#We've tried everything but just fucking dying and that we can't even try either
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crossover episode (mila)
masterlist | wattpad
italics dialogue = english | bold dialogue = japanese
this chapter is not canon, and is just for funzies. this is a collaboration with @enmi-land with her enha oc (who is also poly), mila!
kang della and milana bai in the same room?! is this a crossover episode?! (pls tell me you get this reference)
contains: 4.6k words, a bit (or well... kinda a lot) of angst but a happy ending!, mentions of cheating (mainly jay)
What the fuck just happened?
I asked to be dropped off at the convenience store near our dorm. I needed to buy some toothpaste, and I was perfectly fine with walking back. It had happened many times before without any issues over the (almost) three years we've lived here.
Until now. Though it's not anything I could ever explain.
As I was about to enter the building, someone behind me called my name.
"Della," she said quietly.
"Ah, 안녕하세요," I bowed nervously. Her hood was up, and a mask concealed her face. If anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to describe her features. I was terrified. (annyeong haseyo = hello)
"Don't hate me. And good luck. I won't take long, I promise," she slowly made her way closer.
The moment she uttered the words 'don't hate me,' my instincts kicked in, and I discreetly tried to retrieve my card from my pocket. When she started getting closer, I didn't care anymore and tapped the card reader without hesitation.
But the doors open and close automatically. Of course she would catch up to me.
"Wait!" even if I ran as fast as I could, it's either the stairs or the elevator, both of which would take a lot of time.
She barely did anything to me. All she did was touch my back as I rushed up the stairs. Though I suddenly felt intense dizziness, and felt as if I were floating for a moment, before returning to normal.
She was nowhere to be found afterwards and everything seemed the same..
Yet, somehow, everything felt different. It was as if the air and the overall atmosphere had changed. I couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly.
Perhaps it was magic.
What if she's a witch though... Witches scare the shit outta me.
I don't know what she did, but I do know that I have to hurry home before anything else happens.
I just wanna get home and cuddle with whoever's free.
Taking a deep breath, I entered the dorm using the combination.
My heart sank as soon as I stepped in.
Female shoes. Ones that are definitely not mine.
Nausea overcame me, and my breathing became heavy as tears welled up.
No. Della, don't. You trust them. She could be anyone. No one is cheating on you.
What if it's a sasaeng? Did that girl break into our– no. Most, if not all, of the boys should be home. They would have done something if someone had broken in.
It can't be a relative either, as we would have informed the group beforehand.
Then who is she?
"I'm home," I managed to say in a normal voice, trying to hold back the tears.
I heard panicked shuffling and quickly wiped away stray tears before they could see me.
You're strong, Kang Della. Don't show any weakness or insecurity to whoever this person is.
And there she was, someone I had never met or seen before.
She had made herself at home, wearing loungewear and her hair styled in a messy up-do.
Her eyes were wide, mirroring my previous vulnerability, and her breathing was heavy.
And she was stunning. Her freshly-dyed blonde hair contrasted with my midnight black one. She was tall (though not as tall as me, judging by how high she reached the shoe rack), with a small face, big eyes, and plump lips.
Honestly, she reminded me of myself, but in a different font or something. I don't think she's Korean.
"Who are you, and how did you find out where we live?" she asked me fearfully. "How did you know the passcode?"
Wow.
Just wow.
I know that in situations like this (or at least what it's looking like), the blame should mainly fall on the cheater rather than the person they cheated with.
But she just referred to my home as hers. Ain't no fucking way.
"Where YOU live?" I scoffed, licking the inside of my cheek. "I'm sorry– who are you, and why are YOU here?"
That's when I noticed she was wearing my favorite Jay-shirt. It felt like my heart was being crushed, and I could feel the symptoms of a panic attack creeping up.
My sweet Jay. Earlier today, he woke me up and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world. How lucky he felt to have me. His eyes showed sincerity. Was it all a lie? How can someone so lovely be so cruel?
"I live here. Who are you, and how did you know the passcode?" she responded, a bit more sternly. What the hell?
"This is Enhypen's dorm. I live here," I said, in disbelief that she didn't recognize me, even though she's dating a member of my group.
Shit. That stings. Park Jongseong fucking cheated on me.
Confusion crossed her face, and she was about to say something when we were interrupted by more shuffling.
We both turned and saw an angry Heeseung.
"What are you doing here? How did you get in?" he said sternly, pulling her behind him to protect her.
Heeseung too? My protective Heeseung who got angry at the other members if they left me unsupervised after my injury.
Now he's protecting her instead of me?
My heart started pounding, and it became harder to breathe.
"Heeseung-oppa?" I said in a small voice, feeling incredibly betrayed.
"Who are you?! Get out of our house before we call the police!" he raised his voice at me. The boys had never spoken to me like that before, especially not in such a harsh tone.
"I live here! Lee Heeseung, what are you saying?!" my voice shook as a few tears escaped.
More commotion followed, and this time all seven members appeared. Even Jake, who I could see peeking from the side of the wall.
Is he... afraid of me?
My Jake who was scared of the girls in I-Land but became so comfortable with me that his golden retriever personality came out. Now he barely wants to see me?
"You don't live here. Who are you?" Jungwon stepped forward. My Jungwon. Enhypen's leader who is ready to protect everyone despite being maknae.
But why isn't he protecting me?
"I—" the sight of all my boyfriends turning against me and defending this girl became too much. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate, and a panic attack was on the verge of consuming me.
Shit. I haven't had a panic attack in so long and the fact that my lovers are the ones to trigger it is insane. Everything was perfect just this morning– what happened?
"Breathe. Take your time," Oh my Sunghoon. So incredibly precious. Always reassuring and giving me reminders since day one.
"Sunghoon," Heeseung scolded.
"She's going to have a panic attack! How can she explain anything?" Sunghoon reasoned. "Niki, get her some water."
"No, Niki. She should leave. Now," Sunoo said firmly. "I'm calling the police." My Sunoo, our sunshine. We've had our squabbles, but I've never been this scared of him. Now I understand what people mean when they say he has an intimidating face.
"Wait, wait. What's your name?" Riki asked. "Calm down a bit. Tell us how you got in," he approached me and gently rubbed my shoulder. I tend to forget that he's still so young since he hates when I remind him of our slight age gap. My Riki is too pure sometimes. He's doing this when I'm a stranger to them.
Wait.
It suddenly hit me.
Shit, why didn't my brain work faster?
I'm a stranger to them. They don't know who I am.
It breaks my heart but I should at least introduce myself so that they know I'm not a threat.
Was this the working of that bitch (no Della, don't call her a bitch, you don't know her) who used witchcraft? Did she erase their memories or something?
"Jay-hyung, call the police," Riki switched languages, probably to ensure that I don't understand.
"Wait! Don't call!" my eyes widened, instinctively grabbing Riki's wrist. "I'm not a crazy fan, I swear!"
"Let go of him," everyone said in unison.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hold him. It was a reflex," I let go and took a deep breath. "My name is Kang Della. I'm a member of Enhypen."
"I'm sorry, what?" Sunoo scoffed. "We only have two female members in our team."
Two?
"What the fuck is happening with the world?" I couldn't help but chuckle humorlessly. "Have I gone insane?"
There's no fucking way that what I'm thinking is what happened.
"Alice?" I simply asked.
"What is Alice... answer us– what do you mean you're a member of Enhypen?" Jungwon asked.
"Did I do that thing from Everything, Everywhere, All at Once?" I leaned against the wall, clutching my aching head. "Just give me a second."
I have officially gone insane.
Even if I did 'multiverse hopped' or whatever you call it, I have officially gone insane. My head fucking hurts.
This is why I am afraid of witches.
"Can you please answer us?" Jake asked in a softer voice.
"My name is Kang Della. I was born on March 16, 2003. I'm from Seongbuk-gu, and in 2020, I participated in a survival show called I-Land," I looked up at their faces, hoping to see some recognition. Some looked in disbelief, while others seemed slightly annoyed.
"I made it into the final lineup of Enhypen. Seven boys, two girls. It was you seven plus me and Alice, but Alice left shortly after, so I was the only girl," my eyes welled up with tears at the thought of them not remembering me after everything we went through. "I live here. This dorm has been my home for almost three years. I was attending a class in university, and suddenly I came home to... to this."
"You expect us to–" Heeseung was about to say something when she cut him off. She moved closer to me, looking me in the eye. "Mila–"
"Do you have any proof?" she asked softly.
I maintained eye contact as I pulled out my phone. I let out a shaky breath when I looked at the screen for my Face ID.
The lock screen displayed a picture of us, my Enha.
I opened the gallery app, and a few tears escaped my eyes. I flinched slightly when Mila's hand reached out to wipe them away.
"Take your time," she assured me. Damn, she's sweet too. She seems perfect.
"Thank you," I whispered. My thumb hovered over the photo album labeled 'my forever.' I know I'm being dramatic but all I kept thinking was 'will I ever return to my world again?' "Here you go," I handed her my phone.
I watched as she scrolled through the pictures, but quickly averted my gaze to the floor. I really want to go home. I'm surrounded by familiar faces, but they're not my comfort people.
"Guys... These are actually you..." Mila turned around to show the seven. "And it's not even a look-alike, it's definitely you. This is the company building," Jay took the phone out of her hands to have a closer look.
I saw him tap on a specific video, and Shout Out started playing. It must be from one of our concerts.
That's when I couldn't take it anymore. Again.
I broke down. A full-on panic attack.
"Oh my God," Mila wrapped her arms around me. "Let's get you inside. Niki, get her some water."
Hearing Shout Out made me think of four things at the same time:
One: How the hell am I going to get back home, and how long will it take?
Two: I'm all alone in this world/universe/whatever this is.
Three: I'm surrounded by people who resemble and act like my soulmates, but they're not mine.
And, four: I guess we're not together in every universe after all. I know it's probably impossible, and the guys were just trying to reassure me, but it still hurts.
This is one of the worst reality checks I've ever received.
Afterward, I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't wanna eat, talk or look anyone in the eye. I just sat lazily on the couch and occasionally observed this Enha. I could sense that Heeseung, Jake, Sunghoon, and Sunoo were more cautious around me, while Jungwon, Jay, Mila, and Niki tried to attend to their "guest."
I also noticed a little something else.
I ended up spending the night, sleeping in Mila's bed while she sleeps in Kiara's since the other female member was away for two days.
Just like our schedule, theirs have a two-day break.
I overheard a few members canceling their plans because of me, which made me feel incredibly guilty.
I didn't want to stay here, but if I had left, Mila would have come with me, and that was a hard no from all the male members.
Mila hadn't left my side since my panic attack. She was doing everything she could to make me feel better, and I truly appreciated it.
That's why, when we're finally fully alone, I immediately tried to initiate a conversation.
"Are you dating any of the boys?" I asked, avoiding eye contact.
I needed to be sure. I wanted to confirm my observations.
Also, after hearing her talk with Jake, I noticed that she's fluent in English and had an Aussie accent. It seemed like she was more comfortable and fluent in English than in Korean.
"What?" from the corner of my eye, she seemed startled but relieved to hear my voice.
"All seven of them, perhaps?" I whispered.
She remained silent for a few moments before answering quietly.
"Yeah. All seven."
I let out a deep breath and nodded.
She's just like me.
"I noticed the way you look at each other," I said. They were trying not to reveal anything in front of me, but eyes don't lie.
It hurt even more knowing that this universe's Della wouldn't be with this Enha. Why would they when they have this goddess of a member?
I would've cried if I had not exhausted all my tears.
"We didn't want to tell you because we saw your photos," she said. "You're dating all of them too, aren't you?"
All I could do was nod.
"We were worried that our affection would... hurt you," well that's sweet of them.
"Thank you, I really appreciate it," I breathed out. "But I'm sure looking at those pictures on my phone pains you just as much, so you don't have to hide. I'll be fine."
It must be even more surreal for her to suddenly meet this girl in the comfort of her home, who has solid proof that she came from another dimension.
"It didn't," she said confidently, making me look up at her. "I mean... it did at first– like like– when you– I mean, when I first saw the pictures and how smitten you are," she stuttered a bit at the eye contact. "–but honestly? I'm completely okay with it," she smiled sweetly.
She's really cute.
"Because you kinda remind me of myself," her eyes sparkled. "I like to think of you as a Korean version of me."
That's an interesting way to put it.
We do resemble each other. We're both members of Enhypen. We're both dating the same people. Our names both end in 'la', and we're practically the same height. There could be a lot more too.
"That's a great take," I smiled for the first time since being here. "But how are you so sure that we're THAT similar? We barely know anything about each other."
Her eyes lit up even more (if that was even possible), and she eagerly sat beside me.
"First things first, I was also born in March 2003."
Mila and I ended up chatting until two.
Our conversation covered various topics, from discussing our favorite things to gossiping about our respective Enhas.
I absolutely adore Mila. We have so much in common, and she's incredibly cute.
I discovered that our personalities are quite different though. She has more of a bright energy.
And well... she's an extrovert with a gorgeous, friendly face.
But I think our contrasting personalities will make our bond even stronger. People like her are good for me.
At around two-fifteen, my hunger became unbearable, so I mustered the will to go to the kitchen.
I really didn't want to run into any of the boys, but Mila assured me that they should all be in their rooms playing games by now (just like my Enha), so I hoped she was right.
Especially because she's calling it a night so she can't accompany me.
Poor girl had a tiring day but still managed to stay up just to talk to me.
I decided to take Mila's suggestion and make myself some cup ramyeon to bring back to the room. That way, if I did encounter any of the members, I could quickly retreat.
"Good night, Lala. Enjoy your food," Mila yawned.
"'Night, Mimi. Sweet dreams," I replied before leaving the room.
Fortunately, the lights were out in the living room, indicating that no one is outside their rooms (unless they're in the bathroom).
I swiftly prepared my noodles and nearly succeeded in avoiding the boys, until the door to the master bedroom opened, revealing Jake followed by Jay.
They halted in their tracks upon seeing me. Jay even glanced back at the other members.
"Della-ssi," Jake exhaled. "You're not asleep?"
"I got hungry, and Mila told me to eat," I spoke my first words to them since my arrival.
"Eat up. You must be hungry," he eyed the ramyeon with a nod.
"Thank y–" I reached for the doorknob of the girls' room until Jay called out.
"Della-ssi? Do you mind coming here for a bit? You can eat the ramyeon while we're at it too," he pushed into the space Jake slightly left. "We wanna say a few things."
Shit. This is going to be awkward.
"A-ah... Okay..." I walked towards the room slowly. "안녕하세요," I greeted with a small bow.
"No need for formalities," Sunghoon said from his bed. "You can sit on my chair," he pointed.
"Thank you," I immediately took the seat, opening the lid of my ramyeon.
"You add cheese, too?" Sunoo asked, eyeing my noodles.
"Yeah, I always do," I stirred my noodles, slowly realising the 'too' in his question. "Do you also use cheese?"
"Mila does," all seven said in unison.
"Ah..." damn they also have that syncing habit. "Does she also use half of the seasoning packet?"
"No, she loves spice," Jay answered. An awkward silence followed before Jungwon broke it.
"Listen... We're sincerely sorry for being rude to you earlier. We were startled and scared that a stranger was in our home," he began. "On behalf of all seven of us, we deeply apologize."
"Oh no! Not at all! I completely understand!" I shook my hand. "I practically broke in, so it's only natural for you all to panic."
"We know, but still... we caused you to have a panic attack," Heeseung hugged his knees. "We're truly sorry."
"Don't worry about it. I completely understand, and I forgive you," I smiled softly. "I really appreciate it."
Silence hung in the air for a few moments. The only sounds coming from my slurps, Sunghoon's finger tapping, and Jake's foot bouncing.
I thought about leaving, but I wasn't sure how. Maybe I could quickly finish my food and just excuse myself.
"How is–" Riki spoke up. "What's Enhypen like in your world?"
Oh wow.
First off, he called me 'noona' and I had forgotten that they don't know about my dislike for that term.
Secondly, I had discussed this with Mila, but hearing one of the guys ask about it was a bit heart-wrenching to be honest.
The other members looked at me with anticipation.
"In my world, Enhypen is..." I took a deep breath. "Popularity wise, me and Mila concluded that we're pretty much the same. Majority, if not all of our achievements are the same," I smiled at the thought.
"I guess that's good then..." they nodded slowly.
"Relationship-wise?" My smile wavered slightly at Sunghoon's question. I took another, even deeper breath before responding.
"Our bond keeps getting stronger," I fiddled with my chopsticks. "The public doesn't know, and only a few trusted do, but we just love showing it off," I grinned. "Whether subtly or not-so-subtly."
"Do we–" Jungwon cleared his throat. "Do we treat you well?"
"What?" I chuckled.
"Come on, you can tell us! Did they treat you well? Your secret is 100% safe with us, like... who would we even tell?!" Sunoo became excited at the topic.
"Well, that's true," I giggled, then became serious again. "You– well... they treat me incredibly well. More than I deserve. I love each and every one of them deeply, and they mean the world to me. All seven of them."
"We can tell. The way you talk about them speaks volumes," Riki smiled, and I smiled back.
"I hope they realise it too," and my mood went back to being somber.
Please, I really hope I can return. I really hope that girl/witch/whatever she was told the truth and actually won't take long.
And please, let it be before the public/my parents find out. I'm not sure what the company would do but I can imagine mom crying before anything else and dad causing chaos in attempt to find me.
I wonder how the boys reacted. I'm pretty sure Heeseung would tell everyone to remain calm, but ironically be the most panicked. Sunghoon would–
"What's Jake like?" Jake interrupted my train of thought. "Am I still Australian?"
I couldn't help but laugh at his question, and it sparked curiosity in the other members about their alternate selves as well.
I noticed that they were mostly the same as my Enha, although not entirely identical. They have a few different traits, and based on what Mila told me, the way they treat their girlfriend is quite different as well.
Though what was undoubtedly clear to me was their love for Mila. They were so deeply in love with her, it's so endearing to see.
I'm so glad Mila got someone good.
Well... plural.
Yesterday was such an eventful day for me that I ended up sleeping in and didn't wake up until the commotion outside the room became too loud to ignore.
I could hear voices, but my mind struggled to process the words being said.
That was until I suddenly realised that there were way too many voices to be just eight.
Especially when some of those voices seem to be talking to themselves, like– why is Sunghoon asking and answering himself?
...
Oh!
I quickly sat up and waited for a moment before rushing out of the room.
There they are.
My seven men.
Home.
I could see them collectively sigh in relief at the sight of me.
Without a second thought, I raced to give them a massive hug.
I didn't know who I was aiming to hug first since I wasn't really thinking straight— I just wanted to be engulfed in a group hug, desperately hoping it was possible.
And it was. I found myself embracing the tallest two members, and the rest of the group wrapped their arms around us straight away. Just how we like our intimate group hugs.
Tears began to well up, and I just know that I'm gonna ugly cry any second now.
"Della," Sunoo's voice quivered, and that's when the ugly sobs started.
"Awww, Della," I felt a gentle hand caressing my hair. "Our baby."
"I- I missed y-you all so muchhh," I hiccuped. "Ho-howw did you find me?"
"We've told you so many times, Lala. No matter how lost you are, we'll always come and guide you home."
As it turns out, the girl who brought me here was Della from another dimension. She came from a world where she was extremely academically gifted and just got tired of her straining job and constant scrutiny.
So she tried to create a universe-hopping device in secret, in hopes of having just a few moments to herself where she can try living someone else's life.
My universe just so happen to be the first one she successfully jumped to. She realised the potential chaos that could arise from two Dellas existing simultaneously, and had to find and transport me quick. She said we can take at least an hour to be in one universe with our alternate selves.
With a simple touch, she transported me to a reality that was the safest route. One where a Della no longer existed.
Her device was not advanced enough to find out how or what the other universe Dellas are doing yet, so when she found out that she landed in one where the Della was an idol...
Needless to say, she didn't need much convincing to bring me back ASAP.
What took a little longer was just her going back and tuning her failed attempts to be just like her current one, just so the boys can come fetch me.
Apparently they paid her a ton (IN US DOLLARS.), even though they were only borrowing and this whole grand gesture was totally not necessary.
I love them so fucking much. How can you fucking not?
Either they love me so much or they just wanna universe-hop. But I like to be a bit delusional.
"Thank you so much for everythingg!" I hugged Mila tightly. "I'm so sorry for this mess and for the has–"
"Aish– don't even mention it," Mila hugged me tighter. "I'm sorry you were transported but I'm so glad you landed here."
"I'm so glad to have met youu," I nuzzled her hair. "I wish we could see each other again after this."
"I hope so too! Oh my God– this will be our first and last time meeting!" I could feel Mila mirroring my nuzzle on my shoulder. "This is so sad! We can't even exchange contacts!"
"Take care of yourself, okay? And work hard so Enhypen can achieve more," I rubbed her back. "Good luck with your men too. I hope everything goes well."
"You too! You too! Let's both work hard so when we do see each other again, we'll be equally proud!" we pulled away from each other. "Do you wanna hug the guys? Like.. my guys?"
Uhh....
"I would buuut..." I turned my gaze to the scene behind Mila, prompting her to look in the same direction.
We learned that my Enha is the slightest bit more intimidating. It's not apparent in the stories we told each other (especially Mila's jealousy and teasing episodes– dear God, my Enha feels like primary school) but with Mila's Enha constantly fidgeting under my Enha's glares, I feel like the latter is just the tiniest bit more intimidating.
"Oh my God– what happened?" Mila giggled quietly at me.
"They're jealous because your men are basically them but in another dimension so they don't want no chances of... you know..." my English suddenly stopped working.
"Ahh– ahh!" thankfully Mila fully understood my point. "Am I just invisible to them? Like my guys' girlfriend is right here!"
"Don't worry about it though, they're just being cute," I smiled, making my way over to them. "Thank you for having me in your home, and I'm sorry for intruding. I hope you have a great rest-of-your-day-off," I said to Mila's Enha while wrapping my arms around my Jungwon.
"Don't mention it. Thank you for being friends with Mila. She looks really happy," Mila's Sunghoon spoke in behalf. "We hope you can meet each other again one day."
"Hopefully," I smiled wider at the sight of Mila hugging her Jungwon. "I'll see you guys around, too."
"We'll look forward to it," they all gave a polite smile, causing Mila to gasp and slap the second nearest one (Riki)'s shoulder.
"What do you mean you'll look forward to meeting her again?!" she playfully pouted. "I'm right here!"
"Sorry my love– we were just saying go–" the cute little exchange was interrupted by SmartDella reminding us of the time. "Well– we hope to see you one day– YOU ALL one day."
"Likewise," my Jungwon squeezed my shoulder before looking at me. "Ready to go home, Lala?"
"Of course I am."
this last scene might be a bit rushed but oh welllll
plus i couldn’t focus on any of my assignments until THIS WAS FINISHED SO NOW i will sleep
taglist! @afiaaaa19 @riikiblr @one16core @i90snoo @danyxthirstae01 @seulgifted @clar-iii @hiqhkey @nichmeddar @jiwlys @duolingofanaccount @nvmbheart @3amstarlight [@studioreader @sarang-wonie @fairydosii @hoonstrology @jaetint @4sahii @8-itsmee-8 @toriluvsfics]
#kang della#8th member of enhypen#enhypen 8th member#enhypen ff#enhypen reactions#enhypen scenarios#enhypen x oc#enhypen added member#enhypen eigth member#enhypen female addition#enhypen female member#enhypen oc#kpop added member#kpop oc#enhypen female oc#enhypen imagines#enhypen poly fic#enhypen poly
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supernatural s14e7 unhuman nature (w. eugenie ross-leming, brad buckner)
finally getting back to nick bashing someone's skull in i gather
sam the only one that apparently knows how to interact with a healthcare establishment. are they going to try to make me cry? because i really don't want to deal with that today
thought this diner looked familiar and like something in x-files, well. this super cool site has shows and episodes with pictures from things that filmed there! the magicians, the x-files and i, robot - relevant to my viewing history. need to get spn listed in there too. and i got to that info because the wiki has the also super cool maps with locations for every episode
SAM
I mean, this place, we tried, but they've never seen anything like Jack, and we can't exactly tell them what he is.
DEAN
Then let's get him out of here. Let's bring him home. Let's do what we do. Let's find a way. Hell, I was even thinkin' maybe Rowena…
SAM
Already called her.
sammy's on the ball. there's always one parent who's best at dealing with the medical stuff
SAM
Somebody is sick, all right, but… Listen, I-I don't know how well you got to know our friend Jack with everything that was going on when you were here, but we've sort of been taking care of him, and, uh, he's, um… Lucifer's son.
ROWENA
Goodbye.
SAM
No, no, no. Stop, stop. He's a great kid. His mother was a fantastic human being, a-a-and he wanted nothing to do with Lucifer, w-who is dead, as you know.
ROWENA
I hope he's rotting.
i'm not on board with her characterization flip flop but i can appreciate this dynamic she has with sam now
ROWENA
It's as I suspected. A Nephilim, for all its power, is an unnatural presence. Part human, part angel… It -- It doesn't quite fit. It's delicate. Its grace is what holds it in balance, and when Jack's grace was taken from him, his being fell into chaos. The -- The cells are gobbling each other up.
reminds me of what i mentioned in recap of 12x19
if the kid is half grace wouldn’t you end up with a half a kid :p
variation on the theme. supernatural or mental illness: panic attack edition
i thought i was gonna get through this without it pushing on my dead parents buttons but no such luck. i've been on the receiving end of that conversation with a doctor that their bodies are shutting down. and all told that was 28 and 12 years ago respectively but it can still reduce me to a sobbing wreck pretty damned fast with the right prompts.
being a good dad with this driving lesson. i am not looking forward to those days, it's gonna stress me the fuck out and you gotta play it cool so you don't stress them the fuck out. double whammy
SAM
Yo, Cass, wait. Are you sure you wanna handle this alone?
CASS
I, uh… I feel the need to do something. And I think Dean's right. We can't afford to overlook any possibility. He seems to be taking this particularly hard.
SAM
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he -- he, uh, was pretty rough on Jack at the beginning, and...I don't think he's forgotten. And I know he hasn't forgiven himself. You know, he's lost people, we've all lost people, but, um…
CASS
This feels different. Losing, um...a son...feels different.
like sam can't even look at him after that. almost want sam to go with him just so that neither one is alone.
i'm reminded of 11x23 where they pushed hard on this dean going to sacrifice himself and saying goodbye at their parents graves and all and. how i knew, we knew, this was going to be walked back. that he wasn't actually dying. now i don't know how long alexander calvert is in the show, how many more episodes, etc. but i do have a very vague idea of where jack is at the end of the series. and i don't want them to kill him off and not have his actor back, but i also really don't want an episode that's making me break down sobbing when it's gonna be magically fixed at the last minute or whatever either. i'm trying to just push through the episode so i don't drag this out another day. not to mention i'm sure i'm going to have a fucking awful headache tomorrow
JACK
You once told me you and your father did the exact same thing. It was your happiest memory of him.
DEAN
I didn't say that.
JACK
It was how you said it. I could tell. I guess my point is that… if I don't make it… The stuff I'd miss -- it wouldn't be things like Tahiti. Or the Taj Mahal. I'd miss more time with you. I'm getting that life isn't all these big, amazing moments. It's time together that matters. Like this.
DEAN
Well, who'd have thought hanging out with me would make you sentimental?
JACK
I've had a good life, Dean.
dean deflecting, per usual. but yeah. full-on "you're gonna cry" mode.
look at that. rando man we've never heard of happens to have some of gabriel's grace and a special spell. sure. at least it didn't work, i guess. not going for that cheap of an out
s14e7 / terminator 2: judgement day
pellegrino always delivers but i am so tired of lucifer. the effects were pretty okay until they decided to do this lucifer-empty!terminator skull situation. they gonna end up getting jack-via-lucifer's grace back this way?
#supernatural#spnwatch#spn 14x07#spnwhinge#i guess#spnsob more like it#eugenie ross leming#brad buckner
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It was around 11 pm when you had finally finished doing your hair with the help of Jack. He had seen you earlier starting to take out your knotless braids and asked how he could help the process go by faster. If he don’t help take down my hair, I DONT WANT HIM 🥹
Jack had then slipped your bonnet over top of your braids and the two of you were now laying down in a comfortable silence until you broke it. He helped TAKE IT DOWN, WASH & CONDITION ANDDDDD PUT HER BONNET ON FOR HER. WHEN THE FAWK IS IT MY TURNNNN 😭
"Shiiiit." Jack knew that your hair was probably sore and as bad as he wanted to grab it to pull you closer to him, he decided not to. He’s so coinciderete 🤭🫶🏽
"I am knee deep in my girl's pussy so why the fuck do our phones keep going off when I'm trying to make her cum?! Somebody better be dying with the amount of times you called us." I FORGOT ABT THIS 😭 imagine if it was his mom!! I know he ain’t check caller ID
"Jack, they found out she used to be an exotic dancer and they are tearing her to shreds. I wanted to warn the two of you before either of you saw it. Tell her to call Allison when she gets a chance." I CANNOT FUCKING STAND PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA!! Why the fuck it y’all business what she used to do? 🤨
"Nothing can break you or us. We've made it this far, right?" HES just so ughhhh 🥹
theshaderoom: Our beloved first black principal dancer of The American Ballet Theater, Y/N Y/L/N Harlow apparently used to be an exotic dancer at Blue Flame in Atlanta before getting her big break! Flip through for more pictures and the post by one of her former co-workers who used to dance with her! The shaderoom is so fucking messy!! MIND YO DAMN FUCKING BUSINESS 🖕🏽
balletislife: this is absolutely disgusting and makes the entire ballet world look like a joke. no one with that type of past should ever be in a position such at the principal dancer I’m sorry, what uh- WHO. THE. FUCK. ARE. YOU?? Bitch bye. Go get a fucking life.
msmelanie: just reminiscing about old times at Blue Flame. still remember how it took us days to practice this and get it right and how no matter how much we tried to give up, Y/N wouldn't let us. and that's probably why she's principal dancer now. so so incredibly proud of her and I knew from the beginning that she was going to make something of herself. it was always me, her, and Alyssa against the world when we stepped through those doors. she went to Julliard, got married to her celebrity crush and is now one of the most sought out dancers in the world. still can't get over it! I miss dancing with all my girls! This whole thing just sounds condescending as fuck! Even is she don’t mean any harm by it. Like bitch why would u put this on social media, if you really missed her why not try & reach out?! You knew what u were doin wit yo hatin ass 😐
Mom- I raised you better than that I- are you serious?? SHE TOOK OF YALL, nearly sacrificed her dream for you & that what u wanna say 🤨 besides IT WAS IN THE PAST, ITS BEEN DONE & OVER WITH, get over it 🙄 also SHES A GROWN ASS WOMAN)
"So, Jack tell me. Is the rumor going around about your wife Y/N true?" IS THIS BITCH FR?? Who tf do they think they are?? Askin outta pocket shit like that. This interview is abt JACK NOT YN! Dipshit
"Your last name is Harlow and I'm going to need for you to act like it. We only have winners in this family and that isn't changing any time soon. Now, you ready to go?" AHHHHH I LOVE THIS MAN WIT MY WHOLE HEART & COOCHIE 🤭
(PART TWO COMING 🙈)
AHHHHHH this was everything and I LIVE for your reactions lol
And yessss gimme a man like this. When is it my turn!?!?
The way he goes hard for her and protects her is top tier 🥺
Yeah and her momma was wrong. Dead wrong. But we shall see how this plays out.
Remember when she was little she was a daddy's girl and not really close to her mom. She really did it for her brothers. It's not that the two of them didn't get along. The relationship was just different.
And whew that interview was outta pocket.
Jack was like
You better not disrespect her in front of him 😤
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The Persona au gets a bit more tragic as everyone is just some guy and as such everyone is just living their own lives and trying to get by. They aren't soldiers they're just people.
*points to the fire when Hikari was 13* I'm already thinking that fucked over so many people's mental health because everyone was so young at the time. And if we're following canon then Jin Mei died shortly after, either through a Mental Shutdown or in my head, simply prioritizing Hikari's life over his after he watches what he inadvertently set up spiral out of control and tries to atone through saving Hikari. So we have Kura dying, Hikari blacking out for the first time and learning that he may have caused a fire, and Jin Mei dying shortly afterwards
Already that goes and just traumatizes so many of the characters in one way or another. I can already see Hikari and Rai Mei, and to a minor extent Kazan and Ritsu having aversion to fire. Or at the very least have them constantly check buildings for working fire escapes and fire extinguishers. And already I can see Rai Mei having heavy guilt over not being to save her brother even if she couldn't do anything at the time.
(Hikari: Hey quick question does this building have-
Kazan: I checked 7 times. It has fire extinguishers and a working sprinkler system and I made sure the owner will have the systems checked again by the end of the month.)
Partitio went through poverty and that sucks. That really sucks and it's likely due to his Pop's business closing down and. You can't really fix that well in the real world. You can't beat up your landlord to get them to give you back the money. You just have to deal with it and move to a city and hope that you'll do better there. And hope that you don't sink further into poverty because- You can't afford health insurance at the moment. And it sucks.
Throné is coming out of a gang and she doesn't know what to do with herself. She cut off all ties but that cut off so much of her support system. She doesn't know what to do with herself and she's trying to figure it out but it's hard because she was used to doing what Mother and Father told her to do and she misses her siblings but knows that it will be so much worse if she goes back. She has to stand up on her own now, even if she doesn't know what that means.
Everyone and everything feels so much worse because they're so painfully normal. We take away the Persona elements and we realize that a lot of this is people trying to make their way through life and either having a support system or not.
When cold hard reality hits and the sadness comes with it. They are all in tight situations and even the modern day setting has an impact on that (Partitio being unable to afford health insurance). He can't fistfight a train outside the Metaverse. Partitio is known for his positivity and him striving to save poverty but I can definitely see him getting scammed a lot. He's too selfless, somehow. A huge contrast to everyone else on the team.
I love that exchange between Hikari and Kazan. Kazan acting as a caretaker to him in a way. We've definitely established that before but I'm a sucker for the dynamic they have. The only one who knows about his trauma initially and he is just trying to keep him sane (for his own reasons, but Hikari still finds comfort in it while he is unaware).
Jin Mei sacrificing himself for Hikari both traumatizes him and destroys a part of him. He'd rather put himself in danger and having at happen at 13 messes him up. Rai Mei probably still blames him here and he struggles to keep connections with his friends who he is basically living for. Ritsu's betrayal follows...
There are much bigger threats out there but I wonder if Rai Mei later in the story could become a confidant. He talks his way to get to her in the game but I could imagine her having an entire palace built on fear. Maybe Hikari tries to get to her early on when he's new to learning his powers and may give up realizing she isn't the biggest threat here. Throné may snap him out of it saying that they don't need her help and she realizes that this guy is clinging to his past too much. She only has little information but she has definitely overheard some of Kazan's conversations with Hikari and has done some digging herself. She's an ex Blacksnake after all.
Throné basically leaving her gang like an abusive family hits hard. Also fuck "She has to stand up on her own now, even if she doesn't know what that means" hits hard. No support system, she's just trying to (start, maybe) an 'honest' life that she doesn't understand, with all her ties cut off. After landing one job she realizes why she was a Blacksnake and wants to whip out her knife already.
I can see her getting into confrontations because of this. Luckily she is good at keeping out of the eyes of the law but she is struggling and probably resorts back to stealing. Hikari would never do anything about that other than make a few comments because they're in it together, but he's just stuck wishing their lives were happier.
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Yellowjackets S2 E9
Holly shit the song is different.
The procession gave me goosebumps
The recap kind of implied that Misty's going down for murder which I'm not exactly happy with but would prison be any worse than whatever everybody else is headed for?
I can't believe Shauna is the one going along with this
Ok, nevermind. She's just bullshitting.
They gotta leg it. Please tell me Van is not gonna go along with Lottie's thing.
"we all moved on" even you didn't believe that Taissa
Lottie is doing remotely better.
"we're gonna eat Javi, but it's cool, we didn't kill him" 🤣 Misty, never change.
Misty's got several points. Lottie did start it. Or at least she let it go on and maybe relished in it a little. I'm guessing now she realises how heavy the crown is she'll want it gone. And there's hints of Nat wanting it. It's ceremonial though cause Van and Misty hold the real power. The crown may lead but they're the ones that choose to follow.
You don't need to bump into Shauna, Travis, it's not like she wants to do this
The way they have to dust their equipment because it's been so long since they had something to eat.
Everybody sort of awkwardly hanging around. Van moving Javi's head so Shauna doesn't have to look him in the face. Then cutting blind? Oof.
Poor little Javi. We barely saw him but he was just a little guy from what we did see.
Misty sneaking around on her own. These guys would have made the perfect dungeons and dragons party. They could have had an awesome podcast/YouTube channel.
Oh crap, tell me Van's not buying into Lottie's thing. It's sweet that she wants to help Lottie but I think she's beyond helping, and she has been for a long time. The problem is that Van and Lottie are looking for some sort of purpose and they're looking to the old ways for fulfilment because they just can't cope with everything having been for nothing, whereas Tai has tried to make her own meaning by ignoring the past and it's all just jumbled and nobody is 100% right but hunting one another is definitely wrong.
That's twice we've seen Nat with a Queen card in as many episodes so the symbols are definitely symbolising something here.
Where the fuck are Callie and Jeff going? Are they gonna pick Shauna up?
Callie is so impressed by her mom 🤣
Jeff left the gun in the car, didn't he?
Nat trying to save this girl feels like Shauna trying to save Javi or Javi trying to save Nat and I'm positive one if then is dying tonight.
Well I guess that's another piece of the puzzle squared into place. Nat and Travis's self loathing and guilt stem from Javi's death.
Van could sell ice to an Eskimo. You'd be a fool to think her financial troubles ever stemmed from lack of sales skills. Jeff could learn a lesson or ten from her.
Honestly though I'm proud of her for not feeling shame. That's literally life or death, you can't afford to add self loathing onto that. And Nat is the perfect example of that. She spent the rest of her life letting the guilt eat away at her. They all did in some way but Nat gave her ghosts so much power they choked the life out of her.
Anyway this Walter guy always seemed like he's too good a match for Misty and that's why I don't trust him. It almost seems like he's imitating her and he feels very performative and not at all genuine. He comes across as someone who steals personalities and seems maybe a bit psychopathic on his own. He's giving Hannibal, just a tad...or some trained assassin. Either way it spells trouble and I think he's using Misty.
He really wants to be the Watson to Kevin's Sherlock.
If they're gonna warn Shauna and actually be helpful maybe I'm a little glad Callie and Jeff are here. But knowing them, they'll probably screw things up worse.
Oh he poisoned Kevyn.
What the fuck does this guy want is the question then. Cause on the one hand he's obsessed with Misty and on the other he keeps making shit worse for her. Is he into her or trying to capture her? Either way he's shady af.
Props to Jeff for trying to save Shauna though. Like he may be terrible and terrible with her, but he really does fucking love her.
It'd be funny if Jeff was short for Jefferson and not Jeffrey.
Ben went from doing literally nothing to thinking he could start a fire on his own.
I started watching this episode some days ago and for a moment I forgot whose body they're chopping up.
They're just raw-dogging that shit? 👁️👄👁️
Nevermind, he started cooking it.
For a moment though...
I don't know why eating raw meat freaked me out more than the cannibalism.
Lottie's pity party is lowkey pissing me off.
Nobody gives Misty enough credit.
Like we, collectively owe her so much.
Lottie Nat stans are sleeping on Lottie Misty
Misty helped Lottie piss blood. Can you say the same for Nat?
Didn't think so.
If it wasn't for the captions I would have thought that song claimed that god is a foot.
Taissa nodding on the phone 🤣
But then again someone WAS watching her (Van, like a hawk)
That song is very Lottie btw. It feels very Lottie.
And I guess Van won over. Though there's really no doubt she would, Taissa is still completely whipped by her. Van really is the little instigator setting things aflame.
Did I rewatch this tiny segment like three times because of the way Van is looking up at Taissa? Yes. Her little half smile there 🫠
How are these 40 year old women so baby?
Nat and Misty wearing purple but Van not is so wild. Symbolic, probably too. But funny Van is not wearing it when she's by far sucked in the deepest, while Nat -always sceptical- and Misty -way too much of an opportunist to ever really commit to one thing- were the ones wearing the indoctrination colours there.
I guess it says more about Van hiding her true colours than anything else. She hid her sexuality even in the woods for example, until Taissa was comfortable with coming out. So maybe it's like she doesn't feel confident enough to show that vulnerability by wearing those colours. She HAS been avoiding talking about her illness too. It could be her avoidant personality too. Not just hiding but avoiding it all together.
Oop, there's a knife. And there's emphasis on the knife so somebody is probably gonna get stabbed.
Lottie looks more like an addict than Nat does right now.
But she's been looking more and more unhinged since the gals came.
Callie took the gun?!
I hope somebody shoots this asshole cop tbqh.
Team dad ftw.
Is that the same deck they used back then or just a different tarnished deck that is possibly missing three queens?
Also if nobody gets the queen do they just keep going until somebody gets it or is the hunt called off?
Shauna take the queen out of the deck, I beg you. Please tell me she trained as a wizard at some point and can do card tricks and shit.
Taissa really thought she could delay or stop this. Has she not been paying attention? At all? Van is essentially the big bad right now, not Lottie. I still love her and she's still my daughter but let's be real, she's the one pulling the strings.
Maybe Van wants to die. Like maybe this is her way of claiming back her power. Like she doesn't want a disease to stop her, she wants to be in control of when she dies. Maybe that's why she's so reckless and why she's doing all this. Maybe she wants to get that card. Istfg she better not though.
Her card didn't burn either. The symbolism is symbolic today, fellas.
What DOES happen if you refuse the draw? Do you die or get abandoned like Ben? Or are you the default prey?
Tai looked like her dark self for a moment. Is this a sign she'd merged the two?
Also I didn't miss Van almost passing out with relief when Tai drew a card that was not the queen.
Closer to the fire but her card didn't catch fire either.
Also there's gay sex and then there's Tai and Van's eye contact in this scene and of the two, the latter is more titillating.
Weird that they didn't show where Misty's card landed.
Why do I have a feeling Nat is gonna get the queen?
Oh, phew, nevermind.
They keep going?
From the looks on their faces, it's not the usual way they do things.
Shauna got the queen
Fuck fuck fuck
With all the parallels to the first hunt, is someone gonna die in her stead too?
Oh they all did arts and crafts too.
At least Shauna is showing some self awareness.
Oh, Lottie figured it out too, she just didn't care.
At least we know where we stand now. They're all fucked up and they're all self aware and they all should be hospitalised somewhere. Like at first I thought they were just in denial but nah, they know. I guess that's why Taissas's fractured self merged with her again. Because she stopped fighting it.
Great, the cops are coming now.
Thanks a lot, asshole.
I wonder if the guy with the rapey moustache will go along with it. He seems to lack moral fibre enough to be willing but you never know. He might be dumb enough to try something.
Callie really came through?!
One minute they're going along all wild eyed and intimidating and the next they're acting same and I'm just lost at this point.
Also I think Gen is pit-girl. I rewatched the scene again and it seems more like her than Mari.
Van was their television 🥺 oh this is all clicking together.
She was a really good storyteller too. She should have been a writer. Maybe she would have been one too...
Lottie shut up, I wanna hear Van's story.
Also tell me that dickhead coach isn't gonna do something stupid.
"it chose me" girl there's no 'it', Van chose you. And it was only because she attributed being alive to some unknown force rather than just insanely weird luck.
"I can't hear it anymore" Shauna punched the wilderness out of her. She punched her so hard she lost her sixth sense.
I wonder if for a moment, Misty thought Lottie meant it was her that the wilderness chose, since she was the one that saved Nat and condemned Javi.
Is it possible then that Shauna was chosen as their leader in the future and not their prey?
Shauna's looking around like she still thinks this is stupid but maybe Nat leading them won't be as bad so maybe that's what brings them together; mutual dislike of Lottie's rule.
Yeah I'm not so sure they bought into it, Lot. Van definitely seemed to. Hell, she convinced Tai not to have her committed so she must still believe on some level. The others not so much. Especially not Nat, who's been so desperate to distance herself she turned to drug and alcohol abuse.
Lottie's daughter brought a bigger gun than Shauna's did 👁️👄👁️
"How else do we explain what happened out there?" You guys are just allergic to accountability, huh?
"We tried to kill you and it wouldn't let us"
Bitches will invent deities to avoid giving Misty any credit.
Javi too I suppose but it was really Misty's call in the end there.
Ben is looking a lil homophobic there.
Bro is just pissed he's not invited to the orgy.
Van will either be the first or last to bow down to Nat.
Akilah's cute little bounce. Mari's regal bow. The other blonde (I wanna say Melissa but I don't rightly know for sure) taking her hat off. Where have I seen that before?
Oh god, my little MistyNat heart is about to explode 🥹 that was the cutest thing I've ever fucking seen! Misty is Nat's little knight in shining armour, I can't deal with this. Somebody MUST have ficced this!
She actually made Nat laugh! In all this...
Van curling up like a cat against her hand.
Taissaaaaaa!!!!!
And Travis was there as well I guess.
Bro just made her sadder though, fuck him.
Shauna acknowledging Nat as her leader too though was what really tipped her over the edge. Like fuck this is for real now. I can't imagine the pressure she must be feeling.
This was honestly pretty sweet.
I couldn't imagine having a moment this bittersweet in the the midst of all this.
MISTY WAS READY THE WHOLE TIME, I CAN'T 🤣
She did NOt hesitate with that needle to save Nat!
Nat was not gonna let anybody else die in her place 😮
No no no no no
Tell me that was just a tranquilizer
This is a joke, right?
She may have got her with the needle but she didn't push it in, right?
The fact that in her death dream she's in an airplane?! Alone?! Is torture
Javi was there
And so was Nat! And Lottie providing her support. I guess it really helped her in the end.
Fuck that got to me
They really have brilliant death scenes.
I had to stop for a while because I was in physical pain from the crying
Every thing was a blur. Lottie is getting help though, maybe. Walter might not be complete trash. Shauna really doesn't have a single maternal bone in her body. Like instead of comforting her child she's being comforted by Jeff.
Taissa was walking in front of Van. I sense conflict there. Maybe deep down she blames her for what she's done when she's around her. It was almost like he was walking away from her or trying to put some distance between them. She did say they would visit Lottie and perhaps she meant the group but perhaps she meant the two of them.
I don't expect their relationship to have been fixed. I certainly didn't think they'd magically get over past resentment offscreen but they only have a very limited amount of time and I am terrified of what's going to happen next season between them.
Misty breaking down that she killed her best friend though absolutely destroyed me. I'm just absolutely broken right now. I can't imagine how it could possibly get worse, though I'm afraid it will. There's way too much time left in the episode for shit to not hit the fan at least one more time.
Meanwhile past Shauna is just casually blogging about their most recent murder on her diaries. Well, she's writing about Jackie really. How Jeff read these and didn't realise she was in love with her is beyond me. Or maybe he did and he considered staying with her his repentance for his role in all of this.
It seems like she's maybe hitting some breakthrough when she notices something's amiss. And there's fire and stuff and I'm guessing Ben put those matches to use on the cabin.
I'm glad I never rooted for his ass.
That's homophobic.
Can't let the lesbian cannibals have anything!
Misty should have let him jump tbh
I wanna know how the diaries survived. Are you telling me in an emergency, the first thing Shauna grabbed was her diaries? Because that's valid actually. When my house caught fire I just grabbed a pair of socks...
Did that asshole lock them in or is the door hinge/knob melted?
Van really said "move" like she's immune to fire, and just tried to kick the goddamn door down?
At least Tai has some working brain cells right now. Honestly trust Tai to save your life with the closest blunt instrument she can find.
Thank god they saved the piss bucket. I was really worried about that. But fr I appreciate them showing they saved this and this and that.
Van is no longer flirting with death at this point, she's pushed her up against the wall and started tongue-fucking her because what do you mean she was the last out the door, as the house was caving in? She really fucking thinks she's immortal stg.
Who was the one who let their blanket catch fire though? That was kind of funny. Like the whole thing is on fire and you thought it was a good idea to lean up against a post? Like the wooden outside of the house that was on fire couldn't possibly be alight.
Anyway, fuck, the next season is gonna be hard.
They just lost the one shelter they had. In the middle? Of winter? And if the meat shack is attached to it then all their food is also gone as well and they're gonna be hunting sooner rather than later.
Fuck Ben, I hope he's next up on the chopping block.
Anyway I know the other girls are irrelevant but this shit kind of implied that only nine of them made it out alive. I'm sure the rest are just not in the shot, right? A good chunk of them did not just perish, right?
Fuck they look distraught. I mean who can blame them but Van's actress is eating that up.
I had some questions but I forgot them.
The music is fire. Pun not intended.
Fuck.
What a hell of an ending.
#yellowjackets#thoughts#speculation#my babies#mine#idek what to tag this#this was so tough to watch#im extremely overstimulated#i need to nap or something and work this into my oermanent memory
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Vogel und Jäger
Summary: You accidentally witness a murder, but the murderer takes pity on you.
Pairing: Zeke Jaeger x Fem!Reader (mafia AU)
Warnings & Content: murder, language, angst
Word Count: 1.7 k
A/N: i've been dying for a mafia au with zeke so here's part one of the series Vogel und Jäger. i have two more chapters drafted, and i'll try to post for this series weekly so i can write some moooore for it.
Bang!
The blood-curling sound was familiar to your ears. A gunshot — followed by the gurgling of a man.
Bang!
Another shot and the gurgling stopped. Panic settled in your heart, making you jump back and knock the metallic bin which served as a shield against the perpetrators.
Shit.
Footsteps drew closer and you began to pray. Running was futile. Running was always futile. Your throat was dry, your mascara was smeared all over your cheeks from all the tears, lips chapped and bleeding.
Our Father, who art in Heaven...
The cold muzzle of the gun pressed onto your forehead and you shivered, breath hitching, eyes glued to the wet pavement.
Hollowed be thy name...
The Mafia never spared any witnesses, you knew that all too well, even if you happened to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time.
Thy Kingdom come...
"Hey, boss, we got a girl."
"Kill her."
"No, please!" You threw yourself at the feet and mercy of the armed man. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! Please, I'm only nineteen!" Through the sobs, your voice was still melodious, syrupy. So sweet that the boss stopped in his tracks.
Thy will be done...
Another pair of footsteps approached, tentatively, not as eager as the first person. You still haven't looked up, too scared to even blink, to even breathe.
On earth, as it is in Heaven...
"Hand me the gun, Yelena."
"As you wish, boss."
You felt someone crouch down next to you, someone dressed in expensive clothing, by the look of the trousers and polished shoes.
Give us this day our daily bread...
"You've got a very pretty voice." He lifted your chin up with the barrel of the gun, chills running down your spine.
"T-thank y-you..."
"Can you sing, little bird?"
"Y-yes."
And forgive us our trespasses...
Finally, you looked at the perpetrator — spellbinding grey eyes, platinum blonde hair slicked back and a matching goatee. His gaze was either boring or pitiful.
"Lucky you, we're hiring."
As we forgive those who trespass against us...
Anxiety coiled in your stomach, words caught up in your throat. You were still praying, unaware if this was all a sadistic joke or a miracle.
And lead us not into temptation...
Dark lashes fluttered, more tears streaming down your beautiful face as the gears in your head turned in a desperate attempt to understand what was happening.
But deliver us from evil...
"Hiring?" Your voice went up an octave when you saw the small stag pinned to the man's chest. The Jaeger family — the most feared mafia family in Paradis City.
For thine is the kingdom...
"A pretty voice like yours shouldn't go to waste." He got up and offered you his hand.
And the power, and the glory...
Reluctantly, you took it, helping yourself up and chewing your lower lip.
For ever and ever...
"T-thank you!" You told him, slender fingers squeezing his hand tightly. "I owe you m-my life."
Amen.
"Correct. Your life, your soul, your eyes and ears." He walked you to a car and opened the door for you. "Yelena, take us to the club. We've got business to discuss with my little brother."
•°.•°.•°.•°
Your eyes wandered all over the soundproof office, situated one floor above and opposite the stage. Every inch of the bar, the seating areas, everything was visible from that room. You tapped a finger on the wide window, eyes narrowed at the idea that it might, in fact, be bulletproof. These men were not playing, and you were now their property. The door opened and you jolted at the sound of music filling the office as your saviour walked in with two other people.
"This is my younger brother, Eren. You already know Yelena. I assume you know my name."
You nodded.
"Zeke Jaeger."
"Good girl." Zeke was pleased with your answer as he poured himself a glass of bourbon.
"I thought we didn't spare any witnesses." Eren shot you a look that made you regret being alive.
"Settle down, little brother. Tell us your name."
"Y/N, sir. Y/N Y/L/N." You swallowed, fingers fiddling with the hem of your blouse in an attempt to calm your nerves.
"You see, Eren, Y/N can sing." Zeke opened a drawer and pulled a gun out. More guns, more panic. Your eyes widened and your plump lips quivered when he aimed the gun at you with one hand, glass of alcohol in the other. "Sing or I paint the walls with your brains."
Your legs almost gave in at the threat — you knew it wasn't an empty one, and with all the courage you could muster, you closed your eyes and sang the first song that came to your mind, fucking Kiss from a Rose.
Your voice seemed to coat the people with honey, all three of them somewhat relaxing at the sweet sounds coming from your vocal cords.
"See, I told you she can sing." Zeke put the gun back in the drawer and closed it, swirling the bourbon in his glass before finishing it.
"Where do you live?" Eren crossed his arms, still suspicious of you.
"Historia's." You told him, eyes drifting to the ugly fur rug on the floor.
"The orphanage?"
"Yes."
"But you said you're nineteen." Zeke intervened, a brow quirked at you.
"I am. I try to help as much as possible in exchange for a bed and a roof over my head." You explained, eyeing the white couch that looked so incredibly comfortable.
"Just sit down already." Eren scoffed and you rushed to the furniture, mumbling thank you’s over and over.
"And why were you on that street tonight?" Yelena spoke for the first time since you came to the club. You looked at her and she seemed just as suspicious about you as Eren.
"I... the man you k-killed... he was... I'm-"
"A prostitute." Zeke nonchalantly interrupted you.
It was true. People like you, orphans, didn't have the privilege of being properly educated and finding well-paid jobs. Paradis was a jungle, and you did everything you could to survive. Everything.
"Well on the bright side you don't have to do that anymore." Zeke shrugged as he sunk deeper in his chair, feet on the desk, but you sensed he wasn't entirely honest. "You do have a beautiful voice, and our last girl had some... business to attend to, so you'll be taking her place."
"Is this why you called me here?" Eren sighed, leg impatiently shaking.
"Don't be stupid, of course not. I need Armin to prepare this month's tax reports and I need you to keep an eye on the police. They're sticking their nose in our business again, and I want them out of it. You two can go. Y/N, you stay." Zeke waved his hand and Eren and Yelena left, music briefly filling the office again.
You twiddled with the cushion in your lap, waiting for your new boss to say something. Being in that room was nerve-wracking, and you felt the air grow thick. Eventually Zeke took off his glasses, fingers rubbing the bridge of his nose as he sighed.
"Sir?" You dared, voice feeble and frail.
"What?" He clicked his tongue and you instantly regretted speaking.
"Sir, I'm not educated, but I've been on the streets long enough to know that every man or woman has a purpose..." You placed the cushion back. "...and a price. What's my purpose? I doubt it's only to sing."
Zeke nodded, fingers tracing the wooden desk.
"You're right, it isn't just to sing. It's to distract."
"Distract who? And from what?"
"You're asking an awful lot of questions for someone who's just witnessed a murder. You best not go to the police." He narrowed his eyes, piercing your soul. You sighed and walked to the desk, taking a seat opposite Zeke.
"It's not... my first murder." You confessed to him.
"Oh? My dear, you're full of surprises. Pray, tell. Drink?"
"Yes please." You answered, throat dry as a desert. "I can't go to the police. And even if I could, I wouldn't." The drink earned a disgusted look from you, but it was better than nothing. "Two years ago, I ended someone's life. He deserved it, he broke into Miss Historia's orphanage and tried to... to..."
"I understand." Zeke stopped you. "And if you go to the police, they'd do a background check on you." He continued, satisfied that he had a leverage in case you decided to turn against him.
"Exactly. And Historia helped me so much, I wouldn't want to put her in danger. So, I'm asking again, distract who from what?"
Zeke walked to the window, telling you to follow him. He pointed at two men, a tall blond one, and a short brunette one.
"See those two? They're policemen. They work for us, but we suspect they're double agents." He explained before pointing at three other men. "Those we suspect of being Marleyan mobsters. You see, Y/N, we have a lot of enemies. And we must keep our guard up every second of our lives."
You nodded, perfectly understanding Zeke's words. Paradis was a chess board and only the filthy rich played — the rest of you were pawns.
"Sir, you spared my life, and I know I can't ask for anything in return. But please, please don't drag Miss Historia into this. The children there did nothing wrong." Tears pooled at your eyes, rolling down your cheeks and you wiped them with the back of your hand. "I swear my loyalty to you."
"For someone uneducated, you're extremely clever." Zeke's voice was serious. You half-smiled at the compliment, but you knew the mess you got yourself into cut your lifespan severely. "Can you shoot?"
"No, sir."
"It's alright, Mikasa will teach you. Sleep on the couch tonight, I'll have Yelena bring you a blanket. Tomorrow you'll swear an oath in front of the family. And if you want to protect Historia, you'll move out of the orphanage."
You nodded. You understood that mingling with the mafia endangered everyone you loved, but you couldn't stop yourself from crying the entire night. Historia was but a few months older than you, yet she gladly took you in when she invested in that orphanage. Now you had to leave everything behind for her safety — and yours.
#zeke jaeger#zeke jaeger x reader#zeke jaeger x you#zeke jaeger x y/n#zeke yeager#zeke yeager x reader#zeke yeager x you#zeke yeager x y/n#aot#aot x reader#aot x you#aot x y/n#snk#snk x reader#snk x you#snk x y/n#attack on titan#attack on titan fanfiction#shingeki no kyoujin#shingeki no kyoujin fanfiction#zeke jaeger fanfiction#zeke yeager fanfiction#zeke x reader#zeke x you#zeke x y/n
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I wonder how they will meet again (not to discuss/reconcile yet) : it’s going to be so cold
Who will be the coldest? Rin acting broken or like he doesn’t give a fuck? Haru being unemotional and contemptuous or doing his best to ignore Rin?
How do you feel abt the beginning of the part2?
from what I got from the ending of the scene, spoon interview about p2 and everything, I think Haru won't be like assholish cold, he's gonna be most likely just.. empty, as in closer to pretending they all do not exist and gonna avoid everyone.
as for Rin it depends of what type he is when it comes to this kind of situations, I think there is 3 possible outcomes, so I suggest vote for one haha
at this point of their relationship aka they themselves know that they love each other, but it came to this, in doramas (which they resemble a lot lmfao) its either:
1. what I'm gonna call a TT type of guy: after he basically told him that he doesn't want him in his life anymore in a very harsh way, but actually didn't mean any of that and only wanted to be with him, the other one truly believed him, never once went to see him, was crying and dying on his own, thinking he might be the worst kind of trash if he doesn't want him in his life, until someone enlightened him the the other one still loved him to death, then he got caught up on the situation, put himself together, helped fixing it, but only believed he's truly wanted when he asked his other half to pretty please repeat him like 4 times that he loves him and won't regret being with him.
2. what I'm gonna call FT type of guy: after he basically told him that he doesn't want him in his life anymore in a very harsh way, but actually didn't mean any of that and only wanted to be with him, the other one truly believed him, but seeing him being detached and acting like he doesn't care for them anymore drove him crazy and he couldn't help but keep engaging, even after he kept recieving a cold shoulder again and again, got more and more upset and in denial in a "this can't be happening after all we've been through" way, until he completely broke down crying on the verge of believing that this might just how it's really gonna be from now on, until someone enlightened him the the other one still loved him to death and just barged in and was like "hey, baby, you're my happiness, so pls return me my happiness (T_T)".
And there's more of a classic route. Rin can get angry seeing what Haru does to himself, how he ruins himself and the "not his" ugly way he swims now and go like Kuroko route and behave like that. Not gonna avoid him at all, but become more angry for him than upset and gonna try to return him and prove him, that his way of thinking is wrong and he can't win or be happy with winning like that.
Bc Rin also gets extremely mad when Haru loses the light of life and tries to basically bury himself, so he also might flip and shake him, but Haru is gonna be like "so? what do you care? you have your own thing" and we can start this whole "I get that you don't care about us, I'm not gonna bother you anymore, promise, but don't do this to yourself" lalala and not understand anything again and then we still gonna need someone else's help at the end.
Also bc Rin didn't really realize yet what route Haru took to become stronger and that now he's gonna be like heartless machine and his lovely gorgerous ethereal swimming, that made all of their hearts fill with love is gonna be gone for forever. Thats when they all gonna be truly horrified and they might have some other talk like usual:
But like with Kuroko it wasn't his fault, with Rin he was who triggered this, but here he might understand that the only way to help him is to swim with him at this point. And they go more of the sports anime route. And then go dorama with their talking about the main problem after haha
So tell me which one do you prefer them to play out?
Characteristically in terms of vulnerability, I think Rin is closer to go TT route. And also bc of the scene itself, bc now he thinks that Haru never forgave him for what he's done back then and never will. So he might just not engage at all, just sadly watch him like "yeah, he clearly said that I make him unhappy", but then be like "I can't allow Haru's beautiful swimming to die", swim with him, bring him back, but be like "I get it, I also wouldn't want anyone to be with me." And then it's gonna be for Haru to handle.
I just can't wait to see their faces, when they'll see Haru's "heartless" swimming. Everyone in the pool be like this-is-what-its-like-to-be-lonely.mp3 and then Ikuya and Sousuke be like "omg Rin, what the fuck did you do?" lmao
I hope there's a scene where like everyone is horrified and then simultaneously turn their heads to Rin and he's gonna be like "why everyone is looking at me?" haha (I'm kidding, but that would be so funny)
#answered#smoking0area#rinharu#harurin#free! the final stroke#free!#rin matsuoka#nanase haruka#sharkbait#free#free! iwatobi swim club
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You Call That Sneaky?? - Dimitri Belikov X Reader
Not all goes as planned when Y/N and Belikov fly the bird.
TW: Strong language, use of gunship/death.
"Belikov, we need covering fire!" is what you heard come through his comms attached to his collar. It was Adler, they were in a pretty tight place. You quickly pulled the missiles online and hit "launch sequence" on the AC-31 Gunship.
Belikov flipped some switches, pulled back on the yoke and held it steady. He looked back at you and gave the nod. You quickly got on the radios to let them know the danger.
"Y/N to Adler, danger close. I repeat danger close. AC-31 out!" You warned them.
You set off the first round of just bullets, and quickly switched to bursts of incendiary rounds.
"Shot out!" You called, hitting a direct target.
The place was practically crawling with enemies, and you needed to clear extraction to bring the team up. They originally came here to collect some potential information regarding Robert Aldrich.
You needed to take him out because he was leaking sensitive information to Perseus, and his trail went cold after Bell was able to crack his spy ring.
So, of course hotshot Adler loaded himself, Woods, and Mason up and hauled their cookies all the way to the Border of Colorado.
They snuck around, maintaining stealth. You and Belikov controlled the bird, and flew around for sweep and cover protection. But, as they snuck up on a meeting, it was all revealed.
Turns out, it was a set up. And it really pissed off Frank. It pissed him off so much, he ended up losing his temper, and reached for a conveniently well place grenade launcher.
To sum it up, Frank fucked up. Because now the three man dream team went up against well over 200 enemies. So, here you were. You layed multiple rounds out until slowly but surely all the white in the thermal sights faded.
"We are clear Belikov! We are heading to the Southeast ridge, hooking up there!" Mason said into the radio.
"We got you guys, don't even worry. Y/N here will keep you safe!" Belikov said, looking over at you and winking.
You felt yourself blush, and quickly turned back to the controls.
"Well, looks like Woods owes all of us a drink after this shit show. You are sleeping on the couch tonight!" Adler yelled.
"Hey fuck you, I'll sleep there with your mom!" Frank retorted.
Man, the conversations between them never got old. You loved the time spent with the team.
You and Belikov pulled the helicopter over the ridge, where the team was going to hook up. You got up from the cockpit, and readied three a long, safety rope with three hookup points for the boys.
You dropped it over and it fell. You watched as they all attached, and you hit the botton for the rope to start slowly retracting.
You made sure they got in one by one, for the safety of everyone. You went back up to the co pilot seat and strapped in.
"Belikov, we are clear! Boys, headphones on!" You shouted.
They all put the headphones on, and started to relax a little.
"Good job as my helper today, Y/N. Soon, you'll be able to fly by yourself. And when that day comes, you'll feel so full and accomplished you'll burst! And that'll be the day I take you out for party." Belikov said, flashing you a dazzling smile.
"Well thank you, Dimitri. And you better! We've talked about this since I first started flying!" You said, Watching the skys.
"Of course, anything for you. You are amazing in everyway possible." He winked at you.
You felt like you were in a daze, until you heard a familiar, yet worrying ding. You immediately sighed, knowing exactly what that ding met.
"Fuck, of course! Dimitri I thought you said you filled up before we left!" You said.
Belikov shot you a "oh shit I completely forgot face" and shrugged.
"The beauty of Adler's face had me distracted. I must have forgotten." He said.
"Finally, someone that appreciates this handsome face." Adler mumbled to himself.
"Well, what now? We'll never make it past the summit if we don't fuel up!" Mason cried.
You turned, looking back at them.
"What happens now, is either Dimitri or I have to go outside and hang off the ledge. While doing that, one of us will have to quickly connect the emergency fuel so it can atleast get us back to a drop zone." You spoke calmly, turning to him.
"But, since Belikov did it last time, it's my turn. I will go do this real quick, prepare for a stop at a fueling station. It looks like I'm reading one about 20 clicks North." You said, slipping on gear.
"Y/N, are you sure about this? I can do it while you fly, come now. Don't be stupid, nyet!" Belikov said.
You looked back, and gave him a thumbs up.
"No, I can do it. It's only fair, don't worry I got this. It'll be quick and easy!" You said, slipping an emergency parachute on just in case.
Adler, Woods, and Mason all watched as you geared up, stepping towards the opening of the heli.
"Y/N, your fuckin' nuts. Do you need any help?" Woods questioned.
You looked back at him, and nodded yes. He got up and came over to you.
"I need you to hold onto my feet until I tell you to let go. I need to start off with a good grip, or else I'll go splat." You said.
He nodded, and you went prone. You hung halfway out, and grabbed onto the support handles. Woods grabbed your feet and secured you.
You clipped your belt to the safety clamp and gave Woods a 'hold steady' hand signal. But, to him it apparently looked like a thumbs up. So, out of routine, he carefully let your feet go.
Immediately, the strong winds pulled your body out of the side, and left you hanging by your harness. The wind whipped and slashed at your skin like tiny, ice cold daggers as you desperately tried to reach for the handles.
Everyone on board started freaking out. Belikov went to make an emergency landing, but there were too many trees. He looked and looked for the best spot possible, and finally spotted a clearing.
You were screaming, yelling and crying. You felt the harness behind to tick and tear. It was going to bust at the seams at any moment, and you were still in the air.
You hung from the clip in the middle of your chest, trying to use your feet to kick back to the side.
Adler was trying to reach you with his arm, but it wasn't happening. You were just out of reach by a few feet. You were out of options.
"Y/N!!! Hang on, we almost have you!!" Mason shouted, quickly throwing together a rope to secure you with.
"What the hell did you do idyot?? I can't land, we are right over Soviet territory!" Belikov wretched out.
He dropped lower to land, but not fast enough. By time he dropped almost enough, is when your harness finally tore straight in half. The clip broke from the force, and you dropped straight down, backwards.
You screamed as you felt the force of the fall practically crush you. You were able to turn to your stomach, and quickly reach for the string used for the parachute.
You fumbled to find out, but when you did you yanked. Relief swept over you when it deployed, and slowly descended down to a platform.
"Her chute deployed, but it's heading straight to the middle of that warehouse it looks like!" Mason yelled.
Belikov channeled your radio, worry racing through him.
"Y/N? Y/N can you hear this? If so, I landed just a few clicks West of you. This is heavily guarded compound!" Belikov spoke into it.
You landed with a thud, and you quickly switched it on, ripping off the vest. You quickly took cover behind a fallen log, looking all around at your surroundings.
"I can see, and that little stunt just sent out a whole fucking search party. They have dogs, please tell me you have a plan." You said, finally throwing the vest to the ground.
Adler came on the radio next.
"Y/N, the best thing for you to do is to try and sneak around to the West side of the compound. We are going to push to you so you'll be safe. Do NOT draw any attention to you. Meet me at the blue warehouse." Was what he said.
"Blue warehouse, got it." Was all you said, clicking it off. You reached for a sharp looking rock you found on the ground, and got up to slowly look around.
You determined the best path to the warehouse, and set off. You were hurt, scared, and shaking. You could feel the adrenaline move through your body, and you almost couldn't think.
You weren't mad at Woods, you knew it was an accident. But right now.....All you wanted was to be in the arms of Dimitri Belikov. You decided now, after you got back to the heli you were going to say how you felt.
You were ready, and nearly dying really helped you decide. You just hoped he felt the same way.
Meanwhile, back with Belikov he was ready to kill. He assembled his trusty AK-47 and was ready to full send it to you. His heart was in a panic, he felt like he was going to have a heart attack.
"Belikov, Y/N is going to be just find. Adler will go get her, and then you'll get us home. Everything will work out, I promise." Mason said, trying to get Belikov to calm down.
Belikov looked to Mason with tears in his eyes. He couldn't stand the though of you out there, alone with no weapon. But knowing you, he knew you found something. That's what he loved about you, and many other things.
"I know, but she is worth a lot to me. I love her." Belikov sobbed.
Mason picked up on his distress, and he opened his arms for Belikov.
Belikov accepted the hug, and Mason patted his back.
"This will be over in a few minutes. Adler and Y/N will be back in no time, I promise." Was what Mason said.
Meanwhile, Frank fueled up the heli. The plan was to pick you up, and book it back home. Nobody wanted to be here more than they had to be.
Back with you, you approached a small fire. Around the fire was a few enemies, asleep. One was in a chair, the other on the ground, and the last against a barrell, hat pulled over his eyes.
You went to step around the group and take a right, but you smacked right into the frame of an old truck. This ended up setting off the panic alarm. You dove behind another old car and held still, as you heard them all shoot up from slumber.
You heard guns cock, and your heart sank. You swallowed hard, and leaned your head back against a car, looking up. They all started looking around, you heard the footsteps.
You fully accepted that you were doing to die. How the hell were you supposed to fight four people off with a sharp rock, while they had full automatic weapons.
You felt no hope, until you saw familiar sunglasses. Adler sat up on the ridge above you, waving you to follow him. Your eyes went wide, but you moved when he signaled.
That was, until you ran right into a person. You looked up at him, and he began to yell in Russian. He pulled his gun on you, but you tackled him quickly. You subdued him somehow, and grabbed his AK.
But you and Adler both spotted a flare in the distance. The screaming of the base alarm system filled your ears.
"Y/N, let's go! Just run, we are right up here!" Adler yelled, taking your hand.
You both sprinted full speed up the ridge side, with the entire army base on your heels. Adler radioed in, and finally you saw the heli in the distance.
"Be ready to go! We have the entire base on our ass, we're about 100 feet from you!" Is what Adler shouted.
You heard the blades begin to spin, it was ready to go. You both gave it all you had ad bullets zipped and flew past your head at incredible speed.
You came to the last few steps, and booked it. You both dove into the side, and Mason slammed it closed. The helicopter took off at full speeds, while bullets hit the side, making a panging sound.
You huffed and puffed on the ground, completely spread out. You suddenly felt arms around you, and a head in your neck.
It was Belikov, you recognized his smell from anywhere. You looked at him, lifting his face. You gave him a big smile and wiped his tears away.
"Hey its alright, I'm here. I'm safe, thanks to Doc." You chuckled.
Belikov took your face in his hands, and tucked your stray hair away.
"I thought I lost you. Y/N, I love you. I realized that tonight, after thinking you were dead. I always have, and will." He said, a tear falling from his eye.
You choked up, and rested your forehead against his. Your hand stroked his face, as you leaned in.
"And the same as I, Dimitri. Now, kissing me you fool." You said with a laugh.
You locked lips. It felt like fireworks and sparklers went off in your brain. It was everything you ever wanted.
After pulling away from the kiss, Belikov pulled you to his chest, and held you there all the way back. He looked down at you, and lost it laughing.
"What's so funny huh?" You questioned.
"No offense Y/N but, you call that sneaky? Tripping right into an enemy?"
#black ops cold war#cold war#dimitri belikov#cod belikov#belikov x reader#frank woods#russell adler#alex mason#one shot
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Boku No Hero Academia Chapter 286 SPOILERS
(#getshoutototherapy2020)
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Picking up right where we left off. Kacchan's fucking dying and Deku's about to loose his last brain cell.
Todoroki catches both Endeavour and Bakugou because apparently he can fly now which, I'm not sure how that works since the fire is only coming out of one foot but that's not what I should be focusing on rn.
AFO basically said "Ha what an idiot!" and Midoriya, to absolutely no ones surprise, does not take this new development very well, nor does he approve of AFO attitude about it. The images of all his soon-to-be-dead comrades flashes in his mind along with that warning the 5th user gave him about controlling his emotions. It looks like he's about to ignore that warning. Well, even more than he has been already.
Sigh. I actually don't want to see what happens next. Look at him! Black Whip is going nuts. If he survives this I don't think he's gonna go pro. He might end up retiring before he even started his career.
(Edit: I just notice Midoriya's grabbing and biting the force activation... fingers? Claws? Um yeah he's doing that.)
Am I seeing things or is that AFO's potato head looking ass grinning from inside that crack on Shigaraki's head??? What the fuck lol.
We cut back to Giganto who's currently bulldozing his way through Sauro City in the Osaka prefecture and he's all "Master's scent... there's two of them...?" THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THERE'S TWO OF THEM!?!?!?? One is obviously Shigaraki. Shit is he smelling AFO too? What the fuck is happening rn??????? Is AFO warping his way to Jakku through Shigaraki's head???
NO DON'T FUCKING SEND THEM THERE OMG
Send literally anyone else. We not about to have anymore child casualties. I don't think Midoriya is mentally prepared for that.
Ochako is thinking about how everything started going down hill after the USJ and it looks like she might be getting ready to do something stupid.
FUCK. Welp! That's the end of the manga folks! Main character is dead. They had a good run, but everything must come to an end eventually. I'm just sad everyone's sacrifice was in vain. Oh well. What can you do. It ezzz what it ezzz. I'm sure gonna miss this manga lol.
Seriously tho, Shouto is gonna be so fucking traumatised when this is over. First his teacher and then his dad immediately followed by his two best friends. On top of the abuse he had as a child he's gonna need so much fucking therapy.
You know what would be really fucking funny? If AFO went through all that trouble, corrupting Shigaraki and moulding him into the perfect vessel, only to still not be able to take OFA. That would be so fucking hilarious. Also I think Midoriya just realised he fucked up.
OMG ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?!??! Now Midoriya has to help him. I mean he can't not after seeing this. And I was so ready to hate him too. God damnit Horikoshi. Tomura's the bad guy, I'm not supposed to feel things for him. Ugh now I feel bad for wanting him dead. Fuck. AFO's hand is fused with his body, that's so messed up. Is this gonna end up being Tomura's redemption? He finally realises AFO doesn't actually care about him and has been manipulating him the entire time? I'd be okay with that as long as he still goes to prison.
(Edit: This is a late edit but I just wanted to point out it's actually really obvious Shigaraki is still fighting back against AFO. You can tell from looking at his eyes and his dialogue immediately after Katsuki gets skewered. I honestly don't know how I missed the signs, tho I guess we've already established I'm kinda slow to pick up on these things.)
And he's trying to claw AFO hand off of him. The more I look at it the more messed up it gets.
Ok yeah Midoriya is currently trying to crawl his way over to help Shigaraki but Nana is like "You still can't move here."
Oh shit the vestiges are getting involved.
I genuinely thought Shigaraki willingly relinquished controll to AFO, only to find out the blind bastard took it by force. Wow. I really shouldn't be this surprised. It's totally like him to take advantage of someone vulnerable and Shigaraki was literally about to die so...
I also like how Izuku was genuinely trying to killed Shigaraki literally 5 seconds ago and immediately flipped his stance once he realised Shiggy needs help. Idk if he thinks AFO was always in controll that entire time or if he knows he wasn't but wants to help Shiggy anyway. Either way it's totally a Deku thing to do and I love it. It looks like his sanity came back too so that's good. He's still gonna be severely injured when he wakes up but at least his mental state is back normal.
I wonder how the next chapter will go. Is Nana bout get some revenge on AFO for what happened to her and her family? Are we bout to see a bunch of ghost fight each other??? I wanna see that.
Wait, can AFO not get OFA because of the vestiges? It sounds like Nana is about to intervene on Tomura's behalf. We're the vestiges just fighting back AFO's quirk every time he tried to take it? If that's the case why did he think Shigaraki would be any different? Was he hoping Shigaraki would override that because he's related to Nana?
So many questions, not enough answers.
Until next time.
#boku no hero academia#boku no hero academia spoilers#bnha#bnha spoilers#bnha manga#bnha manga spoilers#i honestly couldnt care less about giganto rn#i just wanna know whats up with Mido and Shiggy tbh#bnha 286
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The Destiel Folder: Season 8
[Season 4; Season 5; Season 6; Season 7]
Oooohhh this is where things start getting JUICY
Episode 1:
Again, Dean copes with the idea of Cas not being there by lying to himself
Parallel from S6: Dean behaves exactly like he was while looking for Lisa and Ben, looking for Cas. "Where's the angel!" (16:57)
Dean clearly states he won't leave PurGAYtory without Cas (22:45)
Episode 2:
Since Dean has come back, he has been snappy with Sam and Crowley about Cas, but every time he remembers PurGAYtory, he is either looking for Cas or with him, and that's all he thinks of
Again with the paraparallels with Lisa and Ben (12:21), also "You'll find your angel there." (13:19) ICWAW, come on, do I have to point that out?
"There are some in Heaven who still believe, despite his mistakes, that Castiel's heart was always in the right place [...] I think... too much heart was always Castiel's problem." (22:25) Samandriel says all of this while looking directly at Dean
Look at that hug. Have we ever seen Dean hug Cas before? The gring on Dean's face. [This is so fucking funny too me, the "Nice peach fuzz" reaction to Cas' beard VS the Sam's "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" reaction in season 14] (23:21)
"I prayed to you, Cas, every night!" (24:37) Cas once again chose to leave/hurt Dean in order to protect him, even tho he really doesn't want to leave him. "There've been things hunting me. [...] I've a price on my head and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them to... to keep them away from you." (24:54) Those fucking eyes kill me
Dean is willing to risk it all to get Cas out with him. "Cas, buddy... I need you." [yeah, let's see how well that ages on episode 17], also the little "Dean... " after that... BABIES (25:33)
That smile, those eyes... LOOK AT HIM. This is such a "You and me against everything" moment that, ICWAW, would be considered HELLA ROMANTIC
"I'm not leaving here without you. Understand?" (25:51) for fucking finally, also 12 seconds of STARE + LICK of the LIPS action. Oooohhh ICWAW... just imagine
Let us remember that all of this ⬆️, Dean remembers after Samandriel told him "too much heart bla bla bla"
"... [Kevin] thinks people I don't need anymore, they end up dead." (40:36) 'you', Dean? Only you? That's so much guilt you are packing. And immediately after he thinks about trying to save Cas from PurGAYtory and failing... Alrighty then
Episode 5:
I get why some people ship Dean and Benny, but they really do struck me as a bromance. When they call each other "brother", I believe that. With Cas, Dean pulls the "brother card" whenever he's opening his heart to him, basically "no-homo"ing it at the end. Weird right? (12:03)
Benny bitches about Cas being a danger to them because of the attraction monsters have to him, and Cas himself tries convincing Dean he has to leave him behind for his own good, but Dean is having none of that shit and is ready to die trying to save him (12:56)
FUCK MY LIFE we are getting flashbacks from both Sam and Dean, Sam about the time he spent with Amelia, and Dean about looking for, finding and trying to save Cas. I MEAN??!!! ICWAW you BET this would be seen as a ROMANTIC PARALLEL
"He's a friend." "A friend? Dean, you don't have any- all your friends are dead." "That's not what I called to talk about!!" Ouch (25:27)
Episode 6:
"I was in Purgatory." "Like 'purgatory' Purgatory?" "No, the one in Miami." ... that's a gay bar, Dean, how would you know? (11:23)
Dean's lying to himself about Cas letting go (35:32)
Episode 7:
Parallel to S1 Sam seeing Jess while in the car (2:31). Kill me. Also Dean allucinates Cas just like Sam did with Jess (10:15) band tries coping with it by repeating to himself that he didn't leave Cas behind
Every scene in Purgatory where Cas tries to reassure Dean that, if he doesn't make it, it's just the way it is, and Dean insisting he won't leave without him. "I'm just saying... if it doesn't work.. Thank you. For everything." (12:50) I'm dying
Cas comes back and all Dean does for the first few moments is check him out (16:16-16:21) He says he kept trying to reach for the boys, but wasn't at full power, tho somehow Dean was the only one who could see him. And Dean's eyes looking back at Cas (17:58) End me now
FUCKING👏BONER👏SHIFT👏 (20:38)
LOOK AT HIM!! He's checking him out, making THAT face and SHIFTING IN HIS SEAT WHILE PRESSING A HAND TO HIS CROTCH. THAT'S A BONER SHIFT. Look at Sam and then at Dean (20:44) One is a friendly fond reaction, one ISN'T.
ICWAW, we wouldn't even be QUESTIONING it!
The amount of checking out in this episode is crazy. Look at Dean checking out Cas. Look at his face! THE EYES (24:08) ICWA- OH COME ON DO I HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT?!
"Did you not trust me?" "Dean..." "I did everything I could to get you out. Everything! ... I did not leave you." "... So you think this was your fault?" OH MY GOD SO FUCKING #MARRIED LOOK AT CAS' EYES (28:06) ICWA- I'm not even trying anymore
So many soft shoulder touches (34:42) also HOT SCENE I don't know why "I'm going in." "Cas, no. You're not strong enough." (35:15) precious babies
"You could've gotten yourself killed. Why didn't you wait for me?" "Well, I didn't get killed, and it worked." "And if it didn't?!" "It would have been my problem." "Well, it's not the way I see it!" (37:36) #MARRIED they're SO MARRIED
Dean keeps blaming himself for Cas not getting out "I don't need to feel like hell for failing you like I've failed every other godforsaken thing I care about." SEE??! (38:16) Dean preferred believing he had let Cas down, something he is used to, than he had sacrified himself for him (38:48). Dean can't believe Cas thought he deserved to stay in Purgatory. Also THE WAY THEY'RE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER (39:38) And Dean's deeply hurt by the fact that Cas would leave him to safety and remain in Purgatory as self punishment for what Dean had painted as all Cas' fault. And he is full of regret (41:30)
Episode 8:
[How fucking cute is it that Cas wants to become a hunter. I'M SQUEELING]
They are so #MARRIED my heart ACHES (5:02) and the way Dean looks at Cas is so fucking SOFT. And 6 seconds of just staring and... well, Cas in general (5:13)
"What? I was being bad cop." "No, you were being bad everything!" (9:12) #MARRIED (12:04) I'm dying, they're so cute
"I don't sleep." "Okay, well, I need my 4 hours, so-" "I'll watch over you *puppy eyes*" (12:52)
"Hey, can you lift this?" sure, Dean, every excuse is valid to have Cas be hot by effortlessly moving an anvil. And see how Cas looks at Dean, like "Really? You even had to ask? I'll fucking show you I can lift this shit". Look at how he looks back side-eyes at Dean here (14:16), like he's making sure Dean is watching him being hot. I'm dead
This is such a fucking sweet moment [I mean, kinda looked like the begging of a porn at first] (16:01). Dean can sense Cas is not okay, and gets him to open up about his feelings. And when Cas admits being suicidal, Dean is speechless, not even being able to imagine such an outcome. Anyway, it is so fucking sweet that they're always able to show themselves vulnerable to each other
Shut up. Look at this scene (18:51-18:53). Mute the video and just look. This is Sam marrying Cas and Dean. PERIODT.
"You're so pretty, Charles. [...] You were quite the bounder." DEAN'S FACE (20:27) He's so in love, and immediately after he LICKS HIS LIPS
While Sam talks about running away from your problems (referring to Amelia), and having to wake up in order not to destroy everything, the pan focuses on Cas (35:33) Subtext, gentlethem, subtext. CAS, FACE YOUR FEELINGS. SOON
Dean's face when Cas says he's not coming back with them (38:16-39:21)
Episode 10:
I now this scene is supposed to be funny, but the way Cas looks at Dean AAAWWW (6:53-7:01) Also do you really have to walk so close to Cas, Dean? Do you? While CHECKING HIM OUT nonetheless?! (7:54)
Remember when in 7x01 Dean was totally comfortable watching porn in front of his brother? Well, Dean goes on and on about Cas being a "brother", but his fucking reaction to Cas being in the same room as him with porn on his computer, is BY FAR the same he has with Sam, hell he even keeps watching with Sam! (8:05) Is it because the last time he, porn and Cas were in the same room, Cas popped a BONER?
Random guy @ Dean: "Are you serious?" Cas: "*leans in to look at Dean* That's his serious face, yes." And Dean's reaction (12:59) SO FUCKING #MARRIED
Dean, that's not the way you look at a friend, or a BROTHER (13:38)
LOOK!! I swear to GOD ICWAW that would be seen as nothing other than CHECKING OUT YOUR CRUSH
"Hey, how about we say, if this doesn't pan out, we had back to that beer and bacon happy hour a mile back, huh?" Translation: "Since I'm starting to realize I might feel something more for you, let me take you on what is totally not a date unless you want it to be" (16:58)
(24:02) #MARRIED
Dean, will you stop checking out Cas during missions? (25:06) Same goes for you, Cas, don't check if your husband's got a boner for you being the hero here (25:08)
Since the start of this season, we've been getting parallels between Sam & Amelia and Dean & Cas. The flashbacks, the guilt for leaving the other half behind, and now Dean tells Sam he's jealous he got a chance at being happy with Amelia (37:32)!!! I MEAN- and fuck my life when I tell you there are parallels with the whole Sam-Amelia-Don & Cas-Dean-Benny thing. I'M TELLING YOU
Episode 11:
"Trust me, this life... you can't afford attachments. You just gotta... let go." "... Are we still talking about Sam, or did you break up with someone too?" (21:17) CHARLIE KNOWS. TELL HIM CHARLIE
Episode 13:
Bitch... Dean's reaction to getting publicly hit on by a dude, so not the one a straight guy, confident in his sexuality and masculinity, "no-homo bro" would have (15:36). Just saying, we have seen Dean turn down what he thought were avances, and other implications regarding his sexuality, with either sarcasm/humor or anger... this is new. Progress?! [Wait till we get to 15x7]
Episode 16:
[Keep in mind how Dean's bedroom looks. Trust me]
Episode 17: OOOOHHH BOI
Cas has been tortured, mind-fucked, obligated to kill fake Deans over 1K times, in order to be ready to kill the real one. Let that sink in
Dean prayed to Cas, I'm sure almost every night, and can already sense something is not right with him ever since he came back from Purgatory (11:31), but when Sam questions his prayers to Cas, Dean doesn't know how to respond. Like, what, do I need a reason to try and contact my crush?
"There has to be another way. [...] This isn't right! [...] I won't hurt Dean!" (29:51-31:00) "Cas, fight this! This is not you! FIGHT IT!" and he does. Cas fights it. [and as soon as Cas starts fighting back, Heaven tints with BI COLOURS! LOOK AT THEM WINDOW THINGY (31:16) OF ALL COLOURS]
Dean is on the verge of tears, kneeling in front of Cas, telling him "This isn't you!", and to fight. He is pleading. And by the end, bloody, hopeless, "Cas... it's me! We're family. We need you... I need you." and Cas stops. (33:13)
Cas breaks the connection Naomi had installed in him. Once again, when presented with the choice, he chooses Dean over Heaven. All of this because Dean needed him. And let's not forget Dean was originally ment to say "I love you.", and that would've been the reason Cas snapped out of the control. I MEAN ICWAW THIS WOULD FUCKING BE CANON
Dean, thinking Cas is going to kill him, clutches onto the coat's sleeve for dear life, to the memory of his Cas (34:21) KILL ME
"What broke the connection?" The look in Cas' eyes... "I don't know." OH YES YOU DO (36:15) and Dean's face when Cas says he needs to protect the angel tablet. Dean knows he's gonna leave again (36:23). ICWAW, this whole scene would be the UMPTEENTH CONFESSION
Episode 18:
"I'm fine. Are you okay?" "Me?" "Yeah. Cass dinged you up pretty good." "... and?" "And I just wanted to make sure you're okay." "...What, like, my feelings?!" "If that's what you wanna talk about, sure." Dean gets pissy pretty easily when talking about Cas, who left once again, and his feelings. Also, Sam knows, and he ships it. He's president of the Destiel Company (4:02)
Episode 19:
The thing with the Deanny relationship is: Dean is naturally affectionate towards Sam, and he expresses the same towards Benny. His relationship with the both of them is very very similar, while see Dean showing affection towards Cas [same as he does with Sam] only during extreme emotional moments. Dean is known for repressing his feelings, and having a tendency to maintaining a "macho" exterior. He shows himself vulnerable in front of Cas, but not enough for him to think less of Dean. So, think about it
Episode 20:
Charlie, a lesbian, who has only ever heard of Castiel through Dean, describes him as seeming "dreamy" while talking to Dean... GAYDAR ANYONE??!!! (9:16)
Episode 21:
"In the words of a good friend... 'bite me'." Cas is quoting Dean, and if I remember correctly, Dean will quote Cas' "ass-butt" later on (16:"10)
Episode 22:
I hate when Dean treats Cas poorly, badly, because he can't deal with his feelings. In the heat of the moment, Dean is always forgiving, helpful and caring, but as soon As things cool down, he goes back to being cold, bitchy and snappy, like nothing ever happened. Repressed mother fucker
The small flash of hurt on Cas' face when Dean ignores his "Good morning" (3:33) fighting coupleTM. "Dean, I can go with you. *is ignored* Dean... I'm sorry. [LOOK AT THAT FACE]" "For what?" "For everything." "Everything? Like ignoring us?" #MARRIED
Cas is buying porn, beer and pie to make amends to Dean. "Where's the pie?" "I think we're out." "*grabs store clerk* You don't understand. I need pie!" (14:50) they are so fucking #MARRIED
Episode 23:
This is such a sweet moment. Cas is about to close the doors to his old home behind himself forever, while risking getting killed by his own kind, and Dean is worried about him. They are sharing drinks while longingly staring into each other's eyes. This is so sweet. Also, Dean warned Sam he might not be coming back. Why? Cuz he would probably die while trying to protect Cas from other angels. To them, they are probably spending their last moments together, while looking at each other like THAT (22:38) And 5 seconds of STARES (23:10)
In love. Fucking fools in love, that's what they are.
This is so stupid but they have just witnessed a cupid matching up two dudes, after all of the above⬆️ (23:53) AND IT'S JUST FUNNY!! Dean is stunned and all, while Cas is complitely fine and professional (24:04-24:17-24:21) DEAN'S FACE
"Talk first, stab later." (26:21) Cas is like "Bitch, you talking? That was our first date!" #MARRIED
[I'll just leave this here (37:00)]
Now shit's getting real
[Season 9>>]
#the destiel folder#icwaw#if castiel were a woman#supernatural#dean winchester#castiel#destiel#dean x castiel#spn#casdean#deancas#jensen ackles#misha collins#supernatural rewatch#spn rewatch#spn season 8#destiel moments#supernatural family#spn family#time stamp#ship#fandom#destiel should be canon#rewatch#dean is bi#dean winchester is bi#destiel parallels#purgaytory#purgatory#cockles
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We are not just friends — Part 16
Chris Evans x bi!latina!character (Sofia is a people of color, she's brown.)
Chris and Sofia meet when their best friends started dating, it all started at friends with loads of bumps on the road.
Warnings: drinking, smoking, drug use (weed), assault, Chris being Steve Rogers, commitment issues, my girl Sofia kinda messy, lots of fucking (eventually)
This is slow burn at its best, at least emotionally.
Series masterlist
She didn't even look at him, just took another drag of the cigarette her hands were shaking. God, she didn't want to do this at all.
Chris sighed and walked up to her, maintaining his distance and Sofia looked up to him, locking eyes for a moment and everything came rushing for them.
"Hi," Sofia mumble and looked down again, putting one arm over her chest. "What's up?"
Chris chuckles and leans on beside her, putting his hand out for the cigarette and she gives it to him.
"Nothing, really," He said shrugging.
"You sure about that?" She quickly asked and absolutely regretted asking him that. Sofia chuckle. "Forget about it."
"I tried," Chris spoke putting the cigarette on his month. "And I can't get over you—
"Stop," Sofia quickly interrupted him shaking her head making Chris snap his head at her. "You shouldn't even be speaking to me."
"Why? it's always the same with you. You never want to speak with me, always shutting me out at whatever thing you feeling. I can't be open with you, never."
"This is about you repeating a behavior, as usual. Came to a party with some other bitch and here you are, talking with your ex whatever." Sofia said and looked at him. "Those this whole scenario doesn't feel like a fucking Deja Vu?"With that he remembered, she was right and he shook his head.
"It's not the same,"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, because I wasn't in love with her—
"Still, you bring her here knowing that I'm here. Witch, it's worse. What the fuck is your point? are you trying to hurt me?" She asked eyes getting glossy. "to prove me something?"
"She wasn't even supposed to be here,"
"She's still here."
"I'm not trying to hurt you," Chris said raising his voice a little. "I don't wanna hurt you, ever."
Sofia was shaking as her heart was jumping on her chest, she had so much shit to say to him. There were so many things on her chest.
"I know I said a bunch of crap to you, that u shouldn't have told you. I'm sorry for that, I lashed out at you and it was my fault because I'm an asshole." She grabbed the cigarette from his hand. "I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry."
"I know you are, I haven't been easy with you either, I know I just wanna do things fast all the time and I was too selfish, I'm sorry I stop speaking with you,"
"It just backfired," Sofia sighed, feeling her throat tighten. "All my doubts, the feelings I was trying to repress. Everything that I was trying to avoid by keeping you at arms lengths, it just…" Sofia wipes her tears quickly. "I didn't want to fall in love with you, I didn't want to be vulnerable because I'm scared of people that I care about leaving me. So, I pull shit like this all the time, not only with you. Mostly I don't care because I can manage on my own, but with you…"
"Sofia," Chris said softly but she didn't acknowledge him, just keet looking at her hands, millions of things going through her head. She didn't even know where to start.
"All that I think about it's you, even when I feel like maybe I'm getting better, maybe I'm gonna be me again—boom, Chris, Chris would have laughed at that, Chris would love this, I wish Chris would be here, Chris Chris Chris," Sofia explained.
"I feel that way too," Chris mumbled. "It's unhealthy how much I can't be without you."
"And it sucks, doesn't it?" Sofia mumble again. "I hate the hold you have in me, I hate that it bothers me so much that you were holding her hand when I saw you. It really hurt, I felt actual pain on my chest."
"She's…" Chris sighed. "it's not serious with her, we are just… We've dated before, very briefly."
"You don't have to explain anything to me, in fact, I think the one that probably needs an explanation it's her," Sofia said getting off the wall and extinguish the cigarette on the wall.
"She knows," Chris said looking up, trying to get her to look at him but she was just avoiding his eyes. "I'm sorry I bring her, it was a dick move."
"Yeah, it was." She sighed again and finally looked at him. God, he was so fucking beautiful, she just wanted to reach out and touch him. "You're a good man, Chris." Sofia bit her lip, barely containing the tears. "I'm sorry I'm too fucked up—
"You're not fucked up," He reaches out and grabbed her hands, Sofia was too weak to pull away. "Look at me," He spoke softly to her and she did. "You're not fucked up, not for me, not for everyone. You're an amazing woman, outspoken, proud of who you become against your shortcomings. You deserve patience," He said wiping a tear that fell on her cheek.
"I hurt you and you're here praising my ass. You're crazy," She said and Chris laughed, pulling her even closer.
"Yeah, crazy about you." He said sliding his hand on her arms, she was cold. "as I was saying, you're amazing, you deserve all the time in the word and I wanna give you that."
Sofia looked at him, trying to find that but there wasn't. "You still wanna be with me?"
"Yeah, I never stopped wanting that. I never wanted it to end," He nods, grabbing her hands as she looked down at their fingers.
"I'm scared,"
"I know, honestly… me too," Chris shrugged. "But I don't wanna end this because of that, you're worth it."
"I don't wanna think about this now," She sighed still looking down at their hands. "Not when she's… here and it's Mandy and Luke party, we shouldn't out of respect for all of them." Sofia took a step back and pull her hands out of his.
"Yeah, you're right…" Chris sighed, rubbing his beard. "I'll speak with her, let her know and then we'll talk. What you think about that?"
"Okay," She nods looking at the door. "I should," She pointed at it.
"Me too," He said and bit his lip before she could even make it to the door. Chris grabbed her and plant a kiss on her lips, Sofia felt her knees buckle and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"God, I've missed you," Sofia said against his lips.
"I love you," He mumbles back and she just kissed him deeply. Chris pulled her close and Sofia just felt weak, she wanted him so much all the time.
"We shouldn't be doing this," She mumbles, and Chris sigh, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
"I know," Chris said. "I know we have to talk things first, figure it out… I just, can't help myself"
Sofía smile and hugged him and they stood there for a little while. Just hug it out for the time being.
~~~
"So she left," Scott told Chris as soon he rejoined him, Chris frown and let Scott elaborate. "With some very attractive gentleman, said she's gonna pick up her luggage in the morning,"
Chris made a face but couldn't be bothered, actually, this was pretty good… considering he just was kissing the actual woman he wanted to be with.
"And you have lipstick all over your mouth," Scott pointed out hiding a smile. "You two finally talk."
"A little," Chris said looking at Sofia who was happily dancing with Amanda's dad. He smiles at the scene, "We agree that we're going to figure it out."
"Fucking finally, mom's dying to meet her." Scott smiled as he affectionately punches his arm making Chris laugh.
"I'm telling you this, I'm going to marry the fuck out of her someday."
"Yeah, mom's gonna love her as we do." Scott smile.
~~~
Sorry I took so long!
Tag list:
@smediumsmeatbae
@lunaticbarnes
@firstangeldragonranch
@lovepeacefood
@thegirlwithpaperheart
#chris evans#chris evans fanfiction#chris evans x female reader#chris evans x y/n#chris evans x poc!reader#chris evans x latina!#chris evans fluff#chris evans x ofc#chris evans x original female character#chris evans x reader#Chris Evans x reader#Chris Evans x original females character#Chris Evans angst
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"I'm sorry, what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Carly asks and he nods his agreement with the question, confused as well.
"His first allegiance has been you for the entire time I've known him! You call, the second he registers it's you he answers it. No matter what. We could be in a fight and he'd still pause it to answer that call from you. I don't know why, maybe there's something going on there I don't know about, but still. At least now I'm not competing for attention," Sam sadly smiles.
"Redo on the question: what the hell is that supposed to mean?" The blonde asks again, laughing when she figures out what it is she means. "Oh my god, you think we're having an affair! Oh my god! That's- oh my god."
Both of them burst into laughter at the thought of that. "You thought- us?" Jason asks, laughing still in a rare showing of emotion for him.
Confused, Sam takes that as a sign to say that. "Yeah, actually. I don't know, it just seemed like something that would happen between you two. Or that it was happening."
That stops their laughter promptly. "You do know we used to do that, right?" Jason asks her calmly. "Before Michael."
"And then I was in love with him for several years," Carly smiles at him, "and he wouldn't tell me his feelings until after Sonny and I had gotten together the first time. Stubborn goat. I practically told him everytime I saw him but he just smiled and gave me taxi money. Cruel, truly."
"Most of this took place when she was married to AJ," he finishes the version of the story Sam gets today, even though he could've sworn he'd told her before, "with a minor amount of her begging me to flee the country with her and Michael while she was married to Sonny the first time. But since I came back from my great world exploration, we've simply been friends."
"So you two were going to leave the country together, and you used to hook up, and you were in love at one point, and I never learned any of this?" Sam exclaims, angry and kinda hurt as well.
"I just assumed you knew. Honestly, Sam, I'm kinda surprised you didn't. Everyone knows it; we don't try to hide it or act like we weren't. People haven't just brought it up in... God it'd be years by now, but a long time. When you came to town, though, people were still talking about it pretty regularly. No clue why, maybe they found us fascinating or something, but how didn't you know?" A surprised Carly asks her former fellow mob wife.
"No one ever thought to tell me that his best friend was also someone he was in love with! Someone he considered not only leaving the business for, but someone he considered leaving everyone he cared about to protect," Sam exclaims.
"A million years ago," Carly defends him, "and besides, I doubt that ever would've actually happened."
"Mainly because I refused to let it happen," Jason smiles at her. "You were ready to leave the country on the next flight out and never look back, not for anyone or anything."
"Yeah, I guess I should've thought that out, but in my defense, we would've been happy in, say, Switzerland with Michael and very far away from Sonny," she quickly returns his smile, quipping back immediately.
"Switzerland has an extradition treaty," he reminds her. "Vietnam, on the other hand, does not."
"You were prepared to let me just take off to a country with an extradition treaty with my son and you?" Carly asks, mock offended. "That's just mean."
"Never. I would've made sure we went somewhere without one if we went, which we already established wasn't gonna happen," he smiles again, this time noticed by Sam exclusively, as Carly was busy fake pouting and he was trying to hold back a laugh. "Not once have I willingly gone along with a Carly plan and I plan on dying with that."
"Lies. My fake marriage to AJ so that Michael, me, and you could be a family again, legally," the blonde reminds him, smirking. "You went along with that one pretty easily. Granted, it was because you'd get everything back to how it'd been, your comfortable, no changing life."
"So you act like this, reminiscing about a past I found out about five minutes ago, and I'm expected to believe you truly, truly, aren't still feeling feelings for each other?" Sam asks, incredulous.
"Of course we have feelings! Joy, and anger, and fear and sadness and nostalgia all wrapped into one cozy blanket. But that doesn't mean we're cheaters in relationships, doesn't mean that he would cheat on you, that I'd do that to Sonny," Carly exclaims. "Jason is the most loyal man I have ever met. He's broken zero promises to me and believe me I've given him more than enough reason to. But still, he keeps his word. He would never, in a million years, cheat on you."
"Back the hell up, did you just say you've got feelings for him?" Sam asks, angry but unsurprised.
"We're friends, just friends!" Carly fights her.
"Tell me you're not still attracted to him, then, and I'll believe you!" Sam fires back. "Honestly, can you tell me that you have no feelings for him? Can you?'
There's a poignant pause and a shifted dynamic between the three when suddenly, everyone's eyes are on Carly. "I knew it," Sam scoffs. "I knew you were still in love with him, you slut! You say I'm bad, you've been friends with him for longer than I've known he existed and yet you love him, when you're married to someone else!"
Anger and confusion clouds his blue eyes before he says, "Sam! That is completely out of line! Don't you dare accuse her of this when you don't even know what she means yet, or start fighting with her in her restaurant!"
"So that's it? You're mad at me for getting upset with her for having feelings for you all this time? God, you're in love with her too, aren't you? Somewhere, some part of you is still in love with your best friend's wife. This is rich, maybe I should go tell Sonny about this, let him know his wife's a whore and her and you are in love," Sam angrily shouts. "After all, I'm just the baby mama now. Right?"
"Don't say that," he says softly. "I loved you, Sam, with every piece of me and you told me that we were over. That there was no chance of us reuniting. I love you and it kills me, to know you don't feel the same way back."
"You used the past tense. Loved. You corrected it when you noticed. If you're not in love with me, you're in love with her." Sam says calmly, disguising her anger.
"That's not how life works," Carly argues, interrupting whatever Sam's trying to say. "It's not black and white like that, it's covered in shades of grey as well. You, of all people, should know that. Love's complicated. Life's complicated. Don't expect me to be able to answer a question like that easily."
"If some part of your heart didn't belong to him-"
"Some part of it always will. He was my first love, and he's my best friend. He was the first person to show me unconditional love. The very first person to put up with me and treat me the way I never thought I deserved until I met him. So yes, of course I love him. Happy? Satisfied that now you can run back to Sonny and you two can try for baby number two?" Carly asks, the last part coming out as a sarcastic joke.
Jason stands there, stunned but processing it. She's in love with him? That's a shock. Definitely wasn't expecting that when he woke up today.
By the look on her face, Sam wasn't planning on hearing it either. "So you admit you're a whore who used Sonny because you couldn't be with Jason? Is that it? Or is it that you're somehow just coming to this realization now?"
"That's enough!" He says, pulling out of his thoughts. "Where the hell do you get off acting like this? You dumped me, and you're here now it pick a fight with a woman who's my best friend."
"A woman who's in love with you!" Sam says, hurt he's protecting her. "You protect her with everything in you and I can't even get half of your attention. God, I hope you two are happy together. I'm leaving."
No one tries to stop her as she storms off to the elevators.
A slightly embarrassed Carly looks at him. "Look, if I made this weird or anything, I'm sorry. I just- she asked for the truth and I think I needed to get it off my chest. I was planning on taking this to the grave, I swear. You and her are great together, truly, and so I don't want you to feel like you've got any burden to act on what I've told you. We can just forget this ever happened if you want."
"Can we?" He asks, contemplating. "I mean, yeah, I guess we could, but I know you and I know you don't ever give up or hide things. Once your feelings are out in the open, you leave it like that. You are incapable of hiding them."
"I have for this long," she smiles. "So, no pressure, but whatever we do with this knowledge is up to you."
"No pressure? What the hell has happened to you? Are you feeling alright?" He teases, a smirk playing on his lips despite his best attempts to hide it. "I, uh, I guess you're waiting on me to say something?"
"Kinda."
"You... It's complicated."
"No shit."
"Do I love you? Yes, of course I do. We're friends and you've been my family for a long time. When I woke up from the accident, you didn't know about it, didn't feel the need to be careful with me or treat me like I was marked fragile. Granted, we were just having no name sex, but still. And when you found out, you didn't care much. You had Michael, and remember how scared you were? That's why I agreed to take you both in, and it turned out to be both one of the best and worst things to happen to me. We fell into a solid friendship and eventually in love. You word blurted every feeling you had and I just didn't tell you how I felt. When I did, you fucked Sonny because of a misunderstanding. That hurt. But I survived. Came back to town and we were best friends again. The feelings never fully died, but I definitely loved Sam too, still love her to an extent. I just, I don't know anymore what to do to cause the least amount of pain."
"That was emotional, Mr. Morgan," the blonde smiles at his friend. "Maybe you're not stone cold anymore."
He just rolls his eyes and smiles at his friend who's distracting herself. "If you can hide a feeling, anything's possible."
"That felt personal," she jokes. "But where does this leave us? I mean, we both have feelings for each other, but I just so happen to be married to your boss and second closest friend. And you just got out of a long term relationship."
"Absolutely no clue. You're with Sonny, I'm single, and Sam's definitely about to tell him what happened here," Jason sighs. "God, our lives are complicated."
"Seems like my sneaking around plan won't work. Damn. How about my better plan, one where we figure out what we are to each other first," she smiles at him.
"That's somehow even more complicated," he sighs.
"Do you want to explain it to Sonny that we're unlabeled or something?" Carly raises an eyebrow at the man she knows so well. "Exactly. You don't. I don't either but I guess we've got to go with my plan."
"The plan that also involved Sam, the scorned woman, not telling him? Good luck with that," he chuckles, thinking deeply.
The only thing that pulls him out of his thoughts is the sudden feeling of her lips on his. They pull away when he registers what's happening and he looks at her, confused. "What the hell just happened?"
"I kissed you, genius," she smiles at him. "And you didn't kiss back."
"I was thinking," he defends himself. She cocks an eyebrow and he rolls his eyes. "Do you want me to kiss you?"
"No need to be so formal," she smirks and they kiss.
Conveniently, Sonny shows up right then.
To be continued
.-. whY-
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Wake up Call, Infinity Ch.3
Summary: QUEEN AU WHERE ROGER (ROWAN)IS A19 YEAR OLD SINGLE DAD TRYING TO FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD OF MUSIC
WARNINGS: iNTENSE FLUFF AND SOME SWEARING
Chapter 3: Row has to start stepping out of the bubble him and his daughter have been living in while in the safety of the hospital, and break the news to his best friends.
John- Rick
Fred-Len
Bri- Terry
Rog- Rowan
When Row had hung up on Len mid sentence, the boys had been confused. Then again, he was at his mom's house and they had heard her infamous shout of <<ROWAN EUGENE QUEEN>> that always preceded an argument, so they let it go. But then he didn't turn up to rehearsal, or called back for the rest of the afternoon. Or the following afternoon. Or for rest of the week. And that was unlike him. He always called back. (Well, most of his former one night stands would disagree with this). Let's just say he always called his band mates back. Sometimes drunk, at 4 AM, Thus leaving a wakeful Terry with 2 hours to spare nothing to do but to start revising for whatever exam he had ahead.
So, when they didn't know of him, they went directly to the village's police station, to see if he was locked up, and if not, to report him missing.
"What if we ask Gina?" Rick suggested
"I'd rather check the morgue first, thanks" Len said.
"Well, what else can we do? Huh?"
"Audition new drummers"
"Seriously boys. Let's go."
They knocked on Row's childhood home. Gina opened, with messy hair, a dressing gown and slippers
"Oh, hello boys. He ain't here" she took a drag of the 4th cigarette she had smoked that day despite it only being 8:30 AM.
"Where is he?"
"He isn't at home?"
"We've checked and there's no track of him. We haven't seen him in 7 days"
She sighed "in the hospital, I think. If he hasn't left already"
"Hospital?" All three said simultaneously
"What happened?!" Len added
"You don't know?"
"Know what?"
She smiled, mockingly "Wow, father of the year isn't so sure after all"
"What?"
She laughed bitterly. If he hadn't told his best friends yet, it maybe meant he was reconsidering the whole thing. Maybe common sense had hit him after the first stinky nappy.
"You know what? Come in."
"Oh we were actually in a rush..."
"You wanna find him or not? Come in, I don't bite
"Alright" all three musicians entered somewhat awkwardly in the house where so many sleep overs had taken place, back in the day.
She led them to the kitchen, where the phone was, and dialed.
Callie was the closest to the phone "Row? Yes, I'll get him"
She made her way to the room where the Prune had been moved in the previous evening, due to her favourable evolution and the need of free incubators.
She grinned at the scene: the 6 day old infant was dozing against her dad's bare chest, supported by his hands -which seemed huge in comparison to her small figure-. His eyes were closed, but Callie could tell he was awake as his left hand was stroking her head. It was adorable, and they seemed at such peace -poor Row had spent his first whole night on night watch and was exhausted-.
"Row" she called softly
He opened his big blue eyes in acknowledgement.
"You have a call"
"A call? From who?" He whispered back, before looking down at the baby to make sure she was asleep
"Didn't say. But she was kind of irritated"
"Oh, that's mom then" he smiled sarcastically, but didn't move a bit.
"You aren't gonna get on the phone?"
"I don't know. She doesn't deserve our attention does she?" He cooed
"How bad can it be?"
"You don't wanna see my bad side. And I don't ever want her to see it either"
Callie smiled "Go. I'll stay with her"
He groaned in annoyance. He was so comfortable, and he didn't want to get up.
"C'mere darling" he mumbled, detaching his daughter from his lap and carefully lying her on the cot
He exited the room and walked to the phone "What?"
"Row! Where are you?" The three voices of his best friends greeted him from the other side
"Oh, hi guys I... How did you get this number?"
"We're calling you from your mum's. She says you're in hospital" Terry's soft voice said worriedly
"You've gone fucking AWOL! Where are you man? We're worried as hell" Len scolded
"Oh yeah, hehe been..."he scratched the back of his head "been pretty busy" He glanced in the direction of his daughter's room, where he saw Callie readjusting the yellow teddy bear he had bought her the second day.
"Busy? With what?" Rick inquired
"It's... It's a long story."
"Well we've got time"
"Shouldn't you be in uni?" Row said in hopes they'd have to run into class
"It's Sunday, Row!"
"Oh is it?" He had lost track of time, honestly
"C'mon! Spit it"
He sighed "Alright, huh..." He tried to think of where to start. He couldn't really think much tho; his brain was pudge at that moment. "I met a girl in..." He counted nine months back from February "June?" No wait Piper was premature so it could be July or... Then it hit him. "No, remember that afternoon when we set up that Live Aid session in your parents backyard, Len?"
The boys nodded. July 13th. How could they forget? It had been dubbed the best Summer Party of 1985 in town. The four of them had tried to get tickets, but they couldn't even afford a ticket to London in the first place. And so, They watched the whole show with four TV screens around the yard instead, and the whole village had joined them, arguing on which performance had been the best.
Of course, all four members of Symbols agreed that it had been Queen.
"But they signed up late" someone said
"Yea, they came late to the party" another agreed.
"So what? They rocked the party! You just say that because you like U2 better"
"Like you prefer Queen!"
"But we've got a point! Regardless of how much we like them, they were, objectively, the best performance" /
"Objectively? Bullshit!" Anne Williams snapped "They played the same shit they always play! And Bono was a true gentleman, helping that girl who was getting crashed by the crowd."
"Yea, I'm sure Freddie wouldn't have given a shit, so full of himself and his teeth up his~" /
Dennis Phelps couldn't finish his sentence as a someone tossed him a Converse, which hit his head. A young woman, with Bowie-like orange dyed haircut approached, with a bare left foot and the matching shoe on the other
"You know nothing about putting up a good show then. Also, you mess with Freddie Mercury again and next time the shoe will be stuck up your ass" she told Dennis, retrieving the item "I mean, it's clear who I'm rooting for but Queen really did what had to be done. Geldof told them all to play the hits, because that's precisely why they're hits: they work. Other artists, like your boyfriend Bono and his band played new material, as if this was their concert. And it's not. Even though they signed up on time and whatever. They took a risk, crowd didn't know the song, they lost interest. But Queen had common sense: they played the hits, the anthems, and people connected with them. And it's not about Freddie or him hypnotizing Wembley. It's having some common sense. And not even you two knew the lyrics of U2s new song. So shut the hell up"
Row had liked her instantly. That's a girl who knows the stuff.
They exchanged a smile, a wink and a complicit nod
"We must join our forces to help out our friends under pressure, don't we?" She said
"Oh yes, Bowie girl." Terry remembered
"Yep."
"So what's with her?" Rick said
"Well, that.. she..." He cut himself off when a cry echoed in Pip's room "Gotta go, guys. I'll call you back"
"No! Row!" Len said, but the line went dead
"Shit"
"What happened?" Gina, who had watched the scene from the door frame, -and was about to finish her 6th cigar in a row,- asked
"He rambled about that Live Aid day, and a girl he met there"
"Did he say her name?"
"No. He had to go suddenly. It's all weird"
"Yea, well... Life is weird, boys"
"I don't understand. What's going on? Can't you tell us, Mrs. Queen?"
"Oh no. No. It's not my story to tell. Nor my business. I tried my best, but that stubborn bastard didn't listen. I'm sorry" she said
"But is he okay?" Len asked, concerned
Gina grinned, at how despite it all, the four boys would stick up with each other to the end of the world "Yes. He's fine."
"Row, are you okay?" Callie said, as the drummer wordlessly took the bundle from her
"Yes, yes. Why wouldn't I be?" He said, sitting with the fussy baby
"You're a bit pale"
"Oh I... Nothing. Just... I'm nervous honestly. Because we're about get discharged and I'm gonna be alone with her and I'll have to dad around all by myself and... And everyone will know..."
"Know what?"
"About her"
"And is that a problem?" Callie crossed her arms
"No, I mean... No, of course not. But everyone will ask questions and judge me and... I'm worried I will end up believing them more and fuck it all up"
"Believing what?"
"They'll start telling me it's a mistake, that I'm gonna screw everything up and that I won't be able to be a good dad and I'm afraid it will become true"
"So you're saying that how people think of you is gonna affect the way you... How you called it? Dad around?"
He nodded "Well, answer me these, will you? Have you, in this moment or at any point during these seven days, thought you are making a mistake?"
He looked at the tiny bundle and shook his head.
"Are you willing to always do your best for the shake of Piper?"
He nodded, noticing he was unconsciously rocking her back and forth.
"Then what's the problem?"
"Look I haven't exactly been a role model in... Well anything. One thing my mom's proud of is that I'm not into drugs. Everyone who has a daughter in the block hates me. So how am I supposed to raise one?"
"Exactly how you've been doing the last six days"
"Yes but I have you guys. And the medics, and the equipment. But there I'll be all alone"
"You will never be alone. You have the friends you've told me about. And your mum...Maybe the little darling is gassy"
"Oh stop about my mum" he carefully changed the Prune to an upright position and began to rub circles on her back without even hesitation. Wow he was actually getting a hold on the burping stuff.
"Yes. Your mum will eventually come to terms with the lil'raisin. I'm sure." She said, whist handing him a muslin to place on the baby's range of accuracy
"Oh you don't know her"
"I know she's a mum. Your mum and mother's rarely ever turn their backs on their children for good"
Row looked at the baby, then raised an eyebrow at Callie
"I said it's rare. There are obviously exceptions" she said "And believe me you're better off. Also, she did call. That's gotta Mean something"
"I didn't speak with her. Just the band. They were at her place, yeah but... I don't know. I'm not gonna beg on my fucking knees..." He was interrupted by a burp I his ear. Damn, that was a big one. He'd need 2 beers to produce such a loud one.
"Easy, tiger." He laughed "Goddamn it, where did that come from, huh? You're unbelievable" he praised, while getting the muslin out his shoulder and handing it to Callie
"And a neat one too. 10/10." She chuckled
"Atta girl. That's my lil'raisin. Yeah, good girl" he cooed, bringing her to face him, before she started fussing and he nested her again on his chest "Aw, don't cry honey. Please. You're alright. C'mon" he begged. She settled down quickly, and he sighed in relief.
"The point is, that here is like... I feel safe, you know? It's like another world. Another life. And now I have to fit her in my every day, and be in charge and stuff, and... I'm not sure I'm ready"
"Parents are never ready to take them home. Not even those who had 9 months of preparation, and parenting classes, and a nicely decorated and supplied nursery. No one feels ready. But nerves are good. Nerves mean that you care. Worrying and doubting about your ability to be the dad your child needs is precisely what's gonna make you raise your game. Just one last question: are you 100% that you love that lil one with all your heart?"
He looked at his daughter, who had gone back to sleep with the rambling of his voice, as his hand still caressed head and grinned "Hell yeah" Otherwise, how could he explain the way his chest seemed to be holding two hearts whenever she was in his arms? Or how, when he had to leave for the night it felt as though both those hearts were ripped away from him? Or how else could he have turned this goddamn sappy? Yep. That was the proof.
"Then that's all the two of you will ever need. She won't care if you two are rich or live in a cardboard box, or if she wasn't in your initial plans, or that she doesn't have a mom. As long as you love her and make her feel like it."
He nodded, and rested his lips on her soft scalp.
"Right, I Gotta get to another patient. Call'em back."
He stood up, this time taking his Prune along, and went to the corridor where the phone was. Making sure her head was safely cradled along with the rest of her small body on his left arm, he tucked the phone between the right shoulder and neck and dialed their shared place's number
Rick picked up "Yes?"
"I'm a dad" he said simply, and waited for his reaction.
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I’ll post the picture separately in order to preserve my goddamn sanity cause Tumblr is being a pain in the arse!!!!!
How do you guys do it? Am I the only one who needs 5 bloody tries to post this things?
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Content and trigger warnings for:
- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia
- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)
- abandonment by friends
- feeling repression
~~~\\
So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.
I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).
And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.
I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.
When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.
When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.
Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.
My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.
In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.
It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.
A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.
But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.
I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.
I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.
Moral of the story is:
Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.
Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.
Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.
So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.
Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.
#anorexia recovery#bulimia recovery#self love#feels#rant#feelings#depression#anorexia#my past#struggle#victory#pinky
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Ali & Tess
Ali: Ro just left Ali: She said she was going Home so keep a watchful eye out please Tess: What about you? Ali: I've got obs every hour, I'm good Ali: Reckon we'll be fit for discharge tomorrow morning Tess: I don't like you being there on your own all night Ali: I'm fine, there's a wardful, party central like Ali: You gotta look after the others Ali: Might need to commandeer the big room until Singapore Ali: I'll think of a way to make bunking in with Tom worthwhile for Rock and him Tess: You know what I mean, kiddo Tess: The others are fine and your da's sorting out the rooms as we speak Tess: No worries Ali: Good Ali: Good stuff Ali: I'm sorry Mum Tess: I know you are Tess: He's the one that needs to be. More than you Ali: Wasn't exactly part of his master plan, I'm sure Ali: we know its all on me, you were right before Ali: I was being selfish and chicken shit and not only did it mess up Ro like you said Ali: but it really fucked me over too Ali: Boo hoo Tess: He doesn't have one, it's half his trouble Tess: I didn't wanna be right Tess: Rarely do in truth Tess: I've got Ro, you watch out for yourself and the little bab Tess: We can switch whenever Ali: I don't know about that, clearly I've fucked something up royally for him Ali: I should've known better, been better Ali: It wasn't meant to happen Ali: what kind of life is she going to have Ali: and the others too Tess: He did that himself. You didn't get pregnant on your own Tess: You did know better that's why you made him put something on the end of it Tess: And you will be better too, 'cause that girl needs you to be Tess: She's got a family that loves her, she could do worse Tess: They all could Ali: We used protection Ali: why has this happened, mum? its not fucking fair Ali: yeah but she has someone who resents her existence too and i can't stop it Ali: and what if rio and junie lose caleb and all that family for good Ali: because of me and this stupid mistake Tess: I know, baby but life ain't never been fair to none of us. All we can do is try and balance up it up so the shitty end of the stick isn't the heaviest Tess: You can do that Tess: As for the others, say what you want about Caleb, and I have, but he loves the bones of them kids Tess: He won't leave them even if he leaves you Ali: Yeah Ali: You're right Ali: Again Ali: Take it whilst you can 'cos I won't be saying it once I'm out this hormonal state Tess: I've got a while yet then Tess: But yeah Ali: I just feel like the worst person in the world Ali: not only for what I did and what I didn't say Ali: but because, as much as I love her with everything I have Ali: I still can't help but regret her...being her, being his Ali: Don't tell anyone but I thought you might understand because of Ronnie Tess: You ain't though, you're not even the first person to make this mistake Tess: I won't tell anyone because I do understand Tess: Love can be enough, more than, but when it isn't, fucking hell Tess: Not a regret I wanted for you. Or me. Like Ali: I know but Ali: it feels wrong to even call it a mistake, like I'm putting that on her when Drew's already throwing enough negative energy her way Ali: I don't want her to feel it, any of it, ever Ali: but it WAS a mistake...and IS, I can't change it Ali: even with love Ali: how am I ever going to sit there and act like she was planned and wanted and that I loved Drew when I didn't Ali: at least you loved Ronnie's Dad Tess: I was a kid Tess: I didn't know what love was Tess: Not until her Tess: Don't lie to her. You don't need to be as blunt as that about it 'course but don't give him credit he isn't due, she won't thank you for it Tess: You can't change things for yourself but you can change how it'll be for her, make plans about and for her Tess: Tell her you love her and she's wanted, 'cause when you look back on this later, whatever happens, as long as you keep her you won't wanna change it for the world, none of the good memories Tess: Give her them Ali: But I'm just a kid too Ali: and I really love him, Mum Ali: I know Ali: its going to be so hard Tess: I know, and I'm not trying to make you grow up faster than you already are but it was different for me Tess: I didn't use protection 'cause nobody told me about it Tess: I wanted a family 'cause I didn't have one, no love, not proper like Tess: I had my head in the clouds and up my own arse Tess: You have so much more about you, Ali Tess: Not only the IQ Tess: And he's different too, whatever brush I tried to tar him with, he ain't Ronnie's da Tess: It'll be hard and you'll do it anyway, both of you, whatever happens Ali: That makes sense Ali: It wasn't all your fault either Ali: you know that, right? Ali: Thanks Ali: Got to, I know that, of course Ali: I just feel like all I've been doing is apologising and rightly so but I'm dying here too Tess: Yeah it was Tess: I wasn't young enough to pull that shit of not owning none of it Tess: There's a lot of shit I could've done different, should've too Tess: Let yourself feel it. You're not gonna get nothing else done 'til you do and when Caleb shows his face, which he will, you need to be ready for it Ali: Yeah but not all of it Ali: You gave me the talk, like, can't put you on my shit list like your Dad Ali: I don't know how I'm going to tell him Ali: but I did manage to tell Ro so, I know I can Ali: but fuck Tess: Yeah and you heard me, that time, you used protection Tess: That'd be the least of what my da is on my shit list for but whatever Tess: It'll just happen, same as this Tess: You can handle it and he'll have to Ali: Well no but if we're keeping score..lol Ali: He shouldn't have to though Ali: She shouldn't have Ali: ugh its so fucked Tess: None of you should have to but you are Tess: If I could take it on instead I would Ali: Gotta get my big girl pants on Ali: not that I wanna have any material touching down there yet Ali: gonna nick a few of these fashionable backless numbers Tess: Take what you can get, my love Tess: How'd the little 'un find it, not too stressy, yeah? Ali: Yeah, she's sound, hilariously Ali: No drama of that variety, unlike the last time Tess: Have a few more and they'll be falling out Ali: Probably not, eh? Ali: Shame Ali: Fancied breaking your record Tess: Don't even joke Tess: I've only got so many hands, ta Tess: And a doting nan rep to keep up Ali: I'm not Ali: that's the real tragedy, never mind you stocking up on bribe sweeties Tess: There's still a load of time Tess: You're not 20 yet Ali: Not if I'm about to be dumped Ali: I don't want them with anyone else like Tess: You don't know what'll happen Tess: Look at me, didn't expect to meet your da and have you lot Tess: And you can't speak for Caleb 'til he's had a word himself Ali: Yeah but Ali: c'mon Ma Ali: think we both know what's gonna happen Ali: Can hardly blame him either Tess: We've both been wrong before Ali: Never! Tess: Whatever you say Tess: Ain't gonna kneecap you rn Ali: Much obliged Ali: but seriously Ali: I'll leave you to toddler wrangling Rio now Ali: hahahaha Tess: Your son's the one Tess: He misses ya Tess: Fussy bugger Ali: Bless him Ali: Be Home soon Ali: swear I'm not milking being waited on hand n foot like Tess: If you didn't you wouldn't have a home to come back to Tess: Casually disowned for being a tit Ali: Ha Ali: Odlly not in the mood, got things to do Ali: You can tell the others as much as you see fit Ali: I'll fill 'em all in when I see them Tess: Fair enough Tess: See you tomorrow like Tess: Look after yourself you pair Ali: Will do Ali: not gonna ditch your precious grandbaby and dash like Ali: TTFN
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