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keen-li · 14 days

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MR RIGHT YOU CAME AT THE WRONG TIME | jjk

18+ MDNI

synopsis: after accidentally switching bags, you end up finding your ways to each other and returning them to each other. But little did you realize that wasn't the last you'd be seeing of him.

song: find me by sigma ft birdy

Jungkook x reader

wc: 12.4k [damn i never thought id write this much before]

genre: strangers to lovers, fluff, smut, angst. (I would say it's kinda a forbidden love, but I don't know you tell me)

warnings: (I don't like writing warnings cause it kind of gives some stuff away, but I feel it's kind of necessary here), so we have cheating, letting a stranger into your home, unfaithfulness, lying, double lives. smut. [I'm kinda lazy at adding warnings but these are the general ideas]

note: if you can't swallow or read the idea of cheating and lying please DON'T READ. Sorry for any typos.

_-_

You tap aggressively on your laptop keyboard; you're trying to get this report done and today seems like the perfect time. You're sat in a café, the sun is setting (making the perfect aesthetic), it's showering a bit outside and you have your favorite sandwich and latte by your side to warm you up. What more can you need.

After an hour you decide you've written enough and you need to get going, plus the cafe's closing soon. So you shut off your laptop and place it into your tote bag. Before you leave you decide to use the bathroom. You leave your tote bag on your seat and carry your little handbag to the bathroom with you.

"Can you watch this for me?" You ask the person who was sat on the other seat of your table, and after they agree you leave to the bathroom.

While you're in the bathroom a man stops to speak to the person who was sat at your table.

"Can you watch this for me?" The young man asks and they nod in agreement.

He places his tote bag right next to yours, in too much of a hurry to pay attention to the other tote bag that was sat there that's exactly the same and rushes to the bathroom.

"Yeah I know, i wish you could be here too" you speak rushed through the phone. "no I won't be alone mark's gonna be with me"

The person on the other side continues to nag.

And in a hurry hoping you won't miss the train. So, you grab your tote bag without paying attention. You nod in appreciation to the person who doesn't even have their attention on you.

You quickly rush to the train station and get on a train back home.

Back at the café the young man grabs his bag and heads out too after giving his appreciation.

"I bet they weren't even watching it" He mumbles to himself.

And he's surely right.

"What the fuck, where's my lapto-" you exclaim as you dump out the contents of the bag. You run your hands through the emptied-out contents and pick up an ID card.

"Wait? This isn't even my bag" you come to the realisation. You should've realised that when you weren't met with the sweet flowery smell of your bag when you opened it. But now that you're staring at this ID you realise it's really not your bag. You thought someone stole your laptop but they stole your whole bag.

"Jeon Jungkook? The fuck" you exclaim as you eye his ID. You eye the little picture showing his face, damn.

You chuckle at how handsome he is. You scan through more of his documents and find a permit for a motorcycle, you lift your brows.

"Motorcyclist. Cool" you hum.

You snap out of the thrill of going through jeon Jungkook’s stuff when you realise you don't know how to get back your own stuff back.

You search for any phone number but you find none. You're growing a little frustrated now. He has no information in his bag that can help you locate him. You run your hands over your face and you sigh not knowing what to do. You wanna cry so bad, your laptop is in your bag. Shit, you wanted to complete your report when you got home, you've got to get it done tonight.

What the hell are you gonna d-

Your head snaps up when you hear a knock at your door. You drag your feet to the door and peep through your hole, you can't tell who it is cause they have a helmet on. You didn't order anything so you open the door, curious.

He turns to face you and speaks.

"Y/n?" The man asks, his voice muffled by his helmet.

You stare at him with a confused face.

"Did I order something?"

He mumbles an apology as he takes off his helmet. He brushes his hair back into a more presentable position and you take in his facial features. Time slows down like in the movies as he arranges his hair, he's helping you debunk the theory that all Motorcyclists are unattractive.

You know his face, you've seen him before, somewhere.

"People always think I'm in delivery when I have my helmet on" he chuckles.

"Jungkook?" Your brain clicks where you've seen him from.

He smiles "looks like someone found my ID" he tucks his helmet under his arm.

"I had to. I assume you went through mine if you found where I live"

"You got me there" He raises his hands in surrender. You laugh as you move out of the door way.

"Wanna come in and do a formal exchange?"

"Yeah sure"

Jungkook walks in and can't help his eyes from wondering. Your apartment is nothing too exciting, it's boring he thinks. But it's not like his is any better, if you stare closer into his apartment you'd find some unpacked boxes that he hasn't bothered to unbox and just stares at since he moved in.

But your apartment smells great.

You walk into your kitchen and internally slap yourself.

"Wow, looks like you did more than find my ID" he exclaims as he puts his helmet and your bag on the table.

"I'm so sorry, got a little frustrated" you rush around to pack his things that you left all over your counter back into his bag.

"I can't blame you, had a little fun with your stuff too. I even tried your cherry lip balm. Might get it for myself too" he puckers his lips and you eye him hoping he's joking. You take it as the time to admire his lips and you catch yourself before you're staring for too long.

"Did you really?" You ask sternly.

"If I did would you be mad?" He raises his brow maintaining his comedic and warm personality.

"Well yeah, I barely barely know you" you emphasise. Which is weird that you let him into your house even though you barely know him.

He nods knowing that it would be weird to try a stranger’s lip products.

"Well, I'll have you know that I had my own cherry lip balm"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah why do you think my lips look so good" he sends you a kiss which you dodge and you both laugh at.

"Never thought I'd find a guy who wears lip balm" you walk to your fridge.

"Yeah guys need to start moisturising their lips, makes it easier during kissing"

You ignore he's comment and jungkook thinks he might have over stepped it, which you wouldn't agree to but you wouldn't disagree.

"Do you want something to drink?" You ask staring at` him from your fridge.

"Yeah sure"

You walk over and hand him a beer.

"I almost forgot, I got you this" you knit your eyebrows confused about what he might have forgotten to give you, you don't even know eachother.

You watch him reach into your bag and you stare at him questionably.

You closely monitor as his hand pulls out a little box which you recognise is from a bakery. Your confusion grows even stronger.

He pushes the box to you and you reluctantly take it and open it. It's a little cake slice.

"Why-"

"I saw on your ID that it was your birthday so I thought I'd get you that"

You blush at his kind gesture. You didn't get to celebrate your birthday, you don't care though but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Your sister is in another country while your boyfriend is... you don't even know where he is actually. You were supposed to spend the day together but he bailed and so you decided to spend your night alone and do your report at the café and finish it at home. But you couldn't cause of this inconvenience. You wouldn't call jungkook an inconvenience though, right now he was a making your birthday something memorable.

"Thank you" you smile gently.

"No problem, but were you going to spend your birthday night by yourself?" He asks trying to lighten the mood with his charming tone. "Did you do anything exciting today?"

"I went out with my friends for lunch" you remember.

Jungkook nods.

"But that's not enough, you can't spend your birthday night alone."

You chuckle at his enthusiasm to lighten your mood.

"I'm fine jungkook, this cake is enough for me" you hold the little box closer to you.

"Let's order some food and watch a movie" he pulls out his phone "that would be fun. Would you like that?" He stares waiting for your consent.

"I assume you've got a TV" he pauses to look at you.

"Yeah i do" you chuckle " and I wouldn't mind" You say wondering if it's the right choice to allow a stranger to stay any longer in your house. Jungkook didn't seem like a threat though he seemed quite like comfort to you.

"How did you find my apartment anyways" you ask in-between bites.

"Oh that was easy" he says as he takes his time to chew and swallow.

"Well I got your address from a document in your bag and when I got here all I had to do was say i was a friend of yours and showed them your ID"

You're stunned by the information.

"So they'd just let some random to my apartment"

"I'm not some random" he sounds offended.

"Then what are you, my friend?" You lean in closer to his face to mock him.

"I can be" his voice lowers as he leans in closer to you, also mocking. You stay looking at each other like that. Your eyes fall deep into his and so do his into yours. You pull back from your thoughts when you notice jungkook look at your lips.

"I think we should stay off the beers" you chuckle leaning back into your side of the couch. Jungkook at the other end of the couch leans back too, seemingly agreeing with your statement.

Jungkook stretches his hand to your table to grab his can and emptying it down his throat.

"You know I didn't even notice you had tattoos" you say after sometime gawking at his tattooed arm.

He stretches his hand out and gawks at it too.

"How didn't you notice?"

"To be fair i didn't even notice you had even taken off your jacket" you take a dry swallow as you turn away from his gaze.

"Oh I took it off a while back" he eyes the black t-shirt he has on. "Wanna take a closer look?" he says hoping you say yes.

"Sure, I have a kin eye for art" you say moving closer to jungkook's side of the couch.

"Says the person who has such a boring apartment" he mocks

"You know what I'd loooove to see your apartment" you defend back as you lean your elbows on your couch head.

"I bet you would" the statement comes off a little sensual but you don't mind. You've gotten so comfortable with jungkook so fast, but he makes you feel comfortable more than anyone has. You've never found someone to tease and who can tease back, it's fun to have someone to have a progressive conversation with.

And now that you're staring at jungkook's arm you get to see and know a little more about him.

"Did these hurt?" You ask softly

"Not really. I've got a really high pain tolerance" he states proud of himself. He watches you intently as you eye each ink and drag your finger over them. You seem to forget that you're dragging your finger over his skin which causes him to feel every sensation of your touch.

"You must be great for bdsm" you say harmlessly. You say really random shit when you’re comfortable and slightly buzzed.

Jungkook almost chokes at your forwardness, but he doesn't let you in on his shock.

"Wanna find out?" he says and you choke on the air you suck in, a blush forms on your cheeks and you hope jungkook can't see it. He smiles seeing the effect he's comment has on you. He likes it.

"I'm just joking" he flicks your chin trying to establish he's playfulness. You’re disappointed cause you'd really like to find out, and you're not sure if he really meant it or he was seriously joking.

Being drunk around a hot man is not the best for you.

"You're sad?" You widen your eyes at his statement.

"What?" He lifts your chin to look at him. You're close enough at this point that if jungkook moved slightly your lips would meet. You're okay with it though, you're comfortable with this , you're comfortable with him.

You’re actually really hoping he kisses you.

"Why are you sad?" His voice is low as his eyes stare deep into yours, you can't seem to turn away from his gaze. You don't want to lose the feeling, the feeling of being pulled into an unexpected moment of bliss.

"I-im not sad" you fumble around your words a little nervous now that he's speaking.

"Well you look like it" He scoots closer to you and places a hand in your thigh. He watches for your reaction and when you don't protest he cups your cheek.

"Want me to take you on a ride on my motorbike?"

"So that what? I die on my birthday?"

"You wouldn't die if you're on my bike" you scoff at him "do you think I'd let you?"

"I don't know would you?" You trace you hands through his hair.

"I wouldn't. You'd be safe with me" his words make your heart flutter.

Jungkook's eyes lower to your lips and before you can make any comment his lips are on yours.

He takes it slow giving you a chance to say no if that's what you want, but you don't instead you tug on his neck pulling him closer to you.

You should've pulled away and said no, i have a boyfriend but you didn't, you don't.

You don't want to stop, you don't want this to stop.

You don't.

He doesn't.

And by the way he's pulling you onto his lap goes to show how he really doesn't want to stop.

You want to keep this feeling forever.

You never want the feeling of his hot, wet mouth on your neck to stop. You don't want the way his large hands roam your ass to stop.

And he doesn't want the way you grunt and moan into his mouth to stop, he doesn't want the feeling of you tugging on his hair ever stop.

Some people would condemn you to why you're making out with a stranger on your couch, and to those people this is no better than a one night stand from a club.

"Fuck" he groans into your mouth and you halt your hips.

"What?" you scan his face for any un-comfortability.

"Nothing , it just feels good" he tugs at your hips to keep going and you do.

Your mouths meet again and jungkook sucks you into him once more. You forget any rational thought. All the rational thoughts you should be thinking of like; what about my boyfriend, I have a boyfriend, are far lost in the bliss.

It's one thing that your doing this while you have a boyfriend but it's another thing to drag jungkook into this. You need to tell him, he doesn't deserve this.

But you can't.

You can't tell him. You don't want him to look at you like a bad person (but you'll be one if you keep going anyways)

You don't want to ruin this new found friendship, this new found comfort.

You can't let this go but you can't drag jungkook in too.

"Wait"- you say placing your hands on his chest and he stops worried.

"What? What's wrong? Did I-"

You shake your head.

"No, you've done nothing wrong" you get off his lap "I just can't I'm sorry"

"Don't apologise it's fine" he sits up feeling the uncomfortability from his groin. "Just tell me what's wrong"

You wrap your hands around your torso.

"I just can’t"

"Come here" he says softly to try and comfort you. He tries to take you into his arms but you move away.

"If you wanna stay over you can, cause we're drunk" you try and comfort yourself for your actions. "I'm going to bed."

You walk away and jungkook doesn't say anything, but watch you walk away.

Maybe he’s gotten to comfort himself, he thinks. He’s a strander after all why is he acting like he’s known you for forever.

When you wake up you're gonna kill yourself for letting a stranger sleep in your house, just because what? He makes you feel this new found emotion and comfort.

You wake up with the sun hitting your face. Your feet touch the ground as you walk to the bathroom to wash your face. As you stare into the mirror you remember the events of last night.

Jungkook.

You rush to your living room and obviously he's not there when you get in. But he left you a note.

I think I forgot to give you this....

And a follow up is a set of numbers, which is probably his phone number. You should probably call him to found out if he's okay.

You pick up your phone to call him but you stop.

"What If he's asleep, it's probably too early" you turn on your phone.

"10 am?, damn what the fuck" you must have slept late last night and really knocked out.

You tap in jungkook's number and you walk around nervously as it rings.

Soon enough there's a voice that picks up.

"Hello" the voice speaks and you begin to wonder If it's jungkook, the voice sounds too professional. Maybe jungkook gave you someone else's is number as a joke.

"Jungkook?" You speak nervously.

"Y/n?" He recognises your shakey voice "Are you okay, did you sleep well?" He asks concerned.

"Oh, I'm okay. I was calling to check on you." Your fingers tap against the counter. "You left with saying goodbye"

"I didn't want to to wake you, you looked so peaceful"

So he saw you asleep, you hope you looked atleast presentable.

"Plus I left you my number" he adds.

"Yeah well, what time did you leave?" You bite you lower lip.

"I left quite early, at 5"

"What? did you atleast sober up?"

"Yeah a little" you hear him chuckle.

"A little? Don't tell you didn't let yourself sober up fully" jungkook can feel the lecture coming.

"Y/n I'm fine, I got home safe" he sighs.

"And what if you didn't, jungkook you could've gotten hurt" your tone gets more disciplinary.

"Well I'm fine, but if it makes you feel better I'll never do it again mommy"

You roll your eyes and his snarky joke.

"Well I don't believe you."

Jungkook sighs from behind the phone.

"Well if you don't believe me you can come check for yourself" his tone is low.

"Where are you?"

"I'm at work" he says bluntly.

"Jungkook!" You exclaim. "You were going to work the next day and you let me make you drink"

You hear him laughing.

"I'm good y/n. I handle my alcohol well" you scoff at his cockiness. "Plus I wouldn't have gotten to kiss you if I didn't"

You can feel that feeling in your stomach ignite again.

"About that jungkook I'm sor-"

"I have to go y/n but I'll talk to you later. Bye" he cuts before you can apologise and something in you wants you to believe that he did that on purpose. He doesn't want to hear you apologise.

"You didn't say uno so you gotta pick up" You exclaim, holding you cards for dear life.

"What stupid rule is that" he whines "I'm literally about to win" he continues to whine but instead you grin at him and nod for him to pick up.

"I'm not playing anymore, let's do something else" he drops his cards in defeat. One thing you've learnt about jungkook through these rounds of uno is that he doesn't like to lose and you enjoy beating him.

"Why? Afraid I'll beat you once again" you mock, he rolls his eyes as they watch you pack up the cards.

"No. It's just that I haven't seen you in two weeks, you think of want to spend the rest of the night playing uno"

You chuckle "You mean spend the rest of the night losing"

Jungkook scoffs ready to defend himself like a child. "I would've won if you didn't bring up that stupid rule"

"It's the rules jungkook" you shrug your shoulders.

"A stupid one" he mumbles.

You return to your spot on the floor with folded legs, after placing the box of cards back on the shelf.

"So what do you want to do?" You fold your hands over your chest feeling self conscious about how jungkook now has his focus on you. He notices your little actions and moves his eyes from your body to your eyes to make you feel less awkward. But it only makes your mind race more.

"Lets talk about you, about me. About our favourite things." He moves his legs to get more comfortable. "Get to know each other, you know?"

You let some silence linger as you wonder if it's a good thing to do. Will you be able to go back if you start getting to know him. But to be fair there's no way of going back after you let him into your apartment again.

"So you're telling me that you, y/n? were a pageant princess?" He gasps in disbelief , as he gawks at the picture of you in your pretty pageant gown with a tiara.

"Yeah I was, is it so surprising?"

"Yeah, you were so cute" he looks at you analysing your features "what happened" he furrows his brows.

You swing the photo book and he groans when it meets his skin with a hard smack.

"Ouch, I guess you lost the pretty face to a bad attitude" he says through groans.

"Hey!" You exclaim as you continuously smack him with the book. Jungkook holds your wrists to stop you and when you do stop, he forcibly pulls you closer to him and you almost fall on top of him.

He lowers his voice "Hitting me won't get your beauty back princess" you squint your eyes when he grins.

You move back but jungkook stops you by your waist.

"I hope you know I'm only kidding " you look down at him as his eyes try to convince you. " I happen to think you have retained some of your cuteness from childhood"

"Jungkook if you want to express how beautiful you think I am just do it" you tease.

He smiles "Okay then" he pulls you closer making you sit on his lap. "Well y/n I think you're a very beautiful and stunning"

You shake your head telling him you're not moved.

"Well I'm not done" he grins. " I also think that you've got a really gorgeous smile and I love the why you blush when you do" there’s more he’d want to add but might be crossing a bridge he won’t be able to go back on.

"i don't blush" you turn away from his gaze.

He turns your head back to him with his fingers "well tell that to your burning cheeks" he traces his finger over the apple of your cheek and it makes you want to blush.

You want to open your mouth and defend yourself but jungkook beats you to it.

" if you're about to say how your cheeks aren't burning, I can take you to a mirror right now."

You can't fight back cause you know he's right, you can feel your cheeks burning. You feel It all the time when he looks at you or when his skin touches yours. And also when he has his hands rubbing your ass like right now.

"You look pretty when you blush" he whispers against your lips and before they can meet you push away. He furrows his brows in confusion , you smile to which his confusion grows stronger

"Let's talk about you now" you whisper back.

You've been talking about yourself and you want to hear about what jungkook likes or dislikes , or any of his embarrassing stories. You already know he doesn't like to lose but you wanna know more.

"What do you wanna know?" His tongue grazes over his lower lip as he stares at yours when you speak.

"I wanna know why a guy like you is single"

Jungkook is taken aback by your question. He let's the lump in his throat drop down as you wait for his answer.

You really hope he doesn't turn the question back to you, cause you don't think you'll be able to lie that you're single. You shouldn't even have asked him, you're now regretting bringing the question up. You want to shrug the question away but he speaks before you.

"A guy like me?" He questions " what kind of guy am i" he leans back to hear your reply.

Your mouth releases a little laugh as you reply.

"Uhhh" you suck in a breath between your teeth. Jungkook stares at you encouragingly.

"A guy like you, warm. Approachable" he gives you a look of being unconvinced.

"You're really hot, great personality. There's a lot I want to say but I can't" you whine at being unable to describe him. Jungkook is hard to describe cause he just makes you feel alot you can't fit him into a word.

"Why don't I help you find your words" he moves closer and his hands returns to you hips.

"How?" Your voice lowers.

You're curious.

You watch his eyes lower and his tongue graze over his lips. Your heart beat begins to quicken.

"Tell me how you feel when you see me" you stare at him, lost in his eyes. He pulls you back to earth with a squeeze of your hips and a chuckle.

"Tell me"

"Uhh, I feel... relaxed. Like I'm at peace you know" he nods

"I also fell free and comfortable. I usually don't feel free to tell people things like I tell you" you and jungkook have been texting when you're not around eachother and in those texts you've shared some things that you haven't been able to tell your boyfriend (cause he says he's been busy).

You've shared with jungkook how much work has you stressed and he's been supportive and giving you some solutions. You wish you could express to jungkook how much you wish your boyfriend would pay attention to you and give you his time of day, but you know it'll probably mess things up.

You feel fucked up for feeling peace, joy and comfort in jungkook when you're supposed to feel that from your boyfriend. You just wish your boyfriend would step up and maybe you wouldn't have to look for comfort in another man.

"Now tell me how you feel when I look at you"

You sigh feeling more relaxed to express what you feel.

"I feel seen, I feel noticed and uh" you find it hard to say what you want to.

"You can tell me" his voice softens as he rubs your skin comfortingly.

"I feel wanted" you lower your eyes and watch your fingers that play with each other. Jungkook’s heart pumps and a smile forms on his face. If only you knew how much he thinks about you and how you have him wrapped around your finger. He’s not even sure how it’s possible to feel this way about someone so fast.

"I'm glad you feel that way. I want you to know that I do want you."

You lift your eyes to meet his warm ones that never stop admiring you.

"Cause you make me feel wanted too" he adds and your heart sinks. There's no going back from this. You can't believe you're being this selfish by dragging jungkook into your fucked up life.

"Jungko-"

"Now tell me how you feel when I touch you" you swear his voice has dropped 3 octaves deeper. He moves in closer to you to empathise.

"Tell me how you feel when my hands are on you, when I caress you and when I kiss you" he places a kiss on your jaw. Your body automatically opens up for him to move in.

"Tell me how it makes you feel" his voice vibrates against your skin and you wonder how the fuck you'll be able to open your mouth if it's not to release a moan.

"Y/n" he encourages you to speak.

"it feels good, it feels fucking good" you spit out "it's warm. It feels suffocating in a good way." You pause to catch your breath from his kisses.

"It feels like you mean it, like you want to"

"And I do, I mean it so fucking much and I want to so bad." His mouth moves to yours and he wants to kiss you but he waits.

"Do you want to?"

Fuck.

You don't know what to actually fucking say. You don't want to say no cause you do want it but you can't say yes cause you have a boyfriend who's innocent and jungkook who's innocent too.

You just wish you and jungkook met in different circumstances. You wish you met him earlier. But if you did would it have felt this good.

" jungkook i-" your voice is cut off by jungkook's phone ringing. He stands to pick It up but he doesn't answer. Instead he just sends a text. You have no clue of who he's talking to but you honestly don't need to know.

"Uh, I have to go" he says picking up his stuff. He seems in a little bit of a rush, you wanna ask him why but you need your own excuse to not answer his question.

"Oh okay" you walk him to the door. Your goodbyes are awkward and you don't even know why. Well you know why you're being awkward but you don't know why jungkook's being awkward.

When you lay in bed you think of what jungkook said.

Do you want this.

It's an important choice to make, and even if you ignore it now its going to come up later. It's better if you end it now.

Maybe you should break up with your boyfriend.

Riiing.

Your ringtone startles you a bit as you pick it up. You sigh when you see the caller ID.

"Hey babe"

You watch his face light up at seeing you answer.

"Hii" you try and feign some type of joy. It's not that you're unhappy to see him, it's just that your situation has you detached and thinking. How can you be falling for a guy you haven't known for long, when your boyfriend has been their for two years.

"We're you asleep?"

"No, i was just laying in bed"

"Good. I have a surprise for you" he smiles.

"What?" You sit up so he can have a good view of you.

"I booked us a trip to the island"

"What?"

"I got them for your birthday, but I needed to clear my schedule first, so we couldn't go then"

You feel a lump begin to form in your throat.

"But now we can. I know that I wasn't there for your birthday and I'm sorry. I know getting you flowers and a card isn't a good enough present from your boyfriend."

"Mark it's fine I don't mind" well on your birthday you did mind, but now that you've fucked him over, his fuck-up doesn't feel as bad as yours.

"No no, I should apologise. So take this trip as my apology"

"Do you wanna go?"

This feels like another pressured question again.

If you say yes to one question then you're saying no to the other and you don't think you're ready to answer any question.

"I missed this" mark says nuzzling deeper into your neck. Your hands, like a programmed machine, running through his hair.

" I missed being in your arms" you don't even answer your mind is to clouded with thoughts. You haven't talked to jungkook for the past week. Mainly because you haven't answered his texts or answered his calls. Or even answered the door when he knocked. You thought it would help you make a decision but it hasn't. It only made you confused (and cry a little). Especially for the fact that Mark has now been trying to get back into your good graces (not that you feel that you deserve it anymore) it just makes you even more confused.

"I really want to be a better boyfriend y/n you know?" He lifts himself up. "I really want to be better for you"

"Mark please" you try and stop him, you don't need him saying what he wants to say. It's not gonna help your case.

"I really love you and I want the best for us" he kisses your hands and your chest tightens. You can feel the lump in your throat grow and air slowly leaving your lungs.

" I just really love you " he kisses your hand once more and you break.

"Mark please don't say shit like that" you stand, moving away from the bed. He stares at you confused at the sudden outburst.

"Y/n, what's wron- and mark? What do you keep calling me by name. Are you okay is something wrong"

"Nothing's wrong" your voice shakes.

"No there's something wrong" he narrows his eyes and walks to you but you put your hands out and walk backwards.

"If its about the trip, I understand why you can't go. It was selfish of me to think of my own schedule and not yours too" he comforts you, but there's nothing comforting about it.

" I should have been better with my planning. But we can do something else just within so i can make it up to you."

"You don't have to make it up to me" The tears burn in your line.

" I do babe, I haven't been the best boyfriend, you know"

And you haven't been the best girlfriend too, you've been the worst. You've been the absolute worst.

"No you don't. You're not a bad boyfriend. I'm the bad one" you lower your head and the tears fall. Mark notices and walks to hold you. You don't fight back and just let him hold you as you sob.

" YN you're not a bad girlfriend. You're the best. The best i can ask for and the best I'll ever need" his words pulls at your heart. You hate this so much, you've fucked it for the both of you.

You sob into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be sorry. Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?"

"Jungkook where have you been" a soft feminine voice speaks as he places his bags down.

"Ivy, can i just get some sleep I've been busy"

Ivy follows jungkook to the bedroom.

"Speaking of work. I called in to your job the other day and they told you you haven't been doing overtime" she folds her arms of her chest. "So where have you been if it's not doing overtime"

"I've been working on person projects" he says not bothering to stare at her.

"So you've been inbetween your personal projects legs huh?" She spits and jungkook's jaw locks. He doesn't like to argue with her, nothing ever goes anywhere.

"You know jungkook, you can make your life easier" she walks closer to his now shirtless and towel wrapped body. "If you just marry me, my dad will give you the money and you can be with whatever whore your wanna be with after that." Jungkook's body tenses when she lays her hand on his chest.

"Just marry me kook" her green eyes stare at him deeply.

"I'm not going to marry you ivy and you know it" He pushes her hand away.

"Then why don't you just break up with me!" She snaps.

"How many times have i done that? You won't fucking leave" he runs his hands through his hair frustrated.

Now that ivy thinks that he's seeing someone else, he only hopes she doesn't want to dig deeper and find you.

"Why do you even want me? You can find me other dude who'd be willing to fucking deal with this arrangement, shit"

"Why are you saying this like you weren't in favour of this before"

"I don't love you anymore, get that through that delusional brain of yours" he can feel the vein in his head want to burst.

"You never say that when we fuck"

"We haven't had sex for more than a year"

"Yeah because of you" her voice rises an octave.

"And that's because I don't want anything to do with you"

He walks into the bathroom and she follows.

"Jungkook what happened to us? Mm"

He stills, watching the water run down.

"Maybe it was when you threatened me just so I can marry you" more like when he realised she's crazy.

"But that doesn't change anything "

"It's does for me. You can't do all that crazy delusional shit and expect me to marry you "

He drops his towel and let's the water trial down his skin.

"Maybe you never loved me" jungkook groans listening to her speak.

"Maybe you’re right." He sends a cold glare. "Now can you let me take a shower in peace"

He stands waiting for her to leave and when she does he turns back to his warm water. And with every touch of water all he care to think about is you. He just wants to be in your presence right now to feel some peace. To feel your warm embrace and touch.

To take in your scent that haunts him, to hear your voice say his name and tell him silly stories. He love listening to your mumbles.

But back to reality.

He might have just fucked up, but if ivy finds out who you are she's not gonna let it rest.

"Jungkook what are you doing here" you ask surprised but a little glad.

"Hearing your voice on calls isn't enough for me" he steps closer to you and you let him in.

"I've missed you y/n"

"And I've missed yo-"

"Show me" in a flash you're against the wall and jungkook has you off the ground. "Show me how much you've missed me"

You connect your lips and soon that indescribable feeling is back. That feeling you've been missing and that you've been thinking of everytime when your mind isn't busy with work.

"I've been thinking about you and this ever since the first day I saw you" he lays you down on your bed and places desperate kisses on your neck.

"That must've been very hard for you " you say moving your hands to drop his jacket.

"Very hard" he whispers by your ear and the goosebumps on your skin increase even though the heat in the room is increasing.

Jungkook's hands roam your torso until they find your chest, with your pebbled nipples.

‘’plus you’ve been ignoring me, which just hurts even more’’ he says looking at your face softly.

‘’im sorry,’’ you say but he doesn’t respond.

"but it looks like it's been hard for you too" he mocks you.

"If only you knew"

Even though you were ignoring him, you were dying inside. You couldn’t imgine how much you were hurting and confusing him.

You wonder if it was anything close to you were feeling. You’ve honestly been lying to yourself. And even though it sounds and seems a little selfish, you don’t want to let jungkook go. Missing him hurts.

You greedily capture jungkook's lips, he doesn't fight. He let's you take the lead in the kiss while he takes the lead in getting you undressed.

You hungrily explore each other's warmth. Jungkook's hands leaves hot trails wherever he touches.

Jungkook presses your lips together even harder to try and fill in for all the times he's thought about you during all these weeks and the things he'd do.

Even though he doesn't want to, he detaches your lips so that you can catch your breaths. You both breath heavily taking in eachother's heat.

Next thing jungkook's shirt is on the floor and your hands are on his buckle.

"You look so beautiful " he says staring deeply at you. You start to feel a little self conscious and your legs close.

"What? are you getting shy now?" He smirks at you. His hands gripping your thighs to encourage them to open.

"Don't be shy" he hovers over you and places a gentle peck on your lips, to make you comfortable.

He studies your face as the question that's been on his mind rings.

"Do you want to do this?" He asks softly. The question brings you back to the reality you had forgotten for a moment. This bloody question, might cost you your sanity and it has, ever since it was asked. He's probably just asking about the sex part but the look in his eyes makes you feel more like a pledge. A pledge to him, a pledge to yourself and a pledge to something between the two of you. And you don't even know if you're ready to make any pledges.

"I do" you say and jungkook doesn't let your mind think any further when he has his lips on you and has your legs wrapped around him.

You feel the ache between your legs grow stronger and all you want is jungkook. To make you feel like he always does. To remind you that he wants you and you alone.

And to remind you that you want him. You need a reminder. You need reason, cause you think it's going to make you feel less guilty.

Now that that the sounds of moans and groans has died down and you're now cuddled up under your sheets, jungkook finds it has the perfect moment to ask you.

"Why have you been ignoring me?" He continues to rub your back you continue to sink even deeper in him.

It not that he's mad, its more like he's worried. He's just found something he doesn't want to lose, something he never wants to lose and he can't lose it.

"Did I do somethi-"

"No" You cut him off " You didn't do anything. I've just been going through a lot recently"

"Is it that coworker?"

"No, i had him dealt with" you both laugh.

"good" he places a kiss on the top of your head and it makes warmth spread all over your body. You blush really hard.

"Then what is it?"

You stay thinking for while if you should even ask your question.

"How did it end with your ex" you spit out and he just halts his breathing "I assume you have an ex." You look up at him.

"Yeah I do. We just fell out of it. Wasn't meant to be" he simply states. And that begins the saga of having to lie to you.

Jungkook didn't even want to bring anything about exes up hoping he doesn't have to start lying to you. But you've backed into a corner.

"And if we did start to date. Would we also just fall out" you lift yourself off his skin and the cold seeps in.

"Is this what this is about?" He waits for an answer but you don't give. "What my ex and I had can't compare to what we have"

"Which do you prefer? "

Jungkook chuckles as if mocking you for asking such a question.

"You of course. I'd fucking pick you over everything." His hand caresses your cheek. "I'd pick you over everything and anything" he says against your lips.

"I just wanna be sure" You say softly feeling worry and guilt creep in.

"Sure about what?"

"That I'm making the right choice"

Jungkook doesn't say anything he just nods in understanding.

"Get ready" he abruptly stands and picks up his clothes.

You knit your brows "I'm taking you out" he says determined.

"What jungkook its 10 pm"

"Yeah it's still early. Get ready, I'll meet you at the entrance. "

You watch him walk out and you scoff. What the fuck has gotten into him.

You smile.

"Jungkook what the fuck have you got me doing" you say still not over the adrenaline and fear of being on his motorbike.

"Just come with me" he pulls you into a building and has your hand in his every single step as he makes his way. After pressuring him you find out that he's brought you to karaoke bar.

"Jungkook why did you bring me here you know I can't sing" your legs follow him as he leads you to your karaoke room.

"I know that's why I brought you here"

You walk into the small room and your eyes can't help but look around you've been to a karaoke bar before but it's a little bit different when you're not with a group of screaming girls.

"Here's yours" jungkook hands you a mic. "Wanna go first"

"No you go first you're the one who brought me here"

"Okay. I just want to let you know it'll be an easy decision after the judges hear my voice" he smirks.

You roll your eyes at his cockiness.

You wouldn't pin jungkook as someone to like slow music but you also wouldn't pin him as someone who can sing. Guess there's more you need to know about him.

Jungkook sings out to his love song of choice. He passionately stares at you as he sings every word and you can't help yourself but smile widely. Fenty has nothing on the blush you have on now.

"If you wanted to serenade me you could've done it at home. You didn't have to drag me out into the cold night." You say as jungkook ends his serenade with kissing you on the forehead.

"I'm no basic, boring man sweetheart"

He surely isn't. He takes a seat in the little couch as he watches you sing now.

Unlike him you go for a more upbeat sing about how you're the girl of any man's dream.

After doing your little dance and pointing at jungkook. Your song comes to an end and you throw yourself on the couch and into jungkook's arms that wrap around you warmly.

"You're definitely the woman of my dreams" he smiles down at you.

"I don't know who the judges are gonna pick now" you brush your nose against his.

"I don't know about them but I'd pick you" his hand moves to your hip.

"That's the only reasonable answer" you lean closer into him.

"Mhm" he closes in and your lips touch. You relish in the warm feeling and the hot touch he has on your skin.

You're too focused on eachother's mouths that you don't see the couple that notices you through the clear door.

"Is that jungkook?" The guy asks with furrowed brows. He eyes jungkook's tattoos a little longer.

"You know him?" His girlfriend asks.

"Yeah but who's the girl that with him? Cause that's not ivy"

And as if on cue you and Jungkook separate and your face comes into view.

"Y/n? What the heck is she doing here." His girlfriend exclaims this time.

" you know her ?" He stares at her.

" Yeah she's my friend and that's not her boyfriend."

Her hand goes to the handle but her boyfriend stops her.

"Let me do it." He opens the door and calls out.

"Jungkook?" He calls out.

Jungkook turns to face the door and his heart drops when he sees his friend.

"Fuck" he mumbles " Taehyung what are you doing here?" He stands blocking you from taehyung's sight.

" I came from a date with my girlfriend , then I saw you and wanted to say hi to you and ivy. But I can see a whole lot of you and not a whole lot of ivy. what's going on bro?" He whispers.

Taehyung glances over you once.

"Can we talk outside?" He lightly pushes out the door. That's when your friend walks in.

You sat awkwardly on the chair as you wait for jungkook to finish talking with his friend. Even though you don't know what him and his friend are talking about you know that something is definitely not okay, and that feeling of guilt starts to bubble inside of you. Your face falls and heart drops to your ass when you see your friend walk into the room.

Now you're fucked.

"Y/n what are you doing here?" She laughs more in shock.

"Sana listen to me"

"I'm listening " she takes a seat. "Now tell me the reason why I just found you kissing another guy who's not your boyfriend. or maybe you and Mark broke up tell me, maybe I'm mistaken."

You begin to panic and you know you're gonna stumble on your words soon. You're not scared that she might tell Mark, you're more afraid of the fact that she might start to see you in a different way. And the pressure to tell Mark intensifies . You fucked up you know it and you feel bad for it already.

"It's not like that. Mark and I are still together." She gasps to mock you. " it's just that me and him haven't been good recently and I-"

" you found another guy and cheated." She blunts out.

" it's not that I cheated, well I did cheat but it's not like I went out looking for jungkook. He found me and things just happened I didn't mean for them to happen but I couldn't stop it." You panic the words out.

"Y/n I'm not here to judge you. You're my friend the last thing that I'd want to do is Judge you but as your friend I wanna know what's going on and I want to hold you accountable. Maybe give you some advice help you with your situation" she places a hand on your shoulder "So you can tell me"

You run your hands over your face and groan.

"You know I never meant to actually like jungkook. But I did. And I don't know what to fucking do. I don't wanna hurt mark" you sigh "Plus he's been trying to make up for his wrongs and I feel so bad. I'm the one holding this relationship back now" you frown.

" Yeah I wouldn't say what you're doing is right" she laughs.

"Sana I'm being serious right now" you give her a stern look.

" Okay" her smile falls into seriousness "you aren't holy but Mark isn't any holier. He neglected you."

"But he's making up for it"

"Without first apologising and acknowledging what he's done wrong. Doesn't sound good enough" she leans back in her seat like she's a talk show host digging into the life of a celebrity. Sana has no friendship with mark, she doesn’t care for him. But that doesn’t mean she’s in support of your doings or his.

"I know you're in the wrong but don't let him off the hook so quick"

"But I just feel so bad"

You let silence linger for a little longer.

"Tell me this" She faces you. "Who do you love more? Jungkook or mark"

"Ugh I can't"

"You have to"

"I'm doomed if I do and doomed if I don't. Cause if I tell Mark I've been cheating he won’t want to be with me, and if I tell jungkook I have a boyfriend he won't want to be with me too. And I can't be selfish and lie cause it just hurts me and them both" you sigh ‘’ im scared’’

You take a sip of the beer you had.

"I don't even know how I've been able to keep it a secret. You know i'm such a bad liar" you release a bitter chuckle.

"You just have to take a risk. If you tell the truth and end up alone it's better than living a lie" sana adds. " just have to pick who you want to be with more"

"Argggggh"

She laughs "how good is the D that it has you this confused"

"It's not about his dick" you whine.

"Oh really? So your telling me that his heart and good personality is what makes you come"

You lightly slap her arm in laughter.

"How do you know he made me come" you lower your eyes at her.

She leans in closer to your face.

"I can see it on your face babygirl."

"Fuck this is gonna be so hard to think of. I can't keep running now"

"Jungkook you're cheating on ivy?" Taehyung whispers.

"It's not like that"

" Oh so are you and ivy are broken up?"

"I've tried to break up with her but she won't leave"

"Is that the reason you'll give for cheating?"

Jungkook groans.

"Not It's not. I just feel bad for dragging y/n into this." He runs his hands through his hair. " even though ivy says she doesn't care, she's going to freak out. I just wish she'd just breakup with me"

"I'm a shitty boyfriend why the hell would she want to be with me?" jungkook continues to mumble out, feeling the effect of his actions creeping in.

"Well I wouldn't say you aren't a shitty boyfriend." Jungkook glares at him "but you need to come clean."

"Yeah I do"

" Okay, who do you like more"

"I mean if I loved ivy I wouldn't be here right now. So I guess I like y/n more" he thinks a little longer about his words. "Actually I fucking love y/n more"

"Then there is your answer, now deal with it." Taehyung says. He’e really not the type to stick his nose in jungkook’s relationship but he feels the need to help him with this. He can see the toll that it has on him.

"It's not that easy" he whispers more to himself.

"Y/n" jungkook says before you close the door on him.

"You know I care about you right? Like I really do" you don't know where this is coming from but you understand and you know he's being truthful.

"Yeah I do"

It feels like a slight lift off his shoulders, jungkook just really needs to reassure you that he cares about you. And he hopes that cushions the fall of his lies.

"I just want you to know that. Cause I don't take what we have as a joke or for granted"

" and neither do i" you say holding your door open.

You stand there like two awkward teenagers.

"Have a good night y/n" you watch him want to walk away but your voice calls out and he halts.

"I know tonight didn't end so well" you both agree. The ride back home was quiet and all you could hear were the whispers of the wind, and it telling you to grow a pair.

"But i was wondering if you could stay the night" you hold your breath waiting for his answer. Jungkook's heart leaps for joy, that's a confirmation for him that you don't hate him. But maybe that's because you don't know the full truth yet

He knows it’s probably not going to be a light fall when the time comes.

"I can" he says walking towards you and you open the door to let him in.

"I really never want to lose you" he whispers to you before you shut the door.

"I know this is not better than being on a beach, but it's a good make-up" he says swinging your arms around. "Plus this is where we came for our-"

"Second date" you finish for him.

"Correct, when I made you my girlfriend" you smile when he turns to face you.

Mark is your first relationship that has ever made it past a year. You never thought you were going to end up a together, cause you were friends first, but you ended making official after deciding how much you liked each other and shared the same values.

Before dating you had spend a lot of time just hanging out as friends, but one night he had seemed to be fed up with just being friends and he asked you out. To which you said yes cause if how much he really fit into the box of what you were looking for.

But now that jungkook's come along you aren't sure of what you are really looking for.

You had so many bad experiences that when your relationship with mark hit a year. you began to overthink and wonder if it would end too, which caused a bit of a pull back from you but Mark assured you that he wanted you forever. Next thing you know you've been together for 2 years.

About a month after your 2 year anniversary you began to notice a pull back on mark's end.

It got you worried but you pushed away the thoughts thinking that maybe it was cause he had gotten a job a town away. Which had you two spending less time together.

You actually wanted to end it but he assured you that it was nothing and he was just stressed and that everything will be fine when he finds another job back home or if you move to him.

Moving out of town was a no from you and that caused a huge argument about how inconsiderate you are.

Next thing you know you're going weeks barely speaking to each other, he misses your birthday (bur tries to send a gift) and you meet jungkook.

And all of a sudden after meeting jungkook, Mark starts to care and be a better boyfriend.

Maybe you should've just moved to Mark.

"Let's take a picture" his voice snaps you back to reality.

"Yeah that would be cute" you say enthusiastically.

You snap a few photos with his phone looking like the most happy couple.

"Let me see them" you reach over to take his phone but he pulls back. You stare at him with knitted eyebrows.

"I'll send them to you" he rushes out his words. Instead of digging in deeper, you just nod.

"Let's go before it closes."

The sun is setting and you're sat in a restaurant.

"Today was fun" you smile at Mark who returns the smile.

You feel his warm hand still on yours as he admires your face.

"What?" You question him with a tint of blush on your cheek.

"I'm just thinking of how beautiful you are and how lucky I am to have you" he places a kiss on your hand. You can't help but relish in the feelings of Mark showing you affection again. You missed this, this is what you've been wanting.

But even through this reconciliation you can't help but think about jungkook and compare what you have with him to what you have with Mark.

"I want us to get better. Fall in love again" he says.

"You're saying that like we fell out of love" you say under a chuckle.

"No no that's not what I meant, I just want us to start again" you sit there listening to him as his thump strokes your hand. "Cause I really love you y/n. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you"

Normally the thought of spending the rest of your life with Mark should excite you, should make you happy and be the only thing that you want to do. But with jungkook in the picture you're unsure. Not unsure that there's something to hold on to with jungkook and what you could have (assuming he even wants to be with someone who had a boyfriend all along )

You begin to wonder If I would be worth it to leave Mark for Jungkook, what if jungkook decides to leave after you tell him then you'll end up alone at the end. but you'd have to tell Mark everything if you do decide to start over.

"Do you love me y/n" he asks voice vulnerable and weak.

" Huh?"

"Do you love me?"

You stare at him hoping hoping silence isn't too long to cause suspicion of doubt.

You guess it's time to make a decision.

" I do love you" you spit it. from the lens of a microscope your words carry a fib but you've already said it.

Mark smiles.

"Maybe we should think about you moving with me" his words take you back, moving out of town and in with him will mean a lot. It'll mean you'll have to find work in a new area and you don't know if you wanna go through that.

"If you're worried about a job, I already have something lined up for you" he says like he just read your mind. You wish he could read your mind so that you don’t have to tell him about jungkook yourself.

"What do you say babe?" He holds your hand tighter trying to evoke an answer.

Jungkook furrows his brows confused to why the lights in the apartment are dimed.

As the moves his hand to brighten the lights, ivy's voice stops him.

"Don't turn them on you're gonna destroy the ambience" she chuckles but jungkook doesn't find anything amusing.

"What's going on?" He says sounding tired. And frustrated.

"Why don't you sound happy, look what I did for you" she says maintaining a her bubbly persona.

Her hand wraps around Jungkook’s wrist to pull him to the dinner table.

He sighs when he sees the alignment of decorations and food set up.

"What's this ivy?" He groans

"I prepared dinner for us. So that we can start over."

He puffs out a gush of air. He's honestly tired of this and just wants it to end. He needs to break it to her for the last time.

"I won’t be here long enough for dinner" he says bluntly paying the table that had over and hour's worth of preparation no mind. Jungkook hears her light steps follow him.

"What do you mean" she watches him and gets even more confused when she watches him pull out a suitcase.

"Jungkook? "

"I'm moving out" he wishes he had done it earlier maybe it would've been better. Jungkook doesn't even get the chance to watch her face drop, too occupied with packing. He’ll return later on to collect the rest of his things.

"I found an apartment last week " he says the words stoically.

‘’jungkook, you can’t be serious’’ she begins to panic.

“ivy’’ he says softly and for the first time in a while he stares at her.

“im sorry’’ his words come out as genuine as ever. Even though things may have changed between the two of them, he still remember the love they had in the beginning and the girl she was before.

‘’kook what about us, we’ve been together since high school’’ tears fill her lines.

‘’I know, but maybe it’s time to move on.’’ He sighs ‘’I don’t wanna hurt you’’

She sniffles, ‘’well, do you hate me?’’

He shakes his head ‘’I don’t hate you, I never have’’

‘’I just don’t think we’re good for each other.’’

She places her hands on his chest in plea.

‘’kook I love you’’

He wraps his hands around her wrists to move them.

‘’I know, but I don’t think we’re good for each other’’

‘’we can start again.’’ She rushes her words out.

‘’you’re gonna be okay ivy’’ he walks past her.

It makes his heart hurt a little to do this but he knows its for the best. He always thought he’d end up with her forever.

Fell in love in high school and thought they were soulmates. But the world showed him otherwise.

Ivy began to change, got a little reckless and obsessed. Jungkook stayed thinking she would changed.

He noticed how she just got paranoid about thinking jungkook was cheating, when he wasn’t at that time. She got a little overbearing but he stayed for whatever stupid reason.

‘’I’ll call you when a get on the uber’’ you speak into the phone.

You haven’t spoken to jungkook in a while. He never called you. So you assumed he must’ve forgotten about you.

After thinking long and hard about it. You sent him a text about how you don’t think you could continue what you had and how sorry you are.

It hurt you to send that message but you had to. You couldn’t give up your life for someone you had just met.

Even though you haven’t told mark about it, you assume it would be alright as long you end it with jungkook.

He never responded so you assume he got the message. His lack of respond make sit easier for you to leave but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt your feelings.

You wonder how things went from zero to hundred and back to zero in a second.

But it’s reality, it’s not a fantasy where jungkook and you would end you together forever.

It was fun while it lasted.

When jungkook got your message, he couldn’t respond cause that’s not where he wanted to have this conversation. He wanted you talk to face to face to see if you’re really being serious.

He doubts though, you can’t just change overnight.

He hasn’t texted you in some time but you also haven’t called or texted him too. So he assumed you needed some time.

He had to settle down and figure out how he was going to tell you and fix all this.

He knows he’s been looking at this situation with rose coloured glasses on, but that doesn’t make what you have any less true.

You could work through it right?

Reading the text hurts jungkook every time, it confuses him too.

But he’s not going to let this go just like that.

‘’hold on’’ you call out when you her a knock at the door.

Your hand turns the nob and when the door open your heart sinks that you almost close the door.

‘’yn’’

He soft voice speaks and your heart breaks.

‘’jungkook’’

He watches the way you avoid eye contact.

‘’can I come in?’’

‘’I’m busy I have somewhere to go’’ you say trying to get him to go.

‘’yn please can we just talk’’

You sigh after your internal battle. You open the door to let him in.

When jungkook walks into your room he eyes the packed bags you have laid out, looks like you’re moving.

That explains why you’re dressed like you’re about to leave.

‘’you’re moving?’’ he asks but doesn’t stare at you.

You don’t answer but you feel how distant you from him. Peace is far from you right now.

‘’with who? Your boyfriend?’’ jungkook didn’t mean to say it but he did. He’s frustrated and a little angry.

‘’what?’’

You’re taken aback by his words and your heart begins to race.

‘’w-what are you talking about’’

‘’I know yn’’ he says softly and unmoved. His fingers in his pocket tap away.

‘’what do you know’’ you sound like an idiot right now.

Jungkook chuckles.

‘’I know’’ he says sounding a little shameful. His words confirming your thought and you sigh rubbing your head.

He walks around your counter and leans elbows against the surface.

His eyes on you feel heavy and they add pressure to your chest. You can’t tell what he’s thinking or feeling which makes it even worse.

Is he mad and came here you tell you off, or does he not mind. That’s not possible he definitely feels some type of way about it.

‘’I don’t care yn’’ he runs his hands over his face.

You don’t register his words before you speak.

‘’how? When did you find out’’ you lower your eyes to the ground and rub you hands over you arms feeling a wave of cold air wash over you. You feel embarrassed.

You feel like puking like the world is closing in.

It’s worse than how you felt when sana found out. You feel like a heavy weight crush over you. The pressure on your shoulders increase.

Jungkook doesn’t answer your question but his mind goes to the birthday card he found in you bag the first day you guys met.

‘’this isn’t how I wanted to tell you’’ you avoid his eye contact. ‘’I was going to tell going to tell you I swear’’ your voice wobbles as the lump in your throat enlarges.

Jungkook nibbles at his bottom lip. He knows by your reaction you probably didn’t hear what he said but he can’t help but feel a lump of his own form in his throat.

He walks over to you and you feel his warm arms wrap around you.

You’re confused to why he would even want to hug you right now, he should be mad. He should be pushing you away and telling how much he’s disappointed and doesn’t want to be with you.

Telling you how much you aren’t the girl he thought you were.

He should be mad, but the hand rubbing your cheek and wiping away a tear says otherwise.

He uses the hand on you cheek to lift your face. You watch his eyes stare into you. They’re soft and gentle, like he’s not mad. His thump rubs your cheek and your body unconsciously moves into his.

His other free hand moves to your lower back and pulls you in.

Your thoughts forgotten in second, you loved how he always was able to make you forget everything else.

‘’its okay’’ he says and you finally register his words. ‘’I don’t ‘’

‘’you don’t?’’ you ask voice, weak and soft.

‘’I don’t baby’’ he whispers softly against your lips.

You want to ask him why, but you can’t. especially when his lips are grazing yours. You feel that warm and familiar feeling of his lips as they peck yours slowly and passionately.

You close your eyes feeling the moment sink in.

Feeling his lips sink in.

You tilt your head to allow a better angle for him.

His lips hungrily interlock with yours. body pulling in deeper until it impossible but you don’t pull back.

you don’t want to.

but even if jungkook doesn’t care, you can’t let this go on. You’ve already agreed to restart with mark and you can’t let that go.

Its’s better for jungkook anyways.

And since it’s your last kiss with him you wanna feel every last taste of him. Every feel of his lip ring grazing your skin.

Your hands find their way to Jungkook’s neck and into his hair. You pull him even closer as your tongues graze each other’s mouth.

The light moans and grunts you release causes a wave to wash over him, like electricity.

He nibbles at your lower lip as his hands move to grope your ass.

You moan.

‘’jungkook’’ you say his name for no reason, but you cant think your mind is foggy and you’re out of breath.

‘’you make me so crazy…’’ he says before going back into overlapping your tongues.

He makes you so crazy too. So crazy that you forgot about the uber mark called for you.

But in this moment you couldn’t think of anything. With the way jungkook was holding on to you, you couldn’t.

He kissed you like you were the air he breathed, the air he needed.

The air he wanted.

This kiss too made him forget everything too, he has just restarted his life and he wants you to be apart of it.

His lip move to your neck and leaves kisses everywhere he can. You gasp and pull at his hair when you feel his hands roam your body.

‘’I only want you yn’’ his lips kiss you by your ear as he whispers ‘’I only want you…’’

His hands move to your thighs and squeezes lightly.

If you let this go any further it might be hard for you to leave.

‘’jungkook’’ you whimper out.

He hums and pulls head away from your neck.

‘’I can’t’’ you say with a heavy heart.

You watch how his face falls and it breaks your heart.

‘’im sorry, I did this, im sorry I dragged it out’’ your body pulls away and the cold seeps in. ‘’I shouldn’t’’ jungkook felt like he was having his heart ripped from his chest.

‘’im sorry’’

Jungkook wants to be mad but he remembers his own transgressions.

He did plan on telling you about ivy when he came here, but he just got so distracted.

And he doesn’t think he can tell you right now.

What would be the point anyway, you don’t want to be with him.

He watches you walk over to your bags and text someone.

He folds his hands into fists frustrated with himself for bring a coward and letting you go. But he can’t fight for you, what ground does he have to stand on. He’s a liar too.

And he doesn’t think he’d be able to tell you.

All this for you leave. He’s really hating himself right now.

But it’s not the right time for him to fight for you, it would only make you more confused.

‘’im sorry too’’ he’s apologising for many things some of which he should’ve told you about.

You listen to him speak. You were kinda hoping he would say more to make want you to stay, make you not want to leave.

Just something to make you realise you’re meant to be here with him.

But you guess there are none.

But it’s not his job to make you want to stay.

‘’Thank you for everything jungkook’’ you try to form a smile.

_-_

I'm glad I have this out of my drafts now. :)

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angelicyouth · 11 months

Note

Anon era is over guys, rip

Anyways youth omori au stuff im thinking of just because

OMORI SPOILERS‼️‼️ I REPEAT OMORI SPOILERS‼️‼️

Okay so I wanna go deeper into the one where Y/N dies and Craig + Kenny r the ones who pulled the Basil and Sunny, so i'll divide it in four parts

The incident - Alright, sohonestly i have NO idea who would be sunny or basil in this case, both of them fit the idea, but for now I'll go with craig just based on how many tiktok omori au creek videos ive seen where craig takes sunny's role. I'd say the argument could be about Y/N's safety, maybe it could be that she decided to hangout with team stan and they got into like a really dangerous situiation, nobody was hurt but craig is freaking out, so he starts arguing about Y/N's safety and stuff

Eventually, push comes to a shove (heh) and awh shit Y/N gets pushed down the stairs, boom rip. ao ofcourse now xraig is probably like having a mental breakdown because HE JUST PUSHED HER DOWN THE FUCKING STARIS and he keepts panicking. around that time Kenny would come inside whoever's house they were in, because if he was at the scene while they were arguing he wouldve definetly steped in

In all honesty, no idea how they came up with the staged suicide, it probably involved a lot of arguing, screaming and crying, but eventually they agree to do so

Dreamworld - So as I stated before, they would both have their own respective headspace

I feel like in both headspaces, basil would be the other, idk how to phrase it honestly. as in, in kenny's headspace, craig would be basil, and in craigs headspace, kenny would be basil yknow??

Kenny's headspace would be pretty much identical to the one ingame, maybe it'd be a bit more similar to a ghetto? idk just a thouht. while craigs nothing would really happen, id think most of the headspace would be in someone's house or at tweek bros (of course in both of them Y/N would take mari's role)

I don't have a lot to say about headspace honestly

Realworld - After the incident, everybody just shut themselves in someway or another. Obviously, Stan would be the most devastated, going into a deep depression that lasts a while like Hero's. I feel as the group just sort of slip apart after that. As in, they went to their respective teams and just didn't talk as much

After the incident, craig and kenny wouldn't even speak to eachother anymore, they can't even bring to do so knowing what they did. Kenny especially, he feels as if its craig's fault Y/N died since he was the one that pushed her.

Headcanons I have -

Craig would be the most likely to have the hikikomori route

Stan wouldn't dye hia hair anymore nor paint his nails anymore, because of both reminding him of Y/N and not taking as much care for himself

Kenny wouldn't spend as much time in headspace, since he still takes care of Karen

Stan,Kyle,Clyde and Tweek would be the ones that visit Y/N's room most

Shelley came to visit to attend the funeral

Butters shared an animal crossing island with Y/N, but now he can't even think about it without crying

I'll probably write about this at some point

-mango anon

yaaay now everyone knows who’s behind all of these genius ideas ((except for me because i’ve been knowing who my anon bby is haha))!!♡

oh my god this is so well thought out—i literally loved every single second i spent reading this!! (*´◒`*)

⇢ OMORI SPOILERS BELOW

i love how you talk about how the argument is about craig & reader fighting about her safety + well being because that is seriously spot on—despite having a gives-no-fucks attitude i can definitely see craig constantly worried + checking his phone whenever reader is out with her brother & his group of friends because of all the crazy shit that they get up to ((bad things always seem to follow them around & who can blame him? they stole his fucking birthday money + got him stranded in peru haha))

reader eventually has had enough because while craig has his reasons, that’s still her older brother that he’s talking shit about & while they always bicker + fight like no tomorrow, his baby sister’s safety is always stan’s top priority ((has been since they came out of the womb)). so of course, after some time & heated words getting thrown around, she get’s fed up with the conversation & tries to walk away

he quickly grabs onto her wrist because no, you’re not listening Y/N!! we always get into shit about this and i’m so fucking tired of having to worry my ass off whenever you’re with them which leads to them tugging & pulling because she doesn’t want to deal with this right now but craig thinks that they don’t deal with it enough. obviously, he doesn’t want to hurt his baby while he’s blinded by frustration so he loosens his grip. but this unluckily occurs at the same time she does one harsh yank, causing her body to wobble from the force until she loses her footing & suddenly all she can see is craig’s frantic expression + his outstretched arm as she’s falling down the stairs

i love how you added that kenny’s presence would’ve majorly played a role in everything because yes, the overprotective blonde would have definitely stepped in to help mediate the fight if he was at the scene & things would have definitely ended up differently!! you’re absolutely right in the fact that there will be a lot of frantic screaming, disbelieving crying, and frustrated arguing as they try to take in the image of their once lively shared significant lover—her skin ashen + her once expressive eyes looking eerily hollow & empty

i honestly think it would have to be kenny to be the one to come up with the staged suicide because while craig & him aren’t romantically involved, he’s grown to care for the male ravenette during his time with reader and wouldn’t want him to end up in shit with the police. even now, he can’t bring himself to hate the taller teen because while he did ultimately play a hand at accelerating reader’s demise, he’s constantly shown how much he loves & cherishes her in his own way. craig can’t gather his thoughts as he stares at his violently trembling hands because he did this to her while kenny internally panics & curses because someone will come home soon to see what happened

obviously, craig will be violently overcome with guilt that he killed reader whereas kenny’s will be due to the fact that he can’t believe he let everyone believe his wonderful ray of sunshine killed herself. he feels fucking terrible that he disrespected her body by hanging it by the neck at the tree outside of the Marsh’s backyard. the same body he’s gently held in his warm embrace countless of times, the one that has always given him the softest & warmest of affectionate and reassuring kisses

he never gave her a proper closure with her loved ones ((the casket had to be closed due to the hanging)) and in turn, fucked up everyone’s last living image & memory of her

… and he disrespected her like that with a staged suicide in the afterlife, the one he claims to love so much & holds closest to his heart

i love the idea of the other being basil in each of their own headspaces!! the two can’t help but to be scornful towards the other because of obvious reasons which leads to them not talking anymore. and yes, i adore the notion that kenny’s headspace would be like omori’s colorful dreamworld with stan’s group except the surroundings would be more ghetto to reflect his poor upbringing. i firmly stand by the idea that craig’s dreamworld would be similar to omori’s whitespace when he’s just sitting but omori’s blackspace when he’s aimlessly wandering around ((in contrast to kenny getting into all sorts of crazy adventures with the guys)) and he’d drive the knife into his body when he wants to return to whitespace

while reader was the glue that brought craig + kenny together from their nonconventional relationship, she was also the glue holding all of stan’s group & craig’s group together

AND YOUR HEADCANNONS OMG—I HAD SO MANY FEELS WHEN I WAS READING THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE SUCH SMALL DETAILS THAT MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN THIS TRAGEDY

i love the idea that stan wouldn’t bleach his hair or paint his nails black anymore because those actions remind him of reader—his sister used to do it for him & it was always a source of quality time + getting each other’s undivided attention

i love how kenny wouldn’t be in headspace as much because of karen—he still has all these responsibilities forced onto him because of his parents & he knows how much reader cares for his younger sister. he continues to look out for her in the real world because reader would be so disappointed if he didn’t

yes yes yes!!! stan, kyle, clyde & tweek would definitely be the ones to visit reader’s room the most even when she’s gone ((randy + sharon have left it virtually untouched in memory of their daughter)) and would be the ones to visit her grave the most—to talk to her & update her on things & just to spend time with her even if she can’t reply

but also, butters would be part of the constantly visiting group!!

but then this got me thinking—what if in craig & kenny’s rush, they didn’t properly check reader’s condition + didn’t properly stage the hanging ((they used a jump rope for fuck’s sake))? what if instead, she’s stuck in the hospital and years deep into a coma? then stan, kyle, clyde, butters, & tweek would visit her everyday to replace the flowers in her vase etc.

you literally broke my heart when you said butters doesn’t touch his switch anymore because he cant bring himself to change anything about their shared animal crossing island—it’s the same thing with clyde & reader’s shared minecraft world

#asksforlala #mango anon ♡#south park x reader #omori

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androxys · 10 months

Text

Androxys Reads... Batman #401 and Tec #568!

We’re starting the post-Crisis, New Earth Batman reread! As such, we’re starting with Batman #401, the first New Earth Batman story according to the sources I read online. This issue is a tie in to the Legends event, so we’re also reading Detective Comics (hereafter referred to as ‘Tec) #568 and the actual Legends miniseries. Tec #568 is another Legends tie-in, and is the first New Earth Detective Comics story. Technically the proper order to read these is Batman #401, then Tec #568, then Legends #1, so I’ll try to keep my overall Legends thoughts to a minimum.

For those who don’t know, the basic plot of Legends is that Darkseid wants to break Earth’s fascination with superheroes–destroy their “legend–” and cement himself in the minds of Earth instead. Darkseid is all about conquering minds and spirits. Legends is the first big event after Crisis on Infinite Earths that gets everyone together and establishes the superhero community on New Earth, so we need to read through it to understand Batman’s place relative to other heroes.

NOW it’s time for Batman #401

I like that Batman started its New Earth chronology with a #1, albeit #401. It makes things a little cleaner than over in Tec, which started at #568 in the new continuity.

We start immediately with a murder investigation that Batman is eavesdropping on, which I feel sets the tone pretty quick. He’s a detective, he’s on the hunt, he’s alone in this shadow as the wind whips through his cape in a suitably dramatic fashion.

[Batman #401]

It also immediately establishes the villain: Magpie, who apparently left a note claiming responsibility for theft and murder. Cool, but then Denny tags an explanatory editor’s note that references The Man of Steel #3, because it wasn’t convoluted enough to read this comic already. Both Batman #401 and Man of Steel #3 were published with a cover date of November ‘86, so at least the entire Magpie Cinematic Universe was on sale at the same time. It’s also important to note that even though they were published at the same time, the events of Man of Steel #3 happen several months before Batman #401.

The ‘Oxys Notes on Man of Steel #3 is that it’s the first time Superman and Batman team up, and it’s to stop Magpie. She steals stuff and leaves deadly replicas in the place of whatever she stole. Batman and Superman get off to a rocky start, to say the least.

[Man of Steel #3]

It’s worth noting that Batman isn’t lying about there being a bomb–he suspected Superman would be able to tell. “Does this mean this post-Crisis Batman is willing to kill?” you may cry out. Only himself! This totally well adjusted vigilante just had the bomb in his own belt. After he and Superman deal with Magpie, he just hands the bomb over to Supes.

On a more serious characterization note about Batman in this post-Crisis continuity, I really like this discussion that Superman and Batman have after they’ve apprehended Magpie.

[Man of Steel #3]

This is November of 1986. These are Batman’s first appearances in this post-Crisis world, and I think it matters that his compassion is something that gave eight speech bubbles to.

“She’s not a real criminal … She’s just a frail, human psyche. An unbalanced id that got pushed too far. … Yes… I feel sorry for her Superman. But I feel more sorry for her victims.”

Batman feels for everyone. He feels for Magpie, who he doesn’t see as someone who does evil for evil’s sake (like a certain green-haired fellow might), but as someone who was a victim in her own way. But, he contends, that doesn’t outweigh her actions. He feels for her victims too, and greatly so. ‘Compassion yet consequences,’ or perhaps ‘consequences yet compassion’ seems to be an early established theme for Batman.

Anyway, Man of Steel #3 ends with a sweet resolution and Bruce stating that “In a different reality, I might have called him friend,” just in case you forgot this is a new reality with a new status quo and this was Batman and Superman’s first meeting.

Anyway, back to the comic we’re actually talking about, Batman #401.

I love this scene with Gordon, after he’s done talking with the investigator, where he sits alone in the room and asks out for Batman’s thoughts. It shows that he knows that Batman was going to be there, listening in, even if he can’t see him.

[Batman #401]

This sequence works so well to establish that even though this is the new continuity, this Batman isn’t starting fresh. (That story will come soon!) Gordon knows him and respects him. And Batman respects Gordon back! He tells him what he’s been up to and what he thinks of the case, and they’re fully depicted as partners in justice.

[Batman #401]

And… the debut of Brucie Wayne, rich idiot. Batman set a trap for Magpie using an item from the Wayne Collection, so of course Bruce will be there. He gets partnered with a detective undercover as his date, and right away he’s laying on the charm… and we can see he’s getting exactly the reaction he wants.

Anyway, then G. Gordon Godfrey shows up because this is a Legends tie in and he has to shout off some anti-superhero stuff. The Oxys’ Notes on Godfrey is that he’s a televangelist who hates superheroes and is slowly getting people more and more riled up. I will say, he does make a precinct observation to Gordon that one day, Gordon will be judged at large for his partnering with Batman. I know this theme will take years for these themes to play out, but the seeds are being laid even now.

[Batman #401]

I like this sequence, as Godfrey is shouting about how dangerous and evil superheroes are while Batman is running through the crowd, trying to stop a gas attack on the party. It’s not terribly complex: here’s Godfrey saying all these things about heroes that Batman is actively disproving by example, but it’s effective. And again–here is the compassion he feels for everyone, as he holds Detective Valle.

[Batman #401]

This has nothing to do with the plot, it’s just a moment to appreciate Small Jason.

[Batman #401]

A quip? From Robin? It’s more likely than you think. (This reading series may also serve as mild propaganda against the idea that Jason was “always the angry Robin” but we’ll see.)

There's a fight, they escape a deathtrap, Batman catches up to Magpie. It's a Batman comics, you know the formula.

[Batman #401]

But here’s another example of how Batman sees himself as an enforcer of the law, and perhaps an executor of consequences… but not of punishment. He says to Magpie “I have to take you in, but I don’t have to hurt you.” He’s willing to use violence as a tool, but it’s not what he wants. That’s not necessarily what this Batman is about. He’s about justice–and he sees other forces as the arbiters of that justice. He’s just the one that brings them in. And I think that’s important to set up here! This one sentence undercuts a lot of the but-whataboutisms that get levied at Arkham’s revolving door. Batman is about bringing people to justice, but he isn’t the one that metes out that justice. That is left to police and the courts–systems larger than just one man.

In the last lines of this issue, Magpie accuses Batman of being “a horrible man.” He responds that “I am what I have to be.” Have to be because of what, Bruce? A promise made by an eight year old in the dark? Because this is the only way Batman can function? Do you feel trapped on this path already, doomed by your narrative? I’m fine, I’m so fine about this.

Now let’s move on to the next chapter: Detective Comics #568.

It opens with Batman and Robin observing an anti-superhero rally, because it's a Legends tie-in and they're establishing what's currently going on. It’s actually kind of unclear whether or not the guy speaking is supposed to be G. Gordon Godfrey or just a guy who has taken up the message and is repeating the gospel. I personally think that it might be more effective, narratively, if it’s the latter–it shows that Godfrey’s ideas are spreading and more people are emboldened to hold rallies against superheroes.

[Detective Comics #568]

Robin jokes that the guy on the stage makes him want to just hang up his cape and go home, which Bruce admits is the ultimate goal. The purpose of Batman, again, is not to punish. It’s to stop crime, to keep it from happening, and to bring those who commit it to justice. At the same time though, does he think he’ll ever get there? Will there ever be a day he can hang up the cape? Almost certainly not. But that doesn’t mean he won’t try.

[Detective Comics #568]

Just to make sure the point is being driven completely, 100% home, Batman has this moment with Jason after he gives Bruce a bit of an attitude about taking care of a wounded student instead of rushing in with Batman. Batman! Is! About! Compassion!

The rest of this story is just a classic Penguin plot. He’s doing something with birds, blah blah blah. Batman confronts him but he gets away. Batman goes back to the Batcave to do research. Jason tells a corny joke. Batman deduces where Penguin is. He goes and fights some giant falcons. He stops Penguin. All is right in the world.

I will take a moment to say, I like that it's such a classic Batman plot, even though it's tying in with the larger event. It's giving a very grounded approach to what Batman and Robin are up to and what they normally encounter, but it still grounds their story in the context of a larger world. There are other things happening in other books, but that doesn't distract from the fact that Penguin is up to something.

The parting scene of this comic has Bruce and Jason watching the news about a G. Gordon Godfrey rally, and Jason asks Bruce if he thinks that superheroes are holding back “the common man” from achieving their potential.

[Detective Comics #568]

Bruce observes that in the recent fight against Penguin, a civilian was instrumental in his capture, showing that people in spandex do not have a monopoly on doing good in the world. Righteousness is not a limited resource, people just have to do it. Bruce asserts that “the triumph of the common man is assured… whether or not there’s a Batman to help him.”

These first two Batman stories seem to be establishing the thesis statements for Batman. It’s about hope, first and foremost. Hope that people can do what’s right, hope that the work of individuals can stop injustice everywhere. And I love that, because it’s a reminder that Batman is not exactly a grimdark. He’s a gothic character, he’s heavily intertwined with fear, and he’s not opposed to violence… but his core is still a hopeful one. It’s still a kind one. Batman is compassionate, because he was a victim once. He never wants anyone to feel the way he did, because he’ll never forget it. So he reaches out, even to those who he’s bringing to justice, because every person is still a person. There’s a fundamental dignity he affords to every human, but he doesn’t lose sight of the fact that some people disregard others’ humanity–and that is unacceptable.

I really like these two stories as the jumping off point for Batman on New Earth. I’m probably going to write up a little post on the larger Legends event and how Batman plays into it, but we’ll see.

For these, I also want to point out where comics are collected, if people want to read them themselves. Batman #401 is, to my knowledge, uncollected, but I know Tec #568 is collected in The Dark Knight Detective Vol 1.

#batman #bruce wayne #jason todd #dc comics #androxys reads comics #chit chat

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forestryfae · 8 months

Text

so first of all i need rly need a bike. fucking nice. i have one but from what i remember its too tall plus its been in the garage for like 5 years. so thats a nice thing to waste money on

secondly i need more pants, some of the thinner ones are starting to get too small. again.

thirdly i was p much woken up with "you need to move rooms today" an hour before work like three or four months ago and i was told id be moving into a FINISHED room. it resulted in me complaining for 3 months that my room didnt have a heater, the lights in the entryway and room didnt work, and the light in the bathroom is screaming at me.

so instead of like. fixing any of this they just stole a lightbulb from the room i was in before i moved and put it in my new room. they also checked the lamp in the bathroom but "i cant hear anything" so they just didnt fix the screeching. i still havent gotten anew lightbulb in the hall and i finally got heater sometime during summer vacation

forth of all they also. keep fucking changing the rules. some of the people here will happily wait five minutes extra for people without them needing to ask and gladly comes knocking on tveir door, but some of them will tell you you need to let them know youll be 2 minutes late or theyll just leave without you. like what the fuck. i cant be a minute or two late so i can grab my fucking work clothes before i go to work??

why do some of these people get special treatment. why do they get extra care while i can be in my room crying for two days and noone notices. if im upset they usually dont talk to me unless im angry enough at them specifically to either scream or slam doors but any other person being sad warrants repeated attempts at a fucking intervention to fix everything. they dont come to my room if im not there for something they know id enjoy but theyll come get anyone else no problem. its person to person too so some of the workers very clearly have better communication and bonds with certain people and prioritize them and easily ask them to do stuff

i cant even talk to my fucking contacts or tell people when im so sad i dont know why im alive and im frequently forgotten about and ignored, and its not like i can say "i need people to actually show me im welcome and wanted because of how ive been treated in the past and how my brain is wired to anticipate social settings" xus thats not a real thing. im just being attentionseeking and whiny and ill just hear i "should be afraid to talk to people" and i "have to show initiative" and i shouldnt put the responsibility of whatever onto other people but like. its always been like that. im not welcome or expected unless im specifically invited, noone indirectly invites me then gets surprised that i didnt join or asks if im coming. most invitations are aimed at everyone too.

and im trying so hard too. i try so hard to fit in and act the way i think people would like, cus i know noone likes me when i try to just be myself, and somehow im still not likeable enougj. but if someones cranky or antisocial and generally harder to get to join or get out of their rooms thats fine, theyll try harder w that person. not with me though.

like. would be fucking nice if someone else could take the role of making sure im included because im wanted for once.instead of me having to do that myself and constantly worrying about it being a hit or miss. would be really fucking nice if someone could ask if im sad or upset in a genuine manner instead of fucking asking "how are you" or "what are you doing". noone asks how are you because they want to know how youre doing, they ask cus they want you to tell them youre okay so they dont have to talk to you. never in my life has either of thise questions meant anything other than say okay so i can congratulate myself for caring when i dont. its like saying hi. its not meant to be a real conversation.

like i really miss being able to say im not okay and being able to be angry. i literally cant do that anymore, im too numb to be angry, i dont know how to validate myself, none of my problems are big enough to be real, none of my feelings matter unless someone else says its ok to feel stuff, i cant say anything is wrong cus then im whiny and negative, i cant complain cus thats annoying and selfish, i cant have needs cus thats selfish, self centered, and egoistical and im not the only person in the world and im not the only one who matters, and i cant have stuff i want cus thats cringey. thats embarrassing.

i want a new house? i have one so why am i complaining, im only miserable cus im not trying hard enough to enjoy living there. i just need to go on walks daily and find something to do during the day. in an area where i dont know the forest with a budget of nothing if i wanna eat the last two weeks of the month without wasting my 1k nok in savings

i want family to come visit me? (not anymore but i used to) tough luck people have their own lives and are too busy to drive 30-45 minutes to spend a couple hours with me or help me with things they specifically told me theyd help me with like. once in a while. maybe even just once or twice a month. but if i call ahead i can take the train and come visit them for 6-8 hours minimum. i pay the ticket ofc. fuck them.

i want something new, like furniture im going to use or just a funky trinket i found or i want some new hobby materials for a hobby i wanna try? no i dont. you dont NEED that, you wont even use it, its a waste of money. no fun allowed.

i cant even talk about stuff i wanna DO or try or anything cus it doesnt matter. its not important so it doesnt matter. its not big enough. its all too small and its not interesting enough. nothing i say is worth listening to even if its the exact same shit everyone else talks about.

like. i just dont get it. theres clearly something very wrong here and i know my family is a huge reason for that but i just dont understand how everything works vs is supposed to work vs isnt supposed to work. i have no concept of normal and fucked up behaviour, i literally cant tell shit apart. i can tell when something upsets me, sometimes, but thats not a good enough reason to be angry or upset, and i cant base my social interactions on that. i cant tell if im uncomfortable or not either so thats fun. not that it matters.

like. idk. i just want a lightbulb so my room isnt so dark in the evening. i dont think its too much to ask. i dont think its an unfair accusation that i think itll take a week or two atleast before i get one and theyll forget i still need one for the entryway. they dont even have any extra lightbulbs so we dont have to go several days without a working ceiling light. they just never bought any.

#talkies

0 notes

foryouthegays · 3 years

Text

First Meeting [Dream SMP] liveblog and summary w/ timestamps lets gooo

(Time taken: 1:58:56)

(Words: 1,235)

Enjoy!

Summary:

Techno starts the stream in his house. He talks to chat and about the stream, and eventually starts talking to Phil. They go over the Syndicate book and make some copies. While finding chickens, Niki asks Techno where he is, and says she wants to meet with him. Techno tells her to “follow the suspicious compass.” After a few minutes, she finds their house, and is invited inside. She reads the book and agrees to join the Syndicate.

While talking, Techno spots Ranboo spying on them, and goes outside to ask what he’s doing. Techno asks how much Ranboo heard, and Niki asks if he’s not allowed to know.

Ranboo questions her logic and says that if you want to keep a secret, you really shouldn’t be going around asking if someone’s allowed to know something. Techno agrees, and decides to ask Ranboo if he wants to join the Syndicate. He agrees.

After a few minutes of talking, and a quick sellout timer, they bring Ranboo and Niki to the lava pool, and Phil jumps in. It’s the new way to the meeting room, and a trust test. They go the the meeting room, which looks amazing, and start their first meeting with discussion about The Egg.

Techno says that he’ll talk to people and learn more about the Egg. He starts talking about a new government forming to the West of L’Manburg. They agree to investigate the rumors.

Before they leave, Ranboo reveals that Tommy died, to mixed reactions. Techno’s indifferent at worst, excited at best, and the others are in denial, and need to see a body to believe it.

They leave to go to Snowchester, and start talking to Tubbo. After some conversation, they agree that Snowchester isn’t a government, and Tubbo invites them to see his crater. They’re impressed, and say that they’ll call him if they ever need to kill a god. They go back to Snowchester and the prison, and Techno breaks part of the roof for fun.

Eventually, they make it back home. They tear down the dirt fortress in front of their yard, and then Techno ends the stream.

Times of Note (loreish):

3:45 Phil joins the call

7:00 he shows the updated Syndicate book, which reads:

This Syndicate is formed to serve as a network for fellow Anarchists to meet, exchange information, and cooperate in the mutual pursuit of Anarchy and the fight against Tyranny.

We shall have no Leader; no Member shall be compelled to act against their will. No Member shall reveal information about the Syndicate to outsiders.

Technoblade shall serve as the Recruiter to induce new Members into the Syndicate with Approval from a majority of Members.

14:20 Niki asks where Techno is.

16:20 Niki shows up at their door and joins the call.

20:40 Ranboo is spotted spying on them.

34:20 they start bringing Ranboo and Niki to the meeting room.

36:50 syndicate room reveal

37:40 he shows their code names, which are

Technoblade - Protesilalus

Phil - Zephyrus

??? - Harpocrates

48:15 Ranboo reveals that Tommy is dead.

Times of Note (just bc fun lmao):

1:30, 2:02, 2:07 he clap :]

22:09 a deep friendship :) aww thank you! That was adorable

26:45 ‘reblog’ techno r. R u on tumblr technoblade

30:50, 1:00:50, 1:33:30 Sellout timer my beloved

Tubbo dies 6 times before he manages to say that someone trapped him im gonna cry this is amazing

1:03:53 Du du duuu

1:07:05 TECHNOLAUGH TECHNOLAUGH TECHNOLAUGH!!!!

1:23:55 2 4 6. 8 who do we appreciate not the government yeahh

1:33:40 technosneeze?

Liveblog:

Startinggg the streammm my beloved

1:15 ‘well at least im gonna get valuable feedback from my chat, lets see what theyre saying. Late, late, late late late, late’ GOD ive missed his humor

3:45 philza minecraft philza minecraft philza minecraft

Techno has 6 mil subscribers and still doesnt know how to stream. I love him <3

6:00 ah yes, fences, the best way to stop snow

7:00 syndicate book my beloved

7:35 ‘when you have to do a group project in school, do you form a temporary government to get it done?’ S;ALKSDJFALKSDFJA technoblade my beloved

8:20 ‘listen, my high school understandin’ of philosophy will easily defeat the average viewers middle school understandin’’ FGHSKJDLA love he

Techno n philzas interactions r just. So good

16:20 NIKI!!!!!!! Oh my gosh he just closes the door in her face im gkjfhsdla

17:05 ‘im not a fool, im not a foolish fool who doesnt test things before he does them on stream’ love he

17:35 was v sir billiam voice

God technos humor is just. 10/10

Currently obsessed w how in canon niki is like, probably a bit scared of techno n then she goes over there and hes like. Do u think i can bring steve to the syndicate like his image is SO different from how he acts in the arctic i love it

22:55 ‘i would NEVER hurt another human being’ mhm sure techno

Mmmm technos voice when he starts asking people bout anarchy my beloved

Techno rlly does just say things doesnt he. Like i say that abt tommy a lot but techno just. Does he think? Yes. Does he just ramble abt whatever he wants? Also yes

13:10 Obsessed w how fast he ran when the sellout timer went off

32:05 BIG fan of this dono, it’s from J.J.M. Nobody for 50$ and it says ‘You know a hero once associated with pigs lead an army against tyranny.In fact he was supposed to be immortal, if he didnt commit a grevious sin. It made the voice in his head leave him to die. You wouldnt know anything about that?right Tydeus?’

Also i love how technos horrible upload/stream schedule is just him hibernating in canon

36:50 YOOOO THE SYNDICATE ROOM LOOKS SO GOOD

39:28 guys what if i stole phils code name and made it zephyris instead of zephyrus /hj (also who do yall think Harpocrates is?)

Obsessed w how obvious technos trying to make it that theyre not the good guys like the symbol being a wither? The room being all dark n stuff? They have to get in through l a v a? Love it. 10/10 would join

41:15 ‘its a meetin’ room, lets have our first meeting. So, uh, what the fuck is up with the egg, dude?’ GJKHDFSL phil is so good

42:05 OBSESSED with how, canonically, the egg wasnt able to take hold of techno or ranboo bc their heads r already so full of voices

44:10 the TIMING of tubbo dying when theyre talkin bout his place is hilarious

48:25 ‘dream..beat him to death’ ‘yoooo thats a pog’ GDHJKFL TECHNOBLADE

1:02:20 POTATO ROOM SELLOUT LETS GOOOO

1:07:05 HE LAUGH!!!!!! HE LAUGH!! ! ! !

Techno making fun of tubbos tunnel is so good im gonna cry ‘if i were to give any constructive criticism id say that your tunnel SUCKS’ (1:07:50)

1:21:20 why is ther ejust. A random piston ;akdjlafja

#technoblade #first meeting [dream smp]#feel free to send an ask if u have questions or want tws or anythin!

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jaxsteamblog · 3 years

Text

Love Letters

This is the plain text version of an IMAGE SET! Please check out the chapter on AO3 for the visual, or enjoy the plain text here! If you end up liking the visual chapter, make sure to thank @the--descension and their fic, as well as @zk-modernau!

Click here to read the full fic on AO3

Image ID: Screenshots of a text chat between Katara in green chat bubbles and Zuko in white chat bubbles. / End Image ID

[Author’s note, timestamps are not included in this transcript as they were not accurately edited in the app. Texts will be labelled by sender first, followed by the message. Readers using accessible software please be aware that text messages will include extra punctuation for emphasis and misspellings. Emojis used will be typed out as a description.]

Blue text box with the date December 09, 2020

Yellow text box with lock symbol that reads Messages to this chat and calls are now secured with end-to-end encryption. Tap for more info.

Katara: BTFS!!!!!

Zuko: That good huh?

Katara: WHY are there so many earth kingdom cities????

Zuko: Oh, geography class. My favorite.

Katara: Crying emoji. This is worse than anatomy.

Zuko: NOTHING is worse than anatomy.

Katara: True.

Katara: But why do I have to memorize this? I can Booble ALL OF IT.

Zuko: Same reasons as anatomy.

Katara: Three red angry emojis

Katara: I’m making everyone wear name tags.

Zuko: That’s one way to handle it.

Zuko: Have you learned anything about FN yet?

Katara: Why else am I dating you if not for that?

Zuko: I thought it was for my stunning good looks….

Katara: I do miss your face.

Zuko: I miss yours too.

Katara: You’re coming for the coronation right?

Zuko: That’s the plan.

Katara: How is your family being?

Zuko: Terrible, as usual. Who knew a failed kidnapping plot would put them in such a bad mood?

Katara: Straight face emoji

Katara: I still think you should’ve said something.

Zuko: It would just make things worse.

Katara: I know.

Katara: I keep thinking about you during these stupid lessons.

Katara: I can’t believe you already know all this BS.

Zuko: I’ve been learning it since I was a kid. Male shrug emoji

Katara: Sure, but I’ve seen your interviews and stuff.

Katara: You’re really good at it.

Zuko: Aww, are you internet stalking me???

Katara: Shut up!!!

Katara: I feel like every interviewer has a crush on you.

Zuko: Again, my stunning good looks.

Katara: That’s starting to sound like sarcasm. You are aware that you’re handsome, right?

Zuko: Love IS blind.

Katara: I’m serious! You have really nice cheekbones.

Zuko: And you say you can’t be diplomatic.

Katara: You’re impossible.

Zuko: I just don’t do well with compliments like that.

Katara: I’ll have to find other ways to compliment you then. Smiling devil emoji

Zuko: Sounds like a challenge.

Katara: I have to go. Arnook has me working with Pakku on “Courtly Behaviors.”

Zuko: Sounds terrible. Have fun!

Katara: Miss you! Six emoji hearts alternating red and blue

Zuko: Miss you too.

Blue text box with the date December 22, 2020

Zuko: So, by the end of it, Uncle had the guy by his collar and the wife was mortified.

Katara: I cannot believe this happened.

Zuko: Me neither. It only ever happens when I’m home.

Katara: Do you ever wish you stayed in Ba Sing Se?

Zuko: I used to, from time to time.

Katara: Not now?

Zuko: Now I think about how the Water Tribe Queen can’t go around dating a tea server.

Katara: What if we both left and ran off to the earth kingdom interior? We can open up our own tea and herb shop.

Zuko: Training not going well?

Katara: Training is FINE.

Katara: I just really miss you.

Zuko: I miss you too.

Zuko: I think about you all the time. It’s really distracting.

Zuko: I zoned out in the middle of an important luncheon today.

Katara: Why????

Zuko: I was thinking about you.

Katara: That’s dumb. You’re dumb.

Zuko: You like me dumb.

Katara: Hot and dumb, himbos forever.

Zuko: Hey, Thuy’s calling me. I gotta go.

Katara: Say hi!

Zuko: Will do. Talk to you later?

Katara: Heart eyes emoji

Blue text box with the date December 30, 2020

Katara: And it happens every new moon!

Zuko: That sounds like a lot of work every month.

Katara: It’s unbelievable.

Katara: I mean, maybe the South Pole did it before the war. But it’d be news to me.

Zuko: I guess that’s why they really want a Bender on the throne.

Katara: It makes things easier but also, we know the moon is going to come back. Like, scientifically.

Zuko: I think Arnook might be holding on for different reasons.

Katara: Shoot. Yeah. You’re right.

Katara: Crap, now I feel bad.

Zuko: Sorry. I do understand what you’re saying though.

Katara: Maybe I can change it? Make it more about Yue and less like we’re all gonna die if we don’t appease the spirits?

Zuko: That sounds reasonable.

Zuko: You’re really getting good at this.

Katara: I’m good with the tribe stuff. I’m still bad doing all this talking out the side of my mouth.

Zuko: Pardon? Monocle emoji

Katara: It’s an Earth Kingdom expression. When you’re not talking straight and buttering someone up. Or backhanded compliments.

Zuko: Unfortunately, you’ll have to do that a lot.

Katara: Whyyyyyy? I’ll be queen. What are they gonna do about it?

Zuko: Rebel?

Katara: Against the ocean? Eye roll emoji

Zuko: Sounding a bit tyrannical there darling. Fire emoji

Katara: They’re making me do all this stuff!!! It’s not fair!!!!

Zuko: It’ll get easier.

Katara: Can’t I just go visit you? Let’s go to Ember Island again.

Zuko: I wish.

Zuko: You look good on a beach.

Katara: Everyone looks good on a beach. That’s why it’s popular.

Zuko: Fair.

Katara: I can’t believe that was just a few months ago.

Zuko: I can’t believe we’ve been dating for a full season now.

Katara: Do we have an actual anniversary? Thinking emoji

Zuko: Honestly, I wasn’t thinking about it because I don’t want to jinx this.

Katara: Three cry laughing emojis

Katara: Would it be the summit tho?

Zuko: I guess so?

Katara: We wasted SO MUCH TIME this summer.

Zuko: Well…

Katara: It’s not my fault you were dating someone else.

Zuko: If I had been bolder during the war…

Katara: How would that have even worked?

Katara: I hadn’t even hit my peak rage against the Fire Nation

Zuko: Probably wouldn’t have been down for dating the crown prince then huh?

Katara: But it was you. So who knows?

Zuko: You think you would’ve still fallen for me?

Katara: Didn’t I do exactly that?

Zuko: That wasn’t me though.

Katara: Tomato, potato

Zuko: Your brother says that.

Katara: He stole it from ME!!!

Blue text box with the date January 03, 2021

Zuko: Sorry I missed your call.

Zuko: Kat?

Zuko: Are you mad at me?

Katara: Yes.

Zuko: I’m sorry Katara, the meeting ran long.

Katara: I know.

Katara: I’m still mad.

Katara: Today was really rough.

Zuko: What happened?

Katara: I don’t want to talk about it.

Zuko: Hey, did you want to call now? I’m free.

Katara: No.

Zuko: Katara.

Katara: I just really needed you!

Katara: Arnook keeps yelling at me because I keep forgetting names and stupid stuff like that, and Pakku is telling me that I’m going to cause the next world war because I’m rude, and now one will train with me because I’m the stupid princess now and I’m really really lonely!

Zuko: I’m sorry Katara, that really sucks.

Katara: It does suck!

Katara: And when I call my boyfriend when he told me he’d be free, he didn’t pick up!

Zuko: I couldn’t control that.

Katara: I know.

Katara: I’m sorry.

Katara: I really want to see you.

Zuko: We can video chat?

Katara: No, I really want to see you in person.

Katara: We just started dating but I never get to be with you.

Katara: And when we are together, something bad always happens.

Zuko: I know. I’m sorry.

Katara: It’s not your fault.

Zuko: It kinda is though. It’s my family.

Katara: I just wish you were here.

Zuko: Me too. But I’ll see you soon.

Katara: Ugh, don’t remind me. Fed up emoji

Zuko: You’re going to do great. And you’re not going to be taking over right away. Arnook is still around for a bit.

Katara: Promise YOU will be around for a bit?

Zuko: I’ll stay as long as I can.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38

#zutara #fanfiction #jax writes #zutara month #modern au #the fic that prompts built

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platypanthewriter · 3 years

Text

Dildos and Hayfever

Harringrove April prompt day 13, Hayfever. Detective Billy Hargrove's had a rough time lately, and Captain Hopper assigns him a partner who'll either make everything worse...or everything better.

“All you need to know is he’s the commissioner’s son,” rang in Billy’s head as he stalked down the hall. Hopper had followed up with “I told him you were fresh out of rehab,” and “I’m sure you can remember enough of the ropes to show him, right, it’s not like he’s gonna be doing the work anyway,” and Billy gritted his teeth, punching the elevator buttons with a vengeance.

The light flickered, worsening the headache that always came on in the spring when all the flowers bloomed, and every tree on every sidewalk in the city shot its rocks off in midair—or when he had to walk into the office of the captain. This morning, to his utmost joy, he’d had both, and he took the opportunity of alone time in the elevator to blow his nose, hard.

Captain Hopper meant well, probably, Billy told himself, and set his shoulders.

He found the right building because of the smoke pouring out half the upper windows, the six fire trucks, and the EMTs coming out with the victims—a nice brownstone, before. Billy looked—somewhat hopelessly—for an elevator, sighed, and hauled himself up seven flights of stairs, sneezing.

Police Commissioner Harrington’s son was interviewing witnesses. Billy’d seen him before—always with his own office, always flirting with whoever worked reception, always with his uniform tailored. How he’d brokered a transfer to Major Crimes was a riddle Billy couldn’t wait to ask about—though if he was absolute dead weight, Hopper would probably come up with another solution to Billy’s bullshit, and kick Harrington back onto a desk somewhere.

Harrington was on an upper landing, listening to a black lady and her husband. They looked in their...seventies, maybe, well-off, both crying, and clutching tabby cats. “I can speak to you later,” he said gently, “—if you’d like to—” but the woman shook her head, grabbing his hand.

“He’s a good boy,” she said, sniffling, “—and you better catch whoever did this. Anyone who could do this. There aren’t many young men ready to haul an old lady’s groceries up nine flights, or open her pickle jars, either. Anything we can tell you—”

The man nodded too, holding her hand, and Harrington crouched, jotting down their story, while Billy showed his ID and ducked under the crime scene tape into the half-gutted apartment. He listened as he pulled the whole crime scene kit on, his gloves, mask, booties, and haircap and all.

It smelled horrible, still thick with greasy smoke that clung to the inside of Billy’s sinuses, and he was grateful for the mask.

The parts of the apartment that hadn’t caught fire were nice—nicer than he could afford, certainly—with art everywhere, photos, paintings...and a floor-to-ceiling, sculptural mobile he couldn’t help thinking looked like a cock. He surveyed the scene—a coffee table with wine glasses for two, chocolate-dipped strawberries, and chocolate dick-shaped marshmallows, in front of a couch with penis-shaped pillows.

There was a spray-painted ‘GOD HATES F—’ on the wall, the last word obscured by char from the fire, but Billy honestly wasn’t sure it was new, given the decor in general, and the adjacent broken glass glued to the wall in a penis shape. He leaned in and sniffed it, and he could still smell the fumes of the paint. He snapped a few pictures of it, for later.

When he backed up to get a wider view, his shoulder thumped into someone. “Sorry,” said Harrington, and then, showing why he’d made detective, “...that huge thing on the ceiling kinda looks like a dick.”

“A lot of things in this apartment do, you’ll find,” said Wheeler, the lead CSI, raising her eyebrows at Billy with a smirk. He tensed, a little, but she just started giving him the report, and he nearly shut his eyes in relief. “Including the weapon.” She waved at a bagged, cement dong sculpture that looked like art deco. “It probably didn’t take any prints,” she said, sighing, “—with a gritty surface like that.” Harrington grimaced, wincing, and touching his head.

“The victim will probably regain consciousness,” Wheeler went on. “He left the windows open all along that side of the apartment,” she pointed, “—and with as windy as it’s been today, it sucked the fire away from him, so he didn’t get much smoke inhalation.”

“What even...robbery?” Harrington asked, then, “Domestic violence?” and she grimaced, clicking around on her tablet.

“From his phone, it looks like a first date. We’re going over it with a fine-tooth comb, though,” she said, frowning at Billy, then down at her tablet. “Since the assailant obviously wanted the crime scene burned to the ground.”

Billy nodded, his eyes watering either from the fumes, or the pollen count. He sneezed inside his mask, and grimaced as it stuck to his face wetly. “Who is the victim?” he asked, sighing, and wrinkling his nose.

“Ishaq Hill,” Harrington put in, glancing between them. “Profession, camboy. Posted photos and videos of himself, pinup style mostly, artsy, sometimes naked. Neighbors don’t think it was stressing him out any, though, he just talked about being single a lot.”

Wheeler raised her eyebrows. “Because of the head trauma, they’re keeping him in a medically induced coma, so we can’t ask him what happened at least until tomorrow. But look,” she said, leaning between them to flick between photos on her tablet. She zoomed in on the victim’s crotch, and Billy automatically shot an alarmed glance at the nearest human, who happened to be Harrington, his brown eyes frowning back.

“Was there evidence of sexual assault?” he asked, and Wheeler shook her head, waving him closer.

“No, no, look,” she said, zooming it in further. “It’s hard to see, but look, the harness. The color, there, against his white vinyl? It’s a leather harness, dyed rainbow tie-dye. The straps are cut—and it’s empty.”

Billy stared at her. “...you’re saying the victim is trans,” he said slowly, making sure he had it right, “—and the attempted murderer stole his dick.”

“What the hell,” Harrington breathed.

She raised her eyebrows, waving her arms in a dramatic shrug. “I have no idea! But go look, there’s another one in the bedroom—” she pointed, and then bent back to sweeping something into a tiny ziploc bag.

In the bedroom, Harrington pointed at the waist-to-hip sculpture of a man, used to demo, apparently, turquoise leather straps similar to the rainbow straps they could make out in the photos. This one had a securely-fitted glass dildo in it with a whole blown-glass coral reef inside. Harrington bent close to stare at the cock made of tiny jellyfish and anemones, while Billy took in the display on the dresser—a whole array of fancy condoms and butt plugs, with decorated stands, and nameplates.

“He must have used this stuff in videos,” Harrington said. “Like, you know, unboxing.”

“I think he probably filmed less taking them out and more more putting them in things,” Billy muttered, as Harrington snickered, and then waved at the small, rhinestoned pastry stand labeled ‘God <3 Fags’. It was empty.

He looked over to see whether Harrington had noticed the empty stand, but he was fiddling with his phone. “...doesn’t look like he had any nasty public messages, or anything,” he said, frowning. “I’ll look through his account when we get back—”

“I’m gonna see where he gets all these dildos,” Billy said, frowning at one with what looked like birthday candles, and ‘Ishaq 23rd’ floating inside. He pulled a drawer open, and found a few boxed vibrators, and a lot of lingerie. “Some of this stuff has to be custom. Maybe they’ll know which one got stolen.”

“Oh,” Harrington said, brightening. “Good idea!”

“You can call around,” Billy told him, and Harrington shot him a sideways glance that made Billy wonder if he was gonna be a shithead about his dad being the commissioner, but he just nodded. He dropped into a chair at a desk out on the floor like any other cop when they got back to the precinct, searching up both Ishaq Hill’s social media, and local sex shops.

Billy went to find coffee and gossip, avoiding the old guard—his father’s friends.

“Steve’s all right,” said Holland, another CSI he thought he could trust, since she was friends with Wheeler. She considered, crossing her arms. “Everybody figures he’ll be bad at the job, so he gets all the desk work, and he’s kind of obnoxious, but he’ll get down and dust vac a bloody trunk, if you need him to.”

Hagen in Vice sneered, and yelled for everyone to come say hey to Neil Hargrove’s son, back from rehab, and Billy turned on his heel and stalked back to his own department, his heart racing.

He returned to hand Harrington a vending machine coffee, and Harrington looked grateful, toasting him in the air as he talked on the phone. “No, ma’am, I’m not trying to make any trouble. No, it’s nothing like—” he groaned, leaning his head against the handset, then sipped his coffee, and hit redial. “Hey, I’m looking to buy custom, handmade dildos. I’ve got a—” he grimaced at the wall, screwed up his face in thought, and then shrugged, glancing at Billy, and grimacing as he sighed. “I’ve got a highschool ring I wanna put in a dildo. Uh, go 2011!” He listened. “Oh, you do? Oh, thanks so much,” he said, writing down a phone number, and mumbling more thank yous.

“What’d you get?” Billy asked.

“Just another store to try,” Steve muttered. He kicked the desk, and rolled a couple feet closer to hand the post-it note to Billy. “They don’t want to talk to me until I want a weird sex toy,” he said, flushing a little, but laughing. “I’ve looked for one with plastic dinosaurs in it, a butt plug with my old glass eye—”

Billy snorted his coffee, coughing as Harrington scrambled up to pat his back.

“I think one time I maybe said moose antlers,” he muttered, counting off on his fingers. “That one must think I’m pretty weird.”

“Not the eyeball one though,” Billy choked out, trying not to die. “The fake eye ass plug store thinks that’s normal as shit.”

“I just mean,” Steve said, blushing, and waving his arms in a vaguely antler-like shape from his head, “—moose antlers wouldn’t probably fit in my ass, you know?”

“Jesus H. Christ,” Billy gasped, wiping his eyes, leaned in to where Harrington had brought up Hill’s social media, and scrolled.

“What’s all this shit about the Westboro Baptist Church?” he asked.

Steve was mumbling and scribbling, and then he hung up. “Oh,” he nodded. “They’ve been spamming ‘God Hates Fags’ on all his sites. He’s been doing a big photoshoot with teasers, kind of...at them? He kept tagging them. It’s gone viral.” He held out his phone, and Billy was treated to a lock screen of their assault victim on his knees, arms out like he was singing, his glittery dick spurting a cartoon rainbow.

“...sorry, that’s not very professional,” Harrington said, grimacing, and yanking it back. “I’ll change it.”

“Did you see this at the crime scene?” Billy asked him, yanking his phone out and showing Harrington the spray-painted ‘GOD HATES F—’ he’d found on the wall.

“Holy shit,” Harrington said. “Eugh, imagine them knowing where you live. Shit, I didn’t even notice that.” He sighed, and Billy kicked his chair, lightly.

“Kinda busy walls in that place,” he pointed out, and Steve shot him a smirk.

“Hargrove!” a familiar voice yelled, and Detective Holloway ran up and gave Billy a hug. “You look so good!” she told him, and then nodded at Harrington, and smiled back at Billy. “We found the guy the date was with on Grindr. They’re bringing him in.”

It was nice to have somebody happy to see him, even if her face made him kinda uncomfortable, knowing she’d been the one to catch him drinking in the supply room after all the—after.

“Make him wait,” Billy said, considering. “I wanna go through the conversations on Grindr. He can work up some nerves first.”

“He’s ex-military,” she said, grimacing. “His CV says his last job was as a ‘fully armed and trained combat specialist’ who did security for diamond mines in war-torn areas. I don’t think you’re gonna make him nervous.”

“Eugh,” Harrington said, making a face. “I can see why that date didn’t go well. He probably dresses like a supervillain.”

Holloway’s look at him was a little withering, and he shut up, turning back to sit at his computer. “Lemme know if you need anything,” she told Billy, frowning into his face, and he pushed her shoulder away, quirking his mouth.

“...I’m okay,” he told her, and she didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t hug him again, at least.

“How are you doing?” Harrington asked, after she’d left, and after swallowing half the cup of coffee in one chipmunk-cheeked slurp. He wiped his mouth, blinking wide brown eyes up at Billy, and Billy groaned.

“Look, about what the captain—”

“I know the story,” Harrington said, tossing back the rest of the coffee like a bathtub drain. Billy reminded himself to make Harrington pee before they got in a car together, like a little kid on a road trip. “My dad’s the commissioner, I know the whole...thing,” he said, grimacing. “You shoulda got a commendation.”

“...he was a dirty cop,” Billy grunted, hunching his shoulders. “It’s our job to make sure—”

“Yeah, it is,” Steve agreed, nodding at his screen, and Billy relaxed a little, out from under the weight of sympathetic eyes. “It’s our job, but not everybody does it. And you knew what it was gonna be like.”

“I did,” Billy said, grimacing. “I thought I did.”

“Hey, they let me into Major Crimes for this,” Harrington laughed, unhappily. “Even if my police work isn’t up to scratch, they won’t try anything on you if I’m standing there.”

Billy watched him, and felt a kind of brotherhood, suddenly, looking at Harrington’s tight smile, and tense shoulders. “...police work’s been okay so far,” he said, and Harrington shot him a startled grin. “I’m gonna go...call the hospital,” Billy told him, suddenly needing to be somewhere else. “Maybe swing by and take a look at our victim.”

“Oh,” Harrington said, nodding.

Billy had a few more pictures of the harness sent over—Wheeler was right about what it was, at least—and then they brought the ex-military Grindr date in. He didn’t look that intimidating, actually—his huge biceps were flexed as he held kleenex over his nose, sneezing so hard every few feet he staggered, and he was wearing a t-shirt with a badly-designed logo for a Queer Youth Charity Marathon.

“Hey,” Harrington whispered, touching his shoulder just before they went inside. “Uh, there’s a lot of hate on there from the Westboro Baptist Church. Like, they were getting specific, said someone doxxed him.”

In the interrogation room, their person of interest sneezed so hard snot dangled from both his nostrils, like a drooly dog. Steve snorted a laugh, and walked off to lean against another detective’s desk—Carol’s, Billy thought.

“Can I bribe you for some of that kleenex?” he asked, leaning in like he was flirting on a movie poster, and Carol laughed out loud, and hit him with it.

“Take it and git,” she said, and Steve ran back, grinning.

“Here we go,” he said, handing one to Billy. “One for you, the rest of the box for him.”

“I didn’t even stay for the whole date,” said Braxton Haglund, 34 years old, dark haired and caucasian, with a tattoo Billy could see peeking from under the sleeve of his t-shirt. Haglund blew his nose, again, and the kleenex was so wet it made a noise as he dropped it against the table. “He’d left the windows all open. I walked up so many stairs—” he sneezed, miserably, several times, wadding handfuls of kleenex under his nose, and wiping his eyes.

“God,” he mumbled. “If I didn’t have hayfever, I’d probably still have been there when...whatever happened,” he said, between sneezes. His wide shoulders were hunched despairingly, and even Harrington had a sympathetic grimace. “Dunno if I’d have been much use, though.”

“Did you see anyone as you left?” Billy asked, and Haglund thought, taking deep breaths between blowing his nose.

“...nobody that stood out,” he said. “Some neighbors, maybe. Think I walked into somebody, once, my eyes were watering.”

He hadn’t seen anybody going in, either, so after they let him leave, Billy spent a while scrolling through all the victim’s media accounts. Harrington stayed doggedly on tracking down the dildo maker—Billy nearly felt sorry for him, except it was giving Billy such a good read on what to expect—and he was coming up with a continuous stream of weird sex toys to be in search of. “I’m an author,” he told one. “I want a dildo containing the pen I wrote my first book with.” He jotted down another number, called it, sighed, and tried again. “Uh, I want a dildo full of baby teeth—” he started, and then stopped, frowning at the phone. “They hung up,” he said, sounding betrayed.

“Wouldn’t you?!” Billy asked, smiling despite having to see comment after comment by the Westboro Baptist Church. He found further reasons to hate them, but nothing specifically actionable, so he finally stretched and grabbed his jacket. “I’m done for the day,” he called over the other empty desks.

“Go ahead,” Harrington said, frowning at the screen. “I won’t stay much longer. How the hell hard can this be, really?”

He was there before Billy the next morning, his jaw set, with dark shadows under his eyes. Billy detoured to the coffee machine first, and plonked it down in front of him, and Harington rewarded him with widening eyes, and then a bewildered stare.

“...thanks,” he said softly, then smirked up through a yawn. “Heard back from the arson investigators, and guess what? The fire looks accidental.” He bounced a little in his chair, and Billy wondered whether he was really into murder mysteries, or whether he was just trying to stay awake. “There was a pan on the stove, some kind of chocolate fondue, they think. Just caught fire, and with Ishaq unconscious, nobody turned off the stove.”

“...lucky bastard,” Billy said, grimacing, and Harrington raised his eyebrows.

“You think? Oh, also, guess what—I found her. Our dildo artist. She’s not all that local, but she did send me a few pictures of the dildos she’s made for our guy.”

“Had to track her down eventually,” Billy said, sipping his coffee, and then caught the way Harrington just bit his lips, his jaw tensing.

“Good job,” Billy told him, feeling a little...stupid, like he was praising a dog, but Harrington brightened, smirking up at him again.

Billy studied the printouts, as Harrington spun around on his chair, guzzling down coffee, and explaining his triumph. “She says that photoshoot that had the Westboro Baptist Church up in arms? Upcoming? Get this,” he said, getting up to lean over Billy’s shoulder. “—they’re pissed because our boy was staying at a hotel once with the new leader, Steven Drain. He pretended to be maid service, snuck in, and took the guy’s wedding ring, and made it into a dildo. He describes it as ‘surrounded by rainbow unicorn confetti and delicious queer flesh’. Our victim stole his wedding ring,” Harrington cackled, beaming. “I’m subscribing to his...everything.”

“Lemme see if any of these comments can be traced to Steven Drain,” Billy said, heading off to ask someone to do computer magic. Steve hopped up and came with him, which was kinda weird, but it was nice to walk down a hall without people shoulder-slamming him like he wasn’t there.

“Hate that he has my name,” Steve muttered, as they walked back. “Drain’s got restraining orders for beating up and threatening two young teenagers his daughter talked to, it’s on the public record. We could see what kinda injuries they had,” Harrington said. “...imagine taking down the whole Westboro church.”

“Wouldn’t that be nice,” Billy laughed, dropping into his own chair as Harrington got more coffee, then called around and discovered the assailants had both been right-handed.

“Get this,” he said excitedly, “—Steven Drain is in town. Gay soldier’s wedding, they’re planning to picket it and scream at his widower, you know, their whole thing, but he flew in the night before the assault.”

“We should talk to him,” Billy said, most of his brain on the photos of dildos and butt plugs.

“Can’t we just drop a piano on him?” Steve muttered, and Billy snorted, flicking back through, and trying to figure out what was bugging him about the dildos. There were lots of them, more than Billy’d seen in the victim’s room, and Billy stopped, squinting at his phone screen at one that looked like it was full of tiny antique coins. “...wait,” he muttered. “Where did you say she lived? Dildo lady?”

“Upstate,” Harrington told him, blinking up at him, as he held his pen on the list of neighbors he’d called to ask whether they’d seen anyone that looked like Steven Drain.

“I need to talk to Dildo Lady,” Billy announced, and Harrington blinked at him, then glanced at his screen and back to Billy, waiting. “...we should go talk to her,” Billy amended, and Harrington grinned, grabbing his jacket.

“Should we talk to Drain first?” he asked, “—since he’s local?”

“Let’s wait and see the CSI reports,” Billy told him. “We’ll be on a lot firmer ground if he clipped his nails after he clocked Ishaq Hill upside the head.”

“Hard to believe somebody that loud went down quietly,” Harrington said, nodding. “There’ll probably be hair or something. Even if he doesn’t wake up and tell us. I called this morning—he’s out of danger, it sounds like,” he said, grimacing, and Billy nodded.

“Nice if we can tell him it’s all handled, though,” he said, and Harrington laughed.

“That’s a definite yep.”

Billy led the way to the level where his car was parked, and then stopped.

His car had dead rats on it. He walked closer, and there was a scratch where somebody’d jimmied his window, and tossed more rats inside, and suddenly he longed for a drink.

“Shit,” Harrington said, putting an arm around his shoulders to steer him away, and whipping out his phone. “Yeah, hey—”

“Stop,” Billy hissed, grabbing for it. “You’ll just make it worse, don’t tell your fucking dad—”

“Wheeler,” Harrington said. “Mmm, yeah, you know you said you had some CSI training to do? I’ve got a, uh, little crime scene in the parking garage. Could you get your most annoying rookie to come down and—yeah. Yeah, blue Camaro, license plate PCE 235.” He listened for a long second, and then thanked her again, tucking his phone away.

“...shit,” Billy sighed, as Harrington manhandled him to a different car.

To his relief, Harrington didn’t say anything sympathetic. After a few minutes, driving at a snail’s pace through downtown traffic, he took a breath, and Billy’s hands twitched. “Huh,” Harrington said, glancing down, and then biting his lips in a cartoonishly intent face.

“...jesus, just say whatever it is,” Billy told him, snorting a laugh, and sipping his coffee.

“Sorry your dad is a bastard asshole shithead,” Harrington said, wincing, and Billy choked again, coughing and spluttering coffee down his shirt, but he hadn’t been able to laugh about it before, ever, and it felt good, even if he tried to breathe coffee, and couldn’t stop coughing.

When he could finally draw breath, he sighed contentedly, leaning his head against the window. “...he is, isn’t he,” he said.

“He is, and so are most of the officers he came up from the academy with,” Steve said, clenching his hands on the steering wheel. “My dad too. He didn’t—ugh.”

“What?” Billy asked, curious, suddenly, about Steve Harrington, instead of just the commissioner’s son.

“He didn’t want me to transfer,” Harrington muttered. “He said Major Crimes doesn’t need the dead weight. Hopper had to kinda go out on a limb. I fuck up and I’m kicked all the way down to traffic, I think.”

The thought that the commissioner had stepped in to help Billy, Detective Neil Hargrove’s son, had gotten Billy through some long nights in rehab. He drew a long breath, realizing he was even more alone than he’d thought. “...shit,” he said softly. His eyes stung.

“It’s fine,” Harrington said. “Hopper’s got your back. There are enough of us. I’ll lean on Hagen some, I think I can talk him around. It’s good you turned your dad in. You did a good thing, and everybody shit on you for it,” he growled, glancing over. “I’ve got your back. Jesus, man, don’t cry.”

“It’s the pollen,” Billy said thickly.

“Yeah, sure.”

“I have hayfever,” Billy hissed at him, rubbing his face.

The Dildo Lady looked about sixty, Pakistani probably, and wore a hijab. Her name was Faiza Khalol, and she was delighted to tell them about her work.

“Do you have any better pictures of these?” Billy asked her, showing her the one with the coins in it. “Or could you describe them?”

She could, as it turned out—and even better, when she’d asked about them, Hill had given her one, and she handed Billy a tiny silver coin which, after some googling, he thought might be an Athenian drachma.

“Oh,” she whispered, her brows drawing together. “Um, is it valuable?”

“I have no idea,” Billy told her, but flicked to another picture. “But these are, I think.” The clear butt-plug was full of greyish crystals, with a huge one where it would show.

“I didn’t see these in his dresser,” Harrington said, leaning in warmly against him, and Billy annoyed himself by shivering.

“No. These are uncut diamonds, I think.” Faiza and Harrington gasped satisfyingly, and Billy grinned. “Ishaq Hill stole more than a wedding ring, I think. We’ve had the wrong motive.”

“Braxton Haglund guarded diamond mines,” Harrington breathed. “He’d probably recognize them. Did Ishaq post pictures with these?”

“He always put up pictures of my latest work,” Faiza said, covering her mouth in horror. “Do you think…”

“I think we better talk to Braxton Haglund again,” Billy said, reveling in Harrington’s impressed grin.

“You’ve got duthing on be,” Haglund gasped, blowing his nose miserably. “You gan’t brove I saw ‘s pictures. You gan’t brove anything.”

Billy tried to parse that for a long second, and then, for Harrington, who looked bewildered, said, “Oh, that’s not all we have. Have you wondered,” he said, turning to his partner, who grinned back, “—how anyone could come in to Ishaq Hill’s apartment, clonk him from behind with a dick sculpture, then search his apartment, and not notice he’d left chocolate heating on the stove? Chocolate burns fast,” he said, raising his eyebrows at Haglund. “How did you not notice the smell?”

“His hayfever,” Harrington breathed, his eyes widening at Billy as his cheeks flushed, and Haglund slammed his fist on the table, opened his mouth to yell, and then stopped to blow his nose, and sneeze.

“Also while you were waiting,” Billy told Haglind with satisfaction, “—we searched your apartment. The warrant judge was convinced by our diamond-and-hayfever argument, and guess what we found?”

Haglund’s eyes widened in horror, and his back thudded against his chair as Billy shot Harrington a grin, and Harrington smirked back. “Good job framing a hate group for the crime,” Billy said, his grin widening, “—but why were Ishaq Hill’s dildos on the table in your front room?”

The other Harringrove April prompts I’ve done

#Harringrove April #harringrove #Ridiculous #Billy and Steve like each other more than they thought #=D

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griffintail · 3 years

Text

Im sorry guys I literally have no where else to vent to. This is just random bullshit I want to scream at my exfriend right now.

Trigger warnings.

Did you ever care how I felt? Did you ever think about how I said things like yanderes and rape freaked me out? That I felt uncomfortable every time we did an rp with those subjects.

Before you even say I asked for yanderes it was to try and see what you saw but I just freaked myself out more and you always coddled me with it!

I hated all of it and I told you that I hated it but you always asked for more! My consent was always taken away!

And when we RPed, I always felt like it was for only you. We said we'd do two separate ones, one for you and one for me. We'd start mine...then it would just fucking disappear! We'd do yours! Yours would always be more independent! Mine would always be rushed! It was always yours that was on top! It was always yours that was never forgotten!

And did you care when I'd talk to you about how I felt? You always said you did but it never felt like it because when I'd try to talk about my problems FOR ONCE! I'd still some how be listening to yours. Id still hear about your mom and work and this and that. I listend but did you ever listen to mine?

I was depressed and didn't leave my bed or eat. I cried my eyes out, screaming in terror because I was scared because it was never that bad before. I wanted someone there. I begged you to be there because I thought you'd understand...but you didn't answer anything. Text calls pleads. I was scared and alone. Hell I walked into work because I had to go and took one step in the door, no one even spoke to me before I just started crying because I just couldn't exsist in that moment.

I was always there for you. Where were you when I needed you the most?

We always did what you guys wanted to do. I always bought stuff for you! But did you guys ever offer to pay for something for me, did you ever ask what I wanted to do? No. You simply asked more from me and I drowned. You still owe me money too! So have fun with my money. Have fun with the hours and days you stole from me. Have fun with everything I ever gave you. It wasn't worth it.

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numbaoneflaya · 3 years

Note

Hiii can I get 3,14,15, and 16 for Felria and 1, 17, and 18 for Valkya? And 19 for both if you're feeling up to it? <3

3. How did you choose their name?

I have noooo remembrance I just. Thought it sounded pretty? I think it was originally something much longer but I cut it down to be simpler and suit her better

14. If you had to narrow it down to 2 things that you MUST keep in mind while working with your OC, what would those things be?

-she is very friendly and easy to like, able to get along with anyone by changing her performance to suit them. Most only know her as a sweet and giggly girl, not too bright but kind and gentle.

-Shes a self serving, manipulative and sadistic actress who delights in deceiving others, more than anything relishes the look of betrayal and realization when someone realizes the giggly little simple minded girl is the one flaying the skin from their bones.

15. What is something about your OC can make you laugh?

Imagining martin septims reaction when they realize why she was arrested (dead body bangin). She has an entire sob story planned on how she was a “poor orphan child who had to kill off bandits to save her sick mother and got caught by the guard who roughed her up and stole her family heirloo-” and hes like “so i heard you had relations with a corpse :/” and shes like “ :/ >:/ u ruined the fun”

16. What is something about your OC can make you cry?

Its not ALL her fault shes like this, she was raised in a daedric cult for mephala when she was very young. Her adoptive mom killed her real mom and dad and took her in when she saw a “spark” in her, she now considers her parents murderer to be more a parent than her real ones, even though she and her “mom” have a playful relationship where they constantly gaslight manipulate and try to murder the other one for fun to see who “wins”.

19. What is your favorite fact about your OC?

Shes a nasty blood drinking dead body bangin sadistic little thotty with a phat ass. She only worships the night mother, sithis and mephala. When shes drunk her vampire fangs give her kind of lisp and she reverts to her morrowind dialect so people are like “what in the name of fuck are you saying”

-----------

Valkya

What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.)?

I remember when I started ESO i had never played a nord in game before so i was like, im gonna make the biggest, most nordy nord to ever exist. And so she was born

17. Is there some element you regret adding to your OC or their story?

Not a lot, but sometimes I regret making her have like 14 siblings and an extended family that breed like rabbits bcs i get them all confused AF. i know she has a hard time remembering too gdfgsdf

18. What is the most recent thing you’ve discovered about your OC?

The dark stuff she wears around her eyes to look cool during battle isnt warpaint most of the time. Its not even eyeshadow. She just takes dirt and blood and whatever shit she can find and smudges it around her eyes. Shes dumb

19. What is your favorite fact about your OC?

Hgdfhgd she fucks everything that moves. She cant go a whole day without flirting with someone, she doesnt even realize shes doing it it just comes naturally. I mean yeah it goes hand in hand w the hero thing; if a giant, big titty super strong warrior woman came in and carried me out of danger while fighting my enemies, id probably fuck her too. It makes for good drama bcs a lot of the time shes on her way a few hours later and theres a lot of pining hearts out there. Valkya simp club

#THANK YUOP BELOVEDS...#ocs #valkya #felria #fel and val: evil hoe vs stupid hoe. fight

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theravencawsatmidnight · 4 years

Text

Sold pt 4

Summary. Female reader is baught by Dabi and he is not what she expected

You still had the thoughts about the add running around in youre head. You wanted to know what it said . What twisted things youre father put on it . You squeezed Dabis shirt and he looked down from the tv to see youre eyes shut tightly and youre arm twitching. He moved his hand from behind his head laying it on youre shoulder, lightly warming his palm and rubbing his fingers all around youre skin till you stopped shaking . His other hand dug his ciggaret in his ashtray, he curled up around you going to sleep.

In the morning Dabi woke up first , he sat up stretching with his knees up . He looked out the window watching the sun come up a little more. You felt around the bed not feeling anything, you opened youre eyes to see Dabi sitting up lighting a new ciggarete, blowing smoke out the window.

“Smoking is bad for you..”

He smiled blowing more smoke out the window .”lots of things are bad for me puppy, id say this is pretty low on the list.”

You sat up rubbing youre eyes while you talked. “Whats the first thing on the list?”

“The Pro Heroes are my number one.”

He felt a hand on his back and youre chest . You must still be sleepy because you rubbed youre chest on him. He purred looking back to watch you. You were cute when you woke up, so innocent .

“Any plans today puppy?” He asked looking out the window again.

“Uhm.. laundry. Because who knows the last time you washed these blankets and sheets”

“Gotta go to the laundry mat then.”

You looked at his sleepy smiling face. “Seriously..”

“Yep.” He made a kiss face at you .

“Fine.. what are you doing?”

“Villain stuff.”

“Oh how scary” you waved youre hands around getting out of bed and going down to the restroom to shower.

“Just for that you can wash clothes too puppy”

“Then get it all ready for me! .. please.” You closed the restroom door

Dabi chuckled slipping his smoke in his mouth and getting out of bed . He stripped it and dunked the sheets and clothes into a bag zipping it. He left soon after.

•••

When you got out of the shower and dressed the studio was empty and a basket of laundry was waiting for you. You rolled youre eyes slipping the bag on youre shoulder then staring at the bag of money.

“..........”

You kneeled down looking at the very big stack of money all taped up so nice and neatly . Youve never seen so much money. Scoffing you grabbed a 20 and left the studio to go to the laundry mat.

•••

At the hideout Dabi was sitting at the bar with Toga who was asking so many questions about you. Youre favorite color, youre hair color, youre favorite food. Dabi only knew a few answers and that was not good enough for her she he offered to just bring you by.

“REALLY!!!” She jumped out of her seat

“Is that okay Mop Head?” Dabi asked looking over his shoulder at his Leader who was playing his Switch on the couch.

“I dont care.” He said not looking up.

“Yep really” Dabi answered

Toga was so excited she couldint form words. Dabi got out of his seat going to the door with Toga following.

“What are we doing today!” She asked skipping

“Setting things on fire, Setting UA on fire”

“Good luck” Shigaraki said

“Come with us Mop Head”

“Yeah Please Tomura!!!!”

Shigaraki put his Switch down and followed the two out all huffy, his arms folded over his chest.

•••••

Meanwhile you were at the laundry mat playing on youre phone . Well not exactly playing. It had no games and was a flipping flip phone . It did have everyone in the Leagues contacts though. You were curious as to why you needed everyones numbers though. Youre stomach growled and you groaned kicking youreself . You didint bring enough money for food..

You crossed youre arms staring at the dryer. Almost done. Suddenly everyone ran out if the laundry mat and you looked out the big window to see a crowd pointing to the right. You sat on youre knees turning around to see fire trucks zooming past and Pro Heroes rushing by .

“UA is on fire!!!” Someone said.

You blinked getting up looking out the door to see just that. The hill was in flames and everything was catching fire. Blue fire you might add. You shook youre head and went back inside to gather the laundry into youre bag . You were about to leave when you saw everyone left their bags in the laundry mat.

Quickly you checked the crowd and tip toed to everyones bags taking the money out of their wallet.

“....miiiineee...” you sneaked out going to the grocery store.

You got home first . With food and clean everything . You put the food away first. You had no idea what this man ate but if he didint like it he didint have to eat it.

Next you made the bed , which was a chore. The ned was to heavy and you had to pull it to the side to get the sheet on. When you got the sheet on something slipped put from under it . It looked like a paper . You threw the blanket on the bed and kneeled downing picking the paper up reading it. Youre heart sank.

F/n l/n

Female . 19

Highest payer

Quirkless

Virgin

Phone number

And a photo of you

You stood up shaking in youre skin. The paper fell from youre hands and you held youreself trying to pretend this wasint happening.

Dabi came home soon after funny enough. He had a annoyed look on his face. Guess his plan failed. He saw you holding youreself sitting on the bed and went over sitting with you.

“You ok puppy?” He put his arm around you and you flinched. He blinked watching youre face, you looked terrified.

“Puppy...?”

“The add..” you pointed with a shaky hand.

He looked and shot up cursing . He grabbed the paper setting it on fire. Turning it into nothing in his hand.

“Why do you still have that..”

“Because i forgot to get rid of it “ he didint turn to face you.

“So you know im a..”

“Do you think that matters?” He snapped making you flinch looking up at him. He turned to face you. “Do you think i bought you to just pop so innocent girls cherry?”

You rubbed youre eyes shaking youre head, crying lightly. Dabi rolled his eyes going to you wrapping his arms around you causing you to fall back with him on you.

“I baught you because i wanted to give you a better life, ive told you this puppy. “

“I know..”

“Good. Tomorrow we are going to the League to hang out.”

“Ok..” you dug youre fingers in his hair and he groaned squeezing you. “I bought food..”

“How much money did you take?” He asked looking up seeing youre slightly happy face.

“I stole.. money from the laundry mat.. everyone was distracted so..” you blushed

Dabi laughed loudly and pulled you ontop of him wiping youre eyes. “Thats my good little puppy”

•••

/ @bat-eclecticwolfbouquet-love . Some Shiggy ♥️

#MasterDabi #dabi x reader #dabi todoroki #touya todoroki

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cnc-hoebayb · 5 years

Text

Dumb dad things the boys would be caught doing

Zabdiel

-super casual and simple but like

-Hed totally get caught just pushing your kid over

-Like he doesn’t know you saw so when your little boy just plops down and starts whining you just “why’d you do that?”

-And he plays it off “i didn’t do anything wym”

-“Zabdiel i literally just saw you push our son”

-He shrugs

-“I think he kinda deserved it”

-DESERVED IT

-bc he was in his bubble apparently ur kid deserved it. Valid

-probably would get caught having a full convo with your son too

-not even about fun cute kid stuff either, it’s about things he needs to remember to do, telling him a story about something douchey someone did on tour

-Thats just very Zabdi, long deep thought out talks with his bb son about life even though he can’t understand

-K but something dangerous but not really

-Zabdiel is kinda aloof sometimes rigjt

-and is big gentle man giant

-So i see him as doing something like letting your toddler climb him literally like a tree when he’s bored and while Zab is busy on the phone or doing something important and just can’t handle it rn

-example

-Hes multitasking big time while you’re gone

-He needs to be on this call right now, but has to start making dinner and cleaning some little messes here and there

-Your son is begging for attention that he just can’t give

-so he does what any dad would do and just picks him up to ease him

-And after awhile ur kid gets kinda restless, starts climbing dad like a play thing

-he climbs up and down his torso, on his head, jumping back onto him from the counter when Zabdi sets him down for a second

-Which is valid given Zabdiel can handle it and can take care of his kid, but...

-it’s not the best sight to see walking in the door to your family with your son next to a hot stove top, plunging himself off to dangle off of your baby daddies stiff arm

Erick

-Youre driving home from work/school after a long day

-You pull into your neighborhood and on the corner of your street you spot it

-Your child

-On a baby leash

-in somEONES YARD

-rolling around in the leaves

-Erick just laughing and encouraging

-and you honk at them from your view in your car and when he sees you

-He starts laughing even harder

-Totally catch him one night playing with your kid in his room

-and as you peek in you see them just hangin, playin and all of a sudden your son snatches a plastic Dinosaur rigjt out of Ericks hands

-and Erick really sadly “heeeyy- i was playing with that 😞”

-Hed start fake crying

-Your son gets sad too and starts actually crying

-“lo siento, daddy im really sorry” in between sobs (also imagine that voice and ur lil boy with a lisp)

-Erick panics

-“aahh esta bien, niño. Let’s play with the Dino together.”

-Holds your little boy in his lap and they play together

-You cry happy tears a lil bit in the hallway

-Erick is also still like a child so this is 100% truth:

-Would get caught actually genuinely arguing with your son

-Theyre yelling at each other (your son in baby toddler babbles), and Erick is heated heated

-“que está pasando niños??” You try to gauge the situation immediately

-“he stole my last ice cream sandwich i hid in the fridge!!”

-You want to yeLL

-“Erick...”

-he glares at your son, who revolts with a tongue sticking out and arms crossed

-“you think you’ll get away with it, huh? Cuz ur cute,” he argues with him and you have to actually talk him down from his stubbornness

-“i was saving it for later today :(( “ he whines as you pull him in like you would your baby for a comforting “its ok” hug

Joel

-You’d be in the kitchen

-Come out into the living room to ask Joel to get ur little baby ready to eat

-And you catch him deadass recording your baby crying on the floor, a pile of toys around her

-“bro tf”

-“She was dancing and fell into her toy box”

-“Then whY you recording ?”

-“.....bc it was funny 😔”

-Would also do your daughters hair himself sometimes and dress her

-And you know he knows what he’s doing

-But like he also forgets she’s a baby too

-You have to remind him your daughter really shouldn’t be using his grown man curl products just yet

-or that she can’t wear a shirt that says “fuck” in it

-and she is definitely not wearing a bandana like that to picture day

-teaches your kid how to thirst trap !!

-this hoe!

-catch them both in the bathroom mirror one day, he’s shirtless, lil cute baby girl in his arms

-and she’s serving !!

-Like duh she’s your guys’ kid so she’s beautiful n shit but

-she’s posing and tilting her head in the right angles in this cute lighting (bc daddy taught her to find her perfect angle)

-He shrugs like “what’d you expect, we’re hot stuff” and smirks

Richard

-Openly and unapologetically teaching your kid how to say bad words

-and recoRDING IT

- to POST on his insta

-also would get caught scripting a whole thing for her to perform for the camera

-convinces her that the reason his hair is red is bc he drank all of his juice mommy gave him instead of spilling it out for the dog to drink

-your kid chugs down that juice like her life depends on it so she can have red hair like papi too

-tells her stories that the snacks she wants to eat before dinner make you scream and that’s why she shouldn’t eat them before dinner

-convinces her by shoving his mouthful of potato chips and immediately starts screaming to prove his point

-ur kid laughs but is also kinda terrified

-gets caught reading her stories and getting reallyyyy into it

-like acting and doing dramatically different voices for the characters

-Does the Joel thing and just dresses her head to toe in ICE like the most expensive jewelry and clothes

-kinda salt bc you don’t even dress like that

-have to stop her before you send her to school bc you know she’s gonna lose one of those expensive necklaces in the sand box or something

Christopher

-Another instance where you’re driving home alone

-Whipping down the street to see your toddler running down the sidewalk a few blocks away happily

-You flip and swerve over to park on the side of the street bc wtf ! Your kid !!

-But as soon as you park you see him

-Its Chris sprinting just as fast, frantically too

-Finally catches up with your kid and swoops her up in his arms with a relieved breath

-You roll down your window slowly

-“You pretty lil things need a ride home?” You yell out and when he looks up to see you caught him he’s dEAD

-also teaches your daughter how to cuss and cackles so hard bc it’s funny to hear her call each of her uncles “puto”

-id see something happening like

-You walk out of the room for one second during dinner and when you come back it’s food fight chaos

-Chris and your kid are racing to see who can eat the fastest but also there’s food flying everywhere bc they’re trying to distract one another and win

-lil baby hits Chris in the eye with a fistful of eggs (in this scenario it’s breakfast for dinner thx) and then he counters the hit by throwing his whole pancake at her face

-also gets caught playing dress up a little too good

-You glimpse in her room and she’s painting his nails, slapping on some gross little kid lipgloss all over his face

-and all the while Chris is smiling and acting like a pretty lady, flipping his hair around and batting his lashes all nice

-they spew some chisme back and forth, sip fake tea, and do cute model walks down the room

-You take secret pictures of the event for later blackmail

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cybernightwanderer · 4 years

Text

“ My Reiki and Yoga New Free Soul Brother - Once an abuser manipulative thieve , money driven leach “

Well thats a big tittle to describe one person entirely. So my ( midle ) brother across my kid years and then teenager developing to adult, my brother was an interesting person. For example, in school my brother would pretend he didnt know me , and if i even dared to aproach him he would shame me in front of everyone, even thought they already knew i was his sister, i was bullied a lot in school so at the start i tried a few times reaching out to him , specially because i didnt have any friends and id always be alone. This motherfucker who was already a teenager completly dismissed me , BUT would actually seek me out or talk to me when he needed lunch money because he already “ spent his”, funny enough hed get mine to eat coz he didnt wanna use his, and if i didnt gave him even though i hadnt eaten , he would guilty me badly , and being the kid that i was , my brother was everything to me , even tho he didnt gave a shit about me.

So in consequence i started drawing a distance line between me and him, at home id start to distance myself and ignore him. And he started getting like a really attention whore, hed always annoye me , and force me to hangout, and i didnt he would threaten me or do some shit at the house and blame me for it , because my mother at the tinniest shit at home would beat the crap out of me , so me being the little kid that i was tired of getting beatings for no random reason , id play along. My brother would literally antagonzie me and scare the shit out of me while so. Everytime my family went anywhere , for example the beach, id try to go to the water alone for some peace this motherfucker would sneak behind me and try to drown me as a joke , like every 5 minutes, id yell in panic and my mom wouldnt do shit, eventually id end up actually chocking on water and hit my head on the sand and cry the rest of the time. So yeah FUN ! Did my mom do anything ? ofc no , “ hes just playing around “. I had BD collections that id buy with my lunch money that sometimes id save up, disney movie cassettes and so on. Sometimes id have snacks in my room to eat when studying or something. My brother, being a full grown ass teenager that he was , would steal everything without me even catching a glimpse of it. My brother would “ borrow “ things without asking then hide them because he wanted. I had two final fantasy collectible caracters that i spent my leftover bday money on, and my brother would take it as his own. Yes because whatever birthday money i got wether it be 50 euros or even 20 from my grandma or aunt, my mom would take it “ borrowed” for herself with no justification, shed always say “ Ah lend me i need it / or / I always buy you clothes and everythings, i buy you food , you owe me this , thats the minimum you could do / “ or / she would just take it without me knowing , she would inspect my bday gifts and take it before hand , the problem is that my grandma or aunt would always after if i was gonna save it up and id ask what and they would question what i did with the money and i would ask what money and blah blah , you get where this is going.

OH and if i didnt give my money the money she would beat me up ! wich is funny asf. My brother literally sold all my things behind my back, my original BDS, MY FUCKING POISON IVY STORYLINE BD, my disney cassetes , my collectibles, and my snacks he would steal and eat. If i had saved up money hidden, first he would try to borrow it and guilty me with the “ im such a good brother to you , you cant even lend me money ? i will pay you back, trust me “ ... ofc he never payed me back , but every two weeks he woul do this shit. And if i by any chance didnt gave him , hed just steal, or sell my things, wich regardless of me lending him , he would do it anyway. Fast forward to my early teenage years, i had to start working , i quit school because we entered that internet deth with my moms company, wich my brother also contributed to but let the blame to me ofc, i was already the punch bag of the family what is one more thing. My brothers were always my moms “ babies “ even tho one was already a full grown ass man and the other was already on his way. My brother did nothing at home , didnt take the dog outside, didnt take out the trash, didnt make food, didnt wash the dishes, didnt clean the house, basicly sit on his ass all day playing video games and eating, and selling my shit for money. My brother was unemployed for 3/4 years in between those i studied and worked at the same time , and did all the house chores, even if i had to walk the dog as 2/3 am after work i would have to, even tho my brother was in bed all day. My mom would literally yell at me and make my life a living hell and threaten to hit me if i didnt do it or even dared to complain. I would get home trying to study , trying to recorver at school ,and she would yell non stop until i didn every house chore, wich i would only manage to finish at midnight or later, and then id be too tired and unmotivated to do anything so id just sleep, and id always get late to class thanks to that. When my brothers started working, it was at my dads wearehouse, where i was forced to work too. Id work 8 to 10 hours , sometimes more, because we got payed by publicity stock packs, each pack was worth 1 euro, wich also 1 pack took 1 hour and 15/20 minutes to make. So if i wanted to make the day worth anything i had to rush , no eating breaks or pee breakes. My hands at the end of the day would literally be filled with newspaper and printed paper ink and dirk, and tons of cuts and sores , that would be leeched in paper ink, wich make it hurt even more at the end of the day, and was really hard to take it out. My brother would take breaks every 30 minutes to smoke , be on his phone or even go to bathroom or eat randomly, i wouldnt stop the 8 hours straight, and when i actually had to go to the bathroom or eat something because id get sick, my brother literally stole packs from me, or try to “ negociate my help for X “, the thing about my brother is that hed always try to negociate something , ofc it was always entangled for his own benefit and not both.

So it was like this my brother came up to me all excited and say “ oh if you do this to help me , ill split the profit that way we will make more and will be less exausting “ stupid like i was id always give in, specially because if i didnt hed steal anyway.... Hed always change his methods and works, and guilty me if i didnt do it, so id always have to do so. If i didnt hed just change the pack registration list either way, without me even seeing it, and fake my signature, i only found out we had to sign an official paper a few months later when my dad asked, before that my brother would always tell me to note them on my phone then send the numbers by the end of the week, and since he was the bosses son , every one backed up that story ofc. Eventually when i started to get older , i cut ties with my brothers and dad. And my ( midle ) brother was constantly trying to reach out and play nice and shit , also he was still working at the wearhouse . Anyway , fast forward when i got unemployed after the 5 star hotel due to rape attent and shit like that, i was unemplyoyed for 4 moths?! My brother tried to reach out , and even came home before my mother to try and persuade me to enter one of his schemes, i explained to my brother that i didnt have any money and that i wouldnt believe anymore of his stupid schemes and blah blah. He swore he was only trying to make up to me , and the plan was , i would pretend to work at my dads wearehouse, but i would just be there 2 times a week and he would give me a cut of the protfit, coz if he didnt want my dad to hire some random slow guy, so he set up to do a two persons work, and give me 30 % of the monthy rate and all i had to do is show up a few times for my dad to see i was there, and then go home. That motherfucker insisted for 3 days straight promissing it wasnt a scheme and that he was serious this time. OBVIOUSLY THAT DIDNT HAPPEN OBVIOUSLY- with the last 10 euros i had, i bought train tickers to the wearhouse, the first week he actually stick to his word, a few days later the shit started, he actualy forced me to deliver shit and stuff. Wich for me was really difficult because its when i started to develop hernias, and the pain was too overwhealming, and that fucker didnt care and still forced me to, eventually i told him i was out , and found out he still used my name in his shit plan and pretended i was still working there to my dad for two whole months , and then begged me to lie to my dad on the phone, hed literally call me before my dad trying to get me to lie, and promissing the money, and hed ask my mom to pressure my to help him. What could i do??!! what happend after you may ask? did my brother gave me the money? OFC NO ! NO! He gave me 115 euros of the cut , and he made 996 euros to himself. And told me it was only for the days “ i actually worked “ NEVER IN MY LIFE I VERBALLY EVER SAID TO ANYONE , FAMILY OR NOT “ I hope you die, you are shit , you are nothing to me , seriously i hope you die “ and acually meant it and wished it. For the first time in my life i actually wished so hard for my brother to just die. I was done, i was officialy done , i had never been so done with someone. I was officialy done with my family. I blocked my dad on everything, i told my dad to fuck off. I told my older brother to fuck off. I told my middle brother to go die. And the last person was my dying grandma who was a snob ass piece of shit who only gave a shit about me when i was a little girl ( because its only cute when they r kids ), to stop trying to call me and told her to just go and die. She literally sent me a voice message of 5 minutes crying beggin me to see her, and i just told her to go and die, its not because she is dying that is gonna erase the fact that she didnt gave a shit about me after i actually grown. And the fact that i did this apparently scared the shit out my dad and brothes, specially because i did it so naturally. AND TO THIS DAY I DONT REGRET WHAT I SAID AND I STILL DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HER. OH AND PLOT TWIST SHES NOT DEAD NOR WAS SHE DYING, LAST YEAR SHE TRIED TO SCHEME MONEY OUT OF MY MOM, AND BEFORE THAT SHE WOULD ALWAYS TREAT MY MOM LIKE SHIT AN CALL HER NAMES, FUNNY ! Now they try to sneak into my life really AGAIN ... ffs Since the end of last year, apparently my brother turned into reiki and yoga and shit and is now driving a motivational fuck page for people who wanna “ grow spiritually and open the third eye “ and is trying to reconnect with me again, obviously i cut him off before he could even talk to me. So he spent 3 months or so , coming here and trying, and since he didnt get anything since january and february hes trying to manipulate me behind my mother, my mother is venting to my brother about me being closed off to them , and my brother is DIAGNOSING ME AS A PROBLEM, BECAUSE HE IS SO WISE AND ENLIGHTED... WTF??? diagnosing me??? ur not a fucking therapist you asshole ! The other day i heard him tell my mother in the living room , that “ SHE CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ITS VERY TOXIC FOR HER, SHE HAS TO TALK TO YOU AND BE A BETTER SISTER AND DAUGHTER SHE NEEDS TO BLAH BLAH YOU NEED TO KICK HER OUT IF SHE IS LIVING OFF YOU “ WHAT THE FUCK?? im living off my mother?? the woman that forced me to give her more than half of my paycheck, thats doesnt give me privacy or respect and that literally threatned me if i ever tried to leave that she would chase me down???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR SEND ME TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL????!!!! ... My older brother is doing the same, keeps trying to get me to go visit his kid, and to meet his kid, keeps trying to get my mother to see pictures of the kid or to call them. They keep trying to guilty me “ oh you cant take it out on the kid, its not the kids fault , he needs to know his aunt, you are his family “ BITCH FAMILY?????? FAMILY??? family doesnt mean shit. Yesterday even sent photos of his kid trought a new number LOL. I actually did went to the kids birthday, first time a few months ago, and guess what , my brother still the NO ONE ASKED- OPINIONATED asshole he was about my whole life, he literally takes one glimpse of me and judges my whole life and starts yelling shit at me ...ofc thats not gonna happend again. People dont change. People. dont. change. PEOPLE DONT CHANGE ! BITCH ?? WHAT? WHO THE FCK?? HOW THE FUCK??? In conclusion my brother is still the same piece of shit he was , and now even more narcisistic, and manipulative, he cant get what he wants from me , so now hes resourting to my mother again. I NEED TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE, I NEED TO LEAVE THIS FAMILY OMFG. Funny enough he does this shit then tries to get me to go to his house to celebrate his birthday because he “ MISSES ME AND THE OLD DAYS” ???? OLD DAYS OF YOU MENTALY ABUSING ME ? NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU ALMOST BROKE MY ARM BECAUSE I WOULDNT LEND YOU MY COMPUTER 3 YEARS AGO????? my mom literally told him we were gonna go there without even asking me if i wanted or even if i was gonna go. LOL, shes trying to emotionally manipulate me with older pictures of me and him , and games we would play together LOL. OMFG PLEASE SOME ONE, I DONT EVEN KNOW I NEED TO DIE OMFG... I CANT TAKE THIS FAMILY ANYMORE.

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spine-buster · 5 years

Text

Alone, Together | Chapter 11 | Morgan Rielly

A/N: If you’d like to see a face claim for Briony, send me a message and I will send you a pic.

Another thing people have started doing is asking questions about Morgan and Bee’s relationship - the stuff you don’t see in the chapters. If you have questions about canon, please send me an ask and I’ll answer it. There’s a tag for this: morgan and briony canon

Line breaks also mysteriously disappeared because Tumblr is Tumblr so I guess the stars will have to do to denote a change in scene.

For the first time in a while, Briony was happy.

It wasn’t that she was ever depressed. Most of the time, she was too busy and too driven to feel any other emotion besides determination. The need to get shit done without giving it much thought. She just didn’t have the luxury to feel anything else. Classes still stressed her out, she still hated marking first year undergraduate essays, and she was still poor as fuck. But she was happy. Unapologetically happy.

It was a combination of things. Morgan, obviously, played a pretty big role in it all. She didn’t think she could be this happy in a relationship, judging by her past ones, but it was possible with Morgan. She was doing well in her courses and maintaining a high GPA – she even aced that behavioural economics assignment – and her professors had agreed to be her references and put in a good word for her job applications to the “Big Five” banks. Mason’s various funding grants had been accepted, which meant his PhD was going to continue to be fully funded. Angie had gotten a promotion at Indigo head office, which meant she was pushing less paper and directing others to push the paper she was no longer pushing. Angie also moved up a pay grade, which was always nice. She’d finished watching Schitt’s Creek with Morgan and they had moved on to Kim’s Convenience. The Leafs were playing really well. Morgan had even set a new record for the best five game start by a defenseman in the modern era, passing Bobby Orr, and he was set to shatter all expectations this season. They had celebrated accordingly.

Everything just seemed to be working out.

Even tonight. It was a Wednesday but Bee had done enough schoolwork to be able to attend the Leafs game against the San Jose Sharks. She was glad she did, because the boys ended up winning 5-3, with John and Auston getting two goals each. The team had played really well, and although at some points it looked like the Sharks were going to catch up, Fred put up his wall.

After the final buzzer rang and the stars of the night were announced, fans began to file out of the arena. It became a routine for Bee to file out with the wives and wait in the employee area, near the locker room, where they boys would meet them. She followed Aryne and Christina as the continued to discuss her exam schedule, Christina making sure the Christmas party the Marleau family were hosting didn’t interfere with her schedule.

As Morgan drove through the streets of Toronto, on his now familiar route to Briony’s apartment before he’d turn around and go back to his, he kept her hand clasped in his and in his lap. He would look over to her at red lights, and she’d catch him and smile and laugh, embarrassed, but he’d just do it again at the next light. The Leafs were going on a roadtrip for a week, to Minnesota and Buffalo, so he wanted to make sure he got a good look at her before he left. Not that he didn’t look at her enough.

“Can you drop me off at the Metro at Spadina, actually?” she said as they passed College Street. “I need to pick up some groceries I ran out of.”

“Can’t wait till tomorrow?” he asked.

She shook her head. “I need milk for my coffee. You know how I think coffee is too bitter without milk.”

He smiled. He learned that early. She made fun of him for how much sugar he put in his, whereas she had weaned off it in the past year. “Okay, fine. I can wait for you.”

“No no no, you go home and you go to bed,” she said. “You need your rest. Metro is like a three minute walk from my apartment. I’ll be okay.”

“Briony.”

“I’ll be okay,” she repeated, squeezing his hand.

When Morgan finally got to Metro, he pulled up to the curb and put his car in park. Briony gathered her bag and made sure nothing fell out before looking at him. He leaned over the centre console, giving her light kisses. There were many, and only stopped when Briony began to giggle from all of them.

“I’m gonna see you tomorrow right? Before I leave for the road trip?”

“Of course,” she nodded her head, and Morgan leaned in for another kiss. And another. And another.

“I’m gonna go now,” Briony whispered in between one.

“No.”

She laughed, pulling away. “Bye Morgan.”

“One more.”

She digressed. She leaned in one more time and he kissed her, making sure his tongue grazed her bottom lip to leave her wanting more. When she pulled away, she slapped his forearm playfully. “Tease.”

“You’re one to talk.”

She gave him a look, opening the door before climbing out. “Drive safe,” she called before slamming it shut. He watched as she walked in, and watched until he couldn’t see her in the store anymore. Licking his lips, he put his car in drive.

***

As Morgan settled into his bedroom, he rushed to take off his suit and change into an old t-shirt he was using as his pajamas. He felt so lazy that he didn’t even hang his suit or fold his pants properly – he just left them flat on the chair before walking into his ensuite to brush his teeth lazily before bed. Eventually, he plugged in his phone, climbed into bed, and wrapped the covers around him.

He checked his phone one more time. His lock screen, a picture of Briony sitting on his lap as they both smiled at the camera, opened up to his background: a picture of him and Briony from the fall. They had gone for a walk in Trinity Bellwoods and had stopped under a tree to lay down for a bit. Her head was on his chest, her hair spread out on it, and his arm was around her tightly. It was their sleeping position almost every time they were in the same bed together (besides the traditional spooning), so it was no wonder that they ended up taking a quick nap under the tree. Sometimes he would catch himself staring at his phone just to look at the pictures.

After clearing all his notifications, he set his phone down on his bedside table and closed his eyes. With the hockey schedule in full swing, it didn’t take him long to fall asleep. His mind was just as tired as his body these days, and he found his eyes falling heavier and heavier with each passing second.

Until his phone rang.

He almost didn’t hear it; he almost thought it was a dream, but he eventually regained enough consciousness to realize it was blasting loudly. He grumbled, turning over to his side and grabbing to answer it. He didn’t bother looking at the caller ID because he knew the brightness of the screen would hurt his eyes. If it were Auston or any of the guys, he’d murder them.

“Hello?” he grumbled into the phone.

“M-M-M-Mo…” he heard Briony’s voice shake on the other end.

His eyes immediately went wide at the sound of her voice. Why was she calling so late at night? “Briony?”

“M-Mo…”

“Briony, what’s wrong?”

She sounded like she was hyperventilating but trying to hide it. “Mo, s-somebody broke into my ap-partment,” she hiccupped. “Somebody b-b-broke in and took all my st-stuff-f.”

Morgan shot up from his bed and threw the covers off his body. “Have you called the police?”

“M-M-Mo, they took my laptop. They took my j-j-jewellery box. T-T-They t-t-took --”

“Briony, did you call the police?” he asked more firmly. His heart was running a mile a minute now.

“Y-Yes,” her voice continued to shake. “M-Mo…they took everything. Even my clothes.”

Holy shit. Holy shit. He rushed to throw on a hoodie he left on his chair and struggled to put on a pair of track pants without falling over. “I’m on my way,” he said quickly. “Are the cops coming?”

He heard her breath hitch in her throat a few times. “M-Mo…”

“Did the cops say they were on their way?”

“Y-Y-Yeah, they’ve sent s-someone and he’s j-j-just out-tside now.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in five,” he said, grabbing his keys and slamming the door behind him. “Do you want to stay on the phone with me?”

“M-M-Mo, what am I gonna do?” she cried. “Th-They stole everything. My front window is b-broken a-a-and I d-d-don’t know --”

“Briony it’s going to be okay,” he assured her.

“N-No it’s-s-s n-not.”

“Yes it is. I’m on my way.”

***

Morgan was sure he sped through the streets, probably even ran a couple of red lights, because he made it up to the Annex in record time. By the time he got to her apartment, there was already a cop car with its lights flashing outside. He didn’t even attempt to park his car; he practically left it in the middle of street, behind the cop car, and rushed towards the front door. He noticed the front bay window completely smashed, glass all over the front lawn.

When he opened the door to her apartment, like he had so many times before, he saw her standing with the police officer. She immediately turned her head the second she heard the door open and when she realized it was him, ran towards him. “Morgan!”

She clung on to him for dear life. She began crying again as she buried her head in his chest. It was only then when he noticed the state of the apartment – broken glass near the window; all drawers open or literally taken out of the slot and thrown half way across the room; mud all over the floor from muddy boots; her kitchen cabinets open and her food thrown everywhere. It looked like a tornado passed through. There were two other people in the apartment that looked like they were dusting for prints. “Are you hurt?” he asked. She shook her head. “Did you see them?” Another head shake.

He noticed the police officer approach him. “My guess is you are the boyfriend.”

“Yes sir.”

“Ms. McTavish mentioned you stay over sometimes. Do you keep any valuables at the apartment?”

Morgan shook his head. “No sir. I…what happened?” Briony had pulled away and was wiping the tears on her cheeks with the back of her hand. “What happened?” he asked her directly.

“W-When I c-c-came back from the g-grocery store I noticed the w-w-window, and I ran inside and I s-saw th-th-this,” she stuttered out. “I d-d-don’t…I d-don’t know…”

“We are assuming it happened during the period she was absent from the residence,” the police officer said. “I’ll just need to finish writing Ms. McTavish’s statement and record a list of all her belongings that were stolen.”

“Yeah, of course,” Morgan said, grabbing at Briony’s hand. He looked around again to see more mess. Her covers thrown off her bed, even the mattress protector gone – clearly whoever did this was banking on the old ‘keep your money under the bed’ trick; her fridge door wide open, contents again spewed all over the floor. He was feeling more and more sick the more he took in. He couldn’t imagine how violated Briony must be feeling.

“My l-l-laptop is the b-biggest thing,” she began. “A-And they t-t-took my c-clothes. Almost all my c-clothes.”

“Were there any items of significant value?”

She shook her head vehemently. “And then my j-jewellery box.”

“Again, any items of significant value? Family heirlooms?”

“No.”

Morgan knew Briony didn’t have much, and he knew she didn’t spend much, but his heart broke when she had to give the officer an itemized list of all the clothes and pieces of jewellery that were stolen and how much she had paid for them. He had $200 dollar shirts and custom suits hanging in his closet, and he didn’t think he’d ever heard Briony go above $30 for how much she spent on something. The fact that she could even give the officer an itemized list of every piece of clothing and every little piece of jewellery she had meant something. It meant she knew exactly what she owned – however little it was – and she kept tabs on it all. He wasn’t even sure about that. He didn’t really keep tabs on things like he should. If the same thing ever happened to him, he wouldn’t be able to give an accurate number or descriptions. He could remember some prices of significance, like his $8000 watch or the general ballpark he paid for all his pairs of Jordan shoes, but he could never be specific like she was doing.

“Okay Ms. McTavish. I’ve already made the call for the crew to come to board up the front window and I’m going to be putting a heavy padlock on your apartment door. Do you have a place you can stay tonight?”

“Yes, absolutely,” Morgan answered for her quickly.

“Okay. Once the boards are up I’ll file your report and statement. I’m also going to ask your neighbours if they saw or heard any suspicious activity. I suggest you take whatever belongings you can for now, anything of value or significance that perhaps the intruder didn’t take, and I will call you tomorrow to discuss your options,” the officer informed her.

“W-What about my stuff?”

“Pardon me?”

“M-My belongings. What’s gonna happen with finding my s-stuff?”

The officer gave her a concerned look. He looked at Morgan briefly too before taking a deep breath. “Ms. McTavish, there’s really nothing further we can do unless we find the culprit. Usually in these situations the culprit keeps the items or sells them for any value, if they are even of any value. We can look at local pawn businesses in the area, but…”

“So my stuff is just gone again.”

The officer nodded his head once, his face still concerned. “I will try my hardest. Maybe I’ll look in some of the electronic shops for your laptop, but I really can’t guarantee anything.”

The only things left to salvage were Briony’s books. Because of course the thief didn’t take the fucking books. The officer waited for them as she moved in a complete daze around her apartment – no more tears, but her face still stained with them, and with an aura of fear about her. Morgan could see her hands trembling as she grabbed at her textbooks, the ones she was using this semester in particular, and handed them to Morgan. She then looked at her small half bookshelf of only two rows, with all the fiction books she had accumulated from various book sales – the book sales she told Morgan about in one of their first conversations – and looked at him. “Will this fit in your car?” her voice trembling as much as her hands.

“Of course. What else do you want to grab?”

“That’s it.”

“Briony --”

“I want to go now.”

“B--”

“Please, Morgan. I don’t want to be here anymore. Please.”

“Come here. Come here,” he outstretched his arms to her, and she began crying again as she nestled into his hug and buried her face in his chest. “It’s gonna be okay baby.”

“Can we p-p-please just g-grab my b-b-books and g-go,” she mumbled into his chest. “There’s nothing else, M-Morgan. N-N-Nothing else is-s-s mine. It all came with the apartment.”

He nodded his head, moving to give her the textbooks she had handed to him. He bent at the knees and picked up the bookshelf easily, all the books still in it. He looked at the officer. “We’re done. You can lock it up.”

The officer nodded his head. “Alright then. You stay safe. I will call you tomorrow for further information.” He locked up the door with a padlock as they left, and waited for the crew to arrive to put up the wood boards on the broken windows.

Morgan carried the bookshelf and placed it into the trunk of his car. Briony, still clutching her textbooks, climbed into the front seat. When he climbed in and started the car, he looked over at her. Her cheeks were fresh with tears, her winter jacket haphazardly put on. He reached over the centre console and grabbed her hand, bringing it up to his lips and kissing it. “It’s going to be okay, Briony.”

She tucked her knees into chest as he drove away from her apartment, her textbooks where her feet were supposed to be. She looked out the window, tears still streaming down her face occasionally. As the city streets passed by her, she couldn’t help but feel a sense of emptiness within her; an emptiness that felt all too familiar. An emptiness that seemed to follow her for her entire life. She came from nothing, and now she had nothing. She could accumulate, she could amass, but she would always end up empty. The emptiness was not a new feeling, but it didn’t hurt any less just because she had felt it before. It hurt more now because she knew how it felt to be full.

Everything was a blur until she climbed into bed. She knew at some point they arrived at his apartment, and they got out of the car and took the elevator to his place, but she didn’t remember. She didn’t remember anything until she got into bed and practically wrapped her body around Morgan’s to feel any semblance of safety. Despite the cold outside and the cold in her body, he felt so warm and so full, and she wanted desperately to feel that too. She knew she wouldn’t – not anytime soon – but it was worth a try. If she couldn’t have it, she could at least feel it.

“Briony…” Morgan’s voice was soft as he wrapped his arms around her, placing light kisses on her forehead and the crown of her head. “Briony, look at me. Please.” She pulled away only slightly, enough to get a look at his face. Her eyes were red and puffy still from all the tears. “I need to know what happened in your childhood now,” he said.

She shook her head. “No.”

“You said ‘So my stuff is just gone again’ to the police officer.”

“Morgan.”

“Briony, please. Please.”

Tears welled up in her eyes again. “I th-thought I was finally safe,” she hiccupped again, still shaking slightly as Morgan held on to her.

“What do you mean?”

“Th-Th-This happened all the time as a k-kid. All the t-t-time,” she revealed finally, wiping a stray tear away. “Esp-p-pecially when we were between places. Or at the homeless sh-shelt-t-ters. And they’d t-take all my mom’s s-s-stuff. They’d take m-my st-stuff too. Anything they thought was of value. Th-That’s why I always ended up w-with n-n-nothing. And that’s w-why we’d always end up with n-nothing. I was always s-so s-s-scared. We’d always have to st-start from s-s-scratch.”

In-between places. Homeless shelters. They’d take my stuff. Starting from scratch. Morgan felt sick to his stomach. This had happened to her before. Often. As a fucking child. As a child with an alcoholic mother who had no will to protect her. With a mother who had no will to attempt to make their situation better. How somebody could create that environment for a child; how someone could be complacent in making a child that scared; how someone could not care about their child to that degree, Morgan would never be able to understand.

“You don’t have to be scared anymore,” Morgan said. “You’re safe with me. You don’t have to worry.”

“She’d never t-tell me everything was going to be okay because sh-she knew it was never going to be ok-kay,” Briony continued, and Morgan knew she was talking about her mother. “And when I finally l-left I thought everything was going to be okay.”

“I’ve got you now. I’m here for you now. It’s going to be okay.”

“N-No it’s n-n-not,” she shook her head, unable to believe him. “M-My laptop’s gone, I have no c-clothes, I didn’t even have m-m-much to begin with and now I have n-nothing again and-d- I --”

“Briony, no, no,” Morgan repeated, squeezing her tighter. “You have me. You have me. You don’t have nothing, you have me. I don’t want you going through this alone. You can’t go through this alone. Because you’re not alone anymore.”

She buried her face in his chest again, unable to cope with his words as tears streamed down her face. There was too much emptiness, too much pain. She could only cry herself to sleep, and Morgan, heartbroken, could only listen, his heart breaking with each passing sob, each passing tear he felt wash his skin, each passing tremble of her body.

#morgan rielly #morgan rielly imagine #morgan rielly fic #toronto maple leafs #toronto maple leafs imagine #toronto maple leafs fic #alone together series

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angelcatsiel · 4 years

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I reblogged an ask game thing the other day but no one sent any asks so I just fuckin answered them all because I was bored and I am learning to not give a fuck what anyone thinks of me and it was fun

1. What is your favorite childhood story of yourself?

This is a hard one. I want to think of a funny one but my childhood wasn’t great. My dad has told me that when I was a toddler, before I can remember, he used to play AC/DC and I used to put clothes pegs in my hair for some unknown reason, stand on the sofa and violently headbang.

2. What is the stupidest way you have ever gotten hurt?

When I was about 11, I was swinging on a swing in the garden, and got curious about what would happen if I put my hands right at the very bottom of the chains while I was swinging. The answer was that I fell off backwards and hit my head. I went in to my dad crying, calmed down, and went back on the swing again. I tried to work out what exactly I had done to cause myself to fall off. I remember thinking, I think I held the chains near the bottom like this... and tested the theory, and fell off again, and hit my head again.

This is one of many stupid injuries. Other considerations were the time I climbed up a slide and hit my head on the bar at the top and knocked myself out, or the time I got kicked by a horse in a field and grabbed onto the electric fence to hold myself up.

3. What was the first PG-13 movie you watched?

Literally no idea.

4. What was the first R rated movie you watched?

I think it may have been the first Deadpool? Haven’t seen that many tbh

5. When was the moment you felt most badass?

When I was about 8, I was at the park with my brother, and this much older kid (maybe about 16 or 17, hardly a kid) with an aggressive dog stole my brother’s ice cream money. I marched up to him and demanded he give it back. He let his dog off the lead and it sniffed around my ankles and growled, and he told me it would bite me if I ran. I stood there and stared him down for a good 20 seconds or so before he called back the dog and walked away. I didn’t get the money back.

6. What is a band you can reliably always love?

Marillion. Favourite band, always.

7. What is your favorite form of self expression?

Probably singing even though I’m very bad at it.

8. What is something from your childhood you wish you still had?

My stuffed rabbit Hoppy. I haven’t been able to find him in several years. Can’t think about it too hard or I’ll cry.

9. Where is your favorite place on earth?

The Isle of Wight. My dad used to take me and my brother there for holidays every few years. It’s beautiful and full of memories, the most precious memories being the time we saved up vouchers in the newspaper to go the year after my dad left his abusive wife and ended up homeless. We were so poor but with the vouchers we could just afford to go, and it was the first time I saw my dad happy in a long time.

10. What is the longest friendship you have ever had?

My best friend @van-helsa124 who I have known since literally nursery and I love her so much.

11. Is there anyone is your life you wish you had met sooner than you did?

Maybe my friend Luce who I only met a couple of years ago, but we’ve grown close pretty quick.

12. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yep definitely. Pretty sure I was visited by my gran after she died and I’ve had a few creepy experiences.

13. What is the coldest water you have ever swam in?

No idea tbh, I don’t swim much

14. How old were you when you learned how to swim?

Maybe 8 or 9? I had lessons in primary school.

15. What song do you listen to when you’re sad?

Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift. It’s my cry song.

16. Are you an adrenaline junky?

Yep! Love roller coasters and stuff like that, and would love to do something extreme like jump out of a plane or something.

17. What is a song that takes you back to childhood?

I have a few but the main ones are probably Man on the Moon by REM, and You Were Right by Badly Drawn Boy.

18. What is your favorite word?

Not sure I have one. For some reason the only one coming to mind is a place not too far from where my family live called Biggleswade, and I have to say it every time we drive past because I love saying it. I also love saying tiddies at every opportunity.

19. What is your least favorite word?

Don’t think I have a least favourite either, the usual infamous ones (e.g. moist) don’t really bother me.

20. What scent reminds you of childhood?

Cherryade. I drank some several years ago and the smell before I tasted it transported me immediately back to my childhood and a memory I’d completely forgotten, which was my gran constantly buying me a shit ton of cherryade every time I stayed over her house.

21. Were you sad when you found out clouds weren’t like pillows, or did you never think that?

I don’t think I was sad, I think I was just curious and interested to learn, and I tried to come up with new interesting ways of describing the feeling of clouds in my head, since even as a kid I loved to write.

22. When in life did you laugh the hardest?

A few times come to mind and they all involve @van-helsa124. A lot would make absolutely no sense, no matter how much I tried to explain. They’re now ‘friendship memes’. The only one that might be explainable is the first time we ever got drunk, to celebrate achieving ultimate friendship, after we found out that her mum had believed me and her were in a relationship for a year and a half. We even created our own drink, named the year and a half, which was literally just a mix of vodka, koppaberg, rose wine and cloudy lemonade. Tasted better than it sounds. Got me drunk in about 0.5 seconds. Ended the night hugging her trash can trying not to throw up while she read me a destiel fanfic to take my mind off feeling sick

23. What makes you laugh when you don’t feel like laughing?

Old yogscast videos.

24. Do you come from a big family?

Fairly big, lots of aunts and uncles and cousins.

25. What is your favorite part of yourself?

My positivity and the inner strength that I have, that helps me find happiness and courage even when my mental health is low.

26. What is the worst pain you have ever felt?

Trigeminal neuralgia pain (facial nerve pain). Spent 90% of January this year constantly crying and even screaming in pain. Hospital couldn’t do anything for me. I get occasional flare ups now but nothing that severe, but it’s probably going to come back. Feels like someone trying to rip out my cheekbone and jawbone or like someone is literally drilling into the bones in my face, and that’s the milder part. Every so often that pain is interrupted by stabs of sharper pain like electric shocks which have caused me to collapse to the floor screaming. 0/10 do not recommend

27. Do you swear often?

Not super often out loud but very often in my head.

28. Do you get confused for being older or younger than you are?

People always assume I’m younger than I am. I get asked for ID for everything.

29. What is your favorite way to eat a potato?

Probably roast potatoes, but they’ve gotta be done right. Soft inside, crispy outside, and obviously with herbs and spices.

30. What is the best compliment you have ever received?

Honestly no idea.

31. Describe yourself in 6 words?

Slightly unstable yet somehow happy weirdo

32. What is the worst insult you have ever received?

Can’t think of any major insults either lmao no one talks to me apparently

33. Have you ever taken in any media that changed your life?

The Good Place and Supernatural. With supernatural it wasn’t the actual show so much as the friendships it made me and the confidence and happiness the conventions gave me, at a time when my mental health was at its worst, although the show helped massively too. Idc if it’s cringey, it kept me alive. The Good Place changed my entire worldview and actually made me less afraid of death.

34. Have you ever collected anything?

My model horses! I have at least 10 at this point

35. Strangest thing you have ever broken?

As in bones or objects? Can’t think of any objects and the only time I ever broke a bone was when I broke my toe at like 12:01am on new year’s day when I got up to pour myself another drink and tripped over the table

36. Weirdest food you have ever eaten?

I’m not that adventurous with food so nothing that weird

37. Childhood nickname?

My dad would call me Flo. Not sure why.

38. Most people you have shared a bed with in a non sexual manner?

Two. Shared a bed with my best friend and my other friend Josh, once at a convention, once at Josh’s birthday. Birthday one is a bit blurry as I was drunk but at the convention I got to be in the middle and spooned Josh while my best friend spooned me and it was very cosy

39. What is something that makes you fall asleep?

The Marillion song Angelina, or this one ASMR video that’s supposed to be the sound of being in the Impala with the Winchesters. Laugh all you want, I like it.

40. Did your parents ever accidentally lose or forget you?

No but my teacher did once, can’t remember the context, I think she had to drive me and some other girls somewhere for some club event and when we got back to the school she forgot me in the car because I was so quiet lmao

41. If you were a superhero what would your weakness be?

I would be a terrible superhero and have many weaknesses. Loud noises would immediately put me out of action. Someone makes eye contact with me and I disintegrate immediately

42. What food reminds you of home?

Tuna pasta! With this one specific sauce that my mum used to make it with

43. What is your comfort food?

Probably also that tuna pasta. And chocolate. A shit ton of chocolate.

44. Cold room with lots of blankets or hot room with no blankets?

Cold room with lots of blankets, no question.

45. No shoes without socks or no shoes with socks?

No shoes without socks

46. Do you run hot your cold?

I am presuming this means ‘do you run hot or cold’ and the answer is, usually, both simultaneously. My body has no idea what temperature regulation is. Catch me out for a walk in short sleeves in the snow, sweating profusely while violently shivering bc I’m feeling extremely hot internally but my skin is freezing (and yes, I have actually done this). Do I have some sort of legit medical issue? No one knows, least of all my doctors!

47. Favorite condiment?

Probably ketchup. Though I also love garlic dip. Does that count as a condiment?

48. What utensil do you use the most?

Probably my tongs for turning chicken and stuff

49. When are you most comfortable?

Any time I’m home alone, just doing my own thing

50. If you could be really good at one thing, what would it be?

Singing! I would love to be an amazing singer but sadly I am a terrible singer though I do practice every day in the vain hope that maybe my voice will improve. If the neighbours could hear me they would have killed me by now

#personal

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theindependentjournals · 5 years

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Notes on Class

-The very first time I inhaled real marijuana?- “oh……lovely..”

PRELUDE (AN OPENING REMARK:) “FAKE ASS BEACH IN MY DUMB MOFUCKING LIL BRAIN ASS HOMOEROGONEOUS ASS TWATS FAKE ASS WASTE OF MY MOFUCKING TIME. STUPID GAY SHITTY FUCK FALSE ASS HOE NIGGAS AINT NO REAL NIGGAS BUNCH A LIL BITCHES ASS WITH THEIR PROSTITUTE ASS STRIPPING FUCKING HO PIMP MURDERED FAKE ASS MORMON SHIT WIT THEM DAMN BITCH NIGGER, BITE MY THUMB BITCH. SHIT ASS BITCH MOTHERFUKIN FAKE ASS NIGGER FOLK WITH THEIR DAMN STUPID BULLSHIT LIVES THEM OLD FAGGOT ASS NIGGER. CHOKE ON A MOFUCKING BITCH ASS BITCH SHIT HOEBAG DOUCHE MONKEYS MOFUCKING CATHETAR BITCH.”

BLISS, ID THE WALKER CENTER 1-800-227-4190 ACCESS BEHAVIORAL HEALTH 208-338-4699 EVALUATOR DUSTIN LYNCH : SEVERE DRUG HABIT (3.5) NOT EVEN ONCE ORGANIZATION 12 STEP SPRITUAL RECOVERY PLAY IT FORWARD “I’M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR” THE AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION (DSM-IV) DRUGS APP ON PHONE

DEB: “I DRIVE ON THESE ROADS SOMETIMES! YOU WERE PUTTING OTHER PEOPLE AT RISK!”

Alfonzo: 9 WEEKS CLEAN OFF COCAINE. TRIP OUT OF TOWN FOR 4TH OF JULY TO CABIN… JET SKIS AND POWERBOARDS. HE DOES VALIDATION WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. BELIEVES IN A HIGHER POWER. VISITED HIS DAUGHTER AND WENT TO ICE CREAM.FEELS VICTIMIZED BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE RACIST AND THINK HE WILL STEAL FROM THEM OR HARM THEM. PLAYS APP ON PHONE WHEN TRYING TO REST, “CALM.” HE HAD BEEN SOBER FOR 11 WEEKS AND 1 DAY AND THEN HE DRANK AT A FRIDAY 4TH OF JULY PARTY. HIS UA CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WAS READY TO PREPARE FOR RELAPSE.

Phillip: DRUG OF CHOICE METH AND COCAINE. WAS AWAY FOR A WHILE. STOPPED ACID 3 WEEKS AGO, HAD A REALLY HARD TIME QUITTING MARIJUANA AND ACID. IRRITABLE AND DEHYDRATED.

James: 2 WEEKS CLEAN OFF ALCOHOL AND METH. USES PATIENCE. “IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.” BORN A BOY IN SPOKANE, WA. IS NOW 50. AT 2 Y.O. MOVED TO A SMALL TOWN COMMERICIAL FISHING WITH DAD. USED CRAB BOATS. “ALWAYS GONE FISHING.” HAD 4 SISTERS, 1 BROTHER. IF MOM WASN’T WORKING THEN SHE WAS DRUNK. DRANK DRANK DRANK. A LOT OF ABUSE, BUT WOULD NOT PHYSICALLY HARM THEM. DAD TOOK ONE SISTER OUT OF HOUSE TO LOOSEN THE LOAD ON MOM. THE THREE WOULD PICK ON EACH OTHER AND BECOME ISOLATED BECAUSE OF ABUSE. BREAKING WINDOWS – RUNNING – SHOOTING STUFF. DAD AND MOM FIGHT OVER ALCOHOL. STARTED WONDERING WHY SHE DRANK. WANTED TO BE LIKE MOM SO WOULD DRINK THE BEER AND REFILL WITH CREAM SODA. WANTED TO BE LIKE DAD SO WOULD STEAL CIGARETTES. SISTERS WERE SMOKING CIGARETTES AND MARIJUANA. THEN HE WAS STONED AND DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. WOULD GET HIMSELF SICK FROM LIQUOR AND ADD WATER. NOBODY KNEW IT WAS HIM, THEY KNEW THE SISTERS SMOKED MARIJUANA SO THEY BLAMED ALL ON SISTERS. HE STARTED STEALING CRAP SO HE GOT TO GO FISHING. HAD GOOD MONEY FOR BEING YOUNG. STARTED INTO COCAINE AND LOTS OF IT. HAD 30 U.A.S FOR BREAKING CURFEW AND HAD TO GO BACK AGAIN. COURTS JUST WANTED HIS WEALTHY FAMILIES MONEY. IT WAS MOSTLY “TAKE OUR MONEY AND LET US GO.” HE GOT MARRIED AND BARELY KNEW HER CAUSE HE WAS DRUNK. SHE GOT PREGNANT AND THE KID DIED OF SIDS. HE LEFT HER AND WENT ON A BENDER. 4 DUIS -> ASSAULT -> PRISON. “I HAVE A PROBLEM.” PRISON SUCKS. HE ATTENDED NO GROUPS, JUST HAD TIME. HIS DAD MOVED TO IDAHO. HE HAD NOTHING TO DO. HE STOPPED FISHING AND BEGAN USING METH. DOESN’T REMEMBER HOW HE GOT BACK INTO METH, MUST HAVE BEEN SOME FRIEND. COUPLE YEARS INTO IDAHO AND HAD TROUBLE WITH PAROLE. WENT INTO A HALFWAY HOUSE AND BAM THERE WAS METH. WAS DRINKING SO P.O. TOOK OUT OF HALFWAY HOUSE. DATED A WOMAN THERE. HAD HOUSE, CARS, GOOD LIFE, THEN TO DOING METH AGAIN. AT 18, HIS LIFE WAS LIKE MONEY, BOAT, COCAINE. IN NEWPORT, OR.

Pricsilla: 6 MONTHS CLEAN OFF METH/COCAINE/VODKA. “BEING DONE WITH WHAT I USED TO DO.” MOVED OUT OF A SHELTER AND DID A MRI BRAIN SCAN TO LOOK FOR PROBLEMS. TEMPS OF 100 MAKE HER IRRITABLE AND MOODY. SHE THINKS IT IS TOO DRY. SHE NEEDS NASAL DROPS. SHE WAS LEFT FOR DEAD IN CALIFORNIA AT 18. USING SKILLS LIKE RATIONAL THINKING AND ABSITENCE.

Blake: 3 MONTHS CLEAN OFF MARIJUANA. HAS NARCOLEPSY. USES FAMILY TO KEEP HIM FROM BLAZING. GRADUATED HEALTHY THINKING GROUP.

Paul: 9 MONTHS CLEAN OFF OPIATES & BENZOS. TRYING TO GET HIS “DUCKS IN A ROW.” HAS A HOME IN WILDER. SPENT 2 YEARS IN ICELAND. STOPPED TAKING PAIN KILLERS HE BECAME IMMUNE TO EFFECTS. -PAIN MEDS APPARENTLY ONLY ARE EFFECTIVE FOR 3 DAYS- SPENT 30 YEARS ON PAIN MEDICATIONS. SCOLIOSIS ON DISCS. SISTER TOOK HIS PILLS AWAY. SO HE WENT TO HOSPITAL. 30, 80MG A DAY. METHADONE WORKED BETTER AND WAS EASIER TO GET OFF OF. FEELING LETHARGIC. STOPPED NARCOTICS, STARTED DIAZEPAN. PERCOCETS WORKED GOOD BUT BUILT A RESISTANCE. HE WILL TAKE AGAIN BUT AT A LOWER DOSE. NO DETOX BUT TOOK 30 DAYS TO FEEL BETTER. HAVE TO GO TO DOCTOR BUT ALL THEY DO IS TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE. DOCTOR DOESN’T KNOW WHERE THE PAIN IS LOCATED. NARCOTICS <- NUEROSENDERS -> CLEAN. TAKING LYRICA FOR NERVE PAIN AND VISTARIL FOR ANXIETY. CHRONIC PAIN CLASSES AND HE IS A SURGICAL CANDIDATE FOR NERVE BACK.. CLEARING NERVES AND FUSING BACK. HERE AT RECOVERY 4 LIFE FOR 9.5 MONTHS, LEGAL CONSEQUENCES AND COURT REQUIRED. DAY BY DAY HE HAS NOT THOUGHT ABOUT DRINKING. HAS ANXIETY AND AVOIDS TRIGGERS, NO TRAUMA.

Matt: 2 MONTHS CLEAN. GOING FISHING AT CJ STRIKES.

Inez: 22 MONTHS SOBER OFF ALCOHOL. SHE NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD QUIT DRINKING. HER FRIEND QUIT AS WELL WHOM SHE ALSO NEVER THOUGHT WOULD GET CLEAN. “I AM WORTHY OF HAPPINESS.” PRACTICES A GOOD ATTITUDE WITH GRATITUDE. WAS A LIASON IN THE HOUSE SHE IS THE MANAGER OF. NEEDS TO STOP GETTING MAD. A GIRL WHO LIVES THERE, HER BOYFRIEND CALLED OVER AND OVER. GIRL WAS PISSED OFF NOBODY ANSWERED, 36 RINGS AND 9 CALLS, ENDED UP NOT BEING THE BOYFRIEND BUT A VERY IMPORTANT CALL. “ALCOHOL IS MY DOWNFALL” DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE MANAGEMENT POSITION FOR THE WOMAN’S HOME. SHE HAD SOME SEIZURES AND HAD TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL. “I HAVE TO BE CLEAN OR I WILL GO TO JAIL.” SOBER SINCE 8/16/16, NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE SOBER FOR 2 YEARS. WISHES SHE HAD A CORVETTE. DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE CAN’T HAVE A GOOD LIFE LIKE ALL HER FRIENDS. LOSING HER HOME. HAS TO ACCEPT FACT THAT LIFE CHANGES AND GOD SUCKS…. LMAO, JOKES ON YOU. GOES TO THE NAMPA PUBLIC LIBRARY.

Donna: EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. SAD -> HAPPY -> HURT -> LONELY -> ISOLATED. WAS A DRUNKEN MESS AND HATED EVERYTHING. TRYING NOT TO OVER-CATASTROPHIZE FEELINGS TO SITUATIONS. LEARNED DISTRESS TOLERANCE. TRYING TO BECOME MORE MINDFUL AND AWARE. LEARNING TO SPEAK OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. WISHES OTHERS TO BE OPEN-MINDED IN DIALETICAL BEHAVIORAL THERAPY GROUP. THINKS OTHERS WILL NOT LIKE THE GROUP AT FIRST OR EVEN UNDERSTAND IT. “ADDICTION DOES NOT DISCRIMATE AGAINST AGE/GENDER.” WORKING ON KEEPINIG HER EMOTIONS IN CHECK SO SHE DOES NOT GET A ONE-WAY TICKET ON THE CRAZY TRAIN.

ALLEYGAINY SIERRA NEVADAS MOTANA. CANCER IN BREAST -> BRAIN. 16TH BIRTHDAY MET DAVE GAINEY WHO RAPED HER AND HER MOM DIED THE SAME TIME. SISTERS MOVED. DAVE GAINEY WAS KATHY’S HUSBAND AND HER DAD’S BEST FRIEND. SHE RAN TO THE NEIGHBORS. GRAD CARMEL HIGH FEB 1986 IN FALLON, NV. SISTER STARTED DOING COCAINE AND MOVED TO SACRAMENTO. DIED IN 2012. HAD FIRST CHILD. SPLIT FROM FATHER AND HE KIDNAPPED THE BABY.SHE GOT HIM BACK, HE WAS UNDERWEIGHT AND HAD LEAD POISONING IN A PART OF HIS KIDNEY, HAD TO GET REMOVED. (ANDREW 1990) BRITTANY AND BROOKE, TWINS DIED OF HEART AND LUNG FAILURE APRIL 28, 1998 AT 3 MONTHS. HUSBAND WAS HEAVY MACHINE OPERATOR IN THE MINES. KYLE 1992. GRADUATED ICC COLLEGE WITH NURSING LICENSE. WAS PREGNANT AGAIN RIGHT AFTER FUNERAL. HAD BROCK AND HER CERVIX TURNED BLACK UTERINE CANCER. IV TO LOSING HAIR. MET A CLUB GUARD BRYAN, BEGAN RUNNING AND GUNNING. HE SMACKED HER SILLY (PHYSICAL ABUSE.) MC AT CLUB HOOKED IT UP (LARRY.) HE HAD A MOTORCYCLE. HE WAS IN A HIT AND RUN. WAS LIFEFLIGHTED TO NA. HAD ALCOHOL IN WATER BOTTLE WHEN SHE VISITED HIM IN HOSPITAL. WHERE SHE WAS TAKEN TO 28 DAY PROGRAM AT NEW START. DRANK DRANK DRANK. DEC. 7TH TRIED TO KILL HERSELF. DRIVING AND BLEW DOUBLE .29 IN JEROME COUNTY. HAD NO BAIL. IS ORDERED TO REMAIN SOBER UNTIL 2019. “LOONY FREAKZOID” WHEN I DRINK.

Lawnie: HAS A FULFILLING LIFE WITH HIS FAMILY. WORKING ON NOT AVOIDING OR ESCAPING SITUATIONS. SOBERED UP BUT DID NOT WANT TO FACE SOBRIETY. HALF SMILE AND OPEN HANDS. WORKING ON RESPECTING THE EARTH AROUND HIM. VALIDATION AND UNDERSTANDING. “I KNOW I AM WORTH SOMETHING.” TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF BY WALKING ½ HOUR A DAY. RECOMMENDS FOR OTHERS IN GROUP TO BE ON TIME AND PARTICIPATE.

Kata: MOLLY AND HEROIN… LOST CLOSE FAMILY MAY 2010. CRYING IN CLASS, IRRITABLE.

Pilot Dude: “I’M DIFFERENT NOW” THOUGHTS… EMOTIONS… FEELINGS….. HERE BECAUSE OF DRINKING AT BAR AND THEN DROVE HOME. “IT HELPS TO GIVE BACK” HE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO STARTED A KID ON HEROIN WHEN HE WAS 8… LIKE, CAN’T GO BACK NOW. BORN IN IDAHO FALLS. LIKED TO BREAK RULES TO GET KICKS. MOM SPLIT DAD. MOM REMARRIED NEXT MONTH. D.A.R.E IN 4TH GRADE DRUG ABUSE RESEARCH STAFF. 8TH GRADE- SMOKED WEED STEMS. STOLE WEED FROM BROTHER. DRANK IN 8TH GRADE. PARTY ON WEEKENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL. COLLEGE HAD 3 DAY WEEKENDS FRI,SAT,SUN TO PARTY. GRADUATED COLLEGE WITH CIVIL ENGINEER DEGREE AND DIDN’TLIKE IT. WAS A STUPID COLLEGE KID AND POINTED TO A RANDOM MAJOR. NOW IN POCATELLO. ADDICTED TO ADDREALL. AMBIAN AND ADDERALL. USED DOCTORS TO GET THIS DRUG. HIS EX WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. EVERY NIGHT HE HAD PILLS. PILOT…. MONDAY-THURSDAY CLEANED HIS SYSTEM. FINISHED AND BECAME FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR. MET GIRLFRIEND WHERE HE DID PILLS AND ALCOHOL WITH HER EVERYDAY. GOT PANCREATITIS. BODY SHUT DOWN AND HE HAD NO WATER FOR 2 DAYS. BOWLING BALL HEAD ON FLOOR GASPING FOR AIR. NAPROXEN. OXYS – TOOK BECAUSE FELT GOOD. AFTER HAVING PANCREATITIS HE FELT SO WRONG LIKE HE HAD DECIEVED HIMSELF. NOW HE WAS ON OPIATES AND GHBS INSTEAD OF ALCOHOL. GOT FREE OXYS FROM THE DOCTOR. BENZOS AS WELL. COULD NO LONGER PAY RENT. OXY WITHDRAWALS FROM STREET OXYS. HE HAD ON HIM 50 G OF OXYS – 6 MONTHS WORTH ABOUT 800$$$ WORTH BUT COULD SELL ON STREET FOR 50,000-100,000$. 50X STRONGER THAN HEROIN. STARTED GETTING SEIZURES. 2 YEARS HE WAS IN PERSONAL TRAINING. SOLD TO PAY SOME RENT. POLICE KNOCKED WHILE HE WAS HITTING FENTANYL AND HE HAD A CLOSE CALL.. GOT NORCOS FROM DOCTORS FOR “BACK PAIN.” HE HAD A MONTH LONG MENTAL TREATMENT IN MISSISSIPPI. AND COPS CALLED ON HIM FOR BEING DRUNK IN PUBLIC, SENT TO PSYCH WARD FOR 5 DAYS. HE THOUGHT HE MAY JUST MOVE TO MEXICO. HIS MOM SAVED HIM AND HE STAYS ALIVE FOR HIS MOTHER.

Aleisha: DRUG OF CHOICE. HEROIN. WORKS LONG HOURS AND IS VERY TIRED.

Dakota: USES SKILLS FROM CLASS, BREATHING EXERCISES.

Nicole: “MENTAL HEALTH COURT IS RUNNING MY LIFE. I PEE IN A CUP EVERY MORNING”

SKILLS: INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS “COMMUNICATING WITH OTHERS” THE LEFT SIDE WINS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO STEAL IN ORDER TO GET METHAMPETAMINES.

MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS BETTER, NOT WORSE. SOMETIMES, WE DON’T DO SO GOOD. LEARN HOW TO EFFECTIVELY MAKE REQUESTS AND EFFECTIVELY KNOW WHEN TO SAY NO. MAINTAIN BALANCE AND RESOLVE CONFLICTS.

SOME MAY TAKE BEING NICE FOR WEAKNESS AND OVERPOWER YOU. SOME ARE MORE EMOTIONAL WHILST OTHERS DON’T GET UPSET.

MYTHS – OBJECTIVE EFFECTIVENESS IF I ASK FOR SOMETHING OR SAY NO, I CAN’T STAND IT IF SOMEONE GETS UPSET WITH ME. I MUST BE REALLY INADEQUATE IF I CAN’T FIX THIS MYSELF. IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I WANT OR NEED IT DOESN’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY (APATHY) IF I TRY TO ASK FOR HELP I WILL BE A BURDEN. PEOPLE WITHOUT MONEY WHO ASK FOR FAVORS ARE LEECHES.

“I CAN PROBABLY GO WITHOUT.”

MY NEEDS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSES. GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES. SAYING NO IS PUTTING UP A HEALTHY BOUNDARY.

THE PROBLEM IS JUST IN MY HEAD I SHOULDN’T BOTHER OTHERS. CHALLENGE: OTHER PEOPLE ARE CARING – YOU CAN ASK FOR ASSISTANCE.

IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I NEED IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY. CHALLENGE: I CARE SO MUCH THAT I GET WHAT ASSISTANCE I NEED.

OTHERS SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PUT MORE WORK IN ME. I DON’T NEED SUPPORT AND YOU SHOULDN’T EXPECT IT. “KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS.” “GIVE RESPECT, GET RESPECT.” TREAT OTHERS HOW I WANT TO BE TREATED. IT’S OK TO BE SKEPTICAL. THE GOVERNMENT CONTROLS EVERYTHING. OTHERS AROUND YOU MAY FEEL BAD FOR YOU OR THEY MAY BE SELF-CENTERED OR AGAINST YOU. MY DECISIONS EFFECT EVERYONE AROUND ME. TRY NOT TO HURT OTHERS.

THE WHEEL – RELATIONSHIP WITH DRUGS USE: Not a habit MISUSE: Taking at a higher dose for high rather than i.e. pain ABUSE: When it is harmful for your health and others ADDICTION: Takes over life, need it all the time DEPENDENCE: Necessary to need it in order to feel normal

INTRODUCTION: Try EXPERIMENTAL: Use more, take note on effects, see how it feels/if you like BENEFICIAL: If you like it is good for a short time. I.E. You are happy.. for a short-term. ABUSIVE: Continued use leads to damage in long-term POINT OF NO RETURN!!! DEPENDENT TOXIC FATAL EMOTIONAL REGULATION PT.1:

UNDERSTAND AND NAME YOUR OWN EMOTIONS!! RELAPSE OK TO FEEL EMOTIONS OF FEELING LIKE A BIRDIE

WHY SHOULD WE DESCRIBE EMOTIONS? “SO I DON’T BLOW UP, UP THE SPINE”

IDENTIFY AND DESCRIBE YOUR EMOTION. REGULAR EMPTINESS KNOW WHAT EMOTIONS DO FOR YOU. HURT YOU

FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE SPEAK MORE LOGICALLY BE MORE PRODUCTIVE GRIEF/SHAME/SPIRAL DOWN TOILET

DECREASE THE FREQUENCY OF UNWANTED EMOTIONS: BEAUTIFUL BLACK EYES. OH POOR ME. GLOOM AND DOOM. GOD DAMNIT. DECREASE EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY DECREASE VULNERABILITY TO EMOTIONAL MIND. BE ABOVE IT. UNAFFECTIVE. GOD DAMNIT.

RED 4 LOKOS, THE DRUNKEN STEREOTYPE. HAND SANITIZER SMELLS LIKE VODKA. THINKING OF FUTURE MANAGE EMOTIONS WITH ALCOHOL.

DECREASE EMOTIONAL SUFFERING MUSICAL CHAIRS “I THINK THE OCEAN SMELLS GOOD” KEEP WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS

EMOTIONS MOTIVATE US TO ACTION FIGHT OR FLIGHT HARDWIRED IN BIOLOGY -> GENETIC

DIDN’T KNOW THE SUN WAS IN THEIR WAY “FINE.” WAITING IN LINE - “YOU LOOK MAD, DUDE” WAITING..HUNGRY..ANTICIPATION LADY MOVES BECAUSE THINKS HE WILL STEAL.. “I DON’T WANT YOUR STUFF” “ON A MISSION” REJECTION

AN EMOTION.. I AM TIRED SO I CANNOT MOVE. EMOTIONS ARE RED FLAGS “INTUITION IS WHEN GOD TALKS TO YOU.”

PT.2

-ANGER- AGITATION ANNOYANCE BITTERNESS FRUSTRATION INDIGNATION IRRITATION WRATH

EVENTS THAT TRIGGER ANGER +TREATED UNFAIRLY +GOALS BEING BLOCKED +THINGS SHOULD BE DIFFERENT THAN THEY ARE +NOT HAVING THINGS TURN OUT AS EXPECTED AFTEREFFECTS +DEPERSONALIZATION, DISSOCIATIVE EXPERIENCES, NUMBNESS

-DISGUST- ANTIPATHY? HATE

PROMPTING EVENTS +BEING FORCED TO SWALLOW SOMETHING YOU REALLY DON’T WANT +BEING FORCED TO ENGAGE IN OR WATCH UNWANTED SEXUAL CONTANT

INTERPRETATION +SWALLOWING SOMETHING TOXIC +YOUR MIND IS BEING CONTAMINATED

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +VOMMITING +FEELING DIRTY

EXPRESSIONS +VOMITING

-ENVY- DOWNHEARTED

INTERPRETATION +HAVE SUCH A BAD LOT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE, HAVE BAD LUCK OR BE HURT +FEELING OF PLEASURE WHEN OTHERS EXPERIENCE FAILURE OR LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE +I LOVE WHEN OTHERS GET HURT

ACTIONS +TRYING TO IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION

AFTERAFFECTS +ATTENDING TO WHAT OTHERS HAVE

-FEAR- APPREHENSION DREAD HORROR HYSTERIA? SHOCK

PROMPTING EVENTS +HAVING YOUR WELL-BEING THREATENED

INTERPRETATION +YOU MIGHT BE HARMED

-HAPPINESS- ECSTASY

PROMPTING EVENTS +NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +FEELING AT PEACE +CAN DENY HAPPINESS

EXPRESSIONS +SILLINESS

AFTERAFFECTS +FEELING JOYFUL IN FUTURE

-SHAME- +SAYING YOU ARE SORRY OVER AND OVER +DISTRACTING +WHY EMOTE WHEN YOU CAN DEMOTE?

-GUILT- +DON’T HAVE TO HOLD ANGER +3-DAY ANGER STRIKE +WALLOW IN IT

EXPRESSIONS +ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS “FORGIVE ME, FATHER.”

AFTEREFFECTS +DO NO HARM

“USING ALCOHOL OR DRUGS WAS A THINKING ERROR IN MY BEHAVIOR.” STOP TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I DO WISE MIND IS EFFECTFUL FOR THINKING/ACTING NO MATTER WHAT THOSE ONES THINK TRY TO REACT IN A POSITIVE WAY BE PATIENT

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? ARROGANT INNOCENT LOADED PAINED -DIRTY -SICK

FEELINGS: CHOKED UP, ILL AT EASE INJURED, PAINED, SUFFERING, ACHING, TORTURED INFLAMED WEAK, WEARY

DEFINITION REMORSEFUL: DEEP AND PAINFUL REGRET FOR A WRONGDOING. PEACEFUL, POWERFUL, JOYFUL – SUBSETS OF FEELING WHEEL I CROSSED OUT AND SAYS I AM NEVER TO FEEL AGAIN. THINGS I CANT FEEL. “YOUR EMOTIONS WERE NOT YOUR CHOICE – A BIOLOGICAL FUNCTION DICTATING THEM”

PT.3 BUILD MASTERY AND COPE AHEAD

DOESN’T MATTER AS LONG AS YOU WORSHIP THE Q’ARAN DOUAJ ARABIC FOR WEALTH

STAYING SOBER TODAY IS BEING PRODUCTIVE SMALL FISH IN A BIG POND.. A BIG WHIRL GRIN & BEAR IT, WAIT IT OUT HOW A SUICIDE HAS TO MENTALLY PREPARE FOR YEARS BEFORE COMPLETING.

TAKE CARE OF MIND BY TAKING CARE OF BODY P L 1.TREAT PHYSICAL ILLNESS E 2. BALANCE EATING (FOODS CAN MAKE YOU OVERLY EMOTIONAL. EMPTY FLUFF. FASTING) A 3. AVOID MOOD ALTERING SUBSTANCES (XTC,MOLLY,HEROIN,GHB,COCAINE,LSD,MUSHROOMS) S 4. BALANCE SLEEP (HOUR A NIGHT – BUDDHIST MONKS) E 5. GET EXERCISE

OBSERVE YOUR EMOTIONS “WALLOW IN THE DEB-WAVE” WHY CAN’T I FIGHT THIS? PAIN 20-30 MINUTE EPISODES AUG 16, 2008… GIRLS MOM WENT MISING ANGER – CONSUMING

LOVE YOUR EMOTIONS “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”

WHAT EMOTION DOES THE LORD FEEL? SUPREME.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS -EAT YOUR EMOTIONS

MANAGING EXTREME EMOTIONS BOUGHT A HOUSE AND ALL HE WANTED WAS A BEAUTIFUL LAWN HE HAD A DANDELION PROBLEM SO HE BOUGHT A GARDENING BOOK AND WROTE THE AGRICULTURAL UNIT

HER HUSBAND LEFT HER. MAYBE HE LEFT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC.

COOK WITH GARLIC AND ONIONS.

FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS IN RECOVERY 1. DO YOU NOTICE THAT YOU EXPERIENCE SOME FEELINGS MORE THAN OTHERS - ANGER, RECKLESS ABANDONMENT OTHERS: MOODY, QUESTIONING, ANXIOUS OTHERS: ANGER, IMPATIENT, CANT RELATE, TENSE, WRATHFUL, FURIOUS, EMPTY

2. WHAT ARE THE FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS YOU TRY TO AVOID? -SHAME, PAIN (CHAMPAGNE) OTHERS: BEING ISOLATED, BEING INSECURE, UNWANTED

3. HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS? -TALK TO MYSELF, TALK TO OTHERS ON CHATROOMS, SOMETIMES I CRY, I WRITE MUSIC/SHORT STORIES OTHERS: USED TO KEEP TO SELF, NOW TALKS MORE OTHERS: BOTTLE UP

4. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS -MY POSITIVE FEELINGS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR OTHERS: YES, USUALLYEXPRESSES NEGATIVE FEELINGS – HARSH TO DAUGHTER OTHERS: YES, MORE FREQUENT AND OVERPOWER POSITIVE

5. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESING POSITIVE FEELINGS? -MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS RECEIVE TIME OTHERS: IT’S WORK TO EXPRESS NEW SORTS OF THINKING OTHERS: NO

6. WHICH FEELING OR EMOTIONS WILL MAKE YOU MOST LIKELY TO RELAPSE IN FUTURE -HAPPINESS THAT IS ONLY POSSIBLE DUE TO DRUG INDUCEMENT OTHERS: INSECURITY, FEELING UNWANTED OTHERS: ANGER, ISOLATE, EMPTY, STUBBORN

7. POSITIVE WAY TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS - COUNSELORS, ETC = OTHERS: SELF-TALK, DON’T KEEP FEELINGS BOTTLED, SOMETIMES I CATASTROPHIZE OTHERS: DON’T JUDGE OR ASSUME. LISTEN AND CAN’T JUMP.

8. WHO CAN YOU TALK TO IF YOU ARE OVERWHELMED? - FRIENDS ON CHAT ROOM, MYSELF OTHERS: COUNSELOR, RELAPSE COUCH, SELF-TALK OTHERS: SISTERS, MOM, BOYFRIEND, DAUGHTERS

INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT

DESCRIBE COP ARREST EXPRESS FEAR FOR LIFE ASSERT “USE YOURS” REINFORCE ..I CAN’T PAY THIS.. (STAY) MINDFUL I DESERVED THIS APPEAR CONFIDENT I CAN GET THROUGH THIS NEGOTIATE WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG – YOU WILL PAY

CAN’T CONTROL HOW WE’VE BEEN DRAGGED THROUGH SHIT ORANGES TO APPLES – CANT COMPARE SITUATIONALLY SOMETIMES YOU DON’T OWE AN EXPLANATION BE ASSERTIVE. “HEY I OWE YOU 100$, BUT I ONLY GOT 20$.” “WELL IT’S A TOSS (LOSE-LOSE) BECAUSE I NEED THE 100$ NOW. INCREMENTAL PAYMENTS WON’T CUT IT.”

APPLYING DEAR MAN SKILLS TO CURRENT INTERACTION A GOOD RX, A CONVICT,” WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TOMORROW IF I USE NOW?” HAVE TO USE MORE TO GET THE SAME EFFECT. ODEN WORLD. TREE. 9 DAYS. 9 NOBLE VERSES. HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED CAN ONLY BE STOPPED BY INTERVENTION EMBARASSED -> MAD -> STUPID ADDICTION IN KRONIC IT CANNOT BE CHANGED NOT USE BECAUSE PARENTS HAVE NONE. NONE AT P.O.’S OFFICE. CRAVINGS AROUND MOTHER – SOBER 4 HIS MOTHER “WHEN A CRAVING HITS, EVERYTHING ELSE IS OUT DOOR.” ALL SYSTEMS GO LOSS OF PURPOSE ASKS FOR A SIGN FROM GOD WANTS TO BE A BETTER PERSON USING MORE THAN NECESSARY TOOK A SPOON TO SHOW AND TELL (DAUGHTERS) ON ACCIDENT 12 STEPS – WHITE BISON, CELEBRATE RECOVERY… ALLUMBAUGH (HELPFUL BEHAVIORS, CODEPENDENCE)… SMART RECOVERY *PURE WELLNESS* RED HOUSE. BIOLOGICAL LIFE DETERRATION. CAN’T GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER – IS CONTROLLING ME!! ADDICTION PRIMARY DISEASE – LOST POWER OF CONTROL DO NOT SCHEDULE IF YOU ARE USING BECAUSE SCHEDULING IS STRUCTURE LEARN ORGANIZATION BRING SCHEDULE BOOK TO SOCIAL WORKER A.A. -> N.A. -> C.A (COCAINE ANONYMOUS) -> 7’O CLOCK -RED HOUSE- *WAR STORIES*

DISTRESS TOLERANCE

ACTIVITIES! CONTRIBUTING! COMPARISONS! PUSHING AWAY! THOUGHTS! SENSATIONS! CONSIDER LAST YEAR MAYBE YOU WERE IN JAIL. NOW AT LEAST YOU ARE NOT IN JAIL. PUERTO RICO HURRICANE COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS LESS FORTUNATE “BOO-HOO” EDUCATE YOURELF, LISTEN TO “THE BLUES” LISTEN TO EMOTIONAL MUSIC THAT CREATES DIFFERENT EMOTIONS LEAVE THE SITUATION MENTALLY BUILD AN IMAGINARY WALL WITH IMAGINARY SOLDIERS PUT THE PAIN IN A BOX ON A SHELF YELL: NO! A PILL BOTTLE WITHOUT A LABEL? LET IT BE. COUNT CARDS “AS AN IMPATIENT, I WOULD COUNT THE TILES ON THE CEILING” SELF-SOOTHING: VISION, HEARING, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH IMPROVING THE MOMENT: IMAGERY, MEANING, PRAYER, RELAXING, ONE THING AT A TIME, VACATION, ENCOURAGEMENT

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.2

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE “ACCEPTING THE WAY YOU LIVE IN THE MOMENT.” ACCEPTING THE SITUATION WITHOUT BEING BITTER DO NOT THROW A TANTRUM WITHOUT RESPONDING WITH WILLFULNESS INEFFECTIVITY “WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT” CONSTANT PAIN LEARNING EXPERIENCES – LEARNING TO LIVE THROUGH PAINFUL TIMES SOME PEOPLE HATE MENTAL HEALTH DIAGNOSIS AND DIDN’T ASK NOR DESERVE IT COPE, REDUCE, FIND BALANCE ACCEPT REALITY!! THE RULES OF THE UNIVERSE! ………..IF YOU DO NOT ACCEPT REALITY…… YOU WILL GO BACK INTO HELL………. *INSERT PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE’S FACE HERE WITH A MENACING TONE MEANT TO INDUCE TORTURE TO INNNOCENT SOULS* “WE’RE ALL SHEEP AND THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHARD” “ADDICTION IS DRIVING YOUR BEHAVIOR!” CAN BE MUCH WIDER THAN NARROWED EXAMPLES GENE FOR ADDICTION --DENY COMPLIANCE- CONTINUE USE TO GET MY LIFE BACK.-- OR DISCONTINUE USE FOREVER, BE THE SHEEP INSTEAD OF THE HERDER! --BELIEVE THIS IS REAL AND THAT THEY HAVE CONTROL OVER MAN-KIND SUPPOSEDLY DOCUMENTARIES ON POLICE CONTROL, SHEEPLE, PROHIBITION, WAR STORIES, POLICE INTERFERENCE, COPS, RENO 911. GHANDI/CONFUSCIOUS/BUDDHA – GOOD POLICE/MILITARY – BLECK

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.3 TURNING BAD STUFF INTO GOOD ENERGY - SUBLIMATION ALTERNATE REBELLION WHEN ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS ARE A WAY TO REBEL AGAINST AUTHORITY, TRY ALTERNATE REBELLION WHICH IS A WAY TO DO SOMETHING INSANE BUT WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS - SHAVE YOUR HEAD …..GIRLS ALL CAME IN FORMAL ATTIRE, FOO FOO GIRLS URGE TO DROP ACID… REGULARE FOLK – GO DO IT! CONTROLLED FOLK – HYSTERIA, OMG, I CAN’T EVEN. HUH.

ADAPTIVE DENIAL REFRAME YOUR CRAVINGS. COOKIES – WHEN I WANT A COOKIE, THINK THAT YOU WANT AN APPLE INSTEAD WHEN I FEEL URGE TO SMOKE A TOBACCO, LIFT WEIGHTS INSTEAD ANOTHER INTERESTING EXAMPLE OF SUICIDIAL PEOPLE: WHEN I FEEL LIKE DYING, SLIT WRISTS INSTEAD GET URGES TO DRIVE BUT SAY, YOU CANNOT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ADDICT

*POP SELF WITH RUBBER BAND* *SQUISH BALL* *GONNA DEFEND MYSELF…. BASEBALL BAT…. BOTTLE TO CRACK… BREAK THINGS* SELF-CONTROL… SLEEP-DEPRIVATION…… CRY “GO FOR A WALK AT 6 AM AND THAT IS COOL” – A PUN.. “I LIKE SUN ON MY BONES”

BURNING BRIDGES SLAM THE GARAGE DOOR OF ABSTINENCE SHUT LIST EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ADDICTION POSSIBLE AND GET RID OF IT… -GET RID OF MY WHOLE SELF- “I AM A BONG” LIST AND DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN THAT WILL MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO NOT USE -STAYING ALIVE- WAS HOLDING ONTO FRIEND’S MONEY…. “I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER”.. CODEPENDENCY TELL EVERYONE YOU HAVE QUIT!! BUILDING NEW BRIDGES SMELLS TO THINK ABOUT – MY COLOGNE I LIKE NOTHING “RECOVERY HAS SHOWN ME THAT I CAN BREAK THE PATTERN” – URGE TO DRINK BREATHING PHILANTHROPY! EMOTIONAL REGULATION DISTRESS BUTTON WHAT WILL I TAKE AWAY FROM IT “I COULDN’T CHANGE INTO THE SPIRAL” “DO YOUR BEST TO STAY OPEN-MINDED” “I CAN STAY SOBER” FIND THE MAGIC MOMENT – “BACK TO THE TRACKS I GO”

EMOTIONS – POWER – ANGER – “WHY ME?” ->->-> DISTRESS “STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE UNCONTROLLABLE OR WE COULD SPEND ALL DAY TRYING TO CHANGE THE CONTROLLABLE” TRYING TO CHANGE A BEHAVIOR LAWS APPLICABLE TO THE DEAD DON’T PERTAIN TO ME

WILLINGNESS WILLINGNESS IS ACTING WITH AWARENESS THAT YOU ARE PART OF THE UNIVERSE DOING JUST WHAT IS NEED – GETTING HERE AND SHOWING UP TO GROUP WILLINGNESS VS WILLFULNESS WILLFULLNESS IS WRECKLESS DEFIANCE FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU HAVE A DRUG DEALER THAT YOU SHOULD DELETE, BUT YOU DON’T WILFULLNESS IS “I WILL NOT TAKE MY MENTAL HEALTH MEDICATION” IT IS NOT CARING ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES AND IT IS NOT RATIONAL WILLINGNESS IS: “I AM WILLING TO OBEY THE LAW!!” WILLFUL: MY KIDS CAN NOT BE INDEPENDENT THOSE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT “I WENT TO A MEETING AND SOME BORING OLD HAG WAS TELLING HER LIFE STORY. I LEFT BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR A LIFE STORY…. I WANTED TO HAVE A GROUP DISCUSSION!!” SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLFULNESS: FEEL IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE --NOT DOING MY CHORES-- SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLINGNESS: GO ANYWAY AND TRY TO…. SEE A ‘CHANGE’?? ‘FOR BETTER OR WORSE??’ REFUSE TO TOLERATE WILLFULLNESS

“SOME PEOPLE WITH SET TESTING WILL DRINK AROUND THE TESTS. I WAS AT THE STORE AND REALLY WANTED TO GRAB A CASE TO GET DRUNK WITH MY GIRL”

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS: I AM FEELING STRESS, ANXIETY DON’T ACT ON THOUGHTS =) ANXIETY ATTACKS – MEDICATION – SHOWER – COFFEE ADOPT A CURIOUS MIND CRACK DREAMS – DREAMS OF SMOKING CRACK “YES, I AM AN ADDICT, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I NEED TO GO USE TODAY” “LIKE, OH, I MIGHT GO MURDER SOMEONE..” GETTING HIGH TO EAT COOKIES MIND LIKE A TEFLON PAN, SHIT GETS ON THE PAN BUT WILL EASILY GET OFF TREES HAVE STRONG HEAVY ROOT SYSTEMS THERE IS WEED KILLER DON’T WASTE DAY ON SHITTY SHIT

CATASTROPHIC THINKING IS “EMOTION MIND”

-CONTROL- -ROBOTISIZE- -HEAP PEOPLE INTO ORGANIZATION- -DON’T LET THEM OUT OF THE BOX YOU HAVE CREATED THEM- -BLACK/WHITE ROBOTIC, ALL OF THE SAME- -SAME ACTIONS, SAME SPEECH, SAME THOUGHTS- -IN UNIFORM IN LINES FOLLOWING A LEADER- -IDENTICAL- -NO SPONTANEITY OF ACTION OR EMOTION- -MAKE SURE THEIR DOPAMINE, GLYCERIDES AND TRIGLYERIDES ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME, IN ORDER- MONO UNIVERZ: A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE. MISSION CONTROL UNDERSTANDING THE BRAIN’S CENTRAL CONTROL SYSTEM IF YOU CANNOT HAVE HAPPINESS CONTROLLED, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SAD, BUT IF YOU ALREADY HATE YOURSELF THEN USING DRUGS COULDN’T BE TOO BAD BECAUSE YOU WERE ALREADY A SAD SACK OF EMPTY FLESH. LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU DIE. LIMBIC: EMOTION, MEMORY, MOTIVATION, AND OTHER FUNCTIONS CRITICAL TO SURVIVAL. INCLUDES HIPPOCAMPUS, (MEMORY), AMYGDALA (FEAR/EMOTIONS), VENTRAL STRATIUM (REWARD), HYPOTHALAMUS (APPETITE, THIRST, BODY TEMPERATURE), AND PARTS OF THE CORTEX! CEREBRAL CORTEX: AWARENESS, ATTENTION TO SURROUNDINGS, ABILITY TO THINK, SOLVE PROBLEMS, PLAN AND MAKE DECISIONS! CEREBELLUM: CONTROL, COORDINATION, MUSCLES AND BALANCE, POSTURE! BRAIN STEM: BASIC FUNCTIONS, BREATHING, SLEEPING, HEART RATE! THE LIMBIC SYSTEM , THE PLEASURE CENTER THAT BRINGS YOU JOY FROM DRUGS

ABUSING SEDATIVES AND PAINKILLERS CAN SLOW BREATING PARTS OF BRAIN AFFECTED OVER TIME WITH DRUG USE: AMYGDALA, CEREBELLUM STEROIDS AND METH CAN LEAD TO AGGRESSION MARIJUANA AND ALCOHOL CAN AFFECT MOVEMENT AND COORDINATION COMBINING SEDATIVES WITH ALCOHOL CAN SLOW HEART RATE MARIJUANA IMPAIRS THE ABILITY TO THINK CLEARLY! CEREBRAL CORTEX DOESN’T FULLY DEVELOP UNTIL A PERSON IS ABOUT 25. WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR TEEN TO KNOW TO AVOID DRUGS? BECAUSE THEY WISH TO USE THEIR BRAINS FOR THEIR FUTURE LIVES CHICKS WILL DIG THEM. THEY WILL MAKE BABIES AND MONEY. AHH, WITHOUT BRAIN USE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A CHICK AND THAT WILL MEAN NO BABY AND NO MONEYS =( PLUS, EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT BABIES OR ANY CHICKS, YOU WILL STILL NEED YOUR BRAIN TO MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS AND CONTROL YOUR LEVEL OF HAPPINESS (E.G. PROZAC)

DRUG KILL NUERONS BUT YOU CAN GROW BACK BRAIN CELLS OVER TIME WITH SOBRIETY.

THE MIND IS AN OVERGROWN JUNGLE STFU AND DEAL GANGLI CHALLENGE THE NEGATIVITY TOUGHIE B/C HE DIDN’T WANT TO ACCEPT FORGE NEW PATHS --YOU CANNOT DO DRUGS AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME, YOU MUST STAY IN HIDING-- “WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT?” ONE BEER WON’T HURT YOU! BUT PAUSED BEFORE TWO. DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO SHE WENT TO A.A. --WHAT IS A WORD FOR NONCOMPLIANCE TO A POLICE – A SEPARATE CHARGE?? “RESISTING ARREST.”-- WOMAN IN JAIL’S HEROIN CHARGE… DROPPED FROM DISTUBUTING LOADS OF HEROIN TO CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT. ALIEN IMMIGRANTS

TRIGGERS DENIAL, BOREDOM, LONELINESS RELAPSE JUSTIFICATION -> “I’LL JUST TAKE ONE”, A MINIMIZING STATEMENT SWAP SUBSTANCES AIDS IN RELAPSE “IF YOU BEEN IN TROUBLE 2X THEN YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE IN TROUBLE A THIRD TIME” ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY: I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT RECOVERY I DON’T THINK STAFF CAN HELP I DON’T TRUST THE STAFF “THE WORLD AROUND US IS CHANGING” HAVE AN EXIT PLAN: WOULD ALWAYS DRIVE AFTER DRINKING, SO STARTED CALLING SISTER CALL SOMEONE TO HELP

IT GETS WORSE AND WORSE THE MORE YOU RELAPSE YOU HAVE COME SO FAR AND DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO START ALL OVER FEMALE HOMES: THE RISING SUN, WHITE SUN ACTIVE RECOVERY AIDS IN REDISCOVERING OURSELVES HE WOULD PUT ALL HIS DRUGS DOWN THE TOILET WHEN HE WAS RAIDED DO NOT CHOOSE TO THINK OF DRUGS/ALCOHOL TRIGGERS…. THOUGHT LEADS TO USE. PAUSE AND STOP THOUGHTS RELAXATION…CRAVINGS..CRAMPING….BREATHING

EMOTIONAL MIND AND RATIONAL MIND ARE AT A “CONSTANT TUG-A-WAR” WORKING ON ACCEPTANCE AND CHANGE “IT IS IN THE DRUG DEALER’S BEST INTEREST THAT YOU USE.” WHAT IS VALIDATION? UNDERSTANDING HOW SOMEONE FEELS USING NO BLAME GAMES. VALIDATING SOMEONE CAN MAKE THEM FEEL WORTHY SOME STEADY NERVES WITH ALCOHOL – “LIKE A SURGEON” DBT IS FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO THINK DIFFERENTLY DBT SKILLS LIST MINDFULLNESS: OBSERVE, DESCRIBE, PARTICIPATE, NON-JUDGEMENTAL STANCE, ONE-MINDFULLY, EFFECTIVELY DISTRESS TOLERANCE, CRISIS SURVIVAL: WISE MIND ACCEPTS, SELF-SOOTHE, IMPROVE THE MOMENT, HALF-SMILE, CREATIVE OUTLET ACCEPTING REALITY SKILLS: PROS/CONS, RADICAL ACCEPTANCE, TURN THE MIND, WILLINGNESS PLEASE, BUILD MASTERY, JUST ACT, GIVE MYSELF CREDIT, BUILD POSITIVE EXPERIENCES, OPPOSITE TO EMOTION, FEEL YOUR FEELINGS INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS SKILLS: ATTEND TO RELATIONSHIPS, GIVE, DEAR MAN, FAST --THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHIRST-- STOPPED AND LISTENED AND DIDN’T THINK ON WHAT NEEDED TO SAY NEXT DON’T TAKE THINGS NEGATIVELY AND DON’T REACT ON THINGS

700,000 YEARS OF WILLFUL LAWLESSNESS --BLANK RESUME—WALKING, TALKING, COMMUNICATING ARE SOFT SKILLS… BEING PERSONAL, BEING POLITE, SMILING WISE MIND BRINGS LEFT BRAIN AND RIGHT BRAIN TOGETHER – THE MIDDLE PATH REASONABLE MIND IS COOL AND RATIONAL, TASK FOCUSED EMOTION MIND IS HOT, MOOD-DEPENDENT AND EMOTION-FOCUSED ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION TO BEING HURT PAINFUL EMOTIONS CAN CAUSE YOU TO JUMP THE GUN AND JUMP INTO DRUGS USE FOR BAD FEELINGS LINEHAN AND LACKING AN EMOTIONAL SKIN LIKENING IT TO A BURN VICTIM WHO FEELS PAIN AT THE SLIGHTEST TOUCH OVER TIME OF BEING CRITISIZED ON THEIR EMOTIONS THEY SHOULD BEGAN TOFEEL THEY SHOULD HAVE DIFFERENT EMOTIONS AND THEIR EMOTIONS ARE NOT VALID, THEY HAVE TO CHANGE WHO THEY ARE OR THEY ARE JUST OVER-REACTING THEY WILL REJECT OR PUNISH THEMSELVES

ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY IN ORDER TO GET OVER A ROADBLOCK YOU HAVE TO WORK ON IT ATTITUDES -I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF --WHO WOULD WANT TO CHANGE ME??-- -I DON’T LIKE TAKING MEDICATIONS PERSONALITY -I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS -I DON’T FEEL CLOSE TO ANYONE -I DON’T LIKE TO LISTEN TO AUTHORITY FIGURES LIFESTYLE -MY LIFESTYLE CENTERS AROUND GETTING OR USING CHEMICALS -MY LIFE IS A DRAG AND I DON’T HAVE MUCH TO DO THAT IS REWARDING OR FUN OTHER -FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES -FEEL I’M IN A BAD SITUATION AND WILL ONLY PUT ME IN A MORE PESSIMISTIC FRAME OF MIND

WAYS TO OVERCOME ROADBLOCKS #1: I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: HIDE MYSELF FROM OTHERS. DON’T MAKE A NUISANCE, LEAVE HOME AND REMAIN AN ANONYMOUS INVISIBLE BEING.. CHANGE MY NAME AND DISOWN MY GUARDIANS.. “DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING, BE NOTHING.” MAYBE THEY CAN FIND OTHER WAYS TO ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES OTHER THAN ME AND MY DEAL AND FORGET ME AS I HAVE FORGOTTEN MYSELF. #2: I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: MY FREEDOMS ARE STRIPPED. I CANNOT LEAVE HOME. MY GOALS/PLANS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM DOING THESE PROGRAMS. WHICH IS WHY I CONTINUOUSLY ASK WHO/WHAT I AM DOING TREATMENT FOR. WHEN I DO NOT STUDY I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MYSELF. WHICH IS WHY I SAY I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. IT APPEARS I FEEL OVERCONTROLLED, LIKE A RAT IN A CAGE WITH NO FREEDOMS. I MAY NOT BE HUMAN ANYMORE MORE LIKE A BREATHING ZOMBIE. THROUGH TREATMENT I HAVE FELT IT GREATLY INTERFERES WITH MY STUDYING AND HOBBIES. I DO NOT HAVE FAITH IN THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR SYSTEMS/WAY OF LIFE. I WANT NO PLACE IN THEIR TOWN.

ADDICTION/RECOVERING YOUR HONESTY. LIES: I LIED TO ATTORNEY/P.O. EXAMPLE: I TOLD THEM I WASN’T DRIVING WHEN THEY ARRESTED ME. I WAS ARRESTED WHEN I WAS PULLED OVER/PARKED AND NOT DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. I TOLD THEM I DIDN’T START DRINKING UNTIL WELL AFTER I WAS PARKED, BECAUSE MY CAR RAN OUT OF GAS. I HAD THE BEER, OPENED IT WAS WAITING ON MY RIDE BUT IT WAS A COLD NIGHT AND NEEDED A DRINK TO WARM ME UP AMIDST THE WAIT. SHE SAID IT DIDN’T MATTER IF I WASN’T DRIVING, IF I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION AND WAS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT, THEY CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WEREN’T PREVIOUSLY DRIVING OR ABOUT TO DRIVE. WELL, TRUTHFULLY, I WAS NOT ABOUT TO DRIVE BECAUSE I WAS ALL OUT OF GASOLINE AND MY CAR WOULDN’T EVEN START, LET ALONE DRIVE. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION TO KEEP THE LIGHTS ON BECAUSE IT WAS DARK AND TO HAVE MY HAZARD SIGNALS ON BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN’T BLINK WITHOUT KEY IN IGNITION. BUT I LIED SAYING I WASN’T DRIVING AFTER DRINKING BECAUSE I HADN’T STARTED UNTIL AFTER I PARKED. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD BEEN DRIVING AFTER DRINKING, BUT I HAD NOT DRANK IN TWO HOURS AND HAD ONLY DRUNK ROUGHLY 2 BEERS. I THOUGHT I COULD FIGHT AGAINST MY CHARGES WITH THE EVIDENCE THAT THE POLICE NEVER ACTUALLY SAW ME DRIVING AND THEY HAD NO WAY TO TELL WHEN I HAD DRANK. I DIDN’T FIGHT IT BECAUSE I WAS YOUNG AND SCARED AND FIGURED NO ONE WOULD BE ON MY SIDE IF THEY SAW ME, BEING A LESBIAN AND ALL. I KNEW MOST OF THE JURY WOULD PROBABLY BE DESCRIMANATORY, JUDGEMENTAL FOLK SO I DID NOT ATTEMPT TO FIGHT MY FIRST DUI CHARGE. I HAD NO IDEA I WOULD BE TAKEN AWAY A SECOND TIME. OBVIOUSLY THE POLICE DIDN’T CARE. I WAS GRABBED AND SHOVED IN THEIR CAR. IT DID NOT LOWER MY FINES OR LESSEN MY CONSEQUENCES TO TELL THE ATTORNEY AND MY P.O. I WASN’T DRINKING BEFORE I WAS PARKED. THEN AGAIN, I DID NOT KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES WOULD BE SO DREADFUL OR I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY WENT TO TRIAL TO FIGHT THE CHARGE, OTHERWISE JUST TOO NAÏVE AND YOUNG TO GO TO TRIAL, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GO TO JAIL SO I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. NOW I JUST PAY AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

*SOME WILL LIE TO MAKE YOUR DRUG USE NOT SEEM AS BAD AS IT IS. SOME LIE TO LOVED ONE OR SPOUSES SAYING THEY ARE NOT ‘USING.’

OTHER LIES I HAVE LIED TO MY SCHOOL. I HAVE TOLD THEM I WAS SICK ALTHOUGH I WAS JUST TRUANT.. BUT I DIDN’T CARE IF I GRADUATED. I HAVE LIED TO MY FAMILY… I HAVE TOLD THEM THAT I LOVE THEM

EXAMPLES OF MY SNEAKY, DISHONEST BEHAVIOR I WOULD USE MARIJUANA FREQUENTLY. I WOULD SPEND MONEY MY MOM WOULD GIVE ME ON WEED, WHICH I ACTUALLY FOUND OUT IS A TYPE OF FINANCIAL ABUSE. I HAD DONE THIS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL WHEN SHE WOULD GIVE ME LUNCH MONEY AND INSTEAD OF BUYING LUNCH, I WOULD BUY WEED. I WAS IN DESPERATION BECAUSE I COULD NOT FIND A JOB AND MARIJUANA WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME LESS DOWN IN THE DUMPS, SO I HAD A NICE ROUTINE OF BORROWING MONEY AND LIGHTING UP SO I COULD FEEL LESS LIKE TRASH. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT THE TIME THAT SHE WAS NEVER VERY WELL OFF AND DID NOT HAVE EXTRA MONEY TO BE USING ON MY DRUG USE. I JUST REMEMBER BEING A GIRL AND THINKING SHE WAS SO RICH AND SMART THAT SHE HAD PLENTY AND ME ASKING FOR SOME EVERY SO OFTEN REALLY WOULDN’T HURT HER FINANCES. I WOULD SAY “WELL I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB CONSTANTLY, BUT NO ONE WILL HIRE ME. I AM GETTING LUNCH. HOW COULD ANYONE IN THE WORLD LIVE OFF 10$ A DAY? SO I’D RECEIVE MORE MOSTLY IN 5$ INCREMENTS UNTIL I’D HAVE ENOUGH FOR A 10$ SACK AND A HALF TANK OF GAS. THE TEN SACK WAS ABOUT A GRAM AND WOULD LAST ME 2-3 DAYS. I WAS UNEMPLOYED FOR 4 YEARS. DISABILITY I HAD APPLIED TO 2X, LAST IN APRIL OF 2017, THEY WOULD NOT ACCEPT ME. IT WAS ALWAYS, “YOU’RE NOT DISABLED ENOUGH OR YOU HAVEN’T WORKED ENOUGH TO RECEIVE ANY BENEFITS.” I GUESS, I PUT ON A GOOD ACT WHEN I GO TO THE DISABILITY OFFICE TO APPEAR NOT DISABLED ENOUGH. I NEVER FOUND THAT FAIR BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE RECEIVING DISABILITY AND I GUESS IT WAS TOO MUCH WORK TO GIVE BENEFITS TO JUST ONE MORE. SO I HAVE RECENT GOTTEN WORK AND AM GIVING MONEY BACK YO MY MOM. SHE MUST HAVE LOANED ME A COUPLE THOUSAND FOR DRUG/ALCOHOL/GAS MONEY. I AM TRYING TO GIVE HER ALL OF THAT BACK AND PAY OFF HER CAR. WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU WERE CAUGHT LYING: HAD TO SERVE 2 YEARS PROBATION 15 DAYS IN JAIL PAY FINES OF 7,000$+

IMPACT OF YOUR DISHONESTY: I HAVE HURT THE SHADOW MAN. I HAVE UNDERMINED HIS MANHOOD AND DEMANNED HIM TO MAKE HIM ANGRY WITH ME.

HOW YOU HAVE HURT YOURSELF: BECAUSE OF MY DRINKING AND DRIVING I HAVE BEEN HELD HOSTAGE FOR 1 YEAR AND 7 MONTHS. I USED TO WALK TO LEAVE BUT THEN I ANGERED THE SHADOW MAN AND HE HURT ME SO I CAN NO LONGER LEAVE MY HOME. I WILL MOSTLY ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER.

FEELINGS THAT OCCURRED BECAUSE OF YOUR DISHONESTY: RATHER BY ALONE, WANT TO RUN AWAY…. SO I WOULD ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER AND CRY

POSITIVE EFFECTS FROM TAKING THE RISK TO BE HONEST: I CAN LEAVE THE PLACE I AM HELD HOSTAGE IN, RUN FROM THE SHADOW MAN AND NOT BE PUT IN HARMS WAY EVER AGAIN.

HOW TO BE MORE REAL WITH THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE: I DON’T HAVE ANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE

DEVELOP A GOAL FOR IMPROVING YOUR ABILITY TO BE HONEST IN RECOVERY. DEVELOP A PLAN TO BE MORE AND MORE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS: STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY GET OUT OF HARMS WAY

DENIAL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE MAY CAUSE YOU TO NOT SEE THINGS THE WAYS OTHERS SEE THEM. NOT NOTICE THEY ARE WRECKING HAVOC ON YOUR LIFE. MAY NOT SEE THEIR USE AS A PROBLEM, LIKE OTHERS DO. DENIAL KEEPS THE PROBLEM GOING. DENIAL IS CAUSED BY FEAR. PEOPLE ARE AFRAID IF THEY ASK FOR HELP AND ADMIT THEY HAVE A PROBLEM PEOPLE WILL LABEL THEM AS “WEAK” “CRAZY” OR “A BAD PERSON” ENABLING IS WHEN OTHERS SEE THE USER HAS A PROBLEM BUT DOES NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT TYPES OF DENIAL 1) MINIMIZING – SOMEONE MAKES SOMETHING BIG SEEM SMALL. “IT IS JUST MARIJUANA IT IS THE SAME AS BEING SOBER, BUT ENHANCED.” “AT LEAST I WAS NOT SLAMMING.” OR I.E. “I ONLY SMOKE WEED A FEW TIMES A WEEK.”

2) RATIONALIZING – USES REASONS OR EXCUSES TO USE “IT’S MY WAY.” “WELL, IF IT WERE LEGAL, I WOULD USE.” “USE IS A THING OF LIFE.” “IT HAS HEALTH BENEFITS.” “IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER” “I’M ALREADY LATE SO I WILL CONTINUE USING” TEXTBOOK: “IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, SO IT IS OK TO GET DRUNK.”

3)BLAMING – AVOIDING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR CHOICES BY POINTING FINGER, LIKE OTHERS CAUSE OUR PROBLEMS. “THEY PROVIDED IT AND OFFERED.” “WIFE USED ME TO DO BUSINESS.” “IT’S YOUR FAULT.” “FUCK THE POLICE.” “HEALTHCARE PROVIDED HIM WITH THE MEDICATION…. FOR MANY YEARS” TEXTBOOK: “MY PARENTS WON’T STOP NAGGING ME SO I GET HIGH.”

4)LYING – WEAVE A COMPLEX WEB TO COVER LIES. LIE ABOUT USE. EASY TO LIE. “IF I WAS CONFRONTED ABOUT LYING, I WOULD NOT DENY IT… I CALLED UP A COP ONCE AND ASKED HIM TO TAKE ME IN.” “BECAUE YOU SAW ME WITH IT, I’M NOT GOING TO BS YOU.” WOULD LIE TO WIFE ABOUT USE. TEXTBOOK: WHEN WE ARE AT A USING PARTY, WE SAY, “I WAS JUST AT A FRIENDS HOUSE!”

5)INTELLECTUALIZING OR COMPARING – COMPARE TO OTHERS TO MAKE OUR PROBLEMS SEEM SMALLER. “THEY DO NOT HARASS THE RICH FOLK IN THE MCMANSIONS.” “WELL, WHY CAN’T I USE?” “THEY HAVE NO SOULS ANYWAY AND JUST SPEND ALL THEIR MONEY ON DRUGS. WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE. FOR WHOM ARE WE TRYING TO STOP RANDOM USERS FROM USE?” “SO & SO LIVED IN A TENT, I DID NOT.”

6)DIVERTING – CHANGING THE TOPIC WHEN ASKED ABOUT USE. “WHERE YOU USING LAST NIGHT?” “WHAT DO YOU THINK!!!” LOOK AT HER AND WALK OFF. “HEY IT’S MY LIFE. YOU DON’T MATTER ANYWAY.” “DO I KNOW YOU?” ONE PERSON’S TENT IS ANOTHER’S PALM TREE. TEXTBOOK: “YOU CAN HOME PRETTY LATE LAST NIGHT” “WELL, DID ANYONE CALL FOR ME?”

7)ANGER – EXPLODE WITH ANGER WHEN CONFRONTED “DAMN YOU! YOU MUST BE THE HIGH AND MIGHTY ALL POWERFUL!!” “WHO ARE YOU TO TOUCH MY PROPERTY!!” ANGRY IF I WAS HIDING DRUGS AND SOMEONE WAS SNOOPING. ANGRY WIFE SO HE DISSOCIATED

HOW TO HELP OVERCOME DENIAL. IT IS POSSIBLE! CONFRONT THEM WHEN THEY USE THOSE TYPES OF STRATEGIES. YOU WILL KNOW THEY ARE CURED WHEN!!! OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGES EXISTENCE OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM…. “YEAH, I USE.” ACCEPST RESPONSIBILITH FOR THEIR CHOICES AND BEHAVIORE…. “MY BAD HOMIE.” LESS DEFENSIVE AND MORE OPEN….. “WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME?” SEES CONNECTION BETWEEN USE AND LIFE PROBLEMS… “NOW THAT I USE I CANNOT BUY A MANSION” INCREASE IN HONESTY……… “I USE FREQUENT AND PREFER IT TO SOBRIETY.. AFTER TRYING BOTH WAYS.” DEALS WITH PROBLEMS WITH CONTINUED POSITIVE ACTIONS…… “I WON’T USE EVERY DAY.” MY CHOICE..NO BIG DEAL

THE LAST TIME I USED WISHFUL THINKING WAS WHEN: I WISHED I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS WHEN IN REALITY: YOU EITHER HAVE TO WORK FOR MANY YEARS OR BE A VERY SPECIAL PERSON TO RECEIVE A MILLION DOLLARS. THE LAST TIME I ISOLATED WAS WHEN: I LOCK MYSELF AWAY WHEN IN REALITY: YOU WILL NEVER BE ALL ALONE AS YOU WOULD LIKE THE LAST TIME I USED DEFIANCE WAS WHEN: I PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL. “I FIGHT MYSELF, BUT I LOSE.” WHEN IN REALITY: NOW IT LOOKS BAD PROVIDES ME WITH A NEGATIVE MOOD WHEN I REALIZE I CANNOT FIX IT PERFECTLY. I HAVE TO PAYTO FIX IT AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE COULD FIX IT PERFECTLY. THE LAST TIME I USED MY OWN DEPENDENCY WAS WHEN: SINCE I CAN’T DRIVE, I WALKED 1000 MILES IN 8-10 MONTHS… TO MARKETS TO FEED MYSELF. WHEN IN REALITY: I COULD HAVE JUST DROVE WITHOUT HAVING THIS CHARGE! THE LAST TIME I MINIMIZED WAS WHEN: THIS USE OF A LIL WEED I HAVE LEFT WON’T HURT ME WHEN IN REALITY: WANT MORE WHEN I RUN OUT THE LAST TIME I RATIONALIZED WAS WHEN: “I CAN FIX IT” WHEN IT REALITY: TAKES HARD WORK TO FIX A THING THE LAST TIME I USED BARGAINING: IF YOU DOTHIS JOB WITH ME I WILL BE ABLE TO PAY YOU BACK, PAY OFF YOUR LOAN, YOU WILL NOT BE BEHIND AND IT IS A STEADY INCOME WHEN IN REALITY: IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH MONEYTO GET ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED.. HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GOING BACK ON UNEMPLOYMENT LINE AGAIN. THE WORST PLACE TO BE.

STINKING THINKING WHAT DOES STINKING THINKING MEAN TO YOU? SUCKS TO HAVE BRAIN LIST NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ON RECOVERY. WASTE OF MY VERY LIMITED TIME ALIVE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I NEED TO ACCOMPLISH THEY GOT ME INTO THIS CRAP AGAIN? WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR? --RECOVERY IS TOO HARD AND NOT WORTH IT-- --GRADUATED BEFORE BUT KEPT USING HAD TO REDO-- HAVE YOU EVER USED LIP SERVICE TO APPEASE YOUR COUNSELOR? …YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY, WHATEVER, BALOONEY. OR “I AM DOING QUITE FINE!!!” HAVE YOU EVER LIED ABOUT YOUR RECOVERY? DON’T BRING UP SPORADIC USE… KEEP SOBER DATE AS NEW YEARS 2017, BUT I HAVE USED SPORADICALLY SINCE. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL THE RULES ALL THE TIME? ..OF WHOM AM I FOLLOWING THIS RULE FOR??.. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF REPEATING SLOGANS ABOUTYOUR RECOVERY IN HOPES OF WINNING APPROVAL? ..”YOU CAN DO IT!” DO YOU BELIEVE ONE DAY YOU CAN BECOME A SOCIAL DRINKER? SOCIALIZING WHO NEEDS IT.. WHAT IS UNREALISTIC BELIEF OR GOAL YOU HAVE? MOVE..ERASE THE LAST YEARS OF MY LIFE.. ERASE MY WHOLE EXISTENCE FROM EVER HAPPENING… ERASE THE COP INTERFERENCES.. ERASE MY MISSED CHANCES GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN BEFORE EVERYTHING BECOMES SO PAINFUL AND TRAUMATIC. ARE RULES JUST FOR FOOLS? WHOSE RULES? NOTHING MATTERS. WHAT DID RULES HELP ANYONE ACHIEVE? TOTAL CONTROL? A BETTER WORLD? WHO KNOWS. DESCRIBE SOME CORNER CUTTING THAT YOU HAVE DONE RECENTLY. I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHO I AM DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR RECOVERY. MINIMIZE IT AS A RECOVERY I DO NOT NEED DO YOU FEEL OTHER PEOPLE ARE RUNNING YOUR LIFE? I AM IN THEIR GOVERNMENTALLY STRUCTURED CLASS TODAY. --FOR WHOM BY WHOM?—I HAVE NOT LIVED UP TO MY FULL POTENTIAL IN 2 YEARS. I HAVE NOT BEEN HAPPY OR FOUND MEANING OR SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT IN THESE 2 YEARS. DO YOU MAKE PROMISES WITH NO INTENTION OF CHANGING? NO DO I SOMETIMES FEEL THAT MY COUNSELOR IS A FOOL? DOESN’T MATTER WOULD BE CHAOS WITHOUT RULES LIST FIVE WAYS YOU HAVE ACTED IMMATURE IN THE PAST WEEK. I HAVE CRIED. WHAT DOES “HE’S ALL TALK” MEAN? DOES THIS DESCRIBE YOU? NOTHING TO SHOW FOR – EMPTY WORDS- TALK IS CHEAP DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE SNEAKY AND MANIPULATIVE. I STOLE MY MOM’S CAR WHEN SHE WAS ON VACATION TO SEE ONE OF MY FAVORITE ROCK BANDS IN CONCERT IN LAS VEGAS. I WAS LEFT HERE IN A PILE OF DIRT. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE HERE SO I TOOK THE CAR AND WENT TO HUNTINGTON AND BOUGHT WEED FROM THE REC SHOP. ADDICTION SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS TOLERANCE: YOU NEED TO USE MORE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS TO FEEL THE DESIRED EFFECT THE SAME AMOUNT OF ALCHOL OR DRUGS DOESN’T DO WHATIT USED TO WITHDRAWL: WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ALCOHOL OR DRUGS, YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY CRAVING: YOU THINKABOUT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL FREQUENTLY LOSS OF CONTROL: YOU’VE FELT AT TIMES THAT YOU COULDN’T FIT IN OR FEEL GOOD WITHOUT ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE BLACKED OUT (OR HAD PERIODS OF TIME IN WHICH YOU HAVE NO MEMORY) WHEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE USED ONE OR MORE DRUGS WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS OR HOW IT WOULD AFFECT YOU. LEGAL PROBLEMS: YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED OR HAD OTHER LEGAL PROBLEMS AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING PROBLEMS IN SOCIAL OR OCCPATIONAL FUNCTIONS: YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FULFILL IMPORTANT ROLE OBLIGATIONS SUCH AS HOUSEHOLD CHORES, FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES, OR CARING FOR CHILDREN OR OTHER LOVED ONES, AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING IMPAIRMENT OR DISTRESS RESULTING FROM USE: YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF FOR EXAMPLE NOT EATING WELL OR NOT PRACTICING GOOD HYGIENE BECAUSE OF YOUR ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE

WE ALL FACE STRESS, WE ALL DON’T SMOKE CRACK THOUGH PROSECUTER FIGHT BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL KEEP FROM GETTING COMPLACENT CANNIBANOID RECEPTORS IN BRAIN ONLY DRUG THAT ALREADY HAS RECEPTORS IN BRAIN AND RELEASES VERY SMALL AMOUNTS OF THC IN BRAIN REGULARLY CRF INJECTION --CHAVEZ DRUG LORDS… EL TORO..MEXICAN MAFIA-- DR. REASONS AND SWISS CHEESE MODEL DRANK TO SOBRIETY MOVIES – 28 DAYS, WALK THE LINE, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM MISHAP PREVENTION LEADING TO RELAPSE PREVENTION LAVIGNE HEART MCCAULLY STATE DEMIROL—MIDBRAIN STRATIUM—DOPAMINE— GLUTANINE AND GLUTAMATE FLASH FLOODS, A WET BRAIN NAVY PSYCHIATRIST—MEDICAL BOARD POLICE-- PLAN FOR RELAPSE. A MORAL DEFECT IN HIMSELF DISEASE MODEL DIVERSION PROGRAM 6 MO IN JAIL, 5 YEARS PROBATION ON CORONADO ISLAND

“I USED EVERY DAY FOR 5 YEARS, BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A FUTURE. ALL I LIKE TO DO IS USE. I ONLY EVER QUIT FOR TOLERANCE. I QUIT ONCE IN THAT 5 YEARS TO SEE IF I COULD GET AS HIGH AS THE FIRST 30 TIMES. I DIDN’T SO I THOUGHT 100 DAYS WASN’T LONG ENOUGH. BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO STOP USING FOR ANY LONGER, SO BECAME A DAILY USER AGAIN.”

HOW COMMON IS DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION? APPROXIMATELY 10% OF ANY POPULATION HAS AN ADDICTION (~ 700,000,000 PEOPLE) ADDICTION IS MORE COMMON THAN DIABETES (7%) PEOPLE ONLY STOP WHEN THEY HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. WHY STOP OTHERWISE? 1) ADDICTION IS PROGRESSIVE USE INCREASES IN AMOUNT AND/OR BECOMES MORE FREQUENT MORE IS NEEDED TO GET THE SAME EFFECT SEEKS MORE POWERFUL SUBSTANCES (I.E. CHANGES METHOD/TYPE OF SUBSTANCES USED) BEGINS USE IN MORNINGS, BEFORE SOCIAL EVENTS, ETC PROTECTS/HIDE STASH OBSESSION AND FANTASIZING ABOUT USE EXPERIENCES A TRUSTED RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SUBSTANCE 2) ADDICTION IS CHRONIC FINANCIAL PROBLEMS LEGAL ISSUES (DUIS, POSSESSION CHARGES, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE) 3) ADDICTION IS POTENTIALLY FATAL OVERDOSE/SUICIDE ATTEMPTS 4) ADDICTION HAS IDENTIFIABLE SYMPTOMS BLACKOUTS CHANGES IN TOLERANCE PREOCCUPATION WITH ALCOHOL/DRUGS (BEOMES MOST IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE) WITHDRAWL SYMPTOMS (TREMORS, HALLUCINATIONS, SWEATS, ANXIETY, ETC) 5) ADDICTION CAUSES LIFE DETERIORATION 6)ADDICTION IS A PRIMARY DISEASE I DIDN’T LIKE THE OTHER ME 7)ADDICTION IS PREVENTABLE ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

FIVE COMMON PROBLEMS IN EARLY RECOVERY: NEW SOLUTIONS EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP USE RUNS INTO VERY DIFFICULT SITUATIONS THAT MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN SOBRIETY

PROBLEM: CONTINUING ASSOCIATION WITH OLD FRIENDS OR FRIENDS WHO USE CAN CAUSE TRIGGERS NEW ALTERNATIVE: MAKE NEW FRIENDS AT 12 STEP RECOVERIES! …….OR SPIRITUAL RECOVERY GROUPS, NEW ACTIVITIES THAT WILL ENCOURAGE YOU TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOBER PEOPLE

PROBLEM: ANGER OR IRRITABILITY – SMALL EVENTS MAY CAUSE ANGER THAT WILL PROMPT USING NEW ALTERNATIVE: RECOVERY INVOLVES A HEALING OF BRAIN CHEMISTRY.. MOODS WILL BE AFFECTED (ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES) “NOTHING HAPPENS THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I NEED A DRINK”

PROBLEM: ALCOHOLIN THE HOME NEW ALTERNATIVE: GET RID OF IT ALL, IF POSSIBLE, ASK PEOPLE TO STOP USING IN THE HOME IF POSSIBLE. MOVE OUT.

PROBLEM: BOREDOM OR LONELINESS NEW ALTERNATIVE: GO BACK TO ACTIVITIES YOU ENJOYED BEFORE YOUR ADDICTION

PROBLEM: SPECIAL OCCASIONS NEW ALTERNATIVE: LEAVE, DON’T GO

1. ARE ANY OF THESE A PROBLEM FOR YOU? GETTING ANGRY -> FEELING LIKE I AM BEING WATCHED/FOLLOWED

2. HOW DO YOU DEAL?

TAKE A NAP. BE ALONE. REMEMBER THAT LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. BE THANKFUL AT LEAST I’M NOT SOMEONE ELSE. I.E. A LOSER.

“I CAME HERE TO STOP USING DRUGS, NOT TO STOP DRINKING.” - DRUG TREATMENT INCLUDES STOPPING ALCOHOL AS WELL. IT IS PART OF RECOVERYFROM “ADDICTION”

“I’VE DRUNK AND NOT USED SO IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.” - DRINKING OVER TIME GREATLY INCREASES THE RISK OF RELAPSE AND READDICTION.

“DRINKING ACTUALLY HELPS. WHEN I HAVE CRAVINGS, A DRINK CALMS ME DOWN AND THE CRAVINGS GO AWAY.” - ALCOHOL INTERFERES WITH THE CHEMICALS IN THE BRAIN. CONTINUED USE OF ALCOHOL ACTUALLY INCREASES CRAVINGS, EVEN IF ONE DRINK REDUCES THEM.

“I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC SO WHY DO I NEED TO STOP DRINKING?” - IF YOU’RE NOT ADDICTED, YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM STOPPING.

“I’M NEVER GOING TO USE DRUGS AGAIN, BUT I’M NOT SURE I’LL NEVER DRINK AGAIN.” - MAKE A COMMITMENT TO TOTAL ABSTINENCE! MAKE A DECISION ABOUT ALCOHOL WITH A DRUG-FREE BRAIN.

1. HAS YOUR ADDICTED BRAIN PRESENTED YOU WITH OTHER JUSTIFICATIONS FOR DRINKING ALCOHOL? ALCOHOL IS FUN AND MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY. I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO ANYWAY. LIFE ENDS EVENTUALLY, GOOD TO LIVE WHILE I CAN. A DAY UNHAPPY IS A DAY WASTED. ALCOHOL MAKE CELEBRATIONS HAPPIER. IF IT IS A RANDOM TUESDAY, ALCOHOL CAN MAKE IT INTO A CELEBRATION.

2. HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO DEAL WITH ALCOHOL ISSUES IN THE FUTURE? I WILL HOLD OFF ON GOING OVERBOARD. I USED TO DRINK SO MUCH THAT I WOULD VOMIT ABOUT 2 LITERS WORTH THEN I WOULD PASS OUT. ONE TIME I ABOUT FLOODED MY HOUSE BECAUSE I BLACKED OUT WHILE DRINKING BOUT 10 SHOTS IN A ROW. I WILL SAY I CAN ONLY HAVE 1 OR 2 DRINKS, BUT I DO NOT WANT TO ANGER MY PO OR THE POLICE BECAUSE THEY SCARE ME.

EXTERNAL TRIGGERS QUESTIONARE

TIMES/PLACES YOU MAY USE: HOME ALONE, HOME WITH FRIENDS, FRIEND’S HOUSE, PARTIES, MOVIES, CLUBS, CONCERTS, WITH FRIENDS WHO USE DRUGS, BEFORE A DATE, DURING A DATE, BEFORE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, DURING SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, WHEN CARRYING MONEY, DRIVING, LIQUOR STORE, AFTER PAYDAY, BEFORE GOING OUT TO DINNER, BEFORE BREAKFAST, AFTER WORK, SCHOOL, THE PARK, IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, WEEKENDS, WHEN IN PAIN

ONCE I USED BEFORE GOING TO A CLASS PROJECT AT THE CAPITOL CITY HALL BUILDING. A BUNCH OF OLD DUDES VOTING ON LAWS

LIST OTHER TIMES YOU USE: WHEN I WAKE UP AND HAVE SHIT ELSE TO DO ALL DAMN YEAR UNTO INFINITY BECAUSE I AM UNEMPLOYED. WHEN I AM HAVING A SHITTY TERRIBLE DAY.

LIST OCCASSIONS WHERE YOU WOULD NOT USE: GOING TO CHURCH, AIRPORT, AROUND POLICE, BEFORE WORK, WHEN AROUND EMPLOYERS, DURING A COURT HEARING FOR MYSELF, DURING DRUG CLASS OR PROBATION, WHILE AT A HOSPITAL.

LIST PEOPLE YOU COULD BE WITH AND NOT USE: ANY DAMN PERSON.

WHAT EMOTIONS WOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO USE: HAPPY, CONFIDENT, PASSIONATE, RELAXED, EXCITED, BORED, LONELY….. FABULOUS

ALMOST NEVER USE: ASLEEP ALWAYS USE: AWAKE

HAVE YOU GOT IN A FIGHT RECENTLY THAT HAS MADE YOU WANT TO USE: CHECKED YES. I AM HAPPIER WHEN I USE AND I THINK IT IS A NORMAL THING TO DO. I NEVER PLANNED TO STOP USE UNTIL GOVERNMENT INTERFERED. I DID NOT SMOKE WEED FOR THE PEOPLE INVOLVED WITH THE GOVERNMENT AND I DID NOT SMOKE WEED TO BE A STATISTIC FOR HEALTHCARE REPRESENTATIVES. I SMOKED WEED FOR MYSELF AND TO MAKE MYSELF HAVE THE BEST LIFE IMAGINABLE. I AM EXCITED TO MOVE TO A LEGAL STATE AND CONTINUING SMOKING MARIJUANA. YA KNOW, SOMEWHERE IN PRIVACY THERE.

Post Acute Withdrawal

Chinden wendys

Psychiatric Lingo

They call it Regnerative Degenerative or INTERMITTENT

Regenerative….. it will all be better soon

Degenerative ……. Symptoms get WORSE

Intermittent …… days when symptoms are better….. symptoms come and go

It is ok now Now it is bad again Now it is ok Now it is bad

Traditional treatment does not treat Most common is regenerative and then intermittent

Suicide epidemic

The weaker your resistance begins Tetanus Cut yourself on a piece of rusted metal

Lack of attention to your “recovery plan”

Stress is linchpin

Atheist/Satanist

Irrationality YOU CAN SPEAK YOUR MIND

BUT MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE AROUND YOU THINKS YOU ARE MAKING SENSE

HOW DID YOU GET HERE

STRESS GUILT CONFUSION

FIGHT A BATTLE WITHOUT A NAME

LEARNING TO TAKE THINGS A STEP THEN ANOTHER STEP

NOT OVER-REACTING TO THE SYMPTOMS.

ABSITENCE ALONE DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO PROVIDE YOU WITH GOOD HEALTH.

HOW MANY CALORIES DO I NEED EACH DAY NUTRITIONIST???? 5,000?

NO SUGAR AND NO CAFFIENE FOR A RECOVERING ADDICT. DO NOT SKIP MEALS

DO NOT EAT POTATO CHIPS SODA CANDY

DO NOT DRINK FOOD THAT PRODUCE STRESS LIKE CANDY JELLY SYRUP

LET DOWN AN HOUR LATER

JANE A RECOVERING ALCOHOL ATE ICE CREAM EVERY NIGHT

EATING ICE CREAM HELP HER REDUCE CRAVING FOR ALCOHOL

SLUGGISH AND IRRITABLE COULD NOT GET ALONG WITHOUT IT

NO BREAKFAST

CAFFEINE CAUSE NERVOUS AND RESTLESSNESS

IRREGULAR SLEEP CAUSES IRRITABILITY

EXCERSIZE REDUCES STRESS

NATURES TRANQUILIZERS

STRETCHING AND AEROBIC.

RAISE HEART RATE TO 75% OF MAXIMUM

JOGGING SWIMMING JUMPING ROPE

ABLE TO BE MORE PRODUCTIVE

EXERCISE 3-4 TIMES A WEEK

MAKE TIME FOR EVERY DAY

EVERY DAY THAT YOU DO NOT EXERCISE YOU ARE TREATING YOURSELF

NO PAIN NO GAIN

COPE LAUGHING PLAYING READING

Relapse fight/flight

Muscle cannot relax and tense at the same time

It is impossible to remain tense and relax

Can imagine yourself in a better place

Spiritual divination

Gives your life purpose!!!

Peace of mind through no limitations 😊

Can reach with hope with a positive attitude

Do not have to be open to higher powers

Prayer through spirituality

biopsychosocial

spiritually retold

wholesome living

self-fulfillment

optimum stress level

walter was irritable and anxious

experienced more about saturday

how did your week go???

Friday in wilder

missed 2 UAs – got a car

doesn’t like being alone

can’t get rides to his UA

has 4 classes a week

lives in meridian

thinking about how to get here on his off days

chris

relapse lost his job

new job at Wendy’s

nueropsych test

5 hour

st. als

major traumatic brain injury

2005

high speed rollover accident

pole thrown at her head in the back side

how to deal with problems when they occur

don’t worry

be patient

retrain your brain is rehab to be a new person

longer a peron is sober the less the symptoms become

NA and AA

EARLY RECOVERY

My use will effect them

you have to forget about them if you are putting the pipe to your mouth or you will feel guilty

I was isolated at the drug house

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