when i look in the mirror
i never trust what i see
having trouble realizing me
told what to do, what to feel
where do i begin to find what is real
i said no, “you mean yes”
i guess
not so sure anymore
an uneven score
wanting more
do i deserve such
i feel i have been missing much
caught in a web of lies
unheard for years, my many cries
chains stay the course
do you think he feels remorse
overactive emotions
dysfunctional neurotransmitters
i’m not a quitter
not even bitter
i just need to know
how do i go
from here to there
care
self-distrust
do i matter much
it’s not a crutch
i’m struck
by a twist of fate
stalemate
maybe
someone help me
figure this out
untwist my brain
serotonin lost
my mood the cost
depressed
on a quest
to find my true mind
real emotions
presynaptic collapse
my body reacts
self-harm
moving to my arm
sound the alarm
imperfections now found
on my body’s sacred ground
tell me the truth
show me what to do
is this true
as tears drop
shocked
mediating tension
hand is wrenching
stainless steel
again appeals
to the theory of
invalidation
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🎭"Tough Pill to Swallow"💊
Man from my nightmareHaunting me in my sleepYou’re selfishness is unfairYour presence makes me weep
You are everything I wantYet you are nothing at allThe definition of bluntHere only to make me fall
You are never there for meYou only take take and takeI can’t stand you’re vanityHow do I get this spell to break?
You are my fears and goalsYou are my reason for lifeYet the reason for all these…
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cried on my birthday every year for 14 years, cried on valentine’s day every year of this relationship. i’m so tired. why can’t one specific day i plan for ever be special or important
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God Presence is Always There
I trace the face that I remember,
Red-blond eyebrows above
Those drawn out eyes and pink lips.
You were scared I would leave you yesterday
When you showed me how you live now;
Piles of dishes travelling from the kitchen to the shower,
Stacks overflowing in the bathroom sink.
You tell me your boyfriend is a hoarder
And how he takes apart everything you bring home.
We try to make some sense of the mess so we can sleep tonight
And find nuts and bolts, beer cans, old phones
That still ring even when they’re dead.
You tell me how he has taken you apart too,
How the neighbour complains to the police
Every time you cry, how he leaves you on the floor hurting yourself
Because he does not believe in compassion.
He told you he thinks people have to force themselves to be good
And that he believes there is a singular reality, occurring there externally.
Perhaps this is the worst for you, being trapped in one reality
When you inhabit so many — when you experience
All the perspectives at once and commune with deities.
You told me you chose to love him to prove you can love anyone,
You told me you’re staying because of your sins
And the bad karma that has caught up with you.
We talk about your psychosis eight years ago,
And you tell me Aya tried to warn you.
We remember how you went silent for a year after.
You are still afraid of ambulances
Because they restrained you on that bed
Where you couldn’t reach your glass of water,
Gave you electroshock therapy so bad
You now have gaps in your memory.
You still take the meds and get your shots
But you haven’t stopped wondering
What the sounds are trying to tell you
And what the angel numbers mean when they appear.
You beg me to remember the ‘old Tina’
And I tell you she’s right there, in front of me.
We run around Vienna like we own it,
And paint our nails red on the train,
Talk about all the boys whose hearts we broke,
And make peace with our recklessness.
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May Kill Me - ①③ (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1343567003-may-kill-me-%E2%91%A0%E2%91%A2?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=catnamedgoose&wp_originator=j3qOW%2Fi%2FHuatvV6kTU7%2BKsyCVuRUG1XTOa74gXmQIC2B9%2BliUfDAuRiw3nqiqm1Mu5D2iYDulYth3KVNySLOX33KT7owqNqgkG6dagdM0R5f84YbPp%2FfNpSJgd3Z0mE3 Oceane Becker is ready for a fresh start. After an unpleasant breakup with her high school boyfriend, and the gross public scene he made during a grad party, Oceane is more than excited about starting college in a new town and making meeting new people. As she settles into her new life of late-night partying, no-strings-attached dating, and weekend bar-hopping, Oceane starts noticing a shadowy figure in her emerging in the background. Someone is stalking Oceane. Someone is angry at the way Oceane had treated them. Someone wants to harm her. Someone may want her dead...
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⚠️Trigger Warning ⚠️ - SA & DV
Notebook Entry #1 — Week of 4/9/2022
This entry contains what I planned to say, and what I said, to the person who SA’d me. The person who SA’d me is my now ex-boyfriend, but we were still dating at the time of this entry — and we dated for close to a year following the SA. I had been groomed, manipulated, and coerced into staying in the relationship for that long.
This entry details my thoughts and feeling regarding the SA, and my options on how to proceed with the relationship. I chose option 1, and my reasoning is described above.
National Sexual Assault Hotline (US): 1-800-656-4663
National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 800-799-7233
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Mine ll jeon jungkook ll 18+ - Bonus part (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1304014697-mine-ll-jeon-jungkook-ll-18%2B-bonus-part?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=zh5067706&wp_originator=KZl6ZlhBs4QymvIqofZf88MzE4ERgd%2B9jCwUTVH6hJC4tAHNpMu0i%2FE1lk5IZkYA24vxdbsP%2F1FNRgK79YpnlERHMZdpLgagzWjuRg15ec3I6bjww7X9shJStb4X8fXR jungkook was the bad boy and most feared student of his college with attractive personality, he was not interested in love at all as his mind was in violence and he was enjoying the power he had......he was sure he would never fall for any girl especially from his college, he was sure he would not be the one who would approach the girl first and he was sure about himself until she came............. she was mysterious girl with low self esteem, she was his junior and was the girl who was quiet, she was the girl who wanted to be alone due to her life..... her life wasn't normal at all, she was sure she would be safe and will be alone in college not when he developed strong feelings for her........ content : This story contains abuse and abusive language, violence, love, 18+ romance
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A Bratz territory 2 - 36. (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1250092657-a-bratz-territory%EF%BF%BC-2-36?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=GyasiaLiburd Will Namari disastrous life get any better or will she keep having to put on her strong face to fight demons?
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Home is Where the Headache is (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/story/243468343-home-is-where-the-headache-is?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_myworks&wp_uname=mstiqueb4be&wp_originator=O3Pux4DNdQQF8KNxUAKRUG0ynvhJdJ2X7DCIj4KBLyMrHyCmXn4aDt2qR5uJ5oivlJjIIlsaG4MRVAkiUYBkJ6QKrSpVvWDSt8sLnpVWeIp1ocSbQBfF5zoq9fU92zbR Quinn was visiting his family to get away from work. Everything was just so stressful in Maine and he missed his family. But something seems off about his Dad. And he's not sure if it's not just his imagination.
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The Murdaugh Murders has quite the body count - that we know of - but the unraveling of the power the family had over Hampton County began in earnest with an event in 2019: the boat crash. Mallory Beach lost her life, the other young adults involved were traumatized, and the fallout from this scandal that couldn’t be covered up would result in more tragedy years later.
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From Ashes (Heathens Ink #3) by K.M. Neuhold
Current read… I’m 80% done. ☑️ I might be finished with this book by tonight … well am !!! Good read!!!
Book Review:
***Spoilers here and there***
I’m a keep this short. Because it’s not much I would like to say in this I mean about this book.
It’s definitely a 5 star read to me. Plus when about the harassment. I assume that it was both Kira and Harrison. I was right about both … because the…
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May Kill Me - Twenty-Nine (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1405664371-may-kill-me-twenty-nine?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=catnamedgoose&wp_originator=IihRXYCpDgHo5DwShzlYTwIRM9mPiQwwJ4JeY%2BVvB%2BNsmwjzVPPYaAQDRszKKWCPh1Gnrspx%2Bpe2ekoO0Y9od%2BsIF%2FDIOoYwSZudBvf4xWVMYCRur9OvA%2FY4eG7V4dI9 Oceane Becker is ready for a fresh start. After an unpleasant breakup with her high school boyfriend and the gross public scene he made during a grad party, Oceane is more than ready to start fresh in a new town. But pretty soon it becomes evident her past has followed her. Someone is stalking Oceane. Someone is angry at the way Oceane had treated them. Someone wants to harm her. Someone may want her dead...
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"i wake up missing your violence, my body craves the pain, the hurt.
i want you to ruin me again.
i want you to destroy my mind, so i have a reason to destroy myself."
a part of a poem i wrote about being in an abusive relationship. these particular sentences feel the most powerful to me.
"i want you to destroy my mind, so i have a reason to destroy myself". that summarizes my entire experience with being in an abusive relationship.
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