#This is a continuation/co-piece with the End of the World that I posted yesterday
Text
The Beginning of the World
He dangled his feet off the ledge, peering curiously into the emptiness. The grass grew in thick, wild clumps around him, and his fingers toyed idly with the strands. A crown of flowers intertwined themselves with his hair, vibrant blossoms resting on the soft curls.
His eyes were twin suns, glowing with the blinding light of the stars. His laughter was the wind, merry and fickle. His heart beat in time with the waves. He swelled with power, growing with every beat.
Restlessness overtook him, racing on careless feet. Follow me, it seemed to say.
With a light-hearted bounce, he flipped himself off the ledge, back onto safety. His landing was immaculate, as always. The wind beckoned to him too, begging him to join in the fun, and he obliged.
Life was a thrum of music, a melody of animals and a harmony of plants, the deep bass of rocks and raspy whispers of the earth far below. Fire sang in her soprano, belting out the tempestuous ballad of life and death. Wind hummed cheerfully, irreverent and uncaring of the passions and despairs of mere mortals. Water swirled and splashed in rhythm to the cycles of mortality.
And he, ruler of them all, danced to the tune. It was polka, then jazz, then deep, heavy metal. It roared in his ears, dipping and rising like his breath. There were no words, only raw passion.
He twirled, leaped from treetop to treetop, then fell to the ground with the grace of a feather. Flowers blossomed where he stepped, a vivid explosion of blossoms and beauty. Birds gathered in a circle about him, a halo of sparrows and hawks and albatrosses.
The animals gathered below to watch his frolicking. There were deer with massive, branching antlers, and does with liquid, eloquent dark eyes. Rodents, mice and squirrels and rabbits, stared up at him, noses twitching with fascination. The wolves and lynxes stood side by side, enraptured by him. Time stopped in its passage to admire his mania.
This was the birth of a god, he thought. But a god was ruler of only one thing. He had become something else, something more. And he relished it, throwing his arms in the air to welcome it.
He was in the air, the fluid currents that glided effortlessly. He was in the waters, the crashing of waves into shore. He was in the fire and the earth. He was in everything, and everything was him.
Gone was the forest, gone was the precipice. He thought too small, he decided. It was time to see the full picture. And with the blithe laughter of the innocent he knew all.
Beneath the swirling waters and the murmuring winds lay death, drowning and suffocation, pain and suffering. The gaiety of the fire gave way to the agonised cries of burning alive.
The flowers crumbled to dirt in his hands, the deer and does becoming rotting carcasses. Dessicated bones lay scattered, slowly returning to the earth.
And the screams. Delicious, anguished pleas of the helpless, the grieving and the dying alike. The pain of the lemming in the jaws of the fox, the roar of the bear as an arrow dug into its flesh. The blood and the beatings and the bestings all rolled over him.
Death and Life. Pain and Joy. Bliss and Agony. Light and Darkness, Good and Evil. Everything and Nothing. It swirled in a pot of colours, a whirl and twirl of time and space.
He was Life. He was Death. He was Good and Evil, Order and Chaos. He was everything at once, and yet nothing.
He laughed at the folly of mortality. He laughed at their deaths, with the heedless bliss of the immortal. He laughed at their pain, their passions and their despairs, so inconsequential. His voice tinkled across the world, higher than the songs of the angels, lower than the beating of the world's heart.
And yet- He was a person! He belonged down on the ground, with two eyes instead of a million ones. He belonged with veins of blood, not of magic.
Magic, too, he was the god of. Magic which darted along the skyline, jigged on the edge of volcanoes. Magic who slept with the bear in the winter and cavorted with the fish. Magic that lay in everything, a stream of power that followed no rules, obeyed no orders, save his. He was the master of magic, mercurial, mischievous magic.
Don't, his soul begged. Don't do it. You're a person. Remember? You had loved.
He had been mortal once, he remembered in a dim part of his mind that still clung to those meaningless moments. He had been foolish and young.
And he had loved, indeed.
Love and Hatred. That he was too. He felt it in his bones, the snarl of rage and loathing, the rumble of protection and adoration. It flowed like an undercurrent of magma, molten iron in his veins. Love and hate moved the world, shaped it and moulded it. Fickle things, they were, but he was a fickle being. It suited him just fine.
The little bit of him cried and begged, screamed in haunting melancholia that would have broken any person's heart. No! No! Turn back! Go back to your old self! You're a person, not an infinity!
But he was no mere person, not anymore. Despair was a part of him, beautiful in its gut-wrenching agony.
no. please. It wasn't even a whisper, easily drowned out by the breath of the living. don't forget. Was it even his? It was so desperate, so pitiful, and he so mirthful, that it seemed unthinkable.
With a jolt, he remembered someone, someone who could have said those words. It was hard to think of a single individual, so complex was he. A face, perhaps, quickly whisked away by the annals of time. A person, someone he had loved and who had loved him in return. Naught but a memory.
don't let it end like this, the memory begged. please.
But what did he care for endings and beginnings? He was all, and nothing at once.
no- The voice was gone, forgotten by a flighty God. He tossed it out onto the wind, let the gusts toy with it and laughed along merrily.
His laughter was the harsh wind across the moors, the death rattles of soldiers in a war, the fires crackling as the world burned. It was mocking, uncaring, cruel. Yet it was the chirping of birds in the summer, the giggles of playful children, the autumn leaves crunching beneath running feet. It was bliss, endless and infinite joy. All the emotion in the world was packed into the ringing noise.
The world, he ruminated, was too small for him. He watched life wink out and flare back up, and decided to see more. See further. There were worlds beyond this, stars beyond his sun. He would see it all, he decided.
His gaze turned to the tiny precipice overlooking an endless chasm. It was impossible to focus on it, so microscopic it was. But it was the start of his world, and so it was where he would depart too.
How long had it been? One year? A hundred? A million? The trees had dwindled to gnarled husks, ancient grandmother's curling in on themselves. Capriciously, he laughed at their fragile shells.
He was in the swirling clouds and fluttering leaves, in the sky and the grass, and then in the chasm of the unknown. But he was not in the Void.
He was the Void.
#This is a continuation/co-piece with the End of the World that I posted yesterday#writeblr#writing#my writing#creative writing#writerscommunity#writing community#spilled ink#short story#fantasy#I like writing about dying gods
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
A very long post about No One Is Going to Save You (2023)
I have been proccupied after I watched it yesterday so I'm just going to braindump. The superficial conversation has been about the minimal dialogue in the movie but I have been thinking about the visual language.
The house and costuming expands on the main character, Brynn's abilities and motivations in very satisfying way.
***Spoilers for No One Is Going to Save You (2023) follow***
I saw this interview with the director where he speaks about the house as the co-lead of the movie.
"This is a girl that watches ‘Far From Heaven’ and is like ‘I wish I lived in that world,’” Duffield said. “And then was like ‘I’m gonna antique shop, I’m gonna build dresses, I’m gonna do all this stuff. I’m not gonna have relationships outside my world, so why can’t I live in a Douglas Sirk wannabe world?’ And then you see there’s a flat screen and a laptop and she drives out into the world and you see ‘Oh, this girl’s kooky.”
I watch a few doll house hobby channels and Brynn's character would fit in. The "final girl" qualities of resourcefulness, creativity, and persistence are all around her home making this kind of characterisation some neat foreshadowing for her attitude through the film. From the incredible bird houses to the macrame - quilts - embroidery - and then vintage dresses, Brynn clearly has time, energy and a wide range of skills. And anyone who knows, knows that making things requires a certain potential for violence.
The decor and costuming is a very smart piece of work because there are some vintage and antique pieces, but many of them are also retro recreations or updated vintage. This is consistent with the character of Brynn, who is building an idyllic, anachronistic life for herself. Her home is a reflection of the disparate time periods and influences informing her tastes. The extension of her fantastical nostalgic anxious inner world (the home) is invaded by an external futuristic existential threat (alien burglars). All the contradictions and then retrofuturistic juxtaposition adds to the unsettling experience of the movie
It fits into the It Follows (2015) ambient/nostalgic horror space. I think it has a connection to the post-modern idea of the decay of moral clarity and escapism.
It's also got things to say about money. The house and her shoes and her studio/palace are visibly expensive. When Brynn runs away from the aliens she is wearing the Tory Burch Hank court shoes that are an elevated basic take on "70s classic sneakers" or a take on the (celebrity favourite) Onitsuka Tiger Unisex Mexico 66s or the American version of the Adidas Samba ... In any case, they are luxurious vintage recreations which is true to the whole wealthy American look of the film.
Horror and scifi media can be used as didactic tools for understanding fear (don't believe me, believe Joanna Russ) and I think the movie is doing a fable on escapism in the face of disaster.
"Ours is indeed an age of extremity. For we live under continual threat of two equally fearful, but seemingly opposed, destinies: unremitting banality and inconceivable terror. It is fantasy, served out in large rations by the popular arts, which allows most people to cope with these twin specters. For one job that fantasy can do is to lift us out of the unbearably humdrum and to distract us from terrors, real or anticipated—by an escape into exotic dangerous situations which have last-minute happy endings. But another one of the things that fantasy can do is to normalize what is psychologically unbearable, thereby inuring us to it. In the one case, fantasy beautifies the world. In the other, it neutralizes it." - Susan Sontag
#nostalgia#nostalgia horror#ambient horror#aesthetic#horror movies#no one will save you#susan sontag#alien movie
0 notes
Text
You are Home, and Home is Safe
heyhey ! deciding to just get it over with and post this tonight (for those of you who don’t know what i’m talking about, a post explaining can be found here. side note, please be nice in my inbox, its been rough getting some of those comments). i am, however, going to continue to tag autistic!reader fics with #whenyoucantfindthequiet and #wycftq, so they’re easier to find. hope it’s what you’re after, nonnie, and i’m so so sorry it took so long !!
features : autistic!reader x mama!nat, lowkey asshole Tony Stark (it’s okay i didn’t make him really mean, just kinda well-meaning but misplaced/ mistimed)
warnings : uhhh i guess meltdowns, some self-injurious behaviour
Words are hard. Always have been, always will be.
You haven't always had a family. For years you were passed from foster home to foster home, with a consistent message: you were too much. Your needs were too high, your behaviour too confusing, your struggles too much to deal with. It got to a point where you began to question yourself, your diagnoses and trauma, wondering if it was all in your head or for attention like you were told over and over.
That changed when you met Nat.
It wasn’t immediate of course. There was the initial period of complete and total distrust, of another stranger whose life you were thrust into the middle of, floundering and drowning with no support. There was shutdown after shutdown. The trauma of being ignored and punished for meltdowns meant that you’d learned to internalise. You barely ate, and didn’t speak. But Nat met you where you were, unwaveringly. Was always calm, composed, voice level. Kept food out on the kitchen bench at all times, figuring out your safe foods and keeping them stocked. Realised you liked small enclosed spaces and stocked your bedroom with beanbags, pillows, stuffies and blankets, a permanent blanket fort taking up residence in the living space. Perhaps the most wonderful was her commitment to listening to you, with or without words. The superspy was quick to recognise your shutdown states from body language alone and responded quickly, with two option questions and the request to tap the hand of the answer you wanted.
You almost wanted to feel embarrassed, humiliated, of the accommodations she made so immediately. But she always spoke to you conversationally and never in an infantilizing tone, like so many before her, and the trust you held for her grew. It didn’t always grow in a way that you felt was positive, though. As weeks passed you felt your shutdowns turn into meltdowns and silence into frustrated screams. You didn’t want to hurt her. You didn’t want to feel ungrateful or angry or like any of this was on purpose but somehow she knew. As she held you close after each one she reminded you that your body was unlearning trauma, that you were safe, that you were loved so fully and unconditionally and nothing, including meltdowns, would change that. The way she held you felt like home.
But no one else was like Nat. Social workers were condescending, school was overwhelming, nowhere was safe. So you stuck to Nat. It wasn’t long after you were placed with her that she pulled you out of school, realising that they were doing more harm than good, and she was always there for homeschool. Not looking over your shoulder, but present. You could hear her humming through the walls, or swearing as she dropped a spoon into a pot of soup on the stove again, and it was comforting. It wasn’t the apartment that was home, per say, but having a parent made it feel like one. If she went to the grocery store or a walk in the park you came with, ear defenders on, clinging to her sleeve for safety. She told you that she loved you a million times a day, until one day you said it back.
Words came easier after that. Simple things, like asking what’s for breakfast, became routine. It wasn’t just Nat softly illuminating the cramped space with hummed melodies and occasionally vulgar language but you as well, asking for help with homework or explaining a meme. It felt normal, comfortable, okay. The outside world was too much, but inside your home, the anxiety all but melted from your throat.
You never wanted to leave safety. You wanted to feel it all the time. It was warm and sweet and heavy but in a calm way, like a weighted blanket sinking into your joints. It started as a one-time-thing, after a particularly rough meltdown, but you started sleeping in Nat’s bed. It just felt… right. The panic that set in when Nat left the room and you didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing or if she was ever going to come back was so all-consuming and nauseating that going to sleep alone, in another room, unable to hear her was torturous. What if she abandoned you, gone in the night, social worker beckoning you on to the next uncaring couple, crowded foster family or group home? This way, when you woke at 2am from a nightmare, the first thing you heard was her even breathing. Home. Safe.
***
Tony Stark was something else. Nat eventually started to transition back to work, and, as being homeschooled permitted, brought you with her. Even in classified meetings where you weren’t allowed in you sat in corridors and made sure you could see her red braid through the frosted glass, glancing up from your laptop every few seconds to make sure she didn’t disappear while you wrote your English critique. The rest of Nat’s colleagues (it felt too weird to just casually refer to them as the Avengers and co) didn’t mention your presence, at least in front of you; it was as if they didn’t know what to say or how to say it. Not that you’d say anything back. Outside of the safety of home it was like the anxiety disconnected your brain from your throat, anything you wanted to say cut off before it reached your tongue. It was frustrating. The first few days ended in meltdowns when you reached the apartment and it felt weird and strange and almost like you were two different people but an all-round embarrassment of a child. It was weeks before things settled into a routine and a pattern of acknowledged non-acknowledgement. A pattern Stark ignored.
You were sitting at the island bench in the communal kitchen, drinking chocolate milk and typing out an assignment, when you heard both Nat and Tony heading down the hall towards you. They’d just come out of a meeting, you sitting watch outside the whole time, and Nat had sent you to the kitchen to wait for her while she headed upstairs with Tony to drop off some paperwork to an intern. You hadn’t thought much of it. Sure, you didn’t like being away from Nat at all, but if she was clear in where she was going and how long she was going for (provided it was only a short period), you did okay. It was okay, until you heard the discussion from down the hall.
“Damn, Nat, is that the longest you’ve been away from the kid?”
“No.”
“C’mon, Nat. I know the kid’s been through some shit, but this isn’t healthy. For either of you. What happens if you can’t get out of the mission next time? They’re gonna have to be away from you at some point. You can’t be in this line of work with a barnacle of a kid.”
You’d heard enough. As the topic changed and they entered the kitchen, you didn’t look up from your laptop in greeting.
***
Too much. Too clingy. Too anxious, too needy, too autistic, too much. You needed separation. Give Nat space. Of course she needed to work. The world needed her, and they didn’t need you tagging along. When you got home that night, you headed straight to your room. Buried yourself in the mountain of blankets and stuffies and waited until Nat came to check on you, facing the wall, feigning sleep. You doubt you fooled the former spy but nonetheless, she left you be, a whispered “I love you” hanging in the air as she creaked the door close behind her.
It was seconds before you broke.
It felt like choking. All of the fear that was slowly reduced to an ebbing tide through months of living in a caring environment crashed on you like the mother of all tsunamis, saltwater running down your cheeks and into your mouth as if smothering all the words you wished you could scream. It lasted for hours and hours and it was relentless, painful, as if your heart was being ripped out and an empty throbbing numbness was expanding in its place. You were too much. Too much. Too much.
Nat stood outside your door at the time when she’d usually be gently waking you up, watching you unfurl and stretch yourself out of the cocoon of blankets you slept in every night. She knew something was wrong from lunch yesterday, and your isolation from her was concerning. She figured you needed space, but the sleep she knew was an act sat at the back of her mind and bugged her all night long. Even with that nagging suspicion that something was up, nothing prepared her for the way her heart sank when she came in and saw your body curled up, eyes red and barely open from exhaustion, pillow and face damp from tears.
She was at your side in seconds. Your resolve to cut yourself off melted at the sight of her open arms, safe, warm, home. And immediately your body melted. Hands running through your hair, the promise that you were safe, loved, worthy of support, the request to “tell me next time, please, you don’t need to deal with this on your own.”
For some reason, those were the words that broke out the first sounding sob in the 12 hours of silent crying. It was so loud and gut-wrenching and it almost didn’t feel like it came from you at all and it was such a weird feeling, and all of a sudden you were scratching at your arms to try and re-embody yourself and Nat was breathing calmly and deeply and gently rubbing your shoulders until you found yourself easing back into your physicality.
“Did you hear what Stark said yesterday?”
And just like that she figured it out, of course she did, because she’s a trained spy and that’s her job, to put the pieces together and slot the narrative into place. And god, were you grateful, because you couldn’t see yourself stringing sentences together to accuse none other than Iron Man himself of triggering waves of hurt just by stating what you’d convinced yourself was the truth. She was quick to reassure. You are loved, you are wanted, you are always welcome and will always be her child and what you need will always come first. The warm safety settled itself in your belly and you let the tiredness wash over you, drifting on a life raft of whispered Russian lullabies and Nat’s hand rubbing circles on your back. At peace.
Of course, you’d never tell Nat, but hearing her whisper-yell at Tony over the phone for being an insensitive dick was possibly one of the best moments of your life.
#actuallyautistic#autistic!reader#natasha romanoff#black widow#tony stark#iron man#the avengers#marvel#marvel cinematic universe#mcu#mama!nat#marvel imagine#marvel one shot#mcu autistic reader#natasha romanoff one shot#black widow one shot#tony stark one shot#natasha romanoff x reader#black widow x reader#platonic#avengers one shot#avengers imagine#wycftq#when you can't find the quiet
570 notes
·
View notes
Text
Was It You? Ending B (P.JM)
Warnings : mentions of cancer, mentions of a car accident, memory loss
Word Count : 2139
Synopsis : after losing all but one of her memories, she makes it her mission to find the boy in her memory. fate seems to do her work for her, but is he really who she’s been looking for?
Author’s Note : this is the second ending to the imagine i posted yesterday. i hope you enjoyed both of them!
“Happy Birthday!” He exclaimed with a wide smile on his face. I met his eyes and felt content now that he was here. “I got you a present.” He pulled out a small box with a pink ribbon tied into a bow on top. I carefully took it from his hands and opened it, my smile falling into a pout when I saw the plastic ring inside; a yellow star.
“I don’t like yellow.” I pouted up at him and he just smiled at me, taking a seat beside me, and taking the ring from the box.
“You remind me of the colour yellow. So happy and always bringing me light. And you’re the star in my life.” I looked to the ring in between his thumb and pointer finger and in that moment I never saw a prettier piece of jewelry. “Let’s get married when we get older.” I met my best friend’s eyes. We’re only ten, not sure what love is, but I want him in my life forever.
“Okay.” He slid the ring on my finger the way we’ve seen in movies.
I opened the same small box from my memories, the ring that no longer fits sitting in the box just as beautiful as that day. “Y/N, are you ready to go?” I turned towards my bedroom door to see my mom standing there with a small smile on her face. I nodded, closing the box, and putting it back in the drawer it always sits in before making my way towards her. She placed her aging hands on my cheeks before kissing my forehead. “Happy birthday, sweet pea.”
“All the tests look great. I think we’re in the clear for now.” My mom and I exchanged excited looks as the doctor relayed my latest test results. Tears welled up in my mom’s eyes and she took my hand with a smile.
“Does that mean I can go back to Korea?” I asked hopefully, wanting to return to my hometown and find the boy from my only lasting memory.
“I don’t see why not. You will have to continue with check ups there, but I think we’ve done all we could here for you.” I squeezed my mom’s hand in excitement, ready to get my life back after all these years.
It was only a week later that we were packed and ready to go home. I took one last walk around the house we called home for the last 15 years. “Let’s go or we’ll miss our flight.” We grabbed the last of our bags and slid into the cab that was waiting for us. I’m not sure how I’ll find that little boy who is surely a man now, but I’m making it my mission to find him; my childhood best friend.
3 Months Later
Days went by faster than I was used to. I had a part time job I worked at when I wasn’t in class. Mom told me to take it easy as it hasn’t been that long since my last surgery, but I felt on top of the world being around people my age again. “Hi, Kookie!” I greeted as I walked into the coffee shop for my shift. He waved excitedly as I headed to the back. “Busy day?” I asked when I came up front and took my usual spot at the register.
“Not really, but it’s bound to pick up now.” The two of us made small talk and jokes in between customers. Jungkook was the first friend I made when I returned to Korea. He helps made the lonely days a little less lonely. I’ve had zero progress finding my childhood best friend, even with all the information my mom could give me. I had hoped being back would help jog some memories, but the doctors did warn me that it was possible the memories may never return.
The bell chiming above the door signalling a new customer has arrived pulled me from my thoughts as I greeted him with a smile. When he smiled back I felt my heart pick up pace. Jungkook chuckled as I stumbled over taking his order. “I took matters into my own hands, since you’ve always been a chicken shit.” He whispered into my ear, though he never explained just what he meant.
I found out later that night when I had a new text from an unknown number claiming to be the cute boy from the coffee shop. I smiled and shook my head as I texted him back, apologizing for my co-worker and friend.
No need to apologize. I’m glad he gave me your number. I stared down at his text, my smile growing wider at the implication that he wanted my number.
Me too.
We spent the rest of the night talking when I really should have been studying for my upcoming exam. But getting to know the cute boy, Park Jimin, seemed a lot more important than my grades.
The days passed as I continued to text Jimin and get to know him. We started hanging out whenever we both had free time and I found myself growing fond of his company. I had the same feeling in my heart as I did on my tenth birthday. It made me wonder if fate had done my work for me and brought him back to me. “This is going to sound insane.” I told him as we walked along the beach while the sun set on the horizon. I explained my memory loss. I told him about my only childhood memory; my tenth birthday. About the promise with my best friend.
“Oh my god, you’re that Y/N?” He exclaimed, something clicking in his mind as he gave me a once over, his eyes studying every part of my body. And then he threw his arms around me. “I thought I’d never see you again.” It was all I needed to hear to confirm my suspicions. I allowed my heart to be given to him as he pressed his lips to mine for the first time.
A month after we officially started dating, he asked if I wanted to go to a movie with him and his best friend, telling me to bring Jungkook as well as he wanted to officially meet him and thank him for getting us together. Jungkook and I met Jimin and his best friend at the theatre. Jungkook was staring at his phone as I looked around for my boyfriend, smiling when I saw him walking my way. “Hey.” I smiled as he leaned down and gave me a quick kiss.
“I’m Kim Taehyung.” His friend greeted, holding his hand out for me to shake. I slid my hand into his as I introduced myself. Jungkook did the same, and the 4 of us went to get our tickets and snacks. Jungkook and Taehyung immediately hit it off, laughing about who knows what, while Jimin wrapped his arm around me, saying he missed me.
After the movie, we hit the arcade and Taehyung and I bonded as Jimin and Jungkook got super competitive with each other. “I learned to never play against Jungkook the hard way.” I joked, remembering the day he was teaching me to play some of his favourite video games.
“I learned that about Jimin too.” Taehyung laughed. We were just aimlessly walking around the arcade when my eyes stopped on one of those machines you put a coin in and get a plastic ball with a small prize inside. My eyes scanned the different prizes, smiling when I saw it had plastic rings; one that had a yellow star. “I remember loving these when I was a kid.” Taehyung laughed, scratching the back of his neck as if he was nervous. “I actually got my first crush a ring from one of these.” I looked up at him with a smile.
“Jimin got me one for my birthday when we were ten. I actually still have it. He told me we should get married when we’re older.” I looked across the arcade to see Jimin and Jungkook walking over to us. “I didn’t think it would happen, but I’m starting to really fall for him.” I could see Taehyung’s face fall as I spoke. I turned away from him, pretending I couldn’t feel the new tension in the air and wrapped my arms around Jimin’s torso.
After that day, the 4 of us became almost inseparable, spending all our free time together and making new memories I would be sure to remember for a lifetime. Though, Taehyung seemed to avoid me as much as possible. I tried not to let it bother me and just continue on happily.
It wasn’t until my birthday that things seemed to change. Jimin said he worked that afternoon but would pick me up that evening for a romantic birthday dinner. Jungkook came over to help me waste time until then. I had just finished getting ready when the doorbell went off. Thinking it was Jimin, I rushed to answer, my smile faltering when I saw Taehyung on the other side. “I need to talk to you.” He spit out in a rush, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into my own house. We sat beside each other on the couch, but he got up and started pacing as he tried to get his words together. “Jimin isn’t the one who got you that ring for your birthday.”
“What do you mean?” I asked as confusion took over my features.
“It was me.” He stopped pacing and just stared at me as he said that. “A plastic ring with a yellow star. I told you it was because you remind me of the colour yellow, that you are my star. I lied. I tried to get you the one with the pink heart, but I ran out of change. I practiced that lie the entire walk to your house.” I stood from my seat on the couch.
“Jimin has no reason to lie to me, Tae. Can you please leave? He’ll be here soon.” He opened his mouth to say something else, but I just walked away from him, not wanting to hear another word. I sat on my bed, thinking over everything Taehyung told me in my living room. Jimin wouldn’t have lied to me all those months ago, would he? Why would he lie? The doorbell ringing once again pulled me from my thoughts, and Jimin was on the other side this time.
“Happy birthday, angel.” He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss, and I let Taehyung’s words go. Or at least I tried to. They distracted me all through dinner before I just couldn’t take it anymore. I set my cutlery down, causing Jimin to look up from his plate.
“What did the plastic ring look like?” I asked, needing to know. Say yellow star. Please just say yellow star. I pleaded in my mind.
“It was pink, because that’s your favourite colour.” He smiled as he placed his own cutlery down and taking my hand in his. “Why are you asking, love?” I stared at him as I thought back on the last 9 months we’ve spent together. I thought back on all the love he’s given me and how happy he’s made me. It was my mission to find the man who gave me the ring when we were kids, and I found him. But we’ve both grown up and changed so much. I don’t remember how happy Taehyung made me when we were younger, but I know how happy Jimin has made me.
“It was pink.” I lied with a smile. He knows I lied. I know he knows I know he lied. He smiled at me just like he has these past 9 months. I took my hand back and picked up my cutlery again, digging into my meal I’ve barely touched.
“I was hoping to exchange that ring though.” Jimin said as he reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a small velvet box. “I love you, Y/N. And I know we have so much left to do before we can think of marriage, but I hope you’ll accept this ring. I hope you’ll promise me that you’ll spend forever by my side.”
“Of course I will.” I smiled, looking down at the ring as he slid it on my finger. He grabbed my hand and brought it up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss above where he placed the ring. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” He may not be the man I was looking for, but he’s the man I fell in love with. Taehyung was my childhood, my past, but Jimin is my present and my future.
#was it you?#bts#bts imagine#park jimin#park jimin imagine#kim taehyung#jeon jungkook#kim seokjin#min yoongi#jung hoseok#kim namjoon
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
Glee Live Tour Part 4 - The ShirtGate Essay Dianna published to the felldowntherabbithole Tumblr
Inserting a cut because this thing is long
or skip Dianna’s gay panic and click here to keep reading the masterpost!
June 2, 2000
What does that day, month and year mean to you? President Bill Clinton used that particular day to declare ”Gay and Lesbian Pride Month”. Nine years later, on June 1st, President Barack Obama spoke to incorporate an even wider group. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered citizens alike could all have this month for recognition, respect and appreciation. However, I am aware that not all minds meet equally about the rights and respect that we should pay to others. As each generation leaves their footprints, and paves the way for what is to come…to some, change is an impossible idea or action to put in motion.
You know what? Often, this unfortunate reality is because of learned behavior! As much as we may often preach that we like to speak for ourselves, or outside the box, how many times have you caught yourself, or someone you know repeating the thoughts of another before them? Sometimes without proper information? And how many times have you felt that perhaps further knowledge on an issue or subject matter might result in a different voice, a different understanding? Perhaps even going against the ideas they’ve learned, heard, or grown up around? We have the ability to fly planes, send astronauts into space, develop technology such as cellphones! Things that once were unfathomable. I can sit at this small computer and type this message. Once I push send, this message can be seen by anyone who’d like to engage, all across the WORLD.
As many of you know, we (the Glee cast) have been storming the country at whirlwind speeds to put on a forty-two show, month-long tour. It has been a constant reminder of why we do this. We’ve witnessed the impact our show has had, from the very beginning, to these moments, three years later. You LOVELY & AMAZING fans! Just indescribable. The love, affirmation, and dedication you provide! We see it all, value it all. Trust me, we do! On stage, the excitement that we absorb from your ball of energy brings our adrenaline levels to highs that often-times, we aren’t sure we can reach. Bottom line, we love you guys. And our crew! Without this diverse group of hard-working people, this venture would be impossible.
Yesterday was June 11th, and we were tackling our newest location, Toronto! We had finished our first concert of the day, and I was about to take a moment to relax before the second. On the way to our dressing rooms, I passed a stack of shirts lined up on the merchandise tables. The white T’s were modeled after shirts we wore in a performance set to Lady Gaga’s, “Born This Way.” This sparked an idea. And that idea ended up on stage.
Kindness moves mountains. Acceptance opens doors, makes room for change, diffuses misunderstanding. Every day, people commit hate crimes because of misunderstandings. Hate effects the target, and consumes the person behind the gun. It is crazy to realize that we have been in war for almost our entire existence on this planet. Many times for reasons of greed and hate.
Anyone that has experienced the death or abuse of a loved one can tell you that, “IT HURTS BEYOND EXPLANATION!!! AND WE SHOULD DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO MAKE ANY CHANGE POSSIBLE.” Raise your hand if you’ve spent nights crying yourself to sleep, raise your hand if you’ve felt as if you’d rather hide in bed all day than face the people that make you feel small or powerless! Raise your hand if you’ve felt as if you’d rather lie to people than tell them the truth about who you really are, because at least you wouldn’t be the victim of hateful behavior or prejudice! And raise your hand if lying feels almost as bad.
I was not raised in a family that accepted prejudice or hatred. For that, I thank my Mom and Dad each and every day. Look, we are human, we make mistakes. I will gladly shout from the rooftops that I AM NOT PERFECT. Nor will I ever be. But I can happily say that to my knowledge, I do not ever intentionally cause people pain. I love my family, my friends, my co-workers…and they all consist of girls AND boys. I do tell them that I love them. Yesterday, during our second show, Instead of wearing my usual shirt during “Born This Way” I decided to wear one that said “Likes Girls”. It should actually have read, “Loves Girls”, because I do. The women in my life give me things that the men in my life can’t. And vice-versa. No, I am not a lesbian, yet if I were, I hope that the people in my life could embrace it whole-heartedly. And let me tell you, I can easily spill (quite comfortably) what I admire, respect and think is beautiful about any of the women in my life. Piece of cake!
Last night, I wanted to do something to show my respect and love for the GLBT community. Support that people could actually see. Which is why I decided to change my shirt for the show. I happened to read a few comments that were posted on twitter. Many of you asked, “why?” This is my response. I am not asking for you to agree with what I am saying, but if you are listening, thank you. That is all I can ask. And a step further would be to take a moment to (honestly) answer the questions that I have raised. We can’t always put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. But we can try.
I am lucky to live in a place where I can wear almost anything that I want to express myself, and that jail is not a probable consequence. Which makes me feel as if I should exercise my right to do so every now and then. Think of the people that have died because of their passion and heartfelt hopes of change? So many good men and women. All because of an inherent wish for tolerance, love and support.
Our show celebrates the GLBT community. We are proud to be a part of something that embraces an often avoided topic. Hate is terrible, especially when we pass it down to a new generation of innocents. Recently, I heard a lament about San Francisco. How SFO just didn’t sound like a fun place to be, or visit, because that person wasn’t gay. Wait, really???? I wanted to laugh! But that would have been a response that wouldn’t have encouraged that person to be open-minded. To see that perhaps, their statement was foolish? Why won’t San Francisco be fun for you? Do you think the whole city is gay? Do you think they will judge you? Won’t feed you good food? Perhaps they won’t let you have fun, the way THEY have fun?
Sadly, we’ve gotten letters from people who explain that they love the show but hate the gay story-lines. That we shouldn’t be polluting their children’s heads. To this I’d sometimes like to sarcastically reply, would you also like us to tell them that a stork is dropping off our offspring? That the sky is purple? That it is not practical to be true to yourself, because there are mean people in this world that will make them feel wrong for being honest? That instead of embracing themselves, they should lie to the world? THEY should be the ones being untrue and unhappy?
I believe that if you are bringing a child into the world, you should be willing to accept them in any reality. Whether they are Black, White, Asian, have four fingers, are disabled, gay….that the only wish should be for a happy and healthy baby. We are each other’s children. Unless someone has committed a violent or hateful act, why should we judge? We can so quickly resort to anger, often, the product of a whole other issue. Most often, an issue with our own self.
I understand that I am sitting behind the protection of this computer screen, in this hotel room, and to many I might sound “preachy”. Especially now that I have written an essay. I hope my intentions sound pure, and just. I speak, because I am passionate. I write with this passion because I know how it feels to be hurt, to be depressed, to not value yourself, or your feelings. If any of this has inspired or moved you, even just made you think….I encourage you to tweet or reblog a picture, quote, anything that you feel will continue to spread the love. And if any are interested in tracking the chain, perhaps visualizing the greater collective, include the hatch tag, #letlovein.
Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. - C.S. Lewis
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
Fortune and love favor the brave. - Ovid
AND remember that sometimes….
People need loving the most when they deserve it the least. - John Harrigan
To thine own heart be true. Many thanks for your time, your love, and the gift you’ve given me.
Sincerely,
Dianna Elise Agron
Click here to keep reading!
79 notes
·
View notes
Text
My Curatorial Internship at MSI Part 2
In a very bittersweet conclusion, I finished my internship this past Thursday. It culminated in a visit Friday, August 6th with my family and friends getting a VIP tour of the Museum of Science and Industry, Chicago. My younger brother and his Australian co-worker flew in from D.C. and we picked them up from O’Hare on the way to MSI. We met with Director Kathleen McCarthy first thing after getting and to my utter disbelief got us onboard U-505 as a thank you for all my help this summer. She then let me run the tour onboard a German U-Boat... I am still feeling beyond honored for a privilege like that. She then let me give the tour of Collections and it really brought my short time with MSI full circle. I was asked to continue working on a project regarding a “Reichkriegsflagge” flag someone emailed us that they believe is linked to U-505. So as you can imagine I am thrilled... I broke down the history we have on the flags MSI has in storage and on exhibit. I emailed no fewer than four separate institutions; the German Maritime Museum, the US Naval Academy Museum (who has U-505′s actual War flag it was flying when captured in 1944), the Smithsonian, and to Keith Gill who was the chief Curator of U-505 when it was restored and interred in it’s final resting place within the 37 million dollar McCormick Foundation Exhibit.
What will follow is Weeks 7 - 9:
Week 7: 7/19-22/2021
Monday: I was not feeling well and decided to email Voula at 8AM as I got back home from the train station. I am glad I made this decision because I had a stomach that was in knots and there was plenty of material to work on from home. I worked on the U-505 artifacts list.
Tuesday: I came into the office and had my normal weekly meeting with Voula at 10 AM. We discussed the past week and the week ahead. Fortuitously since I had finished the massive transcription I was available to help on a more pressing issue that came up. The U.S. Navy was coming to give inert certificates and certify any munitions we had that still needed them. This was great because it was an opportunity to work with the Registrar Deanna, and do registration/collections management work. I got half way through the huge U.S. Navy loan files. I will continue next week in office, as tomorrow I am not working but will be on location.
Wednesday: I am not working Wednesday, as I am taking a long time friend and his family from my organization, the 501st Legion downtown. I will hopefully get to show them what I do in Collections; my office, the staff who are in my department and a brief walk through storage. I can't wait to see their faces... they have been following the posts I have been making to share my excitement of this incredible opportunity. The visit went well, and the parents Neil and Andrea are big World's Fair fans (both Colombian Exposition and 1933 Century of Progress.) They were former patron members of MSI before COVID.
Thursday: Working from home I was tasked with making a list of the artifacts on exhibition from the transcription of the U505 exhibit. So taking out the artifacts and making it into a separate word doc that I am sure helps the team when needing quick reference to what is on the floor.
Saturday: I continued the work from the U505 artifacts list and now am porting it to a excel workbook which seems to be the preferred file extension used by Kathleen and Voula (and perhaps Collections in general). Not strenuous academic work (since I already did that) but a lot busy work plugging, copying, pasting, etc.
Week 8: 7/26-29/2021
Monday: I came into the office today and resumed my work on going through the large U.S. Navy loan folders Deanna gave me in a effort to find relevant materials on the German, and American torpedoes as well as a Soviet Cruise Guided Missile, the "STYX." I gathered all my materials and presented them to her, and she looked through and helped me reduce the gathered documents for the most relevant to inertion. I found an actual donation file for the STYX to MSI from the Navy... not everyday you find a piece of paper saying this million dollar, surface to ship missile from the Cold War. This took me to the end of the day.
Tuesday: I came into the office and had my weekly meeting with Voula. This would be our last in person meeting as she is going to Greece with her family this Friday. I made sure to really emphasize how much this opportunity meant to me and that I was going to go the extra mile to wrap up all my projects and try to be as much use to MSI as possible. I had finishing helping Deanna yesterday with the inert reference materials to help her with the U.S. Navy guys coming in next Monday.
Wednesday: I worked from home since I have no shortage of stuff to work on. Voula tasked me with writing labels for the Fire Fighting artifacts I that I made a long project of at the beginning of the internship. Since I created all that in a long, well organized word doc, I can then, like a professional curator, work from my research to create 1-2 sentence labels for each item. I will take that and then input it into a excel workbook which seems to be the preferred file extension for reference purposes.
Thursday: We had another MSI Zoom round-table, and this time we how to brand, and what branding means professionally speaking, and to Museums like MSI specifically. Thankfully being Zoom was able to attend while working from home, which is an absolute godsend (in regards to not having to commute to Chicago, from Wauconda, IL... not that I don't like being at MSI- the commute is long.) I continued buttoning up and polishing all that I worked on so far. This isn't the normal college assignment where I don't re-read it once and make quick improvements (being honest here!) I re-read them about 3 times each, as I am very proud of what little I can contribute to MSI.
Week 9: 8/2-5/2021
Monday: I worked from home buttoning up and polishing all my work for MSI that I've done this summer in addition to finishing the label writing for the Fire Fighting artifacts list. I will port that into a Excel workbook like the U505 artifacts list, just to be consistent (as providing a word doc copy as well.) Long day in front of the computer... I worked roughly 10 hours. I just really want to leave a good, and lasting impression on MSI as a show of the supreme gratitude I have for them and this opportunity.
Tuesday: Today I came in feeling a little bit disappointed it is my last week, and endevour to take as much advantage of it as possible. With my Zoom meeting with Voula (who is in Greece right now) we discussed any last questions I had, and she wanted to say that she will be available as a reference and contact for me going forward which means the world over. Today is my day to talk, and work with the Registrar Deanna. She let me know my work on the Russian Cruise missile STYX was very helpful to the gentlemen from Navy doing the inert certifications. That felt really good. Kathleen also forwarded me a project involving one of the flags of U505! The very SAME one I took a photo with learning how to handle textile artifacts. I am over the moon, call it fate that I sought that flag out earlier. (As a former Combat Arms 11Bravo serviceman, holding the captured colors of an enemy combatant captured in combat is nothing short of incredible. So much so the words escape me. A significant emotional experience for me, personally.) We handled the additional two flags, both of which are the correct dimensions for being a port flag, meaning it was flown in dock, and around friendly waters when not on patrol. We handled both, and I took photos showing the measuring tape next to the artifacts to certify these are what they appear to be, the real McCoy. I will follow up with the author of a book about Hans Goebeler, one of the U505 sailors and find out more about this additional Reichskreigflagge he signed! To be entrusted to do this by Kathleen is very empowering. To help Deanna she had me scan all the Black Creativity Juried Art files from 2020 from artists. These were receipts of artwork we kept, or returned. The scanner allows you save files in it that are available to the department computers via wifi. If she has to pull a receipt on a artwork it is catalogued. Not the most exciting work, but work that needs doing. Glad I got to get a flavor of what it entails to be the registrar and put on a different hat, albeit a simple busy-work one for me to get a grasp at how her work differs from the curators.
Wednesday: I had to work from home this day because of issues with my car. Normally not an issue with the battery but with my dad being out of town for work I didn't have a back up vehicle. I still had plenty to work on to finish up.
Thursday: This is my last scheduled work day for the Curatorial internship at MSI. It is completely bittersweet, bitter that it is over, and sweet in the way that I have all these contacts and incredible experiences under my belt. I have a tour scheduled with Mike Welsh whose in charge of facilities, buildings and grounds. Additionally we will have the opportunity to do a in person round table with Chevy Humphrey, President and CEO of MSI. The day began with a little party/meeting hosted by Kathleen for the new assistant curator, registrar and preparator to help with the projects being undertaken by each position. We also celebrated my last day which was very nice. I got to help unpack a 3D photo studio that was massive, and will be a big help photographing these artifacts for cataloguing and being put online. The meeting with Chevy went well if a little underwhelming because I was the only one asking questions! But, hard to pass up a mostly 1:1 dialogue with the CEO and President of MSI. I came back to collections in which Kathleen presented me some gifts from MSI in appreciation of my help for the summer. What a grand and wonderful experience.
Friday: I took my Family, family friends Mike and Kathy, as well as my visiting younger brother the Assistant director of marketing and communications for Atlas Network in DC with his Australian co-worker Vale to see MSI from top to bottom. It began with Kathleen getting us ONBOARD U-505 and let me give the tour. I had never been so honored, and not to mention the onboard for the sub is temporarily closed for COVID. This meant the world, and it was so very cool to share this with my family. It's one thing to talk about a German U-Boat... it's another to be inside a REAL one. She then took us to Collections and again let me give the tour in Storage and was very generous with her time. I then took them to the Henry Crown Space Center, then into the Smart Home Park to grab a drink. I took them to the Science of Storms exhibit and then used the special staff elevator to speedily get me back to Collections to use my work laptop to do the final meeting with Studio Institute. I had to leave the meeting right near the end because we needed to get home and take care of our 14 year old dog Ziggy, and equally old visiting Griffin. It was great to share my presentation with the rest of the Chicago/Memphis interns. This was the first time Chicago was included on the program and I believe the stars aligned to put where I am today, and what I got to do this summer. Thank you. I will try to make an album on Tumblr of images of my internship this summer and I took them with a storyteller’s eye. It’s a pretty cool linear progression of what I found over the course of the internship!
1 note
·
View note
Text
Dust Volume 6, Number 8
Angel Olsen
Now half a year in the pandemic, we’re starting to see the emergence of quarantine records, whether in the trove of reissues hastily assembled to stand in for new product or home recorded projects made with extremely close friends and family or albums that are conceived and written around the concept of isolation. Music isn’t real life, exactly, but it lives nearby. And in any case, it’s still music and can be good or bad whether it’s been unearthed from a forgotten box of tapes, recorded at home without collaboration or side people or technologically gerry-rigged so that distanced partners can work together. So, as long as you all are making music, we will continue to listen and find records that move us, as the world burns all around. This edition’s contributors included Patrick Masterson, Andrew Forell, Tim Clarke, Jennifer Kelly, Bill Meyer, Jonathan Shaw, Justin Cober-Lake and Ray Garraty. Enjoy.
+ — #playboy (Deluxe Edition) (self-released)
#playboy (deluxe edition) by +
One of the most genuinely confounding records I’ve heard this year comes courtesy SEO-unfriendly artist + aka Plus Sign fka Emanuel James Vinson, a Chicago rapper, city planner and all-around community activist who spends his time helping with the city’s Let’s Build Garden City initiative when he’s not making music (which is frequent, by the way — take a look at the breadth of that Bandcamp discography). The concept with #playboy, originally released in April but deluxed in late May, is simple: Two kids find a music machine called #playboy in their basement and start tinkering with it. Its childlike whimsy is conveyed in the song titles (“Getting the Hang of It,” “Wake Up Jam (Waking Up)”) every bit as much as it is in the music, with occasionally grating indulgences, the odd earworm and a brief appearance by borderless internet hip-hop hero Lil B that makes perfect sense in context; the kindred spirit of that community-building cult auteur is strong here. You may wind up loving this record or you may wind up hating it, but I can promise you this: You’ll be thinking about it and the artist behind it long after it’s over.
Patrick Masterson
Actress — Mad Voyage Mixtape (self-released)
I once suggested Darren Cunningham mucks about with his music because he can’t help himself. That was about six years ago on the occasion of his purported “final” album Untitled; with the benefit of hindsight, we can see he was (like so many others, to greater or lesser consequence) just pulling our leg with that PR. Hell, he’s released two albums worth of music in July alone: The first was the mid-month surprise LP 88, which follows in the vein of his acclaimed high period as an often brilliant, occasionally frustrating patchwork of submersible beats best played at high volume with a low end. The second came at the end of the month in an m4a file shared the old fashioned way on a forum via Mediafire link, nearly an hour and a half long, and per the man himself, “All SP-303, sketchbook beats, recorded this past week [the first week of July] straight to recorder or cassette.” It feels very much like a homespun Actress mixtape and is probably best thought of as livelier accompaniment to 88 but, even still, there’s no noticeable drop in quality — once Actress, always Actress. If headier lo-fi beat tapes are your beat, this will slot comfortably in line.
Patrick Masterson
bdrmm - Bedroom (Sonic Cathedral)
youtube
Hull five-piece bdrmm play a satisfyingly crepuscular version of shoegaze on their debut album Bedroom. Ryan Smith, his brother Jordan on bass, guitarist Joe Vickers, Danny Hull on synths and drummer Luke Irvin combine the widescreen sound of Ride with a cloak of gothic post-punk. Like the late, lamented Girls Names, bdrmm find a sweet spot where atmosphere and dynamics either build to euphoric crescendos or bask in bleak funereal splendor. Bedroom seems deliberately sequenced from celebration to lament. “A Reason To Celebrate” evokes Ride at their most anthemic, the tripping staccato driven “Happy” summons the spirit of The Cure of Seventeen Seconds before the pace drops for the second half, the songs become quieter and darker as the band finds a more personal voice. “(The Silence)” is an ambient whispered wraith of a thing, “Forget The Credits” impressively mopey slowcore. bdrmm don’t always transcend their influences, but this debut is an atmospheric treat if your taste runs to the darker end of the musical buffet.
Andrew Forell
Circulatory System — Circulatory System (Elephant 6 Recording Co.)
Circulatory System by Circulatory System
Nearly 20 years after its initial release, the excellent eponymous debut album by Will Cullen Hart’s psychedelic chamber-pop band Circulatory System gets a long overdue vinyl reissue. While his previous project, the undeniably great Olivia Tremor Control, tended to lean more towards classic psych-pop’s traditional tropes — hard-panned drums, loads of disorientating tape effects, wonky harmonized vocals — Circulatory System taps into something utterly uncanny. Both Signal Morning (2009) and Mosaics Within Mosaics (2014) have their moments, but this is front-to-back brilliant, conjuring a sublime atmosphere of reflective estrangement. The music is a thick, grainy soup of shimmering instrumentation, from the eerie (“Joy,” “Now,” “Should a Cloud Replace a Compass?”) to the joyful (“Yesterday’s World,” “The Lovely Universe,” “Waves of Bark and Light”), but part of the album’s magic is the way everything flows into a seamless whole. As is vinyl’s tendency, the rhythm section really comes alive here, the fuzz bass and tom-heavy drum parts booming out, with plenty of vivid details in the mix swimming into view. A worthy reissue of an essential album.
Tim Clarke
Cloud Factory — #1 (Howlin’ Banana)
Cloud Factory #1 by Cloud Factory
Cloud Factory, from Toulouse, France, overlays the serrated edges of garage pop with a serene dream-pop drift. It’s an appealing mix of hard and soft, like being pummeled to death by pillows or threatened gunpoint by a teddy bear. “Amnesia,” for instance, erupts in a vicious, sawed off, trouble-making bass line, then soars from there in untroubled female vocals. Later, “No Data,” punches hard with raw percussion, then lays on a liquid, lucid guitar line that encourages middle-distance staring. None of these songs really up the ante with memorable melodies, sharp words or that intangible R’NR energy that distinguishes great punk rock from the so so. Not loud, not soft, not great, not bad. Cloud Factory resides in the indeterminant middle.
Jennifer Kelly
Entry — Detriment (Southern Lord)
Detriment by Entry
Nuthin fancy here, folks. Just eight songs — plus a flexing, fuzzing intro — of American hardcore punk. Entry has been grinding away for a few years now, and Detriment doesn’t advance much past the musical terrain the band marked off on the No Relief 7-inch (2016). That’s OK. The essential formula is time tested: d-beat rhythms, overdriven amps and Sara G.’s ferocious vocals delivering the necessary affect. That would be: pissed off, just this side of hopeless. Detriment sounds like what might happen if Poison Idea (c. 1988) stumbled into a seminar on Riot Grrrl; after everyone got tired of beating the living shit out of one another, they’d make some songs. “Selective Empathy” is pretty representative. Big riffs, a breakdown, and more than enough throaty yelling to let you know that you’re in some trouble. You might recognize the sound of Clayton Stevens’ guitar from his work with Touché Amoré — but maybe it’s better if you don’t. This isn’t music for mopery. Watch out for the spit, snot and blood, and flip the record.
Jonathan Shaw
Equiknoxx — VF Live: Equiknoxx (The Vinyl Factory)
youtube
There’s nothing like a little roots music to get you through the sweltering summer heat, and this early July mix by Gavin “Gavsborg” Blair (half of forward-thinking Kingston dancehall unit Equiknoxx) was a personal favorite of the past month for hitting that spot. The group tends to throw curveballs at the genres it tinkers with, and Blair’s mix highlights why they’re so good at it: The crates run deep. Spanning everything from legendary producer and DJ Prince Jazzbo to in-house music fresh out the box (e.g., “Did Not Make This For Jah_9” was released in late May), Blair sets the mood and educates you along the way. Like everything else these cats do (and that includes the NTS show — support your independent radio station!), it’s hard not to give the highest recommendation.
Patrick Masterson
Ezra Feinberg — Recumbent Speech (Related States)
Recumbent Speech by Ezra Feinberg
Knowing that Ezra Feinberg is a practicing psychoanalyst, it’s tempting to read meaning into the name of his second solo album. But be careful to think twice about the meaning you perceive and ask yourself, is it the product of Feinberg on the couch or your own projection? His choice to name one of the record’s six instrumentals (there are voices, but no words) “Letter To My Mind” certainly suggests that there’s an internal dialogue at work, but the music feels most like a layered deployment of good ideas than an exchange of intrapsychic forces. The synthesizers shimmer and cycle like something from a mid-1970s Cluster record, resting upon a pillow of vibraphone and electric piano tones, which in turn billow under the influence of undulating layers of drums. Feinberg’s guitar leads are bright and pithy, like something Pat Metheny might come up with if he knew he was going to have to pay a steep price for every note he played. Ah, but there I go, projecting an implication of adversary process where there may be none. Might it be that Feinberg, having spent a full work week immersed in the psychic conflicts of others, wants to lay back on the couch and exhale? If so, this album is an apt companion.
Bill Meyer
Honey Radar — Sing the Snow Away: The Chunklet Years (Chunklet)
Sing the Snow Away: The Chunklet Years by Honey Radar
Jason Henn of Honey Radar has a solid claim at being his generation’s Bob Pollard, a prolific, absurdist songwriter, who tosses off hooky melodies as if channeling them from the spirit world. His least polished material glints with melody hidden beneath banks of fuzz, whispery and fragile on records, but surprisingly muscular in his rocking live shows. This 28-song compilation assembles the singles, splits, EPs and bonus tracks Henn recorded for Chunklet between 2015 and the present; it would be a daunting amount of material except that it goes down like cotton candy, sweet, airy, colorful and gone before you know it. Like the Kinks, Henn has a way of making strident rock and roll hooks sound wistful and dreamy. In “Lilac Pharmacy,” guitar lines rip and buck and roar, but from a distance, hardly disrupting Henn’s placid murmur. “Medium Mary Todd” ratchets up the tension a bit, with a tangled snarl of lick and swagger, but the vocals edge towards quiet whimsy a la Sic Alps; a second version runs a bit hotter, rougher and more electric, while a third, recorded at WFMU, gives an inkling of the Honey Radar concert experience. A couple of fine covers — of the Fall’s early rant “Middle Class Revolt” and of the Monkees rarity “Wind-Up Man”— suggest the fine, loamy soil that Henn’s art grows out of, while alternate versions of half a dozen tracks hint at the various forms his ideas can take. It’s a wonderful overview of Honey Radar so far, though let’s hope it’s not a career retrospective. Henn has a bunch of records left to make yet if he wants to edge out Pollard.
Jennifer Kelly
Iron Wigs — Your Birthday’s Cancelled (Mello Music Group)
Your Birthday's Cancelled by IRON WIGS
As an adjective, “goofy” had gotten a bad rep in hip hop. Anything that is unusual, inventive and not in line with “keeping it real” is immediately stigmatized as goofy, weird, nerdy and bad. Iron Wigs is goofy but hold the pejorative connotations. Chicago representatives Vic Spencer and Verbal Kent team up here with Sonnyjim from the UK to do some wild rhyming. They collaborated before, but Your Birthday’s Cancelled is a complete, fully fleshed project, masterfully executed from start to finish. Instead of the usual gun busting you get a fist in the ribs. Instead of drug slinging, a blunt to activate your rhymes. Each member of the group has a distinctive delivery which makes you to listen carefully for every verse, no skipping. It’s a relief to listen to rap artists who don’t pretend they’re out in the streets while they’re at home enjoying a favorite TV series. The standout track here is “Bally Animals & Rugbys” with Roc Marciano dropping by for a verse.
Ray Garraty
Levinson / Mahlmeister — Shores (Trouble In Mind)
Shores by levinson / mahlmeister
Jamie Levinson and Donny Mahlmeister’s Bandcamp page indicates that they’re based in Oak Park, a suburb of Chicago. This goes further towards explaining their association with Trouble in Mind Records, which is located in the same county, than their music, which brings to mind something much further north. The duo’s music is mostly electronic, with modular synthesizers setting the pulse and sweeping the pitch spectrum while lap steel guitar adds flourishes and a shruti box thickens the textures. The album is split into two, with each track — one is named “Ascend,” the other “Release” — taking up one side of a 50-minute cassette. The first side trundles steadily onwards, and the second seems to bask in a glow to that never totally fades. Since there’s no “Descend,” it’s easy to imagine this music sound tracking a drive into the Canadian north, the journey unspooling under a sky that never darkens, its progress towards Hudson Bay unhindered by other traffic or turns in the road. Perhaps that’s just one listener’s fantasy of easy social distancing and escape from the present’s grim digital glare into a retro-futurist, analog dream. But in dreams we’re free to fly without being seated next to some knucklehead with his mask over his eyes instead of his mouth, so dream on, dreamers. This tape is volume one of the Explorers Series, Trouble in Mind’s projected program of limited edition cassette releases.
Bill Meyer
Klara Lewis — Ingrid (Editions Mego)
Klara Lewis’s latest recording shows a narrowing of focus. Previously she seemed to be trying ideas and methods on for size, investigating ambient electronics or hinting at pop melody without completely committing. Given the approach to music modeled by her father, Graham Lewis of Wire and Dome, she probably does not feel the need to do just one thing, and that’s a healthy angle if one wants to stay interested and flexible. But there’s also something to be said for really digging into an idea, and that’s what she has done here. Ingrid is a one-track, one-sided 12.” Burrowing further into one-ness, it is made from one looped cello phrase, which gets filtered and distorted on each pass. The effect suggests decay, but not so much the gradual transformation of a William Basinski piece as the pitiless abrasion of a woodworker going over a plank with sander. The combination of repetition and coarsening hits a spot closer to one that Tony Conrad might reach, and that’s an itch worth scratching.
Bill Meyer
Luis Lopes Humanization 4tet — Believe, Believe (Clean Feed)
youtube
The cruel economics of contemporary creative music-making favor an ensemble like Humanization 4tet. At a minimum, the filial Texan rhythm section of Stefan and Aaron Gonzalez (drums and bass respectively) and Lisbon-based duo of Rodrigo Amado (tenor saxophone) and Luís Lopes can each count on having the other half of a band on the other side of the Atlantic. But any project that’s on its fourth record in a dozen years has more going for it than the chance to save on plane tickets. For the Portuguese musicians, it’s an opportunity to feel an unabashedly high-energy force at their backs, as well as a chance to drink from a deep well of harmolodic blues. And for the Gonzalez brothers, it’s the reward of being the absolute right guys for the job; it has to be a gas to know that the heft they put into their swing is so deeply appreciated. While Lopes’ name remains up front, everyone contributes compositions, and everyone gives their all on every tune.
Bill Meyer
Joanna Mattrey — Veiled (Relative Pitch)
Veiled by Joanna Mattrey
This solo CD, which closely follows a collaborative cassette on Astral Spirits, is only the second recording with Joanna Mattrey’s name on the spine. But Mattrey is no newcomer. The New England Conservatory-trained violist has been playing straight and pop gigs for a while. If you caught Chance the Rapper on Saturday Night Live, Cuddle Magic with strings or a host of classical gigs around New York City, you’ve seen her. But if black dress and heels gigs pay her bills, improvised music nourishes her heart. And if sounds raw enough to scrape the roof of the world nourish yours, this album is new food. The premise of Veiled is finding veins of concealed beauty concealed, and that search impels Mattrey to tune her viola to sound like a horse-haired Tuvan fiddle, clamp objects to the strings and blast her signal through some satisfyingly filthy amplification. And whether it’s a slender tune or a complex texture, the reward is always there.
Bill Meyer
Angel Olsen — “Whole New Mess” single (Jagjaguwar)
youtube
Everyone processes a breakup differently (though, to be fair, that’s probably less true now than ever). For Angel Olsen in 2018, it meant retreating to The Unknown, a century-old church in Anacortes, Washington, that Mount Eerie’s Phil Elverum and producer Nicholas Wilbur made into a recording studio. What ultimately came from those sessions was All Mirrors, but Whole New Mess is a chance to revisit that album (fully nine of these 11 songs are ones you’ve heard before; only the title-track and “Waving, Smiling” are new) in a more intimate framework — just Angel, a guitar, a mic and her reverberant heartache. The most cynical view to be taken here is that it’s a stopgap capitalizing on people’s vulnerability amid a pandemic quarantine, but it could also be a corrective for the bloat of All Mirrors, a record I listened to once and haven’t thought about since. Late Björkian excess doesn’t suit her nearly as well as the light touch delivered herein, and your interest will similarly hinge on how much Whole New Mess sounds like the old one.
Patrick Masterson
Ono — Red Summer (American Dreams)
Red Summer by ONO
Ono, the long-running noise-punk-poetry-protest project headed by P Michael Grego and travis, tackles the Red Summer of 1919, evoking the brutal race riots that erupted as soldiers returned from World War I. During that summer, conflicts raged from Chicago to the deep south, as white supremacists rioted against newly empowered returning Black veterans and an increased number of Black factory workers employed in America’s northern factories. Ono captures the violence—and its links to contemporary race-based conflicts—in an abstract and visionary style, with travis declaiming against an agitated froth of avant garde sound. “A Dream of Sodomy” lurches and rolls in funk-punk bravado, as travis declaims all the nightmarish scenarios that haunt his nocturnal hours, while “Coon” natters rhythmically across a fever-lit foundation of hand-drums, mosquito buzz and flute. “26 June 1919” wanders through a blasted, rioting landscape, sounds buzzing and pinging and roaring around travis’ fractured poetry. “White men, red men, Manchester town, send ‘em home, Oklahoma, send ‘em home, in a Black man house, send ‘em home, send ‘em home,” he chants, ominously, vertiginously. The center isn’t holding, for sure. The disc closes with the uneasy truce of “Sycamore Trees,” where steam blasts of synthesizer sound rush up and around travis’ vibrating, basso verses about meeting under the sycamore trees, a metaphor like the blues and gospel and nearly all Black music is full of metaphor about reuniting in a better place. Powerful.
Jennifer Kelly
Julian Taylor — The Ridge (Howling Turtle, Inc.)
youtube
Singer-songwriter Julian Taylor does the little things well. That's not to say that he doesn't do the obvious things well, too, on his latest release The Ridge. His easy voice fits his songs, letting autobiography come with comfortable phrasing. As a writer, he tends toward the straightforward, avoiding extended metaphors or oblique references. The title track considers a particular form of life, and Taylor sticks to the tangible, singing about the stable, “Shovel manure, clean their beds, and prepare the feed for the day.” Taylor's songs make sense of the immediate world and relationships around him, but they avoid woolgathering. The album feels a bit removed from the current climate, but that's no complaint when Taylor's developed a welcoming place to visit. It isn't always easy here, but it's always companionable.
But back to those little things. Each song has carefully detailed orchestration and production. The record goes down easy whether tending toward James Taylor, Cat Stevens or something closer to country, and much of that easiness comes from the precise placement of every note. Burke Carroll's pedal steel, for instance, never exists for its own sake, but to serve the lyric that Taylor sings. The album contains enough space to feel like a rural Canadian ridge, with details drawn into to support Taylor's direct stories. The Ridge could easily go unnoticed (unobtrusiveness not being a highly rewarded trait), but its subtlety and care make it worth taking your boots off and sitting down for a minute.
Justin Cober-Lake
Various Artists — For a Better Tomorrow (Garden Portal)
For A Better Tomorrow by Various Artists
Compilation albums loom large in the American Primitive Guitar realm. Takoma, Tompkins Square and Locust all had larger ambitions than merely offering a sampling of wares, and to them, Garden Portal says, “hold my beer. I’ve got some collecting and playing to do.” For A Better Tomorrow started out as a Bernie Sanders fundraising endeavor. But when Bernie bailed and COVID-19 came on the scene, Garden Portal pivoted to support Athens Mutual Aid Network, an umbrella organization that coordinates aid to the underserved in this trying time. But in addition to good works, there’s some good work going on here. Not all of it is guitar-centric, but even the tracks that aren’t are close enough to the strings and heart template of the aforementioned parties to merit consideration under the same rubric. Joseph Allred’s been ultra-productive recently, so it’s actually helpful to be reminded of the spirit that infuses his playing by listening to it one track at a time. Rob Noyes’ “Diminished” takes the listener on a deep dive into the construction of sentiment and sound. And Will Csorba’s Pelt-like blast of fiddle drone, “Requiem for Ociel Guadalupe Martinez,” will put your hair up high enough to make that self-inflicted quarantine do a bit easier to execute.
Bill Meyer
Various Artists — The Storehouse Presents (The Storehouse)
The Storehouse Presents by The Storehouse
The coronavirus pandemic put the brakes on many things. You doubtless have your own list of loss, but for the proprietors of The Storehouse, the catalog of things kissed goodbye directly corresponds to their endeavor’s inventory of reasons to be. Over the past few years, the Storehouse has invited audiences out to a West Michigan farmhouse to enjoy a potluck meal and a concert played by some musicians of note. If there had been no lockdown, listeners could have enjoyed the Sun Ra Arkestra last April. Instead, no one’s playing, and no one’s getting paid, so the Storehouse has compiled this set of live and exclusive studio tracks to sell on Bandcamp in order to benefit the musicians and the Music Maker Relief Foundation. The cause, is good, but so are the tunes. Want to hear Steve Gunn and William Tyler in sympathetic orbit? Or Joan Shelley pledging her love? Or the first hints of Mind Over Mirrors’ new direction? Step right this way, preferably on one of 2020’s first Fridays.
Bill Meyer
Z-Ro — Rohammad Ali (1 Deep Entertainment / Empire)
youtube
On one of his previous tracks, Z-Ro admitted that he’s basically just writing the same song over and over again (that’s how meta he is now, writing songs on writing songs). While he exaggerated a bit, he was not that far from the truth. In the last half dozen years he’s been writing the same three or four songs in various combinations, reconfigurations and forms. Rohammad Ali follows the same template: haters hate him, but he’s OK and is counting his money. Multiply this by 17, and here is the album. Despite this self-cannibalizing (lots of poets did that), Z-Ro with every new album sounds fresh and far from tired. The self-repeats just fuel him. Rohammad Ali has only one rap guest, and it’s Shaquille O’Neal whose rap career didn’t jump off in the 1990s. A lack of guests only proves that Z-Ro can self-sustain without support from the outside. The only thing from the outside he needs is hate.
Ray Garraty
#dusted magazine#dust#+#patrick masterson#actress#bdrmm#andrew forell#circulatory system#tim clarke#cloud factory#jennifer kelly#entry#jonathan shaw#equiknoxx#ezra feinberg#bill meyer#honey radar#iron wigs#jaime levinson#donny mahlmeister#ray garraty#klara lewis#luis lopes humanization 4tet#joanna mattrey#angel olsen#ono#julian taylor#justin cober-lake#garden portal#the storehouse
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Alright so I’ve been wanting to do this since forever but it’s Obiyuki week, and since I have nothing to show for it (oops), I’m going to make a post about some of the great Obiyuki content (and creators) this fandom has been so blessed with over the past few years. So here goes:
@sabraeal (check her out on AO3): Tbh, Jen’s writing is so very inspiring. I have never been more blessed to be a part of a fandom with someone as talented and down-to-earth as her. I feel like my writing has improved so much just from reading how she tells her stories. I remember I used to struggle a lot with story flow, and would get endlessly caught up in descriptors. Jen’s stories have shown me that you don’t have to stay there just to make your story pretty - you can use so many other things; dialogue, inner thoughts; to move your readers. So thank you Jen for your lovely fiction! Some of her stories that I love, love, love!!
Seven Suitors for Shirayuki: One of my first Obiyuki fics, and gosh I was completely blown away when I first read this. It’s like finding the ocean after years of puddle jumping (in the words of Sarah Kay) HAHA. Literally, I’ve never read such eloquent and lovingly-created fanfiction (and probably fiction) in my life.
The Wide Florida Bay series: Let it never be said that modern AUs are cheesy. I remember being completely put off by the notion of having the characters I loved in a modern setting (because that’s not where the belonged!!) but Jen does it again with this modern AU that has me completely sold! This AU is so intricately crafted down to the last detail, I’m so in awe of how much it corresponds to canon. I also love love all the added elements to Obi (like his backstory (Bob and Gayle!!) and him joining in on the research as well!) Absolutely amazing!
Sensitive Negotiations: Ahhhh this is more of a guilty pleasure of mine because I’m a sucker for drunken confessions. Although not complete, it’s enough resolution to keep me happy hehe. I love how Jen has depicted how much Obi respects and loves his mistress, and protects her from the evil that is alcohol HAHA. ‘tis great and heartwarming and hilariously heart wrenching as well!
@bubblesthemonsterartist (check her out on AO3): JoannaaaAAAaaaaAAA (i.e. me screaming as I jump head first into her fics) Man, Joanna is so so so so good at writing angst and hurt/comfort. I absolutely adore that broken vulnerability that she portrays in her characters, and that strength that comes after healing. Her fics are some I always love to come back to when life gets hard and I need a good cry preceding a pick me up to move forward. Thank you Joanna!! Some special mentions:
Watchtower series: The second! fic I read as a virgin Obiyuki shipper (ew that sounds weird). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reread this series. There’s so much P A I N and it hurts so good. A very realistic continuation of canon that paints a background of how court life may be Too Much for plebeians like Shirayuki and Obi (haha) and a heartbreaking portrayal of broken relationships and betrayal between trusted ones. Gosh I’ve made it sound so depressing, but it actually turns out really great (all the newfound family feels!!!) Do check it out!
i am become death: this is just absolute poetry! It depicts one’s descent into madness, stopping short of losing oneself, and then finding meaning again. Brilliant imagery and a terribly chilling take on what-could-have-been a terrible Tanbarun arc if things went wrong. Superb!
I Should’ve Met You Yesterday: I fell completely in love with this AU. I mean put dad!Obi together with I-really-want-to-help-but-also-you’re-hot!Shirayuki (mostly dad!Obi tbh, haha) and you get a ridiculously adorable fic with a dash of pulling-at-your-heartstrings. So cute and so lovely. A must-read!
@ruleofexception (check her out on AO3): I feel like Beth (i hope I got your name right sobs - if not, I’m terribly sorry) was like a co-creator sister to me at one point. I remember this one time during one of the Obiyukiweeks (haha who am i kidding I only participated in the 2017 one), we ended up pretty invested in each other’s fics haha. Thank you for that wonderful dynamic - I really never experienced that in any fandom before :)
Unwilling: Yup, this is the one I was talking about. I remember being so incredibly hyped up by it and wondering what would come next (it was when I went for an overseas conference too haha couldn’t concentrate oops) and being so happy that it was Obiyuki week and I would know what would happen the next day! I love love loved the descriptions used here, particularly the ones about the beast/monsters inside of Obi - just so beautiful!
Knowing You: this premise was so interesting and adorable. But also if I had a voice in my head, I would really think I was going crazy hahaha. But I love how this turned out in the end <3 (I know it’s not ended fully yet, but where it is now just makes me really happy hehe). I loved how Beth resolves tension and pieces together parts of the story into a very good resolution that makes you feel like reading her story was absolutely worth it (((:
Damned: Ah yes, the premise where I’m still squinting my eyes at and wondering what’s going on and WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN OMG THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. An extremely poignant narrative of a post-apocalyptic world (set outside canon of course) that doesn’t feel overdone in the slightest! This fic triggers fear and joy in all the right places, and you really feel like that interactions between characters are so real. So good!
@infinitelystrangemachinex (check her out on AO3): By far the fic writer who has one of the best descriptors I’ve ever seen. The scene just falls into place with every word in a way that reminds me of an artist painting on a canvas with a magical paintbrush. You get immersed immediately. Amazing, amazing writing.
Fugue in Three: I remember describing this fic as something that tears my skin from bone, because of how excruciatingly painful (in a good way) it was to read about Ryuu calling Obi “Dad”. Whatever she wrote about how Obi reacted to that, I felt it too - gosh did I feel it too- that choking in the throat, that pounding in the heart to the brain, I FELT IT when I read this fic. So powerful and so poignant. Extremely humbled after reading this, and so inspired!
Saint Elmo’s Fire: Another fic that throws you immediately into the scene and leaves you gasping for breath. The writing really puts you in the characters’ shoes and it’s as if you’re the one clawing for breath, or struggling to keep warm and gosh- if only I could write like this one day.
The Automaton Heart: Something a bit more light-hearted and lovely. I love the slow descent into love between the two - so cute, yet so real. Another Modern AU that I love (that breaks my heart sobbles) love it hehe!
Ok definitely not done, but it’s late. I’ll do a part 2 when I have time!!! There are so many more!!!
#obiyuki#akagami no shiryaukihime#ily guys#thanks so much for creating#really#so inspired by you all#also fun fact#i wanted to pee when i started writing this#but one hour later#i have yet to pee#so im gonna go pee now#bye
33 notes
·
View notes
Text
My Miscarriage Journey
Today: Tuesday, October 1st
On October 1st, 2019 our journey of parenthood was put on an indefinite pause. What started as a routine check-up for the day became our worst nightmare. The second you find out you're pregnant is the most exciting and terrifying moment. You immediately change everything you are doing to ensure your baby is healthy. For me, unfortunately, our baby was not going to be. When I met my midwives that morning I went in for a Doppler check. My midwife was going to look around to find our baby's heartbeat. We couldn't find it the week before. She told me before she had even started last week not to worry if that happened since the baby could be behind my pubic bone or could still just be too small. When we didn't hear it we scheduled a recheck for next week once the baby grew a little more and I kept my bladder full for the check so that my uterus would hopefully be in a better position to finally meet our baby. Three midwives tried with no success. They told me a number of things could be happening, maybe I'm not as far along as we all thought, maybe my uterus wasn't shaped the way it was supposed and baby is just in a different spot, or maybe I was experiencing what is called a missed miscarriage. I left their center and headed to get an ultrasound. Jacob was at work for the day because we thought I was going to be having an easy check-up and I would be leaving with a video for him so he could meet our baby. When I got to the radiology center and saw what was happening I immediately knew this wasn't good. I spent a long year as a vet tech and have seen lots of ultrasounds. I had lots of pregnant friends and knew what I should see. I have a biology degree and have studied a lot of reproduction. When the tech turned the screen my way I saw my uterus. And I saw where my baby should be and wasn't. She decided she wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound to be sure. If you know what this is then you know this is the last thing you want to be doing as your fighting back tears waiting for the inevitable. We found that although I was past 12 weeks, my baby stopped developing around week 7. My body still thought (and still thinks as I write this) that I was pregnant. I now have to walk around for who knows how many days still being pregnant and waiting to labor this child. Jake and I spent the day sobbing. Wondering what we could have done differently. I spent my time talking with God. Asking him if he had changed his mind about thinking if I was going to be a good mother. We told our family and friends and bosses that we would be missing for a while. That we were not going to be meeting our sweet baby in April. That our dream was ending for now. And that we wanted some time and space to process. Right now it's 6 am. I've fallen asleep for 2 hours. My mind can not shut off. I can't stop thinking about how this fight isn't over and I still have to “have” this baby. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we already announced because things were good. I was really sick for weeks so that must mean we have a healthy baby. My body still thinks I'm pregnant. I spent 4 hours last night having reflux and puking. But I still have not had a bit of spotting. We haven't taken a step toward “having” this baby. Part of me wonders if I just keep going along like I'm pregnant maybe God will perform a miracle. But most of me doesn't want to hold onto any hope because that would hurt more. It's crazy how quickly the best season of your life turns into the worst.
72 Hours Later: Friday, October 4th
Take day 3. It's been over 72 hours since we found out we lost this baby. I haven't made any progress in “having” this baby. I am angry. And I'm drinking and I'm almost entirely dependent upon my anxiety medication. My husband who never cries is crying a lot and I don't know how to help. I'm ready to have this child, bury this child, and begin to move on. This is the most challenging, devastating, and world-altering. I have so many doubts? Will I ever be able to be a mother? I want to try now, as soon as possible, but Jake's pain is too much to get there now. Will I ever heal from this? Am I capable of going on?
6 Days Later: Monday, October 7th
Yesterday I called my midwife sobbing. I just can't wait for my body to do this anymore. I can't keep walking around like everything is fine with my lifeless angel inside me. Help. I'll get the pill on Tuesday. I'm reading the same scriptures over and over and over. Jake finished a 1000 piece puzzle in 8 hours and didn't sleep last night. I hid in the office at work all day because I can't afford to not be there. Worship music non-stop. Jesus as much as possible. And literal devastation. How can you miss something that's still inside you? We decided to name our baby even though we don't know what it is. Our baby deserves a name. Emerson, it means brave and powerful (I just keep referring to her as Emmie because I had so many dreams about it being a girl). Exactly what our angel is. And exactly what we will have to be these next few months. I'm planning a tattoo of rosemary their purple blooms which signify love and remembrance and I've decided our baby is a honeybee. All my dreams and plans during this pregnancy have been around bees. When I looked up their meaning I found that they extract sweetness from life, and represent abundance, brightness, and personal power. Because of our sweet little baby bee our family will learn all of these things this season. And now, we wait to finally do this tomorrow; have this baby.
Tuesday, October 8th, 11:55 PM
Preparing for a long night ahead as I FINALLY started bleeding. As absolutely devastating as this moment is I'm so relieved to finally let this baby move through my body naturally and I'm it's timing. I was scheduled to pay another $300 tomorrow for another ultrasound for confirmation to get the medication. I am praying to God and have been asking him to let this be the way this happens. So now. At midnight Jacob and I are running to Walmart for freaking incontinence pads for old people. All because we decided we wanted to love each other a little tonight and I guess that's all baby needed. To know Jake and I still love each other. (He will literally hate me for that but guess what most happy marriages have sex lives, it's totally biblical y'all). Part of me feels terrible for celebrating right now and I know it won't feel like this as the pain and bleeding continue but right now, I'm proud of Jake and me for getting through this and so proud of our baby for trying as hard as it could in this short little life.
Wednesday, October 9th, 10:00 AM
Well, I barely bled at all so to the Dr. we go to get this process rolling for real. Last night I held my tummy and told my baby how proud I am of him or her. It fought so hard for this life. And it's fighting so hard to get to the other side of this life. I'm so ready for us all to be at rest and be ready to heal. Jacob and I are realizing how perfect God's timing is. Although we were pretty annoyed when we didn't get to go on our Labor Day cruise I can now see that God perfectly planned this time away for us. I'm believing it's going to be so healing. And it also helps give me perspective that God knows exactly what he's doing with this little babe. They were just too precious to be earthside. I find a lot of comfort knowing we have a personal angel caring for us from above.
Wednesday 5:30 PM
Here we go. Pain. Cramps. Aches. I'm tired already and it hasn't even begun.
Thursday, October 10th, 1:00 AM
3 pills in. I'm finally losing my mind. I just woke up Jake with my crying because I officially feel like I have lost at the game of life. I currently feel insufficient as a wife, a friend, an employee, and especially as a mom. I'm looking back on this year and honestly, it has been the most miserable and lonely year of my life. And this moment has been by far the hardest. There is no pain that can compare to watching pieces and clumps of cells that should have been your child fall out of you. And having to force your body to do it with pill after pill because after 7 weeks it still won't understand that it's not going to have this baby. I don't recognize myself or my life anymore. For the past 8 weeks we've known about this baby I finally felt purposed again. I was working toward a goal. A life that I saw so much fulfillment in. And all of a sudden it's just gone. Nothing can prepare you for these moments. I'm so deeply pressed for anyone who has ever and will ever do this and I'm trying to imagine how I will dig myself out of this. Here's what I know, one, I will not apologize for doing the things that are best for me and two, I will speak up about this experience as much as possible because this baby deserves a memory and this experience deserves to be de-stigmatized. My head is throbbing, my back is throbbing, the pain is so deep in my abdomen that I am nauseous yet nothing else is happening. I'm just exhausted. Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally. I'm fried.
Thursday: 8:30 AM
I was wondering why everyone kept saying you would know when it happened because I really didn't think I would know, but then it happened. Feeling dizzy, nauseous, and a little more empty. I love you little babe.
Friday, October 11th
Today we took what remained of our little and planted a tree. It’s the first thing I see every day when I walk in the door.
Sunday, October 13th - Sunday, October 20th
Time for “vacation” In the photos we took and posted are beautiful mountain ranges, conquered fears, crystal clear oceans, and lots of smiles. On the other side of those photos was a lot of time spent mourning and grieving. While I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to have moments like these it does not change how hard these past few days/weeks have been. I'm so proud of the steps Jacob and I took to enjoy this vacation as much as we could. I'm happy to say we have learned so much and are a stronger couple now than we were just weeks ago. But I would be lying if I uploaded all those smiles and didn't share the tears that were behind them each and every day. At the dinner table. On the beach. At the top of a mountain. There's no convenient time to suffer loss. While others might forget, Jacob and I will not. While others might feel it's time to move on, I'm not ready to. While others think we are supposed to smile, we have to cry. Don't mistake this for a pity party, but understand that miscarriage is excruciating on your mind, body, and soul. It's time we start being more honest with ourselves and others with the state of our hearts. I wanted to shed some light on our week. I wish I could say our vacation was all I hoped for and that I experienced so much healing during this time as I wished I was going to, but I didn't. I hope this encourages someone else today to know that it's ok to not be ok for a while and to be a little more honest with themselves and others about the state of their heart. I'm confident God has a plan for this as he works all together for good.
Monday, October 21st
I went back to work today and spent the night before sleeping a total of 2 hours and having panic attacks all night long. I spent my lunch break having one of the worst panic attacks I ever had, my breathing was so stifled I almost called 911 I was sure I was going to pass out. I walked away into the back office and cried for over an hour because someone asked me if I had kids… I’m feeling like it’s impossible to live in this world now. This whole process and loss hurts more now than it did when I found out or as I was living the miscarriage itself. I am literally dragging myself out of bed day to day as a necessity and 3 times my normal dose of meds still aren't doing the job. So I guess the whole gist of this whole story is… It’s ok to not be ok...
...I struggled with where to end this post because truly the end of this post isn’t the end of this process, but I hope this gives you insight into the brokenness of this process for so many women. I’m happy to answer any and all questions surrounding this devastating situation. Education is power, in all circumstances.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 4.5
Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.
Last time in chapter 4, Maki opened up about her past, she and Shuichi and Kaito were ADORABLE FRIENDS, Kaito was a huge hypocrite on the topic of burdens, twice, Kokichi helpfully suggested some improvements to Monokuma’s script like an absolute moron, and Kaito’s bonus training for his sidekicks was totally not him desperately trying to prove that they still need him or anything.
Now for the last of chapter 4’s free time!
Shuichi: (What can *I* do? The only thing I’m good at is solving mysteries, but I can’t figure out this academy.)
That’s not the only thing you’re good at, Shuichi! Your detective’s brain also makes you pretty good at coming up with plans. That plan with the cameras in chapter 1 was really not a bad plan if you ignore the fact that the entire premise of it (that the mastermind wouldn’t have a way of knowing about it) was flawed. But of course Shuichi wouldn’t think that or want to attempt something like that again since it indirectly got Kaede killed.
Keebo: “What can we each do to make sure that we all survive…? We all possess Ultimate talents. There *must* be something we can do.”
YES IT’S ALMOST LIKE THE ULTIMATE ROBOT COULD GET US OUT OF HERE OR SOMETHING.
Geez. I was mostly not being too mad at Keebo because I figured he was largely oblivious to the difference his weapons could have made anyway, but this makes it a whole lot less excusable. (And again, there is no indication given that he’s not doing so because of his inner voice, which is the only truly justifiable reason that would make sense within the story.)
So that’s even more reason for me to not hang out with Keebo here like I wasn’t going to anyway, because that should by all rights lead to Shuichi persuading him to use his weapons and get everyone out of here today. And that’s obviously not in line with canon.
Gonta: “Hi, Shuichi! How can Gonta help you today?”
Heh, this mostly just sounds like a polite, gentlemanly greeting, but in this chapter’s context, it definitely has undertones of “please tell Gonta he can help you today, Gonta really wants to be able to help you today”. Sorry, Gonta, I’d love to, but we’re already best friends; Shuichi needs to spread his friendship around others too.
Miu is in the computer room as she was all day yesterday as well, but interestingly, right now Kokichi’s hanging around in the corridor not too far from it too. He does apparently help her set things up for their Virtual World trip, so maybe that’s what he’s doing right now.
Despite Kaito not showing up anywhere on the Monopad’s map due to what is presumably a programming oversight (even characters who aren’t available should have their locations shown, with the understandable exception of Kokichi in chapter 5), he does exist during this free time slot and is perfectly available to hang out. The wiki says he is unavailable right now; the wiki is wrong. He’s in the warehouse. You’re welcome.
(The first time I played through this game myself, during which one of my missions was to find every piece of optional dialogue I might not have seen from Youtube playthroughs, I was determined not to give up on finding Kaito here and resolved to manually check EVERY SINGLE ROOM IN THE SCHOOL IF I HAD TO. Thankfully I started from the bottom up and the warehouse is on the first floor.)
Kaito’s reason for being in the warehouse probably has something to do with the fact that it apparently contains medicine. Like, you know, painkillers and stuff.
Kaito: “I can see my training is already having results for you and Maki Roll.”
It is, and Kaito has every right to be proud of himself for that!
But it’s also interesting that while a lot of the characters are focusing on thinking about what they can do, since that’s what they discussed at breakfast, Kaito is instead focusing on what he already has done. Almost as if thinking about what he can do in future is painful and discouraging because there’s almost nothing he can do (short of suggesting even more bonus training for his sidekicks, which still isn’t going to help them escape), and so he doesn’t want to dwell on that.
Kaito: “But don’t slow down here! It’s important to keep up your training every day.”
It is! Shuichi and Maki (with the addition of Himiko) are absolutely going to keep up their training every day when they get out of here.
(Also, remember back in chapter 2 when I mentioned that I’d started doing exercise myself thanks to Kaito? I’ve been doing that every single day for a little bit over a year now, and it’ll be several months more than that by the time this part I’m writing actually gets posted. Kaito is the best.)
Anyway, we’ve been on a roll with Maki lately in the rest of the story (pun totally intended), so let’s continue that by hanging out with her, shall we?
She happens to be in the dining hall, which is just across the corridor from the warehouse and therefore tantalisingly close to where Kaito is. They could all hang out as a trio again! Kaito would also want to hear more of Maki’s heartbreaking backstory! No? No. Silly game mechanics.
Maki: “Something only I can do… I can think of just one thing. …I know what you’re about to say. But… that’s the reality.”
Oh, Maki. That’s not the only thing you can do!
Maki: “Of course, I’ll think about… other things I can do.”
Exactly! You can fight and protect us!
Shuichi: “I didn’t know that assassins were scouted.”
As the event proper begins, Shuichi just straight-up continues the conversation they were having last night. This is why I had to save Maki’s third FTE until now at the earliest – because having this before that scene just does not make sense.
Maki: “It’s better if you didn’t know. Also, there’s no need for you to know.”
I dunno, Maki, if more people knew that there were child-slave assassins out there then maybe some people would be able to do something about it and this horrendous practice might stop. She just can’t see it that way, because she’s had to accept this as her reality in order to cope.
Maki: “The orphanage I was raised at was run for that reason.”
Shuichi: “…What do you mean?”
Maki: “To raise potential candidates for assassins.”
Yup, that’s the truth of her orphanage. That’s not remotely fucked up at all.
Shuichi: (How much is Maki carrying on her shoulders…? Such small shoulders…)
Heh. You sound like Kaito, Shuichi.
Maki: “The basic training forces your body to go beyond its human limitations. They physically beat us to help us withstand torture, and taught us how to die when needed…”
Happy fun Free Time with upbeat music as our friend casually tells us about how she was tortured.
(It really is a shame Kaito couldn’t be here to hear this too. He would 1000% want to help her carry this awful burden just like Shuichi is doing, even though all they can do is listen.)
Maki: “The only option left when you fail a mission is to die, right? Dying sooner is the nicer way out. It’s much better than being tortured alive.”
…I mean, she failed that one mission with the katana and didn’t have to die for it. I guess what she’s really talking about is if she were to get captured by an enemy of the assassin cult that would use her for information.
At least this means that when they’re all considering group suicide in chapter 5, Maki would know how to also kill herself painlessly at the end of it. You know. Reassuring thoughts.
Shuichi: (I can’t bear to think of what Maki had to go through…)
I know, Shuichi. It may have never really happened to her, but she’s still having to live now with the memory of it, believing that it really happened to her, and that’s not fucking fair at all.
Maki: “They tried to drag my dignity and tear it… To make me feel empty…”
They were trying to turn her into an empty, cold-blooded killer without a heart. And they didn’t succeed.
Maki: “I wouldn’t have accepted the job in the first place if I knew I couldn’t do it… But most importantly… If I broke, then *that girl* would replace me…”
We’ll hear more about this next time, but she’s talking about her best friend from the orphanage. She put herself through what she knew would be literal torture and refused to break under it because if she did, then her best friend would go through that instead. God, Maki is amazing.
(Again, technically none of that really happened to her, but thanks to those fake memories, the person standing here is someone who really would do that kind of thing.)
Shuichi: “That girl?”
Maki: “… Sorry… Pretend you didn’t hear any of that just now.”
But it seems like, at least for right now, she’s not quite ready to open up that much. She’ll get there, though.
Kokichi: “I bumped into Kaito, and he ended up giving me a lecture. He told me to think of a way to escape…”
Kaito has still been trying to get through to Kokichi! He still hasn’t given up on Kokichi and believes there’s some semblance of a decent person inside him who actually wants them all to escape! Kaito is so good.
(It also seems that, despite his earlier declarations, Kaito realised that punching him again might give off the wrong impression and decided to just stick to words this time.)
Kokichi: “But the only idea I can think of is becoming the blackened myself.”
And… Kaito’s not wrong about Kokichi, but he is underestimating how massively, completely inconceivable it is to Kokichi to actually acknowledge that buried part of himself and start being co-operative. What’s about to happen tonight isn’t going to be for lack of Kaito trying to stop it, but even Kaito isn’t enough here.
Kokichi: “That’d entertain everyone.”
Which is exactly what Monokuma wants, you are playing right into his hands and you should know this, you goddamn idiot.
Gonta: “Nrgh… Gonta tired… Gonta think too much…”
Awww, Gonta. He’s been trying so hard.
Gonta: “Rest is important, too… Gonta have to make sure he not useless when everyone need him!”
“When”. He’s still managing to stay so optimistic that that time will come. (Which it will. Sooner and far more tragically than you think, Gonta. Gaaaaah.)
Anyway, this time, in the very last chance we have for it, we’re hanging out with Kaito. Come on, now – you didn’t really think for a second I was going to go through the story without maxing out his FTEs, did you?
Kaito: “O-Oh, Shuichi… What’s the matter?”
Just like he did a day ago, Kaito doesn’t seem super-thrilled to suddenly encounter Shuichi wanting to talk to him.
Kaito: “Yeah, I don’t mind talking, but… My stomach hurts a little. Can we talk somewhere I can rest?”
But this time, he’s actually being somewhat honest about what the problem is. That’s pretty remarkable. Sure, for Kaito to be admitting to Shuichi that his stomach hurts a little, it must really be hurting one hell of a lot, but still. Kaito being willing to show even just a tiny bit of vulnerability in front of his sidekick is such a big deal and warms my heart. It’s okay, Kaito. Shuichi isn’t going to be any less inspired by you just because you’re struggling with a lot of things yourself, you absolute wonderful moron.
Shuichi: (I spent some time with Kaito… Didn’t he say his stomach hurt last night too? I hope he’s okay…)
I’m sure Kaito hates the fact that his tiny nugget of honesty is making Shuichi worry about him and doesn’t want him to do so at all… but Shuichi absolutely should be worried about his friend.
Kaito: “Hey, you got a minute? I got something to talk about.”
Shuichi: “Ah, okay…” (He seems upset…)
Shuichi’s already getting the sense that there’s something more forceful about Kaito than usual as we start the event proper, and boy is there a reason for that.
Shuichi: (Did I do something to make him angry?)
This, however, is not that reason. But of course Shuichi is lacking enough in self-assurance that he would immediately think this is somehow his fault. Of course it wouldn’t ever occur to him that maybe Kaito has issues and problems of his own and that might be what’s at the root of this rather than Shuichi having done anything wrong. (And this won’t be the only time Shuichi misunderstands Kaito in literally exactly this way.)
Kaito: “I’m just gonna say it! What are you moping around for!?”
Shuichi: “What?”
Kaito: “When my sidekick is moping, it really ticks me off!”
Shuichi: (I’m… moping?)
Shuichi isn’t moping. He’s still not a shining paragon of confidence or anything, but he’s been able to be a lot stronger and more positive lately. His own reaction to Kaito’s accusation just now shows that even he didn’t really think there was anything he was being particularly negative about, even though Shuichi is usually his own biggest critic.
Kaito disapproves of moping because it’s just wallowing in your negative feelings without making an effort to make it better. But in this context, the effort to make it better that Shuichi is supposedly avoiding would be asking Kaito for help. Right now, “Why are you moping?” really translates to “Why aren’t you letting me help you?”
Kaito: “I told you, man! Don’t hesitate to talk to me if something’s wrong. But you’re still keeping stuff from me! Am I not reliable enough!? Spit it out! If you bottle everything up, it can’t get fixed!”
What this whole thing really is is Kaito projecting weakness and worries onto Shuichi in another desperate attempt to show that Shuichi still needs his help. His “Am I not reliable enough!?” in particular shows what’s really going on. Kaito is terrified that he really isn’t reliable enough, not now that he’s dying and Shuichi solved the previous trial entirely without him and is seemingly strong enough that maybe he doesn’t really need Kaito’s support any more.
(It could also perhaps seem like Kaito is projecting his own behaviour of hiding his illness from his friends, but like last time, I don’t think the fact that he is incidentally being hypocritical here is the point. If the point was Kaito deflecting, that’d mean that acting like he wants to help Shuichi would just be an excuse to distract from his own problems. But of course Kaito wanting to help Shuichi could never be an excuse – Kaito always wants to help Shuichi, and that’s the real problem.)
Shuichi: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not looking for advice…”
Kaito: “You’ve got some guts trying to lie to me.”
Shuichi: “…”
He’s not lying! Shuichi wouldn’t lie to Kaito, not about his own weaknesses and struggles, nor about wanting Kaito’s advice for his problems. He may sometimes hesitate to talk about what’s bothering him until Kaito prods him a little, but he has never and would never outright lie about it once prodded if something really was wrong. And if that wasn’t proof enough, Shuichi’s staring at Kaito here with a sceptical face like he’s wondering why Kaito even thinks this.
Kaito should know perfectly well that Shuichi isn’t lying here. So it’s really quite delightfully messed up that he would rather tell himself Shuichi is lying to him than face the idea that Shuichi doesn’t need him.
(Even though the only way in which that’s really true is that Shuichi happens to not particularly need his help right now. That’s a completely different thing from not needing him at all… but Kaito doesn’t seem to realise that.)
A couple of times previously, Kaito did a similar thing of starting off a conversation with someone by trying to make it about him listening to their troubles and helping them – once with Kaede in an invitation dialogue, and once in his first FTE with Shuichi. Both those times, though, when they didn’t need to talk to him about anything, he accepted that and was happy to start talking about something else. But not this time.
Kaito: “Fine then! Listen up…”
Shuichi: (Kaito encouraged me, complimenting me about my talent.)
If Shuichi isn’t going to ask for Kaito’s help despite Kaito insisting that he totally should be doing so, Kaito’s going to help him anyway, aggressively complimenting him and telling him he’s awesome so that Shuichi can see how inspiring and encouraging and important Kaito still definitely is. (Really, Shuichi had no reason to have ever stopped thinking that about Kaito in the first place, but apparently Kaito doesn’t see it that way.)
You may have noticed from the way I’ve been talking about this event that I’ve been casually assuming despite the flexibility of FTEs that this is definitely taking place during chapter 4, and that all of this is a part of Kaito’s canonical arc that I’ve been talking about the rest of the time. And the thing is, this event really does have to take place in chapter 4, going by the keeping-FTEs-in-line-with-canon logic I’ve been using. Kaito’s fourth FTE mentioned Shuichi being his sidekick, putting that in chapter 3 at the earliest, and while there are two slots in which Kaito is available in chapter 3, the second of those has him already feeling too unwell for it to be believable that a proper FTE would have canonically happened then. So this fifth and final one has to happen, not necessarily this late, but definitely during this chapter.
But even if that weren’t the case, I’d still consider this event practically a canonical part of this chapter. While nothing in it explicitly mentions chapter 4-specific details, this is so clearly written for Kaito’s chapter 4 state of mind as he desperately tries to compensate for the fact that he’s dying by being as helpful as he can to his sidekicks. It fits in beautifully with the rest of the hints toward that we’ve had so far up to this point – in fact, this event is significantly less subtle about it than anything else has been, which is why I’m happy I saved it until the end like this.
Shuichi: (I should tell him… Then he’d understand why. I told him all about the case that got me the title of Ultimate Detective. I told him everything… so that he would know how untalented I really am.)
However, it seems like all of Kaito’s aggressive compliments just made Shuichi feel like he doesn’t deserve them and actually start to feel bad about himself. Now, at least, he has something to talk about that Kaito might be able to help him with, even though he genuinely didn’t need to talk about this when this conversation began.
(I don’t think Kaito was deliberately intending to bring Shuichi’s issues out by complimenting him, though. That’s far too underhanded and manipulative for Kaito to do no matter what state of mind he’s in. Plus, I’m not sure he’s even that consciously aware of the reasons he’s been acting this way, which he’d have to be for this to be deliberate.)
Kaito: “I see… So you were chosen after you solved a case.”
Shuichi: “Yes, and the most important part… I just happened to find some evidence that was missed. I accidentally solved the puzzle. It was all coincidence, happenstance…”
As soon as Kaito says something that puts things in a vaguely positive-sounding light, Shuichi’s immediately jumping to insist that no, that’s not the point, he barely even deserved to solve that case. It’s hard to know how true it is that it was all just a coincidence, but I’m inclined to think it wasn’t. Even if it is just a matter of Shuichi noticing something everyone else missed, that’s still him having better observation skills than anyone else on that case, which is something that’s important for a detective to have. Shuichi’s just likely to not want to give himself enough credit what with how much the outcome of the case traumatised him.
Kaito: “Geez… You worry about the most trivial stuff, man.”
Kaito, you’re the one who was fishing for Shuichi to be worrying about even the tiniest thing so that you’d have an excuse to help him.
Shuichi: “You have no right to say that! You don’t know what I’ve been through!”
Kaito: “Hah! Nice! It’s good to see you actually have some bite to you.”
Shuichi’s response is a dialogue option that I picked, but I like this one, because I enjoy Kaito being proud of him for being able to stand by his own feelings, not even caring that Shuichi doing so involved snapping at him.
(Mind you, Shuichi was also standing by his own feelings earlier when he was asserting that he didn’t need any advice from Kaito right now, and Kaito was much less on board with that, but, you know.)
Regardless, when Kaito said “trivial”, he was really talking about the culprit’s feelings.
Kaito: “He killed someone and was trying to get away with it! He’s a bad guy!”
This is an instance of Kaito’s often fairly black-and-white way of thinking, but even so, him putting things this simplistically helps Shuichi move away from worrying about how the culprit felt. Even if the guy wanted revenge, that still doesn’t justify murder, so Shuichi was right to expose him for it. Kaede and Kirumi’s crimes so far during this killing game were much less black-and-white, such that Shuichi has a decent reason to feel at least a little bad about cornering them, but that one guy? Screw him, he’s nothing like them.
Kaito: “If he’d gotten away with it, he’d be crushed by the weight of his guilt. But you got him before that happened! He should be thanking you!”
It’s also very appropriately Kaito of him to see Shuichi’s job of catching criminals as important because it forces the criminals to take responsibility instead of running away from their own actions and the pain they caused. I especially love that Kaito even sees this as a good thing for the culprit himself. This will be a very relevant idea during this upcoming case in particular, in terms of a certain someone Kaito has already been trying to get through to a lot.
Kaito: “I’ll support you all the way! I know you did the right thing!”
This might still be Kaito overzealously trying to compensate for his own feelings of inferiority, but it’s adorable all the same. This is all Shuichi really needs from him at this point – not necessarily major advice on specific problems, but just knowing that Kaito’s there for him and on his side no matter what. You’re already doing enough, Kaito. Just keep being you.
Kaito: “And not just with that guy! From now on, if anyone holds a grudge against you… I’ll kick their ass!”
This is not ironic foreshadowing to the extent that one might think, because Kaito is never going to hold a grudge against Shuichi, however much it might seem that way. Of course, Kaito would also definitely want to kick the ass of anyone who even seems to hold a grudge against Shuichi, even briefly, just because doing so would hurt him. So… that’s a thing.
Kaito: “So you just gotta follow the path you believe in! You’re my sidekick. So don’t hold back, and rely on me whenever you need to!”
These are Kaito’s voiced lines for his final event, and they couldn’t be more appropriate. They’re adorably full of him believing in and supporting Shuichi, with just a dash of that delightful undertone of him desperately wanting Shuichi to still rely on him even if maybe Shuichi doesn’t need to quite as much any more.
Shuichi: “Kaito… thank you.” (Alright, so he’s foolhardy. But he supports me and expects nothing in return… He does so much for me… I could never turn my back on that. I will never betray his support and trust. I will never break my bond with Kaito!)
While Shuichi is completely oblivious to what’s going on with Kaito and why he’s being so aggressively supportive right now, it’s still just absolutely heartmelting how grateful he is for everything Kaito does for him and trusts him so wholeheartedly in return. For all of Kaito’s issues that this event has been subtly full of, they’re still incredible, adorable friends, which comes across so strongly here. Most FTEs, when they end on emphasising how much the protagonist has become friends with the subject, are kind of dampened by the knowledge that this is just an optional side thing that isn’t really there in the canon storyline. But here, this just serves to highlight the canon adorable friendship between these two even more and I love it.
And if only Kaito could hear everything Shuichi is thinking here. He would never turn his back on you, Kaito! No matter what weaknesses you might have and no matter what mistakes you might make! You have so much less to be afraid of than you think.
Shuichi: “…I understand, Kaito.”
…Shuichi doesn’t really understand. He only understands the fact that Kaito will always be there for him, and while that’s true (or at least, Kaito has no intention of ever making it untrue), that’s not remotely the full picture here.
Shuichi: “I will always depend on you.”
This sounds adorable on the surface, but is potentially pretty messed up if you think about it too hard. Ideally, what Shuichi means is, “I will always depend on you when I need to”, which is the healthy way of looking at it – everyone needs to depend on other people sometimes, and it’s great that Kaito will always be there for him during those times.
But… that might not actually be what Shuichi means. I’ve mentioned multiple times that Shuichi is pretty overly dependent, hence him latching onto Kaede and Kaito so easily… so he might be okay with the idea of always needing to depend on on Kaito. Which he shouldn’t! Nobody should want to be constantly dependent on someone else their entire life, and it’s especially unhealthy if it’s on one single person, no matter how reliable and genuinely well-meaning that person may be. Shuichi should want to become someone who doesn’t need to depend on someone else most of the time, even if that someone else is Kaito.
Kaito: “Yeah! Just leave it to me!”
Under normal circumstances, Kaito would probably be able to pick up on this and recognise that it’s unhealthy and assert that Shuichi should be striving to become more independent. After all, his former sidekicks he mentioned last FTE no longer need him any more, and he seemed perfectly happy with that.
But in the state of mind Kaito’s in by this chapter, he’s not about to do that. Kaito may be a little bit like this even at the best of times, but right now especially he has become incredibly co-dependent – meaning, he’s pathologically dependent on the idea that someone else depends on him. He needs to be needed. And that’s pretty messed up of him too. There is definitely a large part of Kaito that’s worried Shuichi already doesn’t really need him any more – but he’s not letting that part have a say and continuing to insist that of course Shuichi should be constantly depending on him.
Shuichi’s dependency and Kaito’s co-dependency make them a perfect match for each other in a wonderfully messed-up kind of way, and that dysfunctionality lurking beneath the surface is another of the many reasons I enjoy their friendship so much. If it weren’t for this, things wouldn’t be about to fall apart like they do, and this chapter and the beginning of the next wouldn’t be nearly as delightfully heartwrenching.
Shuichi: (Kaito’s smile was as bright as starlight. I couldn’t help but smile back.)
Bright like he’s a luminary or something! Space imagery! FRIENDS.
Shuichi: (…Everything is going to be okay. As long as we have this, we can move forward.)
Oh boy, it sure—
isn’t going to be even remotely okay barely twenty-four hours from now.
Shuichi: (Sometimes I feel as though I’m dragging him down, but I know I’ll catch up one day.)
You’re not, though, Shuichi! This could not be more completely opposite of how Kaito sees things! Kaito feels like he’s the one dragging Shuichi down, which is precisely why we just had this whole event of him desperately trying to show that he isn’t and that Shuichi can still benefit from his support! But Kaito has apparently managed to successfully convince Shuichi that he’s completely invincible and doesn’t have any problems of his own, so Shuichi has no goddamn clue.
Shuichi: (I bet he’d laugh and tell me I have a lot of nerve for a sidekick.)
He wouldn’t, though. The entire point of Kaito’s sidekicks is supposed to be that one day they’ll reach even greater heights than him – we went over that in his previous FTE. Kaito should laugh and then tell Shuichi how proud he is of him for coming this far. I guess Shuichi genuinely never did realise that most of the reason Kaito was telling him about his former sidekicks was to imply that the same thing applies to him.
Or, at least… Kaito should show pride in Shuichi if Shuichi ever overtook him. But that’s Kaito at the best of times, and those are not the times he’s in right now.
In the report card summary for this event, there’s also a very similar line to the one from before:
“Kaito, I know it seems as though you’re dragging me along, but I’ll be right there beside you.”
This is such a delightfully ironic line, and the writers clearly knew exactly how important it is since they essentially included it twice. Oh, Shuichi, if only you had any idea just how completely backwards you have it. If only Kaito would tell you what’s really going on in his head, and then you could support him in return and help him figure things out. But then, this is Kaito we’re talking about here.
All of Kaito’s previous FTEs featured him talking about himself, like FTEs are supposed to. And in general, the final event in particular is meant to involve the subject talking about their biggest issues now that they feel comfortable doing so because of their growing friendship with the protagonist, and maybe having the protagonist help them a little with that. But in Kaito’s final one, he doesn’t talk about himself at all. Because of course Kaito would never talk about his issues, especially not to Shuichi, who needs to see him as strong and invincible in order to be able to rely on him, or so Kaito is irrationally convinced. (And if he somehow miraculously did talk about his issues and Shuichi helped him with them, that’d probably mean that what’s about to happen in the main storyline shouldn’t happen the way it does any more, which we absolutely can’t have.)
Yet this final free time event of Kaito’s still manages to be thoroughly about his issues, not even despite the fact that he doesn’t talk about himself and makes it all about Shuichi’s issues instead, but precisely because of it. It is so appropriate for Kaito that things should be this way, and I love it.
---
[Next post]
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
Lifting of US Propaganda Ban Gives New Meaning to Old Song
Though its ostensible purpose is to fund the U.S. military over a one year period, the National Defense Authorization Act, better known as the NDAA, has had numerous provisions tucked into it over the years that have targeted American civil liberties. The most well-known of these include allowing the government to wiretap American citizens without a warrant and, even more disturbingly, indefinitely imprison an American citizen without charge in the name of “national security.”
One of the lesser-known provisions that have snuck their way into the NDAA over the years was a small piece of legislation tacked onto the NDAA for fiscal year 2013, signed into law in that same year by then-President Barack Obama. Named “The Smith-Mundt Modernization Act of 2012,” it completely lifted the long-existing ban on the domestic dissemination of U.S. government-produced propaganda.
For decades, the U.S. government had been allowed to produce and disseminate propaganda abroad in order to drum up support for its foreign wars but had been banned from distributing it domestically after the passage of the Smith-Mundt Act of 1948. However, the Modernization Act’s co-authors, Reps. Mac Thornberry (R-TX) and Adam Smith (D-WA, no relation to the Smith of the 1948 act), removing the domestic ban was necessary in order to combat “al-Qaeda’s and other violent extremists’ influence among populations.”
Thornberry that removing the ban was necessary because it had tied “the hands of America’s diplomatic officials, military, and others, by inhibiting our ability to effectively communicate in a credible way.” Yet, given that Thornberry is one of the of weapon manufacturers’ campaign contributions, the real intent — to skeptics at least — seemed more likely related to an effort to ramp up domestic support for U.S. military adventurism abroad following the disastrous invasions of Iraq and Libya.
Read more by Whitney Webb
Five years later, the effects of the lifting of the ban have turned what was once covert manipulation of the media by the government into a transparent “revolving door” between the media and the government. Robbie Martin — documentary filmmaker and media analyst whose documentary series, “A Very Heavy Agenda,” explores the relationships between neoconservative think tanks and media — told MintPress, that this revolving door “has never been more clear than it is right now” as a result of the ban’s absence.
In the age of legal, weaponized propaganda directed at the American people, false narratives have become so commonplace in the mainstream and even alternative media that these falsehoods have essentially become normalized, leading to the era of “fake news” and “alternative facts.”
Those who create such news, regardless of the damage it causes or the demonstrably false nature of its claims, face little to no accountability, as long as those lies are of service to U.S. interests. Meanwhile, media outlets that provide dissenting perspectives are being silenced at an alarming rate.
The effects of lifting the ban examined
Vice founders Shane Smith, left, and Suroosh Alvi, attend the Webby Awards at Cipriani Wall Street in New York. The formerly independent Vice News saw a precipitous uptick in citations of BBG sources after securing corporate funding.
Since 2013, newsrooms across the country, of both the mainstream and “alternative” variety, have been notably skewed towards the official government narrative, with few outside a handful of independently-funded media outlets bothering to question those narratives’ veracity. While this has long been a reality for the Western media (see John Pilger’s 2011 documentary “The War You Don’t See”), the use of government-approved narratives and sources from government-funded groups have become much more overt than in years past.
From Syria to Ukraine, U.S.-backed coups and U.S.-driven conflicts have been painted as locally driven movements that desperately need U.S. support in order to “help” the citizens of those countries — even though that “help” has led to the near destruction of those countries and, in the case of Ukraine, an attempted genocide. In these cases, many of the sources were organizations funded directly by the U.S. government or allied governments, such as the White Helmets and Aleppo Media Centre (largely funded by the U.S. and U.K. governments) in the case of Syria, and pro-Kiev journalists with Nazi ties (including Bogdan Boutkevitch, who called for the “extermination” of Ukrainians of Russian descent on live TV) in the case of Ukraine, among other examples. Such glaring conflicts of interests are, however, rarely — if ever — disclosed when referenced in these reports.
More recently, North Korea has been painted as presenting an imminent threat to the United States. Recent reports on this “threat” have been based on classified intelligence reports that claim that North Korea can produce a new nuclear bomb every six or seven weeks, including a recent article from the New York Times. However, those same reports have admitted that this claim is purely speculative, as it is “impossible to verify until experts get beyond the limited access to North Korean facilities that ended years ago.” In other words, the article was based entirely on unverified claims from the U.S. intelligence community that were treated as compelling.
As Martin told MintPress, many of these government-friendly narratives first began at U.S.-funded media organizations overseen by the Broadcasting Board of Governors (BBG) — an extension of the U.S. state department.
Martin noted that U.S.-funded media, like Voice of America (VOA) and Radio Free Europe (RFE), were among the first to use a State Department-influenced narrative aimed at “inflaming hostilities with Russia before it soaked into mainstream reporting.” Of course, now, this narrative — with its origins in the U.S. State Department and U.S. intelligence community — has come to dominate headlines in the corporate media and even some “alternative” media outlets in the wake of the 2016 U.S. election.
This is no coincidence. As Martin noted, “after the ban was lifted, things changed drastically here in the United States,” resulting in what was tantamount to a “propaganda media coup” where the State Department, and other government agencies that had earlier shaped the narrative at the BBG, used their influence on mainstream media outlets to shape those narratives as well.
A key example of this, as Martin pointed out, was the influence of the new think-tank “The Alliance for Securing Democracy,” whose advisory council and staff are loaded with neocons, such as the National Review’s Bill Kristol, and former U.S. intelligence and State Department officials like former CIA Director Michael Morell. The Alliance for Securing Democracy’s Russia-focused offshoot, “Hamilton 68,” is frequently cited by media outlets — mainstream and alternative — as an impartial, reliable tracker of Russian “meddling” efforts on social media.
Martin remarked that he had “never seen a think tank before have such a great influence over the media so quickly,” noting that it “would have been hard to see [such influence on reporters] without the lifting of the ban,” especially given the fact that media organizations that cite Hamilton 68 do not mention its ties to former government officials and neoconservatives.
The ridiculous, opaque joke from Bill Kristol & Democratic hawks called "Hamilton 68" – mindlessly treated as Gospel by US media – claims that unnamed Russian bots & pro-Russia accounts spent yesterday talking about Ronald Reagan and Antonin Scalia. pic.twitter.com/IKmoNyxt00
— Glenn Greenwald (@ggreenwald) February 7, 2018
In addition, using VOA or other BBG-funded media has become much more common than it was prior to the ban, an indication that state-crafted information originally intended for a foreign audience is now being used domestically. Martin noted that this has become particularly common at some “pseudo-alternative” media organizations — i.e., formerly independent media outlets that now enjoy corporate funding. Among these, Martin made the case that VICE News stands out.
After the propaganda ban was lifted, Martin noticed that VICE’s citations of BBG sources “spiked.” He continued:
One of the things I immediately noticed was that they [VICE news] were so quick to call out other countries’ media outlets, but yet — in every instance I looked up of them citing BBG sources — they never mentioned where the funding came from or what it was and they would very briefly mention it [information from BBG sources] like these were any other media outlets.”
He added that, in many of these cases, journalists at VICE were unaware that references to VOA or other BBG sources appeared in their articles. This was an indication that “there is some editorial staff [at VICE News] that is putting this in from the top down.”
Furthermore, Martin noted that, soon after the ban was lifted, “VICE’s coverage mirrored the type of coverage that BBG was doing across the world in general,” which in Martin’s view indicated “there was definitely some coordination between the State Department and VICE.” This coordination was also intimated by BBG’s overwhelmingly positive opinion of VICE in their auditing reports, in which the BBG “seemed more excited about VICE than any other media outlet” — especially since VICE was able to use BBG organizations as sources while maintaining its reputation as a “rebel” media outlet.
Watch | VICE’s Fall From Counterculture Hipster Rag To Neoliberal Mouthpiece
Martin notes that these troubling trends have been greatly enabled by the lifting of the ban. He opined that the ban was likely lifted “in case someone’s cover [in spreading government propaganda disguised as journalism] was blown,” in which case “it wouldn’t be seen as illegal.” He continued:
For example, if a CIA agent at the Washington Post is directly piping in U.S. government propaganda or a reporter is working the U.S. government to pipe in propaganda, it wouldn’t be seen as a violation of the law. Even though it could have happened before the ban, it’s under more legal protection now.”
Under normal circumstances, failing to disclose conflicts of interests of key sources and failing to question government narratives would be considered acts of journalistic malice. However, in the age of legal propaganda, these derelictions matter much less. Propaganda is not intended to be factual or impartial — it is intended to serve a specific purpose, namely influencing public opinion in a way that serves U.S. government interests. As Karl Rove, the former advisor and deputy chief of staff to George W. Bush, once said, the U.S. “is an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality.” This “reality” is defined not by facts but by its service to empire.
Meanwhile, counter-narratives, however fact-based they may be, are simultaneously derided as conspiracy theories or “fake news,” especially if they question or go against government narratives.
The revolving door
Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper and former CIA Director John Brennan appear on CNN to discuss allegations of Russian influence in the presidential elections. (CNN Screenshot)
Another major consequence of the ban being lifted goes a step further than merely influencing narratives. In recent years, there has been the growing trend of hiring former government officials, including former U.S. intelligence directors and other psyops veterans, in positions once reserved for journalists. In their new capacity as talking heads on mainstream media reports, they repeat the stance of the U.S. intelligence community to millions of Americans, with their statements and views unchallenged.
For instance, last year, CNN hired former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper. Clapper, a key architect of RussiaGate, has committed perjury by lying to Congress and more recently lied about the Trump campaign being wiretapped through a FISA request. He has also mad racist, Russophobic comments on national television. Now, however, he is an expert analyst for “the most trusted name in news.” CNN last year also hired Michael Hayden, who is a former Director of both the CIA and the NSA, and former Principal Deputy Director of National Intelligence.
Former top US officials who now are analysts for CNN:
—Michael Hayden, director of CIA/NSA
—John Kirby, State Dept spox, Pentagon press secretary
—James Clapper, DNI
—Lisa Monaco, homeland security advisor
—Spider Marks, head of US Army Intelligence Centerhttps://t.co/7AejlAfi8p
— Ben Norton (@BenjaminNorton) February 8, 2018
CNN isn’t alone. NBC/MSNBC recently hired former CIA director John Brennan — another key architect of RussiaGate and the man who greenlighted (and lied about) CIA spying on Congress — as a contributor and “senior national security and intelligence analyst.” NBC also employs Jeremy Bash, former CIA and DoD Chief of Staff, as a national security analyst, as well as reporter Ken Dilanian, who is known for his “collaborative relationship” with the CIA.
Stand by for propaganda! NBC hires CIA director!https://t.co/HTcD5xIYRQ
— Defectio.com (@DefectioLive) February 7, 2018
Remember when new NBC analyst John Brennan blatantly lied to NBC's Andrea Mitchell about using the CIA to spy on Democratic staffers investigating torture? https://t.co/ZaetE53gcshttps://t.co/y7fybCi3Dt
— Trevor Timm (@trevortimm) February 2, 2018
This “revolving door” doesn’t stop there. After the BBG was restructured by the 2016 NDAA, the “board” for which the organization was named was dissolved, making BBG’s CEO — a presidential appointee — all powerful. BBG’s current CEO is John Lansing, who – prior to taking the top post at the BBG – was the President and Chief Executive Officer of the Cable & Telecommunications Association for Marketing (CTAM), a marketing association comprised of 90 of the top U.S. and Canadian cable companies and television programmers. Lansing’s connection to U.S. cable news companies is just one example of how this revolving door opens both ways.
Media-government coordination out of the shadows
Defense Secretary James Mattis chats with Amazon founder and Washington Post owner, Jeff Bezos , during a visit to west coast tech and defense companies. (Jeff Bezos/Twitter)
Such collusion between mainstream media and the U.S. government is hardly new. It has only become more overt since the Smith-Mundt ban was lifted.
For instance, the CIA, through Operation Mockingbird, started recruiting mainstream journalists and media outlets as far back as the 1960s in order to covertly influence the American public by disguising propaganda as news. The CIA even worked with top journalism schools to change their curricula in order to produce a new generation of journalists that would better suit the U.S. government’s interests. Yet the CIA effort to manipulate the media was born out of the longstanding view in government that influencing the American public through propaganda was not only useful, but necessary.
Indeed, Edward Bernays, the father of public relations, who also worked closely with the government in the creation and dissemination of propaganda, once wrote:
The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country.”
While this was once an “invisible” phenomenon, it is quickly becoming more obvious. Now, Silicon Valley oligarchs with ties to the U.S. government have bought mainstream and pseudo-alternative media outlets and former CIA directors are given prominent analyst positions on cable news programs. The goal is to manufacture support at home for the U.S.’ numerous conflicts around the world, which are only likely to grow as the Pentagon takes aim at “competing states” like Russia and China in an increasingly desperate protection of American hegemony.
With the propaganda ban now a relic, the once-covert propaganda machine long used to justify war after war is now operating out in the open and out of control.
Top Photo | “U.S. Official War Pictures”, propaganda poster by Louis D. Fancher circa 1917. (Public Domain)
Whitney Webb is a staff writer for MintPress News who has written for several news organizations in both English and Spanish; her stories have been featured on ZeroHedge, the Anti-Media, and 21st Century Wire among others. She currently lives in Southern Chile.
The post Lifting of US Propaganda Ban Gives New Meaning to Old Song appeared first on MintPress News.
This content was originally published here.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Red and White Roses- PJM Hanahaki Disease AU Chapter 1
Genre: Hanahaki AU, a little bit of fluff, quite a bit of angst
Pairing: Hanahaki Park Jimin x Hanahaki Reader
Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, mentions of Bipolar Disorder, description of verbal fighting
Summary: Everything in your life is spiraling out of control, your parents are getting divorced, 2 of your siblings are moving in with your father, you have to find an apartment and continue your English major at college and panic attacks are becoming a frequent thing, but what puts the cherry on top of your anxiety built cake? The name engraved into your right hand and the flowers growing in your stomach.
Post Date: 2/2/19
Word Count: 2,126 words, 11,510 characters
A/N: Hi, this is my first fan fiction on Tumblr and I’m not very familiar with writing these things, but please leave your opinions and critiques in the comments/ notes??? Enjoy!!!
Chapter One II Chapter Two II Chapter Three II Chapter Four
You woke up with a sigh and a heavy heart. You can hear the echo of your parents’ voices from last night, the memories of it flashing in your mind like a feature film.
This was a normal night in the Lee household. The night had started off normal enough, having takeout for dinner, watching the movie your siblings, Lisa (7), Jackson (13), Jisoo (14) and you, Y/N (19) had picked out that afternoon. Your father came home at 8:00pm that night, clearly tired shown by the dark circles under his eyes. He smiled at his children spending time together. You had come home from Busan to Daegu for Winter Break, the stress of college being washed away the second you set foot in your childhood home. You turned your gaze to your father, smiling at him before clambering off the couch and into his arms. “Appa! You’re home! I’ve missed you.” You say, sounding like Lisa, a hearty chuckle erupting from his throat.
“I missed you too, little one.” He responded, using the name he always called since you were 2 years old. Your siblings jumped up from the couch, greeting their father as well. Soon after, the mood died down when your mother entered the room, clad in a fuzzy nightgown.
“You’re home late, jagi.” She grumbled, her voice sounding suspicious of his whereabouts this late at night.
“ You know how it is, signature after signature. It was just a lot of paperwork.” He said in his sweet tone. Your mother threw him a look before turning to exit the room.
9:00PM rolled around and your in your room, covering Lisa’s ears and cuddling Jisoo and Jackson close. Your parents are fighting...again. This was never an irregular occurrence. Your parents had been struggling to keep their marriage together for about 18 months now. It all started when your father was seen with another woman he insisted was a co-worker. Your mother didn’t believe him..at all. This time, they were fighting about them, the children. You had always been a second mother to them, as your mother was ‘busy’ but when you moved into your college dorm, the first night, Jisoo had called you to tell you that your mother was screaming at Jackson for no apparent reason. The older ones knew it was because of your mother’s severe case of Bipolar Disorder. Lisa was sobbing and shaking with fear, Jackson was curled up into your arm and Jisoo was hugging her knees to her chest. After about an hour or so, the shouting and screaming died down and now there was only the soft hiccups coming from Lisa filling the room. Another hour passed when there was a knock on your door. You got up from your bed opened the door. Your father stood there, tears staining his cheeks, his tall and slim build towering over you. He told you to bring your siblings into the living room. Anxiety shot up your spine, afraid about what was going to happen. The last time they had had a family meeting, Jackson had snuck out of the house to go to a party hosted by his friends and gotten drunk off his face.
You, Jisoo, Jackson and little Lisa walked to the living room, the looks and aura both your parents gave off already gave you a bad feeling, but looking at your siblings made you even more scared. To say they were all scared would be an understatement. Your parents looked around at everything except each other and their children. Your mother finally cleared her throat and looked straight at you. “Kids, you know that your father and I love you all very much, but we have made the decision to get a d-divorce.” Your mother choked out the last word, her eyes brimming with tears. You had always knew this would come sooner or later, but you didn’t expect it to hit that hard. Jackson was the first to cry, then Jisoo, then yourself and finally the baby of the family, Lisa. While you cried, your father explained that when Winter Break ends, Jackson and Jisoo would move in with him on the other side of Daegu so they were closer to their school, Lisa would stay with your mother and you would go back to Busan and live in your dorm until the end of the year, then you would buy an apartment. The information sunk in with everyone, but Jisoo didn’t want to leave Lisa all by herself. Jisoo knew she had no choice, she knew she couldn’t win this fight but still tried. With that said, you all trudged off into your seperate rooms (except Jisoo and Lisa who shared one) all in an emotional wreck.
You finally gathered up the courage to flip the blankets back and get ready for the day. Normally, you would be working at the small cafe run by your best friend/ boss, Nancy. However, you had called her last night before you went to bed, telling her you couldn’t make it to work. When she asked why, you broke down into tears, spilling everything to her, letting her listen to your family problems. She consoled you, telling you that she understands and that’s she’s there if you need her. You smiled as you realized she used the same words that you did when her parents got divorced and the times she was dumped by her 2 previous boyfriends before finding Namjoon, the only boyfriend you approved of. You walked into your bathroom, looking at your (disgusting might you add) reflection. Your hair was disheveled from the little sleep you got last night, your eyes are red and puffy from crying, yesterday’s mascara and eyeliner (the only the makeup you really wore on the daily) left smudges on your cheeks, reminding you of the tsunami of tears you spilled last night. You sighed once more before disrobing and having a warm shower, calming your tense and depressed mindset. The warm water hit your skin like thousands of bullets, hoping to wash away your pain. Even though you knew it couldn’t, it was a nice pain numbing treatment. You change into a pair of grey sweats, a plain white bra underneath a twilight (as in the color, not the movie/book series) purple shirt. You stepped out of your room, which was actually the guest room, dull and white, and into the kitchen. There you meet Jisoo who is in the same state as you, staring at hot cup of peppermint tea in front of her. “Hey, sis. Hope you got at least some sleep last night.” You chimed at her, breaking her gaze away from the tea. She smiled weakly and halfheartedly. She sighed before getting up from the table, walking towards you before she rested her head on your chest. You wrapped your arms around her. You two stayed like that until Jackson walked, looking even worse than the both of you put together. His hair was sticking up in all directions, dark rings circled his under eyes, his eyeballs red and his sockets puffy from crying. He looked like a shell of his usual bubbly and annoyingly loud personality. You unwrapped one of your arms from around Jisoo and scooped him into your hug. You held the two of them close to your chest, squeezing your eyes shut to stop the tears. You loved your siblings more than anything, they meant the world to you and to see them so quiet and sad shattered your heart into a million pieces. You released your younger siblings from your ‘big sis bear hug’ as they liked to call it. You carded your fingers through their hair with the kind look in your eye you saved for only the people you cared for the most.
“Hey, how about I make pancakes, bacon and eggs for breakfast. My treat.” You whispered to them, a wide smile spreading across your face. Jackson and Jisoo smiled weakly as you busy yourself finding pans to cook breakfast with.
A few weeks had gone by since your parents had revealed they were getting getting divorced and you were now helping Jisoo pack up here belongings into the last of the boxes in her room. It was last time you would get to see her before going back in less than three hours, as your train to Busan (anyone get my reference) left soon. You placed her trophies from talent shows and dancing competitions in bubble wrap before placing them in a cardboard box labelled ‘Fragile’. You looked into Jisoo’s dark eyes as she signed for the umpteenth time that morning. “Ji, what’s wrong? You keep sighing, what’s going on?” You asked her in your caring yet motherly tone, placing the last of her trophies in the box. She sighed once more while holding a photo frame in her hands loosely.
“It’s just...I’m not gonna see Lisa for what feels like forever. She’s so important to me, and now that I can’t protect her or cuddle and calm her when she has nightmares, it scares me. What if she gets bullied at school for not having a father figure in her life? What if she gets bullied and I’m not there to protect her? What if sh-” You cut Jisoo off, placing one of your hands on her shoulder.
“Jisoo, I said the exact same thing about you to Mom when I moved to Busan. I was so anxious and upset and angry with myself that I wasn’t gonna be able to watch you grow up into a woman and everyone else would. Don’t worry about it, you have your whole life to worry, but right now, focus on yourself. I am always a phone call away if you get worried.” She smiles at you when you give her the same kind eyes you had always shown her.
“Hey, Y/N?”
“Yes, lil sis?”
“Thank you.”
“Anything for you, sis.”
As your mom pulled into the train station with all of your siblings in the backseat, you exhaled deeply. You opened the door and pulled yourself out of the passenger side, rounding to the trunk. You opened it and pulled out your suitcase, pulling up the handle and rolling it to the left side of the car. Your siblings are stood there, looking at you with sad puppy eyes. You smiled at your siblings’ hilarious attempts to get you to stay.
“Aish, guys, I don’t want to go back either, I want to stay with you guys too. But school is important and I want to graduate. Come here.” You rushed towards them, scooping them into one of your ‘Big Sis Bear Hugs’. You held them close to you, wishing you didn’t have to part ways with your family. You sighed as you pulled away and placed a kiss on each of their foreheads. You grabbed your suitcase once more, you turn to the Daegu Train Station. You pulled out of your pocket and placed in your earphones before turning on your heel to wave to your siblings, who have all squashed their faces against their windows as they waved back. You chuckled to yourself and walked into the train station. You bought your ticket and scanned it on the gate to the station. The train didn’t take as long as you’d expected it to take. You walked onto the train with a mob of strangers, which would normally freak you out and cause your anxiety to trigger, but with your favorite artist playing in your ears, you felt as if you had nothing to worry about or lose. Your heart still ached with the thoughts from last night of course, but music always helped you feel at least a tiny bit better.
Your dorm mate and best friend, Jimin said he’d pick you up from the train station in Busan. This normally wouldn’t be a problem but having him as your dorm mate for the second year in row, you had developed a huge slight crush on him. However, he wasn’t like the rest of your high school crushes. You had never been this close nor shy about a crush like you had with Jimin. He was somewhat different. When you saw him at the train station, you called out his name, making him look up from his phone. He smiled and rushed over to you, pulling you into a friendly hug. You felt the tips of your ears and cheeks flush pink at the very least. When he pulled away, he took your suitcase and gave you his sweet eye smile. The first time he spoke these words was when you felt the slight itch on your right hand.
“Welcome back, Y/N”
Chapter/ Part 1 Finish.
A/N: Hey, Kookie all the way down here, I know this was really long but I enjoy long parts. It just gives me something to look forward to. So let me know I did. Like I said at the start of the chapter, I would really appreciate it if you left some tips and critiques about it and if you would like to see more and don’t be afraid to send me requests, I am so ready for whatever you have for me!!! Love you my Taecups
#park jimin#hanahaki#hanahaki disease#hanahaki disease au#hanahaki diesease fanfic hanahaki disease fanfics#bts#btsau#bangtan boys#bangtan book club
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
So..back from watching HTTYD 3...
(I respect everyone who loved it and cried during watching it, so if you loved it a lot, I recommend on not reading this post.)
(Contains entire plot of movie including personal criticism.)
And I didn’t really like it. I thought the visuals were good, but the plot and motivations were really weak compared to the previous movies and there was a lot of weird stuff in there that was just unnecessary or actually relevant.
My main problem with is it’s just too predictable. Movies can be predictable, and maybe because this is the last movie of a trilogy I might have gotten too hyped up. But if you’re going to make it be predictable, then add actually good conflict or good dialogue. But the dialogue is so cliched like, How are your plans on conquering the world going? You’re the one who changed me, I will destroy everything and everyone you love MUHAHAHAHHA Our home is not only this place we live on, it’s us and something like that.
And am I the only one who thought the writers were gonna go with Tuffnut is actually gay for Hiccup route? I know he’s an annoying character, but the way he’s always bringing up
is Hiccup’s getting married to Astrid, is he not gonna get married to her, he’s gonna help out with him, talks about a lot about Hiccup, overly agreeing with everything he does and the weird smashing Hiccup into his ‘beard’
was really disturbing in my opinion. I don’t get why Tuffnut’s there.
Snotlout likes Valka now. Yeah, wasn’t okay at all with that. And he still has inferiority issues, now with Eret. Which was resolved in the end with Hiccup’s mom going like hey, I think you have better brains than Eret, which means we have possible chemistry and this is NOT OKAY TO ME. Snotlout never had any scene which would make her say that, and why would she even show any interest to someone at a similar age to her son?
I have no idea how Snotlout’s character development is like in the tv series, but writers, if you’re gonna use that as a character trait, can’t you just have it actually be relevant to the story and build up the guy to be an actual character than a stereotypical stupid bully jerk who now likes the MAIN CHARACTER’S MOM???
And the villain.
This guy. I forgot what his name was after I came out watching it, so I just found it’s Grimmel, Grimmel the Grisly. Okay. You claim to have killed all of the Night Furies. How did you know you killed all of them? Did you like count all of the N.Fs and then started killing them off one by one? Did you do the same with the Light Furies? Does NightLight Furies live outside of the Hidden world and that’s why you could count all of them?
How does Valka know the Night Furies were all killed too? If He’s a dragon ‘hunter’ why didn’t Valka, who were protecting the dragons like Hiccup, not know who he is and have methods to defend against him? Was she just protecting dragons who lived in a certain range of land?
I really thought Grimmel was going to turn out as the ‘Anti-Hiccup’, someone who Hiccup could have been, challenging Hiccup physically and psychologically. He could have threatened to destroy Berk with the help of his conqueror friends, he says he’s a hunter but Hiccup and his friends and viking guys just chill on the island.
At that scene when Grimmel’s like ‘can’t you guess where they must have gone’(evil guy face), I was thinking that this guy knows EVERY PLAN THAT’S GOING ON IN HICCUP’S BRAIN OMG DON’T CAMP IN THAT ISLAND YOU GUYS ARE DOOMED but no, they have to tail Ruffnut, who was accidentally left behind, to find the actual location wayyyyyy later on. Great tracking skills, I’m so impressed.
I can’t help but think the writers went the easy route because they didn’t want to take risks and disappoint or shock the kids that would watch the movies, but you’ve already taken risks in the first and second movies with Hiccup’s leg and Stoick’s death, the viewers have grown up with the movies, so why are you going backwards all of a sudden? Not to mention this being the end of the trilogy so I can’t expect that the next one will be better than this one.
My final rant is a plot I wrote right after I came back from watching it yesterday, contains the entire plot of the movie, I didn’t change the final half completely because I had to rest after all that 3D and moving chairs, just added ideas which I thought could have been in some scenes. It’s not great, some scenes could be cliche too, but it’s what I wished could have been. I haven’t watched the entire TV series, so please put that into consideration.
(I didn’t write Grimmel’s name because I forgot what it was at the time when I was writing this down, but I think bad guy’s enough for his current characterization and you could add any name in it if you wanted, I also forgot how you call the people of Berk and just wrote vikings instead. There’s no full dialogue scenes either, just some gibberish lines.)
Hiccup and gang saves the dragons, and returns to Berk.
Berk is overpopulated by dragons and humans, and while managing to co-exist with them, are having problems like the dragons consuming too many fish, serious arson, and some of the vikings (including Gobber) are interested in plundering other villages with their dragons, because that’s what VIKINGS DO.
The giant dragon knocks down the towers which served as houses for the dragons, and they need a place to stay, and the newcomer dragons end up barging into the Vikings’ houses, being not accustomed to the rules. The alpha, Toothless, tries to control them, but the damage is done.
So, Hiccup is forced to look for a haven for some of the dragons to stay beyond Berk, which he recalls the memory of his dad, and the stories of the ‘Hidden World of Dragons.’ And while he wants to work on looking for that, Hiccup is chief, and can’t leave the village like he used to while Stoick was around. Hiccup also addresses that they’ll have to do something about the dragon hunters and their plans to use the dragons as weapons, and same scene with Gobber, him saying that one day Hiccup will meet his match.
(Scene with the Conquerors, showing them training dragons to be brutal killers and detailed plans of weaponizing them) appearance of the bad guy, he doesn’t look menacing, thin and has the appearance of a weasel. Is irked at the mentioning of ‘dragon riders’, and follows similarly to movie scene. (shows his power of DARTS by immobilizing a big dragon)
Snotlout, claiming to be second in charge, leaves with Astrid, (and the dragons) and he brags about how dismayed she must be to lose such a guy like him (Astrid ignores him), and continues to fantasize about Hiccup’s mom.
Astrid: (disgusted, scoffs) she’s like the same age as your mom
Snotlout: and more awesome, thinner and beautiful...... (A:ugh)
Snotlout mumbles about her probably preferring Eret, and they talk over Snotlout feeling inferior and wanting to get compensation from being adored by stronger women. (like Valka or Astrid) Astrid points out he can’t fill in that gap by getting married to the previous chief’s wife, he has to prove himself actually being courageous (S:Which I am!)
They go through clouds, and is astonished.
(black screen, transitions to Berk)
Toothless tries to play with Hiccup, but he’s burdened by his chief duties and can’t spend time with his bud. Pouting, Toothless leaves the hut and catches the scent of the Light Fury and searches for her, meeting in the forest. They have a moment, but she flies away, and Toothless looks at his prosthetic tail with resent, and looks back to the sky with longing.
(Transition to hidden island in the clouds)
Snotlout and Astrid arrive on the island, and finds it good enough to hide the dragons in it, and the dragons find refuge in the woods. Snotlout announces all is done and they should leave, but Astrid decides to explore the island, and draws it on pieces of paper. Snotlout questions what she’s doing, and Astrid answers it’s for Hiccup’s map. S comments on when she’s so become like Hiccup, and she comments,
Yeah, I never saw it coming.
(Astrid smiles as she continues to draw, when suddenly she spots the Light Fury in the sky, and hurriedly draws it on another paper.)
Done with work, Hiccup sighs as he finally comes out, and sees Toothless, and asks whether his bud wants to get some flying with him. Toothless looks depressed, and trips Hiccup with his prosthetic tail.
“Aw, come on, what you’d do that for?” (Toothless:growls) and Hiccup is slightly worried about him.
Astrid arrives with Snotlout, their mission accomplished, and Snotlout announces that HE’S seen a NEW NIGHT FURY, ONLY WHITE BUT NEW AND IT WAS HE WHO FOUND IT SO HE’LL NAME IT- Astrid comes over to Hiccup, and hands over the drawing, and that it disappeared while being chased by other dragons she’s never seen before.(the bad guy’s dragons.) She comments on them being very hostile, and that they were trying to force the L.Fury to come with them. Toothless listens to them talking, and makes enthusiastic motions at the mentioning of the Light Fury (also named by Astrid)
(transition to Valka) she talks about how the Night furies went extinct (memory scene) she was looking for other dragons which were going extinct, and comes across the bad guy’s lair which had skull upon skull of all kinds of dragons, and mostly Night and Light furies. And since she could communicate with dragons she never heard of them recalling on seeing another Night Fury, so assumed they had gone extinct. (Fishlegs adding that the last records of N,Furies were made of patches of writings from decades ago, so it was unclear whether they went extinct or not)
After listening to Valka, Hiccup is delighted at the idea of finding a new dragon, and wants to go and find it. Some of the Vikings are interested in having another Night fury to protect them, which they could use in their pillaging villages.(Viking stuff) Hiccup is still against using dragons as weapons, (H: They are our family) and Gobber counters, We are already using them to make weapons, you, are doing it as well, Hiccup. (H:But not to harm other humans-) But you are no Dragon. It’s high time you chose the side where you want to rule over.
And Hiccup notices most of the things he did was to assist in humans living a better life with dragons than actually trying to solve the problems the villagers had. He wonders whether he just took the place of chief just to not disappoint his father. Hiccup turns to talk with Toothless to collect his thoughts, but he’s not there, and Hiccup feels more alone and burdened than ever.
Toothless is absent during the previous scene, as he hears distress calls from afar and looks for the Light Fury. He can’t fly, but can glides down and climbs trees to look for her, and finds her hurt and afraid, injured by the bad guy’s dragons.
(same scene like the movie, tries to court her, but fails, tries again, but fails, and then succeeds with the drawing.) and when she tries to get more close, she’s shot by the evil guy’s dart, and Toothless is captured in a trap. He calls a distress call, which orders all of the dragons on Berk, who goes to save him, and the Vikings including Hiccup notice this. Before Toothless is taken, Hiccup arrives on the back of another dragon, and Hiccup encounters his enemy for the first time, but the guy flies away with his dragons.
(transition to dart scene) Eret explains who the bad guy is, calls him ‘The Dragonslayer’ who was rumored to have killed all of the Night Furies. which connects to Valka’s story of the dragon skeleton heap. Eret adds, that if the conquerors have called upon the bad guy, then they must be ready for another attack. The Vikings call on war with the conquerors and the Dragonslayer, and they’ll use their dragons to crush them. Against the idea, Hiccup tries to say they could work things out without fighting, but he is reminded by Snotlout (Valka winces) how that turned out a year ago. He looks for Astrid to support, but she agrees with Snotlout, saying that she can’t lose him too. Not a second time. And she glances at his prosthetic leg. [which H notices, and understands]
The crowd over agreeing or disagreeing on war, and Hiccup bellows Enough!
He asks to give him some time, he’ll work something out, and goes into his hut. (opens his map and Stoick’s book about the Hidden world.
(same scene with the bad guy)(the bad guy’s dragons circle around Hiccup, threatening him, drooling venom)they have a talk about how the guy became a hero by killing a night Fury, (Hiccup is reminded of himself
in the first movie) Hiccup claims the dragons are harmless, and can live along with humans, as he has proven with Berk,
But the bad guy retorts, then why can’t the other Vikings exist with the dragons, if they are so harmless? Why didn’t the people of Berk co-exist with dragons before Hiccup, although they must have had so many chances to?
Hiccup: Because they went the easy way of trying to kill them off.
B.G: Exactly. And how wrong is that? You don’t seriously think dragons to be equal to you? Just because they are big lizards that breathe fire and can fly? You wouldn’t befriend flies even if they had grown to the size of a horse, you kill them. same with dragons.
Hiccup tries to ignore the bad guy’s words, claiming he’s nothing but a cold blooded murderer, and the bad guy says he killed dragons for humans, and was therefore hailed a hero among men. Just like Stoick.
“And whose chief were you again? Hiccup, Savior of Dragons?”
Suddenly, Astrid hacks into the hut with Stormfly, which smelled the dragons’ venom. She saves Hiccup (and asleep Toothless or fake Fishlegs, but then Toothless comes to save Hiccup with Astrid)
and the bad guy retreats on his dragons, shouting that he will kill off the last Night fury alive, and he will wear their skin as his coat to honor Stoick, the greatest of dragonkillers. If Hiccup dares to stop him, he will destroy Berk. (The hut is burnt down)
Everyone hurridly arrives to see Stoick’s hut burn down, and Astrid pulling Hiccup out, them coughing from the smoke.
Hiccup says they’re in danger, the bad guy’s going to come for them unless he gives up Toothless and the dragons. The Vikings and Snotlout claim this a proclamation of war, and they leave to prepare for it, and Hiccup tries to stop them, but they don’t listen, and leave off without him.
Agitated, he sighs, and leans on a post to think. Astrid comes up to Hiccup, and asks him if he’s okay.
Hiccup: Yeah, probably, on a second…I don’t think so.
She smiles as she gives him the map of the island she (and Snotlout)found.
“I don’t think this is the place you were looking for.. but it’s not half bad. And it’s a new add to your map. “
Hiccup ponders on this information, large, not on the map, and hidden from plain sight.
He calls on the Vikings that they could move on to this Island to hide themselves, and the dragons to hide from the ships that are coming for Berk. Hiccup declares that he cannot lose the soul of Berk which is both this island and the lives of people of it.) Including the dragons.
(same scene with the bad guy and the conquerors) – B.G says he has a plan to find them
(Moves off to the island with the dragons.)
(scene with Snotlout and Valka talking about inferiority issues (she says she only loves Stoick, and gives him motherly advice on being warrior like by talking about Stoick)
---(Below are summaries of the scene from the movie, and the ideas I wished it could have been)
*The L.F arrives on the island, Toothless is given the good new tail and goes after her
Hiccup tries to capture the bad guy, falls into obvious trap (Ruffnut captured and annoys the bad guy, he follows her back with the armada)
- Ruffnut talks about everything about the Hiccup Gang, the bad guy could have like used that to harm Astrid and force Hiccup to do his shit or if they’re only eating fish, use some dragon to poison the water and fish so they’ll starve to death. Ever heard of Siege tactics?
*Hiccup tries to find Toothless, finds the hidden world. (Toothless hailed king, Hiccup is saved by Toothless and remembers his dad talking about his mom and getting not married and how love is powerful)
- This could have gone like this, Hiccup and Astrid is attacked by the dragons, and as Hiccup is the intruder, (or he or Astrid accidentally injures a dragon) Toothless shows hostility towards him, (mirrors hostility from first movie), until he recognizes it’s his best friend. Hiccup, who looks upon him with some fear. Toothless tries to look menacing to save face, and ‘kidnaps Hiccup and Astrid’, flying out to the outside world to save his friends.
- and Hiccup has a flashback of his dad, being this dragon killing warrior, and how he too wanted to be like his dad. But despite his fearsome front, he still believed in love and loved his mother.
*Goes back to Berk, only to find that the L.Fury returned with them, she is captured by the bad guy, and Toothless is captured, and the other dragons have to follow their ‘Alpha’ and are caged.
Hiccup is distressed, Astrid cheers him up, the gang suit up and glide down to the so conveniently barked enemy ships ALONE and tries to save Toothless (with no plan, just kamikazes into it)
- After the bad guy leaves, the Vikings panic on having no ships and stuff and they’re stuck on the island(All of their dragons are gone and nobody notices or panics?? Did the dragons mean nothing to them?)
- Hiccup talks with Astrid about how similar he could have been to the bad guy, whether if the bad guy is actually the true successor of his dad, the dragon slaying warrior. Astrid reminds Hiccup of how he’s changed the lives of Berk for the better by saving and looking for ways to live with dragons, that he’s always been looking for ways for both dragons and humans, and just because everyone doesn’t get Hiccup’s methods deem his work useless. Hiccup being an exception has changed so many lives and destinies, including his dad. And don’t forget it’s him who made Astrid who she is now. Now determined, Hiccup stands.
- (Orders the Vikings to fight for their once friends, and regain the victory of vikings (and Snotlout agrees with him, (maybe he’s finally learned some humiliation and acceptance by then, idk)
- Leads the Vikings all to fly, and they all attack the fleet (surely he has more flying suits...)
*they don’t save Toothless until the last part, saves the other dragons first and destroys ships, and then has fight with bad guy, who flies off with L.Fury and Hiccup follows with Toothless, Toothless zaps the other evil dragons into oblivion, bad guy injures Toothless and Hiccup holds onto the guy and tells L.F to go save Toothless, and he lets go and falls with the bad guy.
Bad guy rips off Hiccup’s wings, and L.F catches Hiccup, Hiccup takes off his prosthetic leg and the guy (holding on to the leg) falls to the ocean and dies(probably)
- There could be dialogue in this scene, cliché but cool like if your father could see you now something. Maybe he takes both Astrid and the Light Fury and makes Hiccup choose between the two,
and Hiccup frees the Light Fury, tells her to save Toothless, hands himself over to the bad guy, and chooses to fall to the sea to save Astrid .
“If your father could see you now. Sacrificing the love of your life... and your life for a dragon.”
“He’d be proud.”
[insert Astrid grinning back at Hiccup]
- Astrid attacks the bad guy, who falls from his dragon(or falls with dragon until the dragon gets to his senses and abandons him) and Astrid leaps down to save Hiccup, (she tries to glide but the fall is too great) and they hold onto each other before falling……and then the Light fury catches them. (Give me more Hiccstrid dammit)
(Hiccup chooses to let the dragons go, away from the humans so that they’ll never be used as weapons again)
(I kind of expected the dragons to shut the door to their world and that’s why they can’t meet again, and can’t they just go back to the isle of Berk by making ships? I see no reason for them to not go back home)
*Hiccup lets go of Toothless and the dragons, and gets married with Astrid (best scene with the final fight scene, where they both look at each other and the soundtrack from the first movie oh SO GREAT )
Years pass, Berk has no dragons, and Hiccup and Astrid and their kids go to the end of the world and sees Toothless again, Toothless remembers Hiccup and they ride him and Stormfly and goes off (monologue going on like the dragons are waiting for humans to accept them)
- monologue about Berk, establishing shot with clouds, the first person view being a flying figure, and the viewer sees faint figures which look like dragons flying through the sky. The camera moves through clouds and dives down, showing the new island of Berk, the sea and Viking fleet.
- Hiccup leading a fleet with Astrid, they come across a great mist and hear sounds of dragons, but cannot see them. Astrid stands on the front deck with her children, they try to touch the mist as if she’s trying to touch the clouds (homage to first movie) The new generation of vikings are worried of the sounds being a threat, but Hiccup calms them down, and silently waits looking up to the clouds.
Suddenly a black great figure lands on the ship, the children scramble behind Astrid’s back, and she assures them, saying it’s okay.
- Hiccup slowly movies towards the figure, and same scene as in movie, they recognize each other, and the camera shows their expressions (as if they realize something forgotten) and ends with title.
(End)
The bad guy’s plot for my plot (the first half I wrote) , First, make his dragons force the Light Fury to land on Berk to hide herself, and she’ll meet Toothless, and the N.L furies mate for life so they’ll fall for each other. The Light Fury’ll want to find a safe place to not get captured again, so she’ll look for a place to hide with her possible future mate in or out of Berk, but he orders his dragons to injure her, and get her calling for help, forcing Toothless to be more concerned about her. (Making them inseparable) And then it returns back to the movie with him capturing her and then forcing Toothless to be captured and then taking all the dragons in Berk.......................................................................................................................but why doesn’t he force them to lead him to the Hidden world, where he could kill all dragons by blocking the hole and Atlantising them? Why would he let her go in the first place, without any dragon following where she is?? Can he SMELL DRAGON? IS THAT HOW HE CAN TRACK THEM DOWN?? How was he sure that they’d come back after the Light Fury took Toothless back to the H.Word??? This is so confusing and ugh your plans are the worst GRIMMEL THE GRISLY YOUR NAME IS FORGETFUL AND SO IS YOUR TITLE OF DRAGON KILLER GO FOR SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE CAN REMEMBER AFTER HOLDING ONTO MOVING CHAIRS FOR OVER AN HOUR in fact, you are NEVER SHOWN ACTUALLY KILLING A DRAGON, YOU ALWAYS JUST PUT THEM TO SLEEP YOU ARE NOT A DRAGON SLEEP FAIRY
I do think the sub-title ‘The Hidden World’ doesn’t suit this plot, but it doesn’t matter probably. I’m really sad to see it go, but am still joyous to see that wedding scene. I’m happy to have grown up with you, How to Train your Dragon, good bye and farewell.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Why Canada needs quality queer entertainment
Carmilla's Natasha Negovanlis reflects on the responsibility of queer entertainers, both on screen and off
By Natasha Negovanlis @natvanlis February 7, 2017
I remember the day I booked the now-hit web series Carmilla like it was yesterday. I was so ecstatic I performed an awkward little happy dance to the dust bunnies in my bedroom when I received the call from my talent agent. I had never wanted to land a part so intensely. From the moment I read the character breakdown for the titular role, this unexplainable and innate feeling told me it was a role I had to play. Maybe it’s because playing a vampire was something I had always wanted to cross off my “acting bucket list,” or because Carmilla was described as being “capable of profound loneliness” and that spoke to me. But mostly, I think it’s because it would finally give me the opportunity to portray a lesbian on screen—and one who actually gets her fairytale ending.
As a pansexual woman, I grew up watching the only lesbian show that was available to me over and over again. It was Showtime’s The L Word, and when I first started to realize I was also romantically interested in women, it was my saving grace. As it flickered on the television in my teenage bedroom, I recall thinking how cool it was and hoped for the courage to be out and proud. Now my own fans tell me they have a similar experience when binge-watching episodes of our little show on YouTube, and it’s gratifying to be a role model.
If you’re not familiar with the show, Carmilla is a modern retelling of Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu’s gothic novella of the same name. Written 25 years before Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the original story is considered the first vampire tale by some historians, and that it was Le Fanu who created the negative, oversexualized lesbian vampire trope. Nearly 150 years later, the story was revamped into a video-blog–style adaptation that takes a cautionary tale about the “dangers” of female sexuality and turns it on its head. Instead of an outdated homophobic story, the team created a version of Carmilla that offers both a queer-positive and feminist narrative. The importance of such a series resonated with many, and received a great deal of support in return, from executive producer U by Kotex, branded entertainment agency shift2, and production company Smokebomb Entertainment.
There are too many places in the world—unfortunately, even in Canada—where being anything but heteronormative is still not accepted. In some cases, it’s even illegal and many people in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer community (especially youth) feel alienated, isolated, and sometimes even suicidal. Many turn to scripted content for escape—but finding positive portrayals can prove difficult. Studies have shown that the landscape of media is slowly changing for the better: a GLAAD media report examining 2016 television series found almost five percent of characters were identified as LGBTQ+. But too often, lesbian characters’ stories end in misery: these women die, have breakdowns, or end up heartbroken. It fuels the misguided idea that there is something wrong with being queer.
That’s why it is so imperative that queer characters are no longer misrepresented in film and television. And that is why I think Carmilla is such an important and successful show: because it stars the queer heroes that LGBTQ fans deserve.
Carmilla is the full escape. It’s young adults solving mysteries and fighting evil in their supernatural university. It’s action and adventure, whimsy and campiness. Sexuality isn’t in the foreground, and it isn’t a harrowing coming-out story (albeit, coming-out stories are important to share too) but it still features an honest and realistic lesbian relationship—one that has resonated with fans.
I first realized how important queer representation in entertainment was in August 2014, when I was shooting the first season of Carmilla. We filmed it in only four days, over two blocks of shooting, and after the first block we released six episodes that began trending online. While sitting in hair and makeup, one of my co-stars showed me the first piece of fan art someone had posted on social media of my character. It was a charming pencil sketch of me as the broody gay vamp, attached to a virtual “thank you” letter. My heart melted and it brought me to tears. That is when I knew I was part of something bigger.
Today, Carmilla has three seasons, a prequel, a holiday special, more than 50 million views worldwide, and will soon be a feature film. One simple piece of fan art has become tens of thousands of creations, and it’s a digital phenomenon that allows me travel to comic conventions, media events, panels, and more.
But for me, it’s not about red carpets and the illusion of glamour. It’s about feeling the warm energy a room full of fans gives off, and meeting parents who say to me, “Thanks for telling my kid they’re worthy.” It’s the lives and perspectives that have been changed forever.Carmilla is one of few positive queer love stories available on screen for LGBTQ+ audiences, and it is important for me not take for granted the gift of social responsibility that I have been given with this show. I hope to continue to accurately and fairly represent queer women, even as I shift into writing and producing content of my own. My heart and eyes have been forced wide open, and I encourage others to think critically about the media they’re consuming—all because of our fans, and a little web series that could. [x]
297 notes
·
View notes
Text
TGIWednesday and having money run to ME!
TGIWednesday News
My brother and I were taught early on about the value of money. Our father while very generous was also a disciplinarian. I have no doubt that I observed and adopted his work ethic of go go go. Money became a desire for all of us back in the day...next new car, home or exotic vacation.
Today however it is more important than ever to not just do anything for the money only. Whatever you do, make every effort to find joy in it, even if it’s the benefits, comradery of co workers, or some abstract part of the job that you enjoy. Over time, it’s important to lead a well balanced life between work/job/career, family, money, health/well being. As we age, the last thing you want to do is trade any one for the other. Instead of running after the money, this whole month, we’re going to entice money to run to us!
TGIWednesday Download
~ MONEY IS RUNNING TO ME ~
Today I will remain in the blessings of abundance, money, prosperity and good fortune. I believe, think, know and feel that money is making a run in my direction. I am ready, willing and able and have released all blocks that held money at bay. I know, when, where, how and why to allow the frequency of money rain on all that I am doing. I am asking for this in all languages & throughout all time lines and so it is.
Live Show Appearances
YOU WEALTH REVOLUTION hosted by Darius
New Energy, New You™!
New Season Happening Now!
It's the biggest energy healing event of the year - best of all it’s FREE from your home!
During this online event, the world’s top energy healing and life transformation experts will conduct daily live energy healing calls with hundreds of life-changing energy processes.
REGISTER NOW and Get Your FREE Gift ($67 Value) The incredible new Soul Spa 2.0™ and 741 Hz download which works to cleanse your aura and release toxic stress, worry and old anchors.
Jimmy's LIVE Interview is Thurs. May 13th & he will be taking LIVE callers!
------------------------------------
As you know by now, I will not be returning to our weekly Jimmy Mack Healing Radio show in 2021. We will of course be guest or co-hosting on a variety of other shows on occasion. So stay tuned to this section of TGIW as a variety of future show line ups will be posted!
Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives:
https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/
Monthly LIVE Zoom Event
These calls are unique in that you have the benefit of tapping into a multitude of issues that our participants with truly insightful comments have submitted for the group each month on a different topic.
We compile that list of dozens of write-ins and one by one, Jimmy clears them ALL together during the live calls.
And know too that during the LIVE call, Jimmy brings in additional pieces from Spirit in the moment of reading each item that really expand on things and cover the clearings in a much deeper way.
The value in this is tremendous! Instead of paying $68 for a half hour one on one with me where we might clear a dozen or so items, you can join our group each month for just $22 where together in 30 minutes you will watch in silence and amazement as you hear and feel the shifts of over 100 items - most of which you haven’t even thought of until you hear them LIVE!!
NEXT LIVE ZOOM EVENT
Wed. March 31st at 7:30pm EDT
Register now - $22 (includes replay)
https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/march31-switches
Register Here - $22
Book A Session in Tampa
SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS
Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions on FRIDAY MARCH 26th from 10-4pm
403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609
Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy
http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com
Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.
Fish Food
The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish
Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations
and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack
MARCH 10th
"Today, I will extend patience in all of my dealings. I will make amends to those who I have wronged and those who have wronged me. I will extend an olive branch to those who have slighted me and let bygones be bygones. I will amend that which I did not think could be amended. I will compromise and make peace."
From the Fish Box
"Hi Jimmy, Thanks very much for your amazing service! The court case is moving forward in the best way possible. I got an update from our lawyer yesterday. He said the case is moving in the direction he wants it to go. My husband and I continue to grow in our love for each other. I am making progress in real estate investing. I found a program that provides transactional funding for deals. And the biggest news is:.. we just received news of money in the multiple six-figures! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am definitely signing up (for daily prayers) again! I am very grateful for your invaluable spiritual support."
- Lorna
Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy
Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list.
Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.
In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.
The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.
Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf. Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!
You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers.
You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day!
Sign Up for 30-Days - $99
For those who aren't familiar, below is a list of the 30+ audios in the MyBeliefWorks series.... Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family.
Receiving Abundance
Freedom from Abuse
Overcoming Addiction
Body Scan: Head to Toe Healing
Experiencing Bountiful Harvest
Igniting Creative Spark
Daily GPS Reset
Releasing Dark Energies/Fears
Focused Decision Making
Diet & Exercise Support
Education & Learning Support
Improving Family Relationships
Attracting a Financial Windfall
Gold Coin: More Money in All Forms
Healing Body Disorders
Healing Mental Stress
Relieving Holiday Stress
Increasing Intuition
Ease Dealing w/Tax Time
Finding Love & Romance
Positive Money Mindset
Moving Forward
Chronic Pain Relief
Pet Healing Support
Improving Sales & Success
Improving Sex
Improving Sleep
Traveling with Ease
Work & Career Success
Weight Loss Support
Restoring Youth & Vitality
**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**
Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!
Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime!
Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist
The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session!
This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary!
It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results.
This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.
LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE
TGIFunny
Share
Tweet
Forward
Pinterest
Jimmy Mack | Appointments
Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA
Book a 15 minute session
Book a 30 minute session
Book a 60 minute session
Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!
Download the My Liquid Fish™ Starter Kit (*Updated December 2020)
Audio MP3 Downloads and books to improve your life!
Get Certified in My Liquid Fish™Change Made Simple™
Watch Free Videos on YouTube
Radio Show Archives
Shop for Supplements
http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com
www.jimmymackhealing.com
Copyright ©1998-2021 All Rights Reserved
--------------------------------------------------
TGIW newsletter managed by:
Sandy Bidinger
Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions
www.smbeconnected.com
Stay connected!
Our mailing address is:
Clearwater Florida 33756 USA
0 notes
Text
TGIWednesday and having money run to ME!
TGIWednesday News
My brother and I were taught early on about the value of money. Our father while very generous was also a disciplinarian. I have no doubt that I observed and adopted his work ethic of go go go. Money became a desire for all of us back in the day...next new car, home or exotic vacation.
Today however it is more important than ever to not just do anything for the money only. Whatever you do, make every effort to find joy in it, even if it’s the benefits, comradery of co workers, or some abstract part of the job that you enjoy. Over time, it’s important to lead a well balanced life between work/job/career, family, money, health/well being. As we age, the last thing you want to do is trade any one for the other. Instead of running after the money, this whole month, we’re going to entice money to run to us!
TGIWednesday Download
~ MONEY IS RUNNING TO ME ~
Today I will remain in the blessings of abundance, money, prosperity and good fortune. I believe, think, know and feel that money is making a run in my direction. I am ready, willing and able and have released all blocks that held money at bay. I know, when, where, how and why to allow the frequency of money rain on all that I am doing. I am asking for this in all languages & throughout all time lines and so it is.
Live Show Appearances
YOU WEALTH REVOLUTION hosted by Darius
New Energy, New You™!
New Season Happening Now!
It's the biggest energy healing event of the year - best of all it’s FREE from your home!
During this online event, the world’s top energy healing and life transformation experts will conduct daily live energy healing calls with hundreds of life-changing energy processes.
REGISTER NOW and Get Your FREE Gift ($67 Value) The incredible new Soul Spa 2.0™ and 741 Hz download which works to cleanse your aura and release toxic stress, worry and old anchors.
Jimmy's LIVE Interview is Thurs. May 13th & he will be taking LIVE callers!
------------------------------------
As you know by now, I will not be returning to our weekly Jimmy Mack Healing Radio show in 2021. We will of course be guest or co-hosting on a variety of other shows on occasion. So stay tuned to this section of TGIW as a variety of future show line ups will be posted!
Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives:
https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/
Monthly LIVE Zoom Event
These calls are unique in that you have the benefit of tapping into a multitude of issues that our participants with truly insightful comments have submitted for the group each month on a different topic.
We compile that list of dozens of write-ins and one by one, Jimmy clears them ALL together during the live calls.
And know too that during the LIVE call, Jimmy brings in additional pieces from Spirit in the moment of reading each item that really expand on things and cover the clearings in a much deeper way.
The value in this is tremendous! Instead of paying $68 for a half hour one on one with me where we might clear a dozen or so items, you can join our group each month for just $22 where together in 30 minutes you will watch in silence and amazement as you hear and feel the shifts of over 100 items - most of which you haven’t even thought of until you hear them LIVE!!
NEXT LIVE ZOOM EVENT
Wed. March 31st at 7:30pm EDT
Register now - $22 (includes replay)
https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/march31-switches
Register Here - $22
Book A Session in Tampa
SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS
Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions on FRIDAY MARCH 26th from 10-4pm
403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609
Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy
http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com
Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.
Fish Food
The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish
Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations
and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack
MARCH 10th
"Today, I will extend patience in all of my dealings. I will make amends to those who I have wronged and those who have wronged me. I will extend an olive branch to those who have slighted me and let bygones be bygones. I will amend that which I did not think could be amended. I will compromise and make peace."
From the Fish Box
"Hi Jimmy, Thanks very much for your amazing service! The court case is moving forward in the best way possible. I got an update from our lawyer yesterday. He said the case is moving in the direction he wants it to go. My husband and I continue to grow in our love for each other. I am making progress in real estate investing. I found a program that provides transactional funding for deals. And the biggest news is:.. we just received news of money in the multiple six-figures! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am definitely signing up (for daily prayers) again! I am very grateful for your invaluable spiritual support."
- Lorna
Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy
Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list.
Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.
In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.
The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.
Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf. Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!
You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers.
You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day!
Sign Up for 30-Days - $99
For those who aren't familiar, below is a list of the 30+ audios in the MyBeliefWorks series.... Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family.
Receiving Abundance
Freedom from Abuse
Overcoming Addiction
Body Scan: Head to Toe Healing
Experiencing Bountiful Harvest
Igniting Creative Spark
Daily GPS Reset
Releasing Dark Energies/Fears
Focused Decision Making
Diet & Exercise Support
Education & Learning Support
Improving Family Relationships
Attracting a Financial Windfall
Gold Coin: More Money in All Forms
Healing Body Disorders
Healing Mental Stress
Relieving Holiday Stress
Increasing Intuition
Ease Dealing w/Tax Time
Finding Love & Romance
Positive Money Mindset
Moving Forward
Chronic Pain Relief
Pet Healing Support
Improving Sales & Success
Improving Sex
Improving Sleep
Traveling with Ease
Work & Career Success
Weight Loss Support
Restoring Youth & Vitality
**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**
Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!
Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime!
Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist
The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session!
This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary!
It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results.
This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.
LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE
TGIFunny
Share
Tweet
Forward
Pinterest
Jimmy Mack | Appointments
Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA
Book a 15 minute session
Book a 30 minute session
Book a 60 minute session
Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations!
Download the My Liquid Fish™ Starter Kit (*Updated December 2020)
Audio MP3 Downloads and books to improve your life!
Get Certified in My Liquid Fish™Change Made Simple™
Watch Free Videos on YouTube
Radio Show Archives
Shop for Supplements
http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com
www.jimmymackhealing.com
Copyright ©1998-2021 All Rights Reserved
--------------------------------------------------
TGIW newsletter managed by:
Sandy Bidinger
Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions
www.smbeconnected.com
Stay connected!
Our mailing address is:
Clearwater Florida 33756 USA
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
prodashibe
Untitled
under19-jjs
정진성 love bot
spacecasesimmies
spacecase simmies
haroldsman
blog for gay things
waveoftheocean
blub blub