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captainheartless · 10 months

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I got talked into writing again for this months carnival of aces. Let's see if I can figure out how to work Tumblr through this app! No promises that I'll check responses on any app anywhere, ever. Cross post.

For this month's carnival of aces, I wanted to reflect on how our use of the concept of sexual orientation has changed over the past couple decades, and how that's affected my view of orientation as a concept.

First, it's worth noting that sexual orientation, as a concept, has always been shifting. The model of 4 exclusive identities of heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, and asexual has it's origins as psychological diagnoses. These identities, even before asexuality was widely known, were meant to capture the entirety of logical space with regards to what gender someone could be attracted to. Asexuality was the last of these gender-focused labels, basically an afterthought we had to invent because the previous model (again, due to originating from psychology) assumed everyone was sexual (or, alternatively, asexuality was previously theorized as a lack of sexual orientation).

But because asexuality is a null answer to the "what gender?" question, it quickly lead us to develop other terms to describe our internal experiences that didn't revolve around sexual attraction to gender - after all, we didn't want people to think that because we're asexual we have no feelings at all! There were a couple ways to do this: 1) develop other types of attraction (romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, etc.), and 2) develop models of sexual orientation that aren't based on gender (i.e., demisexual, sapiosexual, some types of kink, etc.).

I don't know about everyone else, but I know I eventually felt unsatisfied with our attempts to develop newer and more inclusive models. In my younger years I still had a desire for totalizing systems, for a complete model to explain everything. It was also based on a desire to be seen and understood. But this was doomed to failure for two reasons. First, it's impossible to ever have a complete model. We've seen this demonstrated in the split attraction model.

Second, and perhaps more importantly, even coming up with a model to explain myself personally was always doomed to failure because I've come to realize we are all enigmas. We all have elaborate histories and are constantly carving and recarving that uncarved block of raw experience to create and define ourselves. But no set of concepts or identities will ever capture all of the nuance and complexity in those histories. As soon as we moved away from a simple (and generally useless) gender based diagnostic model of sexuality towards trying to use identity as a form of expression, we were doomed to failure. At best I can express bits and pieces of myself through long stories and bursts of character, but lists of identities will always feel like a taxidermied version of myself.

So how did I end up so disappointed? It was the desire to be seen or recognized in some complete sense, and the appeal to authority of a clinical/medical/scientific standpoint to achieve that. It was the sense that those authorities are the most "valid" perspectives. It was the desire to have a set of terms I could put on a profile - or in a medical record - to be "known" or "seen." And when I put it like that, it seems silly! The medical (and especially psychology) community has a long history of seeking to "cure" and "fix" sexuality. If they reject us, why should I care about appealing to their authority? And if they (or for that matter anyone else) doesn't have the concepts to see and understand me, why should I care? That's their loss; I can't write my life as a story for every single audience, nor can I expect every audience to get the same thing out of that story.

There's a different path here, which I've seen a lot of us travel over the years. Alongside this reorganization of identities is decades of queer theory and queer community organizing. Instead of trying to use identities as diagnostic, complete, and often exclusive descriptors we can recognize them as serving social functions. Identity can be an act. Identities can be signals of compatibility. They can be a way of trying to create a community with new norms, or with political goals. They can be signals for what kind of culture, community, and frameworks we are familiar with. Combining contradictory identities - or refusing to reveal or use specific identities - can be a way of speaking through contradictions and lacunas to try and capture the enigmatic nature of ourselves that escapes all the concepts we (currently) have.

So this is a long way of saying that perhaps my disappointment with the shifting use of orientation came precisely from the fact I had still internalized the norms they were shifting against: the idea that identities are diagnostic categories meant to capture and express non-social facts, the kind of neat homogenizing tools that algorithms thrive on, which also appeal to elite authority. What I hope we end up doing is something different: egalitarian, bottom up creations of communities, full of shifting and ambiguous borders, and comfortable with the messy and undefinable nature of existence. And I think whether we intend it or not, that's what we've been witnessing.

#carnival of aces #asexuality

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blackcherryvelvet0909 · 10 months

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Carnival Fair (Epel x GN!Reader)

Content Warning: Vomiting mentioned Note: Reader is implied to be the same height as or shorter than Epel

“Alright, next ride!” Epel grinned wide as his eyes scanned the carnival. “Where ‘r we goin’?”

“The Scrambler sounds fun,” Deuce said. He looked down at the small carnival map in his hands, little dots marking everything of interest. “That’s over to the right. There’s also that water ride over there,” he said as he pointed to the ride in question.

“That kiddy shit?” Epel scoffed as he smirked. “C’mon, Deuce, ya gotta have somethin’ better than that.”

“Well, when you guys are done bickering,” Ace glanced over his shoulder at you all as he walked away, “you can meet me at that coaster over there.”

The roller coaster in question was called Sunside Sweep. It looked fun, but you weren’t sure if you were ready for something so thrilling. You and your little group -Ace, Deuce, Jack, and Epel - had just eaten all that junk from the food trucks, and you knew it would come right back up if you went through even one loop. Ace would realize that soon. You knew you couldn’t stop him if you tried, so you just waved at him as he left. You scooted closer to Deuce to look at the map. “How about the little river boat ride?” you asked.

“Again, that shit’s for babies.” Epel rolled his neck, a small pop sounding from it as he groaned. “Ah want somethin’ that’ll be fun.”

“How about The Blender?” Jack piped up for the first time since lunch. “That looks fun - not too bad on the stomach, either.”

At least one other person was thinking of your digestive systems. You looked over towards the ride in question; you watched as it swung back and forth, the bottom half of its body turning as it went. Not too thrilling, yet not too boring. It was-

“Good enough, ah guess.” Epel shrugged as he started heading towards the ride. “But ah’m with Ace - ah want to get on a coaster after this.”

“Alright,” Deuce said as he folded the map and tucked it back in his jean pocket. “The Blender it is.”

You smiled and nodded as you walked after Deuce, Jack close to your side as you went. The aftertaste of cream soda and funnel cake still lingered on your tongue - so good! You hoped to get a little more sweets before you had to leave.

***

“You alright there, [Y/n]?” Epel asked as he eyed you curiously.

You sat on a bench in front of the entrance to The Blender, hunched over with your hand over your mouth. “Y-Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Your reassurance was ill received. Jack kneeled down in front of you, ears flattened against his head. “Take it easy, alright? Maybe we should stay off of the rides for a while.”

“But the carnival closes in two hours!” you protested. “By the time it opens again, we’ll have to go back to the college. I don’t want to-” You mumbled a groan as your stomach grumbled uncomfortably. You managed to finish your sentence in a garbled whisper, “I don’t want to ruin this.”

“You won’t ruin anything,” Deuce reassured you with a smile. He sat next to you and placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. “We’ve been out here since this morning - we’ve had so much fun. We can go back to the hotel if you want.”

“No, no,” you shook your head, “I’ll just…stay here for a bit.” You forced a smile as you looked from Deuce to Jack. “I’m sure my stomach will settle after a few minutes. I’ll catch up with you guys once I’m better.”

“Alone?” Jack furrowed his eyebrows at the thought. “I don’t like the sound of that. What if you get worse and need someone?”

“I have my phone, remember?” You held up the phone Crowley had given you months earlier. It wasn’t the most reliable device, but it’d get you through in a pinch. “I can call someone to come get me - and you guys can text me whenever you want!”

“[Y/n],” Deuce started, voice filled with concern, “we can’t just-”

“Ah’ll stay with them.” The three of you looked up at Epel, who now stood in front of you. His hands were shoved in his jacket pockets; that letterman looked really nice on him, you thought. “Y’all go on ahead.”

Your expression fell and you began to shake your head. “Epel, no, I’ll be-”

“That weren’t a suggestion.” He flopped down in the seat opposite you. He directed his next words to the other two present. “Y’all go find Ace, see if he still wants to ride that coaster. I’ll meet up with y’all when [Y/n]’s better.”

The two boys stared at Epel for a moment, as if trying to get a read on him. To your surprise, they made no argument - they simply nodded and smiled. Deuce glanced over at you, “We’re only a text or phone call away. If you ever need us, don’t be afraid to.”

“Yeah,” Jack affirmed. Though his smile remained, he looked you dead in the eye with his next words. “And don’t try and push yourself too hard. If you’re faking being better, I’ll know. I-”

“Yeah, yeah, you can smell it.” Epel waved Jack off and gave him a lopsided smirk. “Go on, get! Tell me if Ace vomits his guts up.”

With another nod and a chuckle from Deuce, the two turned and made their way to the Sunside Sweep. Though you smiled at them as they left, the moment they took their attention off you both, you frowned and looked over at Epel. “You really don’t have to stay here with me. I know you looked forward to this more than anyone.”

“Eh,” Epel shrugged his shoulders, “it’s just a carnival. Not like ah’ll never get to go to one again.”

That didn’t make you feel any better. You didn’t notice your frown morph into a pout as the guilt overwhelmed you. Your eyes grew big with sadness at the thought of Epel missing out on yet another thing he wanted to do. And you’d all finally managed to sneak him away from Vil’s eye! It wasn’t fair…

Epel glanced over at you - his expression fell as he took in your sad look. “H-Hey, what’s with the pout? Ya looked like a kicked puppy.” He smiled to try and cheer you up. “It really don’t bother me.” He poked at your cheek, “C’mon, buck up!”

You wanted to believe him, you really did…but your mind kept wandering to how excited he’d been the day before. He was the one to suggest the fair to you all; Epel had been the one up really early, anxious to go. You glared down at your stomach in a mix of shame and frustration. You knew you shouldn’t have eaten all that food…

Epel observed your current state and sighed. “Ahlright, if ya really wanna make it up to me,” he stood up from the bench, “let’s go on the ferris wheel.”

You raised your head as you eyed Epel, confused by the suggestion. “You said it was a baby ride.”

Epel clicked his tongue and scratched the back of his neck. “Well, it’s not that bad. ‘Ts not the worst ride in the world.” He glanced down at you with a lopsided smile. “That and, ah mean, if that upsets yur stomach, yur real bad off.”

You supposed he had a point. You glanced over at the ferris wheel, watching as it turned at a slow, languid pace. It looked rather peaceful…you gave a small nod as you slowly stood. “Y-Yeah, I guess it’ll be fine.”

Epel smiled, relieved that you agreed. He tugged at your wrist and gently pulled you along with him towards the ride. Thankfully, there wasn’t a line when you arrived. Epel reached into his pocket and dug out two tickets and handed them to the ride operator. They tucked the tickets away in a pouch on their belt before they led you up the stairs to where the carriages docked. There was a railing either side of the stairs for you to grab…yet Epel held your hand the whole way up. He glanced at you as the next empty carriage came to a stop; he glanced back when the operator opened the door and directed both of you inside.

Once safety tucked inside, sat on benches opposite each other, the operator closed the door. Seconds later, you began to move. You lightly gripped your bench as the carriage swayed as it traveled upward, pulled up by the wheel. You bit your lip to hold back a grunt as your stomach turned at the slightest movement. Epel seemed to notice your discomfort - within seconds he was beside you, hand rested on your knee as he examined you.

“You aren’t gonna throw up on me, are ya?” he asked, looking a little nervous at the thought.

“N-No, I think I’m fine.” This time, your smile was not forced as you looked Epel in his pretty blue eyes. “Thank you…for making sure I’m okay, I mean.”

“Well, ah mean, what didja want me to do?” he asked, voice laced with a small chuckle. “Leave ya there to die? I ain’t like Ace - I’m not an asshole.”

You let out a small giggle. “It’s still a little weird to hear you cuss out loud like that.”

“Ah know, right?” Epel leaned back and crossed his arms behind his head, his right leg crossed over his left knee. “Keep waitin’ for Vil to pop out from behind somethin’ and squawk at me for it.”

“Is he treating you better?” you asked. “Since his overblot, I mean.”

“Yeah,” Epel replied with a nod. “Still scolds me fer somethin’ just ‘bout every day, but ‘s not as bad.” He glanced at you as his teeth peeked through his smile. “He’ll even compliment me every now ‘n again.”

“That’s good.” You straightened your posture; you suddenly felt a lot better. “I’m happy he’s allowing you to be more free - more like yourself. I like it.”

“Oh yeah?” Epel now smirked as he uncrossed his legs and arms, sitting up before he inched closer to you. “What’chu like ‘bout me?”

“W-Well…” Now you suddenly felt nervous. His gaze was more intense than before, like he was trying to look into your very soul. Paired with that smirk on his face, he looked…attractive. Well, he always did, but…it was different. You scrambled to think of something.

“I…I like how laidback you are. You’re a lot more confident, too. It…suits you.”

“Mm, yeah?~” He inched closer with every passing second, so much so you had to scoot back along the bench to allow him room. “Ya like how manly ah can be? When ah’m out of all that frilly stuff?”

“What you wear doesn’t matter.” Something shifted in Epel’s gaze, but you couldn’t tell exactly what it was. “I guess it’s because you can be more…free? You don’t have to remind yourself of manners and other things; you can be yourself. I like that you can just be…well, you.”

Epel took in your words for a moment, as though to let them soak into the deepest parts of his brain. In those seconds, his expression had fallen into something akin to surprise - shock, even. Then, slowly, that expression came back, but this time the smirk was wider than it had been before. His eyes narrowed as he got even closer, so close your back now pressed against the wall of the carriage. The curve of the carriage’s body made your back contort to its figure. To do that, you had to sink down a little in your seat - to where Epel now towered over you.

“You know how cute ya look when yur all genuine ‘n shit?” Epel lowered his face down towards yours. “Real cute, sweetheart~”

Your heart pounded in your chest, a flush of red rising to your cheeks. You’d never seen Epel like this, so forward, so…hot. Hot was the word, yet you never dared let yourself think it. Epel was your friend, one of the guys! You wouldn’t let yourself think of him as something more, but now…now it was all you could think of.

“Tell me somethin’, sweet thang.” His lips were now beside your ear. Even at this angle, you could still glimpse that handsome grin. “Why do ya think I wanted to stay with ‘cha?”

“T-To make sure I was okay?”

“Ye, that,” his hair tickled your cheek as he got really close to your ear, “and because ah don’t want the other guys tryin’ to take what I want.”

Your heart nearly lurched out of your chest as the carriage suddenly came to a stop. In that quick commotion, you almost didn’t notice the lips that brushed against your cheek. But you did - you were sure your cheeks were as red as Ace’s hair. Epel suddenly scooted away from you, then pulled you back up to a sitting position. As soon as you sat up, the carriage door opened. In stepped Ace, who was led into the car by Deuce. He looked pretty bad, face a near green color as he glanced in your direction.

Deuce clumsily sat him on the bench opposite you and Epel, Jack stepping in behind him as the door slammed closed. You glanced out the small window on the door to see the ferris wheel’s operator, who looked a little too happy to leave you all in there with Ace. When you turned your gaze back on the redhead, you could see why: he looked ready to pass out, or barf, whichever came first.

“Da hell happened to you?” Epel asked.

“This is what five rides on two different coasters, with four sodas in-between, will get you,” Jack replied as he sat beside Deuce. He glared at Ace, who sat next to the large window of the carriage. “I told him not to do it, but he wouldn’t listen.”

Ace grumbled something unintelligible in response, though didn’t even bother to look at Jack to deliver it. He simply stared out the window, gaze a thousand yards away from where they were. Deuce simply shook his head, a sorry smile on his face as he patted Ace’s shoulder. “It’ll wear off eventually, man, don’t worry.” Deuce mumbled something under his breath as he took his hand off Ace. “Hopefully before Riddle finds out what you did.”

You nearly jumped out of your seat at Epel’s laugh bellowed out next to you. “What did ah tell ya?” He lifted his index finger into the air, “One braincell.”

“C’mon, Epel, give the guy a break,” Deuce said, though a snicker lay hidden beneath his words.

“Oh, like he gave me a break when ah dropped my lunch all over myself that time when ah-”

You didn’t hear that next part - you were distracted by the arm Epel draped over your shoulders. Though you smiled as the three continued to talk, and as Ace continued to glare and grumble (he even managed to flip the bird once), you were constantly aware of how secure Epel held you. He nary took his arm off you the rest of that afternoon at the fair. And whenever you’d peek over at him, he’d catch you - then smirk and wink.

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