#basically she chose the view of a new friend about me over the actual me
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its so weird that the one friend who has my baby pictures isn't going to be in my life anymore... like we were practically born and grew up together but times change i guess?
#everybody (she) moved on but i stayed there dust collected on my pinned up hair-#oh well nostagia is not a good mood rn#childhood friends#broken friendships#friendships#love#main aisi q hu#if youre reading tags then why i spill to you special person#basically she chose the view of a new friend about me over the actual me#it was some very disturbing stereotype but she went with the new friend#fine then bye#even though im sad im glad such a fragile friend isnt here anymore#okie bye
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A question I’ve always struggled with when writing about the First Age is: how did the non-Fëanorions (particularly the Arafinwions) react to the first Kinslaying?
Alqualondë has an outsized impact on the narrative - it’s responsible for the ban on Quenya, for most of Thingol’s hostility towards the Noldor, and of course for the Doom of the Noldor, which is arguably one of the over-arching conflicts of the story. But we don’t really get to see anyone’s reactions to it (besides Thingol’s), and - oddly - in-text, no one performs any action in response to it. Finarfin explicitly turns back after the Doom is pronounced, not after Alqualondë itself!
Isn’t it odd that no one saw all the dead bodies and stayed behind to help? Not one of the Arafinwions - you know, the kids of Eärwen, Teleri princess? That it was never even under discussion?
In my opinion, the only way you can justify this without making most of the Noldor completely morally bankrupt (and you can certainly argue that at this point in time, they’re already remorseless killers - but I think there’s some moral difference between a fight that got out of hand in the heat and desperation of the moment, and coming upon the aftermath of a fight where people are lying dead and dying everywhere, and completely ignoring it) is if the Teleri basically kicked them out. And I think what’s ignored in a lot of readings of the Arafinwions’ decisions is the agency of Eärwen (understandable, Tolkien doesn’t really mention her at all, nobody ever said the Silm was a feminist text lol).
Here’s one plausible interpretation of what happened, feat. Eärwen making actual decisions that help drive the plot:
To the Teleri, the idea of leaving Aman to honor Finwë would be insanely disrespectful. Finwë pled with the Valar for years to bring the Teleri to Aman! Finwë led his people through great danger to Aman! And now that he is dead, they want to immediately undo his actions and abandon his life's work? No way! Fëanor will do what he wants, but surely the rest of the Noldor won't go along with it...?
Eärwen is of like mind with the Teleri - of course she grieves Finwë, along with Finarfin, but in her mind the best way to honor him is to stay in the place of safety that he gave his life for. To leave would be a grievous insult.
But Finarfin won't abandon his brothers, and their children are also set on going, for all the textual reasons: Finrod for Turgon and to see Beleriand, Aegnor and Angrod for Fingon, Galadriel for new lands to rule. Orodreth doesn't want to leave, but he's the consummate middle child and doesn't want to be left out by his siblings either. Eärwen is furious: from her point of view, her husband is choosing his insane brother over her (as he's probably done at many points during the relationship if we're honest...), and he's taking her children with him!
But she's also the daughter of Olwë: she knows how hard it is to travel between Valinor and Beleriand. She doesn't think they'll make it. So she just says, come to me when you've come to your senses, and goes to take refuge at her father's house.
But then! The Kinslaying happens. oops :)
From the Teleri point of view: the Noldor tried to steal their ships, they fought back, and they were slaughtered. From Eärwen's point of view, the brothers that her husband and children chose over her killed her people. Her sons and daughter betrayed and murdered their childhood nursemaids, their swimming teachers, their friends, their people. She declares to Olwë: I have no husband, and I have no children.
Olwë says: all right then, there goes my one remaining reason to play nice with the Noldor. He decrees that no Noldor will be allowed within their city, on pain of death. Maybe a slight overreaction? But if the Noldor are allowed to be insane in their grief then so are the Teleri.
From the Arafinwion point of view: they came upon a battle already done, and the ships gone. They saw Noldor and Teleri bodies mingled together, and probably couldn't get a clear answer out of anyone about what happened. Then they're chased out of the city at spearpoint when they try to help. Finarfin, without fully knowing what's happened, tries to play the peacemaker bc that's his automatic response, and says, "is there any way we can make amends/make this up to you?"
Olwë hears that and assumes that Finarfin participated in the Kinslaying. He's like "HELL no, get the FUCK out and your children with you!"
Finarfin and his kids ask to see Eärwen. They're vehemently refused.
From there, what can they do but go forwards? They can't help the Teleri, or do anything to make amends; the Teleri won't let them. Finarfin&co can't even see Eärwen! They have no reason to go back to Tirion, and every reason to go forward with the host - they still don't know what happened, and they can at least help the Noldor, who were also killed in droves.
But then they get the full story out of the Nolofinwions, and they're horrified. No wonder Ammë didn't want to see me, Finrod says miserably, I wouldn't want to see me either.
But they still can't go back to Alqualondë. And all the reasons they had for leaving Tirion are still there: friendship, the desire to see Beleriand, wanting vengeance for Finwë and to regain the Silmarils (which are, remember, the only remaining source of light they have besides the stars). And besides, pretty much everyone besides a few assholes and Fëanor is torn up about the Kinslaying, and regrets what happens.
At least some of the Arafinwion host is still on fire to go on - if Finarfin and his kids turn back, they'll be leaving their people to the leadership of Fingolfin and Fëanor, who are both completely insane with grief and rage currently. And they'll also be leaving their cousins to the responsibility of....all that...alone. Finrod and Galadriel decide to go on. Orodreth wants to turn back. Aegnor and Angrod are undecided. Finarfin is so torn up he doesn't know what to think.
Then the Doom is pronounced. And I think the response from the Arafinwion host would be: what the fuck?!
Remember, the Arafinwions (and at least some of Nolofinwions) have done absolutely nothing wrong besides express a desire to leave. And now they're being told that the wrath of the Valar lays on them just as much as on the bloodthirstiest of their Kinslaying brethren. Maybe, they think, Fëanor had a point about the Valar. Maybe Olwë was in the wrong to not let them have the ships. Maybe the Kinslaying wasn't so bad after all! Most of the Arafinwions are now completely enraged with the Valar and totally ready to follow Fëanor.
But Finarfin - Finarfin cannot believe his brothers. He cannot believe what they have condemned him and his people to, in their rage and pain. They have lost him his wife. Their people killed many he counted as close friends. They have placed him and all his children under the wrath of the Valar.
For the first time in his life, he gives up on peacemaking. He tells his children, "Let's go home."
But they won't go. They're as furious with the Valar as anyone else. They're angry with their mother, for refusing to see them, for believing that of them; and they won't let their cousins face their doom alone. Besides, Finrod at least still doesn't want to abandon their people.
Galadriel and Finarfin get into a screaming fight, the first of their lives. Finrod tries unsuccessfully to mediate and ends up snapping at his father and leaving. Orodreth is weeping in the background. Aegnor and Angrod, angry with their father, turn heel and go to stand with Fingon.
Finally, Finarfin just...gives up. He takes those who are willing to go, and leaves without a word to his children or brothers.
After he has received a pardon, he eventually reconciles with Eärwen. Apologies are made on both sides.
But Finarfin's biggest regret is the way he parted with his children - and he won't get to see his youngest again until three Ages of the world have passed.
#finarfin#earwen#finrod#aegnor#angrod#orodreth#galadriel#first kinslaying#silm meta#the silmarillion#alqualonde#my writing
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timing's a bitch (s.h) - 3/5
spring '86
i almost had you and i almost wish you would've loved me too - almost, bowling for soup (x)
"if you have chemistry, you only need one other thing...timing. but timing is a bitch" - how i met your mother
a.k.a a.k.a the three times that steve harrington chose the wrong moment, the one time that you chose the wrong moment, and the one time you both got it right (series masterlist)
You didn’t come back to Hawkins until Spring.
It was nothing to do with Steve. Actually, nothing had changed with him. Aside from looking at him and realising that he was single-handedly responsible for the best night of your life, he was still Steve to you. Steve, who you had shaken hands with and agreed that neither of you would ever mention the hook up. Steve, who had insisted you both have a mature conversation about your fight. Steve, who had continued to drive to the city every other fucking weekend since then so you could spend time together as best friends. Just best friends. Nothing else. Even though you shared ice cream at Coney Island and stalked through Battery City at six in the fucking morning to admire the views. You shared a bed and many demons but here you were. Best friends.
Spring Break came around quicker than you expected. You’d been eager to spend more than a singular weekend at home and actually catch up with your old friends; coffee with Nancy and record shopping with Eddie were all on the agenda, but Steve had insisted on booking you up for most of the week you were home. In some way, hooking up had accidentally brought you closer. All signs of co-dependency that you would rather have ignored than face in couples therapy. Who had the money?
That night had played on your mind over and over again, as had the other night that you and Steve almost-but-didn’t actually hook-up. That word, you’d found, had come up a lot in recent months: almost. You almost slept with him. You almost took Steve up on his offer of a relationship. You almost begged him to stay the morning after you fucked. So many almosts in the space of just a few months and it was starting to fry your brain. You’d gone fourteen years without ever thinking of Steve as anything more than a friend; fourteen years pitying whichever girl he was trying to woo that week. You’d never anticipated that you might one day be one of those girls.
It didn’t feel as bad as you thought it would.
Your first day home, as promised to your parents, was spent at their house. It was unpacking and lunch and then catching up on what you’d done since Christmas - though you refrained from telling them who you had done -and then finally, around sun down, they released you from their grip to go and meet your friends at the lake. Steve, as promised, pulled up outside your house at 8:02PM.
He met you half-way up the garden path, taking you in his embrace.
“Hey, stranger!”
“Hey, Steve,” you laughed. “I only saw you last week-”
“- in New York,” he cut you off, releasing you from his grip. He ran a hand over your hair with a grin. “Seeing you in Hawkins is…different.”
You frowned. “Different how?”
“Just different,” he shrugged. “C’mon, everyone’s already at the lake.”
“Yeah, sorry,” you huffed, following Steve to the car. “My mum was talking my ear off for like three hours about my Aunt Fiona’s operation.”
Steve smiled. “Don’t apologise. I visited her in hospital last week and she’s doing okay.”
“You visited my aunt in hospital?”
“Well…yeah,” he said it as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I’ve known her basically my entire life.”
“It’s not that,” you replied. “It just looks really bad that I didn’t come from New York earlier to see her-”
“-it’s okay, you’re busy,” he shrugged. “Besides, I will always be Fiona’s favourite. The Golden Child.”
You chattered back and forth until you reached the lake.
As promised, Nancy was already down there with the gang and, true to her nature, she’d brought everything you could possibly need. A tent, towels, stuff to make s’mores when the sun went down. Evening was slowly creeping in but it was still very warm out - maybe seventy or so degrees - and the water looked beautiful under the pink sunset. Save for a few other groups dotted about the shores, the lake was pretty quiet. That meant that the group had spread out a little.
Still, that didn’t stop them all piling in your direction as soon as they saw you get out of Steve’s car. Nancy first, and then Robin, and then finally Eddie Munson wrapped his wily arms around you and dragged you over to where they were sat. There was no pointing in screaming and kicking - he was freakishly strong after all - because that would only encourage him even more to dump you straight in the lake. So, you were grateful when he dropped you on the ground and handed you a beer from his cooler.
“Beers are on me, ladies,” he grinned proudly. “Stole ‘em from my uncle.”
“And they say romance is dead,” Robin muttered.
“So,” Nancy rolled her eyes at them, pulling the attention to you. “How’s New York? How’s college?”
“It’s amazing!” you grinned. “The city is amazing and college is amazing and…it’s amazing.”
Steve leant over to you, voice lowered. “Say amazing one more time and we might believe you.”
“I wanna go to a proper one next year when I’m done with this community college bullshit,” Eddie chimed in. “I hear the hook-up culture is amazing at the inner-city ones. Better than it is here, I hope.”
“I mean…yeah, it’s good,” you shrugged. “Depends where you go, though.”
“There must be so many guys in New York,” Nancy said. “Found any nice suitors yet?”
No, the one I like is in Hawkins.
You glanced over at Steve, but shook your head. “There’s been some here and there but…all that’s boring. Let’s go in the lake before it gets dark!”
With that you, you cleared your throat and stood up. Tossing aside your t-shirt, you kicked off your shoes and ran into the water before anyone could ask any further questions.
The lake was cold, despite the warm air, and you quickly regretted throwing yourself in so quickly. Even though the ice cold water wasn’t any less painful than the conversation you were having back on the shore, you sort of preferred the suffering when it was just a metaphorical sense. Still, you forced yourself to swim further out in an attempt to get away and to warm-up. Two birds, one stone and all that. The lake wasn’t massive but still, you only got half way out before your arms began to ache.
Grabbing onto a buoy, you pulled yourself up to catchy our breath. You’d never been the strongest swimmer but you could have been an Olympian when it came to running away from conversations you didn’t want to have. Only for a little while, though, because Steve - who was an annoyingly quick swimmer - was already on his way over. The other three, it seemed, were stood on a bridge arguing over who was going to go in first. Nancy pushing Eddie in was the last thing you made out before your best friend arrived on the scene.
“They get too much for you already?”
You smiled a little bit, shaking your head. “No, they just ask a lot of questions.”
“And you ran away because…?”
“I-” you began, but then stopped. “No reason, Steven. I just wanted to get in the water before it got too cold.”
“Y’know I hate when you call me Steven,” he muttered. “That’s not even my legal name-”
“- yeah, but it’s funny when you get mad.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” you grinned.
“Something’s on your mind, isn’t it?” Steve asked.
“What makes you say that?”
“Your constant changing on the subject, the fact you near enough drowned yourself when Nancy raised the question of boys-”
“- I just wanna enjoy tonight,” you cut him off. “I appreciate you looking out for me but right now, let’s just have fun. Please?”
Steve nodded and gave you a little smile. “Of course - just as long as you promise to tell me what it is later?”
“Yeah, I promise.”
“And you know I’ve always got you,” he kept one hand on the buoy, raising the other to give you a light punch on the shoulder. “Provided that this new thing of running into freezing cold water every time you’re inconvenienced doesn’t become a habit, m’kay?”
“Lakes are a very good way of avoiding certain subjects,” you teased. “And you still came in after me.”
“I said it in sixth grade when I saved you from the pool and I’ll say it again,” he said. “I will always come after you.”
That was a promise he had kept: Steve had never not come after you. After every bad date and bad day and bad anything, he’d always been there. He’d come after you on New Years Eve simply just because he missed you and tonight, he’d come after you the second you’d run away. He’d saved you in every way since you slipped and fell in the pool all those years ago.
You took one hand off the buoy, gently placing it on Steve’s face. His eyes followed your movements, brown irises never leaving your form as you thumb softly stroked his cheek. Any other time, he would have slapped it away and called you cheesy, but right then, he didn’t move. In fact, he was stone cold still as you leant in towards him - not from the cold, and not from shock either. Wasn’t it sort of established that kissing was just a thing you did now?
Steve met you half way, face slowly inching towards yours.
And then, as if by magic, you both suddenly pulled backwards just before your lips touched.
“I have a girlfriend!”
“I’m dropping out of college!”
The revelations came at the same time and were met with equal looks of shock on both your faces. You reeled backwards, not bothering to avoid splashing Steve as you did. Eyes wide with surprise and what he thought might have been fury, you pulled yourself to the other side of the buoy to take a moment. Just a moment, even a singular second, to process what the fuck he had just said.
Steve was in a similar situation; he’d never even considered the idea that you might ever move home so soon. After all the bullshit conversation about things changing and this is what I want, Steve, even the possibility had seemed so far fetched. He would have been overwhelmed with joy at your revelation had you not looked like you were about to stab him.
“What the fuck?!” you demanded. “When you were going to tell me that?!”
“When were you going to tell me about you dropping out?!”
“I think we should talk about your thing first!” you said. “So I’ll ask again - when you were gonna tell me?”
“I don’t know!” Steve exclaimed. “Tonight, probably? Maybe tomorrow? Honestly, it was just something I was going to slip into conversation-”
“- we talk every fucking day, Steve! Every day say hey, what’s new? and you NEVER thought to answer the question with I HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND?!”
“I thought you’d be happy for me!”
“You’re so stupid,” you muttered. “I’m not angry at you for having a girlfriend, I’m angry at you because you didn’t tell me, and also maybe a little angry that we almost just kissed and you didn’t stop me earlier!”
“I forgot?”
“How do you forget?”
Steve sighed. “Imagine the thing you want most in the world. And then imagine finding a thing that makes you almost as happy as the last thing. And then imagine that the first thing, the thing you want most in the world, is trying to kiss you and you temporarily forget about the other thing-”
“- I’m the thing you want most in the world?” you asked softly.
“In any form, yes,” he admitted. “I met this girl a few weeks ago at the arcade. She’s funny and sweet and…I really want to give it a chance, okay? I owe it to myself because I think, to some extent, I might still be recovering a little from your rejection. You are not easy to get over.”
You smiled, giving him a little nod. “So I’m too late to ask you to take a chance on us when I move back?”
“‘Fraid so,” he murmured. “I love being your best friend and I’m so glad that you’re mine, but like I said, getting over you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You’re on my mind 24/7 and after we hooked up, it only got worse and…honestly? I think I might just need to let myself be with someone else for a while. She’s good for me. The change is good.”
“Yeah,” you tried to swallow your pain, forcing a grimace. “Change can be good.”
“Can we talk about your thing now?” he asked. “Are you really dropping out?”
“Mm,” you nodded. “I haven’t been happy for a while. I tried to wait it out but I think I need to come home for a while.”
“And I’ll be here every step of the way, I promise,” Steve said. “C’mon, let’s head back to shore before it gets dark.”
“Yeah, I’ll be right behind you.”
Steve gave you one last smile before letting go of the buoy and swimming away. As soon as he was a few meters out, you released your grip too and let yourself slip underwater. Only for a second, just long enough to open your mouth and let out the world’s biggest yell of frustration. On and on and on, until your lungs hurt from the presence of screaming and absence of breathing. Then, you re-submerged to the surface and took a deep breath.
If only you’d been a few weeks earlier.
taglist: @yaskna @karasong @etherealforever234 @i-bitch-you-bitch @aphex2winn @raes-gay @handsupforamiracle @palmtreesx3 @lokiofasgard616 @notahappystan @we-out-here-simping @angel-jz @suniloli @mapleransom-blog @thexplosivegirl @lou-la-lou @eddiemunsonloml
#steve harrington x reader#steve harrington imagines#steve harrington imagine#steve harrington reader insert#steve harrington fluff#steve harrington angst#steve harrington fanfic#steve harrington fan fiction#steve harrington x you#stranger things x reader#stranger things imagine#stranger things imagines#stranger things reader insert#stranger things fluff#stranger things angst#steve harrington
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Chapter 23 of 21 Questions
better interface on wattpad
At half past five in the afternoon on the East Coast, the Sturniolo triplets – Nick to be honest – successfully posted their weekly Wednesday video. They had entitled it Baking class for chris’s victory *it's actually edible* and the views as well as the likes quickly appeared on Nick’s screen. He had made sure that Alex and Lily were always hidden by something or someone when they were recording and the girls thanked him again for being understanding.
Now that the main events of the days were over, the group of friends decided to head back to the house. Lily asked them what they all wanted to eat for dinner tonight as she was planning on cooking and needed to know whether they had to stop to buy ingredients or not. Luckily, the triplets chose lasagna – after asking Lily three times if she didn’t mind – and the designated cook knew that they had everything back home.
“Would y’all wanna meet our friends before leaving?” Lily suggested as she stopped at a red light. “I mean, Nick already saw Lucas but we could all hang out together tonight seeing as we met your best friends.”
“That sounds really nice Lily,” Matt agreed as his brothers did the same.
Although Alex had denied that Lily and Lucas were dating, Matt was still curious to witness their dynamic. He wondered if Lily would act no differently than if she were only with her friends and not with the triplets, and hoped that the girls’ friends would like him, Chris and Nick.
While Lily finished driving them back to her house, Alex had texted their groupchat to offer Lily’s idea to Jade and Lucas. They immediately replied positively, excited to meet their friends’ new friends. The two coworkers knew the basics regarding Lily and Matt’s relationship, but were impatient to eventually hear the full story once they’d have Alex and Lily to themselves.
~~~
Everyone was getting to know each other as Jade and Lucas had recently arrived at the girls’ house and were finally able to meet the famous triplets. Not having seen either of the girls since they’d been back, Jade tightly hugged Alex and Lily for a few minutes before going to introduce herself to Nick, Matt and Chris. Lucas also hugged his friends as they welcomed him into the house, and couldn’t help but feel a stare on him as he had his arm around Lily’s shoulders after their hug. So that’s Matt I guess, Lucas thought as he sent a smile to the middle triplet before leaving Lily to introduce himself to the two brothers he hadn’t met yet. The guys all exchanged handshakes, contrary to Jade who had hugged them due to her very outgoing nature. She knew not to get shy as she trusted her best friends for not having brought creepy weirdos in their house.
Once the introductions were done, they all settled in the living-room while Lily announced that she would start preparing dinner. Jade immediately offered to help as she wanted nothing more than to catch up with her friend.
“Soooo”, the youngest girl of the two began. “I need everything!”
“Babe, I can’t tell you much more right now.”
“Whyyyy?” Jade pleaded as she dragged out the vowel.
“Honestly, I thought we’d all have a drink over the weekend, with you and Lucas so that Alex and I can tell y’all both about last week.” Lily explained with a frown as her idea had felt more practical to her.
“Makes sense, no worries! I understand,” Jade smiled at her friend in comprehension. “Can you at least tell me if he treats you well?”
“He as in who? Matt?” Lily asked while heating the oven. “Of course he does, they all do. Wouldn’t be under our roof if they were monsters, would they?”
“True”, Jade admitted with a chuckle. “It’s gonna be hard having to wait for the whole story when the drama is so pretty.”
“Pretty?” Lily repeated with a raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, like– you have gorgeous triplets on your couch right now, you can’t tell me the gossip ain’t attractive.”
Jade was making a point that Lily didn’t know how to react to. Of course she had noticed that the triplets were handsome. Hell, she’d even go for Nick if she weren’t a girl. But it was something that Lily hadn’t wanted to dwell too much on. Yes, they were absolutely her type; no, she didn’t care about that.
“I don’t really view them like that you know,” Lily thought about how to word it. “I’m not blind obviously, but I guess their appearance is background knowledge for me. I care more for their personality and them being pretty is a bonus? Like you and the whole gang, I’d be dumb as hell not to notice that my best friends are drop dead gorgeous, but I like y’all for what’s inside of you guys.”
“Damn girl, I’ll end up crying if you keep going.” Jade fake wiped a tear to Lily’s words. “That’s so true and I love you, oh my god. Those guys don’t know how lucky they are to be around you, they’ll need to realise it soon.”
“Don’t bother them too much babe,” Lily teased. “I feel like the luckiest one out of us for now.”
Turning back to face the living-room, Lily’s eyes were met with the sight of two of her closest friends laughing with her three new friends. She quickly exchanged eye contact with Lucas, who threw his arm around Alex’s shoulders to hide it from the triplets and gave a thumbs up along with a grin to Lily in order to signify that he was having fun and approved of Nick, Matt and Chris.
~~~
After dinner – everyone had quickly agreed that Lily was an excellent cook, they decided to play board games. It was an activity that Lily and her three best friends were used to doing when hanging out together at one of their houses, so it felt like a good idea to include the triplets in their tradition.
“I feel like this could be a fun game since we don’t really know each other that well”, Lucas suggested while holding Codenames in his hand. “Even with the girls here it’s always chaos.”
“Ooh I love that one!” Alex exclaimed as she was on board with that.
“How do we split though?” Nick wondered as he pointed out that they were an odd number.
“We can definitely mix, it’ll add some fun into it.” Lily offered. “I don’t mind with whom I end up so y’all choose or we can even draw.”
“You’re the glue friend bro, of course you don’t mind.” Alex chuckled as she knew her best friend would be able to enjoy the game no matter what.
In the end, they decided to make one team of four with Lily, Lucas, Matt and Jade while the second team was of three with Alex, Chris and Nick. The formers would be team blue while the latters were the red team. They chose to often switch roles so that everyone could have their turn and it would be funny to see which word associations they could all think of.
The first round consisted of Lucas making Lily guess while Chris would make Nick guess, thus allowing everyone to relax as they thought that people who knew each other well was a good strategy to break the ice. It was a success as both teams were able to quickly guess the words associated with their team colour.
“Seems like the triplet mindhive isn’t working too well today”, Matt snickered as Nick had just chosen the ‘assassin’ word and led his team to losing the first round.
“Damn! We were doing so well,” Chris lamented. “Alex, save my honour please.”
“Will do, boss!”
As Lucas high-fived Lily for this victory before standing up, it was now Matt’s turn to make the girl guess words for the second round.
“Oh my god it’s so annoying”, Alex complained. “I have associations that I know Lily would immediately get, that’s insane.”
“Try me,” Nick said with confidence.
And she succeeded. Alex was surprisingly making a good team with Nick, which made sense as she had been watching the triplets’ videos for almost a year and was therefore able to grasp what was going on in their brains. However, it was currently more complicated on the other team as Lily was struggling to guess Matt’s words. She would guess one actual word of their team colour and the second one she’d try to guess always ended up being a neutral word, if not a word of Alex and Nick’s team colour.
“I am so sorry Matt”, Lily apologised with a frown. “I swear I’m usually better at this…”
“It’s okay, don’t worry Lily.” Matt smiled at his teammate in reassurance. Although he was mostly trying to associate words in a way that Lily could guess, he was also frustrated at himself for not doing as good as Lucas. “I’ll do better, for the team.” For you, he internally added as he wanted to experience a victory with Lily.
Lucas patted Matt on the back as a sign of support. He didn’t want to make Matt feel bad by suggesting words he knew could make sense together to Lily as he believed that they had to get to that level of closeness by themselves. He was rooting for Matt and knew he could eventually succeed. But for now, it wasn’t enough as Lily pointed at a word that wasn’t for her team, therefore making Alex yell of happiness for having won the second round.
“Tie break now!” the blonde said as she switched places with Chris.
“Bro I think I know how your brain works now, I’ll make you guess.” Chris felt confident for this third and last round as he motioned for Alex to sit in Nick’s place.
To counter this possible threatening duo, Lily decided that she wouldn’t be the one to guess anymore and made Lucas take her place as Jade took Matt’s place so that she could finally play. Lily trusted her two friends to win this round and went to sit next to Matt.
“Hey”, she softly said as she looked at him. “Sorry for losing.”
“Hey,” he replied. “No worries, I guess I need to get to know you better. I’m not as good as Lucas.”
“Nonsense bro, you’ll be on the same level in no time. I know it, we just need to get used to each other not being behind a screen.”
Matt agreed with a nod and the pair smiled at each other before turning their attention to the new round that was starting. Chris had been right for his confidence as he had just made Alex guess three words that wouldn’t have made much sense together for anyone else but actually did for the girl, which led to Chris fist-bumping her. However, Jade and Lucas weren’t to be underestimated as Jade managed to get Lucas to also guess three words, although one of them hadn’t even been one she’d hoped him to get with the two others. Then, when Alex eventually pointed at a neutral word, Chris loudly sighed. The good thing that could come out from this was that it meant that their team only had one word left. Therefore, if Lucas and Jade didn’t win now, Chris could easily make Alex guess their last word. Suspense was at its highest as Jade tried to imagine how to link her last two words together. She knew it would be a bit far-stretched but she decided that it was all or nothing.
“Them”, the girl said as she pointed at Matt and Lily with her head.
“Hey!” Chris protested. “Is that even allowed?”
Curious as to how this would play out, Alex chose to defend her rivals.
“Well, we can accept it. I trust us bro, Lucas barely knows Matt so it’s an easy victory.”
But as she looked at the words left and exchanged a glance with Jade across the table, Alex knew that Lucas would be able to guess the two words related to Matt and Lily. It wasn’t even a question of knowing Matt but of simply seeing what was obvious regarding the two friends. At this point, Alex didn’t even care about winning, she just wanted to see how her friend would react.
“Online”, Lucas confidently said to which Jade confirmed by putting a blue card on the word. He skimmed through the last words left and tried to think of what could remind him of the pair next to him. Finally, his eyes set on a word and he snickered. “Cute?”
“LET’S GO!” Jade shouted as she smashed her last blue card on the word and high-fived Lucas.
“Noooooo!” Alex dramatically gasped as she knew it would end like that.
Glancing at Jade, Alex let out a laugh as if to say ‘well done’ for the word association before looking at her best friend whose expression was a mix of joy regarding their victory and confusion regarding the last word chosen.
“I get ‘online’ because Matt and I met like that but why even ‘cute’? Bit dumb.”
“Because y’all are”, Lucas chuckled as he ruffled Lily’s hair. He tried to be careful with his words as to not make things awkward. “You becoming friends online and then unknowingly meeting sounds like a book trope.”
“For real, it was fate that you ended up together!” Jade exclaimed as she was glad that Lucas got what she meant. “Well, like– together as friends obviously.”
As Jade winked at Lily, the oldest of the two looked away in embarrassment. Yes she could admit that it was meant to be to have met Matt like they did as Alex had said the same before, but Jade’s semi allusions felt too much for Lily who frowned a bit. Although unnoticed by most, Lucas saw the change in Lily’s expression and side-hugged her to show that they didn’t mean to tease her that much. She looked up at him as Lucas had been standing next to her chair and smiled in acknowledgement of his comfort. Matt had carefully watched the exchange, which confirmed to him why Nick had been fooled by their interactions.
The middle triplet didn’t mind how his and Lily’s relationship was seen by the others and even deemed it nice that Jade wasn’t against this friendship. They’re the cute ones though, Matt thought as he glanced again at Lily and Lucas. He hoped that he could one day be as comfortable with Lily around others as he only wished to be closer to her. His current thought process was simply filled with spending time with Lily and getting to know her even more. It could have seemed obsessive but it was Matt’s goal. His mind was strictly focused on that feeling you get when you meet someone new and want to know everything about them.
What makes her laugh? What makes her want to wake up in the mornings? What makes her smile the way she always does? What makes her, her? Matt knew some of those things obviously, but he couldn’t help but feel like he had only grazed the surface of what was going on in Lily’s brain. He had to go below and explore the depths of her thoughts. He had to reach into the obscure of her heart and know what was hiding behind its walls. He had to know everything about her, and he had to do the same in return: open himself to share the mysteries of his life with her and exchange their truest secrets about each other. He could only hope that she felt the same.
~~~
After playing two other board games – Clue and Trivial Pursuit, the seven friends called it a day, or a night given the late hour, and it was time to finish the eventful hangout. Clue had eventually ended in Nick’s victory while Trivial Pursuit was over after the pink team had won. It consisted of Alex and Jade, who had crushed the two other teams: the yellow team with Nick and Lily as well as the green team with Chris, Matt and Lucas. It felt a bit ironic to have Matt and Lucas team up as the former had been weirdly weary of the latter, but it was quickly obvious that Lucas was a nice guy and was enjoyable to be around. Chris grew fond of him and they got along well during the game.
As Jade and Lucas were now getting ready to leave the house, the girl gasped at something she was just remembering.
“Wait, I absolutely need to keep contact with y’all! We need to exchange Instagram.”
“Babe, they have millions of followers.” Lily chuckled. “I’m sure you can find them easily.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jade nodded. “But it’s useless if they don’t know I’m the one following them.”
“Correct,” Chris agreed. “Give your user then, you too bro.” He added as he looked at Lucas. “We need to hang out again if y’all are ever close to LA or if we come back.”
“You plan on coming back here Christopher?” Alex teased. “So nice of you to not forget us.”
“Never bro, you know me.”
As Chris then hit ‘follow’ on both Jade’s and Lucas’s Instagram, he sent their profiles to his brothers so that they could do the same. Thanking the girls for welcoming them, Lucas and Jade were now leaving after saying goodbye to everyone along with a promise to catch up more with Alex and Lily on their next day off. Closing the door, Lily turned back to her guests and saw that Chris was looking at her expectedly. She raised an eyebrow at his attitude as she was not understanding his message.
“Your user”, Chris explained as if it was obvious. “Getting your friends’ and not yours would be weird.”
“Ooooh, yep. Forgot that we only stopped at phone numbers.” She replied as she unlocked her phone to show her account to the triplets.
They all followed her on her private account before Nick and Chris also added her photography account as Matt was the only one to already have it. Then, they asked Alex for her username as well and soon enough, the five friends were all following each other back on Instagram, with their actual main accounts. Nick complimented Lily on her pictures on her public account and reminded everyone with a laugh that they wouldn’t be here if not for them.
“I definitely post more on that one than the other”, she pointed out. “I guess I mostly use the ‘story’ feature on my private account to rant about life.”
“True, she barely actually posts on there but you bet she’s always active.” Alex snickered as she knew that her best friend often posted on her ‘close friends story’ about whatever was going on in her life, even if insignificant.
“I hope you don’t mind that the group account won’t follow you, but I don’t want people to find you too quickly after today’s video.” Nick warned. “Although it’s without a doubt that they’ll stalk us for more information.”
“Damn,” Alex sighed. “I hadn’t thought about that. I honestly don’t mind making my account private so at least they can’t see what we look like.”
“Good thinking,” Nick approved. “And sorry for the eventual bother.”
“Nah, don’t be.” Alex reassured him while waving it off. “Y’all are superstars, can’t complain about it. We know what we’re getting into.”
Lily nodded in agreement and they all closed the matter before going to bed as it was past midnight. The triplets were leaving the next day and although they had only briefly talked about it, no one wanted to think about the moment when they’d have to say goodbye to each other. They would still have time in the morning as the triplets’ plane was in the afternoon and Lily would drive them to the airport, but the tension was unknowingly building as no one knew when they’d next meet.
Thank you for reading. Votes and comments are always appreciated if you like this story :) The story is co-written w @/little_grapejuice on wattpad
#matt sturniolo#matt sturniolo fanfic#nick#nick sturniolo#nick stuniolo#sturniolo triplets#matt#chris sturniolo#chris#christopher sturniolo#matthew sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#nick stuniolo fanfic#fanfiction#fanfic#jealousy#matt sturniolo jealous
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CW: religious trauma, addiction.
3 escape
When I got home from the mission I was so relieved to just have control over my hour-by-hour schedule that I just fell into a routine. I remember how it felt like such a relief to just listen to music again. I remember I barely slept the first week I was back because I was just so happy it was over.
I slipped into the expectations of my family and community. I went back to church and fully participated in the lie. I pretended like my mission was as great as everyone expected it to be. Meanwhile at home I tried to tell my parents that I was abused on my mission and my mom's only response was "well, you're still glad you went, right?".
Her ego was so fragile that she chose to deny her own child's abuse rather than admit the smallest fault with her church. Honestly she probably needed to deny the church's abuse in order to continue denying her own abusive actions and maintain the fairy-tale world in her head where she never did anything wrong.
I fell into a rhythm for something like a year. I went to BYU, a college run by the mormon church, and just studied like nothing was wrong.
One day it was like I suddenly remembered "oh wait this is all bullshit and I am really hurting". I know that probably sounds crazy, but that's really how it feels. I was just starting my second semester after my return. I had a free therapist through the school and I started talking with him about my doubts. I remember that I would constantly point out problematic shit the church did in basically any group setting. Most people defended the church with generic bullshit or just kinda looked away awkwardly, but I ended up making a few friends who shared similar views.
I have so much more to say about how I left the church. It involves a wholesome professor of world religions who was the first person to ever tell me that there could be truth outside the mormon church and an absolute sweetheart of a girlfriend who was my first introduction to the queer world. I want to write more about this someday too.
Partway through that semester I just stopped going to church. I lost a lot of friends, some of whom yelled at me or broke down crying when I told them I was leaving the church. I ended up pulling back a lot socially because everyone was responding so negatively.
I tried to actually live my life, enjoy my newfound freedom. I got drunk for the first time (alone) on a bottle of Riesling. Mostly I was planning my escape. My girlfriend and I talked about running away together and honestly I really wanted to, it was the exact sort of sun-soaked romantic dream I had cherished since I was a little girl. But I started to realize that I really wanted to like... explore real relationships now that I wasn't in a cult. Plus, we had vastly different visions of what a future together would look like. I ended up breaking up with her just before the semester ended.
My entire life fit into the back of my hatchback. It was packed to the brim, including a plant sitting on my best friend's lap in the passenger seat. He had offered to drive with me to my parents' home, states away. (I don't want to say what state because I'm fucking terrified of getting doxxed but it was not the state that I grew up in. It was totally new and uncharted for me)
Adjusting to life in the real world was ROUGH. I had lost literally my entire community and I was scared to talk about my leaving the church with even my best friend, even though my choice was obvious at this point. I tried hard to make friends while I worked a shitty food service job, but people kept pulling back from me without warning and would talk behind my back about how awkward I was. Turns out being in a cult for 22 years will make you a fucking weirdo and I was too innocent to realize it. Honestly, to this day I'm pretty sure some lingering mormon culture oozes out of my pores, despite the immense effort I expended trying to cut those parts out of me. I still feel like a misfit even when I'm among fellow autistic trans people.
I went back to school at a state school using my parents' good credit to get loans. I tried to maintain a relationship with my parents (my mind was still blocking out the worst parts of their abuse) but they refused to see where I was coming from. I felt deeply alone in basically all aspects of my life. I spent some time in the psych ward after admitting I was suicidal (god, never again). I basically gave up on making friends, horrified by the thought of being humiliated again. Besides, I was 23 and a sophomore and just didn't really fit in.
School was hard and lonely. I spent most of my free time gaming. I came out to myself as trans in 2019 and started hormones that same year. The pandemic didn't change much for me because I was already so isolated. My roommate lost his job though, and we ended up losing our apartment and I had to move back in with my parents. At this point it was just awkward living with them. They tried to like... pray around me, but they knew they couldn't directly ask me to do anything. I was desperate to get out and saw graduation as my ticket to be free for good.
But I was burnt out to shit. I had decided to get a master's, it only added a year to my education and promised big gains in my pay after school. I remember I had three semesters left and I was planning my classes and I had this huge wave of exhaustion wash over me, followed by naked terror. I couldn't do it. It was too much. I was too tired. How would I keep going?
I had to keep going. I found a way to disassociate from the pain. I started experimenting with drugs and started drinking a lot more. I forced myself to work through burnout to finish school. And I did it! I graduated with a master's, found a job waaaaay out of state, and moved out again.
26 and I was finally free, for good.
I was exhilarated. I was a few years into my transition and got to start in a new place where people only knew me as a girl. I got real hypersexual for a bit. With the help of my therapist I found out I'm autistic. My job kinda sucked, but I was finally free and the drug-like rush of my freedom kept me going for about a year.
Then I crashed. The years-long autistic burnout caught up with me. I still had never taken the time and energy to shed all my trauma. I pulled back again socially. I stopped putting in any effort at work, but it was a work-from-home gig I could do just the bare minimum to keep from getting fired.
For about a year I did nothing but try to process my trauma and learn to regulate my nervous system without substances. It was gut-wrenching work.
But I was making progress. And for most of this year, I really thought I would be okay.
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Capcom's Official AA Fanclub Surveys - DGS Edition
Many Western fans may be familiar with the Turnabout 4koma comics that get posted on the official AA fanclub site that Capcom runs, thanks to some lovely fans on tumblr and elsewhere who have shared their translations. What fewer people seem to know about is the character surveys.
Back in the old days, they used to hold a survey on Capcom's official AA fansite every few months where they'd write about the seasonal activities of a handful of characters and ask fans to vote for the funniest/most pleasant/strangest/etc answer.
They stopped doing them in like... 2016? 2017? The original text is lost for good as far as I can tell. Even the wayback machine couldn't help because the content was password locked and you can't get past the password wall while remaining in the archived version.
Fortunately, I saved some of my translations of them so I thought I’d share them.
Cut for length...
"February has begun, and the DGS cast is nearing the end of their journey aboard the RFS Alacrei. Which of them acted the most strangely?"
Ryuunosuke ~ Exhausted from his intensive study session, he decided to try some katana swinging practice as a change of pace and to combat his recent lack of exercise. But because he wasn't used to handling the katana, he swung it too hard and it went flying out of his hands and got stuck in the wall right next to Sherlock, who had just entered the room. Sherlock asked him, "aren't you supposed to be studying right now, Mr. Naruhodo?" and handcuffed him to his desk.
Susato- worked on developing a curriculum for Ryuunosuke. 'If we keep going at this pace, he won't be able to learn it all in time... It'll be hard on Naruhodo-sama, but we'll have to work hard through a couple of nights together.' With that thought, she created a harsh study schedule, and almost seemed to be looking forward to it for some reason.
Sherlock- Driven by excitement over the thought of returning to England after a long absence, he went up on deck to stare at the ocean. Being February, it was very cold out there and he ended up being chilled all the way to the tips of his fingers. He returned to the ship cabins and amused himself by putting his frozen hands on Ryuunosuke, who was stuck in his room studying.
Van Zieks- Upon hearing from Vortex that there was a Japanese exchange student coming to England to study law, he smashed a Lord's Bottle. He apparently also didn't care for the fact that that Japanese student wouldn't be alone, because he proceeded to shatter his chalice, too.
Hosonaga- in order to provide a respite from studying, he provided some hot chocolate. They enjoyed a pleasant tea time, marveling over how sweet and delicious the drink was until Sherlock piped up with some unnecessary trivia: 'Actually folks, chocolate has long been used in Europe as an aphrodisiac!' Everyone promptly spat it out."
"The long winter is nearly over and spring is on it's way, putting the DGS cast members in a celebratory mood. Who found the best way of enjoying spring?"
Ryuunosuke: the Yuumei University faculty members were holding a flower viewing event, and he joined the assistance committee. He exhausted himself keeping the blankets clean so the intense shower of flower petals wouldn't pile up too high on them, delivering sake and snacks, and mediating whatever pointless fights arose. To top it all off, for some reason his compensation was only a single piece of leftover candy. Talk about a sad result!
Susato- her father and the others living in his dormitory were holding the flower viewing event, so she got up early to prepare the bentos. But her father carelessly forgot to tell her that they wanted tea cakes, so she had to go around the house and neighborhood collecting sweets. For some reason, she ended up being able to gather caramels, biscuits, candy sticks, basically everything but tea cakes, for the tea ceremony.
Sherlock- he disguised himself as a beat officer and infiltrated Scotland Yard to have some fun. There was a real beat officer napping on his feet in the spring sunshine, and while observing him, Sherlock ended up falling asleep too. Detective Gregson gave them a good scolding when he found them, but then Sherlock revealed his true identity with a "hey, it's me, folks!" "What the blazes do you think you're doing?!" Gregson shouted, his rage growing even more, and Sherlock ended up making a run for it.
Van Zieks- went to the vineyard to oversee the production of the contents of his Lord's Bottle. As he viewed the still unopened grape blossom buds, he thought about how they would someday grow up to fill his Lord's Bottle, and ended up going around to look at each one. But the farm hands couldn't stop wondering whether the bottle itself or its owner's heel might come flying at them and were quite uneasy.
Asougi: exhausted himself running around since early morning helping with the professors' flower viewing event. When it was over, he took a break, sharing his reward candy stick [the name of the candy literally translates to 1,000 year candy] with Ryuunosuke, who had also been helping out.
"I wonder if the candy's effect is halved if you share it with someone."
"That still gives us 500 years."
They laughed and enjoyed looking at the flowers until dark. Then they parted ways with a handshake and a "see you later, best friend."
(This one was something about celebrating New Years. For some reason I didn't save the original question)
"Ryuunosuke ~ To celebrate New Years, he planned to pound mochi with everyone at the office. He somehow managed to get his hands on some mochi rice and he and Sherlock started pounding. Iris was having such fun watching them that she steamed a whole bunch more mochi rice so they could have some to share, and he and Sherlock spent the whole evening pounding mochi like crazy.
Asougi~ Because it's New Years, he went around to a bunch of shrines. When he drew his new year's fortune, he got a "horrible luck" result. "I'm not worried about it," he claimed, and headed up to the mountains early on New Years morning and work hard on a full training course of purification by water, meditation under a waterfall and wooden sword practice. It seems that he was working really hard to clear his mind of all earthly thoughts
Sherlock- Agreed to help Ryuunosuke pound mochi. As Ryuunosuke was flipping the mochi over, he carelessly dropped his badge into the bowl and Sherlock mixed it in without noticing, so they had to crack open both the hard and soft mochi to look for it. Fortunately they found it in the 4th one they checked, but apparently Sherlock got his hands and face covered in sticky white mochi in the process.
Susato- Wore a furisode and went with her father to do the first shrine visit of the year. The shrine was incredibly crowded and they had to wait in line for a long time, but she brought the Encyclopaedia of British Law and a copy of the Strand Magazine in her sleeves to secretly read as they waited so she actually ended up enjoying the wait.
Van Zieks- Ryuunosuke cheerfully gave him some mochi as a New Year’s (which at that time was celebrated at the same time as the Chinese New Year) gift, which he accepted confusedly, wondering “...Can the Japanese not even keep track of when the New Year is?” Because Ryuunosuke referred to it as a rice cake, he tried to eat it like a regular cake without softening it with heat first. It was so hard that he couldn’t imagine how it could possibly be food, and ended up misunderstanding the Japanese even more!
"Autumn has arrived, and the weather is starting to cool off, which means that everyone is becoming more active. Which character chose the most pleasant autumn activity to keep busy with?"
Iris was making bread but her hands are small and it’s difficult for her to knead the dough, so she asked for Ryuunosuke’s help. She wanted to make enough to hand out to Gina and all the other homeless children in the East End, so she made a massive amount and Ryuunosuke was stuck kneading this massive mountain of bread dough all day. Apparently he became such a expert at kneading that he could be a baker now.
Asougi was practicing with his sword, slicing autumn-colored ginko leaves as they fell from the tree. He cut so many leaves, though, that he ended up making a big mess on the ground, the number of fallen leaves now having increased, and it took him a long time to clean it all up.
Sherlock: Ryuunosuke told him that he was making anpan (bread filled with sweet red bean paste, the bane of my Asian-dwelling existance) and asked Sherlock to help by being in charge of getting the poppy seeds they’d need to sprinkle on top, so Sherlock went out and gathered a ton of poppy seeds. In fact, he got so many of them that no one knew what to do with them all cuz they had a huge amount of leftovers. Sherlock said, “Well, they’re only the size of poppy seeds! Surely you two can deal with them somehow! Ahahaha!” and Iris scolded him.
(I couldn’t capture it in English, but Sherlock’s line contained a pun, and a pretty stupid one at that, so that’s part of why he got scolded)
It’s grape harvesting season, so Van Zieks commutes to the winery regularly to direct the production of the contents for his “Lord’s Bottle.” He demands perfection in everything from the selection of the grapes to the way they’re squeezed, and the winery staff is terrified by the “grim reaper’s” gaze and heel swinging (i.e. the leg thing he does in court) so they grumble as they work.
"Hearing that there’s a holiday in the West called Halloween, the people involved with the court in Japan decided to try it out themselves. Naturally Halloween is a big deal in England as well. So, which member of the DGS cast had the best celebration?"
Team Ryuunosuke and Asougi- Asougi got Naruhodo up on his shoulders and they draped a white sheet over themselves to make a ghost costume. They went out like that, but Naruhodo had such exaggerated reactions to the fear of the people who saw them and to bumping his head on tree branches that they ended up losing their balance and falling on top of each other?!
Sherlock Holmes- went wearing a horse’s head mask. Iris used her skills to make it a fancy horse covered in stars, but the eye holes weren’t well made and he had to wander around blindly. Because of that he tripped hard over a pile of coal! He ended up getting so dirty that the stars on his costume were covered up!
Van Zieks- took inspiration from his nickname and dressed up as the grim reaper. He covered himself up with a skeleton mask and hood figuring no one would know it was him. Unfortunately he got angry when he saw Megundal (McGilded) pass by and started throwing bottles and glasses and ended up giving himself away.
"November has arrived, and autumn is nearing its end. However, the DGS cast is still keeping busy, even on their days off. Which character chose the most interesting way to spend their late autumn day?"
Ryuunosuke- Thinking that he’d better learn more about British culture if he was going to be a defense attorney in Britain, he went down to the East End with Gina for a little observation. However, because an Asian like him stood out so much, he got mobbed by the other children. On top of it all, his arm band got stolen from him and he had to send a replacement request to Yumei University on the other side of the ocean.
Asougi- He went for a meal at La Quantas. The customer at a nearby table got a persimmon for dessert and scarfed it down, saying “Mm! This is it! This sweetness makes it worthy of being called a treasure among foods!” Asougi tried to comment on this by saying, “The customer at that table sure is enjoying his pershim--gak!” but he may or may not have accidentally bitten his tongue in the process and been unable to finish his sentence.
Iris- She accepted Ryuunosuke’s request to learn more about British culture and prepared a bagpipe and kilt costume for him. “This outfit sure is breezy,” Ryuunosuke said shyly upon trying it on. With Ryuunosuke now dressed, he, Iris, and the others from their office headed over to Gregson’s place to get him to treat them to some fish and chips.
Sherlock- He accepted Ryuunosuke’s request to learn more about British culture and cooked up some European style curry for dinner. Thanks to the fact that his secret ingredient was a large amount of Chinese herbal medicine style spice, it caused some strange side effects and Ryuunosuke, who’d eaten it, ended up passing out and falling over.
“Another taxing trial for Ryuunosuke has finished and now it’s December. As the year draws to a close, which character acts the strangest?”
Ryuunosuke- he was recruited to help with snow removal around Yumei University and the courthouse and he enthusiastically began his task with the help of a large shovel. He got a little carried away, though, and ended up accidentally burying his umbrella, which he’d left propped up against the side of the building, in the snow he’d just finished shoveling. He had no choice but to share Asougi’s umbrella on the way home.
Asougi- On the way home, he nods silently to Ryuunosuke’s question of whether he’d finished his travel preparations and changes the subject: “...Come to think of it, it seems that tomorrow is celebrated in the West as God’s birthday.” “I’ve heard that they eat chicken as part of the traditional celebration. Wanna try it?” Ryuunosuke asks invitingly. Asougi is strongly opposed to that particular menu item, however, and they end up going out for their usual beef stew that night instead.
Susato- in addition to her year-end travel preparations, she also was busy with straightening up the book room in her home. She managed to get the law books in order when she suddenly stumbled upon some old issues of Strand Magazine! She hurried through the rest of her cleaning, then began flipping through the magazines she’d found, trying to decide which to take with her on her trip. She accidentally lost herself in her reading and didn’t realize it until it was already the middle of the night.
Sherlock- he was in the middle of a long ship voyage when Christmas night came. His mind on his partner in a far-off country, he made a toast alone on deck, when suddenly the crew began shooting off fireworks with a cry of “Merry Christmas!” Sherlock had to dart back and forth across the deck to prevent the fireworks from hitting him and setting off the explosive chemicals he carries with him.
Main series edition
#dai gyakuten saiban#tgaa#naruhodo ryuunosuke#asougi kazuma#mikotoba susato#dgs sherlock holmes#hosonaga satoru#barok van zieks#iris watson#gina lestrade#translations#official content#my translation#mikotoba yuujin#ryunosuke naruhodo#kazuma asogi#susato mikotoba#iris wilson
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Merrill on Solas’s side: my one fear given nuance
Okay, so, I want to build off the post I made a while ago about my fear of Merrill being on Solas’s side in DA4. Because my feelings about it are mostly NO THANK YOU but also there’s some nuance and hey, I work best through my character feels out loud. So let’s talk about it. I’m gonna put most of this under a cut because oh boy it got a bit long actually.
Because the thing is...it could be good, actually. There’s a very, very specific version of this idea in my head that could be good. Why would it be good? Well. Because Dragon Age hasn’t really had any sympathetic villains yet. And I get that solas is supposed to be our sympathetic villain and if that works for you great! but for me, he wasn’t established well enough as friend before he became enemy. He’s just the weird racist guy who gave me a castle and now wants to fix his mistake by...making the exact same mistake all over again. And while he does have individual moments of banter with the DAI crew that are very fun, he doesn’t actually show up to any of the bonding scenes (wicked grace night for example) nor does he have any cut scenes that develop a particular relationship between him and say...Dorian, who’s also hanging out in the library.
But Merrill? Merrill has friends. True, proper, established friends. She’s lovable. She loved. Varric, Carver and Isabela in particular, but Bethany, Fenris, Anders, Aveline, Sebastian - they all had positive interactions with her regardless of how they viewed her magic. And she certainly cared about them.
And Merrill’s characterisation could be simplified down to ‘restoring the old ways’ and ‘protecting her people’. In Dai in particular, we hear that she has turned her attention to city elves getting caught in the templar/mage conflict crossfire - her ‘people’ are expanding from the dalish to all elves, and her cause is expanding from ‘history’ to ‘rights’. To the present. To fixing things. So, she still likes the old ways and wants to restore them, and she sees the systematic abuse elves suffer clearer than any other companion in game (apart from maybe Fenris, though Fenris makes comments rather than actionably trying to fix whats going on).
So Solas comes to Merrill, an incredibly talented mage and historian, who basically rebuilt her own eluvian from scratch, and recruits her. And Merrill goes with him because she can restore the old ways, and protect her people who’s treatment is getting steadily worse and worse (masked empire, but I also imagine by da4 we’ll see that Solas’s prophecy of ‘they’ll blame the elves’ for the dai events will be coming true - especially with them disappearing) - and perhaps the only way she can see it getting better is a complete revolution where the current order is completely overthrown (she had some role models there, after all). And she becomes your sympathetic villain because not only is she doing it for all the right reasons (not for elves long dead, but for elves now) but also because...can you imagine Varric and her seeing one another on opposite sides of a battle? His daisy who wandered into gardens she wasn’t supposed to? Or Isabela? Can you imagine the internal struggle that would play out in Merrill’s mind. She’s a keeper - it’s her job to remember. But does remembering truly equal restoring? Would she convince herself that the collapse of the veil would actually be good for everyone? Would we have scenes where she tries to beg Varric to listen to her? Where she tries to get Fenris to? Hawke? The new protagonist?
Merrill is kind. Being in that position would tear her apart, and I think it would tear her apart in incredibly interesting ways.
I also think she’d be a great final act betrayal for Solas. Because she’s clever, so clever, and I think eventually, she’d realise that what Solas was trying to do was probably going to destroy a lot of elves too, let alone humans. And I think she could be a great dagger in the back for Solas, and a great friend for us in the final part of the game if we chose to let her work with us (maybe similar to Loghain? To get her we have to lose a current companion or something?).
BUT there’s also a lot of worry. All of this, if done, would have to be done with such nuance and tact that I’m not entirely sure they can devote to a secondary character who wouldn’t be around the protagonist much. Like, it couldn’t be like Calpernia, it would have to really show an intense internal Merrill struggle to make me enjoy it and to not, ya know, massacre my favourite character in the entire franchise. Also, its impact would be very tied to how many da2 characters are going to be present. There’s literally no point in doing this if Merrill isn’t going to actually be on the opposite side to her friends, if Varric isn’t going to have an absolute break down about his Daisy, if the new protagonist isn’t going to have the perfect moment to kill her and her weapon is knocked out of her hand by Isabela.
And also...Merrill is our ‘good’ blood mage. I deeply, deeply don’t want that to change. Merrill shows a nuance to magic, shows a perspective that is alien to the chantry in a very sympathetic light. And I think it would be too easy to demonise her. Or like...have what Fenris said about her ‘justifying her need for power’ by killing innocents for their blood come true. Which, I think Merrill as our resident sympathetic blood mage needs to stay away from that - she can’t be the person to sacrifice innocents for magic because a) she cares too much and b) then we have no blood mage left in bioware cannon for us to like - we just have confirmed chantry propaganda about why they’re bad.
And also...I just don’t trust bioware to do it right. Like. I think Merrill cast as bad-guy-on-Solas’s-side would too quickly become someone obsessed with the old order, someone close to Solas. And honestly? Merrill would kick Solas’s ass if she’d been in dai. Like. Solas is incredibly disrespectful to elves! All the time! To the dalish! I couldn’t see Merrill being friends with him at all. She’d find him interesting for about 3 seconds, and then he’d go and say something racist, or something mighter-than-thou and it would totally rub her the wrong way. I think Solas would remind her so much of her Keeper and their circular arguments and the fact that she never listened to Merrill. Which again, could be an interesting dyanamic, but I’m not sure it would have room to breathe that it needed in a video game format. Merrill could reveal how Solas doesn’t actually care about elves, but only about the ghosts of the old elves, and she could do that by being on his side or ours, but the temptation in the writers room to make her Solas’s second in command in an uncomplicated way I think would be pretty high.
Idk. Like. I think it could be good. I would read a fanfiction with this premise that was Merrill centric and explored all these interesting things. But there’s just so many ways it could go horribly wrong that I just. It is my deepest fear for da4. Because I could handle them butching quite a few of the characters, but Merrill is so important to me if they did it wrong I’d be so fucking sad I’d probably struggle to play the game much.
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The Maid Café || Saiki K x Reader
summary: nendou and kaidou keep pestering saiki to visit their favourite maid café but he shuts them down every time. however, after a bit of prying they manage to convince him to give the place a try and while they are there, you just so happen to be on shift.
tw// cussing, maid café, (she/her) reader
key:
“non italicised text” = somebody besides Saiki speaking
“italicised text” = Saiki telepathically communicating
‘italised text’ = Saiki’s thought
‘Of course Nendou and Kaidou would be into maid cafés of all things — not cat cafés, not internet cafés — it just had to be maid cafés.’
Saiki’s internal monologue began as Kaidou continued gushing on about the cute lady he met at the café a few days ago as an argument to why Saiki should join them next time they go. Not to say Saiki wasn’t listening as he felt extremely sorry for whatever lady had to tolerate Kaidou’s advances and his prayer went out to her but besides that, he really couldn’t care less about the maids or the café.
Until, his attention was involuntarily aroused at the vocalisation of his name from Nendou, “Saiki’s definitely in for Friday, I’m pretty sure I sold him when I told him that the sandwiches there are almost as good as the ramen we usually get.”
‘No, you didn’t. I won’t be coming to join you on Friday. I’d much rather stay--’
Somehow Kaidou managed to cut off Saiki’s internal monologue with his annoying voice, “Don’t be silly, Nendou. You’re not going to win Saiki over with such a ridiculous comparison, one that he clearly doesn’t care about.”
‘Am I delusional? Is this a hallucination? Or did Kaidou just say something logical and based in reality?’
Kaidou’s aura immediately changed to dark and sinister as a mischievous smirk crossed his face, the background squawks of the crows suddenly became much louder for some unknown reason. “Instead, you must locate your opponent's weak point before you can recognise the crucially important moment to exploit it. The process takes patience but it is one I have learned from my many years rebelling against Dark Reunion. Now, young Nendou, watch and learn.” He finished with a dramatic flip of his school jacket which was slung over his shoulders as a cape.
‘What was all that about?’
Saiki wondered before Kaidou turned to him, much less brooding than he was a few seconds ago, and said casually, “Your loss if you don’t come, Saiki — you’ll be the one missing out on some of the best desserts in our whole town — not to mention the coffee jelly.”
✿✿✿✿✿
‘How do I always end up losing to these people? I am a psychic for god’s sake!’
Saiki mentally cursed himself out as he stood shamefully in front of the maid café, wearing a carefully curated outfit — including his germanium ring — created especially to hide his identity from anyone from his school that might pass by the café and spot him in there through the window or something. Honestly, he wouldn’t be caught dead in a maid café, or so he thought.
However, all the reviews he read along with both Nendou and Kaidou’s thoughts helped him conclude that this place’s coffee jelly and general dessert selection is nothing to sneeze at. In fact, his favourite Tumblr blog - DeadlyDesserts11037 - visited the place and gave it a 5 star review, recommending everybody who happens to pass by the town to definitely check the place out. After that, he was sold.
Saiki looked over at his friends and couldn’t help but facepalm in response to their bright red, thrilled expressions. “Good grief, please don’t tell me you are both that excited over ladies in maid outfits.” As you might’ve guessed, Saiki didn’t really understand the concept of a ‘maid café’, so he simply assumed the male obsession with maids had something to do with the objectification of women hence he obviously did not want to take part.
“Saiki, you’re seriously just built different if this doesn’t touch your soul.” They both brushed the pink-haired boy’s comment off, completely mesmerised by the sight of a particularly pretty maid-lady walking by the window — probably on her way to serve a table — carrying a notepad in one hand and a plate with a scrumptious-looking coffee jelly on top.
Saiki followed their gaze, his breath hitching at the sight. He was speechless; no sarcastic comment, no running commentary, nothing. Just..woah! If he had known that the girls that work at this place were so gorgeous and the food looked so delicious, he would’ve came a long time ago.
He wasn’t even sure which one he wanted more; the girl or the jelly. In a way, one wasn’t complete without the other because the coffee jelly which she held high next to her head brought out her (E/C) eyes while her shapely figure highlighted the defined curves of the jelly. Drool was quick to start forming at the corners of his lips but he was even quicker to wipe it away; he was starving.
“We’re going in.”
✿✿✿✿✿
To Saiki’s dismay, it was not the stunning (H/C)-haired girl who he had caught a glimpse of through the glass that ushered them to their table. Rather, it was a slightly less gorgeous maid-lady who had long, bright purple hair which was clearly a wig.
Fortunately for him, after she left Kadiou, Nendou and himself to take their seats, she rushed off saying that someone will come take their orders whenever they are ready.
Even with his psychic abilities, there wasn’t much he could think of to alter fate so the pretty coffee-jelly lady would end up serving their table, and besides that, he was way too caught up in gawking at all the mouth-watering desserts they had pictured on the menu.
Simply glancing over the menu brought a stupid grin to his face, he wanted to try every delectable treat presented in front of him. However, he knew he must exhibit restraint, which was fairly simple as he knew deep down there was only one thing on the menu that he was truly after. You guessed it — coffee jelly.
Usually, he couldn’t care less about what his friends comrades were going to order but in this case, he was tempted to try convince both Kaidou and Nendou to order something he liked so he could take a bite of whatever they were having, “What are you two going to order?”
Yet again though, he was ignored as Nendou and Kaidou were both too busy checking out other types of snacks to care about the ones on the menu.
Then, a movement out of the corner of his eyes caught his attention so his head jolted from the menu to his new target, the beautiful girl he had saw through the window earlier. Previously, she was holding a coffee jelly but now she was basically empty handed, until she approached the table and pulled out a notepad and pen, “May I take your orders?” She asked in the most calming, melodious voice Saiki had ever heard, the sounds that left her mouth were nothing short of angelic. Which made sense since her serving their table must’ve been god’s gift to Saiki for all his hard work.
Chills, Saiki got literal chills before he mused, “A coffee jelly, and two brownies for the pair of clowns.” His blood ran cold; curse his smooth sarcastic comments! Most of the time, he was able to filter himself but due to the nerves that arose while talking to you, he probably shouldn’t be surprised that he had a little slip of the tongue. But now, you probably think he is a bitch that insults people on the regular; which he is, but not usually aloud! Plus, he couldn’t even tell what you were thinking due to his germanium ring and your distant expression, awful combo!
While he was in the middle of feeling bad for himself and considering teleporting away home, a miracle happened, you burst out laughing. And somehow, your laughter was even more silvery than your voice.
Saiki had zoned-out from pure shock for a moment before coming back to reality, noticing that you had started jotting down something in your notepad, a sweet smile still lingering on your face despite the fact you had stopped laughing. “Alright, so one coffee jelly and two brownies. Anything else?” You asked, glancing back and forth between the three equally unique and strange men sitting at the table.
“That’ll be all, thank you.” Saiki telepathically communicated as he usually did, considering actually using his mouth to speak for a change so he didn’t seem weird but in all honesty, he couldn’t be bothered. In any other situation, he would’ve gotten a drink of water or perhaps hot cocoa but right now he was way too afraid of making another error in his speech to request something else.
Silently, he extended his arm to hand you the menu he was given when he entered the café, along with the ones Kaidou and Nendou were given too. His actions single-handedly shooting down your plan of leaning across the table to ‘take the menus’ but in reality it is just a subtle way of showing-off how nice your torso looked in this maid outfit, a trick you learned from your supervisor.
You nodded, closing over your notepad and making your way over to the kitchen, being sure to swing your hips just a little bit extra to impress the pink-haired megane at the table you just took an order from. You mentally cursed your stupid brain though for always crushing on guys/gals who don’t seem the least bit interested in you. In this case, the guy’s attention was divided between his star-struck friends and the desserts on the menu, rather than you which was an unusual sight in a maid café considering that most people would only come to ogle at the waitresses.
✿✿✿✿✿
“So, Saiki.” Kaidou finally landed back into reality after a large chunk of the waitresses roaming around were now in the kitchen which he didn’t have viewing access to, “What did you order us?”
‘So, he was fully aware that the waitress came to take his order, he just chose to ignore her and left me to order his food. What a child, it must be a side-effect of his eighth grade syndrome.’
Saiki couldn’t help but sigh, “I ordered you both brownies.”
Kaidou stuck out his bottom lip to form a pout as he crossed his arm over his chest like a toddler, “I hate brownies.” He muttered to himself, realising that if he wanted something done right, he’d have to do it himself.
An amused smirk tugged at Saiki’s lips but he resisted the urge to laugh, ‘I know.’ He thought, his masterplan to eat more food without looking greedy falling into place. “Oh well, more for me then.”
Suddenly, Nendou spun his head around to abruptly join the conversation, “Hey guys, did you see the hottie that was serving our table?” He inquired with starry eyes, as if he was a kid in a candy store.
Saiki nodded, ‘Obviously I did, you moron. I was the one who ordered the food for goodness’ sake!’
Kaidou shook his head, his eyes lighting up as he leaned in close to Nendou, “Nope! I was busy looking at the other girls, but tell us!”
Nendou chuckled at Kaidou’s enthusiastic reaction before glancing to the side, outstretching his arm and pointing at the waitress that was now approaching the table with the food in her hands. “There she is!”
‘Don’t point at her, you idiot!’ Saiki mentally insulted his friend but instinctively followed the guidance of the tip of his finger until his eyes landed on your shapely figure — accentuated by the nature of the maid outfit — slowly heading toward his table, holding the coffee jelly and the plate of brownies in the same graceful way you did when he saw you through the window.
The gleam of your gorgeous hair, the movement of your luscious lashes, the gentle bounce of your upper body, how your perfectly manicured nails clutched the base of the jelly glass; everything about what he was seeing made him believe that if/when he were to die, this would be his ideal first sight as he passed through the gates of heaven.
Before he knew it, you had reached the table and placed his jelly down on the table, gently nudging it towards him, “One coffee jelly for the cute boy with antennas.” You mused, making Saiki’s heart flutter in a way he was unfamiliar with. Then, you placed the brownies in front of Kaidou and Nednou who sat opposite from Saiki, “And two brownies for the clowns.”
If it wasn’t for the fact the pair of clowns were too busy leching over you in your maid outfit, they’d probably be curious as to your choice of words but luckily for both you and Saiki, they were way to entranced by your visible bra strap to care about the little nickname.
Saiki felt a light blush creep onto his face, which only got worse as you discretely sent him a playful wink before turning on your heels to stroll back to the kitchen, “If you need anything else, just give me a wave.”
All of them hummed agreement in unison until the waitress was out of sight, giving Saiki a moment to process the events that had just went down. Not only did you refer to him as ‘the cute boy with antennas’ but you also winked at him, if that wasn’t a clear sign you were interested, what was? However, Saiki still had his doubts since this was a maid café after all, perhaps you were just trained to do that with all your customers.
Luckily, the had the foresight to slip off his germanium ring to read your mind and that helped him come to the conclusion that you were either interested in him or you were just very competitive as the whole time you were serving the table your thoughts were along the lines of;
‘I’ll adjust my skirt- Ha! You looked! Try resist falling for me now, you hot lil’ megane! Your heart is mine and I know it! See, I’ll fidget with my corset too-- just make a move already, pinkie!’
Although he didn’t appreciate being called ‘pinkie’, he had no right to judge what was going on in your brain. All he could do is be thankful that you didn’t say that aloud.
✿✿✿✿✿
You sighed as you noticed the pink-haired boy and his little posy exit the establishment without so much as a goodbye, or even a wave!
It was disappointing as you had already mentally planned your future with this guy and he had the audacity to do the real life equivalent of leaving you on read. But oh well, it would be approximately a week until you developed a crush on a random customer that lasts for around 30 minutes and for the time being, you can focus on doing your job.
You glumly shuffled over to their table to gather their plates to be washed, then a piece of colourful paper attached to the empty jelly glass caught your eye. As you held up the glass to inspect it further, you realised that it was a sticky note with a message written on it in black ink and neat, cursive handwriting. It read:
‘Dearest waitress,
Thank you for the excellent service, we (myself) tipped accordingly.’
You hadn’t finished reading yet but you were curious as to what he meant by that, and apparently you service must’ve been exceptional as the writer had left a whole ¥2000 tip. That’s a huge addition to the demonia fund.
Followed by this charming little message was an extra tip for you; the writer’s phone number! Meaning that this little sticky note was something you had to protect with your life..so you shoved it in your bra for safe-keeping.
But not before taking a moment to giggle with delight at who the note was signed by,
‘Sincerely, the hot lil’ megane (aka Kusuo Saiki)’
#saiki no psi nan#kusuo saiki x reader#the disaster of psi kusuo saiki#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki k x reader#saiki x reader#saiki headcanons#saiki k headcanons#kusuo x reader#saiki kusou no psi nan#kusou saiki x reader#saiki fluff#saiki k fluff#saiki k oneshot
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Rapunzel is not responsible for Cassandra's villain arc
Hello and welcome back to "Rusty avoids studying" talks!
In my last post I talked about how I don't think Rapunzel is not responsible for Varian's villain arc. Lets move on and talk about how she is also not the one to blame (or least not only one to blame) in Cassandra's villain arc
Lets start with the show's point of view.
Just like with Varian, the show gives Cassandra a motive to hate Rapunzel but uses something that can't be held against her. With Varian it was her not coming with him to Old Corona during the storm which is understandable reason enough but she can't really be blamed for that.
With Cassandra the reason was that Gothel abandoned her as a baby and chose Rapunzel instead (she also blames Eugene for, you know, unaliving her)
Well, that's obviously something that can't be held against Rapunzel. She was a baby who was taken from her home, how can she be accused for that? And I can't see her thinking as an adult "ah yes, I definitely wanted to be kidnapped from my parents and be raised by my abusive kidnapper for eighteen years". So, yet again the show makes villains dumb by making them hate Rapunzel for something she has no control over. Rapunzel just is not allowed to make mistakes (but lets save that for another rant)
Now lets go to the real reasons why Cassandra should turn against Rapunzel
Since they met, Rapunzel and Cassandra's relationship has been twisted. Cassandra did not want to be friends with Rapunzel and instead of respecting her wishes, Rapunzel used her power as a royal to force Cassandra hang out with her, manipulated her and guilt-tripped her. When Cassandra admitted she only wanted to go to the Contest of Crowns because she could get a place in Ingvarrian army, Rapunzel should have finally understand that maybe they just weren't fit to be friends. She had right to feel hurt for that slight manipulation but then again, she basically forced Cassandra to join that competition and humiliated her in front of nobles from all seven kingdoms. She lost the moral high ground after that.
During season one, Cassandra falls more and more under Rapunzel's command. She has her own dream to become a guard but still stays in Corona even though her father is very reluctant to give her any guard assignments. At this point Cassandra is around 22-23. That's a good age to leave home and get new experiences instead of staying home with a parent who somehow still seems to see her as a child. Cassandra probably would have left if not feeling like she is somehow responsible for Rapunzel, who in turn has no responsibility of anything whatsoever, especially if it means she has to face consequences for her own actions.
Then, in season two, Rapunzel's problems come into plain sight.
In this picture Rapunzel is expressing frustration for Cassandra not wanting to talk about what happened which would be fair except that their talks have never ended well for Cassandra.
When Rapunzel says "we need to talk about this" she actually means "I want to tell you how mad I am because you are mad at me and I'm actually right and you are wrong so you should feel guilty for being mad at me." It's never "I did a wrong thing" but always "I did a wrong thing, BUT".
So yes, not surprising that Cass doesn't want to talk.
Then this grand talk about destiny.
I don't personally think that this whole Gothel thing had very much to do with Cassandra taking the Moonstone. If she and Rapunzel had a good friendship where they respected each other, I doubt it would have make much difference. They both had probably been horrified how Gothel treated Cassandra and Cass has completely right to be angry to Cap for not telling her about her mom but that's it.
However, the fact that Cassandra is Gothel's daughter probably was the last straw which broke the camel's back. And what's more, finally Cassandra had someone on her side: Zhan Tiri.
You that feeling when somebody is unpolite or treats you badly and you say something about that to your friend and they are horrified? Like perhaps you thought before that maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe they just have a bad day or you did say something wrong but your friends reaction confirms that yes, somebody actually treated you badly.
That's what happens to Cassandra.
Since Rapunzel came back everyone have been on her side: Eugene, the king and queen, everyone Cass has ever known, even her own father. Nobody has told her that "hey, the way she treats you is actually bad, she should stop". The only person who saw something else than lady-in-waiting in Cassandra was driven away by Rapunzel's jealousy and guilt-tripping.
So when Cass takes the Moonstone I don't think it had much to do with the stone itself or that vague thought about destiny or that Gothel thing. It was just because Cassandra was tired of playing a part in Rapunzel's show (quite ironic actually, considering she is literally a side character in Rapunzel's show).
The whole situation is like Rapunzel is a girl who moved to the neighborhood and adults coddle her and scold other children when they are mean to her, not being able to see how she treats her so called "friends". And then one day, Cassandra steals a main role in school play which was of course meant for Rapunzel. Everyone is shocked because they did not see what was boiling underneath.
...Okay, that went a bit sidetracked. Lets get back to the show.
In conclusion: Cassandra did not take the Moonstone because of this stupid "you stole my mom" thing. She took the Moonstone because she was angry how Rapunzel had treated her for almost two years now and finally had someone on her side.
So why I don't think Rapunzel is not responsible for Cassandra's villain arc?
Varian and Cassandra's villain arcs are often compared because they are both Rapunzel's friends turned into villains (which tells a lot about Rapunzel's friendship skills) but the biggest difference between them is that Varian is a child. Cass is an adult.
However, that doesn't mean her father should have not kept an eye on the situation.
The Captain (whose lack for name keeps frustrating me) already knew his daughter was unhappy as a maid. Nobody knows why Cassandra really become Rapunzel's lady-in-waiting (there had other girls close to her age: Faith, for example) but Cap should have thought hard if being princess' lady in-waiting was really something that made his daughter happy, especially when he knew she didn't like to work as a maid.
Then there were Frederic and Arianna.
They are Rapunzel's parents. And even though it was probably very hard for them to adjust the idea that their baby was all grown up when they first met her, they still had responsibility to watch and correct her behavior when it was inappropriate. She is the princess and the way she behaves represents the whole kingdom. Her being rude to foreign nobles means Corona is rude to foreign nobles. Etiquette can actually be important.
I won't even start to talk about Frederic because unfortunately he is abusive as well. No amount of "love" can justice locking his grown-up daughter to the tower. But Arianna, as the one parent who had more than one brain cell in her head, should have seen sooner how unhappy Cass was and how Rapunzel thought friends were made. Or, better yet, because both of them were blinded (quite understandably) because the love for their daughter, they should have given Rapunzel a governess or older lady-in-waiting. Someone who had power over her and who she had to listen to.
The fourth person to blame was of course Gothel.
She was the person who left Cass all alone (though it could be argued that she did see the guards with Cass so she didn't, you know, leave her completely on her own) and she is the person who abused and hurt Rapunzel for years. But what she also did, was to teach Rapunzel that if you really love somebody, you can tease them and walk over them and they should not say anything because that's ungrateful. She also taught her that if you don't constantly fight tooth and nail for your freedom somebody takes it away with clever manipulation.
So, because of lack of supervising in Cass' and Rapunzel's friendship three things happen:
One: Rapunzel is living her fairytale coming true. Everyone thinks she is amazing, how is that not a good thing! And because she has never had anyone to compare herself, she believes it
Two: Rapunzel still lives in this fantasy she had in the tower. And because she is a princess, people are afraid to break said fantasy and she doesn't really learn much about real life
Three: when somebody implies that they don't like Rapunzel, she gets terrified because being disliked used to mean being abandoned by the only person she had in her life. So she does everything in her power to make them like her again (see how much effort she puts just to make one grumpy shopkeeper to like her or how hard she tries to make Cass her friend even though she is clearly reluctant)
Because of these reasons I can't completely keep Rapunzel responsible for Cassandra's villain arc. She played a part, sure, but the real blame falls to people who should have supervised her and kept an eye on her. People usually develop a lot socially in their first eighteen years and the only thing she had was an abusive mother, a couple of books and a chameleon. Then she was thrusted into a life where she was loved and cherished by everyone and given power over somebody she wanted to be her friend. It's not really a miracle that ended badly.
In the end we need to address the fifth person responsible of Cassandra's downfall: Cassandra herself.
Her taking the Moonstone was just as justified as Rapunzel's, Sundrop or not. It was still an article in the foreign kingdom which got stolen, no matter who took it. But then, after taking it, Cassandra hurt several people even though she finally had a chance to leave Rapunzel completely behind and "find her own destiny" like she said. In that time she needed to face consequences.
Then again, there has been lots of talk about Moonstone corrupting people but I'm not going there now. Hope you enjoyed my rant!
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The Life That's Left To Live - Part I - Take Me Home
Series
(This part:) Fluff
Prologue | Part I
Summary series: You’re a little girl when the avengers find you. Natasha becomes kind of a mother to you. Then about 7 years later when you’re 21 you go live with the avengers again for a while, because they need your help with something. The avengers are like a family to you. Wanda is still new to the avengers and doesn’t know what happened in your past. You sleep in Wanda’s room in an extra bed and the two of you become friends. You are a quite happy, social and spontaneous girl, but there’s a sad/depressed side to you that sometimes comes to the surface.
Summary of this part: Natasha calls you with information about your brother and you go to the Avengers compound, where you meet Wanda.
Pairing: Natasha (mother figure/mentor) x Female Reader
Wanda (platonic (for now at least)) x Female Reader
Warnings for this part: -
Word count: 2.2 K
A/n: To be honest I think it turned out okay, I spent quite a while on this. Title: Take Me Home, by Chord Overstreet. The fic isn’t directly based or related to the song. The title just fits ;-). The series title is a line from Love Is War, by RUNAGROUND. I hope you enjoy it!
Source: Pinterest
Absentmindedly you listen to the person in front of you. Some annoying colleague that is going on and on about a something that you would have done wrong. They had been going on for almost ten minutes and by now, you had stopped listening. Your mind drifted off to happy memories. It was something you did quite often. By reliving old memories once in a while, they would become recent in your mind again, which made it easier to go back to them, when you were feeling low. You thought about your younger self on the back of your brother’s bike, your small arms wrapped around his waist, your head pressed against his back. It had been his birthday and he had gotten a new bike. You didn’t like bikes, but when he asked for you to ride along the neighborhood with him, you gave in. Your childhood was filled with a lot of fear, but your brother always seemed to take that away. He was in almost all of your joyful memories. He was your safe place.
Your phone chimed, snapping you back into reality. You excused yourself from the ‘conversation’ and left the room. Once you close the door, you answer your phone.
“I owe you Nat! You saved me!”
“Hey Y/n… What did I save you from?”
“Some colleague, who was being incredibly tedious.”
“Need me to kill anyone?”
“Uhm… No. But what are you calling about?”
“We got new information about your brother and we need your help with it.” You fell silent for a moment at the mention of your brother.
“Oh... What is it?”
“I’m sorry Y/n, I can’t tell you over the phone. You’ll have to come to the compound.”
“Okay… I can do that. I’ll leave tomorrow morning and be there around dinner time?”
“Perfect. See you then.”
After cooking yourself some dinner you went to your room to pack. You dug deep in your closet to find your weekend bag. It had been a while since your last trip. You don’t travel that much. To be honest, you don’t travel at all. Your daily routine leaves just enough time for your daily work-out, some me-time and occasionally a movie. Staying busy avoids overthinking stuff, or well… overthinking more specific things. It took you a while to build up a routine. Have breakfast, work out, drive to the office, do your work, pretend to listen to the gossip from your fellow colleagues during the lunch break. Not that anything about your life is very challenging, but it’s just enough to keep you satisfied and to survive. Every now and then when you have a day off, you go shopping with a friend.
You are quite the cheerful girl. You are spontaneous and kind, people get along with you. You have a few friends, but none really close. The only close friends or family you have, are Nat, Steve, Tony, Clint, Thor and Bruce and you haven’t seen them in the while.
You had to empty your entire closet, but you finally found your white weekend bag with the subtle, pastel flowers pattern. You smile at it. It had been a gift from Nat. You used to have a boring and old grey bag, so she had bought you a new one. After you throw the bag on your bed, you start to fill it with clothes. You had no idea how long you’d be gone, so you packed for five days. Once your bag was fully stuffed you zipped it closed and threw it over your shoulder, making you way back to the living room.
You throw your bag next to the counter and are just about to get yourself some coffee, when the bel rings. You grab your phone and see Natasha standing in front of your door through the camera. Natasha had bought you a doorbell with a camera, to be sure you were as safe as possible when she wasn’t there. Aware of the camera she smiled at you through it. You chuckle at the sight and walk to the door to open it for her. Moments like this remind you of how amazing Natasha is. She had the key to you appartement, but chose not to use it, so she wouldn’t unnecessarily scare you.
“Surpriseee, figured I’d pick you up myself!”
“Hey Nat, come in!”
You take her jacket and hang it on the coat rack.
“How are you doing?”
“Good, actually. Can I get you something to drink?”
“Just coffee, please.”
“Got it.”
You go back to the counter and get yourself and Nat some coffee. You open the fridge and get two pieces of the pie that is left from your graduation ceremony. With two slices of cake and the coffee you go to the living room. You hand Natasha, who has sat down on the couch, her coffee and put the cake on the side table.
“Oehh, is there something to celebrate?”
“Yup… I got a job!”
“Y/n! I am so proud of you. I knew you could do it!” Tears begin to well in Natasha’s eyes and she puts down her coffee to give you a hug. You bury you head in her neck and let out a small sniff. She knew what it meant for you to get your first real job. The small party one of your friends threw had been basic. Everyone had congratulated you, but Natasha was the only one who truly took her time to express her happiness. She was the only one who knew what it meant to you. It had been a long way, a long, long way, but you made it! You did it!
She had been there with Steve when you graduated. She had driven six hours, just because she knew what it would mean to you, having her there. It had been a surprise, she hadn’t told you she was coming, so when you saw her from the stage you had broken down in tears.
You catch up a bit, after which you both go to bed. You turn the sofa into a bed for Natasha so she can sleep on it, but before you rest your eyes, Natasha helps you fill another suitcase with clothing. She laughed at the sight of your single bag and suggested you’d pack another suitcase.
***
After six hours of sleep Natasha wakes you up. You take the time to get out of your bed, you take a shower and put on some make-up. In a pair of light skinny jeans and a lively orange tank top, that complemented you tan, you sit down at the kitchen island. Natasha had made you breakfast and after you finished it, you got in the car. The ride would take about six hours, so before hitting the road, you stopped at the supermarket to get some snacks and drinks for on the way. After three hours you had a pit-stop at the MacDonald’s to get some lunch. You ordered the food via the McDrive and ate it in the car on the parking lot. When the food was finished you hit the road again. You had switched places, meaning Natasha would finish the drive to the compound. Natasha was still sipping from her milkshake in one hand, her other hand on the wheel. You leaned against the door with you head on your arm. You closed your eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin as you dozed off.
A bump in the road woke you up.
You shot up straight. When you realized there was no danger, you leaned back into you chair, resting you head against the headrest.
“Slept well, princess?” Nat teasingly said.
“Nat!” You stumped her shoulder with your elbow. She grinned, but kept her eyes on the road. A comfortable silence fell and you closed your eyes again, not intending to sleep again though.
“No, but for real. How have you been sleeping?” You knew what she meant. She wanted to know if you still had nightmares. They would still terrorize your nights sometimes. You would wake up sweating and shaking. Wide awake you would sit in the middle of your bed at midnight, tears running down your cheeks.
“Uhm, okay, I guess. Some nights better than others.” She turned her head to look at you, giving you a sweet smile. She laid her hand on your leg, her palm up. You put your hand in hers, giving it a slight squeeze.
“Now we’re talking about sleeping, a few rooms are under renovations, so the rooms are full. You can sleep in Wanda’s room. She has an extra bed on her room.”
“Is she okay with that?”
“I think so.”
“You didn’t ask her!?”
“No, but I’m sure it won’t be a problem.”
“Nat…”
“Just kidding, I told her she would have to share her room with you.”
“And…?”
“She was fine with it.”
***
With your suitcase in your hand, your bag over your shoulder and music in your ears, you enter Wanda’s room. On the right side of the room there’s a king-sized bed with two chairs and a coffee table on the left side of the bed, next to the window that covers the entire back side of the room, providing a view of the trees and water next to the compound. On the left side of the room there is a large wardrobe, a door to the bathroom and in the corner there’s a single bed, parallel to the window. Above the bed there’s a shelf with a plant, some books and a light string. The room wasn’t very decorated, there weren’t many personal items. One wall was painted in a grey tone with a hint of purple and there was a purple bedspread, covering the lower side of Wanda’s bed. On the nightstand was a photo of Wanda, standing next to a boy with white hair. You figured it must be her brother, Natasha had told you about the twins and the tragedy. Apart from the photo and some plants, there was nothing personal in the room.
You walked to the bed you’d be sleeping in and dropped your bags on the floor. You sat down on the bed and with your feet still on the ground you let your back rest on the bed, closing your eyes as you take the time to take in the feeling of home. To be honest you feel more home at the Avengers compound then at your own appartement. After a few minutes you got up from the bed and put on some upbeat music as you start to make the bed.
Singing along to the music cheerfully, you put the duvet in its cover. With both corners of the blanket in your hands you shake the cover over the duvet. With the music in both your ears you didn’t hear someone come in, so when you feel a hand on your shoulder, you are slightly startled. You quickly stop the music and take out your AirPods. You turn around to lay your eyes on a beautiful woman with coper locks flowing over her shoulders.
“You must be Y/n.”
Wanda knew who you were, your name would regularly come up in a conversation. She didn’t know much about you other than your name. You were kind of a mystery to her. She was new to the team and hadn’t personally met you yet. One thing is clear to her, though. No one bothered to mention how gorgeous you were. With a lump in her throat, she looked into your eyes, once you had turned around to face her. The woman that was standing in front of her seemed like a nice, cheerful person. She had a beautiful smile on her face, but there was something in her eyes that showed her happiness hadn’t always been a given. She took her in, her hair up in a high pony tail with curtain bangs accentuating her face, she was wearing an orange tank top, which showed off her tanned skin, on top of light flared jeans and elegant black ankle boots. Jeez, she was beautiful.
“Guilty as charge.” You responded. “It’s my pleasure meeting you…”
Witty too. You reminded her of her brother.
“Wanda.”
“Ah Wanda! Natasha told me so much about you. Nice to finally meet you. Oh, and Natasha said I could sleep here for the time being. Is that okay with you?”
Natasha talked about her? That was a good thing… right? To be honest Wanda was rather intimidated by Natasha. Even though she had been welcomed with open arms into the group, once, you know, she had switched sides, it had been quite hard for her to adjust to the group.
“Yeah, she told me. It’s fine”
“Cool”
“Do you need help with the bed?”
“Oh no, I’m done.”
She noticed the bed was nicely made and saw your weekend bag, half under your bed.
“You can use that dresser if you want, and if you want to hang any of your clothes, you can put them in my closet.”
“Oh thanks!”
“No problem.”
“I was about to start dinner, the rest should be back in an hour.”
“I’ll make sure I’ll be there on time, I wouldn’t want to miss whatever culinary art you intend to make.” You said teasingly.
“Great, I’ll see you in an hour then
#steve x natasha#natasha x y/n#natasha x fem!reader#natasha romanoff x you#natasha x fem reader#natasha x you#natasha x reader#natasha romanoff x reader#natasha romanoff#black widow x female reader#wanda x fem!reader#black widow x you#wanda x fem reader#wanda maximoff fluff#wanda x you#wanda x reader#wanda maximoff x reader#black widow x reader#wanda maximoff#the avengers#marvel#wanda maximoff x female reader#mcu
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caught in the middle (1); m. barzal
SYNOPSIS: For the sake of your friend’s wedding with Tito, you and Mat agree to maintain the facade of still being the happy couple everyone sees you as. But the act comes with its consequences, one more taxing than the other.
WARNINGS: language.
WORD COUNT: 11.2k
A/N: I am so excited for this because it contains some of the tropes I enjoy seeing in fics, and I was dying to also put out some new content as opposed to only reposting my old writing. I wish I wrote this when I was still decent at doing the thing, but I hope that this is still an enjoyable read that makes you look forward to the next part! Title is based off Alexander 23′s Caught in the Middle which is such a good song and I really recommend. Sections in italics represent flashbacks.
PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4
“We’re getting married!”
You gasped, bringing both hands to cover the lower half of your face as your jaw dropped at the announcement. It shouldn’t be so surprising – you would’ve bet even your most prized possession that this was bound to happen at some point eventually – but knowing this was actually now a sure thing sent a thrill through you. It didn’t take long for the shock to wear off and in place of it, your expression mirrored that of your best friend’s: the wide grin, the bright eyes and of course, the giggles of sheer excitement as soon as the news sunk in. Elise was glowing and next to her, Tito embodied the idea of what the world’s proudest man would look like.
“Oh my god!” you gasped, and Elise burst into laughter, not hesitating to jump out of her seat at the same time you did so that the two of you could embrace. Among your squeals and giggles, you could faintly make out the sound of hands being clapped, then caught sight of Mat and Tito hugging. Over Elise’s shoulder and over Tito’s, you and Mat exchanged smiles and you couldn’t help the chuckle that left your mouth as soon as he winked at you. “Congratulations!” you said as soon as you broke apart, though the two of you still held hands. Immediately, your gaze fell down to her hand where a ring now rested, and you couldn’t help but wonder how you hadn’t taken notice of it earlier. “Just—when? How? Where? Who else knows?”
“We don’t have a date or venue set yet, but we wanted you and Mat to be the first to know,” Elise informed you as soon as you took your seats again.
“We have a favour to ask from both of you,” Tito supplied. As soon as he said it, you felt Mat’s hand wrap around your own and the two of you exchanged a brief look during which he squeezed your hand gently, before diverting your attentions back to the soon-to-be newlyweds.
Newlyweds. The immensity of the word sent a discrete shiver down your spine.
“I can’t imagine asking this of anyone else: I want you to be my best man,” Tito directed at Mat.
“You shouldn’t even think of asking this of anyone else,” Mat responded immediately, and the two shook hands on it. You couldn’t help but think that if they weren’t as comfortable as they were now, they’d probably hug again, do their typical pats on the back or fist bump as they usually did, but Elise’s head now rested on Tito’s shoulder and Mat’s hand was so warm, so firm atop your own.
“Be my maid of honour, please?” Elise asked. “I can’t think of anyone more suitable than you and Mat as best man and maid of honour. We’ll return the favour of course,” she added playfully.
“I’ll hold you to that,” you warned without hesitating because after all, you had no reason to – and you knew Mat would agree with you.
Although the two of you hadn’t touched on the subject yet, there was an unvoiced knowledge shared between you that eventually, this would also be you. Eventually, Mat would ask you and your heart would grow and your soul would warm, and you would say yes. Yes, yes, yes.
As you all settled down to hear a replay of how Tito popped the question and Elise accepted the ring, Mat’s thumb began caressing the back of your hand. Though the gesture wasn’t a novelty, you couldn’t help but take notice of the way your heart fluttered each time he seemed to linger more on your ring finger. It wasn’t difficult to imagine a ring wrapped around it but neither of you were in a rush: you simply waited for the right time to take your relationship to a point in which it would become a forever thing, fully confident it wasn’t a question of ‘if’ but rather, ‘when’.
*
This was anything but the right time.
You frown as you cast a glance down at the phone resting on your lap, eyes narrowing a little at the name which brought the display to life for the second time in the space of less than a minute. You click the side button twice, silencing the vibrations of it and from your side, your colleague leans in to whisper to you.
“You can take it if it’s urgent. I’ll fill you in afterwards.”
“Thanks,” you whisper back. “I think it can wait until the meeting wraps up though.”
Luke gives you a well, if you’re sure look as he leaned back in his chair and you flash him a grateful smile.
Still, it is difficult for you to settle comfortably in your seat again and much to your chagrin, you find yourself crossing and uncrossing your legs as if the call had sent some sort of signal to your entire body kickstarting jitteriness you can honestly do without. Not long after you find some comfort and energy to draw yourself back to the present, your phone buzzes again – only once this time, indicating a message.
I’m waiting for you in the lobby.
Fuck, you curse inwardly, locking the phone in frustration. As quietly as you can, you gather your notebook and work tablet then lean in towards Luke who met you halfway. “Have to run but let me know if I miss anything important.”
“At the current rate, I wouldn’t count much on it but will do anyway,” he states as quietly as he can and the two of you exchange sly, conspiratorial smiles before you excuse yourself quickly and very quietly while making a swift exit.
Internally, a string of curses follow without a break in between, and you have to physically bite down on your lip out of sheer fear one might unconsciously slip out. If anyone would be in your shoes, though, they wouldn’t blame you for it. You are the type of person to stick closely to any plans and agreements made, so the fact that he just chose to turn up so unexpectedly doesn’t sit right with you. Not anymore, that is. Besides, you had both agreed to do this after your workday ended as opposed to midday and definitely not in this place. Now, you have to brace yourself for coping with a foul mood on top of whatever else the rest of the day would throw at you.
“You’ve got a visitor,” Rachel announces quietly in a sing-song voice from behind the reception desk as you approach. She doesn’t bother masking the giddiness in her tone and you struggle to work up as genuine of a smile as you can when she nods her head towards the waiting area.
“Thanks, Rach.”
“Bet he must be so happy your redeployment to the Baltimore offices was cut short so quickly,” she coos.
“Sure is. We’re still on for tonight?” you ask quickly in an attempt to drive attention away from the subject before she can try to lead into it too far for your own comfort at the moment.
Rachel’s smile falters a little, her expression somewhat quizzical. “Don’t you want to postpone so you could spend some time with him? You only just got back yesterday, after all.”
You swallow uncomfortably before shrugging. “We’ve got plenty of time to do that. So tonight, okay? I’ll catch you later.”
“Your call. See you then, Y/N!”
You only had just a split second to brace yourself for what is ahead of you, so you draw in a breath then slowly exhale it as discreetly as you can while cutting your way across the lobby. Since agreeing to this meeting, you prepared yourself as best as you could, imagining every single scenario and devising the appropriate plan for it: from the way you presented yourself to what you said, you had a mental plan for everything including a few backups just in case. The only thing you hadn’t factored in, apparently, was how little was under your control and you hated that. Each step you take made you feel less and less prepared for what is ahead, and the thought rattles you. If you were swift enough on your feet, you could just about make a quick turn and dip into the hallway leading to the visitor restrooms. All you need is just a few more seconds. A little alone time for you to run over your lines in your head.
Except—
Mat looks up at the same time you take a step sideways, ready to bolt towards temporary safety. His eyebrows rise a little as if surprised by the sight of you, but you refuse to appear outwardly deflated by the turn of events. Instead, you square your shoulders, tip your head back a little and arch an eyebrow. You can do this. You note he is dressed casually, and his hair is pushed back underneath a black cap.
Unless there was a change in schedule, Thursdays were scrimmage days.
Your jaw clenches ever so slightly as you recall that with so much ease. Then again, you basically built up a collection of information that was practically helpful or useful to exactly no one over the course of the past few years. It’ll probably take just as much or maybe more to replace that with something different, so you try cutting yourself some slack whenever you are willing to.
“I thought we agreed on five thirty,” you state coolly, pitching your voice at just the right tone to also express surprise.
Mat pushes up from the armchair, returning whatever magazine he’d picked up back on the nearby glass table. “Sorry, I tried calling earlier this morning to ask if we can reschedule but it went straight to voicemail.”
Oh. You mentally curse yourself for not charging your phone as soon as you made it home from the airport the previous night or bothering to check the voicemail message you’d been notified of once it did begin charging earlier this morning at your desk.
“They rescheduled the viewing of the new arena for this evening, and I was in the area, so I thought I’ll drop by just in case,” Mat continues, throwing a cursory glance around the place though to you, it seemed more like a way of having a break from the eye contact. You don’t complain; you welcome that.
You open your mouth, ready to berate his poor timing but even you could admit you carry some fault here too. Only a little. You bite down lightly on the tip of your tongue, before nodding towards the seats though you didn’t wait for Mat; you sit, deciding he could make up his own mind if he wanted to follow or not.
“How was Baltimore?” he asks after a few moments of awkward silence while settling in the same armchair he previously occupied.
“Mat,” you say, hoping it comes across as more of a warning than a plea. You can’t deal with small talk and a part of you thinks that’d make the entire deal even more difficult to go through with. He presses his lips together into a thin line and you take that as your sign to continue. “Elise told me she’d like us to be at the venue a day in advance of the rehearsal dinner if we can. I’ve already arranged my leave for that, so it’s not a problem for me. I’m planning on making my way there sometime tomorrow afternoon.”
“We can go together then. I can pick you up after work.”
“There’s no need—”
“Y/N.” The sharpness of his tone catches you off guard and you can swear Mat was equally surprised by that, though only for the briefest of moments. He slides forward a little in the seat almost as if he is more than ready to leave but Mat has never been one to back down so easily and you doubt any of that changed during the course of the past three months or so. “You were the one who insisted we go through with this and I’m trying. I really am, but you’re not giving me anything to work with. So please. Let’s just put everything to the side, do what we need to do and then it’s done.”
Done. Like it is a task, like it is something you needed to cross off a to-do list, scrunch it up then trash it.
The finality of the word is so heavy that it feels as if it had managed to knock out all the air in your lungs. You and Mat were running headfirst towards a fork in the road, and deep down you knew that was truly it. If until now the two of you have been dancing around each other, playing pretend as if you were kids living in a world of fantasy, you know that eventually, you have to let light shine on the truth: whatever lay ahead, you and Mat could no longer walk the same paths. It is just a matter of admitting it not only to yourselves, but also to the people you were lying to.
Lying for, you prefer.
Defeated, you slump in your own seat a little, legs crossing and fingers tapping lightly against the back of your notebook. “Be at my place by two. I’ll have everything that I need ready the night before so we won’t need to wait around.” A pause, and then, “how’s Tito?”
Mat lifts a shoulder in a casual shrug. “Excited. Nervous. It’s the only thing he talks about in the locker, outside of it, on ice and off ice. How’s Elise?”
“Same deal with her. I never knew there were so many shades of blue before, but I’ve been proven wrong before.”
A pause follows that could easily be attributed to the group of people rushing into the building and allowing noise from the street outside to filter in while the doors were kept open, but you can tell there is more to it than that if you are to go by the shift in Mat’s expression. His expression changes and you find you can’t quite read into it or guess what could be going on through his head. You try not to focus much on the little voice inside your mind that was bothered by it but find it takes a considerable amount of effort to do so. Force of habit, you conclude.
“You don’t say,” Mat finally responds. There is a hint of accusation in his tone. Or regret. Maybe both.
Your lips press together firmly, a light frown forming on your face but chose to let that slide. Not only is the lobby of your workplace the least suitable place to have an argument about the two of you, but you find that even those short moments of seeing Mat face to face months after you called it quits appears to take a toll on you. You feel tired, worn out and willing to be the first one to back down for once.
It is cruel irony that a big red neon EXIT sign is visible from the corner of your eye.
You release a quiet, long sigh then stand up from the seat. “Well, I guess we’re done here? I do have another meeting to prepare for, so…” You trail off, already backing away a few steps.
Mat opens his mouth as if ready to say something else but promptly presses his lips together, deciding against it. He gives a swift nod of his head then stands up. It’s then you notice the two Styrofoam cups in front of him and the neon EXIT sign imprinted in your mind starts flashing temptingly at you. Mat is a step ahead. He holds out one of the cups towards you and you are ready to tell him off for it, but he cut in.
“Thought I wouldn’t drop by empty handed.” When you don’t make a move to accept it, his eyes briefly peek behind you. “Rachel’s all eyes this way, by the way,” he informs you and a brief glance over your shoulder confirms Mat hasn’t been lying.
As soon as you turn to look towards the reception desk, Rachel grins, waves quickly at you then turns back to her computer screen. Begrudgingly, you accept the cup of coffee and force a tight smile.
“See you soon,” you say by way of greeting and didn’t wait to hear a response from Mat.
It isn’t until you scan your pass to cross the security barriers and make a turn out of sight that you take a sip from the drink and almost immediately wish you didn’t. It’s your order to a T. The two of you even brought a coffee machine that would let you replicate it on days when you didn’t feel like leaving the comforts of your apartment, especially days when Mat didn’t need to get up early for practices or scrimmages or evening games. It stayed with Mat when you left and the memory left a bitter taste in your mouth, despite the gentle sweetness of the beverage.
Without thinking twice, you throw the cup in the nearest trash can.
*
As soon as your order is set on the table, you ignore the basket of fries and reach straight for your glass to take a long sip from the straw, letting out a content sigh as soon as you felt satiated enough.
“Long day,” you state in response to Rachel’s raised eyebrows but she seems to accept that by raising her own glass. You clink yours against hers, take a smaller sip then set it back down on the table. “What time do you think you’ll make it over to the hotel?”
“Well, I was thinking of trying to get there by midday on the day of the rehearsal dinner but it’s starting to look more like late afternoon. I’m…” She trails off, and you can just about pick up on her hesitation and the way her gaze shifts over to the side momentarily as if avoiding something or considering whether to continue that. You move in your seat, peeling your back away from the plush backrest to lean in a little closer.
“You’re…” you trail off, voice peaking just a little into a question in an attempt to prompt her to continue.
Rachel takes a deep breath in, shoulders visibly drooping and when she looked back at you, she did so with a look that could only reflect…shame? Embarrassment?
“Luke and I are sort of thinking of coming along together.” At the sight of your widened eyes, she quickly adds, “just as friends! We’re still working out through a few things and we’re taking it slow. As in, much, much slower than the first time around.”
“No way! That’s… Rach, that’s so good. I’m happy for you both, seriously.”
You find that you truly believed that, though it wasn’t a surprise to you. You had introduced Rachel to Luke while she visited you in Baltimore and at the time, he worked with you there also. Initially, you didn’t think much of it - you simply invited her to come along to a few after work drinks and the two kicked it off easily that night. Very easily apparently, because as the night started coming to an end, Rachel prompted you to go ahead without her. Ready to say you weren’t going to leave her own her own, you shortly found out exactly why: you watched with plenty of amusement and fascination as she and Luke climbed into a taxi together and whizzed off to his place, undoubtedly. That was pretty much their start and continuation. Her visits to Baltimore were more frequent and though you were seeing her often enough, it definitely wasn’t as much as Luke saw of her. And you were fine with that. They fit almost perfectly and it only took a few more meetings for them to label themselves as a couple.
Things began crumbling as soon as Luke had moved to the New York office just a few weeks before your own return. While he seemed fine with the idea of Rachel working in the same place, that wasn’t also her take on things.
“It’s weird,” she told you through the phone. “It just… It’s so weird. I’d be seeing him at my place or his and in the office? No thanks. That’s way too much for me, you know?”
It made sense, of course, and though you rooted for them, you didn’t want to push her into something she wasn’t comfortable with. Yet, there was a tremble to her voice, a sort of uncertainty that made you think otherwise. It wasn’t that Rachel didn’t have any feelings for him - maybe she was simply shocked to see him walk through those glass doors one morning to pick up his brand new ID and claim what would soon become his permanent desk across from yours.
“Thanks,” she tells you, pulling you back into the present. “But like I said, slow and easy does it. We’ve been talking more and that makes a huge difference.”
“For sure. If communication isn’t the backbone of a relationship, I don’t know what is,” you agree and wasn’t that ironic? You’re hardly in the position of giving any relationship advice at all or saying what is good for one and what isn’t. Not anymore. Not when your own had fallen apart.
Rachel grins. “You’d know. You and Mat have been together for… how long now?”
You should’ve seen it coming a mile away. You swallow uncomfortably, take another sip of your drink and take a few fries just to buy yourself a little more time. “Maybe four years? Don’t really keep track of that anymore,” you said as casually as you could muster, lifting your shoulders in a shrug.
“I think I’d stop doing that eventually too at the rate you two are going. Honestly, I would’ve bet anything you would’ve been the first to tie the knot. Actually, thinking about it,” she says, clicking her fingers in recollection, “Elise said the same thing to me the other day when we caught up on the phone. She went—“
You don’t really register her words. There is a low ringing in your ears and an uncomfortable draft sweeps in the locale as the entrance door somewhere behind you is being kept open, no doubt a large group making their way in; it sends shivers down your body, but really, you are pretty sure you can’t only attribute them to a brief gust of wind. After all, your sweater is keeping you sufficiently cosy and warm. In front of you, Rachel continues praising your relationship with Mat, talking about how anyone took a look at you both and would say, whatever they have going, I want it too and you are trying so, so hard to block out as much as you can of it. You can stop her, of course; distract her with whatever random topic and you know she’d go with it but your jaw is locked in place, teeth clenched uncomfortably. You blame that and the way your nails dig into the palms of your hands on the sting behind your eyes and the sudden heaviness weighting down on your chest.
It isn’t so much the pain of your relationship ending that was rendering you in a state of daze, but the shame of what you and Mat agreed to do: pretend the two of you were still the happy couple Elise, Tito and everyone else thought of you as just to not spoil whatever luck they thought you’d be passing on to them by being their main witnesses. And then, once the event passes and they would return to New York from the honeymoon you and Mat would soon gift to them on their wedding day, you’d tell them the truth. Or part of it anyway. Definitely no mentions that the two of you were childish enough to play pretend; just a simple, clean break timed just perfectly with your request to be permanently redeployed elsewhere. Preferably, as far from New York City as possible so that you no longer have to walk the streets you once both did or yearn to once again visit that perfect pie place the two of you once dubbed your own.
“We’re not together anymore.”
The words stumble out of your mouth in a desperate now or never manner. Despite the anxiousness that came with the act, you find relief in it also. It feels freeing to be able to admit the truth to someone that isn’t only yourself though perhaps you should’ve thought of this more carefully: the idea of now needing to come fully clean to Rachel is somewhat daunting, mostly because of what she might say in response to the front you and Mat are trying to uphold. But for the first time in what feels like too long, you no longer feel like a fraud; like a person lying to everyone around them.
“Wait.” Rachel frowns, and it was obvious she doesn’t quite know what to do with that information or how to best process it. Her head tilts a little, palm idly rubbing against the side of her neck so you take the initiative to come across as unbothered by this as possible by leaning into the seat, legs crossing as you fiddled with the drink’s straw. “What? I’m confused. Didn’t Mat just drop by earlier? You two seemed okay. He was…fine when he came in. We didn’t talk much, sure, but he was all smiley and just…normal.”
You laugh quietly and shortly. “It’s been a while now. Maybe two or three weeks before I left for Baltimore, I think. It’d be pretty worrying if he was still hung up about it. After all, we both agreed on it. And this,” you add, a little more disheartened and embarrassed. “This…thing we’re doing. We promised Tito and Elise we’ll be there for them on their big day and we will. But they had this… I guess, idea of us being an ideal couple. Whatever that is,” you continue more quietly and with a roll of your eyes. “He wanted to tell Tito, but I didn’t want to spoil Elise’s day, you know? So he agreed. Took some convincing because it feels so… Gosh, it sounds so stupid, doesn’t it? Pretending we’re still together just to spread some fake cheer around.”
“Oh, honey…” Rachel whispers and you read the sympathy in her voice. Not that she makes it particularly difficult to take note of. “But… I thought everything was okay. Actually, way more than okay. Perfect, even. What…uh—“ She trailed off awkwardly, but you could easily fill in that gap.
What happened?
You bring the beverage to your mouth, this time drinking from the glass directly as opposed to using the straw. The mixer stings your throat this time around but the small ice cube you take into your mouth numbs it away pretty quickly. Slowly, you chew it to small pieces and speak only when you finish it.
“I thought long and hard about this the first few weeks after we called it quits,” you admit. “We always talked about what bothered us or if there was something on our mind, but at one point we just… We stopped wanting to compromise. When I was put forward for Baltimore, it was going to be a permanent thing. Mat was happy, sure, but I could tell he wasn’t being entirely honest with me, you know? When I called him out on it, he asked me well what about us? And I said we’d be fine. Baltimore isn’t a different continent. It’s not even a different timezone. He could come over when he had free time and if he didn’t, I’d always spend weekends in New York anyway. It’s Baltimore, Rach. Not fucking San Francisco or whatever. Eventually, he told me exactly what was on his mind: he couldn’t do long distance. Not even for a short period of time while I figured out if Baltimore is really what I wanted. Isn’t it a bit hypocritical, though?” You question, but it’s clear Rachel feels a bit awkward about giving her take on it right now, so you make it easier for her by responding to your own question. “I felt lonely too when he was on the road. I was worried he’d find someone different, someone much better while away. He never gave me a reason to doubt him, but a small part of me still thought what if. This happened right before he was on the road again, actually. We didn’t call, barely even texted those weeks and then when he returned, we decided it’d be best to break up. Didn’t take us a long discussion to get to that conclusion because at that point, it just… I don’t know. It felt like we didn’t have much to say to each other.”
Rachel presses her lips together, the frown still on her face and hesitantly, she asks, “who said it first?”
“I did,” you respond without hesitating. “He wanted a break while we work it all out but come on, Rach, a break? Look me in the eyes and tell me people really believe in breaks and they come back to each other as if nothing happened.”
“I mean…” she trails off, pointing at herself by way of explanation. “Look at me and Luke, I guess.”
You shake your head. “Nope. Not the same thing, trust me. This was for the best, Rach. It’s much neater to call it quits. That way, neither of us will feel obliged to hold back if life puts something different ahead of us.” You pause for a moment, teeth biting into your lower lip. “They said they’ll always have me back there if I decide on it, so who knows. Once I wrap up the project their called me back for, I might just take them up on it. Not quite a promotion, but it’ll be a good sidestep and maybe a change of scenery is what I need.”
“And do you think it’s good? What the two of you are doing right now?” Rachel questions, not at all deterred by your weak attempt at trying to divert conversation to a more work related topic. “And I don’t mean it just for Elise and Tito’s wedding, but for you and Mat generally speaking. I mean… the two of you have been together for a pretty long time. Doesn’t it… Isn’t it odd?”
“It’s not normal, that’s for sure,” you confirm. “But it’d be weirder for everyone if we were to tell them we’re no longer together given we’ve been asked to do what we need to do. Rach, promise me this stays between us, okay? Promise. I know how it sounds, I know how it’ll look but trust me on this, okay?”
She fixes you with a sceptical stare, a look that holds yet more questions than certainty but eventually, she nods her head and relief washes over you at the gesture. “I’m sorry it happened, Y/N,” she offers, voice warm and sympathetic as she places a hand on the table palm up. “And I’m sorry you went through it alone.”
You smile softly and reach for it, returning the squeeze she gives you. There is comfort in the gesture, comfort in her words and you find yourself rooting for it, so grateful to have received it. “The worst part is over, but thank you, Rachel. “It means a lot.”
“Feel like carpooling with Luke and I?”
“I’m good,” you assure as you both relax back into your seats. “Elise wants us there the day before the rehearsal. I guess just to have some familiar faces around that aren’t just wedding planners, so Mat and I agreed to go together tomorrow. Promise I won’t lose my shit if our song plays on the radio,” you add jokingly and find yourself laughing along with Rachel.
“What song’s that?”
Too many, you think, although one in particular stands out to you. “Brett Young’s In Case You Didn’t Know.”
*
A tray containing an assortment of dishes is set on the table and shortly after, an ice cold pitch of sangria accompanies that. Eager to cool down, you reach for one of the empty glasses to pour yourself a drink but Mat’s quicker. He takes them both, filling your glass first before his own. You laugh to yourself and Mat grins at that, briefly looking towards you as he fills his glass. You’re about to take a sip, eager to both quench your thirst and cool down but Mat takes the initiative of initiating a toast by raising his glass a little, elbow resting on the table.
“What’re we toasting for tonight?” You ask, imitating his pose by leaning forward a little. “To our first holiday together? To how perfect the weather’s been so far? To how I mastered paddle boarding way before you did?”
Mat laughs, lowering his head as he did so but when he looked back up at you, he clinked his glass against yours and held it there. “To all of that. To one of the many, many holidays we’ll have together. To this moment right here, to us, to you.” He pauses and the strobe lights of the bar switch from dark blue to hot pink, and the way Mat stares at you in this moment makes your heart race inexplicably. “To how much I love you.”
He takes your breath away. Draws it right out of your lungs and you feel heady. It’s the first summer with Mat, the first I love you from him and it suddenly feels as if this bar is too small for the both of you. You love him, and he loves you too and the only thing you could imagine doing is jumping in his arms but there’s a table between you and sangria topped wine glasses in your hands, and he’s wearing a pristine white shirt that looks incredible against his tanned skinned and there’s a lot of people around (the majority significantly older than both your age and Mat’s combined) so you simply grin and carefully lean forward more, pressing a kiss to his mouth.
“I love you,” you murmur against his lips and even if your voice is low compared to the loud, cheesy country music blasting through hidden stereos, you know Mat catches on to that.
“I love you,” he says right back and before you pull away, he bumps his nose against yours gently, making you giggle.
You both take a sip of your drinks and you smack your lips together, content with the turn of the night.
You and Mat had been dating for a few months, but this was the first time the two of you will spend back to back nights and days together without needing to rush somewhere. Of course, a part of you was anxious about it - while it was easy to spend a few hours together now and then, maybe even the odd night together, it was entirely different being together pretty much all the time. There were habits and quirks you each had that might get in the way, but your worries were soon put to rest. You and Mat had wonderful chemistry together, easily able to spend your time together but also still enjoy each other’s company while doing separate activities. You didn’t want to rush into things and you made no move to do so, but it was ever so easy to imagine what living with Mat would be like. And sure, you were well aware of the fact that it wouldn’t always be sunshine and rainbows; the two of you would eventually transition out of this honeymoon-type period of your relationship, but something told you life would Mat would never bore you. It’d never make you wish for anything different.
“Give me a second,” Mat says and before you could ask him what he meant, he’s out of his seat and you follow him across the bar, a little confused.
He makes his way past the bar, past the pool tables and stops in front of what is undoubtedly a jukebox. Curious, you arch an eyebrow and watch as he fiddles with finding the right amount of change before inserting the coins in the slot. It takes him a while before he finds whatever song it is he wants and it takes enough time for him to make it back to your table before the jukebox and sound system registers the request. You don’t recognise the first few notes at all, much less the accompanying guitar strings but you don’t have time to search your memory for a title.
Mat stops by your side, holding a hand out to you. “Dance with me.” It’s more statement than question and under any circumstances, you may have felt a little awkward about doing this, but it’s the heat of the moment and your giddiness that pushes you to your feet, hand in Mat’s.
The two of you are beaten to an emptier area in the establishment by two other much older couples that were closer to it anyway, and you find that gives you a bit more of a boost also. Mat pulls you to him, wrapping one arm around your waist while holding on to your free hand while you hold on to his shoulder with the other. Your fingers lightly clench and unclench the soft material of his shirt, lowering your head a little and you smile against the back of your hand. It’s so painfully cheesy and there’s nowhere near enough other people dancing along to the song but you love it much more than you thought you ever would.
“Know what I’d invest all my money into?” He asks you suddenly.
You pull back a little, still swaying along with the song. “Cryptocurrency seems like a safe bet right now.”
Mat laughs, that big hearty laugh of his that makes your smile wider and when it passes, he presses a chaste kiss on your forehead. “Well, I’m glad one of us has a good head on their shoulders, but no.” He shakes his head, then laughs again, shorter and quieter as if recalling your response. “A time machine. I want to stop time right here and right now so that we can be as we are for a little while longer.”
“Cheesy,” you joke, despite the warmth coursing across your entire body and the jelly-like feeling forming in your knees. “But perfectly understandable.”
“Eventually, we wouldn’t need it, but it’d be nice to have one for tonight.”
“Eventually? How so?” You question, then narrow your eyes a little, the gesture playful. “You plan on getting bored of me and breaking up?”
“What!” He exclaims and pulls you in just that much closer. He lets go of your hand only so he could bring his to your chin, tipping your head back a little. “Never,” kiss, “say that,” kiss, “again.” The final kiss you share with him is a little longer and you take the liberty of bringing your hand to his chest, palm pressing against it to feel the thump of his heart against his ribcage momentarily. Then, slowly, you graze the tips of your nails along his exposed collarbone and peck his lips once more before pulling away. It’s then that the song’s name and artist comes to your mind, almost as an afterthought. From hidden speakers, Brett Young declares I couldn’t live life without you and Mat gives you a pointed stare. “Damn, he said it before I could.”
“It’s the thought that counts,” you assure him. “Either way, I think I prefer hearing it from you, Barzal.”
“I’m pretty sure I couldn’t live without you,” he recites and wraps his arms around you, pulling you into a hug. He sways you both in a more exaggerated manner that makes you cling to him more out of habit than necessity. You’ve known you’d trust Mat with anything, but each day, he seems to do something that makes that thought solidify more and more in your mind. The comfort and safety that brings wraps around you like a warm blanket.
Be it the hot weather, the somewhat stifling interior of the bar, the sips of sangria on an empty stomach, the euphoria of the moment or all things combined, you nod quickly. And from somewhere in the depths of your mind, the very bottom of your heart, you respond with, “I can get used to this day after day. So don’t let me go, baby.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he whispers, tone full of care and love and warmth. He gives you his promise without hesitation and you know it’s bound to stick.
*
Your phone buzzes once.
I’m downstairs. Need help with your bags?
You push up from the comfort of your couch and make one last round of your apartment to make sure you had everything you definitely needed from where it was placed.
I’m good. Will be down in a minute, you text back but don’t pocket your phone right away. Instead, you stare at the screen for a little while longer, half tempted to scroll through the thread of messages. They’d provide a stark timeline of when things started going wrong and you would probably be able to see exactly how things changed between the two of you from the moment you suggested a mere break wouldn’t do it. But doing that would be like breaking a streak you had going for sufficient time to earn a pat on your back. The journey of getting to a point where you were sufficiently okay with being in Mat’s presence without any other company was a long one and the last thing you needed was to recall how it once was.
You and Mat started out as friends after Elise introduced the two of you just a short while before he started his professional career with the Islanders. She talked about how the two of them met in school and how great of a guy he was; real down to earth, funny and incredibly ambitious - traits she also assigned to you, and therefore thought the two of you would get along great. She wasn’t wrong about it. You knew a little about hockey, going to games every now and then mostly whenever Elise dragged you along but you found that Mat made the game more enjoyable. He explained it to you in a manner that didn’t make you feel belittled or as if it should be something you already knew of, and didn’t mind explaining some things more than once. On the other hand, you introduced him to your own hobbies and the little world you created for yourself in a city as big and busy as New York. You showed him the more lowkey but homely establishments, including your favourite pizza place that - unbeknown to you at the time - would become yours and his, and even took him to a few student bars where you regularly beat him at pool while he showed off at darts. Occasionally, it felt weird to watch him unwind in such…normal places and ways while on other days, he shone on ice and was easily one of the best rookies emerging from one of the country’s most well known sports leagues. Yet despite that, you found that athlete Mat wasn’t all that different from Mat the person.
He never put a front and his genuine manner was refreshing to you, particularly during a time when you were still a college student and a good portion of the guys around were textbook frat boys. Being around Mat was comfortable and safe. You didn’t feel the need to speak a certain way or be a different person, and retrospectively, the way you felt towards him developed almost organically. You felt yourself gravitating towards him and were pleasantly surprised by the moments when he’d seek you out first. A day off here and a day off there until eventually, you found yourself spending much of your free time with him and vice-versa.
Falling in love with Mat was easy. Being without Mat was difficult. But, thankfully, not impossible apparently.
Convinced you packed everything you needed, made your way out with a duffle bag on your shoulder and a suitcase at your heels.
True to his word, Mat was parked in front of your place and as soon as you pushed open the building’s door, he looked up from his phone and made his way over to you. The last thing you needed was to make the journey any more awkward or difficult for the both of you, so you didn’t argue when he took the bags from you to stow them away in the trunk.
“Are you going across the country?” You ask, peeking into the trunk while he plays Tetris with the bags.
“What?” He questions, evidently distracted by the task at hand but straightens up when you delicately place a hand on his arm, pushing him to the side a little.
“You’d think you’re going across the country for like, two or three weeks rather than a couple of days,” you repeat. “Maybe put that smaller bag sideways? That might let the bigger suitcase fit.”
He follows your guidance and sure enough, that does the trick: the suitcases fit perfectly in the trunk and you grin to yourself, triumphant.
Mat steps back, closing the trunk and brushes his hands together. “Thanks,” he says and you nod, heading towards your seat in the front. He follows you inside just as you click in your seatbelt. “I don’t think it’ll take us more than two or three hours to get there if traffic’s as good as it was when I checked it a little while earlier. Got everything?”
“Everything important that is. Everything else, I’ll just worry about and pull my hair out when we get there,” you tell him and you can’t help feeling proud for being able to keep conversation light and as normal as you can.
After all, you’ve known life before Mat and you’re rediscovering it after him too.
Mat laughs ever so quiet, and from the corner of your eye, you catch him brushing his hand across his mouth though he’s a few seconds too slow in trying to mask his smile.
“I think I’ll need to fill up soon, but let me know if there’s anywhere else you want to stop along the way,” he tells you while pulling out of the parking spot.
You nod even if he probably might not see it and take the liberty to scroll through radio stations. Mat doesn’t seem to be against it, so you continue switching to them until, a little frustrating that nothing seems to work for you, you connect your phone to the car and play one of your playlists. A mix of upbeat pop and an assortment of viral tracks fill in the silence for a while, and the act of singing along in your head takes your mind away from how it almost feels as if you’re sitting on needles. It takes a conscious effort on your behalf to remind yourself to loosen your shoulders and stop fiddling too much with your hands, and you’re glad Mat seems to be plenty preoccupied with driving. Once upon a time, he would’ve immediately picked up on even the most mild of your discomforts and tried to do anything he could to alleviate them. You don’t know how much, if at all, Mat changed during the time you spent apart but you want to think that you no longer wear your heart on your sleeve as much and your emotions are much more guarded, especially in his presence.
Apparently, though, there’s only so much he can take with silence filled in by music because once he’s off busier streets, he leans in his seat more comfortably and you can tell he very briefly turns his head towards you. “Think they’ll like their wedding gift?”
You direct your gaze away from the flashing scenery outside to Mat. “Absolutely. Who wouldn’t like it? Trust me when I say Bali’s been a place Elise always wanted to visit and I can’t think of a better time than now,” you assure him.
“If they don’t, it’s on you,” he says and it takes you a beat longer to realise he’s just joking so you huff out a laugh, relaxing back in the seat.
“If they don’t, they can give one of the tickets to me and I’ll happily go there.” You cast a glare out at the scenery ahead, eyes narrowing upwards towards the overcast sky. “I don’t think summer will ever come at this rate. I’m starting to hate it here.”
“Doubt Baltimore was any better,” Mat points out.
“Hardly,” you sigh. “Maybe I’ll ask them to send me to Miami instead. That’d be much better.”
Mat clears his throat quickly, shifting a little. “So, are you planning on going back to Baltimore or... Why are you back?” You catch sight of the frown forming on his face, and he quickly shakes his head as if trying to rid the hint of accusation from his voice. “That sounded wrong, sorry. But just genuinely curious. I thought a permanent move was on the table?”
“It was. Still is, but they needed me back here to wrap up a project. It was a pretty bad move on their behalf to send me there before we had that wrapped up nice and neat, bow and all, but I guess…” You trail off, shrugging a shoulder. “Guess we’ll see what’s next after that. They do want me back there, though. It just depends how long it takes for things here to fall into place.”
“Fair enough.” Another pause, another moment for him to press his lips together in silent deliberation. He did that often, and you wonder if that remains a habit still. “Was it a promotion? I forgot, sorry.”
“All good,” you assure, brushing off the apology. “Not a promotion per se, but a sidestep with just a slightly bigger paycheck. The office there is a bit smaller than the New York one so maybe there’s a higher chance of getting promoted sooner, but I don’t want to jump the gun on that yet. How did things work out for you guys this season?”
The Islanders had a good season, making the playoffs but fell just short of making the semi-finals, you knew that. After all, you hadn’t removed the Islanders game and news alerts from your phone and you put that on your laziness. You wouldn’t shy away from admitting to him you still followed the team’s progression, but you preferred not to.
“Could’ve been better but there’s lots to learn from it,” Mat tells you and there’s a trace of excitement and determination in his voice. “Next season will be even better, I guarantee.”
It’s a staple Mat response, one he always gave if he felt a game didn’t end in their favour or he didn’t do as much as he thought he should have. Sometimes, it took him some time to accept it. Usually, it came to him after pushing himself in training, after going that extra step in the gym, after re-watching highlights or coach videos and always - always, you’d assure him that it takes a team to move forward, not a single person. Always, he’d kiss you and tell you he loves you and always, you’d spend those moments wrapped up in each other’s arms, more often than not with Mat’s head resting against your chest and your leg slung around his hip.
“Plenty of time to lift that cup, Barzal,” you assure him. “Sure, the sooner the better but there’s always a right time for everything.”
“I hope so,” he agrees pensively, and lingers on that thought.
You let him to it, directing your attention back to the view outside and only now and then picking up your phone either to switch songs or browse through a few applications. A part of you feels almost obliged to try and push for conversation but you avoid doing so. The last thing you need is to make it painfully awkward for the two of you and you figure Mat could always do that himself if he feels like it. So, you let your mind wander to better things - to the upcoming rehearsal and the wedding itself, to how good Elise will look and how Tito will be so proud to watch her walk the aisle towards him. You imagine their reaction to the gift you and Mat contributed towards and smiled to yourself, knowing it was a perfect pick for them both.
You don’t think about telling Elise you and Mat had lied to them. You don’t think about passing this hurdle - the final one before you two will become strangers to one another. You don’t think about how the next time you might both see each other again, you’ll both have such different lives that for a brief moment, the surprise of it will knock the air out of your lungs before you remember: that’s him without me, and this is me without him. And you won’t be the first or the last people to break up, but a part of you is certain what the two of you had was unique and could’ve been grand. So much grander.
You become more alert to your surroundings when he starts slowing the car and you notice you’re pulling up into a gas station. As much as space allows you, you stretch out a little and Mat stops right by one of the pumps.
“Want something for the road?” You ask him, unplugging your phone and taking your card from your bag.
“Hold on, I’ll come with you,” Mat tells you and it doesn’t take long for the refill to happen before you both walk into the station’s store, beelining for the snack aisles even if you have only two hours or so until you reach your destination.
“Oh gosh, those are going to be a nightmare to clean up if you spill any in the car,” you groan quietly as he browses through the variety of Nerds flavours.
“But they’re so good though,” he shoots back and flashes a smile that is nothing short of sly when he picks up two boxes instead of one.
“Yeah, until the flavour runs out literally two seconds after you put them in your mouth. I mean, enjoy that but I’m different,” you boast and pick up a bag of sour candy.
“You just like obliterating your taste buds.”
He’s not wrong. Sour candy and spicy foods are your guilty pleasures, and have been for the longest time. You don’t try to look into how easily he recalls that because, you tell yourself, there’s nothing to look into. It’s a mere fact that anyone who knows you would easily recite.
“You’re wrong and you know it, but admitting that is difficult so it’s fine, Barzal. No hard feelings,” you throw back, snickering as you head over to the fridges for a bottle of cold water. Instinctively, you grab another for him and instinctively, he takes your candy and the water to pay for them but you still tag along with him in the queue.
“No shot. I like some spice but to the point where I literally can’t taste anything else? Hey, remember that one time when you made something… Can’t remember what it was but it was so…” He purses his lips and you laugh because yes, yes you remember it so clearly.
“So good you ended up crying over it?” You offer.
“More like, I wasn’t crying but it was so fucking spicy, Y/N, holy.”
“You survived though, didn’t you?”
“I only did because there isn’t a thing you do I don’t like,” he says and then, seems to catch himself but a second too late. “Didn’t like,” he corrects quietly but the damage is done.
You swallow uncomfortably, directing your gaze away from him but don’t hesitate to nod towards the outside. “I’ll head over to the car. I’ll text Elise to tell her we’re close.”
“Y/N—“
But you’re already taking steps towards the exit and out of ear shot, making a beeline for the car. Your heart thumps rapidly and uncomfortable in your chest and find that pressing a palm to your left side doesn’t make it any better. You know it’s an innocent mistake and there are some habits that die hard, but the way he phrased it triggered your fight or flight instinct instantaneously and despite yourself, you leaned towards the latter. You enter the car and take the time to compose yourself as much as you could. The last thing you need is to have a conversation with Mat about this because you didn’t want to have it - it shouldn’t happen for the sake of avoiding making the situation even more uncomfortable. It was an innocent slip up, no doubt, and you should’ve braced yourself to speak of Mat in present tense as opposed to past tense in the presence of others but it comes to you harder than imagined.
It’s odd how you both once knew so much about each other, everything even, and now the two of you are reduced to dancing around all that and making conscious efforts to keep your conversations as short and banal as possible.
You try and busy yourself with formulating a message to Ellie, one that’s long enough to try and make you seem as busy as possible by the time Mat returns to the car, but every line you wrote, every mini paragraph going into dull details about the trip and where you guys currently are seemed like an overthrow. So, you delete that also and simply text her an OTW just as Mat sets the sweets on the centre console and the bottles in the cup holders.
He doesn’t start the engine immediately and your mood quickly switches to frustration. Sure, you hadn’t handled it in the best way possible but trying to have a conversation about it wouldn’t make it any better. Or at least, it’s just something you didn’t want to have to think about for the remainder of the journey.
But he does just that, because that is what Mat always did: he talked with you.
“I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable,” he begins, “I didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did. It’s force of habit more than anything else.”
“It’s whatever, Mat, so just move past it. I did, simple as that,” you tell him neutrally.
There’s something in that response he must have not liked because you pick up on his small huff and shortly after, the car starts and you’re both on the road again. This time, with silence between you and an atmosphere so heavy it makes you wish you weren’t speeding down an Interstate just so you could open the window and let some of the air in.
-
The hotel the wedding will be held at lies in front of you, sprawling and secluded and perfect for an event like this. Tito is already at the entrance and when he spots Mat’s car, he waves quickly while Mat quickly flashes the headlights before pulling into an available parking spot.
“There they are!” Tito says by way of greeting and you walk right into his outstretched arms, hugging him. “Can’t believe so much time passed since we last saw each other. What is it, two months? Three?”
“Three,” you confirm once you pull away so that Mat could hug him also. “It’s good to see you too. Where’s Elise?”
“She wanted to check on some small details and said she’ll meet up with you guys in a bit. So here I am, the welcoming committee,” Tito explained and when he and Mat stepped apart, he reached out to give you another short hug which you accepted. “So how was Baltimore? Don’t suppose you liked it all that much if you’re back so soon. This guy was happy about it,” Tito adds, nodding his head towards Mat who was already busy emptying the trunk.
You press your lips together, displaying a small smile. “Baltimore wasn’t too bad but they missed me here, apparently. Can’t complete a damn thing without my two cents so here I am for now.”
Tito frowns, but the expression is very brief. “For now? We’ll need to talk more about that later so Barzy doesn’t mope around as much as he did back then.”
You throw a quick glance towards Mat but he’s looking away towards whatever interesting spot on the ground he found, pointedly ignoring you. “I’ll have a word with him about it later,” you tell Tito lightly and together, the three of you make your way inside, towards the reception.
“I think Elise is in the room at the end of the corridor if you want to say hi,” Tito informs you and you jump at the opportunity.
You follow the corridor, making a right turn and continuing along the dimly lit hallway leading to what the signs informed you to be Conference Room 1. The door is slightly ajar and you begin picking up on the buzz of activity coming from within and soon enough, you’re face to face with a spacey room boasting an array of flowers and various arrangements tastefully decorating tables and drooping down from the ceiling. No doubt, the effect will be lovely during the night when colourful neon lights can be turned on. You spot Elise easily: she’s in the midst of the room with what is undoubtedly the scrapbook of ideas she’d been carefully putting together since Tito asked her to marry him. Outwardly, she’s all smiles and laughter but you can imagine the amount of effort and planning putting all of this together and working with planners takes.
When she spots you, she squeals in excitement, sets her book down and dashes across the room to engulf you in a hug, making you stumble a few steps back.
You burst into laughter and wrap your arms around her, squeezing her with just enough force to try and communicate how much you missed her but not so that it was uncomfortable.
“I missed you! You’re here!” She exclaims, stepping back to look at you in disbelief then hugging you again. “Oh my gosh, I’m so happy you’re here! Where’s Mat? Is he here too?”
“Of course he is,” you assure her with a laugh. “I missed you too.” You throw a curious glance towards the room over her shoulder, nodding your head towards it. “How’s it going? Need me to take over for a bit?”
“Maybe later. Definitely later. Come on.” She wraps an arm around yours and leads the way out of the room, undoubtedly back to the reception area where you left Mat and Tito. “Please tell me Baltimore is off the table. FaceTime is fine, sure, but it’s not great, you know? I need the real deal next to me. Besides, I’m not sure if you heard, but Mat wasn’t Mat without you.”
“So I heard, but forget about us!” You said in a desperate attempt to try and steer attention away from the subject. “Tell me about how everything’s going. Are you still nervous about it? Because trust me, Elise - you have absolutely nothing to be nervous of. What I’ve heard of so far and what I’ve seen will make it the absolute best day, surely.”
“Of course I’m nervous,” she tells you and to demonstrate, she holds her free hand in front of you and sure enough, there’s just a slight tremble to it. “Please lend me some of those nerves of steel of yours, Y/N, I’d do anything to have even a small percentage of them right now.”
“Pft, as if. Those are all show, trust me.”
“I’ll take even that. Oh, Mat!” She greets as soon as the two of you reach the reception area and Elise spots Mat.
Much like you and Tito, they hug and when she steps back, she immediately stands next to Tito who doesn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. They exchange a quick kiss and you smile at the happiness and bliss they’re clearly surrounded by.
It’s the slight pressure on your lower back that makes you jolt a little on the spot and it’s then you realise Mat had gently placed his hand there to encourage you a little closer. It takes effort on your behalf to follow his guidance but you move towards him, though you wish you could physically wince at how undoubtedly stiff the two of you must look. Or hopefully, not greatly so because neither Tito nor Elise comment on it or shoot you any funny looks as the four of you engage in brief conversation, mainly surrounding the trip here and any other guests they expect to receive today.
You don’t hang around much, though. Elise’s phone begins buzzing incessantly and she’s whisked away by the message received, but not before she fixes you with a pointed stare and demands the two of you have drinks later in the evening. Tito follows her also, even if he informs you and Mat that he feels as if he’s running around in the right places only because of Elise and the wedding planners, but you encourage him on by joking he could maybe turn a few candles on the tables this way or that for some extra oomph.
“I can’t imagine how she does it,” you admit to Mat once the elevator doors slide shut soundlessly and the car begins moving upwards to your floor.
“Pretty sure it’s not that big of a deal to her, given what all this is leading to,” Mat tells you and you detect a hint of detachment in his voice.
You don’t welcome it, of course you don’t, but you choose to not point that out to him. The last thing you want is an argument to break out the relatively okay mood the two of you have managed to hold, recent events that could be erased from memory aside. Instead, you simply stand back quietly, eyes glued on the red digital numbers aside until they come to a halt on the ninth floor where the elevator stops and you’re both left in a silent, dimly lit hallway.
Mat has the key to the apartment Elise told you the two of you would be in and just before tapping in, he hands you your own copy of it. Up until this very moment, you hadn’t thought very much of the overnight arrangements. You were pretty sure you meant to ask Elise a bit more about them at some point but both your attention and hers were pulled in different directions and here you were, stepping into your place for the next couple of nights, Mat trailing a little behind you.
You stop, arms folding across your chest and you feel Mat stop somewhere close behind you, looking into one room.
“I didn’t think this through,” you state neutrally.
Ahead of you lay only one bed.
#mat barzal#mat barzal imagine#mat barzal fic#nhl imagine#nhl fanfic#nhl fic#*#the synopsis sucks but i'm bad at short summaries lol#i had this idea since i first joined hockeyblr and i'm happy to have finally found the motivation to write it#anyway i have a vague idea for some scenes#and there will probably be three MAYBE four parts to it
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Yuta vs Yuji
(They are both Good Boys ™ and that’s the Problem ™ )
As this week the boys are still fighting, I thought it would be interesting to take a more in depth look at both of their characters and how they compare and contrast with each other. Yuta and Yuji are both protagonists who have protagonistic motivations. Their central conflict, Itadori’s struggle to find a good death surrounded by people he loves, and Yuta’s struggle to be surrounded by people he loves and protects them, relates to protecting the people they love and the world around them. However, that’s also what drives them into conflict with each other. They both view themselves as “the hero” even in conflicts such as the fight against each other, where there is really no good guy.
1. I want to live / I want to die
Yuta and Yuji are opposites in their stated motivation. Yuta’s goal is to find a way to live a happy life, surrounded by the people he loves. Yuji’s goal is to find a way to die surrounded by people he’s helped in life.
Not only are their stated motivations opposites however, on the outside they are both the opposite in several ways. Yuji is someone who is known for his strength whereas Yuta is immediately remarked upon as the type to get bullied. Yuji is immediately remarked upon for his cheerful disposition, whereas everyone who knows Yuta picks on him at first and notices how gloomy he is.
Yuji is someone who seems to make friends and connect with people almost immediately, whereas Yuta is someone who it probably took him a long time to start getting along with Maki and Inumaki based on what we see in the prequel. Maki challenges him at first, and Yuta doesn’t understand Inumaki at first.
Yuta is passive, and Yuji is active. Yuji is known for running after people to save them. Yuta’s actually not as motivated to save random strangers as Yuji is, he’s simply going along with becoming a Jujutsu Sorcerer because that will help his goals, 1) to make new friends and find a reason to live 2) to release Rika.
The difference between them even manifests in the way they became cursed. Yuji actively chose to swallow a curse, because he wanted to help Megumi and needed the power to do so. It was a decision he made. Yuta was the one who cursed Rika yes, but not only was it a jujutsu technique he used unconsciously, he also forgot about it and blamed Rika for cursing him instead.
Which is also something that reflects in the central flaws of both characters. Yuta is someone with a victim complex. He tends to avoid taking direct responsibility for his actions and blaming it on someone else. He acts passive in almost every situation, and doesn’t accept that it may be his fault. Which is why he misremembered what happened to Rika. Yuta could not accept the idea that he was to blame for cursing Rika, so he blamed Rika in his memories instead for cursing him.
It’s been outlined by Maki before Yuta’s victim complex, but basically he reads as a nice person on the surface by pretending to be innocent when he’s not. Which is why she says his goodness feels fake, and he himself feels gross. Yuta kind of just, represses and ignores the bad parts of his personality, to seem like a hapless victim. Of course Yuta is not good or bad, he’s just a dude. But, Maki even goes further to point out Yuta himself doesn’t even seem to know who he wants to be.
Yuta’s central character flaw is that he never accepts responsibility for his own actions. He has no self confidence and because of that he has a really tough time standing up as an individual.
When he can learn to control his power, and stand on his own two feet rather than just avoiding responsibility and acting like a victim with no control over his situation. Yuta begins to change, but I think he also elevates his friends far beyond himself.
He aspires to be like his friends, but he also feels like they’re already better than him and he’s unworthy. Which is why he’s constantly insecure about the relationship and needs to protect them. Yuta believes himself to be weak, he sees himself as a weak person, and so in every situation he tends to assume he’s the weak one or a weak victim which makes it hard for him to see what he’s responsible in those situation.
On the other hand Yuji takes almost too much repsonsibility. Rather than trying to depend on others, Yuji is always, running ahead on his own and that’s where he makes his mistakes.
He thought he was strong enough to take down Choso on his own. He wasn’t. He thought he was strong enough mentally to prevent Sukuna from rampaging, he wasn’t. Yuji’s mistakes always come from taking on more responsibility than he can handle, and then letting things fall out of his control.
Yuta’s irresponsible because he sees himself as a victim and doesn’t understand how strong he is, Yuji’s irresponsible because he constantly overestimates what he himself can handle.
If you take the scene after Yuji dies the first time into account. Sukuna outlines several facts. One, that Yuji is not actually strong enough to suppress him. Two, that he rampaged against Megumi specifically because Yuji got cocky and tried to use his power without using a binding vow and think it through. Three, that Yuji overestimates himself and his capability to keep Sukuna down and because of it, he agrees to a simple terms of “If I defeat you inside my own body you revive me with no conditions” and then just immediately dies.
All of this of course being foreshadowing for what happens after the Choso fight. Once again, Yuji overestimates himself and how he can win the fight fighting alone. Halfway through Yuji gets overwhelmed and Sukuna surfaces. When Sukuna surfaces he rampages, because Yuji did not even think of the possibility that Sukuna might rampage if he died or lost consciousness, and therefore there was no binding vow in place to stop him. It’s not because Yuji is a bad kid, but because he is a kid, and doesn’t know better. He acts like any fifteen year old would dealing with a 1000 year old spirit that’s much smarter than him. But it’s also a case of Yuji thinking everything comes down to strength and he can beat Sukuna just by being stronger, when Yuji actually solves none of his problems by fighting alone, and all of his major victories come from fighting together with others.
Yuji and Yuta are even opposites in regards to their curses. Rika loves Yuta and wants to protect him. He loses control of her because he’s too scared to face her, and has no idea how to begin controlling his power, which is once again this flaw that Yuta’s fear is a fear of taking responsibility. Yuji on the other hand his curse Sukuna loathes his guts, and is constantly trying to undermine him. Yuji’s problem is again and again he’s proven to underestimate Sukuna, he’s not afraid enough of Sukuna because Yuji himself considers himself a strong person and overestimates what he can be responsible for. Rika is an ally outside of Yuta, and Sukuna is an enemy within Yuji.
However, after going to such length to establish them as opposites they have one central similiarity. Both of them are incredibly lonely people. They can’t really make friends or connections normally.
Yuta has this fear of living alone, and Yuji this fear of dying alone.
They both only form relationships on the basis that they’re needed. Which is why Yuta goes so insane about protecting his friends. Which is why Yuji keeps focusing on death above all else, because that’s their true “purpose” that underlies their stated motivations. They’re both doing this because they are afraid of being alone.
However, they both need to prove that they are “worthy” of love. In order to do that, they need to be good, useful people. Thus they are heroes, thus they are good guys, thus they are protagonists.
Yuji becomes so insanely motivated to fight after Sukuna’s rampage, because if he doesn’t help someone, if he doesn’t justify his decision to keep on living somehow they’re just a murderer. Both Yuta and Yuji don’t really care about the world or circumstances around them, they just want to be validated by the people around them.
Yuta is a deeply selfish person, because he just wants other people around him to tell him it’s okay to live. However, he’s also just a suicidal fifteen year old kid in the first place, any kid his age would feel that way, would need that support and he shouldn’t need to earn it. That’s what he misunderstands. However, Yuji and Yuta keep trying to seek external validation. They keep trying to earn love rather than having it given to them.
It’s what Yuta completely fails to internalize after his fight with Geto. The lesson he needed to learn was that there was more to the world around him than just protecting the people he loved, but it seems coming back to both of those people he loved being hurt has caused him to double down on “protecting the ones he loved” vs “thinking about what is justice”.Yuta’s still stuck in this mode where he has to earn love, and that becomes his first priority in everything.
The problem with making the decision to ignore justice is that you can end up at the wrong side of the equation. Yuji is Yuta. He’s another victim who allowed a curse to rampage because he was cursed as a teenager and could not control his own power and people ended up dying for it.
However, because Yuta only understands that his friends have been hurt, and refuses to understand Yuji as both a victim and a person outside of himself he accepts his role of executioner.
Yuta was the person who was going to be executed a year ago. The only reason he didn’t was because Gojo gave him a chance and extended a helping hand. However we’re now seeing Yuta take the opposite path. he’s made the decision to become executioner, to not save when he himself was saved. Which is just sad because Yuta and Yuji are character foils.
A conflict against Yuji, the other main character, is really just Yuta fighting himself. Yuta cannot forgive himself for the crime of being weak, and therefore he blames Yuji for being like he was a year ago. Yuta still doesn’t know how to stand strong on his own, to accept that his friends love him for who he is, so he’s still trying to earn love by avenging them and acting overprotective against Yuji, when we know Inumaki was friends with Yuji and probably would not want him to be hunted down and killed.
Yuta and Yuji are both seemingly completely selfless people who can come off as rather self centered when you examine their deeper motivations (they do what they do, because they want to be loved and needed) but it doesn’t come from a place of ego, it’s just that they’re lonely. They can’t feel accepted for who they are so they both try to be heroes instead.
#jjk meta#jujutsu kiasen meta#jujutsu kaisen#itadori yuji#okkotsu yuta#jujutsu kaisen theory#jjk 138 spoilers#jjk 137 spoilers#jjk 138#jjk 137
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The Azoff Family: A Case Study on one of the Music Industry’s Most Connected Families
(ft. a breakdown of the Grammy voting process and problems)
This is very long so I will try and split it up into categories for everyone (sorry I got carried away- I spent like 2 hours writing this) but enjoy!
*Disclaimer: I want to preface while the majority of this is based in research, some parts may be speculation. I don’t know the family personally so I can’t tell you what goes on behind closed doors but I can tell you how parts of the entertainment/music industry work. I’ve had 5 internships in the industry (one in marketing at one of the big record labels) and the rest of my work is publicity (what I enjoy) and events and a former advisor used to run in the same circles as Irving Azoff (and he spilled some tea last year) I’m not out here to diminish the hard work of any artists or their teams, I’m simply here to showcase parts of the industry that aren’t always shown.*
Please also see: Story Time: How Fan Pages Directly Impact Columbia Records Decisions and Harry Styles Image
IRVING AZOFF: NEVER STOP THE GRIND
Let’s begin with the great business man himself Mr. Irving Azoff
Irving Azoff is the literal posture child for connections and power in the music industry (he was also inducted into the 2020 rock and roll hall of fame class which is like a huge fucking deal for a manager to be inducted so you know he's the real deal)
In conclusion, I love Irving Azoff and his drive.
Irving Azoff: Early Years Run Down:
He came up middle class (dad was a pharmacist, mom a bookkeeper) in Danville, Illinois
He dropped out of college to run a small Midwestern concert-booking empire and managed local acts in the era
Opportunity came knocking and he got the chance to manage the Eagles and the rest is history
He's one of the best negotiators and has negotiated business on behalf of stars like Stevie Nicks, the Eagles, and Jimmy Buffet
Azoff has been an incredible manager and his drive to always advocate for his clients while basically not giving two sh*ts about what people think of him has gotten him the incredible reputation he has today.
All of Irving Azoff’s Major Job Positions:
Former President MCA (major label)
Former CEO of Ticketmaster and executive chairman of Live Nation Entertainment, the behemoth formed from Ticketmaster’s merger with Live Nation.
In 2013 he and Cablevision Systems Corp. CEO and New York Knicks owner James Dolan formed a partnership, Azoff MSG Entertainment (Currently still CEO)
----> Azoff also ran the Forum in Inglewood under Azoff MSG Entertainment after MSG purchased it in 2012 (it was sold in 2020 to the owner of the Clippers) — why do you think Harry played the forum for the Fine Line show? Azoff connection
Azoff MSG Entertainment encompasses all of the other companies including Full Stop Management, Global Music Rights (performance-rights org), and the Oak View Group (arena developing company)
He also is the co-founder and manager of the lobbying group Music Artists Coalition, a group that helps lobby for artists-rights issues such as royalty rates, copyright issue and healthcare insurance (see he's not all bad)
Essentially what I'm getting at is this man knows anybody who's anybody. He's the man you want on your team to help promote your music, plan your tour, and get you on that Grammy nom list.
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JEFFREY AZOFF: THE CHILD OF NEPOTISM
So for those of you that don't know, Jeffery Azoff is Harry's current manager and the son of Irving Azoff (the third of four kids). He's currently a partner at Full Stop Management, the company owned by Irving and the one artists such as Harry, Haim, the Eagles, Kings of Leon, and Meghan Trainer are signed to.
Jeffrey graduated from the University of Colorado's Leeds School of Business and started working fresh out of college at his father's old Management company (Frontline Management) working under Maroon 5's manager Jordan Feldstein (the only way you get that kind of internship/job as a 21 year old fresh out of college is if your family or family friends gives it to you). He worked here for 5 years.
Direct Quote from Irving Azoff to Jeffrey (really tells you a lot): "Listen carefully, because I’m going to say this one time. You have a phone and you have my last name. If you can’t figure it out, you’re not my son."
After working for his father, Jeffrey moved on to the talent agency CAA (Creative Artist Agency) where he worked for roughly 3 and half years before joining his dad in forming Full Stop Management in 2016.
While he was at CAA, Irving moved over clients like Christina Aguilera and the Eagles to the talent agency to help with tour booking instead of doing it internally through LiveNation (he was CEO).
Even though I'm sure Jeff has had to work somewhat hard to get to where he is (or at least to mess up his dad's work as he doesn't seem like the type to take laziness well), the door into the industry and every job was basically handed to him on a silver platter.
Not to mention if you watch episodes of keeping up with the kardashians (like myself) you can actually see Jeff hanging out with kendall and the rest of the fam at their Palm Springs house (you know you're a nepotism kid if you have an in with the Kardashian crew). Invite me next time Jeffrey!!!
Think of the Azoff's as the mafia family of the music industry, you don't mess with the mafia
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THE GRAMMY AWARDS: STUDENT COUNCIL ELECTIONS ON STEROIDS
Ok so here's where we’re going to get into a bit more of the speculation/grey area. I don't need to tell you that award shows are corrupt (See the Golden Globes Emily in Paris scandal) and the Grammys are not an exception. Think of the Grammys as one big student council/government elections where despite the fact the teachers tell you six times to vote for the best candidate, you're still going to vote for your friends even if they aren't the best.
A simplified break-down of Grammy voting:
1) Recording Academy voting members (artists, producers, musicians- anyone involved first hand with the creation of music; All voting members must have been producers, performers or engineers on six or more tracks of a commercially released album (or 12 or more digital tracks) and record labels will submit nominations in various categories to the grammys (songs need to be released commercially between October 1 of the previous year and September 30th of this year). You can also become a voting member by either winning a grammy or being endorsed by a current voting member (hint hint)
2) Once received, the recording academy with have the academy of trustees and its reviewers organize them and approve any changes to the 30 categories/fields (aka they can add new categories or remove old ones; so no best ukulele album of the year -- this is where things get funky)
There's speculation that during this stage when these special groups of 8-10 people are organizing genres, there's an "unwritten rule" that you need to be careful what album you green light (especially for famous artists) if you don't want them to win) (Rob Kenner said this- he used to be on one of these committees). Famous people tend to get more votes from clueless or lay Academy members that don't know the specialized categories or don't care enough to listen to songs that aren't radio trending.
3) After the nominations occur, Voting members begin their first voting. Members can vote for the four general categories of record of the year, album of the year, song of the year and best new artist and a maximum of 15 categories, all within their areas of expertise. Now the interesting thing is that while these are the guidelines there is literally nothing stopping them from voting in whatever categories they want (i.g. a rapper voting in the opera category despite not listening to opera). Theses ballots are all tallied and the top 20 entries are determined in each category (funky moment #2)
In 12 of the 84 categories those top 20 go to the ballot and it's done; for the rest it’s not like that. 59 categories including the big four go to a "nomination review committees" (identities are protected so they can't get lobbied... sure) who take a look at the top 20 and narrow it down to 7 or 8. (these are the special committees the Weekend talked about when he was snubbed). They're supposed to choose the nominees "based solely on the artistic and technical merits of the eligible recordings" which lets be real if that was the case Watermelon Sugar (along with most of the others in the category) I don't think would have been nomimated as they are very generic pop (none of them are special... sorry to the WM lovers out there).
This committee is basically held to THE HONOR CODE SYSTEM... I mean tell me when the last time the honor code system worked in literally any scenario (literally wtf). Don't take my word for it though the former CEO of the Academy Deborah Dugan (a queen) filed a complaint against the Recording Academy basically claiming that the nomination review process was rigged (she was fired after 5 months on the job).
Quote from Deborah Dugan "Members of the board [of trustees] and the secret committees chose artists with whom they have personal or business relationships... It is not unusual for artists who have relationships with Board members and who ranked at the bottom of the initial 20-artist list to end up receiving nominations."
These review committees can also exploit there power by adding up to two nominees that don't appear on the top 20 list to the final voting ballot (except in the 4 big categories - which watermelon sugar that one wasn't nominated for)
They also have craft committees for like non performance stuff (like album notes, engineering and arranging) that don't even get voted on by the academy voting members
4) After all of that fucked up mess, the grammy's decided is ok, the ballots go back to the voting members for the final vote. Deloitte (an accounting firm) then counts all of them, seals them in envelopes, and delivers them to the Grammy award show.
** The Grammy's just announced this year they're removing the "secret committees" so let's see how things shift in the next couple of years**
So obviously I'm not saying this to discredit Harry's nomination or his win as Fine Line was in the US top 20 albums for the majority of 2020, however, we must acknowledge privilege. Harry has a big name to him and a huge following, and while all of that shouldn't be taken into account, it does. He also has the Azoffs, a very well connected family with friends in lots of places that would be able to put in a good word here and there to get support behind Harry. Harry won best pop solo performance for Watermelon Sugar in a category with Doja Cat, Justin Bieber, Billie Eilish, Taylor Swift, and Dua Lipa. Look at the names there, the songs (ya'll can try and remember them cause I'm too lazy to write it out) and tell me that those top names with all of the music produced didn't get there through some connections.
Do with all this information what you will and if you are interested in learning more about the entertainment industry on your own Endeavor (owners of WME, a big talent agency like CAA) is hosting a free online program called the Excellence Program to help guide the future generation of industry executives. The program is a-synchronous and starts on July 12th. Highly recommend giving it a go if you're interested!!!
Alright ya'll that's it. Feel free to message me with your thoughts!
Extra Sources if you'd like to read:
https://www.vice.com/en/article/pkdndn/how-grammys-voting-actually-works-and-where-the-alleged-corruption-lies
https://www.grammy.com/grammys/awards/voting-process
https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/music/story/2020-11-05/irving-azoff-eagles-manager
https://celebrityaccess.com/caarchive/jeffrey-azoff-exits-caa-to-launch-new-management-company/
https://www.rollingstone.com/pro/features/grammy-awards-secret-committees-945532/
https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/grammy-awards-eliminate-secret-committees-voting-changes-1163887/
#harry styles#irving azoff#jeffrey azoff#Grammys#harry styles imagines#harry styles blurb#music industry#endeavor#wme#WME entertainment#Azoff#Harry#harry styles imagine#harry styles fluff#harry styles x reader#harry styles x y/n#harry styles x you#harry styles masterlist#harry styles one shot#harry styles angst
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I hope people don’t mind – but I have a theory… one that’s been mulling around in my head for ages but didn’t really know if people would be interested in hearing it. I shared my thoughts with a few people and they seemed supportive of me sharing my theory further, so here we go.
Basically, I feel like something that the fandom deems as crucial to Violet’s character might actually be a misclassification. The short version of this post is that I theorise that Violet doesn’t have excessive abandonment issues (at least not to a significantly greater extent than any of the other characters), and what she is actually displaying is signs of survivor’s guilt.
From a behavioural view point, there’s a lot of overlap between both issues – withdrawing from others, fixating on other’s and their actions, being irrational at times as a defence mechanism, and applying unrealistic expectation on oneself and others. But the difference is the reasons behind those behaviours.
Someone with abandonment issues assumes that everyone will inevitably leave them. It leaves them insecure and assuming that they are somehow at fault for other’s leaving them. The thing is, this form of dependence on others tends to lead people to constantly be seeking approval, and they reel their neck in when they feel like someone is not going to agree with them. Basically, they become people pleasers who need constant reassurance that you aren’t planning on leaving them – but at the same time they keep things shallow, because they don’t feel like they can expose anything that the other person might leave them for. Then if things are on the rocks, they sabotage, if you push someone away before they reject you, then it doesn’t hurt as bad if they decide to leave. It’s a self-destructive cycle that centres around the person being anxious and not having trust in others to accept them as they are.
And while parts of that fits Violet, other parts don’t. I don’t feel like Violet comes across as insecure in what she offers to others or being afraid to have a contrary opinion. In fact, she seems quite confident in her skills and choices. There isn’t any hesitance to bring up tough questions or to speak her mind when she doesn’t like something. She takes on a leadership role and makes decisions that she knows the bulk of the group don’t agree with at that point. It doesn’t come across as someone who is afraid that those people she’s disagreeing with will leave her. Basically, I don’t feel like she acts out of fear that people will leave her – she does express not liking that people leave and believes that certain levels of loss are inevitable, but it feels like cynicism rather than fear.
A big example of this is her asking Clementine in the first card game “Out of all of us here, which one is going to die first?”… to me, that doesn’t read as someone afraid of loss, it reads as someone who views loss casually and also doesn’t feel compelled to sugar-coat the morbidity of such thoughts to a newcomer or old friends.
But if you look at something like survivor’s guilt – it has some similar behavioural patterns, but those behaviours stem more from guilt than fear. They survived a situation when others did not, and I don’t think there’s any denying that everyone who’s still alive in an apocalypse situation has outlived a friend/family member, and potentially also been there when they died. And those thoughts of “Why did I survive when they didn’t?”, “Could that have been different?”, and “Was it my fault?” eats away at them. They start picking apart every detail of an event and questioning if they were responsible, or if someone could have done something to prevent it.
It doesn’t matter if it’s logical or not, they fixate on the idea that they could somehow have changed the events if only they said/did something different, they should have known the outcome and stopped it. It’s irrational, it’s placing the blame on oneself or others for situations that they had no means to avoid or predict. And all of that guilt and stress makes the people irritable, withdrawn, and regretful. They get so stuck in that moment of loss that they don’t move forward. They lose interests they used to have, they feel disconnected, they don’t trust people or the world to be safe or fair, they pull away from others...
And I think this sounds like Violet. It makes more sense with how she talks about her grandmother and the twins – we hear how she processes these events. She tells us what she was doing when someone died (or she believed they died) and how she should have been doing something else – for her grandmother she should have called for help, for the twins she should have been there and not in the greenhouse. And since we hear more about the twins, she goes further and talks about how she also questions the actions made by others – she feels like she could have changed the outcome if she was there instead of Brody or Marlon. When in reality, she couldn’t have known, she can’t change what happened, and it wasn’t her fault that those people died (or were taken).
I feel Violet did lose herself to a degree in those fixations, that’s why she withdraws and seems apathetic about things until after we learn that Minnie is still alive. Some of that guilt is somewhat absolved when it becomes clear that Minnie isn’t dead, it opens up the possibility of fixing her perceived ‘wrongs’ of the past (e.g., out surviving her). She talks about not liking arts and crafts – but she makes you a pin. She suddenly wants to dance with you when we had no indication this was an interest of hers before. She sings a song that she clearly used to hold to high regard when Minnie sang it – though we never hear her sing or hear her talk about her own voice. She’s a different person once the guilty moment is re-framed as something she can fix. Those interests she lost before are suddenly back, or maybe she’s just more open to reevaluate things and move forward with new interests.
And I think this also explains part of Violet’s ire in the captured route – it’s not just that she feels like you chose someone over her, it’s a literal replay of the thing she felt guilty about for years. She’s in Minnie’s shoes, but this time the people at the school know she was taken and not killed at the school – they could have stopped it in the way she wished she could have done with the twins. Then Clem shows up, and she isn’t exhibiting the same crushing guilt that Violet carried for so long when this happened to her friends – and that has to hurt.
Not only does the situation suck, but she’s being confronted with someone who isn’t coping with the “loss” of an important friend in the same way she did. I feel like it would only be logical for Violet to wonder why, and she is also clearly not in a good frame of mind and will come up with some of the worst possible answers.
Is she not as important to the others as Minnie was to her? Is she not worth the same emotional devastation? Was she wrong to feel the way she felt, or is Clem wrong for not feeling that way now?
The situation may be different, but after dealing with the traumatic experience of being captured, seeing Minnie again, and being manipulated into behaving – I don’t think Violet can think clearly enough to realise the differences of the situation. Clem isn’t dealing with the same level of guilt because her method of coping with the tragedy is immediate action… an option that Violet never had. It has nothing to do with Violet not being worth the same devastation as the twins, though I bet it still feels that way to her. So not only does the perceived betrayal sting worse, she also is being told she has the option of protecting Minnie by going along with the Delta – it just feeds into her preexisting guilt that she didn’t save her before, so of course she’s going to act in a way that she believes will make up for it.
And yeah… that’s my theory. Whether you agree or not, I’d be interested in hearing other’s thoughts on this – especially when I’m very aware that the abandonment narrative is seen as near universal amongst the fans. It just happens to not have been my initial stance, and I dunno, maybe an alternate point of view will be interesting to you guys.
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As someone, who's favourite character is Zuko, let me just say that your analysis about the Southern Raiders is spot on. Something about that episode (especially the way Zuko acted) always felt a little... off to me. And I could never figure out what it was exactly and considering the fact that discussion about this episode centered around the Kataang vs Zutara, I thought I was the only one who felt that way. So, I guess thanks for putting my thoughts into words.
Oh, I really feel ya, anon. If you actually don't look at the episode from a shipping point of view, which seems to be the focus of most the fandom, a lot of unpleasant things really start sticking out. I'm personally neutral to the Kataang vs. Zutara debate, I see good points and drawbacks to both ships, and no one's going to convince me that this episode proved the superiority of either pairing, especially when the shipping interpretations have never been important to me when analyzing this episode. People can say Aang is right in the end, they can say Zuko understands Katara's plight better (which, considering Aang has lost even more people he loved than Zuko has, he certainly should have understood Katara's suffering quite well too), but focusing on whether Zuko or Aang are the angel or the devil on Katara's shoulders practically blinds everyone to the very glaring and mindboggling flaws in this episode's writing, imo.
In general, the concept of Zuko's life-changing field trips with the three Gaang members he'd wronged the most is fine and fun for most people, but from the first time I watched the show it felt like the production team knew they were pressed for time and needed some veeeery quick and effective solution for Zuko to gain acceptance in the Gaang ASAP despite all the bad blood there. I can imagine a lot of people love these episodes, but admittedly I wouldn't rank any of them among my favorites because, as interesting as some of their concepts could be, if executed right, my immersion certainly wasn't as strong as with the rest of the show due to the nagging feeling that this was all for the sake of redeeming Zuko in the eyes of each Gaang member... and not necessarily in the eyes of the audience.
They get away with it, of course, because by this point in time, the audience is 100% conditioned to love the Gaang and Zuko, and if you see them getting along, you should be rejoicing in their team-up... but if you put some emotional distance between yourself as a viewer and the events of these episodes, their writing leaves a lot to be desired, especially in the concept of giving Zuko a quick whitewashing in the eyes of Aang, Sokka and Katara, one after the other, so they can genuinely accept him as a teammate and friend. If we'd seen similar trips frequently or occasionally in the rest of the show, with two specific members of the team taking off on an adventure by themselves, it might not be so glaringly obvious (and even... artificial? I guess?) that they're trying to quick-redeem him for each of them here, but on top of it happening thrice, it's literally happening one after the other, too. There's no episodes in-between, it's just literally a four-parter arc of "let's help Zuko become friends with these three".
The plotlines to be dealt with in these episodes are basically catered to each Gaang member, tailor-made life-changing field trips based on whatever they'll value the most, all of it conveniently possible and doable in the span of time they have between Zuko's joining of their group and the show's finale. Aang needs to learn firebending, Sokka needs to save his dad, Katara is permanently grieving for her mother's death. And so, Zuko to the rescue! If he helps them with their personal character quests, he gets 50+ approval points! :'D Honestly, I'm absolutely not against the notion of Zuko befriending them, obviously not, but the methods through which they chose to make it happen simply might not be the finest...?
Zuko loses his ability to bend because he "lost his rage", but he's still angry pretty often, the show even spoofs its own writing by showing him losing his patience at Sokka... while at the same time trying to sell that Zuko "isn't angry" anymore? Zuko helps break out random prisoners from the Boiling Rock without taking a single moment to actually learn who they are, why they were locked up, and without pondering if they deserve to be helped or if perhaps they're genuinely dangerous? Zuko gives Katara every possible tool and information she needs to take revenge on Yon Rha, because, loosely quoting his own words, he "cares what she thinks of him"...?
How about if we'd seen Zuko trying to connect with Fire Nation people, to help his fellow Fire Nation citizens, especially the ones who were living in dreadful conditions, like the ones in the Jang Hui river village? How about if we'd seen Zuko saving lives rather than threatening to take them? How about if we'd seen Zuko actually reasoning with his anger, and either working his way out of it, or repurposing it consciously, or making legitimate, personal efforts to find a new source of strength for his firebending through self-reflection, above all else?
We didn't really need sudden one-on-one field trips to teach Aang, Katara and Sokka to trust Zuko: we needed Zuko to prove himself worthy of that trust, to show how much he has changed, to literally contrast his new behavior with the old, to actually see that the guy no longer jumps into violence-mode 24/7, that he's willing to listen to other people's opinions or wisdom, that he wants to learn better when he knows he's misguided or misunderstanding something or another. Would he have become BFFs with any of them in four episodes if this had happened? Well, it definitely would have happened with Aang, the other two would have been trickier, but they definitely would have been more willing to accept him if they actually got to SEE that the changes in Zuko weren't skin-deep. Katara can be as thick-headed and stubborn as she may want to be, but I have no doubts she wouldn't have been able to hate Zuko as much as she used to if she'd seen him helping people, much like she often wants their group to do. But instead, they don't get to see the actual changes and growth... they just get their biggest goals and wishes satisfied, and that's enough to decide Zuko's trustworthy, no matter whatever sketchy behavior he displays in later episodes.
I absolutely appreciate the worldbuilding context we gain for the raids on the Water Tribe through The Southern Raiders, but I don't think this was an organic way to tell the story of how Zuko became friends with the Gaang. If pressed, I'd even say that Zuko's overt desperation to be their friend is OOC, to a degree: if this guy actually knows how dangerous his father's plans are (and he's supposed to :'D), how isn't he focusing on that side of things, when he's always been such a go-getter? It's not like he grew out of this sort of ends-justify-the-means behavior, seeing as he's absolutely obsessed with stopping his father ASAP, by any means possible, in the finale, when there was no such urgency to be found ever since he joined the Gaang. How isn't he more worried about stopping Ozai than about becoming best friends with the Gaang? Immediately sharing everything he's learned about Ozai's intentions of destroying the whole world might not make them friends instantaneously, but it would certainly get someone like Sokka to take his information seriously and immediately begin strategizing how to counter Ozai's plans. Instead, Zuko spent all those weeks, over a month, even, teaching Aang firebending, going on field trips and hanging out with his new friends in Ember Island. Once you have all the cards on deck and you actually look at all of them at once, doesn't it feel like there were so many more ways to achieve what the show was going for, far more effective ways than through the "let's be friends with Zuko" arc?
Ultimately, there's very little display of growth, in my opinion, in this small arc, on Zuko's side, despite the most obvious and reasonable way to earn the trust of the Gaang would be by outright showing them how much he's grown. I won't deny I appreciate that the writers respected his personality and didn't just warp him into the perfect good softboi the way the fandom apparently interprets him, but even if Zuko was going to be cranky and speak one-liners like "I'm never happy", it wasn't impossible to write better situations for him to connect with the Gaang's members and gain their trust. Even if the writers were set on having these episodes happen exactly as they did, they absolutely could have been written in a much better way, to create an explicit and direct contrast between Zuko's early behavior and the new Zuko's behavior when it comes to things that matter (most the parallels I've seen the fandom drawing are things like "oh look he hated tea before but now he brews it for his friends! So much growth!"... would've been nice to see the growth when it came to a lot of other things, too, if the growth really was there? Am I rite...?).
I may just be influenced by other redemption arcs that focus mainly on characters having common goals and working together to achieve them, then becoming friends in the process... but I really don't see how Zuko's character benefited from these episodes. Yes, bridges were built... but they absolutely could have been built in a more organic way that didn't make people like myself (and a few others) question if Zuko had learned or grown at all, considering the way he behaves isn't all that distant from the Zuko we've seen and known throughout the rest of the show. And the fact that he really seems to have learned nothing in The Southern Raiders once you reach the show's finale... you're basically asked to take for granted Zuko did learn a lot of lessons because he says he did, to assume he's going to put them into practice sometime in the future despite he has chances to do it during the show itself but never does, simply because they drop the ball upon every opportunity to show how much he's changed.
I really don't blame his character at all, when it comes to these shortcomings... it's seriously, genuinely, a problem with the writing department. Take a look through the fandom and you'll see thousands of people who claim Zuko's character arc is the most touching, complex and beautiful writing they ever have seen... and why? Because we're in the face of tell-don't-show :'D most people's perception of Zuko's character are based not so much on HOW Zuko displays his growth, it's strongly based on him stating he made progress, even if there's too many instances where the growth simply seems to have fallen to the wayside or gone forgotten for the sake of a plotline or another. Zuko absolutely could have been written far better than this, he could absolutely have the redemption arc his fans are sure he does have, but for me... there's way too many gaps in logic, too many missed opportunities, to truly think his growth was as extraordinary as a lot of people are hung up on saying it was.
#anon#woops#I probably shouldn't have written this much here but what can I say#I've got beef with these storylines#and I unfortunately can't bbq it (?)#so instead I ramble and ramble and hope you guys forgive me for how long-winded I can be :'D
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I have a couple of questions about Karen Miller/Traviss (are they the same person?) who wrote the Clone Wars novels. Are they still considered canon? Also, I heard that Karen Traviss was abused online or something, was that over her Star Wars novels? Really, I mean that just takes toxicity to a new level.
This is a hot topic but one that desperately needs to be explored because to this day people are still spreading misinformation about that happen as a way to ‘defend’ their points. So, here we go:
Karen Miller and Karen Traviss are not the same person.
Karen miller wrote novels like The Clone Wars: Wild Space and the Clone Wars Gambit series.
Karen Travis wrote novels like The Clone Wars movie novelization and the Republic Command Series.
Both, in my opinion, are very talented writers but both also suffered thanks to sexiest and overzealous fans. There are many reason why they became ‘infamous’ but the main reason is their political stance. They both had a lot of sympathy for the clones and the enslaves citizens of the GFFA, and both were not shy about calling out the Jedi Order and the Senate for their inaction. Of course, jedi stans hated them. To add insult to injury, Karen Traviss was the writer who ‘killed’ Mara Jade (btw, this wasn’t her idea but she’s still hated for it).
Karen Miller ‘crimes’:
Her biggest ‘offense’ was being mistaken by Karen Traviss (more on that later). Beyond that all she did was write Anidala and portraying Anakin and Obi-wan as good but flawed people. This is the kind of stuff she wrote:
“Coruscant was out there. Padmé was out there. There was a heart in his chest, beating, but it was only an echo. She was his true heart. She was his home.” - Karen Miller’s Clone Wars Gambit: Siege
“He saw himself a candle. He saw himself behind a wall. Brick by brick he tried to raise it. Brick by brick, it was destroyed. Every death was a hammer blow. Every loss a chisel. The Sith were a wily foe, they knew where and when to strike. They were drawn to weak places, to old griefs and unhealed wounds.” - Karen Miller. The Clone Wars: Wild Space
To weep for a fallen comrade was to display unseemly attachment. A Jedi did not become attached to people, to things, to places, to any world or its inhabitants. A Jedi’s strength was fed by serenity. By distance. By loving impersonally. Karen Miller. The Clone Wars: Wild Space
Nothing particularly edgy or offensive. Imo, she’s one the best prequel writes in the game.
Karen Traviss ‘crimes’:
Beyond killing Mara Jade, she’s known for being critical of the Jedi and Republic and advocating for clone wars. She supported the highly offensive and controversial idea that clones were human being who deserved the freedom. She also believed that love (romantic or platonic), family and friends were not inherently evil and that Order made mistake by banning them.
Karen Trraviss is also know for writing so much of what we know of Mandalorian culture and she struck a nerve that too.
She wrote things like:
“The only thing [the clones] all had in common was their appearance—although they were starting to age differently, she could see that now—and what the Republic had done to them. Apart from that, they were individuals with the full range of virtues and habits of random humankind, and she now felt completely at home with them. If she had a side in this war, this was the one she chose: the disenfranchised, unreasonably loyal, heartbreakingly stoic ranks of manufactured men who deserved better.” Star Wars - Republic Commando: True Colors by Karen Traviss
Serenity, my backside. Passion. Passion and anger and love. That’s what this galaxy needs, not serenity. Passion for change. Anger at this brutality. Love-buckets of it, for everyone, love between child and parent, between spouses, between brothers and sisters, between friends. We need more attachment, not less. Attachment can stop us from tearing ourselves apart. The Clone Wars: No Prisoners by Karen Traviss
He wanted to ask her why only a handful of Jedi objected to a slave army, and why they could claim to believe in the sanctity of all life and yet treat some life as being exempt from that respect. [REPUBLIC COMMANDO: TRUE COLORS BY KAREN TRAVISS[
Fandom (over)reaction:
Because of her ‘polemic’ takes, she started getting a lot of hate from the fandom. She used to interact with the fandom and her reward was to get constant death and rape threats. Some fans threatened her with ‘corrective rape’ to change her mind about the Jedi Order and other topics. Apparently, she responded by calling these fans ‘talifans’.
And the fans used that reaction to further vilify her. she was accused of hating the Jedi Order, of favoring Mandalore over them, getting the size of the clone army wrong, of ruining the OT by killing Mara Jade and now, of attacking fans. She was basically bullied out of the franchise.
However, her depictions of Clones and Mandalorians as heroes, while portraying the Jedi as petty or villainous, frustrated some fans, who felt that her stories and characters were counter to Star Wars. These fans wrote negative reviews of her books, and created a petition to George Lucas to stop Traviss from writing further Star Wars books. Traviss also received rape and death threats. Traviss wrote about these experiences on her blog, attacking the fans who created the petition, and likening them to Muslim extremists by calling them "Talifans." Traviss ultimately retired from Star Wars writing due to the threats she received. [x]
It got to point where she had to write an open letter to the fandom explaining she DIDN’T hate the Jedi Order, she just didn’t believe things like war crimes and slavery should be so easily overlooked.
“No sane human can hate someone who doesn’t actually exist. From a writer’s perspective, the more super-powers characters acquire, the harder it is to develop logical story arcs and true human drama…but I don’t have any real feelings about fictional characters that stay with me once I step out of character-point-of-view-writing mode and get on with my life […] My real problem, then, is not with fictional Jedi, but with the people who refuse to believe they can do wrong. – Karen traviss [x]
If you want to know more about this, check this out :)
Now, back to Karen Miller
A few years ago, a popular sw tumblr tried to discredit Traviss writing by spreading the info that she was a sexualizing Ahsoka with Bail so people started hating her for that too. Thing is, Karen Miller was the one accused of doing that but here is the deal:
Neither Karens ever wrote Ahsoka interacting with Bail Orgarna. What actually happened was that someone wrote a fic about Bail sexualizing Ahsoka on fanfiction.net, someone read it and decided the writing style was similar to Karen Miller’s so OF COURSE it must be Karen Miller who wrote the fanfic. Thanks to that genius level of deductive work, over the time people started saying that Karen Traviss wrote about Bail wanting to fuck Ahsoka as extra proof that SHE IS EVIL and should not be taken seriously.
Conclusion
Regardless of what you feel about someone writing, it’s NEVER okay to send them rape or death threats. Never! unfortunately, some hardcore jedi stans still spread the ‘karen traviss was attacking us’ without explaining exactly transpired between her and the fandom. According to their narrative, she was the *only* one in the wrong. That’s why there’s so much misinformation about her and what truly happened online.
My take on this ‘controversy’ is very simple: stop sending rape and death threats to women. I don’t care if you agree with her or not. The moment you believe a women *deserve* to be rape or killed, or support those who do, you lose any more ground you might think have. The situation becomes even more dire if it’s done to protect FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. 🤦♀️ I swear...this fandom....
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