#even though im sad im glad such a fragile friend isnt here anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bi-mirandalawson · 6 years

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one (1) person expressed interest in my writing so @vamppeach here u go

if u romance alistair as a city elf, when u get to the alienage and ur cousin mentions ur wedding, alistair is like ‘UR MARRIED?????’ and i laughed but then i got sad and i had to write about them actually talking about it

if ur on mobile and this readmore doesnt work im sincerely sorry

"you're married ?!"

"i was betrothed. i never actually got married." laurel looks at him out of the corner of her eye but does not turn to face him. her voice is flat and firm. she wants very badly for him to drop it.

"what happened?"

"imagine a storybook wedding - this was the exact opposite of that." she asks shianni another question, cutting off any more prodding from alistair.

after they've dealt with the slavers and returned everyone there to their homes, she goes to have dinner with her family. she promised to catch up with shianni, and of course her father. and honestly, she's looking forward to being able to put the grey warden stuff aside for a few hours. she thinks about taking along some of her friends. not too many, because she knows her father won't be able to feed too many extras.

wynne is sure to be a good house guest. shale doesnt eat, so she wouldnt be an extra burden on her father. leliana has such delightful stories, and zevran is certainly charming. but really, she knows she wouldnt bring anyone but alistair. as nice as it would be to introduce her family to her new friends and comrades, she really doesn't want to involve them in her personal affairs. and she really just wants to focus on her family for a night. but alistair is different. he's practically her family already. and she thinks this might be the only chance she gets to introduce him to her family, to her father.

she invites him, as everyone else is preparing to head back to camp. wynne raises her eyebrows and a small smile tugs at her lips but she says nothing. alistair agrees, of course, and there is a look on his face that says that he is taking it very seriously.

"don't make a big deal out of it," she says. "I didn't want to take everyone, thats all."

"alright. i can pretend its not a big deal for me to meet your dad, if you want me to."

they walk in near silence back to her house (her father's house now ? she supposes she doesn't live there anymore). she knocks on the door and shianni opens it a second later, a glass of wine in hand. she kisses both of them on the cheek and ushers them inside. dinner is on the table, and extra chairs have been crammed around. shianni sits between soris and valora. her father is in the kitchen.

"who did you bring with you, cousin?" shianni asks. laurel introduces alistair to her family as a fellow grey warden and friend. they start in with questions about the grey wardens, and what happened, and how they survived. alistair makes her sound much more heroic than she thinks she really was. she and alistair do most of the talking - their adventures are much nicer to talk about than life in the alienage after she left.

the food is good, and the wine flows, and laurel feels truly at peace for the first time since before her wedding. there isnt anything outside this room, outside of the jokes shared between kin, outside of the flickering warmth of the fire.

valora decides to turn in, and soris leaves with her. laurel hangs out the doorway for a moment, watching them walk down the street hand in hand. when she comes back in, her father is draping a blanket over shianni, asleep on the couch.

"alistair, will you give me a moment with my daughter please ?" alistair nods and awkwardly stands up, almost knocking the chair over. he steps outside and laurel takes her seat at the table. her father sits beside her and takes her hand in his.

"is that ring .. ?" the question hangs in the air.

"It fell out of nelaros' pocket. i've worn it as sort of.. remembrance." she examines the small ring. it is a simple band, with delicate vines carved around it, and it glows in the fire light. it doesnt hurt to look at anymore. "i mostly just didn't know what to do with it. it felt too.. important to sell, or give away. he worked so hard on it."

"let me have it, laurel. i will keep it safe. you do not need to carry that burden any more." his voice is gentle, as is his thumb rubbing her knuckles.

"it is not a burden, father." she is almost defensive. "it's a part of my past, and i will carry it with me whether or not i have this ring."

cyrion sighs quietly. she is so stubborn, so strong. but she has to let herself bend or she will break. she doesn't need to carry all her suffering with her for it to have meant something.

"this boy, alistair," he says, "he is special to you?"

"more than anyone else." he squeezes her hand and she squeezes back.

"you do not need to bring these ghosts, these what-ifs in to that. you deserve a fresh start, my child." laurel can feel herself start to cry and she wipes her tears away with her free hand. he pulls her in close and she lets a few more tears fall on to his shoulder.

she presses the ring in to his palm, and he slips it in to his breast pocket. he says he will put it on the family shrine next to her mother's ashes. she says she would like that, and she thinks her mother would too. he presents her with her mother's dagger, and she slides it in to her belt, like it was always meant to be there. she almost starts crying again. she calls alistair back inside, and cyrion says that the night air has surely cleared the wine from his head, so he should be able to walk laurel home. alistair says yes of course he will make sure she is safe, and the way he looks at her makes cyrion believe him. he gives them both a hug, a surprise to alistair, and tells them not to be strangers, to come by whenever they want.

the night air is cool against laurel's warm cheeks, and she is still smiling. she looks up, and tries to remember the constellations her father taught her as a child. she points a couple out to alistair, making up whatever she can't remember of the stories that go with them. he calls her out on her bullshit and they go back and forth until they're both laughing. they fall in to pleasant silence, and he loosely laces his fingers through hers. she sighs.

"I should tell you about my almost-wedding."

"you don't have to. i know you don't want to," he says quietly, ever the gentleman.

"but you're curious, and you'll never stop wondering until i tell you about it, so i might as well get it over with."

she tells him, and he listens. he doesn't make one sideways quip or witty remark. he doesn't say anything at all, actually. she tells the story at her own pace, with his only contribution being his thumb rubbing on her hand. she tells him everything. her own feelings of fear and inadequacy. the ring she found on nelaros. how good it felt to end vaughan's life, to see him bleeding out at her feet and to know that she had done it. the hopelessness as she realized that if it wasnt vaughan, it would be someone else, and next time she wouldn't be there to protect anyone.

"do you think about what your life would be like if it hadn't happened like that?" he is genuinely curious, and she doesnt get mad because they have talked about alistair's what-if lives.

"not anymore. i did a lot at first. at ostagar, it was practically all i thought about, in between trying to stay alive. 'i shouldn't be here,' i thought, 'i should be in the alienage, getting to know my husband.' by the time we got to lothering though, i didn't do it as much. i had other things to worry about."

there is a moment of quiet, and then he asks if she was alright.

"no. i don't think anyone can go through that and be alright." she is blunt, and she hopes she doesnt make him feel stupid for asking. she knows he was just being kind. "but i survived, so i will be. some day."

"thank you for trusting me with that," he says, and squeezes her hand.

"you can't. start treating me like i need to be protected. or like im soft. because of what happened to me. i know how it goes, especially with women. if there's a tragedy in your past, you're fragile. please dont.. think of me any differently." alistair stops walking and turns to face her.

"i would never." he takes her other hand. "you're so strong, and have been since i met you. even before that, obviously." she gives him a small smile and he takes her face gently and kisses her.

"was it really no big deal that i met your father ? since we're..."

"maybe. i think it might have been to him." she looks at him out of the corner of her eyes and he's watching her. "i didn't want to be like 'dad this is alistair, my human lover' but i think he knew that we're not just friends. i just didn't want you to make a big deal out of it, or think you had to impress him or something."

"what, you think i wouldn't impress him? i impressed you, didn't i ?" he nudges her with his elbow.

"hardly. we both know i was the one making you swoon." she laughs, and she is glad that he is so good at making her feel light. even though they had such heavy conversation earlier, his smile and his jokes and his hand laced with hers makes her feel like she is standing in the sun on the first warm day of the year.

#writing tag #(i cant remember what my fic tag is thats how long its been since ive posted any)#oc: laurel #tabris #my wardens

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kingofkate · 3 years

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So I apologize in advance because I'm not writing this to anyone in particular. I need somewhere to vent and currently have nowhere in my life to do that. So here I go yelling into the void.

I made a friend a few months ago, and things were really great. I was isolated with very few friends where I live (in a small town overseas) so it was great to meet someone from my country who had similar interests as me.

We used to laugh and joke all the time and they would always joke that we were basically the same person. But lately something changed.

I dont know if it is me or them, but suddenly they dont laugh anymore. Instead of jokingly saying "haha stop" at a cheesy joke they just ignore it and criticize me.

I used to reach out to them when something funny or bad happened in my life for advice of just a shoulder to lean on in times when I felt down or wanted to share. But recently every time I reach out, whether I'm sad or happy, it's always criticism.

I come out of every situation feeling like I'm the biggest idiot in the world because no matter how I defend myself they always shoot back "no, you're wrong."

I had a bad trip where I was stuck in a city I didnt speak the language and got kicked from a taxi and was scared so I reached out to them to say I was worried and needed a voice by my side for a moment to calm down. They told me it's my fault for not learning the language more even though I WAS using the language the guy just didnt understand me and asked me to leave. Then my friend kept asking me why I even went there to begin with when i could have went somewhere closer they liked more. I said i wanted to get out of my comfort zone and despite the hardships I was happy I was there. Every message was just why would you go there? There are better options. I dont understand why you went there. Until I eventually just said "look, this was my decision and I'm glad I made it. End of discussion" and came away feeling worse because I just needed them to say you'll get through it, I'm here. And instead I got a lecture about my decisions and how I'm wrong.

This has been going on for months and every time we talk I always just feel worse after. Today is sort of the last straw when I realized that they dont care what I say, they just want an excuse to argue and put me down.

I was joking saying that I wish our schedules matched up one day so we could see each other. They said it wouldn't matter because we wouldn't see each other much anyway. I said it would still be nice to have someone to walk to work with in the morning so I wasnt so lonely. They said it wouldn't matter. I finished with "my day would be better seeing you in the morning even if it's only for a few minutes" and they just said "it would be nothing but a commute to work for me".

I decided you know what? Fuck it. All I was saying is that your friendship means a lot to me and you make me happier when I get to see you even for a few minutes. But you just have to argue! It wasnt even a situation! Our schedules wont match up and it was hypothetical. Now I just feel stupid for feeling happiness at an imaginary situation where I get to see you more. And you know what? That's not friendship.

This is the type of person who diagnosis you with a personality and just sticks with that and doesnt change how they see you. I relied on them on a trip we went on? They constantly comment on how I couldn't survive on my own. They talk about a friend they have and say they are fragile. I say I'd love to meet this friend. They say they wont like me because I'm too chaotic. As if I cant read the room and change how I act to make people more comfortable.

It's a constant back and forth between telling me how to live my life and criticizing me when I try to improve myself in ways that matter to me.

I need to get out more? I try doing day trips to new places despite the anxiety because I want to. Is that good enough? No the place I chose to go was a stupid choice because there are better places close by.

I need to make more friends? I ask to be introduced to their friends because I literally dont know anyone else. No, they wont like me because I'm "too crazy".

I need to learn the language better? I go out of my way to ask coworkers for help, wrote down as many useful sentences as possible, and practice my speaking before I get there. One bad situation happens? Dude, you REALLY need to make a better effort to learn the language.

Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Maybe im taking things to personally. But I dont care. My mental health shouldn't be in a worse place every time I talk to you. That's not friendship.

And no, I'm not going to tell them any of this because I know their mental health isnt in a great place. They dont need me criticizing them about how they talk to me.

So from here on out I'm not going to contact them. If they reach out to me I'll respond. But they clearly have no interest in hearing about my life, so I wont trouble them with that anymore.

Doing this isolates me more because they were the only other person who was in a similar situation to mine and all my friends are in a different tome zone on the opposite side of the world and dont understand the position I'm in.

I'm not looking for pity or advice with this post. I just need a place to rant because I have no one else to talk to.

Thanks for reading.

#rant #mentalhealth #mental health

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