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storiesforallfandoms · 4 years

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project partner ~ jesse pinkman;breaking bad

word count: 1958

request?: no

description: when he’s paired up with the outcast in school on a school project, jesse comes to learn a secret about her

pairing: jesse pinkman x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist

Jesse jumped as Mr. White slammed his textbook down onto Jesse’s desk. A hushed snicker trailed through the room as Jesse sleepily raised his head.

“Good morning Mr. Pinkman, did you have a nice rest?” Mr. White asked.

“I did until you woke me,” Jesse muttered.

Mr. White rolled his eyes and passed Jesse a sheet of paper. “You have a group project due next week. I’ve paired you up with Miss. (Y/L/N).”

Jesse looked over his shoulder at the girl sat by herself in the back of the room. Her eyes widened at the mention of her name, as if she too hadn’t been paying attention to what was happening.

The bell rang to dismiss the class. Everyone filed out immediately except for Jesse and (Y/N). He approached (Y/N) as she started putting her things away.

“So,” he started, “wanna meet up and start this project after school?”

“Yeah that’s be nice actually. I’d like to be ahead on the work.”

“Sounds like a plan. We’ll go to your place after school?”

(Y/N)’s eyes widened again and all color drained from her face. “Why-why my place?”

Jesse shrugged. “My ‘rents kinda suck. They probably won’t leave us alone if we do go there.”

(Y/N) shuffled awkwardly. “We could...we could do it at the school, like in the library or something.”

“Listen, if your ‘rents suck, too, that’s fine. We don’t have to go to your place. I just know personally that it’ll be so much better than going to mine.”

(Y/N) sighed and shrugged. “No, it’s alright. My parents...won’t be home, so my place would be the best to do the project. We can meet in front of the school and I’ll drive us to my place.”

“That’d be pretty dope. I hate the bus.”

(Y/N) gave Jesse a small smile before hurrying out of the classroom to her next class.

~~~~~~

When school ended, Jesse did as he promised and waited for (Y/N) to meet him. He checked his phone to see how long he had been waiting. He wondered if (Y/N) was standing him up.

When she emerged from the school, (Y/N) looked at Jesse waiting and sighed. There was no backing out of this now.

“Let’s get going,” she told him as she walked past him. Jesse had to quickly walk to catch up with her.

The drive was quiet. Jesse wasn’t sure what to even say to (Y/N). Once, (Y/N) was a semi-popular girl. Everyone knew and liked her. That was, until she took some time away from school, then when she came back she was suddenly an outcast, but not because her friends made her one, because she made herself one.

Her friends had asked her on multiple occasions to go out with them to catch up after her time off, invited her to parties, even asked her to just sit with them in the cafeteria at lunch, but (Y/N) turned all the offers down. She kept to herself and didn’t talk to anyone. No one even saw her outside of school, she’d just come in, go through school, and leave at the end of the day.

Jesse snuck a quick peak at her, wondering what had happened when she left, and wondered if he’d find out while working on her project.

They pulled into the driveway of a small looking house, the exact opposite of what Jesse knew to be her house.

“Uh...are we picking someone up or something?” he asked as (Y/N) turned off the car.

“No,” she responded. “This is where I live now.”

“What happened to that mansion your parents owned.”

(Y/N) winced at the question, but hoped Jesse hadn’t noticed. “They wanted to downsize. Something small and quaint or whatever. Closer together.”

She got out of the car and went around to a side door, unlocking it and letting herself and Jesse in. Jesse was shocked to see that she had let them into a basement apartment. This was the last place he expected to see (Y/N) standing in, especially with how much her family was worth.

“I’ll grab my laptop, we can get started on the project,” she told him and quickly left to her room.

Jesse sat at the kitchen table, wondering what had happened with (Y/N). Did her parents lose their money? Were her parents still alive? They had to be, why would she not tell anyone if her parents had died? It would be the news of the school if they had. Losing all their money, that would be another story.

When (Y/N) returned, they started working silently, besides asking a few questions related to the assignment. Jesse tried to think of questions to ask (Y/N) regarding her situation, but he was afraid of seeming like he was prying, even though that was exactly what he wanted to do.

Luckily (for Jesse anyways), he didn’t have to ask anything, as all his questions were answered when there was a knock at the door and (Y/N)’s eyes widened. She looked at the door, as if wishing for the person to go away, but her wishes were denied when another knock came.

“You gonna get that?” Jesse asked.

(Y/N) sighed and stood from the table. Jesse couldn’t help but crane his neck to watch her open the door. And older looking woman stood there with a child that was no more than a few months old in her arms.

“I asked you to keep him for an extra hour!” (Y/N) whispered, however was still loud enough for Jesse to hear.

“And I told you I was unable to do so,” the woman responded. “I’m sorry you didn’t receive my message, but I have plans.”

(Y/N) sighed heavily and took the child from the woman. She took some cash from her pocket and gave it to the woman before nearly slamming the door in the woman’s face. Jesse quickly returned to the assignment, pretending he didn’t see anything that had happened.

(Y/N) took the playpen in the living room and placed it in the kitchen before placing the child into the playpen.

Jesse smiled at the baby, although he was too busy biting on a teddy bear to notice. “Who’s this little guy?”

(Y/N) looked over at the baby with a slight smile on her face as well. “That’s Jacob.”

“Your little brother?”

(Y/N)’s smile faltered a little as she realized there was no getting around it now. “No actually. He’s uh...he’s my son.”

Jesse looked up at (Y/N) in shock. She was looking down at her notes in front of her, trying not to make eye contact.

“Is that why...you were out of school for so long?” Jesse asked. “Cause...cause you were pregnant?”

(Y/N) nodded. “Yeah. My parents pulled me out when I found out I was pregnant. They didn’t want anyone to know that their precious child wasn’t as innocent as everyone thought she was.”

“Then why...” Jesse trailed off. He wasn’t sure which he wanted to ask first, he had so many questions.

“Why do I live here?” (Y/N) offered for him. Jesse nodded, although that wasn’t what he had been wanting to ask. “My parents kicked me out. Gave me enough money that I could live somewhere comfortably for a while before having to get a job. Basically told me to never contact them again, that I was no longer their child.”

(Y/N) tried not to let the hurt show in her face, but it was hard not to when thinking back to the day her parents kicked her out. They had been so angry, she had never seen them so angry before. They had packed her things for her, at least the things she had bought on her own. They told her they were keeping anything they had bought for her, which was over half of her belongings, and gave her a check for a couple thousand dollars so that she could find somewhere else to live.

They didn’t want to see her anymore, and they didn’t want to meet their grandchild.

“Who’s the father?” Jesse asked.

“Liam Johnson,” (Y/N) replied. “The quarterback of the football team.”

Jesse felt his blood boil then. Of course, everyone knew Liam Johnson and (Y/N) were an item, but shortly after her disappearance from school he began saying they had broken up. He claimed he didn’t know anything about where she had gone, other than they weren’t together anymore, then proceeded to sleep with nearly every girl in the school.

It was one thing that he had “moved on” so quickly after claiming for so long that he was in love with (Y/N), but to leave her because she was pregnant with his kid and proceed to sleep with other girls? That was lower than low.

“I didn’t want anyone else to know,” (Y/N) continued to explain. “I didn’t want anyone to know that my parents had kicked me out, that Liam had left me, that I had basically gone from having it all to having absolutely nothing, because I chose to have my beautiful baby boy the superficiality of the rich and popular lifestyle.”

“You don’t think your friends would’ve stuck by you if they knew the truth?” Jesse asked.

(Y/N) shook her head. “Of course they wouldn’t. They weren’t real friends, they just hung around with me because we all ran with the same friend group, and because I was dating Liam, and because my parents had a giant mansion and they were never home so I could throw parties. What do I have now? Liam’s baby, that’s it. Not like it means anything because he keeps denying he ever knocked me up.”

“I mean, some of them maybe, but it seems like at least a few of them were your real friends. I’m sure they would’ve stuck by your side, even helped you raise Jacob and given you a place to stay so that you don’t have to worry about making ends meet.”

(Y/N) shook her head. She looked deep in thought for a moment before he head snapped up to look at Jesse. “You cannot tell anyone about this, okay? You have to promise me you’ll tell no one at school about Jacob, about this whole situation.”

Jesse put his hands up in surrender. “I wouldn’t tell a soul anyways. This isn’t my thing to tell people. Besides, I don’t think anyone would believe me if I did tell them. I’m just the burnout stoner, remember?”

“You’re not a burnout stoner, you’re pretty cool actually.”

Jesse smiled. “You’re really cool, too. I think you’re even more cool knowing the truth about your situation.”

(Y/N)’s cheeks heated up slightly as she looked away from Jesse. “Just finish the project, we were so close to getting it all finished.”

They completed the project in silence. When it was all done, Jesse collected his things and opted to walk home, so that (Y/N) didn’t have to wake a sleeping Jacob, who had fallen asleep while they were working.

“You know,” (Y/N) said as she walked Jesse to the door, “you’re free to come back whenever you want...if you want, I mean. You’re the first friend I’ve had since I got pregnant.”

Jesse smiled at her. “I’d love to hang out with you, and with Jacob. And I promise, your secret is safe with me.”

(Y/N) smiled. “Thank you, Jesse. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jesse smiled back at her before finally turning to leave.

#jesse pinkman #jesse pinkman imagine #jesse pinkman x reader #Aaron Paul #aaron paul imagine #aaron paul x reader #breaking bad #breaking bad imagine #one shot #imagine

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zeppelin-and-unicorns · 3 years

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Fanfic recommendations part three: Season 7 fix-its

Some of these stories are post season 7 finale, some of them take place during season 7 and diverge from canon. Season 8 who? We don’t know her.

I’ve read and enjoyed all of these stories, they are all worth the read.

(By the way this is a big category, so this post is huge)

All Our Yesterdays by ChronicallyChill

After the events of "Street Fighting Man", Jackie and Hyde wish more than anything that things had happened differently. The next morning, they wake up in the past, on the morning of Vanstock where Jackie promptly makes one dream come true. They are not together—but, soon enough, one change snowballs into another... Time Travel AU.

I didn’t knew if I should’ve placed this story on the season 7 fix-it category or in the AU category, in the end I chose this one, if you think it’s incorrect, please let me know so I can change it.

Okay so this story deserves a special comment because OH MY GOD, it’s incredible. It’s amazing how the author writes the characters so well, and I simply love the addition of Buddy Morgan to the gang.

This story is a WIP, it hasn’t been updated in a while but I still have faith.

121k words, 7 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, Buddy/Fez

Also available on AO3

As You Wish by c00kiefic

A dark comedic look at love, loss and death. Hyde’s there for Jackie when she needs him the most.

This story is complete.

7k words, 2 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Daddy’s Home by bellamarie

Jackie and Hyde’s relationship has been smooth sailing for the most part since their last break-up in ‘79. As Hyde begins to seriously commit to Jackie, her dad is released from prison and he returns home to supposedly rekindle his relationship with her. Hyde, suspecting that Jack’s intentions aren’t pure, enlists the help of his friends to try and expose Jack for the still crook man that he is. While Hyde may be a paranoid burnout, he knows that the wily politician is up to no good. There is one thing, however, both men have a common interest in: Jackie Burkhart.

Okay so this story basically ignores the existence of season 8, that’s why it’s in this category.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure this is an abandoned story. Unfortunaly. It only has two chapters and damn, I’m dreaming about the day the author will update this, I’m already hooked.

4k words, 2 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Finding the Right Future by springsteenicious

After Chicago, Hyde starts driving to Las Vegas, planning to get over Jackie. His car nearly breaks down in Iowa, forcing him to stop. While he's there, he meets Fortune, a woman who will change the course of his life forever.

This story is complete.

13k words, 8 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Halloween is Over by MistyMountainHop

Eric wants to be scared for Halloween, really scared. Donna proposes a contest, and all their friends are in. But Hyde and Jackie's renewed relationship might not withstand the stress. Donna and Kelso must fight their impulses, and Fez and Eric's chances of survival are slim.

This story is complete.

25k words, 8 chapters.

Rated M

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna

Also Available on AO3

Hyde’s Long Way Home by MistyMountainHop

This story is perfect. It literally has no defects. I love ALL of MIstyMountainHop’s stories, literally, all of them, but this one has a very special place in my heart. It’s complete and it’s definitely worth the read.

Hyde goes on a self-destructive bender after finding Jackie with a towel-wrapped Kelso. The day after that, he wakes up ... and it's the same day as before. He's doomed to live the same day over and over — unless he can figure out a way to live it right.

151k words, 26 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna

Also available on AO3

I’d Have You Anytime by anonymous author

What if Jackie after panicking in her show, gave up? And what if she made an unnatural friendship? Basically a fix it of season 7. If you like a story with good Jackie/Eric friendship moments, I totally recommend this one!

Trigger warning for past eating disorder.

This story is a WIP and it’s being updated frequently.

15k words, 9 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna

I Found a Reason by JoyfulHeartEO

Can Donna help Hyde see the light before he loses the one thing that's most important to him? Or will Jackie decide to leave at all?

Rated T.

9k words, 3 chapters.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna

Jackie and Hyde: The Untold Story by Lotusflower655

I was going to place this in the “Hidden Moments” category (spoiler alert, the next category), when I realised this has a different season 7 finale, so... here it is.

Rated M.

12k words, 6 chapters.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Let’s Grow Up Together by yabookreader96

One day Jackie receives a certain letter in the mail, and she finds her life quickly beginning to change. Suddenly she is a grown up navigating life on her own, drifting away from the sleepy little town of Point Place...and from her friends who can't seem to find the courage to discover life outside the Forman basement. Will her friends catch up, or will Jackie be all on her own?

This story is complete.

67k words, 12 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna

Magic by poetdameron

Hyde has never been good at words and Jackie has never been good at waiting, they need to find a balance to stay together. Hopefully, they'll do it before is too late.

16k words, 2 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

Please Don’t Say You Love Me (’Cause I Might Not Say It Back) by orphan_account

An alternate take on the end of season 7. Instead of running off to Vegas Hyde downs a couple of beers in the good ol' El Camino before deciding that some things are more important than his pride - i.e. his relationship with Jackie.

This story is complete.

3k words, 2 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Reflections Through the Glass by MistyMountainHop

Okay, this story is quite a trip, and it’s amazing. It’s based on a minisseries called The 10th Kingdom.

Six months after Chicago, Hyde no longer believes in love — or in Jackie. Donna's not speaking to Eric. Kelso's confused about his whole life, and Fez has gone missing. The only way back may be to leave it all behind.

This story is complete, and there’s a sequel, called Beneath a Shattered Sky. Honestly, I love the first story, but the sequel... The sequel is probably one of the best stories I’ve ever read. Those are both very long stories, but they are worth it.

138k words, 46 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna

Season 8 redo by tanith75

This is the most famous story of the fandom for a reason.

The story starts after the s7ep21 episode, so there’s no Chicago problems or people going to Africa over here :) It’s amazingly written, it’s funny as hell, and it honestly feels like I’m watching an episode of the show when I’m reading it. It’s amazing, it’s what should’ve happened in the show.

This story is not complete, but please, don’t let this stop you from reading it.

293k words, 42 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, Red/Kitty, Fez/Laurie, Kelso/Brooke

Shade by MistyMountainHop

This story ignores season 8 completely and season 7 is canon, that’s why it’s in this category.

Hyde finds himself homeless on a night where Jackie is without parents. The gift he gave her last Christmas draws him to her, but his attachment lingers past that rainy first night, grows through countless experiences, and leads him across state lines. Their relationship is a high-stakes gamble, but Jackie may fold before Hyde can show all his cards.

This story is complete and it melts my heart every single time I read it.

43k words, 10 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

The Seeker by QuarterflashWoman

With Donna and Eric's own relationship kaput, after Eric left Donna at the altar, what does this mean for our favorite opposites-attract couple Steven and Jackie? Wedding bells, baptisms, betrayals, and ultimatums. It's just another year in the lives of those of Point Place.

This is mainly a season 7 hidden moments story until it diverges from canon, and it’s lovely. I wish it was complete, but it’s still worth the read.

121k words, 23 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, some background Eric/Donna angst.

We’re All Alright by glittermila

In which Hyde and Jackie actually talk things out after he caught Kelso at the motel.

This is a lovely story, and I really enjoyed it, seeing Jackie and Hyde having a mature relationship is everything.

This story is complete.

48k words, 21 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Mainly Jackie/Hyde

Zenmasters: Seasons 3-5 by zdbztumble

I was having a lot of trouble categorizing this story, in the end, I decided that it was a season 7 fix-it of sorts, since season 8 doesn’t exist and season 7 ends in a satisfying way.

This story is a rewrite of some episodes, the author foreshadowed J/H relationship during seasons 3 and 4, and she added some pretty nice J/H moments in some chapters. The author also changed some things in some episodes (like the way J/H get back together after the nurse, and some other things). It’s a pretty good story, I like it a lot.

After "Jackie Bags Hyde," a certain subplot went into hibernation for a season and a half. What if it hadn't? And, if it hadn't, what other surprises would pop up along the way? "Tune in" to find out!

This story is complete.

170k words, 43 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

One-shots:

A change in fate by KaraSkinner

After leaving Jackie in Chicago, Hyde gets into a car crash and meets an angel that shows him just how bleak life would be if he doesn't change his fate now.

4k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

don’t I love you so by orphan_account

Hyde’d spent so long trying to keep her out, and what had happened? He’d finally opened up the gates, only to realise she’d been there the whole time and had had enough. Love — it was a goddamn Trojan horse.

or; a 7x25 fix it where hyde and jackie talk like adults for once in their damn lives.

4k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Hyde Asks Jackie to Stay by springsteenicious

When Hyde finds Jackie in the basement when she's supposed to be in Chicago, his first instinct is to push her away. Instead, he asks her to stay.

2k words

Rated G.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

I’m not a heartbreaker, so be gentle with mine by FalaZure

It's just a proposal, Hyde's been through worse and really how hard can it be?

or: 5 times Hyde tries to propose to Jackie, and one time he succeeds.

This story ignores season 8 completely, and it’s mainly just fluff, I LOVE it.

12k words.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Jackie Doesn’t Leave Before Getting an Answer by springsteenicious

Jackie stays in Point Place and waits for an answer to her ultimatum. At long last, Hyde gives her one.

2k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Let’s Do It by poetdameron

According to the tags, season 8 does not exist on this story, so off to the season 7 fix-its category you go.

There are things a man should not say after great orgasms on Christmas' Eve, Steven Hyde should have known better.

2k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Moth Drawn to Light by blackorchids

After Hyde sees how good Jackie is with baby Betsy, it makes him start to think.

Ignores the existence of season 8 completely. Just a fluff little one-shot on Hyde’s thoughts about fatherhood.

1k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Our Last Night on Earth by c00kiefic

When Hyde wakes up in the beer warehouse, he decides to actually fight for his girl.

3k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Remember to Breathe by PrefectMoony

She’s all bubblegum laughter, and butter scotch kisses. Hyde thinks he loves her, thinks he’s always loved her. Hates that it’s taken him so long to tell her as much.

Hates it even more that the first time he’s ever told her so is when the break between them is too raw— too jagged— to be able to mend with pretty platitudes.

Beautifully written.

4k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

sighs in my sleep by finkpishnets

“Congratulations,” the nurse says, smile pulled too tight as she glances at Jackie’s unadorned hand.

Jackie wants to shrug it off — “My husband’s getting the ring engraved as an anniversary gift. Isn’t that just so romantic?” — but she can’t find the breath to let the lie trip off her tongue, even in the face of pity.

2k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Street Fighting Man by springsteenicious

Hyde finds Jackie crying at the Packers Game. He tries to fix it.

1k words

Rated G

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Tea For One by KayRight

The second Mrs. Forman walked in with a letter for him he knew what had happened. Marrying her scared him, but losing her terrified him to his very core. Takes place in Season 7 after Jackie tells Hyde she got a job in Chicago.

2k words.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

The One Where They’re Happy by amidtheflowers

When Jackie and Hyde start dating, it takes the gang a while to see how that relationship even works. Something that creepy and unnatural can't possibly work, right? Meanwhile, Donna wonders why she puts up with any of them.

Adorable, I love this story so much, please read this.

3k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

we’ll be alright by marvelfoodlover

What if Jackie didn't easily forgive the gang after they missed her graduation party?

Season 7 fix-it because it diverges from canon.

2k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

I think that covers it.

I’ll repeat this at the end of every single post: speaking as someone who writes, it would be really cool if you guys decide to leave a review (or a comment, if the story is on AO3) in the stories you read, especially the unfinished ones. It really motivates the authors, and receiving a compliment is always a mood lifter. I’ve seen some authors updating stories after years because of nice reviews, so… yeah, this is just an idea.

If you think I left out a good story, feel free to reply to this post!

Next category: Hidden Moments

#jackie x hyde #jackie and hyde #jackie burkhart #steven hyde #zenmasters #that 70s show #that '70s show #fanfic #fanfic rec #fanfic recommendations

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warrioreowynofrohan · 3 years

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Rhythm of War Review

PART 1

It feels a little separate from the rest of the book to me at the moment because I read it pre-release, but I think it did a good job setting up the rest of the plot. I greatly enjoyed Navani’s perspective and ideas throughout the book, and the first section established her much more firmly as a character than any of the previous books; her couple of chapters in Oathbringer were more focused on politics and her relationship with Dalinar, so it was great yo see much more of her scientific side.

When I first read Part 1 it felt very Kaladin-heavy, but after completing the book I see how it was necessary to establish his burnout in order to set up the rest of the plot. And Chapter 12 (A Way to Help), in addition to being our only chance in the book to see our trio together, did a great job setting up Kaladin’s later work with mentally ill people, both by establishing the need and showing what kind of help was needed. I was nonetheless quite frustrated by Kaladin reacting to Shallan’s DID with “that would be nice...”. She’s having serious problems, Kal! She’s your friend and could use support, not you regarding her issues as a neat way to take a holiday from one’s own brain! Kaladin’s very kind and caring with those he chooses to protect, as we see with Bridge 4 in TWOK and the mentally ill people in Chapter 25, but sometimes I think he’s not a very good friend. I know he was not in a good place, but in Oathbringer when they were in Shadesmar Shallan had just had a complete breakdown and she still went out of her way to emotionally support Kal, so it would be nice to see his friendships become a bit more two-way. (For similar reasons, I liked seeing the moments of Shallan-to-Adolin emotional support in Shadesmar in ROW, because a lot of their relationship in OB was her relying on him; it felt balanced in ROW as both supported each other.)

PART 2

I loved the Shadesmar arc! The emotional arcs for both main characters were very strong - I had been looking forward to seeing Adolin’s reaction to (in-universe) Oathbringer, and it did not disappoint; the conflict between genuinely loving Dalinar and being unable to forgive what he’d done was well-drawn. I was so pissed off at Dalinar in that last conversation! You burned his mom to death, you do not get to take the moral high ground and lecture him. And I do see a difference between killing innocents, as Taravangian does, and killing someone who’s effectively declared war on you and has a history of treason.

I also liked Adolin’s sense of being generally at sea with his purpose in the world. He’s been trained primarily as a warrior and general, and his combat skills have been made virtually obsolete by the Radiants. And at the same time, the reader can see what makes Adolin special, and it’s not combat skills - though those do give him a big heroic moment in a pinch - it’s his care and compassion for others. The way he interacts with Maya and slowly brings her life is absolutely beautiful. Chapter 35 was such a wonderful Shadolin moment (and starspren are amazing!); he really gets her and understands what she needs. Chapter 24 was sweet too, though super cheesy.

I spent the entire Shadesmar arc side-eying Veil and Radiant, especially with Veil’s takeover stunt at the start, but in the end they genuinely were supporting and helping Shallan. So in retrospect I do like scenes like the one with Veil trying to draw Shallan out by drawing Adolin badly.

Spoeking of drawing, I love the spren art, it’s some of the best art so far, and fascianting to see how they all look!

Kaladin finding non-violent ways to protect, culminating in pioneering Rosharan therapy - and Teft insisting on staying to support him - was everything I wanted for him. His arc could have just been that, and I’d have been perfectly happy. Chapter 25 (Devotary of Mercy) is still my favourite in the entire book.

Unfortunately, then Odium’s forces had to show up and SPOIL EVERYTHING. I’m rather appalled by how quickly Urithiru fell - the enemy forces were literally in the pillar room by the time anyone noticed them.

PART 3

Part 3 was a real slog for me, partly because it is a slog and partly because I hit it at the height of my sleep deptivation. (It’s really...not a good thing to be reading on zero sleep at the literal darkest-hour-before-dawn.) Kaladin’s arc in Urithiru is just so exhausting; he’s so clearly worn to the boneand everything feels so hopeless. Kaladin’s had bad times before - Bridge 4 in TWOK, for example - but then the reader could see progress even if Kaladin couldn’t. (Kaladin: I’m getting nowhere and failing at everything! Everyone else: Kaladin, you were literally just miraculously resurrected.) Here, though - well, I genuinely spent the whole book from Part 3 through to the climax thinking that they would lose Urithiru.

Navani’s arc, and Venli’s, I did enjoy.

The other section of Part 3, in Emul, just felt rather disjointed. It had some interesting moments, but it didn’t have a sense of cohesion or of where it was going. I was entertained by Dalinar’s musings on the merits of despositism and the need to free Queen Fen from having - horrors! - a parliament. (I wonder if the Fourth Ideal will be something like “I will recognize that it can sometimes be beneficial to have people oppose my decisions.”)

PART 4

Again, adored the Shadesmar arc. Really strong character arcs for both Adolin and Shallan, combined with excellent plots and a strong sense of momentum. I was pretty sure Maya would be crucial in the trial, but that didn’t make the moment any less powerful (though Sanders probably shouldn’t have tried quite as hard to replicate his “You. Cannot. Have. My. Pain.” moment from Oathbringer). I need to put together a proper post on the theme of choice in Oathbringer, because that moment - combined with Kaladin’s fourth ideal and the conflict with Lirin over the way he’s inspiring the resistance - really crystallized it for me. To treat a person’s choice and sacrifices as something done to them is to devalue their volition, their agency. Maya is put in the horrifying situation of being used as a prop and treated as evidence of a point that she is diametrically opposed to and turned into a weapon against someone she loves, and it’s enough to drive her to regain her voice and speak for herself. I am very curious to know what specifically led the spren to agree to the Recreance!

I did not remotely guess what Shallan’s secret was, even though in retrospect the Cryptic deadeye should have made it incredibly obvious. I think her fear that she’d lose Adolin if it came out was overblown - he already knows she killed both her parents, he’s not going to be fazed by “I was so distraught over having to kill my own mother in self-defence at age ten that I broke my Radiant oaths”. But obviously it’s not something Shalkan would be able to consider duspassionately. Her arc was rather terrifying once I realized that Formless was, well, basically her, but more specifically, Shallan’s idea of the monster that she was, and her breakdown was driving her to “accept who she was” as being that monster. I like Shallan and was never that into Veil - though she was fairly good in this book and went out well - so I’m not sad to see the back of her.

I haven’t managed to work through all the espionage/mole elements. Yes, Pattern used the box to talk to Wit, and Radiant killed Ialai so Shallan wouldn’t, but who’s Mraize’s spy close to Dalinar?

This arc ended too abruptly. I think Sanderson could easily have traded a Kaladin chapter in Part 3 for an extra chapter wrapping up events in Shadesmar; maybe one where Shallan first goes to see Testament.

I enjoyed the Urithiru arc in Part 4 as well. Switching to Bridge 4 points of view other than Kaladin was a good move - we already know he’s worn to ribbons, so we don’t need to be inside his head to see it. “The Dog and the Dragon” was amazing, and the most appropriate story ever for Kaladin. (I get how Wit’s schtick of telling incredibly topical stories and then saying “no, I don’t have a point, what point?” would be really aggravating in person.) It was nice to see him be gentle with Kaladin for a change, the way he is with Shallan - his two previous encounters with Kaladin read as rather baiting, which annoyed me.

Dabbid was - I don’t know quite how to say this, but his inclusion struck an amazing balance in this book. Navani’s arc is all about two amazingly smart people doing science and making incredible breakthroughs, and that is sincerely valued and given importance by the narrative, and then you get chapters like Dabbid’s and one of Taravangian’s emphasizing that a person’s value and ability to contribute is not determined by their intelligence.

Navani’s arc continued to be excellent. All of her research, and the way the story took you through the process, and her complex relationship with Raboniel, was great.

I loved Venli’s character development, and growing willingness to take risks for the sake of others. To me, her arc parallels Dalinar’s in the last book in some ways. If we can love the story of a bloodthirsty conqueror growing to become a good person, why can’t we equally love the story of a coward coming to become a good person? There seems to be a tendency to be more drawn to strength, even in its most terrible forms, than to weakness. To me, Venli’s confession to Rlain and acceptance of his disgust at her was one of the book’s great moments. (And I can’t understand people saying her arc took up two much space. She had 5 chapters in Part 3, and 4 in Part 4. That’s not very many! I’ll grant that the flasbacks packed less punch than some earlier flashback sequences because we already knew the main events - Brandon acknowledged that even before the book came out - but I still liked them well enough, and Venli’s present-day arc was excellent.)

Anyway, the amount of space I’ve spent on this section relative to Part 3 is another strong inducation of the differences in how I feel about them!

PART 5

I should probably start this section with a discussion of Moash. I’ll try to keep it summarized. here - I could, and may, write a short essay on his development through The Stormlight Archive. The first thing that jumps out about Moash’s arc in this book is his reaction to Renarin’s vision in Part 1. I think that vision is showing Moash who he could still be, in a similar way to Shallan’s inspirational drawings of people - both use the Surge of Illumination. So it’s not that Moash is irredeemable; Renarin is specifucally holding out to him the possibility of redemption.

And Moash’s reaction is to run away in terror. Because he desperately wants his decision to be irrevocable. He desperately wants there to only be one possible path forward for him. Because if there are alternative paths, it means he can choose them, and that would mean facing guilt, facing the fact that his past choices were wrong, and his current choices are wrong. And that is exactly what Moash sought to avoid by giving up his pain and sense of guilt to Odium.

Moash is, nonetheless, very much Moash and not Vyre, as evidenced by his continuing obsession with Kaladin. As with his above need to not be wrong, here he needs to feel that he’s right, and the only way he can feel that he’s right is if Kaladin - whom he still deeply admires - makes the same decision as him, and if Moash can convince himself that he’s doing Kaladin a favour in driving him to that point. It’s ironic that he’s given up almost all feeling abd become almost enturely detached, but his worst actions are driven by his attitude towards the one person in the world who he still does have very strong feelings about. By the end of the book, he’s comprehensively broken, to the point that even when his ability to feel is restored he’s unable to even feel genuine remose over the cold-blooded murder of a friend. I don’t know where he’ll go from here - it would be ironic if he was only ever really appealing to Rayse-Odium, and Taravangian-Odium found Moash too much of a flat villain for his purposes and cast him off.

As the plot climaxes go, I thought the ones for Navani and Venli were excellent and very satisfying. I enjoyed Kaladin’s as well and found it cathartic, but it a was moment we all knew had to come, so it didn’t have quite the kick of some of Kaladin’s other big moments. I did love his reconciliation with Lirin. One of the themes of the book was finding common ground despite deeply felt disagreements - with Navani and Raboniel, with Navani and the Sibling, and with humans and singers/Fused more generally - and Kaladin and Lirin’s reconciliation fit well with that. I am far more favourable to Lirin than most people - if you’ve lived as a pacifist in storming Alethkar, which values the lives of its people slightly more than it does crem, you’re going to have been right a solid 95% of the time, where everyone else was wrong. I can make allowances for the other five percent, especially when Lirin’s life lesson from the last five or so years has been “resisting oppression and standing up for what you believe in will destroy everyone you love”.

And on the topic of finding common ground, Leshwi’s reaction to the revelation that Venli was a Radiant was one of the single most beautiful moments of the book, and one of my absolute favourites. It’s gorgeous and moving, and at the same time rather tragic, because - what might have bern different if Venli had revealed herself to Leshwi at the start of the book? How much of the conflict could have been avoided. Singers don’t appear to attract spren as strongly as humans do, which makes Leshwi drawing joyspren particularly powerful. And then the bittersweet note from “My soul is too long owned by someone else”. (Come to think of it, this is another inverted paralell to Moash. This is someone realizing “I was wrong about everything and I’m so glad about that because it means I have a chance to be someone better than I was.”) Oh my goodness, I would love a Leshwi chapter in a later book, just to check in on her and see how she’s doing in her new life with the Singers.

I also loved the climax of Navani’s arc, and was so relieved, because up until that very moment I wasn’t sure if the Sibling would survuve uncorrupted. I know that some people weren’t pleased because the Sibling didn’t even like her, but to me that became a core part of the story, like I said above - people who deeply disagree finding common ground and common cause. That is a key element of being a Bondsmith - the process of bringing people together in spite of their differences - and something that fits Navani so well given the rapport she found with Raboniel. (Though I was conflicted about the latter. On the one hand, she made amazing discoveries that enabled her to save Urithiru. One the other hand, she...kind of collaborated with the enemy and gave them terrible weapons out of intellectual curiosity and a desire to prove herself?) I will grant that it makes the series, and the characters with the most crucial importance to Roshar, rather Kholin-heavy.

For Taravodium, all I can say is - YIPES. I have no idea how to process the implications of that, but I feel like it will be bad. Really really bad. (Taravangian is probably my least favourite character in the entire Stormlight Archive. The attitude of “I am so brave and selfless for doing evil things and look at how wonderful I am for sacrificing my own morality for the benefit of all, you petty selfish people wanting to be good could never make such a grand sacrifice” drives me absolutely nuts. It’s a complete inversion and twisting of morality, and intensely arrogant.)

Dalinar’s encounter with Ishar was fascinating, and I’m very curious to see where this goes. The spren experiments were deeply creepy! And the way Radiant Oaths can temporarily restore a Herald’s sanity was fascinating - I’m very eager to see where this goes in the next book. I suspect that Dalinar may have made a very serious mistake with regards to this trial my combat, and I have no idea how/if they’re going to fit Szeth’s whole arc into the ten days before the duel. I’ve been eagerly anticipating Szeth’s arc ever since The Way of Kings!

#brandon sanderson #the stormlight archive #rhythm of war #row spoilers #kaladin #shallan #adolin #dalinar kholin #navani kholin #leshwi #moash

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butterflyinthewell · 4 years

Text

Dad took some steps today. He needed the therapist right there because he was so off balance that he would’ve fallen without support along with his walker. One of his feet is curling sideways and inward because he hasn’t been putting weight on his feet. That will be a problem and he may need a brace to straighten that out. It’s related to the whole “don’t use it and you lose it” aspect of Parkinson’s disease, and I was afraid of this.

I hope he gets to walk again as much as he could before because he will be stuck in one room for the rest of his life if he doesn’t. I think that’s the one incentive that makes him want to get back on his feet. My fear is he will then proceed to get up at night like he was doing when he got hurt in the first place. He still keeps mom awake till 3 and 4am because she’s a people pleaser who will give until she’s dead. Black hole people like my dad love finding bleeding hearts like my mom.

I’ve told mom to just put her foot down and go to bed, but I stayed up once to see what really happens. Dad whines and complains if mom says she’s going to bed. Suddenly he will want to be put on his bedside commode (which takes forever and then you wait for him to go and heave him back into bed), or he will want a sandwich or just anything that makes mom have to be busy on his behalf until she’s wide awake again when she was sleepy enough for bed before.

Just...AUGH...every good thing always comes with shit right behind it.

I think I’m going to ask my counselor or psychiatrist if there’s a way to screen for ptsd. My mental health is in the toilet and I’m having bizarre dreams and nightmares several times a week. My sleep is disrupted now, and that’s never been a thing for me. I’m constantly hyper vigilant. I’m having anger outbursts and the kinds of thoughts that intrude upon my mind are horrible.

If something happens to mom, I am helpless in all the issues that matter. Food, I can figure out, but I’m worse than useless for everything else. I cannot move dad to his commode or wheelchair, and he needs some support to move onto them. I’m too small, he outweighs me by over 100 pounds.

Most of my bad dreams are things happening to my mom, or there’s word that something happened and I can’t get any info on if she’s okay or not. Another kind I have is I’ve contracted COVID, or someone who comes in to see us has it and spreads it, and I’m the only survivor. Other dreams are the body horror type where I amputate my own body parts with a saw and hand them to people because I feel useless. I had one recently where I literally ran up to Hannibal Lecter with a knife and fork and told him to eat me, but he took the silverware away and wouldn’t do it because “no, you’re not rude.” I said I was, but he wouldn’t do it. I was so angry! I was angry about that dream all day!

I don’t believe I deserve anything good and I don’t see myself as a good person. I don’t deserve help.

I’m scared a lot. Just...I can be sitting here watching a cute kitten video on YouTube or eating dinner and get hit with a wave of fear.

None of this is how my mind usually works. I’ve never been in mortal danger(recently), but I’ve had my routines and life disrupted to such severe degrees that I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, and to me that’s almost the same thing as dying. I’m autistic, and autistic people are more prone to trauma from ‘mundane’ things that a neurotypical person wouldn’t flinch at.

I’m just worried the “not life-threatening” aspect will immediately disqualify a diagnosis.

In June 2019, I went into burnout after home health visits for dad threw all my routines away and they’re still getting destroyed by it because they can’t keep a consistent fucking routine.

July that year was my dad getting his DBS batteries replaced. It was sensory hell because I got my period the day of the surgery and spent the whole time nauseated and cramping, but being silent about it...only to get called selfish and horrible for mentioning how bad I felt after we were all home again. (Outpatient surgery)

September 2019, mom’s gallbladder almost blew up and she was rushed to the hospital. I was alone with dad, without warning, and had to function using emergency reserves that I didn’t have because I was in burnout. I ran around terrified that any mistake I made would get me screamed at by both my dad and sister. Mom was out of the house from Friday to Tuesday. Dad did nothing but demand and demand from me and yelled at me for melting down. I was almost out of meds and for awhile didn’t know if or when I would get them. I had to grocery shop with sister’s help and she kept getting upset at me for arranging the cart like mom did, and I ended up forgetting things I needed even though I had a list right in front of my face the whole time. I was that out of it.

An aid had to come bathe dad because mom couldn’t do it for at least six weeks. That happened whenever someone could come, so dinner, my showers and mom’s ability to do things were disrupted by waiting for the call that the aid was coming. Coverage only lasted six weeks and then the help was yanked the second mom was declared fit to lift more than 5 pounds again.

October 2019, our car died and so routines got thrown further out of whack because mom and I had to depend on friends and family for rides to grocery shop or go to church. Trips stopped being at a set time and turned into “whenever someone can drive you” so I was uprooted from my day with little warning, and we didn’t get a new car until early December.

December 2019: We Christmas shopped late because of the car bullshit, mom barely got the cookies baked in time, and it was just a super stressful Christmas season.

I struggled through the death anniversary of my dog because that year he was gone as many years as he had lived and I spent most of it in a disassociated state.

Then mom had her bowel obstruction the day after Christmas and was in the hospital from Friday to Sunday. Yet again she was gone and the routine was blown apart without warning. My sister gave me shit the first time I wore my new ear defenders to the grocery store. Dad did nothing but demand and demand from me when I had nothing. I ruined a dinner that I didn’t know how to cook and went hungry but made him eat leftover ham from Christmas.

January 2020, the COVID shit started on the news.

March 2020, I went to the grocery store with mom and shelves were empty like a nuclear war was coming. I was terrified that I would catch COVID and kill my parents by passing it to them. Church closed. Stores opened for senior hours at butthole o’clock in the morning. Weekend routines were destroyed. Choir practices stopped. More routine disruptions.

August 2020, I started having anniversary distress related to what happened to mom the year before.

Then dad fell and broke his hip. I still clear as day see him in his blue shirt, sitting on the stair chair, being pulled backwards out the front door by paramedics with the ambulance lights flashing red and blue under the midnight sky and white street light.

Late September, as I’m struggling a bit with the anniversary of what happened to mom, worrying about dad getting COVID and beginning to relax because “dad is going to be away till he can walk again...” there comes that phone call from shithole New Orange Hills saying they’re sending him home and we find out they lied to us about every promise they made.

October 2020, dad was brought home and now he’s laying in an electric bed in the family room where mom can hear him if he needs her.

Writing that down has me realizing I’ve been experiencing almost continuous upheavals to my routines. Routines give me a sense of safety, and every time things settle something else throws it all to shit again.

So either I have ptsd or I’m possibly developing it, and I’m scared because this seems so ridiculous compared to the reasons other people get it.

#swearing #dad fall drama #disabled abusers #emotional abuse #food mention #tw menstruation #tw pet death

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purplesurveys · 3 years

Text

1195

survey by n0b0dysp3rf3ct

—:: Who ::—

... was the last person you saw face to face? I passed by my brother last night when I had to go to the kitchen to fill up my tumbler.

... was the last person you texted or messaged online? Angela; I was just asking her for the difference among A4/A5/A6 since I’m now planning to buy a binder and sleeves for my rapidly increasing collection of photocards and postcards. It really frustrates me that A4 is the biggest one and A6 the smallest :((((

... was the last person who asked you for a favour? Kata, my manager. She filed a half-day leave last Friday to get herself and her family vaccinated in her town, so she had sent me over a very long to-do list of deliverables that she asked me to fulfill while she was out. Eventually she ended up filing a whole-day leave since she felt feverish after being under the sun all day, and also possibly from side effects of the vaccine, so I ended up carrying the entire workload for the day. I like Kata and she’s a very easy person and superior to work with, so I honestly couldn’t complain about it.

... was the last person you lent something to? Ooh, I don’t remember. I don’t really lend people things.

... was the last person who told you a secret/confided in you? Andi was just sharing to me their worries about taking the LAE (scheduled for today) and how they’ll be okay if they don’t pass.

... is the tallest person you know? Jo is like 5′7″ and we all look like beans when standing next to her. One of my uncles is also very tall; around 5′10″ or 5′11″ if I’m not mistaken.

... the shortest person you know? I think Aya? That’s just a smart guess, though; I haven’t seen most of my friends in more than a year.

... your oldest (in years) friend? Mik is turning 28 this year. Sometimes I forget just how much older he is than me since we vibe really well together during the rare times we did get to hang out. I’m still bummed we never got that smoke break we wanted to have.

... is the oldest (in length of time) friend? Angela.

... is your youngest friend? Hannah was born in 2000. Peter was born in 2001 but we aren’t that close yet.

... is your newest friend? I haven’t made any new friends recently. Stan Twitter is lonelier than I thought it would be; everyone is already friends with everyone so it’s hard to break that space. Not to mention everyone is also grossly younger than I am – I keep seeing profiles with ‘2004′ on their bio :/ I should start making an effort to look for older ARMYs lol, I definitely feel like I’d have more fun that way.

... is your closest relative? My eldest cousin on my mom’s side, my Kuya.

... was your favourite teacher? My music teacher from high school. I neeeeeever liked music as a subject and it was never a priority of mine, but she always kept our classes something for me to look forward with her advice and the way she was always able to make lessons interesting.

... was your least favourite teacher? Those who made it clear they didn’t like me, even though I didn’t do anything to deserve such hostility.

... did you spend the most time with when growing up? My siblings and cousins since we all lived together at one point.

... knows you the best? My two best friends.

... always beats you in games or sports? Andi would probably be able to beat me in any game. They just let me win because they know I can be a sore loser.

... who is the most creative of the people you know? My family is pretty artistic and I have a lot of talented relatives - my sister and my cousin Maggie paint and draw; my mom can make any kind of craft she wants, with her hnds; and one of my grand-aunts regularly does paintings. I think all of them are amazingly creative in their own way.

... is the funniest person you know? Probably Andi. Hans makes me crack up too.

... is the most organised that you know? My mom.

... that you know has travelled the most? My dad. Both our fridge doors are filled from top to bottom with magnets from places he’s travelled in due to his line of work. He’s toned down quite a bit in the last few years and has taken to staying within Asia, but back then his traveling history was super expansive – Germany, Jamaica, Italy, Belize, Aruba, Italy, France, Monaco, Denmark, Norway, the UK, US, Estonia, Portugal, etc.

... has always been there for you? Angela never left my side.

... has given you the most personal gift? I can’t possibly pick, my friends are pretty good at giving me gifts...like Andi getting me a Petals For Armor CD and a Punk shirt that hasn’t been produced in a while, and Angela giving me a personalized Friends mug because she knows I like my coffee and she knows I like Friends.

... has an annoying laugh? I don’t think anyone I know has an annoying laugh.

... never forgets a birthday? That would be me.

... do you live with? My parents, my two siblings, and our two dogs.

...,do you have the most in common with? I’m not so sure about this one, actually. I share bits of my personality with a lot of people - like me and Jo liking BTS, me and Andi liking wrestling, Blanch and I having similar personalities, me and Laurice being super meticulous when it comes to our work, etc. - but I haven’t met anyone who’s virtually a duplicate of mine when it comes to my traits and interests.

...is the sportiest person you know? I’m also not sure. Most people I know are into watching a bunch of sports, but none of them actually play.

...was your last missed call? It was an unknown number that I kept ignoring because THEY WOULDN’T TEXT WHO THEY WERE. If you have enough load credits to call me multiple times, then surely you can text me and introduce yourself first, and maybe then I can pick up the phone.

...did you last open your door for? My sister knocked last Friday because someone wanted to talk to me via landline. It was weird since no one calls via the phone anymore, but I have a gut feeling it was that ^ same person who had been trying to call me through my phone but never texted me. Eventually I learned it was one of the bloggers I’m talking to for work who just wanted to ask a few questions about our ongoing engagement.

... has your heart? Kim Taehyung. Expect the same answer for this type of question moving forward.

... has your respect? I gotta hand it to Tina for consistently doing well in her studies and excelling in every subject while doing photo and video editing for two orgs, working on her thesis, and being a board member in our mutual org, all while living alone. She does so well I wish I can tell her to give herself the occasional break to avoid burnout.

...do you share a special song with? I don’t think I have that with anyone.

...do you miss right now? Literally allllllll my friends.

...last made you angry? It’s been a while since I’ve directed my anger towards another person. When I get pissed off these days it’s usually over a situation that goes awry or out of my control.

...did you last buy a gift for? So this was not technically meant to be a gift, but what happened was I accidentally secured two orders of the same poster set, which was a part of this new BTS photobook coming out later this month, from two different shops. One of the shops merely posted an ‘interest check’ for the poster set so I signed up for it thinking it was harmless, but when they got back to me they already attached an invoice :/ I ended up having to pay for it just so things won’t get complicated between myself and the shop anymore; and I told Angela she can just keep the extra set I bought and that she can consider it a gift.

...did you celebrate your last birthday with? My family and technically my workmates since I didn’t file a leave that day. I also had food delivered to their house so I guess that can count as my ‘celebration’ with them.

...have you gone to a concert with? I went with Angela for my first Paramore show.

...can make you laugh? Anyone can tbh. It’s not very hard to make me laugh.

...has taught you how to do something? Nina taught me how to embroider and do basic needle/thread skills back when I was still getting into the hobby.

...has lost something of yours? I am almost certain my ex never kept the handwritten letters I used to write her. She never seemed to remember or bring up the things I wrote.

...has broke your heart? Gabie but I’m over it.

...has stood you up? Hasn’t happened to me before.

:: What ::

Is your favourite colour? Pastel pink.

Can you do that most your friends can’t? Type fast, apparently.

Is your birthday? April 21.

Colour eyes do you have? Dark brown/black.

Form of transport do you take to work/school? I work from home. But under normal circumstances I would drive my car.

Music do you like to listen to in the car? I connect my Spotify to the car’s Bluetooth and listen to whatever artist or playlist I’m into at the moment. The music I put on could also depend on my current mood for the day.

Languages can you speak? Filipino and English. I’ve also been able to pick up looooots of Korean phrases and expressions because of the amount of content I watch. I’m nowhere near fluent, of course, but I’m increasingly able to pick up what people say based off a few Korean words I’ll hear in a sentence.

Was the last thing you drank? Continued from idk. I finished off my glass of water from dinner.

Was the last thing you ate? My mom made pasta.

Time did you wake up this morning? Depends on how late I slept the night before and how tired I was, but it usually ranges between 5:45–7:30 AM.

Colour are your bedroom walls? They’re white.

Drink do you usually order when eating out? I never order drinks unless I’m at La Creperie, in which case I always get their San Gines hot chocolate; for everywhere else that isn’t a bar, I just get water.

Food can you cook well? ...I can’t cook.

Animals have you had for a pet? Dogs, rabbit, lovebirds, goldfish, and technically a cat but she was mostly Nina’s.

Are your initials? RC.

Kind of activities do you like to do on the weekends? I’m still kind of stuck at home during the weekends :/ so I can’t do much, but I’m not complaining since I actually prefer staying in these days. Anyway, most recently I’ve taken to catching up on BTS content I’ve missed over the last 8 years, so I like watching shows they’ve done like Bon Voyage, Run BTS, etc.

Movie do you know line by line? Two for the Road, TITANIC, and probably most of White Chicks.

Band(s) have you seen in concert? Paramore, One Direction, a bunch of local bands.

Do you buy/get to treat yourself? It’s usually food - I like giving myself a feast every Friday night - but I’m putting that in the backseat for now as I’ve realigned my money to be spent on BTS merch. My big purchases are saved for the albums for now, but every now and then I’ll see a postcard or photocard I like and buy them. Once I complete the albums I’ll be moving on to the concert DVDs, then the special packages, then probably BT21 plushies. Needless to say I have a longggggg way to go haha.

Colours your phone cover? I have a clear case.

Part of the world would you love to visit? Another continent would be nice.

Question do you dislike being asked? Even though I know people mean well, I don’t like being asked “How are you?” but tbh it’s more of a me thing because I just never really know what to say.

Subject were you good at in school? History.

Careers do your parents have? They both work in the hospitality industry.

Brand of clothing do you buy most often? For clothes clothes I’m not really loyal to a particular brand; I buy from different brands and shops all the time. But for shoes, I like sticking to Nikes.

Chocolate bar is your favourite? Not a big fan of chocolate bars. I love Reese’s Cups, though.

TV show have you watched every series of? Friends, Perfect Strangers, Breaking Bad.

Radio station do you listen to the most? It’s a little hard to tell at this point considering I haven’t driven regularly in over a year. But back when I used to do it, I usually flipped among 93.1, 99.5, and 87.5.

Podcasts are you subscribed to? I’m not the biggest fan of podcasts. Find them a tad bit boring.

Is your favourite dessert? Macarons or cheesecake.

Can’t you do that most around you seem to? Ride a bike.

Are 5 qualities you value in a friend? Loyalty, thoughtfulness, honest, sensitive to my needs and those of others, and intelligent.

Are 5 qualities you value in a partner? ^ Pretty much the same thing.

Size pizza do you usually order? Family size usually.

Cuisine do you like to order or cook? I’ve been getting Japanese so many times recently. I rarely go outside sushi.

Colour(s) dominate your wardrobe? Black and white, and colors that were in at one point like mustard yellow and pastel pink.

Toothpaste brand do you use? Colgate.

Sounds can you hear right now? My insanely loud aircon.

Is the weather like today? Like hell. I believe we’re reaching a heat index of over 50ºC every day now, so...that’s fun. It gets absolutely difficult to work in the afternoon when the temperature is at its most brutal, and its times like this I wish I got to work in the office so that there’s aircon and I could at least work comfortably :/

Are your plans for tomorrow? Just work and have tons of meetings, the usual.

:: Where ::

Do you keep your phone when not using it? I keep my phone near me even when I’m not using it since I could always get an important notification.

Were you born? Manila.

Do you go to unwind? Most days it would be the rooftop, but under normal circumstances I like staying at a coffee shop somewhere to escape life and my responsibilities for a short while.

Is your best friend right now? I believe they’re both at home since they have no reason to be out anyway.

Can you go nearby to have a good time? Personally, I would just go to the Starbucks near our village lol. If I’m feeling a bit more adventurous I’d head to Katip, which is prrrretty close by but not quite.

Is the nearest restaurant? We have a McDonald’s literally right beside the village. Then besides that is a Shakey’s, and right across that is a Burger King, then the aforementioned neaby Starbucks. Just makes me realize how urbanized my town has gotten in the last few years.

Is the nearest beach? If I had to guess, the nearest beaches would be in Batangas which is 2-3 hours away, but it really depends on how fast you can drive lol. I’m not too good with long car rides so in both times I’ve driven there I had always taken 4 hours.

Did you meet your closest friend? I met Angela in grade school, and I met Andi at a local rally in my university.

Did you go for your last vacation? Tagaytay, though it was a staycation more than anything else.

Is the nearest mall or superstore? It’s like a 3-minute drive away from the village.

Did you last get an injury? I have loadsssssss of new scratches and gashes all around my wrists from playing with Cooper.

Is the most extravagant place you’ve stayed at? It’s a toss-up between Aids’ or Gian’s house. Gian would probably win since I never actually got to go inside Aids’ place, and his was the first house I’ve been to that was able to literally take my breath away. OH and Shaun’s house was pretty fucking swanky as well.

Do most the local kids play? I would have no idea since I’m neither a kid nor a parent.

Have you been with your family? This is a very vague question lol...what do you mean where have we been? We’ve been to different towns around the country and several countries together, if that’s what you’ve been asking.

Did you spend Christmas last year? We visited a couple of relatives, and we also spent it at home.

Did your parents grow up? My mom grew up within Metro Manila; my dad in a city a little outside of it.

Did you buy the shoes you’re wearing? I’m barefoot at the moment and always am at home.

Would you like to go right now if you could? If life had still been normal I would probably be having after-work drinks at a bar near the office.

Do you miss the most from your childhood? I’m not sure how to answer this with where.

Is the best restaurant you know? I’m still searching for it.

Will you never go again as it was so bad? It’s not that it was bad, but I’d probably never dine at 8Cuts again because their burgers are not worth the hype and are very overpriced for their size.

:: When ::

...was your last vacation? My family’s last legit vacation was in August 2019; but we did have a quick escape to Tagaytay in January of this year.

...did you graduate? I officially ‘graduated’ from college in August, if you could even call it that.

...did you decide what career you wanted? Somewhere between my 2nd and 3rd year of college. That was when I decided I hated journalism and preferred PR, but since PR is under journalism’s umbrella there was no need for me to shift courses.

...did you have your first kiss? Continued. Like WHEN when or how old was I when? In any case, it was in January 2015 and I ws 16.

...did you learn how to swim? Idk, pretty early on. My parents liked taking us to water parks when we were younger, so we had a lot of exposure. I’m not sure if there was ever a time where something just clicked and I learned how to swim; I believe it had just come naturally.

...did you have your first relationship? By the end of 2014.

...did you meet your best friend? I met both of them in school, but at different points.

...do you feel the most at peace? Probably when I’m able to stay at the rooftop all alone.

...do you usually fall asleep? I’ve readjusted my body clock now (I used to want to be in bed by 9 or 10 PM, lmao) and I stay up until anywhere between 12-2 AM on weekdays.

...do you usually wake up? Ranges between 6-7:30 AM.

...did you last watch a movie? September.

...did you last go to a party? Around Februaryish, 2020.

...did you last cry? I can’t really recall. The last moment I can remember was crying over Life Goes On sometime last month, when I heard it for the first time. I’m just not sure if that’s accurate or when exactly in April that happened.

...did you laugh really hard? I always have a good laugh at least once a day.

...did you buy something pricey last? Idk what you would count as pricey but I bought the new BTS photobook set when it dropped back in April. Cost me around ₱3750. I wasn’t able to buy from the first press (it sold out in like 7 minutes lol) which included an exclusive poster set, so I had to look for a local shop that was already offering the poster set separately, and ended up shelling out another ₱2200 for it...which means all in all I spent around ₱5950 for it or roughly $125.

...did you have an argument last? Earlier this evening but I don’t want to get into it as it made me cry from sadness and frustration for the first time in months.

...did you last have a sick day? May last year.

...did you last recieve a hug? I have no idea. February, I think? when I hung out with my friends.

...when is your best friend’s birthday? July 22 or September 15, depends on which best friend.

...did you learn how to drive? I started getting lessons when I was 17, but I didn’t start feeling comfortable with it until I turned 18.

...did you last receive a surprise? Around a couple of weeks ago when my dad came home with Jollibee for us.

:: How ::

Many pets do you have? Two.

Many houses have you lived in? Three that I can remember, but I know my parents moved around a bit when I was a newborn.

Often do you shower? Every morning before my shift. I hate feeling sweaty and icky when I report for work.

Well can you cook? I can’t at all.

Many close friends do you have? I have two people I count as my absolute best friends, but I have a handful of close friends as well.

Many Brothers or sisters do you have? One of each.

Often do you go swimming? I don’t swim much at all, really...I haven’t done it since 2019, so that should say enough. As relaxing as it is, I feel like the clean-up afterwards can be such a challenge lol. Like if you swim in a pool you have to rigorously wash the chlorine off of you; and if you swim in the sea you have to also be thorough about making sure you’ve removed all the sand from your body.

Many times have you texted today? I don’t think I texted today but I did spend my whole day on chat platforms.

Do you like your toast (colour, topping)? I don’t have super particular preferences; I just like mine on the burnt side.

Do you like your tea and/or coffee? My coffee has to be sweet for me to enjoy it. I can take black coffee/Americano; I’ll just wince a lot with every sip. No tea for me thanks.

Do you like to celebrate your birthdays? With a lot of food.

Are you feeling today? A little frustrated because of an argument incident this evening. But I’m shaking it off and just focusing on the release of Butter tomorrow. My first BTS comeback!!!

Serious are you about your career goals? Very.

Many rooms are in your house? In total, 9.

Many bedrooms in your house? 4.

Did you do in your school exams? I was never consistent. I slacked off a looooooot in grade school; couldn’t give less of a shit about my classes then. I got a bit more hardworking in high school, but I still was a bit lax and I allowed myself to not put a lot of effort in subjects I didn’t care a lot for and that I know I would never have to use in real life, like chemistry or accounting, so there were exams I really excelled in and others that I would fail. It was only in college I started taking my studies incredibly seriously and I believe that showed in the grades I eventually got.

Close do you live to your parents? They’re like, five steps away.

Close do you live to your siblings? My sister’s literally in the room next to mine.

Sensitive to criticism are you? I know it’s something that can never be avoided, so I’m always open to hearing them, especially if it’s meant to help me. It doesn’t mean I enjoy it as it is being given.

Motivated to make changes are you? Depends on my mood and mindset.

Creative are you (1-10): -0.5.

Hard working are you (1-10): Probably a 22 if I really put my head into a task.

Sporty are you (1-10): I dunno, maybe a 6? I do like playing table tennis, but I’m pretty meh at any other sport.

Musical are you (1-10): 0.

Do you prefer your eggs? Runny yolk; scrambled; or a really packed omelette.

Often do you go out to eat? Before the pandemic, I liked eating out 2-3 times a week.

Would your best friend describe you? Not sure, I never tried asking them this. I hope it’s all nice things, though.

Can someone cheer you up if you’re sad? Send me photos of V. Hahahaha

Often do you meet up with your friends? ...What do you think? D:

Important is religion to you? It is not a part of my life whatsoever.

Old were you when you first stayed overnight from home? 15 or 16, I can’t really remember.

Old were you when you got your first pet? I was maybe 6.

Tech savvy are you? I know enough to survive my own, but I obviously can’t hack into other computers or things like that.

Do you show you appreciate those you care for? Buying them food.

Often do you cut your hair? I only take a trip to the salon once a year.

Often do you paint your nails? Never.

Many countries have you visited? Six.

Boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Just one.

:: Why ::

... did you choose your username? Because it was straightforward.

... did you take this survey? I like surveys made in categories, and this seemed interesting and varied enough.

... did you choose the career you did? I found that I enjoyed it MILES more than journalism.

...did you last leave the house? I had to go to a local LBC for a work errand.

...did you last give up on something? She wasn’t worth the effort anymore. She hadn’t been for a while, but it took me forever to realize.

...did you search the last thing you searched? I wanted to sing along to the song but it was in Japanese, so I had to look up its lyrics.

...would you give up on someone completely? Oof, I guess you can refer to one of the previous questions. ^

:: If...::

You could live in any country which would you choose? Canada.

You could choose any animal as a pet which one? I’m perfectly content with dogs.

You could be famous for something what would you like? Being known for a funny tweet would probably be enough lol. I have no desire to be famous.

You are sad, how do you combat it? I don’t really get sad anymore these days, so I can’t super remember the go-to tactics I depend on...I guess I like listening to sad songs and allowing myself to wallow in the sadness, because I know I have to accept and process my feelings first before I can be able to calm down.

You can drive when did you learn? I learned shortly before I started college, when I was 18, because no one was going to be able to take me to university when the school year started.

You could have any job what would it be? Idk, I like the one I have now.

You could go anywhere for a vacation where would you go? Somewhere with a completely different feel and atmosphere, like Norway, Sweden, Finland...that part of Europe, basically.

You could eat anything right now what would it be? Samgak gimbap :/

You wrote a book what genre/topic would it be? It would be a book of essays or maybe a memoir.

You had a theme song what would it be? Idk I don’t really think about this.

You could meet any band/singer in person which one? Billie Eilish seems awesome and easy and fun to talk to.

You could act in any movie which would it be? No thanks.

You get married what venue would you like? Hotel.

If you have kids do you have names picked out? I have one name picked out for a girl but that’s it.

Could describe your dream home what would it be like? Brutalist and minimalist, with large windows, cove lights, and a lot of white space.

You could go back in time what would you change? Break up with Gab earlier.

Could use 3 words to describe your childhood which ones? Could’ve been better.

Could get the answer to any question which question would you choose? When I would die and how, just so I can have peace of mind.

You could have an endless supply of something what would it be? Money, because of course.

Meet anyone who no longer lives who’d you choose? My great-grandfather, mom’s side.

:: Can ::

... you ride a bike? No, never learned.

... you ski? I’ve never even seen snow, so no.

... you bake a cake? I can try but it will probably be very clumsily made as I don’t bake.

... you sing well? I wouldn’t say that. I like singing when I’m alone, but it doesn’t mean I’m any good.

... you do your own taxes? I’ve never tried haha so I guess not.

... you remain calm in a crisis? Depends on how serious it is.

... you do first aid? Let’s just say I wouldn’t volunteer if it comes down to it because I feel like I’d commit one fatal mistake that would make the situation graver.

... remember your best friend’s family members’ names? Both of their families, yes.

... you fire a gun? I’ve never tried so I doubt it.

... your parents drive? Yep.

...your best friend dance well? They’re not ‘dancers’ per se but sure, they can bust out a move or two.

...you make people laugh easily? Not everyone, but sure.

...stand up for yourself? That’s what I’m trying to learn these days.

...you do a martial art? No.

:: Would ::

You like to learn a new language? That’s always a welcome opportunity.

Save the life of a stray animal? Absolutely.

Know what to do if there was a hurricane? We have several ones come in the country every year so yeah, I can definitely say we’ve long been well-prepared for them.

Try a new cuisine? I do this as often as I can.

Risk your life for anyone? Yes.

You like to get back in touch with someone? No, I’m good now.

You drive in the middle of the night to get a stuck friend? Ina heartbeat.

You Know how to perform CPR? In relation to the first aid question, I wouldn’t volunteer myself in case I make a wrong move.

You likely win in a game of chess? I don’t even know how it works, so no.

You stop talking for a day for $100? Easily.

#survey #surveys

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crowdedimagines · 5 years

Text

Let’s Go Home - David Dobrik

an: this honestly turned out SO FUCKING CUTE! i love some david fluff

David has been editing for hours. Never taking a break, stopping to eat, or even to take a moment for himself. It’s been that was for weeks now. Even with only posting twice a week, he still feels the pressure from fan’s expectations.

I’ve tried getting him to step away, even just for a few minutes, but he won’t.

“You need to go home.” I pause, “It’s what’s best for you, David.”

“I am home.” He doesn’t even glance up to respond.

I shake my head and place my hand on his to finally capture all of his attention.

“I mean home home. Back to your family.”

“No, I can’t take a break like that.” He immediately shuts down.

“Yes, you can.” I run a hand through his hair. It’s something I’ve picked up on since we started dating that calms him down. It’s something small I can do to help alleviate any stress.

“No, I can’t post the same. I can’t focus around my family back home.”

“David, you shouldn’t have to focus all the time.”

There’s a pause in our conversation where I’m sure he’s realizing I’m right.

“What would the fans think?”

“They love you, if you need a week, a month, whatever it is, the real ones will be there through it all.” I reassure. “You need to put yourself first. They will still be there whenever you come back.”

David sleeps on it that night, he stopped editing and crashed early. He actually woke up before me for the first time in a long time.

“Hey.” I rub at my eyes sleepily. It’s weird seeing him up before me, even if he’s still in bed.

“Hey.” He smiles and turns away from his laptop.

“Are you editing?” I ask.

“Nope.” He quickly shuts his laptop.

“What were you doing?” I ask with a laugh.

“Booking a flight.” He smiles.

“Really?” I grin, excited he listened to my advice, “When do you leave?”

“We leave tonight.”

Wait what?

“We?”

“Will you come with me?” He has a hopeful look on his face that only makes me love him more.

“Of course I will baby. Are you sure that you want me to?”

“Yeah of course I do-”

“No, really. This is time for you to regroup. If you need to be by yourself and with family to do that I totally understand.” I explain.

“You are my family too, Y/n.” David presses a kiss to my lips. “I need you to come with me.”

“As long as you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. Without you, I wouldn’t have even realized what a burnout I was in. Thank you for watching out for me like that, even when I don’t want to listen.”

“Always.” It’s my turn to surprise him with a kiss.

“Let’s go home.” He nods.

After finally dragging myself out of bed with David I run back home to pack my bags.

“Hey!” David picks up the phone after the first ring.

“Hey, quick question. How long should I pack for?” I pull my suitcase out of my closet and throw it onto my bed.

“I didn’t pick a return date. I bought one-way tickets.”

“Ohh.” I smile, he’s really taking this seriously. He knows that he needs this.

“Is that okay? I understand if you can’t be gone-”

“No, David. I’m just glad you’re taking this seriously. I’m there as long as you want me there.”

“Okay good.” He lets out a sigh of relief, “Hurry up and pack so you can come back!”

“I will, I will!”

I finish packing, a variety of things to wear because I honestly don’t know how long we’ll be here. If I were basing it off my last trip home with him I would pack lots of layers, but thankfully it’s summer and Illinois will be plenty warm.

I manage to fill an entire suitcase and part of my carryon with clothes and shoes. I lug it back into my car and drive back to David’s house.

“Hey!” I let myself in.

I walk over to catch David editing on his laptop.

“Hey! What are you doing?” I ask sitting down next to him, “No more vlog related things.”

“I know! I just want to let the fans know so I just recorded like a minute thing that I’ll add to the vlog that I edited yesterday.”

After he uploads I help him pack and we tell Natalie the plan. She is free to do whatever until further notice, other than a ride to the airport.

Natalie drops us off and we walk to our gate.

“It feels weird not having my camera.” David says as we sit down, early for a flight for maybe the first time ever.

“Yeah, it’s weird seeing you without it.” I smile and reach out to take his hand in mine, “Did you bring it?”

“Yeah, it’s in my bag just in case, but I don’t think I’ll need it.”

The flight is calming, we both fall asleep only waking once we’re descending. We decide to rent a car for the time being, knowing that we won’t want to borrow his parents whenever we want to go anywhere.

“You told your parents we were coming, right?” I unclip my seatbelt and reach into the back seat for my bag.

“Uhhh.” David scratches the back of his neck and avoid eye contact, his easy tell.

“David!” I smack his shoulder.

So not only are we showing up at there house at one in the morning, but we’re showing up completely unexpected.

“It’s fine!” He shrugs, “I never used to tell them when I was coming home. I still have a key and my room. We’ll see them in the morning.”

We grab the rest of our bags, I try to stay as quiet as possible to avoid waking anyone, but David doesn’t seem to care. We throw our stuff down on the floor by his window.

“How am I still tired.” David yawns and sits down on the edge of his bed.

“You’re catching up for lost time.” I smile and walk over to stand in front of him.

“I feel like I’m wasting time.”

“Wow, so spending time with your girlfriend is wasted time.” I tease.

“That’s not what I meant.” He rolls his eyes, “I just feel like I could be coming up with ideas or filming.”

“David, the whole point of this is to take a step back from that.” I push back the hair on his forehead.

“Get some sleep. I’ll keep you entertained in the morning.”

“That sounds dirty.” He smirks, his hands raising to my hips.

“That’s not what I meant.” I push back on his shoulders so he lays flat on the bed, “Go to bed, baby.”

I walk over to my bag and take off my clothes from the plane ride. I shimmy out of my leggings and pull my shirt off over my head before throwing on a clickbait sweatshirt.

“Now, how am I supposed to go to sleep after that.” He gestures to me, looking me up and down.

“Try.” I tease.

I climb into bed next to him, his arm almost instantly wrapping around my waist.

“Goodnight.”

“Night, baby.”

I wake up before David the next morning, back to the normalcy of our relationship. I put on shorts before sneaking downstairs to find everyone in the kitchen having breakfast.

“Morning.” I announce myself.

“Y/n!” David’s mom walks forward and pulls me into a hug.

I get a wave from David’s dad by the stove and all of the siblings rush over to give me hugs too.

“You aren’t surprised to see me?” I ask with a laugh.

“We heard you guys coming in last night.” She explains, “Well, we heard David and assumed you were with.”

“Yeah, I can’t believe he didn’t tell you guys.” I roll my eyes.

“Please, that’s how he’s always been.” She rolls her eyes with a laugh. I take a seat at the table with everyone else, digging into the breakfast they’ve made. Laughing along with everyone as the kids talk about school. I’m really grateful to be so close with them. I was nervous to meet his family for the first time, but now it’s not even a question.

“Morning.” David half mumbles as he stumbles into the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep away from his face.

His parents get up to give him a quick hug before he takes a seat next to me. He presses a kiss to my lips before reaching across the table for a piece of bacon.

“So, how long are you here for?” David’s mom looks between us for an answer and all I can do is shrug.

“Not sure.” David answers.

David’s POV

We carry on with breakfast after that, no one really asking about it.

“So Sara, how did your cheer auditions go on Tuesday?” Y/n asks, direction all of her attention to Sara.

How did Y/n even know about that? Do they talk regularly? I know Y/n is pretty tight with everyone here, which makes me beyond happy. It took her hours to become my siblings favorite person ever.

I don’t even notice Sara’s response because I’ve been staring at and thinking about Y/n for a couple of minutes now. She’s moved onto asking Ester and Toby questions.

How did I luck out and find a girl like her?

Y/n POV

We move on to talk about other things going on in everyone’s lives. We never really address the need for David to be here, everyone knows just by looking at how drained he is. It takes days for David to fall into the rhythm of not filming everything. He eventually gets back to himself and just enjoying things in the moment.

“So, how did you get him here?” David’s mom asks as we wash dishes together or rather she washes and I dry them.

“What do you mean?” I question.

“I have been trying to get that boy to slow down since the day he moved out. He’s a hard boy to get through to sometimes. Especially when it comes to his fans.”

I simply shrug and focus on drying the dish while I think of an answer.

“I’ve been worried for a while. He didn’t want to listen and finally he got to the point that I think he could tell that he needed to take a step back. I love him more than anything, he loves filming. I don’t want him to burnout and end up resenting it. So I talked to him and we decided it would be best if he came here.”

“Thank you for looking out for him.”

“Yeah! Of course I-”

I turn to look over and she has tears in her eyes, a small smile on her face.

“It’s okay!” I set down my dish and pull her in for a hug. I can feel her let herself cry.

“I’ve failed him.” She sobs, it breaks my heart.

”Hey, he’s fine. He is happy! He needed time to just be David again and that exactly why we’re here. He needed you guys, he’s gotten so much better in the week we’ve been here. He needed to cleanse himself and be around his family. You are an amazing mom. David and his three other siblings are proof of that.”

“He needs you too.” She answers after a slight pause, “You have been a blessing to that boy and this family. Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me.” I pull back so I can look at her, “I love that boy. A lot. Thank you for giving me him.”

“No more thanks.” She laughs, “We’re family. No more thank yous, deal?”

“Deal.”

David’s POV

I wipe away the tears that have escaped my eyes and try to remain quiet. I was going to run back into the kitchen to ask Y/n a question when I heard them talking about me. I wasn’t expecting to hear that. I didn’t know that they were so worried.

I quickly run back up to my room, I change out of my clothes and wipe at my eyes a couple more times. Y/n will be up any minute and she’ll notice instantly. I hear her steps come closer and I sit down on my bed.

“Hey!” She smiles and shuts the door behind her.

“Hi.” My voice catches in the back of my throat, fuck.

She immediately turns to look at me and her face softens at the sight.

“What’s wrong?” She kneels down next to me.

“Nothing.” I shake my head and smile.

“Tell me, Dobrik. You know I’m not letting this go.”

I nod and laugh knowing she’s right.I pull her onto my lap and lean back a little so I can look at her.

“I overheard you talking with my mom.” I admit.

Her face flushes for a second before she smiles.

“And?”

“I love you so much.” I pull her in close against my chest. Breathing her in and she just lets me.

“Thank you for everything. I knew that you were perfect, but just hearing you talk with my mom like that. It hit me hard, you know exactly what to say.” I hastily wipe away another loose tear. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Y/n. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

She pulls back to look at me, a smile on her face, her eyes wet.

“I do too. If that wasn’t obvious when you heard me talking earlier.” She smiles and rolls her eyes.

“Marry me.” I whisper.

“What?” Her eyes are wide, but her grin only grows wider.

“Marry me.” I smile too, “I mean it. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You’re already a part of my family. Let’s make it official. Y/n, will you marry me?”

“Yes.” She cheers, she leans closer making our lips meet. A slight mix of both of our tears at this point, but neither of us are complaining, “Oh my god, yes.”

“I love you!”

“I love you, too!”

PART TWO??

#david dobrik x reader #david dobrik imagine #david dobrik x you #david dobrik imagines #david dobrik gif #david dobrik #david imagines #david imagine #David's Vlogs #david #davids vlog #vlog squad imagines #vlog squad #vlog squad smut

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alluringoneirataxia · 4 years

Photo

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened. Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

#asd #autisminwomen #autism #actuallyautistic #aspie #aspie memes

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studynowsandee · 5 years

Text

I’ve decided to stop going to law school.

This is me not giving up. This is me knowing that law isn’t for me. This is me choosing to be happy. This is me choosing my heart over my mind. This is me choosing myself.

I didn’t know it was such a big deal to some people to know what was going on in my life. I still think I don’t owe anyone an explanation because this is my life. I know my decision did not hurt anyone. But here I am and I’m just gonna rant whatever I feel. 😂

Let me start by stating the real reason why I decided to go to law school. It was mainly because I was not ready to face the real world and that I just wanted to try if this would work for me, to experience and face a new challenge. My parents were not forcing me, but they were always convincing me to try it out, and I did. I was also inspired by other prominent lawyers such as the late Miriam Santiago who was such a strong woman. I didn’t do it for the money, because if I did, I never would have entered law school at all. Another reason was that I wanted to help the people who could not afford to have a lawyer and those who are in need.

Over the last semester of my third year in law school, I did not exert that much effort in my studies, compared to how focused I was during my first and second year.

My study routine for the first two years used to be waking up at 7 am, to start studying around 8 or 9 am, then going to classes from 5:30 pm to 8:30 pm, and then study from 9 pm to 12 am. I usually had only 4-5 hours of sleep a day. Giving myself more time to sleep was only going to make me feel guilty. My day would consist of at least 10-12 hours of studying, 3-4 hours of school, and 4-5 hours of sleep. That was my routine for 2 friggin years. I was slow and my memory was bad, which meant that I had to study harder than the others who get the lessons quickly. I studied hard to understand the lessons. I didn’t stop until I understood them. I made my own notes so that I could understand the lesson in my way and at my own pace. I was happy and excited for the new challenges that I was facing. I was even running this studyblr. I was still inspired.

But when I reached my third year, I felt burnout. My efforts were mediocre. But thankfully, I still passed the first semester. Then the second semester came and everything became worse. I then told myself that I would prioritize myself more than my studies. I would stop studying when I feel like I don’t understand anything anymore. I’d sleep for 8 hours a day (yes, sleep is a big deal for me). I stopped making my own notes. I don’t even read the book and merely rely on other notes. Study only around 3-4 hours a day or sometimes none at all. I was getting depressed. My anxiety and stress were over the roof even when I was already prioritizing myself and studying less. I doubted myself more and asked myself a million times why was I here. I was exhausted.

Basically, I slacked off, which resulted in me failing three subjects (8 units) out of seven subjects (18 units) and getting kicked out of our school. (We have a rule in school where you can only fail 6 units, and if you exceed, you’re out of the school.) I thought I decided to transfer to another school. I already started looking for other options. The only thought that was in my mind at that time was that I just wanted to get law school over with so I can start another chapter in my life.

This then made me realize that if I was only rushing myself to finish law school in order to get to another part of my life, then maybe I should just stop. That would not be the right reason to continue. If I would rush and push myself, maybe I would be compromising my studies and I would only fail the bar. Even if I pushed myself to the finish line, I would still feel empty and not happy. I was scared that the bar exam and review would just make everything worse. I lost the drive to continue fighting for that “Atty.”

I was bawling when I told my parents, and hearing my mom comforting me everything. My parents were really understanding. They did not get mad nor did they question my decision. They were really supportive. They told me that I did not fail them and that they were still very proud of me. And that is enough for me.

After I decided to stop, I felt that the heavy burden on my shoulder was gone. I was excited about the future and the next chapter of my life.

If you would ask me if I regret going to law school, nope. I did not. I would go through it all over again if I had to. Law school taught me so many things and opened my eyes to more important matters. It gave me so many things (such as stress, anxiety, self-doubts. HAHAHA kidding, maybe), but it really helped me grow as a person, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope people would learn that failure is a part of life. It is not something to be afraid of, nor it is something to be ashamed of. It is just a step towards achieving what you really want, and it is not a barometer on how good or bad you are. Learn and grow from your failures to become a better person.

#rants #studynowsandee #law school #studyblr #philippines #studyblrph #filipino studyblr #lawblr #lawblrph

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theolddarkmachine · 4 years

Text

Imaginary- Chapter One

Midoriya Izuku’s life was turned upside by fate.

Eri’s life was turned upside down by circumstance.

And Bakugou Katsuki is about to learn that even imaginary friends need to grow up.

Also on AO3

A/N: Whoo buddy, why is it so scary posting something for a new fandom? Maybe it’s because I’ve been suffering severe writing burnout for the past handful of months, or maybe it’s because I didn’t even realize I was going to write anything for this pairing until the idea struck me. Whatever it is, I guess welcome to my first ever BakuDeku fic lol please be gentle with me Gonna go big or go home with this bad boy, so I hope you guys like it enough to stick around for the long haul with me. Anyway, this is the If You Could See Me Now AU I always wanted to write, but never had a pairing that I thought fit it the way I wanted it to be.

***********************************

Imaginary friends are meant to help those who have forgotten how to smile. -Yagi Toshinori

***

Staring down into the brown depths of his coffee, Midoriya Izuku wills the caffeine to enter his bloodstream through instantaneous osmosis. It’s all in vain, he knows, but he’d do just about anything to combat the fatigue that has turned his brain into mush.

The tired that he feels is a different kind of tired than what he was used to.

Before, the black bags under his eyes were somewhat of a badge of honor, only proving how much work he was putting into his latest case.

Before, while he would feel the quiet ache of his sleep deprivation like a second coat around his shoulders, it had never felt suffocating or as if it was sucking the very life out of him.

Of course, before, he had been working his way through the ranks of the Tokyo police department, married to his job and returning to a quiet and empty home at night with his only care in the world being how he would tackle his next day of work.

The sound of the chair beside him grating across the linoleum as it’s pulled out drags him forcefully from the depths of his mug as he looks over to the 4-year-old girl who has joined him.

Eri had been the result of his greatest work accomplishment.

The department had been working on trying to land a blow on the Shie Hassaikai since before Izuku had shown up as their newest recruit, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and wholly unaware of the fact that in just five years time he’d have a hand in the biggest bust of a criminal organization in Tokyo’s modern history.

Years of planning, and stakeouts, and undercover had led his team to the front door of a warehouse. Tucked in a corner of an unassuming commercial dock, they had burst through the front door with gas and guns, and managed to capture the group’s tactical mastermind, Chisaki Kai.

After putting the biggest names of Shie Hassaikai into the backs of several police cruisers, they’d searched the docks only to find a shipping container filled with kids. Ranging in age from 4 to 14, they had cowered instinctively against the opening of the doors, shrinking back into the shadows and looking at the policemen in a way that had made Izuku’s stomach turn.

It had taken time to get them all out of there, and then to find the homes that they had been torn from. Reunion after reunion had come until finally there was one left.

Eri, the youngest of the group, had been the slowest to open up to them and even when she had, it had only been to Izuku. She had clung to him by the end of the first week, only taking food and drink from him, and very quietly whispering answers to his questions.

That was how he had found that of the 23 children they had rescued that night, Eri was the only one whose parents wouldn’t be coming to pick her up. The couple had found themselves on the receiving end of Shie Hassaikai’s anger. Their ending had been somewhat of an easy out in comparison to the future they had unknowingly subscribed their daughter to.

The department had told Izuku what the next steps were to be. Eri would be placed in foster care where she would hopefully find a new home before she turned 18 years old and found herself out on the street.

There was no secret as to what happened to most kids in the system, and as far as he had seen it, Eri was going from one horrible situation to another, and all because of the folly of adults. No one deserved that.

She didn’t deserve that.

So, he did the only thing he could think of.

He adopted her.

And even now, three months later in a new home in an old town and temporarily jobless, he doesn’t regret.

That being said, he is fucking tired.

Who knew raising a 4 year old alone would sap the very life out of you?

Well, besides most parents, and now, Izuku.

In hindsight, he supposes it only been a matter of time. He had been running on fumes and caffeine before he even brought Eri into his life. There was only so long that he could have viably maintained properly caring for the girl, getting her to daycare every morning, working a ten hour shift, picking her up, feeding her, getting her to bed, going over what needed to be done for his latest case before passing out for a few hours of sleep, and then waking up bright and early to do it all again.

At the end of it all, he’s sure the only one who was surprised by his collapse at work had been himself.

You’re working yourself to the bone, his best friend and coworker Shinsou had said. Something has to give, Izuku.

The truth of it was that he had known that.

Had known it since the first couple of days when the gentle embrace of general fatigue had evolved into a sharp ache that he couldn’t shake. He’d made it two months, 6 days and 13 hours before it had finally caught up with him so that had to count for something.

Shinsou was right, and that’s how Izuku found himself sitting at a brand new table, in a brand new house, in the small town that he had run from all those years ago.

Moving back home had been the next logical step in the grand scheme of things. His mom could help with Eri, the price of living was significantly cheaper, and their police department was a branch off the main department in Tokyo which only made transferring all too easy.

After a couple of phone calls, a significant dip into his savings, and a seven and a half hour drive later, Izuku had officially started a new life.

About a month had passed since then, and while he hadn’t expected to have everything to be miraculously better, he had at least hoped he’d feel rested enough before starting work in a week’s time.

That, it seemed, had been a fruitless hope.

Because god damn, he was tired.

And judging from Eri’s wide yawn, she was too.

“Good morning,” he says, trying to ignore how his own voice is thick with sleep as he pushes a plastic container of chocolate donuts towards her.

“Morning Daddy Izuku,” Eri says sleepily, grabbing one of the small donuts with her small hands. As she munched on her donut, with her eyes locked on the table, Izuku looked over her. Her long, silvery blonde hair was knotted with wild bedhead that he was sure would take them quite a bit of time to tame, and lots of treat blackmail on his part to ensure she sat still for.

Slightly hunched and with her legs swinging as she continued to eat, and with her bright pink pajamas still slightly too big for her frame, she looked even smaller than she already was. She’d come such a far way from how Izuku had found her, but it still twisted his gut when he thought about how the sweet girl had seen more in her life than most adults.

Deep down, he knows it wasn’t his job to make up for the wrong the world had done to her, but he feels he owes it to her anyway.

If not his job, then whose, he wonders as he takes a sip of his coffee to swallow down the grit of sleep clinging to his throat.

“Want some milk?” He asks after resurfacing, getting up at the first sign of her small nod. Gently putting his mug on the mahogany table, he turns toward the kitchen.

With his back to Eri, he misses the way her eyes shift quickly to the chair next to her, and the wide grin her mouth pulls into as she reaches her hand into the plastic container for another donut.

Placing it on the table, she nods before stuffing the rest of her own donut in her mouth.

When Izuku returns, Eri’s own small pink mug in his hand, the donut beside her is gone.

***

There was something comforting, yet altogether depressing about the fact that his mother’s home hadn’t changed at all in the 26 years that Izuku had been alive. Just walking through the front door had transported him back to a time that had been altogether easier.

At the time, he had taken the ease for granted, instead focusing on how he had always felt like something had been missing.

Not that Izuku had ever thought anything as grand as being meant for so much more, but he had always had dreams that at least amounted to so much more than the town of Noto and its population of almost 18,000.

And now he was back and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel small.

It didn’t help being surrounded by photos documenting his life, most notably the large graduation photo on the mantle, taken just after he’d received his badge from the academy.

“Izuku,” his mom’s voice was gentle as it prodded him straight out of his thoughts and back onto the grey couch in which he sat. Her eyes conveyed the same gentleness, encapsulated in a green that was a little less like the hard emerald of his own, and more like a calm sea.

They seemed to see through him as he made a questioning sound in his throat.

“I asked how Eri was liking that daycare! They had wonderful reviews, and while I’m sure they aren’t as good as Mrs. Tanoshi was, I guess we don’t have much of a choice since that poor woman is almost 80 now,” she says, her voice comforting as it rambled just slightly about Izuku’s old caretaker.

He bites back on a comment about how he had thought she had already been closer to ancient, even back then.

“She seems to like it,” Izuku says instead, shifting his gaze over his mother’s shoulder and toward the patio door where he can see Eri smiling and playing by herself in the yard. “She’s been happier at least, especially the last couple of days.”

Outside, he sees Eri run as if she’s chasing something, her mouth split wide around a laugh he can’t hear. His heart squeezes with a feeling he’s starting to realize is a mix of pride and something like adoration.

“That’s so good, Izuku,” his mom says warmly, her eyes still cutting through him as he turns his gaze back to her. Lips pulled up gently in the corners, she’s looking at him with that all knowing mom look.

“What?” He finds himself asking, fully indignant like the teen the house made him feel like again.

In his peripheral, he sees a ball fly high as it arced across the yard.

“Nothing, honey,” she says, gently grabbing his knee as she leans in. It’s a soothing sort of touch before she continues, “I’m just so proud of you, is all.”

Heat rises up and over his neck, racing to his cheeks and turning his skin what he’s certain is a terrible shade caught between sunburn and tomato.

Admittedly, he and his mom had always had a good relationship.

If anyone had asked her, she’d tell them Izuku had been a wonderful child, filled with imagination and idealism and dreams. If anyone asked Izuku, he’d tell them his mom had been a sweet mother who had taught him with a stern but loving hand, and who had always supported him in his dreams even when she was worried.

She’d always said she was proud of him, but something about the way she said it now, her eyes sparkling with something unknown to him, made his eyes burn.

“I know you always wanted to be a hero, Izuku,” she says, squeezing his knee, “and now you are one.”

The acknowledgement buries itself deep in the center of his chest as he tries to swallow down the lump that’s forming in his throat.

“I know it’s hard, trust me. Parenting isn’t easy, honey. But you have to know that you’re that little girl’s hero,” she concludes before smiling wider at him. Letting go of her hold, she pats his leg before pushing herself off the couch and turning to look out the patio doors.

Keeping his gaze on his mother’s back, Izuku clears his throat and quickly passes the back of his hand across his eyes to catch the moisture that has collected at their edges.

“We should probably get going,” he manages to get out as he stands up beside her. Izuku stands taller than her by a head, yet he still feels small as he looks out towards the yard and the girl sitting in the middle of it. With one hand, she’s steadying it on top of a finger on her other hand, face twisted in concentration before she gives it a spin. For just a moment it looks as if it may actually balance there before it falls down to the side.

There’s a breath where she watches it roll away before she laughs.

“Mom?” Izuku says, keeping his eyes trained on the four year old.

“Yes, sweetie?” She hums, not bothering to turn back toward him.

“Thank you.”

Her answering chuckle is low as she moves around her coffee table and in the direction of her kitchen.

“I’ll pack you both up some cookies,” she says before disappearing to make good on her word.

Left alone in the living room, Izuku takes a steadying breath before pushing his way out into his mom’s backyard. Eri is standing now, having gotten up to chase after the ball that had rolled towards his mom’s herb garden in the corner. With her back to him, she seems to be looking at the plants with the ball hugged to her chest.

Moving in her direction, he’s a couple feet away when he hears her small voice.

“— Grandma Inko is a really good planter,” he hears her say almost conspiratorially. There’s a heartbeat of silence before she giggles and shakes her head.

“It’s not boring! They started as seeds and now they’re plants!” Eri exclaims, turning her face as if looking at something. Izuku watches as her smile grows before she shakes her head again.

“You’re silly, not everyone can make plants. Daddy Izuku says he once killed a plastic plant and those aren’t even real.”

Then, her mouth forms a look of surprise as she fully turns to face him.

“Hey Daddy Izuku!” She says happily, closing the small distance between them with a slight bounce. Clutching the ball to her tummy still, she looks up to him with her smile still wide. Warmth spreads through his chest as he drops down to her height and reaches out to pull a piece of grass from her hair.

“Hey Eri,” he smiles back as he flicks the offending piece of plant life away. “Who are you talking to?”

The question is out of his mouth before he can think to swallow it. It earns him a confused look before Eri turns to look to her side for a barely there moment before giving a small nod and turning her attention back to him.

Pulling a hand away from her ball, she waves it to her side as if showcasing something.

Izuku isn’t sure how it happens, but her smile seems to get brighter as she says, “This is Kacchan!”

***

Izuku’s room is too dark and too quiet as he stares up at the ceiling from where he lays in his bed. His sheets are pooled at his waist and his arms are folded across his chest as he imagines he can see paint shapes in the shadows across the white above him.

It was already usually pretty hard for him to get to sleep here. He’d grown used to the sound of the city, and hadn’t realized it had been its own sort of lullaby until he had moved. Tonight, however, the issue is less the lack of noise and light, and more the interesting new development that seemed to have landed in his lap.

Kacchan, he thinks as he breathes heavily out his nose. Eri’s new imaginary friend.

After she’d introduced him, it seemed that whatever wall she had constructed around the imaginary fellow had collapsed, and she had chattered with this Kacchan for the rest of the evening.

In the back of the car, at the dinner table— where she’d even asked for Kacchan to have his own place setting— and even at bedtime when she’d told the specter goodnight. It was, in a word, odd.

Yet she had looked so genuinely happy that Izuku had bit his tongue as he just nodded along, acting as if he could see this pretend friend of hers and even setting down a plate for him next to Eri. Even though it was a small amount, he still lamented the wasted curry. It was one of the few meals he actually knew how to cook well, and though he knows all the books say to encourage the imagination, it still stung a bit knowing he would end up throwing away the food at the end of the night.

At least, so he had thought. He isn’t sure how she had managed it, but at some point he must have looked away because when it was time to clean up, the plate had been cleared of its food.

It wasn’t the only weird thing that had happened in relation to this Kacchan, either. When Eri had first introduced the friend, Izuku could have bet a heavy sum that he had actually heard someone there. The soft sound, something like a haughty scoff, had caused a chill to run down his spine and momentarily consider the possibility that maybe Eri was actually being haunted. He’d quickly chalked it up to his own lack of sleep playing tricks on him, but that didn’t stop him from feeling as if he was being watched for the rest of the day.

Shaking the phantom feeling and bewildering thought, Izuku squeezes his eyes shut before opening them again to the darkness of his ceiling.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with having an imaginary friend, he knows. Hell, he had had one as a kid.

All Might had been his name. Izuku remembers him vividly. He was the reason he’d wanted so desperately to become a hero before he grew enough to know that imaginary friends were only that, and that it was severely frowned down upon to run around in spandex and a cape.

All Might had been his best friend though, helping him right after his father had walked out on him and his mom. He supposes after everything she’s been through, it only made sense that she would come up with an imaginary friend. In fact, with that in mind, he could probably say it’s a bit weird that it took so long for it to happen.

Eyes burning and vision blurring, Izuku’s eyelids start to fight against his insomnia.

He’ll have to keep an eye on it all the same, he thinks as his blinks start to grow longer. Izuku still remembers the pain he had felt when his own had disappeared.

It isn’t too much longer until sleep finally pulls him into its inky embrace.

************************************

#bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bkdk #bakudeku #bnha #this fic will eventually be rated e like 16 chapters from now lol until then it's a solid T for Teen #alternate universe #the if you could see me now au no one asked for #slow burn #above all else this is a coming of age story #hope you enjoy the ride

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bre95611 · 5 years

Text

Dean’s Biggest Fears

So while writing part 2 of my meta series about Anna, Cas, and Dean in season 4, I wrote a meta within my meta. I was rewatching “Yellow Fever” for the series and realized there’s just way too much content to try and put in one small section. So I cut a lot of it. And then the amazing @theirprofoundbond read through what I had and suggested that I just bite the bullet and make a mini-meta about just what all I dug into about “Yellow Fever”. So now, here we are!

There is another amazing meta the @drsilverfish wrote about the queer reading of this episode and I highly recommend you all check it out. You can find it here.

“Yellow Fever” is a treasure trove of subtext, showing everything that Dean is afraid of. Textually, it’s all fairly common fears, albeit some a bit more exaggerated than others. I believe it is important to look in to why the fears that manifested, did. The Sheriff, shown as a germaphobe before he develops symptoms of ghost sickness, is later shown using steel wool to try and clean his arms, showing us that the ghost sickness feeds on fears that are already there! Because of this, “Yellow Fever” gives us wonderful insight into the inner workings of the most emotionally constipated man ever. We can use this episode to find out what Dean is truly afraid of.

Chronologically the fears get worse, so we can see subtextually what Dean’s worst fear is, as the sickness progresses.

The episode opens on Dean running from the cutest little dog ever. We know, looking back on the episode as a whole, that this happen when Dean’s time is pretty close to up, maxing out the ridiculous factor of the manifestations of his fears. The further in the sickness he gets, the less mundane they seem. We also know that he was hallucinating then, perceiving that cute dog as a Hellhound, a point that is shown through the mirroring of the scene in season 3 when he is being chased through the woods and us hearing the snarling of a Hellhound. SO, the very first manifestation the audience sees of Dean’s fears is something that has to do with Hell. The biggest fear Dean currently has is Hell. What happened when he was there. What HE DID while he was there. It is shown time and time again throughout this episode.

Backing up to when Dean is first infected.

The first fear we see chronologically is the teenagers! Going off the inference that the sickness triggers your worst fears the closer to death you are, we can take this as a manifestation of Dean's least pressing overarching fear. So what do the teenagers mean?

Dean wants to walk on the opposite side of the street because of the teenagers. This man that has been to Hell and back, kills the things that go bump in the night, is scared of the youths. (Any New Girl fans?) This strikes me as a representation of his lost childhood. Dean never got a chance to be a teenage burnout, at least, not in the same way as a standard teenager. Yes, he dropped out, but not because he was partying. Because his DAD. Because of the lifestyle they had to lead in their line of work. So he is afraid of not having had a normal childhood, afraid of his dad’s influence on his life during his formative years.

Next is the snake!

I’m not going to go in to much detail on this one as its heavily mentioned in the above meta. (Seriously, go read it.) But just so we’re all on the same page, it’s the D. Dean is afraid of the D. Afraid to acknowledge his attraction to men. This establishes Dean's closeted sexuality as the most pressing fear thus far.

Dean driving like a grandma is hilarious. When Sam mentions he is going the speed limit. And then he passes the motel they are staying at because he isn’t going to make a left hand turn into oncoming traffic. “I’m not suicidal!” I think what we can take from this is Baby is his HOME. And Dean is afraid of doing something to damage that home. This ties into the teenagers bit as well, in regards to his childhood. That car has been more of a home to him than any other building throughout his life. And that love for Baby was definitely established during those formative years, the initials, toy soldier, legos in the heat vents, all things that happened when his DAD was driving (do we sense a theme yet, kids? It's all John's fault). Recently having lost that home, when he went to Hell, he feels that fear a little stronger, knowing how much it hurts to lose Baby, and not wanting to experience that again.

The scene where Dean states he didn’t go to their room because of it being on the fourth floor is lovely for giving us the gift of the “Eye of the Tiger” blooper, but other than that, it doesn’t serve much else of a purpose, besides reinforcing the fear of heights Dean has, something the audience is already aware of due to the fear of flying. However, I do think it’s humbling almost that this larger than life, macho dude is scared shitless of heights, such a common fear. I believe it also serves the purpose of believability for the GA, presenting another common, meaningless fear amidst the subtext.

Next we see where Dean’s hallucinations start.

This screams fragile masculinity. The fear is essentially that he isn’t allowed to feel fear, or any emotions for that matter. This is another fear that has a link back to his childhood, especially his dad’s role in that upbringing. John raised him as a soldier, masculine to a fault. No “softer” emotions are allowed, real men don’t cry. So the words in that book are taunting him and his conditioned inability to show his softer side and experience a full spectrum of emotions and reactions. John raised a man, not a baby. This manifestation also doubles as showing us the overlap in Dean's closeted sexuality and his militaristic upbringing. It makes a connection in the viewership's minds between the way Dean was raised and the reason he is literally in Narnia. I think it's moments like these that have created the "John Winchester's A+ Parenting" tag on AO3.

The creepy lumber yard is just that, creepy. I really can’t think of ANY other way this could be read, but by god did I try. The gun though! Another one that gives me a fragile masculinity feel. Considering this episode is fairly logical in it's order of the fears, that view is on track. This is a portrayal of his fear of being pigeon-holed into his father’s alpha male plan for his life. Guns have a very phallic feel to them as well, so something that as well, a continuation of that childhood/sexuality overlap. Afraid to act on his bisexuality and pursue men.

The CAT!

OMG one of my favorite scenes in the show cause god bless that prepubescent scream Jensen manages to pull off. But I think this is another one that hints subtextually at bisexual Dean. Cats are typically treated as a more feminine pet, so Dean is afraid to embrace his more feminine qualities, embracing his emotions, chick flicks, etc. More literally though, a euphemism for vagina is pussy. So maybe this is a manifestation of his fear of only ever being with women and not being able to experience things for the first time (Coughcoughseason10coughcough).

Next we have him freaking out about the badges. The fake FBI badges. Flustered Dean is just a cutie. Fear of getting caught being someone he’s not though? Fear of not being himself??? FEAR OF STAYING IN THE CLOSET.

Yellow Eyed Sam was creepy and made me very uncomfortable. But here is our first manifestation of his fear of Hell. AND his fear of losing Sam to Ruby. It ties in directly to his confusion over what to do in regards to Sam and everything that happened with Ruby during his time in Hell. Sam is telling Dean how he’s going to go back to Hell. Which we have established is WAY up there in Dean’s list of fears.

After that, we have Dean hallucinating Hellhounds coming for him followed by the Sheriff showing up and having black eyes. Guys. Dean hated Hell. He REALLY doesn’t want to go back, I can’t stress this enough.

Final thing we get is Lillith. Now drsilverfish’s meta has a really great queer reading of this scene. I absolutely love it. But another way that scene could be read is DEAN IS SCARED OF GOING TO HELL AGAIN. Like seriously guys, it’s at the forefront of his mind constantly. He is terrified of HIMSELF and what he did there. When Dean asks why him, Lillith says Dean knows why and that he should listen to his heart. Queer reading, Dean likes dudes. Non-queer reading though, he liked torturing souls in Hell, he was good at it. And that is something he doesn't know how to deal with. He’s afraid to be that guy again (which makes what Cas asks him to do in 4x16 even more fucked up, but that's for another time) and he’s confused as to how to move forward with that sort of knowledge about himself.

Summary of Yellow Fever, Cause I know I just threw a lot at you:

Dean’s fears are 3 pretty neat and tidy categories.

From least to most on a fear level:

1. Childhood/Daddy Issues

Dean fears what the loss of his formative years mean for him now as a grown man. He fears how the lost childhood, and what was basically the norm for him and his family due to his dad’s influence, has affected his development into an adult. This is the least pressing fear, as it is something Dean has been dealing with basically since he was a kid. I feel a lot of the initial introspection he might have had would have come into play back when the show canonically starts, with Dean having to face Sam, the biggest reason Dean didn’t really have a childhood.

2. Dean’s Closeted Bisexuality

There is a lot of bleed from Daddy Issues into this category, because of the influence John obviously had on Dean’s view of masculinity. The only reason this doesn’t rank number one in this episode is because its something Dean has been dealing with for a lot longer, and thus had time to adjust.

3. Hell

Dean is terrified of Hell. He’s afraid of what he did, who he is, who he became, and more than ANYTHING, he’s afraid to go back. This one gets top rank due to how fresh in Dean’s mind it is. At this point in the timeline of the show, Dean’s been topside for months at most, if not only weeks. We know he has been struggling to sleep and up until now hasn’t talked about it at all. The end of this episode is the first time we find out that Dean tortured souls in Hell, too. It puts repeat viewers in a cool situation where we see all these things Dean does in early season 4, desperately trying to save everyone he can, to make amends for what he did under Alastair’s tutelage. And it allows us to see early signs like the Lillith scene that depict Dean’s fear that all of this is happening to him because he was a bully in Hell, because he enjoyed hurting people. The layers of this show. Geez.

So hopefully here soon I will be able to get it together about get part 2 of the series finished soon. If you would like to read part 1 you can check it out right here, and I’ll update this one with links as I finish more of the series. Once again, thanks to @agusvedder for the gifs! I appreciate you!

Thanks everyone for reading! Let me know what you think!

#spn #supernatural #supernatural meta #spn meta #spn 4x06 #spn yellow fever #Dean Winchester #my meta

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yungfrieda · 5 years

Text

10.26.19

also known as - things i’ve learned about myself and the world around me as this year comes to a close.

first before i get into the #content i just want to say RIP to communities centered around long-form written content!! i really miss tumblr and the community around it, i suppose i could easily go to Reddit or something if i wanted to write long posts about my life but i really liked how everyone’s blog was their own platform to curate and didn’t have to be hyper glossy & filtered imgs of a curated idealistic life. (can you tell i’m not a big fan of instagram?)

ok moving on. this year threw me for a loop. in this one year of 2019 i’ve had 3 different jobs. spent a month just straight up unemployed with nothing to do. tried to break into concert production and kinda fell on my face for circumstances out of my control. this year taught me that if you don’t have a backup plan.... you gotta be quick enough on your feet to come up w one because things can get bad very quickly.

but i learned so many other things that don’t have to do with survival and disaster planning mode and i’d like to share at least 5 of them.

1. i learned how to really sit down and take an audit of my emotions. this is really all thanks to working with my therapist Emily who i am quite certain i would not still be here without. days are really, really tough sometimes and in moments where i have a lot going on, i tend to shove my emotions and needs into a dark corner of my brain so i can stay productive.

this is only sustainable for a verrrry short amount of time and the consequences are usually a breakdown. i’ve been telling people that my emotions are like toddlers. toddlers cannot and should not be abandoned for long periods of time and do deserve to have their needs met by the person who is supposed to care for them. and we all know caring for a toddler is a lot of fuckin work. but the results are that the toddler grows up healthy and ends up thanking their parents in the long run. i want to be able to thank myself for taking care of me, so i’ve gotta put in the work.

2. i’ve learned that a lot of my relationships are not reciprocal. this was a hard one. i find myself soooo frustrated with a lot of my most favorite people because the boundaries that i’ve set in our relationship are either extremely flimsy or non-existent. i’m happy i’m realizing this now because its a sign of growth. I’m beginning to question the structures in my life and the roles people play, wondering what sparks joy like an emotional Marie Kondo. it’s badass, but the hard part comes in when i’ve got to put some action behind these new observations and change things. i’m not super good at this just yet but working with my therapist has really helped me turn my relationship with my boyfriend around so i’m confident i’ll figure it out.

3. i’ve learned just how shitty lifestyle creep can be. in a way that isn’t really my fault! the one big purchase i’ve made since getting this new job is purchasing a nintendo switch for myself. other than that, i’ve been booked for a month straight for some intensive dental work, booked doctor’s appointments, and have been spending a lot more on transportation due to work. my money has been fucked up since i started making a higher salary, one that i consider “liveable”. i really hope that certain changes will make it easier to adjust and safe, make budgets for the shit i actually want to be spending on, and all around just being smarter with my money.

4. i’ve learned that my career just ain’t gonna get easier. this is another tough one to accept. i’m a person who really likes to be challenged, and unfortunately i’ve found that a bit of those “go-getter” and scrappy characteristics i’ve loved about myself have been damaged because of some uncomfortable work environments. i’m learning how to restore those entrepreneurial values that i had where i’d make a way if i couldn’t easily find one and would be so happy to roll up my sleeves and make shit happen without a second thought.

BUT what i’m trying to say is, the more i pursue roles that take me out of my comfort zone, challenge me to grow, and give me more responsibility, the harder it’s going to get to find shit like “work/life balance” and days where i can just coast under the radar. those days are long gone, unfortunately (and fortunately!) because there’s a way to mediate the bullshit while i’m making my way to the top. i just have to actively enforce boundaries for balance. i’m saying it like it’s so easy, but i know that’s the key to keeping my sanity while also keeping a challenging job. i’m sure there are days where i’ll have to work extra long hours or put my brain’s petal to the metal, but it can’t be the norm or else i’m going to ultimately set myself up for burnout.

no matter who is uncomfortable with it, i’ve got to make the space and time to take care of myself - no questions asked. because no one is gonna do it for me.

5. i’ve been reminded that love is not glossy and glamorous. not that i’ve ever been that type of person anyway. it’s been a long time since Ian and I have been in “sweep you off your feet” mode and that’s ok. i’m more of a “steady-state” type of partner anyway where i can really be supportive on a day-to-day level instead of blowing someone away with grand gestures that can only be done once in a blue moon. but what i want to say with this is that i think a lot of people hope to find their soulmate who will make their life complete, rid them of all of their problems, and then they can ride off into the sunset together.

that’s not how it happens. ian and i will never be that to each other and it’s ok. we make a good couple by way of being super understanding with each other and truly being invested in one-another’s happiness and needs which is something i’m grateful for. he’s really the most reliable person i’ve got in my life and i hope to be the same way for him. but we’ve gotten into some fights every now and again, or have both been cranky on the same day at the same time and been kind of venomous to each other. i learned in those times that it’s easier to unpack someone’s behavior and why his perceptions of priorities like communication are different than mine, instead of just throwing in the towel because we’re just too different.

in another instance, we just had a weekend where neither of us even touched each other after a few months of not even being face-to-face for awhile and just sat next to eachother all day and night and played video games in our pajamas. i’ll admit, i sometimes fall victim to wanting us to make every moment count and when we’re together just sitting and doing nothing can kind of drive me nuts, but i knew we both needed to rest and it was nice to just pretend to be roommates for a few days.

while i do like getting cute and spending days together with Ian when we hit the city and do some fun stuff, we just can’t do it all the time. he’s still a college student and i’m a walking dental construction site. we’ve got a lot going on that makes it hard to make every moment we see each other “stellar” but i love that and i love him and i wouldn’t want it any other way.

this post ended up a little longer than i wanted it to so i’ll leave you by saying i’m still sad. i hate the upcoming season so much and the lack of sunlight in the winter makes my brain very sad. but this year was a fruitful one. it’s been a lot of confusion, honestly. lots of things that i’m still a little fuzzy on but just like mentioned above, it’s all about having that plan b and not always about sticking around to pick up the pieces. when ya gotta move on, it’s time to move on.

i’m ready to move into 2020 hoping that all of the things i’ve learned in the past few years will start to pay off. i’ve got to remember and retain this info because it’s valuable and i KNOW i’m gonna need it again. it’s so much easier when you don’t have to re-learn shit because you kept the notes.

i want to finish off this year strong and go into the next feeling confident.

#personal

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domesticangel · 5 years

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ok ok a 68 plymouth gtx for ris is perfection but what do u think the rest of the squadra has? i really wanna say one of them has a studebaker somehow but i just dont know (ignore it was a us based company i love them anyways shhhh)

god. this is the best ask i couldve ever gotten. buckle up. ha ha. bc cars. and also bc I’m not gonna shut the fuck up

but YEAH NO SAME i also chose to foolishly disregard that italians wouldnt likely drive american cars (or necessarily drive at all…america is mad obsessed with cars compared to a lot of other countries so sdkfhsdkj) bc its all fun and games so ik a lot of this would be unrealistic but I’m american so i really only know about american cars/cars that are popular in america dskjfsdkjf so sorry for America-Centrism On Main but if any italians or ppl w knowledge of italian cars wanna chime in w their own takes, by all means!!!

oh and this post also foolishly assumes la sqaudra has money. lets pretend for just this post they all actually got paid for their jobs

SO WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY warning this is gonna make this post rly long but I’m gonna ad pics of the cars i think they’d all drive like. in case anyone reading wants to know what they look like but doesn’t wanna look em all up so I’m gonna throw this under a cut in case it gets crazy

ok i can 1000% see sorbet and gelato sharing a like studebaker speedster that they would take out cruising for special occasions….it would spend most of its time under a tarp locked in a garage bc if you touch that car without permission you WILL die by their loving intertwined hands. some couples have babies. some couples get dogs. sorbet and gelato got a studebaker speedster and treated it with almost as much love as they do each other. one might think their driving would match the “crazy” impression everyone has of them but honestly? they prefer to take it slow and cruise so they have more time to enjoy each others company. on the job they’ll wreck a rental all to hell, but not their baby. the rest of squadra would low key fear for their lives on the rare occasion that sorbet and gelato offered them rides in their car bc the inside is spotless and they all knew if they left anything out of place or dirtier than they found it their time was up

i think they’d dig a color scheme something like this; still looks mob and sophisticated without losing the whimsicality u feel me

i really like a classic chevelle ss or ‘67 mustang gt500 for formaggio

(ignore how fuckin shiney these are bc make no mistake his would be scratched and worn all to hell)

in line w my headcanon that he’d be knowledgable about cars, i think he’d like supe them up and mod them for street racing or 1960s style drag racing. since we don’t get a lot of individual sqaudra backstory i sometimes think about him maybe losing his parents at a young age or having a bad home life as is typical of passione members and getting taken in by a local mechanic, and only as he got older realizing the shop had mafia ties which eventually paved the way for his induction etc but the knowledge and interest in cars always stuck with him. i think he’d probably drive the most recklessly out of all of squadra (rivaled only by ghiaccio ofc) bc he just loves to go fast as fuck and show off. he’s definitely a revs-the-engine-when-he-drives-by-someone-cute ass bitch

illuso would drive a ‘71 dodge demon, and honestly only because he liked the name and how it looked

it would honestly drive formaggio insane that illuso would ONLY use this car to get around as opposed to flying down the countryside or doing burnouts in a field. illuso doesn’t know much about cars and he doesn’t care to learn either; if it looks good and the engine turns he’s happy. formaggio would BEG him to race him or let him take it for a spin, but illuso would be adamant in turning him down every time. he has no desire to take risks and tear up a perfectly good car, but if he feels especially generous he’ll let formaggio ride with him while formaggio excitedly rattles off specs illuso doesn’t understand in the slightest. he won’t readily admit to it but seeing formaggio that excited is really endearing and illuso would even end up learning something here and there from their time spent together

ghiaccio is anal enough about All Things Italian that he breaks my disclaimer and actually does drive an italian car. y'all already know what the fuck is going on

hell yeah ghiaccio drives a lambo. ‘71 lamborghini miura to be exact. and boy does he make this motherfucker screech and drift. as much as he seems to abuse the car he’s extremely uptight about upkeep and will take it in as often as needed for repairs. you can also bet your ass he’d berate any of his fellow squadra members that didn’t drive italian-made cars, asking them why they’d choose to drive that trash on wheels when their country is home to the best cars in the entire fucking world and they have their pick. being in the passenger seat with him at the wheel is terrifying, don’t get me wrong, but he’s actually a very skilled driver, like to the point that he probably couldve been a stunt car driver if he wanted. but whatever you do don’t show any adverse reactions to his hard turns or brakes bc he will take it as a personal insult to his skill as a driver and you will find that the louder his voice gets the heavier his foot gets on the gas so Good Fucking Luck. (also yes ik we already see ghiaccio driving a car in canon but its headcanon time and during headcanon time ghiaccio rocks the fucking lambo)

prosciutto would drive a big beautiful blue ‘65 thunderbird convertible

he would also be very particular about the upkeep of his car, but without any sort of personal touch; he hasn’t the time nor desire to keep up with the car himself so he just makes sure he takes it to a reputable shop to do it for him. it’s not his “baby” or an heirloom; its just a car. it runs and looks good as all fuck while doing it so thats all he really cares about tbh. that said, if anyone ever scratched or keyed or dented it they wouldn’t live long to regret bc as a wise man once said, you don’t fuck with a mans automobile. i mentioned this in the my squadra meme as well, but even though he smokes like a chimney, he NEVER smokes in his car. no smoking, eating, or drinking in the thunderbird. sealed packs of cigs in the console only and if the seals been broken it has to stay in your pocket. the upholstery is pristine and he prefers to keep it that way. he’s a very mild mannered driver and even often errs on the side of slow; he doesn’t really see the point in wasting gas by speeding or messing up the tires or alignment by showboating. he knows that he AND the car already look good enough to command bystanders’ attention so he doesn’t waste his time with any extra flashiness

ima keep it real with you chief: melone would drive a car you could fuck in the back of and thats about all there is to it, so look no further than the spacious ‘61 chrysler newport

he would somehow figure out a way to get an aux cord and a sound system in this old motherfucker and would listen to his music so loud it about rattled the doors off, much to any passengers’ chagrin. he’s almost worse to ride with than formaggio or ghiaccio because he texts and messes with the music the entire time he’s driving. like its almost impressive how often he manages to NOT have his hands on the wheel. he’s a master knee-driver. all that in mind the rest of squadra groans in unison when melone offers to drive and risotto, who doesn’t have time for a squabble, gives the ok and send them on their way bc they know they’re gonna have to deal with melone insisting that driver picks the music and white knuckling the handles the whole time. but regardless, if the chrysler’s rockin and the britney’s boppin, don’t come a-knockin

since i see pesci as the youngest i think he’d be the last to get a car, but the rest of squadra would surprise him by all pitching in and getting him a ‘69 buick sport wagon

it’d definitely be a fixer-upper (prosciutto insisted it’d be good for pesci to retroactively “earn” the car by learning how to take care of it, prompting the rest of squadra to point out prosciutto never even learned how to fix a car himself) but pesci would be out of his mind appreciative of it either way. after years of only ever riding in the back seat of someone else’s car he’d be so excited about finally having a car to call his own. formaggio would take him under his wing and show him everything he needed to do to make sure she stayed running in tip-top shape and they’d grow pretty close over it; formaggio would lose his damn mind the first time he’d convince pesci to do a burnout on his own. pesci would try his best to keep the car clean but he’d probably have a bad habit of leaving empty drink bottles in the floorboard or extra jackets in the back seat, but all in all he’d do a pretty good job taking care of the car and making the generous gift from his team worth it. most non-work related outings would have pesci chauffeuring, but he wouldn’t mind, bc seeing all his friends crammed into his car and having a good time would make him really happy

and last but not least risotto and his ‘68 plymouth gtx 🖤

perhaps surprisingly he wouldnt be excessively meticulous about upkeep; he definitely wouldnt do anything needlessly reckless to harm the car or neglectful of standard upkeep, but he would definitely see it as more of a personal part of him than a machine that needed to maintain perfection. he wouldn’t really sweat scratches or dents here and there; they’re bound to happen to a car that old and if he found the time he’d take it to get it buffed. like i said in the hc meme i think it would’ve belonged to his father (or any family member he was close to really) and it was passed onto him when he died so it’s kind of a sentimental thing for risotto. though not quite the same level as formaggio, he’s fairly good at making standard repairs on his own, and doesn’t mind spending a weekend or two up under the car fixing it up and making sure it runs smooth. the rest of squadra would each be surprised the first time they ever rode anywhere with him; the second the car started old classic rock or metal would blast through the speakers, with risotto mumbling a quick sorry and turning it down, but not all the way off. they would find out that their stoic leader prefers to drive with the windows down, one hand on the wheel, other out the window tapping to the beat of the music on the hood

aaaaaaaaand YEAH. i told you i wasn’t gonna shut the fuck up DSFHKJADHKSDJ LMAO SORRY I WENT TF OFF BUT YEAH THOSE ARE MY. SQUADRA CLASSIC CAR HCs

#txt #la squadra di esecuzione #yeah i gonna tag this!! just for funsies!!#idk just in case anyone else is. as interested in specifically squadra and classic cars as i am LMAO

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badfanfics · 5 years

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fallback - chapter four

series masterlist

chapter four: our forever this december (december 2017)

the story was previously called untitled

in honor of me getting the results i needed for my dream uni, i rlly wanted to post this today (but it may also be rushed, so i apologise -- i’ve been struggling on this chapter for a few days now and just kinda gave up on writing it and writing it and writing it over and over again +++ the next few chapters are some of my favorite things i wrote)

Four months.

It’s been four months since Tom has kissed her. It’s been four months of radio silence – no small talk or polite congratulations like before, even when Bea posted news of her rescued, therapy dog named Winnie (short for Winston) however Logan received congratulations when she posted news for her newly adopted retriever (named Gracie). Winnie, not only recommended by her therapist, was technically a maid of honor gift from Logan, who paid the adoption fees and the initial supply of food.

With that in mind, it’s been four months of Bea spending the days with Noah and the nights dreaming of Tom.

Since August, Bea and Noah were inseparable due to being press partners for the last leg of the promotional tour in South-East Asia. South-East Asia was beautiful – even Winnie loved the adventure – but Bea needed to keep busy, she needed space from Noah. It was her coping mechanism.

It’s like this anecdote she told her therapist; working kept her driving, but once she stops – she has to go back and make sure nothing in the back seat or trunk broke. With that in mind, if she is driving full speed (which she is now doing), then the sudden of stop will only bolt the suitcases at the driver seat.

In this case, driving prevented her from observing and noticing her personal doubts outside the window; which happen to be the doubts about her and Noah’s relationship, which only hammers into her head every time she has a free moment to think about Tom.

Unfortunately, she dreamt of Tom every night. These dreams only became toxic for her everyday life. In particular, when Noah received news that he’ll be playing Peter Kavinsky in Netflix’s new film called ‘To All The Boys I Loved Before’, Bea tried to do something special for him.

To all the boys I loved before, she scribbled onto a gift card, you’ll never be as fantastic as the man I have today. Writing that felt like a lie. She felt spiders crawl underneath her skin, crawling up to her head until she ripped the gift card apart. She knew a similar letter that would only be speaking truth; to the man I loved before, I can’t stop loving you.

The dreams could be reminiscent of nightmares; flashing close-ups of Tom and all the things she love about him, a hazy – dream like quality that seemed to be old tape on film, a new magical location, him repeatedly exclaiming ‘I love you’ – the three words she always wanted to hear him say but had to leave when he actually had the guts to say it.

She was sprinting down an imaginary mall – Tom beside her as they challenged each other to be the first one outside to the amusement park right outside. “You fucking rascal!” Tom called, laughing as he tripped her. Due to being a dream, Bea landed straight in his arms – laughing her head off. “Yeah, that’s what you get for getting a head start, you cheat.” Tom pressed his lips against hers.

Cheating. Could this be considered infidelity? Sure, this is happening in her imaginative world – but this is emotional cheating, isn’t it? Bea was conflicted. She loved Noah – definitely not in the way she loved Tom – but she loved him and didn’t want to hurt him in any way. But she know she already has.

December has been marked by Bea’s agents as her hiatus month. They, specifically her main agent named Mary, had completely banned her from doing any projects or wedding planning to prevent her eventual, future burnout. This has been her busiest years yet; she has literally not spent more than a week at home or not working in the last two weeks.

Due to this forced hiatus, Bea found different ways to cope. In particular, she finally went back to her therapist in regard to her anxiety and minor depression. She started going to therapy after her parents passed away in an unfortunate circumstance, causing her to have PTSD. Eventually, the PTSD did get better over time and she has no trace of it anymore, but she has been a celebrity and a household name since she was a child. All her mistakes and all her experiences were under a magnifying glass by the media, under endless speculation and criticism. As years passed, she learnt coping methods like breathing techniques and took medication – the anxiety and depression had decreased in severity and now she goes to therapy to keep everything under check, prevent burnout, and to talk about anything bothering her (especially since she feels like she can’t talk to anyone else). But she hasn’t had time to go until the hiatus.

But this time Dr Ishani can sense something different; Bea is holding something back. But Dr Ishani cannot push. But when they did push on December 8, the therapist only recommended that Bea ‘spend time alone’ to ‘work through her thoughts’ due to the fact she was still holding back.

Her body was practically begging to work, aching to be hunched over a script – highlighting her lights and noting down character development. She was itching to be learning a new skill for a movie or to be training for some insane stunt. So, when she stopped going to therapy, she started going to the gym – finally switching her gym facility because the constant memories of Tom and her training together. Eventually, the mere action of punching a boxing bag caused her to give up and go swimming instead.

Swimming was her simpler way of coping – something her parents (and later her uncle) used to take her to do during stressful times or celebratory times in order to calm her down.

“Hey hot stuff,” Her boyfriend catcalled, “mind if we join you?” Bea popped her head out of the water once she reached the edge of the pool, terminating her series of laps. Brushing her hair out of her face, she sees Noah in a pair of trunks and Winnie in her life vest.

“Not at all.” She grinned, pushing herself off the wall as an invitation for them to jump in where she previously was. “How you doing?”

Instead of responding, Noah let out a sigh as he submerged himself into the cold water pool. “It’s so nice to see you relaxed.”

Bea chuckled, submerging herself further in the pool to force her to swim towards Noah rather than swim. “Just praising the fact that Los Angeles doesn’t get cold.” Just as Noah was crouching down to peck her lips, a plop from Winnie jumping into the pool stole Bea’s attention.

The actress jumped to her feet, walking over to her pup who now smells like wet dog.

“Is she coming with us to Miami?” Bea was almost offended by the question, playfully splashing water at Noah.

She held the soaked dog next to her face, Winnie peppering kisses on her face as she spoke. “The reason I got a smaller dog, was not only because she’s cute, but because she can travel with me. I did so much research into the Havanese, and they’re so good for travelling – so of course.”

Noah kneeled down in an attempt to submerge himself further into the water. “So, we’re gonna see Logan and William tomorrow before flying out to Miami for Christmas, New York for the few days after, and then back here for the New Years Eve party?”

“First of all, ew Florida.” Bea teased, earning herself a splash of water in his face. “Second of all, all correct. Thirdly, and finally, ew we’re going to be on and off planes so much in such a short period of time.”

The brown-haired boy became bewildered, “Bruh,” He breathed out, “you’re literally flying all the time anyway.” She could attribute this disgust for flying, which replaced her usual love for travelling, due to meeting Noah’s family for the first time.

Bea rolled her eyes, before wrapping her arms around his neck. She took him by surprise, jumping on his knees – making them both fall into the water, laughing.

This whole month felt like it was lasting forever; Bea, although right now hating the thought of flying, cannot wait to actually do something that itches her need to do something new or do something that is reminiscent of her work. She did her best at forgetting about her doubts; gymming, swimming, talking to Logan every day, making sure Noah is constantly with her – but Tom always comes back to her.

The next day, Ray – Bea’s personal security guard and close friend - went to Bea’s two bedroom home and picked up the suitcases while they were out with Logan and William.

“Okay, so the New Years bash – I made you a dress.” Logan enthused, “so you better come to my place before you go to their’s.”

The New Years bash is one of the most celebrated events in Los Angeles, surrounded by paparazzi and has a guest list for ages. This will be Logan’s first time attending and she’s, what she calls, ‘crazy excited’ for the event while Bea – Bea is excited for the moment her head hits the pillow when she gets back.

“Babe,” She smiled, “you didn’t have to.” Bea, sure – didn’t want to go, but she’s going for Logan. She hasn’t seen Logan this excited since William has proposed. Since then, she’s been busy wedding planning or spending hours making up for her future honeymoon time for her boss. It’s the reason she hasn’t been joining her for the ‘Titans’ press tour or even the filming.

Noah looked over to William, “Are you coming too?”

William gave a soft smile, knowing that Noah and him only met a few months ago. “Nah, if any photos come out of me in a party like that, I may lose credibility as a lawyer.” He noted, “Plus, I’m much more of a homebody. Logan is magnetized to homebodies and tries her best to drag them out.”

Logan rolled her eyes at the comment. “It’s not my fault you two hate parties.”

William and Bea gave each other a ‘this is bullshit’ look, before bursting out laughing because of an inside joke between the two. The joke concerns Logan’s craziness when drunk which only further repels them from attending.

“Oh shut up, you two.” Logan quickly switched the conversation, “So, Miami – you excited?”

Noah smirked, “I’m so excited for her to meet my family.” Bea’s face, although nodding, was showing her obvious tell towards Logan and Logan made a mental note to ask her about it when she got back. “Taylor was her biggest fan at one point.”

Bea gave out a half-hearted chuckle. She didn’t want to meet his family. She didn’t want to push anything. Yes, they’ve been dating for a year; an anniversary they celebrated just last week with a replica of their first date, but everything was moving too fast for her.

Maybe I moved on too fast, she told herself – even if she knew she ‘moved on’ too fast. But then again, she questioned if she can even use the phrase move on.

“So, wedding – “ Bea changed topics after half-heartedly agreeing with Noah, which Logan can see her nibbling on her bottom lip. Bea can lie effortlessly – after all, she’s an actress. But when she’s not acting or not assigned to play with a false story or technically not true story, she’s nibbling on her bottom lip. Bea’s uncle actually pointed it out to Logan after Bea stopped going to therapy and he didn’t believe she was alright “Your mom and dad had emailed me about your registry. Are you sure that’s everything on it? I don’t want to post it until everything is on it.”

Logan rolled her eyes. The two used to never switch topics out of what felt like nowhere. They used to hound each other until they opened up everything. This wasn’t the same Bea she knew a year ago.

After the conversation became more awkward and silent – two characteristics that never were applied to the trio’s or the duo’s old conversations, Bea called for the bill. “We should probably head out and g et to the airport and make sure everything’s good with Winnie.”

“Alright babe, have a safe flight and merry Christmas” Logan let her off. She made a mental note to talk to her about this when she gets back.

Bea suddenly remembered something she put in her bag. “Oh shit, thanks for reminding me.” Bea pulled out a gift for both William and Logan – a tradition that came out from living with Logan for what felt like forever. It was a his and hers gift. “Do not open it until Christmas or I’ll kill you both.” The two chuckled, before swearing on their lives.

Due to her uncle having moved to New York, Bea usually flies to New York for Christmas or the day after. That said, if she doesn’t fly to New York – she spends her Christmas with Logan, who usually opts out of Christmas with her boyfriend’s family due to their snobby outlook on her and can’t go celebrate with her family as they moved all the way to the Philippines a few years back. So Logan and Bea don’t visit them often and when they do – it’s over the summer for a sort of vacation. The duospend the morning having a small breakfast, they have a medium sized lunch with William, and then they let William off for Christmas dinner. Despite his family’s snobbish attitudes, since William and Logan are getting married, Logan has been obligated to go now. Despite Logan’s obvious hatred for them, William’s family makes her miss her parents and wonder what would’ve happened if they raised her.

---

The flight to Miami felt never ending.

The hostesses practically fawned over the two. This was the first time Bea rode a budget airlines in ages and it was just not professional. Like, yes, they’re fans – Bea loves talking to them. But they came over to her every ten seconds, offering some sort of drink, even if she had her sleeping mask on. At one point, Winnie even barked at them.

“I just hate being fawned over.” Bea mumbled as Noah laughed, pulling the shared luggage behind them as Bea sleepily hugged his other arm – Winnie walking on a leash in front of them, the leash tied around Bea’s wrist. “Like I’m just like them! I’m just a person who needs sleep. Oh God, sleep. Can we meet your family tomorrow in the morning rather than tonight? I’m so tired.” Bea whined, both wanting to push back meeting them whilst making up for sleep.

“Uh, try not getting awake from the flashes up ahead.” Noah pointed out to the big group of paparazzi who had formed outside.

Bea groaned, “How do they find out I’m travelling?” Noah chuckled, pulling out of Bea’s embrace and letting go of the suitcase to open his hand carry backpack and passing them both hats he packed for this occasional. “I love you.” Bea said appreciatively, slipping on the basketball cap and tilting it to hide her sleep deprived face. She didn’t want Tom to know she’s meeting his parents.

Leaning down, she picked up her dog – who gets quite anxious by the series of lights. She blocked out her view, holding her close in a hug and making sure Noah is right behind her, thus blocking Winnie’s eyes from direct flashes. “Protect our child!” Noah exclaimed, making the both of them chuckle – Bea more tired than him. “I would carry you like I normally do but…” He motioned to the suitcase, making her roll her eyes. As much as she pretended to hate being thrown over his shoulder, it was one of the ways he made her fall for him.

Noah managed to book an AirBnB a street away from his parents house. As soon as they got there – after Bea fed and walked Winnie - Bea passed out onto the bed from exhaustion whilst Noah quickly dropped by his parent’s house to explain why Bea isn’t currently there.

A figure and herself walked down a familiar-looking hotel hallway to a door number that has now been obscured. Being here felt like a memory, rather than a dream.

“Mum and Dad, this is Bea.” Tom’s voice. “Bea, this is my Mum and Dad.”

It started out like the memory, but quickly took a left turn.

“You’ll never be good enough for our son.” The twisted version of the sweetest woman alive said, her voice seeming to go through distortions. “He will walk out on you. He’ll never love you.”

When the twisted version of his hilarious father started opening his mouth, he pushed her instead. She fell back into another room, this time with Noah and his family – who were staring at her expectantly.

“Do you love me?” Noah’s voice was haunting, repeating itself over and over again.

“Do you love our son?” His parents demonically screamed, over and over again. Suddenly, she was surrounded by all of them – Tom, Nikki, Dom, Paddy, Harry, Sam, Taylor, and Noah’s parents until Bea fell down a hole, falling and falling and falling and

“Fuck me.” Bea panted, waking up from the nightmare in sweat. She looked down at herself and forgot she hasn’t changed since yesterday afternoon. She saw Noah beside her, almost cuddling into her. She saw the outside window and saw the sun retreating from darkness and back into the sky. Panting, Bea started trying to regulate her breath; and it happened as soon as she saw Winnie’s head pop up, turning slightly, as if detecting something was wrong.

Bea pat her lap, wanting to cuddle her puppy before she took a quick shower and made an attempt to look presentable. The puppy peppered her with kisses, despite her face marked with sweat. “I love you too.” She mumbled into the pup’s ear, only granting her more and more dog kisses. Lifting the Havanese dog up temporarily, she let Winston rest on her pillow before escaping to take a cold, cold shower.

----

The actress was nibbling on a snack she bought at the airport, meaning to eat it as a snack after meeting his family but the pack of m&ms quickly became her breakfast instead.

“Good morning candy-girl.” A voice pulled Bea out of her thoughts and her anxious nibbling. “How was your sleep?”

Bea smiled, “Okay. How was yours? Happy to see your family?”

“They’re ecstatic to meet you.” He grinned with his signature smile. “I told them to expect us for dinner because you’ve never properly been around Miami.” Bea praised the lord that the meeting was pushed up once more.

So that’s what they did – Bea, Winnie, and Noah explored Miami, from all the crooks and crannies that Noah found as a child or his favorite places to visit. Bea loved this more than any tourist tour – she loved knowing what a local felt like or trying her best to understand the footprint as it is, without the shoe’s print that the media creates for them.

Eventually, the sun went down, telling the group to make their way to their family’s house for the Christmas eve dinner.

The whole dinner, Taylor spent the whole time fawning over a celebrity she and her friends idolized for years whilst her parents were trying their best to catch up with their son and get to know his girlfriend. However, Bea was obviously feeling awkward and like she didn’t belong.

Eventually, the dinner was over.

“So, sorry if this is insensitive, but do you personally celebrate Christmas?” His mother asked Bea as she approached the older woman at the kitchen with the dirty dishes.

Bea had a hard time explaining this constantly. “In a way I suppose. I mean, I’m not religiously catholic or Christian. In fact, I’m actually an agnostic.” She started, going to the drying station of the kitchen, “but my uncle raised me whilst learning different beliefs. I’m pretty sure one year we followed Buddhist beliefs, and another year we followed Jewish beliefs due to our ancestors, but my Aunt Susan and my father celebrated Christmas – so my uncle and my mother would always make sure Christmas was the one tradition we never forgot about. Easter, meh. But Christmas, Christmas was the real holiday.” She smiled, “It’s not a religious celebration for me, but a celebration to appreciate family and friends and those who love you.”

Noah smiled at the answer, watching her from his place sat on the counter – thankful she decided to celebrate it with them. “She always gives her best friend a gift – and last year, when we were working together during December for Titans, she gave every crew member and cast member a gift – either a letter or a small gift or a big gift. It was always meaningful and relevant to her relationship with them though.”

So I’m a family magnet, that’s good news. She thought to herself.

She was in Miami for five days, the last day being Christmas yet every day felt longer than the day before. December really felt like forever.

Finally, she was in her New York studio she bought purely so she won’t ever bother her uncle whenever she visits in NY. It was no way near the Hamptons, but it was in Manhattan and she easily can get to the Hamptons. This was also because she knows her old bedroom doubles as the kid’s playroom and she doesn’t want to interfere with their playing.

Unfortunately, they’d only be in New York for just slightly over two days. Noah wanted to get back to Los Angeles as soon as possible and prioritized his own family. Which was fair, in Bea’s eyes. She just wishes she spent more time with her uncle, her sibling-like cousins, and her aunt.

The first night – the family had dinner. Noah was obviously comfortable with everyone, playing with the kids whilst Susan, Robert, and Bea caught up. But Robert asked Noah if he could steal his niece away the next day for a day out, something they used to do once every month. Luckily, Noah had planned to meet his co-star Lana the same day.

They did what they usually did; a breakfast of cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery. Then they went to an arcade, walked around the streets and did whatever came to mind, got a hotdog and soft serve at central park for lunch, and then visit an old theater. After the old theater, they go home and binge action movies until theyf all asleep.

Everything was the usual (not including the presence of the barking dog who ran in front of her with a bounce in her step, excited to experience a new city); the two spoke about what’s going on, feelings, any movies they’re excited to be working on or watch, any theory or online scandal – literally anything that came to mind. They usually strayed away from complicated topics, wanting an easy-going day.

Unfortunately, Robert had other plans. Once the two sat down at their usual bench in central park, Robert looked towards Bea and sighed. “What?” She chuckled, thinking her uncle was just being his usual dramatic self.

“You don’t really love him, do you?” Robert asked nonchalantly, the two of them eating sorbet hotdogs in Central Park. “You don’t seem to have the same spark you had when you were with Tom.”

Bea’s head fell into his shoulder as a response, “I don’t like talking about this.” She mumbled.

“Well, okay, but all I’m saying is you have to think about it.” He noted, “I want you to be happy, and I’m not sure if you’re happy with him.”

So, those are the moments that Bea uses to summarize her December hiatus that seemed to go one forever; giong to therapy, stopping, working out, spending time at the pool with her dog, going on dates with Noah, going on double dates, spending time with Logan and William, attempting to wedding plan, meeting Noah’s family and having an awkward talk about religion, spending time with her own family, getting confronted and avoiding it with her uncle, her uncle-niece day, and then going back home.

But as soon as she got home, she was bombarded by Logan with three dresses she created for the New Years Eve bash.

Bea was running on minimal sleep – her nightmares about Tom only recurred so she’s barely slept, she was exhausted of being around Noah – their December felt like a lifetime with him and she was now more sure than ever that Noah wasn’t the one for her, and all she wanted to do was work. Bea wanted to get home and let her head fall onto the pillow, potentially burying herself in a series of blankets and pillows for months.

Little did she know, the night was going to change everything – in particular, it was the night that changed the definition of Bea’s normal routine and feelings. It was the night she swore she fell in love with Noah again.

Yet, the night that changed everything is now a bunch of blurred memories; something Bea pushes herself to forget, similar to Noah and Bea’s forever that December.

i’m so sorry this chapter is so long and gets rushed towards the end --- this particular element of the story is important for the build up of the story but not the full story if that makes sense so i wanted one chapter on it but not much more but i also had a hard time knowing what to cut out / what to add details on.... ++ i finished the later chapters and i got too excited to post them so i wanted to get this chapter out of the way xD

i hope you like it!!! please feel free to send feedback or requests!

taglist :

@charismas-world / @athermosofsad (it didn’t let me tag you so i linked you and hoped it work?)

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