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stovetuna · 4 years

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This is for @bardingbeedle who yelled at me in the tags and then on messenger and ultimately inspired me to write some “lorge soft steve” and tbh who am I to refuse. (also high-key inspired by this masterpiece of fanart I RBed [again] earlier today)

(takes place shortly after the events of Avengers Assemble episode 2x07, aka the best fic none of us ever wrote)

(heed the READ MORE!)

***

Tony is hustling from one meeting to the next, all but literally running into the kitchen for a cup of afternoon coffee, when he spies Steve Rogers bent over the communal living room coffee table. That in and of itself isn’t exactly outside the realm of normal Steve Rogers activities—the man does love a good brood, even if he won’t admit it and doesn’t do it as often as he used to.

But Tony wracks his brain for possible reasons why Steve would be hunched up around the shoulders like he’s expecting a body blow any minute and keeps coming up empty. Not even fresh coffee makes his synapses fire faster. Did they forget his birthday? Impossible. Did someone send Captain America hate mail? Uh, doubly impossible, especially because Tony’s got lawyers screening their mail for that kind of stuff (they’ve got more than enough pressure in their day-to-day lives, time-slip dinosaurs and age regressions notwithstanding).

Maybe Steve found a piece of upsetting news, or some fact of modern history that isn’t sitting well with him? That’s a lot more likely.

Before he can remind himself that Pepper’s waiting in his office to put him on a call with the president of MIT—something about a commencement speech, if memory serves—Tony is sauntering into the living room, nonchalant, tongue already prickling with some smart remark. He’s got it all written out in his head like a perfect line of code up until the moment he’s standing in front of Steve and sees the expression on his face.

“Whoa, who ran over your puppy?”

Tony winces, wishing for the millionth time that his mouth and his brain could work together simultaneously, but no. Worse, Steve doesn’t even answer him—he just frowns harder, if that’s even possible, and folds in on himself like his shoulders alone don’t take up half the length of the massive couch. Tony lowers the hand holding his coffee and blinks.

“Steve?”

“Oh!” Steve jumps upright, and quick as a flash moves something vaguely folder-shaped behind his back. “Tony! I didn’t hear you walk in—don’t you have a meeting right now?”

Something in Tony’s chest squeezes at the sight of that smile and at Steve’s impeccable attention to detail. But really, ever since the incident with the Time Stone, when he’d jolted back into his adult body and come to in Steve’s arms, he’s felt completely knocked off-balance. Now everything about Steve Rogers—the man, not the superhero—is a revelation. Every smile, every word, every look has Tony tripping over his own feet, tongue, thoughts. He may be back in his adult body, but he’s never felt more like a prepubescent teenager with a crush, fidgeting in place under Steve’s gaze.

“It got postponed,” he lies, because whatever has put that pinch between Steve’s eyebrows is way more important right now. “What’s up?”

“Nothing!” Steve replies, too loud and too quickly. Tony gives him a look. Steve flushes, shrinking in on himself even further, like he wants the couch to devour him. “Uh, nothing important. Just an anniversary I forgot about.”

Now it’s Tony’s turn to frown. He likes to think he’s got a solid mental calendar of important dates for all of his teammates memorized at this point—Natasha’s move-in, Bruce’s lab incident, Sam’s SHIELD acceptance, Steve being found in the ice—but none of those are today.

“Got room for one more?” Tony asks, nodding at the scant space next to Steve on the couch when the man gives him a questioning look. Steve’s cheeks immediately go a charming shade of pink, which churns the coffee in Tony’s empty stomach with a vengeance. Steve shifts to press himself against the arm as Tony moves to sit down next to him, almost crushing the folder Steve had hidden earlier in the process. There’s a gasp, and a lightning-quick hand, and then Steve, pale and breathless, is holding a manila folder against his chest like it’s the secret to the Super Soldier Serum.

It’s weird—Tony knows Steve trusts him, and vice versa. They wouldn’t have solved the riddle of the Time Stone if they didn’t trust each other. So to sit next to Steve, who’s gone from morose to terrified in the three minutes since Tony walked into the room and feel a wall between them is jarring. And upsetting. He’s only been nursing this crush for a few days, and Steve’s not that perceptive…is he? Maybe he is. Maybe this is Steve weeding out Tony’s feelings before they’ve even had a chance to grow.

Tony shakes his head at the thought. No, Steve’s a lot of things, but cruel isn’t one of them.

“Care to share with the class?” he asks, gently so he doesn’t spook Steve. It seems to work: Steve relaxes, tension falling from his shoulders as he eases into Tony’s presence. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, but keeps the folder pressed securely against his sternum. Tony tries hard not to steal a glance at the way Steve’s shirt pulls across his broad, thick chest as he breathes.

“It’s nothing.”

“Cap, if it was nothing, you wouldn’t be trying to Honey-I-Shrunk-Myself into the couch right now.”

Steve Rogers in active wear doesn’t cut quite the same figure as Steve Rogers in full Captain America regalia, it’s true, but that doesn’t mean he’s small. Like this, he’s just as large and has just as much presence as he does in uniform; it’s just…more human. Less Captain, more Steve. Both are devastating in their own way, but only Steve—friendly, blushing, awkward, unassuming Steve—makes Tony acutely aware of the distance between their bodies, down to the last electrified hair.

Catching his own breath, Tony puts his full mug on the coffee table and drops his hands into his lap, turning his head to watch Steve chew on whatever words are fighting to come out. Be patient, he tells himself. Whatever this is, Steve’s struggling with it, and Tony can have some tact when he wants to.

Finally, Steve closes his eyes and sighs. When he lowers his hands, the folder goes with them. Tony glances at the cover and almost swallows his tongue.

“Is that—?” Steve makes a noncommittal sound, like a ‘yes’ but softer, uncertain, like he’s not sure Tony’s reaction is a good one. Tony swallows his excitement with a wince. “Is that the Project Rebirth file? I told Fury to give it to you a long time ago, but I wasn’t sure he did.”

Tony is so preoccupied looking at the folder he doesn’t hear Steve’s gasp or notice his eyes lock onto him. “He did,” Steve replies quietly after a pause. “But that’s isn’t…that’s not what this is about.”

That’s kind of a surprise. The sudden appearance of the Project Rebirth file would explain Steve’s face and body language, but if it’s not that…

Steve hands the entire folder over to Tony without another word.

“Uh,” Tony gapes, too awestruck to achieve any kind of higher brain function.

“Look at the date,” Steve says. It’s not an order, just a gentle request, but it doesn’t prevent a shiver from rippling down the length of Tony’s spine. If he was hyperaware of the space between their bodies before, it’s even worse now with Steve leaning every-so-slightly toward him and reaching out a hand to point directly at the date written on the faded label.

22 June 1943

Tony blinks. “It’s the anniversary…of you?” He opens the folder without a second thought, and the first thing he sees is a picture of Steve. There are other things in the file—sheaves of what look like medical reports, heavily redacted memos, and carbon copies of typed letters—but the only thing Tony can focus on is Steven Grant Rogers circa 1943. The Steven Grant Rogers of before.

He’s touching the photo before he can stop himself, being so, so careful as he traces the narrow shape of the man in the photograph while the real, supersized thing sits next to him.

“It’s the first time I’ve really had a chance to sit and think about what it was like, before,” Steve says, unprompted. “Everything happened so fast once I got the serum, I didn’t have time to just…take it all in. And then I went into the ice and—well. You know the rest.”

All skin and bones, this man, back then. But the jut of his jaw is the same; the serum didn’t change that, or the flinty stubbornness in Steve’s eyes, or the proud set of his shoulders, just daring the world to try and fuck with him. Tony smiles—Steve before the serum is like a matchstick, short and thin and always one spark away from bursting into flame. He really didn’t change a bit.

When Tony finally looks up from the photo (not gazing, of course not), he sees Steve’s expression has gone pinched again, his arms now crossed in front of his chest.

“Alright, there’s that face again. Out with it, Cap.”

Steve really shouldn’t bite his lip—it’s bad for Tony’s health. But Tony’s comment does get him to smile a little bit, which is good. “I guess…it’s been over seventy years since I got the serum, but most days I still feel like that skinny guy in the picture.” Tony watches him as he speaks, taking in the faraway look in Steve’s eyes, the shrinking posture, the downward turn of his mouth—who says I can’t be observant, Tony thinks—and wishes he and Steve were the kind of friends who hugged outside of catastrophic cosmic events. God knows it looks like Steve could use one, as wound up and tense as he is right now.

“I’ve broken so many things by accident because I keep forgetting I’m this, now,” he says, gesturing broadly at himself with one hand. Frowning, Steve uses that same hand to brace his forehead, elbow dropping down onto his thigh. The man is the picture of misery, and Tony aches to comfort him. It’s a physical pull in the pit of his stomach, urgent and needy—like if he doesn’t get his arms around Steve Rogers right this second, something important inside him is going to malfunction.

Tony shoves his hands under his thighs and nods. “Dr. Erskine could turn you into a super soldier,” he says softly, “but he couldn’t erase the first 27 years of your life.” He doesn’t speak his next thought aloud—that if there was in fact a way to erase those years, Tony would have signed up for the very first clinical trial. It’s a grim thought, and not something Steve needs to hear right now, but it’s been on Tony’s mind ever since his brief return to adolescence, and it’s a hard one to shake.

But what Steve heard seems to help. He peeks at Tony through his fingers and swallows loud enough even Tony can hear it.

“Yeah,” he rasps, “something like that.”

“What else?”

“What?”

“What else is bugging you? About this?”

Steve lowers his hand and stares at Tony. Stares. It’s such a feeling, being stared at by Steve Rogers, Tony can feel the heat climbing up from underneath his t-shirt. Even the arc reactor feels a bit warmer in his chest.

“How could you tell?”

“You’re still doing your level-best impression of a Shrinky Dink, Cap,” Tony replies. “Kind of hard not to notice.”

“I have no idea what that is,” Steve laughs, a hoarse, dry sound, “but you’re not wrong. I guess…I don’t know. It’s hard to put into words.”

“Try.”

Seriously, when Steve looks at him like that—like he did when Tony soared through the air as Iron Kid, all awe and pride and warmth—Tony feels capable of anything. Anything. He’d bottle that feeling, if he could, just like he’d bottle the color of Steve’s hair in the afternoon light coming in through the living room windows right now, all warm, pale yellows shot through with gold. If the photo in the file were in full color, Tony would bet his fortune Steve’s hair would be the same shade it is now.

Because Steve Rogers has always been perfect. Damn him.

“I still feel small,” Steve says, and any thoughts of hair and perfection derail abruptly. Looking into the middle-distance past his nose, he continues, “I don’t fit in this body. That doesn’t make sense, but—it’s like the super soldier is a mold, and I’m just there rattling around inside it, too small to fit. Does that—does that make any sense?” He looks at Tony imploringly, begging him with his eyes to understand. Tony feels that tug again, worse now, to wrap his arms around Steve and hold him tight. Call it returning the favor for the other day with the Time Stone, call it acting on his crush, whatever.

No one so large has ever looked as small as Steve Rogers does right now.

“It does,” Tony croaks.

“Really?”

“Really. I mean, how do you think I feel inside the suit?”

Steve makes a sound at that—not a whimper, not a gasp, but something hovering between the two that splits Tony’s heart right down the middle. “I never thought of it that way,” he whispers. “But that’s it. That’s exactly it.” Visible relief fills Steve’s lungs and makes his entire body go lax, leaning closer to Tony in the process. Tony, of course, is hyperaware of Steve’s size—everyone except Thor and Hulk is small compared to him—but now he’s equally aware of who’s operating the Cap-suit, so to speak.

“The only difference is, I can take my super-suit off,” Tony says, pinching the underside of his own thigh to cut off a laugh—Steve hasn’t seen The Incredibles yet—and continues, “you can’t. That’s bound to make a guy feel uncomfortable, even you, Mr. ‘I can handle anything you throw at me.’” He elbows Steve a little, good-naturedly, for emphasis, and gets a full, beautiful smile for his efforts.

God. Skinny or huge, Steve Rogers is gorgeous. It really shouldn’t be allowed.

“Yeah, good point.” Face still split by a smile—I put that there, Tony preens—Steve leans against the back of the couch and sighs. “There are things I miss, though. About being small. I didn’t think I did, until…” He glances at Tony, then, and there’s no missing the blush creeping up his neck.

“Until?”

“The other day,” Steve replies. “When you de-aged, and I—when we—” Tony bites his tongue so hard he’s pretty sure he tastes blood. Don’t interrupt. Let him get it out. Steve laughs breathily. “When I hugged you, I was so glad I was in a position to protect you, physically, like that. But later on I kept thinking about how much I miss being the protected one, sometimes. Not always, but. Sometimes.” Steve looks at the photo and sighs. “I keep thinking about what it felt like when ma looked after me when I was sick, or when Bucky put himself between me and the bigger guy because he knew I couldn’t take another hit…sure I resented it a little, being so weak, but I liked…that.”

“You liked being cared for.”

The look Steve levels at Tony could drive away a storm.

“Yeah,” he husks. “I did.”

“And now that you’re—” Tony waves a hand at Steve’s everything, “—this, you think you don’t, what, deserve care?”

“Maybe?” Steve blinks. “I don’t know.”

“Cap—Steve,” Tony says, putting his hands palms-up in his lap so Steve can see all of him. No threat, no judgment. “Everyone wants to feel cared for. It’s human nature. And just because you’re superhuman doesn’t mean you’re inhuman.”

Damn if those therapy sessions Pepper forced him into aren’t paying off big time right now. If the sheen in Steve’s eyes is anything to go by, Tony’s hit the nail right on the head.

“Oh,” he breathes.

“Yeah,” Tony smiles. Butterflies be damned, he moves the project file onto the coffee table next to his now-cold mug and turns toward Steve. Slowly, he opens his arms. “C’mere,” he says, so quiet only Steve would hear if anyone else was around. As it is, they’re alone in the tower, and Steve doesn’t hesitate—one moment Tony’s arms are empty and the next he’s got 240 pounds of solid muscle curling into his chest and Steve’s tucking his big head under Tony’s chin like the world’s neediest Bernese mountain dog.

Thankfully, Tony’s arms are just long enough to fit all the way around Steve’s massive shoulders. And even if they weren’t, he’d find a way to make it work.

Knees knocking together, feet brushing up against each other on the carpet, Steve shifts and adjusts until he can wrap his arms around Tony’s waist. Once he settles in, he sighs right into the notch at the base of Tony’s throat. “Thank you, Tony.”

“Anytime, big guy,” Tony replies, softly with a warm smile he thinks Steve can’t see.

#bardingbeedle #steve rogers #tony stark #pre-getting together #stevetony #stony #stony fic #superhusbands #rachel writes fic #HAPPY JUNE 22 #KINDA #ignoring the fact that I'm posting this at 0130 on June 23 :3 #insecure steve rogers #insecure tony stark #tony and I see the same therapist lol #stovetuna writes #and yes 22 June is apparently the MCU date of Project Rebirth #PERFECT TIMING

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thatboomerkid · 3 years

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Giff -- SpellJammer Race for Pathfinder

Giff -- SpellJammer Race [19 RACE POINTS] for First Edition Pathfinder

Known to the gnomes of Markovia as the nilski konj vojnici, to the Hin plantation-owners of Covington Farms as los mercenarios gigantes del río, and to the human field-workers laboring near New Arvoreen most-often simply as “those big goddamn bastards,” the giff -- as they are called in their own guttural, roaring language -- represent a recently-contacted species of huge, violent, powerfully-built, terrifyingly-focused, and dangerously cagey combatants.

In the little-over-a-century since their discovery by the Hin, platoons of giff have already carved a bloody name for themselves across the wilds of Verdura -- and far beyond -- as unparalleled river-guides, rowdies, strike-breakers, mob debt-collectors, private enforcers, heavy-weapons units, siege engines, bodyguards, and elite soldiers of fortune.

Brought to you absolutely free to enjoy, to test & to share – as always – by the fine folks of my Patreon.

original image by the incredible Claudio Pozas, here

Type: Monstrous Humanoid (3 RP)

Ability Score Modifiers: Mixed Weakness (-2 RP)

+2 Strength, -4 Dexterity, +2 Constitution, -4 Intelligence, +2 Wisdom

Size: Large (7 RP)

Giff gain a +2 size bonus to Strength and a -2 size penalty to Dexterity (already included above). Giff also suffer a -1 size penalty to their AC and a -1 size penalty on all attack rolls; they gain a +1 bonus on combat maneuver checks and to their CMD, and suffer a -4 size penalty on Stealth checks.

A giff takes up a space that is 10 feet by 10 feet and has a reach of 5 feet.

Base Speed: Normal speed (0 RP)

Languages: Standard (0 RP); giff speak their own eponymous, curiously poetic language, and most are -- in the modern day -- also conversant in Low Kozah-Talosii (usually spoken with a thick, pompous Verduran accent).

This bastardized dialect, the so-called “Common tongue” favored across Pyrespace for use in international, intercultural, and interplanetary trade, is a degraded mongrel variant of High Kozah-Talosii: the ancient root-tongue of both Arvorean and Brandobarin, still employed by the Church of Yondalla for use in sermons, hymns, and in all official records.

Big Damn Guns: Giff are treated as gnomes for purposes of the Experimental Gunsmith Archetype. (0 RP)

Darkvision: Giff have 60 ft. darkvision (0 RP); giff have relatively poor eyesight while out of water, which is easily corrected with simple lenses -- such as a monocle -- for use while reading. This vision is not poor enough to impart a mechanical penalty on Perception checks or attack rolls made by the giff.

Natural Armor: Giff have +3 natural armor (4 RP)

Natural Attack (Headbutt): Giff receive one natural attack, which is treated as a gore attack that deals 1d8 bludgeoning damage. (1 RP)

Natural Swimmers: Giff have a swim speed of 30 feet and gain the +8 racial bonus on Swim checks that a swim speed normally grants. (1 RP)

Powerful Charge (Headbutt): Whenever a giff charges, it deals twice the standard number of damage dice with its headbutt plus 1-1/2 times its Strength bonus. (2 RP)

River-Sense: Giff can sense vibrations in water, granting them blindsense 30 feet against creatures that are touching the same body of water. (1 RP)

Slow On Land: Giff often select the Clumsy, Easy Target, Magically Inept, Nearsighted, and Slow Reflexes Major Drawbacks (0 RP)

Spell Resistance (Greater): Giff have spell resistance equal to 11 + their character level. (3 RP)

Sporting: The species-wide love of warfare exhibited by the giff draws a sharp line of distinction between “sporting” and “unsporting” combat (see below). (-1 RP)

Sporting combat includes arm-wrestling, fisticuffs, darts, cards, dice, checkers, chess, billiards, cricket, rugby, skeet shooting, tennis, and golf, alongside tests of boasting, carousing, headbutting, toast-giving, swimming, push-ups, and a complex, ritualized sort of thunderous, unarmed mixed martial-art performed solely while stripped down to breeches & undergarments, usually in ankle-deep to waist-deep water, ending in pin or submission, which -- up to a point -- also serves as a type of flirting.

The military mentality of the giff even makes special allowances for a variety of “sporting” duels to the death. Establishing a proper duel requires a huge number of complex ritual elements that -- in the end -- mostly boils down to both giff formally acknowledging that:

Both giff are armed with approximately the same quality of weapons & armor (warhammer, combat knife, pistol, full plate, etc.)

Both giff have equal access to military support, including healing

Both giff have a grievance, no matter how petty

Both giff are suffering approximately the same level of injuries

Both giff have made arrangements for their estate, and for the treatment of their body after death

Once a “sporting” challenge to the death has been agreed-to by both parties, anything up to and including outright murder of one’s opponent is considered fair game.

Several major holidays each year celebrated by the giff include a “violent dueling festival” as part of their celebration; to outsiders, these events have a very bizarre, genteel, 1800s-Victorian-Teddy-Roosevelt-meets-The-Purge sort of feel to them:

“Happy holidays, friend; best of health this year to you and to your kin. And I say, old chap, don’t suppose it’s high time for a kukri-duel, eh, wot wot? Seeing as you got drunk on my finest brandy, made a pass at the missus, wiped your prodigious buttocks with my table linens, and micturated in my hedge-row as of Christmas last, well ... in lieu of an apology, what say I have Jenkins fetch the carving blades, eh? See which of has the moxie, shall we? Cheerio and have at thee then, old sport?”

If this formal challenge to a lethal sporting-duel is declined, the challenger must make all possible accommodations to guarantee the immediate physical safety of the giff she just challenged (at least until such time as the two giff part ways once more): providing the giff with weapons, armor, food, water, medicine, reading materials, a place to sleep, liquor, smoking tobacco, and anything else a gentleman or lady of high breeding could reasonably expect to have access to (even while imprisoned).

In short: if the challenged giff dies immediately after declining a duel, it is considered very embarrassing for the challenger.

For his own part, the declining giff must treat her challenger with the very utmost level of respect ... or risk being guilty of unsporting conduct, a fate far worse than mere death.

Any giff who finds herself about to violate the terms of properly “sporting” conduct instantly becomes aware of the error, just as if she were wearing a phylactery of faithfulness and, at all times, actively contemplating the thought of doing bodily harm to another giff: this behavioral limitation is not built as a trap for players to accidentally stumble into, but -- instead -- as an interesting roadblock to navigate around.

If two or more giff find themselves forced into a position of armed conflict against one another on a battlefield, both groups traditionally retire for at least a day of drinking and sorting-out ranks; on rare occasion, one platoon will join the other; more likely, all giff involved in any part of the operation will quit their current hirings and look for work elsewhere.

Any giff who engages another member of her own species in any type of unsporting combat -- attacking another giff with a weapon, for example, or with magic -- immediately suffers a -2 penalty on all skill checks, ability checks, attack rolls and saves; she continues to suffer this penalty until such time as she is able to make amends: presenting her victim with a formal written apology, or seeking our her victim’s family to beg their public pardon.

Each month, this penalty increases by 2. Guilt is a poison that grows by degrees, after all: ever-gnawing.

While she is suffering penalties in this way, if the giff is presented with the chance to punish herself – or a non-giff opponent! – while presented with something that reminds the giff of her betrayal, she may find herself compelled to do so regardless of the consequences:

Any time her betrayal is directly brought to her attention, the giff must make a Will save (DC = 10 + her character level + the Charisma modifier of the wronged giff). Failure means that the giff falls into a rage of abject self-loathing, completely focused on her own guilt for a number of rounds equal to the DC, above. Until she has finished with this exercise in hate, the giff can take no action other than to harm the reminder of her failure or enable herself to harm it: grappling a human shipmate who mentioned her old friend so that she might headbutt the human while strangling them, for example, or calmly loading a shotgun so that she might shoot the human dead in cold blood.

Note that the giff, while wracked with guilt & grief, is not required to do anything or harm anyone: she may simply stare at an old photograph and feel sad, for example, ignoring everyone around her.

During the fury of this black tempest, the giff suffers a -2 penalty to her AC.

Once the giff successfully makes amends, either with the wronged party or with the victim’s next-of-kin, all of the above penalties are removed. Entire subsets of giff society -- mediators, arbitrators, and negotiators -- are explicitly adapted to making absolutely certain that any errors in sporting conduct among giff are resolved quickly, and to the satisfaction of all parties.

Should she fail to make amends before her death, any giff who has harmed another giff in an unsporting way invariably rises again as an undead horror of some kind (often a blood knight or graveknight): reborn as a rotting, lurching mountainside of infinitely destructive hated.

Note that the Sporting Racial Trait is not purely social, but rather acts as a species-wide ingrained psychological virtue: two giff living on Fenris who never expect to see the wide rivers of Verdura again are still bound by the rules of “sporting” conflict; neither could shoot the other in the back any more than either of them could grow wings and fly to the moon.

Undead giff do not possess the Sporting Trait, which is seen -- by living giff -- as the most abhorrent and disturbing quality imaginable.

Note, also, that the desire to behave in a sporting manner extends only to fellow giff: Chaotic Evil giff will routinely massacre unarmed non-giff by the thousands, bellowing with laughter as they do so, and even a Lawful Good giff will rarely think twice before sucker-punching a crude human making drunken threats and impolite remarks at the bar.

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Giff Timeline:

1603 A.D. (118 years ago): The colony of New Arvoreen is established on Verdura; giff make contact with Hin (and their human servants) for the first time.

1620 A.D.: First generation of giff who have always known about the existence of Hin, humans, and -- most importantly! -- firearms fully comes of age.

1636 A.D.: New Arvoreen is significantly expanded.

1667 A.D.: Nation of Markovia -- the technological-marvel nation named for its Founder, Monarch and Supreme Leader, Dr. Adlai Markovitch -- founded on Verdua; diplomatic trade established with New Arvoreen.

1669 A.D.: City of New Arvoreen significantly expanded.

1702 A.D.: New Arvoreen significantly expanded; land officially cleared for Covington Farms, soon to be the largest agricultural facility in the system; rates of forcible immigration of indentured humans to New Arvoreen tripled.

1721 A.D.: (current year)

original image here

Giff Ranks: Lieutenant, General, Colonel, Major General, Lieutenant General, Lieutenant Colonel, Captain General, Brigadier General, Field Marshall, Major, Captain, Sergeant Major, Commandant General, Wing General, Lieutenant Colonel General, Staff Sergent, Master Sergent, Master General, Grenadier General; note that “Lord” may be added to any military rank, alongside the designations of “First” and “First Class” (for example, “First Lord Brigadier General First Class”)

Giff military ranks are, effectively, meaningless noise to everyone except the giff themselves: every member of the species is a decorated officer of some complex rank within some elite military company or another, but such ranks are largely ceremonial and may be inherited, purchased, or passed through elaborate, bombastic ritual.

Further, the only thing preventing a young giff from forming an entirely new military organization & immediately naming herself -- of example -- Supreme Acting Field Commander and Secretary General of the Armies and Navies at Wartime is -- up to a point -- her own willingness to do so.

Male Giff Names: Any invented male Hin name.

Female Giff Names: Any invented female Hin name.

Giff Family Names: Any invented male Hin first name

Society

The giff are military-minded, and organize themselves into squads, platoons, companies, corps, and larger groups. The number of giff in a platoon varies according to the season, situation, and level of danger involved.

A giff "platoon" hired to protect a gambling operation may number only a single soldier, while a platoon hired to invade an illithid stronghold may number well over a hundred.

The giff pride themselves on their weapon-skills, and any giff carries a number of swords, daggers, maces, and similar tools on hand to deal with troublemakers.

A giff's true love, however, is the gun. A misfiring weapon matters little to the giff (occasional fatalities amongst soldiery are simply to expected); it is the flash, the noise, and the damage that most impress them.

Even unarmed, the giff are powerful opponents. Against non-giff, they’ll often wade into a brawl just for the pure fun of it, tossing various combatants on both sides around to prove themselves the victors.

Once a weapon is bared, however, and the challenge becomes “unsporting,” the giff consider all restrictions off: the challenge is now to the death.

The giff prize themselves as top-quality mercenaries, and to that end take great pride in owning -- if not always wearing -- elaborate suits of full-plate armor. These suits usually include massive helms featuring hyper-detailed, semi-realistic images of exotic monsters on the crests, inlaid with ivory and bone along the largest plates.

Armor repair is a major hobby among the giff, although great skill at the craft is surprisingly rare.

The giff are deeply suspicious of magic, magicians, and magical devices; their legendary foes, the Five Tiger Princes, are despised for their esoteric abilities as much for their wicked deviltry.

image here

Family

The giff are, for the most part, happiest among fellow members their own race, intermingling broadly with the Ghoran -- whom the giff utilize as an edible, inexhaustible workforce -- and the Tengu: another unofficial “servitor race” of the giff, most often used as messengers and household servants.

Ghoran living on giff lands are stoic: dutifully tending the fields of the giff in exchange for protection from ten-thousand other, vastly more predatory dangers. For all that giff treat the ghoran as disposable -- a ghoran living on Verdura produces one seed each year, and can grow a new member of the species in a single month -- the giff do not want the ghoran hunted to total extermination. That, for the ghoran, is saying something,

Tengu, on the other hand, are deeply prized by the giff as staff, usually in the roles of personal assistants, groomers, decorators, butlers, bartenders, man-servants, attaches, major domos, and maids. Since all giff are “wealthy land owners,” to one degree or another, the true power & prestige of a giff can be accurately measured by the number of tengu he employs.

Giff otherwise consider anything larger than them deeply threatening, yet also complain bitterly -- in private -- about the fragility of the smaller races. Outside their own platoons, the giff are happiest among military organizations with a strong chain of command.

For this reason, giff hold the Church of Yondalla in exceptionally high regard.

Giff especially despise the catfolk: although they don’t speak of it to outsiders, a century ago the giff were on the verge of extinction: hunted for sport and trophy by servants of the Five Tiger Princes, their people nearly cut to nothing and their lands held by only a few remaining families. Since their acquisition of firearms -- and the arrival of the Hin -- the catfolk have broadly retreated.

Every giff -- male, female, and giffling -- has a rank within their greater society, which can only be changed by a giff of higher rank. Within these ranks are sub-ranks, and within those sub-ranks are color-markings and badges. The highest-ranking giff gives the orders, the others obey. It does not matter if the orders are foolish or even suicidal: following them is the purpose of the giff in the universe. A quasi-mystical faith among the giff -- who claim to worship, in a vague way, the Golden General Bahamut, who was killed and eaten by the cowardly Five Tiger Princes in order to steal his strength -- confirms that all things have their place, and the place of the giff to follow orders.

This makes the giff very happy.

Giff platoons can be hired from their sprawling, palatial riverside plantations and mountain hunting-lodges by anyone looking for muscle. The social leaders among the giff are contractors: these specially-trained giff review prospective employers according to ability to pay, then make a recommendation to powerful warlords and famous adventurers among the giff. The leaders, in turn, consider the danger of the job, and whether taking it will enhance their giffdom.

Giff jobs are usually paid in firearms & gunpowder, though they often will accept other weapons and armor. Aboard ship, the giff require their own quarters, and will often request to bring on their own large weapons. They favor fire-projectors and bombards for ground work, and will happily blaze away at opponents regardless of the tactical situation.

The giff require the ships of others because they have -- for the most part -- no spellcasting abilities among them.

Giff of both sexes serve in their platoons, and both fight equally well. Giff young are raised tenderly until they are old enough to survive an exploding arquebus, then are inducted fully into the platoon.

The giff practice equality among the sexes in battle and in childrearing. They live about 70 years, but do not take aging gracefully. As a giff grows older and begins to slow down, he is possessed with the idea of proving himself still young and vital, usually in battle.

As a result, there are very, very few old giff.

#pathfinder #SPELLJAMMER #race #options #1st edition

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lgb-positivi-t · 4 years

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Dealing With Negative News Stories

2020 has been a really tough year and seems to keep getting worse. The 24-hour news cycle thrives on shock value and thus reports on the worst, and it’s easy to get caught up in thinking there are either no good things left or there are so many bad things that the good things lack value anymore.

It’s important to take a step back from this. Don’t allow yourself to become hopeless, or feel helpless, or become desensitized. Remember to take care of yourself during all this.

Desensitization

After encountering emotionally distressing things time and time again, people risk becoming desensitized.

Dr Mark Smyth describes this as, "If you are exposed to a traumatic news story and when you look around you your family, friends, colleagues are all experiencing an emotional reaction but you’re not, then that may be a sign that you have become desensitised to that particular news story type. Another sign would be if you are finding it hard to have empathy for the people and the situation that has occurred, when in the past you would have felt a connectedness to the people and events.”

Desensitization can when viewing emotionally distressing things because it becomes easier to “shut down” than engage with the news. This can make it difficult to process the information.

It’s Okay to Feel This Way

If you feel desensitized or overwhelmed by the news, it is not your fault and there is not anything wrong with you. There is a strong consensus in the psychology community that humans are not made with the mental resilience to handle constant streams of bad news.

Remember

You are not alone if you feel like this.

You are not weak for feeling like this.

You are not a bad person if you have to step away from the news.

Keep yourself safe and healthy, first and foremost.

There is nothing wrong with stepping away from the news cycle, especially if you have a mental disorder. Professor Neil Greenberg of the Royal College of Psychiatrists said, "If you're not feeling well mentally, whether that's because of a diagnosed mental health condition or if you're going through a bad time generally, then stay away from news that distresses you.”

Why We Feel Like This

How is it that news stories are able to effect people so strongly?

The first answer is biology. When we view distressing things, our bodies release stress hormones. This is a natural reaction we have no conscious control over.

Dr Mark Smyth describes the psychological effects, saying, "What happens is our perceptions and anxiety about our sense of danger becomes much more heightened than it needs to be.” This distress can increase based on various factors, such as how close a tragedy occurs to where you live.

How to Feel Better

There are a number of ways to avoid the negative effects of the news cycle hurting your daily life.

Keep a routine

Limit time spent watching / reading news

Engage with others without discussing the news

Partake in a hobby

Schedule things to do

Schedules and routines can be particularly helpful. Bad news can make it seem the world is hopelessly chaotic and out of control. It is important to remember you still have control in your own life.

Feelings of Guilt and Helplessness

Most importantly, remember that the bad things that happen around the world are not your fault. Feelings of both anxiety and guilt are surprisingly common when we hear of bad news. Though difficult, it is important to understand that you cannot control everything that happens.

If you feel helpless about this lack of control and are not experiencing desensitization or feeling overwhelmed by the news, one way to help yourself is to engage in helpful activities in your community. Aiding others has many psychological benefits, and making an effort to do more on your own part can help you regain a feeling of control. It is important to still understand that you cannot change the whole world on your own and the responsibility to do so is not solely on you; however, you can do your own part to help others.

Ways to get involved in your community can include

Volunteer at a soup kitchen

Volunteer at an animal shelter

Join an activisim group

Join a minority support group (ex: gay-straight alliances)

Join a religious organization you follow (many larger ones have volunteer projects they run or are a part of)

More Information

How do we cope with negative news stories?

Dealing with bad world news

10 ways to handle bad news

How to cope if the news is making you anxious

How to cope when the world seems completely terrible

Bad news can take a toll on your mental health - here’s how to cope

How to cope with constant bad news

List of Hotlines by Please Live

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psychologyserviceannoucement · 3 years

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How does Talk Therapy work?

It can be difficult for people to conceive of how exactly therapy works. After all, the problems that people seek treatment for can be very debilitating and severe. Many mental health conditions can even be life-threatening and fatal in their own way. Something that serious seems like it would require much more intervention than simply sitting around and talking about your feelings. However, there is much more going on under the surface.

The mind can be a very nebulous concept to grasp. Within daily life, it works automatically without requiring an individual to understand the inner machinations. It can feel like an abstract part of our life, but it is not without form. The mind has an overarching system that operates in documented patterns. There are distinct processes such as perception, decision making, emotional regulation, memory storage, and so on. The brain is a very complicated organ after all. An average individual wouldn’t be expected to know how to fix it if something went wrong any more than they would be expected to know how to fix the rest of their bodies. That’s why instead, they’re referred to professionals, who know in detail how the mind functions and how to fix it if need be. They use that knowledge to identify which part of the system is malfunctioning and apply the appropriate solution. And the way they do that is by talking.

Keep in mind that psychological processes are not as easily observed as physical ones. If something is wrong with your body, it’s often as simple as looking to see what it is. It’s pretty easy to tell whether a bone is broken or not for instance. Even internal processes can be seen through different methods or tested in various ways. However, the only way a psychologist can learn about an individual’s mind is by asking them to verbalize it. That can be a difficult way to gain information, especially when they need so much of it. A psychologist may want to know how you see the world. How do you view yourself? Is that a healthy and constructive perspective or is it more detrimental? What is your decision making process? How do you go about taking care of yourself? What parts are difficult? What parts are easy? How do you handle your emotions? What do you do to cope with them? Is that behavior helping or is it making things worse? How can we use that knowledge going forward? Getting all that information and working with it takes a lot of time and a lot of talking.

To work through those problems, there are multiple forms of talk therapy. There’s a wide diversity of different models with different objectives and different areas of focus. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one example. This model works by identifying maladaptive thinking patterns called cognitive distortions in order to replace them with more functional ones. Some identifiable cognitive distortions are polarizing, catastrophizing, mental filtering, and mind reading among others. On the other hand, dialectical behavioral therapy addresses emotional regulation and reactive states. It examines possible triggers or behaviors that may lead to distress and develops methods to avoid and respond to them. Acceptance and commitment therapy promotes psychological flexibility. Mindfulness is a big component of multiple therapeutic models as well as a model of its own. Those are very simplified explanations, but I use them to show that talk therapy has structure. It’s not a casual conversation that you might have with your loved ones. It’s an organized operation with specific goals and intentions. These models represent a variety of tools that a practicing therapist may use over the course of treatment.

Psychology is a science and therapy is a medical procedure. It’s a cornerstone of mental healthcare because it works and there’s an abundance of research to support that. From an outside perspective, it can appear silly. In sessions, it might be hard to understand what’s supposed to be happening. It might even seem nonsensical or random at times if you don’t see how the topics you’re discussing connect back to your problems. However, there is a method behind therapists’ actions. If you’re confused, it’s always an option to ask. Most psychologists have their own strategies when conducting therapy in the same way different teachers or tradesmen have theirs. They’re likely happy to explain their process and the motivations behind their actions during a session or before you set an appointment. I would always encourage everyone to understand their treatment as best they can. Doing so will allow you to be an active participant in it. If you’re genuinely unsure or curious how therapy works effectively, then by all means, seek out more complete resources than this and learn more about it. More knowledge can only help. If after that, you still feel like talk therapy won’t work for you and you don’t want to try it, then at least it will be an informed decision.

Lastly, it needs to be acknowledged that “just talking about your feelings” is not so useless of a task. Talking about your feelings does help. It elicits social support that can impact your mental health. It allows for a release of persistent thoughts and hormones lingering in the body. It changes the way you conceptualize those feelings just by forcing you to translate the abstract into concrete words. It gives you the opportunity to observe and analyze those feelings. It allows you to reflect and discuss potential courses of action to take. It is correct to say that there are many problems that require more than a casual discussion of emotions. It would also be accurate to say that some mental health conditions require more or different kinds of treatment than talk therapy. However, that shouldn’t serve as a dismissal of either of those things either. They still have their value and their effectiveness in many settings. Until they’re proven inappropriate for the current problem, they should not be discounted. Every tool in a toolbox has its use. If you are struggling with your mental health, please consider attending talk therapy. It may prove much more beneficial than you think. In fact, it might just be the exact answer you’re looking for.

For more information on mental health topics, check out our Index

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empmoniitor · 3 years

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INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION: WHAT ARE THE BARRIERS AND 09 WAYS TO IMPROVE IT

The Quarantaniversary is here- it’s almost a year since the COVID-19 pandemic dawned upon us all. And we all witnessed a TREMENDOUS change in our workplaces.

Nevertheless, remote work surprisingly assisted globalization, and companies are hiring more people from abroad than ever. With people ready to telecommute, workplaces are getting more diverse. Sure, this scenario isn’t going to last same forever- but we can already witness a lot of challenges that follow remote work- intercultural communication being one of them.

It is no secret why communication tops the list of priorities that a company needs to inculcate among its employees. Intercultural communication makes it trickier to accomplish, especially with people literally working miles apart.

Many organizations are opening their gates soon, and the cultural differences may intensify if you don’t start working on it now. Do you wonder if your employees are happily interacting despite these differences?

In this blog, we will discuss how to-

1. Assess your staff’s intercultural communication skills;

2. Identify the hindrances;

3. And rectify them for good.

BONUS- READ, HOW TO CREATE AND DEFINE A WORK FROM HOME POLICY FOR YOUR COMPANY

WHY IS INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION IMPORTANT?

Differences in culture are inevitable, and it takes a lot for people to bridge the gap. Lack of management in intercultural communication paves the way for misunderstandings and a feeling of being left out.

I’ll explain my point by citing an example. The west urges its people to leave their parents’ home and start a family at a very young age, while the east encourages a culture of living with parents and grandparents. It is one of the very few differences that you will find even when working with employees belonging to different cities in your own country.

A workplace that understands the diversity in traditions, customs, and cultures make its staff feel welcomed. It leads to better team communication, which ultimately develops a healthier and dynamic work environment. To be successful in any sector, organizations must understand and meet the communication patterns of their clients, employees, investors, and other associated people.

HINDRANCES IN INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION

KNOW WHAT YOUR TEAM LACKS

Now that you understand the why, let’s get into the what part.

There are four broad cultural differences that you’ll spot among people around you. Your employees are no exception. Improve your intercultural communication by identifying their weak points. Look for the ones that they lack so that you can rectify them ASAP. After all, acceptance is the first step to betterment!

Here are the key cultural aspects that your staff may lack:

1. EDUCATIONAL

School is the second home of a child, and it plays a vital role in shaping our thoughts, mannerisms, and problem-solving skills. Our background depends on our school, teachers, locations, and the associated national and district laws.

Companies hire people for different positions based on their qualifications. When they work together on a project, they implement varied methods based on their backgrounds to tackle the same set of problems. The results can either be pretty cool or a disastrous mess.

2. RELIGIOUS

An employee’s religious and spiritual affirmations have a significant impact on their priorities and behavior. Religious and spiritual beliefs have the power to impact a person’s perception, analytical abilities, and decision-making skills. As a result, they may even have a difference in ethical behavior.

Everyone has a right to express their religion. There could be a possibility of differences in opinions at the workplace and cold wars. Beware!

3. ETHNIC

Ethnicity is different from race. It is not biological and depends on a person’s learned behaviors due to their culture, nationality, religion, ancestry, heritage, and linguistic backgrounds. Jewish, Tamil, Pashtun, Cambodian, Sindhi, etc., are a few examples of ethnicity.

Naturally, separate ethnicities have a different train of thought and exposure. For instance, people who grow up in a spiritual and sacrificing environment avoid conflicts at all costs. Others may be direct in communication.

4. RACIAL

The race is a biologically defined term. Black, White, Asian are a few examples, for instance. Races have NOTHING to do with the person’s ethics and working skills. But they do have an impact on their accent, day-to-day behavior, and stuff like that.

While racial diversity is no big deal in the modern workplace, racist slurs, biased behavior, and mixed perceptions are still prevalent. Strong intercultural communication intertwines people and prevents this from happening.

BTW, HERE ARE 07 MOST IMPORTANT MANAGEMENT SKILLS & HOW TO DEVELOP THEM

5. GEOGRAPHICAL

The location you grow up in defines the environment you are exposed to- leading to developing varied dressing, speaking, eating, and living habits. Working with people from different geographical upbringing may sound cool and all, but it is actually the primary cause of stereotypes.

People who dwell from the same place tend to bond faster. And while that’s no big of a deal, it may lead to groupism and people feeling alienated.

6. LINGUISTIC

Some countries have an official language for their state, while some don’t. It is plausible due to the languages spoken by the natives. While English is the most acceptable among them all, people also come with different accents.

Long story short, language remains a barrier in any workplace that doesn’t stick to hiring only the locals. Paving the way for a friendly yet strong intercultural communication promotes bonding among all and keeps conflicts at bay.

7. GENERATIONAL

The generation you are born in has a darn tootin’ impact on your ideas on professionalism, ethical behavior, collaboration, creativity, and overall communication. Gen Z, for instance, prioritizes career and stability, while Boomers have a softer spot for their home and family.

Different generations are going to look at stuff with different glasses. A GenXer’s creativity and Baby Boomer’s experience may yield the best results. But it requires constant understanding, respect, and fair inclusion of all.

8. SOCIO-ECONOMIC

A person’s income and socio-economic status (SES) speak a lot about the privileges, opportunities, and resources that they usually get. Contrary to popular belief, SES has a major impact on our behavior and analytical skills.

SES contributes to an employee’s functioning, mental & physical health, stress level, and morals. If left to perish, it leads to judgments, biases, and information silos.

IMPROVING INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION AT WORKPLACE

There are cultures within cultures, and communication is the only path to collaboration. There’s nothing worse than a lack of understanding among people due to their misaligned assumptions and cognitive biases.

The strategies listed below are vital to creating cross-cultural harmony. However, I have witnessed points 4, 5, 7, and 9 making the maximum impact on intercultural communication:

1. AVOID USING SLANG

The non-natives of your place may understand what you say but may not understand the exact idea and context behind it. Slang, phrases, and idioms are cool, but why not keep it simple? Even the natives may get confused if your language gets too complicated.

Everyone has an interpretation of their own. And it is natural to read between the lines when things are not clear. An inaccurate interpretation, in such cases, will end up confusing or may even offend your staff. Play safe ALWAYS.

2. HANDLE HUMOUR WITH CARE

Cracking jokes is no big deal, and you don’t always have to be a grumpy boss. But remember, not everyone understands humour. So if you decide to go for it, make sure everyone understands it clearly. Cultural appropriation is a prerequisite, and you cannot compromise it for a few fake laughs. Go for neutral jokes that seem appreciated and accepted in all cultures. (for instance, a knock-knock joke)

HRs and management need to understand how culturally leaned behavior affects communication. Fixing it reduces intercultural communication conflicts to a humongous extent.

3. ORGANIZE GAMES & ACTIVITIES

Collaboration is the key to better communication. And what’s a better way to collaborate than to organize non-work-related activities. When people talk about stuff other than work, they feel more connected and start opening up despite their differences.

As a matter of fact, people with a different culture are more interested in a place’s native culture. Games and activities are a perfect way to cheer things up when trying to improve intercultural communication.

4. HOLD DISCUSSIONS & DEBATES

Debates might be the last thing you’d want in your organization, but hear me out- when you encourage people to present their conflicting thoughts professionally, they learn how to be opinionated and yet hold back the offense. Debates are healthy, and they bring sportsmanship among the peers.

Group discussions are also an excellent way of teaching the employees how and why it is crucial to keep things clear and simple in a conversation. Intercultural communication can only strengthen when people polish their verbal as well as listening skills.

5. SPEAK SLOWLY

An intercultural workplace would definitely have employees with varied accents and familiarity with the language. When you speak at your usual pace, you become vulnerable to miscommunication, misinterpretation, and misunderstandings.

Modulating the speed will ensure that your words are loud and clear. But make sure you’re not too slow, or else people would drift off while listening, let alone improve the overall communication. And that’s a bummer!

ALSO READ, HOW TO TURN THE VIRTUAL WORKFORCE INTO REALITY?

6. KEEP NON-VERBAL MISINTERPRETATIONS IN MIND

Your body language is always a part of communication. And it doesn’t matter what your words say- your tone and posture add meaning to it. Focus on keeping your facial expressions and body language very neutral. You don’t always have to smile, but maybe stop crossing your arms and looking at your phone.

Sometimes the non-verbal misinterpretations are not very obvious, and you have to dig a bit deeper. For instance, the Japanese find it rude when someone points a chopstick at them while eating.

7. WORK ON COGNITIVE BIASES

Everyone is biased- that’s natural. But it’s very unethical to let the biases interfere with our decision-making processes at work. It doesn’t matter how you feel about stuff- you have to take a rational and practical approach to get an unbiased and appropriate solution.

Your cognitive bias stems from a lot of reasons and has a direct impact on your conversations. If not taken care of, it may make things bitter between people with a difference in opinion.

8. NEVER FRAME CLOSED QUESTIONS

Avoid direct questions that need an answer in yes or no. Some people find it rude to answer such questions without an explanation. They might as well go with a yes instead of saying no to someone’s face. It might sound a little absurd, but such behavior is also an influence of their background.

Open-ended questions that require a plausible explanation are better in such cases. As a bonus, you always get to understand the thinking process of your team. And you can always assign the right tasks to the right person in the future.

9. ENCOURAGE ACTIVE LISTENING

Out of the two fundamental parts of communication, people tend to only work on their speaking skills. Well, we all know that won’t work. After all, who likes sharing their thoughts with someone who won’t let them finish their sentences? To ensure a healthy and happening relationship among all, you have to make sure that people like each other’s company.

Intercultural communication is a responsibility. Encourage people to come up with doubts, suggestions, and queries. It helps break the information silos, and nothing gets missed or misunderstood.

READ MORE FROM OUR BLOGS,

WRAPPING IT UP!!

Cultural differences are bound to occur in any workplace. The key is to accept and understand them. Intercultural communication can yield creative results when utilized the right way. Try to make the best out of your intercultural work environment and never let your productivity go down.

Is there anything that I missed? Would you like to drop a suggestion/query? Let me know in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.

ANNYEONG!!

Originally Published On: EmpMonitor

#Employee Monitoring #Employee Management #Employee Productivity #Employee Monitoring Software #Intercultural Communication

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allyisapunkrocker · 4 years

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Trigger Warning for discussion of depression, suicide, self harm etc.

I don’t think I’ve had as an eventful month in my life as I’ve had in the last month or so other than maybe my last month of high school and schoolies. A month or so ago I tried to admit myself in the hospital for depression and suicidal thoughts as if I didn’t I would’ve cut my arms and my legs and possibly my genitals. I was having a difficult time not being able to deal with my interactions at work and feeling like a freak and like I had no one in my life I could talk to and had an extreme fear of never having anyone close in my life. I was making friends at work though and they’re genuinely lovely people who I’ve always liked and was grateful they were befriending me and trying to help. One of them who is still my favourite person helped me not feel like a freak. I was still self loathing and suicidal though. There were other lovely people who would talk to me and treat me like a person and offered to help me. I went clothes shopping with them which was such an awkward horrible experience despite having amazing company. The shopping part - trying on clothes in the change room was traumatic and had me crying. This and the fact that these people were talking to me and trying to help but weren’t making me feel any better - just made me feel worse and hopeless, like it wasn’t possible for me to feel or get better. My favourite person assured me It was and promised we’d talk after she got back from her trip. She left for her much deserved holiday and very wisely cut herself off from technology and social media and was prioritising her mental health which she has all the right to do and I’m not blaming her or laying any guilt on her or anything like that. I applaud her for prioritising herself and her mental health. It was just difficult for me to not have her to talk to as often as I needed to. I was drinking heavily and considering downing all my medicine in one go or drinking bleach. I had been an absolute toxic nightmare not only to people at work that I didn’t like or care about but to people there that I liked and that care(d) about me. I’d be talking about different violent things I wanted to do to myself as I didn’t care anymore about myself or anything. So at my absolute lowest I went to the hospital - my psychologist Told me that this should be a last resort and in my mind it was. They wouldn’t admit though me and instead gave me a talking to and sent me home saying I could come back and talk if I needed. It was an absolute waste of time and not helpful in the slightest. A week or so later I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist I had that I haven’t seen since I started my job around two years ago.

After seeing my psychologist I started feeling a little better. I was still in a dark deep depression and didn’t have any belief that things could get better but I at least started trying to be grateful for the friends at work and the fact that I was employed at this really bad time. While I was looking for my favourite person to be the friend I thought she was I made another friend in another of my favourite people in the workplace and she would help put things in perspective while also being patient with my toxic bullshit. When my favourite person came back from her break continuing to prioritise her mental health - which I love and hope it helps and that it helps her feel good, it’s the least she deserves - meaning not answering messages until she felt like it or got around to it. It was difficult for me to deal with and it was frustrating but it was more at me as I wasn’t being emotionally mature enough to not take it personally as it’s something she needs to do for her. At the same time my new friend is still patiently helping me through my toxic shit while occasionally showing tough love that at the time I was also struggling with. I wasn’t feeling any better but I had good examples of people I respect and admire and who have overcome horrible mental health problems and demonstrate healthy practices that they work on to improve their lives. These were seeds that were planted in me that have began to grow. I get a lot out of talking to these people. They’re both intelligent and brave and mentally tough. And have huge hearts as well. They’ve become my role models.

So that brings us to the last couple of weeks which pretty much started at my most recent appointment with my psychiatrist. I had believed I could’ve been bipolar due to my drastic changes in moods - which had recently seemed even more severe. She perceptively suggested that it could’ve been a severe mood instability and prescribed me some medication. This medication in conjunction with my realisation that what I wanted in life was people to be close with - friends, lovers etc. however this was an impossibility while i hated myself. No one would want to be around me if I didn’t want to be around me. Also I knew my mood and how I’m feeling couldn’t be dependent on interactions with the people I like. As I was noticing my mood would rise around my favourite people but then drop drastically if the interaction didn’t go how I wanted it to. I would think the worst and always blame myself and try to force things instead of just let whatever happens happen. I need to be in a healthy mindset in order to live the life that I want. So after a few weeks of being on this medication.......

My mental state is the best it’s ever been. I’m in love but I’m not allowing my mood to be dictated by interactions with her or with anyone else I like at work or anywhere. I’m actively working on focusing on the positives in my life and the things I’m grateful for and if things dont go my way I accept it and go on with my day. I’m going to treat and love myself the way I treat people I love and the way I’d want them to treat and love me. I’m going to work on being organised and thoughtful and work on being a good influence in my life. I’m going to use the skills I see my favourite people use in their struggles with their problems to build a repertoire of life skills that help me build a life worth living. I’ve been writing about goals and dreams and I have a mental happy place for the first time since I had soccer as a child. I’ve been getting positive feedback about my writing and people telling me it makes them happy to read which is wonderful to hear because it makes me happy to write. I’m interacting positively with coworkers and have become much better with customers as I’m not letting things I have no control over impact me negatively.

My immediate goals (I cant believe I have goals, the only goals I’ve had for the past 20 years were dying or wanting to want to be alive more than I want to die) are to continue writing and to be there for my friends at work if they need to talk or anything else. I’m going to continue to actively try to be positive and grateful and a safe non judgmental person that people can talk to if they need to vent or need a nonjudgmental ear to talk to. I’m going to try new things and not be scared to fail. I’m going to work at things I need to do to adult properly. I’m going to limit crap I put in my body and watch and limit the negative affects I have on the environment as that’s an important value I want to align my lifestyle choices with. This is such a weird turn of events and a weird time in my life but it’s an amazing change and for the first time since I can remember I have ambitions and goals and dreams for a future where I’m content and surrounded with love and laughter and fashion and the environment.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk. I guess the purpose of this other than it being an outlet for getting this all off my chest is to show people that things can get better. I’m not saying it will. But it’s possible.

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itsadragonaesthetic · 4 years

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How to prevent panic attacks (in my experience)

A lot of us don't have access to therapy and professional help and it can make it hard to deal with panic in the meantime (get professional help as soon as you can. I'm not joking). I just kinda wanna share what I know about preventing and overcoming them in my experience with it. Take it with a grain if salt though. I've had limited professional help but I've been dealing with this for a while and I believe I deal with it well. So I'm just sharing what I know.

By the way, this is for preventing panic attacks when you enter a phase of anxiety and notice undermining panic occasionally. I don't know of any practices that work long term, but I think learning to be calm and handle this can make these anxious seasons more few and far between. That's my belief anyway.

Distract yourself. Do something that makes you happy and decently engaged. Don't give yourself room to sit and think. Keep your mind and body engaged in something else. Taking a walk helps.

Get away from other people or only be around someone who knows and understands your situation. Expectations and judgement from others can make giant amounts of panic.

Breathe. This might sound stupid and repetitive but breathe. Many of the physical symptoms are caused by simply not breathing, and our mind can over think on the details and make it worse. It also does this completely subconciousy and without your control. That's a part of the reason why the manual breathing feels tough. A panicked mind doesn't want to breathe. It can cause you light headedness, dizzyness, short term memory loss, numbness, and sometimes a sensation like you are going to faint. Breathing lessens most of the physical affects, and might calm your heart and by extention, your jitters. I suggest creating your own breathing exercise that's specific to you. Just consciously reminding yourself to breath and take a deep breath helps.

Treat yourself lightly at the first sign of panic and for the next few days. Don't expose yourself to anything that will seriously emotionally trouble you, such as sad shows, movies, internet content, violent things, and anything that gets you emotionally spiked. Even if you feel fine, be sensative with yourself for at least a week or two after the first sign.

Tell the panic to fuck off and tell it nothing will happen if it comes. I'm very serious. Most panic attacks never last more than 10 minutes. They are not deadly. Nothing will happen to you with a panic attack. It does feel horrible, but know that absolutely nothing bad will come out of it happening. Literally curse and make fun of the panic. It is not a thing, it is just a feeling and it will pass.

If you've already had a panic attack or had one after a long time of going without one, you're not "relapsing" or whatever. Even when you do panic, like I said above, nothing happens. You just feel the thing for a few minutes and recover for the rest of the day. Be nice to yourself. Panic has no reasons and it's no one's fault. Panic doesn't last forever and the phases will always end. You WILL be happy and worry free again, and that is a threat.

Find a clutch for the panic. Nothing induces it more than knowing you don't have a safe space for the event to happen. Find a counsellor. Inform your job or employees if you believe it might be a problem in that context. Get a friend who knows exactly what to do. Find a safe space for you to recover, and go home if you can. Again, be nice to yourself.

Don't consume anything with caffeine. Even try to avoid it when you can outside of panic phases. Treat it like you're lightly allergic to it.

If you're the type of person that might react to it this way, don't smoke weed. Sure as hell don't smoke THC carts. I believe weed can help people, but it shouldn't be taken as a medication, especially when you're young. You should only be seriously smoking it once a week at the very most if you find it helps at all. Don't smoke THC carts because it doesn't have the same properties of the plant itself and only activates dissociative symptoms and perceptive symptoms in most carts and in most people. It doesn't create head highs or mentality changes like the plant does because it lacks the chemicals for it. The carts might cause health problems as well.

Get sleep and pay close attention to it. Getting a proper amount of sleep is always good.

Track your period cycle if you have one. I suggest Clue as an app for keeping track of it.

Listen to pink noise. White noise is way too aggressive and brown noise isn't enough for some people (you should give it a shot. Might be better for you specifially). Pink noise has been suggested to help with sleep issues and if you peek in the comments section of the videos on YouTube, you often see many single moms with many kids praising the video for it helping them find calm in their life haha.

You WILL be fine. You WILL be happy. You WILL find help and support. This isn't forever. There is life beyond this. Don't lose faith or hope and be patient and kind to yourself.

#panic #panic disorder #trigger #panic trigger #anxiety #mental illness

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jchakrajc · 4 years

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Psycho-Neuro-Immunology

Psycho - thoughts and emotions

Neuro - brain and nervous system

Immunology - the study of the immune system

Psychoneuroimmunology is a relatively new study on how the mind influences the immune system. There is conclusive research that indicates that our thoughts and feelings have a direct affect on our immune system function. The aim of this article is to breakdown this science into a simple to understand format with practical applications.

Psychoneuroimmunology (PNI for short) is a study of the Mind-body connection. PNI researchers study how our emotions and thoughts impact:

- The brain

- Hormones (endocrine)

- Nervous system

- Immune system.

Your thoughts affect your immune system. It can work the opposite way as well —-changes in the immune system create changes in your nervous system which lead to changes in your emotions. Quiet simply put stress and unhealthy eating habits can influence how you think and feel.

PNI research is concerned with the subtle interactions between our nervous, endocrine and immune systems and disease. The interaction between the different systems are complex but can be explained in a simplified manner.

For example, if you are experiencing fear, anger or other emotions that may increase your stress level, then these unsettling thoughts are picked up by the brain. The brain then stimulates the endocrine system to release hormones that have an adverse effect on the immune cell’s ability to divide. This causes a decline in immune function which may result in your becoming more susceptible to illness.

Simply put - your mental state affects your immunity. Research today is beginning to unravel the complex connection between your psychological state and your immune system.

The Immune System:

The immune system is a complex network of cells and proteins that defends the body against infection.

The body’s protective unit - first line of defense.

The immune system protects body against alien bacteria, viruses, fungi and parasites (invaders).

Destroys invaders using an army of white blood cells, natural killer cells and T-cells.

Promoting good gut bacteria is the key to a strong and potent immune system.

The immune system is comprised of organs, tissues, cells and cell products that all work together to fight harmful substances like the pathogens that cause infection and disease.

If our lives are greatly influenced by the hormones of stress, then the natural function of the immune system is suppressed, which leaves us more prone to illness or disease.

When stress is prolonged or unrelenting, it becomes known as chronic stress. Chronic or bad stress can be detrimental to mental and physical health. Constant worrying about things like family or problems are examples of chronic stress. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is another form of chronic stress.

The immune system is a collection of billions of cells that travel through the bloodstream. They move in and out of tissues and organs, defending the body against foreign bodies (antigens) such as bacteria, viruses and cancerous cells.

The main types of immune cells are white blood cells. There are two types of white blood cells:

- Lymphocytes

- Phagocytes

There are two types of lymphocytes:

B cells - produce antibodies which are released into the fluid surrounding the body’s cells to destroy the invading viruses and bacteria.

T cells - if the invader gets inside a cell, these (T cells) lock on to the infected cell, multiply, and destroy it.

When we’re stressed, the immune system’s ability to fight off antigens is reduced. That is why we are more susceptible to infections.

The stress hormone corticosteroid can suppress the effectiveness of the immune system (e.g. lowers the number of lymphocytes).

Healthy Mind Vs Stressful Mind

Being positive and having a healthy perspective could be the difference between longevity and disease. Every thought you have produces a chemical which signals the body to feel exactly the way you are thinking. In turn your thoughts will generate feelings, and your feelings will generate thoughts. This creates a vicious cycle — being mindful of your thoughts in the morning could be the difference in what type of day you have.

The release of stress hormones is the result of a number of complex and interacting factors such as the interaction between the stressors and our perception of the stress. How we perceive an event plays a very significant role in whether the stressor triggers our stress response or not.

One of the most important factors of stress management is the role that our perception plays in stress. Most people believe that it is external stressful situations or people that cause their stress. But this is not accurate, if it were everybody who was exposed to a particular stressor would be affected, which is not the case — we all react to “stressful” situations differently.

For example; if our perception is influenced by pessimistic thinking style, the potential event will be perceived as more of a threat than say another person exposed to the same potential stressful event but who has a flexible, non-rigid, optimistic thinking style.

How you perceive reality effects not only your physiology but also your health and wellbeing.

Stress can cause unhealthy behavioural coping strategies such as:

Drinking

Smoking

Drugs

Gambling

Shopping

Eating

Stress is also linked to:

Headaches (migraines)

Infectious illness (viruses)

Cardiovascular disease

Diabetes

Asthma

GI issues (gut health)

Auto immune disease

”Your cells will either be in a state of growth or protection and if your mind is ‘stressed out,’ then your cells are in a suppressed state, a.k.a breakdown mode—which will leave your body wide open and more susceptible to illness or disease.” ~ Bruce Lipton

Chronic stress:

Creates chronic inflammatory conditions.

Suppresses the smooth operation of the digestive system.

Lowers the immunity of those who otherwise have a healthy immune system.

When long-term stress becomes chronic, high levels of cortisol (stress hormone) begin circulating in the blood for an extended period of time.

All you need to know is that excessive amounts of CORTISOL run HAVOC in your body system.

We can reduce our stress levels by changing our thinking habits — outdated negative perceptions can lead to distorted thinking patterns which can paint events much worse than they actually are — keeping the vicious cycle of stress turning.

Our perceptions can be shaped by past experiences — perceiving reality through the lenses of the past. Let’s face it not all of our experiences have been full of joy and love, so it’s critical to identify the perceptions that are outdated and change them to healthy ones.

Stress Management Tips...

Keep a positive attitude.

Accept that there are events that you cannot control.

Be assertive instead of aggressive. Assert your feelings, opinions, or beliefs instead of becoming angry, defensive, or passive.

Learn and practice relaxation techniques meditation, deep breathing, mindfulness & excepting term of ur current life.

Exercise regularly. Your body can fight stress better when it is fit.

Eat healthy, well-balanced meals.

Learn to manage your time more effectively.

Set limits appropriately and learn to say no to requests that would create excessive stress in your life.

Make time for hobbies, interests, and relaxation.

Get enough rest and sleep. Your body needs time to recover from stressful events.

Don't rely on alcohol, drugs, or compulsive behaviors to reduce stress.

Cells can transmit and receive non-physical packages of information that influences their behaviour.

Think about it - a stressful state changes the heart beat to be erratic which sends out pressure waves (informational waves of energy) to signals cells to change their behaviour (emergency state).

Stress disrupts all the major organs in the body that contribute to having a disrupted energy field.

When you are stressed, the cells in your body will be given information that keeps them in a protective state.

"Cells are either in a state of growth (harmony) or protection (stress) — they cannot be in both."

Our conscious minds have the power to influence cell behaviour — cells respond to thoughts — the stronger the emotional charge behind the thought, the more cells react.

Factors that influence cell behaviour:

• Stress

• Diet

• Exercise

• Sleep

• Perception

• Mind set

• Emotions

How you process and define different aspects of your life ultimately signals your cells to be in a state of growth or protection.

Learning to consciously harmonise your mind and body will enable you to upkeep the integrity of the cells in your body.

Question:

How does my mood effect my immunity?

Answer: If you regularly experience low vibrational emotions such as fear, anger or other emotions that may increase your stress levels, then it will be extremely difficult for you to maintain balance within the systems of the body.

Low vibrational emotions will begin to disturb your thoughts because the brain will pick up on the emotional feedback from the body.

The hormonal system in the body (endocrine) is a major player when it comes to maintaining a healthy balance. Stress disrupts the natural order of the endocrine system resulting that can result in chemical imbalances.

There are many medical conditions that remain a mystery to doctors and science that maybe caused by chemical-hormonal imbalances in the body. If the adrenal glands are overactive (stress hormone glands) then the other glands suppressed from their natural function.

The adrenal glands are taking up all the energy to activate stress hormones which suppress the other glands from naturally maintaining chemical/hormonal balance in the body.

MEDITATION IS MEDICATION

Meditation induces the relaxation response in the body which allows the body to reset and balance — creating coherence within all systems of the body. The relaxation response is our physical way of reversing the effects of stress and the physical stress response.

Individuals with high levels of stress should adopt a regular meditation practice to restore balance back in the body.

#pni #immunity #immunesystem #stress #self love #inspiration #knowthyself #attitudeofgratitude #leadfromwithin #facetheday #facethefear #understanding #joy

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wearyewe · 4 years

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...The candidates were talking about health care. At first, Biden sounded strong, confident, presidential: “My plan makes a limit of co-pay to be One. Thousand. Dollars. Because we—”

He stopped. He pinched his eyes closed. He lifted his hands and thrust them forward, as if trying to pull the missing sound from his mouth. “We f-f-f-f-further support—” He opened his eyes. “The uh-uh-uh-uh—” His chin dipped toward his chest. “The-uh, the ability to buy into the Obamacare plan.” Biden also stumbled when trying to say immune system.

Fox News edited these moments into a mini montage. Stifling laughter, the host Steve Hilton narrated: “As the right words struggled to make that perilous journey from Joe Biden’s brain to Joe Biden’s mouth, half the time he just seemed to give up with this somewhat tragic and limp admission of defeat.”

Several days later, Biden’s team got back in touch with me. One of his aides gingerly asked whether I’d noticed the former vice president stutter during the debate. Of course I had—I stutter, far worse than Biden. The aide said he was ready to talk about it. In November, after Biden stumbled multiple times during a debate in Atlanta, the topic would become even more relevant.

...Stuttering is a neurological disorder that affects roughly 70 million people, about 3 million of whom live in the United States. It has a strong genetic component: Two-thirds of stutterers have a family member who actively stutters or used to. Biden’s uncle on his mother’s side—“Uncle Boo-Boo,” as he was called—stuttered his whole life.

In the most basic sense, a stutter is a repetition, prolongation, or block in producing a sound. It typically presents between the ages of 2 and 4, in up to twice as many boys as girls, who also have a higher recovery rate. During the developmental years, some children’s stutter will disappear completely without intervention or with speech therapy. The longer someone stutters, however, the lower the chances of a full recovery—perhaps due to the decreasing plasticity of the brain. Research suggests that no more than a quarter of people who still stutter at 10 will completely rid themselves of the affliction as adults.

The cultural perception of stutterers is that they’re fearful, anxious people, or simply dumb, and that stuttering is the result. But it doesn’t work like that. Let’s say you’re in fourth grade and you have to stand up and recite state capitals. You know that Juneau is the capital of Alaska, but you also know that you almost always block on the j sound. You become intensely anxious not because you don’t know the answer, but because you do know the answer, and you know you’re going to stutter on it.

Stuttering can feel like a series of betrayals. Your body betrays you when it refuses to work in concert with your brain to produce smooth speech. Your brain betrays you when it fails to recall the solutions you practiced after school with a speech therapist, allegedly in private, later learning that your mom was on the other side of a mirror, watching in the dark like a detective. If you’re a lucky stutterer, you have friends and family who build you back up, but sometimes your protectors betray you too.

...The students are taking turns reading a book, one by one, up and down the rows. “I could count down how many paragraphs, and I’d memorize it, because I found it easier to memorize than look at the page and read the word. I’d pretend to be reading,” Biden says. “You learned early on who the hell the bullies were,” he tells me later. “You could tell by the look, couldn’t you?”

...“The paragraph I had to read was: ‘Sir Walter Raleigh was a gentleman. He laid his cloak upon the muddy road suh-suh-so the lady wouldn’t soil her shoes when she entered the carriage,’ ” Biden tells me, slightly and unintentionally tripping up on the word so. “And I said, ‘Sir Walter Raleigh was a gentle man who—’ and then the nun said, ‘Mr. Biden, what is that word?’ And it was gentleman that she wanted me to say, not gentle man. And she said, ‘Mr. Buh-Buh-Buh-Biden, what’s that word?’ ”

...Listening back to that part of the conversation after our interview made me feel dizzy. I can only speculate as to why Biden’s campaign agreed to this interview, but I assume the reasoning went something like this: If Biden disclosed to me, a person who stutters, that he himself still actively stutters, perhaps voters would cut him some slack when it comes to verbal misfires, as well as errors that seem more related to memory and cognition.

But whenever I asked Biden about what appeared to be his present-day stuttering, the notably verbose candidate became clipped, or said he didn’t remember, or spun off to somewhere new.

I wondered if I reminded Biden of his old self, a ghost from his youth, the stutterer he used to be. He and I are about the same height. We happened to be wearing the exact same outfit that day: navy suit, white shirt, no tie. We both went to all-male prep schools, the sort of place where displaying any weakness is a liability.

As I listened to the recording of our interview, I remembered how I used to respond when people asked me about my stutter. I’d shut down. I’d try to change the subject. I’d almost always look away.

...This evolution in treatment has been accompanied by a new movement to destigmatize the disorder, similar to the drive to view autism through a lens of “neurodiversity” rather than as a pathology. The idea is to accept, even embrace, one’s stutter. There are practical reasons for this: Research shows, according to Donaher, that the simple disclosure “I stutter” benefits both the stutterer and the listener—the former gets to explain what’s happening and ease the awkward tension so the latter isn’t stuck wondering what’s “wrong” with this person. Saying those two words is harder than it seems. “I’m working with people who spend their whole lives and are never able to disclose it,” Donaher told me.

Eric S. Jackson, an assistant professor of communicative sciences and disorders at NYU, told me he believes that Biden’s eye movements—the blinks, the downward glances—are part of his ongoing efforts to manage his stutter. “As kids we figure out: Oh, if I move parts of my body not associated with the speech system, sometimes it helps me get through these blocks faster,” Jackson, a stutterer himself, explained. Jackson credits an intensive program at the American Institute for Stuttering, in Manhattan, with bringing him back from a “rock bottom” period in his mid-20s, when he says his stutter kept him from meeting women or speaking up enough to reach his professional goals. Afterward, Jackson went all in on disclosure: Every day for six months, he stood up during the subway ride to and from work and announced that he was a person who stutters. “I had this new relationship with my stuttering—I was like Hercules,” he told me. At 41, Jackson still stutters, but in conversation he confidently maintains eye contact and appears relaxed. He wishes Biden would be more transparent about his intermittent disfluency. “Running for president is essentially the biggest stage in the world. For him to come out and say ‘I still stutter and it’s fine’ would be an amazing, empowering message.”

Occasionally, Biden has used present-tense verbs when discussing his stutter. “I find myself, when I’m tired, cuh-cuh-catching myself, like that,” he said during a 2016 American Institute for Stuttering speech. Biden has used the phrase we stutterers at times, but in most public appearances and interviews, Biden talks about how he overcame his speech problem, and how he believes others can too. You can watch videos posted by his campaign in which Biden meets young stutterers and encourages them to follow his lead. They’re sweet clips, even if the underlying message—beat it or bust—is out of sync with the normalization movement.

Emma Alpern is a 32-year-old copy editor who co-leads the Brooklyn chapter of the National Stuttering Association and co-founded NYC Stutters, which puts on a day-long conference for stuttering destigmatization. Alpern told me that she’s on a group text with other stutterers who regularly discuss Biden, and that it’s been “frustrating” to watch the media portray Biden’s speech impediment as a sign of mental decline or dishonesty. “Biden allows that to happen by not naming it for what it is,” she said, though she’s not sure that his presidential candidacy would benefit if he were more forthcoming. “I think he’s dug himself into a hole of not saying that he still stutters for so long that it would strike people as a little weird.”

...As he watched The King’s Speech, Biden accurately guessed that the screenwriter, David Seidler, was a stutterer. “He showed me a copy of a speech they found in an attic that the king had actually used, where he marks his—it’s exactly what I do!” Biden tells me, his voice lifting. “My staff, when I have them put something on a prompter—I wish I had something to show you.”

He pulls out a legal pad and begins drawing diagonal lines a few inches apart, as if diagramming invisible sentences: x words, breath, y words, breath. “Because it’s just the way I have—the, the best way for me to read a, um, a speech. I mean, when I saw The King’s Speech, and the speech—I didn’t know anybody who did that!”

...A stutter does not get worse as a person ages, but trying to keep it at bay can take immense physical and mental energy. Biden talks all day to audiences both small and large. In addition to periodically stuttering or blocking on certain sounds, he appears to intentionally not stutter by switching to an alternative word—a technique called “circumlocution”—which can yield mangled syntax. I’ve been following practically everything he’s said for months now, and sometimes what is quickly characterized as a memory lapse is indeed a stutter. As Eric Jackson, the speech pathologist, pointed out to me, during a town hall in August Biden briefly blocked on Obama, before quickly subbing in my boss. The headlines after the event? “Biden Forgets Obama’s Name.” Other times when Biden fudges a detail or loses his train of thought, it seems unrelated to stuttering, like he’s just making a mistake. The kind of mistake other candidates make too, though less frequently than he does.

During his 2016 address at the American Institute for Stuttering, Biden told the room that he’d turned down an invitation to speak at a dinner organized by the group years earlier. “I was afraid if people knew I stuttered,” he said, “they would have thought something was wrong with me.”

Yet even when sharing these old, hard stories, Biden regularly characterizes stuttering as “the best thing that ever happened” to him. “Stuttering gave me an insight I don’t think I ever would have had into other people’s pain,” he says. I admire his empathy, even if I disagree with his strict adherence to a tidy redemption narrative.

In Biden’s office, as my time is about to run out, I bring up the fact that Trump crudely mocked a disabled New York Times reporter during the 2016 campaign. “So far, he’s called you ‘Sleepy Joe.’ Is ‘St-St-St-Stuttering Joe’ next?”

“I don’t think so,” Biden says, “because if you ask the polls ‘Does Biden stutter? Has he ever stuttered?,’ you’d have 80 to 95 percent of people say no.” If Trump goes there, Biden adds, “it’ll just expose him for what he is.”

I ask Biden something else we’ve been circling: whether he worries that people would pity him if they thought he still stuttered.

He scratches his chin, his fingers trembling slightly. “Well, I guess, um, it’s kind of hard to pity a vice president. It’s kind of hard to pity a senator who’s gotten six zillion awards. It’s kind of hard to pity someone who has had, you know, a decent family. I-I-I-I don’t think if, now, if someone sits and says, ‘Well, you know, the kid, when he was a stutterer, he must have been really basically stupid,’ I-I-I don’t think it’s hard to—I’ve never thought of that. I mean, there’s nobody in the last, I don’t know, 55 years, has ever said anything like that to me.”

He slips back into politician mode, safe mode, Uncle Joe mode: “I hope what they see is: Be mindful of people who are in situations where their difficulties do not define their character, their intellect. Because that’s what I tell stutterers. You can’t let it define you.” He leans across the desk. “And you haven’t.” He’s in my face now. “You can’t let it define you. You’re a really bright guy.”

He’s telling me, in essence, that my stutter doesn’t matter, which is what I want to tell him right back. But here’s the thing: Most of the time, Biden speaks smoothly, and perhaps he sincerely does not believe that he still stutters at all. Or maybe Biden is simply telling me the story he’s told himself for several decades, the one he’s memorized, the one he can comfortably express. I don’t want to hear Biden say “I still stutter” to prove some grand point; I want to hear him say it because doing so as a presidential candidate would mean that stuttering truly doesn’t matter—for him, for me, or for our 10-year-old selves...

-------

Vote for whomever you think would be the best president. There are plenty of valid reasons to prefer one candidate over another. But stop spouting off bullshit conspiracy theories while pretending to be an expert in speech pathology, stuttering, AND senility. (And realize you’re also implicitly calling everyone with a stutter or any speech disorder mentally demented or mentally deficient).

#long post #don't care #this shit is starting to really piss me off #and sounds exactly like the shit the alt-right and fox news puts out

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parentsnevertoldus · 4 years

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little-t trauma

CW// health issues, death, suicide, homophobia, racism

When I was little, I thought that “drama” and “trauma” were the same thing. Middle school drama consisted of which popular long-haired sk8er boy was scooping the boobs of which popular pubescent girl; whose secrets were exposed when someone was ousted from their friend group; which 8th graders were dating high school seniors. While, in my experience, these words can often describe each other--drama can be traumatic and vice versa--they mean two different things. However, looking back on my childhood as I got older, I realized the way I had used them interchangeably was, well, correct.

Whether it’s “Big-T Trauma” or “little-t trauma,” the psychological and physiological responses are the same. Big-T Trauma is an event that happens once but is extremely impactful all at one time, for example, death, assault, and attack, or witnessing an attack. These instances are often more accepted by wider society as stressful. Little-t trauma is by no means less traumatic. However, these recurring events are often invalidated and normalized by society; the burden is often shifted to the victim with the expectation that one should just “get over it.” Examples of these include chronic bullying, racism, body-shaming, sexism, and other forms of everyday violence and discrimination. What determines whether we call it trauma in the first place is how we feel after the experience. The more frightened or helpless you feel, the more likely that this is trauma.

Having to let boys playfully “scoop” your boobs every day at school or risk social ostracization? Trauma. Having your deepest darkest secrets exposed at school? Trauma. Being ousted from your friend group? Trauma. Dating someone way too old for you? Trauma. Being the only Black kid at your school? Trauma. Trying to pass for straight? Trauma. Hiding your gender identity from everyone you know? Trauma. No one deserves that.

Minority Stress is a little-t trauma (in contrast to the big-T Trauma of a hate crime). The term minority stress refers to the excess recurring stress to which individuals from stigmatized social categories are exposed as a result of their position as a social minority. This stress from alienation accumulates over time and results in both physiological and mental health issues.

How Trauma Affects the Body

Increased blood pressure: have you ever heard the expression “higher than a Black man’s blood pressure?” Some epidemiological studies have found that exposure to racial discrimination was positively related to elevated levels of blood pressure in Black people (1). Experiencing discrimination in a broad range of contexts can induce considerable stress.

Higher rates of chronic disease: Everyday discrimination is positively associated with coronary artery calcification (9), diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, depression, cancer, and early death (12). Because of this, not only do POC (specifically Black people) experience worse health earlier, but this deterioration accumulates giving rise to higher cortisol levels and inflammation in racial, sexual, and gender minorities alike (13).

Poor sleep: Black people are less likely than white people to have a decline in blood pressure during sleep, which is associated with increased risk for mortality and traumatic cardiovascular events like heart attacks (11).

Birthing mortality: The weathering hypothesis proposes that the health of Black women may begin to deteriorate in early adulthood as a physical consequence of cumulative socioeconomic disadvantage. This age the body via an increase in allostatic load, the physiological burden imposed by stress: norepinephrine, epinephrine, cortisol, and DHEA-S which gives rise to elevated blood pressure & cholesterol (14). During childbirth, these problems are correlated with higher rates of fetal/neonatal death and death of the birthing person as well as low birth weights and prematurely born babies.

Mental health and physical health are inextricably linked.

How Trauma Affects Us Socially & Emotionally

Psychological distress: Perceptions of discrimination are related to high levels of psychological distress, low levels of life satisfaction & happiness, depressive symptoms, poorer physical health (2), & cognitive impairment (10). Internalized racism is correlated with higher levels of alcohol use (3) while internalized homophobia correlates to higher levels of illicit drug use.

Fatalism: Understanding one's position as a victim of oppression, rather than lessening the degree of personal responsibility, diminishes feelings of self-efficacy. This leads to a fatalistic attitude that reduces coping effort in the face of adversity (4,5) and, in gay men, is correlated to increased risk of death by suicide.

Stereotype threat: When someone is aware of the negative stereotypes that are applied to them, this creates expectations, anxieties, and reactions that can adversely affect social & psychological functioning (6). When a stigma of inferiority is activated for Black people in experimental conditions, exam performance worsens. Similarly, women who were told that they perform worse than men had lower exam scores than control groups (7). Stereotype threat can increase anxiety, reduce self-regulation, & impair decision-making processes and communication abilities (8).

Trauma makes it hard to trust others; it makes us want to self-isolate from friends and family, snap at loved ones more frequently, makes us more susceptible to disease and chronic flare-ups, and startle more easily. Traumatic experiences, especially ones we face daily and have little control over (microaggressions, anyone?), can lead to hopelessness and chronic mental illness. And while white cisgender heterosexuals have problems too, the problems that oppressed minority groups face have a much larger effect on their cardiovascular systems and overall health.

Discrimination and oppression are literally killing people. In a capitalist society where you are only as valuable as your economic or reproductive output (#tbt to the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade), where women and minorities are barred access to equal healthcare, thus decreasing their values as workers, the cycle of poverty continues.

Ever wonder where the Angry Black Woman stereotype came from? Ever think that maybe her anger was justified?

While this article focuses on Black people and cishet white gay men, let's remember the overall message: experiencing oppression (external and internalized) causes mental and physical health problems that are NOT YOUR FAULT. These experiences are compounded at the intersections of our marginalized identities which further aggravates the tangible effects of systemic oppression. And guess what? You deserve fucking better.

Click here for some self-care ideas and techniques!

Sources

1. Krieger N. & Sidney S. Racial and discrimination: risk factors for high blood pressure? Social Science & Medicine. 1990; 30 (12): 1273-81.

2. Williams & Chung, in press (NSBA)

3. Taylor, R. J., & Chatters, L. M. (1991). Nonorganizational religious participation among elderly black adults. Journal of Gerontology: Social Sciences, 46(2), S103-111.

4. Jones, E., & Matsumoto, D. (1982). Psychotherapy with the underserved: Recent developments. In L. Snowden (Ed.), Reaching the underserved: Mental health needs of neglected populations. Beverly Hills: Sage Publications.

5. Neighbors, H. W., Jackson, J. S., Broman, C. L., & Thompson, E. (1996). Racism and the mental health of African Americans: The role of self and system blame. Ethnicity and Disease, 6(1-2), 167-175.

6. Fischer, C. S., Hout, M., Jankowski, M. S., Lucas, S. R., Swidler, A., Voss, K. (1996). Inequality by design: Cracking the bell curve myth Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press

7. Steele, C. M. (1997). A threat in the air: How stereotypes shape intellectual identity and performance. American Psychologist, 52(6), 613-629.

8. Inzlicht, M., Kang, S. K. (2010). Stereotype threat spillover: How coping with threats to social identity affects aggression, eating, decision making, and attention. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(3), 467-481.

9. Lewis, T. T., Barnes, L. L., Bienias, J. L., Lackland, D. T., Evans, D. A., Mendes de Leon, C. F.(2009). Perceived discrimination and blood pressure in older African American and White adults. Journals of Gerontology Series A: Biological Sciences and Medical Sciences, 64A(9), 1002-1008.

10. Barnes, L. L., Lewis, T. T., Begeny, C. T., Yu, L., Bennett, D. A., Wilson, R. S. (2012). Perceived discrimination and cognition in older African Americans. Journal of the International Neuropsychological Society, 18(5), 856-865.

11. Profant, J., Dimsdale, J. E. (1999). Race and diurnal blood pressure patterns: A review and meta-analysis. Hypertension, 33(5), 1099-1104.

12. National Research Council (US) Panel on Race, Ethnicity, and Health in Later Life; Anderson NB, Bulatao RA, Cohen B, editors. Critical Perspectives on Racial and Ethnic Differences in Health in Late Life. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2004. 14, Significance of Perceived Racism: Toward Understanding Ethnic Group Disparities in Health, the Later Years. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK25531/

13. Gender differences in age-related changes in HPA axis reactivity.

Seeman TE, Singer B, Wilkinson CW, McEwen B

Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2001 Apr; 26(3):225-40.

14. Price of adaptation--allostatic load and its health consequences. MacArthur studies of successful aging.

Seeman TE, Singer BH, Rowe JW, Horwitz RI, McEwen BS

Arch Intern Med. 1997 Oct 27; 157(19):2259-68.

#trauma #mental health #queer #poc #homophobia #internalized homophobia #internalized hate #queer sex ed #antiblack #body #fatphobia

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mattamyers · 4 years

Text

My long journey of healing has continued

It’s been years since my last blog post. I’ve decided I will start to post a log of my days, when my mental energy allows, when I feel well or positive or organized enough to do so. I’m not sure how this practice will evolve, however I’m wanting to actively start sharing my story, where I’m at, so people can start to get to know me - and what my days are like, how my life is hopefully evolving, moving forward - as well as the difficulties I face daily. What’s changed most recently is that the last stem cell treatment I did in the Cayman Islands has improved my executive function and recovery time from activity more, where posting regularly of longer form text seems like a possibility now - at least in this fairly stream of consciousness, limited organizational executive function way. Unfortunately the post-LASIK eye pain (corneal neuralgia) has proved itself to be the mainstay of pain, causing the majority of the executive function disruption, dysfunction. Yes, I struggle dealing with a varying degree of severity of being suicidal. No, once I decide I can’t do this anymore then I will not be letting anyone know - I have already tried multiple times to get help in our healthcare system, to which I was exposed to what in the future will be considered barbaric care provided due to a number of factors, however heavily due to indoctrination and a lack of multidisciplinary understanding and care; as which as I hopefully am able to share, you will see highlighted in my multiyear effort to help save Taylor, a friend, save her from from the broken system and from herself and her coping mechanism, who is trapped in it due to the funnel toward hospitalization and under care of the non-multidisciplinary care of psychiatric doctors - where that profession somehow has been allowed to capture and have a monopoly on a person’s care even if physical symptoms play a primary role in their dis-ease; the system having allowed her dis-ease progression to continue over years - most recently seeing how inadequate and arguably negligent care provided by not only doctors who are in control of her during hospitalization but also by legal aid that was provided her.

I’m not inherently broken, I’m not clinically depressed. As I’ve healed myself further and follow holistic health practices I’ve strengthened my nervous system, and unfortunately that has only had the affect of allowing me to feel pain more clearly, sharply - in higher definition, resolution. I can still smile, have a conversation - story tell and reason. What’s difficult for people to understand is how the constant, strong pain that refers from my eyes (primarily right eye) affects and sensitizes my nervous system - how that is a constant battle that exhausts me mentally and causes my executive function to be greatly impaired as well - increasingly so with added stress, physical or emotional - and tied to that the more potential emotion or stress tied into a decision, with more complex decisions being worse or having a stronger aversion, the more difficult it is to move forward - to get past the pain. Most of my days, weeks, are full of frustrations, exhaustion, of reminders of where I am at and what my life is like - how stagnant it is. I do my best to be on a positive line of thought, to having and being able to hold onto hope - for my projects and toward finding a solution that may help me tolerate the eye pain by reducing it further.

If I can successfully rally my designer friends to be able to help focus me and to help move the presentation forward for my greater plans, my vision for a health-wellness differentiated ecosystem - and ultimately towards building a city to compete with the status quo - their help to develop and refine the plan, then they may give me enough hope to keep fighting through the eye pain until hopefully research finds a solution to heal it with stem cells, regenerative medicine.

January 29, 2020

8:35am

I’ve parked myself now at Balzac’s Ryerson. I took the bus and had three nice interactions on the way. The first was letting someone who was running for the bus and about to get an an almost crammed bus, that another bus was right behind. He thanked me and made sure I got on first. At the next stop a man was at the back doors which I was sitting behind, however no one was getting out - I tried to push the bars to open the door but the green lights weren’t on since the stop wasn’t requested. He thanked me, smiling as he walked towards me from the front. The final interaction was the man sitting next to me, who turned out to one a first year student at Ryerson in Urban and Regional Planning. He was reading a book by Jane Jacobs, which I asked if it was worth reading. I told him first that after high school I first went to Ryerson, in his current program, though filtered myself out after first year due to not seeing myself having that career for the next 40+ years; irony perhaps that all along I was developing necessary skills, knowledge, and experience toward creating my New City and New City model. Everyone else on the bus was relatively asleep, unengaged, unsocial.

8:50am

I hadn’t used my laptop much yesterday, except a little before bed and the screen at a distance - less than 5 minutes really. Today I’m already feeling the eye pain increasing significantly compared to what I felt anytime yesterday, and how much it’s distracting my thinking, mental organization.

9:05am

Since my last stem cell treatment in the Cayman Islands significantly healing in particular my cervical and lumbar spine, I can be more mobile and the pain is reduced enough where if I don’t completely overdo it, I can have some level of executive function to manage myself. However now I am able to experience this contrast of more mobility - which keeps me away from my laptop screen - with how strongly my laptop screen triggers the burning sensation, pain of my eyes (most noticeably my right eye) and its cascading symptoms of headache and fascial tension increasing in my body. My focusing ability is decreasing from where I started before being in front of my screen, however how far it will degrade compared to before, I am still getting used to - however I can feel a building mental exhaustion as I’m having to counter, push against the aversion caused by the increase of pain triggered by the laptop screen light.

9:21am

My right eye more easily wants to shut too, an autonomous guard mechanism to protect itself, compared to yesterday throughout most of the day.

9:50am

I have been wanting to focus on, direct my attention, to finishing - so I can conclude my attention - the past week, especially the last few days, of a very heavily emotional and stressful event where I’ve been trying my best to help save a close friend I’ve known for a few years - to save her from herself, and from our healthcare system that has been adequate and negligent in her care - and is currently hospitalized, again, where he disease progression has been able to worsen because of specific, narrow scope of psychiatric care ignoring the importance of body health — in Taylor’s case needing proper treatment - a safe container, environment - to treat gut, sensory disorder (hypersensitivity; autistic characteristic), and for

“The lesser of two evils” - sharing Taylor’s story from my observations vs. being afraid and not exposing the system with an actual real person, case study to reference in high detail from a narrow and holistic view - while respecting privacy and not exposing any identifiable details that only doctors or other people Taylor shared with could would be the “lesser of two evils” as Taylor likes to say; and hopefully everyone has the integrity and rigor to not share what they shouldn’t, particularly if bound by privacy laws.

10:28am

As the body pain, from walking the amount I have today - from house to closest TTC bus stop, from destination stop to cafe, and around cafe a bit to purchase tea, water refills, and bathroom break(s) - has been calming, desensitizing, localizing - I’m more clearly able to feel the tension and soreness referring from my right eye, down through my right ear, down back of my neck on right side, and so on. When I close my eyes, right eye in particular, the desensitizing, localization can start to unwind relatively quickly before compared to the Cayman Islands treatment - however the discomfort is still quite distracting. I am curious — and afraid to go to acupuncture again, which I went too a short bit before going to the Caymans - not having done acupuncture for at least 2 years — to see how strongly acupuncture now will clear as it does, and how strongly it leaves me specifically and clearly feeling the right eye pain as an intense burning, searing sensation - which last time lasted for 8 hours or so, that sensation only diminishing as my body re-sensitized and therefore masked out the perception of the eye pain; it makes me wonder if others who have done LASIK, if they had clearly flowing, non-stagnant energy to begin or even if doing acupuncture for long enough to open their energy flows up - would experience post-LASIK symptoms differently, more clearly than before opening their body up; similarly regarding Ayahuasca ceremonies, marijuana use, or other psychedelics.

I believe more now too that since the neck and jaw pain has been healed more - reducing the masking, allowing me to more clearly feel what’s going on in these sensitization vs. localization flows/cycles due to pain - that the right eye pain’s referring pain sensitizes (makes hypersensitive) the tissue on the right side of my jaw increases, the soreness, and pain increases - even with limited to no use from chewing food (I haven’t eaten yet today). The sensitization of my teeth seems more clear now too, which at the moment I can feel much more than when I first woke up this morning - in line with the jaw pain increasing too.

11am

I just stepped away to the bathroom to go pee. As I was sitting — something I’ve been doing for a long while because for a long time was too difficult to relax enough to pee standing, my body didn’t trust standing if more relaxed — I closed my eyes and let myself relax as much as I could. During this time I could start feeling muscles in my jaw and face on the right side fluttering, spasming some. I hadn’t felt the jaw muscles spasms, fluttering before, only muscles around and closer to my right eye that I could feel where that’d happen — something I haven’t actually written much about or maybe not even at all; it’s the muscles being able to start relaxing but still not quite able to, with the reduced constant pain of my eye being closed for that short period after sensitization.

I’m able to more easily notice, along side with the pattern cascading from the right eye pain when I open my eyes each morning, when sitting and trying to be in a more relaxed state, in slouching posture and using back of chair to rest again — that my neck still wants to go into a more back and to a right position — something that before I couldn’t as easily allow, because perhaps the guard mechanism pattern was pulling my neck back too strongly, from there being too much pain being referred; it’s possible that that guard mechanism is triggered, such as that if say a “present moment” injury to the eye was occurring — a good, natural quick, rapid action reflex, would be to pull your head back and away; it was only in the last few months that I started theorizing that, and now that I’ve continued to have substantial neck pain from injuries healed - I wonder 1 )how much is still due to remaining injury, 2) how much is due to old patterns that need time to trust the neck and surrounding tissues are safe (as they dance and slowly heal with physiotherapy etc), and 3) how much of that reflex is caused by the referring pain from my right eye?

12:22pm

I can feel that I’m still reconnecting to and slowly processing stress from the last week, the last few days. It’s good, very good that my body can start to processing things emotionally more easily again since last treatment even with a relatively higher amount of physical activity compared to before — but unfortunately still what that means — as to the reason why there was such resistance, difficult, aversion to emotion processing before — that I’m grounding, grinding into my body - with the friction of the aversion to remaining pain — and where the post-LASIK eye pain is still the primary contributor; I do wonder and theorize that there is an abnormal inflammatory response (perhaps EDS related or that causes similar symptoms of EDS) - whether in brain and/or body - that leads to a central sensitization affect [effect?] to cascade so strongly, and therefore that many people who has done LASIK don’t have the same level of severe symptoms.

1:06pm

Taylor just texted me again. I responded saying I didn’t need the fork and plastic container her mother took home to finish the food I brought Taylor to dine with her in the hospital on some quality food that would be safe for her - steak and kale, to get high calorie and nutrient dense food in her, in with what little she eats due to an aversion from years long untreated gut pain and nausea; I said I don’t care to spend the time, energy, or money to go to her mother’s to pick it up, and to take care.

Taylor continued to reply in her usual way which I won’t outline here. She communicates often by referencing songs for how she feels that she believes relates to the current situation. I took that opportunity to then respond in equal by saying the song that came to me was In the Arms of the Angel Sarah McLachlan - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pvf_OBuJVE - as well as to notify her I was blocking her phone number again, and that she can email me if she wants - however that I don’t know how often I will check it; long ago I started having to block her phone number at different points, and redirect her emails to automatically archive - so I don’t see them unless I search for her email, in order to protect myself from being triggered or pulled into what can emails or texts as bombardments to well-thought out pleads that she needs help - intelligent, and eloquent, and an expert seductress as one of her coping mechanisms to bring in various qualities of support, company, as a means to distract herself; always as her most desperate, in her darkest hours, has she consciously and even once subconsciously (where her ego mind boundaries and controls for respecting someone else’ wishes to not contact me through phone directly getting superseded by a short-circuiting of sorts due to how degraded, ungrounded, destabilized her thinking has become — reached out to me again with a different phone number; this has happened 6+ times over the last 2+ years — where I learn more, understand her patterns, and how deeply the inadequate care goes with her recurring hospitalizations into psychiatric care over these years as well.

To be fair, it only feels right to share: my voluntarily hospitalization December 2017 is when I first met her in hospital. I had been struggling for over a year at that point with debilitating pain that severely fucked up my executive function. My decision making, mental organization, emotional processing — and in general anything related to thinking about moving forward — the planning triggering a slight stress as a preparation into the body readying to actually move, causing an aversion due to even thought about moving forward/organization of future — was extremely difficult. The only coping that worked was greatly limiting my activity every day, reducing any possible irritants from diet as much as possible, and usually I’d keep my right eye closed for up to hours every morning after waking up to slow how quickly the post-LASIK eye pain would ramp up and sensitize the rest of my body and its pain, making it hypersensitive to pain. That day in 2017 I knew if I had gone home I would have taken my life, having desperately struggled for around a year by that point to find support to help me with tasks - with organizing, planning — for basic things as well as for finding somewhere to do more stem cell treatments (longer story I won’t share now), with more complex tasks with more steps being more difficult, a stronger aversion, towards acting including on how much emotion would be surrounding or behind the decision or action that needed to be taken.

1:33pm

I’m sitting by the door at Balzac’s - was only window seat available when I arrived. I just got a chill that reminded me that a few nights ago while laying in bed ready to fall asleep, my whole body - both right and left side together, shook in a wave as my body reacted to warm up a bit; I had never experienced or perceived that feeling before, at least not that clearly or in such high definition.

1:40pm

I finally checked a voicemail someone left. It was an automated call to confirm — a 2nd time — for an endocrinology appointment I have coming up to test my hormone levels; another long story to outline the stupidity of understanding this may be a cause to the fatigue I experience or then towards actual diagnosis.

2:04pm

I just went pee again. Relaxed sitting position, closed my eyes, the face muscle fluttering started again. I tried this time instead to do some alternate nostril-breathing (with thumb/pinky to physically block each nostril) to see if it would help - and it did seem to help whatever energy was struggling to flow, to pass, to flow; https://www.healthline.com/health/alternate-nostril-breathing

The amplified symptoms I’ve experienced has lead me to re-realize that the body relaxing more easily while having the eyes closed is natural, a mechanism whereby once your eyes are open — tense your body and fascia for movement, and presumably when your eyes are closed, start to relax your fascia — which at length is during sleep, when you want your body and tissues to be as open as possible for best blood and other fluid flow to be as unrestricted as possible; inflammation is linked to Alzheimers-Dementia as channels in brain that want to open during sleep to clear toxins, waste, efficiently — can’t, it’s easy to conclude that similar dis-ease can progress in the body for rest of the tissues in brain, and where dis-ease state could progress quickly if an overall unhealthy system is already at its tolerance of regenerating, regulating immune system for clearing the body of cancer, etc.

January 30, 2020

Summary of yesterday:

I am roughly transcribing this from an audio recording I made before getting out of bed. I’ve done that a lot over this last year, it’s allowed me to share without getting out of bed agitating the pain, without opening my right eye or having my left eye open much except for initially recording. A friend awhile ago suggested setting up voice activated recording - I just haven’t been able to focus enough, direct myself to that task, with everything else going on; it would help but obviously I do need to open both my eyes at some point during the day anyway, and even if I don’t open them, if I become active with thinking just the movement of my eyes with my eyelids closed increasingly agitates and increases the pain from the eyes anyway.

All I want to finish with saying is to say that what Taylor is going through, it exposes many things that are wrong with our system. I won’t begin to go into the detail here, however I have written much and will continue to clarify and evolve my understanding, write the story, in hopes of saving Taylor and anyone else who is hurt more and left suffering longer by the system; the doctor kept her hospitalized, was forcing a tribunal on her where he’d present a case to force medication on her she doesn’t want (meanwhile after multiple hospitalizations over the years they still ignore and don’t treat her gut pain, nausea - nor care to understand its consequences - nor are they or do they provide safe food for her, nor do they manage and control to only provide food that is part of helping stabilize her). The largest failure is that somehow the field of psychiatry has been given a monopoly on care when mental health is involved - allowing non-multidisciplinary care to continue.

I will leave you with a video to show the new hope coming for all in the near future, that Presidential candidate Andrew Yang tweeted - saying it was the greatest video he’s ever seen: https://twitter.com/AndrewYang/status/1222736120930295808

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7crf0mzhws

10:22am

I finally got frustrated enough to return a phone call to book an echocardiogram. It seemed now that the pain is lower, allowing the frustration to build was easier — and then I could turn that into action much easier than prior to the Cayman Islands treatment. Making this call was a relatively low stress, unloaded decision toward action - compared to say the reason behind and how loaded making an appointment requiring a trip to an eye specialist, researcher in Boston, who I was recommended to make an appointment with - that has a lot of weight, resistance behind it - which I won’t go into reasoning for, having stopped me so far from booking an appointment with him.

Why I need an echocardiogram is part of determining a possible diagnosis of EDS — “Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS) is a disease that weakens the connective tissues of your body. These are things like tendons and ligaments that hold parts of your body together. EDS can make your joints loose and your skin thin and easily bruised. It also can weaken blood vessels and organs.” It seems I have enough symptoms that it’s possible I do. There were two people that suggested it — a person online I briefly messaged with, and then one of the doctors at the stem cell clinics — whereby they were trying to help me problem solve why I report a much higher pain for tissue damage, some of which they can see in imaging, however that I report more highly than they’d expect. I will eventually write in detail about this.

I just realized, as part of an experiment, that reading along while I type helps keep my mind focused, on track, for what I’m writing about — noticing that trying to think to allow fluid flow of thought to continue if not looking could work — simply trying to remember what I just said in order to continue typing without looking — is at least impossible for me at this point, maybe a skill that can be developed or not; it wouldn’t be a useful skill unless someone like me was trying to problem solve how to find ways to reduce the issues related to the post-LASIK pain, some of which I theorize in part has to do — gets triggered more with use of the eyes, the surface and tension changes of the eye has focal distance (and other) changes, from near to far, etc.

11:04am

I think paying to have a space for me to work, a cowering space, would be good for me socially - outside of my current primary destination to be around people, busyness, distractions of Balzac’s cafe. I was reminded, had memories arise, a few weeks ago when I was in a Lyft shared ride that ended up going down around the Queen and Spadina area. I was reminded of the time spent in a coworking space I started working out of with my then new girlfriend and business partner I brought into helping me with I Live Yoga - in particular with outreach and support. Along with the memories were the feelings of good experiences that were able to make it up through the new level of reduced pain from my last stem cell treatment. It made me think at the time that I’d like to get back to that place. At the time I was still unsure, doubtful if I’d ever be able to get there, get back to the point where Anastasia and I were excited about life, in a good routine, working and passionate about a project we both loved — and that was ready to start scaling; my physical pain had started to become too much for me to handle however, and though I struggled to keep things going, at one point I had to give up — let go. The relationship with Anastasia ended and psychologically it was very difficult to let my “baby” go — as is often referred to as an entrepreneur’s project — especially since for at least a year I was using the project as a mental distraction, focus for the pain. I kept trying and essentially being reminded that it was too hard, and then making bad decisions. Ultimately it was the last try two big attempts to keep ILY alive and moving forward, to find to find good, capable people to move ILY forward without much guidance from me were: 1) attempted to hire someone to takeover Anastasia’s role of outreach and support, and 2) hire a local designer — who ultimately took $5,000 from me, an initial deposit out of a first section of work worth $10,000, and ended up doing barely any work. I will eventually write in more detail about this: I will name her as well as a consequence of consequences that lasting forever — karma — until they are righted, or ignored, and then light can be shone for those who pay attention to me — highlighting that this is how this person conducts themselves. These consequences, bad, hurtful behaviour lacking integrity or simply exposing unskilled or underdeveloped behaviour — where a point of learning is the opportunity presenting itself, if only for a safe container was present to allow it. This karma, consequences, trickle through time — allowing for multi-generation dis-ease progression in all aspects of life. Karma is still playing out and trickling through society, our energies, frequencies, decisions — from major suffering and events such as Nazi Germany and every new suffering starts a new ripple that will all need to be addressed. It must all be addressed by individuals. This allows for healing to happen in a decentralized manner — and allows for people at different parts of dis-ease or on path towards healing, enlightenment — being enlightened, developing understanding and compassion — and so even those who may be repressed in places like China, the light will make it through the cracks — which all rigid containers will increasingly have as pressure mounts; whether that is your ego mind’s control, guard of “protecting” you from fear/trauma and scarcity mindset, or a nation state who wants to contain what knowledge and information is spreading; these are both a condition, a dis-ease state, a symptom of ego mind’s greed and control going unchecked within oneself.

When I have kept my movement and activity greatly limited as I still must, I am able likewise to get glimpses and enjoyment at the thought for a goal I had roughly a decade ago: to be leading yoga classes, to further develop my own yoga practice and to guide others to teach them what I learned — also developing my own skill of speaking and holding space while actively guiding people in the present moment.

Someday I’d like to find and be able to afford, and be able to handle the added activity of going to (or perhaps they could travel to me?), singing lessons — so I can improve, develop my voice, for a growing list playlist that I’ve entitled New Life that I’ve been building mostly for motivation, a reminder that I at times have played multiple times daily as a distraction from the pain.

I’d also like to learn basketball, so if I ever decide it necessary to run for Prime Minister of Canada to get Canada on course, then I’d challenge current Presidential candidate Andrew Yang to - and kick his ass - in a game of basketball; a more physical activity that I may never be able to do again however — so I’ll just have to enjoy the thought of being able to hangout with Yang.

11:41am

I still have strong emotional resistance (PTS) to diving into and finishing an update reply for Dr. Trotter on behalf of Taylor. I don’t know if I will get to it today - there’s ultimately no real rush as she’s in hospital and he only returns from vacation a week from now. I need to recover further and be in the healthiest, low activity level, routine again for at least a few days before I will be able to approach the task again.

11:47am

I can quite clearly now feel, notice, that while I have been wearing my reading glasses when writing and on my laptop — I just picked up my phone and was looking, writing some texts, and as I did so — with the straining or even just putting things into focus, that the eye pain very clearly increased as I was doing so; this to me confirms to me, a theory I’ve had over these years especially when my pain level was much higher, that the post-LASIK pain has created an aversion to my eyes working properly, normally, a resistance to changing focal points (as part of the symptoms, part of it disrupting autonomous function including tearing, moisturizing, of the eyes — that LASIK has been successful in dumbing down, minimizing, their #1 symptom of “dry eye syndrome” as something you can just use moisturizing drops as the solution to it); te regulatory capture and unquestioned loyalty or review by the industry and professionals in the field, incentivized by profits, is disturbing - and one of many issues that society must actively become better acknowledging — identifying, studying, paying attention to in order to develop industry-wide critical thinking in all practitioners involved.

1:21pm

I’m starting to allow myself again to checkout attractive women. I guess I’m ready to experiment again to see if the reduced pressure on my nervous system allows me better to manage sexual energy building, and unfolding as that does into emotions and managing of relationships of more potential intensity, emotionally and physical activity wise. Maybe I will start playing with the idea of dating again, making plans with potential partners; an “exciting” idea however one I have had to drop previously the last few attempts due to the pain level still being too high.

1:34pm

I decided I may fast today. That would allow me to — after being tired and mentally exhausted from Balzac’s — to go to Bampot Teahouse and hopefully stay there for a few more hours before I’d otherwise be hungry. It’d also help to more quickly clear the inflammation I caused from the sugar/junk I ate yesterday. If I do this I’ll take the probiotic tonight at minimum.

1:50pm

My body energy is quite low at the moment though — primarily I think as I’m likely out of a ketogenic state, so it might be a good idea to eat something tonight to let my body recover faster anyway.

January 31, 2020

Summary of yesterday:

The day that had become positive, later in the day, after my mental energy being exhausted - grounding me into my body and the pain, the eye pain - knocked me back down to reality again. I can’t date. The exciting ideas or plans for ideas are fantasy. I was reminded that even if I have a very productive or positive day then the next few days when my mental energy is lower, it’s more difficult to impossible to concentrate enough to distract myself from the pain. This last stem cell treatment, as predicted as the pattern has continued, allowed me to feel the eye pain more clearly, feel how it cascades and refer down my body more easily.

I don’t know how I am even going to afford my own cost of living soon, let alone the idea of paying additionally to have a coworking space to work out - as an alternate to Balzac’s cafe that I am bored of going to so often, for so long. And I still don’t have a routine that makes life tolerable. Streaming at night can be nice, however it is mentally exhausting itself. The Joe Rogan style podcast I had thought could be a nice thing to do to socialized, meet people, and chat regularly hasn’t gotten setup and I wouldn’t be able to organize and manage it anyway. Likewise the money I’ve had to spend on stem cell treatments and will continue to need to spend indefinitely on unknown future diagnostics or future treatments is money that originally I had wanted to use to move my projects forward. Ideally I could raise $420k to hire contract workers to help me finish designs and specifications to then find developers to get estimates from - but developing a presentation and putting in the ground work to reaching out, meeting with, family offices to get them onboard and convince them of my plan: $420k, $4.2mm, $42mm rounds and sharing a high detailed plan for each along with an executive summary - the presentation itself will be difficult for me to compile, and then the ground work, leg work necessary, will certainly be too difficult for me due to the highly limited activity I must maintain in order to have more than less tolerable days.

Feb 2, 2020

Summary of yesterday:

I was planning originally to make a “summary of yesterday” - yesterday, but it didn’t happen. It was overall a bad day to which I was just waiting for 4pm when two designer friends, Akshay and Salar, were supposed to come over. They eventually made their way to me around 6pm. It was or wasn’t a very productive meeting. The purpose was to try to help onboard their help so I can try to move my projects forward, in part to decide a path, a strategy for what to focus on - for where they could help me and for where I could try to focus and use my limited mental energy to hopefully guide them towards helping move things forward at a pace that allows me hope.

I don’t know how much to share from the meeting. I don’t want to get lost, summarizing points from last night - of which there are two recordings of to hopefully review at some point for reminders, lost in that my mental focus gets spent where I can no longer conclude this to a point where I am “comfortable” publishing it - where I don’t concern myself of sharing “too much” that leads me to wanting to expand on what I mean, without having to continue a thought by injecting a relatable quote like “first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win” for how grandeur my vision has evolved to; Gandhi, and as you may be able to tell, I like and tend towards being thorough - it’s a challenge until it will become a gift.

Feb 4, 2020

The hardest part to sharing my experience is that when it is most difficult it is most difficult to share about the difficulty. And perhaps as a natural fail-safe prevention mechanism, if I am to pass there are certain things I want left a certain way, however completing them, organizing them with how difficult the pain already disables me from doing so easily is even worse when I have lost hope and am struggling and too stuck in the pain, and so the final 3 or 4 things I hope to have organized before I go haven’t really been able to get done. I am at the point now where I will just let go and forgive myself for not articulating what should be to expose certain fights for what is wrong in systems in society.

I just got 1 of 5 things done - sent an email as final attempt to try to find someone trustworthy to help my mom finish her house so she has a peaceful place for retirement. 2 of 5 will be posting this. 3 of 5 will be emailing a naturopath with an update re: Taylor although I am no longer hopeful she will have a container that will actually lead her to problem solving her issues, so unlikely anything will come from it. 4 of 5 will be briefly updating long form version of Taylor story. 5 of 5 is trying to compile what I can about the post-LASIK eye pain, what I have tried to heal my body including the eye pain, and how the eye pain has remained the constant and the majority cause of the executive function troubles I have - as has become more and more obvious as I have healed significant pain in the rest of my body nearing having likely more than 10 stem cell treatments now over the last 3+ years; something I would hope to share with the Boston eye doctor/researcher, with the lawyer who filed the Canadian class action lawsuit against LASIK and the doctor who did my surgeries, and in general for the community in general and perhaps the “Lasik Complications Support Group” on Facebook - so maybe anything that I tried would give them insight into what might help them or perhaps help problem solve a solution.

Aside from trying to get these final 5 things written, I no longer am going to attempt to write anything regarding to who would get my business projects, life’s work - Elon Musk and Dr. Jordan Peterson can share ownership if either of them wants my domains, designs, what I’ve written and so on; likely not because they are compiled well enough to transfer - though they would together both be most competent at understanding the ecosystem of platforms, holistic scale, and multidisciplinary health-wellness approach of my plans. I also no longer am going to attempt to fill out a form that is prerequisite to trying MDMA-assisted psychotherapy - a hope I had that maybe it would reduce stress in my body enough to make the pain more tolerable, however I am quite certain it is the ongoing, constant, trauma from the eye pain - though certainly it has made these past years also full of trauma. I am just trying to get myself to an appointment Feb 19th to try AmbioDisk for my right eye, and then to get to 2 more stem cell treatments in San Francisco - however it is difficult to even bother trying to hold on to get to those because the AmbioDisk, if my eye can tolerate it, will only help while wearing it - and it will be a brutal, impossibly strong reminder once I have to expose my eye to air again, and the stem cell treatments though they will reduce pain in my body again - that, as every other time as resulted in, will result in my just feeling the eye pain more clearly, and how it refers out and sensitizes my body.

Feb 5, 2020

One reason I don’t want to actually post this is due to the large amount of explanation that hasn’t happened, describing everything I have tried, all the failures of our healthcare system - especially our “mental health” system - and still where no one has offered me an opiate prescription, so aside from having taken them post stem cell treatments for a few days - I don’t know if long-term it would make the pain and limited function tolerable enough to not constantly be struggling. Having, trying to explain over and over and over again over the years to different doctors, answering the same line of questions over and over and over again - never really getting much deeper into actually problem solving or trying to provide treatment options that may help. I am just done with this Canadian health “care” system - no one is going to know the true extent of incompetence, how broken it is, I don’t see myself being around to write about it. I will try to post the “Saving Taylor” post and update so there is a public record of it, 100% chance it won’t change anything unless someone actively pushes for investigation and change for oversight and accountability.

This is how much I normally struggle, at least 50% of the time I am trying to dredge at the bottom, where it’s dark - but regardless of how well I stick to a routine, to limiting my activity, to eating cleanly, to optimizing to have mental energy to counter the physical pain - to counter the disruption from the eye pain and the executive dysfunction it causes, the baseline dysfunction caused by the eye pain hasn’t improved in years, there is no routine or baseline that is tolerable; the two times the eye pain did permanently improve some with each treatment - first with autologous serum eye drops and then ProKera I did for each eye - the noticeable permanent reduction still wasn’t significant enough; and temporarily the Scleral lenses to be worn for only periods throughout the day, the dramatic executive function improvement I had with them, was impossible to maintain with that relief and function improvement contrasted each day at the end of the day when I had to re-expose my eyes to the air, triggering the pain again fully, and rapidly experiencing the cascading of symptoms - the mental disruption and the tension, sensitization, referring and building through my body; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scleral_lens

The other up to 50% is when I am delusional enough with hope, optimism, waiting for the next “big” stem cell treatment - in fantasy once tricking myself again that maybe this next healing will be different than the previous ones: where maybe my nervous system will reach a tipping point where the impact of the eye pain will greatly diminish due to enough pressure, pain, being removed from my nervous system. It never has happened though. This is where I am in a routine where I am not yet again bored of rotating through different social media sites - Twitter, Reddit - along with some other technology-related news sites, forums. This is when I am not yet completely bored of distracting myself with watching streamers on Twitch or watching YouTube videos. Days when I am in a routine and in a positive enough mood to enjoy and try to engage socially, in a routine going to Balzac’s cafe - taking a Lyft shared ride there and home again. The problem is nothing can actually move forward from this routine and routine itself is flawed in that boredom exists and that routine can’t really change due to the limitations the pain keeps me within; I can go out for stimulation, people watching, but there’s no gain in “teasing” myself if letting myself notice attractive women - teasing myself by allowing myself to think about dating or sex or anything nice, any of the creature comforts that come from relationships of various depths or intensity.

Cost is another factor. The money I have access to currently won’t last forever - and even if appointments like acupuncture or osteopathy would net positive, which I’m still not sure they are which I won’t explain here - at the moment when mostly going to those appointments via public transit, that amount of activity - the additional physical stress on my body on top of the stress the eye pain constantly applies, certainly counters most of the benefit from those appointments; likewise, acupuncture which I only did 3 or 4 weeks ago, and hadn’t done it for likely 2 years prior, allowed me to just feel my right eye pain as strongly and as clearly as I had ever been able to feel it - a strong, searing, burning sensation over the whole cornea that lastly as strongly for the next 8 hours - that searing sensation only diminishing as it slowly sensitized the rest of my body, just meaning it prevented me from properly perceiving it - but not reducing the executive dysfunction symptom. If I am in the better side of the difficult cycle then I regularly, daily, listen to my “New Life” play list - and often listen through the more somber but pleasant Jardim album by Rainer Scheurenbrandt; https://rainerscheurenbrand.bandcamp.com/album/jardim

I’ve written so many times about this pattern over the years, I hate writing about it now too - and why I am now struggling to even bother trying to get myself to a Boston eye doctor/research I was suggested to go to - however after the effort and cost of traveling to Boston, the being out of routine to not look forward to causing additional turbulence in my life the following 3-4 days, and after the $1300 USD cost, just starting cost, there is near 100% chance that no insights nor new treatment option that will come of it; it seems that I also know of stem cell research being conducted in the US that the main plaintiff in the Canadian class action lawsuit doesn’t know about, therefore nor does the lawyer, and likely also not this Boston eye doctor/researcher the plaintiff recommended I see - I’m guessing they don’t know about the mice/rat research from years ago either, the results of are which the human trials are being fast tracked in India; turns out the plaintiff who recommended me to see the Boston eye doctor/researcher hasn’t even gone to see him himself.

There has just been no point in continuing with trying to keep myself positive, optimistic - for as difficult as it is - once I am “flying” in it well enough, life can’t improve - relationships can’t evolve, I can’t move forward more in life. There’s been no point when letting myself mentally get excited about my projects or ideas to fix all of these broken systems - it just causes there to be more pressure, a stronger aversion to fight against, the pain to fight more strongly against - and trying to use executive function to try to move those ideas forward in any capacity, just the attempt adding pressure/stress - and then the potential consequences of trying to find others or spending money to hire others to do an uncertain but large amount of work necessary, is a lot - and certainly more than I am reasonably capable of handling, and even if I had the financial resources to hire and manage a team to do the work - managing would likely be too stressful as well; https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21885586

I’ve tried twice now from different places in the last 8 months to get a referral for someone to speak to to see if the pain having been reduced as much as it has, if there was any value in talk therapy. Still haven’t heard anything back re: an appointment - though I was doubtful anyway that the physical cost of going to the appointment would result in net benefit anyhow.

And there’s nothing more I can do to help Taylor - the system isn’t going to be able to hold the safe container she needs - other than trying to send an update to her naturopath re: trying to problem solve her gut pain and nausea (that psychiatric doctors haven’t cared about nor understood the dis-ease progression consequences of for years), so I don’t have that hope or drive for effort to try to distract myself with any longer either; I don’t understand how psychiatry got a monopoly on hospitalizations, not only a monopoly but an exclusionary monopoly - where there's no requirement to work with other fields/disciplines, how isn't this considered or acknowledged to be neglectful by default, by design?

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