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americanphancakes · 11 months

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I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

#long post #me irl #i'm sure i had a tag for original posts but i dont' know wtf it was #it's been awhile #I'm too damn old to already have so many regrets #i'm mourning a lot of goals i had once that are no longer options #or even things i'm not as interested in doing anymore #like i'm still sad i didn't do them in the first place even tho i don't wanna do them now #but some stuff i really do want to do #and i hope to regrow my childhood will power soon enough that i can do them #cuz yeah there is a proper midlife crisis going on now #i am halfway to death if i'm lucky #and my life has never been my own #so i'm trying to seize it back but it is really hard to do #I feel like tumblr is the only site that would know where this post is coming from #anywhere else i know it'd just be seen as a sob story excuse or something #i mostly just wanted anyone who's been an abuse victim in a similar way to realize that that's what it is #because i resisted accepting it for so long #and it cost me so much time

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literaticat · 2 years

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Would you please rank the following categories in order from easiest to hardest to sell in today's marketplace? Board books, fiction picture books, nonfiction picture books, early readers, chapter books, graphic novels, middle grade, young adult. Thanks!

No :-)

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I was going to leave it at that, but I can't resist keeping on typing I guess, so here's WHY: It depends! On the book! A board book that is absolutely phenomenal is obviously a heck of a lot easier to sell than a sucky graphic novel! A killer YA book is easier to sell than a just-OK picture book! A middle grade that exactly hits an editor's wish-list on the head and makes them stay up all night reading is easier to sell than a middle grade that is terrific but doesn't fit in with what they need for their list! And so on, and so forth.

There is always a market for Awesome!

ALL BOOKS ARE HARD TO SELL. It's about how much promise that particular editor feels that individual ms has + timing + luck, honestly.

And there are editors who specialize in every kind of book -- so for me, I just don't think about it in terms of categories; To me, it's about matching WHATEVER that ms is with the editor who both publishes that kind of ms and who I think/hope will love it, and hoping that sparks fly.

My point is -- I would never tell ANYONE categorically NOT to write something they were passionate about. Just because some other people didn't sell their [whatever-kind-of-book] doesn't automatically mean YOURS won't sell, if yours is awesome, it gets in front of the right editors, and the timing + luck are there.

So fine, I'll do your cursed "ranked list" -- but just so you know -- again -- though ALL of these things are hard to sell actually (enough so that I could think of reasons why ALL the categories should be in the bottom)... also, ALL of these things are selling, when the book + editor + timing + luck is right. Just look at Publishers Marketplace or PW deals. They are happening in every category every week. I myself have sold in all these categories this year, last year, and every year, and I know for a fact that lots of other agents have, too, because books in all these categories keep coming out, so SOMEBODY is buying them!

Anyway.

PB = A great PB is really hard to write. REALLY HARD. Even seasoned authors stumble trying. So, do I sell a lot of PB? Yes. Do authors write A HELL OF A LOT MORE than I could possibly sell? Yep. Additionally, this is what our inboxes are absolutely bursting with - there is a lot of competition out there.

Graphic Novels = they are certainly having a moment, but ALSO, there are *A LOT* coming out in the next couple of years. Like, a LOT a lot. So the pipeline is pretty full.

MG = MG is selling, but editors inboxes are also flooded with them, so. . . getting them actually READ is a problem, and editors are (of course) super picky.

Chapter Books = It has to be a series, and it has to be breaking some kind of new ground and/or super-high-concept hooky and/or just IRRESISTIBLY FUN, both as an individual first book AND as a series concept.

Nonfiction PB = I mean, if it is phenomenal, about something totally fascinating, and there aren't already 50 books about it. Maybe! Unless it's a PB bio, in which case may editors will dismiss out of hand, they are way over-acquired. Unless it's something they NEED to have.

YA = the market is soft. But if it is simply *irresistible* with just like a killer premise and great writing, sure.

Early Readers & Board Books = These are kinda tough because the P&L is wonky, because they have to be priced very inexpensively to sell in bookstores (and board books / novelty books are QUITE expensive to produce) -- so they have to sell A LOT of copies to make money. Editors are therefore quite choosy about taking them on, for obvious reasons, and the advances are typically lower than for other kinds of books.

(That being said -- as long as you know these facts, you won't be surprised. And NONE of that information means you won't be able to sell yours.)

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theteashespills · 9 days

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I’ve always hated soft kisses because why are you grazing my face with saliva, weird but I more so hate soft kisses followed by the reminisce of Korean food breath followed behind them. That’s how the last thirty minutes of my Thursday night date went. Do I have a man, mhm kind of but from time to time I take people on their first dates because one, I love fine cuisine experiences and two I am genuinely trying to find my husband isn’t that kind of crazy, but I guess not to me. Since the year started I average about 1 date a month and I have enjoyed what they have offered except for the first one. So this date in particular was yesterday, after I left a video shoot I was working with someone who also works in the same industry as me. I’m not going to lie he wasn’t the cutest but we had a really good conversation about three years back and ever since then I was intrigued. So he slid in my DMs a few weeks back and I, still intrigued, pushed hard to get that number. I’m also very big on not dating in my industry because things are bound to go left for you if you become an oversaturated commodity.

We met up in this nice place on the Eastside of Atlanta, the restaurant was called Gaja, it was a cute Korean spot that looks like a warehouse or studio from the outside but when you go in it has an eclectic urban vibe, we were seated immediately, and the service was decent. The food came out in a decent time as well and it was really, really good. I work at a Korean restaurant myself and I would honestly say I’d choose this one over mine. I ordered the Korean fried chicken and the lettuce and mushroom wrap combo, with a cocktail, called Country Love. The chicken was not what my taste buds were expecting but still it was delicious, the mushroom was super tough, and kind of embarrassing to eat on a date because it gets messy, you really have to eat it in one bite but it was my favorite. The cocktail was not that good, like it tasted like something I shouldn’t have ingested. Nonetheless the food was good.

The date started out so fun and so cute. I'm always wowed when men take me out and proud to say I’ve never gone to the same place twice. I’ll go anywhere with the men that court me except to a lounge, I used to work at one so I never want that to be the vibe especially now that I am a little older. I was impressed by his taste in food and I liked his outfit. We are both pretty busy people right now, with our careers in an upward spiral. We were taking calls and sending text messages, but after that we really enjoyed each other. The basis of our conversation involved our professions but I enjoyed myself because this is my passion and I could talk for hours and hours. We sat there talking about our backgrounds and our passion together and I thought to myself “A lil funny looking but I could possibly get used to this because it’s enjoyable”. I love a man who can hold a conversation because nowadays that is rare and not just men, anyone. Our time at the restaurant comes to a close and suddenly, I still want to hang out more and then he poses the question “ You still want to hang out”, I say yes and he walks me to his car. I am nothing short of materialistic ok, he walks me to this E Class Mercedes and is like hop in, I’m thinking could this be a winner? He sparks up his J that he has with him and we begin to smoke, he sends me his address and drops me off at my car. I am curious about what I’m walking into.

I take the drive from the restaurant to his house and y’all this man stays with his parents. I personally have passed that phase in my life. I believe and know that times are hard and I even stay with my parents, but for any man I’m dealing with these are not the circumstances I want to live under. I want to be with someone who has their own, so this date was taken from a 9 to a 7 real quick. He guides me up to his room and I am intrigued, it’s surprisingly so cozy and I automatically feel a very warm feeling. I plop myself down on his bed and start doing work immediately, I start to feel rude about 15 minutes in so I close my laptop and start to watch the movie of his choice “Scott Pilgrim”. About 15 minutes into that, he says “come here”, I come because the least I could do is cuddle with the man who just treated me to dinner. A few minutes later I feel soft kisses on my neck, “Oh Brother this guy stinks”. I'm continuously rolling my eyes and eventually I just give him the sign I’m not feeling it. Not only are we in your mom’s house but we also just went on our first date and the conversation nor body language gave that I wanted to hook up with him, on top of all this as I type I still don’t even know his name guys. I told him I had to leave at 11:30 which I did. I had to go see my man who’s not my man, we had a date to watch BMF and plus I was going to bring my leftovers back home to him. The remaining 20 minutes after I refuse his advances are agony like can I just go right now actually, I hate being in uncomfortable, compromising situations.

I get back to my side of town around 12 and I met up with my ex around 12:40, and exactly what I said I was going to do I did, we watched BMF and he ate my leftovers. I hope I have better luck next month. I'd say this is maybe the 8th date I’ve been on since last April where that man will not be seeing me again unless in passing. The dating pool is not cooked but men don’t have boundaries and they don’t read body language well. I feel like it was easier when I was younger and the men were more respectful and patient, why are we working in reverse? Are the men not looking for a wife either? Either way it goes I will not give up on dating but damnnnnn.

#dating chronicles #20 something #lifestyle

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tetsuwan-atom · 9 months

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SHIPPING INFO //ANSWER THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR MUSES SO PEOPLE KNOW HOW SHIPPING WORKS ON YOUR BLOG.

WHAT IS YOUR OTP FOR YOUR CHARACTER(S)? Legit I could not name just one. There is in fact, quite a few.

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE? In terms of legit ‘age gap’, it really doesn’t matter, whether it’s 20, 50, 100, a thousand, more, doesn’t worry me at all. PHYSICALLY tho, if one looks like a child, that’s an automatic no. Will not happen.

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED NSFW? Listen my definition of ‘steamy’ will, highly likely, slip into NSFW territory. There is a difference between ‘intimate’ and ‘steamy’/’passionate’. Muse wise it’s veeeery easy to get Bowen in the mood.

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING? Back in the day I used to loooove shipping all the time. I still do these days, but it’s not something I fawn over as much as before. There is SOME sort of selectivity in shipping, things like chemistry, story progression, etc, but for the most part I can be pretty easy when it comes to shipping.

WHO ARE OTHER CHARACTERS YOU SHIP YOUR CHARACTER WITH? I could literally name so many. The amount of ships I’ve had with Chaos ( @liroyalty / @vixlenxe ) spans YEARS. There’s also Bowen with Souji/Sakura at @akumanoken and how incredibly sweet they are. There’s also the ships with Datura’s muses at @wanderlust-songbird and the different dynamics with Vega, Betelgeuse, etc. I DEFINITELY have to mention Dead Master @green-x-reaper because honestly her and Bowen are such a unique couple and I love them to bits. I’m very keen to see more with Arya @puelluna too! Legit I could name soooo many it could go on for such a long post!

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU? Not necessarily, sometimes the chemistry is seen by both of us that the ship naturally develops on it’s own, but it doesn’t hurt at all to send me a DM and plot it out, so by all means if you are interested in a ship and want to talk to me about it, send me a message!

ARE YOU SHIP-OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE-OR-LESS? Used to be obsessive, but it’s more a ‘more or less’ thing now. I don’t RP solely for the shipping, I love doing things like epic adventure threads, things I used to do back in the day.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM? Ahh yes, how to ship in a canon that you created yourself. Legit there’s only one canon ship and I don’t know if I’ll ever write it here. LOL

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU? Bowen is so easy to ship with ngl. Affection, compliments. Getting Bowen’s attention can be a cakewalk.. and spending more time with him and getting to know him more will help things greatly in the long run!

Tagged by : @green-x-reaper - Thanks!

Tagging : Anyone who wants to do this!

#Dash Games : Piling Paperwork #OOC : KFC CHICKEN BUCKET

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santajp · 11 months

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Hey random question!! I've been following your blog, and really have been liking your photography! How did you get so good? Like, I know part of photography is right place and time, but you just make everything look beautiful?? Honestly excited to see more! Please keep takin pictures! Also, did you know there's another name for a portrait photo? When the subject is you, it's called beauty! No matter the angle or lighting.

Awww! Thanks for liking the photos and shooting a question! X3

As for how I got so good, I was far from born with anything. I had to learn all this stuff, but I'd say a big thing that helped me wanna learn more was a photographer who was way older than me and much more experienced giving me a personal moment to see him in action. Now I personally had already done photography with my phone and had only recently gotten a bigger camera (*a phone is a fine starting point since many basic ideas of a good photo are the same no matter what you use), but a quote that will always stick with me was, "You are smarter than the camera." In a basic sense, he meant to stop using all the automatic features and really get to know the ins and outs of the tool you used, but in a grander sense, it made me finally get what taking a photo was, less of the camera doing it for me and more of me trying to capture the world in my own way and through things I cared about.

From there I learned how to change the lighting and posing of my photos alongside what made a photo stand out and be pretty, by school classes and many, many photos that were not good enough. Much of my subjects for photos were things I found pretty anyway, which made the job change to capturing that. I wanted to pose my toy bear in funny situations, bring my camera on any nature walk I could take, snap shots of any city, and try to capture anything I found value in. I've ran outside when many others were simply doing their usual lives, myself going crazy in a parking lot over how great the sky looked after my last class, almost baffled at how you could just not look at it, or taken walks for no other reason than to get more photos. I have pictures of my friends, even if I don't speak much to them anymore, family I rarely see, pets I have lost, and so many things from all the places I've been to. ( All of these photos are saved in multiple places by the way! Be safe with your backups! >:] )

So, to answer your question in a long and sappy way, the main way I got good was through others and by simply living with my camera by my side. There are most certainly technical things, and you must practice, but that finding of meaning is the biggest aspect of doing any kind of art I've found.

I can draw, but only if I've seen others that inspire or a world which gives the process of doing so meaning. I can learn more along the way of drawing my OCs a million times too!

I can play a song, but only if the notes make me hear a depth that can simply be to please the ears or make me dance or laugh. I'm not a Vylet Pony level artist, but I sure as hell am not gonna stop learning music from a lack of current skill beacuse I have too many songs I love that make me wanna make one too.

And I can write, but only if what I'm writing gives me the motivation to put my thoughts into words, gives me the want to make more for myself rather than force my mind to for a grade. Then I also can only write seeing how others put their thoughts into words, how they give out their own feelings through these weird mixings of letters. Like this whole ass post for example (lol), I write when I care about what I'm trying to say and getting it out to others from my weird brain.

For any kind of art, the thing that stands out is love and passion. There are so many ways to show and do it, no matter what anyone says, but if you love the art, I trust you'll be fine. Furthermore, live a little! Use your life in what you create, and if one thing doesn't work out, switch gears and keep on running! I doubted my photos many times, and I still do way too much, but whenever that happens, I just keep living until I see a flower that is too good to miss, and then I am back on the horse by leaning down with my camera ready. Is it being stubborn? Oh absolutely, but is it how I got this far? Yes, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Lastly, your portrait photo definition is a tad bit off. Though I like the spirit, and it is absolutely right. Just remember it has two definitions rather than only one, but don't worry. All you need to do for the second one is change that 'you' to a 'me', beacuse acting as if you aren't beautiful is lying to the world.

#vent #personal

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headcanonrepository · 1 year

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Thoughts on Final Fantasy XII

I've been replaying Final Fantasy XII lately. I say replaying - I never actually finished it the first time around, yet have proudly denounced it as my least favourite entry in the series for years. But I decided that to be fair to that, I should actually finish the game, so I picked up Zodiac Age for cheap with the idea that I can show my wife exactly why I rate it so little. Definitely a 'get drunk and bitch about it' kind of idea. (So uh, sorry if this is your favourite game, but this is a pretty negative post, just FYI)

My original criticisms still hold up, for the most part. Vaan makes no sense as the main character - aside from stealing the first stone at the beginning of the game, his impact on the actual plot is nonexistent. The plot is something that happens around him, not something he drives and impacts. In fact, apart from Ashe and Balthier, it's really difficult to justify anyone's connection to the plot.

Compounding this is that no one ever really talks to each other or comments on the situations they are in. There are a few cutscenes, brief and far between, but for the most part, there's an immediate 'what next?' after every section that just serves to point the player in the right direction. We learn next to nothing about who the characters are as people - what do they think? What are they passionate about? What do they hate? We just don't know.

While I'm ragging on the plot: it's a dense opening with many kingdoms named, important leaders, and characters, all before you take control of a single one of them. It's a struggle to remember so many plot points introduced so rapidly, let alone care about them. The density of information continues throughout, where you are expected to remember who is part of which kingdom, who is an ally and who is foe and how different people's agendas are playing out from one scene to the next. It feels a lot like the prequel trilogy of Star Wars - lots of information introduced relatively quickly and without spending a lot of time memorising it, working out how and why things are happening is borderline impossible. I had a similar critique of the prequel SW movies: good plot and ideas, terrible execution. Unfortunately, FFXII doesn't have a whole miniseries to help the player comprehend the politics of Ivalice.

I really disliked the Gambit system the first time I played. It felt very much like getting the game to play itself and if that's the case, why am I playing a game? I'm just running from fight to fight. I appreciate it a little more now - mostly because I am a tired adult with limited game time so automatic fighting for 99% of the time combined with 2x speed (which honestly the original game should have had, it's been permanently on throughout this playthrough) makes it more palatable to grind and get through some of the longer travelling sections of the map. I also think it's partly because my expectation has shifted from 'strategy is what I choose to do in a fight' to 'strategy is how I prepare for the fight' - I was already aware of the gambit system and how to make it work so I could start having fun with trying new things.

However, the descriptions for some techniques are just ludicrous. The in-game text for Traveller lead me to assume that it gets stronger based on the total amounts of steps you've taken in the game (and similarly Horology for time spent in game). The wiki dispelled that illusion and confirmed that both attacks were pretty much useless unless you were micromanaging to a degree that I am simply not willing to do. Lots of the gameplay information is similarly vague and unhelpful. I feel like the only reason I understand what I'm doing is because I have played other Final Fantasy games (so I already know what the spells are supposed to do) or other RPGs (so I can guess that equipment will behave in a particular way or puzzles will react in a certain way). Even then, I've had to search for the odd solution (wait, you mean I have to summon the guy to open the door, not just touch it with the person who can summon him?).

The hunt sidequests are just tedious. There’s no need to pick up a hunt, then confirm with a separate NPC that you’ve accepted the hunt, then go to a third location to find the hunt (often with a stipulation that the mark can only be found when the weather is just right, which is largely random and results in you loading and unloading an area repeatedly to get the conditions right) and then go back to that NPC to claim the reward. Especially when none of those objectives are ever marked on your main map, and you can only access a reminder by opening up the main menu, selecting the clan primer, selecting hunts, scrolling through every hunt you’ve ever accepted (even completed ones) to find the current hunt, to see a description and on one very particular screen, you can open a map that has the hunt’s current objective marked. Unless it’s a hunt where it just gives a vague location for you to search. Those exist, too.

Speaking of tedious, the Great Crystal was a section designed to force you to use a guide. Prima must have bribed them for that, because I swear that place is impossible to navigate without a VERY detailed map - no ingame map, switches to open doors (on a timer) and multiple doors per switch that can actually wind up blocking access to areas later, so you have to retread old areas to reactivate the switch and open the right door (still on a timer) and do this while running past enemies and hopefully going the right direction, with no real visual clues or references? Either you grew up playing old school dungeon crawlers and you’ve drawn your own map, or you’ve bought a guide. Or googled, but back in 2006, you probably didn’t have ready access to the internet while you were playing.

On a really annoying ‘we want you to buy a guide’ note for me - Libra seems mostly useless as a skill. It allows you to see enemy data and traps in the world, which would be useful, except there’s a large swathe of enemies that are unreadable. Those would be the bosses and hunts - the powerful enemies you are most likely to want extra information on. Given that you have used resources to both learn and acquire the skill, plus the resource of time in the field to use it, it is really frustrating that it’s so useless when you really want it, and I can’t see a compelling gameplay reason for it except forcing you to use an external guide. Given that a large part of the combat is adjusting your strategy to suit the enemy you are facing, purposefully withholding the information is just forcing you to use trial and error or brute force. Or a guide.

The game thinks it's better at writing ye olde English than it is. I'm willing to chalk it up as difficulties in translation, but most of the dialogue is very stilted and formal regardless of who is speaking and what their actual background is. A third of the party are guttersnipe orphans, a third of the party are pirates and a third of the party are used to royal formalities - they should not all have the same vocabulary and manner of speaking. Similarly, the voice acting has some very weak moments that I absolutely chalk up to localisation difficulties - voice actors have to fit the dialogue to mouth flaps rather than the other way around, and they have some awful dialogue choices to work with, especially in fast-paced cutscenes.

Also, there are so many different non-human races and different human cultural backgrounds - which I love in theory - but they don't really explore anything in great detail. Either the beast races like Garrif and Viera don't want contact with humans and so give very minimal details on their culture and way of life, or they are like the Seeq and Bangaa - they integrate with humans so well that they might as well have been a human in a costume. Even the humans from vastly different places seem to not have any major differences between their ways of life, which considering a large motivation of the plot is war, you would think to see some kind of resistance or protest purely against losing their heritage or way or life. As it is, an NPC in Rabanastre is largely the same as an NPC in Archades.

There’s some really cool aesthetics in the background of Final Fantasy XII that were probably a result of Star Wars (personal hover-transports that absolutely aren’t speeders, the vehicles in Archades that don’t look at all like Coruscant or the huge dogfights between airships that definitely aren’t an action sequence from any movie franchise we can think of, no way…) but otherwise inaccessible to us as the player. Oh, you wanted control of a speeder? How about a chocobo? An airship? Uh, you can get one sometimes, if we want you to, but you don’t get to drive, and most of the time, you’re on foot, bucko. I’m not saying a little speeder chase section would have made the game amazing, but it would have been cool as all hell if we had something like the motorcycle chase sequence from FFVII to break the game up a little bit, you know?

Despite all this, I did have some kind of fun with the game. But it's definitely one where I'm brought my own fun. Like trying to work out how I would rewrite the script to make it more compelling. There are definitely seeds of something interesting, just never really explored.

Things I actually liked, in no specific order:

Balthier and Fran’s whole dynamic. I really like shady duos who have shared history, with the man as the brains and the woman as the brawn of the operation. Optional points for the woman being athletic, agile, and a woman of few words. If I had a nickle for every duo who met this standard…well, I’d have two nickles, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice. (see Roman and Neo from RWBY)

The fact that Vaan and Ashe didn’t wind up romantically entangled. Like, I was really worried that was going to be a thing. Especially as the game kept setting up ‘Ashe sees dead ex-husband’ followed immediately by ‘but anyway, here’s Vaan’. He is so young and childlike in comparison to the weight on Ashe’s shoulders, I was really squicked to think that this was a direction they might be going in.

The vierra in general - I just wish we had more of them and their culture. Just give me about 20 more cutscenes where I can appreciate tall bunny ladies who can step on me, please and thank you?

That’s about it. The team dynamic was underwhelming, to say the least, no one really bonded or connected with each other on-screen in any way the player could appreciate, they all just bounced around from plot point to plot point reacting (barely) to circumstances as they came up and never really had a proactive plan or goal.

If you did really like Final Fantasy XII, I'm actually really interested to hear why. If you read this and disagree, and want to point out things you really liked, please do. My opinion is not going to change, but it might help me appreciate an element of the game I had disregarded.

#Final fantasy #final fantasy xii #not a headcanon #review #critique

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alreadyblondenow · 3 years

Text

Each other’s replacements

▸ Na Jaemin x female!reader ▸ Inspired by the anime Scum’s Wish ▸ High school au, SMUUUUT, fluff and angst

Summary: Two broken hearts met unexpectedly and agreed to use each other so you can both move on from your exes. Your hearts belong to each other already, you’re just waiting for love to take place and make everything right. But will you both still choose each other in the future? Word count: 6,988k

Warnings: Using each other to forget your exes, ex Lee Jeno, kind of fuck buddies but no? Fingering, mentions of fingering, handjob, blowjob, and watching each other masturbate, mentions of taking nude photos after sex, Jaemin taking a picture of your naked body after sex (with consent ofc), uproctected sex, mentions of rough sex, making out, swearing, mentions of breakup, actual breakup

A/N: I hope you enjoy this Jaemin fic. I tried writing it as realistic as possible because I think Scum’s Wish is a very mature and realistic anime, I mean shit like that happens in real life. And I think Mugi is so fucking handsome. The ending of the series sux btw HAHAA bc I wanted them to end up together so heres my version of it.

It all happened so fast but the heartbreak stayed and the process of healing is very slow.

Three months have passed already when your ex-boyfriend Jeno broke up with you on a nice afternoon after school. The reason? Well, let’s just say he fell out of love. And that’s what made it worst because you remember that all you ever did was love him and please him.

Every day, you go to school, attend class, study hard but you always looked so gloomy. And whenever Jeno cross paths with you in the hallways, he knew he hurt you badly and that you’re not your normal self anymore. The cheerful and excited girl he fell in love with was gone and it’s all because of him. He can only wish that someone will bring you back and make you happy again.

“I’ll help you with that,” a cold manly voice interrupted you and your thoughts while you were having a hard time throwing the trash. He’s not part of your class, he’s one of Jeno’s classmates but you two were never introduced to each other.

You watch him throw the heavy trash for you and hoping that he will hand the bin afterward but he didn’t. “Lead the way, it’s dirty I’ll hold it for you” he insists, so you do as you’re told, showed him the way so you can finish this day as soon as possible.

Jaemin knew everything. It’s a small school and students usually gossip too much whenever a couple breaks up, especially after being together for so long. He knew who broke your heart, he also knew that you used to smile and be cheerful all the time because he has seen you in places and he knew you're capable of automatically lighting up the place whenever you’re around. But now… all he can see is a broken-hearted girl.

“Here,” you hand him a tissue and your hand sanitizer as a thank you for not letting your hands get dirty. He accepted it and gave you a small smile, obviously, he’s not shy and he was looking directly at you while his hands move. To be honest, you have no reason to be shy with each other, and honestly, you just don’t care anymore you just want to end this day. But Jaemin being the bold man that he is, bravely loosen up the ribbon of your school uniform and undid a few buttons from your school blouse. It was a common thing for students to do that after school as a sign that they're ready to head home and end their day. Jeno used to do it for you, and you didn’t expect Jaemin would do it. Despite the fact that you only met properly today.

You don’t know what happened but your heart was racing the moment he’s done adjust it and you just stare at his crooked tie and figured you may as well loosen it up for him too and return the favor. A bold move that Jaemin did not expect from a girl because he’s used to being with girls who become shy and all flustered after he makes a move.

But you, you’re different.

And that’s when Jaemin realized that you are a perfect match for him.

Word is Na Jaemin is pretty popular with girls. Besides Lee Jeno your ex, Na Jaemin is the second most handsome guy in school. Not only that he’s handsome, but you also know that he is passionate when it comes to photography, he’s naturally smart, not that nice, quiet but cocky, cold but can give anyone the right amount of attention if he wants to. But in your case, you have his full attention.

That afternoon, for the first time in three months, you did not go home alone, someone walked with you and watched you go inside your house.

The same cold but needed interaction with Jaemin happened over and over again until people started to gossip and think that you’re together. But it was nothing like that and you stopped caring about rumors a long time ago. Jaemin is nothing like Jeno, but he’s a gentleman, he’s straightforward but most of the time quiet. And most of the time you share silence not stories and you both love it that way.

You were different people but before you knew it, you were spending more time with each other.

On Valentine's day, you don’t know what came to his mind and brought you a bouquet of roses and gave it to you secretly. You were genuinely happy of course, but you just couldn’t smile that big and show him more. Seeing him from afar with a dozen roses and a smirk, with his black sling bag he uses for school that makes him so attractive… is enough to call your Valentine's day a memorable day.

“You’re special too,” he said and hands you the bouquet. “Ready to go home? Sorry I couldn’t help you with trash today, I picked these up right after school and rushed back-“

“Thank you” you cut him off with a friendly kiss on the cheek that made him blush and shy for the first time.

With a bouquet of roses on your left arm and the trash bin on your right hand, you came back to your classroom to get your stuff and put the bin back. You cleaned your hands and admire the roses as the afternoon sunlight hits them perfectly and finally come out again to meet Jaemin. Only to find him eavesdropping on the classroom near yours.

“What-“

“Shh” he cut you off with a ‘shh’ gesture and made you look at the half-closed door and made you listen to their conversation as well.

Jeno I like you too.

Were words that immediately ruined your day that Jaemin perfected. But this is not about you. Because when you turned your back and looked at the man beside you, you saw yourself. The pain that you’ve been feeling for months now, you saw it in Jaemin’s eyes too. Now you understand that you’re just two broken people who are still in pain. And you have no idea that he has been hurting too.

Of course, seeing Jeno with another girl hurt you badly, but seeing Jaemin get teary-eyed bothered you more. So you reached for his hand and whispered, ‘it’s okay’ even though it’s not, and walked away silently with him to continue your day together.

“Do you think they’re just doing this because people are gossiping about us?” you asked while you watch him stare at his coffee blankly. You’ve never seen him like this even though he’s always quiet and cold.

“N-no. I know my ex, uhm… she wouldn’t use anyone. Is Jeno-“

“No. I know him too. And I know that he’s happy when he found out about us,”

“So it’s true then. Their feelings for each other” he said and went back to staring at his coffee blankly.

You pursed your lips and let out a deep sigh. Allowing yourself to be hurt again by hearing the truth that you have been completely replaced in Jeno’s heart. There was silence. Then you decided to admire the flowers that Jaemin gave to you and feel the soft petals on your fingertips. This day could have been a turning page for the both of you, but now you’re both very sure that you’re not yet ready to open your hearts for somebody else.

“Red roses mean love and romance,” you said as you continue to admire the roses that he gave which made him smile a little. “Do you like me?” and just like that, you gave him the question that you’ve been meaning to ask for the past few months.

“I do” he answered without hesitating, which gave you a shock actually. “Do you?” he returned the question.

“I don’t,” you said the truth because you can’t repay him with lies. No. You can’t do that to Jaemin, “but you’ve become special to me. And I don’t want to lose you too,” Honestly you thought being honest to him will make him feel even more horrible but it didn’t. In fact, it brought the unique handsome smile you love seeing on his face.

“Though, it’s not right that we are using each other to forget our exes-“ you added but he cut you off immediately.

“But I need you, and honestly I’ve been very happy these past few weeks because of you” he confessed. And you wish that you could tell him the same thing but you can’t because it’s still Jeno. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not begging you to stay. You’re an adult and I have nothing against your decisions. But I really hope we could go back to normal and be closer now that we know what each other really feels. I will date you properly when the right time comes… Just not now that we're both still confused and not sure”

Everything did not make sense of course, and the right thing to do is refuse. But the past few weeks were actually good. Not great but still Jaemin was a huge change. So you nod your head and agreed that you should continue what you’re doing but promised each other that if either one of you feels pressured already, then you should stop.

As you continue seeing Jaemin and trying to move on from Jeno, you became comfortable with each other as days go by to the point that neither one of you cares if someone mentions that you look great together even though your relationship is not true.

It was a never-ending try to give each other the chance and love that you deserve. But at the same time, it was a never-ending process of healing from your exes, a never-ending heartbreak whenever you two hear something good about their relationship. And to be honest you’re both happy that you’re not facing this heartbreak alone.

You’re thankful for each other because you have each other’s backs. But in a different way.

Jaemin is thankful for you because he can hold your hand, hug you tightly from behind then whisper sweet words, and kiss your neck, whenever he wants to, and whenever he misses skinship with his ex.

You on the other hand, is thankful too because he does these various things to you and you can just close your eyes and he lets you imagine that he’s Jeno. Like now. You were just cuddling and watching the rain from his window when suddenly his hand roamed under your skirt while he was listening to you talk, and his cold fingers played on the hem of your panties. Teasing your pussy and moving his fingers up and down your wet cover slit.

“How does Jeno touch you? Is gentle? Rough?” He asks in the sexiest tone he ever used and started kissing your neck. You had a hard time answering his question because of what he’s doing, but your mind lurks on the memories you had with Jeno in his room.

You remember how Jeno fingered you in his bed, how two fingers always feel good and that’s how you like it, you remember that while his fingers are deep inside you, he is busy kissing your body. Planting soft kisses on your chest and on your boobs, kissing your nipples and making them sensitive and he puts them in his mouth and sucks it good until it's both swollen.

This is the first time Jaemin had touched you down there. And you swear, you don’t want him to stop and you just want to remove your panties and spread your legs for him.

“Jaem-“ you moaned out an airy tone. Calling his name with your eyes closed and parted lips. Feeling his fingers go up and down your wet slit still.

“Do you mean Jeno?” Jaemin asks. But truth be told he doesn’t mind you moaning his name instead on your first time going too far. And finally, he removed your panties and made you spread your legs for him which you gladly did. Putting two fingers slowly while he’s watching you make the sexiest faces that just simply makes him hard.

Jaemin never rushed, he took his sweet time with your body. Pushing you on the edge over and over again but you don’t know why you haven’t cum yet. His tongue and fingers together were somewhat calming and just made you breathe in and out deeply, which is relaxing while you spread your legs even more.

And when you finally came, it was a nice warm feeling all over your body. Like you just got out of the shower, wet and relaxed. Though you feel so tired, weak and sleepy... Jeno was never like this but your imagination was a big help that you moaned Jeno’s name a couple of times and that made Jaemin felt so accomplished.

“How about you? Don’t you want to cum?” you asked Jaemin while you watch him help you wear your panties again, kissing your thighs after.

“Maybe later,” he said, not admitting that he came earlier too, ruining his boxers briefs.

That day you did more than touching each other’s private parts but actually giving each other oral sex for the first time. His sheets were so ruined because he came so hard when you gave him a blowjob, a handjob and when he jerked himself in front of you while he watches you finger yourself. In return, he made you cum more than three times using his fingers and tongue. And you came home with a weak body and weak legs that you flopped straight in your bed and slept with a smile.

But there are times that it’s just the two of you. Just Jaemin and Y/n, no exes involved. Where you can be free being yourselves whenever you’re alone together. Like him snapping pictures of you out of nowhere while you’re busy kissing him, or whenever you just finished having sex and you’re both too lazy to get dressed again and he will suddenly capture amazing photos of you while you’re still naked in his bed, wearing nothing but the smile he gave you because of the sex.

“Hmm. Jaemin, these are beautiful. Can I have this one? I love seeing your works, it’s like I’m seeing myself through your eyes”

Little did you know that that simple compliment from you made him blush hard and his heart jump. It’s not every day he gets to be himself, but lately, he has been feeling so inspired with his craft and he had a good guess it’s because of you.

“You can keep this too, it’s one of my favorites,” he said and handed you a picture of you kissing him while he smiles so big and so handsome with both of your eyes closed. It’s a perfect moment, a moment that Jaemin captured in the middle of him being so happy that you’re showering him with kisses.

Jaemin is sweet and quiet as usual and he showers you with love and affection every day in his own way. He’s not the normal guy who will praise you and tell you that you’re beautiful, he will just simply look at you like you’re his favorite person in the world. Which you are now. He doesn’t talk too much because one, that’s his personality already and two, he simply loves listening to you even though you don’t talk too much yourself.

He is the complete opposite of Jeno, and that’s why he became special to you.

“Yesterday, me and my mom were at the mall and I saw them. Just from afar and they were about to enter the movies and… you know, seeing them together hurt” he says while kicking stones on your way to your house.

You can only imagine the pain he felt when he saw them spending time together, and now it’s your time to get hurt because Jeno used to bring you to the movies. Then it gave you an idea.

“Do you want to go to the movies tomorrow? My treat,” you said. Nervous and shy you slowly met eyes and stopped walking when you finally arrived in front of your house.

“Did you just realized that I haven’t taken you out on a date? Because I feel bad, I just realized it now” he rambles.

“No no,” you chuckled, “I simply wanted to go to the movies with you. So tomorrow?” you were slowly walking away from him with a small smile on your face. If Jaemin was being honest, he wanted to be with you just a little bit longer. But parting will make your meeting even sweeter the next day.

On the next day, you remember clearly that you said ‘my treat’ yesterday. But the whole day that you’re together he never let you pay for anything, not even a bottle of water. You feel at ease even though it’s your first date and it’s your first time seeing each other in casual clothes and not in your uniforms, or wearing nothing at all. He looked handsome in his get up, he knows how to dress and he sure does look like the warm person you know.

“Do you like anything else?” he whispered beside you while you two wait for the movie to start and watch people enter.

“No I’m just a little chilly. But I’m fine, keep your jacket,” you stopped him before he removes his jacket, you know he will. So instead of lending you his jacket, he kept you close and wrapped an arm around you.

“This is nice, right?” he whispered back and rested his head on yours.

During the movie, Jaemin did not try any funny business. Though you were waiting for it and of course you will give him your consent. If this was Jeno, by this time you’re whimpering and cumming on his fingers by now. But you’re with Jaemin right now, and Jaemin did nothing but hold your hand, keep you close and keep you warm. And the thing that he did that made your heart race the most, was when he tightens his embrace when the couple kissed in the movie, exchanged ‘i love yous’ and he pulled you closer to him. “We’ll get there,” he whispered, “Just remember that I’m the one here and not Jeno” and you nod because you agree to him.

Not long after your first date, you and Jaemin shared a kiss under a lamppost just before you enter your house. It was not your first kiss of course. But it was the first time that you two felt that there we're no lust involved. It was a genuine kiss. A kiss that told you ‘I’m glad you chose to stay in this stupid relationship we have’ not to mention his soft lips were addicting and he was gentle the whole time. He wasn’t rushing you, he wasn’t hungry for you. But you can feel his long to finally move on and give his love wholly to you.

“Is it okay if I kiss you like that every day from now on?” he asked softly, forehead to forehead and just enjoying the cold breeze of the evening and the quietness of the street.

It’s Jaemin, not Jeno. You remind yourself over and over again.

“Yes” you nod and wrapped your arms around his neck, “Kiss me again” you requested. And so Jaemin did, even deeper but this time he took your breath away during the kiss.

The moment you closed the door and Jaemin watched you go inside your house safely, you burst into tears because you can’t help but see Jeno in your head and imagine that it’s Jeno kissing you not Jaemin. Even though it felt nothing like Jeno’s kisses, even though you smell Jaemin’s unique cologne, still it’s Jeno whom you see in your head and it’s Jeno whom you really wanted to kiss.

Days passed by and you try a little harder to show him affection, you try a little harder to be with Jaemin and not think about your ex, you try saying Jaemin’s name more often. Calling him with a smile, surprising him with back hugs, smiling with him more. Honestly, you just want to help yourself with forgetting Jeno completely because it’s exhausting already.

Today is the school’s fair and you’ve been with your friends the whole day laughing and discussing boys over snacks, sex and other stuff. And while you and your friends have been participating in a lot of games today, Jaemin can’t stop taking pictures of you from afar and watch your pretty smile. The smile he’s been seeing a lot lately and he hopes that it’s because of him.

‘Hey beautiful, I like your smile’

You received a text from him, you look around where he is and you found him behind you. Smiling so handsomely with his camera slung on his shoulder. Your friends teased you and Jaemin for being all flirty with your glances, you have never been shy around him but now there are butterflies in your stomach. Jaemin then shamelessly showed your friends how he treats you nicely, he can’t kiss you inside the school grounds so he winked at you instead and smiled.

It definitely made everyone around you jealous. Especially when Jaemin started taking your pictures, something no one was ever seen Jaemin do.

At the end of the day, you and Jaemin walk hand in hand and went to his house to cuddle and flirt more in his bed. Hands intertwined, legs tangled, bodies closer and just listening to each other talk about the most random things.

That’s right, you and Jaemin now talk. No more comfortable silence, no more quiet walks, you’ve come so far to reach this level of comfort. And when you’re both comfortable in each other’s arms like this, you both never shut up about the things you want to share with each other. Like the comfortable silence was gone with your awkward and shy phase too.

You asked him how he used to love his ex and he never shuts up about it, and it is as if he was describing how he’s treating you but when it comes to you everything was better. Like how he used to not care about Valentines for his ex but for you he went to different kinds of flower shop just so he can find the best quality of red roses. He used to hate walking with his ex because it’s making him sweat like crazy, but when it comes to you, seeing and watching you go inside your home safely was satisfying.

“Jaemin what are we? Are we friends with benefits now? Or just friends?” you dropped the question out of nowhere while you two lie in your bed, and you play with his long and perfect eyelashes.

“Hmm. No, fuck buddies avoid feelings while we... well, we try to develop our feelings. Let’s say we're two waiting hearts, were not yet in love with each other but… we belong to each other already. How’s that sound?”

“Waiting hearts. Hmm. I like it. Did you made that up?” you giggle and ran your fingertips on his very soft lips, which made him catch your hand and kiss it before he opens his beautiful eyes again.

“Yeah” he says, “But everything I said was true. Moving on is a bitch and I just can’t wait to love you right,”

And those words were just right. Perfect actually, that it made you kiss him sweetly and sincerely. And with your lips and the way you kiss, Jaemin felt that you made a promise to him. Like you’re not going to make him wait for nothing. And because of that he deepens the kiss and went on top of you, placing his body in between your legs, kissing your body nonstop and whispering sweet things to you.

“When we're finally and officially together, I won’t hurt you as Jeno did,” and you believe him because even though that you’re a wreck now, Jaemin stayed and put up with you.

He suddenly stopped kissing you, letting you breathe and bask at this moment, then he swallowed the lump in his throat and told you the truth. “I’m finally getting there…by the way, I mean, all I think about is us-you,” he was talking about his progress of moving on. “You don’t have to be pressured or anything at this point just, focus on yourself. Okay?” he said and kissed you again.

As your days with Jaemin continues, you don’t see Jeno anymore whenever you’re with Jaemin. No more imagining, it’s just you, the moment, and Jaemin. Though you’re not sure if you’ve already moved on this time or you’re just too overwhelmed because of Jaemin. Still, you know to yourself that you’re getting there and Jaemin is the reason why you’re even more closer to peace now. But you haven’t told him yet because you’re not ready. For you, you know that he will not leave and so it’s okay to take your time.

It started when you realized everything that he has done for you and the things that he’s ready to do for you. Loving again, or being given the opportunity to love someone again so deep is something so special and exciting especially when the man who holds your heart and the one waiting for you right now is Jaemin. The life you’re taking before Jaemin was like a black tunnel that you’ve been walking around in circles for some time now. And you sure as hell don’t want to take that path again.

And just thinking about experiencing the things that Jaemin has to offer, you can only do that if you give up on Jeno. So with great effort, you slowly focus your mind only on Jaemin and replace every bit of Jeno in your life with Jaemin, and from now on you make sure that you have something in return for him.

“Jaemin-“ you moan his name. Something so new and so satisfying for Jaemin to hear it's his name you moan now, not Jeno’s.

“You know, you make me shy whenever you say my name” he catches his breath and came closer to you to plant kisses on your back and knead your boobs from behind, nipples hard and swollen because you’ve been in bed with him for almost two hours now. “What do you need?” he asks while making you feel good with his lips and hands.

“Maybe slow down? I’m not going anywhere,” you hear him giggle from behind because of your request, slapping your but playfully and squeezing it good. Then suddenly, out of nowhere he rolled his hips, and let out a sexy grunt. “Fuck Jaemin, I wasn’t ready-“ you croak and landed on the mattress, face first as you grip the sheets and take Jaemin’s cock followed by a wave of hard and fast thrusts.

He kept a firm grip on your waist as he gives you hard thrusts and he kept you down on the mattress, a hand on your waist and a hand on your nape. It kept your movements minimal that’s why you can��t do anything now that you’re on the edge and he’s torturing you using his dick. But the best part of Jaemin fucking you from behind is the way he fucks you rough... so rough sometimes that you get red marks after a good round. This only happens whenever he catches his breath, but sometimes his thrusts become slow and deeper and honestly you feel like he’s rearranging your insides. And of course you love it whenever he’s just so fast and the sound of skin slapping surrounds his room and the impact of his thrust just drags you on the mattress, almost at the edge of the bed and he would have to drag your body towards him and fuck you faster and harder.

But this time, your pussy is so sensitive and your body is giving up and shivering already that you try and push him away, moan his name for mercy, grip his sheets while you arch your back so beautifully to ease your sensitivity.

“You said you’re not going anywhere? Why are you running away from me? Huh?” it was a sexy tone and his thrusts started to go slow but deeper than before and he had spread your legs again from behind. His arm is around your neck and ends at your shoulder, bodies closer than ever as he puts his whole weight on you and you feel his hard rock abs hits your back. Then he started thrusting hard again but now you can’t move your body because he got you locked in his arms, and instead of gripping the sheets, you now grip Jaemin’s arm and hands as you don’t have a choice but to accept his hard thrust.

Thrust after thrust, you breathe heavily and let out groans and call out his name. Until your body can’t take it anymore and you’re shaking uncontrollably and you did everything you can to push him away and try curling yourself into a ball but Jaemin was quick to flip you on your back and reach in for a deep kiss.

Kissing you while you cum and enjoy your orgasm. Feeling his tongue swirl around your as your body shakes and his hands caress your thighs so you could calm down and melt on his kiss.

After you cum, you and Jaemin did not stop kissing. He stayed above you, in between your legs and proceed to make out. Slowly and passionately, hands roaming to appreciate each other’s body, hands together and your lips locks and you look at each other with deep admiration.

“I want to date for real now. I’m so afraid to lose you Y/n,” he said directly into your eyes and rested his forehead on yours. “I promise I can do more for you, just be mine completely” he reached for your hands and kissed your knuckles.

Finally, you thought. And to be honest you have so much to say but none came out from your mouth. You looked at his tired sex face, his hair is all over his face, sweaty and his lips are swollen because of your intense kisses. And because your heart is full of happiness right now, you just nod so fast and cup his face and attacked him with kisses.

A love for love.

The first few days with Jaemin were beautiful. You both have your hearts full of love admiration towards one another and you shower each other with love every day without having second thoughts. You have never been loved like this and you didn’t know that you can love someone as deeply.

In just a few days, lust and love were perfectly balanced in your relationship. Now that you’re officially together, you and Jaemin would rather talk non-stop while holding hands, laugh and laugh until you’re both in tears, rather than have sex and exhaust each other out. But of course, now that you’re together, you can finally have the right to stay the night at their house, meet his family, have quiet sex at night where Jaemin’s lips are on your lips, catching every sound and moan you make so his parents won’t suspect.

“I love you,” you said and kissed him before you close your eyes and drift away. In return, he tightens his embrace and kissed you one too many times.

“I love you too,”

Now that you and Jaemin are official, he wanted to do everything again with you. Meaning, he wanted to give you flowers again as your boyfriend this time and not just as someone who’s waiting for you. He wanted to take you out on a proper date as your boyfriend, on your favorite fast food and spend all night long being happy with you.

SUNDAY

At first, you didn’t want to agree with his plan because him giving you all his love every day was enough. But he insists, and that’s why you’re waiting for your handsome boyfriend at your favorite fast food with a glass of water in front of you. He’s 30 minutes late already and you wonder why.

“I’ll get the red ones please, my girlfriend loved those last Valentine's day,” Jaemin’s smile was so big as he watches the florist wrap the red roses he got for you. He’s late because he went to the same shop where he bought you the flowers that you loved last Valentine's day.

And just as Jaemin walks out of the flower shop with a bouquet of red roses in his arm and a smile on his face, he thought about how this night will definitely be a great night for the two of you. And most importantly, no exes to ruin your first date as a couple.

While you were waiting for Jaemin inside, you didn’t know that he’s outside with a dozen roses in his arm and just smiling because he is now looking at the girl whom he loves the most.

Then suddenly, his phone rang and accepted an unexpected phone call. The voice of the girl on the other line was familiar. Very familiar. And his fist balled up immediately when he heard her crying through the phone. Turns out, he still can’t say no to the girl he used to love so much and his excitement on seeing you was immediately replaced with anger.

“Who made you cry? Where are you?” Jaemin asked sternly to his ex.

“He left me Jaems- I’m sorry I don’t know who else to call, I’m at home can you please go here? I really need someone right now, I’ll lose my mind,”

And just like that, he chose his ex over you. He told himself, he will be quick and still meet you afterward. But you waited for an hour… until closing time. Leaving tons and tons of messages to Jaemin but he didn’t return any of them. Maybe something important came up? A family matter? You tried and tried to forgive him even though you’re pissed that he didn’t show up. You even reminded yourself that you didn’t want this date in the first place so why be upset? So it’s okay.

When you’re finally near your house after a very disappointing date that could have been a beautiful one for you and Jaemin, a very familiar figure was waiting for you outside your house.

One glance at that perfect face, small crescent eyes, and beautiful smile, gave your mind an instant flashback. The guy who loved you first way before Jaemin came into your life, the man who loved you in your highs and lowest moment, the man you’ve been waiting to come back…. is finally back.

“How are you?” he started.

“Better. Jeno, what are you doing here?” you asked, straight to the point.

“I just came by to see you. I’m the one who ruined us but I still miss you from time to time you know? And now I know why,”

“And that is?”

“Regrets. Now that I’m single again, for sure my regrets will even weigh more,” he let out a heavy sigh and looked at his shoes before he gave you a question. A question that he already knows the answer. “If I ask you to come back, will you accept it?” he didn’t look you in the eye. He just stared at the sky and waited for your answer.

“No,” you said honestly and without regrets. “I waited for you to come back long enough. And I worked so hard to be healed again,”

“Then I should’ve asked you earlier then. I should’ve left her earlier,”

What he said sounded wrong for you. Because you know if he did those earlier you will end up hurting Jaemin instead. At least now, it’s clear like the sky above that you no longer love Jeno.

The night ended with a friendly hug. It’s the only comfort you can offer to him because you respect your boyfriend. And you well know that staying longer with Jeno tonight can spark your first fight with Jaemin.

But as you lie in your bed and think about everything that happened tonight, your mind takes you to unwanted scenarios where Jaemin chose to comfort his ex rather than meeting up with you. It’s not right to doubt Jaemin, so you close your eyes and looked forward to the next day.

And just as you thought, you’re going to wake up with a bunch of missed calls or texts from Jaemin, you have none. So there is something wrong.

Jaemin on the other hand is staring at a white ceiling and thinking about the things that he can’t take back right now. It’s too early for regrets but he doesn’t have a choice but to rethink his wrong decisions, over and over again. Starting when he answered the phone call from the naked girl beside him right now. The wrong decisions he made last night was the epitome of the phrase, ‘one thing led to another’

He answered the call and stood you up.

He went to his ex’s house.

He returned the kiss.

He agreed to fuck.

It was all his choice. Wrong choices that made him lose and lost you way before your relationship could have bloomed beautifully. And he can’t take that back because he can't show his face to you anymore for the sexual activity that happened last night between him and his ex, somehow brought them back together.

SUNDAY

It all happened so fast but the heartbreak stayed and the process of healing is very slow.

Seven days have passed already when Jaemin stood you up on a date to choose his ex over you. The reason? Well, you don’t know because you and Jaemin did not talk it out… the breakup sort of happened automatically when you saw him and his now girlfriend again, holding hands while entering the school grounds on a cold Monday morning. And that’s what made it worst because you remember that all you ever did was love him and be better to make way for the love you thought you both want.

Every day, you go to school, attend class, study hard but you always looked so gloomy. Again. And whenever Jaemin crosses paths with you in the hallways, he knew he hurt you badly and that he broke every promise he told you. He can only wish that he could turn back time and choose to not answer that fucking call.

Just like that, you’re back in that black tunnel and you didn’t expect that Jaemin will be the reason why you’re back on this dark path again. And this time, the heartbreak was ten times even worst than what you felt during your breakup with Jeno.

A few more weeks after the breakup, you started being alone with yourself again and try to give your heart a break from all the drama.

But one fateful afternoon, when everyone had gone home already and you’re on trash duty again, as usual, Jaemin finally decided to swallow his pride and say the apology you deserve.

“I’m sorry, Y/n,” Jaemin said out of nowhere. He was looking straight into your eyes when he said it, and you can see that he’s sincere through his eyes.

“I hope you’re happy” and that's all you can say and try to walk away.

“I’m not- do you still love me?”

It was a question that broke both of your hearts because you both know that even though love is involved, it’s still not enough to keep you together.

But still, you answered him with all honesty. “Yes” short and simple.

“Then let's be together-“ he proposed with hopeful eyes.

“And what? Cheat?” you ask sternly, he nodded. “One of the reasons why I liked you back then is because you’re not complicated. You’re a simple ‘yes’ and ‘no’, but now you’re the one who complicates things. I’m sorry. It’s a no,” and that is an answer Jaemin did not expect from you because he thought you loved him that much that you’re still going to accept him. But maybe, the pain that he’s feeling right now, is the same pain that you felt when he chose his ex over you that night.

As days, months, and seasons change but of course the heartbreak never left, you focus more on being with yourself until finally you survived this school year and today is your last day in school. But before everything ended, a lot has happened before it finally ended, like Jeno suddenly transferring schools, Jaemin is single again, and you were awarded for ranking #3 out of hundreds of other students studying their asses off.

That same afternoon, while you’re fixing your stuff and ready yourself to go home under the pouring rain, Jaemin found you alone in your classroom again. And it felt like you’re meeting again for the first time. You don’t know why you accepted his help, you don’t know why you let him walk you home under his small umbrella that made you walk closely together.

He was quiet. You were quiet. But it was not the comfortable silence you used to have, it was very awkward. But you both endured it because if you’re both going to be honest with your feelings, you both wanted this.

“Are we going to do this again?” you ask before you enter your house.

“Yes. The right way,”

And you know you both found your way back to each other because it’s the right thing to do.

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justmywriting1313 · 3 years

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Mini HC’s for terms of endearment (Beel, Belphie, Diavolo, Barbatros, Solomon, Simeon) Part 2

BEEL: (Ps: I automatically think of the twins with the M/C together so fair warning)

Baby, Lovely, Cupcake, Sugar, Pumpkin, Little one, Pretty girl

Okay tbh, At first I didn't think Beel would be the type to be using terms of endearments. I feel like he likes saying your name the most. I think for him thats more intimate than any other way of calling you but when he finds out you like the terms and feel sad that Beel and Belphie don’t call you any term he would definitely pick it up. I think a lot of them would involve food in someway that he associates with you.

So Cupcake, Sugar, Pumpkin, are some of his favourites and definitely the ones he uses in public. I think Pumpkin is his favourite since I definitely think the size difference between you and Beel (which would be there regardless of how tall you are since he is a giant), as nervous as it makes him, he also really loves it. It makes him want to make you feel like small and cute and taken care of and pumpkin is the best way to do it.

Baby, Lovely and Little one are ones he uses to pacify you or coax you. I think when I see the r/s between Beel, you and Belphie, Beel is the gentle care taker in a way and so I can definitely see him using these two as softer ways to make you feel okay. You have to stop fussing at him when he is helping you out or carrying “Baby please, all this moving is making it hard to carry you and I don't want to drop you” or “M/C, lovely please can you look at me little one.”

Little one and Pretty girl is also definitely the go to for the bedroom for Beel. I definitely think he is a passionate and almost hungry lover and so its like soft whispers where he tells you how beautiful you are before he is pounding away into you. “Ahhh pretty girl, you don’t know what you do to me” or “M/C, little one please can I taste you now?”

Overall fluffy as fuck and tooo cute.

BELPHIE:

Pretty, Baby, Lovely, Y/N-Chan/Kun, Y/N-ie

Honestly Belphie also isn't one for the nicknames unless its tease you relentlessly. If Beel is the protective sweetie who kind of coddles you, then Belphie is the grumpy, overly possessive dom and doesn’t feel bad that you want him calling you terms of endearments. He doesn't coddle you, he kind of teases you the most and definitely bullies you a little. To do so he feels like its best to use your name but he also likes to make it cuter so I think Y/N-Chan or Y/N-ie.

For example “Aaaah Y/N chan you're so tiny how do you reach anything around here” or “Awww look at Y/Nie she looks like a little child, well if you act like one then I'm going to treat you like one” or “Y/N chan where are you going? no you know you're supposed to be my pillow”

I think the rest of the names are mainly for the bedroom. He is teasing you, dragging along your release and not letting you have your relief and he coos names like Pretty, Pretty little thing, Baby and Lovely. “Come now pretty baby, don't be a brat and let me taste you” or “Aaaah stop that fussing baby, let Beel and me make you feel soo good.”

Overall, very much a bullying thing but in a cute way.

DIAVOLO:

Sweetheart, Darling, My Heart, Beloved, My Sweet, Little miss, Little one, Princess, Pumpkin, Baby, Pretty girl, Lovely, Treasure

Another man with a size kink as well as a 98% daddy kink, he never ends up calling you by your name unless you’re in trouble. I feel like Dia has two ways of calling you. One is the sophisticated or like classic loving terms which are meant more for the public. Especially since he is a prince and he needs to keep up appearances he needs to use terms that are appropriate.

Sweetheart, Darling, My Heart and Beloved are in those. Tbh even these are pretty intimate but calling you anything else really isn't in his repertoire and so if anyone does say its inappropriate they can deal with him. He would just glare at the person and then whisk you away. But yeah things like “Sweetheart, what would you like? don't be shy about your requests” or “Aah there you are my heart, why don't you accompany me to the balcony for some fresh air?”

Then the next set of names are definitely ones that feed into his daddy kink and his size kink. They are all about making sure you feel like you are taken care off and feel kinda little. So these are My Sweet, Little miss, Little one, Princess, Pumpkin and Little girl. Its a very tender cute and endearing thing for him when he calls you any of these and you giggle.

One of my favourite images or ideas with Diavolo is him coming home after a long long day where he hasn’t seen you for more than 24 hours. He is so grumpy that even Barbatros can’t handle him and so he stomps to his office fully intent on sulking the entire day but then you come into view, setting up tea and biscuits and his face just lights up as he practically shouts, “Pumpkin!! There you are Oh, you wont believe how much I've missed you little one.” He will settle himself in his chair dragging you into his lap. He would want to be sat in the most intimate way possible and so he would make you straddle him, kissing over your entire face making you giggle and then he would lean back and ask “So how was your day little miss? Tell me all about it”

Its just sooo domestic and sweet and I just like the way it shows both your care about each other mutually.

Another image I love is M/C coming up and trying to scare Dia and him just going along with it. Like you are trying to scare him in his room and so you sneak up behind him. He already knows you are there, but he plays along since he likes seeing you behave so mischievously and so you would pop up behind him yelling out ‘BOO’ and grabbing his waist in an attempt to scare him and he’ll fall onto the couch in ‘shock’ grabbing you along with him, “Aaah!! My sweet how could you betray your prince in such a way, such treason by scaring me huh baby?

And the last ones are the ones he uses in the bedroom. Honestly he uses all of the above only but in addition he would use Pretty girl, Lovely, Treasure. These are super possessive and Dia gives of the image of someone who is into that so yeah.

Overall super sweet but also super possessive.

BARBATROS:

Little miss, Dear, Darling, Honey, Sweetie, Sweetheart

Again, another dom man among these guys. He also has a daddy kink in my opinion since he likes to take care of people, but I don’t think he is the type to use a lot of nicknames except for the very classic ones like My dear, Darling, Honey, Sweetie and Sweetheart.

I think its obvious given that he is all about being proper and etiquette so he obviously would not use these in public. Even in public there is a certain level of caution he keeps. I feel like for him the sweetest thing he can use is your actual name. But there are certain scenarios in which i van see him use them.

You're cooking with Barb and you need to grab something of the top shelf but you cant reach so you ask Barbatros, “Aaah of course my dear whatever you need,” he would press himself against your back making sure you can feel his warmth as he does so making you brush brightly and whine at Barb’s teasing. He chuckles into your ear as he teases you, “Why sweetheart you truly are the most sensitive little thing, I haven't done a thing and you're already whining”

Another scenario I can see him using it in is, its been a long day for both of you and you are waiting for him so you pounce onto him the minute he arrives and he goes “Ahhh there is my little miss? but easy now sweetie I'm not going anywhere”

Overall super sweet super daddy-sih I feel like but in a sophisticated manner.

SOLOMON:

Babe, Baby, My lucky (little) charm, Y/N-ie, My love

Honestly again another man who doesn't use terms of endearments a lot, not because he doesn't care, its just to him the sweetest thing he can call you is your name.

On the rare occasions he does call you its either the normal Babe and Baby. These are like normal day to day things he calls you. “Babe pass the little gold nickels, I think they go into this potion”... “You think babe? Im not handing it to you until you know for sure”.

He loves you every day but on days he feels particularly romantic or overly sweet he will call you know Y/N-ie. It just feels cute and small. The scenario I have in my head is like on a rainy day. For once you guys don't have any work. He is sitting on his bed, no shirt and legs crossed book in hand as he mutters the words. His eyes glaze over though and your little hands take his attention. Your head rests on his chest, one leg thrown over his. His own hand resting on the curve of your waist, gently running his hands over his skin lightly squeezing. You’re humming a song as you trail his pact marks, fascinated. Your eyes are big like a little child full of wonder and complete adoration. Solomon can’t remember the last time he felt so loved as he throws his book to the side. You look at him in question but he wraps his arms around you and pulls you onto him you giggling at the ticklish feeling as he nuzzles the top of your head, “Y/n-ie baby I love you you know that right?” “I know–” “No, I mean I am completely and utterly in love with you... I adore you my lucky little charm” “I love you too Solomon.”

Lastly he uses My love in the bedroom. Regardless of wether he is being a hard or a soft dom that night. He always uses My love. He loves the intimacy that comes with that term.

Overall super romantic and cutesy but with in the right moments and not overused.

SIMEON:

My Little lamb, Sweetie, My Sweet, Lovely, Darling Y/N, Little Thing

You already know he is one of the cutest and most romantic of the boys in Obey Me. His favourite one to call you is Little lamb. It will always be his favourite. At first you think it isn't unique since he calls all the humans little lamb but then eventually he explains to you that thats why he calls you My little lamb. Its his way of being possessive. and honestly for him thats as hard dom as he is getting.

The other terms are for in public like Sweetie, My Sweet, Lovely. These are his public ones and they make all the other boys so jealous cause he makes them sound so sweet.

The two other special ones for him are Darling Y/N and Little thing. Darling Y/N is the ones he uses whenever he is declaring his love for you in any way. Little thing is the ones he uses to coax you to do what you have to do. Or he uses it to pacify you when you want your way and cant get it. Something like “Y/N, Little thing, please stop with the foot stomping or I swear to Michael I will tie you this bed.”

Overall his is pretty straightforward.

I’m so sorry this got so late. I had meant to finish it. I broke my wrist and then hurt my fingers and also my classes started so I've been in too much pain and exhaustion hahahaha.

Anywho next one is the next part to compliments with Beel and Belphie together. The problem I am having is that its become too long but i don't want to break it into two parts. what should i do since its sooooo long?

Masterlist

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leolo404 · 3 years

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🌹Mini Astro Observations Pt.2🌹

⚠️Sidenote⚠️: Please take this with a grain of salt for not all of my personal observations will resonate you entirely. Do not plagiarize or reword my work as well.

🌹I've noticed that most people I met (which includes my friends) have their moon in the 11th house. Moon in 1H, 7H, 10H, and 12H are the placements I barely met in real life.

🌹Sagittarius rising are actually more blunt compared to Sagittarius Mercury because it matters more on the house it's in. Say for example, Sagittarius Mercury in water houses are more aware of the impact of their words and are often tactful in expressing it but Sagittarius Rising is automatically sitting in the 1H which represents our overall personality and this can include being frank. Too honest for their own good honestly.

🌹Aquarius Moon/Rising in general are more fitting being ambiverts than extroverts. These folks are good at networking and are often great group workers but they care for their own freedom as well and need some alone time to spend with their own hobbies and get energized. They have this so called "me-time" and doesn't like anyone to disturb them during that time. This is why they just randomly disappear🤷🤷🤷

🌹Libra placements are pretty neutral with all the signs when it comes to compatibility. This is because Libras are known for their politeness and are often fair individuals who likes to enjoy life as well. Scorpios and Capricorns might be a struggle for them but it's a chance.

🌹People who have Capricorn/Virgo/Aries in the 4H can indicate a person being very responsible at home and oftentimes, their parents tend to always let them do the chores. Atleast your parents look up to you compared to your other siblings because they know you are more capable of it❤️

🌹Jupiter aspecting Neptune are great indicators of someone who expands their imaginations and mostly their dreams are long, something like a full story. They tend to love making as much scenarios as they can on their head.

🌹Aries/Scorpio placements are soft deep down and their tough exterior is just a cover up so they won't be taken advantaged of by others. But this doesn't mean they can't express their emotions freely, they do.

🌹Water Sun/Moon/Rising are the types of people who when they feel melancholic, they tend to scroll on Pinterest reading sad quotes because they can feel the sense of understanding on how they are feeling at the moment. 😩

🌹Scorpio/Aries first Decans are one of the most passionate individuals to ever exist. This is because the first decans of these two signs are governed by Mars(Aries and Scorpio) which represents energy and passion. These two signs are originally passionate but it's more influenced.

(First Decan: Aries/Scorpio Sun in 1° - 9.5° or people born on March 21 to March 30 and October 24 - November 2)

🌹Virgo mixed with Libra placements can indicate someone being diplomatic and neat. More like a "goody two shoes" type.

🌹Sun in 1H are super confident in themselves and doesn't give a fuck on what others think of them. This same goes for Sun in harmonious aspects with the Ascendant. Keep shining luv ✨

🌹Leo/Cancer mixed with earth placements can indicate someone who is a traditionalist. Someone who is conventional and might be uncomfortable with surprises or the unexpected. Applies to 6H stellium as well.

🌹According to research, during the astrological age of Gemini is when civilization started. Where writing systems were created and cities were built. During this era is where people communicate more and trading exists as well.

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laladellakang · 2 years

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what songs would enha use to describe Della with?

and if they could choose ONE thing about Della that they absolutely LOVE, what would it be?

OMG I JUST SAW THIS IM SO SORRY

btw my writer’s block is still going strong 🫦 sometimes i just wanna read ffs about della lmao

i said that this is our song but really, the way the singer describes the girl is how i would describe della. she’s just… home. cool water in a desert, really

that’s probably that one thing that i love about her. she’s comforting to everyone without even doing much, she’s a safe space. to be honest, all she needs to do is be in the room and it’ll automatically feel lighter

… okay it sounds hilarious but apart from ‘the sucker for pain’ thing. the ‘us against the world’ and squad loyalty parts are really us

our baby is so strong. she’s been and is going through a lot but she she’s so chill and mature. she always has a smile on, she’s still kind to the world- she’s just amazing

she’d do anything for me.. even when i don’t deserve it.. and she’s also really pretty

i agree with jungwon, her aura is insane. she’s able to make anyone comfortable within such a short time, like- iland? she made 7+ people catch feelings because of it. no wonder she’s so damn popular

please disregard some of the dirty lyrics BUT BASICALLY this is della’s song. she’s confident, catches everyone’s attention, amazing at dancing and she’s both swag (just deal with it) and classy at the same time

i love how kind she is, she’s really really really nice. though more than that, i love how she’s smart about it too. she doesn’t let anyone walk on her

DELLA’S SONG 100000% i’ve never heard of a song that describes her better than this one. it’s della from beginning to end, every. single. line.

she’s very caring and attentive. she always takes care of us so we try to make up for it by babying her a lot. she always knows what to do and she’s so observant. she’ll be an amazing mother

honestly- i think this is our (sulla) song too. she’s m- our safe place. she’s there when we want an escape, she’s our source of strength

i love how brave and confident she is. she’s really someone who doesn’t care about what people think about her (apart from us and the people she cares the most). i wish i could be like that, she’s so cool

it’s kinda sad but she would really- and has, sacrificed a lot for so many people, even when she can’t offer much. especially for the people she loves

i think her sixth sense is underrated. there are times where i (or we) try to hide our feelings or don’t want to talk about them but she just knows. and when she does, she knows just what to do to make us feel better

#clc - ldk asks #kang della #della kang #della’s men

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reid-fiction · 3 years

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Meet Me Under the Mistletoe

In which you get sent on a little treasure hunt during the F.B.I Christmas party.

A/N: So...IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! In celebration, I decided to write a very fluffy, very Christmasey story because I’m worth it you’re all worth it ;) If you would like a song reference, you can listen to Randy Travis’ song, “Meet Me Under the Mistletoe” that was released the year I was born (coincidence, I swear). But, if you hate twangy country music from the 80′s, you can skip it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Jingle Bells” was blasting through the speakers that Garcia had set up in the corner of the room. It was the 5th time tonight - so far - that you had heard that song, and you knew you were going to be dreaming about sleigh bells in your sleep. The cup of eggnog in your hand was probably starting to become room temperature because you had only managed to sip at it for the last few hours in between small talk with everyone else at the party.

You weren’t having fun.

Not because you didn’t like your co-workers or because you hated Christmas, you were just bored and had hoped to spend most of your night with a particularly tall and lanky genius that was, currently, nowhere to be found.

It wasn’t that you needed Spencer to be there in order for you to have a good time, but his presence certainly made things more enjoyable for you. The two of you had a decently established flirtation going on for the last few months and, although it had yet to progress past that stage, you always hoped that he would take the plunge and make things more official.

You glanced around the room, watching everyone from your office mingle and try to have conversations above the blaring music. You smiled, seeing Luke and Matt engaged in what seemed like a very passionate discussion which really didn’t match the tone of the gaudy, oversized Christmas sweaters they were both wearing. Garcia was on the other side of the room laughing over some joke that Rossi was telling. JJ and Will were standing next to each other while talking to Emily and Tara. But, no Spencer.

You took another sip of your eggnog and grimaced. It was warm, just as you had expected. You didn’t particularly feel like talking to anyone else, and you were seriously considering just making an early exit and calling it a night. Before you could move to deposit the rest of your drink down the drain, you saw one of the agents that worked at the desk across from yours start walking toward you.

“Hey, (Y/N),” he said, smiling. “I have something for you.”

You frowned in confusion. “You do?”

“Yeah, I was asked to give you this note.”

He held out a folded piece of paper to you, and you took it. When you opened it up, you saw only a few words scribbled inside.

“Kitchen, in the fridge by the water jug.”

You read over the note several times, becoming increasingly confused each time. It read like a game of Clue and, considering your job, you wouldn’t have been at all surprised to find a dead body in the fridge by the water jug.

“Wait, what does this - “

You looked up as you were speaking and saw that the agent was already gone and you were left holding your room temperature eggnog and a weird murder confession. You had no idea what was going on, and you also had no idea who had given the agent the note in the first place.

You had two options, really. You could ignore the note and leave the party like you had been intending to. Or, you could go into the kitchen, open the fridge, and check the water jug. You knew Garcia’s place like the back of your hand, and you knew she wouldn’t mind if you went into her kitchen, so you trudged off in that direction and weaved your way through the crowds of people.

When you reached the kitchen, you walked over to the fridge and opened it. It took you a second to find the jug of water that was buried behind trays of food and other drinks for the party, but you carefully rearranged the puzzle of objects until you got to the water container and soon saw another similar looking piece of paper taped to the side.

“Living room, on the bottom of the painting over the couch.”

While you were relieved to find no sign of a dead body in Garcia’s refrigerator, you still had absolutely no idea what kind of game you were playing. You knew exactly which painting the mystery clue writer was referring to, and you also knew how many people were currently crowded in that room.

You sighed, closing the door to the fridge and walking back toward the living room. You were already invested in this game, you might as well keep going. You had to awkwardly excuse yourself as you interrupted the three people who were sitting there in mid-conversation and ask if you could check something on the wall behind them. They gave you strange looks, but stood and allowed you to kneel on the couch and look at the painting. Sure enough, another note was taped to the bottom of the frame. You quickly grabbed it and gave a polite thanks to the three people who were still looking at you as though you had two heads.

Your face burned a bit with embarrassment as you moved to a quieter part of the room to open the third note.

“Front closet, in your coat pocket.”

At least this clue would be easy enough to find. You walked back through the groups of people until you got to the entryway and opened the closet door. You found your coat and rummaged into the pocket, feeling around until you found the piece of paper inside.

“Outside by the tree, under the mistletoe (bring your coat, it’s chilly)”

This clue made your heart skip several beats. You knew which tree was being referred to, but the mention of mistletoe was new. If this was some sort of prank, you had to admit that the prankster was committed. But, if it wasn’t a prank? Who would have gone to all this trouble just to get you...

Your head shot up and you quickly glanced around the room again, taking a head count of everyone you saw. All the usual suspects were still there, except for one, and it was the one who hadn’t shown up in the first place.

There was no way, right? It couldn’t be.

You shoved your arms into the sleeves of your coat and left the apartment, taking the stairs two at a time until you were at the front door. The tree was just outside to the left and, as soon as you got outside and rounded the corner, you saw it.

You also saw him.

The tree was draped in white Christmas lights that looked brilliant against the subtle dusting of snow that had fallen earlier that day. The street was pretty much deserted, and the flurries that were still falling from the sky hit the ground without a sound.

Spencer was standing underneath the tree and smiled when he saw you. As you were walking toward him, you saw something else strung up in the tree branch just above his head. It didn’t take long for you to figure out what it was, and you shook your head in amused disbelief as you got up to him.

“What are you doing?” you asked.

“This is holiday tradition, isn’t it?”

You shrugged. “I guess. But, most people don’t set up a treasure hunt for it.”

You stood in front of him, watching your breath wisp out like smoke in the cold air. He shuffled back and forth on his heels, looking every bit as nervous and awkward as you currently felt.

“So,” you said, breaking the silence between you, “are you going to carry on this tradition, or are we just going to stand out here underneath this tree until we freeze?”

Spencer smiled, looking down at the ground for a moment before he moved a few steps closer to you. He was only inches from you now, and you could feel the heat from his body helping to block the cold from hitting your own.

He looked back at you, biting his lip before he reached out and took your face gently in his hands. You swallowed, feeling your heart rate speed up as he moved closer, tilting his head until he could capture your lips with his own. Your hands automatically wandered up until they settled on his waist.

It felt like time had stopped, and you honestly wished that it would. You could have stayed in his embrace forever and, while this wasn’t the first time you had kissed someone, it was certainly one of the most memorable.

Much to your dismay, Spencer pulled back a few seconds later. Keeping his hands on your cheeks, he smiled at you and you felt your face flushing under his gaze.

“I can’t believe you went to all that trouble just so you could kiss me,” you said. “Especially considering this whole time you could have just asked.”

Spencer chuckled, leaning his forehead against your own.

“I wanted it to be special,” he replied. “But, I promise that I’ll just ask next time.”

“Next time, hey?” you said, raising your eyebrows. “You’re already planning for a next time?”

“Quite a few times, actually. That is, if you want me to?”

You couldn’t help the somewhat incredulous sound that came out of your mouth. The idea that he wasn’t sure if you actually wanted him to kiss you was something you needed to change immediately.

“Spence?”

“Yeah?”

“Ask to kiss me again.”

He didn’t even have time to get the full question out before you answered by pulling him back to you again.

This was way better than finding a dead body in Garcia’s refrigerator.

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