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It's Quick, It's Easy, and It's Free! (Stormlight Edition)
It's a meme, kind of!
1. Lopen: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Eating crem!
Teft: Why would I do that though?
Lopen: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free!
2. Lift: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Stealing food!
Wyndle: W-While technically correct in your case, I'm not really sure that's the best...
Lift: Quick! Easy! Free!
3. Hoid: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Listening to my stories!
Kaladin: ... quick?
Hoid: On my timescale, almost anything can be considered quick.
Kaladin: What?
Hoid: What?
4. Shallan: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Looking at a cool flower or a nifty bug!
Adolin: Uh, Shallan, my love...I saw you look at a cremling for thirty minutes yesterday.
Shallan: 😅
5. Rlain: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Not treating other people like crem!
Renarin: Here, here!
Rlain: Although people sure act like it's difficult, sometimes...
6. Szeth: It's quick. It's easy. It costs nothing…material. It’s Murder.
Nightblood: Here, here!
Szeth: This is a lament, sword-nimi.
7. Moash: It's quick, it's easy, and it's freeing. Giving up your emotions to Odium.
Odium: Nice variation on a theme!
Moash: Thanks. I feel nothing.
8. Lezian: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free! Killing Kaladin!
Leshwi: I have…doubts about each of your chosen adjectives.
Lezian: Shut UP, Leshwi!
9. Rock: He’s quick, he’s easy(going), and - thanks to Kaladin- he’s free! It’s me!
Skar: you say quick but the stew has been cooking for nine hours
Rock: I did not say my STEWS are quick
10. Dalinar: It’s slow, it’s tough, and it costs everything: taking the next step
Adolin: I can’t decide…do you not understand the meme, or do you understand it too well?
Dalinar: (mysterious smile)
#cosmere#cosmerelists#Stormlight Archive#Lopen#Teft#Lift#Wyndle#Hoid#Kaladin#Shallan#Adolin#Dalinar#rock#Skar#Lezian#Leshwi#Moash#Odium#Rlain#Renarin#Szeth#Nightblood
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If you could ask/bribe/convince people to read just one of your lists - not necessarily your best, not the one that you think summarizes your style, not even your favorite, but the one you want people to read the very most for whatever reason - which one would it be?
And if you feel comfortable, why that one?
Oh man, this is a tough question, my friend! (@cosmereplay)
Can I cheat and give multiple answers?
My most honest answer would be a couple of the lists I have coming up--I'm always very excited about sharing the things I write, but since I write them a few weeks in advance, there's always a long wait before anyone gets to see them. There's a few coming up that I think are really funny, so I'm excited for people to read them!
A second answer would be my "Radiant" post, a parody of "Popular" from Wicked. I thought it was fire, but it did NOT do well. I am still so tickled that the syllables of "Radiant" line up so well with the syllables of "Popular," and I've been really into the song parodies lately.
And my final answer would be the "would you still love me if I was a cremling" one because I do think it's pretty indicative of my sense of humor, which tends toward the decidedly silly.
Thank you for the ask! I had to think hard about this. :)
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In honour of @cosmerelists' What Your Preferred Kaladin Ship Says About You, I thought I'd do one with our favourite bad boy Moash!
What Your Preferred Moash Ship Says About You
Moash/Kaladin: Yeah yeah, we’re all on tumblr.
Moash/Azure: Morosexual. You love it when a woman is stronger, smarter, and much much older.
Moash/Sadeas: You love the Alethi masculine ideal. You know they would both do anything for a Shardblade.
Moash/Lyn: Delusional. You think it's a woman's job to fix a man, but she cannot and will not.
Moash/Wit: You have taste. Wit could fix him, but he chooses not to for the bit.
Moash/Shallan: Literary sadist. You just want to know what would happen if Formless emerged.
Moash/Venli: You think physical proximity is all that’s required for a relationship.
Moash/Elhokar: You have a kink for annoying everyone in a fandom at the same time.
Moash/Leshwi: You have fantasized about getting fucked by your shitty boss. I respect that.
Moash/Gavilar: You have a daddy kink. There’s only one fic of this pairing in existence and it’s on your computer.
#yeah I've shipped KalMoash and Moash/Elhokar and I'm looking hard at Moash/Shallan#They could make each other so much worse#cremposting#stormlight archive#rhythm of war#row spoilers#oathbringer#oathbringer spoilers#moash stormlight#shipping#crack ships
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New List Blog
Well...I’m staring a new List Blog! I don’t know if any of you are fans of the Cosmere books by Brandon Sanderson, but they are my latest fandom and I can’t seem to stop writing lists about them.
The new blog is cosmerelists. Feel free to stop by if you’re interested!
I plan to post there weekly--occasionally biweekly if I have the time.
@cosmerelists
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Pros and Cons of Stormlight Characters in the Middle Seat Next to You on a Budget Airline.
As requested by anon. :)
1. Kaladin
Cons: His legs are so long. His hair is so luxurious. His shoulders are so broad. This large, beautiful man is not trying to be in your space, but the budget airline seat cannot contain him.
Pros: You started what you thought was an idle conversation, but by the end of your flight, he had diagnosed your chronic pain and become your therapist??
2. Shallan
Pros: Well, she's more of a regular-sized human and she's friendly but quiet. She seems to just want to sketch the whole flight, so no complaints!
Cons: Why does she keep staring directly at a space across the plane and sketching the creepiest symbol-headed creatures you've ever seen with her eyes vaguely glazed over like she doesn't even know she's doing it holy shit is this a Twilight Zone situation where there are invisible gremlin monsters on this plane that only she can see and is it your imagination or do you hear humming from somewhere
3. Adolin
Cons: Listen, this is a budget airline, and this guy seems to think it's a fancy spa?? He's got the slippers, the posh eye mask, the luxurious travel pillow, some really nice face creams, and he seems to be video chatting with a girl even though the internet on the plane doesn't even work. Frankly, you're jealous and grouchy about it.
Pros: Okay, he actually seems really sweet and he gave you some of his way-too-nice-for-an-airplane snacks. You take it all back; this guy is awesome.
4. Szeth
Pros: He is so still. So quiet. Almost folded in on himself. Barely...breathing? Honestly, you keep forgetting the middle seat is occupied, and how rare is that!
Cons: You just...you think you'd feel better if he just blinked. Just once. Please.
5. Lift
Cons: You had to sigh just a little when a little kid plopped down next to you. Also, she goes to the bathroom every five minutes, and comes back with food every time. You think she might be robbing people.
Pros: She complimented your butt quite sincerely. You've always been kinda self-conscious about your butt! But apparently yours is the "second best she's ever seen." Feels nice.
6. Jasnah
Pros: Like, is it possible for someone to just be really good at flying? She came in, expertly stowed her luggage, sat down elegantly, did her seatbelt, used a wipe to clean up the tray table and surrounding area, and immediately starting reading some thick tome. Do you have a crush on her? You might have a crush on her.
Cons: She glanced at the book you're reading, and you know she judged you for it.
7. Wit
Cons: Does this guy EVER stop talking?
Pros: Okay, actually, you found him kind of annoying at first, but that story he told you about the temple and the duck might have healed years of trauma? Did you just realize that you don't have to forgive your mom and that's okay?
8. Renarin
Pros: He sat down and you were like, "Okay. Cute nerd. I dig it."
Cons: You just wish he wouldn't scrawl foreboding-seeming numerals on the back of the airline chair in front of him. Is it counting down to...just before the plane lands? What does it mean???
9. Amarem
Cons: He came in and was IMMEDIATELY like, "I am taller than you and so I should have your seat." And then he just...waited? Like he thought you'd just comply???
Pros: He seems intent on pretending that never happened. Fine by you. That guy seems like an asshole.
10. Zahel
Pros: He falls asleep, like, immediately and doesn't stir for the entire flight.
Cons: He's just kinda stinky.
11. Dalinar
Cons: He sits down and, unprompted, says something like, "In my youth I would always battle to occupy every armrest but now, after reading The Way of Planes, I have realized that it is the journey, not the armrests, that matter, so you can have them" and then you're like, "Dude, the person in the middle seat gets the armrests that's just common courtesy" and then he looks at you and you look at him and it's vaguely awkward the whole flight and nobody uses the armrests.
Pros: Actually, after a while you do take the armrest and the tension goes down a lot.
12. Taravangian
Pros: He just kinda seems like a nice old man, you know? Kinda confused about stuff, but harmless enough.
Cons: He falls asleep partway through and droops his head onto your shoulder and drools a bit and you know you sound ridiculous but it feels somehow calculated. Intentional. Evil.
13. Sebarial
Cons: The very second beverage service starts he's all, "Bring me a BOTTLE of wine" and you're like, "Oh no. It's one of those dudes who gets way too drunk on planes!"
Pros: You know? This guy actually seems pretty jolly and chill. You catch yourself thinking, "I wish I could pretend he was my uncle." You're not sure where that came from.
14. Rock
Pros: He scoffs at the provided airline snacks and gets out this thermos and gives you the best damn soup you've ever had in your life.
Cons: He's just a large, warm man. Very large. Very warm. Not his fault, of course, but now YOU are very warm.
15. Elhokar
Cons: Every time there is plane turbulence, he mutters something about how it's the assassins coming to finish the job. Poor dude must be really scared of flying.
Pros: You feel a warm, parental feeling growing in you as you look at this sad, scared man. Maybe your mom was right. Maybe you WOULD be good with kids.
16. Eshonai
Pros: This lady is, just, SO excited to be traveling that it can't help but make YOU excited to travel. Like, you always thought plane travel sucked, especially budget airline travel, be she is so delighted by everything that you find yourself thinking, "You know, it IS pretty amazing that we're soaring through the sky right now traveling to a new land."
Cons: Cons? No cons. You wish you could ALWAYS see flying through this woman's eyes.
#cosmere#cosmerelists#Kaladin#stormlight archives#Shallan#Adolin#Szeth#Dalinar#Taravangian#Amaram#Sebarial#Eshonai#Rock#Renarin#Wit#Hoid#Jasnah#Zahel#Lift
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What Car Cosmere Characters Would Drive
As requested by @salted-watermelon :)
If Cosmere characters were instead carsmere characters and, like, drove cars, what kind of car would best suit them? (Don't worry--I got my butch wife to help with this post.)
1. Straff Venture: A cybertruck
The worst of cars for the worst of men.
2. Elend: A Prius
Elend decides to get an environmentally conscious, gas-saving vehicle partly because he cares about the planet, but mostly because it makes his dad SO mad.
3. Kaladin: A beat-up old Corolla
Kaladin's car may be a bit old and it may be a bit beat-up but storms if it isn't the most dependable thing ever. No matter what that car goes through, it just keeps chugging along.
4. Adolin: A Mustang
Get it? Because it's a car with a horse on it!
5. Shallan: A VW Bug
"What's an artsy car for Shallan?" I asked. "How about a Bug?" said my wife. "That's perfect!" I cried. "Shallan LOVES bugs because cremlings is bugs!"
And that is my story.
6. Wax: A Bentley...and also a beat-up old pickup truck
In true Wax style, he drives the Bentley in the Roughs but uses the old beat-up pickup truck in the city, especially when driving to fancy parties.
7. Steris: A Volvo
According to a google search, a Volvo is a car for someone dependable, boring, and safety-conscious. Steris is not actually a boring person, of course, but she would definitely have a boring-person car. Not to mention one that is very safe!
8. Eshonai: A Jeep
A good car for exploring!
9. Lightsong: Rolls Royce
He doesn't drive it anywhere. It mostly just sits there and looks beautiful.
10. Vasher: A mangled Dodge Charger
The car looks a lot like Vasher himself--like it's been through centuries of wear and tear. But hey, it works! Sorta.
11. Leshwi: A Motorcycle
Basically I thought about Leshwi riding a motorcycle and then I passed out.
12. Allrianne: Mini Coop
Apparently these are the girliest of cars. And in Allrianne's case, it's definitely pink!
13. Tress: Takes the bus
In no universe does Tress have a car, I feel. Taking the bus is fine!
14. Raboniel: Subaru
Leading, of course, to the classic exchange:
Raboniel: I drive a Subaru.
Navani: 👀 👀 👀
15. Dalinar: A Minivan
Doesn't it just feel right? The other Highlords may scoff at his stodgy old car, and Sadeas might bitterly remind Dalinar of his Hummer days, but a minivan is just the best for Dad-inar. He can drive all his kids around, it has lots of room for storage, and it's so dependable!
A minivan is just where it's at.
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Cosmere Characters: Would They Be Good at Pulling Pranks?
Yesterday was April 1, aka April Fools Day, a holiday that encourages people to pull pranks. So that got me wondering: if such a holiday existed in the Cosmere, would various Cosmere characters be good at this whole "pranking" thing?
1. Syl: Yes, but only of one type
Syl is a prankster in canon: she likes to stick things together! Your shoes to your floor, your hand to your spear, your butt to your chair...so yes, she is great at pranks. I bet if April Fool's Day existed in the Cosmere, she would be an absolute menace.
2. Lopen: Depends on who you ask...
I think Lopen's pranks would be like his jokes: not intended to be mean, but actually kinda mean. In Dawnshard, Lopen came to learn that his jokes were not universally fun and beloved, and I feel like his journey with pranks would necessarily be similar. He'd love pulling them, though!
3. Wayne: Yes, and everyone has fun
Sanderson once said that the difference between Lopen & Wayne is that Wayne can read the room. So I think Wayne would not only like pranks, but would also be more aware of their effect. Like...if Lopen is tying your shoelaces together when you're late for work, Wayne is putting googly eyes (which he invented) on all of your family photos while you're out.
4. Sarene: Yes (mostly against Iadon)
Sarene, Miss Malicious-compliance-and-weaponizer-of-other-people's-misogyny, would love an excuse to "accidentally" prank Iadon. She'd either do really obvious pranks and blame them on feminine confusion ("Oh dear I just wanted to clean but I guess washing your portrait ruined it??") or do really sneaky pranks that no one could trace back to her (cut to Sarene secretly weakening the seams on all of Iadon's clothing so that a good sneeze will make them all fall off).
5. Kaladin: Not anymore
We know that in canon Kaladin pulled pranks as a kid--he told Tien to save a lurg to dump in their dad's bath later. But I feel like nowadays, Kaladin is too gloomy and glowering to pull pranks. He might just enjoy Syl's sometimes though...
6. Steris: Maybe they're just not the most creative...
I think that if a Pranking Holiday existed, Steris would study up and do a textbook prank. Like, she's replacing Wax's sugar bowl with salt, and then he drinks a sip of salty coffee, and then she says, "Ah ha! You have been Pranked per the Social Conventions of today's Holiday!" And Wax would be genuinely delighted.
7. Dalinar: No--not at any point in his life
Blackthorn Dalinar would think a prank is "stabbing a guy in the leg and laughing." Modern-day Dalinar would be puzzled that anyone actually does pranks--aren't they, you know, kinda beneath you? The Codes would DEFINITELY not allow them.
8. Sigzil: No, too much paperwork
The Prank Authorization Form is 7 pages and takes 5 weeks for review and approval. Who has that kind of time???
9. Lift: Yes, absolutely
I can see Lift positioning buckets of water over, like, Dalinar's door or slicking the floor right as that merchant she saw yelling at kids walks by. Now--imagine Lift & Syl going on a prank spree together. You're welcome.
10. Hoid: Nobody knows
Hoid put paperclips in the pockets of every single one of Elhokar's outfits. He put edible glitter into Rock's stew, turning it into Glitter Stew. He found one of Kaladin's buttons on the ground and straight-up ate it while making direct eye contact.
But...were any of those things pranks? Were they plots? Were they just Hoid being Wit?
Nobody knows.
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Shitposts That Would Exist On Roshar If Sanderson Let Them Be Horny About Hands And Also They Had Our Internet
I apologize.
"Have you ever noticed that in men's tales women are always 'handily handling' everything? Gross."
"Is he...you know." Mimics pulling one hand inside a sleeve.
"does she have an OnlyHands???"
"Hide my safehand? Yeah, I'm gonna hide it in his pussy!!!"
"Ladies watch out for men who ask for 'just the tip' because they'll want to see the WHOLE finger next."
"We need to bring back the 'Free the Safehand' movement like now."
"We 👏 must 👏 work 👏 harder 👏 to 👏 sexualize 👏 men's 👏 hands"
"I wanna get into her safepouch if you know what I mean."
"me a lesbian walking past victoria's secret trying not to ogle the fingerless gloves"
"tumblr went downhill when 'female-presenting' hands got banned'
"pro-tip if he keeps askign for safehand picks just take a snap of the freehand 150% of the time they do not notice"
"seeing men with both hands out like okay slut"
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Ranking Various Cosmere Fantasy Swears
If there's one thing Brandon Sanderson likes, it's avoiding any real swear words in favor of Fantasy Swears. I am genuinely a huge fan of this technique. So here how I'd rank some of the ones I can remember! (And thanks to 17th Shard [here and here] and to Reddit for compiling some lists!).
#14: Colors (Warbreaker)
This one feels a little bit...lazy, I guess? Like yes, Warbreaker's magic is color-dependent, so colors are a big part of the world-building, so I guess it makes sense that people use it as a swear. But it feels like if, in fantasy USA, people swore by "eagles" all the time: "Eagles! I dropped my hamburger!"
#13: Moons (Tress of the Emerald Sea)
I mean same problem as with "colors"! Yes, the moons are a big aspect of the worldbuilding, but it just feels like a semi-boring swear. Although maybe that's just the swear that Tress tends to use.
#12: Shadows/Shades (Shadows for Silence/Sunlit Man)
Okay, maybe this one is a bit boring, but anything Threndy-related gets extra credit from me. So therefore I think this is one of the least boring of the "basically boring descriptors of world building elements" swears.
#11: By the Lord Ruler (Mistborn)
I mean...eh. This one is world specific, but it's basically like swearing by god only in this case the god is the Lord Ruler, right? It makes sense 'n' all but isn't as interesting as some of the later ones.
#10: By the Survivor's Scars (Mistborn)
This one is better because it's more specific--Kelsier's scars are rich with meaning, and swearing by them does feel like it carries cultural weight.
#9: By Harmony's Armbands (Mistborn)
Putting them all in a line like this...I just like how they get ever more specific. Now we're swearing by Harmony's feruchemical armlets? Okay!
#8: God Beyond (Shadows for Silence)
I mean, Threnody is, like, haunted by a god's corpse, so I think any of their god-related swears are more interesting as a result.
#7: Nights / Nights afire (Emperor's Soul)
I like this one because I just don't know what it refers to and it seems kinda creepy. What are nights on fire for??
#6: Rust and Ruin (Mistborn)
Frankly, the alliteration gets this one extra points. And "Rust and Ruin!" just feels like a good thing to shout when you've stubbed your toe.
#5: Storms/storming/Stormfather (Stormlight Archive)
I know this one SHOULD lose points for being exactly the sort of boring descriptive swear I maligned above...but I enjoy this one simply because it's such a clear linguistic stand-in for "fuck" and that leads to such amusing translations as "Kaladin Fuckblessed" or the "Fuckfather" and that just never stops being funny to me.
#4: Herald body parts (Stormlight Archive)
I didn't notice until looking at various compiled lists of Cosmere Fantasy Swears, but Rosharans really like to swear by specific Herald body parts, huh? From here: Kelek's breadth, Kelek's tongue, Ash's eyes, Ishar's soul, Nalan's hand, Pali's mind, Talat's hand...I'm a fan of this. It's interesting and feels culturally relevant.
#3: Glories Within (Stormlight Archive)
This one is just Szeth so far, but people speculate it's probably a Shin curse. That makes it interesting to me since we don't know a whole lot about the Shin. What inner glory are they using to swear?
#2: Starving (Stormlight Archive)
This one is pretty similar to "Storming," I suppose, in being a pretty clear linguistic stand-in for "fucking." But I just like that the food-obsessed Lift has her own personal swear relating to starvation.
#1: Lowly/Highly (Yumi and the Nightmare Painter)
I'm a big fan of the lowly/highly thing from Yumi & the Nightmare Painter, where words can be linguistically marked as meant in either a high way (complimentary) or a low way (insultingly). It's fun worldbuilding and leads to some comic beats in the novel. Plus, this post tickled me greatly: https://www.tumblr.com/cabinetcreature/722030379790401536?source=share. It's so true!
#cosmere#cosmerelists#Stormlight Archive#Warbreaker#Mistborn#Sunlit Man#Tress of the Emerald Sea#Yumi and the Nightmare Painter#Shadows for Silence#Emperor's Soul
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Cosmere Characters Do Their Taxes
It was just Tax Day in the US! Let's say that Cosmere characters had to pay taxes. How would that go for them?
Sigzil: Knows the tax code inside and out. Saves his receipts. Is basically the IRS's dream guy.
Hoid: Does not pay taxes. This is canon.
Kelsier: Does not pay taxes. This feels canon.
Marasi: Always pays her taxes.
Vivenna: Always pays her taxes.
Denth: Sure talks a lot about how complicated mercenary taxes are but if you listen carefully, he never actually says he did them...
Nale: Rigorously follows the tax code of whatever country he is in.
Wyndle: Claims Lift as a dependent. Reports all illegally acquired income at fair market value, as the tax code requires.
Lightsong: Does not pay taxes because he's, like, a god. But it's always bothered him, somewhere in the back of his mind, for some reason...
Adolin: Cheerfully hires someone else to do his taxes, at least so long as he's single.
Shallan: Does her own taxes, Sebarial's taxes, and Adolin's taxes post-marriage.
Steris & Wax: Do their taxes together. Romantically.
Wayne: Gives so much money to charity that he never owes any taxes. Orders his accountants to find a way for him to pay taxes anyway.
Straff: Does not pay taxes in the way rich people don't pay taxes--through, like, legal loopholes and off-shore accounts and shit
Elend: Rewrites the tax code to pay more taxes.
Lirin: Committed tax fraud. But only once.
Taravangian: Is not allowed to file his taxes when he is too stupid--because he cries about how confusing it is--or when he's too smart--because he's too good at finding all of the super obvious tax loopholes and anyway he's obviously way better than the government at knowing how to spend his own money!
Painter: Got in trouble once for not filing taxes because he knew he didn't make enough to owe any taxes. Seemed kinda stupid to him.
Moash: Makes an ethical argument against taxes, since the tax laws are written to benefit the rich and screw over the poor and he has no control over what the government uses his taxes for.
Kaladin: Is torn between paying his taxes like Dalinar ordered or not paying his taxes since he promised Moash he wouldn't until he finally files his taxes at, like, midnight on tax day
It's a whole thing.
#cosmere#cosmerelists#Sigzil#Hoid#Kelsier#Marasi#Vivenna#Denth#nale#Wyndle#Lightsong#Adolin#Shallan#Steris#Wax#Wayne#Straff#Elend#Lirin#Taravangian#Painter#Moash#Kaladin
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Cosmere Characters in the Hunger Games
As requested by @sweetteaanddragons :)
I haven't read or watched Hunger Games, but I've picked up enough through cultural osmosis...I hope. They're kids in an arena fighting to the death, right? And it's a media circus? And there are 12 districts? And they're poor? I think I got it! Anyway, let's stick Cosmere characters in that arena and see how they do!
By the way, for the most part I'm imagining these characters in their own separate hunger games, not all together, just because I didn't want to imagine all of my blorbos killing each other.
1. Kaladin
After a kid who looks just like Tien literally dies in Kaladin's arms (note: all of the kids look exactly like Tien so far as Kaladin is concerned), Kaladin realizes that the Hunger Games are about kids dying, not about kids surviving. He decides that he has to save everyone, and quickly builds a coalition with the other tributes. They all die anyway and Kaladin wins.
He's not happy about it.
2. Shallan
Sadly, Shallan dies while trying unsuccessfully to convince a stick to become fire. Technically, I think this means the stick wins, but they give the award to some kid instead, for some reason.
3. Adolin
Adolin was doing really well until FOUR other tributes all decided to gang up on him. Even then, he fought like an uncaged tiger and very nearly survived. Nearly. (Hey, uh, most characters die in Hunger Games, right?)
4. Vin
Vin slices through the competition like a vengeful god. Emphasis on vengeful. And god. She barely even lets herself get distracted by the weird love triangle between that guy who wants to make the world better and the one who wants to burn it all down. She's too busy, like, killing everyone.
5. Zane
Zane thinks it's pretty swell to be in this killing arena killing people. What isn't swell is that Vin isn't into him, even AFTER their romantic killing spree. What gives? Anyway. Vin kills him.
6. Elend
Elend has a lot of thoughts about the sociological implications of the games. He does not have a lot of thoughts about how to sharpen a stick into a crude spear and ram it through someone's chest. (Is that what happens in the Hunger Games?) Regardless, I don't think he makes it long... Sorry, Elend.
7. Spook
Spook is a wraith. No one ever sees him coming. Or sees him at all. He keeps receiving supplies and weapons from a mysterious benefactor. At one point he starts wearing a handkerchief over his eyes and killing people by sound alone. I don't really see him winning, tbh (sorry Spook), but he is definitely a crowd favorite who makes it super far.
8. Szeth
"To kill innocent children for the amusement of distant viewers blackens my soul with a stain that shall never be removed. Oh, how I hate this. Oh, how I hate this senseless, senseless killing," Szeth thinks to himself as he constructs an unnecessarily elaborate death trap that kills his opponents horribly. "No one suffers like me," Szeth thinks, over all of the screaming.
9. Renarin
Hey remember when Renarin killed a Thunderclast mostly off-screen? Plus he has future sight. If they've got their powers in this game, then Radiant Renarin is probably taking it all. If not, well...let's not go there.
10. Vivenna
After her sister is sent as a tribute in Vivenna's place, Vivenna enters the Hunger Games anyway, determined to somehow put a stop to them. For example, she takes all the food she can find and hides it in one place so that it will be safe for everyone. She figures out how to predict supply drops to ensure that she always gets to them first. While convinced that she is the Hunger Games Breaker, she is actually the season's most notorious villain and eventually everyone bands together to kill her. Sorry, Vivenna.
11. Kelsier
Kelsier wins the hearts of viewers everywhere, mostly due to his determination to keep smiling no matter what horrors he must survive. He's, like, really good at killing people also. The Survivor, people call him. But when he is shockingly cut down and killed, his death galvanizes a rebellion against, uh, President Snow? Is that the big bad? Anyway. There's a religion about him now.
12. Ann
Oh, Ann. So excited to shoot guns. (Do they have guns?) So excited to shoot bows and arrows maybe. But she can't shoot worth a damn. She has a splendid time and hits no one. And, well, she does not win.
13. Cord
Frankly, Cord wants to win and bring glory and money (?) back home to her people, who desperately need it. I'm assuming the districts get stuff if their person wins. Cord is in it to win it. And she's awfully good with that bow and arrow...
14. Lift
Man, I don't want Lift to be in the Hunger Games! Lift thinks killing is lazy and boring! Sure, she'd be great at hiding in trees and getting food, but I definitely do not see Lift actually being able to kill anyone. Is that allowed? Will she be disqualified?
15. Tress
Tress looks at the Death Arena Whose Purpose Is Death and says, "But is anyone gonna Make Friends about it" and doesn't wait for an answer. Somehow, by the end, basically everyone IS friends. Except for that one person who really did want to kill. But she and Tress went off together and only Tress returned. So.
Basically, Tress's influence ruins the Hunger Games that year. Nobody wants the Friendship Games.
#Cosmere#Cosmerelists#Kaladin#Adolin#Shallan#Vin#Elend#Spook#Zane#Lift#Tress#Vivenna#Kelsier#Szeth#Ann#Renarin#Cord
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Cosmere Characters: Should They Be At The Club?
As I think I've mentioned, I write these lists a couple months in advance, usually. So I don't know if the great "They should be at the club!" meme is still going strong, or if people will see this and be all, "Bah! That's SO 2023!" But eh.
So anyway, should Cosmere characters be at the club?
1. Dalinar
Dalinar should not be at the club. Dalinar would not understand the club, and he would not like the club.
2. Sadeas
Weirdly, I think Sadeas would understand the club better than Dalinar would, but he still should not be there. Sadeas's presence would make the club worse, no matter how fashionable he is.
3. Tress
Tress was only eighteen! She should have been at the club, although the club would probably be less exciting than her life at sea.
4. MeLaan
MeLaann is only, uh, thousands of years old (I think) but she should ABSOLUTELY be at the club. She would love the club, and the club would love her too.
5. Rlain
Has Rlain ever NOT been having a tough time? He deserves a wild night at the club with Renarin, and I'm sticking with that.
6. Vivenna
Vivenna was only twenty-two when she was supposed to be sent to marry the god-king. Yes, she should have been at the club instead. She would hate it, though. She would hate it so much.
7. Painter
Painter should get to be at a club lurking in a corner, drinking vodka on the rocks because it sounds tough and wishing it didn't taste so much like rubbing alcohol.
8. Hoid
Hoid should not be at the club. He's very old and also, no one at the club would be able to hear what he was saying and that would make Hoid sad.
9. Demoux
Demoux was in his early twenties when Kelsier's rebellion was going on. He 100% should have been at the club instead. He's named after a friend of Brandon's and Brandon said he'd survive and "get a girl" apparently and those are both things that can happen at a club.
10. Lift
Lift should not be at the club. Isn't she like 13? That's too young for the club.
11. Kaladin
Kaladin should be at the club. Adolin will have to drag him there, though, and he will spend much of the time looking glowery.
12. Ulaam
Ulaam should not go to the club because drunk people cannot consent to giving up their body parts (even after death) and Ulaam knows that and it would make him sad to see all of those beautiful elbows or what-not and not even be able to ASK for them.
13. Sebarial
Sebarial should not be at the club--he should be home drinking with Palona. He would own clubs, though, if he could.
14. Hrathen
Hrathen should not be at the club. He would definitely kill the vibe.
15. Szeth
Szeth is like 35 years old. He should not be at the club. He should be wrapped in a warm blanket and placed somewhere quiet, peaceful.
16. Moash
Yes--at any point in the narrative you can look at what Moash is going through and say, "Would it be better for him to be at the club right now?" and the answer is always yes.
#cosmere#cosmerelists#Dalinar#Sadeas#MeLaan#Kaladin#Lift#Demoux#Moash#Szeth#Hrathen#Tress#Sebarial#Hoid#Vivenna#Rlain#Ulaam#Painter#By the way I am older than Szeth don't @ me
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What Your Preferred Kaladin Ship Says About You
[Minor spoilers for Stormlight]
Can the ships you like and/or write fanfiction for and/or read fanfiction for reveal something about you? Let’s say the answer is yes--what might your preferred Kaladin ship(s) say about you?
1. Kaladin x Shallan
That scene in the chasms really got to you. You want to see two broken people raise each other up, preferably with a good helping of snark. Either that, or your love language is boot-stealing.
2. Kaladin x Adolin
You like a good rivals-to-lovers relationship, and you have a slight humiliation kink--it’s why you find yourself reading “bridgeboy” as romantic.
3. Kaladin x Adolin x Shallan
Unlike Brandon Sanderson, you are no coward.
4. Kaladin x Moash
You enjoy suffering.
Or perhaps you just wish Sanderson hadn’t dropped the whole “the Alethi social system needs to burn” angle and still had Kaladin fighting against the system alongside Moash.
Which is to say--you enjoy suffering.
5. Kaladin x Lezian
You also enjoy suffering. The suffering of the characters, that is.
6. Kaladin x Lyn
Your ship was canon, but oh how briefly. I have to assume you write/read fix-it fanfic.
7. Kaladin x Lewshi
You love a good, respectful, enemies to lovers slowburn. You say things like, “It’s about the yearning.”
8. Kaladin x Renarin
I think you are probably a sweet person who wants only the best for your ships. You may have done a lot of research into epilepsy and how a fantasy doctor would talk about it.
10. Kaladin x Elhokar
I assume you are the type of person who says things like, “I want to put this man into a mason jar and shake him vigorously.”
11. Kaladin x Szeth
You probably have high hopes for the Shinover field trip.
12. Kaladin x Rlain
You’d like to see these men explore their emotions...and presumably each other’s bodies.
13. Kaladin x Jasnah
You said “ace rights” and meant it with your whole chest.
14. Kaladin x Dalinar
You wish that a big strong man would look you in the eye and say in his deep, manly voice, “Your job is bad for your mental health. Quit right now. That is not a suggestion.”
15. Kaladin x Sleep
You just want to wrap Kaladin in a warm blanket until he feels better.
That is to say, you love crack ships.
#cosmerelists#cosmere#kaladin#stormlight archive#Shallan#Adolin#Moash#Elhokar#Renarin#Rlain#Jasnah#Dalinar#Szeth#Lewshi#Lyn#Lezian
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Kaladin asks: “Would you still love me if I was a cremling?”
“Would you still love me if I was a worm” is a meme. But on Roshar, of course, they’d ask the question using cremlings, not worms. So let’s say that Kaladin asked his friends this very important question. How would they reply?
1. Adolin
Adolin: Sure, I don’t see why not!
Adolin: Can I give you a tiny, cremling-sized sword?
Adolin: It’d be pretty cute!
2. Renarin
Renarin: [considering]
Renarin: Yes, I believe so.
Renarin: So long as I knew it was you, I don’t see why my view of you would change.
Adolin: ...now I feel a little bad about my flippant cremling-sword answer.
Renarin: Nah, that would be cute.
3. Shallan
Shallan: Oooh, so you’d be a cremling with human intelligence?
Shallan: I could make you a shalebark habitat, and then have you describe the symbiotic relationship from the cremling perspective!
Shallan: Plus, you could tell me about what tastes good, whether you feel artistic...
Kaladin: I’m not sure I like the glint in your eye...
Shallan: I might love you more.
4. Moash
Moash: “Just a cremling” they’d say. “We can definitely kill him now.”
Moash: But no.
Moash: I know you’d still be unkillable.
Moash: You’d be the most overpowered radiant cremling ever.
Kaladin: Is that a yes, or...?
5. Teft
Teft: Of course, lad.
Teft: Shouldn’t be too hard to find some way for me to become a cremling too.
Kaladin: Uh...you don’t need to be a cremling in this thought experiment.
Teft: I’m your lieutenant, aren’t I?
6. Zahel
Zahel: No.
Zahel: Toss you out. Let nature take its course.
Kaladin: You, uh, know it’s still me, right? Just in cremling-shape?
Zahel: I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
7. Rlain
Rlain: Hmmm....yes.
Rlain: In fact, I think I would love you more.
Rlain: You’d finally have a shell!
8. Navani & Dalinar
Navani: Of course we would. I’ll even make you a little glyph board to crawl over to tell me all of your cremling thoughts.
Navani: Perhaps you could write the first book from the cremling perspective.
Navani: Men write now, so all bets are off.
Dalinar: But you are not allowed to call your book The Way of Cremlings. I will not allow it.
Navani: Dalinar, please! The man’s a cremling!
Kaladin: ...I feel like you guys might be making fun of me.
9. Lirin & Hesina
Hesina: You know I would, Kaladin.
Hesina: I’d give you a nice cremling habitat with a nice high rock for you to sit on.
Kaladin: Thanks, mom.
Lirin: At the very least, you’d take care of wounded cremlings, right?
Kaladin: D-Dad?!
Lirin: Gotta do something with your cremling life.
10. Lewshi
Lewshi: I would continue to respect you as a warrior.
Lewshi: However, I do not think we could duel anymore.
Kaladin: You don’t think?
Lewshi: Well, I know not to make assumptions when it comes to you.
11. Rock
Rock: ...
Rock: Tell me this. Are you the delicious type of cremling?
Kaladin: Y-You’d eat me?!
Rock: ...
Rock: Think of the fine stew!
Kaladin: NO
12. Syl
Syl: ...
Syl: ...
Syl: ...
Kaladin: Uh, are you okay, Syl?
Syl: (whispering) Tiny, glowing cremling with a sword!
Syl: S-So cute!
Adolin: That’s what I was saying!
Kaladin: ...
Kaladin: Why did I think this was a good idea?
#cosmere#cosmerelists#stormlight archive#Kaladin#Adolin#Renarin#Shallan#Teft#Rlain#Moash#Dalinar#Navani#Lirin#Rock#Hesina#Syl#lewshi#Zahel
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Shallan & Adolin play "Fuck, Marry, Kill" (And also Kaladin is there)
Not gonna lie, I could see Adolin & Shallan playing FMK if it, you know, existed. Meanwhile, Kaladin is NOT playing but he sure is unwillingly at the same table in the bar.
By thew way, I'll be picking Stormlight characters using my random number generator for this!
1. Teft, Skar, Mraize
Shallan: Well, I'm obviously killing Mraize, marrying Teft, and fucking Skar.
Adolin: Yes...definitely killing Mraize. But I think I'm marrying Skar and fucking Teft, not gonna lie.
Shallan: Kaladin what about you?
Kaladin: I-I told you I'm not playing!
2. Taravangian, Sadeas, Veil
Adolin: ...
Adolin: I mean...do I even have to say it?
Adolin: Kill Sadeas, obviously, and I guess I marry Veil. Uh...
Shallan: So...one hot night with Taravangian then?
Kaladin: W-Why are you guys even playing this??
3. Raboniel, Moash, Elhokar
Shallan: Fuck Raboniel, kill Moash, marry Elhokar.
Adolin: I can't fuck or marry my cousin, so uh...
Adolin: I guess I'm...fucking Moash and marrying Raboniel?
Adolin: Not feeling great about this one, I gotta be honest.
Shallan: Definitely worked out better for me.
Kaladin: I have trauma???
4. Cord, Nale, Jasnah
Adolin: ...Maybe I'll start skipping the ones that contain my actual family members?
Shallan: Oh man, killing Nale is easy, but...
Shallan: Fuck Jasnah or marry Jasnah...
Shallan: ...
Kaladin: (Isn't she zoning out for a bit too long?)
Adolin: Eh.
Shallan: FUCK JASNAH AND MARRY CORD
Shallan: Love Jasnah. Think I'd die if I married her.
Shallan: Cord seems very stable and loving.
Adolin: I support you and these choices.
Kaladin: ...I have never understood you two.
5. Sigzil, Kaladin, Moash
Adolin & Shallan (simultaneously): Marry Kaladin.
Adolin & Shallan (simultaneously): Fuck Sigzil.
Adolin & Shallan (simultaneously): Kill Moash.
Kaladin: DID YOU REHEARSE THAT?!
6. Shallan, Lirin, Szeth
Adolin: I get to marry Shallan! :D
Adolin: I can't kill Kaladin's dad, so I guess I'm fucking him and then killing Szeth.
Kaladin: (Is that better?)
Shallan: Well I'm marrying Kaladin's dad--you can call me "Mom" now--and I can't marry him if I'm dead, so I guess I'm killing Szeth and fucking myself.
Kaladin: (puts his head in his hands)
7. Amaram, Kadash, Sebarial
Kaladin: KILL AMARAM
Kaladin: I'M NOT MARRYING A FUCKING HIGHPRINCE SO I GUESS I'M MARRYING KADASH
Kaladin: WHICH MEANS A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH SEBARIAL APPARENTLY
Shallan: ...
Adolin: ...
Kaladin: ...
Shallan: W-We're so proud of you!
Adolin: All of your choices are valid!
Kaladin: CAN WE PLEASE JUST GET BACK TO DRINKING NOW
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Cosmere Valentine's Day Poems
Yes, it is a day early, but there is no breaking with my ironclad posting schedule (*coughs*). Anyway, if you need to flirt with someone, perhaps you can take inspiration from these highly romantic, character-specific Valentine's Day poems?
1. Adolin
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've shat myself in Shardplate.
Does that do it for you?
2. Vin
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'd fight monsters and armies,
or even gods for you.
3. Siri
Roses are red
My hair--any hue
But it sure does glow brightly
When I am with you
4. Dalinar
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The most important step
Is the next one with you
5. Hoid
Roses are red
(If the tales are true)
Let's write our own story
About me and you
6. Charlie
Roses are red
(A groundskeeper would know!)
You're like a pair of gloves,
that is--I love you, you know
7. Jasnah
Roses can be red
Violets sometimes blue
I'm a Veristitalian
And truth is--I'd date you.
8. Kelsier
Ashmounts burn red
A smile has power
In a world of gray ash
Will you be my flower?
9. Kaladin (written by my wife :))
Roses are red
Lightning is zappy
Maybe with you
I'll finally be happy.
10. Painter
Roses are red
Nightmares are black
My love for you is greater
Than the tallest rock stack!
11. Steris (written by my wife :))
Roses are red
The stars are above
I never put a plan together
For falling in love
12. Pattern
Sixteen is even
Eleven is odd
Do you want to go out
with a sliver of god?
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