hello and good afternoon!! i've had a very lazy morning thus far, but after i clean the back of my mom's car for her, i'll be around to get some writing done! i'm probably gonna work on a post of connections/plots for my muses as well, just bc i think it might be helpful for new interactions. i dunno if i'll list all of my muses right off the bat, though, so perhaps let me know if there's anyone you'd like some ideas for!

Hello there! So this is my first time requesting since i just started following you. So let me tell you, your Yandere Wild West Outlaw got me absolutley smitten and obsessed! i love your writing so much!!

Anyway back to the main subject and on with the request.

What about Maddox with an EXTRA Sassy darling. Like, full of and fluent on sarcasm (the kind that makes you go: DAAAAMN). The darlin' has a sharp tongue and retorts for any kind of bad words might be thrown towards her (and maybe, way later in the relationship, towards Maddox too). From really polite f-u's to tge sthraightfoward ones, she can reply and roast anyone.

Oh and a bonus head cannon (a little something that came to mind) after reading about the wedding rings. I can totally imagine the darling going from questioning about where Maddox "buys" all the weird gifts to just becoming immune, later in the relationship. Let's say Maddox comes back (to the temporary) home with a very strange object, like A very expensive porcelain/china vase and the darling just goes: "oh thank you. Please put it on the table. I'll be done with the soup and then take care of it"

Yea anyway i'll stop rambling now.

Sorry for the bad english. It's not my first language and it is past midnight here.

Have a great day/night ✨

We love sassy girlboss Y/n’s here. Thank you for submitting this request anon!! Hope it is to your liking <3

Yandere Wild West Outlaw x Sassy Reader

CW// Y/n is a bully, Maddox gets his ego hurt, Maddox gets angry, Maddox is dumb

Masterlist

Maddox immediately knew that you were a spitfire when he first had a conversation with you. You weren’t the typical damsel in distress who when captured by the evil outlaw you’re forced into submission.

Oh no. There’s not a drop of submission in your body.

Maddox thought you would be useful to have around. You’d be his own personal maid! Maybe even like a housewife. But no…

“Clean my laundry if ya’ wanna live to see anotha’ day.”

“Alright alright, calm your tits. What should I clean first? The shirt with sweat marinated into the fabric or the undies with shit stains?”

“THERE AIN’T ANY SHIT ON MY UNDIES MISSY! IT’S DIRT!”

You’re a total pain in the ass. Whenever he tried to act cool or intimidating you’d immediately shoot it down with your words.

He hates it when you ruin his moment in front of other people.

He got really pissed after you made a jab at him in the middle of a duel.

“It’s just you an’ me boy. But we both know who’ll be standin’ by the end of this.”

“Hopefully it isn’t you.”

“SHUT UP Y/N! GET YOUR TUSH BACK INSIDE, I’M TRYNA’ HAVE A DUEL!”

Punishes you by tying you up and leaving you outside for the night.

He ignores your complaints about coyotes or rattlesnakes. He needs you to shut your mouth and give him some peace.

After that night of punishment though he noticed how you wouldn’t really talk to him often.

“Go shine my boots. And I don’t wanna hear a single complaint outta ya’.”

“Okay.”

“…”

Okaay so he fucked up.

The days drag on so slow without your quips and jabs! He never realized how funny the things you said are now that you’re gone.

Well you’re not gone, just more closed off now. But you may as well be gone. This isn’t like you at all to be so quiet and reclusive!

Maybe he was too rough in you? He did kill your Father and force you to be his housewife maid.

So doing what he does worst, he apologizes.

“Hey, ‘bout that one time I left ya’ outside. I realize that was silly of me cus ya’ coulda gotten eaten. So that was my bad.”

“So you’re sorry?”

“Yeah.”

He’s brushing Jasper’s fur, telling the horse how good he is. Cleaning Jasper is the only chore Maddox likes to do himself.

You’re sitting on a tree stump watching the man talk to his horse.

“You know Jasper’s a horse right?”

“Oh really? I thought he was a dog.”

The small smirk on your face after his little quip made Maddox feel like a million bucks.

That’s when he learned that he likes seeing you happy.

After the “Marriage”: (Read about it Here)

“Uhm what’s all this?” You ask your unofficial husband.

“This-”

He puts a brown sack down on the table. The sound of the contents inside clang together as he dumps it all out. A dozen chipped fine china plates come out.

“Is how we make our house a home sweetness. I hear housewives go crazy over fancy dishes n’ shit.”

Maddox stands there with a proud grin underneath his masked face. (He still hasn’t showed you his face yet btw.) He was like a dog showing his owner how good he is at retrieving sticks when playing fetch.

You look at him with an unimpressed quirk of your brow. “And where did you happen to come across such fine china may I ask?”

He shrugs and comes around the table to wrap his arms around you from behind.

“A buddy gave em to me.” His deep voice reverberates in your ear.

“Did you hold your so called buddy at gunpoint?”

“Would you be mad if I said yes?”

You groan and shakes your head back and forth. “Maddox you know you can’t just go around taking people’s stuff! Now the sheriff was probably alerted and is looking for you now. And why did you steal a bunch of plates!? Jasper can’t carry all this shit! We should only have what is necessary for survival you brute. Are you even listening to me!?”

But he only looks at you with lovesick eyes as you complain about how stupid he is.

“Princess did I ever tell you how sexy you are when you’re mad at me?” His hands go lower down your waist.

Rolling your eyes you smack his hands and leave his embrace, leaving him standing by himself like a kicked puppy.

“I have a meal to make so set the table with those plates you got. And no more stealing people’s things!”

“Yes ma’am.”

I appreciate all the requests that come in!! But I just want to remind all of you about my rules and that I do NOT write Y/n as a specific race. My writing is for everybody to enjoy!! She’s race ambiguous. Many people request that I write a Black Y/n but I’m not black so I won’t be doing that. If I write for a specific race then I feel like I’d just be stereotyping what black people are supposed to act like. So please don’t ask me to write for a Y/n that is a specific race. Thank you.

So, there’s a summoning in the League of Assassins base that pulls Danny into the dc dimension, where when he meets a pit mad Jason the guy pulls a knife against his throat and threatens him to get him out of the base. friendly glowstick was actually on his way out, so he just shrugs and goes sure what the hell turning them both invisible with just the briefest amount of wondering over why the guy didn’t do it himself because he’s a ghost too. anyways Danny only intends to drop the guy outside—but then outside is just a bunch of deserted mountains as far as he can see. okay, so maybe if he gets a better leverage point…

Jason only sees this as a faint stop, and then the pull of the ghost flying flash-speed up. It holds him only by the hand and while this power of his does seem to extend something of an anti-gravity sensation to Jason, training and instinct both scream at him he’s about to be reacquainted with death via free fall. …and so the non sense part of his brain scrambles for some bargain. the ghost— who god isn’t even looking at him,, must want something? what? souls? it’s just as unnerving as this glowing green eyes, but Jason manages to conceal the panic before it turns into a full blown attack, it goes something like; “wait, wait. if-if you want—souls i know plenty of bad people the world wouldn’t care to miss,” attention grabbed, the ghost just tilts his head to the side and stares, “it’s in this place where people go missing everyday, and powers like–like that go totally unnoticed, i mean you can totally pass as a living person. i can take you there if-if you just let me- it’s a little far but i swear it’s worth it. it’s in the United States?” the expression draws up a frown but also a glint of recognition. he sighs shakily. “you know it?”

“Yeah. I know it.” Danny doesn’t know why the ghost just started rambling about soul hotspots like he was a banshee, but whatever. “I thought… I was there actually. guess i always assumed I would never be summoned outside of the country… “ He looks around again, “where am I then?”

He looks back at Jason and abruptly realizes he is still holding his hand. “oh i’m sorry—“ he starts just as he lets go. the ghost probably wants to fly on his own.

…

he doesn’t.

the ghost plummets down. fast.

…

Danny hovers down a little because that’s odd. the ghost should’ve flown by now, grasp onto the instinct that is defying gravity and— still hasn’t, his core churns as he watches him keep falling —but why? does he not know how to fly? not to go invisible or …intangible? oh fuck. he hadn’t. back there the ghost had asked Danny to get him out. he hadn’t. Danny dives down rushing past the wind as the distance closed and the ground approached.

just as the realization sinked. the ghost couldn’t.

…

Jason latches on like a lifeline to the arms that close on him and start to descend slowly to the fast rhythm of his racing heart. it’s an iron grip he wishes to turn into a lock, but the ground is not in close range still.

“—g omg i’m sorry i didn’t—i didn’t know you couldn’t access your powers i swear like i would’ve never done that in purpose omg what the fuck i’m sorry—what happened, your core felt fine but I didn’t think and whatever’s it is that’s messing with your powers is something i can’t—“ it’s nonsense that’s half apology half rambling, that he tunes out after because now they are close enough and it only steals a sec to leaps down with a clean roll and in the process put distance between the teen ghost and him. The kid leans forward almost wanting to hover closer. but doesn’t.

He looks concerned. “Are you okay?”

Jason doesn’t answer, but his heart rate starts up again as the ghost waits and then raises both hands to approach him almost placatingly. “I didn’t meant that, i’m sorry, again I didn’t know you didn’t have your powers.”

Jason would like the guy to not get any closer. “I don’t have any powers. What the fuck are you on?”

The ghost’s aura dims.

And it’s like the world stills. almost like it turns into one big suffocating void.

“You don’t know?”

Jason has nearly backed up into a tree. His sleeve hides a knife.

The ghost looks sad.

“You’re dead.”

oh.

oh good god.

Jason swears his heart nearly jumps out of his chest because of the anticipation, but it’s okay, it’s nothing. Jason knew that already. …it still didn’t make sense with half the shit the ghost said but ghosts, uh they probably had a way to sense when someone died and so to think the that the ghost thought he was one too was plausible. is why the kid said he dropped him.

which in that case. honest mistake. maybe the kid is saying the truth. Jason looks back at him and the kid holds a mournful expression. And a little pity.

He huffs, “Not new news you’re giving me kid, honest.”

That seems to puzzle the white haired kid. He frowns. “Then why ask me what i’m talking about? is it that you don’t know who did this to you?”

His eyes glow just at the reminder. “no,” a growl rips out of his throat. “I know exactly who did this to me.”

“Then? Why can’t you access your powers? as a human the fall would’ve been fatal.”

again with this shit. Jason runs a hand through his hair, feeling only the slightest amount of frustration and pauses. …this is a normal amount of frustration, maybe even proportionate in a way he hasn’t felt in a very long time. He wasn’t getting worked up over something to the point annoyance turned into full blown anger. the pit wasn’t bothering him and that— felt weird. Jason did not choked up a little. “okay. kid, ghost …whatever. I realize you probably think I’m like you but no, I can’t just fly or–density shift my way out things. I am not like you.”

“is this like the five stages of grief?” the ghost muses, like he didn’t even hear him, and raises an eyebrow, “are you on denial?”

Jason runs a hand through his hair and almost closes his eyes because clearly the kid, god he was just a kid, young impling he was, didn’t want to see what was in front of him. “kid.”

He almost wants to be close enough to grab the ghost’s shoulders.

“I did die but I– I came back.”

…

Kid in question is doing a terrible job at hiding his smile. He nods back slowly too. The “and…?” inquire he makes is almost insulting.

Jason has no words.

At that the kid just inhales deeply and angles his body to the open gestures he begins to do with his arms, “this is what I meant when I asked if you knew?!”

“i’m not a ghost.” Jason cuts in, if only he could get it through the kid’s thick skull. “I know that much.”

True and only ghost scowls with suspicion for a moment before sighing.

“…you …you didn’t submit yourself to some kinda…experiment, right?” the dead teenager uncrosses his arms, “because even if don’t have powers you’re still very much a ghost.”

Jason looks at the floating being with probably an inane amount of disbelief.

The look he receives in return is dead serious.

….

and for a moment there’s only silence lazy and light.

“nope. no. no.”

Jason hesitates to turn on his heel and give his back to the ghost so he goes sideways instead. “I am done here. won’t indulge you any longer.”

The silence after is heavy.

And lasts only enough to remark the sound of soft sand paving away for boots to thump the ground. for the first time the kid is touching solid earth, Jason notes, and he does it with a solemn look on his face, glowing aura looking fainter.

“look, I’m just concerned.” kid’s voice tilts with a quiet echo that hadn’t been there before, “it’s never as simple as you make it out to be. one can’t die and come back without change. death on principle doesn’t just relinquish its hold for anyone. if you would just… let me explain.”

Kid sits down cross legged and waits. Seeing as Jason isn’t walking off he continues.

He doesn’t know why he stays.

“okay okay, so the thing is death loves change, right? embraces it as much as life does. it just doesn’t like to share it the same way,” kid smiles fondly at that, absently playing with the hem of his left glove. “So what happened to you was an exchange, those happen in the rare, very rare occasion life is willing to give wiggle room to chance a comeback token, on those death follows closely behind because like i said, she doesn’t like to share, she is gonna wanna try to take it away, and by that I mean all. the exchange is messy and chaotic—but it highly depends on circumstance— that is how violent and traumatic the death, frequency of the brushes with death if any, level of ambient ectoplasm around when alive—hell even the stability of reality plays a part on if and how many of you comes back. the amalgamation of factors is huge, believe me. it’s just to give you an idea. the point is they determine whether it’s total game over or not. and, and because death gets her chunk either way, she isn’t even mad if you do pass go and collect the money.”

Kid stops to scratch the back of his neck, dims his excitement a little and pauses. “I’m not losing you, am I? I’m—not the best at explaining, but what I am saying is that you did. You passed. you are alive. and dead. but that was what I was getting at earlier. You are a ghost, I mean maybe not as much as you are a human because your exchange feels like it ended up with more life than death in the mix but… you should have a ghost form. Haven’t you felt it? core, powers, the likes?“

The kid looks so earnest with a honestly genuine smile that Jason… wishes he could give him one back. wished him the kid wasn’t telling him he was still dead, making him run through his head and remember how broken he’s felt ever since he died.

Jason doesn’t want to be a ghost.

why had he come back at all if he was not complete?

He closes his eyes and tries to vanish those young glowing green eyes from his mind.

he wants to think.

It’s all green though, and he hates that color.

why did they have to be that color?

Jason shakes his head and ignores how he begins trembling.

it’s the pit color. the one he can’t feel and wants back.

grasping blindly and searching for it feels like a yawning empty space void that tells him there’s nothing over and over.

The ghost hums.

sounds optimistic even. “I’m saying it because you got them.”

yeah. power. potential. or whatever the ghost was selling. he got it but couldn’t reach it.

it was all the same.

there.

but only if little Jay puts efforts in. really wants it. just had to work harder. just be enough.

“You just gotta put from your part, I’ll help you.”

Jason stares at the outstretched gloved hand.

He doesn’t take it.

HI I LOVE YOUR WRITING COULD YOU WRITE (if you have the ideas, the time and are comfortable with) SHURI X READER but reader is on her period but she gets super bad cramps on the first day? anyways like a fluffy comfort one shot? keep up the great work!! <3

Let Me Help

Shuri x FEM reader

Summary: The pain of period cramps will forever strike you worst than any punch to the stomach. Shuri offers help.

Your head lays on the cold glass lab table as you hold on your stomach and whisper curses "Bast's sake please stop hurting just for a bit I have to work...just for a bit" the sharp pains continues to rattle about in your lower stomach as you gently grab at the table. Shuri takes notice of this and walks over to the table and leans down to your height "you should go home" you turn and look at her "no I have work to do and if I don't do it who will?" You can see her eyes prancing back and forth with thought before she answers "I will I'll take over you just go home there's no way you can work in pain you've already had like three pain pills." You look at her confused for a moment "you counting the pills I take?" She pauses for a moment realizing how weird that might have sounded "just looking out for you but I promise I got it from here let me take you home you should try and get some sleep instead" even with Shuri's persistent gaze you shake your head no "I can't I can't put all my work on you princess I hate leaving a mess for others to clean I can do it." Shuri finally has had enough of convincing before she comes face to face with you "how much work have you done in the past hour?" You stumble to find the words "I've uhm..." Scared she might be a little disappointed in you you stray from your answer and nod "I'll go home yeah I'll go home" she nods "c'mon" she gently pulls you up and you're stuck in place when she wraps her arm around your waist her grip strong but gentle at the same time. "Oh you don't have to come I mean my house is a mess and I can walk my legs work perfectly just like my mouth and eyes and uhm..." You realize you're rambling and stare at her which she returns before smiling flashing you with that pretty smile of hers.

"I want to help, you really don't look all too well. Your face is flushed and you're annoyed let me help please. Plus I'm sure I know some things we could try to calm those cramps down." I know some things I'd like to try oh goodness the hormones are everywhere right now they've got you thinking things you shouldn't be thinking at all. "I really can handle my own princess" Shuri groans and lets you go as soon as her hand leaves your side you groan as the feeling of nervousness leaves you and is replaced with the piercing. You wish you could tell her to put it back where it was but you smile at her and leave the lab as quickly as possible. It's got to be the hormones making you act like this making you feral or are you finally realizing how she makes you feel?

.

You sit in bed practically dying with the pain as it shoots through your lower abdomen, back and somehow your ass it's like God personally came down to punish you and it doesn't help that your breasts are sore. you've been sleeping for the last two hours and now that you've woken up it's like immediate pain back to back the heating pad is not doing its job and you feel so nauseous yeah this has to be some sick punishment. you had already thrown up once but you were sure if you moved too fast it could surely happen again so you just sat unmoving in the middle of the bed as if moving an inch could provoke the cramps. The sudden sounds of knocking on the door have you groaning whoever it was could come back at a later time because this was definitely not the best time. "Go away!" you shout as you hold your stomach the knocks continue and you mumble curses to yourself as you slowly and carefully get up you waddle to the door and yank it open "what do you want?" you immediately want to swallow your words as you see princess Shui standing with a bag in hand "oh princess?" she smiles awkwardly and motions her head towards the door "can I come in? I just got done with my work for the day and yours we managed to find out who tried to steal the vibranium and uhm... I'm rambling I must get that from you y/n" she chuckles as you stare at her then the bag she has in hand. "Can I come in? you never gave an answer" you nod and step away from the door so that she can enter before closing and locking the door you waddle up the stairs and back into your room as you hold your stomach you can't help but hear Shuri snickering to herself and it interests you. "what's so funny" Shuri covers her face "excuse my language but you're walking like you have something up your ass" you look back at her as your hand finds your hip "quite the opposite princess I have something up my pussy if you don't have anything that can help please stop bothering me." She places her hand on her chest and laughs "so hostile luckily for you beautiful I got a lot of things" you smile at her words not being able to keep your happiness at bay "beautiful?" she nods "yeah beautiful do you have a problem with me telling you the truth?" you approach your bed and say nothing she places the bag by your leg and starts to pull out containers and more "you about to experiment on me or something?" she laughs and glances at you "no but if you'd like me to I wouldn't mind." Is she flirting with you? The princess of Wakanda is surely flirting with you or you should definitely clean your ears and thoughts you have to be looking way too much into what she is saying. "Most reasons for very bad cramps are bad eating habits on your cycle you're really picky you eat nothing but dollar store ramen and snacks-" "you know my eating habits?" Shuri smiles at you as she hands you a container of cut-up watermelon, strawberries, and whole raspberries "yes I do you're picky it's kind of hard not to notice. I got some chamomile tea warm beverages help me so maybe it'll help you there is one more thing but I need your consent." you glance her up and down suspiciously "a massage I usually get mines professionally done but I don't like the thought of some stranger touching my friend" you nod slowly before putting two and two together "oh you want to do it?" she nods "nothing inappropriate just some gentle massaging." The thought of her long slender fingers rubbing down your frame fills your mind with too many dirt thoughts to count but you reply as your usual flirty self "you tryna find a reason to feel me up?" she laughs and grabs your hand "no if I wanted to feel you up all I would have to do is ask the smell of the oils might help your body relax is all or you could do it the old fashioned way." you look at her with a facial expression full of curiosity "have an orgasm I hear it works best" you shake your head and roll your eyes sometimes her childish side comes out it's like a jumpscare honestly.

you, of course, agree to the massage I mean c'mon who would say no to this? No one so here you are laying on your stomach sweats pulled just below your waist bra tossed somewhere else on the bed. "you're tense am I making you nervous?" you shake your head no "no it's fine just never thought I'd be in this predicament" she laughs as she sits beside you on the bed "hey love pick a scent lavender or peppermint" you're so glad she can't see your face right now because you're smiling so widely to yourself "love" goodness gracious she is being too nice today. "Peppermint just get this over with I want to sleep" more like get this over with you talking to me is making me panic and I'm trying to restrain myself from kissing you. you feel her hands slide up your back slowly causing shivers to travel down your spine her hands feel like heaven as she gently massages your shoulders down to your back and onto your waist her hands linger for a moment. "Shuri Bast's sake your hands feel amazing" she continues "you should be eating that fruit" she points out and you huff "you can't just let me enjoy myself?" she smiles and you swear you feel her kiss the middle of your back "you haven't said anything about cramping in a minute I'm guessing this is working?" you honestly hadn't thought about the cramps because you were way too worried about Shuri's hands on your lower back. "you make me forget everything I don't know anyone else who takes the time out of their day to come and help ease my cramps you're a God send honestly. I'm grateful for you," you sit up and come face to face with her not worrying about being topless or about your bloated tummy. "your shirt I could grab that for y-" you stop her panicked speaking by grabbing her face and gently pressing your lips to hers "don't worry about it thank you I am so blind of course I would find out you're attracted me on the one week I can't express just how attracted I am to you." Shuri smiles and grabs your hand from her face gently caressing it "that's cocky" you nod "maybe but I can tell I'm not wrong.

A/n: This got a bit long...I do but I hope this works up to your request I happened to make Shuri and reader friends to lovers wasn't going to but that's just the way it ended. This is unedited don't have time for that work takes up most of that time. If this did not meet your needs I will gladly rewrite it at a later date.

😁

error 404: [character] refuses to admit they’re sick. With Kayo

None of these asks are going to be done in order, I fear, but I promise I am slowly working through them! It's so hot at the moment so I'm just going to use that as an excuse for only having done one of these in the past couple of days and not because of my perfectionism that has me editing every little detail when I read-through them.

Anyway, enough rambling! I hope you enjoy, @janetm74 😇

Error 404 (feat. Kayo)

The illness had slowly been creeping up on her all week, no matter how badly she tried to continue her routines as normal. 

Kayo couldn’t possibly be sick. She couldn’t allow herself to be sick. She had things to do, for goodness sake!Only in the rare moments when Kayo was certain she was alone did she allow herself to cough up the bile that had been sitting on her lungs all morning, or allow herself to take five minutes to just sit down and rest her muscles that had been screaming at her to stop all afternoon.

Not that any of that made her sick, though.

She absolutely, positively did have a clean bill of health. She absolutely, positively did not need anyone making a fuss over her, and she absolutely, positively could still go this afternoon to help on this very specific mission which she’d volunteered to do weeks ago. 

Absolutely, positively fit and healthy! Maybe she had a little bit of a runny nose, but who cared about that? She’d survived much worse and Kayo was proud to admit that fact out-loud.

Rigby, however, wasn’t as keen on it. “That shouldn’t be a badge of honour, K. You look like death warmed up right now. How did you even get off the island without being intercepted?”

It was a good question, one she didn’t have an actual answer for. Perhaps her ‘brothers’ knew any attempt in trying to stop her would have proven futile, or maybe it was because they didn’t want to get into an argument and possibly make her feel worse — not that she could get worse, of course, be she wasn’t ill.

“Because I’m not sick.” She helpfully replied, knowing full well that he did not believe her in the slightest.

Everything had been (and still was, thank you very much!) going to plan so far. She had met him on the ground nearby the warehouse they were to investigate and they had entered without anyone being alerted as to their presence. Nothing had gone wrong so far, and it wasn’t about to either. Kayo refused to let a little sniffle get in the way.

She shivered, despite her expertly crafted suit and the fact that they were in Oman. Kayo told herself it was the fault of some dodgy air con the building probably had, and not from a fever. Because she was not sick.

“You don’t have to be here, you know?” Rigby’s voice echoed up to her. “I can take care of this myself. Go and wait in your cozy little Thunderbird.”

She hadn’t realised how far she’d trailed behind until she glanced up from her feet. Rigby was no longer only a few paces ahead of her; he was already at the bottom of the stairwell. 

“What, and let you get all the glory? No, thanks.”

The idea of moving any faster to catch up to him quicker was most unappealing so Kayo, watching her feet move inch by steady inch, kept moving at her very slow pace. 

Her ears picked up on the sound of boots scuffing against the stone steps. They grew closer and closer until she saw the tips of Rigby’s boots in her vision. 

Kayo lifted her vision to find him standing right in front of her. 

“I thought you rescue guys weren’t about the glory.” He teased, offering out a hand to help Kayo down the last of the (what had seemed to be) never-ending stairs.

“We’re not.” She batted his hand away, her words slightly clipped. “I don’t need a hand.”

“You’re sick, Kayo.”

“No, I’m not!”

Rigby seemed to ignore her last comment, though that offered hand of his was retracted. “You’re going to slow me down, K.”

There was an edge to Rigby’s tone which had Kayo feeling guilty. There was also an edge that suggested he felt guilty himself for weaponising the fact against her.

She decided to ignore both. “I’m fine.”

“Are you actually fine, or are you a Tracy Fine?”

“What is Tracy Fine?”

“When you guys say that you’re fine but you’re actually the opposite?”

Kayo huffed at that, barging past him to clear the last few stairs. “That’s very insulting.”

“Is it an insult if it’s the truth?”

Her next move was a very dumb move. She realised this only after she had tried to jump the rest of the steps and found her legs giving out from under her, leaving her crumpled on the floor.

Somehow she managed to refrain from exclaiming sour words because ow, that hurt.

“Tanusha!”

It was the first time he’d ever called her by that name, the name which only a select few in the world chose to use these days. Between the pain spiking in her ankle and the confusion that had set in by that damned fever, only one other man came to her mind, and it wasn’t her father. This man’s face was a despising image whenever she saw it; the very worst of her family, of humanity as a whole. Whenever he spoke her true name, there was always an element of underlying devilry.

With Rigby though, it was a total antithesis. His was filled with care and, in this very moment, worry. 

He raced down the rest of the steps and crouched beside her, offering up more assistance. This time, Kayo didn’t shrug him off.

“Maybe leave the jumping down staircases move for when you’re not ill?”

“For the last time, I am fine!” Kayo was helped into a sitting position, her back up against one of the walls of the small stairwell. “I made it to the bottom, didn’t I?”

A fond, if a little exasperated, chuckle slipped from his lips. “You almost broke your goddamn ankle is what you did.” Rigby gently rested the back of his hand resting against her forehead. The quirk of a smile vanished. “You are not fine. You’re burning up.”

Burning up? Huh, and here she thought she was freezing to death.

“I’m fi—”

“Go back to your ship, Kayo. I can handle it from here.”

“Rigby—”

“That’s an order.”

Kayo cast a glance over, meeting his steel eyes with a sobering realisation; no longer was she dealing with Rigs, her most trusted friend and ally outside of iR, but with Captain Wayne Rigby, one of the GDF’s finest and most efficient officers. In short, Kayo knew her battle was lost.

Before she could give in to the realisation that okay, yes, maybe she was a little sick and that okay, yes, maybe she should sit the rest of this one out, the door beside them swung open on creaking hinges. Two men blocked the doorway and directed a semi-automatic rifle each toward them.

Ah.

“You both took your time. Are the GDF underfunded or something, sending out rookies like you?” One of the men sneered. 

Kayo, though still dazed with fever, managed to hold Rigby back from making a very stupid mistake.

The other rifle-holding man gestured for them to stand. “Don’t give him the satisfaction.” He turned to his partner in crime, giving him a look Kayo couldn’t quite distinguish right in that moment. “The boss wants a word with you first.”

One wound healed, another wound reopened

(a small turkuzbek gangster au drabble i did in the middle of class when i got bored, somehow i had the confidence to post this dumpster fire 😭)

"You throw yourself into danger too much," Nargiza sighed as she grabbed her roll of gauze and placed it next to the first aid kit. "It's been what, the 4th time this week? And it's only Monday..."

She dipped a ball of cotton in ethanol and held his arm firmly. "Careful, this'll hurt." He ripped his arm away.

"I-isn't there some other way to clean this up? Like water?"

"Sure, if you'd like to succumb to some kind of injury. Imagine that on your gravestone: Sadık Adnan, aged 32, unfortunately left us due to contracting sepsis... that'd be kind of embarrassing–" She chuckled.

"Alright, fine. Just–be careful, ok?"

She smiled, and grabbed his arm. "When am I not?"

"Yowch! Like the time you literally came into the line of fire to shield me and your siblings from a bullet?"

"Yeah, I can't help it sometimes...my instinct immediately go towards defense."

"Oh? Suddenly I'm important to you? Hmmmmm?"

"S-stop that! I've just known you since elementary, it's not a big deal!"

And that I've had feelings for you since then...

"I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened, y'know? As abnormal as our lives are, maybe we deserve to live something closest to normal... I'd like to-" Nargiza stopped.

I'm rambling. Thank goodness I stopped myself before-

"What?" He cocked his head at her.

"What do you mean, what?" She stopped wrapping his bandage.

"What do you wanna do? With your life?"

"No–it's a silly thought! I'll keep it that way." Usually her siblings would get the hint and stop pushing. But even though she's known Sadik for years, he never gets the hint.

I'd like to maybe have someone by my side for the rest of my twisted life...only if he'd stop having one night stands with every woman in this city...

"Really–"

"Yes."

"...Okay, then."

What a relief. He finally let it go.

"Oh wait, I forgot to tell you! I met this really hot lady and–"

She tugged at his bandage tightly. Not now. Please.

"Ouch! Hey, what's your deal?" Sadık stared at her.

"You'd think by now you'd realize how uncomfortable you make people when you talk about your womanizing escapades every week."

"What-"

"Bandage is done now. Get up." Nargiza spoke in a steely voice. As steely as she could get her voice to be, anyway. Her voice was beginning to get all shaky, and if she heard another stupid story of him seeing some random girl at a club she'd probably break down.

"Already? Usually we have tea after this, right–"

"Not. Today. Just. Go."

"Come on, you're that upset? What did I do?"

Nargiza lost it.

"If you liked some guy since elementary school and desperately clung onto the idea of eventually getting with him like an absolute fool, only for him to talk about every single hookup he's had the past week years later, wouldn't you ever worry about what was wrong with you? How long it'd take to get him to finally notice you?! How close yet far you were to him every single day?! How much you wished you meant something more to him?!"

Her voice bounced across the room back to her bleeding eardrums. She couldn't remember the last time she yelled like this. Her face felt extremely hot and she felt a wetness around her eyes, head pounding with pain. She felt embarrassment. Regret.

God, I'm so stupid! Why did I do that?!

She took a shaky breath and cleared her throat, wiping her eyes with her sleeves.

"I'm sorry. You're not entitled to anything of mine, but...there's a limit to how much of your stories I can take. How much I listen to. Especially when I..."

The feelings all rushed back and she couldn't speak anymore.

"Just go," she said weakly and curled up into a ball on the floor, engulfed by emotion.

That was one of the very rare times he listened to what she said without fail.

Mental health ramblings and a literal vomit rant

Thanks for the amazing messages of support recently. I read them all and take them to heart, and do a LOT of beating myself up for not always responding. Thanks for being understanding about that. In my support circle, there's is a secret 4th "person" that I have been saved by many times, but actively try not to rely on because that would be bad for many reasons. That secret 4th person is The Positive Interactions I Get On Tumblr.

Hm... Pounded By the Positive Interactions I Get On Tumblr sounds like a GREAT new title for @drchucktingle.

Anyway on to the title of the blog.

Am I sick, or am I depressed?

Like, vomiting feels near. Headache, check, full-body "medicated" feeling, check, hot and cold flashes, check, possible fever sweats or maybe just normal sweats cuz weather's bein' real frickin weird in the Land of Oz in March, check.

Circumstantial evidence suggests stomach flu is likely - it hit The Father, The Kiddo, and a huge percentage of my city's population *crosses self*.

Is it both? After several weeks of my version of pushing myself, this may be the natural low dip.

Is it my period? Probably that, too. The ol' endo pain has been tickling (that's not the right word but it's poetically speaking not the wrong word) at my sides, *checks* yup, boobs are sore. And last month's pimples are nearly healed indicating just about enough time has passed before I can expect new ones (I have a gyno appt on Friday next week - believe me, I am finally asking about getting The Scoop or whatever needs to be done to make this STOP).

Or, is it this weird 4th/5th thing where I'm a bad person and making this happen somehow with my attitude and tendency to "overstate things" (oooh, ouch, I'm still hung up on that). And codependency. Can't hurt to throw that in there (last sobriety meeting covered codependency And It Stirred Things).

Mainly I just wanna know if I'm gonna start projectile vomiting, and since I can't know until it's happening, I'm needlessly documenting this despite the increasing headache, AS WELL AS PREPARING UTTERLY.

Now for my very weird take on vomiting. Here's your chance to opt out of me non-graphically (imo) explaining my personal history with vomiting, vomiting technique, and vomiting etiquette. I do not have a purging eating disorder (no no, just the binge for me, I'm already near my disorder limit for my lifetime). You might be sensitive to/bothered by the following if you do deal with eating disorders.

For my kinksters, this is not about emotophilia. However, feel free to get off on this in the event that that is your thing. I don't love it, but I fully support YOU loving it. (Oh gawd I've turned into that Cringe Kink Parent... Hooray!)

The observant reader can very much tell I am an alcoholic( 172 or 3 days sober, 4 years into recovery journey).

I've long said of myself, even though it's a very weird thing to say facetiously though it's meant, "Self," I says, "if I'm ever being tortured for information (ha!), all they'd need to do is make me nauseous."

I can handle most anything else they could think of, but I'd break under nausea in an instant. I hate, I hate, I HATE nausea. No one loves it lets be real (wait, let me Google that... well, that's just gonna have to be for another day, and possibly a different search engine), but I do think I may have an irrational intolerance for it. I damn near panic. If I can't know for a fact that I can't hydrate, Pepto, or THC my way out of it, my finger is going DOWN DOWN DOWN my throat until enough momentum is going for a full sesh. And if I stop prematurely, that finger is going BACK down.

Additionally, vomiting is messy. Rarely is that the only "evacuating" you're doing at the same time (at least when you're me). And I hate nothing more than cleaning up puke or other fluids. So if I am lucky enough to have some forewarning, you will find me ON a toilet, with a nice, clean bucket or trashcan to puke into (just don't come looking for me, please, why would you do that).

There will be a cup/bottle of water there already, and I will have hydrated enough to make this a smooth operation. There will be a washcloth/towel. Once I even managed to have the space heater in the bathroom waiting for me, because I get really fucking cold AFTER puking. The fan will be on hand somewhere close by to point at me when I get hot before and DURING the vomiting.

I cannot parse the reasons why, but I'm still flattered by the compliment from my last ex - "Wow, you know how to puke like a professional." So many red flags lololol.

So anyway that's the end of my Puke Ted Talk. I'm gonna try and sleep and we'll see if I wake up at the witching hour to puke. Because it's always the witching hour. Have YOU ever woken up to puke at 2 am or 4 am? No. It's always 3.

Azul with an s/o that like really big bears and fills his whole office with them

Azul with an s/o that like really big bears

Header’s art via Twisted Wonderland Official Game {edit by me}

{Headcanons/Scenarios}

Gender Neutral! S/O

___

*squints*

Pretty much having the confused look as he smiles calmly from his seat at your figure that is moving around the giant, fluffy objects into the VIP room.

"That's a lot of bears there, my pearl-"

Deep inside, Azul was about to kick all the bears out of his office with the help of the twins-

But then had second thoughts once he sees how happy you look with that bright smile he gets so whipped for-

Though, Azul would still move the bears away from the couches so there's space for people to sit on during business hours(he does it while giving you a sincere, apologetic smile-)

Of course, he puts them back on the couches before giving you the last one into your arms.

Try to muffle your giggles if he reluctantly sits on one of the stuffed bears' comfy lap, which was placed on his office chair-

... Please stop laughing or he'll start wanting to have an octopus pot near his chair after if you do- ;u;

He would be lying if he thinks the bear doesn't make him look tall when sitting on it tho-

At the end, he starts to get used to it as he keeps his business smile and acts as if the bears do not exist in the room whenever he works-

He freaking brushed the clients' questions that are anything regarding the stuffed bears-

Azul// Alright, let me fill you in for what basically this contract will include, keep in mind that your part of the contract must be done punctually-

Customer// What's with those giant, stuffed bears...?

Azul// What bears? All I see are fishes.

Azul// Anyway. The conditions of this contract are...-

Pretty much scolding Floyd whenever he tries to steal one of your bears that was peacefully placed on the clean office floor without your consent-

If you ever try to put names on the bears, he may or may not have the time to remember all of them as a way to distinguish which bear are you mentioning(if you're also the type to ramble more about them like a mama bear-)

Azul slowly warms up and takes a liking to the bears' company- As he would hug one of them while weeping whenever you're not available to have cuddle hours with- probably would vent about his concerns to them too sometimes-

Of course, he still thinks you are much better than the objects to hug and cuddle with.

He is still waiting patiently for your daily payment (aka your hugs and kisses) to help him keep up with what's in store for the next day,,,- (≧▽≦)

I can imagine Azul finding all the bears cute but still has some favoritism for some of them-(don't blame me hahaha-) such as by remembering their names or prefers to secretly cuddle with certain ones-

Azul counting all the bears that were in the VIP room//

Azul//

Jade// Oya...? Is there anything that concerns you?

Azul// The last time I checked, there were 85 bears in total- but there's only 81- where are the other 4 bears?!

Jade// My... How unfortunate-

Azul// My pearl is going to kill me if a single one of them are missing;;; *internally having the anime crying pose*

Literally not the Leech twins being found by the staff holding bears while smiling as if they're children who got their favorite candies for Azul's dismay-

ramble. under read more. also fixed pacing.

starting off with the ogs diego/gumball and doug those two. god. depressed jester to silly neighborhood old man pipeline. in canon he works at a library now where he sometimes puts on puppet shows. doug is no longer pathetic scared man he teaches geology for fun and as clean-up crew for crime scenes for normal. old probably 58? now? men living with peace and letting their past not get to them. and then matthew and sasha. god . their beef went from like "that purple doesnt match your pants" & "your hairs a mess" to geniune death threats and "YOU WERE MARRIED TO A DRUG SMUGGLER WHO'S SKIN WAS WHITER THAN SNOW" & "I'M NOT LISTENING TO A MAN UNDER 5'5" WHO CAN'T COUNT HIGHER THAN 8 IN ENGLISH WITHOUT USING HIS FINGERS". potato knows whos who. matthew 'ohh good lord what the fuck' to 'i'm PROBABLY traumitized but my boss wants me to go clean the Scary Hallway so I can't think about that right now' domino effect. is it affect? idfc. im in here saying bullshit. speaking of bullshit sasha went from "... please try and get better" to "*grabs you by your eye sockets* You Are Going To Stop Eating Twice A Day. Full Meals Are Not Just Seven Ritz Crackers™️©️ And Sour Cream."

and its great.

she still does taxidermy and murder. taxidermy's her side-job since she works as a welder now. shes in there with blowtorches welding shit. your car needs repairs? shes got it boss. oh yeah matthew working as a knight in rp-1 is funny if you consider how his main job went from freddy fazbears janitor to comfortably retired lighthouse keeper. OHHHHH CHARLES I ALMOST FORGOT CHARLES he died in canon. not really. you ever get zombied. yeah jhe got zombied. i should start breaking this up but i cant

snapshot at the start of the rp was just. fucked up guy with a dead wife and platoon with a pet mouse droid. he went into a coma so he didnt participate in order 66 and misses his wife. alot. but NOW? NOW???

okay so imagine walking out of a hospital room, disorented as shit and you go to find your wife jedi and fellow clones and when you DO find them shes just cut one in half with her light saber. Turning to you with fear, she almost chops your head off but you stumbling back and showing that your unarmed gets her to stop. "It was self defense," the jedi pleads for you to understand as your blood flows into your mouth, preventing you from screaming but you want to scream, need to scream.

You both are uneasy and fearful, trying to calm down. Order 66, something you just thought of as a far off nightmare to enact, had happened a mere few minutes ago.

years later, probably a decade, the tragedity now only becoming stale on your mind- a healing wound to your already mangled brain- you had been cut off from the "empire", hiding on fucking HOTH of all planets. You managed, sure, but it was still hoth… "Your" Jedi, surviving by faking her own death with you saying you had killed her, picking you up randomly only to tell you that your being relocated to a terrestrial planet. So called 'Retirement' in some barely populated town, living on a farm. Great.

nottt much really changed except for TMCs status. just that they upgraded from living in a shitty one room apartment to a still shitty apartment where the bedroom, living room, dining room and bathroom were seperate rooms. also parents. good for it.

neeed to traumitize that war machine

anyways my ocs going from eueueueuuuu to Can You Shut Up im going to Kill You With My Bare Hands is funny

conffession sometimes i watered downn my oc when using them. im shouting into the void but do you guys think you could handle he/him sasha. i feel like if i ever rp again with any of you itd be hell because ive just done so much stupid ass writing with my little sillies. like andreas' kingdom got slightly more fucked but id keep it silly for yall

No I’ve been so bad with restricting this month. December really fucked me over with Christmas having to eat so much around family that I can’t remember what I did in October/november to lose the bulk of my weight and I didn’t even exercise! Just my steps in work and really high restriction! I need to get back to that in February. I want to be at least 50kg by the end of June, in time for my birthday. That’s 5 whole months. I lost 16kg in 2.5. I can easily lose the other 12 in 5 months if I stop being such a fucking fat ass and eating literally everything in sight.

I’m not stepping on those scales for a couple of weeks while I get my ass back in to gear, that’s for sure.

I clearly can’t let myself have cheat/metab days because as soon as I eat something substantial I cannot stop. Even when my stomach is screaming at me in pain because I’m so full I can’t stop. When I’m restricting and I know I’m liquid fasting or eating very strict foods I’m perfectly fine and in control. There’s no in between with me. So the metab/cheat days stop now until I’m at my goal weight, end of.

January has just been an awful month anyway I think. seasonal depression has been whooping my ass 7 ways to Sunday so February is gonna be my fresh start.

I’ve started taking my vitamins and thyroid medication again, it’s only been a week but I feel so much better in myself already. I’ve been going on the sunbeds (idc about cancer I’m gonna die someday soon, probably, anyway leave me alone at least I’ll die skinny and with a tan. Plus I’m in the uk and there is literally no sun here until that one day in July/august when it decides to show and I suck at self tanning and I’m also way too lazy to do it so give me a break.)

I’m also setting myself a very self indulgent, unnecessarily long shower/skincare routine to help pass time every day (and to look fresh and clean and feel good 24/7 because I keep letting myself go and I hate myself for it. Lazy bitch.)

Also, gonna treat myself to a fold away treadmill at some point in this next 2 weeks. I love going out on long walks and listening to podcasts and my music but the last couple of times i did it I don’t know… my anxiety really got to me and I felt like people where looking at me and judging me for being fat so I haven’t done a long walk in like 2 weeks. So I think having that treadmill at home where I feel safe and I can listen to/watch anything I want, walk for as long as I want and feel comfortable will do me wonders.

I’m also gonna buy a set of dumb Bells and start doing a little bit of weight training at home. Nothing too intense. I just want to build a bit of muscle because as they say the more muscle you have the higher your bmr - the more calories you burn just by living every day. I do eat quite a bit of protein in my omad and I have a protein shake every morning for breakfast so I do eat enough protein to build muscle I hope 🤞🏻

My ramble for the day, I feel like I haven’t rambled in ages 😂

Long rambly.

Got a little too enthusiastic to get those remaining ponies clean and now there are too many ponies in each station and I can’t move anyone forward until I clear out the later stations.

Got a few more ponies in the soup, and a few more ready to go in the soup when that batch is done. No other progress can be made until more soup is done.

I don’t go up and down the stairs to take photos unless there are a bunch of ponies to photograph. One or two more soups should do it.

-

I just spent over an hour fighting with extremely hydrophobic potting soil and I am annoyed. (Also looks like I wouldn’t have been mowing today anyway, it’s raining.)

It was the bottom of a bag of dirt that’s been here long enough to dry out completely, and that got me thinking that maybe a lot of fine particles settled to the bottom and that’s why it can’t rehydrate. Which I understand but can’t explain.

Anyway, I ended up aggressively straining it with water at the sink, effectively rinsing the dirt part of the dirt and likely most of the nutrients out. I do have a fresh bag of dirt that I’ve topped it off with, so it’s not totally devoid of dirt-dirt and nutrients, and I have that bone, scale, feather, and blood fertilizer.

Anyway I finally said fuck it and made That Guy pay full price for two more of those little face planters at Target. I got the dark one on clearance last summer but the others never did go on clearance. They have some of the baby succulents I’d propagated in them, now. One is the PERFECT size for a pudding cup I had, so I used that one as a cache pot, and the other I had to fill with dirt completely because I don’t have a suitable plastic cup to use as an insert.

I suppose I could move the larger plant from the darker pot to the medium pot and then use another pudding cup in the darker pot with the small baby succulent, but I don’t know if I have the patience for that at the moment.

I’m getting really annoyed with That Guy regarding my plants, though. He gets agitated every time I prune them, separate them, or move them to more suitable containers. When I said I was going to make friends for the older one he begged me not to “hurt” it.

It’s no wonder his pepper plant is struggling.

I also rinsed and strained the dirt the sad, soggy, Happy Bean plants are in because it was from the bottom of the same bag of dirt and equally hydrophobic.

I want to order more silicone trays. They’re great for keeping the windowsill clean while also allowing further drainage from the pots. I do let them sit in the sink on a grate to drain after watering, but sometimes there are still some dribbles.

-

And then my stomach was like “You skipped breakfast and I’m going to hurt you, now.” so I’m sitting down and having some breakfast.

I wish I could stop being angry at myself when I drop food. It’s not something I can do anything about and I drop things constantly, but it infuriates me regardless.

-

16 years we’ve lived here next month and we’re still getting junk mail for the previous owners. We’ve also lately been getting mail for a Charlie and Karen Rose whom we’ve never heard of.

When their dad died, we were getting mail for That Guy and his sister as though they were married, which was weird. Their dad did some paperwork magic when he was about to lose the house when they were little and made them the owners, and the owners being minors meant it couldn’t be taken by the bank, or something like that, so as soon as their dad died the WE BUY HOUSES AS-IS vultures started sending postcards here.

-

I’m getting to the point that I’m ready for Son to leave in the mornings because the noise videos he likes are so horrible that they cause me physical pain. Some sounds do.

That Guy said that as soon as Son has his license he (That Guy) is going to get him an application at one of the local grocery stores that we don’t shop at, and I’m like... Did you ASK Son if he wants to work there? If he doesn’t want to work there he will cause trouble on purpose.

Also, why not me? Why not help ME get a job?

Because then he won’t be 100% in financial control, and if I have enough money to leave him, I will.

My teeth hurt sometimes, just. In general. They’ve done this a while now, mostly when the weather changes. It starts in my jaw and creeps up my teeth until I can’t chew very well because I don’t want to move my jaw or put pressure on my teeth. It also means sleeping’s difficult, and just. Most things weirdly become a lot more difficult when you don’t want to chew. My jaw’s been like this for a week or so now? I think. I mostly don’t notice it starting until sleeping gets harder.

Anyway, all that to say it’s been a Rough day when it comes to my body and brain working correctly. I woke up when I usually do, took my adhd meds, and then fell asleep for another three hours. I streamed today after talking with some friends, and about a hour after my two hour stream, I just hit a wall. I’m already tired enough to go back to sleep now. Everything is shaky and tender and it’s… such a slap in the face. Sometimes.

Especially because I don’t register pain like this. It doesn’t occur to my brain to interpret it that way. I get tired, I feel pressure more sharply, but I don’t feel pain unless I stop to check in. So if you asked me today what I was feeling… I’d tell you Im tired. I’d tell you I feel shaky and maybe kind of feverish, that my legs dont want to work at any faster pace. I’d tell you my body feels weak and that my neck and head ache, because that’s about the only pain on me that’s sharp, that changes, that waxes and wanes.

And at some point today I finally registered that I was feeling pain. That my hands are shaking because every nerve in them is sending a constant signal. My arms feel heavy and my legs feel wobbly and my joints feel unstable because every nerve is sending a message I can’t read. Its kind of funny, in a way - if I stop focusing on reading that message as pain, it stops registering that way again. Like Francis Freeman, the villian in the first Deadpool movie? One of his powers is not feeling pain.

I’m not sure what my point here really is? I don’t share often, and I don’t enjoy being pitied. I don’t want to feel like someone who needs saving. Your princess is in another castle, all that. I just wanted it written. I keep hitting dead ends and my pcp doesn’t know how to help me. I can’t get disability and I can’t work enough to support myself, so I don’t have much of s choice on whether I stay with my mum - and she can’t afford to pay for my car. And I can feel my body degrading, even if I don’t look at the hours I used to be capable of. I used to work nearly 40hrs a week closing s daycare, keeping up with kids and cleaning the place. Then 25, cleaning a clinic. Now I work 8 cleaning an office, and can’t afford gas to get there. I won’t lie, if I let myself think about it too long, it gets frightening.

I don’t know. I hate dwelling on things I can’t fix, and I loathe feeling sorry for myself. If I can’t make a joke about it, I don’t want to deal with it. But a part of me also doesn’t want what’s happening to me to be forgotten. A part of me wants a record. A part of me wants to be convinced that I’m not… insane? That I’m not faking it, somehow, that I’m actually in pain that I can’t feel anymore. That other people don’t feel this way all the time. That what people told me as a kid, dismissed, that it’s wrong. That they didn’t know I was feeling something bad.

I wish school had taught us practical things. Like how much pain the average non-ill person is every day (none). To this day I still pose questions about it to one of my friends who has an old shoulder injury but no widespread issues like this, just to check.

Ive rambled enough, I think. I’m gonna shower and sleep. Have a good timezone, if you decided to read all that for some reason.

Personal ramblings under the read more. Nothing serious just introspective. Some of you might relate.

You ever start feeling like yourself after weeks/months/years of feeling like you've been in a horrible fog? Lately I've started to feel like I did pre-2016. By that I mean things are clear direction wise and I don't feel suffocated by the world around me. I've had a lot of (understatement) personal obligations I had to take care of after I graduated and it just kept snowballing from there. The pandemic put things into perspective for a lot of people, myself included. I've come to realize I've just been coasting and abandoning things that once used to make me happy. Happy things made me feel guilty and depressed in a way because, "I have more important tasks that need to be taken care of". That was my excuse anyway; I honestly just over exerted myself for others in order to keep some form of peace in my life. I wore myself out. And while I did have important things to do, I stopped making time for myself and the things I love. I was consumed by work and stress from so much personal shit hitting me left and right. I thought to myself, "I can't make time for __, then ___ will never get done." I let a lot of bs rule my time and I'm very much over that. There will always be instances where something important comes up but I believe it's also important that I take care of myself and I just, haven't...

I feel weird, like I just "woke up" out of whatever dream was plaguing me. It feels like returning home from work and you notice everything is covered in dust and cobwebs, even though you know your home was clean before you left. It doesn't feel right, it feels cold and confusing to look around. You question how long you have been away at work. Has it been days?? Weeks??? Months!?? No, that can't be right and yet it clearly must have been. How have I never noticed time ticking by so fast and how could I have been gone so long? I feel stunned, like I've been walking around with my eyes closed this whole time.

All of that aside, it feels good to pick up the pieces again but I know it's going to be a day-to-day process until I'm back on track like I used to be. I feel bad that I have been mentally out of it for so long. I'm also aware I'm being hard on myself for saying that. Stress can really shut anyone down and I should be giving myself a bit of grace here. Shit happens and sometimes it takes a while to figure yourself out again. I'm a busy bee that likes to be productive and learning to relax/take time for myself has been a struggle. I'm doing it though! Even if I slip up I'm going to keep going. Anyway, if you read all this, good job you stayed to the end! Now go enjoy the world around you, go be happy because that's what I'm going to do. Have a good day everyone <3

Kaoru and Dimitri, how did you feel when you found out you're brainwashed?

Also, Kaoru. Is Hui annoying to you? She talks alot and I see Miles going to Andros (my bell oc) and begging him to talk to Hui.

Lastly, can Andros hug u guys? (>°~°)>

"Ohayo, Nutella!. It's great to see you here."

"Privet, Comrade. So, we're going to answer three questions, right?"

"Mhm, now let's start with the first question."

The two paused for a moment as they look at each other with their eyebrows furrowed. Dimitri scrunches his face as he clenched his fist, gritting his teeth as he could feel the rage inside of him. Kaoru feels disbelief on her behalf but proceeds to answer the question.

"I feel... Betrayed, betrayed by those people I thought that I could trust. All those memories were just tampered and falsified. Everything about them are lies. I trusted them, I looked at them as allies.. but it's all gone now. They're a disgrace in this world, they don't bring honor to themselves and to the people, they're nothing but rats."

"Those fuckers brainwashed us to get intel. They're just some assholes who only craves for intel and milk them dry until their very last breaths. This is a huge blunder for the CIA, no matter how much they would hide the facts to keep themselves clean, they're going to pay for what they have done to those people who were killed during the process..."

The two went silent after telling their answers. Kaoru lets out a sigh and breaks the silence once again to change the subject from those heart aching revelation.

"It really made a huge impact to us, but the past is in the past. Now that's finally answered, let's go to the next one... About Hui, well... She is quite a talkative one. She always talked about her grandfather Xiu, a friend of my grandfather Takeo Masaki. When she found out about me as Ojisan's descendant, she quickly began to talk about her grandfather being with him throughout their adventure killing zombies, non stop. But I don't find her annoying, to be honest, I love listening to her rambling about how cool Xiu is. But I hope she could atleast know my personal space sometimes."

"I remember she would constantly hugs you whenever she sees you elsewhere. She would even ruin our date when the two of us are relaxing on the park!"

"Dimi... Sorry about him, he just hates Hui interrupting our date."

"Ugh! Anyway... Andros hugging us? For fuck sake do I have time for this shit?! Nyet!"

"Dimi, it's just a friendly hug. Andros' is a friendly one so maybe you can get along with him."

"Grr... Ugh, fine. But don't make it too long."

"Alrighty then, tell Andros when you see him. Anyways, We're glad to answer your questions!"

You’re so sweet :+) reading every bit! 😖 it makes me happy that enjoy my words and how I feel. Babygirl please don’t feel forced to be here. Or even if you want to be allow yourself time to be away. If you want! I can try making posts like before. Silly. Like this posts so you can interact with me even when you’re not really feeling it. If you want. I’ll throw you a curve ball to see if your really reading close! I’ll be like! (Ex. Don’t! Like this if you want me to kiss and cuddle you!) and we’ll see what you do! I’m bein silly. Main thing is. Let daddy do the talking! And I’ll be thinking of you smiling as you read

My poor princess. I wish I could be yours. Or idk. I still feel for you of course but also I care. I’d love to help you relax. Setting up a hang out sesh at our house. Or. A house 😖. I’d order us some yummy food. The lights would be low with Xmas lights in the back ground. We’d have different colors for holidays. We’d have purple and orange for the Halloween time. Anyways. Relaxing! And smoke from our bong 🙈

Rambles. I’m so happy that your still looking to the positives. It makes me proud. I know life’s hard. And things happen we don’t expect. But! You’re not letting it stop you. I’m cheering you on!

I wish you the best baby. Grr. I know things are really tough. I know I cant do anything. But. I’m here with you every step of the way. You’re gonna make it! 💎 my gem.. 🙈

Oooh! My cute gamer girl again! Oh my gosh 🙈 you have the Xbox app.. and still have me as a friend to where you can see me getting on 🥹. Oh my gosh.. that’s going to make me smile every time I get online now. You being out there. Seeing something showing that I’m bout to play games. And. It makes you smile 🙈 gosh.. sometimes I get self conscious. Like. We haven’t been together in a while. In relationship and just in general. And. Obviously the way you and I have interacted it shouldn’t be weird how I talk or share how I think about you. I’ll be like. Hmph. That’s silly. But then you’ll say cute things I dont expect like the Xbox thing and smiling just seeing something that reminds you of and I’m just like. :,+) even if we do never see each other again. I’m happy to still know how you’re doing. Even if it’s not ideal. I’m happy to know your changing and growing. And still following your path making your decisions. You say things like us being soul mates. ( which can be more than just dating of course) but. Still I agree. Even with our ups and downs. When I think of you. All I can do is smile. I’m high and sleepy bcuz I’ve been doing FedEx and culvers these last few days. Culvers isn’t bad. Make some food. Prep some food. Clean some dishes. Clean often. Leave. The people are chill. Which is what I like about most fast food places. The grill people are chill and accepting of me being new. Also it’s not too hard and McDonald’s isn’t far off. So. I’m kinda able to hold my own while they do their shit. Rambles! Point was. Extra money. Isn’t hateful

Now. I’m done. I hope your good. Remember. Take some time! Read if you want. Don’t respond for bit again. Let daddy’s words soothe! Idk how much I’ll post but. Still! Mwah kisses and cuddles if you want. Goodnight! 💜💎🧡

Give and take.

First of all, she changed the trash baggs into reciclable baggs, so thats pretty obvious my brother isnt gonna take out the trash anymore, because it means hell have to wash the baggs, and i know my brother, hes gonna refuse with all his soul.. and knowing her, shes gonna let him and turn it to me... So not only i wash everybodies dishes, i take all the trash, clean and now aparently im gonna have to cook for all, because she has been becoming really passive agressive because i dont cook for them...

So this week i got covid, and the first 4 days i was in bed with a really bad fever. My mom called the doctor for me the first 2 days and went out to buy the medicine for me, and even washed the dishes on the first 3 days. Ofc now i have to pay for those actions, because nothing comes from her as actual mom duty. But more like she gave me something now i have to pay, and this is how. So im back to washing the dishes wich is fine, i still have a bad cought and headachas but thats all. So yesterday i woke up, she turns to me and says " oh can you go and buy me a chicken for lunch, i dont feel so good ", so i proceed to ask her what shes feeling, she goes on rambling but says pretty much nothing concrete, just " doesnt feel well ". I put on my mask and i go out to buy the chicken, now this is the first time i left the house since i caught covid, and even tho im almost healed, i am still defnatly not healed. My head started hurting rlly bad outside, and having a mask, with strong caught and a very dry nose i ocassionaly started suffocating in the midle of the street, and had a really bad cough attack inside the butcher shot... not very pleasent.. but all is good, mission acomplish, i got the chicken and went back home. After this the cought was worse the rest of the day, non stop, and very agressive cought. She spends the day laying down in the couch, " oh can you cook me this ", " can you take out the trash ", " can you grab me that ".... And i do those things, just so she doesnt go on her rage mode. I tell her to take a stomach medicine or a paracetamol since she isnt feeling well, and again , she doesnt take anything or call the doctors... as if she wants to get sick on purpose or something.. She says she feels sick in her stomach, she eats a stake and immediatly lays down, i tell her if shes sick in the stomach and lays down right after eating it will get worse, she doesnt listen and still does it, and this goes on and on. At night again, does the same shit. Today i woke up to them laughing about it, my mother and brothers. My brothers comments : so you are really hopping to get sick. And she replies : i am i am. And they both laugh. I only caught this part of the conversation i mean, they were right in front of my door speaking, it was 9 am and i had just woken up with all the noise they were making. I get up and go to the living room, now shes sitting on the couch " not feeling well ", and again " go take out the trash " , " put away the dishes " , " go here and buy this this and this , then you go here and you buy this, and i also need this, and that from there and so on "... Usualy when id get sick, i would always take care of my own shit , or even hide being sick because she would get really weird about it, or doubt that im actualy sick, like the other day she admitted that she didnt believe i had a fever. I found that she was coming into my room at 3-5 am to check my temperature because she thought i was faking the fever... LIKE , everytime i mesured my fever id show her... wtf. But anyways, i mean with this fever it was impossible to get anything done, i got so cold , that the cold would feel like pain spikes at some point, it was really weird... Even when i get covid shes the exact same old shit of a person... I just wanna get out of here.