NO ITS GOOD I REALLY LOVE BEING CHRONICALLY INJURED BY A WORKPLACE INJURY THAT WAS NOT APPROPRIATELY HANDLED BY THE MOST MASSIVE PROFITABLE COMPANY ON EARTH I THINK IT'S ACTUALLY SOOOOO FUCKING FUN. i was modifying a tshirt and just BARELY started to tug on it to try to stretch it out some and heard and felt my bad elbow pop really bad and that instant shock of like. heart absolutely falling out of asshole fear of like oh great very good this is going to be weak and hurting for the next several days that's exactly what i needed right now. god i wish i had the time and resources and money and like. emotional tolerance for bullshit. to sue the absolute living fuck out of amazon for what they did to me lol i got injured at 24 and am now going to be injured for the rest of my fucking life bc of how horribly they responded to me breaking my fucking elbow at work and their refusal to give me followup care when it got reinjured. like if i had the resources and time to put in the insane amount of labor and fucking headache a workers comp suit would take i could probably get a gd settlement but i literally don't have the time or stress tolerance and they have fought me tooth and nail every time i have tried to push and fight and even just get a goddamn doctors appointment. which theyre LEGALLY required to give me and LEGALLY i cannot get care for this injury through ANYONE ELSE it HAS to be thru the job's workers comp and theyve just... literally strung me along for months and then ghosted me when ive asked for a recheck so hahahahahhaa.

getting something off my chest

hey everyone. it’s late at night and i’m very very scatterbrained as of writing this but i figure i’d just throw this into the void because i have nothing else to do. i don’t usually vent publicly but im so mentally distressed right now that i just want to get my story out there. i have decided that for my own peace i am no longer comfortable staying silent about this because the person who abused me did so with every intention of me not speaking out about it. i ask that you do not use this post to make speculative content or anything, please just be respectful. i just want people to know that this shit happened to me and it ruined my life.

trigger warning as i will be discussing incidents of abuse & grooming & horrible, genuinely life ruining manipulation that i was the victim of. these are not light trigger warnings at all, the subject matter handled here within this post is very blatant and if you are rightfully scared about seeing those topics discussed in a post i suggest you keep scrolling.

i need to warn you that i will not be using this persons online name. this isn’t to protect their identity. this is because i literally cannot type it or think about it or else i will enter a mental episode. so yeah. needless to say, if you know a certain timeline of events that’s happened to me you will instantly know who i am talking about and that’s all you need. for the record, i was a minor when this all happened. they were in their 20s.

a few months ago i, very publicly, cut ties with someone in my life who had been exposed for grooming a person. as i uncovered more evidence about them that turned into several people. what i did not realize at the time is that i was one of their many victims, and i also did not realize that i had been abused at all. that’s because they hid their own abuse of me from me.

it’s important that you know that due to a repeated amount of trauma in my life i have severe memory issues that tend to make me forget large gaps of time, along with me having dissociative fugues at set times due to that being when traumatic events have happened to me.

i knew this person far before i even thought of them as a serial abuser. back then they were my best friend and i discussed things regarding my mental health to them, believing they’d gone through a similar experience, and we’d do this as kind of a joint coping thing. now, i have mental conditions that i shared with them that i would never think to share to anyone else because they’re perceived as “inherently evil” disorders and there’s a lot of ableism around them that makes me apprehensive at best to share my experiences with having them to the public even amongst this era of mental health acceptance because of the stigma still surrounding them, but to them i shared my experiences with those disorders thinking i could trust them

and they would then turn around and use those disorders as an in to groom me.

they knew that these certain disorders were something i never wanted publicized and in order for me to call them out, i would essentially have to out myself for having those disorders in order to find peace. this is why i’m keeping my language so vague as it’s letting them win if i disclose this information about myself so just understand that.

what i mean by “they used my disorders to groom me” is that, i shared to them the certain times i would enter my dissociative states just so they would know not to message me then, as during those times i’m very susceptible to being overly agreeable and just generally having repressed trauma come back. so they knew about the times when this would happen. they were aware of the exact times .

then, during one of those times they messaged me.

they basically used my disconnection from reality as an in to groom me into their sexual fantasies and use my agreeable nature when i’m in that state to get me to roleplay with them. this is already disgusting because this is an adult and a minor. but even IF minors could consent - which they can’t - then thsi is still fucking sexual assault as i LITERALLY COULD NOT BE IN THE RIGHT MINDSET TO GIVE CONSENT. then when everything was done they went back and deleted all of their messages they sent to me, again with them being the one to initiate these extremely inappropriate advances

they would message me after i had calmed down from that state, with only the messages i sent remaining, only to push the blame on me, as if i were the one to make all that happen . they would say shit like “haha you acted so weird last night” and because they were my friend and i thought i did something bad, i laughed it off, but didn’t know how it kept happening, again, my brain does not work like a normal persons does due to trauma so i only connected that something happened after the fact

then this happened another 2 times. then another five times. and then it just kept happening

by the time they’d decided i wasn’t fun to abuse anymore, it was feburary of 2023

and they’d done this to me a total of, from what i can recall, 21 times. not that exact numbers matter, but that’s 20 more times than it takes to realize you should not have done this to someone. there is no excuse for this. they knew what they were fucking doing and that was fun for them.

i had been their friend for just shy of 2 years by then. and given that they called me their best friend and i did the same we talked about literally everything together.

i regret talking to them at all so fucking much now. because now every piece of media that i love that ive EVER talked to them about is just . forever ruined for me. because i see it and i think of them.

seeing the video games i liked at the time now makes me sick. i cant ever watch certain movies even if i loved them. because we talked about quite literally everything and anything the number of media i have to turn to for comfort can only be counted on one hand. aside from that small pool of things they have ruined so many fucking things for me aside from just media that this is going to take years and years to heal from.

i called them out on the biggest platforms i have and they refused to take accountability until i pressured everyone that knew them into confessing publicly. there for a few hours, a few very painful hours, people accused me of bullshitting. for lying for clout. they eventually did confess to everything being true, aside from my experience as i wasn’t aware what was happening at the time . only recently over the past few months have i had the strength to gather a timeline of events together and realize the nightmare scenario id been trapped in this whole time without even knowing it.

when they apologized, they did the usual influencer “i’ve been called out as a fucking pedo” song and dance of trying to dodge strays.

they said “they’d seek help”. “i’m getting therapy”.

yeah fucking right you are, you piece of shit.

do you want to know what you’d be doing if you actually wanted to take accountability? you’d fucking turn yourself in. either that or you’d be completely gone from the face of the earth in whichever way that manifests, and i wouldn’t care about how you’d go about doing it but in the case that you died or were put behind bars where you’ve belonged for fucking years, maybe then i’d be able to find peace.

but no. you’re getting help.

so go ahead. live your stupid fucking offline life.

but if i hear that you did to others what you’ve done to me, so help me god you will pay for it.

i have no real way to conclude this.

i’m just tired.

Look man I know this is probably the last thing you'd wanna hear and I say this with all due respect (which is a lot) but PLEASE be careful with what you are sharing out there. I am NOT saying don't vent at all (as that would be unhealthy and definitely do you no good) but please be careful with some of the things you're putting out there, such as your disabilities, mental health and trauma.

I am not saying this to be a meanie, (can't stress that enough as someone with trauma and ASD themself), while i think its totally great you're providing/shedding some light on certain and lesser known health issues, please be careful with what you're putting out there about yourself.

Think of it like "Do they really need to know what traumatic event happened to me?" "If someone malicious online wanted to hurt me, would this information help them proceed?" "What if someone takes this information to bully/harass me more?" While I personally have nothing against projecting as it helps some folks relate to their favorite characters more and can be a creative way to vent, I still want to stress the importance of being careful with this kind of vulnerable info on the internet. Believe me, I've been on the same page as you before (in terms of sharing and bad experiences), and it absolutely breaks my heart seeing you and others suffer, but it scares me more at the thought of someone with actual malicious intent finding those vulnerable. Not to mention, God forbid, this ends up leaking your irl life and worse.

If some of that makes no sense, I do apologize. But i stress, I am not trying to be mean by any stretch, all I ask is please please PLEASE be careful man. While you CAN find genuinely good and altruistic folks online, sadly won't mean you always will.

Just be careful out there.

//TW for anger through text because I kinda went off in this. I've had a bad day so I apologize

I assure you I am being careful. Most of this info about me is not on my record anyways because I don't want to suffer the consequences society and the government put on people diagnosed. And most that I post about are online occurrences, not a personal encounter.

I don't give a damn who sees this. Malicious people sharing my information (of which I don't share) can be easily banned for it. I refuse to silence myself after being silenced and shamed for my vent art countless times. I don't care if someone wants to shame my trauma, I don't care it they want to make me feel like it isn't valid. I seriously don't. Again, I will NOT silence myself like I did long ago because of people who thought my vent art was creepy/obsessive and weren't afraid to let me know. I'm not putting my personal information out there. You can't find me just because I explained an online experience - and if you do, policies for social media will slam the ban hammer on you for doing it.

I've received this exact type of message 5 times now, and I'm tired of it. I get it - be careful about what you post. But it gets annoying. If me helping people understand that they aren't alone through my art puts me in danger, so fucking be it. I didn't get to have that growing up because people were shamed out of it. I would've done anything to see art of characters I enjoy going through the same things as me, so I knew I wasn't alone. I didn't get it, so now I'll provide it. I won't be shamed out of it. Good day

Edit: I'd also like to add that warnings are put on the content if it's a vent so if no one wants to hear my trauma, they don't have to. It's your fault if you ignore the warnings and look at talk of my trauma when you don't want to know a random artist's trauma.

I'm surprised people aren't talking more about "exotrauma" because it feels like yet another really shit manipulation tactic a lot of endos do. I'm not saying that pseudomemories don't exist and I do think there's some genuine people out there experiencing them, but I constantly find people as young as 12 tell me that their alters/fictives know what it's like to be straight up tortured like I was, when they also confess to not knowing what it's like to have your parents turn their backs on you

oh no, i have definitely seen that in places like systwt and systok. the DID community on tumblr is overall not super crazy, though i've definitely seen that stuff before. it's places like twitter and tiktok that have the most insane, fucked up and misinformed ideas about how DID works. and yeah--it's most definitely used as a manipulation tactic.

a friend of mine just got out of a one-year relationship with a DID faker that largely used fictive pseudomemories to keep them together.

another friend of mine had dated more than one faker who used similar, though even worse and more manipulative, tactics.

in another server i'm in, i once saw a kid venting about how someone said pseudomemories/exo trauma was fake, and got very upset about it, talking about how of course they've actually been to war, that's why they were missing a limb in the inner world!

how someone can confidently self diagnose and yet be so misinformed is beyond me, until i remember all of the misinformation in carrds and "informational" twitter threads and tiktok videos. and dissociadid.

suffice to say that this isn't just a manipulation tactic that endos use, i've seen it in use by people who claim to have DID and then describe their experiences as wildly... not DID even remotely. or by people with DID who are clinging to someone very harshly and are using anything they can to keep that person with them for their own sake.

and "exotrauma" as a concept... does exist in DID. in alters with pseudomemories, they may experience memories that didn't happen, that they perceive as traumatic, because that alter is experiencing these memories instead of memories of an actual trauma, where traumatic pseudomemories are used to be metaphorical for a trauma that happened to you, and your brain just uses dissociation to cover it up and say "actually, no, this happened and it happened to this fictive here." (not that only fictives have pseudomemories, any alter can have them.)

you can't actually have exotrauma without it covering up and being metaphorical for a different trauma. this is because DID exists within your brain and solely in your brain. your alters have only ever been in your brain, just before splitting, they may have been a larger part of your subconscious, but now they're fragmented off and separated by dissociative barriers. you cannot think yourself into trauma. your brain cannot traumatize itself. your brain is instead looking at everything that happened to it, and changing it into something else for the sake of dissociating that experience away from you and the rest of the system.

if you analyze the pseudomemories some alters within your system may have, it's interesting to look at the underlying themes and how they connect to your own trauma--if you're in a safe space to and this doesn't uncover any trauma you aren't aware of. mine definitely have a theme.

this has been a pretty long rambly answer but long story short, avoid systwt and systok like the plague, and anyone that takes pseudomemories and "exotrauma" way too seriously.

           God seeing Marcy in that tank, floating and healing, unconscious… A part of me is relieved as hell, but;

           A part of me is still in utter despair. It still hurts to watch; Not only because of what happened, the emotional and mental and PHYSICAL anguish she went through… But also, even if she’s recovering, well, she still WENT through that to begin with, she shouldn’t be in this kind of state, EVER! She’s literally a child and Marcy has gone through unimaginable trauma of multiple forms, and it shouldn’t have happened at all!

           She’s not fully safe yet, she’s still by herself, still wounded… Hurting, scarred already- GOD, can you imagine Marcy handling a scar for the rest of her life, of her most traumatic experience!? Dreaming, possibly having nightmares, not even fully aware or realizing that she’s alive- She might think she’s dead, or is in too lucid of a coma-like state to even realize or remember, too lucid to be relieved and given hope. She looks so lonely in there, so forgotten...! So small, but also weirdly peaceful and tranquil, like a dead body resting... It’s bittersweet and leaves me conflict and confused like her. Blissfully unaware... of the pain but also that she’s safe and still alive, so she’s trapped in that terror in a sense. The void- She must FEEL dead and I hate it. That this is the rest from life she wanted all along...

           And I’m sad because… Marcy was so afraid of being left behind. Sasha and Anne didn’t even KNOW she was going to leave them, can you believe that?! How they’d have reacted if Marcy told them, but she didn’t trust them, didn’t feel safe enough to admit this first at least? They had no idea that they were about to lose her too, they would’ve found out on Anne’s BIRTHDAY… Marcy was so afraid of being left out, behind, alone from the others, and she kind of was on that day; Anne and Sasha had fun (well mostly Sasha) as they forgot about Marcy, who had to grapple with the worst news of her life all by herself.

          Watch Sasha and Anne’s antics, knowing that somewhere out there, Marcy is having a borderline panic attack and feels so incredibly isolated and detached, desperate even- It’s the end of the world for her, while for Sasha and Anne, it’s just goofy antics; The worst thing for Anne is being late to her own birthday, but at least there will be more birthdays, and more times to hang out with her friends. But Marcy…

           Now, Marcy is left alone, once again! Because Sasha and Anne… They have company. They have people, REAL friends. And they’ll no doubt reunite and put in the work to stop Andrias. Sasha is going to learn and heal from her mistakes, but Marcy… She’s probably going to float in that tank, all by herself, taken advantage of by Andrias’ master, for who knows how long. Marcy’s going to miss out on so much, the chance to grow and develop and be with her friends against Andrias, because now she’s trapped with them…

           Even though Marcy lived… Just. The WAY the show handled it. The complete and utter breakdown. The despair, the terror, the regret… The genuine belief that she was dead, the shock from Marcy and everyone else. It all felt real, and still does, in the moment, that you keep forgetting she lives- Like you’re actually there, reliving the moment as if it were new, each time and feeling the dread alongside everyone else. For a moment, Marcy DID die- And they’ll never forget that. She went through the experience of believing, of feeling she was dead, and for all intents and purposes she was. Marcy shouldn’t have EVER been dead…

          We would’ve had to wait who knows HOW long before we got reassurance that Marcy lived, had True Colors aired properly. Even if Marcy lives, that trauma… She’ll NEVER be the same after this, the innocent girl she was, it didn’t grow into someone else- It felt more like it was brutally murdered to make room for another, more mature yet scarred Marcy.

           Marcy may not have literally died in True Colors… But it was the death of her innocence. Her spirit, her hope, and dreams and fantasy… The fun, the carefree attitude that every kid is owed; And the trust from her friends, the trust towards others, the belief in herself. Marcy may not be completely dead, but a part of her DID die, irreparably I feel… And I’m just afraid that Marcy is going to return rather late in Season 3, and be forced to catch up on all this growth she missed out, on the time Sasha and Anne had together. Still left out…

           But, hopefully they’ll stick with her, to let Marcy know they’re never leaving her behind. But DAMN it sucks that Marcy might not get this full development on-screen, and it just feels so unfair and descriptive of her life, always overlooked and ignored, given the short end of the stick… Barely making through with the bare minimum of a victory, and just being grateful for that! I swear, I NEED to see Season 3 fully delve into Marcy’s recovery from her wound, let her realize she’s alive and still has a chance, fully develop her hope, rekindle friendships with Sasha and Marcy, actual time to do so, at her own pace (mostly)…

           Just… let Marcy be here. Let her participate like the rest of the girls, and not be forgotten and sidelined again. NOBODY deserves this, least of all a literal child like her… She just wanted to avoid loneliness. She could’ve learned her lesson without this sort of trauma, so all of it, all of Marcy’s suffering- It’s just pointless and needlessly cruel, and accomplishes nothing but to break her. And she had NO ONE to listen to her, no one who actually cared… So dammit, I want to see Marcy reconcile and vent and admit to Sasha and Anne, and have them listen and forgive her, and let Marcy know that she’s HEARD, all right! I just need some full emotional closure for her, some on-screen, canonical development, inarguably there and described, and not just alluded to or set up in an off-screen epilogue.

           And I need Marcy to know that it’s all right. That as she floats, she’s going to be dreaming a lot, and… A lot of her dreams will be nightmares. She won’t wake up for a while, she’ll be trapped in her fears, reliving trauma and isolation and despair, over and over again, not realizing that there’s an end or even that there was ever anything else to begin with. But you’ll wake up soon, Mar-Mar, and it’ll be all right… It wasn’t just a bad dream, a lot of it DID happen- But the rest, Sasha and Anne will fight to make sure it never occurs, no more pain. No more suffering and anguish… They know what happened and they will FIGHT for you this time! They’re here to protect and defend, and you can trust them, rely on them, to come for you in the end… They’ll come back, I promise.

           I want to see it- The hope, the glimmer and realization, the new life and invigoration and joy in her eyes, when Marcy first realizes that Anne and the others are coming back for her. I want to see it. And I want her to experience and appreciate this joy by herself, to be left alone with it, without Andrias or his master or anyone else there to ruin it.

           ...Not too long ago, she was so HAPPY singing with Anne and Sasha. She really thought it’d all be okay and she was looking forward to it, even! I see her in that tank and I want to hold her, cherish her, cuddle and comfort Marcy, and tell her it’s gonna be alright, it’s okay, you’re safe now- And we understand. We still love and forgive you.

Alright.. this is kind of a brain dump, really. Just some things I've been letting boil in my brain for a bit... This might be kinda long though, so I'll be putting it under a read more.

SBSBBSBS NOTE: THIS ISNT LIKE SOME VENT OR ANYTHING ITS about the officialverse/general writing shit and like. Me analyzing stuff. Bc. I want to. The topics gonna jump a lot.

Oh edit btw forgot to mention; it's perfectly fine to RB!! I encourage it I love seeing y'all's thoughts on my stuff. Please argue with me (in a safe and loving way)

Idk... It's just. The whole point of a RP is that it's a multiple person experience, yeah, but there are parts of a character that people have made that need to see light. I generally make support characters so everyone else can go buckwild and have fun (being the healer in RPGs, etc etc etc), and that doesn't just carry over to stats. If you look at Lyra, she's a genuinely interesting person with a rich past, and she FEELS real! Why is that? Because, well.. she doesn't infodump about her life to every person she meets- I can't really speak because the way I make characters is that I start with what they look like and a general base personality/backstory, plus things their good at, make the rest up as I rp (plus revise old stuff). She wasn't always a licensed therapist, I just looked at how everyone else was going and molded her character to fit the current group while she was still new and impressionable- she filled the roles that were lacking. When there's an excess angst, you need a person for your character to spill their traumatic past to. Shes that person, and it helps for her to be professionally qualified to do it, so it's never out of character.

But.. the group has changed. A lot. And I've rped things in the past that make ZERO sense for her character. (She was low-key manipulative at some points-) and with the whole The Haze(period of time in which no one was rping and online for like. A WHIILE.) Everyone's characters have changed and.. she can't really keep up with the status quo. All this stuff changing and moving and shifting- I mean she's trying to be supportive but I can't even really let her have a proper mental breakdown so she can grow because the narrative is dealing with way more important things!!!! There's no time! People might die!!

..

I guess, pulling back into what I was talking about earlier with the infodumping.. RP is supposed to be fun, absolutely correct!! Don't be perfect. Do fuck all. Screw around!!!! But.. it has to be fun for everyone, you know? There's like. The general rp rules, (don't kill another person's character without consent, don't be an asshole or no one will reply to ur rp threads,) etc etc but.. an important one is to just.

Give breathing room.

Let the characters breathe. In between arcs, allow time for fluff or recovery yeah, but also make sure that.. you don't pile things on. You risk pushing people out of the narrative when you put extra things in. For example, Vina, Ellie, Wasabi and Lyra totally just got overshadowed, which makes sense because flower was having a HER moment!! Lots of exiting plot is happening for her and I'm proud! Except then there's all the M!As and then brainwashing anon who may or may not tie into the previous stuff, and then ALSO e!lavender and now their in a forest? Which makes sense for flower I guess but how the fuck did vina get there? Inviz?

I guess just. Don't pile on problem after problem or idea after idea before you solve one. Sub plots are needed, yes, but sub plots should either be there for breathing room or to further the greater narrative, which is currently like. Whatever the fuck happened during The Haze, what the fucks up with this corporation,etc etc. current subplots that further that would be like BW(brainwashing) anon, Flowers whole metal thing, etc etc.

There's obviously going to be personal plots!! Plots that your character is working on within them. Lyra worrying and sorta having a crisis about all the shit happening, Wasabi's recovery, Inviz trying to find out what the fuck happened with his anon blaster. Those are all things that only a select few people really interfere with, and theyre instead explained through thoughts and narration.

Also: UTILIZE NARRATION PLEAAASSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I love you all but DIALOGUE IS NOT THE ONLY WAY TO SHOW EMOTION your repressed character dealing with extreme trauma isn't gonna go

"Oh im just here because I'm new and my parents abandoned me here because they knew the chief and were about to die, the wings are from my mom who is an angel."

"oh yea where's the bathroom btw" PLEAASE let your characters SHOW their internal dialogue, like maybe

"OH- sorry, still getting used to this where's the bathroom?"

What she didn't want to say was that it was actually her first day. She attempted to hide her wings by folding them into her back. She didnt want any questions about it, even if she would like to talk about it to someone..

That gives the other person space to let their character decide if they notice the other person looking a bit distressed, and for both of you to sort of get to know how each others characters interact BEFORE jumping into the heavy plot. Give it time!

Alright bye love y'all ❤️

Not Very Realistic

Ships: platonic prinxiety, platonic logince,

Warnings: Car accident, injuries, PTSD, swearing, food mention,

Summary: Roman considers his feelings about his car accident. This is basically a vent fic about a car accident I was just in, I’m okay, but that does mean it will be extremely full of angst and if that’s not your thing I wouldn’t recommend this specific story. AO3 Link

Word Count: 2.5K

-

    There’s something weird about trauma that Roman just didn’t understand. He knew that logically, that the car had crashed, but he wasn’t a very logical person. Even looking at the wreckage in full, talking about what happened to his family, part of him still refused to believe that none of it had happened. Despite looking at the cuts showing blood on his hands were right there as evidence. None of this felt real, but it was. How does he deal with that?

Roman ran his hands through his hair. It had been a few hours. His arm had gotten washed up. He was completely fine, except for a few bruises around his fingers. But was he fine? Roman had stopped crying a while ago and mostly just felt denial. Thoughts in the back of his mind were whispering ‘you wouldn’t crash a car, you wouldn’t make that kind of mistake’ and ‘you didn’t even break a bone, car accidents are worse than that.’ They were silenced when Roman breathed in, almost believing he smelt the smoke. Everything should have been fine, but he had gone and messed it up. He didn’t want to, he genuinely thought that things were going to be okay.

    But they weren’t, and they aren’t.

    It had been a few hours since the accident. Roman felt like he should be more phased. A car accident was an extremely traumatic event that he had experienced that same day! And all he could think about was the fact he couldn’t remember what it felt like. Roman knew what happened before; He was trying to make a turn on a green light and didn’t see the other car. And he also knew what happened after; calling Patton in a panic because he made a mistake he forgot that can just happen to anyone. Roman remembered the police officers and his family rushing to him, asking him what had happened, only for him to choke out that he didn’t know. He laid back on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. Realistically, he had been extremely lucky and he knew that. Car related accidents kill so many people every day. And he just spent one afternoon watching his car getting towed before going home without saying anything.

    Logan said that it wasn’t productive to think about how past events could’ve better played out. But, Roman wasn’t a logical person. He couldn’t help but imagine it. Replaying how he reacted. He could’ve been looking better, he could’ve registered how the fucking rules of the road work. Hell, he could’ve been quieter instead complaining about whatever song Virgil was playing on bluetooth. He rolled over to the side that was less hurt and took a breath.

    Virgil. He bit the inside of his cheek. This entire event wasn’t okay, and was absolutely Roman’s fault. Virgil shouldn’t have been stuck with the consequences of someone else’s actions. Roman’s thoughts helpfully reminded him that he had been in an accident, something that his brain decided to forget to process once more. Roman felt so incredibly guilty for all the pain he put everyone in. He knew that he was hurt too, but did that matter? It was all his fault, anyways.

    The door creaked open and Roman heard someone clear their throat. Roman looked up to see the other victim of the car accident. Virgil seemed tired and awkward in the doorway. “Logan made food. Said eating and drinking water can help with the effects of everything.”

    “Okay,” The way his voice croaked out the word sounded like Roman’s mouth forgot how to form words and he hadn’t had water for a decade. He cringed at the sound of it. Roman started to say something, an apology maybe? But Virgil started closing the door. So he whispered another sentence. “I’ll be right out.”

            Time and time throughout the day Roman could go from joking about what had happened, to feeling bad about it, to almost completely forgetting about it entirely. He felt weirdly guilty about his own emotions about it. Like he wasn’t reacting necessarily as he should. Roman couldn’t even tell how he felt about it all, he was just tired. Too much had happened and his body was tired of experiencing all these things. So it wasn’t, not properly anyway.

    By the time the sun had set, Roman was sitting outside, watching the clouds go by, not really putting any effort into thinking. And still his mind was bombarding him with fear, pain, and guilt. So much guilt to the person in the other car, and to Virgil, who had to experience it with him. Mostly he felt guilty to everyone around him for having to deal with it because he was too busy being sorry that he couldn’t move or breathe. He wasn’t crying anymore, and his breathing was fine. But it didn’t feel like that. Should he be in more pain? Is that something that he deserves? If you’re going to wreck a car, why go for the simplest way to do it? Car crashes feel like a very dramatic experience so why does Roman feel underwhelmed?

    Everything was too much or too little for his brain and Roman wasn’t sure how to handle it. He held himself with his arms, wondering why this had to happen. If he hadn’t been overly ambitious for once, this wouldn’t have happened. Right?

    “How are you feeling, Roman?” Logan asked him. Roman had almost completely forgotten that he was there. Roman blinked and gave a huge smile.

“Well, specs, can’t say that I planned for any of this to happen.” Roman shrugged, his smile dropping as he looked down. His arms loosened up. Logan nodded, like he wanted Roman to open up about everything. Or maybe just to show that he was listening. “I was so sure that I wasn’t going to get hurt. Which isn’t true and I know that. Everyone can get hurt, I was caught up in some sort of main protagonist complex that I didn’t even realize that my mistakes matter. I fucked up and I don’t know if I can move on. My brain isn’t even letting me confirm that it happened, despite me knowing that it did. I blinked and the car was full of smoke.”

    Roman laughed bitterly, and Logan furrowed his eyebrows in concern, but didn’t say anything. “I didn’t even register what had happened until Virgil told me to get out of the car. I truly don’t believe that I would’ve moved without him. Which is pathetic. I caused that accident but Virgil had to take charge of the situation because my brain wasn’t able to process it. And now I don’t know how I’m going to react to having to drive again! What if I fuck up and this time it’s even worse? None of this feels okay but I don’t know what to do…”

    “Do you want advice?” Logan asked, calmly. 

    He decided to nod, focusing on trying not to cry instead of speaking. 

    “Alright. I believe that some of your thinking is similar to the cognitive distortion called ‘catastrophic thinking’. Catastrophic thinking is when after a person experiences a traumatic event starts reacting to every possible danger at the same level of the event they experienced. This is because it takes away the thinking that you’re constantly safe and not going to get hurt, so your brain is trying to make you feel safer by taking your ability to EVER get put into danger, which is not something that you can avoid.” Logan took a breath and stopped to make sure that Roman was still following. He was looking down at his fiddling hands, repopping his fingers repetitively. “You’re going to have to slowly break through this habit of thinking by giving yourself alternatives that aren’t just ‘safe’ or ‘dangerous’ because that is not how the world functions.”

    Roman nodded, mostly to himself while Logan was talking. “Okay.” His voice was smaller than he wanted it to be but he was too tired to attempt to change that. Roman stood up shakily, not from the accident, but from his own fear enveloping his head. “Thanks Logan, I mean that, I really appreciate this. I’m going to try going to bed now.”

    “Of course, Roman.” Logan responded, as Roman opened the backdoor back to the inside. He made no attempt to move, just watching his friend walk away from his sight. “I am here for you whenever you need me.”

    As the door closed, Roman could see that the sky had gone dark as the sun disappeared.

    Virgil had apparently decided to check on Roman one last time before going to bed. If him walking in after knocking a few times meant anything that is. Roman made eye contact with Virgil, wondering if that was going to be the end of their friendship. He would completely understand if it was, seeing as how badly everything had gone. Roman took a deep breath and got ready for any chastising that could occur.

    “Princey?” He tensed up, waiting for Virgil to finish. “Are you okay? Today was… a lot.”

    Oh, huh. “I mean, not really, but that doesn’t matter as much. How are you feeling? It wasn’t your fault that the whole thing happened. I’m so sorry.”

“Dude, I know you’re sorry.” Virgil stated, sitting on the bed next to Roman. “I didn’t ask about that. I know you didn’t mean to crash a car, that isn’t your thing. And the question was kind of a formality anyways. I just wanted to know if you were open to talking about it.”

    Roman groaned. “All I’ve DONE today is talk about it. It’s the only thing in my head and my brain is still trying to convince me that it didn’t happen.” He fell backwards onto the bed, while Virgil watched him without a readable expression. “It’s all so much but also just… Just not. Y’know?”

    “Yes,” Virgil said plainly. “I do know. Believe it or not, I was there. And I don’t blame you, man. You made a mistake. One that might traumatize us, but I’m not going to hold that against you. We’re both equally messed up here.”

    The two laughed, and Virgil laid down next to Roman. Roman took a breath, something he wasn’t able to do when talking to the police. While looking at the ceiling he decided to think out loud. “Can you believe how many people honked at us when we got out of the car? I mean I know it was in the middle of an intersection but also the car was like half destroyed. The audacity is unreal.” He vaguely remembered hearing some of those cars stop to call 911, and the words of what they said echoing in his mind. 

    Virgil rolled his eyes dramatically. “I know. Two cars, one on the sidewalk and the other in the road after the car crash, how dare we be focused on other things than what everyone else needs to get done? I’m actually surprised how well we held it together for a while, before we both started crying on the concrete, at least.”

    The room stayed silent for a while, both of them still processing what happened to them. Roman was tired of every moment of silence being interrupted with thoughts of the accident. He remembered yelling out as soon as he saw the other car and it was too late. One moment they were going to go shopping, and the next he blinked to see the airbags and smoke coming from everywhere. When Patton, Logan, and Remus arrived he was sobbing apologies into their shoulders, wanting to believe that none of this was real. It certainly didn’t feel like it. Roman wiped off the tears that were starting to form and looked at Virgil.

    “How do we move on from this? This is just… So much.” Roman asked. Virgil had been in a few car accidents as a child, some better and some worse. Still traumatic.

    “Well,” He started. “It took a while, and I mostly associated the fear of being in a car to the exact situation I was in. Like an icy road or something. But this just… happened. And there’s nothing we can do to change that. We… I don’t know what we’ll do, but we can figure it out.”

    Roman tried not to look discontented. “That’s not exactly as well thought out as I would like, I kind of just want to move on. How can I focus on the future when every other thought is reminding me that we could have died?! We could have killed that person and our future and their future would have been ruined. I should’ve waited, I should’ve looked, I should’ve-!” He sat up, and Virgil soon followed. Roman wasn’t crying but he looked like he was about to. Virgil held his arm and he fell limp onto the side of his friend. “I just wish it didn’t happen at all.”

    “No one wanted it to happen,” Virgil muttered. “It just did, and we have to accept that.”

    “I don’t want to,” Roman complained weakly. “None of this is fair.”

    There was no arguing that, and both of them knew it. Time kept passing by while the two considered everything. The topic could get distracted or happy, but eventually it would lead back to the car wreck. Evidently, it was going to be on their minds for a long time. Roman didn’t exactly enjoy the fact he couldn’t automatically move on, but tried to take what everyone had else said to heart. It was okay to acknowledge that the accident sucked without letting it control him, however long that took. Virgil left the room to sleep and suggested aggressively that Roman should do the same. He didn’t even notice that it was late until it was pointed out to him.

    Lights were turned out, and Roman curled up in a fetal position under his blankets. He still felt kind of sore, more so than he did a few hours earlier. That also wasn’t fair, but whatever. Roman was supposed to be accepting things, so he could start healing. He moved around to try and get comfortable with little success. 

    Trauma was weird to Roman. One moment everything was fine until it wasn’t. One moment you could be having an entire mental breakdown over a small mistake with big consequences, and the next you’re under the covers like nothing had happened. But all of this was normal, and he was allowed to be like this. Allowed to react to the events that occurred. It would take a long time, and maybe that was okay too.

Taglist: @ghost-in-haunting @logan-sanders-enthusiast @imjustvibingyaknow @hailcap85 @brilliant-and-a-bit-mad

A Vent long time coming

It feels like it has been ages since I wrote anything.  There is so much I wanna write and comment on, simply hard to pin just one idea down. So, in sticking with the theme of vulnerable journey treading and wanting my experiences to help someone out there. I am going to decompress the last years and possibly go into more at a later date. I have been in limited contact with people for close to 3 years. This is due to moving to a new country compounded with COVID, which killed many attempts at being social. Coupled with that polite racism of Canada and recovering from a very traumatic breakup, have been in a low place. Also, in transition for a work visa which has been slowed due to COVID. Depression and PSTD make leaving the place is a chore and a constant mental battle. I was able to do a year of college in a small-town university. Learned a lot and nothing all at once. Learned about myself. Learned about my own Blackness (and still learning). Of course, this caused me to look at my life experience through a new lens as if pages have been restored in a tattered book. Seeing how my old, colonized self parroted some toxic garbage and did some” ignorant passable shit “that I wished I had never said or did. Angry at my parents for trying so hard to “protecting “me from my own Blackness. Leaving me under-prepared for the world I was going to be a part of. Instead, my father tells me as an adult, I am ungrateful and “raised by wolves,” and I told him I hated him. Pissed that he presented his side of the family as dangerous, volatile and “ghetto” and that being gay and black was asking for a short life in the family. Causing me to be averse to wanting to meet them.   But with time, I will be able to accept “all of me.” By learning another country’s history, I realized I was on the wrong side of history. Referring to my time in the military and playing a role in destabilizing the Middle East (something the US military has quite a long track record of doing). This affects me in a couple of different ways. First, being a part of pain and suffering on such a grand scale goes against who I believe. Secondly, knowing that it is a family legacy (father being a weapons contractor after being retired Air Force and had a few generals in the family too). Lastly, I lost friends and a lover to the machine known as the military-industrial complex. And knowing that the government is getting worse makes their deaths sting a bit more than I care to admit. Thinking about my time in the military fills me with bittersweet memories now tinged with some guilt and shame. While I had stewed in these thoughts for long periods of time. Slowly getting comfortable with these truths. Only to be slammed with the ugliness that is America’s racism. Seeing white friends during BLM and all that led up to it go silent or worse, shit on the idea of BLM. Gay community leeches off black culture while making claims of being inclusive makes me want to rage cry. Seeing so much Racism and colorism in communities I used to call these spaces, my home is now quite repulsive . I was hoping for too much, wanting my communities to be supportive. Genuinely supportive, helping people because it is right, not causes it's trending.  Wish POC communities would stop internalizing and perpetuating hate and start lifting each other up. Instead of determining “blackness” and gender roles. It has been absolutely heartbreaking to see so many people passing in such a short time frame. I am reminded of my older friends sharing their tales of the AIDs crisis and survivals guilt. I feel weird knowing these people for a while online, just too sudden.. they are gone. I develop a connection with these people but feel I cannot claim it because other people that knew them spent time with them in real life. Deep down, there is a feeling that my connection is less than because I am unable to meet these people. I do not fully subscribe to this idea, but every time another FB friend or friend dies, it comes to my mind. And I honestly do not know what to do with it. Though the thought of friends that have pass makes me feel things. I cannot help but mourn the relationships lost because of my selfishness, drugs, or toxic relationships before people I called my family. The concept of family seems and feels so foreign to me now, yet I still hunger for one.  My parents and sister's relationship was polarizing and taking a toll on my mental wellness.  But cutting ties with them does not make me feel better. Sure enough, feel guilty and ashamed because of some internal nagging feeling I needed to try harder to work things out. Must remember why I had to cut ties with them. I had to, being with them caused me so much emotional and spiritual pain, I would later choose homelessness than ask for their help again. Yet, I still love them just do not want them in my life or do not want to share my life with them anymore. Does not make processing the loss of my bio family any easier. It does feel more correct than sticking with them. I wish I were a better friend. I often feel like a failing friend. I regret missing so many chosen family life events. Missed both of my brother’s weddings a few people’s graduations. Burned a lot of bridges protecting people that were later discovered to be trash. Wish I could send messages to say I am sorry. Just feel too much has either happen or too much time has gone by to bring it up now. The feelings and thoughts build up so much that it stresses me out and becomes intrusive thoughts shaming me out of evening trying. And having been burned by so many shitty relationships, feel less like... me. More like a by-product of all the lessons I learn. A by-product that is very wary of trying to make new friends or form new relationships. To be honest, I struggle with who I am and have been struggling with my self-image for three years now. So, trying to attempt new friendships seem out of my depths. Trying to be compassionate and kinder to myself …. when... I feel I need to be better and stronger than average. Sadly, I am my own worse jailer and serving life sentences for things that I just do not know why anymore. My brain gets so loud feels like my brain is grated with sandpaper. Depression, shitty world events, insomnia and PTSD, have caused me to disassociate to the point time has no meaning to me and staying in the moment is getting harder to do. Battling the idea that this is a dream or this reality is unreal. I really dislike being dissociative like this, reminds me too much of when I was doing meth and how quickly the time went by and how time was filled up with all other manners of things. Also reminds me of the time I almost cut myself to discern between reality and dreams. Grateful I have my husband to keep me grounded. He makes me smile when I am down. Somedays, he is the only thing keeping me here. My mind is full, and my heart is heavy. The road is long and the burden heavy, but I will be moved forward in some way. Thank you for your time, love

Fenix

so i have a few chronic health issues and as a result i’ve gained a bit of weight and the other day this absolutely insane lady went off at me in the parking lot literally for tripping because of how she parked.

cw: transphobia, fatphobia, misgendering

I parked my car in the space next to the handicap space so i could get to the store more easily since i have chronic pain and chronic tendon issues that undiagnosed so far so i can’t get a handicap plate. when i come out of the store a car is parked without a handicap license in the handicap spot, so close to my driver door i had to sidle to get in. i’m a 6’4” 340 trans woman and my ankle gave out on me as i was getting in, causing me to fall into my door and slam it into hers. she comes sprinting from the patio of a restaurant nearby in the development screaming at my wife “HOW RUDE HOW RUDE, HE SLAMMED HIS DOOR INTO MY CAR SO HARD” and even after my wife corrected her on my pronouns she kept calling me he.

my wife keeps asking her how she wants to resolve things but she just keeps berating my wife that i deliberately slammed her car. finally i told my wife to get in the car and we drove off. we’re about to turn into our apartment when the lady comes roaring up next to us yelling out her window that she thinks we need to talk. i can’t imagine how she followed us so fast without skipping out on her bill.

rather than let her follow us home i pulled over and my wife got out to talk because i began to dissociate being forced into a confrontation like this due to my childhood complex ptsd. i was basically feeling like a camera outside my own body filming myself trying not to sob. i heard her screaming at my wife that she needed a picture of our licenses and our insurance car and then she stared shouting “i was supposed to sell this car next week and buy a brand new car! i’m so pissed, that’s why i had to pull you over”. this psycho literally thought she had the right to chase us in the street because she felt mad. my wife later said there was no sign of damage on her passenger door.

my wife agreed to give her our insurance but then she started ranting again about who would even just slam a car like that (never mind she was parked poorly in the handicap spot without a handicap permit) and calling me a man. my wife then repeated “first of all she’s my wife, and she already told you she tripped trying to squeeze in” and the lady said point blank “i don’t believe you”

that’s when i snapped to and shouted out the window “listen man i’m fat and i’m sick and i rolled my ankle trying to squeeze in between the cars to get in. i’m genuinely sorry if your car is damaged, but don’t blame me, blame the legal system that requires a final diagnosis before a doctor can certify you need handicap parking so i could park in the spot that would give me room to get into the car” or something like that but probably less eloquent because i was still absolutely flooded with all the adrenaline and fighter flight hormones my ptsd was slamming me with so i probably sounded warmly and scared.

anyway once i yelled at her she turned to my wife and said “so do i like give you my insurance now i’ve never done this before?” and at that point my mind i’ve told her to call her insurance, got in the car, and we drove around a couple turns before going home to satisfy my hyper vigilance. thanks for listening to me vent about my latest traumatic experience.

Hello, may I please vent here? I'm sorry, I just feel hurt right now. (Sorry it's long)

Recently I had closure with an ex partner of mine. After our breakup, we did have a period of no communication (this was before closure) I decided to reach out to him, because I felt as if I needed proper closure with him since after our breakup we never said goodbye, but I did give an apology during that time. During our "closure" conversation, I can tell he had his guard up, and was hiding emotions. He didn't want to show his vulnerable side to me, yet he was still being polite and nice. In the past our relationship was shaky, and I really hurt him. I was so toxic, manipulative, immature, jealous, etc. I was such a terrible person to the point where I didn't even recognize myself. He's like this cute little happy optimistic puppy, who wags his tail, and will come up to lick you.. I'm that owner who ab*ses that puppy, starves them, and kicks them out of the house for the puppy to sleep in the cold. I just feel so crushed right now.. I can't believe my actions. Even before our period of dating, I was going through something emotionally traumatizing, and he was there being so understanding and compassionate with me. During our relationship period, he was so kind, loving, honest, compassionate, hardworking, career oriented, full of wisdom, patient, etc. He even sent me little texts of "I miss you" "I think about you so much" with a cute bear GIF.. and I wasn't even so affectionate with my reply. Our relationship was long distance so there were many obstacles too. He even gave me chances/made up because we have broken up before our official separation. I just feel incredibly guilty and so heartbroken because I hurt a loving man who had the spirit of a golden retriever puppy. I can't stop crying about the situation because it hurts so much. The pain feels like my heart has been stabbed a million times. Even though I apologized to him genuinely 2 times with closure, I still feel so incredibly guilty. We decided to go our separate ways, and we blocked each other. I still miss him so much. I deserve to feel this pain for hurting him. I did learn a lot from the connection, and because of that I know my shadow side now. I know what to heal and improve on.

If you have any advice, thank you I would really appreciate it. I'm so sorry if this was very long.. I'm a terrible person. I really am.

hey anon,

i want to start by saying that i am sorry you're going through a heartbreak on top of feeling terrible about yourself.

secondly, please don't say you're terrible. i don't know you personally and yes, you've made mistakes in the past but you are an immensely brave and real person for realising where you went wrong.

it's tough right now because the wounds are fresh and you're learning to own your mistakes. it's going to be a little difficult for some time but i also want to think hard about what you're gaining here anon.

making mistakes is not the end of an experience. the real result of a mistake is what you learn from it. you now know what not to do. how to appreciate people and their feelings. how to not be self-centred and to recognise who's good to you and for you.

these are huge life lessons, anon. you cannot buy these experiences. i understand itay sound really empty and pointless right now and that's okay. you're hurt. it won't all make sense right now but do remember what you're learning right now. imbibe these learnings into your behaviour. little by little, forgive yourself.

i would suggest maintaining no contact with your ex for their and your own peace. atleast for the time being - while you heal, learn, and allow to forgive yourself.

i can't promise you anything else apart from this - it WILL get better. you will grow from this. let yourself heal and please, forgive yourself. you deserve to let go of the guilt.

i am here for you at all times. please feel free to reach out to me anytime, however you feel comfortable (asks or direct chat). sending you love and positive vibes ✨

Hi sorry you don’t have to answer this! But I’ve seen you speak about LGBTQ+ and from my understanding you are a part? So I want to ask I have been dealing with my self identity and struggles and I want to ask if you can share experiences and how you find out since I think I am not straight to be sure… Thank you I hope this ask doesn’t put you in uncomfortable place.

yo anon hello!! 👋 no worries, i’m not in any way uncomfortable and i’m always happy to help if i can

first of all, keep in mind that not everyone’s experiences are the same and what i went through in my journey to exploring my sexual identity might be completely different from what someone else went through, hence take what i say with a huge grain of salt and know that everyone’s experiences are perfectly valid

alright hhhhh well my story’s pretty funny actually LMAO i think i already answered this some other time iirc? but yeah i started “having doubts” in middle school. i wasn’t interested in boys, i was genuinely meh in front of any dude my female friends found cute, i never thought about dating and i never thought about marriage. some people (my family) called me a “late bloomer”, my classmates secretly made fun of me for being “gay”.

thing is, i was obviously gay but i didnt know at the time- however everyone else did 💀💀💀 i was out there saying shit like “i wish men didn’t exist” “i wish the planet was only populated by women” and stuff like that on the DAILY and each time my classmates looked at me like 👁👄👁 and it was like the class’ inside joke that i wasn’t a part of. i was bullying victim unfortunately and i was the class punching bag 🚶‍♀️

one day, i was at my (at the time) best friend’s birthday party and all the girls in class were invited with some boys to her house. i remember we were playing truth or dare, my turn came and i chose truth; there was this girl who hated me with all her heart for no reason whatsoever and loved humiliating me while pretending to be my friend and i was too much of a pushover to say anything to her, anyway bitch started laughing and yelled in front of everyone “IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’RE A LESBIAN?????” and i was ,,,,, pretty much shocked. firstly i thought that was a dirty word, i had never known lesbians irl and i only knew gay men and i kinda associated lesbians with something taboo? i think i was maybe 11 or 12 years old but it was all peer influence, i was lucky to have parents who were never homophobic and never taught me to hate? so this “hesitation” towards this word was something that was instilled into me by my schoolmates who treated it as if it was something shameful and to make fun of. anyway, i told that girl to mind her own business and i was silent and sulking for the rest of the party.

several days later i was at the mall with my parents who asked me what was wrong bc i had been behaving weirdly since the party and i remember telling them exactly “we were playing a game and [girl’s name] asked me if i were…” and i didn’t finish the sentence. “if you were?” and i still was hesitant to answer but then i said “gay” in a really small voice and i remember getting super flustered and feeling so embarrassed?? and my parents just looked at each other and i think that was the start of everything lol in the next years through middle and high school i was so confused about myself i was refusing to label myself bc i thought i was “figuring myself out” and for a long while i thought i was bisexual. i used to tell my ex best friend about these doubts that i had and she was always a bit weird about it 🧍‍♀️

she randomly asked me shit like “do you wanna have sex with a guy? if you had a boyfriend would you have sex with him? would you suck his dick?” and shit like that and i always was so embarrassed about answering those questions? because my answer was always a straight up no, but i thought something was wrong with me if i didnt wanna do stuff with men. despite that, i still didnt truly question my attraction to men, i just went “yeah i mean all girls secretly think that men are ugly right that’s normal” for SO MANY YEARS LOL i thought everyone had the same experience??? i reached the point where i was 100% sure of my attraction to girls and i was forcing myself to be attracted to men as well bc “that’s the right thing for me”. i forced myself to be enthusiastic when my friends talked about boyfriends, i forced myself to pretend to have a crush on celebrities and THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT LIKE ONE TIME I WAS WATCHING THIS TV SHOW WITH MY MOM AND THERE WAS I THINK ORLANDO BLOOM AS A GUEST AND I GOT THE IDEA OF PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM BC I THOUGHT HE WAS “THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN EVER” AND I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR INSISTENTLY TELLING MY MOM “LOOK AT HIM HE IS SO ATTRACTIVE OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM” TO SHOW MY MOM I LIKED MEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀 I DID THAT A LOT IT’S LIKE I WANTED VALIDATION FOR IT i want to bury myself in sand thinking of this

anyway after an extremely failed coming out to my grandma whom i saw for the first time ever expressing disgust at the thought of me potentially being attracted to women i was terrified to do it again and i refused to tell any other member of my family. i still haven’t truly come out and i don’t think i ever will tbh even if i know my parents would love me and accept me regardless i still think of my grandma’s reaction and i start legit crying whenever i think of that

march 2020 comes and i finally accept that i am a lesbian. how did that happen? i was watching harry potter and i went “holy shit i wanna fuck hermione” literally that’s it nothing else. nothing else. that was that. that’s how i knew 100% i was a lesbian and i was tired of pretending i wasn’t. don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how but that’s literally what happened.

and that’s when everything started making sense tbh? like i just felt as if i had a huge huge burden lifted off myself for the first time ever? i said it out loud and i felt happy? the more i said it, the happier i felt? through the years i had always known deep down i didn’t like men, i was just pretending i was, comp-het was hitting me SO HARD and then finally i stopped letting it influence me.

what helped me was asking myself extremely specific questions after that to be sure, in the same fashion my ex bestie used to be weird about it when i “came out” to her. i imagined myself in really specific situations with fantasy boyfriends, i asked myself what i liked about men and the answer was always “nothing”, i asked myself “could i be capable of falling in love with a man?” and the way i was setting standards so high and ridiculous for any human for my “dream man” was the obviously negative answer to that question, i asked myself more intimate questions like “if it came down to it would you ever actually sleep with a man?” and the answer was always a solid no. basically putting myself in theoretical situations is what helped me finally understand. i had done that through the years and my answers were the same since the beginning, but i still refused to admit the truth to myself, until one day i just stopped.

and that’s my journey LOL it’s kinda pathetic tbh,,,,,, i could’ve been much happier with myself if i had just admitted it to myself since the beginning, bc deep down i always knew. would’ve spared me years of not feeling okay with myself, would’ve spared me years of surrounding myself with the wrong people who caused me terrible pain every time i heard them say lesbians are disgusting. but anyway, what’s done is done and i’m just happy now i get to be free and accept myself for who i am, unapologetically. on the internet. bc in real life i’m still traumatized 🚶‍♀️

i think questions are the easiest place to start. imagine yourself in situations, ask yourself how would you act and why. figure yourself out bit by bit and take your time to understand what you like. don’t ever let yourself feel pressured by anyone, don’t even let yourself feel pressured by the need of labels. don’t let anyone tell you your experiences are wrong or not valid, don’t let anyone tell you there’s a set way to explore your identity, don’t force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. if you need to vent, my dms are always open. be happy exploring your identity, there is no right way to do it. and remember that you’re always valid. 💜

I feel like being transparent about your trauma for any reason with innumerable strangers on the internet is inherently deeply unhealthy. I know it’s been very normalized but the fact that people think it’s ok are the ones who need help the most. You shouldn’t be okay with spilling your innermost demons to complete strangers in the name of “honesty” or whatever. I feel like it doesn’t make someone brave, it makes them sad and maladaptive & normalizing it is kind of pathetic imo.

soooooooo bc you're coming at this genuinely, i'm gonna engage genuinely, but please know that calling maladaptive behavior that stems from trauma "sad" and "pathetic" is a little...insensitive to say the least. you can call it maladaptive and unhealthy by all means, but more insulting language should be reconsidered. idk if you're coming at this from an outsider's or insider's perspective on trauma, but either way your experiences and thoughts and feelings are not universal and i encourage you to think about that a bit before passing judgment on others.

there's nuance here. i agree with you to a point - that giving deeply personal information can be unhealthy and unsafe, and dumping trauma onto strangers can be harmful to them and oneself. however, there's something to be said for having an honest dialogue.

having open and vulnerable conversations can really be beneficial to many; not just the individual sharing, but to people who are struggling as well. mental illness, especially that stemming from trauma, is still highly stigmatized, and having constructive conversations about it in a more public forum does more good than not. especially when you take a step back and remember that it is almost exclusively online that these open dialogues are able to happen. a lot of people don't have access to mental health resources irl, and while i do NOT recommend getting all your info on it from the internet (esp not tumblr), it can still be beneficial to see people having those honest conversations. it can make someone feel seen, or help set them on a path to self-discovery.

now, of course there's times where it isn't okay. i'm talking about a constructive conversation, but there's lots of examples outside of that. some people just use sites like this as a sort of means to vent to the void, and while i don't see a problem with that one either i can see how others might. where it bridges into not okay territory for me is dumping highly traumatic dialogues on servers, group chats, dms, etc. without warning. and that's genuinely not cool, not okay.

also it's important to consider that for a lot of people living with trauma, it's not always this crippling thing, it's not always their "innermost demons". trauma can stem from horrific situations, but its origins can also seem innocuous. it's a really tricky thing to nail down, so assuming you know where someone is coming from without knowing them just isn't gonna work. easiest example of what i mean is when someone tells one of their triggers, and it's something so "ordinary" that people don't take it seriously (my mind always goes back to "popsicles, soup broth, and jello" if you're familiar with that post). you have no idea what caused it, how long ago it was, how much more damage or healing has happened between then and now. assuming everyone must be spilling their "innermost demons" is assuming far more than you realize!

i do think there's details people should withhold from strangers online. i do think that's basic online safety. but as long as they're within the boundaries of what is a "safe" amount of info to share? i see no problem with it.

so i suppose the tldr is that there are bad reasons for talking about personal experiences with trauma, but there are just as many good reasons. no one owes anyone a showcase of fresh psychological wounds, but talking about it with some distance is beneficial to many parties.

On fandom and tragic romance tropes, from someone who's lived it.

Okay, this is kind of…. Idk a very specific vent and tbh one I feel kinda bad about because I genuinely don’t want to make people feel bad for liking reading/writing romantic angst or tragedy and it’s really less of an individual issue than an overall attitude in fandom.

Like, it’s absolutely okay to like not happy endings, and angst doesn’t have to just be for cathartic relief. Angst isn’t only acceptable if it’s to process trauma, you’re allowed to like it just because that’s your taste.

But at the same time…. I can’t help but have very personal feelings about how a lot of fandom spaces treat tragic romance tropes…

(this got really long but... it's something I've wanted to address for a long time)

I'm far from secretive with the fact that when I was 20, my girlfriend Emma (19) was killed in a car crash, along with her younger brother, mother, and aunt, and that a lot of my art and writing is purposefully about processing and accepting that grief. Fandom has been a very important part of how I’ve gotten through the last five years, which I’ll get into a bit more in a minute, but tbh it’s also been a lot harder navigating fandom and especially anything ship-related since Emma died, because of how people tend to romanticize a character tragically losing a partner.

And honestly, it’s not just fandom, it’s media in general. And mainstream media focus on tragic sob stories, shock factor, and BYG tropes is definitely a big part of the problem.

But as much as fandom pushes against mainstream overuse of such tropes, there is a good portion of fandom that falls into the same type of issue. And not just ‘fandom’ in the usual sense, but literary communities, poetry, etc…

The amount of times I see stories or prompts about characters tragically losing their partner, and that being the climax of the story, and then next to nothing about that character actually navigating their grief or being able to eventually start a new relationship or just be happy is just…. It makes me feel physically ill.

Like, people saying how tragic love stories are more interesting than happy endings. Or seeing a post about tragic pairing prompts and people saying things like ‘or they think it's unrequited but then A dies and B finds a letter confessing and they really loved each other but now it's too late’ and more people being like ‘YES YOU GET IT THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF’

Just… really, honestly. It's okay to like angst, even really tragic angst. I’m not trying to guilt anyone out of that.

I just….. Most of the time people just talk about it like ‘oh yeah I love some of that good tragic love story shit’ and the stories focus on the build-up and the shock/trauma of the death as it happens and then the excruciating reaction of the survivor and then maybe a time jump to show them happy again.

But very rarely do people take the time to actually handle the grief. People like the good cry of a character mourning their partner, but the vast majority of creators and fans rush through or skip over everything after the initial drama and aftermath. The ‘tragedy’ is the only part they focus on, and then the story ends and they move on.

And like. Shit. I liked that stuff too, I wrote some of it, years ago. And I’m not saying you can’t ever just leave it there, or that if you want to write tragic romance you always have to explore all the long-term emotional consequences.

But try to have it in mind, to consider what message countless grief narratives that end after the funeral, or maybe a few weeks or months later, teach people about real-life grief. This goes for any kind of grief narrative, but the one I see most, the one I used to ‘enjoy’ most myself, is romantic.

But, after having actually lived it? And knowing I'll have to live the rest of my life as the part of the story that usually isn’t told? It turns my stomach the way it’s often handled.

Like seeing people gush about how angsty a fic/idea is, and ‘OH MY GOD SO SAD CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW TRAGIC HOW DARE YOU. I LOVE SEEING/PUTTING THEM THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN’ gets a bit uncomfortable.

Not because there’s something inherently wrong with ever reacting like that, but because most often I can turn around and have the same people not know how to react when I tell them about Emma, not know how to handle the same grief they were just gushing over in fiction, when it’s real.

Grief is isolating enough on its own, but then it just doesn’t feel great when the worst thing to ever happen to you is a huge trope that people gush over, while very rarely fleshing out the actual reality of what it feels like to go through that or how to respond to someone actually dealing with grief, and eventually having to deal with your own grief.

Tbh it’s why I really just kinda have an aversion to the word ‘angst’ in general, and don’t really like to refer to my own writing as angst, even though I know plenty of people might think of it as such. So much of fandom's handling of ‘angst’ has come to feel like voyeuristic tourism of the grief I deal with every day, and will for the rest of my life.

Just, I know people are always going to like tragic angsty romance, and that’s fine, and honestly, it's not even an issue of individuals, but of how fandom in general treats it.

And again, I really don’t want to make anyone feel bad for liking it, and it has its purposes. And even when it’s not for catharsis, it's okay to just like sad stories just because.

I just… I wish more people would keep in mind that it’s not just a tearjerker story trope. People really go through this. And they then often end up feeling very isolated because people around them don't know how to react to their grief, because their grief makes things awkward and a mood killer.

Like, if you love this kind of angst (and not because you personally relate to it or find it cathartic, but just because, just for fun) but then feel awkward around people talking about their real-life grief, maybe spend some time with that, and think about the topic as a real-world trauma and not just a dramatic story trope. (this doesn’t just go for grief. Any kind of trauma you don’t personally deal with, if you love reading/writing it but avoid actually listening to people talking about their real-life experiences with it, think about why that is.)

I just hate seeing loss and initial dramatic grief responses being this shock factor/tearjerker trope, without ever really seriously addressing long-term grief. Especially when it doesn't even do a time jump or anything, and just ends on the surviving character being forever destroyed; when it focuses on the idea of how sad it is for your favorite character to have to spend the rest of their life alone.

And that’s not even folding in any kind of BYG/queer tragedy tropes in canon or fandom spaces.

And like… on a much more individual, less practical point, I just… there’s nothing wrong with angst but honestly (and especially for characters whose canon is in no way tragic) every time I see it I just want to scream WHY…. Why do that to them!? I’m not saying you have to stop, or that you’re not allowed to write trauma you don’t deal with personally. But I will never not cringe a bit at the ‘painful enjoyment’ of a character going through the traumatic loss of a partner. And it’s a sentiment I don’t really see people being okay with in regards to any other kind of trauma.

I don’t have actual numbers, but it sure feels like fandom treats stories about romantic grief very differently than most other traumas. Other trauma, even other kinds of grief, like a close friend or a sibling or parent, etc. tend to at least try to touch on a theme of recovery, or that the emotional turmoil being covered isn’t just a fun angsty trope to spend a little time in and then move on. And of course, this isn’t universal and plenty of people don’t handle these other traumas respectfully or as anything more than dramatic fuel, but this is the trend I’ve personally seen in over 10 years of tumblr fandom. And to that point, even when traumas aren’t respectfully handled I’ve at least seen people try to bring attention to that, with posts about how to respectfully handle disability or addiction or mental health or abuse. I can’t remember off the top of my head a single post like that about grief, let alone specifically romantic grief. It seems to be commonly accepted that while most kinds of trauma can be explored, but still handled respectfully, the death of a partner can just be done for the Drama. People tend to try to learn about abuse or addiction experiences before attempting big angsty stories addressing that. But doomed romance and a grief-stricken lover (it feels like, in my experience) are much more likely to happen on a whim.

Generally, it feels like other kinds of trauma, while still part of ‘angst’ also keeps a sense of awareness of how that narrative reflects real people’s experiences. It’s not just heavy because it’s big dramatic fictional angst, but because it’s grounded in real-life trauma that everyday people who come across it might relate to. Like... I just feel like a lot of fandom spaces treat ‘major character death’ and tragic romantic trope tags as just filters, like they’re needed because ‘not everyone likes angst, it’s just not their thing’ without really acknowledging that it’s a real trauma that everyday people deal with, where (again, often, but of course far from always, and certainly not in mainstream) other tws and tags like assault or substance abuse, people understand that people they interact with might really deal with those issues and they try to not just use them as dramatic fodder and to portray them respectfully.

But grief, especially romantic grief, seems different. The number of people who will come across a fic or edit or piece of art about a tragic love story, and will have had that personal experience of losing a partner, is much lower than people with real experiences with abuse, or addiction, or mental illness. That’s not a bad thing. I wish none of you ever have to know what that feels like.

But because of that, tragic romance ends up seeming like this distant thing. Like it’s only in dramatic tv shows or movies or literature, or lives solely in angsty fandom spaces as a way to get out a good cry. It seems grand and Tragic, off in its own world of dramatic emotional story tropes.

It’s solely pretty dark edits put to song lyrics, or striking art, or beautifully written prose that rips your heart out. It’s Tragic Romance.

And there’s nothing wrong with that inherently. But for many people, it seems like that is what it becomes: fiction. An angsty trope.

I genuinely hope that’s all it ever is for all of you. I wish I could ensure that that good angsty hurt will only ever be a trope you visit when you need a good cry.

But it’s not just fiction.

It's not just angst for sake of drama or fun or poetic storytelling. It’s not grand or romantic or beautifully tragic.

It’s unbearable. It’s physical pain.

That’s not exaggeration or metaphor. It sneaks up on me out of nowhere and it literally feels like someone is crushing my chest. I’ve nearly broken my hand punching a wall because I needed to make something hurt more than this thing in my chest that isn’t even actually there but it hurts so much.

Tbf I think a lot of my attitude towards this really stems more from fandom trends from when I was younger, and I think a lot more people actually try to flesh out grief more these days. But I just remember so much tragic romantic fic and fandom love from when I was a teenager that didn’t go deeper than ‘look how heartbreaking this is it’s so sad, I wanna make everybody read it and cry and it’s just fun and a story, oh my god I couldn't live with that’

no, of course I don't have a few specific old fics or posts from like superwholock days in mind, that I used to gush over too, and now just the idea of makes me feel actually sick

Idk… like I said. I don't at all want to make anyone feel bad for liking that type of angst, and I feel kind of bad for criticizing it. It just…

It hurts seeing basically your exact situation on angsty prompt lists with people gushing about how good it hurts. Especially when the same people would be (and have been) deer in headlights when they find out you’ve lived the same thing. (Again, this goes for any kind of trauma trope, but most others I’ve seen at least some kind of discussion about before)

Just please, try to be mindful of not just how you write stories about grief, but how you talk about death angst in general. (again, certainly not everyone, but more and more) People know to not just romanticize abuse trauma or addictions or mental illness, and to research, and ask for advice to try to be respectful.

And it’s much more common for someone in fandom spaces, in their teens or 20s or 30s to deal with those sorts of trauma than having experienced losing a partner.

But we exist. And while there is plenty of media out there showing tragic young romance, there is very little (in my experience, after nearly five years of desperately looking) real-world acknowledgment and support, or proof that you’ll be able to survive that kind of loss and still be happy, and even less so if they’re queer.

In a couple of months, it will have been five years since Emma’s death. From day one I have not been private about my loss, whenever possible.

And in five years of saying “When I was 20 my girlfriend died.” to new friends, classmates, potential dates, fandom spaces, therapists, grief support forums, etc… do you know how many other people have told me that they also lost a partner as a young adult, whether queer or straight, by accident or suicide or illness?

Zero.

No one. I’ve had people say how they lost a best friend or a sibling or a parent. And those losses, those kinds of grief are certainly not any less traumatic than the loss of a partner. But even in real life, they’re different. Losing a partner, especially at a very young age when it’s likely your main romantic experience, has different emotional effects, and can be harder to find people who directly relate.

Five years. Zero people dealing with the specific facets of grief as me.

The ONLY times I have ever heard about stories like mine in real life are either the rare article or essay or celebrity story, of which I can probably easily count on two hands.

All the other representation I’ve found is in mainstream fiction and fandom.

And of those stories, those fics, that art, the vast majority have had the partner die in the last half, probably closer to the 75% mark, of the story or arc.

If I’m lucky, that last 25% will focus on the immediate aftermath and grief (especially in fic, while a lot of media might give you a few scenes, and then move on to other character arcs).

If I’m really lucky they’ll show some kind of time jump, to say ‘see, they’re still haunted by their lost love but they’ve tried to move on or can pretend to be happy’.

And so much fandom reception is centered around ‘it’s soooooo SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD MY POOR HEART IT HURTS SO GOOD. LOVE ME SOME ANGST’, or romanticizing the idea of being unable to live without them, and if they can, it’s often never really putting focus on all the pain it took to process their grief.

Again, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this individually, or that you shouldn’t gush and scream over fic or art or prompts that hook you because of angst. But it adds up really quickly, especially when, even when getting good genuine support from people, you still see no one else actually living with that feeling like you. The only place you find it is stories, and then you see people mostly excited over just how beautifully sad it is.

And that just feels… I can’t explain it honestly.

Just, think about how you react to or talk about fic or prompts or art about a character crying over their partner’s body, or attending their funeral, and think about whether you’d feel appropriate doing the same if instead, they were dealing with abuse, or addiction, or self-harm.

Again, that’s not to say you can’t ever gush or key smash or such, but is it all you do?

You don’t have to stop enjoying angst and tragic romance. But think about how I just said that.

Enjoy.

Do you only ever act like you ‘Enjoy’ it (and yes, this includes the ‘I’m such a masochist I just love to cry over them, it’s emotional release that doesn’t trigger me’ reaction), and romanticize it?

It’s fine to, sometimes. But do you also appreciate it, and try to understand the real-world weight of it? Do you know what you’d say to a friend if they told you they’d lost a partner?

That ‘love me some good angst’, Dramatic grief, being the main fandom attitude doesn’t just hurt me or others who have lost people close to them, partners or not.

A big part of fandom, and of just society, has no idea how to deal with grief, their own or others. It’s not a light conversation topic, it makes people feel awkward, or walk on eggshells around you, or tell you how they can’t possibly imagine having to go through that (btw, y'all don’t say this to people. About grief, or trauma, or disability or anything like that, just don’t. I’m begging you. And a rant about that kind of thing is for another day but... )

And then, when people inevitably face some form of major grief themselves, they feel ashamed for not handling it ‘right’.

It hurts, to try to find some acknowledgment of your grief, and only ever see stories that show just the first few weeks or months; the feeling of it never possibly being anything but constantly excruciating. Stories that end on ‘they were alone and sad and that is what their story, their love, will live on as; Tragic’. Or, that skip all the work and the doubt and the backsliding, and just show years down the road, when they’ve got a whole new life, and that grief, that love, is just a sad memory that they have ‘moved on’ from. Just a tiny trinket call back.

It feels impossible to survive, to ever be happy again, when you never see grief being treated as more than a tragic story point. And then, as you try your hardest to keep going, to process and heal, and connect to new people, while not forgetting the person you love, not letting them just become your tragic backstory, you see people gush over tragic love stories, over how romantic it is, over how characters loved each other so much they couldn’t live without them. (Thankfully a good bit of fandom seems to be pulling away from this, but it’s still common)

And, if that’s what it is to lose a partner, your soulmate… then… then how am I able to keep living? Even as painful as it is? If true love means not being able to live without the other person, does that mean I didn’t, I don’t, actually love them enough? Am I selfish for still actually wanting to live the rest of my life, even with this pain of the person I love being gone?

Would people read my, our, story and ‘enjoy’ it? Would they find this romantic? Would they scream over a prompt based on the worst event in my life, and have a good cry, and then move on, thinking how sad and beautifully tragically romantic that story would be? Would this person I love and miss more than anything, become just a Tragedy? Just an angsty sob story to gush about how wonderfully painful it was? Would it become about only my pain and heartbreak, and not about the cruelty of this other complete, unique, independent person who was robbed of their entire future?

Maybe that seems melodramatic or putting too much weight on tropes, or fandom. But remember.

Five years.

Zero real people saying ‘I’ve been there too’.

The only places I have seen my grief reflected (beyond a rare celebrity interview, or article) is in fiction, and mostly in fandom.

For over a decade I’ve seen people key smash and gush over angsty ships in fic and art, and I was one of them for a long time.

And then, when it became real life for me, all too often (not always, of course) people wouldn’t know how to handle my real grief. Even when I didn’t want to grieve, but wanted to remember all the reasons I love Emma. My real-life moments of ‘fluff’ that I cling to, become uncomfortable when they know the ‘angst’ to come.

And I don’t blame them. I’m not angry at them for not knowing what to say, for walking on eggshells. They’re not cruel for that, they’re not unsympathetic, it’s not that they just don’t try.

Because, if I’ve found so few real-world stories about this kind of grief, after looking so hard for so long, how can I expect them to have had much more luck?

If the only places I find stories about grief never focus on the reality of life after the funeral, and the process of not moving past, but learning to handle grief, then how can I expect broader fandom to know how to be comfortable around the ugly, boring, repetitive, not at all romantic parts of that grief?

Just, yes. Write, read, love your angst. But please just remember that ‘tragic love story’ happens to people, and while plenty of people might not want to read it because it’s just not their thing, or too depressing, there are those who see those dramatic prompt scenarios, and personally relate to them (I quite often say the events around Emma’s death read like a heavy-handed soap opera, or Queer Tragedy movie, and had had plenty of people agree, even before hearing all the details. And I have literally seen multiple prompts of ‘best friends secretly have feelings for each other, and then finally confess, only to get a short bit of happiness before one dies tragically’)

Write, read, love your angst, your tragic love stories, just please, be as respectful of grief (in any form, but this is mostly a shipping issue in my experience) as you would be (or should be) of other major trigger warnings. Gush and scream about the big dramatic ‘romantic’ tragedies, but don’t then ignore the raw, uncomfortable, vulnerable, cathartic explorations, or the real people dealing with real loss.

Because damn y’all, I’ve seen ‘I just love a good romantic tragedy trope, yes please rip my heart out’ said so many times, with the same tone as saying ‘That fake dating trope, that’s the good stuff’.

I’ve seen people gush over how much more interesting and beautifully cruel it is for young love to end tragically.

And I promise you. It’s not. It just fucking sucks. It’s not romantic or tragically beautiful or poignant. It’s devastating. And it goes on for so much longer than that last quarter of the story.

My grief is more than an angsty prompt. Our relationship, my love for her, is more than a dramatic sob story, more than just awkward sadness that kills the mood. Emma’s life, her memory, is more than my tragic backstory.

I want to be able to find my story in more than just fiction, I want to be able to get support from people who live with similar grief.

But I also want to see grief in fiction, in fandom, become more than a final character arc or Tragic love story; used for dramatic effect; grand and huge for a moment and then never fully processed, or mentioned again; just tragically romantic and heartbreaking and soooo good and angsty.

Grief is one of the only things we will all have to face throughout our lives.

I’m not just asking you to respect my grief or the grief of those around you. But your own future grief. I don’t want you to get there and feel like your grief is wrong, or means that you didn’t love someone ‘enough’ because it doesn’t manifest in a certain way.

Learning to accept grief; to be comfortable around raw, unpoetic, grief; to not hold up certain expressions of grief as Romantic or Poetic, but just honest, will eventually be personally useful for all of us, as much as I wish it wouldn’t.

I want my grief, everyone’s grief, to be seen, and understood, not just romanticized and dramatized.

My love story, Emma’s love story, isn’t beautifully tragic. It isn’t more interesting or poetic than a happy ending. The pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life is not romantic.

But it is important.

i am,, an actor,,, everything is a performance. this is a vent and it. got very long? anyway

i keep forgetting that i'm in a relationship slkjdflksdjlkfjdsf which is shitty but. i dunno. i haven't really told many people or made a big deal out of it and,, i kinda. regret? maybe? getting into it? it's not BAD it's just. boring?

no offense to them but i just. am bored. and they're like.. hm. like, they would be in the high school friend group adjacent to mine, if we were in high school together? in the sense that i. don't vibe w their specific personality type, if that makes sense? idk how to explain this hmmmm

i'm a quiet person generally, but that also comes with the idea that when i talk, people do hear me. or, i'm very very chatty, and i end up with a lively conversation. but it's like...... half the time i don't think they've heard me at all. or like, they aren't really listening? i'll say something and then they're on to a different topic entirely, which. is annoying.

and it's not even in the way that ADHD brain goes ZOOM, it's genuinely like. what.

and, again, no offense to them but i am just. bored. we don't talk about mutual interests very much, or if we do, they are pretty stubborn in their opinions? and it's not like we're getting Excited Together about the thing. our shared interests will come up and it's just a passing comment or something.

i keep forgetting that we're supposed to be in a relationship.

AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABT IT RN EITHER FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS

1. it's their birthday month and i am not that cruel

(1a) they mentioned that april is a depressive time for them bc they've had a lot of people leave their life in various aprils through the years, and a traumatic incident happened to them in april, so it's a hard time for them. i KNOW i shouldn't guilt trip myself over this, but like. it would be a dick move to ditch now, after they've admitted this fear of theirs

(1b) they have also told me that, alongside this april-induced fear of abandonment, they specifically are afraid of me getting bored of them. FUCK--

2. they're getting a new job which means they might be able to visit me soon

(2a) i am tempted to wait until after we've met up irl BECAUSE that'll be kinda like. when i'm for sure "yes i have enough feelings for this to continue" or "no apparently i don't have enough feelings for this to continue"

(2b) yes it's a long distance relationship, which isn't actually a big deal to me, i'm okay with that!! we're adults and having a ldr isn't my issue with it.

it's such a coin toss on if i'm going to like. feel desire to hang out, too. bc i really truly do enjoy their company! i want them in my life in some capacity! but. like. as friends, i think? 60% of the time? 75% of the time?

we have super great chemistry sometimes!! like, i def do understand why i agreed to be in a relationship with them.

it's just. in between those times, i'm. ugh. i feel like i have more interesting interactions + more chemistry with my friends than i do with them. OTL

i guess we just. go with it. it's certainly not a BAD situation. primarily, i feel guilt whenever i experience attraction to anyone else and i feel bored with the relationship and sometimes, to be completely honest, i dread phone calls and long conversations. my attention is elsewhere 80% of the time.

and that makes me such a shitty partner, i know!! like, jack, if you don't have feelings then just break up!!

but i DO have feelings for them sometimes! and i don't wanna be that douchebag who's like, "hey we should break up" *two weeks later* "baby i miss u so bad i want u back" (and, part of me thinks that. if i break up with them, i'll hate myself, bc then i'll want them More)

it's just. a pendulum. and i'm tired and i'm BOREDDDD.

"you should communicate your feelings" RIGHT YES OKAY HOW.

hey, so, i know april is a terrible month for you, and your birthday is coming up, and you have this fear of people getting bored of you, and you've been planning on flying halfway across the country to visit me, and you've told me already that you're kind of in love with me, but...

LIKE HOW SHITTY CAN I BEEEEEEEEEEE

i do like them. i like them a lot. i do! i'm. hm.

conflicted.

i'm just gonna leave things be. it's fun to have a partner, on the good days. we do cute shit together, which is lovely. and like. seeing things and thinking of them, sharing cute stuff with each other, having someone to just... know is mine and likes me that much and ??

UGH. ugh ugh ugh ugh.

"if you're having these thoughts then maybe you should just break up with them" BUT IN LIKE 24 HOURS I'LL BE CRAVING THEIR ATTENTION AND AFFECTION--

in the long run, yes, it would be better for me to break it off, bc i'm. i'm not,,, suuuuuuuuuuuuuper emotionally invested? i am! but i'm not. but ALSO there's. no harm. in keeping it going? because i AM to a degree emotionally invested, and i DO like them a lot, and things ARE pretty good.

i just. i knew this would happen, bc my attraction to people ALWAYS only lasts for like 2-3 weeks? we've been dating for like, a month and a half or so now. and i Can Tell, i guess.

i dunno. i dunno i dunno i dunno.

Analysis: TFP Optimus Prime and a Discussion on Revenge

Disclaimer:  This post is going to be a long vent about my frustrations with TFP Optimus Prime, specifically with the advice he gives to Arcee and the audience in regards to revenge. So if you’re someone who does likes him or hold similar views to him, you are probably not going to like or agree with what I’ll say in this post and that’s completely ok. The whole point of this post is to provide another perspective and open discussion with me and anyone else about this (But do so respectfully, please).

Also, there are going to be spoilers for Transformers Prime in this, so skip this post for now if you don’t want the show to be spoiled for you.

So without further ado, let me explain why TFP Optimus Prime’s stance on revenge is wrong.

For those who aren’t familiar with Transformers Prime or don’t remember everything, one of the biggest subplots of the show was Arcee and the loss of her partners, Cliffjumper and Tailgate. Throughout most of Season 1 and Season 2, Arcee is on the hunt to find out who killed Cliffjumper and to get revenge for Tailgate by going after Arachnid. 

Everything with this arc was going ok...until Season 1 Episode 20, Partners.

During this episode, Arcee ends up following Arachnid, much to Optimus’ distaste. After Optimus saves Arcee from Arachnid, he tells her that seeking revenge for Tailgate is a bad idea. Later on in the episode, Starscream lets slip that he was the one who killed Cliffjumper, and Arcee reacts accordingly by attacking him. She almost kills him, but is stopped when she realizes Bumblebee is watching them and she lets Starscream go. The episode ends with Arcee saying that she thought settling scores would allow her to move on but that her actions instead lead to the Autobots losing an ally. Optimus comments that wisdom is gained, not automatically earned. This arc continues in Season 2 Episode Episode 10 Armada, where Arcee ends up trapping Arachnid in a stasis pod, ultimately ending their rivalry. The pod is taken back to base, where Ratchet says Arachnid “deserves worse”. Arcee responds that she “intended worse, more times than you know” and Optimus responds that Arcee is “stronger” for her choice.

These series of events are what ruined both Optimus as a character and Arcee’s arc for me.

Optimus tells Arcee that seeking revenge is bad and that she’s a “stronger person” for giving Arachnid a fairly merciful fate of being put in stasis. There’s one problem, though: he’s wrong. And apparently no one on the writing team knew that.

What Optimus ends up implying is that Arcee’s anger at both Arachnid and Starscream is not justified, that being mad at them for hurting her makes her a “bad person” and wanting them to suffer consequences for it is not the right path to take. Except none of that is true.

I think it’s fair to say that Arcee is victim of murder, and has a lot of trauma and emotional damage because of it. She has lost two partners that she clearly cared for and were close to, with one of them (Tailgate) dying right in front of her optics. She displays signs of depression throughout the series, and if the flashbacks in Season 1 Episode 12 Predatory are any indication, Arcee probably has a good case of PTSD too. 

The thing about people who have been severely hurt and traumatized by others like this is that they need closure, and there are many ways that this can be accomplished. Forgiveness is only one way. Sometimes closure comes in the form of having the aggressors be given jail time or the death penalty. Sometimes with bullying, a victim will find peace by seeing the bully getting in trouble with the teacher and being suspended. Some find peace through therapy. Sometimes, people can only find peace by taking matters into their own hands and punishing the aggressors themselves (victims fighting back against their bullies and the story of Gary Plauche are good examples of this one). The point is that victims and their friends/family members affected by murder, rape, bullying, or any other hurtful acts is that they don’t have to forgive the ones who committed the crime, nor are they required to. In fact, many people don’t.

This is something that Optimus Prime simply doesn’t understand, and many adults don’t either.

I want you to take a quick read at these statements that people often give as solutions to bullying:

“Don’t react, just ignore them. They’ll go away.” “Don’t fight back, that’s stooping to their level” “Tell them to stop saying/doing those things, they’ll listen”

On the surface, all of these statements sound correct because these are all very tame, non-violent solutions. They’re all moral high ground statements. But almost any victim of bullying can tell you that none of this advice ever actually helped, and if you ever told a teacher someone was bullying you, you at best got ineffective solutions/similar advice to the above and at worst did nothing about it.

Optimus Prime’s statements about not seeking revenge come from the exact place that the above quotes come from: a place of wanting to appear moral and above-it-all but having none of the experience or knowledge to actually back it up. 

Optimus wasn’t as close to Cliffjumper as Arcee was. Optimus didn’t see Tailgate’s gruesome death first-hand. He may be older, but being old doesn’t automatically make you right. And I find it ironic how Optimus states that wisdom is earned at a cost yet he’s the one who is clearly is struggling with that concept when it comes to Arcee.

It upsets me to no end how Optimus is contantly tellling Arcee that she’s the one who has to be the more moral, bigger, stronger person. But Starscream and Arachnid? You know, the ones who caused all of Arcee’s anguish to begin with? Naw. Arachnid can continue to tease Arcee by asking if she’s lost any more partners and Starscream can pretend to feel bad about killing Cliffjumper and then immediately brag about it the next day. Yeah, those two don’t need to change. ARCEE DOES. CUZ REVENGE BAD. 

Remember how Arcee said she intended a worse fate for Arachnid and Optimus praises her for it? While the show treats that as “closure” and the end to that rivalry, I’m not convinced. For the longest time, Arcee wanted Arachnid dead. So for her to all of a sudden switch to being merciful to Arachnid seems off to me. And thus I began to wonder: Did Arcee decide to not kill Arachnid because she had a genuine change in morals, or did she do it in order to make Optimus Prime happy? Or in other words, is this a genuine change of character or this just the writers’ last-ditch attempt at pushing the “no revenge” narrative into the audience’s face? I don’t know for sure (although I’m pushing for latter in both questions) and the show doesn’t address this. And this is bad because depending on this answer, this could mean that this arc was never truly finished. If Arcee still didn’t believe or feel that having Arachnid in stasis was good enough closure, than the story isn’t fucking over. But no one of the writing team thought this far. No one was willing to put this kind of depth into the show.

Furthermore, I’d argue that this constant talk about Arcee being a “better person” is causing her to be critical of herself over things that aren’t really her fault or that she wouldn’t be able to predict the outcome of.

One is Arcee blaming herself for Smokescreen’s “death” in Season 2 Episode 21 Alpha/Omega. The other is Arcee regretting her attack on Starscream and losing a potential ally. But the reality is that Starscream is extremely fickle and having him join the Autobots wasn’t guaranteed to end in success to begin with. Even if Starscream did join the Autobots, there’s no promise that he would side with them forever. Almost all of his decisions are based off his own goals, and many times that can go against the ideas/goals of the group he’s in. Actually, Starscream does end up betraying the Autobot’s trust anyway in Season 2 Episode 23 Inside Job where Starscream uses the Autobots’ (ok, most Optimus Prime’s) trust to steal the Omega Keys and use them in order to gain Megatron’s favor again. Unsurprisingly, trauma victims in the real world also blame themselves for what happened to them too.

There’s many things about TFP Optimus Prime I can forgive. Boring characterization? Fine. An intriguing characterstic (lack of outward emotion) that has potential to be interesting but the writers never decided to explore it? Whatever. But I draw the line at shitty advice presented as a good lesson, especially when your audience is young kids who don’t know better and may need desperate help.

Kids get bullied and abused. Kids need to be told that fighting back against bullies and abusers who have hurt them doesn’t make them a bad person because the “lessons” and “solutions” that many schools and adults teach or tell rarely work. And telling them otherwise because it sounds right isn’t going to help. If anything, it’s only going to hurt those kids in the long run.

TL;DR Arcee is a good girl who deserves hugs and therapy, and Optimus Prime is a self-righteous moron who deserves to be thrown into a smelting pit.

Update: I vented (both to my journal and a trusted friend), made a therapist appointment (I can get one per month but the time has come), cleaned my room and came up with some useful ideas to help me on the following semester. The recent days have been tough for me but I am overcoming slowly. I’m grateful for everyone who respected this and helped me the best they could.  Tomorrow I’m leaving for a (delayed) vacation. I’ll watch out for social distancing and hygiene as always. I have been worried and nearly depressed at the thought of online-college even though I am fully aware of the risks in-person education would bring. I’m not one to decide what my university is going to do, but I will get precautions to protect my mental and physical health. Of course there are things I can’t control, things unfortunate and horrifying and perhaps inevitable, like catching the virus and/or losing someone I love, dying, or being given permanent damage. This reminds me of the times when I was around 17 and there’d be attacks on Paris and I’d freak out. Anyway, this is a different threat, but it still leaves a trace even if I am not directly facing it.  But... There are things I can and cannot control. It’s important to focus on the parts I can control, right? So that I can be the most ready for the worst case without constantly worrying over it. Overdosed anxiety is really useless. (Fun fact: I never thought I had chronic anxiety, but my therapist low-key called me out once saying that I tend to have anxiety, even though she cannot fully diagnose me with it since my “symptoms” are not severe enough, but that they could become a problem if I didn’t keep them in check.)  But well, how can’t you be anxious in this time and age?  I think it’s humanly to be anxious, just... It’s just as humanly as being angry or bitter or salty. What matters is to acknowledge that anxiety and process it healthily without making it toxic for me or people around me.  So let me just vent this: THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. I fucking hate this, I’m so tired of always trying to “protect” my mental health, like, the moment I got my personal problems together, covid19 started. My precious college experience, of whom I lost 1.5 years due depression, got cancelled. Outdoors got cancelled. We don’t know what this virus is or how long I can’t go to the events (congresses, stage plays, concerts, protests, everything... that makes me feel alive and connected and happy and hype) or whether this covid leaves a permanent damage. My parents fucking divorced, and even though the divorce itself hasn’t been traumatic for me I still... switch houses... it’s just... weird. I miss having my family together. I miss doing the things I love, going out, laying on the grasses in front of the faculty with my Starbucks cup and chatting to my two best friends about anything and everything, going to classes, leaving classes, my best friend dragging me to the music faculty so I can listen and record him playing piano, or that we can go out for partying, or we can hit to gym, or we can stay for a coffee chat with everyone, or go to our cheesy dining hall lunches, join to 6 pm events, stay in library to rush a homework together, run to the classroom as we repeat out the enzyme names loud because we just have a quiz, wearing our lab coats and taking silly pics, pretending we get the next Nobel prize as we go to lab, visiting the student’s office in my newspaper, standing on the line of orientation and welcoming the freshmen with giant pics and convincing them to join our club, dancing, petting campus dogs, buying even more Starbucks, I just... I miss everything so much. This is my final year and what if I can never get to experience such a beautiful experience again? What if it is ruthlessly stripped from me despite the crazy tuition fee I pay for online fucking classes? Who on their right mind wants to do online college? It’s the best college here too, like... It ain’t even a bad college, so I can confidently say that I’m missing out A LOT. I know it is like this worldwide but... It doesn’t make my pain any less. And I know this is not a “big” problem compared to getting the virus, but this is severely impacting my mental health so even if this is not a “big” problem, this is valid and serious enough to drive me miserable, which means I need to talk about it.  I miss everything so much. It’s just.  JUST when I’m out of depression and feeling alive...  That I’m homestuck.

I had so many chances that I wasted half of it in my freshman year because I was suicidal. Now I am full of life, but home stuck, and it just hurts, okay? It fucking hurts. Even if I go study another major after this (I considered this since I studied a stem major but I really want some psychology/philosophy/media related things additionally) I will be, idk, 22? It won’t feel the same as being 21. No one can give me the 2020 back. I’m honestly just... so, so, so, so, SO sad. This is overwhelming. This much of online education is too much. And I know that even if we go to campus it’s not the same because we have to wear masks and stay split and cancel big events (which, believe me, I most religiously follow, the virus is no joke and I never let my guard down even for a second) so it won’t be the same. Just... why... why... why... If this virus really came because some guy ate a rat in China, then... 

On the other side, as sad and horrified as I feel, I don’t want to “waste” my time just because it’s “online”. I want to make the most of my time. I want to enjoy whatever I have, I just need to stop obsessing over “why...” and “what if...”s. I need to accept... that life is like this. But god, I guess that’s something for therapy because I’m honestly bad at accepting things which are genuinely unfair to me. Worse since this unfairness is not something that can be just “solved”. It’s not like a friendship conflict. It’s a bloody pandemic, what can I do?  Oh, right, speaking of what I can do, I’ve actually come up with a few solutions. They don’t “solve” the issue but they can decrease the damage enough that I can go on my day to day life at peace. 

But I’ll not talk about the solutions here, I just wanted to vent. I normally don’t post this type of vent here (the miserable ones) but since I refuse to write anyone in dm-s right now, I thought you could read it if you’re worried. I’m sorry but I still don’t want to talk to anyone (except those who are excluded), so.  Anyway, take care! 2020 is crazy but if we can get through this year we can probably get through many other challenges like they’re little snacks! Love you all!