what are eldest siblings for if not telling you i stood up to our parents to live a happier life and so can you

unavoidable that you will be the villain in someone else's story. You will be painted in an unfavorable light. You will be the irredeemable one. and all of this will happen despite how nice you might usually be or how kind or how respectful or how warm. and you will just have to move on.

Honestly just wanna vent right now because my brain fog has been so terrible and debilitating. Between the bpd, adhd, and chronic migraines it’s a hell I can’t seem to get out of.

Every project I write I have to look up a thousand synonyms to figure out what I want to say because I can’t find the words. Then I have to go back to the page again because I’ve immediately forgotten what I read. I used to keep a journal for fun, I just call it my notebook because I also make lists and shit that aren’t diary entries. Now I have to write anything I want to remember in it because otherwise I’ll never remember it again, whether or not it was fun. It could be one of the best experiences of my life and I’ll still forget details.

I’m exhausted, my brain hurts constantly, it feels hopeless because I’m in constant agonizing pain and it never stops. I can’t even describe how I feel it’s so awful, it feels like the energy that’s making my blood boil is crawling through my skin. It feels like I’ll never get back to how I was before. I know I’m a great writer but it’s just not the same anymore. I can’t feel like myself. The words just disappear, it’s like I just can’t make connections in my brain anymore. I’m in a place where I have help and I know what to do when it gets bad and I get help, but it doesn’t really ever feel better. My head literally feels like it’s almost heavy or something.

I want to be able to enjoy my life again. I want to feel as smart as I used to. I have all the knowledge but it just won’t connect. It’s like I read an entire instruction manual and have all the knowledge, but when I go to put the project together I just can’t do it. Like my hands are just too heavy and tired to even pick up one piece. It feels like I just want to sleep for a year or something because it’s so tired and needs a break. But I can’t because I have school and work and need to survive on my own. I have a thousand problems almost no one else has to deal with and I have to fix them in a body that doesn’t work anymore.

I’ve been called a compulsive liar because I can’t remember anything and people think that saying I forgot is just an excuse. I have to use it so much I don’t blame them if they don’t know. But as soon as I try to explain why no one gets it. They think it’s just lies on top of lies and it just makes it worse. I just want to finally be believed and loved. I’m dating this girl who l really really love and I think she understands, but she’s going to school to be a cop and I haven’t had a chance to explain to her why it’s not something she should do. She wants to do it to help people and we’re very similar in that way, but I think it’s just because she doesn’t understands how the system works. I’m hoping she’ll understand when I explain it because I do it calmly and try to give good points as I always do, but I love her so much I’m worried it’ll just end. We’ve only been on 2 dates and I might see her again tonight which means I probably have to explain it.

I’m just afraid she’s gonna turn on me and think I’m a criminal because of the things I’ve done. I’ve had to steal before to eat, and also a few times something small because I did something well and couldn’t get any nice things if I didn’t do that. It’s like I work so hard so I deserve a little treat once in a while like everyone else, like a cool pen or something. Basically nothing but even a few dollars is a lot sometimes for me. I’m big into social activism which means people often call us criminals for giving advice on what to do in protests to avoid police. We avoid them because they target us and try to arrest us because we disrupt what the government wants, because we want BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS AND FOR A GENOCIDE TO STOP. Because they want power and control. And I’m afraid she won’t get that and it feels like she’s the only one who understands me right now. All of our experiences together have been so good that it literally feels like a dream and when I see her again it finally feels like reality. A bunch of my shitty friends turned on me and I don’t fucking care, I hate them, it’s just that I don’t have anyone else to talk to now besides my coworkers and a few teachers.

So I just need to find a way for this to get fucking better because I can’t stand it.

Reblogging this because I got an app called Commons and I’m in the top 7% of low emissions since I’m vegetarian, use public transit, and am poor as fuck lmao

Love this so much <3

“You shouldn’t self-ID as ADHD/autistic, you’re turning a very real mental condition into a trend” Ok then stop saying delulu. Stop speculating on which cluster C personality disorder the criminals you hear about on the news have. Stop saying “schizoposting” and “acoustic” and “is it restarted?” Stop using “psycopath” and “sociopath” as catch-all ways of calling someone a bad person. Stop saying “the intrusive thoughts won” when you bleach your hair and then turn your nose up at people who suffer from very real, very scary urges of physical/sexual violence. Stop saying “I’m so OCD” as a way of calling yourself neat. Stop treating BPD/ASPD/Bipolar as inherently abusive. Stop saying “OP I am living in your walls” without tagging for unreality. Stop diagnosing complete strangers you’ve never met on r/AITA with NPD.

You first. If you don’t want our disabilities to be treated like trends then stop belittling and minimising them. I’ll NEVER judge a person for trying find labels for their symptoms when an apathetic, racist, sexist, ableist healthcare system refuses to. But I will absolutely judge a hypocrite. Which a lot of you are

Am I the person who feels fake or the person who feels like nothing at all

I don’t know which one is worse

My shitty stick and poke progress:

(Yes I am using tattoo needles and ink, and cleaning my workspace and all surfaces with isopropyl alcohol)

Gonna finish the flower and pedestal tomorrow. I had a shit day but this was really fun and it made it slightly better. I don’t care that it’s slightly shitty I didn’t expect it to be perfect as it is my first one, but it’s better than most of the stick and pokes I’ve seen so that’s all that matters to me lol

(I will also be using proper aftercare. I have several normal tattoos and have experience in this)

In case you couldn’t tell it represents a past suicide attempt

you're not a monster. you're you. you're flawed, yes, but you're also incredibly alive. just human. real. capable of great things, capable of change and growth, too. don't define yourself by the inner critic lashing out at you. you're not your worst moments.

Yeah I know guys it’s called bpd

True isolation is when everyone else is talking about their vibrant teenage experience and you’re like. I was just trying to survive

I just want to clear something up because omg I’ve noticed the romanticizing again and it’s bothering me.

Hallucinations and delusions are not fun. You don’t just ‘see ghosts’ (and I’ve hallucinated a person once who I thought was a ghost). I don’t mean this in the fact that you can’t believe in ghosts or feel like hallucinations are ghosts, but I feel it needs to be pointed out that of course situations have nuance. I’ve just met a lot of people who thought that hallucinations were like ‘seeing ghosts for fun’.

In fact for me personally it’s very rare to hallucinate people (although I know this isn’t the case for a lot of people, but I find it’s just an assumption that all hallucinations involve seeing people and it’s really annoying).

It’s uncomfortable. The delusions consume your thoughts. You don’t know the boundaries between what things are real and what’s not. It changes your eating, sleeping, and virtually everything in your life. It distances you from everyone closest to you, makes them feel unreal or like they’re trying to harm you. I have very mild hallucinations, mainly due to sleep deprivation, and I genuinely don’t know how I would deal with it if it was worse.

I might not be the person to speak on this because my hallucinations are fairly mild (I have bpd not schizophrenia or any other related disorder), and the delusions are really what affects me the most but I’m just so tired of it. I’m tired of people constantly being surprised that I’m still functioning in the middle of an episode and showing up to school. I don’t just disappear for two weeks. Most of the time I can still function and that’s what I do, I don’t get how that’s surprising. But I can tell you it’s definitely not fun.