Never had I thought that I'll feel so lonely while it's snowing outside.

It's not even that windy, snowflakes are falling softly joining the already white fluff on the grass. People are saying that leaves falling at Autumn, the weather changing that that's depressing, but how can it be when the nature gets so colorful? It almost seems happy comparing to the white and grey of Winter.

There's always sun at Winter, making everything bright, but not today. It's cloudy, depressing, sad and lonely. Or...

Or it's just me, feeling lonely, missing him dearly. My tendency to get attached to someone will destroy me at some point, but then again... It's insane how I got so quickly attached to a dead guy. Happens I guess.

I need more mutuals to talk to all the time!!

Stay alone. Be comfortable. Be not afflicted.

I want to die bc I think it's the only thing that matters, but I know that even that doesn't.

There's no point to living or dying.

Might as well be a nothing that makes people happy.

Do you want a piece of art?

Wish I could trust someone enough to ask them to adjust to my pace. It’s much easier for me to adjust to someone else’s fast pace than to ask someone to be patient with me as I take my time figuring stuff out. I don’t want to waste anybody’s time. 

ah this is why i don't wake up early. all my friends are fuckin asleep

You know what? Screw it, let this post be a testament of time for me.

So, it was another slow day at work today so I couldn't help but feel that I was wasting my time but I came up with a few good ideas for my story so that's cool.

I looked outside and saw how sunny it was. Wow, good weather, a shame that I can't do anything with it. Again and again, I ask myself "What would I even do out in the weather if I wasn't here?" and again and again it's the same answer 'nothing' I just don't have anything to do. But today, that answer came back different. An image popped in my mind of Memorial Day, which just so happens to be around the corner, but I remembered we'd go over to my grandparents and sit outside, cook some burgers that you put on rolls that you wouldn't normally eat because that's too high class, you eat everything on bread, but you always see them at the store for special occasions and they taste so good when you do. Then some potato salad on a paper plate, maybe some snacks in those fruity colored bowls. There's nothing like it, except, you know, actual holidays.

The last time I had that happen was, oh, so many years ago that I couldn't tell you. Year after year after so many holidays, July 4th, Memorial Day, Labor Day, whatever the occasion, all missed. The thing is, that's not possible for me now and I'm scared that I may never see it again.

The reason for that being is that nobody else will do it. My grandpa is gone. My grandma is remarried and off somewhere on some beach. My parents can't afford to celebrate holidays like that for various reasons that I won't get into so we don't have a grill, we don't have other places to go, we don't have anybody else that we care for and care for us. Even if I had my own house and grill and all the materials to make it happen, it wouldn't be worth it if I was alone.

I have Memorial Day off of work and everyone I work with has something to do. While I'll be at home distracting myself and trying to convince myself that it is indeed just a normal day and I don't see otherwise.

It's so simple, it's so easy. It's NOTHING. But I still can't have it. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? But I keep holding myself back because then I get angry and I can't allow myself to resort to that. I can't let myself be sought with jealousy, only sadness.

Everything I feel joy with, pushes me away. They have that new Spider-Man burger at BK, sure, it's just a red dyed burger, nothing special but I couldn't have it, I can't eat what I want because of my health problems. I want to go see that very movie but who am I going to see it with? I write stories but no artist, no agent, no editor wants to work with me, nobody even gets the chance to read them before I get ignored. I'm a pathetic person right now and I acknowledge that and I like to think the best about the future but it's so hard when there's nobody there with you. The instant answer would be to blame myself, that maybe I'm not good enough to be with, or I need to be better or something along those lines but I can't believe that when nobody has a basis to go off of.

This is why I didn't celebrate my birthday and my parents keep saying "Oh, that's just part of getting older, everything gets duller." But I'm tired of it! That's gotta be a lie because I refuse to believe it. You just won't make that reality happen and instead choose to live vicariously through your children that don't know better and think it's the greatest thing anyway. I WANT to make this happen but I need other people to do it.

baby, bi bi bi

you have to love people for real. and that means loving them as people who have flaws, and will annoy you or get on your nerves some times. treating them like a toy or product you can throw away when you get bored or upset is not acceptable. it's what we've been conditioned to do, but it makes the world worse.

to be tall

It's way funnier to me to imagine that Geralt is the one who desperately wants Dandelion to winter at Kaer Morhen with him but Dandelion keeps saying no on the simple grounds that it's too fucking cold and do you want me to die Geralt? Do you want me to get hypothermia and fucking die?

And Geralt's like "please I am begging on my knees I will cuddle you every night to keep you warm I just need to prove you actually exist"

Having bpd to me is like I'm the loneliest person on the planet, no matter how many people I talk to, no matter how many connections I make or have, I'm a lonely void who will die alone. I have to be talking to someone or with someone every second of every minute of every day. I love people so much, I need people. There's so many people out there with different things to teach you. And then, if I have to talk to one person for more than 6 seconds today, I'll kill them. I'll kill myself. I need to be left alone for the rest of the day, I need no one but myself to be happy. I don't want to partake in anything with anyone because it's all draining and taking out of my alone time. Everyone is the same, they're all boring and self-absorbed. Every conversation feels like I'm forcing myself to be actively present. I just want to be alone in my room with nothing or no one. I don't see a future where I'm happy with anyone other than being by myself.

before reading 2ha, I was confused by everyone raving about someone named Chu Wanning. after reading it, I now completely understand why.

There's something to be said about Nine and Twelve as parallels, about them being these seeming grumps with hearts of gold who must relearn optimism while being fundamentally kind at the end of the day, and Eleven and Thirteen as parallels, as these lonely tinkerers who travel with multiple companions at the same time but push people away before they get too close because they are creatures built on grief, and Ten alone, as something that is all and none of the above, who starts out as a creature born of love but who loses said love and is willing to die and must find grounding but loses said grounding and declares himself the Time Lord Victorious because if he cannot have love he has to have something, anything, he can call his own, and about how all five of them are shaped, fundamentally, by their grief and their guilt over the Time War and being the last of their kind and how every companion leaves them and they will always, always be the last one in the TARDIS, always be the last one surviving, no matter what, and yet all of them, at the end of the day, die to save someone. Die to be kind, just one more time. Because that is what ties them all together. That is what makes them the Doctor.

I love how BBC Ghosts once a series is like 'and here's a new flavour of Robin being the most tragic character you will ever see' and it brings me to tears every single time

I should just stop existing