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#even worse then it was in the past because sometimes other characters acknowledge it as being silly and

lixiesfreckless · 3 months

Text

Deeper | l. m.

part one: Deep

➸ synopsis: you can't tell what's worse; the fact that you want him while you can't, or the fact that he obliges you even when he knows you don't deserve it.

➸ starring: lee minho x female reader

➸ word count: 1.7k

➸ general content: ex bf!minho, it gets worse!!!, nuclear waste would pull up to the toxic competition only to start crying when the reader arrives, angst angst angst hahahahaha literaly click off if you want a happy ending, morals are lost on these two, dirty talking, the only good thing here is that the sex was protected

➸ warnings: swearing, cheating, sexual content, degradation

➸ rating: 18+ MA

➸ author’s note: again, cheating is never okay. in no way am I trying to glamourize it, I just like writing stories about messed up characters sometimes. that being said...was I okay two years ago I feel like I need to interview my old self cause WHAT

♫ all mine- plaza

“We can’t keep doing this to him, you know.”

His fingers don’t relent their pace into you but the pleasurable feeling vanishes all the same, the release you so desperately need coming out in unsatisfying waves of heat between your legs. It’s almost as if he waited for that second to remind you of the horrible truth of this stolen moment on purpose.

In all honesty, you deserved it.

“I know.”

You sit ashamed on the counter as you watch him wash you off his hands, ridding his fingers of any trace of the love crimes he’s helped you commit.

Commit.

Another thing you can’t seem to do.

“I mean it should be simple at this point,” Minho laments, drying his hands on a dish towel, “break up with him.”

“It’s not that easy-”

“And playing with my feelings is easier?”

You stare at him in disbelief, unsure of how one should react to this inconveniently timed confession.

“What?” He scoffs, tossing the towel back onto the counter. “Did you really think that I could be intimate with you again and not fall in love?”

Short answer? No.

Long answer? You two had both fallen back in love with each other despite you being in a semi-serious relationship with Jeongin, and to make up for Jeongin’s lack of a presence in bed, you naturally(and wrongfully) went looking for something to fill it. But in doing so, your old ex seemed to fill that void —and many other things— quite perfectly.

Most people however, call that cheating.

“I mean come on, every time I see you I get my hopes up and think that maybe, just maybe, this will be the time that you want more than something physical from me,” he rants, tears stinging the corners of his eyes. The guilt settles on your chest with the gentleness of an elephant as you watch him lock eyes with you.

“Minho…it’s not like that-”

“Then what’s it like?” He almost yells, fighting to keep his voice down. He didn’t want to fight you; you two had fought enough as lovers in the past and he didn’t want to bring that back. “Why do you continue to break my heart then?”

You're scared of confrontation, Jeongin’s a really nice guy and doesn’t deserve this, you know Minho will come back to you courtesy of his masochistic heart…

Yeah. None of those were good excuses.

He steps closer to you.

“Don’t tell me it’s because you love him too…”

“I don’t,” you respond quickly, looking up at him, “Jeongin is great but…I don’t love him.”

“What do you need me for then?” He whispers, a bitter edge to his voice as he traps you between his arms against the counter. “If he’s so great then why do you need me?”

There is an obvious answer, but you know it’s not the full truth.

Need is such a funny word; most people use it in terms of things necessary for survival. Food. Clothing. Water. But in your case, you really think you might die if he stands this close to you for this long and it doesn’t end in you bent over this counter.

You’re absolutely horrible in the way that the need to have him inside you is jading your thoughts during a conversation like this.

Something darkens behind his irises as you stay quiet; perhaps it’s him acknowledging his insignificance in your life, or rather, the presence he has that is nowhere near where he wants it to be.

Both his assumptions are wrong of course, but you’re too caught up in your own head to hear the tch coming from his mouth.

“I should have known.”

Everything about that phrase is slightly off. Equal parts because he’s wrong and he doesn’t know it, and because it just doesn’t sound right. His voice was laced with heartbreak— you could tell that much —but it sounded mainly arrogant, almost egotistical. Almost as if he was proud as to how much his cock had literally and morally fucked you up.

But you don’t have time to ponder the implications of his voice tones; not once he spins you around and presses a hand flat against your back, effectively bending you over the counter, pulling a surprised gasp out of you.

Well, surprised in the sense that you didn’t expect it, not during this conversation.

And it truly is shameful how badly your body wants it, drowning out the screaming of your heart that’s telling you to stop, talk things out with him, you two do not need to get any deeper into this mess, but it’s no use, he’s already finding the drawstrings of your shorts and undoing them so he can undo you.

“This is all I am to you, right?” He practically spits as he yanks your shorts down, revealing the already soaked panties that he ruined just minutes before. You can tell that he’s angry, and it’s absolutely disgusting how your first thought is that he’s probably going to fuck you harder because of it.

Mad. He’s mad at you for cheating on someone so undeserving. For giving him so much false hope. For being so damn enticing that while he knows you don’t deserve it, he’s still going to give you what you want, because he wants it too. He’s a slave to desire all the same.

He’s mad at himself for not thinking he deserves better than this.

“Nothing more than someone to fill up your needy hole, is that it?”

You know you should say something, something to ease his pain and remedy this situation, but you subconsciously add selfish to your list of faults as you admit that deep down, you want to see where this goes.

His belt is already undone and your panties are halfway down your thighs, which are practically trembling with anticipation as you hear the metal of the zipper pull clink against the belt buckle. Minho is panting, but you know enough about him to decipher that the labored breathing isn’t from the red haze of anger.

“You want it this bad?” He grits out, and you assume from the latex sounds that you are just seconds away from having him inside you, and you are this close to begging him to go faster. But you won’t. You still have your dignity.

Or…whatever’s left of it.

He prods at your entrance with his gloved tip and if you were a little less sane, you’d be practically crying at the mere thought of being full again.

“Then you’re gonna take it all like the needy slut you are.”

To hell with dignity.

You’re blabbering random words and phrases, all related to wanting him to just fuck you already, and despite his miffed state he grants you your wish, steadying his hands on both of your hips to prepare himself for the plunge.

The mewl that comes out of your mouth is film-worthy, the stretch of his cock against your walls proving too much to keep your mouth shut as he pulls your hips closer together, bending over you slightly as he weakens as well. A few labored pants ensue, yours coming from adjusting and his, well— coming from your adjusting.

He regains his composure and straightens, holding one hand on your shoulder and the other on your hip, and then he suddenly pulls you flush against his pelvis sharply, pulling a pitched yelp from your lips. And this is where he loses it, because you’re too wet and warm and tight and infuriating and it takes him all of five seconds to draw back and push in again, this time with more force.

You cry out, wishing there was something on the counter you can hold on to, but another push and pull has you resorting to spreading your palms on the granite surface.

“Poor Jeongin,” he says, each word punctuated with a thrust, “he has no idea that his girl is bent over the counter like this.”

The pure sin of that thought has you reeling, choked moans falling out of your lips as he slams into you harder, probably because of your reaction.

“Practically begging for me to fill her, fuck,” he adds, with almost a sinister ring to it as the skin slapping noises fill the kitchen.

Nothing about this is ideal, but your walls beg to differ, clenching embarrassingly hard around him and giving away your physical state of arousal to your dismay. He clicks his tongue.

“Close already?” It’s an insult, you’re aware. And it feeds his ego, knowing that no one can make a mess of you this fast.

You don’t have to answer, because that would be stating the obvious, but you still sputter out “yes, p-please” as if it’s some sort of insurance for your impending release.

And when it crashes over you with the force of a tidal wave, he doesn’t stop, no; he keeps going, and your eyes sting with tears of overstimulation. He doesn’t even acknowledge your orgasm, which only makes a second one feel not so far away.

Suppose this is what he feels like when you chase your highs through means of his ministrations.

Used.

You feel the familiar twitching of his cock inside you, but before you can think to rub your clit to get you there faster, he’s already filling the latex up with warmth, hips slowing their movements as he tries to catch his breath.

The post-orgasmic haze feels more like a heavy fog as it settles on the both of you, Minho pulling out before he softens too much and you whimper; whether it was at the loss of him or because of the cold air, you don’t know.

The silence that follows is deafening.

There’s so much to say and at the same time, you both have nothing to say to each other. You’re torn between explaining your actions and just leaving it for another time, and he can’t decide if he’ll ever be back if he walks out your door.

A mess doesn’t even begin to describe what you two are.

“I’m sorry,” you finally decide on saying as you watch him put on his jacket. He stills, almost shaking with the restraint of not pettily saying for what? at the first real words you’ve spoken what seems to be all night. Because truthfully, there were about a million different things that you could apologize for.

But it takes two to tango. Specifically in your case, the devil’s tango.

So he settles on something much less damaging, and also equally necessary, and leaves it at that.

“Yeah. I’m sorry too.”

#skz #skz fanfiction #skz fanfic #skz fic #stray kids fanfiction #skz smut #stray kids fic #stray kids #stray kids fanfic #seventeen #lee minho smut #lee minho #skz lee know #skz lee minho #lee know #carina you asked for this #sorry to everyone that reads this

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respectthepetty · 4 months

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I don’t think Jin had to do anything worse than the other boys. Just turning his back on Non or not saving him would be enough of a betrayal since he seems to be the only one who cares about Non.

Anons, I'm gonna answer both your asks with one post because they are connected since, to me, Jin is the main character and White is the final gay, but first, remember this:

I'm watching the same show as y'all, so my Wild Ass Theories are based on vibes and vibes alone, but even though I don't believe in the supernatural aspect of it at all, the boys within the show do, which leads me to constantly question if the boys were willing to sacrifice one boy for all their dreams to come true when it seemed like all hope was lost for their futures?

In the past, the boys went out to shoot the film in episode six with Tee playing the killer, and Non being a victim.

I think there are two killers (Phi and Tan) in the present because there were two killers in the past, Non and Tee.

Yet, in episode six, we only saw Tee as the killer before everything blew up and the boys were called into the police station, but Por was determined to continue filming.

They may have filmed a lot more than what we saw, and we'll get even more flashbacks of that, but I think they hadn't filmed anything else, and what footage we know exists is filmed AFTER this entire police incident.

These boys were already vicious to Non before that, so am I supposed to believe they went back out to that forest with Non and the best intentions of finishing the film?

NO!

Episode two, 12:50-15:00. These boy did something even bigger to Non, and Every. Single. One. Of. Them. Was. Involved! Up until this point, we haven't seen Fluke or Jin actively do anything to Non, but at that table, every boy acknowledges they, collectively, did one really bad thing to him three years ago.

Jin cared the most about Non and he keeps insisting that Non isn't dead, just missing, while the others are convinced Non is dead, so if they had killed him, they would know he is dead, but if they deserted him out there in the forest as some sort of prank or wishful sacrifice, Non's whereabouts would be fuzzy.

Which finally brings me to the asks:

Jin has to be the one to convince Non that all is well for Non to go along with this second trip since he is the kindest one, and the one who convinced Non to work with them on this movie in the first place. Jin has to be an active participant in Non's downfall. He is the main character, and it demands he not be passive in his role .

And that would make sense why Phi and New, Non's brother, are out for blood, specifically Jin's.

We don't know if New is an older brother or a younger brother.

So if the brother is even present at this House of Horrors, it could be intelligent and kind White who is in computer engineering and dating Tee, or it could be asthmatic Tan.

Who needs to smoke to control himself and his nerves.

Both boys joined the group AFTER Non disappeared, so both could be the brother since Non's parents would likely bring their other son back home if his brother went missing, but since I think Tan is the second killer and therefore the brother, that leaves White . . . who I've mentioned wasn't supposed to be there.

Unlike Phi, who hasn't heard any of the noises or seen any of the figures, Tan thinks he saw something in the house, and White has seen a rash on his skin, heard a noise in the forest, and seems genuinely confused by everything that is happening like finding out his boyfriend's uncle is being convicted of money laundering, but he could be acting.

Which makes me doubt his adorable little face sometimes, but it's also why I think he will be the Final Gay.

He may be small but he is mighty and he has proven several times that he will survive by connecting the walkie-talkie, finding the gun and the cord to watch the footage, and by being kind and caring.

Which are the perfect characteristics for the lead role because the script needs a new main character once all the other characters are killed off, including the original main one.

Therefore, in my Wild Ass Theory, White has to be the Final Gay because once the current main character is dead,

he'll be the new main character.

In order to be the last man standing, a few sacrifices have to be made.

And the boys already proved that.

#dead friend forever #dead friend forever the series #wild theories for days #All I know is White is going to live #now I wait for Jin to be the worst #I know the rules #and you have to watch out for the kind ones

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oceanwithouthermoon · 6 months

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Talking about Saiki and SA here a bit, btw, just a warning~

Thinking about how you said Saiki was a victim of SA and you’re literally so right. I feel like people sometimes just blow right past the fact that Kusuke is like that with his brother, but I think it can add a lot to interpretations of his character. But even if it only goes as far as what is shown in canon — which I almost doubt — it still remains the fact that Kusuke is doing all of that knowing fully well that his brother can hear him. It’s literally sexual harassment.

People point it out more often with Teruhashi and her brother (back to the reasons you said, people think it’s more serious if it happens to women). But the things he does, that’s all sexual harassment. And yet when Kusuke does similar things, it’s often brushed aside. Just,,, a bit crazy to me.

(And that’s not even mentioning when people completely disregard this part of Teruhashi’s story and act like she’s one-dimensional,,, but that’s another story)

But all this to say you’re literally so right. Anyways love you mwah =^•w•^=

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I NEEDD PEOPLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS MORE.

(heed the sa warning + abuse and incest warning before opening, i talk a LOT here.. im mostly just reiterating what happens directly in the manga though.. ALSO EXTREMELY LONG POST WARNING..)

I always viewed kokomi and makoto + kusuo and kusuke as like.. paralleling each other ? not sure if thats the right word, but IMMEDIATELY when i saw both of these dynamics i made the connection.. i guess since it was so clear to me, i assumed that it was so obvious and on purpose that everyone else knew too, but so many people just.. ignore it..

i think most people that read/watch saiki k have recognized the fact that most main characters are meant to parallel or relate to saiki in at least some way, (if anyone who doesnt know what im talking about is reading this, im sure at least someone on here has done a better breakdown on that, i just.. dont know where to find that..) but this particular connection is one i dont see often and i genuinely believe that its almost entirely because of the whole "sexual assault/harassment isnt as serious when it happens to men as when it happens to women" thing.. most of the fandom acknowledge that what makoto does is awful and kokomi is a victim, so why is it different when its kusuke and kusuo ??

its EXACTLY the same.. what we see on screen with the saikis is WORSE, actually.. and what WE see from these two relationships isnt the full extent of what the two victims experience off screen, and i strongly believe that its heavily implied that both kokomi and kusuo have been through much worse with their brothers than whats shown..

we have no idea what kusuke couldve done BEFORE moving away and creating the telepathy canceler (and dont say that he couldnt have done anything cuz they were kids, cocsa [child on child sa] is still a thing and still valid, ESPECIALLY since they were both kid geniuses and kusuke definitely KNEW better.. but yea, kusuo implies that hes been like that for a long time, way before we ever saw them, sooo..) and its highly likely that whatever happened that we didnt see, before or after the move, was WORSE than what he does ON screen (i honestly dont want to think about what a guy with an incestual obsession with his brother does with cameras everywhere in his brothers home..) and what we see him do is already insane..

literally using his brother to get off, manipulating him and forcing him to play the games that give him sexual pleasure.. actually, speaking of, ive seen some people say that what kusuke does isnt really incest because the only reason he uses kusuo is because hes a masochist and kusuo is the only person that can overpower him.. this is a total misfire LOL, his upbringing alongside kusuo and his relationship with him is the REASON that hes a masochist, the ENTIRE REASON why thats what he gets off to.. its not just CONVENIENT that kusuo is there to get him off, he SPECIFICALLY seeks kusuo out and forces him to do things that give him sexual pleasure.. he believes that kusuo is the only person in the world that can ever give him sexual pleasure, what about that doesnt sound incestuous?

and one of the worst parts of it is, kusuo BARELY acknowledges how weird it is.. in fact, he's COMPLACENT in a lot of the games, obedient even, being bribed into them the same way he does with simple things like bringing kuniharu to work.. this is the biggest reason why i believe the off-screen stuff is probably worse, because kusuo is obviously conditioned to think that letting your brother get off to you is just.. fine.. we hardly see him try to get away from this situation beyond simply calling him gross.. theres one moment during the cat tank situation where kusuke tries to get him to grab the limiter off of his crotch specifically so that he can see him in that position and kusuo looks terrified and cant do it, BUT its unclear whether the expression of fear was entirely his concentration because he didnt wanna break the limiter or because he didnt want to let his brother get off to that, and i think its mostly the former ? idk, i dont remember this part that well but im preeeetty sure..

he does acknowledge that MAKOTOS behavior is bad when he sees it, but he never thinks its a big enough deal that he needs to help her or anything, (except for maybe the okinawa situation) which i know is probably just for the sake of not letting the gag manga get too serious, BUT it can also be explained pretty easily by this whole thing.. the way kokomi is treated is literally the same way kusuo lives his life, even down to their incestuous brother being possessive to the point of berating their potential love interests.. (which in this case happened to be each other, kusuo and kokomi..)

so yeah, kusuo just. doesnt really know how bad it actually is ? or maybe he does, but doesnt acknowledge it because he doesnt WANT to.. him barely acknowledging it and being complacent is part of why some people dont really get that its sa and incest, but his complacency obviously plays a big part in how its effected him too, like thats purposeful.. like i said, hes been CONDITIONED not to acknowledge it..

to me, it looks like a classic situation in which kusuo doesn't acknowledge his trauma because he knows that if he did, it would change his outlook on his life, his family, and his childhood FOREVER. he would never be willing to tell anyone or ask for help on his own accord, and accepting that there was anything wrong in the first place means, to him, dealing with that issue by himself for the rest of his life.

why would he ever admit that anything was wrong if nothing would change either way? the only thing that WOULD change is HIM, and why would he want that? isnt it better to be blissfully unaware than to knowingly suffer in silence?

plus, he genuinely does love his brother and knows in the back of his mind that kusukes feelings toward him comes from their unhealthy upbringing and relationship and its more complex than just "hes an evil guy blah blah.." because he isnt really evil and kusuo KNOWS that.. actually, he might be the only person in the world who COULD understand..

so yeahhhh.. kokomi and kusuo are both CANONICALLY victims of sexual harassment.. (and incestual abuse at that..) and, by my interpretation, implied victims of sa as well !! (im not really sure where the line can be when it comes to this sometimes, like when your brother sniffs your bedsheets and rubs himself on them or gets off to you right in front of your face or tries to get you to grab something positioned over his crotch so he can see you in.. THAT position.. but i already said that its pretty likely that both brothers have gone farther than that off-screen..)

anywayyyy.. this is so important to me and i wish people would talk and write about it more instead of pretending it never happened and mischaracterizing every one of these characters, especially for the sake of a ship like i was talking about in my other post.. it sucks that people so often just cast kusuos canon issues aside..

#i really wish this was talked about more..#i referenced a really old draft to write this that i never posted because i couldnt figure out the phrasing #so thank you for giving me the opportunity to finally talk about this in detail lol #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo #saiki kusuke #teruhashi kokomi #teruhashi makoto #sa tw #incest tw #abuse tw #meows post #meownalysis

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prideofcelestia · 2 years

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❝ replaced mc au ❞

« characters - demon brothers »

« gender neutral reader »

« pairing - platonic »

« notes - repost from my old blog so there's a chance you might have read it »

Nobody had replaced you. Not really. It was perhaps difficult to accept that the brothers had gotten busier. At the end of the day, you were only human and bitter feelings crept in even when you didn’t want those to. Anxiety and overthinking were the real demons you should have looked out for but that was no easy feat so you were left exhausted owing to the burden.

Rituals that had been running since you became friends with the brothers began to crumble while you felt left behind. When was the last time that their backs had seemed so far ahead, so out of reach?

Never.

Movie night with Mammon? He wanted to, but the new exchange student got into trouble again after they encountered a demon and ran away — which was a justifiable reason — only to lose their way. When Lucifer found them hours later, they were shaking like a leaf and refused to listen to him. Not knowing how to deal with it, he punished Mammon to relieve himself of the guilt of his incompetence. Now, you were talking to a strung up Mammon who couldn’t risk asking you for help. Your best man was looking out for you because Lucifer would be mad if you got involved in it, but his tsundere tendencies didn’t allow him to communicate properly. It felt like he was dismissing your help, that he would rather not be with you now that he had another ‘charge’ to take care of.

Gaming nights with Levi? The appearance of a new person and the tension in the air at H.O.L made the otaku shut himself up. He was under the impression that you would want to spend more time with a human than a yucky otaku demon who had quite literally attacked you. Who wouldn’t after all he had done? For you, it felt as if he preferred games to you even though he was trying to cope by playing the ones that reminded him of you.

Reading with Satan? Lucifer seemed extremely stressed these days due to the added workload and this demon was recruiting new members to the Anti Lucifer league to plan the annihilation of the Avatar of Pride. At long last, he would overthrow the tyrant! Hahahahahah. No, he wasn’t trying to get rid of you. His hyperfixations could be quite… scary and sometimes he forgot himself owing to his need to be acknowledged.

Spa sessions with Asmo? He had a shoot coming up! Sorry hon, but he needed a rain check. He intentionally didn't tell you how the first preference for the shoot was Mammon but because the Avatar of Greed already had other engagements, they hired Asmo. It stung and took a huge blow at his self confidence. So, he wanted to do some soul searching where he would try to remind himself that he's the best. MC, just wait for the shoot to finish. He would show you the results proudly and voice his complaints about Mammon! Waiting, however, felt like the only thing you were doing recently and that made you… distraught.

Beelzebub was supposed to be their new bodyguard because Mammon was incompetent. So, hanging out with him didn't seem like the best option. He would already be distracted by his hunger while having to keep an eye on the nervous exchange student to pay attention to you. Maybe it was better to live with the memories of being acknowledged than stay long enough to be forgotten and ignored? Your presence might make matters worse. So, you couldn’t fully enjoy sitting on his back while he did his exercise. Despite the skinship, there seemed to be a wide wall between the two of you.

Cuddle nights with Belphegor were a restless ordeal. He kept getting nightmares about what he had done to you in the past. It was unforgivable. A new defenceless human shouldn’t be allowed in his vicinity. His sleep was filled with horrors that he couldn’t put into words because you were in all of them. How was he supposed to admit it? The gap widened till he curled himself up in a little corner in the attic. It widened till you couldn’t bear to see him anymore.

After some contemplation, you concluded that you were not needed. Perhaps there wasn’t any reason for you to feel that way but you were scared of being abandoned, forgotten. Rational thoughts had deserted you.

So, you did what felt best.

You ran away from H.O.L. Maybe they wouldn’t notice since they seemed busy these days.

But they did notice.

Everyday, they waited for meal times so that they could enjoy your company. Despite their busy schedules, they had always made it a point to spend some time together while eating. Seeing your smiling face or talking to you about your problems seemed to make the brother's food taste better.

When you didn’t show up, even Beel felt his appetite wane as he followed his brothers to go search for you. Lucifer almost threw his D.D.D away in frustration when you wouldn’t pick up. Mammon was on the verge of tears. Leviathan tried contacting you on every social media account you had. Satan tried communicating with cats to ask if they had seen you after some of his helpful acquaintances were notified. Asmo frowned and had to be restrained before he declared on Devilgram that you had been kidnapped. He reasoned that his fans might help! Beel followed Lucifer’s orders and started contacting the Purgatory boys while Belphie looked alert and ready to take charge.

When they learned of your whereabouts, they rushed to the destination. Lucifer stayed back, waiting impatiently for Simeon to take care of the exchange student while nobody else was at H.O.L. He paced the room impatiently and contacted Beel every ten (in reality it was two) minutes, asking after you. Not a moment passed when his mind was free of you.

They were worried sick. All of them.

They needed to make sure that you were safe.

Lucifer might have been the last one to arrive but he was the first one to hug you. The others followed suit and held you close.

Tears were shed, vulnerable thoughts were let out, apologies were exchanged.

You didn’t know whose chest you cried on or whose hand reassuringly ran down your head. You only knew affection in the moment.

Lucifer whispered in your ear. It sounded like a faraway euphony of one who wasn’t used to proclaiming his feelings freely but it echoed in your mind with truth and love.

“MC, you can never replace family and that’s what you mean to us.”

The others grunted in unison and tightened the bear hug.

It was a vow.

You will always be remembered.

#obey me #obey me!#obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me x reader #obey me x mc #gender neutral reader #replaced mc au #replaced au #angst #gender neutral mc #shion script

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writingseaslugs · 1 year

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Scarabia: When They're Sick

Ugh so this one was kind of low key fun to write. I normally have a harder time writing for Scarabia, but thanks to a friend who ships their OC with Kalim it's been a lot more fun writing for him. Honestly all I need are friends who ship their characters with others so I can imagine their OC with said character and we're good to go. Anyway, enough with the rambles, please enjoy!

Disclaimer: All characters in this series are aged up. For more information about my version of this world and the type of reader you can expect, please click the “Au Information” below!

Request Information | Masterlist | Au Information

Scarabia: When They’re Sick

The Scalding Sands and Night Raven College couldn't be more different in terms of climate and plant life. While Scarabia’s dorm was a safe haven, the members still had to go to classes. Hayfever wasn’t an uncommon thing for the dorm members who came from the Scalding Sands to experience. The bad news about hayfever is that if you don’t properly take care of it, it isn’t uncommon for it to progressively get worse until you actually are sick. Sadly a few members had to learn this the hard way.

Kalim Al-Asim

Kalim is the last person to know that he’s sick, in all honesty. He can feel that he’s slowing down when he’s getting ill, but doesn’t think anything of it. He just assumes it’s nothing but allergies until he’s suddenly running a high fever and is put on bed rest by Jamil. Even while sick though, he’s still trying to get up and do things. He cannot sit still for long, so waiting in his room until he’s magically feeling better is a nightmare process for him.

The moment you offer to help him out, he’s thanking you and is over the top in gratuity. He might be five seconds from fainting due to the fever, but that won’t stop him from trying to hug you. Jamil is going to have to assist in carrying him back to his bed. The only reason you’re even allowed to help out is because Jamil knows that Kalim will listen to you if you tell him he needs to stay in bed. Kalim listens to Jamil sometimes, but when it comes to you, he becomes an obedient puppy who’s ready to please. You tell him to sit in his bed and rest and he will, as long as you promise not to leave.

Be prepared to have a very pouty boy on your hands the moment you tell him it’s time to take medicine. He doesn’t like the way it coats his mouth and leaves an aftertaste, so he’s not a fan. Of course he’ll take it if you ask him to, but he’s going to be staring at you with big eyes pleading for you to say “Never mind.” Don’t let him fool you, be stern and he’ll take it. He will be making grabby hands for some water after though, so make sure you have it on hand.

Let’s be real, Jamil is making all the meals no matter what. The boy could be on death’s door and he’d still make Kalim something to eat. So really meal times are just you sitting on the bed with Kalim with a large assortment of hand selected meals to help Kalim feel better, and Kalim telling you to open wide so he can feed you some. You’ll need to remind him that the food is for him and not you, but he swears up and down Jamil made so much that you guys can share. Just don’t use the same spoon as him if you don’t want to end up in his position.

Kalim recovers pretty fast from illnesses, so give him two days and he’s jumping off the walls again, ready to do anything. He’s going to be wanting to throw a party since he’s been so bored the past few days, and wants to dedicate it to you. Either turn him down nicely and insist perhaps after a while and he’s fully recovered you can, or just go with it. You might be needing to write an apology letter to Jamil for the party that will inevitably happen. Poor man just finished nursing Kalim to health alongside you, and is now being thrusted into making and hosting a party.

Jamil Viper

Jamil refuses to acknowledge that he’s sick and will try and pretend like he isn’t. He will have to be on the verge of collapsing in order for him to decide perhaps he does need to take a break. Even then, the stress of not being there for Kalim is going to make recovery a lot harder. He needs to relax, yet all he can do is stress himself out about Kalim possibly getting poisoned while he’s sick, and then news getting back to his family back home.

Jamil won’t be asking for help at all, so you’ll have to kind of force him to let you help out. He is grateful, of course, but he’s not used to being on the receiving end of this kind of transaction. He’ll still be trying to do everything himself and you’ll need to remind him several times that the only job he has right now is getting better. He trusts you though and will be able to rest easy after you assure him that you can help take care of Kalim and make sure the boy doesn’t somehow kill himself in the few days it takes for him to recover.

Jamil will take any medicine without complaint. He knows it’s needed to feel better, and anything that helps speed up the process is needed. The only thing is he’ll be a bit feverish and not remember what times he needs to take what, so that’s where you come in. You’ll basically be waking him up from his sleep with either pills and some water, or a small cup of liquid medication for him to take. This is all he really needs and he’s so thankful to have you keeping track for him.

He’s used to eating whatever he makes, so having someone cook for him is a pleasant change of pace. He honestly prefers simpler dishes when sick since he can’t taste all that well, so some chicken noodle soup is his favorite. Add a few spices if you want, but he probably won’t notice. He might ask you to make it again when he’s better so he can properly have something you make; take this as a huge compliment. He might even get a recipe from you if you make it differently than others in this world.

He’s getting right back to his routine the moment he’s better, but he will be sweeter to you. Giving you kinder smiles and a small thank you as well. He might even invite you over to have dinner with him sometime so he can take care of you for the evening as a thank you. He isn’t used to someone outside of his family really giving a damn when he’s sick. Sure Kalim tries, but there’s no way that Jamil could ask Kalim to take care of him, even if the boy really wants to.

#Twisted Wonderland #Twisted Wonderland x Reader #TWST #TWST x Reader #TWST Wonderland #Twisted Wonderland Disney #TWST Disney #Kalim Al-Asim #Kalim Al-Asim x Reader #Kalim x Reader #Jamil Viper #Jamil Viper x Reader #Jamil x Reader

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raelle-writing · 4 months

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The reality is that most kids would be either a Fluke or Jin. If nothing else it’s because they don’t also want to be bullied or ostracized by their friends. You can criticize the choices that Jin makes but realize that he is also a child that doesn’t yet have the maturity and wisdom of an adult. I see this group of teens and their treatment of Non as a cautionary tale. Obviously this is ultimately a horror/thriller so everything is heightened to the extreme. Therefore I don’t have an issue with the gore, mayhem and fantastical elements. But this type of bullying could and does happen in real life sometimes with devastating tragedies. So I do wish that people on social media were more careful of the terms they use and directly harassing your character is not a good look. Hurling insults behind a computer screen hurts just as much as doing it in person. (IMO) The fact that they are essentially bullying you is ironic considering what DFF is about.

There is a certain irony to watch the fandom turn into bullies in defense of the bullied character. I understand being defensive of the characters you like (I'm defensive of Jin in case you haven't noticed lol). But I understand why people don't like him. I've never justified all of his actions, but I do genuinely think people are too hard on him a lot of the time.

And I also wish all the Non defenders would have a bit of nuance about his character too because he's a victim, but that doesn't exempt him from hurting others. I'll never say he cheated because I beleive we shouldn't apply that word to a situation involving coercion and power imbalances. But Non does still get his friends arrested. And he does lie to and gaslight Phee. And those are okay things to acknowledge while still having sympathy for him as a character.

I agree with you. I think most people wouldn't even do as much as Jin tbh because while he doesn't do enough arguably, he does a lot as far as defending Non over and over and over (even up until after Non disappears he's still snapping at his friends to address Non by his name). And it's really hard to be that level of defiant to your peers constantly. It's waaaaaaay easier to be Fluke and look the other way and tell yourself that you're not involved then, even if you could stop it.

Everyone online seems to have a hero complex and think they'd do the Absolute Right Thing even when there's no clear right thing in certain situations, and then they demonize these teenagers for not doing those things. (I made a thread on Twitter talking about Jin lying to the police and police corruption in the DFF narrative and in Thailand in general, including linking to a bunch of Thai tweets that talk about that and I got people replying to me saying that they live in countries with police corruption but they still would've told the truth to the police even if they would've disappeared and I got a good laugh out of that. It's so easy to be the hero in your head in a hypothetical situation, but reality is a lot harder than that).

Yeah, I don't know why this particular fandom seems to be so caught up on "if you like a character that I view as morally bad then YOU are a bad person" especially considering the audience crossover to the KPTS fandom like. Were you mad at all of the mafia boys doing mafia things in KPTS becaussssssse that was worse than a lot of what's happening in DFF so far ahahahaha

Anyway, I'm not ever going to demand that everyone likes Jin. I don't particularly care of people like him or not as long as they're not coming after ME about it. I wish people were a little less... vitriolic about the mistakes of teenagers, though I understand why many people are so mad about it. I just can't get past the idea that these people were all kids when they made these mistakes, and it's hard to see even Por die because I have sympathy for them all. Did they fuck up? Duh. Do they deserve to die...? I have a hard time with that, but I'm trying to be mentally prepared ahahahaha

I also hope all the people out there who have decided Jin is the worst person ever and deserves to die are prepared for if that doesn't happen. Because there are a lot of threads in the narrative point pretty strongly to a future redemption for him IMO (tho of course they could go in another direction, anything is possible at this point). And I have a feeling that all those people who are calling me names on Twitter aren't going to handle it well if Jin get redeemed or like... lives in the end. I have a feeling they won't handle that well.

Anyway, thanks for the message 💕

#dead friend forever #dff the series #dff #pheejin #jin dff #phijin

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comikadraws · 23 days

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Thank you for your answer! It was very nice talking with you and I hope to talk to you again sometime! You're right, even if kishomoto fumbled on hia writing out of naivety, there's so much going on here and Konoha is ultimately a dumpster fire of a place, it's just as flawed and horrific as the other villages. I mean, sarutobi didn't even bother helping naruto or Sasuke or even adopting them. They both lived on their own in a small apartment and I'm starting to question how they get their money since they were no more than 12-13.

On another hand, it's so ridiculous that the villagers never apologized to naruto, choji, Lee or everyone else they bullied. They only started kissing naruto' feet when he started fighting for them and became hokage. Like a bunch of strangers have that much resentment on naruto over something he didn't cause.

I always find that Hiruzen is a hard character to talk about due to the disparity between his actions and the way the narrative presents him. He is painted as a kind-hearted, selfless, and honorable leader but ends up being negligent, enabling, and indifferent. He is not a bad person. But also, he is a bad person.

The villagers, to me, are a different story, however. They could be seen as opportunistic, of course, but generally speaking, I just consider them to be irrational - Which is a fairly realistic depiction for a population. They are scared of Naruto and traumatized by the ninetails attack at first but are forced to change their opinion of him once they owe their life to him. The majority of the population probably didn't even actually bully these characters at all. They were just indifferent. And indifference by itself is not a crime or immoral. It is simply just realistic.

I also would've preferred though if the story had actually dealt with those feelings and, again, acknowledged the wrongdoings of the past. But this is one of the lesser evils in this story to me.

Regarding Konoha, I wouldn't necessarily say that it is as bad as the other villages. Not just because Kiri is competing too (lol), but also because the story is very Konoha-centric. This is both good and bad when it comes to judging its politics because

Everything is shown from Konoha's perspective and allows us to feel more sympathy towards the struggles of Konoha citizens (in-group bias)

We spend enough time with Konoha to be actually given a deep-dive into its politics and become critical towards the system (availability bias).

On the surface level, Konoha definitely looks better than Kiri or Suna. The Hokage doesn't try to kill his own 5-year-old child and children are not forced to kill each other to become ninjas. But as soon as we were to actually take a closer look, Konoha might actually look better or worse compared to either.

#still not sure what to say about hiruzen other than 'he is a victim of the narrative'#but not because he is a victim or because the narrative harms him #but because the narrative is just so incredibly bad here #ask #naruto #anti-konoha #pro-konoha

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bg-brainrot · 3 months

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what are your thoughts on Larian walking away from BG3/BG4/DLCs?

What a great question!!

So, first to acknowledge my own feelings as a gamer, as a fan of BG3, of the franchise, and, of course, of Astarion : I'm naturally a bit bummed. I would love to play more, read more, watch something, anything really.

Added to that, I also don't trust an outside team to come in to pick up the vision of the original team. I've seen it happen with other games, where the base game was one studio and the DLC was outsourced or they onboarded a new studio to take on it on as the main development team moved on to the next big project. It rarely, if ever, has worked out well.

My hope on the Hasbro/WotC side is that they leave BG3 alone to live on as a behemoth in the history of gaming... however, knowing how game publishers are, how much money BG3 made, the player interest in more content, etc -- there is no way that Hasbro is leaving money like that to the wayside.

Best case scenario I see on this side: they make auxiliary content, like books, toys, comics.

Worst case scenario: they outsource a new game team for DLC.

As for BG4, I honestly didn't expect that to be Larian's next project anyway (I was expecting Divinity 3, so feeling a different disappointment there haha). That being said, I don't think WotC or Hasbro know (and I mean this at the executive level of course) why BG3 did well. There are honestly a ton of factors on why BG3 did well, but that's for another post lol, but I don't think they could replicate that for BG4 with another studio. Doesn't mean I don't think it will be good-- it might be! It will just be very different.

Best case scenario here: they have a good studio make BG4 and it's still good, but it's different.

Worse case scenario here: they try to have a studio replicate what Larian did instead of tapping into their talents, and end up with a buggy, unfun mess. Also they bring back characters just to try to get people to buy it. 🥲

Now, as a game dev, what do I think of Larian's choice in all of this?

I LOVE IT. Wow, Swen Vincke is doing what every single developer wishes they could do if they actually had the power, money, and the influence to do it.

I have wished in the past for my studios to abandon projects, but sometimes it really was necessary to try to keep the studio afloat. As much as you want to work on a passion project, very rarely is it actually something that will keep the lights on. Oftentimes you will have to make that deal with Hasbro for a license or that deal with Epic for exclusivity just to recoup costs. Making games is expensive and, if you want to make anything at the scale that BG3 is, you usually need a lot of partnerships (a lot of their GDC talks were part of partnerships, like Dolby, Amazon, Adobe).

So the fact that they had such a success with BG3 to actually, comfortably follow their creative passions? Wow, wow, wow-- I am rooting for them so hard. I want them to make exactly the game they want and take all the time they need to do it.

Now, even knowing that Hasbro had something to do with this, was what he said about the developers not feeling passionate about the DLC true? Yeah, probably.

I've never seen something kill creative passion more (even if it's for a franchise you like or a game you've loved working on) than a directive from the top for something that's clearly just meant to make people above you more money. And with each partnership comes approvals, comes red tape, comes stakeholders that want to dictate what's in the game (oftentimes to the detriment of the game)-- and the game team can't even object because it's not their license or their brand.

The fact that Larian can say, 'screw that, I don't need more money from you' is truly such an anomaly in gaming. I am so very in awe of them as a developer-- it feels like someone breaking free of the system and paving the way forward for the rest of us. So whatever they do next, I will be there to support them.

BG3 is their most successful game so far, and I'm hopeful they will continue to push those boundaries. They've proven with each release that the core of their studio remains the same: immersive/massive RPG experiences, community-feedback focused improvements, and a well-balanced studio.

The tldr for all of this: I've loved Larian's choices so far and, while I'm bummed as a player, as a game dev I can't wait to see where this one takes them!

#cosmicchocomuffin #ask #bg3 #larian #ty again for such a good question!!!#i love larian and their choices as a studio #i know people can and should be critical of some things they do #but i cannot stress enough how phenomenal it is to see a studio like them succeed

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antianakin · 1 year

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Just saw a comparison between Sabine/Ezra and Obitine as ships and like. There are quite literally zero similarities between these ships besides the male character in the ship being a Jedi and the female character in the ship being a Mandalorian.

Sabine and Satine, despite the unfortunate similarity in their names, are nowhere near even being similar characters. Sabine, obviously, is very much not a pacifist. Sabine also appears to actually be competent at the things the show tells us she is competent at, recognizes when she probably shouldn't be a leader because she just doesn't have the qualifications for it, and is allowed to have flaws that she can grow past. Satine manages to be completely and insanely incompetent at everything the show says she is very good at, is a leader despite seeming to be pretty shit at it, and never has any of her flaws acknowledged so they come across less as intentional flaws to make her more nuanced and more like just horrifically bad writing and she never gets to grow at all.

Obi-Wan and Ezra DO have more similarities, primarily because both of them follow the same general code with similar values and priorities due to Ezra having learned from Kanan who is passing on the same values Obi-Wan would have grown up with.

But Ezra's dynamic with Sabine is so wildly different from Obi-Wan's with Satine that it isn't even funny.

Obi-Wan and Satine have zero chemistry, all they do is take pot shots at each other mean-spiritedly and never end up being able to understand each other when they're not facing a life or death situation. What little romance they manage to have in their scenes is melodramatic and generally inappropriate to the situation they are in and they're never both invested in the romance at the same time (for example, Satine tries to have this big moment with a romantic confession that Obi-Wan actively tries to argue her out of because holy hell is this not the time for it). They also seem to just actively make each other worse. Satine seems to have far more understanding and tolerance towards Padme's views and priorities than she ever does towards Obi-Wan's, despite Padme and Obi-Wan having similar positions. Obi-Wan gets incredibly unprofessional in front of a lot of important political people just to argue with Satine and gets nearly misogynistic towards her.

By comparison, Ezra and Sabine, whether you view them romantically or not, actively make each other better. Yes, they tease each other. Yes, they sometimes disagree and argue. But there's never that feeling that they just don't like each other or can't truly understand the other person's feelings and are unwilling to even try. They always come back to talk things out and work to be better with each other afterwards. Both are allowed to be wrong and have to admit to as much. They never truly have any big romantic moments with each other since most of the "romance" that's more explicit exists in earlier seasons with Ezra being very awkward around Sabine and Sabine gently rebuffing or ignoring him when that happens, but they have big emotional moments together where they seem so in sync with each other and completely on the same page. Again, regardless of whether you view that as romantic or not, it's undeniable that Ezra and Sabine have a very strong, deep connection to each other that allows them to work as a really good team.

Comparing Ezra and Sabine as a ship to Obitine is really the most skin deep of comparisons you could possibly make. Obitine make each other SO miserable if they have to spend more than about 10 minutes together. Ezra and Sabine are family who chose each other, in whatever way you choose to view that. They make each other happy, they make each other better, they understand each other so deeply and respect each other's values and priorities even if they aren't the same.

#ezra bridger #sabine wren #ezra x sabine #star wars #star wars rebels #swr #anti satine #obitine critical #anti obitine #anti satine kryze #satine critical #satine kryze critical

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skzhocomments · 2 months

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The Five Stages of Grief - Bang Chan Oneshot Fanfic

(And a second cover because I couldn't decide)

General Masterlist

Pairing: Bang Chan (Stray Kids) x OC/Reader (Story is written in 2nd person, no name is mentioned)

Genre: angst

Word Count: ~10k

Warnings: death, devastatingly sad, mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts. No comfort, although it does end in a positive note. Ending is hopeful if you squint.

This is just a story that doesn’t describe Bang Chan or other mentioned Stray Kids’ members true characters in any way. It’s just a product of my imagination and should be treated as such.

This story is also on Wattpad (click here) and AO3 (click here)

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A/N: As any other writer out there, I would appreciate reblogs and your comments on this story. Please let me know if you enjoyed it, and most importantly, have fun!

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The Five Stages of Grief

---

“Hey Channie!” You entered his studio with a smile plastered on your face, that soon enough turned into a frown when you noticed your boyfriend of almost 5 years hasn’t even acknowledged your presence.

He tended to do that a lot, especially when working on new comebacks. His whole focus was on that damn computer which you were sure by now was your life-sworn enemy. It’s hard having to compete with a screen to get your boyfriend’s attention, but such was life sometimes, and there was nothing you could do about it.

You knew the risks that came with dating an idol, you just didn’t know how much worse it could be if you were to date a workaholic, perfectionist idol.

This was Chan.

He spent hours and hours and hours cramped in his small studio, perfecting beats, arranging vocals, switching up different rhythms and trying to figure out what could work out and have the most success between his fans.

“Have you eaten?” You asked, kissing his cheek, and only then did he notice you’re there, and pulled out his headphones.

“Oh, hi. Didn’t see you come in.” Was all he said, his face scrunched in concentration. “Did you say something?”

“Just asked if you’ve had dinner yet.”

He must’ve, right? It was well past 11 pm, but one of his bad habits was working himself to death, and more often than not, he would skip meal times entirely simply because he wasn’t good at keeping track of time.

“I had a protein bar earlier.” He shrugged.

“Want me to order you something? Or even better, why don’t we both head home?” You asked with a smile, trying to be convincing enough for your boyfriend.

It usually worked.

He would normally laugh off your attempts to be nice and realise that you’re just trying to take care of him, and he would comply and go home with you for the night, then resume his work the next day.

Once you’d be home, he would crash immediately, proof of how tired he’d been and how much he’d ignored his body’s needs. His sheer determination was scary.

However, none of this happened tonight. He rolled his eyes and muttered a small “There she goes again.”

You played it off, though, realising he probably didn’t mean for you to hear that. Brave on his part, you thought, in such a small quiet studio.

“What is that supposed to mean?” You asked, your tone still friendly, as if you were joking with him.

What you didn’t expect was for him to turn his whole chair towards you, his expression angrier than you’ve ever seen him.

“You heard me. God, it’s so frustrating having you come here all the time bossing me around. Eat! Sleep! Stop working! Can’t you see I’m busy?!” He ranted, pointing towards his computer screen.

“Wow, sorry, Mr. Busy.” You chuckled, despite being slightly angry with his words.

He doesn’t mean them. You told yourself. This is another one of his bad habits: bursting out and speaking cruel words whenever he’s extremely stressed and has tight deadlines. It hadn’t happened often, only a handful of times in your years long relationship, but it hurt nonetheless whenever it did.

“And there you go mocking me.” He rolled his eyes at you. “It’s like you don’t even care about the work I’m doing.”

“It’s not that, Chan. You know how much I value your work, it’s just-”

“Yeah, bullshit.” He laughs. “If you would, you’d stop barging in here demanding things from me when you know I have stuff to do.”

“Hey, I know you had a tough couple of days with the comeback and all, but there’s no need for you to take it out on my like this.” You crossed your arms in front of your chest, this time feeling genuinely upset. It’s like he’s escalating it on purpose.

“No, it’s not just a tough couple of days. Don’t you get it? You do this shit all the time, and I’m frankly sick and tired of it. Can’t you just leave me be for once and stop being so controlling?”

“Controlling?” You asked, baffled. “How am I controlling, huh? By making sure you eat and sleep when you’re supposed to?”

“How do you even know what I’m supposed to do?! You always think you know best, but you never fucking consider any of my needs and wants.”

“Literally everything I do is fucking consider your needs, Chan.” You answered coldly.

“No. You’re just too deep in your head and can’t fucking figure out when to back down, so I’m telling you. Stop telling me what to do and leave me alone if I’m busy. God, I don’t need this shit.”

He mumbled the last sentence and put his headphones back in, turning his attention back to the screen.

Maybe you shouldn’t have done what you did next, but he hurt you, and you didn’t like the way your conversation apparently ended. You wanted to know what he meant, so you grabbed his headphones’ wire and pulled them out of his ears forcefully.

The way he turned to you and the look he threw you almost made your blood freeze, but you were far too upset to care about upsetting him anymore.

“What exactly don’t you need, huh? What is this shit, exactly?!” You gestured with your hands.

“You can’t fucking let it go, can you?” He laughed in a baffled way.

“No, unless you tell me what this shit is.”

“This. Us. Everything. I’m really fucking done with how overbearing you’re being. I was doing fine before I met you, and I sure as hell do just fine without you over my head every fucking minute of the day.”

“Oh, is that so?” You asked, expressionless.

He hurt you, but by his anger still present on his features, you realised it’s all pointless. You’re not going to see eye to eye tonight.

“Do you want to break up?” You let out, the words burning your tongue, and Chan’s eyes widen.

“What? No! Fuck, you twist my words.” He sighs, exasperated. “Just leave. Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”

When he doesn’t say anything else, you let out a shaky breath and watch him put his headphones back in.

“Oh, and this?” He starts, pointing to one end of the headphones. “Never do this shit again.”

You watch silently how he turns his chair to look back at the damn screen, without caring that you’re still there in the room.

The discussion is over.

“I see. Fine. I’ll go.” You let out, tears beginning to spill down your cheeks. He didn’t see them, and it felt like he didn’t even care that he’s made you cry.

You quietly made your way out of the room, your sight too blurry to see anything, and you headed home.

---

Denial

---

Chan’s eyes are beginning to sting painfully, and after rubbing them and checking the time, he figures out why.

It’s way over 5 AM when he decides to finally leave the studio, and although it’s still dark out, the streets are already starting to get filled with people hurrying to whatever painful morning shift they are scheduled for.

It takes him about 20 minutes to get back to your shared apartment, and when he does, nothing seems unusual at first.

The house is expectedly quiet, it being so early in the morning, and he already imagines how deep in sleep you must be by now.

He feels guilty for how he treated you, that he let the anger consume him once again, and he regrets it. He always regrets it when he lets stress get the better of him.

As he heads towards the bathroom to wash the harsh day off his skin, he starts thinking about how he could make it up to you. Should he buy you flowers and bring you breakfast in bed in 4 hours when you’ll most likely get up?

Although he hasn’t slept at all.

Should he take you out on a date after he’s well rested? There was this restaurant you mentioned a couple of times that you wanted to try, but he didn’t have enough time to take you there to eat yet, not with all the planned comebacks and the work that keeps piling up.

Maybe tomorrow is finally the day.

He finishes his shower and rubs his eyes again, and God, how tired he is, just as usual when he pulls out all-nighters. Everything seems ordinary, but as he opens the bedroom door, however, something is unusual.

You are not there.

Confused, he takes out his phone to check for any messages you might’ve sent him, but upon noticing there’s no new notifications, he throws the phone on the bed, screen down, defeated.

Did you really think he wants to break up? Did you finally have enough and left him?

He knows he treated you badly tonight, but he thought it’s just a small drop in an ocean of happiness. Arguments are unavoidable, unfortunately, and he can’t always be the perfectly composed man he’s striving to become.

Would you really leave after a couple of cruel words he didn’t even mean? He starts asking himself as he gets into bed. Surely you know how much he loves and needs you there for him. It was just a bad night, that’s all.

Maybe you just wanted some space, and decided to head to a friend, or to a hotel or something.

He thinks about calling you, but with how late it is – or rather, how early – he knows he’d just disturb you or any of your friends you would’ve gone to if he were to call.

He decides to go to sleep instead and figure it all out tomorrow morning, when his mind is clearer, and when you’ve both had enough time to cool down.

His head is pounding with pain as he opens his eyes and feels multiple pulsations against all sides of his skull.

This is the worst migraine he’s ever had, and he realises how right you were when trying to convince him to go to sleep early. He really needed more sleep.

He grabs his phone to check the time, and when he does, he sees it’s flooding with notifications. His manager called him about a dozen times, starting at 8 AM and continuing up until 15 minutes ago, and he has multiple missed calls and messages from all the members.

Ugh, it’s only 10.

Did I have a schedule I’ve forgotten about? He wonders, rubbing his eyes confused, but checking the date, he knows it’s his day off.

He decides to head to the bathroom and freshen up, while picking up his phone and dialling his manager’s number.

He reaches the bathroom and puts toothpaste on his brush, and by the time the phone rang two times, his manager picks up.

“Chan! Where are you?” He asks, his voice hurried. “Why haven’t you picked up?”

He begins lazily brushing his teeth and checks the date again, and sure enough, it’s his free day. There’s nothing in his schedule.

“Huh? What do you mean?” He asks, his voice still ridden with sleep, still tired from the lack of rest. “It’s my day off.”

“Are you at home?”

“Yes. Where else?”

“Good. That’s… okay. Have you talked to anyone yet?”

“No…? You’re acting weird. What’s going on?”

“Listen, Chan. Something… something bad happened. I need you to sit down for a moment, okay?”

“Okay...?” Chan nods absent-mindedly, continuing to brush his teeth, oblivious about what’s coming.

“Last night… God, I don’t even know how to break this to you, so I’ll just say it. Do note that the company will do its best to assist you and-”

“Cut to the chase. What’s wrong?” Chris asks, starting to get worried. He finishes brushing his teeth, and just as he prepares to put the toothbrush down, his manager’s next words make him drop it to the floor instead.

“Your girlfriend passed away last night. She was hit by a drunk driver on a crosswalk, and although an ambulance got there in less than 2 minutes, she was already… I’m sorry.”

The line falls silent as Chan tries to process what his manager just said. The only sound in the room is made by the toothbrush hitting the bathroom’s white floor tiles.

Chan heard wrong. There’s no other explanation.

“That can’t be.” He dismisses his manager completely. “She was just with me in the studio last night, and then she came-”

Home. But you weren’t home.

“She must’ve gone to a hotel or something.”

“Chan… I’m truly, truly sorry. As I said, we’re going to support you through this tough time with everything we’ve got.”

What tough time? Chan wants to ask but stays silent instead.

He picks the discarded toothbrush from the floor and throws it away. How careless he’s been, dropping it.

He wants to chuckle at his stupidity, and he can’t wait to tell you about it. You’re going to nag him again for being careless and dropping things. This is the 3rd toothbrush he’s changing this month.

“Oh, God! Again?” He can already picture you with an amused expression on your face, your arms crossed. “You’re always dropping stuff on the floor!”

The thought brings the ghost of a smile on his face, and he starts wondering again where you might be. Surely your manager is mistaken.

“Her parents tried getting in touch with you, but they said you didn’t pick up. You should give them a call.” His manager continues to say. “From what they’ve told us, the funeral will be held tomorrow morning. JYPE offered to pay for all expenses. Anyways, this must be too much information to swallow for now, so I’ll come pick you up in 20 minutes and we can go to the company together. The rest of the boys are already here.”

“Okay, see you in 20 minutes.” Chan replies, not really understanding what’s happening.

He ignores the countless missed calls and messages and opens his call history to dial your number instead.

It goes straight to voice mail.

“Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?”You chuckled, asking him with an unsure look on your face.

“Yes. The beep-”

“Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!” You cheerfully said, ending the recording with a small laugh.

“Are you going to keep it like that?” He asked amused.

“Why not? It’s straight to the point!”

“You left my voice in it, though.”

“Oh, does it bother you? I can record again if you want me to.”

“No, no need. I just – isn’t it a bit weird?” He chuckled. “You even forgot to say your name.”

“Whatever.” You waved a dismissive hand in the air. “If they called my number, they know who they’re calling.”

“Fair enough.” He laughed.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

He chuckles absent-mindedly at the memory of him teaching you how to record a message redirecting your callers to leave a voice mail. You’ve never been good at technology.

“Hi, babe. Can you please call me? I need to talk to you.” He says, deciding to leave a message, even though he isn’t convinced that you’ll get to hear it. You usually forget to check your voice mail.

He tries calling again, just for good measure.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?’

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for-‘

And again.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly’?

Yes. The beep-‘

And again.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?’

Yes.’

‘Hello! You’ve called…’

‘Hello!’

He throws his phone on the bed exasperated. Why aren’t you picking up?

You didn’t even come home last night, why is your phone turned off?

Do you want to somehow punish him for being cruel and make him worry?

He shakes his head confused and begins changing his clothes from the comfortable pyjamas to an appropriate enough outfit to go to the company.

It should be a crime to have to go so early in the morning anywhere on your day off.

When he’s done and he looks somewhat presentable, he picks his phone back up and dials your number again.

‘Hello! You’ve called-’

He cancels the call just when he hears a knock on his door, and opening it, his manager is looking at him sombrely.

“Hi.” Chris speaks first, but his manager doesn’t say anything. He just pulls him into a hug that lasts way too long, Chan thinks.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.” He finally says after pulling away.

Chan doesn’t know what to reply, so he opts to just stay silent. His manager’s words don’t register in his head anyway; maybe he’s still tired.

He did go to sleep way too late.

They head to the car, and although the ride to the company only lasts 20 minutes or so, the 20 minutes feel like an eternity.

It’s just as his manager said, and everyone else is already at the company. When he sees the boys, they come rushing to him, their faces tear-stained and their clothes black.

“Oh, Chris…” Felix hugs him tightly and starts crying, and Chan starts comforting him by patting his back a few times.

A few tears escape past his eyes as well by seeing all the boys so gloomy, but he still doesn’t seem to be able to wrap his hand around it.

“Her parents said the wake is taking place at their house, so that’s where we’re headed now. I thought it’s better for you to not go alone.” His manager blurts out.

Chris looks dejected for a few seconds, before taking out his phone again and dialling the familiar number. This time, he types it himself. He knows it by heart.

With a shaky hand, he puts it against his ear and waits to connect.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

It makes no sense.

You couldn’t possibly… have died.

You are so young. You have so many plans and so many things you still want to do.

He is supposed to apologize to you and pamper you the whole day just to make up to you for being an asshole last night. He is supposed to take you to that restaurant you’ve been bugging him about for weeks.

You can’t possibly be gone, just like that.

Your parents embrace Chris as soon as he steps through the door. They’re sobbing loudly, and there are so many people present – some, he recognises: old friends from middle school you’ve shown him pictures of, some other colleagues from university, some coworkers he had the pleasure of meeting at the last Christmas party held by your company, a few family members…

There are also many people he doesn’t recognise; people your age, and Chan gets reminded once again of how young you are, with your whole life ahead.

He shakes his head once he notices a coffin on the large table in your parents’ living room; the same table you’ve both ate at just two weeks ago when you’ve last visited.

“My baby, Chris is here to see you.” Your mother cries, approaching the coffin and pulling his hand to guide him towards it as well.

It’s closed shut, and on top of it, your picture stares at him with a happy smile. You are so beautiful; he’s always loved this picture of yours. He’s the one who took it, just after you’ve graduated Uni and he handed you a big bouquet of your favourite flowers, rose peonies. You said your eyes wrinkled in a weird way, and never liked it, but he absolutely adored it. It’s been his wall screen ever since.

The coffin is made of dark polished mahogany, and its lid is adorned with golden handles.

You can’t possibly be in there.

Although beautiful, how could such a small coffin hold the large essence of your soul?

It makes no sense whatsoever.

Your parents’ cries seem real enough, though.

He touches the top of the coffin and wonders why it’s closed. Why would it be closed, when you are so gorgeous? People should see you, not a simple picture.

He decides it must be because you’re simply not in it. Or if you are hiding in there, maybe it’s all a joke and you’re going to open it from the inside and yell Surprise!, shocking everyone in the room and making your mother faint. It’s something you’d do.

So, he waits.

He waits, and waits, and waits, and his feet grow tired and his back starts aching after so many hours on his feet. People come and go, paying respects, patting his shoulders and trying to make some small talk, talking about you in past tense.

“She was such a wonderful person.”

“She was so full of life.”

“Her laugh was so intoxicating.”

“Her work ethic was admirable.”

“She was so smart.”

He listens and nods to each of their words. They are right. You are a smart, wonderful person, you are full of life, your laugh is the best thing he’s ever heard. He’s wished more often than not to record it and put it in one of his tracks, but every time he’d mentioned it, you called him silly.

By the time your father brings him a chair and places it next to the coffin so he can sit down instead of standing, it’s already night out.

“You should get some rest, Chris. I’ll stay with her.” He tells him, placing his strong hand on Chan’s shoulder as to attract his attention, but Chan just shakes his head.

How could he go sleep when you might decide any time to wake up?

Would you panic, with the lid closed and all? You’ve always been claustrophobic. Why is it closed, anyway?

It’s already morning when one of your relatives approaches Chris and urges him to get out of the living room to change his clothes.

They’ve brought him a white suit at the request of your father; wedding attire, since you didn’t get the chance to get married before you passed.

He is reluctant to put on the white pants and uncomfortable suit jacket, but he does it anyway. Your mother cries when she sees him, and your father pats his shoulder and thanks him for doing this.

The priest comes, and a lot of your friends visit your home again, to lead you on your last journey, apparently.

It takes the priest about half an hour to finish praying for your soul, and then your coffin is loaded in the back of a hearse. The car moves slow enough for everyone to be able to follow, and Chris is walking right behind it, next to your parents. Felix is behind him with Lee Know and Changbin, and the rest of the boys are somewhere far back. He sticks out like a sore thumb, dressed in all white while everyone else is wearing black.

Each time the car passes next to important places in your life, the hearse stops and people throw coins on the ground. They pass by your kindergarten and your old school, and with each step, your mother cries harder. Your father tries his best to stay composed, but even he bursts into tears when your mother starts talking about your life and what a happy kid you were.

Chris doesn’t shed a tear. He follows the hearse blindly, and when it reaches the cemetery, he watches as his members take out the coffin and place it on the ground next to a large, freshly dug hole.

The priest begins a final prayer, and soon enough, he watches how the coffin disappears inside the hole. People start throwing soil and flowers. He doesn’t know how a couple of roses get in his hands, but he begins throwing them one by one on top of the coffin that keeps getting lowered down.

You’ve never liked roses that much. You like peonies. Why did someone hand him roses?

There is also some music – hymns, or the sorts. Something you wouldn’t like. He doesn’t like it either.

A few moments later, some people begin covering the coffin in dirt, and he watches the scene expressionless. It gets covered fairly quickly. People start crying even harder, and his ears start ringing.

He feels sick to his stomach, so he decides to take a few steps back as soon as the whole gets filled to the brim with the freshly dug soil.

“I can’t believe she’s truly gone. She was so young!” He hears a woman say from somewhere behind him. He doesn’t bother turning his head to check if he knows her or not.

“Right? We were talking just yesterday morning at work about going shopping this weekend.” Another woman replies in a quiet tone.

“They didn’t even open the casket.”

“How could they? Didn’t you hear how she passed?”

“No! What even happened?”

“She was apparently crossing the road and a car came out of nowhere, hitting her with more than 200 km/h. It threw her like 30 metres in the air.”

“Oh my God! I heard it was a car accident, but this…”

“Yeah! It’s insane. There was barely anything left of her… only shattered bones and flesh, nothing resembling a human.”

“Shh, what if someone hears you say that?!” The other woman tried to silence the first one.

After hearing these details, Chris feels even sicker.

He wants to throw up.

“Son, we are going to the reception now. Do you want to come with us in our car?” Your father approaches him, and Chris simply nods.

He hugs him for a few seconds, and then they wait for your mother to come, and the ride to the restaurant is filled with her sobs while your father and Chan remain expressionless.

He sits at a table next to your parents. Felix is on his left, and the rest of the boys and other members of JYPE are sitting nearby.

There is an empty space to his right, and in front of it, the table is full of your favourite foods, snacks and drinks.

His eyes are stuck on that empty seat.

“Wow, they really brought me a lot.” You chuckle, looking at Chris with your head supported by your right hand, your elbow against the table. “How am I supposed to eat all of this?”

He watches the scene stunned.

“What’s wrong, baby? Why the long face?” You ask, the smile on your face wider, raising a hand to caress his cheek.

The next time Chris blinks, you’re gone.

The seat is empty.

The boys insist that Chan comes with them to the dorms, or that at least some of them come home with him.

“It’s not good to be alone.” Hyunjin says sympathetically, and Chris simply shakes his head.

What if you come back home tired and want to rest, but the boys are there visiting? He asks himself. It wouldn’t be fair to you.

So, he goes home alone, after much bargaining with them that he needs some time on his own.

The silence that greets him once he opens the door to your shared apartment is deafening.

He first goes to the bedroom to check if you’re back yet, but the sheets stay as empty as when he woke up two days ago, so he pulls out his phone to dial your number again.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

The beep sound follows soon after, and he begins talking.

“Babe, I know you’re mad at me. I was wrong. I’m sorry. It’s time to come back home now. Please?”

A second beep follows, signalling that the time to record his message is over, so he ends the call. He ignores the countless notifications piling up on his screen, all the Condolences messages he’s been receiving, and he places the phone in his pocket and starts making the bed.

“Wow, well done, Channie! I’m impressed!” He can almost hear you chuckling, and turns his head towards the door, fully expecting you to be there laughing at him and praising him for doing the bare minimum, but there’s no one there.

Once the bed is made, he heads towards the living room. A half empty glass of water is on the table, its margins stained by your lipstick, next to a plate full of breadcrumbs.

Tsk, how messy. He rolls his eyes, knowing exactly why you haven’t cleaned up. You must’ve eaten in a rush again, this bad habit of yours.

You’re always complaining about stomach aches, but you keep eating on the go while getting ready for work in the morning, and never enjoy your meals.

He takes a picture of the crime scene and opens his phone again, shooting you a text.

“Forgot to clean up?” He asks, then attaches the picture of the plate and glass.

He knows you’ll probably laugh and start excusing yourself once you see it. If he were to check his gallery, half the pictures are surely of the dirty plates you simply forget about on the table.

Chris always washes them, but never fails to remind you of it.

This time, too, he takes the plate and glass to the sink and turns on the hot water. He rubs the plate with a dish sponge with way too much dish soap on it, and he hears your voice in the back of his head again:

“My, Channie! You’re so wasteful! You only need a drop. A single drop!!! What are you using so much dish soap for???”

He starts laughing as he grabs the glass and throws the half-drunk water out, but before washing it, he notices the lipstick stains again. He smiles to himself and sets the glass aside, wiping it off with a napkin, careful to not accidentally remove the stain.

Your lips left such a pretty mark, he doesn’t want to part with it yet, even if you are going to give him an earful later for not washing the glass properly.

When there is nothing else to do around the house, he opens his laptop and starts sorting out his emails. All of their schedules for the month have been cancelled, and their upcoming comeback postponed indefinitely.

He doesn’t think it’s necessary, but at the end of the day, the company’s rules must be followed. You’ve complained about him working too much anyway. Maybe this is the chance for you two to spend a bit more time together.

All he has to do now is wait for you to come back.

He waits.

And waits.

And waits…

Felix visits with Jisung and Seungmin the next day.

And then the next, Jeongin comes with Changbin and Hyunjin.

Minho drops by every morning with enough food to last Chris the whole day.

His manager comes once a week and makes sure to call him daily.

Whenever he’s on the phone, he paces around the empty apartment and looks around. He sees the jewellery you left on the coffee table; your sports shoes are still on the doormat in front of the door, your face creams and serums stay untouched in the bathroom, your hairbrush lays by the sink filled with loose hair, and there’s a half-ironed shirt on the ironing table in the dressing.

You don’t like other people touching your stuff, so he leaves everything just like that, waiting for you to come back and fix it all.

The glass with your lipstick stain on it is still there on the counter, next to the sink.

He’s texted you about a dozen of times since he first messaged you about it and the plate that’s long been washed, but you haven’t replied to a single text. Your phone still goes directly to voicemail, but worst of all… no matter how much he’s waiting…

… you don’t come home, and the apartment stays empty.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right!’

‘Hello!’

---

Anger

---

It’s been more than a month, but Chris still sets the table for you each time he eats what Lee Know brings him.

He wouldn’t bother eating much, if Minho wouldn’t have insisted to tag along to practically every meal after he noticed that he’s barely touching the food.

He always places one more plate on the table, right in front of him, at your usual spot.

“Just in case she comes back and gets hungry.” He explains to Minho, but he’s had enough of this.

“Hyung…” Lee Know hesitates. “She… she’s not coming back. You know that, right?”

His tone is quiet, and he tries to approach the subject as gently as possible. However, it’s time for him to do something. You’ve died more than five weeks ago, but Chris hasn’t moved any of your belongings, not even to store them.

There’s a box of tampons on the kitchen counter, but he won’t even move that, for fuck’s sake. He keeps waiting for you to come home, as if he doesn’t realise the fact that you’ve passed away.

“No, she will.” Chris says firmly, daring Minho to challenge him more.

“Hyung… She… she died. She’s not coming back.”

“You’re wrong!” Chris shouts all of a sudden, hitting the table with his fist strong enough to make the tableware bounce. He knows Minho is right. After waiting for you for weeks on end without you coming back, after dialling your number about a million times, after sending countless texts with no reply from you… he knows. But…

“Chris…” Lee Know stares empathetically.

“You’re all wrong! She… she’s coming back, goddamit!” He shouts again, this time grabbing the table’s edges and flipping it. The empty plates fall to the ground and shatter in the process, and Minho’s pot spills on the carpet, staining it.

Chris tries to cling to the last bit of hope he has regarding you, but he knows you’re dead. Everyone else was right, and he was wrong. You’re really gone.

“I’m sorry, Hyung. You… you need some help…” Lee Know continues with a shake of his head, bending down to grab the broken pieces of glass.

When he’s done cleaning up the carpet and the floor to the best of his abilities, he takes one more look at Chan. He looks like a ticking bomb, ready to explode again any second now.

Lee Know doesn’t know if it would be good to give Chan space, or if he should insist again that he comes with him to the dorms.

He decides to ask him anyway, and to his surprise, Chris nods and packs a small bag with clothes and hangs it on his shoulder.

They made their way out to Lee Know’s car, and once they’re at the dorms, they say goodbye as each goes to their respective apartments. Chris used to live with 3RACHA and Hyunjin, so that’s where he’s headed.

The dorms are as messy as he remembers, but they bring him comfort nontheless. His old room brings him solace as well.

There are a few pictures or you on the small desk in his room, and he looks at them fondly. You’re smiling beautifully in all of them. It’s the you he remembers. You, at your first date; you, the first time he took you to an amusement park; you, when all your fingers were coated in chocolate after you attempted to bake him a cake.

It’s you.

God, how he misses you.

How dare you leave him alone?

How dare you?

Why didn’t you fucking look to the left before crossing the road? Even if the traffic light was green, you should’ve fucking looked.

You’ve always been careful to look, so why…?!

Watching the pictures no longer makes him happy. It makes him angry, and out of anger, he punches the wall behind the desk with all his strength.

It makes no sense, really, but the pain in his fist takes away from the pain in his heart, so he punches the wall again.

He decides to try and calm down after hitting the wall two more times, and he hops into his old bed, shutting his eyes tight and thinking about the night you died.

‘I’m really fucking done with how overbearing you’re being. I was doing fine before I met you, and I sure as hell do just fine without you over my head every fucking minute of the day.’

Those were some of the last words he’s said to you.

Since you’ve died a few blocks away from the JYPE building, it happened right after you left.

You died thinking he doesn’t love you.

You died thinking he doesn’t need you.

He does.

He needs you.

If only he’d gone home with you that night, as you asked him, you would’ve never died.

It’s his fault.

It’s his fault you’ve died.

He killed you.

He lashed out on you and blamed all his stress on your attempts to take care of him, and he killed you.

Fuck, it’s all his fault.

For the first time since the funeral, he bursts out in tears, and he is unable to stop. It’s like all of his repressed feelings for the past month and a half come biting him right in the ass.

It’s so hard to breathe. He’s getting suffocated.

He can’t.

He can’t breathe anymore.

You’re on top of him, suffocating him.

“You killed me.” You say, blood running down your face.

He can almost feel the drops hitting him, with your face so close to him.

“It’s your fault. “You knew what you were saying. You killed me.” You say again cruelly, and Chris shuts his eyes even tighter.

His cries soon turn to wails, and he’s being loud enough for Changbin to hear him and get alerted. He opens the door without knocking, and upon seeing Chris, his heart breaks.

He just goes to the bed and throws himself on top of Chris, as if to shelter him somehow from the intense grief he’s feeling.

When his cries quiet down, Changbin takes a look at his friend and sees his injuries.

“Holy fuck, your hand is bleeding. Are you okay?” He asks in panic, standing up quickly to grab the first aid kit to bandage his fist.

“It’s all my fucking fault!” Chris screams at the top of his lungs, and his destructive mood comes back. He stands up, wanting to destroy it all. Every damn picture, every fucking thing in this room.

He wants to set it on fire and let it it all to pieces, letting himself burn as well. It’s what he deserves for killing you.

Sure, the drunk driver that hit you was directly responsible for taking your life, but the way he acted that night… nothing would’ve happened if it weren’t for him.

He killed you.

Changbin sees right through his erratic behaviour and anticipates his moves, throwing himself once more at Chris, holding him tight and not letting him move, no matter how much Chris lashes out. He doesn’t let go until his friend calms down again, and even after he does, he decides to camp in the room with him and keep him company.

---

Bargaining

---

It’s been three months, and Chris still has some difficulties accepting that you’re truly gone.

He probably shouldn't be here so soon, but it’s like he has to make sure again that you’re… that you’re dead.

Your parents did a great job with your grave; your gravestone made of marble stands tall , centred right in front of the ground you’re buried deep within, and the intricate designs of sculpted vines and flowers reminds him of you.

Oh, right. Flowers.

Chris remembers he brought a bouquet of pink peonies with him. He’s been holding onto it tightly ever since he bought it and stepped in a taxi to come here, but as soon as he got to your grave, time stopped, he couldn’t breathe anymore, and he forgot about the flowers in his hands.

It’s not like you need any more; there are so many fresh flowers all over and around your grave. Your parents also planted lots on top of the soil above your coffin, decorating your rest place beautifully.

You’ve always said you wanted a garden, and now, you have one: your little space in the uncomfortably large cemetery at the edge of the city.

“My favourite flowers. Aren’t they pretty?” He swears he can hear your voice, and turning to his left side, his breath hitches in his throat, choking him.

There you are, holding the bouquet of pink peonies he bought with a large smile on your face, but just like last time, he blinks, and the bouquet is in his hands, as it’s been the whole time, and you’re nowhere in sight.

A tear rolls down Chan’s cheek. He wishes he would’ve bought you that house and garden you’ve been dreaming of, instead of the convenient apartment in the city centre.

He wishes he would’ve proposed, and that you’d build a little family together. After all, you were his solace in the midst of all the chaos of his life. The sole person bringing him purpose and comfort.

But now you’re gone.

He wishes he wouldn’t have always put his job first. Especially now, as his schedules stay empty due to the company fearing for his well-being, he realises how much free time he could’ve had if only – if only he’d listened to you.

He regrets all those late nights in the studio when he could’ve been home sleeping next to you.

He regrets every breakfast, lunch and dinner he’s missed because he was too busy with making a new song, learning a new dance, or preparing for a new comeback. Now, none of it matters. You’re gone.

He could’ve postponed all of them. He could’ve done so much differently, and he regrets it all.

You’re gone.

He places the peonies in a little vase near your gravestone, next to some daffodils someone must’ve brought you a few days ago.

Then, he raises his gaze and reads the inscription in the headstone’s marble. It’s your favourite poem by Clare Harner.

Good choice, he thinks, as he goes through the lines of Immortality and traces each engraved letter with his fingers.

‘Do not stand by my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints in snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle, autumn rain.

As you awake with morning's hush,

I am the swift, up-flinging rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the day transcending night.

Do not stand by my grave, and cry--

I am not there, I did not die.’

You stopped reciting the poem and took a deep breath, looking expectantly at Chan.

“Isn’t this poem beautiful?” You asked him, your eyes sparkling.

“A bit morbid, but yes.” Chris chuckled as he placed the freshly made pasta dish in a large plate and served you dinner.

“Aww, thank you. Smells so good!” You grinned in delight, your eyes closing into crescents, as they always did whenever you smiled brightly.

He couldn’t help but press a quick chaste kiss against your lips before he sat down as well.

“So, pasta master, show me how it’s done.” You encouraged him, nudging his elbow and handing him your fork and spoon.

“Tsk, you’re so spoiled.” Chris tutted jokingly, but complied nonetheless and started twirling the pasta with the fork. Once it became an appropriate bite-sized portion, he raised the fork and supported it with the spoon as he brought the food to your mouth.

“Mmmm, so good!” You exclaimed with a few quick, excited small claps, as soon as you started feeling the flavours.

“Of course, what were you expecting?” Chris chuckled.

“Only the best from you.” She praised, petting his head fondly. “So, about the poem. Do you think it’s good enough for my presentation?”

“For Uni? Yeah, of course. Anything you’d pick is good enough, babe. You have your way with words, and you recited it very beautifully.”

“You think?” You beamed at his words, and he nodded. “Thank you, Channie. I really really like it, but I was afraid it wasn’t appropriate.”

“No, it is. You can use it.”

“If the lyrical genius says so, it must be true.” You stood up briefly and kissed his cheek, before returning to your seat and starting eating the pasta.

God, how many years ago was that?

Chris bursts out crying for the millionth time this month, and grabs the headstone with both his hands, feeling his knees grow weak.

On the brink of collapse, he uses your gravestone for support as he weeps louder.

“Can’t you come back?” He asks, his voice shaking. “Please. Please come back. Please. I… I promise I’ll do better, hm? I promise I’ll no longer stay as late in the studio, so please… please…”

The headstone can’t support him enough when his hands go weak as well, and he falls to his knees right in front of the poem.

“If only – If only I’d left with you that night. If only we hadn’t fought. God… please, please come back. We still have to make up.”

He cries for what feels like hours, and his body grows cold.

“Please… please…” He forces out again. “Come back… come back… we have so much we want to do… come back… I need… I need more time with you, please. Please.”

And he cries again.

And again.

And again, until he feels a hand on his shoulder a while later, and he turns his head around hopeful, thinking you might’ve somehow heard his pleas and returned to him.

His expression falls as he sees Seungmin looking concerned at him, and then he frowns even more noticing the pathetic way he looks in his eyes’ reflection.

Seungmin falls to the ground next to Chan, hugging his side tightly. Then, he helps him stand up and balance on his feet.

Chris is grateful for Stray Kids being there for him, but he just wishes… it would’ve been you standing next to him instead of Seungmin.

---

Depression

---

Chris has never experienced such an intense fatigue before. Every part of his body hurts, and it’s like his muscles are screaming at him each time he stands up. He is lethargic and looks haggard and in desperate need of rest, but rest doesn’t come by too easily as of late.

It’s 5AM and he’s in the studio again, but instead of doing anything productive, like finishing up that song he’s started working on two months ago that he keeps beating himself up for, he watches how beautiful you looked in the picture on his desk.

You used to be so full of life and so gorgeous. Your smile could make anyone happy, and your laugh – God, how much he misses your laugh.

He misses your voice.

Sometimes, he can’t even remember what it sounds like, and he thinks it’s absurd; it hasn’t been that long since you passed. Only about a year. He shouldn’t forget it so soon.

He grabs his phone and manually types the digits to your number. He still hasn’t forgotten it, and with how deep it’s been ingrained in his memory, he doesn’t think he ever will.

‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?

Yes. The beep-

Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’

He hasn’t cried in some time while thinking of you, but now, he’s on the verge of tears again. You used to sound so carefree.

You used to be so happy.

He doesn’t know when he started referring to you in past tense, but as soon as the realisation hits him, he lets a couple of tears stain his cheeks.

Chris is tired. He hasn’t slept in… God knows how many days. He’s always had trouble sleeping, but nowadays, his insomnia has been getting worse and worse. His doctor prescribed him some pills that are supposed to help, but he can’t even be bothered to take them anymore. They don’t help him rest anyway. If he takes them, he wakes up confused, disoriented, and with an even worse headache.

His phone is still in his hand and his finger brushes over his screen. He didn’t have the heart to change his lockscreen picture. It’s still you.

He hasn’t seen you in what feels like years. The first few months when he’d been haunted by your ghost were tough, but now that he hasn’t seen any glimpse of you in months, day to day life is getting harder and harder to navigate.

You don’t even visit him in his dreams anymore, on the seldom nights he sleeps. If he takes the small white pills, he doesn’t dream of anything, and he so desperately wants to see you again, to touch you, that he refuses to take them. That’s the other reason he doesn’t.

Fuck, this is hard.

Are you supposed to feel so devastated after a whole year?

Back then, years passed by so quickly – it meant comeback after comeback, work, work and more work, and time with you was scarce but very appreciated. Time used to fly, and without him knowing how much time passed, you’ve celebrated your 5th anniversary. He was planning to propose to you soon. He was looking at rings, but then you…

Time doesn’t pass by as quickly anymore. This year stretched for so long, it felt like a decade instead of barely 12 months. With each passing month, it was like nothing was changing at all for Chris, but now, looking back, everything feels different.

He’s a completely different person than the one that was staying in the studio up until 5 AM last year, and he blames himself so, so much for his unchanging bad habits.

He blames himself for your death still. It’s his fault, and this thought only makes him more hopeless and more depressed.

He’s lost weight. A lot of it, to the point where the company had to have an ‘intervention’. Whereas last year his body was toned, his abs perfectly sculpted and his form admirable, he now looks like a ghost of himself.

If he eats, his stomach immediately starts hurting. He threw up 3 times this week alone.

Your death still has such a big emotional toll on him, and he’s tried it all. He went to therapy. He still goes four times a week at his company’s requests. He’s on medication that makes him groggy and unable to think, medication that shut down all his feelings – not just the negative ones. He is numb, and when he isn’t, he feels utterly devastated and lost.

What is he supposed to do now, without you?

How come a year has already passed without you by his side? He’s even contradicting himself. Sometimes he feels that the year passed by slowly, and sometimes he looks back and doesn’t understand how he was able to live a whole year without you.

He needs you.

Fuck, he needs you so much, he still can’t believe he even insinuated that horrible night that he didn’t.

Life no longer has any purpose, and everyone around him is growing more concerned by the day, as this once optimistic man has left together with you, leaving in his place only a pessimistic, desperate person.

He realised how badly he wants to die exactly 6 months ago, when your sudden disappearance finally started sinking in for real. When he stopped bargaining with God or with whatever cruel higher power there might be in the sky to let you come back, even if just for 10 minutes, for enough time for him to kiss and hug you and tell you how much he’s missing you.

6 months ago, he started decorating his thighs with unsightly marks, some of them faded, other fresh. He can’t do it anywhere else, no matter how much he’d wished to cut his wrists open, for fear of anyone else noticing.

So, he takes his despair out on his poor thighs, pressing the small blade against his skin until he feels something, anything. Until blood starts pouring down and the shower’s water pools down at his feet completely red.

He winces in pain every time he does it, but at least he feels something different than the numbness that grows bigger and bigger in his heart, consuming everything in its way. His whole soul feels absorbed by it, crushed under the pressure.

On the rare occasions he’s not numb, he feels the immense grief your absence left. He now knows that you’ve not only taught him how to love, but also how it is to lose what you love, and it hurts. It’s excruciating, and his heart is being ripped apart still, each and every time he thinks of you, and your absence is tearing him apart from the inside out.

He is physically sick. His headaches are worse than ever. He can’t sleep. He can’t eat. He can’t do anything anymore. He doesn’t want to, either.

The only thing he wants is to die, but even this wish feels selfish. He sees the way his friends look at him, how they’re walking on eggshells around him, to not somehow mention anything that could trigger a bigger depressive episode than what he’s already going through. He only pushes through it because of them, because he knows how it feels to lose someone you truly love, and he doesn’t want them to have to live with this black hole in their chests.

But… the loneliness he feels is simply merciless. It’s pouring down on him like unyielding unforgiving rain, not showing him any pity, and so he tries to fills his days with something that would make him forget about the gap in his soul.

The company let him come back to work a while ago, but they didn’t plan any comeback for Stray Kids for the time being, nor are they planning any for the near future. He’s grateful they’re giving him time, because he’s in no shape or form ready to do anything, not when he’s withdrawn himself so much from everything he used to love.

It’s difficult to compose any up-beat songs, or any song, for that matter. It used to come naturally for him, but not anymore. Changbin and Jisung are doing their best to support him and make up for his lack of concentration, but it feels like he’s not bringing anything to the table anymore.

He’s missed practice over and over again. The Kids meet up every two days to dance to their older songs, and as they don’t have anything new to work with, they even started learning the dances of other popular songs, or creating choreographies that would fit western music. Chan never went. He stopped dancing 12 months ago, and he hasn’t even stepped in the practice room since you died, not even once.

He hasn’t sung since you died either, and no one said anything about it. No one blamed him at all. Not even his company, who he was sure was going to fire him in the first 6 months after your death.

They said they trust him, and that they’re going to give him as much time as he needs to recover. They talk about him like he’s sick, but he’s not sick. They don’t seem to understand that.

He’s not sick, he’s just devastated, and he doesn’t think he’s ever going to be able to live again, to sing and dance on stage and to work hard, because this is no longer his dream.

He only dreams of death, and the thoughts of it are the only ones bringing him any solace. His therapist said he needs more time, and he quoted Lois Tonkin more times than he can count. He said that life will soon begin to grow bigger around grief, and that the intense sadness he’s feeling is just another expression of love for you. One that is permanent, but that will diminish as time passes and as he starts enjoying life again.

He doesn’t believe any of it, though.

How could he begin to enjoy life again, with you not there by his side?

---

Acceptance

---

He met someone.

For the first time in years, he felt genuine happiness again.

It took him one more year to start reengaging in some of his older hobbies and in his work. He started gradually going to the gym with Changbin and Lee Know, and eventually felt ready to start dancing and singing again. Another year later, he was ready to get back on stage and face all his fans, who’ve thankfully shown an unwavering support of his journey with grief.

He started feeling a bit better, and even though you were on his mind all the time, he was no longer dwelling on the pain of the loss of you. Your memory started bringing him more happiness, and he started looking fondly at all the sweet moments you’ve both shared together.

He started appreciating being able to have met you, to have lived 5 beautiful years next to you, and even though he still feels it is unfair that you’ve been taken away from him so cruelly and way too early, he no longer blames himself.

He still regrets the argument you had on the night you passed away, but he started slowly coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing he could do about it anymore, no way to take his words back. He started accepting that this is the one regret he’s going to have to take to his grave with him.

It took him one more year to start embracing life again, to start looking forward to his future with Stray Kids and to start actively making plans. He realised there was so much more he wanted to accomplish, and his dreams started coming back to him little by little, with the support of his friends and family.

He’s met her two years later.

When it happened, he was still not ready to give love a second chance. He thought it was way too soon, that he was disrespecting you by catching feelings for someone else. He felt like he was emotionally cheating on you.

He decided it’s time to join a support group at the recommendation of his friend, and he’s met a lot of people of all ages: some younger than him, some way older. The way they spoke about their former partners warmed up his heart, and they made him realise that loving again is not an affront to your memory. He can still keep loving you while loving someone else as well. He can still honour your memory.

He opened up to her, and he’s told her all about you. She wanted to know who you were, and she even visited your grave with him, holding his hand and talking to you at your gravestone. She told you she loves him and thanked you for being there for him while you were still alive, for giving him precious memories to hold onto.

She apologized for life being so unfair and taking you away from Chris so abruptly, and she assured you she’s going to take care of him to the best of her abilities.

She was really patient with him. She gave him as much time as he needed to come to terms with his feelings. He let him set the pace on what he was comfortable with doing. The first time they slept together was after more than one year of dating, but she didn’t mind waiting for as long as he felt necessary.

She loved him, and he loved her.

He proposed to her almost two years later, and they welcomed a child one year after their wedding.

He visited your grave on your 10th death anniversary with his son in his stroller, a baby boy he’s given your favourite name. You were still present in his thoughts, and his love for you never subsided.

He now simply has additional people to love and to grow old with, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss you still.

He decided to visit your grave again, even if walking has become a bit too difficult. Still, he manages the way from the car until your grave just fine, even if he has to support himself with a crane.

He is now old enough to be called ‘grandpa’, and not just as a joke between him and his friends. His hands are shaking, and his legs are a bit wobbly; his face is adorned with deep lines and creases, his forehead is wrinkly, and each fine line contributes to his now years-long life and experiences. The skin dropped around his cheeks, but every lady in the nursing home assures him he’s still a handsome man.

Your grave is no longer as tidy and beautifully adorned with fresh flowers. The soil has been overtaken by weeds and is in dear need of cleansing. He hasn’t visited in a while, unfortunately, his health issues making it a tad too hard, and with your parents long gone, there is no one else to take care of your resting place.

He makes a mental note to hire someone to clean it up and plant some flowers, but for the time being, he simply sets the bouquet of rose peonies in the small, chipped vase next to your headstone.

The inscription in the once immaculate marble is no longer as visible, but he doesn’t need to read it in order to recognise Immortality by Clare Harner. He still remembers the poem by heart, and also all sorts of other small, insignificant things, like your old phone number that’s been disconnected decades ago.

He looks at your smiling picture, the one he took when you’ve just graduated from university, and he realises as if for the first time how young you were.

He’s grown old; he has multiple wrinkles, his skin sagged everywhere, and his body went through each transformation it was supposed to when advancing in years.

But you?

You’ve stayed young. You’ve stayed beautiful, cheerful, smiling. Your face stayed clear of any creases.

You’ve remained just as he remembers you.

You are immortal.

“I’m sorry for not coming in a while.” He speaks with a soft smile on his face.

“That’s fine. You are probably very tired.”

He swears he could hear your voice. Maybe the poem is right, and the whispers of the wind transform in your saccharine voice he’s so dearly missed.

“I’m truly sorry for what I’ve said.” He continues, feeling the need to apologize again for his harsh words that night. No matter how many years have passed and how many time he’s already apologised, he’s never forgiven himself.

“But I’ve forgiven you long ago.” The wind whispers, and he closes his eyes and nods his head.

“I still love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I hope you know that.”

“I know.” The sunlight caresses his back, warming him up as the wind strengthens. “And I’m waiting for you, whenever you’re ready to meet me, my love.”

~The End~

---

(A/N) Obligatory song: 11 minutes by Halsey and YUNGBLUD.

youtube

When my best friend showed me this song, I immediately fell in love with the concept of the music video, that’s based on the five stages of grief. I thought to myself that I simply must write a story like this, but of course, that was months ago and I’ve completely forgotten about it, as I usually do with most random ideas that come to mind that I don’t write down lol.

I couldn’t really sleep for the past few nights, so my mind kept brewing ideas and scenarios to keep me busy and hopefully lull me to sleep.

It didn’t work, because the five stages of grief came to mind and I knew I had to immediately write a story about it and not let the idea go this time, so I got out of bed at like 6:30 am and wrote and wrote on and off for a total of 13 hours, until this 10k words of pure despair have been created.

I hope you enjoyed it even though it probably sent you spiralling into depression. Thank you for reading nonetheless!

Love,

Storm

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azulas-daddy-kink · 5 months

Note

Z*kka is a very good example I like to use when I talk about how trend, timing and tropes effect fandoms that you don't see happen in older fandoms

The ATLA renaissance happened during the same time the Voltron trainwreck happened. At the same time, certain tropes like opposites attract, blue/red gays etc are insanely popular. Almost every big thing falls into this easy category of who fits who in their incorrect quotes or popular tropes and ship dynamic.

And Z*kka fits the bill. Silly/Serious? Check. Conventionally attractive guys? Check. Blue/Red? Check. On paper, they sound like any other popular ships that technically speaking would make at least a decent ship.

Except they don't. Because they're from a 3 seasons show where they canonically don't have that much meaningful interaction, barely any acknowledgement of each other, and they just don't have chemistry. They DON'T. Just because they LOOK like they fit on the surface level doesn't mean they actually do. Sometimes opposites don't attract. Sometimes the characters who fall easily into a ship dynamic aren't actually compatible.

The ship is solid proof that modern fandoms these days prioritize surface level things over what canon actually gives them. I UNDERSTAND why some people like z*kka, but it DOES NOT deserve the level of popularity it receives! And the fact it became one of the most popular ships in ATLA because the voltron fans project kl*nce into the ship is IMO disheartening. They already choose what they wish to see instead of appreciating what these characters got and who they actually connect with in canon.

I know I sound pretentious, but I really can't stand these kinds of fans because of how much they REFUSE to engage in canon. Tropes are nice. Having preferences is not a crime. But actively forcing your own vision into canon just because they fit your tastes in the most shallow way possible is just sad. Why bother engage in any new media then? Why not actually pick up something that actively fits your taste?

You said it all, Anon!

I seriously had no idea where Zukka even came from until recently.

It wasn't a thing when the show was airing and then suddenly it just exploded out of nowhere. I was so baffled. I was like "why this?" Of all the slash ships people could have latched onto. Jetko is right there. Hell, even Zukaang and Sokka/Aang make way more sense.

You're so right, people just base everything off """vibes""" or aesthetics, or just jump on the bandwagon when a ship/headcanon gets popular without giving it any real thought. And because Zukka is just a copy+paste version of Klance, they just wind up wildly ooc and it's like they're two entirely different characters. I have to ask myself if these people even like Zuko or Sokka independently...

And for the record, I don't think you sound shallow at all. The enforcement of popular headcanons as canon is a problem in all fandoms, but it's especially bad in this one.

If it sounds like I'm pointing the finger solely at Zukka shippers, I'm not. Zutara shippers are just as bad, if not worse. As are those who shove the idea of lesbian Azula down everyone's throats.

It's just fucking exhausting.

Ship whatever you want. Headcanon whatever you want. Just stop torturing all of us with it.

#anon ask #ask response #atla #atla fandom critical #anti zukka #ship discourse

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fabuloustrash05 · 5 months

Note

hold on I just remembered that I sent you, like, an essay on Karai Being Cool Actually I'm So Smart And Impartial while I was recovering from dentist anesthesia the other night. but I don't know what was actually in it. like my memory's garbage even when I'm not high. so like,, what did I say????? was it coherent or did I just kinda cry about her in your inbox lmao

Imma just copy and paste it all for you:

tbh I like how stubborn Karai is; in my mind, it's a core character trait, right up with Raph's anger issues (emotional disregulation and lack of healthy coping skills), Don's... creepiness (communication problems, fear of rejection, and lack of role models to teach him how healthy relationships work), Leo's reckless self-sacrificial streak (BIG time parentification and self-esteem reliant on perceived worth to others), and the messy, conflicted emotional rollercoaster that is April's life (idc what the writers were trying to do, she is SO accurate to how it feels growing up autistic as a girl shouldered with unreasonable expectations). Sometimes the most interesting thing about a character is what's "wrong" with them, and... Personally, I have kind of a nihilistic view on people, so that's what I tend to focus on, as the starting point from which they can grow as individuals and learn to deal with their issues. To me, Karai's stubbornness and repeated "obvious" mistakes read as her desperately trying to maintain control and comfort in an unfamiliar situation that isn't getting better and will never be what she used to know and has adapted to survive in. It will get better eventually, sure, but she doesn't know that. To make matters worse, after everything that happened with her adoptive father, her ability to trust her elders who could warn her of what's ahead has been compromised, whether she acknowledges it or not; essentially, this means she has to find out everything the hard way before it sticks, and even then, it might just be a fluke, so she still might not get it the first few times. Soon, it becomes a pattern. There is a certain level of comfort in knowing you are wrong and will be hurt for it, if that's what you think you deserve. It's... Familiar, I guess? It feels very real, when you've been through a similar process of fighting your own growth and healing, especially at that age. So personally, although it is frustrating, I think it makes sense this way because that feeling of frustration is the point, y'know? It's ugly, it's uncomfortable, and it is so earnestly human.

#sorry I didn’t respond I’ve been busy and haven’t had a chance to fully read it till now #I still think Karai is stubborn and arrogant but not in the good way #it was charming in the first two seasons but by season four she has little to no growth #She goes through the same exact experience in every episode and never learns her lesson #At that point she’s not arrogant and stubborn she’s just stupid #she was given countless warnings from her father and brothers and even got her face burnt off but she still kept going #she never learned a lesson and stayed the same for the entire series #her only development was becoming a good guy #kernelbastard #asks #answered #tmnt 2012 #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt karai

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epickiya722 · 2 years

Text

Okay, seeing people saying Horikoshi's writing sucks now and whatnot made me realize that maybe this is his breaking point. I'm not joking.

Look, writing in general is not going to be top tier all the time. People, stop expecting it to be.

Especially, when during the eight years of creating a series, you get death threats, complaints, and all this other drama to the point that it will reflect on your writing because guess what? Your health is broken down.

I bet Horikoshi does feel super stressed nowadays and try to hold it together. I'm just saying, he probably didn't expect BNHA to be as successful as it is so this is new to him. BNHA is his longest story. He has done other works, but they're not acknowledged like BNHA is because they don't even run a whole year.

This is a guess, but maybe he's adjusting to having a huge series like BNHA. People don't just adjust to having a successful series in a snap, especially when their previous works don't be as acknowledged and whatnot. His previous work Barrage came out 2 years before BNHA was introduced. Barrage, like his other works, ran for a year. Just a year. Some of them just being one-shots. He didn't have to work with a lot because at the time, he probably had didn't feel he shouldn't work with a lot. When BNHA started, Horikoshi probably felt like "yeah, I want to take this on. I want to work with a lot more. I have a lot more confidence and I'm more comfortable".

BNHA has a lot of themes, a lot of characters and huge plot, okay? Yeah, this isn't nothing new. Stop acting like BNHA is the only series out there with a lot going on with it.

It is a lot to handle and because so, some details will be forgotten and things probably won't make sense. And there are some things I don’t like myself that happens, but give credit where credit is due. Horikoshi does have some good points with this series that are often overlooked because PEOPLE ARE THE WORSE. For goodness sake, the man draws hands like it's nothing and we all have had that phase of drawing characters with their arms behind their back because we're shit at drawing hands. And let's be honest, Dabi didn't even need a backstory before he got a huge fanbase. One look at him and girls were all over that.

As someone who does write as a hobby, I can tell you that when I get into my story, I do go overboard. I create a lot of characters and sometimes I have to jot down details to remember them and try to fit them in a plot. That comes from excitement.

Excitement Horikoshi and other mangakas, authors and artists probably felt when they finally get their work recognized enough to be big. Excitement that, over the years, become stress because "fans" do nothing but criticize, criticize and bitch and send death threats and call people slurs and names.

Horikoshi probably had bigger plans for BNHA, he probably had other plans for some of the characters and wanted to go a different route with some relationships but decided maybe it's high time to hang it up because "fans" only can seem to complain.

It's what a lot of you do nowadays with any series. You hold way too many expectations for a series and not go into it with an open-mind and decide to enjoy it for how it is and that you have entertainment so you won't be bored with yourselves.

Keep in mind, BNHA is also an anime and we all would be lucky if BONES didn't decide to give it a rushed ending like many other animes in the past have (Blue Exorcist, Rosario + Vampire, etc). So with an anime in the works, Horikoshi is also occupied with that.

I'm not saying he's the best guy or anything. Not saying everything he has going for BNHA is good. Again, there are some things that make me go "WHY?"

What I'm saying is, this fandom and other fandoms need to start looking at the creators like they're actual damn people. They're not gods and they're not perfect. They're fucking people.

They work on something and want to share it with the world, but oh my goodness what a shocker! People want it to be perfect! They want it to cater to them only because they're entitled.

If a story sucks, it sucks. If it's good, it's good. We can have our opinions. It's fine.

However, I think everyone needs to be reminded that time, energy, and money goes into big projects and can affect the health of someone.

It's like how people always want to ask fanfic writers "when are you going to update"? First, stop asking that. Second, uh... THEY'RE PEOPLE, TOO. They have families, jobs, days were they have to take a mental health break.

I honestly just hope once BNHA ends, Horikoshi just step away for a while and take a break. For anybody who does creative works, take a break and get yourself together.

It is unfair that people can't seem to enjoy anything anymore before criticizing about "problematic characters" or "this doesn't make sense". Just shut up! For goodness sake, there has never been a story or anything without its flaws! It happens but that doesn't mean to nitpick about it ALL THE DAMN TIME!

Have you ever thought that maybe people create things that make them happy and want to share those things because that they want other people to be happy?!

#fandoms nowadays fucking suck #because 99% of the people do #stop looking at stories to criticize them #start looking at them as just entertainment and something someone eagerly wanted to share #i swear i'm a pinch away from losing it #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #just kiya's thoughts #bnha fandom #bnha fandom criticism #bnha fandom critical

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melonteee · 9 months

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I enjoyed OPLA and really did like some of the changes they made but now that it's marinated in my brain a bit. It's hard out here being a Sanji enjoyer fr

I feel like it didn't really show his sensitivity and vulnerability. You said something about Baratie arc feeling like a checklist and GOD yeah it really felt like that :'D I always forget the Mihawk fight happened there honestly and am disappointed that parts of the episodes were dedicated to tension between Nami, Luffy and Zoro about the duel rather than... you know... blorbo from my shows

He really did feel like a side character to his own story cause some of the most memorable things about him were completely missed or skimmed over. I h8 that he just talks about the All Blue and it's not that goofy smile from the animanga. Also that he doesn't watch the fight or have this moment of "wait, my dream is worth fighting for". It's kinda said to our face that "he doesn't leave cause he owes Zeff" but I don't feel it the same way I do in the animanga. I have so many weird feelings cause I love some aspects to OPLA. But as a Sanji fan, I'm sad that he's kinda barely in it? And that what they left in were just surface level observations about him: "he's a chef who fights and flirts" um, where's that self-loathing and self-destructive kindness huh??

At least he calls Zoro mosshead once though and I got the joy of replaying that scene in different languages and now know what "mosshead" is in a plethora of languages.

...also have you seen the YOUTOOZ figures for OPLA cause I'm haunted

I just...everyone was stripped of character but Sanji and Usopp were especially so ruined I really do not understand it. Like I'm sorry, using Sanji's pain and trauma as a lesson for Luffy IS a despicable way to frame it, even worse with Luffy not even ACKNOWLEDGING IT??

One's pain in One Piece does not exist to teach any other characters a lesson, Sanji starving on a rock for 2 months does not exist so he can just tell Luffy how hard it is to be a captain. Which doesn't even make SENSE because Zeff wasn't even SANJI'S CAPTAIN AT THE DAMN TIME. NOR HAS HE EVER BEEN?

I feel crazy because everyone seems very lukewarm on it, and maybe I am just insanely attached to Sanji and feel greatly touched by his story, but is using a character's original written trauma as a plot device for ANOTHER character not insulting? Is there ANY respect for Sanji's 2 months of hell there? There's a damn good reason Sanji's story existed to be his OWN and not a motivational speech for LUFFY??

Imagine if Zoro was like "My best friend died, changing the course of my life and putting me through a grief so heavy I now carry her dream with me. Sometimes death of a loved one is an inevitable factor" and Luffy's like "L+ratio+I would kill MY best friend for Sanji" LIKE...WHA....

This is pure insanity I feel like I'm being shot left and right with everything I hear, like I'm glad people are enjoying bits and pieces, truly, but the flaws and disrespect of original character are just so apparent they're doing my head in - especially with how tons of people are choosing to just ignore it.

They tried to give Luffy this weird Water 7 moment, where he had to learn how to be a captain, but this script failed to consider Luffy had to learn that HIMSELF of his OWN circumstances and decisions with Usopp. Yes he was helped by Zoro in Water 7, but Zoro didn't suddenly just trauma dump about how awful a past he had for Luffy to go "Cool. ANYWAYS!" LIKE I JUST...REALLY? Am I crazy or overly biased or what because god damn I'm just jaw dropped at all of this fhgkd

The Baratie is meant to be Luffy witnessing SANJI'S character, and learning of SANJI'S personality and morals - with Sanji then being inspired from Luffy. Where was that? Where was any of that? Why was Sanji's kindness, stubbornness and self-sacrifice side-lined for a character we've been with LONGER at that point to get a bigger spotlight? It's so weird I don't GET IIIIT DFGHJKD

HOWEVER, yes I have seen the merchandise and it scared me KHDFGJKD sorry for that I...truly had a lot of thoughts hhh

#ask

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morgana-ren · 5 months

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Hi Morgana :)) hope you're having a good day. So I stumbled upon this video and the discourse in the comments https://youtube.com/shorts/cbtSWTjXvZQ?si=8g19VZHJUNI-5niU

And quite frankly got curious as I didn't get to play much of an early access Astarion but I do remember how his attitude at the tiefling/goblin party seems a lil different from early access to launch as well as his noble to charlatan change. So I thought that I could ask the Lore Mommy do you think he was changed that much and or how these changes shifted your perspective on his character. Because personally I do view him as a decadent and somewhat hedonistic as Ascended and those traits do show in his Spawn persona as well.

So just curious about your thoughts on this:))

Okay, I ended up fucking rambling and getting off topic here. This is too long for comfort. I'm sorry I just ended up blabbing, I swear that wasn't the intention lmao. I ended up looking into the comments at aforementioned discourse and it just reminded me of shit, so please forgive me. I tend to r a m b l e with a fuckin capital R. I'm talking in a more general sense and not at anyone in particular, most especially not you, so please don't think that. It's just my observations at large. I love questions like this and I hope this doesn't make you roll your eyes.

So, I got the EA version of the game when it was still fairly early. It was Patch 2, if I recall. It was interesting watching the group develop and grow as the writers and developers decided some things fit more than others because sometimes the patches were so drastically different than the last. Wyll actually got an entire rewrite between the EA and the full release. All of the characters we had went through changes (except Karlach and Halsin because they weren't there but they were likely tweaked behind the scenes.) A lot of Astarion's concept was already written, but his character was absolutely tweaked. The art book and a lot of the released designs are very early. We had them as of patch 2 where he was drastically different. In the beginning, they very much were going more for the stereotypical 'evil' follower. You could play as a good character and he would still like you, but he was very much geared for more debauchery-based playthroughs. It's also important to note that we really didn't get to demo everything. We only got the first act, and some of the more shallow aspects of it.

The thing about Baldur's Gate 3 is it is written so well because no character is good or evil. They are rounded, genuine characters with stories and lives and opinions of their own. You can dislike them, but you have to acknowledge they aren't written to be banal stereotypes. Astarion was a bit more of an evil clusterfuck in EA, but even then, there was a deep pain inside of him, and he was using his callousness and lack of giving a shit as a defense. Even then you knew something was very wrong. He mentioned Cazador because you ran into the Gur hunter, and you knew he was kept as a spawn against his will and was tortureda and had a very dubious past, but a lot of the character development wasn't in the EA-- because they didn't originally intend for it to be there.

But that doesn't fully change his character like some of the comments and other videos and posts I see seem to suggest. It seems like a lot of people have an egregious misunderstanding of his arc-- especially on tiktok and youtube shorts where the audience is younger and more prone to projection and group-thinking, echo-chambery line of thought.

Here's the rundown from what I remember deducing with EA combined with my personal playthroughs now that the game has released:

Astarion was absolutely a shithead before he was taken and turned. We don't know about his childhood, mostly because he doesn't know or remember, but I can say with certainty that he didn't become a dickhead after Cazador. Being taken made him worse, but he absolutely was an asshole before he was taken. He probably wasn't the traumatized, terrified young man he is now, but he was probably a real shit-kicker. He was on the winding path to darkness and they make this clear.

(His childhood was not touched on in the EA at all. All you knew is magistrate, vampire, gur killed him, Cazador, slave, and his dickish, libertine attitude.)

He is a noble though. This much we knew. He is privileged. Elite. He took without caring and doled out where he saw fit. He was your stereotypical rich boy-- or that's the vibe he gives off. He doesn't give off 'I earned my way into power' like Gortash does. He gives off 'I was born into privilege and I'm making it everyone else's problem.' He's educated and very savvy with language in a way that those of higher education access learn to be. He is well spoken and snubs his nose at 'lessers' in a way you see the wealthy do so casually. He was likely living a life of luxury and emerging into his own life in an Elon Musk-esque sort of evil powergrab. He might've always been a pesky little troublemaker, but he very much has 'I'm rich and I don't care about you' vibes, even beneath all of the trauma. This did not develop from Cazador. This was preexisting.

He was young. He was impulsive and dumb. He never had a chance to emotionally mature. It's entirely possible that, had he been left alone, he might've blossomed into a better person. But do not be mistaken, he was a bad person. Honestly, it's more possible to me that he would have just become another corrupt patriar with the city in his coin purse. Either way, fate played him a different hand than the one his birth had decided on.

You are told that he is a magistrate back in the city, which is true. When you play his origin story, you get options relating to it and it's actually been referred to a lot since the EA. He absolutely was some form of up and rising politician seeking power. A man with high ideas of himself, libertine proclivities, a self-centered attitude, and very much not a good person. Probably not horrible or sadistic for fun to the degree he is now, but definitely spiraling that way with the path he was on. The seeds had been planted already before any of his trauma happened.

I assume he wasn't quite important enough that his death would cause an uproar, but probably an impudent little upstart with his eyes on high political power just getting his bearings in the political world with help from mommy and daddy. The kind of petty asshole who abuses any authority he gets and doesn't care who or what gets in his way because he has some shit to prove and a life to live, everyone else be damned. That kind of person. He had ideas and ambitions, and is probably very open to corruption from the get-go. The kind of politician that dies in the street and people go "Hmm. Shame." and move on because they weren't anything special or grand. Just another corrupt asshole getting what they deserved. Another rich daddy's boy brought to the knife by the populace.

He was mourned. Someone missed him. But it wasn't the people of Baldur's Gate. That's for sure. He was forgotten before he became a true problem. Killed and stemmed. Just. Another. Cruel politician. Just another bastard with a big head. Just another.

In short, he definitely made some enemies and had drawn the wrong sort of attention during his time as a magistrate. Being the peacocking, lovely, arrogant young man he is, I bet he'd managed to make more people unbelievably pissed off than any sort of admiration, which normally for the rich isn't a problem, but... when it is, it really is, as you can see.

Even in the EA, he is very open with you tells you that the Gur, likely unhappy with a recent ruling he made, jumped him and murdered him in the street and you can let him kill the hunter. Thing is, Gur are not a violent people. If they attacked him like that, he did something to warrant it. It had to have been pretty nasty for it to have that consequence. The main difference is in the EA (later, of course, but still) you can find out that it was not Cazador that sent the Gur hunter. In fact, it was someone different entirely. I think it was someone named Maiden Fel or something. I do not remember. They likely switched it up. It was not the Gur looking of their own volition originally, but neither was it Cazador. But the EA was also slightly disjointed and broken so it's hard to tell what was canon at the time.

Astarion, in his shitty early days, isn't shy about his slight racism. He seems to dislike everything that isn't human or elven. It's entirely possible he had racial/cultural biases against the Gur and ended up pulling a ruling that was extremely unfair. It would be fair for them to seek retaliation.

This is never officially elaborated on as far as I know, but I do honestly believe that Cazador was almost more coincidence than anything. He saw a young, beautiful boy and went "Hmm... useful." He smelled blood in the water and saw someone that wouldn't be missed and offered them eternal life, knowing this silver-haired young man would be foolish enough to grasp it. He probably reeked of privilege. He would take it with open arms and without asking why or what for because that is what he was used to. Privileged people do not ask. They take. Cazador knew this.

(The point of me running through his past is to point out that not everything can be blamed on his trauma. He was at least kind of a bastard before this ever happened. And both EA and release have the similar trauma background almost identically.)

As we know, Astarion died that night. In the street. In a puddle of his own blood. He was scraped off the cobblestone and thrown into the cemetary, where he emerged the next night to his new life-- to Cazador. He didn't die. Astarion the Magistrate died. But Astarion, the stuck up, pompous, selfish asshole very much did not. In fact, that very same noble was forced to swallow a taste of his own medicine-- and it was a bitter fucking pill.

It made him worse. Trauma doesn't always make you soft and sweet. Sometimes, trauma makes you hard and cruel and angry and spiteful. Sometimes it doesn't make you apologetic; it makes you venomous. It makes you a spitting cobra rather than a loyal, empathetic puppy.

(Notice all I say about projection) Honestly, for me, it's nice to see that representation. Because my trama did not make me kind. It made me hurt. And it made me angry. And it twisted my mind into ways of thinking that I do not like. And you almost never see that. You see a lot of people who are kind and soft and gentle, but you don't often see those of us that were ripped apart and never managed to sew back together right. We do not bend and break our back and twist our tongues for others. Sometimes we are hurtful and mean and things that people paint as evil. Sometimes you grow claws rather than thick skin. Sometimes you grow fangs rather than a bigger heart.

So, more in line with the actual question, they very much did change up his arc. He was meant to be much more manipulative and shitty. It was datamined in the original script, I believe. That much was confirmed way earlier in the early access. But more or less, they went 'Hey, maybe we shouldn't write such a vapid dumbass character because it doesn't fit with the theme of 'complexity' we're working with here. Maybe we should make him more rounded. Maybe we should make him a person.' His story had been mostly mapped, but his character hadn't quite yet. And I'm glad they did.

Having him be a vacuous, shitty stereotype would have been a massive disappointment, especially in a game that is so deep.

Here's the bit though:

It is a CONSTANT throughout the game, EA and release; Astarion very much is an asshole. He is throughout the entire game. He can get better, but he's a dick. No two ways around it. His trauma didn't make him terrible, he very much already was a selfish person who ended up getting stunted. He learned to lie and manipulate to survive, but he wasn't a sweet boy when this happened to him. He was a 'bad' person who had something horrible happen to him that opened up his body and made him defensive and cruel, because he believes the world is cruel and indifferent to suffering, which goes in line with his earlier pre-kidnap thinking of 'Who cares?' It made him bitter for sure, but he already had those ways of thinking. He didn't care who he hurt. He didn't care about anyone. That's the entire bit with 'libertines' and the elite. He was already bad; it made him worse.

He was a fucking jackass. But notice I don't say evil.

He is not a character that empathizes or sympathizes well. He doesn't care what others are going through unless you teach him to, and even then, he is still learning. He is capable of trying if you steer him there. But in general? He rejoices in cruelty, being a general nuisance, being selfish, being power hungry, and being self serving. These are not solely trauma traits. These are not all defense mechanisms, though they can be. Astarion is a rounded character that is complex but right now is not the stereotypical 'uwu sad baby' shit that people love to do to him either. They made him relatable. Gave him tragedy. And people love to latch on to that to paint us as these pathetic babies incapable of our own thoughts who need to be coddled and babied and defended.

From EA, they made him more rounded. They made him less cartoonishly gimmicky. He's still a very selfish jerkoff, but he is scared, and vulnerable, and they made a point to emphasize that. He is not just evil hot vampire. He is scared, vulnerable, rude, pompous, arrogant, selfish, terrified, traumatized, angry, subdued--

and the list goes on. He is a person. He is a relatable person. But these traits he respects in the beginning? Selfishness? Greed? Self-serving? These are traits he admired before that were amplified by his trauma. These are traits that we condemn as a human race, but we still hone and harbor. These are things we have and we see and we experience day to day.

And that is why it is so easy to judge him and condemn him and try to paint him in black or white and call him banal morality labels like 'good' or 'evil.' It's part of why we have these arguments over his EA versus now. Because you see these good/bad things and immediately need to justify your love or hatred for him and defend or condemn him because you hear them and go "No! Wrong! I know he's selfish but he's not evil and--" and all of those other posts we love. People struggle with nuance. That is why it is so easy for people to make these videos defending their views. They grab keywords and examples and go "See!" and show little tiny snippets instead of an entire person. Hell, we do it in real life too. We point out one facet of someone's life and judge and condemn them based upon it. With Astarion, we see so much more, but even then, people still struggle.

People have real experiences with these values. People have personal feelings and judgments based on those things. They feel a need to analyze it, but most people do not know how. They cannot say "No, I just don't like him" or "Yeah, I enjoy him" and leave it at that. Similar to how I'm ripping this open right now. And I'm not condemning anyone. Clearly I'm going on a tangent right now over it. It's fun to do. But people feel like it's necessary. Like they have to.

In those comments, someone points out that media literacy is dead, and I'm inclined to agree. Everything is black and white and must be tucked into neat little boxes that are easy for people to digest. A bad character is a bad mean evil irredeemable character. A good character is a good character that behaves good and does things we expect from good people. Humans are no longer humans. They are not complex. They are not nuanced. They are one dimensional creatures to be judged and executed. That is why people struggle so hard with games this well written. Because it is not that simple. It is not in real life and it is not in the game.

Also in the comments here, it seems like everyone is arguing over a nonissue. It seems to stem from the fact that there's a lot of discourse over liking a bad character. People feel like his newer design is 'justified' and even though he is 'a jerk,' he is not 'irredeemable.' The entire thing is asinine.

No one deserves redemption. That is the fucking point of redemption. That is the entire whole ass point. Someone who does not deserve it working to redeem themselves. If you deserve redemption, you don't need it. If you need it, you do not deserve it. People forget that.

I see this a lot. People demonizing others who enjoy complex or more nuanced characters that are not wholly good. People saying characters are irredeemable and terrible and if you like them, you're a bad person. If you like villains, you clearly relate and you're a bad person. If you like this person, you're just like them and must be condoning their actions.

It's so fucking stupid. I see it with books too. People jump on protagonists because they think the term 'protagonist' means hero, and people conflate the two. I could go on a whole (new) tangent about this, but the point is people are incapable of processing that now, because we've really muddied the waters with morality and we use shame rather than critical thinking. We operate off of gut instincts like 'disgust' and 'hatred' and instead of thinking about shit, we just shove it away and condemn, condemn, condemn.

A natural consequence of this is people jump like dogs to twist that character they love or hate into a victim or something beyond their actual story. They will jump through hoops. They will do whatever it takes to avoid the stigma of being a 'bad person' in the eyes of some internet tiktok teen with a billion followers or some tumblr mom because they have been raised to believe that makes them a bad person and they will deserve the ostrasizing they get. They will be bullied and driven from the internet and sent anons until they go into fucking hiding. It's not okay to just enjoy something anymore. You have to justify it to some asshole. You have to break it open and twist it and defend it or burn it. You can't just exist.

People project. And holy fuck, have they projected on Astarion. It's another natural consequence of having such an incredible, well written character. People see themselves in him. In fact, people see themselves in him so much that they inadvertently take away his agency again in an ironic twist because people with similar feelings or experiences feel like they 'get' him better and therefore have more say over a fictional character than the character himself, the person who wrote him and the man who brought him to life.

My point with all of this nonsensical and unrelated bullshit rambling is that I loved Astarion in the EA and I love him more now. I would have loved him if they left him 'evil' but kept him rounded. His ascended ending is him falling deeply into his worst instincts for control coupled with his entitlement and need for safety. His spawn ending is him relenting and accepting and trying to be better within reason. He will always be Astarion. But he can make efforts to be better-- or worse. But he is always Astarion, and Astarion is decadent, and a bit of a jerk, and a stuffy noble elite with standards. He will always be like that. He will always be Astarion. He probably does better there with someone to babysit like Tav, but even a single spawn Astarion made great strides and effort.

I think we take that for granted a lot. We get people all up in their feelings and lashing out at people who like one ending or the other. We have people calling other people horrible people for trusting Astarion in the end of his spawn ending instead of coddling him and taking his fuckin' free will away again. We have people throwing food like kids in a cafeteria and it feels like no one slows the fuck down and wonders why they feel that way.

I like Astarion because he's an incredible character. I like him more in the release because he's more developed. He feels real. He feels like me. (See, projection.) I get it. People are not always pure good or pure evil. These are words we made up because we're an idiot little species that needs to categorize, same as why we name shapes and traits. But I liked him evil too. I just liked him. He just interested me. I always liked him.

He feels better in the release. More fleshed out. Less foreboding and more understandable. He's not Viconia from BG2 who is basically just there to be an evil temptress for 'hehe evil' characters. But guess what? It's totally fine if you wanna engage with him that way! If you don't like him, or you don't want to bother with making him better, you don't have to. If that's all you want to do, then hell yeah, baby.

At the end of the day, he is a model we can use to dissect ourselves. He can help us understand how we view complex issues. But it gets frustrating when people highjack it with an absolutely egregious misunderstanding of the story. Like things are so simple, you know?

In the EA, he was cool. He was really cool. But we didn't know much about him other than 'hehe evil.' We didn't know much about anything, and man, did we like to theorize. I can remember doing it years and years ago before the fuckin' game came out. But ultimately, it was always a projection of ourselves. What we wanted. What we saw.

They made him a more fleshed out being. They filled in the blanks. He is an arrogant fucking asshole, and he is rude, and entitled, and pompous, and cruel, and self serving and greedy and all of that 'evil' shit, but he is also human. He is capable of deep and profound love. He is capable of caring. He is capable of so much. He can be selfless and loving and caring and gentle. He can be genuine and honest. These traits do not define him unless he chooses to cling to them-- and he only does if he does not learn. And when he doesn't learn? He loses himself and fills his destiny of being the wretched, terrible perpetuator of abuse both on the populace and you. And that was the point. That happens when you lose yourself and give in to fear. It can happen to all of us. And sometimes it does.

But it really also isn't that deep, in the same breath. If you like the ascended ending which is a bit more in line with his original origins, so what? It's a cool ending. It's neato. It still has a clear and blatant message, but it's a fucking video game. Do what you like. If you think it's hot? So what? If you just enjoy the goddamned doomed narrative? So?

Not everything has to be a trial of who you are as a person. Not everything is that deep. Sometimes the answer is as simple as 'shit is cool' and it ends there. If other people look deeper into it, that sounds like a 'them' problem. That's their need to justify. That's their desire. Both EA and release are fantastic. Some folks have preferences. I liked both.

He's my boy. I love him for who he is and what he has done for me. And I'm grateful I got to see his development. I'm grateful I get a well written story with incredible characters. If people think he's wholly evil or good, that's their sack of beans, my dude.

#morgana and friends #astarion spoilers #holy fuck I really just sat here and wailed forever huh #I do not expect anyone to read all of this #I think it's my way of compounding my thoughts #nothing is ever simple with me eh

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