it's just me and my Homegoods' autumn leaf print in black microfiber blanket against the world

Diary Dump #2: August 14th, 2022

The dampness inside,

A quiescent abyss.

Teeth screeching - the dust

Stinging, burning within.

Its hot, sticky limbs

Wrapped around skin.

A brief death of the mind,

The slumber of the soul.

SUMMER

i just wanna live, now, care-free, responsible, in the moment, happy. i just wanna live and forgive myself, comfort myself when im sad, accept my feelings then let them go cause everything's temporary right? im really trying my best and i know. when im sad, i allow myself to feel it to the core. when im feeling unproductive, i keep on thinking: everybody needs their time. i need mine.

today i saw a video of a girl where she said she's doing her makeup because she's sad and bored. i wish i could do the same everytime i felt like this (most of the time). it's just that my brain decides to terrify me everytime , i keep getting thoughts of my skin getting acne, inflammation, and me actually contributing to it lol.

just for the record, cyber dump, im a person who does her makeup a lot. won't go out without it type of bitch.

but when i do it because of boredom or whenever im sad it just ends with me manically rubbing my face with cleanser soap etc trying to get rid of the 'damage' i've done to my skin.

anyway im high and words don't come out the way i want them to now, so..

oh, cindy!!!

Being self aware of my own mental issues isn't as helpful as one might think. I still can't move away of things I know do me no good. But it also comes from feeling safe in actually knowing what's going on with me. When talking about having "crushes" (if I even can call them crushes, because who knows if I'm actually capable of having romantic feelings) I know that I'm looking for someone who is ambiguous about their feelings towards me. I know that I need that ambiguity to keep my interest in building that relationship. I bet that that is't totally connected to my aromanticism. Because I know that nothing is sure and most likely I will remain with a platonic relationship with that crush, I feel safe. If I were to know that my "crush" feels something romantic for me, my mind would go crazy and afraid of everything.

So I guess I love being in this sentimental chaos because it keeps me in a limbo that allows me to have queer relationships and zero expectations.

seasons change and i read, write, and wait for something greater.

do not repost without credit.

learning to savour slow, winter, blue mornings

More old garmau :Oc but this time mcd

2023 dump p1?

12/30/23

tmbd compilation post 2 asdghj

apologies in advance for the reblog spam while i add the rest lmao this 10 photo limit is gonna be the end of me fr fr

dainsleif we all know you‘re a pessimist but it‘s alright, we still love you loads🙏🏻

shout-out to my Shakespeare professor who was one of the most put-together ladies i had ever met

i had her during 2020, so the end of the semester was online due to quarantine. but everyday, in-person or online, she themed her outfits around the play we were studying. and as much as i loved Ms Frizzle, when i say that she themed her outfits i dont mean this professor dressed like Ms Frizzle; if anything, she dressed more like the world's most Ms Frizzle-Like Version Of Miranda Priestley. this woman dressed in silk and carefully draped her blazers and wore pencil skirts or pleated pants with luxury high heels. she had the softest-looking waterfall of white hair i had ever seen on a woman. always had her nails and make-up done to match her outfits. i get the idea of planning outfits around Shakespeare plays seems a bit kitschy, but her wardrobe also screamed classic, wealthy silhouttes. she had a sun outfit for the Romeo & Juliet balcony scene, she wore all black for the mourning scene at the end of Romeo & Juliet; she wore an all white and silver-jewlery outfit to symbolize the moon in what i think was a specific passage of Midsommer's Night Dream and she also wore a green, leaf-print outfit with fairy-inspired jewlery for Midsommer's closing i think. it's been three years since i saw her and i have chronic memory loss (and my memory is all Bullet Points and no visuals, weird, i know), so the details are fuzzy, so i just really remember the overall impression and vibe; but i do have a notebook somewhere in which i wrote down notes in the margins detailing what she wore because i was so amazed at her fashion sense and dedication. like, even if i dont remember specific outfits that well bc of my own neurodivergencies, THAT'S how much i liked her outfits, i recorded them individually to spite my chronic memory loss (...i just need to find my Shakespeare class notebook lmao rip). but yeah, it was all very much what you'd expect a fashionable CEO of interior design or a television network to wear. she knew how to look good and relied on classic looks and silhouttes with that play-themeing. and even though i have been describing her to look severe, esp with that Devil Wears Prada reference, i feel the need to iterate that she's a very giggly, always smiling, squeal-happy, elderly woman with a very "Oh, I might complain about men in a generalized sense to analyze all the men cast in these plays but obviously I do not mean like the men in my class, of course not, you darlings are perfect, you're English majors, of course I do not mean you, you're special" Obviously Joking sense of humor (she made the same jokes about the women in her class tho, dw, her coy "my students are perfect ♡" jokes hit everyone she could aim them at), i loved her. she carried around a purse that was formatted to look like a Complete Works Of Shakespeare book; and for her introduction on our first day, she facetiously cuddled her purse with pursed-kissy lips and announced loud and proud (and with many "I can't take myself seriously" giggles) that she was a single, never-married woman whose closest thing to a romantic partner was The Bard himself

i just keep unintentionally remembering her as i myself spiral, thinking of all my chronic health issues and my combination ADHD-Autism and how my each-labeled-"severe" mental illnesses, my C-PTSD and Anxiety and Depression, means i find it hard to sit next to people sometimes bc their presence just feels so pressuring. like, i just feel stiff with my shoulders high and i am uncomfortable. it's only sometimes, but i still panic that-- what if on top of the flare-up days and the bad brain days and asexuality and caretaking and potential medical debt-- what if i cant even share the couch and need to get up and leave to go sit somewhere in private? doesn't that make me a failure somehow? do i maybe not want romance like i have hungered all my life for? am i too damaged or was i never made for it, or am i only wondering this because i am single? because it is a hypothetical, because i havent met someone yet? or would i be better off with a queer platonic partner, or maybe even no one? would my ideal future be me with no one? i felt so safe and at peace, albeit lonely but never debilitatingly, when i live alone. maybe i just need to meet someone i can feel safe with. maybe that person doesn't exist. maybe im not aromantic, but im just not going to meet any person like that, statistically. i dont think i am aromantic anyway. but would "the worst case scenario" (it isn't the worst, but the unloved parts of my brain likes to act like it is) being single forever really be so bad?

and the past day or so, i then think back to that Shakespeare teacher, who i am pretty sure is aromantic but either doesn't know or care about labels (and i feel like she might be because of her diction towards these men she self-admittingly had "very shallow" attraction to) as she is at least 75+ years old and identifies herself as a cis woman attracted (at least mildly) to men. she told us once that she's gone on plenty of dates, she's had men move in with her, but then she needs her space back because they breathe too loud or something else feels too suffocating, and now she's something-odd years living happily single and alone in her home with all her books and no loudly breathing partner around, and how happy she is with her life. not to mention how reading Shakespeare and teaching about him is all the partnership in her life she openly thinks she will ever need (which, i have my own inner qualms about her choosing Shakespeare of all people, but, sure, she's a Shakespeare professor with a doctorate in his plays, it makes sense she'd joke about hitching to his wagon alone and no Properly Romantic partners, fair, fair, fair enough lmao)

and it is so nice, even as someone socially raised as female (aka. still grew up with the whole "spinster, get married young, anti-aging" rhetoric) but identifies with they/them pronouns, to see a woman in real life be old and never-married and happy. all the women i otherwise know are either single and at my age (and almost all of them plan for marriage, or at least having a lifelong partner, in their future), or are women i grew up knowing that either are still married or were married. i never knew an older woman who was unmarried her whole life long (nor a man, actually? i think??), much less an older genderqueer person. and it's just really lovely to remember that even with the parts of you screaming "UNLOVED UNLOVED UNLOVED" to know there is still a future where, even if no one else has got you, that you yourself do. you can protect your own peace as you get older. and you can still be happy

it doesn't fix me automatically, of course. but it's comforting to have a real-life example like her to hold onto, to remind myself that even of "the worst" happens and i never marry: it's okay. that's a perfectly fine option. i'd be in pretty good company

COTTON CANDY

The sky tasted like honeysuckle nectar With a faint aftertaste of morning dew She rested her head on the pillow Warm strings caressing her face Still silence and solitude Thoughts embraced freedom Cotton candy stuck on her skin

🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸

🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷🌸🩷🌷

this is so silly (⁠っ⁠˘̩⁠╭⁠╮⁠˘̩⁠)⁠っ

greenwich dump!