#i cant believe the event that got me back into making so much event art was the fuking tsum event even tho its already over | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alreadyblondenow · 4 years

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I’ll never leave again

Yuta x reader // SMUT, ANGST, fluff? Summary: A Japanese transferee added color to your already colorful and perfect life and you both find true love as you help him with his battle against drugs. Word Count: 7k Warnings: MAJOR DRUG USES, wearing, explicit mature themes, mentions of alcohol, blood, hospital, rehab, unprotected sex, mentions of other idols Note: IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE WHEN IT COMES TO DRUGS, PLEASE CLICK AWAY. THANK YOU. this fic is 100% came from my imagination, unlike my other works that are inspired from true events and personal experiences, this fic is 100% made up.

Spaced out and really not in the mood to socialise, you were busy thinking how you’re going to break things off with your boyfriend Jaehyun. The perfect captain of the cheerleading squad and the handsome captain of the basketball team, together and being high school sweethearts is kind of getting old to you. And by getting old you mean you don’t love Jaehyun anymore. Not that he cheated on you or he treated you badly, no Jaehyun’s a great guy. It’s just that maybe he is not what your heart wants anymore.

It’s hard to explain something you cant even understand. You can’t actually pin point when did you start forcing yourself to see Jaehyun and why is this happening. “I can’t just stage a cheating scenario, that’s not me. I think Jaehyun deserves the truth” thats your response when Yeeun suggests to stage a cheating act where Jaehyun will see some random dude in your bed. “He will not buy it. Because he knew I can’t cheat” you added making Yeeun more frustrated.

To finish all your problems regarding breaking up with Jaehyun, you decided to just tell him the truth. He believed everything you said. “I felt it. Your kisses became different” Jaehyun said after you explained your part, you were glad that the breakup was mutual.

Now that you’re on your senior year, you wanted to focus on studying and trying new things. You gave up cheerleading and entrusting the squad to Yeeun. Giving up cheerleading was not a problem even though literally all of your friends are part of the squad, but they understand you. You’re just following your heart. Cheerleading is soon replaced by art, your second passion next to dancing and you couldn’t be more happier.

Everything was going smooth, having good grades, self love, and more art. Although, people in school still see you as this popular cheerleader who used to be with the school star player, you’re having a hard time making new friends. Until you met Nakamoto Yuta. A Japanese transferee who’s always quiet, private and scary because he had a lot of piercings. Not to you of course, you never see him that way. You met at the football field while you were having a quick sketch of the sunset with all your coloring materials just after a long day at school. “You should try using soft pastels, they’re more easier to blend” he said peaking from the back bleacher, you turned around to check who it is.

“I’m Yuta by the way, we have the same art class” he’s a little shy and awkward, but nice enough to introduce himself first. You knew you go to the same art class, actually he is quite an artist. He can be top of the class if only he submits his works.

“Hi, I’m y/n” you smiled at him offering a hand shake but you realised your hand is dirty because of the oil pastel. “We can fist bump instead” you suggest and he let out a small laugh. He looks beautiful under the perfect orange light from the sunset, his skin is unbelievably white and flawless, he looks unreal and you can’t stop staring.

“So...” he snapped out of you, “it’s nice to me you y/n. I hope you take my advice” you nod and waved goodbye as he leaves you alone with your drawing session. Your heart is beating so fast and you don’t know why but one things for sure, you find Yuta attractive. Really attractive.

The next day, you made sure to buy soft pastels and it did made your life easier. You wanted to thanked him but he didn’t come to school for two days. It really is useful to you, it made you work faster and easier, you couldn’t stop drawing and filling your sketchbook with colors.

After three days, he made his appearance again in school and he looked like shit. Maybe he got sick? That’s why he haven’t been showing up. Whatever the reason is, it made you shy to talk to him and tell him all about the things you already create with colors that he recommended. But destiny was being a little too friendly, he caught you again sketching your heart out at the bleachers.

“You work fast” he came out of nowhere again.

“Yes! Actually I’ve been meaning to talk to you, but you seem not well I couldn’t bother you” he smiled at you like there’s nothing wrong, “If you want, I could show you some of mine, a- at home if you want” you noticed he’s being friendly and who are you to refuse.

Yuta brought you to his house, just five streets from your home. Turns out Yuta is rich... and alone, he lives with his Japanese butler, Ruka. “My family is in Japan if you’re wondering” he tells more information about him while you two walk upstairs to his room. The house is simple but it was too spacious, it feels lonely and cold but you kept that thought to yourself. Good thing Yuta’s room is full of colors, different kind of masterpiece are put up on his wall, lots and lots of drawing and coloring materials neatly stacked on his working table, and a beautiful view of the town from his window.

“Uhm, if you need something from my stuff I’ll gladly give it to you” still amazed by what you’re seeing right now, all you want to do is look at all of his works. “Wow - that’s uhm, too much but I’m happy you can introduce me to a lot of art materials” you can’t hide your excitement, everything in his desks looks new to your eyes and you can’t help but ask questions about different materials. ‘What’s this for?’ ‘How do you use this?’

Not to mention you’ve been praising his works for almost half an hour already. He’s happy that you find him as a great artist and that you’re willing to be friends with him, seeing you in his room gives him hope. Ruka knocked at Yuta’s door and invited you to have dinner with them, you didn’t notice it’s already dark and you definitely need to go home already. But you didn’t want to leave Yuta yet, “Sure. I’d love to”

Even the smell of their freshly cooked dinner is new to you, since their both Japanese they only eat Japanese food everyday. “I hope you like Japanese food, I asked him to order takeout but Ruka insists. Told me you should try his cooking” he whispers beside you while Ruka is busy preparing the table. “It’s fine, I don’t get to eat Japanese food always so I don’t mind” you smiled to Yuta, taking away his worries.

The food was delicious, and the dinner table was full of laughter and stories from Ruka. They were both exchanging stories, telling you too much information you don’t need to know, but they tell you anyway. You found out that Yuta plays soccer and he’s a really good player, he’s an impulsive buyer when it comes to his art materials and your favorite information for the night, Yuta has seventeen piercings. The three of you laughed and laughed the whole dinner time while enjoying the delicious Udon and a lot of deep fried seafood.

Later that night Yuta walked you home and endlessly thanked you for spending time with him. “Everything that happened today is so random, but I could get used to this” you said, secretly hoping you could spend some more time with him. “This is my house. I would normally invite you to come in, but its pretty late - which reminds me” your voice and your hands were shaking, pretty sure you’re blushing too. “We have this thing every Friday. Me and my family- uhh, just meet me here at 7?” How brave of you to ask.

If Yuta could only shout and scream from happiness he would, instead he just gave you a nod and a sweet smile before he waved goodbye to you. “See you tomorrow” he shouts before you get inside.

There’s no way of hiding it, you have a crush on Yuta. And you cant ruin this wonderful friendship by being obvious, you told yourself. The next day you made an effort to look cute, “so much for not being obvious” you talk to yourself through the mirror. As you get on with your day, you can’t stop thinking how Yuta is a complete charmer and a really nice guy. Gentleman enough to walk you home in the middle of the night and smiling so sweetly before he leaves.

Yuta on the other hand, has been asking about you to his friends. It’s either they tell him that you’re smart, pretty and popular or they tell him that you are the former captain of the squad. No one told him the things that he single handedly found out about you. In Yuta’s eyes you’re this simple girl that has her life all planned out already. He understood the whole popularity thing because whats not to love about you?

Hiding his excitement, he was pretty early but you told him it’s perfectly fine. Your family adored Yuta, they were all talking nonstop the whole night asking questions about Japan. Which made you worry actually, what if Yuta was hurting and he misses his family or miss Japan in general. Yuta seemed to enjoy everyone’s company, at least that’s what you think and you could only hope that he’s not faking it.

“Sorry, this is the least I can do. The dinner last night was so great, I wanted to invite you over” you brought him to your room so you could have some privacy. Which is not normal. The last guy you brought to your room was Jaehyun, and that happened two years ago.

He was busy looking around your room with an amused smile, looking at the pictures taken from crazy parties, cheerleading competitions, and basically every important event of your life. Yuta let out a small laugh when he saw your cheerleading uniform framed and hanged on your wall.

“What’s so funny about it?” you giggle while you both look at the framed uniform.

“I’ve never seen something like this before, I guess I’m amazed” to be honest he really is amazed that your uniform became something like a trophy that you display around your room. “I bet you look good wearing it” he was smiling while looking at you when he said that. Suddenly the room became hot.

“You should smile more often, your smile is nice” to divert the attention, of course you praised him again.

“If you think my smile is beautiful, you should’ve seen yours” there’s no getting away with that so you just accepted it.

On the following days, you’ve been spending more time with Yuta talking, drawing and getting to know each other more. And the more you spend time with him, your feelings grow and grow. In a matter of weeks, you’re sure you’ve completely fallen in love with him.

He became your friend, in fact your only friend since you left cheerleading. Every friend of yours is either a cheerleader or jock, given that they’re all athletes, they don’t have time for you anymore. That’s why you think Yuta is a life saver.

Not long ago, you discovered about Yuta’s drug addiction. Weed, Meth, Heroin, all kinds. Maybe that’s why sometimes he’s so spaced out and he miss school a lot. “Yuta’s parents sent him here because of his drug addiction, only he can help himself” Ruka explained to you over coffee while Yuta is out doing whatever he’s doing. Even though he has problems, you still stick with him. He’s still a nice guy who loves his art, the same nice guy your family adored. With or without drugs.

One night, you were playing Jenga with him on his bedroom floor with a few bottle of beers and snacks on the side. “I’m going to win, I’m good at this” he totally loves teasing you whenever you two get competitive with each other. “You wish. Okay my turn” you said after drinking your beer in one down, but the Jenga tower fell off and Yuta laughed so hard he has tears on his eyes. He saw your face completely pissed off as you open another beer and building the tower again for another game.

“Who’s Jaehyun?” you were surprised at his question, something a student from your school wouldn’t dare ask because the whole school knows him.

“Oh right, you’re a transferee” he sat up and sat closer to you, legs crossed and both arms are supporting him on the floor “Uhm. He’s my ex. We’ve been together for two years? I think. And then I broke with him, over the summer because I don’t love him anymore - the breakup was mutual, if you’re wondering” He nods, and ready to ask you another question.

“Do you like someone now?” he reached for your hand which made you stop building the tower and intertwined it with his. You wonder why he’s suddenly so bold and confident. You nod, completely speechless.

“Is it me?” Yuta bravely asks, and you nod without hesitation.

He reached for your lips and kissed you gently, cupping your face as his thumb swipes on your cheeks admiring your beauty. Time stopped the moment you touch lips and you feel the happiness in your stomach balls up, ready to explode.

“This is probably wrong”

And suddenly that happiness you felt was replaced by confusion. He pull away from your touch leaving you so confused and still in shock. “What’s so wrong about this?” you asked him while getting him to look you in the eyes, tugging his arm so he wont’s get too far.

“I’m a drug addict y/n. You can’t be with someone like me. Cliché as it sounds but, I’m scared to ruin your life. You’re this perfect person who I happen to meet at football field and you’re just nice enough to welcome me in your life”

He looks frustrated and confused as you are but you knew damn well that meeting him is something you don’t regret. “You don’t get to push me away just because you decided to be honest with your feelings and somehow decided to be a coward afterwards” it wasn’t easy to stay calm but you tried so hard, your grip on his hand was becoming tighter and he noticed it. “I like you! And you make me happy. You’re the one who put color in my life, well literally and figuratively. But my point is, don’t throw us away” you decided to be brave and kissed him again. This time, hungrier and full of need. You sat on his lap and pushed him down slowly all the way to the floor. Hands all over each other, switching positions and rolling on the floor without stopping the kiss.

It was not a surprise for everyone when you went public, they already foresee what’s going on between you two. Your family still adored Yuta just like how they adored him from the first time they met him. The whole popularity problem in school completely changed in a good way because of Yuta. More people from school are talking to you now, they’re not scared or shy to be friends with you anymore because Yuta somehow changed everyone’s perspective. With Yuta you’re this normal person who’s happy to be with his boyfriend.

Happy days are nothing but pure laughter and great memories with Yuta. Movie night with Yuta and Ruka with a bunch of Japanese treats on the side is your new Friday night schedule. And inviting Yuta and Ruka for family dinner during special occasions has been a thing that made Yuta happy. He told you he’s a sucker for spending time with family but his family is in Japan and he can’t go home until he’s clean. That was the night you decided that you will never leave Yuta’s side.

Yuta is this bright color that made your life even more colorful. He is this man, full of surprises and definitely no dull moment. You learned how to take care of him in your own ways without making him feel sorry for himself. Vulnerable, important and ordinary, that’s what he made you feel. And by ordinary, you mean no social pressure from the people around you. Just two normal people who fell in love in a normal way. Sometimes, situations can be a handful but it was never a problem for the both of you. Yes he has drug issues but for you, Yuta deserves to be loved. And no one can stop you from loving him.

Your love for each other grew and grew until you reach being intimate with each other.

It was raining hard and the wind was strong, you decided to stay over at Yuta’s house. Already washed up and fresh, you wait for your boyfriend in his bed as he turned off the lights in his room and replaced it with scented candles.

“You look comfortable there” he giggle as he crawls in bed and sat beside you leaning on his headboard. It’s chilly and cold in Yuta’s room, you cant help but be closer to him. Closer as possible.

“You like that?” You hum and nod with eyes closed to answer him. Surprisingly, he kissed you and your eyes opened only to see Yuta’s handsome face close to yours. The kiss was slow and you were both taking time savouring this quiet memory. It went on like that for some time, until the kiss became wet and needy. He hungrily kissed you bitting and licking your lips. Hands creeping just under your shirt, all the way to your clothed boobs and skilfully unclasps your bra. Gently kneading your right boob and doing a circular motion on your nipple.

“We’ve never gone this far” you said as you catch your breath, and went back to kissing him a little bit slowly this time.

“Do you think its time?” He managed to ask you in between those soft kisses, giving you sweet pecks. You nod excitedly. “Sit between my legs” you followed what he told you, completely clueless on what he’s going to do next.

“Spread your legs wide” it suddenly became hotter as you spread your legs nervously. Your head is resting on his shoulder, back against his chest, heart beating so fast as you wait for his next move. “Yuta, can you kiss me?” your voice cracked but he just smiled, and shook his head. “Not until you remove your shorts and panties” and so you did. Hurriedly removing your thin shorts and laced panties, throwing them on the floor.

The moment his finger had contact with your wet slit you gasp and grabbed his shoulder gripping it tightly as you moan. You feel like this is new to you but it isn’t, of course you’re not a virgin anymore and Jaehyun did a fair share on that. “Yuta- Ah! Baby I’m almost there” with heavy breaths and sharp gasps, you warn him and at the same time stopping yourself from cumming too early.

“Wider” he said so calmly, you followed spreading your legs wider. Fingers drilling a little harder than before and you finally let go. Shivering and catching your breath, eyelids already heavy. He licks your parted mouth as you enjoy your high, filthy but fucking hot. His breath smells like mint.

“You seem so calm the whole time you were finger fucking me” with all the energy left in your body, you went back to laying on his side.

“Yeah well my cock isn’t” he kissed you on the forehead and tells you, “i love you, you sound beautiful the whole time. I was busy listening to you”

You have something on your mind right now that you’re somehow scared to ask because he might refuse, “I have a question” you sat up and sat on his lap. Your legs and pussy are still exposed, and you’re making Yuta’s cock even more hard. “Why did you not ever asked me to have sex with you?”

“Well will you have sex with me baby?” Just like that, straightforward and calm like the Yuta you know. You were both giggling like little kids for some time while waiting for your answer. It’s not that you don’t want to but you were just shy to say your answer out loud.

“You’re shy, aren’t you?” of course he knew you’re being shy. He’s your boyfriend who happens to know everything about you. “Well, I’m horny” he sat up to reach your lips, kissing you gently but enough to prove that he is horny. Slowly his kisses went to your neck, making you moan softly. But you pull away not telling him anything. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking right. Please don’t be mad-“

To his surprise, you removed your shirt and your unclasped bra. Now you’re fully naked on top of your boyfriend, “It’s not fair that I’m the only ones naked here, baby” you grab the end of his shirt and helped him to removed it. “You scared me” he managed to tell you in between hungry kisses, “you’re so in trouble” he added and pushed you on the mattress.

Laughing like a little girl, while Yuta is busy kissing your naked body beneath him. Your head is dangling on the edge of the bed seeing his room upside down. His cock is poking your thigh the moment he’s on top of you naked, and you’re positive that it made you nervous. “Baby, I think your cock wont fit me” your boyfriend was amused by what you just said, “It will” is the only response he said before licking your nipples and sucking them gently. He grabbed your right leg putting it on his shoulder and kneeled in between your legs, lining his cock in your entrance.

Slowly he pushed his cock inside you making you bite your hand and close your eyes to stop yourself from moaning too loud. “See? it fits” Yuta is doing the opposite, he’s groaning with every thrust he give you letting out sounds you didn’t know he can make. Whimpering like a little boy beside your neck, you can hear him clearly. As his pace goes faster you were losing your mind at how good he fucks you for the first time.

“Don’t fucking stop” with heavy breath and gasp, you reached for his neck and encircled your arms around him. Legs spreading wider for him, moans becoming a little bit louder. The bed is shaking you’re sure Ruka can hear you both.

“Y/n, if you don’t stop moaning like that- I swear” his thrust became quicker and sharper leaving you speechless. Your pussy clenched the whole time trying to fight the sensation and trying so hard not to be on edge yet. But it’s a battle you can’t win, Yuta is so good at making you let go. You didn’t say that you were cumming but he can tell because your legs were already shaking and you were grabbing everything you can on bed and gripping it a little too hard. He pulls out and pumped his cock in front of you making his cum land perfectly on your boobs. Just the sight of his cum on your beautiful body, makes him hard again.

You grabbed him with both hands through the neck, and pull him on your chest kissing him a little too harsh. Filthy as it looks but you don’t care. You spread your legs again and put a hand in between the two of you and grabbed his hard cock. Pushing it inside you again, he let you do what you want. In a matter of seconds, he’s inside you again.

“I was disappointed, you didn’t cum inside me” you pout and he thrust again without a single word making your head roll back again, smiling like a fool because you got want you want. Yuta fucked you again, but this time rougher and he get to cum inside you.

“Sorry if I didn’t cum inside you earlier” he kissed your forehead while you calm down from your orgasm. You still can’t talk and you’re still catching your breath, all you can do is smile as you wait for your legs to stop shaking.

And that was the start of having sex with Yuta with every chance you get. Making out in your room that leads to sex before doing homework. Watching the sunset through his window still naked and all over each other. Sex was different with Yuta, it was damn wild and filthy but full of love. Something you never felt before.

Whenever you’re busy working on something in the art room and Yuta needed to fetch you there, you make out with him for some time because he missed you already. Even though anyone can just enter and catch you two, he never cared.

If you’re not allowed to go out on a Friday night, he will sneak up to your room through your open window while you were sleeping and kiss you quietly until you wake up. You love having quiet sex with Yuta in your room because its funny how you two try to stop moaning too loud. On top of that, he needed to stop himself from fucking you too hard and remind him to go slow from time to time.

Your fear of giving him a blowjob because you’re not that confident with it completely changed when one day you were just so hungry for his cock and you went down on your knees and gave him a blowjob for the first time. That’s during lunch and you brought him to the locker room where you and Jaehyun used to make out before practice. To your surprise Yuta came three times in your mouth, for some reason he loved it. From there on he always ask you for a blowjob and you always gladly give him what he wants.

If there are days with him that are nothing but pure happiness, of course there are days that are almost impossible to bare. All you can do is be strong and keep your patience long, remind yourself that you love Yuta no matter what happens. You really don’t know where it all started, or what triggered him to go back on drugs but you noticed he’s been busy and he’s not telling you the whole truth whenever you ask him ‘what’s up?’

After spending six beautiful months together, suddenly Yuta is gone again for days. He’s been missing a lot again and that can only mean he’s out somewhere taking drugs or he’s taking drugs and he’s in trouble. When you came to his house, Ruka was stopping you from entering the house but you insist.

“What is it Ruka?” you know he’s hiding something from you and Yuta is inside. So you shout from the outside, forcing Yuta to come out. He did. Limping and face all beat up. You’re not mad or disappointed, you were simply worried about him. “He got home this morning, and he’s still high from drugs. I don’t think this is a great time y/n.”

You look at each other’s eyes from a far, both hurt but yours is not physical. Broken heart, that’s what pains you. It’s hard to step away from his house, looking in his eyes full of hurt. Deep down you know he wanted to hug your kiss but he can’t because he can’t fucking move and he’s too humiliated.

What you saw today was too much and you needed a breather. It’s good that its Friday, you can be with your friends and somehow divert your mind. “People can get beaten up with a lot of reasons specially when drugs is involved” Johnny says while drinking his beer and playing beer pong with the others. “Don’t think about it too much, he’s going to be okay” Yeeun shouts from another side of the table. All of your friends were supportive with the relationship you have with Yuta even though they know about his drug problems. You spent days being with your friends while Yuta is recovering and there’s not a day where you don’t check up on him.

A week passed already and theres still no sign of Yuta. You can’t just show up in front of his house again, you didn’t want to disturb his recovery. Besides, school works are pilling up you need to focus studying and finishing some of the requirements. Your mind is buried into Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet and you didn’t notice you passed out. When you woke up, you found Yuta beside you all snuggled up and waiting for you to open your eyes.

“Am I dreaming?” you closed your eyes and opened them again, no you’re not dreaming. He smile a little, you figure he’s still in pain. “Are you alright now? How did you get in?” you sat up to check his face and his arm. “I’m alright, I just needed to see you. I can’t take it anymore. I missed you so much” he reached for your hands and kissed your knuckles. He pats the mattress telling you to come lay with him in bed, and you did. Fingers intertwined and bodies close to each other, just how you like it.

“Why do you stay with me? You’re this perfect girl that fell in love with an addict”

For some reason you were scared of how he asked you that question. It almost felt like he’s going to leave you. There was a minute of complete silence before you answer him, “Because thats what you do if u love someone. You don’t give up on them. And just so you know I love you, and Im in love with you”

He chuckled but still careful not to overdo it because of the bruises in his face, “I know. I know that all too well” he placed his hand just above your jaw, and left a kiss on your forehead. “I’m trying to be better for you so I wont have to leave you eventually and go to fucking rehab. I can do this right?” hearing Yuta say that made you realise you were wrong about him wanting to leave you. He doesn’t want to leave, he wanted to be better for you. You kissed him on the lips pouring everything from the past couple of weeks in it. The kiss was wet but it wasn’t because of spit, but because of tears.

After what happened, he tried being clean but he just ends up taking drugs over and over again. There was a time that you caught him taking cocaine in his bathroom and he shut the door with a loud slam and told you to go home. Seeing him do things like that pains you to the core. He never wanted to hurt you like this, he never pushed you away because deep down he wanted to be better and if that happens he wants you to be on his side.

A week before prom, Yuta made sure he’s clean and he promised you he will never ruin prom night for you. As a way of celebrating for being fourteen days clean and spending time with each other, you had sex after a wonderful night spent with Yuta.

“Fuck I missed being inside you” he whispers behind your ear while his fucking you with a steady pace. As always, the way he fucks you can make you lose your mind and smile like a fool while moaning and gasping at the same time. You closed your eyes as you let go of the feeling and cum for the first time tonight, the moment you open your eyes you see Yuta’s eyes closed completely blown by the frenzy on being on edge. And bleeding.

His nose is bleeding uncontrollably.

“Baby- you need to stop” opening his eyes to ask if he hurt you, he saw the blood on your boobs, completely panicking. “Did I do this to you baby- where does it hurt?” you were crying already, not talking to him as you quickly wore your clothes and screamed for help, calling Ruka as loud as you can.

Yuta was completely clueless but his head was spinning and he feels so weak suddenly. “Baby! Don’t close your eyes, you can die- please stay with me” you were practically slapping his face to keep him awake as you help him wear his pants.

Everything happened so fast the moment you see his nose bleeding nonstop. You and Ruka rushed him to the hospital as quickly as you can. You were alone at the waiting lounge as Ruka takes care of everything Yuta needs to stay in the hospital.

All of your friends weren’t picking up because maybe they’re sleeping and tired from practice. But one person picked up and made his way to the hospital and brought you some clothes as soon as he can.

“I’m sorry Jaehyun, I didn’t know anyone else to call. I cant just simply call my family” Jaehyun was holding you close and comforting you as you cry for a whole hour. After changing to clean clothes, Ruka called you in to talk to Yuta. While Jaehyun is hesitating to come with you, “Jae, come on its okay. He’ll be happy to see you”

You were happy to see Yuta completely awake and smiling once you opened the door and entered the room with Jaehyun. You sat beside Yuta and kissed him on the forehead, “the sex was so good, you made me bleed” he joked around making all three of you laugh and you tear up again. “What’s happening to you?” you weren’t sure you wanted to know but you do know it’s nothing good.

“I’m fine baby, no need to worry” of course he will not tell you what’s going on because he didn’t want to make you worry. “Thank you Jaehyun. For being with her” Jaehyun nods at him and pats Yuta’s arm.

Suddenly your excitement for prom is replaced with worries for Yuta’s health. He needs to stay in the hospital for a week, and that covers prom. “We’re still on for prom right?” you were laying with him on the hospital bed as he shower you with kisses. If there’s anything he hates more than anything, that is making you disappointed. “Of course” you kissed him back, making him blush. “Can’t wait to see you crowed, Prom Queen” even though that’s not important to you anymore, you just nod and rolled your eyes on him.

He did got out from the hospital a day before prom, leaving him with only a day to rest. Ruka got him a nice tux that fits him really well, and you on the other hand tried to forget things that happened last week that completely ruined your prom excitement.

After working so hard on your hair and makeup, you finished getting ready just in time for your friends to pick you up. But Yuta is not yet here, when he’s supposed to be here already an hour before your friends arrived. “I think you guys should go, I’ll wait for him a little longer. I’ll see you there, okay?” you wave goodbye to your friends as you wait for Yuta on your porch.

You called Ruka to ask about Yuta, hoping maybe he just got problems with his tux. “Hey, Ruka uhm, is Yuta still there?” his answer broke your heart. The excitement was replaced with worries again, you called Yuta’s phone a hundred times but he never picks up.

A car parked in front of your house, hoping it’s Yuta. But it’s not, it’s Jaehyun. He drove to your house because he was worried, “What’s happening?” he worriedly asked. You were still trying to call Yuta’s phone, still no answer.

“Come one y/n, I’ll take you to prom” Jaehyun offered, but as much as you wanted to accept his offer Yuta’s excitement from the other day, flashed in your mind and you know you can’t go.

“I can’t Jae, thank you and I know you mean nothing but kindness. I’ll wait for Yuta here, he will get hurt if I go without him” Jaehyun didn’t really want to leave you but you made your choice.

The moment Jaehyun left, your tears finally fall. You were crying when your mom gave you a blanket and invited you to go wait for him inside. “I’m fine, thanks for the blanket” you were so hurt to even move. And you’re not hurt because he ditched you to prom, you’re hurt because you can’t reach him and you’re worried for him. A lot of things may have happened to him and that’s what worries you.

A week later, Ruka met you after school and told you that Yuta is finishing high school through home study under your school’s supervision. “He’s still part of the school, I’ll convince him to attend graduation. But,” something bad is about to happen, you thought. “he wanted me tell you that, he’s breaking up with you” and that’s it. You burst into tears after hearing the bad news. It was so hard to breath, hearing those words from Ruka and not directly from Yuta. But you trust Yuta’s decision and maybe it’s for the best. With a heavy heart, you hugged Ruka goodbye and left without another word.

You tried putting up a big smile during graduation and hugging everyone you knew all throughout high school, except for one important person. A week after graduation, you left for college. Still with a heavy heart but you wanted to move on and have a fresh start.

Ten years later

It’s impossible to forget your first love specially if that someone made an impact to your life. You’re sitting on the very spot where you met Yuta remembering how you were charmed by his smile. Mouthing the exact same words he told you before introducing himself first, ‘You should try using soft pastels, they’re more easier to blend’ smiling after you realised you’re completely a fool for still dwelling from the past.

You shrug it of and decided to go back to your high school reunion, maybe people are already looking for you. You stood up from the bleacher, “hi” and you almost fell from where you were standing and the person in front of you is to blame.

“I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m sorry” you told the man that it’s okay and you should get going, not even bothering to look who he might be. It’s weird that the man isn’t letting go of your hand, “Excuse me. I need my hand-“ your heart beats fast like the moment you first saw him. Nothings changed that’s for sure, except his hair color.

“Yuta” your eyes were full of tears but you were smiling the whole time. He pulled you in for a tight hug, holding you close like how he used to. It feels like a dream, you thought. A dream that you never want to end. Catching up with lost time, you spend the night with him forgetting about the high school reunion and watching over the same blue sky you used to look at years and years ago from his room.

He’s now an owner of a popular art gallery in Japan, which you happened to know about. “No way! You own that place, I went there just last year for work” he nods, and told you he knew. And he can’t believe you’re standing inside his art gallery. “I got scared. That’s why I didn’t talked to you” then you remember, on that day you were supposed to meet the owner of the gallery, “That’s why we talked to your secretary instead of the owner… which is you” he was nodding the whole time like a fool. It’s fun laughing the whole night not minding the time, he’s the same man you fell in love with.

“We missed prom because I was busy getting high” he suddenly blurted out when the both of you was silent.

“I went to your house I saw you waiting for me outside, crying because I ditched you” he’s wrong, you were crying that time because you were worried sick. But you saved your explanation for later, for now you just wanted him to explain his part.

“And I know I’m ten years late but, you look beautiful in that red lipstick. And oh! That dress on you, Mmm! I was admiring you from a far, and you were perfect” there he is again, making you laugh “and me I was high that time and I couldn’t ruin your night even more. I cant ruin your life even more” he reached for your hand and kissed it like he used to.

“That was my breaking point. After I finished the home study program, I begged my mom to put me in rehab, I want to be better for you. As always y/n. But as I got better I figured maybe you forgot about me already so I focused on getting better for myself. Went to college, had a job and now this. All better. Never want to go back” he left you speechless again, but he deserves to know the truth.

“Im sorry Yuta, I didn’t know. But for the record I was crying because I just wanted to see you that time. It doesn’t matter if you were high as a kite. I couldn’t care less about prom. I was waiting for you until the sun goes up and you never showed up. I was blaming myself maybe, I didn’t loved you enough thats why you left”

“No no, don’t say that. You were more than enough” tears never stopped falling from your eyes and Yuta hated seeing you cry. So he kissed you on the lips for the first time again for so many years. You rest your forehead on his, taking time to process everything that’s happening right now. Completely aware of what’s running in your mind right now he suggests to take things slow before coming back to each other’s lives again.

“Take all the time you need. I’m sorry. I swear I’ll never leave again”

................................................. Masterlist

Thank you for reading if you get up to this point hihi. Million thanks to every reader like you.

I had a hard time finishing this fic because the word count is originally, 9k+ and I’m not sure if my readers are up for that long fic... because I usually post fics that are 6k max long. But I guess it is what it is.

Hope someone enjoyed this fic huhu

#nct-writers #nct yuta #nct yuta smut #yuta smut #yuta nakamoto x reader #yuta nakamoto smut #nct angst #nct yuta angst #yuta angst #nct smut #nct aus #nct au #smut

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im-the-punk-who · 4 years

Note

Hi! I’m new to the fandom and I’m simply curious (not trying to start a feud or anything), why don’t you like Steinberg?

Hello dear anon! And welcome to the fandom!

Oof. That’s a question. xD

I’m going to try and stay as uh. neutral as possible. Because I’ve already written the post I know I failed but, the intent in answering this is also not to start a feud or hurt anyone’s feelings.

Okay, so I got fairly negative in this chilis tonight, so I want to start by saying that even in light of the opinions I’m about to express, Black Sails is one of, if not my number one, favorite TV shows of all time. Certainly in recent memory - I’ve been hyperfixating on this show for 18 months with no sign of stopping, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for everyone who worked on the show - even Steinberg. (The one exclusion is Michael Bay, he can go twist.)

AND I think Stienberg is an incredibly talented writer. Black Sails is one of my favorite shows because it does such a wonderful job of weaving stories, creating characters, and melding things in a way that is both unexpected and makes sense narratively. I have changed as a person because of the show, and they will have to pry James McGraw and Thomas Hamilton from my cold dead knives-attached-to-them hands. None of what I’m going to say is meant to detract from that.

I will also say that a lot of these issues are not particular to Steinberg and are in fact a systemic problem with American TV + Film. And I’m not leaving Robert Levine out of my criticism, it’s just that Steinberg had the biggest hand in the pot(he wrote a full half the episodes) and a lot of what I’ve heard as far as talking about the show comes from Steinberg. So, he gets the brunt. But it isn’t that I think Steinberg was the only problematic element of the show.

Also, these are all my opinions and are colored by how I interact with my fandoms. I am not only a fandom veteran, but I work and pretty much live in the entertainment industry. I work in indie film and theatre and am surrounded by artists and creators of all walks of life, like, constantly. I know what is possible, and when I see something that can be improved, I want to note it because it is important to me to always be striving forward. Like Miranda says about Thomas, this isn’t out of malice, or out of hate. It’s because I genuinely love this show, and I love entertainment as a whole, and I think in order to get to a better, more inclusive industry we have to have hard conversations and look critically at the media we consume, and it is frustrating to me to time and again see the same faces in the room.

But if that isn’t your cuppa, that’s fine! Fandom isn’t meant to be stressful and if all you want to do is watch a show about gay pirates that is your tomato and I applaud you. Have at it you funky motherfucker.

OH! One more. At some point I’m going to talk about Silverflint. When I do, it is NOT meant as a ‘you shouldn’t/cant ship this’ or ‘this pairing is bad’ or any negative attack on the people who ship that pairing. My criticisms in this post are exclusively about what it means for Steinberg as a writer and Black Sails’ representation of gay and mlm men. While it’s not my cuppa, this is a sail your own ship blog.

OKAY! SO!

My main criticisms of Steinberg & Co boil down to:

The homozygosity of the writers and directors shows a complete lack of desire to include marginalized people in the writing of a show that is about them. Which leads to:

The centering of white men while choosing a historical setting and time period that was in fact dominated by people of color and specifically a black woman,

The gratuitous inclusion of violence against women, particularly sexual violence, and again, that the female characters are often sidelined for the central male characters.

SO.

Black Sails is a show centered around queer, female, and black leads, and yet there were only two non white-male directors (one bi-racial man and one white woman) and only 7 female writers - one of whom was Latina. The entire rest of the major creative staff was white men. I’m not going to comment on sexualities but none of the writers or directors are out as queer according to a quick google search.

Let me reiterate the important bit there.

In Black Sails, where the last two seasons specifically feature around a real, actually-happened-in-history event that shaped black history in the Caribbean, there was not a single black writer on the entire show.

This is the main difference between inclusion for inclusion’s sake, and actually centering marginalized voices. Black Sails has a ton of gay, POC, and female rep in front of the camera but practically zero representation behind it, which leads to storylines and implications that Steinberg and his writers, as white men, simply would never realize.

It’s like why Silver and Miranda never realized the true reasons James was waging war on England. They just did not have the life experiences to realize they were missing a piece of the puzzle, and so they filled in their own without even realizing they’d done so.

Because no one in the room of Black Sails was a part of these marginalized identities, nuances get lost or mistranslated, motivations get muddled through a white man’s gaze(or a straight person’s) and implications that someone within those communities might think is obvious won’t even come up.

And again, because there were no writers or directors of color in the last two seasons (the biracial man directed episodes 2x02 and 2x04 - WHICH MAKES SENSE IMO) the entirety of the historical lore that the show bases itself on in its latter half is filtered through a white man’s lens. And so there is no discussion of how changing something changes the meaning, how leaving someone out or changing their role to be more minor might affect people for whom that is their heritage. How the entire story they’re telling might change with one simple exclusion or addition.

So, how does this relate directly to Steinberg, you ask? Well, simply, because it was his show.

Steinberg(and Levine) were involved in every major decision about the show, from its conception, to the script, to choosing the writers and directors. They chose how they wanted the show to look, to think, what stories to tell and how they wanted to tell them. Their decisions(and the biases that formed those decisions) are woven into the show.

And look. I don’t for a second believe any of this was willful or malicious. I don’t think that John Steinberg and Robert Levine sat down one day and said ‘you know what would make the gays really angry? If we locked the only two canonically gay men up in a prison camp.’

But the decisions that were made in the show were based in ignorance in a way that shows more than just simple negligence or laziness(especially given the attention to detail in everything else). The things they leave out or change in the Maroon War plotline for instance are not small details easily missed. They are big, giant waving flags. They are things that are irreplaceable to still have the same events and stories and tell them respectfully.

It shows an insane amount of privilege to, for instance, write a show airing during a time when the Black Lives Matter movement was at the forefront of the American conscience, include black characters and black storylines, and yet not include a single black voice on their creative team.

In a show that centers a gay man’s love and his journey in attempting to process the horrible things done to him and his lover because of it, we are given just forty minutes of the entire show dedicated to their relationship - and just fifteen of those minutes actually feature the lover!

(Relatedly, the entirety of the gay romantic rep is two kisses, and a forehead touch. That’s the entirety of your gay intimacy representation. And yet there are in the first two seasons alone - because that’s all I’ve clocked so far - something like twenty seven minutes of scenes involving a naked or half naked woman. Five minutes of that is explicitly wlw sex.

Again, I just want to reiterate this because it’s important in recognizing bias.

There is fully twice as much female nudity in the first two seasons, as the entirety of the time the two gay characters have together on screen. )

Steinberg is a perfect example of how a lack of understanding why the diversity you are representing is important, matters. I dislike Steinberg because he, just like every other straight white cis man I have known, profited off of marginalized voices without including them or creating with them in mind.

Art does not exist in a vacuum. You cannot create something - especially something as back breakingly, intensely a labor of love as Black Sails - without putting several pieces of yourself into it. But those pieces color your narrative. They will expose things about you that you don’t even realize. And it’s in these places we are weakest, and why a diverse group of writers with a diverse group of experiences can help a piece be stronger. But for whatever reason, John Steinberg thought that he could make art with only people who looked and thought and experienced like him.

The lack of representation behind the camera in Black Sails was evident in front of it and yet Steinberg is out here getting to pretend like he created the most inclusive groundbreaking show that ever existed. It is important to me, personally, to acknowledge that. And that it kind of makes my skin crawl in the way all media made by straight white (cis)men makes my skin crawl. I wish I didn’t have to feel that way about my favorite tv show just because it was created by a man of privilege, but here we are.

SO. I hope that helped? Feel free to take what you want and leave what you don’t!

Below the cut is a more in depth look at things that I think show what I’m talking about, but that up there ^^ is the gist. <3 |D

SURPRISE!

The Maroons and the Maroon War

So the first thing I want to point out is that the Maroon War was a real thing that happened. It lasted ten years, and resulted in the most substantial victory the Maroons ever achieved against the British. Not only that, there was in fact a KICKIN’ badass female leader of the maroons named Queen Nanny, who is to this day honored as a national hero in Jamaica. While they weren’t able to drive the British out, the outcome of this war led to a mostly self-governing Maroon population in Jamaica from the mid 1700s on. This was a long term fight that had a very tangible and real outcome, even if it didn’t end in the destruction of colonialism.

And what is this war turned into in Black Sails? A white ‘madman’s revenge’ that is doomed to failure after six months.

That, my dear pirates, is a problem for me. (And those familiar with my brand of spiceyness know that I do not ascribe to the ‘Flint is a Madman’ trope, but that IS what Steinberg ascribes to, what he seems to have written the show thinking.)

There was no narrative reason to include the Maroon War in the narrative of Black Sails. The Maroon War didn’t happen until a decade after the Golden Age of Piracy, and aside from Silver’s wife being a black woman there is no mention of Silver ever having contact with them. To me, this feels like the choice of a showrunner who found a cool historical event and saw a chance to up the stakes of their white male heroes while getting in some sweet sweet POC rep.

Except that they then took the major events of the Maroon War and gave them to their white characters, Flint and Silver.

Here’s the thing. If you’re going to take a piece of culturally important history and use it for your show, you NEED to have sensitivity writers. You need to have people who are at least familiar with those events and who care about them to do them justice. Have an expert come in and read your script or go over your ideas. Or just like. Hire a black writer. Hire ONE black writer. As a treat.

The important Maroon figures, Nanny, Cudjoe, and Quao, all get sidelined or ‘sexified’ and then used as plot points for the white characters. Nanny gets split into two women - the older mother queen and Madi, the young naive warbent visionary. Quao(Mr. Scott is the closest, or Kofi possibly) gets killed off because the writers realized they didn’t exactly have a place for him in their writing. Cudjoe(Julius) gets a few scenes and one good speech but his entire role in the war gets given to Silver. And THEN. That sexy Queen Madi figure gets used as emotional bait for Silver and then has to learn he has betrayed her and destroyed the hope and freedom she had wanted to bring to her people.

Gross, pirates. Gross.

Anne Bonny/Max/Mary Read - a heads up, this section includes a semi in-depth discussion of both Max and Anne’s sexual assaults. If that bothers you, the paragraphs talking about that begin with a ***

COOL NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT LESBIANS. Words my 20 year old self would never have imagined coming out of my mouth.

Specifically, I want to talk about Max, and Anne, and their backstories both involving extreme sexual trauma at the hands of men. And then Mary Read and the once again sexification of female characters.

(Actually while I’m here another criticism I have of Steinberg is that his writing does not seem to recognize how queer people existed in the past - again, likely because he didn’t have any gay historians to be like ‘actually buddy that doesn’t make sense also why is Anne not dressing as a man? If you want to fuck with anything and insert modern day terminology and ideas into this show, make her non binary and REALLY piss off the hetties.’)

(This same ficitonal gay dramaturg who is definitely not me has also questioned John Steinberg repeatedly about where Mary Read is, unsatisfied with the answer ‘well we wanted her to be hot so we made her a sex worker and then had Anne have to rescue her but then we realized it would be weird not to include her actual character so we gave her a five second cameo at the very end of the series and also made her like 13.’)

Anyway! So my main point in bringing up Anne and Max is the sexual trauma they are exposed to in the show, particularly being that they are the two primary wlw in the show, who Steinberg has said he views as being completely gay, and what THAT whole unexamined idea looks like.

***Max. My dear Max. There was literally no reason to have her be repeatedly r*ped(and for the love of god there was even less reason to make it that gratuitous and graphic). Max being assaulted like that did not add anything to the gravity of Eleanor’s betrayal. The traumatic event was being tossed aside by Eleanor, and that could have been just as emotionally damaging without the sexual assault. And the only reason for her to be continually assaulted was to bring her and Anne together.

***The reason imo that Max’s r*pe plot was added was because it was the only thing these white straight men could come up with that felt emotionally damaging enough to them. The act of betrayal itself wasn’t enough, the act of being thrown away, of having a lover put your life in danger because of her own ambitions wasn’t enough, they needed her to be r*ped to really drive home the point.

***Anne, on the other hand, is never shown being sexually abused, but we are given an explicit account of her own traumatic history and how Jack saved her from this vile beast who was passing her around to his friends.

But here’s the thing pirates - that never happened. According to every account we have of Anne Bonny, she chose her husband, and married him against her father’s wishes. They were probably relatively happy until her husband started being a pirate spy and Anne started cheating on him with Jack.

And yes, when they were found out. Her husband had her beat. That’s not fucking cool, and if they really wanted to go the damsel in distress route they still could have had Jack ‘save’ her from that. But at no point was she sexually abused by her husband(at least not in any accounts I’ve read.)

You know who did likely sexually abuse her or at least manipulate her and Mary for his own benefit? If you guessed our Rat man Jack Rackham, you would be correct, because when he found out about Mary and Anne’s (supposed, but probably real) relationship, it’s implied he extorted both of them into fucking him to keep their secret from the crew.

The addition of sexual abuse to Anne’s past isn’t done to be true to her character and was in fact explicitly untrue. Now of course I don’t know the reasons why they chose to do this, but I can guess. Just as with Max, the most traumatic thing a male writer can think of for a female character is for them to be sexually abused.

And the most disturbing part of this to me? The parallels it has to the real world of why straight men think lesbians exist. These characters who would be called man haters in present day are given these incredibly traumatic man-centered histories. It brings up something very uncomfortable in me about particularly wlw sexuality being viewed as a reaction to trauma at the hands of men. It’s just gross, I dont like it, and honestly there is no fucking excuse for it besides a room full of white straight men writing this bullshit. A room that Steinberg chose, because they fit his ideas.

In Fact heck, the women of Black Sails in general

***I honestly struggle to think of a single female character who I think was treated fairly in Black Sails. Miranda and Eleanor are killed for taking sides and not understanding their partners, Madi is betrayed in the worst way possible, Max is given a pseudo empowering ending but has that fucking terrible start. Idelle ends off fairly well, but tied to a man she may or may not have any actual feelings for, in what is essentially a political marriage. And Anne has her entire identity tied to a man who will be dead in two years as she is robbed of any agency whatsoever without him. (Oh, and the whole r*pe thing. And also her support for Max’s r*pe or death until she started having fee-fees. Who wrote this stuff. >_>)

Even though the characterization of each and every one of these women is PHENOMENAL - and again I will repeat that I absolutely LOVE these characters as they exist in a vacuum. I think they are well rounded, real, feeling people given motivations and drives and FEELINGS and they SHOW THEIR ANGER and i LOVE THEM.

But the show punishes them for it. Miranda is essentially fridged to move Flint’s storyline along, and to make room for Silver. Eleanor is killed for the emotional damage it will cause Rogers. Madi is placed at the center of a conflict she explicitly says she is willing to die for and then not only is her entire cause taken from her, but when she tells Silver to fuck off he - in possibly the most predictable white man move ever - says ‘no i will stay until you change your mind. I will never leave you. I don’t care about your choice in this matter, I will wait forever for you. I’m your biggest fan. I’ll follow you until you love me. papa, - paparazzi.’

And I touched on this before, but I want to talk in more detail about what is possibly my hottest take to date, the sexification of Mary Read and Queen Nanny, as they are presented in the show.

Max is to Anne what Mary Read is, historically. She is the lover that Jack Rackham discovers with Anne, and then he joins them in their bed. They form a triumvirate that upholds Jack at the expense of the women. But for some reason, Steinberg didn’t want to just include Mary Read as an actual character. For some reason he needed to make Anne’s love interest a sex worker who was in need of saving (and who, coincidentally, we never see working the brothel after she becomes lovers with Anne, because she is now a madam. :) Gross.)

And Madi. My dear sweet fucking Madi who didn’t fucking deserve any of this bullshit send tweet.

So, historically, Queen Nanny was the Queen, spiritual advisor, and the military tactician of the Windward Maroons. She would have filled both Madi and the Queen’s character roles(and Flint’s, but who’s counting. A BLACK GAY LEAD? Inconceivable. I digress.) But, I guess, because they were wishy-washing with Silver’s sexuality or felt they needed to give him a female love interest because of Treasure Island, or because they were leaning a bit too hard into the gay shit and needed to backpedal, they took Queen Nanny and split her into a character who is for all intents and purposes powerless in the war and Madi, who is young and naive and does not have any real world experience outside of the Maroon camp.

Because that’s sexy, or something. They could have had the Maroon Queen be a fucking badass lady who works and fights alongside Flint and Silver and one ups them and teaches them shit and has her own ideas about where the British can stick it, but instead they made her into the perfect caricature of a female monarch, letting the big strong men handle the dirty work or something. Because white male power fantasies.

Just let women be powerful and not nubile and let them have character arcs over fucking thirty and let them be CENTERED in their own. fucking. narratives.

God damnit Steinberg.

James Flint, mlm extraordinaire

Oh, my love. My most amazing child. The light of my life. My purest cinnamon roll.

~~And now we’ve come to the dreaded Silverflint criticism part of our programming. Please please know and remember this isn’t a criticism of people who ship Silverflint. As I said up top, Your Tomato Is Not My Tomato and that’s cool. Please don’t take this next part as an attack on Silverflint as a fandom ship.~~

My criticism of Steinberg as it relates to Flint is related to:

What a romantic/sexual relationship with Silver being the basis of the tension and plot means for Flint in particular as a gay or mostly mlm man.

Refusing to confirm Thomas and James being alive at the end and honestly the whole finale in general but like I’ll try and focus.

The major problem I have with Silver and Flint being coded as in love with each other is the implications there in terms of gay men’s relationships to other men.

From every corner, men are inundated with the idea that any close relationship between them must be gay. That intimacy cannot exist unless there are sexual feelings involved. That a relationship cannot be close, deep and soul shattering and life altering, unless one guy secretly(or not so secretly) wants to bone the other dude. That two men cannot value each other as partners or friends or truly know each other unless they are gay.

Seeing both of the meaningful relationships Flint forms with other men be sexually coded feels a bit the same way as Anne and Max’s sexual assault plotlines does vis-a-vis being wlw. (Even with Gates, Flint never spoke about Thomas or his plans - Silver is absolutely the closest person to Flint besides Thomas and Miranda.) And this is just as true for Silver. Having both Flint and Madi - the two people he trusts - both be people he’s in love with also just feels. I don’t know.

It feels like a confusion between male intimacy and male love that is so so familiar to me as a gay man I could choke on it. Where they wanted these men to have a deep and really lasting connection, but could only figure out how to do it if they were in love. Friendship wouldn’t have been enough - only romantic and sexual love is enough for the gay man(or men, at all).

Just because it isn’t queerbaiting doesn’t mean it’s good rep, and I would have liked to see truly deep male friendships that did not center on sexual attraction - particularly for Flint as a confirmed mlm(and Silver too, if you’re counting him. The same arguments for why I dislike Flint being paired with Silver are also true in the reverse.)

Even if both Flint and Silver were confirmed mlm I still would have LOVED to see a platonic relationship between them. In fact I would have loved that EVEN MORE. Men! Who fuck men! Not needing to fuck each other to be important to one another! Who made this. Very delicious.

But because there weren’t any queer writers on the show, writers who understand this kind of struggle that gay and mlm men face, they thought ‘oh, let’s also have them be in love with each other. More gay rep is better gay rep, right?’ False. THOUGHTFUL gay rep is better gay rep.

Okay and here’s my last thing. The fact that Steinberg refuses to say whether or not the explicitly mlm men are alive at the end of the show - that the words he specifically uses are ‘up for interpretation’ is. Fuck, it’s gross, okay? It’s fucking gross.

I have been around enough men, enough people in power, enough people with leverage who also know how to play the field, to know that when someone wants a group’s support but does not agree with them, their go to phrasing is that it is ‘up for debate’ or ‘up for interpretation.’

Say the gays are alive. Steinberg refusing to acknowledge the reality of the ending of his show to maintain his own sense of artistic integrity is what, honestly, really sets me off about him and I don’t care if this is a nuanced take.

Like yes, death of the author. I honestly don’t care if he thinks they’re dead or alive. What I care about is that he thinks he can get away with being clever and leaning hard into a story is true/untrue’ - doesn’t realize what the implications of that are, and didn’t when he was writing, and didn’t have anyone else in the room who would think about it either.

ANYWAY. So this is....my long drawn out explanation for why I do not like Steinberg. Uhhhhh tune in next week for more of my totally unpopular opinions!

#good....fucking lord #i am so sorry #how many opinions can milo fit in one post #i mean i have more but yknow lmao #black sails #behind the black sails #milos black sails meta #long posts #my increasingly devoted attempts to find tumblrs word limit #Anonymous #john steinberg #js critical but the js is jon steinberg

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scarsmood · 3 years

Text

Mental Health and Otherkinity

This is my panel I did today! enjoy! it’s the script

My name is scar im apart of a system of 4, I am mightyenakin from pokemon. Trans ftm and very queer. We have a lot to go over so lets jump in.

Today I want to talk about my experience with being psychological kin. Talk about how this has shaped me as a person. How the community handles psychological kin as well as the greater outside world. So lets get into it. Otherkinity has been in my life ever since I can remember. From the age of 3 I can remember feeling non human and having alters that were also non human. I’ve also found for my life and my experience my mental health and my otherkinity are two things that have wound themselves together. I can never look at one without the other are both play a critical role in my identity.

I can say as psychological otherkin right now I stand at an interesting intersection of my life where I have the most freedom I have ever had and dealing with the worst trauma I’ve had to face. I recently got out of a bad long term relationship of something I had been in for 7 years. I can say the events I’ve lived did and still do directly impact my identity and change how I see myself.

for me I cannot explore my otherkinity without exploring my trauma and mental health

these two parts of myself are closely woven together. DID is a product of trauma and it’s something that rules over my life daily.

It is something I don’t just accommodate it is a way of life for me.

For the past 3 years I’ve been in intensive therapy going at least once every two weeks. At one point going twice a week, completed an inpatient and outpatient program. Needless to say I have been fortunate enough to not be in a lot of debt. However I would like to think that these things have helped me immensely. With the background talk out of the way lets get into how these things have shaped my identity.

A little bit about me. I am diagnosed with DID or dissociative identity disorder. This means my identity is split apart between alters or alternate personalities. If your unfamiliar with plurality I can say with confidence that can be its own talk but heres what you need to know.

• My alters are distinct each having their own morals, ideals, life perspective, lived experiences and memories separate from my own.

• We all share one body like roommates share an apartment space

• My alters are a result of trauma I experienced during my life. Each of us hold our share of trauma so imaging trauma is sandbags instead of 1 person holding 100 pounds of sand we have given 25 pounds of sand to 4 alters. Which is much more manageable.

• My alters including me were shaped from the environment they came from

· Alters also share an inner world where they can interact with one another. This also a place where I can easily my identity and how I view myself internally.

Some others fun things about me is I have some mild psychotic symptoms. Since I’m in my early 20’s they’re pretty manageable at the moment I am always keeping an eye out for them worsening though. These things include hallucinations visual, auditory, touch, smell, taste. I also have a weird mix of beliefs that can mix into delusion territory but aren’t damaging to my life and therefore cant really place a good label on them. So I consider them delusional like but not the same experience as a true delusion I believe I could very much be wrong.

my first identity shift was when I was a child about 3 years old was the first time me as an alter became prominently separate from our host. It was apparently at that time I was non human and a hyena. I looked like a hyena from lion king roughly no character in particular and acted as a companion/ friend.

When I got a bit older at 4-5 my identity shifted once I moved and left behind some family. I changed from a hyena to a pokemon. If I could guess I would say due to a pokemons inherent loyalty. My identity became a mightyena a wolfish hyena basically and the codependency that pokemon carry also carried over.

I was depended on to be support for our host and to take care of them as a friend and caretaker. We experienced neglect at the time and this was reflected with my identity. I was a creature that was supposed to stay with someone forever basically giving a comfort we were missing to our host so they could continue functioning. I would say my identity changes based on my environment and is sensitive to my environment all the time

depending on what I experience I see myself change and adapt because of how sensitive we are as a system trying to adapt in the world around us. I often think if my identity isn’t shifting a little it might be a sign of trouble and us shutting down being unable to adapt and change.

When I was 5-6 it changed to its own species a threatening wolf. Which it stayed until a few months ago. My identity as a threatening wolf changed a lot I had spikes then got a sword tail then was able to breathe fire, my size would shift and change, my tail length and ability to move it would change. Teeth, eye color, would all change depending on my environment. For example when I was deep in abuse with my ex I gained the ability to breathe fire suddenly as a needed adaption to scare them away. My eyes turned red to look scarier. I got bigger. This all happened internally as my ex was able to interact within our system in our inner world. Which is a terrible idea by the way don’t be an idiot like me. Which was why I needed to look scarier as a way of protection

Lately I have been healing from trauma and now that my ex is gone so is a lot of pressure to defend myself so I turned back into a mightyena which is much more defenseless but much truer to how I see myself in a safe space. Im sure if trauma happened again I would shift back to a threatening wolf as a means for protection. When it comes to plurality labels I fall under protector and host we are pretty integrated though so we have grown out of most typical labels due to how functional each of us are now.

This concept of a changing identity is taboo in otherkin communities

usually we are lead to believe when we were kids we have always been one strict animal for our whole lives and just now learning about it. this animal never changes it is static unchanging and we simply learn about it as we grow up. My experience has been wholly different. My animal and my identity changes based on my environment it can be subtle or drastic. I never evoke or ask for the changes they simply happen and I have to adapt to the new way I see myself. Trying to apply my identity to the common otherkin rhetoric gave me a lot of grief as a teenager

when I was about 13 because I would discover something about myself say breathing fire or growing in size and be ashamed because I knew these changes were not “typical”

as an aside I think this notion that my experience is atypical is also false. I think this is fairly common but a lot of otherkin just handle it in a way that flows with the static concept where we learn we have a new kin type but still also have the old one, we learn something about our kin type that totally shifts it but connect it back to our old kin type, we find new features, personality traits or experiences that now define our kintype that were never there before and newly discovered

Otherkinity is about self discovery and how it’s essentially chasing a dragon. Literally. We will never fully know our internal identity no matter how closely we look into it. there is so much that we learn and how to weave into our identity otherkintiy is as much of an art as it is a science when it comes to self reflection. It’s just like any other aspect of ourselves we can create labels for our sexuality and they work but they don’t capture 100% of what you experience theyre a short hand for others. I find that otherkinity is this concept on steroids. I find my identity to be a much larger part as it impacts everything including my sexuality it is more prominent for me so trying to put it under labels becomes increasingly difficult.

How are we supposed to create a short hand for who we are? All of those moving pieces inside of us that shape our perspective, experiences, how we interact with people, how we love people, how we go through day to day life, and we are supposed to just say something like “bear therian” what if it changes? What if we have quirks that our outside of this label? When I first joined the otherkin community it was pretty frowned upon to change your identity. You had to be a wolf therian, you had to be a dragonkin. Once you picked a label that was it. your locking into your identity if you didn’t you weren’t taken seriously.

Ableism in the otherkin community

I question as well if this correlation between identity stability and maturity/credibility is ableism. Usually I noticed when I first join the therian and otherkin community there was a push for “not looking crazy” so as to not get bullied further for identities. I’m sure anyone in the LGBT community knows trying to please people making fun of you really doesn’t work. There is a prominent fear of seeming to outsiders as if were roleplaying or kinning for fun which seems to be a whole other topic in and of itself. My personal experience has lead me to the conclusion that these people are going to come at you regardless of how often you shift your identity, how seriously or goofy you take it, how analytical you are with your identity whether you write essays or one sentence it does not change the views of outsiders.

Endels, clinical lycanthropes, and other nonhumans who have mental illness-based identities face a similar ableism. It wasn’t until earlier this year, 2021, when the connection between mental illness and nonhumanity was finally accepted by the greater community. But even still, Endelic communities are more often treated as a novelty; not something to be taken seriously as an identity, just something “interesting.” Mental illness, especially psychotic disorders, aren’t pretty or tame, and the greater nonhuman community appears to subtly enforce this stigma. Werewolves are monsters, and the greater community spares no feelings in reminding us of this, with such unwelcome words my friend babydog’s met as and I paraphrase a quote here from my friend baby dog “you’re welcome here, but you should expect people to uncomfortable about your identity as an endel or question your endelity. I dont personally believe people like you should be part of alterhuman communities.” End quote Many of those who are part of the greater alterhuman community are still concerned about respectability politics, how we appear to outsiders, rather than being concerned about how inner-community members are finding their welcome. Arguments like “But, clinical lycanthropy was previously used as ammunition against all Otherkin! We’re playing into anti-kin’s stereotypes!” isn’t an excuse anymore, because throwing your own community under the bus isn’t acceptable anymore. We want a higher standard in this community than being driven by shame that makes us hide members of our own community. It’s much better to stand with them.

Lets also take a moment to acknowledge these actions stemmed from an act of seeming more credible and not “crazy”. I’d like to say also that the stereotype of crazy doesn’t exist when we think of crazy we think of someone whose mentally Ill and struggling to function. In reality these people have an untreated mental illness or going through an episode that’s only one aspect of a person. They do other things with their life including myself. I write poems and go out with friends but if someone only judged me at my worst and lowest I would fit into this “crazy” stereotype. Its not fair for us to judge people based on actions they cant control. Based on trauma or brain chemistry people are more than that I think can agree.

we should be understanding with these people treating them as whole people not just one descriptor. crazy is really just a derogatory name for someone with a mental illness. So to avoid being crazy means to avoid any signs of neurodiversity people view as abnormal. Or signs of nonconformity with nuerotypicals

-endels still face ableism typically in the form of being treated like a novelty and not really being taken seriously. Endels are still getting called interesting a lot) and it makes them feel like a specimen within their own community. I’m sure those who suffer from mental illness understand how degrading it is to be looked at as some sort of test subject or lab rat. I think as a community we can do better and be more accepting and open to all forms of otherkinity. Shutting down this kinda of language would be great for endel otherkin.

-endels are still having to deal with other community members who use psychotic/delusional/etc as insults or jokey words. These words are derogatory and insulting they shouldn’t be said as insults or jokes there are plenty of other words that could be used and it pushes endels and otherkin with psychotic symptoms away from the larger community. Using this language shows an ignorance to the ableism still alive and active towards endels.

-none of this helps internalized ableism!! All the actions described above only reinforce internalized ablism. This creates a combative and toxic environment for endels and otherkin with psychotic symptoms. It would be in our best interest as a community to help bring down ableism and be more aware of what were saying and to who.

Some things to keep in mind

-treating psychotics like they cant make their own choices is not ok/ thinking for them

-insults and jokes using derogatory language is triggering and alienating

-treating psychotics as lab rats or something to gauk at as “interesting” is demoralizing and takes away someones individual power as a person. Its hard to have an identity and a voice if everyone is busy staring at you like a lab rat.

What about the internal side of the otherkin community? I found when I was apart of the therian community this was a more prominent problem and still is in some corners I wander into. Otherkinity also holds some ableist views but from what I’ve seen not to the same intensity as therian communities. This I would say is a cultural difference from a new age of therians that took over the internet, p-shifting cults, wolf packs, and some forums for therians were intense I know previously therians and otherkin identities didn’t have to much of a difference besides animalistic tendencies or a way to further define an identity. Once this shift happened it became more so about earthly creatures or animals based on earth. earth mythics, animals that exist present day and extinct, and plants as well. I’m not an expert of the history of otherkin and therians so I would direct you to house of chimeras and who is page for more information over it gladly. If im wrong please correct me. That’s my understanding. This shift to earthly animals also carried a sentiment or notion of being more “real” than otherkin that I often experienced in the wolf packs and forums. Since they’re identities were based on “real” animals it made them more valid otherkin. An easy question I asked often or others would ask was a simple “why?” and the response I experienced a lot was “so were more credible/ don’t seem crazy” this was 8-9 years ago which was at the time the height of otherkin hate. It came across as a borderline phobia to be seen as an antikin steriotypes which were ableist stereotypes to begin with. some of these communities in reaction created ridged and strict cultures of how to be therian. This would leave an imprint on many people including myself.

so that was 8-9 years ago why do I bring it up? Because I still see this sentiment present just subtle.

Some things I feel were carried over is: Overly present and specific about kin types, an obsession with details and intricacies to a degree where its no longer beneficial to learn, embarrassed or shamed for certain kin types, a focal point on kin type tendencies and ignoring or pushing aside human experiences to further pronounce a kin type. A fixation on the past and not taking into account of the present, always centering around the past. I would say these behaviors in the community were influenced from the wolf pack cultural shift.

These are a remanent set of reactions from a more intense time of grilling, questioning and if validity was questioned your title could be easily taken away in close knit communities. I think the otherkin community still has some skeletons in the closet so to speak of a more intense time that a lot of members endured and witnessed. We passed on this culture, myself included as we grew up cause its how we learned to present our otherkinity. We can unlearn though and I think it’s time to push for more freedom and new ways to take on otherkinity. a larger problem I see is a fixation with the past which once it gets to a certain point I don’t think can be constructive or healthy. Exploring your past is good, gaining context for your actions and your background is good, but living in the past is not healthy. Reshaping how you live in the present by escaping to the past isn’t really healthy. I find it worrying how common it is for otherkin to not tie their humanity and the present to their identity. It hurts to say, it can be uncomfortable but being human is apart of our experience. Now my therapists always say “never damn a coping skill” if looking to the past and living in the past finds you comfort and it keeps you stable that’s ultimately a good thing your staying stable and keeps you functioning. I urge though for people to start to take the time to explore humanity with our otherkin identities and living more in the present. How your identity effects you right now. How people interact with you and what you can do to tie your otherkinity to the physical world to the present. I think it’s a balancing act ultimately trying to find a sweet spot between the past and the present. Not completely ignoring your past and only staying in the present or only living in the past and neglecting the present. Its not easy and something im actively working on myself.

I want to highlight the present cultural imprint the wolf pack phase in present day otherkin communties and how new otherkin members seeing and reacting to it. we as older members may not realize how impactful our words are and may not notice us carrying an imprint of the past with us. Here some quotes I picked up. I asked a few friends their experiences who had come as otherkin in the past 6 months. I was also able to get 1 anecdote anon from my tumblr after sending out a request earlier today they are also pretty recent. Here what they had to say. These are all anonymous.

“(tumblr)My experience was pretty good! The community is super open and friendly, or at least the side of it I'm on (idk about the fictionkin side of it which might be more controversial/full of discourse).

It was easy to get into which is good because I was super scared about it 😅” “(friend) the whole community is

scary, for me at least, mostly because some of the older grey muzzles seem really intimidating and cliquey

the discord group im in seems like really cool to me, they are all super nice and helpful but the rest of the community is super scary for me”

“(friend) [when asked about getting into the community] it's weird to me, it really is.

I've spent a good chunk of time just like

wondering what it could possibly mean to be "valid" otherkin

like, who's judgement is that? mine?”

My Take on otherkinity

Im telling my story because my mental illness causes me to fall into an undesired or taboo identity categories or stereotypes of otherkin often. I find instability, identities that are less material or easily relatable, signs of mental illness with otherkinity. Are swept under the rug. I’d like to change that and show that instability, less relatable, highly specific or vague identities are just as valid. My experiences can be something of an uncomfortable truth for some that otherkin can be cringy or be easier to target from outsiders. I ask to everyone that has some reservations about accepting more diverse identities to consider how beneficial these new perspectives bring to our community. These identities give a perspective and voice we are missing and is needed. It’s beneficial for our community to be heard fully so we can support and help everyone. Endels may have a perspective other therians/otherkin may not have considered before. the wider range of experiences about our community that we share the better. It gives us the tools to make the community even stronger.

I would say overall psychological kin are extremely diverse and no experience is going to be the same. Its difficult at best to say anything that all psychological kin experience because the definition is so broad. We all have unique and diverse stories and I’d like to encourage everyone to share them even if they show mental illness. Things like Delusions, trauma responses, trauma sourced, episodes and regression. I would love to see more inclusivity for the messier and less understood part of psychological kin.

So lets get into some of my specific experiences. my identity is messy at the moment as my brain seems to have an interesting understanding of what a mightyena is. It has 2 images instead of one

These two images are houndoom and mightyena. Both of them I see myself as but are the same entity. My brain cant see the difference between the two as an identity at the moment. So theyre both “mightyena” its quirks like this that I think should be seen as more acceptable in the community because its messy at best. It has made me on several occasions go “that makes 0 sense” but from a trauma stand point it doesn’t surprise me

my brain has trouble picking only one. If my 5 year old or 3 year old brain attached itself to both images and called them the same then well that’s it im both of them at once. Brains don’t tend to work very logically and while it sounds confusing I would say it probably feels similar to having 2 kin types active at once. The two identities don’t blend (ie mightyena wolf hyena doesn’t breathe fire while houndoom does. ) I experience a range of both identities at once. They’re both mightyena it just so happens that image that’s associated with houndoom is present when something happens that only that pokemon could do or associated feelings or states. I would say theyre 2 different kin types except if I say I have a houndoom kin type I don’t think of anything and don’t feel anything. When I say I have a mightyena kin type I have images and feelings from both. They also cant seem to be separated both images and associations need the other. Its interesting. Its very funky. The wonderful world of trauma. Could probably make anew label for that but that’s alright im not one for labels.

I experience something I call m-shifting which is really animal regression. It’s called m shifting because I was previously in an p-shifting cult where it developed it. it’s uncontrollable but I can start it or trigger it if I want to. When I go into an m-shift I cant understand English, read English, walk on two legs well, speak, or know basic things most people would know. My brain goes into instincts and impulses. I don’t think critically or contemplate much. My thoughts are in images and feelings. Its fun. But its difficult to control, I find it’s a way for me to relieve stress in excess when I cant seem to find a good outlet for it. this is part of my identity is what makes me relate to the werewolf community so much since its involuntary and frowned upon generally to greater society .(aka internalized ableism) One of my biggest fears is shifting in public or with friends. It’s hard on me for sure.

Another thing that effects me is coping linking as someone who deals with trauma I have found lately I’m starting to create involuntary coping links. I had a brief coping link as a sled dog its purpose was the personality of a sled dog was something I needed to be at the moment to stay functional and coherent once I learned to do that without my coping link it went away. I notice myself having brief coping links on and off each of them usually teach me something or a skill I couldn’t fully understand yet.

I experience false memories. My memories change depending on my identity. I don’t force or make them change they simply do.

they hold the same narrative throughout all the changes though. The narrative from what I understand seems to be a re telling of my trauma. My false memories don’t seem to be a major part of my identity and I think I may have them simply because of p-shifting cult trauma and the pressure to have a past life or noemata. I think my false memories are a way to retell my trauma in a form that gives me validation as an animal. I do know seeing myself as human in memories is inherently triggering for me as I cant recognize myself so a set of false memories that lets me see myself in those situations as an animal is comforting and validating. It helps me evaluate my trauma better and understand why I feel the way I do about trauma. A dog that looses its molars would be distraught while a human doesn’t really care if they get wisdom teeth removed. Evaluating trauma through an animalstic lens has helped me immensely. I’ve noticed the more I evaluate and see my trauma through an animal lens the weaker my false memories become and I think that’s neat.

My perspective of the world also changes as my identity shifts

I see the world differently as a mightyena than I do as a threatening wolf. Objects, people, environments and habitats have different meanings to me and associations according to shifts and how my identity changes. These associations and meanings are ones that either I had when I was a child, or ones I repressed due to being childish or something I didn’t see as acceptable at the time. So my identity now has a wider range of perspective. My threatening wolf perspective toned down a lot and let the repressed associations and meanings take a more dominant role.

Another thing that effects my otherkinity is when it comes to species dysphoria I would say it’s a large factor in how I experience otherkinity. I would say my otherkintiy is something very based in the present. I don’t think about my kintypes past, I don’t think about its future or let my mind wander off a lot about whats going on with it. I am usually observing it in the present moment. A big part of that is my species dysphoria which tells me a lot about what I am. I’m trans female to male though that’s debatable as im considering a gender to my kintype. Human gender dysphoria is something that bothers me a decent amount. What has sent me to therapy though is species dysphoria. It is unbearable for me. I have fangs, a tail, a collar, wolfsbane pendant for mythology about werewolves, pointed nails, short hair thicker hair to resemble my kin type. I had to learn how to make animal vocalizations like growling, snarling, whimpering because I felt incredibly stressed being unable to emote properly. I learned to walk on all fours and run as well. I learned to play and move like an animal mostly from m shifting but it helps immensely. Getting on T has helped a lot as I got furrier, deeper voice, thicker hair, generally able to gain muscle better. Overall has helped my species dysphoria. Its something I’ve always had that brings me immense discomfort. I’m planning to make a prosthetic muzzle to wear and possibly some ears.

This dysphoria is apparent when you see me on the street cause im wearing a collar, tail everything I can’t hide my otherkinity because it triggers my species dysphoria to much to hide it so I just have to roll with it. the census? Its really not that bad being out or showing im otherkin. It’s a good conversation starter and most people are friendly about it here which has been nice. I do get asked if im a furry I usually say yes just cause I don’t feel like explaining otherkinity. If someone asks why I usually just say I see myself as an animal. Responses are mixed but people are polite about it. wearing gear makes me feel much more grounded in where I stand with my identity. I noticed a feel much more confident about myself when I am being myself unabashedly. Who knew. Also planning to get some combat boots and add some spikes to them to imitate claws. Should be fun.

Heading back to my weird quirks and otherkinity experience Phantom shifts are something I experience all the time 24/7. In part due to p-shifting cult and also a way to manage my species dysphoria. It’s pretty intense for me and its something I find comfort in and encourage. It’s a way for me to find the world more relatable. Often these shifts calm me down and make it easier for me to navigate the world. I would say my phantom shifts only effects parts of my body im aware of not my entire body all the time. Rather whatever body parts im using. It also does its best to not have any “clipping” through objects and my shift may phase out if there may be clipping to a body part im aware of.

Lastly My gender and sexuality I would say tie to my kintype as well. Im attracted to otherkin moreso than humans. I really like animalistic aspects to people and traits I see in my kintype in other people. I find I get along best with canine kintypes. My gender im realizing is more so tied heavily to my kintype I want to be a male mightyena whatever that entails and it plays closely with my species dysphoria. I find when I relieve my species dysphoria I tend to also relieve a bit of my gender dysphoria to. I say im ftm as a short hand because that’s what my kintypes gender seems to line up with the most. Though I think that will be less and less the case as I start wearing things like a prosthetic muzzle which is pretty animal gender to me.

Therapy and Otherkinity

On this topic I would like to talk about how therapy and otherkinity interact cause that’s something central to this panel. For me I always noticed that when I am given analogies in therapy they are always about an inner child, how I was as a human kid, how I am as an adult. These things are good but they lack the context of me as a whole. I am not just a human I am an animal in a human body which changes a lot in how I’ve had to take care of myself and apply advice given to me by professionals. For one I always have to tell professionals im otherkin and what that entails. That it isn’t a hobby or one aspect of me but something that impacts my entire perspective. Methods of self soothing just wont work for me if I don’t change some wording around. There is no inner child for me personally theres a puppy and a puppy seeks out an entirely different sets of behaviors, emotions, and emotes/ way of communication than an inner child would. You would be able to talk to an inner child hug them and act as a type of parent to them. With a puppy I tend to act more as an owner or an animal parent depending on whats needed.as an owner i have to bridge the communication gap with things like chew toys, petting, dark cozy places, brushing or grooming, non verbal communication

which plays a much larger part in my healing process than what I read or what methods im taught. As an owner to myself I have to learn to take care of my inner puppy the way I needed which can be difficult when no one you know has to follow that method. As an animal parent I also have to act as I am, an animal to my inner puppy that’s what we both understand the common language we speak is non human and is critical to my healing. I find protecting my inner puppy as an animal parent gives me a larger sense of catharsis it feels like something I can finally understand however the methods don’t translate well to the real world. I cant just snarl at people I have to talk to them in a disagreement. I cant go hunting I have to go shopping. Which is why having both an owner and an animal parent.

Both are important because both aspects cant be ignored and need to be used in tandem.

Healing for me when it comes to trauma involves a lot of balancing between my human life and my animalistic needs which is something I have had to do and explain to therapists the difficulties of doing so. I notice most therapists I have met cant seem to grasp this and see otherkinity as more of a metaphor than an identity. I noticed a lot of my therapists would just change metaphors to talk to me instead of reshaping a technique for healing which has caused a lot of problems. An example I can think off the top of my head is instead of “a family sticks together” may be “a wolf pack sticks together” which is helpful sometimes but if it’s the only change it becomes detrimental to me. Often because while not intentional I think a lot of therapies are human-centric. There is an assumption you are human in order to apply the coping techniques or healing strategies. This lead to me unintentionally repressing a larger chunk of my otherkinity just because I was applying these skills without changing anything. Sometimes present day I still fall into this and notice it triggers my species dysphoria to worsen. It can be difficult to spot for me as well because otherkinity is so uncommon no one else is having the same issue in my real life friend groups. So I assume whatever im doing must be ok cause it seems to work ok for everyone else. Which ends up not being the case.

A solution I’ve found to help with this is for one explaining as I go with a therapist what is and is not working. I have to be an advocate for myself and teach them as well what I like and what works and what doesn’t. I try my best to let them know when something they do is detrimental. I also try to explain what brings me comfort and what doesn’t. a nice talk isn’t going to help my puppy self but a hug would. Things like that. When it comes to internal imagery some therapists use I know stating to them youd like them to consider your kintype as yourself has helped me by them not seeing me as a fully human being or just my irl body. overall I hope this talk has helped some people. Given some new perspectives. And I am happy or reiterate some topics I went over. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#long post #it was 11 pages #im so sorry #otherkin #therian #fictionkin #psychologicalkin

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stuckylibrary · 3 years

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Anon 1 said: (dubcon, maybe noncon?)

hi, do you know of a fic where post-ws, bucky comes in from the cold and finds steve, & they start a relationship. but towards the end it's revealed that (the big plot twist), bucky doesn't actually feel anything for steve and is only in the relationship because he thinks he has to be like steve's bucky from before the war/feels as though he has to play the role of bucky barnes and thinks that's what that entails/or similar icr exactly. steve, who thought bucky meant it, is really hurt. thankyou

Anon sent in Out of the Dead Land by orphan_account (complete | 62,707 | E)

opaline-pixie said:

Hello. I’m looking for a story that I read years back. All I remember about it was that Bucky liked being bound up. Steve took them to a cabin and instead of bondage tape he bought vet tape because it was cheaper. That and I remember a game where he blindfolded bound Bucky and surrounded him with sex toys and Bucky had to guess what they were.

Anon 2 said:

I read this fic a while back; I remember that the summary was part of a book that Bucky had written about the accident that lost him his arm (he had a Stark prosthetic, and was touchy about people liking it)? It was an AU where Bucky and Steve were both college professors, with Steve possibly an art teacher? I think Bucky and Steve didn't get on at first? There's a scene where Steve does a painting lesson for some of the professors, and a faculty event/party towards the end? Thank you!

Anon 3 said: (sex work, polyamory)

i’ve been looking for the fic where steve or bucky experiments in sex work and does a porny photoshoot that turns into a threesome w peggy on set for like an hour now and can’t find it. any idea?

buckycuddlebuddy��and somesortofitalianroast sent in Push It by thepinupchemist��(oneshot | 8,982 | E)

eclipseofparis said:

Hi! I hope you’re all doing well. I’d like to ask if you know or are familiar with this fic. It’s a time travel au (??) where Bucky as The Winter Soldier was accidentally or purposefully sent by Hydra to the 1930s? or 1940s? to kill pre-war Steve Rogers. Before Bucky went back, he told Steve abt Pierce. TFA timeline still happens and when Steve woke up to the new century, he acts all oblivious but in actuality he was plotting his revenge on Pierce. He did killed Pierce in the end I think?

Anon sent in Savage God by LenneWithMilkAndHoney, PottersPink (restricted, complete | 36,127 | M)

Anon 4 said:

i’m looking for a fic I read before, what I remember is bucky works at a company where steve is like the boss/ceo and steve is an ass and fires him one day, then later steve asks bucky if he wants to be in a D/s relationship with him and Bucky moves in to steve’s apartment? that’s all I remember, I hope it’s enough!

buckycuddlebuddy, miraishu, Anon, keepyourelectriceyeonme, wayward-lives, its-a-harlequinade and time-lord-no-more sent in Collar Full of Chemistry by 2bestfriends (complete | 188,111 | E)

Anon 5 said:

hi, I’m looking for a doc that I’m pretty sure is from Buckys pov and it has a recurring motif of a story about a woman going into a river. very literary, it’s like the type of story that has an all lowercase title. Hope that helps

Anon 6 said:

Hi! I’m looking for a WIP fic where both Bucky and Steve are princes. Steve comes to live with Bucky because Steve’s dad thinks it will help Steve learn how to be a better prince. I remember Thor working as the stables guy too. Peggy and Becca are also Bucky’s older sisters in this fic. Thanks!

Anon, emzy2 and possibleplatypus sent in Amaryllis by paperstorm (complete | 70,386 | E)

Anon 7 said:

I'm looking for a fic(probs 1 chap) that basically takes place in a nightclub or somewhere similar, and Bucky sees a girl with a pixie cut and black sparkly dress at the bar, goes to talk to her, and realizes that she is, in fact, a dude(Steve) pretty sure hes not trans,,, the do the dirty,,, pretty sure there's fanart in it too

Anon 8 said:

Hi, what’s that fic where Steve has to teach Bucky how to masturbate or at least just had to be in the same room as him? I stopped reading it a while ago and there’s a lot of works in my ao3 bookmarks that say deleted and I’m scared that’s one of them! Thank you

possibleplatypus sent in Need A Hand? by TeamDamon (complete | 14,555 | E)

keepyourelectriceyeonme sent in both fics mentioned in this post as possible answers

sleeplingsupernova said: (HTP)

We can't find this story anywhere anymore. It was an HTP where the Winter Soldier just got through a mind wipe and was still in the chair and a doctor was trying to give him a blow job and kept getting mad at him because he couldn't get hard. I remember reading it on AO3 but no matter what I try to search up I can't find it. Thank you so much!

Anon 9 said:

There was a story I read once where Bucky worked at planned parenthood and would escort women from their cars into the clinic, protecting them from the protesters? I can't find it and I was wondering if you guys know what I'm talking about? Thanks!

Anon 10 said:

im so sorry this is vague but im looking for a book with the cap quartet in sams house i believe? all i can remember is that bucky drags steve under a dining room table because hes trying to protect him when something makes a loud noise in the house, im pretty sure it was sam dropping a pan. thank you if you can think of it!

Anon 11 said:

Hey, im looking for a fic where steve is buckys neighbor and he has a little kid. Bucky also a kid, but he's older, maybe a teen. Bucky has a crush on steve and starts helping him out like driving him to work and shoveling his snow because he's struggling and always seems to be late to work. Ive tried hard to find it but i cant, please help!

Anon 12 said: (sex work)

looking for this fic: steve find bucky in an alley (?) and because they used to know each other he offers bucky a place to stay, but bucky thinks thinks steve wants some sexual favour in return because he’s been doing that for a while (i think he was homeless?). steve doesn’t want any of that and takes bucky to his place, i think i remember that he was rich or that it was a penthouse or smth? anyways bucky starts trusting steve again and eventually they get together. i’m worried it’s deleted 😭

cafelesbian and its-a-harlequinade sent in tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt* by Cafelesbian (complete | 198,037 | M) *rape/noncon

#group asks

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kitsune1818 · 3 years

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Tossing your question right back at you, I'd love to hear your thoughts on what might have changed (or not changed) if Nie Dad had lived!

Ive been musing this all day, to be honest, i made the mistake of reading it right before getting up. Ooops. Im not as eloquent as you and i have a patchy memory of book canon events, this also touches a lot of hc. I do believe many things would change if dad-Nie had remained alive. As you said in my ask, nmj would be maybe less angry, more forgiving, more easygoing. One hc i have is that he became sect leader young, 15 at most, I also think nmj didnt go to CR to study, by the time he meet lxc he was already sect leader. Making friends was hard, but lwj is not the only stubborn lan. Another general hc i have is that the Nies have... trouble to be seen as equal to other cultivators, regardless of how strong or smart they are, they are not gentry, they are the descendants of a butcher, an unclean profession, so they are less. Maybe with dad-Nie alive nmj would not be forced to grow up so fast, maybe he still will have nice hobbies, maybe he can spent his free time indulging in art or music and maybe nhs would be a little more disciplined in saber practice. I do think nmj is the responsible and dedicated kind of person, having hobbies and friends will not deter him from his rigorous training. I confess im among in the bunch of people that believe he is dage for everyone... or at least of everyone that manages to get close to him. He doesnt baby people, but he indulges them and is very judgemental of their life choices, with dad-Nie alive, he doesnt have to fill the dad-mother-brother roll for nhs, he is just dage, i like to imagine him being a troll and he will be so shamelessly with nhs and his friends (nhs will be all “dage stop embarrasing me infront of my friends!) just because he can and this heirs are all so stuck up with very awful parents. Nmj trust easy, but once that trust is betrayed, well, we all know Jgy never got back that trust and things only got so patched up (skin deep) because of lxc and nmj wanting to believe it even if he didnt felt it. Maybe this time around, as dage had time to be a kid and a teen he can be more innocent, more inclined to second chances. O3r maybe he wont because that is just how he is regardless of his father. Ive seen countless takes of nmj being so much like his father... im a contrary person, i got this mean satisfaction in going against certain things, this is one of them (there is a bigger one, but that one is not relevant haha). I think nmj is more like mom side if the family, nhs is more like his father, both in appearance and temperament. Which may be a little weird to see dad-Nie like nhs considering the broken saber business, but part of me likes to think that nhs saw himself in his father and his eventual madness and that made him not want to have the same fate, forgoing saber training as much as dage let him get away with. I have a lot of thoughts on the saber-master thing the nies have, but this is getting far too long and i feel like im rambling about everything instead of answering the damn question. I imagine dad-Nie being alive means we can have a softer more relaxed nmj, still strong, still dedicated and dutiful (he is an heir, he cant be anything else), he is smart and resourceful, talented. Maybe this is why wrh takes notice of him eventually, maybe this time around nmj can get along with wen xu (another hc is that wen xu is older than nmj, there is a big age gap between wen xu and wen chao), maybe, like with wen zhuliu, nmj gets noticed by talent alone. I believe at some point wwx mentions that nmj is in the top 3 people he wouldnt want to mess with (besides that one part when he slaps nmj corpse abs in a very appreciative way), that kind of speaks of nmj talent and power. I do like the idea of a Qishan Wen and Qinghe Nie alliance a lot. I admit, im very biased, i often tell that other sect leaders are... not ideal. Everyone has their faults, yes, but in the grand scheme of things, jgs is an opportunist, he wont move unless he knows he can win (and he won only because jgy gave him the opportunity... just to be killed soon after), lqr is more of a scholar than a leader, even if he does a neat job managing the sect, lxc is a mediator, if there can be middle ground he will take it and be happy even if he is just postponing the inevitable (we see this in the 3zun dynamics a lot) and jfm is a conformist, he doesnt like conflict and will look away until the fire is too big to do anything about it. Maybe im being to mean, but this is they way i see it, feel free to politely disagree with me). Qishan had the numbers if not the talent, Qinghe had the talent, but not the numbers (another hc, the Nies are the newest of the great 5). An alliance between them sounds like a sweet deal to me. Maybe as you said, an alliance between this two could end up in a mostly everyone lives. Maybe Wen Qing can have a nice friend on Nmj (bonding over little brothers, maybe?) and nhs and Wen Ning can also have a nice friendship, be less lonely. Maybe as nmj grows into a man, wrh interest can shift, maybe this time nmj can allow himself to be a little more free to have something more with someone. Maybe with dad-Nie alive things can go a little happier, maybe dad-Nie will die in some other form and nmj would still be stuck as sect leader at a too young age, maybe this time wrh can be an ally instead of an enemy. Can you imagine it? wrh being friends with the late sect leader (only dad-Nie was bold enough to be honest, instead of giving blind praise and wrh appreciating that?) and offering help to the young heir, a few years later getting struck with the realization that the young boy grew up into a fine man (the “oh shit, he is hot” realization hehe). There are a lot of scenarios i would love to explore, but this is getting long, as my usual ramblings go, i need to cook tomorrow lunch and finish certain piece i need ready by tomorrow (fuck). Hopefully i didnt sidetrack too much, nor did i miss the point. Ugh. See! im not eloquent or well versed!

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thewebcomicsreview · 4 years

Photo

Oh shit, Homestuck 2 is back! Looks like the art team problems are getting worse, but maybe the writing’s good? Quick, recap of the story so far, since there was a hiatus

Previously, on Homestuck 2: DIRK: I’m evil now and we’re on a new planet where we shall create our own lifeforms and rule them as gods ROSE: I’m making memes and vaginas DIRK: NOOOOO ROSE: Jade got me preganté and we named our kid Yiffy and I kept it a secret from everyone this whole time, including my wife but inexplicably not the dictator I’ve trying to overthrow, who kidnapped her JOHN: NOOOOO CALLIOPE: I’m in ur bod drinking ur juice JADE: NOOOOO CALLIOPE: Oh, like you’re not used to having weird people inside you, skank JADE: Wow, rude, I’m kicking you out of my brain for that CALLIOPE: NOOOOO JOHN: Man, I love how my son tells me everything and keeps no secrets KARKAT: John! Vriska’s alive and she murdered the clown pope and your son is hiding her because he and his friends are wanted for treason JOHN: ...... KARKAT: You’re supposed to say “NOOOOO” John: Why would I? That fucking rules! We now return to Homestuck 2

Yay, we’re finally seeing Davebot, Aradia, and Calliope. Fun fact: In a comic with like ten billion retcons and timeline splits, this Aradia is still the definitive “real” Aradia in a way no other character can claim to be (except Sollux), which is a fun endgame for a character who was introduced has having hundreds of thousands of duplicates. I can not wait to see how the HS2 writers ruin her. (Also, where did they get a rocket ship?)

Also it it me, or is there something a little off about this art?

DAVEBOT: beep boop ARADIA: i have told you several times that i was a robot before and i know for a fact you dont have to say beep boop DAVEBOT: hm that sounds fake does not compute ARADIA: david DAVEBOT: mom

“David”?

This is the first indication in the entire series that any of these kids’ names are short for anything, something Hussie explicitly said wasn’t the case but which was never actually addressed in the comic proper so I guess it’s not a plot hole. Still, it feels a little....wrong?

ARADIA: well we are both an infinite number of years old living countless lifetimes at once but thats no reason to waste any of our...

Wait, what?! Aradia is Ultimate, too? When did that happen?! Why does she not need a robot body?

DAVEBOT: time DAVEBOT: say time ARADIA: ... DAVEBOT: time then make a weird face

There’s a fine line between “callback” and straight up recycling a joke.

ARADIA: would you say you are hung up on leaving your wife and friends behind DAVEBOT: are you ARADIA: am i hung up about leaving your wife and friends behind ARADIA: i do not think that i am no DAVEBOT: arent you even a little guilty about ditching your boyfriend ARADIA: what ARADIA: oh fuck

I do like the implication here that Aradia flat forgot about Sollux. Poor dude can’t catch a break. .

Ooh, an [S]. An extremely basic one, but still. Also, from this scene in the epilogues:

The distant sounds of war travel above the canopy of a forest. The artillery fire fades to a series of muted knocks and thuds as the sound waves cross beyond a thinning patch of the forest and arrive in a clearing of grass and shrubbery. Above, the sky is dramatic, colorful, menacing. The way it looks when a storm is coming. The clouds are wild, whipped into a sort of spatial frenzy, as if they know what’s imminent is no earthly phenomena. Aradia stands in the field, her mouth gaping wide. But not at the sky.

Probably the starkest example of how the epilogues presented Earth C has falling about and doomed and stormy and scary like the system crash in Reboot and Homestuck 2 has it all sunny and bright. I kind of wish HS2 kept the semi-apocalyptic feel of the epilogues, even if it made Aradia’s spurious decision to leave Sollux behind way more dickish.

Oh hey, God’s back, and back in the body of the OG pre-Retcon Jade Harley. There’s something very Shoujo about this posing.

DAVEBOT: thanks JADE: They sit in each other's presence, the silence between them as meaningful as any words they could exchange. DAVEBOT: its always really cool to hear how meaningful my silences are DAVEBOT: especially while DAVEBOT: CALCULATING DAVEBOT: CALCULATING DAVEBOT: especially while i am attempting to experience them

I think Calliope, and possibly Aradia, is shipping Dave/Aradia right now, which is a pairing that has some comedic appeal were it not for Dave’s gayness.

ARADIA: i think she looks quite lovely covered in the viscera of the all-powerful enemy she consumed ARADIA: floating lifelessly in our periphery

We just established that this is months after they left Candyland. Has Jade’s body been covered in the blood and guts of Lord English this entire time? Take a goddamn shower, Jesus.

Oh, there we go. Much better. Also, the one thing I heard about this upd8 was all the discussion of jorts, and then Dave references jorts, but no one is actually wearing them, unless Aradia’s got a pair on under her cultist robes? (Also, is Calliope’s Jade body healed from the shard of reality that killed it originally, or is there just a huge hole under her shirt)?

JADE: As a point of curiosity- ARADIA: oh shit!!!!

The dead Cherub possessing the body of an equally deceased Goddess of Space pauses at the interruption. Were she to voice her opinion, it would be that --actually-- it is not unusual for those whose primary concern is The Grander Scheme to have a passing curiosity about the insignificant. So when one really thinks about it, any annoyance with the attendant’s small mindedness is both understandable and warranted.

ARADIA: :(

Given how much time was spent on how Terezi can sense Dirk’s narration, I like how Calliope’s narration is literally just her talking out loud and everyone can clearly hear it and just assumes it’s like a troll quirk.

ARADIA: in this form our bodies stop aging once we reach maturity i think ARADIA: the god tier keeps our physical form locked in a state of undying ARADIA: even in death the bodies do not decay ARADIA: only lay dormant DAVEBOT: no thats boring DAVEBOT: like how long have you been alive JADE: yes, that one.

One of the things I don’t fully get about Calliope is why there’s stuff like this she doesn’t know. Another thing I don’t get: How come John and Jake are visibly middle-aged? They’re gods, too.

ARADIA: you were there too i threw your air conditioner into the sun DAVEBOT: wow thats fucked up DAVEBOT: thats not where that goes at all JADE: these events are not-canonical. ARADIA: rude

I believe this is a reference to Pesterquest?

DAVEBOT: is that the trope of being hundreds of years old but looking young forever patently sucks ass DAVEBOT: a plot device an asshole would write ARADIA: :( JADE: that is not what i am trying to say at all. DAVEBOT: hmm wow yeah thatd really be a sort of pot/kettle situation i guess DAVEBOT: i cant believe im the only woke one here DAVEBOT: its hard being such a visionary AND such a fine metallic specimen

What the fuck is David even talking about? What?

DAVEBOT: but can she see why kids love the sweet cinnamon taste of cinnamon toast crunch JADE: i do not know, or care, what that means. ARADIA: neither do i :)

I like the “Best Narrator” mug, and with this sudden headache to interrupt the laughter comes the end of the chapter and presumably a lead in to the next one when we’ll learn what’s blowing Calliope’s mind

#Homestuck #Homestuck 2 #Homestuck 2 Liveblog

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autisticlalna · 3 years

Note

mmmmmmm the lore goes so deep my mind is going brrrrrr!!! this is all so cool im all mmmmmmmm, !!!!!!! Its So Cool!!!

ive now read the wiki page on the first wyatt masoning! i cannot believe how unbelievably cool the events are in blaseball! the whole frequency thing and some players didnt get their names fully changed back and!!! NaN!!! i see why you love NaN bc i now also adore NaN. that is. fantastic. AND i saw ur art on MaX's page its still so pretty ahhhhhh!!!!! bro all ur contributions to blaseball and MaX r so cool!!!! aw uve got such good ideas i cant wait to see the wiki page once its al done

aw but ye getting good pics of mc skins can be hard. if u know someone w a minecraft account they can equip em and then u can see them on namemc, which can give good pics, but then u need to know someone who has a minecraft account

a waffle house existing in another dimension is the least weird part of all of this lore. that fully checks out. MaX should enjoy xer time there, that is good vibes. and yeee, definitely all the wyatts hang out and vibe together!! do status effects never go away then? or they dont happen on purpose? i assumed any of the wyatts would have to, like, intentionally activate their echoes, so no echoing out of existence by accident

gfhfhdsHDSADD dont make me emotional abt original wyatt mason now the microphone!!! have hope????? i dont even go here and id cry abt that wht the hey!!! bro the coin is so mean, can't believe the true enemy to baseball was capitalism all along. do boss battles happen often? it sounds like a boss battle against the coin is upcoming

thats So Much Cool Necromancy Lore tho!!!! dude!!! this is the coolest baseball simulator in the history of both baseball and simulators!!!! the modifiers are so cool, im in awe of all the work the devs must do. that is such a cool series of things. BUT OH NO ON MAX ECHOING DEBT. that would be so dangerous. MaX isnt even the only one with echo, right, isnt it all the wyatt masons? that is so much potential risk, oh no. thank goodness for sure for siestas, that is a lot to unpack. this is all So Cool

GOD YEAH BLASEBALL RULES the most fun part abt the first Wyatt Masoning to me is like. it was a glitch! the Grand Unslam was a glitch bc the site broke and the devs had to roll it back. the Wyatt Masoning was a glitch that happened when the devs tried to do Something to Wyatt / the Tacos in general and everything broke. and now there’s this whole entire ongoing plotline that’s still a thing SEASONS LATER, and !! the devs are so fuckin cool when it comes to rolling with whatever the fuck happens. its like a ttrpg but its baseball

i love NaN so so so much,,, NaN is like. one of the fan favs fhgxkldhdflkf their lore is so cool and !! ive been super attached to them for forever now. which i lovingly blame my taco friend for, thanks aquelon MAN the fact that the Wyatts exist now so theres like 13 copies of who NaN Used To Be around and , fuckin. smth that came up in the lore jam was MaX is like, trying to figure out who xe is besides just A Wyatt, yeah? MaX looks up to NaN!! NaN has gone through A LOT, like a lot has happened in blaseball since the Wyatt Masoning and with how many teams they’ve been a part of and they’ve learned and grown and MaX hasnt yet because MaX didn’t exist until last season. so NaN is like, even though MaX is potentially older NaN is still more Mature and someone that MaX could Be Like and aaaaaaaaaaa

i have a mc acc so i should probably just. do that fhglxhkgf cant wait to forget to change my skin next time i stream mc so it’s two palanauts and then a blaseball

a joke-y thing is that MaX works at the Elsewhere Waffle House and might be the manager? bc of being stuck there over siesta. like, xe has nothing else to do, xe might as well. i have a semi-shitposty twitter rp acc for xem and xe ate grass bc xe was bored and Coolname Galvanic, pitcher for the Tokyo Lift, told xem to

status effects are like!! so there’s several kinds of mods, some of which are permanent, some of which only last a season, and some of which are like. have a chance to fade. Elsewhere is one of the ones that has a chance to fade, like each time the player that’s Elsewhere would normally have a turn there’s a chance that they’ll show back up. MaX got sent Elsewhere late in the season and we didn’t make it to the playoffs, so xe didn’t return before siesta and won’t have a chance to return until next season the Echo modification is permanent, but it only activates in Feedback and Reverb weather (w/ the Echo copying the modifications of the opponent team in Feedback and the mods of their team in Reverb) and when it activates it just like. Goes. in xer first game, MaX echoed like 3 times back-to-back and all of us were going WHAT THE FUCK???? bc that was us finding out what Echo DOES lmao. like any time MaX is up to bat in Feedback or Reverb, xe has a chance to start echoing and then will copy other players until xe gets an out or a hit. the lore on how intentional echoing is is a bit wiggly rn but i hc it as involuntary bc it really does just fuckin Happen and MaX gets stuck with shit mods fghlkxfhlkxf

IM GONNA FUCKIN CRY OVER THE MICROPHONE!!!!!!! i went through his twitter today bc it got pointed out that he mentions Wyatts, plural, a few times and i got super emotional bc he’s just!! he’s doing his best!!!!!! he wants to help his friends but he’s Stuck and the entity he thought he could trust to keep everyone safe has probably just tried to fuckin, either assassinate him or at least cut his connection!!!!!!! and we dont know what happened to him or if he’ll be back or what and aaaAAAA capitalism is very much the enemy. fuck the Coin, at least the Peanut was upfront abt hating us fhglkhdxkghf the Coin is like. gatekeep gaslight girlboss. mostly girlboss. so far the only boss battle has been against the Peanut-- there was like, two rounds? there was Season 9, Day X when the Charleston Shoe Thieves won the championship and then got fuckin Obliterated by the Peanut coming down, pulling together a team, and curbstomping them, and then Season 10 Day X was the Peanut kicking the shit out of the Baltimore Crabs before the Monitor and Jaylen, with help from the Microphone, were able to counterattack. that’s been the only instance so far, but the fandom is Definitely gearing up for a fight against the Coin. there’s some theories that the Absurd Amount Of Wyatts is gonna lead to another situation of like, the Wyatts are gonna end up being a team on their own? vs a Coin-led team. im not really sure on that one myself bc it feels too much like a repeat of vs the Peanut but either way the Coin is going the fuck down

the amount of work the devs do is honestly Staggering, especially w how much of this is practically on the fly? like, dude. blaseball is a fucking marvel. AND YEAH LIKE,, ALL THE WYATTS MASON HAVE ECHO,,, only MaX and Ivy are still in play right now but uh. you know how i mentioned the Receivers? so, it turns out, whenever a Wyatt echoes a mod, that mod gets copy-pasted across all the Receivers (there was, like, four of them. we are now down to three because Something Tragic Happened). so if MaX echoes Debt, which could be very possible if we play in Reverb weather because of us having a necromancied player on our team, that could get spread to NaN, Moses Mason, and Sixpack Dogwalker. NaN and Sixpack are both in Mild High rn, but Moses is in... Wild Low, i think? Moses is in Wild with Ivy. so, uh, even Wild ain’t safe

#im so glad to share my love of how fuckshit wild blaseball is fhgkldhlgk #Anonymous #blaseball #leo.txt

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worldserasingandcreatinginmymind · 4 years

Text

The Intern | Part Five

Summary: You move to New York to focus on your art but end up working as an intern at Stark Enterprises

Chapter Summary: it’s the night of the fundraiser ball, a night that will change your life forever

Pairing: Tony Stark x Reader, Peter Parker x Reader (friendship)

Word Count: 2803

Warnings: gets kinda intense towards the end

A/N: for the purposes of this story Stark Enterprise is set out like an office building in New York and the story does not follow the same timeline as the movies. Reader does not know Peter is SpiderMan. Also, spelling and grammar is not my strongest skill so please be kind :)

Part Four | Masterlist

- - - - -

When you arrive at the location of the fundraiser ball, Tony gets out of the car first and walks around to open the door for you. He holds his hand out for you to take and you get out of the car, thanking him. You take a moment to brush down your dress and he presents his arm for you to hold onto. You walk together up the steps towards the grand building and the man at the door ticks your names off the guest list before opening the door to let you in. Tony gives him a small knowing nod as you walk past.

Once inside the building you feel a sudden wave of anxiety hit you. What if this event goes horribly wrong, it would surely be your fault as the one who helped organise it. What if no one bids on the items at auction and no money is raised? Tony gives you arm a small squeeze.

“you ready?”

Then another thought pops in your mind. What will people think when they see you and Tony walk in together, arm in arm? Will they judge you? Will they think you only got this job because you’ve been flirting with him? You push all those thoughts out of your mind. You’ve worked so hard to make tonight happen, you are not going to let anything ruin it. Especially not your own mind. You take a deep breath, turn to Tony and smile.

“lets do this”

You make your way down the grand staircase into the ballroom where already a lot of the guests are waiting. A few turn to look at Tony, and then at the girl on his arm. You spot Peter stood over by the wall, all dressed up in his suit, talking to MJ who looks almost unrecognisable out of her barista outfit. Peter gives you an excited wave and you smile back at him.

When you reach the bottom of the stairs you're instantly crowded by press flashing their cameras at you both and asking for statements from Tony, mostly about this evenings event but you hear a few questions asking who you are. Tony holds his hand up and they all stop to listen.

“You were invited here tonight to report of the fantastic charities were fundraising for, not to look for gossip. I will be answering questions later on this evening but for now, I have to buy my wonderful PA a drink. Excuse us.” He says and they all watch as Tony walks you past them all in the direction of the bar. You're stunned at how much control he has over them and relieved that he got you out of that overwhelming situation. You wonder how celebrities must cope having paparazzi and press following them around.

The bartender comes straight over when you reach the bar and Tony orders you both some drinks. As you wait you look around the room at everyone looking lovely in their fancy tuxedos and ball gowns and you smile. Suddenly you're aware that Tony is watching you. You turn to look at him, leaning against the bar looking like someone out of a James Bond movie in his tuxedo.

“what?” You say when he just continues looking at you.

“you really do look beautiful” he replies and you blush.

“well I must say you do look rather dapper yourself sir” you say putting on a posh voice. Tony laughs.

“sir? You haven’t called me that in a while” he takes the drinks from the bartender and hands you yours.

“can you believe I used to be scared of you” you laugh and take a sip of your drink.

“and how do you feel about me now?” He smirks and takes a drink, looking at you over the top of his glass. Is he flirting with you?

Before either of you can say anything else Peter appears next to you with MJ.

“hey y/n. Mr Stark, sir. This is MJ.” He says confidently and you find yourself feeling proud of him.

“I hear you’re the one I have to thank for the exceptionally good coffee?” Tony says.

“thats me” MJ replies taking a bow.

“look after this one kid, she’s a keeper” he says to Peter who smiles awkwardly and you take another sip of your drink to cover your laugh.

“as much as I am enjoying embarrassing you Peter, I’m afraid my duty calls. People to greet, awful jokes to fake laugh at…” Tony says and you roll your eyes playfully “nice to finally meet you MJ, this kid don't shut up about you” he pats Peter on the shoulder and leaves. Peter looks like he wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

“lets get you guys some drinks eh?” You say as you get the bartenders attention. “soft drinks only” you clarify, remembering they’re both still underage.

You give them their drinks and the three of you head over to a seating area in the corner to chat.

————

After about an hour of talking and laughing with Peter and MJ, Tony appears behind you and puts his hands on your shoulder. He leans forward so he can talk to you.

“I have someone who wants to meet you” he says and as you turn to look at him Steve Rogers sits down on the sofa next to you.

“good evening y/n”

“hi” is all you manage to say back, feeling slightly starstruck. Right in front of you is the face you’ve sketched so many times. His jawline really is perfect.

“Tony tells me you're quite the artist, I cant wait to see what you’ve painted for the auction tonight”

“yeah y/n’s paintings are wonderful, but you should really see some of the stuff in her sketchbook. Now that is interesting.” Tony teases

“oh no no, no one wants to see the stuff in there. Just full of doodles really” you respond shooting Tony a look, he winks at you.

“hey cap?” You hear someone call and Steve looks over then back to you.

“ah I gotta go. But it was lovely to meet you y/n. I’ll see you around.” He stands up and looks at Peter “good to see you again kid” he says, and you sense theres some history between the two of them.

Peter smiles awkwardly, sinking into his chair slightly. Steve walks off in the direction of whoever was calling him and Tony takes his space on the sofa. He nudges you.

“i’m sorry but that was brilliant. You're face was priceless” he laughs

“you couldn’t have warned me he was going to be here? When did you even add him to the guest list?” You respond

“I wanted it to be a surprise”

You punch him playfully in the arm, and turn your attention to Peter.

“you didn’t tell me you knew Captain America?” You say and he looks startled.

“oh, I don't really. uh, we just… kinda met once” he stutters and you look confused. Why is he being so secretive?

“ladies and gentlemen, the auction is about to begin. Please take your seats” The announcer calls from the stage. Tony stands up and holds his hand out for you to take.

“m’lady” he says trying to sound like a posh British butler.

You hold his hand and stand up. You walk over in the direction of the stage and find your seats. Peter and MJ sit next to you. Once everyone is sat ready the announcer starts speaking.

“ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming tonight. Before the auction starts I would like to invite to the stage the man who made tonight possible, Mr Tony Stark!”

The crowd start applauding as Tony stands up. He turns and give a wave to everyone before heading up to the stage and taking the mic.

“thank you, thank you everyone” the applause dies down “tonight is a very important night. We’re raising money for some really important charities and we’ve got some great items on offer for you guys tonight so make sure you get out your wallets and dig deep. Before we start I do have some thank yous I need to give out. Firstly thank you to the owners of this amazing building for letting us use it tonight. Thank you Richard for hosting the auction.” he gestures to the announcer stood at the side of the stage who takes a bow “Thank you to my incredible PA y/n for working so hard to arrange all of this. Everyone thinks its me that arranged tonight but she’s the one who’s done all the work really. Without her this wouldn’t have been possible, so thank you y/n” he points you out in the audience and Peter gives a loud ‘woop’ next to you. You can feel yourself blushing. “and lastly thank you to all of you for coming. Now let’s spend lots of money!” The audience laugh and applaud as Tony makes his way off stage back over to sit by you. He squeezes your knee gently and whispers “sorry if that embarrassed you”

“its fine” you shake your head and smile at him.

— — — —

“and now we come to lot number 24 in the auction. A painting made and donated to us by a miss Y/N Y/L/N”

You feel your heart flutter with a mix of excitement and nerves as your painting is bought on stage and the announcer walks over to remove the sheet covering it. You take a deep breath and hold it as the painting is revealed, wondering what people will think of it. You sneakily look at Tony’s face to see his reaction at seeing it for the first time, but he just stares forward at the stage expressionless. Does he not like it?

The bidding starts and a few people raise their boards to bid. The price is slowly creeping up, but not by much. Suddenly Tony raises his board.

“five thousand dollars” he shouts confidently and your mouth drops open in shock. You hear a few gasps from members of the audience, and even the announcer himself looks amazed.

“wow! Generous bid there of five thousand, do I head any advances on five?”

Everything after that was a bit of a blur and before you knew it the price was up to seven thousand. It seemed people actually wanted your painting. Tony stands out of his chair, raises his board and bids ten thousand dollars.

“oh my God, y/n!” you hear Peter say in amazement next to you and he excitedly nudges you.

“ten thousand going once, going twice” the announcer bangs his hammer “sold for ten thousand dollars to Mr Tony Stark”

The crowd applaud and you bring your hands up to your face in shock, laughing. You cant believe that something you painted just sold for ten thousand dollars. Even though you wouldn’t see any of that money you didn’t care.

Tony sits down again and turns to you.

“I told you I wanted something to brighten up my office.”

“you could have just asked me, id have painted you something for free” you say, still laughing.

“oh. Is it too late to take back my bid?” he jokes, putting his arm around your shoulder to hug you.

— — — —

After the event is finished Happy drives you back to your apartment. Tony opens the car door for you and walks you inside to your front door. You unlock the door, step inside and turn around to look at Tony.

“I think we can call tonight a success” Tony says and you nod

“yeah, we did do good didn’t we”

“you did. I meant what I said up on that stage, tonight would not have happened if you hadn’t been so dedicated to making it work. Im really proud of you y/n”

You blush and look down at the floor.

“hey” Tony says putting a hand under your chin to gently lift your head up to look at him “you should be proud of yourself too”

You nod slightly, looking into his eyes. He moves towards you slowly, eyes flicking down to your lips. You have plenty of time to back away, but you don’t. And neither does he. You close your eyes and your lips meet. He moves his hand to the side of your face and you bring yours up to behind his neck, pulling him in more. The kiss naturally comes to an end and you both pull away slowly, looking at each other smiling.

“now get some sleep. We’ve got a long day of clean up tomorrow”

“cant wait” you joke sarcastically

“good night y/n” Tony starts to walk away.

“good night Tony”

You shut the door and stand there for a moment, taking in everything that happened tonight. It went so much better than you could have imagined and you did feel proud. You go to bed smiling.

— — — —

In the early hours of the morning you're woken up by a crash coming from the living room, like something had been knocked over. You lie in bed for a moment, presuming it was nothing but then you think you hear something else and you sit bolt upright listening carefully. You get out of bed and slowly creep towards your bedroom door, opening it as quietly as possible. Peering through you cant see anything out there so you continue to tip toe out the door. You walk into your living room and notice your window is open. You must have forgotten to shut it and the breeze knocked something over. You walk over to pull it closed and suddenly feel an arm come around you from behind, restraining you. You try to scream but another hand covers your mouth.

”got her” you hear the male voice say.

You kick as much as you can as the man with a mask covering his face throws you down on the sofa, holding you down.

“get the shot” he says and another man in a mask appears next to him holding a needle with some sort of liquid in it. You continue to try kick and scream but its no good. The other man pushes your head back and you feel a sharp pain as the needle jabs into your neck. He starts injecting the liquid into you but is stopped half way as he’s suddenly thrown across the room. The other man holding you down gets up to try fight but is soon sent flying too. You sit up and see Spiderman coming to help you up.

“run y/n, find somewhere to hide! quick!” He shouts as one of the men starts getting back up. You do as he says and run back to your room, grabbing your watch off the bedside table and climbing into your small closet to hide. You pull the door shut behind you and sit on the floor, swiping at the watch face to bring up the alarm button just like Tony had shown you. Your hands are shaking as you press the button and hold the watch close to your chest. After a few moments you hear the sound of fighting stop, then you hear footsteps running into your room. You bring your hand up to cover your mouth, trying to quiet your breathing not knowing who is in your room. The closet door flies open and Iron Man stands looking at you. He immediately crouches down, removes his helmet and Tony pulls you into him tightly.

“its okay y/n, I’m here. I’m here. You're safe.” He can feel how much you're shaking as you sob, struggling to catch your breath. He releases you from the hug and puts his hands on your shoulders. “breathe y/n, I need you to breath. okay? Can you fo that for me?”

You look at him, tears streaming down your face trying to focus on him. He tells you to breath with him and you do, not taking your eyes off him until finally you're breathing stabilises. “Did they hurt you?” He asks full of concern but before you can answer someone else runs into your room calling your name. You look over to see Spiderman stood in your bedroom doorway without his mask on. You squint through your teary eyes and recognise the face.

“Peter?! Why are you dressed like… you're the Spiderman?!” You say, finally realising the truth.

“I can explain” he blurts but stops talking when you start screaming and writhing in agony. You feel like your blood is on fire. You don't know what’s happening to you but you hate it. Tony tries to get you to tell him what’s wrong but you cant speak.

Then everything goes black.

Part Six

Taglist: @brownbuble, @star-trek-is-my-lifesource, @shookie-shookie

#Tony Stark x reader #Tony Stark fanfic #Tony Stark imagine #Tony stark #iron man x reader #iron man fanfic #iron man imagine #Robert downey jr #marvel imagine #marvel fanfic #iron man #Robert downey jr x reader #Peter Parker x reader #spiderman x reader #spiderman #tom holland

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asphalt-cocktail · 4 years

Text

Third Time’s the Charm

Summary: Little snippets of your and Ben’s childhood friendship and when you finally realized you loved him.

A/N: Hi everyone! This is for DTFRogertaylor’s Valentine’s Day event! I got the ever lovely @killer-queen-xo. I hope you enjoy the story! I had a ton of fun writing it and sorry it’s a day late!

Pairing: Ben Hardy x F!Reader

Warnings: Language, angst, lots of fluff

Word Count: 4.8k

When you broke your arm, 6 years old

A knock at your front door alerted your parents to guests, they opened the door to reveal a nice looking woman, an older man and a young boy around your age. The grown ups talked and you were told to “Go out side and play with Ben, sweetie.” Reluctantly you agreed to follow this chubby cheeked blonde haired boy outside to your back yard.

“I’m Ben.” He gave you a big grin, you felt slightly jealous that he had already lost his first tooth. You could tell by big gap in his grin.

“I’m [Y/N],” you offered shyly.

Your folks were still in the middle of unpacking, only having just arrived that morning which unfortunately meant your outside toys were packed away. But, you followed Ben’s gaze to the large oak tree that stood in the middle of your back yard, “I bet you cant get to the top.” Ben challenged you.

You shy timid nature was suddenly shattered, Ben had no idea how seriously your five year old self too challenges, especially from some smug boy “I can do it.” You retorted, running towards the tree as fast as your tiny legs could carry you.

You easily caught your footing on the seemingly perfect placed tree branches and up, up, up you went, “I told you I could do it!” You shouted back at Ben. Your leg slipped on one of the thinning branches and your heart thumped loudly in your chest. You put on a brave face and turned, sitting on a tree branch and looking down to where Ben looked like a tiny ant. You could see everything from up here, well just the tops of the surrounding neighborhood houses, but to your small mind it felt like you could see the whole world.

Ben grinned manically up at you “I cant believe you did it!” He shouted, “I’m gonna come up!” He scrambled towards the base of the climbing tree.

Your watched him run to the base of the tree and suddenly it felt as though you climbed too high. You looked around and attempted to find a place to lower yourself, but the branches became a jumbled mess. You felt overwhelmed and your chest began to heave with nervousness, “Wait!” You yelled back, sounding terrified, “Don’t come up until I come down, I need help.” You felt tears pricking at your vision and sniffed, wiping your eyes.

“Don’t worry!” He looked up at you and held his arms out bravely, “I got you!” He promised.

You shook your head, “I cant do it.” Your vision went blurry and your shoulders shook from crying.

Ben’s face softened “Just jump,” he urged you, “I’ll catch you I promise!”

For some reason, you believed him.

You waved in and out of consciousness, remembering your father carrying you to the car. Ben apologizing frantically and what seemed like an endless number of doctors until you finally woke up.

Your arm was broken in three spots from your fall, it was going to heal just fine but for now you had on an ugly flesh tone cast that prevented you from moving it. You looked around the hospital room, past your parents, “Is Ben here?” You asked eagerly.

Your mother and father looked at each other with slightly apprehensive looks on their face, “Yeah, he’s in the waiting room sweetie.” Your mom said.

“I wanna show him my cast! Can he sign it?” You asked moving your arm, but wincing at the pain.

Your mom sighed, “Yeah I’ll go get him.” She said before walking to the waiting room.

Within a few minutes Ben and his folks filled the room, “Aw man! I thought you died!” Ben grinned at you and scrambled up to sit next to you on the hospital mattress, avoiding his mother’s scolding remarks. He made himself comfortable and sat cross legged, “I thought I really could catch you, you know, but then I didn’t and you just hit the ground like a sack of rocks. You shudda seen your arm!” He eagerly babbled on and on about your fall, and you listened.

When he finished his story you held your arm out to show off your cast, “I want you to be the first on to sign it!” You grinned at him.

Ben looked at you in awe. Signing a cast was a big deal.

Well according to the two of you it was .

He messily scrawled his name down, the letters looking wobbly and unpracticed, “When you break your arm I’ll be the first one to sign it too, promise?” You asked looking up at him wide eyed.

Ben’s brows knit together, “I promise.” He answered back sounding determined.

————

Your First Boyfriend, 18 years old

You were 18 and it was your first year at University, you met Jake in an English class. He offered to edit your papers and wore button downs every day you saw him in class. Naturally a college romance blossomed.

You couldn’t get enough of him, he was funny, smart, charming; truly a package deal. You couldn’t wait to introduce him to your high school best friend, Ben, this was what would seal the deal.

In the weeks leading up to your planned dinner together, you would not stop talking about Jake to Ben.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t wait for you to meet him!” You practically squealed on the phone.

Ben laughed and the phone line crackled, “You’ve been talking about him nonstop for the last three days.” You could hear the grin in his voice and as he spoke.

You laid on your lumpy dorm mattress and looked up at the white painted ceiling, “I know, I’m just excited is all.” You matched his grin, “I think the two of you are really gonna hit it off. He’s into sports too you know.”

“Is that all your basing our friendship off of?” Ben quipped, teasing you, “You know a lot of people like sports.”

After your phone call, you laid back onto your bed. A sudden wave of nerves washing over you; what if he and Ben didn’t get along? What if Ben was different? It was going to be the first time the two of you saw each other since your college moves. Your nerves and excitement churned your tummy in an unpleasant way and kept you awake for most of the night.

You tossed and turned, moving your pillow around, adjusting your blankets, and listening to the rowdy college students that walked through the hallways.

The following morning when you met Ben at the train station, he greeted you with a big warm hug. You inhaled his scent, it reminded you of home.

“So where is this Jake guy?” Ben pressed, throwing his bag into your car.

You shrugged, “He had class this morning so he couldn’t come with, but don’t worry you’ll meet him at dinner!” You tapped at the steering wheel nervously.

Ben told you all about his acting coach and how much he loved living in London. His eyes were bright with excitement as he talked, it caused a surge of warmth to spread through your chest. Ben was always so animated when he talked about something he was passionate for.

Getting to spend the whole day with Ben was exciting and nice, seeing him reminded you of home and back when you weren’t piled neck deep in essays. But, dinner time was what you were truly excited for; your two favorite boys getting to meet each other at last.

You showered and dressed in the bathroom attached to your dorm suite while Ben waited patiently for you to finish getting ready. You wore something casual, yet still nice. When you stepped back into your dorm room Ben’s face lit up, he cast a familiar, warm smile at you “You look great!” He complimented.

A wave of bashfulness washed over you, “Thank you, Benny” You smiled softly at him. “You clean up nicely too.” You said noting how he had changed into a nice button down while you had been getting ready.

When the two of you arrived at the restaurant, Jake had already gotten a table for the two of you inside. Ben was nervous, what if this Jake fella was a complete and total prick? His feelings for you had teetered over the line of best friend for quite sometime now and as much as that it pained him to hear you talk on and on about how great Jake was, he, in all honesty, just wanted you to be happy.

When Ben’s eyes fell upon the infamous Jake he noted the man’s tall thin stature and dark hair, almost the complete opposite of Ben. He pursed his lips into a thin line and felt a pang of jealousy wash over him when Jake greeted you with a hug and kiss on the cheek.

“Jake,” you grinned, “This is Ben, my best friend from back home.”

Ben reached his hand out and gripped Jakes in a firm hand shake; it was as though either one was trying to establish dominance via who gave off the firmer grip, “Pleasure.” Ben said giving a too friendly smile.

The you and Jake sat across from Ben in the booth, “So, [Y/N] tells me you’re going to school for engineering?” Ben asked.

Jake looked up from his bowl of pasta, “Oh yeah, materials focused. I liked music, but the arts didn’t seem like a very practical field of study for future jobs.”

Oof, that felt like a personal attack. Ben’s shoulder’s tensed ever so slightly, “A lot of people don’t go into the arts because they’re too weak to take constructive criticism.” Ben humbled, raising his glass to his lips and quirking his brow at Jake.

“Ben is going to school for acting!” You excitedly mentioned, “He was telling me all about his acting coach and the show he is doing for this semester-”

“I know, [Y/N],” Jake let out a less than amused laugh, “You’ve mentioned it practically a hundred times.” You sunk back into your seat, the familiar glimmer your eyes held now dampened. Ben did not like the tone Jake took with you.

As the night progressed, Ben tried to keep an open mind; but, to put it frankly, he hated Jake. He hated how Jake obviously looked down on you and though he was vastly smarter than you and the condescending remarks he would make and the way Jake constantly had to be holding your hand and shot you a look whenever you tried to take it away from him. None of it sat well with Ben.

“So, Ben, where are you staying tonight?” Jake asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin before he reached back and grabbed your probably too sweaty hand.

“[Y/N]’s floor.” Ben answered truthfully.

“You’re sleeping in the same room at her?” He pressed, brows furrowed.

“Yeah, we’re in college, mate,” Ben reminded your boyfriend, “It’s hard to afford a hotel for a few nights.” The fact that Ben was sleeping on your floor wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for your friendship. When the two of you were younger you would have sleepovers all the time.

“It’s not weird, Jake,” You gave him a reassuring smile and lightly squeezed his hand.

Jake made a face, showing his obvious discomfort with the situation, “Seems a bit weird to me.”

You let out a huff, “What do you not trust me?” You bit back harshly. An uncomfortable air settled between you three and you abruptly shook your hand away from Jake’s, “We’re all adults here, I’m sure Ben and I can sleep in the same room and not have it be weird.” You smoothed your hands over your jeans, “I’m sorry Jake is being so rude, Ben. He normally doesn’t act like this.”

Ben shrugged his shoulders “It’s okay.” It wasn’t, “I’m going to use the restroom I’ll be right back.” He said tossing his napkin from his lap onto the table.

“Fucking hell.” He mumbled, washing his hands with warm water and staring into the mirror. Part of him didn’t want to go back out and face the two of you arguing, he knew that once you got going on something there was really no way for you to back down. But, Jake wouldn’t know that after only knowing you for two months now would he?

Once Ben left the restroom he caught sight of you and Jake still locked in a heated debate and slowly meandered his way over to the table. You rubbed your face in frustration, “You can either sleep at my place and leave Ben in your dorm, or we can break up,” Jake angrily stated. You were obviously not happy with the result.

Ben gaped at your boyfriend, what the hell had he just walked into? You abruptly stood up, throwing a fist full of cash onto the table and grabbed Ben’s arm, “Let’s go.” You said tugging him to leave. You were practically seething with anger as you pulled your best friend through the restaurant, ignoring the stares you got.

“I’m sorry, [Y/N]” Ben said softly once the two of you got to your car, “I didn’t mean to ruin things.” He truly hadn’t, he just wanted to see you happy.

“I cant believe he couldn’t trust me,” You said your voice wavering with emotion. You gripped your steering wheel determined to not let the warm tears that stung at your eyes spill over. You were determined to be strong.

Ben turned towards you, a small frown on your face “Come here,” He said softly, pulling you into his chest, “[Y/N], you deserve so much better than that guy back there.” He cooed while resting his chin on your head.

You inhaled deeply; Ben smelt like spearmint gum, the cheap cologne you always made fun of him for wearing, and home. You finally let out a broken sob, allowing yourself to relax into Ben’s warm and familiar embrace, “I cant believe that he would actually think I would just leave you all alone in my room like that.” You said into Ben’s chest, your words muffled, “I made you come all the way from London to visit me, I’m not throwing it away just because some suit tells me to.”

Ben couldn’t help but let out a little laugh, “You know I was going to wait tell you this, but I brought a box of those cookies my mom always bakes with.”

You pulled away and looked at Ben, eyes red and slightly swollen from tears, “Ben, those are my favorite.” Your face contorted once more as you threatened to cry. Your best friend cupped your face, wiping away your tears and you smiled at him before leaning over to place a soft kiss on his cheek, “Thanks, Ben, what did I do to deserve a best friend like you.”

—————

His date to the world premier 28 years old

You stood in the mirror and looked at yourself. You could hardly believe that the person who looked back at you was in face yourself. Ben invited you to accompany him to the special premier of his most recent movie, Bohemian Rhapsody. You knew it was going to be big, but you didn’t think it was going to be designer dress, get your hair and makeup professionally done, big. But it was.

“Come on, the car is going to be here soon to pick us up!” Ben shouted as he walked past the door in long rushed strides. He stopped and backed up before turning to look at you once more, “You clean up nicely.” He gave you the same cheeky grin and admiring the soft curve of your hips in the dress he helped you pick out.

Your face felt hot when you looked at Ben, his black suit jacket covered his black mesh top, only allowing a stripe of skin to show. You swallowed thickly, suddenly the tight bodice of your dress felt too tight for you to breathe comfortably, “You, uh, you look nice too.” You attempted to play it cool, but your voice gave away your struggle.

“The car.” Ben said suddenly breaking the silence.

“Oh right! Shit, I need to get my shoes on, give me a second.” You said quickly sliding one foot into your pumps. You struggled to balance on one heeled foot and wobbled, your arms spreading out to steady yourself. You stumbled slightly “Woah,” You mumbled, furrowing your eyebrows now determined to put your shoe on. Ben reached out and his surprisingly soft hands gripped yours in his own. He stood firmly and you felt something stir within the depths of your belly from his touch. You ignored your swimming thoughts and slipped your other shoe on with ease.

What you had pictured this grandiose event to be was dwarfed by the actual scale of the event. As soon as you and Ben exited the limo you were met with a barrage of flashing lights and a wall of people yelling. The sounds overwhelmed your senses and the voices of the thousands of people gathered soon morphed into one giant voice that hammered away at your ear drums and caused your head to spin. You gripped Ben’s hand tightly and buried your face into the back of his shoulder as you stood behind him while he and his costars conversed with a reporter.

Ben glanced over his shoulder and leaned his head onto yours, his thumb smoothing over the skin on the back of your hand, “You okay?” He murmured.

You looked at him with wide and slightly terrified eyes, “‘M fine.” You huffed out.

Ben let out a small huffing laugh “Liar.” He teased, “I’ll be right back, I’ve got to show [Y/N] where the bathroom is.” He said politely excusing himself and leading you to a back area with refreshments. He grabbed a bottle of fancy water and opened it before handing it to you.

You drank down the cool liquid and sighed, “How the hell do you do it?” You asked shaking your head in disbelief.

Ben shrugged his shoulders, “It’s overwhelming, but it’s also nice to know so many people are appreciating something that you do.” He stuffed his hands into his fitted dress pants and pursed his lips into a thin line, “It helps having you with though, you know, it eases the nerves a bit.” His cheeks were flushed a slight pink color and he was smiling softly.

After the after party and a healthy amount of drinks the two of you some how managed to stumble your way back to the hotel suite Ben had booked for the night. You held your heels in one hand and leaned on Ben’s shoulder while the two of you giggled about nothing and fumbled through your purse to find the key card, “Come on, Ben.” You whined and slurred your words together from intoxication, “My feet hurt and I have to pee.” You leaned on him, your chin resting on his shoulder as Ben continued to rummage through your purse, past the lipstick and cards that made up its contents.

Ben turned towards you, your noses practically touching. He let out a shaky breathy that bounced off your face, it smelled like alcohol but you didn’t mind. “I found it.” He stated holding the card up, his voice suddenly gone hoarse.

He struggled to swipe it through the card reader, distracted by how your breath tickled the hairs on the back of his neck. He threw the door open and let out a sigh of relief once you pulled away from him. You quickly pushed past him and flopped down onto the bed, spreading your arms out and snuggling onto the soft comforter.

Ben messily kicked his shoes off and began to unbutton his mesh shirt. You glanced over at him and you felt heat spread from the tip of your nose to the back of your neck.

You sat up and handed Ben his jacket that he graciously gave you to keep you warm during the after party before you began to struggle with the zipper on the back of your dress. You stood up, your arms and body contorting in different ways so you could attempt to reach the zipper, but it proved to be a far bigger struggle than you were prepared for, “Benny?” You asked in a small voice.

He glanced up at you, swaying from side to side. You didn’t know if it was from nerves or alcohol, “Hmm?” He hummed.

You turned your back to him “Can you help me?” You sounded sheepish.

Ben swallowed thickly “yeah, course.” He answered and padded over to you.

He gripped the small zipper in his large fingers and eased it down, his face feeling hotter and hotter as more and more skin began to reveal itself to him. Without any thought, his fingertips lightly followed the zipper, tracing your skin in its wake and causing goosebumps to rise on your skin and your nerves to stand on end.

You shivered. You obviously felt it. He felt it.

A thick tension settled between the two of you and you were hit with an abrupt wall of sobriety. “Thank you,” Your voice was just barely above a whisper. You clutched the front of your dress to your chest and you grabbed your sleep clothes before shuffling away to the bathroom, the fabric of your dress pooling around your feet and rustling as you walked.

The following morning your head felt like it was swimming, not because of your hang over, but because of Ben.

The same Ben that had dared you to jump out of a tree when you were 8 years old and caused you to break your arm after he promised to catch you. The Ben that remembered the promise the two of you made after you broke your arm and wouldn’t let the rugby team sign the cast for his broken arm until you did. The Ben that was there for you when your first boyfriend dumped you and there for you for the several others that followed. The Ben that took you to the world premier of his movie and helped you pick out a lavish dress.

You sat in the bathroom, towel wrapped around your body and head in your hands while in deep ponderous thought. Why did you always been so much warmth every time the two of you hugged? You groaned in frustration, you could not have feelings for Ben.

But you knew you did. It gnawed at your insides like a parasite.

You sat there long enough for parts of your hair to dry before Ben knocked at the door, “[Y/N]?” He asked, “You okay in there?” He pressed

You jumped slightly surprised, “Yeah, sorry, just scrolling through twitter.” You answered back before you quickly rushed to get your clothes on.

“Did you still want to get breakfast?” Ben asked, you could hear the hopefulness behind his voice. That boy sure did love food.

You held your hand on the door knob and stared at it before opening it, “Yeah we can.” You answered, a small smile playing on your face.

You opened the door, only to be met staring face to face with Ben. “Excuse me.” You teasingly poked his chest so that he would move.

Ben stepped off to the side and allowed you space to slip past before he went in the bathroom to get ready.

You mindlessly scrolled through social media, but not before your eyes caught a news report on the movie premier. You licked your lips, unsure on if you should click and read through it. Going against your gut feeling you found yourself scrolling through and looking at the glorious images the photographers captured. You saw pictures of yourself and hardly recognized your own face all done up for a Hollywood party, and you saw pictures of Ben looking as stunning as ever on the red carpet.

As you continued to scroll through the feed you took note of the pictures of you and Ben, how he constantly was touching some part of your body in a tasteful manner whether it was a hand placed on the small of your back or lacing his fingers in his own.

It looked… natural…

The little glances that were captured showed how enamored you seemed to be with the man and how he equaled your affectionate gaze. Your stomach clenched at how the two of you looked like an actual couple.

“[Y/N].” Ben said, suddenly sounding close.

You jumped and immediately locked your phone before you turned to the side and smiled at Ben nervously. “Hey,” You said giving him a tight lipped smile.

“Are you okay?” He asked, “You look, off?” He didn’t know the word to use that explained your expression.

It was a combination of awe and longing.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You said and picked at the imaginary lint on your pants, “So about that food.” You let out in a quick breath.

“Oh, right, I’m starved.” He grinned and patted his tummy for added effect.

Despite feeling hungry you picked at your plate like a bird while Ben filled his belly full of breakfast food. “Are you sure you’re fine?” Ben pressed, arching his brow and letting his fork loosely hang in his hand.

You nodded your head, “Yeah, why?”

“You haven’t even put syrup on you pancakes, you just put butter on them and watched it melt.”

Right.

You shrugged, “Dunno, I’m just thinking.” You answered honestly.

Ben quirked his head at you in confusion, “About what?”

You.

“Last night.”

Ben felt his blood freeze, “What about last night?” He put his fork down, “I’m sorry if the paps overwhelmed you, I should have warned you about it ahead of time.” He followed, sounding genuinely worried by your little freak out on the red carpet.

You shook your head, “No it wasn’t that.” You chewed on the bottom of your lip nervously, “I just…” you didn’t know how to properly communicate how you were feeling, “I don’t know, I’m just being dumb.” You looked away and averted his gaze.

Ben reached over the table and gripped your hand in his own, smoothing his fingers over the soft skin on the back of your hand, “Don’t ever say that, [Y/N], you’re one of the most brilliant people I know.” Ben said giving your hand a soft squeeze and letting it linger there for a while.

It felt like his fingertips were burning into your skin. Even when he pulled away, you could still feel them lingering, “Why are you so nice to me.” You asked, half joking.

Ben shifted in his seat uncomfortably, “Because I like you.” He answered honestly and abruptly, “I have since I saw you climb to the top of that tree in your backyard.”

It felt like your heart skipped a beat in your chest, “Ben, that’s been more than twenty years.” You said back to him slightly shocked at his confession.

It felt like your eyes were staring holes right through him, “I know.” He firmly stood his ground on what he said.

You looked down at your hand where his fingers last touched yours and then back up at Ben who was staring at his plate, “I like you too.” You said shyly.

After your breakfast, Ben drove you back to your apartment and walked you up to the door where he lingered for a moment, obviously needing something to say, “Can I take you on a real date?” He asked, suddenly shy and red faced.

You smiled softly at him and shook your head, “Was taking me to the world premier of your movie not a date?” You joked.

Ben laughed and shrugged, “I didn’t know it was, so I told the reporters you were just a friend.” He answered honestly and scratched at the back of his neck.

You couldn’t help but join him in laughter, “Then yes, you can, but only if you kiss me.” You felt a sudden wave of boldness wash over you and your words fell out before you could close up with nerves.

Ben gave you a wide, toothy grin and brought his hand up to your face. He cupped your cheek in his palm and pulled you close, his lips lightly brushed against yours before he closed what little pace there was. His lips were chapped and he tasted like left over syrup from breakfast, but you didn’t mind.

You melted into his touch and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer against you and sighed against his mouth. There was something so familiar about his touch, it comforted you and caused a surge of warmth to spread through your body. The cool December air was long forgotten.

#ben hardy x reader #ben hardy #ben hardy fluff #STL event #reader insert

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