#and no i’m not trying to romanticize any disorders.. i just personally don’t know how to cope anymore without telling myself my symptoms | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

call-sign-shark · 1 month

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hi shark,

I saw your recent post on heaven's habit of not eating and arthur catching her fainting and so on..

I wanted to share my thoughts since I've actually been diagnosed with/struggled with anorexia in the past

To make not eating a sort of, “personality trait” for heaven, feels a bit insensitive considering some people struggle with disordered eating. And arthur’s reaction, “catching her” is sort of romanticizing eating disorders too..

It feels unrealistic to real life, and the fact that arthur just routinely catches her fainting doesn't really show concern. Someone needs medical intervention if they are starving themselves.. intentionally or not

I think his tendency to notice when she is about to faint sort of perpetuates the issue, because he’s allowing the behavior and not really helping her

That idea in general of heaven “forgetting to eat” also might lead people to imagine that not eating will lead to having a man fawn over them, and that could potentially invoke the intentional neglect of food.. it’s l not realistic to real life, and might be sending a bad message

I don’t know.. I think that whole concept just kind of triggered me a bit and left a bad taste in my mouth

Maybe it’s my own personal issues with eating in the past that are making me feel upset about it..

I’m really not trying to attack you at all, and I know your heart intent wasn’t bad. I just wanted to share my thoughts and give more awareness on that sort of eating disorder realm to consider when conjuring ideas/scenarios like this.

If there’s more to it I’d be open to hearing an explanation

TW: Eating disorder and very harsh discourse.

Hey, thank you so much for this message. I am glad you took the time to send this to me and write it so politely. Don't worry I don't feel attacked at all, and I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I should have put a trigger warning for sure. Let's make things clear: I've never intended to make ED a personality trait nor to romanticize it. By the way, it really hurts the fuck out of me to read this - but that ain't your fault, I'm glad you shared your feelings. First of all, you have to know something about me: Some people here already know it but I've been suffering from eating disorders for the past ten years and it is still literally impeding my happiness. It keeps me from enjoying simple things and it leaves me crying in the middle of the bathroom pinching my stomach/thighs and making me feel like I should grab a knife to cut the excess of fat or, at least, starve myself. And I'm not fucking exaggerating. The only reason I have a healthy weight and try to get better is my family/partner, so please don't think I'm trying to romanticize it while it's literally impacting my everyday life.

I decided to share this headcanon in a light tone because I wanted to shed light on a more fragile aspect of Heaven, who is a character with an aura of a monstrous, supernatural, and murderous creature. It doesn't make her cool or cute, it does show that she's plagued with trauma and disorders. That was the process behind my post. When people started to joke about it and find it cute I went with the flow because taking this issue lighter and turning it into a "fun fact" makes me feel better. Yes, it's selfish. Yes the jokes make the issue unrealistic, but it doesn't mean that my actual depiction of it is. Also, yes, meming isn't everyone's way to cope with things but it's mine. I am personally convinced that we can laugh about everything as long as it isn't done with malicious intents. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I feel. I'm really sorry if it came out insensitive to you and others.

Your thoughts about Arthur's lack of concerns are really interesting because as I shared this fact as a light-hearted headcanon without any details, I knew someone would eventually come at me with this so let me expand on it with more precisions: He doesn't just "routinely" catch her. What I meant to say is that it's something he's aware of and he's always worried about her, that's why he's keeping an eye on her. When he's home he makes sure she has eaten properly, but he can't be 100% behind her back. When his wife faints it doesn't make him laugh and he doesn't brush it off as if it was a casual/trivial thing, quite the contrary he's insanely concerned and immediately proceeds to give her something to eat. Moreover, I already mentioned that he hates her relationship with food in this ask. It doesn't come from nowhere.

Also, Arthur doesn't encourage the issue. He obviously actively tries to help her the best he can but I think you're in the right place to understand that external help doesn't do the entire job. In addition, I think we should take into account that they come from the '20s and that seeking mental help was probably harder than it is nowadays. Heaven herself is not aware that it's a disorder and that it's not normal.

Another part I'd like to briefly comment: "That idea in general of heaven “forgetting to eat” also might lead people to imagine that not eating will lead to having a man fawn over them" While I perfectly understand how someone could think these kind of things now that you have explained it to me, I literally didn't think about this AT ALL when writing my headcanon. Like, It didn't even cross my mind. I'm not the most empathic person so I'm going to be honest with you, when I read this part I was like "??? ah ok ??". For me, the fact that it's not the case is obvious. But my apologies if someone had understood the headcanon in this way because it's literally false and not what I meant to write. Please keep in mind that while it's okay to tell me when I am inconsiderate, I'm by no means a role model and it's not my job to overthink every of my posts. Yet, I do think I should have put a trigger warning.

Now, I'm going to stop here because it's already long enough and honestly I don't want to have a serious talk about EDs. It's already something I have to face IRL and as I said, EDs ruin my life on fucking daily basis. Moreover I have a bad case of sinusitis and my head hurts. The most important info I want you to take from this reply are that: I didn't intend to romanticize or normalize EDs / I know the struggle and I exorcize it through Heaven, even if this fact doesn't make me exempt from flaws and being careless/ While I talk about this in a light/casual tone it's actually concerning for Heaven / Arthur dislikes it, it's not entertaining it's frightening for him. It's the source of many of their arguments. Thank you again Nonny, I hope my explanations make things clearer. Take care of you by the way and once again, I really appreciate your honesty! :)

#Shark talks #Arthur Shelby #Arthur Shelby x reader #Peaky Blinders #HYE Squad #Heaven Shelby

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beardedmrbean · 25 days

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https://x.com/fuckkoroks/status/1780650702894989334?s=46

Canadian government: *Treated their native population so inhuman Andrew Jackson would blush*

Leftist: Pushing for MAID on the homeless is the result of capitalism

Okay does leftists talk to any mentally ill person who don’t romanticize mental disorders often tell them it usually the GOVERNMENT that cause issues for us

Let me use my autism as example, as you already know the idea of autism=low functioning muted white kid

Also non white and female autistic people, when you are usually part of communities that barely understand mental illness as it is. You usually are undiagnosed for a while

Of course it got better…but the autistic “community” on tumblr shows the bitterness

Ugh another rate, I hate how modern kids media tell autistic kids (it’s fucking insufferable with black kids characters) that it a SUPERPOWER

But as you know the government been trying to kill people like me for generations as we are “burdens” to the system

Yes yes this in Canada, but I don’t understand how leftists are shocked by it?

What easier for an out of touch government, spending millions of dolllars in mental rehabilitation…I think lefties presume mentally recovery is like a kid cartoon character arc. Just because a lot of us don’t act like Hollywood ideas of a damage person. Doesn’t mean it don’t take a few years to recover (I’m still am)

Or old yeller such a burden?

Sorry for ranting

I feel like everything with that tweet is being misrepresented by everyone, leftist on purpose other person because they didn't read the article, a mistake I will not make. Let's see if I'm right

Article link

If a Canadian’s only affliction was “poverty,” 27 per cent said they would be fine with legalizing that person’s access to MAID. Another 28 per cent pegged “homelessness” as an appropriate bar to qualify for MAID. And 20 per cent of respondents were fine with MAID being handed out to anybody for any reason. In other words, one fifth of respondents agreed with the sentiment “medical assistance in dying should always be allowed, regardless of who requests it.” Notably, these most absolutist supporters of assisted suicide were pretty evenly distributed among age groups, regions and even political demographics: 20 per cent Conservatives, 20 per cent of NDPers and 22 per cent of Liberals were in the “always be allowed” camp.

Disturbing so far, but nothing to do with capitalism, there's poor people in every socioeconomic system and statistically lower number in capitalist/mixed economies.

One of the more controversial aspects of MAID has been a number of high-profile cases in which Canadians with serious illnesses opted for death only after years of failing to obtain proper medical care. The Research Co. poll found a slim majority of respondents who were fine with this, too; 51 per cent endorsed “inability to receive medical treatment” as sufficient reason for an assisted death.

The state's medical system not being able to treat people is not the fault of capitalism, not after they offered maid to the woman who just wanted a lift put in so she go upstairs in her home more easily.

The practice of referring or recommending assisted suicide has also spread well beyond the traditional boundaries of the health-care system. Notably, MAID is routinely practised within the Canadian prison system, despite similar measures proving deeply controversial in Belgium, a pioneer in assisted suicide legalization.

Ya this is government cost cutting measures at this point, not a capitalist issue given the people that seem to be being offered it, that and all the reports I've seen were there actually seems to be some pressure being offered to get the procedure.

They should go back to being honest and calling it assisted suicide.

Bunch of related stuff But as you know the government been trying to kill people like me for generations as we are “burdens” to the system Yes yes this in Canada, but I don’t understand how leftists are shocked by it?

Wait they're shocked? They've been some of the one's leading the charge

I don't know what snopes says but the mixture for me is that they can't actually eliminate down syndrome, it's not something their eugenics program can accomplish.

Cystic fibrosis they could do by sterilizing anyone that has the gene, granted if one parent does and one doesn't the odds of a CF child drop to zero, so genetic screening and tell parents where both have the gene they can't have kids maybe, see how that goes over.

Time to spruce up the sanatoriums they closed down decades ago so we can jail people who have committed no crime, or committed a crime that doesn't generally carry a prison sentence under the guise of 'it's for their own good'

But ya it's easier to live in a fantasy land where forcing people into treatment might actually work than it is to work with people and try and get them to decide that it might be a good idea.

Or old yeller such a burden?

To be fair Old Yeller had rabies, that was a mercy killing, fatal 100% of the time and a nasty way to go.

I do get your point though.

Sorry for ranting

No apologies needed, not sure when I'm gonna be able to have the time to get through whatever your next one is though, 98% chance going to get me pa from the hospital tomorrow and if so everything is gonna be delayed a bit.

#zoomer huey anon

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pokenimagines · 1 year

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Submission Guidelines

Request Template:

In order to make things easier, please copy and paste one of these six templates depending on what you're requesting. I ask that you use this so that not only will I have a clear view of what you want, but so people reading my content will be able to make an informed decision if they would like to read the contents of the request: (Bolded words are for you to fill out)

Platonic SFW Character | Headcanons | Request Information

Platonic SFW Character | Fic | Request Information

Romantic SFW Character | Headcanons | Request Information

Romantic SFW Character | Fic | Request Information

NSFW Character | Headcanon | Request Information

NSFW Character | Fic | Request Information

Character = The name of the character I'll be writing for.

Request Information = What you're wanting me to write. If you don't fill this out, I will delete. Don't just state a character, I need something to go off of.

Romantic vs Platonic = How you want me to go about the request. Will I be writing them in a romantic or a platonic way.

If you want to gush about characters or say something to me personally in a request, you're more than welcome. Just state the request beforehand.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me or Queenie on our main blogs @salticart and @queeniesrose or ask in the inbox. Queenie and I aren't able to DM on this blog as it's a joint account.

Things I will write:

NSFW (All NSFW posts will be tagged "Spicy Salt", so if you don't wish for this content to appear on your feed, block that tag).

Romantic Relationships (This will be for 18+ characters only)

Friendship/Platonic Relationships (I will write for the minors of the series with these relationships exclusively)

Found Family Dynamics (Can be for any character)

Soft Yandere (If it gets into anything that is iffy and goes into the Non-Con/Dub-Con category, then I won't write it)

List of Scarlet/Violet Characters

List of Sword and Shield Characters

List of Sun and Moon Characters

List of Legends of Arceus Characters

Things I won’t write:

Romanticizing Underaged Characters: I will age up characters for certain requests, however if it involve anything romantic or sexual on a character that is canon underaged, then I will not be writing it. I understand a lot of the games don't state character ages, but there's some characters that you just know are underaged.

Non-con or Dub-con

Suicide/Self harm, eating disorders, mentions of rape. Mainly things that can trigger people or myself!

DDLG, Water sports, Scat, I refuse to write it so never ask.

Pet play of any kind (including puppy play, kitten play, pony play, etc) [NO HORSES]

Things referring to kids or pregnancy, or being parents. I know it’s a weird one but I have a bit of a phobia of children and such due to my job so I’d prefer not to write that stuff.

Disabilities: I don't think I can accurately write for a disability that I do not have, and I don't want to misrepresent serious topics. In order to stop this from happening, I choose not to write it.

I know there’s more when I remember them I’ll update this!

Things to keep in mind:

- I'm more likely to write your request if you put in the proper formatting that is at the top of the post.

- When sending in a request, please only do one character. It takes me a lot longer to do multiple characters at a time, and clogs up the ask box. So one character per request. Thank you!

- Please do not ask for a specific gender. I do non binary to keep it all inclusive. If it's for a smutty story, I will be writing two versions if what's in the pants is absolutely necessary. There’s plenty of gendered imagines out there, I want everyone to feel included. Hella hard when you’re non-binary or the opposite gender and you’re trying to read an imagine with a gender you don’t identify with.

- If I’m uncomfortable with a request at all, and it’s anonymous, I’ll just delete it. So if you sent an interesting request that ends up not being written, please don’t send it in again. I don’t delete anything unless I refuse to write it.

- If you sent in a request when they’re closed, I will also be deleting said request. You can always resend it in once they’re open. This is to just help keep my box as clear as possible so I can focus on what needs to be done. Don’t ask me to keep it in the box for when they open up again. That’s counter intuitive to my box being closed and makes me a bit upset.

- If I have an imagine already written but it doesn’t include the characters you like, you can always send and ask for a continuation with the characters you like, I’ll be more than happy to do so!

- It might take a while to get to certain imagines. I work a full-time job and and run another writing blog for Twisted Wonderland, so I'm vey busy.

- You can request more than one thing, I don’t mind, just don’t send me a list of 100 things to write, please.

- If you happen to find a list of prompts you’d think would be fun for me to go through, send it to me. I’ll totally do requests off prompt lists

Discord Server

Hello everyone! As the new games have been released we wanted to do an ad for our discord server! We have been revamping the server in hopes of creating a better experience for all who join and that we will get some new friends!

We do have some rules for the server, along with a few perks. This includes:

To join the server, you MUST be at least 16 years of age.

Similar to here, anything underage/pedophilia related will not be tolerated.

No transphobic/homophobic/terf behavior will be tolerated.

Advanced notice of when the inbox is open!

Reward roles! With a bot we have in the server, the more you level up through chatting, the more cosmetic roles you can get. (This is new, and will go live after games are released.)

For those who RP or are interested in trying out RP for the first time, we will be revamping our RP section. We hope to get this more active again.

Besides the Pokémon related stuff, we have also have a writers section and an artist section for you to share your work!

#queenie speaks #salt speaks #request rules

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hellshandbasket · 1 year

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You just have to elaborate on the “I mean like even the apple seeds” tag on your Dennis’ pain and how Mac takes care of it post because I am very intrigued and can’t infer on that myself!

haha you guys should stop enabling me. anyway. yes i will humanize even the apple seeds joke and make it about macdennis + pain. (tw for light/vague discussions of disordered eating)

my favorite thing about this particular unhinged take is that it focuses on how dysfunctional the macdennis dynamic is instead of just the sweeping romanticism of mac being able to see dennis’ pain and attend to it, because it highlights how mac sometimes does that to an unhealthy/incorrect degree.

but i digress. sorry to keep you waiting. the apple seeds: it’s about the way mac takes dennis’ distress over the thing seriously, and offers dennis genuine and caring counsel.

in fact, if i use the tidy little “mac is the only one able to attend to dennis’ pain and dennis can’t let go of that” theory it explains why dennis would allow himself to believe something so fucking dumb as “cigarette smoke smothers the poisonous apple seeds in your stomach.” we all know dennis has issues with food. both mac and dennis have body image issues, and mac has fluctuating issues with food himself. but about dennis—mr undiagnosed eating disorder himself. i don’t think he has just a restrictive/body image based eating disorder, but something like arfid or ocd, where he has innumerable neuroses and anxieties around his food intake.

this is where it gets toxic because mac is aware of this and takes it upon himself to be like, dennis’ food bodyguard. he’s actually trying to love and care for dennis, but he doesn’t know any better and ends up enabling dennis’ instead (macdennis i’m obsessed with you). gang chokes is like, about this. but md break up talks about it and the apple seeds thing are the greatest example for me, and a huge manifestation of the macdennis + pain thing imo.

there’s the apple skin thing to start, which is a great instance of how this would work. it also gives us a nice glimpse into how macdennis + pain is reciprocal because (and i haven’t even gotten to do a whole thesis on this but i could) mac struggles with wanting to feel needed, wanted, of value, etc and as much as he can get bitchy and mean, overall dennis makes mac feel all of those things. especially in peak macdennis years (3/4-9). but i’m digressing again—just pointing out how and why this works so well for mac too, because it’s more than just being stupid in love with dennis (it fulfills something personal in him too, it soothes a hurt in him too).

but for me, the apple seeds? another instance of dennis showing negative, painful emotion, and mac being the only one to respond in a way that matters to dennis. i mean yes a moment to thank glenn for his comedic genius in the sound of that fake retching, but also dennis was so distressed over the thought of potentially eating something bad. that was panic! that was repulsion! that was fear! food is just such a fundamental thing for dennis.

the rest of the gang kind of brush him off when he scurries over, totally distraught over these stupid apple seeds. charlie validates his alarm over the toxicity of the dumb seeds (<3), but no one has time for dennis and his hysteria. and it is hours after the whole ordeal has passed, and they are still kind of fighting, but the minute dennis sees him he tells this to mac because he knows mac will take him seriously and fix the hurt. he looks so relieved when mac doesn’t brush it off or question him or roll his eyes, he just takes it in stride and asks dennis if he tried x to solve the problem.

i know this kind of thing happens regularly and i know it rewires things in dennis’ brain! he must be so scared and yet so comforted! he must be so confused and in love and embarrassed and mac is mine and mac cares and oh god what if mac leaves who will give a shit if i cry over apple seeds then no one can know apple seeds scare me like this ahhh!!!

#answered #sunny is in my synapses turning them rotten #meta

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neptunes-cunt · 2 years

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i’m past the point of relief from knowing that i’m not useless or lazy, but have just struggled with a slew of disabilities and disorders my whole life, and moved on to the depression from knowing i’ll spend the rest of my life like this, trying to fight my own brain, trying to convince myself i won’t want to tap out of existence next week even though i swear i’ll feel like this forever. i’m tired of people telling me to stop ‘romanticizing’ my problems as if i enjoy any part of them; they’re interesting, they’re confusing, but most of all, they fucking blow and i’m deeply envious of anyone who doesn’t have a screaming match with their brain every day. who will i wake up to be tomorrow? and i don’t mean that in a ‘life is full of potential’ way, i mean when i wake up tomorrow, will i roll out of bed, or scroll on my phone for two hours until my brain is so stewed that i have no other choice; when i go into my kitchen, will i eat an actual meal or choke something down to raise my blood sugar and ignore my hunger until dinner; will i spend the day loving my friends and making my environment a place of comfort, or will i stare at a computer screen writing cover letters for jobs i don’t want and subsequently feel guilty for not wanting; will i get a good night’s rest, or will i fall asleep from the sheer exhaustion of being alive at 4am, only to wake up a few hours later and start it all over again, the wondering and waiting to see who i am today. it’s maniacally laughable to me that i’m lucky, too. i have good doctors who give me medication and therapy, i have parents who support me financially, i have friends who love me and care for my well-being—and yet, i still don’t flinch when i hear the numbers about how likely i am to end my life because of all the shit that’s wrong with me, and then some, because i never really saw another life for myself, and it’ll suck for people, maybe for a little while, but eventually, they’ll accept it, they’ll move on, they won’t feel my absence because i wasn’t really there in the first place, and i’ll get to be the last person i was before i left, forever, until they forget, too.

#mental illness #trauma dump #bipolar disorder #adhd #actually autistic #not a cry for help #just need to vent

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aphrodites-garden · 3 months

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I just want to clear something up because omg I’ve noticed the romanticizing again and it’s bothering me.

Hallucinations and delusions are not fun. You don’t just ‘see ghosts’ (and I’ve hallucinated a person once who I thought was a ghost). I don’t mean this in the fact that you can’t believe in ghosts or feel like hallucinations are ghosts, but I feel it needs to be pointed out that of course situations have nuance. I’ve just met a lot of people who thought that hallucinations were like ‘seeing ghosts for fun’.

In fact for me personally it’s very rare to hallucinate people (although I know this isn’t the case for a lot of people, but I find it’s just an assumption that all hallucinations involve seeing people and it’s really annoying).

It’s uncomfortable. The delusions consume your thoughts. You don’t know the boundaries between what things are real and what’s not. It changes your eating, sleeping, and virtually everything in your life. It distances you from everyone closest to you, makes them feel unreal or like they’re trying to harm you. I have very mild hallucinations, mainly due to sleep deprivation, and I genuinely don’t know how I would deal with it if it was worse.

I might not be the person to speak on this because my hallucinations are fairly mild (I have bpd not schizophrenia or any other related disorder), and the delusions are really what affects me the most but I’m just so tired of it. I’m tired of people constantly being surprised that I’m still functioning in the middle of an episode and showing up to school. I don’t just disappear for two weeks. Most of the time I can still function and that’s what I do, I don’t get how that’s surprising. But I can tell you it’s definitely not fun.

#bpd #actually bpd #actually mentally ill #trauma #mental illness #mental health

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daughterofanarcissistwoman · 3 years

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Trauma Bonding

(The writer here refers to an ex but this applies to familial relationships as well.)

You may feel pretty crazy over there in your trauma bonded trance for someone who mistreated you, but know there are people actually eating dirt out there and making more sense than some of the well-meaning advice I heard while I was getting over various forms of heartbreak.

We are told to stop fixating, face the fear of moving on, focus on yourself, and that time heals all wounds. When in fact, the symptoms of a traumatic reaction to a trauma bond make these very things feel nearly impossible.

What’s more, when taken in the context of trauma bonding, prolonged grief over the loss of a relationship is far from irrational, even when that relationship was a toxic one. If you feel more stunned and immobilized as time wears on, this is the reaction of your organism actually working to protect you from a perceived, ongoing threat.

You are not “crazy”.

Your body’s physiological state is just trying to communicate with you in a way that you may not quite understand yet.

There are people all over the world who experience cravings for dirt or clay. This is called geophagy and clearly sounds so insane that people feel ashamed to admit their cravings. Yet research has found that these cravings may indicate a lack in bodily mineral content or may function as the body’s protective response to pathogens in pregnant women or children. The content of dirt or clay may serve as a protective barrier in the stomach.

What may FEEL mentally and physiologically irrational, actually makes sense. This does not mean that anemic people should make themselves a nice dirt snack with their coffee this afternoon. It does mean that feeling estranged, ashamed, and ignoring the REALITY of the craving, without looking further into what it indicates, will never resolve their organism’s unmet need.

What is trauma bonding?

I only started to understand trauma bonding when I stopped feeling ashamed and started trusting my body’s own physiological messengers.

Breaking a trauma bond can feel agonizing. What’s the point of trying to accept the reality of a toxic relationship, go no contact, and try to move on with your life when you only feel worse as time wears on?

Breaking a trauma bond comes with intense withdrawal symptoms, flashbacks, cravings for the toxic person, compulsive thoughts about what happened, and an anxious state that may make you feel like you are going backward, without abate.

This is going to sound counterintuitive at first, but these very symptoms are confirmation that staying away from the toxic relationship is absolutely imperative to your health. This is because trauma resides as a physiological response to a perceived threat. Your organism knows and reacts, at the core, gut, and instinctual level, when a person or situation is harmful.

And while you may be fully consciously aware NOW that you are no longer in the relationship, your body is still registering an ongoing threat. This is manifesting in symptoms that certainly make you feel like you are going “crazy” — or maybe even make you feel as if you were never meant to stay away in the first place.

But all this DOES NOT mean that your body is trying to indicate to you that you are forever cosmically tied to that dirtbag who mistreated you, used you, and broke your heart. It means that the trauma that may have occurred before the relationship, during the relationship, and when the relationship ended, continues to live inside of you. It continues to live as a memory and echo that has no orientation to time and place.

You are feeling this way because, physiologically, you still don’t feel safe.

You will NOT be the person who longs for the person who mistreated you forever. But it’s going to be hard to get there if your strategy is to grit your teeth, brace yourself, and steel even more energy in trying to fight your body’s frantic physiological responses to the trauma in the trauma bond, through sheer will, when you are already frozen in emergency mode.

Stay with me. I’ll explain.

We look into trauma bonding as a way to explain, romanticize, and decode the characteristics of a relationship that feels or once felt so precious.

Here’s the gut-punch that usually gets lost —when you’re in a trauma bond, and the bond “breaks,” the trauma remains.

If you’re a cookie in an Oreo and the other cookie leaves, guess who is stuck with what seems like even more trauma filling than you started with?

This “trauma filling” can help to explain why your mind, body, and soul are registering a frenetic, obsessive, red level, emergency breaker craving for a toxic ex, toxic relationship, or situation.

The Trauma Bond

The reason for this hyper-aroused-anxiety-trance lies in some part to the nature of trauma bonding itself. Trauma bonds are formed when your organism registers that you are in danger.

According to “The Betrayal Bond,” a book written by Patrick Carnes, who developed this concept, “trauma bonds are the dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. Trauma bonds occur when we are bonding to the very person who is the source of danger, fear, and exploitation.” They involve seduction, betrayal, and high intensity.

They also involve a seemingly endless sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Carnes wrote, “This type of bonding does not facilitate recovery and resilience but rather undermines those very qualities within us.”

Throughout the relationship, your organism assessed the threat and continuously mobilized energy for you to fight or flee. Yet the trauma in trauma bonding creates a cyclical, repetitive cycle that contains your ability to protect yourself, trust yourself, feel your body’s physiological reactions or evolve out of your current state, even when your partner is gone.

Instead of fighting or fleeing, you remain frozen and clinging with an “insane level of loyalty, to an impossible, unresolvable, toxic, overwhelming, or cosmically doomed bond.” A person chained to this type of bond “disbelieves the obvious and accepts the impossible.”

The following are some signs of trauma bonding, which I’ve adapted from Carnes:

• When you continue to be fixated on people who hurt you and who are no longer in your life.

• When you crave contact with someone who has hurt you and who you know will cause you more pain.

• When you continue to revolve around people who you know are taking advantage of you or exploiting you.

• When you are committed to remaining loyal to someone who has betrayed you, even though their actions indicate few signs of change.

• When you are desperate to be understood, validated, or needed by those who have indicated they do not care about you.

• When you go to great lengths to continue to help, caretake, or consider people who have been destructive to you.

These types of relationships capitalize on old wounds and previous traumas.

As a bigger and separate topic, there are a lot of reasons for why we may be vulnerable to trauma bonding, to begin with, including a deep desire to heal a prior hurt. We do this by subconsciously recreating the prior situation, down to the very exploitative, dangerous, or shameful elements that existed in the prior trauma. Down to the type of toxic, emotionally unavailable, or developmentally stunted person in the prior situation.

The reasons why we get into these types of bonds, the reasons we stay, and the reasons why we can’t let them go are interrelated, and at least one thing remains the same: our body stores these memories physiologically, without a time or date stamp. The memories can make us feel like we are in an endless cycle of trauma and pain, with or without the relationship.

The Trauma

Trauma is a big concept, that lives on much developing academic ground. I’m no expert, and what I’m saying is informed by the work of trauma researchers Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, and Patrick Carnes, but this is simply my interpretation.

Viewing your seemingly irrational reactions to heartbreak through a trauma-informed lens will reduce some part of the shame that comes with continuing to live in a body that is suspended in a hyper-aroused and frenetic state long after we are told that we should be over a relationship or situation.

There are different kinds of trauma. Some are the types of trauma we are typically aware of —responses to natural disasters, war, abuse, genocide, and other atrocities. We associate those traumas with the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which has helped to explain how victims survive in dire circumstances, including why the victims end up turning against themselves and becoming loyal to the abuser, as in the case of Stockholm Syndrome.

Understanding trauma begins when you remove judgment from the equation about the degree of atrocity that must exist in order to define trauma as trauma. There are other aspects of trauma, such as those that involve the body’s response to betrayal, childhood experiences, and interpersonal relationship trauma. A traumatic reaction is a completely subjective thing. There are more possible situations/origins of trauma than there are people.

Trauma lives inside the body as a physiological state. It will be easier to become aware of the manifestation of this state and to give it credibility if you realize that trauma can occur in the absence of abusers, victimizers, and overtly dire situations. You can have a traumatic reaction to anything or anyone that your body perceives as a threat, including a break in attachment with even the most well-meaning, non-intentionally insidious, but emotionally empty people.

Peter Levine has defined trauma as “Any experience which stuns us like a bolt out of the blue; it overwhelms us, leaving us altered and disconnected from our bodies.” It is difficult to access coping mechanisms while in this overwhelmed state. This reaction can become more intense when the relational trauma occurs for long periods of time, with intermittent reinforcement, and when it is layered on top of relational trauma that occurred in childhood.

The stunned shock of anything that your body perceives as a threat, including a betrayal or a breakup, can live inside of us as a physiological state, even when we are not in present danger — when we are out of the breakup, moved out, and presumably moved on. Our bodies are engaged in a survival response even when out of the danger — which manifests itself as a freeze state that makes all the negative emotions you felt while in the relationship freeze within you as well.

What is this? Why does this happen?

The Freeze State.

It happens as a result of a completely natural human reaction to a potentially threatening situation. Peter Levine has explained how trauma develops in his book, “Waking the Tiger.” When faced with perceived danger or challenge, we become energetically aroused, mobilized, and poised to pounce, respond, and defend. This is the reason why weaklings are able to lift cars in order to rescue children. Our bodies were built to generate tremendous energy and appropriately constrict it so that it can be released. So we can fight or flee from threats for our very survival. When the energy is released, there is a tremendous sense of relief and somatic calm. There is no trauma. The situation makes sense to us because we witnessed our bodies working with us to resolve a threat.

So what happens to this tremendous, do-or-die energy isn’t released? When we feel we cannot fight or flee, as in the case of a trauma bond, there isn’t a discharge of this energy.

Instead, we hard stop freeze. Unlike other animals, our more highly evolved neocortex prevents an instinctual response of releasing this energy anyway, when the freeze state ends. Without the release, our body constricts this incredible bundle of energy and contains it in our nervous system. We are suspended in a highly mobilized emergency alert state, hypervigilant, and brimming with energy that our body now has to shift around, negotiate, and safety-valve slowly expel through adaptations that make us feel like we are experiencing an anxiety reaction. This too, is our body working for us, to prevent a nervous system meltdown.

This is trauma.

An example of this is when you brace yourself during the impact of a car accident and later find yourself completely motionless, your knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel, adrenaline coursing through you, heart rate is racing, breathing heavily, with almost no memory of the event.

Why won’t our “smarter” brain allow us to discharge this energy during the freeze state? Again, your body is trying its best to protect you. When that tremendous force of arousal energy is first triggered, it makes us feel up to the task, positive, and intensely alive. When the release is thwarted and is instead subsumed inwardly, we associate the energy with intensely negative emotions.

All those feelings and all the energy that you might have expelled during the relationship in a fight or flight response — all the anger, the shame, and the fear — now reside within you and may feel like are directed TOWARD you.

Our “smarter” brain attempts to protect us by negotiating these emotions within our circuitry because it believes that this work will protect us from experience sheer terror of the release. We fear releasing them because the energy itself is so strongly associated with danger, betrayal, and fear. You are now the home of negative energy that was never meant to be yours.

What does this have to do with your inability to let go of a toxic relationship?

Why does all of this slow you down when it comes to commonplace advice like “stop fixating, face the fear of moving on, and focus on yourself?”

Breaking trauma bonds.

The reason it feels like you can’t “break” a traumatic bond is because you are still suffering from your body’s adaptations to all of this chaotic, negative energy that is now stored inside. These very adaptations cause you to constantly review what happened, to fixate, to refrain from feeling fear and grief, and to obsess about the relationship.

• Anxiety.

The nervous system experiences trauma as a body feeling. In other words, your hyper-alert state lives on as symptoms that can be perceived as anxiety: increased heart rate, tension, agitation, flashbacks, shudders, muscle soreness, and racing thoughts.

All of this anxiety can feel unfair. We know it’s normal to feel grief over the loss of a relationship, but the hope is that we will feel some sense of relief once we get the courage to let go of someone we loved, but who we know is toxic, narcissistic, or emotionally unavailable. Hang on. Your body is communicating to you that internally, you still feel as if you are in danger. Because this anxiety state is so closely associated with the trauma bond, this may feel like a craving for your ex and the trauma bond, when it is in fact, a frantic message to stay away.

• Helplessness.

When exposed to personal trauma, the part of the brain that processes information, puts things into context, and communicates to you in narrative form shuts down. You are suspended in emergency activation mode, but without an ability to cope with the stress.

This is why no contact is so important. When exposed to anything that reminds you of your former partner, your nervous system triggers energy to communicate the presence of a threat but prevents you from consciously putting that threat into the context of what is occurring here and now.

In this state, it can feel hard to learn new things or assimilate information.

This is why it can feel like such a gut punch to see your ex or hear about his or her life, even after time has passed and you are sure “you got this.” It can leave you feeling helpless and hopeless.

Trauma bonds don’t “heal with time” because trauma doesn’t have a sense of time. Don’t expect to never feel triggered. Feeling triggered does not mean that you are “back to square one” when it comes to processing. It means that you are experiencing traumatic anxiety, which once again makes you feel like you are frozen and immobilized. This can lead you to feel depressed even though the current stressor is no longer around. Don’t lose hope. Even the smallest bit of awareness of what is actually occurring will help you to unfreeze out of this state, and this will get more automatic and manageable the more you increase this awareness.

• Flashbacks.

Because you are not able to put your physiological distress into a time and place context, you are not able to consciously recognize that the traumatic event happened in the past. This causes confusion between past trauma and current stressors. Your body, behind the scenes, may be experiencing today’s stressful day as a flashback to the past, as if the trauma has returned.

Life goes on after a trauma bond. Other people and situations will stress you out and trigger anxious feelings that you will subconsciously associate with the trauma bond. This is why stressful days and subsequent disappointments make you feel like you are missing the trauma bond more intensely.

Trauma is like a trance. It makes you less aware of your current state, your bodily sensations, and your feelings. When you start to feel more safe, grounded, and present, you will slowly become more aware of when these flashbacks occur. You will feel less entranced and more able to untangle your prior distress from what is currently happening in your life.

• Trauma repetition review.

After an animal goes into fight, flight, or freeze and releases all the energy its nervous system conjured to get out of a dangerous situation, the animal goes into a review state. The point of this is to figure out what happened and to learn from the experience. Trauma bonded humans also go into this state, except the review occurs in a highly aroused and anxious state, because the energy from the experience has not been released.

This is why it is so difficult to stop fixating on what occurred, why you are experiencing obsessive thoughts, replaying old scripts, and why you feel abandoned and rejected long after a traumatic break has occurred. You are processing the trauma bond while you are still in a stressed and hyperaroused state.

This is why talking about trauma, rehashing the situation with your friends, and recycling anger doesn’t make you feel better and only further retraumatizes you. It may feel like you lost something important because you can’t let go of compulsively thinking about the trauma bond. This repetitive rehashing is healthy and normal, but only when conducted when you are out of an anxiety state and feeling grounded, safe, and present.

The antidote to compulsive rehashing is to remember that trauma lives inside the body, as a physiological state. Once activated, it shuts down your ability to process information. There’s nothing wrong with trying to figure out what happened, but know that doing so in this triggered state may make you feel like you need to return to the trauma bond.

• Hypervigilance.

Hypervigilance is the inevitable result of all of this hyperarousal. In trying to make sense of how you are feeling, your body actively searches for the source of the threat, even when one cannot be found. This drive can feel like a fixation to scan for the source, even though what you may just be reacting to is your own internal arousal. This gets repetitive and compulsive.

Your body remembers the trauma bond. It remembers how it felt and who was around. Even out of the relationship, a trauma bonded person may still feel threatened by a memory of the past when dealing with a current stressor. Your brain scans for a source of the threat. Your brain lands on the emotionally charged memory and image of someone associated with the trauma bond. You may feel plagued by images of your ex-partner, but this is only because your body remembers this person as a source of threat, not because you need to run back to this person.

All of these symptoms occur because your nervous system is suspended in a hyper-aroused state, searching for new danger, and attempting to protect you.

The key to releasing the trauma bond is to remind yourself, carefully, with compassion, and with consistency that you are no longer in danger and that you are now safe.

– This, first and foremost, has to be true. If you are still in any way involved in a trauma bond, then you are not safe. It may feel like you’ve hacked it and you are over it and you are ready for contact or another round, but your physiological systems will likely tell you otherwise.

– When you start to feel triggered, remind yourself of where you are in time and space. You may be experiencing a physiological memory of the past that makes you feel as if you are re-experiencing the trauma. Trauma robs you of your ability to stay in the present. It drops you in a trance and prevents you from recognizing what you are feeling — both emotionally and physiologically. There are many ways of grounding, including yoga, breath work, meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, among so many others. Once you get committed to healing, you will seek and find endless sources of information and relief in these. The key is to begin. Yoga will not release your trauma bond. Going for a hike will not make flashbacks and obsessive thoughts go away. These things may, however, bring you more awareness to your sensations and feelings, which will help you stay in the present when you feel yourself becoming taken over in a trauma bonded trance.

– Become emotionally available to yourself. The way to release a trauma bond is to very slowly and compassionately separate the amount of fear, that you may not even know you feel, about your negative emotions from the negative emotions themselves. These negative emotions are stored inside of you because your body internalized them, instead of using the energy of these emotions to flee or fight. They are not yours. These emotions are not your anger or your shame. You are safe now. You no longer need them. But you need a really safe base in yourself, your enviornment, and others in order to slowly release these. Be kind to yourself. It’s not easy to let go.

– A symptom of being trauma bonded is an intense desire to inform the person who hurt you about your healing. Don’t do that. It will only entrench you further. Your stored negative energy is not your own, but it’s not your ex’s either. It may feel like you have to “place” it somewhere, but this will not get rid of it, and you will only re-traumatize yourself. You can’t put it somewhere else. You can replace it with the knowledge this energy is no longer necessary to protect you, because you are safe now.

Trauma-bonded people are usually the foremost experts on their exes. In order to survive, they can discern mood changes from small facial movements, sideways grunts, or the way a person is standing. Start becoming this aware of yourself.

Start noticing what triggers you, when you are feeling hyper-vigilant, when you are reviewing or processing the relationship in a stressed out state. Start noticing when your flashbacks occur. You may find that they are actually occurring in response to current life stressors.

In becoming aware of this, you may find that there are other toxic people and situations in your current life that you can let go of in order to feel more safe. When other toxic bonds fall away, you may feel more ready to be yourself. When you feel more ready to be yourself, you may become even less ashamed and more emotionally aware. You can start to recognize which thoughts and emotions aren’t yours.

When you separate these, you will feel even more safe. Becoming more self-aware is work with a huge payoff, and you’re already so good doing it with everyone but yourself.

When you separate the past from the present, you will start to have more fun in the present. You will solve the present problems better. You will start to feel more like yourself again. You are safe now, and soon…

You will be free.

This post was written by Natasha Adamo team member, Irena.

https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/

#trauma bond #stockholm syndrome #cptsd #childhood trauma #developmental trauma #inner child healing #reparenting #attachment trauma #self care #mental health #emotional health #abuse #narcissistic abuse #toxic people #dysfunctional family #shame programming #self compassion

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tobeornottotc · 3 years

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The Problems with HIStory4; Close To You Ep 1-4 (Observation and Comments)

The verdict is out! I actually enjoy History4, as much as there's problematic elements to it, and it does feel a bit like a regression; the acting is great, the chemistry is perfect, and it's not as bad as the trailer made it seem. Like yes, we have a very invasive annoying fujoshi trope, but the characters are written in a way that it makes sense that they fall into this.

The Fujoshi Harassing Invasive Fake Dating Trope:

Cheng is so childish and so up in the clouds, and from a typical sexist, ignorant flawed man perspective, it's like he's always never taken anything seriously because he doesn't see any need to. Also, because he doesn't take anything seriously, he's ignorant and very self-focused and takes things too far; it's his character flaw. The only person who keeps in line is Moren. Who is someone who takes a lot of things seriously but also kind of ignores or avoids feelings and what that entails.

Moren is very gentle and sweet with his friends whilst on the surface, he seems cold and distant, but he tends to be very comfortable and have fun, like the childish part of him is brought out by Cheng. They compliment each other so well. There's something about the way they like each other so unconditionally despite being so opposite to each other, they do care a lot, and they have a very ignorant homophobic mindset because of how they've been raised in society, so they don't know a lot about queerness and what it means, so that's interesting to see them learn their feelings and grow from that.

I like their domestic vibes and how they are when they're just together alone; it's not entirely romantic or in your face that there are feelings; it's very soft, and very based and focused on the depth of friendship that they've developed, and I think that's so cute and adorable to see. The only thing I don't like about their storyline is the fujoshi trope; she's not always there; she's hidden but her presence always reminds me of why this trope is so problematic because she should be called out for her invasiveness. She should be taught about why what she's doing is not okay; maybe she does, later on, do so but I can't tell how serious this writer wants to be with this show. She may have genuinely just wanted a typical old BL style novel like show in the past that we used to read that doesn't address problematic stuff.

The show is very light and funny with these twos story so she may not want it to be so serious, which is why I'm trying to be careful when analysing the show. My thing is the fujoshi thing needs to be addressed because her actions aren't okay more than Cheng and Moren. The trailer for the show is wildly exaggerated and made me dread watching the show. Still, although Cheng is sometimes quite touchy and can fall into that line of harassment, it's been called out by Moren in episode 1, and everything in the trailer that seemed problematic with harassment for them isn't like it is. It's just them joking around and being Moren and Cheng. Moren may feel weirded out by some situations, but it's not against his consent, is what I'm trying to say. Cheng is not meant to be a perfect character; his flaw is his childishness, and how he doesn't take things seriously, so he comes across as rude, invasive, loud etc. But for them, there's nothing so far that is as bad as what the trailer suggested it would be. Maybe, later on, I'd change my mind.

The Stalker Obsessesive Step Brother Trope:

For Jie and Xingsi. It's different. It's the same issues with stories about obsession, possession and trauma tropes. People will not like Jie because the reason why he does what he does, is because his character outline is based on a mental disorder (that isn't even diagnosed, but it's clear he's on a sociopathic spectrum), he's emotionally shut off, so he doesn't have any feelings, doesn't know when he's gone too far or when he is doing something to others that are seen as problematic. All he focuses on is his feelings for XingSi because he's the only person who makes him care.

Not goanna lie, their storyline has toxic elements, and it is weird that the show wants to humanise his actions and make him seem pitiful. For me, he is pitiful, and I do understand why he acts the way he does, but I think others would have an issue with him. I think it's hard to accept the storyline because it is romanticising toxicity and dependency, but I kinda after being freaked out by him; I've come to kind of understand why they write his character the way they did for him and Xingsi. The theme of these two's story is conforming to societal pressures vs being free and accepting your self. So they kind of help each other with the other's problem/issue.

You can decide if you want to see that as romantic or if you are so turned off by Jie's insensitive actions. For me, this is a typical toxic storyline that makes sense to me why they'll be together. For example, when looking at Jie; Obviously, he's been nurtured into developing parts of being sociopathic to deal with the pain of his childhood. It's not an excuse to let him get away with his actions; I'm just saying I understand his character outline. He doesn't trust people; he doesn't let anyone in. So he's automatically someone with sociopathic tendencies, very possessive, can be aggressive if he isn't sure he trusts what's happening, alienates himself and doesn't care for how others view him. But he's someone who kind of helps Xingsi deal with his own secrets; Xingsi is someone determined to be responsible/right in society; hence he hides himself and his actual wants and needs to please people.

So Jie, with his own twisted ways, is always a catalyst to helping Xingsi find out what he wants and for Xingsi to come to terms with being brave and showing who he really is to people. In a way, Jie, because he's so emotionally uncaring about what others think of him, is the antithesis to Xingsi; he is freer because he's not hiding who he is or conforming to what others think is right/wrong he only cares about his own freedom/happiness. So he provides that way and escape for Xingsi to be himself and stop pretending or acting to please people and society. That's what the writers are trying to achieve with them. Jie is then also taught about feelings and emotions because of having Si as someone he does care for automatically and does want to change for and be gentle to whilst Si learns to accept himself /stop conforming to societal pressures.

They follow typical old BL novels in the past; they have problematic issues and toxic stuff around them to discuss, and they're very flawed; they are written to help each other deal with their flaws/issue by falling for each other. Is it right to romanticize that storyline? Maybe or maybe not, we need to do better stories for BL; that's something we know, it's not okay to always have toxic or problematic storylines, but if you know me, I also enjoy the past BL tropes as well. I like toxic storylines because they have so much interesting character dynamics that are wild to explore and analyse. They usually are very angsty and dramatic, and they have a good plot. That's something I never try to hide away from, I don't agree with when people say you shouldn't write toxic storylines or add problematic characters, but that's an argument for another day etc., I just want it to be called out when its a toxic thing/problematic trope like give consequences and show them learning why its wrong, or have them go through a character development.

It's not going to make me judge the show so badly or stop watching it when I actually enjoy the friendship, characters and lighthearted, funny vibes the show brings every Sunday. Like it makes me smile and laugh when I'm watching Cheng and Moren, and it makes me think when I watch Xingsi and Jie. So yeh I enjoy the show and I'm not ashamed to say it.

#history4 #history 4 #history 4 close to you #history 4: close to you #taiwan bl #bl series #bl drama #reviews #analysis

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peaxhcringe · 3 years

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S/O who has really bad aniexty

At first I was debating on doing this idea as I didn’t want to look like I was glorifying or romanticizing a disorder. I went through with this idea because as someone who has severe aniexty and suffers with the things mentioned in this hc , I wanted to use this to bring more awareness to this disorder. I really am sorry if it comes off that I’m romanticizing this, because I really am trying not to. I hope you enjoy!

⚠️Warnings: mentions of aniexty, scratching, anxiety attacks, slight blood, crying, self induced vomiting.

Genre: fluff, comfort

Characters: Bakugou, Kirishima, and Todoroki

Request: Open

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Bakugou

Even before you two got together Bakugou never really payed any attention

It wasn’t that he didn’t care he just wasn’t super observant

Everyone in the class knows about your anxiety, but not the true level it is

The students always try to help you if you feel as if you’re about to have an attack or even if you just don’t feel well that particular day

One day you aniexty had been particularly bad

You were scratching your arms and neck a lot more than is usual

Almost every 2 mintues you were scratching at your arm or lifting your hand up and scratching your neck

A few students in the class noticed, but before they had time to confront you about it it was time to practice

As Aizawl split everyone up into groups of 2, Bakugou had came over to you, his eyes glancing down to your neck and noticing just a bit of blood

He can be observant when he wants to be

When he asked about it you proceeded to tell him about your aniexty and explained your persistent scratching

Afterwards he took you to recovery girl and had her heal up your skin that had turned raw

Ever since then Bakugou watches you like a hawk

If you move to start scratching yourself his hand is instantly in yours to stop you

It took him a bit to get the confidence to do that in public as Kiri or Denki usually commented about him “being soft” or “whipped” for you

If you take medication to keep it under control then he’d always have some of your medicine in his room or even on him at all times

If you don’t, then he’ll look up ways to help you

He didn’t want to admit it, but he hated seeing you come to class with a bandage on your neck from scratching it raw the day before

He tries his best to distract if you have an itching episode and if it fails he just holds your hands in his until it’s over

Kirishima

Kiri knew from when he first met you you had aniexty

Before you two had begun dating he’d help you calm down when you had attacks and was alway there

The only thing he didn’t know about it was how it affected you and taking any type of medication

One night, you both are in your room doing homework and studying for an upcoming test

About 30 mintues prior you had taken a headache pill to help with a migraine you had

As you sat next to Kiri, watching as he wrote down an equation you didn’t really understand, you felt your heart beat pick up

You could suddenly feel your heart beating in you head, your breathing became slower, and you felt like you are going to faint

Instantly you got up an rushed to the bathroom, leaving the door wide open and leaving a confused/worried Kirishima behind

You flicked on the light and quickly placed yourself in front of the toilet

Reaching your middle and ring finger into your mouth you made yourself vomit

Not even a mintue after you entered the bathroom Kirishima came in, worry lacing his expression as he watched you

He called your name before coming over to you, and placing a hand on you shoudler

Once you removed your fingers from you mouth you looked at him, tears streaming down your face as you were shaking

Kirishima grabbed you a cold wet towel before helping you stand up

When you return to your room, you hid in his arms until you eventually stopped feeling faint

Later when you explained to him your aniexty with medication and how vomiting helps he quickly understood

Kirishima ended up looking for way to help you aniexty

Which led to you and him going to recovery girl when you needed to take medicine to calm your aniexty down

If your aniexty ended up getting bad again Kiri would hold you in his arms tightly, and would whisper sweet things into your ear until you calmed down

Todoroki

This is another boy who is rather clueless

He doesn’t mean to be, he just really isn’t observant

He’s either clueless or too blunt about something

When you had mentioned to him you had aniexty he just looked at you, a little shocked as you didn’t look like the type of person to have it

You then had to explain to him aniexty and that it’s a common thing most people have

The first time he ever saw your aniexty hit its peak was when you both were having your weekly movie night

Everything was fine, you both just laying next to eachother and enjoying each others company

At least until your brain randomly decided to bring up the upcoming provisional exams

Unaware you to a small rash had begun to grow across your arms, blooming up from your elbow and up to your shoudler

It wasn’t until you felt a burnning then a serve need to itch your arm when you noticed it

Typically when you get a rash like this you have a cold compress that helped it fade within 30 minutes

You looked over at Todoroki, a bit embarrassed to ask for you could his right hand

Taking in a deep breath you tapped his shoudler then quickly asked him to borrow his hand

He looked at you confuse until you very quickly explained what was happening

With a hint of uncertainty he moved his right hand over to your arm, before applying a soft amount of pressure and cooling down his hand

Ever since then if he noticed a small red patch growing on your arms, legs, and even your neck he’d quickly pull you aside and help you

If he couldn’t do if though, he’d hold your hands to stop you from itching it

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kittyreading · 3 years

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Manga Master List: Recommendations and My Personal Wish List

!!//PLEASE READ//!!

Below is every manga from my amazon wishlist I would recommend(as of February 11 2021) with a picture and a 3-5 sentence explanation of what the manga is about. Underneath will also be the number of volumes I have read, the number I own, and it’s status of ongoing or complete and how many volumes it has. This way you can decide for yourself if you think I have read enough of it to give an accurate recommendation.

This list only includes manga you can purchase (including digital purchases) from the wishlist. I decided that I would in fact include my personal amazon manga wishlist here and at the bottom for people to buy THEMSELVES a copy of any of these manga they would like. Keep in mind many of these won’t have volume 1 in the list but you should be able to get to the series page from the list. If a manga shows up on the amazon list that I did not include in this one that is because I have not read enough of them(or any of them) to recommend. Ok? Cool, enjoy the list!!

1. The Girl from the Other side is about a little girl living with a gentleman monster. It is a supernatural mystery with beautiful art.

Own: 0

Series: Ongoing at 9 volumes

2. Pumpkin Scissors is a military fantasy about a War Veteran named Randal Oland who joins the pumpkin scissors core to help with war relief and uncover the deep corruption of the government. It is similar in themes to FMA in the sense it appears to be based on a World War, and corruption of government but it more focused on the power of the noble houses in government. There is also a fun science element but it is not as in focus as in FMA. The two but are very very different overall tho. Only 5 volumes were distributed in physical English copies as the publishing company went bankrupt, all others are only available digitally. (I couldn’t get the manga vol. 1 cover to work so the picture above is a poster for the anime)

Own: 0

Read: around 10

Series: Ongoing at 23 volumes

3. Monthly Girls Nozaki-kun is a slice of life about a bunch of highschoolers. Nozaki is the mangaka of a popular Shoujo manga who uses his personal experiences with friends to create his monthly comic series. It is a fun gender stereotype reversal manga with a large cast of both male and female characters (one could be HC as genderfluid but she’s still canonically female at this time) The manga is one of the easiest to read as the panels are mostly in straight down rectangles so the pages are extremely easy to follow and is very funny.

Own: 1

Status: Ongoing at 12 volumes

4. Yu-Gi-Oh! is well known to be about the card game yu-gi-oh, using magic and myths to further the story, HOWEVER, Yu-gi-oh! is the “Season 0″ of the series it is much darker than to be expected and there is no card game. The Yu-gi-oh most are familiar with is Yu-gi-oh Duelist (just found this out myself) and is the Yu-gi-oh you probably already know. There is no overarching plot to this mini series it is just Yugi fucking shit up playing games and destroying some bullies. I have yet to read any of Duelist as of the creation of this post therefore I cannot recommend it :/

Own: 5 (1-3 & 6-7)

Status: Completed at 7 volumes

5. The Way of the House Husband is about a former yakuza who gets married and flips his script. He becomes a house husband for his working wife and carries on doing chores and errands while still looking and acting scary unintentionally and getting himself in trouble. It is a slice of life comedy with some adult jokes but is over all extremely funny and pleasant to read.

Own: 0

Status: Ongoing at 7 volumes

6. Hikaru no Go is about a highschool boy who finds a haunted Go board. He meets the ghost who once was a prolific Go player. Together they work to become a world class Go champion meeting new people along the way. This series was cut short due to legal issues with a real Go player and therefore will remain unfinished but the story that is there is golden. It is still one of the most popular manga in Japan.

Own: 0

Status: Complete at 23 Volumes

7. Zatch Bell! This manga is about a teenager named Kiyo who gets sent a young boy with amnesia named Zatch Bell who turns out to be an alien called a momodo. Now the two must battle other momodo in order to understand what happened to Zatch and to make Zatch the new king. Along the way they make many friends and save both the momodo and human worlds. This one is difficult because it is a classic that did not do well in America so the volumes are expensive and the series is unfinished in English. You can only buy 27 of the volumes in English and a few of them are almost impossible to find, however it is well worth the money if you can afford it and it is available online.

Own: 6 (1-5 & 13)

Status: Complete at 33 Volumes only 27 printed in English (you can finish series online)

8. Fullmetal Alchemist is a cult classic most have read it, watched the series, or heard of it at the very least. This is one of the most popular Manga of all time and for good reason. The manga is about 2 brothers Alphonse and Edward on a journey to return their bodies to normal after committing the taboo of human transmutation. The manga has themes of racism, government corruption and manipulation of the military. The versions on my wishlist are the special Fullmetal Editions so they will have a different price point and volume number than the regular volumes or the omnibuses’

Own: 12

Status: Complete at 27 Volumes

9. Princess Jellyfish is about a young woman who is sort of an outcast otaku living with 5 other otaku women. She has a deep love for jellyfish as they remind her of her late mother. She meets a beautiful woman who turns out to be a male college student and slowly comes out of her shell making new friends and growing with old ones as well. This manga is very sweet and I really don’t know what else to say haha.

Own: 0

Status: Complete at 17 volumes

10. !!!HUGE TW FOR EATING DISORDERS!!! In Clothes Called Fat is a, oneshot, non romanticizing story of an office woman trying to lose weight and developing several eating disorders in the process. She goes through hardships in relationships and bullying as well. It has a bittersweet ending and should be read with caution but it is beautifully done. Please do not read this if you are under the age 16 at the very youngest there are NSFW moments as well as just generally not being a topic for younger audiences.

Own: No

Read: Yes

Status: Completed one shot

11. My LOVE Story!! Is an adorable Slice of Life shojo about a highschooler named Takeo Gouda, his girlfriend Yamato, and his best friend and hear throb Suna. This series is rather refreshing as the relationship starts pretty much immediately, the best friend is very supportive, and it is focused on Takeo’s personality over looks as he is often compared in manga to a gorilla or bear. It is a generally heart warming story with some emotional side plots. The ending is sort of sudden but it’s really enjoyable.

Own: 6 (1-3,8,10-12)

Status: Completed at 13 Volumes

12. Soul Eater is pretty popular but if you don’t know what it is about it is about a Weapon named Soul and his Meister Maka. They attend a school that teaches them how to defeat people before they turn into Demons, saving the world in the process. Once a weapon eats 100 evil souls and a witches soul they can become the new death Scythe! That is the plot presented, and it of course goes off into a much more complicated storyline. It is super fun and engaging with a fascinating plot near the end.

Own: 5

Status: Completed at 25 Volumes

13. D. Gray-Man is a little complicated. Similarly to Soul Eater D. Gray-Man is a story based around defeating people turned demon and the saving of the world through an organization, however the plot gets very complicated very quickly. The art is some of the most interesting and beautifully fun art I’ve come across and the characters are (so far as I’ve read) all amazing. The story has a lot of christian influence and is one you have to really keep up with to understand but I recommend it regardless!

Own: 10

Status: Ongoing at 27 Volumes

14. One-Punch Man is also very popular and is about a man who becomes so strong he only needs to punch you once to completely annihilate you, and it greatly annoys him. This manga greatly touches on the themes of self worth as Saitama becomes a hero that no one seems to want. The fights are fun and engaging, tho at times can be difficult to read. The art is gorgeous, with some of the most heavily detailed work I have ever seen.

Own: 3

Status: Ongoing at 21 Volumes

15. The Boy and The Beast is the manga adaptation of the movie by the same name. This is a bittersweet story about a boy who finds a family in the land of the beasts and the repercussions of this intermixing. It is sweet and sad and there’s not much else to say, but that it is a beautifully crafted story.

Own: 1

Read: 1 (but I’ve seen the movie and read the light novel)

Status: Complete at 4 Volumes

16. MAR is not a manga I should be recommending as I genuinely don’t think I have read enough of the story to do so but I love it so much I’m going to anyway. MAR is a classic Isekai Shonen, a kid goes through a door into another world and has to fight a war to save it, there is a super fun magic system and some wonderful story building with genuinely enjoyable characters and battles. I am recommending this more based off the anime than the manga itself because it was one of my absolute favorites when I was younger, so take from that what you will! This manga has the same issue Zatch Bell does however, the series did not do amazingly so the volumes can be expensive!

Own: 3

Status: Complete at 15 Volumes

Thank you for your time haha! I hope you liked the list, here is my wishlist again and if you have any questions please let me know!! I will try to keep this master list updated as it and the wishlist will only continue to grow, but I make no promises for doing it often. Making this took me a very long time so I hope you like it!

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ghost-is-pan · 2 years

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I sometimes blank on memories I know I have, but my brain just won’t let me think about the memories I want to talk about.

Grandma related ones mainly. Because I didn’t have the one everyone else dose. The good ones. Everyone also has a bad grandma in a since too- but I had to live with that type of person since I could walk till I was around 12…

I wanna live in Houston again…literally can’t wait for Christmas break… not romanticizing a disorder(?) but I just wanna dissociate till the “big tests” come up. Then go on my long ass break..

The only interesting thing about me I guess is how batshit(in a good way I hope?) I am sometimes. I don’t really think I’m original about my jokes… most of the jokes I try to make are bad… which is why I re-word professional comedians for them… because if I’m going to be shitty to be by myself by.

I’m going to be funny damnit.

I ain’t gunna have undiagnosed mental disorders & not be funny.

Whatever made me said pick a struggle & I chose mental baggage… and humor is the way I cope too..

I’m always tired. I can never, Nor have I ever been able to, or have ever. Been able to sleep properly…

My Grandma’s house.. the other houses I’ve lived at… my current home.. specific people close to me who aren’t who they used to be anymore-(family mainly)

I’ve fantasized about so many small things in such detail- like how my dad was, who certain family members where like that I’ve never met.. friends..

I always fantasized about a significant person who would just be the best match for me.. no matter what. Kinda like the “perfect” person.. a “perfect” someone to compliment me as a person…

A person like that can never exist though… a “PERFECT” person can never exist technically. And that’s where I messed up. Everyone has something wrong with them. Small or not. Everyone has a problem.

But I’ve found a real person who loves me. Even when I annoy them without meaning to, think I’ve done something wrong, make the wrong joke, or confuse them in any shape or form… they stay.. are always genuinely interested in ME…. And they interest me back… I love them… they’re the only person I tell EVERYTHING too… and I mean everything…

They’re the only fantasy I’m glad didn’t come true. Because he’s ‘perfect’ to me & that’s all I need..

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fizzymurmer · 3 years

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Introduction/ Rules/ Boundaries

Hello! I’m Fizzy! But you can just call me Fizz! I recently got confident enough in my writing to actually start a blog! My pronouns are She/they and this is a STRICTLY SFW blog as I don’t feel comfortable writing NSFW as I am currently underage. I will mainly write from a female readers perspective because that’s what I’m used to and I don’t want to offend anyone by getting things wrong, but I will try my best to write a GN or male reader if its requested!

~WHO I’LL WRITE FOR~

-MCYT (CC! And C!)

- Dream (Romantic and Platonic)

Georgenotfound (Romantic and Platonic)

Sapnap (Romantic and Platonic)

Punz (Romantic and Platonic)

Quackity (Romantic and Platonic)

Karl Jacobs (Romantic and Platonic)

Wilbur Soot (Romantic and Platonic)

TommyInnit (Strictly Platonic)

Tubbo (Strictly Platonic)

Ranboo (Strictly platonic)

Philza (Strictly platonic)

Nihachu (Romantic and Platonic)

JustaMinx (Romantic and Platonic)

Ghostbur (Romantic and Platonic)

Really anyone! Just ask and you shall receive!

RULES FOR REQUESTING

NO NSFW

No minor x adult

No romantic requests for any of the minors or anyone stated to be platonic

No requesting triggering things without a proper trigger warning (I can write for heavy topics like Self Harm, Suicide, Eating Disorders but I will put proper trigger warnings. None of it will be romanticized as I myself have suffered all three and know how harmful romanticizing them can be)

No abuse, I can write about someone recovering from past abuse but I won’t write an current abusive relationship

All requests must have the character/s that you want and an idea of what you want to happen

MY BOUNDARIES

I don’t like it when people ask personal questions. I’ll tell you everything you need to know

Don’t harass me about not posting, I’m in high school and probably won’t have time to post until the weekend most of the time

As can be expected no sexualizing me/yourself/content creators/ etc in any way. You will be blocked

If I accidentally cross a CC boundaries please let me know! It is the absolute last thing I wish to do!

Just be kind to one another- this is a fanfic blog about Minecraft you tubers. Don’t take things too seriously!

And that should be it! I really hope you enjoy your time and I’m always open for constructive criticism and critiques! Thank you for taking your time out your day to read this! Remember to drink water and eat plenty of food! Goodbye you wonderful creatures!

#tommyinnit mcyt #mcyt x y/n #wilbur soot #dreamwastaken #georgenotfound #sapnap #wilbur soot x reader #dream x reader #georgenotfound x reader #sapnap x reader #cc: punz #mcyt x reader #sfw interaction only #dream smp #dreamsmp x reader #x reader

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elena-reina · 4 years

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Worth It - Draco Malfoy x Reader

Request: (1/3) heyyy, can you do an imagine that draco comforts you for having depression for whatever reason and one day he saw you standing on the roof of hog warts almost leaping off the balcony but he catches you in time (you can create the ending) thank u if you do!! :)) - Anon

(2/3) Can you do a one shot where Draco knows about the readers eating disorder and he helps her overcome it? I hope that makes sense, I love your stories so much, please don't stop writing! - Anon

(3/3) Yay, you’re back! I was wondering if you could do a Draco Malfoy x reader where he finds her self harming? I get it if you aren’t comfortable - Anon

Warnings: Very triggering- read with caution please, depression- suicide related, anorexia, self-harm

A/N: PLEASE READ! These three all fall under the same category for me, so I just combined them. I just want to make it clear that I am not, in any way, romanticizing or making it seem as though I am pro self-harm whatsoever; I purely write whatever requests come in. To those that do, I know you’ve got a lot going on and there is a lot of emotions, trauma, and hurt; believe me I know a lot about it. But it gets better, I promise you. It always gets better. Incase you all haven’t heard it, I love you, I care about you, and I know you’re strong enough to make it through anything. If anyone needs to talk, my messages are always open and again don’t ever think you’re not enough or worth it because you all are golden. You were put on this earth for a reason :)

Just another day on top of another.

Yawning, you lightly scratched your head and stood in front of your mirror in your dorm room; nothing covered you besides your undergarments. Looking up and down your body completely still, you wouldn’t be able to tell there was anything wrong. You lifted your arm and looked at your wrist leading down your forearm; the markings covered the insides of your arms and varied in color, shape, and size. Some of them were old, obvious by how they shined and caught light at just the right angle. Some were bright red and bold, there was no denying it. Most were about a month old, looking like a cat scratched you and drew blood; which would be believeable considering you owned a cat- Pumpkin; some you could also blame on an accident.

Well, what kind of accident?

Well, you didn’t have that answer. Not as if anyone were to ask anyways due to the fact that you kept them hidden in the first place.

You started at your feet, averting your eyes from your own reflection. Your feet were bony and thin, like the rest of your body. Raising your gaze, you winced at the emaciated figure that stared back at yourself.

What had you let yourself become?

To others, you looked sickly.

Had you come to Hogwarts like this initially? No. It was harder to hide it at home, so your mind never crossed it other than maybe dark thoughts here and there.

Did you have a good life at home? Well, that’s subjective. You had a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food in the fridge. All the necessary things to provide as a necessity to live.

But did you have genuine friends, loving parents, and a place to call home? No.

Your once plump and vibrant self, now looked thin to the bone. Once the soul becomes so thin, the body will inevitably follow in its footsteps like a wandering toddler, learning and adapting from the shadows within. Instead of a growing sense of ultimate self-love, self-worth, or self-positivity, the soul doesn’t have the strength to ascend upwards to health anymore. And so it is extremely hard to eat more, even when it is a simple bite at a time; drink more, with a tiny sip of water needed to survive; live more, the simple act of breathing eventually gets difficult from time to time; and ultimately hard to listen to that part of yourself that wants to stay alive and be loved.

Would you still go to the Grand Hall? Well of course, if there was one thing you hated more than yourself was unwanted attention. Part of you belives it’s your fault that you don’t have friends soley because of how introverted you are. And with the friends, well friend, that you do have just so happens to be the person most people don’t get along with; Draco Malfoy.

What’re the odds.

There definitely was more to it than just being “friends” with Draco, but neither of you fully acknowledged it. He knew about your eating disorder, and he tries his best to help you, encouraging you every step of the way- even when you blatantly push him away.

You never asked for help- Not that he cared if you did or didn’t anyway.

Turning away from the mirror, you slipped on your white button up shirt making sure to clip the button around your wrist, taking attention away for your skin. Sliding on your skirt, Y/H tie, and your Y/H robe, you were ready to head down for breakfast.

Your hand rested on the cold metal door knob, as you stared at the small piece of silver metal on top of your dresser; whom you have a terrible relationship with. You bit your lip, hesitating. You knew you shouldn’t take it. You knew you shouldn’t have it on you because it will only ingite triggers.

Fuck it.

You quickly walked over to your dresser and picked up the sharp piece to put in your pocket. Spinning on your heel, you headed on out of the room and to the Grand Hall.

You walked through the aisles, and immediately met with Draco’s eyes. He lit up and waved you over to your usual seat right beside him. He scooted over, patting the space next to him as you sat down. He grinned, happy to see you.

“G’morning, Y/N,” he said pulling you into a tight hug. He was always careful when touching you because he felt like he could snap you in half if he were to be too rough on you.

You smiled warmly, breathing in his calming smell. “Good morning, Draco.”

“Alright, I know we’ve been doing baby steps for the longest time, but I think you are just about ready,” he spoke.

You furrowed your eyebrows. “What’re you talking about?”

He leaned over the table and placed food onto your plate, more than he’s put on the last times. Before it would just be pieces of fruit here and there, maybe a piece of sausage; but this time he put a waffle, more fruit, and two slices of bacon.

Your stomach gurgled for the food, desperate to be full off of something. But at the same time, you felt sick to your stomach.

“Draco, this is too much. I’m not even all that hungry. We had a big dinner the night before remember?”

“Nonesense, you literally only ate a handfull of rice and two small pieces of asparagus last night. Even my owl eats more than that,” he scoffed, rolling his eyes.

You stared at your plate, leaning back. Your tongue felt dry, despite your cup of water being right in front of you. Your throat felt as if someone thrust a handful of itching powder down and it was dying to be coughed out. If possible, you could sit in the chair for fifteen hours straight; you just weren’t in the mood to eat.

“Listen, you don’t have to eat it all, but please try for me.”

You nodded and picked up your fork, stabbing to the orange melon. Bringing it to your lips, you slowly chewed as your stomach was growling in pleasure being finally fed.

Draco cheered you on with every bite, causing you to laugh. He wanted to distract you so that you focused less on what you’re eating and more on conversing with him so you weren’t as distracted with how much you were eating.

Eventually, you finished about half the waffle, all your fruit, and had no more bacon left. You were surprised at yourself when you looked back at your plate and then to him.

“I’m so proud of you! You ate more than I expected- not that I am complaining, I’m definitely not because I am really happy for you,” he quickly chuckled, “Maybe tomorrow we can put two waffles.” He nudged the side of your bony rib jokinly.

“Ha ha very funny,” you joked, rolling your eyes.

After some time, you had to go to class. Sadly, you didn’t share many classes with Draco if at all. Walking into potions, you sat in your usual seat in the back of the room. As usual, there were always a few Slytherin’s that would pester you solely because you were one of the few people in the school who was able to even share the same space as Draco; it was pure jealousy but you didn’t have a say in anything, or even how your friendship blossomed in the first place.

“Y/L/N,” Daphne sneered, leaning close to your face.

You really tried your best to focus on your Potions book but the group of girls that taunt you every single day just so happened to want to be extra annoying and sit around you. And when I say around you, I mean literally in front of you, next to you, on both sides, and even behind you. You lifted your head from your hand to looked at Daphne in front of you, considering she was right in your face. You opened your mouth to speak, but she beat you to it.

“I really don’t understand how us purebloods are forced to associate with people like you rotting mudbloods,” she giggled, making a disgusted expression as she said the last part. Her friends burst out into obnoxious laughter.

You weren’t even a mudblood. You had friends who weren’t magical, but that only led people to paint you as a mudblood.

"Can’t say anything? Can’t stick up for yourself Y/L/N? My goodness, do you even speak or is that too hard for you?” Sarah on the side of you asks, awaiting your response, “I see the way you have Draco baby you. It’s pathetic really.”

They took your silence as an answer and continued but this time it was Heather behind you. "See, she doesn’t even deny it,” she snickered, "Just look at you. I don’t see what he sees in you. You look like, I don’t even know how to say it, a walking pole-”

“No, a broken twig!” Daphne interjected, laughing.

“Yes a broken twig!” Heather continued, slowly enunciating each word, “Nothing but a pathetic, filthy, mudblood who pretends to be sick just to get the attention from those who actually matter.”

Each word felt like a stab in an open wound over and over again, being thrusted through your entire body. Tears welled up in your eyes as you blankly stared down at your Potions book, threatening to fall at any given moment.

“What? Cat’s still got your tongue?” Alicia from the other side of you jerked, shoving on your roughly causing you to bump into Sarah. Sarah let out a disgusted groan and pushed you back off of her.

“Gross! Do not touch me!” she gagged, as Heather joined in and pushed you to the point that you fell out of your seat and roughly onto the floor with a loud smack.

“HEY! LEAVE HER ALONE!” someone in the classroom, whom you recognized as Justin Finch-Fletchley, spoke loudly finally witnessing what was happening.

Tears silently cascaded down your cheeks. He quickly jogged over to you as the mean girls dispersed to a different part of the classroom snickering together.

“Are you alright?” he asked concerned, extending his arm out towards you. You looked at his hand through blurry eyes and nodded, lightly grabbing onto him. He helped you to your feet. Grabbing onto your book, you turned and rushed out of the room and headed in the direction of the bathroom.

Keeping you head low, you sped walked, and crashed into someone that sent you flying to the floor. Choking over your tears, you didn’t bother to look at who it was and instead rushed to find your Potions book and hurry out of there.

“Y/N?” that familiar voice spoke.

Draco.

You still avoided eyecontact as you kept searching to your book only to find him holding onto it, to give to you. Standing up, you straightened out your skirt. Lightly grabbing it, you whispered a quiet thank you and tried to continue down the hallway. He stopped you grabbing onto your arm, alarmed.

“Woah, wait. What’s going on, what happened, what’s wrong?” he asked all at once as he watched the translucent tears glide down the sides of your face. You stood straight.

“Please, let me go,” you spoke softly, your voice slightly cracking.

“Was someone saying bullshit to you? Did someone hurt you? Because you know I’m always here for you and I’ll make sure they don’t say anything to or about you ever again.” He growls getting angrier by the second.

“I just really want to be left alone, Draco. I’m sorry,” you said snatching your arm back and sped walked down the hallway.

His scowl lightens, worrying for you. He slowly followed you.

Initially you wanted to go to the bathroom, but changed your mind last minute. Turning a different corner, you kept going up more and more stairs until you inevitably reached the top of the Hogwarts building. Rushing to the edge, you dropped your book onto the floor and stood slightly leaning over the edge to get a good look at the bottom of the building with your hair flowing in the wind. It was a long way down that will ultimately end up in costing you your life. Trying to force yourself out of your thoughts, you looked in your pocket for that piece of metal, grateful that you grabbed it earlier. Frantically unbuttoning the shirt around your wrist, you felt numb as you choked over your tears silently.

“I’m not worth it,” you thought to yourself.

You stood on the brink of something you couldn't describe. The weight of everything seemed to press down on your shoulders and you struggled to take even a single step forward towards anything positive.

You felt worthless.

A waste of space. A waste of air. A waste of life.

It was too much. All of it.

The tingle as the sharp metal glided against your skin provided a senseless, numb feeling. Every step cost you as the darkness in your mind grew darker and darker; the pain grew sharper and stronger; all of it seemed to only swell in strength and you began to wonder if things could ever get better.

You were tired of feeling things. Everyday felt like never ending dread. With an exception of Draco, nothing seemed worth it anymore. Hell, Draco will only end up forgetting about you in the end of it all.

You don’t play that much of a significant role in his life to matter to him in the long run.

Sometimes you wonder if someone ever notices that sad, broken look in your eyes that you see in the mirror that are masked with a smile and fake enthusiasm.

If they see beauty where you see ugliness.

You laugh, traveling up your arm going over old scars, a bitter, sarcastic laugh, at yourself. Nobody cares. No one notices.

They never seem to, do they? You’ve fought for years, all for what.

The crimson liquid dripped down your arm, falling onto the stone floor. The wind pushed and howled against you as though to try and shove you back. Clumsily, you dropped your metal blade.

“No!” you shouted, dropping to your knees and it fell further and further, out of your sight. You choked over your sobs, feeling broken. Your arm stung and you looked at it through blurry tears.

“I can’t take this anymore,” you spoke aloud to yourself and shakily stood up. You inched closer and closed on the edge, as you looked up inhaling the fresh air. With one last breath, you closed your eyes, opened your arms, and took your last step forward and felt the pressure of the wind beat you on the way down.

The blackness behind your eyes was perfect. It provided a visual silence that gave a respected admiration. With your eyes closed there was the simple sweetness of the longing of existing, of being, of breathing, and how those moments extended with such grace until you are met with the concluding dark abyss.

Prior while had Draco followed you, he could feel the dark and depressive energy emerging out of your presense. He knew you needed your space, but something was off. The higher and higher you went up the stairs, he had enough of following you and simply looked up. Only the worse things plagued his mind as he quickly rushed back down the stairs and sprinted through the halls to hurry and get outside. He had no seconds to waste, because he had a feeling you were going to try and jump.

He could’ve followed you all the way to the top, but if you had jumped he would’ve been to late. At least this way, he had a chance of catching you.

Ignoring the pain in his chest from running, he ran pushing anyone and everyone who got in his way.

Darting outside, his eyes widened as he saw your body flying down the side of the building. With one last push of exertion, he caught you in his arms just in time. He fell forward into the floor, but was sure to cradle your head so you got the least amount of injury.

Breathing heavily up and down. You opened your eyes and met Draco’s silver, scared ones. You didn’t know what to think. You didn’t think he was going to be there. Your fresh wounds, began to soak up in his white shirt. Draco sees them, the sight of your new scars reveal themselves to him. He sees your arm, not that he’s surprised. Still being held in his arms protectively, he starts to cry.

“Y/N,” he says your name like you had just broken his heart.

Your throat tightens and you feel yourself on the brink of tears as your eyes stung. You didn’t know what to say. You were broken.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize, not knowing what else to say or do. “I’m sorry. I–”

He interrupts you. “Why...” he stammers gazing down at your arm, “How many times?” He rang a soft finger down your arm, wincing at every raw wound.

“I don’t know,” you mumbles.

“For fuck’s sake,” he cried out, his tears dripping off his chin. “I’m sorry I wasn’t…I wasn’t there for you enough.”

You shake your head, “No, Draco, it wasn’t your fault–”

Draco looked down at you with confusion and anger before he smashed his desperate lips onto yours.

Suddenly, the anger, the self-hatred, the loathing, the rage left your body for a split moment. It diminished as soon as his lips pressed against yours in a long over-due, intense passion. It was as if he was taking all away all your pain and misery and threw it away.

You kissed him back with burning amount of fiery love he was kissing you with. Your lips worked hungrily against his as his hands snaked their way to your waist and pulled your shaking body closer to his to kiss you deeper.

Your cold hands grabbed his face and pulled it closer to yours, if that was even possible. His calming scent flowed through your nostils, making your eyes water under your closed eyes.

Too many emotions were going through your brain and you couldn’t handle it. Deep down, you had always dreamt of being with Draco. Although, you wish that it could have happened under very different and happier circumstances. Nonetheless, you were grateful.

Pulling away, he gazed into your eyes. “Y/N, can you answer me why? Why didn’t you come and talk to me.”

You tried diverting your gaze, but he grabbed your chin with his hand lightly to keep his eyes locked with yours. “Please.”

“I can’t take it anymore. I hate myself and everything I stand for,” you began to cry, “I just... I just thought it would make it easier for everyone else if I were to end everything and erase myself from existence.”

“I would miss you and I don’t know what I would do without you. What if I had just offed myself and left you there to wonder where you went wrong.”

You broke down into sobs, burying your face into his neck as he embraced you in a tight hug.

You shook. “I... I know, but I’m nothing special. I’m just–”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” he snapped harshly. “You are so fucking perfect, it drives me insane. I love you so goddamn much, do you know that? Do you? I love you too much to let you keep doing this to yourself. You are worth it. You are loved. You are my everything. I want you to remember that feeling you had right now at the thought of me ending my life, because that’s what you’re doing to me whenever you cut me out of your life like I’m nothing.”

“I’m sorry,” you cried lifting your head sniffing, “Draco, I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I swear. I was just…I was just..” but you didn’t have any excuse, so you collapsed back into his warm embrace.

“I know,” he murmurs against your hair. “I know. I love you. I love you so much.”

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blacksheepofthefamilyblog · 3 years

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This text for people who suffer from anxiety

Anxiety can be present in many everyday situations. Who has never felt anxious before a first date, a job interview, an important meeting? But when it stops being temporary and starts to negatively impact someone's social life, extra attention is needed. In this case, it may be a clinical condition called “anxiety disorder” or “social phobia”. However, despite its seriousness, it is not always taken seriously from a social point of view. That's why Daniela*, from São Paulo, decided to vent on the networks and shed light on a reality common to many people, but still stigmatized. In a text posted on her Facebook, she tells how she has been dealing with her condition in a sincere and touching way. No wonder, the post has been shared more than 40 thousand times. “Anxiety isn't cool, it's not a source of pride, it shouldn't be romanticized,” she asks. "In the end, we're all trying to survive ourselves and this big world, but some people have bigger battles than others." Next, check out the full text... “I reflected a lot until I had the courage to expose what immeasurably afflicts me. We need to talk about anxiety disorder.

Waiting too long for something, keeping an eye on your cell phone to see if the person you like responds, counting the minutes until class time or work is over... None of this is being anxious. Some people may think it is, but no. Anxiety is not cool, anxiety is not a source of pride, anxiety should not be romanticized. My anxiety hurts my mind, it hurts my body, it won't let me breathe. I lose control over my feelings and everything seems to be chaos... Anxiety makes me prepare myself all day for something bad to happen, because somehow I feel that something bad is going to happen. Anxiety comes with a tightness in my chest, it creates a lump in my throat, it makes me vomit, and my whole body aches. Anxiety dries my mouth, makes me shiver and my body tingle. It makes me prone at any moment to be able to burst into tears, and that crying is uncontrollable.

Having anxiety deprives me constantly, makes me cancel things I scheduled at the last minute, things I wanted to do, things I want to be able to do, but sometimes I can only be alone. Anxiety makes me apologize too much, makes me feel awkward. And it's common to agonize days and days wondering if I said something I shouldn't, it makes me unable to ask for help because I think my pain is not valid. Anxiety keeps me awake all night, and having nightmares when I finally sleep, waking up with my heart out of step, unable to breathe. It's not nice to have. Anxiety makes me think too much, rationalize too much... I'm always mincing words, thinking too much before I act.

It makes me look dramatic, crazy, for those who don't have it. People can't understand what's going on inside me. It makes me lie every time someone asks if it's okay. Even when my mind is killing me, I say it's great because I don't want to have to explain that I don't have control over it, not yet. Anxiety strains every muscle in my body as I deal with internal issues and I try to keep my face serene so no one notices. It makes me feel every second that someone is upset about something I did or said. The weight of everything is doubled and I feel like I need to take care of everyone, but I don't let anyone take care of me.

I don't want to hear that I'm being ridiculous or exaggerating. I just want you to understand that my qualities are above anxiety, that it doesn't determine who I am. If you also struggle with anxiety, know that you are not alone. Some days are really difficult, but at one point, peace will come for everyone. And for those who don't, but know someone who does, for those who know me, respect that person, respect me, don't judge us. In the end, we're all trying to survive ourselves and this big world, but some people have bigger battles than others. Be kind, you don't know what the other is going through.”

#fears #ansiety #depressao #fobia social #anxiety #depression #sadgirl

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deliberatelyvague · 4 years

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Avoidance (belphegor x gn!reader)

Started: April 5, 2020 at 4:02pm

Ended: April 5, 2020 at 5:01pm

Word Count: 1,714

Ships: [Belphegor x gn!reader]

Trigger Warning: self harm (cutting), [social] anxiety, anxiety in general, possibly OOC belphegor

Author’s Note: this was a request!! Thank you for the request, I’m more than happy to write them.

Request: Okay,,,hey,, If it would be alright would you maybe write a Belphie x selfharm reader who is like shy and has social anxiety,,? If not that's alright!,, Hope ya have a good day/night.

—————-

You hated that you always resorted back to this blade. The blade that you had for some reason been carrying on you when you entered the Devildom, so the only thing other than the clothes on your back that you had from the Human Realm.

You hadn’t even been planning on using it that day from your recollection, but your anxiety had been spiked for many reasons.

You didn’t have time to prepare to meet new people, and in result had a lot of issues adjusting to your new surroundings. You had grown used to them eventually, even becoming close friends with most of the people in the Devildom. You had your eyes set on one of the brothers for a while, and he eventually caught on and you went on a date, which included you both taking naps while watching a movie. The past few months have been amazing in your life.

So, why had you once again resorted to harming yourself? It was pretty simple. Your anxiety had piqued for no reason, or not any that you could come up with.

Maybe it was the stress of school, maybe it was your boyfriend showing you less attention? Wait, that was it.

Belphegor has been avoiding you for a few days now, which made you feel like you did something wrong. You knew that you should confront him about it, but your personality made it so that you avoided confrontation as much as you could.

So at nights you didn’t have Belphegor to comfort you when you got lost in your thoughts, so you ended up curled up in your bathroom, a blanket wrapped around you in the bathtub and crimson soaked blade in you hand as your other tried to catch the blood before it hit the tub.

You watched as the blood formed into droplets before being pulled down by gravity to the bottom of the tub. You had left the bathroom door opened but locked your actual bedroom door, to keep people out.

You watched as the few cuts you had on your wrist coagulated and you pushed yourself out of the tub, rinsing off and washing your wounds and hands before putting a few bandaids that you had pushed to the back of your cabinet on them. You noted that you needed to buy more gauze next time you could, and that opportunity presented itself quickly.

“[Y/N], I need to go to the store to restock the kitchen. Would you like to go with me?” You hear Satan’s voice call through the door after he knocked.

“Oh, uh, yeah! I’d like to go, hold on a second please,” you called back to him and quickly pulled on one of Belphegor’s hoodies that you had stolen when he slept in your room the last time.

You took in a deep breath and opened the door, greeted with a smiling Satan.

“Did Beel eat everything again, or..?” You asked, shoving your hands in the pocket and gazing down at the floor.

“No, surprisingly, I’d noticed that you had been acting a little off, so I decided that I would cook one of your favorite meals tonight. We didn’t have enough of a few things, so I figured I might at well go to the store. And it’s no fun going alone.”

You stopped and shook your head.

“Satan, you don’t need to make me a meal, I’m fine. It’s probably just hormonal changes,” you assure him, and he shakes his head.

“I want to, and even if it is hormones, now I’m craving [favorite meal], so I’m going to make it.”

You didn’t stop him but you sped up your pace a little bit to catch up to him.

“I also need to grab a few things if that’s alright.”

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t be.”

You felt a pair of eyes on you before you closed the gate to the House, but when you looked at the doorway and the windows you didn’t see anything.

On the way to the store you stayed close to Satan, but not close enough to make him uncomfortable, hopefully. He didn’t seem to mind at least, and it made you feel comforted knowing that if anything happened he wouldn’t let you get very hurt.

You went into the store with him and as he grabbed a few vegetables you thought you would try to show your disorder who’s boss and get your bandages without needing someone there with you.

As you were looking over the packages and seeing what the best deal was (was it the two rolls for 50 Grimm, one roll for 30 Grimm, or maybe the ten rolls for 200 Grimm?), you heard an unfamiliar voice next to you, asking you a question.

Your pulse quickened as you looked over, and there stood a demon, with an arrogant look on their face.

“What?” You asked them, palming the ten rolls of gauze.

“Aren’t you that human exchange student? Man you’re a little thing.”

You nodded, not looking then in the face before turning away. You felt their hand grip your wrist, and you winced, feeling the bandaids tear at your healing cuts, and you were horrified when you felt a warm liquid drip down onto your hand.

They seemed to notice the blood and sink their claws in more, ripping the sleeve of the hoodie to show the bleeding cuts and the fresh ones made from the claws.

“P-please don’t touch me,” you tried to order them, trying to get your wrist out of their grip, but they pulled you toward them, making you land on their chest.

Tears sprang to your eyes as you tried to push off of them. Why was no one helping you? Where was Satan, you had been gone for a while now, and he knows about your issues, so where was he? Where was anyone?

“No, little dove, I think I’ll keep you for a tasty treat tonight. It’s been so long since I had a human, and one as succulent as you should last me awhile.”

No one was showing up, Satan probably left you. It’s probably for the best, with how needy and clingy you were, that was probably his plan all along. All of the brothers probably agreed, then that means Diavolo had agreed because if not Lucifer would have told them not to and would have punished them for even bringing up that idea.

“N-no! Please, someone help! Please,” you called out, and suddenly the demon was thrown off of you and you were cradled into a chest, your eyes adjusting to the navy blue and cow print and you took a deep breath in, breathing the scent of your lover.

“Belphie,” you whimpered out, cringing to him, and he put his hand on the back of your head, stroking lightly on your hair.

“Let’s go home,” he spoke, and started leading you out of the store, placing another hand on the small of your back.

“B-but the gauze-”

“I have some in my bathroom, Cub,” he soothed. “Satan can deal with the poor excuse for a demon in there.”

The walk home was silent other than your shaky breath, trying to calm yourself down. The blood hadn’t stopped running down your hand, attracting attention but the attention was immediately turned away when Belphie sent them a glare that could probably scare Lucifer.

Belphie led you up to his room, making you sit on the desk on his side of his and Beel’s room before leaving to your room, coming back minutes later and going to his bathroom. He came back with ointment and gauze, placing both those things down and also placing another object down. It gleamed in the light, and you let out a sharp breath.

“Belphie, I’m s-”

“Cub, I don’t want to hear your apologies. You didn’t do anything wrong,” he soothed as he dressed your cuts, both older and fresh, and pulled you to be standing. “Come with me, please.”

He picked up the blade and took your other hand, leading you to his bathroom.

“This is the only blade I found, is this the only one you have?” You nodded. “Use your words, Cub.”

“Yes, that’s the only one I have.”

“Okay,” he handed you the blade. “Flush it down the toilet.”

“What?”

“Flush it down the toilet, I don’t want it to be in any place to tempt you. Please, Cub. I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore.”

You looked back and forth between him and the toilet, before dropping the blade in the toilet and flushing it.

“That’s going to ruin the pipes,” you try to joke, but Belphie shrugged.

“That’s Lucifer’s problem.”

“I don’t think it’s only his problem.”

Belphie dragged you to his bed, laying down and bringing you to rest beside his chest.

“I don’t expect you to tell me if you don’t feel comfortable, but I’m here to talk anytime you want to, you know that, right Cub?”

“Yeah, I guess. I just felt like you were avoiding me, and it made me anxious.”

He let out a shaky breath and brought you closer to him.

“I’m sorry, Cub. Lucifer had been making me mad, and I just needed a little space from people.”

You giggle a little at that and look up at him with tired eyes.

“I love you,” you told him, and he smiled and brought you up to his face, connecting his lips with yours, and you laid your hands on his chest before separating.

“I love you too, Cub.”

You two laid in bed for a little while longer, both your breathing eventually becoming one as you both fell asleep holding each other.

————

This was written by me in no way trying to romanticize mental illnesses. I try to write what I feel would help me in the moment. I completely understand that mental illnesses don’t just ‘disappear’ when you’ve figured out that someone loves you or someone helps you once- that’s why I don’t write what happens after in most cases. If you are struggling, please reach out to anyone you trust, or call a hotline.

#obey me oneshots #obey me #obey me imagines #obeymeoneshots #obeymeimagines #obey me x reader #obeymexreader #belphegorxreader #belphegor x reader #shall we date #shall we date belphie #shall we date belphegor #belphegor imagines #belphie x reader #belphiexreader #belphegor oneshot #satan #obey me belphegor

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