A conversation with my siblings yesterday:

Younger sister: Why are we so unlucky? Why do bad things happen to us?

Me: Our ancestor was a Salem witch.

Older brother: I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??

As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue

the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD

He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.

like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...

The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"

and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it

does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING

like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow

For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat

Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation

Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with

Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)

But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time

Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell

Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch

idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room

On the topic of Sebastian being completely enthralled about everything Ciel is, I personally love it so much more knowing manga context, because O!Ciel was the 'spare'. He was not supposed to carry the family nane and, frankly, people didn't think he'd be capable of it due to his poor health anyway (Remember Frances and Vincent's conversation in the flashback chapters? It's obvious O!Ciel was quite saddened by what he heard).

By all means, in a twisted way, Sebastian might just be the first person to regard O!Ciel as someone deeply capable, a shiny singularity that doesn't live in anyone's shadow. The adults around him were - tho not unrightfully - seeing his fragility first and foremost while his brother, despite seeing him as worthy, didn't wish for him to leave and forge his own path. R!Ciel's reaction came from childishness sure, but that isn't to say that it didn't feed into the idea that O!Ciel was 'his backup'.

Going off from this, Sebastian is also the one thing in his life and is irrevocably his. Again, twisted, but all O!Ciel built has been under another's name. The manor, the company, the engagement etc. None of them truly his, but his brother's. And the other servants? They are loyal, however ultimately their own people. Sebastian? In an entirely different spot. He'll be there until the end after all.

This is an aspect of their relationship that tugs at my heartstrings so much. It's so toxic and depressing yet strangely soft and tender somewhat at least to me.

Sorry, I just really wanted to pour my thoughts and I appreciate your posts. So here I am!

anon, i’m in love with you

i literally think about this all the time like. that conversation frances and vincent had? imo vincent just flippantly saying "i guess ill just have to give the estate back to the queen lmao" could be taken 2 ways which is: at face value OR (what i think is more likely) vincent just saying what he knows will piss frances off to get her to stop talking. tbh vincent seems like a good dad imo and like he doesnt super underestimate o!ciel (he seemed absolutely fine with the idea of o!ciel going off to london by himself and opening a toy store in the future), but he DOES know that o!ciel is frail and sickly, and it makes me wonder how seriously he considered the idea that o!ciel might inherent the title of the queen's watchdog.

honestly, i feel in some respects, r!ciel treats o!ciel more carefully than their parents. he very much has an attitude of "my baby brother NEEDS me, he cannot survive without me!!" (gasps and shock, to learn it is actually the other way around /s)

all this to say, whether you lean more towards my interpretation or yours, or a fun mix, or whatever, it is undeniable that all of o!ciel's relationships were 'tainted' (for lack of a better term) by his illness and the way it made others view him and treat him.

AND THEN COMES SEBASTIAN

sebastian, who takes one look at o!ciel, and goes "lmao what a fucked up lil dude. time for little a snacky". sebastian, who then sits down to forge a contract with said little dude only to realize Oh Okay So This Child Is Clever. And o!ciel being sickly does kind of come up when they're making the contract, but sebastian focuses more on the actual logistics of that and o!ciel says 'nvm we'll deal w it when it comes up' (which is hilarious imo. he really said a sudden chill can put me on my deathbed but thats a problem for future me).

and then it turns out o!ciel is hella sheltered. but also a huge bitch.

and at this point, all i can assume is sebastian is so bewildered by this experience that the fact that o!ciel is frail and sickly and fragile is like. just another thing about this kid. o!ciel has never made sebastian's life easy and it would be stupid to think he would start now, sebastian thinks as his young master suffers from yet another cold just bc it rained yesterday. "i never knew you had asthma" says sebastian, who has read every medical journal to date on chest colds. "you never asked," says the bane of sebastian's existence.

and the thing is you can say "sebastian is only worried about o!ciel bc if o!ciel dies, he loses his meal" which is true and accurate and tbh if i was sebastian and i had put up w that much, i wouldn't want to lose my meal to a mere cough.

BUT ALSO

then you see the way sebastian is so fascinated and intrigued and bewitched by o!ciel. i think to sebastian the fact that o!ciel is frail and sickly is just another contradiction in the sea of contradictions that makes o!ciel so fascinating. and i think sebastian is the only one who really sees all those contradictions, he's the only one who sees everything that makes up o!ciel. and he loves what he finds.

(not to mention the fact that sebastian is the only person o!ciel allows to see his every aspect. or, well, some he tries to hide, but only because he thinks sebastian will try to use something against him. either way, sebastian is still the only person who he lets see the most of him. because sebastian is the only person who knows who he really is, who he doesnt have to put up a front for. he doesn't have to pretend to be his brother, he doesn't have to worry about being the spare.)

What makes me tenfold depressed of the current episode is another loss of potential. I haven’t watched it-  even afraid at this point - but by reading other critics' comments, it seems like another episode wiping the bird dad’s ass.

If the writers actually explored Loona’s and Octavia’s conversation instead of using it to polish up Stolas’s (very much immature) parenting, they could actually expand on lots of things. Not many, certainly not the entire pacing and sloppy flaws, but at least, something.

Like. Look.

Octavia is a royal born and Loona grew up in abusive pseudo-dog care. Octavia has a father who is willing to spend and pamper her but does not truly try to listen to her, while Loona’s dad is very much willing but lives an incredibly poor status. Loona lived most of her childhood in an environment that deprived her of basic needs while Octavia ate on silver plate. Loona is literally a glorified pet and Octavia is an heir to a throne.

The potential, dude. The potential.

Imagine. This could have humanized both Loona's and Octavia’s situations. Share both their thoughts and feeling about the situation. Now, I’m going to go down some speculative routes and write up what else they could have shown with the scene.

Say, what if Octavia didn’t know that Loona was the daughter of Blitzo, and vented all the misery and pressure she is feeling cause her dad changed overnight “just for some imp”? Have Loona react to this with guilt, a bit of horror, and pity while as well some equal part of envy, bitterness and defensive protection. Where while she tries to console Octavia, now instead of praising the owl pervert, she indirectly defends her dad. Have her show that to some extent, she cares about Blitzo.

And with this, I think it would also be a nice reminder of the social difference between races. Perhaps, say, those two get into an argument cause Loona defended the guy who very much ruined Octavia’s household and her family. While she is much justified in her anger, Loona snaps back with something that stuns her.

“Who to say your own goddamn father didn’t force himself on the imp?”

Cause so far, none of the IMP crew talks about Stolas’s harassment. Despite him literally doing it publicly, more than once, Blitzo’s discomfort with it is louder than that is. Let that be to some extent why she kinda hates working: Not the fact that she has to work, but working on something that actively prospers from something Blitzo hates doing.

This could even be a sudden bomb for Octavia, who likely didn’t think (more or less, realize) that her dad, a royal, having affair with a less socially powerful figure could imply in context.

Heck, this could go in the total opposite direction where Loona actively tries to manipulate her.

Where that while yes, the IMP business fosters Blitzo’s suffering, it’s also something he wanted to do. Dreamed of. And main of all: She’s scared that once Blitzo can’t afford to keep her, she’ll be kicked to the streets. Have a little montage where right before she opens her mouth to call out how shit Stolas is, she slowly shuts it, then moves to look down the street. Have her look at, say, a stray dog, who’s following and desperately yelping at the feet of someone, till they are kicked away. Of bankrupt businesses begin shut down, of life on the street, of life as a discriminated group. I am far from a clever environment storyteller, and this is much trickier to do on paper than simply write it, but to point, some metaphor that shows her anxiety about her and Blitzo's future living conditions.

And when Octavia asks her what’s wrong, have her take a deep breath before saying the lines she said in the episode.

“...Your dad is trying his best.”

But make her actively look sick saying it, that she’s lying, that she very much thinks the opposite. But she lies: Cause what else can she do? If Octavia is given guidance in her confusion about her feeling towards her dad, she may actually direct her word right at him, whereas Stolas might actually pull back and cut his ties with Blitzo. Cut Blitzo and Loona off the only business they have.

That she’d lie to a teenage girl stuck in an abusive household for it.

Signify just how desperate they really are.

A few days ago, I was reading someone's stories about DID. They described having alters, or voices in their head (I can't quite remember their exact wording, or even if they said voices; all I remember is I resonated with it and began to wonder if I had OSDD/DID).

I felt like a huge faker immediately. My only real exposure with it had been with the Fake Disorder Cringe comps on YouTube (such shit, god). I realized that every time I'd broken down in suicidal hysteria, attempts, the 9-1-1 phone call, etc., it was an alter. I named her Em, or Emily; it just felt right.

For context, I am in a constant dissociated state from still being stuck in an abusive environment. My memory is not divided in terms of small events and things such as clubs, schools, friendships, etc--rather, it's divided in terms of trauma and pain. January was specific. My week at the hospital was specific. February and March are specific. End of March, April, May, June, are specific.

I can recall the feelings of depression and suicidality in the months before Mid June to Now, but Mid June to Now was marked by anorexia and recovery, etc. There are no other memories than anorexia/things related to it, and my abusive friendship which triggered the eating disorder. There was also a suicide attempt (three, but I don't count two. Why don't I count two? Because they are hanging attempts, and I have tried to hang myself so many times that they do not count in my brain. Asshole shit, I know)

But you see, I cannot remember other things unless I dig deep in my brain or look at photos from that time.

Another thing is, I have only been able to piece together a timeline of my trauma and memories from the very huge fixations (which kept me alive; magical thinking) I was obsessed with at the time, and also random ass conversations I remembered. There are only two to five of these conversations--and in (nearly) all of them I am watching myself from afar, like in a movie. Other times, a traumatic memory will pop up and I'll force an age out. Ten, eleven, twelve; the memories from when I was a preteen are so fucking mixed up and weird. I only remember the trauma, not what happened elsewhere.

I do have some other memories of events which I thought about a lot, but if I hadn't constantly thought about those at the time they would've disposed of themselves. Things do that now, I have no capacity to ruminate as I used to so they slip away silently into the void.

Honestly, nothing feels real; I am always watching myself from afar, and things are wishy-washy, blurry, and other people are floaty. Even the feeling of lust, which is very prominent for those my age, seems horribly muted and dissolved into a weak "meh" most of the time. People around me talk about this and that, etc etc, but the only time it was ever really prominent was when I was younger and punished myself with extreme feelings of guilt over it, or when I decided to starve myself of it and then use it to cope during Late March to June. I do think that it is more muted from psychological religious abuse about how I was a horrible dirty person because of it definitely muted it to ten percent of those like my peers, but there's not much I can do about it other than shrug.

My memory is basically that of a traumatized Wattpad OC. I am the equivalent of a twelve year old's angsty emotions coming out through a character (I was that twelve year old once, believe me the hell I put my characters through was...yikes) and goddamn it is nothing like the movies. It's always been painful, sharp, like reopening a painful scar; nothing like the tragically pretty depressed skinny girlypop with white skin and haunting blue eyes, so I never thought I could be depressed until I was like yeah shit I actively want to kill myself ://

I wish I could describe it better, but the one word that sticks in my mind is floaty, senseless, blurry, wishy-washy, soapy, etc. I don't have the vocabulary and trauma knowledge now to fully realize my own state, nor do I have the capability to realize how painful the memories are. To do that, I would need a permanently safe space to process them; and you can't really do that while hiding your every move and thought from your mother who merely views you as an identical doll who is an extension of her.

There are a few years until I'll be able to escape, and I'm also coping with the fact that the city I built up in my head (Seattle) has been exposed as it truly is with the case of a police offer murdering an immigrant woman from my country.

I still don't know what to do with these feelings; I want to scream and rip out my guts but I am too dissociated now to truly feel it. This is where Em comes in, she holds all of the pain and memories and raw knowledge of what I'm going through so I can function throughout the day.

I used to think of her as a voice in my head, the suicidal one. The one who would spam me with relentless thoughts of "I don't want to live anymore I want to die get me out of here I hate them I hate this I can't do this anymore life sucks please kill me please please please," and her feelings are so horribly overwhelming the only solution is to shove her shards back into my chest and dissociate again.

I think Em is the only one aware of the true horrors of my life. Usually, when I tell people things, they gasp and recoil in shock; avoiding me afterwards actually.

She is 5-7 years old--a child. She is eternally stuck in 2014-2015, and will absolutely fucking flip if you try to bring her into another year. I think this is because this is the age when the horrifying suicidal thoughts and internalized racism, facial dysmorphia started.

Last night I was trying to process one of my very first traumatic incidents (I was found watching videos of people vomiting at four years old. I was beaten mercilessly while screaming, crying, and begging to stop. These videos were allowed by my mother (the one who beat me) and she even joked about letting me watch them. I am not sure why she flipped out here; I think it's because she clicked on a video herself and disliked it immensely) and I decided to bring Em out. This incident happened in 2012-2013, and she screamed.

It felt as if someone was stabbing dull knives into my chest and stomach, and I could hear her sobs coming from inside me. She begged me so much, please don't make me go back, that's too far, I want 2014 not 2012, this hurts please; so I stopped focusing on the memory and instead tried to fall asleep (it was nighttime).

I'm not a very verbal person; I get teased because of my american accent, so I try not to speak as much as I can. But while Em was there, she made a noise; not even a word, just a noise of torture, and I could tell it was torturous and cruel to make her suffer like that. There is a reason why traumatic memories are distant and tethered off in my head, and forcing her to relive the shit that is a core part of her identity was obviously very stressful.

Whenever something reminds me of the trauma (yesterday it was a video talking about a father regretting not giving his car to his son, prompting me to remember my dreams about getting my license and my dad teaching me to drive--then, when he saw me for the person I truly was, telling me that he'd never even let me borrow his car to learn driving on and I'd never get my license unless it was on my own terms) she comes out--even right now I felt her stabbing through my chest, apparently just describing the trauma (which was a conversation from some of the most traumatic and emotionally terrorizing few weeks) prompts her to come out. I often forcefully shove her down, returning back to my state of dissociation, because (due to my environment) it isn't safe to have someone as vulnerable as Em out and there. She absorbs trauma like a sponge; any minor thing said to her will cause painful suicidal ideation. She told me, "you don't know what it's like holding all of these things in, [my name]. i have to keep everything in a nice little bag for you, [while you do nothing]." The last part in brackets wasn't said outloud to me, but certainly understood. She knows everything I do, even the fact that I'm writing this right now and use her as a dump for any and all unpleasant feelings, and obviously doesn't like it (who would?).

Unrelated to her, I've always thought I had different voices in my head, and thought I was a "quirky weirdo" for that. I've only now realized that most people don't have two to three separate chains of reason in their head which argue with each other, take hold of my brain, then leave once their job is done.

I suspect I have another alter, I always called them Caroline because during periods of extreme stress and fear they'd tell me exactly what I needed to do to avoid punishment and abuse. They'd help me check for bloody tissues (sh) and tell me how to hide them; advise me on when to wash my hands after cleaning up; invent lies for me; and even help internally defend me against people who hurt me. They'd leave as quickly as they came, but it was always like a special, energy-filled person was there who knew exactly what to do. Even now, they will talk to me.

And they don't even really come out in periods of deep distress either--a lot of times, they will just randomly come in and..."take over me," I guess, because I will act incredibly different and usually when I am back to my "normal" self I will realize that I was incredibly different right then.

I've been struggling so much with denial and feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred, guilt, etc etc etc feeling of being invalid and faking it.

What do you think this could be? I was thinking of maybe OSDD-1 (B) but I just really need to hear a third party's thoughts. I posted this on my main blog too, but yeah.

i want to tell you that i took several days to think of how to reply to this, i still am not sure what the best response will be i cannot tell you if you have OSDD or not. i am not qualified to diagnose you. if you are looking for someone to tell you "yes, this sounds like OSDD and you are a system", then im not that person. what i will say is that what you are describing sounds incredibly difficult to navigate and i am sorry you are experiencing this i will also say, as someone who deals with a lot of denial, faking is a conscious decision. if you did not consciously choose to fake a disorder, you are not faking it. it is possible to be wrong and mistaken, but thats very different from intentional faking if you havent already, maybe try making some form of contact with these suspected alters and see if they reach out. thats where we started, and just talking to eachother was helpful in figuring things out i wish you luck, and if you have any further questions, feel free to send more asks or DM us! - grey

AHHHHHHHHH!

Okay.

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR MASK OF THE ROSE AHEAD.

I'm going to be discussing the Reunion ending of the game, as well as some major story beats. This is a semi-hidden achievement and the content is filled with major lore spoilers. If you want to experience this for the first time yourself GO GET THIS ENDING FIRST! :)

Having said that: THE REUNION ENDING IS ACTUALLY SO INTERESTING!!

I'll put the discussion under a cut to spare anyone scrolling from accidental spoilers.

Alright. So the big reveal in this one is that Archie is in fact, not Archie.

Well, actually, he sort of is Archie. Archie exists! He is a real person! But, as you learn from May, he wasn't always Archie. Before the fall he was, in fact, LUCIAN. The dude who was erased from reality!

That might not seem like a major twist but I actually DIDN'T REALIZE IT until May started explaining it. In order to get this explanation you first had to conclude that Archie might have done the murder, but he wasn't himself for it. He's been having all kinds of weird dreams down there, right? So perhaps he got possessed.

And that's true! Archie wasn't in his right mind, because when he Fell into London, Lucian was destroyed and he was all that remains! Which explains... god, it explains so much.

Archie and Harjit then go on to make it clear that Lucian was part of the GREAT GAME. And Lucian was erased explicitly to prevent him from warning Harjit about the Fall! That's INCREDIBLY interesting because it suggests he was deliberately erased. How or why I don't know, but he was.

All this information makes a couple details abotu Archie and his story more interesting:

1. His odd behavior: The obvious depression, strange dreams, feelings of 'wrongness', the fact that he flat out disappears in endings where you don't prevent his conviction, all of these make more sense in the context of Lucian. Dying likely erased him completely, and the dreams make sense if he was already touched by the Is-Not. The depression can also be explained by the general suck-assery of the Neath, but the confusion that the amnesia and being literally not-oneself anymore likely excerbated it.

2. It means that if Archie DID INDEED KILL DAVID (other endings suggest otherwise but I digress) it could be possible that it was for a reason that Lucian would have wanted him gone. Something related to the Great Game? Thought to be pondered later.

3. And if he didn't, well, there's a conversation with Phoebe you can unlock in which Archie suggests someone may have wanted him out of the picture. You can assume its for the manifesto stuff in game, however: if the person framing Archie knew about Lucian and his involvement in the Great Game... well, it may suggest that whoever was behind the murder wanted him gone FOR THAT REASON.

4. It adds an interesting wrinkle to Harjit and Archie's relationship that I enjoy. 10/10 I love the way it turns them into a tragedy in every other ending. Harjit misses him so fiercely, and may never realize just how close his lost lover is...

5. It also kind of adds an interesting element to the PC? The game heavily imprints that you, the PC, are having similar memory issues and bouts of depression. Perhaps there's more going on there than meets the eye... if you knew Lucian previously and had a connection, that also explains why Archie is immediately gung-ho about you relationship right off the bat, moreso than the rest of the cast who seem to be infatuated with you (platonicly or otherwise) from the word 'start'. This is likely up to the individual player to decide for themselves tbh.

So, in conclusion? That shit slapped. MOTR isn't always the best written game but this was a satisfying conclusion.

I love the moves we’re making in mental health circles.

But let’s remember to not make assumptions about other peoples’ diagnoses/mental illnesses. Especially on the internet.

And also that at some point, trying to be woke takes you in a circle. Our mental illnesses, disabilities, and neurodiversities do not excuse us from harmful behavior. The reason we define them is to find solutions, and even though that’s not always possible, your personal experience is also not everyone else’s fault or problem.

There are many, many types of discrimination and prejudice these days. It’s important to remember that whatever we’ve experienced, we need to remember that there are many different levels of these things. It’s fair to talk about your feelings about something. It’s not fair to demand things from people that don’t help anyone in the long run.

For instance, I see the desire from people to stop pathologizing things like narcissism and sociopathy. But regardless of your personal diagnosis or how you, personally, have managed it, it’s important remember that there are other narcissists in the world who have caused a lot of trauma to others. There is a reason that we say things like “narcissistic…” because those are the people that *are more likely* to cause harm without realizing it. I know the frustration, but mental illness is not a neutral trait. In fact, it’s probably the one thing people are discriminated against for that may actually cause harm to both ourselves and others.

Does that mean that we need to be harassed/beaten/etc? No. Absolutely not. But policing other people’s’ language also isn’t going to fix that problem. What we NEED is to get people resources. And we can’t do that if people are angry for being called out.

Rather than saying “stop calling people XYZ,” we really need to consider educating people about what those traits look like, and how to seek help for them. Depressed people don’t say “man I wish people would stop calling me depressed.” They say “holy crap I wish I could get out of this hell.”

I get the stigmas around mental illness terms. But at some point, words are words. Any language can make people uncomfortable. And slurs are terrible. The R word, for instance, has become taboo for a reason.

But not everything is a slur. You can’t tell a queer person not to say queer because it makes you uncomfortable. So please don’t tell other people not to say “crazy” or similar stuff, because you personally find it uncomfortable. It’s the same reason you can’t really tell a black person not to say the N word in their own social context.

You can absolutely say you don’t want to be called a certain term, but mental illness is not an obvious trait, and context is important with language because it is constantly evolving. I, for instance, say “bitch” all the time. It is a part of my terminology. I also say fuck. My grandparents don’t love that one, but the societal appropriateness has changed.

So please please please don’t just say “that’s sanist” to someone using “crazy” on the internet to describe a situation or person or themselves.

We have so many fricken problems these days. We’re not doing ourselves any favors as a movement towards more open conversation about mental health if we’re constantly policing each others’ language so badly that we lose perspective.

Not all mental illnesses can be fixed. But don’t forget that no one person is the center of the universe, and that your experiences are the only ones that exist. It sucks, but it’s true.

Instead of policing people’s language outside of super obvious slurs, try:

- providing context for why a term might make you uncomfortable when it is used for you

- offering your experience when someone suggests they or someone else might be struggling with any type of mental illness

- creating/suggesting resources for people who seem to be struggling and/or causing harm to others

- blocking/ignoring/distancing people that you find yourself regressing around, and focus on your own well-being.

And for the love of science, please don’t call random people out for sanism on the internet. These things are very interconnected, and your personal experience is not singular, nor the only reason other people have been harassed.

I JUST HAD THE CRAZIEST IDEA FOR WHAT A REAL HEART FEELS LIKE (long ramble warning)

So in writing it, I’ve really only focused on the Archon Quests. But I’m planning on doing a few Story Quests for certain characters (definitely Mona’s and you’re about to find out why), alongside at least one limited event. That event will be the Golden Apple Archipelago, and I’m doing both visits.

The first visit will just be mindless summer fun on the islands. I’ll probably have Noelle there along with everyone else (because let’s face it we all know she deserves a vacation).

But the second visit...oh, that one will be character development GALORE.

Mona, Fischl, Xinyan, and Kazuha all have their mirages as normal. Noelle will be there again, so she’ll have one, too. But then things get interesting.

See, in the actual game, the Traveler didn’t get a mirage. But this isn’t the actual game. See what I’m getting at here?

Yep, Roxas gets a mirage, too! And his will be based on a place he knows well. No, not Twilight Town.

It’ll be The World That Never Was.

It won’t be based on their visit to any particular island either. After all, this is a place that doesn’t exist, isn’t it? My plan is that the group gets separated from Roxas (how that happens, I’ve yet to determine) and then they all fall into a dreamlike slumber. They wake up and find that they’re in the Alley To Between, the first area in The World That Never Was. And Roxas is still gone.

It’s all kinda straightforward from there. They travel through TWTNW, maybe fighting a few Nobodies along the way. But then things get interesting at the Castle That Never Was.

They hear voices, ones they don’t recognize. Voices that seem to be plotting something...mentioning hearts, darkness, Keyblades...and becoming whole again.

They travel through the stronghold (Proof of Existence isn’t there, but you’ll know why in a minute), and eventually find themselves at Where Nothing Gathers, the old meeting room of Organization XIII.

And then each of them disappear.

They find themselves in strange arena-like areas, separated from one another. Before them will appear a figure - a member of the Organization.

I’m planning on having Xinyan fight Demyx, because HEY LOOK YOU PLAY STRING INSTRUMENT I PLAY STRING INSTRUMENT LET’S FIGHT AND SEE WHO’S THE BETTER MUSICIAN LOL (there will be some serious stuff and development for Xinyan, don’t worry)

I’m probably gonna have Fischl fight Larxene. Not sure why.

Mona will either fight Saix or Luxord (I’m leaning towards Luxord, because he’s the type to rely on rolling the dice if you know what I mean. Also his title is literally “Gambler of Fate” and Mona’s an astrologist who deals with reading destiny soooo yeah)

I’m not sure who Kazuha’s gonna square up with. Maybe Lexaeus?

But Noelle...oh, Noelle’s got a challenge ahead of her. But first, a bit of context.

As of the story currently, Noelle and Roxas are in a sort of...pseudo-relationship. Not quite dating, but definitely more than friends. It’s hard to describe. And no they’re not friends with benefits, get your mind out the gutter.

But anyway, let’s just say Noelle cares very deeply about Roxas.

And who do you fight in KH2? What well-developed son-of-a-gun character did I lose to about 20 times and not get mad at once?

Roxas.

Yeah, Noelle’s gonna have to relive Roxas’s boss fight. And there’s gonna be some HEFTY dialogue beforehand, because this isn’t post-KH2 Roxas who’s just plain depressed. This is post-358/2 Roxas who is depressed and ABSOLUTELY LIVID. 

I imagine the pre-boss fight conversation would play out kinda the way it did with Sora in Roxas in KH Coded. Something like this:

Illusory Roxas (hooded, so Noelle doesn’t recognize him): “You made it to the end, I take it? Heh...I’d ask if you had fun on your little trip. But that doesn’t really matter, does it? Nothing does.”

Noelle (realizing that his voice sounds familiar): “Wh-What do you mean? There are plenty of things that matter to me.”

Illusory Roxas (scoffs): “Heh...of course there are. You know what it’s like to have a heart. Tell me...what is it that matters most to you?”

Noelle: “...A person. You...You sound like him, oddly enough. I...I care about him a lot. More than anything. But he’s missing...and it hurts that he could be suffering without me there to save him.”

Illusory Roxas: “...So you hurt. I’m warning you, that hurt will drag you into the depths of the darkness. You need to let go of it.”

Noelle: “Why should I? The hurt I feel...it reminds me of what’s important to me: him. It lets me know that he needs me, and that I need him. I’m not going to run from it. That hurt will stay in my heart until I find him.”

Illusory Roxas (gritting his teeth): “The darkness will take you first. It’ll come from the hurt in your heart before you ever find who you’re looking for.”

Noelle: “But if I ignore my pain, I’ll lose my tie with the person I care about most. Even if I do fall into darkness...I’ll carry this hurt with me. It’ll be my light. And I’m only going to let it go when I find him...because he’s my light. But until I find him, I’ll hold on to my pain. It’s what keeps my heart connected to his. And it may not be the best feeling, this...hurt...but I accept it.”

Illusory Roxas: “...You say you accept it? This isn’t a game!”

(The room shifts to reveal a Station of Awakening, and this one belongs to Noelle!)

(Noelle looks around, confused and shocked. Suddenly, a familiar sword points at her back.)

Illusory Roxas (holding Oathkeeper and Oblivion, pointing Oblivion at Noelle): “It’s way past time you learned WHAT REAL HURT FEELS LIKE!!!”

(fight begins)

HOLY FUCK THAT WAS LONG SORRY

But what do you think?

Alright. I don’t really give a shit what happens if I post this, so here we go. (TW: Suicide/ examples of discrimination)

(Note: If you’re going to read this, please read closely. I’ve thought about this for a long time and I’d appreciate it if my words weren’t twisted or misunderstood. Out of context, some of the things I say here may seem cruel or wrong, and I understand that fully. If you’d like me to elaborate on anything, please send me an ask, but please don’t argue with me. I’ve argued with enough people, including myself, and I truly believe in what I’m about to say. If I realize later in life that any of this is wrong, I’m more than willing to admit that to myself and anyone else.)

Society is a fucking mess. Ok? I don’t care who you are, or what you believe in, you gotta know that. There are so many reasons it’s fucked up. Really. And, after having a conversation with my mom, I think I have a pretty firm grip on how to word how I feel about it.

My mom and I have pretty different views politically, but we’re both Christians and have very similar philosophical views. Toward the end of our discussion, she said she was confused as to why the suicide rate in LGBTQ+ people was so high since they’re being more accepted and represented in society than they were before. She agreed that there was still discrimination, but that their whole situation had generally improved since sometime like the 60’s. She told me that she genuinely thinks that the reasoning behind it is that being a homosexual is a sin, and practicing it makes a person’s life miserable and drives them to suicide. She also sincerely wanted to know if there was any other explanation, because while she’s right-wing, she still gets along with people in the LGBT+ and has had people in her life who were close who were part of that group. I told her that it probably wasn’t because it was a sin, and that it was because of how the community’s hardships that were more common in the past are over-exaggerated today. Now, I know that sounds odd, but hear me out. In media, whether it’s social or forms of entertainment, the negative aspects of being in certain groups are emphasized. For the LGBTQ+ community, homophobia, depression, and anxiety are common themes when that group is portrayed in media. Naturally, as humans, we’re likely to sympathize or empathize or identify more commonly with people who are more like us. It’s not exactly the same as natural bias, but it’s a similar concept. As someone who’s sure that they’re a member of the LGBT community, and also as a Christian, I’ve also experienced this. Whenever somebody uses a stereotype for either of those groups, I feel offended and defensive, even if that comment wasn’t directed at me. This is me identifying with large groups of people who may be absolutely nothing like me in personality of life experiences, but I’m relating to them because of that one thing we have in common. So when large amounts of (especially young) people in the LGBTQ+ community see stories of other homosexuals or trans people suffering from depression, or anxiety, or discrimination because of their identity, they’ll identify and relate with them, even if they haven’t experienced those things themselves. I’ve been called the f slur before. It ticked me off a little, but I didn’t really take offense to it. I know that that’s not who I am; being a homosexual doesn’t define me. But when my transfem friend was sexually harassed because they’re trans, they were affected by it because they’ve started to believe that who they are is somebody who’s just trying to be themself but is always going to be looked down on or fetishized. It’s fucking sad. Through media, they’ve been convinced that who they are is decided by what they experience based on their identity. But it shouldn’t be that way. It should be that your identity is based on your experiences as a human being. And yes, I think that mental health awareness and opposing discrimination is right, but the way it’s being done is doing more harm than good. People are giving more problems than they are solutions. My other trans friend is horrified because he’s scared that no one will ever want to be in a relationship with him, or that he won’t be accepted by his family, and much else. And while those fears are valid, they cause him so much more anxiety and pain than they should. He should be able to find solutions to the problems he faces, whether it be in the media or in his own life. If history repeats itself, why are we being so insistent on repeating its mistakes? Why aren’t we enabling ourselves to repeat history’s achievements?

I also want to say that people are way too judge-mental. Just don’t freaking judge people. For example, I don’t believe that abortion should be legal after a certain point in pregnancy, and I also believe that if they wish to have say, the father should have say in the choice the pregnant person makes about the pregnancy. But when I hear about my aunt who got an abortion, or are talking to someone who defends abortion, I don’t tell them that they’re going to Hell or that they’re evil people. Am I perfect? Am I fucking perfect? No, I’m not, so I’m in no position to be judging anyone for their beliefs as long as those beliefs don’t limit my rights or are certain to harm others. If there’s a person who believes sexual abuse/harassment is ok, I’m going to argue with them about it for sure. But if you go up to someone who allows their son to wear a skirt and you tell them you’re ruining their child’s life, you’re way out of line. Are you a perfect parent, if you’re a parent at all? Were your parents perfect? Do you know this person’s child better than they do? No. Stop judging people so violently! All it does is create stereotypes and hatred and fear and pain and shame, and it’s sickening how common it is. This especially goes out to those of us who believe in God, because hey, we aren’t supposed to judge people, only He does. Only Him. He decides who gets into Heaven and who doesn’t, right? And at Judgement Day, if He sends you to Hell because your soul is so ridden with hatred and disgust for other human beings, don’t be so damn surprised. Stop judging people. Also, religious or not, try as hard as you can to be the best person you can be. Even if something seems like it won’t hurt anybody, if you know it’s wrong, just don’t do it, because I guarantee you it will hurt someone, even if that someone is yourself. Show kindness, avoid violence, try not to use alcohol or drugs to cope, try not to sleep around so much (I would never shame anyone for that, but it can be dangerous or affect you emotionally), don’t lie, don’t steal. Unless you are physically unable to not do something, don’t do it. Be the best person you can be, and encourage others to be as well. Also, this is sort of unrelated, but I want to get it out. Please don’t kill yourself. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through that’s making you feel so pained, I promise you, it will end, and not just with the end of your life. You can get through it, and your life is worth so so much. I don’t care who you are.

Again, if you want me to elaborate on any of this, please message me. I thought of how to word most of this in the shower and you guys know how that usually works, so the way I get these things across may be faulty. Thank you for reading this, really. I’m sorry it’s so wordy and weird. (I was also really angry at the beginning of it so I apologize for that as well.)

You have way more wisdom and experience than I do and also approach topics with a lot of nuance (which I really appreciate) so I was hoping you could offer some help. If this ask is too heavy or it's too weird feel free to ignore.

I've been Poor my whole life and I've also been severely mentally ill most of my life. Mental health care isn't covered by my country's government and therapy is really expensive so I pushed on using mostly online tips and tricks to manage my depression. But that's not working anymore. I do everything I see online but it's not helping any longer. I've journaled in old school notebooks, I've worked out at home so much I'd be buff if I wasn't too underweight to gain muscle, the little food I can afford is so meticulously chosen as to be healthy that I put health food bloggers to shame and a host of other stuff people tell you will cure depression.

I recently realized that a lot of the things that happened to me as a kid were actually extremely traumatic and abusive which only added to it.

I'm desperate for any support but I can't afford therapy and I also can't just say to my friends "I need you to help me with complex trauma." that would be overstepping boundaries and also very entitled of me, so I'm definitely not doing that.

I worry that eventually it will be too much and I'll fully have a mental breakdown, which would be disastrous for me as I pay for my college myself and a mental breakdown wouldn't exactly be good for my barely above minimum wage job.

How do I prevent that? Are there any sources that can assist you when you know that realistically you can't afford therapy? Or are there books or online services that can help? Is there way to work through this right now until I save enough for a therapist. I'm at my wits end and it's starting to become obvious to those around me that I'm struggling a lot mentally. Just going through the day is soul crushing and my only motivation is the money I pay for my degree not being wasted.

This is a lot to ask from anyone, especially an online stranger, so please don't feel obligated to answer. if you can't answer that's fine and I'll probably ask Reddit again. Also if any part of this is trauma dumping please let me know as I struggle with knowing when I'm just telling people stuff and when I'm trauma dumping

--

Nah, this isn't trauma dumping. That usually involves more details of what happened to you and is often in a derailing context in an existing conversation.

Unfortunately, if there were easy answers, you'd already have found them.

The first thing is not to beat yourself up. Mental illness and poverty do a number on anybody.

All that "go jogging to feel better" shit is for people who have mild situational depression. You don't. No matter how hard you work, none of that crap is going to fix it. I mean, eating healthy couldn't hurt, but it's not your fault it didn't work. It was never going to work.

Yours is presumably a brain that needs meds, and until you can afford to pump some different chemicals into it, it's going to keep making the wrong ones and ruining your day. Health is a nice goal... Under the current circumstances, however, I think a more useful goal is just to survive. Every day above ground is a win.

As long as you're still kicking, there's always time for things to improve. You don't need to be a superhero and fix yourself right now. You just need to make it through school till you can at least focus on just the shitty job instead of the shitty job plus school. (And hopefully, a better job, eventually.) Whatever keeps you upright and heading for that goal is what you should do.

In terms of specific resources, you could try looking up the DBT resources other people have been talking about. DBT seems to be used on otherwise intractable depression, suicidal tendencies, etc. and often on people with a hot mess of a childhood.

Unstructured journaling and general "try to be healthy" stuff has not helped, so I would focus on more structured practices that involve specific homework. Meditation and mindfulness exercises may help (and are a part of DBT).

One thing I noticed is that Lucifer doesn't disassociate when singing, and what's one common factor in his songs? Charlie, so I like to imagine that in these instances he's so focused on her that his depression temporarily takes a back seat because he loves his kid so much that he forgets why he's sad in the first place.

ooh I like your headcanons!

hmm I guess we could look at this a couple of different ways (some of what I'm about to say comes from personal experience which may be different than what some other people experience so idk feel free to agree or disagree with my musings)

So dissociation doesn't [technically] affect your ability to speak, it affects your ability to focus. The way I was talking about it in my analysis was that it nerfed Lucifer's conversation comprehension, with him being unable to follow along the entire time (and consequently either has NO idea what anyone is talking about or only gets half the picture).

The only times Lucifer really fumbles his words is when he gets nervous around Charlie either cuz he's trying to make a good impression

Or when he realizes his depression is biting him in the ass and he just missed crucial pieces of information and cannot bluff his way through the conversation

Although shout out to that one time we caught him realizing he needed to bluff and stumbled a little

But otherwise, he articulates himself perfectly fine, cuz again, dissociation isn't about speaking ability so much as it is about focus. Even in my bouts of dissociation I can verbalize myself just fine for the most part, it's whether or not what I have to say is relevant to the conversation, which uh Lucifer also showed off at some point when he thought Charlie was asking him about the hotel's appearance rather than her actual plan to redeem sinners and comments on the railings. (Or idk there is another interpretation that he was avoiding the subject, maybe it was both he disassociated while Charlie was explaining everything to him but did catch that she wanted to redeem sinners at some point, but didn't quite understand what she was asking until she clarified? he didn't seem surprised when she did clarify so I'm assuming he ended up catching it at least once)

So I'm bringing this up because it ends up being kinda hard to tell whether or not he is or is not disassociating when he sings, cuz the dissociation wouldn't affect the singing at all.

When he's having a sing battle against Alastor, sure he's articulating himself well and presenting his points, but we don't actually know whether or not he's following along what Alastor is saying. Honestly, Lucifer vs Alastor just seemed like 2 territorial chickens yelling at each other trying to be louder than the other one. Maybe Lucifer is catching everything cuz his jealous and rage helped him focus for once, maybe he's not catching everything but he doesn't need to catch everything to know that he doesn't like Alastor and he doesn't need to focus to tell Alastor how much he dislikes him.

But what about the other two songs, "More than Anything" and "Finale"?

He is technically outright having a conversation with Charlie in the first one and in the second one, he seems fully aware of the context of the situation and is focusing more on a lifting spirits role

Well it could be a lot of things I think. I don't think it's that the depression or the sadness took a back seat, that's still present. From my own experiences, it is possible to get yourself to focus in a dissociative episode when the subject matter is something you're passionate about or in Lucifer's case, someone that he loves. We know the dissociation was unfortunately strong enough that it was making him miss out on a lot of things Charlie (aforementioned loved one) was telling him, especially in the beginning.

But looking at "More than Anything" what changed in that scene? He was with Charlie the entire episode but that was the first scene where he really managed to hold a conversation. I think it was a combination of: Okay his baby girl is there and she NEEDS him, and he opens up as to why he's hesitant about her plan. He's not explicit with the mention of his trauma, but trauma does make someone more alert. I'd also like to give a special shout out to @in-fair-verona-we-set-our-scene who made these lovely tags on my analysis post

Specifically, I want to talk about that they mention that Lucifer is being a lot more genuine in his song with Charlie, aka he's not masking. He's not trying to hide or bluff how he's doing. He's not putting on a show, he's not being goofy or larger than life, he's being genuine and his genuine self is tired, sad and resigned. Let me tell you, my dissociation is 100% worse when I'm masking.

I think in "More Than Anything" a mix of things are going on, he's not needing to mask for a minute which boosts the focus, he's opening up about trauma and it's being gently received which boosts focus, and he's talking to someone he loves about something he was once passionate about which boosts focus. So ye! It could entirely be that in that song he was not dissociating!

As far as "Finale" I legitimately can't really tell whether or not he is? He's not really having a conversation with anyone, he's just trying to uplift his daughter, and again, in my experiences, dissociation doesn't necessarily nerf your ability to speak. We also know that he knows how to put on a show even in the depths of the dissociation like in "Hell's Greatest Dad" soooo as for that song... -shrug-?????

There is an element here that we have to take into account. Hazbin Hotel is a traditional musical, so we must look at a theater saying, "When the emotion becomes too strong for speech, you sing." Which is more or less what happened in all the songs Lucifer was a part in, so there's definitely some meta technical things going on in that a song wouldn't be very dramatic if the person singing it was dissociating the whole time? I mean I guess it could be done, I've just never seen it? Usually the musical number has to be clear in its purpose. The protagonist of Dear Even Hansen can sing just fine when any other speaking parts he fumbles with his words a lot.

AAAAAAALLL of this to say: Does Lucifer stop disassociating when he sings? -shrugs- I think it really depends on the context, but I wouldn't at all be surprised cuz high emotion can lead to greater focus in a moment. Although it's really cute to think that he doesn't dissociate cuz singing with Charlie is just that much of a boost for him cuz he loves his wittle girl

that post about productivity made me feel so awful. as someone with debilitating anxiety and constant suicidality i already question whether im being gentle with myself or just being lazy on a daily basis. i already wonder why it's so hard for me to do things that come so easily to others. i already beat myself up for it and have horribly low self esteem because of it. op saying that someone who isn't living up to their idea of productivity is "living like a beast" is just mean. i also take issue with their mocking of the "just existing is enough" posts. i agree they can be annoying but i don't like the idea that people have to prove that they're "worth" being alive. i don't know. maybe im exactly the type of person op is talking about. it just sucks finding out that other people are judging you about things you already hate yourself for.

I mean this with the utmost compassion to what you're going through, because I realize it's difficult, but I genuinely believe it's better for everyone if we don't attach our own insecurities and fears to posts we see on the internet, especially when there's no real context to support that. Again, I do sympathize because tbh I've struggled a lot with delusional paranoia in the past, so I understand the impulse. But there are a lot of people reading a lot of things into that post which were not said.

Not said, for instance, was that you need to live up to op's idea of productivity. Instead, they said you should divorce the concept of productivity from the capitalistic ideal of work/monetization. Which is true. Capitalism has hijacked the concept of productivity. In reality, simply keeping yourself alive can be productive.

I think a lot of people are applying their own history with ableism--being made to feel lesser because of our struggles with mental illness, being called lazy when we're just barely surviving ourselves, etc--and I understand why. The post itself was not especially kind-worded, which I expect came from a spur of the moment irritation. But on social media, making an irritated spur of the moment post will almost always result in people misreading your intent. And sometimes that's the fault of op, because no matter your intent, your words and choices and the harm they may cause matter. But sometimes it really is the case of people attaching their own baggage to a conversation they misunderstand. I think in this case it's a mix of the two.

I certainly don't think people, disabled or not, shouldn't be allowed to prioritize rest in a world that seems intent to kill us through labor. A world obsessed with grinding 24/7, with monetizing each breath, and which charges you for each exhale. But there is a difference between rest and apathy, and I do believe that for many, apathy is a real concern. Not apathy towards other people, necessarily, though that is also a problem. But apathy towards your own life.

When struggling with things like depression, apathy can often become second nature. You lose interest in living. You stop doing the things you like to do. You stop engaging with the world around you. I think we can all agree that this isn't a good way to live, and I assume that this was what op was referring to.

I understand the appeal of saying "it's enough to just exist," but I fundamentally disagree. I don't think it's enough to "just exist." I don't think you can be happy passively going through the motions of living. I know it's difficult to conceive of doing anything else at this point in time for many of you, but I do truly want the best for you, and I believe that includes finding joy and enrichment in your life. Thank you for sending this message, and I hope at least some part of my response proves helpful. 💝

I waited a bit with analyzing this particular chat, since I wasn't sure if it actually took place in the beginning, or if the events mentioned in it are those that occur later in the book; but I don't think that's the case. I was concerned it might be because of Izaya's reaction to the mention of guns, and not wanting to talk about it. However, I think if this was about Shizuo getting shot, I think Celty wouldn't talk about it in such a detached way, so at the moment I think this event simply inspires Izaya's later actions.

We start of with Mikado copy-pasting several lines of mechanical laughter, and Izaya low-key complaining about it, only to quickly delete the chat history when Celty joins.

What he's deleting is apparently him 'jokingly' talking about ways to legally murder Shizuo. Now, why? One possibility is simply to protect his identity, after everyone knows about their rivalry, and with Celty especially he can't risk that. However! He knows 'Saika' and Celty are friends, regardless of whether he's aware of Saika being Anri and apparently he can see who's online in a user list; so then why would he have been okay with Saika seeing it, when she can easily tell Celty about it?

I think the answer is pretty simple. This wasn't calculated at all, it was just Izaya venting his frustration to Mikado, and then getting embarrassed about it when Mikado points out how obsessed and stupid he's acting. Then he realizes the others will see and goes 'oh fuck, oh shit' and gets rid of the evidence.

"Shizuo's name seems to pop up in here a lot", in context, it's easy to assume that that's because Izaya talks about him (wether out of frustration or obsession is impossible to know though). Alternatively however, it could simply be a reference so Saika's spamming in the previous book.

And then we have this private conversation with Mikado. Online, Mikado hardly hides his intentions and the 'big boss' past of his personality. I'd say he's completely in control of this conversation, not Izaya! It also reveals that Izaya probably has a very dark sense of humor, the type you'll recognize if you hang out with depressed neurodivergents a lot. (Which is not to say he's depressed; he just shares the humor and the nihilist world view).

There's really no manipulation going on here, they talk as friends would, although Mikado does seem rather eager to use Izaya for his info. And Izaya just goes with it too, even trying to stir Mikado in the right direction for understanding what the Saika thing actually was, though Mikado doesn't really question it.

(it was the Saika children logging in individually under the same name while under influence of Haruna, not Anri. There was never any virus involved, that's just a bullshit explanation that Celty came up with.)

Izaya does take a dig at Mikado for being dirt poor though, which probably double serves as a slight warming that Mikado should keep up friendly relationships with him or he'll lose access to that privilege. ... Mikado proceeds to be a killjoy anyway.

These are questions I've had for some while and it's hard to find someone who'll answer with grace. This mostly relates to disabilities (mental or physical) in fiction.

1) What makes a portrayal of a disability that's harming the character in question ableist?

2) Is there a way to write a disabled villain in a way that isn't ableist?

In the circles I've been in, the common conceptions are you can't use a character's disability as a plot point or showcase it being a hindrance in some manner. heaven forbid you make your villain disabled in some capacity, that's a freaking death sentence to a creative's image. I understand historically villains were the only characters given disabilities, but (and this is my personal experience) I've not seen as many disabled villains nowadays, heck, I see more disabled heroes in media nowadays.

Sorry if this comes off as abrasive, I'd really like to be informed for future media consumption and my own creative endeavors.

Okay so the first thing I'm going to say is that while it IS a good idea to talk to disabled people and get their feedback, disabled people are not a monolith and they aren't going to all have the same take on how this goes.

My personal take is biased in favor that I'm a neurodivergent person (ADHD and autism) who has no real experience with physical disabilities, so I won't speak for physically disabled people- heck, I won't even speak for every neurotype. Like I say, people aren't a monolith.

For myself and my own writing of disabled characters, here's a couple of concepts I stick by:

Research is your friend

Think about broad conventions of ableism

Be mindful of cast composition

1. Research is your friend

Yeah this is the thing everybody says, so here's the main bases I try to cover:

What's the story on this character's disability?

Less in terms of 'tragic angst' and more, what kind of condition this is- because a congenital amputee (that is to say, someone who was born without a limb) will have a different relationship to said limb absence than someone who lost their limb years ago to someone who lost their limb yesterday. How did people in their life respond to it, and how did they respond to it? These responses are not "natural" and will not be the same to every person with every worldview. This can also be a great environment to do worldbuilding in! Think about the movie (and the tv series) How To Train Your Dragon. The vikings in that setting don't have access to modern medicine, and they're, well, literally fighting dragons and other vikings. The instance of disability is high, and the medical terminology to talk about said disabilities is fairly lackluster- but in a context where you need every man you possibly can to avoid the winter, the mindset is going to be not necessarily very correct, but egalitarian. You live in a village of twenty people and know a guy who took a nasty blow to the head and hasn't quite been the same ever since? "Traumatic Brain Injury" is probably not going to be on your lips, but you're also probably going to just make whatever peace you need to and figure out how to accommodate Old Byron for his occasional inability to find the right word, stammers and trembles. In this example, there are several relevant pieces of information- what the character's disability is (aphasia), how they got it (brain injury), and the culture and climate around it (every man has to work, and we can't make more men or throw them away very easily, so, how can we make sure this person can work even if we don't know what's wrong with them)

And that dovetails into:

What's the real history, and modern understandings, of this?

This is where "knowing the story" helps a lot. To keep positing our hypothetical viking with a brain injury, I can look into brain injuries, what affects their extent and prognosis, and maybe even beliefs about this from the time period and setting I'm thinking of (because people have had brains, and brain injuries, the entire time!) Sure, if the setting is fantastical, I have wiggle room, but looking at inspirations might give me a guide post.

Having a name for your disorder also lets you look for posts made by specific people who live with the condition talking about their lives. This is super, super important for conditions stereotyped as really scary, like schizophrenia or narcissistic personality disorder. Even if you already know "schizophrenic people are real and normal" it's still a good thing to wake yourself up and connect with others.

2. Think about broad conventions of ableism

It CAN seem very daunting or intimidating to stay ahead of every single possible condition that could affect someone's body and mind and the specific stereotypes to avoid- there's a lot under the vast umbrella of human experience and we're learning more all the time! A good hallmark is, ableism has a few broad tendencies, and when you see those tendencies rear their head, in your own thinking or in accounts you read by others, it's good to put your skeptical glasses on and look closer. Here's a few that I tend to watch out for:

Failing the “heartwarming dog” test

This was a piece of sage wisdom that passed my eyeballs, became accepted as sage wisdom, and my brain magnificently failed to recall where I saw it. Basically, if you could replace your disabled character with a lovable pet who might need a procedure to save them, and it wouldn’t change the plot, that’s something to look into.

Disability activists speak often about infantilization, and this is a big thing of what they mean- a lot of casual ableism considers disabled people as basically belonging to, or being a burden onto, the able-bodied and neurotypical. This doesn’t necessarily even need to have an able neurotypical in the picture- a personal experience I had that was extremely hurtful was at a point in high school, I decided to do some research on autism for a school project. As an autistic teenager looking up resources online, I was very upset to realize that every single resource I accessed at the time presumed it was talking to a neurotypical parent about their helpless autistic child. I was looking for resources to myself, yet made to feel like I was the subject in a conversation.

Likewise, many wheelchair users have relayed the experience of, when they, in their chair, are in an environment accompanied by someone else who isn’t using a chair, strangers would speak to the standing person exclusively, avoiding addressing the chair user. 

It’s important to always remind yourself that at no point do disabled people stop being people. Yes, even people who have facial deformities; yes, even people who need help using the bathroom; yes, even people who drool; yes, even people whose conditions impact their ability to communicate, yes, even people with cognitive disabilities. They are people, they deserve dignity, and they are not “a child trapped in a 27-year-old body”- a disabled adult is still an adult. All of the “trying to learn the right rules” in the world won’t save you if you keep an underlying fear of non-normative bodies and minds.

This also has a modest overlap between disability and sexuality in particular. I am an autistic grayromantic ace. Absolutely none of my choices or inclinations about sex are because I’m too naive or innocent or childlike to comprehend the notion- disabled people have as diverse a relationship with sexuality as any other. That underlying fear- as mentioned before- can prevent many people from imagining that, say, a wheelchair user might enjoy sex and have experience with it. Make sure all of your disabled characters have full internal worlds.

Poor sickly little Tiffany and the Red Right Hand

A big part of fictional ableism is that it separates the disabled into two categories. Anybody who’s used TVTropes would recognize the latter term I used here. But to keep it brief:

Poor, sickly little Tiffany is cute. Vulnerable. How her disability affects her life is that it constantly creates a pall of suffering that she lives beneath. After all, having a non-normative mind or body must be an endless cavalcade of suffering and tragedy, right? People who are disabled clearly spend their every waking moment affected by, and upset, that they aren’t normal!

The answer is... No, actually. Cut the sad violin; even people who have chronic pain who are literally experiencing pain a lot more than the rest of us are still fully capable of living complex lives and being happy. If nothing else, it would be literally boring to feel nothing but awful, and people with major depression or other problems still, also, have complicated experiences. And yes, some of it’s not great. You don’t have to present every disability as disingenuously a joy to have. But make a point that they own these things. It is a very different feeling to have a concerned father looking through the window at his angel-faced daughter rocking sadly in her wheelchair while she stares longingly out the window, compared to a character waking up at midnight because they have to go do something and frustratedly hauling their body out of their bed into their chair to get going.

Poor Sickly Little Tiffany (PSLT, if you will) virtually always are young, and they virtually always are bound to the problems listed under ‘failing the heartwarming dog’ test. Yes, disabled kids exist, but the point I’m making here is that in the duality of the most widely accepted disabled characters, PSLT embodies the nadir of the Victim, who is so pure, so saintly, so gracious, that it can only be a cruel quirk of fate that she’s suffering. After all, it’s not as if disabled people have the same dignity that any neurotypical and able-bodied person has, where they can be an asshole and still expect other people to not seriously attack their quality of life- it’s a “service” for the neurotypical and able-bodied to “humor” them.

(this is a bad way to think. Either human lives matter or they don’t. There is no “wretched half-experience” here- if you wouldn’t bodily grab and yank around a person standing on their own feet, you have no business grabbing another person’s wheelchair)

On the opposite end- and relevant to your question- is the Red Right Hand. The Red Right Hand does not have PSLT’s innocence or “purity”- is the opposite extreme. The Red Right Hand is virtually always visually deformed, and framed as threatening for their visual deformity. To pick on a movie I like a fair amount, think about how in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the title character is described- “Strong. Fast. Had a metal arm.” That’s a subtle example, but, think about how that metal arm is menacing. Sure, it’s a high tech weapon in a superhero genre- but who has the metal arm? The Winter Soldier, who is, while a tormented figure that ultimately becomes more heroic- scary. Aggressive. Out for blood.

The man who walks at midnight with a Red Right Hand is a signal to us that his character is foul because of the twisting of his body. A good person, we are led to believe, would not be so- or a good person would be ashamed of their deformity and work to hide it. The Red Right Hand is not merely “an evil disabled person”- they are a disabled person whose disability is depicted as symptomatic of their evil, twisted nature, and when you pair this trope with PSLT, it sends a message: “stay in your place, disabled people. Be sad, be consumable, and let us push you around and decide what to do with you. If you get uppity, if you have ideas, if you stand up to us, then the thing that made you a helpless little victim will suddenly make you a horrible monster, and justify us handling you with inhumanity.”

As someone who is a BIG fan of eldritch horror and many forms of unsettling “wrongness” it is extremely important to watch out for the Red Right Hand. Be careful how you talk about Villainous Disability- there is no connection between disability and morality. People will be good, bad, or simply just people entirely separate from their status of ability or disability. It’s just as ableist to depict every disabled person as an innocent good soul as it is to exclusively deal in grim and ghastly monsters.

Don’t justify disabilities and don’t destroy them.

Superpowers are cool. Characters can and IMO should have superpowers, as long as you’re writing a genre when they’re there.

BUT.

It’s important to remember that there is no justification for disabilities, because they don’t need one. Disability is simply a feature characters have. You do not need to go “they’re blind, BUT they can see the future”

This is admittedly shaky, and people can argue either way; the Blind Seer is a very pronounced mythological figure and an interesting philosophical point about what truly matters in the world. There’s a reason it exists as a conceit. But if every blind character is blind in a way that completely negates that disability or makes it meaningless- this sucks. People have been blind since the dawn of time. And people will always accommodate their disabilities in different ways. Even if the technology exists to fix some forms of blindness, there are people who will have “fixable” blindness and refuse to treat it. There will be individuals born blind who have no meaningful desire to modify this. And there are some people whose condition will be inoperable even if it “shouldn’t” be.

You don’t need to make your disabled characters excessively cool, or give them a means by which the audience can totally forget they’re disabled. Again, this is a place where strong worldbuilding is your buddy- a handwave of “x technology fixed all disabilities”, in my opinion, will never come off good. If, instead, however, you throw out a careless detail that the cool girl the main character is chatting up in a cyberpunk bar has an obvious spinal modification, and feature other characters with prosthetics and without- I will like your work a lot, actually. Even if you’re handing out a fictional “cure”- show the seams. Make it have drawbacks and pros and cons. A great example of this is in the series Full Metal Alchemist- the main character has two prosthetic limbs, and not only do these limbs come with problems, some mundane (he has phantom limb pains, and has to deal with outgrowing his prostheses or damaging them in combat) some more fantastical (these artificial limbs are connected to his nerves to function fluidly- which means that they get surgically installed with no anesthesia and hurt like fuck plugging in- and they require master engineering to stay in shape). We explicitly see a scene of the experts responsible for said limbs talking to a man who uses an ordinary prosthetic leg, despite the advantages of an automail limb, because these drawbacks are daunting to him and he is happier with a simple prosthetic leg.

Even in mundane accommodations you didn’t make up- no two wheelchair users use their chair the exact same way, and there’s a huge diversity of chairs. Someone might be legally blind but still navigate confidently on their own; they might use a guide dog, or they might use a cane. They might even change their needs from situation to situation!

Disability accommodations are part of life

This ties in heavily to the previous point, but seriously! Don’t just look up one model of cane and superimpose it with no modifications onto your character- think about what their lifestyle is, and what kind of person they are!

Also medication is not the devil. Yes, medical abuse is real and tragic and the medication is not magic fairy dust that solves all problems either. But also, it’s straight ableism to act like anybody needing pills for any reason is a scary edgy plot twist. 

(and addiction is a disease. Please be careful, and moreover be compassionate, if you’re writing a character who’s an addict)

3. Be mindful of cast composition

This, to me, is a big tip about disability writing and it’s also super easy to implement!

Just make sure your cast has a lot of meaningful disabled characters in it!

Have you done all the work you can to try and dodge the Red Right Hand but you’re still worried your disabled villain is a bad look? They sure won’t look like a commentary on disability if three other people in the cast are disabled and don’t have the same outlook or role! Worried that you’re PSLT-ing your main character’s disabled child? Maybe the disability is hereditary and they got it from the main character!

The more disabled characters you have, the more it will challenge you to think about what their individual relationship is with the world and the less you’ll rely on hackneyed tropes. At least, ideally.

-

Ultimately, there’s no perfect silver bullet of diversity writing that will prevent a work from EVER being ableist, but I hope this helped, at least!

City of splintering hopes: Chapter 1 "Frosty conversations"

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Ao3

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Frostbite quickly seemed to realise what he had said and stopped talking, immediately dropping his usually happy attitude. Danny was still processing what he had said.

"Hey Frosty?" Danny asked during one of his semi-regular visits to the Far Frozen.

"Yes Great One?" Frostbite replied as he finished up checking that Danny had fully recovered from a terrible case of the ghost flu he had caught a few days ago.

"You and the other Yetis seem to know alot about my hybrid physiology when I don't even know that. How come?" Danny asked. It was an innocent enough question. Jazz had pointed it out just before he left for his visit and he hadn't been able to shake it from his mind since.

"Well, of course!" Frostbite said with a boisterous laugh "You think you are the only Halfa to have ever allied with our tribe? We have always been friends to your kind Great One!" Frostbite said back with a carefree kind of happiness before he realized what he had just accidentally spilled.

Now they stood there in heavy silence as Danny processed the meaning behind Frostbite's words.

"Other Halfas!?" Danny all but screeched as he nearly fell from where he was sitting with the realisation of what Frostbite said.

Frostbite looked uncomfortable to say the least. He seemed to look around at anything but Danny as he replied "Y-Yes of course! You didn't think you and those two others were the only ones of your kind." Suddenly Frostbite looked Danny in the eye with concern "Did you Great One?"

Danny couldn't reply.

By the heavy look Frostbite was giving him it seemed like there was something deeper to this subject than he was realising. Danny just shook his head.

"Mmm no, the only other Halfas I've ever met were Dani and Vlad" Danny said matter-of-factly. By the look Frostbite was giving him it was obvious he was missing something, some unspoken fact that hung in the air just out of his reach.

Frostbite suddenly broke from his gaze as he huffed while looking to the side "That Plasmius should be ashamed of himself to even dare call himself a Halfa. He may be there biologically but none of his actions reflect on your people" Frostbite said with a tone of bitterness, a tone that was slightly sharper than the bitterness he usually talked with when talking about Vlad.

"Yeah, totally agree, 100% but back to the topic at hand I have a people!?" Danny's brain was trying to understand this new revelation. In a way it answered alot of questions that he had never really thought about. How were the ghosts able to tell he wasn't a full ghost. Why had Pointdexter known to call him a Halfa as if it was a common term. Why ghosts just didn't seem all that surprised about the existence of some weird hybrid. Of course Vlad could've had a part in that but Vlad was always too busy in his cheese castle plotting revenge to really interact with many ghosts outside of hiring them to do his dirty work.

But it also brought up a while slew of new questions. Where had these other Halfas come from? Definitely couldn't be another lab accident caused by his parents. Why wasn't there any information about the existence of ghost human hybrids on earth if there were enough Halfas around to be considered a people, a kind, not just an anomaly that repeated a few times but by the sounds of it some sort of society? And most importantly, where were they!? Danny had never ran into anyone like himself apart from Vlad and Dani.

He looked at Frostbite, trying to pick which question was the most important to ask first. It seemed Frostbite was blissfully unaware of his internal struggle as he just went on.

"Well yes Great One. The Halfas were a strong and prosperous people.... I suppose there isn't really a way for you to know that but I am surprised this is the first you are hearing about this" Frostbite said awkwardly.

Danny probably looked like a fish with how much he was opening and closing his mouth without a word coming out. Finally he managed to say something past his shock.

" 'were'?" Danny asked, his hopes at meeting someone like him suddenly beginning to die.

Frostbite just nodded, avoiding looking at him again as a sorrowful look came upon his face "Yes, Pariah Dark" Frostbite said the name like it was something foul and Danny was inclined to agree "wiped them all out when he sensed they would be a threat to his throne"

Danny almost snorted at that.

Pariah Dark sounded like a character in a tragedy or a myth in that context. In trying to stop Halfas from dethroning him he was indirectly responsible for a Halfa dethroning him. Okay maybe not responsible, Danny would've done it whether the race of people had still been around or not but still the irony was there. So was the karma.

Then he focused on the more depressing part of what Frostbite had said.

"Oh" so there really wasn't anyone else. He shouldn't have gotten his hopes up.

"But!" Frostbite said, a little bit of a cheer coming back to him "the ruins of their old city still stands! Maybe, if you are interested in knowing more, you could visit them? Of course everyone here in the Far Frozen would be more than happy to recount stories of other Halfas to you Great One but our knowledge is limited. Even with our friendship with them, they were always a secretive bunch" Frostbite explained.

Danny didn't really know what to think of the offer. It wouldn't be the same as actually talking to another Halfa but it would still be something, right?

"I'll... think about it" Danny said.

He had gone through too many revelations in too short a time span and he really just wanted to crawl into bed and take a nice long nap, which he could do since it was the weekend.

"Of course Great One. It is entirely up to you what you do" Frostbite said with a smile.

The rest of the visit seemed to fly by but the conversation he had with Frostbite was stuck at the back of his head. He kept on wondering about the other Halfas.

Were they nice? What kind of society did they have? Had they ever been to Earth or did they live exclusively in the Ghost Zone? Why were they as secretive as Frostbite said? Even to their own allies? Why had Pariah felt so threatened by them? Were they really that powerful? What will I find if I go to these ruins?

Even after he left to go back home the thoughts of a people just like him, a people long gone, lingered in his mind.

He was distracted.

He knew Frostbite and the other Yetis had noticed it even if they didn't comment on it but Jazz was alot more proactive about these sort of things. She noticed the far away look Danny had as they were eating dinner and afterwards pulled him off to the side as their parents went back down to work in the lab.

"What's up?" She asked.

"Nothing" Danny mumbled. He didn't know if Jazz would understand his dilemma. Sure he was born human but thinking about the possibility of other Halfas, even if he hadn't been born one, it made his core clench with a need to learn more, to find them

"It's obviously not nothing, you've been distracted ever since you came back from visiting the Far Frozen. What happened?" Jazz asked.

Danny couldn't meet her gaze. He didn't know how to fraze it, to tell her about all the spiraling thoughts in his head, the confusing feelings in his core.

"Danny" Jazz said seriously.

Finally Danny caved and told her about the conversation he had with Frostbite about other Halfas. He told her about his feelings and thoughts on the matter. It was like the dam that had been filling for the last few hours had broken and suddenly Danny was exasperated as he finished recounting everything.

"Other Halfas...." Jazz said thoughtfully.

Danny nodded. For some reason he felt guilty, he felt like he was betraying his family by trying to explore this part of himself.

Jazz, thank the ancients for the observation skills she definitely didn't get from their parents, noticed Danny's dip in mood and quickly went to comfort him.

"Hey, you shouldn't feel bad about this. It makes sense you'd want to find and learn about people who might've gone through similar struggles" Jazz said as she put her hand on Danny's shoulder, a grounding gesture which he was silently thankful for.

"But I feel bad about how if I do learn about this then I'll be keeping more secrets from mom and dad. I already feel terrible lying to them about The accident" Danny shrunk into himself. It's not that he wanted to keep lying to his parents but the perpetual fear of them not accepting him hung over his head heavily and he feared now that if he tried to explore and learn about these people who were like him it would only give his parents more reason to distance him from the family if they found out.

"Danny, look at me" Jazz urged and Danny barely managed to meet her gaze. It was determined and honest, an immovable rock he needed in the swirling river that was his thoughts.

"You don't have to go there if you don't want to but you shouldn't jump to the conclusion that it will only make everything worse. Think about it but don't forget that just as many good things could come from this as bad things" Jazz said and Danny nodded along. That made sense.

"Yeah. I guess the concept just kinda overwhelmed me" Danny said and suddenly he felt emotionally drained all over again.

"Go on, get some rest. Sleep on it but there really isn't a time limit" Jazz encouraged and she was right but Danny felt like if he did want to go then it might be better to do it sooner rather than later.

He crashed onto his bed not really knowing what to think. A few hours ago he was excited by the prospect but now he dreaded what he might find at those ruins, what secrets the Halfas kept hidden away even from those closest to them.

Danny almost laughed at the parallels as he thought about his own secretive situation with his parents. He was in no place to preemptively judge.

Finally he went to sleep.

Dreaming of a lullaby he never heard and a city of people he would never meet.

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First | Previous | Next

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I'll be tagging all content do to with this story with the tag City of splintering hopes so if guys want to you can follow the story easier. You can also use that tag for any questions or content you guys make of the story!

Hope you all like this first chapter!

part 3, "Kid": How every character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood relates to the main character, Nile Freeman

Stop writing people calling Nile "kid" 2k4ever

Andy calls Nile a baby one time, minutes after first dreaming of her. Andy then calls Nile "kid" three times, all to her face, all in the first few hours of their acquaintance. Booker calls Nile "kid" once, on the porch outside the bar. That's it. The context for these lines is super interesting, and calling Nile "kid" in fic doesn’t make any sense without the original context.

When Andy, Joe, Nicky, and Booker wake up from first dreaming of Nile, Joe and Nicky immediately start sharing facts they noticed, and Joe starts sketching. Booker is in his feelings but he contributes a few things to the saying-facts-out-loud rally.

Andy is 100% in her feelings. She starts the conversation with "No, not another one." Then once the boys have gathered a bunch of facts and Booker says "I felt her die" Andy comes in with this:

Andy: [stares at nothing straight ahead, voice is remote, detached.] She’s a Marine. [Joe and Nicky look up together.] Combat. Or near combat duty. Afghanistan. [Shakes her head slowly, wearily.] It’s been over two hundred years. [Whispers, anguished, buries head in hands.] Why now?

Got it. Joe and Nicky are the competent soldiers, Booker is the semi-competent drunk, Andy is the boss. Andy is the fucking depressed boss. It's in this context that Andy, having analyzed the information her direct reports just gave her, made the determination that Nile is a Marine in Afghanistan, and let her team have a brief back-and-forth about whether to change their plan to go retrieve the new one before announcing the decision that is ultimately hers to make, refers to Nile as a baby.

Andy: Get to France. Use the Charlie safe house. I’ll meet you there. [Joe examines his sketch, blows pencil-dust off it. She stares at Booker.] Find Copley. [Joe tears out the page and hands her the sketch. Andy stares at it.] Jesus. She’s just a baby.

Andy's metric fuckton of I AM BEYOND DONE just leaps off the page/screen. Keep that existential exhaustion in mind as we see her early interactions with Nile.

Nile: [stands, panting, regards Andy suspiciously.] Who are you? Andy: I lead a group of immortals. An army, I guess. Soldiers. Fighters like you. [softer tone.] Look... [Andy steps toward her; Nile steps back.] You’ve got questions, kid. I get it. [tiny smile, small nod.] You want answers? Get back in the car.

Andy: [lightly] And I was the one who cut your throat. Right? [stares at Nile, who stares back, then looks away; she has no answer for that.] Listen, kid. You already believe in... [points upward, follows it with her eyes.] You should just keep following that illogic. [Pulls her jacket over her shoulders as a blanket, turns on her right side, back to Nile, lies on the pile of duffel-bags like a reclining chair.] You’re already on board with the supernatural. [Speaks with eyes already closed; it makes no difference to her.] If I were you, I’d get some sleep.

[Nile stands slowly, glaring at Andy, sets her body as she prepares to continue the fight.] Andy: You really want to do this, kid? [Andy’s eyes are bright, her expression relaxed but anticipating; she looks like she thinks this will be fun.]

Andy is looking at this retrieval mission as something that must be done, but quickly and with as little disruption as possible to her team's ongoing mission to find Copley and protect themselves from exposure. And then here comes Nile Freeman, competent as hell, taking no shit, questioning everything, stabbing her and escaping a moving vehicle and just fucking fighting her at every turn.

"Jfc kid will you just get in the goddamn car" feels pretty reasonable in that context, yeah? At least from Andy's perspective. From Nile's, you're fucking right you're gonna ask some goddamn questions before getting on a drug-smuggling plane with someone who just shot you in the head.

It's worth noting that Andy doesn't precisely say "jfc kid will you just get in the goddamn car" — she says "I need you to get back in the car please." She says "can you please not do that again" when Nile fucking stabs her. She's exhausted and frustrated and just trying to get through this and back to her main mission, and from what we see of her so far she's generally gruff as a person, but she's not an asshole, and she’s really showing Nile some respect here, all things considered. I mean, imagine being this polite when someone stabs you. This is a tired adult trying to get another tired adult on board with a sensible plan.

Andy: Argh! [Andy grabs Nile’s knife hand.] Fuck! [throws it violently aside, forcing Nile back a step. With the knife still in her, Andy sighs deeply and looks at Nile. Nile recovers her balance and stares that Andy is hardly reacting to having a knife in her.] Can you please [grabs the knife with left hand, yanks it out] not do that again? [throws the knife on the ground.]

Once they fight on the plane, Andy never calls her kid again. Andy is already starting to regain some of the energy her long life has worn away from her after just 10 minutes on screen with Nile. Andy went into this retrieval determined to be someone Nile can rely on, and that still stands, but by the time they’re in France she’s realizing she’ll come to be able to rely on Nile too. She introduces her to the boys as Nile and that's that.

The only other time we hear the word "kid" in the entire movie is near the end, outside the bar with Booker.

Nile: Yeah. [takes a breath.] Talked to Copley. Said he could fix it. Make it look like I was killed in action. [nods gently to herself] My family will mourn, but, uh... [tiny shrug, head-shake.] ...they’ll be able to move on. It’s just like what we did with my dad. [sighs. Turns to look out over the water. Voice wavers.] I just really want to hear my mom’s voice one more time. Booker: [looks down, pauses, turns to lean next to Nile.] You’re a good kid, Nile. [looks at her, speaks earnestly.] You’re gonna be great for the team.

Sébastien le Livre, whose greatest tragedy is that his children disbelieved and rejected his love for them, would be very moved by Nile's concern and love for her mother. "You're a good kid, Nile," in the sense that she's honoring her parent in a way he, a bereaved parent, appreciates.

There's also the fun shippy reading that he's preemptively friend-zoning her because there's about to be several lifetimes between him and spending any more time with this woman he was having an obvious "oh no she's hot" reaction to over dinner in Goussainville, but I, a feral BoN shipper, like the first reading even better.

But the point is, calling Nile "kid" is an element of the movie that says a lot about the characters using that word. When it gets repeated in fanfiction, it says something about the author.

If you're reading this and reflecting "oh shit I wrote the team calling Nile kid without thinking about it at all beneath the surface" I have a really cool suggestion for you: just edit it. Or at least consider not doing it again. We all make mistakes. We all run with things that we pick up in canon or see in other people's fic that seem funny and harmless, and once we think about those things more deeply we might find that actually it's kinda fucked up, or not what canon was trying to say, or fine on the surface but not fine if it becomes The One True Fanon. Having characters who are either white, men, or both call the adult protagonist who's a young Black woman "kid" all the time carries a weight to it. Please let's let that weight fall off Nile's fully-grown shoulders.

Next up, orders, suggestions, assistance, and other flavors of mentoring Nile and/or telling her what to do. Credit and appreciation to StarWatcher for transcribing the movie here on AO3, all my line quotes are pulled from there.