#avoid this path to failure
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« To mention the global loss of biodiversity, that is to say, the disappearance of life on our planet, as one of our problems, along with air pollution or ocean acidification, is absurd—like a doctor listing the death of his patient as one symptom among others.
The ecological catastrophe cannot be reduced to the climate crisis. We must think about the disappearance of life in a global way. About two-thirds of insects, wild mammals and trees disappeared in a few years, a few decades and a few millennia, respectively. This mass extinction is not mainly caused by rising temperatures, but by the devastation of natural habitats.
Suppose we managed to invent clean and unlimited energy. This technological feat would be feted by the vast majority of scientists, synonymous in their eyes with a drastic reduction in CO2 emissions. In my opinion, it would lead to an even worse disaster. I am deeply convinced that, given the current state of our appetites and values, this energy would be used to intensify our gigantic project of systemic destruction of planetary life. Isn't that what we've set out to do—replace forests with supermarket parking lots, turn the planet into a landfill? What if, to cap it all, energy was free?
[...C]limate change has emerged as our most important ecological battle [...] because it is one that can perpetuate the delusional idea that we are faced with an engineering problem, in need of technological solutions. At the heart of current political and economic thought lies the idea that an ideal world would be a world in which we could continue to live in the same way, with fewer negative externalities. This is insane on several levels. Firstly because it is impossible. We can't have infinite growth in a finite world. We won't. But also, and more importantly, it is not desirable. Even if it were sustainable, the reality we construct is hell. [...]
It is often said that our Western world is desacralised. In reality, our civilisation treats the technosphere with almost devout reverence. And that's worse. We perceive the totality of reality through the prism of a hegemonic science, convinced that it “says” the only truth.
The problem is that technology is based on a very strange principle, so deeply ingrained in us that it remains unexpressed: no brakes are acceptable, what can be done must be done. We don't even bother to seriously and collectively debate the advisability of such "advances". We are under a spell. And we are avoiding the essential question: is this world in the making, standardised and computed, overbuilt and predictable, stripped of stars and birds, desirable?
To confine science to the search for "solutions" so we can continue down the same path is to lack both imagination and ambition. Because the “problem” we face doesn't seem to me, at this point, to be understood. No hope is possible if we don't start by questioning our assumptions, our values, our appetites, our symbols... [...] Let's stop pretending that the numerous and diverse human societies that have populated this planet did not exist. Certainly, some of them have taken the wrong route. But ours is the first to forge ahead towards guaranteed failure. »
— Aurélien Barrau, particle physicist and philosopher, in an interview in Télérama about his book L'Hypothèse K
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PAC: 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟
1. 2. 3.
For those who are sleeping on their potential or are unaware of it.
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PICTURE 1
Blessed with the gift of restoring or beautifying things beyond repair. This could be an object, a garment or you, yourself. There's not a single ending or grief that you've faced that you haven't bloomed out of. Perhaps some of you have found inspiration in it as well. You can find beauty in the mundane and the macabre. You'll always find or have access to some hidden resources. Be it esoteric knowledge, classified sources, intuition or people not really in the public eye.
You're sleeping on your gifts of acquiring wealth. Some of you may have limiting beliefs when it comes to money. You have the ability of being extremely influential with your words but you shy away or underestimate yourself. You'd do amazing in selling/promoting/teaching something but you might think you're not glamourous or confident enough. Both of them are a state of your mind. Some of you can be incredible cooks too, make something simple look appealing and taste exquisite regardless of whether you want to profit out of it or not. Some of you are excellent designers, can stitch fabrics together or put something together like a puzzle piece and make it fit even if they aren't supposed to. With enough awe and wonder you can make yourself happy, something you've been avoiding in the pursuit of keeping up with ever yone else and constant comparison or choosing things to pursue that you aren't supposed to but you end up doing so to prove a point that never gets assured.
PICTURE 2
Such caring and tranquil souls who don't realise that they create their opportunities as they go. You don't have to go looking for them, the more you do they'll elude you. Think of it as looking for your glasses while you were wearing them the whole time. Blessed with the capability of changing lives and circumstances through their thought, ideas and words alone. But you think of it as a power so simple and you seek out more complicated things then wonder why you feel stuck and devoid of curiousity and fun. You're sleeping on your potential to go and see what the world has to offer you and what you have to offer to the world. You might think it's too little but that's far from the truth. You've gathered your perceived mistakes and failures so much that they have piled up in your subconscious somehow. The moment you switch them to what you have gratitude towards, they too will add up and will keep multiplying. You'll either way be guided towards your destiny no matter what.
You have helped others release their burdens but it seems as though you still keep carrying yours with the addition of other's as well. Why? You think you can't execute an idea, you think too much time has or will pass you think you have no relevance. You think too much, so why can't you think in your favour more than once? You're stubborn, so why can't you be stubborn with allowing yourself too walk on your path?
There's an opportunity in everything. The moment you make everything ever in your favour as crazy as it sounds, is when you are prosper.
PICTURE 3
There is power in the unspeakable emotions that you feel but prefer not to. You have the ability to evoke the same emotions in others too. You're perhaps searching for examples or validation from others in regards to what you want to do, where you want to go and what you want to become. But the truth is that you're supposed to be your own validation.
You're meant to be your own example, be as eccentric and revolutionary and chaotic as you wish to be. Some of you are a cult classic in the making and don't even realize it yet. You're like a lightning strike, the poet and the muse. You have the gift to visualise/picture things into existence. You are someone's real life comfort character despite it all You're capable of becoming a healer, taking all the pain and turning into power, inspiring the same in others, you're capable of becoming a leader and an extremely influential person. Use your power well. You're meant to be expressive, you're meant to inspire, to create, to perform, to travel and likely be as many characters as you wish and live many lives, each that caters to your inner child. You can't really go step by step with this, there's hardly any method to it except bursts of energy and inspiration that leads you to where you seek to be. Deep down, you're aware that the only way to live up to this is being a bit strict with yourself, completely accepting your power and contradicting yourself less.
You can easily transmute energy, think of yourself as an alchemist, surround yourself with people and friends who share this vision as well, likey you already are. Stop holding yourself back.
#tarot community#free readings#divination community#pick a card#pick a pile#PAC#pick a picture#pick a card reading#tarot readers of tumblr
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A few different people have been observing that Scrooge begins to change more quickly in the book than is often shown in adaptations. The Spirit of Christmas Yet To Come isn’t the one crucial factor breaking his obstinacy, but rather a final message to drive home a point that Scrooge had already become receptive to. I want to trace the shape of Scrooge’s progress over the course of the book and see what it reveals. (There will be some ‘spoilers’ here, since the story seems fairly universally known even among those who are reading the book for the first time.)
After Marley’s appearance, he is disturbed and discomfited, but still trying to hang onto denial and not face what he’s been told.
With Chistmas Past, adaptations often treat it like a psych session - see, you hate Christmas because you were so miserable during it. But in the book, that isn’t the point at all. Scrooge sees times when he was unhappy as a boy, but he also sees what comforted him during those times - reading and imagination, which his adult self would dismiss asfrivolous and unprofitable - and recaptures his joy in those things. He sees times when he was happy, like at Fezziwig’s Christmas party. And he sees how he’s become the kind of person who made his younger self unhappy rather than happy, and how easy it would to be otherwise.
He sees himself asan unhappy child, and wishes that he’d been kinder to the young boy singing carols at the door. He sees himself happily employed with a kind, generous and personable employer, who could create a vastly more pleasant workplace climate at trivial expense, and wishes he’d been nicer to Bob Cratchit.
And then he sees Belle, and is shown that his unhappiness is of his own making and the consequence of hus own choices. His being the selfish, avaricious person he is is not the consequence of Belle breaking up with him; it is the cause of it. She saw him already becoming that person, and chose not to follow him in that path. Her choices left her a happy, loving and loved woman; his left him unhappy and alone. Scrooge cannot bear this, and rejects and fights the spirit rather than face it.
But he has nonetheless already begun to change. Whereas he initially did not want to go with Christmas Past (“a night of unbroken sleep would be more conducive to [my welfare]”), he willingly goes with Christmas Present and expresses the desire to learn and benefit. He sees people in all manner of circumstances, good and bad, choosing to take joy in each other’s company and the comforts, small or great, around them. Many adaptations fail in this, focusing Scrooge’s attention on the idea that people dislike him (Mrs Cratchit; his nephew’s joke) but in the book Scrooge clearly greatly enjoys his nephew’s party, the nephew is being good-humoured and generous and expresses his goodwill towards Scrooge, and Scrooge doesn’t mind the joke at all. He sees the Cratchits making the best of what they have, and how he is making their lives harder than need be. He sees, in many ways and places, how he could be making others happy and being happy himself, rather than making evrryobe miserable, and it is an appealing picture. And Present calls him out, several times, on his past words and sentiments, and Scrooge repents them.
By the time he meets the Spirit of Christmas Yet To Come, he is already willing and prepared to change, and making deliberate plans to do so. The thing that I think is emphasized through the scenes with Yet To Come, as a driving home of the point, is that Scrooge’s actions up to this point have not only made him and others unhappy - they are an utter failure at getting Scrooge the one thing he had prioritized: wordly security, respect, and dignity. In Belle’s words, his turn to avarice in his youth was in hopes of avoiding the “sordid reproach” that the world has for poverty. He was fine, and even pleased, with being feared rather than loved - what he did not want was to be patronized, despized, looked down on.
And now he sees where that got him! His business partners don’t even care to attend his funeral. Men whose respect he hoped to have gained don’t even give him a second thought, and for the brief moment they do, think ill of him (“Old Scratch” is Victorian slang for the devil). His chambers and even his body are plundered (tomorrow’s reading is even more graphic about this, in some lines, than most adaptations). He’s buried in an obscure, untended, weedy churchyard, because no one cares enough about him to make other arrangements. He has none of the worldly respect, regard, dignity for which he turned to money as a protector. Past and Present showed that he was wanting the wrong things; but Future shows him that he wasn’t even achieving the things he thought he did want, amd was in fact achieving their opposite.
The point of Future, then, is not to convince Scrooge to change. He has already chosen that he desires to change. Future alone, without the earlier spirits, would be supremely ineffective; showing Scrooge that his servant and the people around him hate him, without first showing him that he can be happy and make other people happy, would only make him more of a misanthrope. This is not a “scare ‘em straight,” as some adaptations play it. The point of Future is as a final guard against backsliding, against regret: you are losing nothing by changing, because your current path is losing you even the paltry things you sought to gain by it.
Also, I hadn’t really registered this on previous reads, but this is the very near future - the Christmas one year after the period of the book. This is never stated outright, but Christmas Present says of Tiny Tim, “If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, none other of my race will find him here” - meaning, no future Christmas. And, in the visions with Christmas Future, Tiny Tim has died only a few days ago. In the words of Dante (paraphrased) “the time was perilously short for turning.” The Spirit of Christmas Yet To Come doesn’t teach the lesson - that’s the previous spirits - but he makes sure it sticks.
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💘 Some important tips for each Nakshatra : Never to Do Tips 💘
DISCLAIMER The author name is at the end. I do not remember where I found it unfortunately (it was in my notes app for months fr 😭) tho I know I am supposed to share my knowledge as much as I can and not be a gatekeeper so here it is . I hope it will help you (if you know the author let me know too with the name down below) 💜
Ashwini : Never loose an opportunity to help people in your life, you will meet and learn some very important techniques from a reputed and respected person.
Bharani : Do not share your secrets with anyone. Self control is must.
Krittika : Stand by Truth. Do not entertain, liars, fakers or cheaters or not even try to possess those traits.
Rohini : Don't get too much attached with anything, attachment will cause havoc.
Mrigashira : Do not get disconnected with your parents or family.
Ardra : Learn to work under distractions and pressure. Stay calm in chaos.
Punarvasu : Never disobey Dharma (purpose), always stick to your commitments, you get divine support of universe.
Pushya : Do not ignore your family or your dear one needs while handling bigger responsibilities or social cause. Take out time for them.
Ashlesha : Never misuse your power & Never Curse anyone.
Magha : Never ignore your Pitris (your ancestors). Always do charity in their names.
Purva Phalguni : Avoid getting too much indulgent in pleasures, do your duty faithfully.
Uttara Phalguni : Never break your relationship & Be Kartavya Prayan (loyal).
Hasta : Never get carried away with failure, that's ladder of success for you.
Chitra : Never doubt your potential & don't act impulsive, else you will end up hurting with self.
Swati : Do not poke powerful authorities. Try to stay away from leg pulling.
Vishaka : Never leave the Marg of Bhakti (total faith and devotion) & Keep remembering Bhagwan (the Most High/God).
Anuradha: Never get distracted with too much darkness, sooner or later it's worth experiencing.
Jyeshta : Never misuse your authorities & power, one single mistake can ruin everything.
Mula : Don't get panic, when burdened with lots of negativity, that's the process of bringing clarity, like storm before calm.
Purva Ashadha : Not every war is to win, some are supposed to lift you up. In both victory or defeat you gonna be the same.
Uttara Ashadha : Following Dharma (career/purpose) is right but having a superiority complex can harm you in longer run.
Shravana : Tied up with lots of responsibilities & helplessness, we are born to live or die for a divine purpose, just give your best.
Dhanishta : Never boast or avoid beating the drum of success before its completion.
Shatabhisha : Never sell your soul for gains and profit. Things will turn negative for you.
Purva Bhadrapada : Never rush into conclusion cause what looks on the surface might not be real, try to see deep within. There lies solution.
Uttara Bhadrapada : Simplicity beautifies you, wear it and own it.
Revati : You are the Messenger of God & Bhakt (faith/worship/love). Showing path to directionless people is your real gem. Never sell superstition or blind faiths.
Author :
Mann ki Baat Trishna
Note from the author : Above points are just an observation with my best of understanding.
#vedic astro notes#vedicknowledge#ashwini#bharani#krittika#rohini#mrigashira#ardra#purnarvasu#pushya#ashlesha#magha#purva phalguni#uttara phalguni#hasta nakshatra#chitra#swati#vishaka#anuradha#jyestha#mula#purva ashadha#uttara ashadha#shravana#dhanishta#shatabhisha#purva bhadrapada#uttara bhadrapada#revati#fypツ
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Using tarot to read on magical events in your own practice: quick theory, new card meanings, and spread ideas
this post is OC based on my personal tarot practice; the examples given are hypothetical for the sake of this post.
Well-meaning guy: "If you think that event was a bad omen, why not read tarot to clarify?"
Person who learned tarot from popular online resources and introspection-focused art decks: "I drew the 6/Cups, so I guess my ward falling off the wall is about my inner child?"
Tarot meanings change and evolve over time. Historical meanings are often not the same, or even contrary to, modern meanings. (Consider, 6/Pentacles: the French present moment was misinterpreted to mean presents, gifts).
By acknowledging that many modern meanings available for tarot cards are modern interpretations for modern concerns, many of which have fuckall to do with witchcraft, we can also acknowledge that we can apply our own sets of meanings to tarot to achieve personal interpretations in pursuit of personal goals.
I call this concept symbol sets, and you can apply your own symbol sets to certain tarot readings in order to rapidly obtain information about magical events in your life.
Symbol sets can be swapped out for each reading. You can intend to operate on your "normal meanings" for a typical reading, and then intend to operate with "magical omen meanings" for another reading.
There are no such things as universal tarot card meanings; there are some traditional meanings, some historical meanings, and many modern meanings. Adjust what each card means to you to your heart's delight.
The more symbol sets I've developed and practiced with, the more versatile and accurate my tarot reading has become. Working with custom symbol sets might be the single biggest leap in my reading ability in 16 years of practice. At least, it feels that way!
Quick n' Dirty Symbol Set for Magical Omens, Appropriate for Everyday Use
1. Apply general portents to each suit which matches your magical practice.
Here is one set that could be suitable to troubleshooting potentially magic events:
Swords, or Air: Misfortune, betrayal, malefica, ill-intent, adversity, due to harmful (even if unintentional) spirit action, pointless or wasted effort. Sometimes, banishing, binding and hexes.
Wands, or Fire: A lot of power, excessive power, due to your own actions, uncontained energy, something you did was very much overdone. Sometimes, protection and empowerment.
Pentacles, or Earth: Mundane, physical and normal reasons, an everyday occurrence, mundane but natural growth and change. Sometimes, unlocking and unblocking.
Cups, or Water: Blessings, magic working as intended (even if unexpectedly), the normal course of magical events, magical growth and change. Sometimes, cleansing and purifying.
Major Arcana: Guiding spirits and gods; their behaviors, guidance, or messages.
A spirit worker might like to add an additional layer of complexity, which modifies the prior set:
Court Cards: The actions of another being, such as a practitioner, god, or spirit, whether they acted intentionally to bring about the event or not.
(Further breakdown, as an example: Swords courts are beings intentionally acting badly; Wands courts are the most important spirits of your path; Pentacles courts are mundane folk or spirits unrelated to your path; Water courts are other practitioners, or spirits related to your path without being in your "inner court.")
Interpret any card drawn within these principles. Here are a few random examples. Let's say, a money spell has failed to produce results, and we'd like to know why.
5/Cups [disappointment, failure]: This is the normal course of magical events; the spell wasn't cast well, and so nothing is happening.
9/Wands [determination, boundaries]: A lot of energy was raised, but incorrectly targeted or released; the energy is cooped up.
Judgment [judgment]: An important spirit in your path wants you to deal with what you have been avoiding, and will interfere with your magic until you face them.
Spread Ideas
"What's going on with that thing?" | 3 cards
Card 1: The source or cause
Card 2: The current state of affairs
Card 3: Suggested action
Example; the money jar doesn't work:
Card 1, King/Swords: The source of failure was the person in the discord server who promised to curse you for not feeling the same way about Destiel as they did.
Card 2, Page/Pentacles: The current state of affairs is that as a symptom of the curse, an unaware person or spirit is blocking the prosperity you seek.
Card 3, Queen/Cups: Ask a benevolent spirit or helpful practitioner friend to assist you in unblocking the situation.
Determining responsibility | 2 cards
Card 1: Why this thing happened
Card 2: Why it didn't happen; one thing that wasn't the cause at all
Example; the ward fell off the wall:
Card 1, 10/Pentacles: This happened because of random happenstance in the home; it was not a magical event.
Card 2, Ace/Swords: This action was unrelated to malefica or bad spirits or things like that.
Foresight Before Acting | 4 cards
Card 1: The current state of affairs
Card 2: The outcome of your intended plan of action
Card 3: Recommended plan of action
Card 4: The outcome of the recommended plan
Example; the spirits did not seem to appear during a spirit petition spell:
Card 1, 3/Wands: Sufficient energy was raised to attract the attention of spirits, but they may not have been properly called to action.
Card 2, 6/Swords: Your plan to call the spirits back and re-cast the spell is a fruitless attempt at a transition into a new plan.
Card 3, Empress: Communicate with your primary goddess or powerful spirit of the earth and obtain input and guidance.
Card 4, Magician: This plan will result in obtaining important magical information about this type of summoning spell you are trying to achieve.
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After some thought, it's probably best that SE gave Sephiroth a source of regret that influenced his future life. It is consistent with the events unfolding in Crisis Core and provides more insight into his state of mind following Genesis' desertion.
In Ever Crisis: First Soldier, Sephiroth was faced with a choice: either follow the request to kill someone or allow the people he had grown to care about to die. The decision resulted in a squabble with Glenn and a degree of estrangement. Later, EC Wutai segment shows that the event had left a lasting impact. Not only does Sephiroth appear to be more reluctant to resort to violence first thanks to Glenn, but he is implied to lament the fact that he couldn't save everyone (Rosen).
This contrast is evident in the inner conflict of being praised as a 'hero' (a manufactured image) versus the reality of being one. Sephiroth resolves to embody a true hero, striving to uphold strength and 'save everyone,' avoiding the difficult decisions of choosing who lives or dies as well as the burden of killing or witnessing death under his command. Sephiroth failed to convince Rosen and failed to find another way that brought about no casualties. Even ten years later, he pushes himself to clear a path for cornered grunts, fueled by his insecurity over past failures.
This insecurity also connects nicely to the events of Crisis Core. Sephiroth pushed those missions on Zack because he had a history of failing to persuade someone (Rosen) to change their minds, and the prospect of reliving the same situation while confronted with someone he cared about was unthinkable. It demonstrates that Rosen's case affected Sephiroth, leaving a lasting impression on his actions and decisions.
Even further, the desire to save and prevent casualties is evident in FFVII Rebirth, when the ShinRA squad, led by Zack and Sephiroth, is flung into the mountain stream after the rope bridge collapses. Sephiroth successfully grabs younger Tifa, but is unable to reach another grunt in time. The camera stays on the scene for a while, focusing on his slightly haunted expression.
Following the cut, Sephiroth spends hours looking for his washed-away squadmate. Allow it to sink. After two hours, the rest of the company was still recovering from a dip in a harsh stream, but he was up and about, scouting the cross-country area and going out of his way to find the missing rank-and-file. It's a testament to more than just physical endurance. It strikes a stark contrast to how the episode concluded in the original game, where Sephiroth chose not to search for the missing person, leaving them potentially stranded or deceased. In the remake, it was clear he disliked losing people.
And yet, despite the efforts, it just kept happening. He couldn't save Angeal, he couldn't sway Genesis. By the time he arrives at the Nibelheim reactor, his confidence in his ability to save the day must have plummeted.
It oddly echoes what Cloud goes through at the beginning of Advent Children. And, chillingly, an illusory Sephiroth in Sector 8 in the first part of the remake delivers a biting remark to Cloud:
“You are too weak to save anyone. Not even yourself”.
Which sounds almost projection-like in the context of a broader compilation.
@pen-and-umbra
#ff7 ever crisis#sephiroth#ffvii ever crisis#ffvii ec#ffvii rebirth#ffvii remake#ff7 first soldier#ffvii#ff7#glenn lodbrok#final fantasy vii#ffvii@luv fandoms
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Part of Fortune
The Part of Fortune is an Arabic point in astrology, calculated using the Sun, Moon, and Ascendant positions. In order to see where it’s yours, I’ll say check on astro.com or astro-seek.com. On astro.com you’ll need to go on extended chart selection->additional objects-> select Pars of Fortunae and on Astro-seek.com it’ll calculate automatically once you enter your birth details. It's your personal beacon of joy and success, often related to matters like money and material well-being. This special point gains even more significance when it aligns with friendly planets like Venus and Jupiter. Your Part of Fortune sign represents qualities you should embrace for achieving your goals, and its opposite sign should be avoided for long-term success. Embodying these qualities is crucial for success, as it's a logical and unemotional indicator of prosperity and guides you toward material success and happiness in the later stages of life. Developing these traits consciously can enhance your fortune.
POF in Aries: with the Part of Fortune in Aries, your inner fire is your key to success. Embrace challenges head-on, even if you have to go it alone at times. Trust your intuition and be spontaneous in pursuing your goals. Don't let others sway you; follow your instincts. Take bold action and don't fear failure. This placement encourages you to be self-assertive, confident, and creative, finding happiness in your independent spirit. However, be cautious of letting the opinions of others block your intuition, especially with the opposite sign Libra, which might lead you astray from your true path. Your success comes when you act decisively and prioritize independence.
POF in Taurus: with the Part of Fortune in Taurus, success comes through steady, patient work. Embrace a logical, fact-based approach to tasks, even when emotions run high. When you face setbacks, regroup and persist. Stick to what you know and avoid unnecessary risks. You thrive in a calm, predictable environment, but remember that change is inevitable, so stay adaptable and trust your sense of timing. Your inner peace is a source of strength. The opposing sign, Scorpio, teaches you the importance of embracing change without fear, understanding that transformation is a natural part of life.
POF in Gemine: with the Part of Fortune in Gemini, flexibility is your path to success. Embrace change and diversity, engage with different people, and explore various perspectives. Adaptation is your key to achievement, and success often comes through a series of progressive steps. Networking plays a significant role in your journey, as you find joy and success through communication and connections. Opposite in Sagittarius, you can connect diverse ideas and people. Avoid personal judgments, embrace relative perspectives, and cultivate an open, impersonal view to foster growth and harmonious connections.
POF in Cancer: trust your gut feelings to discern what's right and avoid wasted efforts. While hard work is crucial, combining it with intuition is essential. Nurturing is your path to happiness. Your warmth and maternal instincts shine through, and you find security in building on a solid emotional foundation. Success comes from embracing the beginnings of things, whether it's a project, idea, or relationship. Avoid rushing the process; instead, nurture growth naturally. The opposing sign, Capricorn, teaches you the value of patience and flexibility in achieving your goals, reminding you that the journey is as important as the destination.
POF in Leo: your success blossoms through generosity and optimism. Lead by example rather than preaching, and infuse creativity into everything you do. Connect emotionally to your pursuits, and give without expecting anything in return. Your path to achievement lies in pouring your heart into your endeavors and inspiring others. You thrive as a center of attention, finding happiness in creative self-expression and receiving recognition for your achievements. Avoid imposing your methods on others; let them accept or reject your offerings without attachment to the outcome.
POF in Virgo: your path to success relies on order, diligence, and attention to detail. Address daily tasks promptly and logically, without feeling overwhelmed. Establish a healthy daily routine as it's essential for your success. Take time for introspection to manage sensitivity to others' energies. Avoid excessive identification with others and navigate overwhelming emotions, which may arise due to the opposing Pisces energy. Seek inner peace and truth through careful discernment and mindfulness. Your talent lies in noticing and harmonizing details, and you thrive when nurturing your well-being.
POF in Libra: success thrives through balance, tolerance, and harmonious partnerships. Avoid hasty decisions and the urge to go it alone, especially when starting out. Maintain equilibrium, cultivate diplomacy, and create win-win situations with others. Sharing and caring for those around you is vital. Find joy and success in cultivating harmonious relationships, appreciating beauty, and seeking fairness and justice. Your ability to cooperate and consider multiple perspectives is your strength. Avoid taking desires too personally and strive for a balanced, inclusive approach to decision-making.
POF in Scorpio: success comes from intuition and inner wisdom. Avoid becoming overly focused on material pursuits or status. Your ability to tap into deep, transformative energies is your strength. Trust your intuition and explore the inner meaning of things. You're drawn to exploring spiritual and occult realms. Balance your intense Scorpio energy with the peaceful stability of Taurus (the opposite sign), recognizing the importance of security but avoiding repression. Strive to use your transformative abilities for the greater good and maintain an impersonal perspective to find harmony and inner peace.
POF in Sagittarius: honesty and directness are your pathways to success. Avoid the inclination to lie or act erratically, as these behaviors won't lead to long-term achievement. Embrace adventure, explore new horizons, and immerse yourself in different cultures. Your fortune may come unexpectedly or in unexpected places. Embrace belief and faith, and don't fear taking risks for the sake of learning and adventure. Detach from concerns about what others think and focus on your passions to find joy and share it through example.
POF in Capricorn: success comes through perseverance and a focus on hard facts over emotions. Take responsibility for your path and work diligently to achieve your goals. Avoid getting bogged down by others' actions or negative emotions, as they can drain your energy. Rise above fear and doubt, stay true to your long-term goals, and maintain self-discipline. Your fortune lies in creating lasting value through hard work and dedication. Embrace the role of an authority figure in your life and society, and find joy in the slow but steady progress toward your ambitions.
POF in Aquarius: your success lies in embracing your uniqueness and unconventional approach. Avoid the temptation to seek power and recognition in a conventional manner. Instead, see your differences as neutral and revel in your individuality. Think outside the box, detach from the need for approval, and focus on contributing to your community with innovative ideas. Avoid getting wrapped up in ego-driven pursuits and recognize the power of your detachment and objectivity in freeing yourself from societal expectations. Share your unique insights and ideas to help others liberate themselves.
POF in Pisces: success comes when you embrace a detached approach to your goals. Flow with the universal energy, allowing it to guide your path without trying to manipulate or control outcomes. Be open to changes in your objectives along the way, and avoid taking things too personally, seeing them as energetic reactions rather than personal affronts. By focusing on higher ideals, imagination, and creativity, you'll find happiness and prosperity. Your intuition and connection to the unity of all beings will lead you to success as you align your mind with higher consciousness and let your imagination lead the way. Avoid identifying too strongly with the finite world and instead flow with the mysteries of life.
#astro observations#astro community#astro placements#astrology#all signs#astro notes#for you#asteroid#astrologer#zodiac placements#pof
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Twenty Years Later: Joel Miller x F!Reader - Chapter Twelve
Chapter Twelve: As We Were, As We Are
Plot: Y/n and Joel work to avoid each other in Jackson, until they’re forced together in their most vulnerable state.
Word Count: 13.9k (longest chapter yet)
Warnings: tlou ep.6 spoilers, canon-typical violence, implied smut, suggestive dialogue, blood, guns/knives, wounds, language, ptsd, anxiety, death of a child, (16+)
A/N: Oh, boy…this is the chapter it’s all been leading up to. Every question will be answered. This is the first part of the series I’ve been genuinely nervous to release because it’s so important, and I hope it lives up to all your expectations.
As always, this series is 16+ and I will not be adding anyone to the taglist unless your age/range is specified in your bio. Gotta look out for younger eyes 👀
I hope y’all enjoy this one, I definitely had the most fun writing it ❤️
—————
December, 2023. Jackson, Wyoming.
For as small of a place as the Jackson commune was, it was very easy for Joel and Y/n to avoid each other.
Soon after she returned from the bar with Tommy, Maria announced that it was the town’s movie night and she was going to take Ellie. While Y/n would have rather stayed at the house and hid herself away, she knew the best place to hide from Joel was anywhere a crowd was present.
Inside the mess hall, they’d organized the benches to create rows of seats for the kids. Ellie was seated in the middle, looking back every once in a while to Y/n, who was stood with Maria and Tommy.
After their conversation, Tommy hadn’t pressed Y/n anymore on the subject of Joel. He had observed them from the night they’d met to the minute he’d left the triage clinic. With his bird’s-eye-view of their relationship, he could tell that the torch they’d carried for one another burned still, purely from the passion in their voices when they spoke about each other. The way their eyes came alive when the other’s name was mentioned.
Y/n had allowed herself to switch off, mindlessly watching the movie. The overwhelming rush of emotions she’d felt from both the domestic beauty of Jackson and the reminder that she could never have it had exhausted her. When Ellie would look back, needing reassurance she was still there, all Y/n felt capable of was a tiny nod. There was nothing left in her to give.
At some point during the film, Tommy reached over to tap Y/n on the shoulder and nodded towards the door. With him being the only person she fully trusted, she followed him out without question.
They walked through the light snowfall in silence, Y/n was under the impression he was trying to get her some fresh air. Even the snowflakes, in all their puritan beauty, couldn’t lift her mood. They just felt cold and annoying on her face.
Tommy guided them back to his and Maria’s house, unlocking the door. “WaIt here a minute.”
Y/n nodded, if it were possible, she never wanted to step foot in the house again.
Tommy disappeared for thirty seconds before emerging with a pair of winter boots in hand. Y/n was beginning to grow curious, but not enough to break her vow of silence.
They resumed their path down the middle of town, the lights strung from rooftop to rooftop combined with the decorated pine tree gave it a true Christmas feel. Tommy led them towards a building Y/n had yet to go into, a cobbler’s workshop.
“You pulled me out to help fix your boots?” Y/n asked as they climbed the steps.
Tommy didn’t answer, only opening the door and gesturing for her to enter. Y/n walked in, her eyes trailing the walls before they fell on the center of the room.
Where Joel was sat.
Joel had done a stellar job of not just avoiding Y/n, but his brother, Maria and Ellie. After his last episode, he hadn’t wanted to be around anyone. His busted boot had brought him to the workshop, he’d been pulling at the sole for nearly thirty minutes with no success. With each fruitless tug, his frustrations grew, and so did his tears. It was the meaningless failures in life that brought the deepest ones to the surface.
Y/n and Joel’s eyes met across the room, realization hitting Y/n as to why Tommy had brought her out. She turned to glare at him, seeing no remorse at all on his face.
“The guys said I might find you here,” Tommy said, brushing past Y/n to Joel and handing him the pair of boots, “Figured I’d save you the trouble.”
Y/n ran her palm across her forehead in both frustration and anxiety, turning on her heel and reaching for the doorknob.
“Hang on,” Tommy called, stopping her from moving any further, “Before you storm out of here…” he looked to Joel, “I shouldn’t have said what I said. I don’t even believe it…I know you’re happy for me, it’s just…complicated for you. And I’m sorry.”
Tommy turned his gaze to Y/n, “And you. I wasn’t tryin’ to hurt you, back at the bar, and bringin’ all that up wasn’t my best move.”
Y/n’s hand hovered over the knob, debating whether to run or stay. She didn’t have an explanation for the pull to remain, considering Joel was ten feet away from her, but she listened to it.
Joel didn’t have to question what ‘all that’ Tommy was referring to. If he’d brought it up to him him, he’d surely have brought it up with Y/n. Just knowing they’d talked about it hurt.
“So are you two gonna let me off the hook, or what?” Tommy asked, smiling the same way he had each time Y/n or Joel had bailed him out of jail.
Joel wished with everything in him that Y/n wasn’t in the room. Not with what he was about to say.
“This ride to the university…” he began, “Is it a suicide mission?”
Tommy’s brows lowered, “No. It’s dangerous, but it’s nothin’ you can’t handle. Just prepare and do what you do.”
“You’ve had people go that way and come back?” Joel continued.
“All of ‘em,” Tommy answered, “What is this?”
Joel couldn’t find it in himself to meet Y/n’s eyes. He felt the absence of her gaze, but his drifted in her direction, landing near her boots.
“She’s immune.”
Y/n instinctively tensed up, the two words they’d all swore not to speak suddenly hanging in the air.
“What?” Tommy said in shock.
“Ellie,” Joel replied, “She got infected but she didn’t get sick.”
Tommy flinched, naturally, making Y/n slide her body in front of the door.
“It’s true,” she said, “Fireflies found her up in Boston, she’d just been bit. We brought her in, quarantined her, tested her…” Y/n couldn’t bring herself to look at Joel, only at the floor under his feet, “Then it happened again. I saw it with my own two eyes…that was three months ago.”
A beat of silence added to the tension of the moment.
“She’s immune,” Joel pushed, his voice low and pleading.
Tommy looked between his brother and his almost-sister-in-law, thinking about the stark contrast between the last time it had been the three of them. He crossed the room, reluctantly coming to sit across from Joel.
Y/n, with her hands at her side and her eyes looking anywhere but at Joel, moved to where Tommy had been standing. It was too late to leave now…
“From the beginning,” Tommy requested of them both.
For reasons she couldn’t understand, Y/n’s eyes began to water before Joel even started to speak.
“It was Marlene,” he explained, “She hired us to smuggle her to some Fireflies. It went bad. Tess got bit. She made me swear to take the kid. It was her dyin’ wish,” Joel’s voice wavered slightly, “What the hell was I supposed to do?”
Y/n sunk her teeth down into her bottom lip, that hadn’t been Tess’ final request.
“We made it as far as K.C and then…”
Joel paused, the memories of Kansas City were ones he tried not to look back on, for so many reasons.
“You know, she saved my life there,” he continued, “From another kid.” He intentionally left Y/n out of the story, just addressing the memory of her almost dying overwhelmed him.
“Five years ago, I would have destroyed him,” Joel went on, “But she had to shoot him to save me. 14 years old. Because I was too slow and too fuckin’ deaf to hear him comin’.”
Y/n looked down at the worktable below her, her eyes misting over. It was so easy for Joel to pretend like she hadn’t been there, it almost hurt.
“And I saw…” Joel paused, Henry’s two fatal bullets ringing in his good ear, “I saw a man kill his own brother, to save her, while I just watched.”
Curling her fist against the table, Y/n bit down on her lip until she tasted blood.
“And today, I thought that dog was gonna tear her apart because it smelled somethin’ on her. And all I did was stand there,” Joel’s pace had quickened, “I couldn’t…move. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just…”
Joel, in that moment, wished for a thousand miles of space between him and Y/n. He wished she remained in Jackson and he was back in Boston.
“I was so afraid,” his voice finally cracked.
Two silent tears danced down Y/n’s cheeks like a sprinkle of rain before a thunderstorm.
“You think I can still handle these things, but…” Joel’s voice regained its strength as he watched Tommy take in what he said, “I’m not who I was. I’m weak.”
With all the force inside her, Y/n still couldn’t bear to look at Joel. She couldn’t handle watching him fall apart.
“Lately, there are these moments where the fear comes up outta nowhere and…” Joel took a quivering breath, well aware he was addressing two people, “My heart…feels like it’s stopped.”
The long overdue explanation didn’t feel like a victory to Y/n, it felt hollow. It was coming at the expense of so much.
“And I have dreams,” Joel went on, “Every night.”
“What kinda dreams?” Tommy asked, it was the first time he’d dared to speak.
“I don’t know,” Joel’s tone became breathless with emotion, “I just know that when I wake up…”
Joel paused, trying to gather the strength he’d lacked twenty years ago.
“I’ve lost something.”
There was no longer any story to tell.
This was Joel’s admission of guilt.
“I’m failin’ in my sleep,” Joel cried, “That’s all I do.”
A river now streamed down Y/n’s face, they were addressing all that had happened between them without actually talking about it.
“It’s all I’ve ever done,” Joel whimpered, the faces of the three most important women in his life flashing through his mind, “Is fail her.”
Y/n’s cheeks were red from holding in her screaming sobs.
“Again and again…” Joel trailed off, feeling the weight of Y/n’s pain without seeing it.
“You want me to take her,” Tommy stated, he knew what was coming before they got there.
Y/n’s eyes finally found the courage to fly to Joel, her lips parting in shock.
“I’m just gonna get her killed,” Joel trembled, the fears he’d had to live with the last three months were beating him into cowering, “I know it. I know it.”
Of all the things he’d said concerning the piece of his heart standing across from him, none had hurt Joel as much as the one floating on his tongue, clutching to his throat…begging not to be released.
“I have to leave her.”
In that moment, Y/n was no longer in the shop. She wasn’t in Jackson. Her knees were sitting in dirt, wind whipping at her shirt, her screams echoing off the triage clinic walls…Joel was abandoning her all over again.
She must have gasped or sniffled, because Tommy turned around to look at her. Joel’s tearful gaze finally came up to meet hers, her heartbroken stare piercing his chest. He knew exactly what he was doing to her, the anger that had died out three months ago filling her eyes once again. Except this time, there was so much sadness behind it, Joel’s tears started up again.
Y/n couldn’t stand to hear another word, her own opinion not mattering in the already-made decision. Desperate for Joel not to witness another one of her tears, she went straight for the door, throwing it open and letting it swing shut behind her.
Her mouth hung open, trying to force the winter air in and out her lungs as her head spun. He was doing it, he was leaving her as if she hadn’t ever meant anything to him.
A crunch of snow under another pair of footprints drew her attention to her left. Ellie was moving so fast away from the door, Y/n barely recognized it as her.
“Ellie,” Y/n called, the girl was marching back through town, “Ellie!”
“So he’s just gonna leave us here?” Ellie asked, her voice raised to compensate for the distance between them.
Y/n couldn’t form an answer, she couldn’t defend Joel’s actions.
“You have to talk him out of it,” Ellie said, bitterness seeping into her tone.
“I can’t,” Y/n said, letting the cold freeze what was left of her tears.
“Yes, you can,” Ellie was sounding more and more like the child she should have been, on the verge of losing something important to her.
“Ellie, I can’t,” Y/n practically shouted, the girl was too fast for her, “I can’t make him do anything, you know that.”
Ellie spun around, her face red from the cold air and her anger. “You have to,” she yelled, “He can’t…” her voice nearly caught, “He can’t fucking do that to us.”
Y/n had concealed so much of her history from Ellie, it wasn’t anything she needed to know. The girl looked at Joel like he was everything, she couldn’t shatter the illusion.
With nothing but tears to give as a reply, Y/n watched Ellie storm back off through the snow. She waited, giving the girl a wide berth before heading in the same direction.
When they got inside, Ellie stomped up the stairs, leaving Y/n standing aimlessly in the middle of the living room. She felt so small, so fragile, it was a vulnerability she hadn’t felt in twenty years that only came with someone owning a part of your heart. It was permission she hadn’t realized she’d given to Joel to break her all over again.
Somehow, quite blearily, Y/n made it up the stairs. She stood in the hallway, her eyes drifting between doors. Two options lay in front of her. She could a) knock on Ellie’s door and try to console her or b) go into her room and sleep off the pain till morning.
Despite the twenty years of independence she’d had, Y/n had never felt like she had full autonomy. She was owned by her past, haunted by the choices that she’d been forced to make and the ones that had been made for her. There was a piece of her mind beating her into submission, counting on the trauma to make her cower from facing the truth.
There was a third option, and she strode towards it without hesitation.
—————————
“You’re right. You’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.”
The words struck Ellie like a blow to the chest.
“Now, come dawn,” Joel finished, “We’re goin’ our separate ways.”
He left her there, knowing there were tears pooling in her eyes, knowing she felt abandoned. He knew all of it, and he still slammed the door shut. He was the only one who could see that it truly was the only option where she kept her life.
Joel glanced down the hall, spotting the bathroom, a closet and a closed door, no doubt a bedroom. He didn’t dare go near it, he couldn’t face the demons that lay behind it. Instead, he made his way to the bedroom at the end of the hallway, nudging the door open…
Y/n was sitting on the bed.
Joel froze.
Her elbows rested on her knees, her hands were clasped together. She stared ahead at the carpet, her stare boring into the beige threads with a fire that was intended for the man standing across from her.
Joel had been running from her all day, it seemed like they both had. If Y/n had thought this was her room and had been caught off guard, she’d have jumped, rushing to leave or forcing Joel out. Her stillness told him that this was intentional.
“I want the truth,” Y/n was the first of them to speak, “About that day.”
Joel had made one of the biggest choices in her life for her and it had ruined the last twenty years. If this was the last time she would ever see him, she was taking what she wanted before leaving.
“I need to hear it,” she continued, her voice thick from crying. She finally dragged her gaze up to him, shooting daggers, “I need to hear you say it.”
Joel’s muscles had locked up, every inch of him suddenly running painfully cold. There was no escaping what she wanted to hear, nor did he have to strength to keep it buried any more. The words lay trapped in his chest, rotting between his lungs.
Joel reached behind him and shut the door, not wanting Ellie to hear what was surely to come. He walked towards the bed hesitantly, the first step sending Y/n across the room. Distance was necessary for such an intimate conversation.
Y/n watched him walk, his posture was more drooped than usual. She’d heard Ellie yelling through the walls, no doubt reading him the riot act for his plans. And whatever Joel had responded with was, undoubtably, worse.
Joel took Y/n’s spot on the edge of the bed, sighing to himself and trying gathering his mind. Were they really doing this?
He paused a good long while before beginning his confession.
“After it…” Joel paused, unable to call on the tragedy by name, “After it happened, I couldn’t…see. I-I couldn’t…breathe. Nothin’ made sense any more,” Joel’s eyes were brave enough to look up at Y/n, “Nothin’.”
Y/n kept her arms crossed over her chest, protecting herself the last way she knew how from the ghosts of the past.
Joel clasped his hands in his lap, as if to pray for forgiveness that wasn’t his to have. There was nothing that could soften the blow he was about to strike.
“Somehow, in my mind, when you told me…” Joel referred to another nameless point in time, “What you told me…I knew it was true.”
There it was.
“You’d never lied to me before,” Joel admitted, tears threatening to reveal all his cards, “You wouldn’t’ve chosen then to start.”
He’d known. He’d known the whole time. And he’d still tried to make her feel like a liar.
“I wasn’t thinkin’ straight,” Joel struggled, his chest trembling as he tried to hold himself still, “The pain was just…I couldn’t handle it.”
With Ellie in the room over, Y/n bit down on her lip to stop whatever violent reaction threatened to escape her mouth.
“So instead, you decided to blow up my life,” she said, nodding.
Joel felt breathless, staring into the same weeping eyes he had twenty years ago, watching her fall apart. Except this time, it was controlled. She wouldn’t let herself break until he broke first.
Y/n couldn’t hold back the river in her eyes any longer, the festering resentment building in her like a hurricane.
“Do you have any idea what I went through after you left?!”
The force of her voice startled Joel, but he didn’t flinch. He deserved every bit of her hate, and he would take it all.
Y/n took a rattling breath, the volume of her tone dropping to a hiss, “Do you have any idea what I had to do?”
—————————
October 1st, 2003. St. Louis, Missouri.
By some miracle, Y/n made it home.
After Joel had abandoned her and she’d cried herself nearly into dehydration, she stood up, brushed the dirt off her knees…and walked away. Her apartment complex was near the clinic and she’d snuck back without coming across any army or Infected.
She promptly packed up her backpack, shoving as many dry goods in as she could. She filled water bottles, rolled a change of clothes, a flashlight, a blanket, and a hammer. She didn’t have any intention of hurting anyone, but she was going to be prepared.
The problem was that her car was parked at Joel’s house.
Unhappily, Y/n had snuck into the neighborhood through the trees, the army was still stationed on the highway directly in front of the entrance. When she arrived, cutting through the shared lawn between the Millers and the Adlers, she kept her eyes down. She didn’t think she could handle the sight. She climbed into her car, which was blissfully still there, and started it up.
It took everything in her not to look up at the house, or go inside to say a goodbye.
To avoid the army, she drove her car through the space between the houses, cutting back through the forest and getting onto a side. She couldn’t save Sarah, Joel had left her for dead, but she was determined to find her family.
It had taken a full day of driving, carefully avoiding the army’s various stations, and when her car had run out of gas, two days on foot. But she’d made it, alive and as well as she could be.
Y/n’s parents owned a plot of land that they’d built her childhood home on. The nearest neighbor was a mile away, giving them a decent chance at survival by isolation. Her sister lived five miles away, her brother twenty minutes, but she knew they’d huddle together in such an emergency.
When her weak limbs and weary eyes reached the property, she huffed a tearful breath. The world may have been falling apart around her, but she was home. The sight gave her a new boost of energy and she quickened her steps across the grass.
“Mom,” she called the closer she got, “Dad!”
Y/n hurried up the front porch steps, finding the door slightly ajar. There had never been a moment in their house where the door hadn’t been locked. Her hand hesitated over the knob, afraid of what she might find.
She didn’t really have a choice.
Y/n cautiously stepped inside, “Mom! Dad!”
Her voice bounced off the hallway, echoing into the house. There was no answer.
“Annie,” she called for her sister, then her brother, “Jason!”
She walked down the hallway, finding the tables and knicknacks that decorated it to be as meticulously straightened as ever. It all looked normal.
“Guys,” Y/n shouted, growing more anxious, “It’s me!”
Through the hall was the kitchen, the counters were covered in dry good wrappers and bags. Clearly they were here, the power had been cut and that would have been their only option for food.
Y/n’s breaths grew quicker, “Guys!”
There was a clatter from upstairs, Y/n spun around to face the staircase. Her worst fear was that someone had broken in, killed her family and was stealing any valuables they could. It was a miracle her apartment had been intact.
Another large thud, followed by a low growl.
She wasn’t even thinking about the other possibility.
A humanistic screech sounded through the house before a blurry body threw itself down the stairs, launching itself towards Y/n.
It was her father.
“Dad!”
As her father’s hand swung at her, she swerved out of the way, the rush of air brushing her face. She stumbled backwards into the living room, blidnly reaching for the edges of furniture to topple in her dad’s path. Undeterred, growling and snarling at his own daughter, he climbed over them effortlessly.
“Dad,” Y/n yelled with tears in her eyes, “Daddy, stop! It’s me!
A snarl and another swipe was all she received.
Until the second growl came.
From the other side of the stairs, Y/n’s mother emerged with the same possessed look in her eye as her husband.
“Mama,” Y/n cried, “It’s me! Stop!”
Her mother ran down the hall, her steps wide and clunky. Y/n’s father was heading towards her too, his movements slower than his wife’s.
There was no time to think her decision over.
Y/n reached for her grandmother’s vase, sitting on the end table by the front door and swung it around, smashing it into her mother’s head.
Her mother let out a scream, one of anger rather than pain, and stumbled back a few steps. Y/n shoved the end table at her father, ramming it into his stomach and causing him to drop to the floor. It gave her time to cut across into the home office, sliding under her mother’s arm as it reached for her.
“Mama,” Y/n cried, her tears were long past restraint, “Mama, it’s me…please.”
Her mother stalked forward, too far gone to recognize her daughter.
“Mama,” Y/n pleaded, “Please don’t!”
Y/n was out of time and out of options.
It was either take action or become one of them.
Y/n yanked the hammer out of the open slit in her backpack and slammed it into the side of her mother’s head.
The woman dropped the floor.
Y/n could barely register what she’d done before her father’s growls neared. She looked up to see him, quickly encroaching on her. She waited until her was close enough before jumping to the side, letting him slam into his bookcase and bludgeoning him with the hammer.
Y/n bolted out the glass doors, sprinting towards the stairs and screaming for her siblings, “Jason! Annie!”
More growling came from one of their childhood bedrooms.
Acting purely on adrenaline, Y/n bolted in the opposite direction of the sound, heading for the master bedroom. She ran for the closet, clearing the top shelf of her father’s side to reach his fireproof safe. Her fingers trembled as she punched in the code, the growling getting closer to the room.
The safe door opened, offering her her father’s hand gun as a blood soaked salvation.
A sickeningly shriek filled the bedroom, the lean body of Jason entering and sniffing Y/n out like a hunter would its prey.
Y/n couldn’t afford to think, but she felt the full weight of her decision as she took off the safety and landed a bullet in her big brother’s head.
She stood over his lifeless body, her breath caught somewhere between her heart and her lungs. From behind her, there was more manic growling.
Y/n spun around to find not only her sister, racing towards her, but her parents dragging themselves up the last steps on the staircase.
“No,” she whispered, “No, Annie, stop. Please!”
Her sister screamed, her eyes completely blackened and her nostrils flared in blind rage.
Y/n fired a shot with a shaking hand, causing the the bullet to hit a decorative plate on the wall, ricocheting back across the room and hitting her in the shoulder.
She couldn’t feel the pain.
She couldn’t feel anything.
Because the next three shots she didn’t miss.
When it was over, Y/n couldn’t move. She couldn’t see. She couldn’t breathe. All she could do was stare at the destruction she’d caused. And in her numbness, she didn’t hear the small footsteps, the heaving breaths coming for her…
Her little nephew, Matty, let out a vicious cry as he lunged for his aunt.
“Matty!” Y/n cried, the boy clinging to her leg and unhinging his jaw, “No!”
Y/n reached down, prying him off her leg and holding him in the air, his little legs flailing and his hands clawing for Y/n’s throat.
“Matty, stop,” Y/n screamed through her tears, her pain rising to match the demonic one of her nephew.
She threw him down on the bed and bolted for the stairs, the gun still in her palm. She knew that the next thirty seconds would decide who she would be in this new world, and whether her soul would retire to heaven or hell.
Her nephew flew down the stairs after her.
Y/n stumbled on the last step, landing on her knees and sliding across the blood slicked hardwood.
Matty shrieked.
Y/n raised her gun.
—————————
December 2023. Jackson, Wyoming.
The soft glow of the lamplight couldn’t help the darkness that filled the bedroom.
Joel’s lips were parted, in horror and in sorrow.
The entire expanse of Y/n’s cheeks were painted with her tears. Not a day had gone by since her tragic homecoming where she wasn’t haunted by her decisions. But the last three months, particularly after Henry and Sam’s tragic endings, it lived at the forefront of her mind again.
“I needed you there,” Y/n whispered angrily, incapable of making any louder a sound, “I needed you there to…”
To save her? To commit the atrocious sin for her? To hold her afterwards and tell her she was still a good person?
“You left me there,” Y/n whimpered, “To die.”
Joel felt the weight of the words, each one slicing through his heart the way he deserved. He deserved so much more.
The worst part, was that in all of Y/n’s twenty years she’d spent wanting to hurt Joel, with the opportunity in front of her, she couldn’t…because she understood. She understood what grief that powerful could do to a person. When she had made the choice to end her family’s lives, she lost herself. She couldn’t make sense of a single part of her mind, her heart, what was left of her soul…and twenty years later, Joel’s delusions were perfectly clear to her.
Despite all her efforts, she couldn’t hate his decision. Only the ramifications.
Joel felt like his entire body was made of led, unable to move so much as a finger. Only his eyes seemed to work properly as they rolled tears down his cheeks.
He had abandoned her in a state of unawareness and had doomed her to a life as broken as his. He had condemned her soul the minute he’d walked away from her. The reason for all her pain was him.
The emotions balled inside Y/n, gathering more and more pressure until she couldn’t hold it in any longer. Screw understanding, she had to get it all out.
“She chose me, Joel,” Y/n cried, “She fucking chose me! And you fucking stole that from me,” she pointed at him, “You tried to take her memory away from me like it was nothing. Why the fuck did you do that?!”
“Because,” Joel’s body shot up off the bed, turning to face Y/n, his voice possessed a strength that only came in desparate sadness, “We were so close! We were so damn close,” he drew a shaking breath and ran his hand through his hair.
Y/n stood as still as she could, nearly relieved that Joel was finally being honest with her, but heartbroken all the same.
Joel had kept so many secrets over the years, from Tess, from Tommy…it was the nature of survival. Keeping your cards close to your chest. But he couldn’t take the physical pain, the sick feeling in his stomach, that came with hiding one in particular.
He lowered his voice, his own pain softening the edges of his tone. “Did you know I was gonna buy you a ring? That weekend?” Joel asked, feeling stupid for posing it as question, “‘Course you didn’t. That’s why I was workin’ all those extra shifts,” he pointed a finger in the distance between them, “I was goin’ to get it the next morning…”
That was it. There was no more pain for either of them to feel. This was the great, whopping, life-stealing heartbreak that would steal the last of them.
“We were so close,” Joel whispered, his lip quivering as he bit back his sobs, “And we lost it all. And I couldn’t handle it…” his voice cracked with his final admission, “And there hasn’t been a day on this godforsaken planet that I haven’t regretted it.”
There was ten feet and two decades of space between them, but their minds were back in Austin on that last night, before tragedy struck. The glow of the TV flickered across their eyes, the soft sounds of Sarah’s breaths against Joel’s legs filled their ears, the phantom weight of Y/n’s head on Joel’s shoulder nudged him. It was the start of the future they were never meant to have.
Y/n stopped any attempt to slow her tears, instead allowing soft sniffles to escape her. She pressed a hand to one side of her face, digging her palm into her cheek. Sarah had chosen her as her mother, Joel had chosen her as his wife. They had been on the verge of…everything she’d ever wanted for them.
Joel watched her process his confession, still tied to her soul enough to feel the pain wash over her as if it was his own, because it was. He had felt the gaping hole of her at his side for two decades, knowing he was the one who caused the vacancy. Regardless of whether he ever saw Y/n again, he would carry that scar for the rest of his miserable life…
Y/n fought to draw a breath deep enough to keep her from losing consciousness. She met Joel’s eyes, wet and bloodshot and with all the strength she could summon.
“We did lose everything,” she agreed, the pressure of the lump in her throat forcing the words out of her, “But we didn’t have to lose each other.”
In the three months they’d worked together, risking their lives for Ellie and each other, they’d fought any and all feelings towards one another that didn’t pair well with Joel’s dishonesty or Y/n’s fury. They’d raged just as hard against their past as they had the violence of those against them. And now, with the truth exposed and nowhere left to hide…they felt it all.
Three months spent carefully considering every move they made towards one another, every word thought over with such consideration…they’d been so committed to keeping up their great divide.
There was nothing left to fight.
Only to feel.
Beautifully in sync with one another, Joel and Y/n surged towards one another, colliding in a kiss that could have stretched twenty years and back.
Joel’s arms wrapped around Y/n’s body, one around her waist and one sliding around her back, anchoring her to him. There was a duality to the way he held her; unbridled passion pressing his fingers deep into her skin, his pained adoration reining in the intensity of the touch, as if he was holding fine china. He practically melted as his hands roamed her, letting the full force of his feelings overwhelm him.
Y/n’s body trembled against Joel, her hands holding his wet cheeks as their lips frantically moved together, clashing and submitting to one another so perfectly. When close became not close enough, she wrapped her arms around Joel’s neck, leaving no space between them. She wept into their kiss, euphoria putting every inch of her at ease. She could feel nothing but him and him alone.
As their touches intensified, their lips digging for more and more of each other, Joel maneuvered them backwards. He blindly guided them until Y/n’s knees hit the edge of the bed, the two of them falling back onto it, never breaking from one another.
They spent their night falling apart and putting each other back together. Twenty years and three months of yearning was spilled out into the darkness of the early morning hours, both Joel and Y/n pouring all the love they’d ever felt for one another into each kiss.
—————————
Y/n’s eyes fluttered open, the clouded sunlight waking her up before anyone could knock on her door.
She could feel the absence of Joel without reaching across the sheets.
Sinking her teeth into her kiss-swollen lip, she shut her eyes and drew a slow breath. The night was never going to change either of their plans, it had been a funeral for all they’d never mourned. Neither of them could have afforded for it to be anything else.
It was a comfortable numbness to settle back into, longing for Joel against the reality of their world.
Y/n dressed in the new clothes Maria had left for her in her room, returning to Joel’s bedroom only to make the bed. It was the least she could do.
While she was tucking the quilt in, a knock on the door drew her focus. It was Tommy. Despite the years of separation, they could still read each other like the siblings they’d almost been. Tommy’s sad eyes registered Y/n’s unusually quiet demeanor and he knew that she was feeling the loss of his brother timelessly, just as she would have in 2003.
“Ellie up?” Y/n asked, finishing up with the blanket.
“I think,” Tommy replied, “Haven’t checked on her yet.”
Y/n settled the pillows back under the headboard, smoothing down a crumbled edge of the quilt and stood up straight. She was making the rest of the journey without Joel, but she was still going to hold her head high.
“Gimme a minute with her,” Y/n said, squeezing past Tommy in the doorway, determined not to look back at the room. She crossed the hall to Ellie’s door, gently knocking.
“Come in.”
The second Y/n walked in the room, she knew that Ellie had been expecting Joel in a new state of mind. There was barely concealed disappointment in the young girl’s eyes. Y/n smoothed her hands over her jeans and came to sit next to her in the bay window. Before they took one more step in their journey together, Y/n needed to make something clear.
“I know you didn’t sign up for any of this,” she began, “I know it’s been hard. You’ve seen things that no one should ever see, let alone someone your age,” Y/n paused, this was as honest as she’d ever been with Ellie, “And I know you’ve lost…so much.”
Ellie’s eyes shifted in Y/n’s direction before darting back forward.
“And it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me any of it,” Y/n carefully reached out and placed her hand over Ellie’s, “But I’m not walking out on you.”
Ellie looked up finally, watching the words fall off of Y/n’s lips.
“I’m with you until you tell me to stop,” Y/n continued, giving a small smile, “Even then...”
The side of Ellie’s mouth barely quirked upwards, that was enough for Y/n to know she had taken the words to heart. Since the beginning of their journey, it had been her and Ellie above all else.
Tommy knocked on the door, poking his head in. “Ready?”
Y/n looked to Ellie to decide, waiting until the girl stood to rise with her. Tommy handed Y/n her backpack which she promptly slung over her shoulders. She was thankful, at least, that Tommy was finishing out the rest of the trip with them.
The three of them filed out of the house, it had snowed heavier at some point in the night, creating an even thicker blanket.
“Stables,” Tommy said, beginning to guide them in the direction.
“Hang on,” Y/n said, cutting across the street in a move that surprised herself, “I’ll be right back.”
She climbed the steps to Tommy’s house, opening the unlocked door and entering. She bypassed the living room entirely, making her way through until she found the kitchen, where Maria was seated with a cup of coffee.
Maria’s fingers traced the handle of the mug, staring down at the liquid, “Are you here to tell me my husband will be fine and I shouldn’t worry?”
“No,” Y/n shook her head, “I mean, he will be, but…no. I came to say thank you.”
Maria dragged her gaze up to Y/n, she’d given enough to warrant wondering what exactly she was being thanked for.
“For…” Y/n exhaled, dancing carefully around the memory of the woman holding her as she wept, “For-“
Maria held up a knowing hand, her voice gaining a softer edge, “You’re welcome.”
Y/n hesitantly smiled, the woman had allowed her to grieve in a way nobody else ever had. A simple thanks seemed too simple, but it was all she had to offer. She turned on her heel to leave and let her have her morning.
“Hang on,” Maria called her back, rising from the table and heading down the hall. She returned with Y/n’s rifle and handgun, extending them out to their rightful owner. As Y/n reached for them, she pulled them back.
“You make sure my baby has a father,” Maria demanded, her eyes pleading with Y/n.
“With my life,” Y/n promised, it was one of the truest things she’d ever said.
Maria handed her the weapons, watching Y/n sling the rifle over her back and holster the handgun. She would never trust her brother-in-law, but she wanted to trust the sister-in-law she could have had.
Y/n exited the house, making her way back to Tommy and Ellie as quick as she could without slipping. Upon seeing the returned firearms, Ellie held up her own pistol, somehow mysteriously returned to her. One look to Tommy’s averted gaze told Y/n all she needed to know.
The three of them strode past the animal pens and into the stables, the same melancholy cloud hanging over them. Y/n was ready to take her night spent with the man she loved and tuck it away in her mind as nothing more than a beautiful moment in time.
When she turned towards one of the stalls, she hadn’t expected to see him standing in front of her.
Joel had made a lot of mistakes in his life, a lot. Most of them spanning over the last two decades, but many had come before. The one that kept him up at night, the one he saw in his dreams, the one that would haunt him every hour of every day would forever be leaving Y/n. Not just because he’d lost the love of his life, but because he’d made the decision for her. He’d played with her life in a way that made her still standing and breathing a damn miracle. Somewhere between leaving the warmth of her body in bed and saddling his horse, he’d realized he couldn’t take that away from her or Ellie.
“You came here to say goodbye or something?” Ellie asked.
“No,” Joel replied, still fiddling with one of the saddle straps, “I came here to steal one of these horses and go.”
“I woulda gave you one,” Tommy said.
“I know,” Joel turned to them, addressing everyone but Y/n, “Anyway…that was thirty minutes ago and I guess…” he stepped forward, finally letting his eyes fall on the woman before Ellie, “You deserve a choice.”
Everything at war inside Y/n settled at Joel’s words.
“I still think you’d be better off with Tommy-“ Joel began.
Ellie had heard enough, shoving the bag of food Tommy had packed them into Joel’s chest, “Let’s go,” she looked back to Y/n as she moved towards the horse, “Say yes.”
Y/n nearly smiled at Ellie’s bossiness, her and Joel’s eyes meeting softly. She hadn’t expected him there, but the change in heart, in the way he was handling the situation was even more unexpected and more welcome. She gave a reserved nod, allowing her cheeks to tug her lips upwards.
Joel could never go make up for what he’d done to Y/n. But whatever time they had left together was going to be spent trying.
Y/n turned to Tommy, “We’re gonna need another horse.”
Tommy nodded, unlatching another stall’s lock, leading one of the horses out and handing the reins to Y/n. “Maybe don’t tell Maria about this…” he smirked.
Y/n nodded, “Gotcha.”
The four of them exited the stables and finished readying the horses. Joel and Y/n both helped Ellie onto the one Joel would ride.
“Hold onto both,” Joel instructed, handing Ellie the reins.
“Mm-hmm,” Ellie nodded, her mood had already perked up.
Y/n and Joel came to Tommy, the three of them standing in a triangle. It was the first moment the three of them had shared since the night before.
“General direction?” Joel asked.
“Head southeast till you hit I-25,” Tommy answered, “It’s right off the interstate, shouldn’t be hard to miss.”
There was a brief pause before Tommy spoke up again, “Promise me y’all are gonna stick together.”
Joel gazed over at Y/n, feeling the history between each of Tommy’s words. Under the cover of night, it would have cut right through him. Now, it was a guarantee he could give both of them.
“I promise,” Joel said, his eyes never leaving Y/n’s. It was the first time she’d smiled at him in a long time, and he felt a new surge of strength through him.
Tommy pulled Joel in first, embracing him with a prayer that this wouldn’t be the last time he laid eyes on his brother. He tugged Y/n into his chest after, wishing the same. He couldn’t regain them only to lose them.
Y/n relaxed in Tommy’s arms, wishing they could stay in the safety of Jackson just a little longer. Twenty years of struggle, a little relief, and then back out into the jaw of danger.
“There’s a place for you here,” Tommy said, keeping a hand on Y/n’s shoulder and looking to Joel, “All of you.”
“Countin’ on it,” Joel said, earning a l eyebrow raise from Y/n. He didn’t feel like explaining his answer any further.
Joel glanced at Tommy’s rifle hitched to his shoulder, “Could I borrow that?”
“Yeah,” Tommy reached for the gun.
“”Cause Maria took mine, you know?” Joel added.
Tommy smiled, “I already said yes, Joel.”
Y/n chuckled, she hadn’t missed Joel scanning the firearms on her person.
“Adios, big brother,” Tommy said, taking one last long look at Joel.
Reluctantly, Y/n and Joel rounded their horses. As Y/n slipped one foot into her stir-up and prepared to swing her leg over, two familiar hands fell on her hips, helping to lift her. When she looked down, Joel was standing below her, his eyes tracing the curve of her calf he was holding. Y/n’s skin tingled under his touch.
They weren’t going to analyze it to death, but things had changed.
Joel saddled his own horse, Ellie wrapping her arms around his body, and the three of them rode through town. Tommy followed them to the gate, a few of the residents opening it up for them. With a final shared look between the three of them, Joel and Y/n led their horses out of Jackson’s borders, parting with Tommy.
Y/n’s chest tightened as soon as the gates slammed shut, they’d had a few wonderful hours of sanctuary. Back in the throes of losing their lives, she wanted to run back.
Joel could sense her anxiety, it was so similar to how he was feeling. If the stakes weren’t so high, he would have never left. He took one foot out of his stirrups and nudged Y/n’s boot with his, dragging her eyes to him. He gave a small nod to let her know he was there, for the first time in twenty years, he was with her in any and all ways she needed him.
—————————
It took them a solid day of travel, with sneaky glances and reserved smiles, for Joel and Y/n to start talking.
Closer to sunset, Joel decided to cave and teach Ellie how to shoot with the rifle. She’d practically fallen off the horse in her rush to get on the ground.
“Wide right,” Joel instructed, after Ellie had missed her fourth shot, “You’re flinchin’.”
“The target’s too small,” she complained.
Y/n watched them from beside her horse, sneaking in a quick bite of food. Ellie and Joel were on their knees with the rifle resting on a log. Their closeness and the way Joel was guiding her through her shots wasn’t lost on Y/n and for the first time, she didn’t think it was lost on Joel either.
“I made it bigger than I should’ve,” he told Ellie, “Eject the cartridge.”
Ellie did as she was told, “And I am not flinching.”
“Mm-hmm,” Joel humored her.
“The rifle just sucks.”
“Okay, give it,” Joel said, reaching for the gun.
Ellie gladly handed it over and switched spots with him, “It doesn’t aim right.”
“Mm-hmm,” Joel adjusted his position.
“You’ll see,” Ellie insisted.
Y/n dusted the crumbs off her hands and came to watch, “How can you tell it’s busted if you’ve used it?”
Ellie gestured to the target Joel and Y/n had made her, “‘Cause I should’ve been able to fucking hit that!”
“Ah,” Y/n smiled, “So you’re just that good? Never touched a rifle in your life, but you’ve got the raw talent.”
Ellie flipped Y/n off, settling in beside Joel with a pair of binoculars to spot the target. Y/n moved to stand a few inches away from Joel.
“A deep breath in, slow breath out,” Joel recited, he was ultra aware of Y/n’s presence beside him, “You squeeze the trigger like you love it. Gentle…steady…” he purposefully paused, unable to help himself, “Nice and slow.”
An involuntary heat creeped up Y/n’s neck and landed in her cheeks.
“You gonna shoot this thing or get it pregnant?” Ellie smirked.
When Joel glared up at Ellie and stopped to see Y/n’s reaction after, she kept her eyes dead ahead on the target. The small smile gracing her lips told Joel enough.
“It isn’t gonna work,” Ellie insisted, looking through the lenses of the binoculars, “It doesn’t aim right.”
Joel took a flawless shot, the bullet cutting through the middle of their target.
Ellie’s jaw dropped, “You dick.”
Proud of himself, Joel casually shrugged it off.
“Okay, okay,” Y/n nudged Joel’s leg with her foot, “Now that the amateurs have had their turn…”
Joel let go of the gun and scooted to the side, allowing Y/n the space to kneel down against the log. Even under the circumstances, teaching a fourteen year old how to defend herself in the worst case scenario, with the wind brushing through her air and her brow knit in concentration, Joel couldn’t help but admire Y/n’s beauty.
They had yet to talk about what had happened between them on their last night in Jackson. He didn’t know where they stood, what she was feeling, or the smartest way to go about finding out. Coming back to her and Ellie had been pure emotion. It wasn’t just that he didn’t want to leave them, he couldn’t.
“Hang on,” Joel held up a hand before Y/n took a shot, moving in closer to her, “Posture’s wrong.”
“My posture’s fine,” Y/n said plainly.
Joel decided to test the waters, stretching an arm out around Y/n’s body and sliding his trigger finger over his. His other hand reached forward to envelop hers against the body of the rifle.
Y/n tried to conceal her smirk as Joel wrapped himself around her, her skin felt like it was buzzing and crackling under the pressure of his body.
“Eighth of an inch could be the difference between life and death,” Joel defended his actions, his lips nearly brushing Y/n’s ear.
“Mmm,” Y/n hummed, sucking on her bottom lip and trying to pull it straight.
Carefully, Joel rotated her body a barely imperceptible amount. Through his gloves, he could feel the way Y/n’s pulse sped up under his touch and decided he’d made the right call.
“You gotta think through every move,” Joel said, the depth of his voice rumbling against Y/n’s back, “Don’t rush through it.”
Y/n lined her eye up with the viewfinder, deciding to join in on Joel’s game. “There’s not always enough time. Sometimes you gotta be fast,” she paused, “And firm.”
Joel felt his own heart rate pick up, the adrenaline of their banter sending him back to the night before. But Y/n still hadn’t succeeded in catching him off guard.
“Nobody’s shootin’ back,” Joel said, readjusting his grip on her hands, “You can take your time.”
Attempting to take a steady breath, Y/n fired her shot, the bullet lodging itself a millimeter apart from Joel’s.
Y/n pulled away from the viewfinder, turning her head towards Joel only to find him waiting for her.
“I think I could’ve done that on my own,” she purred.
Joel’s eyes were locked on her lips, nearly admitting defeat and giving into the tension they’d created. “Guess we’ll never know,” he replied huskily.
“Nice and slow, huh?” Ellie interrupted the moment, smirking at them, “Fuckin’ disgusting.”
Y/n smiled as Joel’s head dropped a little, sliding the gun back into his hands and getting to her feet.
“Come on, Cowgirl Jane,” she pulled on Ellie’s shoulders, steering the girl back to the horses, “Saddle up.”
Joel watched the two of them walk back to the horses, his eyes focusing on Y/n’s silhouette as she tugged Ellie’s body into hers. For months, all he could think of was what could have been, what almost had been. He’d never stopped to think that he had something so similar to what he’d lost in front of him the whole time.
—————————
They camped for the night under a rock formation, similar to the one they’d slept at the night before making it to Jackson. Ellie was tired enough to call it a night earlier than usual, leaving Joel and Y/n to themselves…for the first time since their conversation.
They sat across the fire from one another, unable to tear their gazes away for more than maybe five seconds. It had been like that all day, they couldn’t keep their eyes off one another. If a stranger took one look at them, they would never guess they’d been running from each other just 24 hours prior.
“You warm enough?” Joel asked, scanning the layers she had on.
“Mm-hmm,” Y/n nodded, heating her hands by the fire.
Joel settled back against his rock, watching the light of the flames dance across her face. It was the same shade of orange as the bedroom lamp had been.
“It’s rude to stare, Miller,” Y/n remarked, feeling the heat of his deep brown eyes on her.
“‘M not starin’,” Joel replied, a lovestruck smile pulling at his mouth.
“Really?” Y/n chortled, finally meeting his gaze, “Then what’re you doin’?”
It had been three months of avoiding looking at her too long, Joel wanted to take his time and admire every inch of her face for as long as she deserved to be admired, “Somethin’ else.”
Y/n felt the blood rush to her cheeks again, Joel could wield sentiment just as expertly as a gun. It was so tempting to just watch him watch her all night.
But they had to face the music at some point.
“Listen,” Joel started, his gaze darting to his hands in his lap, “About last night…”
“Yeah…” Y/n nodded, hugging one of her knees to her chest.
“I, uh…” Joel looked earnestly back up at her, “I didn’t plan that or anything.”
Y/n nearly laughed, “I didn’t think you did. And for the record, that’s not why I was in your room.”
Joel nodded, never in a million years could either of them have guessed how the night would have ended.
“Do you…” he paused, fearing the answer he knew he might get, “Regret it?”
Y/n knew she was well within her rights to resent Joel, in one way or another. But the thing was, she was tired of holding a grudge against him, of pretending like he wasn’t still engrained in her soul. What happened between them had been unexpected, unplanned and…beautiful.
“Y’know,” Y/n began, “I really tried to hate you at the beginning of all this. I mean, there was a part of me that definitely did but…I never could’ve made good on any of those promises to kill you…” she inhaled, “I’ve spent twenty years just…wanting to scream every time I thought about you. And then at some point, one of the many times I ran that day back in my mind…I understood. Why you did it.”
Joel’s amusement was sucked right out of him, a somber expression capturing his face again.
“It made sense,” Y/n nodded, watching the fire instead of Joel, “‘Cause after I…” she stopped short of the horrific memory, “After I did what I did…I broke. I mean, I shattered on the floor and I never found all the pieces…
“You’re still you,” Joel interjected, unable to help himself.
“Joel…” Y/n smiled sadly at him, “I’m not the same. Neither are you. I don’t think you can go through something like what we went through and not come out different…,” Y/n sighed, “And it’s not fair of me to keep blaming you for what I did after you left.”
The last thing Joel was going to let her do was try and make him feel better about what he’d done to her, “Y/n, I-“
“No,” Y/n readjusted herself against the rock, “Stop. I can be upset you left me, I can be sad about it…but I can’t blame you for the choices I made. They were mine to make and…” she sniffled, “I have to live with them.”
“So, no…” Y/n sighed, “I don’t regret it. Any of it.”
Joel shifted, so unsettled by how the air was shifting. He couldn’t handle the way Y/n was treating him. It wasn’t what he deserved.
“Just…please hate me,” he asked of her, his throat forming a lump, “In some way, just…just a little.”
Y/n knew what self-loathing looked like, she practiced it every minute of every day. She’d never felt something stronger than the way she despised herself, and she didn’t want Joel to drown in the same whirlpool.
Picking herself off the ground, she walked around the fire, nudging Joel’s legs flat against the dirt. She lowered herself onto his lap, rendering him still and speechless.
Joel’s breath caught in his chest as Y/n sat atop him, her gaze travelling across his face and her hand coming up to cup his cheek. He nearly flinched at the softness of her touch, here he was begging for her vitriol, and she was bathing him in honey.
“We don’t always get what we want, Joel,” she whispered, her words crossing the small, small distance between them.
Joel could do nothing but tremble at the sentiment, underlying feelings rising to the sentence’s surface and embracing him. None of it was fair, what he’d put her through, what she’d gone through after, and what had put them there in the first place. He knew he didn’t deserve Y/n anymore, if he ever had, but…he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to love her again with the full force that came with twenty years of missing a person.
It all came down to whether or not he would let himself.
And the way her fingers grazed his cheek and her tender gaze flipped his stomach practically threw him into her arms.
Joel leaned forward, pressing his lips to Y/n’s in a passionate, yet slow kiss. She caught his face in her palms, allowing him to drag her closer till their chests were pressed together. It hadn’t taken long for their bodies to remember the feel of one another. Joel inhaled deeply, breathing Y/n in like she was his life support, and she was. He would forever live and die by her.
When they broke, muscle memory brought their foreheads together. The crackling of the fire and their quickened breaths were the soundtrack to their intimate moment. Y/n couldn’t help the tears welling in her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Joel’s hands sliding up her back, one coming to cup the back of her neck.
Y/n shook her head, biting back a smile as her eyes travelled Joel’s face. “I just never thought I’d see you again…” she whispered, her thumb gliding over Joel’s beard.
Joel turned into her palm, pressing apologetic kisses to the skin. The same thought had echoed through his mind for two decades.
“You still gotta give me hell,” he said in between kisses, “Make me pay for what I put you through.”
Y/n smiled, her skin tingling at his touch, “Stop.”
Joel’s lips travelled to her wrist, “Fire a warnin’ shot every once in a while, just to keep me on my toes.”
“Shut up,” Y/n laughed softly, pulling his chin up to gain access to his lips.
Under the midnight Wyoming sky, they let themselves fall for each other all over again. It would never be exactly as it had been, they were different people, but the core flame remained the same. Joel and Y/n had travelled for twenty years only to find their way back to one another. In every kiss, every touch, there was forgiveness. There was redemption. Above all, there was love that nothing, not even Cordyceps could lay waste to.
When their kisses began to slow, exhaustion hitting them both, Joel pulled back. “Get some sleep,” he brushed a strand of hair from Y/n’s face, “I got first watch.”
“You don’t fucking wake me up,” Y/n smiled, “Ever.”
“No, I don’t,” Joel ran his hands slowly up and down her back. He had a hard time dragging her from peace to the cold reality they spent their waking hours in.
Y/n rolled her eyes and rolled off of Joel’s lap, crossing the fire to retrieve her sleeping bag. Joel watched her every move in daze, fully consumed by his love for her once again.
She dropped her bag at Joel’s side, pointing to him decisively before sliding in, “Wake me up.”
“Okay,” Joel smiled, humoring her. They both knew he wouldn’t.
Y/n settled in next to him, resting one hand on his thigh. She knew they were too vulnerable to ask him to lay next to her, but she needed some piece of him to fall asleep.
Joel sat there, holding his rifle for the first time with a smile on his face. He had ended up right where he’d tried so hard not to be, exposed by his instinctual need to love someone. He glanced down at Y/n and further away at Ellie. He couldn’t say that he regretted falling captive to either of them.
—————————
The next few days went by in a blur of snow-coated landscapes and trees that all looked identical.
Perhaps the most beautiful part of Joel and Y/n’s reunion was the freedom it allowed them. They didn’t have to hide any more behind their shields, they didn’t have to try and find fault in each other. They were unshackled from their grudge and it didn’t just serve them.
“So the way they ran stuff in Jackson,” Ellie asked on their second day of travel, “Was that how things used to be?”
“No,” Joel answered as he guided their horse, “The country was too big for that. Back then, there were basically two main ways of lookin’ at things. Some people wanted to own everything. And some people didn’t want anyone to own anything at all.”
“Most people didn’t even care about the actual issues,” Y/n added, remembering sitting through mind-numbing debates amongst friends at dinner parties or candidates on a tv screen, “They just wanted to argue.”
“So which one were you guys?” Ellie asked.
“Neither,” Joel answered for both him and Y/n, “We just did our jobs.”
“Which was…” Ellie tried to recall the details they’d told them earlier, “Building?”
“That’s right. Houses, stores, that kind of thing. We were called contractors,” Joel replied, nodding to Y/n, “She used to sell me all my supplies.”
“Oh,” Ellie smirked and pumped an eyebrow at Y/n, “That makes sense…you hooked him up.”
Y/n rolled her eyes, “You live in the fucking gutter, child.”
Ellie snickered, before lowering her voice, “‘The Contractor.’ That’s pretty cool.”
“Yeah, we were cool,” Joel breathed, deciding rewriting an insignificant piece of history wouldn’t stunt Ellie’s growth, “Everybody loved contractors.”
Y/n nearly snorted, turning her face so Joel could maintain his reputation in Ellie’s eyes but earned a light kick from him to the shin. When she looked back, Ellie was resting her face against Joel’s back and Joel was beaming. The lover’s eyes met, a silent understanding passing between them that this was the happiest either of them had been since…
Y/n thought to the plastic butterfly that had survived the last three months in her backpack. Joel still didn’t know it was there.
Each night that they camped, Y/n drifted a little closer to Joel until the second after they’d start their fire, she’d settle right into his arms. Ellie continually took the piss out of them, making a suggestive remark or serenading them with an off-key rendition of an old ballad. Y/n would laugh and throw something at her, Joel would watch them both and try to conceal just how much they were bringing him back to life.
When Joel would stand watch, Y/n would be right by his side, unable to be apart from him even in sleep. On the nights where he’d let her take the second shift, desperate for a moment’s rest, he’d lay his head on her leg. Twenty years of separation were driving them together with a force neither of them could fight.
Each day, Joel and Y/n explained a little more about their lives or how the world had worked to Ellie. She absorbed it all as best she could, but it was naturally difficult to imagine a world different than the only one she’d known.
“Okay, so if you mess up your fourth down,” Ellie recited what Joel had explained to her, “Then you give the ball to the other team?”
“Right,” Joel confirmed, “It’s called a turnover.”
“Turnover,” Ellie tested out the word, “But if you make it to ten yards, then you’re back to first down?”
“Yep,” Joel nodded.
“So, basically just moving in one direction.”
“Basically,” Joel replied, “But violent.”
“Oh, well,” Ellie nodded, “There’s that.”
Y/n guided her horse alongside them, “Do you remember that Cowboys game we went to?”
It was the first time either of them had brought up one of the lighter periods of their past. “Tommy’s birthday?” Joel recalled, “Yeah, they barely pulled through.”
“We made it up on the big screen,” Y/n remembered, a smile coming to her face.
“And Tommy was so fuckin’ wasted, he started dancin’,” Joel continued the memory.
Y/n grinned, “We had to pour him into the car, let him sleep it off on the couch.”
Joel chortled under his breath, for the first time feeling like he could look back on the happier parts of his life without feeling guilt. Y/n represented both the best and worst times he’d gone through, the hope and the fall of all his dreams. The light she was bringing back into his space was illuminating all their history, and they couldn’t sustain themselves anymore on grief.
He wrapped the reins around one fist and reached over to Y/n’s horse, pulling her hand into his. She looked across to him, smiling warmly and tightening her fingers around his.
Ellie groaned, making a convincing gag sound.
“Would you rather us try and kill each other all day?” Y/n asked as Joel scoffed.
“That was easier to stomach,” Ellie remarked, though it didn’t really bother her all that much. She liked Joel and Y/n getting along.
They came up on the I-25, just as Tommy had directed them. The city’s outline acted as a homing beacon.
“Well, how ‘bout that?” Joel said, “Made it in five days.”
“Easy days,” Ellie added, “I don’t know what Tommy was so afraid of.”
“Still time to find out,” Joel commented, he was happy, but he couldn’t be delusional.
Ellie lowered her voice and threw on a bad Southern drawl, “‘Still time to find out.’”
Joel glared back at her before she switched to a strained, creepy whisper, “‘The Contractorrrr.’”
Y/n and Ellie shared a laugh, Joel rolled his eyes and dropped Y/n’s hand, causing them to laugh harder. The sound warmed his chest.
They rode another hour before making it to the outskirts of the university.
“Wow,” Y/n muttered, taking in the corroded architecture.
“I know,” Joel agreed, having not stepped foot on a campus since tours in his junior year of high school, “Been a while.”
“‘Home of the Big Horns,’” Ellie read off the sign, “What does that mean?”
“Team mascot,” Joel explained, “It’s a kind of sheep.”
“Oh, see?” Ellie said, “One step closer to your dream. Don’t see any Fireflies though.”
“They’re gonna be further in,” Y/n said, nudging her horse forward to lead them. It had been three months since she’d actually thought of herself as a Firefly. Being with Joel, taking care of Ellie had made her feel like her old self. To put on her other identity felt…unnatural.
They rode through the dormitory section of campus, of all the abandoned buildings she’d seen over the years, Y/n was sure this was the strangest.
“So these places,” Ellie started, “People would live here and like, what? Go to classes and stuff?”
“Yup,” Joel answered,
“Even though they were adults,” Ellie struggled. FEDRA recruited straight out of high school. College was, truly, an alien concept to her.
“Sort of adults,” Joel clarified, “I think it was just as much about partyin’ and findin’ themselves as anythin’ else.”
“Hey, hey,” Y/n spoke up, “Some of us were studious.”
Joel smiled, “Alright. And figurin’ out what they wanted to do with their lives.”
“What they wanted to do with their lives,” Ellie repeated, chuckling to herself.
“It didn’t always go that way,” Y/n added, “I mean, I went for four years, got a degree and it stayed on a wall. I never used it. Ended up in a hardware store.”
“So why go?” Ellie asked.
Y/n shrugged, “Like he said, you try to find yourself at that age…” she hesitated to continue, “I didn’t find myself till much later in life.”
Joel knew exactly what she was referring to, transporting himself somewhere between their first date and their last kiss.
“So I’ve been thinkin’,” he spoke up.
“Mm-hmm?” Ellie hummed.
“I don’t want a sheep ranch, actually. I mean, if the deal is I can do anything?”
Ellie looked over his shoulder up at him, “That’s the deal.”
“Well…” Joel was about to reveal the very last secret he’d been keeping, “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer.”
“Shut up,” Ellie laughed.
Joel looked back at her, “Why is that funny?”
“You gotta sing something now,” Ellie said.
“No.”
“Oh, you can’t just drop that on her and run,” Y/n grinned, “C’mon, hit us with a little Patsy Cline.”
“Yeah, c’mon, man,” Ellie joined in, “I’m not gonna laugh.”
“You’re already laughin’,” Joel pointed out.
“Yeah, okay, true,” Ellie replied, it was just too funny to think about dark, brooding Joel belting out an 80’s pop song or a 90’s grunge anthem, “Well, you’re singin’ for us later. I’m gonna save the fuckin’ world, man. It’s the least you can do for me.”
“I can’t top that,” Y/n smiled, “But I’ll make your life a complete hell if I don’t get to hear that voice again.”
Joel smirked, looking between the two women who could make him do just about anything, “Fair enough.”
Y/n and Joel drove their horses deeper into campus, coming up on what would have once been considered the quad. Now, there were wild animals freely roaming the frozen grass.
“Are those monkeys?” Ellie excitedly asked.
“Must be from the old labs,” Joel considered.
Ellie laughed as they chased each other away, “Look at them go.”
“First time seein’ a monkey?” Joel asked.
“First time seein’ a monkey.”
Y/n was a few feet ahead of them, scanning for her west coast counterparts. Spray painted on some signage, she spotted the Firefly symbol.
“Hey,” she called back to Joel, who was already coming to her side, “Look.”
Ellie sighed, “Here we go…”
Joel and Y/n kept their rifles against their chests as they followed the path, Y/n continued to ride ahead of them to handle any of the talking.
“Guard stations,” Ellie observed.
“Empty,” Y/n added, a twinge of suspicion lacing through her stomach.
“Uh…” Ellie dragged out the non-verbal question.
“Yeah,” Joel confirmed.
“Gun?”
It was foolish to think that their happiness would last the whole way to the base without a hint of trouble. “Yeah,” Joel sighed.
Y/n slid off her horse first, tucking her reins with Joels between a tree and its branch. The two of them shared a look, tender yet hardened as they removed their gloves to handle their guns better.
“Stick behind us,” Y/n ordered Ellie, who already knew the drill.
Joel and Y/n walked side by side, their pistols unholstered, as they entered the main building. The inside was utter destruction, everything from medical equipment to vials and medication bottles strewn across the floor.
“There were definitely doctors here,” Ellie said, picking up a small box from one of the carts left standing.
Joel picked up a file, flipping the manilla folder open and finding a piece of yellow pad paper.
“This is a packing list,” he explained, “Somethin’ you make before moving.”
He turned it to Y/n, who examined the contents of the list. Marlene had moved the Firefly base in Boston a few times before they’d found their home, their lists were nearly identical to this one.
“They just left?” Ellie asked.
There was a metallic clang from somewhere on a floor above them, all of their muscles tensing at the sound.
“Maybe not all of ‘em,” Ellie looked to Joel and Y/n.
The three of them carefully climbed the stairs, following the noise to the third floor. Joel managed to get ahead of Y/n, making himself a human shield. The same mess that littered the ground floor was scattered down the hall. Something, or someone, had cause the Fireflies to leave in a hurry.
Pausing outside the room in which the sound was coming from, Joel held up a hand to Ellie. Y/n scrunched down, sneaking past the doors and coming to stand on the other side. She and Joel shared an affirmative nod, drawing their guns and slowly entering the room.
Where the monkeys revealed themselves as the noisy culprits.
“Jeez,” Y/n breathed.
“Well,” Joel sighed, “At least it ain’t Clickers.”
“Yeah, no Fireflies either,” Ellie began to roam the room, “Maybe in all that research, they turned into fuckin’ monkeys.”
Y/n put her hands to her hips, throwing her head back to stare at the ceiling. She wracked her brain for anything, any piece of information about the base out west. An emergency evacuation plan, a second meeting place…
“You got anything?” Joel asked, seemingly telepathic.
“Nothing,” Y/n replied, scrunching her eyes shut, “I’ve never been privy to all of Marlene’s secrets.”
The two of them began to examine the room, Y/n was drawn to a cork-board with papers pinned to it. There was a map of the country in the middle with thumbtacks leading a path all the way to Salt Lake City.
“Hey,” Y/n called for Joel and Ellie.
“That’s where they went?” Ellie pointed her gun towards Utah.
“All the pins lead there,” Joel observed, “Maybe gettin’ ahead of the weather…better facilities? I don’t know.”
Y/n shook her head, “I mean, I don’t remember there being a base out there but-“
A set of unfamiliar voices interrupted her thought.
Joel and Y/n hurried to the window, barely peeking out enough to spot a group of raiders outside.
“Out the back,” Joel ordered, the three of them quickly rushing out the room.
They filed down the stairs and out the back entrance of the lab, taking shelter behind old sandbags as they listened for the raiding party. When all they heard was silence, Joel led them to the next point of safety.
“Ready?”
Y/n and Ellie nodded, guns drawn and ready to make their grand escape.
The three of them ran across the distance to where they’d left their horses. Joel and Y/n quickly holstered their rifles while Ellie tried to keep their animals calm.
“Joel! Y/n!”
Ellie’s cry caused them to spin around, one of the raiders had snuck up on them. He swung a lead pipe around, Joel pulling Y/n out of the way just in time before it collided with her skull. Y/n reached for her rifle again, ramming it in their attacker’s stomach, causing him to stumble. Joel took the opportunity to lunge at him, slamming him up against the tree. He took a shiner to the chin before flipping the raider in his grip and cutting off his airways with a chokehold.
“Get her,” Joel grunted to Y/n as the man struggled against him.
Y/n ran to Ellie, who had her gun aimed with a shaking hand, and pulled her back from the danger.
Joel waited until the raider was too weak to fight back before snapping his neck with a sickening crack and dropping him to the ground. He turned around to Y/n and Ellie, his chest rising and falling in heaves.
They were both staring at his abdomen in horror.
He looked down in confusion, a knife sticking out of him.
The world seemed to stop, for all of them, as realization hit in different ways. Joel grabbed hold of the dagger’s handle, pulling it out of him with a grunt. His blood began to pour out of him.
Y/n’s slackened jaw trembled, watching it all unfold as Joel’s eyes flew up to hers.
“Joel,” Ellie cried, the only one of them still thinking clearly and spotting the other raiders coming up on them, “Get on the horse.”
Joel managed to take a few steps forward while Y/n rushed to her own horse. He mounted his horse, letting out a blood-curdling cry of pain that, despite all their instincts, neither of them could stop to care for.
“El,” Y/n called as she mounted her own animal, “Go!”
Joel and Ellie began to ride off with Y/n not far behind, she was trying to manage the horse and shoot. Most of her shots landed at the ground around the raider’s feet.
Ellie took a few shots as well, “Get back!”
One fatal bullet hit one of the men, a warning to the others that may try to follow them.
Looking back for a split second, Y/n made a shot that cut through one of the raider’s legs. She spun back around to urge her horse forward.
“Joel,” Y/n shouted, “Ride.”
Through the shock that was beginning to hit his system, Joel could still understand her. He nudged the horse forward, their speed picking up and creating a wider berth between them and the men chasing after them.
It took them twenty minutes of riding until they were sure they’d lost them.
“They’re not following us,” Ellie said, looking to their rear, “I think we’re safe.”
Y/n looked over at Joel, his eyes were glazed over as he hunched over the reins of the horse.
“Joel,” she called, as if she could warn him of what his body had already set in motion.
He slipped from his horse before Ellie or Y/n could do a thing.
“Joel,” the girl cried, “No, no, no, no, shit!”
He fell to the snow with a grunt, his vision going black, the last thing is ears registered being-
“Joel!”
Y/n rushed off her horse, beating Ellie to his body and kneeling over it. His skin had turned three shades paler than his usual glow, Y/n felt his deathly cold cheeks and began to cry.
“No, no, no,” she mumbled, tapping his face firmly, “Joel, wake up.”
“Joel?” Ellie called him, kneeling on his other side, “Joel?”
Y/n was sane enough to examine his wound, blood spilling out of it at an uncontrollable rate.
“Shit,” she whimpered, “Ellie, his hands.”
Ellie covered Joel’s hands and pressed down on the hole in an attempt to stop the flow.
“Joel, open your eyes,” Ellie ordered, leaning over his face, “Open your eyes. Joel, you gotta get up.”
Panic mounted in Y/n quicker than it ever had, her mind flashing back to Outbreak Day, the last time she’d felt the life slip from someone she loved.
“No,” she begged, her tears falling onto Joel’s cheeks and rolling down his own face, “Joel, come on. Please, wake up.”
“We can’t fuckin’ do this without you,” Ellie began to choke on her own cries, “We don’t know where the fuck we’re going, what the fuck we’re gonna do…”
They needed him.
Ellie let out one more heartbreaking croak of his name, “Joel.”
Y/n pressed her forehead to his as if she could will her life into him. She couldn’t go twenty years missing him, get him back only to have him ripped from her.
“Joel, please,” she whined, “Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me.”
They sat in the snow, begging him to do something he couldn’t.
Y/n fought against the fears bubbling in her throat, ready to swallow her. She had to think clearly and quickly if they had any chance of saving him.
She wrenched her backpack off her body, frantically pulling at her jacket until it was off her too. “Ellie,” she sniffled, “Lift his shoulders.”
Ellie crawled above Joel’s head and strained to lift him, Y/n forced and shimmied her coat underneath him, yanking it until it was around his lwoer back. She pulled the sleeves around to his front, lined them up with the wound and tied a tight knot. A makeshift tourniquet.
“We gotta get him on the horse,” Y/n thought out loud, trying to think of the best way to move him, “Bring one of ‘em down.”
Ellie ran to retrieve Y/n’s horse, leading it back to the dip in the land they were on. Y/n brushed a hand over Joel’s cheek again, praying he stayed unconscious for the next part.
“I’m gonna get him to his feet,” Y/n instructed through her tears, “You’re gonna keep the horse steady, then you’re gonna help me get him on, okay?”
“Mm-hmm,” Ellie nodded, just as emotional as Y/n.
“Okay,” Y/n wrapped one of Joel’s arms around her shoulders and hoisted him to a seated position, “C’mon, honey. Come on.”
Joel’s head lolled backwards, his lips were turning blue. It was better to try and keep him awake.
“Joel,” Y/n said into his ear, loudly, “Joel, c’mon, stay awake for me.”
She got to her feet, calling on a supernatural strength she didn’t know she possessed and getting Joel upright, only for his knees to go out. Ellie was quick to take hold of his other side, doing her best to keep him up. She and Y/n strained ahead to their horse, until it was time to lift him.
Y/n mounted the animal first, they’d gotten Joel leaned up against it and Ellie was keeping him steady. “I’m gonna pull, you’re gonna push, okay?”
Ellie nodded.
“Go,” Y/n ordered, pulling Joel by his armpits up onto the horse with her. He let out a muffled groan as they did, a sad, but good sign. Ellie strained as she helped to lift him the rest of the way.
“I got you,” Y/n lowered him onto her back, the full weight of him pressing into her, “I got you.”
Joel’s head fell forward against Y/n’s shoulder, knowing even through his haze that it was a safe place to be.
“Where do we go?” Ellie asked, having grabbed Y/n’s backpack and mounted her horse.
Y/n looked at the area around them, hopelessly clueless as to what their next move was. Joel wouldn’t make the five day ride back to Jackson, and they couldn’t go back to the university. It was uncharted waters, whichever way they went.
“We find somewhere we can hide,” Y/n decided, on the verge of hyperventilating, “Anywhere.”
“We passed that neighborhood on the way,” the girl recalled.
“Yeah,” Y/n tugged Joel’s arms around her waist, “Yeah, let’s try there.”
The two women urged their horses forward, somewhere between a sprint and a trot, cutting through the woods beside them to head back to their original route. Y/n clutched Joel’s hands, interlocking her fingers with his, determined not to let him die in her arms.
She wouldn’t.
She couldn’t.
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TYL Taglist: @bachiracore @stolenxkissess @kayleezra @the-wistful-reader @allthesesonsofbitches @goth-detectives365 @trippovert @rh1nestonecowg1rl @emiliaserpe @khaleesihavilliard @frietiemeloen @gracie7209 @dorck26 @thegirlnextdoorssister @alanis-altair @mariwinns16 @whosscruffylooking @endofthexline @alexiaricciardo @eonnyx @pedrosmexicangf @scarlettequinn @ao-sleepy @toinfinityandbeyonce2 @deanlovescassie @turmoil-ash @sorrowjunky @kpopslur @xxlilyxx90 @midgetpottermills @presidential-facts @scoopsnini @tubble-wubble @jamesdeerest @burninggracesandbridges @star-wars-lover @lucyhotchner @cococola-cocaine @witheringhqarts @fall-writes @alwaysdjarin @xxmoonn @emilia-the-artist @wand-erer5 @boneyarrd @lizard-zombie @itwasallinmyhead1 @cassidylea123 @paleepeaches @mxltifxnd0m @kettlekatie @ultimate-cinephile @gloryekaterina @caramelkatsukis-bitch @whovianayesha @memeorydotcom @deadunicorn159 @get0ut0fmyr00m @siriuslymooned @emmyeed @superbreadsoul @hellu-people1 @ourautumn86 @inas-thing @noraapple05 @givemylovetoall @luvwanda (tags cont. in comments)
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x f!reader#joel miller x female reader#joel miller imagine#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller fanfic#joel miller fic#the last of us imagine#the last of us fanfiction#the last of us fanfic#the last of us fic#twenty years later
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SELF TALK. Replacing the NEGATIVE things we say to ourselves with POSITIVE words 🦄💜✨✨
When we say bad things about ourselves, our minds and bodies pay attention and start believing those things. It's like a cycle. When we keep telling ourselves we're not good enough or can't do things, our minds start thinking it's true. These bad thoughts can make us act in ways that match what we believe, like avoiding things because we think we'll fail. Over time, our brain gets used to these thoughts and they become a regular part of how we see ourselves.
But if we say good things to ourselves, it can be really helpful. When we're kind in how we talk to ourselves, it can make us feel better and stronger. It's like giving ourselves a little boost of confidence. When we're positive, we can handle problems better and feel less stressed. When we believe good things about ourselves, we might do better in different situations. So it's important to notice how we talk to ourselves and try to say nice things, even if we don't always feel that way.
Negative: "I always mess things up." Positive: "I sometimes make mistakes, but I also learn from them."
Negative: "I'm so stupid." Positive: "I'm smart and capable; everyone makes errors."
Negative: "I can't do this; it's too hard." Positive: "I can handle challenges with effort and perseverance."
Negative: "I'll never succeed in anything." Positive: "I have the potential to achieve my goals through hard work."
Negative: "Nobody likes me." Positive: "I have people who care about me and value my company."
Negative: "I'm a failure." Positive: "I've achieved many things and will continue to grow."
Negative: "I'm not good enough." Positive: "I am enough just as I am, and I'm constantly improving."
Negative: "I'm a burden to others." Positive: "My presence and contributions make a positive impact."
Negative: "I always mess up social situations." Positive: "I can connect with others and enjoy social interactions."
Negative: "I'll never get over this." Positive: "I can heal and move forward from difficult situations."
Negative: "I'm so ugly." Positive: "I am unique and have qualities that make me attractive."
Negative: "I'll never be as good as them." Positive: "I have my own strengths and talents that are valuable."
Negative: "I'm a loser." Positive: "I have the courage to try and the ability to succeed."
Negative: "I'm always so awkward." Positive: "I am learning and growing in social interactions."
Negative: "I can't handle criticism." Positive: "I can learn from feedback and use it to improve."
Negative: "I'm too lazy to accomplish anything." Positive: "I have the energy and determination to achieve my goals."
Negative: "I'll never be happy." Positive: "I can find joy and contentment in the little things."
Negative: "I'm a failure as a parent/friend/partner." Positive: "I care and do my best to support those around me."
Negative: "I'm too old/young to do that." Positive: "Age doesn't define my ability to pursue my passions."
Negative: "I don't deserve good things." Positive: "I am worthy of happiness, success, and positive experiences."
Negative: "I'm a failure because I haven't achieved enough." Positive: "I'm on my own path of growth and accomplishments."
Negative: "I can't handle stress." Positive: "I am resilient and can manage stress with effective strategies."
Negative: "I'll never be as talented as others." Positive: "I have unique talents that make me special."
Negative: "I'm so clumsy." Positive: "I am improving my coordination and skills."
Negative: "I'm too shy to make friends." Positive: "I have qualities that others appreciate and I can connect with people."
Negative: "I'm not good at anything." Positive: "I have strengths and abilities that I can develop."
Negative: "I'm a burden on my family." Positive: "My family supports me and we help each other."
Negative: "I'll probably fail, so why bother trying?" Positive: "I have the courage to take on challenges and learn from them."
Negative: "I can't trust anyone; people always let me down." Positive: "I can build meaningful and trustworthy relationships."
Negative: "I'll never find love." Positive: "I am deserving of love and can create meaningful connections."
Negative: "I'm not creative at all." Positive: "I can express my creativity in different ways."
Negative: "I'll never be able to speak in public." Positive: "I can develop my public speaking skills with practice."
Negative: "I don't deserve success." Positive: "I am capable of achieving success through hard work."
Negative: "I'm so disorganized." Positive: "I can improve my organization skills with time."
Negative: "I'll never be happy with my body." Positive: "I can make healthy choices and appreciate my body."
#self talk#self development#self esteem#self worth#self help#self improvement#self love#personal improvement#personal growth#personal development#positive mindset#think positive#positive quotes#affirmations#law of manifestation#how to manifest#manifesation
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ranchers au of the story of a woman who'll marry whoever can get the key off her cats neck
except it's tango, who is a magician of sorts so he's highly sought after, so he comes up with this test of whoever can get the key he'll marry. people start setting traps and whatnot. most of them tango avoids with ease, but he gets caught in one. depressed, he waits for the inevitable downfall.
only, the person who finds him isnt the one who set the trap. a man finds him, and, aghast at the sight, let's tango go. later in town as jimmy recounts this happenstance everyone around him angrily tells him off because he's squandered this perfect opportunity, and this is how Jimmy finds out about the contest.
he thinks the contest is rather upsetting, because how could someone set the whole town against a poor cat like that?
jimmy takes it upon himself to take care of the cat. he listens as people brag about traps so he can find them and dismantle them. he leaves food and fresh water out when he can, and sets up a small shelter for when it rains. he can't imagine that the cat will use it, with it looking so obviously like a trap, but he sets it up anyway.
he gets a rather negative reputation in town because of this. but instead of backing down, jimmy instead snaps back about what kind of person tango must be, to pit the whole town against an innocent animal! because of the pushback from the townspeople he gets rather righteous about his position.
his opinion is cemented further as the cat slowly learns to trust him. sometimes Jimmy rants to the cat about his neglectful and cruel owner.
time passes. many people in town give up on their endeavors. they set traps, but can't afford to check them frequently. they're too busy working. jimmy gains the cats trust and the cat hides in the shelter he built it. eventually, the cat even walks into his home.
jimmy all but adopts this cat, at this point. he feeds it, cares for it, makes sure it's safe during storms and warm on cold nights. the cat hangs around him all the time, the key dangling from its neck. it's startling, the first time the cat jumps on his lap, but jimmy rewards this trust with lots of pets and nothing else.
the cat grows bolder. it bumps it's forehead against jimmy's hand, curls up on jimmy's lap, and yowls for food at the crack of dawn. it leaves the house but never for longer than a day, always returning with an expectant gaze.
Jimmy tries to ignore the key but he grows restless. this tango guy hasn't even asked about his cat, and Jimmy's been caring for it for ages! He knows the key is to tangos house and is only for the winning suitor, but after the weather turns cold and jimmy despairs about how the cat would survive in such extreme weather without help, he takes the key and stomps up to tangos house to give him a piece of his mind.
it's a long, winding path. The cat follows him the whole way, which is odd, since the cat usually only follows Jimmy when he's safe at home. jimmy reaches the house and he knocks first, he has manners, but after no answer he unlocks it and storms in.
only, the whole place is empty. it's clean, someone clearly lives here, but there's nobody home. jimmy deflates. the cat jumps on a large cushioned chair and stares at him.
jimmy slumps over to the cat and pets it, mumbling about what to do next. he does one final sweep of the house (in jimmy's opinion, if tango wanted privacy he wouldnt have put his key on a cat!). and when he turns back to the cat, hands on his hips and ready to announce failure, his cat isn't... there. in it's place is a man with fiery red hair and a smirk firmly upon his lips.
jimmy has his moments of foolishness but he's not dense. he makes the connection. he realizes, and gapes at the man -- at tango, who's been the cat all along.
tango teases him about marriage and jimmy flusters. the two of them finally get to know each other outside of the contest and tango is firm in his reward, announcing it to the townspeople (many of which are furious at Jimmy, loudest anti-tango spokesman around, being the winner).
and jimmy and tango fall in love and live happily ever after the end.
and yes, jimmy is incredibly embarrassed about unknowingly insulting tango to his face. tango, for his part, found it hilarious and it actually endeared him to jimmy, since jimmy was so furious on the cat's behalf.
#team rancher#solidaritek#something i would love to write a full on fic for. alas#snippets#please dont write this idea!! i might write it eventually :]#if u wanna do the general au of the cat + marriage + whatever then ofc go for it but just not. this exact plot#ty#trafficshipping#trafficblr
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Positive Psychology OC Ask Meme
I made Askbox Questions out of one of my psych text books to help develop characters for workable storytelling.
Send some Virtues and a Character !
MINDFULLNESS– Do they live in the moment? What keeps them present?
SELF-EFFICACY– Does the end justify the means? How to they approach their goals? Do they blame others for their own faults or admit them?
RESILIENCE– How do they handle loss or failure? What helps them stay resilient and bounce back from loss or failure?
GROWTH – What would it take for them to change their mind or perspective? Do they recognize when new paths open for them, or stick to their preferred paths?
WISDOM– Are they open to other people’s perspectives? Do they look to history and past mistakes? What kinds of internal dialogue do they have about difficult situations?
CURIOSITY– How thoroughly do they explore new places, things, or ideas? Do they go out of their way to learn new things?
OPEN-MINDEDNESS– How do they deal with disagreement? How do they balance different perspectives?
LEARNING– What are they interesting in learning about, if anything? What hobbies and skills do they have? Do they know how to make themselves happy?
CREATIVITY– How do they go about solving problems? What is something they enjoy doing so much that they can lose themselves for hours doing it? Pick an object in your space: would they know what it is, and if not how would they go about figuring it out?
BRAVERY– What kinds of risks do they take? What are they willing to risk to help a stranger? Do they consider the cost-benefit of a risk?
PERSEVERANCE– Do they believe success is based on innate ability, or learning to overcome the obstacle? Do they know when to quit? What are ways they identify their weaknesses and strength?
VITALITY– Are they introverted, extroverted, or ambiverted? Are they more active or passive? What do they do to stay energetic? (NOTE: introvert does NOT mean they don’t like people, it means they need time alone to regain their energy for social situations).
INTEGRITY– Do they stand firm in their beliefs? Would they lie or refrain from disagreeing to avoid confrontation?
AUTHENTICITY– What are sub- and unconscious things that make them who they are? Who can they be themselves with, and who do they wear a mask for? What kinds of social roles do they perform?
HONESTY– What kinds of small lies do they tell others? What lies do they tell themselves? What is the biggest lie they’ve told?
SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE– Do they experience emotional empathy (innate ability to feel emotions for other people's feelings, i.e. happiness at success, grief at loss, etc), or cognitive empathy (may not feel grief but has a logical understanding that loss is painful, may not feel happy but has an innate understanding that someone’s success is a celebrated thing)? Are they aware of their own emotions and reactions? How well are they able to manage their emotions?
LOVE– What attachment styles do they experience? How involved are they in their friends, family, and loved one’s worries, hopes, or goals? Do they turn to their loved ones for support? Do they let people who love them help them?
KINDNESS– Do they go out of their way to do favorable acts for other people? Do they treat themselves?
FAIRNESS– How do they determine what is right? Do they care about what is right?
CITIZENSHIP– Do they prefer to look out for themselves or be part of a community? Are they willing to work with others fairly to reach a shared goal?
LEADERSHIP– Do they have clear, set goals? Do they take the consideration of others, or do what they will? Would they go out of their way to meet the individual needs of people around them, or create a more standardized all-in-one solution?
SELF-CONTROL– How easy is it for them to perform a new task well? If they want something, how hard is it for them to wait?
PRUDENCE– How far ahead do they plan? Are they able to strategize future potential factors? Do they go out of their way to ask for clarification, or simply assume they know what they’re doing?
HUMILITY– Are they open to seeing their own faults when others point them out? Are they realistic about themselves, or do they inflate negative or positive values? What is something they are genuinely proud of?
FORGIVENESS– Do they obsess or linger on the bad things that someone did to them? Do they allow change to take place after they have been hurt, or do they fight against it? What negativities dictate or direct their decisions or life?
HOPE– Do they look at their past accomplishments as evidence or inspiration for success? What inspires them to move forward?
HUMOR– Do they know how to diffuse tension appropriately, or do they make things worse? Do they let themselves have fun?
APPRECIATION– What kind of accomplishments do they recognize? What things do they find beautiful or attractive? Which of their senses do they find most joy engaging with?
GRATITUDE– Do they thank people out of obligation, or because they are actually thankful? What is something they are most grateful for in their life? What sorts of things should they be more grateful for?
MEANING– Where do they believe they fit in the world around them? What provides them comfort? Do they think about their daily life and routine? Are they satisfied?
PURPOSE– What kinds of goals do they have to look forward to? What are their internal goals (having a good relationship, being a certain kind of person, etc)? What are their external goals (making money, being admired)?
SPIRITUALITY– Do they connect with things greater than themselves, or do they find it daunting? Do they want to have an impact on the world around them (for better or worse)?
#writing prompts#rp musings#rp prompts#ask games#ask meme#rp meme#ask game#oc ask game#oc ask meme#inbox asks#inbox meme#character asks#for muses too not just OCs#worked on this for like 2 hours yall better appreciate it#i reread my entire textbook for this#questionheir
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Eternity and Counting
Pt.3
(Pt1, Pt2)
(I am SOOOOOO sorry I didn't post on Tuesday. Full honestly, I forgot. But today's chapter is a touch longer than usual as an apology. And by just a touch, I mean almost double the length of both previous chapters<3)
Obey me! X Angel!MC (They/Them Pronouns)
TW: Suicide, depression, self-deprecation, death, big feelings, lots of sad.
MC just can't handle anything anymore and takes their own life. Imagine their dismay to find even death isn't the end for them.Keep reading
~/\~
Since that day, my life, or afterlife I suppose, has been relatively simple. When I'm not resting in the garden, I'm running small errands for Michael. It's easy enough to avoid recognition here, but for the sake of my peace of mind, I wear a cloaking spell whenever I'm out. Simeon agreed not to tell anybody about my presence, and in exchange, he asked that I let him join me on my errands, even if he doesn't recognize me. He claims I could have any face in all three realms, and my presence would still bring him comfort. Sometimes he brings me updates on how the others are doing. Usually, he talks about Luke and his growth. He often avoids talking about the Devildom, and whether that's because he doesn't want to upset me or because he simply can't face them knowing what he knows, I've yet to figure out. It's a nice thought, him trying not to remind me of the best part of my life. But it's not overly helpful, given that, even if physical representations of our bonds weren't burned into my skin, everything I do reminds me of them anyway. I know it's selfish of me to make him keep my secret. But to be fair, I decided nearly a year ago that I am an inherently selfish creature, and I've come to terms with it.
Now that I'm on my own, things are easier. Nobody relies on me for much more than fetching papers or goods, and any failures that occur are mine to handle alone. It's simple. It's lonely. But it's simple. And it's good.
I suppose all good things must come to an end though. As I follow my long-since memorized path through the Celestial Palace, I can't help but wonder why I've been summoned. Usually, if Michael has a task for me, he simply brings it to me. But today he asked I meet him in the throne room, so here I am.
I'm greeted as soon as I swing open the door. "MC! Thank you for coming so quickly."
I'm nearly caught off guard by the use of my real name in public. For the sake of secrecy, Michael and Simeon have taken to calling me a fake name for the duration of my stay here.
"How can I help?" I nod as I close the door behind me. I take notice of Simeon's presence and he looks nervous. Never a good sign.
"I have some paperwork I need run to the Devildom. Usually I'd send Simeon, but I need him for another task today and this is rather urgent." Michael grins at me, likely in an attempt to sweeten the plan he's certain I would protest if given the chance.
I'm nearly nauseous at the idea of it. "You're joking, right? I mean this so genuinely, have you lost it?"
There's a flash of amusement on his face before he responds, "I would never make light of your trauma, no I am not joking. You have your cloaking spell, and all you need to do is hand the papers over to Barbatos. Maybe if he's busy, you'll have to hand them to Lord Diavolo himself. But then you can just come straight back. Simple and easy."
I stare at him, dead eyed and confused. "Yeah, seems super simple." I groan, sarcasm laced in every letter. "There's no getting out of this, is there?" I glance desperately at Simeon who seems to have loosened some of the tension in his spine at my pseudo acceptance of the whole ordeal. He shakes his head.
"Fine." I sigh. "Open'r up." with a lazy wave of my arm.
Michael nods, same fatherly grin plastered on his face as always. I'm sure he's convinced he's won some sort of mental battle, and maybe he has. Either way, he summons the portal, and I steal my nerves to step through. "I'm getting two days off when I get back." I call, lunging through the portal.
On the other side, I take a quick moment to make sure my cloaking spell hasn't warn off before looking around. I'm right where I had assumed I'd be. The courtyard's grand arches and elegant gazebo bring a chilly feeling of recognition to the back of my mind. How many gallas and celebrations had I spent out here, in search of some form of peace from the hustle and bustle? How many times had I stumbled upon Levi, or him upon me, in search of the same thing? I think for a moment that I wouldn't mind him stumbling upon me now.
I shake the thought from my mind as quickly as it occurs. Just deliver the paperwork.
I begin the path to the castle without a thought. The trail ingrained into my very psyche. I almost laugh at the thought. I abandoned this place, yet it never left me. What is it Djo said about men and cities?
I never allowed myself to dwell on it from the comfort of Michael's garden, but God did I miss the sky here. Something about the ever present swirling of purples and blues splashed across the stars is purely... divine. Not to say that the Celestial realm wasn't stunning. But there was always this sense of perfectionism, even in the natural landscape. It never felt right to me. Not like this at least. This has always been chaotic, but in the way a toddler helping in the kitchen is chaotic. Sure, shit's a mess and you're near certain it's going to end poorly, but if you take just a moment to watch it unfold, there's beauty in it.
I wish I could have been reborn as a demon.
No. No I don't. Living out the rest of my days, infinite as they may be, facing them with my own selfishness. I'm sure it would kill me a second time.
I'm utterly lost in thought and the view of the sky as I follow the path. So much so, I nearly miss the tail swishing on the ground in front of me. Luckily for me, it bats my ankle gently before I manage to step on it. Double luck, the contact doesn't wake it's sleeping owner.
Belphegor snores softly in the grass next to the path, curled up with his back to me. Something in me instinctively wants to curl up with him, but I know I can't. So instead, I sit. Divine garb be damned, I'm sitting on the dirt, watching him sleep. I consider making a run for it, but the subtle pull he's always had keeps me calm and still. Even in his sleep, even with our pact burned away, his presence still lulls me like a child.
I shake my head as if I were actually dozing off. Was I? Regardless, I stand up, settling to move him out of the trail, just a little. For the sake of the hazard he poses to himself and others. He's as warm as I remember as I press him further into the grass, tucking his tail over his leg before quickly stepping away and back to my task.
A warm feeling I can just barely remember washes over me and stops me in my tracks. How could I, after over a year away, fall so quickly back into routine. Not only how could I, but how dare I? I made my decision, and I've got no right to just wander in here and return to my position, doting and fawning over them. I truly am a selfish creature.
I tried to explain it to them, time and time again. But they simply refused to believe me. I cared so much, not because of them, but because I needed to. I needed to care for them to feel useful. Asmodeus once told me that I was a "pleasure sub". I told him I was willing to rip my own heart out to please him, but mostly because i never much cared for it anyway.
(As always, thank you soooo much for reading. If you'd like to be tagged in future uploads, please comment to be added to the list!)
-Your Friend, The Author
*tags*
@spffldlbrnf
#obey me shall we date#obey me x reader#obey me#mammon x reader#obey me angst#obey me belphegor#obey me leviathan#obey me mammon
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Tarot:Major Arcana
(Simplified, pt. 1)
1.The Magician
Seeing the path ahead
Taking action & making decisions
Stop overthinking
Reversed
Blocked flow
Projects aren’t going ideally
2.The High Priestess
Appreciate the feminine in the world
Value in depth, sensitivity, contemplation
Reversed
Tone down & refocus your energy
3. The Empress
Something of abundance is headed your way
Reversed
Suggests a time of struggling with not having enough of something
4.The Emperor
Divine Masculine
Protection, Order, Power
Reversed
Tyranny
Lack of focus
5.The Hierophant
Learning, Routine, Tradition
Take counsel of trusted ones
Reversed
Rebellion, Chaos, Rejection
Shift in values
6.The Lovers
Love coming your way
Love yourself first
Reversed
Jealousy, separation, indecision
Struggles in love ahead
7.The Chariot
Issues will be resolved soon
Development & growth: not without struggle
Reversed
Upcoming danger
Failures standing in the way
8.Strength
Compassion, charisma, patience
Reversed
Lack of courage
Hopelessness
9.The Hermit
Intense transformation
Spend time alone
Reverse
Too much isolation
10. Wheel Of Fortune
Abundance
Beginning of a new season
Reversed
Change is being ignored
11. Justice
Clear path to success
Balance
Important choice
Reversed
Imbalance, dishonesty, unfairness
12.The Hanged Man
Experience is deepened, refocused, or intensified
Change in perspective
Positive change
Reversed
Trouble adjusting to change
Fighting progress
Wrong level of self-awareness
13.Death
Positive
New Beginnings
Passion
Reversed
Pessimism, Fear
14.Temperance
Magic
Potential pain
Reversed
Imbalanced, Argumentative
Feeling of being fragmented
15.The Devil
Someone in your life is controlling
Potential addiction
Reversed
Unhappiness
Lack of self control
16. The Tower
Imprisoned, Conflict
Fighting for beliefs
Reversed
Avoidance of responsibility
17. The Star
Transcendent openness
Healing & wholeness
Reversed
Wasting time
Loss of self-respect
18.The Moon
Divine Feminine
Truth
Reversed
Confusion
19. The Sun
Expansiveness & success
Clarity & focus
Reversed
Arrogance, self-doubt
Refusal to share knowledge
20. Judgement
Rebirth
Decision making
Changes ahead
Reversed
Ignoring change
21. The World
Completion
Celebrating accomplishments
Reversed
Delay in success
22. The Fool
Innocence, openness, playfulness
Reversed
Irrational, Naive
Never progressing
🌸✨🤍🖤
Pt. 2 is out on my page 💜💙
#witchcraft#witchblr#baby witch#witch#spellwork#wicca#witch girly#witches#witchy#witch blog#witchcraft community#witches of tumblr#magick#witch community#witchcraft 101#paganblr#tarotblr#tarot#tarot witch
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One of Those Days
Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!reader
Warning: Family issues, Having a bad day, Some comfort (it's the little things that matter sometimes)
Author Note:
I have had a very stressful and tiring day today. All I wanted to do was sit and write the next chapter of my story, but everything seemed to be against me doing just that. So, after talking to the lovely @vbecker10 who suggested I do a small side story, I came up with this.
As always, a huge thank you and shout out to @harlequin-hangout for the amazing banners you made for me.
Please check out my master post if you're interested in checking out some of my other work!
Frustration, aggravation, irritation, and stress; the quartet of misery was heaped on and piled high into the sky. Its peak disappearing into the stratosphere while Y/N was left crushed under its oppressive weight. She knew she was not the prodigal daughter, she made plenty of mistakes just by having the interests and hobbies that diverged from her parents’ expectations. Regardless of her multitude of failures in their books, she always tried her best to live up to their lofty expectations, no matter how unfair or impossible they seemed to be.
Today was just another one of those days when she could do nothing right just by breathing, and the rainy weather was of no help. The morning started out great, even peaceful, with the sudden curveballs life had thrown at them. She stood her ground on home plate and swung at the tricky throws pitches at her. What she did not expect was the bowling ball that came crashing into her. What was that bowling ball? The sudden anger of her father. What had happened? Even she wasn’t entirely sure. By all accounts, everything was on schedule to be a relaxing day off.
None of her siblings had argued with their parents, work talk had not been the main topic of discussion, and there was no need for a panic run to the store because someone had forgotten to get groceries. And yet, it all came crashing down in seconds. Her father angrily started to lecture her about ‘conversational etiquette’, because she somehow broke some rule she had never heard of by providing an answer in a whisper when no one was talking in order to help him understand something. Y/N was not in any mood to listen, so she stood from her seat at the table and began to throw away some junk mail.
“Sit down right now! Where do you think you’re going?” He loudly demanded, twisting his torso to watch her walkaway the couple of feet to the trash bag filled with junk papers.
“Calm down, calm down, I’m listening. I’m just throwing away this junk mail, that’s all.” She waved the torn in half sheets before dropping them into the pile. “You can keep talking, I’m just getting rid of these.” She made her way back over to the table. “You were saying?”
“I don’t want to talk to you anymore, you have no manners.” He sniped.
“Ok, suit yourself,” she shrugged and opened another letter.
“Talk back one more time and see what happens.” He glared, she could see it from her periphery, but she kept her attention on the black letters on the white paper.
Yeah, I dare you. She bit back the challenging words and simply gave a nonchalant “ok” in response, which only irritated her disgruntled father even further. He began to huff and complain about all four of his children being disrespectful and unteachable to her mother as he left the table and went back up to his room. Silence fell over the dining table as her mom sighed at the loss of her peaceful day off.
“What bit him?” Y/N scowled, annoyed by her father’s sudden flip in mood.
“I have no clue, he’s been getting worse and worse as of late.” Her mother sighed, shaking her head before resuming her task of sorting the work mail.
Y/N did her best to ignore and avoid her father, knowing he would either be a ticking time bomb, or he would try to make amends through childish methods; such as poking at her or blocking her path to give her a hug. She did lover her father and appreciated all that he has done for her, but she was an adult now and this was all just getting so tiresome. She kept her own anger and annoyance in check for the remainder of the day, hiding in the basement of their house to keep cool from the muggy rainy summer day and to avoid any unnecessary flare-ups.
<My dad had another one of his episodes again, it didn’t end up going nuclear, thankfully. It was still a pain, though. I’m doing everything I can and answered everything he asked! I didn’t even say the dreaded ‘I don’t know’ that he gets ruffled over either. UGH, well it’s over now. Sorry to bug you, you don’t NEED to respond to this. I just needed to vent.> She texted the one person she would think to text at this moment, her dear friend and recently acquired boyfriend: Jason Todd. She knew he was a busy guy, so she was not surprised by the lack of quick response. So, she lay across one of the sofas and immersed herself in a new manga she recently learned about from social media.
Glancing at the clock on her phone, Y/N quickly sat up. Two hours had slipped by with no extra trouble or calls from her family, which was a shock in itself. Pocketing her phone, she climbed up the steps, grimacing at the shift in temperature halfway up. The mugginess was extra clingy today. Her mother and other brother were busy working on some work related things, while her two younger siblings and father were nowhere to be seen. Upstairs, I guess, she shrugged it off and went to the fridge to get a snack. What she had not expected, but should have, was her younger sister coming down to complain once more.
For the next hour, she repeatedly droned on and on about the two younger cousins they had met last night for dinner. Their mom’s cousin’s family had flown in from Metropolis after many years, and so their maternal uncle that lived in the nicer side of Gotham invited their family to join them for dinner to meet up. Everything seemed to have gone swell, but clearly it was too good to be true. Her younger sister had a bone to pick with both of their younger female cousins and their ignorance of their poor choice in wording or understanding over something.
Her mother tried to get her younger daughter to move on from the topic, but it was not panning out as well as they had hoped. The eldest child had quietly excused himself from the dining room to avoid dealing with the overly opinionated sister, leaving Y/N to deal with the mess of playing middle person to stop the two from misunderstanding one another. This, also, was nothing new and only added to the exhaustion Y/N was feeling from earlier.
Every time she seemed to have gotten close to concluding this endless loop, her younger sister would start right back up again. Jumping between each cousin; fact-dumping all the political key points used to make her point last night. Y/N was well aware of these points prior to this conversation, and she knew her cousins were not the smartest and fairly sheltered, both coming from richer families. After the tenth go around, she managed to shut the conversation down and jumped at the offer to pick up food. Her mother asked her to go with her younger sister, but Y/N jumped at the chance to go alone, as she reminded them that her younger sister had job applications to tend to.
The night air was cooler, but it was still a bit thick from all the rain. It was better than the A/C-less ground floor of the house. Turning her key in the ignition, she slumped in the driver’s seat with the A/C on, letting herself have a moment of silence before heading out to grab the dinner. Waking her phone, she unlocked the screen and tapped on the phone symbol next to Jason's’s phone. She listened to the phone ringing through the car speakers, waiting for him to pick up. Her hope of speaking to him was quickly dying as it kept ringing.
Is he still busy at nine? He did say his family is pretty strict about work. She frowned. “Hey, just calling to see if you were free to talk, Clearly you’re not, so I guess I’ll catch you later? It’s nothing urgent, just having a rough day. Call or text when you’re free, ok? Later,” she tapped the red button to end the call as she parked in front of the restaurant and picked up their order.
The drive back was silent, her mom calling twice to make sure Y/N had found the new place and if she was on her way back yet. The food had been brought and eaten. Her parents were eating upstairs, the younger two were in their own room, and Y/N was sitting at the table with her older brother explaining to him what their little sister was fixated on this time. Though he and their younger sister did not get along, he was no stranger to expressing his irritation with said sibling and her pompous attitude. Y/N understood why the two did not get along, their younger sister had insulted him three times by saying to his face that he deserved to have the lifelong illness he had been suffering with since high school. The first time she was a jealous and bratty middle schooler, but the next to times she was older and was dealing with her sudden onset of arthritis. There was no pint in trying to rebuild any semblance of a relationship, but some assistance would be appreciated.
With the day finally coming to an end, Y/N crawled into her bed, wanting the day to end and start the next one fresh with no more issues. She checked her phone for the umpteenth time, still no response. Opening the conversation between the two of them, she tapped and swiped a rather large message about the full details of the rest of her day. Her brain felt drained, and her eyes were starting to hurt from staying open. She persisted though and sent her paragraph, satisfied. Plugging in the charger, she turned onto her side and quickly fell asleep. Or so she had hoped. Her body was too tired and left her restlessly tossing and turning throughout the night for comfort that played a cruel game of hide and seek.
The next day, she woke up groggy and still tired, but she knew she needed to get to the office on time. So, she forced herself out of bed and began her morning routine and made her way to the kitchen for breakfast. Once she knew she was full and had a protein shake packed away for a backup lunch; she made her way out of the garage door to find a basket of brightly colored flowers sitting on the hood of her black SUV. Confused, she quickly put her things on the driver seat and inspected the basket until she found the little note tucked away among the petals.
Dearest Y/N,
Sorry I didn’t get back to you on time, sounds like you really had a rough day. I don’t know how you do it, dealing with your family and the bullshit they push on you. I can barely stand my own family, and I live on my own! A simple text back sounded way too shitty, and it’d hardly tell you just how proud and amazed I am of you for always keeping your cool through the crazy shit you go through. Go out with me after work? I promise to be free and give you all of my attention. Text me when you’re free?
You’re super apologetic he’s late and loves you always, boyfriend;
Jason Todd
Every ounce of negativity instantly evaporated from her body as a huge smile spread across her face. Yesterday was a horrible and lonely day, but today was infinitely better.
Yes, I know, not a lot of Jason in this but I purposely wrote it this way to put more emphasis on the fact that he tries his best to make up for it when he's not around.
#red hood#jason todd#jason todd x reader#jason todd x y/n#jason todd x fem!reader#jason todd fic#red hood x reader#y/n#jason todd fanfic#jason todd fanfiction#jason todd x female reader#jason todd x you#red hood x you#your name#reader insert#dcu#dc fanfic#dc fanfiction#batman#batman fanfiction#batman fanfic#fanfiction#fanfic#red hood x fem!reader#red hood x y/n#red hood x female reader
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Psyche tidy up
Giving yourself grace when you fail, and getting back at it right away. Failures are part of the perfection path.
Doing things not because you "must" but because you know why.
Unclenching your muscles on a frequent basis and normalizing being in stressful situations, like a boss babe. You know they're stressful but you don't let them get in the way to your goal.
Identifying your triggers, and recognizing them. You don't navigate life anymore from one trigger to another in a constant state of stress-anxiety. You know some stuff is triggering an emotional response but you answer to the rational thoughts. "Yes, I know this thing is triggering me. Worst outcome may come but I can deal with it no biggie. I rehashed many times my responses. "
Recognizing your emotions, but not letting them take up all your emotional mindspace. "Yes I'm angry, this thing happened and it caused me to feel unlistened to, I give myself a few minutes to breathe in silence, then think of the best action that'll benefit me"
The more you let emotions and triggers take up space in your day, the less you'll be able to live your life, but it isn't a excuse to avoid them squarely; you're also not living your life in extreme avoidance of them. Facing them upfront, as distressing as it may be, will lead to a quieter simpler life later.
Answer your truth: if you viscerally don't like something, do/say something. You do not have to do actions that go against what you stand/believe for.
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No but the way Pucci being Christian is so intertwined with his motives as a villain... He’s every story I’ve heard of the Christian convert who suffered something horrible and senseless, and after drifting through life lost and without a sense of purpose, found hope by believing in God. He’s so many stories of tragedy I’ve seen where people managed to cope by finding peace in the idea that this is all part of God’s divine, incomprehensible plan; It’s fate, it’s his will, and by accepting it they can move on. It’s for a reason, even if they’ll never understand what they’re looking at.
That’s what Heaven is for Pucci; His core trauma is a series of horrific coincidences with no rhyme or reason, and so he latches onto the idea that it’s all part of “his” plan, God and/or DIO’s. That’s why he finds comfort in knowing the future, knowing it’s all in the hands of Fate and removing his own blame and agency, which is why the narrator asks the viewer to judge for ourselves who did wrong, when we see the backstory of Wes, Enrico, and Perla. Pucci made a decision and it backfired horribly, so he doesn’t want to choose anymore.
It’s the way Pucci’s desire to be the messianic hero screws him over and causes tragedy; He’s so devoted to his position as a priest that rather than sabotaging it in order to just tell Perla the truth to her face (thus breaking the rules of the confessional), Pucci relies on this roundabout method so he can have it both ways, only to cause heartbreak and death. Pucci is so desperate to save humanity to make up for his own guilt and failure that he resets the universe, making him the worst kind of evil in his brother’s eyes; One totally oblivious to its nature. Pucci begs to die a martyr from Weather Report and Emporio, rather than just dying here and now.
Ungalo and Rikiel are prepared to die for Pucci once he gives them a sense of purpose to all of the inexplicable misfortune in their lives; Versus is also emboldened by this realization, but chooses to weaponize it for himself. The sons of DIO are people who all went through misfortune their whole lives, they’re ‘children of God’ who find comfort in devoting themselves to something they can actually believe in, that they believe will take care of them in some way; Like many Christians following the path of God, believing Heaven is waiting for them at the end of the tribulation and that it will all be worth it, that it all meant something and mattered and served a cause, like them.
Pucci and the sons of DIO can no longer bear the pain and uncertainty of moving forward, so they aspire, Pucci especially, for a world where fate will move things along for them. They don’t have to take the first step, especially not Pucci, when Made in Heaven’s reset will compel him and everyone else to do what’s fated, regardless of what they try.
Pucci fears and admires the courage of the Joestars who are able to step forward and face fate, engage and grapple with it, rather than just blindly accept and surrender in despair. If Diavolo precedes Pucci as someone too resistant of fate, Pucci is the opposite; Someone too resigned to it. Unlike the Joestars who know their fate but can work with what’s written in stone to change the other details.
It’s why Pucci admires the first human to try a mushroom despite knowing it could kill them; But rather than put in the effort to get up to their level, Pucci would rather everyone stoop to his own, and claims he’s just sparing people noble yet needless pain (He’s only sparing himself by avoiding the reminder that he could and should be braver than this). He says he pities the human who tried a mushroom, adding that they were probably only motivated by hunger and desperation, and had no choice anyway.
I think Pucci is secretly envious of that courage, and that’s why he always downplays it afterwards by suggesting it’s foolishness rather than bravery. Pride, Envy, Wrath... Sloth given his despair, and a bit of Greed with the $800 dollar pants. Then there’s the BDSM vibes of Whitesnake for Lust, all that’s missing is Gluttony, which I guess the cherries and being devoured by the Green Baby account for...?
In all seriousness, Pucci wants guidance; He surrenders himself to God, follows the instructions led by DIO, and relies on Fate to tell him what to do when Made in Heaven resets the universe. Remember that time Pucci got around his brother’s Heavy Weather by removing his sight, and forcing Anasui to guide him? Yeah.
There’s a reason why Whitesnake obsesses with preserving the past, and I think part of it boils down to Pucci being afraid of its counterpart the Future; Which Made in Heaven, not entirely unlike King Crimson, allows Pucci to speed through and glimpse, to get through the worst of it ASAP and lessen the pain. He doesn’t want to accept that sometimes things just… happen.
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