#and it was 'depressed person' and 'you guys are getting manic episodes'
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notes on watching Goodbye Farewell Amen for the first time since 2003, by singlecrow aged whatever. there’s also some stuff here I’ve put elsewhere, sorry you’re having it twice if you are.
Anyway it’s really GOOD, like, I know, other people have observed that in the last 50 years but it IS. Funny, sad, clever, textured, and also a really good episode of MASH? It has the things that one ought to have, like people talking over each other and tanks being driven into things and latrines and shouting. And in places it’s beautiful and eerie: everything about the bus journey is impeccable; and the shots of the bus coming in from the hills with the light coming through the glass were really something.
And then there’s Hawkeye. Oh god. you can’t do this, though, if you’re not this show. Eleven years, telling us right at the start in a funny voice and in the middle in a dead serious voice and then then quite often in a funny voice again, Hawkeye is… not very well. He’s fine. He lives in a war zone and is surprisingly fine. But Hawkeye has that immeasurable fragility, and it’s there, and you know it’s there because we’ve told you so, and it’s the kind of fragility that comes with being often-manic, very depressed, empathetic to the point of unreason. Crucially: it’s a sitcom. Hawkeye has entire episodes of him playing poker, sending telegrams to President Truman, kissing Margaret, and ordering spare ribs from Chicago and winning a tank in a bet. And a bunch of other stuff. It’s very funny.
But still. But still and all, for all it’s very funny. This episode needs less than a minute of set-up - an outdoor shot of somewhere that isn’t the usual place, and then Hawkeye sitting on the floor in a dark room, looking at Sidney, and you know. You always knew. This is it, for Hawkeye; this is where all roads have led.
(In 2003, I don’t think I knew to notice the camera lingering, as it does several times, on the locked door.)
Hawkeye is what I’ve carried with me all my life. Probably bipolar, always sleepless. I was fourteen and it was 2001 the first time I picked out Sidney’s line, elsewhere in the show’s timeline: “Actually, Hawkeye, I think you’re the sanest person I’ve ever known”. Hawkeye believed it and I chose to believe it too.
So does it undercut that, that my talisman of sanity ends up on the floor in the institution? No. Because Hawkeye gets up off the floor again. He is always fragile; he’s always hurt. And I actually really enjoy that, in its way. Hawkeye crying or screaming (or laughing) is always unpretty, because it’s like how real people do those things; and here, Sidney gets Hawkeye out of the institution but he’s still lost. He would be. He’s still manic if not psychotic, and desperately sad. (Sidebar: this - this! - is when he gets his most Exceptionally Bisexual line in the entire series, presumably because this is also his most Exceptional Disaster.) He cheers up a bit at the prospect of the wedding, because he does love a wedding.
So, fragile, yes. But I do believe that Hawkeye went home and picked up the threads of his life, and maybe he began like someone else did, hurt beyond the capacity of homeland to heal. There’s the crucial crack in Hawkeye’s nature; where you find the story. Is Hawkeye like Frodo Baggins, to diminish and go into the West, or not?
And the thing is, I think they’re an apt comparison. They have, remarkably, a similar cultural weight; enough of an exerted pressure on the fabric of the Western twentieth century. The wars that Frodo and Hawkeye came home from were all of eight years apart. And you step within the narrative and they’re both… some guy. Someone who had to do a thing they didn’t want to do, that needed to be done although it wasn’t their fault and nothing to do with them. Frodo goes home, and the Shire has been saved, but not for him. He can’t stay. He never finds himself again.
But I believe that Hawkeye will. He doesn’t end this episode still institutionalised, or even still frighteningly mentally ill; he ends up exhausted and sad and damaged and on his way home. And it’s like this show to leave this as a question that may or may not have an answer: can Hawkeye shatter that archetype, be not broken but more gold than cracks? He goes back to his own job, though it’s hard. He tells people he loves them. He says goodbye to Sidney with a quiet word of thanks. And when the time comes, he says goodbye to the others and goes. It is an open question: but this is MASH, which answers all such questions with love, and affection, and courage and care. Small things matter in dark places. Hawkeye’s great tragedy is that he’s the main character - a remarkable man but an ordinary one, a small-town doctor who doesn’t want to be in this terrible place - and the show necessarily makes an example of him. Here’s what happens to ordinary, good people, who did their best and didn’t deserve it. But then, if ordinary, then ordinary recovery, with love and care and time, and ordinary life.
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random harry / jean pre-martinaise thoughts. headcanons mostly since the game doesn't give Much to go off. wrote this to gather my thoughts for how to write the jean/harry dynamic.
warning for suicide mentions and also dora is underage (17) when harry meets her. also abusive toxic relationships and domestic violence. also brief nsfw mention (just "they fuck" and that's it, nothing in-depth). also these people r homophobic
so jean:
Partnered with Harry from '46 to '49
officially met harry after dora left harry in '45. Never met dora. was aware of / had talked to harry b4 then, but they didn't work together
Partnered w Harry after a previous partner left Harry.
Only guy left (along with trant but jean forced trant to stay)
then Harry timeline maybe:
Met Dora when he was 23 and she was 17 in ’30. They lived together for 3 years. The first 2 years are perfect, happy, out of a dream.
Cracks start to form in the facade about year 3, but they try to work through it. But she’s young and naive. She convinces him to join the rcm bc he cares so much for revachol it hurts. Stop wasting your potential being a gym teacher, be a cop. Save the world
And he does he goes and joins. But then they start to run out of money. And he starts to lose it
Joined rcm in ’33 when he was 26
Did so many cases probably coz of stimulants + alcohol
Has had amnesiac blackouts in the past
In the beginning Harry's GOOD. Hes SMART. He manages. And then they load case after case on him. And hes already manic depressive as fuck (bc i hc him with bipolar i). So hes already working up a healthy alcohol addiction. Bc he and dora argue a lot.
After the first year or two, the arguments start to get more and more frequent. They’re not good for each other, but you don’t just Leave someone. You have to stick with them. And maybe dora also had hope he’d get better
But towards the end it’s toxic as fuck, she hits him, he hits her, they yell at each other. Toxic environment breeds toxic out of both of them.
She basically matured around him, under his influence, so it’s VERY abusive, and she starts to come into her own person and demand independence, and fight back, and he doesnt like that. And she also doesnt like it when hes sad and she TELLS HIM that. And he doesnt like that. Bc shes SHIT with his mental illness and not patient or understanding at all. Plus he's drunk and high so much, so as far as she’s concerned that’s why he’s like that (his manic and depressive; she blames it on the drugs and the drink) (ignoring the fact that he’s been this way since the beginning bc the first two perfect years remain without issue in her mind, even tho there are plenty of issues there)
Dora left him in ’45, 12 years after he joined the rcm.
She’s 38 in ’51, he’s 44. 6 year age gap. Were together for 15 years
Had a previous partner in the rcm from 33 to 46. 13 years working together!!!!!!! (Harry was 26 to 39; old guy (born in ’85) was 54 to 67)
Maybe an older guy who mentored harry. Like a real noir type of guy. Gets partnered with this new young guy bc hes really good at his job and harry can keep up. Was like. Yeah no I dont want to work with anyone anymore, but then theres harry and he needs a partner and the older guy is like fuck. I like this one lemme grab him. Bc he sees harry’s potential. They work REALLY well together. Old guy teaches harry a lot of shit. hes super bitter on the outside and hardened by life, and harry gets a lot of his vices from him. The guy’s a drunk old cranky bastard and no one wanted to work with him and they all thought oh this guy won’t lighten up. But he picks harry. And harry opens him up.
He’s really good with harry’s manic episodes. But it’s like. They bounce off each other, balance each other out. But also maximize the shit. Encourage the bad habits in each other
Old guy is shit with the depressive episodes. Harry says I feel like killing myself, old guy says go ahead and do it nothing in life matters
Harry got manic sometime in that time frame in the year and a half after dora left him and said FUCK this old guy. Fuck your cranky bitter awful ass youre dragging me down. Youre too old. You cant keep up with me. I want that one other guy (jean) bc he’s smart he’s young hes capable he can fix me. Fuck off, im working with jean now (maybe he and jean have had a case or 2 in the past that helped harry realize jean's potential)
So the old guy quit. He just ditches he’s like ok suffer whatever see if I fucking care. Imagine your partner of 11 years starts getting super pissed at you and now getting emotionally dependent on you and clingy as fuck the old guy just COULDNT handle that
harry was manageable in the beginning. it started to seriously go to shit when dora left him bc before he would go home and take it out on dora. so his work didnt see his bad side until he lost her. She was his anchor, his life, his rock, and when he lost her he had no fucking idea what to do. started to take out his issues on his coworkers instead
Jean again:
Jean has been in the rcm for a while, maybe since he was 20 in ’37? He’s a sensitive sort of guy in there, he feels how the world hurts, so he wants to help. But also he joins bc it makes him feel tough. He can push people around. Gives him an excuse to be a bully. See dad? IM TOUGH. Fuck you (he has major mommy/daddy child abuse issues. bc i hc him as having been a very sensitive kid who cried a lot. and got bullied by everyone for it, family especially. now he has a major superiority / not-man-enough complex)
Hes also Really good at his job. Hes happy doing housework!!! He likes patrolling and giving people tickets and doesnt want to do much else. plus he's very bonded to his horse. therapy horse
Jean is diagnosed by the lazareth for depression when he’s 27 bc he slips a little on his copwork I think.
Harry grabs him in ’46 when jean is 29, so jean does horse for 9 years, then 5 years of homicide with harry where he goes thru the absolute stress of his life getting thrown into lieutenant position completely unprepared for it
Jean is ok with harry at first bc he has hope, jeans a guy who hopes, and hes like ok harry will get thru this hes smart, but slowly jeans like ah fuck nope. This ones a lost cause. They work together for 4 and a half years!
Harry helps jean thru a breakup and is genuinely nice. I think harry slips into a manic episode when first working with jean and jean knows that side of him first, then he stabilizes, then sinks into depression again
In the 4 years they work together:
In the beginning of working with harry, jean breaks up with his girlfriend of like. 6 years. Who he’s known since ’40 when he was 23 (it’s '46 now and he’s 29). Harry helps him through it and jean gets really attached to harry coz of that
About 3 years in (in '49) they have homosexual relations. Ie they fuck. Bc harry gets really awful. Really starts slipping
And the case load is a LOT for jean. And he’s been thru 5 girlfriends in three years since that other one and it’s been shit. They’ve all left him bc he has to choose work over them (and also coz he's a crybaby but also coz he's super pushy and controlling)
And jean’s lonely as fuck. And he’s starting to drink too bc of harry. And bc of his influence. And they fuck and jean gets obsessed with him and he’s like fuck this is gonna’ wreck everything (there's a lot of internal homophobia here too). He really tries to be professional but it’s HARD when harry’s got so many ups and downs
Bc jean genuinely is there for and DOES help harry. Harry just. Keeps relapsing. Constantly. But jean keeps coming back bc Harrys so clingy and genuinely nice to him etc
Jean’s dealt with harry suicide attempts like so many times in this time period. Countless
But in ’49 b4 they fuck, harry tried to make a move on jean bc he really was getting obsessed with him, and jean denied him bc jean’s homophobic as fuck
A week later harry kills himself. Or. he’s supposed to be dead, but he doesn’t die somehow
That’s when he goes missing for a few days and jean finds harry in his apartment half dead. Tried to hang himself
They get SUPER codependent after that. And it gets toxic. Bc jean hates being emotionally vulnerable with another man and bc harry can get violent when rejected or just violent unexpectedly
There may be a jean suicide attempt in there too, but something like passively suicidal: doesn’t have a regard for himself or a sense of self-preservation. Harry’s had to save his life before, help him out of danger (and vice versa tbh)
Jean is more trigger happy than harry, so part of the reason harry has so few kills is bc jean took them. But also jean is really good at stopping harry. And ALSO harry just. Really doesn’t want to kill people. He talks first, shoots later (unlike Kim who shoots first, talks later). Hes a really competent cop, its just that his unmedicated bipolar ass and his work stress and his breakup issues and the jean codependency really drown him
i know there's definitely more going on here, and i could go earlier about harry (he's a child of divorce and learned a lot from his parents about how to treat a partner (ie yell and shout at her), he has a lot of trauma from working child labor and also from watching his friends die in his teens) but these r my basic vague thoughts rn
#anyhow#c4rg0f1l3s#disco elysium#disco elysium spoilers#ig? yeah maybe for dora? it's mostly headcanons#my writing#kinda'#harry du bois#jean vicquemare#dora ingerlund#do i need to put this under a cut??#disco elysium headcanons#i might get slack for this. ITS FINE. im trying to keep all my hcs very revacholcore im ngl#theres a specific way the game sets up its characters n i wanna try and capture that#scary still. lets see how it goes#marfă din elysium
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Evil system blog information
We're a DID system of (fluctuating) 15-20 alters. We're white british, AFAB and bodily 17.
Simply plural: evilsystemm
Diagnosed with:
Autism spectrum disorder
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
Sensory processing disorder
Oppositional defiance disorder
Major depressive disorder (currently being diagnosed)
Situational mutism
Self diagnosed:
Borderline personality disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder
Questioning bipolar 1, reluctant to say we have it
traits of other PDs
We will not be obligated to explain our self diagnoses to anyone.
Basic details on relevant alters
some may make their own introduction posts
[🌃] Liam | He/Him (#🌃)
[🎭] Aries | He/They (#🎭)
[💎] Luci | She/He (#💎🎩)
[🩷] Cel | She/Bun/Love (#🩷)
[💙] Nicole | She/Her (#💙)
[🌹] Emmeline | She/Zher/They
[🎉] Pixel | Xe/It (#🎉)
[🪼] Rae/Ava | She/Her
[🌈] Rumi | They/Bun/Zom (#🌈)
Not all pronouns listed here as some wouldn't fit.
General beliefs, alignments I guess
We are collectively anti-capitalist and most of us identify as Marxist and/or communist.
We're pro palestine, those who aren't are fine to interact as long as you DO NOT spread zionist ideology here.
We have differing opinions on endogenic systems depending on the alter, but most of us wish to see endogenic systems have their own space away from traumagenic systems whether they exist or not. If you identify as endogenic you are welcome to interact with us as long as you're respectful. We will ensure that alters who may be disrespectful towards you are not enacting this.
We're pro neo and xeno pronouns and some of us use them ourselves.
Anti comshipper but respectful and sympathetic towards underage comshippers. Avoid interacting if you're a comshipper as it's incredibly triggering for some of us. (Guys stop having " anti proship DNI " in your bio and then following and interacting with me. I AM ANTI PROSHIP leave me alone)
Anti radqueer and transID. Those of you who reblog my posts without actually having the disorders or traits of the disorders will be blocked, I don't appreciate my thoughts being used to uplift such things.
Generally dissaproving of nihilists, antinatalists and eco fascists HOWEVER I cannot speak for the entire system as some of us probably identify with those labels, and im understanding that those beliefs often result from trauma. Free to interact if you're in those categories but be aware your ideas may be subject to scrutiny.
If you romanticise or sexualise BPD, DNI!!
Narc abuse believers, you're welcome to interact but I will be making an effort to change your minds and if you upset any of our alters you will be blocked.
We don't believe singular alters can have PDs that the rest of the system does not, if you believe that, feel free to interact but I will be judging you. /hj /lh
Other cluster Bs please interact!!!! We have a special interest in PDs and would love to get to know the disorders better (esp. ASPD and HPD). Plus, we ruined all our relationships during a potential? manic episode so friends would be super cool.
there's probably more but I can't think of anything at current
Interests, fandoms
Most of the system has a special interest in fall out boy (the band) and can name almost every song, album etc. in chronological order (i'll take any excuse to brag about this).
As previously mentioned, special interest in personality disorders.
We take A level sociology which ties in really nicely with our politics special interest so we talk about that quite often.
We write essays from time to time about things we enjoy and/or feel strongly about.
Cel is " normal " about neon genesis evangelion (she is not).
Rumi likes Doctor Who.
Liam is a passive (feral. obsessed. insane.) enjoyer of Alice in Borderland, both the manga and the show.
Pixel likes My little pony and My chemical romance (best not to question it).
We have a special interest in typology (enneagram, MBTI, instinct stacking) with pixel being the most interested in it but knowledge spans across the system.
I think that's almost everything covered, I'll update this in future if I think of anything else. This was written by Liam.
#actually npd#npd safe#did system#npd#cluster b#fob#traumagenic system#system stuff#plural system#plurality#actually bpd#bpd#actually narcissistic#fall out boy#alice in borderland#hpd safe#aspd safe#🌃#🎭#💎🎩#🌈#🩷
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I just read Legoland and I decided to compile some helpful tidbits about Penny's character, for all your fanfic writer needs!
If you want to write RTC fanfic using her canon personality and backstory, this is the place for you. I apologize if someone has done something similar!
•Let's start with her basic introduction in the play;
"PENNY is a young woman wearing French braids and a private school uniform; she has a bright smile."
"PENNY: Hello. My name is Penny Lamb, and I am an aspiring animal conservationist."
"PENNY speaks at an incredible speed, being an immensely nervous and self-conscious teenager. She literally trips over her words -- a volcano of passion and eloquence."
Now I'll give you some backstory and character info without getting into Legoland's plot. This is so people who don't have an interest in the story itself can still grasp the basics of Penny's character.
Both Penny and her little brother (Ezra) were homeschooled. They grew up on the Elysium Community Farm, just outside of Uranium City.
When Penny turned 13, she was already getting "itchy" to see the outside world (kids were not allowed to leave Elysium until they turned 16). She thought she knew what to expect after reading 'Anne of Green Gables'.
The Lambs snuck out to a Walmart and found out it was very different from what they thought it would be. They tried to strike up conversations with people but everyone seemed weirded out by them (they snuck out several times to try and "strike up friendly chats")
Eventually the manager called the police who drove them home. That's when "all that trouble happened"
Penny's parents got 15 years in prison for cultivation and trafficking of narcotics. Her and Erza were sent to Saint Cassian Catholic School (which as I'm sure you all know is the same school that the choir members attend, obviously, since Uranium City isn't big enough to have more than one school). It is stated to be a boarding school in this so that's some extra lore for us I guess.
"PENNY: The instant I see the boys staring at me like gaping fish with their heads cut off… and the girls looking at me with those Queen of England smiles… Oh, little Penny wasn’t in Kansas anymore… Uh-uh… I was sent to the charred black bowels of everlasting Hell!"
Despite her homeschooling education Penny is actually very smart, but the values taught to her don't really go over well with a catholic school system. She also likes to use 'big words'.
Penny gets sent to the school psychiatrist, and allegedly diagnosed as Bipolar and manic depressive (to me it seemed implied that the psychiatrist was a crook, but maybe I'm reading too much into it. Do with this information what you will).
She does go through a depressive episode though, or what sure looks like one;
"PENNY: Like, sleeping in my room all day… tearing my hair and throwing up, kind of suicidal and depressed and everything… So, one day a bunch of girls were setting fire to my school bag -- second time that week -- and I wasn’t even crying anymore… because, you get to a point… when you’re waaaay beyond crying."
Penny can play the ukulele and she also composes songs (or, she writes at least one during the play, but y'know)
She seems to be very against cussing, just as much as Ocean is, and reprimands Ezra whenever he cusses throughout the play.
Penny is a pescetarian.
She goes on this insane cross-country trip with her brother to the US, and whenever they get to a new state she always recites how many endangered species they have there. I just thought this was cute, and very Jane-like.
So yeah, without getting too much into it, Penny throws hot coffee on this guy and uhhh, bites him? Apparently? The assault charges get dropped and she gets extradited back to Canada, but the story was leaked to the media and she was famous for a little bit.
The way Penny and Ezra got money to travel to the US in the first place was by selling his ADHD prescription meds, so she goes to trial for drug dealing, and gets probation (they don't specify how long she's on probation for in the play).
At the very end of the script, Penny states she'd like to say something about true love. I wanted to include part of what she said because it's quite lovely (and oh y'all can make so much fanfic with this);
"In a world where we are ultimately alone, and die in our own arms, love is the closest you come to another person… because it is the closest you come to being another person. So be very careful what you love."
*this quote is apparently also in some versions of rtc, I assume as an easter egg of sorts.
Sorry this is so long. I love Penny Lamb a lot and I also think she's insane <3
#penny lamb#jane doe rtc#jane doe ride the cyclone#penny lamb rtc#penny lamb ride the cyclone#ride the cyclone#rtc#rtc musical#legoland#legoland play#legoland penny lamb#penny lamb legoland#long post#lesbophobia tw#cw lesbophobia
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So you headcanon Drake as unstable?
in short, yes. but it’s more like. drake was traumatized as a kid and it didn’t get addressed, and he doesn’t recognize that as an adult. his outbursts towards gosalyn certainly aren’t normal or healthy. he cares for her more than anything and this is plain to see, but it doesn’t change the fact that he is to an extent perpetuating the cycle of abusive parenting that i can assume he himself is familiar with.
though, on a more immediate note, there is a line in the show where he offers that he is “a little manic-depressive on weekends”. i think there’s a clear reason that he throws himself into his work and becomes utterly engrossed in it. he’s not happy with himself unless he can be of use and is getting attention for it, in simplest terms.
drake is a good guy. his ego is a monster but he’s got some serious delusions of grandeur. the fame and attention was certainly a big part of why he became a superhero, but let’s face it: he needs to do the right thing. he was bullied constantly as a kid for being a meek geek. injustice makes his blood boil.
i actually really love that episode where he travels back in time to when he was little, because he was ultimately the one to inspire himself when he needed direction most. i just love the beauty of it. it reminds me of people i know who came from horrible situations and yet still care for everything ruthlessly. just because they HAD to.
and no, it doesn’t mean they’re not going to have some unhealthy ingrained beliefs and skewed perspectives on things because of their unaddressed trauma. but it’s admirable and it’s a start.
in drake’s case, no one believed in him, no one supported him, and people actively used him and tossed him aside. i can see how as an adult he would be hungry for the spotlight and deal with a lot of jealously. i mean, he’s tried to steal the glory from his OWN DAUGHTER before, notably in Quiverwing Quack. just. make that make sense. a stable and secure person would never do that.
i could probably keep going on about how drake is mentally ill but i don’t have the time at the moment. and hey, this is just what i’ve gathered from the show and my own personal opinion, so you do you. i just find it personally important to explore drake’s character and address his toxic and abusive traits. all in all, i love him to death!
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Vance hopper hcs (pt 7) [dating hcs!]
(warning this was not proof read and i am tired)
general hcs:
the relationship would either have to be you guys being friends first or growing close and then dating, he needs to trust the person 110% before he can date them
has a bit of a player rep because of self-distructive tendencies (using girls to distract, etc)
if you're a guy it'll take a lot of reassuring his internalized homophobia and working through that together as well. some times it'll be fine but then it'll hit harder than ever before, straining the relationship a LOT
pushes a lot of potential partners away because he doesn't allow himself to feel emotions and puts up lots of walls. if you truly want to date him it'll be a lot of work for the both of you to make it work
who he tends to go for:
I'm gonna be honest he tends to go for ladies a lot, and finds himself crushing on them more often
there will be guys who catches his attention every so often
unfortunately, he tends to go after straight guys a lot and shoves his feelings aside-
tends to like femininity in guys a lot, just subtle features
very much likes someone who compliments his personality a lot
likes muscles,, like- well defined ones, muscle tone etc etc. enough said
piercings will make him fold twice as fast, tattoos though? folds instantly/j
in public:
ride or die. legit just ride or die.
someone talks shit about you, you dating him, or makes a rude comment/remark whatever? already going after them. you literally don't even have to ask
not very lovey-dovey in public. prefers handholding, pinkies interlocking, subtle touches, hands in each other's pockets, giving you his jacket
speaking of his jacket, he does, in fact, expect it back sorry not sorry
lots of staring- not in like- a creepy way LMAO just like- admiring from a distance yk
dates don't usually happen either sorry, will take you out if you asked or something special was happening
despite being not very lovey-dovey he is very possessive and gets jealous easily, usually the reason why he gets into fights over you (besides remarks from other people about you)
in private:
boundaries are tbh one of the first things discussed in the start of y'alls relationship, he doesn't want to fuck it up
lays out ground things, stating a lot that "hey i don't have much money so i can't buy you things" and "i don't like showing a lot of affection in public" as well as "i have a lot of mood swings and we will fight at one point, maybe even a lot"
warns you a lot that you can leave him at any time very early in the relationship
once you date for longer he'd probably let you paint his nails... if he was dead asleep LMAO
honestly though if you asked and he was whipped enough he'd probably let you paint like,, a pinkie yk. nothing else though
you can touch his hair but only with a lot of coaxing. braiding it? it's fine just take it out after. ponytail? also fine, might keep it in
man was raised with MANNERS, would never lay a hand on you (fem/neu/masc doesn't matter)
tends to have more patience with you but with his short fuse fights tend to happen often but they're never screaming matches or physical
if it does progress too far? he's driving or walking out saying he needs space and he'll come back in an hour or longer depending on what it was
flowers are rare, only for anniversaries/birthdays/etc. he is not from a high economic class, man does not have a lot of cash on him nor does his family
lots of movie dates in though, watching horror movies on purpose to see your reactions, tease you whenever you get scared
a lot more affectionate in private, more touches, hugs, etc
you will get crushed by him constantly, puts his full body weight on you. no mercy.
very cuddly, less so when manic episodes arrive but when depressive ones do? all he really wants to do is hold you and just kinda be in the silence
also early morning cuddles are indeed a thing and he WILL force you to stay 5, 10, 15, or more minutes with him. responsibilities be damned
as you get more serious he'd probably give you smaller, more personal things, as gifts. honestly probably random shit he found too that he found cool-
if the idea of kids was ever brought up he'd entertain the idea somewhat but shut it down until way later
he has lots of self-doubt so a lot of the relationship is saying "yes I still love you Vance" and "no I'm not going to leave you Vance"
he honestly appreciates you more than he can ever say, "i love you" doesn't ever seem "big" enough of a phrase to say
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ECW Magazine: February 2000
FLIGHT OF RAVEN
Raven returns to ECW roost and brood about life
By S. Connor
RAVEN RETURNED TO EXTREME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING on Aug. 26 and shook the foundation of the promotion. At the first TNN taping at Elks Lodge in Queens, N.Y., he paired with longtime nemesis Tommy Dreamer and beat The Dudley Boyz to claim the ECW world tag team title.
In the following interview, Raven talks about his days in World Championship Wrestling, his childhood and his motivation for returning to ECW.
A CHILLING CHILDHOOD
Q. WHAT KIND OF CHILDHOOD DID YOU HAVE?
A. A miserable one. No one liked me. I was very unpopular and I was staved for attention because my dad never told me he loved me. I was extremely outgoing, loud and obnoxious just to get any kind of attention.
[Raven pulls Rhino off Tommy Dreamer]
Q. DO YOU HAVE ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS?
A. I have an older sister but she had mental problems of her own. In fact she has emotional problems that are bad enough that she gets disability from the government. She also has very poor health problems, but she’s a great person.
Q. WAS THERE ANYTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO MAKE YOUR CHILDHOOD BETTER?
A. I probably could have stopped picking on her and abusing her. I was embarrassed by her problems and I took it our on her. It wasn’t her fault she was that way, which left me with even more guilt for being cruel to her because I thought she was embarrassing me. It just snowballed.
Q. DO YOU BLAME THESE PROBLEMS ON YOUR PARENTS’ LACK OF ATTENTION?
A. Yes, complete lack of attention. I also have a fragile brain chemistry to begin with. My sister is actually unipolar. She’s just depressed. I’m bipolar, I’m manic/depressive. I needed more attention than your basic kid to begin with but i got less than your average person so it was a double whammy. My parents were so wrapped up in my sister’s problems they didn’t give me any attention. I had problems just as bad as her but apparently I hid behind an armor that was thick enough and it was such a good act that nobody saw though it. But they should have seen through it. They are my parents. My I.Q. was 143 and they should have realized how special i was. If not special, then I should have been treated like any normal person. I often envied kids that at least got beat by their parents. If they got beat, at least they knew that their parents cared. Mine were indifferent. Indifference is the greatest cruelty of all.
[Unlikely tag team: Tommy Dreamer and Raven]
ABOUT RINGMANSHIP
Q. HOW IMPORTANT ARE MICROPHONE SKILLS IN WRESTLING?
A. The greatest interviews in the history of the business were Mankind’s interviews as Cactus Jack in ECW. I don’t think anyone will ever cut promos better. Like a Seinfield episode, he went all over the place, but at the end the whole story came together in a neat little bundle. Cactus was always teaching you something. Austin is tremendous. In World Championship Wrestling, as far as charisma, I’m a big fan of Kannan. He is one of the most charismatic guys ever. Rey Mysterio Jr. is one of the greatest pure athletes I’ve ever seen in my life. In ECW, Axl Rotten is absolutely remarkable. Rotten can actuallt wrestle scientifically as smoothly and as well as anybody. If he dropped 30 pounds and Paul Heyman [owner of ECW] have him a chance to really prove himself, all of a sudden you’d have a new major star.
WCW STRIKES OUT
Q. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CAREER IN WCW?
A. I was never allowed in the “big 10” of WCW. I wasn’t popular enough and I didn’t get my shot. Anybody who truly has seen my work with an unjaded and uncynical eye would probably include me in the top 10. I haven’t drawn money in the major territories because I’ve never been in the position.
Q. SOME OF YOUR GIMMICKS: SCOTTY THE BODY, JOHNNY POLO, SCOTTY FLAMINGO. WERE THEY REALLY YOU?
A. Yes they were. I’m a manic depressive! Scotty the Body was a character I created. The World Wrestling Federation gave me Johnny Polo and Dusty Rhodes gave me Scotty Flamingo - offshoots of Scotty the Body, one of my original names. I wanted to be the most flamboyant, obnoxious, abrasive, loudmouth chickens—heel I could be because I knew it would give me the attention I craved. If i didn’t get the attention at home, I wanted the adulation of strangers. I found along the way it’s no substitute, but it does to an extent alleviate some of the anguish and pain. If you talk t the boys in the WCW locker room. Konnan, Saturn or Disco Inferno would say either I am the most moody pick on the planet to the most wise ass goofy bastard you ever met.
[‘My parents were so wrapped up in my sister’s problems they never have me any attention.’]
RAVEN-DREAMER SAGA LIVES ON
SINCE RAVEN RETURNED TO EXTREME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING ON AUG. 26, HIS LEGENDARY FEUD WITH TOMMY DREAMER HAS BEEN REVIVED.
AS KIDS, THE TWO WERE BEST FRIENDS UNTIL A GIRL NAMED BEULAH CAME BETWEEN THEM. DREAMER STOLE BEULAH FROM RAVEN, EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN”T REALLY WANT HER. WHEN SHE CAME BACK INTO THEIR LIVES IN ECW, OLD HATRED BETWEEN RAVEN AND DREAMER ROSE UP AND DROVE THE TWO TO FIGHT THEIR BATTLES IN THE RING.
DESPITE THEIR HATRED, THE TWO BECAME ECW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS WHEN RAVEN RETURNED TO THE FEDERATION ON AUG. 26. THROUGHOUT SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER OF 1999, DREAMER WAS BARELY ABLE TO DEFEND THE TITLE BECAUSE OF AN INJURED BACK. RAVEN ONLY INVOLVED HIMSELF IN THE MATCHES AT THE END TO ENSURE THE TWO UNLIKELY PARTNERS KEP TTHE TITLE. HOW LONG DREAMER AND RAVEN CAN CONTINUE IN THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL MANNER IS ANY FAN’S GUESS.
SUCKING UP?
Q. WHAT WERE YOUR DAYS LIKE BEHIND THE SCENES FOR WWF?
A. When i was working for Vince McMahon [owner of the WWF] as associate producer of RAW, Vince made me put on a suit and tie. It was killing me. As soon as I was done producing, the sh-t would come off and I would put on a pair of ripped up jeans, a pair of boots, a T-shirt and leather jacket. That’s who I am. Me and Shane McMahon became really good friends. I was an original member of the Mean Street Posse, because me, Shane, Rodney and Pete Gas used to hang out all the time. I think it’s kind of amusing that Raven’s actually a Mean Street Posse member and they all dress in their ivy league clothes. Me and Shane are really close friends. I can’t say anything bad about him. We used to hang out constantly. It was funny because all of the boys would say, “You’re just sucking up to Shane so you can get over with Vince,” and it’s just the exact opposite. What would happen is I’d get total heat with Vince because I’d have Shane out all the time, back when I used to drink. I quit drinking two tyears ago. I had Shane out every night of the week partying and Vince thought I was a horrendous influence on his son.
[I’ve been to a couple psychologists.’]
BACK ON THE COUCH
Q. DID YOU EVER SEEK OUT HELP FOR YOUR PROBLEMS?
A. I’ve been to a couple psychologists. I found one phenomenal one who really helped me through my baggage. My father’s passing away recently - he was very ill so it was the best thing for him - took a lot of that baggage away. I don’t by any means glorify his death, but it enabled me to turn my life around.
Q. DESCRIBE RAVEN NOW COMPARED TO THE ONE WHO APPERED JAN. 8, 1995.
A. I came out in January 1995 as dark and as bleak and as miserable as one could possibly be. A lot of people say I left the character consume me, but what they don’t understand is it was already consuming me to begin with. I just found the forum to play it out. It was cathartic, it gave me release. By the same token, a lot of the negatives that accentuated it had a detrimental effect on me. It took a long while to work through all of that as well. What you see now is probably the most stable and happy I've ever been. Raven now is cruel, hateful and malicious, but bot as brooding and not as sullen. Fans will see a more sarcastic edge. Raven is 75 precent of the brooding bastard and 25 perfect of the glib, wise ass prick that Scotty the Body was.
FROM ECW TO WCW AND BACK AGAIN
Q. HOW DID YOU COME TO THE DECISION TO LEAVE ECW THE FIRST TIME?
A. I didn’t want to leave and to be honest, I begged Paul. I said, “Please, I don’t want to leave.” Eric Bischoff [then vice president of WCW] offered me a lot of money to go to WCW. Of course ECW’s pay scale has jumped since then, but at this time it was a very hefty contract. I begged Paul to give me half of what Bischoff offered, but he couldn’t he just didn’t have the money. I had to leave and it broke my heart. All the boys said, “You got to go.” Now that ECW is on national TV with the TNN deal, I’m like: “well, I cant let them go on national TV without me. I got to be there for it.”
Q. BUT DIDN’T BISCHOFF ASK YOU TO LEAVE WCW ON AUG. 23?
A. I didn't really have a choice. Bischoff called a meeting and said, “Raven, start working through our attorney outside. You’re not happy with the company so you can leave right now.” I said, “bye” and walked out the door. Later Eric said, “I think you should think this over, I think you should stay. What are you going to do, go work for Paul E.?” I said, ”No, I’m going to Vince.” He said, “You are not going to Vince.” I said, “You said I got a release. I would think that implies I could go wherever I want.” Eris said, “I’ll let you go to ECW but you can’t go to Vince.”
Q. HOW DO YOU GET ALONG WITH BISCHOFF NOW?
A. I like Eric a lot, I think he’s a great guy. I know there’s a lot of horror stories of how badly he treats all the wrestlers, but he’s always treated me with a lot of respect. He always made time for me.
#raven#Raven ecw#ecw#extreme championship wrestling#magazine scan#magazine transcript#this guy is so fucking gay
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Eyeless Jack x Riley (OC)
Prize 3/5 for @blackflask I hope I captured Rileys personality well enough!
Notes: This post contains a mix of hcs, romantic and platonic though a lot can be seen as either or
CWs: None
It can get a little rocky at times but that's primarily because Riley prefers to be with another person whereas Jack deeply enjoys his time alone. Though as long as the pair work on a system that works the best for them and communicate things should work out well!
Actually compromising with Jack on most things is fairly easy!
It takes a long time for a relationship to happen between you two; between Rileys past and Jack being tricked to attend a (botched) human sacrifice, there.. isnt much reason for either party to trust one another- things can get very tense in the beginning and the relationship is most likely spawned out of constantly running into one another and getting stuck in some form of situation
Both of you are fairly dry in conversations in the beginning; once more thanks to Rileys past and general demeanor and Jack becahse.. well he was never much of a talker. Even before everything he kept to himself
Jack is much more of a listener than he is a talker, so when Riley eventually opens up enough to talk about her interests for an extended period, he let's her speak for as long as she wants as long as he doesnt need to go out and do something! He offers some conversation back if he understands the topic or finds interest. But regardless of if he does or not, he remembers a lot of details no matter how small or seemingly insignificant
He appreciates her ambition and desire to succeed, though sometimes he feels Riley can be stubborn.. either she begins to push too hard, or it just seems too much to Jack in contrast to his personal drive
Which is kind of... dead, actually
If it puts Rileys health at risk Jack really puts his foot down; asides from the beginning tensions are highest at times like these
Jack keeps any and all gifts given to him, even if it's not something he can use or necessarily wants- he does appreciate the thought though! Hes just not to keen on receiving anything
You both have depressive episodes, you can both relate to one another through that.. even if Jack tends to heavily isolate himself when things get bad
On the flip side with Rileys bipolar, Jack tries to keep up with her when shes in a manic state- he keeps a close eye on her to make sure nothing bad comes of it
For the most part, you two can work well as friends and even as partners! Jack is attentive to Rileys needs and receptive to her wants and you balance one another out
The main problem though is that Riley wants to go out and fulfill her dreams, Jack is more than content with staying in his cabin and away from people.. and he's not going to budge... perhaps Riley can find fulfillment in nature away from prying eyes?
Romance time vvv
Physical affection such as cuddling takes a while for the both of you to warm up to thanks to the above mentions
Jack sometimes brings you home flowers after he goes out into the woods to do his thing, he knows nothing about arrangements though so more often than not they're just going to be a chaotic bundle
He does his best to accommodate Rileys chronic pain- granted this is a general thing rather than a romantic thing- but hes more likely to do most if not all of the heavy lifting around the home to take away any responsibilities riley has
Very pushy when making her take it easy
Tries his best to find ways to manage the pain- meds he snagged from homes, natural remedies made with anything he can find, and good old mental distractions
Dates almost always involve you both walking around the woods- sometimes you guys do some cloud watching or look at the stars
#creepypasta x reader#creepypasta x you#creepypasta imagine#eyeless jack x you#eyeless jack x reader#eyeless jack imagine#eyeless jack x oc#oc x canon
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the importance of a good diagnosis
so i was pretty sure a highly impulsive, aggressively destructive and self-aggrandizing patient was yet again psychotic secondary to substance use with an unhealthy combo of comorbid narcissism personality disorder-- he'd had 2 previous inpatient hospitalizations due to apparently psychosis secondary to cannabis consumption, and a history of entitlement, disregard for other's feelings, and an inability to handle criticism from his teenage years onward-- but my R4 was like 'hmm. no. i'm pretty sure he's bipolar.'
and my instinct was like, whaaat? he was talking clearly at the interview! at a normal pace, with moments of extreme calm that could last a couple of minutes, and yeah followed by explosive bouts of rage and anger if he disagreed with questioning, but surely that was in response to that baseline personality disorder. all that self-aggrandizing talk was true anyway, he is a pretty successful fellow in his field and did finish more levels of schooling than an average person.
but my R4 smiled at me and said, nope. this patient is experiencing a manic episode with psychotic symptoms. the previous 2 hospitalizations were surely exacerbations of the same, combined with substance use. observe!
and with the magic of magnesium valproate at 30mg/kg, the guys' manic episode started to subside within a week. his previous 2 hospitalizations he'd only had antipsychotics and a mood stabilizer at suboptimal levels, obstensively to vaguely handle his impulse control, and they'd lasted over a month each.
"not every manic episode presents as feeling excellent and fantastic and ready to take on the world, with pressured speech. sometimes the expansive affect is overshadowed by the irritability and destructive-aggressive behaviour, and the disordered speech merely manifests as circunstancial thinking and constantly interrupting the interviewer."
this isn't the first time an inpatient diagnosis starts as one thing and ends up surprise bipolar disorder all along, which is what i find so fascinating. how many folks have dealt with these genuinely life-destroying episodes where they wreck their whole life and never know why? assume it's just their personality, or their drug addition, or what have you, and they never get proper medication for their actual illness. most notorious is the intense depressions that are misdiagnosed as unipolar when they're actually bipolar, like that young lady who'd been misdiagnosed for years, assumed to simply have recurrent bouts of depression with psychotic symptoms, until my R4 was like hey, you ever had a [describes hypomanic episode], got them on a mood stabilizer, and relieved years upon years worth of residual symptoms in a couple weeks?
every day i learn new stuff. i really admire my r4. it sounds like a joke, but i wanna be like him when i grow up. i'll do my best to keep developing my clinical chops!!!
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Kinda going through it today…
You guys know I don’t normally talk about my personal life but I felt like now was as good a time as any to talk about mental health.
(TW: mentions of suicide and mental health issues, and over all depressing topics below)
Today I went to a funeral for a girl I spent a lot of time with growing up around her and her brother. My dad and her dad are best friends. I’m 31 and she was 22. She took her own life last week and it really left a hole in everyone’s heart.
I’m fine, really. I wasn’t SUPER close with her toward the end, but the memories still remain, and it pains me to think she went through something like that. I think when this sort of thing happens to someone so young it’s even more jarring, reminding us all of our own mortality. It hurt even more to see her brother and parents going through their grief. Being an older sister of three younger brothers, I just can’t bear the thought of, “what if I was in her brother’s shoes right now?”
Seeing her family go through this also really shakes up the trauma I faced just over two years ago (in 2021). My father tried to take his own life, and if not for my youngest (16 yo at the time) brother and my step mother coming home just in time, he wouldn’t be here today. My dad was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (so in a hypo manic episode he tried to take his life) and is doing fine now, but that will always be a day that I’ll never forget, because of the impact it had on me and my family.
Just a few months later, still in 2021, a man I’d known since infancy committed suicide the same way my dad attempted and needless to say, the topic of suicide really hits a nerve for me. I feel like I’m seeing it happen so often around me and it’s just weighing on me a lot having just gone to this funeral.
I’m VERY good at managing my mental health and self awareness so when I tell you I’m ok, I mean it. I’m just using this as an outlet to express myself and I appreciate anyone who’s reading still.
I’m not trying to make this girl’s death and funeral about me, because it’s not, but I wanted to remind anyone who needs to hear this that there’s always someone out there who cares even when you feel like things are hopeless. There’s always someone who will be happy you called them at 1am instead of resorting to the alternative. And there is ALWAYS someone out there who thinks about you every day, even if they don’t say it.
You’re important, valid, and loved by someone.
If any ONE of you ever needs someone to talk to, vent to, or just wants to spout nonsense about our favorite blorbos, you know how to find me.
I’m still going to keep writing today because that’s my therapy. It helps me cope with the sad thoughts and feelings. I’ve received many years of ACTUAL therapy and it’s probably saved my life, I’m sure of it. Please get professional help if you think you need it and you have the means to access it because it’s VITAL.
I swear to you all that I really am ok, I just needed a place to put my thoughts and share my feelings after a hard day.
Your favorite pics of Oscar (and Oscar characters) and thots are more than welcome in my inbox ❤️
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Not a proper Jedi
Summary: You are having a hell of a day. The last week has left you exhausted. A manic depressive episode, followed by a full day panic attack, followed by a, blessedly brief, anxiety attack has left you struggling to even attempt to person today. Your best friend finds you in your room, and decides to try and make it better.
Warnings: MINORS DNI 18+ ONLY. MENTAL ILLNESSES: Manic Depression, Severe Panic disorder, Body dysmorphic disorder. mentions of medication. Talks of suicide, briefly. Plus sized reader. Obi-Wan being sweet. Mainly fluff and angst. Lots of tears and confessions. Flashbacks. No Y/N, not a big fan of it, but endearing nicknames and one not endearing nickname is used. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU GET TRIGGERED BY MENTAL ILLNESSES, SUICIDE TALKS, OR ANYTHING OF THE LIKE.
Word Count: 1900+
A/N: This is just part one. If you would like more please let me know I haven’t been in the best head space to work on my other story, so I just wrote this up to try and get those emotions out. I hope you guys like it!
Walking into the mess hall for mid-day meal, you entered the line behind a couple of knights a year or two older than you. You grabbed your tray and followed the flow of the line, reaching for a deep-fried nuna leg. Before you could grab it, the female knight of the pair in front of you snatched it.
“I don’t really think you need anything deep-fried, do you, huttlet?” The insult stung, but you elected not to respond, and just kept moving along in the line. Next up on the line was sliced meiloorun, and again you reached for it and actually had your hand on it, but again it was snatched from you.
“It’s the last one. You don’t mind, do you? I mean, you look like you could do without the sweets, right, huttlet?” She laughed and before you could actually respond this time, she walked away, still giggling to herself and her companion. Hurt and still hungry, you went to the salad bar and grabbed one at random. Placing it on your tray, you looked around the mess hall for a place to sit.
Finding an empty table in the far back of the room, you made your way there, grabbing silverware and a glass of blue milk on the way. Sitting down in the chair that faced away from the rest of the room, you just wanted to eat and go back to training before anything else happened.
You opened the salad box, and saw you grabbed a berberian crab salad. A rarity for the kitchen to make since the Nabooian ingredients weren’t shipped to them often, and you absolutely loved it. You quickly started eating, trying to just finish and get out of there as fast as you could. Unfortunately, sitting with your back to the room and engrossed in your thoughts, you didn’t notice the small group of females gathered behind you. A mixture of knights older, same age, and younger than you stood behind you, intentions very non-Jedi like. You stood and turned to face the group surrounding you, slipping your hands into your robe pockets and flicking on your holo-recorder.
“Look at what we have here, a huttlet with a salad. Why didn’t you just skip meals today? You could stand to lose the weight, you know. A disgrace to the Order, you’re so big it’s no wonder you don’t go on off world missions. I’d be terrified the ship wouldn’t lift off the ground if I were you.” Snickers were surrounding you, making you feel boxed in. “I don’t know if you know this, but the only reason you have ‘friends’ is because they pity you. No one in their right mind would be friends with you.” She glanced at the girls behind her with a wicked grin and more snickers sounded, and you finally couldn’t take it anymore.
“I may be a bit bigger than you, but at least I don’t have the face and personality of a wet gundark.” You stood up, and as you went to walk by them the ringleader shifted and stood in front of you.
“Who do you think you are, insulting me? The council loves me. I can just tell them you told me, in confidence, that you have broken your Oath and who do you think they will believe? Me, the perfect Jedi Knight, or you, the disgusting, fat, Jedi wanna-be?” A smug look rose on her face like she had won, but you had one more thing to say to her.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe we should go do that right now, because I am sure Master Yoda would love to listen to the holo-recording I have of this interaction.” She paled and you smirked. “I suggest you leave me alone, or I will gladly turn it over. Now move out of my way, or I will make you.” You shoved through the group of stunned Knights, shoulder checking the ones who didn’t move and blocked your path. Before you fully escaped the group, her hand shot out and grabbed your wrist, gripping you a lot tighter than was necessary. Swinging around, you attempt to rip your hand out of her grip, but she was holding on too tight and it was starting to hurt. She walked a couple steps closer to get in your face.
“Don’t think this is over, you repulsive huttlet. I-,” She stopped her sentence short just as Master Mace Windu walked close.
“Hello, Dewdrop. We missed you at dinner last night. Is everything okay?” He looked at the small gathered group and noticed the young knight's hand was still latched to your wrist, and it looked like a painful hold. “Knight Verona. I strongly suggest you release your hold immediately. Physical contact without consent is assault, no matter how small, and if she so wishes, the council will hear of it.” He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, waiting. ‘Verona’ quickly dropped your arm and glared daggers at you.
You turned to Master Windu, “Thank you, Master. And I am sorry I missed dinner. It was a long night of training and then I got caught up in my meditation. By the time I resurfaced from the Force, it was well past dinner. Maybe I can make up for it and we can all meet tonight instead?” You knew it was petty. Showing off how well you knew the council in front of these hateful females, but you just wanted them to leave you alone.
“That sounds lovely, Dewdrop. Come, let us go ask the others if they would like to join as well.” He drew his hand up in the direction of the door, and you looked back at the shocked knight's faces, nodded, and swept out of the room following the master who just saved you from harm.
“Thank you, Master. I am unsure as to what started that, or where it was headed, but I thank you anyways for helping me leave it.” He smiled down at you as you walked beside him.
“Of course, the rest of the Council probably wouldn’t have been so kind.” You nodded in agreement. You and Master Windu met with the rest of the council members, with Masters Yoda, Plo Koon, Kit Fisto, Shaak Ti, Depa Billaba, and even Oppo Rancisis agreed to join you and Master Windu for dinner. The main purpose of these dinners were to check in with you, see how your medications were helping or hindering you, and letting you strengthen the ties to them in the Force to anchor you during your bad days. While attachment is forbidden, there was a special case with you.
When you were discovered, as a three year old child, to be Force-sensitive and brought to the temple you were adjusting well. As you grew in age, your power of the Force grew exponentially. When you were 14, you started showing signs of being mentally unwell after a mission went completely wrong and you master was killed, and you were held hostage, violently tortured, sexually assaulted, kept in a constant state of drugged compliance before you were rescued 29 days later.
Master Yoda himself noticed you weren't well, and walked you to the Healing Halls to meet with the chief healer, Vokara Che. After many, many sessions of talking with the grandmaster and chief healer, you were diagnosed with manic depression and severe panic disorder with both panic and anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, mind healing didn’t take these away like you had hoped, so Master Che placed you on antidepressants and antianxiety medications. You had to go to the Healing Halls every three days at first. You had shown how dedicated you were to overcoming your ailments, logging in journals every attack, every episode, and roughly how long they lasted, and you now only went twice a month.
When your visits were decreased, you were told, explicitly, that the Halls were open to you if ever you needed. Master Che also informed the council, and an informal meeting was held that night. According to Vokara, when you were in a manic episode before, she was unable to help surface you, but after many trials and errors, she broke the code and tied her signature to yours in a desperate attempt to help you from harming yourself. When informed of this, the council was shocked, some were outraged she so blatantly disregarded the code to save one person. Master Yoda had weighed in then, stating how strong you were with the Force, how having the tie to Master Che helped you have longer periods of stabilization, and he proposed a secret special case. Encourage you to form bonds with other council members, encourage the council members to have open ears if you wanted to talk, and see if this could be brought forth to the rest of the Order, and make them stronger.
So far, the arrangement has worked out wonderfully. Unless you were specifically triggered, you could go months without an episode. But when an episode hit, you were flooded with hateful thoughts, you were irrationally angry, never slept until you passed out from exhaustion, and were constantly moving. When it finally subsided, you were hit with insanely strong panic attacks, and an anxiety attack followed that. The lengths and severities always differed, but normally lasted from 5 days to a week before you were finally able to see the other side again. Luckily, you were usually able to tell when one was about to start, the Force around you normally felt unstable, shaky. If others noticed and told you, you usually played it off as nerves, and then quickly excused yourself from whatever was going on.
On your way back to your quarters, you would send word to someone on the council, whether through a holocall or a holomessage. They would inform Master Che, and then either Mace Windu or Yoda would show up to your quarters a couple hours later. They would stay in your living space and sink into the Force to exude a calm and peaceful signature, and wrap it around your entire apartment so that no matter where you were in the space, you felt the calming call from the Force. Never once when they were there did you attempt self-harm.
The times you were unable to get a message out to them before you lost yourself, you would race home and end up hiding in the corner of your bedroom. You would stare into space, frozen in place, but your mind never stopping. When the self-hating thoughts invaded you, unable to find peace, and sleep wasn’t an option, you would drag the razor along your skin. You had explained it before, though they never understood. It was a way for you to release the incessant thoughts that invaded your brain. If you didn’t contact them and they found out you had not been seen or heard from in a few hours, Masters Windu and Fisto would almost bust your door down to find you. Twice they had found you with cuts running along your arms and enough blood loss you were unconscious, but still barely alive. Once they had found you in the act, sobbing, with deep scratches running through your hair, along your temples, and down your face. You weren’t allowed to be alone for almost 3 months, and any object even marginally sharp enough to cut you wasn’t given back to you without supervision for almost a year.
#original character#obi wan x reader#obi wan kenobi#obi wan x oc#obi wan fanfiction#star wars fanfiction
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JIM DEFROQUE HEADCANONS
As requested below the cut
TW ⚠️: Bipolar mention (🪿 is not a doctor!), drug abuse mention, broken family dynamic, tell me if I’m missing anything
• Smells of suspiciously heavy cologne. So not bad but you can just tell he’s been in the locker room if you catch my drift
• This man loves the color orange, actually. It’s just a good color and whenever anyone asks why orange, he just smiles because he doesn’t know why orange.
• Diagnosed with bipolar 1. He has severe manic episodes that have lasted for up to a month, followed by either relative calmness or deep depression that also have lasted over a month. Bipolar is different for everyone!
• Along with being bipolar, Jim abuses drugs, whether or not he’s having a high or low day. Oftentimes, he’ll use when he’s having a severe depressive episode in hopes to feel that high he gets while manic
• Secretly in and out of rehab. Can’t let the church members know.
• Jim met the satanic cult when he was in his mid 20s, where he met Secondo, actually, because Secondo is a party animal.
• His actual relationship with god is…difficult, at best. Sometimes he genuinely asks for forgiveness, other times he does it for show. It’s hard to tell though.
• Has a wife named Sherry and two kids. He does care about his kids and wife, but addiction strains the family dynamic, which is why Jim often seeks intimacy elsewhere without his wife’s knowledge
• Despite all these shitty circumstances, it is completely Jim’s fault he is the way he is. He actively avoids help and cheats on his wife, and he doesn’t feel remorse until he’s sober.
• Also he’s not a little pathetic man. Yes, he knows this is his fault. Will he stop? No. Not until he either dies or gets a hard reality check.
• will 🪿 continue to love him? Absolutely. I adore him as a character, but as an actual person, he is awful.
• enough sad hc, back to happy
• He loves cats! He has 2. They’re named Lampshade and Mary (Mary is a male)
• Canonically, he listens to ghost. So in headcanons…
• when he’s not at church or a public event, he’ll often dress down, like a t-shirt and sweats. He loves being cozy, especially at home.
That’s all for now! These may change in the future depending on how I feel about them/any actual canonical lore (so around the time the ghost movie comes out will be a good time to keep an eye here)
How do you like these? I tried to not make them super angsty, but more realistic based on what I know/I’ve seen. Whether or not you see these as accurate, I hope you enjoyed reading them!
Thank you guys :)
-🪿
#ask jim defroque#jim defroque#jim defroque ghost#ghost#ghost band#ask#jesus he knows me#jesus talk#ask blog#ask box#ghost band headcanons#Jim DeFroque headcanons#Jim headcanons#TW#tw drugs#tw bipolar#trigger warning#⚠️#i’m sorry
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Screwdrivers and Cybernetic Green
Alright, finally posting a snippet for The City is Ours, yay! This is mainly character exploration for Chase, with a little bit of dynamic exploration between him and Kylee + a little bit of the rest of the team, and exploring his backstory and mental health issues. Holy shit this one got long 😅. Anyways, have Chase sad boy hours featuring the rest of the team, mainly Kylee. This takes place somewhere in Book 3 of the series, possibly late Book 2.
Word Count: 2136
Content Warnings: THIS ONE IS VERY HEAVY, PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS- discussions of poor mental health/struggles with mental health (specifically reguarding bipolar disorder, manic and depressive episodes, medications mentioned, major struggles with depression, and other struggles that accompany bipolar disorder) mentions/implications of violent ableism and police brutality towards mentally disabled people of color, mentions of mental hospitals and the abuse of patients there, mentions/implications of violent parental abuse and escaping/still being in danger of said abuse, a fuck ton of mental health issues/struggles in general, lots of feels and angst with a healthy dose of comfort, Jason is a piece of shit and we hate him, also lots of strong cussing because Chase loves his curse words
Note: This is my first time writing Bipolar Disorder, and I intended for Chase to have Bipolar 2 specifically. I did a lot of research before writing this, both educational and the personal experiences of real people with bipolar disorder, but I am no expert. I would really like the representation I write about groups I am not a part of to be as accurate as possible- so I would love some constructive feedback on what I did good and what I can improve on, if any bipolar people would like to give me some input I would very much appreciate it. Also! it's not explicit here (but it will be elsewhere in this wip) Chase is also Pansexual and Aromantic, uses He/They pronouns, American Romani, and Jewish- in case anyone new would like to know <3
TCIO Taglist: @friendlyneighborhood-writer @jessica-writes22 @rose-bookblood @yejidoesthings @space-writes @cljordan-imperium
General Taglist: @enchanted-lightning-aes @thatprolificauthor @wip-nook @writeblrsupport @outpost51 @dustylovelyrun
Nickelle walked out of her room into the kitchen/living area of the base, and found something that made her stop in her tracks.
Chase sat on the floor, surrounded by haphazardly made and sloppy projects, intensely working on a little robot that looked like an action figure, it’s head on backwards and arms falling off. His hands were shaking, and he was grinning giddily as he worked intently.
This was the third night in a row that this had happened, so she texted Asher and Bryson to have them initiate their plan.
Asher joined Nickelle a minute later, and gently said to Chase, “Hey buddy. Have you been up all night?”
“Yeah, why?” Chase asked, not taking his eyes off his project.
“No reason, no reason,” Asher said, “Um… did you take your medications last night?”
“No,” Chase said, “Why would I need them when I can make perfect machines like this, these are all amazing and I’m the best engineer there is and I don’t need drugs for that.” They set the project down, and it immediately fell apart.
He didn't even notice as he picked up his next project and ripped the head off. Then they picked up a screwdriver as Bryson came in.
Bryson went over, and placed a hand on Chase’s shoulder as V and Kylee came out to join them.
“Chase,” Bryson said, “Let’s get you some sleep.”
“Sleep?” Chase said, his eyes bloodshot and his head drooping, “I don’t need that, I’m too busy with these.” He gestured to the projects surrounding him, all sloppy and falling apart. “Aren’t they beautiful? They’re engineering masterpieces, no one can match them…”
“Yes, they are wonderful,” Asher said, “And these projects will be waiting for you when you’ve gotten some rest.”
“But you guys need me in the chair to hack stuff. I’m so good at hacking stuff, I’m the best. I’m not tired, I don’t need sleep. I’m the hacker, the tech guy.”
“You are, you’re the best hacker and tech we have,” Nickelle said, “But we’re not doing any of that today.”
Chase’s expression turned down, and his shoulders slumped as he came crashing down from the high for the first time in days. “But I can’t, I can’t sleep. Not that it matters, nothing matters. And I’m not good at anything and I’m an imposter and a terrible worthless person and I don’t deserve sleep anyway-” He sucked in a breath and hugged himself.
“We can help you with sleeping, and don’t forget you’re a valuable member of our team,” Bryson said, “Do you have clean pajamas to change into?”
Chase nodded, and let Bryson help him up.
“Ok, go take a warm shower,” Bryson instructed, “It will help you relax, then change into clean clothes and take your medications. And if you need, there’s more we can do to help you sleep.”
“Ok,” Chase said softly, clenching his hands in fists, “I’m sorry- I’m sorry- I’m stupid- I’m-”
“No,” Bryson said gently, “No you’re not. You’re one of the smartest people I know. And even if you weren’t, you’re my friend, and I care about you.”
Asher went to his other side and placed a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not your fault, now let’s get you some sleep.”
After Chase took a shower, taken his medications, and changed into clean sweats, they put on one of his favorite movies and settled on the couch with him.
It wasn't long before Chase was fast alseep, wrapped up in a blanket with his head on V's shoulder.
~~~
“What the fuck did you just say?” Chase asked, his voice dangerously low.
The room quickly went dead silent as he looked up and glared lasers at Jason.
Jason scoffed, “You don’t get to be an asshole, just because you have a mom that doesn’t love you, that’s not an excuse-”
Chase slammed down his drink on the coffee table, splashing the liquid a little. He stood up abruptly, and the others scrambled out of the way as they stormed over and grabbed Jason by the collar.
“You don’t get to say shit about my mom, Richens. You understand?”
Jason put on a not very convincing brave face and spluttered, “I was just-”
“No,” Chase growled, “You can say whatever offensive thing you want to me, and it doesn’t hurt more than what I’ve had to deal with my whole life.” His voice got dangerously soft and even again. “But you do not get to say shit about my mother. You know why?”
Jason looked to the others for help, and they looked everywhere but him, not saying a word. “Um… why?”
“Because you will never understand that my mom tried to love me. She really did. You will never understand what she went through to get me as far away as possible from my sperm donor. You will never understand what she went through to try and keep me and stay with me, despite how she was not in a good place financially, and despite how having me triggered much worse and longer depressive episodes and she could barely care for me. You will never understand how it was in vain because even with her mom’s help, she ended up getting sent to a psych ward where she's treated like shit when I was four, and hasn’t left since.”
Chase’s voice got dangerously even. “You, asshole, will never understand what it’s like to have a mother who did so much for you to get at least a decent life, and only get to see her once. And when you do, she’s so far gone she doesn’t remember anything or recognize you. You will never understand what it’s like to inherit those disorders from her, that she inherited from her father who drove his car off a cliff, and have to live with the fact you might end up with a similar fate- crashing my car to take my own life or lifetime in a mental hospital where I won't get basic human decency.”
They let go of the shirt, and Jason let out a breath but didn’t move- frozen under Chase's icy glare.
“My mother tried to love me. She really did. It’s not her fault that she ended up with the conditions she did, that her dad killed himself when she was a teenager, and then an awful man that took advantage of her vulnerability. And it’s sure as hell not her fault that she got sent to a psych ward before I was barely old enough to form any memories about her.
So you don’t get to tell me that she didn’t love me. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe she did but only a little. Maybe did love me a lot, once, but doesn’t remember enough to love me anymore. But I do know that she did everything she could because I was just a baby, and she’s my mom and she didn’t want someone else to end up with her fate. However much she loves me, is of absolutely no concern to you- don’t speak of my mother ever again, do you understand?”
Jason nodded, staring in slight terror.
“Good,” Chase said. They grabbed their drink off the table, and then disappeared into his room.
Several minutes later, Kylee knocked on the door with her signature knock, and Chase said gruffly, “You can come in Ky’.”
She entered his room. It was dark other than the light from his computer screen and a desk lamp. Clothes and empty soda cans were strewn about the room, blankets and pillows thrown haphazardly on the bed where he sat cross legged with his laptop.
Kylee gestured to a spot next to him, and he gave a short nod. She pulled out her phone, and typed on the screen, “Are you ok?”
“I’m… fine now, I guess,” Chase said with a sigh, “I just- I’ve never talked about that before. Not to anyone but Nãni, and even then it was only a bit when I was younger, after…”
A flash drive was plugged into his computer, and he was clicking through photos. They were of a much younger boy that looked like him- with medium brown skin, and a sloped and round nose, though the boy's hair was much curlier than Chase's- and an older woman with similar features. One of the photos however, instead of the two people from before, was of a woman with very dark, long, and curly hair, a big round and sloped nose, and dark brown skin. She had a neutral expression, and in her arms was a baby that looked like her bundled up in a white blanket. They stopped on that photo.
He said softly, “I do have one memory of her, before they took her away…”
Kylee pulled their knees up to her chest, and lightly rocked as she listened.
“She took me to see robot fights, because I saw them on TV once and thought it was cool as fuck, so she got tickets for us to go see a tournament live.” A small and sad smile appeared on their face. “We got uh- tacos, at a taco stand on the way home.”
He bit his lip as tears glistened in his eyes. “A few days later, she had a psychotic episode, the neighbor reported it, the police came, they decided she wasn’t fit to care for a child even with Nãni’s help, and…” Their breathing shuttered. “The cops yelled at her- there was so much yelling- , used much more force than necessary, and then one pulled out his gun- Nãni convinced him to put it away because I was there. One even called us some slurs, though I didn't know what they meant at the time.”
After a minute he said quietly, “I don’t remember much actually, most I know of what that happened that night is what Nãni told me. I just remember yelling, so much yelling and it was loud, and my mom… begging to stay with me. She- she thought my piece of shit dad there and that he was going to take me away and hurt me.
I don’t know a lot about my father actually, my mom didn’t tell Nãni much about him, and my mom didn’t tell me anything other than I wasn’t safe with him, and Nãni told me most of what she knows. All I know is it was bad enough that my mom risked a lot to leave with me, and that I have to be careful to make sure that he can’t find me.”
After a beat of silence, Chase continued, “The cops dragged her out of the house… they used more racist slurs on top of all that too… I cried for hours and didn’t sleep at all that night- at least that's what Nãni says.”
Kylee typed on something on her phone and held it up. “You saw her once after that?”
Chase nodded, wiping away tears with the back of his sleeve. “I was eleven, in middle school, in the top of my math and science classes. I’d even made a few friends in robotics club.” They swallowed harshly, pressing his hand to his mouth for a moment.
“The um, mental hospital was cold and white all over, and the doctors there didn’t care, you could tell. Nãni had to fight tooth and nail to get them and the courts to let me see her. When I went in two of the nurses followed with a security guard. She was-” They sniffed, pulling his sleeve over his hands and holding it to their mouth as tears flowed freely now.
Chase continued in a croaked voice, “There was some furniture in there other than the bed but it was all round and smooth surfaces. Even the handles and lights. My mom was sitting on the bed, staring out the window. She didn’t recognize me, or remember anything that happened. She was mostly gone at that point.”
He smiled a bit. “I did end up hacking into the cameras of that place though, idiots didn’t even notice or realize.” His smile fell. “I stopped after I saw her psychotic episodes…. she’d see my dad taking me away and they would use a lot of force until they could put her under. Then she’d wake up and forget again…”
Kylee typed something, then backspaced and typed something else. “Question.”
Chase shrugged. “Shoot.”
“If bipolar disorder is inherited, and it comes with psychotic episodes, does that mean you get them like she does?”
“I… haven’t had any psychotic episodes yet, but, um… My psychiatrist thinks that I may get them when I’m older, like my mom and grandpa. We’ll see when we get there I guess, and we might add another medication to my already long list of meds I need to take.”
“A psychotic episode is like hallucinations, right?”
“It can include hallucinations, but psychosis itself is more like… disconnect from reality, and you don’t even realize it. I can be pretty dangerous, especially if you’re with a person who may want to hurt you, or if you end up hurting yourself.”
He took a deep, shuddering breath. “It honestly scares me that I’ll get an episode for the first time while I’m alone or with a person who doesn’t care what happens to me. Or worse they’ll hurt me, or call the police and have me thrown in a-”
He squeezed his eyes shut, clenching his fist.
Kylee leaned her head on their shoulder, and they sat in silence for a long time.
#writeblr#creative writing#writing#original writing#my writing#amwriting#am writing#writing snippets#writer#writers#disabled writers#queer writers#female writers#cw ableism#cw police brutality#cw implied abuse#cw implied racism#cw violent ableism#(most of these content warnings are implied or mentioned#)#writblr#writerblr#writers life#writers society#writers of tumblr#writers on tumblr#story writing#oc: chase#wip: the city is ours#oc: kylee
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My 29yr Old Life
So yesterday was a doozy. I had a lot going on (which is why I didn't post) but at least I got the boy to school. I was doing a lot with my morning and in my afternoon. I had 2 job interviews and I got both jobs! It is so sad in this day and age, even with a degree I still have to work multiple jobs in order to survive with my children. Heck in order to survive as a single person in general. Today I am feeling sort of optimistic. I think my mania has subsided which is a good thing. Oh yeah guys I forgot to tell you all I am bipolar. So on top of all my regular problems, I have to deal with this on a regular. And if you didn't know what that looks like imagine the feeling of when you're with your best friends enjoying a night out and you're like super happy and amped. Then imagine if you came home that night and discovered that your cat died and you don't know what to do with your feelings and you get depressed. That's kind of a window of it. I am no doctor and I am just explaining how my hypomania and my manic episodes feel. You can't take anything I say on here to heart because it is just me posting my feelings and being vulnerable.
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Honestly, I am having sort of an existential romance crisis because I am almost 30 and not married. I really would like to settle down but I know sometimes what I have going on with myself hinders me. I know I am not anyone's ideal type. Usually the people I go for (whether attractive to society or not) tend to curve me because I am ugly. I don't understand how people would rather be with a "pretty" person who has no sense of self or knows how to actually carry a conversation. But that is what the world wants. I am 5'3 220lbs and a mother of 2 so I GET IT. I am undesirable No. 1. But I am also a college graduate, Social Worker, have a house, can have an intellectual conversation, and I am like REALLY fun to be around. I'm like a social butterfly magnet because people flock to me LOL. I guess I am not to look and rather let it come to me. Anyways that's all for today.
YIKES!! That was all over the place huh? I guess so. Til Tomorrow friends.
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Watching Con O'Neill's Filmography: 'Telstar: the Joe Meek movie'
This movie needs Warnings for: Murder, graphic and accurate depictions of Suicide, depictions of depressive episodes, psychotic-of-body episodes, assault, manic moods, some nudity(nothing below the waist), semi depicted sex. Mentions of hate crimes, entrapment from a police officer, homophobic language, period-accurate (1960's England) homophobia, outing.
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Con is a fucking genius, and yeah, I'm glad I waited until I was out of a bad headspace to watch this. I was finally pushed after listening to a podcast where he talks about his experience filming the movie. It reassured a lot of the hesitancy I had and made me appreciate how he must have made this.
Every actor kills it, and yeah, a few unfortunate actors are in this but play a small enough roll it shouldn't matter. Go in fully informed about triggers and how to keep yourself safe.
(SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT)
God, the fact that everyone went on to either disappear or revolutionize pop and rock music is so fucking depressing. The whole 'what happens to musicians' line just came true.
The movie never covered how much debt he owed, but god. The 3 million given a few months after his death just might have paid off. If he'd just stayed around for a bit longer, he might have built a better support system with people who could call his bullshit out.
As for the romance, god. You get that Joe Meek tended to attach himself to anyone who would listen. In the interview that made me watch the movie, Con said he'd listened to all this guy's work and a ton of it was puppy love-based music.
The guy who chose him just so happened to be young and unwilling to sacrifice his career for possibly being associated with him. Starting fresh and keeping Joe close as a 'friend' in the eyes of the public. Both members of the shitty relationship here are at fault for poor communication and abuse. But god, it just aches. I read it as a kid who slept with someone powerful and got too close. The lonely target is too willing to be taken advantage of for a taste of companionship.
If Joe had people around him who worked like he did maybe he could have had other influences. All the people in his life relied on his music to make money, and once he started to fall behind. Once society moved on, it was already too late. Just to survive everyone else had to move on.
The fading motif is amazing.
That moment Heinz goes to go back into the car, and the audience expects him to fade away, but Meek reaches out and grabs his hand in public. Desperate to keep him here since everyone else was leaving around him. Just fucking killed me.
The tragedy is knowing that if he'd just listened to the world around him. Stopped trying to make songs that worked in the 50s in the new era of the 60s, he could have survived. Everyone else saw this, but Meek just couldn't see it.
Other artists of the 50's era also had this split, which was why pop/rock was predominately younger, giving the new genera a shot.
Modern mental health specialists suspect real-life Meek of having schizophrenia and bipolar disorder with 'psychotic rages'. Con does play him like this, and it's so fucking refreshing.
I have both been diagnosed with BPD, and have schizophrenia-like symptoms from major depressive disorder, and yeah, a few scenes really hit home. It can feel like you are alone, being shoved into a corner. Hating yourself and not understanding why everyone hates you.
When in reality, much like Joe does in the movie, you are causing pain in the life of those around you. Sometimes people need to leave your life for a bit, and you don't get why. You don't realize how rude or mean you are in the moment. There are other things, but this is a general list of my initial thoughts.
Of course, a mentally ill person isn't just their illness. They never are, Joe also has a personality. Con plays a Joe Meek that is so desperate to be loved and accepted. He wants the things everyone else gets to have, success, money, and top hits without seeing how others around him could helm. His only want in life is a success; he never thought he'd get to love. His pride causes his downfall; it's never just his fault when things go wrong.
He'll have screaming scenes and be spitting and angry. In seconds he'll be sad Con O'Neill once again, portraying a sad broken man, with a smile and tears in his eyes, and AHH. I'm excited to rewatch this movie.
I feel for the landlady and Patrick. We don't know what really happened, obviously, but if that's how things ended...shit.
The cinematography is amazing, besides some bits that are very of its age. It feels era-appropriate. I'm excited to go do research about the inaccuracies. I want to look into if, after the outing, Joe started to really spiral. What the before and after were like.
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(This bit was added a bit after watching. This was the first Con movie I'd watched, so I didn't have this rating scale like his other works)
Con: Fucking 10/10. Joe obviously isn't my favorite Con character, but it might just be my favorite performance. Knowing that he was stage Joe, and was chosen to be Joe in the movie. Even if his name wouldn't fill seats at the time, was the right choice. Even though this is in a mid-late era compared to other things I watch in this series, it feels like a masterclass in acting. We get to see every shade of emotion Con is able to produce and it has heavily influenced how I appreciate him as an actor.
Everyone accept Con: 8-9/10. I can't think of any actors being awful and I couldn't find too many reports of inaccuracies from real-life people about their screen counterparts.
Editing: 8/10. Semi stuck in the era it came out in. There were a few scenes that felt a bit stuck in 2008, but other than that. The music choices, fun montages, and hard cuts were smooth and helped the story along. I personally love the cuts where we see future/present Joe having his breakdown, then showing exactly how Joe got to this headspace.
Music: Stellar. I personally can't stand a ton of music from this era, but god, the movie made everything feel so fresh. I knew where half of these bands ended up, and still, it felt new and exciting to see their start.
Overall: Personally a 10/10. I fucking love this movie, as a depiction of some of the struggles I've worked very hard to work on. Seeing a character you go from disliking to empathizing with. Would I recommend it to anyone? God no. You really need to evaluate just how heavily the warnings I gave above will be an issue. (If you've read this, haven't watched it, and want to ask about warnings, don't be afraid to message me)
Do I enjoy it mainly for Con? Maybe, but given that he's the character on screen for 70% of the movie I don't feel like that's a wrong 'bias' to have.
#con o'neill#telstar#telstar: the joe meek movie#telstar the joe meek movie#con oneill#Con's Conography
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Hi, would you mind clarifying on your “you have a cop living in your head” post? I’m not entirely sure what it’s referring to
this is the post, for anyone who hasn't seen it
I clarified a little in the second ask here (first one is for context)
and I've made literally countless posts about this, but I don't got every link to hand because most of them are quite old, since shit lately hasn't exactly been prime "make a big long essay" feelings
there's a post somewhere, from back when the kanye/alex jones started, and I criticised the "I'm bipolar and I don't do that, so it's clearly him being Transcendentally Bad and not symptoms", as if nobody has ever gone off the fucking rails in a manic episode, lol
there's also some rants about it specifically regarding the "call all youtuber out for everything all the time and harass them, keep it escalating and escalating, demand whatever you want and when that's done, demand more" attitude people have, how egotistical thinking you're judge, jury, and executioner is, how it hinders the actual act of growth, etc. and I've said the same about prison, or vigilante justice, or so forth. as I said recently in a reblog of this:
really "it doesn't help the victim in any tangible sense to balance imaginary moral scales by causing more harm, the victim needs mental/social help, as does the perpetrator", it only hurts more.
you are not their personal mental health expert. you are not their doctor. you are not their therapist. it's just not your job to involve yourself in their growth or demand they do it your way. some ass hurt your feelings online, grow up, block them, leave it alone. the simple fact is that harassing people helps nobody, it's just smug superiority complex bullshit. and while you can have standards if friends/family upset you for when you'll forgive them, that is not morally binding, they don't owe you those things, they owe you a fucking big fat nothing, there is no karma debt to be repaid, and wishing suffering upon them to repay it is a dick move. so that is generally my stance, oversimplified somewhat to make it easier.
then re that post specifically, I saw someone talking about being completely in the throws of a mental breakdown, for depression, upsetting people around you, getting help, and that not being an adequate "fix", in fact there's no "fix", and the guilt should just be eternal from the sounds of things. that's depression. ever-lasting guilt is actually a manifestation of depression. you are not doing literally anything to help depressed people if you tell them to feel things like that forever. they preach about accountability, all this flowery bullshit about owning up to things, about not using such illnesses as an excuse, about how they're ill but they don't do the things someone else did- it's a progressive way of saying the old bootstraps bullshit, with an added dose of catholic guilt, and the rozzers living inside your skull. you're policing yourself to absurd degrees. you're using it to justify the unhealthy and cruel things.
frankly, you will do bad things sometimes because you're human people, and you'll do them because of mental health issues, and there's no fucking way you should endure endless guilt, because some edgy alt chick pretending to be a goth wants a progressive excuse to be a bitchy bully, or some braindead guy wants to look smart on the youtubes and win twitter's favour. those sentences mean nothing, they're excuses to hold things over people- a way people put words in your mouth, pretending that daring to start explaining yourself without bending over to get fucked up first is actually you "refusing to take accountability", from the authority they've decided they have to dish it out. it's egotistical jargon. or simply a cop living in their head. just because you don't do those things, your symptoms don't manifest like that, you respond in a different way to those circumstances, etc, doesn't mean another person is Fundamentally Evil, bodies respond differently to stuff. there's no reason to believe your experiences are universal. but it especially isn't very fucking leftist to call people intrinsically evil.
accountability culture is just people, who understand the prison industrial complex is wrong, being unable to understand that it's given them propaganda brainworms that they need to unpack, a problem with their worldview, and instead they've clung onto all these warped perceptions and tried to stuff them into a new shit worldview, that hyperfocuses on overly-moralising, and whether somebody is a victim or a perpetrator, black and white, and it all comes packaged with a perfect excuse to be this sanctimonious bully, to boost your own ego, and to judge others. it's fucked up.
that's why it's a cop in your head, it's literally coming from them.
#this is very messily worded#and like this isn't anti-criticism#you can bitch about stuff you don't like I do it all the damn time#but once you start with this preachy harassing bullshit you suck
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