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wilteddreamsofbaldursgate · 4 months

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Girl dad Astarion who is mourning the times when his biggest problem was coming up with more or less child-friendly excuses to not read yet another bedtime story. Or to fix the dress of a shabby old doll that gave him the creeps. Or to kiss some scratches better, even though the minuscule wounds usually troubled him more than they did the damn child.

Nobody ever told him that children grow up this fucking fast, okay?

But now he has to watch his darling little girl grow into a beautiful young woman, and he is—quite frankly—terrified for her.

Because wherever he looks, he can see that strangers are watching her, too.

It doesn’t even bother him that they notice his daughter’s beauty, no, you would have to be blind not to see it. She’s stunning—obviously. She's his child after all…and Tav’s, of course, but that’s not the point.

It’s the way they're looking at the girl that disgusts Astarion to his very core. Leering eyes following her every move. Ulterior motives buried under layers of false niceties. Seemingly innocent little touches stolen as if those filthy hands were entitled to her body in any way.

And for all their obnoxious gawking, they don’t even see her. They seldom care for his daughter’s talents, her sense of humour, or her intelligence. Her heart.

Those heads are only turning for a pretty face, and for all the small privileges that might afford her, they always come with a price—a price Astarion has paid once upon a time; a price he doesn’t ever want his daughter to even consider accepting.

But the world is not kind. It’s already leaving scratches on his child that neither he nor Tav can kiss better any longer.

And Astarion hates it because the last time he felt this helpless was when his own pretty face was all that kept him, well, as alive as he could be. A thing to be used for other people's gain. Selling himself out for crumbs.

And then, one day, he notices a new bracelet on his daughter’s wrist.

She happily hands it over to him so he can take a look. Then she tells him some stranger gifted it to her. Just like that!

All they wanted for it was a little smile—isn’t that so great, father?

It’s not. Far from it. Astarion is fuming inside.

How dare some random nitwit think that ugly trinket worthy of his daughter’s wonderful smile? The audacity. The nerve. Unbelievable!

“Darling, it’s not a gift if they’re expecting something in return,” a forced smile tugs at his lips, trying to soften his scolding tone.

It doesn’t work.

“But it’s so pretty, I had to have it!”

The girl sulks, her little nose scrunched up as if he just sent her to bed without her fairy tales. Astarion supposes, in a way, he has.

“And what do we do when we see something we want, dear?”

She rolls her eyes at him in a way that always has Tav cackling up. Maybe it's because, in moments like this, she looks a little too much like her father.

“We just pocket it.”

“Exactly, my darling child, we just pocket it,” Astarion nods approvingly. “And if they ask for a smile next time?”

“We stab them,” she sighs.

“Absolutely, we do. Now, off with you, lest your daggers get all rusty, you lazy duck.”

Ending the discussion with a gentle smile, Astarion watches the girl go before he produces the offending bracelet from his sleeve.

It’s always out of sight, out of mind with pretty things, isn't it?

He takes another look at the bracelet, scrunching up his nose as if it gave off a particularly vile smell. In a way, it does.

In fact, it’s giving Astarion the creeps. And it's not even made from real gold, by the way.

Astarion scoffs at the cheap trinket. This child still has so much to learn.

#astarion #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #dadstarion #astarion x tav #astarion headcanons #baldur's gate astarion #astarion ancunin #to the best worst dad #astarion father of the year every year #being perceived is pain #girlhood in a nutshell

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secretly-a-catamount · 6 days

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tim drake would rather die than kill innocent people and tim drake killed hundreds of supervillain henchpeople with long-range detonation explosives that one time are two separate headcanons that, contrary to what the fandom discourse would have you believe, can actually coexist at the same time.

there’s even a psychologist term for it.

it’s called compartmentalization!

#let’s be honest #the entire batfamliy “stuffers” from this #and while that’s not something generally talked about #I just find the concept so interesting #how they all justify their actions — both socially moral and socially in-moral — to themselves #particularly how they all justify their actions to themselves in different ways #and for more evidence about their compartmentalization: there’s obviously the fact that they all have superhero and civilian identities too #also #this might need to be a separate post #but #the fandom’s perception of each member of the batfamily as individuals #often read more like they have bought into the characters’s “masks” they wear due to trauma #the “masks” being how the batfam are completely willing to be only perceived as one-thing #because that’s easier than being a real human #with blood and pain and fears and failures #they’d much rather be #the nice one #or the funny one #or the smart one #(etc. etc.)#dc #dc comics #dc characters #batman comics #batfam #the batfamily #tim drake #robin #robin dc #red robin

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starflungwaddledee · 4 months

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@moonverc3x you know what they say, intent is nine tenths of the law! (they don't say this)

#these tags made me laugh so i had to draw this Immediately.#begging and pleading and hoping i've characterised j correctly here. she just seems like she would.#anyway yes it really would probably be that simple #so long as she perceives that you're Being Nice to her you could get away with anything really.#that said i don't think this would feel particularly good for her which is why she was crying first. she's sturdy but not pain-exempt #but!! if it's a game!! then it must be good!! so she'll suck it up to participate!!! like eating which also feels Not Great but she does it #my art #others ocs #starstruck dee

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khattikeri · 28 days

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maybe a controversial opinion but while i really love jiang cheng as a character he is deeply self-centered as a person. and seeing people fight tooth and nail claiming he isn't, or is just misunderstood, or that he has genuine valid reasons to be selfish when plenty of other characters make the difficult choice to forego status and opportunities for what they believe is genuinely right to do (read: wei wuxian, wen ning, wen qing, lan wangji, jiang yanli, mianmian, etc.)

it's just odd to me. especially if they're talking about the novels.

mxtx didn't give jiang cheng the name "sandu shengshou" as a quirky coincidence. there's a REASON she named him & his sword after the 3 poisons of Buddhism (specifically ignorance, greed, and hatred). it's crucial to the story that jiang cheng is NOT selfless and that wei wuxian IS.

it's important to accept that wei wuxian is, by their society's standards, not morally gray; he represents several Buddhist ideals in direct contrast of jiang cheng and multiple people attest to wei wuxian's strong moral character, which is a lot of why jiang cheng even feels bitter about him to begin with.

it's crucial, because by the end of the novel jiang cheng realizes the extent of this and begins to let go!

the twin prides thing wasn't jiang cheng wanting them to 100% mirror the twin jades. he does care about wei wuxian, but he wanted wei wuxian to stay his right hand man, in part the way wei changze was for jiang fengmian.

and if there's one thing you can notice about wei changze in the novels, it's that literally nobody talks about him. he is only ever mentioned when his cool mysterious mountain sect wife cangse-sanren is mentioned, or (even more rarely) when they discuss him as a servant to jiang fengmian. regardless of jiang fengmian's own feelings, wei changze was considered lesser to him and didn't seem to outdo him, since nobody's out there years later still waxing poetry about wei changze's skills.

it may not be the only thing jiang cheng wants out of a twin pride dynamic, but it is a big part of it. regardless of his parents' intentions in taking wei wuxian in and treating him certain ways, this twin pride right-hand man thing is what jiang cheng has felt owed since childhood. he gave up his dogs for wei wuxian, people gossip about his sect heir position with wei wuxian there... jiang cheng wants the reciprocation of what he views as personal sacrifices.

he is ignorant to the depth of what wei wuxian must've suffered for over 6 years as a malnourished orphan child on the streets. he hates how wei wuxian's intelligence, witty charm, and cultivation abilities are naturally stronger than his own. he does care about wei wuxian a lot and want them to be together as sort of-brothers, sort of-friends, sort of-young master and sect servant...

...but if it's between that unclear (yet still caring) relationship and being able to save himself just a little bit more, jiang cheng nearly always manages to clam up in the face of danger and choose the latter, which ultimately benefits himself most. maybe it's a stretch to call that sort of thing greed, but it certainly isn't selfless.

there are of course plenty of justifications for this. it's his duty as sect heir. his home and sect was severely damaged by the wen attack and subsequent war; he had to protect himself, etc.

but doesn't that prove the point?

wei wuxian may be charming, but in terms of pure social standing, he is lower and far more susceptible to being punished or placed in harm's way by people who have more power and money. to protect wei wuxian, yunmeng jiang's long-term head disciple and semi-family member, even in the face of backlash and public scrutiny would've been the selfless thing to do. this is what wei wuxian does for the wen remnants in the burial mounds.

jiang cheng does not choose this. it's not even an unreasonable choice for him to make! nobody else in the great clans is doing such a thing, stepping out of line to take on a burden that could weaken them in the long-run. wei wuxian himself doesn't hate jiang cheng for it; he lets go of these things and focuses on what good he can do in the present.

jiang cheng thinks further into the future - what would happen to him if he continued vouching for wei wuxian and taking his side? what about jiang cheng's face, his sect's face? would wei wuxian even care to reciprocate somehow? everyone expects him to cut off wei wuxian for being dangerous, for threatening his position, for...

do you see what i mean? to call jiang cheng selfless for falling in line with exactly what people expected him to do after the war is not only wrong, it's foolish.

"but they faked their falling-out!" okay. why fake it to begin with, except to protect jiang cheng and the jiang sect's own face? is that selfless? who does it ultimately serve to protect? wei wuxian canonically internalizes the idea that he stains all that he touches, including lan wangji, and agrees to the fake fight because he doesn't want to cause the jiang sect harm. regardless, it eventually slides into a true falling-out, and in the end jiang cheng is more or less unscathed reputation-wise while wei wuxian falls.

that isn't selfless. it's many things! it's respecting his clan and his ancestors, it's making a good plan for the future of his sect and cultivation... but it isn't a truly selfless in the interest of what's right rather than in the interest of duty and what's good for him and his family lineage.

that brings me to my next point: even though wei wuxian hid the truth of the golden core transfer, jiang cheng spent nearly 20 years believing that the golden core "renewal" he was given was a birthright gift of wei wuxian's from baoshan-sanren, an immortal sect teacher of wei wuxian's mother's and a martial elder to wei wuxian.

of course we all know that's a big fat lie, but jiang cheng believed that wei wuxian gave up a critical emergency use gift to him for decades! he was lied to, yes, but jiang cheng immediately agreed without even needing to be convinced. the light in his dead eyes came back with hope the moment wei wuxian even said baoshan-sanren's name. he accepted wei wuxian's offer to give that up to him and take it via identity theft without missing a beat.

with how mysterious and revered baoshan-sanren is, that's obviously not a light sacrifice to just give up to anyone, no matter how close they might be to you. pretending to be wei wuxian to take the gift could even be considered dangerous. what if she found out and got offended? could wei wuxian be hurt by that?

jiang cheng doesn't even hesitate. wei wuxian is the one who mentions that if jiang cheng doesn't pretend to be him, the immortal master could get angry and they'd both be goners. and funnily enough, the day they do go to "the mountain", jiang cheng is the one worried and suspiciously wondering if wei wuxian was lying to him or had misremembered.

of course they've both been traumatized like hell prior to this point. but still: it speaks to how broken he was at the moment as well as to his character overall.

i digress: jiang cheng "gets his golden core back" via what he believed was a gift that should've been wei wuxian's to use in serious emergencies. rather than use it for himself, wei wuxian risked his own safety and gave it to jiang cheng... and jiang cheng still ends up embittered and angry, believing that wei wuxian is arrogant and selfish.

if he truly views them as 100% brothers and equals with no caveats, why would he think that way? it's not like he needs to grovel before wei wuxian for doing that, or to reciprocate... but this is what i mean when i say jiang cheng feels he is owed things by wei wuxian. wei wuxian's actions hold a very different weight in jiang cheng's mind, and jiang cheng himself doesn't ever act the same way, except once.

is it wrong for him to feel like he is owed something? it depends. many asian cultures, including my own, feel that a person owes their family in ways that may not make sense to westerners. for example, it's considered normal for a child to owe their parents for giving birth to them, or to other caretakers for feeding, clothing, sheltering, educating them, etc.

however, something like verbally saying "thank you" or "i'm sorry" to family is considered crazy- why would you owe that? you're supposed to inconvenience your family; saying thank you or sorry is the sort of thing you say to a stranger or acquaintance. i get half-seriously lectured by my elders on this a lot even now, even though they know such phrases are just considered good manners in the US.

this muddies up the idea of wei wuxian being jiang cheng's family vs his family's charge or servant even more. jiang cheng wants wei wuxian to be close... but ultimately doesn't really choose to use what power he DOES have to protect wei wuxian. he considers himself still owed something that in his mind wei wuxian flagrantly never repays.

this isn't even getting into how despite spending a majority of his time with the yiling patriarch he never once noticed that wei wuxian stopped using any spiritual power-based cultivation. even lan wangji, who met them far more rarely, realized that something was wrong and that wei wuxian had taken some sort of spiritual damage, hence the "come with me to gusu".

of course manpain is fun and i'm not immune to the juicy idea of them reconciling and talking things out... but jiang cheng is deeply mired in his own desire to be "above" wei wuxian in multiple ways, and doesn't realize the extent of wei wuxian's actions, the intentions behind them, and the consequences wei wuxian knowingly faced for them.

to not recognize this about jiang cheng, especially in the novels, is really revisionist if you ask me. i reiterate that i really do like him a lot. he's flawed, angry, traumatized and has poor coping mechanisms, an overall fascinating character... but he is not selfless nor ideal, and i seriously draw the line at people saying he is.

wen ning shoves this all into his face at lotus pier to disastrous results. it is the reason why jiang cheng's a total mess at guanyin temple, and the reason jiang cheng ultimately doesn't tell wei wuxian about the fact that he ran towards the wens on purpose.

for that one last act of his to have really been selfless, he needs to not seek anything in return. he did it purely because it was right to do to protect someone else. if that means wei wuxian never finds out about it, so be it.

that moment that ended up causing jiang cheng irreversible harm is not a debt that wei wuxian owes him. it hurts, but no matter how bitter it is, that realization is so important to him changing in the future.

#keri chats #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #jiang cheng #long post #this is NOT anti/crit for him btw i like him a lot i just feel like nobody interprets him the way i perceive him #which even then my interpretation is p nebulous... worth saying i also heavily disagree w ppl who think of him as an evil shithead #he's upper class & steeped in jianghu politics/self preservation. flawed as hell human being but they're all war criminals lbr it's #Magical Genocide and War Crimes: The Novel #anyway this post is messy as fuck but if u read all of it: thank u. if u agree with me: ilu. i wish more ppl understood revenge ethics #as they stand in asian cultures and history vs in western (almost always culturally christian) cultures #it's unclear how far in the future the extras are but at one pt he's ''the same as ever'' which at best indicates slow emotional growth #and like. ykw? i don't think he'll be repressed bitter angry thinking abt his losses n pain forever. i think he can grow i believe in him #i have so many thoughts on this i could've made this post go on forever augh

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sofoulandfairaday · 6 months

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i can't decide which i like more:

the idea - very much canonical and in the author's original concept and view of magic - of the dark arts taking a toll on one's exterior and looks. tom riddle sacrificing his beauty willingly in the name of eternal life, black magic as something that innately corrupts. bellatrix escaping from azkaban with the barest vestiges of her ancient beauty. going from one of the most beautiful women in england to a shell of her former self and no amount of dark magic being able to fix it. and she just. doesn't care. goes from pretty, proud and vain in her youth, to the feverish, fanatical glow harry sees in the department if mysteries. finally she sheds the petal of the rose - look like the innocent flower, her master had once said - and only the thorns remain. the parallel with voldemort himself. the idea that they like each other better now, the only ones to like their respective new appearances better. bellatrix because she can taste the power radiating off him, because she knows how resentful he was of his old face. (oh, he's never said anything explicitly, he would rather be flayed alive than speak of his filthy muggle father to her, but she knew he didn't like himself, took no pride in his aesthetics, it was most unusual, really.) the dark lord because he's reminded of her sacrifice - she was the only one who didn't denounce him, who tried to find him - every time he looks at her. she gave up everything for him: her reputation, her family, her freedom, her health, her beauty, her youth.

or.

the horcruxes are an isolated case. not all prices to pay for power are physical. some dark magic sucks at your humanity, your emotional regulation, your empathy and gives back superficial little gifts. its roots are far from the deep anger, desperation to cling to life of an horcrux. these are ancient witches' remedies to be the most envied in the village. the idea that rotten cores hide behind the prettiest faces. and bellatrix was always vain, always took immense pride in her beauty, her black, pure features. when she escapes from azkaban she tries everything in her power to be herself once again. she still drips with obsession but gradually regains all of her beauty too. cruel people can still be beautiful. gorgeous people can still be inhuman. and yet there is something so human about a woman making her way through the ranks of a very militarised group and still caring so much about what she looks like, still having insecurities, being preoccupied with mundane things like age and decay - and hating it because he would hate it, he hates weakness, and still not being able to help herself. the dark lord was always a collector of shiny things, was he not?

#sorry for the ineloquent stream of consciousness. it's midnight i am exhaused and once again in a bellamort brainrot #better yet - bellatrix and her relationship with her gender is something that i find so fascinating and that few people explore properly #and the differences between bellatrix and voldemort and how they would perceive certain things (e.g. physical beauty)#being a children's book hp uses the very common trope that ugly = bad #the villains are all deprived of their good looks somehow #except in lockhart's case where he literally loses his wits (the whole point of his character - very dante-esque as a punishment)#and dark magic clearly takes a toll on your body #i like characters that are described as imperfect and that are forced to make sacrifices. would bella give this up for her master? yes.#would it be painful? i find that i like both versions of her.#bellatrix lestrange #lord voldemort #bellamort #bellatrix black

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sarcastic-clapping · 11 days

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as someone who has been wearing glasses since early childhood i literally can’t imagine just… waking up with 20/20 vision. that sounds so scary. i need to ease into my day with some peaceful blurriness first. until 8am it is shapes and colors ONLY. no sharp edges allowed.

#idk sometimes i straight up do not want to see that good #like hm no thanks i’ll stick with blobs i don’t need to be perceiving that ❤️#i can’t explain but waking up with sharp 20/20 vision feels loud #context i just took out my contacts after they’ve been bothering me all day. i love not seeing and i love not being in pain

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creepyscritches · 1 month

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Just finished another class on how to not put my foot in my mouth and it's soooo validating to know people have to learn these skills like anything else. I've signed up for uhhh I think this is like my 3rd or 4th? And experts on how to not sound like a dick will school me and 30 other professionals on how to not sound like a dick. Wiiiiiiild how much there is to learn on the intricacies of communication :O

#Creepy chatter #Professionally I've been trained on the SCARF model a lot but this is the first they linked neuroscience :o #We discussed how to avoid accidentally triggering fight/flight/freeze by limiting perceived social threats #Which is sooo neat bc I've had a similar discussion w my therapist and both said essentially the same thing #Your brain DOES experience social threat/injury just like a physical threat/injury. Right down to a pain sensation.#Just like lol...being aware of that can make navigating conversations a little more understandable tbh #In F/F/F mode your brain literally does not use its logic center. We have entered unga bunga survival instincts.#Idk I have been enjoying this type of learning. Very psychology based w a focus on improving relationships :)

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statementlou · 8 months

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It’s too bad that some people have to ruin a nice thing. Louis is going to places that really don’t get a lot of big concerts. He’s going out of his way to reach these places and probably isn’t making a whole lot of money, and in return some people are being so gross. We all know that there are the stalker crew that follow the tour and fight local fans to get to the barricades, so odds are high they’re part of the problem we’re seeing now. I wouldn’t blame him if for the next leg there is no more barricade run.

While I'm aware that most people aren't as chronically online and tracking Louis' every mood and movement as I am, at this point even a mild engagement with the fandom in the runup to your show- which I feel like its safe to assume anyone putting in the time to get on barricade has- is enough to let you know that at this time he is not enjoying people tugging at his clothes and it is not the moment! I think there are the privileged foreign fans following him around who carry that sense of privilege into their actions on barricade, I think there are probably local fans who are just wildly excited about their one show and getting a little crazed in the moment (or just being jerks) as well- personally I wish that instead of having it be an all or nothing thing that Louis would just do it when he's feeling it and having fun and it feels fun and silly to let people tug at him, and simply take the day off when he is, for example, sick and struggling through a lot of back to back shows, the same as he lets the songs that are harder at certain times be taken off the set list as needed and only does the stage door fan time when he feels up for it

#tbh I think part of the problem is that he is still doing barricade partially to distract from the fact that he's struggling #or because he feels guilty for the shows not being 100%#I watched the afhf doc last night and the whole thing is just him being SO STRESSED about doing good enough its actually painful to watch #and I just kept thinking about how stressed he must be right now about his perceived failure to give 110% at every show #when most people won't have noticed a damn thing!! as for example the people on barricade #who are just fully oblivious #I bet he's scared too about losing vocal capability long term😭I wish I could send him all the hugs (from SOMEONE ELSE not me that's scary)#blah blah blah

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chainofclovers · 7 months

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Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death

#(i'm fine)#(personally) (mostly) (really)#this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals #and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that...#...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once #including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that #and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died #and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal #which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting #and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing #desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird #always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/#and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were #so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile #but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had #and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair #to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly*#and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful #i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why...#...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating #it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible #and feeling that way is 100% sane #and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple #for meaning and for ideas of what to do #so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things #and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days #often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control #and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being...#...at least a sliver about ME and my little world #about me

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foolishnpd · 7 months

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I perceive that I'm getting ignored (I'm not really) and I want to scream and kill everyone about it

#lilyroaring #npd safe #I guess it's like. the equivalent to perceiving abandonment in bpd?#doesn't have to actually be happening but even the perception or thought of it might send you splitting #my soul is a stone statue and every time I get ignored #a thousand little demons start smashing it with hammers #and babey I am ready to crumble #it's just this horrible aching pain and void feeling in my chest #I'm being ignored I'm being ignored I'm not getting attention don't I deserve that attention #why are you ignoring me why aren't you paying attention to me now #what's wrong is it my fault did I not speak perfectly was I not perfect enough #am I not trying hard enough to be worthy of love anymore #and it either turns into an internal crash of self hatred #or a split where I despise and look down on whoever dares to ignore me #..... I'm not even being ignored there's no reason to be worked up about it #I would like to give an honorary thank you to my mother for always literally ignoring me #surely that's not a huge part of the problem here :))))

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caffeinatedopossum · 3 months

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Happy international women's day!

Because nothing says happy international woman's day like a joke about horrific medical malpractice (I'm so sorry)

#genuinely the medical malpractice against women is still horrible to this day #like just the number of people who have been dismissed misdiagnosed untreated etc because of being perceived as a woman is fucked up #i went to the ER with crippling stomach cramps once (a chronic issue that had escalated) and all they did was make me take a pregnancy test #despite the fact that im not even sexually active #like i understand asking afabs when their last period was cause there can be conditions that affect that other than pregnancy #but CMON #and thats not even to touch on what happens to fat or POC women #just. pain #i may not be a woman but i hold with me a type of indignation and anger for every one of you

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peribirb · 10 days

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*stares wistfully out the window* i have GOT to get to a furry con one of these days....

#alas! the pains and horrors of being perceived 😔#i'm. honestly really hoping that hrt and the whole transition process makes me at least a _little_ more comfortable in my skin #so i can Go Out and Do Things and feel like a Normal Person while i do them jkdfhg

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katyspersonal · 4 months

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It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one

#/vent #personal #and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one #previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together #this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed #but again it got solved #I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats #(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them #until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression #I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally #I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I #it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth #and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them #so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change #maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess

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saintchaser · 1 year

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when i die, don't look for me in the sunsets...

sirius — look for me in the sky. i know it's a cliché, but there is where you will see me. am i scared of death? no, of course not. i am endless, i am invincible, i am bright; i am the brightest star, actually. i will reach out for you, and i will light up your way. you will find me.

james — look for me in the sky. you will see the sun, bright and scorching. i will warm you up when you will grieve for me, and i will bring closure to you. i might be gone, but i haven't left you alone. i am here, still. and i always will be.

remus — look for me in the river. see the stones, smooth and cold. look at the water, running. its way is freedom, isn't it? it's all ended; it's over. however, that does not mean you can't go on. fall in love. live. without me. we'll meet again soon.

peter — look for me somewhere quiet. there is beauty in quiet, although some people can't see it. it's peaceful. come sit with me, won't you? death is imminent, of course; however, why won't we make the most of life?

dorcas — look for me in my lover's arms. i have been deceived so many times, death does not scare me anymore; it's the last bit of closure i have. look for me in the little things, where i hide. many do not see me, yet i am here. you just have to look for me.

lily — look for me at home. everything has a start and an ending, and i am always coming back. look for me where i can be myself, where everything is warm. look for me at home. maybe, one day, it will be ours to share.

mary — look for me somewhere bright. the sky, maybe. or somewhere colourful. it helps me forget how alone i am, really. i forget about the loneliness that aches in me. someday, i wish you'd search for me. for now, grieve.

marlene — look for me somewhere loud. it helps me forget. scared of death? of course, so i don't think of it. i let myself be washed away with adrenaline, pumped through my brain, and with a moment of pleasure. life is short, after all.

#aside this being an insight in the kind of people they are i think it is also an insight of the way they perceive death #sirius thinks he's for the most part invincible and endless and therefore no one can kill him #james knows he will die and he made peace with it however he does not want people to feel alone just because he's gone #remus knows people will grieve over him and he doesn't want them to. he wants them to continue living without them #peter is a bit scared of death and he would like to live to the fullest so when he doesn't die he can't regret not living #dorcas is not afraid of death and willing to welcome it if it means saving someone else from it #lily believes death and life are a circle that end/begin home and so it's her way of coming back to watch over her loved ones #mary knows she will be left alone in the end and she wants to forget it and shelter herself from grief and pain and so she tries forgetting #marlene is scared of death but would never admit it. so she keeps her mind busy. she knows she'll die but she's scared of the idea of death #anyways this got waaay too long in the tags sorry #sirius black #james potter #remus lupin #peter pettigrew #dorcas meadowes #lily evans #mary macdonald #marlene mckinnon #my writing

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