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bazypitchandsimonsnow · 4 years

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Lack of Fics/Interaction Explanation

Heyyyy, idk if anyone has noticed or actually cares lol, but I wanted to explain my prolonged absence from fic writing/posting, because it's not ending anytime soon like I hoped. As some people may know I have a dizzying array of health problems. One of those is major depressive disorder, which essentially means I'm depressed most of the time. Mine tends to manifest as prolonged depressive spells that I come out of eventually. I've pretty much been caught in a depressive spell for almost half a year with very brief grace periods. Not fun.

Unfortunately, writing takes a lot of energy and I've had little to none for months due to the MDD. What used to take me hours to write now takes me days. Plus my motivation to do anything, let alone write, is just not there. When I do try, I'm slow and usually don't like what I make, which makes me more depressed so I stop writing. Then I'll try to write again a few days later because I feel slightly better and the same thing happens. It's a vicious cycle I've got myself caught in.

Some may have noticed I'm not commenting on/liking a lot of fics lately either. Truth is seeing others write amazing snowbaz fics makes the awful part of me super jealous and more depressed. It's not that I want everyone to be miserable like me, I just want to be able to create again and I'm sad that I can't write like these other incredible authors can. Seeing others do so is too painful for me rn. It's awful and self centred, I know, it's just what my stupid mentally ill brain is doing rn.

Sidenote: I want to send out a general message of love and pride to all you amazing snowbaz writers who's works I haven't been able to bring myself to read. You're doing great and making great things, thank you for contributing to this awesome fandom's fics ❤️

Fun fact: I put way too much pressure on myself. If I'm not writing I feel useless and like I'm wasting my time, which leads to more depression. Basically too much of my identity and self worth is dependent on my ability to create. So now after months of increasing pain, resentment, self loathing, and general sadness, I'm trying to break the cycle because I need to break that toxic mindset. I haven't tried to write anything for four days (a record for me, I used to write everyday) and have just been relaxing, reading comics, watching stuff, trying to not internally punish myself for being unable to write. It's going okay. I still feel bleh but I'm starting to regain perspective and stop being mad at myself for not creating. Hopefully soon, I'll find that spark again and finish something. But I can't guarantee when that'll be. For now I'm gonna keep chilling, maybe even read some snowbaz fics again if I can. We'll see.

So yeah, if anyone was wondering, that's where I've been. Mostly just laying in bed watching cartoons and being sad lol. Hopefully my next update on my Mentally Ill Life will be in a fic note. Anyway, hope you all have a good night 😊

#long post #mentl illness tw #depression tw #theo spends way too much time talking about themself #idk if this is needed #i just need to put this out i think #t talks

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thesentientmango · 5 years

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Fatherhood

Do I write sickfic a lot? Yes. Did I write another one? Also yes!

Tw- sickness, coughing, food mentioned, medicine mentioned, fainting

Patton's groggy state when he first woke up was the first sign something was off. Patton was usually a morning person! He was always up bright and early, almost an hour before Roman, his eldest kid, would wake up.

Today however when his alarm went off it felt like there was a tremendous pressure on his head. His sinuses were blocked, and he couldn't stop coughing. Patton sat up as he started to hack again. He ran a shakey hand over his warm face. He didn't have time to be sick! His kids needed his to be well, he couldn't make them take care of themselves, what kind of a parent would he be then?

So Patton drew himself out of bed, and stumbled down the the kitchen. He was ten minutes later then he normally was, he needed to hurry up. "You're fine," Patton told himself. "You're fine."

Patton set a pan on the stove, trying to get into the normal swing of things, but he just couldn't keep his head up. Patton held his head in his hands as his temples throbbed.

Time felt like it was moving slowly, and after what felt like an hour the pan was hot. Patton began to crack eggs into the pan, he could make them easily. They didn't require much thought.

Another coughing fit started, shaking Patton's entire body, and bringing tears to his eyes. His throat was sore, his chest was tight, his head hurt. He couldn't think.

He sat down on the floor, and pressed his head against the metal outside of the dishwasher. It was cool. It felt good.

"Dad?"

Patton jerked his head up, Roman was kneeling in front of him, a frown on his face.

"Dad are you okay?"

Patton plastered a smile on his face, as he stood up, maybe a little to fast, because his vision swam, and he had to steady himself on the counter.

"Yeah kiddo! I'm okay! Just a little tired, that's a--" Patton was betrayed by his voice giving way to a flurry of coughs.

Roman narrowed his eyes, and grabbed Patton's arm. "Come on Dad, I'll take care of breakfast. You need rest. You don't look, well pardon my bluntness Padre, but you look really pale and sick."

Patton nodded, but the suddenness of the head movement made him dizzy. Roman had let go of his arm, to flip the eggs on the stove, so when Patton attempted to take a step, nothing stopped him from stumbling, and falling to the ground.

"Dad!"

Patton woke up nestled on the living room couch, blankets and pillows scattered all over. A soothing weight was pressed against his chest. Patton blinked his eyes open slowly, his 2 year old kid, Virgil, was nestled on his chest. Virgil had a tight grip on Patton's shirt, and was breathing slowly.

A soft smile crossed Patton's face, however the moment was quickly squandered by a harsh string of chest coughs.

Virgil quickly woke up and immediately started to cry. Patton sat up hugging Virgil, he started to whisper in Virgil's ear, "Shh, shh, it's okay. It's okay."

"Hey Dad." Logan walked in, taking his crying brother from his dad. Logan bounced Virgil soothingly, "Shh, it's okay Vee. It's okay."

Logan smiled tightly at his dad. "Hey, um Roman burnt the eggs, so we ordered some breakfast, I hope you don't mind."

Patton rubbed his eyes tiredly, chuckling gently, "Yeah, okay thanks for letting me know kiddo." Patton made a mentle note to teach Roman how to cook.

"Yo nerdo!" Roman called from the kitchen, "Is Dad okay?"

Logan rolled his eyes, "What exactly is your definition of okay? He's awake, but still ill."

"So he's good! Thanks Specs! Is our littlest stormcloud okay?"

Logan glanced down foldly at his little brother who was asleep, clinging to Logan's shirt. "Yeah. Yeah he's okay."

Patton smiled gently, his kiddos were growing up. They were taking care of each other. It was adorable.

Patton coughed again, and Logan frowned, "Dad, where is the medicine? You clearly require some."

Patton smiled, "I can get it kiddo!" Patton tried to stand up, but before he could Logan was pushing him back down with his free hand.

"No. Rest. I'll ask Roman."

Five minutes later Logan returned, Virgil still on his hip, with a bottle of cold medicine in his hand. Roman followed shortly after, with a glass of water.

To set an example for his kids he took the medicine without complaint, and soon after the doorbell rang.

"That must be the food!" Roman exclaimed, "I'll get it!"

Patton chuckled, "Nope! That's my job!" Patton stumbled to his feet, and through the dizziness, he made his way to the door, grabbing his wallet on the way.

After struggling through human interaction, he brought the food inside, and collapsed back onto the couch, dissolved in a puddle of hacking coughs.

Roman ran his hand through his Dad's hair. "I'm going to get Vee some food before he has a melt down. Try and get some sleep. You need it."

Patton nodded, lying down on the couch, soon to be swept into a dreamless sleep.

General Writing Tag List: (please let me know if you want to be added or removed!)

@your-friendly-neighborhood-enby @yourelost-itsokay @thirteenashmctrash @fluff-marry-kill @4ngstyc00kie @treasureofpriam @remythehero @grayson-22 @amazu-kusuri @sander-sideblog @availe

#sick patton #sickfic #coughing #illness mentioned #illness #fainting #food tw #food mention #dad!patton #kid!logan #kid!roman #kid!virgil #logan sanders #sanders sides #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #mangowrites

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