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halemerry · 9 months

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So there's a lot to unpack here but I want to start by talking about the ending and specifically about the Metatron and the calculating moves made at the end of episode 6.

Every single piece of what happened there was a manipulation technique being employed against Aziraphale to an almost brilliant degree and I'm honestly a little obsessed with what this says about the Metatron in particular.

Let's go in order.

First of all. We see him order coffee. In a human body. Something sweet and sugary. He talks to Nina and asks her about her shop name. Does anyone ever ask for death? And when she tells him no they don't his response is to say "so predictable". Our introduction to him here even when everything about him reads like a sweet old man is presented to show us someone who reads the world in terms of being predictable to him.

He then shows up in the middle of Aziraphale's existence being threatened. He immediately cuts down the threat's authority (using outdated language like Az himself would favor) and reemphasizes his own connection to Heaven. When Michael doesn't recognize him and he puts her down and then directly engages Crowley. Crowley who, to Aziraphale, has for centuries at a minimum been someone he thinks is smarter, better, more Good than these other archangels. The Metatron validates these beliefs. Crowley is more Heavenly than these archangels who couldn't even recognize the voice of God when he was standing right in front of them.

The Metatron draws attention to the fact he's in a human body. The kind of body Aziraphale has been in and loved for nearly 6000 years. He then banishes the archangels, implying their morality is in a gray space, and validates Muriel someone we have seen Aziraphale react positively to and someone outside the current power structure. Look at me, he's saying. I see and validate the little guy.

He then tries to talk to Aziraphale. Aziraphale says "I've made my position quite clear." And then the Metatron offers Aziraphale the coffee. This bartering chip, consuming sustenance, is a thing that Aziraphale and Crowley have used as their connective tissue for centuries. It's an olive branch for them. It's giving Aziraphale bodily pleasure and the Metatron implies that he himself has partaken also - a thing we know that Aziraphale has struggled historically with moralizing. He is seen by the closest thing he has left to his parent and he is having old fears validated as safe and old habits being played upon to make him feel secure

He then REMOVES Aziraphale from his home turf. Not only does he remove Crowley from the equation but he takes Aziraphale from the place that has stood as a place of sanctuary throughout the entirety of the season. The shop is Safe and Aziraphale is leaving it and he is leaving the one person who might be able to smell the bullshit coming from the Metatron. The music notably turns absolutely dire here.

The next time we see them the Metatron tells Aziraphale that he doesn't need to answer instantly. He can take his time, if he likes. All the time he needs. And then tells him to go tell Crowley. Once again bringing Crowley in as a valid part of this while manufacturing a scenario where he can't possibly be.

Az ends up in a place where he's overwhelmed and confused and he wants so badly to believe what he's being told. It's an appealing thing from his perspective! He feels off kilter like he's made a mistake in judging the Metatron. He can't even fully articulate what happened to Crowley at first and he's had absolutely no real time to actually think it through. He's running on sheer reactive energy.

The Metatron starts their conversation by asking Aziraphale's opinion. Who should rule Heaven? This is once again playing into making Az feel validated and like he's a part of this decision making process. The Metatron corrects him, complimenting Aziraphale and making him feel capable and in control. He reassures Aziraphale's bafflement. And draws attention to some traits that, while true of Aziraphale around Crowley, are not his defining traits in the eyes of Heaven. You don't just tell people what they want to hear I find particularly notable in this regard given Aziraphale spent most of his time on earth actively lying to Heaven and doing just that. But it fits into the narrative Aziraphale has built around himself, especially post Apocalypse. The Metatron then says I need you (a phrase Az will use much more painfully here in a minute).

And even after all this Aziraphale says no. He says flat out he doesn't want to go back to Heaven. He says this!!! And then the Metatron sweetens the pot. He swaps tactics. Not once has this come up until Aziraphale pushes back against the idea. If the Metatron could've gotten him without using it I have no doubt he wouldn't have bothered with it. Come to Heaven and we can save Crowley. Aziraphale loves Crowley. Aziraphale thinks Crowley is better than any of the angels he's interacted with. Crowley is Good and Nice and Kind and always saving him and now he's being presented with a way to return that. He can Forgive Crowley - a thing Crowley has always presented to Aziraphale as something he struggles with. All of these things Aziraphale has watched Crowley react to in a way that belittles himself or distances them from one another. Of course he wouldn't consider that maybe what he was actually saying is "I'm unforgivable and I don't want that forgiveness."

The Metatron offers Aziraphale a Dream Offer for the pre Armageddon Aziraphale. You can keep your Crowley. You can heal him like you have always thought he deserved. You can have power and control the people who for your whole existence has beaten you down. It can go back to how it was but BETTER.

When Aziraphale leaves he still hasn't answered. He goes and has the conversation they have. It's intense and emotional and the Metatron comes in after the Moment all casual and asks how it goes, knowing fully well the shitstorm he had just set up to get created. And then he turns around and says "always did want to go his own way" which is not only true of Crowley but framed as a bad thing despite the fact that he has just spent twenty minutes or so telling Aziraphale that he's done his own thing and that is Good. He is playing both sides of this perspective as it suits him. And then he cuts down Crowley asking questions, pressuring Aziraphale to avoid doing the same. He then proceeds to ask Aziraphale not if he's made up his mind but if he's ready to get started. He is one by one closing off exit routes to this thing as Aziraphale starts to look more and more panicked and indecisive. He makes sure the bookshop is in good hands and asks Aziraphale if there's anything he needs to take with him. Letting Aziraphale have the illusion of choice while cutting down "I don't want to" as an option altogether.

And Az, as soon as the Metatron is out of shot, tries to express this. And then he falls back right on old coping methods. The Metatron pats him on the head. Reassures that he's the right one for this. That he is Good. That his particular skillset is needed here.

It is a masterstroke of manipulation. A very dark twist on what we see Crowley do time and time again with Aziraphale throughout the millennia. Familiar in a way that makes Aziraphale feel safe. Except this time this is being used to put him back in line. It's brilliant and painful and it fucking hurt and I need a season 3 to see the Metatron get what's coming to him stat.

#good omens #good omens season 2 #gos2 spoilers #good omens spoilers #Metatron #Aziraphale #Episode 6 #Every Day #good omens meta

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withleeknow · 3 months

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magnolia.

pairing: minho x reader genre/warnings: established relationship, kinda fluffy, kinda angsty idek, hurt/comfort; unedited and self-indulgent as hell !! word count: 0.4k listen to 🎧: hold my girl - george ezra

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

navigation › masterlist › ko-fi

sometimes, it's crazy just how in tune minho is with you, how he can sense that something's wrong before you even have to say it.

he knows all of your signs - smiles that don't quite reach your eyes; soft, barely audible sighs instead of frustrated ones like when you're angry; talking about insignificant things throughout dinner with a distinct lack of energy just for the sake of holding a conversation and not letting your home fall into a state of depressing silence. an overall aloofness that can't simply be blamed on exhaustion.

when you're upset, you shut down.

minho doesn't need you to justify your defense mechanism, doesn't try to coax you out of your shell because he's the same way. when something is eating away at him, he detaches himself from the world too.

in those instances, the last thing he wants is for someone else to offer unhelpful advice when no one but him knows what's going through his mind.

there are some things that you just have to process on your own, some motions you have go through by yourself.

minho can only be by your side while you deal with your inner turmoil. hold your hand and give you a shoulder to lean on, whatever you need until you're ready to come back to him again.

that's what he does this time too. he doesn't ask you any questions; he just puts on the kettle and lights your favorite vanilla and magnolia scented candle. makes you a steaming mug of tea and peels some oranges, arranging the slices neatly on a plate afterward. then he sits on the couch next to you, a random movie playing on the tv that no one's really watching.

at some point, you move closer to tuck yourself under his arm. minho instantly pulls you to rest against his body, a hand on your shoulder giving you comforting squeezes over your sweatshirt.

just the two of you, the willingness to be there for the other especially when it's hard, and the occasional meows reverberating from somewhere nearby.

when he thinks you might've fallen asleep just like that, you start sniffling. the ache that minho feels in his chest is almost immediate.

even then, all he says is, "i'm here."

you meekly nod in acknowledgment as you continue to cry, painful sobs making you fist the material of his shirt in your hands.

he knows that you'll talk when you want to, when you're ready. he gets that in this moment, you just don't have the capacity to articulate your thoughts and explain your feelings in a way that other people could understand.

so he simply presses a kiss to your forehead and hugs you a little closer. he sits with you until it passes. he loves you enough to wait for you, to hold you through all of the lowest lows.

"i'm here. i love you. i'm right here."

permanent taglist: @onlyycb97wife @starsandrqindrops @borahae-reads @abbiestearsricochet @cutiespaghetti @anthropologykpopmultistan @moonlinos @mjnhoz @caitlyn98s @piercidh34rts @stayceebs97 @linocz @yaorzu-blog @biribarabiribbaem @kayleefriedchicken @extrhotjne @caitxx1 @palindrome969 @todorokiskitten @azuna-sz @meanergreener @nxzz1skz @jazziwritesthings (italicized = can't tag)

#stray kids fic #stray kids imagines #stray kids x reader #skz fic #skz imagines #skz x reader #skz x you #lee know fluff #lee know angst #lee know scenarios #lee know x reader #lee know imagines #lee know x you #lee minho x reader #lee minho x you #stray kids #lee know #lee minho

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genshinimpactlife · 1 year

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I hope im not sending too many asks but- if you dont mind, could I request nsfw headcannons of a flirty and fun reader whos shy in the bedroom but with the daddies Zhongli, Alhaitham and Diluc? The first one i requested made me giggle and kick my legs so why not another -🥐

Flirty Fun Reader Who Is Shy In The Bedroom (NSFW)

After so many years since Zhongli last dated, it was difficult for him to keep up with you.

You were so vibrant and fun to be around, and you brought the youth back to Zhongli.

He is a classy guy, but after dealing with your flirting for so long, he's learned how to give it right back.

He can be quite sensual when he wants to be, saying things that swept you off your feet.

He had expected your vibrant and extroverted personality to translate into the bedroom as well.

But the moment Zhongli slipped his jacket off, standing at the edge of the bed as he towered over you, he quickly realized that wasn't the case.

You had such a deep blush on your cheeks, and you couldn't even look him in the eyes.

"Is something the matter?"

You shook your head no, but you couldn't articulate what was happening to you.

"Is my little Dove nervous?"

Zhongli would climb on top of you once undressed, caging you against the bed.

"Don't worry; I'll help you reach new highs that will make you forget about your nervousness."

Alhaitham loved your flirty and fun personality.

In public, he is more reserved, but when the two of you are alone, he matches your energy.

He is the biggest tease, and sometimes he even beats you to the punch.

One night he came up behind you, wrapping his arms around you from behind. He whispered sweet nothings into your ear, and before you knew it, the two of you were in his bedroom.

But you became flustered when he slipped his hands under your shirt.

Of course, he immediately noticed the flushed cheeks, the nervous fidgeting.

"Has my girlfriend been all talk this entire time?"

He couldn't help but chuckle as he trailed kisses down your neck and across your chest.

"You're so precious like this. I think I like this side of you, Doll."

Diluc was so awkward at first. He wasn't used to a personality like yours.

He would get so flustered when you would flirt with him in public. He didn't know how to handle it.

It wasn't until a few months of dating that Diluc started to loosen up. He started matching your flirty energy more often.

So when the two of you ended up glued together on the couch, and he saw how shy you became?

It was his time to shine.

No more flustered Diluc unable to keep up with you.

"Come on, show me that pretty face of yours."

He teased you a few times until you were practically stuttering; you were so embarrassed.

"I just can't help myself, all those times you flirted with me in public, knowing it embarrassed me."

After that night he had such a confidence boost. He never got flustered again by your flirty comments.

Chef kiss, i love Zhongli and Alhaitham so much, they are ultimate daddies. Someone needs to request a daddy kink next time my requests are open, I'll do it, no shame

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@rainbowleo@okadahimeko @cyberpandas-blog @k1tty-c0spl4ys @ashzcookie @shdwwlkrsblog @coldasvenus-s

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leothil · 8 months

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fic recs: archive edition

So earlier this week I was lightly complaining about how there are so many good fics I read back in 2021 (the good old 5A days. Christ.) that I never se recommended anymore, and @shitouttabuck asked if I could make a rec post of some of those fics.

Now, I still think of myself as somewhat new in the fandom - I joined within the first episodes of 5A - but it is true that a lot of people I see on my dash nowadays came into it much later. Fandom in general has a big recency bias when it comes to fics, and trying to find older fics can be a daunting project, unless they've ended up on the first page of most kudosed/commented/bookmarked on AO3 or you have a lot of time and patience on your hands. There are currently over 21600 fics in the buddie tag on AO3, so I don't blame anyone for not having the energy to go through all of that.

Side note - calling fics published during or before S5 old feels fucking weird. I already gave some friends crises when I mentioned reccing "older fics (aka 2020-2021 ones)" so all of you who have been here longer than me - I know, trust me, I know. It was yesterday. We are withering away.

There's no way I could fit all fics I want to recommend into one post (I want to keep it kind of short so people actually have a chance to look into all the fics on the list), so I might do this as a weekly thing for a while. I quite enjoyed going back to some of the fics I devoured in my early days of fandom, so this might turn into a proper nostalgia trip for me personally!

Without further ado, some fics published in 2019/2020 that I think you should read:

falling by @elisela Buck and Eddie take a walk up to an overlook and share one of the softest moments I've ever read. 1.3k words, rated G

Work Husband by hideeho (@agentlemuse) Chimney messes with Eddie's phone and changes Buck's contact to "husband." Eddie doesn't change it back, for some reason he can't articulate to himself. 1.4k words, rated T

four a.m. by asgardiun (@kitchenscene) Buck follows the rain up to the roof of the firehouse. Eddie follows Buck. 2.9k words, rated G

Medicine Man by @lovelylittlegrim Buck hits his head at work, and Eddie kisses his forehead to make it better. Buck gets stuck on it and thinks he'd like Eddie to do it again. 4.1k words, rated G

like a revelation by throughfire Maddie watches Buck and Eddie's casual intimacy and is confused by what their relationship status is, until she gets help realizing she doesn't need to be. 5.2k words, rated G

the meaning of the words you see by @florenceandthemachine Nurse!Buck gets a text from an unknown number who thinks it's someone they talked to in a bar, but they keep texting even after clearing up the mistake (and proving it with selfies), and things evolve from there. 8.6k words, rated E

#fic rec #911 fic rec #frida's archive project #it's *really* not as pretentious as that tag sounds but i needed a tag for this #better name suggestions are heartily welcomed #let me know if you end up reading any of these and what you think!#and of course feel free to ask for targeted recommendations if you want to!

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rainy-astrology · 1 year

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Mercury signs

My view on mercury ruling different signs. Mercury is the planet of communication - the way you talk, the way you think and make decisions. May change/add to this later.

Aspects to Mercury, house placements, and degrees can affect how your mercury expresses itself

If you like kpop and astrology, I do chart readings on idols. List is here

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Aries

Aries mercury people seem to be very blunt and straightforward. Although, all fire mercuries are like that...Honestly can't tell which one is more honest: Aries or Sagittarius lol. Not afraid to argue, seem easy to anger and saying anything in the name of "defending" themselves.

I have a sibling with an Aries mercury and another with a Sag mercury... They can both be quite mean ngl. I think Aries mercury is more prone to getting mad and yelling, whereas a Sagittarius mercury will just sass and insult you. In my experience anyway...

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Taurus

Such nice voices. Often make for amazing singers (iirc, a lot of singers with amazing range and tone have Taurus mercury). They like to take their time to think through things and make firm decisions. They are decisive and may be stubborn.

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Gemini

Mercury in Gemini is domicile. Curious and knowledge seeking individuals, always wanting to learn and do new things. Lots of mental energy, their brains never shut off. They prefer to detach from their emotions and remain rational and logical.

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Cancer

Cancer in mercury are often very intuitive and sensitive. Can read other's moods and emotions very well. Soft spoken and quiet. People often seem to be very comfortable with sharing deep, personal stories with us even if we've just barely met. Also may have lower/deeper tones.

Cue all the times people have randomly trauma dumped on me lol. Not too long ago, I had a customer tell me a traumatic event from their childhood while smiling. I didn't say or ask them anything that would have led them to tell me that. Mind you, I am just training as a nail tech, not a therapist or anything. Funnily enough though, I did consider and still do consider becoming a pyschologist...I think a lot of Cancer mercuries are just a natural at drawing people's deeper emotions out.

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Leo

Honey type of voice, loud, and noticeable. Have loud laughs especially. Voices are usually deeper. They can be natural leaders who don't mind taking initiative and center stage. They may be really creative people. They're emotional people and don't mind showing it.

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Virgo

Mercury is exalted in Virgo. Studious, particular way of speaking, and perfectionistic. Articulate and detail oriented. They can have great focus and motivation when it comes to working on anything. Can be quite meticulous.

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Libra

Very friendly and smooth, can definitely be flirtatious. They just know what to say to get others to like them, very charming. They can also be good at calming tense situations down, since Libras value harmony and peace. They may be a bit indecisive as they see every side in situations.

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Scorpio

Investigative and deep, wants to know everything. Don't lie to them. Often have good memory, so definitely do not hurt them in any way. They will remember for life and hold that against you. They're prone to overthinking.

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Sagittarius

Detrimental under Mercury. Sagittarius likes to focus on the big idea and go on from there, while Mercury wants the little details and to be exact. Blunt and honest people. Also very funny. Open minded and honestly don't really care what other people think.

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Capricorn

Capricorn Mercuries are generally quiet. Disciplined and always ready to achieve whatever they set their minds to. Realistic and maybe slow speaking. Likely the type to give you advice and solutions rather than be emotionally comforting.

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Aquarius

Can be a bit judgemental, make strong opinions and judgements. But they are willing to change them if they want to. They're somehow both stubborn yet flexible about their beliefs.

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Pisces

Mercury is fall in Pisces. Pisces mercuries seem...confused whenever they talk. Tendency to space out and get lost in their inner world. They seem to struggle with articulating their thoughts. May be forgetful or remember things incorrectly

Reminds me of a post I read some time ago...The person mentioned having a Pisces mercury in their chart and how it was a struggle for Pisces Mercuries to word their thoughts precisely. I could tell bc that person's explanation was very confusing. They could have explained it in one-two sentences instead of a messy paragraph... I don't mean to be mean though - that was just a really good example of how disorganized a Pisces Mercury's mind can be.

___

If you like kpop and typology, I do typology profiles for idols on my main blog @rainymbti

___

Other planets

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honeyhotteoks · 1 year

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into the aurora - chapter thirty-two (ot8)

chapter thirty-two: the quiet in the snow

chapter summary: after spending christmas with yunho's family, you're feeling emotionally raw, memories brought to the surface that you haven't thought of in years. but yunho stays, and he helps.

note: thank you all so much for your response to the last chapter. i was so nervous to share it, but i've gotten an overwhelming number of kind and thoughtful messages. for those of you that have told me the holidays are hard for you because of loss and that this chapter gave you comfort, i'm so grateful for your words, i can't even begin to articulate it correctly but just know i spent a good chunk of time crying my eyes out at your messages. x

warnings: discussions of grief, loss, and past trauma/character death

pairings: ot8 x reader

genre: fluff, angst, romance, ateez ensemble x reader, polyamory, non-idol!reader, fem!reader, smut

word count: 3.8K

(previous chapter) (next chapter) | AO3 | masterlist

In the morning, the city is blanketed with a thick layer of snow. You know it almost instantly when you open your eyes, the way the light in the room has shifted blue and the sound of the world around you is muffled, insulated and nearly silent.

Yunho is still asleep when you venture out of your room, but then again so is the rest of the city. It’s early, only six, morning light only just now starting to stretch through the sky. He’s peaceful when he’s sleeping, head back against the pillows and his lips parted, features fully relaxed and smooth. You settle on the couch by his feet, cozying inside the excess blanket and rest a hand on his leg. He’s a heavy sleeper normally, almost impossible to wake, but this morning he starts to move immediately.

You’re looking out the window when he first stirs. “What’s wrong?” He asks, his voice thick with sleep and bleary.

He’s a bit of a mess, his hair bent funny in the back from sleep and his cheeks pink. You smile softly and shake your head, “Nothing, I just woke up a little too early.”

He looks you over, and you know he’s thinking about the night before. The way he rocked you tightly against his chest, his lips against your hair and his hand a steady calming rhythm up and down your back. He whispered promises to you as you slipped into sleep, some you’re sure he thinks you didn’t hear, but you did. The way he looks at you now makes your chest ache.

Yunho pushes himself into a sitting position, immediately tossing the blanket back over your legs when his movements pull it off you, “Are you sure?”

“Mhm,” you sigh, letting him pull you into his side and wrap the blanket back around you both. You do feel a bit better after sleep, or at least the sharp sting of grief isn’t so fresh.

He’s quiet for a few moments, holding you, but then he says, “It snowed?”

“A lot,” you nod, “It looks pretty,”

“I love snow,” he grins wide, just the idea of it starting to wake him up.

“Me too,”

He drops a kiss on your temple and shifts back, “Let’s go for a walk,”

“Now?”

He nods, enthusiastic and smiling, and you’ve never seen him quite so awake first thing in the morning but you like it. His energy is bubbling, infectious, and exactly what you need after a night like last night.

“Okay,” you smile, “it’s early there’s probably no one out,”

“Exactly,” he jumps up and locates his suitcase, sliding it out from behind the arm of the couch and flipping it open. He digs through it and locates what he needs, a long sleeve top and a heavy sweatshirt, and quickly changes. He glances over at you, “Do you have something warm enough?”

“This is fine, I think,” you gesture to yourself. You were still dressed in your thick black leggings from last night and heavy socks, and the thick cream cable knit sweater you tossed on this morning should be enough with your coat.

He narrows his eyes and then roots around in his bag again, producing a thick green scarf. “Here,” he wraps it around your neck and fluffs it up so that it sits warmly around your neck, brushing the bottom of your chin, “I don’t want you getting sick.”

In another life, he’s the kind of man you could love for a long time. The thought flits through your brain as he smiles at you, and your chest tightens - an ache deep inside you that you’ve been trying to ignore.

Your thoughts snap back when he drops your coat over your shoulders, and quietly, you both slip out of the apartment together and make your way down to the quiet road. The snow is higher than you expected, at least sixteen centimeters, and in the distance you can hear the sound of a plow scraping against the asphalt.

“This is so perfect,” Yunho says, and from the way his eyes are crinkled up you know he’s smiling beneath his face mask. He adjusts his cap, bringing it a little lower on his forehead and over his eyes and then with a jerk of his head he says, “This way,”

You wind through the streets around his family home, both quietly easing into the day ahead and enjoying the absolute silence of the city.

“It’s pretty here,” You murmur as you pass through a large intersection and up a walkway that leads into a thicket of trees and lamp posts.

“Mm,” he sighs, “I always liked it growing up,”

You nod and tuck your hands in your pockets, “Would you come back, someday? Later, I mean,”

He considers your question and then shakes his head, “I don’t know,” he says honestly, “maybe. I don’t want to be far from my family forever,”

“You seem close,” you murmur.

He nods, “We are. My job makes it hard, but we are. I don’t like missing so much,”

“How often do you get to see them, really?” In all the time you’ve lived with the boys, this is the first time he’s visited home. For the other members too, with the exception of Wooyoung who makes it a point to spend time with his younger brother, it’s been a long time.

“A couple of times a year,” he says, shrugging, “Seonghwa, San, and I live the farthest from Seoul. It’s harder to come home unless we have a long break,”

“And that doesn’t happen often?” You surmise.

“No,” he shakes his head, eyes downcast.

“Did you know it would be like this?” You ask him, trudging through an unplowed part of the road.

“What do you mean?” He glances at you.

“Your life as an idol,” you murmur, “did you know your time would be like this?”

He nods immediately, “Yes,” but he sighs, “but knowing it and experiencing it are different things. It can be hard, and being busy doesn’t always mean you miss people less.”

His words resonate, and your steps slow. You’ve stayed busy the past four years, and found ways of finding normalcy, but it’s always there, the unresolved longing.

Yunho makes it several feet ahead of you before he realizes you’re no longer by his side, and you watch him turn on his heel to find you. “What’s wrong?” He asks, and you’re starting to hate those words on his lips. Not his kindness, but the fact that you’ve made him worry enough to keep asking.

“It’s nothing,” you shake your head and move towards him, “I just know what you mean.”

“I wish you didn’t,” he confesses.

“Mm,” you hum, looking to your left into the snow covered park, needing a moment away from his soft gaze.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he says finally with a heavy exhale, “I hope being home with me hasn’t made things harder.”

You shake your head, smiling under your mask a little, but keep your eyes watching the snow that catches on the wind and swirls through the trees at the edge of your eye line. “It’s always hard,” you tell him, letting yourself be honest.

He smooths his hand over your shoulder, “I don’t like seeing you cry, sweetheart,”

Your stomach clenches, the prickling sensation of warmth at the back of your vision, but you blink it away and shake your head, “Let’s keep walking,”

He follows you forward, leaving a bit of space between you, moving with you like a magnet, always perfectly shifting with you to try and keep you comfortable.

After a little while longer walking, winding through the yawning city he jogs forwards suddenly, trudging through snow, “Look at this,”

You follow him forward turning the corner but he stops and you nearly run into his back, catching yourself on his coat. He laughs, looking down and tucks you under his arm before he points down the street towards a particular shop front in the row of others, “See that one? With the red doors?”

“Mhm,” You glance up at him, his eyes shining.

“That’s my old dance academy,” He looks down at you, grinning, “I guess I just led us here on muscle memory,”

You peer around the corner with him, “So, this is where you grew up?”

He nods, “I spent all my time here,”

“Making you who you are today,” You tease him a little, and he tuts.

He pulls you back around the corner and juts his head in the other direction, “We should probably not be in the center of Star Street though, I know my picture is up around here somewhere,”

You laugh, letting him pull you in the opposite direction and you glance around to ensure there’s nobody really in sight let alone in earshot, “I was just starting to forget my boyfriend is very famous,”

“Please,” His ears run red and he shakes his head.

“Well, you are,” You shrug, “and teasing you is making me feel better, so you’ll just have to learn to live with it,”

His laugh is sharp and sudden and he salutes you, “Then tease away,”

“Yunho, I’m kidding,” You push him playfully, though of course you couldn’t move him an inch even if you tried.

He smiles, sighing heavy in the cold air and looks up at the sky, “I think it might snow again,”

“Let me check,” You fish your phone out of your pocket and open it up, scanning through the upcoming weather. You nod, “A bit more, yeah, but only a little,”

“Then I have one more thing to show you,” He says, “and then I’ll get you home and back in the warmth,”

“I’m doing good,” You assure him, fluffing the scarf back up around your neck.

He brushes your cheek with his fingertips, “You’re so pink,” he says, “I know you’re freezing.”

“You can warm me up later,” You brush him off, “now where are we going?”

He checks his watch, “Well,” he says, “it might be a little early for these places to be open, especially with the snow, but maybe we’ll get lucky.”

“Okay…” You narrow your eyes, and by the check of your own watch it’s already almost eight, and you and Yunho have spent at least ninety minutes meandering around the cold city.

You follow him as he heads back in the direction you originally came, aiming towards his family’s neighborhood. He tells you stories as you walk, places where he and his brother used to play, his route to school, the shops his mother used to love when he was little. He changes route then suddenly, tugging you along by your coat sleeve and passing you again through a thicket of trees up a walking path, just a different one.

The shop fronts on one side of you are closed, but all are variations of a coffee shop, with some specializing in boba, tea, or even just espresso.

“This is Dongmyeong-dong,” He says, “our little cafe street and neighborhood,”

“I love it,” You smile, your attention captured by every little niche storefront even though they’re not open. You could spend days trying out just the shops on this section of street alone.

“At night it’s a lot prettier, there’s music and lanterns and things like that,” He says, “but it’s still a nice walk, and I’m sure one of these places opens earlier than the others.”

“I could use a coffee,” You admit.

“Mm, me too,” He sighs and stretches a bit, tucking his hands back in his pockets.

“Where does this go?” You nod your head forwards up the path.

“Just back out into the neighborhood,” He says, “but it’s nice, there’s lots of these paths around.”

Passing through the storefronts, the path converges and becomes wooded on either side, thickets of snowy branches interlocking above you and dripping melting ice down along the path. There’s no one out walking just yet, at least not on this undisturbed path, but you carve out your footprints alongside each other anyways.

The path makes way to a lit underpass, art installations on the walls, before you finally make it back out to the main street. Cafes dot your field of vision in every direction, all sorts of colors and aesthetics, some still lit with warm white lighting and others glowing neon against the stark white snow.

“Look at them all,” You breathe, grinning while you walk with him through the buildings, “this is beautiful,”

“Mm,” He murmurs, but when you look up you can see his eyes searching for an open storefront.

“It’s okay if they’re all still closed,” You assure him, “we have coffee back at the house I’m sure,”

“Mhm,” He’s barely listening, intently focused, but finally he points and exclaims, “knew it!”

You follow his direction and across the street, partially hidden by a large inflatable Christmas tree, is a corner cafe that is just starting to open up for the day. Their lights are on and glowing warm, and the section of path around their entrance is already dug out and clear of snow. A part time worker is setting out a sandwich board advertising today’s specials and Yunho looks positively giddy.

“Let’s go,” He starts across the street, and you resist the urge to take his arm, opting instead just to keep up with his long steps as best you can.

The cafe is lovely - clean and white with rich greenery brightening up the otherwise industrial space. Contemporary furniture lines the windows, and a cold case by the point of sale machine is full of colorful desserts. Yunho draws himself back a little, tucking his mask more comfortably around his face, and then orders you both your usual coffees. With minimal convincing from the worker behind the counter he also orders a large tart, multicolored slices all combined together in a tasting box - matcha, chocolate, sweet pumpkin, and earl gray, and you can’t help but peek inside the box at the beautifully smooth and rich looking slices.

As you wait for your coffees, and Yunho holds onto the box by the well tied string around it and gives you a quick smile, “I’d say let’s stay for a bit, but we really shouldn’t,”

“No, we should get home,” It’s not worth the risk, just for a quiet morning in a coffee shop. He’s from here, and the likelihood that someone could recognize him might just be a little higher. It would be better to get home before the rest of the city was up and moving around, just as a precaution.

“Then how about I entrust you with this,” He passes the box off to you as the barista calls out for him by his brother’s name, “and I’ll take these,”

He collects the coffees, both of yours and drinks for his parents and brother, and then nods for you to follow him out the side door.

“Don’t drop it,” He warns you playfully, “I’m very serious about my tarts.”

“You’re very serious about any food,” You point out and he laughs.

A cold wind rushes over you, and you shiver.

“We’re not far now,” He assures you, “I promise,”

“I’m okay, Yunho,” You shake your head, “really,”

“I know,” He smiles, “I just don’t want you sick,”

“If I get sick I’ll just make you fuss over me,” You tell him.

“I’m sure I’d be doing it anyways,”

There’s only a few blocks left now, you can tell from the familiar cut of the buildings around you, and you sigh, “Before we’re back to your house and pretending we’re just friends again, can I tell you something?”

“Anything,” He nods.

“I really, really like you Jeong Yunho,” The thump in your chest returns, the word like on your tongue feeling a little like a lie, but you blink that thought away and instead smile up at him, “and this was a nice date.”

“I guess it was a date,” He grins, “and I hope you know it already, but I like you too, very much.”

The moment is a spot of warmth in the cold, snowy wind. You walk with Yunho back to his home in relative but comfortable silence. The pain of the previous day is falling away even if only for a few more hours.

At home, Yunho surprises his family with bright smiles and animated descriptions of the neighborhood caked in snow. His mother wants to know where he took you and what you thought of her city, his father curious to know which shops were open for the day. Yunho is careful not to be too affectionate with you, but the darting glances of his family between you and their eldest son is plain as day to you.

The day is spent inside, centered around the kitchen. His mother teaches you the proper way to make milk bread. His father disappears with Yunho into the study to talk. Gunho, like most teenagers, is reclusive for most of the morning but appears at the strong smell of a late lunch.

In the evening, in the dark of Yunho’s bedroom you lay back and wonder what tomorrow will bring. You so desperately don’t want the boys to be upset with you, but the knowledge that you lied can’t be denied. Yunho insists they will understand, but it doesn’t make the nervous knots any looser inside you.

A quiet knock brings you out of your thoughts and you sit up in bed, the door cracking open as slowly as possible.

Yunho pokes his head into the room, a grimace on his face when the door creaks, and then he sees you sitting up. “Oh,” he whispers, “you are awake,”

“Hey,” You wave him in, “what’s up?”

“I wanted to,” he trails off, shutting the door behind him and moving into the room, “I don’t know, I have something I want to talk to you about,”

“Come here,” you sit up in the bed, leaving him a space, “is something wrong?”

“No,” he assures you, “it’s not that, I’m just not sure how to bring this up.”

“After everything you’ve done for me,” You shake your head, “and you can’t tell me something?”

“Well,” He exhales hard, easing into the open spot on the bed and facing you, “it’s about that.”

“About what?”

“I’m fucking this up,” He waves a hand in front of himself, “let me start over.”

“Okay,” You smooth a hand over his thigh.

“I got you a gift,” He says quickly, “or I guess, I got you something and I hope you’ll accept it as a gift. I’m not sure how you’re going to feel.”

“Well if it’s a gift, I can guess,” You smile, nudging him.

“Don’t,” He shakes his head, and the moment sobers. He’s rarely the serious one, and you nod. He takes a minute, before pulling an envelope out of his pocket and passing it to you. “If this is crossing a line, throw it out. We’ll never talk about it again.”

“Yunho, what the hell are you talking about?” You look up to him, the envelope light in your hands.

“Just,” he nods towards the envelope, “open it.”

His elbows rest on his knees, and he leans over, lips pressed against his clasped hands, his leg bouncing with nervous energy. You turn the envelope over in your hand. It’s unaddressed, and not sealed. There’s no card inside like you expect from the greeting card weight to the paper, and you open the envelope to peer in. A ticket is neatly tucked into the bottom of the envelope.

“A train ticket?” Your brow furrows.

“Yeah,” He gestures for you to look closer.

Your eyes scan it, and you see now that it’s not a ticket properly but a voucher. Seoul to Busan. Your throat tightens, “Yunho, what is this?”

“It’s a non-expiry voucher, you can use it for any ticket to Busan. I think you can get the metro pretty easily to Yangsan from there,” He explains.

“Why am I holding this?” You ask quietly.

“If you ever need to go home,” He finally meets your eyes instead of looking at the ticket, “If you ever do want to see your father, or just to go home I wanted you to have a way to get there, without worrying or second guessing it.”

“Yunho,”

“Like I said,” He jumps in, “if this is me crossing a huge line, rip it up. I won’t feel bad, it won’t be weird. I just wanted to try and help and I know what coming home means for me,”

You barrel forwards, wrapping your arms around him tight and hanging off him. His arms close around you instantly, and his hand smooths up and down your back. You sigh against him, “It’s good, you didn’t do anything wrong,”

“You sure?” He presses a fast kiss to your hair.

“I’m sure,”

“I’m so glad,” He sighs.

“Yunho,” You can’t look at him when you say it, but you need him to know, “my home is in Seoul now, but this… going back to Yangsan, it means so much.”

“If you ever need to go,” He whispers, “don’t wait, just take it and get on the train.”

“I will,” You promise him.

Behind his back you stare at the ticket clutched in your hand. Seoul to Busan. Busan to Yangsan. The exact metro train you need and its schedule flicks into your mind, then the route you used to take from Yangsan Station to your family home. You let yourself wonder for a moment if he still lives there, if he ever started tending your mother’s flowers again, if he got another job, if he’s eating, sleeping, living at all.

You pull back, kissing Yunho hard and sighing against his lips, “Thank you for this,”

“It’s really just a train ticket,” he says, “it’s not much, but,”

“It’s a lot more than that,” You kiss him again, holding him close. He tucks the ticket back in the envelope and takes it back, slipping it into your open suitcase and returning to you on the bed. You pull him in again, “Please stay tonight,”

“y/n,” He hesitates.

“Please,” You hold his hand in yours, “we’ll set alarms, we’ll get up early, just don’t go tonight.” You know it’s selfish.

He regards you for a moment and then nods, setting a series of alarms on his watch and his phone, “We’ll get up early,”

You fold into each other despite the tight squeeze of Yunho’s childhood bed, but eventually you settle into each other, legs tangled and your head against his chest. You fall asleep to memories of Yangsan covered in snow.

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sometimes-men-need-help-too · 5 months

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Out of curiosity, why are you anti feminist? your whole set up here is kind of odd to me but this specifically baffles me (not out of hate or anything, just genuine ‘what is happening here’ energy). Feminism is just the supporting of gender equality so I don’t understand

-sincerely, some random feminist dude on the internet

Also, I hope your father is okay

Regarding my dad--thank you. The masses turned out not to be cancerous and he had his surgery and is all good now!

Onto the rest:

I'm curious what you mean by your whole set up here is kind of odd to me. Why is it odd?

Feminism is just the supporting of gender equality so I don’t understand

That may be what it technically means, but how people are upholding the movements makes me question it. And I'm not the only one. While I don't view all feminists negatively, I think quite a few have this distorted view of what equality is.

First off, I disagree that feminism as a movement cares about men's issues as much as they claim to. That's not to say that feminists as a whole don't care, because there are those that do and that's great. But they'll often say that feminism is for men too, that they've done more for men's rights than the men's rights movement has, etc. But then they'll immediately contradict this. Consider the reaction that you'll see if men's issues are brought up. If you don't have a problem with it, then you shouldn't be getting angry. But that's what happens. We're told that women suffer more on X issue (whether that is true or not, because sometimes the research is skewed) so they should be our priority. We're also told that it's not a woman's job to fix men and their issues. But that's not what majority of us, I'd say, are seeking. I know I want acknowledgment of these issues. I want there to be less hypocrisy and double standards. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

There's far too much pushback against criticism and questions. Now granted, this may not represent everyone's experiences and I get that. But it's been mine and it's something I've seen on various posts online. I understand that they probably get plenty of questions that are not in good faith, they probably get plenty of assumptions too. I get that. I've dealt with that as well. But there can't be this unwillingness to engage with people unless they agree with you. There can't be an unwillingness to answer questions because you* think it's not your job to educate them. You have to understand how that looks. It looks like you can't properly articulate your point, it looks like you don't have much of a point and it weakens your group and what you stand for.

There's a lack of accountability. I know that with a movement as big as this, it's not something that can be easily wrangled up and fixed. I'm not looking for perfection. What am I looking for more feminists to acknowledge the problems within the feminism movement. Oftentimes, this doesn't happen. I'm told that I simply do not understand feminism and what it's truly about. If I give an example of something that I find to be a problem, I'm usually told those aren't "real feminists." That just feels like a huge cop out. You can't just say that those people aren't feminists because it doesn't erase what's happening. It doesn't erase the terrible things they say. It doesn't erase what we're seeing on those social media pages. Those people will still see themselves as feminists. They'll still keep saying what they're saying while packaging it as feminism. Instead of trying to pretend that they're not part of the movement, there should be more effort in trying to combating that. Speak up. Speak up against the hypocrisy (example: body shaming is bad but penis shaming is different because with how you're acting, you probably have a small penis so it's okay. Or denying it altogether by claiming that only men care about their size).

I want to go back to my first point-I didn't want to make it too long. Men are told conflicting things about their own issues. They'll be told that if they want X issue to be discussed then they need to go make their own post instead of expecting feminists to do it. Okay, so they make their own post but suddenly that's not alright either. That's taken as a sign that they don't care about women's issues. For example, by talking about false accusations, you don't care about actual rape victims or you see all women as liars. That isn't true. And while I don't believe that false accusations occur as little as 2%, 2% isn't zero. There are still men that are suffering and having their lives turned upside down by those accusations. They don't simply cease to happen just because you don't talk about them. Talking about false accusations don't hurt rape victims. False accusations hurt rape victims.

I could go on. But I think this is enough. I hope this answers your question, though I can elaborate further if you wish

*I don't mean you. I just mean in general

#mens rights #answered asks

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redstringraven · 2 months

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hey, @bellathetmntgeckolady, thanks for the tag!! ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ i've not done one of these in a long time, so this'll be fun! i think things like this are nice little community builders; it's a shame not to see them as often.

"the rules of the game are to write one song for every letter in your url, and then tag as many people as there are letters in your url." reposting because those reblog chains get longggg.

also, i made a temporary spotify playlist if that's easier listening.

r - reverence ; hammock e - end of small sanctuary ; akira yamaoka d - dúlaman ; celtic woman s - spanish sahara ; foals t - tsunami ; fløre r - rainy day ; alec holowka i - inner universe ; origa n - no turning back ; olivier deriviere, eric maria couturier g - give a fuck ; tezatalks r - resting grounds ; christopher larkin a - apocalypse ; sleeperstar v - voidfish (plural) ; rachel rose mitchell e - empires ; ruelle n - neglected space ; imogen heap

if you're tagged, no pressure to take part! i'll be tagging a mix of pals and folks i've never tagged before but who seem in my orbit. ...if your @ didn't work, i hope you see this somehow. <xD;;; take care!

@plantdonut, @grozva, @joyfuladorable, @sftgnge, @gatorkid509, @mojimallow, @badatusernames, @vdragon-creations, @adenthemage, @roquog, @maddys-nerd-blog, @yellowhollyhock, @figuringitoutasigoalong, @cheesy-che, @sassatello

because i'm insufferable, i'll also put some small character/song relevant thoughts under the cut. as a treat to myself.

reverence: this song gives me the feeling of being out on casey's farmhouse porch on late summer afternoon or at sunset. everyone's just kind of basking in the warmth, downtime, and company of each other. some might be napping, those awake are making quiet, idle conversation. it's just nice.

end of small sanctuary: this one always makes me think of raph and gwyn, specifically, sitting on city high-point at sunset. much like how it's used in SH3 when heather is just being a teenager at the mall and is probably music she'd listen to, this very much gives me the energy and warmth of raph and gwyn sitting in the setting sun, high above the city, with maybe some food and light conversation. a breath between The Horrors™.

dúlaman: i've been trying to find and listen to more celtic/irish music for a lot of reasons (so if you know any pls gib), but one is to better cultivate the sound and energy of liáfsian folksongs and music.

spanish sahara: how could i make this list without one of the songs that never fails to fuck me up. spanish sahara has been the driving 'score' in my head when it's come to a number of story scenes or character moments due to the slow build and emotional release of the song as well as the lyrics. i dunno. this song just moves and inspires me in ways i can't quite articulate.

tsunami: this song just feels so strongly like aislinn to me. the lost-lover part, sure, but especially the feeling of drowning and just... the instrumentals/vocals feel like her, too. i associate her a lot with water.

rainy day: no specific scenario here, but this score makes me think of and want to draw don or leo. the game it's from kind of has a melancholic nostalgia to it, and the vibe sits well with them.

inner universe: this song is all vibes for me, and it always makes me think of entering the territory of one of the liáfsian dragons and crossing paths with it. specifically the dragon i associate with leo.

no turning back: this score is fully for gwyn being on the run. the title, the strings, the faint ticking clock and building drums toward the end, the urgency throughout. it is, for better or worse, a reflection of what so much of her life has felt like.

give a fuck: sounds and feels like a nyxram song. hard to explain, this one just always makes me think of her.

resting grounds: this score's on my playlist for the liáfsian ruins, which is an area in the realm considered to be cursed ground (but no one knows or remembers why). the ruins are beautiful, peaceful. but you never quite have the sense that you're truly alone.

apocalypse: this song always makes me think of PtINL, i can't really explain why. it's on my personal playlist for the fic, and every time it comes on shuffle it just sends me back into thoughts of mikey, aloy, their travels and their bond.

voidfish (plural): first of all: LOVE the voidfish. second, this is another one of those scores that gives me the energy of encountering ancient liáfsian fae.

empires: this song always makes me think of a 'trailer' for gwyn and ash's arc. i think it's accurate not only for how the final conflict between gwyn, ash and darach will go down, but there's a hint at a much older threat in there and "the tides are turned" being that companionship has been found in the turtles.

neglected space: this song, without fail, always makes me think of and want to draw nyxram. there's something sad, lost and desperate to it.

#;radio static #;rosewater park #[ that's gonna be my new dashboard meme & community fun tag i think ]#[ but yeah thank you for the tag!!! :D a fun surprise! ]

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90stvqueen · 1 year

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What do you think lesbians are attracted to in women that we can’t be attracted to in men?

It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives woman-only attraction.

It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait women have that men can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

Oughhhh I wrote up a whole answer to this ask, and then tumblr editor crashed and didn't back it up. RIP me. Take two.

I'm answering this ask in good faith, but there are assumptions here that I need to poke at, so let's dive in.

What do you think lesbians are attracted to in women that we can’t be attracted to in men?

Already this presupposes an agreed-upon definition of the word "lesbian." If you look it up, you'll find definitions like "a woman whose sexual orientation is to women," or "a female homosexual." Even these two definitions require a closer examination - some people have different definitions for "woman" and "female" depending on their lived experience and political agenda.

Besides, I know lesbians who don't experience sexual attraction; both these definitions leave them out. I know lesbians who don't identify as women - I'm one of them! There's too much nuance for a straightforward (or gayforward! ha!) answer.

homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

When I was growing up/coming out, there were two schools of thought about why people are gay/trans:

One idea is that people choose to be gay, or become gay at some point in their lives (through trauma, conditioning, listening to Lady Gaga, etc). This idea was and is supported by the kinds of people who believe in conversion therapy.

The other idea is that you were born that way; people don't choose to be gay or trans, it's innate. This theory was more popular among the LGBTQ+ community and its allies (thanks, Lady Gaga!), and it was substantiated by the existence of homosexual animals.

It's standard nature vs. nurture, and it's a false dichotomy.

As I typed "homosexual animals," I thought, really, what I mean to say is animals that exhibit behaviors that deviate from heterosexual expectations. What's the difference? Well, as you said, animals can't articulate their identities to us. When we ascribe a label like homo/hetero/bi/pansexual to them, we create blinders for ourselves. If an animal exhibits behaviors that defy that categorization, what then? Sure, the animal doesn't care - it's just living its life. And don't we need categorization so that we have some parameters to study them?

All right, so what does that have to do with people?

Actually, quite a bit, I think. Because like you said, animals can't state their identities to us. The only way we can learn about them is through their behavior. People can state their identities, yes, but ultimately: actions speak louder than words.

What do I mean? Well, first of all, stating your identity is an action that reinforces that identity as truth. If you say you're a lesbian, but you date men, what's the truth, and who has the right to decide?

There are many people who choose to believe that the truth is simple: a lesbian is a "female homosexual," i.e. a cis woman who is exclusively attracted to other cis women (and trans men, who they see as confused cis women). We could talk about whether such distinct categorical attraction exists or if it's just bigotry in action, but it wouldn't be worth the time or energy. These people believe that words and identities are fixed things that can be decided and enforced collectively. This kind of thinking works for a lot of people, especially people who seek a higher authority in the form of "community." It also hurts a lot of other people. But I digress.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait women have that men can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

I'm doing my best not to give you a nonanswer, because the question is an interesting one - so interesting that there are decades and decades of academic and community-wide discussions about the very questions you're posing. Unfortunately, you've put me in a catch-22, because I can't explain. There are ideas and experiences that we can approximate with language, but there are some things that defy explanation.

So I'll explain, to the best of my abilities, what I mean when I say that actions speak louder than words and that being a lesbian is not intrinsically who you are, but what you do.

Way, way back in the day, before we had words like "bisexual" or "genderqueer," there was an underground lesbian community that consisted of gay and bisexual women as well as trans folks (mostly transmascs, some of whom might have called themselves a man and a lesbian in the same breath). If you were bisexual and you left the community, you were no longer a lesbian - you were "going straight." The same was true of people who decided to perform their gender as written, i.e. butches who assimilated to feminine standards and married men for their own safety.

Back then, you were a lesbian if you were part of the lesbian community. If you were performing the action of being a lesbian.

Since then, there's been a movement away from this kind of fluidity and accessibility (and inaccessibility! not everyone who wanted to be a lesbian had access!) of labels; for example, you'll hear people complaining that a "bi lesbian" isn't a thing. But some of the same people who are making that complaint are people who love the concept of "political lesbianism," a radical feminist idea from the 60s that said, hey, if you want to be a lesbian, all you have to do is leave your man and date women instead - regardless of whether or not you're attracted to women. It's the feminist thing to do! This gave birth to lesbian separatism, which brings us back to contemporary radical feminists trying to define any deviance out of the words "lesbian" and "woman."

This separatism hurts us in the end. I'm not interested in engaging with the hypotheticals and strawman arguments that TERFs often use to silence those of us who deviate from their definitions. They won't listen, and we won't agree. So, ignoring them:

I'm not a woman, but I'm a lesbian. I've dated cis and trans women in the past. What's more, I've experienced and acted on attraction to cis women, trans women, trans men, nonbinary people, and occasionally cis gay men. Uh-oh! Should I have my lesbian card revoked?

Some might say yes, that means you're not actually a lesbian. And to them I say: maybe not on your terms. But I'm living my life on my terms.

And the only way these people can keep me from living on my terms is to restrict my rights, suppress my voice, and if all else fails, kill me.

Which is what's happening to a lot of people like me and my partners right now.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

I think everything is a cultural performance. I think some of us were born with it, some of us discover it over time, and some of us hide it. It's an identity. It's a lifestyle. It's an action. It's a reaction. It's innate. It's a choice.

Until we figure out a way to quantify attraction, we'll continue to attempt to categorize it. I don't know why I'm not attracted to most men. I don't know why I feel femme in a butch's arms and butch in a femme's. I don't know. I can't explain. It may be a nonanswer, but I hope I've given you things to think about, anyway.

#anon #ask #wlw #queer tag #im in my philosophytube era lol

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ajokeformur-ray · 1 year

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I've been meaning to write that gush post 2019!Erika style like I promised a few days ago but I keep watching the typing thingy blink at me on the screen and I just ???? How am I supposed to put into words how much Arthur Fleck means to me??? How can I do it? How am I supposed to articulate the fact that he's been my rock every day for the last (almost) four years?

How do I tell you about the sheer number of times I've been on my bathroom floor at 3am sobbing into my hands, trying so hard not to make a sound so I don't wake anyone up, and the only reason I've had it in me to brush off my tears, stand up and face the day is because of, smile, through your fear and sorrow, smile, and maybe tomorrow... or that's life, that's what all the people say... or step step step step step? How am I supposed to tell you that I have problems with food and it's easier for me to skip a meal but I have to actively coax myself into making something to eat, and most if not all of the time, I go and make myself food because eat, you need to eat (if food is pre-prepared, I have NO problem. It's just the effort and energy behind making the food which stumps me but I'm working on it)?

How do I tell you about all the times I get so frustrated with the work-study imbalance or not understanding something in my psych or counselling books that I end up banging my head on my desk and then I remember how horrified I feel every time Arthur does the same, and I stop because I'm sure he'd be horrified if he walked in on me doing it? How do I tell you about how, in my darkest moments, even when my cat can't get a smile out of me, Arthur can? How do I tell you that most mornings, on my way to work, I'm yawning, then chugging some coffee, wiping tears of frustration and/or exhaustion away, then yawning again, chugging coffee... for forty five minutes, this is my commute to work (and then from work), and sometimes I stop and do I have to do this again? I just did it yesterday and the day before and I'm tired but then I'll think about how soul-deep exhausted Arthur always was but he did it anyway and therefore, so can I? How do I tell you about all the times I've wanted to quit uni or I've been awake for 32 hours without a nap or any rest due to clashes between work and uni schedules or I've been awake until 3am working on assignments for uni only to then get up at 5am for work and I've been so tired I have cried every time I'm left alone, and I've wanted to quit uni and my job but ultimately I've picked myself up and got back in the race, that's life... and carried on because I started this for Arthur, because he and he alone inspired me so deeply that I took up a job which allows me to help vulnerable people, while doing a degree which will allow me to even further help people? And I've thought of quitting, baby, but my heart just ain't gonna buy it, and if I didn't think it was worth one single try...

How do I say any of this to you in a way which satisfies my heart that it's said everything correctly? How do I tell you any of these things in such a way that the sheer gravity of what he's done for me is properly articulated and put across?

I can't do it.

I just... I can't.

I don't even feel like I can say I love Arthur because it feels like such a silly statement when I compare it to the deep ache in my chest, the way I smile so hard it actually hurts my face, the way he makes the worst of days feel like they ultimately don't matter much because at least I can crawl into bed and watch him on a screen and feel like I'll be okay in the end, because how can I not be when he's up there on my screen, struggling but trying his hardest, and I'm doing exactly the same thing? If Arthur can handle it, so can I. Because no matter how bad my days get, I have some constants - my hair, coffee, music, my cat, my friends on here, fiction - but Arthur... he's the constant constant. He's seen me through grief, loss, tragedy, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, health scares, doctors appointments, operations, interviews, dentist appointments, fear, worry, stress, sorrow, sadness... through all of that, he's helped me to get back on my own feet and take another step, even if that step is right up on my tip-toes because I can't handle a proper step. But he's also seen me through happiness, joy, elation, pride, achievement, progress, he's seen me so happy I've cried, so excited I've squealed and jumped up and down and spun in circles while giggling, he's seen me through the last four years of my life and I'm sure he's gonna be with me for the rest of my life.

I don't know what our lives would look like together. I used to imagine it so vividly, but I'm not the same person I was four years ago - thankfully - but now I can barely see Arthur loving me. I mean, I know it, but I don't know it. Not like I used to. I feel like I've grown so much in this time that he would look at me and not be able to recognise me. My hair has grown out from when it used to be just like his in terms of length, and now it's just two or three inches away from my tailbone, I have glasses now, my room is always a mess because I don't have the time to clean it but if I do have the time, then I don't have the energy, I'm always a good few weeks behind on uni work, I'm always tired, and I just... even now, I look at Arthur and I look at me and I just can't... how??? And yet, at the same time, I have a firm belief that he and I would be a slow burn; we're both painfully shy but I always reach a point where it's like I get sick of my own shit and that's when I act, so maybe I'd be the reason we even talk to each other right in the very early days.

The way I envision our life together now is not at all how I used to envision it and I'm grateful for the change in perception but also I worry that as I am now, our 2019 Arthur wouldn't love me. But perhaps that's just my self-destructive streak making noise; it's much louder when I get stressed and unfortunately for me, I'm always stressed and tight-chested. Between a highly physically and emotionally demanding job which, even when I'm not on shift, I am still dealing with work commitments and group chats and stuff like that, and university, I am swamped, but then I get changed out of my work uniform and slide my Arthur hoodie back on or I come home and grab my Joker cushion and hold it tight or I get out of the shower and put my rings back on, and I feel like I can breathe again.

I would take every punch, every hit, every insult, every rude word, every glare, every 'joke' his co-workers make, I would take everything if it meant that Arthur would be healthy and safe and protected and cared for and loved. I want to take all of those violent marks and bruises across his body and replace them with love, make him feel like he can come home to me every night just like I get to come home to him every night, too. I feel most myself when I watch Joker because I see 2019 Erika, 2020 Erika, 2021 Erika, 2022 Erika, and now 2023 Erika is seeing all those Erikas, changed and new, and seeing an Arthur who is never changing and always the same, and I always find myself in this film. It's my true ultimate comfort and I wouldn't be here or be where I am without this film or without all the things Arthur has taught me. He's made me kinder, gentler, softer, he made me realise what I want to do in life, and I am forever grateful to the man who saved me. I've said it before, not in great detail, but the people who know, know; Arthur saved me. Oncoming traffic was too strong a temptation before I walked into the cinema on the 4th October 2019, and when I walked out, I found myself stepping out of the way of the road so I could go back the next day to see Joker again. And I did. Again and again and again and again until I looked at myself and realised I hadn't seriously thought about traffic or cliffs for months.

And since the day I realised that, I haven't once looked back. I only glance over my shoulder now and then to see how far I've come, and then I face my front again and step step step step step -

And I keep Arthur tightly in my heart all the while because I'm scared that if I let go of him for even a SECOND, 2019 will become my reality once again. It almost is happening again, I'm right on the edge, but I'm holding onto Arthur tightly. I'm keeping him right here with me to remind me that he is my reason. For my life, for my job, for my degree... I want to be someone he would be proud of, someone he could look at and love as deeply as I love him. He's a beautiful tragedy and I love absolutely everything about him. Everything. And we all know that Joker is the part of Arthur I always lean to the most, he's the one I think of for anything, he's the one I picture holding me when the world has me on my knees in my bedroom or in the bathroom, he's the one I picture brushing my hair and braiding it, he's the one I picture through it all, and I don't know if the start of Joker would bring about an end to what Arthur and I have or if he would only deepen it... I don't know if Joker would love me too but I do know that I only love him more because he's Joker. His lap is my crimson throne, his body is my weighted clown blanket, and I... I don't feel like I can say I love him, as I said, it seems silly in comparison, but it's the only phrase I have.

All I know is, if I thought I had even half a chance with Arthur, I would break down every carefully constructed wall around me, every promise to myself, and I'd let him in. I swore, almost six years ago, never again, but four years ago, I swore that I'd let one man in. Just one.

Arthur. Joker. Carnival. Whomever he is, he's my one and only, and I wish I could say even half of this stuff to him.💖

#tw; disordered eating #tw; negativity #tw; i get personal #self-shipping #erileck #tw; suicidal ideation

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gooberto · 5 months

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So yesterday I had a complete meltdown at work and started sobbing uncontrollably at the register in the middle of checking someone out. I'd been struggling here for a while now, but recently we started charging for plastic bags and that was apparently just one thing too many for me to deal with because the additional stress of needing to incorporate that into my work made me feel like my brain was melting and oozing out through my fucking ears to the point I couldn't even articulate a way to say what was wrong to the people who were worried about me when i started crying. I hate working here more than anything on the planet, but everyone tells me I should find another job before I quit, but I'm so fucking drained all the goddamn time from dealing with this job I don't even have the time and energy to do that at all. Even if I did, there's nothing better out there for somebody like me. I've completely lost my passion for the field I went to college for or any kind of work I could feasibly make a career out of and have no hope of ever living alone from how badly I struggle to handle just about every aspect of adult life.

Like. This is genuinely the worst I've ever felt in my life. Last night I started thinking about ways to kill myself, but then I started thinking about how sad that would be for my friends, and it was just too much to bear so I just got stuck in this loop and couldn't stop sobbing from how sad it all was to think about until i cried myself to sleep. I just can't hold it in anymore and desperately need to feel like my life has had any worth to anybody or that anyone cares about me at all because it sure doesn't feel like I have any good reason to continue living.

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i-sveikata · 6 months

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Hey Gabby! It's mind-boggling to me how you post novel length chapters every month or two like clockwork. I think readers don't quite appreciate how much that takes out of you; in traditional publishing that pace is kinda impossible. You're a rockstar! If it takes an extra month, year or ten for the next chapter or even if the story is something you can't take forward anymore, that's completely understandable. The enjoyment you've given us through your fic is already so much, I hope you're getting at least as much from writing it. 💖

hey anon!! omg honestly same i still can't believe how much ive written at this point and still somehow managed to work full time and have some semblance of a social life lol. even more wild that every time i pick up the latest chap to start writing i keep having so much more to say for this story. its honestly insane but thank you so much for saying so!!

i really appreciate that (and im guessing this is in response to the previous ask i responded to) but its less about the timing and how long it takes for me and more about the whole being compared to other authors who might have stopped writing their fic (which im being so clear about there is nothing wrong or necessary to condemn about that whatsoever) and then still feeling as i either have to somehow be like oh im not like them, which implies there's something wrong with either stepping away from a fic or abandoning it, which there isn't, or i have to come back and promise im not abandoning the story, even after ive been pretty clear this whole time that im still writing for it?

i might not be articulating myself properly but it just felt like one of those lose lose kind of questions where you dont really walk away feeling good about it. I had to think about it for a bit (and i really hope i wasn't too rude to the anon or anything) but yeah there was no great way to respond to that i guess which is unfortunate.

thank you that's honestly so nice!! im doing alright with it i think, i do feel a little bit of pressure because everyone is enjoying it so much and i dont want to leave anyone waiting too long obviously. or disappoint them. but i am very careful to set writing boundaries so im not draining myself or my creative energy every month and i do try to take a least a week break between chaps before i crack my knuckles and dig into the next one haha

but it really means a lot that you came here to say that. this fic is absolutely such a joy for me to write and i am enjoying it immensely so i can only hope everyone is experiencing it in a similar way!

#fic asks #ill fill the graveyards until i have you

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helianthus-tarot · 11 months

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hi J! Im the anon who asked about healer/wounded. First, thank you for your insight and I agree with what you said! I didn't quite have the thought process or vocabulary to articulate it so it was very satisfying reading your words haha. I wasn't asking for creative writing purposes, I was just asking it theoretically! My question moreso came about because I was looking at a deck and saw the Raphael card and wondered if there was the 'opposite' or a match for a healer. It made me think deeper on dynamics/relationships like the few i mentioned. I asked out of curiosity and not out of seeking advice, just in case i sounded contrary haha. When I looked at the healer/wounded relationship, there was an obvious imbalance so it just made me wonder how energies work since im new to all this and if theoretically a 'healer' ever runs out of 'healing' energy. Or what steps a healer would take after helping out. From what i understand there can only be a transfer of energies? So what does the healer 'replenish' after exerting themselves? I know my line of questioning probably reeks of naivete and general understand but im REAL wet behind the ears lmaooo

"I asked out of curiosity and not out of seeking advice, just in case i sounded contrary haha."

No worries, it didn't sound like that. My reply mostly was just to explain my stance, because if I simply replied to your ask with "the healer and the wounded" and that's it, some people might think I believe in people being 'healers'.

"If theoretically a 'healer' ever runs out of 'healing' energy,"

My question is, what do you think 'healing energy' means? What does it consist of, to you? Since I don't see people as 'healers', for me energy here is basically effort; emotional attention and actions, eg. them doing something for other people, them extending their empathy and listening to other people's problems, them comforting other people, them understanding people's situations and thinking about what to say to make the other person feel better or more hopeful, etc. It's not something mystical.

"So what does the healer 'replenish' after exerting themselves?"

Their emotional energy. It's basically the same thing when you have to comfort your crying friend, or when you listen intently to someone pouring their heart out to you in order to understand where their pain is coming from so you can help them, when you put a lot of effort and attention into caring for other people, etc. Eventually you get tired. It takes your emotional and physical energy. So to do the same things again, to care again, to help again, you need to replenish your emotional energy.

"What steps a healer would take after helping out".

What do you do after you participate in a community service, or when you are emotionally affected by the things you see in the world? My answer is they do it like what normal people do when people feel exhausted. Resting, sleeping, eating. Surrounding themselves with positive uplifting things, doing what they love to do, meditating, processing their feelings on their own, reading motivational books, interacting with other people who give back to them instead of just taking from them, etc. All of this can make a normal person feel emotionally and physically better.

"When I looked at the healer/wounded relationship, there was an obvious imbalance so it just made me wonder how energies work. From what i understand there can only be a transfer of energies?"

What do you mean by 'transfer of energy'? Do you mean energy exchange? In my opinion, not everything has an equal exchange of energy. It is possible for a connection to just drain you and give nothing in return, it's just a question of whether you want to stay in that connection or search for a different connection that can provide a more equal energy exchange.

"I know my line of questioning probably reeks of naivete"

Don't feel bad about it, there is no hard rule or one authority to spiritual concepts. We cannot prove any of it so we can't get it 'wrong'. The only thing we do is arrive to a stance where people disagree/agree with us.

#asks #other asks

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dorianeverleigh · 10 months

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I will never get over the fact that we, the human race, collectively chose this path of destruction.

We have known for a very long time that our way of life is detrimental to the one and only habitable planet in our peripheral. We know we can't just move to Mars or Enceladus as much as low IQ billionaires try to make it a reality. But the human race said "Fuck it, tonight we ride! We're here for a good time, not for a long time!" And now we are careening toward absolute total annihilation. All it would have taken was a little bit of change. But sustainability is not profitable. Green energy is not profitable. We could be living in a much better world, with a much brighter future, if we just stopped allowing capitalism to dictate our lives. We knew coal and oil were fucking things up. We knew what to do about it. We knew the best path forward, but we chose profits instead of future.

Imagine if all of the idiot wealth hoarders in the world were using the piles of money to create a brighter more sustainable future instead of buying a mini yacht to carry their helicopter next to their super yacht. Or instead of burning money trying to play irl space invaders and colonize Mars (because there's nothing left to colonize on our own dying planet); we could focus on saving our own planet. But no, let's shoot a car into the orbit just for funsies.

The alarm bells have been at full blast for so long, and the global "political" efforts to combat the effects of our dying planet have all been lies (as per usual) and now the scientific consensus is that it's too late. And it fucking sucks. I know that people as a whole are good. I know that compassion and empathy are more common than not. Even though the most rotten people in this world are the loudest, overall I do believe humans are good. But I also know we are sheep. We are followers and we need guidance. But don't be fooled! Just because someone speaks loudly, articulates properly, and displays confidence, does NOT mean they are right, moral, or just. And just because someone is in a position of authority does not mean they have your best interest in mind. And, I cannot stress this enough, being wealthy ONLY proves you know how to obtain wealth. Wealth does not equate to intelligence. Wealth does not mean you're an expert. And wealth definitely does not mean you're a good person. (Quite the opposite actually.)

My only advice is to just stop paying the billionaires and millionaires as much as possible. Shop local. Eat vegan (if you can). Buy an electric car (or no car at all). DIY and up cycle every chance you get. Reduce waste. If we stop feeding the machine it will die. Understand this though, it's not on us. Sure we've been roped into this terrible cycle of murdering our own planet, but most often we don't have an alternative. Remember when your grocery store shames you for not bringing a reusable bag it was THEM flooding the world with single use plastic. Or if coca-cola tries to make you feel shitty for not recycling, it's THEM producing the abundance of waste. Remember that Shell and Exxon are poisoning the oceans, not your little jalopy carting your back and forth from work. So yes, while each of us can do our part, it's better to spend your energy taking down the rich people who created this mess in the first place. Eat the rich!

#climate change #politics #capitalism #eat the rich #billionaires #millionaires #elon musk #jeff bezos #sustainability #clean energy

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oopsimafannow · 1 year

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playing with chatgpt

so i've been trying to understand how chatgpt works and since i write fic...that's what i'm doing it with and let me tell you this is fun As Fuck.

Setting aside important things like data privacy/safety, because I'm not fully on board with a private company owning the material I'm giving it lol

(but THAT ASIDE)

it's an incredibly illuminating experience -- when i ask chat (the name I've given my particular iteration lol) for something that isn't quite right, figuring out how to articulate what it got wrong? figuring out how to ask it for what i want instead? rewriting a passage to show it what i mean? these are all really valuable skills for a writer to have.

and dang it's also fun to be surprised by what it gives me. so I started with this prompt:

Here are two characters: Black is a young man studying to become a lawyer. He believes the world is unjust and that direct action, even illegal, unethical action, is the only way to change the world Todd is the same age as Black, and he is the CEO of a wealthy company. He believes the world is unjust and that gaining wealth is the only route to the power needed to change the world. Black and Todd used to be friends, but their differences created a rift between them. Todd and Black have harmed each other physically and emotionally, but still yearn for each other. Write dialogue of the two of them arguing about where to go to dinner.

and then several dozen interactions later, after getting some good stuff, some not good, some very wrong, some off-the-mark-in-a-weird-indescribable-way -- after telling it what I liked/didn't like/wanted, after re-writing its scenes, after giving it examples of my own writing that I wanted it to emulate -- I ended up with this passage:

Todd still wraps his arms around Black's waist, even as Black pushes him away. And Black still has a bottle of whiskey waiting for Todd. And Todd still sends expensive gifts to Black, even though Black tells him he doesn't want them. And Black stays at work late into the night, even when Todd sneers that he'll never make partner with that attitude. They move through their days and nights, orbiting around each other, their attraction crackling with a dark energy that neither can resist.

At the end of the day, Black likes to meet Todd in the alley behind their office building, likes to press him up against the brick wall and kiss him hard. Todd likes the way Black's hands feel rough against his skin, the way his mind goes blank when Black is with him. Todd likes to run his hands through Black's hair, to tug at it until Black groans. Black likes to taste the bitterness of whiskey on Todd's tongue. They both know it's wrong, that their love is toxic and dangerous, but they can't help themselves. They are drawn together by a force they can't resist, and they know that no matter what they do, they will always come back to each other.

Which is honestly still not fully right -- it's too close to the sample passage from my dean/pharm fic that I gave it (and chat really struggles to capture their toxic desire -- every time it writes something new, I have to teach it that ToddBlack are worse) but I can rewrite it:

Todd wraps his arms around Black's waist, even as Black pushes him away. And Black replaces Todd's expensive whiskey with watered down trash after he drinks it all. And Todd buys designer suits for Black to wear, even as Black only wears them to get into fistfights, tearing the fabric and staining them with someone else's blood. (Black hangs them back up in Todd's closet: a gift.) They move through their days and nights, orbiting around each other, desire crackling painfully between them. They meet in alleys, pressing each other up against brick walls, dirtying their feet with mud and cigarette ash. Todd wants Black's hands rough against his skin, wants Black to empty Todd's mind of knowledge, of language, of anything but the sensations he directs across Todd's nerves. Todd lets his fingers creep up Black's neck, into his hair, tightens his grip until Black swears. Black likes to taste the bitterness of shitty whiskey on Todd's tongue.

Then, I asked chat to compare the two and honestly, chat is very kind to me:

There are several notable differences between Scene 1 and Scene 2. In Scene 2, there is a more intense and destructive energy between Todd and Black, with their attraction crackling painfully rather than with dark energy. Additionally, the gifts that Todd and Black exchange are very different - in Scene 2, Todd buys expensive designer suits for Black, only to see them destroyed by Black's penchant for fighting. And rather than sending expensive gifts, Black hangs the ruined suits in Todd's closet as a sort of twisted gift. The alley where Todd and Black meet is also portrayed differently in Scene 2, with the ground dirty and covered in mud and cigarette ash. The way Todd and Black touch each other is also different, with Todd wanting Black's hands to roughen his skin and Black enjoying the taste of cheap whiskey on Todd's tongue. Overall, Scene 2 has a more chaotic and destructive feel to it, with the relationship between Todd and Black seeming more volatile and unhealthy.

If you're willing to give up your data to openai, and you come at it with curiosity and a desire to co-write something with chatgpt...honestly, this is a really fun, engaging writing activity. I feel like I learned a lot about my own writing, about how I understand those two characters, and about how to play the instrument of chatgpt to get the music I want.

#chatgpt fic #toddblack #i guess lol #fic talk #pinkish writes

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