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recentanimenews · 3 years

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INTERVIEW: The Founder of an Anime and Manga Academic Journal Talks Anime Scholarship

Anime and manga have truly begun to enter the mainstream in recent years, with pop culture icons from Michael B. Jordan to Billie Eilish becoming vocal about their love of both. Even in academia, anime and manga are becoming recognized as legitimate art forms. We had the pleasure to talk with Billy Tringali, the Editor-in-Chief of the Journal of Anime and Manga Studies, a new academic publication focusing on... you guessed it, anime and manga! Tringali talks about how the journal was started, the history of anime academia in the West, and the love of the medium that lives at the core of this project.

Could you introduce yourself and give us a brief explanation of the Journal of Anime and Manga Studies?

Hello! I'm Billy Tringali. I have a Master's of Science in Library and Information Science from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign's iSchool, and I'm the Editor-in-Chief of the Journal of Anime and Manga Studies. I'm currently the Outreach Librarian at Emory University School of Law, where I build resources, programming, and partnerships that help support student success. I'm a member of the Editorial Board for the Journal of International Women's Studies. I'm also a popular culture scholar, having presented at the Popular Culture Association's National Conference on topics ranging from building morality systems in vampiric video games to socio-cultural anxieties concerning gender and sexuality in Dracula. I am completely obsessed with anything created by Junji Ito. My favorite manga is a tossup between Death Note and A Silent Voice.

The Journal of Anime and Manga Studies is an open-access journal dedicated to providing an ethical, peer-reviewed space for academics, students, and independent researchers examining the field of anime, manga, cosplay, and fandom studies to share their research with others. JAMS is peer reviewed by scholars with experience in these areas. The goal of JAMS is to explore anime as an art form and bring visibility to the deeper meanings, understandings, and/or cultural significance of anime, manga, cosplay, and their fandoms.

via Netflix

I understand that JAMS was born out of your desire to preserve and champion anime and manga. Could you tell us a bit about your personal experience with the media?

I love anime. I've been a fan of anime since I was a kid, but I didn't really start getting involved with anime and manga from a fandom perspective until high school. I founded my high school's anime club in 2009, and started attending and performing at anime conventions in New England in the same year. I started hosting anime con 'Cosplay Events' at 16, and have performed and hosted at conventions up and down the east coast. I eventually founded the Anime Boston "Cosplay Death Match" after hosting events there for several years. Highlights of managing that program included not being sure if I was getting prize support and running out to buy something to give to the winner (it was a toaster), and convincing my mother and grandmother to cosplay for the first time, throwing them into the event, and actually having my grandmother sweep the competition as Sophie from Howl's Moving Castle. (With my mom coming in second place as Cookin' Mama!) It lives forever on YouTube.

There is something so electric about anime conventions, about being around so many people so passionate about this medium, and being able to be on stage before so many of them was some of the most wonderful parts of my teens and early 20s. I have made some of my very closest friends because of anime, and owe some of my happiest experiences to my involvement with this medium and its fandoms. Then, in April of 2017, I was fortunate enough to visit the Kyoto International Manga Museum. Wandering the museum, surrounded by shelves upon shelves of manga, I came across a message from the museum’s Executive Director that put such a passion in me. I wanted to do something to contribute to this medium. I want scholarship about anime and manga to be accessible to everyone, regardless of university affiliation. JAMS is an action taken to help achieve this goal.

What work goes into launching an academic journal? Did you have to secure funding or institutional resources? How did you get the word out to potential contributors?

Bringing JAMS into existence was an incredibly exciting endeavor that took a lot of hard work. I started JAMS as part of my coursework for my master's degree. I partnered with the University Illinois at Urbana-Champaign's iSchool, the University Library's Office of Scholarly Communication and Publishing, and the Scholarly Commons to begin what would be a year-long notes process, during which I did research about open-access publishing and scholarly communication. Based on this research and the guidance of these offices I built the guidelines for publishing with JAMS. I had to prove there was an interest in this type of work being published and accessible, pointing to the journal Mechademia had been publishing work on anime since 2006, and the dozens of books about anime and manga have been written. But more than proving the idea of interest in anime and manga studies, I needed contributors. I needed to build an editorial board, reviewers, and potential authors. I wrote two conference papers and applied for (and received!) partial funding from the iSchool to present and attempt to pitch JAMS at two, national conferences on popular culture, the Midwest Popular Culture Association / American Culture Association's Conference and the Popular Culture Association's National Conference.

I made and purchased business cards for JAMS, handing them out at panels on anime and manga, pitching JAMS to a variety of scholars who reacted with everything from definite interest, to mild concern, to one scholar actively doubling over with laughter at the thought of open-access publishing and anime colliding. The most amazing moment was, after a panel, when a woman pulled me aside and was eagerly asking me questions about JAMS. She wanted to know about our guidelines, about how the process of approval was going at my university, and when I looked down at her nametag I realized it was Frenchy Lunning - the founder of Mechademia, the journal which had lent so much legitimacy to the idea of JAMS!

Meeting all these accomplished scholars and advertising JAMS at the PCA drummed up enough interest for a slot of peer reviewers and an editorial board. From there, after further evaluation of JAMS principles documentation, JAMS applied to be a part of the Illinois Open Publishing Network, and was successful. We put out our first call for papers not long after that, and published our first issue in October of 2020.

via HBO Max

JAMS is published through Illinois Open Publishing Network. Was accessibility a big concern for you when pursuing the creation of this journal?

Accessibility was my biggest concern when I was crafting JAMS. There was never a moment in time when I considered attempting to pursue the creation of this journal as anything other than open-access. I did my undergrad at a small state school in Massachusetts, and going from that to working as a graduate student in one of the largest academic libraries in the country was astounding. Millions of items at my fingertips that I never had access to before. Having so much access to so much amazing scholarship, I could only think of students at smaller universities, or fans outside of higher education that want to do this type of research. JAMS is open-access to be part of the solution to potential lack of access to scholarship about anime and manga.

Can you give us a general sense of the types of papers you've published and that you are hoping to receive?

JAMS publishes and is interested in high-quality work about anime, manga, cosplay, and their fandoms. We've had submissions, inquiries, and published works across a variety of disciplines. From analysis of the nuclear family structure in a major film, to the representation of the overlap in queer and disability cultures in a manga, to media industry history. Our Editorial Board members and reviewers come from backgrounds ranging from library and information science, to education, to literary studies. Anime and manga studies is a vast subject and extremely interdisciplinary, and because of that JAMS accepts papers from a variety of scholarly perspectives. What is the state of anime and manga academic study in the US? Has it gained more traction parallel to the growth of the industry in the past decade?

Anime and manga studies classes are being taught in universities across the United States. Dozens of articles are published every year that fall under anime and manga studies. People are crafting theses for their advanced degrees about anime, manga, cosplay, and their fandoms. It is an extremely exciting time for anime and manga studies in the United States.

Are anime and manga studies generally taken seriously by the rest of the academic world, or is this an area of study that is still broadly fighting for legitimacy?

I would say that any person who does academic work on popular culture has to deal with occasional comments about their research, and may need to battle harder to prove the legitimacy of their scholarship. But Shakespeare was once popular culture. And Paradise Lost is a fanfiction. Popular culture scholarship is scholarship.

Do you (or do you plan to) collaborate with any Japanese academic centers or scholars?

I would absolutely say that one of JAMS long-term goals would be to include more international scholars on our Editorial Board! Currently JAMS' only institutional connection is to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, but papers have been submitted and published by scholars in several countries. I hope that JAMS can continue to grow, and gain further connections as we do so.

Do you have anything you would like to say to students who want to pursue academic study of anime and manga (or just anime fans who are interested in this sort of work)?

This is the outreach librarian in me, but if you are a student at any level of education - your librarian is your best friend! Librarians are all trained to help you find the information you need. If you want to do research on anime and manga at your institution, they can help you understand what your university library has to offer, and what resources are right at your fingertips. You also don't need to be majoring in Asian Studies or Japanese to engage in anime and manga studies! You can approach fandom from a historical perspective, perform qualitative or quantitative data-based research on using manga in a classroom setting, the sky's the limit! Additionally, there are a number of amazing resource guides put together by librarians all across the internet that are worth digging into. Your local library may also have a connection to a local university, which might give you limited borrowing privileges. Even just doing close readings and analysis of anime can make for amazing presentations at conventions and online, which might help inspire the next person to engage with anime and manga studies.

via HBO Max

Go check out the exciting work being published in JAMS at their website, where you can also submit any of your own academic work for consideration!

You can read an introduction to the journal here.

You can follow Billy Tringali on Twitter @BillyTringali and the journal @OpenAccessAnime.

By: Cayla Coats

#Anime #News #Latest in Anime News by Crunchyroll!

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bssaz97 · 4 years

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Fun Times #1

*Atlas Academy, Recreation Room*

The RWBYNOR group have been experiencing a problem that many Huntsmen experience from time to time....boredom. They had no missions as of late and everything else was pretty much run of the mill errands to do. Something that they all either didn’t want to do or found too tame. The door to the rec room opens and comes in Jaune Arc with frizzed hair and a ‘STOP’ sign he got from his babysit- er, primary school voluntary work. He took a look at the room around him and found a spot to sit at on the end of a couch, in between RWBY and NOR. He sat down and sets the sign on his lap.

Yang: ....Ok I’ll bite, what happened to you Vomit Boy? Did those kids become rascals and tried to climb you like a tree?

Jaune: Pff, I wish, the kids were fine. It’s the mothers of those kids that I had to ward off.

Ruby: Wait what? Those ladies are still giving you trouble?

Jaune: (Rubs his face) No, it’s not that, they’re actually very friendly. A bit too friendly. I swear I had so many of them trying to ‘thank me’ for taking care of their kids that it’s really starting to get on my nerves. I think I’ve been given so many casseroles from Mrs. Lars that it’s starting to pile up in the fridge faster than we can get rid of.

Ruby: Well have you tried I don’t know......telling them to back off or that you’re not interested in their advances.

Jaune: I’ve thought about doing that but I’m worried that if I do that and they take it the wrong way, or maybe they aren’t trying to flirt with me and were just trying to be nice in a over friendly way and they’ll look at me like I’m the one getting the wrong idea.

Nora: Mmm. That’s a good point, a lot of ways they could spin it to make it seem you’re the bad guy. Thirsty moms are a scary thing.

Ruby:(Murmurs) I’ll give 'em something to be scared about....

Jaune: What was that Ruby?

Ruby: What? I didn’t say anything. I was....thinking about that casserole that you mentioned. I’m gonna go get some! (Saying the last statement very tightly then left for the kitchen)

Oscar: So, I’m gonna assume we’re going to be having casserole again for dinner?

Nora: Looks like it. I gotta say, I loved the idea of you getting more attention from the ladies because of the new haircut, but now it’s starting to become old. I miss eating other food!

Blake: Maybe we can go out somewhere to eat so that we have something to do.

Weiss: Actually that does remind me of something. Winter said that the academy was going to be holding a ceremony for a class reunion for older Atlas graduates that she’s going to be attending this evening. Perhaps we can go there.

Oscar: Wouldn’t you all need clearance for that from Ironwood?

Weiss: Nonsense, the event is open to all the Atlas students and hunters, besides it more of a formality for old friends to reacquaint with old peers.

Blake: Well that could be fun. What do you think Yang? ....Yang?

She turned to see that her partner was locked on to her scroll and was having a content smile. Yang looked to be texting someone when all of a sudden she feels a nudge on her shoulder. Yang looks away from the screen and sees everyone’s eyes looking at her inquisitively.

Yang: (Closes her scroll) Haha! Sorry guys you were saying?

Nora: Well.~ You seemed in a good mood, who were you texting?

Yang: Hmm. Oh! I was just reading a message from a pen pal of sorts.

Weiss: Pen pal? I wasn’t aware you had kept in contact with any social relationships outside the rest of us.

Yang: Well Weisscream, I’m sorry to disappoint but I do have a life outside of you all and saving the world. Plus you can’t tell me talking to the same people everyday doesn’t sometimes get on your nerves.

Weiss: Hmm. Fair point. So who are they?

Yang: Oh they’re called Nunya.

Weiss: ‘Nunya’? That’s a interesting name.

Yang: Yeah and their full name is Nunya Business!

Weiss: What kind of name is.....Hey wait a minute!

The other remaining friends starts to laugh at the expense of former heiress. While on of the more intellectual of the group, slang was still foreign to her.

Weiss: Alright! Alright! I get that I walked myself into that one. Sense you are not willing to reveal the identity of your friend Xiao-Long, I will not pry any more.

Yang: Great. Glad to hear Weisscream. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go to the dorm.

Blake: You’re not going to the ceremony with us?

Yang: Sorry Blakey but I’m gonna be flying solo tonight. Miss me too much you guys!~

With that Yang left the rec room and was out of sight from the group.

Jaune: Well sense she’s gonna be doing her own thing, maybe we should try going out someplace fun. Be nice to spend with people my age than moms and kids. By the way is Ruby back yet? She’s been in the kitchen for awhile.

Ren: I’ll check. (Walks from couch to rec room Kitchen) Ruby were you able to-

Ruby is seen looking at a burning pile of what smelt of casseroles in a trash bin. She looks at Ren and they make eye contact for a brief moment before he slowly backtracked his steps and made his way back to the couch.

Ren: Just checked with Ruby, turns out we’re out of casserole. Went bad.

Jaune: Dang it! I knew we wouldn’t be able to finish them before they spoiled.

Ruby:(Coming back from kitchen) Welp! Since we’re out of food, I vote we go do something fun! Maybe we could get Penny to join along.

Weiss: I think she maybe too busy attending the ceremony with Winter as she’s a Atlas representative.

Ruby: Oooohhh yeah. Bummer.

Jaune: Hey Ruby how about we all go see that new movie that we’ve been seeing on the posters lately?

Oscar: Can I come along?

Ruby: Oh, sure I don’t see why not? Jaune?

Jaune: Yeah that’s sounds good the more the merrier!

Oscar: Yes!

Nora: Well you can count us in too! Beats going to a snore fest like a social event. (Grabs Ren and wrapped her arm around him)

Weiss: Well I guess that just leaves you and me Blake.

Blake: You know actually I noticed that the Atlas library had a book that really seemed interesting to read-!

Weiss:(Grabbing her via summon arm) Oh no you don’t! I refuse to attend this event by myself, and you’re the only one singled out by everyone here. So dare try to weasel your way out of this!

Blake: But-! Books!

Weiss: (Dragging her friend to the exit of the rec room exit) They aren’t going to grow legs and run away, they’ll be there when we return.

Blake:(Whimpers)

Soon both W and B of team of their group left the rec room leaving only five of the eight friends by themselves.

Jaune: Guess that just leaves us. Kinda funny, this may be one of the first times we’ve had a chance to hang out as team RNJR.

Ruby: Wait really?! ....oh yeah! Oh this’ll be great then, this will be just like when we had time to relax during our time in Anima!

Nora: Oh yeah Team RNJR is back baby! Wait a minute, we have Oscar with us so that does kind of chance the name a bit.

Ren: So what should we call this arrangement then?

Nora:Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Jaune: Guys we don’t need necessarily a new name for the group, we’re just going to see a movie, not fight a final boss Grimm.

Ruby: Besides, it’s just like Jaune said, doesn’t matter what we’re called. As long as we’re together. (Smiles)

Nora: Yeah you’re right. I’ll think of something later. Anyway let’s make this night a killer!

Ruby/Jaune: Yeah!

Ren/Oscar: Yeah.

*RWBY Dormitory*

Yang entered the room and sighed. That was a close one, she almost didn’t think they would let her leave that easily. Before she could think about the matter further she felt her scroll vibrate as her friend had messaged her once more. She opened the scroll to view the message.

White_Knight: Are you still up for tonight? I didn’t rush you too soon did I?

White_Knight: I could always reschedule!

Sun_Dragon: Nah . You’re good, just my friend was trying to be nosey.

Sun_Dragon: Anyway, you still want to go see that new horror flick that’s out now? Heard it’s supposed to be intense.

White_Knight: Most definitely. I’ve reserved private seats for us on top where we won’t have anyone being ‘nosey’ as you say it.

Sun_Dragon: Really?! Dang I thought reserving a seat was hella expensive on primere night!

White_Knight: Never to fear, I have good connections so the seats are very much legit.

Sun_Dragon: ....bet?

White_Knight: On everything.

Sun_Dragon: Geez Knight, keep tryin’ to impress me and you might get yourself a girlfriend by the end of the night cutie~ ;-)

White_Knight: I like to impress my dear. But let’s keep it slow before we start talking about relationships. Or you might come off as desperate ;-)

Sun_Dragon: Ok see you tonight <3

White_Knight: Can’t wait! <3

Yang smiled after the chat with her pen pal. She originally started talking to Knight after download Instaspam on her scroll when she took that selfie with Blake. Originally she got a lot of likes for how the two looked like a cute lesbian couple but she put a plug on that real quick. While she and Blake we’re getting back to better times, she wasn’t really interested in starting a full on relationship with her partner. Kind of brought bad thoughts about her own family dynamic so that was a no-no. Of course she did lose a few subs for the apparent ‘queer baiting’ from some of the ruder people on the app, but others were actually glad that she made the clarification early on so that people wouldn’t make inaccurate assumptions.

It was actually how she met Knight, through a personal message saying how brave she was to tell the truth and not to take the fake friends words seriously. Yang was a bit suprised about the message so she thanked him later and one thing lead to another and they were talking almost everyday whenever she wasn’t on missions. She got a look at his profile and it looked like he was a music enthusiast and played multiple instruments like the piano and violin. She of course teased him of being a nerd for apparently liking classical music for being a young man. However to her suprise he sent her a link to one of his tracks of his music and while not of fan of classical, he was very good at playing piano covers. He didn’t have a profile picture so she asked if she could send her a picture, she had to be sure he wasn’t a creepy old man or something. To her suprise he did send a picture. Granted he was wearing a hat and a pair of glasses but he definitely looked young. Maybe a bit too young. She was a bit uncomfortable about this little tidbit about Knight, but she knew he was definitely only two years younger than her.

Yang’s sisterly instinct was too let Knight know that he shouldn’t try to flirt with girls older than him but the more she thought about it....it couldn’t be that bad. They stayed only as friends and besides casual teasing it wasn’t anything excessive that would send people the wrong message. So she kept in contact with him. Besides her own sister had a massive crush on a guy two years her senior so it wasn’t that bad. Besides Knight was a nice guy, always polite, never vulgar or tried to ask for body shots of her. What really got her was his respect for women. He apparently had a family mostly consisting of women so that put some insight. So Yang was very glad that Knight didn’t turn out to be a creep. Who knows, maybe she might give him a reward if this first outing goes smoothly.

Yang: Guess I’ll see you tonight Mr. Knight.~

*Schnee Manor*

Whitley has been rereading the chat for the past two minutes and couldn’t believe how far Sun_Dragon and him have come from complete strangers to good friends. He originally gotten Instaspam as a way to entertain himself and share his musical taste to other musical enthusiasts. When one of his recommended came up one day and he saw a picture that immediately took his breath away. That was when first was introduced to Sun_Dragon. He saw at the time how people were bashing her for the honestly miss assumptions about her relationship with a friend. He couldn’t believe how others could be so ignorant and uncouth behavior they were treating the poor dear. He normally doesn’t try to engage in these types of topics but he knew he needed to say something that would let her know that not everyone was like these wolves who just enjoyed to harass her. From their their interactions developed then blossomed into the first genuine relationship he’s ever had.

Truthfully if he had to say, Sun_Dragon may have been his only friend. A friend that he had grown especially fond of. Whitley tried to reason that he was only had a small crush because of her majestic beauty, but soon he began to realize that he found everything about her wonderful, her personality, her casual attude and her plain honesty she told. He had never met a more genuine person than Sun_Dragon. The only problem he was worried about was if his age had worried her some, because being a underage minor made some who were female admirers scared off because of fear of being called a pedophile. However she seemed not too worried about the age gap as she was only two years older than him. That made his whole day when she told him that. Whitley was content for the most part with the screen conversations they had but soon he desired to step up the pace, to meet in person. Whitley was sure she would turn down his advances but surprisingly Sun_Dragon favored the idea as well and now brought him to this moment. In a mere few hours he will meet the woman of his dreams. So naturally he only had one response.

Whitley: YES!!! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes yes, yes! Whitley you’re a genius! Oh my gods! Thank you! Oh......this is officially the best day of my life.

So yes, he was excited.

*Trying something different just a bit of a side story, not canon to anything just a spoof or omake if you will. More for comedy than anything. Hope you all enjoy!*

#rwby lancaster #lancaster #ruby rose x jaune arc #ruby rose #jaune arc #yang xiao long #weiss schnee #blake belladona #nora valkyrie #lie ren #oscar pine #whitley schnee #rwby frozen dragon

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shillanseva · 4 years

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(prompt) triple treble with beca having a stutter/selective mutism and their way with communication

@uncomfortable-and-queer I have no idea if this is at all what you had in mind and I definitely when overboard, but here it is. I had to do a little research to make sure I understood what selective mutism entailed but I think I got it so I hope you like this. I really enjoyed writing it. (It hasn’t been edited yet, so there are probably mistakes.)

All she wanted was for him to leave. He stood at her open door expectantly, waiting for her to say something, anything, but nothing would come.

She hadn’t said a word to him since she was eleven, and he’d left her mother alone, broken, and wondering why she wasn’t good enough. Even before then, she’d said little more than a word or two here and there.

Her mother was the only person who could get a real conversation out of Beca since the time she could talk. And when they did talk, it was about everything and nothing all at the same time. Her mother was her best friend.

When she died, Beca lost the one person left in the world that she was comfortable enough to talk to. It had been breast cancer, which normally, is very curable, but they’d caught it too late. And her health went downhill fast. There was little they could, but make the most of the time they had left together. Her mother’s dying words to Beca were a wish that she would live a life full of love and friendship, a wish Beca wasn’t entirely sure was possible.

She never had the ability to really talk to other people. It just came with the territory. Selective muteness wasn’t as selective as the name implied. Her subconscious made the decisions on who she could or couldn’t talk to. The anxiety was a bitch that way. If Beca wasn’t comfortable, she couldn’t talk. And then when she couldn’t talk, she got more anxious because no one could understand her making her speech block grow. It was a vicious cycle. One she’d been working to jump out of for as long as she can remember.

Her therapist had told her that the way to get past selective muteness as an adult was to eliminate as much anxiety and stress from a scenario as possible and eventually the words would flow. Beca got the point, but as with most things, it was easier said than done. So, now she was standing there in her new dorm room on her first day at college, staring at her father who was waiting for her to say something to him, and she just couldn’t.

She watched him cautiously as thoughts flitted through his mind as he decided what to do. Eventually, he seemed to realize that Beca just wasn’t going to say anything to him—not that he wasn’t used to it. It had been almost eight full years since he heard her voice.

“Alright Beca,” he finally sighed. “I guess I’ll be heading out. Shoot me a text if you need anything.”

Beca nodded her head and waved her hand slightly. Her dad hesitated for a moment before he spoke again. “Really, if you need anything, please reach out. You don’t have to be alone here Beca.”

Beca sighed and nodded again. She knew her dad meant well. Now that she was grown, she couldn’t exactly blame him for not making the relationship with her mother work. They fought constantly. That’s not what a relationship should be—at least she assumed it shouldn’t be. She’d never had a functioning relationship to look up to while she grew up.

Her dad left the room without another word, and Beca turned back to the few bags she’d tossed on the floor when she had arrived on campus. The first thing she pulled out was her mixing equipment. It was already set up with her lap top on her desk in the corner of the room. All that was really left was some clothes and small items. She didn’t have a lot.

Her roommate had already been there and left the minute Beca entered the room without so much as a hello, which was fine with Beca because less talking meant Beca was less likely to come off as a freak for not talking. She found that being silent tended to unnerve people. She had at least developed the ability to push body language through the block so as long as no one tried to really talk to her, she would be fine.

Beca hummed softly to herself as she pulled her clothes from a torn-up, frayed duffle bag on her bunk. Mostly plaid button-downs in various dark shades, and a few pairs of jeans made up her wardrobe. Nothing fancy. Beca just wasn’t a fancy person because a; dresses and dress clothes just fucking sucked, and b; the only fancy occasions she’d gone to (forced) were family events which were basically as rare as blizzards in Atlanta, Georgia. Not that she cared, family wasn’t really a thing to her without her mother.

It only took another fifteen minutes for Beca to put the finishing touches on her unpacking. She thought about sitting down to start working on some of her unfinished projects, but decided against it when she felt her stomach rumble violently. She probably should figure out where the dining hall was. No way was she going to live off ramen.

Beca had to (begrudgingly) admit that Barden’s campus was beautiful. She grew up in the Pacific Northwest, not too far from Seattle, and wasn’t used to the amount of sunlight that came from living in the South. It was hot. Way too hot for the skinny jeans she wore, but she’d deal. She didn’t even own a pair of shorts.

According to the campus map she’d downloaded onto her phone (to avoiding looking like a lost freshman,) the dining hall was only supposed to be on the other side of the quad. The quad that was currently busting at the seams with activity fair booths and over-eager student org types. She shook her head knowing she didn’t have much of a choice, she might as well face it head on. It’s not like she actually had to pay attention to anyone. She’d just keep her head down and move quickly.

Or so was the plan—until a hand thrust a flyer in front of her face and Beca nearly fell backwards from the suddenness of it. She looked up to find the brightest pair of blue eyes she had ever seen in her life. If Beca hadn’t been so captivated by them, she probably would have thought they were kind of ridiculous, cause seriously who has eyes that blue? But, as it was, Beca was captivated. It took a second to shake herself out of her stupor in order to take in the rest of the woman who had stopped her. Her red hair was like something straight out of a magazine, falling in generous waves and framing her face.

“Would you like to join our music group?” the redhead said quickly with a voice that almost made Beca shiver with its sweetness. Her eyebrows rose as she looked down to exam the flyer in front of her. The Barden Bellas, huh?

“We’re an all women acapella group. We sing covers of songs, but do it without any instruments. It all comes from our mouths!” Beca smiles at the oversell the woman gives her. She was cute, in a crazy girl-next-door, had-too-much-sugar kind of way, but Beca had no desire to join any on-campus groups. She was only here for a year to appease her father before she went off to LA to try and make it in the music industry. If Daft Punk could make it without speaking more than a dozen words than so can she. “There are four groups on campus—the Bellas, that’s us. We’re the tits. The BU Harmonics, the High Notes, and the Treblemakers.”

The woman’s smile faltered as she looked in their direction. The group in question was standing towards the edge of the quad aggressively singing towards people as they passed by.

“I’m Chloe, by the way. I am one of the co-captains and behind me is Aubrey,” she said returning her dazzling attention to Beca. Beca glanced behind Chloe to see a blonde woman with what seemed to be a perpetual frown on her face. “Are you interested in auditioning?”

Beca quirked a smile at Chloe and laughed softly, not even realizing it. Honestly, she kind of felt bad. Chloe was friendly enough and it felt kind of like kicking a puppy to say no to her, but come on? Acapella? It was pretty lame. Beca feel another pair of eyes on her as she shook her at Chloe and tried to hand back the flier.

“Aca-scuse me?” the other woman, Aubrey, said approaching the pair from behind Chloe. She’d seen Beca laugh and shake her head at Chloe and her protective instincts flared against the tiny brunette.

“What’s wrong with synchronized lady dancing to a Mariah Carey chart topper?” Her voice was incredulous as if Beca had just insulted her god, which based on that little comment was probably Beyonce. Beca just smirked at the older woman and her eyebrows raised in silent amusement.

Sensing a building tension between the two, Chloe stepped lightly in front of Aubrey and spoke again. “We sing all over the world and compete in national championships.”

So? Beca made a face which bordered the lines of pity and amusement.

“We played the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Center you bitch,” Aubrey said. The silence of the other woman was irritating her. How could this girl rile her up without even a word? Chloe had reached out and grabbed her hand gently whispering a soft “settle” to the blonde. Beca’s eyes raised slightly at the strangely intimate exchange but didn’t have time to read too much into it before Chloe was speaking to her again.

“What Aubrey means to say is that we’re a close-knit, talented group of ladies whose dream is to return to the national finals at Lincoln Center this year.” Beca could have sworn Chloe’s eyes got bigger as she spoke, like fucking puppy-dog eyes, they were so huge. “Help us turn our dreams into a reality?”

Beca really did feel like she was kicking a puppy now. She smiled sadly at the redhead and avoided Aubrey’s eyes as she shook her head. She set the flier onto their table as she walked away, hoping to find a part-time job in the throng of tables.

Chloe was following Beca’s path curiously as she weaved through the crowds of people. “She didn’t say one word to us, did she?” Chloe suddenly realized and turned to look at Aubrey. Aubrey shook her head.

“No, she didn’t.”

“Weird,” Chloe said softly to herself.

“She’s probably one of those freak loner types,” Aubrey said with a scowl. “Definitely not Bella material.”

“She was cute though,” Chloe said gauging her girlfriend’s reaction as she said the words. “In an alternative kind of way.”

“Cute.” Aubrey scoffed. “With all those ear monstrosities, it’s hard to believe she doesn’t have a prison tattoo to go with them.”

“Aubrey,” Chloe said laughing gently.

***

Beca managed to find a radio station booth later that day and signed up for an internship. The details were pretty vague, but she was given a time and place to show up the next day and she was pretty excited. Excited enough that she completely forgot why she left her dorm room in the first place. It wasn’t until an hour after she got back to her room that she remembered she still needed to eat.

Her first day of classes was also the next day. She was feeling pretty conflicted about them. Since she was only planning on being at Barden for a year, she had only signed up for fluff classes—the 101s. None of them interested her though so she debated if she would even go to them. The only thing professors did on the first day of class was hand out a syllabus and let you leave, and most of her syllabi were posted online anyway.

Eventually she decided, fuck it, and went to class anyway. She would have rather stuck around her dorm and messed around with some of her mixes, but her roommate had been glaring proverbial daggers at her for two hours by the time she finally left, and it felt like a breath of fresh air to get away from Kimmy Jin. Beca didn’t think she would ever get to the point where she could say anything to her roommate anyway so she was content to let Kimmy Jin hate her.

By mid-afternoon, Beca was nearly jumping out of her skin at her proximity to other people. She could handle herself fairly well in smaller groups or large groups for short periods of times, but 101s were huge lecture hall classes spanning an hour or more. And she had multiple of them in one day. She couldn’t wait to get back her dorm so she could escape for a while.

Her excitement for the radio job had waned some in the exhaustion that came with her anxiety. It was still there, don’t misunderstand, but she knew she’d have to deal with people when she got there, and that is exactly what she didn’t want right now. Like yeah, she got that it was a part of the job, but there was only so much she could take in a day.

It hadn’t turned out as bad as she thought it would though. She was able to get across to Luke that she was nonverbal, and he seemed totally down with that—something about it making her less annoying than the other undergrads trying to get time in the booth. And Beca didn’t think the other new guy even noticed or even stopped talking from the minute he got there to the minute he left. He seemed nice enough, and the fact that he could carry on a conversation by himself without needing Beca’s response was definitely a bonus.

Life carried on like that for another week or so. Beca would get up in the morning and skip class until about four in the afternoon when she’d go in for her shift at the station. When she wasn’t at the station, her eyes were glued to her computer screen arranging, mixing, and sometimes even composing new music. She was fine with the routine. It got her through the day with minimal exposure to other people. That is until the second week of class when her father texted her at eight in the morning asking why wasn’t in her philosophy 101 class.

Beca knew she needed to answer. If she didn’t then he was just going to show up at her dorm room again, and then who knows how long it would be before she got him to leave.

How did you even know? Beca shot off the text and started gathering her stuff to go shower.

You don’t need to know. Why aren’t you there?

She snorts and sends back a response knowing it’ll likely piss him off. I’m posing an important philosophical question: If I don’t actually go to class, will that class still suck?

When he didn’t respond for another five minutes, Beca actually started to get worried that he was coming to her dorm—that is, until a massive paragraph popped up on her screen.

Beca.. I know you’re mad at me and I get it. But you need to get an education. The music industry isn’t so forgiving and someday you might need a backup. You’re missing out on so many experiences by staying in your dorm room. It’s supposed to prepare you for real life. And you’re supposed to create memories here. Do you even have any friends yet?

Okay, so that one hurt a little bit. She knew she was a loner, but he couldn’t exactly blame her. Who wants to be friends with the weird mute kid who wears too much eye liner? She’d had this fight with him at least a dozen times before she got to Barden. All she wanted to do was go to LA, and she didn’t get why he couldn’t accept that. Another message popped up on her screen:

Just try something. Anything. Put yourself out there. A job at the radio station with three weirdos doesn’t count. Just do something with real people, and if in a year, you still want to run off to be some big time music producer then I’ll help you move to LA.

Beca had to do a double take at her phone. No way was he saying that? Was he serious? It was that easy?

But you have to pass all your classes.

Beca sighed in defeat. There went her idea to just skip out on her classes until she could leave. She shot off an “okay” message to her dad then grabbed her towel and toiletries to head to the bathroom.

The bathrooms were usually pretty empty at this time of the day as everyone was off to their classes or the dining hall by now. There were the occasional stragglers like Beca who didn’t give a crap about their morning classes—or they’d won the lottery and didn’t have an early AM class. None of them were in the showers that morning though, at least that Beca noticed.

She hummed Titanium quietly to herself as she hung her towel on a peg outside of the shower curtain and tossed her soaps into the shower and set the water on hot before shutting the curtain. As soon as the curtain was closed, it felt like a wall and dropped Beca was free. The words to the song rang out loud and clear through the tiled room as Beca closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the hot water against her chest. She was so absorbed into her own little world that she didn’t notice the jingle of the curtain being opened until a squealed “Oh my god” startled her from her reverie and she flew into the back wall of the shower trying to cover herself up.

“You can sing!” the excited voice shrilled. Beca glanced over her shoulder to see the red head, Chloe, from the activity fair standing behind her—completely nude. Of course, this would happen to Beca. The first time she gets to see a hot girl naked and it’s practically assault. Beca tried to hold her shampoo bottle up to cover her chest as the girl’s eyes started to roam a little bit. She reached out and tried to close the curtain but Chloe just ripped it open again. “How high does your belt go?”

Beca didn’t answer and instead tried too look anywhere but directly at Chloe, which Chloe wasn’t making any easier as she rambled on about the song Beca was singing. Beca was pleasantly surprised to know that Chloe knew who David Ghetta was even though Titanium was playing constantly on the top 40 stations.

Beca snapped out of her thoughts when she heard Chloe say something about her “lady jam” and she scowled at the girl. Said scowl intensified when Chloe asked her to sing it for her and Beca quickly shook her head.

“No, not for that reason,” Chloe said quickly. “Look, I’m not leaving here until you sing so…”

Beca shook her head again, trying to breath deeply and control the anxiety building in her stomach. After waiting for what felt like an hour, only really about thirty seconds, Beca quietly sang the first words of Titanium’s chorus. Her voice getting stronger with each passing beat. She heard Chloe’s voice join in on the harmony and she almost melted a little because it was like really good. And she hadn’t sang with anyone since her mom so it felt kind of special that this random naked girl she’d met once before was able to cause this level of comfort in Beca.

Beca smiled a little as they finished the chorus, and she almost forgot that she was completely naked until Chloe glanced down for just a second. Beca raised her eyes back to the ceiling again and looked away from Chloe.

“Yeah,” Chloe said, laughing at Beca’s shy response. “I’m pretty confident about all this.” She gestured down her body.

“Look,” Chloe said. “I get that you’re this like quiet, mysterious type, but your voice rocks. You should try out for the Bellas. Auditions are Saturday okay?”

Beca nodded, still refusing to look at Chloe even as she handed Beca her towel. This was absolutely crazy. Why in the world would she go to this audition now? Chloe had assaulted her in the shower. Who does that?

And yet, four days later, Beca found herself pushing open the exit door to the backstage of a small auditorium. She felt crazy even being here. She had never been able to sing in front of an audience before, what made her think she could now? She could feel the anxiety pushing adrenalin through her veins and she took a few calming breaths as she approached the stage.

“That was the last audition of the day,” a voice said as Beca peaked her head around the corner to look out at the groups seated in the auditorium. They were fairly easy to tell apart because they all sat separated from each other. Chloe and Aubrey were seated near the front and Aubrey had just begun shuffling a stack of papers together when Chloe caught Beca’s eye and yelled out, “Wait there’s one more.”

Chloe smiled hesitantly at Beca who took another deep breath and walked out onto the stage. She gave small smile and wave to Chloe before sitting down directly in front of the two co-captains. Beca hadn’t known she needed to prepare a song, but she knew one that her mom had taught her that she could easily sing on the fly so long as she could actually get herself to sing. She noticed a cup of pens on the desk in front of her and glanced cautious at Aubrey and reached out of it. After a second Aubrey gave a small, confused nod, and Beca grabbed the cup from the table, gently pouring the pens onto its surface in the process.

Beca sat back down against the stage and sighed heavily. She could do this. She knew she could so long as she just kept herself calm. Her therapist always told her that getting past her block was all about reducing anxiety.

She looked up to see Chloe smiling still at her and she felt her shoulders fall a bit as tension released. There was some impatient shuffling echoing towards the back of the auditorium, but Beca chose to drown it all out in exchange for keeping eye contact with Chloe. Those brilliantly blue eyes kept her focused for so long she didn’t even realize when she’d finished the song—nor did she notice the steel-melting glare Aubrey was directing towards her.

Without a word, Aubrey handed an audition application to Beca to fill out, while Chloe excitedly told Beca that she would hear from them by the end of the day and to be prepared—which Beca found cryptic as fuck.

After Beca had left the auditorium, Chloe turned to her girlfriend happily. “See, I told you we would see her again.”

Aubrey rolled her eyes, unwilling to admit that Chloe was right. Despite her outwardly hostile reaction toward Beca, the girl still intrigued her. After Chloe explained how she’d “stumbled” onto Beca singing in the shower and the girl still wouldn’t talk, Aubrey had pulled out her computer and done two hours worth of research on muteness. Chloe had teased Aubrey that she had a little crush on Beca, but Aubrey had stoically ignored her girlfriend in favor of pouring herself into rehearsal planning for the Bella’s.

“She still doesn’t look the part of a Bella,” Aubrey said not withholding the disdain she felt for Beca’s “alternative” style.

“We can cute her up,” Chloe said smiling. “She’s already tiny so she’s like half way there.”

“Those hideous earrings will have to go,” Aubrey added as she slid a stack of audition forms into her bag.

“Newsflash Aubrey,” Chloe sighed. “Of all the girls we auditioned today, like two of them would have fit the traditional Bella look. We should be looking for good singers. That’s the part that matters.”

Aubrey sighed. Chloe had a point. And at least with Beca, reducing the girl’s eyeliner was most of the battle to make her look like a Bella. But she didn’t like Beca. She didn’t like the way she looked at Chloe and she didn’t like that Beca wore a perpetual smirk like she thought everything around her was just vaguely amusing.

Later that evening found Beca standing in a dark room with a hood over her head, Chloe’s warning echoing through her head. She could hear Aubrey talking about some oath which sounded completely ridiculous to Beca. Who even cared who slept with who, and where was Aubrey going to get these wolves to rip out their vocal cords if they did sleep with a Treble?

When Aubrey’s cult initiation was finished, Beca found herself being ushered back into the van with the other girls and driven to a spot nearby on campus where a party was already violating noise ordinances.

“Welcome to hood night,” Aubrey said as she set the van into park. She glanced back through the review mirror and caught Beca’s eye. Her facial expression was entirely neutral which made Beca uncomfortable. She could already tell the blonde didn’t particularly like her and she had a sinking feeling that it had something to do with the way Beca couldn’t take her eyes off Chloe. It’s not like she meant to do it. Chloe was just the only person in the room that seemed to ground her. Beca knew better than to get attached though so she decided to just avoid Chloe. An idea that Chloe made extremely difficult to follow.

Beca remained off to the side for most of hood night. Acapella people turned out to be a little rowdier than she would have anticipated, and even then, large crowds weren’t Beca’s thing. Chloe had attempted three separate times to get Beca to come down and join the party and each time Beca had shook her head and grimaced. Jesse’s attempts to get her to socialize were just a futile.

He approached her about an hour after she got there, already three shades to the wind, and started talking about their “aca-children.” Beca nearly trip him backwards down the stairs just to get him to shut up, but she smiled to humor him just so that he wouldn’t push the conversation too hard. Of course, he did anyway, and Beca could see Aubrey across the amphitheater glaring at the Treblemaker. Beca found it all highly amusing and decided to play into it a little and smile more at Jesse just to get a rise out of the blonde. She knew she would regret the interaction with Jesse later, but she just didn’t really care right then.

Eventually Jesse got bored of talking and moved back down into the amphitheater to dance with the other aca-people. His retreat was followed quickly by Aubrey’s arrival. The blonde came to stand next to Beca without a word and handed off a red solo cup filled with whatever backwash swill college kids consider beer.

“Parties aren’t your thing,” Aubrey stated after a few moments. Beca shook her head. Never had been and likely never would be.

“Mine either,” Aubrey continued. “But Chloe manages to drag me to a few of them every year.”

Beca watched Aubrey cautiously. She was slightly confused as to why the blonde was even talking to her. Aubrey’s eyes tracked Chloe as she socialized across the party. She never stood in one place to long because there was always someone new to talk to—ever the social butterfly, Chloe couldn’t just leave without meeting everyone.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” Aubrey blurted. Beca smiled and laughed a little. She somehow got the feeling that Aubrey wasn’t the type to blurt so Beca’s silence must have really bothered her. “What’s so funny?”

Beca pulled out her phone and gestured for Aubrey to grab hers as well before snatching it from the blonde’s hand and adding her number. She sent herself and then handed the phone back to Aubrey who took the phone cautiously, like Beca had just rigged it to explode.

Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to ask mutes about their emotional trauma? Beca sent back trying to keep a straight face.

“Th-that’s not what I meant?” Aubrey burst, and her face flushed red. “I’m sorry. That was so rude. It’s none of my business.”

Dude chill. I was joking.

Aubrey looked up and saw that Beca was smiling at her, the teasing glint evident in her eye. Aubrey scowled but then smiled slightly at the younger woman. “That was mean.”

You should have seen your face though.

Aubrey smacked her on the back of the arm lightly. “Is-is that normally how you talk to people? Through texting?” Aubrey asked. Beca could tell Aubrey had a lot of questions which made her hesitant to respond. But there was also a voice. And the voice in Beca’s mind was usually right so texted her back.

Only when they’re worth the effort. Beca winked at Aubrey when she looked back up from her phone. Aubrey’s blush returned, but she just hummed in response to Beca. She felt like she had already pushed the younger woman for information more than she should have. They just met after all. Aubrey couldn’t just dump all her questions and curiosities off on her the first time they talked. Aubrey was so distracted by her curiosity that she forgot that not twelve hours ago she was glaring holes through Beca’s skull for staring at Chloe.

Beca relaxed next to Aubrey. It seemed like the blonde wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe a little intense, but she was kind of cute when she was flustered. She could see why Chloe liked her if this is what Aubrey was like one-on-one. It hadn’t taken a genius to figure out the two were a couple. Beca could just by the way that Aubrey had reacted to her earlier that day.

Hey. I wanna apologize for earlier today. I didn’t know about you and Chloe. I just… I don’t know. I wouldn’t have been able to do that audition with out her.

Aubrey reread the text a couple times. She and Chloe weren’t exactly out on campus so that Beca had figured them out was surprising.

“You’re observant,” Aubrey said quietly. Beca just nodded her head. It was sort of obvious. When you don’t spend your time talking, you spending it listening and watching. Beca had become some what of an expert on body language.

Your secret is safe with me.

Aubrey hummed. “Chloe has a way with people,” she admitted. “She exudes calm while somehow being the most bubbly person in the room. She was able to talk me down from a panic attack less than an hour after we met.”

Beca blinked at the admission. Sure, Aubrey was intense, but Beca had figured that’s just how she was—not that it was side effect of another problem.

I get it. I haven’t sung in front of another person since I was 11… She wasn’t sure why she was telling Aubrey this. Beca didn’t do friends so why was she telling the blonde her tragic backstory. Usually Beca ran before she ever had to become personal. But if Aubrey was surprised at the admission, she didn’t show it.

“You have a beautiful voice,” Aubrey said. Beca wondered briefly if it hurt for her to admit it. “We’re… lucky to have you on our team.”

Flattery will get you everywhere Posen. Aubrey snorted as she read the text, and Beca couldn’t help but think it was cute. They stood together for another fifteen minutes before Aubrey decided to retrieve Chloe who, in the middle of her drunken dancing, had gotten a little too close to some hedges at the edge of the amphitheater and gotten her hair stuck.

Beca felt like she’d made a valiant attempt at “partying” by this time and decided to walk back to her dorm. Other than the nerd party happening behind her, campus was quiet which Beca appreciated immensely.

The following day was the first Bella’s rehearsal. Beca managed to drag her carcass out of bed in time to get to her philosophy class, but by the time she got to rehearsal she felt completely drained. Aubrey didn’t make it any easier on her either. After drop kicking two of the new freshmen, she pushed them into running laps around the rehearsal space. Exercise had never really bothered Beca, but she was so tired that day that when Chloe finally called rehearsal, Beca just dropped to her knees for a few minutes to recover her breath.

Rehearsals continued much the same way for the rest of the week. The other Bellas pushed back some on the cardio, but after exhibiting a glass-shattering high-G that lasted nearly a minute, which she attributed to their excessive cardio, Aubrey was able to hush a majority of the complaints.

Aubrey was a drill sergeant in rehearsals. She was a cold perfectionist with a failure complex, and Beca found herself growing irritated with the blonde each passing day. They learned about Aubrey’s blunder the year previous in their second rehearsal, and Beca couldn’t help but sympathize with Aubrey—they had similar problems that manifested in different ways. But what she couldn’t sympathize with was the grueling four-hour rehearsals that left her hoarse and sore at the end of the night. Beca’s voice wasn’t used to this much exercise and she was really beginning to struggle with the rehearsals.

Aubrey finally realized Beca’s struggle when they got to the second week of rehearsals. She felt bad that she hadn’t noticed it sooner, but Beca had never made any complaints. In fact, of all the girls, Beca was the easiest to work with because she never complained, which, Aubrey conceded, was probably unfair to Beca since she didn’t talk.

“Beca, bring your phone” Aubrey called as she waved Beca over at the end of their sixth rehearsal. Chloe watched them curiously. Beca had not sounded her best that day, and she was worried at what Aubrey was about to do. But instead, what happened left Chloe utterly dumbfounded.

Beca walked over to Aubrey with her head hung slightly, fully expecting to get laid into. Aubrey put two fingers under Beca’s chin to lift her gaze from the floor. “How is your throat?” she asked softly. Beca’s eyebrows shot to her hairline. “What? I care,” Aubrey laughed at the astonishment on Beca’s face.

Beca pulled out her cell phone and tapped out a response that Chloe couldn’t see from across the rehearsal space.

“I figured as much,” Aubrey said, nodding at what she read on her phone. Aubrey turned around and ran to her bag a few feet behind her and pulled out a grocery bag. Chloe had wondered what that was earlier today. Aubrey had left it sitting on their kitchen table and Chloe had looked through it just out of curiosity. It contained some pretty typical sore throat remedies—stuff like honey, tea, and lozenges. Aubrey handed the bag straight to Beca. “These should help some. Do you have a humidifier?”

Beca shook her head while Chloe looked on like Aubrey had just picked Beca up off the ground and piledrove her into the concreate. Beca discretely smirked in Chloe’s direction before returning her attention to Aubrey who was talking about the benefits of sleeping with a humidifier.

“I have one from when Chloe had strep throat last year if you want to borrow it?” Aubrey finished. She watched Beca tap out a response and then read her phone. “Okay, I’ll drop it by later tonight. What’s your dorm number?”

Beca sent Aubrey a quick response which caused the blonde to laugh, “You wish, Mitchell.”

The laugh from Aubrey made Beca smile which made Chloe smile as well. They rarely saw a genuine smile come from Beca. It was beautiful—blindingly so to Aubrey who froze when she felt her heart skip a beat. Chloe didn’t miss that reaction, and she frowned slightly.

“So those were for Beca?” Chloe asked when she’d finally left the gymnasium. Aubrey looked a little like a deer in the headlights at being caught.

“Yes,” Aubrey said. “I realized last night that a four-hour rehearsal was more vocal activity than Beca has had in a month. I wanted to be prepared in the event that it became too much for her. Which it did. You heard how her voice cracked today.”

Chloe’s heart softened at the kindness her girlfriend was showing the younger Bella. “Who would have thought, Aubrey Posen, certified softy,” Chloe tried to joke, though the smile didn’t quite seem real to Aubrey. She could see the fear in Chloe’s eyes, and she immediately felt terrible.

“Chloe,” Aubrey said walking over to where her girlfriend stood ready to leave. She reached hand up and brushed back a few strands of hair that had fallen loose from her ponytail during rehearsals. “You know I love you right?”

Chloe nodded and smiled. Of course, she knew Aubrey loved her. “It never hurts to hear you say it,” she whispered and leaned her cheek into the hand that now rested there. Aubrey pressed a sweet kiss against Chloe’s lips and Chloe said a quiet “I love you too” before they pulled apart and left for the night.

Whatever was happening between Aubrey and Beca weighed heavily in Chloe’s mind though. She didn’t even know they had each other’s phone numbers let alone that Beca had active conversations with her girlfriend. She felt sort of left out actually. Chloe was normally the one who made friends first, not Aubrey.

After a few more days, Aubrey could sense the growing fear in Chloe as she spent more of her attention on Beca. It wasn’t on purpose, but Aubrey couldn’t help the feeling of protectiveness she developed for the small Bella. She felt a kinship with Beca over their issues with anxiety, and it was nothing against Chloe, but Aubrey was sure that Chloe had never felt that level of internal conflict. Or, at least, Chloe had never been debilitated by it. And it felt so good to finally have someone in her life that understood it, even if she and Beca never talked about it.

Aubrey didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until she received a text from Beca about “needing her” and Chloe had nearly collapsed into tears when she read it off the blonde’s home screen. Aubrey had spent the next hour reassuring her distraught girlfriend of how much she loved her and that her and Beca were just friends. Obviously, there was more they needed to talk about, but even Chloe knew that for Beca to have texted Aubrey for help, it must have been important. Important enough that Chloe tagged along out of fear for the younger Bella. While Beca hadn’t necessarily opened up to Chloe the way she had with Aubrey, Chloe had still managed to climb her way past a couple of Beca’s walls. The constant physical affection had worn her down embarrassingly quick. But Beca tried not to read too much into it because Chloe was just like that. She was affectionate with everyone. It didn’t stop the butterflies though.

Chloe and Aubrey arrived at Beca’s dorm about an hour and a half after getting her text. Aubrey felt bad that they didn’t leave sooner, but Chloe had needed that time from Aubrey, and as her girlfriend, Chloe was priority number one.

Aubrey knocked on Beca’s door and called out her name. It opened little more than a second later, and Aubrey’s arms were full of a trembling Beca.

“Beca?” Aubrey asked quietly. “What’s wrong?”

There was no response from Beca. She wasn’t going to release Aubrey even if her life depended on it. Beca had been having an extremely hard day. It was the anniversary of her mother’s death and she was having a hard time dealing. She’d done her best during rehearsal that evening to hold herself together, but the minute she was alone in her dorm room, it had all come crashing down on her. The loneliness, the doubt, the anxiety. It all hit with the force of a semi-truck.

Aubrey, sensing that it would be some time before Beca calmed enough to be responsive, walked the girl backwards until they could close her dorm room door, and then lifted the girl up onto her bed and climbed up beside her. She curled into Aubrey’s side like she was trying to disappear. Chloe was watching it all with pain in her eyes, but she realized it was the pain of jealousy. It was pain caused by seeing someone you care about in pain. The realization caused something to click in Chloe and she understood Aubrey’s concern for the girl. Even if there were feelings involved, being there for Beca was about just that—being there for a girl who didn’t really have anyone else.

Chloe hopped up onto the bed next to Beca and scooted as close as she could get before dropping a kiss onto Beca’s shoulder. They sat like that for half an hour before Beca stopped shaking and her breath evened out. Aubrey thought she must have fallen asleep until Beca sat up and jumped down off the bed to grab her phone. She tapped out a quick message and both Chloe and Aubrey pulled their phones out when they heard separate dings.

I guess I owe you guys an explanation huh? Beca couldn’t even look at them. She was staring at the floor.

“Sweetheart, you don’t owe us anything,” Chloe was the first to talk. “If you’re upset, we’ll be here for you, no strings attached, no explanations required.”

Beca went to respond, but Aubrey leaned forward and put her hand over the screen after sensing the response she was about to get from Beca. “She’s right, Becs,” Aubrey said. “You don’t owe us anything. We are here because we both care about you—so much,” she added. Aubrey linked eyes with Chloe and at that moment all the confusion they had regarding Beca cleared away, and Aubrey knew they had an understanding about the role Beca held in their life. They would need to talk about it soon, but that didn’t matter right now. What mattered right now was making sure that Beca was okay.

“But,” Aubrey continued. “If you want to talk about it, we will listen.”

Beca watched the two girls in front of her. They were having a silent conversation, and something happened between them because Beca watched the clarity that swept across Chloe’s face. It almost felt like the sunshine coming out after rain, and Beca had realized how closed off Chloe had become recently around her. Beca hesitantly reached out and grabbed Chloe’s hand to squeeze it for assurance. Surprised, Chloe met Beca’s eyes then glanced down at their joined hands. Beca had never initiated before. Beca turned her eyes to Aubrey’s and took a deep breath trying to quell the storm in her stomach. It was almost like Chloe was lending her strength, because Beca could feel her voice, ready and pushing to be free. Feeling compelled to speak was a strange feeling for Beca, one she hadn’t felt since her mother was alive.

Beca swallowed heavily. “M-my mom d-died t-today,” she stuttered and pushed her gaze to the floor feeling a blush creep up her neck. Aubrey felt like the wind was knocked out of her at the sound of Beca’s voice. Chloe, still holding Beca’s hand, pulled the girl into a crushing hug and sighed into her shoulder. She didn’t know what to say to the younger woman. She didn’t feel like it really mattered what she would say anyway. It’s not like she knew what Beca was going through. She was so overjoyed at hearing Beca speak that anything she managed to say would probably be inappropriate anyway.

Aubrey made eye contact with Beca over Chloe’s shoulder. “Thank you,” she said. “For telling us. I know how hard it must have been to share with us.”

Beca knew she wasn’t just talking about her mother, but she just nodded. The compulsion she felt to speak had waned after her utterance, and now she was left to speak silently again.

“Chloe,” Aubrey said sternly. When she didn’t get a response, she tapped her girlfriend on her head. “Let go of the poor girl, she probably needs to breathe.”

With a quiet laugh, Chloe released Beca and leaned back. There were tears in her eyes and she wiped at them quickly. “Sorry.” She smiled. “I’m a crier.”

“Somehow, I don’t think she’s surprised,” Aubrey said smiling at Beca who shook her head and tentatively returned the smile.

“Are you okay?” Aubrey asked watching the maelstrom of emotions that was swirling behind Beca’s eyes.

I think so. The response popped up on Aubrey and Chloe’s phones.

“Do you want us to stay?” Chloe asked. She could see the hesitation in Beca’s eyes. “We would like to stay anyway. We would be too worried to go home now…”

The admission seemed to surprise Beca, but she didn’t question it after seeing the sincerity in Chloe’s eyes and the barely-there nod from Aubrey.

Beca grabbed her laptop and shuffled back onto the bed. She tried to sit beside Chloe to avoid being between the couple, but Chloe promptly pulled Beca over her lap and back between her and Aubrey. Beca flushed a little bit, but didn’t argue. She opened the laptop and pulled up her Netflix account before typing into a note on the side of the screen asking what they wanted to watch. They spent the night huddled together on the twin-sized bed watching some reality tv show that Aubrey and Chloe insisted that Beca needed to see. At around midnight, both girls noticed that Beca seemed to have passed out between them, leaning heavily against Chloe, leaving them to stew in their thoughts together.

“What do you think this means?” Chloe was the first to break the silence. Aubrey just looked at her waiting for her to continue. “I mean, she spoke today Bree! That’s got to mean something right?”

“I think she trusts us,” Aubrey said quietly as she examined Beca’s face. The brunette was peaceful right now. There were no worry lines or smirks, she was just relaxed. Chloe nodded, another question on the tip of her tongue.

“What does this mean for us?” Chloe’s eyes avoided Aubrey’s, instead choosing to exam one of Kimmy Jin’s posters on the far wall. When Aubrey didn’t answer, she returned her gaze to the blonde and raised an eyebrow. Aubrey’s face was soft as she looked at Beca. Chloe could clearly see the love in her eyes, but this time she didn’t feel jealous.

“It doesn’t mean anything if you don’t want it to,” Aubrey said locking her gaze onto Chloe’s.

Chloe sighed. That didn’t really help her figure out what was going on. “You’re going to fall in love with her, Bree.”

“I already love you,” she said without missing a beat. “What about you? I’ve seen how you look at her Chlo. You get all gooey, just like you do with me.”

“I don’t know,” Chloe said. She passed a hand through Beca’s hair, and the girl hummed in her sleep causing both women to smile. They met eyes over her head and Chloe nodded. “I guess yeah, I could see myself falling for her. But she doesn’t need me the way she needs you.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Aubrey said gesturing to Beca’s hand which had fisted Chloe’s t-shirt. In fact, Beca was only a limb movement or two away from full on koala hugging Chloe, and it made Aubrey laugh.

“So, what do we do?” Chloe asked as she laid her hand over Beca’s on her stomach. “I love you Aubrey. Nothing, no one, is ever going to change that. I’ve always planned on marrying you and spending the rest of our lives together.”

Aubrey smiled and leaned over Beca to press a kiss to Chloe’s forehead. “Nothing is going to change that,” Aubrey agreed.

“Are we willing to go for it then?” Chloe asked.

“Maybe we should clarify what you mean by go for it first?” Aubrey said, ever the thinker.

“Like, do we tell Beca that we’re sorta falling in love with her?” Chloe clarified.

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” Aubrey said. Her eyes were cast down and her shoulders sank as she said it. “Every time you looked at me like I was betraying you for Beca, killed me a little. I never meant to. I just have this feeling,” Aubrey said and paused. “It’s like—”

“You want to protect her,” Chloe finished. “You care about her Aubrey. It’s okay. I care about her too… I think we should just do it.”

Aubrey looked at her, not quite sure if Chloe was serious.

“I don’t want to live my life wondering Bree,” Chloe said. “If this could be something, I want to know it. And then, if it doesn’t work, we will still have each other.”

Aubrey nodded. “Okay..”

“Really?” Chloe’s face broke out into a grin and she had to keep from squealing quietly, afraid of waking the sleeping Bella. Aubrey nodded again with a smile. Chloe’s own was infectious.

The two women did their best to readjust themselves so that they all could sleep laying down on Beca’s single bed. At this point, there was no way they were leaving the younger woman alone—not that Beca would let them. The second Chloe had tried to move, Beca’s other hand caught her shirt in an equally tight grip. It was honestly the cutest thing either of them had ever seen. But it made things a little more difficult for Chloe to lay down. She took it in stride though. Eventually she was able to maneuver herself and Beca around so that she could lay straight back pull Beca onto her chest leaving enough room for Aubrey to sleep beside them. Neither of them even thought to wonder where Beca’s roommate was.

The next morning Beca woke sweating from the amount of heat surrounding her. She tried to sit up only to be caught by an arm pulling her back down. Aubrey it seemed had pulled Beca off of Chloe in her sleep and now the three were spooning with Beca in the middle. Aubrey mumbled something about it being too early and Beca glanced behind her to see that her alarm clock read 9AM.

She groaned. Her dad was going to kill her for missing class again, but the thought was soon forgotten when Aubrey pulled Beca even tighter against her and laid a sleepy kiss on her forehead. Beca blushed brightly and was thankful that neither girl was awake to witness her struggle.

After a couple more minutes of trying to escape Aubrey’s grasp, Beca gave up and settled in to wait until the girls work up. Chloe was the first one to stir about twenty minutes later. She turned in her sleep to see Beca pouting slightly at her and she had to keep from laughing at her.

“Aubrey has a death grip in the morning,” Chloe whispered. Beca rolled her eyes like that was the most obvious thing Chloe had ever said. Aubrey moved slightly in her sleep and Beca’s eyes went wide as she glanced down slightly. This time Chloe really did laugh. Aubrey had managed to slip her hand under Beca’s shirt and was resting against her stomach, just over her belly button.

“Alright Aubrey,” Chloe finally said, full volume. “Time to let poor Beca go. You’re going to give her an aneurism if you keep this up.”

Aubrey’s mouth formed a smile as she opened her eyes. She’d been awake most of the last ten or so minutes having woken during Beca’s last attempt to get away. “Sorry,” she whispered. Beca shot her a glare. Aubrey wasn’t sorry at all and grinned.

Aubrey released Beca, despite wanting to lay there forever, and sat up to run her hands through her hair. Beca jumped around Aubrey and off of the bed. She grabbed her phone before stumbling out of the room. Chloe raised her eyebrows after Beca, but turned her attention to her phone when she heard it ping.

Had to pee.

Chloe laughed. “She’ll be right back.”

“Remind me not to sleep in jeans again,” Aubrey said as she slid off the bed. Lines dented the skin across her stomach and she rubbed them with a frown.

A minute or so later Beca stepped back into the room with a small smile on her face. She scratched the back of her head before looking up at the two women who had spent the night in her bed.

Sorry you guys had to sleep on my tiny bed.

“No problem, Becs,” Chloe said practically bouncing on the mattress. “We wanted to be here.”

“Actually,” Aubrey said, eyeing Chloe on the bed and the way Beca seemed particularly fascinated with the floor. “We kind of want to talk to you.”

Terror flashed across Beca’s face and she started to type a message onto her phone. Aubrey let her finish and glanced at it before facing Beca.

“It’s nothing bad,” Aubrey said and reached out to grab her hand. “I promise. In fact, hopefully, it’ll be something pretty great.”

Beca raised an eyebrow first at Aubrey and then to Chloe, hoping she would explain.

“It’s good,” Chloe said reaching out to grab Beca’s hands from Aubrey’s. Beca nodded slowly, allowing Chloe to pull her up onto the bed. Aubrey grabbed her desk chair and pushed in front of Beca before taking a seat.

Aubrey cleared her throat and clasped her hands in front of herself. “Chloe and I,” she said glancing over to her girlfriend. “Realized something yesterday, or last night rather. We know this may seem like a shock, but you’ve come to mean a lot to us in the last three weeks.”

“Like a lot, a lot,” Chloe added. Aubrey smirked because she knew the redhead was trying so hard to keep herself from bouncing next to Beca. Then she nodded and returned to Beca’s gaze.

“You know we’re together,” Aubrey stated and Beca nodded her head. Her eyes narrowed slightly. “You’re pretty much the only person who does know,” Aubrey added. “And we were wondering how you feel about us?” Each word Aubrey spoke was long and drawn out and Chloe almost felt the need to smack the back of her head to shake the words out.

Beca tilted her head back with a sigh. She hoped they would never bring this up. She was embarrassed. She shouldn’t have feelings for one woman in a relationship, let alone two.

“Becs, just be honest with us,” Chloe said tipping Beca’s head down to meet her eyes. After a second of eye contact with Chloe, Beca reached for her phone and typed out a haste message.

I’m sorry. I never meant to feel anything for either of you. I mean, I barely know you. What kind of crazy person falls for two women in a relationship with each other?

Aubrey quirked her lips as she read the message. This could work. They had a chance. “Beca,” Aubrey said. “We don’t want you to feel guilty about anything. We wanted to know because we genuinely care about you.”

“Like, care, about you,” Chloe tried to clarify, but only succeeded in making Beca more confused.

“What she means to say,” Aubrey said after sending a sharp look Chloe’s way. “Is that we both have feelings for you—romantic feelings.”

Beca let out a heavy breath and her eyes widened as she looked at Aubrey. She wasn’t serious right? Like, that wasn’t a thing—that couldn’t be a thing could it? She breathed deeply trying to calm her over-excited heart. She could hear the blood rushing in her ears and she almost felt a little faint, but then Aubrey was there in front of her holding Beca’s hand to her chest and she felt her breaths slowing down. She gave an apologetic grimace to Aubrey as she pulled away.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Aubrey said. “We did kind of just spring this on you with no warning. We’ve had a little time to get used to the idea.”

What does it even mean if you BOTH have feelings for me? Beca typed.

“Well,” Chloe said, taking the lead and speaking a little clearer this time. “We were hoping you might like to try dating us.”

“Both of us,” Aubrey added point between them. “But we would still be dating each other as well.”

Like a three-way.

Chloe smirked and opened her mouth to say what Aubrey anticipated as a lewd comment so jumped in ahead of her.

“Yes,” she explained. “We would all be dating each other. We would make up ground rules and communicate to make sure that no one feels left out or jealous, of course.”

“We don’t want to pressure you,” Aubrey continued. “If you need time to think about it, we understand.”

Beca nodded her head. I don’t think I need time.

“Oh…” Aubrey said. Disappointment marred her facial expression as she assumed the worst.

Ask me again.

“What?” Aubrey said, staring at her phone.

Ask me again. She repeated.

“Beca,” Chloe said hopefully, catching Beca’s blue eyes with her own. “Will you be ours?”

“Okay,” she said.

#pitch perfect #triple treble

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faithfully-limping · 4 years

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hello world

So, I figured I should make an intro post, and talk about why I’m here :)

I’m Ian or Casey, a Christian who also happens to be a pansexual trans man. I am a student earning my Associates in CIT, specifically Programming. I love hiking and nature, reading, art, and food. Like many, I was raised in a conservative fundamentalist evangelical Christian household and environment. My family is non-denominational and went to many, many different churches with different beliefs through the years.

As a result, despite having what I see as loving parents, I received a lot of unhealthy and confusing theology growing up that is hard to shake. The most notable of which, of course, is that queer people will all suffer in Hell for all of eternity.

I was a fundamentalist and a homophobe doing evangelicalism for the majority of my young life. I told people in McDonalds and other various public places that Jesus would save them at age ten. I was sheltered; I figured queer people were only a thing in dark corners and hidden, shady places full of depraved people and criminals. If they existed at all.

Then, more and more friends I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing as “evil” began to come out to me. I lost a loved one, and experienced the near-suicide of another loved one, right around the time I began to have feelings for my same-sex best friend. For two years I prayed for God to take those feelings away, and received what I thought was silence.

My conclusion?

There must be no loving, intelligent higher power. Surely they must have heard my desperate cries if they were there.

For years, then, all throughout high school and early college, I was in limbo and struggling. I had absolutely no direction in my life and very little love for myself or others. Sure, I discovered I was queer, and took on what I’m sure is a familiar attitude of pride- I was born this way and fuck anyone who says otherwise, you know? If I burn in some god’s underworld, fine, because it’s not like I can change who I am. I tried that. Later on, when I began to deal with the pain of rejection and queerphobia in more mature ways, I tried other beliefs, other religions, other practices. I love them all, and I believe they all have their parts to play in others’ lives, just as they did in mine, but I could not escape a different call.

I constantly worried about Hell, about life after death, and most compellingly, a higher purpose. I’d had a messy coming out to my family, a horrible relationship and breakup, pain was coming in at all sides. I had dropped out of college twice, lost a job, and ended up doing what I thought at the time was nothing. I now see it was recovery.

I felt pretty awful about myself, still living with my parents, bringing in very little money selling products online, finding very little joy in my day to day life. I’d once loved art, nature, animals, reading. I couldn’t muster up the energy to do those things anymore. I tried escaping through food, through Netflix, through gaming. I then tried self improvement, business, and art. I tried going back to school.

There was always something missing.

In fall of 2019, a family member lost a job, and decided to pursue some much-needed disability. Our household income, which was six figures, was halved. In an attempt to lower our rent and bills, we started looking for a house to buy and own. It sounded crazy, but for a month we searched and got no results. Nothing was in our price range and safe and big enough for a family of four.

One day, I witnessed my dad praying in his truck.

The very same day, we got our dream home (a fenced in yard, a fireplace, a quiet neighborhood), the house we are currently living in, for a price lower than what we expected to pay.

This event came off the back of several points of pain and stress in my life- facing the reality of death and worrying about that. Returning to school. Family health issues. Then, a miracle providing for us.

I couldn’t ignore God calling me any longer.

But, I was still queer. I’d already tried suppressing and ignoring that, I’d tried praying it away. I’d tried ignoring faith. I’d even tried integrating the two before, but got so hung up and distressed about the Side A vs Side B debate at the time, that I just couldn’t bear to face faith and sexuality together. I went back into limbo.

Why was this time different?

Maybe it was because that was when I discovered Queer Theology. It certainly was a big part of it. Maybe it was because a friend had bought me The Screwtape Letters just months before. Maybe it was because my brush with self improvement as the center of my life had taught me to weigh things more maturely, to stay emotionally centered, and to seek to be virtuous and contribute something to the world. Or maybe it was because I discovered Ask A Mortician that one day, or saw I Can Only Imagine in theaters with my family on the best vacation of my life a few years prior. Maybe it was the journaling Bible my mother gifted me as a surprise (a genuine surprise- I was a Pagan at the time) on my 21st Easter. Or, or, or...

Do you see what I’m getting at with that paragraph? Maybe it wasn’t just one thing. Maybe everything, everything in my life has connected in an intensely miraculous and complex way to lead me to that decision to ask God to come back into my life.

Everything. Every movie, book, video, game, person, bite of food, sight of nature... All of it shaped me into this person who is able to say today that I am queer, I am loved by God, and I love him back. I don’t have all the answers yet of what my life should look like, how I should live this love, but I want to build my relationship with my Lord. I have returned to prayer, I am learning to appreciate and embrace the depth and beauty of the Bible in new ways. I have been journaling, but I guess in typing all this out and posting it, I’m finally strong enough to seek out one of the pieces I am missing; community. Putting myself out there is terrifying, and I still have a lot of spiritual baggage to work through, but I’m here.

And I see now that God’s silence in response to my attempts to “pray the gay away” was an answer.

It was a “No.”

It was a “My grace, my mercy, my love is enough.”

It was a “Have faith in me.”

#queer christian #first post #intro #hell #religion #homophobia #long post

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kiraziwrites · 4 years

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Yuletide 2020 Letter

Dear Yuletide Writer,

Thank you in advance! The below is meant as as fodder for inspiration, not as a strict template. I hope there’s something in here that sparks your interest, but feel free to ignore the specific prompts entirely as long you avoid the DNWs. Note: for my Queen’s Thief and Locked Tomb requests, I listed four characters on the official signup, but it’s totally okay if you don’t include all four (some of these prompts focus on 2 out of 4; the others could be secondary, just mentioned, or not appear at all).

These are a few of my favorite things: missing scenes, reflective moments, romantic interludes, epilogues and aftermaths, porn with feelings. I love found families, thoughtful exploration of power dynamics (smutty or otherwise) between characters, battle couples, intrigue and adventure, extensions of canon worldbuilding, strong platonic relationships in addition to the main ships, and stories that explore queerness and gender nonconformity. I strongly prefer canon-consistent or canon-adjacent stories. Any rating from gen to E is welcome, and mild-to-moderate kink is fine. Angst is great as long as there’s a happy ending, hurt/comfort is more than okay as long as the hurt isn’t on the DNW list, and soft moments, fluff, and humor are also welcome. Crackfic and kidfic are not usually my jam, but kidfic is okay as long as it’s canon-appropriate.

Do-not-wants: noncon/sexual assault, torture or extreme violence beyond a canon-typical degree*, A/B/O, magical creature (ie vampire, werewolf etc) AUs, dom/sub universes where those are innate/fixed/biological roles, and major character deaths that aren’t present in canon. I’d also like to avoid AUs in wildly different settings (modern, coffeeshop, highschool etc), although canon-divergence AUs are fine.

*obviously, if you’re writing for Locked Tomb, that’s a pretty high degree, so violence and gore in keeping with the books is fine!

Queen’s Thief:

Characters: pretty much every main/POV character throughout the whole series—I just want to spend more time with all of them and in this world. I’d particularly love stories that build on or add to all the revelations in Return of the Thief, so post-canon narratives or stories that revisit earlier events that now appear in a new light, etc. I’d love shippy fic for basically any canon pairings—Gen/Irene, Helen/Sophos, Costis/Kamet (as lovers or homoromantic bros), even the secondary pairing we found out about in RoTT.

Specific prompts: I’m keen on further glimpses into Gen and Irene’s marriage at any point (including wedding night fics, or a more detailed version of the Atté Atté scene!) I’d also love a look at the four monarchs navigating the emotional aftermath of RoTT and the changes to their families. But I’d also be delighted with a story about Sophos and Helen navigating their dual sovereignties, or Costis and Kamet’s perspectives on events in RoTT, or Pheris continuing to grow up and pursue his profession and observe the court. (I’m being a little coy with details because some people who follow me here are still reading the final book and I don’t want to spoil them, but hopefully you get my vibe.) Pick whatever about this series makes your heart sing.

The Locked Tomb:

The characters I prompted are Gideon, Harrow, Camilla, and Palamedes, and I am happy to read just about anything you want to write about them. I would love missing scenes from both books, pre-canon flashbacks, further glimpses at the Sixth House and Camilla and Palamedes’s history (as in the short story “The Mysterious Study of Doctor Sex”), speculative glimpses into what happens right after the end of Harrow the Ninth, and all kinds of Gideon/Harrow content, the gayer the better. I have a soft spot for Gideon POV because I love her character voice, but I’d also love Harrow’s perspective on Gideon’s re-emergence.

Some specific prompts: Gideon is awake in Harrow’s head at some point while Harrow is also aware, and they have their first time (sort of) while sharing a body. A bodyswap scenario in the aftermath of Harrow the Ninth, where Gideon’s still in Harrow’s body, but Harrow somehow ends up in Gideon’s resurrected one, and hijinks (or smut) ensue. Camilla manages to extract Palamedes from the skull fragment and all four of them meet up in a River bubble to talk strategy about how to attack and dethrone God (and have messy feelings all over one another). A look at Camilla and Palamedes’s perspective on Gideon and Harrow during the events in Canaan House.

Wimseyfic:

Give me stories about Harriet and Peter navigating their relationship. Casefics are welcome, but it’s the relationship dynamic I’m really here for, and I’m particularly interested in seeing them at any stage from when they finally get together in Gaudy Night through the engagement and their first year of marriage. Bonus: I’d also love it if Harriet’s relationships with other women, particularly her London friendships, come into play (if you want to explicitly make Sylvia/Eiluned a couple, that would be awesome—they weren’t on the list of requestable characters, but I’d be happy to see them make a cameo here if that appeals to you!) Also, I’m agnostic on the subject of whether or not you treat Thrones, Dominations as canon.

Some specific prompts: the immediate aftermath of the end of Busman’s Honeymoon—how they regroup and take care of each other after that moment of intense catharsis. The first time Harriet meets up with Sylvia and Eiluned as a married woman, and the conversations about relationships and gender that might ensue. Epistolary fic during the engagement, in which they work out the terms of the marriage. Whatever happened during that night of kissing in a punt. The “'interesting revelations of the marriage-bed.”

Swordspoint:

Richard and Alec, please, in just about any time period or setting—from their early days in Riverside to Richard’s exile in the country to their later years on the island with the bees and thyme and sunshine. If it’s earlier, I’d love to see some hints of their Riverside social world, and if it’s later, cameos from Diane, Katherine, and other characters are fine, but not necessary. I particularly love explorations of how Alec and Richard complement and take care of each another. I’m also very open to kinky content for this pairing.

Specific prompts: Alec encounters his former friends and students from the university some time shortly after the events of Swordspoint, and Richard deals with the fallout. Alec and Richard being gay and doing crimes (or solving crimes, or both) during the Riverside years. One of Alec’s visits to see Richard after he leaves the city. Their voyage to the island after The Privilege of the Sword. Alec and Richard have a threesome with any age-appropriate consenting partner of your choice. Alec watches Richard train or fight and gets predictably horny about it, with the obvious results.

#yuletide 2020 #coming back for more

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taurnachardhin · 5 years

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frustrating family feelings rant below:

My mom.....she's been "supportive" of me ever since I came out as bi to her a few years ago, but she and my dad are pretty progressive politically so it's not like I grew up in a household where I was raised to believe homosexuality was a sin or anything like that. Both of my parents have close gay friends. But my mom did raise me very heteronormatively where I was taught that it was ok for other people to be queer but never presented it as an option for me personally. (In spite of the fact that I didn't date at all until I was 25, and was a very tomboyish child who went through a whole cargo shorts phase in high school, like mom, did you not see this coming?) But in spite of the signs, I think my mom was kind of in denial about it the same way she definitely should have realized I also had depression and ADHD as a kid but just didn't want to see it because she comes from this very conventional middle class, keeping-up-appearances kind of background where she didn't want there to be anything wrong or weird about me because she doesn't want me to get hurt, but also because I think deep down she's afraid it will reflect poorly on her. For a long while after I came out to her, it felt like she would only voluntarily bring up queer stuff if it was something that was bad news, like that's always what caught her attention, and she'd tell me about a study that worried her that said LGBT youth are more likely to smoke (as if I, who watched 3/4 grandparents die of lung disease, could even be paid to touch a cigarette), or after the Pulse shooting she told me she hoped I wasn't going to any Pride events and that I would be careful, and like I get it, she's doing the mom-catastrophizing thing where all she sees is danger, but it really hurt me because I've been lucky enough to never face any direct discrimination for my orientation and honestly when I finally started owning the truth of my bi-ness five years ago, it was kind of the one good thing happening in my life. But it felt like my mom would never see it as something good for me.

She got better at it eventually and started sharing more positive stuff, and when I actually had a girlfriend for a hot second last year, she was genuinely excited about it. But never fully got over this attitude that it was all something to be fearful about. Like this was a while earlier, but a very typical example of the kinds of things she says: after The Force Awakens came out back in 2015, I was home for Christmas and chatting about it with my parents, and my mom said something about how she wished they hadn't made Finn and Rey a romantic pairing and I (somewhat joking, but also not really) said, "I mean, did they? I honestly thought Finn had a more romantic storyline with Poe." And my mom just immediately said, "Well. THAT'S not something we can discuss when my family's here tomorrow," as if that had any relevance to the conversation. And I was just thinking like, what the hell do you think would happen if we did? My grandmother and stepgrandfather had just been to see Fun Home on Broadway. My aunt's best friend is a gay guy. My uncle is the most religiously conservative of the group and he might be a little more uptight, but again, his wife's best friend is gay so it can't bother him THAT much. Like yes, my mom's side of the family are mostly Republicans, but they're not the kind who are going to disown you for having a bi daughter who thinks two fictional men should kiss. What are you so afraid of? And if you're telling me not to talk about queer stuff in front of your family just because it might ruffle your brother-in-law's feathers, how am I supposed to take that, that you wouldn't be on my side if it happened? It's just little stuff like that that comes through sometimes, in these moments of panic she gets.

Today, (she's a kindergarten teacher) she told me that she wanted my "opinion" on how she'd handled an argument two of her students were having. A boy and a girl came up to her and the girl said, "Girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys, my parents said so." And the boy countered that HIS parents said they couldn't, and they wanted to know who was right. And she was like, "I always worry in situations like this that I might make the parents mad if it gets back to them, so I just told them they were way too young to be thinking about marriage and changed the subject." And I was very calm and gentle about how I answered, but I was like, "Mom. Girls can in fact marry girls now. It's legal. It's ok for you to tell them the girl was right, because it's the truth. They weren't asking you a moral question, they were asking you a factual one. You couldn't possibly have gotten in trouble for answering it accurately." And she was like, "Oh, I guess you're right. That was just what came to me in my panic." And like yeah, clearly. But then I also told her it seemed a bit disingenuous to tell them they weren't supposed to think about marriage, because of course little kids think about marriage! It's a totally normal part of human lives they can see all around them and are naturally curious about. They're also interested in like, jobs, but we never tell kids they aren't supposed to think about what they want to do when they're grown up just because it's not a decision they're actually ready to make. And I didn't even bring this up, though I wish I'd thought to, but when I was in kindergarten, my best friend was a boy, and he and I would talk about how we were going to get married when we grew up. And my mom, of course! thought THAT was adorable and she still tells that story all the time. Damn hypocrite.

I'm glad I helped her realize she didn't maybe say the right thing, and I guess I appreciate that she does at least ask me about this stuff because it shows she's trying to learn, but every time it throws me into a funk over it, because it's just like a reminder that she still views my orientation not just as a problem, but a problem for HER. She doesn't want anyone to be angry at her for expressing a controversial opinion. She doesn't want to lose her job for publicly expressing support for gay marriage, as if that's a thing that would even happen to a straight, white, married suburban woman in 2019. And I just wanna be like, mom, what the hell do you plan to do if I do, in fact, marry a girl, as is my legal right? Will you lie to your coworkers and students? Will you give me dire warnings that some of my relatives might not want to come to the wedding? That part in Nanette where she talks about what happens when you soak one child in shame and give permission to another to hate....I wish I could make her see that that's what she's doing every time she "changes the subject." But I also understand that like Hannah Gadsby's mom, mine just wanted me to change because she knew the world wouldn't. But that's the thing though, right? Is the world did change. Not enough, not yet, but public opinion on gay issues is very very different now than it was when I was a child. I wish my mom could see that, and I wish she could see how much it hurts me that she doesn't. I'd love to tell her to watch Nanette, but I know it'll just make her feel bad, and then she'll still be making it about her feelings. And then the only part she'll actually remember is all the bad things that happened to Hannah and she'll take away that she's right to be afraid for me and it'll probably just make everything worse.

You know who did watch Nanette? My dad. I told him he should watch it after he went through a whole Netflix comedy specials phase, and he did and he loved it. During the 2018 election, he canvassed for a political candidate for the first time in his life, a Democrat running for the state house, and when he knocked on doors in their neighborhood, he told all his Republican neighbors that he had LGBT people in his family and among his students (he's also a teacher), and that he was afraid for us if Kemp won the governor's race and Republicans kept control of the state house, because Kemp had promised to sign an anti-LGBT "religious freedom" bill. See, my dad is also afraid for me. But he takes his fear and feeds it courage, while my mom just feeds it with more fear.

I know I’m very fortunate that this is the extent of the conflict I have with my parents over my orientation. My ex’s mom evidently was really upset when she came out to her, but later got over it and now they’re those “my mom is actually my best friend!” kind of people (lord, what’s that like??), and when she told me that, it made me feel petty for resenting my mom’s occasional well-meaning microaggressions, when she could overlook her mom reacting so much worse. But like, pain is pain, I guess. I do forgive my mom for her ignorance and fear, largely because I know that her denial about me and my mental health issues is nothing compared to her own denial of her own anxiety, so I appreciate that this is tough for her in ways she can’t entirely control. And I know I really need to actually tell my mom how I feel about all this at some point instead of just ranting into the tumblr void, and I keep trying to compose that speech in a way that will make her actually listen and not just get all mad and resentful the way she sometimes does when I confront her about something. But for now it’s just tumblr rant, so here we are. Thanks for listening, yikes.

#personal junk box #this post will self-destruct most likely

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beaulesbian · 6 years

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I decided to finally make a part two of this post, it took me half a year longer than I anticipated, but I rushed to finish it at least for June.

🏳️‍🌈 Happy pride month! 🏳️‍🌈

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley – The best kind of subtle romance I have ever read. Includes mysterious pocket watch, solving bomb threats in Victorian London, a lady scientist, changing of future based on occurring events, an adorable clockwork octopus, and so much more! Did I mention the best, most beautiful romance I didn’t even expect to get?? Read it! (mlm main characters)

All out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages by multiple authors, edited by Saundra Mitchell – This book was so refreshing to read!!! Retellings of fairy tales but queer and poc and mostly happy. I enjoyed each of the short story so so much, I don’t have words to say how much I loved this book, just, can we please have more stories like that? Thank you.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman – Ever wanted a book with a main character boy and girl who won’t end up together by the end of the book? Then this is a book for you. Frances and Aled do not only become best friends who won’t end up together, but there’s even more diverse characters than these two main ones. This book even has an ace (demi) sexual representation, which I was very excited about, and the main character is biracial bisexual girl. There is lot of fandom talk and a radio show drama (kind of similar to Welcome to Night Vale). But also talks about other important topics like deciding that college might not be for everyone despite them being a great student in high school.

Not Your Sidekick by C.B. Lee – It’s a cute and sweet superhero themed futuristic story, first book of a trilogy I think. The main character is Vietnamese American bisexual girl, Jessika Tran, whose parents are both superheroes, but she doesn’t have any powers. She starts working for a company she later discovers belongs to town’s villains, but with time she learns that not everything about superheroes and villains is perfectly black and white. Also she’s working there with her crush, so that’s a bonus. It’s a really great book, there’s wlw romance and lot of diversity, action and silly scenes. The history behind the people’s superpowers and worldbuilding was really interesting too. The sequel is also already out, featuring a poc trans boy as the main character, who is part of Jessika‘s friend squad.

The Gentleman‘s guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee – A book everyone here should read!! A historical roadtrip with lot of angst, fluff and mutual pining of two of the main characters. It takes place in 18th century Europe. Monty is kind of an asshole, some moments you will hate him then you will love him, but as the journey progresses so does he. He travels with his sister, Felicity, and his best friend (and crush!) Percy, to visit few cities in Europe before he has to start work in his fathers company. This book addressed lot of issues, like white privilege and racism in that time period, sexism and ableism. But it’s also an adventurous book that’s funny and charming, and makes you feel really happy one moment and sad the next. There are also pirates!

Dreadnought by April Daniels – This is a first book of a duology about a lesbian trans girl Danny who receives superpowers after witnessing death of the superhero Dreadnought, which means she now has to become the new Dreadnought. But with the powers also becames real the ideal vision of her body, that she always wanted. She is very happy about it, but it also means she has to face her family and best friend and explain why she looks different. On top of that she has to help the other superheroes with stopping the new threat to the city, the villain who killed previous Dreadnought. Trigger warnings for transphobia, but it’s really worth to read.

Mask of Shadows by Linsey Miller – I’ve seen mixed reviews of this book but personally I loved it. It’s a fantasy YA with lgbt protagonist, that I don’t have enough of. Sal is a genderfluid, also bi? pan? thief who enters a competition to become one of Queen’s Assassins. Basically the last one standing (or rather living) takes the place. Sal knows how to fight and survive but also needs to learn other things to win this position. Like taking classes of writing/reading which teaches him a lady of court they previously stole something from, whom Sal quickly starts to like more than they should, with the competition at play. For me it was a really great book to read and I can’t wait to read the sequel!

The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli – I had to read this one quickly before Leah on the offbeat came out, and it was a joy to read this one too! Again so much representation, I love Becky’s books and the Simon vs world. This story is about Molly who has had a lot of crushes but never actually dated anyone. She’s jewish, has anxiety, is fat, loves her family, is very creative, and has another crush on a guy who is her coworker. There’s so much cuteness in this book, I was smiling and crying the whole time reading it. More for representation: her sister is gay, she has two moms, a new Korean-American pansexual friend (who her sister totally likes) and more. I need to meantion trigger warnings for fatphobia, because of part there with her relative, it made me cry so much, it was very reletable and I hated it but there was very good closure for it in the end, which I’m happy about. Anyway read this book, overall it’s a cute and happy book with lots of fluff!

Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli – I loved Leah from the Simon vs book, so I was really happy we got more focus on her. She’s fat and funny, unapologetic about who she is, in her words: “basically your resident fat Slytherin Rory Gilmore”. There was mentions she likes boys as well as girls. Because of a tour for her college she goes with Abby to see where she will live the next few years and stuff happens. And then there’s also their high school prom, which she thought she was ready for, but maybe she’s not ready for at all. I’m not even going to write more, it’s an amazing book, I cried so many times.

Timekeeper by Tara Sim – This story takes place in a Victorian era Britain where clock towers are needed for time to flow correctly. Therefore there is lot of mechanics who repair said clock towers, because if the clock stops, the town around it stops in time as well. The main character Danny is one of those mechanics in London, but his father is trapped in a town that Stopped and Danny needs to find a way to save him. But after someone tries to sabotage a clock tower in a small city, Danny is assigned in that town to fix it, and he eventually finds out that the myths he heard – that in clock towers could sometimes be seen beings, spirits of the towers – might actually be true. This book was so nice to read, there was the atmosphere of the Victorian era, mystery, cute mlm romance and awesome female characters.

I’ll give you the sun by Jandy Nelson – I cried a lot reading this book. At first it actually took me few months to read past first two chapters, because the writing style was so different from what I was used to, but after that I got absorbed in it very quickly. It’s a story about two siblings, Noah and Jude Sweetwine, who both go through some difficult times, with family, school and personal stuff, it’s about making mistakes and fixing mistakes. It’s about love, art, sibling struggles and growing up.

Other books that I read and loved and definitely recommend:

Of Fire and Stars - Audrey Coulthurst (f/f fantasy romance)

We are the Ants – Shaun David Hutchinson (m/m)

In Other Lands - Sarah Rees Brennan (bi mc, m/m)

Release – Patrick Ness (m/m)

Our dark duet – V.E. Schwab (sequel of duology, agender character, not much romance at all in this duology, it‘s one of my favourites)

A Conjuring of Light – V.E. Schwab (a beautiful fantasy, last book of trilogy, happy ending for m/m pairing whose each story is important throughout the whole series. Again, one of my favourite series)

Magnus Chase and the Ship of Dead - Rick Riordan (I don‘t want to spoil here but it‘s good, genderfluid representation since book two, more in this final book)

Ice crypt - Tiana Warner (sequel of the Ice Massacre, wlw romance between mermaid and human girl, who knew each other since childhood, there is third final book, Ice Kingdom, already out, but I still haven‘t read it..)

Happy reading!

(tagging few people who i think might enjoy it ♥♥: @eradne, @poefinn, @twomillionfreckles, @eliotcoldwater, @queen-max, @tsukiyam-a)

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theleadingfraeulein · 5 years

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Practical Ways to Make Lindy Hop Welcoming for LGBT+ Dancers

taken from Mary Blendermans Blog

(Note: In this post I will use LGBT+, a shortened acronym, to refer to the LGBTQQIAP+ community. As someone who falls under the G, the Q, and the A, it is important to me to acknowledge that there are more letters in our beloved acronym than are sometimes convenient to spell out.)

During my tenure as a Lindy Hopper, some of which was spent at an extremely conservative educational institution, I’ve become especially sensitive to and appreciative of scenes and events that go the extra mile to make the LGBT+ Lindy Hoppers feel safe and welcome. Here, I’d like to offer a compendium of tips and ideas I’ve compiled from my experiences, and from conversations with other LGBT+ dancers, to assist you in making your scene or event as queer-friendly as you can!

Making us feel welcome in class

We want to know that we can dance any role. All of your classes should open with a vocal acknowledgment from the instructors that anyone may dance any role. This may seem almost too obvious to say out loud, but I promise, this is really important – it makes us feel seen, and it makes us feel like we have the instructors’ support in case we experience discrimination from other dancers in class.

We want beginner classes to offer a non-gendered way to explore role preference. A great beginner class will include an exercise that involves really basic components of leading and following, like connecting with both hands in open position and practicing leading or following each other around the floor. I wish that the first Lindy Hop class I took had done this!

We want to have an easy way to identify our role preference in class. Please – please – do not ever start class by saying, “Okay, everyone partner up!” This makes it incredibly difficult to tell who’s doing which role, and I have often experienced the isolation of being the “odd one out” after all the women have partnered up with all the men. Instead, consider having everyone hold up an American Sign Language letter L or letter F with one hand to indicate which role they will be dancing for that class, and then let people partner up.

We want to feel acknowledged by the instructors’ language. Instructors, please take note – it is perfectly acceptable to use a gendered pronoun if you are talking about your teaching partner. For instance, you might say of the female follower teaching with you, “And then I put my right hand gently around her waist.” But when referring to your students, you should use gender-neutral pronouns instead. For instance, you could say, “Okay, leads, take your follower’s hand and lead them through the turn.”

Using “them,” which is a gender-neutral pronoun, makes space to acknowledge all the followers in the class – including those who may not identify as female. Here are a few more examples to help you think about which pronoun to use when referring to your teaching partner versus your students:

Partner: “I’m listening for him to pull me back into tandem position.”

Students: “Followers, make sure you listen for your leader to use their left hand to pull you back into tandem position.”

Partner: “She uses those four counts to do something expressive that she chooses.”

Students: “Leaders, remember to support your follower as they choose what to do during those four counts.”

But Mary, you sigh. I’ve definitely taught classes in which all the women were following and all the men were leading. Do I really have to do this then?

That’s a great question! Remember that in the LGBT+ community, it isn’t always obvious from appearances which gender someone may identify with, or which pronouns they may prefer. I have several dance friends who are nonbinary and use they/them pronouns, but are often mistaken for women because of the way they look. Using gender-inclusive language helps to make sure everyone feels welcome, even if it doesn’t always seem necessary.

We want to see ourselves represented. If it is an option for your scene or event, it’s a really dope idea to have same-gender instructor pairs teach together. This lets people who dance a nontraditional role feel represented. Some of my favorite styling variations have come from taking classes from other women who lead!

Making us feel welcome at the dance

We want to be visible. If you really want to go the extra mile towards pronoun visibility, get those nametags that say “My name is:” and “My pronouns are:” on them, and encourage everyone – including cis people – to use them. This helps trans dancers feel included, and gives people an easy way to know what other people’s pronouns are!

We want to feel safe inside the bathroom we use. It may seem so simple as to be almost unnecessary, but it makes a huge difference to hang up a sign outside the restroom indicating that people of all genders are welcome. Here are a couple of creative examples I’ve seen at different venues and events:

Pirate Swing 2017 in Ann Arbor, Michigan hung up signs that said “And non-binary” under the “Men” and “Women” signs outside the bathrooms in their main venue.

The inimitable Mobtown Ballroom in Baltimore, Maryland has a sign in the hallway outside the bathrooms: “This bathroom has urinals. [arrow to the right] This one doesn’t. [arrow to the left] Use whichever bathroom suits you.”

The Switch 2018 in San Francisco, California hung signs outside each of the single-use bathrooms that said “All genders welcome in this bathroom – just be sure to wash your hands!”

A personal aside: at Pirate Swing 2017, I was at a place in my life where I was dressing very androgynously, and as a six foot tall person with short hair, I was frequently mistaken for a man. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to see a sign on the bathroom that said “Women and non-binary.” It made me feel safe to enter the bathroom and know that no one would be startled or make a disparaging comment towards me. I do not identify as non-binary, but that simple sign still made a difference for me.

We want to be danced with! It truly makes all the difference when an organizer, instructor, or experienced dancer asks an LGBT+ dancer who is new to the scene for a dance. If you are in a position of power, influence, or experience, you have the opportunity to make this a reality!

We want others to ask about our preferences. I’ll admit it – I don’t always ask people their role preference. I know that some people want to only follow or only lead, and that’s fine. But if I’m not sure, or it’s a person I’ve never danced with before, or a friend with whom I will occasionally switch roles, I like to ask, “Is it all right if I lead?” or “Do you want to lead or follow?” If they seem unsure, offering up “Want to switch?” as an alternate option floats some people’s boats.

Because it can be easy for scene regulars to forget about doing this when they’re accustomed to dancing with the same people week after week, I really encourage instructors and organize to say, repeatedly and with a microphone if possible, “Here in our scene/at our event, if we’re not sure of someone else’s role preference, we like to ask!”

A nonbinary friend of mine told me this:

“As a queer person and often femme-presenting person, it’s super exciting when someone notices that I lead and asks me to, or even just asks if I lead or follow instead of assuming I follow.”

Which I think is reason enough to encourage scene regulars to be observant of others’ preferences and to ask if they’re unsure!

We want to be jammed in a way that respects our preferences. Okay, but for real, guys – can we make it an all-the-time-everywhere rule that all birthday jams must be preceded by getting the people in the middle to specify which roles they dance? Again, ASL hand signs are useful here. I can’t tell you how many times I haven’t cut in to dance with someone because I haven’t been sure which roles they could dance, and I suspect the same has been true of the times I have been jammed in the past. Especially for dancers who are newer to the scene, being given the opportunity to communicate this information is a must!

We want a safe person to talk to if needed. I really like it when scenes or events explicitly appoint one of the organizers to be a “safety coordinator” or something similar, whose job is basically to be a really understanding and informed person who is the go-to contact point for code of conduct violations.

Making us feel welcome in competitions

We want the competition name to reflect what’s actually going on. As we all know, for random partnered competitions, “Jack and Jill” is out, and a variety of new monikers are in – my favorite is “Mix and Match.” Just be mindful when naming your competition of what the title will say to people who dance a nontraditional role, or identify with a nonbinary gender.

We want to know that everyone else in the competition will welcome us. In some Mix and Match competitions, I have occasionally felt worried that I would be paired with someone who didn’t want to dance with me because I am a female lead. Thankfully, this has never happened, but I would really like to it become standard operating procedure to put language somewhere – maybe in the competition sign-ups, maybe announced by the emcee – that part of a Mix and Match is dancing with whoever you are paired with, regardless of their gender. This is a nascent idea of mine, and I’d be interested to hear others’ thoughts on how to put this into practice – toss yours in the comments!

We want to know that alternative fashion choices are acceptable. Many Lindy Hoppers are into vintage fashion, which is awesome…but it’s also from the 1940s, and tends to dictate shirts and trousers for men, and skirts and blouses for women. I would love it if we all took a moment to acknowledge that people tend to get pretty dressed up for competitions, and for queer people, formal wear can be a confusing and awkward endeavor. (As dance photos of me continue to attest.) Just…do your best to love and support and cheer for people in the competition, no matter what they’re wearing.

Incorporating ambidancing into your scene

This is a topic I have been hesitant to address, because my own feelings about ambidancing – which means being able to both lead and follow – are complicated at best. Even though I am technically an ambidancer, because I know how to both lead and follow, I am much more comfortable identifying myself as someone who leads primarily, and I have mixed feelings about the efficacy of ambidancing as a class format. Regardless, ambidancing does have some wonderful benefits of which you should be aware.

Ambidancing encourages open-mindedness and flexibility throughout your scene. People who are accustomed to ambidancing as a concept, regardless of their sexuality or gender, are way more likely to be cool with asking about role preferences, dancing with people of their same gender, and generally fostering an LGBT-friendly community atmosphere.

Ambidancing helps people appreciate each other. I’ve noticed that when people try the role they don’t usually dance, they develop a great appreciation for people who do dance that role! This is a wonderful attitude to have, and I think everyone should try the other role, at the very least to gain a better understanding of it.

Ambidancing can be an avenue towards greater musicality. Based on my own experience, I believe that when you start to dance in both roles, you start to notice some similarities between them – the biggest one being that dancing with the music, and inserting styling, breaks, stops, and footwork that matches the music, is important no matter which role you’re in.

Ambidancing is a queer-friendly class format. If you want to relieve anxiety about gendered roles, making it unnecessary to choose between those roles is a solid option. I may not personally enjoy learning both roles in a single class, but I know that there are many people for whom this learning style is a perfect fit, and it may be a good experiment to add some ambidancing classes to your scene or event to gauge interest.

Switch dancing is incredibly fun! I didn’t hold this opinion quite so adamantly until I moved to California and went to the Switch, where I had some switch dances that absolutely blew my socks off. Switch dancing means that the partners trade leading and following back and forth throughout the dance. Even as someone who isn’t super into following, I find switch dancing to be a spontaneous, creative, and exhilarating experience, and I think it’s something everyone should experience!

[...]

If you’re interested in learning more about ambidancing, this podcast from Michael Jagger and Evita Arce is a good place to start: https://michaelandevita.com/018-ambi-dancing/

Thank you for reading this post! If you have additional tips or suggestions to share, please drop them in the comments! I would love to hear your thoughts.

#Swing Dance #Tumblr Ηοppers

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chemically-imbalanced-romance · 6 years

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I Won’t Say I’m In Love [Pre-Draft]

I’ll try to keep this short even though I have a lot to say

This fic was meant to be a one off, but a lot lot longer, and it didn’t end up that way. I got a sudden surge of motivation and since it was the first and so far only dose I’ve gotten for months, I went with it. If you guys like this enough for me to actually turn it into what it was originally envisioned- A cute origin fic of a quiet moody Virgil and a sheepish flirty Roman -then just lmk, and I’ll see if I can stir up any leftover motivation.

A huge huge thanks to my dear boy @confusedcaleb and @dazedtrains ((idk which blog you’d want me to tag lmao)) for reading this for me and encouraging me to actually write it. Fun fact: He’s the cute transboy I was talking about meeting a bunch of months ago.

Wow this really was supposed to be short

Anyway, no trigger warnings except for some crude language

“You’re kidding, right? He’s kidding.”

Logan quirked an eyebrow. “Well, generally, I’d agree. He doesn’t look kidding, though.”

Patton whined. “Come on, what’s the big deal?”

“I have plans,” Virgil muttered.

Patton squinted at him, trying to decide whether to call him out on his bullshit or congratulate him for getting out of the house.

“Don’t bother, Patton,” Logan said. “He’s lying to you.”

Patton gasped. “That’s so unfair!”

Virgil turned away and resumed shoving his things in his backpack. The week’s worth of homework he’d been hoarding stuck out of his binder messily; He planned on using his assignments to kill time over the weekend. Usually he’d spend the weekend sleeping, or crashing at Logan or Patton’s house, but is only two friends were going to be busy and he’d been having trouble sleeping lately.

He slung his backpack over his shoulder and looked at them. “He invited you, okay?” His voice was quiet, but strong. “You can go if you want, but don’t drag me into it.”

Patton pouted, his eyes shining. God, why me. “Please?”

Logan offered Virgil a sliver of a smile. “Don’t make me brood alone.”

Tag teaming. Totally unfair.

“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled. “Can I get a ride?”

Patton squealed, jumping to throw his arms around Virgil. He squeezed the life out of him and moved on to do the same to Logan.

“Remy’ll be picking us up. Just be ready at seven, okay?”

Virgil cursed under his breath as a car honked outside. He stumbled around his room, snatching his hoodie and the two Monsters he had left on the desk, before dashing out.

“You don’t know what a text is?” He muttered so that only Logan could hear as he climbed into the back of Remy’s car.

Remy pulled away from Virgil’s house before his door was even closed. He started towards Patton’s house.

Remy grinned at him through the rearview mirror, a sharp grin on his face. Due to the darkness, he was lacking his favourite sunglasses, showcasing his gray eyes.

“Virgil! Glad you could make it.”

“Can’t relate.”

“Can’t help but notice you have two of those.”

Virgil held out one of his Monsters. “Figured I could prevent some kind of fire,” he said while Logan opened it and handed it over to Remy.

Remy was one of the most intelligent, talented people on the theatre crew. He knew this, too, which was why he refused to let anything lack his touch. He took on every project he could and got less sleep than Virgil, which was really a world record. One time Sophomore year, Remy’d gone a week without any sleep, and fell asleep in the middle of opening night- On the soundboard. He vowed not to let that happen again.

He stopped at Patton’s house, also only kind of allowing him to get in before starting again. Patton grinned and attack-hugged Virgil again.

“Yay! I thought you would change your mind.”

Patton was the only one who apparently saw this as an event worthy enough of a new outfit. The rest of the boys were wearing what they’d been for school that day, but Patton picked out a lavender skirt and matching combat boots.

Patton babbled on through the car ride, Logan and Virgil idly listening but Remy really the only one indulging him, until they got to the school. Remy thanked Virgil for the caffeine before he left to join the rest of the crew backstage, Virgil, Logan, and Patton taking their usual seats in the front.

Virgil crossed his arms over his chest and sighed, sliding down in the seat.

Remy had been inviting them to performances of all kind since Freshman year, and they went to every single one. Virgil knew the name of pretty much any student in the school who was A) slightly queer, B) slightly creative, or C) both. Any new faces stuck out like a sore thumb. So when the lights went down and the leading role came out onto the stage, Virgil’s honest-to-God first reaction was to lean to Logan’s side and mumble, “Who’s that asshole?”

“Roman. He got here a few months ago. What, Remy hasn’t mentioned him to you yet?” Virgil shook his head. “Lucky you. He won’t shut up about him.”

“Why?”

“He’s an asshole.”

Virgil snorted and sunk back in his seat, focusing back on the production. As always, the would-be trainwreck was pulled together last minute by the few drama kids who actually gave a shit, and managed to be pretty enjoyable. The only difference was the new guy practically sparkling in the stage lights.

When the lights came back on and the majority of the audience poured out of the auditorium, Patton rushed to pull out a crumpled bouquet of flowers from his backpack. Virgil and Logan followed behind, muttering congratulations as Patton went down the line to hand a flower to everyone.

Virgil and Logan both had been ready to leave for a half hour by now, but Remy was their ride home and they would’ve stuck around to congratulate him, anyway. Patton approached Remy with his arm slung around Roman’s shoulders with the remainder flowers. He grinned as he held them out.

Virgil rolled his eyes, Logan chuckling as Remy made a big show of accepting them, kissing Patton on the cheek and handing one over to Roman.

Roman blushed. “Thank you.”

“You did so good!” Patton bounced up and down, hardly containing his excitement. “I told you!”

They’ve met before?

Well, that did make sense. Patton went to practically every rehearsal- It wouldn’t make sense for him to not have latched himself against Roman’s side. Any time there was a new kid, Patton was the first one they met. He tended to hover around and shower them in gifts and favours until they found their own friends. It would be annoying if Patton wasn’t so damn good at being a friend. He read people really well and adapted quickly. Logan and Virgil wouldn’t have ever imagined they be friends with someone like him, but, well, Patton really knew how to take care of them.

Virgil went to take out his phone, knowing Patton and Remy could sit talking for hours, when Logan nudged him.

“What?” He grumbled. He didn’t look up, but Logan nudged him again, so Virgil shot him a glare. “What?”

Logan nodded to the boys; Virgil glanced over and caught Roman poorly disguising the fact that he was clearly staring at him.

Virgil blinked. He suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

“Okay,” he mumbled, hurriedly pulling his phone out.

“You’re an idiot,” Logan sighed.

“I know,” he snapped. His heart was racing.

With Remy and Patton completely distracted by their conversation, Logan was free to shove Virgil as hard as he could without Patton’s scolding.

“Motherfuc-”

Logan was probably going for something ‘romantic-’ Shoving Virgil into Roman’s chest, having Roman catch him, maybe some life-changing eye contact. Unfortunately for everyone involved, Logan sucked. He completely missed, slamming Virgil into the stage next to Roman while Roman watched with wide eyes.

“Virgil!” Patton rushed over to him, cutting off his sight of Roman. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“He tripped,” Logan cut in before Virgil could cut him out.

“Are you okay?” Patton asked.

“Fine,” he grumbled. His hip hurt and his face was on fire. “Can we go?”

“Actually, Patton-”

Oh my god I’m going to throw something at him.

“I need to talk to you and Remy before we leave.” Logan’s face was the picture of innocence. “Is that okay?”

Patton bit his lip, looking between Logan and Virgil. “Uh… Yeah! Roman?”

Oh my god.

Virgil glared at him, silently promising murder as Patton asked Roman to walk Virgil to the car.

Roman blushed. “Yeah! Sure. Okay. Sure.”

“We’ll be there in a few minutes!”

Before Roman could get to him, Virgil turned around and stormed off, ramming his shoulder into Logan’s on the way.

Outside, despite being several steps behind, Roman talked like they were right next to each other. “I didn’t get your name?”

He wanted to tell him to fuck off, but rather it be anxiety or manners, he couldn’t. “Virgil.”

“I’m Roman. Do you, ah-?”

“I can walk myself.”

“Right.”

Virgil stopped at Remy’s car, Roman stopping a few inches in front of him. He twisted his flower between his fingers, biting his lip. Virgil crossed his arms over his chest and looked away.

“I, uh… I like your hair,” Roman mumbled.

Virgil glanced up. “Uh. Thanks.” He’s gotten a few compliments on his purple hair. Never from hot guys.

What the hell did Logan even have in mind when he sent them out here? It wasn’t like anything was going to happen. Clearly. They were both messes of anxiety, they were just going to stand there the whole time.

“Are you friends with Remy?” Roman asked, desperately trying to keep up conversation. Great.

Virgil shrugged. “I’m friends with Patton. Patton’s friends with Remy.”

“He talks about you a lot,” he said quietly.

Virgil furrowed his eyebrows. “Yeah?” Roman nodded.

Awkward silence washed over them and Virgil prayed for Logan to come outside so he could strangle him. He’ll have to find a way around Patton to get to him…

“Jesus,” Virgil finally groaned. How long could they take?

“He probably knows…” Roman trailed off, his face red.

Virgil glanced at him. “What?”

“Well, uh… He probably figured we wouldn’t really talk… Easily…”

“Logan?”

“Mhm.”

Right. He wasn’t an idiot- Of course he knew Logan planned this. Which means Roman’s probably not this awkward at all- Just uncomfortable with the thought of being set up with a dude.

“Just ignore him,” Virgil mumbled. “He’s an asshole. I know you’re not interested.”

Roman looked at him in surprise. “I’m interested.”

“What?” Virgil’s heart slammed against his chest.

Roman stuttered around his words. “I, ah- I’m interested. In, uh. In you.”

Virgil’s first instinct was to say, ‘No, you’re not,’ but, God, what a dick move. Save that for later.

He blinked. “Okay.”

Roman deflated a little. “Are, uh…”

“Oh, fuck- Right! Yeah. Yeah, I’m, uh…” Goddamnit. He didn’t think he’d ever been so embarrassed.

The front doors to the school opened, Logan, Remy, and Patton walking out, heavily engaged in conversation. Roman hesitated, before stepping forward and pressing his flower into Virgil’s hand, and walking to Remy. Virgil gripped the stem, frozen, his eyes wide and his cheeks red.

He still had to sit in the front seat on the ride home to keep himself from killing Logan, but he stayed silent the entire ride, a flurry of embarrassment, excitement, and anxiety swirling around in his stomach.

He didn’t know what the hell to do with a flower when he got home, and he was too damn tired to Google it, so he just set it on his dresser and fell back on his bed.

The knowledge of it sitting across the room kept Virgil up half the night; He persistently tried distracting himself, as every time he thought of Roman giving him the flower gave him a powerful surge of emotion that he just didn’t know what to do with.

He prayed the feelings would go away soon, but he seriously doubted it.

Fuck you, Logan.

#prinxiety #virgil sanders #roman sanders #virgil writes

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cullinankatsudon · 7 years

Text

Let’s get super damn real about representation/education and coded protection

So this is a series of asks I just got, which is actually one ask, which I can’t answer publicly without only answering one, so I just screenshot the whole mess and now I’m “answering” by using this as a jumping off point and going from here. And when I say GOING I mean fucking going, because JFC do I have some goddamned thoughts. There is so much to unpack here, both the stuff said and the stuff which is unsaid, which the asker may or may not have been thinking, but I know other people are so I’m just going to say it and everyone can either listen or leave. I don’t really care. The title of the blog is Just Here For The Ships and it is true. Please skip this and go back to the pics of Victuuri being awesome if you like.

I am not 24. I am 44. I am the author to over 25 published novels of LGBTQIA romance, many of which have won awards and have been translated into...I’ve lost count of the languages. Like, five? Lots. I’m not Big Shit but I’m not some peon who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I write about sex, though, and sensuality. I have written an asexual romance, and BDSM romances, and moderately sexual romances, and a romance with an autistic hero, several with heroes with anxiety/depression, May/December relationships, and a great number of new adult novels, which is basically the next step away from young adult, and often features 18yos so basically I write, often, teenagers having sex. And as I have said, I am 44, so I guess from the perspective of a 24 year old I am an ancient old creaky person perving like fuck. But we will cover this more in a moment.

I am also by identification a queer woman. No one has any right to that information whatsoever, it is none of your business. But I am public about it and I volunteer it for a specific reason which I will also underline later in this conversation. Now to the answer to the ask.

The incredibly short answer to this ask is, if you don’t like what other people are doing, don’t look at it. Don’t read their shit, don’t read their blogs, don’t engage. I keep quoting @fencer-x in this discussion because her opinions and mine align, and I respect her way of dealing with frustrating topics: she blocks people when she knows their views and hers clash and interactions with them will only make her angry/frustrated. My god, what an adult reaction. She doesn’t chase people down and harass them (not adult). She simply says, “This will make me ranty. I’m going to end this before it can start and go on with my happy ways.” Incredibly proactive because she has high-volume interaction on Tumblr.

But this ask isn’t a harassment, it’s an honest ask: why would an adult want to read about two teenagers having sex. I find it a frustrating ask, but I’ll honor it because I’m in a waiting-for-email loop and anyway, I’ve been seeing this go by my feed for months, Fencer keeps hammering at it and why should she have to keep saying the same thing? I’ll take an axe swing for the team. Just be ready because I am here with some fucking receipts.

Answer A: Assuming that adults people are reading about teenagers having sex because they are getting off is incredibly juvenile and reveals shallowness of comprehension of literature in general.

I don’t have hard sales on YA romance in front of me, but I’m a member of Romance Writers of America and could probably get it pretty quickly with a few emails; what I do know is that YA romance is doing fine, more than, and it’s not being read by only teens and whatever magical cut off is considered not-gross in legal adulthood. I don’t have any comprehension over what moment that is, when an adult human becomes old enough and now reading about teenagers is gross--is it simply always someone younger? Am I not allowed to read about thirty-year-olds fucking?--but whatever this is, I don’t care, because I don’t subscribe to it, largely because I know that readers of romance in general but especially young adult romance are rarely reading for sex alone. There are some people, yes. There’s nothing wrong with those choices, but they’re rare in any event, and we’re not talking about them yet.

My new adult novels, however, while they are read by some college age people and some high school students, are largely read by adults, many of them my age or older. For the queer identifying reader especially, the books featuring young protagonists starting out in life often move them to write me passionate letters which in turn make me cry. But the heterosexual readers will often feel just as strongly.

Why? Because it will possibly surprise (or depress?) a number of twenty somethings to discover that when people hit their thirties or especially forties/fifties, they look back at their twenties/youth and feel nostalgia, regret, and sadness over possibilities lost, time slipped away, and in the case of many women and queer youth, opportunities never granted. For many bi/pan people in particular of my generation, we quietly slipped into a heteronormative path because it seemed like the only choice, and while we may have made happy marriages, there are parts of our selves which never got to see the light of day, and that hurts. These books, these explorations, are ways to have those moments.

Writing fiction is an even more empowering way to explore those same themes--and not everyone wants the hell of chasing down a publishing career, so fan fiction is a nice alternative.

Perhaps you’re about to say, “But Heidi, those straight women are FETISHIZING!!!!!!!!” Oh, sure, maybe some are? I don’t know. I imagine you’d like to point them out to me? I suspect you have a list prepared. I bet you know who alllll those bitches are, eh?

Let me tell you a story.

In the publishing world, people do the same thing. Readers and published authors alike loooove to play that game, imagining who is entitled to do what, and every so often someone decides to go on a witch hunt. Now sometimes there are truly people who have been deceiving others and the betrayals are horrible to see unfold, and they always break the community. And then sometimes--several times in my tenure--I have watched people go after “straight” women who have “dared” to step wrongly in queer romance...and all the while I have known that these women are in fact not straight, but rather are simply not out. I have done what I can to help, but there isn’t much to do, except that I keep a list--a real list--of the people carrying torches and I do not engage, do not highlight, do not give oxygen in any form, ever. So be very careful when you make your judgments of shippers FETISHIZING!!!!!!!! because you might be completely wrong, even if the bio on that person’s blog says they’re straight. If you don’t like what someone is doing, you should probably take Fencer’s approach and simply block them.

One of the reasons I am out--though only one--is because it is more uncomfortable for me to think about being jumped by assholes from my own team wanting to accuse me of appropriation than it is being accosted by an antigay bigot. I would like you to think about that for a long time before you ever approach someone about being allegedly straight.

But even the straight shippers have plenty of agency to enjoy writing about teenagers having a relationship which may include sex. That brings us to the next answer, though.

Answer B: women have a lot of unpacking to do in this damn world about sex, and in nearly every culture they are saying, over and over, romance between male same sex pairings helps them do this work. Including young pairings.

This answer comes with a ton of controversy and has taken me eight years of being published to come up with, and my way of speaking to it is ever evolving. While it is true that I have many gay male readers and nonbinary readers for my books which are largely about gay males falling in love, I also have many female readers of all orientation, though a large chunk of those are straight. This phenomenon has been the butt of jokes and point of ire depending on who is writing the article or asking me questions over my years as an author.

This is a whole other essay, gnarly and deep, but the main gist is that women’s sexuality is so fraught and politicized that many women--worldwide, across cultures--feel more comfortable exploring issues about sexuality when the pairing is between two men than a woman and a man or two women. Now: personally, I want us to move beyond this and evolve, to move to two women as well as two men, to add in some heterosexual pairings but have the man be different as part of a trope--but we aren’t there yet, clearly, for so many reasons. I think it’s important we keep pushing and trying, but it’s going to have to evolve there, not be shamed there or rammed there.

We have a patriarchal culture; it’s no surprise that to undo this women pit two men against one another and attempt to undo the power structure by domesticating it, by rewriting it (literally), by remixing it on their own terms. Now--speaking as a queer woman, I do think we must, especially when writing gay men, be respectful and be aware we are writing about a marginalized group. However, this is a marginalized group writing about a marginalized group--women/gay men--and especially if the pairing is about white men, it’s an even power match. Gay white men in fact can seize more power than white women, if they want it--they must deny their orientation, but the choice is there.

It’s true that women writing about gay men can and have been sloppy, that descent into rape fantasy and feminization harm the relationship between gay men and women of any orientation. It’s also true that there are gay men quietly reading those same tropes the same way women in the 70s and 80s read rape fantasy and rescue fantasy in romance as part of their own evolution to claiming power (and yes, that is a thing).

But wait, Heidi, you say, what the hell does this have to do with teenagers having sex?

Plenty.

Because we’re talking specifically about Otayuri, yes? Yurio having sex with Otabek, who is not an adult, but is for some reason to some people, and we’re talking about adults reading about this. They are a gay pairing. And unlike Victuuri, they are not canon, not yet, maybe not ever, and this is very important right now, because there is more power in a non canon ship when you are writing them yourself, because you are creating the link. When you write Victuuri you’re celebrating a couple the creators literally put rings on. When you write Sterek or Sheith or anyone else who is not in their actual fictional show a couple, and when you are taking straight men and queering them up in a pairing, you are claiming power. I don’t care what your orientation is. You are taking a big dildo and aiming at the patriarchal system of the world through fiction and you are saying, “I am going to fuck with this, literally.”

To do that with young men is another statement on top of that. I don’t know, do people bitch about Sterek? Are there people freaking out about TEEN WOLF, TEEN Sterek and the older guy, the mentor, the adult graduate jailbaiter who gets shipped with him? I don’t have a problem with it at all, but if you want to go legally by the show, those are the terms. Why do people do it? Because there’s something in that power play that speaks to them. Something specific about Styles, who appears weak and young and vulnerable, and Derek, who is older and powerful but has a vulnerable side.

Derek is the patriarchy, and Styles is how you bring him down. It’s more complicated than that, nobody thinks like that, but if you want to get deep as fuck with it, and I do, that’s what’s happening, and why it’s important. Styles is a kid, technically. As an actor I get that he’s an adult. Maybe that’s why there’s no freak out?

Okay let’s go to Sheith. Shiro is 24 and Keith is 18. Legit no legal issues here, plus they’re in space and in the future, but still youth is on board, and we have an age difference. Age differences are powerful. May/December is a thing and they’re heady in gay romance. Boy do people love the idea of a younger man bringing an older man to heel through love. This is not May/December, 24/18, but that age gap is enough to make people feel the pull, and the power dynamic is another. Shiro is the leader. Patriarchy. Keith is the feisty underling. You want to know why that ship is hot? That right there. Staid patriarchy needing feisty youngling to fuck it from underneath and get it to unlace.

You want to know why gay romance is so alluring, why people love gay ships, especially with straight characters? Because we are so goddamned desperate to change our culture and it won’t change and we don’t know how to do it and we feel like we have no power, and materially we don’t have a ton, but what we do have are these stories and a few hours a night to read or write subversive literature.

So I did everyone but Yurio. Let’s talk about Yuri P. Yurio is fifteen, a baby, a precious baby. He is not a baby. He tells you over and over he is an ice tiger. He got an upgrade in the BD where he explained how he wanted to dress himself and do his own music and he got his friend boyfriend to help him get dressed and pick a song and choreograph a new skate overnight, and then when he saw Victuuri was going to one-up him he came up with something to top them on the fly and it was hot and sexual and not at all contrived. The boy bled sex all over the ice, and if he had skated that routine up against Eros and Chris’s ass grab he would have won the competition. The boy is not a boy, he’s a young man and he is aware of his sexuality. He gets to play with it and claim it.

And people get to play with it too. It is a real thing, it is there, and it is ripe for the exploration. It is valid and on the table. Which brings us to the last answer (except there are about fifty more, I’m just only going to give one more because this is long as fuck and I have a family and I”m getting bored of this)

Answer C: Sex is fabulous and it is okay to like sex (and okay to not like sex)

Okay at the moment I am answering this in the theoretical, as a hysterectomy and PTSD over a past trauma regarding sex and way too much work-related stress have made the actual having of sex not something I’m interested in personally, but theoretically I find sex to be a wonderful, beautiful thing, and I’m currently going to therapy once a week to get my shit straight so that someday I can have it again because I do like it a lot and I believe in the power and beauty of sex and everyone’s right to have it and enjoy it (or not) in whatever way that pleases them so long as it is safe, sane, and consensual. I’ve written books that open with a blow job (true story) and books that are described as about “fisting cowboys full of feels” and also books with nothing more than two kisses and make out sessions holding hands and books where the sex is awkward and books where the sex mostly fades to black and everything in between.

This includes sex by and for teens, because they have it. It’s okay for them to have it and it’s okay for me to read about it (and watch shows where they have it) and find it hot if it is because there is not an age limit where this happens. It’s an amazing thing, but I read books and find things hot or funny or sexy or scary or happy or sad and I don’t feel they are happening to me personally. I don’t feel that I am now that person. I don’t think that I am entitled to that character’s life, and I don’t mistake that I am suddenly that age.

Nobody, by the way, would ever say this of someone about a horror novel for teens, or anything else for teens, and amazingly, nobody would ever and has ever said this about men reading fucking Lolita, a “literature” book about a goddamned girl and the pedophile who ogled her. Well, women. But people usually tell them to shut up because literature. Nobody says this to Woody Allen or the other men who have done all kinds of nasty shit. We are talking here, in a coded way, about “older” women reading about young men having sex. Because that’s a dirty act.

It is not. I am not old. I am older, yes, and so much wiser, and I can argue like this all damn day.

But I might not do it every day because I also have a lot of work to do. Really, to sum it up: if you don’t like it, don’t look at it. Absolutely nobody on here is the morality police and nobody is entitled to protect anyone. The odds are really good you’re fucking up and hurting a lot of people if you try.

Just be here for the ships. Your ships. And everything will be fine.

#asks that are too long to actually answer #otayuri #shipping

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scripturient-manipulator · 7 years

Text

Well, time to fix what other people fucked up. Again.

I’m the vice president of the LGBT+ club here at my college and it’s...not going great. It suffered under horrible leadership for several years before my time (enough so that people were harassed out of the club) and has since dwindled to powerpoint presentations. It’s a whole mess. But THIS is about Queer Monologues. For anyone who doesn’t know, it’s a night where people read pieces they’ve written about their experience being LGBT+. Poems, rants, true stories, complaints, their thoughts on a certain subject (we had several Leelah Alcorn pieces when that tragedy was recent). It’s a night to just be queer and talk about being queer. Now, as several of you have probably noticed, this semester has been a shitshow for me in terms of mental health. And the club hasn’t been much better. Our president has missed at least the first half of every meeting thus far because she’s too busy being at another group’s meeting. Which, by the way, is actively working against us. Yet she decides what happens, and throws some random powerpoint into my lap half an hour before club to present. And she has some...not thought out views on recent activity and people. Nothing is happening, the club is not a fun place to come to. The one (1) time she said she would be coming on time I took the night off because I couldn’t handle myself much less anything else and had been barely functioning at meetings the other times. And what happens? She doesn’t come on time. Which leaves our poor secretary (who I try to make sure never has to talk because he’s incredibly anxious) and treasurer up the creek without a paddle or any warning they’d be there. And the presentation she’d put together was a bunch of clips of the new Rocky Horror Picture Show. So our treasurer does really well, she gets people talking for once, discussing the good and bad and the club’s going well and are agreeing that there were some issues when you have a trans woman play Frankenfurter when labels and gender identity and all sorts of stuff get thrown into the mix and get considered in historical context (my buds, I am not having a discussion on that point, I wasn’t even there) and she comes in and, without reading the room or asking what they were saying, loudly proclaims that she loved the movie and thought it was better than the original.

SO right now we’re at a point where I’ve been ignored in saying that we need to get organizing for Queer Monologues because it’s on November 29th and there’s been many mishaps in communicating with the people who helped us last year because she will give me zero (0) definites on anything. Now this is an event you gotta start planning early. People have to know about it, they have to commit to writing pieces, they have to write the pieces, you have to veto or let in the pieces because we’re not going to allow stuff like “hi I’m gay and we should all kill ourselves” or unintentional whoopses like how last year my poem got vetoed because it was celebrating trans people who were alive and accidentally had a line that could be read as dissing those who have passed away/committed suicide. Which wasn’t meant, and they knew that, but it could have been taken that way and triggered someone, so it was rightly removed.

None of that has happened. We literally had the informational this past Monday, and one person showed up to that. One. For a wildly popular event that at least forty people showed up to last year and that was a small crowd. And I want to use this next meeting on Monday as a writing time but our president refuses to because she’s sure that people will write over Thanksgiving break and “all we can do is promote the event”. Augggghhhh. And I’m not confident enough to say “fuck it, she’s not here, it’s writing night boys and girls” because A) anxiety and B) I’m still recovering from being the most burnt out I’ve ever been in the last couple years and C) that is some fuck-you-ing I am not emotionally prepared to face the repercussions of right now.

Now she’s just like “yeah I’ll spam email some people who haven’t even shown up to club but they signed our sheet at the Club Fair so” and I’m just like uuugggghhhh we have nothing right now. So what am I doing? Shooting off emails and praying that very busy college students will somehow find it in their time to prepare for a quickly-upcoming event that’s not only A) after a break but B) coming up on finals time so it’ll be another thing for them to write. I’m gonna be going to another club on Tuesday if they let me and basically I’ll be racing around trying to make something work because once again I am the only member of a group project who’s doing anything and the only costume designer who will do anything. Oof.

#rant #kill tw #suicide tw #flashbacks to literally every school project and most theatre jobs #fucking hell

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katiecat446 · 7 years

Note

all the questions

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others thanyou?

Not really, no.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark areyou?

A solid 1.5?

3. The person you would never want to meet?

My fiance’s ex, probably because I would want to hither. I saw her once from a distance andthat was bad enough.

4. What is your favorite word?

Anything with a hard “ck” sound in the middle. Monarchical, for example.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

I would love to be a cherry blossom tree.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was thefirst thing you thought?

Yikes.

7. What shirt are you wearing?

An oversized grey one from my university

8. What do you label yourself as?

Uh, I have many labels I guess? Feminist, queer, empathwould probably be 3 of them

9. Bright room or dark room?

Bright room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Discussing the pros and cons of different forms oflightsaber combat, specifically Forms III (Soresu), IV (Ataru) and V (Shien)with my fiancé Nathaniel (aka @mr-villainous, the asker of these questions)

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

This one (19) or maybe when I was juuuust barely 18.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

Nathaniel

13. Your worst enemy?

My mental health problems, let’s be real.

14. What is your current desktop picture?

A picture of a mountain with starry skies behind it, and mylocked desktop background is a picture of the Coruscant skyline

15. Do you like someone?

I may in fact, like like someone. Enough to marry them, infact

16. The last song you listened to?

Sugar Daddy, Original Broadway Cast, from Hedwig and theAngry Inch

17. You can press a button that will make any one personexplode. Who would you blow up?

Steve Bannon, for sure.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

MY EX

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it beand what would they have to do?

Not really a fan of answering ~cute questions~ about slaverylmao

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing saidattribute is optional)

…none? The color ofmy eyes maybe?

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would youlook like and what would you do?

I would look like I do now, but more masc I guess? And Iwould probably bask in the glory of not having massive weights on my chest and thereforethe glory of not having back problems.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

I do not. I don’t even have a non-secret talent. I’m not atalented person.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

I’m afraid of most things. Clowns, spiders, most bugsreally. OH WAIT. Whales. Whales and deep ocean terrify me.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwichingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

This isn’t a question, so I all I can say is “nice!”

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Either my next tattoo (Rebel Alliance symbol boiii) or useit to buy Nathaniel the Horizon Zero Dawn game that he’s been salivating overfor months

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in theworld, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Back home to Portland so I can see Nathaniel lmao

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetimesupply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says.Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’ssomething you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Oh shit. Uh, that’s hard. I’d want to choose between Midori,Svedka (Orange Creamsicle Flavor), Khalua, or Kraken Spiced Rum. Probably Kraken.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may buildyour own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put intoplace?

Official form of economy and government = democraticsocialism

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck, it’s so versatile

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enoughtime to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your lovedones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’regoing to save from that blazing inferno?

Please do not make me choose this is rude. I’m going to assume that I’m coming home tothe blaze, which means that I will already have my backpack with my laptop andphone on my person. I’d have to go withmy box of things/letters I’ve received from Nathaniel.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past.What will it be?

When I told my mom I hated her when I was 8.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being atime-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. Butcheck out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

Is this asking me where I would move to? I would go withCanada, lbr. I know its boring bc I live right next to it, but living in Canada= same relative climate, easier for family to visit me, not an entire lifestyleupheaval, plus universal healthcare!

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to yoursurprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As itturns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in afantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. ofyour choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

I’ve not really experienced death personally yet, except formy paternal grandfather whom I was not close to. But I think I would say him, because my dadchanged a lot after he passed, and not in many good ways. If bringing my grandpa back would bring mydad back, I’d like that.

34. What was your last dream about?

Something about Nathaniel and I in the Star Wars universe. Ithink we were having a threesome with “General Kenobi” aged Obi-Wan tbh

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

The asker of this question was lazy and didn’t specifyanything for this question.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

When I was a few weeks old, for massive dehydration.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

Yes I have

38. What is the color of your socks?

Pink, grey, and purple

39. What type of music do you like?

Indie-pop (The Mowglis, The Wombats), Lo-fi (ElvisDepressedly, Mac DeMarco), Broadway soundtracks, I don’t know what the genre is but female artists that are unapologetic about their sexuality (Melanie Martinez, Lana, Marina and the Diamonds, Nicole Dollanganger) and NineInch Nails as its own untouchable genre.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunrises, I think.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Cookies and cream!

42. What football team do you support?

It’s not a question of who I support, its who I don’t. I refuse to support the Patriots, Steelers,or Saints.

43. Do you have any scars?

Yes, though they’re mainly from self-harm. I have one on theback of my right hand from scratching at it during a panic attack, several onmy left wrist, 2 on my right ankle, and one on my right arm from when I closeda hot oven door on it.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

Who knows!!!1! I’dlove to continue in academia as a professor. But I’d also love to work in a museum. But I’d also like to work at a university providing student support. ButI’d also like to do community activism and service for underprivileged groups,specifically those that have experienced sexual assault and/or relationshipabuse. So, its up in the air at the moment

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what wouldit be?

My weight. I’d like to be about 30/40 pounds lighter

46. Are you reliable?

Depends on who you ask t b h

47. If you could ask your future self one question, whatwould it be?

What actions do I need to take now to ensure financialstability for myself and the family I am building?

48. Do you hold grudges?

I really try not to, but there are times that I do. They’renot usually petty though. They’re for solid reasons.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the lawsof nature, what new animal would you create?

I would create the Beargle. Half bear, half eagle.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Someone came into my office and asked if we had a Furry Clubon campus, so.

51. Are you a good liar?

Not really, no

52. How long could you go without talking?

I’ve gone like 4 or 5 days before

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

When I cut my own hair at age 5

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

Of course

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Lmao no

56. What do you like on your toast?

Just salted butter, sometimes with cinnamon sugar too.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

Probably a mock up of something event related for work

58. What would be your dream car?

One that doesn’t squeak when it drives like my current one.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in theshower? Explain.

I sing Broadway showtunes in the shower when I’m home alone

60. Do you believe in aliens?

I believe in forms of life that we haven’t yet discovered.

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

When someone shows it to me lmao

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

N, I think. Or C.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons tbh.

64. What do you think about babies?

Sketchy on ones that belong to other people, really reallywanting my own with Nathaniel

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

Again, Nathaniel was lazy and didn’t specify anything in hisask.

#mr-villainous #ask #questions

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fizzy-popper-blog · 5 years

Text

Raise Your Flag

Chapter 2

Sitting in his chair Alex takes out his phone. He texts his friend to see where they're at but he gets no response from anyone. Scowling he puts his phone away and grabs his textbook. His first period is language art, then math, history, science, and art. He personally couldn't wait for art, he's always been in touch with his hands and was always drawing on his bedroom walls. He remembers when he was five and found his mom's lipstick. He was drawing a bird when he heard his mother curse at him and then smack him on the back of the head. She made him clean it up with a bar of soap and a sponge until he passed out of exhaustion onto the floor. His mother left him there too busy wallowing in self-pity and whiskey. Frowning and scrunching up his eyebrows he lightly shakes his head as if to forget the memories that plague his broken mind. Looking at the smart board he is reminded of the osts that will begin in a few days. He knows enough that he'll pass with flying colors but that still won't be enough. He'll still be called stupid and worthless by his mom and compared to his dad. It may not be fair but thats how life works, life isn't well faring for great minds like Alex. The reached sea of stupidity sadly sinks any opportunity to shine with the greatest potential. Alex remembers last year that a bunch of girls went I to the destroy. and started to fight. Why the hell they did he has no idea but most of them got detentions so he didn't really care to complain. Even then they should have been expelled as dangerous and disobedient delinquents. But who's he to decide that, he's just a low life from the east side.

Getting his homework out he waits for the teacher to walk through the front door. Instead of the teachers, it's the popular kids. Oh shit, he thought, hope and pray to whatever god we have that they don't care to bother me. There must be a god above because the group of perfumed girls and boys didn't take notice to him. Letting out a sigh of relief he reviews his homework one last time. Nothing sticks out to him as wrong or unsure of, just completed. Satisfied with his work he sits back in the dingy school chair and thinks. His friend should be here by now considering that Jack would never let them skip. Alex has a class with them for almost every period except art since Nathan, Jewels, and Jack have gym and Katherin has a choir. No way in hell Alex would be able to survive any of those classes, he can barely walk to school without getting winded. So he sticks to subjects that require no or minimal exercise at all coast. Last year he passed out during gym because he couldn't breathe, scared the hell out of the gym teacher. It would have been funny if Alex wasn't

Being dragged to the paramedics outside the school building. Groaning and trying to hide his blushing face he false to see a group of people walking into his classroom.

"Hey look boys, its the fag from down the street, and he's all by his lonesome." The leader of the group sneers and pits his elbows on Alex's desk. Feeling that there was something going on some other teens stop what they're doing. Alex clears his through and responds, "I ain't-a fag boy, I'm bisexual you ignorant punk." Alex spits back. There was one female and two males. The female was a Hispanic girl, Avery, with black straight hair and brown eyes and averaged size. The two males were taller than the female by a few feet. The leader, Timothy, was a white male with dark hair and green eyes, his peach skin didn't have a mark on it, no blemishes or scars. The other male, Max, was a dirty blond boy with combed back brown hair. His eyes were a steel blue that scared Alex shitless. You'd think the leader would scare him but the leader wasn't obviously that smart. Max, on the other hand, was known for being the top student(mostly because his dad paid for him). And while muscles hight help once in the strength is where the brain is.

"Hah, says the one that hangs out with those fags." Timothy sneers, hoping to get under Alex"s skin. Not wanting to admit defeat Alex fires back. "Says the one who's more obsessed with his dick than anything, maybe that makes you gay for yourself." He didn't really think it was an insult but the boy didn't take it to well. He slams his hand on Alex's desk and gets in his face. "You better take that back fagget, or else," Alex smirks, he knows this isn't the best school but he knows that they have some standards that could get this punk expelled. That's unless his daddy pays the board off again. "The hell are you smirking for queer." The leader snaps, confused as to why Alex finds the situation amusing. "Looks like the fag has a death wish." This time it's Avery who speaks up. Alex is actually stunned that she would actually bother with him. He's seen her talk and curse right in front of the prince (granted everyone has sworn in front of him) not giving a shit, so why would she now? Blinking Alex sighs, he just wanted to have a quiet morning where he got all A's or B's and hang out with the gang. But that doesn't seem to be happening today. Timothy grabs Alex by the collar and goes to swing at him but the teacher walks in just in time. "Timothy Daten, a bit your behind down!" The language art teacher yells at Timothy and he immediately let's go with a push. He smirks at Alex and walks away with the other to.

Rolling his eyes Alex turns to the front of the classroom. This wasn't the first time a teacher had to step in and protect Alex from people like Timothy. People with closed minds close the world for other people. The teacher stands at the front of the class and relays what the lesson will be about. Alex would be paying attention but he's to focused on the poster board in the hallway and who might see his name. The last thing he needs is everyone else and their mom to know that he's part of the LGBTQ. Word spreads quickly around the school, especially in the halls. Nothing can get passed the gossip of a high schooler. Alex was just about to pay attention to the lesson when announcements came on. "Attention students, there is an early morning announcement concerning the new event presented by the student council." Alex quickly perks up and looks at the speaker, he doesn't really know why maybe it's just to be polite? "As you may know, if you pay attention that is, there is a poster in the main hall, now this poster is a one time chance for the school to celebrate one thing, this can range to appropriate items to holidays." The speaker pauses, they're likely reading from a flash card or something. "The winner will be announced at the end of the day considering there is still a whole day of school and you all need to focus." Some of the student groan. Guess Alex isn't the only one hanging on the edge of his seat.

"That will be all for morning announcements have a good day." As the announcements end the morning bell rings. Students rush to get into their classrooms and pretty soon the halls are a barren wasteland with paper and pencils littering the floor. As the lesson goes on Alex can't wait for the end of the day, not only to leave but to find out if he'll have the pleasure of a pride day. As he daydreams about what it would be like as a pride day the ending class bell rings. Students rush out of their seats to the classroom door. Following their lead, Alex rushes to his next period which is math then health, study hall, lunch, American History, Art, science then another unnecessary period just to torture students. Walking into his next period he starts to become dazed. What if he doesn't get the event, what if they make fun of him for trying to celebrate such a taboo thing. Frowning and looking down at his desk he realizes what an idiot he was to think something good would happen to him. He starts to shake with uncertainty, his heart starts to beat even faster and starts to sweat. Shooting up from his seat he runs out of the classroom, down the hall and to the men's restroom. He slams the door of a stall and sits on the toilet, covering his face with his hands. Breath, just breath. He tells himself repeatedly trying to calm himself down. This is the second panic attack this month, sadly that's a record.

Tears start to stream down his face. He tries to wipe them away but there are so many tears. Instead, he just lets them roll down his face and onto the bathroom floor. When he's done crying his face is wet and his eyes are iffy. He can't go back to class looking like this so he waits the whole period in the bathroom. He swears this reminds him of a theatre song but he can't remember which one. He listens to so many songs that he mixes them up a lot. He starts to hum a lullaby to help calm himself more. It's the same lullaby that he would sing for himself when he was a toddler. He doesn't remember where he heard it from but it's soothing to him an that's all that matters to him. Alex sighs and stands up, brushes the dust of his clothes and opens the stall door. He walks to the mirror and looks at himself. His eyes are swollen and red from how much he was crying. Rubbing his eyes he grabs some paper towels and wettens them. He scrubs his face and stares at his hands. They are still shaking from his previous panic attack. He rubs his hands and shakes his head. They've always been shaky but now he wouldn't be able to hold a pencil. There isn't any point im him staying at school if he's like this. He throws the paper towns away and leaves the restroom. Walking down the has he reaches his locker. He'd just about to get his backpack and coat when the announcements come on. "Attention students, sorry for the afternoon interruption but we have an announcement. Because of popular demand, we will be announcing the winner for the special event." Alex quickly looks up at the speaker in the ceiling and crosses his fingers. "The winner for the special event is..." Alex holds his breath. "....Alex Hecht, for pride day!" He can't believe it. He finally won something. Something good actually happened to him Letting out his breath he slides down his locker. A smile grows on his face and he tries to hide it, but it's too big of a grin to hide. He stands up and jumps for the ceiling, fist pumps the air. He starts to twirl around and just has a good time. When he's done self celebrating he grabs his stuff with pride and locks his locker. Walking down the hallway with pride he walks to the nurse's office, tells her what happend and is excused from school for the day. He doesn't have anyone to pick him up so he's forced to walk home but he isn't fazed. He still has a dopey grin on his face and arrives home. He isn't fazed when his mom yells at him for being home. He jumps to his room and texts his friends. This is the best day and the most life-changing one he'll ever have.

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