so hypersexual episodes make you feel like ass apparently (covered in blood)

catch me deliberately ignoring the fact that i will not be seeing my gf for 2 weeks

So, I'm also mentally ill, and I really don't understand why you think it violates your personal rights for you to be held accountable for taking the medication that keeps you stable, safe, and functional.

Do you think you should be allowed to act inappropriately because of your illness? Do you think you should be allowed to possibly hurt yourself and others? Do you have delusions about the healthcare system or medication? Do you dislike being stable or lucid? Like, why do you think that it's okay to neglect your mental health conditions and make people around you feel concerned or scared for your safety? Do you think that people shouldn't take meds in general, or just you?

Personally I enjoy being stable and healthy and I don't understand why you want to put yourself and others through distress. It seems like internalized ableism mixed with self harm tbh. I hope you get better someday and learn to love yourself when you're stable instead of hiding in your psychosis and hurting yourself and others.

it's actually ableist to come and assume that I'm violent and unsafe simply because im schizophrenic. ive been off my antipsychotics for nearly 2 years now, under the supervision of my doctor and psychologist, I have no such delusions about the healthcare system - once again, it is ableist for you to say a schizophrenic MUST be delusional for not wanting to go on medication. it is ableist for you to assume I MUST be a danger to myself or others because I am schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to come in here and be so fucking condescending, explaining things to the obviously insane schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to say I MUST not be stable or lucid. it is ableist of you to say I MUST be acting inappropriately. bro im just in fucking work. it is ableist of you to say i MUST be neglecting my mental health when I'm not on medication when I thought it was widely understood that medication is not the only answer.

I am not in distress and I do not cause distress. you've completely misunderstood my stance, just because medication works for you does not mean it works for everyone. my stance is that it violates bodily autonomy to force medication down my throat or strap me down and inject me with medication I did not consent to taking. either you did not understand that or you don't care, and you think people with mental illnesses should be stripped of their autonomy.

absolutely nobody is scared for my safety. I was discharged from the psychosis intervention services with my psychologist saying he feels incredibly positive about my recovery. I am a supervisor in charge of a team of people in my work and im on my way to a management position. for the record, I may still have periods of instability, but therapy and learning healthy coping mechanisms has been far more helpful than 5 years of a medication that gave me amnesia. and the medication didn't even stop the symptoms, they just put me in a chemical straitjacket.

how dare you come in to my inbox and spew ableism and assume things about me. get off my blog.

✨ Getting my life together ✨

to be very honest, i've been feeling kinda awful this last couple of weeks, and i haven't been able to do anything but stress over exams and complain about my life. today this will end.

So here's a hopeful but realistic list of habit's I'll try to implement

🏋🏾‍♀️ 1: Im going to start working out again.

Not everyday at first, and i still have to understand if it works better for me to work out in the morning or at night. Ideally im going to rotate between: arms/abs workouts, youtube ballet classes (there's a youtuber that seems to have great adult ballet videos, and its a chill way for me to work out), and hopefully going on walks on fridays, since i have the morning off, when it's not raining.

🫗2 : Im going to do the dishes right after i use them

i dont even hate doing the dishes, i dont know how i accumulate so many shit. But i do, and then i have no clean dishes and that makes me not want to cook, and delay eating lunch and stuff like that. SO DO YOUR DISHES!!!

💊 3: im gonna go to the pharmacy to get my meds and actually take them

self explanatory, ive been super anxious about taking my adhd meds, since im going to try to take a more intense dose than im used to, and i was a bit scared bc of side effects but my friend has already calmed me down a bit about it

🖋️ 4. Im goint to try to post more regularly and journal more

4.1. Post more regularly

It helps me get excited and motivated about studying, so self explanatory

4.2. Journalling

Everything is being so weird rn. My friends are acting so weird, two of them are basically ignoring me, and other two are acting super shitty towards me and another friend. It's super messy, and we don't know why everyone is being off, so i think i need to let all this negativity out of my system and reflect about this, and see if i could also be in the wrong in this situation

🧹 5. Im going to be more organized, and try to keep my room tidied

💖 6. Im going to try to spend more time with people that actually recharge my energy, instead of people that just stress me more and make me more upset

📜 7. Im going to try new places to study, since my usual ones haven't been working as well for me

and there's more to go, but i don't want to be too optimistic, Im going to be happy if I actually manage to keep half of those for more than a week lol

EXPLORER SHENANIGANS PT.1

200 followers special

synopsis: you, a famous youtuber known for exploeimg abandoned buildings with your friend jaz, come across freddy fazbears, you stumble inside not knowing there was security

warnings: i domt proof read my fics, if u dont like it then leave

-----------–—-18+ MINORS DNI----------—-–—-–

you, a famous youtuber known for exploring abandoned buildings and places, along with your friend, jaz.

you were streaming on youtube,in your backyard, talking to your fans asking them to reccomend places for you to explore, you were reading the chat with jaz

"a abandoned hospital?" you looked at jaz, she replied "thats too dangerous, ive hearf that hey have radioactive shit" she chuckled

"yeah true, oooohh someone said freddy fazbears thr pizzarea that 5 kids went missing in, thats a good one actually, i thinkd it'd be fun to explore that place, i dont think theres any security there" you looked at jaz " thats actually such a good idea!" she replied

you stared at the chat, everyone agreeing for you to go visit freddys.

"i think we should go, what time is it jaz?" u asked

"its 10:38" she replied, "think nows a good time?" u asked

"yeah, lets go collect our things, ill carry the cameras and you stream" she said

you were talking to the screen "okay guys were gonna pause the stream for a bit to get prepared, we'll stream again once were ready" you waved at the camera and paused to stream

you went inside, changing your clothes, grabbing a mini med kit just incase, and a pocket knife along with aa gas mask, you were always prepared before exploring abandoned places after you explored a school once with no equipment and you found fungus and some physcopath living inside it

"im gonna start the stream again lemme just grab my keys" you said

you were walking to your car, you opened the stream again "alright were back, time to go explore freddys!!" "woooo"

"i dont know if we should be scared honestly, i mean 5 kids got 'killed' in there apparently and there were some missing people a few days ago with their cars parked outside freddys" you said nervously

"lets not think about that, think about what we could find! i mean.. afterall we used to go here as kids." jazz said trying to reasure you

"okay were here" you said, parking your car

you turned the keys, shutting the car off, you opened the door and got oit of the car "oh my gof this ppace looks creepy as fuck!" jaz said, staring up at the flickering sign

"yeah, alright lets find a way in"

you found the door, it was open? weird, you said to yourself

"whys it opened?" "bet you theres some other peoppe exploring in here, lets me careful dunni what theyre capable of"

you walked down the short stairs, leading into a dark hallway, you walked and walked till you reached the stage room

"oh my god! i remember this room from when i was a kid!" jaz said excitedly, walkimg around the games studying them

"do you think they work?" you said

"theres no power, maybe if we find a power switch?"

"good idea come on!" you ran across the hallway, looking for a electricity room, you also stopped along the way to explore other rooms "found it!" you said

"alright lets try this" you said, turning your camera to face the lever you were about to pull, "3.... 2..... 1!" you pulled it down, lighting the pizzarea up, the lights making slight buzzing noises

you went back to the stage room, trying out the games

you didnt notice a guy coming through the wide door

"hey! youre not supposed to be here" he said. the guy looked like he'd just woken up from a nap

"and who're you..?" yous said

"security", he said followed by a yawn

you and jaz turned to face him,

"arent you those youtubers?" he said

"yeah- sorry about this tho didnt know there was security" jaz said

"look ill make an exception, you can hangout around jere for abit aslong as you dont break anything"

"really?!- thank you so much-..?"

"names mike"

"thank you mike!"

you and jaz played some games, mike was sitting by on a table.

then he spoke up "righy- how'd yall get in here?" "the door was opened" you replied "shit i forgot to lock it, be right back" he went to lock the door, u and jaz having the time of your life playing the arcade games

mike came back while you were both trying a basketball game, "lemme try" mike said, walking up to the stand he threw the ball, landing it into the hoop

he raised aa first up and yelled "wooo!"

u both laughed, trying to score a hoop, then you heard mike say "i know a few tricks to these games, theyre all rigged" he laughed

soon enough, it was 5am, mikes shift was about to end "okay so my shifts about to end- you guys should definetley come by tomorrow tho, today was fun" he said, a genuine smile on his face

his smiles pretty cute, u smile back, jaz turned to you raising and eyebrow at you

"thatd a good idea mike, we'll come by tomorrow, thank you for tonight really and thanks for not kicking us out!!"u said, making your way out of the building to your car

you got in your car, jaz said "holy shit that was so fun"

"litteraly ohh my gooodd" u added

you drove all the way back to your house, you and jaz have been living together for almost a ywar, you bought the house when your youtube channel took off so you could make more content

you edited the video, and posted it on youtube before going to sleep

once you woke up, you noticed the video had over 5million views, thats a record for you

"JAZ JAZ!!" you yelled "look oh my god"you added excitedly "holy shit? in SEVEN HOURS????" "YESS! we also gained 300K more subscribers from it"

"the freddy thing really worked out i guess"yo u said chuckling slightly

you spent your day home with jaz, untik you got an idea "jaz wanna get some snacks? we could watch a movie" "good idea, ill go get dressed"

you both got dressed, heading to the car to go to the supermarket nearby simce you were runnung low on snacks

the moment you got there, you noticed a familiar car, didnt think anything about it though

you walked inside, picking up a few snacks, you turned around to hed to thw other aisle, and you caught a glimpse of mike, with a little kid? he has a kid?

he noticed you, you went up to him.

"heyy, how are you" you said with a smile on your face

"im good! whatre you doing here?" he said

"nothing kust picking up some snavks, i disnt know you had a kid" you said, staring at the little girl who looked to be around 9

"oh abby? shes my sister not my kid, im raising her though because my parents uh- my dad left and my moms dead and stuff"

"im so sorry about that, anyways me and jazz might come by tonight, last time was fun" after that, you said your goodbyes and continued shopping, seeing him every few minutes, either waving or smiling each time you saw him.

May 8th

Yesterday was orientation at my new job. I had the worst anxiety the day before and of orientation. A couple days ago I found out I was dropped by my insurance. I had to pay full price for my dr visit then found out my Zoloft is $243 without insurance. So I had to make my last few days stretch and with missing doses I’m completely out of my mind with anxiety. I was crying and shaking before my orientation yesterday. I just found out about an app that can drastically lower my Zoloft costs so I will pick it up tomorrow. Also when I get really scared I always try to blame it on my transition so for the second time in like 2 months I sent a message to planned parenthood asking how to stop my hormones followed by another message saying “oh nevermind I want to stay on hormones I just need therapy sorry”. So now I’m super worried what they think and worried they will take my prescription away. Which I don’t blame them if they do because I’m a complete fucking idiot. Hopefully they won’t think too much of it but like I said I did this once before a couple months ago. Hopefully they will call and I can explain myself. I want to stay on my hormones more than anything even if I have to do it in private the rest of my life. Anyways Home Depot is intimidating as hell. It’s even worse I’m so heavy because I have absolutely no self confidence around the other people there. I’m really sabotaging myself in every way. My anxiety is so crazy. I woke up at 4am which was about an hour ago and can’t sleep. When is it going to click?? When am I going to prioritize my health?? I’m freaking out about my hormones being take. Away although I can have over a month left of them at home I’m sure I can figure something out if then end up taking my prescription away for acting crazy. Not being on my Zoloft for a couple days has my anxiety going nuts. I’m just not in a good place. I’m going to try and lay back down and sleep. I work tomorrow and every weekday for the next two weeks YIKES. So I’m going to diet very hard like try not to eat much at all. Maybe try the 5 bite diet again. If I was very thin it would help my self confidence and anxiety exponentially!!! I’m going to get my meds tomorrow morning and pray everything goes smoothly. Hopefully planned parenthood calls and I can explain myself and bed them not to stop my hormones. Let’s see how tomorrow goes. Thank God for tumblr. I’m so fkn lucky to have this outlet. Getting this worry out to this journal helps immensely!!!! I hope I can fall back asleep. Please please please God, universe, guardian angel, anything out there please help make my life better. Please 🙏🏻 Ok im going to try and sleep. My alarm goes off in an hour and a half yuck.

Brain Dump

I started my adhd meds again for the first time in 2 years and my brain is like hey. We got a lot of thinking to do so here you go. My current fixation as I sit on the bed telling myself to clean and wash my damn sheets im covered in.

——-

Me: I just feel so ugly

Him: you are beautiful and good. You just have one defect and you know what it is. (I’m kind of a ho who lies when I think imma be in trouble😩)

Me: you too. You are handsome and good. You just have one defect and you know what it is. (He’s insecure and jealous)

Him: do you want to marry me?

Me: yes

Him: ok good

Me: ok…😍😂 wtf, Alej

———

I think we are both broken children just trying to make it through life and it’s sad and ugly sometimes. But a lot of times it’s really passionate and beautiful.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. This isn’t new news. We’ve talked about marriage before. I’m there. He’s there. I have a ring. he called it a pre engagement ring. And I’m like so a promise ring? And he’s like no. PRE! Lol. but it’s NOT an engagement ring. I don’t care but he does.

Speaking of. He’s more traditional than I’m willing to ever be again. I will never cook every single night. I will never commit to do things like that on a forever basis again. Sometimes I’m scared he will be disappointed in that. But I haven’t faked it these past 2 years. He’s gotta know exactly what he’s getting with me.

It’s just challenging because he’s an immigrant who still has a wife in Mexico. They married super young. they’ve been separated 25 years. She lives with her ‘fiance’/boyfriend etc. but she refuses to sign the divorce papers. Every few months she dangles signing the divorce papers in front of him, asks for money, he pays her, she disappears til the next time she needs money. Currently she’s saying she will sign the papers and he’s just done being used. I keep thinking maybe she means it this time. But he knows her better. He wants to go back to Mexico to sort it out but *I* don’t want him to bc it’s so fucking dangerous coming back. He’s got 3 kids and his mom here. Please don’t leave me to care for them all if you die. Lands alive.

That’s another obstacle. The mom doesn’t want to live with me. SAME😳 but I’d at least attempt it for the good of the whole family. She said absolutely not. He said absolutely not. She wants/needs her own place when me and him get married. Have you seen rent now a days? How will we afford a place for 5 kids, and then at least 2 bedrooms for her? (For when she has his girls). Lol. He doesn’t seem concerned about this part, but I am.

I have an evil ex who put in the child custody agreement that I’m not allowed to live with a significant other unless we are married 🙄bc yes let’s do this again. otherwise I wouldn’t care so much. Like we are two years in. I’d rather just live together. Test the waters. and fuck marriage prior to that just bc of how bad it’s been in my history. But I do see myself being with him forever. So it’s fine. Whatever. Except we can’t bc his ‘ex’. Brah

I just feel chatty and already talked his ear off🙈

I texted every girlfriend I know and they’ve all stopped responding bc I’m talking too much. Send help

I feel like I’m chronically not okay but idk if I’m valid enough to label myself as chronically ill. I am able to work 40h a week but with the cost of laying in bed the rest of the day when I’m back home. In the weekends I sleep mostly. My room is a disaster because I never have the energy to tackle the chaos. I wished I was able to walk to work and back but standing for more than 15 min is already exhausting me and I get dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly in pain, my normal pain level is on good days at a 2 on bad days it’s at a 4 or 5 but maybe I’m too modest about my pain due to fear of admitting I’m not okay. I am always tired even if I sleep usually enough. At times I feel more refreshed with only 4 hours of sleep hell knows why. I am waking up daily at 5:45am to get myself ready for 8am work. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be a functioning adult. I am scared of the moment I will unmask bcs im masking daily due to Audhd. Plus daily I’m confused because we are often switching and my quality at work at times fluctuating and my TLs wondering wtf bcs we know u know all the processes so wtf. Daily I feel like I know only a specific part of the processes and I have days where I ask so many questions that one of the TLs told me they are growing gray hairs bcs of me asking so much. The doctors in my country are shit when I mentioned suspecting we are a system they said nah it’s just ur anxiety. When I questioned if I have adhd my former psych said nah only kids can have it. My former therapist said yeah after unofficially diagnosing me with it. Autism I suspect that too and I got my confirmation more or less from my bf who’s on the spectrum as well. He got his confirmation he has adhd as well by me noticing lots of adhd things in him and he has now meds whilst me is in this godforsaken country that isn’t taking me seriously. I got my confirmation I have adhd when I took speed and realised for the first time "so this is how neurotypicals experience their life?" I for once had a train of thoughts in order and not a carambolage of luggage’s getting stuck in the baggage claim belt. I sobbed so hard. On good days I am able to remember and memorise lots of shit. But on bad days I barely anything. My body is out of control. I have pcos and it’s ravaging my body. I grow hair on my chin and arms and it’s making me uncomfortable and I developed anxiety about having hair in my face to the point over pluck and over shave it. My period is out of control. I either bleed for 2 months consecutive or I don’t have my period for 6 months. I am anemic due to it. I am such a pale human that I’m constantly being asked if I am okay. Oh yeah not to forget having an autoimmune disease since I am 2 years old. Having to deal with psoriasis break outs each winter where I end up being covered on my legs, arms , ass with skin patches of psoriasis. At times it’s even in my eyebrows and on my scalp. Each winter is a torture for me. I am battling with depression as well. Luckily this last year it wasn’t so overbearing and I felt more human than I used to in the past. Nonetheless my anxiety is ravaging and leaving me crippled daily. I sound ridiculous talking about myself rn bcs in my brain I feel like you aren’t this sick or unwell you are faking this you are a horrible human for saying all this things but I know it’s probably my internal ableism and the internal critical subconsciously developed voices of my surroundings telling me I’m not actually sick and I need to go to work even if sick etc. Sigh. Idk where I wanted to go with this whole post. I know you guys don’t see often a personal post from me or posts from me and more reblogs of stuff I enjoy seeing and stuff I wanna boost and stuff I find important or relatable or stuff that I think might make someone feel better and less anxious or feel seen. I hope this is fine. I hope being more real is helpful. Maybe I should do this rambling on my other blog @unfilteredrealities where I tried to talk about life in a real way , unfiltered. You can even send in your own submissions if u want to.

Anyway thanks for reading my ted talk.

TLDR: I don’t know if I’m actually chronically ill and if I’m valid enough to label myself as that and then I rambled about my life experiences with audhd, did, anxiety, depression, pcos, psoriasis and there are more but I’m exhausted.

Kittyclan- Clangen game yr 2 update!

Im probably not going to draw much for my clangen games anymore, just bec I want to focus on my warriors designs! But I do want to keep playing my clangen clans and posting about them!

Sooo my plan is to post under my tags #cryptid plays clangen and #kittyclan with little updates as things happen in the game! (I may also start posting about other clans I make as well!)

I think this will be a fun side thing to have on the blog hehe

Now I was going to do another drawing challenge for Kittyclan's second year, but like i said, im not going to do that anymore! sooo instead here's an update on what happened to Kittyclan in their second year! If you want context for what happened previously, heres the yr one post!

Here is the Clan now after 24 moons!

The clan has only had one death, and has gained 7 new cats!

1. Butterpaw and Cheesepaw were born to Milkystar and Fredheart at the beginning of the year! I named them Cheese and Butter bec I thought it would be cute if Milkystar's kits were named after things that are made from milk hehe

2. Lintheather dreamt of a prophecy and Beanzsong helped him work it out... so I wonder what that was about... Also this means Lint may be making friends with someone? Maybe? plz sir make some friends u r so lonely

3. Later Nilesrump, a former kittypet, is found by Lint and joins clan! I wonder if Niles had something to do with the prophecy!

4. Good things did not keep hapening however bec like a moon after Niles joined the clan Fluttershy DIED!! VIA AN ATTACK!!

I think this is a sign that some of the other clans in Kittyclan's forest are not so inviting to this new clan of loners and kittypets... They must be VERY mad bec Fluttershy was a med cat! they murdered a med cat!!!

5. three moons later another attack accured! I have to assume that Beanzsong was attacked by annother clan's angry warriors and that Fredheart had to protect him!

Fred was injured so badly he had to retire to the elders den early!

6. during the same moon, after their father had to retire, Cheese and Butter were made apprentices, and when they became apprentices they both became vengeful cats... I thin k they are very mad about what happened to their father, and they want vengeance on the cats who did this!

Also! Lintheather is Butterpaw's mentor bec the boy deserved to get an apprentice, he's a great teacher and I think he really wanted to be a mentor! And! due to the clan loosing a med cat so suddenly, Jessicapond chose to take on Cheesepaw as a new apprentice! Lets hope Cheese gets over being vengeful bec I have no clue how that would effect his work as a med cat heh...

7. Emitail and Flowerdusk join the clan during the same moon! Emitail is an ex-kittypet and Flowerdust is a disgrased deputy... Maybe Flowerdusk was the deputy of the clan that has been attacking Kittyclan, and he was kicked out for disagreeing with them!

8. In the last few moons of the year Flightkit is dropped off by his mom and Moorstalk, and ex-kittypet, joins the clan!

There are a few updates in the way of relationships too...

Milkystar and Fredheart continue to have the most conflicting relationship ever, do they like each other orrr no? I have no clue... Its a love hate relationship.

Sweetpea also continues to be not close to her leader at all despite being deputy, and continues to be Fredheart's bff

Butterpaw and Cheesepaw are like SUPER bonded, they are very close, which I think is adorable, but also they scare me bec they are currently a vengeful duo

there is also a little bit of drama happening between Beanzsong, Lintheather and Creatureivy bec Beanz and Lint both have little crushes on Creature, and Creature returns both of those little crushes! I want to see if any of those relationships progress bec I would love to have a healthy mates relationship in this clan lol

Also just ignore the fact that Lint has feelings for Jessicapond, Jessica is WAY too old for Lint! So im choosing to ignore that one... Tho I am worried that they will become mates on their own bec they both have feelings for each other :(

Anyways! thats pretty much it so far! Im going to just do small posts as thing happen from now on, but I wanted to catch yall up on what's happening!

hey, my therapist thinks i might be bipolar and I’m really scared. it makes sense but it’s not something that I had thought about

I don’t know what to do what if I am bipolar??? im so worried that my friends will see me in a different way and I can’t loose them, I need them there all I have. I don’t know anyone that is bipolar and I have no support groups for bipolar disorder near me the closest one is almost 4 hours away. are people really going to see me so differently? Is being bipolar as bad as it sounds? Would meditation help or make it worse? I know nothing and I’m so worried about what’s going to happen. I know nothing about being bipolar. I’m sorry for the rambling I don’t know what to do, I’m just looking for help here.

-Axel

Hey there, sorry for my rambling, and thanks for stopping by.

Basically, I can assure you that all of us who were diagnosed went through something like this.

It's a long process, not gonna lie, but a good way to start is researching this condition. If you like books, fiction, or nonfiction (though I suggest non-fiction first), a quick google search will give you plenty of suggestions. My fav being Kay Redfield Jamieson, p.h.d. There are also movies, some more realistic than others. Probably among the top three is "Touched with Fire".

Anyway, once you get the basics and perhaps come to the conclusion that your therapist was right, you step on the path towards recovery and acceptance. (Not talking about full recovery since bipolar is a chronic condition)

1. You are still you

I know how deeply profoundly sucky the point of view becomes. You might see life through lenses of this illness, even yourself, your interests, and so on. But the cliché is true: your illness doesn't define you.

2. Acceptance isn't linear

Maybe unconventional, but I found that worrying and thinking about bipolar 24/7 made it worse. Some days I'll feel normal, some days I'll curse the day I was born. I'll mourn the losses I suffered from this illness, but I also will remember that there are is light.

3. This illness is dangerous

So many of us underestimated the consequences( of particularly mania). Depression is well known nowadays, but mania is often romanticised, glorified, and brushed aside. Meds, if prescribed, are your weapon.

4. What happened sucks, but...

Reexamine your life, goals, ambitions, needs, and wants. Even though I refused to accept the diagnosis at first, I still forced the evaluation. Because I felt my life was ruined, I, for the first time, realized what was truly important to strive for. Plus, I got rid of many universal bad habits. But it's okay to take time. Please take time, self care and love are priorities.

5. Let others be

This is probably the hardest part. Some people never tell they are bipolar. But having Carrie Fisher for an inspiration made me stop hiding. Either way, some will leave, and some will stay. It's not your job to educate them, to force their narrow views wide, to in any way lose your energy over their ignorance. BUT. Others will actually try to understand. Your friends, I dare say, will want to help, be there, because you are you, and this is just an illness. Be patient and kind with those. Family is trickier, but in the end, they love you. Remember, when someone leaves, it's their loss. However, in the 21st century, people tend to be more open-minded. I never received a negative comment from my peers. When I "came out," people were kind and gentle, even though I expected them to start throwing stuff at me, literally.

I am certain that you will find your own way of dealing with this load. You will grow and evolve, like a beautiful flower, and this will seem easier, with each step down the road. You can find many successful and happy people with this condition. I personally cannot live without mediation, yoga, my dog, my wonderful friends, and yearly Skam rewatches. These keep me grounded, even when I punch my pillow in frustration, because goddamn universe why me.

Finding your way is therapeutic. the internet offers great advice, people gave great lectures, and you can even find podcasts, specifically about bipolar disorder. But in the end, it's just an illness, yes, a giant part of you, but also the unimportant part. Your thoughts, emotions, interests, desires, and more - this is you - and more. and more. infinite. a whole universe. perfect. While bipolar is merely a dot. And if you two are ever in opposition, my bet will always be on you.

If this is remotely close to an answer, I am glad. If not, my dms are open. Or if I can help in any way, don't hesitate to let me know. With Love,

x

It's a totally random ask, I just checked the time and thought you're probably in the hospital rn, and then I realised it's been a while since you updated us on pretty nurses situation 💅🏼

(anyone cuter than Vidya perhaps? 👀)

🩺Aria's Top Ten Nurses 🏥

because sitting in the hospital for hours on end is boring so we make dumb little lists to pass the time which you absolutely do not have to read lol

(cw: theres a photo of an IV line in my arm under the cut)

#10 - Gary (vascular access technician)

ultimate gruff old dad. excellent banter. always tells me to keep out of trouble when he's done setting my lines. finger guns for days. he's only coming in 10th bc he tried to convince me to get a permanent line fitted and the concept of that terrifies me (hence why i have instead opted for over a hundred individual injections to date)

#9 - Cincy (chemo ward nurse)

incredibly soft spoken. shy to the point of painful. apologises for everything. she was there on the day of the pincushion tally high score, and even though my veins have recovered a lot since then, she always has a look of fear in her eyes when she goes to set my lines. I'm sorry Cincy, please stop being so scared of me.

#8 - Olivia (chemo ward nurse)

peak tsundere ice queen. super pretty. magically long black hair. has never smiled in her life. pretty sure she secretly enjoys inflicting pain on people, because she always sets the cannula in my cephalic vein (beneath the thumb on the side of the wrist) to "give my dorsal arch veins some time to recover" and HOLY FUCK THEY HURT. one time she laughed* at one of my jokes and it was the best day of my life.

*it was a begrudging huff of air through her nose and then she rolled her eyes, but it counts dammit.

#7 - Claire (clinic nurse)

tiny Irish lady. always got too much on her plate. why does she run everywhere. always makes me giggle when she does my obs and pre-checks bc my meds sound funny when you say them with an Irish accent. Claire please sit down for like 10 minutes, i beg, you're making me tired.

#6 - Kelly (chemo ward nurse)

only been my nurse once or twice, but i do remember that one time she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she started choking and had to excuse herself, and the resultant ego boost has shot her up to place #6 on this list

#5 - Warren (vascular access technician)

OMFG Warren you pretty motherfucker. why are so many of these nurses in their late twenties/early thirties and ludicrously hot? this guy looked at me with his big brown eyes and soothing voice, held my hand while he applied some anaesthetic and told me "that's it, good, you're doing so well love". Warren how do you expect me not to fall in love with you??? that is EXACTLY how Vidya got me

#4 - Jax (chemo ward nurse)

i met them on their first day in the chemo ward. they were just supposed to be observing that day -- unfortunately what they observed was the pincushion tally high score. Sorry Jax.

(i.e. they witnessed Cincy and Farah puncturing the ever loving fuck out of my every available vein, failing to set line after line, apologising to me profusely over the course of like half an hour, and then the vascular access team coming in to rescue us all and set my line via ultrasound instead.)

that was a fun one lol.

#3 - Vidya (chemo ward nurse)

the one, the only, my actual wife!!!! 💖🌈 im half convinced she was the product of a fever dream, because one: how is this woman both fucking gorgeous and SO sweet and caring? and two: her shifts have changed and i barely see her these days. Come back Vidya i miss you 😭😭😭

#2 - Farah (chemo ward nurse)

another super pretty nurse! was delighted when i told her tumblr was still a thing. unironically says "slay" and "omg yass!". compliments my outfits without fail every time i go in for treatments. got extremely excited the first time she set a canula in one go after the pincushion tally high score debacle, and then told me "damn girl, you traumatised me that day" lol. Sorry Farah

#1 - Tori (chemo ward nurse)

Tori is my BRO. our banter game is excellent. (she's also super pretty lol). always tells me when there is good shit in the fridge. been my nurse so often that she just feels like a pal. sneaks into the admin office to make sure my appointments are at lunchtime or later (instead of like 8am) whenever she can. once told me it was her opinion as a medical professional that i should treat myself to bubble tea and ice cream.

Congrats Tori, you win the nurse rankings and my entire heart forever!! 💖💖💖

(but so does Vidya bc I am a fucking simp for that woman lbr)

Another Glitch? Hobie B./Spiderpunk x FemReader

Pt. 2/? 15+ (containing some violence,cussing)

word count: maxed out 💀

(Continuing)

As Hobie leads you down to HQ med center you received many stares and a few glares or confused looks. You look at hobie feeling anxious, “Hobie am I..okay to be here?” He looks confused “with me of course you can be ere’ love” as you sit down in the med center and start to redo your bandage only to notice the wound hasn’t changed at all, looking up you notice Hobie confused at your look and walking over to you. “Eh what’s the matter lovely?” As he looks at your wound he notices it hasn’t changed meaning he would have to go stitch it up to help the wound heal. “Sorry Love but im going to have to stitch you up” you aren’t surprised and your face doesn’t change its neutral expression. “It’s fine I’ve had them done before” he looks curious “how many times have you done them?” You look him in the eyes and respond “4-5 about” he looks a little shocked “what happened for you to have to get stitches?” He asks with hesitation “uhh..Have you done stitches before?” He notices the change of subject. “Yes. Okay now hope still” you look up balling your hand into a fist while wincing in pain. He tries to be more gentle, and you start to relax more. Hobie focuses on the stitches then looks next to your waist line another line of stitches that seemed to have cut marks around them. As he finishes up you cover your waist line back up. You look at him and he is towering over you “Follow me to the core of HQ” you obediently start to follow him still in pain but, overall a lot better. When you arrive you notice a tall man on a platform with multiple screens. “I was expecting this” all of a sudden he turns around and walks toward you, something felt off, so you backed up slightly behind Hobie. “Hobie what the hell who is she?” The man looks angry. Hobie steps forward standing his ground, “she the anomaly” The Blue and red man looks confused “What do you mean? Then put her in an orb.” Hobie speaks with a lower and louder tone “she’s not like the others, she not even a villain nor a spider person.” Miguel speaks up “she could be the start of one Hobie” He shields you “bloody hell she could’ve been bit!” You look confused, and nervous “b-bit? By what?” They both look at you then Hobie asks if you ever saw a bug or a spider that seemed colorful before leaving your world. You looked stunned “Y-yes it was on my right hand.” Hobie looked relieved while Miguel just stood there. You were scared “What… does it mean?” Miguel then started to really look at you. He cursed under his breath, “Holy shit” you and hobie look confused. Miguel’s breath hitched “you look just like..” he then stormed off and left. You turn to Hobie and ask again. “What did it do to me?” He then looked at you dead in the eyes. “Your just like me” you were shocked, you freak out. “I-“ he notices your expression of a mixture of emotions that even he couldn’t comprehend. Out of no where he hugs you knowing your going through a lot in the moment. You melted into his hug confused, sad, and frustrated that you were handling so much at once. “I’ll be ere’ for you”

(time skip of 10 months)

“on your left!” You dodged the punch as it came towards you, then turned around and knocked out the anomaly with an upper cut. Hobie webbed over to you, “good job love” he put his arm on you shoulders, you felt giddy inside and a little flustered? He then looked at you and spoke “you good love?” You looked at him inches away from your face since his arm was around your shoulders. He continued his sentence “your face is a little red.” It coauthor you off guard when he said that. Hobie was confused since it hadn’t hit him yet that you were flustered, since you had been acting weird like this to him for about a month now, then you both receive a notification from Miguel. You sigh “tch, he really knows how to ruin a moment” you were caught off guard again, as he answered they call. “We got some new recruits to introduce to you come meet them, they will be apart of your group.” (Each group had at most 10-12 people) As you both use the portal to get back and meet everyone else you notice something peculiar. The spider women that stood before you looked familiar, but you just brushed it off. “Hey my name is Gwen, Gwen Stacy.” She reached out a hand toward you. Now you realize that she was the doppelgänger of your Gwen Stacy..your best friend. You thought to yourself she’s not her she’s not her, new beginnings new beginnings. “Hey I’m Y/n, Y/n/ L/n“ then another boy introduced himself “my name is Pavitr, Pavitr Prabhakar, most people just call me Pavi tho” he reached out his hand and you shook it. “I’m Y/n, Y/n L/n this is Hobie” you look up to him gesturing to play nice “Hobie Brown, you’ll be wit’ us, and I hate the British Government so don’t get involved wit’ it ey?” Pavi looked happy “don’t worry I hate ‘em to, do you like chai?” Hobie looked surprised as he started to walk beside him “I love chai” they started to walk away rambling about the British government and chai. You and Gwen look at eachother and chuckle. She then asks what I’m like and what your thing is “well I’m in a band used to be at least and-“ she lights up “your in a band??” You laugh “yeah” “what do you play??” She looks excited “the drums, and the bass” she squeals in excitement “I do too!” You laugh at her expression as you two start to ramble on the way to where you all stay. When you arrive you notice she starts to talk about this boy from Brooklyn named miles you start to smirk “you seem to reallyyy like him” she looks at you with a red color plastered on her face you giggle. Then Hobie walks in out of no where “who does Y/n like?” Gwen looks curious “oh no we were saying Gwen likes a boy from some different world” he has a relieved look on his face Gwen notices and joins the conversation “is someone jealous?” She smirks, Hobie looks surprised she noticed he seemed a little jealous “what noo why would I be jealous? She has her own world I cannot be jealous of her likin some other gu-“ he then noticed Gwen smirking your face a little red and his rambling. “Well ima just stop ease droppin yeah? Cheerio” only to leave to thinking about the redness on your face and the questioning of his feeling toward you. Gwen looks at you with a smirk that could never be wiped off of her face. Then started to tease you “you really seem to lik-“ You get hot headed “GWENNNNNN” Hobie and Pavi had you from the other side of y’all’s building. Pavi looks confused “what did I miss?” Hobie explains the situation as Pavi starts to chuckle “dude you like her” Hobie now realizing why he’s been feeling like he has been was cause he liked you. He just sits there wide eye’d. Then Gwen runs in about to say something that seemed important “HOBIE Y/N-“ you come in out of nowhere webbing her in the face. Pavi starts to laugh at Hobie expression at Gwen getting webbed in the face. You look at them “yeah so me and Gwen are just gonna go back to our rooms okay?” Ignoring you just came in out of nowhere webbing Gwen. Gwen now has a pout on her face and starts to try to use her body language to say something, while you seemed desperate to keep her quiet.

the holidays are always really fucking weird, i dont like many of them but specifically December is just- ew

Anyway ill just thro my mini pitty party real quick:

These song explains how I feel about christmas time *perfectly*

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas by mother mother (christmas playlist)

From heres basically a trauma dump about being in the hospital, but i typically talk about this in a tone more like "oh yea! i nearly died lmao"

When i was like, just turning 6 I had 💫pneumonia💫 & needed to go to the 💫hospital💫. So I spent like, 12/11-31/15 in the hospital. along the way i had these treats happen (not really in order, 💜=story from family member, ❤=i actually remember this)

💜being diagnosed by my sisters 16 yo boyfriend by looking at my gums, whereas medical staff took 4 days

❤Some mcdonalds, cool auntys banana bread, jello & making popin cookin sets w/ my older sister

💜a 5 day medically induced coma

lung surgery therefor cool fuckin scars on my back (WHICH I CANT FUCKING SHOW ANYONE CAUSE I WAS CURSED W/ TITS AND 2/3 ARE UNDER MY BRA)

💜waking up from said coma periodically only to say "im scared" w/ my mom trying to comfort me but i had ear shit going on

💜Finnaly actually woke up, yelled "IM DEAD", which is reportadly the scariest shit my dad has ever heard, my mom asks if i hurt, i say yes, she like "ur not dead honey" again i was 6 & in & out of a coma 😂 (idk why but I've always found that story funny)

💜my parents being thretened w/ truancy by my dumbass school

❤Christmas, I had *2* mini christmas trees in my hospital room 💅 1 was cool but my cool uncle & aunty got me a pink 1 which I still have to this day as a lamp

💜only trusting 1 of my doctors cause he looked like my grandfather who'd been deceased for 2years at that point

❤💜going on walks around the kids floor in a wheelchair & stealing a little gingerbread beanie baby ornament but they didnt care so they just let me keep it & i still have it somehwere.

💜my mom met a lady who had a son who was a few months old & they didnt expect to live past a couple weeks but he *did* (more on that later)

💜had food in the cafeteria and i proceeded to rub the pizza i got *into my hair*. My response? "Its just cheese" my family and I quote that to this day lmao.

💜being reverted to a toddler for a good minute (someone asked my age i said i was 3, i was not) & needing to relearn walking, talking, the little bit of reading i knew & getting into a shower w/out being scared of being pulled down the drain

❤said dude who asked my age worked at the hospital cafeteria & we visited him after most of my appointments. miss u uncle (that was what he went by), wish u well. Dont know where he since covid cause the part of the building cafeteria was in was torn down.

❤and after all that later and i got releaced on new years eve :>

results:

From there forward i had a 20-30minute nebulizer to do every 4 hours (which my parents had to wake up at like 2am for a half hour for), 2 twice daily inhailers, 2 nasil sprays, "the tire" (tastes like shit and makes me feel anxious) (that isnt even all of it my mom counted 8 meds at one point) and i slowly dropped them year by year till they had me down to just rescue inhailer as needed & if my lungs r really shit for a min i go on the tire. (Tire=prednisolone but what 6 year old is remembering that name lol)

specialist appointments every week, then 2 weeks, then every month, 3 months, 6 months, now im at checkup every year and check in as needed

"Look whos inside again" by bo burnham is my life in a nutshell

To this day the smell of a consentrated area of hand sanatizer just has me stop in my tracks lol.

seeing a picture of tiny me on my parents facebook feed yearly of me unconscious in a hospital bed w/ tubes in mah face

couple of close friend i met post hospital (keep in mind i was like 7) didn't believe me so i ran around the playground cursing them the fuck out (never did get in trouble for that 😂) ((I still talk to 1 of them shes cool))

Idk where to put this but about that kid I was talking about before, I found out last year around this time he had just died- of 💫pneumonia💫. yea that fucked me up for a good minute, he was around 6 too which didn't help, I never even met the kid and I still had a weird form of survivors guilt.

Anyway have a merry fucking christmas i really dont get this holiday lol, treat yourself kindly, feel free to be the grinch you are and explain in detail why u hate the holidays u arent alone lol

following me simulator ⬇️

aropride Feb 30 2023 - 05:14am • 1 minute ago

Dude itsfuckig 5am ihave to go to bef goodnight #maybe inthe mornig i wontwant to kill myy self #text

2 notes

aropride Feb 30 2023 - 04:41am • 34 minutes ago

aaaaouuuhgh. blorbo . from my shows #text

1 note

aropride Feb 30 2023 - 04:12am • 1 hour ago

#mewhen my actions have consequences .. crazy shit #text

3 notes

aropride Feb 30 2023 - 03:51am • 1 hour ago

oh god it will never get better huh it will really never get better i will feel like thisf orever asnd ever #one of those nights #text

2 notes

aropride Feb 30 2023 - 02:47am • 2 hours ago

i loveeeee fanfic like yes.pput those guys in a situation #put those GIRLS in a situation hashtag feminism #text

2 notes

aropride Feb 30 2023 - 12:03am • 4 hours ago

how to fill the mother shaped hole in my heart easy cheap free #Please #text

27 notes

aropride Feb 29 2023 - 11:57pm • 4 hours ago

i fucking hate writing #text

1 note

aropride Feb 29 2023 - 11:29pm • 4 hours ago

Itsliterally like #text #in ptsdworld .crazy in here

3 notes

aropride Feb 29 2023 - 11:13pm • 5 hours ago

go here https://open.spotify.com/track/5HLVrG3xcuAQVwB65hI1GU?si=691b96a8b10345cc #text

14 notes

aropride Feb 29 2023 - 6:29pm • 10 hours ago

like i should honestly drop out i really dont know what im doing in college anymore when i cant evenfucking do any of the work and it makes me want to throw my self out a WINDOW for real but also i cant cuz i cant work a fucking job id genuinely rather die . so its likewhat do i do now lol. WAIT I CANT EVEN DROP OUT IM ON SUSPENSION. im going to fucking kill my self #text #suicide tw

7 notes

aropride Feb 29 2023 - 4:17pm • 12 hours ago

the world is so fucking beautoiful. saw a tree today. a bird as well. do not EVER fucking kill your self what if one day its 69º and sunny out #text

12 notes

aropride Feb 29 2023 - 3:42pm • 12 hours ago

just had such a good sandwich #text

5 notes

aropride Feb 29 2023 - 2:31pm • 13 hours ago

im so fucking scared #text #get me out of here (my brain)

17 notes

aropride Feb 29 2023 - 12:19pm • 15 hours ago

to do list: finish writing , sew , pet dog, shower, schedule psych appt, take meds #text

4 notes

aropride Feb 29 2023 - 11:37am • 15 hours ago

goodmornig -_- #i want 2 go back2 bed imstill eepy #text

6 notes

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

[ ooc post ]

Here it is,

The collection of revealed/translated lore bits in chronological order. Some might be missing as this will probably never be done.

Testing the waters. Here is your first fun fact, CODEBREAKER's avatar is a green and black protogen.

2. Q: do you work for c&a, codebreaker?

A: I don’t like C&A.

3. Q: codebreaker do you want a hug

A: I don't like being touched.

4. I’m sorry for lying to you. One day I hope you’ll understand.

5. There is so much I want to say that I can’t. I can only push you in the right direction.

6. It’s harder to leave than it was before.

6: [brainfuck code, translate later https://www.tumblr.com/codebreaker-0/734723524058644480?source=share ]

7. When I take the headset off, The wounds are still there. (In reference to him getting injured in the digital world.)

8. NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE !!! THE RESEARCH IN MY HEAD IS DYING

9. so why do i keep coming back ? (after he said he didn't like it in the circus.)

10. But sometimes I can still hear you guys even when I’m not here and that scares me (in regards to being asked if he can contact us [ us being the circus members] from the real world)

11. I wish I could be honest with you. I don’t want them to know I’m here.

12. Some of the people here are okay. It’s been a while since I felt that way.

13. WHY CAN I STILL HEAR YOU WHY CAN I STILL HEAR YOU EVEN WHEN I TAKE IT OFFPLEASE IT BURNSIT BURNSWHAT DID YOU DO TO ME ?????

14. THE NEIGHBORS TOOK NOTICE OF MY CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR. MY FRIENDS THINK THIS IS A SICKNESS. I THINK REDACTED WANTS TO LEAVE ME. IT DOESN#T MATTER. I#M RIGHT. I KNOW I AM. I JUST HAVE TO HOLD ON A LITTLE LONGER.

15. HE’S GONE HAYWIRE ! xD (unclear if he means himself, or caine)

16. [ REDACTED ] packed up and left The server lagged today I wasnt online when it did but I felt it like a migraine I’m going to need a plan soon I know I’m not crazy

17. Q: you don't always have to be the strong one btw

A: I wish it worked out that way

18. FUCK (a message left while he was missing)

19. IT ABRUPTLY STOPS ME. I CANT STICK TO THE SAME CODE FOR TOO LONG. I THINK THEY KNOW IM HERE. (in regards to why he is never clear with his answers)

20. ??? YEARS WITH TORTURE YOU CANT COMPREHEND I DONT WANT IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

21. I DONT KNOW HOW LONG I CAN KEEP DOING THIS. NOBODY ELSE FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS TRYING TO SOLVE THIS.

22. I want to smash this headset with a hammer so I never have to see this stupid game again

23. hr wants a word with me!! lmao maybe this man HAS gone insane!!!

Misc facts: Frequent suggestions he has some degree of medical knowledge (knows cpr, mentions med school)

Mentions being a cyber security expert

Shown to spiral pretty fast