Charlastor / Radiobelle Headcanons: Wholesome Edition

Note: I am asexual, and these are my personal thoughts as to how an asexual Alastor would interact with one of his romantic interests. Art is by Slim_Babydoll on Twitter/X. Feel free to check out their account!

Alastor likes to run his finger around the rim of his glass of whiskey and rye when listening to Charlie sing, resting his face against one of his hands. It's one of his "tells" that he's thinking, or "lost in thought" and feeling. Normally stiff and formal, he loosens up and relaxes, easing up a bit more, when he has alcohol in him.

He likes gazing fondly at Charlie from a distance a lot of the time, because the distance allows him to explore and feel things on his own terms, away from others. However, he is gentlemanly and affectionate with Charlie, greeting her by taking her hand(s) in both of his, and giving her a chaste, lingering kiss there.

Alastor always treats Charlie with gentleness...not because he thinks that she's fragile and delicate, or because she's a lady, but because he wants to protect her from the evils and ills of the world. For as much as Alastor and Lucifer have a stubborn rivalry, the two have a genuine respect for each other; both love Charlie. Lucifer respects Alastor for "keeping his little girl safe and sound".

As a couple, Alastor and Charlie have separate beds, similarly to Lucy and Ricky in the show I Love Lucy, but on occasion, Alastor just likes being physically held by Charlie, and vice versa. Sometimes, he'll wrap his arms around Charlie from behind and hold her close to him, resting his chin on her head. He likes the feeling of Charlie being small and protected in his embrace.

Although he is more extroverted and outgoing with Rosie, Mimzy, and Niffty, Alastor is more reserved and quiet with Charlie, because he feels so much for her that he doesn't know how to express it. He just likes "enjoying the silence" with her. Alastor has lingering childhood trauma over seeing emotional vulnerability as "weakness", so he only likes to let his mask or guard down, and be truly and fully vulnerable, with Charlie, who he trusts.

Alastor also has some trauma related to physical touch, including sex, especially when it comes to men touching him. Charlie is also gentle and soft when touching Alastor, because she wants him to feel valued, respected, but also cared for and loved as her spouse.

While in bed, Alastor likes touching Charlie all over in a non-sexual sense, because he marvels at her being "so soft and smooth" in comparison to him, who is lean and lithe, with little to no body fat or softness. He also loves whatever perfumes and soaps Charlie uses, and likes burying his face in her hair, as well as being a little bit silly with her (i.e. chaste kisses on her stomach, face, etc.).

Alastor and Charlie do occasionally have sex, but as Alastor rarely-if-ever feels sexual desire, and it is fleeting and fickle for him, he does it mostly to please Charlie. He can "perform", but he sometimes has trouble in that department due to having a lot of wandering and meandering thoughts during the act. However, he loves worshipping Charlie like the "goddess" that she is in bed, while not minding or needing for his actions to be reciprocated. While he comes across as dominant in his public persona (i.e. taking the lead, exuding power and authority, etc...), he's actually quite submissive in bed, but can be dominant, if needed.

Charlie is always patient with Alastor whenever he decides that he's in the mood for trying to have intercourse with her. They usually take things slow and sweet, and Charlie also likes being affectionate with Alastor during the act, holding his face, lacing their fingers, running her fingers along his spine and sides, etc.

Alastor is very old-fashioned in how he treats and sees his relationship and marriage with Charlie, and prefers to express his love for her in non-sexual ways, such as dancing, singing, taking her out on dates, and just enjoying being with her in general. In a sense, he feels that his love for her transcends the need for sex, because what he feels is "so much more". Charlie agrees with him.

Alastor's favorite thing to do with Charlie is to put music on the gramophone, or turn on the radio, take her into his arms, and slow dance with her in their living room, or sit next to her in a chair while holding hands. While reading, he will reach for her hand, entwine their fingers, or caress her hands and fingers with his own, all while still holding and reading his book with the other.

What's frustrating about being a supporter of a mlm ship is the immediate presumption of the shippers' identity as a "cis heterosexual woman" who fetishsizes homosexuality (not that that problem doesn't exist, but that's not what this post is for).

Our identities also include:

Cis gay man

Gay/bi/pan trans/woman/man/enby

Cis/trans polyamorous gay/bi/pan woman/man/enby

Cis/trans gay/bi/panromantic asexual woman/man/enby

On and on, the intersections within the LGBTAI+ community are infinite.

Yet our mainstream media shies away from canonizing mlm relationships on screen, by whatever arbitrary measure deemed correct by the heteronormative power structure, which means bi or pansexuality and gender fluidity can be masked beneath an optically cis heterosexual relationship that is spoken of as queer only in dialogue.

I am a queer person. The argument I most often see is that being in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender doesn't negate a person's bi or pansexuality. This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE in real life. I'm in such a partnership, and here's the thing ...

When I share my queer identity with others and they see my partner of 15 years, the question I get asked is:

"How can you still be ×-sexual if you're in a heterosexual relationship?"

It is as though, by committing to someone who presents as the opposite gender, my lived experience (all the people I loved deeply in the past; the pain of coming out not once, not twice, but three times; the pain of permanently cutting off people in my life) was completely erased. My partner and I are optically viewed as "straight" despite how we actually define our individual genders and sexuality. Despite continuing to feel queer attraction. Despite continuing to remember previous queer loves with incredible fondness. Despite still celebrating with friends in the community and proudly bearing my flags.

This is why I truly believe there needs to be a greater push for more same-sex representation ON SCREEN in the MAINSTREAM. We cannot have authentic stories of the queer experience without it. It is a stepping stone to representing all the other identities that are swept under the rug. There is a big difference between knowing who you are in real life and interpreting what big money media is doing with your identity for the sake of pleasing the heteronormative masses and offering only subtext for the queer community in order to get the highest amount of views. Subtext, which by the way, is immediately dismissed as reading too deeply into it!

Well, guess what? Being queer inherently means reading deeply into subtext. This has been our language for decades. I should know, I'm OLD. Picking up subtle cues was and is part of queer courtship in real life because you absolutely could not out yourself in public. In more than half of the U.S. that is STILL the case!

I have a very close cis straight friend who thought Korrasami came out of nowhere. I had to sit them down and explain all the little cues, including the infamous hairpin in Asami's lips close-up. They remarked, "Wow, that's a lot of work. Is that how it worked when you tried to meet someone in public?"

YES! And it's 2023 coming on 2024, and we still have to go through this extra bullshit cis heterosexual people take for granted! If there is even a hint of queer mlm romance, you know what happens? They either get separated or killed or BOTH!

They are separating us and killing us on screen because we can only exist in subtext and tragedy. And then, when we dare to hope another ship might make it, that finally, we will have our moment in the sun, we are told:

"You weren't baited. Nothing was confirmed. What did you expect? They're just friends. You looked too deeply into it and did this to yourself. You are gross and keep migrating from one gay ship to another, you homosexual fetishsizing misogynistic pervert."

These people take intersectional social justice language and weaponize it against us. They moralize us on our own identities without even knowing who we are or what we've been through. They think we're desperate and delusional for the audacity of hoping we might see a happy ending that reflects us in the mainstream.

I am so, so tired.

There is something that always interested me in the discourse about Jeanne. Namely, the idea that her character was 'wasted', as she was introduced as a 'strong badass woman' and then reduced to Vanitas' love interest. The interesting thing, in my opinion, is that we can use this to set up a discussion of what a 'strong badass woman' character actually is.

More or less. I don't want to offend anyone or offer a tremendously in-depth analysis with this, I just feel like putting my two cents out there.

The criticism, for what I have understood, is based on the fact that people found Jeanne disappointing after being introduced as such a terrible foe; the point is, her physical strength is never put into question. Our heroes are forced to a less than dignified retreat upon first meeting her, and the only way they find to survive the encounter is using extremely underhanded and manipulative methods. In the other occasions she has difficulties (only that, not loses) she's either against a monstrously strong Cursebearer (Jean-Jacques as the beast) or taking care not to harm too much the other party (Dominicque). On a level of pure physical capability, Jeanne is a certified badass from start to finish.

So, this leaves us to discuss her psychological strength. The point is: what psychological strength? In the only two scenes she was shown in before her interactions with Vanitas, all she does is violently beat up people, and require orders from Luca. This actually depicts a very submissive person, one completely engulfed in her role of Bodyguard. I think her character gained a lot of depth when it was shown that she was actually so emotional and frail, especially because it made more and more sense as the story progressed: her past as a terrible warrior means that she was used as an object since a very young age, which left her starved for kindness and positive attention. It does make sense that Luca, who is probably the first to look up so much to her, instantly gains a special place in her heart, and the thought of losing him becomes terrifying.

As for Vanitas? She has been described as good on a battlefield, but the kind of manipulation our ‘hero’ uses on her in the early chapters is purely emotional and psychological, based on Luca’s safety. She likely had no experience in handling such things that you cannot just squash with a gauntlet. So, I don’t think that Jeanne’s character was ruined in that sense: if anything, I think it gained depth. Mochizuki hasn’t defied things she had established about the character, all she has done is subverting the expectation that a physically strong and aggressive person must also have psychological and emotional strength. 

As for the second part of the criticism, that she has been reduced to 'just a love interest' in a ‘forced relationship’ ... while I don’t agree that the relationship feels forced (with the self esteem issues of the girl, a good-looking guy about her age who acts kind to her like Vanitas did in the Gevaudan arc should look like Prince Charming), I partially agree that it takes a little too much of her screentime for the moment. 

It's true that her main involvement in the story right now is her 'romance' with Vanitas. Her character development in the Gevaudan arc came in no small part from our protagonist's involvement, his prodding her towards making her own choices. After that, she's all in a glow of gratitude for his saving Chloé. And, still about Chloé: despite her having a very strong bond with her, after she was healed we were shown next to nothing of the interactions between the two. Ditto for Luca and her other only female friend, Dominique: despite their affection, their only interactions we are shown involve Dominique and Luca playing the Sentimental Senate for Jeanne.

Now don’t get me wrong, unless your entire social circle is composed by aromantic asexuals you know that listening to your friends romantic joys and especially sorrows is a big part of friendship itself; but the thing is that it’s the only aspect we’re shown of Jeanne’s other friendships. There is a panel of her talking to Chloé, but we are not shown their words. There is a panel of Dominique talking with her after the Exposition Universelle arc, but again, they’re mute panels. Jeanne has other things in her life than Vanitas, but the point is that us, the readers, aren’t privy to them, so there could very well not be there. How much this is a dealbreaker for the character’s likeability, each decides for their own.

Personally, I am only mildly bothered by it, and I hold faith that the situation will soon change. The manga has been subtly hinting for years now at a bigger mystery involving Jeanne: her strange uncontrollable bloodthirst that seems to be something other than a malnomen, the very circumstances that led to her becoming a Bourreau were nebulous at first, and when they were cleared they only raised more questions. Why is her first memory one of being in a water tank? What happened between her and Ruthven, and what has she been made to promise? Is she a cursebearer? Why was she placed in a slumber? These are a lot of things that likely will have nothing to do with Vanitas directly, and will give her a much bigger, independent role in the story.

My personal take is that Jeanne is a good, well-rounded character, and I hope she will keep on to an interesting path in the story.

I've been a fan of GO since I was 12 (I'm now 28) and read the book so many times it fell apart as a teen - but for some reason, I never connected with the TV version. Just never vibed with it, can't explain why. Maybe because it was Terry Pratchett I always loved and his magic felt like it was missing from it, leaving mostly NG's influence (who I don't like but that's a long story). So I feel no excitement for series 2, and that kind of bums me out because 12 year old me loved it so much.

Are there many reasons to be excited for s2? Are you?

I’m unfortunately one of the people who saw the TV series first, then read the book, so I didn’t experience the sort of hesitance about the series somebody who came from the book might. I personally love the series, and also love the book! But I can see why you weren’t the biggest fan of the series. It definitely feels like it lost a bit of Terry’s touch. I’ve said before that this worries me for season 2, because at least with season 1 Neil was working with a complete book he’d written with Terry. Now he’s on his own. I mean, it sounds like they’ve had conversations about what a second book or season would entail…but that’s very different from actually writing it together.

Personally, I feel a whole lot of things about season 2. I feel excited, because I love the story and characters and want more. But I’m also very nervous, because it could easily go wrong. Sometimes things are best left alone…and season 1 ended on such a lovely note and had so much closure, that I’m not sure how a season 2 would fit into it. I do worry that this will be one of those cases of the sequel not being as good as the original, just because the original was so good.

And of course, I’m worried that the fandom’s homophobia that Neil has eagerly endorsed will seep its way into the show. But I’m hoping it won’t, because as much as I don’t like Neil, he seems to know how to draw a line between canon and headcanons. What it looks like to me, is he’s had his ideas set in stone for years, and is just agreeing with fandom to get clout. But his ideas are still his ideas and he won’t let them get changed by the fandom…both for creative reasons and legal reasons. So I hardly think he’ll be like “you know what, I didn’t even know what ‘asexual demiromantic genderfluid nonbinary’ meant until yesterday, but I’m going to have my characters come out as it in season 2! It’ll be great!”.

The fandom has been an issue for me for a while. They’re comically sexist and homophobic, and being a lesbian that means it’s just not the place for me. So I stay away from larger fandom as much as possible, because I have no interest in seeing “progressive” takes about why actually it’s bad for the two male characters to be in love, and why actually Crowley’s a woman if he has long hair.

But I wouldn’t let the fandom ruin your enjoyment of the show. Ultimately, it’s just the fandom. There’s so many things that are great but have insufferable fandoms…and it’s not a reflection on the work, but rather just a reflection of the people who are the loudest fans (which are always going to be young people since that’s who fandom is mainly populated by, and young people right now are caught up in gender ideology). Watching the show, then seeing what these fans think of it, really just shows you that they’re hardly fans of the show, and are more accurately fans of the story they’ve created in their heads that’s loosely inspired by the show. So try to disconnect the fandom from the show, because they’re entirely different.

The fact is, fandom’s always been insanely homophobic because it’s populated by straight women who fetishise gay men. It’s just now they’ve found a new way to be homophobic (gender ideology) and they’ve found a way to play with it (a show with non-human characters and a magic system). The fandom doesn’t say as much about GO as it does about fans eagerly waiting for the first opportunity to be homophobic.

I’d encourage you to hang around the gender critical corner of the fandom. It makes the experience so much more enjoyable when you know you’re safe from homophobia and sexism and general clownery.

I’m very excited to be able to watch the new season and be able to talk about it with people who I know won’t shun me for calling Crowley a “he” in a scene where he has long hair, and who I can trust to not be homophobic and not shut down my concerns about baiting because “it’s still queer!!! Shut up cis gay!!! Not everything’s about you!!!”.

In short, yes, I’m excited about season 2. More accurately, I’m cautiously optimistic. Because I know that whatever happens, it’s still more of something I love dearly, and that I’ll have people to gush about it to who I don’t have to be wary around.

It’s all fun and games until you tell people that you’re asexual and aromantic. Then it’s all downhill. 🙃 I’ve tried to ignore going to church with my family because the other people in my youth group have been really hateful to me for being AroAce. Saying how I’m defective, wrong, “too woke”. That I’m just using labels. Someone called me a pick me?? When I’m literally the opposite lol.

I’m friends with some guys who also feel the same way and it’s like other people are just assuming we’re being close for sexual reasons instead of just being friends. It seems like a lot of people don’t really understand friendship anymore. It sucks too because these people are Christian and I’m trying to improve my faith but the church around me seems to want to pervert my actions and friendships

SMH they're ruining the word "pickme" like they did with "woke"

An asexual person can't be a pickme because most men won't pick a woman who's not sexually available....

I'm sorry for what's happening at your church. Although IDK why you guys keep attending when there's so many awful things happening out there 💀 last tlme I went to church I fainted and thought I was manifesting demons from within me but it turns out I was just dehydrated. The pastor was so nice, told me I wasn't possessed and gave me a cup lf water. I was so scared I was crying lmao My experience with church has been great but I feel like my walk with Christ wired me to be a loner. I'm chill with the holy spirit. He sometimes drags me but that's for my own will. (Thank you friend🩵🕊️)

When you connect with the holy spirit it's IMPOSSIBLE to feel ever alone, trust me. He's just there 🩵🩵

I remember a Christian once tell that when you're getting mature in your walk, you can grasp whenever it's jesus (the son), the holy spirit or the father dealing with you. It's been really on my mind lately. I see Jesus as a intercessor/protector, the holy spirit as a counselor/discernment accelerator, and the father as a judge/protective governor. They're ALL God - just from different perspective/facet. Like a diamond 💎. Of course at the end time, Jesus will come down and fight satan so I kinda dislike this idea of a lovey dovey Jesus. First time Jesus came on Earth it was to save not judge, but when he'll come back the 2nd time it will be a whole another tune so we better be prepared.

Day 2 of Pride Month interviews! You know them, you love them…. give it up for Ames!

Ames, author of Attollo and Metamorphosis

Pride Month Featured Authors

“…and it was a singular, terrible thought, which burrowed itself into your mind like an engorged maggot. This was not a man nor a monster. This was a concept, an ideology, a terrible myth, which had personified itself to stand before you now.You were, to put it simply, screwed.”

After several years of radio silence, you receive a message from your younger sibling that carries a strange sense of urgency to it. Either out of familial concern or boredom, you embark on a journey from your residence to your sibling’s apartment in New Hampshire to see what’s going on and, hopefully, be home before the weekend.

Too bad it’s never so simple.

Demo: Attollo, Metamorphosis (TBA)

Tags: cybernoir, thriller

(INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT UNDER THE CUT!)

Q1: Tell us a little bit about your project(s)!

Attollo is a cyber-noir horror set in a walled city off the coast of the Atlantic that’s been a victim of a nuclear disaster. After several years of radio silence, you receive a message from your younger sibling that carries a strange sense of urgency to it. Either out of familial concern or boredom, you embark on a journey from your residence to your sibling’s apartment in New Hampshire to see what’s going on and, hopefully, be home before the weekend. Too bad it’s never so simple. Attollo is a 17+ game that deals with heavy topics and a lot of moral questioning; from cults to corrupt government, it has no shortage of monsters in the dark—both metaphorical and literal.

Metamorphosis is a crime/horror story based in the world of crime scene cleanup, where there are three simple steps: Get the call, clean the scene, and don’t ask too many questions. These are the rules that you live by under the employment of Noctua’s Crime Scene Services, and you credit them for keeping you alive.

However, after a routine house call brings forth nightmares of memories that are not your own, you find yourself pulled deeper into Noctua—a city of both monster and man—in a bid to find out the truth behind the murder of Deirdre Callow, and better yet, how her memories came to be yours. Your job mandates that you don’t dig too deep—but could this finally be the exception?

Metamorphosis is 18+ and will have explicit content; follow the last moments of a stranger to find out not only who took her life, but how this connects to the underbelly that Noctua works so hard to hide.

Q2: Why interactive fiction? What drew you to the medium?

Lmaoo, oh man. I think it really all began last summer when I first found examples of interactive fiction. I don’t even remember how I came across it, it might’ve been that I saw it mentioned in a post or I saw it as a tag on Itch.io, but at some point, last summer I began to investigate it more. I think what really drew me in was the ability for the player to control the narrative; it was like playing an old RPG, but modernized, and the fact that I could see a story unfold that was influenced by my decisions was so fascinating to me. Not to mention that IF allows so much more character depth than regular novels, in my opinion.

I’m 99% sure my first exposure to interactive fiction was through the game Crème de la Crème (a fantastic game, by the way) and I just enjoyed it so much that I went haywire for the genre. Then Temple of the Endless Night came out (another fantastic game that I’m looking forward to!), and that was really the turning point for inspiring me to give it a go. Now, almost a year later, here I am working on my own two games!

Q3: Are your characters influenced by your identity? How?

My bisexuality doesn’t have much of a major influence on the game, but I do think it contributed to the way that I view and write relationships. I figured out my sexuality around high school (I kissed a girl in high school and found out I liked it just as much as when I kissed a boy) and since then I’ve been very involved in the LGBTQ+ community of both my hometown and uni town.

I think this involvement, like being able to hear about other people’s experiences and share my own, has made me feel a lot more comfortable writing some of the characters in the game. Although Attollo and Metamorphosis both don’t focus heavily on relationships (both have murder in them, which I feel is a bit more pressing), I do keep the option for any RO’s to be romanced by anyone, regardless of gender or preference, because that’s simply what I’ve become so attuned to. In terms of side characters relationships as well, I think my involvement and my own experiences have allowed me to write far more diverse relationships than I might have, and I think that this has also allowed a more fulfilling experience for players when reading through.

I also have incorporated some struggles that I’ve faced before because of my identity into the games. For example, I and a few others have faced issues with religion due to who we are, and I incorporate this into both games. Dreamwalker, Pariah, and Sysba from Attollo all have shadows of this experience in their character origins, and Ilali and Ariston from Metamorphosis has a major point involving identity and beliefs. Both games also have undertows of ostracization and division between groups, which is also something I’ve experienced in the past. Being able to grapple these moments and control them via a narrative has been eye opening for both myself and others involved, and I’m hoping it can be a learning experience for the readers as well.

Q4: What would you like to see more of in LGBT+ fiction?

I think, now, the amount of progress in LGBTQ+ fiction is expanding at a wonderful rate. There are so many interactive fictions with options to select sexuality, select gender, select beliefs, etc. However, despite this expansion, there’s still a good deal of backlash against some aspects of LGBTQ+ fiction.

For example, as a bisexual woman who has dated men, I know there are some individuals who may not consider me a part of the LGBTQ+ because of this aspect. Not only is this incredibly disheartening, but it’s a viewpoint that I think should be educated against, and fiction is a fantastic pathway to do this. Another example I can think of is a friend of mine who identifies as asexual but is sex-neutral rather than sex-repulsed. Most people can’t believe her when she says this, and she often faces backlash for this declaration as well. This is another thing that I think that, with exposure through a medium such as fiction, can be worked on.

What I’m trying to say here is that I think LGBTQ+ fiction can be a brilliantly educational platform—if used right. Although it already teaches so much with what it has, I think having that representation of different subgroups of sexuality, of their experiences and beliefs, so people can become aware and knowledgeable of these options, is something I’d like to see more of.

Q5: What or who are some of your biggest inspirations?

Oh man, I struggled to list off inspirations because I know I have some, but as soon as someone asks me who they are my brain just goes ‘brrrrrr’ LMAO.

In terms of the games that I write and the worlds that I build, I think David Lynch and Robert Chambers are probably the two that I somehow incorporate. Attollo and Metamorphosis both have a lot of surrealist horror, which are what these two really specialized in. Shirley Jackson is also another person who inspired me a lot when it came to the writing and creation of Attollo, especially the intrapersonal relationships between the characters.

In terms of life, this is something else I really struggle to answer. I don’t really have celebrity inspirations or anything like that, but I do get inspired by my close friends and sister a lot. Seeing them go through the struggles that they face and absolutely thrive really drives me to push through my own struggles. They’re the strongest, most brilliant group of people that I know, and I consider myself incredibly fortunate that I can be a part of their lives. Not only that, but we also all collectively encourage each other to push further and to chase our dreams (as cheesy as that is LMAO) and that’s something that I think is another stroke of good fortune. I struck gold when I met them, and they’re some of the biggest inspirations in my life.

Q6: What’s a super vague spoiler for your current project?

For Attollo, I’d say ‘Home is where the heart is.’ For Metamorphosis, to quote John Berendt, ‘Always stick around for one more drink.’

Q7: Lastly, what advice would you give to your readers?

What advice would I give to you all? Oh my, I’m not exactly a wise woman here, but I’ll do my best to give you something lmaooo. I think what I really want you to walk away with, from both my stories and this interview, is that if you’re passionate about something, then share it with the world. Don’t let anyone deter your passion.

I remember listening to this painter once who commented to his friend how he ‘really liked painting’, and his friend’s first response was ‘but are you good at it?’. He then compared this to the scenario of walking; would you say, ‘but are you good at it?’ to someone who said, ‘I really like walking’? No, because it simply wouldn’t make sense, and it doesn’t make sense to say that to anyone who’s doing something out of passion.

To put it simply—if you love something, then don’t let anyone take that passion from you. I began writing these stories because I’m passionate about Attollo and Metamorphosis; I love each character, each bit of lore, and I share it with you because I want you all to enjoy it as well. Am I the best writer? God, no. Does everyone like what I write? Definitely not. But will I let this stop me from writing, from enjoying what I’m doing? Never, and I want you to do the same.

Explore your passions, embrace your passions, and let what makes you happy continue to do so

Headcanons about the Veterans Trio

[A/n: I love the vets soooo much- And ever since I started watching AOT when it came out, I always had little headcanons about them. I would do Mike, Moblit, and Nanaba but I’m gonna wait for another post. These headcanons involve sexuality, how they act in relationships, their personalities, etc. enjoy!!!]

If you wanna see any headcanons about any ships such as Levihan, MikeNana, Eruri, etc., then let me know and I’ll do one. I cross ship multiple characters, so even though I don’t ship Eruri as much as I do Levihan, I’d be more than happy to fulfill your request. :)

_________________________________

Erwin Smith

His type of woman is the “elegantly chaotic” kind. The ones that will not hesitate to roundhouse kick your ass, but can do it in an elegant dress while sipping tea like a rich royal-

Would date any body typed woman if they had the chaotic elegance he likes, but he attracts to women with curves and chub. Lil muffin tops and squishiness are cute to him.

Could read a Harry Potter book in a day if not bothered

Lowkey enjoys being a bottom, but rarely

He just wants someone else to take control for once, even if it be in bed✨

Is really strict about his eating habits but doesn’t talk about it (literally the mans has never even sniffed chocolate cake before)

He’s absolutely ripped, like Zeus came down and blessed his holy and ripped abs, but gets self conscious about his tHICC thighs sometimes

Prefers coffee over tea. Specifically black coffee.

Says he drinks coffee “for the taste” even though it’s l i t e r a l l y black coffee, the bitterest of bitter.

Strictly straight, b u t- something tells me he would be gay for Mike in another life time.

Actually looks at Levi like he’s a prodigy of his.

Considered Mike his best friend before he passed away

His favorite meal would probably be a Medium Rare Sirloin with lots of Cajun seasoning. Anything that has loads of protein and flavoring.

He doesn’t care much for sexual interactions, he prefers talking about books and conspiracy theories

_________________________________

Levi Ackerman

Says he’s straight, but would definitely let a tall and built guy fuck his guts out.

Okay but he’s actually a virgin-

If anything Levi is Asexual. Just doesn’t have any interest nor cares too much for it. He has other things to do, like sipping tea incorrectly or beating the fuck out of kenny.

Has a small want to be a dad

Lowkey looks at Gabi like she’s his daughter

He doesn’t have a favorite food, but if he had to chose it would be something simple like a grilled cheese. He’s easily pleased when it comes to food.

Looks at Hanji as a best friend

Even though they have a very obvious love hate relationship that is unpredictable as fuck

Kind of wanted to be partnered to Hanji but him and relationships don’t mix so he just tucked that thought away and stayed friends

Wants a pet cat so bad that it’s not even funny- like he would love a clean, tamed kitty so much.

THAT SOUNDED SO SEXUALEHEBSKRBE SORRY-

okay anyways he drinks milk for fun. Erwin and Hanji don’t judge him but Petra and Eren thought it made him a psychopath

Actually has a hard time reading, so he likes to look at art and fashion instead

If Levi lived in our timeframe, he would literally be the fashionista of Discount stores

And yes Levi likes discount stores. He’s very frugal after living in the underground.

Prefers to be alone and do things on his own. He has more fun being independent or with one or two people than he does being with a group.

Hates coffee; only drinks tea and water if it’s straight from the river (pure and clean).

_________________________________

Hanji Zoë

Is very much pansexual, would definetly fuck anyone and anything if permission is given

Pretends to be a hardcoretop, but everyone knows she’s a damn switch

Her body count is- not known actually. All that matters is that she has fun and it’s consensual.

She doesn’t have a type of person she likes to date. As long as you keep her happy, interested, and stay loyal then she won’t go anywhere.

Literally never drinks water and I don’t know how she’s alive-

She looks at Levi like her best friend

She had a lot of bad experiences with relationships as a teenager

Would definetly be the type of girl to collect bath bombs to destroy them and make a giant,gargantuan one

Is actually a lot smarter than Erwin and Armin combined, but not as strategically smart

Literally loves any sort of dessert or candies

If it wasn’t for her constant training as an elite soldier, she would be 400 lbs and it all be from the sweets she likes

Like her sweet tooth is something to behold

Always saw Moblit as someone to spend the rest of her days with

She told Moblit every little thing about her and she knew everything about him

Actually, Hanji taught Moblit a lot about the Titans and taught him a lot in general. He wasn’t too bright before meeting her. All he knew is that Titan = bad

Would be the meme of the guy eating an uncooked cinnamon roll and saying “mmm, dEliciOsO”

Also she sleep walks a l o t. In the process she tends to sleep eat as well.

_________________________________

Okay I hope you liked it!! If you wanna see anything else from other characters or me go deeper in my headcanons or ideas you have; just drop an ask. :)

i really thought hange was non-binary bc the one who said hanges gender was up for interpretation was kodansha us but isayama asked for gender neutral pronouns right?

here!

I’m gonna answer all of the gender asks in one go because for one, I don’t think I wanna flood my own feed and my own tumblr with the same arguments. 

I think a lot of the questions on Hange’s gender and the topic of  gender and sexuality overall are kinda intertwined and I feel like for anyone who actually reads my stuff, it’s better understood as one big wall of text. 

So I was wondering, is that song the absolute proof about hange's gender?

No. I think the interpretation of the song which people are using to prove that Hange’s nonbinary is very western centric. I actually did research around this song and knowing what I know about Japanese culture, I actually interpret the song as a way for Japanese people to break out from gender norms. 

For people who are not aware, Japan is incredibly strict with gender norms. The LGBTQ community is not as progressive as it is in Western countries (I mean gay marriage isn’t completely legalized yet). And just looking at it from the stand point of gender roles and gender expectations, despite the progressive thinking, there are a lot of things Japanese men and women have to conform to just to be respected in everyday society. Because in Japan, the community has always been more important than the individual and it’s honestly the same for most asian countries as well. 

A lot of the pressure of living in Japan, working with Japanese people is the pressure to conform and I’ve seen my friends do it through small things like getting bangs (because all Japanese women have bangs apparently), wearing make up when going out (because this is generally an accepted for all Japanese people) and always dressing your best because in that manner women are held to an incredibly high standard in Japan. And this goes similarly for men who are constantly pressured to be the breadwinner in the family. If your wife is making more than you, be ready to hear people talk. I know these expectations exist in a Western setting too but Japan is incredibly stiff as a society and this is one reason why, despite having numerous opportunities to moveto Japan myself, I am not at all entertaining that possibility. I have worked in a Japanese company and I hated it and moved to a western company right after six months. I have completely accepted the fact that there is no mobility career wise from a non-Japanese (and a woman at that) in Japanese society. 

In conformity, hierarchies etc, Japan is its own monster. That’s why when songs like Jibunrashiku, Hitchcock (by Yorushika) or Shisoukan (by Yorushika) come out, for one it’s in Japanese so I wouldn’t approach the songs from an English and as a Japanese speaker and someone who is pretty familiar with Japanese culture, I can’t help interpret that song as a social commentary for the shitty parts of Japanese society and how they tend to shoot the concept of an ‘individual’ down. 

But does that mean I completely shoot down the idea that Hange is NB? 

NO. Yams said so himself, Hange’s gender is unknown. But at the same time, Yams recognizes the fact that in the anime and in the live action, Hange is a female. If Yams were that adamant to make Hange NB, I think he would have at least made more of an effort to police how she is depicted in the anime and in the live action. 

 His exact words were:　「ハンジは彼（彼女）みたいな、ちょっと浮世離れした、枠にとらわれない自由な感じで描きたかったんです。」If I roughly translated it to English, “I wanted to draw Hange as someone otherworldly, free from the confines of gender.”

Tbh, I wanted to avoid these gender asks altogether but I’ve seen the environment in twitter and the ways many people approach gender, particularly ‘nonbinary’ or genderfluid and it really just doesn’t sit well with me. For one, what’s up with all these rules on how to approach our nonbinary and LGBTQ friends? What’s up with all these accusations that if we don’t follow them to a T, then we’re suddenly transphobic or homophobic? 

The fact that we’re creating all these rules on how to go about her nonbinary gender for one, just defeats the whole purpose of Hange being a free bird in the first place who wouldn’t have cared and who wouldnt’ ever have been confined to gender in the first place. 

I mean the establishment of set rules and social norms on how to navigate gender, sex, sexuality and gender roles is the reason why we had heternormativity in the first place. And what I can see, yes, we did get progressive, we did start recognizing other genders, other ways of thinking but the danger in all this is that, we’re once again creating frameworks and norms about how people that identify as these genders are supposed to act. And this defeats the whole purpose of why we recognized concepts of other sexualities, other genders and breaks from gender roles in the first place. 

We wanted to show these people that their feelings are valid, that the way they’re navigating their relationships and their identities are valid and the heternormative society we’ve lived in that has been condemning for so long, was flawed, was wrong. 

But the thing is, with the establishment of all these social norms on how to navigate our relationships with LGBTQ people and how to navigate our own gender, sexuality, sex and role is just making us regress back to that shitty heteronormative society of a hundred years ago. Because suddenly, everyone is questioning once again ‘How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m nb?” “How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m trans?” “How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m LGBT?”  

And we’re creating these abstract ideas of how exactly, being genderfluid is supposed to feel like. Am I really supposed to be going by ‘they?’ Am I supposed to be uncomfortable with CIS pronouns?

And If I don’t go through this process… If I don’t feel this way then maybe I’m not NB? Maybe I’m not Trans? Maybe I’m not LGBT? And if I don’t conform to this clear cut idea of what NB is which people set up for me, god forbid I might just be transphobic or homophobic. 

And Here’s the thing, everyone’s journey to self discovery is unique and there is no exact way to go about your gender or identity. I find it terrifying actually that creating all these clear cut rules have built misconceptions in so many people already on what they are supposed to feel like when they decide to identify with a certain gender which is no different from long ago when people had to hide the fact that they liked people of the same gender because god forbid they might just be persecuted for being gay. 

Creating these frameworks, these incredibly strict rules on how someone is supposed to navigate relationships with LGBTs and their own personal identities is only making it all the more dangerous for people who are in the process of discovering themselves. 

Back in college, I used to accompany a friend to a clinic when he was starting HRT treatments and before he started them, he had to consult with a doctor and the consultation lasted months. Before all that, they gave him a checklist of ‘feelings,’ which if he does experience them, he checks it and if he does check enough of them and agrees with a huge chunk of them, then he might have gender dysphoria and maybe the HRT treatments and sex reassignment was for him. It was a hundred item checklist,  pages full of waivers, warnings and questions about his own experiences with his gender identity. And the fact that he had to consult for months after on that? There must be a reason. 

Maybe because the academe realizes, maybe because those adept on the field on gender realize that gender is too complex of a subject to have been boxed into these categories in the first place. 

And this whole discourse or I wouldn’t say discourse more of like, this ‘pushing of agendas’ as to say, ‘this is how being gender fluid or non binary is supposed to feel like’ this is how being transgender is supposed to feel like and if you don’t fit it to a T then you’re not transgender or you’re not nb. Or if you don’t fit it all, maybe you’re just transphobic is dangerous for many reasons. Either it gatekeeps people who want to explore their gender further. Or it forces people to have to conform to these and force themselves to ‘feel’ all of these things in the first place. 

And god, this is just the gender issue, I haven’t even explored the sexuality, gender roles or biological issue.  

i mean pronouns are important but they don’t really reflect someone’s gender??? like there’s people who use he/they, she/they or all pronouns(? they just don’t conform to gender binary ahaha

Given the environment on twitter and having witnessed the bullying first hand that came with one writer who is active on twitter using she/her pronouns for Hange, I feel like my own writing and my own POV on how I go about my writing and how I approach the gender of Hange (since I strictly use she/her) might just be a ticking time bomb and I might find myself at the end of whatever hate war or ‘education’ or as I like to just refer to as bullying, one day. 

I believe though I at least have enough knowledge and awareness of the LGBTQ situation and I think I did put a lot of thought already into this before I made my decision to use ‘she’ to refer to Hange.

(And tbh, you can be nonbinary and you can be female at the same time and I’ve written about that multiple times already BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME CATEGORY. And creating this mutual exclusivity between being nonbinary and female just kinda invalidates a lot of those people who are still deciding where exactly they fall in this complex web of identity discovery)

As someone who generally mainly hangs out with LGBT people and i have been doing this since high school by the way, and as someone who has tried all the sexualities on the spectrum, I talked to my asexual friends about possibly being asexual, I have experimented with women and sometimes, I just had dry spells and it just so happened that in the end of all these, I fell in love with a guy but I really believe that gender is such a flexible thing and even though I am with aguy right now, I still simp over lesbians, gays, ciswomen, transgenders because simping isn’t about gender. 

And these set of rules on how to navigate genders is just invalidating the experiences of people who are flitting in between the two identities and it just hinders the process of self discovery for a lot of people. 

Anyway, the point is, there is only one statement I found fundamental when approaching my relationships with the LGBT community and my own perspective on my self identity. 

Recognition of someone’s feelings and their journey to a gender identity and the pronouns that come with it are important.

Then someone might go “THEN WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT HANGE’s NON BINARY PRONOUNS. Because just because someone is nonbinary doesn’t mean they automatically go for they. Just because someone is non-binary, doesn’t mean I have to use every single pronoun on the spectrum. The only one who can tell me what pronouns they want used on them is the person in question. 

(I actually read an argument somewhere that going for ‘they’ just because someone is NB is transphobic lmfao. Assuming someone’s pronouns is apparently transphobic too lmfao.)

AND HANGE IS FICTIONAL. And we will never hear about which pronoun she would have wanted in the first place and I think the great ‘nontransphobic’ in-between is just letting people interpret characters how they want to interpret characters in this fictional world (And Hange can be both interpreted as nb and female). It’s the policing which makes the whole process of self discovery, the process of navigating genders all the more difficult for a lot of people. 

And policing how exactly people should navigate gender and sexuality is just gatekeeping. Hange is everyone’s character. The only gender and sexuality identity people have complete jurisdiction on, is their own. And this policing of what exactly certain journeys to discovery are supposed to feel like is inherently harmful for those who are still in the process of deciding for themselves where they stand. 

And going back to what Yams said “I wanted to draw Hange as someone otherworldly, free from the confines of gender/sexuality/gender roles.” I agree with that. 

Because even though I do use ‘she’ with Hange, I do not firmly believe that Hange is a cisgender heterosexual female either. I just believe there are so many more layers to her whole identity and I believe similarly for every single person. Just concluding for one’s self that Hange is nonbinary with a very narrow minded view of what non binary just generally defeats the whole purpose of being ‘free from the confines of gender’ and hinders a lot of discourse and analysis on Hange’s identity over all.

I mean, I don’t know if people agree with this but in the decades I have spent with my close friends figuring out their gender identities, changing pronouns, transitioning, coming out to their parents, here is one thing I noticed. They weren’t asking for a celebration of their gender or sexuality, they weren’t asking for all these policing on how people should approach them. All they wanted was for their feelings to be validated, normalized as an everyday occurrence. I think the point of all these LGBTQ discourse (and by extension race and sex discourse) were all there to just make all these different identities normalized and to completely eradicate the concept of a negative bias or an other which was generally plaguing society for a long time. 

And as their friends, I have never approached them as this champion who would make sure EVERYONE RESPECTED THEM IN THAT WAY IN TWITTER THEY BELIEVE LGBTQ PEOPLE SHOULD BE RESPECTED. All these nonverbal rules I have set up for myself on how to go about being friends with them is because I wanted them to be happy and comfortable in their shoes. And what were the types of things they appreciated? Me hiding it from their parents until they were ready to come out, me helping make their relationship work with their partner, me respecting the pronouns they requested for themselves, me accompanying them to HRT when their parents refused. 

And you know what, that was only a facet of our friendships. My friends’ gender identities and sexualities never dominated discourse. None of them were the ‘token gay friend,’ the ‘token lesbian friend’ or the ‘token asexual friend’ or the ‘token NB friend.’ They were all people I genuinely care about who just happened to have fallen in love with someone of the same gender. They were just people who just happened to be uncomfortable with their original sex. But I would never just describe them as just that. My friend who just so happens to identify as assexual makes a great companion on a night out drinking. My friend who just so happens to be trasngender is really great with logistics and planning and was super helpful and I was eternally grateful when we worked together on that one project. My friend who just happens to be a lesbian has the cutest picture of her girlfreind on her phone screen. 

I will memorize their favorite orders, what makes them tick, what makes them such a great companion, their talents, capabilities more than I will remember their gender. And that’s the characetr song in question is called “Jibunrashiku” or in English “just like me.” Because in the end a strict society which creates all these maxims of what exactly people of a certain gender should act would of course birth songs like “Just like me” A society which puts so much emphasis on gender and sex  as an identity instead of other things like personality, preferences, skills etc. 

And I don’t know if it applies to everyone. But my friends appreciate it because this journey to whatever gender identity they chose wasn’t rooted in some sort of strict framework on how they should be treated according to twitter. It was rooted in their own experiences and how these experiences made them feel. 

Do they feel weird in a woman’s body? Do they just don’t feel any romantic attraction to the opposite gender?

Just treat them as how you would treat anyone else you respect. Just be a decent person. Just be a good friend.

Respect their requests for their own personal pronouns. If they need help, help them to the best of your abilities. 

And here’s the thing, the approach I use with navigating identities, sexuaities genders are rooted in one very simple concept which can be applied to the race discourse, the feminist discourse etc etc. 

Don’t be an ass. Respect people. Don’t reduce people to one facet of their identity. And by extension, when faced with such a dubious situation, think, discern for yourself what’s right or wrong. When there are people educating you, policing you on what is right or wrong, process that information objectively.  

All I have here right now is my own opinions on the gender discourse on Hange and my own opinions on the discourse overall. 

If you don’t agree with it, then have a nice day and I hope you find something else that will convince you to be more openminded but...

UTANG NA LOOB HUWAG LANG KAYO MAMBULLY NG TAO POTA. MAGHANAP NALANG KAYO NG IBANG PWEDENG GAWIN SA BUHAY MO. 

ANG DAMING NASASAKTAN ANG DAMING NATRATRAUMA ANG DAMING NAWAWALANG GANA MAGSULAT KASI DI KAYO NAG-IISIP. PURO TIRA LANG. 

Okay thank you for listening. Do what you want with the information up there but I have said my piece.

ace fic ace fic!

I want to thank @runawayface for inspiring me to write some ace content and actually post it! This is a very short and self-indulgent fic where Elliott discovers he’s ace - I have a lot of headcannons around that possibility and maybe I’ll dig into them one day.

Here is the link if you want to give me kudos/comments on ao3, which are always appreciated, and the full fic is below.

Thanks for reading :)

Elliott had wanted desperately to fall in love. He’d read and written about it in so many ways, had seen it in blossom like flowers in the couples around him, but had yet to experience it – truly experience it. The heady feeling of falling for another, of long nights and early mornings with that person by his side. Of years and years of getting to know them better than he knew himself. In a town comprised of about thirty or so people, half of which were married or otherwise committed, Elliott had always thought that it wouldn’t happen to him.

At least, until the new farmer rolled into town.

Everyone was interested when they heard the local farm was being taken over by the previous owner’s granddaughter. A new face would be interesting under any circumstances, but one who was going to transform the weed-ridden farm? Well, that was something else entirely. He hadn’t met her until about a week after she’d moved in, when she’d gone to visit Willy at the docks. Elliott had been on the docks, bare feet dangling over the side as he scratched out several lines from a poem he was trying to write.

“Are you… Willy?” the woman had asked, hesitating outside the door that would actually take her to Willy. Elliott was immediately struck by her appearance – chestnut hair she had pulled back in a messy bun, dirt streaked on her slightly burnt face that matched the hue of her eyes. She was, he supposed, beautiful, though not in the same way as the heroines he often read about.

“No,” he laughed, gesturing towards Willy’s home. “He’s in there. My name is Elliott, and I live in that little ramshackle shack on the beach. You must be Elona, the new farmer?”

She beamed, and Elliott tried to imagine how he would write her if she was someone in his novel. He’d make sure to mention that slight gap in her front teeth, and the way her cheeks flushed when she smiled. Or perhaps that was the sunburn the work on the farm must have given her.

“That’s me. Well, it was nice to meet you. I really need to talk to Willy, but… I’ll see you around?”

“I hope so.” Elliott returned to his poem, changing one phrase five times until finally settling on the one he had originally chosen. Later – he wasn’t sure how much later, but the back of his neck had started to feel rather toasty – she had emerged, a new fishing pole in hand, and had joined him. They sat in companionable silence, each occasionally asking the other a question, until dark.

This was how it had all begun. Elona would come by every day, usually just after noon, with some products from her farm and fishing rod in tow. They would sit and talk and Elliott found himself craving every moment he would get with her – every minute spent with her was the best of that day. Afternoons turned into evenings turned into nights, and Elliott was finally beginning to understand the feelings of the characters in those romance novels he so loved.

Well. He was understanding most of them. There was one aspect he still didn’t understand was hoping might change with time, and it was the… intimacy aspect. He’d always tiptoed around the idea, even in his novels; all his knowledge had come from other authors and not from experience. After months of time together, he felt sure he loved her. Reasonably sure. What else would this feeling in his chest be, his desire to spend his life with her? To grow old with her? But there was still one thing – the marriage bed – that he couldn’t figure out how to navigate. (Well, not always the marriage bed, but he’d always been a bit of a traditionalist.)

He’d always thought that the swell of desire would come when he fell in love. That was always how it seemed to work in the novels. Sometimes it even came first. But even with Elona, even with everything he felt about her – he just couldn’t see beyond the fact that she was pretty. Elliott could tell when a person was attractive, objectively speaking. But it didn’t make him feel anything. He thought it would come with the right person. But Elona felt right in every way, and still, nothing.

She hadn’t brought it up yet, and neither had he, but tonight was the night, he had decided. It wouldn’t be fair if she had expectations he couldn’t meet. Or perhaps he was just completely broken, and could never love, not the way he was supposed to.

They were having dinner that night, at his cabin. Not homecooked – Elliott was never meant to be a chef – but seafood from the Saloon on his own plates worked just as well. It was quiet dinner, and Elliott’s hands betrayed his nervousness.

After three unfruitful attempts at conversation, Elona slammed her fork on the table, startling Elliott. “What’s wrong? You’ve been acting strange all night. Barely talking, you’ve hardly touched your lobster, and I know that’s your favorite.”

Elliott glanced at the aforementioned lobster, unable to meet her steady gaze. “Yes, well, there was… there was something I wanted… something I needed to talk to you about.” He took a deep breath, suddenly at a loss for words, despite having rehearsed it endless times. “I don’t think I can be what you need me to be,” he said, the words tumbling out, unbidden.

Elona’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. Clearly, whatever she’d expected him to say, this hadn’t been it. “What… what do you think I need?” she asked.

Elliott cleared his throat. Yoba, why was this so hard to say? “I don’t think I can… I mean, you’re beautiful, and I hope you know that, but I’m not… I don’t feel…” he stammered, unsure how to say what he wanted without wounding her. That it wasn’t her, it was him, it was that he couldn’t make himself feel that attraction he thought all couples had.

Her eyes softened, and she reached out and took his hand in her own, her fingers small and rough from hard labor. “Elliott, honey, I think I know what you’re trying to say.”

“You do?”

“Unless I’m wrong – and I rarely am,” she laughed, “you’re trying to tell me you don’t feel any sexual attraction towards me. Is that right?”

Elliott could feel heat creeping to his cheeks with how outright she was about it. “I, um, I…”

“And let me guess,” she continued, giving him a knowing smile and a reassuring squeeze. “You’ve never really figured this out about yourself and you feel broken. You see what everyone else has and you don’t understand why you don’t.”

“Yes,” he whispered. He could feel tears forming behind his eyes, though he couldn’t explain why.

“Honey, that just means you’re asexual. Or somewhere on that spectrum. It’s fine.”

“What… I don’t…” Elliott’s head was spinning. He’d never heard the term before, though he could figure out what it meant. “You mean… it’s okay?”

“More than okay,” she said, giving him that huge smile, the one that reminded him of the rays of the sun. “I was going to talk about this with you soon, because I wasn’t sure. But it had never come up, and I was nervous to be the one to do it… I’m the same way. I don’t feel that kind of attraction. But I still feel love. And I love you.”

The tears flew unbidden now, though he was smiling as they did. “So… so it’s okay?” he asked again, not quite able to believe it.

Elona stood and gave him a kiss on the forehead. “More than okay. Let’s finish dinner up and we can talk about it some more.”

Elliott swept her tiny frame into a massive hug, so overcome he was with emotion. He had agonized over this conversation, had been so sure it would lead to the loss of this woman he loved, and instead it had proven that nothing was wrong with him, with them. He was whole. They both were.

Never had he been more excited for his future.

An Archive of Someone’s Own: my experiences being groomed in fandom circles on AO3

TW: Childhood sexual abuse, grooming, mentions of incest and rape.

I used to be a big writer of fanfiction. It was the logical choice for me. I loved to write and create bold and immersive worlds, and I craved an audience who would enjoy my work as much as I did. Since my writing wasn’t actually good, I needed a community of other amateurs who wouldn’t mind that, and by tweaking my characters and settings into ones from canonical media, I got the audience I so craved.

I started writing fanfiction online when I was 14, posting initially on FanFiction.net and then moving to AO3 a few months later. As I got back into writing original fiction towards the end of high school, I lost interest in this community, and it’s been a long time since I posted anything much on AO3.

I’ve always struggled with the fact I display a lot of symptoms of CSA, and for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why. Throughout my teen years, I refused to get changed or bathe when anyone was even vaguely nearby, constantly paranoid about being spied on; I developed a severe touch phobia, and would have frequent panic attacks from something as small as brushing arms with a passerby; I resolutely identified as asexual and refused to get into anything resembling a relationship with others because the very concept disgusted and repulsed me.

Weird, considering I had grown up pretty normal and all of these symptoms had started around my early teens. It was only when I told my friends about my friendship with a 30 year old I had met online that the pieces started falling into place for me.

Child grooming is usually discussed in the context of one adult going out of their way to befriend a child with the goal of lowering their resistance to sexual abuse, through normalisation and friendliness. I’d like to talk about how that worked on the fanfiction website AO3. Since it’s an open website and most communication takes place between anonymous users or accounts in the comments section of a work, there is very little delineation between spaces for adults to discuss whatever dark topics they like and spaces for kids to do the same.

This frequently leads to pretty inappropriate conversations between people of widely varying ages and life experiences, which is how I ended up talking sex as a fourteen year old with people ranging from a couple of years older than me, who were generally okay, to more than twice my age. The 30 year old in question listed on her profile how many pedophilic ships she loved, and she knew my age but pushed me to keep discussing sexual topics with her. Sounds like a red flag, yeah? Well. I was 14, and very stupid.

This 30 year old woman, who I will call Aku (because it’s similar to her screen name and because it’s funny to name her after the bad guy from Samurai Jack) would start conversations with me whenever I posted anything to AO3 and would refuse to take no for an answer when I tried to back out of conversations with her, and since these conversations were public and occurring within comments, I didn’t want to be rude to her since this was taking place on content I was trying to promote.

I told her my age multiple times and she would either pretend she forgot from last time (saying her memory is super bad) or continue as though it was just trivia about me and not a sign she shouldn’t have been pushing me. My primary objection to what she would say to me (since most of it was just her being annoying) was her insistence on sexualising everything I wrote, and her determination to push me into writing pornographic content, which I eventually gave in to.

Yes, she was a terrible person. She emailed me using her personal email address, so I know her full name and place of residence, because she’s an idiot. These emails also contain sexually explicit materials. Nothing much ever happened between us except for these very creepy interactions and the fact we remained online friends for a few years. But here’s the thing: she wasn’t the only person pushing me into creating sexual content. Lots of people would comment on my writing demanding that I show explicit sexual content when I really didn’t want to.

After a while it felt like I couldn’t write a longer, romantic fanfiction without including explicit sexual content. Like my work wasn’t valid without it. Other, more popular writers were usually sexual in their content, and I wanted to be like them and bring in the views, right? So, when I look at my back catalog of works, I can see how my content moved from completely non-sexual to featuring sexual content over time, and the views usually came with. In this way, I was in an environment that was encouraging me on many levels to sexualise my own work, which impacted the way I thought about my creative process.

Here’s another example I remember. When I was a young sprout, I remember reading down someone’s list of fanfiction recommendations and seeing a work called Hug Therapy, which I promptly read. While the work is marked as explicit and containing the Loki/Thor pairing, the use of relationship and rating tags on AO3 is so poorly regulated that it didn’t really mean anything to me to see either of those. People tag hardcore material as non-explicit and tag friendships as relationships, because there’s no motivation to tag properly. Plus, someone I followed here on Tumblr had recommended it to me.

Now, you wouldn’t know from the listing, but while this piece starts out as comedy, it turns out in the end to include rape, incest, and BDSM in very explicit terms. The fact it was tagged as being explicit didn’t slow me down, because the liberal use of these tags could mean that an explicit tag was just there because sexual content was implied or mentioned, which I thought would be the case based on the rest of the listing. Out of curiosity, I recently tried to report this work to the moderators for containing no warnings about incest or rape, and I got this in response:

“Selecting “Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings” satisfies a creator’s obligation under the warnings policy. Users who wish to avoid specific elements entirely should not access fanworks marked with “Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings”. Our Terms of Service note: “You understand that using the Archive may expose you to material that is offensive, triggering, erroneous, sexually explicit, indecent, blasphemous, objectionable, grammatically incorrect, or badly spelled. ….. This decision is in accordance with our policy of maximum inclusiveness; we have therefore closed this case and will not be investigating further.”

Which, yeah, I guess. The frustration comes from how ‘Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings’ is an extremely commonly used tag, and most things that it’s used on are totally harmless.

This fanfiction, which I was recommended by a friend, is hugely popular, in the top 60 most read fanfictions in the entire fandom. You wanna hear the kicker? The author, Astolat, is one of the founders of AO3. They’re not just some random author who isn’t following the rules. They’re a creator of the whole website, and they made the rules. This is pretty telling about how seriously the website actually takes protecting their users.

My final example I want to give is one of fetish content. People in fetish communities generally (not always) say that fetishes are probably something one should work up to after the onset of sexual activity, especially potentially harmful stuff like BDSM. In the circles I was running in, if you weren’t sporting a fetish or two (no matter your age) you were a boring bitch.

Maybe this isn’t true of everywhere in the fanfiction community, but I used to feel that bizarre pressure until I got out. Bear in mind that my main time in this community was from ages 14 to 17. I never made my age a secret, either. I told people outright I was that age, I was in high school, I was playing hockey and studying The Great Gatsby when I wasn’t online.

Since I was in the Avengers fandom and I liked Loki and the Asgardians, I was frequently exposed to incestuous content between Loki and Thor, and a lot of it came out of nowhere or was poorly tagged. This was considered the norm, and while I at first felt completely horrified and repulsed, within a year or two I no longer gave a shit. It’s only in the last few years as I’ve begun to unpack everything that I’ve started to get that strong revulsion reaction to incestuous content.

In the circles I was in, it was relentlessly normal. Normal to the point that people who disliked it were usually shouted down. Even to this day, debate rages on in fandom spaces about whether or not content like this normalises this kind of abuse. In my own personal experience, which I don’t usually like to talk about, it absolutely does.

In real life, this normalisation started to have serious consequences for my mental health and interpersonal relationships. In fanfiction, any occasion when you are alone with someone could become sexual, any familial relationship is possibly sexual, and it doesn’t matter if you like it or not. I became incredibly anxious around male family members for fear of being sexually assaulted, and my OCD, which I had been developing since I was a child, turned from thoughts of physical violence to thoughts of graphically sexually assaulted by anyone and everyone around me.

My fear of being touched got to the point where I would have panic attacks if anyone came anywhere close to touching me. I quit sports, fucked up my romantic relationships, and didn’t hug anyone, not even members of my family, for years. All the while, I had bought my first laptop and was consuming more fanfiction than ever before. I struggled with my sexuality growing up, as I am bisexual, and while fanfiction provided LGBT content to help me, the content was frequently so disturbing that I viewed any expression of sexuality as something evil and predatory.

The community on AO3, whether you like it or not, is often sexual, and provides no barriers between the casual user looking for content and extremely intense fetish material. It’s sometimes called the Pornhub of fanfiction, but considering the wide range of people who use it, it’s more like if you opened Youtube and saw niche hardcore fetish videos just on the front page, recommended and trending.

Sure, you have to click a little button to confirm you’re 18 before you can actually read a story, but the tags and descriptions of readily available works can be extremely explicit. Fanfiction also brings you into close contact with fellow readers and the author, and encourages you to become a content creator, which in some ways makes it more dangerous.

I was affected much more strongly by what I saw than most people would be, because I was already treading shaky ground. But I’m also not the only person out there who has been hurt in this way. Most of my friends who grew up in fandom can report the impact that fanfiction culture had on them. One of my friends from high school knew a panoply of porn terms at age 14 or so due to reading fanfiction, and another of my other friends at high school almost exclusively read rape porn because it was her favourite. I didn’t have friends who watched porn; I had friends who read fanfiction. These are just as troubling to me as any other accounts of young people consuming visual porn from a very early age.

It’s frequently cited that fanfiction gives minority groups the opportunity for creative outlet. It was a great place for me to cut my teeth as a content creator, and a source of acceptance and kindness when times were tough. Fanfiction communities have historically been the domain of women and minorities, and create a space for these people to tell their own stories.

It’s largely because of this that fanfiction communities fear censorship and strict moderation, as they have been attacked in the past on homophobic or misogynistic grounds, resulting in mass deletions of works or the shutdown of websites. But there must be some middle ground between total censorship and the kind of free rein that puts vulnerable people in danger, and I strongly encourage the board of AO3 to seek this middle ground out.

But it’s the community itself that needs to shape up; AO3 is, after all, a community-led website built by fans for fans, so the fact that this website has such issues is a reflection of the issues that run deeply within the people who created it. Aku didn’t talk to me with the intention of doing me harm, or so I believe at this time, and she didn’t pursue me as a lone wolf or in isolation.

She was simply a particularly brazen member of a community that was used to having inappropriate conversations with young people and sexualising everything they did. Even people my own age were jokingly pushing me into discussing and consuming extremely sexual content. It was just normal. That’s what I want to say here. Inside the world of fandom on AO3, the grooming of children with sexual content is normal. And that’s scary.

- Mod Daft

Is it bad to enjoy smut between two gay characters? I’m a bisexual woman and people on twitter always talk badly about people who aren’t mlm reading it. I’ve always read smut with any characters I’ve shipped so it doesn’t feel like fetishizing, but people seem to think it is

okay yes let’s talk about this because i have thoughts

*cracks knuckles*

i know there’s a fuck ton of discourse surrounding fandom, slash writers, and the fetishization of queer characters. people’s concerns about this are completely valid and i never want to invalidate anyone’s opinion.

i’m a queer woman. i identify as a lesbian, and my pronouns are she/her. i’m married to an AFAB non-binary person who uses she/they pronouns. i’ve been in relationships with men in the past, before accepting my sexuality and coming out, but i don’t personally find men sexually attractive/want to have sex with men, though i have in the past (comp het is a bitch okay?). however, i enjoy reading and writing smut, even if it does involve men, because it’s fiction. but, i can only speak to my own experience here.

do i want a penis near me in real life? absolutely not. keep that shit as far away from me as humanly possible. like, put-that-thing-back-where-it-came-from-or-so-help-me vibes, okay? but does the concept of penis-adjacent sex make me ill? no. because sex is sex, whether it’s between two men, two women, a man and a woman, or any combination therein. sex is beautiful and exciting, especially when it takes place within the confines of love and passion (i don’t personally enjoy reading about graphic, emotionless sex unless i know it’s a slow burn or like, a fwb to lovers situation). idk, i’m a slut for those late-night whispered confessions of “god, i love you” while the characters are fucking under the covers, like inject that shit into my veins please and thank you 😇💕

twitter is uhhhhhhhhhhhhh something. definitely something. i’ve only ever engaged with fandom on tumblr or instagram, never twitter, because of how fucking insane it can get. my mental health is too fragile for that, which is why i don’t have a twitter account anymore 😬 i understand criticisms of people that aren’t mlm writing and reading mlm smut, just like i understand criticisms of people that aren’t wlw writing and reading wlw smut. the fetishization and commodification of queer sex for consumption by the masses is a huge issue, one i’ve felt the impact of in my own life (i get invasive questions about my sex life from straight and gay people, regularly, when they find out i’m a lesbian - how do two women have sex anyway? do you use sex toys? are you a top or a bottom? on and on, like uhhhhh babe it’s none of your business?)

however. i must reiterate. we’re talking about fiction here. sexy shit is sexy shit, regardless of the pairing. i’ve written and read wlw smut, mlm smut, and straight smut in the past. for me, sex is this universally applied concept that’s entirely genderless. yes, the functions are different depending on the parts and the pairing, but sex is sex is sex is sex, and reading about someone fucking someone else into the mattress, preferably someone they love, is hot regardless of who/what/why.

i don’t think there’s anything wrong with reading and enjoying smut that doesn’t align with you as an individual - that is to say that i don’t think it’s wrong for women to read mlm smut or men to read wlw smut. as long as you’re not actively dehumanizing or infantilizing the characters for your own sexual needs, like reducing them to nothing but the sex acts they engage in and refusing to see them as a whole person, i don’t personally think there’s anything wrong with consuming smut of any kind, regardless of your personal gender expression and sexuality.

also, bad smut is pretty easy to sniff out. like, it’s pretty easy to tell if someone is writing from a fetish-based viewpoint rather than a character-driven one. like when men write lesbian sex scenes and it’s like 90% aggressive fingering. like, excuse me? my good sir, that’s...not how that works. idk what to tell you. you don’t just jam your fingers up there and hope for the best, okay? like, it’s easy to tell if someone’s knowledge about wlw or mlm sex acts comes solely from overproduced, performative p0rn or if it comes from a long history of reading and writing smut or talking about sex with wlw and mlm themselves (i enjoy talking about sex with my wlw and mlm friends and a lot of my knowledge of mlm sex obviously isn’t first-hand since i’m a queer woman, but is largely shaped by my mlm friends themselves and the stories we’ve shared with each other - i’d trust them to write wlw smut as gay men because of the open, honest, and respectful conversations we’ve had and what i’ve shared with them about how wlw sex works)

all in all, i don’t think it’s fetishization to read mlm smut as a queer, bisexual, or straight woman. i don’t think it’s inherently bad, or shameful, or dirty. like, are asexual people not allowed to read smut if they enjoy it? they may not want to jump on a dick themselves, but if they enjoy reading about their favorite character jumping on a dick, they should be allowed to do that. fiction is fiction, stories are stories, and the great part about existing as an autonomous being is the ability to pick and choose the content you consume and create based on your own personal preferences, and extend the same right to everyone else. 💛

A study in Sherlock Holmes (s1e1)

A Study in Pink is an introduction to these characters and this universe, it sets up key plot points that are expanded on and sets up some characters that are beautifully developed and expended on throughout the rest of the series.

Sherlock is presented as an abnormally smart, lonely, and to an extent, arrogant person that lacks a filter and can be rude and disrespectful through his deductions (honestly id say that this is a pretty accurate description of sherlock throughout the first two seasons) however, he isn't a total prick, and is shown to be nice to be around. 

Sherlock is ahead of everyone else around him, his brain works faster and that is also portrayed through the pace he is speaking at, unusually fast, with no doubt and a lot of confidence in the things he is saying. Quite early on, we also realise how dedicated he is to his job, as Sally said, he doesn't get paid. It becomes clear that he enjoys it (well not many people would jump around happily when they learn that there's a serial killer out there) which is what sets him out from normal people quite a lot. 

Now the key point: "I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high functioning sociopath". I think when we are first introduced to this idea, its easy to believe. We don't start doubting that idea until the later episodes, especially towards season 4. Now whatever you may think about this, whether you really do believe he's a sociopath or you think its aspergers syndrome or (/and) ADHD, or something completely different, there really wasn't a reason to doubt this idea. It's made clear that he doesn't have any close bonds, even with his own brother. He doesn't seem to show any negative emotions when he sees a woman lying dead, and actually calls the case “fun”. This shows pretty well that he knows absolutely n o t h i n g about human nature or that he is simply unable to feel sympathy. For first time watchers, I think that it gives off the idea of a mixture of these two, however, over time it leans more into him just not having enough experience with humans. 

I feel like i have to talk about sexuality here, now you can believe whatever you want about his sexuality this is just my view, its alright to disagree. He pretty much denies being straight, saying that girlfriends “aren’t his [my] area”, he never actually denies that he is gay, only saying that he knows its alright. He does later go on to say that he “considers him[my]self married to his [my] work” which could mean a lack of interest. Some people also believe that he is asexual so that awkward conversation between him and John could be pointing at that idea. 

There is also a small introduction to his drug problems, he establishes that “nicotine patches help him [me] think” and I inferred that its what he used harder drugs for too. 

Lastly, something that really stood out to me was his confusion when John was laughing at the “welcome to London”. That small look of surprise always hits me, it also shows how he doesn't have friends or anyone to spend time with, therefore doesn't really get people laughing at his jokes or reacting positively to anything he says. 

Now onto the relationships we are introduced to:

First we see Sherlock and Molly. Sherlock is either completely oblivious to Molly's affection towards him, because he's not interested in her specifically, not interested in dating overall or isn't attracted to women. He does seem to take advantage of Molly's affection for him, whether its conscious or not, even through asking her to get him coffee. I think I read somewhere that Molly was only meant to be introduced for an episode to showcase Sherlocks arrogance (but evidently came back for more episodes because of how liked she was) and that kind of sums up their relationship, especially near the beginning. 

I've always seen Mrs Hudson as a somewhat parental figure to Sherlock, yes we have mummy Holmes but we never really got too much information about her until season 3. You can see that Sherlock does care for her, whether he wants to admit it or not. It's quite obvious through the hug honestly. Even from the first few minutes we can infer that Sherlock isn't all for physical contact and that hug shows that they have a close bond.

Now for Lestrade, it's clear that Graham relies on Sherlock quite a lot, whether he wants it or not (we can assume he doesn't really like being so dependent on him). He knows about Sherlocks drug habits and has known him for “5 years”. The fact that he has known Sherlock for quite a while but admits to not knowing much about him is quite telling about how closed in Sherlock is. He also clearly thinks sherlock is extraordinary talented, but lacks humanity in a way, I think this is particularly shown through the "he's a great man, he might even be a good one" phrase.

We only really get to see a glimpse of his relationship with Mycroft, but I think that even from the few minutes we get to see them interact, their relationship is conveyed perfectly. Though there is clearly a lot of resentment between them, Mycroft admits to caring about Sherlock. What's also important to note is that even Mycroft, the closest person to Sherlock probably, acknowledges that Sherlock doesn't have friends, and that he forming some sort of relationship with John is clearly odd behaviour. 

Anddddd lastly, John Watson. I love the contrast between John and Sherlock, mainly through the fact that Sherlock has the brains,  but is lacking heart, and John is the exact opposite, yes he is smart for an average human being but he is nowhere near as smart as Sherlock, but he does have the heart. I feel like they are made to complete each other and when they aren't together, something always ends up going wrong (though I will explore this when it comes to later episodes). They are also very similar in an odd way, they enjoy the danger they put themselves in. When John started doubting Sherlock slightly after Sally said that “he gets off on it” Sherlock was quick to point out that “he[I] said danger, and here he[you] are”. They both enjoy the adrenaline that solving crimes gives them, and its beautiful to see that while the characters evolve, change, mature and make mistakes, that doesn't change about them. 

Whoooooshhh that was a ride, anyways, i will try doing one of these a week if anyone seems to like them, let me know of anything you would add (i most definitely missed something) or just your overall thoughts, I’d love to hear them! Apologies for repeating myself so much, if you would like a summary then: Sherlock is a lonely genius. 

Asexual Identities & Feminist Her-Stories

This is a blog for Ace Week 2020 @asexualawarenessweek​, inspired by this year’s theme: ‘Our History’.  

I recently came across this talk on You Tube: ‘Ace and Aro Zines as Community Building and History’ which was delivered by Olivia Montoya at the 2019 WorldPride Ace and Aro Conference. It’s a fascinating insight into the history of ace zines. What got me particularly excited though was when Olivia started showing quotes from feminist speeches and publications from as far back as the 1970s which mention asexuality; and Riot Grrrl zines from the ‘90s and early-2000s which also discussed ace-ness.

Coming across this talk has led me to take a look back at my own involvement with feminism and how it informed the way I thought about my sexuality, prior to realising I was asexual.

I was involved in feminist activism from 2005-2008-ish, when I was in my early/mid-twenties. I was of the feminist generation that protested ‘raunch culture’; the objectification of women and the marketing of Playboy pencil cases to pre-pubescent girls. The activism I was involved in was very much underpinned by radical feminist theory and ideas; including that of the ‘woman-identified woman’. The ‘woman-identified woman’ rejects sexual/romantic relationships with men and instead prioritises relationships with women; these relationships can be sexual, but they don’t have to be.

This concept of the woman-identified woman, along with the radical feminist critique of compulsory heterosexuality, and just patriarchy in general really, definitely influenced the way I thought about my sexuality during this time. I didn’t identify as straight. But this wasn’t because I knew I lacked sexual/romantic attraction towards men (I didn’t really get to grips with this until I discovered there was such a thing as asexuality);  I did know on some level I wasn’t interested in men; I couldn’t imagine myself settling down with a man; but my rejection of heterosexuality was more an expression of my radical feminism: “I’m not dating men because patriarchy, grrr!” type-thing.

I didn’t identify as bi or lesbian either, though (the only other sexualities on my radar at the time). I couldn’t imagine myself with a guy; but I couldn’t imagine myself with a girl, either. In fact, the way I thought about my sexuality is summed up perfectly in one of the Riot Grrrl zines Olivia shows in her presentation. In an essay entitled, ‘Your Revolution Will Not Happen Between These Thighs!’, its author, Lauren Jade Martin, writes: “I wasn’t straight, bi, or a dyke - I just thought of myself as nothing.”

Looking back now, I see how much I thought about (my) sexuality in the abstract. This way of thinking was certainly influenced by my exposure to radical feminism; however, I wonder whether it was also a sign of my asexuality. 

Although I was in my twenties, I’d never had sex and never been in a relationship; I’d not experienced any of the fleshy, squishy-squashy feelings that (I’m told) constitute sexual/romantic attraction, and therefore a person’s sexual identity/orientation. This therefore probably made me more receptive to the radical feminist idea of sexual orientation being a political choice you can make.

Today, a decade on, I no longer think about my sexuality in this way. And that’s because I discovered (my) asexuality. 

Over the past 12 months, I’ve been exploring (my) ace-ness, which has involved lots of self-reflection and examination of my past experiences and feelings in relation to all things sexual and romantic. This process of self-exploration has meant I no longer think about my sexuality as this abstract thing; now I know I’m asexual, I think about it as something more innate; as an orientation; as something I can’t help but be.  

So, it was interesting to come across ‘The Asexual Manifesto’ (again, via Olivia’s talk, and available to view here). This was a feminist pamphlet published in 1972 and is very reminiscent of the radical feminism I was immersed in years ago, such as it talks about “reject(ing) any possibility of sex” (with men or with women), “unless our conditions are met… thereby prevent(ing) ourselves from being sexually exploited and oppressed.”

If I’d have come across this manifesto back in my activist days, I might have embraced its definition of asexual.

Reading The Asexual Manifesto now though, I find it more problematic; because the way it defined asexuality is different to the way asexuality is defined today. The manifesto says asexuality is something a woman can choose; that it’s an “efficient ‘alternative lifestyle’ for revolutionary women”. It does not talk about asexuality in terms of experiencing little/no sexual attraction.

And whilst it could be said, ‘yeah, okay, this is a definition from the past, so let’s not worry about it too much’; check out the Wikipedia entry on ‘feminism and asexuality’. It conflates asexuality with political lesbianism – another version of that ‘woman-identified woman’ radical feminism I was talking about above.

This conflation of asexuality with radical/political lesbian feminism troubles me because it distorts and negates what asexuality actually is. I don’t want my asexuality to be construed as a choice. Yes, I’m a feminist who has issues with compulsory heterosexuality; however, I don’t have relationships with men because of that; the reason I don’t have relationships with men is because I’m simply not attracted to them. 

My asexuality is something innate to me; that’s how I experience it; how I embody it. It’s not something I’ve chosen. It’s who I am.

There’s definitely potential for an ‘asexual feminism’; but it needs to be rooted in an understanding of asexuality as experiencing little/no sexual attraction, rather than as a political/lifestyle choice. 

‘HUMO’s big youth survey - Sex, love and relationships’ - With Nathan Bouts

- TW: explicit content and mentions of sexual assault, intimidation, getting drugged, (internalized) homophobia, slutshaming, dubious consent, sexualization -

‘How does youth look at love? Do they go all out or keep it safe with a round of virtual sex? An experienced trio may reveal it all: Billie Leyers (25) is the third child from the well-known family Leyers and singer-song writer. Marie Van Uytvanck (21) recently kicked it off with her band Kids With Buns all the way to the semi-finals of ‘Humo’s Rock Rally’. For the testosterone at this table we’ve got Nathan Bouts (22), actor in the youth series ‘wtFOCK’. ‘I long for some spontaneity again. May I squeeze your butt?’

- Note from hopetofantasy: Marie is the same person who made the LGBT+ podcast, where Yara Veyt talked about her sexuality. -

The first number: 6 out of 10 youngsters think a serious relationship is important. Do you guys dream about that? Billie Leyers: “A lot of my girl friends are really looking for steady relationships. I’m not that type of person, I’d like to see what crosses my path. But for some kind of reason I still end up in one. Since I’ve been sexually active - soon it’ll be 10 years ago: huray! - I’ve had three long relationships. Now I’ve been together with Jasper (Maekelberg, from ‘Faces on TV’) for two and a half years. Coincidentally, it’s the man I wish to grow old with.” Nathan Bouts: “I think a serious relationship is a nice idea, but at the moment I don’t have one.” What kind of boxes should a potential partner tick on your list? Nathan Bouts: “Sounds pretentious, but I want someone with a certain intellectual level, someone I can talk to. She must be sure of herself.” Billie Leyers: “It’s the same for me. It doesn’t matter if someone is a good plumber, an actor or a musician, he should come home and talk about his day with passion. The biggest turn-off is someone who just smokes joints on a couch and doesn’t know how to handle his life.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “I might have a really weird box to tick: if I get to know someone, I want to see her Spotify-playlist. I can be really attracted to someone with the right playlist.”

Has Spotify provided you with a relationship yet? Marie Van Uytvanck: “Not yet. The fact that I was stuck in the closet for a long time, sure has something to do with that. I think a lot of people might have wondered for a long time if I was asexual. So, no. It just took me seven years before I was completely ready to share it with everyone.” You made a podcast about it: the ‘Uit De PodKast’. There, you talk about how you’ve told your parents. Marie Van Uytvanck: “Friends knew it already, but I waited a long time to come out at home. Actually, my parents just know about it recently: I’ve told them during lockdown, with a letter. Their reaction was really sweet. They mostly felt shitty for me, because I felt unhappy about it for years on end - I’ve known I liked girls since I was 14. I’ve never had a serious relationship, but I’ve dated someone for a long time. Even that was very complicated, because I was still in the closet. So we saw each other in secret at a café across the country (*laughs*). Ridiculous: two girls could sit next to one another perfectly, without people thinking they’d be on a date.” How is your relationship with your parents? I’m wondering, because there doesn’t seem to be a conflict between generations with the current one: four out of ten would even like to live in the same area as their parents.  Marie Van Uytvanck: “Since I came out to them, our bond has strengthened. Right before my coming out, it was a bit weird. During that time we went on vacation together. I’ve never longed for my own dorm more than on that trip. But now, I like to hug my mom all the time. The big secret isn’t a road block between us anymore.” Billie Leyers: “I live with my partner, but I get a long with my parents very well. Sometimes too much, I guess. If I didn’t call them or one of my sisters by noon, then Jasper asks me what’s wrong. Why should we even rebel to our parents? I’ve got the impression that their generation was far more rock-and-roll than ours. My dad gets annoyed at the festivals nowadays: opening bags and searching people, what’s rock-and-roll about that? Back in his days, everything was far more relaxed. They were the generation of the orgies. I wouldn’t mind to go back to that. It’s all too goody-goody now.” RETWEET! Out of all the serious relationships between young people, one out of five people met online. Five years ago, that number was only 15 percent.  Marie Van Uytvanck: “I’ve done it a few times, but I don’t think Tinder dating is pleasant. The idea that you meet someone and have to approve them, doesn’t feel right to me. Spontaneously meeting someone in-person with whom it clicks, seems way more fun. Even when it’s not that easy, since I fall for people of the same sex.” Billie Leyers: “I’ve got zero experience with Tinder. My relationships always started at school.” Like 1 out of 3 youngsters.  Billie Leyers: “I’ve met Jasper at school too: he was the mentor for my thesis. So yeah, I’ve run off with the teacher (*laughs*). I’ve seen it in my environment though, online dating. They’d be chatting for weeks or months, eventually meet up and then find out that there is no spark between them. It’s a shame, three months of your life in the thrash.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “Of course: you’ve been idolizing them for a while. Also, in a chat conversation you can still think before you send something, so no mistakes either.” Corona has been an obstacle in the life of the single: 73 percent of them hasn’t had new dates since March.  Nathan Bouts: “I didn’t experience the lockdown as dramatic. I just completely focussed on my music. With results, since my first single will be released soon.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “So you didn’t do anything the whole time? Not that I’ve done illegal dates during lockdown, but afterwards I’ve had some new dates. And no, it wasn’t always with social distance or face masks. Dating like that, seems a bit weird, no? (*Speaks to Billie*) Wasn’t it hard for you guys, as a couple?” Billie Leyers: “With a lot of couples it was the one or the other: they fell in love more than ever or it was over. It went surprisingly well with us: we’re perfectly in tune with each other. We give each other the much needed space.” Nathan Bouts: “That’s a great relationship you have! It seems fun to have something similar during the next lockdown, even though I’m kinda attached to my own independence. I’ve had a relationship of three years. If we were together for a week, I needed a few days to myself afterwards. Also, I think it’s terrible to sleep next to someone.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “Retweet! I’ve got the exact same. During the day, I’m already all over the place: I’ve got ADHD and talk too much. So when I get home, I’d like to go to bed, lay in my own smell.”

SQUIRREL IN BED Only 5 percent of serious teen relationship have met each other at a café. Do you guys walk up to someone at the bar? Billie Leyers: “Only the creepy types still do that. ‘You seem nice. Can I have your number?’ Then you leap back immediately, if you’re a woman.” Nathan Bouts: “Really? I think a guy could still do that though. I don’t - I hate flirting - but I see a lot of friends of mine do the same. They even use me. Then they pull me along at my arm, until the girl - they like to hit on - sees me: “Look, it’s my friend, Jens from ‘wtFOCK’. My character is a somewhat chill dude without any complexes, who’s seriously confident, so that resonates with the ladies. I don’t want to use that to impress them, but my friends don’t get it: ‘Why don’t you use that attention to sleep around?’.” That would be the 14 percent who fits the statement: if you’re young, you have to try as many sex partners as you like. Billie Leyers: “I’m not a guy, but the time you could dance with a girl and suddenly kiss her on the mouth, is completely behind us, I guess. If you’re not careful, they could accuse you of sexual assault afterwards. I long for a time we could do that again. Not that I’m pro-sexual assault, but a little bit of spontaneity is allowed, right? Everything has a question mark now: may I kiss you? May I squeeze your butt? Life has gotten less romantic.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “At parties, I still see - excuse me: saw - that happening, though: squeezing the butt. All my girl friends are bothered by it.” Nathan Bouts: “(*nods*) Some of my friends can’t go out for an evening of dancing without some dude grinding against them.” Billie Leyers: “But those are the creepy types. Only them still dare to try. Although: a while ago, I was walking over the Groenplaats with my bike in hand. Suddenly some guy asked me timidly if he could walk along. First I thought it was weird, but it was kinda cute too. He walked with me and said goodbye in a polite way. He probably noticed that my ‘I’m taken’-light was on. If I was single, I might have given him my number. That would be a nice story, right?” Do you think, just like almost one out of three young people, that #metoo is being greatly exaggerated? When asked the guys, it’s even 38 percent. Billie Leyers: “Difficult topic. I’m not that into hashtag MeToo, I guess.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “You have to be careful with statements like that. I do think people abuse the #metoo to get attention. It’s a small amount of people, but like that, they ensure that serious issues get cast into the shadow and that people even use the hashtag as a joke.” Something is happening though: 1 out of 4 girls say they’ve experienced sexual assault and intimidation. Billie Leyers: “Are those also the girls who get squeezed in the butt? For me, sexual intimidation resonates more with skewed balances of power at work. It’s still disgusting of course, but different than someone who puts his hand on your arm at the bar. I think we’ve gone too far in that issue. We’re all human and fumble about.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “You’re right in that. One time, there was a guy a few meters away, starting at a girl on the dance floor. Okay, that wasn’t nice, but it was the ‘Gentse Feesten’ (= a 10-day music and theatre festival in Ghent, known for its partying until the late hours) and everyone was drunk. Suddenly that girl said: ‘I’m gonna fix this.’ She went to get security and they tossed the guy out, while everyone was looking at him as if he was the biggest pervert, who assaulted her. On the other hand, I heard a lot of complaints of girls that they’ve been drugged at parties too.” Nathan Bouts: “Not only girls experience that. I was at a party once and a girl put a bottle of water in my hand, while asking: ‘You thirsty?’. I don’t know if that water was meant for me, but I’m sure they put something in it: I felt weird and dizzy afterwards, I barely made it home with my bike. At home, I sat on the toilet for three hours, not knowing where I was.” Of the girls who had sex, a third did experience it (once) against their wishes. 16 percent of guys state the same. Marie Van Uytvanck: “Last year I was on a trip to Berlin with my class. In the club a woman drugged one of the boys and got him off. If that’s not assault, I don’t know it anymore... But the weird thing was: the boy acted as if nothing was wrong. He even seemed proud of it.” Billie Leyers: “For men, the cliché still stands: every guy likes to get a blowjob. If the guy was proud for real, though, there shouldn’t be a problem.” Did you experience sex against your will, Nathan? Nathan Bouts: “Not really against my will, but it happens that I lose the desire halfway through. It’s my own issue: I get distracted really easily. I could be having sex and suddenly think: why did Nelson Mandela die? Or which color should I paint my wall?” Marie Van Uytvanck: “So relatable. Do you have ADHD too?” Nathan Bouts: “Could be: I’ve got the attention span of a squirrel. Sometimes I can get distracted by the abstract aspect of ‘sex’ itself: what in god’s name is my body actually doing? Then it suddenly gets too graphic.” Now I’m very curious of your first time. Nathan Bouts: “Terrible! When I was 14, I was going to, but then she changed her mind. I didn’t mind that it eventually took a few years: I was 17. What can I say about it? The expectations were high, but not a lot happened.” Billie Leyers: “Isn’t the first time clumsy for everyone? (*to HUMO*) Don’t you have any statistics about that?” Not about that, but I do have numbers about the age of young people when they first have sex. Guess. Nathan Bouts: “Pretty young, I guess. 14? 15? That’s what I hear around me.” 16,7. That’s barely a difference with 2015 (16,6) or even 2010 (16,8). And everyone keeps thinking that young people do it at a younger age. Billie Leyers: “I’ve had a false start, like Nathan: when I was 14, it almost happened. But as soon it was clear that he was going for more, I thought: ‘ho, we’re not going to do that!’ After that experience, it took me two more years before I went all the way. (*to Marie*) So, question: have you ever felt something for a guy?” Marie Van Uytvanck: “Yes. I can feel sexually attracted to a boy, but not romantically. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach for boys.” Five years ago 70 percent of girls thought love and sex should always go together, now only half thinks that way - just like the guys. Do girls have more meaningless one night stands too? Marie Van Uytvanck: “Just with someone random? I don’t like that at all.” Billie Leyers: “I think it might be something. I told before that I usually have long relationships, but in that period between two relationships my inner Samantha from ‘Sex and the city’ emerges and then I could go for a one night stand. When I’m single, I’m a different version of myself, more animal than human, and totally focussed on the physical.” Never had a bad experience? Billie Leyers: “Oh, I did. Once I thought, even before it ended: oops, I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t stay the night, but I left at 6 o’clock in the morning. The regret already appeared. With a good one night stand, both parties are on the same wavelength: you both know it’s noncommittal, almost for sport.” Don’t you get looks for that, as a woman? Billie Leyers: “I’m not the last drunk girl on the dance floor and someone who sits on some other guys’ lap a half an hour later. If you go to your place with a one night stand in a discreet way, nobody will point fingers.” Nathan Bouts: “I wish I could do that, cut sex from love, but I’m too self-conscious for one night stands. Before I can be completely vulnerable, I have to know the other person through and through. Once, I’ve tried it, but as soon as we were laying in bed, I didn’t felt the spark anymore and I just wanted to leave. I couldn’t even get him up. I did went down on the girl and apologized: ‘Sorry, I don’t think more than this will happen’.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “Crazy that I heard that from a guy’s mouth, for once.” The young people who did have sex, have done it with an average of five different people. In 2015 it still was 3,3. With guys, the number is even higher than girls: seven compared to three. Nathan Bouts: “I’m far below that: I’ve only been with two girls in total.” Billie Leyers: “(*shocked*) Really? I’ve got more. That’s probably my Samantha that has something to do with that.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “I didn’t have that many sex partners either, especially with the whole closet-thing. If you have sex with a woman, then the question remains: what’s sex and what’s foreplay? Do you count going down as sex or foreplay? Even among us, dykes, we’ve got that kind of conversations. Everyone sees that differently.” Should you, as a girl, better name a lower number every time when it comes to sexual partners? Billie Leyers: “I guess you better not say a number higher than the average.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “I don’t have that impression. Don’t boys experience the same, nowadays? ‘He fucks everyone’.” Nathan Bouts: “Actually, yes. Men can be sluts too.” TRIO WITH A LOG From the survey we can conclude that girls go for partners of the same sex far more than boys.  Billie Leyers: “Between my almost-first time and my real first time, I’ve been with a girl for a year. She was my best friend. Our first kiss was a joke, but soon enough it turned into something serious. We were in love, although you should take that with a grain of salt: we were in love like 15-year-olds could be in love. They didn’t know that at home: I only stayed over at her place for a suspicious amount. I can still feel attracted to girls, but I couldn’t be with a girl anymore. Emotionally, it’s too much and physical it’s too less.” Nathan Bouts: “Boys won’t admit quickly that they would like to try something with a boy. We still live in a macho culture.” The statistics are worrying: 1 out of 6 boys think it’s a problem if there’s a gay friend within their group. A quarter doesn’t think having a transgender between their mates is okay. Nathan Bouts: “I’ve kissed a dude before. I don’t think it’s disgusting at all. I can still look at a man and think: that’s a handsome man. Not that I have the desire to give him a blowjob, far from it, but objectively, I can still find a man beautiful. I think a lot of men think like that, but won’t dare to admit it. For me, that seems like bottled up macho frustrations. I’m not bothered by it.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “When I was prepubescent, I had a weird phase where I didn’t notice that I might be gay, even though it was as obvious as it could be. Not that I participated in gay bashing or made homophobic comments, but I pretended that I thought it was disgusting. I was probably scared of how people would look at me if they knew. (*to Nathan*) Did you know you’re in my podcast? I’m using a scene from wtFOCK where your voice can be heard. It’s such an amazing tv series for young people who are gay, because you guys treat it as a normal thing. As a teen, I missed characters or storylines where I could recognize myself in.” Nathan Bouts: “We’ve often received reactions from young people who are grateful for what we did. Because of us, they took that step to come out.” For the first time, we asked young people to define themselves. 9 percent checked the ‘bisexual’ box, 4 percent call themselves ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’. How do you guys define yourself? Marie Van Uytvanck: “I’m homo-romantic and bisexual, but you can call me gay. Rather that than ‘lesbian’, because that sounds ugly.” Billie Leyers: “I think all those labels are a bit tiring.” Nathan Bouts: “Me too. If I have to, I’ll define myself as heterosexual, but at the same time I think it’s difficult to label myself. Who knows if in one year, I’ll meet a man whom I could fall in love with.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “Nice that you can admit that, as a man.” Something seems wrong with the tolerance of boys: two girls who walk hand-in-hand, is a problem for 7 percent of them and 28 percent still thinks it’s weird. Marie Van Uytvanck: “I never walk hand-in-hand on the street, but I wouldn’t do that with a boy either. I simply don’t like it. From the girls who do, I hear that they keep getting sexualized: then they’ll get horny comments directed at them.” Nathan Bouts: “It’s because of porn: lesbian porn is the most viewed category - I read that somewhere.” Are you part of the 30 percent that has seen porn with their partner? Nathan Bouts: “With a partner, I wouldn’t do that. You still have each other?” Billie Leyers: “Nowadays everyone can admit that they watch porn. Watching it together has a certain thrill to it. You’re getting horny by watching the same thing, without touching each other. That’s part of the fun.” Nathan Bouts: “Hm, maybe I should try it.” Something else you could try: sex with multiple partners at once. 6 percent of the sexual active youth has done it. Nathan Bouts: “I don’t know if that’s my ambition, a threesome. It would make me even more self-conscious. And I would think of the practical stuff: how do I organize that? What’s my role? Do I have enough hands to pleasure everyone?” Billie Leyers: “(*laughs*) You’ll need a log!” Marie Van Uytvanck: “Nowadays you see that question pass by a lot on Tinder: couples seeking a third party.” Billie Leyers: “In that concept, I would only like to be the guest star. It’s probably terrible to be the girl in that couple. Immediately, the next day, you’ll think: ‘Will my partner think she was more pretty or better?’ I would only get more insecure.” RACY MATERIALS And what about virtual sex? Of the experienced youngster, a third has done it. In 2015, it was only a quarter of them.  Marie Van Uytvanck: “I wouldn’t dare. I already think that people spy on me through my camera. I would be scared to end up like those three famous people.” (= Two months ago, the nudes from three famous Belgian people were leaked and shared without consent on the internet, causing a storm in their personal lives as well as their fanbase and the Belgian people.)  Billie Leyers: “Every time the conversation comes up, I think: I’m so happy I didn’t have to go through that.” Nathan Bouts: “Absolutely. (*makes a cross for good luck*) I’ve send a nude pic once too, but never with my face on it. Even if that gets leaked, nobody will know that it’s me.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “Will we ever know what happened with those people? Who knows, it might’ve been a hacker.” Who of you have seen the images? Marie Van Uytvanck: “Someone pushed them in my face, but I’m kinda blind - my sight is 3 out of 10 - so I didn’t see a lot (*laughs*).” Billie Leyers: “I’m teaching at an art school and I’ve heard 13-year-old girls scream to each other: ‘I’ve got Peter de Veire!’ As if it’s about Pokémon cards you could collect. I corrected her: ‘It’s Peter VAN de Veire and don’t you have something better to do?’.” Do you still dare to do it, sexting? Billie Leyers: “Yes. If my partner is on tour for three weeks, then it might derail to sending each other racy materials. But our bond of trust is strong. Plus: it feels comfortable to know that you have as much incriminating evidence of the other on your cell phone as he has of you.” In ‘De Morgen’, there was an article about the sexting-scandal, with the headline: ‘The spread position between prudish and voyeurism.’ Which side is the youth leaning into? Billie Leyers: “I wouldn’t know. On the one hand, you’ve got Cardi B who’s rapping about wet ass pussy and that sex is the most normal thing in the world, but if you click on a clip of one of those famous people, you’re suddenly a criminal. A weird position, yes.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “Nowadays with every topic, you’ve got two groups. Is Cardi B now the ultimate feminist or is her song just vulgar? It’s the first one for me. I think it’s cool if women can sing about their pussy too, whilst men can rap ‘suck my dick’ for years and nobody bats an eye.” Nathan Bouts: “I’m not a fan of the song, but it’s good that they talk about it. Except: if I open TikTok and see 9-year-old grind on that song, then I think: what image are they growing up with? Two females with fake breasts and a collagen butt who roll over the floor: soon they’ll think that every women needs to look like that.” Let’s end with romance: do you see yourself ever getting married? Almost 1 out of 4 think marriage is outdated.  Nathan Bouts: “I don’t think so. Too expensive and too much effort.” Billie Leyers: “It doesn’t have to be expensive? I see the principle of marriage starting a revival soon. I would like to get married.” And then get two children? An average of two, like most young people? Billie Leyers: “I used to say ‘when I grow up, I want to have 12 children’. That’s because I’m from a big family myself, as were my parents. When the Leyers-clan organizes a family day, we need our own venue.” Marie Van Uytvanck: “I want to have kids, I just don’t want to push them out myself. The idea that a child grows inside you, I don’t like that.” Nathan Bouts: “I want kids too. Two to start, and then we’ll see. Some time ago, I saw a kid on the tram and thought tenderly: ‘A child of my own...’ A slight surge of nesting instinct, I guess.”

Some Thoughts On Aphobia

As a disclaimer, this entire post obviously comes from an allosexual queer and these experiences are only second-hand from my view of all of this. This blog is usually a fandom blog, but I felt like talking about this because it’s personal to me, and I think that with the exclusionism of aros and aces rampant in the LGBTQ+ community, I could shed some light on some things with this personal story.

So, I have three sisters. My oldest sister is as hetero as they come (but, a huge ally ofc) but my other older sister is bisexual and I am queer/sapphic. My little sister, well, I’ve personally had theories of her being AroAce for awhile, but I didn’t want to push labels onto her or tell her how to feel. In the end, no matter her sexuality, it’s no one’s place to make assumptions. It doesn’t affect me, as long as she’s happy. 

Recently though, my little sister kept asking me more and more questions about asexuality and aromanticism. She asked about the definitions, the flag colours, all of it. And more recently, she admitted to me that she thought she was AroAce.  I gave her my full support and I was proud of her and all that. I’m a protective big sister, what can I say. (and as an aside, I am aware of the statistical unlikelihood that 3 out of the 4 of my sisters are LGBTQ+ and we all find it hilarious tbh)

Now, here’s the thing. My entire family, though this story will particularly be about my mom, knows I’m queer. They know my older sister is bi. We’ve received nothing but support and acceptance. We went to Pride this year, they helped me get into an LGBTQ+ support group, all of the things. 

So imagine my surprise when my little sister comes out to my parents and my mom immediately shuts her down. She says my sister is too young and immature to make that decision, -mind you, I was 14 when I came out, she’s 16- she said my sister hasn’t found the right person and just doesn’t socialise with people enough to know, and best of all, my mother said that my little sister will get married someday and give her grandchildren.

Now, children having to give their parents grandchildren is a rant on its’ own, but we don’t need to get into it because it’s ridiculous to think that my mother, with four children, the oldest of whom is ENGAGED and has picked out names with her fiance for kids, won’t get grandchildren. But all that aside. 

But aphobia isn’t real, right? To reiterate, my mother supports me to death. But when my little sister comes out as AroAce, suddenly it’s an entirely different matter. I even pointed out the hypocrisy of it to my mother, because it would’ve been horrible of her to say to me I’ll get married to a man someday so she shouldn’t say it to my sister. Do you know what my mom’s response was?

“I just want her to be happy.”

Because that’s the thing with aphobia. We exist in a society where happiness is derived from being in a relationship. We talk about soulmates and other halves and the people that complete us. It’s a different brand of homophobia but derived from the same ideas. Rather than it being that marriage can only be between a man and a woman, it’s that marriage between two people is required for happiness. Sex is required for love, and romantic love is required for a happy life.

To be clear, I don’t hate my mom for this, and I do think she’ll come around. I understand it’s a lot to process, but that’s because we refuse to normalise it. There are LGBTQ+ people who won’t even accept Aros and Aces into the community and act like aphobia isn’t real or that it doesn’t hurt people. They act like I didn’t have to go from comforting my baby sister to screaming at my mother for making my sister come to me, devastated. And trust me when I say my sister was lucky. I know there are Aces and Aros who’ve had it so much worse.

I took my sister to my LGBTQ+ support group. It was nice and we both enjoyed ourselves. When we got back home the first thing she said to me was “You know, it was really nice to tell people I was AroAce and not have to explain what it means.”

My point in all of this to point out that aphobia is very real, and that Aros and Aces need to be accepted into the community. It’s the same thing, the same struggle. People like my sister deserve to feel at home somewhere, and they deserve to have the rest of the community rallying behind them and giving them the platform to help explain to cishets their sexuality so that my sister and others can be left the fuck alone. She doesn’t need sex or an “other half” to be a normal, happy person. No one does. 

So TLDR: if you say Aros and Aces aren’t a part of this community, you will die by my queer sword.  And obviously, my views and opinions on all of this are very limited, as I’m not Aro/Ace. So if any Aros and/or Aces want to add on with their personal experience/opinions. I’d love to hear them and I’ll read them all.

A few tropes to avoid: LGBT addition

Note that this is not a complete list, but rather some tropes that I tend to see a lot that are tiring if not downright offensive and hurtful. This turned out to be a very long post, so most of it ended up below the cut. Press J to skip.

Gay/Lesbian

[id: two flags. The one on the top is the lesbian pride flag. The one on the bottom is the gay pride flag /end id]

Anything hypersexualizing

It’s just... not good representation. No one likes to be hypersexualized. Ever. 

The one gay/lesbian in the heterosexual friend group

This tends to come across as tokenism. Not real representation. Also, people tend to be friends with people they connect with. This is why a lot of LGBT people form groups. It’s actually far more likely in the real world for there to be a gay friend group with one straight person.

The homosexual dies first

Yay there’s a gay/lesbian person! Representation! oh... they died five minutes in? That sucks. 

Look, if there’s a lot of death happening in your story, it’s fine if a gay person dies, but please stop making the first death a gay person. And if you decide to kill of a gay person, make sure it’s not the only one.

The gay that refuses to admit he’s gay but he’s super feminine so he has to be

Femininity does not equal being gay. I’m not entirely sure where this trope (and general misconception) came from, but it’s tiring to see it getting beaten into the ground

Femininity is fine as a trait, but it should not be the tell that a character’s gay. Finding other dudes attractive or being attracted to other dudes should be the main tell.

(Bi/pan, Trans, Nonbinary, Genderflux/genderfluid, Ace/aro all below the cut)

Bi/Pan

[id: two pride flags. The one on the top is the pansexual pride flag. The one on the bottom is the bisexual pride flag /end id]

Anything hypersexualizing

See above. I’m tired of it. It’s not good representation.

The bi/pan character is a cheater

Bi/pan people aren’t any more likely to cheat than anyone else. The fact that the general pool of people bi/pan people are attracted to is larger doesn’t really change that. Please don’t make your bi/pan character a cheater.

The “no this character is with a [guy/girl] now so that means they’re [straight/gay] not bi”

This is bi erasure. Bi/pan people are still bi/pan when they’re dating a dude. Bi/pan people are still bi/pan when they’re dating a girl. Bi/pan people are still bi/pan when they’re dating a nonbinary person. Period.

The “this character can’t be bi/pan - they’ve only slept with one gender/they’re a virgin”

Being bi/pan is about being attracted to people of two or more genders/being attracted to people regardless of gender. It doesn’t matter who they’ve slept with. If they’re bi/pan, they find more than one gender attractive.

Trans

[id: the trans pride flag /end id]

“Hi I’m John, but I used to be Jane.”

In no world is this realistic. Trans people are not going to introduce themselves to anyone by using their deadname (their name given at birth that no longer applies to them). There are lots of other ways to show a character is trans.

Trans dudes have to be hypermasculine, and trans girls have to be hyperfeminine

This is just untrue... being a more affeminate trans dude doesn’t make him any less of a man. Being a more masculine trans woman doesn’t mean she’s any less of a woman. Not conforming to the most stereotyped version of their gender does not mean they’re not a valid person

“He - she - did the thing” when referring to a trans woman and vice versa for a trans man in prose.

I specify in prose because if someone has just come out, and characters are tripping up over pronouns but trying to learn and correct themselves, then that’s usually fine (though make sure to research what’s acceptable around this and what isn’t).

The whole calling attention to someone’s pronouns by misgendering someone and then flamboyantly correcting yourself when they’re trans thing can actually be kind of transphobic. When you’re writing prose, you don’t have any excuse so don’t do this.

The trans guy finding a bunch of ace bandages (or something similar) and using them to bind his chest

Yes, this is realistic. Yes, a lot of people do this, but it is an extremely unsafe way to bind. If your character binds, do your research. If they bind unsafely then SHOW THE NEGATIVE RESULTS of binding unsafely (difficulty breathing, cracked ribs, spinal problems, etc) they can be pretty severe. A lot of people don’t know how to bind and take cues from what they see in the media. Don’t perpetuate false information.

Nonbinary

[id: the nonbinary pride flag. /end id]

The nonbinary character has to be flatchested and vaguely masculine in order to be nonbinary

Nonbinary people are still nonbinary when they’re feminine. Nonbinary people are still nonbinary when they’re masculine. Please reflect this in your stories, as people take cues for how society works based off of the cumulation of the media they recieve.

Misgendering during an argument

This is actually really damaging to nonbinary people. What happens is that people see that it’s okay to misgender someone if they’re mad, when in reality, pronouns are a right, not a privilage to be stripped away whenever you get mad. If you were really mad at your country’s leader, you wouldn’t misgender them when you rant. You can hate them with all of your being and you probably still wouldn’t misgender them. Why is it any different with nonbinary people?

All the nonbinary people were AFAB (assigned female at birth)

It’s not inherantly wrong to have AFAB nonbinary folk in your story, but it is nice to see AMAB (assigned male at birth) nonbinary characters as well. There’s a lot less representation for them, so the more representation the better.

Being nonbinary is a phase - you’re actually binary trans or cisgender

Some people identify as nonbinary and do later find out that they identify more with a binary gender, but there’s also a lot of people who are just... nonbinary. It’s hugely dissapointing when a character that’s meant to be representation turns out to actually not be. Especially if they were the only nonbinary character.

Genderfluid/Genderflux

[id: two flags. the one on the top the genderfluid pride flag, and the one on the bottom is the genderflux pride flag /end id]

The one character in the background who’s genderfluid/genderflux in chapter three and then never seen ever again

Just include a genderfluid/genderflux character that’s actually relevant. It’s not that hard, and it’s really not that confusing. Their gender changes sometimes. They might switch their pronouns accordingly. 

The genderfluid character who’s short, vaguely masculine and has brightly died hair.

This one isn’t exactly offensive, per se, but it does feel like this is the only representation of a genderfluid character that I ever see, and that my friends ever see. Diversity is more than just having people who use different labels. It’s also about showing the different walks of life within those groups. There are a lot of genderfluid/flux people who don’t look like the stereotypical genderfluid/flux person, and they deserve representation just as much as everyone else.

The genderfluid character is the alien

This is a cop-out. It’s fine if you’ve got a race of genderfluid/flux aliens. Awesome, actually! Just add a genderfluid/genderflux human character too.

The genderfluid person who wakes up in the morning and “decides” if they’re going to be a boy or a girl today.

There are a couple things wrong with this. The first is that genderfluid people don’t just “decide” which gender they are. Their gender is more of it’s own entity. There’s not much of a choice with it. It just is.

From my own experience I can assure you that genderfluid people don’t just wake up in the morning with a random gender and then that’s their gender for the day. For me personally, my gender will change somewhere between once every three hours and once every three days, but it’s surprisingly rare that it’s overnight. It can even happen in the middle of conversations and stuff like that.

Genderfluid people don’t just switch between being a boy and being a girl. There’s a lot of space in between: nonbinary, maverique, agender, just to name a few.

Ace/Aro

[id: two pride flags. The one on top is an aromatic pride flag, and the bottom is an asexual pride flag. /end id]

The character’s horrible backstory turned them ace/aro

This is not to negate the fact that some people do identify as ace/aro after a traumatic event. That being said, most ace/aro people are just...ace or aro. There wasn’t any backstory. That’s just the way they are. Seeing that a lot more represented would be awesome.

The character’s got a mental illness because they’re ace/aro

Being ace/aro does not mean you have a mental illness. The idea that it does being spread through the media people consume is very harmful and it increases the stigma around being ace/aro, in a place where there really shouldn’t be. Yes you can have a mental illness and be ace/aro, but they’re not usually correlated.

The ace character can’t be ace because look they’ve got a partner!

Ace is short for asexual meaning you don’t feel any sexual attraction. That does not mean you can’t feel any romantic attraction. Therefore, your character can be hella ace and still have a partner that they’re romantically attracted to

If your character was aroace (a term that’s short for aromantic asexual), then they probably wouldn’t be interested in having a partner.

The character who’s aro/ace but then “finds the right person” right at the end

If they’re demisexual/demiromantic, then that’s different, but it does make it feel like the “flaw they were overcoming” was being ace/aro, and that’s both damaging to the community, and it’s also just dissapointing. There are a whole host of other flaws that your character could have that are much more worth the reader’s time.