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eleanorfenyxwrites · 1 year

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Random Idea junk drawer

So I had a great time doing my Wangxian-centric Breath of the Wild AU last year, and when I finished it I definitely left the epilogue open-ended enough to do more Zelda AU’s/Fusions in the future (I still don’t REALLY know how big the difference is between AU’s and Fusions and which one my other-content-inspired stuff usually counts as but I DIGRESS) because here’s the thing. The Thing(TM). Zelda games are my JAM. They were baby’s first special interest. Literally.

When I was 7 years old my parents bought a GameCube and a game disk that had 4 remastered Classic Zelda games on it (two 2D, two 3D) as well as a 20-minute playable demo for Wind Waker, with three different starting locations to choose from that you could play as many times as you wanted. And you bet my little 7-year-old ass played every bit of it that was within my skill level (which was not much lol), until I got my next Zelda game at 10 (that was Twilight Princess, and it was the first Zelda game I ever finished). I have the Wii walkthrough book for Twilight Princess that I bought used online and it reeked of cigarettes for months after I got it. I chose a screenshot of one of the characters out of it to paint on one of those horrible school industrial ceiling tiles in my 8th grade art class (sadly the photo of it is lost on an old dead phone, but it was really good, I mixed up all my own custom colors of paint and everything which was like. Impressive for 13 year old me :( ). I have and treasure the Hyrule Historia book. I had shitty ill-fitting graphic tees that said things like ‘Good things come to those who break clay pots’ (really funny to me now that I’m a ceramicist and could easily make pots for myself for the purpose of smashing if I were so inclined [I’m totally gonna]). I have massive Zelda tattoos on the insides of both forearms and I’m planning more so that I’ll hopefully end up with two Zelda half-sleeves. Like ZELDA IS MY THING. WHY I’m not writing more Zelda AU’s and playing around in my expanded sandbox of hyperfixations, I have no idea.

But anyway, I’ve started playing Ocarina of Time again, I have no idea how many times I’ve played it at this point within the last 19 years, and I’ve done it on every Nintendo console possible (except, ironically, the N64 as it was originally made for). So obviously I’m playing along and getting lost in the story because it’s a fuckin good story, as one does, and I was like ‘hey what if Wangxian tho’ and thus. Today’s junk drawer was born. Have I already started an outline of the fic plot points as well? Yes. Did I have to stop myself 800 words in and say that no I can’t just write out the entire plot tonight and no it can’t all go into this junk drawer post because I should actually just write the damn thing instead? Yeah. When will that happen? I don’t wanna think about it, so let’s just have fun talking characters and locations and their implications, shall we?

I’m going to post my notes completely unedited and let y’all see the whole ugly process, and I’m gonna put it below the cut because this is already long enough to scroll past but all I’ve done is gush about Zelda and in doing so further cement my well-established status as a huge fuckin nerd lol:

Jiangs/Lotus Pier as Kokiri Forest -- Deku Tree is Jiang Fengmian (Does this make Madam Yu the giant nasty spider inside????? ew)

- Wei Wuxian -- taken into LP/Kokiri Forest as a young child, young enough to fit in with the other children, but he'll soon be old enough for everyone to know that he isn't one of the lake/river children, he's from Elsewhere. - Jiang Cheng as Mido, small and angry and won't let anyone see JFM/YZY without really fucking good reason but also takes the leadership role in LP/Kokiri Forest once JFM/Deku Tree is dead - Jiang Yanli as Saria, gentle and sweet and fond of music and wandering through the woods that keep their lake hidden from the rest of the world. She'll awaken as a Sage in WWX's adulthood.

Cloud Recesses as Hyrule Castle, Lans are the Royal Family and Sheikah combined

- Lan Qiren as the king of Hyrule, though as the second brother he's supposed to be leading the Sheikah, not sitting on the throne - Lan Xichen (already in his 20's) as Impa. He'll awaken as a Sage in WWX's adulthood. Although he's supposed to be in line for the throne, someone has to be the leader of the Sheikah since LQR can't be, which leaves: - Lan Zhan as Princess Zelda -- plagued by dreams and visions of evil coming to take over the world, but no one takes him seriously because he's still so young. People also forget that in the line of succession he's supposed to be the one protecting the royal family as the next leader of the Sheikah, so it's actually his destiny to have these visions, not to be a politician. He sees in Wei Wuxian someone who's willing to break the rules and society's expectations to be the true hero he's been dreaming about. He'll take up the extremely active role of Wangji/Sheik as an adult, having learnt the Sheikah secrets under Lan Xichen's tutelage and taken up his rightful place as one of them since his escape from the palace as a child.

Kakariko Village -- inhabited by average people (akin to Caiyi town, close with the royal Lan family but not directly cultivators?)

Nies as Gorons in Death Mountain/Goron City/Nie Fortress

- Nie Mingjue as Darunia -- hot-tempered and built like the mountain, willing to swear brotherhood with the boy who came to save his people. He'll awaken as a Sage in WWX's adulthood. (NHS as the snot-nosed kid who hero-worships WWX in adulthood? lol)

Jins/Jinlintai as Zora's Domain -- The Zora are a proud people who live high above the rest of Hyrule at the top of their waterfall (tower). (Golden Carp Tower has a lot of water motifs and they decorate things in teal and gold like the zora do too)

- Jin Guangshan as King Zora - Jin Zixuan as Princess Ruto, eaten by their deity god (who is still a giant fuckin fish, I dunno what else he could be lol) and who thinks he has to be engaged to WWX after giving him the Sapphire (maybe because he was told from a young age he'd have to get engaged to one of the lake children anyway and just didn't know who/hint at unrealized Xuanli?) He'll awaken as a Sage in WWX's adulthood. - Jin Guangyao as (????? :( :( :( where will my boy go?? I need my boy for emotional support)

Wen Ruohan as Ganondorf -- a cruel king wreathed in shadow and flame....I mean it writes itself lol

- Baoshan Sanren as Rauru, the Sage of Light -- withdrew from the mortal world an unknowable amount of time ago to protect the Sacred Realm and has watched over WWX these last seven years as he slept. - Jiang Yanli as Saria, the Sage of Forest -- she awakens into her powers to protect her childhood friend/brother(s), though this will mean having to leave Jiang Cheng on his own in Lotus Pier - Nie Mingjue as Darunia, the Sage of Fire -- he awakens as a sage to honor the Brotherhood oath he swore with WWX in the past - Jin Zixuan as Princess Ruto, the Sage of Water -- he 'dumps' WWX because he has to do the more important work of stopping the apocalypse, try to contain your disappointment WWX, you can still be coworkers and save the world or whatever, if you even care. - Lan Xichen as Impa, the Sage of Shadow -- Lan Xichen must leave the mortal world behind to take up his mantle as the Sage of Shadow, leaving Lan Wangji to carry his worldly responsibilities instead (sort of half-retreating into seclusion like canon) - Wen Qing as Nabooru, the Sage of Spirit -- Wen Qing is the leader of the all-female band of Gerudo thieves who in no way endorse Wen Ruohan's domination of the world. When she leaves to take up her role as the Sage of Spirit, she leaves her cousin Wen Yun (my OC Madam Lan) to lead the Gerudo in her stead. (need to find a role for Wen Ning? Except zelda lore is that only one man is born to the Gerudo at a time every hundred years and he’s always their king. Maybe WN is meant to be the new one but WRH has reached immortality/won’t die and let him succeed him?)

Plot would follow Ocarina of Time fairly closely (Unlike my BOTW AU where I tried to make it...relatively more like canon??) because there's a very definite plot there, while BOTW is so much more fluid it was easier to adapt to something else.

#the untamed fanfic #wangxian #random idea junk drawer #so called because all these ideas rattle around in my head like pens and shit in a junk drawer #not because i think my ideas are junk #Ocarina of Time AU #no title for this baby yet but 'quqin of time' or 'dizi of time' just don't have the same flow ya know?#Oh also adult LWJ (in the role of Sheik) 100% uses his spiritual guqin to play music instead of Sheik's lapharp #and WWX uses chenqing instead of an ocarina #but chenqing isn't made of resentment she's just a spiritual tool

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jaimebluesq · 2 years

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Do you take requests? Would love a h/c fic with NHS and NIe Zonghui, either gen or preslash. Even better if its injured!NHS during Sunshot.

Or a NHS/Gu Yu fic. Reincarnation? Does he remember his old life and Dage, JC?I’ve only found one and the idea is charming.

Are you on ao3? I think I’ve read some of your CQL fics before there.

Best wishes!

I love taking requests! I'm working on a lot of longer fics at the moment, which is fun in the long run, but leaves me feeling un-productive because I haven't FINISHED anything (so I also don't get that “oooh, comments!!!” dopamine shot and go into withdrawal), so shorter prompts are always a welcome change of pace :D

I think I'll tackle NHS & NZH this time, though I'm going to save the Hikaru No Go crossover for future use (and omg I just had an image of Chu Ying maybe having been alive playing Go back during cultivation days!!!!! Maybe he met NHS, maybe even played with him and definitely Lan Qiren, and when Shi Guang meets Gu Yu, Chu Ying finds he looks familiar, says something that Shi Guang repeats, and that's what kick starts Gu Yu's past life memories!!!! or something lol).

And I'm definitely on AO3 – you can find me there as JaimeBlue and feel free to read and comment on anything you like! I write both Gen and ship-type stuff and am a multi-shipper (and yeah, I'm the weirdo shipping NHS with Jin Zixun), so hopefully there's a little something there for everyone.

Now, on with the fic! (Will also post to AO3 when I finally think of a title lol).

~ ~ ~

Nie Zonghui's heart beat madly in his chest as he flicked the reins of his horse. He had left the sounds of battle behind but he couldn't be certain he wasn't being followed. H didn't want to take the risk, but he needed to stop if only for a few short minutes...

There was a pained whimper from the young man between his arms, who was only just conscious enough to keep himself from sliding off the horse's back, one of his hands loosely holding onto Nie Zonghui's leather bracer. Nie Zonghui decisively led his horse off the beaten path and into a copse of trees that was hopefully far enough from the path that they wouldn't be spotted by anyone passing through. They stopped and he listened for several moments, and only when he could hear no other sounds than the occasional birdsong did his heart begin to slow. He patted his mount's neck in thanks before placing his hands on his charge's shoulders.

“Huaisang?” The boy's eyes opened but were hazy and unfocused. Nie Zonghui felt along an arm whose sleeve was soaked through with blood, more so than when they'd left the battle behind. He carefully dismounted and reached up to take Nie Huaisang into his arms, lowering the boy to the ground and ripping the sleeve off of his robes to better access the injury beneath.

The wound was deep and charred at the surface, the result of a Wen blade whose heat cauterized half the wound as it had sliced into Nie Huaisang's arm, ironically saving the young man from bleeding out too soon. He tried to ignore how he could see what appeared to be bone through the blood and parted muscle, a sight that he'd seen far too often during the course of the war but that still made him feel ill. He focused on tearing up the sleeve in his hands, making strips of fabric that he began tying around Nie Huaisang's arm to keep the skin together and hopefully prompt the deeper part of the wound to stop bleeding, and a final one to place extra tightly above the wound to minimize the flow of blood. Only once he was assured that he'd done all he could for the physical wound did he look into Nie Huaisang's face, which was far too pale and sallow.

His jaw tightened as he pushed back the flow of emotions crawling within him. There would be time enough for those thoughts later when they were safe.

“A-Sang?” Nie Huaisang's eyes blinked, but otherwise didn't react. “I've got you, I won't let anything else happen to you.”

He didn't know if Nie Huaisang had actually heard any of his words, but they made him feel better, at least a little.

He somehow managed to get his charge back on the horse and lifted himself up into the saddle behind him, cradling him between his arms once again as he set the mount to galloping. They were somewhere near Lanling, having been travelling from Qinghe to Gusu with a small but well-armed escort, and he tried to remember his maps for what towns or cities were nearby. He immediately discounted several small villages – they would be strangers and would stand out too much in lesser populated areas, and there was no telling whether the Wen might have spies there – but he remembered a mid-sized city that was within a few hours' ride. He looked at Nie Huaisang and prayed to the heavens that he would make it that far.

He tried not to think of the other soldiers that had come with them, who he'd left behind to fight the Wen scouting party that had looked surprised to run into a group of Nie riders (who had been just as surprised to run into them), but who had still taken advantage of the opportunity to attack them. He hoped the Wen still didn't know the purpose of the Nie presence in the area, who they'd been escorting... Nie Zonghui sent another prayer for his comrades; hopefully they had proven victorious and he would eventually meet up with them in Cloud Recesses.

The sun had half-set by the time they reached the city. Nie Huaisang was growing worryingly cold in his arms and he needed to find a safe place to stay and a doctor to look at the boy's wound. He did quick mental calculations before directing his horse toward the area where they were most likely to find boarding by people accustomed to discretion.

They passed by several potential buildings before finding one that satisfied Nie Zonghui. They rode to the back where a small informal door stood, and he carefully dismounted to knock on it. A beautiful woman in expensive rose-coloured silk robes, parted at the neck just enough to be considered indecent, answered the door and looked at him curiously.

“Welcome, gongzi. We are always happy to see clients, but not often do men come to our back entrance.”

He ignored the flirtatious way she had spoken and bent into a proper bow. “Guniang, we have no need for your house's 'services', merely a room to stay with no questions asked, and a doctor to look after my companion.”

The horse made a small grunt, attracting the woman's attention. She looked to Nie Huaisang's barely conscious body then back to Nie Zonghui, her eyes momentarily focusing on the blades slung on his back. “You're cultivators.”

He stood upright and nodded, waiting to see if she would help them or sell them out. He'd bypassed several other brothels, deeming them poor enough to be willing to sell out well-paying clients for a higher fee. This one had appeared of a higher class, perhaps accustomed enough to rich clients that they had no inclination to turn them in to a higher bidder. He hoped he was right.

She leaned back into the building for a moment. “Have the Pearl Room prepared, and send someone to bring Hu Zihan,” she said to another woman inside before turning back to Nie Zonghui. “Get your friend and come inside. We'll have someone take care of your horse.”

Minutes later, he was laying Nie Huaisang down on a soft bed. His charge had stopped whimpering over an hour ago and Nie Zonghui had been trying not to worry, but seeing him on the pale bedsheets, his skin looked worse than ever. A woman dressed in lavender covered Nie Huaisang with a warm blanket and Nie Zonghui sat on the mattress next to him, brushing the hair out of his eyes.

There was a knock at the door and a serious-faced woman entered with a bag in her hand. The lavender woman greeted her immediately and escorted her to the bedside. “This is Hu Zihan. She mostly serves as a midwife, but also helps us with other serious matters.”

“Give me room to work,” Hu Zihan muttered, waving Nie Zonghui off the mattress; he rose up with great reluctance. “What happened?”

“He took a sword to the arm.”

“This is not the work of a regular sword,” she accused, prodding the blackened and puckered flesh beneath the makeshift wrappings. “Fucking Wen.”

For the first time since leaving the battle, Nie Zonghui's shoulders began to relax.

“Many of our clients are cultivators,” the lavender woman explained at his side, “and one of our sisters was saved from a yao a few years ago. The Jin receive most of our requests these days, but we used to have a local sect...”

“Let me guess,” he replied, “they were absorbed into the Wen.” She nodded.

“I thought your kind were supposed to handle injuries better than this.” Hu Zihan had her fingers pressed against Nie Huaisang's wrist. “I'm barely getting any sign of those golden cores you develop.”

“His cultivation level is very low.” Despite the circumstances, he couldn't help a small, fond smile. “He's not a fighter. He was born into the sect, and trains reluctantly.”

The lavender woman placed a comforting hand on his arm. “He'll be fine.”

“He will,” Hu Zihan affirmed with a professional nod. “I'll need to sew his arm up, and he's lost a lot of blood. He will need to rest for several weeks, though it's hard to tell how long without knowing how much help his golden core will be. But he will live.”

Could they afford to remain here several weeks when they were expected in Cloud Recesses? Could he take the risk of sending word to Qinghe to let Nie Mingjue know they were safe? What if the Wen realized where they were headed and somehow managed to track them here? He thought to the money he had in his pocket, entrusted to him by Nie Mingjue for expenses along their journey, and wondered if there was even enough to stay in the brothel for as long as Nie Huaisang needed to heal.

“Is there something I can call you, gongzi?” the lavender woman asked.

“You can just call me Zonghui.”

She nodded. “While Hu-guniang works, could I borrow you for a few minutes? I thought it would be a good idea to bring a copper bathtub into the room should your friend wish to wash later, but it's far too heavy for me to lift.”

Though he was reluctant to leave Nie Huaisang's side, he already felt nauseous at the thought of watching the healer sewing flesh back together, and so he agreed to the request. He followed the lavender woman to the kitchens and was not just enlisted into moving the bathtub, but several other items from firewood to crates of wine bottles, helping wherever a woman asked for a pair of strong arms. It helped to keep his mind off of everything that had happened that day and he was thankful for the work.

He also had to fend off several flirtatious offers. He made it very clear immediately that he had no interest in such things; after that, they continued to flirt but thankfully in a more teasing manner.

Finally, he was brought back into the Pearl Room in time to watch Hu Zihan closing up her bag. Nie Huaisang was snoring lightly but his colour was already slightly better than when they had first arrived. She gave him a few instructions to follow as well as a satchel of herbs and a pot of cream, and told him to have her brought back if there was any turn for the worse. He thanked Hu Zihan as she left, offering his services to repay the great favour she had done him. She shook her head, patting his chest and casually saying she'd send him a request for help should she run into a ghost or a fierce corpse.

The only woman left in the room was the lavender woman. Nie Zonghui pulled the money pouch from his robes and began handing it to her. “I don't know if this will be enough to cover our stay, but we can compensate for any further debt. Our sect can more than pay whatever we require.”

She pushed the pouch back towards him. “We will keep a tally of expenses and give you a bill afterwards to take to your sect leader. For now, all you need to worry about is your friend. We'll have some food and tea brought in for you, but you should rest as well. Would you like a second bed brought in?”

He almost said yes, worried his presence would disrupt Nie Huaisang's healing sleep, but had a nightmarish vision of a group of Wen bursting into the room and reaching Nie Huaisang before Nie Zonghui was even aware of what was happening. He shook his head. “I would prefer to guard his sleep.”

She nodded and wished him a good rest.

In all honesty, he was exhausted after the long day. As he lay down next to Nie Huaisang, feeling the warmth at his side, hearing the soft, sleepy snuffles that reassured him that the young man was alive and safe, he was finally able to close his eyes... and fell immediately to sleep.

~ ~ ~

“Zonghui?”

He startled awake upon hearing his name. Judging by the light coming through the window, the sun was only just beginning to rise. He turned his head at the feel of a familiar hand on his arm, shaking him gently.

“I'm sorry to wake you, but I don't know where we are and I need to go.”

Nie Zonghui nodded and stood up. When he saw that Nie Huaisang was having difficulty moving without disturbing his injured arm, he reached out to help him to first sit up, then stand. He waved to the corner of the room where a screen had been set up, then crossed his arms as he waited for his charge to be out of sight.

“We're in a town just outside Lanling,” he explained. “In a brothel. They hate the Wen as much as we do so they'll keep our presence here secret.”

“How did we get here?” Nie Huaisang asked from the other side of the screen, tell-tale tinkling sounds accompanying his words.

“We rode. You were hurt when we ran into the scouting group and they attacked. I got you out of there before they could realize who you were and why we were escorting you.”

“And the others?”

His lips tightened. “They were still fighting when we left. They know our destination and should head for Cloud Recesses; we'll meet them there.” If they survived.

He didn't know if the moment of silence on the other side of the screen was a bad sign. Nie Zonghui would never regret the choice he had made – he'd made a promise to his sect leader, and to himself, to protect Nie Huaisang with his life if need be – but he also knew Nie Huaisang and knew he might not see things the same way.

“Zonghui? Can you... help? Please?”

He stepped around the screen to see that Nie Huaisang had removed his outer robes and his pants hung loosely on his hips, held up by his good hand. He shamefully looked at Nie Zonghui as he tried to tug his pants up higher. Nie Zonghui did his best to look professional as he approached the half-naked young man, trying to keep his eyes on the task before him of helping his charge get redressed. He took the little thrill he felt at seeing Nie Huaisang thus undressed and pushed it far to the back of his mind, with all of the other thoughts and feelings the past day had forced on him, to be managed at a more convenient time.

If nothing else, years of working in Qinghe Nie had made him excellent at compartmentalization. He had yet to decide whether it was for good or ill, it simply was.

He was very careful when sliding Nie Huaisang's robes over his injured arm and couldn't help noticing how he winced upon seeing the torn sleeve. Then Nie Huaisang's eyes seemed to take on a mischievous gleam as he looked innocently up at Nie Zonghui.

“Did you cut my sleeve, Zonghui?”

“You're a menace, Nie-er-gongzi,” he accused, but his heart felt lighter. If Nie Huaisang was in a teasing mood, then he was doing much better than when they'd first arrived at the brothel. “How does it feel?”

“It hurts,” Nie Huaisang replied in a familiar plaintive tone. “And I feel a little fuzzy.”

“The healer gave you some herbs last night, and left a few for you to take today. It's probably helping with the pain.” He finished tying up Nie Huaisang's robes and helped to lead him back to the bed.

Once Nie Huaisang was once again comfortably placed on the bed, Nie Zonghui turned, intending to go find one of the courtesans to ask if there had been any other visitors in the night searching for them, but was stopped by a hand on his wrist. Nie Huaisang tugged gently, and Nie Zonghui had very little resistance left in him.

“Please? I don't want to be alone.” Nie Zonghui nodded and lay down next to him, and the next thing he knew, he had his arms full of the other man, Nie Huaisang's good arm wrapping around his waist. “Thank you for saving me,” he whispered, sounding more serious than Nie Zonghui had ever heard him.

“I would protect you with my life,” he replied softly, resting his chin on Nie Huaisang's head and closing his eyes. He could smell soap and a trace of the incense Nie Huaisang liked to use, but there was blood and the scent of burned skin as well. His mind unwillingly filled with memories of the battlefield, of the Wen sending fireballs to startle their Nie riders' horses and send the riders falling to the ground. He remembered pulling his twin sabers and fighting the moment the Wen were within reach, stopping when he heard a cry behind him, panicking upon realizing the voice had belonged to Nie Huaisang, leaping to stop an attacker's second swing from doing further damage, holding Nie Huaisang in his arms as he whistled for the nearest horse to stop...

He felt his arms shake; it wasn't until he heard Nie Huaisang murmuring comforting words that he realized he was the one shaking.

“It's all right, Zonghui, we're here and we're safe.” Nie Huaisang seemed to burrow deeper into his arms, and he wrapped them tighter around him. “And we're together. There's no safer place in the world.”

Nie Zonghui began to get control of his shaking and began stuffing the thoughts and feelings to the back of his mind once again, but one kept returning to him, reluctant to be shoved aside. If he'd died, I don't know what I'd do. I would rather die bringing him to safety than to live without him.

That thought too joined the others in its tiny little box where it would wait to be opened and examined.

Some day. But not today.

#nie zonghui #nie huaisang #hurt/comfort #sunshot era #injured nhs #worried nzh #pre-slash

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sienna-writes · 3 years

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On the Border of Blinking | intro

[ for some reason i structured this post like a breakup. sorry about that. all photos are my own. ]

goodbye, old fren;

I recently finished my first poetry anthology, ‘the anatomy of iridescence’ that was basically all the surrealist poetry I had prolifically written throughout 2020. I am very proud of it and it essentially reads like an indie movie. ie: a series of images with minimal narrative. But it leans into horror and is centrally focused on anatomy, body horror and visceral imagery to describe both real and imagined experiences. In terms of themes it covers death, mental illness, and abuse frequently and I suppose the vagueness and intangibility of many images and poems represents the confusion I was feeling in relation to all these experiences. Essentially I'm saying all this to justify the fact that this is an incredibly messy anthology. I haven’t talked about it much on here because it’s deeply personal and deeply unpublishable lol. A lot of the feedback from magazine submissions has been to add more narrative into the poems and while that’s definitely very valid, helpful advice I really don’t want to alter these poems as they’re intended to be raw and confused.

a new beginning !

anywho, introducing anthology dos. On the Border of Blinking is about transience, fleeting feelings and moments, passing conversations, sight as an intrusion, living in the present - moment to moment - blink to blink. It’s more focused already than my previous anthology, and I decided to change my poetry style and voice for it. and have been loving it. It is less physical. More emotional, with stronger narratives and a more introspective voice. I want to play around with form even more and craft a stronger through line in this anthology and can’t wait to get further into it! I have so many ideas and poetry is my absolute favourite form to write in because I can do it even when college is taking up a lot of my time.

I started writing in January and have been gradually adding to it. Here’s my progress so far!

word count; 4466

page numbers; 34

poem titles;

Tag yourself, I’m the lion playing sheep

I love these titles so much and am incredibly happy with most of the actual poems behind them. Hands is absolutely my least favourite right now and needs some work. It was a good concept but it feels all wrong and I’ll probably scrap and rewrite it entirely.

I’m aiming to include 30 poems in this collection, but that depends how long they end up being I think. I want it to be focused and not overloaded.

writing process;

In my previous anthology I wrote a poem called “blood-gummed laces” which intrigued me as it was a real shift from the style and form I had settled into. As I finished up the final poem of the collection I decided my next one would be written in a similar way. It has been so, so fun to blend aspects of my old poetry voice with this new one. I still love how I was writing, but it’s lovely to be experimenting and to change it up a little. It has also been hugely benefitting my prose to be writing more subtly, so that’s a nice bonus. [ don’t get me wrong I still absolutely love very graphic, slightly horrifying images, but that’s not the vibe of this collection. I am enjoying the relief of the subtle, fragile, quiet style. ]

Starting a new project is like getting a new haircut lol. It’s objectively a small change to one part of you, but it feels like you're an entirely new person. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I feel creatively fulfilled, it’s nice to be semi-free from writers block and that i really needed a fresh start so it feels good to have one. I’ve even began to think in poetry again, yay! [ i don’t intend that to be pretentious lmao, it’s just sometimes when things are happening i just automatically translate it into poetry. ]

I think so far “Safe, like a liar” and “In the mute quiet” are my absolute favourites and I have been determined to get them published. Hopefully someone will like them as much as I do some time soon! :”) “Safe, like a liar” was my first attempt at a prose poem and about the security we find in avoiding challenging topics with partners, friends, family, anyone. I love the subtlety of it and the little details you get to add in this form. “In the mute quiet” is about snow as a representation of the muffling, silencing, numbing feeling of grief. These are both poems that make me feel very emotional lol, in all sorts of ways.

I would love to share some extracts but am currently submitting a lot of these in various places, so I can’t right now!

conclusion;

I'm very excited :) and hope my rambling was at least vaguely enjoyable :"))

tag list (ask to be added/removed);

@alicewestwater @elaz-ivero @coffeeandcalligraphy @hanwatchingmovies @chloeswords @nev-953 @justahufflepuffnerd @writerschronicles @august-iswriting @jennawritesstories @jaydewritesfiction @avakrahn

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ddarker-dreams · 3 years

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dropping by to tell u that ur my favoritest yan fic writer out there and your yan genshin updates give me life MUAH

thank you so much nonnie!!!! 😘😘😘 i appreciate you!!! i’ve absolutely loved writing for genshin, so i’m glad that the community is thriving with so much content aaaa ❤️ warms my heart...

anon 2 asked: I’m not sure if this has been asked before or not, but have you read/watched Togashi’s other work Yu Yu Hakusho? If you haven’t, I think you’d definitely like Kurama.

i have heard of it but i haven’t watched it before! i looked up the design for kurama and wow... he is a very pretty boy. he has these mysterious vibes that makes me think i would like him. if i ever get around to watching it i’ll keep an eye out for this boy 👀

anon 3 asked: If you don't mind me asking, what other games do you play besides genshin?

my cycle of playing games is kind of messed up by genshin right now since that’s the main game i play whenever i get hit with Gamer Urge. however, the games ive enjoyed the most recently other than that would be divinity original sin 2, darkest dungeon, pokémon, animal crossing, and fire emblem!

anon 4 said: it's nice to see a fellow hu tao simp! i was so excited to see you make a yandere hu tao x reader,, i rarely see any x reader content of her so i just silently suffer most of the time 💔 ty for feeding us hu tao simps good food op i will be reading that story religiously everyday 🛐

we need more hu tao in this world, i fully agree. every time i see her i just can’t help but smoke... i think it’s the super cute hair. long pigtails 🥺 ANYWAYS you have god tier taste anon. i trust anyone that loves hu tao.

anon 5 said: i am going to kiss u on the forehead as gently as i can,,, that hu tao fic was absolutely delicious❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

THANK YOU NONNIE!!! i was worried at first over how much macabre hu tao typical dialogue to incorporate into a fanfic, but i ended up content with the balance. she can be soft when she wants to, after all. i’m happy that you enjoyed it!

anon 6 said: You posted the harem HCs right after I finished work and it was such a treat to read. I love them. I know you obviously didn't write them for me in mind but thank you for brightening up my day!

PHEW what good timing!! i end up working on my writing on and off throughout the day and finishing it around the time people (in american) time zones would be getting home. i’m glad that you were able to enjoy the headcanons after a day of work!!

anon 7 said: I loved the Liyue reverse harem, how can you be such a good write???Xiao being a puppy is actually cute and I love this concept

i was looking forward to including vigilant xiao watching over his crush the most 😭 it’s just an adorable sight to picture. he’s such an intimidating figure, it can’t help but melt your heart that he’s there to ensure you’re always safe. the main trick is writing the most self indulgent stuff, anon. that is what produces the best you have to offer because you’re having such a good time writing it.

anon 8 said: akfhdsh Lock why was that Zhongli fic so hot🔥?? Ahh I haven't been able to get it out of my head ALL day & 5000 words? You are superb 😍 I can't help but feel so sorry for poor darling. Having to do that with him on the very first night, man didn't even give her a break/a chance to settle down. Either way I'd love for you to throw some concepts here & there if you can 👉👈 or share your afterthoughts ^_^ the universe in this one felt especially great! I wish you the best of luck, take care <3

it’s all because of the random zhongli dream anon 😭 i couldn’t get him out of my mind until i wrote a loooong fic for him. the idea of his darling being with him since the archon war days is my favorite! i’ve always had a soft spot for it, ever since i was trying to figure out what a yandere zhongli might look like back in november. it’s just... genuinely horrifying to imagine being stuck with that for thousands of years. especially when people view rex lapis so highly in liyue, darling feels even more alone on her festering feelings. there’s no relief to be had.

i think i’ll do a big ol headcanon post because the world for yan zhongli and his god darling is so big, i’ve given it a Lot of thought. but the main gist of it is how darling deals with the inaccurate portrayal of their history together. and of course, she interacts with others, since zhongli has the reassurance from the contract that she won’t try to escape. so there’s a lot of angst there. 😭

anon 9 asked: Hey! any plans for more Hu tao content in the future? your last story was just really gooood, she's such an interesting character! I've also been hooked to Rosaria and I'm wondering if you plan to write for her aswell... hopefully no one asked this already lol

i’d love to write more for hu tao!! she is a character that i adore a lot. currently, i don’t have any ideas for her that would get me going, but once i see one or get hit with inspiration she’ll make a reappearance. i do have a few hu tao requests so hopefully those will help inspire me. AND ROSARIA... 🥺 WHAT A WOMAN. i want to learn more about her!! i’ll write for her when her stories and voice lines are all out, that way the characterization is more accurate. she captured my heart with that distant attitude and those listless eyes 🥰🥰

anon 10 said: hi hi!! i just wanted to say i discovered genshin impact bcs of you! i saw your yandere genshin posts back in november, i didn't know anything abt genshin or their world but i read it and just googled their names to know their appearances lmfao and until then i just fell into a rabbit hole of genshin. i eventually grew tired of not knowing anything abt genshin and its lore so i craved around early january and downloaded the game despite me not rlly being a gamer™ and now i'm here at ar 51, a hu tao main and no, i haven't touched grass since downloading the game 😭

ah yes, welcome anon, to what could be considered heaven or help depending. if you were able to get hu tao then i’d say you’re in the latter camp (aside from having to grind for her ascension materials, that is pure suffering). it’s a fun game to get into during this quarantine/spotty lockdown time, so i hope you’ll enjoy your time with it! i’m glad that mihoyo releases content often enough to keep us well fed.

anon 11 asked: Lock dearest, have you ever watched Jujutsu Kaisen?

i like that super cute girl with short finger hair!! i’m planning on watching the show when it’s completed, which i think is soon? ill binge watch it. i’ve recognized a lot of my favorite voice actors from the clips i’ve seen posted, so i’m excited to give it a shot.

anon 12 asked: You watch Demon Slayer? It's really great 🤯

i’ve seen clips of the amazing animation before! it’s currently on my list of shows to watch. 👀👀

#sweet asks #lock lore #answered #Anonymous

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fuckingrealityshifting · 3 years

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1// hi there, before you get too far, I want to say that I am trying to say this with all the kindness in my heart, and that I do, truly care for yall, and this is why im typing this now. I stumbled across your blog via your 'shifting terms' post, and I explored the idea of shifting and the shiftblr community a bit. I read all of your sources (although I don’t really believe most of them are credible enough) ((it could just be the uni student in me tho)) and I can't help but worry for you and

2// the shifting community. As I understand, most of you are still quite young, and while I haven’t tried to shift (I have a deep paranoia of developing a psychotic disorder), I fear that this practice could affect the young minds in this community in an unprecedented way. I am /not/ saying that any of you are delusional, im not saying its fake, im not saying i dont believe you. But many of you have mentioned how shifting is a) not dangerous and b) similar to astral projecting.

3// This is where I begin to worry, in my understanding, astral projecting is VERY dangerous, so if what you are doing is similar i dont believe it is a good idea. Especially for young people. Adolescent brains are very prone to mental illness, and I fear by placing yourselves in this situation you could eventually damage your mind. I dont mean to preach or anything, i just know a lot of you are young and i think you should be aware of the dangers of what you are doing,

4// because it could affect you in the long run. But stay safe, watch over each other and i wish yall the best. (ps. im sorry this was long)

/////end of ask

Okay so I just wanted to first say it would be okay if you didn’t believe or thought I was mentally ill and stated such! An ask like this is useful because it can start an actual conversation; I have concerns besides just disbelief to go off. Astral projection, being young, etc. I thank you for that and for leaving asks.

I don’t want people to think it’s not okay to be open about not believing. I know with the whole rating stuff rather than responding to comments it might seem like that, but I’m just going to brush off what doesn’t have a purpose other than bringing people down because there’s no point in repeating myself.

If it’s clearly meant to be sarcastic or has a punchline or comment for the sake of being rude or feeling like you’re superior (“get a hobby”) then I’m just not gonna humor you. I’m not intending to shut down all concerns at all.

About the sources—yeah, I do agree, a lot of the sources aren’t very credible, I totally acknowledge that. I also acknowledge even if they were all done by very credible sources the findings wouldn’t be absolutely decisive.

That’s kind of the fault of a lack of experimentation in scientific/professional spaces regarding anything spiritual and just the nature of spirituality itself. At the end of the day it’s mainly the suggestion of the findings that are important to spiritual people looking for evidence. I’m not sure if I worded that all coherently lol

I’m gonna answer these two points in reverse

Shifting is b.) similar to astral projection

So when I say similar to astral projection, I mean mainly in the fact you are perceiving stuff outside of your body and projecting. It’s a similar concept, and a bit of a similar practice, but not entirely.

With shifting, you are projecting your consciousness, and with astral projection, you are projecting your astral self/soul.

(I haven’t researched as much into the specifics of astral projection as I have for shifting so feel free to correct me! My understanding of astral projection is that your soul/astral self projects from your body to wander the astral realm.)

I’m gonna copy and paste some stuff I said in a dm message to someone who had a similar concern.

When a person shifts, their soul remains in their body. Your consciousness/awareness of reality is what is in another universe. When a person asteral projects, their soul leaves their body and can travel different realms of the universe.

When a person astral projects, they can come across spirits, deities, and harmful entities. They can take damage to the soul. They can change their astral form. Astral projection is dangerous. It is highly recommended not to astral project without protection.

When a person shifts, they are in a normal reality and do not need protection. Protection doesn’t hurt, as it doesn’t hurt to have protection in this reality, but its not necessary. (Precautions should always be taken.)

If they die in their desired reality, their soul is fine so they just come back. There is no danger of death. Your consciousness or alternate self (“clone”) can also go about your day while you are shifted which I have never heard about for astral projection.

The differences between your spirit projecting outside of your body and your consciousness projecting into another reality is why shifting is generally regarded as safer and as needing less precaution.

shifting is a. not dangerous

Well, not inherently. But like most anything it can be used dangerously. Some of the precautions that should be taken are:

•educating yourself properly before shifting

•grounding yourself (an ungrounded shifter can have issues)

•making sure you are not depending on shifting for anything or using it as unhealthy escapism

•understanding spirituality concepts even if you’re not practicing

I have a Staying Safe While Shifting post that has been in my drafts forever because I want to finish my mental health series to link it in the post, but I’ve been procrastinating finishing the mental health series because of the ADHD and shifting topic, which I believe I have.

We do have a majority of young people on the community—middle to older teens, I think. Most adults interested in this sort of thing participate under Quantum Jumping, a term that’s been around longer, which seems more online forum based.

Overall, yes. Shifting when exposed to the wrong people can absolutely harm mental health. I think we’re seeing it on TikTok. I just don’t have the power to make sure only people who can mentally take it see it. I just have to do my best to educate people on how reality shifting works so delusions or misunderstandings are hopefully easier to spot.

I absolutely thank you for the thoughtful message and if I brought up more concerns let me know.

#shifting #shiftblr #reality shifting #spirituality #desired reality #dr #shiftblrs #cr #shifting community #shiftblr discussion #shifting disbelief #not really but just in case #unreality #long post

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mirekat · 3 years

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All right, I’ve been sort-of tagged in this post twice now (directly by @left-trek and implicitly by @little-brisk, thanks to you both!) so let’s do this:

1. Name/nickname: Adrian/there are no good nicknames for Adrian

2. Gender: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ is the short answer

3. Star sign: Google tells me I’m still a Libra

4. Height: 5′8″

5. Time: 8:26am

6. Birthday: 24 September

7. Favorite bands: I cannot concentrate on more than one thing at once, so I listen to way less music than most people and am defensive about it. Also my taste in bands is incoherent. The Mountain Goats, obviously. The Magnetic Fields. I am contractually obligated to like Against Me! Korpiklaani, Eluveitie, other geeky folk and symphonic metal outfits. Erstwhile alt-hip hop duo The Blue Scholars. Every so often I get into a Fleetwood Mac loop and listen to nothing but Rumours nonstop for a week. Whatever, I contain multitudes.

8. Favorite solo artists: Ok, this one is way too hard to winnow down. When I was a teen I decided to pledge myself to a local diva like some 19th c gay aesthete; does that count? That diva is Talise Trevigne, whose career I have faithfully followed from the cardboard sets of the SF Lyric Opera to the Grammies. I was insufferable as a teen and I SHOULD be bullied for it but she’s real good.

9. Song stuck in my head: I was debating how to classify Deltron 3030 so now I have the hook from "3030″ locked in for the rest of the day.

10. Last movie I watched: Star Wars I think.

11. Last show I watched: Star Trek: Enterprise, as many of you will know from my regular practice of dunking on it.

12. When did I create this blog: October 2020

13. What I post: Star Trek, other space shows, academia, birds, my feelings, my cat

14. Last thing I googled: “[University redacted] Library late returns” lol

15. Other blogs: a long-defunct trans history blog

16. Do I get asks: none yet

17. Why I chose my URL: to match my AO3 URL

18. Following: 36. I tried following more but quickly got overwhelmed.

19. Followers: 43.

20. Average hours of sleep: 7.5 under non-manic or depressed conditions

21. Lucky number: I actually haven’t ever thought about this.

22. Instruments: I’m a choirboy, so my voice mostly. Piano, ukulele, baritone sax, several gamelan instruments to varying degrees of competence.

23. What I’m wearing: jeans, plain black tee, a layer of cat hair.

24. Dream job: Trans Karl Marx

25. Dream trip: Anywhere outside a 5K radius of my apartment really. But beyond that, going back to London or Singapore--partly to see all the friends I haven’t seen in a year or more, partly, uh, to go to the archives. I really, really miss archives.

26. Favorite food: garlic

27. Nationality: American, hopefully not forever

28. Favorite song: this is impossible but if I had to listen to only one song for the rest of forever I guess Monteverdi’s madrigal arrangement of ‘Lasciatemi Morire’ bc it’s lovely and I am early modern emo trash.

29. Last book I read: Last book I finished was a reread of To the Lighthouse, which staggered me afresh after so many years. Now I’m midway through Yaa Gyasi’s Transcendent Kingdom. It’s very different from her last book, less linear, with a neuroscientist narrator whose attention to detail is alternately clinical and lyrical but always strikingly precise. A distancing effect that feels both true to the character and helpful in giving a framework for all the narrator’s wrestling with: basically, figuring out how to exist in the face of mental illness and her family’s fragility and American racism and a fundamentalist Christianity that no longer works for her and an academic rationalism that also doesn’t work. It’s a lot to balance and I’m waiting to see how Gyasi wraps it up but it’s been compelling so far.

30. Top 3 fictional universes I’d like to live in: Right now the only ones I can think of are Star Trek--albeit on a planet, not in Starfleet--and Ian M. Banks’s The Culture--albeit like, living on a chill orbital with no job, not in Special Circumstances. Send me to the parts of the utopia we never see because nothing ever happens there.

Honestly I don’t know if I even have 20 mutuals who haven’t already seen this and/or filled it out, and tagging gives me serious social anxiety. So I’m just going to say: if any of my mutuals sees this and feels like filling it out, I’d love to know more about you! Consider yourselves tagged!

#about me #tag meme

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kkairosclerosis · 4 years

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uncommon things i associate my deities with~

hi guys! im back from a quick hiatus!

i recently moved to the city, but not too far from where i lived previously in the country. living in the city, however, is proving to be a bit more difficult then i had imagined, so ive been taking some weekends to go back home and ground myself again so i can feel more connected to my craft<3.

anyways, this morning, i was sitting on the porch of my parents farmhouse, looking out onto the sunset as my idiot dog ran laps around the frost-covered lawn, feeling more connected to my deities than i had in weeks. i decided, ‘hey, here a nice post idea. maybe ill talk abt the things i associate with my deities that others might not, and hopefully inspire them to as well!’ so, here it is!

uncommon things i associate my deities with!

hermes——««

if this isnt your first time on my blog, you probably know: hermes is my patron. he has been for a while, even before i began to worship him. if you want to know more about why, check out this post.

regardless, you can imagine that i hold very dear everything i associate with him.

in this case, it’s my dog.

my dog is an...interesting border collie named oliver. i got into hellenic worship very shortly after getting him, and i have a very strong feeling he has a lot to do with it.

i am thoroughly convinced my dog is a child of hermes. hes chaotic, but extremely smart. very, very fast, and spends hours running out in the yard. just running. nothing else. its even more intense when its windy, which, if you read the aforementioned post, you know that i associate the wind heavily with hermes. hermes is also the god of animal husbandry, and oliver is quite the farm animal.

watching him run, i always get a strong sense of comfort. i know that the energy of hermes resides in him, its very clear. its almost as if his running brings the wind. like hes running, and hermes says ‘hey, that looks fun! let me join!’

i, very regularly, ask for hermes protection of oliver. i do this because i know of the love hermes has for him. i can feel it. it makes me comfortable knowing hes safe while im not home with him. and i can tell it makes oliver feel safe as well.

aphrodite——««

aphrodite has always been dear to me, even before i started actually worshipping. i remember reading about her in the mythology books i frequented in the art room after i finished my projects, carrying them out to the field to just sit and read. she was an embodiment of beauty to me, and that has not changed since, so its natural that i associate her with one of the things i find most beautiful on this plane of existence: clouds.

when i was thinking of writing this post, i was sitting and looking at a cloudless sky. i was thinking: why is it that we most often consider a cloudless sky beautiful? is it because of the absence of ‘blemish?’ does a cloud signify a flaw? must all beautiful things be completely clear, or without mark?

obviously, i thought this was ridiculous. clouds are so very dear to me. i mean, i have an entire album of photos on my phone of pictures of clouds i have taken. i have always been enamored.

while i was pondering this, it hit me. beauty is unique. beauty is individual. thats exactly what aphrodite is about. these ‘marks’ in the sky are what make the sky beautiful to me. aphrodite is in these ‘blemishes’ because i find them beautiful.

now, i dont mean to wrap this up in a corny way, but i encourage the people reading this to think this way about themselves. beauty is in your imperfections because they make you you. i have not seen one cloud that looks exactly like another i have seen, and thats exactly what makes them so beautiful to me. aphrodite loves all of you, and someone else does as well, so do not disrespect them by being mean to yourself. their idea of beauty is not misconstrued, so trust them. and if you dont think someone thinks your beautiful, know that i do<3.

apollo——««

apollo, to me, has always been sort of an enigma. i have a harder time interpreting his signs, especially recently, and i think that its particularly because of my recent falling out with my creative side. i have sort of abandoned my art, and it think its difficult for him to communicate with me through anything else.

one thing, however, i can feel him in is the sound of the birds in the morning. particularly, roosters.

as i mentioned before, my parents live on a farm. its natural to hear roosters first thing in the morning. some people find it annoying, but to me, its incredibly comforting. it means another morning has come. i’ve lived another day, and i have a whole new one to look forward to, until i hear the rooster the next morning. it means the sun is rising, and apollo rises with him.

as a witch who particularly enjoys the sunrise, but has a hard time waking up to see it, the roosters serve as a sort of natural alarm clock. even if i do not physically get up to see the sunrise, i know it is happening, and i am awake for that first moment of dawn. it brings me comfort and a sense of small accomplishment, even on really difficult days.

and the days im in the city, and cant hear the roosters, its the morning songs of the birds in the part right next to my apartment building. this might be even more so, as apollo is the god of music.

its a different type of comfort to wake up to the chill of the morning and hear the birds, knowing its a deity that loves me and wants to see me the next morning as well. i hope you, dearest reader, come to feel the same:).

asclepius——««

now, i haven’t talked about this much on this blog, but to me, asclepius has been such a pillar for me as of recent. with the pandemic and my own current health situation, i rely on him a lot for hope and support. i ask him to protect both me and my friends and family from illness or ailment, and in case of ailment, i ask him to facilitate a speedy recovery. thus far, he has never failed me, and i do not ever expect him to. i put my trust in him wholly.

other than health, i find myself associating asclepius with cleanliness. while i see asclepius as the medic, i also see him as someone who is clean and organized. this is why i associate him with dewdrops.

now, bear with me in my explanation. morning dew, to me, feels clean. it feels almost pure, as it is one of the first forms of moisture a person can be met with during the day.

picture it now. you wake up at sunrise, and venture out into your yard, the chill of the am just tickling at your face, cooling your nose to the touch. you take your first step off of the deck, and your bare feet sink into the grass, cold, and now wet from the dew. the feeling is shocking at first, as your feet get used to the new temperature, fresh out of the warm comfort of your blanket that sits invitingly on your bed inside.

but the feeling is fresh. its grounding. its healing.

that, to me, is how asclepius feels.

sobek——««

i must be honest, sobek is the reason this post came to existence. i feel extremely strong about this one, particularly because i feel that sobek is under-appreciated and misunderstood as a god. i constantly encourage people to include sobek in their worship, as he, to me, has proven to be one of the most reliable gods i have ever worked with. i feel such a sense of comfort and love within him. i could sit in his energy for hours, days even. especially as a person who suffers from bouts of paranoia, his energy is one to learn to accept and become.

for me, i see sobek in flowers.

not many would see this, as sobek has this image of a tough, crocodile, protection god, which he is. but what a lot of people forget, is that sobek is also a god of fertility, particularly in harvest. in fact, sobek has done so much for my family’s farm. our garden is plentiful, and our harvests are more than we know what to do with. we end up making a lot of extra things with it, and giving it away to family friends and neighbors. i genuinely think that sobek creates abundance in our garden so he can give to our community. that is how loving i know him to be.

however, what i specified was flowers. one of the most common offerings i give to sobek are roses. he seems to love them. sobek seems to protect that of which he loves, and roses are a symbol of love for me. i want to attempt to give him what he has given me.

my family has a wildflower garden in front of our home. the morning i was sitting on the porch, i felt his presence, and i immediately looked to the flowers. delicate, yet extremely strong, and persevering. thats how i wish to be, and i can feel sobek in the encouragement of the flowers.

i hope that didn’t come off too corny, although im pretty sure it did lol. i hope that this post was a good insight into my deities and how i understand them to be! again, disclaimer, not everyone experiences the gods in the same ways! some may agree with this post wholeheartedly, and some may have completely different experiences that make them disagree entirely! i am not one to gatekeep and define what the divine is, because the divine shows itself in different ways to different people. i hope you enjoyed this post, and have a wonderful day!

p.s. i love you and you’re worth it!

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flirting-with-psychology · 3 years

Text

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Yes

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? He was celebrating thanksgiving with his parents during my birthday but he called me

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? I

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’ve gotten more anxiety and gotten fatter

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? I Almost Do, Red, and If This Was A Movie (all by taylor swift). Yes I still listen

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? Not in the post I shared, but in my last original post I tagged my boyfriend

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Usually giggly and overexcited

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Disappointed that the gym won’t let me cancel over the phone and might still charge me for february

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? Not always

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Get into bed with him

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? Being annoyed at my dad’s snoring through the walls

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe

Are you okay right now? I haven’t been okay this whole year

What time did you get up today? Like 1:30

When was the last time you saw your mom? The other day

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Donald trump and Mitch McConnell

Where is your best friend right now? At home I assume

When will your next kiss be? As soon as we get negative test results

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? No

Does anyone completely understand you? No

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? I don’t remember, it’s been a long time

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Probably wasting time

How often do you straighten your hair? Never now, I used to when it was short

What are you currently looking forward to? The costume sale that hopefully I will be able to go to

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Lol probably not

Who did you last hang out with? My dad

Did anyone see your last kiss? No

Could things possibly get any better? I fucking hope so

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I assume it will be my boyfriend

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Stress

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? Not sure

How often do you see your ex? Rarely

Who was the last person to text you? My boyfriend

Did you like anyone last summer? Yes, my boyfriend

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yeah

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My boyfriend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I enjoy having one

Are you currently in a relationship? Yes

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Most days

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? I would like to reconnect with my friend Shaina

What are you planning on doing after this? Idk

Is there a girl you would do anything for? No

Who IMed you on facebook last? My mom

How old are you? 26

Do you love dogs? Yes

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Probably

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I have cowboy rainboots

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Apple

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? If I could do either of them, a backflip in water would be cool

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Yes

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, just didn’t have anything in common with them

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? Lol no

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? Watching TV. Listening for music needs to be accompanied by another activity

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Theater is fun, but right now at home

Do you prefer brown or white rice? White

Do you like spaghetti? I love spaghetti

What about lasagna? No, I don’t like red sauce

Do you celebrate Christmas? No

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? Who does that?

Do you like chocolate bars? Yes

what about ice cream? Mostly, although sometimes the plain flavors are boring

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Wasps a few times

Do you get tired easily? Only in the morning

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? No

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered as a teaching assistant What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but it made my vision all swimmy

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? Maybe if I got some that worked

Are your ears pierced? How many times? One on each ear

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but I don’t believe it’s god-given

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? I don’t think so. Both of my parents kept their hair color for awhile so hopefully I got that gene

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Yes, on my arm

Have you ever been screened for STDs? Yes

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? Yes

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ I'm not sure. If it was someone I loved and there wasn’t one already on hand, maybe

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? ewww no

Do you like Harry Potter? Yes

What about Twilight? It was ok, I liked it at the time I read it How do you feel about Lord of the rings? I like the movies

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I did

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? I have a bunch of shotglasses from places I visit

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7.5-8 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Kind of dorito-shaped, so some shoe types just don’t fit

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? Probably bright color

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? Decently

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m probably a little closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I was like 5 the first time I put a word to it and his name was Aidan, but I probably had sort-of crushes even before that

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Blond, bowl-cut at the time. He actually grew up to be really hot so I guess I knew how to pick em

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Maybe

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? A little

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I might have had some minor things

Do you collect DVDs? Not as a collection, but I buy movies I like a lot

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No, those are like twice as much

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? No, I was bad at it

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? Only roly polies

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! Yeah

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes but not well

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? Yes

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? A little

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter for a sandwich, nutella for eating straight out of the jar

Have you ever stepped on a snail? No

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? I can’t remember

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t have one

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Probably not

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Yes

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, but I do wear short sleeves year round

What state were you born in? Colorado

Have you ever had a nose bleed? All the time

How far away do you live from your birthplace? Like 15 minutes

Do you have a weak stomach? No

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? Yes

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? Yes

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Slightly but not really

Do you *really* like donuts? Yes

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? At some point

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? Yes

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Jewelry and nerd stuff

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? I am talking to him right now

What do you usually order on a pizza? No sauce, cheese, garlic, pinapple Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? Not really

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? Mac

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Kitten

How old will you be on your next birthday? 27 yikes

What color are your underwear? Turquoise

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? If it’s messy

#survey

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silentexplorer18 · 4 years

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I’m alive: an update

Hey everybody! Long time no see.

This is gonna be a bit of a long post, just gonna throw a read more here for all the mobile users who don’t want an eternal post on their dashes every time they log on. TLDR at the bottom.

I notice there are asks in my inbox and notifications in my activity thing, and I want you to know that I see that there are things for me and that people have been interacting, and I appreciate it. I’ll be looking at/responding to everything as I’m able to.

I’m back in school and, honestly, I’m a dead gal walking. I’ve been gone for a month(?) and this is the first night that I’ve really had a “break” to do something other than school. I’m loving some of my classes, hating others, I’m sure you all know how that goes.

Right now, I’m trying to get back on my feet and get adjusted to the radical ways my life has changed in the last several weeks/months. When things hopefully (dear god, hopefully) stabilize in my life a little bit, I’m hoping to be able to balance some self care (and writing!) with the myriad of other things I’m dealing with.

In the last month, I’ve missed reading stuff on here so much. Y’all, go send @slytherinbarnes and @stuckonspidey some love for me because I’m seriously missing Sub Rosa and it echoes through so much.

(Oh my gosh, Lilly, you’ve finished the sequel and I’m so far behind! 😭 My heart! I can’t wait to read and find out what happens! And, obviously, you were gonna finish it, but here’s a high five for finishing it because writing’s hard and authors deserve more support!)

(And Sb! You’re already on season 3??? I’m so far behind and I’ve got so much amazing writing to catch up on! And I swear if we’re still in the slow burn stage I will be having a word with you! I’m so impressed with how far you’ve gotten; I feel like I blinked and you made it through season 2. I can’t wait to read it!)

It’s going to be very hard to go back to schoolwork tomorrow and not binge both of these series.

Also go check out the Very Harry Potter Summer’s Masterlist because there are a lot of great fics on there and I’m so mad school started during that because there’s so many fics on that list that I wanna read and haven’t had time to yet!

As for me writing, I have a stack of WIPs I’m going to start nibbling on when school permits. It’s probably going to be a hot minute until I post another fic (she says as though she’s posted much since Christmas...), but I do have lots of ideas in my writer hat that I just have to actually, you know, write. I have two that I’m loving but I have no bloody clue where they’re going (one being Draco x kind of an OC and the other being Drarry). But there’s a stack. More google docs than I dare count. So I promise that eventually (slowly) there will be things coming.

For a while I was honestly really stressed that I wasn’t writing and posting fics, but the truth is, I just like writing, and when I get to finishing a piece, I’ll get to it. There’s no point worrying or stressing over something that’s meant to be fun.

I hope all of you are staying healthy and safe. I think school has started for a lot of people right now, so I’m wishing you all the best with your semesters! Try to do as I say and not as I do lol. Practice self care, drink water, stop for meals, stretch, get sleep, tend to your mental health.

TW covid: As cases continue to rise where I am, I want to remind everyone to remember to practice safe hygiene practices like washing your hands, social distancing, and wearing masks properly! Just because you may not become critically ill doesn’t mean that everyone around you won’t.

There’s probably more things that I was meaning to include in this, but it’s late, I’m tired, I’ve misspelled so much on this post already, and I think I’m gonna cut it here for the night.

I’m sending all of you love and good vibes. Take care of yourselves, and I hope to talk to all of you again soon.

-Silent

TLDR: I’m still around, but school is a monster of work right now. Hopefully soon I’ll have a balance figured out so I can practice self care and start writing again. I’m slowly working on WIPs and eventually those will be posted. So in the meantime go read Sub Rosa and it echoes through (both linked above) by Sb and Lilly because they’re awesome and their work deserves kudos. Take care of yourselves and good luck to everyone starting school. I’m wishing you all well! -S

#silent talks #woah #haven't used that tag in a while #update

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babbushka · 4 years

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Howdy folks! Happy Saturday :) I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their weekend so far!

My body is in shambles (chronic illness + menstruation = kill me now please lol) so I think I am going to be treating myself to a hot bubble bath this evening, and hopefully will get some writing finished for everyone! Lol I’ve got these kinktober oneshots that you guys voted on nearly finished, in addition to that supreme leader kylo oneshot, let’s cross our fingers that I’m not too ill to actually get them posted!

If folks are in the mood, maybe we can have a sleepover this evening and i’ll write up some headcanons you might like to see? Let me know!

Sending everyone love :)

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porkchop-ao3 · 4 years

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A Thrill I’ve Never Known (Chapter 51)

Visiting Hours

Arthur expresses his concern over reader’s sickness (yes I wrote this purely to address an idea that I think I accidentally put in people’s heads last chapter lol), Dutch receives a letter, and Arthur and Sadie go to break John out of prison.

Tagging @emily-strange ❤

(All chapters tagged with #ATINK and also posted on Ao3, username PorkChop)

Arthur made it back as everyone was adding the final touches to camp. As soon as he arrived, he carried me over to his tent, laying me down on his bed, insisting that I take it while my leg healed. I couldn't bring myself to decline, laying down on the ground for as long as it would take for my leg to be functional again was about the last thing I wanted to do. Miss Grimshaw told me that it wouldn't be too long before I should start getting up and moving around a little, just to do chores. It would help make sure I had plenty of mobility in my leg once the skin healed, and I certainly wasn't about to argue with that. I was ready to stretch my legs, and it'd only been a few days.

When I told him I'd been sick, Arthur was concerned. Like Charles, he immediately began checking for signs of an infection, only being slightly relieved when I reassured him that that probably wasn't the cause. He stared at me for a moment, his mouth opening and closing a number of times as he crouched down by the side of the bed, leaning close to me.

"I feel much better now, it's okay. I just got a little travel sick," I shrugged. He gnawed on his bottom lip. "What's wrong?" I frowned, rolling onto my side to face him properly.

"Are you sure it's travel sickness? You've never been ill when we've moved before," he pointed out. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Sure, but I've never been in pain when travelling before. What else would it be?" I asked.

"I'm just– what about your– could you be–" he stammered, and I stared blankly at him, waiting for him to articulate. "Have you been… bleedin'... normally?" He asked in a very hushed tone, his eyes dropping away from my face with a little discomfort.

It took me a second to understand what he was asking, immediately thinking about the wound on my leg, which hadn't really bled much at all… It soon clicked, though.

"Oh, I... I don't think it could be that," I murmured.

"I just know sickness can sometimes be a sign and we've… are you sure?" He asked.

"I'm sure," I nodded.

"I don't mean to tell you about your own body, I'm just– when was the last time?" He scratched at his scalp, clearly feeling perturbed by the topic.

"Currently," I finally told him with a sigh, trying not to feel too embarrassed by it. "It began this morning. Hell, that might've even had something to do with my sickness, sometimes I feel a little off."

"Oh. I see, that's… that's that then," he gave a breathy laugh, perhaps what you'd call relieved. "Do you need anything?"

I shook my head, "I'm fine, thank you. And don't worry about that, I think I'd notice if something was amiss."

"No, of course. I'm being silly," he shook his head.

"We've been careful, as well," I said, my tone light. He met my eyes again.

"Careful or not, it could still happen, princess," he whispered, reaching out and brushing his palm over my hair. I frowned a little, wondering if he was about to tell me we couldn't be with each other like that anymore. "Don't worry. I'll always look after you, whatever happens. I just want you to be okay, you'll tell me if anything like that happens, won't you?"

"Of course I would," I whispered. He pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"If you wanna stop all'a that till we're free of this place, we will," he said, and I shook my head before he'd even finished the sentence. He chuckled at that.

"I couldn't, I love you. I want all that, it means so much–" I began, my voice rising high enough for him to gently shush me with an amused smile on his face.

"Well, I'm glad I ain't the only one," he breathed, leaning in and kissing my temple, my cheek, my neck–

"You want me to draw the curtains?" A very loud, very drunk Karen said as she staggered by. She was clearly making the most of the fresh stock of alcohol Pearson had been out and fetched. Arthur breathed deep and slow as he pulled back, sitting down on his backside and leaning against the crate next to the bed with a content little smile.

"Dutch! There's a letter here– Molly. There's a letter from Miss O'Shea, I thought you should read it," Uncle was calling as he came shuffling into camp. He waved the thing in the air as Dutch got up from his reading spot to meet him half-way. I watched him as he did, his face a hard, creased frown, his moustache almost covering the narrow line of his mouth.

Everyone seemed to stop and stare, and Dutch didn't notice, or care. He took the letter, peeled the paper open and scanned the page. Everything was far too quiet as his eyes jerked back and forth over the words, his expression unchanging. His hand lifted to idly rub at his moustache. I felt Arthur glance at me only for a moment, before returning to join everyone else in waiting for Dutch's reaction.

It was a long letter. Either that or he was reading it over and over. My curious side reared up and I was desperate to know what she'd written.

Eventually, Dutch reanimated, lowering the letter, lifting his eyes to look at everyone. He realised, then, that all of the attention was on him, and he cleared his throat, lifting his chin minutely. "Miss O'Shea… has returned to Ireland," he said slowly, emotionlessly, matter-of-factly.

So, she had gone home. In the end, she'd made her choice. A smile appeared on my lips before I realised, even as Dutch wordlessly turned and strolled back over to his tent, disappearing inside.

A beat passed, and then everyone began to murmur.

"Shit," Arthur breathed, turning to me. "When did that happen? I hadn't even– it's been such a whirlwind of a few days…" he trailed off.

"She left while you were away. I thought she might've gone home," I admitted. "She… she and I spoke a little."

"You did?" He seemed surprised by this.

"She weren't happy. You know that," I said, and Arthur nodded slowly. "I told her she's gotta do what's right for her. And she did," I said with certainty, perhaps a little coldness.

"Maybe I should go speak to Dutch," he said under his breath, thoughtfully. I opened my mouth to protest, to tell him that Dutch brought it on himself by brushing her off constantly, so he should leave him to wallow. But I softened my words at the last moment.

"His ego'll be bruised. He probably needs a minute."

"Mm, you're prob'ly right," he mumbled, resting back against the crate. "Still, can't believe she actually went. She was a fool for that man."

"Yeah, but she weren't a fool, full stop. She knows when she ain't appreciated. Much as she didn't wanna accept it in the beginning," I sighed. Arthur hummed quietly in agreement.

"At least she don't have to deal with any of this anymore," he said. I tilted my head to look at him, then dropped my open hand against the bed, clapping my fingers against my palm until he slotted his own hand there.

"Hopefully we won't, soon," I whispered. He watched me for a while, his expression unchanging. Then he moved forward, turning my hand and pressing a row of kisses across my knuckles.

"I love you," he told me softly, then lowered his voice further, "it's about time for me to go. Meetin' Sadie down by the Lannahechee River, we're gonna get John–"

My eyes widened. "Today?" I gasped.

"Shh, shh, you can't tell no one. Dutch don't know we're going," he moved onto his knees again, hunching over me as if to conceal the noises I made.

"Who's going?"

"Jus' me and Sadie."

"Just two of you?" I squeaked, panic rushed through me and unsettled my stomach again.

"Trust me, it'll be better with just two," he whispered reassuringly, stroking my hair. "Relax, baby, we got it. We're gonna bring John back to his family."

"Oh, please be careful. Make sure you bring yourself back, too," I pleaded, squeezing his hand tight.

"I promise," he said. I shifted up, sitting upright, and wrapped my arms around him. I squeezed him so tight, focusing on the warm press of his chest against mine, the push as it expanded with his breaths. I never wanted him to leave my sight, I never wanted to feel like I did back when he was in Guarma, unsure if he would ever return to my embrace.

"Please," I whispered, feeling my throat ache with the urge to sob.

"Princess," Arthur cooed, concerned, "it's okay. Come on, you know I'll always do everything I possibly can to come back to you."

"I'm just scared. I'm scared for you! You're going into a–" I caught myself and lowered my voice significantly– "a heavily guarded penitentiary. They're gonna wanna keep you there!"

"We don't plan on makin' a scene. We're gonna grab him while he's out in the fields, there'll be a couple'a guards at most. Trust me, sweetheart."

"I do trust you," I sniffled, pressing my face into his shoulder where his shirt absorbed the few tears that managed to escape me. "It's the people who point their guns at you that I don't."

"I'll be fine. When I come back, maybe we can sit in here and do some more drawing together?"

I was quiet for a moment, then released him, shifting to lean up against the side of the wagon as best I could with my leg stretched out sideways across the bed. "I'm sorry, I'm acting like a child. You ain't gotta promise me a reward if I'm a good girl."

Arthur chuckled quietly, shaking his head. "I didn't mean it like that," he said with a grin, "don't you wanna?"

"Of course!"

"Well then, just look forward to that," he teased, stood up, and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. "You just relax, you ain't been well today. You don't need to be stressin' about me."

"I'll try my best. Now I ain't gonna keep you no more, go and do what you need to do. You better be safe," I said, handing him his hat from where it was sitting atop a storage crate by the bed. He settled it on his head, his eyes on mine.

"I'll do my best for you, angel," he smiled. "See you real soon."

I nodded and smiled back, not wanting to speak in fear that he'd hear how scared I really was. He turned and left, and I watched him speed over to Jet, who he fed an apple to and gave a quick brush before mounting, and riding out of camp. He disappeared between the trees and I sighed, knocking my head back against the side of the wagon. I decided to stay sitting up, despite the awkward angle my leg was at, because I was sick and tired of laying down. People tended to avoid me like that, perhaps thinking I was sleeping, or unfit for visitors. At least sitting upright made me feel a little less like an outsider to the camp, just a patient, waiting to recover.

The camp was quiet now that everyone had settled in and found their place in the new location. Jack and Tilly were playing with the dominoes (whether an actual game of dominoes was going on, I couldn't be sure). Mary-Beth and Susan were trying to get Karen to stay put on her bedroll, she’d thrown up twice since arriving, the mix of beer and whiskey not settling right in her stomach after all the stress. At least I wasn't the only one to have christened the new spot with my stomach contents… Micah was loitering around outside Dutch’s tent (which was still closed off, concealing him from the rest of us), and Bill and Uncle were sitting at the table nearby. Everyone else was dotted around doing little jobs or guarding the camp. I wasn't sure where Charles was, but he’d set out on Taima not long after we’d arrived.

I slumped in my seat, not really sure what to do with myself.

“You feelin’ any better?” Lenny appeared by the side of the tent, coming around from the back with a bundle of books in his hands. I smiled at him widely, glad to see him again.

“Much. Thanks for sitting with me on the way over. That was real kind of you, and you made the journey much better,” I told him, and he shook his head with a smile.

“No problem. I got you some books, I don't know how much of a reader you are. There’s a couple of mine, but I asked Mary-Beth too, thought she’d have some of a little more interest to you,” he said, and I was touched once again by the kindness of those around me.

“Oh, Lenny. Thank you,” I beamed, taking the books from his outstretched hands.

“Well, I know how it feels to be laid up with a bad leg, remember?” He gave me a little smirk and I nodded. I glanced at his ankle.

“How’d that heal up, by the way?”

“Fine, I can barely tell it even happened,” he informed me, much to my happiness.

“Oh, good, I hope Maggie made amends,” I laughed.

“Oh, sure, she’s been real good. Ain’t even tried stealin’ apples from Pearson’s wagon once since then,” he snorted, “anyway, I better go take over from Javier. Hope those books give you a little entertainment.”

“Alright, thanks again, Lenny,” I gave him a little wave as he headed off.

“No worries,” he called back.

I looked down at the pile of books and began sifting through them, reading the titles. Nothing grabbed me until I came across a pale purple book with golden words on the cover, and I stopped to tilt the thing back and forth to admire the way it caught the light. How pretty! The Castle in the Field of Lavender, it was titled. I put the other books aside, and flicked my chosen one open to the first page.

It was definitely one of Mary-Beth’s books. Well, it could have been Lenny’s, but I just couldn't see him reading about the beautiful, French, enigmatic Mademoiselle la Comtesse and her love affair with Pierre, the Duc of La Mochelle. I couldn't put the damn thing down. I was engrossed, turning page after page all afternoon, for hours, making it over half-way through the book in one sitting. It was undoubtedly the most entertaining book I’d ever read.

I was so engaged with it that I didn’t even hear Susan approach. I just winced when light suddenly hit my eyes, and then I realised that it had become dark, the sun almost completely set! Susan placed a newly-lit lamp down on the crate next to me.

“If you’re gonna keep reading, you’d best have some light. You’ll strain your eyes reading in the dark,” she said.

“Thanks,” I smiled, watching as she peered at the cover of the book, seeing what I was reading.

“Must be a good book.”

“It’s absolutely dreadful,” I told her bluntly, “but it sure is entertaining.”

“How’d you mean?” She seemed puzzled, frowning at me and cocking her head.

“Well, Mademoiselle la Comtesse’s horse, which is the colour of a French horse, just whinnied Frenchly,” I explained, and Susan chuckled, shaking her head.

“That’s one of Mary-Beth’s,” she nodded in understanding, “now d’you see why I get so irritated with her reading those things instead of doing her chores? Filling her head with nonsense. I hope I ain’t gotta worry about you, now, as well.”

“It’s harmless,” I grinned.

“If you say so,” she shook her head, tutted, and wandered off.

I giggled to myself, glancing down to find my place on the page, though I was soon distracted by the sound of hoof beats at the edge of camp. My heart pounded when I saw two horses galloping in, the first of which carrying Sadie, and behind her, John. He was dressed in a striped jumpsuit, fresh from the penitentiary. Arthur was close behind them, the orange glow emanating from the camp catching on the sweat on the high planes of his face. A burst of energy crackled down every limb, my heart jumping, something close to joy erupting in my chest at the sight of them all. John: home at last, returning to Abigail and Jack. Arthur and Sadie: both safe and sound and able to pat themselves on the back for pulling off what might seem like the impossible.

I was so happy, I swung my leg over to rise up to my feet, collapsing straight back down with a hiss of pain when I was reminded of the state of my leg.

"Fuck," I growled to myself, my hand going to the dressing, fingers wanting to claw into my leg as if that would make it better when it obviously wouldn't. I felt a little embarrassed, and gingerly scooted back onto the bed with a quiet whimper, pressing my lips together. Luckily no one saw my stupidity.

I sat back and watched as the three of them dismounted, and Abigail rushed over to give John a hug. He caught sight of me from over her shoulder, and I flashed him a big, welcoming smile, which he returned. It fell, though, when Dutch reappeared from his tent at the sound of all the commotion.

"John, what are you doing here?" He shouted across the camp, closing the gap between them.

"It's good to see you too, partner," John replied with a bite to his tone I was surprised to hear directed at Dutch. Arthur strolled closer to them, and he, John and Abigail faced Dutch – flanked by Micah – like they weren't a gang of friends. Like they were against each other. My eyes widened and my ears strained to hear what they were saying, but I couldn't. Only when someone raised their voice or used a sharpened tone did I catch it.

Dutch was talking, his brow furrowed in anger.

"Yeah, I know what you said," I caught part of Arthur's response, his tone irritated and, frankly, tired.

Dutch didn't like whatever Arthur was telling him, he spoke in a low voice, gesturing to himself and then I heard; "what then, Arthur?

"I guess we'll have another fight on our hands," Arthur's response was gravelly and pissed off. I began to sweat. This wasn't what I expected to happen when John was finally home. I thought Dutch would be at least a little happy to see him, alive and no longer threatened with the noose!

"I had a goddamn plan!" Dutch yelled. Then he addressed John.

"They was talking of hanging me, Dutch–"

"They was talking… and now they may come and hang us all!" Were Dutch's final, dramatic words before he retreated with a swagger to his steps like he was far more intimidating than he actually looked. Micah shook his head like a disapproving elderly and trotted away behind Dutch, his lips practically puckered at the man's behind. I was surprised he didn't have a snarky comment.

Abigail, with a face that was likely potent enough to kill, tugged John by the arm away into their shared tent, shutting the world out behind them. Arthur lingered in his spot for a moment, watching Dutch disappear inside his tent once more, his jaw set solid and tense, likely doing his teeth no good. I called out his name, and he looked over at me, his expression loosening just a bit. There was a pause, he glanced around at the others in camp who were only just beginning to stop staring in shock, then he was approaching me.

He freed the curtains around the tent, letting them drop closed around us, shutting off our private little space. His back was to me, and I could see his shoulders expanding quickly with heavy, shaky breaths. His fists were clenched tight. He was practically shaking.

"Arthur," I whispered softly. He didn't respond, and I heard him trying to steady his breath. I gave him time.

"Sadie and I risk our necks to save one of our own, and that's the thanks we get?" He said under his breath, tone gruff. "Marston gets back after being gone weeks, locked up and facing death, and this is his welcome home party?" His voice raised a little.

I kept my mouth shut, knowing that he was completely justified in his anger, and not wanting to make things worse by spitting poison about the man who'd caused it.

"I just–" Arthur spun around to look at me– "he ain't who I believed him to be all those years. The Dutch I know ain't like this. He's always spoutin' off about loyalty, but it seems that only matters when it's his ass that's bein' kissed! Damn the rest of us."

"I know," I whispered in a small voice. Arthur sighed loudly and gave his head a sharp shake.

"If it was up to him, I'd still be swinging upside-down in the O'Driscolls' den, and John'd be swinging from his goddamn neck," he muttered, then stormed over to sit down on the edge of the bed. I sat up and rubbed his shoulder. "How can he call us family? How can he look John in the eye, tell him he's his brother? His son?" He scoffed, lip curling in disgust.

I kneaded his shoulders with my fingertips.

"I jus' don't understand," his final words were defeated. Sad, more than angry. I leaned forwards, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to his temple.

"Perhaps in the morning he'll have changed his tune," I suggested, nestling my cheek against his.

"Mm," he grunted disinterestedly.

"Thank you for rescuing John. He saved my life, he's the very reason I have you in my life. It's so good to see him reunited with his family. If Dutch don't appreciate it, who cares? You did the right thing, and that's what's important," I told him. His hand raised to stroke my forearms.

"Yeah, I s'pose that's right," he mumbled.

"Don't think about Dutch. You can't change the way he acts, so just focus on the people who ain't questioning you, who know why you do what you do."

He took my hand, interlaced our fingers and lifted the back of my hand to his mouth to press a sweet kiss there. He hummed softly with a sigh, then tilted his head to look at me from the corner of his eye.

"You're good at that," he said, and when I looked at him blankly, he elaborated, "at calmin' me down."

I didn't say anything, I just kissed his cheek.

"How're you feeling now?" He asked.

"I'm feeling fine, now you're back. Spent the evening reading one of Mary-Beth's books," I told him, lifting it up and showing him the cover. The corner of his lip curled up.

"One o' them romances? Hope this ain't giving you unrealistic expectations of me," he teased.

"Not in the slightest," I snorted, dropping the book down on the bed.

"Knock, knock," a husky voice came from outside the tent, and I smiled at the sound of John's voice, even happier than I thought I'd be to hear it again.

"Come on in," I called out, detangling myself from Arthur and leaning back on the pillow. "It's good to see you," I grinned at him when he slipped inside.

"Glad someone is," he laughed darkly in response, then gestured to my leg, "Abigail told me 'bout what happened to you. Sounded pretty nasty."

"Well, it weren't no fun," I snorted, "but I'm getting there. I'll just be glad when I can get out of camp for a little fresh air."

"How is it? You in a lot of pain?" He asked me with a small wince on his face. Arthur glanced over his shoulder for my response.

"A bit," I shrugged slightly. It was more than a bit, but there was no point in making everyone feel bad for me.

"Well, I guess you've got an excuse to drink a lot of whiskey," he laughed, trying to find a silver lining I suppose. I laughed, but I struggled to pour much genuine humour into it. "I uh, I know these last few weeks ain't been easy on all'a you. Abigail said you was real good to her while I was away. Thanks for being there for her."

"She did the same for me," I told him.

"Yeah?" He smiled, then glanced at Arthur with a playful gleam in his eye, "well, ain't that nice, Arthur? The wives're getting along."

Arthur breathed a quiet laugh, hanging his head between his shoulders and idly scratching at his wrist. I rolled my eyes in amusement.

"Anyway, how was it in prison?" I asked him. He grunted.

"About what you'd expect. Pretty awful. But hey, ain't had such a solid roof over my head for so long in a while, so I guess you could say it was uh, a bit of a novelty. Wore off pretty quick, though," he explained, pushing a smile onto his face that didn't strike me as genuine.

"You were in there for what, a month at least?" I noted, and he looked down at his shuffling feet.

"Yeah, I guess it weren't all that long. Least I was dry, and in the country. Just about, anyway," he laughed, meeting Arthur's eyes.

"A month is a long time," I disagreed. "Anyway, I'm just glad to have you back. Now we're all together again, things'll get easier, I'm sure."

"I sure hope so. I don't know what Dutch's grand plan is, but I'm about ready to hear it."

"Ain't we all?" Arthur muttered.

#rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #arthur morgan #fanfiction #arthur morgan x reader #atink #arthur morgan x female reader #reader insert #rdr2 fanfic

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bazypitchandsimonsnow · 4 years

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Lack of Fics/Interaction Explanation

Heyyyy, idk if anyone has noticed or actually cares lol, but I wanted to explain my prolonged absence from fic writing/posting, because it's not ending anytime soon like I hoped. As some people may know I have a dizzying array of health problems. One of those is major depressive disorder, which essentially means I'm depressed most of the time. Mine tends to manifest as prolonged depressive spells that I come out of eventually. I've pretty much been caught in a depressive spell for almost half a year with very brief grace periods. Not fun.

Unfortunately, writing takes a lot of energy and I've had little to none for months due to the MDD. What used to take me hours to write now takes me days. Plus my motivation to do anything, let alone write, is just not there. When I do try, I'm slow and usually don't like what I make, which makes me more depressed so I stop writing. Then I'll try to write again a few days later because I feel slightly better and the same thing happens. It's a vicious cycle I've got myself caught in.

Some may have noticed I'm not commenting on/liking a lot of fics lately either. Truth is seeing others write amazing snowbaz fics makes the awful part of me super jealous and more depressed. It's not that I want everyone to be miserable like me, I just want to be able to create again and I'm sad that I can't write like these other incredible authors can. Seeing others do so is too painful for me rn. It's awful and self centred, I know, it's just what my stupid mentally ill brain is doing rn.

Sidenote: I want to send out a general message of love and pride to all you amazing snowbaz writers who's works I haven't been able to bring myself to read. You're doing great and making great things, thank you for contributing to this awesome fandom's fics ❤️

Fun fact: I put way too much pressure on myself. If I'm not writing I feel useless and like I'm wasting my time, which leads to more depression. Basically too much of my identity and self worth is dependent on my ability to create. So now after months of increasing pain, resentment, self loathing, and general sadness, I'm trying to break the cycle because I need to break that toxic mindset. I haven't tried to write anything for four days (a record for me, I used to write everyday) and have just been relaxing, reading comics, watching stuff, trying to not internally punish myself for being unable to write. It's going okay. I still feel bleh but I'm starting to regain perspective and stop being mad at myself for not creating. Hopefully soon, I'll find that spark again and finish something. But I can't guarantee when that'll be. For now I'm gonna keep chilling, maybe even read some snowbaz fics again if I can. We'll see.

So yeah, if anyone was wondering, that's where I've been. Mostly just laying in bed watching cartoons and being sad lol. Hopefully my next update on my Mentally Ill Life will be in a fic note. Anyway, hope you all have a good night 😊

#long post #mentl illness tw #depression tw #theo spends way too much time talking about themself #idk if this is needed #i just need to put this out i think #t talks

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thatsbrookie · 4 years

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October 2020

Heh heh... so... you wanna just ignore how long it’s been since I’ve posted...? Yeeeahhhh... let’s ignore how long it’s been since I’ve posted. Lol jk, I think my Tumblr days are coming to an end. No particular reason why.. but I’ve just gradually become less and less interested in posting here. It’s crazy to think about how long I’ve been using Tumblr as my own little private diary. My very first post on here was in February of 2013. Well over 7 years ago.. Tumblr has always been good to me. It’s always been super beneficial for me to write out my feelings and emotions, goals and heartaches... All good things come to an end, though. I suppose. Maybe I’ll get an actual physical journal and start doing that.. Anywhooooo.. lets do a life update! I literally can’t remember the last thing I posted on here.. so, I apologize if I repeat myself.. Greg and I were moving around a lot. Louisiana, Texas, Iowa, Minnesota. I might be wrong, but the last I remember posting a life update was in Iowa. We were living in Mason City, Iowa. For a little over a year. But I swear, that year was one of the most insane years of my life. Mainly because of CAVU.. Like.. fuck, man. You have no idea.. but I can’t get into all that right now. I won’t stop. Also in Iowa, Rosalie got very seriously sick. She’s an older pup, 10 years old. So illness is taken seriously.. And this was BAD. THANKFULLY, she made a full recovery. That was SO scary

Anywayyyys, we are noooow in St Paul, Minnesota! And I know what you’re thinking, “Omg, y’all move so much. I can’t even keep track anymore” We know we’ve moved around a lot and we got sick of it. Moving frequently can be fun because you get a lot of interesting experiences, but we’d been wanting a place to call ‘home’ for some time. We both agreed that we wanted to settle in a larger city somewhere in the north (we love colder weather) and we’ve always liked the idea of Michigan, Wisconsin, or Minnesota (Greg is from the area). Then Greg got a job offer and a good promotion to move to the Minneapolis/Saint Paul area for a senior manager position and we felt like it was fate. So we decided to lay some roots and buy a house here in Saint Paul rather than renting. And leemmeeee teeelll yooouuu, buying a house FOR THE FIRST TIME, in a DIFFERENT STATE, during a GLOBAL PANDEMIC.... that was an EXPERIENCE. Plus, just a couple days after we officially moved here is when all the riots started happening. Just a few miles from our home!! It was truly one of the most chaotic times of our lives!! But we are both SO pleased with our lil home. It was worth it! It’s older and on the smaller side, but it is beautiful. On a more personal note, I have been struggling a lot mentally and emotionally. We moved here the very end of May and is now it’s the beginning of October. I’ve been actively trying to find a job since around July/August with no luck.. It’s been getting really hard to stay positive and motivated. Lately I’ve just felt like I lack purpose and just existing instead of actually living, ya know? I cry to Greg about it, he’s so supportive and he keeps telling me to be patient. “We’re in the middle of a pandemic.. The culinary industry is taking a huge hit because of that. Most restaurants, if they’ve even been able to stay open, are only doing take out/delivery or operating at only 30%-50% capacity for dine-in. Majority of places aren’t hiring right now.. They’re barely able to keep they’re own staff employed.” I know he’s right. But it’s still really getting to me.. I just feel useless Plus, I’ve been so lonely. I’ve been trying to take Covid seriously (As EVERYONE should be. If you’re not, FUCK YOU), taking extra precautions when I have to leave the house. So because of that, I’m alone at home ALL THE TIME. I mean, I have Greg, but he works very long hours. And by the time he gets home, most of the time he’s exhausted and just falls asleep. I miss friends. I miss my family so much.. I haven’t seen my dad in like a year and a half! Greg and I talked about it, and I’ve started to see a doctor for help with anxiety and depression. I’ve tried out a few different medications, but nothing seems to be working super well for me so far. I have another appointment in a week to change up my meds again, hopefully something that will help me more. My doctor has been urging me to get back into therapy. I’d love to, but I just can’t afford that right now. Since I still don’t have a job, money is tight. Greg is obviously still making money, but the cost of living here in Saint Paul i waayyyy higher than all the other places we’ve lived. So we don’t have as much extra moolah as we used to. Plus, I’ve gained like 10-15 pounds. Damn quarantine.. I’ve been eating and drinking WAY too much. The weather is starting to get colder here, so I was going through my warmer pants. They all still zip/button but they are hella tight now! I got super super sad about that too. Oh, also. I cut all my hair off. I always loved my super long, red hair. I got compliments all the time. It was beautiful. But I have been wanting to cut my hair short for a long time. Like short short. For years. I figured, ‘New city, new hair’ and got it all chopped off! I got my hair cut the first time and pretty much immediately unhappy with it. About a week later I went back and got it tweaked. I was way happier with it then. A month or so later, it was starting to get too long and super poofy. I went back and got it cut EVEN SHORTER, thinned out (I have super thick hair) and a different style shape. This cut is by far my favorite!! It’s exactly the short cut I had envisioned on myself since the start!! Third time’s the charm, I suppose. My hair is actually short than Greg’s hair currently! Lol I have been absolutely loving my new short hair! I feel like it suits me and my personality SO much more!! However, even though I feel so great with it, I haven’t taken a single picture I feel 100% confident in. I’ve tried to take many pictures, but I feel like I look stupid in every single one of them. It’s so confusing.. In person: Wow! Super cute! In pictures: *projectile vomit* Something wild and unexpected... dad and Cynthia got divorced! He called me the middle of last month and told me that he and Cynthia literally just got done finishing up the paperwork. I was extremely shocked. He told me that they have actually been arguing and fighting like CRAZY for a very very long time. Finally they decided to get a divorce, but didn’t tell anyone. They wanted it to be finalized first. Then tell people. I was so surprised.. I didn’t even know what to say. But he assured me that this is a VERY GOOD thing. He was planning a celebration that night. Lol! It’s crazy, they were only married for 2 years!

Hmmm.. I’m trying to think if there’s anything else worth mentioning... Like I said, my life has been pretty dull lately.. Well. It’s getting late. I’m going to start getting ready for bed. I’m actually kind of tired. Lately I’ve had a really hard time falling asleep.. maybe tonight is my lucky night and I’ll actually be able to fall asleep quickly. *knock on wood* Goodnight, Tumblr!

#life update #fuck 2020

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eltanin-malfoy · 5 years

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Get A Grip III - Epilogue

pairing : draco/fem-y/n

word count : 3.3k

warning(s) : mentions of healing/PTSD/war/sex, lots of fluff.

requested : sort of??

a/n : i just wrote this in one sitting! lol. i hope this is satisfying?? i know a lot of my stuff ends on cliffhangers so I decided not to do that for this one. give me some feedback pls! love u! hopefully this doesn’t come off as rushed??

tag list : @kaibie @acciodracoo @drawlfoy @war-sword @socontagiousimagines

Part I II

Y/N’s life as a healer was nothing short of tedious on paper. But she still loved it.

After having received specialised training for treating those impacted by war, trauma and violence post her basic healing certification, her schedule remained full, full, full, thanks to the Second Wizarding War, of course. Everyone and their mother was impacted and gravely so. Thanks to the Ministry’s work towards spreading awareness about the mental implications of war and trauma, everyone had been encouraged to seek support.

Her ward at St. Mungo’s remained constantly occupied, with the people who were permanently disabled as a result of the violence of the war taking up beds and pretty much being forced to spend the rest of their lives there. It was heartbreaking, but she had to keep her head up high and help them move on. She’d been lucky enough to be able to cool down the impacts the war had had on her in time enough to complete her schooling and be able to work towards achieving the goal she had desired ever since her seventh year at Hogwarts.

Her clinic times were full as well, with her having to both counsel and treat afflicted patients. There were some familiar faces here and there, old friends and teachers and classmates from Hogwarts. And also, the others who’d been in the cellar along with her. Sure, a hospital wasn’t an ideal destination for her to meet others, but it was the only place she seemed to have time for. The little time she got off, she’d stay home, reading up and attempting to expand her knowledge of post traumatic stress disorder based on Muggle research. (Someone had to put in the effort for the rest of the Wizarding World, right?) Romance wasn’t something she put effort into anymore. Sure, she’d had a few affairs, but.. she wasn’t actively looking for something, not when she was so busy.

But sometimes, the best things come when you least expect them to.

Y/N was sitting at her desk, writing off yet another prescription of Potion for Dreamless Sleep (something that was so greatly helpful to those suffering with mental illness, you’d never have thought!) for a previous patient. She soon finished writing notes about the frequence of the dosage they were permitted and charmed the parchment to go to the patient’s hand.

She checked her list and almost froze as she read the name of her next patient.

Malfoy, Draco.

Age : 27. (D.O.B. : 5th June, 1980.)

Blood Status : Pureblood.

Nationality : British.

Ailments :

Diagnosed with PTSD at 18. Now mostly recovered.

Suffered severe physical damage and faced Cruciatus curse at a young age, has some sensitivity to loud noises, flashing lights, etc.

Suffered dark magic curse at 16, left with minor scarring on abdomen. No other permanent effects.

Hereditary concerns : skin hypersensitivity, family history of osteoporosis.

Prescriptions :

Potion for Dreamless Sleep. (Taking regularly for 10 years.)

There was a name she hadn’t seen in years. She’d thought about him, sure. But they hadn’t stayed in contact at all. She usually learned the most about him through the Daily Prophet, where she’d recently learnt he’d been seen talking to a woman at a party. Huh. There really wasn’t much to report about anymore, it seemed. Maybe that was something to be grateful about?

Most of what was on his sheet was expected, when she’d last seen him, at Hogwarts, during their 8th year, which most of the others in their year had chosen to forego, she remembered he was still taking the potion. The only oddity was his continued prescription.. most patients would basically be ‘weaned’ off of it by their fourth or fifth year of treatment.. why had Draco been taking it for twice that long?

Either way, she kept staring at her door a bit nervously, awaiting his entry. There was a soft knock at the door and she bit down on her lip. “Come in.” And then.. He.. walked in.

She offered him a smile and ushered him over to the chair in front of her desk.

“Hello, Draco.”

He was wearing dark robes, his height still prominent as he stepped into the room. His hair seemed to be a bit longer than she remembered it, a few pale strands covering his forehead but still styled meticulously. He seemed obviously more mature, and a bit less skinny than the boy she remembered. There were slight wrinkles on his face, under his eyes, which could again be traced back to the stresses of war, most likely.

“Good afternoon, Y/N.” He looked at her with an eyebrow raised. “I.. I recognised your name but I didn’t know whether it was really you. I should’ve brou-” For some reason, she forced out a slight giggle. “That’s no-no problem at all, really. I was a bit surprised when I saw your name too.”

“I usually have my check ups with uh.. Healer Bole? I thought it was him again, but the name on the door confused me.” “He’s taken some time off these past few days. That’s why they must have assigned you to me instead.” “I suppose…”

Y/N looked straight into his eyes as an awkward silence rose into the room. His grey pupils stared right back at hers, blinking very slowly. What were you supposed to talk about with someone you’d been close to ten years prior?

Oh, right, she was supposed to be healing him. Thank god there was no need for any actual small talk between them.

“So, what brings you here today? If you need counselling or anything, I probably shouldn’t do it since we know each other personally an-” “Oh, oh, no. I just needed to refill my prescription.” “For Potion of Dreamless Sleep?” “Yes.” “Right.. Before I do that, could I ask you about it..?” “Um, sure?”

“Well.. I wanted to know.. how come you’ve been taking it for so long? I don’t know if you know, but patients are only recommended to take it regularly for a maximum of five years.”

“I.. I need it. I can’t sleep without it. The nightmares are still awful.” “But you’ve been.. taking it regularly ever since th-”

“I have.” “So.. how do you know the nightmares are just as bad?” “Well.. um.. I’ve tried sleeping without it, it didn’t work out well for me.” “For a night?” “Yes.” “Well, I’d like for you to try it again, for a few nights. We can send in a nurse for you, if you want.”

He looked at her with a slightly pained, irritated expression.

“Must I..? Bole would give me the prescriptions just fine.” She hesitated for a second, then thought through what he’d just said. “Bole was.. making a mistake, I think. Did he know you’d been taking it for that long?” “I’ve been seeing him all along.” “You’re kidding!” “I’m not..”

Wow, had she just discovered her colleague had been engaging in medical malpractice? Taking the easy way out of a complicated situation? Surely, there had to be more to this, right?

“Did he never ask you to try..?” “He did, but after I told him it didn’t go well the first time he seemed fine with just continuing to prescribe it to me.” “I see..” Hmm. Bole had definitely not done the right thing. It sounded terribly lazy. He was risking Draco developing an addiction just so that he wouldn’t have to put in actual effort to heal him. When dealing with a case as such, patients were often kept in the ward for observation, but obviously Bole hadn’t even brought up the possibility of the same to Draco. A complaint was going to have to be filed, it seemed.

“I hate to inform you of this, but I feel Bole might have done the wrong thing in this case.”

“Oh..?” “Yes, I will again insist you try to forego potion for a few nights. There are major potential implications of using it for as long as you have, and we can avoid any actual damage if we can have you give it up soon.”

“But.. Y/N.. I..” “Come on.. “ She bit at the inside of her cheek. “Like I said before, we can have a nurse come in for you and observe. And also.. It’s Healer Y/L/N to you, Mr. Malfoy.” He smirked at this and set his hands on his lap, taking a deep breath.

“You know what, Healer Y/L/N? I might be willing to try.. but.. I don’t want a nurse to come in. I want you to.”

Her eyes widened and she reached for the quill on her desk, fiddling with its fibres. When an ex challenged you as such, were you supposed to take it? The feelings he used to stir inside of her had long faded and she was sure the both of them had moved on as much as the other had, it was a mutual break up, in the end. Was this supposed to be related to that..? Was he.. Actually interested? Or was he just playing games?

Did it even matter? Life was getting a little boring. Something a little out of the ordinary for her would be fun, for sure.

“You know what? Sure.”

***

It was seven o’clock on Friday evening when she finally finished up with all her work at St. Mungo’s and headed home, ready for the night that lay ahead of her.

She slipped out of the lime green uniform robes she wore to work and went through her wardrobe, confused. What the hell was she supposed to wear? Definitely not something inappropriate, not something overly casual, and not something too fancy either. In the end, she was going over to his place to watch him sleep, and hopefully manage to sleep herself, not to sleep with him. (She was quite tired, admittedly.)

In the end, she decided to wear a pair of pyjamas (white with purple stripes!) just out of spite. Would it be a turn off? Huh, possibly. Would it be funny? For sure. Would it be embarrassing? ..maybe, but hopefully not.

And so she did exactly that and apparated to his home. One she’d only visited years and years ago.

It was just as grand as it was then. Probably a bit more wellkept now. Obviously so, since it had been 10 years since the war had struck.. since she’d been trapped inside that very cellar. And for a second, she just stood there, processing her memories. She was not going to let the sight of this house cause her to relapse, absolutely not. It had been years. Many years since then. She’d gotten over it. She didn’t need to think about it.

Slowly but steadily, she made her way through the gate and into the estate. The hedges were gorgeous, trimmed to perfection and even with the sun down, the lamps set every few steps along made everything look even more.. perfect. Draco really did live in the lap of luxury. He always had.

She walked to the door and used the snake-shaped door knocker (Christ!) a couple times, staring up at the tall hardwood door as it suddenly opened.

And of course, it was him. Him. In a blue cotton button up shirt and silky pyjamas. Cute.

“Good evening, Healer Y/L/N. Do come in. Nice outfit.” He took a step back and held the door open. “Good evening, Mr. Malfoy.” She stepped in, looking around curiously.

It was all different. Draco had switched up the layout considerably. Gone was the dark and gloomy aesthetic that had presided over the interior of the house before. Everything was white now. Off-white, perhaps, like the color you’d call marble. The palatial chandeliers still hung from the ceilings, but that was all that remained the same. Everything else was brighter. She was glad to see it was so.

“Having a look around, are we?”

“Well, what do you expect, Draco? It’s been.. so many years.. It looks beautiful, by the way.” “Thank you, interior design by yours truly.” “I thought as much.. your taste has improved a bit, I’d say.” She smiled up at him.

The change was definitely helpful towards her not feeling panicked at the sight of the place. It actually looked.. inviting, to some extent.

“Glad to hear you think so, Healer.” “Right, so, were you going to get to bed?” “This early? I thought we were going to have dinner first.” “I.. had some dinner at work. Quite a bit, actually.” “That’s too bad.. I just had Golby set out the table for us. Nice food too.”

“You can have it, if you like. I’m just here for work, am I not?” “.. Y/N..” He rolled his eyes. “No formalities between us, please.” “It’s not a formality. It’s protocol.”

He set his hand on her shoulder and she almost winced. “Please? For me?” “Ugh.. fine.”

***

Sitting beside him on the table brought back memories. Pleasant ones. Of all the times they had together. The first true ‘moment’ they had between them wasn’t one she liked looking back at all that much. It was unpleasant and could still trigger an anxiety attack.

But everything after..

She could remember the joy that had filled her upon seeing Draco stumble into Shell Cottage that same day. He was wounded, badly, but he was alive. He could be healed. She’d helped Fleur as much as she could with all the healing after that point, and she took up a mattress right next to where Draco had been put to sleep, and she took care of him, personally. He was beyond grateful, as he’d told her a few days later.

And she was beyond grateful to Harry and Ron. They’d actually listened to her when it would have been so easy to just ignore her. She knew they’d hated him like anything at school, and it had truly elated her to see Draco again, actually alive.

They’d spoken to Draco and he was actually willing to help them. He told them of the plans he knew the Death Eaters were working on. It wasn’t quite a lot to go off of, since apparently, You-Know-Who had begun to distrust the Malfoy family, but it was still helpful. Draco even told her he basically saved their lives by lying for them, and they’d basically returned the favour. She wasn’t sure about the specifics, really. All she knew was that they’d somehow balanced out what they owed each other.

They’d spent a while at Shell Cottage before being moved over to a different safe house. Draco was the Death Eater’s biggest target at that point, and he had grown very, very scared. For some reason, it was decided that the two of them would go to the Tonks’ house. To Andromeda’s house. To Draco’s estranged aunt’s house. He felt even more afraid.

She’d been shunned out of their family! All because she’d eloped with a muggle born. He was afraid she wouldn’t take much of a liking to him, but.. it was completely different to what he’d anticipated. She welcomed with open arms, treated him like her own son. Everything was just fine. Or at least that’s what it seemed like.

The ‘Battle of Hogwarts’ came to fruition before them and the two of them stayed far from it, the lack of wands rendering them useless in such chaos. Obviously, after the conflict, they were off in search of their families. Draco’s was glad to have him back alive, as was hers. They’d apparently fled from the country the instant they realised she’d been kidnapped by the Death Eaters.

But.. of course.. she was then forced to spend quite a lot of time at St. Mungo’s. PTSD. Thankfully, she was far from alone. Practically every other person even partly involved with the conflict was also undergoing some sort of treatment post war. And right after a particular therapy session, when Draco’d asked her to join him for a pint at the Leaky Cauldron, was when repressed feelings came out into the open and she kissed him.

And that was that, really.

They were inseparable for the next year. The ‘eighth years’ at Hogwarts, which consisted of several students looking to get the NEWT’s they’d missed out in the year prior, were banded together most of the time, and Draco and Y/N seemed to be joined at the hip. Well, until they weren’t anymore.

It was a mutual agreement. Neither of them were treating it very seriously and they had things to focus on. It ended on a positive note, with a little giggle between them and a hug. They were teenagers, after all.

But now, ten years later, she wasn’t sure why all those feelings were coming right back. Making her blush when he spoke to her. Goddammit. Why did Draco have to get cuter as he got older?

Soon enough, it was time for bed. They’d chatted for nearly an hour just at the dinner table and Y/N suggested he try sleeping earlier than usual, just for observation’s sake. And so he led her into his bedroom, shutting his door behind the two of them.

“Should I.. get you a mattress?”

“That would be nice.” “Actually.. wait... I..” She stared up at him curiously, smoothing back her hair. All of a sudden he grabbed ahold of both of her hands and pulled her forward, closer to him.

“Draco, I-”

“No, I have a confession to make…” He took a deep breath. “I might have had.. intentions.. calling you over here. Doing all of this, really.” “You.. what?” “I asked them to schedule my appointment with you instead. I kind of.. missed you.” “..Oh?” “I totally get it if you don’t want anything.. romantic with me. I’m fine just being friends. I.. I don’t think you’re in a relationship, but of course, I could be wrong.. I just.. I.. we were so good together, you know?” “We were.” “We just.. got each other. You were so kind to me. Why did we even.. end us..?”

“It was a mutual thing, remember?” “I know but.. I like you, you know?” That made her cheeks flush more than she’d care to admit.

“You do?” “I do. I.. didn’t really need the potion when we’d.. sleep together. You’d just.. I don’t know how you did it.. But I’d feel calm with you. Around you. There’s no better candidate for a healer, really. I was thinking that you’d be very, very good.. and I was right, you were. You.. did the right thing, didn’t you?”

This was so out of nowhere. She should be more shocked, shouldn’t she? But why was she feeling like she was on cloud nine?

“I like you too.” was all she could manage out. He looked at her for a second before giving her a wide, wide grin.

“I can’t believe you pretended you didn’t know it was me! Was that just because you couldn’t be arsed to get me chocolates or something?”

“Uh.. well.. Maybe.” He laughed and she did too, playfully hitting the side of his arm. “I’ll get you some if you want them so badly. I have.. better gifts to offer you.” He winked.

“Draco!” She shook her head.

“Fine. As you wish, Healer.” She just rolled her eyes at him and stared at him with the most sincere smile she could manage. He pulled her even closer towards him, bringing a hand up and setting it on her cheek. His eyes were suddenly on hers and she leaned up towards him, puckering her lips.

And then their lips met. It was the most familiar feeling in the world and yet the most electrifying. Everything was soft and sweet and perfect. All their wounds were healed and they knew anything that still hurt would only get better.

All was well.

#draco x reader #draco malfoy #draco malfoy x reader #draco #hp #draco imagine #hp imagine #draco malfoy imagine #fluff #romance #draco x female reader

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loxxxlay · 4 years

Text

Official note about Dark Thor Grandthorki fic and Semi-Hiatus

The Situation My Dumb Ambitious Ass Has Landed Itself In

Unfortunately, my big bang date has arrived a lot quicker than I expected it to. >.> On Friday, I’m expected to post the fic I’ve been working on since June. Don’t get me wrong, I have very much been working on it this whole time; unfortunately, I have also been doing quite a lot of exhausting things, including treatment for mental health and college classes. I’m suffocating in the stress of my last semester, which isn’t great for fanfic writing. T_T woe is meeee~

Because of ^, my dark-Thor grandthorki fic (god it needs a title too, huh) is incomplete and, no matter what, will not be completed by Friday (especially considering that all but one of my classes has something due this Friday, too, ugh). Luckily I did sign up for a solo track for big bang so no artist has been ill-used! Unluckily I have robbed some actually prepared & hard-working individual of a very lenient&late posting date. T_T Thus, I want to at least post something on Friday because it would be super inconsiderate and irresponsible of me otherwise, no matter how unprepared I am D:

So, here is what I have decided for my Big Bang/Dark Thor Grandthorki fic:

I am going to post the beginning chunk (about 10-15k words) of the fic! It will be posted as a WIP but as the spirit of the big bang is only to post a completed fic, the part I post will not end on any rudely patience-challenging cliffhanger. (Those who are still waiting for OoT and Figment of Choice to be complete, I am so so sorry lmfao, and this will not be anything like those cliffhangers.) In fact, I’m trying to make this chunk end on a note that is as complete as possible, while still being a WIP.

As for the quality of this beginning chunk... sigh... It’s definitely not my best writing ever since the only times I could work on it were unfortunately times where my writing skill was rusty and atrophied. >.> However, it’s definitely not my worst writing either lmao, so hopefully it will still be enjoyable! @veliseraptor will be betaing the part most recent and most clunky (I didn’t ask her to beta all of it because that would be super unfair in such a short time frame lmao), and until Friday I will be doing my best to polish the rest!

However! As the entire fic isn’t quite written/outlined, I’m nervous about posting this beginning chunk because of how future writing might require changes to be made. Therefore, the part I post is potentially gonna be subject to extreme changes once I start working on it again months from now. In other words, after I graduate, I’m gonna edit it, possibly change things that happen in it, depending on future scenes, and hopefully do it better justice.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Well, because I don’t want y'all to read this Dark Thor Grandthorki fic with high expectations! T____T I know a lot of you have been super excited and eager to read it after all the excerpts I’ve shown you and all the meta I’ve posted about it. I remember receiving a ton of asks about it back in the pique of me working on it. And.. like.. I know I say this a lot, but I genuinely mean it this time: This is not going to be my usual expected brand of (allegedly) good fic. This is gonna be at least a little disappointing. This is not to criticize myself. It’s just a fact based on how I’ve been writing it and how little I can edit it right now.

And I’m honestly super sad because this project has been so so so important and fun for me that I don’t want you to go in without knowing that it won’t be as good as I want it to be.

In fact, my biggest reason for telling you all this is to give everyone an OPTION to actually NOT read it on Friday. If you want to see it in its final form and its final form only, you can instead wait until I’ve actually had a chance to complete the entire fic, edit what needs editing, get it beta-ed, and feel prepared enough to stick to a regular posting schedule. Obviously I don’t care one way or another when you choose to read it--have at it if you don’t care about it being sub-par! ^_^ I just want you all to know where I’m coming from and be able to decide one way or another. So yeah. Feel free to decide whether you want to read the shittier version on Friday or whether you wanna save yourself for the less shitty version later!

Semi-Hiatus Info:

Initial Note: I’m not really going on any kind of hiatus. I’m changing nothing about what I’m doing recently. I’m just... officially acknowledging that I’ve got one foot in fandom right now and one foot out. And that it will continue to be like this until I graduate in December.

And sighhh, I know I say “ohhhh I will be so much more free and able to work on fandom stuff when this date arrives” again and again and again and nothing ever changes lmfao. But when I say I’ll be more free to work on stuff after December, I actually mean it lmfao because that is when I’ll be graduated from college. I’ve never been graduated from college my entire time in fandom, so you can trust that I’m not kidding around this time.

So yeah, in light of my recent silences/etc, please don’t think I’m disappearing. T_T I’m just really stressed and ... even though I try to lie to myself about it ... realistically ... it’s just not possible for me to do all the fandom stuff that I want to be doing right now. :( Especially as this final semester starts ramping up and finals week starts approaching. :/

Obviously, I’ll still be busy after I graduate. I’ll be looking for full-time work and be starting the process of moving out (I’m super excited!) But the mental energy I’ll need for writing won’t be used up by essays and papers and original creative writing classes! (Assuming I get a seat-warming job, crosses fingers lol.) So basically I’m just letting you all know that, despite my behavior, I haven’t forgotten anything! I just really don’t have time (yet).

For sake of knowing when you can expect things, here’s a list of the things I want to work on (starting December) in order of importance:

(honestly this is as much for my reference as yours lmao)

Commenting and reblogging this year’s Grandthorki Day fics! Very top priority, and if I get a free two seconds in my life, I’ll try to do some of this before semester ends too

Putting Grandthorki Rimworld streams into shorter view-able highlights instead of the full-streaming chunks that they currently are in (especially that 3-hour unwatchable one)

Finishing OoT

Commenting on the rest of the grandthorki fics that have been neglected in recent months

Finishing Moment of Peace

Finishing Figment of Choice

Completing the Big Bang/Dark Thor Grandthorki Fic

Going through my drafts to answer all the asks and recommend all the fic I’ve put there

Finishing that Whumptober Collection and/or Re-Doing Whumptober (because lets be real by the time all of this is done, it will probably be October haha)

Updating Happily Ever After

If I’m forgetting anything that you guys really have been wanting me to do, please let me know!

#sorry i just felt like i needed to say S o m e t h i n g because this has been weighing on me quite a bit the last several months #long post #blog maintenance #grandthorki for ts #dark thor #lox talks personal

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