03.26.2024

numb the pain. <- song of my day

but like a happy day for me? tbh definitely ended on more of high note, a spark of hope after being unemployed for a week now.

i feel like i could write 15 sentences at the same time right now.

madness, insanity, sickness, disturbed, panic.

ecstasy, highs, journeys, toys, wanderlust.

modest, numb, emotional, passive.

literally just writing random words that pop in my head. feels like gonzo clarity. check me if it's narcissism. too much pride.

daily average for screen time on my iphone is 3.5 hours for the 3 days this week.

read and skimmed all the back to my opener post. i initially felt bad, sad, and let down. reading my thoughts of love for heather, but more so my feelings towards my self. talking to myself in this blog, scolding him nearly. listing my needs and realizing where i sit that i made not one attempt at getting those things. were they really needs or just fantasies though.

kinda feelin like fuck all that shit. maybe its the beers and esteem boost from my first hearing back on one the applications i sent out in the last 7 days.

whats always wild to me, is how i can drift off into my dreams, when i'm awake. the rare night where i just daydream and not even sleep. its so crazy to me, and i dont recall talking about that seriously with someone. wish i did with heather. but also the stimulation i get from twist my hair into knots. sometimes it hurts so good. but i get mad when it's really knotted, and i gotta rip it apart, usually with hair being ripped out. insane.

talking about today now. woke up late, but earlier than i thought after falling asleep around 3am. tried not to drink but caved last night and had a few swigs of casamigos followed by a lovely beer. technically counts as today! well i suppose only the events beginning at 12:00am. fuck it, yeah so i woke up, and funny i keep checking my phone for all kinds of notifications. first thing i read was a message from christian on insta about the boat hitting the bridge in baltimore. this is recent to the mass shooting in russia, god damn dark news. still seeing a bunch of posts about necann. i'm glad i've been to events, but felt i had no place going this year. i don't think i've been when working in the industry, but definitely when i was younger. took a much needed shower today and trimmed up. then went to whole foods and petco. nearly bought the exact same things from each store, from i got yesterday. took the amg out though, and always get excited to drive that beast. let it warm up right, cold start was rowdy as always. deffs got some good pops and bangs. fuckin car is so quick too, and so exhilarating. however i did get this great beer as well called "termination". spent a lot of time looking at crafties to get, and ultimately chose this one although it being a triple ipa. 10% abv and damnnnn smooth. i'm on my second one tonight. sipping out the duvel big round chalice that i got from an xmas yankee swap one year. but anyway, getting a hit back on an application from only yesterday was an esteem boost. seems like a company tha could really use my help, and that they'll have a lot of work cut out for me. falling in love a bit quick as i do my homework on them. keeping in my mind that its only a teams meeting planned for next week but was still the first i've heard in a week. this last week has felt like freedom. but also emptiness. i do miss my last job, and still trying to get a good understanding of how it ended. but it feels a lot like the lat time heather and i broke up. i had reached my breaking points with them months ago, and never recovered. but they cite a recent mishandling of a heroin related customer incident at the store, which i can see how they perceive as mishandling, but damn it really felt good to get fired. i just walked out they of my term. instant relief, not much to finalize with them either. anyway

running out of steam with my writing. im glad i did. btw, song of the day came from nowhere. i somehow had the song stuck in the head, and i searched a rough idea of the lyrics with xxxtentacion and nailed it. i've had it on repeat all day since. had it on loop in the car, and had it on loop during this whole session. a classic way i've listened to my favorite x songs, a repetitive lyric design with just guitar chords or sample. feel like he's here with me, just sharing his emotions with me.

came to love his music after a distinct memory of mine, being when i shurgged off his death as i read him to be an abuser in his relationship. came to realize he had remorse in his actions, and was on a mission that i never would found out myself. this girl told me he was one of her favs, and that's when i got into him. his music still took time to grow on me, but ive now listened to most of his music, and i think all of his albums, all the way through, multiple times. 17, ?, skins, bad vibes forever, and some of his early stuff from mixtapes and singles. but yeah, quite a learning and growing experience. ending sentences on the 4 beat, or like a significant strum or beat, just feels so good.

rest in peace jahseh.

thank you for helping me open up my mind in so many ways.

here's to me, and the life i've lived and will continue to complete. excited to see where life takes me. for now, a nostalgic night of no responsibilities, weed and beer.

signing off.

03.24.2024 pt.2

a shit and a smoke. pleasures.

out here feeling like an artist, but that's just my ego though. really though, social media is in fact digital, but digital art not a thing? all that isn't made by the earth, is essentially made by us. i consider us as mere copy cats of what the earth has to offer. i am no god, or elite, just an observer. my observations do not have to mean anything to you, i live my own world. although it does not feel like a choice, as i may have always portrayed it as such. empathy is hard for me. i love to get deep with people, and learn through their feelings. a lot of what makes me who i am is from who i've gotten to meet in my life. such as the people who i've spent time, who i could get a better understanding of, and so all of these people and what comes from my end of communication is what i believe to be the majority of who i am.

i like to write for me. i grew to not care for texting, unless i need it. my moods can really vary. i can't say that i've willingly been single for over 5 years. truthfully what feels more like since 2016 it's been this way. i really miss the times that i was with heather. side note i learned to type without autocorrect or a care for capitalizing. blog style.

but to summarize, i really miss heather. with her was the deepest i had been in love with someone. i feel like i haven't been living since.

truthfully i have many positives for my last 5 years.

got skinny working at whole foods.

worked at a brand new dispo that was local, and had been asking the owners for a job for over 4 years. got lucky with them going rec. had a lot of pains with them, but my network grew very well along with my rapport with the team. so many amazing throwback photos, only a few i keep up with.

did some time that i call "trapping" and felt like a young rock star. got two cars from working at the dispo and the trap. moved around a few times, and ultimately came to a screeching halt after getting covid.

then got into working two cannabis jobs for some time.

got promoted and committed to one job, multiple locations.

great success with two store openings, and got a manager role at a big store. - great pains from this store took their toll on me, but by far my biggest role and did so many things that i've dreamed about. went to a few expo events, got a 14 day business trip, and got to learn SO MUCH about management working with so many amazing leaders. my network blew up, and with high degree professionals. made the most money i'd ever seen and had great benefits.

i sit here tonight, heartfelt, nostalgic, sipping nicotine vape, having just smoked a fantastic hash bowl, and drinking probs just a couple beers. cant settle on what to watch, but imma go find something.

consider this a letter to myself, and all that love me, to love myself.

at the unhealthiest i've ever been, and have aged a lot. feeling so old from seeing me, people i've known, and how the world used to be. what i'd give to go back 18 years.

03.24.2024

anxiety by the boatload. but also not really,

more accurately, I'm regressing back to my old self. the self that was "me" almost 5 years ago. mainly reread my old post from before this one I'm doing now. my choice of words in sentence structure always makes me chuckle.

emotions. too confused and scared to think of what i'm feeling. i tell myself how to fell, and i feel like i don't "let" myself just feel sometimes. i change my mind on emotions. i also definitely hide them, but when, how often, what do i hide. i find i can't answer my question, but can someone else?

love

saving that for later i suppose.

time caspsule, thinking back to the era that was when I last posted, and what came after. going to reflect in one take.

just deleted a paragraph. got into the job i had with gage, was getting too side tracked. also have to poop.

to conclude, I've been thinking a lot about Heather lately. there was one night a while back where i was going through all of her socials, liking stuff on insta and maybe fb? but I craved the memory of her and us; "the old me" but more so the happy past. I check her stories regularly. i can't seem to see much, doesn't feel like I see much of her life anymore. maybe she just posts less. we started our relationship a whopping 9 years ago. the canada trip is 9 years ago come this may in 2024. almost 10 years from graduating high school which is wild to think too. but i miss her a lot. i wish we could talk again, but i'm probably 5 years too late at least. it took me an eternity to get to this point, and she likely moved on years ago. she would be the one to reach out, and numerous, multiple times, i pushed her away. we talked a few times, met up once, talked about sex one time, and that was hot. my last insta from her was a tag about i think a margarita recipe? i never responded. i wont blame her at all if never talks to me again. all that i am in this moment is my product of my choices in life.

heather, thank you eternally for some of the best times of my life. to this day, i haven't had an intimate relationship since. maybe something will come, maybe its you, maybe not. i am hopeful that my heart finds love again.

now to the bathroom. and getting as high as possible. maybe i'll write after that.

10/27/19

Been rereading this “blog”(?), as well as Heather’s, to fulfill what seems to be a desire to feel the past by looking back at it. I have watched the rain come down, mostly all day, as I spend another day comfortably in my mind. Thinking back to the last note, over 3 years ago. I’m actually impressed that I wrote 20 pieces over the course of like 7 months. Felt accomplished today for finally getting my vitamin supplements after being stubborn about not taking pills since Oct 2018. Deep down, I feel like I do nothing. I also feel that I am so boring, rather uninteresting. I have no confidence in wanting to learn something; I notice that I push things away and disregard them because I struggle to understand things. I can talk to people, but it seems that whatever they’re talking about starts going over my head, and my mind will wander back inside itself, where it is comfortable. Feeling a rant.

My interests are youtube, disc golf, snowboarding, cannabis, beer

I wish I was more fit, had more money, and have a better time with everything. I also wish I was better at talking, and more sociable. I wish I could make sense of things better, and not pick at my body when I think. 

I remember wishing how I never existed. And confused as to why I am here, a being built by the most amazing creature in the known universe. With billions of other possible outcomes of gene pool, and generations of life. 

My highlights of this month have to be starting yet another job, and talking to Heather last night for about a few hours. Felt so good. A part of me says inside that I miss her, but is it genuine? I answer to that with my financial situation not being very good, and I’m only part time. I want to be happy this winter and holiday season, and the thought of her makes me happy, and definitely nervous. I picture dating again, and being really close again. I worry her friends don’t trust me. I worry about trusting myself, and being good for her. I’m so out of touch with the world outside my house, yet I was feeling on top of the world earlier this year. 2 jobs, discounts on WF and NETA products, 2 quick relationships with heartbreaks, really good money, a new apartment, constant reefer and tobacco, and it all came crashing down. Now, I even have a hard time deciding on music when I get in my car. I’ve adopted a habit of driving slower, enjoying driving in my really fun car. I get excited to play disc golf with people I hung out with occasionally in high school, including Evan. But I get so tired of being with them, and running out of things to say, and I can tell they feel the same too. Is my mind small? I tend not to believe people when I’m told I’m smart. Besides Evan, they all graduated college and have girlfriends. I think I miss being in love, I think I miss being with her, but I really don’t know/

October 10, 2019Mental Health day.

A very simplified version of a very serious, very complex matter.

#pascalcampion

https://iglovequotes.net/

I just wanna write 6/19/16

Woah. The dates trippy. 

I just wanna write, with only hopes of firing off honest thoughts and real emotions. 

Today.

Today is Father’s day and I’m sitting here wondering why today felt so stressful. It started stressful and ended stressful. Woke up and smoked a bowl before everyone else was up, walked in and Dad was getting coffee, noticed me. Told him I stepped outside and went and put the bowl on my ottoman and went back down to cook the fam breakfast. I had an english muffin, Maddie had a breakfast sandwich, so did David, Sam had eggs, Mom had a smoothie I think, and Dad definitely had a smoothie. He didn’t have eggs because he thought it would’ve made us more late. The drive there was decent. I left my sandwich at home but didn’t want another sandwich. He spent $9 on one for me and I was very thankful ...

my ADD got the best of me fuck hashtags

Pros and Cons - 6/13/16

Writing can be the best therapy, let’s hope it can bring us back together.

-Cons of our Relationship-

When we fight, when we argue, when we go to sleep without saying “I love you”, when I snap at you, when I get sour, when I sulk, my anxiety attacks, when I feel your mom and sister don’t like me, when I feel I’ve let you down, when we smoke smoke smoke and eat eat eat to the point of sickness and nasty shits the following day, how we haven’t gotten healthier, how we’re both looking at potentially taking another gap year, how I’ve made you feel about sex, wrongfully and ignorantly expressing my unhappiness with our sex, the pressure of having sex, every time I’ve been jealous of your vibrator, every time I couldn’t finish in you because of my own actions, how much I sleep deprive myself, how much money we spend on each other, how quickly we can spend money, how I didn’t get you anything for our 1 year anniversary, when you wound up in the hospital, when you got pre diagnosed with diabetes, how I’ve attributed to you gaining weight, every time I went digging for info on your exes, every time I’ve mentioned their names, every time I’ve been jealous of your past relationships, every time I’ve been jealous of your past and made you feel bad about the decisions you’ve made, how we can strongly disagree on things, how I haven’t always taken your side - arguments from just us to issues with your friends, every time I’ve made you feel dumb, every time I’ve said something to you that was rude-sour-uncalled for-too personal-ignorant of your feelings-out of spite-without thinking, every time I’m too hard on you, every time I forget ______, when I forget things over and over, every time I drink a beer in bed when we’re just chilling, every time I ask to smoke when no ones home or if we’re about to go out, every time you just wanna lay in bed and I abruptly ask to smoke, all of the money I’ve spent on weed, all of the times you’ve carried me financially and go as far as to even buy me booze and weed, that time I asked you to bring me weed for Evan and still ask you to go home, all of the sleepless nights at your house before work, all of the times I’m too loaded on caffeine and maybe vyvanse to be able to fall asleep, all the times I’ve left your bed with crumbs everywhere, every time I hog the blanket and bed, every spill and mess I’ve made in your room, every time I’ve made you feel bad about being on your phone, all of the passive “micro emotions” that I put on to show my dissatisfaction, all of the time I’ve begged for attention for me when really we should be focusing on you, and how I’ve been a zombie boyfriend nearing psychosis and letting the love of my life slip away. 

+POSITIVES+

When we hug, when we hold hands, when we cuddle, when we nestle up to one another, every time we touch, when we kiss, when we hold each other, when we give each other back rubs and massages, when we make love, when we have sex, when we have fun with sex, being totally comfortable with each others’ bodies when we talk, when we watch movies and Netflix, when we do 2-3-4 day long sleepovers, when we be around each other’s families, when we play games with my siblings and your parents, when we cook together, when we eat out together, when we go out for ice cream or get some munchies for the movies, when we sleep in each other’s beds together, when we text each other the next day missing each other so badly - saying “I love you” every chance we get, how our parents and friends accept each of us into each other’s lives, how much I’ve grown, how much you’ve grown, all that I’ve learned and continue learning from you, anything I’ve taught you, drinking and smoking together, when you sleep in my clothes, all of my clothes in your room, the couple things we always leave at each other’s houses when you snuggle my shirt because you forgot blankie at home :(, when we go sock shopping, when we share cosmetics, the endless demand for tissues and tampons, showers together and separate, when we call each other cute-sexy-adorable-cuddly-sexy-the best, how we can give each other great advice on clothes, how we like going to the beach just the two of us, when we go to the beach with your family, when we saw those fireworks last year, our Canada trip, our hiking day with your friends, the family events you’ve invited me to, all of the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, my birthday, when we decorated eggs, when we did ceramics, when we house sit your Auntie Monica’s, how you helped renovate my room, how I helped you with your room, every time you’re upset and somehow get you to laugh, every time I accidentally tickle you, every time I’ve spoiled you -happily- to make you feel like the luckiest girl alive, when we play words with friends, all of the sappy posts made about each other, how we talk about the future, the full memory box sitting on my dresser - with my unfitted watch and your nurse scrubs on top, every card we’ve gotten each other expressing our love for each other, when we cuddle with Scamps or Liz, when we get all dressed up and marvel at each other’s looks, all of the flowers I got you, the diamond that will only ever rest on your neck - that sits in that full memory box, every single love letter we’ve written to each other, how we love how crazy we are, when I call you love-babe-baby-lovey-wifey-dear-dearest-darling-cutie-cutepie-thecutiestthebootiestandthefrutiest, the hundreds upon thousands of pictures we have of us that show the most genuine happy smiles as well as the places we’ve been and the precious moments we’ve had, our concert and camping that we have to look forward to, and as forgiving as I am I give you the credit of teaching me such forgiveness. 

I want you to be happy, and I still want you back as badly as ever, because you make me happy, and I want to make you happy no matter what comes of us. 

I love you Heather Michelle Dobbs 

Always and Forever 

ugh 6/8/16

I just scrolled through some older posts, and I’m bothered that I don’t date all of the posts, and if I luckily did date the post, I rarely keep a consistent format. 

Well that’s the least of my problems. 

Today, or tomorrow, or any day ahead of now, with today being likely, you and Heather are going to take  break from each other. My heart keeps reminding me how much you love her, and want her to grow, but when I hear of how unhappy she’s been, for a while, you have to take a step back and wonder if you’re causing more issues rather than good times. We disagree, very strongly on certain things, and especially things that I REALLY HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE ON THE MATTER BUT I’M SURE I KNOW THIS. And so some arguments, debates, get heated and personal and they’re taking a toll on her happiness. Not only arguing and fighting, she feels like she’s picking up all of our expenses for food and such, while I save for school, and while she’s saving little to none for Vegas and school. She’s very right, just yesterday she brought me to the beach, bought snacks and drinks, and even some Foote’s after a beach day at Salisbury. She’s said many times in the past she needs to focus on herself, and I get that. Her mom most definitely agrees. Jackie, and Bri and them, will all love seeing a lot more again. Especially Jackie, since she’s just home for the summer, and she’s already had a night alone with no friends because Heather was sleeping over. I guess Heather also feels unappreciated, something I have felt too before. 

We had a rough night of arguing and fighting, the night of Salisbury, again, over what to do when I’m horny and she is not. She gets so upset when I can’t cuddle her and hold her, or even just lay there without being horny for her. She gets so upset when I ask for maintenance sex, frankly a blowjob or handjob sounds like an easy way to keep me cool but that’s so gross and selfish to ask for, and therefore I will never. But she also gets upset at the idea of me masturbating next to her, which to me sounded like the “best” option. I ruined that night to the point of her wanting to take a break. 

I never thought I would be without her in my life. I’ve pictured life without her, and I always stop thinking of that life because I know of the life we can have together. Or would have had, I’m still unsure of where we stand. Going to be talking more to her when she gets out of work. If we break up, sure, a lot of problems would in fact be erased. No more us eating junk food after smoking and repeating that over and over, she won’t feel unappreciated by me anymore, she won’t feel like she has to work extra hard to keep me sexually satisfied, no more nights of her friends being pissed that we’re staying in, no more of her mom and sister giving her shit about me, she can stop spending money and days off with me, maybe start saving for Vegas and school. She can have plenty of breathing room to deal with just her own problems and tackle them head on. If we agree to take a break, I just really hope she can find her happiness. I want nothing but the best for her as for she is the best girl on the Earth, no matter how crazy I call her, or how bad of a girlfriend I make her feel. She wants everyone to be happy and fuck I’m really going to miss her. I love her. I always truly will. She was my first true love, that fling with Kaylie was a joke at best, compared to what Heather and I had, that other girl never existed. As much as I told my parents I’m good, and going to make the best of being single, I’m already hurting so bad on the inside. I let the worst of me, ruin the love of the best girl ever, the one I wanted to spend my life with, but that’s on me, and it isn’t fair for her to struggle being with me as I grow, and vice versa. I’ve always figured I’d be killing myself when this day came, but I’ve come to learn that’s the easy way out. Life only gets easier when I make better choices; and not have to continuously fuck up to learn a lesson. It’s time to pick up the pieces that make me whole, as well as clean up the mess my life is, whether I’m with her or not. 

I will always love you Heather, and I wish for you to find your happiness in life, with or without me, seeing you happy will make me smile. 

What If...

Hey.

What If... you stop smoking weed after 4/20* 

*quit as in reregister as a patient but don’t buy that next ounce till you really have some cash

What if... you start eating right tomorrow 

What if... once you start feeling good after you start eating right...

...you start working out, better yet, get good at disc golf while you’re at it and fuck it if there’s weed and beer have a couple and have a good time just be smart and don’t push it

What if... you keep seeing Heather?

I love her like crazy so we’ll be happier, healthier, and hey maybe more in agreement with our crazy parents lol. We can certainly pick up a little slack in return for love. We need it. We love our parents and we love ourselves, and it sounds like we all benefit happiness in the end. 

What if... 2 or 3 months go by? Well it’ll be Heather’s birthday in less than 2 months and summer is right around the corner after a drunkenly fun 21st birthday weekend! Maybe we’ve lost some wight and got some color by now and we are looking good ;)

Well ...

Now we have a BOMB summer ahead of us, we’ll be saving that money, and we can enjoy ourselves by seeing Macklemore, and Florida Georgia Line, and a week somewhere like OBX but who knows the possibilities! 

Baby, this turned into a pretty good letter, but I must admit, I wrote this on Tumblr and yes this is Google Docs, I simply wanted to print this out so that by mentioning the origins of this letter, we can both, one day, sit down and look at each others’ Tumblr genitals...if that’s not creepy. 

I wrote this one take and got a little teary at how well I can rant. 

I love you Heather <3 

Anything can happen in a day - 4/4/16 = 4x4=16? Lol

Stupid joke I saw on Facebook earlier.

Damn. The females in my life are circling around me. Heather has had it tough for quite a while now. We’ve fought about sex a few times in the last few weeks, ranging from personal, private problems down there..., to our sex drives not being aligned, and how to solve the issue of sexual frustration. Aside from that, her relationship with her mother is very hurt as I type this. They had some serious misunderstandings of each other and they are not on good terms. 

I think I told my mom something that hurt her. 

We were talking about how Heather and I would like to eventually get an apartment, and that maybe that would be sooner than later. She teared up a little. And I felt bad, I felt that I was saying hurtful things, but she said she wasn’t feeling good. She clearly was fighting back tears and she wanted to drop it and for me to stop. I don’t think she wants to hear me say I’m ready to move out and be on my own. I think I hurt her when I said I feel like I come home to a day care, shit I don’t think we left on a good note. I even bickered with Sam today, because I wanted to tell her what “over steer” was but she wasn’t having it... Oh and I said something to Heather’s mom, does that mean I caused what she said to Heather today? Your name was brought up a few times. I don’t know. That’s four females right there, that I did not get along with well :/

Gonna need some extra medicine tonight

The Past Will Always Hurt Me Too - 3/21/16

Been slacking on writing lately, time to dust some stress off of my mind.

Weeks have been flying by, feels like it was just my birthday weekend a week ago.

Hopefully being on the couple hours left of the vyvanse keeping my mind sharp will make me write better. 

Looking back at my last post, I actually covered a lot...

To start, Heather and I talked about us here and there. It will always be refreshing to hear her say she loves me, and to tell her I love her back. We talked about what her mother and her talked about to each other. With how we’ve seen each other a little too much, pushing important life things to the side for us to have a night in bed, and other “bad habits”. We were in agreement. We shouldn’t get so much take out, we shouldn’t be eating to the point of nausea, we shouldn’t rely on the other’s day (or two) off to guarantee a night of us, if she wants to hang with her friends by herself, that’s okay, if one of us wants a night alone in their bed, it should be okay. I must be biased when I say we should always feel free to question a “rule” because I don’t follow rules well, but what if questioning a rule creates a better outcome for everybody? That’s why I always will question a rule if my mind must, only because I want the best outcome possible for me and everyone else. 

The week of my last post was productive as fuck. Did so much laundry, went to Middlesex to seek advising, had Evan and Stephen over Friday, and got to see Heather Saturday night as always. Friday was a little boring, it’s hard being entertained at my house when I’m not feeling getting drunk, and they wanna vape vape vape. There isn’t much to do locked in my room without even a bathroom or a game we can all play. I really want to get GTA 5 again. 

I think Saturday night I told her I have her Tumblr. I think that was the night I told her I want to have deep talks, but my memory is blurry. I honestly can’t remember exactly when I told her, but at some point I know I did. It sucked to tell her, and crack her heart one crack too many. After we came to the point of her forgiving me, at least I hope she did, she even came to admit she had tried to find mine. It’s fucked yet funny how similar we are, cause I had tried so hard to find her a couple times but gave up because that hurt her. My burning desire to know everything about her and Shane I feel will never die, unless of course I finally know everything to it but I’m too crazy to remember all of it. 

She had to do her taxes Sunday, but you were feeling weird and stayed at her house until she got back. You must’ve been having anxiety. She came home and comforted you so lovely, and also brought up that Game of Thrones Monopoly would be going down at Bri’s, so you went and teamed with Heather. What a fun Sunday, ended on such a god note and felt so progressive. 

Heather is so fucking bomb that she missed the Bachelor finale to come see you Monday night. Ain’t she dope?! I love her so much cause she proves herself to be the best. We ended up spending Monday night, Wednesday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and finally Sunday night together. You were crazy (and still waking up...) when you asked to do something tonight too. You miss her so bad, but reminding yourself that missing someone means you love them so much, and with her, it only means I try harder in order to see her again.

You owe her big for not going to Boston Friday night. She wanted to go to Fire and Ice and get weed after but you didn’t want to, because traffic and traveling would’ve been a disaster, we wouldn’t have gotten back until super late, it sounded like too expensive of a night, and she had finally gotten to your house at 4. She had to work at 9am the next morning. All in all you let her down by thinking of all that, the day off the “plans”. 

Your notable inspiration or today’s writing was seeing Heather’s tweet “I think the past will always hurt”. Seeing that made me think a bunch, of course, because I wonder why my lovely girl is thinking of the past, and how it hurts. I can only hope she’ll want to talk about it, because she said something like “stop stalking me lmao” and proceeded to change the subject. You know if you ask, or start to ask questions, you’ll likely end up prying information out of her, start a “deep talk”, and regret that because she’ll likely not want to talk about it. Ultimately, you thought about your past, and how it keeps a small part of you screaming for help.

My past with bullying, and hitting others, and being a dick all the time so young. Notably in 5th grade, hitting, pinching, punching, kicking, etc, all of your friends and sometimes maybe a classmate. Teasing Bj, you were such a fucking jerk. He just wanted a friend but you deemed him uncool.

Sending that txt to Nick, with horrible things said about him and his mom.

Bus rides from like kindergarten to probably 5th grade. Hitting, punching, screaming, making kids cry sometimes, you always took it too far. You had serious problems. 

In middle school, pushing and shoving Joe and Nick, hitting their books out of their hands, writing on the desk in sharpie, saying “BJ was here!!!” and lying to your teachers about it, only to be disciplined because they could see through your bullshit. Getting suspended for conspiracy to upload a video of a teacher online. Almost losing your best friend(s) Stephen and them to hang with Mark Peterson, Josh, Joe, Caroline, Lindsay, Ankur, Dino, and especially Breanne, who you came to crush on hardcore after D.C. Even in the beginning of high school, you help on to being quite annoying. Shitty attitude, you were starting to smoke some weekends with the new friends. You went to your first party with them. They eventually started to fade, and you stopped hanging with them everyday because you became outcast. School in general.

You started thinking of your High School days as a timeline.

Her and I’s Past, from the beginning, her struggling personally with meeting me and closing Shane out, making her feel bad about our first 4/20, my first big anxiety break down before Canada, going full time, when she almost dumped me, when she called me on the trampoline, when I ruined the 4th of July, all I did to make her not want to invite me to The Weeknd, even the night of the show, us not smoking together, getting sick, the night I went back to visit Lyndon, keeping her from her friends on New Years, me not getting anything for our one year anniversary, the times I’ve asked to masturbate if she doesn’t want to have sex, every time I made her feel like the worst girlfriend ever, every time I had to smoke a fucking cigarette in front of her, keeping her from going to Parker’s, keeping her from seeing her friends, being jealous or crazy/stalkerish about the guys from her past, every time I make her cry from the words I speak, every time I feel bad about myself, and every time I wish I didn’t exist and would think I was better off dead. 

My biggest fear is that you keep loving me because you think I’d be unstable or dead on my own. My worst nightmare is that you leave me.

I feel that what I do for you, results in genuine happiness for both of us. And if you ever have to leave, then you have to and that’s that, living without you is possible... but god damn girl I will be fighting to be with you every second I have.

Heather Dobbs, I truly love you. A year with you has been crazy fun, and felt like forever. You became my best friend. I can only hope that all the good things I do for you, say to you, and make you feel, keep you loving me the way I’ve loved you and will keep loving you. We’re only kids now, and we’ve lived a sliver of life together. I want to with you, because I love you and you make me happy and I am happy to say I’m happy with spending the rest of my life with you <3

So many fucking thoughts where to start. Monday, March 7th

~

Heather

Today she talked with her mom about why her she’s been mad at Heather and such. Her mom has been upset with her because her mom feels that all she sees Heather do is eat, work, and sleep, on top of seeing me a lot. Certainly some truth to that. Her mom was mean to her because from her perspective, Heather is just like her, making the same mistakes she did at Heather’s age and it’s hard to see her daughter go through it. Heather, and admittedly myself, have certainly both been a little down, most likely from our bad habits. 

A typical week night of us two together involves being in bed, watching tv, cuddling, talking, checking our phones, smoking, and more cuddling. We often stay up late, and especially for me because I have work at 6am, and just last night we went to bed at 11:30, similar to many other week nights we’ve had. To me, it’s so worth the one or two nights of little sleep to see her and enjoy her. But what that does to my body and mind after doing it too much is horrifying. I’m constantly self-conscious of my dark, tired eyes, which isn’t something new because my high eyes are bad too. More times than I know or see of, Bri or even Jackie sometimes texts Heather to come hang but instead we stay in and cuddle in bed. I haven’t seen any other friends besides Sergio, Stephen (1/29/16), and Evan, Zack and Robby once.  We had to cancel ice skating one weekend because of my anxiety, we’ve yet to go to Parker’s for breakfast together with her friends because of tiredness or being sick or staying up late. I wish more examples came to mind because there are plenty more. Lately the two of us have bought so much junk food and take out and eat until we’re nauseous some nights. We’ve become used to smoking a few times a night, with me often needing a bowl to myself to get ripped off of. We’ve gone out to dinner a few times but they never feel like our good old fashioned date nights, wth the last one I feel we had being Dicks’ Last Resort in Faneuil Hall that day we spent in Boston (2/1/16). 

Both of us eating better and exercising a little will make each of us happier in general from serotonin. Taking walks and going out more will be good for us too, it’s starting to get nice out. All in all you two need to talk about some bad habits that have formed with the new year, keeping the love and romance alive of course. 

~

Now about me.

I remember telling myself, during Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years (2015 into 2016) that I’ll start eating better and exercising January 1st. Well it’s now March 7th and you have some bad habits of your own. You reserve your spot on just about every day off Heather has, you check when she’s on facebook, you check your phone for her pretty often, you drag yourself to her house on days that you know you’re too tired to see her, or when you have stuff you should get done at home, you eat bad, both with her and alone, you’re smoking and now vaping every day, a few times a day, your lack of sleep kills your sleep cycle, you sleep deprive yourself to the point of insanity, and you aren’t saving ANY money. You were going days without smoking when all the college kids were home on break. You were actually losing weight, not fluctuating because you gorge and starve. You also haven’t been too happy with yourself lately. You get so down when you know you’re fucking up because you’re not respecting yourself, or treating yourself well at all. The physical health you seek in yourself comes from a little mental health. Laying around all day because you slept for 5 hours the night before hurts your body. You end up eating bad, and staying up later. You miss your family too. You were supposed to be home for one year yet you’ve done one thing with them this year (Boda Borg) and even missed Sam’s piano recital. You better see it in the summer whenever it is. You’ve been procrastinating signing up for school and you’re not even student.

Stop losing track of your life.

Stop pissing away hard earned money.

Don’t waste these precious days of being in a gap year at home. 

Take care of yourself.

Eat healthy, exercise a few times a week.

See Heather, and see your friends.

Bring Heather out with your friends.

Go hard during the week, rest during the weekend.

cry

Today I feel like I can’t make anybody happy. Last night was tough, work was stressful, and you are now nearing the point of insanity as you had an anxiety attack after only briefly talking to Heather after work. But start with how well the weekend went. 

Friday afternoon you went up to Plymouth to see Stephen. Heather had been having a tough week and you had to leave her be Friday night, respectful of alone time. Seeing him and hanging out with him was great. He introduced me to a new group of friends that he was hanging out with. They were all nice, but actually just hanging with them was meh. They just played “divinity” (game I had never heard of until then) and Stephen was so into watching them, you were kind of left alone to smoke endless bongs with that kid “Jesus” and his girlfriend, who were both funny and cool. 

You and Stephen were tired, and he ended up falling asleep around 8:30, after leaving the friends house at 8:10. You waited for Heather to get out of work at 9 and she texted you for a bit, until she almost hit a deer and had to put her phone down. You fell asleep during the hour she had been crying to her mom. All night she texted you, and finally called you at 2am, which woke you up. She was very upset but fell asleep seeing as she had to work in seven hours at 9am. Fast forward to Heather coming to your house for a dinner cooked all by yourself, with movie plans right after to see “Fifty Shades of Black”. It was so funny and both of you had a really fun night after missing each other during a tough week. 

Sunday was spent in Boston. Lunch at Dick’s Last Resort in Fanueil Hall, a horse carriage ride through the streets, and Mike’s for dessert in North End. You even go to get weed, including a half ounce of some high CBD “ACDC” which you and especially Heather love. She stayed again, and left Monday morning.

Bachelor night was coming up and you were going over after the doctor appointment. It was kind of a stupid idea to get that espresso shot so late. But it did help you stay awake. Fun night. 

Tuesday night was also lovely. You an Heather went to Bri’s and chilled, had fun. Drank a beer. But you were tired. More tired than you knew, more tired then you knew until this second, as you are writing this entry. Another sleep deprived week. Sunday night: 5-6 hours of sleep. Monday night: 4-5tops hours of sleep. Tuesday night: Less than 4 hours and some heavy crying. Damn. You NEED more sleep dude. 

So Tuesday night, all was well until you got horny right before bed. Her back hurt a ton after your crazy wild sex. But you wanted it so bad. Ignoring her and feeling her up made you crave it so bad you that you needed it. She got offended that the sex earlier wasn’t enough and that she’s also offended that you insist on getting off to alleviate yourself. She wanted you to just chill and fall asleep. You got worked up because it offended her that you got horny and wanted to get off, and so you emotional because this will certainly happen again, so what is a good solution? Keep all of your sex drive in? While hard as fuck and trying to sleep because you have at most 5 hours of sleep ahead of you? Finally you got to the point of passing out, with about 4 hours of sleep to spare before work. 

And so today was rough. Your boss called out, it was busy, your coworkers were pissy, for Karl it was his last day and then you would be taking over tomorrow, with no known replacement yet. Heather was upset that your read receipts on your phone were off, because you turned them off when the Lyndon kids were asking why you never showed up Saturday. 

All in all as you wrote this you realize you have been overclocking yourself, and in the past sleep deprivation has given you a lot of paranoia and anxiety, and you think you see where Heather was coming from with everything and so you’re apologizing. Well, good job. Keep her happy bub.

I think I’ve been going crazy lately.  My mind has been relying on ups and downs and maybe it’s all starting to wear on me. Sleep deprivation has been the most likely reason for all the anxiety. Came home today trying to put all of emotions I had from leaving Heather’s into a box, and burning that box on the way home. Some things can’t catch fire easily I guess. Still think about how I know things about her that she doesn’t know. 

Seeing her struggle hurts so bad. Knowing I can’t help is even harder. All she wanted to do last night was rest but you were a handful. Today she slept all day and you just wanted to be with her, but her sleeping body was at peace and you didn’t want to disturb her. You really wish the two of you could have seized the day; both of you had the day off and you did nothing but sleep and barely even speak to one another. So you left. She wanted to be alone in bed tonight and you granted that wish, which you knew deep down hurt your feelings a lot but you believed that you were fine. 

You desperately want to get healthy, because you haven’t been healthy at all since the New Year. Eat better like you used to. Try working out for a little bit every day. You are constantly trying to find something to do, why not just do thirty minutes of working out. Laziness is all it is. 

Emotional and lazy so this ends today. I want to smoke.

sigh

Time continues to fly faster and faster it feels. Can barely remember some of the older entries, couldn’t even recall the last entry from nine days ago. You need to breathe a little, and with your mind producing thoughts non stop, some vent always helps. 

Last week was long and tiring and sleep deprived. Averaged about four hours of sleep a night, saw of lot of good people, and kept busy. Seeing Heather so much was lovely. Adjusting from holiday season to working in the winter blues really sucks. You got to see Heather the day before Christmas Eve, Christmas day, New Years Eve (Eve), New Years Eve, New Years Day, and probably that Sunday night too (you can’t even remember). Pretty basic week, with of course a not-so-basic girl. But then came Friday. 

You were supposed to go ice skating Friday with her and her friends. All day at work you were an anxious mess, and you really hurt Heather by saying you were going to hang with Stephen after skating, and told her at 6am in the morning when she woke up being all lovey and cute. You killed that. After talking to her, it seems she understood (cause she’s the fucking best) and you told her of your raging anxiety. Work was clawing at you, your mind was so sensitive to everything. Sleep deprivation plus a whole lot of Vyvanse is the easy blame. You get home and can’t seem to think of things that don’t make your eyes tear up. Tried so hard to nap, but only laid in bed crying, and crying, and texting her because you needed her so badly. You making her stay in and not see her friends made them all mad at her. She made your night at the cost of pissing her friends off and making think that you really don’t like them. Selfishly speaking, it was still a great night. She had the funeral first thing next day.

When you were all alone in her room, with nothing good on TV, you decide to watch Netfilx on her laptop. Well you also got to see her Tumblr. Your eyes caught the URL and you had to click it to see if it was really it. And it was. You recognized the “sad and stoned” picture, the “sandy ass” picture, and so on. You were stunned, and slowly proceeded to close the page. Can you believe you did the unspeakable? She likes to think her Tumblr is her diary and you basically read it. You can’t help but feel guilty. But you also think “what was there to hide I love her so much more now if anything”. Do you tell her you peeked? Or never mention it again and go on with life. 

You love her so much. Better yet, Heather, if you ever see this, I love you so much. My love, my best friend, my princess, my savior, I love you with all of my heart and all I ever want is to love all of you. 

Calling it a night there. Feel a little drowsy, took melatonin not too long ago. Catching Z’s sounds like a second job.