get his words out properly.

Jamie narrowed his eyes as he felt a slight bit of pain from his larynx. He grabbed his throat and stiffened his lips. He cleared his throat in an attempt to get the flem out but-

OH GOD THE PAIN-

Jamie doubled over, dropping the stuffed dog in the process, and started aggressively coughing and holding his throat even tighter this time.

“Oh my god! Hold on.” Billy quickly grabbed a spare water bottle from the cooler in the back. He opened it and gave it to Jamie as quickly as he could without spilling the water. Jamie took the water without a second thought and swallowed it down as quickly as he possibly could.

“Whoa whoa DON’TDRINKSOFAST-”

Jamie interrupted Billy with even more coughing. His coughing quickly turned to wheezing as he doubled over and smacked his own chest to get the water out of his windpipe. Though the cool water felt amazing in his windpipe, the water was also causing him to aggressively cough so it could be brought out of the wrong pipe. Jamie put the water down and took a few moments to take in deep, slow breaths.

“Jesus…That was really you talking.” Billy said with bittersweet sadness. “You…You can talk.” He muttered to himself.

Jamie cleared his throat one more time and winced at the pain it brought on his throat. But he raised his index finger up and signing something to him.

‘Worth it.’

Billy smiled a bit and chuckled a bit with a horrified look on his face. “Man, you have to warn me next time! All these decades I didn’t think you could speak!” Billy reacted. “I assumed it had to do with the scar over your Adam's apple, but…I never wanted to bring it up for fear of hurting you.” Billy admitted.

Jamie sighed and scratched the back of his head. ‘I can’t speak for long. 2 words kill my throat.’ Jamie signed.

“I can tell.” Billy reacted.

Jamie looked down at the stuffed dog, and picked it up. Just looking at the abandoned dog was enough to make Jamie cry again. He hugged the dog tightly and looked up at Billy. ‘I need to go. Now.’ Jamie told him.

“Already? But…it feels like you just got here.” Billy told him. “And you haven’t even explained why you can speak-”

Jamie started backing up. ‘I’m sorry.’ He signed before turning around and running out the door of the store. The last thing he could hear from the store was Billy shouting his name muffled by the loud jingling of the bell.

Jamie started sprinting down the main street to get to his car, while also trying to find Robbie at the same time. He jumped out of the way of people like the spry elder he is, and watched the side of the road as he ran so he could find Robbie. Doing this would help him narrow down the spots he needed to look in for Robbie. Once he reached the car, Jamie hopped in and started it. He put on his seatbelt as he put the car into drive, and started driving down the road.

Looking at both sides of the street was difficult, to say the least. So he started by looking at the road his car was closest to: The left side of the road. He made a mental note to turn around and go to the right side of the street, so he could look for Robbie there. Jamie looked at the stores, hoping and praying to find a little boy with brown hair, dirty clothes and a backpack, walking down that side of the road. He looked and took a general look at every person walking the street at this time a day. Since it was about 9:00, there were only elders and early birds out. And there were not many of them out. This made looking for Robbie significantly easier.

He scanned each person as they walked by his window vision. That person’s hair is too long. That person’s too tall. That person’s too old. That person has a baby carrier. That person is too…dressed in drag to be Robbie. That person is balding. This person is wearing a dress. This other person has a dog on a leash. This little person is…

Jamie slowed down a bit to get a better look at this little kid. He was fitting the description of Robbie. Brown hair, short, has a backpack-

Wait…That backpack has Minecraft™ on it. That’s not Robbie’s backpack. Jamie sped up a bit.

He looked over to the windshield, and noticed he was reaching the end of that street. So, he turned to the right to see if he could find a driveway to turn around in. But as he drove down, he started to notice that this was the same road Chase had taken to get to the park. He drove a couple more houses down and turned the car into the driveway. Then, he put the car into reverse, backed up and turned the car, before putting it into drive again and moving forward. He was looking ahead at the road to the main street, when a flash of red caught his eye-

A backpack!

IT HAS CARS ON IT! IS THIS ROBBIE?!

Jamie parked on the side of the road, right beside the kid. He parked the car, pulled the keys out and sprinted up to the kid on the sidewalk. Jamie turned the kid around and looked at the boy. ‘Robbie-’

He gasped. “JAMIE!” he yelled, backing up for a moment. But as soon as he realized he was safe, the boy ran to him and hugged Jamie as fast as he could. Jamie wrapped his arms around Robbie’s arms and back, and bursted out crying with pure relief.

Oh my gosh he found him!

He actually found him!

“But-” Robbie looked at Jamie with surprise. “How did you find me?!” He asked. “And-”

Jamie knelt down to the kid’s height, and placed both of the tips of his fingers against the sides of his chest to sign the word ‘Backpack’.

Robbie’s shock dropped as he looked at his right backpack strap. He took it off and looked at the design on the backpack. “Oh…” He mumbled.

Jamie got up for a moment and signaled for him to wait ‘one minute’. He walked up to the car, opened it and took the stuffed dog out of the car.

Robbie widened his eyes and covered his mouth when he saw the stuffed dog again. “BACON!” Robbie shouted, grabbing the dog from his hands and hugging it as tightly as he could. Now it was Robbie’s turn to cry with relief. Robbie fell to his knees as he cried, holding the stuffed dog as hard as he could, for fear of losing it again if he let go.

Jamie placed a hand on Robbie’s shoulder as gently as he could. He expected Robbie to gently grab his hand. But he did not expect Robbie to jump into Jamie’s arms and start crying into his stomach.

Jamie held Robbie as best he could in this awkward position. But he didn’t care about how awkward this position was. All he cared about was that Robbie is here in his arms. And Jamie was never letting him leave again. Ever.

Robbie moved his face to the right so he could speak. “I’m starving…and the nights are freezing. I’m sorry for everything I said. I’m sorry for every problem I caused. I’m sorry for existing. I’m sorry for-”

Jamie widened his eyes and squeezed them shut. God…hearing Robbie apologizing for existing, reminded him so much of Chase. Back when Chase was in a much worse place, Chase would break down in front of Jamie and lose every bit of his filter. Every thought that went through his head, would be spoken out loud. And some of Chase’s deepest thoughts would come out. And in Jamie’s head, the worst thing Chase would start doing, is apologizing for everything. From apologies for expressing his emotions, to even apologizing for existing. And to Jamie…that is the hardest thing to hear from a person.

And now here he is, hearing the exact same thing from a little kid.

“I know…It’s impossible to forgive me.” Robbie told him.

Jamie widened his eyes and looked down. ‘No!’ he signed. ‘No no no. You have nothing to apologize for.’ Jamie told him. ‘I am sorry for not finding you until now.’ Jamie admitted. ‘And I am sorry for trying to have fun while you were out here suffering.’ Jamie told him.

Robbie looked down. “You’re still allowed to have fun.” Robbie told him.

Jamie lifted Robbie’s head up a bit. ‘Chase is lost without you. He is suffering too.’ Jamie told him.

“How much?” Robbie asked.

Jamie let out a silent sigh. ‘Everyday he is out looking for you. Him and Shawn.’ Jamie told him. ‘Chase feels like he failed you.’ Jamie told him.

Robbie frowned and looked down. “But…he hasn’t. He hasn’t failed me. I left because of me.’ Robbie told him.

Jamie lowered his eyebrows. He raised his hands. ‘That’s not what I heard.’ Jamie told him. He soon started to quote Robbie’s words using ASL: ‘You loving me is killing you inside. That’s why I’m running away.’ Jamie signed.

Robbie widened his eyes and stared off into the distance. “Oh god-” The boy squeezed his eyes shut and bursted out crying all over again. He sobbed before hiding his face as deep into Jamie’s stomach as he possibly could. It was like he was trying to burrow a hole into Jamie’s stomach so that he could hide and never come out. Jamie attempted to grab under his chin to talk to him more, but was pushed away by Robbie’s hand. Jamie slowly wrapped his arms around his back instead and just held him for a while.

He knew he had to say something. But…he didn’t know what to say. Maybe repeating what Robbie had said, was the worst thing to do in a time like this. Maybe…Maybe he should risk damaging his larynx for one more chance at redemption.

Jamie cleared his throat slightly. “Rrr…” He started. “Rrraaww-” He tried to say.

Robbie’s crying seemed to freeze for a moment. Even his breathing seemed to cease.

Jamie took this as a sign to keep going. “Rraaawwb-eeee. Raaawwbeeee-” Jamie’s voice gave out as he let out a breath and sobbed at the growing pain in his throat. He closed his eyes and whispered a cuss word as he grabbed his throat. He knew not to clear his throat this time, for fear of the pain it would cause him. But every instinct was telling him to cough, hack, or clear his throat anyway.

Jamie opened his eyes slightly as he attempted to endure the pain, but looked up at Robbie with slight surprise. He didn’t even realize the boy had gotten up from his belly. The boy was currently staring at him. Jamie bit his lip and slightly cleared his throat. Though the pain filled his throat a lot, the pain wasn’t as shocking and sudden as the first time. He looked at Robbie with a bit of sadness. “I tried.” Jamie whispered.

“I know…” Robbie said, looking at him. “I know you did. And…That’s really good.” Robbie told him. “But…” Robbie grabbed Jamie’s hand and held it with his own, boney hand. “Please don’t hurt yourself just to make me feel better.” Robbie told him.

Jamie sighed quietly. It…wasn’t the reaction he was looking for, to be completely honest. He was hoping for surprise, or at least a smile. But…it was like Robbie didn’t know how to smile anymore. All those smiles from those last couple months of spending time with Robbie…it was like someone had kicked every smile out of him. They just…didn’t exist anymore.

Jamie looked at Robbie. ‘Do you want to go home?’ Jamie asked.

Robbie looked down, looking quite unsure of what to say. He bit his lip and slowly closed his eyes. ‘What you want and what I want are different.’ Robbie signed to him.

Jamie closed his eyes and hung his head. That told him everything he needed to know. The child was just…not ready to go home. Jamie lifted Robbie’s chin up a bit. ‘What are you afraid of?’ Jamie asked.

Robbie shook his head and looked away. “Like I would ever tell you that. You’re just gonna tell Chase.” Robbie said.

Jamie was taken aback. That…was a very blunt and cold reply that he did not expect from a kid like Robbie. But…it told him what he needed. The kid needed to do a bit more discovering and courage-building. And no matter how much Jamie attempts to convince him, Robbie will not go home until he figures that out.

‘Okay.’ Jamie signed. ‘I understand.’

Robbie picked up Bacon the stuffed dog, and held onto it for a little longer. “I know it’s cold, and I know I’m hungry…but I can’t go home.” Robbie admitted.

Jamie looked at him with a face of sadness, yet understanding.

“I know you, Chase and Shawn want me home…” Robbie admitted.

Jamie raised his hands up and started signing names. ‘Marvin, Jackie and Henrik want you home too.’ Jamie added.

Robbie bit his lip and looked down. “I don’t know what to do.” Robbie admitted.

Jamie let out a breath and opened his own messenger bag. It looked like he still had plenty of cash left. Pulling out the wallet, he began his own little mission: He decided that he was going to use his cash to help Robbie instead of using it on himself. He put the wallet into his own pocket. ‘I will help you.’ Jamie told him.

Robbie looked up at him. “Help me?” Robbie asked.

‘How much food do you have?’ Jamie asked.

Robbie looked away. “...Not much…enough to last me a day, or two more days if I ration my food.” Robbie admitted.

Jamie raised his eyebrows. Oh my god- this boy knew about rationing?! Geez…

Jamie got up. ‘Let’s go shopping.’ Jamie told him. ‘I’ll buy you some food, and whatever you need. You can keep living outside until you feel ready to go home.’ Jamie offered.

Robbie smiled for the first time in 2 days. And though there were tears in his eyes while he smiled, it was still a smile nonetheless. “You’re the best, Jamie.” Robbie told him, rubbing his left eye.

Jamie smiled slightly back at him. Truth was…he knew this was not going to be easy for Jamie to explain to Chase. Chase was likely going to hate him for not taking Robbie home. But…the kid is too stubborn to come home. And unfortunately, you can’t really force a kid to go home. Not in Jamie’s eyes, anyway.

Jamie and Robbie headed into the car, and put their seatbelts on. Jamie started the car, put the car into drive, and drove to the nearest Asda™ store. Jamie helped Robbie pick out foods that didn’t really need to be chilled, and find foods that would last a while for him. They bought granola bars, biscuits, cookies, cans of read-to-eat soup, canned beans, canned veggies, canned fruits, and a couple other things. He bought plastic spoons and plastic forks for him to use, and bought Robbie a container to use as a plate or a bowl. And lastly…Jamie bought a heavier sweater and a blanket for the kid, so he didn’t feel as cold at night.

Once they were in the checkout, they scanned the items and stored some of the lighter food inside Robbie’s bag. Jamie even bought a couple grocery bags to fill the rest of the food with, to make it easier on Robbie. Robbie was even smiling by the end of the trip. “I feel like I could survive for a month on all this food.” He reacted.

Jamie smiled and patted the kid’s back. ‘Now you don’t need to worry about feeling hungry.’ Jamie told him.

Jamie and Robbie carried the stuff into the car. ‘Where do you live?’ Jamie asked the kid.

Robbie looked at Jamie. “In the park.” Robbie replied.

Jamie smiled a bit at that. He wasn’t far from home then. Maybe telling Chase where he is, may help him feel a bit better about the kid being alone. Jamie drove him back to the park and parked the car. ‘Want some help?’ Jamie asked.

Robbie shook his head. “I can do it. But thank you.” Robbie replied politely.

Jamie watched as the kid carried his stuff over to the same tree he had been under since the first day. He watched as Robbie opened and rolled out the blanket, placed the grocery bags down on the blanket, and placed his backpack down. But then, Robbie pulled out a writing book and pencil from his backpack and walked up to the car. “Hold on:” Robbie used the car door to write something in the writing book. It took a bit longer than a few seconds, but Jamie was okay to wait. Robbie looked like he had a lot of writing to do. So, he let the kid write.

When he was finished, Robbie signed his name at the bottom, and ripped out the page. He folded it brochure-style and handed it to Jamie. “I wrote it for Chase, but the others can read it too.” Robbie told him.

Jamie nodded and took it, placing the letter on the dashboard. ‘I will deliver it to him.’ Jamie told him.

“Thank you!” Robbie replied, giving Jamie a short hug before starting to leave the car.

“Ahem…” Jamie cleared his throat to get his attention.

Robbie stopped in his tracks, and turned to face him. “Yes?” Robbie replied.

‘Before I go…’ Jamie scratched his nose before continuing. ‘I need to know: what year did you die?’

Robbie widened his eyes a bit, and counted on his fingers. “4…No, 5 years ago. 5 years ago as of 2 weeks ago.” Robbie replied.

Jamie widened his eyes and thought for a moment. Today was April 5th. That means…Robbie would’ve died on March 22nd.

“So…2018.” Robbie told him.

Jamie nodded. ‘And how old were you?’ Jamie asked.

Robbie bit his lip. “I was eight.” He replied.

Jamie nodded and looked at Robbie with a bittersweet smile. ‘One more question:’ Jamie said. ‘When’s your birthday?” Jamie asked.

“June 21st, 2010.” Robbie replied.

Jamie let out a slow breath. Okay…so his birthday hasn’t gone by yet. He mentally celebrated that little victory…because completely missing his birthday, could’ve been a disaster waiting to happen.

Jamie soon nodded before showing Robbie the sign for ‘I love you’ with his hand.

“I love you too, Jamie. Say hi to Chase for me.” Robbie told him before exiting the car.

Jamie watched as the little boy closed the door and walked to the tree. He wrapped himself up in the blanket before opening up his backpack. When Robbie had pulled out the granola bars, Jamie finally put the car into drive. He left the parking spot and headed back to the house.

When he arrived, Chase seemed to be gone. Jamie could assume that he was up and already looking for Robbie. So, Jamie grabbed the tape from the kitchen, and unfolded the letter. He taped the letter onto Chase’s door before heading back to his room. How Chase was going to react, Jamie didn’t fully know. Perhaps it will be relief, followed by anger. And perhaps…it’ll be relief followed by sadness. All he could do was prepare himself for the upcoming storm. He took his shopping things out of his messenger bag, and chuckled to himself when he realized that he had forgotten to buy the stuff from the antique store. He had left in such a rush, he didn’t even realize until now.

But focusing on Robbie was much more important than focusing on Billy and his antique store. Though…Jamie does still owe Billy an explanation.

But for now, Jamie needed to use his math skills. 5 years ago on March 22…That would make him…

Jamie widened his eyes and sobbed as the tears flowed right out of his eyes and down his cheeks. He knelt down to the ground and started hugging himself and crying heavily. He couldn’t handle the truth that his mental math had given him:

The kid is 12 years old. He’s been an adolescent this whole time.

Not only that, but he’s supposed to be turning 13 in June. He’s supposed to become a teenager in a few months, and he hasn’t grown an inch or even slightly matured. With the health issues Robbie was dealing with, it was already clear: the kid was never going to experience puberty. The kid was never going to experience teenagehood. The kid may never experience true love. He may never experience having a family of his own.

But the worst part in Jamie’s mind…was the thought that he may not have much longer to live…

#robbie the zombie #jameson jackson #reunited #fluff and hurt/comfort #angst #fatherly love #an unexpected roommate

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artsartblog · 8 months

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Not really art, but just an au idea that's been swirling around in my head. The idea comes from the movie/musical The King and I. The au is of JTTW. The King would be Wukong and Anne would be Reader (since I'm thinking of this a reader insert story but I can have Bao shoved in instead lol).

It wouldn't completely follow the story, but key points would still be there like Reader becoming the teacher for Wukong's children (aka all the monkeys on FFM), Reader and Wukong would butt-heads over things because of their stubbornness, Marshal Ma, Marshal Liu, General Beng and General Ba would warn Reader of the ways of their king though it never swayed her from leaving, etc. Though unlike the ending in the movie/play, Wukong and Reader would end up together or at least slowly showing how much they actually like each other. Also Reader wouldn't threaten to leave the mountain, mostly because it's a rather difficult task, but she would threaten to go get lost (though ultimately wouldn't because of the cute little children).

To be completely honest, the song Shall I Tell You What I Think of You? is why I thought of this au idea. I felt like it would in a way fit (not exactly every line, but the whole "I'm free person to do what I please and I will not tolerate how you treat me" kind of vibe).

I'll probably keep swirling around this idea in my head. I do have some things thought out, but I should probably write them out (though I personally want to draw it, but idk... might draw some Bao and Wukong au art of this).

Actually, on a completely separate note. I was thinking about another au idea based on an au I've already seen done with Wukong. It's a Fake Marriage AU, but instead it's like "fake marriage" in quotes lol.

The whole idea is that Bao, still being on the younger side of the celestials in heaven, is kind of alone most of the time because others are usually busy with other things or she just finds them boring (or too much of a stick in the mud). Then, when Wukong is given a position in heaven by her father, Bao decides to become friends with the monkey. She'd be the one who ends up breaking the news to Wukong that his job and title are one of the lowest ones. Of course this doesn't initially go well for the Jade Emperor, but as in JTTW Wukong is given a fake title and eventually given a job over the peach orchards. This would lead to Bao visiting the orchards often because she enjoyed the time spent with Wukong before and considered him a friend. The two get along rather well and spend a lot of time together.

Until one day, Bao finds out her father is looking for a suitor for her to marry. This annoys and frightens her because she doesn't want to marry someone she doesn't know, so she goes to Wukong to ask him to marry her. Which, as anyone would assume, confuses the monkey, but she's quick to explain why. Since Wukong isn't a fan of the Jade Emperor but really enjoys Bao's company, he accepts the offer of being her "fake" husband only for things to go downhill from there.

The Jade Emperor is completely against it, as well as Bao's mother, but Bao won't back down. So after some fighting between parent and child, the Jade Emperor relents and allows the marriage. However, not long after, Wukong finds out (again from Bao, who learned upon it after marrying him) that his title is fake and goes on a rampage. Bao tries to calm Wukong but only gets ignored by him. Buddha arrives and Wukong gets trapped under a mountain (basically everything that happened happens). Bao, distraught at losing her friend and husband, leaves heaven and goes to Wukong's home, Flower Fruit Mountain, and informs his people of what happened and swears to protect them until the return of their king.

Bao doesn't see Wukong for centuries, having dedicated her time to his/their people and kingdom because she felt like she had to protect them until he returned. Until he does return after no longer being a disciple of Tang Sanzang. She's absolutely ecstatic to see him after all these years and is quick to give him a hug (doing her best not to cry). She has a banquet thrown in honor of his return and tells him all about what she's done to protect his home and asks about his journey (mostly if he's finished, since she's heard about it from Guanyin herself).

When she learns that he hasn't finished it, but instead has been banished by his master, Bao is ready to go have a chat with the monk, but Wukong stops her. Instead, he has her stay by his side as he praises her for being a wonderful queen while he was gone. This becomes sort of the first moment Bao realizes that she is truly in love with her "fake" husband (I say fake in quotes since they are actually married, but they never really treat it as a fake marriage). She's also the one that ends up convincing him to go back to the monk Tang Sanzang and complete his journey after Bajie appears to ask him to come back. Wukong doesn't want to leave again, not now that he knows that she's safe and has been acting as queen while he's been gone, but she promises him that she'll still be there when he comes back.

....and that's where I'm going to leave this because I just kept rambling on lol. If you want to hear more about either of these au ideas just drop your questions in my ask box ^w^ as always have a wonderful day and stay creative!

#mod rambles #mod ramblings #au ideas #jttw au ideas #the king and i au #fake marriage au #rambling about my au #silly ideas that popped into my head #ask about my aus #aus based on other things #random au idea #reader insert idea #wukong x reader idea

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jjamjamm · 2 years

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Confessions

Masterlist

Wordcount: 1995

Summary: "Fili w/ quotes: 30. “It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning.” - H.G. Wells, The Time Machine 39. “After all, tomorrow is another day!” - Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind 49. “I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland Feat. Miscommunication, confessions, nearly missed chances (and more than a little bit of wine)" I want to say this was from a Fizzy writing event.

The mountain was filled with roaring laughter, off-tune song, and slurred story telling as the night wore on. To celebrate the new treaty between the elves and the dwarves, Thranduil had sent enough wine to quench the thirst of the entire mountain, for quite some time. Or, so he had thought. What he had anticipated to last a good few months, would surely be gone before the week was up. At least, with the way everyone was putting it back.

You had hardly anticipated the wine to be so potent, and at the end of the night, though you felt alright sitting, you were a bit wobbly on your feet.

You braced yourself against the bar for a moment, trying to get your bearings, before one of your close friends approached you.

“Need a hand?” He offered, the wine had had a gentler affect on him, with his higher tolerance- dwarrow were far more impressive in regards to what they could stomach, and Fili was no exception.

After a moment, you accepted his help, and he told the others he’d be bringing you back to your room.

“Good on you lad,” Bofur slurred, well further into the stash than some of the others, “‘s about time you two got together.”

He got elbowed in the ribs to quiet him down, and your escort shook his head before bringing you to the hall.

You noticed he was a bit unsteady on his feet as well, but what amazed you the most was how level headed you still felt. Normally, you hadn’t the ability to keep your mouth shut, but tonight, you were doing marvelously.

You might have been a bit overconfident in your ability to keep your thoughts to yourself, as you let your mind wander to the blond beside you. He really was handsome, you had noticed that straightaway- but why did he look so amused?

“A couple glasses of wine really loosens that tongue of yours, eh?” He asked, teasing you just a bit, “Can’t say I’m not flattered.”

“You heard that?” You asked, realizing you may not have kept your thoughts completely to yourself after all. Oh boy.

“Don’t be embarrassed.” He beamed as he assured you, “In fact, you can continue, if you’d like. I certainly don’t mind hearing it.”

You shook your head, trying to maintain some level of reason, “If I start talking, I’ll start telling you things you don’t need to know.”

“You can tell me things.” He promised, keeping an eye on you as the two of you started up the stairs, “Here, watch your step now.”

“Oh no you don’t.” You told him, focusing on the stairs, “You just want to see me make an ass of myself.”

He laughed at that, though assured you it wasn’t true, “I’ve just missed you, there’s been so much to get done.”

Your heart fluttered at his confession, “I’ve missed you too.”

By then, you had reached the top of the staircase, and continued along, in silence for a moment.

“You know, railings might be a good investment.” You pointed out, “Tell your uncle that could be his next big project.”

“I will.” He said, before switching the topic, “How have you been? I don’t think I’ve seen you for… What? Nearly two weeks now?”

“Twelve days.” You corrected, having made note of the time. You had stayed in the mountain for a chance to get even closer with him, but now you hardly ever saw him.

“What was that?” He asked, and you realized you must have said more aloud than you had intended.

“Twelve days.” You repeated, feeling your face heat up, and hoping you could blame it on the drink.

“It felt like longer.” He admitted. Had you been more levelheaded, you would’ve made note of his tone- he must’ve heard your earlier comment, but you didn’t pick up on it in your current state.

When you made it back to your room, you almost wished the walk was longer. Soon enough he’d be gone for another two weeks, leaving you to reconsider your choice to stay.

He brought you inside, and you took a seat on the edge of your bed, before looking up at him. What you would do for a chance to let him know how you felt. Now was hardly the right time, you’d be so much less eloquent than you wanted to be. You didn’t want him thinking the wine was the reason you cared so much for him.

He smiled your way, and took your coat, hanging it over the edge of the bed as you kicked your shoes off.

“I’ve really missed you Y/N.” He repeated, brushing your hair behind your ear. You had missed the significance of the action in your current state, and didn’t realize that you had rested your cheek against his hand, before he removed it and sat beside you.

You had fallen head over heels for Fili, and now he was being so considerate and helpful, it really wasn’t helping your case. If you were courting, or even married, then you could’ve leaned over and kissed the living daylights out of him. He was sitting within reach after all…

“We should get married.” You recognized your voice, but wondered where the hell that had come from. Who had authorized you to say such a bold thing, and to a prince of all people? Thanks to the wine, you thought little of it, and just waited for a reaction from him.

He rested his hand on yours for a moment, before patting it gently. He was avoiding your gaze, and you couldn’t quite read his expression, “You don’t really mean that. Let’s get you to bed.”

“I do.” You swore, “I should’ve told you a long time ago, but I never had the guts.”

He locked eyes with you for a moment, looking hopeful that there was a chance for you both. Instead, he just shook his head, moving to busy himself by turning down the sheets for you, “It seems plausible tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning.”

You felt a surge of hope when he had begun, but realized quickly that he was turning you down.

“After all, tomorrow’s another day.” He said, forcing a smile as he looked your way, “Come on now, get some rest.”

Oh, couldn’t help but feel that you had undoubtedly made a terrible fool of yourself, “Fili, I-”

He silenced you as he kissed the top of your head, “When the wine has run its course, we’ll talk again.”

You felt completely and utterly rejected as he left. You climbed into bed, and tried not to feel devastated, but the one who you cared the most for had just declined your affections. All you could hope for, was that you wouldn’t remember come morning.

Fili never returned to the others, instead going off to his own room as well. He was kicking himself for how he handled the situation, he had wanted to let you know how much he cared for you for some time now, but you had built up the courage before him. The worst part was, he hadn’t known how to react to it, and made a mess out of what should’ve been a wonderful night.

He tried to fall asleep, but kept revisiting the conversation, and how your face had fallen when he tried to talk some sense into you. He should’ve handled it better.

After a particularly restless night for the two of you, the wine had left you with a pounding headache. It took most of the morning to clear out, and partway into the afternoon you were finally able to leave your room and get some food.

As you made your way through the halls, you recalled the night before, and suddenly found yourself without an appetite.

“Y/N.” Kili called, catching your attention. His demeanor changed when he saw your expression, “What happened? You looked so happy last night.”

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” You told him. Now that you knew Fili didn’t feel the same, you had no reason to stay in Erebor, you had to go start packing. Though, if Kili was already here, you may as well say your goodbyes, “I’m going to miss you.”

He rose an eyebrow, and as you pulled him into a hug, he patted your back a couple of times, “Why? Are you going somewhere?”

“I’ll probably go to Dale first, figure the rest out from there.” You admitted, pulling back from him, “Maybe I’ll go visit Bilbo.”

“Bilbo? What did Fili do last night?” Kili asked, sounding genuinely worried, “He said something stupid didn’t he?”

“No, Kili, we just want different things.” You said, before admitting, “He doesn’t care for me the same way I do for him.”

Kili was at a loss for words, his brother had droned on and on about his feelings towards you, how he could’ve messed it all up in one night was beyond comprehension.

He tried to convince you to stay, but you wouldn’t listen, and went back to your room. Kili, on the other hand, broke into a sprint to try and catch his brother.

When you were back in your room, you realized you didn’t need very long at all to pack, and decided to wash up first. After you scrubbed yourself clean of any nonsense, you dressed and put your pack together.

You jumped as your door suddenly burst open, to reveal a breathless Fili.

“What are you doing-?” You began to ask, releasing the buckle you were about to clasp shut as he interrupted you.

“You can’t go.” He pleaded, “I’ve be an ass, I know, but please, don’t go.”

You shook your head, not even a little bit sure about the mixed messages he was giving you, “We’re obviously on very different pages here. If you can’t see a future with me, then I have nothing keeping me here.”

“You’re the only one I see a future with.” He said, stepping up to you, “I apologize if I made you think otherwise, but Y/N, I love you.”

You had wanted to hear him say that for so long, but in the back of your mind, you were still worried, “It didn’t seem that way last night.”

“Last night I was a fool.” He said, taking your hand in his, “I was afraid that it was only the wine speaking, and you didn’t truly feel the same. I thought if you still loved me today, then I could tell you.”

“I’ve loved you for months now.” You told him, “If that’s not enough…”

“It is, you are.” He swore, “I was just too blind to see.”

You were skeptical of his sudden change of heart, but decided to give him a chance to defend himself, “You really think I should stay?”

“Yes! Absolutely.” He said, “Y/N please, you mean too much to me for me to just let you leave.”

“If I did stay,” you said hesitantly, not wanting to get your hopes up just yet, “What would we be? I’m not going to stay and be a friend, just to watch you marry some other girl.”

“Never.” He promised, as he cupped your face in his hands. He moved without hesitation, no longer afraid that you may not feel the same, as he pressed his lips to yours. You moved just as quickly, gripping the fabric of his tunic as you savored the moment you had been waiting so long for.

He pulled back for a split second, before pressing short quick kisses to your lips, “I am such a fool.”

“You can be, it’s alright though.” You teased him, “We could’ve been together months ago.”

“The greatest mistake I’ve ever made.” He swore, moving one hand to the back of your neck to deepen the kiss.

#the hobbit #the hobbit x reader #Fili

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