#finding new hobbies to fill the void in my chest
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I have a new hobby
#finding new hobbies to fill the void in my chest#kalimba#kalimba cover#misty mountains#song of the lonely mountain#the hobbit#lotr#the lord of the rings#tolkien#video
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i feel silly for now missing my hinge fling like. i really liked them it’s super annoying things didn’t work out :/ it’s weird though like the circumstances. they told me that they loved me after like less than a month of dating and honestly i was really taken aback because that is wayyyy too much emotional commitment way too early.. and then i went on vacation for a week and sometime during that period they had a sudden mental break and decided they couldn’t handle a relationship with me. and then i get back home and they break up with me. and then three days later i saw them on tiktok flirting with girls in their comment section and making a new girl a spotify playlist with music i showed them in it!!! they wanted to be friends with me too.. i made it clear that is never happening and they were like i am running from my problems talking to these girls online it is embarrassing and i’m scared to face my problems. And then two of my friends found them on hinge a week later. literally what the hell. it is obviously a good thing for my mental stability that this relationship didn’t really pan out but that’s not stopping me from being sad because honestly i had a really good time :/ i just. Hmph. drat. i think next week will be a month since we broke up— i honestly have been moving on pretty alright i’ve been going out with my friends every weekend and i really enjoy having those plans and i didn’t start having this longing missing them feeling for like.. two weeks or so... until saturday i was just sort of blindsided with after i thought things were like super on the mend. i think it’s important i let myself feel this way without much shame because if i don’t let myself feel it’ll just get all bottled up and fucked up inside and i’ll hurt someone else. i think i was going to hurt them if i stayed with them for a long time because there is a lot of emotional baggage i hadnt really worked out yet— that i still haven’t really worked out yet— that i could sense coming up so it’s good for them that we sort of got out ahead of this curve. i’ve been finding an interesting pattern in my writing where i claim it’s important for me to experience a negative emotion or whatever and then i go to justify the situation as “not that bad” or point out a silver lining. is that a habit that is lending itself to truly experiencing emotion? i don’t know if this is something i’m good at but i’m dedicated to trying my best because i truly believe there isn’t anything i can’t overcome with my mental health. no matter how long it takes i will always be ok and end up happy and safe. i’ve had such a weird childhood and such horrible romantic experiences yet look at me— i’m trying my best and i have friends that love me and i have things to look forward to and hobbies i enjoy and i have been finding myself smiling in moments to myself. i miss having romantic love and it sucks and it feels like there’s a pit where a lover should be where they love me and give me gifts and take me on dates and they fall asleep on my chest and they feel safe with me whereas i feel safe with them. i will have this when i am ready for it. i don’t think i’m ready for it yet— there’s been a lot of calamity lately and i feel like i haven’t thought through it all. until i stop feeling guilty about helen and until i stop feeling bitter about liam. until i stop crying over my wounded health and until i stop checking liam’s instagram and tiktok and posting things just so they’ll see it and think about how good i’m doing. i think it’s important that i point this out before i accidentally fuck with someone by rushing in too quickly. it hurts me that i can’t have what i want but i’m not alone. not alone in the sense in there’s people who deeply care for me and want the best for me. i don’t want to be a bad person. i don’t want to hurt anyone by being afraid and anxious and unable to commit. i don’t want to love just to fill a void. i want to love so i can like truly appreciate and be appreciated by another person. not just because i’m lonely.. that’s not very wholesome
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Alphabet Fluff
Characters: Aether
A gift to my sister cause she never stops thirsting 😒 @katsukiibug
Doing all of them ;-;
Icon credit: Leheia
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A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?
Aether is opened to any activities his partner throws at him. He's not very picky.
But he does enjoy some dinner dates and strolls around the city, wheater it is Liyue or Mondstadt. He pays for all meals and snacks with the Mora he got from his travels.
Be warned, however, cause Paimon ain't gonna shut up about the food. Regardless it's comforting, followed by a nice walk through the city basked in moonlight.
Aether also in general likes to travel with you, other than Paimon you're his companion. He likes to take you to the forest to pick berries or other essential resources, beneficial for future endeavors.
Stories from his travels? Aether could ramble about for hours. Describing the little mishaps and mischief he and his sister found themselves in. Though he gets really sad whenever his sister is brought up.....oofles
He's traveled from world to world was introduced to many hobbies and games of variety, he's happy to introduce you to some of them if your willing to try something new out.
B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?
Your patience
Aether has a bit of a packed schedule; assisting with commissions and dealing with hilichrul attacks. Not to mention his mind is set on finding the 7 archons in the hope to find his sister. He's incredibly busy most of the times
He doesn't ignore you on purpose, but he's dragged everywhere. Poor guy:(
But he admires that you don't fuss about it and always hold patience. Of course, Aether will find a way to make it up to you eventually. He tends to send small souvenirs from his travels as a form of apology.
Your comfort
He recently lost his sister and is overhwaled by all these tasks placed on his heavy and tired shoulders. He leans on you when he needs that moment of peace or comfort.
He loves that you try to soothe him whenever he's in his worst moments. With your words or simple touches of comfort, he adores it all.
Your eyes
Aether loves to stare into your eyes. He finds them really beautiful and finds himself smiling whenever looking in your eyes.
He's memorized by how they lightly sparkle or glimmer depending on your emotions. Or how they light up whenever you laugh or smile.
He finds it soothing to just lean your foreheads against each other and stare endlessly at your eyes, his worries and concerns being carried away.
C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?
He's a brother and understands when his partner is under stress or feeling down. Similar to how he notices the small gestures Lumine has that show her emotions are swirling in her head.
He picks up on the small hints and notices right away the shift in your behavior. You can say you're fine but he ain't falling for it, he's seen the signs.
But Aether does give the space you want. He recognizes its benefits and understands it himself; He's lost his kin, there are times Aether wants to push everyone away.
So patient, he's not pushing you into anything instead he's letting you describe what's bothering you at your pace. You can break down sobbing and he would wait while comfortably drawing stars on your back. He even has his shoulder to cry on if you want, softly running his hand through her hair in comforting motions.
He tries his best to give advice from his own experience. He makes a promise to cheer you later. He's just trying to make you happy again cause he hurting inside if you're not :(
D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?
Aether pictures the future from time to time. Mainly thinking about finding his sibling. He pictures two outcomes the good now and the one he dreads dearly.
Of course, since you are his s/o, you do play role in some of the scenarios he plays on his head.
He wonders what will be of the relationship after he finds his sibling, would they continue to travel worlds as they had done previously?
It was his sister and himself life's work of jumping planet to planet and learning of the different kingdoms and such.
Teyvat is your home, you have all your plans for the future in this world, he couldn't force you to leave.
So he rather hears of your views on the future instead, listening closely as you explain everything you have planned while his heart slowly aches as he debates for his future.
E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?
He sees you as his equal. Nothing less or more- though he looks to up you a lot
He doesn't let any status you may hold hinder the relationship, and he wishes the same. He may be a traveler from another world, praised for his achievements, and his reputation in the nation's placed his name high. But Aether doesn't want that to affect his relationship with his lover.
So yee equals =
F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?
He hates fighting :(
Soft boy can't handle arguing with his s/o. It breaks his heart every time. Instantly feels guilty, even if he wasn't in the wrong.
Because of this arguments are incredibly rare. He's not an angry person in general and tends to stay positive most of the time. It will only occur if he's incredibly pent up about a situation. He'd bottle up those emotions before the string being pulled and he snaps.
Easy to forgive, the moment he notices he's angry he's apologizing for lashing out. Poor boy can't handle you being scared, upset, and disappointed with him.
After a fight, he gives you the space needed before checking on you and asking if you're alright. Aether would pull you into a hug, and probably sob depending on how bad the fight was. Cuddles until your both happy again or unless you really don't want to be in his presence at the moment.
If the fight was really bad he gives you some space to think for a bit and try to get it off his head. Afterward, he goes to apologize to you, to where you either sob together or things go back to normal right after
Apologizes repeatedly to you, you could say you've forgiven him but he's gonna continue apologizing for another hour or so.
G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?
Incredibly grateful for every little act his s/o does for him. Ever since losing his sister, he's been in a void and his s/o has been the light helping him back to his feet. Cheesy I know-
But he truly appreciates everything you do for him, it always brings a smile to his face whenever his s/o does the most simple little acts that go a long way for him. He acknowledges even the smallest of things
Simple acts such as setting up his stuff before he goes to complete commissions or cooking him some food. It always makes his day better.
H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?
Aether tells his partner pretty much everything, he dislikes keeping you in the dark. He would be really upset and heartbroken if he found out his s/o was hiding anything from him
He relies on you a lot, he tells you everything because you always put him at ease.
However, there are a few things that he would hide for a short time. He would tell his partner eventually but needs some time to plan out how to tell them. But those moments are rare and in between.
If he did find out that his s/o was hiding something from him, he'd be so torn :< feels betrayed a in way that you hid something from him.
Of course, he would listen to your reasoning as to why you kept secrets, but he starts to distance himself for a bit.
I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?
Aether works harder for you. In other words, he's constantly trying to impress you. He tries to act heroically around you to make you smile and all.
He learned to not always feel so down because of his sister and take time to be happy as well
He for sure helps you overcome any problems or barriers that have been holding you back, taking one step at a time. You work it out together and he's patient with the process
He's always inspired by you, he works harder for you and tries to complete his commissions at a faster rate so he can spend the rest of the day work you.
J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?
Can go both ways. On one hand, Aether isn't really one to get jealous, as he has complete trust in his partner but on the other hand, there are times when he gets insecure or jealous over somethings
But for the most part he isn't jealous, there are moments where he's scared to lose you like he lost his sister, to be left alone again :<<
In the moments where he is jealous, he would tell his s/o that he's feeling envious. Getting it off his chest and hoping his S/o would help calm down his worries
If he's feeling really envious, which are incredibly rare, he would avoid you for a bit trying to let his jealousy die away before confronting you
He'd feel really bad if he accidentally made you feel jealous instead. He would remind you that all his love is reserved for you and only you.
K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?
Something like that done here
An average kisser, a bit inexperienced when it comes to kissing, you're his first boyfriend/girlfriend but he caught on really fast.
But because of this, your first kiss ended up being really awkward and Aether got incredibly flustered cause he believed he did something wrong
He's still really shy whenever he kisses you, he grows flustered whenever you intimate the kiss.
His kisses are really gentle, pressing his lips against yours softly. Each kiss is filled with emotions, all his love into each one. Very gentle boi
L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?
A mess
Poor boi is stuttering and fumbling over his words. He a nervous wreck but he's trying his best.
He planned everything out but when the moment came he tripped over his words.
He invites you over for a nice dinner, nothing too fancy and nothing too cheap, just right. He pays for food, slowly bringing the conversation to an idea of a relationship. Of course, he's hella flustered and trying not to show(which he does) it.
Then he kinda blurts out that he has a crush on you and wants to try out a relationship
If you say yes he's gonna have a huge smile on his face for the rest day, it's really adorable TwT
If you say no, however, he freezes in place for a while, the whole thing repeating in his head up to the point where you rejected him. He apologizes and excuses himself. You don't see him for a couple of days, since aether is avoiding you, he's really embarrassed to talk to you. Oh and congratulations you get a nasty nickname from Paimon :D
M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?
He thought about it at least once when your relationship was growing. Similar to dreams, he had different scenarios in this head for the future and how they could play out.
He would like to get married one day, yes, but it isn't something he sees doing anytime soon as his primary goal is to find his sister, afterward however he will look into it more and suggest the idea to his s/o.
In terms of how he proposes, he takes you on a little adventure that highlights some your adventures you had together near the beginning of your friendship, before getting on one knee and popping the question.
Kind of that nostalgic feeling you get as you reminisce on some of the old memories you created together
The both of you plan the ceremony and incorporate your ideas into one. It's gonna be a big wedding though since pretty much all of Mondstadt, Liyue, and other nations that are yet to be explored will be attending.
Of course, if you wish for a smaller wedding, he doesn't mind at all and will plan out something smaller. He personally likes a small wedding too :)
N icknames - What do they call their s/o?
Aether isn't too keen on nicknames for his s/o but he does have a few. But for the most part, he calls you y/n, especially in public
He calls you sometimes a shorter version of your name. Or a flower that reminds him of you.
Really depends on your personality as well and which flower it associates with, or he might have a silly nickname for you that he called you once and it stuck with him. However, those types of nicknames are used rarely depending on the circumstance.
O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?
Blush blush blush blush
He might be a little oblivious to it since your his first, he doesn't realize it until someone cough venti cough points out to him.
He's in denial at first, swirling over his words while his face reveals the truth. He's crushing hard
Aether tries to mask his little crush from you and he does pretty well minus a few moments where he's got off guard, que flustering soft boi
But when he's in love, he has a smile on his whenever speaking to the person that makes his heart skip a beat. It's pretty prominent to others once you notice the behavior shift from someone random to you.
He expresses his love in a little of everything; kisses and little hugs along with serenading you in words or perhaps gifting you something. A little mix of all of them
His favorite way to express his love is to have his hand intertwine with yours. It's simple but it comforts him knowing you're close. He loves it whenever you give him a slight squeeze of reassurance; it never fails to put a smile on his face
P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?
Shy boy gets flustered in private, he gets really flustered showing PDA in public.
Don't get me wrong he loves showering you in affection but he gets easily flushed at the idea of people watching him kiss his s/o or giving them a comforting hug.
His PDA is average, he's open to hand-holding in public because it comforts him without having to do anything too affectionate in the public eye
He doesn't brag either, most people already know the existence of your relationship.
Although for the most part, he's trying to keep it a secret because of the Fatui and the threat it could place on you. You don't want La Signora chasing after you.
Q uirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship.
Paimon is usual around Aether meaning that whenever your feeling hungry, Paimon can point out the best places to sit down and have a delicious meal
An expert treasure hunter is in your area, and you're dating him! He knows where to find hints and little clues for treasures and can open any lock or seal. Many fortunes
He has so many stories to tell from his previous travels. It helps you connect more as you listen to him tell you every memory he can remember from the worlds he visited. You never get bored by his stories either.
R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?
He's can be really creative in his antic when it comes to making his s/o happy, but he also sticks to some more cliche methods as well
As mentioned previously he's visited many worlds and has seen the various ways people would do to cheer up their partners.
He uses that to his advantage when trying something to get that smile he loves dearly on your face
But the also likes to take some classic routes, little gifts, or acts of affection to make you happy
Perhaps a rose banquet one day and something new and really imaginative the next. He can be a wild card when deciding
One time he jokingly asked Paimon for advice, of course, she suggested having sticky honey roast as a nice evening lunch date. Which he ended up taking you to that afternoon
He's willing to do anything-within reasonable terms- to make his s/o happy. If just point something out or specify on what would make you really happy; chances are he's going to do it for you
S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?
100% support in you
He wants to see your goals accomplished as well. Just like your helping him find his sister, he helps you achieve your goal
If you allow him, he's willing to put aside some of his commissions to help you plan and get a better roadmap to obtain your goal
Aether helps keep you motivated whenever you're feeling down, reminding you of what you have accomplished so far. Cooking you food or bringing you some water to get your brain flowing again. As well as some encouragement from Paimon, although she tends to over exaggerate most of the time
He is also sure to help you take breaks whenever you're pushing yourself too much. He takes you outside to pick plants or berries, but it's really soothing and distracting
T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?
It's an adventure every day with Aether
At the beginning of the relationship, he tried to follow a more classical relationship routine. Since he was so new to affection, e mimicked what he saw other couples do thinking it was the correct way to go. But after spending more time with you he strayed away from that, adding his own ideas along with yours
He's constantly traveling the world, meeting archons and other powerful beings. There always a battle to be fought or a harbinger to run from. A lot can happen in one day
And you're his trusty and equal companion, he likes to bring you along through the chaos that is Teyvat
In other words, there is always a thrill in your relationship, plus Aether is always open to trying something new occasionally. Never a dull moment except for that one lazy Sunday where you cuddle all day, but it's really wholesome
U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?
Aether picks up on the little things that signal a behavior shift within you. With these notices he acts quickly to be sure your alright and accesses if he needs to shower you in more affection in order to make you happy >:0
He tries to sympathize with his partner, trying to understand the emotions they're going through. He understands grief and anger, as he had experienced it with the loss of his kin, and knows how to help alleviate his s/o
But he does try his best to help cheer you up regardless of the emotions you are feeling. Paimon is even there to cheer you with her own words
V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?
Aether's relationship with you is something he holds close to his heart. It's incredibly important to him, and he is sure to voice how important you are to him.
His s/o is that last speck of hope and happiness in his life after being filled with pain for so long. He'd be devastated without you
Unfortunately, his sister is his first priority, his family comes close. Lumine is the only kin he has. But your also really important to him, and so he tries to shower you with affection daily
W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.
Your Paimon's close friend, you get to hear her ramble about food- a lot. But she's also really supportive of your relationship, she's noticed how much happier Aether had become since then.
Aether likes it whenever you braid his hair. Finding it soothing as your fingers gently comb through his golden locks
X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?
A shy boy wanting to shower his s/o in affection. He's not the most affectionate person out there but he does try to be romantic and such
He adores hugs more than kisses, he finds it further comforting to hold his partner close and reassured that there beside him. He wishes he could cuddle with you for hours however commissions among other tasks that always pull him back
He also likes kisses, there always gentle and soft and he mainly kisses you on the cheek, forehead, or lips.
So overall he is pretty affectionate and he tries his best to make you feel loved
Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?
He can handle it for a few days, he has trust in you and your abilities. But he does think about you whenever you have to leave, wishing he could go with you. He's already missing your presence the moment you kissed him goodbye before venturing off to whatever.
Then he starts to become worried, his head is racing even though you're fine. He's trying to stay calm in the situation, which he does pretty well but it's clear something is troubling the traveler from another world. Nonetheless, he doesn't act out that worry
He starts to take up more commissions in hopes it will put his mind off It, overworking himself just a tad too much until he finds himself exhausted and turns in to rest for the night.
He refrains from any thoughts involving you being in a dangerous circumstance, he's trying to stay positive and counting down the days until your arrival back to Mondstadt or Liyue. But he has had that one thought or two, dreading over his shoulders
When you do return, the moment he spots your familiar figure; his mind is washed with relief as he makes his way towards you. He approaches with a soft, kind smile as he engulfs you into a hug. He asks you how the journey or task went and if you hit any roadblocks or difficulties.
He takes you to dinner that afternoon to talk some more, he misses you dearly :(
Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?
As mentioned before Aether tries his best to make you happy, he'll try somethings out but he won't cross any unnecessary lines or ones that shouldn't be crossed
Listen- he's stolen a Gods Lyre, angered the cryo God, fought a Harbinger, and almost destroyed a nation- oh and he's a garden thief. He's willing to go to some extra lengths to make you happy-he just doesn't want to add on to the list of chaos that had occurred already
But as mentioned previously, his main goal is finding his sister and he tries not to stray from it too much. But yes, he does care about your relationship and he is sure to remind you that you always hold a special place in his heart :)
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I'm done omg, yay
#genshin impact#genshin impact imagines#genshin impact scenarios#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact headcanons#aether x reader#genshin aether#genshin aether x reader
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You, The Stars And I
Pairing: Fred Weasley x Reader
Word Count: 3.8k (oops)
Requested by @amira3113: Can I request a fic abt the reader seeing Fred and George comforting a kid after Umbridge punished him and the reader helps them and Fred thinks it's so cute what she is doing and she does the same and extra mega fluff, pls?🥺 you don't gotta do it if u don't want to btw.. so no pressure ;)
Warnings: A bit more angst than intended, Fred being a soft boi™️
A/N: I don't know how to feel, I just roasted myself hardcore with this and I'm feeling even more single. I'm sorry for not being able to use a 'keep reading' tab
Masterlist
The sun fell asleep behind the endless hills, enveloped by dense, opaque darkness. Its golden rays no longer shone through the wide windows of the castle and instead let shadows creep into the long, empty hallways, revealing the ugly truth about what the school had turned into over the past few months.
The naked walls stood tall, towering over you and inching closer with every step you took, and you hung your head low, aiming to block out the singular buzzing thought in your head.
Hogwarts was no longer home.
Your heart ached at the memory of hundreds of students chattering and laughing all day long, freely walking around the school grounds and simply being children. You so terribly missed being careless and having fun without the fear of potentially facing a life-threatening punishment.
But now there was no laughter, only your footsteps echoed in the hallway.
You were headed straight to your common room, determined to go to sleep early. The curfew and the dozens of new restrictions prevented you from meeting your friends, and you hoped that sleep would at least somehow distract you from your worries for a couple of hours.
The deafening silence nearly caused you to miss the muffled sobs and quiet whispering, coming from a turn not far away. It seemed as though there were more than one voice speaking, and your chest clenched with dread.
You hurried your pace until you reached the source of the noise, and peeked from behind the wall.
The sight most definitely surprised you, but the pain in your chest only sharpened.
There, on a bench, Fred and George were sitting, hunched over a small boy, probably no older than a second year. You could tell by his green robes which house he was in, but his red, tear-stained face was what alarmed you.
You immediately approached him and fell to your knees. George was on his left, rubbing slow, soothing circles on his back, while Fred was on the other side, holding his small hand in his, on the back of which a few words glistened with fresh crimson blood.
I must not ask questions.
You sent the twins a questioning look, but Fred dismissed it by shaking his head; clearly that was not the time for an explanation, nor was one necessary to begin with.
You placed a hand on the boy's knee to make your presence known.
"Hey. How are you feeling?"
This only caused the child to sob harder and you internally cursed for having to go through this routine.
"It hurts…" he whimpered, "I thought Hogwarts was fun. I met friends last year and it was great. But now… Now I really want to go home."
Your jaw clenched and you swallowed hard, furious about seeing innocent children slowly losing faith and joy in life, turning into hollow shells of the amazing people they could have grown to become.
The horrifying experience would inevitably have a massive impact on them and unexplainable guilt twisted your stomach. And even though the long-term damage had already been done, you could at least take care of the temporary pain.
"It's not going to hurt for long, I promise," Fred whispered, tenderly playing with the boy's trembling fingers. "Ours are already fading."
"That's true, see?" George showed the back of his hand on which you could make out the faint, bloody words 'I must not cause trouble.', and you felt sick. "Soon you won't even remember it was there."
Tears stung in your eyes, but before you gave them a chance to fall, you turned to the redheads.
"I can heal the wound. Well, to an extent. If anything, I can lessen the pain," you began. "But I need to grab something from the Charms classroom."
Fred frowned, confused, "Wouldn't you need a potion for that? Why Charms?"
"Snape isn't the only one armored with potions for just in case things go wrong. And we can't risk going to the dungeons at this hour. It's not wise to tell Madam Pomfrey yet either."
The twins nodded. George said.
"It's not a good idea for all of us to go at once. I suggest one of us returns and covers the others up if necessary."
"I'll go with her," Fred stated without a second thought. "I can get them safely where they need to be, let her do her thing and bring them back."
Fred's eagerness to help filled you with warmth and for once that night you had the strength to smile, even for just a second.
"That sounds like plan then. But you should really take the map," George added, already pulling out the neatly folded Marauder's Map from his backpack. "Don't wanna risk getting caught by the ugly toad, you know."
"As if she'd be strolling down the hallways late at night. Doesn't she have hobbies?"
"Does hanging creepy pictures of cats on pink walls count as such?" you commented and the second year giggled, which made you feel slightly better as well.
Fred took the map from George and you grabbed the boy's hand.
"Good luck, guys. And, like, don't die."
"Woah, greatly encouraging, Georgie," you replied sarcastically, but appreciated it nonetheless. "You sure you'll be fine?"
"Absolutely. I got the route memorized like the back of my hand. I'll be careful."
And with that, George headed towards the Gryffindor Tower while you, Fred and the boy went in the opposite direction - the East Towers.
The night was eerily quiet, only the footsteps and shuddering breaths of the three of you keeping you sane. The soft light, gleaming at the tip of your wands, didn't do much to brighten the empty hallways which now seemed like endless voids of darkness.
Occasionally Fred would warn you about Filch's cat approaching, or Peeves causing trouble nearby, but fortunately, you reached the classroom sooner than expected.
"Alohomora," you whispered, but the door didn't bulge when you tried to open it.
Fred grinned, "Surely a Charms professor wouldn't let such a cliché unlock his own classroom."
"Shut up," you grumbled. "Aberto!"
The door opened. Fred's eyes widened in amusement and you flashed him a charming smile on your way in.
You placed the boy to sit on a desk as you and your friend rushed to look through drawers and chests for something useful. Most of them were full of basic items such as old books and quills, half-full jars of salamander blood, pearl dust and gillyweed, and after long fifteen minutes of not having found anything, you slid your back down against the wall, sighing in frustration.
Sleep-deprivation was kicking in, but your anxiety was getting stronger.
You needed to do something. Fast.
"What about this chest right here?" Fred asked from the other side of the classroom, pointing at something under Flitwick's desk.
You shook your head, "Doesn't open, already tried. Even if the cure is there, we can't get it."
"I take it your brilliant spells don't work anymore?" the redhead teased and you so badly wished to slap away the cocky smirk on his face. Or kiss it. There was something oddly attractive about the way he'd set your nerves on fire, and you hated yourself for enjoying it. Fred seemed to love it too.
"If you're only here to be annoying, just leave."
"I'm here to help too. I can multitask."
You nearly jumped from the ground to strangle him, and he clearly saw through your intentions because his toothy grin almost split his face in two. That bastard.
That super annoying, devilishly handsome bastard.
"Are you gonna keep staring at me, or are you coming? Not that I mind the attention," he shrugged.
You rose to your feet and made your way over to where he was standing, not granting him the pleasure of facing him, "Don't flatter yourself, Weasley. Your stupidity is simply impossible to be unnoticed."
Fred laughed, "Oh, so I was annoying and now I'm stupid too? Make up your mind, woman."
You pulled out your wand and smirked at him over your shoulder.
"You said it yourself that you can multitask. Aberto!"
Nothing.
Fred squinted his eyes as he stared at the wooden chest. What spell could the professor have possibly used? Could you have even heard of it? The chances of ever finding the precious item were becoming grimmer with each passing second and the inevitable sense of dread had started to settle in.
After a minute Fred finally spoke.
"I think your problem is that you're using spells that only work on doors. You need a charm which unlocks containers."
"You might be right. What would that be then?" you enquired, glancing at the redhead. He took his own wand out of his robes.
"I know a spell that's come in handy before. Hopefully it will work now," he wettened his lips and said. "Cistem Aperio!"
Blinding light caused you to cover you eyes, and the chest opened with a loud thud which could have easily alerted the entire floor of your presence if it wasn't for the silencing charm you were lucky to have used when you first entered the classroom.
You finally dared to open your eyes and kneeled on the ground, carefully rummaging through fancy-looking boxes and vials sparking with liquids that seemed to be quite important.
"What are we looking for?" Fred asked as he crouched next to you.
"Wound-Cleaning Potion. Purple."
It was weird having Fred stand this close to you; sparks of electricity would pierce your heart every time his shoulder brushed against yours, or his fingers would accidentally graze yours. And when they did, they had you longing more and more for their touch, for their warmth.
But this warmth did not belong to you.
You swallowed down the disappointment and instead attempted to focus on the task at hand.
Just as you had expected, the precious crystal bottle was carefully wrapped in sparkling cloth and placed inside a box that was hidden deep in the corner of the chest. You breathed a sigh of relief and got on your feet, determined to stay away from Fred. For his sake and yours.
"Here it is," you smiled at the boy as you walked over to him. "Fred, can you get me some bandages from the drawer in the back?" you asked, pointing right behind him, and he did as he was told.
You took the hand of the young Slytherin and examined it closely - the wound was sure to leave a nasty scar, one that would never heal.
"Can you make it disappear?" he asked, fearfully.
Your heart dropped. But you replied with all the courage you could muster.
"I can try."
Fred was soon by your side and placed the medical items on the desk; a half-full packet of cotton, some bandages and a small box of bandaids. You muttered a 'thanks', not even looking at him, and opened the middle-sized bottle. It spread a characteristic smell of ashes, mint and lemon when you lifted it towards your nose - it was ready to use.
"So what now?" Fred asked.
Not granting him a reply, you simply took a small piece of the cotton and dipped the opening of the bottle into it, soaking it with a generous amount of the purple, dense liquid. The smell grew stronger.
Fred could only watch as you yet again gently grabbed the boy's hand and carefully dabbed the back of it; a thin steam of smoke soared from the contact of wet cotton and wounded flesh, purple mixing with red, and the kid hissed in pain. You worked attentively but quickly, with measured gestures and a straight face, and you missed the way Fred's eyes seemed to soften at the sight of you helping a small kid.
But one thing baffled him - why did you suddenly start acting so emotionless? Even towards the youngling who didn't know a thing. And though your expression seemed calm and collected, the Gryffindor noticed your tensed jaw.
What he wasn't aware of, however, was the racing speed of you heart, increasing each second. He wasn't aware of the short, shallow breaths you were taking because if you had allowed yourself to breathe freely, you'd certainly let out tears along with the deeps sighs.
Every move was calculated, every word and breath.
You pressed a fresh piece of cotton against the now cleaned wound and kept it there as you began to roll the bandage over it, securing it in place. When you were done, you placed a gentle, lingering kiss on the hand.
"There. It should do the trick."
The boy's face lit up and he hugged you, not giving you another choice but to wrap your arms around his small body. At least you had managed to bring him back some of the lost warmth.
"We should get him to his dorm," you told Fred and despite not facing him, he knew the words were directed towards him. That still didn't prevent the stinging pain in his chest from being so effortlessly avoided by you, and he frowned, bewildered by your unexpected coldness towards him.
Had he accidentally done anything to upset you? Were you mad at him? What for?
The boy jumped to his feet, visibly less burdened despite the present tear stains on his puffy cheeks. You hoped he'd be able to get some sleep that night regardless of the circumstances.
The three of you left the classroom as quietly as you had entered it and went in the direction of the dungeons. Fred, as usual, did his job at looking at the map and keeping track of the names, moving on the yellow-ish piece to old parchment.
Fortunately, you reached the Slytherin common room without any disturbances along the way, and the boy went inside, eager to crawl into bed and not think about the ugly lady who had punished him so unfairly just a few hours ago.
The door closed without a sound, leaving you and Fred on your own.
His soft voice broke the burdening silence.
"Are you going to bed?"
If you were being honest, you hadn't even thought about sleep during your secret adventure and though your body was on the verge of giving out, your restless mind was sure to wander all night. And the idea of being alone with your thoughts scared you.
"Actually… I don't think so," you began, fiddling with your fingers in hopes to not let Fred see how much they were trembling. "I doubt I'd be able to get any sleep now."
"Me too, I admit," Fred scratched the back of his neck, uncertain as to how to make the situation less awkward than it was. Trying to get you to talk was hard enough as it was, but your sudden avoidance wasn't helping either. All Fred wished for was to witness the hopeful spark in your eyes, the spark that he had noticed diminish on the first day of school when the unsettling news was announced.
Fred was determined to bring the light back and see your joyous smile again.
Without skipping a beat he said.
"Come with me."
Your eyes shot up in surprise, meeting Fred's for the first time that night. You expected to see the ever-present playful mischief in them, but instead they glistened with something you could not quite recognize. The corners of his mouth had formed a smile, one that didn't intend to mock or provoke in any way, but still contained his usual boyish charm. It was humble and sincere, and along with the anticipating look in his eyes it read.
Trust me.
Your mouth went dry, any and all reasoning to stay vanishing in thin air as you tried to make sense out of your inner conflict. Fred surely wouldn't care if you said no, would he? It's not like he'd be offended that someone like you refused to go with him; why would he even be interested in you in the first place?
But the idea of spending some time alone with him did sound very tempting - you desperately needed some positivity in that moment, feeling exceptionally drained of all your energy after having to witness the emotional and psychological impact of Umbridge's dictatorship. And if there was someone who could lift your spirit even in such dark times, that would be Fred.
Screw the idea of a potential relationship, you needed a friend right now.
"Where to, Weasley?"
Fred grinned at the nickname and shoved hands into his pockets.
"The Astronomy Tower. Are you coming?"
You smiled at him.
"Sure."
It was indeed a brilliant idea to spend the night at the place where anyone rarely ever set a foot. Regardless of it being crowded during classes all day, the Tower wasn't a common choice for students to meet, them much preferring locations like the common rooms, the Great Hall, the school grounds or even the Black Lake. But the Tower did possess a magnetic, obscure charm which many people failed to comprehend and appreciate; charm only meant to lure the wandering souls seeking peace under the stars.
Fred approached the iron railing, breathing in the cold, early spring air, and sat cross-legged on the ground. As he saw you standing a few feet away from him, he patted the empty spot next to him.
"Come on now, don't leave me sitting on my own like that," he joked and his face lit up when he noticed the ghost of a smile on your lips for a brief moment. You joined Fred on the ground, settling on a polite distance from him, and though he was slightly disappointed by the gesture, he was grateful to be in your presence nonetheless.
Silence fell over both of you like soft velvet while you stared off into the horizon; the view reached the Forbidden Forest, the outlines of which had melted into the pitch black sky like ink, the lines between the two practically nonexistent in the dead hours of the night as they blurred into one endless void.
"I don't remember the last time I saw stars on the sky," Fred addressed your ever-listening companions above in a low, hushed voice that caused warmth to blossom within you regardless of the cold surrounding you.
"Me neither," you agreed, nostalgia creeping into you, but you decided you'd welcome it this time. "Such a shame we can't see the moon though."
Your friend nodded, lips pursed into a thin line, "That's because it's currently new moon. We'll need to wait for awhile until it's visible again."
You turned to Fred and the air was knocked out of your lungs. All you could do was silently admire the way the starlight was softening his sharp features and giving his usually flaming red hair a calming shade of copper. His eyes seemed to glow in the dark, and you found yourself coming to the conclusion you had realised long ago.
He was such a beautiful man.
Those glowing eyes landed on yours and you felt your face heat up.
"How are you?" he asked abruptly and you choked out in bafflement.
"Y-You mean, right now? Or in general?..."
"How are you coping?" he rephrased. "You know, with everything going on. I noticed Umbridge bothering you recently."
A shuddering breath.
"I like to think that I'm doing better than others," you nodded hesitantly, finding it hard to sort out your emotions. "I'm more worried about the most vulnerable among us, the youngest students. They're just children. They're the ones that are most terrified. I really hope Dumbledore will be able to do something about it… no matter where he might be right now."
Fred was watching you intently; he did not miss your expression, darkened with concern, nor did he miss your slumped figure, slightly hunched over for a reason he believed was other than exhaustion. Your friend moved closer and nudged your foot with his.
"I don't want you to talk to me about the rest. I want to hear about you. I can clearly see you're being tormented by her."
"As if you're not."
"That's not the point," he insisted and placed a hand on your knee, causing you to face him. His smile was gone. "I need to know how this madness is affecting you."
"I couldn't care less about what that toad puts me through," you shook your head dismissively and shrugged. Why was he getting so worked up about it? "It doesn't matter."
"Of course it does! It matters to me!" Fred hissed in frustration. "Do you think it doesn't hurt me every time I see Umbridge picking at you or calling you for detention? Because it bloody does and you have no idea how horrible it feels to not be able to help you."
He gave your knee a squeeze.
"For once, just for one time, please. Please, stop trying to be the hero of everybody. Believe me, we see- I see how hard you're trying to keep your chin up despite all the shit you're facing, and that's admirable, but right now it's not necessary. Let go. It's just me."
A way too familiar lump formed in your throat and your chest constricted painfully before it harshly dilated, letting out choked breaths. Fred was quick to envelope you in his long arms before your tears even rolled down your cheeks, and when they did, they met his shoulder. Your hands flew around his neck, body falling into his and soaking up his warmth. Fred pressed his soft lips to your temple, calming the racing pulse as you cried freely and unapologetically. Darling, you feel too much.
It's just me.
Your friend didn't let you out of his hold even when your heart-wrenching whimpers were reduced to weak sobs. He continued cradling your exhausted body which was on the verge of completely giving out. But Fred didn't mind, finding astonishing strength in your vulnerability.
After what seemed like hours, you forced yourself to timidly whisper, lip quivering, "I'm scared... And confused."
"Me too, sweetheart," Fred hummed into your ear. "Me too."
You wiped away the trails of dried tears lingering on your face.
"There's just too much going on. Too much that I'm not ready for."
Realization flashed in Fred's brown eyes and they looked down at you with so much longing, sincerity, but also sympathy and understanding.
You weren't angry at him. You were afraid.
And that was alright.
There was enough time, not need for a rush.
Fred had been waiting for years to find out whether his burning feelings for you were reciprocated, constantly suppressing them in fear of scaring you away and losing you. And now that he knew your heart belonged to him like his did to you, all the stars above couldn't contain his untamed happiness, pure and hopeful.
Surely he could wait a little more for you to grow comfortable with your own emotions.
Fred tightened his hold around you and pecked your cheek tenderly, the subtle touch sending a shock throughout your body and subsiding your need for sleep.
"That's alright," he whispered. "Rest now."
@self-ship-love @susceptible-but-siriusexual @hufflexpuff @neovannii
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Masterlist
#fred weasley x reader#fred weasley x reader angst#fred weasley x reader fluff#fred weasley imagines#fred weasley fanfiction#fred weasley#james phelps#george weasley#oliver phelps#fred and george weasley#weasley twins#harry potter imagines
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Dog Days Pt. 2
Pairings: Mirio Togata x Male!Reader
Word Count: 1,893
Warnings: Second installment! Slightly angsty I guess, I could not remember for the life of me where I was going with this considering it's been 2 months but you know, is what it is. It does have a very small bit of potential sexual harassment, so that's a warning there, but nothing actually happens!
-
Midoriya felt horrible.
Mirio was still in the middle of his fight, fighting pretty playfully to tire out Tenya, but the green-haired male was hoping for him to finish faster.
He'd been talking to himself, normal, and it had been about (M/N). Said male had gotten curious and came over to question him and Midoriya had freaked out.
Really he hadn't meant to! He'd been so absorbed into his own world that he hadn't noticed that (M/N) had gotten so close until he'd tugged at his uniform!
Midoriya was still on the floor, laying down this time as he looked at the ceiling as if it was the thing causing all his problems. He had wanted to talk to (M/N), to understand his quirk a bit better, and get to know the tall male. (M/N) was dating Mirio, and Midoriya loved Mirio like a brother so he wanted to know his significant other. Then he'd gone and fucked up.
Tilting his head a bit Midoriya could see that (M/N) was sitting in the corner of the room, relaxed against the wall with one knee propped up. He looked quite calm actually, but he was glaring harshly at the floor.
Midoriya had struggled with himself enough to recognize that (M/N) was beating himself up mentally, that he was replaying the encounter over and over again to see what he'd done wrong and could have done better, but there was nothing.
(M/N) had done nothing wrong, Midoriya was just jumpy and had reacted badly.
Midoriya felt horrible and knew he should approach the other male and apologize, but he couldn't find the strength to drag himself up. What if (M/N) reacted badly to Midoriya approaching him? What if he didn't accept the apology and was pissed? Was he pissed?
Midoriya was working himself up, mumbling again. But before his own mumbling could get too loud he noticed someone else was mumbling. Not very many people had a habit like that in the class. Confused he looked over (M/N) to see if it was him, but he was just sitting against the wall with his chin against his chest, mouth and nose buried in his jacket collar.
Midoriya looked around a bit more, going from person to person only to find nothing. Confused he sat up, trying to get a better angle of everything, and this time he found purple in the form of Mineta. He was partially in the shadows, this stupid grin resting on his face, a stupid grin that Midoriya, unfortunately, knew very well.
The girls could all take care of themselves, Mineta was more or less just annoying, and the guys had all given up trying to reprimand him. Well, Tenya still tried but that was just part of his personality.
Mineta was currently eyeing up Jirou, who was still quite out of it due to (M/N)'s venom. It was of no surprise really that Mineta would go after her. (M/N) had explained to all of them beforehand that his venom in the small dose he used would make them sleepy and pliant, having a fuzzy memory of everything after it had worn off. So it was no surprise that Mineta was going after the one girl that wouldn't remember it very well.
Midoriya moved to stand up, but out of the corner of his eyes he saw that (M/N) was slowly getting up. The tall male was leaning against the wall still, but he had his feet under him so he was crouched down, his eyes still closed. As Midoriya looked at him in curiosity he watched as those red eyes moved about, tracking something.
Belatedly he realized the taller male was tracking Mineta who had his back turned to (M/N). His face was against the wall, he looked relaxed, but Midoriya knew the signs of tensing muscles.
He was moving slowly to stand up, close to the wall in a way you could only ever expect of a spider.
Once he stood up completely (M/N) was terrifying. He was taller than everyone else in the class, and while only being dressed in jeans and a hoodie he looked almost like a villain. Is that why he'd freaked out earlier?
(M/N)'s hands were trailing on the wall as he walked forward, silent as a free hand stuffed into his hoodie pocket pulled out the gun he used for his venom.
(M/M) was an all-over fighter, he could do short-range or long-range, but with long-range he couldn't use his venom which could incapacitate someone with one hit. With that in mind, the support class had made him a little gun he could load with his venom to use so he could inject it in a better way.
Midoriya looked around, looking to see if anyone else had noticed but everyone was watching Mirio and Tenya fight. He watched as (M/N) pulled the little vile that held the venom out, holding it against elongated canine teeth the collect the venom much like people do with snakes.
It only took a second or two for the vile to fill up, for (M/N) to be standing right behind Mineta.
He crouched down, still towering over the purple male, but Mineta finally seemed to realize something was wrong. Midoriya watched as he shakily looked up, meeting a mass of red and (E/C) eyes looking down at him.
Mineta tried to scream, (M/N) clamping a hand over his mouth with a light shushing sound.
Midoriya looked around again, but everyone was ignoring what was happening. He seemed to be the only one who had noticed, the only one close enough to hear the two of them.
Two of (M/N)'s hands come out into Mineta's sight, one holding the gun, the other holding the vile.
"You know what's in this?" he whispered, shaking the little vile of (F/C) venom. Mineta nodded erratically, trying to squirm out of (M/N)'s grip but was unable to move.
"Then you know what would happen if I injected more than I should, right?" Mineta nodded again, tears almost coming to his eyes.
Midoriya went back to earlier this afternoon again, to when (M/N) had been explaining his abilities. His venom was always a set amount, half an ML mixed with some solution to be injected via needle darts from his gun. It caused exhaustion basically, zapping anyone hit of their energy.
He'd told them that he would only use more if absolutely necessary, mostly due to Bakugo saying he was more resilient than the rest of them, but had proceeded to tell them what would happen if he used more.
It was still safe between 1 and 3 ML, depending on the persons size and their health records, but once you got past that it got dangerous. He had a Neurotoxic Venom, the kind that was used to paralyze prey in actual spiders.
He had explained that the general dose, besides the memory haze, would cause muscle spasms, cramps, twitching, sweating, drooling, and gooseflesh. As the dose got larger it would start to cause painful abdominal cramps, strange sensations, unstable blood pressure, and severe pain in the limbs.
Then, with a blush that rivaled Mina's hair, he had said in rare cases it could cause damage to Autonomic effects, such as temperature control, digestion, bladder control, and unfortunately sexual function. Basically, if he gave a bigger dose than safe he could cause any of the males to get a painful erection. He'd sighed after that, filling a little vile with his venom to show them all the color of it so they'd recognize it.
Coming back to himself Midoriya's eyes focused again, looking to (M/N) and Mineta who had been talking softly. Or (M/N) had been talking with Mineta nodding along the best he could.
(M/N) pulled back after a second or two of silence, putting the gun back in his pocket but keeping a firm hand over Mineta's mouth.
"Now I suggest you find a new hobby or you'll end up confused and dazed, not having any memory of the next 12 hours," (M/N) smiled lightly, head tilting a bit to the side, "You understand, right?"
Mineta nodded aggressively again, (M/N) smile getting larger before patting him on the back, standing up, and moving away from him. Midoriya watched Mineta for a second or two more before looking back to (M/N), flinching when he locked eyes with him.
(M/N) was just standing there, partially in the shadows staring at him. It was horrifying.
"(M/N)!" a voice called out, Mirio coming into the room with a shining smile.
Immediately all of the murderous intent left (M/N)'s system, a soft smile so different from the one a few minutes ago coming to his face. He looked exhausted, he had before but now even more so.
Mirio came over, talking excitedly and waving his hands around, gently elbowing the taller male in the ribs as he laughed at something. (M/N) didn't say anything, just smiled and nodded, ruffling blond hair when he had to leave for his next fight.
Mirio's smile fell once (M/N) was out on the field, turning to look at Midoriya instead of his boyfriend through the glass.
"What happened?" he asked, face void of the happiness it had shown with seconds before. Now he just looked concerned, confused and concerned.
"I don't really know," Midoriya started, rubbing at the back of his neck as he looked at the ground. "I'd gotten lost in thought so he'd startled me when he tugged on my shirt and then he scared Mineta when he was creeping on Jirou.
Mirio sighed, looking back to the glass that protected them from the fight happening below. (M/N) was fighting Mina, the pink girl easy to spot against the mass of rubble around them. She was laughing, struggling to breath as she slapped her thighs. Mirio smiled lightly at that, (M/N) had said some dumb joke in order to distract her. Partial for the fight and partial for himself.
"Yeah that's (M/N)," he chuckled softly, watching as the young girl fell over, laughing so much she was crying with (M/N) frantically crouched over her, clearing panicking as if he'd done something wrong. "He's always nice to everyone, easily excitable but he's also pretty awkward."
Mirio then let out a slightly forced laugh, rubbing at the back of his neck. "He's also always been someone who acts, so if Mineta was being a creap then I can't really blame (M/N)."
Midoriya nodded, watching as Mina struggled to get up, (M/N) helping her the best he could with their height difference.
Maybe he'd just caught (M/N) on a bad day? Hopefully, they could be friends, or at least get along.
#my hero academia mirio#Mirio Togata#mirio togata x male reader#mirio x male reader#bnha#bnha imagines#bnha mirio#angst
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ghostin him
Summary: Life is nothing more than dull colors for you, your world shattered and laying in the shards of what once was rather than focusing on what is. That is until you meet Kim Namjoon, who is immediately taken by you without realizing you’re a girl with a whole lot of baggage, through tears and many sleepless nights you’re faced with a choice of hanging on with bleeding hands, or accepting what is, and letting go.
‘What did you do?’
‘I ruined everything. I kissed her and she looked at me like I was a ghost.’
Pairing: Namjoon/Reader, Taehyung/reader
Word Count: 26k
Genre: hurt and comfort, angst with a happy ending, whew this one is gonna hurt y’all, bakery!AU, one sided pining, unrequited feelings, some more angst, Jungkook just really loves his Noona, Namjoon is a mess, but so is MC,
Warning: this fic deals with major character death, mourning and suicidal thoughts, please read with caution!
Note: whew, I’m not gonna lie guys this is a pretty heavy fic! I poured a lot of sad feelings into this as just a way to vent out my sadness! I’d also like to mention I am fine lmao! I often get bouts of sadness and all of it went into this so I hope you enjoy! Last but not least a big big big thank you to @tiny-onecx for beta reading this when it was a giant mess and helping me turn it into the bittersweet story it is today! <3
“Baby, come on, wake up,” His deep, dulcet voice quietly called out, a whine escaping you as you flopped onto your stomach, your face buried. Large hands grabbing your waist as his fingertips dragged against the open skin, “C’mon, you missed your alarm clock.” You felt his nose rub against your neck, hair tickling your skin and his body was so warm.
Rolling over you groaned as you glanced at the man who laid beside you, Taehyung’s smile lit up like the sun as he let his fingers gently brush over the skin of your face, “Morning.”
Adoration filled your whole chest, butterflies swarming in your stomach with giddy happiness you couldn’t ever adequately describe as a shy smile tugged on your lips, “Morning.” His fingers dragging down to your lips, thumbing the soft subtle lower lip. His forehead pressing against yours as he smiled once more, “Come on baby, let’s get up.”
“Get up.”
“Y/n, you’re gonna be late for work, what the hell!?”
Your eyes cracked open as you groaned, your roommate Jimin was already dressed and had probably already eaten breakfast as he sighed, frowning at your somewhat confused figure as your head snapped to the other side of the bed. It was like a sucker punch in the gut, seeing the other side of the bed empty. Tears already threatened to spill, the butterflies in your stomach were gone, his deep voice along with it as you realized Taehyung, the man you had woken up with was just a cruel dream, “I’ll be up in a minute.” You muttered, covering your face with your pillow as you choked back a crack in your voice.
You could feel Jimin’s presence stay in the room at the sound of your muffled sob, refusing to show your face from your pillow as you curled up away from him. You didn’t want to talk about it, he knew it, but it still hurt to watch you. Even after a year it was like time had stopped, would it ever heal? Your door quietly shut after a minute as you pressed your face into your pillow to quiet your sobs, hugging it close and praying maybe if you tried hard enough you’d fall back asleep where you’d be with Taehyung again.
It didn’t matter how much sleep you got, your body was permanently lethargic and tired, getting out of bed every day was always a difficult task. Tears stained your face as you grabbed your phone, sniffling as you muttered, “Shit.” You dropped your phone into your lap as you pressed your hands to your face. You were late. Again. Your boss had been understanding the first six months, but now? Not so much.
You got up, hurriedly wiping your face as you sniffled once more, fumbling with your clothes as you changed. Tying up your hair as you grabbed your phone before hurrying out the door, Jimin long gone for work so at the very least he wasn’t going to nag you for being late. It didn’t matter what you did, you tried everything, a new hobby, crafts, drawing, baking, nothing worked. Nothing filled the void in you. You could find Taehyung in everything you did, always.
Straightening yourself out you opened the door to the cafe you worked in. The only thing that made you feel better was working, filling your life with nothing but endless busy work to keep your thoughts off of him. It worked until you got off shift and rinse repeat. That was all your life had become now.
It used to be filled with vivid hues and rose colored glasses with Taehyung, he found beauty in everything and he showered you in all of it, he taught you optimism and love in a way you never thought you could feel it. You had gotten so used to his presence you didn’t even realize how much you radiate happiness when he was with you. Now your life is a bleak endless void; work, cry, sleep.
It’s all the energy you had to do anymore, what was the point in doing anything else? You’d never get to experience life in the beautiful eyes of Taehyung again. You sucked a sharp breath of air in as a voice called out, “Hey! There you are Noona.” Like a blessing from above your coworker called out with a big bunny-like smile.
“Thank’s Jungkook.” He hadn’t even said anything but you couldn’t help but give a weak smile in compensation for him not ratting you out to your boss who luckily wasn’t in today. He knew what happened, but he rarely ever brings it up, perhaps sensing you were still grieving and would prefer to keep your mind off it.
But you knew you couldn’t fool anyone, your smile always seemed sadder these days, Jungkook more than anyone could sense it. Rounding the counter you set your bag down as he asked softly, “Are you good?” That was all he ever asked, an open invitation that if you ever wanted to talk about it he’d be more than happy to listen. Many people in your life were like this, bless all of them.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” You mumbled, refusing to look at him as you dug through your things, pretending as if you were looking for something when you genuinely couldn’t look at him, few words could cause you to burst into a faucet of tears and you refused to cry at work.
If you turned around to look up at Jungkook’s stupid, soft, doe like eyes that were always so understanding you’d surely start crying. You didn’t have to look at your coworker to know he was frowning but said no more, just like always.
You didn’t mean to push all of your friends away, but you simply needed time alone, by yourself to get through this. If ever. Some days you couldn’t help but wonder if you’d ever get over it, if you’d ever love someone the way you loved Taehyung again. Pulling the apron on you pushed all of your sad thoughts to the back of your head and got to work.
Work was your happy place, as happy as it could be at least. You could pretend, just for a little while. That everything was okay, “Hey, where did the flour go?” Yoongi came out of the back complaining as he glared at Jungkook, “You closed last night.” His eyes narrowed into daggers at the younger boy who impishly smiled in response,
“Hyung it’s where it always is, didn’t you check the top shelf? It should be there.” Jungkook insisted as he followed Yoongi to the back who was grumbling, said-baker not liking his ingredients misplaced. You felt a small smile tug on your lips as you watched them bicker as the door to the back shut.
Turning away you walked up to the register where a customer had been scanning over the menu before ordering. Fixing coffee, getting a croissant, it was quaint work but something about it made you feel happy. Reminded you of simpler times.
The bell against the door rang as you popped up from your crouched position, setting the plate and coffee on the counter as you called out the customer's name before going back up to the register, carefully watching the man whose eyes met with yours suddenly smack right into a table.
You winced a little as he grunted in pain, rubbing his thigh that hit the hard edge of the table, his face looking oddly red as he rubbed his neck, unable to hold your stare for a even a short period of time as he awkwardly coughed, frantically looking over the menu, “Uh, you can take your time sir.” You raised an eyebrow as you glanced away, why was he making this feel so awkward?
“O-okay, thank you.” He offered a sincere yet somewhat odd smile, your eyes immediately flickering to the pretty dimples that poked into his cheeks before he quickly looked back up at the menu as you turned around to wipe down the counters that had gotten crumbs all over it. Presumably from Jungkook eating yesterday's leftover pastries that didn’t sell.
Casually you glanced at the stranger, sure you had a few new people every day but generally the cafe only had regulars come in or people that stopped in a few times a week. It was a trendy little place and was close to the city’s college campus making it a hot spot for friends to study at.
“You don’t look like you’ve been here before.” You commented causing him to jump, his eyes flicking to your figure before immediately back to the menu.
“I uh- Probably because I haven’t,” He gave an awkward smile as he closed his eyes, without even fully realizing it you felt your lips tug into a tiny smile as he began to relax a little at your observation, “My friend constantly talks about how amazing the pastries here are so I figured I’d come by and try them, just the smell is making my mouth water.”
Letting your arms rest against the counter you hummed, “You should try the coco cream cupcakes if you like chocolate oh! Or the sugar glazed puff pastries if you want something light and low on the sweetness.” Sugar glazed pastries were your favorite, Yoongi would always let you take leftovers home if they didn’t all sell that day. You always loved sharing them with-
“Alright! I’ll have two of the sugar glazed pastries then! Oh, can I get an americano to go with it?” He asked, seemingly confident in your choice of sweets or maybe just a little overwhelmed at how much was crammed onto the small menu.
To be fair Yoongi was always whipping out new recipes and they always tasted delicious, he eventually had to keep some limited edition due to the limited space on the menu and sometimes he’d put up seasonal sweets as well. Your favorite was never pumpkin spice but nutmeg and cider cinnamon rolls, it tasted like october. October would be coming around again soon, it was hard to believe it would be a year soon…
“Of course.” You coughed out, hands fumbling somewhat as you tried to keep your mind from sinking into a place where it would not return if you let it, “Name?”
“U-uh what?” He asked, looking somewhat sheepish and caught off guard as you glanced up from the register, tilting your head at the sight of his flushed face and eyes that kept jumping between you and the menu over ahead as if to appear like he wasn’t staring at you.
“For the order…” You replied somewhat hesitantly, a frown on your face as he suddenly laughed, looking mildly relieved as he rubbed the back of his neck. Still refusing to meet your gaze as if he seemed a little embarrassed.
“O-oh right. Namjoon.” He offered a weak smile as you wrote it down on his cup. Ringing him up you gave him his receipt before working on his americano. Jungkook just then opened the door to the back, the front of his black shirt completely covered in flour and his face looked as if he just sucked on a lemon.
“...Do I wanna ask?” You frowned though you felt your lips threatening to tug into a smile at his exasperated expression, turning to face the register as he mumbled something about accidentally putting the flour in the pantry. Setting the sugar glazed pastry neatly on a plate before placing the plate and drink on the counter calling Namjoon’s name who appeared to be typing very passionately on his phone before glancing up.
“Thank you- ah…” He paused for a moment, his eyes dropping to your shirt before he smiled brightly at you, “Y/n.” Your name tag was a little crooked today, making it stick out from your clothes in an annoying way but you couldn’t be bothered to adjust it.
You gave a small nod as you turned around, glancing at Jungkook who seemed to watch both you and the man- Namjoon like a hawk as you asked, “What?”
“Nothing.” He shrugged but it definitely did not look like nothing, before you could interrogate the younger boy he was already taking a customer's order. Sighing, you shook your head before you began working on the next order.
The day went by quickly as always, the only thing that stuck out was when Namjoon left, waving at you before accidentally smacking against a chair that had been left unpushed by a table, causing him to stumble. You weren’t sure why but something just seemed….
“He likes you.”
Your head whipped back over to Jungkook who was finished the last of cleaning before taking off as if his shift ended an hour earlier than yours. You couldn’t help but scoff as you rolled your eyes.
“I’m being serious Noona!” Jungkook frowned, waving his hand to the door where Namjoon had long since left, “He kept smiling like an idiot while glancing over at you working.” You crossed your arms as you tilted your head.
“You were watching him eat?” You raised a brow, Jungkook’s face flushing somewhat as he glanced away, mumbling a no despite knowing for a fact he definitely was, “He’s just a customer Jungkook.” You dismissed him making a cute pout tug on his lips. You...you couldn’t even think about someone liking you.
It wasn’t possible. Not right now at least. Jungkook sighed, his lips still tugged into a pout and those dumb doe eyes of his always getting the better of you as you scowled looking away, he was so stubborn when he wanted to be, “You might not be ready to move on Noona but that doesn’t mean other people can see that.”
Your jaw clenched and your eyes glared against the counter, refusing to look at him as he sighed, “Bye Noona, see you friday.” You mumbled a goodbye as you sighed, closing your eyes as you rubbed your forehead. Just keep breathing.
“Awh don’t cry baby,” Your cheeks squished and lips peppered against your face as you sniffled, trying your best not to cry at the sad scene in the movie but failing as a small whimper escaped your lips, “You’re so cute.”
You shoved him causing laughter to erupt from his lips as you scowled while sniffling, “Tae shut up!” He gave you a playful nip on the neck as he hauled you into his lap, pressing little kisses against your head as he wrapped his arms around you.
“Don’t worry baby, I’ll always be here to wipe those tears away.” He thumbed a tear against your cheek before his hands suddenly grabbed at your waist, a squeal leaving your lips as he ruthlessly tickled you, giggles escaping you as he pushed you down against the bed, “There’s that pretty smile.” He cooed, that playful boxy grin of his on his face as you squirmed beneath him, tears pricking in your eyes at how hard you were laughing.
Now your eyes were blurring out of sadness, funny how you took those moments for granted when you still had him. Your fingers traced the image of his face on your phone, it was a dumb selfie you had took one morning together when you were half asleep.
What you’d give to be with him again, have him beside you in bed telling you to get off your phone while whining to hold you. You could almost picture him beside you, his hair in a multitude of colors but your favorite was always that stupid blueberry dye he had insisted was indigo.
His hands would be cupping your face, your hand gently grabbing your cheek as you closed your eyes. He’d always thumb your bottom lip before letting his pads delicately trace up your cheekbone. Opening your eyes the bed was still empty, the hand on your face was not his, but your own.
Tears began to pool in your eyes as you rolled onto your back, closing your eyes as you felt a wet tear roll down. Sniffling as you sat up, you couldn’t be here alone tonight. Not surrounded by everything, wearing his old hoodie he’d always give you when you were cold, surrounded by memories of what could have been. What was supposed to be.
Fumbling you stood up, ignoring all the pictures framed of your smiling figure hugging the love of your life. Covering your mouth to keep yourself from sobbing, Jimin would have to be up early tomorrow and you didn’t want him to feel obligated to deal with you. Putting on your shoes you sniffled as you wiped your cheeks.
How late was it? Two in the morning? Maybe even three, you could never truly sleep anymore, not when you weren’t in his arms, not when every moment you breathed the ache filled you. Your feet took you to the only place opened this late; the convenient store. During nights when you didn’t have to work the next day Taehyung loved taking you here when you had a stressful day.
Always rambling about how nothing could cheer you up like a nice hot bowl of ramen. You couldn’t help but smile at the irony as the tears dripped down your cheeks. Wiping them as you entered the store. The cashier looked bored, headphones in and reading a magazine not even acknowledging your presence as you walked to where the ramen was held.
What you didn’t expect to do was ram into what felt like a brick, “Ah!” You stumbled as the man quickly grabbed you by the arms to keep you steady, taking a moment to steady yourself you glanced up only to feel your lips part, “Namjoon?”
“Y/n?” Namjoon hurriedly let you go, looking at you in somewhat disbelief as you flusteredly rubbed your eyes, realizing they were still wet with tears, “Are...are you okay?” He asked somewhat hesitantly as you turned away from him, tears flooding your eyes as your shoulders bobbed.
“Y-yeah.” You sniffled, trying to keep your breathing under control, “I’m okay.” You forced it out as you covered your mouth. Rubbing your eyes once more as you hesitantly took a peep at him, his expression said it all. Truthfully, anyone who had seen you like this always gave you that same expression. Pity. His brows pressed together and lips parted but frowning slightly, “I’m fine!” You forced a smile as another tear trickled down your face, turning away from him again you let out a soft sob as you closed your eyes.
“...Maybe we should get some ramen and sit down?” Namjoon offered while rubbing his neck, “I’m assuming that’s why you’re here?”
....
Glancing down at your cup of steaming warm ramen you sniffled, refusing to look up at the somewhat skittish man who seemed genuinely worried for you.
‘Come on baby, eat up, it’ll make you feel better’
Tears already blurred your eyes again as you closed them, letting out a soft sob, lips trembling as you chopsticks shook, slurping on your noodles as you suppressed your cries. The warm broth making you realize how hungry you were as you swallowed.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Namjoon offered, his expression sad, unsure of how to help you or even if he could, but it seemed he wasn’t leaving anytime soon as he began eating his own noodles.
You stayed silent as tears dripped down your face, clenching your cup with a death grasp as you forced the noodles into your mouth, closing your eyes as you savored them. Unable to even speak as you shook your head. You couldn’t talk about it...it was too soon. Even coming up on a year and it was still too soon.
You felt pathetic living like this, you were crying in front of a stranger while eating cup noodles at a gas station at three in the morning. Where would you be if Taehyung was still here? At home, asleep in his arms.
Closing your eyes you let the tears slide down your face as you surrendered to the hurt you had been drowning in the moment your life was turned upside down.
For the first time, you were grateful to have company, even if you didn’t speak a word to Namjoon he made one sided conversation, rambling about how he had stayed up too late studying for an exam and how he was hungry but didn’t have anything at his dorm.
“I’ve been trying to keep my Bonsai tree alive but...gardening is kind of hard to learn,” Namjoon continued rambling on, confessing as he looked a little embarrassed, awkwardly leaning his seat as he mustered a weak smile while looking down at his cup.
His voice was...soothing to listen to admittedly. Namjoon was oddly poetic in the most unexpected way, he told you he loved philosophy and going to the art museum in his free time. He seemed to be able to find anything to talk about even if you weren’t receptive, but oddly enough he didn’t seem bothered by it.
You were curled up, your knees against your chest and hood burying your face as you listened to him intently, your eyes undoubtedly bloodshot but you had stopped crying a good ten minutes ago, sniffling as he sighed, “But from what I’ve read basically if it doesn’t vibe with the dirt it just dies.”
The snort that escape you made his eyes shoot up to look at you, a giggle breaking out on your lips as you stared at your noodles which had become lukewarm, sniffling a little as a tiny smile tugged on your lips, shaking your head as you mumbled, “That’s not exactly how gardening works. You wanna make sure the soil is good quality and damp, dry soil kills plants fast when they transfer pots, you also need to make sure the roots aren’t overgrown when you transfer it to a bigger pot.”
“Oh? I didn’t take you for a plant expert.” Namjoon quipped playfully, that pretty dimpled smile on his lips, obviously happy to get a not just a smile but also a laugh from you.
You glanced at him for a moment, your lips quirking a little as you raised a brow, shaking your head as you smiled back at your cup again, “I consider myself a bit of dirt viber.” You couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped you as Namjoon joined in. After a moment you paused as you exhaled softly, your smile eventually melting off your face as you meekly glanced at your cup.
“I should get home...work in the morning.” You mumbled as you glanced at your phone, it was already 3:30 in the morning and you needed to be up by seven...the latest if you didn’t want to be late again.
Namjoon nodded understandingly, giving you one last smile when you left. Once again alone, yet for the first time in what felt like a long time, your mind lingered on those pretty dimples.
“You look tired Noona.” You glared at Jungkook who was sucking on a lollipop, giving you a bratty smile as he tried to ruffle your hair only to earn a slap in return, a pout forming on his lip, “Did you think about what I asked?”
Bless the little brats heart, Jungkook was genuinely trying to get you out there again but you had become a shell. You didn’t want to go to parties, you didn’t want to go to the park, you didn’t even want to get groceries anymore. You just wanted to lay in bed for a very long time.
“I’m not interested in going out Jungkook.” You glanced at him tiredly, truthfully you had a good excuse, you were running on three hours of sleep and caffeine could only carry you so far for eight hours, rubbing your eyes you sighed as he whined with a groan.
“You always say that!” Jungkook pouted, much to your surprise Yoongi had shown himself out from his cave as he pushed the door open, a fresh platter of sugar glazed pastries on rack as Jungkook huffed, “Just this once, please?”
“Jungkook,” Yoongi warned as he glanced at the younger boy, taking a glance at you as he frowned, setting down the platter he picked up a pastry as he handed it to you.
Glancing down at the fresh baked soft flaky treat you sighed, “Is this what’s my life come too?” Both boys glanced at you as you stared at the pastry, “Pity pastries and being dragged to parties?”
You shoved the sweet treat into your mouth as you chomped down on the soft doughy material, the sweet crisp sugar glaze was crunchy against the soft warm dough of the pastry. “Well hey, if you don’t appreciate my pastries...” Yoongi tried to snatch the half eaten treat from you but you hurriedly shoved it into your mouth as you glared him down.
The door suddenly jingled, catching all of your attention only to see the bright smile of only the most genuine and sweet person you had ever met, much to your surprise a more bashful person was being dragged behind him, “Hey Y/n! Kook, Yoongi!” Hoseok waved happily as he bounced up to the counter, Namjoon rubbing his neck as he gave you a somewhat sheepish smile before hurriedly looking at the menu.
“Lemme get a caramel macchiato with a carrot cake bomb and...oh! Are those fresh sugar glazed pastries…!” Hoseok’s eyes practically sparkled as Yoongi cleared his throat, ears looking somewhat pink.
“Fresh out of the oven…” He mumbled causing Jungkook to snort- as if he was any better around guys or girls for that matter. You found it all amusing as you already began working on the macchiato.
“And Namjoon?” You turned to glance at him as he perked at the sound of his name, he glanced up at the menu as he hummed.
“Could I try the mystic mountain tea? It sounds really good…Oh, with a chocolate stuffed croissant.” Namjoon answered as Jungkook rang them up, Hoseok’s attention was solely on Yoongi and you could tell he was excited by the way his voice became all fluttery. Yoongi rarely ever left the back room where all the baking was done.
“It is,” Your back was turned from Namjoon as you spoke, “It’s made with mint, pine needles and chamomile but we use cane sugar with it to give it a nice sweet flavor. It’s one of my favorites.” You smiled as you turned to face him, setting down the macchiato as you grabbed another cup. Namjoon’s smile seemed automatic, his somewhat slouched figure before straightening and it seemed as if he didn’t even realize it.
“Oh so you like gardening and tea?” He playfully quipped, rolling your eyes you turned to face the brewer again as you felt a smile tug on your lips, “You seem like a woman of many weird talents.”
Pouring the hot water into the cup you set it down as you glanced over your shoulder, “Says the one that’s struggling to keep his Bonsai tree alive.”
“Hey!” Namjoon’s brows pressed together and his dimples popped out making you laugh, “It’s not my fault it’s petty and sensitive to literally everything.” You waved a dismissive hand as you walked to the door to the back, intending to get the jar of tea leaves that somehow made their way back there, “Keep telling yourself that.”
Your figure disappeared as Jungkook tilted his head, a mischievous smile on his lips as he hummed, glancing between the door and Namjoon’s lopsided smile as he commented, “You know, that’s the first I think I’ve seen her smile in the past two months.”
Namjoon glanced at him as he frowned, “What...do you mean?” He asked carefully, his thoughts going back to last night, your eyes bloodshot and tears staining your cheeks, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t curious. But a part of him was worried at the way you seemed so melancholy. He could see it in your eyes with every interaction he had. They always seemed so sad. Namjoon was happy, grateful even though he had gotten a few glimpses at what your smile looked like happy, bright, beautiful even…
Jungkook shrugged, not answering as you reappeared, opening the door with tea leave jar in hand as you scooped the leaves up into a metal steeper, “Alright this should be done in a few minutes.” Jungkook had meanwhile set out their pastries but it seemed like Hoseok had Yoongi trapped, his ears were pink and he looked ready to crawl back into his little hole once more.
“So you’re coming tonight, right Yoongi?” Hoseok flashed a bright charming smile at the brooding male who shifted away from him, “It’ll be a lot of fun, Jungkook is going.” To which Jungkook enthusiastically nodded.
“...I need to go check on my pastry puffs.” Yoongi mumbled, his cheeks bright pink as he hurried back into the kitchen as you snorted, an amused smile tugging on your lips as the doors rocked back and forth.
Hoseok’s lips tugging into a pout as he sighed, “Do you think he hates me?” He shoved the pastry into his mouth as he glanced at his plate depressively.
“Uh no, he’s just a panicked gay,” Jungkook clacked his tongue, “I wouldn’t take it personal. If I can’t get miss broody here to go I’ll make sure he does.” Jungkook wrapped an arm around you as you glared at him, making a cheeky smile tug on his lips.
“You won’t go Y/n?” Hoseok shot you puppy eyes as you sighed. Hoseok was a regular at the cafe and chummy with just about everyone, if he was a sim character you just knew for a fact he’d be a friend to the world trait to a T.
He had been coming here for the past month straight which made you wonder if Hoseok was the one who recommended Namjoon come here.
You shook your head, offering a weak, tired smile as you shrugged, “Not my cup of tea. Speaking of.” You whirled around, pulling the steeper out of the cup before dropping in three sugar cubes before popping on the lid, “Here you go.” You handed it over to Namjoon who looked excited to try, something subtle yet innocent in his expression as he poked his straw through and gave it a sip.
“You were right! No wonder it’s your favorite, it’s delicious.” Namjoon complimented, something about his sincere tone of voice, or maybe it was those stupid dimples of his. Whatever it was your lips tugged into a smile and yet, you felt...bashful? Lowering your gaze a little as you rubbed the back of your neck.
“You should try the lavender dream next time if you really like tea, it’s another good one.” You offered meekly, suddenly feeling a little timid under his gaze as you fumbled with your apron. A sudden well of feelings dowsing you. Insecurity, guilt, shame. Why did you feel so bashful in front of Namjoon...how could you when...When Taehyung…
It felt like a stab in your heart as you inhaled sharply, “I-I should go check stock real quick for pastries.” You mumbled, leaving all three boys dumbfound. Entering the back you grabbed your head as you felt your hands tremble.
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt
How could you betray Taehyung like this?
You shouldn’t feel this way.
You don’t deserve to.
Taehyung would’ve never done this to you.
How could you do this to him?
Your heart was beating frantically as your hands trembled as tears began to trickle down your face, “Hey, hey, hey.” Yoongi’s voice felt far away as your breathing became quick, thoughts racing and your hands shaking.
Unworthy
Unworthy
Unworthy
How dare you ever think about replacing Taehyung.
“Yoongi said you had a panic attack.”
You felt like a child being scolded, wrapped in three different blankets and four pillows surrounding you while you sat on the couch in front of Jimin who frowned in disappointment. Of course he was disappointed.
“It wasn’t that bad…” You mumbled, glancing down as you tugged the blanket around you further making Jimin sigh, sitting down next to you as he pulled you close.
“Why do you always lie?” He asked quietly as you curled against him, letting your head rest against his shoulder, the kdrama you both had been watching long forgotten. When you woke up you were home, comfortable and warm. And for a half a second, you thought maybe it was Taehyung who you were laying against. Much to your heartache it was Jimin when you opened your eyes.
You had been expecting this conversation for the past hour, and lo and behold, here you were, “It’s easier.” You mumbled, eyes beginning to blur as you scoffed a bitter smile, “I’m so pathetic, I can’t even face my own feelings. It’s just easier to keep it to myself.”
Jimin’s grip tightened around you and even though you couldn't see him you knew he was frowning, “But that isn’t healthy Y/n, you know it just as well as I do. I worry about you, everyone does. You aren’t a burden to anyone. It hurts watching you go through this alone when we all want is to help.”
And here it was the tears dripping down your cheeks as you shook your head, a weak sob escaping your lips as you mumbled, “If I talk about it, that means I have to accept he’s gone.” You choked out, “And I can’t do that Jimin. I can’t.” You sobbed as you glanced up at him, tears streaming down your face as you pleaded, “I can’t.” Almost a whole year and you were still in denial just as much as you were when you first got the phone call.
You were still just as devastated as you sobbed into his shoulder, his arms wrapped tight around you as he stroked your hair. It seemed like everyone had moved on by now. Taehyung was just a name in the past. A ghost you couldn’t let go of. Jimin was the bridge between you both, he was the reason you had met Taehyung at all, this man was like a brother to him. But even the pain for him had lessened with time.
“I miss him too Y/n. I do. But you’re going to have to let him go,” You rapidly shook your head, your breath becoming uneven as sobs escaped you, tears staining his shirt as he murmured gently, “Taehyung wouldn’t want you to be like this.” Tears couldn’t stop pouring from your eyes, you knew he was right. But you couldn’t let him go, not yet. Just a little longer. Just a little longer.
Taehyung was a ghost and you were desperately clinging to every remnant you had left of him. This man was the love of your life, your soulmate, you needed him. You needed him. How were you supposed to move on with your life when you had to live with the knowledge of what could’ve been. Your body violently trembled as you drown yourself in tears next to Jimin who was always so strong.
The only time you ever saw him lose it was when you bursted into the hallway in the hospital, his eyes were bloodshot and all it took was one exchanged look before a dam was released in his eyes. Maybe he had numbed himself to the pain, it was difficult to tell. Jimin let his nose bury into your hair as he inhaled softly, tenderly stroking your hair in the same way Taehyung always would in these moments.
‘Baby, hey…Shhh…Come on don’t cry. What’s going on?” You shook your head rapidly as you tugged away from Taehyung’s grip, his hands keeping you in place and his face twisted into worry before he cupped your cheeks, “Sweetheart.” He pressed his forehead against yours.
“i-I-It’s stupid…” You whimpered as you closed your eyes, shaking your head as he pressed a kiss against your nose encouragingly, sucking in a harsh breath you sobbed out, “I-I overheard your conversation with Hyuna.”
Taehyung immediately frowned as he sighed softly, his thumbs soothingly rubbing your cheeks as he mumbled, “Baby don’t listen to her. She’s just a jealous old ex.”
“She’s right.” You laughed bitterly as you refused to look at him, “I don’t deserve to be with somebody like you-”
“Hey.” Taehyung’s voice was stern, his hands making you look at him as he pressed his forehead back against yours as he mumbled, “Don’t you ever say that about yourself, okay? I love you Y/n, you’re my girl okay? I would never take anyone else over you.” You closed your eyes as your lips trembled, his lips soothingly pressing against yours as his thumbs stroked your cheekbones.
It was a gentle kiss, your favorite as you complied, chasing his lips as he tried to pull back, making him chuckle against your mouth as he pressed multiple little kisses on your lips before breaking away making you whine with a sniffle, “Come on baby, let’s go get you some noodles, I’m sure it’ll make you feel better.” He gave you a warm smile as he brushed your tears away.
Smiling you giggled a little as you wrapped your arms around his waist, hugging him tight as you mumbled, “What would I ever do without you?”
“Crash and burn probably.” Taehyung joked with that adorable boxy smile of his as you smacked his arm, leaning on your tiptoes as you puckered your lips. Tutting he leaned down pressing one more chaste kiss on your lips.
Crash and burn, you wanted to laugh, he wasn’t wrong. He never was.
Jimin had eventually gotten you to calm down, a cup of hot chocolate in your hands and your legs over his lap, still curled close, but enough away to keep your grip on your warm drink, “How has work been, hm?” Jimin asked, brushing a few strands of hair out of your face as you sighed.
Shrugging a little you sipped the sweet liquid as you mumbled, “Same as always. Met one of Hoseok’s friends recently, he seems...interesting.” You rubbed your forehead, trying not to think about what happened earlier that day.
“Oh? Well it’s good you’re making new friends. Maybe he’ll be good for you.” Jimin smiled, patting your head as you tried to swat it, “Friends always come into your life when you need them the most.”
You didn’t comment on that, choosing to drink your hot chocolate as you glanced at the TV. Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong. You didn’t know, but you needed to be careful around Namjoon. If anything you knew that as sure as day.
You kept mainly in your thoughts the rest of the evening but Jimin kept you company the whole time, stroking your hair calmly while watching kdramas together. For the first time, you fell asleep easier tonight then you had in the last eight months.
——
You sharply inhaled as you clenched your fists, you were going to do this…! You could do this. You glanced up at the art museum in determination before stepping up the stone stairs towards the entrance doors. It was crowded today and usually you liked shying away from large crowds. But he never cared, always tugging you along with encouragement and laughter, somehow, he always made it so much fun.
Today a Degas exhibit was in town, the one Taehyung had been so excited about seeing, you still vividly remembered his bouncing figure as he shoved the flyer in your face. Your hands trembled as you opened the door. You wanted to see it today, for him. Clutching the Polaroid camera in hand tightly as your fingers traced against its smooth surface. He loved using this damn thing every chance he got.
He’d take at least a dozen photos of all the art pieces, even going as far as to shove the camera in your hands to pose in that dumb artsy way he always did. You felt the distinct smile tug on your lips imaging that brown burette on his head and those dark raven locks. Boxy smile reflecting back at you as he grabbed your hand tugging you along while spouting off random knowledge about whatever you were looking at.
You paused for a second, looking beside you as you felt a well in your throat at the sight of the crowd instead of your someone beside you. Closing your eyes you swallowed thickly as you forced yourself to breathe, trying to compose yourself.
With determination you walked up to the counter, purchasing a ticket to the exhibit before making your way down the massive lobby, artwork displayed on either sides of the walls and your shoes echoing against the smooth glossy floor. The exhibit was packed as expected but you stopped at each painting, letting your eyes draw over the dreamy muted yet colorful painting.
The Dancer On Pointe was the one Taehyung was looking forward to the most. Ignoring the ‘No Pictures’ sign you lifted up the polaroid camera, clicking it as the photo began to develop. Giving the photo a wave you smiled as you glanced at it. This was perfect.
Putting the camera and photo into your bag you made your way through the exhibit.
You looked at every painting intensively, hoping maybe the lense of your old lover would bless your vision and you’d be able to see it in the way he once showed you every single time. But to no avail, paintings were just paint, colors were just pigment. The magic was no longer there. Sighing you turned away from the paintings displayed beautifully, intending to leave before you smacked into someone, “Ah!”
“Oh I’m sorry!” The voice which had become all too familiar grabbed ahold of you to steady you as you glanced up to meet the eyes of Kim Namjoon, round specs between you and his gaze as he pushed them up against his nose, lips parting before twisting into a brilliant smile, “Y/n! Sorry I didn’t see you there!”
“O-oh...Hey.” You stepped away from him awkwardly, your gaze lowering as you tugged on a strand of hair, your heart beating faster but you could hardly tell if it was from anxiety or something else. You had been…you didn’t want to say you had been avoiding Namjoon but, he made you feel weird. In a way you weren’t sure you liked and you couldn’t even fully describe it.
“I didn’t know you liked going to the art museum! It’s nice seeing you here, I’ve missed you at work-” Namjoon suddenly coughed, immediately glancing away as he fumbled, “Not-uh- not miss, miss you but...you know…” He looked awkward and his eyes widened as he refused to look at you as if you’d turn him to stone if he did.
You snorted, unable to keep the smile off your face as you replied lowly, “No I get it, just bad timing,” Or you purposely scrambled into the back leaving Jungkook on his own everytime you caught sight of Namjoon opening the cafe door, “But uh, I’m...not actually a fan of going here.” You shrugged as you glanced down at your feet.
“Oh?” He tilted his head in curiosity, “Then...can I ask why you’re here? Or did you just wanna bump into me?” There was something...light -playful- in Namjoon’s voice as he flashed those dimples at you.
You kept your expression reserved this time making his smile dim a little as you glanced back at the painting, “I just came...for someone who couldn’t…” Your expression casted more gloomy this time as you wrapped your arms around yourself, looking back at Namjoon who seemed somewhat confused at your cryptic words, “I’ve never been a big art person.” You offered a weak smile.
“Well,” Namjoon hummed, giving you a small smile in return, “I hope that someone was able to enjoy your visit for them.” Your heart clenched as you glanced at his shoes, timberlands that blurred in your vision as you gave a bittersweet smile.
“Yeah…” You nodded as you glanced up at Namjoon, a frown immediately on his face at your glassy eyes and sad smile as you nodded, “He did.” You hadn’t even said his name and yet sadness had swept through your whole body like an ache you’d never cure. The longing you had for your soulmate who was gone, who you’d never wake up beside, who would never hold your hand again, who’s smile you’d never see as he pointed out all of his favorite paintings.
But Taehyung would be proud of you, wouldn’t he? Perhaps, if there was an afterlife, he would be an angel that was smiling while looking down upon you.
“Y/n…” You felt your lurch in your throat, as if it felt physically difficult to speak as Namjoon called your name softly, tufts of warm brown hair falling against his eyebrows as he asked with sincerity, “Do you wanna get lunch together? I know a great artisan cafe nearby.”
It was silent between you both for what felt like an eternity in nothing but a short second as you glanced back at the painting, and for a brief moment your eyes caught onto a sight of raven shaggy hair and an oversized brown cardigan. It looked all too familiar and your heart fluttered for just a brief moment until he turned around, not the face of your lover, but a stranger who embraced his girlfriend with a laugh.
Sighing, you turned to face Namjoon as you offered a weak smile, “No thank you, I actually have somewhere I’m supposed to be.” You couldn’t bear to look at him any longer, rather you chose to step aside and brush past him, feeling a melancholy gaze against your back but you refused to turn around.
Not when your heart ached and you felt so tired.
Stopping by the quaint little flowershop you had picked out a small bouquet of tiger lilies, his favorite, he used to love decorating the apartment to the brim with them, walking out of the shop you took a shaky breath of the cool air.
The evening sky was brilliant, Taehyung often remarked it was like God personally painted the sky every evening, always different from the previous day but just as beautiful in it’s own right. Your feet felt heavy on the pavement as you sighed, stopping at the arched gateway, glancing to your right where the sunset was shielded by the silhouettes of willow tree’s that gently swayed in a slow dance with the wind.
Stepping through you weave your way around the grassy corridors of walkways before you were near the middle of the cemetery, pausing in front of the gravestone where wilted flowers laid and dirt from the lawn mower had sputtered up against.
Kneeling down you gently wiped off the stone as your fingers gently traced the name of your lover, “I went to the art museum today,” Your eyes were already blurry as you smiled endearingly at Taehyung’s name printed on the stone, setting down the blossom of tiger lilies as you crossed your legs, “To go see that Degas exhibit we had made plans to see last Autumn. Ha…” You let out a short laugh as tears trickled down your face, “Do you remember when we got the catalogue in the mail? You knocked over your mug of coffee and it stained over half the pages,” You tried to keep your voice steady as a sob escaped you, rubbing your eyes as you gave a broken laugh, “You freaked out about it because it was hard to make out the dates but I told you to calm down and looked up the dates on the website.”
You wiped your face with your arms as you opened your bag up, grabbing the polaroid as more tears immediately dripped down your cheeks, “Here! Don’t you like it?” You asked as you set down the photo with the flowers, smiling despite the tears that welled in your eyes, “I know it’s your favorite, you wouldn’t stop gushing about it when you first saw the exhibit advertisement.”
It was quiet for a moment as you lowered your gaze, a whimper escaping you at the expected silence, tears dripping down your chin and splattering onto your hand as you sobbed, “Please come back.”
Your breath was trembling and desperate as you grabbed the gravestone, pressing your forehead against it as you tried to vividly imagine it was your lovers warm skin as your tears dampened the stone, “Please come back to me Taehyung. Don’t leave me alone. Please.”
Alone, you cried in the cemetery where your lover would permanently stay asleep.
“Just think about it Noona!” Jungkook whined as he grabbed your arm making you sigh as you turned to face him, “It’s a camping trip! We’ll be in nature, maybe you’ll feel better! I get worried about you sometimes.”
That wasn’t fair!
You crossed your arms as you sighed again, looking away from him as you felt guilty, not wanting to worry anyone but, you just needed time to yourself. You didn’t know when it would go away, if ever, but you just wanted to be by yourself. Alone were you could mourn in peace, where your heart could ache and tears could fill your eyes with zero shame.
Everyday that you spent ever since had become more and more painful. The ache became that much harder to deal, “Jungkook...you know I don’t like camping…” You mumbled as you turned away from him, rearranging some of the tea canisters to look busy.
“But you love gardening!” Jungkook whined again, fluttering beside you with those sweet doe eyes of his that always seemed to get you.
“There’ll be a log cabin,” Yoongi added as he appeared from the kitchen, setting down a fresh platter of bakery goods, “So it really isn’t camping, unless you’re gonna be Jungkook and set up a tent anyways.”
Jungkook flailed his hands as he glared at his elder, “What’s the point in calling it a camping trip if we aren’t going to camp?” Always the stubborn and hardheaded person he was, Jungkook insisted on his words as he crossed his arms with that pouty expression of his.
“Nobody called it a camping trip except you.” Yoongi turned to face him deadpan, Jungkook’s lips parted several times before defeatingly closing them as Yoongi snorted, “Yeah, exactly. Anyways, you should go. Shop is going to be closed anyways since Bang is going out of town to visit his parents. Unless you really wanna sulk in your apartment all week…” He shrugged as you sharply inhaled.
“I’ll think about it…” Jungkook immediately jumped, wrapping his arms around you as he smushed you against him making you squirm, “Thank you Noona! You’ll camp with me right?” He bounced in excitement as you pushed him away from you. Jungkook always had a lack of boundaries especially when he got excited.
“No.” You replied promptly as you turned around making him cross his arms with a humph, “Be happy I’m at least considering, you ungrateful brat.” To which Jungkook smiled cheekily. Sighing you leaned against the counter top with a hum. Maybe this would be good for you. You knew if Taehyung was here he’d be thrilled to go, immediately begging you to go with him and even saying he refused to go without you. You could never deprive him of something he loved and enjoyed.
Maybe...just maybe…
The doors just as always at twelve thirty rang as you all glanced up to see the embodiment of the sun wave and his moon beside him who was always more reserved, “Hey! You guys are going on the trip up to the cabin right?” Hoseok bounced up to the register as he set his hands up on it and leaned forward.
“Yes and we’re camping!” Jungkook wrapped an arm around your neck, squeezing it causing you to gag as you jammed your elbow into his stomach causing him to grunt before whining.
“No we are not!” You whipped around as you glared at him, your lips tugging into a pout of your own as you glared at the younger boy who stubbornly crossed his arms once more.
“Oh you’re going Y/n?” Hoseok clapped his hands in excitement as you glanced at the two men, instinctively lowering your gaze a little when you felt Namjoon’s eyes on you. They seemed sadder than normal.
Which wasn’t normal at all. Namjoon was- he always smiled, so why didn’t he today when your eyes met his?
“I might,” You admitted reluctantly, “I need to think it over.” Was he still thinking about your rejection at the art museum? Or your cryptic and weird words? Did he assume you were just a sad freak. A part of you desperately wondered why you didn’t see those sweet dimples today.
“Well don’t take too long,” Hoseok winked playfully as he grinned brightly, “We’re leaving Friday and we sure could use the company. Right Namjoon?” He elbowed the quiet man a little causing him to jolt before harshly glaring at Hoseok who seemed like a little boy who had a secret he was dying to tell.
Namjoon glanced back at you as he mustered a weak smile, but you could see in his eyes they weren’t glowing like they were before, “Of course we’d like you to come. But don’t feel pressured.” You nodded as you glanced back at the counter top. Unable to bear his gaze anymore. Trying not to overthink why he seemed so melancholy today.
Or perhaps he was always like this and your head had just played tricks on you? No...No you could remember Namjoon’s smile as clear as day, it was bright and lovely, his eyes glowed not like the sun- not burning and harsh- but like the moon, soft and almost nostalgic as if he lived every moment of his life with gratitude and peace.
So what happened? The only thing you could recall was what had previously happened. But surely he wasn’t upset about that? After all, he shouldn’t want to deal with a heartbroken girl who only knew how to cry.
Unless....No…”Well I better go get more chocolate bombs for the holder.” You mumbled as you turned around, pushing the door to the back open as you shoved your thoughts to the back of your head. You wouldn’t let your mind go there.
----
You couldn’t help but feel like this was a mistake, no matter how crisp and fresh the air was, the lake view was gorgeous and reflection off the water made it look like diamonds trickled against its surface. The car ride was over four hours and you were grateful to be on your feet with all the greenery.
You were definitely tired, not used to being around people so long outside of work after the past year. Feeling semi lethargic you let out a yawn as you rubbed your eyes, “Aren’t you excited Noona?” Jungkook curled his fists, his nose scrunched up like a bunny as he grinned like a child, “I told you it would be pretty here!”
You were tired, definitely, but you mustered a smile, a small one as you replied, “Yeah...it is.” You glanced back out over the lake before fixing your bag over your shoulder. Like Jungkook said, this would be good for you...hopefully...The cabin was fairly big and everyone, even you helped pitched in the rent for it for the next two days. Jimin was excited for you, telling you to try and enjoy yourself and if all else failed he’d come and pick you up.
You would certainly try your best to not let that happen though, of course Jimin would be willing to drive eight hours for you on a work day. Everyone was still outside, you could hear shouts and laughter, water splashing as you stepped inside the cabin.
It was warm and cozy, buried in neutrals and warm colors, blankets piled on the couch that sat in front of the fireplace. Walking around you examined each room before smiling a little, choosing the one that had a lake view, Taehyung would certainly love it. Pulling the polaroid camera out of your bag you lifted it up before taking a photo of the window. You’d make sure to bring it to show him when you came back home.
“I didn’t take you for polaroids.”
You jumped as your gaze snapped to the person who seemed to become all too familiar with you the past month now. Pulling the photograph out of the dispenser you gave it a little wave as silence sat between you both, “I’m not.” You mumbled as you carefully set the camera back in your bag, your thumbs edging the sharp stiff ends of the photo.
“Y/n,” You didn’t look up at him despite his voice sounding soft, feet gently padding against the floor and he was surely right behind you now, Namjoon’s voice soft, maybe even a little sad as he murmured, “Why do you always seem so sad when I ask?”
Letting your fingers trace against the photocard you let a small melancholy smile tug on your lips, “Because,” Your eyes blurred a little and your throat felt tight as you mumbled, “These things I do, going to art museums, taking polaroids, I do them because,” You turned to face Namjoon as a tear slid down your cheek, “He loved it. Even if I never did. I do it for him..”
Namjoon’s expression had hardened a little, he seemed lost, maybe even angry, maybe he was tired of constantly seeing tears in your eyes, he bowed his head a little, eyes seeming somewhat broody as he muttered, “I see…I’ll leave you to it, I guess…”
You weren’t sure why your heart clenched at the way his face seemed so forlorn, broody as he turned on his heels. Your throat squeezing and his name never reached your lips like you instinctively wanted too.
You thought that, maybe when he left you’d feel better, more at peace. But that broody expression haunted you as you sat up in the window seal loft, letting your knee’s curl against your chest as a dull ache came from your heart.
This ache was different, it wasn’t like the one you had anytime you thought of your soulmate. This was...different. New. Like something was wilted but still had a chance. Your chest felt heavy and your mind was telling you to go after Namjoon, to get him to smile and clear up whatever misunderstanding there was. You didn’t understand either, truthfully, what did you say to make him look like that?
You had opened yourself up and told him a little and he...he acted gloomy, as if life was sucked from his body. You didn’t understand but...but you’d like too...Watching everyone splash and muffled screams from the window you let your head press against the glass as you sighed. Closing your eyes, even in the crowdest places you always felt so lonely.
-----
It was a full moon out tonight, glossy and incandescent to anything you had ever seen. Oftentimes when you felt lonely Taehyung used to always tell you, ‘Just look at the moon whenever you feel lonely. Someone at that exact moment is looking at it as well. You’re never truly alone’
It always made you feel better, even now. Someone was probably looking at this same moon as you right now and you couldn’t help but wonder. What were they thinking? Was there a reason they were admiring such a beautiful sight as the sky? Carefully you slipped on your shoes, curling the cardigan around your body as you opened the main door of the cabin before walking outside.
Grassing brushing softly against your feet and crickets cooed with the rustle of trees and cool air, it was a little humid out but not hot enough to make you want to shed your cozy layer. Walking down the path you glanced up at the sky were the stars speckled across the deep midnight blue horizon.
You paused on your walk when you noticed a little wooden bridge, it wasn’t the cute sight itself but the person who stood on it, “Namjoon?” You called out softly to the man who was leaning over the railing, observing the moon that sat in the painted sky. He jolted before whipping around as you approached slowly.
“Y/n…?” He seemed surprised, of course he was, it was only two in the morning after all. You were supposed to be the only one out here right here, trying to clear your head, let go of what your heart didn’t want too.
Wrapping your arms around yourself you stepped onto the bridge as you murmured softly, “May I join you?” It was hard making out his facial expressions in the moonlight, but you thought maybe you saw hesitation on his face for a brief moment.
“Of course,” Even in the dark you could spot those pretty dimples, leaning back against the railing he hummed, “You’re always a pleasant company to have.” For some reason, his words took you off guard. They seemed...sincere, yet, distant perhaps? They seemed odd given the last time you had spoken.
You let your arms rest against the railing beside him, crickets sounding and the water gently lapped, even in the dark though the moonlight reflected against the water making it sparkle with assorted gems. It was quiet between you both yet the pressure in your chest swelled, the sudden need to apologize for earlier today. You weren’t sure why it felt imperative to do so. Or as if it was even necessary.
“I’m sorry if I said something wrong earlier-” “I’m sorry about what I said earlier-”
It seemed you were not the only one to have an apology on your mind. Both you and Namjoon had bursted at the same time before pausing, tripping over one anothers words before you stopped altogether. Glancing at him briefly before you both began to laugh softly.
“I’m sorry- uh you can go first!” You squeaked, glancing away from him as you looked back out over the water, letting your body lean against the old wooden grooves that scraped lightly against your skin.
Namjoon was silent for a moment before he replied, somewhat quiet, maybe even shy? “Well…” He drawled, “I just...wanted to apologize about earlier. My words were unnecessary and I shouldn’t have asked you such a personal question. You have every right to feel the way you do and it wasn’t my place to ask something like that.”
It was silent for another moment before you let your eyes flit to Namjoon’s figure, you could make out the silhouette of his face which seemed almost forlorn, in deep thought as he looked out over the moon, “Oh…” You mumbled, as you glanced back at your hands, fingers tracing the dry harsh groove of the wooden railing, “Well...I just wanted to say I’m sorry for…” You paused for a moment, what were you apologising for? “...being me I guess.”
You didn’t mean for it to sound depressing, but you supposed it was the truth, you felt like you had become nothing but a shell of a person since what had happened. Like you had become closed off, difficult to get to know, moody, temperamental. It was no wonder Namjoon was so fed up with your constant switch in behavior, “I know I’m...me...but...thank you for tolerating it. It’s nice having someone outside of my friends to talk to.”
“Don’t apologize for that.” Your gaze jumped to Namjoon, a little startled at how stern his voice was, you couldn’t necessarily see him but you could feel his sharp, judgmental gaze on your figure, “I’m sure you have your reasons. And truthfully, like I said. I just… had clouded judgment,” Namjoon murmured cryptically, “I let my emotions get in the way when I talked to you earlier today. I’m more than happy to be your friend Y/n! You aren’t a burden or something I’m just tolerating, I talk to you because I like you.”
You felt better but....something still felt withered inside you...you mustered a smile as you shrugged, “I guess so...I know I’m not always responsive sometimes...but...if we’re okay then let’s not talk about what happened anymore! What are you doing out here so late?” You didn’t want to dwell on what happened, it made you feel icky and gross inside even after clearing things up with Namjoon, you still didn’t understand why it wouldn’t go away.
Namjoon laughed a little as he shrugged, “To think, I’ve always been a bit of a moon child honestly. Looking up at the sky always helps me clear my head. I should be asking you what you’re doing out this late.”
You rubbed the back of your neck bashfully as you shrugged, “I couldn’t sleep tonight, I like going out on walks, get out of my room, my head.” You glanced down at the rippling water, a frown on your face as you held in a sigh. Truthfully, you couldn’t sleep because Namjoon’s expression kept playing in your head. The way he seemed so distant and cold earlier, it bothered you to no end yet you didn’t understand why.
So you came out here to look at the moon in the open, feel the warm air on your skin and maybe you’d find whatever you were looking for. It seemed, what you had been looking for was Namjoon, and of course there he was, on this bridge. You didn’t know what this meant or what to take away from it. But you were happy you found him regardless.
“I can understand that,” Namjoon chuckled softly, his expression soft as he glanced up at the night sky, gaze still somewhat muted compared to before but...it still seemed sad, maybe the kind of sad where you just accept a situation for what it was, “Well, at least the moon brought us together.”
His gaze met yours as you mirrored his smile, a little bashful as you rubbed your cheek, looking out over the rippling water as you mumbled, “I guess it did…” Letting your chin rest against your arms as you stretched out your back. There was something… oddly comforting about Namjoon’s presence? You weren’t sure, but you liked it…
You really liked it.
“Have you ever considered that Plato was just on drugs the whole time he was writing?” You slurped on your noodles as you glanced up to meet Namjoon’s exasperated expression making you smile as you snorted.
“Dualism?”
“Drugs. Who the fuck thinks about the mind and body being seperated in like 11 AD?” You snorted again as Namjoon groaned, sinking into his seat. He had been trying to talk about his latest readings to you and you had been...not making fun of it! Just...making the conversation interesting, “No seriously, didn’t they burn women back then for just knowing how to read? It just seems so...primitive for philosophy to be introduced so early in time with all things considering back then….”
Namjoon rubbed his face as he sighed, unable to resist the smile that tugged on his lips as he clacked his tongue, “Alright fair enough, what do you suggest we talk about then if you refuse to talk philosophy.”
You puckered your lips, holding your chopsticks animately as you replied, “We could talk about how corrupt the patriarchy was throughout time and how men used religion as a way to justify the oppression of women and slavery?”
You snorted at the way Namjoon, for the first time in your friendship seemed speechless, perhaps impressed, or simply just stunned before he sighed with a shrug, “Alright fine, but first of all some women actually did have some say in different cultures. But it had a lot more to do with classism then gender. Take a look at the Spartans as examples.”
You held up a finger as you replied, “Except the only reason women received burials was because they gave birth to Spartans? I mean A for effort I guess,” You rolled your eyes, “But that doesn’t change the fact that women were only honored for giving birth to men, still seems like a convoluted way of saying women weren’t worth even burials unless they were of some use to men.”
Namjoon hummed as he rubbed his chin, “Fair point, really I think because-”
“Well look who it is!”
Both you and Namjoon jumped at the sound of a chipper loud voice, your lips twisted into a mild frown at the sight of Jungkook and Hoseok’s shit eating grins, without invitation immediately plopping down in the booth, Jungkook sitting beside you and Hoseok mirroring him, “So what are you two doing on this fine day?”
There was something in Jungkook’s tone that made you shift awkwardly, why did he sound like you both were up to something when you weren’t, rubbing the back of your neck you mumbled, somewhat reluctantly, “Well we were just having lunch…?”
“Oh, you mean like-” Hoseok suddenly grunted in pain, Namjoon harshly elbowing him as he cut his eyes at his best friend. You glanced between the both of them, it seemed like they were having a conversation by only facial expressions before Namjoon spoke up, “We were just talking about the oppression of women through history. Thoughts?”
Both Hoseok and Jungkook wrinkled their noses, never ones to get involved in these kinds of discussions no matter how true they may be. Rather than talk about that, it seemed they had come over to, what? Stir the pot?
“Nah,” Jungkook attempted to wrap an arm around your neck as you shoved him away, a grin on his face as he hummed, “I just haven’t seen Noona getting out as of late, it’s good to see you both together.” Now you were feeling weird. Rubbing the back of your neck you looked away from all of them, well aware of your expression becoming flatter by the moment.
Namjoon was beginning to look apprehensive as well as he coughed, “Uh, well, we were just eating…?” He seemed somewhat sheepish and even if it was unsaid you could tell he was trying to make it clear this wasn’t a date...Right? You had paused mentally for a moment, but...this did kind of seem like a date…
No, friends could hang out! You nodded to yourself silently, Namjoon was a friend and you needed friends, and in order to make friends you had to hang out! And even so, it wasn’t like Namjoon was interested in you and...you...you....a lump in your throat formed as you pucker your lips on your cup. No you weren’t gonna go there.
“Right…!” Hoseok gave a bright yet odd smile as him and Jungkook shared a laugh, as if they knew something you didn’t, “Well, we’ll just ah...let you two get back to it.” He winked as Jungkook wiggled a brow at you before they both got up.
You felt confusion wash over you as you watched them both walk away, frowning a little as you sank back in your seat, “That was weird.” Were the first words that tumbled out of your lips. On one hand you wanted to ask why they were acting like that but...wasn’t it obvious…?
Namjoon offered a weak smile as he rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah…” His reply was hardly a murmur though as he looked down at his pork bulgogi looking not nearly as hungry as he proclaimed he was twenty minutes ago.
The rest of your lunch had become...stale...no matter how hard you or Namjoon tried the air of what had happened with Hoseok and Jungkook lingered and continued to pester the back of your head. What were they trying to insinuate? That it was a date? Because it wasn’t…! You weren’t…! You could feel frustration tug inside your subconscious but you didn’t understand why.
Namjoon and you were currently walking on the sidewalk, namely back to your apartment which just so happened to be on the same path as one of Namjoon’s acqtuance’s house where he had promised he would help them study. The weather was nice today, the wind was blowing a cool breeze and the sun was warm on your skin. On harder days you often tried to sunbathe, to soak in it’s rays and feel it’s warmth. You had read somewhere that if you soaked up enough warmth that it would manifest into positivity.
Or maybe that was just something you made up to make yourself feel better? On dimmer days you like grounding yourself in your five senses, even if they seemed dull and void. Today was not a bad day though. Not for the weather and neither for you. In fact, it was perfect. The air was fresh and you could smell the lavender bushes on the sidewalk that had been planted waft with each blow of breeze.
“I’m really sorry for what happened.” You opened your eyes as you paused, looking at Namjoon who walked beside you, his cheeks looked a little red and he wouldn’t meet your gaze as you tilted your head, unsure of what there was to be sorry for. His gaze flicked to yours, seeing your confusion before immediately following up, “About Hoseok and Jungkook...ah…” He gave a somewhat weak smile as he looked away, hesitation in his eyes, “It feels like they made things weird…”
“No..!” You immediately shook your head, not wanting to make him feel worse by admitting they really did make you feel odd, but you were positive that was your own self projection, after all you had that tendency with Namjoon since you first met… “It’s fine, you don’t need to apologize.” You offered a soft smile as you began to walk again, Namjoon following along said to you as you continued, “It was weird yeah, but, I mean we’re still friends so…” Pausing in front of the entrance of your apartment complex you shrugged as you smiled, “Don’t worry about it! They’re just being dumb. Anyways, i’ll see you later.”
You offered one last smile before heading into your apartment, Namjoon deflating somewhat as he sighed, watching you walk away once again as he rubbed the back of his neck, kicking a small pebble that had surfaced from the pebble surface of the resident sign, “Yeah...friends…”
Namjoon decided to not linger on your words, the more he thought about it the more it stung and he didn’t want to act like a kicked puppy, you didn’t owe him anything other then your friendship he just...He sighed as he began walking to his friends home, surely he’d give good advice. After all, Seokjin was highly popular with women.
After arriving at his apartment Namjoon hadn’t intended on letting out as much as he did, but it was admittedly nice to unload all of his feelings without feeling obligated to hold back, if he told his best friend he knew Hoseok would only make things worse despite having good intentions.
“So,” Seokjin plopped the sucker into his mouth, leaning back on the bed as his eyes glazed over the textbook, “You what…? Wanna bang her? What’s the deal?”
“No!” Namjoon immediately objected before groaning as he sank back in his seat, unsure of how to explain, “I don’t just want to sleep with her…” He muttered, “I just...want to get to know her. But it feels like there's this…” He waved his hand around, “Invisible wall, like she doesn’t want me to get to know her. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to make her like this though…” He paused a moment, evaluating all of his past actions. Namjoon was positive he was a nice guy, you owed him nothing but, he had hoped maybe at least his behavior would explain why you were like this yet...He genuinely couldn’t think of anything.
Well except maybe back last month at the cabin when he had gotten cold, the memory made him wince but...you had been even worse before then...So what was it…? Namjoon felt helpless as he glanced at his elder who shrugged loosely, pulling the sucker from his mouth as he replied, “Maybe it’s just her Namjoon. Regardless she doesn’t sound interested so you shouldn’t get your hopes up.”
Namjoon paused, could it just be you…? He never actually thought about it before, always assuming he was the problem. Not that you were the problem but, “I just wish things weren’t so easy to become awkward between us.” He sighed as he flipped the page of his book.
Seokjin eyed him curiously as he hummed, “Well what do you mean? Awkward how?” Seokjin didn’t consider himself a playboy like many would dub him but he had definitely gotten around enough to at least get an idea of how women worked emotionally, when to pursue and when to back off.
Namjoon shrugged as he replied, “It’s just...weird...I can tell she starts overthinking and questioning. Like it’s difficult for her to even go out for just lunch with me. Awkward like, just the idea of being on a date with me makes her wanna bail...that kind of awkward…” He slumped in his seat, “Am I really that unlikeable?”
Seokjin snorted, curving a brow at his friend who looked rather pathetic at the moment, “I think,” Tapping his lip Seokjin hummed, “She has some stuff she’s sorting out, and it’s not you. It’s just her, I’m sure if you asked her that, she’d say the same. If you haven’t been an ass to her in any way shape or form, it sounds like she’s just working through some stuff. Sucks but hey, you won’t know if you don’t ask…”
Namjoon groaned, he knew Seokjin was right, if he’d just got the balls and asked you he was positive you’d give him an answer...well- doubt filled his mind, “I think her last boyfriend left her, or...maybe he hurt her? I don’t know.”
This perked Seokjin’s attention, straightening a little as he curved a brow, “Oh?”
Rubbing his neck he shrugged as he weakly replied, “Yeah, she mentions some guy sometimes, whenever I ask about the things she does which she doesn’t enjoy. Like that polaroid she carries around, or she sometimes goes out to museums. I don’t know.” Jealousy oozed despite Namjoon knowing he had no right to feel jealous.
Just the idea of someone hurting you deeply upset and angered him though, especially if it was to the point of you closing your heart to anyone else, Seokjin pressed his lips together, “Huh...that is kind of weird. Well…” Seokjin rose a brow as he emphasised his words while glaring Namjoon down, “Guess you’ll never know if you don’t ask.” Namjoon could only muster a groan. Asking you had to be the worst idea ever.
----
“Come on! Noona it’ll be a fun way for you to get out!” You sighed in exasperation, looking away from Jungkook’s big puppy eyes that were just begging you to go with him, it was already hard enough to get yourself out of bed by noon today just to meet up with him for lunch let alone going to a party tonight.
“Jungkook,” You pressed your lips together, trying to look at him only for him to whine as he shifted in his seat, the food court in the mall was packed today with life and energy, you had promised Jungkook you’d help him shop for more dressy clothes today as he was...attempting to pursue someone. Whoever that may be as he was too shy to say, “You know I’m not into parties…”
“Just this once!” Jungkook begged as he laced his fingers together, sitting up in his seat with his lips jutted into a pitiful pout, “I’ll stay with you the whole time Noona! I think it’ll be fun! And if it isn’t we can go home the moment you say and- and I’ll buy you some kimbap and we can watch a movie of your choice!”
He drove a hard bargain, you sighed as you sunk into your seat, crossing your arms in thought, you supposed...there couldn’t be any harm in going…? You pressed your lips together as you closed your eyes briefly, just thinking about this made you exhausted but you knew Jimin would be ecstatic if you had went out tonight, he had been encouraging you to get out more and….”Okay let’s say, I went to this party...who would be there?”
Jungkook’s lips parted in excitement as you cut him off, “That I know.”
His lips immediately snapped shut once more, as his eyes dropped to the table somewhat sheepishly, “Look, Noona...Think of it like this, it’s a great opportunity to meet new people! Hoseok and Namjoon will be there! You know them! And they know people you could meet too! I’ll be there for what it’s worse…” He gave a bright bunny smile as you looked away from him, “Hey! Don’t give me that look!” He cried out with another pout on his face.
Taehyung and you both never enjoyed parties, he was a social butterfly sure but he always said he hated the taste of alcohol and besides, what was the point in going out when he could just stay in with you. It felt like a bitter prick against your heart at the bitter reminder. Right, you were gonna stay in tonight, maybe cry in the shower, wear that set of pajamas that used to match with his while watching a stupid romcom he loved.
“Woah, woah, woah! Hey Y/n.”
You closed your eyes as you put your hands on your face trying to cover the tears that rolled down your cheeks, “Sorry.” You sniffed as you felt both shame and embarrassment coil inside your body, all this time and you can hardly even think about him without crying still. It’s no wonder Jungkook probably doesn’t want to hang out with you.
“Noona!” Jungkook cried out, “You have nothing to apologize for, look,” He fumbled somewhat frantically as he gathered up the trash of your left over food, “You don’t have to go, it was just a suggestion! I don’t want you to be sad though so let’s go over to the Gap and I want your opinion on these two shirts okay?”
You sniffled as you rubbed your watery eyes, a snort escaping you as you replied, “The Gap has ugly clothing Jungkook.” To which he gasped in offense as you stood up with him.
“First of all don’t judge until you see, second of all you have horrible taste Noona, no offense.” You rolled your eyes despite the tiny smile tugging on your lips as you wrapped your arms around yourself. Maybe, Jungkook was right, and after all…he said he’d take you home if you weren’t having fun...
This was an awful idea. There was no backing out of this idea once you expressed your interest to Jungkook and he dragged you from store to store because this outing was no longer about him as it was finding something new for you to wear, he had even insisted on paying for it himself.
Jungkook was no longer in sight nor on your mind as he had been talking to Hoseok last you had seen him, who was cheerifully talking to him despite the shy look on his face. Of course he had gotten your permission, not wanting to leave you by yourself, just as he promised he wouldn’t. For as much of annoying brat as he was, he was also truly a sweetheart.
“Are you okay?” Your concern however, wasn’t on Jungkook right now given you were no longer downstairs as you paused and turned towards Namjoon who looked like he was having a mid life crisis despite being twenty four and at a frat party- but you supposed being younger than twenty one at something like this could cause that.
Namjoon’s eyes darted at the closed door and his mouth felt dry, opting to nod instead as you sat down on the bed. Truthfully you had made the pack to just stick to Jungkook tonight and let him do the talking but it was by chance you bumped into Namjoon here who had also been dragged to this party by his friend- Seokjin who was apparently a frat brother at this fraternity.
It was loud and the whole place reeked of weed, whoever wasn’t locked in a haze was definitely drunk and it had been over all unpleasant.
The one saving grace you had found was Namjoon, it was too loud downstairs and with Jungkook off with Hoseok you kept getting interrupted by other people asking for him. Finally asking if Namjoon would like to go upstairs where it would be more quiet.
And here you were, “It’s nice up here.” You glanced around the semi clean room, “At least it smells like Axe.” Which wasn’t much better than marijuana but you’d take it.
Namjoon snorted as he plopped down on the bed, a humored smile on his lips as he replied, “Yeah it just smells like a middle school boys locker room.” He laid back against the bed as he stretched out, closing his eyes as he soaked in the atmosphere, today felt...different...he wasn’t sure how but, he liked it.
You seemed happy today, or at least you looked happy. And you were smiling more at work. Namjoon really liked your smile, “Hey,” He hummed as he opened his eyes and glanced at your upright figure, “Why did you come tonight? I thought you didn’t like parties?”
You gave a somewhat sheepish laugh as you shrugged, running a hand through your hair as you replied, “Ah well…” You seemed a little flustered as you glanced away from him- not wanting to admit that Jungkook had nearly cried from begging you to come because he really wanted you to at least try it just once, all in the name of getting yourself back out there, but the one leading motivate that he continuously brought up, was Namjoon, “Jungkook wanted someone to come with him. He gets worried about me occasionally.” You rolled your eyes briefly despite the small smile on your face, “Says he doesn’t want me to become a hermit.”
Namjoon’s expression softened a little, that was something else he never quite understood, were your friends just that caring…? It seemed a bit unnormal the way they always eyed you with concern despite you brushing them off, “It just shows he cares.” Namjoon offered a smile as you sighed, flopping down onto your back next to him as you glanced up at the ceiling.
“I know,” You admitted as your smile slowly formed into a frown, your gaze hardened at the dirty ceiling as your brows pinched together, “I just…” You inhaled sharply, sounding somewhat frustrated as you sighed, “I just wish they’d treat me normal sometimes...you know? It’s nice knowing everyone supports me but…” You felt a bitter smile curl on your lips, “I can always see the pity, like I’m just a kicked puppy that needs a little love…They all mean well but…”
“I can understand why you’d feel frustrated,” Namjoon spoke up, rolling over to face you, sincerity in his eyes as he spoke, “I wouldn’t want to be treated like that either. It’s hard being in a room full of people who all look at you like you’re broken when you aren’t.”
His words hit deeper then you wanted to admit, your throat suddenly feeling restricted as you glowered at the ceiling trying to blink back tears. Perhaps it was the realization that people do look at you like you're broken. Maybe you were, afterall, you weren’t the same anymore. You could barely hold a smile on your face anymore.
You suffered long nights full of dreams of torment and tears in your waking hour to numbness and wondering why life was even worth living. You had debated on the fall from your window and you had even wondered about the knives in the kitchen drawers. You felt your lips twitch into a bitter smile as you laughed, feeling tears drip down as you replied, “I’d think the same if I were them. I don’t even blame them.”
Namjoon sat up as he frowned, looking resentful at your words as you wiped your face, “Hey.” You sniffed a little as you sat up, wiping your tears on your sleeve, “You aren’t broken, people shouldn’t be so quick to judge.”
“You’re just saying that because you're nice.” You scoffed as you glanced down at the bed, your eyes glaring despite the blur, you fought with yourself at night on why Namjoon was even friends with you, surely he just thought you needed help. Needed friends. Why did it hurt to think of it like that? It’s what you wanted, right?
You squeaked in surprise at Namjoon’s large hands suddenly cupping your face, forcing you to look him in the eyes as you were taken back on how intense his stare was, anger evident on his face as his jaw clenched, “Don’t assume that. You aren’t broken and I don’t look at you like you need to be fixed okay?” His expression softened a little as he watched your eyes begin to blur again, your shoulders shaking as sniffled, trying your damnedest to not cry as you gritted your teeth.
Defeatedly you closed your eyes as you let your tears fall, why couldn’t you stop crying? Why was everything so confusing and why did it all have to hurt? Namjoon let his thumb rub across your cheekbone, wiping away the tears that dripped down as you closed your eyes, “I don’t care what’s happened okay? I just want to help you be happy again.”
“I don’t deserve it,” You spat out as you choked on your tears, unable to even look at him, you felt so useless, worthless, all of the life left your body with Taehyung when he- your breath escaped you, catching yourself as you nearly choked on the influx of tears. It didn’t matter anymore, nothing mattered anymore. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back.
Namjoon could feel his heart crumble with every tear that dropped down your face, his thumbs soothingly wiping every drop away, “Yes you do. Please, don’t say that about yourself.” Namjoon felt like a faucet and he couldn’t stop the overflow of emotions, unable to keep it to himself any longer when you were so obviously in pain. When you hated yourself for reasons unknown to him, “You will always be worth it to me, okay?” He pressed his forehead against yours, his smile pained as you squeezed your eyes tightly shut, “There will never be a day I don’t think that?” He said breathlessly, his eyes dulled and pained at your sobs, “Don’t cry love.” He spoke softly, closing his eyes, letting the warmth of your skin seep against his as he rubbed his thumbs over your cheeks.
“I don’t know how. I-I’m sorry....” You mumbled as you sharply sniffled, trying to calm yourself down as your heart ached. You thought for sure you had gotten better, but it became apparent you were just trying to block Taehyung out, and you couldn’t do that. He didn’t deserve it. Taehyung absolutely did not deserve to be blocked out of your memory or forgotten.
“Shhh.” Namjoon hummed soothingly, his nose rubbing against yours, his fingers tracing down your jawline, “You don’t have anything to apologize for.” Your lips trembled at the feeling of his warm breath against your skin, you could feel the hesitation from him, just a ghost of brush from his lips as you sniffled before he fully pressed his lips against yours.
The kiss was wet, not in a very pleasant way, tears beginning to stream down your cheeks as his lips began to tenderly stroke against yours, his hands so warm against your face as you sobbed against his mouth, parting your lips at the feeling of his soft lips that felt so right against yours. It was like intimacy and warmth you craved.
The kiss which was gentle quickly turned more heated, your body immediately crawling closer to his as your lips parted for him, his tongue immediately pushing past to enter your mouth as dominance was immediately one, a soft moan escaped you as long fingers trailed down your face to your neck. Your body was lighting up at the memory of those long fingers wrapped around your throat, the heat of his body against yours.
All the sleepless nights you spent together moaning in passion. Taehyung’s hands trailed down your waist, squeezing tight making you whimper as you crawled into his lap, seeking the comfort only he could bring as you let his tongue lap and force yours into submission in a sloppy wet kiss.
The knock on the door immediately made you jolt, opening your eyes only to let out a yelp. This was not Taehyung- but Namjoon. You frantically fell out of his lap, all too aware of your shocked expression and tear stained face as you wiped your mouth...You just...kissed Namjoon...The twist of betrayal in your heart wouldn’t stop stabbing as the door opened.
Namjoon’s lips had parted, looking somewhat frantic to apologize and explain himself when he saw how devastated your expression was, “Oh- uh sorry.” Seokjin looked somewhat sheepish to see the both of you, a girl peeping behind his shoulder looking somewhat embarrassed herself, “Were we um…?”
“No!” You sharply replied, getting off the bed as you felt your hands violently tremble. You just...you just kissed...you imagined...you thought…“You didn’t.” You rushed past the both of them as you the music pounded into your head and it was like the lights became blurred but not from tears anymore. All of your senses were on overload as your mind sneered at you, you just kissed someone who wasn’t Taehyung, as if he didn’t exist, it didn’t matter whether or not you thought it was him. It wasn’t. It wasn’t Taehyung, how were you ever supposed to forgive yourself?
“Y/n! Y/n!”
You didn’t stop until you were suddenly yanked back, “Y/n please,” Namjoon looked at you pleading, “I’m sorry, I overstepped my boundaries and I shouldn’t-”
“I don’t like you Namjoon.” Your heart was frantically beating out of your chest as tears began to blur in your eyes, shaking your head as you pulled from his grip, “This- it wouldn’t work. Don’t waste your time.” Your voice was ice cold despite the tears dripping down your face as you glared at him, the hurt in his eyes was unmistakable as you turned around.
Your body in shock as you closed your eyes, letting the tears slide down your cheeks. Walking downstairs you bumped into the person you were just looking for. Jungkook had first smiled upon seeing you before his expression immediately became worried, “What happened?” He was by your side instantly.
Sobbing you covered your ears, the music and lights too much as guilt ate you alive, “I wanna go home Jungkook.” You felt like a child as you wrapped your arms around yourself, Jungkook immediately wrapping an arm around you as he guided you out of the house.
How could you ever function after this…?
“Y/n please, we’re worried.” Jimin kneeled down in front of you as your body trembled, burying further into your blanket curled up on the couch as you shook your head. You couldn’t even speak about what happened without feeling the violent urge to throw up.
How could you ever do that to Taehyung? What would he think? Closing your eyes you sobbed once more as you heard Jimin demand, “What happened? What do you mean she came downstairs crying?”
Jungkook sat beside you and had refused to leave your house despite it being three in the morning, concern washed on his expression as he replied, “I don’t know! She and Namjoon went upstairs for a while and then she came back down crying and asked to come home. She wouldn’t talk the whole way home.”
Just the sound of his name sickened you, your fists curling against the blanket. You couldn’t be angry at him, after all, you had enjoyed it. You craved it. You were the one who was disgusting. Jimin rested his hands on the couch as he looked at you with a frown, “Y/n…” His heart broke at the sight of your crumpled figure buried in blankets, “Did he take advantage of you? What happened?”
“I imagined him…” You sobbed as you whispered, lips trembling at just the mental imagine in your head, looking up at them with tears welling as you confessed, “I kissed him and all I could see was Taehyung.” You buried back into the blankets as you sobbed, tears staining the warm cotton as you closed your eyes, “I miss him so fucking much. It hurts, it hurts to even breathe knowing he's dead. What’s the point in even being alive if he isn’t here with me? I’d do anything to be with him again. I can’t fucking do this anymore.”
You curled up as you squeezed your eyes shut, confessing every single thought that had built in your head, “I can’t…!” You couldn’t even register who was hugging you or who was saying what anymore, it was all a blur.
You weren’t even sure when you fell asleep.
Waking up your head was groggy and you groaned, when did you get in bed and... why was Jungkook here? Jungkook was curled up next to you, his breath in a soft rhythm as you sat up, rubbing your head as you began to recall the night before, your suddenly squeezing as you swallowed back the shame and guilt.
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid.
You should’ve kept it to yourself- you were never supposed to say anything you said last night…”Hey…” You coiled away from Jungkook’s soft voice, deeper than normal as he had obviously just woke up, if he didn’t think you were a kicked puppy before he definitely does now, “Hey…:” His voice was considerably softer as he sat up, a frown on his lips as he spoke, “You don’t need to feel ashamed for last night Noona...it’s good to get that stuff out…”
Pressing your hands against your face you felt absolutely mortified as you remembered in vivid detail what happened at the party, “I kissed Namjoon,” You whispered under your breath, “And all I could see was him.” You swallowed the thick knot that squeezed in your throat as you felt Jungkook comfortingly press his hand on your shoulder.
“It’s a process Noona,” Jungkook felt his lips quiver a little, not liking seeing you in such despair, you often hid it well but overtones always lingered, it hurt seeing you like this, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” A soft knock on the door sounded through the room before it opened, Jimin poking his head in as his eyes turned sad at the way your body curled into itself.
“How are you feeling?” Jimin sat on the edge of the bed as you snorted.
“Like crap.”
You could hear them both chuckle and you even felt your lips tug into a smile briefly before they quivered back into a frown, “God, I’m sorry guys…” You felt awful, you ruined both of their nights and probably their sleep, just to listen to you cry.
They both were immediately objecting as you inhaled slowly, sinking into yourself as Jimin sighed as well, his gaze soft as he pressed his lips together, silence taking over the room before he slowly spoke, “Y/n...I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but...I think maybe, we should get you help…” You parted your lips, wanting to object but he continued, “You need help. Y/n,” His lips quivered a little, “I lost my best friend,” His eyes looked glossy as he forced a smile, “I can’t lose you too. Please, at least for a week, for me.”
You lowered your gaze as you rubbed your face, maybe it would be for the best, you were beginning to see things that weren’t there, Taehyung was everywhere you looked, you could never escape the ghost of him no matter how hard you tried, “I…” You glanced at the sheets in resignation as you sighed, “Okay…” You mumbled, “I’ll give it a try.”
Only because you didn’t want them to worry over you.
----
Namjoon couldn’t say for sure what had happened, but he knew, deep down, he had fucked up. Running a hand through his hair he groaned as he paused at the shop in front of him. He knew seeing you now was a bad idea, you’d probably go to the back room and you wouldn’t want to talk to him.
But he just…! He just needed to know why. Why couldn’t he be with you? He never meant to fall in love with you, but he loved your smile you rarely showed, or the way you’d give witty comments to every subject he’d try to be serious about. And for once, he loved being not serious. With you. Did he go too fast? Should he have waited?
Namjoon almost didn’t want to go inside, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to handle the rejection, sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long you wait, some people are just not interested. But he was so sure you were, your eyes always seemed so bright and lit up when you laughed together, or how it would soften and you’d listen intently to his worries. He just needed to know…!
Determined he opened the door to the shop where his lips immediately quirked into a frown. Jungkook had just finished serving a customer when their eyes met, a frown also on his lips as he looked away, “Jungkook…! Where is she?” Namjoon must have looked pathetic, his eyes pleading as he hurried to the counter where Jungkook shied away from him, straightening out some of the coffee canisters as he turned his back to Namjoon, “Hyung….I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He mumbled, somewhat meekly as he figidied.
Namjoon pressed his hands against the counter as his gaze hardened, “Is she not here?” Of course you weren’t here, he should’ve known you’d take the day off to avoid him. If the need to speak to you wasn’t imperative before it certainly was now, “Jungkook please, I just need to know.”
Jungkook pressed his lips together as he turned around, frowning as his big doe eyes searched his elder, unsure if you’d appreciate him spilling what had been going on. And truthfully it wasn’t his place either, Jungkook sighed as he spoke reluctantly, “It’s not you Hyung, it’s her...She knows that better than anyone. I won’t say anything because It’s not my story to tell...I’ll talk to her about it and if she says it’s okay I’ll let you know where she is. Okay?”
Namjoon could feel his lips tremble a little before lowering his head in defeat, Jungkook’s expression was serious and if this was the best he could get then he’d just have to take it, Namjoon felt pathetic and desperate but he just needed to see you. To at least know you were okay. Your expression wasn’t just shocked at the party...you looked devastated. He didn’t understand and he wanted to, he needed to so badly.
“Thanks Jungkook.” He muttered with a sigh as he rubbed the back of his head, his phone vibrated in his pocket for the fifth time, Seokjin had been blowing up his phone the whole morning, apologies and questions had been spammed and he supposed, he’d stop by the frat house and sulk.
Jungkook offered an apologetic smile as Namjoon sighed, trudging out the door in defeat as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, the frat house was a short walk from the cafe and he had spent the majority of the time trying to gather his thoughts into something comprehensible for his friend to dissect.
“You could’ve at least sent me a text!” Seokjin scolded as he opened his bedroom door letting Namjoon walk in, the bitter reminder of the same bed he had sat on not too long ago and let his emotions get the better of him. He couldn’t help himself though, he couldn’t stand watching you cry much less sob, and he had seen you in that state so many times. He just wanted to help, he wanted to make you feel better.
Seokjin frowned as he paused from his scolding at the way Namjoon dejected collapsed on his bed, walking over he searched the man’s empty expression as he sighed, “What did you do?”
“I ruined everything.” Namjoon sulked as he pressed his hands to his face, “I kissed her and she looked at me like I was a ghost. I asked Jungkook where she was but he won’t say anything.”
Seokjin hummed as he sat on the edge of the bed next to his friend, “Maybe she just needs time to sort out her feelings. I talked about it before but it’s pretty apparent now that she obviously has a lot going on, Namjoon.”
Namjoon knew that had to be the case, otherwise you’d already be apologizing when you didn’t even need too, right? You’d be trying to fix whatever that was last night, and hey, he’d rather have you as a friend then not at all. He loved talking to you, hearing your thoughts on life and the way you perceived the world.
When you first began talking, your world seemed dim, as if you filtered the world in only shades of grey. But the more you spoke and the longer things went on, the more Namjoon noticed you opened up, color began to flood into your world again in soft tones and smiles. He adored it.
“I just wish she’d let me help her.” Namjoon mumbled as he rubbed his eyes, “I hate seeing her cry, and I hate seeing her push me away, and it would be one thing if she didn’t like me, but you want to know the worst part Seokjin?”
Hurt quivered in his veins as he sat up, glaring down at the ground as he felt a bitter smile twist on his lips, “I can tell she does, why else would she want to talk to me after everything that’s happened? So why won’t she let herself just…! It’s so frustarting!”
Seokjin sighed, unable to help but feel a little bad for him, it was obvious somewhere down the line friendship and something more had become blurred, “I know man,” Seokjin consoled, “Just give it time. She’ll come around when she’s ready.
Three weeks.
That’s how long Namjoon had spent sulking, lectures he once listened to eagerly had become background noise, flavors seemed less vibrant and nothing was the same without you. By the sixteenth day mark he had almost given up, feeling despondent, he had stopped by the shop a few times only for Jungkook to shake his head in apology.
That was until today. Namjoon’s eyebrows shot up and his heartbeat felt like it was going to burst out of his chest, “Ah...well, we can go after I get off shift, if that’s okay?” Jungkook offered a small smile, happy to see his Hyung looking a little more upbeat then he had before. It was truly a sad sight not only seeing Namjoon but you look like kicked puppies the past few weeks.
“Yes! Yeah that’ll work…! Jungkook, thank you so much, you- you have no idea how much this means to me…!” Namjoon fumbled over his words, his smile bright and lit up, excited to see you again even if it was to just apologize over and over again.
Jungkook smiled a little as he shrugged, “I haven’t done anything, Noona is doing a lot better and she asked when I visited yesterday if you could come.”
Namjoon nodded taking in his information before pausing….visited? As in, at her house? He didn’t quite understand but regardless he was glad to hear you didn’t hate him, or at the very least you still wanted to talk to him. Namjoon would take almost anything you handed him now. Some may find it sad but he was desperate, for closure at least.
Sitting down on your bed you hummed, letting your fingers drag against the pages of the book you had been reading during quiet time for the past two weeks, Jimin and Jungkook visited you nearly every day for visitor hour but when you got the chance you’d try to read, like now.
Perhaps you were just trying to calm your nerves, you had asked Jungkook yesterday if you could see Namjoon...the past month had been...long...filled with tears and exhausting nights. You hated group therapy and the nurses constantly battled you when it came to any sort of physical activities. But as the weeks went on you reluctantly began to open up more, particularly during your singular therapy sessions, which helped the most.
‘Tell me Y/n, you said earlier that Taehyung was the most and loving man you ever met,’ you nodded at her words as she spoke, ‘And you have also said that you can’t allow yourself to fall in love because you’d of your fear of forgetting him.’
You looked at your lap as you didn’t comment, unable too, it felt good...to be able to just spill everything to someone who was listening objectively, your therapist wasn’t looking at you like a kicked puppy, her eyes weren’t dripping with pity, she simply was listening, ‘Yeah…’ you mumbled as you folded your hands together.
“Have you ever considered that, if Taehyung is truly as lovely as you describe him to be, that he’d genuinely want you to move on? That he would always want you to be happy? If he’s as kind as you say. Acceptance is never easy Y/n, especially when you’re grieving the love of your life.”
You hung your head as you felt your eyes water, a sniffle escaping you as she pushes the tissue box over to you as she gave a gentle smile, “But Taehyung would want you to be happy. I want us to target why you feel this guilt every time you try to open up to Namjoon,” She clicked her pen, “You’ve said in the past, you feel guilty because you feel as though Taehyung is judging you, but in reality Y/n, the only person who is judging you, is yourself. The only person who is stopping you from receiving this love, is you.”
Grabbing a tissue you wiped your eyes as you sniffled while shaking your head, unable to speak no matter how much you wanted too as she continued, “These things you’re talking about are symptoms of depression, the guilt you feel is your superego saying you don’t deserve to be loved because you would be betraying someone who is no longer here. This doesn’t make your feelings invalid, but,” She clacked her tongue, “I’d like us to work together to rein in the superego and get back to the root of your consciousness. On your own time, I’d like you to have Namjoon pay a visit and talk with him, but in the moments of doubt, when you’re mind is telling you to pull away or that you don’t deserve something, I want you to consciously and actively tell yourself that it’s okay to love again. It’s okay to move on, it’s okay to let someone else in’
‘What if I’m not ready to face him?” You sniffled, somewhat horrified at the idea of seeing Namjoon again, how could you ever face him after something so embarrassing?
‘You’ll never fully be ready to face someone Y/n,” She replied, ‘But the first step to letting go, in your case, is telling yourself, that it’s okay to be loved again. It’s okay that you’re exploring love again. The only way to accept your feelings and your loss is by moving on. Let yourself open up to Namjoon, tell him the reason your like this and it will make you feel a lot better.’
You weren’t sure if you were ready to see Namjoon but...you felt guilty, guilty for lashing out at him when he didn’t deserve anything and...your fist curled as you inhaled sharply ‘it’s okay to love again’ that’s what your therapist told you and told you to repeat to yourself anytime you were flooded with any feelings of guilt.
Leaning against the wall your fingers dragged along the line of words, trying to read but your mind wouldn’t focus. Jungkook would be here soon with Namjoon, your roommate, a young eighteen year old girl was out in the dining area with her boyfriend right now. She had been emitted by her parents due to her depression but she told you the only time she felt excitement was at six o’clock every day, knowing he’d be here.
Love really could heal, couldn’t it?
The knock on your door made you jump, the nurse Kang Min Soo opened the door, she was the one who shuffled you from activity to activity during the day, offering a small smile she said, “You have visitors Y/n.” Straightened a little you nodded as she opened the door, your heart beating wildly in your chest as your eyes first met with Jungkook who offered a gentle smile, the taller figure of Namjoon behind him, eyes curiously searching his surroundings before meeting yours.
Unable to hold his gaze you dropped it to your book, closing it as you set it on the bed, “Hey guys…” You mumbled, feeling a little shy as you shifted a little.
“I know you wanted to talk,” Jungkook hummed, looking a little brighter today then he had within the past weeks, “So I’ll give you both a few minutes. Jimin should be here in about fifteen minutes.” You nodded, murmuring a thank you as he nodded, offering a smile to the both of you before he exited, shutting the door.
It was quiet for a few seconds as you curled your knees into your chest, “...I’m really sorry…” You mumbled, feeling somewhat pathetic at being unable to even meet his gaze, Namjoon was still quiet and you weren’t sure if that was a good sign or not, “...I know I haven’t been the most transparent…”
The bed shifted a little as you glanced up meekly to see Namjoon sit down a good distance from you, looking a little careful in his expression before he suddenly blurted out, “There’s another guy...isn’t there?” He looked sullied all of a sudden, casting his expression on the ground, “You don’t have to tell me. It’s obvious you’re in love with someone else.”
“He’s dead.”
Namjoon’s gaze up shot so fast he could hardly process your words, his lips parting as he searched your broken expression, eyes watering as you laughed a little, a smile tugging on your lips as you continued, “Namjoon- I loved him, so much.” You glanced up at him sincerely as the tears trickled down your cheeks, the smile looked so bright yet so sad as you sniffed, “He was my soulmate.”
Closing your eyes you rubbed them as the wet substance stained your skin, “I’ll never forget that night. It was so stupid. Taehyung- he- he had worked overtime that day and got off shift late. Kept texting me saying how excited he was to get home and eat what I had made.” Your soft gaze became a fiery glare as you mumbled, “But by eleven he wasn’t home...and I waited...and waited...and then I began to get worried. It wasn’t until 11:30 that I got a call.”
Squeezing your eyes shut you forced a laugh, “It was an accident, a stupid fucking accident. Neither made it. The car pulled out too soon without enough time for him to stop, the car ended up flipped and they rushed him to the hospital, by the time I got there they had to rush him into surgery.”
It was quiet for a moment as tears streamed down your face, covering your sob with your mouth as you shook your head, “Three hours and I never even got to say goodbye. Jimin was against the wall in tears and I don’t even remember what the doctor told me. Just saw a glance of his body in the hospital bed before the door shut…. Sometimes I still wonder, if I had just told him to not worry about the extra hours, if he’d still be here. He would’ve listened, he’d do anything to make me happy…” Pressing your hands against your eyes you bit your lip to keep down the sob as you muttered, “But it doesn’t matter now, he’s gone…” Wiping your tears away you took a shaky breath, “I’ve been in denial, not wanting to accept reality for what it is. That he’s gone...that he’s...dead...that he isn’t coming back. When I kissed you,” You felt new tears already welling in your eyes as you lowered your head in shame, “You made me feel better, and I loved that feeling so much. But all I could imagine was him. It’s not your fault...you don’t deserve to be dragged along because of me.”
“Hey…” You covered your face as you felt arms wrap around you pulling you into a hug, you couldn’t help but crave the warmth of Namjoon, his steady heartbeat of still being alive, did it make you a sinner to crave his touch? “I...I’m so sorry Y/n, I had no idea...that was what you were going through.” He squeezed his arms around you as you curled against him, too weak to try and fight what you wanted so badly, “But I’m not going to leave you just because of this.”
Covering your eyes you tried to stifle your sob, guilt eating away at you at the idea of leading Namjoon on, he deserved to be loved by someone who could give him their all.
You couldn’t.
“Don’t cry,” Namjoon’s lips coiled endearingly, those dimples poking out as he tenderly stroked a hand through your hair soothingly, “We’ll get through this, and we can go as slow as you want. But I’m not going to leave you. Not now, not ever. Okay?”
He leaned down, pressing a kiss against your forehead as you closed your eyes, tears trickling down your face as you tried your best to push the toxic thoughts that invaded your mind away. Taehyung would want this, wouldn’t he? Right? Remembering what your therapist said you repeated the words mentally, it was okay to be loved again. It was okay to move on.
“Are you sure you really wanna try this?” You sniffed, rubbing the tears from your eyes as you looked up at him, lips quivering as you tried to smile, your mouth faltering as you choked out, “I’m a girl with a whole lot of baggage Namjoon.”
Namjoon let his hands cup your cheeks, his thumbs pushing away the tears as he gave you a soft reassuring smile, “We’ll get past this, okay? You’ll always be worth the wait.” He closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against yours. You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, closing your eyes as you felt the small smile tug on your lips.
Maybe...maybe you could get past this.
You had spent another two weeks at the mental institute before you had felt good enough to sign yourself out and try to pick up your life where you left off, the past month had been...interesting to say the least. Namjoon, much like Jungkook and Jimin, visited you every day.
Some days were good...others were not so much...But if you learned anything in therapy was to take things a step at a time. Your therapist thought it was wonderful that you had developed feelings for Namjoon, even if it didn’t feel that way. But she had encouraged you saying that it was a sign your heart was ready to move on and heal.
“I’m so glad you’re back Noona!”
Right now however, you were trying to push Jungkook’s large figure away from you, damn why does this kid have to be so strong? Jungkook was practically like a little boy, running around in excitement when he saw you were put back on your work schedule and has since hugged you for three minutes straight when you walked in, “Jungkook we saw each other Friday.” You complained.
“Yeah but…! You were in ugly scrubs yesterday and your hair was really greasy,” Jungkook gave you a sheepish grin as you glared at him before pushing him away as he whined, “Besides! It’s your first day back at work!” He clapped his hands, “And you look a lot better! Not as tired anymore, did you sleep well?”
You sighed as you finished tying your apron, unable to stop the small smile tugging on your lips, Jungkook used to be a lot more reserved in what questions he asked, but having since visited you every day it seems those barriers have long past melted, “Yes, I’ve been sleeping a lot better, but it’s probably because of the medicine I’ve been prescribed to help.” Your smile felt a little weak, but regardless, at least you were sleeping.
And truthfully, you did feel somewhat, renewed. Like you were no longer strapped to a heavy weight and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. You weren’t sure how to describe it, but you felt lighter these days. Of course you wouldn’t deny how much your being still ached for the man you once loved. You still saw Taehyung in the colors that painted the walls, in the sea you always drove past on your way to work.
But everything seemed so far away now, as if the life you had with Taehyung was just a fuzzy dream. Sometimes late at night you wondered if it was real at all. Yesterday had been painful no doubt, when you arrived home the first thing you did was throw away all of Taehyung’s old clothes you had been keeping. Even his old favorite shirt you always wore to bed. Just the memory almost made your eyes well with tears but you contained yourself.
Clothes were just clothes, and they wouldn’t make Taehyung come back, would they?
“Well at least the medicine is helping Noona, sleep is sleep you can’t be picky.” Jungkook was buzzing in happiness before his eyes darted to the girl who was standing at the cash register ready to order, flitting over he began to take her order as you peered from behind. Snorting at the way she flirtatiously smiled and Jungkook fumbled, ears going red as he looked away and rang up her order.
You couldn’t help but smile as you began working on her flat white, “She likes you.” You stated as Jungkook leaned against the counter, crossing his arms as you began to laugh, watching the way his cheeks lit up like little tomatoes.
“So!? I’m not interested in her.” He mumbled defensively as you clacked your tongue, shaking your head as you set her coffee down at the end of the counter. Of course cupid only liked playing in your love life. As if the universe heard your thoughts the doorbell chimed as your gaze shot up. Two all too familiar figures walked in, well the other bounced in excitement, “Hey guys! It’s good to see you back Y/n! How have you been?” Hoseok practically flew to the counter in excitement. Given his words you doubt he knew what you had been up too but you appreciated the sentiment regardless, offering a small smile as you shrugged, “Just needed a break to clear my head. I’m doing good. Word is you finally bagged someone.”
Hoseok’s lips parted before he prominently closed them, his cheeks looking red before the door to the back suddenly opened, Yoongi looking around before Hoseok flailed a little, “What!? W-who told you that…?” You looked between them as you raised your brows, unable to keep the smile off your face.
“Awh, gay is okay guys. You don’t have to be shy.” You could hear Jungkook trying to cover his snort as he turned away to grab the convenient tray of pastries from Yoongi who suddenly looked perturbed and embarrassed, his ears were red as he mumbled something before quickly pushing back into the back room. Hoseok puckering his lips before he caved, a bright smile on his lips as he leaned over, “Hey…you mind if I go back there?” You snorted as you waved your hand.
“Knock yourself out. Just don’t cum all over the stove.” “Y/n!” “Sorry!”
You laughed as Hoseok sped around the counter and bolted into the backroom as you shook your head. At least some things changed for the better over the month you had been gone. Shaking your head you hummed, “Someone looks like they’re in a good mood.” His words made your lips tug into a smile as you turned to face Namjoon who had been passively watching the whole situation unfold.
“You don’t know how long I’ve watched them pine for one another,” You replied, looking down as you wiped down the counter to try and keep your gaze from meeting his, it was weird, this warm burning sensation that tickled your insides, it almost felt like butterflies, “It’s nice to see them finally admit it. So are you just here to watch the gays or are you gonna order something?” You looked up, a weird half smile quirked on your lips and you probably looked stupid.
Namjoon leaned down against the counter as he shrugged, a smile on his lips and those pretty dimples on display, “What should I get?”
These feelings, constantly repeating to yourself that they were okay, it was all so new. It was hard not to get flustered at his innocent words as you turned to look at the menu before shrugging, “Well you like tea, what about Tropic Blossom? It’s main notes are orange blossom and hibiscus so it’s naturally sweet unless you want stevia in it?” You turned back to face him only to awkwardly look away, feeling your face begin to burn at the way he was looking at you.
It wasn’t provocative or anything sensual, but his eyes were lit up in a warm glow and his lips were constantly curved upwards in a smile, “Sure, with a chocolate scone too! Hey do you think you could convince Yoongi to make blueberry scones?”
You rang up Namjoon as you snorted, curving a brow with an amused look before replying, “You could’ve got one back in spring if you had just come with Hoseok earlier. He doesn’t take requests though so no.”
“Not even for me? Come on, you could convince him.” Namjoon leaned in a little, his lips quirking into a smirk as he hummed, “Just once.” You turned away from him as you tried to ignore the way your face burned. Jungkook had a shit eating grin on his face as he minded his own business, or at least he pretended to as he began making the Tropic Blossom.
“Just once Noona?” He couldn’t help himself as he gave you patronizing puppy eyes as you glared at him before he snickered, you shoved his shoulder though he hardly budged as you huffed.
“I will, in the spring.” You clacked your tongue as you tried to control the smile that tugged on your lips as you leaned down as you pulled out the scone, placing it on the plate as you set up the napkin, “Until then you’re just gonna have to live with chocolate.” You stood up, looking up at his figure as you felt a smile tug on your lips once more as you handed him his plate.
“Can I take you somewhere tonight?”
Your eyebrows shot up at his abrupt words, Jungkook set his tea down as he immediately spoke for you, “She’d love to- Ow!” You jammed your elbow into his rib as he squeaked, suddenly looking at you with sullied eyes like a kicked puppy as he trailed back to the register where a small line had formed.
Take you somewhere…? Like a date…? You weren’t sure if that’s what he meant but...you felt a little at war with yourself, you knew you should be excited but, “Only if you want to,” Namjoon could immediately sense the shift in your demeanor, offering a small smile, “Remember what I said? We can take this at your pace.”
Well...he was right, you could always head home early if things took an odd turn or...the guilt had faded but you couldn’t help but feel like you were doing something wrong, mustering a smile you nodded, “It’s fine! I get off work at seven though…”
“Perfect! It’s nothing special,” Namjoon’s smile brightened as he held his cup up, “I’ll see you after work then…” He tipped his drink to you as he gave it a sip, the doors to the backroom suddenly swinging up as you whirled around.
“What did I say Hoseok?” You couldn’t help the amusement you felt at the sight of Hoseok’s ruffled hair and the suspicious bruises on his neck that were absolutely hickies, he sent you a semi embarrassed and unappreciative look as he replied, “Just get my sugar glaze pastry…”
You couldn’t stop the shit eating grin on your face as you and Jungkook exchanged looks before ringing him up, “And a cumin shot to go?” His glare was worth the joke.
The rest of the day had come and gone, some hours slow and others fast, Jungkook and you would often go bug Yoongi when things were slow- well it was mainly Jungkook, but you were glad to be back. Things almost seemed...normal?
Was this what life was really like before....you felt a small lump in your throat form. Before Taehyung? The ache in your heart was still there, but it was no longer the force that would always cause you to topple. Maybe this was the worst part of it all.
The fact that the once beautiful life you had with Taehyung was over now. You felt a smile tug on your lips and your eyes gloss a little, but for the first time, it wasn’t out of sadness. But happiness, that at the very least, you had Taehyung in your life for as long as you did. Some things just weren’t meant to be. In this lifetime at least.
Taking a deep breath you pulled yourself from your thoughts as you finished cleaning the counters, Jungkook had already finished taking out all the old pastries and Yoongi had finished cleaning up the back, “You ready to go Noona?” Jungkook called out as he untied his apron.
“Yeah, gimme a second.” You called back as you tossed your rag into the sink, walking over to the coat rack as you untied your own apron. You glanced out the shop door to see a familiar figure standing out front waiting as you looked back down, suddenly feeling semi embarrassed.
Jungkook and Yoongi were exchanging glances and you could tell on both of their faces they thought this was both endearing and hilarious, all it took was one glare from you to keep them both from spouting any kind of bullshit.
Wrapping your jacket around yourself you snuggled up against the warm fabric that fought against the cold air as you walked outside, offering a meek smile to Namjoon who’s eyes lit up at the sight of you, “Hey…” You murmured, trying to calm your heart rate that spiked rapidly for no reason.
Keeping his hands inside his coat pocket Namjoon greeted you with a brighter smile, “Hey, are you ready to go?” You gave a small nod as you began walking beside him. The sun setting and the air was getting colder at night these days, soon autumn would be here and color would flourish in all the trees.
Warily, you couldn’t help but feel a small part of yourself that was…looking forward to autumn. It was always a welcomed time of year for you, when cinnamon was strong in the air and you could bake anything with apples in it. Bundling up next to a small campfire and the only time you could wear flannel without feeling self conscious.
“Where are we going?” You asked softly as you glanced up at Namjoon who peered down at you with a small playful smile, as if he wasn’t going to answer, but he thought it was cute you’d ask regardless.
“Somewhere.” Namjoon’s smile became bigger as he watched the pout quirk on your lips as you hummed, looking back out at the darkening sky, “It’s nothing special, just something I like doing when I have the next day off.” You tilted your head in curiosity as to where he was taking you.
You only felt more confused when you stood at the gates of the park, turning to look at Namjoon as you felt a smile curl on your lips, unsure of what to make of this, “Not even a hint?”
“Well,” Namjoon drawled, pressing his lips together briefly in thought before smiling once more, “We’ll be sitting down. I can’t say anything without giving it away.”
Sitting down? There was a playground here, would you be sitting on the swings? You hadn’t done that in a long time, but much to your surprise Namjoon walked right past only for your eyes to set on a blanket that looked to already be spread out and a...telescope? Namjoon sat down as he gestured at you with a laugh, “What’s with that expression?”
“Nothing!” You hurriedly replied, sitting down on the other side of the blanket, “I just…” You looked around before looking up at the sky, lips parting a little only to notice the dark sky blanketed with bright stars, “Didn’t expect this…” You murmured as your eyes darted from star to star, it was a clear night, perfect for stargazing, how long had it been since you even looked up?
Had you truly forgotten the stars existed before this moment?
Namjoon’s expression was warm as he gestured you over, “They look even better up close, you can see Pisces from here.” Leaning down you peeped through the lense as Namjoon guided the telescope as you let out a little gasp, “Oh! I think I see it!” You zoomed the lense out a little bit as you pressed your lips together, “Wait, I don’t think that’s it.”
You had never been good with astronomy but...something about Namjoon laughing softly as you straightened up, something about the way he passionately pointed to each constellation, the way the deep midnight sky melted between the flicks of white that all seemed so...alive…
You really liked this.
You must’ve spent the whole night, looking at the stars laying down, talking about whatever came to mind, you couldn’t take your eyes off the sky for hardly a second. It truly was beautiful.
“Hey, Y/n.” You hummed as Namjoon spoke up softly, “Do mind, if I ask...about him…” You stiffened a little, your dreamy gaze snapping to Namjoon, more awake now then you had been all evening.
As if noticing the semi spooked expression Namjoon quickly added, “Only if you’re up to it...I’m sure it isn’t easy to talk about it...But I just…” He seemed a little self conscious as his eyes flickered back to the sky, “I just wanted to know about him, what he was like, what did you do together.”
You felt a weak smile tug on your lips before closing your eyes, the night sky was no longer in your vision, but it was the warmth of your old home, the apartment you shared with Taehyung, his face which you hadn’t seen in so long was so clear, “He was…” You trailed off for a second before you felt your eyes water as a smile tugged on your lips, “Childish,” You laughed, memories of his pouty expression whenever you reprimanded him, “Playful definitely…” You sniffed as you wiped your eyes, the way he’d smirk and grab you by the waist, murmuring less than appropriate things in your ear, “God he was…” Opening your eyes you laughed again while shaking your head, “Everything I could’ve ever wanted. He made me see colors that don’t exist, noise became music, clouds weren’t just particles anymore,” Tears trickled down your face as you smiled, looking up at the stars, “He told me they were god’s canvas that he painted on every day. Taehyung, he saw beauty in everything.”
You paused as your smile slowly faded, closing your eyes as the pain washed over you, the dull ache in your heart returned as you rubbed your eyes of the tears you had shed, “It’s just…” You felt pathetic, still crying, still missing what once was, “Hard to believe it’s all over, y’know?”
You felt fingers tug at your hair before gently combing through as you covered your mouth, trying to stifle down the sobs that bubbled in your throat, “He sounds like a one of a kind.” Namjoon offered a small smile as you turned to face him, rubbing the warm tears from your face as you felt a smile tug on your lips.
“He was terrible! He’d start singing trot off tune and he always made such a fucking mess in the kitchen without cleaning it up!” Memories flashed by in your mind, flour all over the floor and Taehyung's voice low and raspy as he’d cough while trying to sing, the large boxy smile he’d give when you’d wake up to breakfast already made, “And he always left his clothes all over the floor because he never did laundry because he knew i’d do it for him if he waited long enough.”
“Oh? And how bad were the road trips?” Namjoon’s lips were tugged in a soft smile, laying on his side to look at you as his fingers tangled against your roots.
“Don’t even get me started,” You both laughed as continued, “Jazz was always a must and it was so boring to listen to for five hours straight and he always bought too many snacks! We went camping one time and...god!” You let out a breathy laugh, “Never again, we forgot to bring bug repellent in the middle of the most humid time of the year and apparently there was like this- retreat? For nudists at the campgrounds at the time and they kept coming over asking if we wanted to take LSD with them and it ended up raining the whole time!”
Namjoon was snorting out a laugh, humored as he asked, “What did you guys do? I don’t think I can imagine my camping neighbors as nudists.”
“We had rented out this shitty old camper van so we could keep all of our supplies in the back but, after a long day of being miserable and arguing half the time we packed up and intended on leaving,” You closed your eyes as your fingers traced against the soft blanket, “But when we were driving back we ended up taking a wrong turn and found a cliff side camping spot that was just gorgeous. So we ended up clearing out the back of the van and setting up a ton of blankets and pillows and we enjoyed the view.”
You could still feel the hard car floorboard against your body with just a few blankets for comfort, curled up against Taehyung with his arms wrapped around you looked out over the valley, that awful weekend ended up being one of your favorite memories, “We turned off our phones, worked through our problems, shared laughs and ate those stupid hostess powdered donuts, and he said it. That first I love you.”
Tears dripped down your face as you forced yourself to pause, you hated doing this to Namjoon, who obviously held back saying those same words, why was he even doing this to himself? He couldn’t have actually wanted to hear about him. You could see the way his heart always crumbled with every tear you cried, “I miss him so much. I’m sorry.” You whispered in overwhelm, memories you had forgotten resurfacing and you pressed your hands into your face.
“Shhh,” You were pulled against Namjoon, his arms comfortingly wrapped around you as he held you close, “It’s okay to miss him.”
-----
“I’m gonna hurt the roots if I just rip it out!”
You curved a brow as you snorted, Namjoon looked utterly distressed as he attempted to repot his newest set of flowers, mums in shades of deep burnt orange and burgundy, perfect for autumn, “The roots are overgrown!” You argued, “We’re gonna have to cut them down to put less stress on the plants for the love of god just listen to me!”
You pushed the powdered donut into your mouth before sitting down with him on the wooden picnic table, “Who’s the expert here?”
“You.” Namjoon unenthusiastically hmphed as he rolled his eyes, but curiously peered down at your hands that pushed down through the soil, carefully extracting the small square of mums as you swallowed the large clump of donut, “Alright we gotta clip these before you can repot them, it’ll promote more growth and they won’t die as quick.”
“It just seems…” Namjoon watched warily as you clipped the roots with zero hesitation, “...Counter intuitive. Isn’t this like ripping out their lungs?”
You snorted again, turning to look at him as you pouted animatedly, “Awh you think plants feel? I mean if you wanna get that graphic it’s more like...shaving their lungs…” You watched Namjoon’s nose crinkle in dismay as you laughed, “Seriously though, they won’t get as much nourishment from the soil if you just keep this big ass clump. Root pruning is kind of essential when you’re repotting store bought plants.”
“Alright but if my flowers die-”
“Which they won't.” You handed him the pruners as you gave him a cheeky smile, “Well go on, they won’t trim themselves.” You grabbed the bag of mini donuts before plopping another into your mouth, as you inhaled sharply. It was such a beautiful day out, the sun was shining and clouds big and fluffy.
It was the perfect day to be outside, which is why you were sitting on the picnic table that was one of many sitting outside behind your apartment building. Things with Namjoon have been...good...they’ve been great. It’s been nearly a month of consistently seeing one another, hanging out.
The pain is still there but, it’s gradually faded with time, you still go see your therapist once a week to talk over things in hopes of not pouring too much out onto Namjoon who was always so patient and kind. You frequented the park at night with him to stargaze and planting and taking care of any greenery had become a thing with you both.
You weren’t sure what it was but, being able to be open and honest about your past relationship with Taehyung, being able to talk about your adventures together, the things you loved and annoyed you about him. Somehow having Namjoon earnestly listen to it all brought you closer to him. You felt safe with him, like he’d wipe your every tear away.
You really didn’t deserve him.
Your fists curled in frustration having not caught the words in your mind. Your therapist had been really getting on you as of late to try and redirect your thoughts to more positive affirmations anytime you mentally said you didn’t deserve him. Like...you deserved to have his kindness in your life.
You could even step into the art museum now without much fear, only because Namjoon loved art and he often contemplated his love of philosophy alongside it. You really were thankful for him. But you couldn’t help but notice something lingering…something you couldn’t quite put your finger on.
“So I was thinking.” Namjoon hummed, his eyes purposely looking down at the soil that crumbled beneath his fingers as he pruned the roots carefully, “Why not attend that gala tonight? For Modernism?”
You tilted your head as you shoved another donut in your mouth, “Gala?” Your voice was muffled as you chewed before swallowing, “I thought you said it was stupid because they should’ve chosen to represent Baroque?” He had done things like this in the past before, it would be one thing if you were an art person and he was doing it for you, but you weren’t.
Namjoon looked a little apprehensive as he shrugged, gaining your attention more as his eyes stayed on the mums, “Well...I know you both used to like doing...you know, things like that…” He mumbled, making your mouth fall open. Oh...oh no…! You were afraid of something like this happening.
“Namjoon,” Your lips tugged into a pout, your voice gaining his attention as he peeked up a little, obviously embarrassed when he shouldn’t be, grabbing the plant from him tenderly you set it into the pot before grabbing his soil covered hands, his eyes anywhere but yours, “Those were things me and him liked to do Namjoon…”
“I- I just…” Namjoon fumbled a little, “I know you miss doing those things so…”
Your expression twisted sadly, had you said too much to him about Taehyung? You didn’t want Namjoon to feel insecure about your relationship...not that you were together but...things were obviously headed in that direction, weren’t they?
“I don’t miss doing those things Namjoon, I miss it because it was with him,” You watched the way he frowned, his shoulder’s slumping as he stared down at the table, “And you aren’t him. And I don’t want you to be him,” His gaze suddenly shot up to your expression that hardened, “Namjoon I don’t want to live in the past trying to make old memories new again when we already have something. I wanna create new memories that are just as happy,” You felt a little shy as you looked away, “With you, and with the things we like to do together. So don’t worry about it, let’s just stick with a plans to go to the park tonight, besides didn’t you say a meteor shower was happening,”
You were casual in your words, trying to play off your heartfelt confession on not wanting him to compare himself to your old lover, that wasn’t the kind of relationship you wanted and it wouldn't be Namjoon if he did things the way Taehyung did. They were two very different men with similar hobbies but for vastly different reasons, but you’d always love them both.
Wait…
“Draconids, but it’ll be a boring show. They say there’s only five meteors an hour” Namjoon smiled, his chin resting against his arm as he gave you a dopey smile making you laugh as you shook your head. His fingers playing with yours as you replied, “I’d rather be there then at a stuffy art gala.”
“Noona! Hyung! Oh did we interrupt?”
You clacked your tongue in annoyance as your hand, still intertwined with Namjoon’s dropped to table to see both Jungkook and Jimin waving, “No you didn’t, asshole!” You added as you yelled back, watching both Jimin and Jungkook belt out with laughter as a smile tugged on your lips.
It was originally planned as just a lunch outside but you and Namjoon had made more plans on top of that.
Jimin waved the bag of takeout he had gotten for everyone as they both sat down, grabbing the towel that was laid out Namjoon wiped his hands along yours as he groaned, “Ah I’m starving, why did it take you guys so long?”
“No reason,” Jungkook hummed, sounding oddly...content…? Your furrowed your brows as you looked between them both, Jimin’s eyes immediately shooting down to the bag of food as he coughed loudly, “Here’s your kebabs you wanted.”
You ignored whatever subtext was lingering in the air at the sight of you lamb kebabs, hands immediately sticking out with a smile, “Thank you!” When was the last time you had enjoyed food like this?
You could feel the warm rays of sunshine on your face and the cool breeze that passed over your body occasionally, was this what it was like to feel again? It was hard to keep Namjoon’s bright gaze that looked more and more like love these days, the way he’d just stare at you with that small smile and those dimples of his. You supposed, these days, maybe you really could fall in love with someone else.
And after all...that’s what Taehyung would want, wouldn’t it? Something continuously held you back though and...suddenly everything became so clear, you knew exactly what you needed to do. And you knew you didn’t need to do it alone. Watching Jungkook and Jimin bid their farewell after lunch your throat became dry as your heartbeat became faster.
“Namjoon,” You asked before you convinced yourself maybe this wasn’t as good of an idea as you thought it was.
He hummed, turning to face you, that bright smile on his lips again as he listened endearingly, somehow making it harder to speak and had the sun always been this hot? “...Would you mind going with me...to visit him?”
Namjoon’s pupils widened a little and his lips parted as if not expecting those words, he sincerely took a moment to ponder them and you appreciated more then if had unwillingly said yes, after a moment he gave you another reassuring smile as he grabbed your hands, “Of course Y/n.” You felt relieved as you gave a small smile in return, you knew exactly what you needed to do.
It wasn’t until the evening that you went to the flower shop, grabbing a small bouquet of tiger lilies before walking towards the cemetery, Namjoon doing a double take when you shyly grabbed his hand. Touches were innocent still, hand holding still new and it was admittedly welcomed.
The sunset was vivid today and it seemed just like yesterday you had rejected Namjoon’s offer for lunch in turn to come here, had that really been three months ago? You looked up at his figure that was looking ahead as a smile tugged on your lips.
The cemetery looked as it always did, serene, carefully walking in the passage ways and making sure to not step onto any graves you paused at the willow tree. Your heart still squeezed as you glanced down.
Kim Taehyung
1995 - 2018
‘For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream’
Sitting down you pulled out the rag you had packed, gently wiping off his gravestone as your eyes waters, a soft smile tugging on your lips as your fingers traced against the engraved name, “Oh there’s so many things I wish I could tell you Tae.” You murmured softly, closing your eyes as the tears slid down, the smile still on your face as you sat back, placing the flowers down as an arm comfortingly wrapped around you.
Sniffing you wiped your eyes as you leaned against Namjoon, your head resting against his shoulder as you closed your eyes, “I’ve struggled for so long to let you go. To let myself be okay with letting you go.” You could imagine Taehyung’s face, his dark locks of hair covering his eyebrows and his soft smile, hands cupping your cheeks, “And I’ll always love you. But I know you wouldn’t want me to go on the way I had been…So I’ve come here to say goodbye I suppose.”
There was an ache in your jaw and your heart throbbed with that familiar dull ache, Namjoon’s head laying on top of yours as he pressed a kiss against your hair, “You’ll always be with me, and I’ll always cherish the time I had with you. But it’s time that I let myself be happy again. I know you understand. So thank you for...everything. And leading me to the person I belong with now.”
You squeezed your eyes shut as the tears trickled down your cheeks, pressing into Namjoon’s shoulder, even despite your tears you felt, at peace? As if this was meant to be, accepting things for what they were, and that no, you weren’t completely over Taehyung, but this was a good start to letting him go fully.
Namjoon wrapped his arms around you as you sniffled, scooting against him as you curled up against the warmth he radiated, “I promise I’ll take care of her,” He spoke softly, a gentle smile on his lips as he looked down at your curled up figure, knowing this couldn’t be easy for you to do, “I know we never met, but thank you for making her happy. And I’ll continue to do the same.” He pressed another kiss against your head as he rested his head a top of yours once more.
Sniffles escaped you as the wind blew through the trees, a soft rustle being the only noise outside your tears as the willow tree swayed in contentment. And if you really wanted to reach, maybe this was Taehyung’s spirit giving his blessing.
For the first time, leaving the cemetery was like a breath of relief, it was as if you had learned to walk on your own for the first time in a very long time. The sun had already set and hand in hand with Namjoon you both walked to the park where you set out the blanket as the moon rose.
“Thanks by the way,” You turned to face Namjoon in confusion as he offered a small shy smile, “For taking me to visit him today. I know it wasn’t easy to do.” Your heart felt like it was doing little backflips as you crawled out to snuggle up against him, for the first time, craving his touch against you.
“Of course, but I’m ready to focus on us.” You still felt a little shy yourself but you wanted more than anything to get to know Namjoon, he knew everything there was to know about you by now in terms of your past relationship. There was an unquenchable inferno inside you that wanted to know everything you could about this man.
Laying down curled up against him Namjoon let his fingers tenderly run against your hair as he whispered, “I’m okay with that.” Your heart for the first time felt content, warm and fuzzy, all the hurt and all the tears you had spent crying felt like just a distant memory in the arms of your lover now.
Your eyes felt lost in the inky blue sky above the were speckles with stars that gleamed brightly, and there it was the first meteor that passed making you squeak in excitement, Namjoon smiled as he looked down at your expression that seemed so excited at the flashes of light that streaked across the sky.
Glancing at the sky Namjoon was surprised at the next few meteors that passed, and a few more before they came in dozens and dozens and soon the whole sky was lit up in light and the stars the seemed so muted before looked like gems that danced across the sky, light blues mixed with deepers shades of indigo and the streaks of white painted across the sky as he whispered, “This only happens once every few hundred years, where hundreds appear in the sky.”
Namjoon couldn’t look at the rare sight in the sky though, not when he could look at your eyes that reflected the whole sky in them, all the stars that surfed in your gaze and your lips open in awe at the sight and for the first time in his life, he understood what that saying meant.
‘For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream’
Namjoon would never leave your side for a single second, he pledged to himself, you’d both get through this together and you’d build a strong relationship. And he’d cherish you just as much as Kim Taehyung did, he’d devote his whole life to you if needed.”
“Namjoon,” Your eyes looked dreamy while you turned to face him, he seemed distant as he stared at you as you gave a bashful smile, for the first time able to say what you always felt, “I love you.”
#bts#kim namjoon#namjoon#namjoon x reader#namjoon x y/n#namjoon angst#bts angst#namjoon imagine#taehyung angst#kim taehyung#taehyung x reader#im so sorry yall#this is sad as hell
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Final Goodbyes
Summary: Your a Youtuber and in a stream you see this pen-pal app and download it, creating an account. This all happened months ago. The guy you met on there was amazing, and you talked for months until he just... stopped.
Genre: Angst?
warnings: swearing, fighting
Requested? No
Word count: 1402
I believe everyone deserves a second chance. No matter how difficult things are. No matter how ugly things got. But maybe sometimes, the problem is that I believe too much. Seeing good in every person, while of course, some people are just... not good.
But that's not how this story goes. No, he is good. I am a hundred percent sure of that. The question is, 'is he willing to change and show that side of him?'. I guess we won't find out if I don't reach out to him huh?
The grey laptop is on my couch, still warm from the last time I used it just an hour ago. Grabbing myself some hot chocolate I lay down on the soft pillows and pull my blanket up to my chest. Whilst finally deciding I'm comfortable in this position I grab the laptop again and open it, typing in my password. The device starts up, letting me in.
"miaow" a soft purring comes from the ground. My cat, Athena, jumps on the couch as soon as I pat it. "Hey there gorgeous" I greet her. The laptop dings, making it clear that it's ready to be used. I give it my full attention again. Should I really open Zaira?
Zaira is an online penpal app where you can anonymously make friends. I signed up about 2 years ago and never really managed to find someone I really hit it off with. You know, I just couldn't find the words to talk to any of the people who messaged me. My anxiety not really helping with making friends, of course, I thought meeting them online would be easier. I was wrong.
No one understood me, which isn't really surprising. I'm a bookworm, but also a gamer. I have lots of hobbies but not quite the energy to pursue them. The only thing that still has me uploading videos and streaming is the money and my supporters. My supporters standing first on the list, of course. I upload mostly gaming videos under the name Void. I go faceless. I never really liked my appearance for that matter.
I hesitate but still open it. The familiar logo greets me and only a moment after that my only friend on the site shows up, bringing back memories.
Zaira? What's this? "An online penpal app where you can add strangers and make friends. Now free in the AppStore!" I read the description out loud for my viewers. "Should I download it guys?" I ask the live chat, hoping they would say yes. Soon enough I get the confirmation from them and I click the button, hoping it won't take too long to download. I create a profile typing in my bio: 'Bookworm, Gamer, Weeb :)' The chat confirms that that pretty much describes me making me laugh. "Perhaps we can actually meet some cool people on here guys! Who knows?""Alright." I scroll through the site, reading people's bios until one of them spots the fans' eyes. The comments are going crazy fast right now. "click them!""omg Void, you have to message Sasori!" and more comments like that. I click on the profile, reading it's bio. Their given name is Sasori Matsudo. I laugh, explaining to some of the viewers that don't watch anime that these are names from Naruto and Death Note. "I suggest you watch them. those are some good animes!".
I smile at the memories and click on his profile. "Sasori Matsudo" the name rolls off my tongue. I chuckle "not a weeb huh?" Slowly looking through the messages, the familiar empty feeling enters my body again. To be honest, it never left. Ever since the fight, it was always there, following my every step. I close my eyes, letting the painful memories flood in again.
"I just don't understand why you can't talk about it with me!" your voice is slightly raised as you hold the phone in your shaking hand. "Because I just can't, okay! I can't keep throwing all of my shit onto you. you know I could never do that!" The man you know as Corpse yells back. You're both stressed out and upset, and this is the worst fight you ever had. You had decided to message 'Sasori Matsudo' on Zaira, and you two grew close very quickly. After 4 months of chatting on the site, he gave you his number. Not long after, he told you That he's the famous Youtuber known as Corpse Husband. You began to watch his videos and enjoyed them a lot, telling him so. In the fifth month of you two knowing each other, You started to call each other once in a while. That turned into calling every day, and soon you were calling more than 4 hours a day.
Your voice softens at his upset tone, realizing you're not the only one hurt here. You give a deep sigh before talking into your phone again. "I'm always here for you Corpse. I don't care how many times you call me, even if it's in the middle of the night. You make me feel better, you make me happy, and I want to be there for you. Please don't shut me out like this." you're practically begging at this point. He can't shut you out! Not like this.
"Void... You know I love you. Please, keep doing what you're doing, keep making videos and baking, and all the little things I love about you. But I just can't continue doing this to you. I'm sorry." He speaks up. The low voice you adore so much is soft and trembling. He sounds like he could break down crying any time now. "No, please, Corpse! Please don't leav-"
your phone lets out a long beep cutting you off. Breaking down crying, you hurl your hand against your mouth, attempting to silence your sobs. On the other side of the line, the man with the curly black mop on his head is doing the same. Tears flow down both of your eyes as void fills your hearts.
It hurts, but he knows he had to do this. He was always troubling you with his feelings, and he couldn't even show you his face! What kind of friend is that? Loud sobs take over his apartment, as his heart hurts, knowing he can't talk to you again.
And he didn't.
You lay on the couch, clenching your blanket awfully hard. You don't notice the tears streaming down your face till Athena climbs onto your lap and licks them off. You cuddle her in an attempt to comfort yourself, as the dark feeling in your chest grows stronger.
You open a new tab and type in his number. All the old messages show up. He probably blocked you, but you have to try. He wanted you to be happy, but then why did he leave you?!
After that night, he never messaged you again. Did he really not want to talk to you anymore? You ask yourself.
But all Corpse has been doing is lay in bed and upload videos once in a while. His followers noticed something is off, and so has his friends. He's acting off whenever he streams and rarely jokes around anymore.
You text him a simple 'how are you' and close your laptop after. The next day you check if he's replied. Nothing. You keep checking for two weeks, but nothing comes in. It's over. He's not coming back. You begin sobbing and lift yourself from the couch, scaring a sleeping Athena. You jog to the kitchen and shove everything off the counter, breaking some cups and plates in the process. Sliding down against the sink, you put your face in your hands, letting out an ear-piercing scream. The weight of the world is crashing down on you, and all you can do is cry and scream. The daydream is finally over.
Corpse saw your message. He's tried messaging you so many times, but each time he holds himself back. All he wants is to talk to you, but he knows he shouldn't. Well, that's what he believes is best. Every day he thinks about you, thinking that you have already forgotten him, though it's the opposite. You think about him every day, remembering all of the memories.
All the laughs and all the cries. All the comforts, to final goodbyes.
Hey Guys! I hope you're okay after this lil angsty piece of crap lmao. I tried my best. Anyways, if you have any comments or feedback, I always appreciate it! Oh, and 200 notes on 'Grocery Shopping'?!!??? Y'all are crazy, thank you so much!
If you liked this, my taglist is always open and so are my requests!
@persephone-sideblog @reinyrei @cherry-piee @alienvarmint @divine-artemis @milanienne
#corpse husband#corpse x reader#corpse x y/n#corpse fic#corpse imagines#corpse#x reader#Y/N#imagine#corpse husband imagine#angst#corpse angst#softboiicorpse
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{escort fic}
This idea has been in my head for a while. People on the server seem to like it. I’ve gone back and forth on whether this is ooc or not but nobody has mentioned that it is so I’m gonna roll with it. It’s just a concept idea but if people are interested I’m happy to turn it into a full fic so please do let me know. Can also be read on ao3.
@today-in-fic @mypanicface @improlificinsarcasm @baronessblixen @foxscully @gillywitch @arboreta @agirlcallednarelle @starbuckthirteen @clarke-oswald
- - -
He should go out and meet somebody. Get to know them, fall in love with them, build a relationship with them. Yet, relationships took time, he had been down this road multiple times and each one had ended just as badly as badly as the other, this recent relationship taking it to the next level.
He was divorced from somebody he once worshipped and the custody of their child on the line.
He wasn’t going to make a habit out of this. His hand and porn usually did the job but it didn’t always fill the void, fill that sense of loneliness that has been there since he was twelve. Sometimes he just wanted physical human companionship, sometimes he just wanted that too much.
Yet still even after swiping a leaflet that fell out of a magazine at the Lone Gunmen’s for an escort agency it took him a week to build up the courage to call them.
He chooses something called “A Girlfriend Experience”, picks someone somewhere within his age-range and tries not to feel guilty about the whole thing.
.:.:.:.:.:.
She was running late.
Tardiness never felt like an option with her yet Emily had refused to go to bed even after Dana told her she had to go to work. It had ended with Dana a few minutes behind and Emily asleep in her bed.
But it was time to push that life aside for now, to enter this restaurant as Danielle and Danielle doesn’t have a child named Emily or a pile of textbooks to study through.
The restaurant her client had chosen was nice enough; one of those business-y type places that not many wealthy people touched but it was still classy enough to be considered decent to use.
It was rare that she would be fed- food wasn’t often part of the price, after all, it was an extra expense. Besides, most of the men she had encountered just wanted a suck and a fuck and maybe the odd therapy session. Maybe around three of her requests were for this Girlfriend Experience and it wasn’t like she was rolling in requests that much anyway.
Dana had realised quickly the types of women men went for: blonde, tall, boobs. Short redheads who just about fitted into a B-cup never made the cut that often.
Yet, for whatever reason, she had be chosen. From the emails sent this man seemed nice enough of course from the stories she would hear that wasn’t something concrete to go off. People could carefully choose the words they typed, could portray themselves in a certain way online. The same could be said for in person interactions too but people were more likely to slip up during those.
For now, Dana is tucked away, she dons Danielle and approaches able 25 where her companion for the night waits for her.
When she gets there, it’s a gentle tap on the arm, a smile, and a simple “Hi, Mulder.”
.:.:.:.:.:.:.
Mulder’s heart stops in his chest as he stares at her, struck with the thought of how breath-taking she is.
He wouldn’t say little redheads was his ‘type’ but as he was going through the countless lists of girls he hadn’t wanted somebody his type, he wanted no reminder of Diana and so he had chosen her; Danielle, 5’3, 26 years old and the complete opposite to Diana.
He hadn’t seen her face before, for whatever reason she had kept it off the page, Mulder hadn’t been expecting much in terms of looks because of it yet he can’t keep his eyes off her.
He realises she’s said his name and almost comically stumbles his way to standing up, bashing a leg against the table making the cutlery jump and a brief amount of pain to ripple length ways across his right tigh.
“Danielle,” he says wincing through the pain. Her professional name knowing full well it wasn’t her real name. He might be new to this escort world but 1-800 numbers and taught him enough about fake names, maybe he should have considered using one.
She looks to be smiling at his clumsiness, fighting it back, trying to hide it.
A shaky start Mulder thinks, as he pulls out her chair yet she’s sitting down before he gets a chance to show how much of a gentleman he is.
He’s looking through the drinks menu when he realises she’s staring at him, drinking him in. It makes him feel self-conscious.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
Danielle seems to have realised what she was doing, she quickly looks away from him.
“You’re just…different to who I usually meet with,” she says.
Mulder smiles wryly and cocks his head.
“Is that good or bad?” he asks unsure himself.
“That’s good,” she tells him. “Usually I get the…older men and they definitely don’t go out of their way to buy me food.” She lifts her head up and smiles waiting for his reply.
He has none other than how strange he must seem to her right now, how sad. He also tries not to feel jealous at the thought of her with other men. It’s a thought that comes out of nowhere, a thought he has no right in occupying.
“So do you come here often?” she’s asking.
The answer to was that no. It was a drive away from his apartment, away from any potential sightings of colleagues or people he sees on a daily basis.
“Never,” he says realising this could be chaotic.
But she’s laughing and it’s one of the nicest sounds his eyes have ever heard.
“I hope you didn’t come here just to try and impress me.”
“Try?” he counters. “So I take it you’re not so easily impressed?”
She shrugs. “I’ve been told as much.”
Mulder leans in, surprised at how comfortable he feels around her, how at ease he is.
“Well tell me,” he says. “Are you impressed?”
She looks around the establishment, pretending to think.
“Hmm…I think you could have done better.”
“Okay,” Mulder says leaning back and giving the room a once around himself. He would say he’s done pretty well but she’s laughing again, giggling actually, and the restaurant doesn’t matter.
They order food, not that he’s particularly hungry anymore, but for some reason he doesn’t want this to end. Spending $300 a night to talk seems better than spending $300 on an apology.
“So,” Mulder begins. “What do you do aside from…this.”
He wonders about the answer he will receive. She’s lied about her name, will she lie about this or will to follow the truth as much as she can, altering things here and there. He wonders how much of her true name is in her fake name.
“Well…through the day I study mostly,” she says and this perks his interest.
“What do you study?”
“Uh…” He sees she’s searching for an answer and it breaks his heart to know that he isn’t getting the truth though he had expected her to be a bit more prepared for these questions.
“Chemistry,” she finally says. “I wanted to be a scientist.” She says it almost shyly, tucking her head in and refusing to look at him. He amends his previous thought, perhaps there is a truth after all.
“Wanted?” Mulder asks. “Is that still not possible?”
“Well…I guess so. I’m just worried about somebody hiding out about…this.” She purses her lips and shrugs.
Mulder wonder if he’ll get to ask why she does this but then wonders if that’ll be rude to ask anyway even if did get the chance.
“Well, let me pose you a question,” he says just as their food arrives. “Do you believe in the existence of extraterrestrials?”
He watches as she processes his question, her eyebrows knitting together as she attempts to formulate an answer and Mulder is curious as to what that answer is.
“Logically, I would have to say no,” she says slowly. “Given the distances needed to travel from the far reaches of space, the energy requirements would exceed the spacecraft’s capabilities.”
Mulder finds himself impressed with her, the certainty in her answer, he wonders if he’s getting a glimpse of a real person beneath the professionalism, other character.
“Okay, conventional wisdom,” he says, he expected it. “But when convention and science fail us, should we not start looking to the fantastic as answers?”
He thinks he’s caught her, she takes a while to answer, thinking it over through mouthfuls of salads. Mulder is too preoccupied with her mind to worry about the food that goes cold beneath him.
She swallows her food, sitting back in her seat and Mulder waits for the mental foreplay.
“That’s only if convention and science actually fail us.”
He thinks he’s in love.
.:.:.:.:.:.:.
There’s an easiness Dana feels around Mulder. He’s nothing like her previous clients who see nothing beyond her sexual capabilities. Mulder seems to be interested in her mind, in her and she worries she might have revealed too much of herself to him but it’s rare she finds somebody to match her intellect, her classmates can’t keep up with her, her professors shut her down in order to give other members of the class a chance. She feels intellectually frustrated at times.
“Why do you ask all this?” she inquires.
Mulder shrugs. “Oh, it’s just a hobby.”
“Talking about extraterrestrials is a hobby?”
He looks away and mumbles something she doesn’t quite catch.
“What was what?” she asks.
“I look for them.”
It’s endearing, how different he is from anyone else she’s ever met.
“Do you think you’ll ever find them?” It’s not to jest or to make fun of him.
“I’d like to,” Mulder says with an essence of hopefulness in his voice.
.:.:.:.:.:.:.
He makes the decision that he won’t fuck her.
He’ll pay $300 as a fee to access her amazing mind if he must.
They go away from the talk of aliens, something for which Mulder was glad. He has his own secrets locked away and if they continued on the subject anymore, he was worried they would tumble out of his mouth and he’d reveal how spooky he really was. They talk of other stuff, he throws conspiracy theories at her that he barely believes in himself just to hear her debunk them with finesse. She was the one who was right and he was wrong and Mulder is completely okay with that.
He stops when he reaches her hotel, this is the end of one of the best nights of his life. He’ll go home, think of her, perhaps rub one off to the thought of her, and that will be that. He’ll bin that leaflet and they’ll never talk again.
But she’s stopping when she realises he isn’t beside her anymore and turns with a puzzled look on her face.
“Tonight was great, Danielle,” he tells her. “I really enjoyed it.”
Her face almost seems to fall when she realises what he’s doing but she picks herself back up again, nodding.
“Well,” she says walking back towards him. “If we’re not doing that anymore at least let me give you this.”
Her lips touch his and fireworks go off behind him. Mulder feels as though he’s experiencing his first kiss all over again, new and exciting, and a fear that he’s doing something he’s not meant to do.
It doesn’t take long before he’s kissing her back, his tongue trying to gain access to her mouth and to her own tongue. She grants him permission, thank god, and he almost melts inside her mouth.
They fall against a wall, his head collides with the brick but he doesn’t care, there is nothing else on his mind other than the want to pick her up. He’s bent at an awkward angle because even in heels her forehead just about reaches his chin. He’s unsure what to do with his hands, on her hips, on her waist. She seems to become annoyed at his indecisiveness and takes his hands in her own, placing them against her ass all the while not breaking the kiss.
He grows impossibly hard as his senses go into overdrive. He wants her so bad when he said he wouldn’t.
“Danielle…” he moans coming up for air.
“Dana,” he hears her say and at first he’s confused wondering what she’s talking about. “Call me Dana.”
The penny drops. Her name!
“Dana.”
She’s back on him, kissing him harder this time and Mulder was kidding himself before; he’s going to make love to her.
#concept idea#potential fics#au#just another of my out there ideas#for reasons im not going to state#im incredibly worried to post this
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GLORY
pairing: suna rintarou x gn!reader
summary: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of god
genre: far cry five au, enemies to not-quite lovers, darker themes, villain au. tbh not really a ship fic </3
word count: 3.7k
warnings: heavy talk of religion, cults, cultish manipulation, dubious morality, use of guns, bad characters, haikyuu!! characters portrayed as villains, fake drugs, mentions of abuse, torture, injuries, implied noncon drug use and swearing
notes: i want to preface this by saying this is much darker than the content i normally write. it is not my normal content, and i am hopeful that i tagged everything properly; please tell me if i didn’t! also i dipped a bit into a character study of the main character’s fetch quest idea, in which you do all the work that other’s in game easily could! nonetheless, if you still wanna read—i hope you enjoy!
Hope’s County was a desolate piece of shit.
It was filled to the brim with cultists that seemed to think the Coming was approaching, in which the Lord would cast down those who did not repent for their sins. Truthfully, you weren’t even all that religious, but finding out about the self-proclaimed Sin family had turned you off to the idea even more, turning your back on the faith of a warped version of Christianity to instead focus on your job.
Called into the deteriorating county, you were a simple deputy—a rookie with barely a few years of work under your belt. You weren’t too keen on your police work, often finding the job as systematically fucked as the government officials that decided to turn a blind eye to the Sin family since the youngest of the bunch had more money to wave around than you did to pay your monthly rent.
“Rook,” an unfortunate nickname that’d stuck around against your protestations, your superior—Daichi was nice, if not a bit too optimistic—called out to you, waving you over to the map of Hope’s County, red marker furiously drawn all over, “you’re still new: y’remember what I told you about Suna?”
“Second oldest of the brothers, he’s considered the least of a threat due to the fact he’s often working in the Bliss fields.” You poke your head out the window a bit, eyes searching over the high reaching tops of ficus trees, “It’s not really known if he ingests the drug and experiences the hallucination of his followers, but it can be assumed that he doesn’t, to maintain the power over those that do.”
Daichi nods his approval at you, and you feel a flare of resentment somewhere deep in your belly. You try not to, really you do, you’re a good person who’s good at your job, and sometimes you go to church when it’s Easter, but in the same breath, you don’t remember the last time you’d ever even considered confessing your so-called sins to a Father.
The number one sin on your list, so Atsumu had taunted to you as he held a knife to your throat, was apparently Pride—too prideful of your supposed Savior of Hope’s County title you’d been given, pride thrummed in your veins after every member of his Father’s cult you wiped out. You don’t really remember what had happened after that, vaguely that his younger twin brother had to all but pry him off of you, reminding the blond of their Father’s purpose for you.
It was the only reason you were still alive, the Father’s so-called purpose for you—the fact he saw in his visions a future where you were a key piece, the final chess piece moving to keep a king in check. Even despite the list of sins Atsumu insisted that you followed, pride seemingly the one that harbored the most space in your person.
You, however, knew what your sin was. It flared red and angry whenever Daichi talked down to you as if your some odd years in the force were wiped clean, and you were a true rookie yet again, no smarter than a civilian to the dark ways the world worked. It made heat run through your body whenever Kita, the Father of the Sin family, called you his greatest masterpiece as if he had any say in the way you were slowly turning into a war machine—plowing through his followers with scary ease and accuracy.
Your greatest sin reared its head whenever you faced Suna, too laid back, too uncaring, and the antithesis of everything that you stood for.
Wrath, you learned, made your hands shake when he smiled at you, edges looping as if the Bliss he grew just poured from every pore of his body.
“Not that one can really want to ingest bliss,” Daichi murmurs into his palm a bit, leaning over his map of Hope’s County, “It’s more you get too close to it and the fumes of it will get you.”
Bliss was, just as the Sin family was, something you’d never even come close to encountering before. It was a drug that they’d found, or crossbred, and it had hallucinogenic effects on whoever inhaled the product it released.
Batches of it were found all over the county, but the root of the source was in Suna’s valley of the land, affectionately known as Heaven Valley by those who couldn’t remember the name, or didn’t try to. You’d seen more than one group of people in hazmat suits having to clear out fields of it, and just watching them made your head dip and spin with the would-be effects if you’d gone any closer than you already were.
Bush of full, green leaves with seemingly innocent white flowers on it, the plant itself was harmless, and yet when allowed to convert carbon dioxide, it made a lethal gas that made anyone who got too close go mad. It was said that the family had even begun experimenting with grinding it into a powder or melting it down to its liquid state.
“Bunch of fucking crazies,” You mutter the words to yourself long after you’d left the solace of Daichi’s office, somewhere out in the valley and far out of earshot of anyone that might wonder which group of people you were referring to—the ones producing cult members at a daily rate that was intensely concerning, or the ones trying to stop them, “God, I don’t get paid enough for this.”
“Hey, there, Dep, hope you’re tuned into my channel,” You could honestly groan, but you’re trying to make sure no one finds you on your perch in a tree somewhere, your 308 carbine’s scope not exactly focused on anything in particular, but at the ready. Suna’s voice is light and airy over the radio attached to your hip, though the sound is tuned to the earpiece you’re wearing, “Just wanted to let you know that ‘Tsumu’s missing you an awful lot. Says you left before he could have his fun, won’t stop pouting about it.”
You’re smarter than answering to a taunt that Suna sets out in front of you, and yet you can’t help but feel as if your lack of an answer is him winning. Maybe his so-called brother was right about the sin he’d tried carving into the flesh of your abdomen.
“You’d look real funny if I hadn’t picked up just now, Suna,” you whisper, eyes straying from the scope to the button that’s meant to be an answer to the other person on the line.
Suna’s laugh is a little grainy on the radio channel, but it’s not taunting like it usually is, joy written into the edges of his laugh, “And yet you’re on the other end of the line, answering me, dear Deputy. So who really looks funny in the end, hm?”
Fuck. The brunet had caught you, the lure of an unanswered challenge too much for you to pass up for your pride, a sin in and of itself. Maybe you should offer yourself up to Osamu and Atsumu again to get pride carved into your skin because apparently, your wrath wasn’t enough.
“Touché,” You start to climb down from the tree, slinging the gun over your shoulder as you huff into the receiver of the microphone. Your feet catch in the knots of the tree, and your hands start to blister a bit when you lose your footing, and yet Suna stays silent on the radio.
“Going silent on me, what was the point of the call—just to talk about your brother’s unfortunate hobbies with me?”
“Can’t a guy call out into the void and not expect someone to respond?” His smile is almost palpable over the radio call, however many times he flickers in and out of the call, “You’re always welcome to come visit my cabin, Dep.”
“Not in a million years,” feet now firmly planted on the ground, you have to right yourself a bit in orientation before you head towards the ATV you’d taken out to this part of the woods.
“I wouldn’t say that so definitely.”
Suna, of the Sin family, was often on the radio with you. He wasn’t always talking directly to you, no, sometimes he was just talking about idle parts of his day and there was a part of you that wondered if there was a part of him that just needed someone to talk to.
You always had to push the thoughts aside, however, tucking them somewhere deep into your chest so you wouldn’t sympathize with him. He was the cause for the murder of a multitude of people in Hope’s County, the root of the drug trade that went outside of the otherwise isolated county, and sometimes the despite it all, you sympathized with the man.
The Sin family was notorious in Hope’s County as not only being the leading members of the cult but because of their immigration status. Cast out of Japan in their early teens for following a faith so incorrectly, they found solace in the soil of a town in need of a direction, no matter how far off the beaten path it would take its members.
Kita Shinsuke, also known as the Father by those following their twisted version of Christianity, was the head of the operations. A prophet of fallacies or of forthcoming events, no one truly knew, and yet he claimed the words of God followed him in his sleep, that he couldn’t leave the Lord’s words unanswered.
The next of the group was often on his own, Ojiro Aran an isolated member of the family that preferred to stay in his section of the woods, away from the chaos that seemed to follow the youngest members of their little family. Ojiro was often known as the zookeeper, both for keeping the rowdy Osamu and Atsumu in line, while also because of his secondary role in the family—the trainer and breeder of wolves that were often used as indicators of one’s faith.
The Miya twins seemed to cause the most upfront issues for the Hope County Police Department, causing more than one silo to explode on the otherwise neutral farmlands. They seemed to have a flair for the dramatic, with their sins written on their bodies as if the Lord would accept their souls, rather than just their vessels. Sloth was scrawled across the younger of the two’s chest, with a matching Pride across the other’s, letters both a bit off-kilter.
The final member, of which enjoyed causing you, personally, the most trouble, was Suna Rintarou, genius beyond words and yet lazy beyond belief. For what he lacked in motivation, he made up for in creative and almost barbaric forms of punishment. His words were sharp around the edges, and yet they made everyone listen to the sermons he preached, like a moth drawn to the flame.
“My dear, sweet Rook, you seem to forget that this territory is mine,” you ignore the way he inflicts his claim on the land you’ve no right being on, and yet it sends something akin to fear down the lines of your spine, “You walk among these trees as if you’re hidden, and yet I always know where you are.”
“Sounds less like you know your territory,” you start, always willing to put up a fight with the brunet you’d not seen in at least a week, at this point, “and more like you’re stalking me—got a crush, Rintarou?”
“More like an infatuation,” his voice is just a purr, too velvety to just be jest, and yet there’s a part of you that knows you can’t trust a word this man says, “take what you want from that, darling, I’m not the one going to be thinking about it all night.”
Perhaps Atsumu had gotten your sin wrong, and perhaps there was a second option he’d never even considered—your human nature was multifaceted and ever-changing, and perhaps your sins were available in multitudes, rather than a singularity.
If he catches you again, you’d love to see his reaction to you saying you’d be willing to let him carve lust into your skin with his knife—love it even more if he asked who it was for.
Suna doesn’t say much more after that, just his usual spiel of the fact you need to atone for your sins, and that Osamu’s always willing to wash them from your skin in the river. You forget to mention your latest one isn’t one so easily erased from your skin, too deeply embedded in your bones, and you wear it like a second skin at this point.
That’s why you struggle, sometimes, against the Sin brothers and their outlandish claims of paradise meant for those who atone. You struggle because you know the weight of each sin you’ve ever committed—a book added to an already overflowing backpack of crimes against God.
Suna Rintarou, most of all, makes your blood simmer white-hot with unbridled rage—yet you’re not even sure why. It might be the lackadaisical smile that’s ever-present on his face, edges sloping and curving over his face as he taunts you, knives glinting in the sunlight of day. It might even be the way you want to press as close to him as possible, and run as far away from him as possible at the same time—ever the perfect contradiction, a paradox of which you’ve been unable to solve for your time at Hope’s County.
Perhaps the Sin family is right in the unmaking of the world, but your only proof is that God smites you by making Suna one of the most undeniably attractive men you’ve ever met.
Confident in a way that carries in the gait of his walk, and the way his shoulders settle on his frame, Suna knows that he’s got his claws deep in your skin—gripping you to keep you at a distance, and yet not letting you get any further away from him. As if you’d let him get away, your hands would be wrapped around the column of his neck—intent to kill or to offer pleasure, you’d just have to decide when the time came.
“Howdy, stranger.”
These woods must twist your sense of mind, pushing and pulling at the seams of your existence and the fabric that makes the foundation of your realities—the air must be contaminated. You’re not where you thought you were going: you’d been headed towards the Miyas’ territory with the sole purpose of destroying the sin of wrath that had been crawling its way up your throat, trying to escape at any chance.
Yet, you’ve ended up in Heaven’s Valley, and straight into Suna’s hand.
He stands before you, hands tucked into a pair of dark beige cargo pants with a loose leather vest as his only top, smooth skin covered in scars and tattoos on full display. For all that Atsumu spewed of repenting for your sins, confessions meant to be curled into skin with a blade, you had to admit that he was one hell of a tattoo artist.
Suna’s tattoos were unlike the harsh angles of Osamu’s, forgoing the looping script of the English language for the smooth strokes of Japanese. It was a harsh juxtaposition to the jagged letters of ‘greed’ splayed across the expanse of his lower belly, the bottom of the ‘g’ dipping underneath the waistband of his pants.
“Rintarou, what a surprise.” Your words slur a bit at the edges, and you’re not sure if it’s just from stepping into his land or being in his presence, but there’s a sinking feeling in your gut that Bliss dances in your system, “Can’t say I’m disappointed to see you.”
“How honest, sweet one,” his smile resembles a wolf, you come to the conclusion because despite the Sin family being described as a pack of foxes, there’s a carnal look in his eyes as he stares at you, “I like when you’re honest with me.”
“I like when you don’t shoot me on sight,” you vaguely remember a pistol at your hip, your carbine left behind in favor of a shotgun, “makes our little talks seem more personal.”
His laugh is clear, a bell in the fog that is your mind, “Do I often shoot at you, sweet one, for I believe it’s you that shoots first.”
“Mm,” you let your eyes flicker to his before you feel a crease form between your brows, “you still shoot back.”
“I never let a favor go unpaid, darling.” He’s closer to you now, a hand sliding along the curve of your arm, before resting just above your pulse point. His hand is warm, opposite of the cooling night air, “Yet you’ve done a favor for me I’ve not yet given anything in return for.”
“What?”
Your confusion is palpable even without your verbal input because Suna’s thumb is smoothing it away from your brow with his free hand. His eyes are darker now with the sun down, only the moonlight illuminating the outline of his face and there’s something about the sight that makes your skin rise, goosebumps lining your arms.
“Deputy,” the moniker is like a velvety purr against the exposed skin of your nape, “I’m a bit hurt that you don’t remember our very first meeting. It holds such a sweet spot in my heart, so for you to forget it cuts me deep to my core.”
You wrack your brain trying to remember the first time you’d met Suna, all those days ago at the beginning of the summer, when you’d been unscarred and unafraid of your allegiances. There was still a hopeful part of you, then, that had been so sure you could be the savior of these people.
“I don’t…” your voice trails off as you watch Suna walk back in front of you, his face calm as you worry at your bottom lip.
“Of course not,” a knife flickers in his hand, the silver blade gleaming in the pale light of the moon, “you were much too blissed out to remember, but there was information you provided that proved most useful.”
His hands trail along your arms, leaving goosebumps in his wake as you lean closer to him, drawn in as if connected by an invisible string. Suna’s leaned in closer now, close enough that you can feel his exhales fanning across your face gently; can see when his eyes flicker and dance on the lines of your features.
“Pretty little thing, too pretty to be fighting a war you never signed up for,” he muses softly as the back of his hand eases across your cheek, “my darling deputy, you told me you wished for an escape from the pressures, the responsibilities that the locals had forced upon you. You are but a single piece, yet you’re burdened with the work of a hundred pawns.”
You take a shuddering breath in, and you let the tension leave your body that had settled along the weight of your shoulders as soon as Suna let his presence be known. You let the need to shoot him rest, because despite this man being the suffering and cause of so many downfalls—he understood.
He understood your wrath, the feeling of it tingling in your fingertips whenever Daichi asked you to do a job that could easily be done by someone else. You were just a person who’d stumbled into Hope’s County at a precipice of change—down on your luck and thrust into a job and title that made you feel like an imposter. He knew your fists clenched whenever another civilian came to you, begging you to save their farm when indeed, it would do nothing in the end for the resistance.
Maybe he knew that underneath every mundane task that you helped others with, there was a vexation that ran along the lengths of your body at their inability to do things on their own. You loved the citizens of this county, you swore to protect them when you became a member of the police force, and yet an undeniable thrum of rage would flood your body when they leaned on you more than the other members of the resistance.
How lovely it was that someone else understood you, even if it was Suna Rintarou.
Why were you fighting them so hard? Your mind supplies this thought too easily, like shrugging on a hoodie on a cold night, and it flits around your brain and fills in the empty spaces that Suna keeps tearing in your psyche.
You remember the end of the sermon that Kita had spoken when you first went to arrest him, all those months ago when the summer was licking at spring’s heels. He’d been haloed in the rays of the evening sun that filtered into the partially broken down church, hands spread with a rosary wrapped tightly against his left hand.
“For all have sinned,” he had spoken softly, eyes locking with yours as soon as the doors opened, and you felt panic strike you still, Daichi pressing on your shoulder to make you continue walking, “and fall short of the glory of God.”
If you were a sinner already falling from His good graces, why not enter hell with a list of sins that made the Devil take a breath in? Were you not already marked for damnation—what good would siding with Suna Rintarou and his family of fucked up prophets do for you?
“Rintarou,” his name leaves your mouth breathlessly, “if I’m going to hell, I’m going to drag you and your family with me.”
His eyes flash with something you can’t quite place your finger on, and yet the feeling it gives you runs along your spine with a chill, “You’re making a mistake. My family and I will find you, no matter where you are, and no matter what trouble you kick up.”
You press a kiss along the curve of his jaw, not missing the way his hands clench at his sides, “Then come catch me.”
There’s a part of you that hates that Atsumu was right because pride sinks into your bones with the fact that you leave with the last word. The last laugh is yours as you leave Suna in the dust of your exit, not knowing if there was another way it could have ended, if you’d just taken the hand he’d extended to you.
t.list — @nekomabvc
#tw religion#tw abuse#tw torture#tw drugs#tw violence#tw guns#tw manipulation#tw cults#tw cult#suna x y/n#suna rintaro x y/n#suna x you#suna x reader#suna rintarou#suna rintarō#suna rintaro x reader#suna rintaro x you#grind for the wealth
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Louis quits smoking
“Louis, we’ve been over this, can you please smoke on the balcony? I know it’s cold outside but it’s really not good for the dogs, let alone for you.” Harry rounded the corner to find Louis sitting near an open window trying to push the cigarette smoke towards the winter air.
“But Haz…I have the window open” Louis pouted with his lower lip out, anything to not face the snow and chilly breeze.
“No Lou, we had a deal, if you weren’t gonna quit by November you had to smoke outside. So either you try and quit or the balcony it is.” Harry grabbed Louis’ arm as he started to pull him toward the balcony door.
“Fine, fine fine fine! I’ll smoke outside for tonight. But mark my words Harry, I’m quitting tomorrow.” Louis stepped into his shoes and slipped on his jacket, stomping his feet as the door swung open.
“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.” Harry huffed as the door shut louder than it needed to. Being stuck inside all winter with a cranky Louis trying to kick a nicotine habit was not how he wanted to spend both their birthdays and Christmas.
—
The next morning the boys woke up in their bed wrapped around each other to fend off the morning chill. December on the east coast was not too kind compared to their LA home, or even their London home this time of year. The boys decided to stay in New York for a few months while Harry finished up a few projects before they could both head back to Holmes Chapel for the spring. Louis of course transferred all his upcoming studio sessions here, so it was settled that the winter would be spent in the city.
It was around 8 in the morning when Louis got the familiar itch for his morning cigarette accompanied by a cup of black coffee, but before Louis could swing his legs off the bed he remembered his words to Harry yesterday
I’m quitting tomorrow
And Louis never went back on his word.
He laid in bed wrapped around Harry for a few minutes longer letting the younger boys heat seep into his skin to try and chase away the craving itching in his mind. It wasn’t helping as much as Louis had hoped.
“Haz” Louis whispered against Harry’s neck. Harry’s eyes twitched for a moment, proving he was still fast asleep.
“Harry, please” Louis whispered a bit louder, begging for any kind of distraction.
“Lou, what” Harry turned in bed, still taken over by sleep, pulling Louis closer to his chest.
“I want a cigarette” Louis mumbled out into Harry’s neck.
“Hmm boobear?” Harry asked again, gently as he carded his fingers through Louis’ hair with a yawn
“I want a smoke.” Louis said a little louder, embarrassed such a trivial thing was driving him so mad this early in the morning. It was only a cigarette, it’s not like he let them run his life. Surely this had to be an easy habit to kick, he’s done far harder things.
“So go outside and smoke Boo” Harry huffed, loosening his hold on the older boy and pulling the covers up.
“No”
“Lou you have to go outside to smoke. I’m not having this argument again.”
“No, I told you I was quitting today.”
Harry’s eyes opened at that, “You were serious yesterday?”
Louis crossed his arms in front of himself as he lay on his back, “Of course I was being serious.” He rolled his eyes at the curly headed boy beside him. Why would Harry think he was joking?
They lay in silence for a moment more, before Louis rolled over and shoved his face into the pillow with a groan.
“This is going to be harder than I thought.”
Harry ran his fingers down Louis’ back, “We’ll figure it out Boo, why don’t we go make breakfast, take your mind off of it?”
—–
Breakfast was the perfect distraction for Louis, both of them had found. Harry took the time to cook a full breakfast, eggs, bacon, toast, even muffins were popped into the oven. The coffee was poured, Louis set the table, the dogs were fed, and they sat in silence as they ate and scrolled through their phones.
It wasn’t hard to notice Louis was using food as a distraction as he went to fill his plate up for a second time, something that wouldn’t normally happen at any meal time they shared besides Thanksgiving in the states.
Harry’s eyes lifted from his phone playfully watching Louis lift more eggs to his mouth, mindlessly scrolling through his phone, his tan skin on display as neither of them bothered to put anything more than a pair of boxers on to tread downstairs.
After another 15 or so minutes, Harry’s first plate was empty along with Louis’ second, as Louis began to unwrap another muffin from the tray, “Lou, would you like another cup of coffee?”
Louis’ popped another piece of muffin in his mouth as he looked at Harry through his eyelashes, “Yes please” he said with a smile and cheeks full of muffin.
—–
After breakfast it was obvious that even today, on day one of Louis quitting, if Louis didn’t find another hobby…food was going to be the thing he used to fill the nicotine void.
It was common enough, Harry read through articles and articles of things ex-smokers picked up in order to kick the bad habit. Some took to drinking, others to running, some used nicotine patches or gum, and some people ate. It’s not like it would harm Louis to eat a little more - especially when in the past he had used smoking to skip meals whilst on tour. Harry was happy to see Louis at least enjoying himself and the food he was eating.
It’s when Harry found Louis curled up in their bed after dinner that a little bit of concern popped into his mind.
Harry crawled in beside his husband gently petting his hair, “Going to bed early tonight are we?” Harry giggled, but Louis’ face scrunched up at the joke.
“My stomach hurts Haz” Louis pouted, similar to how he had the night before, with his lower lip out and his puppy dog eyes.
“Well, baby, I…you did eat quite a bit today. More than I’ve seen you eat in a long time for a day that isn’t thanksgiving.” The corners of Harry’s lips turned up at the memory of the holiday under a month ago.
“I couldn’t help it, everytime I wanted to smoke it was easier to just…eat…” Louis laid flat on his back, setting his hands on his bloated stomach.
“Want me to rub your tummy baby?” Harry offered as he scooched closer to the blue eyed boy.
“Mhm” Louis pouted again, he always knew how to get his way with Harry, that was for sure.
Harry set his hand on top of Louis’ tummy and started to rub gentle circles as Louis nuzzled into him, a sigh of relief leaving his lips. “For the love of god, say something tomorrow, I can’t keep doing this just to quit cigarettes” Louis breathed out as Harry went to leave a kiss on his forehead.
“There are worse things you could be doing to quit Lou, besides, you deserve to have a little more freedom with food anyways. I’d rather you eat that smoke, or drink.” Harry chuckled, he definitely did not want a drunk Louis all the time, that was for sure.
“I guess” Louis said as he nuzzled closer to Harry, if it was even possible. There wasn’t any space left in between their bodies.
“And besides, if I have to lay in bed with you every night and rub your tummy just to quit smoking? That’s gotta be the cutest thing ever. Much cuter than helping you apply a nicotine patch or combing your hair back while you puke your guts up in a toilet.” Harry hummed as he continued to circle his hand over the distended bump that was Louis’ stomach. He could understand why Louis’ must not feel well, his belly swollen and taught from all the food packed in there.
“I know you’re right, I didn’t expect it to be this hard.” Louis sighed.
“It’s only day one Boo, and now you’re past the hardest day.”
—-
It went on like that for another two weeks, more often than night each night the boys would lay in bed and Harry would rub Louis’ belly until the older boy fell asleep. Even when Louis didn’t have a stomach ache, it relaxed him into being able to shut his eyes without his nightly cigarette. Of course, Harry didn’t mind at all, he was even beginning to hope this routine didn’t end.
Over the past two weeks Harry took the liberty of keeping the house stocked with Louis’ favorite food and snacks, anything that he thought would bring Louis joy in this hard time. As the boys went about their daily routines of recording sessions, press work, or team meetings - Louis more often than not had his hand in some type of snack bag, leaning heavily towards chips and popcorn, even little packets of sweets like the cookies he used to have in his house as a child.
Anything to drive the nicotine craving away.
Of course, this did not go unnoticed by Harry, or Louis’ body for that matter. Over the past two weeks Louis’ new found habit had led to hard edges being filled out with soft curves, his tummy more noticeable in his shirts like when he was younger. It wasn’t much weight, it had only been 14 days after all, but both the boys had certainly noticed.
“What if this craving doesn’t go away and I keep eating like this Haz?” Louis asked him one night as he ran his hand over his own stomach, finding it softer than it had been in months.
“Then you won’t smoke any cigarettes” Harry said matter of factly, it was true. This had been working well to drive Louis’ cravings away, for sure.
“Harry…come on. Look at me. My stomach it’s…”
“Beautiful?” Harry smiled
“Softer, it’s soft. I’m….you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed I’m putting on a little weight here.” Louis shifted anxiously.
“Do you mind it?” Harry asked genuinely, not offering any praise before he knew how Louis felt about his own body.
“I…I don’t know how I feel about it. I want to stop smoking, that’s what I know.” Louis states, leaving the question open ended. He didn’t think he really minded the new found softness, it reminded him of when he was younger and the band was just starting, and the beginnings of their relationship together.
And if he didn’t crave cigarettes as often because of it, he could deal with the extra weight.
“Okay baby, well if this is helping you stop smoking, then we’ll let your body run it’s course while the cravings go away. I think you always look beautiful, always Lou, so please don’t worry about that if you are.” Harry smiled as he kissed Louis’ neck.
“Mhm, and I’m sure you’d love it if my ass got bigger too.” Louis smirked as Harry went in for a kiss.
“Oh, please.” Harry giggled as Louis kissed him back.
——
“Harry!” Louis yelled from their bedroom for the third time as Harry cleared the staircase in record time.
“Lou, Lou what’s wrong? Why are you yelling?” Harry said, trying to catch his breath.
He found Louis laying flat on the bed with a pair of his jeans on and nothing else.
The older boy turned his head to face Harry, “You did this.” Louis stated simply, putting his hands behind his head.
“What are you talking about?” Harry huffed as he walked over.
“You did this, Harold, my jeans won’t button up.” Louis huffed as he tried once more to pull the button to the hole, but with no such luck. A small bump of soft skin was in the way of the zipper too.
“And how is this my fault?” Harry smirked as he watched Louis lay dramatically with his arms splayed out. He was always one for dramatics.
“Because you’ve been keeping the house stocked up with all my favorite things, so of course I was going to be eating them!” Louis huffed, closing his eyes as he brought a hand to the bridge of his nose.
“Loubear, that really doesn’t mean that you not being able to button your jeans is my fault.” Harry tried to level, still amused at how dramatic Louis was being.
“We can buy you more jeans baby, it’s only fabric” Harry left a few kisses on Louis’ shoulder.
Both of Louis’ hands then went down to his belly, handling the softness, “I’m…how much do you think I weigh now? 170? 175?” Louis giggled at the guess. He hadn’t weighed more than 160 in about 10 years.
“Barely even, Louis it isn’t much weight. And you’ve been cigarette free for almost a month and a week.” Harry ran a hand down Louis’ chest.
“Well, are you going to guess?”
“Why? Are you going to find out?” Harry’s eyebrow raised in curiosity.
“Maybe I should. See what my progress is, keep track.” Louis smirked. This could be fun.
“What….I, I don’t know, maybe 168? Like I said babe, it can’t be much.” Harry bent down to kiss Louis’ tummy where it poked out the most.
Louis then stood up and kicked the dreaded jeans off, making his way to the bathroom where Harry kept the scale hidden in the back of the cabinet.
He set the scale down on the white tile floor, cold and uninviting, as he waited for the numbers to set to zero.
“If it’s above 170 you have to make me dinner.” Louis said as he glanced at Harry before he stepped on.
“I always make you dinner Lou, not much of a bet there.”
“Fine. If it’s above 170 can we order in?”
“Are you trying to gain weight here? Did I miss something?” Harry mused at the idea of Louis’ body being softer than it already was now. He certainly didn’t mind it, and wouldn’t if it continued.
Louis stepped on the scale without answering Harry’s question. The numbers blinked and blinked, before they settled on 173.
“Ha! I knew it! 13 pounds!” Louis said, grabbing at the soft swell at the bottom of his tummy.
“Can we get chinese?” The older boy said with a smile as he wrapped his arm around Harry.
“Only if you answer my question.” Harry waited patiently.
Louis squeezed him tighter before letting go and stepping back.
“I honestly…don’t mind it. If I gain I gain, if I lose I lose, but I know for damn sure I like eating whatever and whenever I please. Fuck cigarettes when you can have food, right?” Louis smiled brightly as he turned towards the mirror to inspect himself again.
“Mmmmm, you know babe, I think you’re right.” Harry smiled back as he crouched down to kiss all over Louis’ little pouched tummy. “You’d look cute with a little more weight on you I think. You look cute now, you looked cute before. I think you’ll always look cute.” Harry reassured.
“I think we should find out just how cute I can be.” Louis smiled, “Now, go order the Chinese” He pecked Harry’s cheeks as he went off to find a pair of sweatpants that fit.
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Pins and Needles [Tanaka Ryuunosuke x Reader]
Prompt: From @thedeepestdaydream 's prompt "Hey I'm your soulmate which means I can feel your pain and I also really hate needles but you keep getting tattos so could you please maybe stop?"
Summary: In which Tanaka finds his soulmate, and they are not happy with him.
Pairing: Tanaka Ryuunosukd x Reader
A/N: happy belated birthday to Tanaka!! Season 4 really made him so pretty!! This is the second time I'm trying to post this so tumblr plz dont eat it
**enjoy**
You swore when you found your soulmate, you'd tell them off for all they put you through.
Most people were happy enough just to have a soulmate. It wasn't a guarantee, and most people went their whole life without finding them.
But you were positively furious.
You'd always lived close to your soulmate. For as long as you could remember, you'd get ghost pains at random times. Usually never too bad, so you didn't mind.
Come middle school, it got much worse. There'd always be pain in your forearms and on your palms. When the pain continued every day after school and well into highschool, you realized they must've played a sport. And they were awfully serious about it, too.
The pains were unbearable in highschool. Your soulmate worked hard, you were sure, but sometimes the exhaustion was just too much. Occasionally they got slapped and you'd simply laugh. They probably deserved it.
Come college, the familiar pain in your palm dissapeared. Sometimes you missed it, wondering if your soulmate gave up something they loved. You could understand, you dropped plenty of hobbies once you got to college. But you hoped they were happy.
That is, until the new pain started.
You'd never been particularly squeamish. You could handle ghost stories or bugs. You weren't scared. But needles made your skin crawl. The sensation of the pin point prick against your skin put all your hair on edge.
The first time your soulmate got a tattoo, you almost passed out.
Fortunately, you were simply in your dorm with your roommate. You mentally forgave your soulmate, understanding that everyone goes a little off the rails once they hit college. You had been through your fair share of poor decisions. And then, they continued.
It had been months since the first tattoo. You swore they got a new one every week. But never at the same time, no, you couldn't prepare yourself.
Finally, you had it. You were taking your final exam for a class when pain burned through you wrist. Some of their tattoos were small and quick, so you thought perhaps you could sit and bear it. How wrong you were.
The pain only got worse. You thought you reached sweet relief when the outline finished, only to feel the needle start to fill in with color.
Soulmate or not, all you saw was red.
You got up from your seat, essentially voiding your exam. You could care less. Mumbling a quick explanation to your professor and hoping you could make it up, you sprinted away from the building.
Careful with your tender skin, you traced the outline of the tattoo as best you remembered. When you were finished, your forearm a large crow wrapped around your forearm.
It was a beautiful tattoo, you thought, although your skin continued to burn from the needle on your skin. Your chest tightened, and your breathing became ragged but you managed to deal with the sensation. This wasn't their first tattoo, after all.
As the pinprick of the needle faded, you prepared to find your soulmate. It's said the closer you are to your soulmate, the easier it is for you to feel their pain. You were sure you'd lived in the same town as your soulmate your whole life, since there wasn't a time you couldn't remember ghost pains.
So you'd found all the tattoo parlors in Miyagi. There weren't many, and the pain in your forearm meant you could likely narrow it down to the ones closest to you. And now, you were ready to track down your soulmate.
You thought you'd seen all corners of Miyagi, but you weren't all too familiar with this area. The streets seemed a bit colder, and the shops more empty. The pace of your steps picked up.
Relief flooded your chest as you realized you were just a block away from the tattoo parlor you were headed towards. You rounded the corner, wondering if you were truly about to meet your soulmate. Where you ready? Your head dropped to look at the ground. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe you weren't ready. They were your soulmate, so you were bound to meet them eventually. You didn't need to rush it, right?
"Hey cutie, what's a pretty lady like you doing here?"
You stopped in your tracks, still staring at your feet. If someone could sound greasy, he did. You stared at the shoes of your approacher. He was in sweats, wearing beat up sneakers. You snickered. He's probably bald and ugly.
"Minding my own business," you retorted, walking past him. "You should do the same."
You brushed past him quickly, trying not to cause a scene. The tattoo parlor was just a few steps away. Surely, someone in there could help you.
"Hey!" He grabbed your wrist, pulling at you. "C'mon what's with the sour face? Why dontcha smile?"
His grip on your wrist was unwavering.
You swallowed hard. A bell chimed behind you, signalling a door opening. A silent prayer left your lips, hoping whoever entered would be generous enough to intervene.
You pulled your wrist away, but his hand was like a vice. "Let go of me!"
He pulled you closer. "C'mon that's no f-"
And then there was a fist in his face, and a burning in your knuckles.
You didn't really process what happened, but suddenly there was a man in a beanie staring down at your assaulter.
"She doesn't want to be bothered," he demanded. As if possessed, the man who grabbed you walked away, wearing a mix of shame and disdain on his face. If you'd been more aware of yourself, you would've spit on his dumb shoes.
But your attention was taken by you savior, instead, and the tattoo sticking out his jacket arm.
"Can I see your forearm?" You asked. He looked at you surprised, but started to take his jacket off nonetheless.
"Uh, sure? You okay?"
You nodded. You were here for a reason, afterall.
"It's a little tender, still. You see I just got a tattoo and..." he trailed off as his eyes traced up your arm and the crow you outlined on it.
You looked at his crow, shining and beautiful, as well as the tattoos adorning other parts of his arms, and had no doubt in your mind. You remembered those sensations, too.
"Hi I'm [S/N] [Y/N] and I'm deathly afraid of needles. Of all your tattoos, that one really hurt like a bitch."
He laughed at you, and put out his hand to shake.
"Tanaka Ryuunoske, but you can call me Ryu. Would you want to get coffee sometime?"
You took his hand in a firm shake. His hand was larger than yours, and worn, too. Callous painted the tips of his fingers, no doubt from years of practice. But his hands felt safe, like home.
"That sounds nice."
bonus:
You walked into the cafe Ryu told you about, looking for a familiar face. You found it behind a black cup of coffee and an black sweatshirt. And no hoodie.
You laughed.
"Got a problem?" He teased.
"I didn't know bald men could look handsome."
It would be a long date.
#tanaka ryuunosuke#haikyuu tanaka#happy birthday tanaka!!#tanaka#tanaka x reader#tanaka ryuunosuke x reader#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader#fem reader
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The Morning Chester Woke Up Confused
Pairing: Chester Davies/MC
Rating: Teen
Word Count: 3,144
Summary:
Chester Davies wakes up in his flat, confused as to why he has a hangover. Unable to remember what happened the night before he gets stricken with fear when he realized that there was someone beside him and they just shifted.
Notes: First publicly published fanfiction for Hogwarts Mystery. Seems a bit random but I enjoyed it! It is published on AO3 under the same name.
Chester blinked heavily taking in his surroundings as he turned slowly onto his side. He was in his bedroom inside the flat he got shortly after starting his job at the Ministry. Not that he didn’t love his family but it was a breath of fresh air being able to have a space away from them at times. Besides it didn’t stop them from stopping by, especially his brother.
As his grogginess clouded his mind it took him a moment to register the throbbing pain in his head. He groaned and the knowledge that he’d been drinking last night slammed into him as hard as the pounding currently in his head. He rubbed his eyes lazily and turned to lay on his back, moaning in pain as the movement caused jarring pain further into his head. He knew he needed to get up to get a potion to cure his hangover but the thought of getting out of bed was immediately put out of his mind as he froze in fear and slight confusion.
There was someone beside him and they just shifted.
Chester had no idea whether or not there were currently facing him or if they were even awake. He didn’t even want to humor a guess as to who would be unfortunate enough to have ended up in his bed to begin with. Actually now that Chester laid in his fear stricken state a thought flashed over his mind; he didn’t even remember what the hell had happened last night. The only reason he knew he was drinking was because of the unfortunately familiar headache.
Chester didn’t get drunk a lot and drinking certainly wasn’t his hobby; he just enjoyed relaxation after his stressful days at work. He is only familiar with it because of the rare few times he’s ended up comatose in his living room after trying a new liquor the shop owner insisted would be a good fit for him. Good telltale sign he was hungover was due to the distinct type of headache.
Now back to Chester’s current problem. He pieced together part of last night's activities but the person lying next to him and the fact that he actually made it his bedroom worried him. It only worried him because he may not even know who is lying next to him. Worse he may actually know who is lying next to him. He didn’t think he would handle how exhaustingly awkward that would make anything, especially if they were from work. He took a deep breath before closing his eyes, dragging his hands down his face trying to collect himself.
The brown haired woman lying next to him had turned towards him and fluttered her eyes open, before squinting at the bright morning light shining in from the window positioned across from them. She yawned before looking up at him, smiling before it dropped quickly as though she realized who she was looking at. She sat up with a start as though she’d awoken from a nightmare. She looked down before realizing she needed to pull the sheet on his bed to cover her apparent bare chest. She protectively crossed her arms over her chest and her spine was as stiff as a board.
Her sudden start up from the bed, caused Chester to make a noise of surprise before sitting up himself. He scooted himself back towards the headboard before taking a glance towards her. He noticed her bare back and as realization hit him that she wasn’t really wearing anything, a blush crawled up his neck. As the flush reached his cheeks, he began to study just how very very interesting his ceiling is right now.
The woman glanced back at him and quickly turned back before burying her head in her hands. She made a low small whine and proceeded to whisper You’re so stupid! and What were you thinking?!. Even though it was a whisper, he recognized the voice immediately and he wanted nothing more than for his side of the bed to swallow him whole in an endless black void. Anything was better than the realization that yes, he did know his mystery bed partner. The infamous Roisin Vanderan: Curse-Breaker of Hogwarts, fellow Ministry co-worker, fellow peer of Hogwarts, and a woman 4 years his junior.
Her whispering comments berating herself did hurt his self esteem to say the least but he has no room to talk for the comments flooding his head questioning his sanity. He glanced back from his ceiling towards her to see if she had moved. He was so lost in his head for a moment there he wouldn’t have been surprised if she left and he didn’t notice. She was still very much there and very much naked. Not that he was looking. Well he wasn’t trying to but as she stretched, heaving a heavy sign he noticed she was very much not wearing anything at all it appeared. He tore his eyes away and cleared his throat. He did not need to be focusing on that, as he certainly had a handful of problems already and he didn't want to add that type of problem to the list too.
His personal distraction method caused her attention to be caught as she slowly turned her head towards him. She gave a sheepish smile and flipped her hair out of way as the action had caused a loose strand to fall over her eye. He had to stop himself from reaching out to do that for her, and mentally cursed himself for even considering to. You already don’t remember sleeping with her and you want to move bases already?! He thought to himself and all he could do was return her smile with a smaller and weaker one.
“I, um…” She started, glancing around the room before swallowing hard and glancing back to look at his dark eyes. “This is going to come out bad, but I’m going to make an assumption that you don’t remember what happened?”
He blinked at the question a few times before letting out a short awkward laugh. “I take it you don’t either based on the way you woke up.”
She gave an awkward smile again before she said, “I actually kind of do. I just briefly uh forgot?” She let out a small laugh as she saw the brief fear that flashed over his face. She knew he didn’t remember a thing and was worried about what was happening currently.
“Oh.”
It was all he could bring himself to say. He could at least take it as a good thing that she hasn’t run out yet. That or she wanted to give him more humiliation. He didn’t know which was worse right now but the idea that the bed could swallow him whole was sounding like a good idea again. She turned her body towards him and shifted the cover to keep her covered, something Chester really wished he would stop paying attention too. She stifled a giggle and placed her hand on his leg.
“I came over last night because you wanted me to check something out you had for your cat.” She said simply, and she bit the inside of her cheek trying to stop her laughter from spilling out as she watched the puzzled look fill his face.
“My cat? The evil bastard that’s probably wrecked my entire living room overnight?” He asked, staring at her in disbelief.
Chester knew that he always complained about his cat, always calling it all kinds of things but he loved it more than his brother sometimes. Well he would never say that but he certainly bought his cat more gifts during Yuletide. Hell his cat wasn’t even fed a simple dry kibble, the man had refused and made sure his bastard of a cat was given food that honestly seemed better than anything he ate. The idea that somehow his cat had managed to provide a situation that allowed for well, its owner to get laid, was an idea that Chester couldn’t process. Magic existing? Yes. Magical creatures of varying origins? Of course. His cat being apparently a wingman? No, not possible.
She studied him for a moment before shaking her head and letting the laugher fall out. He glared at her and crossed his arms. He didn’t find how she could possibly find any of this humorous and she laughed harder when she saw him pouting.
“You…” She began trying to stop herself from laughing. She cleared her throat before continuing, “You had a little to drink before I came over but started drinking more after you cried after your cat had a hairball.”
“It’s very unsettling!” He quickly defended and looked away from her, continuing his toddler like pout.
It was a very strange situation sitting in front of him currently. His evil bastard had managed to make him so emotionally stressed that he started drinking himself out of one embarrassment into another. He had no clue what to do and felt way too awkward to even consider how to proceed. He’s had partners before but usually it just ended in simple breakups because there was a relationship to begin with. This wasn’t something he knew how to handle.
“It’s only awkward if you let it be awkward.” Roisin said, giving his leg a reassuring squeeze. “If you don’t want anything, nothing has to happen.”
He took a big gulp and looked up at the very interesting ceiling again. He felt almost guilty for not wanting anything more. Well correction: a relationship. He had no problem doing that again. Maybe only because he’d be able to remember it this time. That sounded bad. He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. Bless her for being so patient.
He considered through his head the possibility of a relationship but he just never considered her that way. Considered her other ways. No, stop that isn’t right. Roisin has been a very good friend to him even if they only really became friends after she started working in the Ministry herself. She took her time after school being a professional Curse-Breaker but decided against it for government work? He wasn’t quite sure how she wanted to throw away such an exciting career for paperwork but she never expanded so he never pressed the matter. She was a great friend. Friend. Hell he looked at her more as a sister than a potential partner. Which made the current situation worse. Again.
He looked back down at her and with a sheepish smile said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for dragging you over here and um…” He gestured to the both of them, hoping it conveyed the situation.
“It’s fine.” She said sweetly and smiled brightly at him. It was very comforting that she made this so easy. “This happens sometimes when people hang around and drink. At least it means we’re comfortable with each other right?”
It briefly crossed his mind that she made it so easy as though this was common for her. He tried pushing that thought out of his head as he didn’t want to think badly of her but ever so briefly remembered the rumors that followed her. He watched something flicker across her eyes but it vanished so quickly he already almost forgot it happened. He cleared his throat and made to get out of bed. He had intended to go try and get that pain potion for his hangover and maybe take a shower. Actually probably should ask if she’d like to take one herself. He got across the room towards his bathroom door before he realized that he still very much had his pants on from yesterday.
He stopped in his tracks and looked down. Sure enough, he still had them on. He looked back up at his bathroom door and back down again at his pants. Up. Down. Up. Down. He winced at the pain that it had caused in his head doing that and mentally cursed himself. He felt like he should apologize to her. He was so out of it he passed out and couldn’t remember a thing that happened. Yet his pants were still on. One of two things ran as a solution in his head; One: It didn’t get far enough that I took off my pants which meant that nothing really happened. Or two: It wasn’t that good and I had the energy to put the pants back on.
It took until he heard her laughing behind him that he realized he didn’t actually think any of that in his head and he actually was saying that out loud. The red that flushed his face and neck made the stuttering of his apology almost innocent sounding. He chuckled nervously and quickly grabbed clothes and then he ran into his bathroom. A cold shower and a hangover potion sounded great right now, anything to get him out of the other room.
-------------------
After his shower he muttered something akin to making breakfast and shuffled out of the room leaving her to take her own shower. She came out relatively quickly, definitely shorter than his self-hatred filled shower was. She had managed to do all sorts of charm work to her clothes from the previous day that it looked as though she just arrived in his flat. Her long hair was put in a high ponytail and she even managed cosmetic charms. It was apparent she definitely looked more put together than he did. He just put on the first shirt and pants he found in his closet, wanting more than anything not to think about anything, let alone his clothing choices.
He reached out and offered her some tea, which she graciously accepted with a soft smile. Chester leaned against his counter and took a long sip, his cat strutting his betrayal of a behind up to him and purring for attention, clearly grateful of the luxury of a meal he was fed and ignoring the living room he very much destroyed. He placed his cup on the counter and leaned down, scooping his cat up and snuggling against it. Roisin smiled, she was one of the few people who knew he babies his cat like a child. What Rosin didn’t know was that while she was taking a shower, Chester was busy screaming at the cat who had gotten themselves stuck to the top of the living room curtains. He had taken 3 minutes trying to detach the claws one by one while the cat yodelled its meow in protest. I KNOW! He yelled back YOU’RE NOT EXACTLY HELPING ME HERE! And at some point yelled YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF YOU HEATHEN, I’M JUST TRYING TO BE A GOOD DAD AND HELP YOU!!! Which was followed by screaming as the curtain rod fell off the window frame.
Roisin watched Chester swaddle his furry son and giggled as he reached over and placed a tiny crocheted hat onto the cat’s head. It was comical watching the cat calmly allow it to happen, as though it was completely normal. Chester held up the cat in triumph to show Roisin what he considered to be his masterpiece. She clapped as she always did in appreciation and he grinned back, placing his cat onto the floor. He was already forgetting what he was embarrassed for earlier.
Knock Knock
They both glanced over to the front door to the flat. Chester glanced up at time and saw it was 10:30am. He knew it was Sunday, his day off so he didn’t panic at possibly being late for work. No, instead he panicked because it was Sunday! His brother always came over so they could go to the Cinema on Sunday! He quickly rushed over to the door and glanced out the peephole and saw his younger brother, impatiently waiting on the other side. Chester turned back around and pressed his back against the door looking over at his current company.
“Roger?” She mouthed towards him, questioning the identity of the person at the door.
He frantically nodded and the knocking on the door persisted even more impatiently. Chester closed his eyes and dreaded the idea of his brother being here right now, because he knew that even if he lied and said she just came over a few minutes before him, Roger wouldn’t buy it. Hell even if that was the honest truth, Roger would make the assumption anyways just to tease his brother.
Knock Knock
“OPEN THE DOOR!” Roger yelled, clearly aggravated having to wait on the other side knowing damn well his brother can hear him.
Chester quickly whipped the door open and grinned, what he hoped was casually, at his younger sibling. Roger raised an eyebrow at him and pushed past him, rolling his eyes.
“What took you so long, you’re usually well up by no-” Roger stopped himself when his eyes landed on Roisin standing in the kitchen.
She heard him coming in and looked over from her spot, petting the cat on the counter. She grinned at him and waved.
“Good to see you, Roger.” She said as she came over and gave him a quick hug. Roger spent the entire time looking over at his brother in confusion. He managed to mutter a quick hello before she let him go.
“Roisin here was just….uh leaving right?” Chester said, not at all subtlety, as he glanced from his brother to her.
“Oh yeah of course,” She said, getting her belongings she had accio-ed while Chester was busy at the door with his brother. “Thank you again, Chester, for having me over to help give advice on that project. Plus you know I adore this little one.” She gave the cat a quick pat before looking back at them.
He nodded, trying to look like a grateful friend and not a man who clearly had no idea what she was indicating too. Chester knew his little brother well and knew that he wasn’t buying any of this for a second but he can hope. Roisin walked over and gave him a quick hug as well and walked towards the front door. She could hear harsh whispers from Roger behind her in his brother’s ear.
As she left before closing the front door behind her she called, turning to look at them both again, “Chester?”
He shushed his brother’s insistent question to answer back, “Yes?”
“Let me know if you ever need anymore help, I’m always happy to help in any way I can.” She said to him, giving a wink before closing his front door.
She walked away grinning hearing the hushed screaming coming from inside the apartment as Chester tried his best to shut his brother up on his now more insistent questioning and praise.
#hogwarts mystery#hphm#chester davies#jacob's sibling#chester davies/mc#fanfic#roger davies#roisin vanderan#rose vanderan#curious writes
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1000 ways.
Featuring: Stray Kids’ Kim Seungmin.
Words: 4.8k.
Triggers: Death and illness.
Summary: Reader says I love you to Kim Seungmin 1000 ways.
Author’s note: If you recognize this piece from another blog, it’s me! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this piece.
“If you could profess your love a thousand times, would you do it?” You asked absentmindedly, head cocked to the right and lithe fingers writing away half-listened notes. It seemed you threw the question to the passing wind, waiting for someone to randomly catch it. You see, from the corner of your eye, how Seungmin’s gaze drifts to you.
Your desk partner’s expression wrinkled with newfound scrutiny, removing the usual focused one he wears. It was incredibly endearing to watch, it perfectly mimicked the way puppies waited to tackle a new obstacle.
“Have you been binging dramas on Netflix again?” He asked with a teasing air. His nasal voice teetering in the end as an ill attempt to provoke you. But, unlike he expected, you remained nonchalant.
Your head turned to his direction, a loose smile furled on your pink lips. “Just answer the question.” You huffed before you felt your professor eyeing your table. You offered him a sheepish grin in return, head dug down to your now more interesting looking notebook.
“Hmm,” He hummed, his eyes scanning the room. They went from his organized-by-color desk, to the rambling teacher, to the varying degrees of focus your classmates had. “No.”
“Ah, you’re—” You muttered with a pure jest to mask the hint of disappointment rumbling on your chest. It pinched your heart for being naive in expecting something else. (You should have pinched back the snarling doubt that overtook you because Seungmin has never betrayed you in this department.)
“Let me finish, you doofus.” He quickly barked with no bite. “I don’t think I would do it in one go. I mean, why would I when I have a lifetime too.” He started smiling, the same smile that bore the sunlight on each pearly tooth. “Waking up every day to profess my love would accumulate to a thousand times, right?” His voice was tender, intolerably so.
Something inside you stirred because his response was so Seungmin. The way he was looking at you was so Seungmin. Everything was so unbearably Kim Seungmin. (You loved it.) Before your impulsive heart could take the reins and voice your adoration— the bell rang, the sound reverberating on the halls and cattle-like sounding footsteps filled the room and soon enough the entire floor.
“Tsk!” You responded in hopes to conceal your emotions from trespassing your skin and fixate into your face’s crevices. “I think you’re the one watching too many dramas with Hyunjin.”
Seungmin only laughed. His gaze stuck on you even if his mind was telling him to ‘hurry up for lunch’. “Maybe, we are watching Extraordinary You. It’s good.”
“Seungminnie, ____! Hurry up or the galbi sandwiches are going to be sold out!” A high-pitched voice intercepted into your conversation. The rambunctious butterflies on your stomach suddenly drowned with waves of dread at the thought.
You stood up, the chair’s legs screeching at the suddenness. “Hyunjin, wait up! Seungminnie, come on! We gotta hurry up or he is gonna leave us behind!” You whined loudly. The desperation clung to your frame like a hormonal teenage boy’s sweat on a summer day as you tugged his uniform’s sleeve.
“Okay, okay!” He said in midst of ebbing laughter, hands already toying with his leather wallet. He stood up as he let you guide him out of the intimate space you built on the school.
♡━━━━━━━━♡
It was an ordinary afternoon where the sun perched against the horizon and streaks of purple and pink punctured the sky haphazardly. Your room was colored in a sheen of gold as if a sunny side egg’s yolk exploded and streaked the walls— it looked like a scene pulled from an indie teenage movie. (In a sense, it could be. If you thought about it hard enough, this would be the conflict where the rest of the film would build on.)
“Kim Seungmin.” You called out. Your head dipped and your hands occupied with a block of colored papers you recently bought. “Kim Seungmin!”
The brown-haired boy grunted before saying, “What?” He responded with a statement-sounding question. His eyes plunged downwards, trying to soak the calculus’ equations you already have given up.
“What’s the easiest origami I could do that isn’t a crane or a frog?” You asked distractedly as you picked a red-colored piece. Your eyes squinting at the page as if you could gauge your answer from it.
For once in the whole afternoon, Seungmin turned to you. His head cocked to the right, a habit he had since childhood. (Ironically enough, this image of confusion resembled the dog you imagined and were now vying to make.) He paused for a moment before he hesitantly said, “A puppy?”
As if you were struck by lighting, your expression immediately brightened at his response. Your once solemn face split by the growing smile at the idea. The tips of your lips soared till dimples dented your ruddy cheeks. “What a good idea!”
“I didn’t know you were interested in origami?” The other questioned as he squinted at you. You were too focused trying to find a tutorial that you only mustered to throw him a quick smile and a waving hand.
“I thought I needed more hobbies.” You mused at first, tone light-hearted, so the rest wouldn’t hit rock bottom too hard. “I can’t keep lamenting about my shoulder.”
Despite your attempt to make it sound less grim, the mood still took a considerable crash. Seungmin shot you an unreadable expression, the one he evoked whenever the topic about your torn ligament was brought up. You cringed with a well-worn grimace at the futileness.
“____,” He started off, but his dialogue was interrupted by the paper airplane you hastily threw at his direction. It landed squarely on his chest before the collision caused it to plop onto his CSAT review book.
“Kim Seungmin, we aren’t discussing this. I mourned about it enough during freshman year. You even made the guy give me free ice cream for the rest of the school year!” You offered him a genuine smile, knowing he would stop once he saw it. Your instinct was proven right as his expression mellowed to match yours. “Plus, it’s a great way to keep track of things!”
“Keep track of things?” Skepticism burst in his chest and reflected on his features. “Hey, is there something you aren’t telling me?”
You merely chuckled in an attempt to muffle his concerns. “I tell you everything, Seungmin.” Your tone pitched upward, a telltale sign of sincerity. “I just want to keep track of how many days we have left till graduation.”
Even if you were a good liar, he was able to see through the mask you were clutching onto. He could see your visceral grip on it from how your eyes were cloudy and your fingers nitpicked the edges of the paper in quick motions. Yet, everything else was intact and loyal to your usual happy disposition.
“I hope you master the puppy origami by graduation then.” Seungmin shifted the conversation with the appearance of an amused smile.
You let out a loud, heaving scoff. “Of course I will! Who do you think I am?” You jested with the same lightheartedness. “I promise you, you’re going to see the best origami puppy by then!”
♡━━━━━━━━♡
“Are you mad at me?” You asked as you reclined further into the mattress. Everything in the room was cold pristine, the color barely differing shades. It was difficult to see the difference between the white sheets and your ashen skin. The only things diverting the image from looking so deadly were the blue roses resting on the window’s tool (“It was a gift from your classmates.” Your mother informed you once you woke up. Her smile pulled together by her love for you alone even if gravity tempted her the contrary. “Mrs. Kang delivered them.”) and the scattered pieces of origami varying from red cranes to yellow toads.
“Yes, I am.” He responded curtly, violent fingers cutting through the apple your aunt brought a few hours ago. (“Get better, child.” Her cold fingers ran against your forehead. You were about to burst into tears when you heard familiar footsteps echo.) The lack of delicateness caused the fruit to squirt juice. The splatter colliding against a blue crane and a bit of the sheet.
“My crane!” You cried out as you reached for the now crippled piece. The pungent smell of apple veiled against the weakened paper. You clutched it as if it was living animal on the verge of death. “It didn’t deserve that!”
“You did though.” He said with nonchalance. He proceeded to keep cutting away the red fruit. The pieces coming out as little bunnies. The same ones he mastered doing when twelve you mentioned you liked how they looked.
You heaved a long sigh before you reached for his hands. Your fingers thread through the open gaps as they marred with the residue juice. Even if the stickiness was uncomfortable, the only thing you could focus on was the warmth pulsating through your palms. The skin against skin was enough to crack him.
“Seungmin, look at me.” You begged. His brown, puppy looking eyes lifted to meet yours and you flinched at the sight. His usual radiant eyes were long gone, no remaining stars or stardust to be seen. It was empty as if a black hole wrecked his entire being and left a void as a victory embellishment. (In a way, it made sense. You were part of his everything and seeing it crumble in front of him was unbearable.)
“I didn’t mean to hide it from you forever…” You started off with your energy depleting with every word. Your grip on him tightened as if he was an anchor in a ship facing a never-ending storm. “I swear I was going to tell you…”
“When were you going to tell me?” He asked. Unlike the tone he was swinging like a weapon before, this time— He sounded sweet, incredibly kind. Everything about him was more inviting.
It was so Seungmin of him. (You loved it.)
“Soon! It’s that- it was midterms and I didn’t want to distract you and-“ Your eyes started to blur, tears pooling to take over your eyesight. It rendered you into a vulnerable space, unable to see his crestfallen expression. “I’m so sorry Seungmin. I really wasn’t intending for it-" A hiccup. “to go as long!”
“Don’t cry, ___.” He croaked as a fallen sparrow, his throat no longer serving the usual melodies he delivered. That itself added another element of heartbreaking and you wondered if the way your heart cowered as an immediate side effect. “It’s…” He paused as if the lie was already grating his tongue and threatening to leave an overly-bruised mark. “It’s okay. Just promise me something.”
You sniffed as tears fled from your irises and rolled down your flushed cheeks. You stared at him with anticipation now, willing to compromise to whatever he said. “What?”
“Promise me you’re going to show me your mastered puppy by graduation.” He declared strongly, contrasting his weakened appearance.
(”It was really never about the puppy, right?” He would later on laugh. “We just wanted to see each other.”)
“I promise.” You smiled even if a sob was ready to tear your lungs and maybe the rest of your body. “You know I never break a promise and I won’t make this my first time.”
Seungmin returned it with ease. “I’ll be waiting eagerly.”
♡━━━━━━━━♡
“Sweetheart, are you sure about this?” Your mother asked as she sat on the edge of your hospital’s bed. At this point, you dubbed it as just your bed because the place with all the dizzy-inducing scents felt like home. (Everyone made it feel as such.) She held the glass bottle housing the stars you slaved over the past months.
“I am pretty sure!” You chirped even as your body shuddered with the amount of effort you exerted with that exclaim alone. You sighed a bit, eyeing the last paper star. The lucky 1000.
Your gaze shifted to the origami puppy you pasted with washi tape on the curved surface. A spark of pride bursting on your chest by how clean the lines looked and the clear contribution your badly drawn sharpie face did to maximize the cute factor.
“You should be the one giving it to him.” She reiterated as she handed you the bottle to place the last star.
You laughed, your heart shaking with a sadness you weren’t sure you were capable of handling anymore. You tried to offer it meals to feast on, but it didn’t want any. It seemed it wouldn’t rest till you finished the endeavor you owed to the boy you love.
“I shouldn’t. He would be all ‘___, you didn’t keep your promise! I don’t want it!’” You imitated his signature, cute nasal voice. Your arms raising to mimic over-exaggerated gestures. Unable to keep up the charade, you released the brewing laughter you cultivated just by thinking and speaking about him. “I can’t have that happen. I really need him to read this.”
It was strange how you were telling your mother this with an alleviated heart as if you were a traveler who finished performing the duty they wailed over for years. It was even stranger how your eyes were pooled with tears again even if you were recounting it as a fun, distant tale.
You thought you cried enough for the past days. The salty water you produced felt comparable to the big bodies governing the Earth. You already sobbed with your parents about your last days as they held you so tightly and so carefully. Their cautiousness wrecked your mindset further as an infestation of guilt plagued like eager cockroaches arriving for a eternal night. You already wept when Felix appeared with a bouquet of sunflowers (“You should get those,” His older sister instructed as her index finger pointed to the yellow flowers’ aisle. “She loves those, always did.”), telling you how much you meant to him when you helped him on his first day.
You already bellowed when pain filtered your veins and coursed every inch of your body till you were nothing more than a paralyzed corpse with uncontrollable, jolting nerves.
Yet, here you were— You were a constant stream of waterfalls, drenching your outerwear as your mother stares at you with unveiled misery.
“It’s okay. Tell him I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for not keeping the promise.” You said between hiccups and a large smile. “I really am.”
‘1000:—‘
♡━━━━━━━━♡
“Honey, ___ is…” Seungmin didn’t need to hear the rest of the sentence to know what his mother was saying. Instead, his body shut down and his subconscious dictated by his heart took the reigns.
He sprinted to the hospital where the smell of hand sanitizer and alcohol suddenly felt poisonous to his agitated lungs. But, he couldn’t stop even if every breath felt like carbon grating against needed oxygen. He ran to the counter before he stumbled upon your already half-grieving, half-accepting mother.
Your mom was barely holding it together. Every part of her was shaking as if her skeleton could no longer withstand the sensation of skin against it. Her hands were ghostly pale, holding too tightly and forcefully the glass bottle you left on her care with a radiant smile.
“Seungmin,” She called out for him. “You came.”
Her voice pulled him out of his frenzied state and he was now fully stared at the woman who seemed to lose her soul and a bit of her heart. He could relate to that. You took his heart, savored the touch of the flesh above your fingers and sprinted with it— leaving him no other chance than to lose said piece forever.
(He later came in the terms with that.)
“Here.” She reached for his right hand with an overly caring touch as if he was a lost child about to be devoured in a bustling city. (In a way, he might be— except the city would be a maze his rampant demons constructed and would succumb him to enter and battle in.) She colocated the bottle she had been nursing since they announced your death. “She wanted you to have this and that’s she’s very sorry.” She paused between her agitated breaths. “For not keeping her promise.”
Seungmin only stared with wide eyes filled with disbelief, diverting between your mother to the glass bottle. He lifted it up to see the brown spotted puppy origami with a little piece of sky blue colored paper saying ‘Pretty cute, right? He looks just like you! I kept my promise! Happy graduation Seungminnie!’ His eyes went lower to see the label and he felt the crack spread further and fragmented him bit by bit. It was only a matter of moments he would become dust.
‘0: For Kim Seungmin, the one who made my universe so bright! If you’re reading this, you are seeing the 1000 ways I profess my love to him. If you’re him, this will be my first I love you and I hope you enjoy the rest!’
♡━━━━━━━━♡
‘5: Kim Seungmin! I can’t thank you enough for picking me up and carrying me with your glided, golden wings to enjoy my youth. I enjoyed it so much especially because I also got to fall in love with you. Thank you for those sun-filled memories!
PS: Do you see how much effort I put in to make it sound poetic? I know, it’s groundbreaking or any other fancy word you would use.’
“Seungminnie, it’s okay. You don’t have to come.” Jisung assured as they walked together to school. The sun was barely peeking, rays jumping out the silhouettes of the surrounding buildings. The grey sky chipping away as blue spots bloomed. “I can lend you Jisu’s notes.”
This walk used to be a three participant event where you and Jisung talked about the newest random discoveries (“Lizards can do what?!” You gasped as Jisung smiled with his heart-shaped lips.) and Seungmin would supply a jab or two (“I never signed up to take care of two toddlers!” The boy lamented as the two of you continued making plans of a semi impromptu road trip. His expression somehow managed to encompass his exasperation and fondness.)
“It’s okay, Jisungie.” He answered with an uncharacteristic softness towards the male. “She wouldn’t like me missing school.”
The full-cheeked boy only said a soft, “Okay.” and they both were highly aware that was enough.
“Also, Jisu’s notes? Stop bothering her about that. You should be doing neater notes—” The taller boy chewed and Jisung couldn’t help but only boisterously laugh.
He knew if you were seeing this development (sad Seungmin was no fun. Jisung thinks he could be compared to a walking body whose mind and heart were robbed), you would be grinning and giving him two big, grateful thumbs up.
♡━━━━━━━━♡
’39: Seungmin, I hope you’re not moping around your house alone all the time or I’m going down there and shank you! Jokes aside, I hope you’re hanging out with the boys even if it is for short while. Let them support you. You’re not the only person who lost me.’
“Thank you for coming!” Chan greeted the boy on his house’s sleek doorway as House EDM blasted from the interior. The sound was already piercing into the boy’s system.
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Seungmin answered with a good-natured grin. It was one that his friends missed seeing as he barely displayed it with the genuineness it had now.
(CB97: guys seungminnie is smiling TT-TT
WOOJ: finally!
j_one: r u serious??? where is he?? i wanna hug him!!)
“Seungmin!” A gruff voice reverberated in between the two voices and a mop of black hair and buffed arms made his way.
“Changbin hyung!” The brunette said before he felt strong arms wrap against his torso and pulling him into a warm hug.
“I’m proud of you.” The older of the two whispered.
Seungmin only laughed. “It wouldn’t have been possible without you guys.”
(spearb: he said it was thanks to us
spearb: does someone have spare tissues?
hyunjeans: AWWWWW
foxjeongin: that’s not true stop spreading slander -seungmin
youknowleeknow: if you say so seungminnie!)
♡━━━━━━━━♡
‘152: Seungmin, I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you about my illness sooner. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I never considered how you felt and that was wrong. So, I’m sorry and I hope this was enough to show you how much I love you back.’
“I miss her, hyung. Sometimes I feel like she’s alive and will walk up to me and tell me this was a big fat joke for not appreciating her enough.” Seungmin grunted as he swung on the swing of the nearby park on his apartment’s building complex.
The moon was fully displayed against the ebony backdrop. The only big source of light was from her. The surrounding orange-lighted light posts barely illuminated as they were on the last stride of their lives.
“You know, she wouldn’t do that. But, I feel that too at times.” Minho replied, voice gentle and soft as always. “But, we both know that’s not impossible.”
The cars honked loudly as their only sense of time. A late Thursday where the older dancer was submitting last-minute essays while the latter was preparing to pack his belongings for university. That should have been the plan before they stumbled upon each other in their nearby 24/7 open convenience store, arms stocked with the latest Shin ramen cup.
“I am only halfway through her star notes and I feel like once they stop, there’s going to be nothing. Nothing of me.”
A loud honk resonated in the space and rusty metal chains stopped swinging. It seemed as his motion dragged time as everything felt that it stopped at his command. Everything, even his oxygen flow, halted between them.
(“The sunset is the prettiest, isn’t it?” You held his hand as you walked alongside him on the ever populated Han River. “It represents the beginning of the end.”)
Seungmin’s most hated time of the day, the dying sunset, finalizing its last show.
“No. Life won’t stop.” He started off. “The sun and the moon will still come up. The shore will still move even if she doesn’t. Seungmin, she gave you those stars so you can recover your strength and keep moving on.”
He paused before adding with a small smile.
(“You know, I really love Minho’s smile.” You once commented as the two of you strolled to get ice cream. The dessert already melting at the mercy of the stinging heat and sliding through your clammy fingers. “It’s so light. It makes me feel everything is going to be okay.”)
“So, don’t stop.”
♡━━━━━━━━♡
‘368: I am sure the guys are taking care of you, but it won’t work if you don’t try. So, Kim Seungmin! I hope you are enjoying the wonders of life. You are discovering new things every day and falling in love with them! I hope life is treating you kindly. I love you!’
“Congratulations boys!” Woojin said as he stared at the ensemble of 2000 liners lined up, taking some final pictures and bidding goodbyes to their classmates. “You finally graduated and can stop smooching from us.”
“That’s never going to stop, hyung.” Felix supplied as Jisung nodded in agreement. “That’s right. Actually, shouldn’t you be treating us today?!”
Seungmin only cackled as he watched the interaction between the three before he felt a warm hand latched to his shoulder. He turned around to see your mother with a bouquet.
“Congratulations Seungmin.” She said with a docile voice, more energetic than the previous time they met. She pushed the flowers forward, “I loved your valedictorian speech. I’m sure she would have loved it too.”
(‘___, are you watching from wherever you are? If so, congratulations on graduating. You worked hard.’ He said quietly, so softly that he thought the words didn’t reach the microphone.
Yet, a loud ‘WHOOP!’ from a certain Han Jisung broke the reverie he enchanted and had the crowd following his lead with loud cheers and emotional weeps.)
Seungmin grinned as he took the offered roses. “Thank you. I’m glad to have made you two proud.”
♡━━━━━━━━♡
‘574: Hello love, I’m sorry. Before you get mad, you deserve to hear this. I knew about your feelings and ran away before you could verbally say them. I didn’t want to drag you down in a painful path, but I guess I still did.
I’m really sorry about that.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to forgive me. Be resentful and angry about it.’
“I could never be.” He muttered as the moonlight poured inside of his room and colored in a layer of silver. It was a nice shade for melancholy. “But, damn. This makes me want to be angry.”
(’Time doesn’t stop for anyone.’ A voice sounding too much like Changbin’s echoed inside of his brain.)
♡━━━━━━━━♡
‘784: Fun fact of the day: my love for you is big as the universe we live in and more. Can you tell I got inspired by the movie we watched a few days ago? Theory of everything... where everything started with her.
It all starts with you and it will also end with you. Remember that.’
♡━━━━━━━━♡
‘900: Kim Seungmin, I have two wishes. The ones you read before were favors, but this one is a wish! Celebrate graduation with me. I don’t want any tears! Just your pretty smile! I love you and take your time!’
♡━━━━━━━━♡
It was like any other day, February 2021.
“___, congratulations on graduating!” A man dressed in expensive slacks walked towards your grave. He was holding a bouquet of pink and white roses. “You missed out! You should have seen how much the teacher cried when she said a few words about you.”
His voice was light and joyful, you could tell by how his honey-colored tone elevated a pitch unable to control the fluctuation. He was wearing a smile, a set of pearly whites displayed only for you.
That was so unbearably Seungmin. (You would have loved to see it.)
He put the bouquet aside before he kneeled down to be eye to eye with your gravestone. The engravings ‘In the loving memory of our greatest treasure’ stared him back.
“She said you were a lion heart, holding so much courage and passion for everything you did.” His smile waned, threatening to spill out the mixture of contradictory emotions whirring on his chest. “She said you were so loved. You really are.”
He looked at the gravestone closer, trying to see if there were any residue of dirt. He is only greeted with an impeccable, clear coated stone with several bouquets laid next to each other.
(“We visited earlier,” Hyunjin told him as they settled down for a morning coffee earlier. The pretty lips man tugged his suitcase closer. His flight to Los Angeles a few hours from now. “We as in Minho and I. The rest are doing it throughout the day. Hopefully, you are the last, Seungminnie.”)
He exhaled, liberating the piling stress on the hollow crevices of his bones and shedding the ripples coursing through his muscles. For once, his heart felt peaceful. He pulled his knees together, chin tucked in.
“This is so embarrassing because I am two years late.” His hand flew to his nape, smothering it back and forth. “But, I’m finally here with the bouquet you kept eyeing on the flower shop.” He exhaled again before his hands shoved into his blazer's wide and squared pocket and pulled out the two remaining paper stars. “These are the last ones. I’m nervous to read them.”
His fingers enclosed them before opening again. The red and blue stars laid as if they were the last pieces of the pandora box. A key to a happiness he has been enjoying a lot as of late.
“But, I’m ready.”
Fear crawls to his throat, nesting a home as he unfolds the star.
‘999: Remember when I told you I would ask you for two wishes? This is the second one! Kim Seungmin, I asked you before! I really want you to enjoy life and be completely happy. I want you to go out and date whoever and whenever you want. I hope you already did or are, but if not… It’s time to let me go.
Thank you for loving me at that time. Thank you for letting me love you.’
A tear rolled down his cheek. The fear that was crawling was no longer mushed between the fleshy walls and the lingering mucus. There was only a prick, akin to the touch of a thorny rose.
He wasn’t sure how he was breathing as he opened the last star.
‘1000: I love you a thousand Kim Seungmin.’
He doesn’t recall when he started full-on sobbing, but he was. His body kept quivering incessantly. The waterfalls were unable to stop pouring onto his cheeks.
“I love you a thousand too, little star.”
#seungmin#kim seungmin#stray kids#skz#stray kids imagine#stray kids blurbs#stray kids scenarios#seungmin imagines#seungmin scenarios#seungmin blurbs
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Truth, Justice, and the Symbol of Peace.2.
Musutafu, Japan
“...its unknown where he has gone to, however all heroes are searching for any remainder..”
“...Endeavor made a statement that he would do anything to find All-Might again, however with the new position as #1 Hero, it would take time…”
“... outpost raided, found several vats of strange creatures soon destroyed by on-scene heroes. Even stranger were the numerous hands found, cut off at the..”
A small *click* sounded behind Izuku’s head, turning the t.v. off. He sits on the couch, head in his hands, weeping. His shirt is wrinkled, his hair unkempt, he looks a mess. On the table in front of him are several snot-filled tissues, half drank bottles of water, and his notebooks. Inko walked around the couch and sat down, putting her arm around him. Izuku didn’t even look up. “Izuku,” she said as he put the remote on the table, being careful not to spill anything. “I know this is a hard time for you, but you can’t stay in all day.”
It has been two days since the disappearance of All-Might. The world is forever changed at his absence, but with him he took the ultimate evil as well. However, a void is felt on both sides by their leaving. But the absence in Izuku’s soul was far larger than any geopolitical one.
“I know you looked up to him but Izuku, you don’t have a quirk. It was always going to be a dream. I guess.. I guess it just happened sooner rather than later.”
He still cried.
Inko hugged her son close, burying her face in his fuzzy green hair. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I can’t imagine how this feels. Just,” she pulled away, rubbing his back, “ please take a walk. It’ll help more than you think.” She stands up, kissing him on his forehead, before walking back into her room. A few minutes later, the crying stopped. Izuku looked up from his hands and wipe them off his pants. His eyes were red, but he could cry no more. Maybe his mom was right. He had no powers. He couldn’t be a real hero anyway. His one inspiration to keep going just disappeared. No one else said anyone can be a hero. Just him. And if he’s gone?
Then the dream goes with him too.
After a quick shower and a change of clothes, Izuku was going to go on that walk his mom told him to do. It was rather late, but he needed to cool his head. As he was walking out the door, he spied the notebook on his table still. He stood there, just looking. After a while, he picked up one and walked out the door. A hobby never hurt anyone, and hero watching was a common enough hobby.
It was late evening in the city, and the walk was working wonders. The lamplights had the small moths nipping at its light. A calm but crisp wind wrapped it’s way around the streets, brushing Izuku’s hair. I needed this, he thought, Mom was right. I should focus on normal kid things I guess. He pulled out his notebook and flipped through a few pages, updating the drawings with the correct designs and tweaking the stats as he walked. The sounds of fighting made him stop.
Izuku had passed by an alleyway, and from within the sounds of conflict echoed. Being the never-smart child he is and will forever be, he turned to immediately investigate. The alley was dark and dingy, as they usually are. Under the fire escapes and lights of barred windows wrestled three figures. Izuku saw among them some underground street villains he recognized from his studies. Hothead the fire villain and Freezmont the ice villain! Together they were fighting someone, but Izuku could not see who. He moved so fast, and threw such powerful punches. Hothead shot a blast of flame at the man, missing but showing his body. He was huge, but beyond his outline he was still obscured by shadow. His fist connected into Hothead’s chest and the flame villain went into the ground, knocked out. Freezmont spent no time in trying to run away, but it was no use. The shadowy giant merely extended his hand and otu shot a cord, it wrapped around Freezmont’s legs and tripped him. He hit his head on a trashcan on the way down, sending him to sleep.
At this point, some rain had started to pour. But Izuku didn’t care. He was enraptured with this new figure. He had never seen him before! A new hero perhaps? He instantly took out his notebook and started to write down everything he saw, his predictions of the person’s quirk, even a quick sketch. When he looked up again, the figure was gone. Huh..guess he must have left. He turned around, only to bump into someone.
Looking up, he saw only darkness and two bright lights of eyes stare down at him.
“You have it wrong in your book.”
Izuku was speechless. He could not even move. The figure before him was towering, huge. His voice felt like a subwoofer benign dragged through a gravel factory. A dark blackness was around his entire body, wrapping him. All Izuku saw was his strong chin underneath his mask.
“I--I.. who-” “Let me ask a few questions of my own.” The rain started to pick up, the sound of thunder moving over them.
“One : why were you recording my movements and description. Two: where am I? And three: Where is the rest of the Justice League?”
Izuku stared at him and shook, the cold of the rain getting to him. The giant did not move an inch. “Uhh...I’m Izuku Midoryia, and I like recording heroes in my book. You’re in Japan..uhh.. What's the Justice League? And why was my book wrong? It's not going to be completely accurate I know because it's just an eyewitness and you're a new hero and all so-”
“Stop.” The voice cut Izuku instantly. The giant looked up, as if thinking. “I am going to ask you questions, and I need you to answer correctly.” The giant leaned in. “I’ll know if you’re lying.”
Izuku gulped and nodded his head. “Do you know who Superman is?” Izuku shook his head.
“That's all I needed.” The shadow turned from him, and began to walk away. Izuku stepped forward and shouted, “WAIT!” It stopped. “Why was my book wrong?” The shadow turned to face Izuku and raised one of its mighty arms into the air.
“I don’t have powers.”
At that moment, a lightning flash lit up the alley. Before Izuku was a grey suited man. He wore a yellow belt and held in his hand a grappling gun. Around his shoulders and leading into his mask was a cape and cowl. And on his chest, an insignia of a bat. He shot his hook and flew into the city, swinging on rope to swinging rope until he was out of sight. But that didn’t matter. The sight of him was burned into Izuku’s mind, along with his words.
He doesn’t have powers...Does that mean? Is there still a chance that I..?
He turned and ran home. His mind racing a mile a minute.
There’s still a chance!
Washington D.C., United States
The Hall of Justice was swarmed with reporters. The police had to install a perimeter to keep them all at bay, but that didn’t stop the helicopters from flying overhead. However, the chaos outside was nothing like the chaos within. While the hall was quiet, there was no less tension.
In the meeting chamber, around a giant table emblazoned with the symbol of the JLA sat its key members, save for one empty seat. Each member was staring at the matter of discussion, the giant muscle man at the end of the table, standing next to Superman.
“Thank you all for coming here today, I know it takes a lot to make it happen.”
“Cut the chatter Supes, we know what we’re here for,” said the Flash. “Indeed,” echoed the Martian Manhunter. “Let us dispense with the pleasantries and get to the matter at hand”
Superman sighed. “Alright, i’ll let our.. Guest tell you what happened.” Superman gestured for All-Might to step forward. He took one step, and was instantly wrapped in a bubble of green energy. “Now excuse me for being rude here, “ said the Green Lantern as he floated out of his seat, power ring out. “But why should we believe him, Superman? I’m all for trust, but the coincidence is too uncanny!” Wonder Woman rose from seat as well. “I agree with the Lantern. First Batman goes missing, then he shows up in the same amount of time? It is unusual.”
“Hear hear,” spoke Hawkman comfortably from his seat. All-Might just looked around, puzzled at the reception. He thought they would be more welcoming of him, this is an entirely separate emotion. He didn’t often see animosity from other heroes. Different world, I suppose.
“Hey!” Superman shouted, shooting Green Lantern a look. The green energy around All-Might reluctantly left him, and the members took their seats again. “Look, I know it seems fishy. But that is exactly why he is here. And I talked to him before I brought him here. He at least seems trustworthy enough that I give him my go ahead. Please let him speak.”
Wonder Woman huffed. “Fine. He gets one chance.”
Superman turned to All-Might again, giving a nod of his head to continue. “Well, uh” All Might began with confidence. “I am All Might, and this is not my world. I come from a world where everyone has what you call superpowers. I was fighting one that would seek to control all of it , and has done so before. His name is All For One. During my fight with him, before I could land a finishing blow, he must have somehow activated a portal. It sucked him in and I followed soon after. Next thing I know, i’m fighting him in a different city. Then your Superman here helped me dispatch All For One. He then politely, but firmly, asked that I come with him for questioning. That is why I am here. I do not know of your ‘Bat Man’, though I imagine he is a terrifying presence.”
The Flash snorted, earning him a dirty look from Wonder Woman and Green Lantern.
“Thank you, All Might,” said Superman as All Might stepped back. “So you see, we seem to be part of an impromptu transfer program as it were. We traded Batman for All Might and All For One.”
“What an exchange,” grumbled Green Lantern.
Superman ignored his comment, continuing on. “We don’t know how Batman could have gotten in a portal, as we don’t know where he was before he disappeared.”
“How do we even know Batman is in this world,” spoke the Martian Manhunter, “Or even transported by a portal at all? This is hardly the first time he has gone without communication for extended periods of time.” A murmuring of agreements fluttered the table.
“Because he was supposed to meet me and didn’t. And we know how he is never late.” Superman’s comment seemed to chill the table, which was strange to All Might. Scary and on time? I shudder at his power, not even I can do both.
“We can at least guess with a good amount of certainty that he is in this new world. And from what All-Might has told us, he will not last long. With even the common street thugs being superpowered, it will be tough even for him. As such, I will be researching with Star Labs on how to track where Batman last was.”
Wonder Woman stood up. “And what do we do with him?” She pointed at All Might, who while used to the public spotlight never felt so singled out before. Superman smiled. “Well, I thought you and I could take turns. Keeping an eye on him. Since we both seem to be the only ones capable of being on-par with his power, we stand the best chance of stopping him.”
Superman turned his head to look at All Might again. “No offense.”
All Might just nodded his head. “No, I understand. I am a foreign entity at the removal of your comrade. I too would be suspicious if the same were done to me. However, I am not a child. I do not need to be looked over. I fight for peace and justice, just like you all.”
“If it's all the same,” Wonder Woman said, ”we’d like to be cautious.” All Might nodded, though his feelings were hurt. Usually when I make speeches, people like me. This world is harsh and cruel.
“Meeting adjourned.”
#original#fanfiction#my hero fanfic#my hero academia#dc fanfic#superhero#superhero story#superman#bnha#mha#deku#izuku midoyria#allmight#boku no hero fanfic#writing#creative writing#creative#creativewriting#crossover
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Deeper Relations: 08
(Freddie Jackson x Reader)
A Freddie Jackson Multi Chapter Series
Chapter 08: The Effect
Rating: Mature (18+) 🔥
Story Requested by: @97freaknik
Summary: Being the youngest sister of Jackie and Maggie, you were quite young when Freddie Jackson went to prison. Upon his return, you cannot help but recall your innocent love you had for him back then. And surprised by your transformation into womanhood, Freddie cannot help but form a desire towards you. Will a dangerously seductive attraction grow between the two of you? What will be the consequences?
Author’s Note: Being the story teller, I’m fanning myself writing this spicy story. Please note, I don’t personally approve of the actions taken by these characters aka infidelity. Just enjoy the drama like you’re watching an episode of the show lol. Enjoy!
Series Masterlist HERE
With the door properly locked, a sudden urge came over you. Stripping down, you stood in front of the mirror completely naked. This was nothing new. You remember doing the same a few months ago. The last time, you acted on this to prove yourself a point. Several points, to be specific. You wanted to prove the change you had undergone from a girl to a woman. You wanted to prove the denial of feelings that were unwanted and forbidden, giving yourself any reason to forget them.
But this time, you acted on this to celebrate.
The average person might consider this as a way to reconnect with one’s body. But what you did was different. For you just wanted to celebrate the change.
You were not in denial of those feelings, instead you were aware and proud of them. In fact, you were confident, and most of all, you’ve never felt sexier. As you eyes traveled across every inch of the reflection of your body, you just could not believe. Could not believe he laid his eyes on them, could not believe his hands had touched, his lips had tasted. All those blessings were completely unfathomable. You had changed, evolved in to a better version of yourself. And you were glad because finally, your wish had come true.
You had won in love.
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( One month later)
Family Dinner. It was that time. A tradition that would be carried out frequently, suddenly broke its cycle for the first time, delaying it for almost a month. But there were valid reasons, like Maggie and Jimmy finally moving to their own place for example. Nevertheless, it was lovely for all to get together after quite some time.
You managed to bring in the biggest surprise, by going through the biggest change. It was not intentional, for it just happened. The one who longed to fade into the background, had grown the most proactive.
Cooking had become a new hobby and the kitchen was a place of peace, that you grew confident in feeding others. So much so you offered to cook for the entire evening, giving your mother some time off to sit back and unwind with a glass of wine, until the rest arrived. Your change was practically announced by your welcoming greeting of a voice the moment they entered the house.
“Y/N…this is all so delicious! I’m impressed”
With food still in her mouth, Maggie managed to deliver that line so perfectly. And given the looks of the others, including the children, it was safe to say that all agreed. You smiled brightly.
“Thank you,Mags”
Lena Summers turned to her eldest daughter.
“Jackie darling… could you please ask your sister what’s going on with her?”
She said cheerfully, her face red as she held on to her glass of wine, “Cause whenever I would…she would just change the conversation”
As a mother, Lena had a point. The change was evident and incomprehensible. Tonight you were chattier, you were helpful, enthusiastic about every damned, thing that was discussed. You were even keen on what the children talked about. And moreover, the huge smile that adorned your face could not be wiped off throughout the entire time. But this phenomena, it was not limited to just today. You had been this way for a while. Smiling to oneself, a musical tune would always linger in your lips while a skip would stick in your step. And your eyes, the light that made them both shine, had an origin no one could pinpoint by yourself.
Jackie, however seemed not so convinced. With a cold smile, she looked at you.
“Actually I wanted to ask her that myself…” she said, “What is going on with you?”
Guessing from her tone, it was very much clear she did not believe what she saw. Nor was she pleased. Why? You did not know. And frankly you did not care.
“Well…I guess I’m just…” You began, “I finally found the way to be happy with myself-”
“That’s not true…” Jackie cut in to your surprise, “I’m your sister and I know you’ve never been an unhappy child to finally be happy” she added in a rather snarky tone, the gold bracelets on her wrists clashed while she pointed her fork at you, “But this is just quite unexpected…so what is it?” She repeated the question, “You found someone new, maybe?” She asked, wearing a mischievous smile.
“Oh…” Maggie and Jimmy could not help but utter together. You looked down shyly.
“Oh I rather not say” you said, chuckling.
“Why not?” Jackie asked persistently.
“Well… “ The moment you put your fork down, all were silenced, “…suppose I say that I am in love…suppose I am…” you paused, suddenly lost in your thoughts with a smile, “…suppose I am..so very deeply.” Your voice laced with affection,“It’s just that the last time didn’t really work out…so maybe it’s best if I keep my mouth shut this time until I’m sure if er…this gets serious or not” you said.
“Oh I agree, smart one Y/N…” Jimmy called out. Looking at him, you nodded.
“Thanks, Jimmy”
“But isn’t this wonderful? Y/N is in love”
Maggie’s heartfelt tone made you laugh, as you picked up your fork again.
But yes, they were right. You really were in love. And you were indulging the honeymoon phase of your relationship, a phase you hoped would never end. For you treasured this relationship. The relationship with the irresistible man who sat across you at the table, next to your sister. A wonderful, yet secret relationship with Freddie Jackson.
Being a secret, the obstacles to overcome were many. The meeting place for example.
The Rose Gardens Hotel, the place that started it all, became the default location for the lovers. It was your home away from home. A quaint space for the two of you, to be free in love, and free to love. To love fearlessly and passionately.
On some weeks, the days were fixed along with the time, mostly being the afternoons. But some weeks it would change. No matter when, it was made sure it was all unsuspecting and safe. And all everyone knew was that you were at lectures, and he was carrying out business.
Freddie was no fool, and so were you. To be suspected by anyone was a huge risk to take. In order to not cause any suspicion or accidental screwups, you showed little to no indication of your interest to each other at home. You made it quite convincing. So convincing it made the both of you laugh so hard.
When hotel rendezvous were null and void, when chance to make passionate love was not offered, fooling around would be the only option. And you both were willing takers. For even the slightest grope, fondle, grind or any other form of foreplay still satisfied the hunger for one another. Initially you were concerned whether Freddie would be contented by that. But to your surprise he was. This astounded you.
Fooling around, it would occur in the most unexpected of times, meaning every day was indeed a surprise, or an adventure.
There was a reason for your heart to skip a beat, or butterflies to fill in your stomach whenever you’d find Freddie drive by in your neighborhood, offering to drop you off to lectures. And, instead of actually going to lectures, You would end up in the suburbs, stopping by somewhere, where it was just the two of you. At the comfort of his car, in quiet seclusion.
The car was a witness many romantic escapades. Some of them would be when you would please him. Nestled in between his thighs below the carseat, you would taste him for as long as you wished. No one was there to judge. All the while his hands held you by the hair, displaying his approval and satisfaction, while proving more arousal. The other days would be when Freddie takes his turn to pleasure you. Having you sit on his lap, with your back pressed against his chest, was what he preferred. It made quite sense, especially when you curvaceous buttocks rested on his clothed manhood throughout the entire time. It would start out as innocence as you resting against him, indulging the beautiful view of what nature had presented to you. And then it would playfully proceed as to you watching his hand cleverly slither inside your thin sweater, just so he could fondle your eager breasts one at a time, just so he could marvel at their softness. It would get more heated, when you watch him wet his fingers with his own saliva, before encircling your nipples with moist, playfully pulling them to make them erect. Just when you thought things were heated already, he would take another step further, letting his other envious hand take the stage. He’d let you suck his digits, before digging into your skirt to caress and massage your wet slit, inserting them with ease soon after.
This also, was done in his own leisure, forcing you to grip his hair or even the leather seat until you’ve finally reached your peak. He even had the audacity to let you taste yourself in his fingers. All this while you savored the sweet nothings he muttered in your ear.
The physical pleasure was exciting, yes. But you were even more stimulated by the emotional connection you managed to form with him. Wherever you would meet and whatever you would do together, conversations would always take place somehow. The rush from genuine interest with talking and mutual listening was incomparable. With your enthusiasm shown, he was more than happy open up. Whatever the good or the bad, you listened to him. And with your indirect influence, Freddie clearly had evolved more as a gangster, being more careful, less reckless and clear headed enough to take in more responsibility and win the respect or many and be feared by many as well.
Picking on the piece of meat on your plate, you returned from your thoughts,
“Yeah well…” you said, “…all I want is to find love as great what Maggie and Jackie has” you looked at your sisters. While Maggie beamed, Jackie smiled with pride.
“Yeah. She will, right babe?” She said, looking over at Freddie. Flashing his signature smile, he nodded enthusiastically as expected.
“Of course she will” he said.
Pulling her husband by the hand, Jackie kept her gaze on you while she leaned to kiss Freddie. Except he did not. Swiftly moving to the side, he rested his lips on her cheek instead. And he did that on purpose. Nodding, you looked down to resume eating. And you could not help but smile. That kiss, it was meant to say something. For that was him, pledging his loyalty to you in public. His very own symbol that his lips were yours from here onwards.
Why did it suddenly feel like there was a game between you and your sister? And you were the only one who knew? And which game you were not sure. Was it for winning his affections? Or succeeding in turning him loyal to one woman? And why did it feel like you won them all?
You could go down that path if you wanted to. The path to feeling pity, feeling guilty. For this was ethically wrong in so many levels. But you chose not to.
Because finally, you were truly happy. Because finally, you were in love the way you wanted to be. That passionate love that excited you. And it didn’t hurt anyone.You made sure of it.
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(4 days later)
“Ah! Yes…Oh!!! Fuck yes!”
The room at the Rose Gardens Hotel brimmed with the cries of your pleasure. One those rendezvous again between the secret lovers. And given the time, it was an afternoon delight as always. Except this time, Freddie had special privilege in the ‘tasting’ of the sweet dessert.
Your body, it writhed. Your hips rolled forwards and backwards in a steady rhythm. All the while you remained comfortably seated in bed, with Freddie’s face in between your luscious thighs. Sitting on one’s lover’s face had been a fantasy of yours, and here you were living it while he fed on you. Your long loose tresses moved gracefully when you threw your head back, maintaining the rhythm whilst being controlled by his hungry tongue that explored your most sacred place. Playing with your breasts, you made sure the buds were teased and stimulated the way he would always do, which sent you through the pathway to heaven. Your naked body glistened with sweat, making you look more attractive and convincing than any random actress in any erotic film. And what everything better were the delicious sounds that exited his lips whilst he savored you.
“Yes…that’s it. There’s the spot, Freddie!” You moaned, “I’m almost there…ah!”
Finally reaching the destination, You cried out as the climactic juices flowed out of you. You wanted to get up as quickly as you could, in order to avoid the mess in his face, but you could even consider that, you gasped as his tongue lapped up and licked all the remaining juices, until you were completely dry.All because he was famished for you. Literally. As much as he enjoyed tasting your food, nothing could be compared to the sweet taste of your own body. ‘Your little cupcake’ as he called it. Thinking about it for 4 days with waiting impatiently, he certainly was famished.
A few minutes later, Freddie came out of the shower. When he did, he found you sitting on the bed still naked. Leaning against the headboard, you stared at your wristwatch with a thoughtful expression. For suddenly you did not feel good. The more you analyzed it, you realized you were sad about something. And soon afterwards, you realized why. You sighed heavily.
“Why so quiet, babe?”
Freddie’s voice reached your ears. Eyes still on the watch, you answered by shaking your head.
“Nothing…just”
“Awww come on!!…Freddie knows that’s a load of porky”
You felt the bed shake slightly when Freddie landed on it next to you, “You can tell me…” he said. The moment you finally looked over at him, you were greeted with a gentle kiss. Kisses from his luscious lips were always lovely, you randomly thought. But that thought suddenly disappeared when you noticed what he was wearing.
“You’re wearing a bathrobe…” you muttered with raised eyebrows, “…you look different” you said with a questionable look.
“Yeah? You mean like fancy different?” He asked with interest, showing himself off proudly, “ Don’t I look fucking regal? ”
You could not help but laugh at that. Freddie took your hand.
“Now come on… don’t change the subject” He said, using his convincing tone. Taking a deep breath, you decided it was better to just vent.
“I…I found out my grades this semester have gone bad.” You muttered shyly, “I’ve fallen so much behind”
It was true. Ever since this relationship came into being, you developed the tendency to skip classes more than usual in order to meet Freddie. And since the meetups increased than expected, your attendance rate was greatly affected. Which resulted in your lack of attention to the lessons and assignments. At the beginning you thought it wont be much of a problem and making up for it would be easy. But it was not as easy it sounded.
“Those fuckin’ wankers…”
Freddie muttered, to which you shook your head frantically, while your hands played with the knot of his robe.
“Freddie! It’s no one’s fault but mine…”
You began, casually loosening the knot to open his robe. Fresh from the shower, his skin smelled like refreshing shower gel, “But…I know this is the only time we can meet.” You continued, as your fingers ran over the tattoos on his chest, “And I love this…” you said softly, bending down to kiss them, then looking up at him, “I love you.” You breathed devotedly, “And I don’t you want to get in trouble by forcing you to meet me at another time” you said affectionately, curling yourself next to him.
“Well…” Freddie began, eyes half closed from indulging the kisses you placed on his abdomen, “…can’t you get the notes from any of your mates?”
Moving away, your jaw dropped with disbelief.
“Wow! You really don’t remember why, do you?”You scoffed with disappointment.
Because you remembered. It was one particular day when Freddie managed to drop you off to University after a quick session of fooling around. Gilbert Brown, one of the most studious students in your class had promised to lend you his notes. And keeping his word, he stood there outside the lecture building with the notes you needed. Moved by his kindness, you could not help but hug him with such gratitude. But as you closed the door behind you in the building, your eyes caught the of Freddie making conversation with your classmate. It seemed that he had whispered something to the young man’s ear, all the while he held on to his head violently. Ever since then, Gilbert never spoke to you again.
However, Freddie did not see the severity of your problem. For he has his own.
“I didn’t like the way that bugger touched you” he growled softly. You clicked your tongue.
“It was just a hug, Freddie. It’s not a big deal”
“Well it is for me” he replied tad harshly.
During this relationship, the more you learnt about Freddie Jackson, the more you realized how jealousy ate him whole. The fire burnt in his eyes as he said those words. Sensing the anger in him, you grew a bit intimidated. Sensing your fear, his eyes suddenly grew softer.
“Y/N…” He began softly, surprising you as he hovered over you, “You don’t know how fuckin special you are…” the manner his voice evolved into a seductive one, made you gulp,“You’re like crack…” he went on, lifting a finger “You’re fuckin… addictive… and like no… other” just so he could gingerly run it over your rib cage, drawing little circles down your stomach, as you gasped softly “And the thought of other men realizing what a keeper you are…just…ah!”
He grunted all the sudden, when you finally realized how his hand left your body, only to feel his own manhood. With his eyes never leaving you, his hand worked on himself until he was hard.
How he spoke of you, how he revered you, it was clearly your weakness. Freddie Jackson had his way with words. And you were a victim. His desire for you had crossed many lines and his jealousy was evident. The level of how much he wanted you did not make you angry, instead it made you powerful. But more importantly, you were aroused beyond all measure. The dampened slit was proof enough. Spreading your legs wide open, you cupped his face, lust burning in your eyes.
“Fuck me…” you breathed.
And just like that, no more words were necessary for him to proceed.
You tasted his hungry kiss, crying out loud when you felt your inner walls fill up as he entered you with haste. He was particularly rough, moving faster than usual but he was fully aroused. Thus, the bed creaked louder as you moved along with it. Your ample breasts in turn bounced in effect. catching Freddie’s attention in an instant. Maintaining speed, his mouth latched onto the erect nipples, suckling on them hard for he could not resist.
“Ah yes…harder…ah!”
Free to vocalize to your pleasure, you moaned out loud as he kept moving. You always welcomed him inside you, and loving him was never a burden. And both of your utmost satisfaction, release was met, the conflict was forgotten, and you rested for the rest of the day as you could not walk afterwards.
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(The next day)
Stepping out of the Lecture Building, you never felt more confused. You missed the good old times. The times when you were always ahead of lesson, well prepared with everything and anything. You missed being in control of this aspect of your life.
Walking back to carry out some errands, you began to debate with yourself on getting your studies on track. Would the library be resourceful enough? Or online courses? Before you could make a decision, you felt someone tap you on the shoulder. Turning quickly, you sighed in relief to find Marcus behind you.
“Hey!” You said with genuine surprise, to which he nodded with a small smile.
“Where you off to?” He asked softly.
“The Chemist…need to get some vitamins”
“Oh! I’ll walk with you then”
“Thanks…”
Walking together, you breathed in the comfortable silence shared. Looking over at him, you sensed a different energy. He did not look happy as he usually would. Since you both had different classes, the thought of meeting him had slipped off your mind completely. You felt guilty. You missed him. It had been a while since you saw your friends.
“We rarely see you around, you know”
He began, when you both entered the Chemist Shop, “Is something wrong?”
With all that happened recently, you did not know what to disclose and what not to . You pressed your lips together, “Uh…you know. Stuff…”
Your answer was ambiguous. Awkward silence filled as the two of you walked along the aisles. Chuckling, you were in dire need of a segue.
“Can you believe I can’t get anyone to lend me their notes from class?” You scoffed, eyeing the bottles of Vitamins, “Me… of all people…ha!”
But Marcus did not answer nor express his surprise. Except he just stared at one of the bottles of pills.
“Y/N…” he began, with his hands deep in his pockets, “I don’t know if you know this but…there’s a story going around about you”
“What story?”
“People they… they keep saying that blokes can’t talk to you or be associated with you anymore cause this gangster keeps showing up, threatening them not to. I saw him once…” Marcus continued, “Wasn’t that Freddie?”
You froze. You knew it. His actions certainly had brought forth noticeable consequences. So this was what his actions have brought upon you. No wonder nobody wanted to lend you notes. They were frightened of you.
“I mean…Why would your brother-in-law be so protective of you?” Marcus asked, unable to comprehend the situation. And frankly, so did you.
“Oh you don’t know Freddie…” you chuckled nervously, avoiding the question at all costs, ,“He’s like this with all the women in the family”
“Well I haven’t seen him do this before…” He snapped, which drove you to the edge.
“Marcus! What do you want me to say? What do you expect me to do?? HUH?”
Panting, you realized how loud and angry you sounded. Taken back by your reaction, Marcus looked disappointed.
“Are we not friends? Why can’t you tell us?” He said, his voice laced with sadness, “You really have changed, Y/N…” he murmured, “Heath was right…You barely see us anymore”
Realizing the weight of your actions, you felt your heart break and you wanted it to stop.
“Marcus please-”
“No…” he cut you off firmly, “Call me when you finally figured out what’s going with you…”He said as he took his queue to leave, “or else don’t…”
Watching him walk out of the store, You sighed heavily, feeling shittier than you felt earlier. He was right, you have been a terrible friend. Barely seeing your friends, or calling them. As if they were suddenly wiped out of your interests at heart. Without even picking the bottle of vitamin pills you needed, you found yourself walking around the store. An empty feeling came over you. First studies, now your friends. Why was everything you had a firm hold on were slipping away from your grasp. As you kept walking, you caught the sight of one particular aisle.
Halting in your tracks, your eyes widened as you clutched your chest with shock.
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Your heart was beating so fast, you felt in your mouth. Exiting the store, you walked out with haste until you ended up speed walking. When that was deemed slow, you decided to run. The plastic bag floated up high as it hung on to your hand. You just wanted to get home.
Too long. It had been too long. And you did not even notice? How could you be so careless?
You ran so fast, anyone who passed by seemed irrelevant. Even storming into the house, you barely acknowledged your mother as you darted towards the bathroom.
“Having a bad stomach, love?”
Lena Summers cried out from the kitchen.
“Yes mum!”
Answering back, you slammed the bathroom shut, locking it afterwards.
Exhaling deeply, you leaned against the door. The thought of this happening to you was simply unfathomable. You closed your eyes, as you began counting something using you fingers. But no matter how many times you tried, you were not relieved with the answer. Impatient beyond your control, you took the small box out of the plastic bag. You teared it open, to have the small yet long stick land on your palm.
Taking a deep breath for the better or for worse, you decided to get on with the next stage.
“Please say no …please say no”
Muttering to yourself like a prayer, the bare of your thighs felt the cool toilet seat as you began to pee into the pregnancy test stick. You shuddered. Was this another part of being responsible? You could not recall the last time you had your period, and glancing upon the aisle of sanitary napkins and tampons sudden forced you to skyrocket back to reality. You did not even stand up, you just kept sitting there, your panties still bunched around your knees. As the one minute went painfully slow, all you could do was to repeat your prayer with desperation.
“Please say no …please say no”
Until you finally decided to take a look.
As your eyes widened, as your breath left your body, it felt as a vital part of you just burnt in smithereens in an instant, leaving nothing but the ashes behind you.
For your prayers, there were not answered.
They were definitely not answered.
______________________________________
Chapter 9 HERE
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Tortured Souls
“I lost count of how many souls.” He said with tears in his eyes. “The things I did to them…”
Word Count: Around 2500
Summary: Years after Dean escaped Hell, the past comes back to haunt him.
Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence and torture
This is purely for a hobby and my enjoyment. Maybe some of you will enjoy it too. I am by no means a writer so I apologize in advance for any mistakes or grammatical/spelling errors. I appreciate any feedback or suggestions!
Beta’d and influenced by the beautiful mind of @misguidedconqueress
----
“I lost count of how many souls.” He said with tears in his eyes. “The things I did to them…”
*** 5 Years Later ***
Sam and Dean had finished a run-of-the-mill hunt. As they ate at an unremarkable bar with mediocre food and lukewarm beer, they sat in silence. They had nothing noteworthy to say and having known each other for so long, any small talk at this point was redundant. The waves of gray skies rolled into dark clouds. Thunder rattled the wooden floors.
Sam cleared his throat and nodded his head in the direction behind Dean. A woman had been intently staring at them for the past 15 minutes or so. Dean took the cue. After finishing a bite and wiping his mouth, he made his way up to the bar for more drinks. While waiting for the beers to be served, he casually let his eyes roam the area where she was sitting.
She was the only thing unordinary in this dull place. Her lips were painted the color of mulled wine and a long gold chain plunged below her deep neckline. The few drops of rain caught in her hair made the false appearance of a glimmering halo. But it was her eyes that haunted Dean the most. The same look he saw every time he glanced in the mirror. Something deeper swimming behind flesh.
She never broke eye contact with him. If the warning tugging at him was familiarity, he couldn’t place it. Almost as if nature magnetically repelled him, he headed back to his table instead of making a pass at her. He handed Sam his drink and shrugged his shoulders.
By the time they had satisfied themselves, the storm was winding down; the rolls of thunder already faded out. Dean fished out a few twenties and laid them on the table before taking a final scan of the room. The girl was nowhere in sight. With nothing else on the agenda, it was time to move on.
Dean met Sam in the car. He started her up, but before pulling out onto the open road. He scanned the channels filled with static until something caught his mood. Dean didn’t know if they were headed home or to another case, so he simply started driving down the main road until Sam would undoubtedly come in hot with an opinion. The wipers streaked across the windshield, making a noise comparable to nails on a chalkboard. It was time for new ones.
Sam was browsing the web on his phone but was distracted when Dean nudged him to look towards his right. The girl from the bar was stranded on the shoulder of the road, helplessly looking into the hood of a smoking car. Sam sighed his discontent but Dean ignored it, pulling over to offer their assistance.
The car door on Dean’s side creaked open and then slammed shut. His words were muffled from the inside of the car as Sam patiently loaded his gun, keeping an eye on his brother. He went to join them. As his door clicked shut, a surreal force threw him against the hood of the car. His head collided against metal. His hand grabbed the side of the door, but his weight dragged him down. Something sharp and warm grew at the top of his scalp. While he fought to keep his eyes open, the light began to dim before he dipped into unconsciousness.
Dean was quick to the draw, you his target. But before he could shout demands or orders, his gun flew from his hand and his feet were swept out from under him. The breath left his lungs. Immediately, you were there, pinning him as a lioness would her prey.
As Dean struggled you purred. “Don’t tell me you don’t remember your first?” Your eyes flashed a thick, inky black. Dean’s brow furrowed. “I’m here to repay the favor.” Your eyes cleared, and seeing them up close the truth was unavoidable.
***
Hell. The place that was indescribable. To call it grimy, muggy, dark, or grim was useless. Any adjective was futile. Any hope was futile. But that was where Dean had once found himself. For thirty years. Tortured, impaled, left to a bloody heaping mess of nothing. And he resisted any escape from the pain. Until now.
In his cell resembling a coal mine, too dark to see the blood and rot on the floor. His arms were stretched so far apart it felt like one more twist of the metal rack would rip his body in two. His chest heaved, hearing wails from nearby cells. Any clink, clang, or shuffle outside his cell caused his heart to race, tears to form in his eyes, and beads of blood-filled sweat to trickle out of his shirtless back.
The door creaked open and in walked the man he knew so well. Although he was no man. He was the monster of monsters. Alastair.
“Well, well, well Dean.” Alastair mocked as he snapped on latex gloves. “Looks like we’ve got quite the agenda for you today.”
Dean’s lip trembled.
“Shall we being with the molars or the plantar tendon?” He asked. “I always love giving choices.” He gleamed.
A single tear slid down Dean’s cheek as he uttered the next words. “I’ll do it.” He shook.
Alastair dropped a shiny metallic device, attempting to not look surprised.
“Whatever you want.” Dean continued. “Please.”
Alastair chuckled. “My, isn’t this a happy day. A student becomes a teacher.”
Dean hung his head low.
“I should warn you though, once you get off the rack, there is no getting back on. Or should I say, you’ll never choose to do so.”
Dean felt the chains lax.
Alastair’s finger tapped on his chin. “Now who should I pair you with…” He paused to think. “It’s not like we’re short on new arrivals. But I find for beginners, compatibility is important.”
With the chains no longer holding his weight, Dean fell to the floor.
“Rest for now Dean,” Alastair instructed. “I’ll be back soon with your first assignment.”
Dean curled up into a ball, his knees to his chest. He shook. For once not from fear or pain. But relief. For a few precious moments of peace. But as Alastair promised, it did not last for long.
By the time he had returned, Dean had pulled his way up from the floor and onto a stone bench carved out from the matching dark wall. He had been allowed to wash, to have fresh clothes. He sat with his elbows to his knees, his hands folded in between. He couldn’t think. He had to turn it off. For what he was about to do… His hands went to his head, pulling at his hair to escape the thought.
Keys clanked at Dean’s cell. His heart raced, and sweat began to pour as if it was all a joke. But Alastair entered, smiling as a proud father would. Two men with a bull ring where eyes should be entered with a starved little thing in between. She was blindfolded and dressed in little else but a sack. She dragged her feet in protest. She must be new, Dean thought, to still have some fight left in her. The men threw her to the ground where she scrambled into a corner and started to shiver.
“Tie her up Dean,” Alastair instructed.
Bile rose up in Dean’s throat. He saw himself walking over but his body refused to budge.
“Oh, and Dean?” Alastair commented. “If I sense any hesitation or pity, I’ll ensure to walk you through the procedure step by step.” He paused. “With twice the force.”
Dean had no choice. He told himself he was doing this girl a favor. If Alastair had his way with her, it’d be much worse. He closed his eyes, turning it off once more. He walked over to the corner and grabbed your wrist, dragging you to the rack, drowning out your pleas for help. One by one, he secured each limb into the chain bearings before straightening up. He curled his fist.
Alastair spoke up, relaxed against the wall, watching what was to become his protégé. “I want you to see her eyes.”
Dean gulped but did not disobey. He reached the top of the blindfold and pulled down to gaze upon the most beautiful and innocent eyes he had ever seen. Still filled with life. Sparkling like a pool of fresh-water drowning out the fire around him. And for a moment Dean had forgotten he was in hell.
“Please.” You begged. “There’s been a mistake. I don’t belong here. Help me.”
Dean closed his eyes and pinched his lips. Alastair’s patience was wavering and almost intervened until he noticed Dean’s fist tighten.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered so lowly you could barely read the words from his lips. Dean met your eyes again and loud enough for Alastair to hear, he resentfully grunted. “That’s what we all say.” Before striking a devastating blow to your ribs.
***
Months, years had passed. There was no way to tell. And the man you had known as Dean had grown harder, crueler, and more heartless. With each visit, the black void in his eyes grew. In the beginning, pain had been fast and swift. Resetting each day. But recently he favored the pain to be longer, more drawn out. He’d infect wounds, the intensity growing each passing day. Or the times he pretended to let you escape. You finally stopped trying after the seventh attempt. But by far the worst was when he got sick of your screams and let the starved rats finish the job. You hated the rats.
Holding onto whatever humanity you had left in you was just as painful. Your memory faltered. What you once remembered was almost all but lost. You mumbled to yourself while he was away or if you were permitted to rest, what you could see in your mind.
He came in with a single razor blade one session, interrupting your babbling. You quickly shut your mouth as he grabbed your chin, eyeing you with disgust.
“You know I hate it when your hair gets too long.” He spat at you before forcing your head down.
Your eyes teared as strings of hair landed by your bare feet. Each stroke was finished with the slice of the razor until blood began to cover the pieces of fallen hair. His hand left your body, and you heard the clink of the razor being set down.
You thought he had left, that was your mistake. You continued your pattern. Your mother’s name, your father’s name, your brother’s.
A fist came harshly against your jaw. You hung low from the blow, only being supported by the chains. You spit out a tooth and let the blood drain down your chin. He grabbed your entire face in the palm of his hand, forcing you to meet his eyes. Out of all your time in hell, you’d never seen such fire.
“Who told you to say that!?” He demanded.
Your brows furrowed, confused by what could he have meant.
His patience was thin. He grabbed hold of your ear, forcing your head to follow. If he had the strength, he might as well rip it off with his bare hands.
“Are you hard of hearing me, bitch? Answer me!” He let go.
“Nobody!” You screamed back.
He wasn’t satisfied. “Where the fuck did you get those names?”
You began to cry, fearing how he might use them against you. It was the only thing you had left. Another blow came to your cheek. You caved too easily but it was only a matter of time. Time that he had endless amounts of.
Your lips trembled as you spoke their names. “My mother… Mary. My father… John.” You wailed. “And my little brother Sam.” You choked. He was speechless. “Do you have family Dean? Do you remember your family? My Sammy. My little Sam. When I last saw him, I tried to cut his hair… he always wore it too long… Just like you think of me.”
He shook his head. “Liar!”
“I swear! What else do I have to lose?” You pitifully reasoned.
He went to the wall of tools. “You have no idea…” He muttered, picking up a golden fish hook and securing black wire to the loop at the end.
"Dean please!" You pleaded. "I see it in your eyes, you're not one of them yet. You have to fight back! What would you tell your family if they saw you now? Who was your family Dean? Remember!"
His jaw was strained, clenching his teeth so hard you could almost hear them crack. He refused to answer you. He grabbed your bottom lip, pulling it outward and it became apparent what he was about to do.
You pulled against your restraints. "Dean. Please. No. I'm sorry! Please! I won’t speak again."
"This'll teach you about lies." He muttered piercing your bottom lip, numb to your cries, and pulled the string through, repeating the stitching fashion.
***Present day***
You had waited so long for your revenge. Put up with more than he could begin to imagine. Climbing the ranks. Clawing your way out. And finally, his throat was in your hands.
“Sam.” He gasped, calling for his brother, unbeknownst to you.
“How dare you say that name to me!” You spat as if he was trying to find your humanity that had long since burned away.
“Y/N.” He said, clawing at your grip. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I didn’t deserve this!” You shrieked back. Your free hand went to the sky, nails sharpened like razor claws ready to attack.
“None of us did.” He whispered.
You shook your head, faltering. He looked nothing now like the monster you had known.
Cold metal slapped down hard against your wrist. You twisted to meet your attacker.
“Sam, no!” Dean yelled.
He stopped with the angel blade, raised ready to strike. Sam looked to Dean in confusion. Dean scrambled up from underneath you. Sam instead pinned you against the car. You attempted to disapparate but were stuck inside the flesh. You tried, again and again with no use, screaming in frustration. Sam locked your other hand in place and from the corner of your eye, you saw Dean appearing with a black bag.
You squirmed underneath Sam’s frame but whatever magic they had used on you rendered you completely powerless.
Your world went black as fabric covered your eyes, but Dean’s voice rang in your ears. “I’m so sorry, I truly am.”
You’d not go so easily, but without your abilities, they overpowered you. You wrestled as both men grabbed you and placed you in the truck of the car. It smelled of black licorice and gunpowder. As if your world hadn’t been dark enough, the closing of the trunk threw you into total blackness. You screamed and twisted, kicking at the hood of the trunk. You could barely hear the creaks of the doors or the roar of the engine over your own howls.
Inside the cabin, Sam and Dean looked at each other, and then back to the trunk as the wails of profanity failed to cease.
“You bring earplugs?” Dean joshed at Sam, hoping to avoid any further interrogation.
“Mind filling me in?” Sam pressed.
Dean started down the open road, his destination now clearly laid before him. The bunker. He bit the side of his cheek before answering. “Call it... repenting of past sins.”
----
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