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mcrheadcanons · 5 days

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Why I think Kobra Kid is autistic

- He doesn’t smile and has the same expression / looks grumpy all the time

Not saying all autistics are like this, but some are. The other killjoys seem to smile more than he does in photos but he always seems to remain serious or grumpy in his.

- He wears sunglasses all the time

Although the other killjoys have also wore sunglasses too it’s on an every now and then basis. For Kobra, he seems to live on that thing meaning he hardly takes it off and we hardly ever see his eyes. I have a theory this is because it’s bright in the desert and Kobra has sensory issues (meaning he’s more sensitive to light and noise) that’s why he wears them all the time as opposed to the others.

- He wears a helmet and likes to keep the helmet visor on as well

I believe this is because of sensory issues again. During gunfights the sound from the blasters can be quite loud or the sound of the bike when he’s riding it the engine can be quite loud as well. I believe Kobra is wearing the helmet because he is also sensitive to loud noises. The helmet is kind of like ear defenders helping him muffle the noise.

As for the visor, I believe that’s because he’s shy and socially awkward. He feels insecure so to solve this issue he simply goes around closing the visor so people can’t see him or his eyes (since he can’t make eye contact). I believe the “Good Luck” letters on it is to cover up his eyes as well.

Lastly the fact that the helmet has a smiley face on it also adds to this theory, Kobra decorated the helmet himself because he has artistic talent (his special talent and skill is in art) and also because he is socially awkward / doesn’t know how to communicate so he paints a smiley face on it instead so that when he’s wearing it and covering his face up it seems like that he is communicating and talking to them (if that makes sense)

- He’s terrible at using a gun and can’t shoot to save his own life

This could be because he is autistic and can find learning things difficult especially something as complicated as using a gun (this theory and head canon is based on my own personal experience of using air soft guns and struggling because I am also autistic and found it hard to learn).

The other Killjoys aren’t as bad in terms of shooting as he is but on the other hand he excels in martial arts.

- Excels in Kung Fu and Karate

Many autistic people have one thing that they are good at and for Kobra it’s martial arts. He is good at hand to hand combat although poor with gun usage. I believe Kobra is good at martial arts because that is his special skill and “talent” that’s his strong point, for him Martial arts came to him naturally.

I believe the other Killjoys aren’t as good at hand to hand combat especially Party Poison (Sorry Poison but you died first in Sing by getting knocked out and shot) so Kobra’s talent and strong point is definitely martial arts thanks to his autistic ability.

- Mikey Way said Kobra Kid was bad tempered, misunderstood and “aggressive”

These are all traits within autistic people. I believe that Kobra Kid is “bad tempered” and “aggressive” because he doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions so he gets frustrated and to other people who don’t understand him this can come across as aggression and bad tempered when really he just doesn’t know how to show it because he has a social communication disability.

Misunderstood because he is autistic and to other people who are neurotypical and don’t understand they just think his behaviour is bizarre, strange or abnormal (especially when he is walking into places with sunglasses on and doesn’t respond to people talking to him). Unfortunately as someone with ASD I also had this happen to me so I think that’s what Mikey meant when he said that Kobra Kid was a misunderstood character.

Anyway these are just my thoughts based on what I know about Kobra Kid and noticed - I know many people in the fandom have a headcanon that he is autistic already and I have to say I agree. Even though canon didn’t explicitly say that Kobra was autistic, they left a lot of clues that he was.

#analysis #my headcanons #headcanons #autistic kobra kid #kobra kid #kobra kid danger days #my thoughts #just my thoughts #personal #personal experiences

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rfaromance · 2 years

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tbh I'm a bit reticent to give neurodivergent diagnoses to characters unless it's like, very clearly the intention (which we're seeing more of over time in western cartoons and such) so at first I was thinking autism might be too much of a leap since Jumin and Saeyoung's difficulty expressing and responding to emotion can be related to their upbringings and personal trauma. like, I would always shy away from the chat options that tried to brush off his behavior as just "maybe he has ADHD" cause I figured that was minimizing his inner turmoil. but the more you've gone over it, I think you may have won me over. especially with the whole "neurodivergents understanding him easier." because like, I'm autistic and I relate to Saeyoung so much it's scary, and it seemed so obvious to me which options were the right ones in his route. like, you just got to be gentle with the precious meow meow ;-; so it's wild to imagine neurodivergents actually being able to read subtext better than neurotypicals in this context but it actually kind of makes sense.

Hey, that's totally valid! I can see why it may cause complicated feelings.

Unfortunately, in a lot of media (especially in countries where mental illness and LGBTQ+ are stigmatized) we don't get explicit answers or announcements. We get hints, and it's sort of a "if you know, you know" situation.

Many people (myself included) find comfort in relating to characters who act similarly to us, and often the next step is "oh, xyz is probably autistic/ADHD/depressed/bipolar/etc. just like me." It's a way to explain the connection but also a lens to view their character through your own personal experiences!

And nuance is okay. For instance, I see people who headcanon Jaehee as bisexual whereas I personally see her as a lesbian. Or I struggle to see the autism in Ai Miyashita (Love Live! Nijigasaki High School Idol Club) as easily as I see the ADHD.

Overall, the important thing is to remember that headcanons are headcanons, NOT canon, no matter how popular they become! And don't force your headcanons onto others, or make headcanons that directly contradict canon! (e.g., claiming Saeyoung is straight when he's canonically attracted to multiple genders; anything involving either of the twins touching alcohol because of how traumatized they are from their mother)

I'm not Cheritz, but I'm glad people seem to think my dissections of their characters (particularly Saeyoung and Rika) make sense. ^^

#thanks for the ask!#mod mumbles #ask to tag

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whumpster-fire · 3 years

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His Dark Materials Thoughts: Daemons and Disability / Neurodivergence

More stupid His Dark Materials thoughts and headcanons because I still can’t get over this series.

I’m really curious how various disabilities would interact with having a daemon. I’d guess that for a lot of conditions the daemon could basically fill the role of a service animal, especially if the person had the condition from childhood so they could settle in a form that was capable of helping - e.g. daemons assuming forms with strong senses of smell to check for allergens. And this would probably be true for some neurological conditions where there’s something physically messed up in your brain.

However, I think for neurodivergency, it’s different: if the human is neurodivergent their daemon is neurodivergent as well. And while a human and daemon are “one being,” daemons still have their own personalities and emotional needs.

Using autism as an example because I’m autistic and can speculate based on my own experiences:

Autistic people are usually very close to their daemons, even by the standards of the setting, because while anyone’s daemon inherently understands them better than other people do, the gap is much, much wider for ND people. Real talk, I think I was drawn to this series and the concept of daemons so strongly because the idea of a companion I could fully trust and interact with without the constant fear of breaking some unknown and unspoken rule and who fully empathized with me was something I wanted soooo badly.

A lot more sensory information is “transmitted” between human and daemon than most people notice because the brain tends to filter it out. Autistic people’s brains aren’t as good at filtering out “junk” sensory info though, and this includes what comes through over the bond between them. You can’t actually see through your daemon’s eyes but autistic people tend to feel shared sensations more intensely and pick up on things like smells and textures that a neurotypical brain would tune out (and this works in both directions). This makes autistic people more vulnerable to sensory overload than in our world.

Sometimes only one of the pair is verbal, or at least verbal with others / much more comfortable talking to others. If it’s the human, people tend to not notice because “daemons should be seen and not heard” is kind of the norm in the setting but if the daemon is speaking for the pair most of the time it’s seen as weird. Some autistic people may also be more comfortable talking to other people’s daemons than to the humans, which isn’t technically part of the taboo but it’s pretty frowned upon.

For both tactile-seeking and tactile-defensive people, the daemon’s settled form is often determined by the need for physical affection - either because as they grow into teenagers it becomes less socially acceptable to touch other people as much as they need to, or because the only touch that feels safe for the pair is with each other. A settled form doesn’t always follow the human’s preference, but is always a form the daemon is comfortable with and likes. Daemons settling in forms their human actively hates is rare, and usually means there was already serious conflict between them with the human refusing to accept their nature - i.e. sailors’ daemons usually take seabird forms or mammals like otters or minks that can stray away from the water, settling in a dolphin form was noteworthy for a reason because it’s such a drastic act, and IMO that was probably caused by the human trying to abandon the sea entirely and fighting with his own daemon about it until she was like “Let’s see you take us away from the sea now!”

But anyway: daemons don’t just settle in forms based on symbolism or social convention if it’s going to make both them and their humans miserable and/or mess up their relationship IMO, and usually they show a preference for forms similar to their settled one in the years leading up to settling (e.g. Pantalaimon clearly liked his stoat/ferret and wildcat forms and mostly took other ones for reasons of practicality and convenience, and I said this in another post but I think he became a pine marten because it was the closest he could get to combining the two). If a pre-adolescent human and daemon are super cuddly with each other and that touch is really important to them, the daemon will probably settle in a form that’s compatible with that. It’s rare for autistic daemons to settle as something as small as a mouse where they could only be carefully pet with one or two fingers, for example, and they usually take mammalian or sometimes avian forms.

Brushing a daemon’s fur, and other techniques such as joint compression that are hard for a person to perform on their own body, can help both of the pair calm down and cope with sensory issues.

Unfortunately, given how fucked up the culture in Lyra’s world is, I shudder to imagine how they treat neurodivergent people. I can totally imagine people treating this closeness as the cause of autism and not a symptom, and treating it as a child “being socially impaired because they only interact with their daemon / let their daemon do too much for them and never learn to socialize with other people.” Aside from attempting to cure autism with Intercision, there are probably a bunch of horrible, abusive treatments passed off as “therapy,” like forcing children to do therapy sessions with their daemon trapped on the other side of an opaque, soundproof wall (doesn’t interfere with their bond if it’s within the separation limit, but keeps them from seeing / hearing / touching each other), caging the daemon, muzzling them to keep them from speaking for their human, or even not letting them sleep in the same room.

Another common problem is parents / educators treating an autistic person’s daemon like a service animal and offloading their responsibilities on them. Just expecting them to handle something like a meltdown or panic attack by themselves because “You’re part of them, you understand them!” and ignoring that the daemon also has fears and anxieties and sensory issues.

Expectation: Your autistic child’s daemon understands them better than you ever could and will be able to quickly and discretely calm them down from a meltdown / sensory overload without you needing to get involved and actually do your job as a parent.

Reality: You have two autistic children who share a soul and feel each other’s emotions and pain, and one of them likely has at least one sense that’s way more sensitive than a human’s. They can certainly be a source of comfort and support to each other, and can pick up on each other’s warning signs and remind each other to use coping strategies / get out of stressful situations and not try to “push through,” but this is a skill that takes time and maturity to learn, and it only works before the pair are completely overwhelmed. As stated above autistic people feel sensations and emotions from their daemon extra-intensely, and vice versa. A full-on meltdown or panic attack is such an overpowering flood of negative emotions that, combined with the stress of whatever caused the meltdown in the first place, usually just overwhelms both partners, especially in children. The best you can hope for is whichever one holds it together a bit longer is able to help their partner into a safe place and ask someone for help. Even if the daemon (or human) doesn’t have a meltdown their emotional battery will still be absolutely drained for probably the rest of the day.

#His Dark Materials fandom #daemons #silly headcanons #autism #not whump

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deusluxuria · 3 years

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anonymous asked:

Stardust Crusaders + Holly dealing with/reacting to Jotaro have a meltdown, shutdown, or sensory overload?

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(content note: ableism, autmisia)

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Before Jotaro met the Crusaders, his mom was the only person who noticed the signs of Jotaro being overwhelmed and on the verge of a meltdown.

Jotaro didn't know he was autistic until his early twenties, but Holly was very receptive to his needs regardless. It was just a matter of listening.

It's hard for him when he has meltdowns around people who don't know him as well as Holly does, because he often doesn't know what he needs in order to feel okay again. He needs someone to walk him through it, offer suggestions, and not force anything.

He always rejects hugs from his father. Always has. Jotaro's father doesn't understand him at all, and is most definitely of the "why can't you just be 'normal'" asshole type.

Holly has always asked permission before hugging him, so he trusts her and knows he can go to her for support.

As a teenager and an adult, Jotaro doesn't hug as much. Usually it's only if he's upset. And he only hugs people he really, strongly trusts. (Holly, Kakyoin, Abdul, his wife, Jolyne, Josuke).

Holly could easily list the signs of Jotaro being overwhelmed: very tense, much quieter than usual, clumsy, more irritable, rocking back and forth, pulling on his ear or a piece of hair, checking his surroundings more...

Jotaro typically has the quieter, more internal meltdowns. He'll feel so angry and just kind of collapse in on himself.

If he's having a personal life crisis, sometimes he'll punch a wall or a door, with no other way to get those emotions out.

Jotaro becomes non-verbal sometimes when he gets upset, non-speaking and also not able to verbalize in any way, such as groaning or sighing to express frustration.

Holly noticed this about him since his childhood, and she taught him a few basic signs in BSL (British Sign Language). As an adult, he knows JSL and ASL, but the signing he learned from Holly is close to his heart.

If Holly notices Jotaro feeling overwhelmed, she'll ask only yes-or-no questions, and ask one of them at a time. She'll ask if he needs to spend time around people, or to be left alone.

When Jotaro was little, she noticed he would run his hands under the sink for a long time when he was stressed. So for when he had meltdowns, she started putting him in the bath and spraying warm water on his scalp while brushing his hair.

From something as simple as watching and listening, she learned how to care for him and be a good parent, instead of an antagonist seeing him as a burden or thinking of him as broken or possessed.

◇◇◇

Abdul is an empath, and he's easily overwhelmed by others' emotions and by tense atmospheres. So he can relate to Jotaro's agoraphobia and sensitivites.

Jotaro himself is high-empathy as well.

Mohammed recognizes when Jotaro seems tense and overwhelmed, regardless of how Jotaro might not express those feelings on the surface.

Mohammed can be a bit more forgiving towards neurotypical lack of understanding, towards himself and other adults. But he won't tolerate it when it's harmfully impacting someone like Jotaro, who Mohammed has seniority over (him being an adult and Jotaro being a minor) and swears to protect.

He's someone Jotaro can cry in front of. Just with the energy he has. Similar to Holly's energy, but not as coddling.

Mohammed wakes up at 4AM every morning, habitually, since his parents always did so when he was a child, answering the Islamic call to prayer that sounds through Egypt. Mohammed is Pagan, but he likes to listen to the call, and remember those very early mornings from his childhood.

After the Crusaders group had arrived in Egypt, Jotaro couldn't sleep the first night. He went for a walk early, and when the call to prayer started, he sat down to listen. He'd never heard it before and didn't know what it was. But it was beautiful and it helped him to cry, finally, for the first time during their mission. He had a hard time processing what was happening to Holly.

Mohammed went out for a walk, found Jotaro, and sat with him for a while. They talked for ages, Jotaro feeling more open after crying and getting those repressed emotions out. They both shared about how they find people overwhelming and they get stressed easily. Jotaro talked about how he was feeling.

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(I headcanon Kakyoin as having BPD.)

Kakyoin admires Jotaro and looks up to him, a surprising change to his own arrogance. Noriaki doesn't typically look up to others.

It'd be alarming for him to see Jotaro have a moment of vulnerability. But essential. The two boys are only human, and sometimes Noriaki forgets that.

Noriaki, like Jotaro, has very intense emotions. So intense that he has to do something physical to cope with them. For Noriaki, that means things like punching a wall or screaming. Jotaro copes by stimming: snapping a rubber band against his wrist, showering in cold water, putting ice between his toes, using a float tank, being hugged, or squeezing into a pressured space like under weighted blankets or in a dense closet.

Noriaki is a PLEASE HELP ME sort of meltdowner, and Jotaro is more LEAVE ME ALONE. On the surface. Sometimes it's vice-versa, sometimes it's much more complex than that.

I feel like Jotaro and Kakyoin might fight about how they deal with their emotions. Because of their lack of understanding. Not just about each other, but each about himself.

Jotaro would find Noriaki's emotions overwhelming at times, and be put off by his occasional spikes of odd behavior. But it'd definitely be internalized ableism. Jotaro would need to recognize that the both of them are seen as odd, and because of that, they have a lot of self-hatred. Which, unfortunately, they'd bounce off each other.

I feel like they'd hug a lot, though. Despite both of them being people who are extremely selective about who gets to hug them.

They'd be very close friends after learning more about themselves and about each other.

◇◇◇

The whole Crusaders group trying to help Jotaro with a meltdown would be a mess, and they'd make it worse at first.

To the point where Jotaro would just sit on the floor, cover his face with his hat, press his hands over his ears, and either groan or go nonverbal.

They'd just have to leave him alone at that point.

If one of them tried to ask him questions later like, "What was stressing you out? How can we do better next time?," the subject would frustrate him so much that he could only answer flatly with, "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know."

It was very difficult for Jotaro to accept and understand himself before finding out he's autistic. He thought there was something wrong with him, mostly from observing the way other people reacted to him. But things most definitely got easier once he knew.

#autistic!jotaro #jotaro kujo #headcanon #stardust crusaders #jojo's bizarre adventure #jjba #anonymous #answered #mohammed abdul #mohammed avdol #noriaki kakyoin #holly kujo

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ashintheairlikesnow · 2 years

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To that last anon, I thought you raised some really interesting points, especially on how differently society and fandoms, and by extension the whump community, tend to treat female characters compared to others. I'm kinda biased myself since I've always been drawn to reading and writing male characters (and lately nonbinary and every flavor of trans), but don't often feel a deep connection with woman in fiction. I guess a part of the way Nova is or isn't loved can come from that, but I think a big part of it is mostly from the way she seems "unsafe" to someone who is definitely a fan favorite. She is of course a survivor herself and, like Jameson, deserving of understanding for her mistakes, but maybe the fact the we never had a glimpse inside her head has a lot to do with it. I didn't like Jameson at first and I love him now because we got to understand his thoughts and feelings.

The closest we ever got to Nova was her therapy session (which was still not from her POV) and a couple really short bits way back in the beginning, so maybe that's why she's hard to relate to. But make no mistake, there's a bunch of Nova stans around here, I've seen them lol

About the whole infantilizing Chris thing though, my view as an autistic person is that it's both a complex thing and actually very simple lol. There's definitely an issue irl with babying disabled people and/or seeing us as babies/angels/cinnamon rolls too perfect for this world. BUT, I personally very much do just call every character I love "my child". There are characters ten years older than me (and a couple immortal ones with centuries to spare) that I very much do call my babies and a part of being a very invested fan is usually the whole "they can do no wrong! Murder isn't even that bad!"

So yeah, while the way other characters act around Chris can be discussed as possibly infantilizing sometimes*, I think the way we act about him doesn't have anything to do with his neurotype lol

*(I mentioned in a previous ask that this could be from having met him as a kid and their brains not updating the fact that he's an adult. Or that he needs help and support with some things that make him seem as he's being treated as a child when he's actually just getting the support he needs)

-🍄

Yeah, long before I was specific on Chris's diagnosis, when some of my regular readers were starting to ask me if he was autistic (largely because, in a lot of cases, they were picking up on stuff even I hadn't noticed was working its way into my own work yet!), people were already big Chris fans! He was adored right from his very first appearance.

I also think you really hit on a good point at the end when you note that he appears still very much a teenage boy, and that especially with nonlinear writing, it's easy to just kind of keep seeing him that way. And also, because he IS sunshine boy a lot of the time, it's easy to read that as 'childlike' as compared to the occasional cynicism or anger of the others around him.

I actually love Nova more the more I get to dig around inside her head. I've got some ideas on her brewing, but unfortunately have been far too busy to write much the last week or so! But I like her, and I think she's going to really find herself soon.

She was unsafe to Chris, for sure - but she is ALSO hurting, and badly, trying to find her way out of conditioned behaviors. She's fairly clear even when she assaults Chris that she's acting out the way she was taught to 'fix' the bad mood of the people who are important in the household - originally her Miss, and now Chris, Jake, etc. That mixes with her sort of latent crush on Chris (which is less on Chris and more on the way he seems, to her, like he's come impossibly far from being a pet) and just becomes a very dangerous combination... but not a malevolent one.

Nova is very complex - low-empathy but deeply injured and traumatized, working hard but taking the wrong direction with it at first. She likes the people in the household but hasn't figured out how to act around them quite yet.

She's not a villain, she's just not a perfect victim or survivor, she's a difficult one. So is Jameson. But I see a lot in them both that I love.

#nova asks #chris asks

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heraldofzaun · 3 years

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what are your thoughts on viktor and being neurodivergent? though like, obligatory disclaimer that if riot ever did come out and say that "hey! viktor is canonically [something]" that would be catastrophic but i think it is a little bit of fun for consideration

Oh! Well I like to think he's autistic, which is partially because I am too. (Of course in canon it would be catastrophic because haha, oh man, look at how they've treated Blitzcrank's biographies ever since they gave him an updated one. There's some coding in there, alright, and I am... not a fan...)

I’ve posted a lot of long posts recently (this is no exception) and this is also on a kind of tricky subject, so I’m readmore’ing it.

So anyways, while I have to admit that some of the reason why (my) Viktor is autistic is because I am - I think that you can make a general semi-convincing argument. Or I'm so wrapped up in my own interpretations that I can, at the least. Anyways, from here on out when I say Viktor I mean my personal take. Your mileage may vary on applying this to other interpretations.

(Also, thoughts on new lore Jayce's being kind of coded to be like, a stereotypical autistic dude? (If you have any I mean.) I don't like that Riot is doing it, of course, but I've seen a few good rehabilitative takes on it in fandom. @hamartio's Jayce springs to mind, because their Jayce has been developed over the years and also written by someone who like. Cares. Anyways, I have my own personal Jayce ideas that rely on his old lore so he's not really an asshole there, at least in those regards, so I don't really have many thoughts on new Jayce. I think new Viktor is... pretty coded as well, but it’s also insanely stereotypical. The whole “always working, always wants certainty, gets into automation not because he (primarily) wants to help those injured by catastrophes in Zaun but because the catastrophes interrupt his work” thing makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll write sometime on why the rewrite of his lore fails, in my opinion, to hit upon the same themes of his first - would that be of interest to folks? Anyways, this parenthetical is too long.)

I think that autistic Viktor is cool and makes sense, somewhat because of the fact that the ways he goes about solving his problems are, er, unorthodox. (Of course I am not saying that the GE is because he’s autistic, because that’s stupid. This is why I’m kind of squirrely about talking so openly about what I think Viktor’s got going on, and why I don’t really trust if a non-autistic person headcanons him as autistic. There’s a lot of room for that headcanon to just reinforce the “autistic people are supergeniuses with no emotions that work based off of Facts and Logic” trope, and I hate that.) Since a lot of autism is about feeling adrift from/at odds with neurotypical society, I think that Viktor’s general solutions and also his idealistic leanings in the face of everything Zaun is tracks for that. Roboticization makes sense as a way to stop suffering and death, because it’s more achievable than individual feats of immortality through magic or whatever. Viktor doesn’t really get why people would be so opposed to it - he’s made it clear that while he dislikes his own emotions and wants them gone, he doesn’t expect others to cast off theirs. (Maybe he expected that when he was in the thick of his emotional pain, mostly because he couldn’t imagine others choosing differently than he at the time, but not in the current day.)

Of course, externally, when the scary cyborg man who admits to cutting off his own limbs says “no, being a robot is cool, you can keep your emotions even”, any Zaunite (or any person) is going to interpret that as “he is definitely lying”. Viktor doesn’t quite make that leap. (I have thoughts on the whole Theory of Mind concept and I don’t mean to say that Viktor can’t empathize - he does, and does too much - with others, but I think that in this instance he just can’t quite understand sometimes why people don’t believe him.) He also doesn’t quite get why people would be so attached to the bodies that they’re currently in, especially if he can make a mechanical replica. Or why people might want to die and pass into non-existence after a life well lived. (To him, personally, there’s always more to do. Also he’s terrified of death but that’s another topic.)

I also think that Viktor’s empathy is of the hyper- rather than hypo- kind, partially because I feel like outside of self-advocacy groups the mere concept of autistic hyperempathy is seen as like... impossible? It’s also because he generally seems to be kind of an emotional guy in canon before Stanwick, what with the lore saying that “almost no trace of the original man remained” in reference to Viktor reemerging as someone without emotions. That, combined with the fact that he was described as having a “hope to better society” before everything went down, kind of makes me believe that he was a naive idealist type. (Again, not that autism makes you naive, but...) But yes, hyperempathy. Hence "no pain, no wars, no suffering, no death” being part of his ideology for the Glorious Evolution. He gets pretty ripped up about people being hurt, and it’s really only gotten worse over the years as he’s grasped the full scope of pain in the world.

Personally, I write pre-Stanwick-incident Viktor as someone who is still somewhat awkward with expressing emotion, but it’s not due to him not having them. It’s due to the fact that the ways in which he naturally expressed them and in which he interacted with the world were just... seen as odd/different/etc. (I don’t think Runeterra has an autism diagnosis or particularly excellent psychology, even in Piltover and Zaun, so he just gets the “you’re a weird dude” treatment for his entire life.) Stimming or smiling a certain way or talking a lot about his interests or, you know, the general autistic existence is weird to most people around him, as it unfortunately is in real life. So he’s more reserved until you actually know him, because he’s just masking all the time. (Fun fact about my Viktor: he’s pretty expressive under that actual mask of his. It helps to not have to micromanage expressions all the time when he isn’t experiencing a bout of flat affect due to [gestures vaguely at everything else going on with his mental state], although he sometimes feels poorly about not being able to manage himself. But that’s his issues, and I think it’s good for him to show emotion.)

Side note - Stanwick was able to do such a number on Viktor due to: a) Stanwick being very charismatic and manipulative, on top of being an actually smart man and scientist - he’s really a great example of a “good Zaunite”, in the sense of being good at being what the culture rewards, b) Viktor actively dealing with the death of his parents and Stanwick being an older adult who’d treated him kindly and had never seemed put-off by Viktor’s oddities, and c) Viktor not realizing that he’d get backstabbed, because yes he knows that that happens in academia but Stanwick’s nice. Whether or not the outcomes would have been the same if Viktor were more competent at being “a good Zaunite”... well, probably not. Viktor ended up where he did because of who he is.

(Secondary side note: Viktor has a very strong and very black-and-white sense of what’s right and wrong, as well as general black-and-white thinking. You can see how that would have... not helped in the situations he was put through.)

This is getting kind of rambling, but I guess the point of this is that Viktor’s wanting to remove his emotions may be cloaked in the language of them being “inefficient” or “unhelpful”, which would feed into autistic stereotypes, but it’s really more of a matter of them being too painful and raw for him to process. He feels too much and hurts too much, and no amount of positive emotions in the world will (in his mind) make up for the pain he’s felt and will feel. So it’s better to not feel anything at all, isn’t it? At least then you aren’t overwhelmed by it all.

Viktor just hasn’t fit in with Zaun for all his life, really. Not as an odd child who can tell you all about science-fiction and techmaturgy, not as an odd and reserved teenager/young adult, not as a bright young doctoral student still dealing with grief but trying to make the best of it, and... not as the Machine Herald. But now he’s given up on trying to fit in, for better or for worse.

(Other miscellaneous and less serious autistic thoughts on him: generally a pretty fixed diet, partially due to being autistic but also due to what’s easily available in Zaun + what agrees with his stomach. A fan of weight and pressure - I like to think that the reason his outfit is like that is that he finds it comforting, and also that he has a weighted blanket or two around. Special interests of general techmaturgy, robotics, and science-fiction. He can talk for hours about any of those, and has. Both his parents were mildly spectrum-y, his mother a little bit moreso, so they just kinda assumed that him being him was out-of-the-ordinary and a bit strange but not something “horribly wrong”. Oh! And his third arm, which is under a little less conscious control than the rest of him, still stims sometimes when he’s working or otherwise not paying attention to it.)

This was very long and jumped around a lot, because I find it hard to give a convincing paragraph-by-paragraph argument about exactly why I think that Viktor is autistic, or rather why I headcanon him as such. But hopefully it was interesting! I just have a lot of thoughts on him, as well as the general state of autistic-coded or perceived-as-autistic-by-individuals (both allistic and autistic) characters in media and so it’s very hard to do anything concise without branching out into discussing other topics.

#anonymous #headcanons | beneath the mask #//preemptive remark that these are my own thoughts on autism which are filtered through the lens of my life experiences #//as well as that of some aspects (emphasis on some) of academic research. baron-cohen can choke with his theories #//also i did not explain some terms here under the assumption that those reading would probably already know them. feel free to ask if not!

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thechangeling · 4 years

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The Fall

This is a one shot I wrote about my OC Gianna Blackthorn-Rosales, one of Kierarktina's kids. Full disclosure, I don't have bipolar, but I do suffer from depression and I did some research to fill in the blanks. Thank you to Halima and Ellie from helping me with the Spanish.

Tw for Depression and suicidal thoughts.

When Gianna woke up, she felt as though she was under water. Her limbs were heavy as if they were weighted down with led. Her alarm was blaring from her phone with zero sympathy. Gianna groaned and fumbled around for her phone to turn it off.

Shit. She felt like absolute garbage. Everything hurt. Everything felt hallow and empty like a great big hole had been carved out of her chest. Mornings were never fun, but today especially sucked. The idea of moving to get up, or even keeping her eyes open felt like absolute torture.

Gigi had recently come down from a manic episode and now she was sinking, unable to stay afloat. Not that she even really wanted to. Not right now at least.

That's when she remembered. Today was test day. Of fucking course. Testing day was when every shadowhunter under 18 had to undergo a series of skill tests, with weapons and also hand to hand combat. They were given scores based on how well they did and then those scores then were sent back to the Clave.

Of course it had to be today of all days. That was the problem with mental illness. It didn't care if you had a schedule to keep or things you needed to do. It just bulldozed it's way through your life, screwing everything up and then leaving you to clean up the mess.

Gianna grabbed her phone and typed out a quick message to her brother Nico.

I'm sick today, tell mama I can't do it.

Her therapist would tell her that avoidance wasn't healthy, but she would argue that sleeping right now was definitely the best thing for her. Unfortunately in fights such as these, the professionals usually won.

Gianna felt guilt and shame start to trickle in, greeting her like old friends. You're pathetic. You're a pitiful excuse for a shadowhunter. That's what everyone else is thinking and they're right. You're worthless. Everyone would be better of if you were gone.

Her phone vibrated next to her with a text from Nico. Gianna picked it up, already knowing what it would say.

Shadowhunters don't get sick. No one will buy it. Come on Gigi you need to try. He wrote.

Gianna fought the urge to scream. Try? Like she wasn't trying? Did they all think she was pulling this crap on purpose for shits and giggles? She was really getting sick of most people.

She was sick of her parents, sick of her siblings, sick of her cousins Ellie and Anthony even though they didn't get to see each other very often.

She was even sick of Anabla. Which made Gianna very scared. She loved her girlfriend but sometimes everything just became too overwhelming. Her father was always busy running his kingdom and whenever she went to Unseelie, many people always made it very clear that she was not welcome. Her father didn't even really understand how mental illness worked, but then again neither did her mama and papa.

Shadowhunters weren't supposed to be sick and neither were faeries.

Suddenly there was a banging on her door. "Gianna!" She heard her mother's voice on the other side of the door "¿Qué esta pasando?"

Gianna shut her eyes. Maybe if she pretended to be asleep her mama would leave her alone. It was unlikely but still. Her mother pounded on the door again. "Alleya!" She shouted angrily.

Well fuck. That was never good. As soon as her mother used Gianna's fae name, it meant that she was in big trouble.

"Ok yeah I'm coming!" She yelled back. Gianna took a deep breath and pulled herself to her feet.

I can do this. She thought to herself. It's gonna be ok. Just get though this then you can go back to bed.

She put on her gear and began to braid her hair into a faerie style. It was a personal tradition of Gianna's, to braid her hair like a faerie and pull it back so that her pointy ears were exposed whenever she had an offical shadowhunter event of some kind.

Outside she could hear the sounds of Shadowhunters arriving at The New York Institute by portal. Gianna and her family had slept over at the institute so they wouldn't have to travel. She could instantly hear the cheerful loud voices of her cousins, as well as her aunts and uncles greeting each other.

One big happy family.

Gianna could feel the aches in her muscles as if she was sore from a good work out. Getting through testing would be absolute hell.

But she would do it. She grabbed her bow from it's hook on her bedroom wall as well as her quiver of arrows, and marched outside to meet her fate.

The wave of liveliness hit Gianna like a truck. There were older shadowhunters gossiping and catching up with one another, while teenagers and kids of all ages darted excitedly around each other gathering their weapons and gear. She noticed her mama and papa talking with her tías, Helen and Aline. Nico was being bombarded by hugs from their tìo Jules and tìa Emma. Even though they were all on her papa's side of the family, her mama had no siblings. In fact she didnt have any family she was in constant contact with since they were all in Mexico. So at her mama's request, Gianna called all of her papa's siblings tía or tío as a way to keep her connected to her culture.

As for her father's side of the family, it was basically just a long string of "these people want me dead", so nobody was getting any names of any kind.

Then there was Kit and Ty, who Gianna called by their first names because they were so close. She had always felt better connected to them for some reason.

Speaking of.

She spotted them over by the corner if the room. Ty had his headphones on and Kit was hugging-

Oh great.

She was here.

Mina freaking Carstairs.

Wonderful.

Which begged the question, what was she doing here exactly? She was 18. She was supposed to be done with these sorts of tests.

Gianna watched as perfect Mina rushed over to great a screaming Ellie, who was her Parabatai, and Anthony and that was when it dawned on her. Right. Of course.

Mina had come to watch them.

The perfect supportive friend and Parabatai. Always smiling. Always ever so sweet and polite.

Yeah Gianna really wasn't a fan.

Nico would tell her that she was being irrational, and she probably was. But Mina Carstairs had always looked down on her with that familiar expression of pity and disgust.

It might have had something to do with the time Gianna had tried to steal Church during one of her manic episodes. Or the time when she woke Mina and Ellie up by blasting heavy metal at three in the morning while making brownies at the LA institute.

In her defense, she couldn't sleep.

Gianna knew lots of people always assumed she was doing these things on purpose. Like she was purposefully trying to sabotage everything in her life. That was probably one of the most irritating things about having a mental illness, being blamed for the things that you had no control over.

Being held to neurotypical standards was also shitty.

"You look like you're about keel over and die on us" said a voice at her shoulder.

Gianna whipped around and breathed a sigh of relief.

Magnus.

Gianna couldn't quite managed a smile, but she instantly flung her arms around him in a hug which he returned.

"Hey there little shadowfae" he cooed. It was the nickname he had for her ever since she was a kid. "Are you taking your meds?" He asked her with his head still resting on her shoulder.

Gianna groaned, lightly pushing him away. "Why can't you just greet me like a normal person? What ever happened to, "How are you?" Or, "What great weather we've been having lately!" She rolled her eyes.

Magnus looked sympathetic as he placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "I'm sorry Gigi. I'm just worried about you." He said softly.

Magnys was essentially the one who had jumpstarted her treatment, the same way he did with Thaís. He contacted Caterina, who contacted a doctor with the sight to get Gianna diagnosed, on medication and into counseling.

Her therapist was actually half Unseelie, half mundane. She was fairly sweet, and she and Gianna got along pretty well. It could have been a lot worse.

Gianna nodded, "Yeah I know. I am." She protested.

That was mostly true, although there was one week when she had gone to Unseelie to visit Anabla and forgotten to bring her meds with her. She was paying for that now.

"Everyone! Could I have your attention please!" They were interrupted by the voice of the consul. Alec Lightwood-Bane was standing in the middle of the room. Several members of the council were standing with him. "We will begin testing in five minutes! If all of the perticipents could please make their way down to the institute's training room. Thank you."

Magnus caught Alec's eye and smiled at him from across the room. He then sighed and squeezed Gianna's shoulder again. "Well. I should go join my husband" he said matter of factly. "Good luck little one."

Gianna managed a small smile. "Thanks Mags."

Gianna stood in place for awhile, willing herself to move. People passed by around her like waves moving around a bolder. No one played her a second glance, not her cousins, and certainly not Mina Carstairs. Her parents were probably busy with Nico.

The living room filtered out and then she was alone. Standing in the middle of the room with a bow in her hand.

See. The voice told her. You're all alone. You're always alone. No one really cares about you.

She tried to protest, tried to fight it but she was just too tired. And there was that old familiar feeling again. A feeling beyond exhaustion, beyond despair, and beyond hopelessness.

Inevitability.

The feeling that at the end of the day this is all that you are, and all you ever will be.

And there's nothing that can change that.

#tsc #tda #twp #kierarktina #kierarktina children #my oc #kaitlin'swriting

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tammyhybrid21 · 4 years

Text

Autism & Neurodivergent Headcanons

TODAY IS A SCREAMING ABOUT AUTISM DAY!

Because apparently it's just the mood, and well, not entirely Autism, but like-- the kind of characters I enjoy. And rule number one is Neurodivergent Coded, in one form or another... Which is mostly Autism, but not always.

So, let's talk about some of the Neurodivergent ICONS I love.

So first, I'm going to go back to my OLDEST, well, okay more like second oldest fandom. With Sonic, specifically Sonic SatAM. And the character who STILL to this DAY defines my taste in characters about 75% of the time.

So, let's talk. This character, I have... no idea how many pages of a sketchbook I have just filled with him. But this is Antoine. D'Coolette in the comics, Depardieu in the cartoon. And he was my first... well, the FIRST character I ever so whole heartedly latched onto. Which is projection and the whole nine yards of that mess. Hell I have old, old OCs who I made into his family and just-- yeah--

So, Antoine, he's the coward of the show, the comic relief and the joke that's picked on. He's also ALWAYS anxious, has special focus and interests and lacks even basic social skills and has issues with vocalizing things properly. Antoine, ticks all the autism flags for me, with additional anxiety. Along with just, massive underdog sense. You need to remember, this was MY CHARACTER, as a kid.

And he still is. I could talk for ages on all the little things that he does that are Autistic or Autistic coded, but that would be a WHOLE other big giant post, and we're not really here for that, but just screaming briefly about Characters I love who're definitely ND

Meanwhile still on Sonic.

LOOK AT THIS ADHD ICON!

Like look! Look! The simple fact is, this is the first truly Nurodivergent ICON form of Sonic we have seen! And I mean that, before and always he was just-- fast. But have you watched the MOVIE?! And okay, there are jokes in the comics and even in the cartoon, but those were always really brief and not enough but Movie Sonic?! Like, this is the baby Sonic! This is definitely ADHD Sonic! This is the TRUE BLUE!

Although I will miss the old school Sonic from SatAM, I will not miss him being rather mean spirited towards my Autism Icon of a character. Which seriously, I have-- many complaints about SatAM on rewatching it as an adult, but one of the biggest is just generally how mean spirited Sonic is... as an aside though, I do still appreciate the series and wish that it got the completion it deserved, and Archie doesn't count.

ALSO BONUS.

Without further comments.

The og ADHD "Sonic". Also Sonic Underground has its charm and place FITE ME!

Soooo, we all know, ALL KNOW! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS AUTISTIC! But I would also, like to just make some comments in general about Sans. So let's lump the Skelebros together and talk about them. Papyrus is the obvious Autistic Icon! In so, so many ways, and damn it, I also have many, many comments to make on the who is older debate, but number one-- I want to talk about something in regards to Sans.

The general image we all have in the fandom is depression, but I would also like to raise Anxiety. And it's all subtle. But both the brothers are not neurotypical and people can FITE ME! I will counter with examples from the game and even some of the characterizations that you yourselves write people!

Also, on anxiety, we get a very small glimpse, but I think Papyrus has it as well, and that's just sad...

Benjamin Tennyson from his series by the same name. ADHD ICON! Also, the best kid with Aliens on his wrist, but only up to the end of Ultimate Alien and we do NOT talk about the retcons in Omniverse and beyond...

But Ben is not just ADHD, I have a missing half complete rant about Benjamin here and Autism, but I will cite Sumo Slammers as the BIG THING! Like do you know how many episodes of the Original series had him just-- deviating from the plot because THIS IS MY SPECIAL INTEREST! Like, that's big, and even grown up-- and he has routines and places that matter to the HEIGHT OF IMPORTANCE! That might be stupid to a casual observer, but for me. Yep.

Icon!

Also just like, who doesn't want to have aliens at their fingertips, tell me?!

And the whole Uchiha Clan in general. And since this is a topic I've ranted on multiple times, I don't really think I need to talk about it again, just go dig through my Naruto tag, or my Autism one... or both, I don't really care. But this whole clan is one big Autistic Family. Also obvious from this series...

And the Number 1 Knuckleheaded Ninja himself. At least pre-shippuden and early on the boy is the ADHD icon! Actually, honestly, all Uzumaki are-- Again, this isn't something I really need to talk about, but I will complain a LOT about how badly Naruto was handled, and I do have many half finished angry rants about how they lost his empathy and it became so self-centered and just--

This boy annoys me beyond belief due to how it was handled.

For some amusement, I'll be honest-- there is only one member of Mystery Incorporated who I don't think is Neurodivergent, and no-- it's not the dog.

No but seriously. I have-- many, many feelings on this show, most of them really honestly too much for me to honestly put into enough words. But on the whole, one of the big things in NOBODY HERE FEELS TYPICAL! They're all neurodivergent best friends aside one single member, and I have many emotions and feelings, and just-- they're so, so good.

Shaggy definitely has some kind of anxiety, Freddy I have a whole rant somewhere about how he's Autistic, Velma gives off some MASSIVE OCD vibes, particularly when faced with challenges to her boxed world-view and while we could debate that to Autism-- not really... Scooby like Shag, has anxious, but he's also a Great Dane--

And Daphne minds them all!

I will also fight you on Vivi! Of course everyone already knows Arthur and anxiety-- but Vivi is SO Autistic/ADHD herself! Like you don't understand!

AND I CAN AND WILL SCREAM MORE ABOUT THESE TWO AS WELL!

Like! I do not think people yet understand! I am THIS CLOSE to digging more into the movies to see if I can find points for Sara and even Tiffany for being Autistic, but these two are the CLEAR AND OBVIOUS Cases! AND I LOVE THEM! Like, Tadeo took a while to grow on me, he's actions in the sequel are... well... But I do not think I could scream more about how clear these two are as Autistic Icons.

ESPECIALLY MUMMY!

Who's not just Autistic but confirmed as Asexual and nb!

Unfortunately I have a less than happy rant about Tadeo coming up, but right now! Let's just appreciate the sheer Autism this series has on display with not one but two characters the fandom can point out the signs in!

Not Autism surprisingly, but I would like to make an aside here for Héctor! For all I relate and ADORE Héctor! It's not Autism that he flags as. Not at all. I mean we can argue about it, people can have that headcanon, but I am firmly over here like, for all those signs there are some BIG things missing for that to click into place. And I do have a piecemeal rant in the process of being made--

But for now.

Héctor Rivera is the REAL ADHD ICON!

Inattentive ADHD, And he's such a GOOD boy for it as well. Like excuse me?! EXCUSE ME! This Papá may be distracted, impulsive and not exactly good at keeping details in his mind, or responsible with property or establishing boundaries but he's really, really a GOOD icon for ADHD! Also, contrasting--

As an aside as well, Anxiety.

That is all.

Miguel and Victoria though, yeah they're Autistic for sure!

Anyway... this is enough of my screaming, so yeah... just a small glimpse of those Neurodivergent characters I love.

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serialreblogger · 4 years

Note

Are there any good poetry books you've read? I'm trying to improve my own poetry

Hmm, I don’t know about poetry books bc I don’t really have the attention span to sit down and read a book of poetry cover to cover, but I can recommend some of my favourite poets!

Keats is, for me, the pinnacle of linguistic vividness--I like most of the romantic poets, because they’re all like that to a certain extent, but Keats is my favourite. Byron (mentally ill disaster bisexual extraordinaire, I relate to him on a spiritual level), Percy Bysshe Shelley (terrible human being but absolutely gorgeous poetry), and Samuel Taylor Coleridge are also up there on my ranking list, for sure, though Wordsworth is dead boring and doesn’t half match his peers for sheer beauty. (That’s too harsh. Plenty of people like Wordsworth. I myself still do appreciate “Daffodils,” I just find that he’s less to my taste than some of his compatriots. Like, “Michael”? w h y sir I am so bored)

Like, you can (I can, at least) practically taste the colours of Keats’ poetry, or Shelley’s, and Kubla Khan by Coleridge is exquisite (though literary elitists will argue over whether it really counts as “poetry” because it doesn’t profess to have some deep symbolic meaning--it’s just Coleridge trying to remember an opium dream he once had--but like?? It doesn’t have to?? It’s beautiful, isn’t that enough?). If you want specific poem recs, Shelley’s “Ozymandias,” “The Prisoner of Chillon” and “Darkness” by Byron, and Coleridge’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” are all eerie and deeply unsettling in the best way; for something less haunting, try “Ode on a Grecian Urn” or “On First Looking Into Chapman’s Homer” by Keats, “Ode to the West Wind” by Shelley, and “The Eolian Harp” by Coleridge (and, of course, “Kubla Khan” by Coleridge too).

I also love Gerard Manley Hopkins, even though it’s pretty much impossible to tell what he’s talking about on the first read-through of any given poem. But I mean, depending on how you feel re: religion/Christianity that may not be a bad thing, because he was one of those Catholics that are like “deeply tormented by the degree of my religious devotion (and how it plays into my undiagnosed depression and anxiety) but also trying to find comfort in that same religion” (...which may be a very specific description but like. young!me felt that). Regardless, though, even if you’re not comfy with that kind of Christianity, and even if you can’t figure out “as kingfishers catch fire” or “the windhover,” just--you don’t need to understand them? Like:

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame; as tumbled over rim in roundy wells stones ring; as each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name, each mortal thing does one thing and the same...

That’s just gorgeous. At least, I think so, so I recommend Hopkins. He also has some really good depression poems, but those are more explicitly “tormented Catholic,” so like. I’m not saying don’t read his sonnets of suffering, because for me they’re more cathartic than triggering most times--but if you want to steer clear of that I recommend still reading “The Caged Skylark,” “The Windhover,” and if you’re ok with overt mentions of Christianity also “as kingfishers catch fire,” “Pied Beauty” and “God’s Grandeur.” This has been an unofficial Best of Hopkins playlist recommendation by Linden.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning is a name you might’ve heard, but she’s mostly known for “how do I love thee? let me count the ways,” which is an excellent poem but also a huge disservice to her as a poet. If you’re interested at all in 19th-century feminism, excellent poetry, and/or willing to slog through a long one, check out Aurora Leigh.

Also Christina Rosetti!! A very cool human being and “Goblin Market” is like, a cult classic among a sub-subcategory of english literary scholarship, because it’s so creative and gorgeous to read and also such a revolutionary (for her time) commentary on female value and sexuality. Also 19th century, so bear in mind that it’s,, well actually it’s probably still revolutionary for our time, a little bit, in some circles. But it shouldn’t be, and it’s still certainly bound by the limitations of 19th-century expectations of femininity, so like, I wouldn’t hold it up as an example of modern feminist ideals, it’s just a v cool exploration of feminine sexuality, transgression and redemption in a society that was very firmly of the “once spoiled, ever soiled” mentality.

And finally we can’t forget Oscar Wilde. This is not strictly poetry but he had a similar gift for language as the Romantics--see if you can find a copy of De Profundis, the letter he wrote from prison. It’s, again, not poetry, but the way it reads will definitely help you develop your voice if you want to build in the direction of “vivid imagery without actually describing any images.” Oscar Wilde is an,, interesting human being to learn about, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t neurotypical; the way he saw the world was so unique, and sometimes that wasn’t a good thing re: how he treated people, but the way he thought and the way he described everything--it’s just. It may not always have been good, but it was always breathtakingly beautiful.

Sorry, this got quite long :P anyway I am always down to natter at length about 17th-19th century writers, and especially poets!! Unfortunately I don’t know much re: modern poetry, so if anyone wants to add more recent (or even, heaven forbid, still living) poets to this list please feel free to do so!!

**Also like!! I just realized some of this might come off as pretentious (“I can, at least”) and that is not at all my intention. If you don’t like these poets/don’t find their works as beautiful/vivid as I do you’re VALID poetry is highly subjective because it relies on minimal words to convey highly complex imagery and ideas, so depending on what associations individuals have with those words, every given poem has a different effect on different people. This is my personal taste but it might not be yours and that’s not a sign of superiority on either of our parts, it’s just how the English language and art as a whole works and that’s cool and okay!

#poetry #literature #poets #byron #coleridge #keats #shelley #shelley was a terrible human being imo but there's no denying the man had a GIFT for writing poetry #rosetti #barrett browning #hopkins #i LOVE hopkins i still think i'd call him my favourite poet full stop #oscar wilde #linden writes an essay #ask linden #hhhh i really hope this didn't come off as pretentious or condescending #i get really excited about things but sometimes that means i forget to check my tone #lmk if i'm rude anywhere here plz!

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acrosstheskyandstars · 3 years

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Book Review: Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Where to start with this book. I was definitely not a fan. This book was recommended to me by my best friend and my favorite Youtuber. I was convinced that I, too, would love this book. Unfortunately, this book did not live up to my expectations.

The premise of this book is that Eleanor is a 30 year old administrative assistant who lives the most basic boring life in existence. She eats the same thing for dinner every day (cold pasta with pesto), has the same weekly commute (stopping by Tesco every Friday to buy vodka), and doesn’t understand any attempt at non-literal speech. You may, at this point, be wondering if Eleanor was written to be some sort of neuroatypical representation. I certainly was. I paused reading to google it, only to find out that the author did not intend Eleanor to be neuroatypical at all. She has explicitly rejected the idea that Eleanor was written to be autistic. So now we’re left with a main character who is confusing and we have no reason for it. Yes, Eleanor has experienced childhood trauma (SPOILER: her mother set fire to the house killing herself and Eleanor’s sister when Eleanor was only 10), however her behavior seems unexplained by that. I can excuse the trauma blocking of her sister and the fact that she doesn’t remember that her mother is dead. Her depressive episode and suicidal ideation certainly make sense with a traumatic childhood. Trauma can do some very odd things to the brain. However, trauma does not make a previously neurotypical person behave as though they are autistic (the condition that is most speculated about in relation to Eleanor). If the author intended Eleanor to have some sort of mental health condition, like PTSD, she did not convey this through her writing. In fact, Eleanor seems to become pretty “normal” by the end of the book. Suddenly her coworkers care about her, she has friends, and she is mentally healthy. While these are all good things, the process of how one begins to unpack and process their trauma isn’t shown in very much detail. This leaves the reader with the impression that Eleanor was able to work through her issues on her own the whole time. She quits drinking after roughly one therapy session. The woman was binging 2 bottles of vodka by herself every weekend and admits that she was not sober at all from Friday evening to Monday morning for the past decade.

The thing that irritated me the most about this book was that every interaction Eleanor has with another character comes off as very stilted and painful. At no point do these interactions become charming, though she does become more tolerable after her mental breakdown. The breakdown in question is of course caused by the fact that she has convinced herself she is in love with a local pub musician that she saw precisely one time. Please note: she has never interacted with this man and he does not know who she is. She decides to get a bikini wax to impress this man that she has never met. Please tell me any other instance of a person doing this. Which brings me to the most painful interaction I’ve witnessed. Apparently some readers find this funny or charming. I found it painful because of how socially unaware she is. The idea that some may find her cluelessness funny is odd to me, particularly if they are reading her character as autistic. I’ll transcribe it here so that you can all feel the pain with me:

“‘Now then,’ she said, ‘what are we doing today?’ ‘As I said, a bikini wax, please.’ She laughed. ‘Yes, sorry, I meant what kind of wax would you like?’I thought about this. ‘Just the usual kind . . . the candle kind?’ I said.‘What shape?’ she said tersely, then noticed my expression. ‘So,’ she said patiently, counting them off on her fingers, ‘you’ve got your French, your Brazilian or your Hollywood.’I pondered. I ran the words through my mind again, over and over, the same technique I used for solving crossword anagrams, waiting for the letters to settle into a pattern. French, Brazilian, Hollywood . . . French, Brazilian, Hollywood . . . ‘Hollywood,’ I said, finally. ‘Holly would, and so would Eleanor,’…‘There,’ she said, removing the gloves and wiping her brow with the back of her hand, ‘now doesn’t that look so much better!’ She passed me a hand mirror so I could look at myself. ‘But I’m completely bare!’ I said, horrified.‘That’s right, a Hollywood,’ she said. ‘That’s what you asked for.’I felt my fists clench tight, and shook my head in disbelief. I had come here to start to become a normal woman, and instead she’d made me look like a child.‘Kayla,’ I said, unable to believe the situation I now found myself in, ‘the man in whom I am interested is a normal adult man. He will enjoy sexual relations with a normal adult woman. Are you trying to imply that he’s some sort of paedophile? How dare you!’She stared at me, horrified. I had had enough of this.‘Please, leave me to get dressed now,’ I said, turning my face to the wall.She left and I climbed down from the couch. I pulled my trousers on, consoled by the thought that the hair would surely grow back before our first intimate encounter. I didn’t tip Kayla on the way out.”

Every time Eleanor interacted with another person, it was this painful. Perhaps the height of her outlandishly bad social awareness was the scene where an old man collapses on the street and her coworker rushes to help. She is taken aback that her coworker wanted to help the elderly man who was unconscious on the sidewalk, and then also is frustrated that calling an ambulance throws off her evening plans (going to Tesco to buy two bottles of vodka to drink herself silly through the weekend).

Eleanor definitely needed help, and I’m glad she got it. Post-breakdown Eleanor was the best she got in the book. My main problem with the book is squarely placed on the character of Eleanor. She is unlikable, unrelatable, and frankly unrealistic. I think the moral of this story is that everyone can have different tastes, given how many people liked this book.

I’d also like to link to a post that goes into a more in-depth discussion of Eleanor’s possible autism and possible mental illnesses: https://penchant.blog/2019/08/19/eleanor-oliphants-story-and-why-it-doesnt-belong-to-the-author-who-wrote-it/

Check out my blog: https://acrosstheskyinstars818513457.wordpress.com

#eleanor oliphant is completely fine #book review #book blog #book #booktube #book tumblr #dislike #female main character

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adhd-sorcha · 4 years

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Hey, i also was recently (1 year) diagnosed with ADHD. And I'm considering going back to college, considering what to study next or finish my masters degree. Started thinking maybe I'll go to med school as this pandemic has really made me reconsider things. I guess my question for you is this..what are you studying and how has the studying been for both the phd and the research master's degree you have? I have a BS in psychology (only stated this for reference) thanks in advance. Good luck!

Hello! I’m actually studying a related field to yours! My bachelors is in neuroscience (though it also involved other biological fields and some chemistry and some psychology). For my the masters, I did research into Parkinson’s disease and the PhD was in the same. (Both were pre-clinical research, so no human patients involved)

I’m going to preface this by saying that I was only diagnosed after I started my PhD (I think around December? So only a few months ago!). It would be good to keep that in mind while reading this because my experience is very much coloured by the fact that I was not receiving any accommodations and genuinely didn’t understand why I was struggling. So, this may not sound too positive, but I like to think that it’s a situation that’s fixable or avoidable, especially if, like yourself, you go into your work knowing that you have ADHD. (Also, keep in mind that I did a lab science, so some of what I say might be a bit specific to that!)

I found my research masters to be a complete slog and, if I’m honest, did not particularly enjoy it. I did a one year MSc. It was all research and no classes. At first this sounded like a great idea. I had been starting to struggle with classes and exams in my undergrad from maybe third year. I put it down to being sick of classes. I now know that’s not the case. It was because my work was moving more to self-directed learning and modules whose grades were based entirely on one big exam and so needed a lot of study instead of smaller, more manageable homework type tasks.

A research degree is very self directed. With my masters involving no classes, my getting the degree was based completely on my thesis.

It involved: 1) spending hours at a time at my computer looking through data bases and reading paper after paper. 2) organising and planning my experiments. 3) carrying out those experiments. 4) being trained in on new lab techniques/how to use new equipment. 5) analysing and interpreting my data in the context of all the reading that I had done. 6) putting it all together in a nice neat document.

In other words: time management and self-regulation are key. Not easy when you have ADHD, even worse when you don’t know you have ADHD. I really enjoy lab work and analysis, so getting myself to go do those really wasn’t that bad. I really really struggled with the reading and getting the writing done.

I struggled and I didn’t understand why I struggled. I didn’t understand how other people did multiple experiments in one day and read papers in between lab work and wrote a few thousand words over the weekend while I was lucky if it only took me one whole day to read the main points of a paper.. I didn’t understand how everyone else could rattle off information on their research topic off the top of their head, while I struggled to remember the details of a protocol I did earlier that day. I felt like I was getting through my lab work very slowly and not as efficiently. As you can imagine, I felt like I was incompetent and useless and that everyone was better than me and that I didn’t belong working with them.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t resolved before I started my PhD. And a PhD doesn’t just involve research. It involves taking classes and often it involves assisting in the teaching and supervision of the undergraduates, as well as organising training on different equipment and then the assessments for all that training... It got very busy very fast and you have to do all that work yourself. I had one class that I kept forgetting to even go to because none of my lab mates were in it to remind me to go (and it was my only class whose mark was attendance based! Why brain??? Whhhhyyyy????). And, once again, I felt like I was far more inefficient and less-abled than my lab mates. Now, everyone was very kind and supportive, but they had their own work to do too.

It was a few months into the PhD that I found out that I had ADHD and that was only because I sought treatment for pretty bad depression and anxiety. I’ve taken medical leave to try to recover from these and I may even drop out altogether. But you know what? I still think a research degree in completely doable with ADHD! And I still plan on getting a PhD at some point.

Like I said at the start, it’s important to remember that I did this without knowing that I had ADHD. I had no medication. I had no accommodations. And I didn’t know to take it easy on myself. Most importantly, I didn’t know to ask for help.

My biggest advice? Ask for help! Or at least tell someone when you’re struggling. In my experience it’s a big help

I told my MSc supervisor that I was struggling with my mental health and that it was interfering with finishing my thesis. She was so understanding and it was so helpful in getting it sent off for examination.

I told my PhD supervisor that I had just been diagnosed with ADHD and within about 5 minutes he had all my lab work rearranged and planed out for me and basically told me that he would make the start of my PhD as straightforward for me as possible while I got a handle on everything going on.

Just before I went on leave, my counselor in the university was helping me get set up with the disability support services to see what kind of accommodations I could get (they could include longer exam times, more flexible deadlines for assignments etc...).

I told my lab mates what was going on and they provided more general support just by having people to talk to.

Okay, so my experience probably doesn’t sound like the most encouraging of prospects, but take it as a more cautionary tale. This was how not to do research with ADHD! If you go into your degree already knowing you have ADHD, you’re already miles more prepared than me! Especially because I’m now learning and beginning to accept that sometimes, for us to do well, we need to do things a little differently to neurotypical students. I used to beat myself up over things that I now realise were actually coping strategies (like, I’d have to write more reminders for myself than other people would or something like that) and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing those things if they help. The neurotypical way isn’t the only way. Sometimes I unknowingly did things in an ADHD friendly way and assumed I was doing it ‘wrong’ when what it actually was was just different.

I would definitely encourage you to go back to study if that’s what you want to do! But it will definitely be important to remember that you have a hurdle that not all the other students are going to have to jump over, so be kind to yourself, don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t be afraid to do things differently if you need to.

#answered asks #theragingbluwaffle #adhd #neurodivergent academia #sorry this is so long!#it's quite a wide topic for me #like there's the overall experience #and then there's more specific stuff like going to classes or whatever #i went with the overall #but if you want to ask anything more specific go ahead!#i got really stuck on how to end this and ended up rambling

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npd--bakugou · 5 years

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Hey, I saw your addition to the post abt Travis McElroy. I was raised by a parent who had NPD. He was abusive to the point that I had to cut him out of my life, and I was taught to associate all of his abusiveness with his narcissism. I don't want this fact to taint my perception of all people with NPD, and I was wondering if you had any resources that could help me and people like me better understand those with NPD. Sorry if this ask is invasive or triggering, thank you for your time.

First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your shitty parent! I'm glad he isn't being a drain on your life anymore. While having NPD (or any other disorder) never makes someone an abuser, the symptoms can certainly play into abuse. I really appreciate your coming to me for help instead of just going with what you've been taught: trust me when I say I know exactly how hard being wrong can be. I'm lucky not to really have any triggers that strangers can set off, so no worries on that front.

As for resources, unfortunately the pickings are a little slim. There's Travis, who's awesome. There are certain people on Quora who talk earnestly about their NPD that I can recommend you if you're ever on Quora, though for every one of them there's probably fifty neurotypicals who insist that they know everything about us and we're pure evil. There's tumblr and the community here, but that tends to be a bit insular, and furthermore spaces by narcs for narcs are often full of venting that doesn't make for a great first impression. They're like that because there are so few places we can discuss feelings without being judged (and also we tend to be a pretty edgy and dramatic crowd) and honestly I like having spots where I don't feel like a monster for feelings or lack thereof, but they're not quite as informative or inclined to make non-narcs sympathetic as I'd like. You're of course welcome to follow me, or my main, I've got a post kind of blowing up atm so I won't just be able to clock you the second you follow since I'm getting more followers than usual, if you favor anonymity. I can tell you about myself, and why a lot of us behave the way we do, and I think that's about the best I can offer you at the moment.

Primarily, the root of the disorder is that your brain, in response to early-life trauma, decides that you can't be wrong, and you are akin to a deity. That's why a lot of us will get upset and irrational if we get called or criticized on something, even something small, because being wrong is awful and having someone else know about it is worse. It involves this public persona where everybody needs to think you're perfect all the time because otherwise you'll have to consider that you're not. Forming attachments can be hard, but you need people around to give you attention so you don't have to think about why people aren't giving you attention, so often we'll surround ourselves with people we don't really care about just to stave off breakdowns and end up feeling resentful and unfulfilled. Since NPD fucks with empathy, it can be difficult to really grasp interpersonal consequences, or even that other are really people in the same way we are. Personally I have a lot of issues with jealousy over people I actually care about, overreaction to small irritations, and serious pettiness. Personality disorders fall on this weird fault line between mental illness and neurodivergence where they've definitely got some adverse symptoms, but they also can't be "cured" because they're part of who you are. The way they're treated is generally by working to mitigate harmful symptoms, but they aren't all bad.

NPD is something of a spectrum. I'm diagnosed, but I believe I'm on the less servere end of it. Personally, I think this arose out of my ADHD; I always had really bad rejection sensitive dysphoria, and it's easy for me to see how that could've rolled into NPD. I've got a pretty tight leash on my symptoms, and I think that's because of feminine social conditioning. I've had multiple people who've been shocked to learn I was a diagnosed narcissist, because, well... as a girl there's just a lot of shit you simply can't get away with like a man would be able to. If I threw a screaming fit every time I wanted to throw a screaming fit, no one would want to be around me. Not that people should be willing to put up with men who do this, it's bad behavior, but I find that men on the whole can get away with more such bad behavior. It's why women with NPD are more often stereotyped as Queen Bee manipulators, because simply put, no one would put up with us if we acted like unchecked guys. As far as I know, there are no nonbinary narcissist stereotypes. Of course it varies from person to person. For some people it's near impossible to gain the self-awareness or self-discipline necessary to keep themselves in check. This does not excuse their actions, you should still get away from these people if they're hurting you. You should still warn others to avoid their getting hurt. It's just meant to explain why we can be like that.

It isn't all bad. I'm dependable as hell, I'm a good friend to the people I care about, and I tend to befriend introverts who don't stand up for themselves, so never having a shortage of fury isn't always a negative. These are things I take pride in, that fulfill me and allow me to have a few close, fairly healthy relationships actually built on mutual affection rather than just a desperate need for attention.

Man I can talk about myself for ages! Typical, huh? Sorry for rambling, thanks for bearing with me if you've read this far, please don't hesitate to ask me any more questions you might have, and congrats on cutting abusers out of your life! 💖💖💖

#WOW that's long #hmu if you want my main

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autismisaokay · 4 years

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Hi, I kinda need help & Im very sorry to bother you But my brother&I are both autistic.The problem is, he takes&criticizes&makes fun of me for all my symptoms&behaviors.Stimming publicly?"Don't do that, it's weird"he says.Having a meltdown?"Stop acting like a two year old, you don't need to have a conniption over everything that goes wrong"he says. Need accomodations fr sensory reasons?"Don't be so sensitive" he says.It never stops, he says it even after& before these things happen.What do I do?

Have you talked to your other family about this before?

I”ve had trouble with other autistic people too and it’s challenging in it’s own right. This is kind of hard for me because the matter is so personal and he’s autistic. For me motive really matters to understand how to properly help you. So I’ll give you multiple responses and answers as I usually do. The motives can also blend together.

First theory: Because apart of me thinks he could be saying these things out of almost a “parent” of an autistic child mentality. The things you pointed out are things that sound like they are noticeable to the public. Maybe he’s scared of you getting embarrassed or ridiculed and he can’t change society but it’s easier to try and change you. So making you more “blendable” and basically mask more or something akin to that is him trying to help you.

You are you and it’s not his job despite being your brother to try and change you. He can only give you guidance.

Second: Autistic people, not all, but many can be very dead set on things. An you can’t change their mind unless it’s on their terms that they can understand. Somethings you can’t explain right away though and it’s very frustrating or takes a while for an autistic person to learn. He could be stuck in his thinking.

Lots of us can take things very personally too especially rejection. So if he feels like you are rejecting him he may be making it more about him than the point he’s trying to get across.

Third theory: Autistic people are not always great at communicating what we want to say properly. He could have a nicer more concise way of saying what he wants to say but that doesn’t seem so in this case.

Fourth Theory: Maybe he feels like you are getting treated better than he is and basically you are “allowed” to be autistic more. Or at least get away with it more. So it frustrates him.

Fifth: If he can adapt to the neurotypical world why can’t you, mentality. It sounds like he thinks he has that down in his mind.

Six: He’s your brother. The whole siblings fighting a lot thing isn’t just a stereotype. It is real for millions of families out there, not all tho. The fact that it’s autism related is unfortunate.

Seven: Autistic people have no way of blocking out things that annoy them majority of the time. WHICH SUCKS.

Eight: The almighty lack of filter that majority of us have.

Nine: The trouble that many autistic people have placing ourselves in other peoples shoes at times.

Solutions:

I’m going back to the whole you can only be you thing and he can only be him. He needs to focus on what he can change in his life rather than in yours. He also needs to keep reminding himself and you that you don’t have to live with each other forever. Find a way to start building towards that.

You need to call him out on his bs and say “Hey you think you aren’t the only one with traits that aren’t noticeable or annoying to me?! I don’t call you out on that because that’s who you are and I can’t change that.”

I hope this clears up for you.

If anyone else has any other ideas I’d love to hear them in a reblog or comment on the post.

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism #autistic

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mszegedy · 4 years

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30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2020: Days 1-10

This is a list of questions by @autie-jake (full list here), where you’re supposed to answer one per day for every day of April. I learned about it a few days into April and intended to start doing it but I forgot, I guess, or maybe decided against it. But I wanna do it now, so here’s the first ten days really quick.

April 1: Introduce yourself. Talk about who you are as a person.

This is kind of a hard question for me. I think my younger sister (by 3¾ years) would say this, if she just made a new friend the same age as her and she asked about me:

“Well, she goes to college, but she’s graduating this semester. She does something with proteins, but honestly she should really be a linguist. I actually really hate discussing linguistics with her, because she gets so annoying and overbearing about it. I don’t understand why she’s doing whatever she is. She’s a pretty weird person. She has all sorts of problems with, like, depression and amnesia and stuff. Oh, but, she’s trans, so, like, that’s a thing, yeah. I don’t like talking about most things with her because she thinks she’s always right. And also, she’s kind of mean to our mom. I don’t know why she does that. But at the same time she’s, like, really sensitive, and will be offended by the stupidest things. Okay, this is making it sound like I don’t like her, but I do, okay? She’s my sister, of course I love her. We’ve bonded a lot. She’s moving to DC in October, so we’ll be able to hang out during the school year, and that’ll be really fun. I think I’m just a little fed up with her right now from having to live with her for a whole month.“

April 2: Post your red instead selfie today! Alternatively, you could talk about why you choose to go redinstead and what it means to you.

I don’t know what “redinstead” is. I googled it and it sounds like you wear differently-themed stuff from what’s recommended by Autism Speaks, to dunk on them. Like a lot of people, I’m stuck inside this April, so there’s no point in me wearing pride clothing, because nobody will see it. But I do disapprove of Autism Speaks, because they don’t treat autistic people like people, and they try to spread that ideology. If you trick them into thinking you’re a person first, they won’t change their mind; instead, they’ll say you’re not autistic. People defend them by recounting the problems that nonverbal autistic people face, as though nonverbal autistic people have an inherently worse neurotype than everyone else, and not just one that’s more difficult to accomodate for society, and as though that justifies the abuses levied against them by Autism Speaks. I could go into details, but I won’t, because it would be emotionally draining for me as a writer, and you as a reader.

Suffice to say, I love being autistic. It has inspired a lot of people to treat me very badly, and probably led to a degree of abuse and neglect in my childhood that resulted in dissociative identity disorder. But all of my autistic traits are things that I love about myself. I like how emotionally expressive my stims make me. I like how I’ve learned to dissect a lot of social stuff and I can explain it. I like how I can just dispense with all of that social stuff around autistic people. Hell, I think it gives the neurotypical people I hang out with some relief, too, when I’m straightforward and explicit all the time. I like how good I am at linguistics, and how I can use it as a way to relate to the world.

April 3: Talk about special interests. Do you have any? What are they? How long have you had them? What does it feel like to have special interests? What does having special interests mean to you? Talk about your past special interests

My special interests are unusually slow burns. I’ve had linguistics-related special interests for the past ten years. They’re peripherally useful for language learning, but mostly I’ve just accumulated academic knowledge. They’ve, however, also led me to reconnect with my Ugric heritage culture, which is very important to me. (It wouldn’t be important to me if language weren’t my primary way of relating to the world; paradox?)

I have a wide variety of other interests, but few of them are really “special”. As a kid, my special interest was marine life. Unfortunately, I haven’t retained much of that, although I do have the privilege of having a diver’s license, which I’ll use again someday when I pass better naked. I also briefly had a special interest in… building computers, or something. I didn’t have the money to make anything particularly powerful (not that I had anything at the time to use computational power for), but I did run some workshops for middle-schoolers.

I think maybe my interest as a kid in Homestuck was special? It ran pretty deep, anyway. It’s hard to say, when you can’t remember most of your life.

April 4: Do you consider your autism to be an important part of your identity?

Because we have DID (or something like it), we don’t have an identity in the traditional sense. We do have a system identity, but that’s built around our mutual goals and guidelines. However, we’d be very sad to lose our autistic traits. Also, it might mess with the standard of consistency we’ve established for ourselves; we might not be able to predict our future actions, because losing our autistic traits may interfere with our ability to follow the aforementioned goals and guidelines, which are what help keep us focused and consistent.

April 5: Talk about your living situation. Do you live with your parents? Do you live on your own? Have roommates? Etc. If you live on your own how hard was it to get used to?

Right now, I’m quarantining with my mom, my sister, and my brother (who is actually my sister’s boyfriend), at my mom’s house. The mess that’s accumulating in the house is slowly causing my mom more and more stress, I think. I’ve never really lived on my own. For a lot of college, I lived with roommates or housemates, but I don’t think I was very good at that. Also, my mom lived nearby, and I stayed at her place on the weekends. The closest I’ve come to living on my own is watching my mom’s house for up to a few weeks at a time, and that wasn’t sustainable. (To be fair, what kind of house has a lawn? When I get a house with a lawn in the future, I will make sure that it’s a wild lawn that I don’t have to mow.)

The third to last time that I house-sitted for my mom, I ended up getting hospitalized for self-harm. It took her a while to let me do it again after that. Although, not a very long while, I guess. That was at the end of last September.

April 6: Are you able to drive? If you can, was it hard for you to learn? If not, what alternatives do you use, if any

I’m not able to drive. Driving is scary and difficult for me. I went through the motions of learning it in high school, but my track was interrupted by a move across state lines (I lived in the US at the time), and I never recovered. I’ve failed the NJ written driver’s exam, which grants you a one-year permit with restrictions, a total of roughly ten times. I’ve never been this bad at a subject; it’s like I have the opposite of a special interest in driving. A special lack-of-interest. My brain won’t retain any information about NJ driving laws whatsoever. It doesn’t help that I had a traumatic car crash when I was very young.

So far, I’ve just gotten my mom and coworkers to drive me places, or taken Ubers or trains. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that if I leave NJ, I’ll probably have to get a driver’s license. Although, I’ve already got a carpool set up at my next job in October.

April 7: Talk about autism in the media. Do you think that autism is typically portayed well? Badly? Is there anything you’d like to see more of when it comes to autistic representation? Who are your favorite autistic characters? Do you have any headcanons?

The media that I consume doesn’t really have autistic characters, so I can’t comment on how autistic people are portrayed, except that I’d like us to be portrayed more, period. I’ve only really seen us in teen dramas. To be fair, one of my favorite webcomics, El Goonish Shive, is a teen drama, and has a great autistic character (Susan). I’d say I identify with her, but not really. It’s very hard for me to identify with people, fictional or nonfictional, because my neurotype is greatly influenced by autism, DID, chronic depression, and gender dysphoria, and you don’t see combinations of traits in media that come even close to that.

Speaking of another teen drama, I wish I were half as cool as Matilda from Everything’s Gonna Be Okay. I guess that makes her my favorite canon autistic character, but that’s pretty easy, because I don’t know any other ones. I can’t say that I wanna hug her, because she doesn’t like that, but her general substitute for hugs is dancing, and I can’t dance. I guess I’d learn how, to show my appreciation for her.

Archer from Archer is probably autistic. I like him a lot.

April 8: What are some misconceptions/stereotypes about autism that you hate?

“Hating” is not something I can really do, even when it’s recommended to do it. I haven’t been open about my autism, so I haven’t been exposed to too many misconceptions or stereotypes about it firsthand, anyway. I guess if I had to pick, it would be whatever made my dad call me autistic as an insult and use a bunch of ableist slurs at me a whole lot. I don’t know how he understands autism, however. He doesn’t seem to realize that he has it himself. (It’s not usually one’s place to diagnose other people like that, but one of the most degrading things that my mom says to me very often is that I’m exactly like my father. He even has some traits that I don’t, like touch-aversion and samefoods.)

April 9: How sensitive are you when it comes to touch? Are you pro hug or anti hug?

I’m hyposensitive. I’m really losing it here under this quarantine. I had a girlfriend who always made me feel so respected whenever she responded to my touch-based needs, by squeezing me, hugging me, or otherwise cuddling me very tight, but then she broke up with me because of my mental health issues, and because her parents hated me and her friends were made very uncomfortable by me.

April 10: Do you have trouble understanding when someone is being sarcastic or joking?

It depends. I think I’m as good at it as I’ll ever be, and my false negative rate is under 0.5 (and my false positive rate is very low, but not 0). But I don’t think the same thing goes on in my head as in neurotypical people’s heads when I determine something to be a joke. I almost explicitly do a Bayesian calculation; “Based on what I know about this person and this context, how well can I imagine them meaning this statement unironically in this context? How well can I imagine them meaning this statement ironically in this context?” It’s pretty automatic now, but sometimes it doesn’t work very well, when I’m not so familiar with the person and/or the context, and occasionally the intended interpretation of the statement.

#2020 #30daysofautismacceptance

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nightcoremoon · 4 years

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there's lots of tiny brained bad takes of the far left branding things as Bad™ based solely on their association to other things or certain aspects of part of their fanbase.

this isn't to discredit the shit idiot brain fungus plaguing everyone from centrists, the moderate right, the far right, and the alt right, and even some of the moderate left, where they label everything that isn't about a Cishet White Male American Capitalist Bootlicker who's stateist, ambiguously christian/atheist, neurotypical, able-bodied, has "aryan" facial attributes, is an insufferable asshole, and the like, as "SJW garbage".

but see, prejudice and judgment is bad even if it's not motivated by minority demographic. being a rude dismissive asshole is, you know, bad. maybe making fun of a furry or whatever isn't as bad as being a racist, but you're still a fucking dickhead either way. fuck both of you but fuck the racist more. I'll punch both of you but punch the racist twice (maybe a third time for good measure). do y'all understand what I'm trying to get at here with the tiers of badness? the shades of grey? the steps down the path of evil from "kind of rude" to "literally hitler"?

bigotry is not the only bad thing in the world. yeah it's one of the worst, but you can talk about other bad things without discrediting that, which I know is next to impossible for teenagers (or people who never bothered to mentally progress from such) to comprehend.

anyway what sparked this is all the fuckin joker memes. now I went into it expecting, you know, literally taxi driver 2 followed by a silly horror movie about a clown murdering people. which is what the joker of the comics is all about. if I never watched the movie and only saw, what, the killing murray scene, the stairway dancing scene, the trailers, and joaquin phoenix sitting in a padded room and laughing, that's exactly what I'd had gotten.

but like. I fucking watched it because my dad wanted to watch it with me and he fucking loves all things batman (except Ben Affleck). and wolverine but mostly batman. he's a comic nerd. so yeah I went to watch it with him.

and it was legitimately terrifying from a purely psychological perspective. it's LITERALLY the best scary movie I've ever seen without being horror in the slightest. the acting, the writing, the score, the pacing, the cinematography, it was well put together without being a moffat level overproduced mess. it was a good movie. you're allowed to not care for it or not like it but to objectively call it a bad movie is not only a logical fallacy (eye of the beholder) but it also discredits the opinion of every single person who didn't hate it and makes you come off as a pompous fucking asshole rather than having different tastes.

it's about a guy with severe mental trauma in a bad situation trying to make the best of it and care for his family and hold down a job but he gets fucked over from literally every angle and eventually he snaps and makes a mistake and kills the misogynist rich asshats on the train. oh fuck. he could have gone to the police and said self defense and go through the court system but wait, society in gotham doesn't allow for a clean system of justice when you aren't rich. so instead he proceeds to be a major creepazoid turned murdering lunatic blaming everyone else for his own bad situation instead of the whole deal where he did stupid shit like taking a gun into a fucking children's hospital and stuck his fingers inside a child's mouth and stealing shit and falling further down the rabbit hole. until finally, he says fuck it and seeks revenge. the whole bloody mess that follows is his own fault. he chose to kill people. he chose to murder for petty reasons. he made his decisions and he suffered the consequences for it. all of the festering rotten crime in the city spawned by waynecorp's supreme negligence heralded him as a hero and so begins batman's story.

arthur fleck is not a fucking hero. he is a villain through and through. his circumstances were unfortunate but he made the wrong decisions. the world fucked him over and he said okay and retaliated. joker is exactly the fucking same as breaking bad. arthur and walter white are both evil people through their own decisions. but they were once normal people. and that's the point. the scariest monsters in the world are usually the white men angry at the world for their own shortcomings. oswald. ruby. dahmer. bundy. gein. manson. klebold and harris. white. fleck. they're all the filth stuck in the gutter of society that, if left unchecked, has deadly results.

I'm not kidding at all when I say joker was an important movie for myself personally to see exactly when I saw it. because that first half, I'm not gonna lie, it got me. the therapy didn't work and then it was taken away. he didn't eat most days because he had to support his mother. the people he worked with were dickheads, the people he commuted with were dickheads, his boss was a dickhead, people treated him like garbage on the streets. he couldn't remember the trauma inflicted on him when he was a baby but it still warped every aspect of his life. he had aspirations but lacked the skills. he was sad. alone. empty. he was suicidal. he was me.

then he started killing people and using the neighbor girl as a tulpa and I realized oh no oh god oh shit OH FUCK I need to change from this. and I did.

joker is a perfect template of how not to react to the world when it kicks in your teeth. it's a perfect template of a dark movie. just enough to sympathize with the bad guy but not enough to excuse his actions. the opposite of star wars with kylo ren. a good movie. a good character. an amazing actor. a terrible person.

if you watched joker thinking you're watching the story of the protagonist, you're right, but if you conflate protagonist with the good guy, yeah you won't like the fucking movie because it'll leave a sour taste in your mouth. you'll feel slimy. disgusting. unless you're a megadouche shitlord piece of human fucking garbage who wants to cosplay arthur fleck because he's so damn cool like walter white and eric cartman and rick sanchez and bojack horseman and tyler durden and all those FUCKING HORRIBLE LOATHESOME HUMANS TO NEVER EVER TRY TO EMULATE OR YOU ARE AN UNEMPHATIC ASSHOLE AND A MORON TO BOOT.

if you hated the movie, that's fine. you're kinda supposed to hate it. and if you loved the movie, that's fine so long as you understand what the message was. but if it's one of your favorite movies of all time ever made holy shit please go to therapy jesus christ.

still the point of this post is, discrediting the movie as a steaming pile of shit is incredibly ignorant. and as for the "good movies made by white men are only liked by other white men and are therefore bad movies" thing... if y'all can thirst over eddie brock in the trainwreck of venom and admit that the standards of good movie vs bad movie are all subjective, you're a goddamn idiot if you can't apply the same logic and reason to every movie just because some white boys like edgy clowns (even tho joker is way less edgy than pennywise but go off) in abusive relationships with harlequins. oh and assflash newshole, I'm not a white man.

I swear this bandwagoning bullshit is exactly the same mentality as "hurr durr nickelback worst band ever" even though nickelback is ripe with musical talent underneath a few pop songs that they wrote for the record label as part of their career so they can make a fuckin living BECAUSE CAPITALISM IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL and also because of all the misogyny that bled its way into the music industry in the 2000s but that's a topic for another day. 'joker bad' and 'nickelback bad' are products of the same mental decay that social media wrought upon us all, inflicting mass mob mentality and incapacity for individualistic rational thought. which is exactly why there's a war between camp 'joker is bad' and 'joker is amazing' and nobody acknowledges the group in the middle that's like 'joker was good objectively but also terrible subjectively and content-wise'. polar. I could make a political statement and also say how the neoliberals and the fascists are at war while the people in the middle are caught in the crossfire and forced to fight like pawns on a chessboard, but the moderate right, dumbass centrists, pastel commies, and pockets of the moderate left, but that just throws everything into chaos.

tl;dr learn to think for yourselves omg

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